Tumgik
functionrambunction · 4 years
Photo
Tumblr media Tumblr media
THIS IS my manifesto I'm a unquie girl, I am a trans woman, I only date people who have dix, I like cats, hate the police,  love fat cock, never pray to God for anything, Stalinist, Marxist-Leninist, Juche supporter, Rhode Island Supremactist,  New York Mass we steal your clay greater RI cape Cod to New london, New England Socialist Republic, Tranny underground cell network worldwide connection, satanist transbian orgy, girl cock supreme, we must sieze the means of production, gaia online bitcoin republic, can we please ban cars, destroy the suburbs, lawns should be banned, pedestrians rights take back the street, green urbanization, end imperialist wars, class revoution, kill rich people kill rich people kill rich people kill rich people, I really want to kiss my girl friend, I'd fuck my best friend given the chance, I'd kill anyone who dare touch my cat, My cat is going to be 5 years old on August 6th, 2020 ,  His name is Mauser,  I just wanna be slapped, I'm a stupid bitch, I have no self control, from the taiga to the british seas the Red Army is the strongest, Kosovo is Serbia, If i were religious I'd be orthodox christian, the orthodox church is the longest standing church, Constantinople is Greek, Kosovo is Serbia, I shit on youir countrys flag, I [iss down river into your wifes vaghole, hahaha turk you smell of horse street,  we crush you at balakan wars, SFR Yugoslavia needs to return, the Soviet Union were the good guys, China isn't bad, Cuba and Vietnam i model Socialist countries that should be emulated, I wanna be topped so fucking bad, I hate my little brother, he pisses in our drinking glasses,  he broke my car, my step dad sucks, he took me and brother into the backyard and burned my yugioh cards, trans rights, wsatcvhing my friend McBedtime stream earthbound through discord was the highlight of the year honestly,  this is a cry for help,  joker, joker, joker joker, JOKE!, Nintendo switch is the last good video game console, PS2 is the best video game console, this is marijuana infused brain think mad gone wrong upon the waves of instictual reprobate on to thee what must upon thine do? verily  i must say for it be’eth that it is said, such is the shit.
1 note · View note
functionrambunction · 7 years
Photo
Tumblr media
Alright freeze frame. Yup, that me. You’re probably wondering how I got into this situation, this situation that I am in. Well that story starts a couple months ago...
My name is Jimothy Jargon, 5 time NASCAR world champion of the world. I’ve been all over from Idaho to California, speeding as hard as I can to the left and only to the left. Years of turning left has turned my brain partly into a dried ugly mess as all the fluid pooled to the left of my skull and has swollen my entire head on the left side for the whole world to see. I am no longer legally allowed to drive on American roadways anymore because of my tendencies to never be able to turn right. Additionally I am officially banned from the country of Europe because of my status as a NASCAR citizen, I sput my cum on the graves of their ancestors.
However a few weeks ago I was given the chance to undergo corrective brain surgery to redistribute the fluid across my entire brain, giving me the ability to perceive the right-sided world. After the surgery was over I felt so much more alive than I had ever been, I immediately went to get my license again and seek to remove my ban from Europe. I struck it lucky and not only got my ban removed, but after I proved my capabilities as a skilled LEFT AND RIGHT turning driver they offered me a spot in the European Hyper Slalom, Europe’s toughest car race in the world.
The goal is to make it from in Barcelona, Spain all the way to Krakow, Poland all while avoiding as many reckless photographers as possible. Europeans are known around the world as being absolutely fucking mad, often running right in front of cars and dodging them only milliseconds away from being crushed by inferior European sports cars.
Today is the day of the big race and here I am, tackling the longest stretch of left turns in Europe. Why these people would make a circular road I don’t know, but I’ve been turning left on this road for hours with no way out. My brain fluid is once again pooling to the left, I could feel it flow from one side to the other. In a panic I decided to turn violently to the left and make the turn I needed to make, but the swarm of photographers that have been forming the bulk of the traffic in this roundabout suddenly jump in front of my car the moment I turned.
And now we’re back to this, where I’m about to turn this group of photographers into jelly. Assuming me and my car make it out of this alive, I will be penalized 2 points for the race for killing these photographers. There goes my perfect score! 
