#so happy and proud he's been having these opportunities to show how good and valuable he is to this team

[martyrbat]

alexa play gary come home :((

#pens lb #i miss him.... #i know playing a goalie while hes hot is a thing. i know that. but whats the long-term plan here? you're going to have #ned still increasing his chances of injuries and fatigue AND a goalie who hasnt played in weeks #its unfair to ned and its setting jarry up to be a scrapgoat in important games #like im not a big fan of the bruins but theyve been doing the right thing in actually alternating their goalies every other game #so the other gets to rest while staying sharp and they're both well experienced. #jarry has 6!!!! shutouts!!!! and thats while being the goalie for the fucking pittsburgh penguins! #you KNOW he can play. you know hes good. why are you purposely setting him up to fail. #and ned has been wonderful! i was so nervous he was going to be traded after not being played for a good bit. i love my eyebrows boy and am #so happy and proud he's been having these opportunities to show how good and valuable he is to this team #but overworking him to such an extent is (once again) setting him up to fail just as much as its setting jarry up to be that scrapegoat #mike sullivan i am shaking you by the shoulders demanding to know what the fuck has been up with these lineups lately

[shcherbatskya]

A case in suburbia, domestic dynamics, and a forever home. What could go wrong?

the moment i’ve been waiting for! chapter one is up now! read here or under the cut.

Cas and Dean were searching for a forever house. They had been pretty much since Cas got back from the empty. They were ready to distance themselves from hunting. Dean had always wanted a sort of suburban, white picket fence life, even if he didn’t admit it to anyone. And since he already admitted how he truly felt to Cas, why not throw his need for a domestic lifestyle into the mix. Cas was all for it. Ever since Jack had given up most of his powers to Amara, thus causing her to take his place as God and him almost human, Cas had been hoping for a place to raise him like a normal child. The bunker was great for hunting and a place for Cas, Dean, and Sam, but not so much for raising a 5-year-old kid.

House hunting had been a burden to bear, but they were making out alright. Up till this, they’d looked at about 3 other houses. They were all a no for different reasons. The first one Cas decided was in a school district that wouldn’t be good for Jack, the second didn’t have a big enough garage or backyard, and the third didn’t have enough bedrooms for all of their family to stay. With the whole credit card scam they’d been running for as long as they remember, budget wasn’t really a problem, but they didn’t want something extravagant.

There it was, 538 Chapel Street in Pine River Crossings. It wasn’t too far out of Lawrence, only a few hours' drive, and all the houses looked nice. Very cookie cutter, but that was sort of the appeal. They couldn’t guarantee that they would fit in with the traditional, upper middle-class people, but what the hell, if they could kill god they could take suburbia.

A few days passed, and they were set up to look at the home. They drove the hour and a half to the next medium-sized town with the belief in their minds that this was the one. It had all they needed, a two-car garage, a respectable school district, and two guest bedrooms. They were so caught up in this concept they made the mistake of not checking the news for the nearby areas. Once they arrived, a realtor who showed them around the dwelling greeted them. It was all they could ask for and more practically too good to be true, especially for people like them. The actual presentation of the house went over without too many problems. The person exhibiting the residence commented on how it had been on display for almost a month now, which was the first red flag. A house as nice as this, in a densely populated area, would usually not be on the market for that long in weeks unless there was some hidden con.

They signed on it not a day after seeing the house in person. It was all set up and they could officially start moving stuff in the next week. They officially shared the good news with everyone the day after they signed. Sam was beyond happy for them. Not only would he finally have a space to himself, he was proud of his brother for living the life he’d always wanted. Jack was thrilled that he would get to go to actual school and have friends that were his age and not cosmic entities. In the meantime, Cas did more research into the neighborhood. There was their hidden con. The newspaper Cas had pulled up on his phone said, “Local Couple Murdered in Own Home.”

“Dean, look at this.”

Okay, that was a setback. A murderer on the loose in the neighborhood they were moving into was not exactly what he had planned, but he had delt with worse. “Alright, that could be a problem.”

“I think it’s a little bigger than a problem,” Cas retorted.

“Is it our type of thing or just something local law enforcement could deal with?”

Cas read on in the article, “the couple was stabbed, there was no sign of forced entry, neighbors reported nothing amiss besides lights flickering before the murder. The weapon, as well as the perpetrator, was never found. No official suspects have been labeled, everyone has seemed to have an alibi.”

“It definitely sounds like our thing. Lights flickering, no breaking and entering, and all.”

They decided they could pose as residents, as it seemed perfectly normal for the newcomers to be concerned about the literal murderer on the loose. Since Cas was newly human, and Jack was, well, 5, Dean thought they might need outside help. Being out of practice to spend more time with your husband and child really had its fallbacks. Sam was off the table as backup. He was out of town and Dean didn't want to interrupt his first weekend without him in god knows how long. Plus, they needed someone who wouldn't draw too much attention to their family dynamic.

“Hey, Cas, what do you think about calling in Claire to help us with this one? You think she’d do it?”

“Calling her in for help is a good idea, whether or not shed actually do it is another question.”

“I’ll call and ask, and if she wants to help, and if not then I can think of something else.”

He kept his promise and called Claire not an hour later. He decided it might be best not to tell her it was undercover work, or that it was taking place in a white picket fence neighborhood, as that might turn her off from it almost immediately.

“Hey Claire, its been too long since we’ve talked,” he started.

“Hi Dean. what do you want, there’s no way you’re just calling to catch up if you’re starting with ‘its been too long.’”

“You got me there. I was just wondering if you wanted to come with me and Cas on a hunt. Its not too far from the bunker and we’d have you back home in a week.”

“Sure, that works. When do we start?” She hadnt seen Dean and Cas since they rescued Cas. That was over a month ago, she’d been meaning to visit, but she’d been so busy with hunting, and getting to know Kaia again now that she was finally back. This seemed like a perfect opportunity to reconnect and not miss out on anything too big back at home.

“If you could come down here by Wednesday, that’d be great.”

“Sounds good. I’ll see you then.” She was tempted to sign off with an ‘I love you’ but she was never a lovey-dovey person in that way.

On tuesday she promised Jody she’d be extra careful and would be back in under a week. Kaia told her to make sure to call every day and update her on what was happening. Claire agreed, promising to keep in touch. She spent the rest of the day driving down to Kansas.

Back on Dean and Cas’s end, they were trying to get the house set up for 4 people when they had no furniture prior to this. Cas had always loved furniture shopping even before he had a use for it. When he worked at the Gas-and-Sip, he would browse the home improvement magazines in his spare time. Dean was pretty much the opposite. He had never had reason to care for it, so he didn't. Maybe his hatred for Swedish furniture was rooted in his deep-seated commitment issues. It didn't matter much why he hated it, he just left most of the choices up to Cas. there was then the issue of appliances and such you couldn't find in a furniture store. That was left up to him. Cas sent him out to Walmart to get things for the kitchen. That was something he could do. He picked out a mixer, some silverware, and a pioneer woman kitchenware set. It came with pots and pans, mixing bowls, and a few normal sized plates. That was enough for him to consider it an absolute steal. He brought his finds home to the bunker, setting them on the table designated for things that were to go in the new house. Jack was sitting on Cas’s lap, pointing at things on the computer.

“What’re you guys finding?” Dean asked, hovering behind Cas’s shoulder.

“Djungelskog!” Jack exclaimed, showing Dean a photo of a large stuffed brown bear.

“I thought you were looking for furniture?” Dean directed the question more at Cas, but he was still looking at Jack.

“We are. Jack just got us a bit sidetracked. We found the majority of what we need. Among other things not of as grave importance.”

Dean looked over the shopping cart and then gave the go ahead. Not before adding the stuffed bear to the cart, though.

The next day Claire arrived. Everyone was thrilled to see her. Jack ran up and threw himself around one of her legs and Cas gave her an awkward dad side hug. Dean wondered when he would tell her what the hunt would actually consist of, but he didn't want to interrupt the moment.

A few hours later, Dean fixed everyone a real dinner and had them sit down at the kitchen table. The realization dawned on him that this was going to be his last sit down meal officially living in the bunker. Everyone sort of just sat in silence for a beat. Perhaps reflecting on their own lasts of officially living there. “Claire, I sorta forgot to add this when I called you, but the case is a lot of undercover work. Also its in a suburban area.”

“And why didn't you tell me this sooner?”

“Well to speak freely, I wanted you on this case and I was worried it would make you not want to come.”

“It almost does, but i'm already here now, and i wouldn't want to waste a days driving on something i'm not actually going to do.” She guessed this would probably take longer than a week. “And i'm guessing this isn't just something you decided to do out of the goodness of your hearts?”

“We bought a house in the area, and we just wanted to make sure it was safe,” Cas explained.

“Hang on, you bought a house for real and you didnt even think to tell me? You didn't think that that was valuable information?”

“It didn't come up in our phone call,” Dean said.

“And? That’s no excuse to leave your daughter out of major life events!” The ‘daughter’ part just sort of came out without her noticing, but seconds after she said it she regretted it. God, how embarrassing.

“You’re right. We should’ve told you sooner. It was kind of a recent decision, though, so you haven’t been out of the loop for too long,” Cas said.

The next day was moving day. Dean loaded the appliances into the back of Claire’s car, since the back of the Impala was already full. Claire took her own car, while Dean, Cas, and Jack rode in Baby. Their real furniture was being delivered as they spoke. Cas offered to ride with Claire, but she assured him she’d be fine by herself. The drive wasn’t even that long, especially compared to the distance she drove yesterday.

Dean was silently nervous. He wouldn’t admit it out loud but it was written all over his face. His first real stable house, with the man he loved, and his two kids, he could only hope that he didn’t mess it up. Cas put a hand on his shoulder showing he saw how Dean was feeling.

They turned onto Chapel Street and pulled up into the driveway of the house. It somehow looked bigger and more daunting than it had during the walkthrough. Claire arrived almost ten minutes later. Everyone just sort of paused in front of the house for a minute, reveling in the stability most of them had never had.

#pspspsps you want to reblog my hard work sooo bad #supernatural #spn #castiel #dean winchester #supernatural fic #samael speaks #sammy sires

[leileisa]

hold on [ kuroo tetsurō x reader ] [ soulmate! au ]

   ⌙ kuroo has been against love since the very beginning, but maybe you can give him something to hold onto.

when you love someone, and they break your heart   don’t give up on love, have faith restart

part of the love is on it’s way series [masterlist]

word count: 2.2k

genre: fluff? kinda? maybe a little angst

warnings: timeskip spoilers, arguments

ever since he was young, kuroo has had multiple interactions with lady luck.

but he knows that she’s not picking on him for every single thing he does, because he’s had one too many valuable experiences throughout his life that, when he looks back on, makes a soft smile break out on his face in content. he’s well aware that lady luck has been especially kind with his friendships- he’s so thankful for every single person in his life, but he’d be caught dead before being sentimental to their faces. she’s also been generous with his success and his smarts, and while he knows that he worked hard in school, opportunities like his didn’t come out of thin air.

kuroo tetsurō knows that he’s living a life that others would kill to have, and he’s appreciative of his good luck; he wouldn’t change the opportunities that he was given for anything. but with all the good that lady luck has given him, he can’t help but bear the overwhelming weight of hating the one thing that others hold so dear to their heart, the thing that clutches the hearts of everyone around him so tightly and refuses to let go.

he thinks that people who believe in love- in their soulmates, specifically- are foolish. not stupid, or dumb, just unaware of the deceitful illusion that was marred onto their skin that they believe to be their ‘one, true person’. they’re fools because they haven’t seen what love can do to people. it’s destructive, dangerous, an unstable hallucination that people cling to on the belief that it’ll make them happy, and it’ll satisfy their need to be loved. their expectations of love blind them from the reality of a fabricated assurance that was never actually promised to them- just idealized in order to create a society that was dead set on believing.

but believing wasn’t enough, not whenever you’re a product of a  mother and father who separated because their love for each other had crashed and faded away into nothing-ness. it was obvious, after a short period of time, that they were tired of pretending; the fighting, the screaming, and sometimes even short bouts of violence that haunted his childhood. he remembers crying himself to sleep nearly every night.

kuroo despises that people can love blindly. he doesn’t see a reason why a phrase that magically appears once you turn eighteen should determine who you’re supposed to fall in love with. he used to argue that he hated soulmates because there was no scientific reason behind them, that it was almost impossible for the universe to have a perfect match for everyone, but even his science-obsessed self couldn’t put it off for so long (he got tired of saying “magic isn’t real, so why are soulmates?”). so he decided that his person would be a person he chooses, not someone that was picked out for him.

but after numerous arguments with his friends, he stopped bringing it up. nobody besides kenma, his best friend, knew why he was so against soulmates, and he wanted it to stay that way.

when he turned eighteen, kuroo can’t say that he wasn’t a little bit excited to see his tattoo, his tattoo that would show what the first thing his ‘soulmate’ was going to say to him. it was like a mystery game; was it going to be something funny, a witty pick-up line, maybe? or was it going to be an apology- maybe you two bumped into each other on accident. the possibilities were endless, and it was exciting to see what would be on his skin forever. but there was no way that he believed in soulmates, or that this person would be his person forever.

but when his tattoo finally showed up, at the ass crack of dawn on his birthday, right on the inside of his pinky finger (which was really weird, because he’s never seen that on any of his seniors, ever), he knew that lady luck was on his side.

‘sorry, but no.’

it was almost ironic- actually, it was totally ironic, that the first things his soulmate would say to him was something so bland and boring. it actually gave him a sense of relief, knowing that the first thing that this person would say to him is a dismissive apology, and it only fueled his distain for soulmates even more.

the satisfaction that he got eventually led to him forgetting about his mark, and it helped him focus on his future. in a way, he was thankful for his soulmate for his tremendous success.

it helped him live more freely, to live without restraint, when he talked to people. it was almost impossible to completely avoid the topic of soulmates, but he didn’t care. he wasn’t worried about what others thought of him, because it was his life. he lived it however he wanted. and if there was anything that his mark told him, it was that his soulmate wasn’t interested in him either.

kuroo was incredibly charismatic, and he knew how to keep a conversation. he knew of so many things, old and new, that kept everyone he was talking to on his toes. he flirted endlessly with people, and it didn’t hurt his feelings when someone turned him down. he knew how people were fully committed to a person they had yet to meet, or had already fallen in love with. he respected other people’s decision, because he knew what is was like when people disrespected his.

but lady luck had a twisted sense of humor.

it was just supposed to be a get together with his friend, bokuto. catching up, he called it, after months of being busy with their adult lives. the two sat at a fancy restaurant (past them would never believe that they’d be successful enough to spend this much money on food), dressed head to toe in suits that made the middle-class drool with envy.

“still not feelin’ the whole soulmate thing, huh?” bokuto asked, closing the menu. there was so many options it was overwhelming, but he knew what he wanted (he wasn’t the type to explore his tastebuds).

“don’t think i ever will,” kuroo replied, meeting bokuto’s teasing eye contact.

“that’s so funny,” the professional volleyball player said. kuroo was proud that one of his closest friends got so far with  his passion, but who in their right mind would let an overgrown child on the court?

“how so?” he prompted.

bokuto grinned, leaning onto the table. he was cautious not to knock over the expensive alcohol. “i met someone the other day,” he said; kuroo groaned, and he awaited for an upcoming tale of what he assumed to be bokuto’s soulmate encounter, but was instead met with: “who has the same feeling about soulmates that you do.”

“oh really?” kuroo had met a select few who had the same thought process as him. well, theirs more steered on the ‘how can a soul be split in two’ while his was more like ‘i’ve seen how faulty soulmates can be’.

“yup,” bokuto said, popping the ‘p’, "you guys should talk!"

"i think i'm okay," kuroo responded, taking a delicate sip of his whiskey. it stung as it went down, but what's to enjoy in life if there's little pain?

"no, seriously," bokuto stated, getting his phone out of his coat pocket. "you guys should talk. you two have a lot in common."

the noirette rolled his eyes, leaning back in the cushioned chair. "how so?"

"you guys both can't get a date." bokuto grinned, holding the phone up to his ear, “let's see if she picks up."

"haha," kuroo said, voice monotone, "very funny." he was a little ticked that bokuto was calling a girl during thier friend-date, but once bokuto had his mind set on something, trying to get him to stop was impossible.

he saw bokuto’s eyes gleam with mischief when the ringing stopped, and kuroo thought he heard a “what do you want?” coming from the other end.

“you know how you talked about never being able to get a date?” bokuto asked. he didn’t wait for your response before he handed the phone to kuroo with an overly eager nod.

“sorry, but no.”

kuroo’s throat went dry as his mind instantly raced to the words that were tattooed on his the inside of his smallest finger. suddenly, he’s anxious. his heart stops, and his hands are starting to get sweaty. he doesn’t know what to say-

“i’m not going on a date with you, bo.”

it doesn’t make sense, kuroo thinks. you weren’t talking to him, you didn’t know he was the one who had his phone to his ear, so how- just how were those the same words that were supposed help him find his other half?

the lack of response obviously confused you, and he heard a small ‘bo?’ from the other side of the phone. he couldn’t help it, he told himself, that he thought your voice sounded beautiful. you were supposed to be perfect to him, but there’s no way that you were actually meant for him. so with a wary glance towards his friend, kuroo got himself together.

