#maybe i just need to be friends with another narcissist. so i dont have to fucking mask anymore. only concern is if i'm actually being
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wild how the more i'm working on recovery. the more i realize how fucking bad i miss her.
#which still feels kind of insane and embarrassing since i didn't technically know her myself#(my alter did. i however barely interacted with her.)#but she knew me. she fucking knew me and saw me. i've talked about this in earlier posts but that's still the main thing that hits me.#i feel like nobody else has ever ever known me like she has. i've never felt that seen. and she loved me. she cared about me. she knew what#was underlying my outwards appearance and behaviors. she saw it and loved and cared for it. and because she knew it so well she didn't take#anything personally. (again. not douchey behaviors. just like... bragging for example. or being guarded. idk)#also there's so many things we relate on? felt like i could connect with her better. i think she and i would have been friends.#i dont know it's just#with everyone else it feels like a fucking obligatory social game i need to navigate#say the right things. act in the right ways. present yourself in ways they'll understand and interpret well. blah blah#i'm not even going anywhere with this i just miss her so bad and i'm fucking lonely and want to be seen like that again but i don't think#it can ever happen. because i got to be 100% myself but it was in a safe way and that's how she grew to know and love me#but it wasn't ME who made that decision to be vulnerable. and it was through a specific way that can't be done again because i'm here now a#an alter so it's guarded. and i can't be selfish and demanding and fully myself here because system morals are too strong for that.#even if the aforementioned thing COULD happen again. i haven't seen anyone who cares and understands and sees so deeply like she does.#it's just#i don't know#i just want to be myself and loved and seen for who i am.#but instead it always just feels like i'm having to navigate and manage social expectations and That's It.#maybe i just need to be friends with another narcissist. so i dont have to fucking mask anymore. only concern is if i'm actually being#myself - i have a high pitched voice and talk fast and talk a lot and am kinda obnoxious and high energy and#attention-seeking and dislike being alone and. yeah. that's annoying to the majority of people. which is why i am Not myself around anyone
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I want yandere Alastor being the biggest fucking hypocrite on the block and getting painfully humbled by reality so fucking bad you don't understand
I want a story where you stumble into becoming his friend with benefits, become the person who gets him interested in sex as a physical activity, and then one day you ask him "hey, what are we?" And his response being ABSOLUTELY RUDE AS HELL, albeit unintentionally, and you immediately cut him off from sex because his reply was basically the equivalent of "you're fun to sleep with, but the rest of you? No :)" (and also maybe he didn't even fully mean it, maybe he only partially meant it but he can tell he's forming some kind of new emotion for you and he doesn't want that to become a point of weakness for him so he's pushing you away but once you're actually gone he wants you back more than ANYTHING--)
I want yandere Alastor who laughs in your face if you nervously ask him if you're his girlfriend or something but then when you show up around town with another man less than a week later and he sees how easily you REPLACED HIM, he's just absolutely losing his mind. What do you MEAN you were still sleeping with other men this whole time?!?! The Radio Demon was getting SLOPPY SECONDS??? WHY would you let these-these disgusting bastards DEGRADE YOU-- meanwhile you and him could've been having like hardcore bdsm sex with actual degradation or some semi respectful form of it and he's STILL over here "B B BUT THESE MEN PROBABLY DONT EVEN RESPECT YOU--" and neither did you, you laughed in my fucking face you bitch!!!
yandere Alastor just having to sit and have a fulllll glass of whiskey and ruminate on his thoughts as he tries to come to terms with these sudden EXTREMELY POSSESSIVE feelings and urges he has. What do you MEAN he wasn't providing anything for you that you couldn't get somewhere else AND BETTER AND ALREADY HAVE BEEN? what do you MEAN you're making gifts for and going out and having actual fun dates with some of these men? What do you fucking MEAN YOU'RE 'ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE ELSE NOW' AND WOULDN'T SLEEP WITH ALASTOR EVEN IF HE APOLOGIZED BECAUSE YOU REALLY LIKE THIS GUY--
Alastor hardcore coping, trying not to think about you at all, telling himself he just needs time and this'll all blow over and he wont even think about you anymore, and eventually finds his feet carrying him to your favorite jazz club that he would take you to, AND YOU'RE ALREADY THERE WITH ANOTHER MAN. Now THIS is what causes Alastor to finally have a public episode. No, some RANDO can't come with you HERE, this is YOUR place, OUR place, it's special, it's for Alastor and you ONLY!! basically turns him into a little kid stomping his foot going no no no that's MINE!!!
This narcissistic ass man really ain't shit, over here responding to your actually extremely valid question of "what are we?" because you were actually trying to respectfully ask him if there were any certain boundaries or if you were now exclusive, and he hits you with some deflective dehumanizing diversion like "what makes you think I would have THOSE kinds of feelings about YOU?" until he's painfully aware you're sleeping with another man, kissing another man, making hot meals for another man, holding his hand tenderly as you take a leisurely stroll, GOD FORBID HE CATCHES WIND OF ANY MARRIAGE TALK, HE WILL FUCKING L O S E IT
Juat the idea of him being so close to having what he wants - your body, heart, AND mind- and he fucks it up big time and ruins your relationship and self esteem so badly. He tries to pretend that he doesn't need your attention and/or affection but the second he doesn't have EITHER, he's a jealous mess trying to literally one-up whomever you're with, show off, impress you, usually digging his hole even deeper. Alastor becoming more unpredictable over time, literally losing sleep over you, absolutely CONVINCED 500% that all of these, shall we say, "more modern men" that you're choosing are not even worth the dirt in the treads of your shoes.
Just twirling my hair kicking my feet thinking bout yandere Alastor, becoming dead-set on genuinely and fully believing he has to save you not just from these men, but also yourself. Oh honey, he's so sorry, CLEARLY this is his fault for not watching over you better. He already knew you were... delicate and naive, but here you are, running around letting these men treat you like some kind of object just because you need what you perceive as acceptance and validation. It almost breaks his heart, truly, but don't worry darlin'! He's a southern gentleman and, SURELY he can turn up the charm and make it clear to you that you MISUNDERSTOOD HIM, right? :) You're going to GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE, right? :)
genuinely, i feel like this man is more likely to try and gaslight you into believing you completely misinterpreted what he said instead of just apologizing let alone ADMITTING that he himself didn't communicate jack shit about shit, wasn't honest or up front about his feelings, and may have even be intentionally cruel to you in a moment of weakness to try and keep his own insecurities at bay, but then is fully capable of convincing, some may even say BRAINWASHING you into believing, oh sweetie, if these DEGENERATE DELIQUENTS somehow convinced you that your best friend and future husband is somehow your enemy, then, CLEARLY he hasn't been keeping you close enough to properly care for you and help you keep a clear head, has he? guess it's a good thing both of you are Sinners and he has NOTHING but time to show you EXACTLY what his intentions are. So, dear doe, which do you like the sound of more: a spring wedding, or a summer wedding, or maaaaaybe you two could even get hitched during some lovely acid rain so your new spouse can demonically laugh at all your screaming "gentleman callers" captive in the wedding audience who "accidentally" weren't put under any gazebos or any sort of protection while being forced to watch Alastor take you away--
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Do you have any tips on how I can stop victim blaming?
That sounds really bad, but im assuming that's what it is. I love my best friend. She's like a sister to me. She's married to someone who is not good. In her words, He is financially abusive, a narcissist, and emotionally abusive. Her inlaws may or may not be worse. They have kids together.
I understand it's hard, and there is a cycle of abuse. He has never laid a hand on her. But he won't let her get a job (has even canceled the applications she put in and got accepted for, they have one bank account, he tells her to get groceries and she does and then he yells that she spent too much but he can spend over 100 on one item for himself). She feels she has no way out because she has no money.
She has asked me if she can stay with me. I told her absolutely. That was a week ago, and I know she was locating important documents.
And now she is staying. She is saying he's amazing again and how it was all in her head and she's getting therapy to help with her anxiety (but he refuses to do couples therapy because, and I quote "you're the crazy one who needs anti-anxiety medication" and that isnt a paraphrase i was sitting next to her when he said it).
I care for her and I dont want this to continue but I know its her choice. I feel stuck because it's a terrible thing and I cant help. I also am frustrated with and for her. I dont want to be mad or victim blame her, cause I've been in an abusive relationship before. And maybe thats why I want her to get out so bad? Idk do you have any tips?
Let her know that you want to support her in leaving, but don't push her before she's ready. Don't be another force in her life trying to make decisions on her behalf. Just let her know that what she's going through is abusive and wrong and that you'll do everything you can when she's ready. And in the meantime, just try to be a good, supportive friend so that she's reminded that not everyone in her life are trying to control and manipulate her choices without her consent
#chat with kat#emotional abuse tw#abuse tw#manipulation tw#gaslighting tw#cluster b ableism tw#financial abuse tw#victim blaming tw
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You’ll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream.
“I would rather die than let you go— Juliet to your Romeo. How I heard you say ‘I would never fall in love again until I found her. I said, I would never fall unless it's you I fall into’.”
osamu dazai, najimi osana, rantaro amami, xiao, kokichi oma
summary: love is a difficult term to define. they’ve never been good at expressing their love for others until they found you.
esp for: ME I DESERVE IT, @wagyuu-li, @actualvrolett, @mentally-ell, @sleepygamerotaku, @queen-of-wires, @th0tpimusprime, @chuuyas--boo & @lovelii-ann
#Osamu Dazai
homies, this is osamu dazai, did we expect him NOT to love touching his partner 😧😧
not in that way aha. he loves to walk around yokohama and keep an arm around your waist, let you rest your head on his shoulder while his head lays on yours
would lowkey be into having your head on his chest??? hear his heart beat beat for you s/o~ (=^▽^)σ
ALSO would love to sleep with his head on your chest. 1. (MAN)BOOBS 2. wants to make sure you wont abandon him in the middle of the night </33
SO INTO patting ur head. maybe like you’re scrolling on tiktok, head beside his lap and he’ll pat you once in a while <3
must be holding you in one way or another. he’ll be holding your hand, resting on your shoulder or dragging your leg as kunikida pulls him away, MUST BE HOLDING YOU
super loves to hold you and sometimes likes to be held back
still tho he’s more into being coddled with words hehe~
LOVES when you brush his hair at night say how much you love him, it makes him feel so lovesick
would actually propose/hj if you said you loved him in morse code (ranpo understands and is so sick of it)
might actually sob if you say something like “odasaku is so proud of you for helping others” he loves u so much bro i dont think its a joke anymore…
sometimes he has days where he doesn’t even know who he is or what he looks like, please reassure his humanity, hes so unsure of his existence
lowkey loves when you stay in bed with him on his depression days and just admire him, he thinks its a little narcissistic of himself tho but being adorned by you like a treasure is great so lol who cares its you (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)
sometimes dazai thinks that life isnt worth living but then again, he has you waiting in bed for him right now so, how bad can it really be? <3
#Xiao
as we all know, xiao is one of— if not is the most loyal character in genshin. so what would we expect less for him to love acts of service?
just like with aether/lumine, just call out his name and he’ll be there for you!
reluctantly, he’d willing to walk around liyue harbor with you for dates and such (even if he doesnt really like being around others)
he isn’t really the MOST affectionate of the bunch since he often worries of his karmic debt hurting your friends, the traveler or morax forbid, you.
so instead, he asks you everyday, around 7:00 if you have anything you’ve been meaning to do. and after checking the gates around the harbor and wangshū, he’d get them done for you to lighten your load <333 (there was a time where you needed to deliver a parcel to granny at qince village and she called him a wonderful boyfriend to u, it was so cute HASJSJ)
during the osial situation, despite knowing how strong you are, he still told you to get out of the town or to at least stay near wangsheng so that zhongli could watch you, plz listen to him, he’s sorta worried </33
even after meeting you, and doing these for you, he’d still be secretly concerned that you feel forced to love him so please do express your love to him
which brings us to~… words of affirmation <33
he’s been so lonely for centuries on end and you’re his first relationship so he’d be like putty in your hands the moment you compliment him on ANYTHING
when i say anything, i mean it. even just saying that his eyes are pretty would make him hide under his yaksha mask <333
he always hyperventilates a little when you compliment him, hes only been so used to loneliness and besides that, zhongli has only occasionally thanked xiao but even then, it didn’t matter because you are the one he truly loves
WOULD ALSO LOWKEY BE INTO RECEIVING GIFTS
xiao honestly can’t remember the last time he was given a gift so even just receiving a lil glaze lily from an expedition w/ qiqi would make his heart pound!
fuck, hes so head over heels for you be careful w this power babe
#Rantaro Amami
ACTS OF SERVICE‼️‼️‼️‼️
he loves to help you with just about anything!! did angie ask for help to do something bizzare? rantaro’s on his way to stop a blood sacrifice!! kokichi being annoying? cmon lets go to the rooftop and when we get there push him off <3!!
hes honestly so used to being asked for help or doing something, he’d be a little uncomfortable just relaxing??
