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#+ with anxiety and depression issues and not having any sort of... thing to hold on hope for. no support friends.

mononijikayu · 11 days

Text

“beautiful boy (darling boy)” — gojo satoru.

“Papa chose the character for you. It means 'dawn'.” He whispered to him tenderly, almost like a little lullaby. “Because you are the beginning of a new chapter for our family. You bring light and hope into our lives, just like the dawn brings a new day."

GENRE: post hidden - inventory arc (2010s)

WARNING/S: domesticity, fluff, angst, trauma, implied death, violence, romance, hurt/comfort, character death depiction of death, depictions of loss and depression, mention of pregnancy, depiction of the aftermath of birth, depiction of parenthood, depiction of blood, depiction of killing, depiction of suffering, depiction of anxiety, mention of death, mention of grief, profanity, family drama;

LISTEN: beautiful boy (darling boy) by john lennon.

NOTE: my classes were cancelled and i just played random music on my phone and this.....sort of sparked something. i sobbed to this, by the way. this might be my last one for now. i've just been frantically making these for the past few days. i'll come back after some rest!!! i love you all so much!!! <3

addendum: the character satoru chose for satoshi is '暁' which means dawn/daybreak; satoshi was born on the same day as his father in 2014.

masterlist

u s and t h e m

IF HE WAS BEING HONEST, HE DIDN’T KNOW IT WOULD COME TO THIS. He could remember it like it was yesterday, when you held out your hand and took his — placing them together on your belly. Your lilac eyes shone against his bright blue, full of wonder and anxiety. He was frozen at that moment. He was overwhelmed.

Not even his six-eyes could keep up with his emotions, his thoughts. He knew it was an accident, he knew it wasn’t something both of you planned. But he was happy. He was all too happy that he scooped you in his arms, as though you were the treasure of the world and cradled you, whispering the most loving things, loving words ever known to any being.

It was never your plan to have children, not even with the pressure from the elders of your clans. There was never the time. There was never a sense of security. WIth what Satoru was planning to do, with what dangers there’ll be — just like he had experienced in youth, none of you wanted that for your child. And you wanted to help him, you wanted to do well by him. Satoru was your lifeline, your purpose to live was his goal. Your life with him was what made your life blossom in these past few years of marriage. But that changed too, with the bludding life growing in your belly.

You both cried that night, holding each other. It was hard to comprehend that this was happening, that a child had chosen both of you. You were glad that the Tsumiki and Megumi were at a sleep-over. They didn’t need to see you both so conflicted with your joy and your worries. No kid should be burdened by such a thing as the worries of the heavy world.

The room was dimly lit, the soft glow of evening casting long shadows on the walls. Satoru sat across from you, his cerulean eyes reflecting a myriad of emotions—excitement, concern, and a fierce determination to protect. The news of your pregnancy had brought a bittersweet mix of joy and anxiety.

“We need to decide what to do next, darling.” Satoru said, his voice steady but laced with worry. “I don’t want you to suffer like my mother did. The multiple assassination attempts... I can’t let that happen to you.”

“We can’t tell the world, Satoru,” you said quietly with a soft nod. “The higher-ups could see this as an issue. There was a time when the passing of powers in the Gojo clan – similar to the Six-Eyes, was from father to son. They might see our child as a threat, Satoru….and I…I don’t want them to hurt our child.”

Satoru’s jaw tightened, his protective instincts kicking in. “Then we keep this between us, Megumi, and Tsumiki. My mother….maybe your mother and Aunt Arisu can help us hide this from the world too. They’ll understand the importance of keeping this secret.”

You reached out, your fingers intertwining with his. “They will. They’ve always been supportive of us…and our plans. They’ll be kind to us about this too. It is their next of kin now, after all.”

For a moment, your husband looks at you. His free hand draped across your cheek and you looked at him so lovingly, leaning your head against the warm palm of his hand. He could feel how lucky he was. How beautiful you were. His eyes lowered at your belly and felt that same warmth glowing from within you, as welcoming and loving towards the person who had helped give such life to the growing seed in your belly.

Satoru pulled you into a gentle embrace, his arms wrapping around you protectively. “I’m sorry, darling.” he murmured, his voice thick with emotion. “I’m sorry.”

You pulled back slightly, looking up at him with confusion. “Why are you apologizing?”

“Because….” he said, his voice barely above a whisper, “You’re the one who will suffer the most here, not me. The secrecy, the danger... it’s all on you. And all I can do is hold your hand. And I….”

You shook your head, resting your hand against his cheek. “Your hand is more than enough. You by my side is more than enough. All I have ever needed, all our child will ever need — is you. All they need is their father.”

“When did I ever deserve something as good as you in my life?”

You smiled at him, “Because you are good, Satoru. You’ve always been.”

“You’re the most important thing in my life.” He whispers to you, his hand on your belly. “You and our child.”

“We’re in this together, Satoru. I’m not alone in this.” You let your hand brush against his silver locks. “Because you’ll always be here, hm?”

He closed his eyes, leaning into your touch. “I love you,” he said softly, his voice trembling slightly. “I love both of you. And I’ll protect you with all I have.”

Tears welled up in your eyes, the weight of his words sinking in. “I love you too,” you whispered, feeling the strength of his love envelop you. “We’ll get through this. Together.”

The next few days were a whirlwind of planning and preparation. Your mother and Aunt Arisu were brought into the fold, their wisdom and experience invaluable in devising a plan to keep your pregnancy a secret. They promised to support you in any way they could, offering their home as a safe haven where you could hide from prying eyes.

Megumi and Tsumiki were surprisingly understanding, their loyalty to you and Satoru unwavering. They vowed to keep the secret, to protect their future sibling from the dangers that lurked in the shadows of the jujutsu world.

As the weeks turned into months, you found strength in the love and support of those around you. Satoru’s determination to protect you never wavered, his presence a constant source of comfort and reassurance. Despite the secrecy and the danger, there was a sense of hope that carried you through each day.

And in the quiet moments, when it was just the two of you, you felt a deep sense of gratitude for the love that bound you together. It was a love that would see you through the darkest of times, a love that would protect and nurture the new life growing inside you. And with Satoru by your side, you knew you could face whatever challenges lay ahead.

The days leading up to Satoru's confrontation with Sukuna were heavy with unspoken fears and silent resolutions. Each moment felt borrowed, a fragile gift that could shatter under the weight of impending doom. You moved through your days with a heightened awareness, every touch, every glance laden with meaning. The anticipation was a living thing, a constant presence that neither of you could shake.

The last time you both saw your son was during separate visits to the ancestral manor. He knew you had been there, especially when you brought Yuuji along at his request. Satoru had visited him shortly afterward, driven by an insistent need to see his boy before the impending confrontation. The weight of the world seemed lighter, if only for a moment, as he thought of his son.

Satoru could only sigh, the longing in his heart palpable. He had yearned for Suguru for the past eleven, twelve years, a constant ache that never quite faded. Yet, this longing for Suguru, as intense as it was, paled in comparison to the deep, unyielding yearning of a father. He had missed his son so much, too much. The distance, both physical and emotional, had been a torment he could hardly bear.

Satoru was certain he remembered everything about his son. The boy was a spitting image of him—silver hair that fell a bit longer, the same striking blue eyes, though his son's were even darker, like the depths of the sea. But more importantly, he recognized the essence of you in every move, every quirk, every smile. Your son might look like Satoru, but in all the ways that mattered, he was you.

Satoru adored him the most in the world. Even if he loves you, there is truly nothing that’s going to encapsulate, translate how much he loves his little boy. Your son was a constant, beautiful reminder of the bond you both shared. Your son carried your grace, your kindness, and your strength. Every time Satoru looked at him, he saw the love and unity that defined your relationship. For that, he was profoundly grateful. For that, he was happy. There was a reminder of you, of him, together in this world, encapsulated in the boy who bore the best of both of you.

And here he was, newly sealed, recovering from all of it;

All he could think about was wanting to see your dear boy.

All he could think about was wanting to embrace him again.

"I want to go to Hida," he said, his voice steady but laced with a vulnerability that made your heart ache. He looks to you softly, eyes full of yearning. “I wanna see him.”

"Are you sure?" you asked gently, searching his face for any hesitation. You purse your lips. “Satoru, it’s unsafe now. Are you sure?”

He nodded, a small, almost imperceptible smile tugging at his lips. "I want to spend as much time as possible trying to make sure our son understands that his father loves him."

You could hear the uncertainty in his voice, the doubt that gnawed at him despite his resolute exterior. "Satoru, you're a good father." you assured him, but he shook his head, his expression conflicted. “You have put your own heart at hold to protect him. He understands.”

"I don't know if I'm doing it right or wrong," he admitted, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "I love our son as much as I love Megumi, as much as I love you. But I didn't have a father growing up. Mine died when I was young, and I don't remember him very well. My mother tells me that he loved a lot, but I don't know if I believe that."

You stepped closer, placing a comforting hand on his arm. "You love our son, and that's what matters most. He's always known that, even if you haven't been able to be there as much as you wanted. He sees it because you show him.”

Satoru sighed, his gaze distant as he recalled the moments he missed, the milestones he couldn't witness firsthand. "I want to be the best father to him, darling. I want him to know he's the most beloved son. That I love him the most in the world.”

"You already are, Satoru," you whispered, leaning your head against his shoulder.

“We have to see him.” Your husband retorts back to you, a sad smile on his lips. “If this is the last chance—”

“It won’t be,” You shake your head at him. “You know that.”

“I know, but…” He sighs, resting his head against the crook of your neck. “I want to be sure. Nothing is bound, darling. I want to… I want to be able to leave him with something he can remember his old man by.”

The weight of his words pressed down on you both, the unspoken fears and the grim reality of what was to come. You could feel your throat choke up as you tried to banish the tears from your eyes. The thought of Satoru not being there hurt you.

Not only because you loved him, but because you knew your son loved him the best in the world. The thought of him becoming without the person he holds dear in the world, it tears you apart.

You want to believe that your husband was the title he was given. You knew he was strong. You believe he will overcome this. That’s why you keep putting off visiting your son. It was safer, it would be in the future that you and Satoru had fought so hard to fight for. But your husband was just a man too. A man who has a finite life and a heart too big for the world to comprehend. He was just Satoru. A husband, a father. A friend, a teacher. He was just like that.

You look at him with a guilty look. You were selfish with him, with what you said. He needed you, he needed Satoru. Your son needed you both. As much as you needed him. What is protecting him from all these dangers, if you both weren’t there to love him either?

What is loving Satoru if you can’t be there for him either? If you can’t love him properly either? You took a deep breath. You’ve made up your mind. You will not deprive him of this. You would not be selfish with this. You would let him be selfish. You would let him live as he had never before.

You held him tighter, feeling the tension in his muscles, the vulnerability he rarely showed. “You’re right. We will see him, my love.” you affirmed, your voice steady. “And we’ll make sure he knows how much he’s loved.”

Satoru’s eyes met yours, a mixture of gratitude and sorrow. “Thank you, darling.” he murmured, his voice thick with emotion. “For understanding, for always being here. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“I’m sorry, Satoru,” you whispered to him tenderly as you kissed the small of his lips. “I should have been better with this.”

“Hey, don’t be sorry. You want to protect him too, I understand.” He tells you, a small smile on his lips. “Sukuna has familiarity with Hida, I know you’re wary about it.”

You nodded, the weight of your concerns evident in your eyes. “I just want to make sure he’s safe. That we’re all safe.”

Satoru’s smile softened, and he brushed a thumb over your cheek. “We’ll keep him safe. We’ll keep everyone safe. That’s a promise.”

You smiled softly, brushing a stray strand of hair from his forehead. “We’re in this together, Satoru. Always.”

He kissed your forehead, a lingering touch that conveyed all the words he couldn’t say. “Let’s go to Hida,” he said finally. “Let’s spend this time with him, make memories that will stay with him.”

You nodded, feeling a sense of resolve settle within you. “Yes, let’s do that. We’ll make sure he knows how much he means to us.”

All of Satoru’s training was canceled for the next few days.

Everyone understood why and said nothing about any of it.

Gojo Satoru couldn’t be happier to enjoy the long trip.

Because the next he’ll get off the train, he’ll see his dear son.

ARRIVING IN HIDA WAS A REFRESHING THING. It was as though the looming war, the destruction, the suffering, did not exist. These precious days felt suspended in time, a haven of peace amidst the chaos.

Each sunrise brought with it a semblance of normalcy, a gentle reminder of the life you were fighting to protect. The air was filled with the scent of blooming flowers, and the sun cast a warm, golden glow over everything it touched.

As the days passed, you found moments of solace in the simple joys of being together. Satoru’s determination to be the best father he could be was palpable. He approached fatherhood with the same intensity and dedication he showed in his sorcery, and you admired the way he threw himself into the role with such fervor.

His playful nature shone brightly as he engaged your son in games, stories, and lessons. The bond between father and son grew stronger with each passing day, and it filled you with a sense of hope and reassurance.

Gojo Satoshi did not know much about the wider world beyond the confines of the carefully constructed life you and your family had built around him. But Satoru thought that was for the best. At his tender age, the complexities and dangers of the world could wait.

For now, Satoshi was wrapped in a cocoon of love and safety, his days filled with laughter and innocence. The little lordling of the Gojo clan had the privilege of being shielded from the harsh realities, existing in a world where he was cherished and adored.

“Young master Gojo, please do not run too much! You’ll slip!” His nurse-maid's voice rang out in a mix of concern and exasperation as she hurried after the energetic boy. Her normally composed demeanor was visibly frazzled as she struggled to keep pace with her lively charge. “Young master!”

“Heh, chase me! Chase me!” Satoshi's infectious giggle echoed through the gardens, his small feet moving quickly across the manicured lawn. His silvery hair, so much like his father's, shimmered in the sunlight, and his blue eyes sparkled with pure delight.

The scene was picturesque, the verdant greenery of the garden serving as a perfect backdrop to the boy's joy. Flowers bloomed in a riot of colors, and the gentle hum of insects added to the serene atmosphere.

Gojo Satoru watched from a distance, a soft smile playing on his lips. He saw so much of himself in Satoshi, from the boy’s boundless energy to the mischievous glint in his eyes. Yet, he also saw you in him—the kindness, the warmth, the innate ability to find joy in the simplest things.

Satoshi’s world was small but rich, filled with the love and attention of those who cared for him. He didn't know of the looming threats or the responsibilities that came with his lineage. Instead, his days were spent exploring the garden, listening to stories, and playing games. It was a simple life, but it was one that Satoru cherished deeply for his son.

The nurse-maid finally caught up to Satoshi, scooping him into her arms despite his playful wriggling. “Young master, you must be careful,” she chided gently, her tone softening as she adjusted his tousled hair. “We wouldn’t want you to get hurt. You are too important to be hurt.”

Satoshi pouted for a moment before breaking into a wide grin. “Okay, I’ll be careful,” he promised, though the twinkle in his eye suggested that he was already planning his next adventure.

“Our little lordling is too bright for the sun, huh?” Satoru approached, his presence immediately noticed by Satoshi, who reached out eagerly.

“Papa!” the boy exclaimed, his arms stretching towards his father.

With a warm chuckle, Satoru took Satoshi into his arms, lifting him high into the air. “Having fun, little lordling?” he asked, his voice filled with affection. “You were zooming out there, huh?”

“Yeah!” Satoshi replied enthusiastically. “We were playing chase, and I was winning!”