“well, that’s just not nice.” he said. he’s surprised he didn’t stutter, with how his heart was still racing. maybe it’s the faint amount of alcohol in his veins that provided little comfort, but he’d take what he could get.

for a moment, kuroo is afraid. he’s afraid you’ll hang up on him, because if bokuto said you two have the same view on soulmates, he feels like you’d run away. not because you’re scared of the commitment, but because you know what being a soulmate entails. he knows that the most frightening thing to him is being forced to love someone, and the endless possibilities that could follow. he’s afraid because he doesn’t know the outcome, and he assumes you feel the same way. he tells himself that it doesn’t mean anything if you hang up.

but you stutter for a second, at a loss for words, just like he was. there’s silence on your side, and he knows you figured out that you’re supposed to be meant for each other. he waits for it, the monotonous beeping to show that you’ve ended the call, but-

“have you met bo?” you ask, voice quiet. “he’s-“

“a lot,” kuroo finishes, and he knows that he’s done for.

he’s lived his whole life telling himself that the connection and relief you feel when you meet your soulmate isn’t real. he rejected the thought of soulmates since he was little. but even he can’t ignore the feeling of his swelling heart as a smile breaks across his face. it’s an overwhelming sense of comfort that flows through his body, and he can’t do anything to dwell the overall pleasantness that he feels inside from just talking to you.

you, his soulmate, the person he told himself he was never going to give a fading chance because there's no way that he'd love someone just because the universe told him to. you, his soulmate, the person that he wants to hate so much because he doesn't believe in a love that's set in stone for him. you, his soulmate, the person that he didn't choose.

“yeah, a lot,” you agree, and he hears you let out a small chuckle- it’s a blessing to his ears, “and ugly.”

kuroo laughs, because that’s definitely not how anyone would describe the professional volleyball player, and he knows you say it in jest.

“you wouldn’t go on a date with him because he’s ugly?” he asks, saying it loud and clear for bokuto to hear. his friend lets out a loud ‘hey!’, loud enough for you to hear, and his suspicions are only confirmed when he hears you let out a snicker. the conversation is cut short when the phone is snatched out of his hands, and kuroo laughs again as bokuto hangs up the call after telling you ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’

"i'll send you her number," bokuto says with a pout on his face. and kuroo can't wait. once he feels the vibration of a notification that bokuto did, in fact, send your contact to him. he doesn't hesitate to send you a quick text.

[kuroo tetsurō to you]      would you go on a date with me?

he curses lady luck. he's mad that, within a span of less than two minutes, he might change his mind on soulmates. he's scared because he knows that, if he goes along with what fate has in store for him, he might get hurt. he can't lie and say that your voice wasn't magic to his ears, and that he can't wait to hear it again, but he has to pace himself. if he throws all the caution that his past has given him, he's can't help but think that his parents divorce would have taught him nothing.

but it was so easy to talk to you, even if it was to make fun of your mutual friend. even as bokuto's pouting at him from across the table, kuroo can't fight the grin that's been on his face for the past few minutes.

[you to kuroo tetsurō]      idk, are you ugly too?

kuroo just hopes that you're both willing to give this whole soulmates thing a chance.

taglist: @noya-sleftankle​, @crayonwriting​, @aonenthusiast​ (there was one more ask that i forgot to save the name of! im so sorry ☹︎ )

►send an ask/dm me to be added to the taglist!

#kuroo tetsuro x reader #kuroo x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikuuu #haikyuu soulmate au #soulmate! kuroo tetsuro #soulmate! kuroo tetsuro x reader

[sokkastyles]

Iroh: Zuko, you must let go of your feelings of shame if you want your anger to go away.

Zuko: But I don't feel any shame at all. I'm as proud as ever.

Iroh: Prince Zuko, pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame.

Another important aspect of Zuko letting go of his shame by letting go of his pride is learning to not take himself so seriously. In “The Firebending Masters,” Zuko says that he doesn’t want to rely on anger anymore, but we do see him still struggling with his anger at various points. When he’s embarrassed by his loss of his firebending at the beginning of the episode, he takes his anger out on himself and the others.

...Which he shouldn’t do, but it also was probably incredibly hard for him to admit that he’d lost the most valuable thing he had to offer them and subject himself to their ridicule, particularly from Katara and Sokka, who both take the opportunity to mock him because neither of them are happy about him joining the group at this point.

Realizing that he doesn’t want to rely on anger is the first step towards letting go of those feelings of shame which developed because of how he was treated by his family, but I think it was particularly difficult in this episode because of how his firebending was a huge source of shame for him. He probably thought that once he joined the gaang he would no longer feel the kind of pressure he felt under his father, but it’s still something he has to struggle with because that kind of trauma doesn’t just go away.

And although he doesn’t take seriously Aang’s advice about having a more positive attitude, he does develop a more positive outlook in this episode which is literally symbolized by finding a new source for his firebending.

The experience at the Sun Warrior temple is also incredibly humbling, as Zuko and Aang have to face the dragons, not knowing if they will be burnt to a crisp. Considering Zuko’s history with being burned, willingly subjecting himself to this is especially humbling, sort of like an immersion therapy.

The theme of not taking oneself too seriously is a repeated theme of the show that is present in many characters’ storylines. One of the things that makes Aang a heroic character is that he doesn’t take himself too seriously. Although Aang does have to deal with his fear of fire in this episode, he feels no embarrassment about “dancing” with Zuko, who has to be convinced, and the show plays up the inherent silliness of it despite the awesome power of the dragons.

Aang: With this technique the dragons showed us, Zuko and I will be unstoppable.   Sokka: Yeah, that's a great dance you two learned there.

Zuko: It's not a dance. It's a firebending form.

Zuko reacts with anger that Sokka isn’t taking it seriously, and thus he’s forced to eat his own words.

Sokka: We'll just tap-dance our way to victory over the Fire Lord.

Zuko: It's a sacred form that happens to be thousands of years old!

Katara: Oh, yeah‌? What's your little form called‌?

Zuko: The Dancing Dragon.

Zuko is very embarrassed at being laughed at here and pretty much brought it on himself, but by the beginning of the next episode he has learned to let go a little bit, even trying to make a joke himself, but he forgets most of Uncle’s tea joke, so of course he ends up being laughed at again. And you can see him reacting again with embarrassment, and it kind of looks like he’s deciding whether he should be angry or upset about them laughing at him, but it quickly dissipates as he realizes that they aren’t laughing at him out of malice.

Here we see that Zuko’s anger is not only something he learned to fuel his firebending, it’s a defense mechanism. For someone who has been abused in the way Zuko has, anger is a way to mask painful emotions, and Zuko often uses anger to mask his feelings of failure. We also see Azula mock him repeatedly throughout the series and provoke him to anger, and we see how afraid he is of showing anything that could be perceived as a weakness in front of his father. So once he’s with the gaang, he’s not sure how to react to the good-natured ribbing that actually means that he is part of their group now. I’ve said before that in this scene at the beginning of “The Boiling Rock,” even Katara’s sarcastic comment isn’t voice-acted to be mean-spirited, even though she’s still angry at Zuko. It comes across more like the kind of teasing she would do to Sokka or any of the group. And Zuko realizes that he doesn’t have to put his guard up anymore, that these people aren’t being mean and they aren’t going to use something like Zuko forgetting a joke against him. There’s a clear progression here with Zuko learning not to take himself so seriously, and by the beginning of “The Southern Raiders,” he’s actually making his own jokes.

Aang: Wow, camping ... it really seems like old times again, doesn't it?

Zuko: If you really want it to feel like old times, I could, uh ... chase you around a while and try to capture you.

I love how he’s hesitant, like he’s not sure whether the joke will land. And that’s not illogical, because it wasn’t that long ago that he was chasing them around and trying to capture them. But the fact that they do laugh shows how comfortable they are with him now and how they’ve accepted him into the group (except Katara at this point). It also shows how far Zuko has come, from being ashamed of his past to actually making jokes about it. His joke also lands better this time because it’s his own joke rather than one of Iroh’s which he’s trying to copy.

In the next episode, “Ember Island Players,” he still gets angry at Katara for making a joke at his expense and still reacts with embarrassment, especially when confronted with the sins of his past, but he’s slowly learning to be more comfortable with himself and let go. And I think that’s an important lesson because Zuko definitely had to forgive himself before he could accept the forgiveness of others, not just for the things he did wrong but for the things that he was convinced for so long that he had done wrong, and for the shame that was a part of him for so long because his father convinced him that there was something inherently wrong with him.

#zuko #atla meta #iroh #aang #sokka #katara #bitter work #the firebending masters #the boiling rock #the southern raiders #ember island players

[nct-oli]

I am very confident this story will have a happy ending, not only doing Phutian justice but also Phupha and Tian individually too.

Here’s why.

(Note: I still have not opened the tags at all or read any other thoughts about this episode. I wanted to get all of my own thoughts written out for my own sake before I added anyone else’s to my brain. Thus, if anyone has written a similar post to this, I promise I did not read it!! These are thoughts straight from my own mind.)

My biggest wish this entire series has been that Tian would come to forgive himself. Even if he didn’t end up with Phupha and didn’t stay in the village, I wanted him to come to recognize his own value and his own abilities and to finally let go of the guilt that had been eating away at him for months. To me, that was the most important thing and the lesson that has been set up for the entirety of this show.

And in this post right here from after episode 7, I wrote about how I believed this story had to end with him finding peace with himself and acknowledging his self worth. For the most part, that has been how the story has progressed, and I full-heartedly believe that is how it will end.

So let’s look at where the story is after episode 9. Things are... still a bit messy. Tian is leaving. His relationship with Phupha is on the line. The children are losing another beloved teacher. And once again, Tian feels like his life is being controlled for him.

It seems Tian has always felt like he was suffocating. He has said many times that he never felt a sense of pride in himself because he never knew what he was capable of. Everything was done for him, and every decision was made without his input.

I want to add that I appreciated Tian saying to his father that he wasn’t denying that having a comfortable life is everyone’s goal. He wasn’t discrediting the things that his comfortable life afforded him. But he also knew that he hadn’t done most things for himself and in many ways wasn’t even able to do them for himself, and then after the surgery, he wasn’t able to do anything for himself. And that wasn’t the life that he wanted.

I imagine too there were a lot of pressures and expectations at home for Tian to continue the family name and follow in his father’s footsteps in some way. Maybe not career-wise but to continue making the family proud. To carry on the legacy in one way or another and to inherit the life his father created for him.

And if we really dig deeper into his life, it seems nearly everyone has thoughts about his life and how it should be. Not just his parents and his doctors but even his friends. When he went to meet them post-surgery, they started making comments about how it must be weird to have someone else’s heart and asking if he wanted to know who gave him the heart. They were putting pressures on him about how to feel and think about this really difficult situation he was in, and he got overwhelmed.

Even Tul, who we absolutely adore, came to visit Tian and immediately started discrediting his happiness in the village. He told him it wasn’t his real life, questioned how he could survive without electricity and internet, and didn’t believe him when he said he was really happy in the village. Of course, Tul also fully validated his sexuality and supported him staying in the village (bless him), but we can’t deny the fact that even he had his own opinions about what Tian’s life should and should not have looked like.

I imagine growing up the way he did, at some point, Tian probably just accepted the lack of control he had over himself. Him giving up would have only enabled everyone to continue involving themselves in his life, and thus an unfortunate cycle would have been created.

And then when he got sick, that spiraled even further. Not only did he have people controlling his life but he had this illness that could literally take his life at any point.

And then of course, post-transplant, there is the pressure of Torfun and his own guilt. This entire show, Tian has been battling with himself about his own happiness, because at the end of the day, though he was learning about his own abilities and finding pride in himself, I also think he was always questioning the validity of everything. He was constantly at war with himself about what was and wasn’t his, what he did and did not deserve, etc. He was making decisions for Torfun and struggled to separate himself from her time and time again.

But at the same time, he felt freedom in the village he had never felt before. For the first time, he felt like he was making his own choices. Yes, most made also for Torfun, but arguably he still felt he was able to make the decision on his own about whether or not to help Torfun.

The longer he was in the village, the more his guilt grew. He even said that himself, that the more comfortable he got in the village, the harder it was to keep that secret.

But simultaneously, the longer he was in the village, the more he could picture staying there: with Phupha, with the kids, and with the forest. I think by the time Phupha got shot, he was prepared to extend his time there (despite the back and forth feeling that he was putting the village in danger by staying). He was happy, and he wanted to hold onto that happy life.

Then when things were looking up again, Phupha healing and safe, Tian found out his father had always been pulling the strings behind the scenes. The freedom he thought he had was a facade. And not only that, but he felt that Phupha’s love was a facade too, bought by his parent’s money or power. This life that he thought he had suddenly felt fake, and the sense of control over his own choices he thought he had disappeared.

Once again, he felt powerless. And on top of that, betrayed.

I wrote a whole thinkpiece here about why I understand Phupha’s decisions and why I believe he was acting in character in episode 9. While he was in the wrong with how he was handling everything, his intentions were good, made from a place of genuine love for Tian.

But now Tian wants the village. He wants this life, and he knows it. But everyone around him is verbally doubting his reasons and his abilities to do so, and GOD, he’s so frustrated. For once he knows what he wants for himself, and everyone is pushing him away from it.

We all know Tian’s parents think they understand his future best. I actually felt it was rather ironic when Tian’s father told Phupha that he knew his son well, while in the same breath, told Phupha (the man his son is in love with) to make Tian leave the first place he felt truly himself. He knows nothing about his son and continues to not hear or see Tian when he tries to make him understand. So his parents trying to force him into a life he doesn’t want is no surprise.

But then here is Phupha with his genuinely good intentions forcing Tian out too because he does not see the way he is contradicting himself. He tells Tian to live for himself but does not give Tian the option to stay for himself. (Again, I wrote a lot about Phupha in this post that I’m not going to repeat here, but I’m using the logic I explained there when talking about Phupha here. So if you’re curious about why I am not overly angry with Phupha, read that.)

I think it’s really important that in more recent episodes, we’ve heard Tian start acknowledging his own capabilities and growth. He finally began to see his value, and the lessons he has been learning are starting to really solidify for him. He’s genuinely beginning to understand what this whole journey has taught him.

Unfortunately though, he was always making his decisions ultimately for Torfun. Or at least, in his own mind, repaying Torfun for this new life was always the motivation. As I said earlier, he was in this constant battle between his own happiness and the duty he felt toward Torfun.

But now... he’s finally closing that chapter with Torfun. He told his secrets. He gained forgiveness from the village. He heard Phupha tell him to live his own life.

And he’s learning to forgive himself.

So now as he’s entering a new stage of freedom, away from the grip his own guilt had on him, he’s faced with a new challenge. He’s faced with people who love him once again thinking they know best for his life. As he’s exiting one chapter, he’s entering a new one, and this one won’t come easily. But he’s entering this one better prepared after all of the lessons he learned about his own strength and capabilities, and all of the happiness he found in himself... this is the moment for him to make use of the new knowledge and feelings he has gained. This is his peak, his opportunity to finally choose himself and pick the life he wants.

For himself. Just as Phupha told him he should do.

This is the test to see if he finally grasps how valuable he is as Tian. This entire show has been about him finding his own worth outside of Torfun, outside of his parents, outside of his friends, and even outside of the village and Phupha. Just the worth that he carries with him always, as Tian.

This will also be a lesson for Phupha, that sometimes our desire to protect the people we love can hurt them and ourselves. That we have to give people the option to make mistakes. That despite him believing he’s helping Tian, he isn’t, and sometimes he doesn’t need to be so self-sacrificing to take care of the people in his life.

Tian has been controlled by guilt, fear, sadness, anxiety, depression, physical illness, disability, medication, doctor’s orders, and money, plus all of the people in his life who thought they were helping him. But after everything he has been through, this is his moment to take control back. And I believe he will. I absolutely think that is the conclusion this story has been setting up from the very beginning.

Tian may return to Bangkok, but I believe it will be temporary. I expect he’ll get there and find himself so homesick for the village that he won’t be able to stand it. And when he returns to the Pha Pun Dao, it will be because he chose it for himself. Not for anyone else.

On his own terms.

And that will be the moment he recognizes just how immeasurable his self growth has been.

-------------------------------------

If I end up being wrong......... you never saw this post.

But I would be genuinely shocked if this is not where the story is going (or at least to some degree), because they set it up so beautifully to end up this way. In fact, I predicted generally that this was the moral of the story way back at the beginning of the show, and it has continued to move in that direction since. So if this isn’t the conclusion to Tian’s story, I’ll be highly disappointed that all of the lessons they set up for him (as well as for Phupha and the others) were thrown away after all of the build up. 

They’ve added all but that final puzzle piece, and I’d be really shocked if they left the picture unfinished.

(This was much messier than I intended, but I really struggled to put all of my random thoughts into one coherent post. So I hope this made even a tiny bit of sense.)

#phutian #phupha x tian #a tale of thousand stars #atots #1000 stars #i'm not sure this is really encompassing what I wanted to say #i've had a lot of random thoughts about it but haven't been able to properly put them all together #but i tried #i have a lot of faith in this show #i genuinely do and i'm excited to see how they conclude what i believe to be one of the most beautiful stories i have ever watched

[fuckingfinwions]

#3 russingon au? 👀👀👀

(from this)

Prince Fingon is about to come of age.

Feanor is a blacksmith (not anyone related to the king) in the small town of Formenos.

A royal messenger comes to the town to look over all the unmarried boys of appropriate age range as a potential private companion for the prince.

Maedhros, Maglor, and Celegorm are all about the right age, though Celegorm is on the young end and deliberately sabotages his chances because a palace sounds stuffy.

The messenger looks everyone over and asks some questions. Maedhros and a couple of the others also get asked if they have all their teeth, if they ever had the pox and if it scarred. Then the messenger rides away and that’s it for a while.