lowkey has to have something in his hand (GET HIM A FIDGET TOY) like he could be walking around and woops hes in your dorm with a slice of glazed cake
tbh would like to hangout in your research lab and play with the trinkets you left around
also kind of into physical touch?? he likes to hold ur hand
he loves to hold it close to his cheeks while resting in his dorm 😭😭💖💖
ALSO INTO WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
please reassure him that hes a good s/o and brother hes SO insecure i cant make any jokes abt it
loves to just hear you say “im happy im with you, rantaro. you’re so kind” PROPOSES??? HOLDS??? 😧😧😧💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
honestly into PDA but would wanna keep it in private to make them more special
sometimes when he sees like say kiibo’s hand very very unintentionally (he really didn’t mean it omg) brush your chest, he’d laugh it off sureee but then starts thinking you’d probably be happier with kiibo?? its his older brother mindset ugh
speaking of big brother, he also is quite responsible for his age so he’d LOVE quality time with you— exploring the school, maybe cleaning up the library, makes him realize how fun it always is to be with you
honestly just loves you too much for his own good ugh this lovesick bastard 💖💖🎉🎉
#Najimi Osana
LOVES giving gifts
often gives you little snacks they got from the vending machine in between classes (made sure its’ your favorite too! <33)
if you’re someone who doesn’t have lots of money to spare on yourself, they’d definitely try their best to get you to things you want!!
well uh— they wouldn’t exactly get it themselves BUT would use their social connections to get it for you
still never expects you to give them anything besides your love! ofc tho, if it makes you uncomfortable, they’d immediately stop or at least restrain themself from giving you every pretty leaf they found in the park </333
almost anything they find is given to you!
the cat keychain they won at the arcade with komi and tadano? it’s on your bag now! the shiny rock that they found on the field? sitting on your desk! the homework they forgot to finish? being held down by the pretty rock ehehe
don’t worry, tadano lightheadedly scolds najimi. they agreed but only if you stay with them!
speaking of which, they also love spending time with you!! <333
always invites you over to do homework together or just to talk
najimi is,,, extroverted (to say the least) so, it’d be great to just watch TV with you and cuddle on their bed <33
no matter how long you’ve known each other, they’ll always feel butterflies when you remembered something they’ve said, even if it’s something small like wanting to go to a ramen shop!! 🫣🫣
LOVES when you setup dates to places like a festival or even just volunteering to pay for najimi’s snack
no matter how busy, will ALWAYS look for you the moment class ends that even the teacher is asking them to come back (to which they reluctantly drag their feet back to their desk </333)
lowkey might think you’re annoyed when they cling to you, please reassure them </3333
#Kokichi Ouma
LOVES QUALITY TIME
he’d always ask force you to join him in his lil antics which gets you both in trouble with kirumi, aha… TURN OUT YOU WERE HIS SCAPEGOAT AAH RUNNNN
WOULD ALSO PRANK YOU DONT THINK YOURE SAFE!! dw tho, theyre not that bad~… if you like having ketchup thrown at you nishishi <3
mightve made you join DICE??? woopsies now you’re promoted to second in command without even knowing (yes he’d pull the “do you want them dead? just one phone call and theyre dead” more than once)
tbh he probably spent all that time with you because of cough cough his plan 😨😨. he knew that he wouldnt be able to see you again so he wanted to spend as much time with you as possible :(
trys to ignore it since— hes with you right now! no good to be thinking such gloomy thoughts!! </33
tbh the only thing making him go through with this plan was that you, shuichi, himiko, maki, kiibo and tsumugi were gonna be free from the killing game screams 🧎♀️🧎♀️🧎♀️🧎♀️
absolutely idc im going with the hid in closets cause of mommy issues story, HE WANTS YOU TO TOUCH HIM???? (not in a sex way tho plz this is fluff)
like ok its kind of confusing, he wants your affection but hes also scared of it and being vulnerable and stuff 💔💔
LIVES for your touch, his fav is when you stroke his cheek & pat his head but dont tell him i said that 🏃🏃🏃🏃
sneaks into your dorm to cuddle you he probably got in trouble with the student council at one point
MUST sit next to him or else tears will be shed. (kaito is offering a seat please shut him up/lh)
he wants to stay by your side 24/7 and uses the killing game as an excuse 😭😭 he’d start thinking like “man what if i get too annoying and they get bored… NAH lol what was i thinking thats so stupid!!!” (he does the denying his own thoughts thing)
please tell him you’ll never get sick of himself, i feel like he’d space out if you didn’t (in a /nm im just lonely way)
#mod maki#danganronpa#killing harmony#komi can't communicate#bungo stray dogs#bsd#genshin impact#xiao#xiao x reader#osamu dazai#dazai osamu#kokichi oma#kokichi ouma#rantaro amami#najimi osana#dazai osamu x reader#osamu dazai x reader#kokichi ouma x reader#kokichi oma x reader#rantaro amami x reader#najimi osana x reader#danganronpa imagines#danganronpa x reader#bsd x reader#bungo stray dogs x reader#genshin imagines#genshin impact x reader#komi san wa komyushou desu
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I don't think im meant to host. Once our system found alastor (and kinda rebuilt him from the three alters he split into) he has been fronting most of the time and it felt natrual. I became his advisor the way other alters are usually mine. A lot of childhood memories are his. Sometimes hosts do just change over time but as soon as he started doing it again it was like. Oh thank god this is how it was meant to be.
I do think I have existed a long time and fronted even as a child but I think it was mostly him and I would advise him from the back seat the way many alters have done to me later. I think I was created for the advisor role and just had to become the host bc Alastor has very strong NPD and BPD traits (so i beleive whole system is NPD and BPD) that I was good at masking and we had to mask it. I think thats why plushi especially is kinda entirely preoccupied with being cute, non threatening, friendly, and not having needs of its own and existing to always be happy. Creature is focused on being a empathetic listener, helpful and solve peoples problems, and holding depression. We always felt like... kind of empty like, something missing, we should have more personality. I think we are smaller fragments and more specific role focused than we thought, oriented to survive abuse situations. We felt missing a person who we should be, and I think that was us subconsciously missing Alastor hosting.
Trauma caused Alastor him to split into more alters (he still is not a fusion of everyone he was but I think the others are ok being seperate and he likes how he is now) so we couldnt really find him until healing allow him to come together again, and the situation is safe enough I dont need to protect him anymore. We also accept our NPD and BPD and know how to cope with it enough to let him out and allow him to express symptoms in healthy ways.
Im still an active alter and will be around, though the two alters I am (i am a subsystem) switch who is awake more and my personality shifts depending on that, and its not been super plushi lately so it feels weird having this be our main, lol. But plushi will definitely be back, it was a lot of fun being paw and I know paw is still here. Just weird to go from plushi hosting to. There hasnt been a plushi around these parts in 30 days :0
We hope our friends and mutuals will like Alastor too since he will be fronting mostly and we will be around less as we switch to him hosting. He doesn't act quite like me though since I exist basically to hide him so if you don't we understand; he is a lot more openly narcissistic and low empathy which we know not everyone vibes with. (Hes also very openly flirty and kinky which may also put folks off but he understands boundaries and is Normal about them). Though we think we will be a prominent alter and still avalible often, but we don't want to host anymore. We did it for years and we weren't supposed to have to.
Don't worry we aren't going anywhere! We still front often but it used to be like... us usually and then maybe for 3 days tops another alter comes before defaulting to us, and now we may come for three days tops and default to Alastor. And my system members can post and talk online when awake even if not fronting. But Alastor's blog is definitely the most active hub for us rn.
Alastor is @radiostaticsmile
Thanks for reading
#serious post#save#plushi paws#tagging that so i can find this again and no talky tag#system things#plural system#alterhuman#host switching#personal
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Never stop investing in your looks. 💅🏼
We all know a friend who, after getting into a relationship, started letting herself go, stopped wearing makeup, stop getting dressed up etc.
Many women get into relationships and fall for the “baby i like you just the way you are, i love you with no makeup on, you don’t need the make up and the nails and the facials”.
Here’s why you should never stop taking care of yourself during a relationship.
1. remember “a woman being pretty is like a man being rich”, our society is superficial and your looks, wether you like it or not, are an asset in society, pretty privilege is real!
2. remember, men lie! they might say they dont like makeup and nails, but when they cheat? who do they cheat with? girls with that exact description.
In fact, no need for cheating, who do these men follow on instagram? it’s always the instagram models and IG baddies who hve their maakeup and hair done at all times.
Now let’s roll back the tape,
When your man first approached you there’s a 100% chance you were dressed well, with makeup on and hair done.
Yet why do they suddenly want you to change your look when you get with them?
it’s a manipulation tactic.
And no, it’s not because they think you’re oh so beautiful without makeup, most insecure men who score a beautiful girlfriend feel the need to keep her by their side by humbling her and limiting her options.
If you walk out the door looking good every day, your man knows he has to come correct, he knows you can pull other men so if he slacks on the dinner dates and flowers and romance, you can easily replace him.
When you go outside looking good without your man, he has no control over what happens in his absence, maybe a man will offer you a coffee, maybe another will offer to help with pumping gas, maybe another with will ask for your number.
Your man is completely out of control, and so if he wants to keep you he can either:
1. be a good partner and treat you well and honor you so you never have to look at other men.
2. the insecure approach would be to get you to change your look so your confidence is lowered and your options are limited.
Your man knows nobody’s checking for you if you’re leaving the house in sweats and a bonnet, and that’s a relief for him.
Manipulating you into taking less care of yourself is the first step of a series of narcissistic manipulation and abuse, when you’re confidence is chipped away, and you feel like you run out of options or are undesirable, that opens the way for him to treat you in a shitty way, and he knows you won’t leave, cause now he got you cornered and you feel so undesirable, being with someone as shitty as him feels like a privilege.
See how the manipulation happens?!
There’s a reason why women glow up so much after a breakup, they lose weight and they look better than ever before!!!!
If your looks get progressively worse as you enter a relationships, that’s a red flag baby.
STAY WOKE!!!
CR: glowdiamond
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Anon wrote: Hi, reading your posts made me realize I’m likely an INFJ in a terrible loop. For the last 6 months i’ve been reading about mbti I thought I was INTJ, and every test i tried said it too, but i didnt and still don’t understand Fe vs Te, even after reading your posts. But INFJ in a loop sounds a lot like me. So let’s go with that.
My auxiliary function is suffering. When I’m outside I have this tendency to observe people, the room, their behavior and enjoy dwelling in it, as if I’m reading a novel. It bothers me when someone says or acts rude, when a man bothers a woman like a creep.
In my head i’m so criticizing of other people. And if i’m not criticizing, im acting as if i can read everything about another person. I know this sounds horrible and very narcissistic, but i want to be honest to fix myself. And I know i’m doing this overthinking in social situations to defend myself by acting as if im superior.
But i just observe, i never interact. I havent talked to a single person in my class in university, since im a few years older (24 in a room of 21yo people). Even though i know if i want to socialize thats the right place. I start thinking: if i talk to them, they will get to know me, they will find that i failed or that i dont have a lot of my shit together, and then i will be judged. So why bother. And i know that its so flimsy and stupid. I only made one friend in my old uni before changing courses.
This is not only at university btw. I dont go out in the evenings, or try to meet new people, because i literally have no fucking idea of how to do it without looking like a misfit. My old friends are all very distant now, and while I know many people everything I never really dated, and while i have this insane void of emotional intimacy, i keep rationalising every attempt of experiencing life. I live in a shell.
And the fact i haven’t dated and i’m 24, is so scary. I’m not even ugly or that uninteresting or without hobbies, because people told me the opposite many times, but i dont know why i cant come out of my shell. This is not only about dating, but in general. Im always distant emotionally and end up thinking about it instead of living it. Because im a grown man scared of being judged for my smiles,tears and my love.
I think i have some trauma issues from my teens, when i talked to a girl on facebook for 2 years listening to her problems because i liked her, without ever approaching her irl (because i was a scared teenager idk why). It was a one way thing. I was basically her diary in human form. When i told her my feelings it was too late. After that i ended in a 1 yr depression, and it definitely marked me as a person. I never really opened myself emotionally with anyone else after. Maybe this is not even trauma, it actually feels demeaning to call it as such when other people have suffered more.
This post is a mess. Maybe im just overthinking, and you’ll probably read this and think i need therapy and/or im mistyped . But I really want to break these chains, and hearing an insight from someone who understand people very well could help.
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If I understand correctly, the main problem is you are closed off and unable to open up. It sounds like you are very afraid of socializing, most likely because you are afraid of being hurt by other people's negative judgments of you (it is a common problem related to unhealthy Fe). There are several factors that may be contributing to this problem:
- Low Self-Worth: You exhibit oversensitivity that arises from using other people's judgments to define your identity and/or determine your personal worth. If you're always worried about how you're being perceived, then you will of course feel anxious about interacting with anyone you're unsure about. This makes it very difficult to meet new people and expand your social circle.
- "Mindreading": You presume to know what others think, without any evidence, easily jumping straight to the worst case scenario. This is a defense mechanism that gives you a false sense of control, as though you're preparing yourself for the worst to happen. As such, you manage to talk yourself out of socializing, losing every opportunity to learn and grow socially.
- Unresolved Past: You've had negative relationship experiences in the past. When you don't resolve negative feelings, learn the right lessons from them, and consciously put the past behind you, you will take the past and project it into the future, expecting it to happen again. This means you are out of touch with reality because you never treat people as NEW people and give them the benefit of the doubt. You assume that people are out to hurt you and you build walls of protection, which conveniently prevents anyone from knowing you and getting close enough to want a relationship with you.
- Lack of Social Skills: It's hard to feel confident when you're incompetent. Even if you were to work up the courage to meet new people, it sounds like you would still lack the skills required to develop the relationship. Immature INFJs often suffer in relationships because of unrealistic ideas and/or unreasonable expectations, which is often related to faulty reasoning patterns (Ti loop). Social skills are called "skills" because anyone can learn and improve them. If you care about being a better version of yourself, you have to be honest about your deficits and apply yourself to learn the knowledge and skills that you need to move forward in life. See the recommended books on the resources page.