Satoru laughed, his heart swelling with love. “I’m sure you were. But remember to listen to your nurse-maid, okay? We don’t want any accidents.”

Satoshi nodded solemnly before breaking into giggles again. “I will, Papa.”

As Satoru held his son close, he couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of contentment. In these moments, the worries of the world faded away, leaving only the pure, unadulterated love between a father and his child. He knew that soon enough, Satoshi would grow older and the realities of their world would become unavoidable. But for now, he was determined to protect this innocence, to ensure that Satoshi's world remained filled with laughter and love for as long as possible.

“Let’s go find Mama,” Satoru said, carrying Satoshi back towards the house. “I’m sure she’s missed you.”

Satoshi's eyes lit up at the mention of you, and he nodded eagerly. “Yeah! Let’s go find Mama!”

The path back to the house was lined with blooming cherry blossoms, their petals gently drifting to the ground with each breeze. Satoru walked with an easy grace, his son nestled securely in his arms. The house, an elegant blend of traditional and modern architecture, stood as a sanctuary amid the chaos of the outside world.

As they approached, the soft hum of your voice reached their ears. You were in the kitchen, preparing a meal, the aroma of freshly cooked rice and simmering soup wafting through the air. Your presence was a constant source of comfort and strength, grounding Satoru in ways he often struggled to articulate.

“Mama!” Satoshi called out excitedly as they entered the kitchen.

You turned, a warm smile spreading across your face as you wiped your hands on a towel. “There’s my little troublemaker,” you said, reaching out to take Satoshi from Satoru’s arms. “Were you having fun in the garden?”

Satoshi nodded vigorously. “Yes, Mama! We played chase, and I was winning!”

You chuckled, kissing his forehead. “I’m sure you were. Did you give the nurse-maid a hard time?”

Satoshi giggled, hiding his face on your shoulder. “Maybe a little.”

Satoru watched the interaction with a tender expression. “He’s full of energy today,” he commented, stepping closer to place a hand on your back. “How are you feeling?”

You glanced up at him, your eyes filled with understanding. “Better, now that you two are here.” You looked back at Satoshi, brushing a stray lock of hair from his forehead. “Were you good for Papa?”

“Yes, Mama,” Satoshi replied earnestly. “Papa said we should always listen to nurse-maid.”

You smiled, giving Satoru an appreciative look. “That’s right. It’s important to be careful.”

Satoru's gaze softened as he watched you interact with Satoshi. Despite the looming threat of Sukuna, these moments of normalcy and love filled him with a fierce determination to protect his family at all costs.

“Dinner will be ready soon,” you said, turning back to the stove. “Why don’t you two wash up?”

Satoshi wriggled in your arms, eager to comply. “Come on, Papa!” he urged, pulling at Satoru’s hand.

“Alright, alright,” Satoru laughed, letting himself be led towards the bathroom. As he helped Satoshi wash his hands, he marveled at how such simple acts could bring so much joy.

After washing up, they returned to the kitchen where you had set the table. The meal was a humble but hearty spread, the kind that brought warmth and comfort to the soul. Satoru helped Satoshi into his chair before taking his own seat beside you.

As you all sat down to eat, Satoshi’s chatter filled the room, his stories animated and full of wonder. Satoru listened with rapt attention, his heart swelling with pride and love. He reached out to squeeze your hand under the table, a silent promise that he would do everything in his power to keep this happiness intact.

After dinner, you all settled in the living room. Satoshi, full and content, curled up next to you on the couch, his little head resting on your lap. Satoru sat beside you, his arm draped over your shoulders. The room was bathed in the soft glow of the evening light, casting a serene ambiance over the scene.

Satoru looked at you, his cerulean eyes filled with a mixture of love and determination. “We’re going to be okay,” he said softly, his voice steady. “No matter what happens, we’ll face it together.”

You nodded, leaning into his embrace. “Together,” you echoed, your hand resting gently on Satoshi’s back.

“Papa, let’s go!” Satoshi’s eyes sparkled with excitement, his little hand tugging at Satoru’s sleeve.

“Hm? Where, little lordling?” Satoru asked, his voice warm with affection.

“The koi pond!” Satoshi replied eagerly, his enthusiasm infectious.

Satoru looked at you, seeking your opinion. You nodded and offered him a warm smile. “Why not? It’s too nice today and it’s refreshing after a long play, don’t you think?”

“I suppose.” Your husband nodded to you before turning his attention back to your son, his grin widening. “Does my little lordling want to be carried by papa, or is he wanting to be a big boy and walk?”

Satoshi puffed out his chest with pride, his tiny hands clenched into determined fists. “I’ll walk, Papa! I’m a big boy!”

Satoru chuckled, patting Satoshi’s head affectionately. “That’s my boy. Lead the way, then.”

The three of you made your way to the koi pond, the garden bathed in the golden glow of the moonshine The air was filled with the gentle rustle of leaves and the soft chirping of owls settling down for the evening. It was a tranquil scene, a stark contrast to the turbulent world outside your home.

The tranquil scene was framed by vibrant greenery and the soft murmur of a nearby stream. They were watching the koi fish swim lazily in the pond, their colorful scales glinting in the moonlight. Your son was immediately chattering excitedly about something he’d learned, his voice a melodic blend of enthusiasm and curiosity. Satoru listened intently, a fond smile playing on his lips.

Satoshi skipped ahead, his laughter ringing out like a melody. You and Satoru followed at a leisurely pace, hand in hand, savoring the peaceful moment.

As you reached the koi pond, Satoshi knelt by the water's edge, his eyes wide with wonder as he watched the colorful fish swim gracefully. “Look, Papa! The fish are so pretty!”

Satoru crouched beside him, pointing out different koi. “See that one with the golden scales? That’s the king of the pond. And that one over there, with the red spots, is the queen.”

Satoshi’s eyes sparkled with delight as he listened intently to Satoru’s explanations. “Can we feed them, Papa?”

Satoru glanced at you, and you smiled, pulling out a small container of fish food from your pocket. “Here you go, Satoshi. Just a little bit at a time, okay?”

Satoshi nodded eagerly, carefully taking the container from you and sprinkling a small amount of food into the pond. The koi fish swarmed to the surface, their mouths opening and closing as they devoured the food. Satoshi giggled with delight, clapping his hands together.

“Papa, did you know that koi fish can live for over 200 years?” your son exclaimed, his eyes wide with wonder.

Satoru nodded, his gaze never leaving your son’s animated face. “Really? That’s amazing, buddy. Imagine all the stories they could tell.”

Your son giggled, the sound pure and joyful. “Maybe they know magic, too!”

Satoru’s smile widened, his eyes sparkling with amusement. “Maybe they do. Maybe they’re the guardians of secret underwater realms.”

You and Satoru stood back, watching your son with fond smiles. “He’s growing up so fast.” you murmured, leaning into Satoru’s side. "Almost four already. He's not our baby anymore, hm?"

“He still is, y'know?” Satoru hummed, his arm wrapping around your shoulders. “but you're right. Soon, he’s going to grow up strong. Our beautiful boy, he’s always going to be loved, too.”

“This is perfect,” you whispered, leaning your head against Satoru’s shoulder. The warmth of his body and the steady beat of his heart grounded you, reminding you of the strength you found in each other. “This is everything we could ever want.

“It is.” Satoru agreed, his voice low and filled with emotion. “Everything is more than I imagined.”

As the moon echoed below the horizon, casting a warm evening glow over the garden, the three of you stood by the koi pond, savoring the simple joys of family and the promise of a future filled with love and hope. All Gojo Satoru had to do was defeat Sukuna. All he had to do was get this over with. Then all will be over. He’ll get to be with you. He’ll get to be with Satoshi. You could be a family in peace.

Gojo Satoru wouldn’t be the strongest then.

He could just be himself, he could just be this.

He could just be your husband, Satoshi’s father.

He can be a human being for the first time in his life.

“Papa, can we stay here forever?” your son asked suddenly, his eyes wide with innocence. Both of you look at him. “You and mama, can we all be here together?”

Your son's innocent question hung in the air, a poignant reminder of the simplicity of childhood dreams. Satoru's gaze softened as he looked down at your son, his expression a mixture of tenderness and wistfulness. It was a question that held a weight far beyond its years, touching on the deepest desires of the heart.

For a moment, neither of you knew quite how to respond. The idea of staying in this tranquil moment forever, frozen in time with your family by your side, was undeniably tempting. Yet, reality loomed on the horizon, with its uncertainties and responsibilities.

Satoru exchanged a glance with you, silently communicating the depth of his emotions. There was a longing in his eyes, a yearning for a life free from the burdens of duty and danger. But beneath it all, there was a fierce determination to protect what mattered most—your family.

With a gentle smile, you reached out and ruffled your son's hair. "We'll always be together, Satoshi. No matter what happens, we'll find a way to stay together."

Satoru's hand found yours, his grip reassuring and firm. "That's right, little lordling. We'll always be here for you, no matter where life takes us."

Your son's eyes sparkled with happiness at your reassurance, his small hand reaching out to clasp both of yours. "Promise?"

You exchanged a knowing look with Satoru, his expression mirroring your own determination. "Promise," you both said in unison, sealing the vow with a tender smile

The soft glow of moonlight filtered through the curtains, casting gentle shadows across the room as you lay entwined with your husband and son. In the tranquil silence of the night, you could hear the steady rhythm of their breathing, a comforting reminder of the love that bound you together.

Wrapped in the warmth of each other's embrace, you felt a profound sense of contentment wash over you. It was in these quiet moments, surrounded by the ones you held most dear, that you found solace from the chaos of the outside world. Here, in the sanctuary of your shared love, you felt invincible, ready to face whatever challenges awaited you.

As you closed your eyes and drifted off to sleep, a serene smile graced your lips. In the arms of your beloved family, you knew that no matter what trials lay ahead, you would overcome them with unwavering strength and unwavering love.

“Satoru, my love.” you whispered, your hand entwined with his. “Thank you for being here. For being with us.”

He turned to you, his eyes filled with love. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be, darling. You and our son… you’re my everything.”

You smiled, feeling the warmth of his words seep into your heart. “And you’re ours. Always.”

The days turned into weeks, and the time for Satoru’s confrontation with Sukuna drew closer. But instead of being consumed by fear, you found strength in the love that surrounded you. The bond you shared with Satoru, the love you had for your son, and the support of your family gave you the courage to face whatever lay ahead.

On the last evening before Satoru was to leave with you, the three of you all gathered under the stars, the night sky a blanket of twinkling lights above you. Your son sat on Satoru’s lap, his head resting against his father’s chest.

“Papa, will you come back soon?” he asked, his voice small and filled with hope.

Satoru hugged him tightly, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “I’ll do everything I can to come back to you, buddy. You and your mama are my entire world. Papa can’t live without any of you.”

Your son nodded, content with his father’s promise. “Me too, papa.”

“Hm?”

“I can’t live without you and mama.” Your son whispers to his father, wiping his father’s tears tenderly. Satoru blinked at his son’s act. “So papa has to do well and come back, with mama?”

In that tender moment, the depth of the bond between father and son was palpable. Satoru's heart swelled with emotion as he gazed into his son's earnest eyes, filled with a love so pure and unconditional it took his breath away. With a lump in his throat, he tightened his embrace, savoring the warmth of his son's small body pressed against his own.

His voice was thick with emotion as he replied, "I promise, buddy. I'll do everything in my power to come back to you and mama. You both mean the world to me, and I can't bear the thought of being without you."

Your son's response was equally heartfelt, his voice soft yet resolute. "I believe in you, papa. We'll be waiting for you, always."

You leaned against Satoru, drawing comfort from his presence. “I love you so much.”

He takes a breath. “I love you too. With everything in me.”

The night was quiet, filled with the gentle sounds of nature and the steady rhythm of your hearts beating in unison. As you closed your eyes, Satoru whispered a silent prayer, to any god listening above. If there ever was one. He prayed.

He wished that he could come home. He wished that he could be with you. He wished that he could watch Satoshi grow up. He wishes for that dream, for that hope, to come true.

That’s what all he could see as he lay there.

Shoko Ieiri looked him in the eyes as he struggled.

He smiles at her and then you, puddle full of tears.

“I love you.” He choked. “You and Satoshi, I love you.”

From faraway Hida, a boy sits by the koi pond and prays.

“I hope that my mama and papa return to good health soon.”

flashback epilogue

The hospital room was cast in a gentle, dim light, creating a serene atmosphere that belied the intensity of the recent events. Satoru sat on the edge of the bed, his broad shoulders relaxed yet filled with a quiet strength as he cradled his newborn son, little Gojo Satoshi, against his chest.

With delicate care, he adjusted the soft blankets around little Satoshi, ensuring his newborn son was warm and comfortable. Despite the fatigue evident in his eyes, there was a palpable sense of wonder and tenderness in Satoru's touch as he looked down at the tiny bundle in his arms.

Meanwhile, you lay nearby, your form softened by the relief of finally finding respite after the long and arduous hours of labor. Your face, though etched with exhaustion, held a serene expression, a testament to the profound sense of fulfillment that accompanied the arrival of your precious child.

In that quiet moment, amidst the hushed sounds of the hospital room, the bond between parent and child blossomed, enveloping the room in an aura of warmth and love that seemed to transcend time itself. Satoru couldn’t be happier to carry his whole world in his arms.

Gazing down at the tiny bundle in his arms, Satoru felt a surge of overwhelming love wash over him. With a soft smile, he leaned in close to Satoshi's ear, whispering words of welcome and affection.

"Welcome to the world, my beautiful boy." Satoru murmured, his voice filled with warmth. "D’you know what your name is? What it means?”

The little boy cooed at his father’s words.

Satoru laughed softly, looking at him lovingly.

He was already so attentive towards his father.

“Mama and I decided together, y’know? Your name just had to be Satoshi.” Satoru takes a deep breath, smiling as the baby cooes again. “You’re satisfied, hm? But you’ll like the spelling more, little man.”

Satoru could only feel overwhelmed by what he felt.

He could only feel nothing but joy, nothing but elation.

The dawn was breaking, as it always had before this moment.

But now, where his own dawn was in his hands, he just smiled.

There was a louder coo this time around.

He was more than happy, Satoru thinks.

And he couldn’t be happier than this moment.

This beautiful boy, his darling boy, his dawn.

Satoru pressed a gentle kiss to Satoshi's forehead, marveling at the precious life he held in his arms. "I love you so much, my son," he whispered, his heart overflowing with love and joy at the arrival of their little miracle. “My little dawn.”

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i-yap · 10 days

Text

Disorders batboys s/o have( dick and jason ver)

Im a psychology student and i think everyone in this world has some symptoms if not full blown disorders. I also struggle with GAD and I have worked in 2 psychiatric hospitals so far in one I got a lot of readings+ 2 months , 8hrs on weekdays hospital shifts in 4 sectors. I don't mean to offend anyone but if you have a certain disorder it does determine a lot of your personality traits and therefore make you incompatible with certain types of people. this is just a " oh I think the batboys could take care or be compatible with someone with this disorder enough to not hamper their healing "

Anyways..(im so scared to post this)

Dick grayson- mood disorders (major depressive diroder. bipolar disorder, seasonal depression, burnout)

Dick is this silent mother hen sort of figure. he loves taking care of others, it fills him with altruistic feelings and helps him feel needed. Someone with a mood disorder needs someone they can go and be sad with without feeling judged. Dick understands that burnt out feeling really well. He understands how sometimes you just want to let your feelings go through you. He is warm sunshine personified, joyful calm and reliable. He likes taking care of you, the small quiet moments. He will find small personal ways to make your mood a little more bearable however he can without overwhelming you.