They don’t forget about it, because Feanor rants at dinner about how the royals do nothing and steal the work of honest men in taxes and now want to steal their children, but it’s not on the top of anyone’s mind.

There’s a lot of boys in the village, and though Maedhros is aware that he’s the handsomest of them, there’s a lot of villages in the kingdom.

It’s a month later when the messenger comes back, this time knocking on Feanor’s front door.

Maedhros is to go to the capital city and meet Crown Prince Fingolfin. If Fingolfin approves of him when they meet in person, Maedhros will become Prince Fingon’s private companion. If Fingolfin doesn’t approve, Maedhros will be sent back.

Maedhros kind of wishes he didn’t have to go be a glorified personal prostitute, but it’s a great opportunity. He’ll be in the capital with it’s libraries and art and people from all over. He probably won’t be allowed to talk to anyone important, but still it’s amazing.

And there’s not a whole lot keeping hm back at home. He’s competent in the forge and can make horseshoes and such, but not especially talented, and Caranthir is old enough to be a proper apprentice. He’s not dating anyone, and though he’ll miss his family he doesn’t have any very close friends

Sidenote: In the upper class, there is a very strong emphasis on heterosexual-virginity before marriage, and monogamy during marriage until you have at least three undisputed children, to ensure inheritance. In the lower class and outside the capital, it’s more common for teenagers to have bit of fun, and if you need to marry in a hurry because someone got pregnant so it goes. (This is apparently a not-elves au).

The messenger says that he’ll bring by the carriage for the journey to the capital in the morning, Maedhros can have a day to pack and say his goodbyes.

Feanor is not happy with this, even though it’s “temporary” and Maedhros will go back home once the prince marries in 5-10 years. 

Maedhros knows that pointing out that Feanor legally has to let him go will not make things better. There’s a lot of arguing, and Maedhros is able to mostly focus on what his free time might be like rather than what his new job will be.

(And Maedhros knows that if he admits he doesn’t want to go in Feanor’s hearing, Feanor will do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn’t have to. It’s nice to know his father cares, but it means he doesn’t say any of his doubts or even fully articulate them to himself.)

So in the morning Maedhros has a couple of apple crates full of his things and gets in the carriage.

He has a lot of time to think about what this will be like. Maedhros has heard that King Finwe is tall with dark hair, maybe Prince Fingon will look like that? (And should Maedhros call Prince Fingon by his title or just his name? Would it be seen as unbearably rude to forgo the title, or horrendously stilted to use it during sex?)

Maedhros has wondered what sex with another man would be like, but a reputation for it in his town would mean he might never marry and be alone forever.

Other things Maedhros knows about the royal family: all of Feanor’s anti-government rants. Fingon is the oldest prince. The cobbler two villages over traveled to the capital to visit her aunt, and said the princes were tall and had clothes woven out of silver instead of cotton.

Maedhros knows that the prince will of course be ugly and lazy, never having to work a day in his life, but someone nearly as tall as him would be nice.

“How old is Prince Fingon?”

The messenger looks at Maedhros like he’s an idiot.

“It’s two months until his seventeenth birthday. That’s why you’re here, to be his companion and be a good place for him to direct his adult urges as he comes of age.”

“I knew that, I just wasn’t sure when exactly he was considered of age.”

“The royal family doesn’t live their years any faster or slower than you do, kid.”

“I’m just not used to it being sudden. In Formenos, you don’t marry until you can support a house together, unless she gets pregnant in which case you build a cabin in one of your fathers’ yards and live off them until you’re ready.”

“The Prince is too young to marry, hence finding him someone to have fun with.”

“Of course.” Maedhros keeps quiet for the rest of the carriage ride so he doesn’t look like a complete fool. (Whether or not he wants to do this, he’s too proud to not try his best.)

They reach the capital, and there’s enough notice for Maedhros to change into his best clothes. He wore them to the festival this spring, the bright red tunic has flowers embroidered along not just the neckline most of the chest and stars on the sleeves.

Maedhros is expecting to be outclassed by Crown Prince Fingolfin, of course, but he might as well but on his best clothes.

Fingolfin is wearing a simple chain necklace made of more gold than Maedhros has ever seen in one place, even as a smith’s son. The shirt behind it isn’t embroidered, someone actually wove the cloth out of different colors of thread so it fades from an indigo near Fingolfin’s face through to a blue and then near turquoise at the hem.

Fingolfin calls Maedhros’s attire ‘rustic’ and asks him a few questions, though most of them have already been covered by the messengers.

Fingolfin then says he’ll make his decision in the next few days, there’s a temporary room for Maedhros in the servants quarters. He’ll be brought his meals, and shouldn’t go wandering (Fingon isn’t supposed to see his private companion until his birthday, it would spoil the surprise of his present.) And does Maedhros have any requests of Prince Fingolfin?

Maedhros asks if there’s a book of court etiquette he could study, either in his rooms or escorted to the library? “I know that of course I won’t take part, but as a private companion I’m supposed to be whatever Prince Fingon wants. If he wants to talk about his day sometimes, I'm sure he’d rather do so without spending hours explaining the context.”

Fingolfin asks, “So you’re not trying to learn the rules so that Fingon doesn’t punish you for misbehavior?”

“If Prince Fingon wishes to punish me for any reason, I of course will obey. But I have no desire to behave in ways he would find unpleasant.”

Fingolfin nods and waves a hand for Maedhros to leave. Maedhros does, and a few hours later one of the servants brings by a book of etiquette. It’s aged with a cracked spine, as new books are even more valuable, but it was obviously replaced in the royal library for datedness or cosmetic reasons, not readability. This copy is one the palace steward uses for reference.

There’s nothing else for Maedhros to do, so he reads it cover to cover. (He can do arithmetic too, they’re useful skills in the forge.)

Fingolfin decides on Maedhros. He’s pretty and polite and articulate, and not one of the sons of a half-dozen merchant families that are trying to get an avenue to the royal palace. Friends with the future king is nothing to sneeze at, even if it’s a degrading sort of friendship.

So the night of Prince Fingon’s seventeenth birthday, Maedhros is waiting for him. He’s dressed in a dark brown tunic that Fingolfin selected to make Maedhros’s fair skin not look washed out, and red leggings to match his hair. His hair is in one long braid, so it can just as easily be out of the way or used as a leash. He’s not wearing any underclothes, and he opened up and oiled his asshole so that Fingon can take him immediately if Fingon wants. He’s nervous, and kneels by the door to wait.

He waits rather a long time actually, and eventually concludes that it won’t be too presumptuous to sit on a stool, as long as he gets up immediately when Prince Fingon enters.

In the mean time, Maedhros thinks. They say everything in the capital city is politics. Maedhros himself would never leave a new.., acquaintance to wait by accident, especially not as a first impression. Prince Fingon is obviously setting the tone for the next several years with Maedhros. Maedhros has to be where he's told and do what he’s told, and Fingon will acknowledge him only when the prince feels like it.

Maedhros figures he’ll know more when the prince show up, if he bothers to thank Maedhros for waiting or if he’ll go straight to removing clothes.

Fingon is not actually thinking about any of this. It’s his coming of age! There’s a feast and dancing and drinking and all his friends and the whole focus of the night is on him. He knows he’s getting a private companion, but Fingolfin hasn’t given any hints about what exactly they’ll look like and Fingon has a lot of other presents right in front of him.

Fingon doesn’t worry about the hypothetical private companion’s comfort, because this is the palace, it’s got to be better than wherever the guy came from. Whoever it is can relax on a feather bed for possibly the first time ever and eat fancy food rather than plain bread, Fingon arriving a few hours earlier or later will make no difference.

Fingon is Nice, and is used to people knowing that. If everyone knows you’re a nice person, they give you the benefit of the doubt that thoughtlessness was not malice, and inattentiveness was not disrespect.

People have been telling Maedhros that Fingon is nice, but he expects they’d tell him that anyway. Everyone wants Maedhros to please Fingon after all, so they’ll frame everything the best way possible. They also say Fingon is determined, which Maedhros interprets as “never listened to the word no in his life”.

It doesn’t matter, Maedhros reminds himself, because saying no would be illegal anyway. If Fingon is the type to just push past that if Maedhros is not in the mood, it’s better than being thrown in the dungeons.

Eventually Fingon comes back to his bedroom.

#mayan sons #the only reason Feanor isn't anti-government in canon is because he is the government #clearing out my drafts #not archived yet #yes I wrote all the world building and set up and none of the two actually interacting

[d-criss-news]

There’s a scene early on in Ryan Murphy’s new Netflix period drama “Hollywood,” in which an aspiring director, played by Darren Criss, meets with Chinese-American actress Anna May Wong, played by Michelle Krusiec, to try to convince her to be in his movie. Midway through their conversation he casually mentions that he’s half-Filipino, which seems to catch her off guard. She stops, takes off her glasses to see him better, and then says, “You’re Asian?”

What follows is a conversation not only about what it means to be an Asian-American person in Hollywood, but the further consequences that come with looking like one.

Krusiec as Wong — a 1920s and ’30s Hollywood star whose studio career all but came to an end after she was passed over for the Oscar-winning adaptation of Pearl S. Buck’s “The Good Earth” in favor of a white actress in yellowface — gives Criss’ character, the fictional Raymond Ainsley, a schooling in something he, as a white-passing man, either can’t understand or refuses to believe.

“Over-sexed, opium addled courtesans, dangerously exotic far-Eastern temptresses. That’s what they wanted to see from someone who looks like me,” she says, letting him know in no uncertain terms that a movie from a half-Asian director that stars a Chinese actress will never get made.

“You’re dealing with two experiences that present different reactions. Not only internally, but externally,” Criss said in an interview with TheWrap. “Who are you to the world? How do they see you? How do you see yourself? What happens if you happen to look more like one half than the other, which one are you?”

Criss himself is half-Filipino and has in the past found himself in the unenviable position of contending with these questions as a public figure. “It’s a moving target that I’ve always kind of had to– well, I won’t say always had to. I think being in the public eye has made me think about it more than I ever have,” he said.

He first felt the full weight of that conversation a few years ago when some clumsy comments he made about his racial identity in a 2018 Vulture interview raised eyebrows online. Asked whether or not he identifies as Asian American, Criss suggested that doing so as a white-passing actor would be “unfair,” similar to “reaching for the minority card on a college application.” At the time, Criss was being lauded by critics for his performance as the half-Filipino serial killer Andrew Cunanan in Murphy’s “The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story” and just months away from making a historic runthrough awards season.

The outcry from the Filipino-American community, and the Asian-American community more broadly, was swift.

“In my mind, I was just me. My mom’s Filipino and my dad’s a white guy and that’s just kind of how it is,” Criss told TheWrap. (Indeed, in the same 2018 interview, he admitted that he had never even considered the question before he was asked.)

“You could argue, well maybe that’s because you’re white-passing and nobody ever questioned anything,” he continued. “And then I feel bad and I go, Oh god, did I somehow turn my back on my Filipino-ness? Like, at what point am I supposed to raise my hand higher for that? I don’t know the answer.”

As Krusiec put it, “It’s not an easy conversation to have,” but it’s one Asian American communities have always had to grapple with, and will continue to grapple with as their visibility in media grows. With a rising number of Asian-American stories finally getting recognition on screen, the question is no longer if Asian Americans get to be represented, but which segments of a large and diverse population get those opportunities, and why.

“As a full-blooded Taiwanese person, there came a point in my career where I realized I was not going to be as valuable as somebody who was passing as half-Asian or half-white, because they kind of look and feel less Asian,” she said. “And that’s kind of a hard thing to accept.”

The interplay between identity and perception is complex for any person, but for people of color there’s the added layer of having to exist within the context of a society defined by whiteness. “The trend you find is that when someone looks half, they’re seen as more desirable, they’re more attractive. And that’s the conversation you have with yourself, even though it feels like this really uncomfortable, icky conversation,” she said.

“It’s this thing you pick up on when you’re fully Taiwanese or fully Chinese. I look at my friends who are half, and I see them as having this great advantage over me. And at the same time, you don’t want to be thinking about these things but it just seems to be the reality.”

The flip side of that is the experience of someone like Criss’ character, who is met with obvious surprise and skepticism every time he tells someone he’s half-Filipino but seems most hurt by it when it comes from another Asian American. Or someone like Criss himself, who grew up feeling “incredibly supported and loved” as part of the Filipino community in California’s Bay Area, only to be confronted later in life by the possibility that his success may have been predicated on society’s willingness to set him apart from that community.

“Just to clarify,” Criss tweeted shortly after the Vulture interview began making the rounds. “[One] of my favorite things about myself is that I’m half Filipino. PERIOD. I happen to not look like it, but THAT fact is not what I like. I like the fact that most people don’t know it’s an ace up my sleeve, an ace I’m very proud of, regardless of what I look like.”

Criss says he hadn’t had asked Murphy to incorporate the thread on Asian-American identity into “Hollywood” prior to doing the show and was “very interested” to see it show up in the script. “Ryan wanted to make it more true to who I was, as he did with a lot of the actors,” he said. “So I said, just know that when you’re dealing with Asian identity, it’s a big one. And I think if we’re going to make it simple enough for people to understand, we have to root it in the fact that Raymond is scared of being other-ed. That’s really what it boils down to for everyone.”

“What Ryan did with Darren’s character, is he talked about a really complex situation and subject matter in a very concise way, just by putting these two people together,” Krusiec said. “One doesn’t believe that the other is interested in helping her. And the other is really, really trying to say, ‘No, I don’t look like I connect, but I do.’ And that’s a conversation that people within my community do have.”

“It’s not an easy conversation to have and he’s able to frame that in a way that I don’t think has been done before,” she said.

“Hollywood” finds no easy resolution between its two characters on this point by the end of their conversation (the scene is not their final interaction but to say any more would include spoilers), but Criss himself, at least, seems to have found a path forward.

“People want different things from different people in the media in terms of representation,” he said. “And the only thing I can do is be true to myself and be happy and proud of who I am — which I am —  and do my best to inspire other people to feel good about who they are.”

“Hollywood” launches Friday on Netflix.

#darren criss #thewrap #hollywood #press #may 2020 #hollywood spoilers #just in case

[alexhandersen-marcoilsoe-fandom]

THE MASTERPIECE: CHAPTER 5/5

Pairing: Modern!IVAR x Reader x Modern!HVITSERK

Spotify playlist: here (only for those who like latin urban music)

Warnings: strong language

Words: 2432

a/n: OK dear readers, I hope you get finally all the answers you needed. I hope you enjoy it as much as @deans-ch-ch-cherrypie and I did.

Summary:

Ivar and Hvitserk had always prided themselves in being the sons of Ragnar Lothbrok. They had a comfortable life full of everything they wanted: houses, cars, money, and the most beautiful women. And with all of that came the security of always having the upper hand. But what happens when a bewitching girl from Ragnar’s past arrives into their lives claiming his fortune?

“So, you don’t remember half of the night?”

“Only bits and pieces,” Ivar admitted, with a mortified countenance.

“Wow. Well, I’m happy that you finally fucked yourself into oblivion, little brother. Welcome to the club.” Hvitserk’s grin made Ivar’s lips twitch in annoyance. “Anyway, I just called you here to say that this morning I gave her that painting that dad loved so much and she said she would give us our inheritance back in exchange. We should be fine now.”

“Wait a moment. You did what?!” He could feel his blood boiling with every question that he shot at his sibling. “Couldn’t you tell me that at home? And would you like to explain to me why you didn't consult it with me first, you idiot?” Ivar stood up fast as a lightning bolt. One of the bones in his leg gave a considerably loud creak but he masked the pain by wrinkling his face in anger.

People started staring at them but as always, Ivar didn’t care what others thought of him.

“I don’t get it. What’s this frenzy about?” Hvitserk was pretty proud of the deal that he had sealed with Y/N and he currently felt embarrassed by Ivar’s behavior. “Please sit down, Ivar.” He spoke softly avoiding his eyes.

“No! Shut up and listen to me! In that fucking picture you gave her there was a key hidden behind the frame. It opened up a locker or a box, I don’t know! But something valuable for sure! Father put it there so no one could find it. I promised him I wouldn’t tell anyone about it. I thought we could take the painting with us if our plan to talk to her failed and she left us without any money. She wouldn’t notice it anyway. Father must have stored a lot of important papers and expensive things somewhere. Now that we are one step closer to being poor, they wouldn’t be a bad thing to have.”

“But how did she know it was that painting for sure?”

Ivar looked like he was putting together some clues inside his brain. “Wait a second…” His expression fell in an instant and he knew himself to be the biggest fool. “I think- I think she drugged me...”

“Druggedyou?!” Hvitserk’s olive eyes narrowed.

“Yeah. The second time we met. I remember feeling very strange after she served me that wine and she started asking questions about father. Then the rest of the night passed in a blur.”

“That makes no sense. Y/N asked me for that painting before she drugged you.”

“Well, we still don’t know how, but she knew our father at some point... Maybe she remembered that Ragnar liked it and I was the idiot who told her it had a key in the back...” Ivar offered the best explanation he could think of. His teeth clashed together in anger.

“At this point,” Hvitserk rubbed his forehead with exasperation. “I don’t care. It doesn’t really matter how she knew. All that matters is that she probably beat us to that locker and took everything that was inside.”

“When was the last time you saw her?” Ivar found it uncomfortable to ask Hvitserk that question because he truly didn’t want to know.

“Last night. She slept in my room.”

“Meaning you slept withher,” Ivar emphasized and rolled his eyes.

Hvitserk ignored his bitter comment.

“You know there’s something I still don’t understand.”

“And what’s that?”

“If you guys slept around so much, she could’ve easily taken the key when you weren’t looking. Why did she have to wait a whole fucking month?”

