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spaceyshideaway · 6 months

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Fraud Alert

I think I am a fraud who convinces my parents I am someone else and that our relationship is stronger than it is. You see in the process of becoming a shell of the person I was once and recluding into myself, they have seemed to place their own warped reality onto my memories. I think I am having a psychotic breakdown because I no longer know if my version of events is real, or if it is theirs. Can I really trust who I am, if the people around me have a different belief? The world is melting before my eyes and my chest is so tight, is anything real anymore? At what point does abuse become life, or is life itself just pure abuse. I'm so lost, there's no map or compass. Am I the fraud or them? The line is so blurred, I'm not sure where it is any more or if there was one to begin with. I don't even think my mind and memories are mine anymore, they're are just open for anyone else to play with and skew. I'm just here for everyone to play with and skew. I don't even think I am a person. Who even am I? Can I be trusted to write any of this?

#confused #fraud #fake #lost

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spaceyshideaway · 6 months

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House of Cards

Ah, home sweet home – or, in my case, home terrifying home. Growing up in my run-down abode was like starring in a dark comedy, complete with a dysfunctional cast that would give the Addams Family a run for their money.

Picture this: I was the girl in the window, like a melancholic Disney character minus the whimsical soundtrack. While other kids were out playing, I perfected the art of isolation, learning to be content with just staring at the clouds. Two younger brothers graced our peculiar household, but alas, our family dynamics were about as connected as Wi-Fi in a haunted house. Non-existent.

Dad, the elusive workaholic, was a rare sighting at home. And when he was, his tired or angry aura put up a "Do Not Disturb" sign. Mom, a master of the disappearing act, was either sleeping or in a committed relationship with her cigarettes and weed. Breakfast and dinner were served, but emotional support? Well, that was asking for the moon. Plus, I'm quite sure the meals were there to hush us up or with my dad in mind

My brothers, those enigmatic beings, were like riddles wrapped in mystery. I was their sister, so naturally, they wanted nothing to do with me. Yet, in the twisted web of family ties, they were all I had. Eventually, I became an expert at the solo act, escaping into the digital realm to find comfort and friendship. Virtual friends: 1, Family connections: 0.

Fast forward to my teen years, when the sitcom took a darker turn. My mere existence seemed to trigger the family chaos button. Once, I skipped my group therapy meeting, and the fallout was worthy of a Shakespearean tragedy. Dad, in a moment of misguided concern, decided my throat needed a hug. Who knew teenage rebellion came with a side of near-asphyxiation? The fun part: I had to clear my dad's guilt by providing him with acceptance and understanding. "Of course, it wasn't your fault Dad. I should've known I couldn't walk home. I'm so sorry for thinking I was grown."

But wait, it gets better – or worse, depending on your sense of humor. I once got into an argument and Dad broke my bed in a fit of rage, and to this day, I can't recall the crime that warranted such furniture destruction. Sleeping on a twin-sized air mattress became my nightly adventure for about a year until a friend mercifully gifted me a used futon. I don't think I had a proper bed until my 17th or 18th birthday. Before that, it was always hand-me-downs from my brother's old bed (did I mention I was the oldest, and somehow I was getting the hand-me-downs) or having to share one with my grandmother. Happy 17th or 18th birthday to me, indeed.

The pièce de résistance? My father's selective amnesia. Last New Year's, in a stellar display of inebriation, he declared he'd never laid a finger on us, physically speaking. Cue my internal laugh track, complete with flashbacks of all the hits and bashings I endured. Smiling through it all, I played the role of family healer, a position I apparently secured for life.

But hey, amidst the chaos and broken beds, I never became an emotional icicle. While my family mantra was "blood is thicker than water," I embarked on a quest for love and comfort that led me to dark places with even darker characters. I clung to the hope of finding warmth in a world that seemed colder than a polar bear's pajamas.

Even now, I shower my family with an abundance of myself, a habit ingrained since childhood. Yet, I'm learning to let go, preparing for the day when I might hit the "no contact" button. Terrifying? Absolutely. But I cling to the dream of a home that is stronger than this house of cards.

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spaceyshideaway · 6 months

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𝐻𝒾𝓉𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝑅𝑒𝓈𝓉𝒶𝓇𝓉 𝐵𝓊𝓉𝓉𝑜𝓃

When reflecting on my life, I realized it was nothing but a Sisyphean journey. Obstacle after obstacle, and just when I think I've made it to the top and can finally breathe, my boulder will fall back down the mountain... pulling me down to hell like a deadly ball and chain. As Ellis Grey once said, "The carousel never stops turning. You can never get off." Life goes on regardless of whether you are ready, and there is no time to catch up. Therefore, I have decided to take charge of my life. I will explore the depths of the universe, wander far and wide, and try to understand why I have always felt like the universe's punching bag.

I am hitting the restart button and erasing my past. I believe that it is important to learn from your past, but if you let it define you, can you really consider it your past? My past has never been a shadow; it has always been mixed with the present, and I could never walk away from it. Today, I am reclaiming myself, and I am becoming someone else. I will learn to carry myself like the person I aspire to be.

With this, I have three goals:

Become healthy, both physically and mentally

Improve my financial situation

Gain self-love and confidence

I will become the best version of myself, I already see a therapist but it's time to find a psychiatrist, a primary doctor, and lastly overcome my worst fear... a dentist. This will be a challenge, I have had a huge fear of the dentist since I was 16, and they drilled into my teeth without proper numbing... I felt EVERYTHING. However, the person I want to be has great health and does not let fear control her, so a dentist appointment will come but first let's do the easy part!

I used to be extremely resilient. Started working at 16, in order to be able to have money to get away from my house. My father was always more inclined to help out my brothers so I knew from an early age that if I wanted to do anything in life, I had to provide it for myself. I think the best example of this was when I had to work for over a year to save up enough money to pay for college while my father paid for my brother's tuition. Anyways, COVID eventually came and my hours got cut at my job, and I had to drop out. Going from working 50 hours a week as well as attending school full-time, I had my first major manic episode. I never fully recovered and created a long list of job instability and mental instability. It's time to change that, in February I am starting a certificate program that will improve my qualifications to expand my career options. Until then, let's just get a job that will pay the bills.

Lastly, I want to know what it feels like to walk into a room and not feel small. I want to stand tall, with grace and flair. I want to be a powerful force of nature that leads with empathy and confidence. I want to take pictures of myself again, and not only walk the earth but leave a mark. It's hard to make an impact when I am constantly sitting in the corners or just not even showing up. I let clothes wear me and hide me, I try my best not to exist or step on toes. I put myself last because I believe other people will always be better than me. I'm not saying I want to be better than anyone, but I am saying that I just want to allow myself to exist unapologetically.

This is the beginning of my journey and the reclaiming of my power. I invite you to come watch, or if you are feeling up to it... come hit the restart button with me and we can guide each other. This is the community I want to build, and I hope to see you in it.