"he comes back from his crime fighting to find you in bed. he recognizes your mood instantly. slowly approaching you and gently kissing you awake .

"hey baby ", "youre back dickie" "mhm how long have you been in bed?" " I don't know" "I'm starting a bath, would you like to join me" "I don't really feel like moving" "ill carry you" ."

Jason todd- anxiety disorders ( generalized anxiety disorder(gad), phobia, panic attacks, separation anxiety disorder(sad))

gad- the fact that jason literally fights crime every night and is super impulsive/doesnt care about his safety, so seeing you almost ripping your head off from worry for him not only warms his heart ( he thinks you hate him and struggles to believe that YOU could give someone like him any attention but here you are) but also makes him take better care of himself for your sake. he hates seeing you worried but he loves calming you down. holding your hands tight, replecating meditation style breathing and mindfulness practices. kissing you overthinking head. hugging you when you stress cry, giving you massages.

Phobia- he understands triggers better than anyone else, he will be your big bad protector making sure to help you avoid the item that's causing you phobia. holding your hand and hiding you behind him if you have social anxiety, making sure to avoid triggering environments if you have agoraphobia, killing all snakes in the world if you have a phobia of them( he seriously suggests it but you stop him cuz it'll hurt the ecosystem)

Panic attacks- he has them too, either you have learned a way to deal with them and teach him or he has learned a way to deal with them and helps you . if he hasn't before meeting you, he has a new much stronger motivation to learn techniques or medication that can help deal with them for your sake and therefore also accelerate his healing

seperation anxiety-.. he has it too so like.( ik its more common in kids but adult sad is also a thing) both of you are clingy, its a win win for you two , fuck the rest of the world

again this is just my opinion okay? don't make mental health a taboo , if this post was about batboys x blind! y/n no one would have an issue. mental health is a condition and sometimes its out of our control, it depends on so many factors. Its nothing to be ashamed or scared of.

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bethdutten · 2 years

Text

I Won’t Break

words: 1k-ish

summary: Just a few moments that reminded Bucky why he loved you.

a/n: a tiny lil drabble to get me back into writing lol

The thing Bucky loved the most about you, is that you didn’t treat him like he was breakable like everyone else.

He finally got why Steve used to get so upset when people treated him differently because of his illnesses and smaller frame. Bucky never did; that must have been why Steve kept him around even when he could be a jackass sometimes.

When Bucky got back from Wakanda and was accepted by (most) of the team after Shuri managed to erase all the HYDRA brainwashing from his mind, he hated how everyone acted around him. He’d been through this before; when Steve saved him in Azzano, he’d been tortured and isolated and drugged, yet he still went back into war with him. And he was good. But everyone treated him like he was damaged and fragile now.

Except you. The first time you met, he knew you were different.

It was in the conference room, Tony sending death glares over as Bucky tried not to cower behind Steve, despite being terrified that any of these people with guns would shoot at him any second. Not that he didn’t deserve it. As Steve introduced everyone, they all stared at him with looks ranging from anger to curiosity to fear. He should be used to it.

What he was not used to was when Steve got to you, and you looked him up and down, whistled, and breathed out, “He’s hot.”

Bucky blushed, biting back a smile when Sam punched your arm.

“What? He is,” you hissed, shrugging. “Just because he’s a brainwashed assassin means I can’t think he’s hot?”

Steve glared, but you just send Bucky a wink, and he smiled for the first time in a very, very long time.

It wasn’t that you weren’t sensitive to his issues-- on the contrary, you always seemed to know what he needed before even he did. You held him through every nightmare, stayed up with him on nights he didn’t trust himself to close his eyes for fear of what he would see behind them, sat with him through all the times he got sick because the meds Bruce worked on to combat both his depression and anxiety needed fine-tuning to get past the serum-- he didn’t know what he did to deserve you.

You pushed him, knew just where the boundary was, never forcing him too far into something he wasn’t ready for. He thinks most of his progress was due to you, encouraging him and supporting him even when he didn’t believe in himself. Like on missions, where Steve and Tony tried to hold him back, you did the opposite.

“I think we should send Bucky.” you inserted, tossing down the folder with the mission brief.

Steve frowned, shaking his head. “Definitely not. This is HYDRA’s top guys, they could recognize him.”

You shrugged. “Exactly. Send him in there dressed as the Winter Soldier, he can infiltrate their group and take them down before they even realize he’s not on their side.”

“Fuck no,” Steve hissed. “I’m not going to put him through that, are you crazy?” You were expecting this sort of reaction from Steve, but it still earned him an eye roll from you.

Bucky hesitantly stood, looking between his girlfriend and best friend. “Uh, I’m with Steve on this one--”

You glanced over at Bucky, eyes softening immediately. “Look, I know this will probably traumatize you--” Steve went to interrupt, but you raised your hand and continued speaking, “Or... it could be a chance for us to use the Soldier for good. All that bad stuff about him? Use it to take HYDRA down. Only you can do that, Bucky. Make them regret turning you into the thing that would take them down.”

“I said no,” Steve interjected, looking at Bucky like he was waiting for him to back his captain up. It was his friend’s call, ultimately. Bucky glanced back to you, and you just nodded. He remembered the first conversation you had with him alone, before you’d even started dating.

“I don’t think you were ever the Winter Soldier, Bucky,” you’d said, voice low as an episode of The Office droned on in the background. It was past midnight, and the Tower was quiet. “I think you were always this talented, loyal, protective and smart soldier, but they convinced you to fight for the wrong side. If you took all those skills and used them for good, you’d be unstoppable. Bucky Barnes is unstoppable.”

He searched your eyes for any signs of doubt, but only saw trust. You thought he could do this. You wouldn’t send him in there if you didn’t.

“Okay.” he agreed, ignoring the frustrated huff Steve let out. “But if something goes wrong, you take me out. I mean it, as many shots as it takes, doesn’t let me hurt anyone else.”

You just smiled, leaning up and giving him a kiss. “Won’t need to, baby. You’ve got this.”

And he did. After a slight panic attack after putting on the Winter Soldier uniform, he remembered what you told him, and talked himself down, then let himself slip into the mind of the Soldier. Except this time, he kept reminding himself he needed to come home to you.

He took down two thirds of HYDRA in one mission, singlehandedly.

And if, god forbid, you do treat him like he should be handled with care, Bucky can get a little snarky. Like the one time you tried to spare him some anxiety and suggested skipping Tony’s stupid annual Avengers gala.

You zipped up your dress, giving him one more look before you picked up your purse. “Buck, we can just stay home. Really, I don’t--”

“Would you quit it? Stop treating me like I’m some fragile little kid, I won’t break!” he snapped, angrily yanking at his bowtie before giving up and throwing it down.

You sighed, leaning down and picking it up before stepping in and wrapping it around his neck to tie it for him. “I’m not acting like you’re going to break, but I will start treating you like a kid if you don’t grow the fuck up.”

Bucky stared down at you in disbelief, about to yell at you when his eyes suddenly drifted to your lips. “Will you break?”

You paused, knowing exactly where his mind was going. Abandoning the bowtie and sliding your hands down the front of his tux instead, you shrugged. “Wanna find out?”

“Fuck,” Bucky growled, hitching you up in his arms and pinning you against the nearest wall without a second thought. Needless to say, you didn’t end up going to the gala after all.

You always reminded him how special and good he was. Even in ways he would have never guessed. Like winters in New York, right after you moved in together.

“Jesus, Bucky, your arm is freezing,” you groaned, shoving it off you from where he had placed it over your middle.

Bucky rolled his eyes. “What do you want me to do about it? I wanna hold my girl—“

“Then take it off.”

He froze, looking down at your soft form curled up beside him. “Take it off?”

You snorted, shifting over to stare up at him blearily. “Yeah, you can do that, right?”

Of course he could just take it off. But no one has ever asked him to. Or asked if he wanted to. He just assumed people would get freaked out if he didn’t have it on. Especially you.

You watched him eyeing you carefully, before you rolled your eyes and gave him a fond smile. “I didn’t suddenly forget my boyfriend was an amputee, Buck. If it doesn’t bother you, please take it off and come cuddle me.”

It occurred to him that sometimes even he forgot he was an amputee. He gave you one last look, then reached over and pressed the series of buttons on the back of his shoulder then disengaged the arm, carefully unattached it and resting it on the chair beside the bed.

“Usually when you tell me to ‘take it off’, this isn’t what you mean,” he mumbled, a quiet snicker coming from the pile of blankets you were burrowed in. He slid back under the covers, waiting for you to recoil or edge away from him, but you just tucked yourself in the space where his arm used to be and grumbled, “Much better,” before dozing off again.

God, he loved you.

#bucky #Bucky Barnes #james bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky fanfic #bucky x you #bucky x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes fluff

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darkestcorners · 2 years

Text

darknets | 03 yandere!jungkook au

pairing: yandere!jungkook x reader (f)

genre: yandere

warnings: 18+, obsessive & unhealthy behavior, spying, non-consensual videotaping, tormenting, graphic violence,( TW; human trafficking, heavy themes, non-con touching/groping, mentions of physical abuse )

word count: 14.5k

Playlist

A/N; i just want to make it clear, im no expert in criminology so forgive me if there’s inaccuracies, I tried to do my best with research but it’s purely fiction!

summary: You should’ve known better than to chat with strangers online…

Parts: 01 / 02 / 03

The paper cup was held tightly in his hand. He had dropped a tea bag inside , Chamomile. It usually helped with nerves. He watched the girl through the glass, she didn’t look particularly nervous but she did look distraught. The dark eye bags gave away the limited sleep she must have endured, her oversized hoodie making her look smaller than she really was. The added bad posture wasn’t helping either. Her shoulders were slumped, her arms resting on the table in front of her as she stared down at her hands.

Detective Namjoon sighed, opening the door which immediately caused her to turn her head over to him. He gave her a reassuring smile, passing her the cup as he seated himself across from her. His long limbs sat a bit awkwardly on the small chair but he squared his shoulders nonetheless.

“I understand you said she had been acting a little strange for the past few days.” He stated, maintaining a steady gaze on the girl.

“Did she have any mental health issues that you know of? Was she struggling with depression, anxiety or anything of the sort?”

Mina swallowed, bringing her eyebrows together in feigned concernment.

“No, not that I know of.” She explained, letting out another shaky breath. “ It’s just, she was acting really paranoid like, just off, you know?”

Namjoon listened, nodding slowly as another question sat on his tongue.

“Was she scared of someone perhaps? An ex-boyfriend, someone she was romantically involved with?”

“No, I mean the last boyfriend she had was over a year ago and he transferred to another college months ago.” Mina shook her head, then hesitated a bit. “But-“

The detective raised an eyebrow in question, eyes darting around her face as he silently urged her to continue.

“But..?” He added quietly, the girl seemed to be unsure of herself which wasn’t always a good sign. The behavior usually signaled she was holding back, knew a bit more than she was willing to confidently say or was afraid of saying it.

“She had a crush, a guy in our college.” She replied, frowning slightly. “ Jaehyun. I don’t why I brought it up, it’s just a stupid crush.”

Namjoon tilted his head, wondering if the girl really had just brought him up at the sudden topic of her friend’s romantic life or because she suspected him somehow.

It seemed to be an over-analysis on his part but he knew not much was out of the question when it came to missing person cases.

This could be nothing or it could be a lead.

“Did they ever hook up? Form a deeper relationship? Any red flags that you noticed?”

“I don’t think so.” Mina shrugged, looking conflicted as she seemed to try and recall the details. Her eyes were still bloodshot and dried tears stained her cheeks. It made for a pitiful scene, the scene of a girl who looked like she was imagining the worst case scenario regarding her missing best friend.

“I just want you to understand how important it is that you tell me everything.” Namjoon emphasized, leaning forward in the chair, causing it to squeak against the floor.

“You are the last person she contacted, I’m sure you know how pivotal that is.” He brought his hands together, tone light but persuasive. “ You are her closest friend, you may know things she may never have even told her parents.”

Mina bit her lip, her eyes becoming glossy again as tears threatened to spill. It was fortunate she was such an easy crier, her cousin had mentioned time and time again how much of a wonderful actress she was but she hated when Jungkook said that.

It made it seem like there was truly nothing beating inside her, like every action was calculated and void of any real emotion. But it wasn’t like that, she wasn’t like Junglook who never let emotions get in the way of the business. A part of her did ache for her friend, ached with guilt of what she had done to her. Ached even more for the uncertain future that faced her and what Jungkook planned on doing to her.

Her cousin was never the gentle or the understanding type. Jungkook had always been ill-tempered , even when they were children. She remembered how much he loved teasing her, borderline bullying her at times. A particular instance was when she was playing with her dolls, combing their hair and pampering them. Jungkook had come up beside her seemingly just being nosey until he had snatched up the dolls and ran outside with them. Mina remembered chasing him around the small rundown apartment building , yelling at him to give them back but he never did.

The next morning when she went outside, she had found them all tied up on a tree branch, their bodies hanging upside down without their heads.

When she had cried to Jungkook about it, he simply told her to get over it and that she should never get attached to useless things. He was cynical even at such a young age and she wondered if the incident had somehow been foreshadowing of what the future would hold for him. For both of them.

But then she also remembered how much Jungkook taught her how to defend herself, to stand up to anyone who would try to walk over her. He had always defended her, no matter how mean he was most of the time. She didn’t see him that often as kids, maybe if she had, he would have grown to be more sympathetic or not nearly as rough. But Jungkook was in and out of foster homes like she was, they unfortunately were always separated since they weren’t siblings , only cousins. It caused them to only be able to occasionally visit each other until their grandparents had finally taken full custody of them both when they entered high school.

She supposed this life was unavoidable considering their less than fortunate backgrounds, a life filled with deceit, dirty money and betrayal.

“I know,” Mina told the detective, letting the tears fall. “I promise I’ll tell you anything I can, just please find her.”

She sniffed, raising her head and winced instantly. The blow to her head you had inflicted on her when attempting to escape was brutal, she had bled a significant amount but the medical staff insisted she wouldn’t need stitches. The pain still weighed heavy on her head, she had taken aspirin twice already on the long drive back into town but it was as if she hadn’t taken any at all.

Her head was bound to feel awful for at least a couple more days.

She would admit she wasn’t the least bit surprised by the strength you had mustered up to throw her against that wall. She knew you always had a fight in you, you were not weak or easily afraid.

And that’s exactly why she feared for you in Jungkook’s hands.

“You okay?” Namjoon asked, observing her closely.

“Yeah,” Mina assured, adapting a higher pitch tone. “ My head is just killing me, I haven’t slept that good with everything…going on.”

“I understand.” He leaned back, nodding to himself as weighed over his options.

He didn’t want to break it to the girl at the moment but unfortunately, the case was having trouble being a top priority considering the missing person was of age. People tended to leave or travel somewhere without saying a word, that was just a fact. While he himself wasn’t convinced that was the case, as he found it rare for a young college girl to seemingly disappear with a fatally ill father and limited money in her bank account, he knew it could easily be looked over by his team.

They had tracked her card activity and it had not been used once which would usually incline she most likely was not on a simple trip or fleeing.

But it wasn’t enough to completely rule out the possibility , there were cases where people didn’t use their cards in fear of being tracked down by family members. However, her phone was also non-traceable which raised a bit more concern.

“You’ll find her right?” Mina pressed, a practiced and carefully constructed look of pure agony flashing through her features.