Hvitserk straightened up in his seat and looked at Ivar with a strange expression. “Uhh... Well... Before Y/N left this morning, she told me something...”

Ivar raised an eyebrow urging him on. “Go on.”

“I mean...” Hvitserk exhaled and grimaced slightly. “You really wanna know? I know you fell for her, brother...”

“Didn’t you?” Ivar deflected swiftly with a quick scoff.

Hvitserk shook his head calmly. “No. She was just great in bed. Although I can’t really blame you.” His tone was much softer than before.

Ivar glanced at the dirty dishes in front of them and wished with every bone in his body that Hvitserk would remove his eyes from his face so he could bask alone in his shame. “So, what did Y/N say?”

“She told me that she liked me a lot but that it was time we stopped seeing each other for good. Maybe... maybe she wasn’t ready to let go before?”

“Are you implying that she didn’t leave before because she fell in love with your pathetic ass?”

“Maybe... I don’t know.” Hvitserk heard Ivar's choice of words very well but he didn’t insult him back. He rarely took the bait anymore.

The fact that Hvitserk’s voice hid no hint of arrogance or pride anymore only made it worse because that meant he was being sincere.

“Or maybe...” Ivar spat back with animosity. “Maybe she was just a sadistic cunt that enjoyed playing with us until she got bored.”

Hvitserk shrugged. “Perhaps...”

“In any case, we need to find out where she is now.”

“So, call her!”

Ivar put a hand inside his pocket and clawed around until he produced his phone. He dialed the number and waited, fingers trembling with rage.

“You have reached a number that has been disconnected. If you feel this is an error, please check the number and try again.”

They exchanged a look, seemingly reading each other’s minds. Ivar threw a bill on the table and they hurried to get to their car.

Yet it was useless. They searched for her in her house but she was nowhere to be found. The neighbors swore they hadn’t seen her so they rushed to the car again until they reached their home. Even though they knew that technically, ever since Y/N signed those papers, everything they owned had ceased being theirs, nobody prepared them for the sight of the bare walls of their house.

There was a big crew working diligently to empty the mansion of all the furniture and art pieces. Their clothes hung from movable racks and every utensil, down to the most insignificant silver fucking spoon was packed in boxes.

“Ivar and Hvitserk Lothbrok?” A stuck-up-looking guy with a load of documents in his hand addressed them.

“Yes?” Ivar answered since his brother was too occupied staring ahead as if he’d fallen into a trance.

“Ms. Y/N Y/L/N sold your house and will be keeping all the profits since, as you know, the property belongs to her. You can come to collect your personal belongings at this warehouse tomorrow. Along with the deed to your new house.” He produced an ivory-white card with the name of his company on it.

“H-house? What house?” Hvitserk finally pulled himself together for long enough to stutter out a question.

“As this document states, this house is located in...” The real estate agent ran his index finger over the paper searching for more details. “...in Kattegat.” He stated plainly.

Ivar couldn’t believe his ears, his voice raising considerably high. “You mean, father’s abandoned farm in the middle of fucking nowhere? The one that smells like cow piss and pig shit?”

The man raised an eyebrow sternly. “Oh, so you already know the house, that’s great. Y/N specified that the cottage was to be your only part of the inheritance.”

Ivar took a shaky step back in surprise, his legs wobbling in the process when thinking about how that nasty hateful woman had managed to utterly destroy their lives in less than a month.

“Now, could you kindly exit this estate? You’re trespassing on private property. Thank you.”

~~·······~~

Y/N’s POV

Dear diary,

I realized last night that I had been avoiding taking the painting because I was afraid of what I could find. But it was time to face the truth and unfortunately, I also had to say goodbye to my boy toys.

It took me less effort than I expected to find that locker. I made my way to the biggest bank in the city and once there, everything was easy. I just had to show them the key and the inheritance certificate and they led me into a room where the big bulletproof box was set in front of me. It felt cold and lifeless. The metal walls of the room with no windows made me feel like a caged criminal. Some probably would say that of me, but I’m only reclaiming what I’m owed.

My restlessness was evident in the way that my hands were trembling and my legs felt spongy.

I popped the lid open and I saw that the box was almost empty. Just a few stacks of money, some pieces of jewelry, and two yellowed letters.

One was already open and I recognized my own handwriting. But the other envelope was brown and the writing had faded, barely readable anymore but I would recognize Ragnar’s handwriting anywhere in a pinch.

I took the first letter and eyed the familiar words.

~~·······~~

Dear Ragnar,

I hope you are doing well. I saw the contact details from your company in an ad. So, I decided to take a chance to tell you everything that’s on my mind since you disappeared overnight and I never heard from you again.

I know about Aslaug and her rich daddy. I know marrying her must’ve seemed like too perfect an opportunity to pass up but you owe me an explanation, Ragnar.

You know very well that all that you achieved at first was because I used my magic skills in your favor. When no one else believed in your dreams, you turned to me for aid. Don’t forget that it was me the one who helped you build your empire before you turned greedy and married that pale emaciated chick. And don’t forget that I was the one who satisfied your every addiction, with my herbs and with my body, just the way you liked it.

You once promised me that you would never leave me. That you would always be by my side.And then you failed me.

I’ll never forget how you told me that I was your Valhalla on earth.

So, I’m waiting for you, my love.

With love,

Y/N

~~·······~~

I wrote that letter years ago, just a few months after he left me and I’m still as empty as I was back then. My tears fell one by one on the sheet of paper and the letters in them dissolved. Reading these lines again hurt. I felt the same sorrow as I did then until my tears of sadness turned into tears of anger.

Then I blew the dirt away, read my name at the top of the second letter, and started reading with eager eyes and an accelerated heart.

~~·······~~

Dear Y/N,

I never forgot about all of those words. You were the best thing that ever happened to me but you have to understand that I had to think of things to come. I wanted my future sons to be the emperors of a world that I would carve for them. I wanted the Lothbrok name to go down in history. And Aslaug was a necessary part of it.

But I regret all of it now. I see that perhaps it’s best if they make their own path. I regret ever leaving you and I’m sorry for the pain that I caused you. That’s why I’ve decided to leave everything to you once I die, in the hopes that I can right the wrongs I did and that you will someday forgive me. Please, treat my sons kindly. They don’t deserve to pay for my mistakes. I know you will do the right thing and not leave them in complete destitution.

My heart will always belong to you, Y/N.

All my love,

Ragnar

~~·······~~

Ragnar thought that by leaving me all of his money I would forgive him for his abandonment. But even though I love him, I could never forgive him. He was a simple and humble farmer, but greed corrupted him; it made his soul fester inside. And when he left, my heart turned to ashes. I thought I could feel something for Hvitserk but I was wrong. It’s impossible for me to love anyone ever again.

Ragnar is still a coward to me. He just used me to get high, or whenever he needed a good fuck. He exchanged me for the pretty daughter of some wealthy art collector who would help him get access to the highest corners of society. In my book, that could only mean that he never cared about me at all.

He chose to discard me like a used doll as if he hadn’t spent the longest days in my bed, consuming every intoxicating herb and exotic potion that I put in front of him, and loving every second of it. Ragnar fucked the best whenever he was high, and lucky for me, in those days, he was always high.

I played the same trick on the boys I used on Ragnar. Seeing my naked body and perfectly rounded breasts always got him in the perfect mood and he could only focus on me, forgetting about everything around him.

He never wanted his new family to know about us because I was the one supplying him with his drugs and his good luck. But he never saw me as a necessary part of his life. I don’t understand why I had so much faith in him. How could I be so stupid?

Ivar and Hvitserk deserve to suffer. Since I can’t make Ragnar bend over in agony, they will pay in his place. I will call my lawyer and by the time they get home, they will be out in the streets.

I will never regret any of the things I did. They had to be done. Unfortunately, I will be too far away to see the stupid look on their faces when they realize that our old muddy farm, where Ragnar and I used to live when we were younger, is the only thing they will get to keep. Hard work and misery are the only things they will know from now on...

My name is Y/N, and this is the story of how I ruined the Lothbrok dynasty.

#ivar the boneless #ivar ragnarsson #ivar the boneless x reader #hvitserk #hvitserk ragnarsson #hvitserk x reader #kattegat

[hayscodings]

Been thinking abt this ask for a bit, what is your take on Penelope's sexuality?

whew, okay, this is something feel very strongly about so i apologize for the length in advance.

there tend to be two camps of people in this fandom when it comes to interpreting penelope’s sexuality and they are: (1) antis/cheryl stans who consider her to be heterosexual because they refuse to entertain the idea that she might be gay since they hate her; (2) people who have never given her character a second thought but listened to her red dahlia monologue and missed the entire point of it decided it somehow made her a lesbian.

then there are the handful of people in the parentdale fandom who know neither of those interpretations have any merit. because here’s the thing: penelope has canonically been shown to be attracted to men, and at the very least it has been implied that she’s attracted to women.

so let’s start with the former: her attraction to men.

if we think about her timeline in chronological order, the first thing we have to take into consideration is the fact that she slept around quite a bit in high school. see: “oh, it’s not that different from when i was younger and i had my pick of gentleman callers lining up every evening”. it’s important to note she says this very fondly, to the point where she does that whole looking-up-dreamily bit that one does when reminiscing about the past. keep in mind that at the time she was already aware that she was promised to clifford, and that the blossoms surely wouldn’t have approved of her going around with other boys.

there is no reason to believe she was hooking up with these guys for any reason other than she enjoyed it. she obviously wasn’t encouraged to date by her parents, she didn’t have anyone to impress considering the fact wasn’t popular, and it’s not like she could have gone around advertising these encounters anyway since she would have had to have kept them a secret from the blossoms. so that throws out any “she was pressured into it”/“she was trying to convince other people that she was attracted to boys” possibilities. the fact that she happily recalled these memories to cheryl alone casts serious doubt on them.

why excitedly bring up the memories at all if they were just reminders of a time when she was suffering as a result of heteronormativity? it’s not like cheryl encouraged her to share, or gave any indication that she would be impressed by such a revelation. penelope has nothing to prove to cheryl, anyway. the most logical conclusion is the one you get when you take her words at face value: she experiences attraction to the opposite sex and had fun exploring her sexuality in her youth. we’ll circle back to this later when we get to the subject of how comfortable she feels with sex.

so after high school she marries clifford. it’s a forced marriage, and one neither she nor clifford consented to-- but it’s what their parents groomed them for since they were children and something they’ve known was inevitably coming for years. now, for the purposes of keeping this as short as possible and not veering off topic, i won’t get into a whole analysis of their dynamic. all i will say is this: they were depicted as being entirely comfortable with one another in season one. they may not have come across as passionate or romantic, but you could tell they were partners (always on the same page, experts at nonverbal communication, trusting of each other, etc.). and what’s more than that, is they were constantly initiating affectionate gestures with each other: linking arms, putting their hands on each other, standing close together, hugging, etc.

their marriage may have been forced, but penelope genuinely cared for and felt safe with clifford. even after he died, there was a lingering attachment to him. nevertheless, that doesn’t make their situation any less traumatic. no matter how comfortable they felt emotionally with one another, the fact that they were groomed to be life companions and eventually forced to have sex with one another and raise children together, remains a very traumatic experience regardless. and we know penelope is still traumatized by it because she’s talked about it time and time again. if she was only attracted to women, that would add a whole other layer of trauma to the situation.

because if she was only attracted to women, she wouldn’t want clifford anywhere near here irrespective of the fact that they were raised together. hell, she couldn’t even close her eyes and pretend he was someone else while they were having sex. and she certainly couldn’t attempt to get to a place where the sex wasn't so awkward and uncomfortable. every encounter would be an unpleasant, pained, and traumatic experience. to the point where i can’t imagine she would want to be the recipient of any physical contact from clifford, much less frequently initiate it. in this scenario, it wouldn’t just be clifford’s relation to her that she would have to cope with, it would also be the fact that he was a man. even just going through the motions of being his wife would make her feel isolated and miserable.

which brings us to her job in s2 and probably the most solid indication of her attraction to men. in s2, we learn that the blossoms are broke and penelope is faced with the reality that she needs to get a job. let’s start with what she does to pay for the christmas tree cheryl bought: sleep with vic. was it necessary for her to do this? was it the only avenue she could have possibly taken to come up with some money in those circumstances? of course not. christmas trees aren’t that expensive-- she could have easily pawned any number of valuables in thistle house to come up with the money. hell, she could have chosen some cheryl owned to teach her a lesson. or something nana owned. or she could have simply...returned the tree. there was absolutely no reason for her to decide to sleep with vic if it wasn't something she was perfectly comfortable doing. why would this be her go-to solution if she was only attracted to women? her options were plenty.

then after this, what does she do? gets a job as a courtesan. which she delightedly describes as “providing comfort and companionship to the lonely men of riverdale”. and, as cheryl notes in that scene, she seems quite proud of herself for it. i have a very hard time reconciling how any of this would make sense if she wasn’t attracted to men. you can’t argue she was solely in it for the money, because when cheryl offers her an out via the second nick st. clair check, penelope declines to quit. in her own words, “oh, but cheryl, why would i stop, when i’m having such a good time?”. what, pray tell, would be the good time she was having if she didn’t enjoy the sex she was having with these men? keep in mind that, at this point, she wasn’t even doing any dominatrix work. at this point it was very much implied that she was focused on providing the “girlfriend experience”. so you can’t even argue that her enjoyment came from feeling empowered by dominating these men or whatever.

furthermore, not only did she hand-pick this very specific job herself and refuse to quit it when strongly encouraged and given the chance to, but she also had other options, same as she did in the situation with the christmas tree. she could have turned to hiram like cheryl suggested, she could have worked at pop’s like hermione did in s1, talked to weatherbee about a position like alice, looked at the listings in the register, or asked around about any job opportunities at highsmith, you know, the very prestigious college she graduated from and donated tons of money to and apparently sat on the board of?? the point is, penelope didn’t have to turn to sex work to pay her bills if she didn’t want to. and even if she had, she could have stoped the second cheryl handed her that check and begged her to. penelope went into sex work because she wanted to. and she's vehemently voiced how much she enjoys her work continuously and consistently since then.

then there’s her relationship with hal. this is the second strongest indication of her attraction to men. why? because she genuinely had feelings for him. when cheryl approaches her about the affair, assuming it to be a transactional encounter, penelope explains that, “it’s different, with hal. he’s not a client. it’s real”. if you pay attention to her facial expressions in that scene, you can see that there’s a certain softness and vulnerability to them. the way she delivers the line is especially vulnerable-- and penelope so rarely shows vulnerability in front of cheryl, so that alone says a lot. she then asks cheryl to “please stay out of it”. now, we don’t get to see much if any of penelope’s relationship with hal, but the bits we do see let us know that it’s not just some salacious affair. at least, not on penelope’s end. after cheryl drives hal away penelope is visibly upset and accuses cheryl of driving away her “one decent chance at a better life”.

we don’t need to unpack all of that, because penelope feeling like she can’t be happy without a man is an entirely separate issue, but the point is: she sincerely cared for hal and saw herself being happy with him. when cheryl dismissively fires back with “if that’s your idea of love”, penelope defensively snaps, “what would you know about it?”. that’s not the reaction she would have had if she had simply pursued hal because she was bored or wanted to cause some drama or was merely trying to mess with alice or something. you can’t say she was with him for money either, because: (1) she already had money at this point, (2) hal isn’t wealthy, and (3) she wasn’t getting any money out of him anyway since he wasn't a client. and if she was just looking to get hitched and settle down with a man for money, she certainly wouldn’t have gone after a married, middle class one with kids. that would not be a sensible strategy.

it’s also worth noting that nat stated in several interviews back in s2, while the affair plot was airing, that she believed penelope had real feelings for hal. she explained that penelope was lonely and, thus, “looking for a bit of warmth from somewhere”. so that’s how she was playing it.

then there's the maple club. just in case it hadn’t been established enough how much she adores her job, she had to go ahead and open a kink club. there really isn’t any need to drive the ‘she actively enjoys sex work’ point further, as i feel it’s been made explicitly clear already, but i do want to make one note, and that is that penelope was still taking clients while she was a madame. we saw her holding props in like, every other scene, and she was shown wearing nightgowns. so if anyone, for whatever weird reason, assumed she only opened the maple club so she wouldn't have to participate in the sexual encounters herself, i am here to burst your bubble.

and finally, we come to the scene that launched a thousand bad takes: the scene of the red dahlia monologue. in that scene, penelope utters the infamous words, “not people betty, men. they are the true poison”. in context, it is very clear that she is speaking from her many personal experiences with shitty men, seeing as before she delivers that quote she categorically details some of the traumas she has endured at their hands-- the murder of her son by her husband being one of them. that’s all that quote is about! the pain and betrayal she’s experienced from shitty, morally reprehensible men! it has nothing to do with her sexuality, and to make it so is to ignore and take away from the seriousness of her trauma. nothing frustrates me more than to see people misinterpret that scene and reduce it to some man-hating lesbian narrative bullshit. y’all can save that nonsense for cheryl.

also, the fact people were so quick to ignore penelope’s attraction to men in favor of calling her a lesbian feels very biphobic to me, and i will not have it. rip to everyone who thinks being bisexual is just Gay Lite™ and refuses to even consider the possibility when a character is indicated to be attracted to the same sex, but i’m different. not that that scene was any indication that penelope is attracted to women-- it was not. mistrusting men and being disgusted by their actions does not a lesbian make. that is literally just being a woman. but anyway.

the last thing i want to say before i get into penelope’s attraction to women is that there is no way she would be so comfortable with sex, or so confident expressing her sexuality, if she was a lesbian whose sole experiences with sex had consisted of meaningless high school hookups and over two decades of forced marriage to her brother. that just doesn’t add up. if she were a lesbian, s2 would have gone very differently. clifford’s death would have been liberating in more ways than one, and the last thing she would have done after finally being free of having to endure a heterosexual relationship is sleep with a random man to pay for a christmas tree, get into sex work, and pursue a relationship with a man. and go on to open a kink club. that just doesn't make sense.

so onto her attraction to women. this doesn’t require as much of an explanation, so i’ll try to keep it short and sweet since i’ve already written an obscene amount of words trying to answer this ask. i honestly can’t remember when i first started headcanoning penelope as bisexual, but i know i had been entertaining the idea of her being attracted to women long before the flashback episode aired. i’m not sure what it was, the ~vibe was just there. when i first got into the fandom i followed several people who shipped penelope and alice, and, while i didn’t care for the ship at the time (embarrassing, i know), the idea of penelope being interested in women felt very natural to me. maybe it was the violently sapphic schoolteacher/librarian aesthetic she had going on in s1, maybe it was the fact that her whole energy screamed ‘repressed’ to me. actually, i do think the latter is what initially got me wondering.

and then nat starting theorizing that penelope was attracted to women and that was very validating. i was briefly hopeful they would go in that direction in s2, but of course it never happened.

but then the flashback episode aired and bitch ?????? that one scene with sierra was gay as hell. i’m still very confused about why they played up penelope’s crush on sierra only to never go anywhere with it in present time, but  i’ll take my crumbs. all of the looks penelope gave sierra in that episode, the way she ignored her vandalizing the bathroom mirror while she grilled alice and hermione for their hall passes, the way she set up a quest just to get everyone out of the room so she could be alone with sierra, the subtle scoot towards her and “looks like it’s just you and me for a little bit, sierra” line with that dorky ass grin, the linking arms and smiling at her in the hallway??? there was nothing heterosexual about that.

and then there was the random, low-key coding in 3x12 where we learned that penelope graduated from a college named after patricia highsmith, referenced the price of salt, and used the word sapphic.....i still have questions about all of this. are we just supposed to believe she reads lesbian novels for science? and casually references them in conversation? where did she learn the word sapphic? if i asked my mom what the word sapphic meant she would have no idea what is was talking about. some food for thought.

also....her scenes with alice. that’s all i have to say.

i’m probably missing some things here, but that’s the bulk of it. i apologize for letting this get away from me...i just have a lot of thoughts lmao. anyway, i hope this was at least somewhat insightful and coherent. i appreciate the ask!