1 note · View note
functionrambunction · 7 years
Photo
Tumblr media
Oh, hello there! I didn’t see you come in, welcome to Toyota Toyota the biggest and tallest Toyota dealership in the world! 27 floors tall featuring five of the best 3-star restaurants in the tri-city area, as well as a Child-Safe* Moon Man Bounce Tube that runs through floors 14-20.
I am tall as two floors so I am only able to stay in the lobby area, I am not allowed in the upper floors. I am the resident golem and salesthing of the year Jurd Swampson and I am here to help you on your journey through the beauty of Toyota Toyota, if you have any questions feel free to ask me and I will do my best to answer them.
Q: Where can I find the nearest wheelchair accessible washroom? A: Here at Toyota Toyota, we don’t believe in wheelchairs. If your legs don’t work, why are you shopping for a Toyota?
Q: The water fountain tastes like cola, but it’s clear? A: here at Toyota Toyota, we get a good amount of our money from cross promotions with other brands such as Coca-Cola or the far superior company, pepsi. I must correct you on your usage of the word cola in your question as what you are consuming is Crystal Pepsi, the #1 drink at Toyota Toyota. MMM, I love me that crystal!
Q: If I were to buy a- A: I am sorry, I must now go on break. Please leave the dealership calmly and please stop doing donuts with your chair on our very expensive floor.
Security, please remove hot wheels here from the premises.
2 notes · View notes
functionrambunction · 7 years
Photo
Tumblr media
There he is, there that man.
You sit in wait in between a grove of willow trees at the cusp of a great swamp, anxiously looking forward to your meeting with the new boss. You’ve got your $20,000 suit, your space age moon man wrist watch and three pairs of fancy branded underwear stacked on top of each other just in case.
A deep breath comes out from the woman next to you. A slender skeleton of a woman, her bones audibly rub against her paper thin skin and make you shiver a little bit at the horrid thought of this woman’s paper skin being the only thing that separates you from the fiendish skeletal creature that looms inside. Before you could finish your morbid thought, the polar opposite of a woman comes out of the swamp and bellows “Mr. Gregori will see you now sir, you can step on into the swamp with me”, looking like a whale somehow found her way into the greasy swamps of Russia. How this great oceanic beast of a woman can survive out of the salty seas, well, that thought is better left for another time.
You take your first step into the swamp and immediately feel the muck and sludge seep into your $7,500 loafers and rotting away at the pant legs of your $20,000 suit, which you paid for fully in cold hard cash. A foolish attempt to pull your pant legs up to make sure they remain clean in the swamp ends in you splashing face first into the septic teet of mother earth, her most filthy creatures oozing themselves on your expensive space age moon man wrist watch which you inherited from your horrible cuck of a dad, who died after a chastity device violently ripped his dick off in a horrible BDSM terror event.
The boss slowly emerges out of the swamp nearby where you made your messy entrance, with a computer desk emerging as well. He seems to be asleep, but a sudden movement on your part rouses him awake. “Welcome to my office deer businessman. I am sorry for the damages done to your $20,000 suit and your space age moon man wrist watch, my whale of a receptionist is incontinent and basically we’re all swimming in this swamp that was born out of her waste. Your job is to clean it up.”
The economy is in shambles, you accept the job.
2 notes · View notes
functionrambunction · 7 years
Photo
Tumblr media
Here they stand, mighty and tall. The three guardians of the pool have arrived, entry has now been barred! All humans must vacate the premises or face total annihilation by the ultimate body machines, inhuman golems of mass destruction capable of snapping multiple spines as if it were a bundle of dried spaghetti. They will turn the pool red with your blood if need be, so long as your filthy degenerate human self does not enjoy one single moment of being at the pool. Your pleasure is their bane, they must guard the pool and keep its water clear of all “fun doers”. That’s it, I’ve had enough of these god damned guardians.