“You can’t let her become one of the many missing girls that never get found or worse, it’s always too late and they end up…” The girl’s voice wavered as she took a breath. “ dead.”

The detective looked away at the sight of her never ending tears, his face pinching in frustration.

“I promise I’ll try my best for that to not be the case.” A look of determination crossed his eyes, his tone stern. “ Why don’t you go get some rest? I’ll let you know if there’s any updates or if I need more information.”

Mina gave him a slow nod, shakily taking the cup from the table at last and bringing it to her chapped lips.

Namjoon lifted himself off the chair and made his way out the interrogation room. The door clicked shut behind him as he walked forward and stood in front of the glass, looking through the case file and the new notes he had gathered up.

“Anything?” His colleague asked him, the shorter and significantly grumpier detective came to stand next to him with a questioning glance. His black hair was brushed back, revealing his handsome pale face that held a somber expression.

“Not much Yoongi, the friend basically told me the same thing her parents did. The girl doesn’t suffer from any mental disorders, she had a pretty normal life, decent friends and no seeming reason to flee town.” Namjoon explained.

Yoongi nodded, taking a look through the glass and examining the girl.

“She did mention she was acting pretty off a few days before though, paranoid it seems.” Namjoon adds with a frown.

Yoongi’s gaze slowly leaves the girl to land back on his partner, he seems to process the information before he voices his thoughts.

“You mentioned her father is terminally ill and the family isn’t in the best financial situation, could she have possibly run off to find some money? Shady business?” The detective offered.

“Possibly but why wouldn’t she at least tell her friends? Unless she was doing something very illegal.” Namjoon thought it out, suddenly considering the idea more before another thought crossed his mind.

“There’s another thing, it’s probably nothing but the friend mentioned some crush, a guy named Jaehyun. She seemed a little weird about him.”

Yoongi’s eyebrows knitted together at the information and it was clear both detectives were thinking the same thing.

“A crush? Nothing more?”

“The friend denied it but she looked unsure of her answer, like she really didn’t know the full length of the relationship possibly.” Namjoon replied, eyes glued on the file in his hand.

Yoongi’s face didn’t give away much, it never really did. He had a perfected poker face and it was something that always slightly bothered the other detective for it was difficult to truly see what he was feeling or going through his head.

Suddenly, the file folder was ripped out of Namjoon's hands and he sent a glare to his colleague.

“You’re right, it could be nothing or it could be a college hook up gone terribly wrong.”

Namjoon never appreciated how drastically his partner jumped to conclusions, he supposed it was part of any detective's job to consider every possibility , no matter how unlikely it seemed but it seemed like the shorter detective always had an extreme way of working with cases with little evidence to go by.

“Looks like we need to have a talk with this Jaehyun guy.” Yoongi waved the folder in his hand before stalking away, leaving Namjoon completely flabbergasted.

As always.

—

Your skin felt sticky with sweat, you awoke with a loud gasp, inhaling the air sharply as your body sprung up. Expecting to feel the hard cushion beneath you and the familiar brick walls, you were alarmed when you realized there was no hard surface beneath you. You lay in a wide bed, soft with silk sheets and pillows that felt like mountains of clouds.

The room was large. Well, larger than the one you previously had been stuck in. Your eyes traveled to the vanity on the side, bright round bulbs lined up the mirror and all types of makeup, accessories and perfumes sat on it.

If you were being honest, part of you expected to not wake up at all, convinced that Jungkook had ultimately decided to bury a bullet inside your head after the events that took place.

It was all you had dreamed about.

The trigger going off, the image of Do-yeon’s figure just plopping onto the ground with a pool of blood to greet your knees. Whether her eyes would have fallen shut or chillingly remained opened with a soulless stare to swallow you up.

You couldn’t believe you had been willing to do that.

You couldn't believe you had almost done that if the gun had actually been loaded.

It didn’t let you rest. Do-yeon was alive, at least that’s what you thought. There was no reason for you to dwell on what could’ve been but you couldn’t help but feel like you deserved every bad thing happening to you for so willingly being ready to take someone’s life to save yourself.

“Bad dreams?” The voice was unexpected, it brought you out of your half conscious state immediately and you turned your neck to explore the layout of the room.

It was a loft-style bedroom, with a staircase to your right and at the bottom floor was evenly furnished, expensively furnished. It was wide and spacious, decorated with pretty ornaments and a neutral gray color scheme. Somehow, that made your stomach flip, such a seemingly normal room hidden within this type of foul environment was nauseating.

Your captor sat at the bottom on a sofa, legs spread out as he looked up at you.

It was then you also realized that your wrists weren’t being tugged, they didn’t burn or ache and your eyes slowly fell on them as you brought them up to your face.

You weren’t tied up.

“ Surprised?“ Jungkook spoke as he watched you with a lazy smirk.

“You shouldn’t be, ropes serve no purpose other than for punishment.” He added as he stood up with a sigh, sending you another more knowing look. “ Or maybe you like being tied up …in other ways.”

You eye him, ignoring his crude comment and frowning as you take in your surroundings one more time. That’s when it hit you to look down at yourself, your eyes slowly landing on your legs and noticing the ripped tights were no longer on your thighs.

Chin dipping, you let out a hiss at the sight of the new clothing on your body. Gray sweatpants with a matching tank top.

“You undressed me!?” You shout, feeling a shiver run through your body at the thought of him undressing you.

“Relax, I promise I didn’t peek.” His deep voice travels easily to you. You don’t miss the light and taunting tone he used. “Well, maybe a little.”

“You sick bastard, you touched-“

“I didn’t do anything but dress you, calm the hell down.” The sternness of his statement makes you shut your mouth, you nearly have to quite literally bite your tongue in order not to continue lashing out at him. Could you even trust what he told you? You supposed it didn’t even matter anymore, your body didn’t belong to you anymore in a place like this.

“Where am I?” You demand. “ Why am I here?”

“Did you forget already?“ He asks with fake amusement, walking near the staircase and leaning against it. “ You’re my new golden girl, princess.”

Your heart sank at his words, remembering what he had told you after you had pulled the trigger.

“And with that comes your new privileges, starting with your new room.” He looks around, and you notice a long slit on his pierced eyebrow, the dried blood clear.

But that’s only the less severe of his injuries, as your eyes study him more you notice more dried blood on the side of his neck. You squint, seeing an earring missing from his left ear, the cross earring you so very much hated. You couldn’t make out the wound in detail from where you sat but you still found yourself wincing at the sight of it .

That had to hurt, you thought to yourself.

“Don’t you like it?” He turns back to you, his upper lift lifting to reveal his upper teeth in a patronizing smile. “ I think it’s rather fitting for such a spoiled little princess .”

His last words came out in a sneer, a dark glare forming in his gaze that revealed the simmering anger that he had yet to cool down from. He was clearly still upset with your attempted escape, and that brought you a bit of joy, seeing him upset in any way was rewarding to you.

“Why are you doing this? After trying to escape, why give me this luxury?” You spit at him, it was as if the events that occurred the night before had never happened in the first place. No matter how much he threatened you, you wouldn’t become a puppet to him.

“And where is Do-yeon?” You add, your eyes lingering on the nasty cut on his eyebrow and on the reddish tint that covered his face. His hair was out of place too, messily swept to one side.

Jungkook licked his lips, tilting his head to the side.

“Don’t tell me you’re concerned for the girl you nearly blew the brains out of?” He taunted with a sinister tone, he sounded amused as if he truly found the situation entertaining.

“Don’t worry, princess. She’s none of your concern. In fact, I bet she would be very thankful for you right now.” He raised both his eyebrows with a practiced look of genuine concern that made his doe eyes seem boyish for a second.

“Because of you, I have no use for her anymore so I handed her off to my buddies.” He explained, voice lowering. “ They must be taking great care of her, they’ve always loved sharing my leftovers.”

Your mouth curls in disgust, your skin crawling at the thought of Do-yeon being stuck with more men like him and being made to do god knows what.

Then Mina’s words entered your mind.

“My cousin may be cruel but there’s others here much worse than him.”

“Although, they are into some rather odd stuff.” Jungkook continued with his torment. “And they hate disobedience, much like me.”

He took a step forward, slowly starting to climb the staircase.

“But unlike me,” He kept his dark eyes on you. “They aren’t as kind to the girls, not very big on the ‘no hitting women’ policy.”

When he made it to the top of the steps, he paused, eyes traveling to your worn out appearance and the way you stiffened immediately.

“And you are?” You threw back at him, finding it hard to believe he was excluded from the terrible acts they did to the girls here.

His eyes narrowed , taking heavy steps towards the bed.

“You tell me. If I was a worse man, you’d be in a body bag right now after that little stunt you pulled.” He bit out, keeping his intense gaze on you. “ Maybe I’d even ship the body bag back to your parents, right on their doorstep.”

The blood drained from your face, hating how much his words struck you. You immediately imagined your parent’s faces, their broken expressions upon seeing your corpse. Your little brother’s face.

“Or,” He thought for a moment, now looking down at your figure. “ You could be a good little broken doll, you know how many sick fucks would pay to see you just limp and unconscious while men did unspeakable things to you?”

You sucked in a breath, somehow despising that scenario even more.

Jungkook watched your reaction, an unreadable look on his face despite the clear sinister words he had uttered out his mouth.

“So yes, I do think I’m rather kind.” He finished, lips twitching when he noticed your frozen stance.

“Why me?” You blurt out and watch his expression change instantly, not seeming to expect the sudden question.

“Why choose me over Do-yeon? Over your golden girl? Huh?” It didn’t make any sense to you, why would he trade you, a complete stranger who he had just kidnapped over a girl who was seemingly his favorite for a while, someone so striking and willing to please him.

Why me? The nausea hadn’t gone away, it only got worse with how much the question ran through your head. You tried to figure out the reason for his sudden interest in you, did he simply take joy in terrorizing you?

Jungkook was silent for a long moment, you thought he wasn’t going to answer your question at all but then he placed his hands on the mattress, leaning forward as you sat there, refusing to back up despite the sheer terror that ran through you.

“I always like to break my new toys before handing them off to the others.” He told you. His face was so close that your noses nearly touched.

“Ruin them for others.” He lifted a piece of your hair, tugging it surprisingly hard that you nearly let out a yelp.

You glared at him.

“Make them remember how much they are going to miss me when I let them go,” He hissed. “How much they are going to beg to return to me even when they claimed to hate me so much.”

You were sure you’d rather put a bullet through your own head before ever begging him.

As if he could read your thoughts, he let go of your hair before gripping the side of your face, bringing you closer and you nearly fell right onto him with the sudden pull he gave you.

“We are going to have a fun time together, don’t you think?”

Before you could respond to him, his lips met yours in a harsh kiss. Your face scrunched up instantly and you attempted to pull away from it but Jungkook’s hands gripped the back of your neck, further pushing you onto his mouth . Half his body was on you as your hands attempted to pull his weight off, your hands throwing pathetic punches towards his shoulders.

When he finally let go, you gasped for air immediately but not before you went to lunge at him.

He caught your arms with ease, pushing you back against the mattress and away from him, dodging your attempts to hit him.

“If you can’t even handle a little kiss from me then I do worry how you are meant to manage.” He chuckled, taking long strides back towards the staircase and you practically sneered at him. You pushed hair out of your face, the force of his push had sent you completely flying face-down on the bed.

You wiped your swollen lips with the back of your hand, hating how much he thought he had a right to you.

“Fucking asshole.” You hiss, clenching your jaw as you see him already reach the bottom of the stairs and make his exit out the room.

Your glare is set on him as he opens the metal door, clearly locked with a passcode that you will never know the code of. He lifts his gaze up to you, meeting your eyes as an amused expression still sits on his face.

“Careful, I’m really starting to like that attitude.”

Your face instantly falls and his lips quirk up at the sight, sending you one last look before the sound of the door echoed shut throughout your cage.

—

The hot shower steamed up the glass on the sliding doors, the mist quickly filled the bathroom and suffocated it. Jungkook lifted his head up, letting the water run down his face as he ran a hand through his hair. He couldn’t stand the stench of iron on his shirt anymore, soaked with his Do-yeon’s blood from pathetic attempts that only sealed her fate further.

Not only that, his shirt had also been stained with the blood of his cousin from the hard hit to her head.

He felt for Mina, he really did but she was incredibly stupid for letting her guard down. If Jungkook had taught her anything, it was that you never turn your back on your enemy, that included the hostage. His cousin knew better, he knew Mina had been trained well enough so he knew that her moment of weakness was due to her close relationship with you.

He had to remind himself to make it clear to her that she couldn’t let that happen again.

He shut off the shower, sliding open the door and stepping out. Wrapping a towel around his waist loosely , he ran his palm across the mirror and took a look at his scratched up face. The cut on his eyebrow was still visible but less so now that the dried blood has washed off. Nonetheless, it looked like it would leave an ugly scar, a long open slit through the eyebrow was already forming.

Do-yeon had been a pain in the ass to get rid of, it’s as if the girl had already known the fate that awaited her with Jimin and Taehyung because she had resisted with every last bit of her strength.

She had twisted in his grip, flailing her arms around like a mad woman and begged him to not do it. In her frantic actions, she had gripped his hair and when he went to remove her hand, her perfectly manicured long nails had dragged along his face, nearly ripping his piercing out completely with the amount of desperation she had fought with. She didn’t stop there though. When he had pulled her off him, she lunged back into him with greater force, ripping the earring off his ear, causing blood to gush out immediately.

But alas, she couldn’t escape it. Jungkook had grown angrier by the minute and practically threw her out the luxurious room that was once her safe space and into the hands of the duo with the worst reputation in the building.

If Jungkook had even half the heart, he would have thought twice about sentencing her to such a cruel fate that would end in non-stop suffering. He knew of their ways, he had not been lying to you when he said that some men here didn’t have any morals left.

Why would they when they were already committing one of the most heinous of acts?

But Jungkook didn’t even have a quarter of a heart when it came to Do-yeon anymore. Whatever little sympathy or care he may have once for her had completely vanished the moment he saw her on that fence, ready to make a run for it. His rules were always simple, don’t bite the hands that feed you.

And he wasn’t the forgiving type.

However, something deeper brewed underneath him. The imagine of you was ingrained in his mind, it had been the moment he saw you though that webcam you had dumbly not covered. Your face was pretty, very pretty but it wasn’t anything out of this world and he knew that. With the type of business he was in, he had seen dozens and dozens of pretty faces over the years, some that could give models a run for their money.

But he thought you would make a good addition, you were cute and had a normal enough appearance. Some viewers liked the less luxurious look, some favored a more subtle appearance that didn’t stand out much for whatever reason. That had been his excuse, that you would be good business and a new fun thing to play with.

It wasn’t completely true though. Jungkook’s liking towards you was stubborn, more stubborn than the average want to just try out another new pretty face. He couldn’t understand what was so different about you because there wasn’t anything different about you.

Yet you had struck a nerve with him, the determination you had and how quickly you had moved into action. Most girls were too afraid to anger anyone here when they first came, too in shock to even react to the circumstances but your fear was no match for your anger. Even a moment ago, he could tell how scared you were but you were too prideful to show it, putting on a brave face in front of him as if he couldn’t see past it.

You reminded him of himself in a way.

Putting up a tough act and steel font to protect yourself.

Except his wasn’t an act or a font. He wanted to show you he could easily break down those steel walls of yours. You were no match for him.