#the way i nearly wrote 3k words about this... #my one shots aren't even this long #ask #message #fandom ask #riverdale ask #moretvforyou #penelope blossom #riverparents #riverdale headcanons #riverdale meta

[dragon-kazansky]

Going North - Chapter twelve

Chapter 12 - A step closer is a step further

It was getting darker by the hour. At one point Lee pulled down the covers so the balloon was covered. The temperature dropped quite a bit. Lyra and Roger were huddled together in front of Iorek. You were sitting opposite them with Lee. Nothing but the sound of the wind could be heard.

You had almost dozed off once or twice, but found it difficult to sleep. Lee had noticed.

"Not the best place to sleep, my balloon."

You chuckle softly.

"They managed it alright." You nodded towards the children. "My thoughts are too loud to sleep, anyway." You pull lightly at the threads on your coat.

"You think too much." He nudges your shoulder.

"There's a lot to think about." You smile at him. "That's something I should work on though, trying to keep my thoughts to a minimum. Thinking too much is beginning to give me a headache." You rub your head lightly as you chuckle quietly to yourself.

"You could always share your thoughts. I'm not going anywhere any time soon." He grins at you. "I like having the company. I like your company."

"I like your company too." A lot. You gazed into his dark eyes. Those eyes have been on your mind a lot.

Iorek let out a huff of air through his nose. Lee glanced at him to see the polar bear narrowing his eyes at him. Even Hester was looking at him with a strange look.

"Are you cold?" Lee asked, turning away  from his companions to focus his attention solely on you.

"A bit. We're quite high up."

Lee didn't give an answer as he looped his arm around your shoulders and pulled you into his side gently, but firmly. You were a little caught off guard, but it was warm being tucked under his arm. You tried to hide your blush by burying your face into his coat, letting him hold you like that. Lee smiled softly, but you couldn't see it, too busy trying to hide your own face.

"I didn't get a chance to ask you, how was your first time in a balloon?"

"I like it. I can see why you enjoy it so much. You're a bit of a free spirit, aren't you?" You look up once you're sure your expression won't betray your feelings any more.

"I suppose. Aren't you?"

"Not really." You turn away again.

"No? You convinced me other wise." He was looking at you. You could feel his gaze on you.

"Convinced?"

"After everything I've seen from the moment we met, I would say you're one of the more free spirited people I've ever met.... and that's saying something because Lyra is right there."

You both chuckle.

"I'm glad I met you, Lee."

"I'm glad I met you, Y/N."

The moment was perfect. A little closer and he could steal a kiss.

He's not sure when such thoughts came to him. It's true that he has become very fond of you. More so than just fondness. Keeping you safe has been one of his top priorities, up with protecting Lyra. Just the thought of something happening to you was unsettling to him. He wanted to show you so much. He wanted to spend more time with you. He had begun to wonder what it would have been like if he had met you sooner. Would the pair of you be travelling around the world in his balloon? Would you be happy to do that? As far as he knew, you were an engineer from Oxford who had never travelled very far before. The fact that he could share this experience with you made him rather proud.

As he sits there gazing into your eyes, he has to wonder... When did you become so important to him? At what point did you become the most valuable person to him?

"I thought you might need a tow." A voice said, interrupting the moment.

Jumping slightly from the unexpected interruption, you sub-consciously  move yourself away from Lee, almost embarrassed to be caught in such a situation.

You didn't see the disappointment in Lee's eyes.

It was Serafina Pekkala, the witch.

Lee got up to his feet, helping you up too. He was at least happy you would take his hand and let him help you.

"Well, thank you, Miss Pekkala."

"Always good to see you in the skies, Mr Scoresby. Your daemon is examining me." She looks down at Hester.

"Well, it's been a while since we've seen you." Hester says.

"That was quite a performance earlier." Lee was referring to her attack back in Bolvangar. She had taken out many of the guards in the blink of an eye. She was gone as quickly as she had arrived.

"Thank you."

"Question - what can we expect going forward in the sense of mayhem and chaos?"

"There might be fighting, but you've fought before." She tells him.

"And gladly." Lee casts a glance toward you, but you don't really think anything of it. You just smile at him. "But as the situation grows more complicated, so OUR situation grows more complicated." He glances down at Lyra.

"The child is destined to be important - to create and resolve conflict."

"So this is about her." You state. Looking down at Lyra too.

"She matters more than she can ever know. The fate of more than this world depends on her"

"Well, I had a contract with the Gyptians over what was accomplished in Bolvangar." Lee tells her. He wasn't wrong. To be fair, you were in the same boat. You had agreed to go to the North to get the children back. There wasn't anything else after that. "This... this seems like a whole new thing, which requires, if I'm honest, new contacts and new payments..."

"She will need you, Lee. Both of you." Serafina looks at you.

"You know, a man should have a choice whether to take up arms or not."

"And you need her." Serafina smiles at him.

"That's now how I expected this conversation to go."

"Is it not?"

"No, I was hoping you would find a way of chucking me some danger money. Instead, you blindsided me with... with love." He glances down at Lyra, but oh how we wanted to show that it wasn't Lyra who held all his affection.

Serafina glanced behind him to where you were standing. There was an expression on your face that she could read so clearly. There was disappointment in yours eyes. From your perspective it was because of what he had said about his contract, that this is more than he had signed up for initially. From Serafina's perspective, it was because of what he had just said. It was as clear as day that you held affections for him too. She hoped he would come to tell you. This had deeper roots than he was letting on and it would bloom into something wonderful if he just allowed it to.

She smiled. Serafina leaned in.

"Good."

She knew what he would choose if given the opportunity.

"The polar star will guide you to Asriel." She looks over her shoulder and out into the distance. You follow her gaze. "The wind is strong. You're a capable navigator."

"So it's me. She's responsible for the fate of everything, and I'm responsible... for her?"

"The world is in your hands, Mr Scoresby... and I am delighted it is."

Serafina flies off into the night.

Lee watches her go.

You remain in the spot you had been in for this entire conversation, watching the sky, rather than Lee.

"Impressive." Hester comments.

"Yep."

"And they want you on their team?!"

"Shut up, Hester."

He turns back around slowly and sees you standing there quietly. His heart aches. That expression on your face doesn't belong there. He doesn't like it.

"What is it?" He comes closer, grasping your arms gently.

"You're not going to abandon her... right?" You ask quietly, nodding down at Lyra.

"I don't have many options." He sighs.

You cast your gaze off to the side.

"What is it?" His voice is soft. He's beginning to hate that sad look in your eyes.

"Do it because you want to. Because you care.... not because you'll get paid at the end of it." You removed your arms from his hold and stepped back, seeking a spot closer to Iorek to sit down.

Lee gazes at you.

You sounded convinced he wouldn't see this through, that he would leave the next chance he got. He had done his bit.

No. He can't have that.

"Your chances are running out." Hester hisses quietly. "Don't disappoint her. Please don't."

Lee watched as Oliver came to your side and nestled under your arm. You leaned back and closed your eyes. Your heart feeling heavy in your chest. Lee's was aching to make this right.

He almost had you.

Almost.

Disappointing you wasn't an option. He had to make things right. For Lyra.... and for you.

Tags:

@awyr @fandombeehive @charmed-asylum  @sigynbandraoi-blog @procrastinatingmurder  @beebofrank13 @gemellath @eagleandthebutterfly  @kpopgirlbtssvt @raeofstarshine @melancholicsthings @ettorah @iaintnofurry @thatkindofgurl @curse-brekker @sitkafay @flashettewrites @lucienjynix   @florencia93c  @book–butterfly  @justaboredgir1

#going north #lee scoresby x reader #lee scoresby #His Dark Materials #chapter 12

[graphicabyss]

?人 NEWS

I wrote an enormous post, or rather an essay, concerning NEWS, Tegoshi, and everything that went through my mind in the past month. Honestly, it’s mostly my way of coping, getting it out of my system and sorting out my thoughts and feelings. But I decided to also post it here for those who might want to read.

It was a long time coming. The rumours were lurking around for years and a month ago they bloomed. And yet, the full realization is yet to dawn on me. When something devastating happens, our mind tends to shake off the pain by either exonerating the beloved person who hurt us, or blaming them and distancing away from them. It's really hard to stay objective. But I'll try.

Coming into this fandom, I prepared myself for disappointment. Once I was a TVXQ fan. You know, the 5-nin TVXQ that was going to be "together forever" and all that. So I wowed never to get that invested in a pop band. When NEWS came along, I tried not to get too attached. I knew it would hurt me, sooner of later. And for awhile, it worked. But, as years went by, I knew I lost the battle. We humans need to cling to something. Thus, nearly 7 years have passed.

To me, Tegoshi has always been a key component. He was the one that led me to NEWS. Or rather, how pretty he looked in a dress. Tegoshi always kept me interested. Sometimes he excited, sometimes he annoyed, but he was never ever boring. He was made of contradictions, both in words and in actions. Nothing ever adds up with him. He made me want to understand him but I could never quite grasp it. Thinking about it now, perhaps it was because he doesn't really understand himself either.

In these years, I had several crisis points where I considered leaving the fandom, all caused by something shitty Tegoshi said or did. But every time I bounced back. Of course, I didn't do it for him. I did it for myself. However, his selfishness has always been offset by his kindness. The last time was him crying at the end of Neverland tour and how sorry he looked. Till the end, I wanted to believe that his common sense and loyalty won't let him do something reckless and stupid. Yet, here we are. The interview he gave to Bunshun led me to believe that he would do the right thing. He said he would show his gratitude to JE and would definitely make his fans happy but now it's the furthest thing from the truth. The fandom is disappointed, confused, angry.

Some people say to get over it, that Tegoshi was meant to leave or some shit. But I think those people fundamentally misunderstand the heart of the problem. It's not that he left that infuriated the fandom. It's how and when he left. Most fans would support his decision to leave if the transition was done properly. He owed us that much. A proper apology. A proper gratitude. A proper farewell. The announcement had me in disbelief. I expected him to at least finish the contract, do the Story Tour, no matter how long it takes, and show the members, staff and the fans the respect they deserve. To cut it short feels like a violation. At the very least, we need a closure. The last goodbye. The last concert. The last something. He just left JE after 17 years like it was nothing.

More than anything, what he did seems so stupid. He had it so fucking good. He was always in the spotlight, both on stage and in TV shows. The other members did most of the offscreen work allowing him to shine. He was supported by endlessly patient members and staff. He had the freedom to choose and all the work he wanted for each of his passions - ItteQ, Soccer Earth, OpenRec. And he had fans that always supported him, no matter how many scandals he had.

What was so important that he had to give up on all the amazing benefits he had? To betray all this trust? And on top of it, at a time like this? When all world is going through so much shit? When the fans need moral support more than ever? What were the "dreams" that he talked about?

The ability to rant on Twitter? Making duckface selfies? Fucking around? Assembling a shitty rock band? Performing with strippers? Some kind of unique business opportunity? He talked for years about wanting to perform overseas or hosting fan events but right now these things are offlimit anyway. Why couldn't he at the very least explain his decision properly? Just that alone will definitely hurt his further career in the long run. The press-conference lasted 2 hours but it answered none of the questions that really mattered and there was no remorse. Though at this point, I can't trust anything he says anyway. He created his Twitter account the the evening it all went down and didn't bother explaining himself. He just jumped off the ship and let other people deal with the damage.

Even now, it all seems like some kind of bad dream. Then again, all of the 2020 does.

When I first saw "手越退社" trending on Twitter back in May I felt like I was spinning into a downward spiral, like all air was sucked out of me. And it wasn't the "oh, no! what will the band do?" I never went to a NEWS concert and never brought any merch. To me, it wasn't really the feelings of a fan whose band faces a crisis but rather that of an entrepreneur who invested too much money into one asset and watched it plummet.

Fandom stuff is a currency that can devalue in a blink of an eye. Its valuable as long as its core message is intact. This is why I can't stand people being petty over scans or videos. I share when I can knowing it will make someone happy because I know that tomorrow that someone might move on. When I stumble upon old closed journals with password-protected downloads they feel like ancient abandoned temples. The treasures in them turned to dust.

4nin NEWS were based on unity, the combination of 4 unique characters. Four components, each of them essential. Now that concept failed. It's like standing in front of a collapsed building. I try to assess the damage. How much of it can I salvage? Repurpose? How much is lost and needs to be cleaned up? Should I even bother?

What do I do with hundreds of live performances and TV shows, in HD, lovingly downloaded and stored?

What to make of thousands of scans, magazines, pamphlets, almost each image edited and sorted? Thousands more stored neatly in folders, waiting to be posted. Countless screens and gifs.

What of the member ai fanvideos that gained over 100k on Youtube bringing joy to so many people? I already got the first heartbroken comment saying "we won't ever see them like that again, will we?"

What to make of my unfinished stories? Honestly, it's one of the things I'm most proud in my entire life. Now their future is uncertain.

Do I take down the poster on my wall? The CDs on my shelf? Soon I will have to looks at my enormous stash and decide for each item. Things that once brought joy now cause pain.

NEWS weren't selling music, they were selling ideas and dreams. The cute band photos now cause hurt and anger. The uplifting songs about unity won't be convincing. All the concerts lost their charm.

Am I being too dramatic? Probably. Perhaps the issue itself may seem trivial to an outsider but our grief is real.

Tegoshi keeps saying he loves NEWS and adores the members. But to me, loving is doing everything you can to avoid hurting the ones you love. Perhaps he means it, but that love will never compare to the love he has for himself. Despite what he says, I doubt we'll even see them together again and I'm not even sure I want to. I knew apart from Koyashige, the members aren't really that close personally. Tegoshi is shallow and seeks popularity more than anything. I'm sure than now he'll hang out with even shadier characters than before. The members used to provide him with the much needed tough love. Now, with nothing and noone holding him back, he'll give in to his overblown ego.

I'm not sure how I feel about NEWS continuing as 3. I mean, I support their decision and that's probably what most fans want but to me, I don't know if it'll work out that well. They were already a band with a lot of luggage and now, just like in 2011, they are a band that induces pity. They would have to rearrange so much to try and fill this huge gaping hole. Not to mention they will struggle vocally. No songs, no choreography can be unaltered. It might be better to go on within the agency doing their own things. But then that would just mean Tegoshi was indispensable and all the work they put in will be wasted. The Story must be competed.

In the past week I went through various stages of grief. The anger was strong and so was disbelief. Now it's finally subsiding, giving way to acceptance. It won't come soon but I'll let all the emotions run their course. The fact is Tegoshi remains very entertaining and the temptation to keep following him and rant about him is strong. I probably wouldn't even fight it if he were to leave with at least a shred of dignity. But with the way things are, I refuse to support him in any way. And I will at least try to phase him out as much as I can as I realize that even my anger is playing into his hands as he wants nothing more than attention, good or bad. Instead, I'll try to focus on those who do deserve support.

I'm not yet sure how to proceed with the blog and everything else but I'll take my time and figure it out. The truth is Tegoshi was one of the two major things that have kept me here for so long. And no, the second reason is not Shige. It's the people. Out of all the fandoms I've been in over the years this one really felt like home. I met so many amazing people here, even though many of them have since moved on. I felt accepted and appreciated.