While it's possible to work on these issues on your own, it's the more difficult path to take. When you have a serious problem like social anxiety that prevents you from living the life you hope to live, then, yes, it is best to reach out for professional expertise and assistance. People aren't born knowing everything, so everyone needs help at some point and there is no shame in getting it. As long as you keep trying to convince yourself that your needs don't matter or that your problems aren't as serious or serious enough to warrant attention, you will continue to dig your own grave of unhappiness. How long do you want to go through life with these problems weighing you down and holding you back?
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100 reasons to go to rehab
because i actually really do want to be better not bitter.
because all i have wanted for so long is to have a sense of community.
for my mental health to improve and it is tragic and awful and i can't deal with it.
for my physical health to improve which is also tragic and awful but to a lesser to degree.
to address the millions of past traumas that i have always buried away.
to sort out familial ties which i also always ruin.
to sort out my eating. that's very difficult.
so that i do not have to carry on feeling this way continuously
because the seaside is nice
because i want a sense of belonging
because i am emotionally unstable and its hard
because i want to have an actual life
to stop funding war in columbia with my personal choices
to stop rotting a hole in my nose
so i don't have any nightmares anymore
so that i can have a bad day without feeling like the worlds ending
so that i can stop disappointing people
so that i can do better things for other people
so that my internal organs do not fail
so that i can attempt to karma balance the bad things that i have done if thats even possible
so that i can run a marathon with rob
so that i can stop being a covert narcissist
so that i can wake up in situations that i do not want to run away from
so that i do not feel constantly drenched in guilt and shame
so that i can do volunteer work
so that i can make friends with new people
so that i can learn to form healthy relationships
so that i can learn to live not survive
so that i no longer feel the need to lie
because i forget that drugs are actually illegal and therefore a crime
because i want to be a person that others can depend on
because i do actually just believe in the goodness of others
because i want to be able to make nice memories
because i want to be good for people
because this country is probably sick of me
because then i can keep up with appointments
so that i can do things based on rationale and reason instead of fear
so that landlords in cardiff dont have to hate me
so that i can get out of this vicious cycle
so that i can actually use my bike
so that i can learn more from other people
so that i can teach others things so that they don't have to learn the hard way
so i can stop writing apology letters
so that i can make people proud of me
so that i can find a reason to be proud of myself
so that maybe one change i make inspires others to change also
so that my drug dealers can find healthier means of maintaining an income
so that there is more free space in nhs hospitals
so that i stop being sick all of the time
apple will have less data to use for marketing because i will not be permanently attached to my phone
because this is all i have thought about for the past decade or so
because even very terrible people deserve second chances
because listening to the same three songs on repeat whilst catastrophising my life endlessly is not an existence
because i contribute an ungodly amount of disposable vapes which is funneling climate change and i reckon given the chance i could stop being so self obsessed and dedicate myself to a reusable or other coping mechanisms.
because i feel like the stray cat that we feed will be disappointed in me
because russian roulette is not a fun game
because other people are constantly being hurt through my actions and inactions
because other people believe in me as well
because i have a believed to be cursed painting i found by a road in my room that i found in which i jokingly refer to as my 'dorian gray' and i don't really want to look at it any longer
because lloyds can only issue so many new debit cards
because even at a minuscule level, the straws and baggies used are probably responsible for trapped fish in the sea
because i haven't been to the beach in a year
because i really want to live long enough to see another year
because its tiring being tired
because my skin is not very good
because if everybody got clean there would be minimal crime
because the shop i work at are really really reallly sick and tired of me
because i don't sleep very well at all nowadays
because this really is my only option
because i definitely have a vitamin d deficiency and going outside more would help
because i genuinely want to be more selfless
because the priory gets a drunk dial at least once a year and that needs to stop
because i still havent replaced my flatmates toothpaste
because people can be good and kind and dependable when given the chance even if they seem like cowardly cowardly custard
because lorna is lovely and i have put her through a lot
because i am sick of setting other people on fire to keep myself warm
because i am sick of using bad metaphors
because there is more to life than my own four walls and i am literally trapped
because its pathetic playing the victim card any longer
because keeping up a pretense is exceptionally hard
because i'm almost at 100 reasons and i haven't had to pause for longer than a second to think of another reason why
because i don't want to doom myself to a fate never destined for me
because i am sick of being a repeat customer at medically assisted detox
because even the bad characters in books are felt empathy for sometimes
because i had written this on my calender
because this was a new years resolution for many years
because relocating to spain and changing my identity is excessive and also unlikely to succeed
because my fish deserve to be rehomed somewhere nicer
because i want to be able to take care of a plant without it dying
because sweet dee is lovely and probably sick of me and she shouldn't be
because my actions affect others and the fact that it does replays continuously on my mind
because i keep on doing things when i get anxious and, like my other issues, denying it
because i originally am from england and it seems destined to address my trauma where it started
because i hate whichever sad awful terrible version of me is presented to other people
because i am a waste of a masters degree
because people don't just deserve second chances but third chances and fourths and people really can be good and true and kind and better when they need to be
because i would love to find out more about other people
because writing 98 issues was way both too easy and way too difficult for me to write
because my daily horoscope app has been insanely accurate and i have the screenshots to prove it
because i so desperately believe broken people can get better if they really try to be
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“Are you in love with him?” - Tony Stark Imagine
Notes: I wrote and editted this in two hours instead of going over my notes. Was gonna be spicy fluffy but it just turned into fluffy, and one of the lines/paragraphs (smth like that i dont remember how long that segment was) is based on/inspired by a fanfic on ao3 I bookmarked. I think it’s debt-free, but I could be wrong. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and I’m so sorry im not on here more oftennnnn
- - -
“Of course I am. He’s Tony Stark.” You sighed, a weight finally lifted off your chest. “Who isn’t in love with him?”
Bruce blinked a few times, the confusion evident on his face. “Then, why don’t you tell him?”
You scoffed. These geniuses think they know everything, but they couldn’t see what was glaringly obvious to you. “He’s Tony Stark.”
The perplexed expression didn’t disappear from your friend’s expression. So, you explained further, “It’s already a privilege, beyond that really, to be talking to you, to any Avenger. To work with any of you is an honor, and to be friends with you” -you laughed- “it shouldn’t even be possible for someone like me.”
“Don’t say that. You’re amazing, too.”
You tried to find any tick, any clue that he was lying. But Bruce seemed to really believe this. “I know I’m amazing.” You shrugged. “I’m great. I love and I care deeply, and I have a stable job. I have a place for myself, and I take care of myself.” You clicked your tongue. “However, you all, all you Avengers… Forget out of my league, more like off planet.
“And Tony? He said it himself. Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. Add superhero, figurehead, public figure, ex-CEO, and savior of the universe. Bruce, I have confidence in myself, but Tony is something else entirely. No one is worthy of him or his affections unless they’re a god or another Avenger.”
It was hard to keep up with the statistical analysis you were trying to run. The literal one on your hologram and the one keeping your view of Tony in check. So, defeated, you sighed and leaned back in your chair.
Bruce closed his own work and stood across the lab bench. “Weirdly enough, I’m sure none of us Avengers think that way.” After a few taps of his pen against his palm, he added, “Aren’t there fans making posts about you, too? Tony showed me the, uh, Instagram videos.”
You laughed. “Fan edits don’t make an Avenger. Saving the world does.”
He shrugged. “You help us save the world.”
“From inside Avengers Tower on a computer.” You took a deep breath. “Look, Bruce, I appreciate what you’re trying to do. But, I’m not telling him.” You shrugged and brought your statistical analysis back up.
You knew your own worth. You were worthy of an amazing partner and person. Tony Stark, though, was easy beyond that. You had accepted it soon after you realized your own feelings, and while they haven’t dwindled, you knew it was for the best.
~ - ~
Tony had never resorted to this before. It was never a question of his ability to code. In the past, it was because he didn’t need a program or an AI to do it for him. He could always tell if someone was into him. He knew when Pepper was into him. The moment Rhodey gazed at him back in their MIT days. Every single reporter and heiress and model he slept with, he knew when their thoughts turned sexual or romantic.
You, though. With you, he couldn’t fucking tell, and he knew it was because of his own feelings. Tony felt intensely for people before. Pepper, Rhodey, that one reporter all those years ago. However, with you, it wasn’t just that fluttery feeling in his gut or the immediate smile he can’t seem to stop when he sees you. It was the comfort he felt when he heard your voice or the softness he could feel in his heart when he saw a picture of you.
It was like his entire life was full of panic, never resting, never stopping. But when you entered his life with a gentle smile and a quick wit, it felt like he could finally breathe.
It was addicting.
“Sir, I have the calculations.”
“Hit me.”
“Speech diagnostics of you and of Ms. (Y/l/n) are similar. Whenever you speak of her, 79.4% is positive and 18.8% is neutral. Ms. (Y/l/n) has 78.9% positive and 17.2% neutral dialogue regarding you. When she speaks of you, her heartrate increases by 4.6%, and similarly, yours increases by 4.1%. When speaking to each other, heartrate initially increases by 7%.”
Tony nodded. “How does this compare to other Avengers? I gush about Banner like a teenager.”
“Well, sir, while you and Ms. (Y/l/n) have high positive dialogue about other Avengers, all of them have at least a 10% decrease compared to each other. And heartrate varies depending on the topic of conversation.”
Tony snapped his fingers. “Am I excluding all non-super friends? Include any agents, co-workers. Pep isn’t an Avenger after all.”
Friday took two seconds and responded. “You and Ms. (Y/l/n) have a significant difference in speech diagnostics when talking about or to each other compared to any other Avenger, co-worker, and friend.”
When Tony remained quiet, Friday added, “Do you want me to repeat the results?”
“You don’t need to, Friday.”
“But you’re not doing anything with the new information. Would you like me to save these findings?”
“Friday,” Tony warned.
There was silence as the love-wrecked scientist pressed his fist between his brows. Data and cold hard facts said yes, but was it right?
“Sir?”
“Yes, Fri?”
“Would you like me to play examples for you?”
He blinked. “Examples?”
“Yes. Of you and her talking about each other positively.”
It was an invasion of privacy. Tony shouldn’t.
“Play examples.”
Before his rational mind could tell Friday no.
“Are you in love with him?”
Tony’s eyes widened. This was too private. It might not even be about him.”Friday-”
“Of course I am.”
“-stop playback.”
“He’s Tony Sta-”
“Playback stopped.”
Tony scrambled. “What? No, wait, go back. Play it.” Screw rational. You knew he was a narcissist. You wouldn’t expect him to hear that and stop.
“He’s Tony Stark. Who isn’t in love with him?”
“Then, why don’t you tell him?”
“... He’s Tony Stark.”
Tony started to fiddle with something on his desk. “What does that mean?”
Friday answered, “Dr. Banner asked her if she loved you, and she said yes. This means that she’s in love with you.”
Why did he program Friday like this? “I know that. I mean, those two lines. Why does me being Tony Stark stop her from saying something?” Was it the attention? Did you want some sort of normal life away from cameras and international gossip? Maybe it was the Avenging. Having a partner who was always out risking death wasn’t ideal.
Sure, you could be in love with him. But you couldn’t be with him.
“Maybe you should ask her.”
There were celebrities who were able to live normal lives. Some paid to have prosthetics for going outside of moved to a remote country to get out of the spotlight. He thrived off attention, but he could give that up. Avenging, he couldn’t give that up, but maybe he could cut back. Take a mission a month instead of one a week. Or maybe take more digital missions. He wasn’t just Iron Man after all. He was a genius, could hack into the Pentagon if he really wanted to.
“Yeah,” he said. “Maybe I could talk to her.”
~ - ~
The moment you put your bag down on your lab table, Tony said, “You’re gonna be mad.”
You narrowed your brows. “What did you do?” You pressed your palm to your chest. “Oh my god, Peter overwrote my data, didn’t he? Ugh, I know he said he’s great at managing holograms, but really, Tone, you should’ve given him a tutorial before giving him access.” You brought up your holograms to check your data and analysis.
“That’s not it.” Tony stood next to you as you looked through your files. “I did something that invaded your privacy.”
You tilted your head. Closing the holograms, you took a deep breath and slowly asked, “How?”
Tony flashed an embarrassed grin before sighing. “You’re gonna be shocked, too, so prepare yourself.”
You did not know where this was going at all. What horrible thing could Tony have done? Steeling yourself, you took a deep breath and nodded at him to continue.
Tony cleared his throat. “Usually, I can tell when someone has feelings for me. People are obvious about it, but you? You aren’t. So, I had Friday do some analysis on our speech patterns. Me, being in love with you, was one of my controls. You and your dialogue regarding me was the main variable.
“Long story short, I accessed some audio of you and Bruce talking, and you said that you loved me but could never tell me.” He glanced at you. “So that’s why I need to apologize.”
Your expression didn’t change. No, that wasn’t it. You, at first, looked confused. Now, there was just nothing. No expression. No wrinkled brow in anger of flushed cheeks in embarrassment. Nothing.
Tony blinked. “You can shout at me now. If you were confused about when to shout at me.”
You licked your lips before taking a deep breath. “Ok, that was a lot.” You pursed your lips then opened it. But, you couldn’t really think of anything to say. You didn’t even know how to feel. “So you know that I” -you pointed at yourself and then at him- “and that I didn’t wanna tell you.” You shook your head. “Wait, do you know why I didn’t want to tell you?”
A broken scoff left Tony’s lips. “Yeah. I’m a mess.”
It was your turn to scoff. “Wait, you’re a mess? That’s why you think I don’t want to tell you?”