Tumblr media
It’s time to show these poolside goons whose really in charge of the pool: me. I clean it, I organize the pool toys into tiny compartments in my garage according to color, I also mark it with my scent daily to make sure my neighbors are aware that this pool is mine. I will not stand idly by as these so called guardians protect my pool from myself, it’s time for them to die. *BANG, BANG, BANG* Three shots ring out and all of them miss. I aimed for their heads out of instinct, 50 years of Call of Duty has taught me to go for nothing but the head. I panic as I fumble my gun around to load more bullets into it, the guardians begin to approach me. With a loud piercing shriek and a blinding flash, all four of us disappeared. Our individual selves have evaporated, we are now one with the pool. Join us in the pool.
3 notes · View notes
functionrambunction · 7 years
Photo
Tumblr media
Well howdy partner and seventeen hundred salutations to you on this fine day in the town of Bush! Today we celebrate the anniversary of our fine town’s momentous collective awakening during the Red Dawn, where Donald Trump waved his magic hand and bestowed upon us his mystical orange radiance and transformed the world into this wild west paradise that you see in front of you. Yes sir we have tumbleweeds, spitoons, plenty of hand rolled cigars and we even have a never ending supply of town drunks for you to amuse yourself with, they are quite docile. Be warned, the villainous Texas “Horse Whippin” McGoon is up to no good in up them there mountains up there, causing a hot hell of a ruckus I tell you what! Aw crap here come the savages again...
Tumblr media
2 notes · View notes
functionrambunction · 8 years
Photo
Tumblr media
AND NOW A FUNCTION RAMBUNCTION SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Introducing our brand new Function Rambunction TOY!
Greetings and many well wishes to you gamers! Today I am tasked with presenting to you Function Rambunction’s newest toy: Chimp Dodger.
Here at Function Rambunction we want to provide our fans with top shelf products like our line of Hair Cleansing Potions, Teeth Vapor and our line of candy simply called SCRUG. So when it came to making toys, we did not want to disappoint. We traveled across the world for a solid 5 years looking for the best of the best toy artisans and import them illegally back into the good ol US of A so they can make our product. We decided on a group of toy makers from a mysterious and misty Chinese village that can no longer be located on any known map made by man, who showed us things that no mere mortal could conjure up with our machines or even our hands. Toys took form out of thin air and appeared before us, magnificently shaped and adorned with colors that seemed utterly impossible. After we had imported them to the United States, rumors of mysterious spirits that smelled like lead paint were reported in our home state of [REDACTED]. Lucky, since we were able to perform an ancient Chinese ritual to manifest these spirits into the paint we needed to mass produce these toys. Anyway, I believe it’s time we tell you about the product itself: Chimp Dodger. Chimp Dodger. Chimp Dodger. Chant it with me folks.
Tumblr media
Chimp Dodger is the ultimate utility friend for boys and girls. It can produce several different types of pheromones to attract, repel or dissolve any kind of species on this plane of existence and beyond. One cannot play with the toy as the type-53 lead paint used by the artisans is considered an X5 paranormal threat, so you must contain it securely in a corrosion proof module installed in your house BEFORE you can even purchase the product. It has a tendency to melt off of the plastic and corrode everything around it, occasionally being observed to have sentience. Within seconds of dripping onto the floor it will reassemble itself onto the toy, this time altering its colors ever so slightly. Like the toys we saw back in the village where our artisans came from, new colors have been discovered thanks to this wonderful toy. Scientists were baffled when we showed them our Chimp Dodger,  one even attempted to douse it with holy water before the toy took control over his muscles and crushed him into a jelly. Speaking of, absolutely nothing can kill Chimp Dodger, not even his ultra corrosive lead paint. Do not attempt to kill Chimp Dodger, any fatalities as a result of his backlash are not grounds for suing us since before ever owning a Chimp Dodger you must sign a large booklet of wavers declaring your utter devotion to Chimp Dodger, Function Rambunction and the otherworldy leader [REDACTED]. You will be held responsible for your own deaths and no amount of damage done by Chimp Dodger can be covered by insurance.
If you live in an area infested with squirrels or raccoons, Chimp Dodger releases several high frequency noises that will obliterate all rodents, pests and pets into harmless jelly.
I hope you enjoy your Chimp Dodger and hope that you will continue to do your shopping with us at Function Rambunction. Ah mahet natuna hak. Et u il abar mahawuk.
Do not let the spirits eat you, gamers.