This week has been an emotional roller-coaster. But today I feel fine. I have a dozen reasons to be depressed. But I'm not miserable right now because of the fandom. I've had about 10 people write to me within several days. Some of them I haven't talked to in months, some I've never talked to before, and some from other fandoms. They reached out to share their thoughts and feelings, and I appreciate it so much. I felt less alone. I felt a sense of solidarity, a sisterhood. Many agreed with me and it was touching but even more touching were the people who didn't necessarily agree with me and still wanted to hear what I had to say.

Perhaps it's patronizing but I feel like right now the best I can do is stay connected and go through this together. If I can help others, through informing, making someone smile, or supporting emotionally, it's all worth it.

#musings

[lancelot2point0]

Two Conies and a Fight

“Trap.”

“No. Shoot.” 

Pippin was the first to abandon his pack in favor of gaping at the two who were bickering.

“Why would you want to shoot it?” The man was annoyed and it showed. 

Merry turned to ask his cousin what had happened, and was immediately shushed by the younger hobbit. 

The man’s frown deepened as his companion spoke again. 

“Shooting is quicker and does not rely on chance, Ranger,” the blonde elf resisted the urge to roll his eyes. It was at times like this that he wondered how the man had survived for so long travelling throughout the vast and wild lands. 

Frodo and Sam noticed the lack of movement from Merry and Pippin and looked up to find them staring at the pair standing barely a stone’s toss away. 

“I am a better hunter than you, that’s how.”

The elf started, realising he had spoken aloud. “You wish you were Aragorn,” he sighed, exasperated, “maybe then you would not have to rely on traps to provide your next meal.” 

Gandalf seemed un-bothered as he proceeded to rummage in his pockets for his pipe and pipeweed. He had known the Ranger and the Elf for many a year now, and had been treated to such a display before. 

Locating the desired items he made himself comfortable,leaning back against a large boulder. 

“Ai, Legolas! “ Aragorn briefly considered strangling the Prince,”We are going to trap it, and that is final!” 

Now the elf did roll his eyes, “I thought I made it clear. We. Are. Not. Trapping. It.”

Aragorn glared at his friend for a moment before passionately beginning to list the advantages of using traps rather than a bow and arrow to procure an animal for food. 

Boromir and Gimli were greeted with the sight of a very irritated Legolas glancing from the hunting knife in his hand to Aragorn, and back again. 

Boromir nearly dropped the wood he had gathered and received a stern glare from Merry and Pippin who were now betting on who would win the argument. 

Gimli had turned to find the wizard, and seeing him smoking decided that there was nothing to be concerned about for the time being. So he busied himself with neatly arranging the wood to make the fire. 

Sam and Frodo had returned to setting up camp as they had realised that the pair was likely to be there once they had finished their necessary duties. 

“Look, Aragorn,” Legolas interrupted the ranger, not sure of how much longer he could listen without resorting to murder, “I am sure that traps have their time and place in procuring dinner, but that place is not here and the time is not now.” 

“I would have you know that traps are timeless aids in the quest for sustenance,” Aragorn’s eyes were harder than steel. 

“I think the word you were looking for is time wasting,” the elf smirked as the man sputtered for a moment, taken aback.

Unnoticed by the seasoned hunters two rabbits poked their noses out of the long grass that surrounded the clearing. They flicked their ears and twitched thier noses before making their way back to wherever they had come from. 

This little intrusion had been noticed by the Dwarf, who now sat with the wizard enjoying a pipe of his own to add to the enjoyment of the spectacle before them. He looked over to Boromir who was betting on Aragorn winning the argument, much to the disappointment of Sam and Merry who believed that Legolas would win. Shaking his head, mumbling something about ‘young folk these days’ he rose, carefully knocking the ashes from his pipe into the designated place for the fire. Catching Boromir’s attention he motioned for him to follow him, and the two disappeared into the trees. 

Bereft of his partner, Pippin decided that he should seek the guidance of the wizard, as Merry went to sort out his share of the duties. 

Sam went to sit with Frodo who had been watching them all, an amused smile on his face. His question of who Frodo thought would win was answered with a gentle, neither Sam, and why do you think Legolas would win. 

“Elbereth, give me strength!” Legolas pinched the bridge of his nose, “Traps are inefficient, therefore we will not be using them.”

“Perhaps you should ask Elbereth for common sense,” Aragorn shot back, glad to have an opportunity for revenge after the elf’s earlier comment, “and Eärendil too, just for good measure! Then you might see that there is no sense in wasting valuable arrows shooting what can be caught using traps.” 

Legolas groaned, shooting the man a glare that Thranduil would have been proud to witness. 

“I shall take that as consent then,” Aragorn grinned, “we shall be trapping dinner tonight.”

“Are you perhaps,” Legolas laid his hands on the man’s shoulders, “Out of your mind?” he shook Aragorn none too gently.

Gimli jumped as he entered the clearing upon hearing the undignified shriek that came from the Prince of Mirkwood as the ranger dug his fingers into the elf’s sides. Snickering slightly to himself, the dwarf began to light a fire. 

Noticing this Sam perked up and wondered if this meant he should get out the pot and pans. Frodo thought he should as there was Boromir carrying a pair of conies, already prepared for cooking. 

Gandalf was relieved at the sight as Pippin, who had started complaining of hunger, quieted down and went to see what he could of the preparation of dinner. He would have liked to help, however Sam had, unfairly he thought, banned him from any food related business unless it was eating following an unfortunate accident involving some very interesting berries. Frodo very kindly reminded him that there was still some setting up to do, and that he best get to it while there was still enough light. 

“Does your father know you’re this stubborn?” 

Legolas scoffed, “Of course he does, where do you think I get it from.” 

“Valar help me,” Aragorn sighed, “The sheer ignorance of this elf might be the end of me.”

“If I am ignorant, Edain, then what might your father and brothers be, considering they shoot their prey?” 

Gimli thought that both the man and elf were being ridiculous. He kept his thoughts to himself however as he settled once again with his pipe, leaving the cooking of the rabbit to the rather talented hobbits. 

Gandalf had fallen asleep where he sat, at least that is what it seemed to Pippin who was wondering if he could ask the wizard to conjure him an apple to at least take the edge off his hunger. 

Boromir was keeping watch and sharpening his sword as Merry and Frodo allowed themselves to be ordered around by Sam, who was by far the best cook of the three. 

“So you would be perfectly happy to eat something that you killed with an arrow ripped from an orc?” Aragorn let his disdain for the idea seep into every word.

“You ignorant man, of course not,” Legolas took a deep breath,” Unlike you, we elves have standards. These standards include cleaning all our weapons at least once a day. This would ensure that no rotting flesh, orc or otherwise,” he glared intently at the man, “remains on our arrows.” 

“How am I to be sure that you are not merely creating some story to make me relent?” 

“You were raised among elves!” Legolas broke off into a stream of elvish that caused Sam, with a limited understanding of the language to turn a very bright shade of red. 

Thankfully the meat was done cooking and he busied himself with dishing out portions, along with some potatoes to seven members of the company. They settled around the fire as Arien began dipping below the horizon to give way to Tillion, her eternal love and Eärendil, who would have been rendered speechless to see his descendant, now engaged in restraining himself from pulling the elf into a headlock.

“Did you get that from your father as well?” 

When Legolas did not answer Aragorn opened his mouth again only to have the elf put his hand over it. Irate, he shoved the blonde’s hand away.

“What do yo-”

“Shhh”

“Don’t shhh me Lego-” Aragorn was cut off again by Legolas’ hand. 

“Can you not smell that?” the elf slowly removed his hand.

“Smell what?” the man looked around for anything that might give off a smell. 

They caught sight of the fire first and looked at each other in confusion. Returning their gaze to the fire they realised that the rest of the company were seated around it, watching them with great interest. 

Finally Gimli broke the stunned silence. “If you two are done, Sam and Frodo insisted that we save some dinner for you.”

________________________________________________________________

yes, pure crack I know. 

This was inspired by my dear RangeroftheSouth on FF.net.  If you’re a LOTR/TH fan you should definitely go and read her work

#lord of the rings #aragorn #legolas #sam #frodo #merry #pippin #gandalf #boromir #gimli #the fellowship #lord of the rings fanfiction #fanfiction #jirt #jrr tolkien #writing #oneshot #crack #humor

[theunderdogwrites]

2020: The Year I Lost My Ass

Well, we reached the end of that toilet roll only to start another one, because that is what we do for as long as we are allowed to continue revolutions around the sun – we keep going.

2020 was a terrible year for so many. My brain is incapable of processing the number of losses suffered on a global scale. Be it jobs, security, rights, sanity, relationships or life. My brain is not just incapable of these calculations, it has plain refused to entertain those thoughts on behalf of my heart. My heart, that sensitive little blood pumping work horse who not once allows itself to stop. Thank goodness.

I don’t believe the majority of people are willing and able to bring themselves to fully comprehend what was lost in 2020.

Here is a list of a few more losses suffered last year:

- People lost their shit. And over the most ridiculous things like toilet paper, having to wear a mask to secure toilet paper and being held to the consequences resulting from not wearing a mask when asked to while attempting to purchase toilet paper. Pause for a moment and let that last sentence hang around in your mind. 2020 made that happen. I didn’t make it up! Recently I saw a news piece showing a man (40’s) lying down on the floor in a Costco to protest being asked to wear a mask. He spoke loudly, he beat his hands at his sides and wildly kicked his legs when an employee asked him to get up. Now, I am not judging for I too have participated in such behaviour MANY times. Granted I was three, but hey… some of us mature faster than others.

 - People lost their damn minds. 2020 should be dubbed “The Year of The Karen”. For those of you not in the know about the Karen phenomenon, here is a description courtesy of Urban Dictionary:

 “Karen is a pejorative term used in the United States and other English-speaking countries for a woman perceived as entitled or demanding beyond the scope of what is appropriate or necessary. A common stereotype is that of a white woman who uses her privilege to demand her own way at the expense of others.’

 Basically, a Karen is a I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER type person (There is a male equivalent, but it seems no one can agree on the name… Chad, Terry, Kyle, Kevin, Steve). You can often find a Karen on her cellphone calling the police to report a black man who lives in her neighborhood, simply living his life in her neighbourhood. I didn’t make that up either.

 More recently a Karen was videoed in a UPS store claiming that she didn’t have to wear a mask because that space was government property and not a private business. Would it be safe to say that most Karen types suffer from a lack of oxygen to their brain? Possibly. But that would involve science and Karen types DO NOT enjoy hard facts.

 As always when I download my thoughts into reality, I must go within and search myself. Am I a Karen? My immediate answer is: no fucking way. I can honestly say I’ve never once asked to see a manager or called the police to report someone eating their lunch on a park bench. I do not enjoy confrontation. Unless there is a bully involved. Then I will drag that person to hell with me. I much prefer discussion over going straight to the ‘I triple dog dare you!’ approach to the world. (If you got that reference, you are my new favourite) Because that is who a Karen really is… someone who jumps right to the most extreme action in order to satisfy their need to be superior. Truly, we should feel sorry for these people because instead of engaging they’re raging. And how awful must their insides feel… always full of anger, fear and self doubt. I say instead of judging these Karen types or putting them on blast on social media, we should hug the shit out of them. Just grab them and squeeze as hard as you fucking can until they stop talking. Peaceful solutions my friends, peaceful solutions.

 - Pets lost their faith in us. Children a close second. If you are a proud owner of a pet or a child, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I’ve always operated under the notion that my cat loves it when I’m home and hates it when I leave. 2020 has taught me it might be the other way around. Because our animals are, well, animals we just believe our presence is the greatest gift in their lives. Remember when you were old enough to be left alone by your parents and once you had the taste of that kind of freedom, you just wanted more of it and couldn’t wait for them to go out? I feel it’s like that with our pets now. We might not think animals have a routine or preferences or enjoy some alone time, but we’d be wrong.

I think at first our pets were thrilled. If we are home more it means more time for prolonged petting, walks and the opportunity to ritualistically train us to respond to their caterwauls for more food and treats than normal. But then as the weeks of lockdown and working from home increased, so did our pets desire to kill us in our sleep.

 I’m pretty sure my cat has asked me several times using her feline glare: “why the fuck won’t you just leave?”. It would be naïve of us to assume we don’t disrupt their day with our constant noise making and snacking and scotch drinking that leads to a good buzz that leads to showing too much affection to our pets. To the point where they run and hide when they see us coming. Please tell me I didn’t describe just my own experience.

 There is such a thing as everything in moderation, we know this, so I think it can be applied here. People, get away from your pets. Give them the space you often desire from human beings. Because if you don’t, that random turd in your shoe could be pointing to a much larger, more alarming problem you’re about to encounter.

 I had the absolute blessing of being able to assist in caring for and raising of my three nephews (12,9,6) for the last 11 years. So, when I say: ‘children are always watching us’, I feel I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been mimicked so often by these young boys that I’ve had to pause due to mortification. Children will hold you accountable without even knowing it. I’ve had some behaviours of mine corrected by a 5-year-old and let me tell you, it stings like hell.

 As adults, when our world was thrown into turmoil because of Covid-19, we looked to our medical health professionals and our politicians for guidance. Basically, we searched for those who would lead us. The children – looked to us. And while many adults handled this responsibility the best they possibly could, many more failed miserably and displayed attitudes I can only describe as juvenile, damaging and pathetic. I suppose it doesn’t help if the people the adults are looking to for help are themselves - juvenile, damaging and pathetic.

 When I say we still have not grasped just how much has been lost over the past year, I’m hinting at integrity, compassion and creditability. Three vital qualities you’d hope people want to instill into their children. But if they themselves are unable to display such valuable traits, what does this say for the children who are looking up to them as an example on how to act when life gets challenging?

 For myself in 2020, I gained by losing.

When they locked our gyms down for four months last spring, I came close to being one of those people who lost their shit. While people were moaning about wearing a mask for 20 minutes in the grocery store, I was contemplating if murdering those people could be considered a cardio exercise and would that hold up in a court of law.

To reflect on that time period now (especially since our gyms are closed AGAIN at the moment) the loss of the gyms brought me the knowledge of how important the routine of going to and being in the gym is to my mental health. I won’t launch into how I feel about shopping malls being open and gyms being closed despite their proven benefit to one’s overall health because then I really will lose my shit.

People always say getting to the gym is the hardest part and once they’re there it’s easy to workout. And for many that is the truth, but for me it’s all a part of the workout. Getting to the gym is the psychological effort. Putting in the work at the gym is the physical. You can’t have one without the other. I became so pathetic that I’d often walk to the closed gym from my house, stare at the closed doors and then walk home. 1.5 hour round trip. True story.

Remember a few years back everyone became obsessed with that Netflix show ‘Tidying Up with Marie Kondo’? It is the show where that lovely woman from Japan showed us all how to declutter our homes by getting rid of anything that didn’t bring us joy. Those acid wash jeans from 1989… sit with them… hold them close to your chest… if they don’t make you happy, remove them from your space. Well, the same idea can be applied to people and ideas and even feelings. And 2020 was a great year for simplifying our lives. I’ve heard so many people talk about how they can’t wait to get back to ‘normal’… not me. I’ve already started my ‘new normal’.

The loss of drama has gained me peace and a better understanding of the importance of remaining true to who I am instead of trying to please others in hopes it wins me points. Because it doesn’t. Because its inauthentic and only brings you more loss and more drama. And anxiety. And sleepless nights. And an overall sense of hatred for everyone. 2020 gave me the option to no longer care about the things that don’t make me happy and to embrace the process of letting all that stupid bullshit fade away.

It was a year of gained focus.

It was a year of gained appreciation.

It was a year of gained gratitude.

It was a year of gained love for myself.

 I’m going to leave you now, but not before I share one of my favorite songs by the Tragically Hip:

In A World Possessed by The Human Mind

Just give me the news

It can all be lies

Exciting over fair or the right thing at the right time

Everything is clear

Just how you described

The way it appears, "A world possessed by the human mind"

 Then I think I smiled

Then I think you said, "it's fine"

And quietly I dressed, in a world completely possessed by the human mind

 We're in awe of no one

We've none of their fear

Fighting's goin' nowhere and we stay right here

Where everything is quiet

A little super dangerous

"In the shadow of the law and with colours of justice"

 Then I hope I smiled

Then I'm sure you said, "It's fine"

They got no interest in a world completely possessed by the human mind

 Everything is quiet

A little super dangerous

Quiet enough to hear God rustlin' around in the bushes

Oh, but it was you

Girl, I was so afraid

You said, "You shoulda seen the look on your face"

 Then I hope I laughed

Then I hope I said, "it's fine"

And quietly undressed in a world completely possessed by the human mind

 Oh it was you

Girl, I was so afraid

You said, "You shoulda seen the look on your face"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgXphurrsE0

#2020 #covid #lockdown #gym #marie kondo #the tragically hip #karen #petsarefamily #peace

[quirkless-and-embarrassed]

are you doing the character ask meme thing? it would be awesome if you talk about shinso!!

!!!

Hell yes!! It’s been too long since I did my last character meme, and Shinsou is majorly underrated. I love him. (Sorry this took a few days!)

Favorite things about him:

I love how he puts his hand on the back of his neck when he’s flustered, and I love how he’s got a toothy, kinda evil smile. It’s also cute how he plays it aloof and tries to hide his feelings, but Horikoshi draws him with little distress sweats to show he’s actually really nervous. Stoic, this kid is not. And his eye bags are cute. Why do I love characters with eye bags.