“Among other reasons?”
Other reasons?
You crossed your arms. “Ok, what other reasons?”
Tony looked offended. Still, he listed, “I’m surrounded by cameras, and everyone wants some privacy. Can’t get it if you’re with me. Then, there’s the Iron Man of it all. I went into a wormhole with a nuke. That was also all over the news. Then, there’s the whole daddy issues thing. I’m working on it, but it takes a while-”
He rambled on and on, listing reason after reason, and with each one, you felt tears well up in your eyes. It was a weird mix of heartbreaking, confusing, and enraging. The emotions built up slowly with each word that left his mouth, overwhelming you to the point that you couldn’t even say how it happened.
But, as Tony paced and talked so horribly about himself, you somehow ended up in front of him with your hands on his cheeks.
You only realized it when Tony stopped talking and when his breath touched your lips. “What?” he asked.
You didn’t answer. You kissed him instead.
It was a hard press of your lips against his. It was short, and it wasn’t much.
But by the way Tony gripped the back of your neck and pulled you back for another kiss, you’d think it was his first kiss. You knew it wasn’t. Not just because you knew he had kissed all sorts of people before you, but because he somehow knew how to make you gasp and melt into him.
While one hand kept you steady, the other trailed down your back and pulled you closer to him. His lips moved fluidly against yours, pushing and pulling, and everytime he moved back, you chased his lips to continue the kiss, because the softness, the passion, the fact it was finally happening, was all too good. You didn’t want it to stop.
Your hands started to move. For someone so rich, his t-shirt was rough when you twisted it between your fingers and pulled it to you. Slowly, you trailed your fingers along the side of his neck. You rubbed your thumb along his pulse point, a reminder that this was indeed real. You were kissing Tony Stark, and- He was pulling away again.
Desperate, you leaned forward, reached around to hold onto his shoulder, and kissed the side of his neck.
He let out a breathy laugh, and before you could suck on his skin, his stubble scratched your cheek.
You looked up at him and giggled when his nose bumped into yours. When your giggles turned into a smile, he kissed you again, a soft and short kiss, before leaning his forehead against yours.
His thumbs rubbed circles into your waist as you lightly scratched the back of his neck. He didn’t say anything. In fact, he seemed busy gazing at you.
“Speechless, Stark?” you teased.
He laughed. For a few seconds, he just gazed at you, seeming to prove your point. Tony’s hand began to wander, from stroking your cheek to pushing back your hair. “More confused.”
Remembering why you interrupted him, you brought your hands to his cheeks again and held him there so he couldn’t look away from you. “You are amazing, Tony. That’s the reason I didn’t want to tell you.” You shrugged. “You’re too good for me.”
His fidgeting stopped. “Well, that’s not true.”
“Tony, you’re an Avenger.”
“Technically, you are also an Avenger.”
“You’re a genius.”
“Who can’t cook scrambled eggs.”
“You literally saved the universe.”
“After producing weapons of mass destruction for decades.”
You glared at him.
He glared back. Then, he fought back. “I don’t plan on retiring.”
“Wouldn’t want you to.”
“I have severe PTSD, anxiety, maybe ADHD, all mixed with trauma galore.”
“And I will learn to help you.”
“I couldn’t give you a normal life.”
“I’d rather have you anyway.”
He opened his mouth, but you instead told him, “I’d rather have you than anything. As long as, well, for as long as you’ll have me.”
He raised his eyebrow. “You sure about that?”
“Positive.”
Tony shook his head with a smile. “Cause, I’d rather have you for, well, how does til you get tired of me sound?”
You laughed. “Won’t happen. But, sure.” You kissed him again.You would’ve kept going, but there was something to settle first. “By the way, Tony?”
“Yeah?”
“Is Friday recording right now?”
“Friday records everything. It’s in the contract.”
Friday added, “I record everything that happens in the tower.”
“Ok.” You could work with that. “I’ll forgive you for the invasion of privacy.”
Tony beamed, and you couldn’t help your own smile when he did. Still, you continued, “On one condition.” Your own smile turned devious. “I want evidence that Star Spangled Banner took my ice cream.”
Tony burst out laughing. He kissed you again, a deep kiss, and when he was done, he mumbled, “God, I love you,” against your lips.
#tony stark x reader#tony stark imagine#tony stark oneshot#tony stark#mcu x reader#mcu imagine#mcu oneshot#tony stark fluff#im so sorry im not on here oftennnnnnnnnnnn#dentla schools too busy and i dont wike it#thats not true i do like it its just busy and stressful and doesnt give me time to write#and smut takes me longer to write than fluff#so i can only write fluff rnnnnnn#anyway i miss you all#love you all#hope the universe treats you welllll
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with the flowers (6)
part six: the world be damned.
pairing: suna x f!reader
summary: if a teacher had been the one to catch suna dangling on the edge of inarizaki’s roof, he definitely would’ve been in trouble. except it wasn’t a teacher that caught him, it was you—the school whore. yea, he’s starting to wish it was a teacher.
word count: 826
© 𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘢
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‘okay, maybe im not getting a sob story,’ suna thinks, taking in the state of the home you invited him to.
it looks just like his.
he’d never admit it (frankly because that would just be rude), but he assumed that you were poor.
like, drowning-in-debt poor, house-falling-apart poor, etc.
and yeah, he gets how snobby that makes him sound, but could you really blame him?
“you’re here!” the front door is swung open and you’re there, smile brighter than ever. “oh, and you brought—wait, is that your sister?”
aiko—suna’s younger sister—offers up a cheeky smile, letting go of her brothers arm. “my parents aren’t home right now, they thought i should bring her.”
you pat her head, moving aside to let them in. “don’t even worry about it, i have a little sister you can play with!” you offer her your hand, and she hesitantly takes it.
aiko was more of a narcissistic bitch than she let on, but because suna had never had any female friends before (and he refused to take her along to any of his other friends’ houses), there was no one to really witness her swollen ego except for him.
“hanakooo!” you yell, while suna looks around.
yeah, he’s definitely not getting a sob story.
“this is aiko and suna.” you introduce them, and they bow respectfully. “look after aiko for me, okay?”
your sister nods, ushering the next girl up the stairs.
“how old is your sister?” suna asks, following you as you make your way to what he assumes is the kitchen.
“fourteen.” you say, tossing him a bottle of water. “same as yours?”
he nods, and follows you up the stairs.
-
you laugh again, so hard that you think you might throw up. suna watches you, trying his best not to laugh too.
a soft “ah,” is let out, and it’s quiet again.
“why do you do it?” suna asks out of the blue, his back on your bed and his feet on the carpet, launching one of your stuffed toys into the air and catching it.
“if you’re gonna ask a random question like that, i’m gonna need a little context, pretty boy.” you tease, jumping onto your bed and causing him to nearly fall off.
you sit criss-crossed, and suna takes the initiative to copy you. “’donate pussy for money’” he clarifies, mocking your past statement. “why do you do it?”
“why do you ask?”
“well i mean, you live in a perfectly stable house, your parents both have jobs, you have food, i don’t get why.”
he watches as you burst into yet another fit of laughter, holding onto your stomach as if you were in pain.
“i dont have a dad.” you nudge him. “my dad committed suicide when he was seventeen, you know, jumped off of inarizaki’s roof.”
suna frowns, furrowing his eyebrows. “that isn’t funny.”
“oh come on, you know it is.” you smirk. “i wasn’t joking though, he really did commit. he wasn’t quirky enough to jump off a roof, but yea, he committed.”
if anything, suna’s confused.
you’re talking about the fact that your dad had taken his own life, and yet you’re still cracking jokes.
“you look ugly when ur serious.” you admit, squishing his cheeks together. “ease up a lil.”
“straightforward much?” he licks the hand closest to his mouth, and you shriek, yanking your hands away.
“i’m just saying!” you giggle, wiping your hand on his shirt. “it was way before i was born anyways.” you admit.
“wait, but if he committed before you were born, then hanako—”
“has a different dad, but he took off a long time ago.”
in suna’s book, he would definitely list this one as a sob story—except you weren’t sobbing. you weren’t begging for sympathy, for pity, or for him to understand the meaning behind your actions.
you did what you had to do, the world be damned.
suna admires you for that, something he himself isn’t able to do. he wishes he could do that, be like you.
(it’s not as easy as he thinks.)
“i do this for her, you know?” you say, once you’ve both ended up laying side by side on your bed. “for hanako. i wanna send her to a really nice college.”
“does your mom know?” suna asks, counting the little glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling. “like about any of it.”
“nope, i never take the guys home.” you respond.
“why hooking though? aren’t there better and safer options?”
“you mean like working as a cashier?”
“yeah.”
it’s quiet again, and suna has to look over at you to make sure you aren’t asleep.
“you’re probably right.” you shrug. “i guess i just like the attention; i like that people like my body, you know? it’s one of my best traits.”
he’s never met anyone with the same mindset as you.
(he can’t figure out wether or not he’s intrigued or disgusted—probably both.)
notes:
— when y/n’s dad found out that her mom was preggo, he commited
— so he’s never actually met y/n
— hanako is y/n’s half sister, but it’s all the same
— aiko and hanako are besties now <3
taglist: @hotaruaizawa @its-the-aerieljeane @yourlocalbabybird @bakudummy @sunahyejin @satorinnie @lilith412426 @zukoslosthishonor @rintarovibes @underiwa @m01k @rinsangel @iicherrycore @kamalymaly @lmaosuna @whorefornoodles @anngelllla @ohrintarou @call-me-lulu @imeowforu @tsuksdinonugget @namyari @bakugouswh0r3
#—joylovesyou#haikyuu#haikyuu smau#haikyuu angst#haikyuu x reader#suna rintarou#suna fluff#suna angst#suna comfort#suna x reader#suna smau
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ok so i have never written anything here but the sweet home netflix adaptation left me w sm pent up anger i need to rant
⚠️obviously spoilers from both the webtoon and series⚠️
i was actually pretty excited abt it bc it seemed promising and on the first ep i was so happy to see the characters again obv had some complaints abt jisu’s hair but i thought i was to make her look modern?? even though her original hairstyle is still popular and it had a meAning but n e ways also abt the lil kids names:// mr ahn not being a baldy jsjskskd but minor stuff the bastard easter egg was nice tho
idk a lot abt cgi but i liked it and getting more into the plot or aspects from the webtoon they literally got rid of maria from the sky like wtf i was like ok maybe it was hard to make a chibi look like jisu irl bUT AT LEAST TRY A CHARACTER OMG AND WITH THAT they got rid of how hyun and hyuk met online and just their entire friendship/dynamic, aLSO lets talk abt mr wook pyeon THEY DID HIM SO DIRTY OMG he was like a father to those kids he cared for them and protected them maybe not from the very start but he developed and netflix just took that and threw it out the window jfc.
At first i excused the fact that they skipped how the figured out the burning monsters and earphones thingy bc only ten eps and all that bUT THEY ADDED SUCH UNNECESSARY STUFF LIKE AN ENTIRE CHARACTER AND HER ARC i mean like no hate to yikyung but they didnt make her likeable??? and then the entire trip experience adventure that was getting dusik to the first floor was also skipped like wtf???? and jisu even had a surgery when she didn’t even trip in the webtoon and performed by hyuk nonetheless like my boi is smart but yea.
now more things netflix deleted, i think the way would have scored more points in my agenda if they had given hyun is original bastard tracksuit 😭😭😭😭 aLSO WTF WITH THE ENTIRE TIME SEQUENCE OF EVENTS??? i dont remember the word for it srry) like jayhyun didnt make like past 70 eps and he wasnt even around when they tried to go out also ithey didnt put the two crazy girls the one scared of everything but got developement and the crazy one w glasses that in the series got replaced for a quiet girl that dies kinda unnecessarily also w that when they tried to go out mr ahn didnt die this time and died in a super boring way not heroic saving hyun and with that they ruined how the gangsters join and their past with wook.