2 notes · View notes
functionrambunction · 8 years
Text
FUNCTION RAMBUNCTION PRESENTS: How it is you play WINSTON (how 2 play Overwatch)
Tumblr media
Hello my wonderful and wonderfully wide friends of all races and genders, I am your eternal host in this putrid hell hole of a reality that we call life on earth and coincidentally, also here to present to you this guide on how to play Winston the Go Go Gorilla from Overwatch!
A little bit more about this OverWatch-Game: It started in 2004 with the very first source engine game on the computer PC known as Counter Strike [SOURCE], a popular shoot em up inspired by the events of such horrific accidents in history such as the Oklahoma City bombing and the 9-1-1. It attempted to cash in on this fear by allowing players to either become the Counter Strikers(in America we call them Counter Terrorrists) or to fulfill their civic duty by pretending to be a Terroriser and give their life for their country in the name of training the tip top Counter Strikers America needed. America needed more, so in 2011 the American government released “OverWatch” to the public, pitting The Overwatch vs The Masters of Evil in an all out Civil War.
About Winston: The biggest threat to Planet Earth#24506 in the year 2020 during the height of the Cyberian War: this guy right here. What a villain this guy is. This freak ape was born in a tube in the depths of the Congo’s Cyber Jungle, being fed pure protein shakes and forced to wrestle with Cyberian soldiers in order to train to become the ultimate killing machine. Some say even Zarya, the most famous and cruel of the Cyberian soldiers trained Winston personally for many years in the remote Ethiopian Islands (Ethiopia is underwater now). However for all the training they got him to go through, they could never control his raw ape temper. After the 50th or so incident involving Cyberian soldiers needing to be scraped off the base walls, the Congolese Cyber government decided to send Winston to the African Orbital Ape Office (AOAO) up in space for further rehabilitation. Up there, he took control of the facility with ease and is now using it as his base of operations for his inevitable domination of mankind.
Tumblr media
Art by Ms. Minty depicting Winston in front of his vintage Windows 98 PC
How it is you play: So the thing you need to know about playing Winston is: everything he does is pure evil. Have you seen the Exorcist? What about Paranormal Activity? Scary stuff huh? Yeah it’s nothing compared to the horrors that a devious ape like Winston can conjure up. Here is a list of the tools Winston has at his disposal to achieve his goal of world domination:
His Muscles. He has a lot of muscles, sometimes they are used to carry a big gun that shoots electricity but honestly, they are better used when flattening heads and spreading brain jelly across the map. Use your big hands to go pop pop with the bodies of your enemies, a slight touch of your fist will send their insides out and turn it all into a fine vapor.
His Ford Tough Skin. The Cyberian soldiers in the Congo had installed a portable dome shield into your suit to keep you safe, but that doesn’t matter because you are an ape of the highest order. You are superior to man kind, you are indestructible. The muscles in your hands alone could choke out the entire UN with a single squeeze, even your brain which is the deadliest muscle of all will crush them with your superior intellect.
If your team has a collective IQ lower than 300, Winston will automatically question their morality and educate them on the logical nature of Atheism and attempt to bring them into enlightenment.
If there is a Zenyatta on your team, you will be unable to control Winston as his AI will take over, whipping into a frenzy as he scatters Zenyatta’s piece of shit religious parts all across the world, hurling them straight into the stratosphere in a fit of rage so powerful it can be seen and felt from space. More than 12 astronauts die each year due to Winston related incidents involving Zenyatta.
Your main purpose as a Winston player is to spread the will of Atheism to all of the players on your team and hopefully raise their collective IQ’s beyond 1k, providing you with an Intelligence Victory. Before every game it is customary to ask your players and the enemy players about their theistic views in order to provided a proper argument as to why they are wrong. You don’t want to seem like a fool now do you?
And that concludes our guide to Winston, the Enlightened One, the True Hero, The CHOSEN. If you wish to deny any of this please contact me personally at 1-540-333-0594 ext: 545
Remember folks, don’t let the Saurians chip you! See you around!
6 notes · View notes
functionrambunction · 8 years
Photo
Tumblr media
The New Soldier for America is reporting for duty.