So why did you make him so angry? You infuriated him. Ever since he found you, he couldn’t get you out of his head. Nothing seemed to distract him enough, he had a tendency to get obsessed with the chase, the stalking and tracking down of new girls for the business.

But once he caught them and brought them here, he never bothered much with them after that.

Not with you though.

His fascination should have been dying down by now but why did only seem to be growing? He didn’t like the feeling inside him. It was intoxicating, he felt so feverish when he had watched you sleep earlier.

When he was taking off your clothes earlier to change you, he hadn’t been lying to you when he said he hadn’t done anything else. He was tempted to, so tempted but his eyes took you in your face instead. The way small puffs of air left your plump lips. His attention was purely on the way your face scrunched up every so often, as if you were experiencing the worst nightmare. Which you were, he supposed. His fingers had trailed your collarbone, relishing in the softness of your skin. It had reminded him of when he had sneaked into your room all those weeks ago, how he’d taken pictures of your exposed neck. It was his favorite part of your body for some reason, perhaps he simply loved to imagine his fingers around your neck, tightening until you begged him to stop with choked breaths. Once he had finished dressing you, he had called for a medic to check on you just to be sure you didn’t have any further injuries and to confirm that your state of unconscious had only been because of how worn out you had been.

He didn’t like the discomfort and skittishness he felt seeing you so lifeless, it was the first time you had looked so at peace since you had got here . But somehow he preferred you with that fire and hatred in your eyes.

You weren’t supposed to still be inside his head.

You weren’t supposed to be making him feel this way.

He was supposed to shoot you the moment he saw you fall from that fence, getting ready to sprint. He should’ve shot you but he couldn’t bring himself to pull the trigger. This problem would have been easily solved if you were simply just another corpse to get rid of.

A loud knock on his door brought him back to reality, away from his haunting thoughts.

“Come in.” He replied loudly as he slipped out of the bathroom.

“Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.” The man announced as stepped inside and took a glance at the younger boy’s naked chest that was covered with ink on nearly every inch. Jin himself was dressed in his usual attire that nearly everyone there wore like a uniform. All black .

“Shut the hell up.” Jungkook grumbled walking past him to grab the clothes off the chair that sat at the corner.

“What’s up with your shit mood, thought you got that little new girl back. “ Jin shut the door with the heel of his boot, the sound echoing throughout the wide and long corridors on the other side.

“I did.” Jungkook clipped. “So I don’t want to hear shit from you about how I nearly risked the entire business for some random girl.”

Jin was quiet as he stood by the door. By the sound of his tone, he didn’t probe the younger boy any further. Jungkook would admit he was quite foul when he wasn’t in a good mood. Which was nearly always.

“I know what I’m doing, I always know what I’m doing.” Jungkook sent a harsh glare towards Jin, making it clear.

The older man sent him a hard look in return, not looking exactly convinced by the words or by his attitude.

“And what about your golden girl? I heard she made quite a scene as well.” Jin asked casually, amusement in his tone as he leaned against the wall behind him. Jungkook knew that Jin really couldn’t care less about Do-yeon but he was aware of how long Jungkook had kept her around and he wasn’t a fan of it at all. He remembered all the subtle and not so subtle warnings Jin had thrown at him, urging him to cut ties before things got ugly.

“Do-yeon’s not my problem anymore and much less my golden girl.” Jungkook scoffed, a humorless smile hinting at his lips as rage filled him.

“She could end up in a ditch after Jimin and Taehyung are done with her for all I care.”

Jin hummed in agreement, seemingly glad to hear the detachment in his voice. Jin had made it clear that he thought the girl would end up being trouble, she had gotten too comfortable over the years, sometimes acting like she was above some of the other guys in charge here. Jin thought it was dangerous, he was starting to think Jungkook had indeed formed an attachment to Do-yeon that was more than just physical.

It was stupid of him to think that, Jungkook thought.

He knew his limits and while Do-yeon was gorgeous, that was all she was to him. She had been good to him, really good for years but there was nothing to get attached to.

She was a girl like any other, nothing more and nothing less.

It was better to keep things distant, professional and strictly business when it came to the girls here. They couldn’t be given any glimmer of hope.

“So is the new girl your golden girl now?” Jin teased, crossing his arms as he watched Jungkook finish dressing. Jin never bothered much with favorites, he wanted to keep himself away from them as possible and whatever temptations he had were quickly shut down by his own logical mind. He never involved himself with the same girl twice, that’s just how he preferred it.

Jungkook was an interesting case, that’s what the others here told him. They said he had an air of almost loyalty to him. Jungkook nearly laughed in their faces when they mentioned that, it sounded ridiculous but he couldn’t deny that he had always picked favorites. From the very beginning he would focus on a particular girl and then drop her when he got sick or bored of her.

“For now.” Jungkook simply replied, buckling his belt.

“Doesn’t sound too promising, maybe you should hand her over to Hoseok.” Jin suggested.

That made Jungkook look up sharply, frowning instantly.

“What?”

“Yeah, he mentioned he found her really cute when he snatched her back up for you.” Jin let out a chuckle, obviously taking the piss out of the whole situation.

Jungkook didn’t find it funny though, his lips were set in a straight line as his jaw tensed.

“Tell Hoseok to keep his fucking dick in his pants, at least while he’s with my cousin.” Jungkook spit out, his already sour mood worsening with the very thought of not only that douchebag blatantly cheating on his cousin but him getting anywhere near you sent him over the edge.

He tried to keep the flame at bay but it only worsened the more he tried to suppress his unwelcoming emotions.

“Since when have you cared about monogamy that much? You had no problem sharing Do-yeon from time to time.”

That was different, Jungkook wanted to snap but the words were so foreign even to him.

The thought of any other men here even touching you sent a distasteful image to his head, maybe it was selfishness but Jungkook knew the moment you would act up with someone else here, they wouldn’t hesitate to hurt you. You were not theirs to touch and much less hurt, it enraged him to even think about it.

“Since now.” His words were final. “I don’t give a shit, I’m not sharing.”

Jin knew to back off when he said that, clearly realizing he hit a sensitive spot with both the new girl and Mina. He never knew Jungkook to be that territorial with the women in his life but he supposed he shouldn’t be that shocked, he always had a strong personality that didn’t allow him to take a lot of things lightly.

“Speaking of Mina, are you sure we can trust her not to crack with the authorities?” Jin swiftly changed the subject to more serious matters. He had been worried ever since Mina went back in town, knowing the police were likely questioning right now.

“Mina may be clumsy and an idiot half the time,”Jungkook reasoned with a heavy sigh. “ But she’s loyal, she would never betray me.”

Jin knew he was right, nobody would have allowed her into this business if they suspected she would rat them out at the first chance she got. She had always been on top of everything, despite her clear distaste for it.

Still, he knew how much detectives loved to play mind games in order to corner the suspects.

“How long do you think until she’s in the clear?”

“Couple weeks maybe,” Jungkook shrugged, seeming to calculate the exact time in his head. “She needs to stay in town for a while to not raise any suspicion. It won’t be that long before they consider it a cold case, Y/n is not a minor or a child so they won’t prioritize it as much.”

“Or even better, consider Jaehyun the number one suspect and murderer.” He added with a raised brow, proud smirk forming on his lips and Jin knitted his eyebrows as his gaze narrowed.

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

Jungkook had moved in front of his mirror, hissing as he further examined the wound on his ear.

“What a little bitch..” He mumbled as the memory of Do-yeon’s nails surfaced again.

“You better not have done some stupid shit, I’m serious.” Jin warned behind him, his tone lowering. Jungkook rolled his eyes.

“Relax, it’s just some fabricated messages. Light work for me.” He replied with a smirk, unable to hide the cynical pleasure he took in the situation.

Jin eyed him with clear uncertainty, his face hardening. If he knew anything about Jungkook, it was that he always took things too far. He knew the younger boy like the back of his hand, had an impulsive nature that didn’t blend well with his malicious tendencies.

“What will they find on that classmate’s computer?” Jin asked lowly.

Jungkook’s eyes met his through the mirror but he wasn’t the least bit put off by Jin’s intimidation. Nobody here frightened him.

“I’m just not a fan of history majors.” Jungkook told him instead with an innocent look that made his doe eyes gleam. That made Jin nearly let out a low chuckle of utter disbelief before he shook his head and opened the door, sending him one last warning look.

“Whatever, just make sure your cousin doesn’t fuck this up.”

—

“Excuse me.”

The muffled voice went unnoticed by you, along with the sound of a key card sliding.

You had been going insane stuck inside this room, the said ‘luxuries’ were no comfort at all. Sure, they may serve as a temporary relief from the awful ropes they had tied you with on your arrival here but it didn’t erase the reality. It was nothing but that, a distraction.

A gilded cage.

In a way, you had almost preferred that Jungkook had kept you in the old room, at least no memories that constantly shoved your utter betrayal in your face were in there. Even if there wasn’t anything particularly unique about the bedroom, nothing that indicated Do-yeon had lived here for years. You could just imagine her here, sitting where you now sat.

You had searched for any small thing that was hers, an accessory, a hairbrush, makeup even. But there was nothing. Everything looked brand new, untouched. All the makeup was unopened, the hair brushes had not one piece of hair on them and the accessories were all still packaged in small boxes.

You wondered if the smell of the sheets were the only thing left of her but even those smelled freshly washed with the strong scent of detergent coating them.

It disturbed you how easily he managed to get rid of her and not leave a single trace behind in what used to be her room. In a strange way, it almost made you feel like a home wrecker of some sort.

You couldn’t help but think that was bound to happen to you too.

When would Jungkook get rid of you and toss you out? When will he erase every trace of you in this room for the next girl who met the same path? Was it all just a vicious cycle? The thought made you fist up the comforter underneath you, unable to hold down the displeasure.

You needed to figure out where Do-yeon was now.

“Hello? I’m sorry to disturb you but they told me to come get you.” You finally glanced down to the bottom floor, your eyes landing on who the feminine voice belonged to.

A girl stood here, she didn’t look much younger than you but she definitely looked more meek. She was short, a look of pure uncertainty had taken over face as she peeked into the room.

“I-I’m meant to take you to the cafeteria for lunch.”

That made you reluctantly stand from the bed but you couldn’t help the confusion you felt with every one of her words. You eyed her with uneasiness as you slowly made your way down the steps.

“Who are you?” You ask and for the first time today, your mind wanders to Mina. Where was she? A dark thought passed through you, one that wondered if you had injured her severely to the point of head trauma.

Another even more sinister thought came flooding in after that, one that asked you why you would even care. Mina was the reason you were here, if anything , you wished she was dead. Death was little to pay for what she had done to you.

That cynical part of your mind concerned you, it was far too easy for you to access it and wish death upon those who wronged you but you couldn’t help it. You were always the type to hold grudges and this was one you would take to your grave.

“Uh…” The girl stalled as she seemed to debate answering the question. “ Jiyeon.”

As you neared the door, you took a better look at her scared figure. She wore simple clothes, similar to ones Jungkook had dressed you in. A gray tank top but she wore matching shorts instead of sweat pants.

“Did Jungkook send you?”

“No,” She replied, unable to keep your gaze. “Jin did.”

Who was Jin?

“Who’s that?”

“Um, he’s the person in charge of us.” She licks her lips. “Well, one of them.”

You raise an eyebrow, glancing ahead of her towards the empty corridors.

“Cafeteria? Is that where all the girls eat?” You ask shakily, your mind instantly going towards Do-yeon.

Was she there? If she was, you needed to talk to her.

Jiyeon simply nods, a look of impatience flashing her eyes.

“Okay, let’s go.” You nod and she hesitantly steps aside, no longer blocking the exit and you waste no time to get out of the room.

It quickly comes to your attention that you’re not sure how you are meant to navigate this factory, everything looks too similar. The long illuminated corridors resembled the exact ones Mina had taken you through but it couldn’t be the same one. At least, that’s what you thought.

You imagine it must’ve been on purpose or simply the way the factory was originally built. It didn’t provide any unique starting point or a way to memorize certain doors or hallways. It was intended to be confusing, it was meant to install doubt at every corner and leave you wondering what actually sat behind each door.

The girl walked in hurried yet unsteady steps. She kept glancing back at you every other second, afraid she’d somehow lose sight of you when it was merely impossible for you to go anywhere without her knowledge. You felt yourself quickly feeling sorry for the girl, she was just like you. One more captive.

You wondered if maybe you would look just as scared as her one day. That instead of building more resistance, you’d get every ounce of bravery sucked out of you and eventually cower completely and give up.

“How long have you been here for?” The question naturally flies out your mouth as you stare down at your socked feet padding against the floors.

The girl is quiet, looking over her shoulder at you then her eyes drift to the upper corners of the walls.

“I’m not sure,” She says, shrugging. “Months.”

She didn’t know?

Of course she didn’t, they probably didn’t keep them up to date on anything here. They were left completely in the dark about everything and they’d soon start to forget how many days or weeks had passed.

“How….how’d they find you?”

There was a long pause before she answered.

“I don’t know …I just came across a job offering online. It was for some private company.” Jiyeon slowed her steps a bit. “He was nice, really nice.”

You swallowed, feeling your stomach flip.

“Who was?”

“The guy.” Her voice wavered, a new emotion taking over. “ The one who stuck me inside a van as soon as our ‘interview’ was over .”

Your head felt tight with the twisted thoughts that swirled inside , each one so sinister and dreadful. You were in fact not special, your case couldn’t be unique. These girls had been preyed on by men just like Jungkook, maybe not exactly the same way but that’s what made it more alarming. They had different methods of catching the victims, some probably more subtle and discreet than others.

Before you could question her further, you both came down to what looked like a dead-end that reminded too much of the path you and Do-yeon had faced in your failed escape. However, Jiyeon stopped before you reached that dead-end and turned to a pair of large doors to your right, with surprising windows that let your peer inside.

Your eyes took in all the girls inside, most sitting on what looked to be cafeteria style tables and some walking around the wide space. The doors were pulled open by the girl in front of you and you hurried inside , your gaze determined to land on Do-yeon. The room had no windows as expected, no way of bystander even catching a glimpse of the hell inside here.

What first caught your attention was someone staring at you . You looked to the side, seeing a guy with a lean figure standing with his arms lazily crossed over his chest who had seemed to have been watching over the girls before he had taken interest in your arrival. His hair was a bleached blonde, falling gracefully along his face that was made up of both sharp and soft features.

His slit-eyed gaze in particular was a bit overwhelming but his overall expression was welcoming, kind even.

He sent a wide smile your way, eyes crinkling at the corners as he motioned for you to come over.

“That’s Jimin.” Jiyeon whispered to you before you both walked in sync towards him.

“This our new girl?” He asked, in a voice of silk. Jiyeon gave him a single curt nod, immediately stiffening.

“Yes, I was told to bring her to eat here.” She says as her eyes are glued to the floor and you raise an eyebrow in question.

She looked petrified.

The guy, Jimin, studied her for a moment. He didn’t look the least bit upset or angry which is why you were a little put off by how the girl looked like she was ready to vomit all over herself. Color drained from her face, coming and going as you saw the tips of her fingers twitch with nerves.

“Right,” Jimin says, eyes landing on you for a mere second and then he taps Jiyeon’s chin with two fingers. “Keycard, please?”

She quickly reaches behind her, pulling out the card from the waistband of her shorts and hands it over to him. He takes it swiftly, the card disappearing somewhere inside his back pocket before you could catch a good glimpse of it.