ALSO THEY WENT TO THE PARKING LOT SO EASY BREEZY WHEN A WHOLE HAN DUSIK DIED IN THE WEBTOON
and that firefighter gave a tour of the city without any monster encounters like tf?
onto the gangsters arc they only kept the rapist one bc even the half monster one wAS A GOOD PERSON IN THE WEBTOON from that moment on everything went even more downhill bc w this newbie killing the boss as a human hyun couldn’t “die” protecting his friends from it as a monster.
also what abt the ships???? like i shipped jisu x hyun sm but here the only time they were kinda together was like two seconds for the song like no ❤️ also the eun x hyuk sibling luv (bickering lol) and netflix included the narcissistic dude bUT NOT WHEN HE TURNED A MONSTER THAT ONLY WANTS COMPLIMENTS LIKE W. T. F. and our goddess yuri dies wHEN SHE ORIGINALLY SURVIVES also wtf with netflix’s ending like the had ONE job IT WAS LAID OUT TO THEM AND THEY DIDNT CARE UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and this firefighter left them to die bc they all dumb aF and hyun got captured like god ugh i hate netflix but i love the webtoon sm but idk if i want another season
LIKE WHAT DID IT COST U FOR IT TO END LIKE THIS
a
and now a few scenes that didn’t appear but def should have
like seriously they didnt put jisu trying to sacrifice herself and hyun saving her and then hugging to give her appendicitis???? 🙄✋🏼
i would like to say i started this webtoon like early 2019 and read it weekly since then until its finale and i dont remember everything and cant quite check bc the webtoon is in daily pass so if you have read thw webtoon and there is something i missed pls tell me and if u want talk abt it or the series or both dm me;) i have no friends;)
nonetheless i bawled my eyes out hyuns backstory
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now hear me out,,, an au where lan wangji is an editor who works for an erotica publisher and wei wuxian is essentially chuck tingle. (also lwj writes romance novels on the side)
wei wuxian didn’t plan to write erotica he wants to make that really clear, he was actually studying like biomed or something equally “oh wow my parents can brag to the other parents about this”
but, as frequently happens in wwx’s life, he got drunk with nhs, like really drunk and they woke up the next morning with a laptop on the floor beside them and loose paper strewn everywhere
they don’t really remember what they were doing or thinking last night but they’ve both drawn a bunch of really shitty and weird porn (the less said about the anthropomorphic version of wen chao’s pet turtle the better) and wei wuxian has like 20,000 words of an erotica story on his laptop
when he starts reading it, at first he’s like haha what the fuck this is so weird but then it turned out to be really good??? and nhs blushed at some of the ~sexy~ scenes so that’s how wwx knew he was writing the good stuff
anyway they’re sitting there, eating their hangover food and wei wuxian goes so uh my story was good right? and nhs is like yeah it was, top stuff i would buy it and wei wuxian goes what if i actually wrote it,,, haha just kidding,,,,, unless?
and in his defence he doesn’t actually write anything for the story for another like three months but then he finds himself in the middle of exam season and he’s like fuck it stress relief let’s write some erotica
he finishes the book and his exams (which he does well in but whatever) and then spends his summer holidays editing the book
when he comes back, he slaps down a paper copy on nhs’ desk and is like i finished it. nhs, thinking he meant his latest lab write up, opens it up to a random page and starts reading it out loud which was a Mistake
he trails off mid-sentence, and whips around to glare at wwx with all the wrath he can muster. it’s raunchy nhs says and just read it wwx tells him so nhs does
like 2 hours later nhs turns to him and says if it wasnt for you and the librarian staring at me the whole time i definitely would’ve felt something and wwx is like so it’s good? and nhs is like fuck yeah it is but i dont get what you want from me?
pretty much wwx passed out after exams, slept for like 20 hours and then woke up and went i should publish this and decided that nhs should draw the cover art.
nhs agrees of course and a month later wwx self-publishes bc there’s no way he can walk into a publishing house with his porn and not just combust on the spot and he decides to go by the name yiling patriarch
wwx clicks the final button to upload the fic and nhs just toasts him and goes yknow what,, this is the closest you’ve ever gotten to having sex and i’m proud of you
wei wuxian is the man who guarded his first kiss for the first twenty years of his life for someone special,,,, wwx definitely wants his first time to be special and there’s no way he’s putting out for someone he doesn’t think is important & despite having dated before, he’s never gotten close enough to someone to go yeah let’s do it so our boy is still a virgin
so wwx’s entire erotica writing inspiration comes from porn, nhs’ way too in-depth answers as to how his latest date went and uh more porn
wwx blusters about a bit bc how is he meant to respond to that and nhs is like maybe you’ll finally move on from reading those trashy romance novels and read something more exciting and wwx is like how dare you call them trashy!! hanguang-jun is a master of the romance novels!! he understands the heart in a way that no other person has ever!!
and nhs just chugs a bunch of wine and is like yeah hon okay, do you still blush when the main characters hold hands? and wwx is like no! of course not! (it’s a lie, he blushes a lot)
so nothing really happens with the book at first and wwx forgets about it for the most part but then he wakes up one morning and he’s got an extra like RMB 1000 (i dont actually know much about currency so it’s roughly $200 if my quick interneting is legit)
wwx is like wtf? and once he finds out it’s from his novel he’s doubly like wtf? but then he finds out that someone had purchased his book and did a dramatic reading on youtube bc wwx decided that regular erotica was boring and decided to make it satirical or whatever and people loved it??
he’s got nothing better to do so he just goes hm yeah remember that Author i dated who had an “incredible idea that would absolutely amaze The Critics and helped explore his own convoluted mind” let’s make something of that and he writes another book kinda mocking that idea in a very horny way.
he publishes it and someone writes a review of his two books on their blog and now he’s actually starting to get popular - he’s got more money from those two books than he did by working at the local cafe for the whole week
wwx is poor and broke and semi-disowned anyway by this point so he goes fuck it and spends every moment he’s not studying writing erotica.
he publishes another like five books by the time the year is out (i know the maths isnt working here but this is a book world where wwx can just do that via the power of loneliness and friends who egg you on)
also?? he varies his books. some of them are porn parody things a la chuck tingle and some of them are genuine porn and one book was just him writing a recipe book but making it sound as horny as possible
by the time he’s published his like 8th book or so he starts getting reviews that are critiquing his book and most of them boil down to the fact that he needs an editor or something
he ends up asking nhs for help and he’s like oh sweet my brother’s boyfriend works for a publisher who does that sort of thing
cloud recesses actually specialises in erotica and i hate the idea that lqr has spent years reading and editing erotica but sacrifices must be made
(side note that i know nothing about the writing or publishing process so pls don’t judge me too harshly)
wwx goes in with his latest manuscript and ends up arriving like ten minutes late, he rushes into the room sweaty and hot, takes one look at the guy sitting on the other side of the desk, flushes an even brighter red and runs back out of the room. he checks the plaque on the door and walks back in slowly and goes hm i didnt expect you to be so hot
cue lan wangji
lwj has always enjoyed being an editor. what do editor do specifically? idk? edit? regardless, he enjoys it.
while most of the time he’s happy working from this side of things he also likes writing
lwj fucks. he deserves it tbh. but, while he’s had a tonne of one night stands and fuckbuddies, he’s never actually dated someone. so the fact that he’s writing romance novels under the pseudonym hanguang-jun makes his friend jzx laugh a lot
he tried writing porn once and he just couldn’t do it. it was always too clinical or vague and lacked any actual passion bc he was always going oh okay mc sucks a dick but the guy i slept with last week was like a 6.4/10 when it came to sucking dick so maybe mc should also be bad at it or whatever and it just ends up falling apart,,,, but romance he can do
as an editor lwj has pretty high standards for good erotica but he’s really found himself enjoying yiling patriarch’s work even though he’s clearly just been editing himself so when the guy sent cloud recesses an email asking whether they’d be interested in his latest book lwj was ecstatic.
he also didnt expect wwx to be so hot
anyway,,, we now get to enjoy a week of lwj thinking that wwx is super hot but even more annoying and then him deciding that annoying is hot and now wwx is just absolutely amazing and wwx is just panicking the entire time
i want my publisher to rail me so hard wwx texts nhs and nhs just responds has he read the bdsm scene with the alien who has a tentacle dick and a knot yet? and wwx is like no??? nhs just goes shame, it will give him so ideas for if you ever grow a backbone and just ask him out
they publish one book together and nothing happened between them the entire time other than yearning and horniness,, of the heart and body.
when wwx realises this means that he won’t get to see lwj again he immediately writes a new book and like a month later he’s back in lwj’s office, lying on his couch while whining about the cafeteria prices at university
lwj is very enamoured by the fact that wwx is writing erotica and studying biomed bc wow
they do this for like another three books and wwx’s eroticas evolve from here’s a dinosaur man fucking a politician while a mary sue watches on to be like here’s a dinosaur man with black hair and golden eyes and a stern look to his face fucking a politician while a mary sue watches on
and hanguang-jun’s latest book?? i dont want to say that this au’s version of wangxian is hanguang-jun finally finding inspiration to write porn (his muse is wwx of course) and writing the most amazing porn with feelings and plot novel ever,, but it is.
wwx read it five times in the first week and when nhs finally tried to read it he was like uhhh wwx are you a narcissist, the love interest is exactly like you? and wwx is like ??? no???? he’s nothing like me??
anyway one day wwx gets called into lxc’s office and lxc is like so i’ve read your latest book (not the dinosaur man, a serious one with like normal people and not overly humorous thank fuck but still full of lwj yearning) and wwx is like okay? and lxc goes yes, see i was worried that you didn’t care very much for my brother but after reading your book i’m not so sure and wwx gets the weirdest shovel talk ever which is interspersed with like compliments for his porn writing skills
anyway lxc accidentally mentions that lwj writes books too and before he can take it back wwx is like who??? and lxc is like are you fucking stupid?? you told lwj to his face that you loved his books,,, he broke his theme of tender romance to write kinky sex with a character that’s a lot like you and wwx is like .,,,,,,,,, hanguang-jun??? HANGUANG-JUN???!!
lxc barely manages to confirm it before wwx is sprinting out of his office and across to find lwj.
regretfully for everyone else, lwj is in the lobby so thirty people get to hear it when wwx comes in and shouts LAN ZHAN!! back then, i really wanted write porn about you! ... i think i have actually? but i want to write porn about you and i want to be able to do the research to make it accurate! and i also want to go on dates and hold hands and feed each other food! and i love you a lot!
lwj is dying inside bc his brother’s bf is there, his uncle is currently waiting for the elevators and a whole bunch of staff are also there but also wwx likes him??? dinosaur man was lwj??
he goes over and they make out for a really long time right there in the middle of the lobby but no one wants to get between them when they’ve been pining for so long
after that they start dating and they do all the romantic stuff but also,, let’s just say that the next book wwx publishes is a lot more creative than all of his previous books
and they become some writing power couple with horniness of the heart and body and sometimes wwx will be like hey lwj i don’t really know how the logistics of this sex scene will work and lwj will be like we could try it out ourselves? and wwx just pats him on the head and is like im sorry but you dont have enough dicks for it to work ),: better luck next time
#mdzs#modao zushi#wangxian#wei wuxian#lan wangji#im so sorry everyone#i just got the idea and it wouldnt leave me alone#cql#the untamed#mo dao zu shi#have i read any erotica? no. have i read any chuck tingle? also no. am i an editor? no#so this is gonna be very shit#this is why people should be sending me prompts instead of me just writin shit myself#nsfw-ish?
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MonsterOlympics One Shot +13 (Part 2)
This One shot is divided in parts because is long as hell XD, as well this contains many racy jokes, black humor and swearing, if youre sensitive with this humor i recommend you to not read this shit, as well this One shot is just for fun. (Sorry this time i have no illustrations, im Lazy, use your imagination XD)
Nobody have expected it, Farley and Toralei run quickly to hug eachother, they
were really happy to see eachother again.
The Students from Monster High were surprised because their most problematic and devilish Classmate was acting completely lovely with surprisely a Dog, something unusual in her especially for her pals Purrsephone and Meowlody who didn't understand their friend's behavior.
Cleo The Nile
Daughter of the Momy
Age: 5843 (or more)
Gender: Female
Species: Momy
Cleo: I cant Believe what my Beautiful eyes are watching...
Pinky: Me too Sis... Me too..
Farid: here we go again...
Claw: Mew?
P&M: Meww~
The Twin Cats went close to Them catching their attention.
Purrsephone and Meowlody
Daughters of Werecats.
Age: 16
Gender: Females
Species: Werecats
Purrsephone: You most be her Frrriend's brotherrrs~?
Farren: didn't you know that she was a friend of a Dog?
Meowlody: she told us something similarrr before, but we thought it was a joke knowing her.
Farid: well for more surprising it seems, it's true.
Purrsephone: do you know since when they meet eachother?
Farren: since we used to be pups living in the streets, one day we found her escaping from a store-man, prepare yourself because this part will make this part long.
Flashback.
The street of Monsteropolis was chill, a group of 3 Poodle puppies where looking for something to eat.
Farren: Agh I'm Hungry, and you?
Farid: *sob* i think i have a hole inside my stomach...
Farley: Calm down brothers, maybe we can go to Madame Ghoulasha's shop to ask for food. you know the trick, We Knock the door, we will use the puppy eyes effect against her and she will give us food.
Farren: i still don't understand why that trick works that well.
Farid: isn't obvious? We are pretty adorable but More me~.
Farren: *chuckles* aren't supposed to have a "hole inside your stomach?".
Farid: Hey! I'm Hungry but I'm still fabulous.
Farley: Guys look!
Suddenly the puppers found a shop man ogre chasing a kitten with a bottle.
Mr Ogre: Come back here you stupid mutt!!
Toralei: as you wish!
Mr Ogre followed the kitten to a dark alley
Farley: we can't leave them like that
Farren: Are you Serious!? It's a Cat!!
Farid: Eww yeah, what if they has fleas?
Farley: We have fleas too..*shows them a flea walking through his paw furr* and she needs our help, remember Stray animals always can help other stray animals.
Farren: but what if they doesn't thanks us?
Farley: We can throw them to the sewers
:3.
Farren: okay let's go.
The 3 puppies followed the Ogre to the Alley.
Mr Ogre: *manages to catch her*
Gotcha!
Toralei: No!!
Mr Ogre: Hah did you thought that you would escape from me?.
Toralei: Hssss!!! Let me go you bastard!!
Mr Ogre:*takes a razor* or what?
Toralei:..*gulp*...
Mr Ogre: heh your journey ends here kitty- agh!?
The Ogre was about to end with the kitten life but he suddenly was stopped by the tackle of the triplet Poodles, making him faint and drop the kitten.
Toralei: Mew!!
Farley:*catches her* Gotcha! Are you okay?
Toralei: T-thanks, *sniffs him* wait.. are you a Dog!? *Jumps off*
Farid: "your welcome" hmp!
Farley: Yes we are dogs, but i didn't wanted to leave you alone and less with that man about to make Cat-Hash with you.
Toralei: Well.. i usually can escape by myself but.. still, thank you.
Farley: at your service miss.. uhh
Toralei: Toralei Stripe, and you arrre?