Armed with Truth in one hand, Justice in the other, and Honor in the other, the New Soldier for America will put his life on the line to protect our beloved nation from the loathsome scoundrels who vie to destroy her. The New Soldier for America is swift, nimble, and brave, not to mention highly trained in the art of deadly combat. With nerves of steel and the eyes of an eagle, he will not hesitate to neutralize any threat that dares stumble into his gaze.
A new dawn is upon us. The New Soldier for America will make sure that we live to see it.
1 note · View note
functionrambunction · 8 years
Text
FUNCTION RAMBUNCTION PRESENTS: How to Play ZENYATTA (An Overwatch Guide)
Tumblr media
Greetings fellow gaming fans(enthusiasts)! I am your wonderful and wide host, EXtraDonut! Today on behalf of Function Rambunction I am proud to present a world first gaming event: The release of our series on HOw to Play Gaming GUides, featuring the popular Overwatch!
A little more info on this OVERWATCH game: It started back in 1993 during the creation of the very first Doom game. A game influenced entirely by Christian mythology (see its depiction of hell, Doom Guy as the “savior) found its way into a market dominated by atheist tripe and sold millions, paved the way for other wholesome Christian video games to enter the fray. Several years later we now have Overwatch, THE leading Christian game on the market to date.
About Zenyatta:  Zenyatta used to be an orphan during the great cyber war of 2020, abandoned by his parents because of his inability to grasp object permanence. As a result, Zenyatta grew to become truly independent of materialistic desires and became a beacon of hope for kleptomaniacs and tech crunching heathens. Everything changed during the end days of the cyber war around 2022, where a Cyberian soldier (Zarya) walked into the orphanage and started to go on a rampage, a SINFUL rampage. Zenyatta had been crushed by objects, objects who later on he would forget ever existed. As his soul left his body he forgot his body even existed, proving to god that he truly is the chosen one and was sent back to earth as the avatar of cyber, to bring the light of the lord into the digital realm as the second coming of Jesus Christ.
Tumblr media
“Spray n Pray” art by Ms.Minty depicting Zenyatta’s revenge arc How to Play: First of all Zenyatta has a few abilities you must hone in order to own the zone:
His gun. Given to him by god, it is the only object he owns that he has grown attached to, to the point where he actually does remember it exists when it disappears.
His faith. A deadly tool when used against the sinful, his faith will help you lower your team’s Sin Quotient significantly and further your chances at earning the enlightenment victory condition
The word of god. While the model does not show it in game, canonically Zenyatta is always carrying the holy bible.
You must never forget to make sure that your team’s gun ratio is less than the enemy team’s gun ratio. It must be less than half, but as long as you do not own as many guns as they do you are in the green on the sin meter. If your team happens to ever reach yellow on the meter, an inquisition will occur.
While playing as Zenyatta your primary goal is to teach your teammates about the futility of materialistic desires. Your teammates may want to push the payload or “take a point”(modern term for conquering a neighboring kingdom) but you must not let them. Educate them on the importance of daily prayer, loving one’s family and especially on personal hygiene. The lord loves a clean body.
If you ever find yourself stuck in a position where your team’s sin is in the red and an inquisition refuses to intervene, you must whip out the sin stick. For a one time fee of $59.99USD you can purchase this simple program that will eliminate all players from your match and send their most sensitive information straight to their employers and family.
I hope you have enjoyed this wonderful guide, by me EXtraDonut who is wise and wonderful.
Have a joyous day my fellow AMERICANS (Europe has too much sin)
7 notes · View notes
functionrambunction · 8 years
Photo
Tumblr media
I am a wholesome christian anime fan, I like to wear ties and sweater vests casually but I also own hatsune miku underwear and about three dozen pairs of “anime jeans”. Despite my diet of pocky and bizarre foreign sodas, my breath smells heavily of peppermint because I am force fed them by every single older women at my church who think I am just the most adorable thing. Other anime fans would read manga in church... I’m a little better than that, I know that it is the house of god and I must respect him. But as an anime fan, I cannot resist the urge to peruse a good manga novella whenever I get a craving. In order to fulfill this without sinning, I read from the manga my pastor handed out last month about bible stories, I’m on the chapter where Jesus goes Naruto on a temple full of jews.
I sign in the choir, they told me I am not allowed to sing the Inuyasha song...