“Thank you,” He emphasizes with a brighter smile and you can’t deny he was handsome. You wonder if that’s also meant to mean something, were the men here specifically young and attractive to lure girls in? You didn’t doubt it one bit.

“What a doll, as always.” His tone is light and friendly as he points behind him. “Why don’t you go grab a bite? Before the food gets cold.”

Jiyeon didn’t linger for even a second, her legs worked faster than her brain because she was out of his sight before he had even finished his last sentence. He seemed to notice it too, his eyes trailing behind her and at the way she scurried off. He laughed under his breath, shaking his head slightly.

You instantly felt compelled to follow her so you quickly began making your way towards the direction she went but Jimin’s voice stopped you dead in your tracks.

“I didn’t say you could go.”

Halting, you turn to glance at him over your shoulder. His tone had been sharp but his expression held no sign of it.

He gave a grin instead.

“I’m just messing with you, relax.” He sounded so sickeningly sweet. “You new ones are always so jumpy.”

You eyed him with obvious suspicion, turning to look ahead of you at all the dozens of girls who sat on the worn out cafeteria tables. They all held similar expressions, some more unnerved than others and some even looking slightly bored. It was clear who were the ones that had been here a while, they looked defeated and lifeless. Your eyes caught sight of Jiyeon again, a tray of food in her hands as she cautiously walked to an open spot at a table. Her eyes alert and wide, like she was always expecting something to jump at her.

“She’s not new.” You pointed out.

You didn’t know if Jimin had heard you until he walked up beside you which made you almost flinch away. His eyes followed yours.

“She’s always been like that.” He told you in an informative tone. “You should’ve seen her when I was interviewing her. Shaking in her seat.”

You took in his words, remembering what Jiyeon had just told you. An interview.

This was the guy who took her.

“To be fair, she wouldn’t have gotten the job anyway. Even if it was real.” He teased as he leaned closer to you.

“It’s really a shame but the ones I choose aren’t the brightest.”

You narrowed your eyes at him, feeling a hot ball of anger in the pit of your stomach. His sweet tone didn’t match the words he’d say at all, it was infuriating to say the least.

“ I didn’t mean to upset you, I was just pointing out the obvious.” He leaned back, sighing. “If some of these girls were smarter they wouldn’t fall for such sketchy internet scams.”

“Is that what you tell yourself to not feel guilty for kidnapping innocent girls?”

You should have held your tongue, you had already been warned before by Mina and Jungkook. You knew better and your instincts told you to keep quiet but yet your mouth seemed to move on its own. To your surprise though, Jimin didn’t look angry or put off by what you said.

He sent you a tight-lipped smile.

“No,” He hums. “I never said I felt guilty.”

That made you fall silent, you couldn’t help but feel a little shocked at the way no emotion crossed his eyes. Just a vacant stare.

“Of course, why would I expect anything more from sick bastards like you.” You say.

His smile didn’t falter but his eyes squinted a bit as they roamed you.

“I can see you haven’t been properly trained yet.” You kept your hard stare on him. “ Funny, I’d imagined you’d be after what you pulled.”

Jimin’s hands moved behind his back, taking a step closer. The scent of rosewood hit your nostrils.

“I wonder if our Jungkook has gone soft?” He whispered.

Hardly, you thought to yourself. Jungkook was anything but soft, he was absolutely insane and cruel. Has this guy lost his mind? Was he simply joking with you? Or worse, was what Jungkook had told you in fact true?

You didn’t want to believe it. You didn’t want to think that Jungkook was your best option here because it couldn’t be true. Not after the way he treated you. Not after making you do that to Do-yeon and tossing her to the side like damaged goods.

“Jimin.” The call of his name made him slowly turn his head, his attention ripped away from you and towards another guy behind you both.

The man looked slightly older but his face was youthful, and of course, he was also stunning. It was starting to get insulting at this point. His dark hair was at a similar length as Jungkook’s but his features were vastly different. They were much more softer and subtle, a look of elegance almost. He was lean and tall, significantly taller than the guy in front of you right now.

He gave Jimin a warning look, tilting his head to motion him to follow him.

Jimin turned back to you, seeming to take you in again before another one of those chilling bright smiles returned to his face.

“It was nice meeting you, doll.” He said in a tone that dripped of false sincerity. “ I’m sure you’ll be much more pleasant next time I see you.”

You didn’t want to know what he meant by that but you felt the air return to you when he turned to leave at last, walking towards the other man waiting for him. They disappeared behind a corner, leading who knows where and you were left alone to contemplate your horrible nightmare yet again.

Something about that guy was so off. You almost laughed at your conclusion, there was something obviously off with every man here. They were human traffickers for god’s sake.

The quiet chattering that filled the room made you turn your attention back to what you came here to find. The girls seemed to actually be allowed to converse amongst themselves to your surprise. For some reason, you imagined that even that was also prohibited.

When you made your way towards the countless tables, some girls stared but most kept their head down or angled to whoever they were talking to. You should have made your way to get some food but despite your growling stomach, all you could focus on was finding the girl you had thrown under the bus in the worst possible way.

For a second, the thought of her not being here crosses your mind and that sets you into a quiet panic. If she wasn’t here that must have meant she was somewhere you couldn’t access her easily. This seemed like the only place you could get a solid chance of talking to her and finding out if she was okay. You didn’t know when else you’d be able to get a hold of her. Or if you ever would cross paths again knowing how Jungkook seemed beyond upset with you earlier for even mentioning her name.

“Sorry,” You mumble when you nearly bump into a random girl in your attempt to hurriedly push through the crowded area.

She didn’t acknowledge you as she went about her way. Your eyes non-intentionally followed her and your heart nearly stopped completely when you noticed her sit a comfortable distance away from a familiar face.

Do-yeon’s head hung low in a cowering position. Her dark hair covered most of her face except for the front view that you caught a clear glimpse of. Her arms rested on the table, a tray of food untouched in front of her. Her fists were clenched as she seemed to stare blankly downwards.

You wasted no time in rushing over to her and taking a seat s. right across from her. Thankfully nobody seemed to be within ear-shot. Not that it mattered, every girl here had likely been through worse already.

“Do-yeon.” You say in a gasped whisper.

She looks up with a flinch, her expression morphing into one of clear fear. You force yourself to hold in another gasp as you eye the purple bruise forming on the right side of her upper cheek. It has hues of green on the outer sides and it looked horribly swollen. It caused her eye to appear significantly heavy-lidded and droopy.

But other than that, her entire demeanor looked vastly different from what you had previously seen of her. It resembled the exact way she had appeared that moment Jungkook had caught both of you on the fence.

She looked utterly defeated.

“What happened to you? Who did that?”

Do-yeon seemed to take a second to process you were in front of her, her eyes scanned you as she knitted her eyebrows together.

“You’re not supposed to be here.” She whispered to you, taking a quick glance around. “Does Jungkook know you’re here?”

You felt a pinch of annoyance at her glossing over your question but you were also left confused.

“Isn’t this where all the girls eat?” You ask and let out a sigh. “Forget that, tell me what happened to you.”

She shook her head. “The golden girl doesn’t eat at the cafeteria, you’re not supposed to be here-“

“Do-yeon.” You snap at her. “ I don’t give a shit, what happened to you?”

A frown took over her lips as she swallowed. She blinked rapidly, evidently trying to withhold tears.

“What do you think?” She asked with a sneer that took you by surprise.

You felt your heartbeat pick up again, it no longer felt frozen in your chest but this time it felt like it was slowly shattering apart with every beat.

“He threw me to the side after taking him for granted.” A scoff left her lips as her eyes burned into yours. “No, throwing me to the side would have been a blessing.”

“He threw me to a pair of wolves that are worse than him.”

“They hit you.” You confirm as bile threatens to raise up your throat, staring at the bruise.

Some part of you hoped that Jungkook had been lying just to scare you, that it was a tactic he used on every girl here in order to get them to submit.

“They do worse than that.” Do-yeon states as her jaw tightens.

“I’m so sorry.” Your throat closes up as the guilt practically starts eating you alive. “This all my fault, I -I can try to convince Jungkook to take you back, I promise I’ll -“

“No.” She cuts you off a firm grip on your wrist.

“Jungkook isn’t going to take me back. He isn’t the forgiving type.” She tells with a definitive tone. “I knew that before I took the risk.”

The hope inside your chest deflates further as your mind scrambles to find any sort of solution.

“No, no there has to be something I can-“

“What fantasy are you still living in?” Do-yeon presses with an incredulous look taking over her broken eyes. “Do you not see where you’re at right now? Has it not hit you yet?”

You shut your mouth, lips set in a straight line as it takes everything in you not to reply back to her with a snide remark. It takes a moment for you to realize it, for the fire inside you to dim as you really take in what she’s saying.

She was right, you had not accepted it. You didn’t consider yourself one of these girls yet, you didn’t want to see yourself in them. Accepting this was a form of submission to you, a sign that you needed to adapt. That’s the last thing you wanted to do. For whatever reason, you refused to see yourself as one of them, you had deluded yourself into thinking that maybe it would be different for you and that it would be temporary.

That you still had a chance of making it out.

How stupid could you be? You were no different , the reality of it pierced through you in the most excruciating way. There is nothing that would make you lead a different path than any of the girls here.

“Do you know how rare it is for girls to escape these situations? Huh?” Her words plead to knock some sense into your stubborn head.

“Has anyone ever escaped here?” You throw back at her, your lips trembling.

Do-yeon gives you a long stare, and you swear you see a flash of pity in it.

“If they did, we never knew about it.” She replies. “They’d never let us know if they managed to make it out.”

So, she didn’t know for sure that nobody had escaped. You hated how that little pathetic knowledge made you glimmer with hope again.

It was so rare and it most likely was never going to be you who escaped.

“Your best chance is to stay on Jungkook’s good side. You need to stay with him as long as you can.” Do-yeon's grip tightened even more on your wrist, her nails digging into your skin.

“And what? Become his little pet until he realizes he’s bored-“

“Yes.” She says louder. “Jungkook must see something he likes in you if he was so willing to get rid of me without a second thought.”

“Use it to your advantage, make sure he never trades you for another and much less…pass you to the other men here.” She whispers the last part, sending you a distasteful look that served as enough warning to you.

“As much as I hate him, I’d give anything to go back to him right now.” You hate the crack in her voice when she says it.

“Why are you helping me when I’m the one who did this to you?” You ask, shaking your head as you try to get her to release her grip on you.

“Because I’m not a fucking bitch? You’re not the one who put me here, you’re just another victim like the rest of us.” Do-yeon looks as if she was ready to slap you and you don’t blame her, you’re beginning to get defensive because you don’t like what she’s implying.

Because what she’s implying is you needing to do exactly what Mina had told you from the start, to listen and accommodate.

“What about you!” You hiss at her, lowering your face to hers.

You pointed towards her face and saw her wince.

“What about me?” She takes another breath. “There’s nothing you can do about me, worry about yourself.”

No.

“I’ll worry about getting us the hell out of here.”

Do-yeon lips form a sad smile.

“You need to get real, at the end we are all going to look out for ourselves only.” She tells you as she finally lets go of your wrist. “I thought you’d know that very well already.”

You knew she was referring to what had happened the last time you were together. The very thing you had avoided bringing up and that was still killing you inside. How you didn’t hesitate to put that gun up her head in order to save yourself.

“I-I panicked.” You stammer, eyes widening. “I didn’t want to do that, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not asking for an apology.” Do-yeon shook her head, eyes glossy. “ You did what anyone else would, you did what I couldn’t. That’s how you survive here.”

You bit your lip to prevent yourself from letting out a sob, your face twisting .

“I really hope your tough girl approach to everything isn’t an act.” She tells with a serious look taking over her pretty features.

“And if it is, you better not let Jungkook find out.”

This threw you off, if Do-yeon had been begging you to please Jungkook and stay on his good side, why wouldn’t she want your toughness to be an act? What did she mean by that? You thought for a second if she meant it in a deeper sense. That maybe she wasn’t referring to physical defiance against him but emotional defiance.

Perhaps what she meant was that you couldn’t let him break who you were and realize you were as easily disposable as she had been.

You felt horrible for even thinking that but was it not the truth? Do-yeon herself was implying that you couldn’t let what happened to her, happen to you.

“I will help you, I promise-“

You paused when your eyes landed on a familiar figure a few away. Your stomach dropped when you realized Jungkook was here, his back was facing you but you could easily identify him. The numerous tattoos on both his arms were recognizable anywhere and even more so with the sleeveless tank top he seemed to be wearing now. His head turned, his sharp side profile further confirming it was him.

He was talking to someone but you couldn’t quite make out who was in front of him. You avoided straightening your posture to try and look over the multiple heads that were in your way of getting a clear view in fear of catching his attention.

“Why bother making promises you can’t keep.” Do-yeon’s voice forced your attention back to her but your eyes kept nervously traveling back to his figure.

She seemed to notice your distracted gaze because she turned around to follow your eye-line.

“Shit,” She said below her breath. “You can’t let him see you with me.”

“What? Why?”

“Are you stupid? Jungkook is a paranoid bastard, he will assume you’re plotting something with me and you’re not exactly on his best side right now.” She tells you and turns to hide herself behind her hair again.

“Get away from here. It won’t end well for either of us if we’re seen together.”

You decide to take her advice due to the sheer panic in her voice and the fact that you truly didn’t know what Jungkook would do to her if he did see you both together. Pulling yourself away from the bench, you walk towards the further back of the room where more girls sat watching their lunch. You don’t exactly know what your plan is but you try to look as casual as possible as you follow a group of girls who seem to be going in the direction of the top shelves that hold some unappetizing food to them.

Trying your best to hide yourself behind them, you copied their actions and picked up a plastic tray from the stack of them in front of you. You reach over to grab a banana from the small pile of fruit and your first mistake is to take another sneaky glance towards Jungkook.

At first, he only seems to be scanning the area with a jaded look on his face but before you could avert your gaze away from him, his eyes trap you in place. He does double take and you flinch your head down quickly but you knew it was too late.

He saw you.

“Fuck,” You curse, trying to busy yourself piling on different foods on your tray as you hope and pray he simply thinks he saw wrong.

You don’t know why you’re so nervous, it wasn’t like you had walked here yourself but everything about him made you squirm. You weren’t sure how he’d react to anything or what little thing could set him off and take it out on you.

Sure enough, you soon felt a hand on your shoulder that practically hauled your entire body around.

“What the hell are you doing here?” You look up at him, his eyes narrowed down at you but you could tell there was confusion behind his question as well.

“A girl brought me here.” You say as you attempt to get out of his grip but he only responds by grabbing your arm instead, pulling you away from the cafeteria top shelf and leaving your tray abandoned.

“What girl?” He demands, his dark eyebrows pinching together and you notice he must've showered not long ago due to the damp hair and spotless skin. There was no dried blood in sight anymore, his neck was clean of it. The cross earring was indeed no longer on his ear, a small wound was in its place. You really hadn’t imagined the severity of his injuries, his earlobe remained awfully swollen.

“I don’t know.” You snap in a defensive tone as you tug against him.

“You don’t know?” Jungkook tilts his head, looking behind him at the countless girls who sat ahead. “Point to her then.”

You stare at him, that fire inside you returning .

“She said her name was Jiyeon.” You spit out.

He turns back to look at you, an unreadable expression taking over his face and then he sighs.

“Was that so hard, princess?” He leans forward, pinching your cheek like one would do to a child as a form of endearment.

You slap his hand away and scowl at him.

“Why can’t I be here? Isn’t it the cafeteria where every girl eats?”