Farley: My name is Farley, and this are my brothers, The sour one is Farren.
Farren: Hey!
Farley: and the Narcissist pup who is looking his reflection with the Ogre's razor is Farid.
Farid: who is a pretty puppy? I am! ÙwÚ.
Farley: and i am Farley, together we are the Fluffy Gang.
Toralei: Wow you are all a team, nice to meet ya, I wish I could have my own mates, my older siblings were all adopted except me...
Farley: don't worry, you can come with us and be part of the Gang!
Toralei: Yay! :D
Farid/Farren: What!? D:<
Farley: you can come with us the Time you want until you found out your own mates.
Toralei: Oki Doki! :D
Farren: Farley what the fluff!?
Farid: Whyyyy?~...
Farley: Aww c'mon guys it would be fun.
Farren: i don't think she would like to come with us.."we have fleas"
Toralei: I have Fleas too :D.
Farren: Ok Fair enough.
Farley: Well lets go >:3!
Suddenly the Ogre started to wake up
Mr Ogre: You Little-..
The Cubs: No D:<! *pulls out his cords*
Mr Ogre: What the-!!!... AAAARGHH!!
The Ogre fell from the stairs of another Alley, by then break his neck in the last step, dying in that moment. The Fluffy gang and Toralei didnt believed that they really killed someone.
Farid: *Panic Attack* Oh no! Oh no! we killed him! What we will do!? im too younger and beautiful to go to Jail!! D,:>!!
Toralei: Me Too! D,:<
Farren: *Slaps Farid* Farid Calm Down! this is not the moment for your whines!
Toralei: What we will do Farley?...
Farley:...Uhhhh... look! there is a tip to the sewers, we can throw the body there :D!.
Toralei: Good Idea >:D!.
Farren: Are we Literally ignore that we killed a man?..
Farid: *Sighs* at least we will not go to Jail ;w;
Farren: Ok lets do this!..
Then The Fluffy gang and Toralei with effort, they managed to threw the body of the Ogre to the sewers so anyone will not notice their crime.
Farren: Well, the Job is finished... what now?
Farid: Oww im Still hungry ....
Toralei: Guys, that man had a shop with full of food, thats where i taked the Bottle with milk wich is not in the ground...
Farley: Ok lets go for some snacks! :D
The Fluffly Gang and Toralei: Yay :D
Flashback Ends.
Farren: And thats How we meet Toralei
Farid: Cute isn't?
Meowlody: a little...
Purrsephone: we literrrally thought it was a joke.
Meowlody: And i cant believe that you killed a man..
Farid: We were just babies, we didnt know what we are doing heheh~
Claw: hm?
Meowlody: and this little one?
Farren: Its Claw, His Dying mother gave him to us to save him from the hunters, so he lives with us as a younger sibling, The Principal Stratos usually overprotects him.
P&M: Thats so cute from you part mew~
Claw: *sniffs them* mew
P&M: *sniff him* ...
Claw: *purrrs*
P&M: Awww
Farley: I cant believe we are finally together
Toralei: Me too! ;w; *Purring* I missed you so much!
Farley: *Waving tail* I missed you too!
Frankie: Its so Cute to see this...
Meanwhile..
Manny Taur
A Fucking Minotaur Bully
Age: 17
Species: Minotaur
Gender: Male
Manny: Aww look at this, what are you supossed to be Rabbit?
Bradley: a Vampire/Jackalope Hybrid
Manny: Hah! Vampire!? but youre so tiny
Bradley: well at least the size your dick compensates the size of your brain and intelligence..
Manny: *blushes* How dare you!?
Bradley: well.. its part of your biology..
Manny: Thats it you are Death!
Frankie: Manny No!
Manny was about to Hit Bradley (wich didnt seem scared) but suddenly he was attacked by Skeebo before he would hurt his beloved bunny.
Skeebo: Dont you dare to hurt my boyfriend!
Manny: Your Boyfriend? *chuckles* dont play dumb, you are a fox and Foxes eats rabbits like him!
Skeebo: *Whispers* Shh shh please dont expose what i do with him everynight~
Bradley: im an Arctic Hare not a rabbit...wait*blushes* Skeebo!
Skeebo: Sorry Dear~
Manny: you guys are gross...
Frankie: Thats Enough Manny, do you want me to tell Minnie about your Behavior?
Manny: Oh no! Please dont tell my sister!...
Skeebo: Heh... he is afraid of his sister~
Manny: At least i have a sister
Skeebo: !!!......
Bradley: You son of a Bitch! how dare you!? just because you heard the most of us are orphans doesnt give you the rights of making fun of Us!
Frankie: Wait.. are you Orphans?..
Skeebo: Thats it!...
A Fight Started between Manny and Skeebo, but it was stopped by Miss Bloodgood and Stratos.
Bloodgood: You 2 Stop!
Stratos: You both will go to detention!..
Manny: Thats why Maze High is a bad copy of Monster High, the Students here are all Awfull!!
All: *Gasps*
Claw: *Cries*
Farley/Toralei: What did you said!?
Farren/Farid: You will pay for this!
Betrayus: calm down.. not here!
Skeebo: You said that because at least all of you have their own families...
Bloodgood: Manny Taur...you will be grounded by the rest of the event, the meeting is over..
Stratos: Mistress Bloodgood...I am so sorry for this..
Bloodgood: No no... its not your fault, *sighs* i will correct my student.. Good luck in the event..
Stratos: Good luck for you too...
Manny: *gulp*...
Stratos: Me too...
Frankie: Oh gosh.. i am so sorry..
Skeebo: Its Okay.. we are all used to be seeing like this..*Leaves*
Bradley: Skeebs...*sighs*.... its true... While me as some less of my classmates.. mostly of them are all orphan.. for it they basically live here..
Frankie: Ou... i have no idea..
Bradley: Its okay.. as my boyfriend said.. we are used to be judged by other schools... and... Mostly of that students from other schools have their own families...*follows Skeebo*...
Frankie: *Sighs*
The meeting ended and the Monster High Students returned to their homes, while the students from Maze high returned to their dorms, an exception to Farley and Toralei wich where in the school garden trying to calm down Claw.
Farley: Awww Claw dont cry, he will not hurt you.
Toralei: when i see him, i will scratch his ugly bull face so nobody will recognize him not even with the passaport.
Claw: *sob* *sob*
Toralei: Dont Cry little Fella, that awfull bull will not hurt you anymore *pets Claw*
Claw: *Purrs*
Farley: Thank you Toralei, maybe im tired of the boring boomer of Stratos but he still needs a rest.
Toralei: You dont have to thank me, this fella needed it.
Farley: thats right...*Blushes* Its so nice to have you here..
Toralei: *Blushes* Ahh.. yeah i feel the same, heh
Farley: You want me to accompany to your home?
Toralei: Nah, i can go by myself, cats loves nocturnal walks.
Farley: W-w-well see you tomorrow..
Toralei: S-see you T-tomorrow...
Toralei left the gardens to return to her home, while Farley was watching her leave still blushed.
Farley: *sighs*
Claw:*giggles*
Farley: what?..
To be Continued..
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Chronic Emptiness
Fred x reader
After the war
Summary: Y/N having a depressive episode & Fred trying to help her through it. Basically me living vicariously through her. Soft moment.
Warning: Mentions of depression & plainly feeling like shit
——————
Y/N was exhausted. Not by her job or work, just mentally drained. This sort of thing happened sometimes. One moment she was okay, the next it all came crashing down on her & she’d feel pure hatred for the world she was living in. Fred had gotten used to it by now, he’d be the ever so caring boyfriend & try to help her through it however he could. Exept he really couldnt do much but reassure Y/N that he was there for her.
And of course Y/N appreciated him & all his efforts, she loved Fred more than life itself & everyone knew that. But sometimes she just needed space. Like today.
They were at a bar with George & Angelina and several other mates after their shifts had all ended from their various occupations. George & Fred at their joke shop, Angelia at the Ministry, Y/N at St Mungos.
Y/N never truly felt like she belonged, not growing up at home, not at Hogwarts, & certainly not in St Mungos where she was working as a nurse. Its not that she hated the job, more like it didn’t particularly cause her immediate joy. She just did it. She got on with it & did what she had to.
As her friends were dancing to the music Y/N leant into her boyfriends ear so he’d hear her say “Hey Fred I think I’m gonna head home early today, I’m tired.”
The man looked up at her, as if trying to read her thoughts “D’you want me to come with love?”
Y/N shook her head, declining the offer “No dont worry. I’ll go through the park, I need some fresh air anyway.” Fred nodded & bid her goodbye with a kiss, telling her to stay safe. “I’ll see you at home.”
It was already dark outside, the tall streetlamps being the main source of light for the woman, but she wasnt really paying attention to where she way going, not caring enough to look. Y/N got to the park near the flat where her & Fred lived, deciding to make a pitstop there she sat on one of the wooden benches that overlooked a small river.
Letting out a heavy sigh she put her head into the palms of her hands, it was feeling all too heavy lately. “Dear Merlin I’m so tired.” Mumbling, the woman rolled her head in her hands before sitting back up and gazing at the sky. Oh how beautiful it looked tonight.
Lighting up a cigarette, she put it to her lips & took a long inhale. She was supposed to be quitting smoking, Fred always got on her about continuing the habbit. In all honesty Y/N didnt care enough to stop, at this point she wasnt even sure if she still got the same boost of seratonin from smoking as she used to. But again, it didnt bother her.
“Fuck me why is life so draining?” She asked no one in particular, she knew why it was draining, the abundance of issues with her brain promptly being the answer. She just wished it were easier. Easier to deal with things.
Realistically Y/N had nothing to be unhappy about anymore, there was no war, she had a good life, an amazing boyfriend, a stable job, decent friends. But there was a permanent void in her heart that could never be filled. Ever since she was a child it stayed with her. Maybe her cold & harsh, unloving parents brought it on, or maybe how she didnt let herself feel love & would distance herself from anyone that ever got close to her. But it was there. Unmovable.
The woman let the smoke out from her mouth, sighing at why she was having another one of her episodes, feeling shitty about having said episode. Yet, there was nothing she could do to stop it from occuring. “Fuck off brain.” She mumbled to herself, cursing her biology & upbringing “Stop feeling so Shit.”
“I keep you alive you ungrateful idiot.” She huffed to herself “And I’m doing a pretty good job, so stop making me feel like its my fault.” It wasnt her fault. If it were, Y/N would know how to fix it & evidently stop feeing this way.
Some would say the war brought this Y/N on, but people knew that she was like this way before. However, before she was better at hiding it. Better at hiding the dark circles, the restlessness, the ‘I dont care what happens to me’ attitude. In all honesty it didnt bother Y/N that people knew she was like this, she didnt do it on purpose. And when she could- she’d be happy- the life of the party, in those instances she could hide her feelings. But sometimes they just got too overwhelming to bare.
“You’re being such a selfish prick.” She sighed and puffed on yet another cigarette “Go home Y/N. Go to the man who loves you.” Yet she made no motion to move. It’d probably been two hours since she left the bar, she wasnt keeping track of time, not feeling the need to.
Sometimes she thought that Fred didnt love her, not because he said something or did something, but because she thought that Fred puts up with her. Which wasn’t true, the man loved her to death, she made him feel alive. Y/N was a risk taker, an adventurer, someone that kept you on your toes- & he admired that about her. Y/N was smart & funny & the most gorgeous person Fred had ever seen, but he knew that behind her sarcasm & faux narcissistic comments, she didnt believe it. Oh what he’d give for the woman to see herself through his eyes.
A few more minutes passed & the woman got up with a sigh, throwing the butt of her cigarette down, she made her way home.
The door creaked open, a little too loudly for Y/N’s taste, she winced at the sound, hoping it wouldnt wake Fred.
“Where were you?” The light flicked on. Before her stood a dischevelled Fred, arms crossed “I got home and you werent here.”
“I was in the park.” She mumbled, taking her coat off “Lost track of time, sorry.”
Fred looked at the woman before him, he noticed the dark circles that she tried to cover prefousley with makeup, noticed the ash on her jacket and faint aroma of smoke mixed with sadness.
“Its fine.” He reassured her and went to hug her, pretending to not notice her cold body & how she stiffened when he touched her “Just let me know next time alright?”
The woman hummed in agreement and walked into the living room, as she sat on the couch she put the tv on to play some sort of muggle program but not really paying attention to it. She just didnt fancy Fred interrogating her about her feelings. She hated talking about them, normally just botteling them up. Maybe that was the cause of her unhappiness.
A few moments went by & she thought Fred had went to bed, but then she felt the couch sink next to her. “Here” he placed a blanket around her & handed her a hot mug of tea “You’re freezing.” Mumbling a thanks she sipped on her drink, not really feeling like talking she waited for him to say something, anything.
And he did “Is it getting bad again?” Oh. Was it? Probably. Most definitely.
“I’m fine.” She lied “I’ll be fine.” Y/N wasnt convincing anyone.
Fred watched her, not knowing what to say or do. He wished he could help, just magically cheer up the love of his life. But thats not how life worked. “You’re good enough.” He blurted out “You deserve to feel happy.”
Y/N didnt look up at him, she knew Fred was trying to help. But was he? I dont know.
“Do I though, do I really?” She finally asked with a sigh, those seemed to be coming from her a lot lately “Because I know I do, I just dont feel it coming to me and its so draining to get on with life when you feel worthless.”
Fred took in what she just said, pausing before trying to come up with a reasonable response “I know.” He sighed “I want to help you Y/N, what can I do?” What could he do though? Realistically?