I love how, at the end of his Sports Festival match against Midoriya, he’s deeply moved by his classmates’ support (and the whole stadium’s support). It really blows a hole in his “I’m not here to make friends” image when he gets all choked up over being cheered on. Like…he wants acceptance so badly…just let him be accepted as a hero. None of this backhanded compliment “oh wow, with your quirk, you could do anything!” schtick.

His match is especially satisfying because even though he technically loses, it’s basically a victory. Midoriya beats Shinsou because he has people who believe in and support him, and by the time the battle ends, Shinsou discovers he, too, has people who believe in him. Not just friends—total strangers, too, and he can choose to listen to their voices as they cheer him on instead of hearing just his detractors. Plus, one of those supporters is Aizawa, and Shinsou accomplishes his goal for the Sports Festival: to transfer into the heroics course. SO…it winds up being a “failure” that is actually a win in disguise, and I love those.

I love how he has a complicated relationship with his quirk and society. It’s been impressed on him that he’s made for a villain role—and like…it illustrates how bizarre hero culture is in bnha, where some people are just so infatuated with the spectacle of it all to the point they’re like “oh cool! you’d make an awesome villain! don’t make me do bad things, though, okay? okay!”—but despite it, Shinsou has a defiant kind of pride in his quirk. He snarks Midoriya during their fight, being like ~oh you wouldn’t understand, but this quirk of mine is like a dream come true! (Though in the anime, it’s translated more like “even with a quirk like this, I dream of being a hero”?) Shinsou understands he could do whatever he wants with his quirk, and what he wants is to do good things. He’s bitter because like, is it that hard to believe someone might just want to do good? How/why do people have to be so pessimistic that they think someone with his power must abuse it? But at the same time, he gets it, he knows he’s not any better because he would also be dubious of someone with power like his. But also! It’s not fair! Because “heroic” quirks are also potentially destructive, but a kid like Bakugo or Todoroki is told he’ll be a great hero someday, not that he’d make a great villain—and the heroes industry guarantees them a fast-track to pro status at the expense of people like Shinsou or Midoriya.

So I love that Shinsou is this idealistic figure: he could do evil, but he won’t. His quirk enables peaceful deescalation of hazardous situations. It’s ideal. But it’s ideal because it is such a classically villainous quirk—a power that weaponizes communication, turns people’s trust against them, and exerts total domination to rob people of their autonomy. So very quickly, that inspiring interpretation of Shinsou being able to choose what he does with his quirk is easy to second-guess. The line between hero and villain doesn’t seem so distinct when both professions are distilled down with such brutal precision. Shinsou wants to use his quirk to help people, but the questions of which people he helps and how he helps them are the distinction between a hero and a villain, and it’s not as neat as the hero ranking would imply. His dialogue with Monoma about how they do unheroic things to accomplish heroic goals makes me hopeful that’s a seed Horikoshi planted for future exploration.

So…Shinsou sets up some interesting challenges, and that’s a major reason why I’m interested in him. I’m curious to see how his story unfolds.

One last thing I love about Shinsou. There’s a scene where Midoriya spots Shinsou in the hall and cheerfully calls out to him, and Shinsou’s only response is to rub the back of his neck and go “uh huh.” But! Later on, Shinsou has a flashback to this exchange, and he admits that he was actually really excited to face Midoriya again, and it’s like oh my gosh. You were secretly so pleased he recognized you, huh? You were so happy he remembered seeing you around and wanted to talk to you, and you wanted him to acknowledge how far you’ve come. But you’re a dumbass who couldn’t summon anything to say other than “uh huh.” D u m b a s s. But I like him for it. He tries so hard to be mature and collected that he really comes off as such a teenager.

Least favorite things about him:

Ok we both know he doesn’t get enough screen time, that can’t count as my least favorite thing. Hmm. Can I commit heresy and say that I think his hair looks pretty dumb?

Tbf though, Shinsou’s shortage of appearances is especially difficult because he’s fairly indirect and you can’t take what he says at face value, particularly because he aims to provoke. He’s also appeared almost exclusively in combat situations, so it’s hard to gauge how he behaves in more mundane circumstances (for example, in contrast to Mirio and Tamaki, who are fairly direct and who we see off the battlefield enough to get an overview of Mirio’s good-naturedness and Tamaki’s insecurity). I really dislike this uncertainty.

Other than that, it’s disappointing how, during the cavalry battle, he brainwashed all of his teammates. That leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Eliminating their brainpower definitely made them a weaker team, and I get the feeling he did it because he wanted to feel like he got to the final round from his own skill and not because he was relying on teammates with heroic quirks (which makes it ironic he taunted Midoriya about Ojiro’s “honor”). But I guess I get it, since he didn’t want to reveal his quirk to anyone and it would have been hard to persuade any of these strangers to team up with him.

Favorite line:

Ch212 – Brainwashing Midoriya to save him from blackwhip.

I just love how like…in the Sports Festival, Shinsou wasn’t trying to fight Midoriya as an equal, he was fighting Midoriya as a bitter underdog with something to prove. Then during this Class A vs B fight, even though Shinsou has inferred that his transfer to the heroics course depends on his performance, he’s happy to battle Midoriya again because he’s proud of how far he’s come. He’s discovered the shounen “let’s fight because we’re friends!” mindset, and I think it’s sweet.

And! There’s also this!

Monoma: “I like you, Shinsou. I really do. In order to survive, you too need to embrace your darker side. We’re much the same.”Shinsou: “No thanks.”

BROTPs:

Aizawa. Aizawa all the way. 90% of the Shinsou-centric fic I read is about a tired son and tired dad. 

I think Shinsou and Ojiro, once they get past the initial animosity, could be good friends. I know I mentioned that during the cavalry battle, I think Shinsou didn’t want to rely on teammates blessed with heroic quirks, he wanted to earn his own way. Similarly, Ojiro quit the Sports Festival precisely because he felt he didn’t earn his spot in the final round (something Shinsou provocatively dismissed as a sign of being a spoiled hero student who can afford to waste opportunities). I definitely have a weak spot for relationships that start off rocky and then, to the surprise of the idiots involved, they’re like wait we’re not that different…we might even be friends…? Anyways, Ojiro probably the number one Class A student I want to see Shinsou interact with more. I’d like to see him be Shinsou’s top critic at first, especially since Ojiro is generally such an easygoing nice guy.

On the other end of the spectrum, I love Monoma as Shinsou’s #1 fan. Their canon interactions cracked me up, and I like the balance Monoma strikes with Shinsou between his extravagant persona who’s all noise versus slipping him some thoughtful, barbed observations. Also like…Monoma emphatically embracing Shinsou as a member of the group is different from what Shinou’s learned to expect from people, so it’s funny to see him struggle with how to react. Shinsou has already said that he’s discarding any concept of good sportsmanship and so on, so I think having Monoma as someone to talk about how to fight dirty without being dirty would be a valuable friendship. …but mostly these two crack me up and I want more.

Okay, though Ojiro is the student in Class A I’m most curious to see Shinsou interact with, there’s also so much potential for humor with Kaminari or Aoyama. Kaminari’s little pep talk was really cute and I’d love to see him follow up on it by trying to befriend Shinsou while Shinsou is secretly pleased, embarrassed that he’s pleased, and unsure what Kaminari wants from him anyways. And Aoyama…LOL. Now, I dunno how these two would become friends, but imagine Aoyama trying to convince Shinsou to do something about his hair, about his eye bags, about his posture, about his dour inflections…meanwhile Shinsou suffers through it with his cool I don’t care attitude, gradually picking up on Aoyama’s hidden side. I can also imagine Aoyama and Shinsou being super passive aggressive to each other, ha.

I feel like Shinsou and Jirou could also get along pretty well, since they’re both pretty low-key. But I also feel like they might get along a little too well…I like pairs with a little more drama and tension. It’s easy to imagine them sitting in companionable silence, Shinsou listening to Jirou’s playlist while Jirou acts like this is no big deal. Or maybe Shinsou notices Jirou’s crush on Yaoyorozu and/or Kaminari, and Jirou is stuck seeking his opinion on matters he’s the opposite of an expert in…

I’d love to see Shinsou be subjected to Nejire’s relentless questioning. “Oh wow, hey! You look really tired! Are you really tired? Or are those shadows under your eyes just a side-effect of your quirk? Hey hey, wait, I recognize you. Aren’t you the brainwasher firstie? What do you say to people to brainwash them? Do you like, swing a pendulum in their face and tell them, ‘You are getting very sleepy’? You could do that to—oh! Can you brainwash yourself? Cuz then you could brainwash yourself to get more sleep! But…if you brainwash yourself, then who’s in control? How do you know you haven’t brainwashed yourself already—”

OTPs:

My favorite Shinsou ship is shiniida! This pic is what first put them on my radar, and the generally cute, funny fanart and fic got me the rest of the way invested. I like how on the surface, the two make an odd match, because you have Iida, who’s so by the book the bylaws are practically printed on his skin, and Shinsou gives a much more defiant, devious impression. But actually, Shinsou is surprisingly pure of heart, and Iida is someone who assumes the best of people, and it would be nice for Shinsou to find someone who implicitly believes he’s a good person. (…this is also something I like about Monoma.) Just the image of Iida fussing over Shinsou, and Shinsou being at a loss for how to deal with someone so well-meaning, respectful, and shameless about expressing his concern for Shinsou’s wellbeing. It’s intrusive but so sincere, I can imagine Shinsou getting pretty flustered.

It’s also interesting because Iida is from such a hero lineage with the sort of heroic quirk Shinsou begrudges for having it easy. I can see him being pretty caught off-guard by how seriously Iida dedicates himself to his dream to be a hero. Iida might have it easy compared to Shinsou, but that sort of determination isn’t something that can be scoffed off.

I also love todoshin, which I talked about here. One thing I didn’t talk about in that post, though, is that both of them in some way consider(ed) their quirks “evil.” Their complex relationships to their quirks are something else they might bond over, plus the fact that they’re both closely tied to the idea of self-determination, and I’m a weak-ass ho for free will as a theme so there you have shipping material galore in my book.

Shinoma is another ship I’ve read. I like this ship since it opens up different avenues of closeness between Shinsou and Monoma than between Shinsou and someone with a “heroic” quirk, but I think they’re more of a brotp for me. Kamishin, too—I like kamishin fluff/comedy, but I wind up gravitating more towards the platonic dynamic.

I haven’t read much shindeku, but it looks cute. I love the scenes where Midoriya greets Shinsou in the hall and Shinsou is too awkward to respond.

NOTPs:

Hmm…not really. Big multishipper here, I’ll ship anything I see nice content for.

Random headcanons:

There’s a fanfic where adult!Shinsou has a cat named Nyazawa, and Aizawa hates being a namesake. I approve heartily.

Though I also get a kick out of imagining that Shinsou likes cats, but he’s allergic.

I love this fic’s idea that Shinsou was once mistaken for Aizawa’s son, and ever since Shinsou has had a running joke where he annoys Aizawa by insolently calling him “dad.”

Shinsou has barely trained his quirk because he needs people to practice on, and, prior to Aizawa’s tutelage, he didn’t have any volunteers and he couldn’t quite find the nerve to ask people to be brainwashed.

Shinsou’s always wondered what it feels like to be brainwashed. Sometime after the Class A vs B training battle, Shinsou asks Monoma to copy his quirk and show him.

Shinsou could have gotten in to a different hero school, in their heroics program instead of entering general studies. I imagine some hero schools, unlike UA, must specialize in less flashy quirks. But Shinsou had enough of a chip in his shoulder that he wouldn’t settle for less than UA, the very best hero school in the country, because he so badly wanted the affirmation and endorsement that he can be a great hero.

Unpopular opinions:

Don’t get me wrong, I love reading fic where Shinsou has a crappy home life, is in foster care, etc. Angsty dadzawa and shinson is always a win. But the vibe I get from canon is that his home life is okay. His flashback sequence showing how people always think the worst of his quirk was sad, but it could’ve been much worse, so I think his life isn’t as terrible as it could be. Whew. (Though…it’s also a shame because he might get more in-story focus if it were bad…)

I like fic where Aizawa is a little harsher on Shinsou than the standard dadzawa fare, usually because he sees himself/Shirakumo in Shinsou, and that’s a good thing, sure, but it’s also an ordeal because it’s painful and difficult to reopen old wounds. This sort of internal conflict is one of the interesting things that differentiates Aizawa’s dynamic with Shinsou from his dynamic with Midoriya or his other students.

…I don’t really like erasermic+shinsou? Idk, Yamada never really feels like he fits into the dadzawa/shinson dynamic. He can be helpful for moving the plot along, but I’m not sure I’ve ever found a fic where I was emotionally invested in his role. Maybe now that there’s more canon content for him, I’ll take more of a liking to this trio.

Songs I associate with him:

I agree with this post that Mad World has a very Shinsou feel to it. I Surrender by Colleen D’Agostino reminds me of him too, since Shinsou seems like someone who tries to be cynical and detached but underneath he can’t help what his heart truly wants.

Favorite pictures of him:

Ch183 – zombie!Shinsou and terrified Kaminari!! I’d love to see Kaminari trying to revenge scare Shinsou.

(And seeing Mineta terrified is a different sort of satisfaction.)

Ch198 – Shinsou’s shock when Monoma ambushes him. He looks so awkward with his hands held stiffly at his sides.

Ch214 – why is he so cute. how did this happen.

Ch216 – This is the moment he loses to Midoriya a second time. I love the mix of emotion on his face.

Ch216 – His face when Aizawa announces Shinsou will almost certainly be approved for transfer

I’ve also answered these questions for Todoroki, Bakugo, Uraraka, Endeavor, Sir Nighteye, and Amajiki!

#shinsou hitoshi #hitoshi shinso #bnha #shinsou #text #nerd mumbling #writing this reminded me I still have a few characters I never finished these questions for #maybe I'll get my shit together and finish at least eri's #ask meme #asks #bnha society #shinoji #shinoma #jiroushin #nejire #dadzawa #shiniida #shinzawa

[miss-tc-nova]

Sunrise - Jihyun/V x Fem!Reader Pt 2

I’m kinda iffy on this chapter; introducing things/people is always kind of strange. 

Part 2:  Light After Darkness

                I don’t know why I even bother smoothing out my mint dress presentably when my date is literally a blind date. Mentally, I smack myself for making such remarks but pull into the driveway. My jaw drops. His house is much larger than I expected and definitely fancier than someone like me would ever be seen at. As I head for the front door, I begin to wonder how I ended up in this high-class world for a night.

                My date answers the door. “Hello?”

                “Hey Jihyun,” I greet. “You got a haircut.”

                He gives a sheepish smile. “Yeah. Is it alright?”

                “Yeah. It looks good.”

                “Good. Now my outfit. Does it work? I kinda had to guess on what I’m actually wearing…” He’s got on a white tux jacket with a green shirt underneath and black slacks.

                “You look great.” I step forward, tugging at the pink fabric around his neck. “But you didn’t even tie your tie.”

                “Oops.” He seems a bit taken aback but lets me fix it.

                “There. You ready to go then?”

                “All set.”

                And we’re on our way into the art exhibit. Stepping inside, we let the people know that the photographer is here and begin wandering about ourselves.

                I awe at the starry print colored with purples and blues. “You really took all these?”

                “I’m pretty sure,” he chuckles. “Not that I could actually confirm it. Why don’t you tell me what you see?”

                “Like…What I actually see or what I think about it?”

                “Either’s fine.”

                “Well, it’s a picture of the sky over snowy mountains. You caught the Milky Way so clearly.”

                He hums, “Ah, yes. I remember that one. That was a very cold weekend in Alaska.”

                The words slip from my mouth before I can really think about it. “It looks like hope.”

                “What?”

                “Oh, uh.” I’d thought on this subject before, but never really shared my views of the symbolism before. To someone as artistic and in-depth as Jihyun, I’m kind of worried I might sound silly. “The sun is bright and warm and brings life, but only the sky is the limit when it shines. But in the darkness, when the sun rests, you can see beyond our sky into space, where there are endless possibilities, if only we were brave enough to go.”

                “So you think the sun holds us back?” There’s a note of something uncomfortable in his question.

                “Not necessarily. The sun is comfort and stability; everyone needs it sometimes. But that doesn’t mean the darkness and the unknown are bad. And just because the sun disappears doesn’t mean it’s the end; it’ll come back. People endure moments of light and dark in their lives. We take moments of light to enjoy life and sort things out, but moments of darkness teach us lessons and give us opportunities to change, if that makes sense. There’s beauty in light and dark.” I press a hand to my mouth. “I’m sorry, I’m spouting nonsense.”

                “No, that was insightful,” Jihyun disagrees. He sighs. “Honestly, I wasn’t sure what I was looking for when taking this picture. It was pretty to look at, but I felt like I was supposed to capture it for a reason that I didn’t understand.” He gives me a soft smile. “I hope that was the reason I took it, to inspire that hope.”

                I nervously brush the hair from my face, but before I can say anything, I hear shouting.

                “Yo, V!” I glance back to see a pair of red-heads and another man with silver hair, two of whom I already know.

                “Luciel? Zen?”

                “_____!” Luciel pulls me into a hug.

                “Hey! ______! What are you doing here?”

                Released, I wave to my date. “I was invited. And who’s this?”

                Luciel slaps a hand against the awkward man’s back. “This is my brother, Saeran.”

                I offer my hand. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m _____.”

                He’s a bit suspicious but takes my hand. “Nice to meet you too.” He seems rather curmudgeon-y.

                Luciel goes on. “And I should probably tell you, my name’s actually Saeyoung.”

                “What?”

                “Long story. And V! Good to see you out and about,” Luciel cheers.