“You’re not just any girl,” He simply states. “ Do I have to keep reminding you of your place?”

“Then why did they drag me here?”

“I have the same question.” A hard look takes over his eyes as he looks ahead, eyebrows still knitted together.

You soon realize his grip on your arm isn’t releasing and he only pulls you into his hard chest him as he begins to walk towards the same entrance doors you came through.

“My food.” You protest as you glance behind you.

He ignores you, positioning you right in front of him and sends you a glare that sends your legs moving as if they are under a spell. You were really getting sick of him manhandling you like you were made of rags instead of flesh and bone.

“I don’t get why you’re mad at me, I didn’t take myself here.”

“I didn’t say I was mad at you, princess.” He says and you can feel him playing with a piece of your hair as he walks too closely behind you.

“And I didn’t realize it bothered you if I was.”

“It doesn’t .” You bite out, feeling your cheeks heat up with anger and a hint of embarrassment.

He chuckles behind you and you feel his hot breath hit the back of your neck.

“ I still don’t get why I can’t just eat here.” You say as you glance back at him.

He eyes you, tilting his head as a smirk teases the corners of his mouth.

“Feeling lonely?” He mocks. “ I’m afraid I don’t like the idea of you making friends with the girls here. Call me dramatic but I don’t quite trust you enough yet.”

Yet.

You wanted to turn around and claw his eyes out so badly.

“So what? I’m going to be stuck in a damn room all day?”

You nearly bump into one of the girl’s walking past you and you feel Jungkook’s fingers tug the back of your shirt to stop the impact. He ‘tsks’ with disapproval of your clumsy nature.

“You mean like a hostage?” He tells with a flat tone and lets out a silent laugh when you whip your head back, sending him a murderous look.

You absolutely loathe him. Every bit of you was shaking with anger but you had to remember what Do-yeon had said to you.

“ You just got here and are already making so many complaints, you really are a princess aren’t you?”

Ignoring him, you pick up your pace and reach out to open the two wide doors but of course, they are sealed shut and no amount of force flings them open.

Every damn corner was a cage.

Jungkook slips in front of you with a knowing look, as if he found your attempt both amusing and plain stupid . He blocks your view as he punches in whatever code on the handle and you’re left to stare down at his leather boots.

The annoying beeps fill your ears as you lift up your head slightly to take one last look behind you towards where Do-yeon was seated. She wasn’t alone this time, the guy you had finished talking to just minutes ago was standing over her, a tight grip on her shoulder as he seemed to be whispering something down to her.

You frown as Jungkook drags you out the door and towards the blinding bright empty corridors again.

—

Once you’re back inside your personalized cell, you can’t help but feel shocked when you see the plate of hot food sitting on the coffee table in the middle of the room. It looks far more appealing than what you had seen back in the cafeteria and you almost feel bad for getting to enjoy another luxury that the rest of the girls who shared your fate didn’t.

But it wasn’t your fault, you had to keep telling yourself that.

With that, you practically run towards the couch and grab the plate of food, sitting it on your lap as you bring a spoonful of it towards your mouth.

“You surely don’t waste time.” Jungkook comments as the metal door shrieks shut behind him.

You want him to leave and let you suffer in your misery alone.

“I’m sure your little adventure in the woods left you weak and starved.”

You don’t look up as you chew the food, gripping the spoon tighter.

“Fuck off.”

He doesn’t respond right away but you hear his footsteps near the seat right across from you.

“Maybe I just won’t feed you tomorrow then.” He tells you with a sigh. “Or the next day after that.”

You swallow the food, hurriedly finishing up the rest on the plate before he has the dark thought of ripping it out your hands. You didn’t doubt for one second that he’d let you starve for the rest of the week for the little comment you made.

“Is that how you treat a golden girl?”

When you look towards him, rubbing a finger over his lips and you eye his bare arms on display. The designs of his tattoos stood out, some were colored while others were just black but they sat nicely on his muscles arms. It made you think about how his entire appearance seemed like a facade. Underneath his tough exterior filled with tattoos and piercings , it was just a young guy that didn’t look older than 25.

Was he really not as bad as the others or was he just convincing himself of that to make himself feel morally above them?

You remembered what Mina had said to you, how their life circumstances made them take such a horrid path but you didn’t feel any sympathy. You couldn’t feel a thing for them after what they had put you and dozens of other girls through.

“When she misbehaves, I’m not above much of anything.” He replies after some uncomfortable silence.

“Not even hitting?” You set the plate down on the table.

Jungkook’s eyes darken and you know you have said the wrong thing.

“I don’t hit women.” He makes it clear to you for the second time today through gritted teeth. “But there’s far worse things than physical pain so don’t get smart with me .”

His threat is loud and clear, jaw clenching as he raises an eyebrow in challenge and you sink back into the couch, not feeling like pissing him off even more than you already had.

“I need you ready in an hour, you have a cam show to perform.”

You feel like someone has punched you in the gut.

For whatever reason, your mind had completely forgotten the very reason you were here. You stiffened instantly as your familiar fight or flight instincts kicked in and flashbacks of that horrible sex room crossed your mind. The naked women, the masked men and the nauseating scenes made you recoil.

That was going to be you.

The first day had just been a trial, a glimpse of what was to come and what you had to ease yourself into. They were going to make you an official cam girl, you were meant to do god knows what for men in front of those cameras and the worst part was you didn’t even know how many there would be. You didn’t know how anything worked, what they would demand you to do and who you were going to have to pleasure.

“No,” You whisper, shaking your head from side to side.

“No, I can’t.” You tell Jungkook, your eyes widening in terror. “You can’t make me do that.”

He stared at you, eyes tracing over your face.

“But I can.” He states coldly. “What made you think you’re exempt from what every other girl here is brought to do?”

You grip the cushion beneath you as you feel your entire body start to shake.

“Please,” You swallow your pride and it kills you more than you’re willing to admit. “Don't do this, please.”

You needed to do better than that, you thought to yourself. You needed to survive here like Do-yeon had said.

Play into his game. Into his wants.

Lifting yourself off the sofa, you get to your knees and crawl over to where Jungkook sat. He looks mildly surprised by your action, his eyebrows lifting up as you grip the fabric of his jeans. You’re completely at his mercy as you continue to beg, your tears quickly stain his clothes as you lay your head on his lap.

“Please, please.” You plead him, clenching your teeth so hard that you’re surprised your jaw is still intact. “ I’ll behave , just don’t make me do that.”

“I won’t talk back I swear, I’ll be fucking mute if you want.” A sob leaves your lips, even in this state you can’t help the anger that managed to seep into your words. You’re so angry, so angry you didn’t get to escape.

If you hadn’t gotten in that damn van, you probably wouldn’t have had to ever see this psychopath again.

You feel his hand on your head, his fingers tangled through your hair and then you feel a sudden harsh yank. He forces your head up and you let out a whimper at the harshness of his grip, your skull stinging.

You meet his gaze through your blurry vision that is filled with tears.

“I can’t believe it,” His eyes are empty but his lips twitch into a smirk as he angles your head up higher.

“Even in this state, I can see how much you’re seething.” You let out a shaky breath at his words, he was reading right through you.

“It’s killing you to beg me isn’t it, princess?” He cooes at you as he further twists your hair.

You yelp again.

“Lucky for you, I’ve grown weak at the sight of you on your knees for me.”

You were tempted to spit at him.

He seems to read your thoughts because he gives you a wicked grin.

“Fine,” He drawls, “ I won’t make you perform for others.”

The pressure on your chest lifts slightly as you eagerly await his next words.

“Don’t look so overjoyed, everything comes with a cost here.” He’s quick to ruin your hopes. The pressure returns, crushing your chest completely.

“You won’t have to see that horrible room again but only if you perform for me only.” He says slowly, his eyes dancing around behind you. “Right in this room, you’ll get to be my own personal little doll for thousands of others online to see.”

“And I want you willing. So very willing to do everything they request us to do.”

“Request?” You gulp, feeling your knees wobble even while being planted onto the ground.

He nods. “Yes, our audience loves a good show and it’s our job to fulfill them.”

The grip you have on his jeans loosens, you lick your dry lips as his face comes closer, his hair tickling your cheek.

“Do we have a deal, my little princess?”

You remove your hands from him as your body is frozen in place. The pessimistic side of you is convinced that this is what he wanted all along. You can’t help but think he planned this, that he wanted you to be his own little pet and that he’d mask himself as some sort of hero for saving you from having to perform in front of countless other men and women in the most humiliating and degrading ways possible.

Little did he know that it wasn’t much less degrading to give yourself to him.

In fact, you didn’t know if it made a difference at all. What he implied sounded like he was letting you choose between two equally horrible situations, with one being marketed slightly better.

But then Do-yeon’s face enters your mind as a cruel reminder of how foolish you were being. The bruise lifting off her skin was a clear sign of what probably awaited you if landed in worse hands than Jungkook.

“Yes.” You mumble, the word is robotic and it doesn’t even sound like it left your mouth.

You wished it didn’t.

The painful hold on your hair loosened and he finally let go, coming to wipe away the tears on your cheeks with his thumb. You could feel the cold metal of his rings against your skin.

“Good girl.”

—-

The autumn leaves bustled against the tree branches, the gloomy weather certainly set the scene for the tragic events that had occurred. The campus wasn’t large by any means but it surely did seem like it due to it being the only university located in this small town. It wasn’t hard to imagine any young girl getting kidnapped here, especially when the sun went down. The woods that surrounded the building would always raise concerns for locals, it was an easy place to hide a body but Yoongi concluded it may also serve as a distraction.

Of course that was the place authorities had searched first but it was hard to send a search party throughout the entire wooded area. It would take them a while, even with the rescue dogs.

If they there was even anything to come across.

The detective couldn’t shake the feeling that the girl wasn’t buried underneath those grounds. However, there was a lake nearby too so perhaps she was simply underwater instead.

He hated the way his profession had desensitized him completely. Casually wondering about the different ways a girl was likely already dismembered while putting up a hopeful face with her parents never sat right with him. His colleague had parted ways to collect some of the girl’s belongings that could hold some information , her laptop and a poorly working electronic watch apparently.

Her parents had insisted they looked through anything to find something even when he had mentioned there would unlikely be any traces on those.

Yoongi pulled himself off the tree bark he had been standing against when he saw the face he was looking for, he had already spoken to the administration office about the case so he’d only hope not to scare off the boy. The face in the picture that was paper clipped on the files looked identical to the one about to walk right past him.

“Jaehyun?” He spoke as the boy with a heavy looking backup neared him.

The boy immediately took off his earphones and sent him a confused look. He slowed his steps when Yoongi pulled out his badge, swiftly bringing it up in front of him.

“Detective Min Yoongi,” He introduced himself with a weak smile. “ I was just wondering if I could ask you some questions regarding one of your classmates, Y/n.”

Jaehyun’s mouth formed an ‘o’ shape as he slowly nodded.

“Oh shit, yeah I heard about her going missing.” He replied as they both walked off to the side, letting other groups of students continue to walk past them.

“Do you know anything about what happened?” The boy asked with hesitation. “ I mean, I don’t know if you’re allowed to say anything. Sorry.”

News traveled fast in a small town so it was no surprise he had already found out. Yoongi assumed most of her classmates were already gossiping about what could’ve occurred and raising their concerns on social media.

“Well actually, I wanted to know if you had seen her before she disappeared. Maybe anything regarding her behavior here at school, anything that may have raised concern?” The detective explained casually, he knew he couldn’t pressure the boy to say anything. He wasn’t a suspect and he only hoped he could get a little ounce of information that could lead to something.

Regardless if he personally suspected him or not, he couldn’t show it.

Jaehyun scratched the back of his head, frowning slightly.

“Honestly no, I wasn’t that close to her. I just used to see her at parties and in class.” He replies with a shrug. “ I never noticed anything weird but then again I probably wasn’t paying much attention.”

There was an undeniable trace of guilt in his tone. The boy appeared to be sincere and while Yoongi had been around long enough to know he should doubt every display of emotion, no matter how genuine it seemed, he couldn’t help but believe him in that moment.

“You guys never had an intimate relationship?” Yoongi asked, partly expecting the boy to shut him down completely since he wasn’t exactly required to answer such a personal question. Especially with no lawyer present. It was a risky shot.

Jaehyun looked slightly taken aback, raising his eyebrows as an awkward laugh left him.

“I mean, no.” He explained, shaking his head. “ She was cute and all but we never hooked up.”

“Right.” Yoongi nodded, seemingly accepting his answer.

It was the answer he was expecting after all. The friend Mina had stated she hadn’t been aware of any intimate relationship. Just a crush. The detective couldn’t help but feel a little defeated with another possibility being so quickly shut down.

“Uh, well thank you for your time.” He said with a sigh, his eyes drifting ahead. “Do you happen to know anyone else she was particularly close with?”

Jaehyun bit his lip, deep in thought.

“I mainly saw her around with Mina.”

The detective looked back at him, his stare blank despite the the thoughts burning inside his head.

“Oh! I would also see her hang out with this other girl sometimes.” He blurted, knitting his eyebrows. “ But I honestly don’t remember her name, she also attends school here though.”

The boy gave a sheepish smile and Yoongi waved him off.

“It’s fine, I can figure it out. Is it okay if I give you my card? Just in case you remember anything that might help us?”

“Sure thing,” Jaehyun nods as the detective hands him over the card.

The boy glanced down at it before giving one last apologetic look and turning to leave . “ I’ll contact you if anything comes up.”

Yoongi watches the boy walk away, his figure slowly disappearing into the distance and he’s soon left alone to dwell on his million theories again. His fingers go to take out a cigarette from his back pocket as he makes his way through the campus grounds and towards the parking lot. His phone vibrates just as he’s in the middle of lightning his cigarette and he hastily shoves the lighter away.

Namjoon’s name flashes on his screen and he presses it against his ear as he takes a blow.

“Hey, listen the classmate didn’t tell me much that will help us but-“

“We need to bring Jeong Jaehyun in for questioning and we need a search warrant for him ASAP .” His partner’s voice rang through his ear.

Yoongi froze, the smoke leaving his full lips.

“What?” He turns, looking behind him towards the direction the boy had left in.

“That classmate the friend mentioned , I found some messages on the girl’s laptop that say they planned to meet up the day she went missing. The times add up too .” Namjoon speaks with urgency, clear shuffling in the background and the sound of a car engine soon blared through.

Yoongi ends the call abruptly, swinging open his car door and all he could think about as he drove out the campus driveway was how his intuition never did seem to fail him.

The boy had just blatantly lied to his face.

“Shit.”

—

#yandere jungkook #jungkook yandere #yandere!jungkook #yandere!jungook x reader #jungkook x reader #bts yandere #yandere!bts #bts x reader #jeon jungkook #jungkook horror #jungkook #jungkook scenarios #jungkook angst #bts fanfic #bts scenarios #jungkook au #jungkook fanfic #bts angst #BTS au

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mymultiverse00 · 6 months

Text

Left Behind

This is my first ever Twilight story. I hope you like it!

There are no hiding spots for humans in Volterra Castle, especially when considering its residents. Oh, I can find a dark corner to huddle in for a little while or even go outside to bask in the blazing hot sunshine, but no matter where I go, someone will always find me. They follow my voice, or my scent, or the sound of my wheelchair on the ancient stone floors, and like magic, any hope I had for some blissful solitude is completely shattered. But today is different. Today there are visitors in the castle from far away covens, and suddenly, no one around me can spare me a second glance, not even my mate. That part hurts the most.