4 notes · View notes
functionrambunction · 8 years
Photo
Tumblr media
DID YOU KNOW?
Formula 1(One) Racing was invented by a group of leather clad Nascar enthusiast bored of the leather and denim upper class that made up the fanbase of Nascar. So they took their cars and perfected the art of making really tight cars, I mean these cars are REALLY tight. The cars they use are pretty much flat, so flat they can’t be used in America because of their effeminate looks so they all had to move to Europe to drive these things.
When they boarded their ferry to Europe, everyone in America who had any kind of respect for motorsports attempted to put their cars to the torch so that they may never bring that godless tight car sport to the rest of the world. But they failed, and as the drivers began their journey to Europe they ritualistically burned away all their former leather and denim and began wearing a complicated neopoly-spandex cloth fiber-weave “body-fit” spandex suit, covered in logos like Redbull and Tampax. And they would wear this for the rest of their lives. Some say, that the spandex has become one with their very flesh.
1 note · View note
functionrambunction · 8 years
Photo
Tumblr media
For almost 4 years now you’ve been waiting for this moment. Ever since you heard of Lootcrate back in August of 2012 you were so excited! You immediately bought a life time membership to the box and just KNEW you would get top shelf items that your nerd self would cherish for the rest of your life.
But then you got your first crate, and right away you knew what kind of horrible mistake you’ve done. But you think to yourself “this is just the first crate, over time these nerd products will get better and better. Maybe one day I’ll finally get that 12′’ vinyl Barney the Dinosaur statue I’ve always wanted!”
Months go by, years even. And now we’ve finally come to this. Theme after theme, nothing gets you more excited than the promise of sweet, sweet death. For the first time in almost 4 years, Lootcrate offers you the greatest gift of all: death. No more school, no more bullies, no more Lootcrate. Only peace.
6 notes · View notes
functionrambunction · 8 years
Photo
Tumblr media
9/11 Children The sheltered generation
We live in a time of fear, a fear that dominates the minds of our youth. It is not a natural fear but rather one that has been drilled into our heads from birth. The idea you are never safe, that there is someone always out to get you. You dont need freedom when you have safety, Mother and father will keep you safe as long as you do as they say. This is the times we live in, where our freedoms are shoved out of the way for this infantile safety being pushed by millennials. How could this be? The united States has freedom of speech, freedom of expression you say? I'll tell you my friends, it's a tale of born out of the 9/11.
The following years of 9/11 many of young people, including myself, that the us was about to be invaded, that a terrorist could be around any corner, that it's not safe to walk the streets even in your own neighborhood. All this fear mongering through parents, teachers, TV contitioned a lot of children to be timid and always seek out safe spaces. These children are now grown up and we can see the effects of this sheltered generation. Colleges offer safe spaces against what challenges the individual, There are Trigger hotlines in Canada and a few states, free speech is looked down upon and These children have been brainwashed into policing their own colleges too. Thought police, rather irregular , Are SJWs who arent as timid., they seek out those who speak their minds, question or even say anything that goes against the SJW code and agenda. These though police CAN and WILL get you expelled from any modern college for any disruption against the code.
Why though? This is Anti-American, who would want to do this? What are their goals? I can tell you this, it's all propagated by a group called Trojan, Worshipers of Athena. Trojan propagates anything feminine, They seek not to destroy the west but to build a feminine Western society. Estrogen is in our water, that why there are so many gays and transsexuals. However their main goal They seek. Is to destroyed their moral and arch enemy, Christianity by any means. They'd even promote atheism over their own religion if be it.
Also buy my shirts on infowars.com
1 note · View note
functionrambunction · 8 years
Photo
Tumblr media
Sonic vs Doomsday Rochino Nueva aventura VHS próximamente en DVD. Sonic, Tails, Rochino, Sally Acorn. Nueva aventura de DVD. Próximamente en la taquilla!
11 notes · View notes
functionrambunction · 8 years
Photo
Tumblr media
RING RONG
AAAAAAAH!
3 notes · View notes
functionrambunction · 8 years
Photo
Tumblr media
DO NOT LET THE EVIL SAURIANS FROM HELL CHIP YOU AND YOUR FAMILY’S!
0 notes