                He smiles. “Thank you for coming. So how do you know _____?”

                “The production company I’m with hires her frequently for costumes,” Zen explains. “Her costumes are my favorite to wear. She made that one I was wearing when I was a pirate. You know, with the big hat.”

                Jihyun rests a hand against my back. “You made that costume?”

                “Yeah. I’m pretty sure that’s also the one I was working on when I cut my hand open and then ran around my house like an idiot because I’d rather bleed out than dirty a commission,” I reply both sheepishly and proud.

                Zen’s happiness fades to concern. “Oh yeah…You did have a lot of bandages on when you gave me that…”Jihyun looks extremely concerned.

                “As for me, I found her on the internet and had to throw my money at her!”

                “Luc-Saeyoung! Stop telling people that! You make me sound like a hooker!” I hiss, glancing around to see which people I’d have to avoid the rest of the night.

                He snickers. “I trust no one else to patch my lucky jacket,” Saeyoung says.

                “You mean the black and yellow one you wear all the time?” asks Jihyun.

                “That’s the one!”

                I laugh. “Pretty sure I’ve completely remade that jacket. So how do you know these miscreants?” I question Jihyun.

                “Hey!” Zen objects. Saeyoung does not.

                “They’re members of the R…Of a charity organization I’m part of.”

                I brush off the hesitation. “Charity? I’m sorry but Zen’s broke and Lu-I mean Saeyoung’s always trying to find easy money,” I tease.

                Zen does not object to that one. “Well you got us there.” Saeyoung shrugs.

                “You’d be surprised how much effort they put into the charity parties,” Jihyun replies on their behalf before addressing the two. “Should I be expecting the others to show up as well?”

                Saeyoung glances to his phone. “Jumin and Jaehee were coming after work. They should be here soon.”

                Jihyun pauses. “And Yoosung?”

                Zen shakes his head. “Yoosung’s not coming.”

                I think I notice a hint of darkness cross Jihyun’s face, but change the subject. Only moments later, I notice another pair of people approaching: both very business looking. My heart stops; I know who the man is.

                “Your photos are as impressive as always,” says the woman.

                The man adds, “It’s nice to see you promoting your work again.”

                “Thank you.” Subconsciously, I rest my hand on Jihyun’s arm. “This is _____ _____. _____, this is Jumin Han and Jaehee Kang.”

                His silver eyes turn on me. “So you’re the woman who stole away my friend a few days ago. Are you alright?”

                As a bundle of nerves, I shake Jihyun’s arm. “You let me take you away from JUMIN HAN! His time is worth more than everything I own!”

                Jihyun rests his free hand on mine, a ‘don’t worry’ smile on his lips. “Relax. Jumin was able to rearrange his schedule and everything turned out fine.”

                “She is right about my time being valuable,” Jumin deadpans.

                “And yet you seemed all too eager to postpone your meeting and agree to me wasting it,” Jihyun replies. “I promise, _____, it’s fine. Also, sorry, Jaehee.”

                The exhibit goes on and his friends eventually move on, but only after I thoroughly nag Saeyoung about lying about his name. I sit as moral support while Jihyun endures artsy chat and questions from visitors admiring his work. In between, we chat nonsense and eventually the exhibit ends.

                “Thank you again for coming with me. It made the whole thing far more bearable,” Jihyun tells me as we amble down the sidewalk.

                “It was fun. Except learning that I wasted Jumin Han’s time.”

                He simply chuckles at me. There’s a jingle from my phone and I pull it from my purse to see if it’s important. Seeing an email, I quickly open it and scan the words. I’ve been waiting for this email for a week and it’s finally here. I stop walking and reread the message again to make sure I’m not hallucinating.

                “Is something wrong?” He turns back to me.

                “I got it,” I breathe.

                “What’s that?”

                Unable to contain my glee, I leap forward and squeeze him in a hug. “I got my loan! I can open a shop!” I reply. I’m so happy, I’m rubbing my face against his chest.

                “O-Oh. That’s good.”

                I pause and peer up at his face. There’s a blush working across his nose and he seems kind of uncomfortable. I immediately pull back. “Sorry! I should’ve asked before hugging you! I was just really excited!”

                His chuckle eases some of my anxiety. “I can tell. And I don’t really mind the hugging, I just...That was the first time anyone’s ever hugged me.”

                I frown. “What? No way. What about your parents or your friends?Though I can’t say I see Jumin Han as a hugger.”

                He shrugs. “It’s true. I wasn’t exactly…friendly when I was younger, so I never let my mother hug me before she passed. And you’re right about Jumin. I’ve given them, but no one’s ever hugged me.”

                “Oh...” I have no idea where to go from here.

                Jihyun, on the other hand, is blushing again. “_____?”

                “Yeah?”

                He opens his arms to me. “Congratulations.”

                I’m so glad he can’t see the blush nor the excessive giddiness on my face. Stepping forward, I wrap my arms around his waist again, holding him tightly. His arms drape over my shoulders and all the tension in his body is released with his exhale. It feels like he’s desperate for this, as if he’s been waiting for this his whole life. “Thanks.”

                “Shall we go celebrate with dinner? My treat.” I huff. “What?”

                “You can’t pay for my stuff! I’m a big girl! I have a job! And a store now!”

                His laugh rumbles through his chest and sends my heart soaring. I could stay here forever, listening to his ever-steady heart. “That’s right. A job playing dress up.”

                “Excuse you, my clients are playing dress up. I’m an enabler. So rude,” I mock being insulted.

                It could just be my imagination, but I swear his arms tighten and his face burrows a little deeper in my hair. “My apologies. Let’s celebrate.”

                I resent the celebration as it means Jihyun’s arms leave me and I have to let him go. My only consolation is that I get to hold his arm as we head out in search of something to eat. 

#jihyun kim #mysme jihyun #mysme v #mystic messenger v #mystic messenger jihyun #jihyun kim x reader #jihyun kim x mc #jihyun x reader #v x mc #v x reader #jihyun x mc #fem!reader

[vincent-frankenstein]

Sugared Strawberries

inspired by this prompt by the amazing, talented, wonderful @aliferous-ly !!! thanks for letting me write this bro i had a BLAST

Summary: Before — before there was a divide between the light and dark sides, before the mindscape split in two, before Virgil was alone — Patton made sugared strawberries. Virgil loved them, not for the taste but for the memories they made, his family gathered in the kitchen around him, love and light and warmth.

Then he became Anxiety, and everything changed. Patton stopped making sugared strawberries.

But redemption brings a lot of things — some new and some old and some so familiar he can barely stand it. When he walks into the kitchen one morning to find Patton covered in sugar, a tray of strawberries in his hands, he finally realizes:

He has a family again.

Pairings: platonic LAMP, platonic moxiety, just fambly feels

Warnings: deceit, remus/the duke, angst and self-hatred

Gen Taglist: @joygaytrash @ruh-roh-emer-has-an-account @aliferous-ly @im-crunchie @triton-bear @emiisanidiot @jemthebookworm

Virgil didn’t remember much about his childhood.

That whole thing about childhood mental illnesses causing memory problems? He was a childhood mental illness. That held doubly true for him. He remembered parts, bits and pieces, and knew of others, a patchwork mess of information given to him by the others that he couldn’t even trust, fully, because more than half had been stitched together by Deceit himself.

He knew that there hadn’t been such a divide between the light sides and the Others, once. He knew that there had been sleepovers and movie nights and birthday parties, that they’d all been a family, each of them, light and dark and everything in between. Patton still had pictures hanging in his room; Deceit in a snake onesie, wrapped in blankets, and Remus with a tiny, drawn-on mustache, and himself, open and smiling and unafraid, surrounded by love.

He knew that, the moment Thomas hit middle school, everything changed forever. The Great Schism, Roman called it, ignoring Logan’s lectures on the historical and religious significance of the title. A divide, a split, cleaving one world into two.

He knew that everything changed the moment Caution became Anxiety.

Because that was when the world went from scary to bad wrong terrifying — and that was when he decided he had to keep Thomas from it all, keep Thomas safe, no matter what. That was when Thomas realized some parts of his personality weren’t “good,” and they woke up to find the mindscape split in two. 

He didn’t remember much from before that moment, that split — but there was one memory he refused to forget, one that you couldn’t pry from his cold, dead fingers: sugared strawberries.

They had been Patton’s favorite, way back when. He used to gather all the sides in the kitchen and present them like they were the greatest treasure on earth, crystalline berries as valuable as gold. Roman — just Imagination back then, a tiny spitfire in a Disney prince Halloween costume — even made up a song for them; he’d dance around the kitchen, twirling any sides unlucky enough to be within reach.

Virgil would stand in the doorway, shoving as many strawberries as he could into his mouth at once. Patton would laugh, handing him more and more. “They’re not going anywhere, kiddo, no need to rush!” he’d say.

Then the Schism happened.

Patton stopped making sugared strawberries.

Virgil remembered what came after with all the clarity he wished he had for the memories before. The cold, the quiet, the emptiness that came with being banished to the dark side of the mindscape. Deceit grew distant, furious, and blamed Patton with all his might. “He’s right and wrong, Anxiety!” he used to rant, every opportunity he got, and he’d lie and say the tears pooling in his eyes were from fury, not sorrow. “Sure, he’s definitely not the cause of Thomas thinking we’re wrong.”

And Virgil — Anxiety couldn’t, couldn’t believe that Patton would do such a thing. He’d always been so… so nice. Even when Anxiety’s warnings turned from cautious to borderline cruel, he’d always been patient and loving and kind. Unless he was faking it — maybe he was, maybe he’d been faking it the whole time, sunshine and sugared strawberries to hide hatred for a side that he didn’t need anymore, didn’t want anymore — and suddenly Anxiety believed, believed with all his heart that he was wrong and Patton had done it on purpose.

The worst part was that Anxiety couldn’t even blame him.

The Others tried, for a while, to maintain the same level of warmth they’d had before — but they just weren’t built for that sort of thing. After all, how could something so wrong pretend to be right? Even Deceit couldn’t manage that for long. It was too hard to stave off the cold and the dark, and the creeping feeling of wrong that never quite left them alone; eventually they just gave up.

Anxiety retreated into himself. He ignored Deceit’s futile attempts at keeping them together, and avoided Remus like the plague — without his brother there to reign him in, the Duke became unhinged, distant, terrifying in the worst kind of way — and pretended like he didn’t care. Like he didn’t miss the warmth, the happiness, that he knew he’d once had. 

But he did. It was like a part of him had been torn away, and he ached with every memory that faded, every bit of warmth he lost. He missed watching movies with Imagination and listening to Curiosity read aloud, and he missed missed missed Patton’s hugs, and his smile, and —

He missed sugared strawberries.

Years passed. Curiosity became Logic and then became Logan; Imagination became Creativity and then Roman. The world became bigger, scarier, as Thomas was thrust into adulthood, and Anxiety forwent any and all chances of being loved in favor of being feared. He had to protect the one thing that still mattered to him. And if that meant he had to be too scary to ignore, then… so be it.

Sometimes he snuck down into the common room, late at night, and tried to recreate the sugared strawberries. He never could. Patton had made them with love — and Anxiety, he didn’t have any of that left to give. They never tasted the same. He always got it wrong.

Eventually, he stopped trying.

He just didn’t see the point. Even if he got the recipe right — which he never, never would — he’d still be alone. They’d never taste exactly as he remembered if they didn’t come with a bright grin from Patton, or a one-armed hug from Roman as he danced around the kitchen, or the warmth and light and happiness he knew he’d never get again. 

That was just the way things were. He was Anxiety — a villain, a dark side, an Other, hated by every person he’d once loved, hated by the one person he was supposed to protect. There was nothing he could do to fix that. There was nothing he could do to change that.

The one thing he could do was leave.

And then — to his great, great surprise — he was proven wrong. Things changed. Anxiety became Virgil and Virgil became wanted, needed, loved in ways he hadn’t thought possible. He woke one morning to find that his room was back in the light side; that instead of the silence he’d grown so used to, he could hear Roman and Logan playfully arguing downstairs, and Patton singing to himself as he bustled around the kitchen. 

He made sure to wipe the stupid smile off his face before he went downstairs. He couldn’t let them see how happy they made him. That would ruin his Aesthetic™.

“Virgil!” Roman cried when he appeared at the bottom of the stairs. “Virgil, would you please tell nerdmione over here to turn off his nerd show so I can watch Lilo and Stitch?”

“Roman, you have a television in your room,” Logan interrupted before Virgil could speak, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I am not turning off my documentary so you can watch your nonsensical Disney movie for the hundredth time.”

“‘Nonsensical?’ How dare you! Lilo and Stitch is a cinematic masterpiece! And I’ll have you know, I’ve seen it at least three-hundred times!” Roman scoffed, offended. “Besides, you’re all down here and my room is up there! I want to watch it here.”

“Then you will have to wait.” Logan shot Virgil a look — can you believe this guy? he said with a quirk of his brow — and Virgil rolled his eyes, a fond smirk slipping into place. “Why don’t you try watching this with me? Maybe you’ll learn something. Newton knows you need it.”

“B-to-the-oring!” Roman scoffed, rolling his eyes and throwing his whole body into the action, hip jutting out to the side. Then he blinked. “Wait, what was that last bit?”

Virgil snickered into the back of his hand and moved on into the kitchen, where he leaned against the doorway, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Patton stood at the counter, bouncing in place to the happy tune he hummed as he made… something. Virgil couldn’t see past him. “Morning, Pat,” he said, and Patton whirled around, his bright smile lighting up the whole room.

“Virgil!” he said happily, beaming. “G’morning, kiddo! How’re ya doin’?” His hands were covered in something white and powdery; it fluttered to the floor around him like snow as he flapped while he talked. Virgil shrugged, the corners of his mouth twitching.

“I’m alive,” he said. “You?”

“I’m doin’ great!” he said. “Making a certain sweet surprise for someone I love berry much.” He winked, giggled, and turned back to whatever it was he was making. Virgil blinked, pushing away from the wall to go look over Patton’s shoulder, but before he could Patton turned around, holding a tray laden with small berries.

Virgil forgot how to breathe.

“I haven’t made these in forever,” Patton said, his grin warm and welcoming, “but I remembered how much you used to love ‘em, and I figured I’d whip a couple up to celebrate your growth! To let you seed how berry proud I am of you.”

“Oh,” Virgil managed, and he knew he should have said more, he knew he should do something, but he’d forgotten how to exist in the face of something he’d wanted, needed, for so so long. Sugared strawberries. Patton had made sugared strawberries — for him, Patton made sugared strawberries for him, and he knew he’d been accepted but it hadn’t hit him, really, until that moment. 

He had a family again.

“Kiddo?” Patton’s eyebrows furrowed. “Are you okay?”

“I’m — I’m good,” he said, and meant so much by it that he almost choked. “I mean — I’m —”

Shit shit shit — he swiped at his eyes with his sleeve and looked away, face burning. Tears pooled in the corners of his eyes faster than he could wipe them away. Patton made a small noise of understanding and put the tray back on the counter, rushing forward to scoop Virgil into a hug.

And that was too much. The dam broke, and suddenly he was sobbing into Patton’s shoulder, even as every instinct in him screamed at him to stop, stop showing them how much it means to you, stop giving them power. Patton rubbed soft circles across his back and whispered comfort into his ear. “I’ve gotcha,” he said, softer than Virgil had ever heard him. “It’s okay. It’s all okay.”

Virgil heard Logan and Roman come into the kitchen and he clutched the back of Patton’s shirt harder, burying his face in his shoulder. He couldn’t — couldn’t face them, couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t push away the burning hope eating through his lungs, try as he might. He had a family again. He had a family again. The thought refused to stop running through his mind, a mantra, neverending. He had a family again.

Eventually, finally, the tears slowed. He could breathe again. He pushed out of Patton’s embrace and swiped his sleeve across his face, cheeks burning bright red. “Sorry,” he managed, his voice gruff. “I’ll just — I’ll just go —”

“Oh no you don’t, Green Gay,” Roman said, blocking the doorway. “We’re having an emotional moment here!”

“Ew,” Logan and Virgil said in unison. 

“Kiddo, it’s okay,” Patton said gently, setting a sugary hand on his shoulder. “You’re safe here.”

“Right — yeah.” Virgil cleared his throat, stuffing his hands back into his pockets. He searched the room for something, anything to say to break the tension building in his chest. “You… you got sugar on my hoodie.”

Patton giggled. “Now it matches your sweet personality!”

“Lies and slander,” Virgil said. “I’m not sweet.”

“Falsehood,” Logan said, raising an eyebrow. “You’re covered in sugar.”

“That’s —” Virgil cut himself off, pressing his lips into a thin line to keep from smiling. “Yep.”

Roman slung an arm over his shoulder, squeezing him in a one-armed hug, and Patton grabbed the tray. “You want some?” he asked with a warm smile, as Roman reached over and grabbed a handful.

And Virgil took a breath and reached forward, gathering a pile of strawberries in his hand. He shoved them into his mouth and nearly burst into tears again at the taste — or, rather, at the memories it invoked, at the warmth that once again surrounded him, enveloped him, filled him. 

“No need to rush, kiddo!” Patton said with a laugh, as Virgil shoved more strawberries into his mouth. “They’re not going anywhere.”

And this time, Virgil knew they weren’t.

#sanders sides #virgil sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #deceit sanders #ts deceit #remus sanders #ts remus #celeste's portfolio #platonic moxiety #platonic lamp #one of ollie's tags on the original post was like #how much fluff can i put into a prompt? #and i saw that and immediately thought #cute! now lets see how much angst i can put in instead #and thus. this mess was born #I HOPE U LIKE IT BRO