“I dont know. Nothing. This’ll pass soon enough and I’ll be okay.”
Fred knew that, Y/N was always ‘okay’ or ‘fine’ or ‘just tired’ “But I want you to be better than okay. I want you to be happy, to enjoy life and all its moments.”
Y/N scoffed “And you think I dont want that?” There was a tense silence
“Why dont we take the day off tomorrow and go out somewhere? We havent done that in a while.” Fred suggested. It was true, with both of them being bombarded by work they hardly saw eachother in the last few months.
“Sure.” Y/N smiled sickly and set her tea down “Yeah alright I’ll just sack my job off to have a fun little date with you eh? Why not risk getting fired just because I’m feeling a little moody huh?”
Fred was taken aback by her words and immediately went back on what he said “If you dont want to thats fine I-“
“Im sorry” she cut him off “I’m sorry, that was a dick move I didnt mean it, just everythings gotten so much-“ she put her feet up on the couch to hug them “Im sorry.” A few stray tears fell onto her knees
Fred moved closer to her “Hey, its okay, its okay dont worry. I understand.” Oh sweet understanding Fred, Fred who gave you unconditional love and support. Fred who you keep snapping at.
Moments pass as he embraces you, your body leaning against his heavily. Not sure whether its the exhaustion or something else “I dont deserve you.” You mumble into his chest. He frowns cups your face in his hands, you lean in to his warm touch.
“Dont say that” you let out a quiet sob “Y/N you deserve the absolute world, and I wish I could give it to you & more. If I could take away your pain, I would. In an instant I would. You dont deserve to feel like this, to think like this. But I’m here for you okay. I love you, so fucking much you don’t understand.” He gazed into her eyes, wishing she could feel how much he meant it “You’re the best thing that happened to me & I’m going to prove it to you, whatever it takes Y/N.” He kissed your nose before letting you hug him tighter, relieved that you no longer shrunk away from his touch “Words cant express how much I love you.”
After a few more tears fall, Y/N laughs into his chest “Good because you’re stuck with me.”
Fred grins to himself “I wouldnt have it any other way.”
#slytherin#harry potter#hogwarts#hufflepuff#gryffindor#ravenclaw#james potter#remus lupin#sirius black#draco malfoy#fred wesley#fred weasley imagines#fred weasley imagine#fred and george#Spotify#depressing things#george weasley#sirius black imagines#fanfic#ron weasley#gryffinpuff#hermione granger#fred weasley x slytherin#slytherin x gryffindor
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RadioDust is the Healthiest Toxic Ship for Angel so far
@honesthazbinarchives Briefly. I’d like to go into this more in the future BUT these are the main points I said I’d do. Heh ‘stay tuned’ for why HuskerDust is toxic [haaaa funny fuckin reference n shit like Viv herself aint overdone it]. Yer dont even wanna know the lack of enthusiasm in tryna do a playful ‘cringetopia’ joke - wasnt as fun as anticipated. Anyfuckinways, the shit.
Before we begin, disclaimers n whatnot, no hate intended, dni if you’re a bit of a knobhead [either stan or extreme anti], an all that nonsense. I dont own the characters no shit.
In this I’ll discuss how RadioDust aka SpiDEER (thats right, yer stuck w my shit humour now) is both the healthiest ship for Angel we’ve seen so far but still rather toxic. Idc if you hate me for it but dont fuckin waste yer time telling me. Great. I dont care. Yer fuckin hard n whatnot for harassin strangers online. Big dick energy to you. This will be slightly messy, my apologies, it’s a quick summary of many points.
Alright. Firstly, out of the entire male cast Angel interacts with over all platforms, Al is given a fair bit of mercy in terms of sexual advances. In fact, a swift ‘no’ and Angel doesn’t do it again - unlike most of the other cast [pent’s is covert, husks is overt]. One thing I like is that Angel himself admits to their chemistry (claiming that whilst he thinks Al’s a prick, he thinks Al dislikes him which saddens him as he’d at least like to be friends as he feels they have good chemistry - according to the VA via Hunicast’s 1yr anniversary), there’s no further efforts to jump on his dick but a clear curiosity/interest in what Al can do.
Lets go to the basics, both are of similar age [allegedly in their 30s, though Ive heard Al may be up to mid 40s] as well as created near the same-ISH time (as in, Viv’s oldest characters, at least for HH). Likewise, Viv admitted to knowing fuck all on either of their eras (and to make that public wasn’t really a wise choice BUUUT if you felt the need, it’s better worded with interest “Right now I’m working towards educating myself more on their time periods to improve their portrayals” <-- crucial if yer want that ‘realism’). Because of their real-world ages, Viv confesses they’re her favourites (even if you didnt know, she makes it pretty clear). It could be a nice ‘homage’ to their impact in her life but not too relevant otherwise. It could fulfil the need for self indulgence that she’s unhealthily leaking into the canon - which will ultimately make the series shit. No sugarcoating there.
As for their ages, a relationship can work whether the gap is large or small HOWEVER there are many ethics and conflicts to each. And being an adult into kids is always fucked up. With that being said, studies have shown that closer ages often work better due to the often similarities in mindset, maturity and life goals (older folks are more likely to want to settle, younger often have more ambitions), likewise there tends to be an unbalanced power-dynamic if the ages are too far, which can lead to various types of abuse. Dont get me wrong, being with someone much older (AS LONG AS NONE OF YALL ARE KIDS) very much CAN work - but rarely. There’s much more hardwork needed as well as being in the right mindset for both, otherwise it’s bad. More on that in HD. Long story short, both are closer in age meaning both are more ‘relatable’ to one another. There’s common grounds, even in the eras there’s some higher understanding of one another. Notice how Vaggie and Charlie are similar in age? (Even though Charlie is far older, her appearance and mentality for her race is on par with Vaggie’s, making it far more likely to work out positively)
One of the most prominent out of all of this however is their actual interests. So listing; Both like action/chaos/having fun (often at the expense of others), both love cooking and can be food snobs in their own right, both have sadistic AND masochistic tendencies, Al likes performance and theatre whilst Angel loves *to* perform, on that last point Angel was very intrigued and enjoyed Al’s song number/performance naturally, both really enjoy pranks and both enjoy liquor (neither show an actual addiction, but rather an interest in social drinking - no dependencies on it). Again, close eras mean both have a higher probability of understanding the other and their lifestyles better. Both are high on appearance and love themselves, implying self confident mindset (healthy BUT the narcissism isnt) yet enough consideration for how they are viewed. On the parent system, one adores his mama whilst the other hates his pops.
Now Ive gone on about how they’re similar. But similarities ALONE is not enough. If it was, then fandom’s would be a lil more harmonious~
A HEALTHY relationship needs compatibility, POSITIVE conversation flow, common grounds, trust, openness and understanding. Even then, some people click and some just dont. It’s like how you can just hate someone for no reason. It just IS. Common grounds and similarity is scientifically proven to be attractive to someone - be it good or BAD. People are drawn to those like their parents in some way usually, likewise we look for people similar to ourselves (from our interests, to humour, beliefs, goals, etc). Science itself states that ‘opposites attract’ solemnly applies in the real world successfully. Though similiarity plays a large role, there has to be some differences too - that person is STILL an individual separate to yourself. Too similar and it’s boring. Too similar and you’ll do everything together without some ‘you’ time. Both Vaggie and Charlie have similar interests/hobbies in dance and music, yet still have enough differences to be identifiable when together. Vaggie is more grounded than Charlie. Charlie gives some optimism and fun to Vaggie. Remember, a partner does NOT complete you - that’s a toxic mindset when taken too seriously, You complete YOURSELF. Whether you have someone or not, you must feel complete in yourself as to not slip into toxic dependency on a lover - to become them, a shadow of them or feel like you’ve lost your identity without them. Sounds harsh but it’s true. Chaggie compliments each other without a dependency. You stand alone yet uplift one another. You don’t always agree but in the end you always have each other’s backs. Love is often butchered in a toxic light in the media.
So taking that into consideration, how does spideer work? Well, here’s some examples of good, bad and neutral:
- Angel loves animals, Al fears/dislikes dogs. Perhaps Angel could assist him in overcoming this?
- Al hates being touched, Angel dislikes being squeezed. Maybe this could help them reach an understanding... Or cause a rift?
- Angel was the only one to break Al’s composure, either Angel is the *key* to delving further into Al’s more raw self... Or just another obVOXious pest? (yeah, I said it-)
- Neither respect other’s boundaries, meaning both may fuel the other to be overly disrespectful in this area. Not good.
- Angel is a sarky/sarcastic fuck, Al loves dry humour. Both seek amusement and chaos. In relationships one needs to see how conversation flows and in the hunicasts, both keep up some good as well as toxic banter. Both could roast the fuck out of an opponent however.
- Al is acro/ace, Angel is hypersexual (appears like a sex addict - now I say this as his book has a crossed out ‘fun stuff’ with ‘work shit’ written on it. He’s always fixed on sex from his job to his humour), this could either aid Angel ease up on the sex stuff OR make him overly push it onto Al causing major rifts and discomfort (aces can have sex, ref to ace posts that real asexuals put to understand more but no one wants to be forced into sex is the point here). And we’ve already discussed their lack of respect for boundaries. The positive is that maybe this will make Angel understand how Val is rubbing off on his own behaviour towards men [again, more on that in the HD post].
- Both similar yet different in a way that does suit their compatibility chances but that doesnt mean they will click, it just improves the odds.
- Both have similar enemies in Val and Vox, they’re on common terms. Likewise, Al is against the ‘sexual deviance’ of hell meaning he may be oddly supportive and protective of Angel in terms of Val. I dont even think his sadism will override this either.
- Al dislikes modern tech, Angel seems to use it as his job requires it. A nice little menial difference.
- Only ONE is an addict. Take it from an expert, you NEVER put two addicts together. They’re very vulnerable and prone to slipping deeper into their addictions as well as depending on each other too much that they essentially become very clingy, suffocating and toxic to each other. Seen it in action, it’s ugly.
- Both could have a lot of fun and calm moments with each other.
- He isn’t immediately smitten with Al but immediately shows a natural interest in Al’s powers and performance, embracing it openly. Leads for a good friendship turned lovers plot.
- In Viv’s patreon, she confirmed Angel loves confident guys [sounds exactly like Al]
We need to think about where both are mentally. What benefits would a relationship give both? How would they be good and bad for each other?
For Al, aside from his outdated views and being a fucking murderer and narcissist, he actually seems in a good mindspace for a relationship IF he opted to be in one.
Angel however has a very immature mindset, likewise is in a phase of life where hes bed hopping. IF he were to be in a relationship, I’d say he needs a male equivalent of Cherri - someone with a similar mindset yet some differences, willing to have fun and in touch with their younger side, down to cuddle, open to share and receive love as well as not afraid to publicly be affectionate with him, someone who sees him as more than just for sex, someone fun, someone who’ll let him embrace his cutesy side publicly without shame - Cherri is younger so maybe someone who’s his age or slightly younger perhaps? I think Angel’s not retirement home ready to settle and needs someone on his level that can cuddle and chill as well as feels free and youthful enough to go wild with him. In one sense, he’s got a teen girl sorta mindset (dont put him with a teen though, it’s fuckin weird-). He needs someone positive and raw, someone to let him be himself as well as someone comfortable to be themselves around him. He has a habit of latching onto unobtainable men (in psychology, this is self sabotaging subconsciously): Travis the client, Val a pimp, Husk (emotionally unavailable and needs HEAVY self work - interestingly far more than Angel - plus he’s still onto his last relationship and an addict to gambling and alcohol), Pent who’s the enemy he was currently fighting (inappropriate timing), Alastor who’s not interested in another but his own needs [selfish, VERY bad for a relationship]. Subconsciously he’s self sabotaging on purpose. There’s many psychology books as well as sources online for this, if you’re interested. Either way, Angel is drawn to men either like his father [who dislike him, shun him, or are otherwise cold, abusive or just blatantly dislike or otherwise dont care about him] or anyone with money to fuel his drug addiction/’debt’ to Val. Going with any of these men isn’t a good idea.
Preferably, Angel needs someone who he doesnt immediately crush and obsess over. Someone who he doesnt sexually harass or assault. Someone he can build a connection with quickly that can bud into romance (think how Chaggie started as a friendship which clicked immediately). Maybe even someone he doesn’t expect to fall for but does so anyways. It would be more realistic as Viv wants as well as more healthy. That for once he isnt sex or money craved instantly, thus doesnt sexually harass/assault and is given a proper chance to develop and grow a friendship and love. Someone who isnt an addict.
Someone with an on-par mindset where they click. Someone open to love.
For any chance of a good relationship, Angel needs to be with anyone BUT who we’ve already seen. There’s too much toxicity that’ll be swept under the rug and justified otherwise. Too much shit to fuel homophobes in terms of gay stereotypes. Even though Ive focused a fair bit on Angel, it’s NOT just about Angel. That’s something fans forget. Some he depends on or someone who depends on him in the long term wont last and will be very dangerous to both.
Just because you suffer, you dont then deserve to be rewarded with ‘something nice’. You dont get to have everything youve ever wanted. Giving him any of these blokes [minus Val] gives him a pass. Gives him what he wants. I get Viv loves him but life doesnt work that way. True lasting growth comes from learning that. Acceptance and growth. You dont get everything you want and sometimes thats a GOOD thing. He’s not a spoilt kid who gets everything he asks for, he’s YOUR creation. If you really wanted what your creations deserve then you need to research and be realistic with it. Because hes starting to feel like a shitty Gary-Stu at this rate.
I live with an ‘Angel Dust’ like person. It used to feel like life gave her everything and most times it did. Everyone loved her and she could get away with murder if she wanted to. But now she’s had to struggle and grow, let go of some ‘wants’ because they werent good for her and she’s becoming better for it. She has a long way but she’s more humble for it now [still got self confidence but it’s less narcissism now, which is more healthy for her].
Also, they make the word anal lol
#stans and antis dni#pros and cons to radiodust#spideer#anti hazbin#viv needs to actually research#vivs been in toxic relationships so she should know better and how these come across#wait until anti huskerdust#ill really be fuckin loathed then#anyways#enjoy?
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wish you were sober | billy hargrove x reader x steve harringon |
wish you were sober
billy hargrove x reader x steve harrington
summary: parties weren’t your thing, and maybe billy wasn’t either
a/n: hey everyone this is my first shot at writing a stranger things fic, and obviously my first time writing billy so i hope it’s okay! just a disclaimer, i dont condone billy’s behavior in stranger things and if you find yourself in an abusive relationship romantic or otherwise, please seek help! that being said this is inspired by conan gray’s wish you were sober i suggest listening to it while reading, also! the gif isn’t mine! im honestly not sure who made it but credit to them!
song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHyE_erqAe0
tw: angst, language
This party's shit, wish we could dip
Go anywhere but here
Parties were so not your scene. Alcohol wasn’t your thing, dancing anywhere outside of your room was out of the question and the music was deafeningly loud. So why were you here? Oh right, Billy fucking Hargrove. How could you even begin to describe your relationship with Billy Hargrove? The only way that you could think to describe it was the same way that you would describe Billy himself, soft in the middle, rough around the edges and full of fluctuations. One second you would feel like you were on top of the world, and the next you would feel as if you’d hit rock bottom. If you got to close you were sure to get cut but the closer you got the better it felt, the more it opened up. Sometimes you weren’t sure if you were talking about Billy or your relationship, sometimes you weren’t sure of anything.
Tonight, everything was on a downswing.
The day had started out fine, Billy drove you home from school and had managed to talk you into accompanying him to the party.
“It’ll be fine (y/n)!”
“What if it’s not?”
“It will be. Now go put on something nice so we can get going.” You sighed but complied, you knew that you’d do anything for him because you had just always assumed that he’d do the same. Assumed.
Not even ten minutes were you at the party and he was already at the keg stand doing exactly what Billy does best, being a reckless little shit. Having left you for alcohol so early on you found yourself frozen, so here you were.
“(y/n)!” Steve made a beeline for you through the crowd.
“Hey Steve.” you responded meekly,
“What’s up?”
“Oh you know, Billy.” you responded dryly, Steve’s face fell in disappointment.
Steve knew all about your dynamic relationship with Billy, the ups, the downs, but mostly the downs. Steve had been a good friend of yours since diapers so it was only natural that he would know everything about you and Billy,
“What now?” You nodded over in Billy’s direction as you and Steve watched him stumble towards you,
“Harrington.” Billy slurred shooting Steve a look that could kill.
Don't take a hit, don't kiss my lips
And please don't drink more beer
“And that’s when Steve makes an exit,” Steve says patting your back and disappearing back into the crowd,
“What did he want?”
“Nothing Billy, he’s my friend, you know that.”
“I don’t like him.”
“I know you don’t like him Billy.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing Billy,” you shifted your gaze to the floor, refusing to look Billy in the eye, you didn’t feel like expressing your disappointment in him, you just wanted to make it through the night so that you could just go home,
“I know,” Billy gave you one of his classic smirks failing to notice how you looked down, “You need a drink.”
“Billy, I don’t really drink-”
“Oh? So you don’t want to drink it?” Billy moved his face closer to yours, lifting your chin up, his breath smelt of beer and something else that you were pretty sure you could place as weed.
“Billy please don’t-”
He did anyways, he tasted how he smelt, and you didn’t like it. You waited for him to pull away and watched as he turned to get more beer,
“Billy.” you said over the crowd with a soft tone,
“(y/n).” he turned around, sending shivers down your spine, and not in the way you liked,
“Please don’t drink more beer.” He only laughed and continued walking away.
I'ma crawl outta the window now
'Cause I don't like anyone around
Kinda hope you're following me out
But this is definitely not my crowd
As the night went on it only got worse, Billy seemed to have an inhuman tolerance for alcohol as he downed one after the other. Ignoring you, leaving you to sit alone.
You sat at the edge of the pool, your shoes off with just up to your ankles submerged in the chlorinated water. You were taken out of your thoughts when someone over by the porch screamed,
“COPS! EVERYBODY RUN!”
You quickly stood up stumbling to put your shoes on as you rapidly searched the crowd for Billy, failing to be able to see him through the masses. You finally got your shoes back on and pushed your way through everyone still searching for Billy, you kept searching until you found yourself face to face with a certain someone everyone had been running from-
“(y/l/n)?” Hopper stared at you astonished to see Jane’s on and off babysitter at a party like this,
“Hopper?”
“What are you doing here?” Tears started to well up in your eyes as you struggled to create sentences,
“I want to go home…” you managed to squeak out. Hopper nodded silently before briefly leaving to scan the grounds, having found that everyone else had managed to escape, you followed Hopper to his car.
“Thank you.” you said quietly as you strapped yourself in,
“It’s no problem,” Hopper paused for a second testing the waters, “But I really have to ask (y/n), what in the world were you doing there?”
You shook your head at him and Hopper respected that whatever your reasons were that you didn’t want to talk about it. He decided not to press further, he knew that you were a good kid, so whatever you were doing there, he trusted you.
On the drive home the car was silent but your mind was buzzing with thoughts of Billy. You swore that you could still taste the alcohol from his lips. Every minute or so you couldn’t help but look out the rear view window, wishing that Billy was following you home to say that he was sorry or to at least say goodnight.
“Here we are,” Hopper pulled over in front of you house,
“Thank you.” you said as you got out of his car,
“(y/n)?” you turned to look at him, “Don’t let anybody make you do anything you don’t want to do, okay?” You nodded firmly and thanked him again before shutting the passenger seat of the car door and quietly letting yourself into your house.
It was dark, good. The last thing you needed was to deal with your dad tonight, his bedroom door was shut and the lights were off in there too, which meant that you were safe. You took note that your parent’s car wasn’t in the driveway which meant that your Mom was out with one of her men on the side...again.
You lightly padded down the hallway and let out a sigh of relief as you finally shut your bedroom door.
“(y/n).” It was him, you turned your head to the right taking notice that your window had been left open.
“Billy.” You couldn’t lie, you were relieved to see him, but you couldn’t hide the hurt in your tone.
Nineteen but you act twenty-five now
Knees weak, but you talk pretty proud, wow
Ripped jeans and a cup that you just downed
Take me where the music ain't too loud
Trade drinks, but you don't even know her
Save me 'till the party is over
Kiss me in the seat of your Rover
Real sweet, but I wish you were sober
“(y/n),” Billy was hammered, “I didn’t realize that you didn’t escape too, I would have driven you home. So I came here and I’ve been waiting for you.”
“Billy, did you drive here?”
“Yeah, parked down the street.”
“Billy, you’re drunk.”
“(y/n), you’re pretty.” He gave you another classic smirk that only Billy Hargrove could do and placed a kiss to your lips. Alcohol still on his breath. You frowned,
“What’s wrong (y/n)?” you sighed and started to change into your pajamas,
“It’s nothing Billy.” you saw Billy watching you take your clothes off out of the corner of your eye but you didn’t really care in this moment all you could think about was how little Billy seemed to care about you.
“It’s not nothin’, you’re pissed.” Billy put his hands on his hips and faced you as you sighed and sat down on the edge of your bed,
“What is it (y/n)?” Billy moved in closer to you and kissed your forehead, “You’re so pretty, you know that?” He was too close right now. It was too much. You could feel the aftermath of the sound system in your eardrums and it still felt like a train was running through your body, the closer he got the stronger the stench of alcohol was, it was seriously too much, you forced your gaze away from him and your eyes fixated on a crack in your wooden floorboards,
“You’re sweet Billy, but I wish you were sober.”
I wish you were sober
Wish you were so, wish you were so, wish you were sober
I wish you were sober
“But (y/n), it was a party.”
“I know Bily, I’m sorry, I just, I just wish you were.”
“Sober?” he rolled his eyes at you, “I wish you were drunk.”
“I don’t want to be.” you said quietly as you continued to fixate your gaze on the floorboard.
Tripped down the road, walking home
You kissed me at your door
Pulling me close, begging me to stay over
But I'm over this rollercoaster
Billy’s face faltered and he ran his hands through his hair,
“Look, (y/n), I’m sorry okay? Let’s just go back to my place, and I’ll have you back before your dad even notices you’re gone, okay? Please?”
“Billy.”
“My dads not home, and Max is at her friend’s, it’ll just be you and me, and we can, we can just...We can just do. You know? Let’s just go (y/n), come on.”
“Billy please.”
“(y/n), let’s go. Love you, you know?.”
Billy never failed to put the “I” in the relationship never failing to completely leave behind his narcissistic ways despite this, Billy Hargrove never failed to leave the “I” out of “I love you.”
“Billy, I love you...I really love you but I’m over this rollercoaster. I’m sorry.”
“(y/n), what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I can’t do this anymore Billy.”
“Do what? (y/n), yes you can, you just said so.”
“Billy I’m sorry, but you have to leave.”
“(y/n), you love me, you can’t-”
“Yes Billy, I love you.”
“See? So why-”
“I love you but you’re killing me.”
Billy opened his mouth to respond, but quickly closed it again, he looked at the ground, at you, and then at the ground again before making his way out of your window, leaving you to sit on the edge of your bed tears falling onto your floor.
I'ma crawl outta the window now
Getting good at saying, "gotta bounce"
Honestly you always let me down
And I know we're not just hanging out
Billy had taught you how to do a few things without even meaning to. He taught you how to get good at hiding disappointment. He taught you to get really good at responding to “gotta bounce.” He taught you how to hold on tight on a rollercoaster. But most importantly he taught you what it was like to die without taking your final breath.
Nineteen but you act twenty-five now
Knees weak, but you talk pretty proud, wow
Ripped jeans and a cup that you just downed
Steve Harrington. You swore he was a different breed. He was eighteen but he acted like he was twenty-five, yeah, it was obnoxious sometimes, but just by looking at him you could tell that it was warranted. He never did tell you about what had happened in the past two years, all you knew was that there were just some things that were better left unsaid, and you were okay with that, you could understand that.
Steve Harrington was something that you could understand.
It started slowly, Monday morning after the incident Billy pulled up to your house in the morning only to see you getting into Steve’s car, smiling lightly as Dustin pouted in the backseat. Billy felt a pang in his chest but ignored it, figuring that all of this would blow over in a week, you loved him after all, and he did love you.
Steve Harrington drove you to school for the rest of that week, and the weeks following, weeks turned into months, and it was March. Three months since the incident and Billy never failed to loop around your block, just in case. Still in denial.
On the other hand, you had never felt better in your entire life. Steve was a breath of fresh air after breathing in smoke for so long. He had a special mixtape to sing along to on your morning commutes together, he would bring you coffee some mornings, and every day he would greet you with a bright smile and a,
“Good morning love.” There it was. You smiled at Steve, getting into his passenger seat. Billy had seen you smile before, but never like this, you smiled with your eyes.
“Gross” whined Dustin, “Get a room, and drive me to school already.” Steve chuckled and rolled his eyes,
“Aye aye captain.”
“Another party?”
“Yeah, I know you don’t like them,” you sat on Steve’s bed staring at the ceiling, “But I promised that I’d go and I don’t want to leave my best girl alone on a Friday night.”
“Not your girl Steve,” you giggle and Steve smiles and rolls his eyes making his way over to look you in the eyes,
“And I promise that I will not leave your side.”
Take me where the music ain't too loud
Trade drinks, but you don't even know her
Save me 'till the party is over
Kiss me in the seat of your Rover
Real sweet, but I wish you were sober
He didn’t. Steve Harrington didn’t leave your side the whole night. Regardless, you let him do his thing, zoning out and following him around like a lost puppy dog. Billy watched from a corner of the party, you and Steve seemed to be getting on nicely. Billy wished that he could say that he was happy that you were happy, he had always wished he could be someone like that, but he couldn’t. He downed his eighth drink of the night as he followed you with his eyes and all he could feel was hurt.
“(y/n)?” Steve had pulled you into a quieter part of the house,
“Steve.” you smiled up at him, wondering why the sudden shift in attitude,
“(y/n),” Steve took a deep breath looking you in the eye, “I need to tell you something. It’s really important and I’ve been meaning to say it for a while so, here it goes...I love you.”
Your chest squeezed before you masked your feelings, giggling and rolling your eyes at him,
“You’re drunk Steve.”
“Completely sober actually.” You met Steve’s eyes again,
“Are you for real?”
“Completely and one hundred percent real.”
“Well Steve, I love you too.” Steve smiled at you before leaning down to kiss you. His lips were soft and they tasted like cherry chapstick and rain.
Sober.
a/n i hope you liked it! thank you for reading! please reblog and like if you enjoyed! should i make a part two?
#stranger things#stranger things x reader#stranger things fanfic#fanfic#x reader#billy hargrove#billy hargrove x reader#steve harrington#steve harrington x reader#joe keery#joe keery x reader#dacre montgomery#dacre montgomery x reader#el#eleven#jane hopper#hopper#billy hargrove x reader x steve harrington#steve harrington imagine#billy hargrove imagine
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