I met my mate only six months ago while working in town at the old Volterra library. At the time, I had no real home, no living family, and really, no hope. I was barely eking out a living, limited by both my mobility and my inability to speak the local language. I was depressed and crippled by low self-esteem and severe anxiety. I barely had the will to go on, but then I met Marcus, and everything changed.

Every day for three months the tall, somber man visited me at the library, and slowly the two of us developed a relationship that blossomed into love. He confessed his feelings and his secret one rainy night in my tiny apartment and offered me a future I couldn’t possibly turn down. He moved me into his home and introduced me to his family, and never once was my disability an issue for him. In fact, he went out of his way to make things easier for me. Every day he told me he loved me, and brick by brick, he helped me rebuild my self-confidence and push the depression away.

As soon as I agreed to move in, Marcus started renovating and redecorating his rooms, adding low-profile furniture and other accessible fixtures. He remodeled the bathroom completely, adding grab bars and a roll-in shower with a sturdy teakwood bench across the back wall. He brought in a new bed that had the ability to be raised and lowered at will, along with a mountain of pillows designed to take pressure off my back, hips, and knees, and never once complained about his own discomfort.

He also considered my other human needs, expanding doorways and lowering work surfaces, creating unobstructed pathways to the garden and conservatory, and even convincing Aro to hire a full-time chef to cook my meals. He made it very clear that he wanted to make the remainder of my human life as simple as possible and would stop at nothing to make me happy.

There was only one thing he couldn’t change, however, and I have a hard time holding it against him: the stairs. Volterra Castle is full of ancient stone staircases everywhere you look. Stairs going up to Athenadora and Sulpicia’s rooms; stairs going down to the kitchen and the activity room for the lower guard; stairs keeping me firmly planted on the first floor of the castle at all times.

Normally, stairs are not a huge issue. Marcus took great delight in lifting me up into his strong arms in order to ferry me anywhere I wanted to go. He would loop my arms securely around his neck and pick me up like a bride, sneaking kisses and snuggles all along the way. I would giggle girlishly at his roguish behavior, and he would smile, and maybe we would be late to our destination if we ever made it at all. Today, however, the stairs won.

——————

The morning had been a busy one, with everyone buzzing around the castle, preparing for the arrival of some very important guests. Marcus and his brothers were holding a summit of sorts, and covens from all over Europe would be arriving at noon for two days of festivities. There would be a grand reception this afternoon and evening, and after the meetings ended tomorrow, there would be a lavish ball. This was the first time I would be introduced to such a large group as Marcus’s mate, so I was extremely nervous, but my love had assured me that I would be welcomed by all.

Or at least I would have been, had I been in the throne room with the rest of the group. Somehow, in all the excitement of handshaking and backslapping during the arrival of our guests, everyone forgot about the half dozen steps required to enter the gathering hall, subsequently forgetting about me too.

After 45 minutes of rolling back and forth in front of the doors and occasionally speaking Marcus’s name out loud, hoping to catch his attention, I decided to give up. Obviously, he was too busy to miss my presence, as were Aro, Caius, my sisters, or my friends in the guard. My feelings were hurt, undoubtedly, but seeing no other option, I decided to return to my room and wait for someone to realize I was absent.

No one noticed.

Hours went by without a peep. No one came to look for me, and no one brought me dinner either. I couldn’t get to the kitchen myself because of the goddamned stairs, so there was nothing left for me to do but stay exactly where I was, hidden in the furthest corner of my room’s veranda, trying not to be hungry and trying not to sob out loud as I cried. My heart was aching as the heavy feeling of abandonment settled over me, and my old friend, self-loathing, started creeping in. The next several hours were filled with ugly thoughts and horrible sadness, and though I wanted to resist that darkness, it completely overwhelmed me once more.

——————

It was nearly midnight when I finally heard my mate’s frantic voice calling out for me from our shared bedroom.

“Y/N!” Marcus called, a hint of desperation in his tone. “Y/N? Where are you my love?”

“Out here, Marcus,” I replied listlessly, barely raising my voice as I knew he could hear me. I was mentally and physically drained from the emotional upheaval of the day and made no real effort to emerge from my safe little hiding spot. I could hear how upset I had made him, and I was unsure if I could face him just then.

“My darling!” He cried, finally spotting me and speeding quickly to my side. His eyes quickly scanned me for injury. “Where have you been, little one? I couldn’t find you.”

I looked down at my hands as I answered him, too afraid to look into his eyes. “I’ve been here, Marcus. All day.”

“But why, tresoro?” He took my hands in his. “Did you not want to meet our guests? Many of them came here just to see you.” I could tell he was disappointed in me and my heart broke just a little bit more.

“I-I-I… did want to…” I stammered, “But I couldn’t. There was no way for me to get into the throne room, Marcus. I was left behind,” I concluded quietly, blinking back the tears that threatened to fall.

“Left behind?” He questioned.

“Yes.” I paused. “How long, Marcus?” I asked dejectedly.

“How long for what, Y/N? I don’t understand.”

“How long did it take for you to realize I wasn’t there with you, Marcus? 2 hours? 4?”

He closed his eyes as it finally started to sink in. “Y/N, I’m…”

“Disappointed in me?” I whispered. “I understand. I’m sorry, Marcus. I have not been a very good mate to you today, and I have shamed you. I understand why you and the others did not look for me. I have not been an asset to the family.” Tears streamed freely down my face as I tried to apologize for my shortcomings.

“Y/N, no. Please don’t cry.” Marcus begged, crouching down to my level as he tried to comfort me. “It is I who should apologize. It is my duty to look out for you and to protect you. I have failed in that today; I should have remembered you needed help with the steps. There were so many people, and I got caught up….”

“I thought you didn’t want me anymore.” I interrupted with a sob. “No one came for me all day, and I thought I had done something wrong! Maybe I have become too much of a burden on you..”

“Never, amore!” He said with conviction, bending his head low to kiss my hands.

“But it’s true, Marcus! I know it is! Every day you are forced to do things you would never typically do, all because of me,” I said sadly. “You’re the King of Volterra, Marcus! And I have you spending your days babysitting me. You help me in and out of bed; you help me dress; hell, you’ve even had to help me in the shower a time or two! You’re forced to carry me around this castle all day long - and my wheelchair - because I can’t even get myself to the kitchen to feed myself. I’m asking you for too much, and I don’t want you to resent me for it.” My tears were hot and burned my cheeks as they continued to fall. “I’m sorry for disappointing you.”

“Oh, Y/N,” he soothed. “Come here, darling.” He scooped me out of my wheelchair and into his arms, hugging me tightly to his chest. “Y/N, my heart, I love you! More than anything in the world. You are my mate, and I do all of those things you mentioned before because I want to. I am honored that you allow me to help you throughout the day, and you could never be a burden to me. If anyone should be apologizing here, it should be me! I disappointed you today, and I am sincerely sorry for that. I never want you to feel left behind or unwanted again, and I will spend the rest of our eternity making up for my error today. I will also speak to our contractor about adding some wheelchair ramps where we can and an elevator as well. I should have done so long ago.” He wiped my tears away with the sleeve of his robe. “Can you forgive me, sweetheart? I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

I nodded slowly against his chest, taking in deep, ragged breaths in an attempt to calm my feelings. I love him so much that not forgiving him was never really an option for me. After a long time, I spoke to him again.

“Marcus?” I asked quietly. “Do you think things will be different… after you change me?”

He smiled at me, gently moving some stray hair out of my eyes before he spoke. He sighed softly, resting his forehead against my own. “I don’t know for sure, my precious one. We have seen vampire venom heal a number of injuries and ailments in the past, sometimes even snatching someone back from the brink of death, like dear Jane and Alec. Every change is different, darling. I want you to know, however, that no matter what the outcome of yours, Y/N, I will always love you and will work to keep you by my side forever.”

“The world’s first vampire in a wheelchair.” I scoffed. “Some claim to fame.”

“How about ‘Queen of Volterra, Mate of King Marcus’ for a claim to fame?” He suggested, gazing at me adoringly.

“That could work,” I giggled, moving to bring our lips together in a tender kiss. “I’m sorry I let my anxiety get the best of me, Marcus.”

“And I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me, my darling girl. Now, I know it’s late, but we need to get some food for you, and then I believe I can come up with some more… creative ways to apologize to you. Interested?”

“Always.”

The end

#marcus twilight #marcus volturi #marcus volturi x reader #reader insert #reader has a disability #reader in a wheelchair #mention of mental health issues #the twilight saga #twilight renaissance

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bunnidid-reviews · 1 year

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is it frowned upon to wish that one could dissociate or have an alter take over in moments that are awful and stressful? genuine question

Hmmm, this blog is really more intended on reviewing and sharing media about complex dissociative disorders, or could easily be related to CDDs. Certainly not an advice blog for this or anything else > < I think any more general questions about DID can be forwarded to @sundropglass (main blog) if at all, just to stay on topic here.

But since you asked, I may as well share my perspective a little bit. I urge you to read it all.

Of course it's something anyone would want. Shut off and let the stress be taken care of for someone else? go off to fairyland a bit? It's actually an extremely sophisticated way of functioning in the midst of trauma; tuck it away, get through the thing that you might otherwise feel like you're dying from.

But where does that stress go?

Say that you had a very stressful day. Maybe one thing after another kept going wrong. And all day, there was absolutely nothing you could do because you had to carry on with a smile on your face and act like everything's fine, while more dismays pile on top of you. Maybe on top of that, you end up having an argument with a loved one and now you have social anxiety and no sense of safety or relief.

This is not out of the norm. People live very stressful lives all the time. It builds up though, all that stress is piled into your immune system if you don't have any release.(Expressing emotions in a healthy manner) It comes out in the ways that maybe you get ill, or spend all day in the bathroom, or get a migraine. This is what we call the body keeping the score (a book I should read tbh). What the mind doesnt handle(dissociates from), the body will.

This is what people with CDDs regularly go through. Trauma = stress that's beyond your range of coping. Chronic trauma means chronic stress, just stored away in pockets upon pockets where its never dealt with until much later in life. This is why I don't think I know a single system who doesn't have some sort of chronic health issues. The initial trauma may not have killed them, but maybe the health issues that come from all this chronic stress might just finish the job.

This isn't even addressing what the disorder implies mentally.

Look up the symptoms of PTSD, look into personality disorders, attachment disorders, anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation. Any trauma-based symptoms could come with a CDD, because there's nearly nothing special at all about DID or OSDD. They're not sectioned off 'incredible' disorders as much as media or people on the internet will imply. We are normal people who have been hurt. A lot.

We have this disorder because no one came to save us, so we had to turn to ourselves, sometimes at an extremely young age. There's no measuring the amount of hurt it takes for a young child to feel this alone.

Going off this ask alone, but because you wish you could dissociate to such the intensity as you're suggesting, tells me that you haven't actually. Daydreaming or spacing out is a very minor case of dissociation, but the level at which you're having alters would imply that you're hoping to dissociate much further than you actually think you want. Do you not want to recognize your own spouse, or be completely unable to be present in the best moments of your life? This doesn't shut off when you're happy again.

Say fine fine fine, yes yes yes to all of this, you could deal, because at least you'd be another person who would bear the responsibility for you.

I hate to tell you this, but that's not how alters work. They are, at the end of the day, still part of you. They don't magically whisk away all this stress they face, they'd still hold onto it, be strongly effected by it, and you're a lot more likely to have the same stress come back over and over again and go unprocessed because of the fragmentation involved.

If it's to ease off some of the responsibility of being yourself, then.. Well that's not what happens with DID either. Those of us with a CDD tend to feel overly responsible for everything around us, actually. It's not the escape you're hoping for.

In a short answer: Yes it is very believable to want this disorder, to want alters. That's understandable even!

But I'm also going to say this is frowned upon. There is a LOT more to these disorders than some spacing out and some cool characters. I hope you can understand a little more why this mentality is frowned upon; no one who has it actually wants it when it comes down to it

BUT i HAVE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU ANON!! Please listen

It's okay to want to be someone else to get through the stress. It's even okay to turn off your brain and space out. These are natural human things. Just.. They don't have to be a disorder. There are some recommendations for coping that aren't hoping to have a CDD, but might suit you if you struggle with this:

Try to analyze your life and see what it is that's causing you so much stress that it makes you want to not exist in such a way. If you're in a bad environment that you can't change, there are still little things you can do to make it better for yourself

Are there things you CAN change? Maybe you can look into getting professional help or finding a new job, or even so much as regularly tidying up the space you're in

Look up coping mechinisms and grounding techniques

Take breaks and let yourself really unwind. Read a book or go outside and look at clouds or something until you feel calm. I promise this feels way better than dissociation

Fun Coping Tools That Feel Like What You Want Out Of Dee Eye Dee:

create a story in your head. If you come up with a world all your own to explore, it feels like having an inner world

Create original characters you can "be". By this I mean be imaginative like when we were all kids. >>Here's a really cool version of what adults can do if 'playing pretend' seems too childish for you<<

Have some staring out a window time. Just let your mind go for a bit

None of this has to be disordered to be helpful, and have nearly the same effect that you're hoping for.

If you are at a point where you want to not exist for suicidal reasons, I really urge you to get some help. There's always someone who wants you to be around, even if thats some time in the future.

#askies #dissociative identity disorder #why yes I did word vomit on this sorry! I have some feelings about it #I think my blog does a not so great job at showing the harder parts of DID becauseeeee Iiiii am reviewing media thats not always accurate #I want people with CDDs to feel less alone in representation but it is far from wanting others to have the disorder bc its fun #actuallydid

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honest-moth-of-silver-grove · 8 months

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Matchup for bg3! Please! 💜

She/they, bisexual

I have blueish-gray eyes with red hair that's in a side shave (like one side on my hair is shaved). I am chubby, I have tons of freckles except on my face. I like wearing emo style clothes or comfy clothes like hoodies and sweats. I hate dresses and shorts, I don't like showing off skin.

Likes: anything with drawing/painting, games including board games.

Dislikes: uhhh spiders, driving (I refuse to get a driver's license it's a huge fear of mine.) I'm not scared of being in a car just driving it.

Isfp-t, I am a cancer. People say I have rbf (resting bitch face). Though I am really nice to people, unless they mess with the people I care about then I couldn't care less about them. I try to be helpful when I can. When I am around people I know, I can be loud and talkative (the loud part isn't on purpose it's just when I'm happy or excited). I tend to put people a lot before myself. I don't really like talking about my personal issues to anyone and can be known as the therapy friend. It's the opposite though when I'm around people I don't know, I'll be quiet and not wanting to interact. I have adhd, depression and anxiety (wonderful I know). When I do get upset I don't talk and won't interact until I have calmed down. I do cuss a lot though I'm more careful when I'm around kids/people I don't know. If I have a fight with someone I prefer to sit and talk it out and hate it when they walk away from me when I'm just trying to talk to them.

If you need more info just message me! Thank you! 💜

A/N: You didn’t specify which gender result you’d prefer, but since you mentioned you’re bisexual, I included my top male and female picks below! I hope you enjoy!!!

For you, @veethewriter , I think you’d be a great match for either Halsin (Male) or Shadowheart (Female)!

ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ Halsin would be a great fit for you! He’s kind and very artistic himself. And while he enjoys woodwork the most, I think he’d appreciate an afternoon of drawing or painting with you outside in the grove. Many Wood Elves, like Halsin, have either red or brown-hued hair, so he’s used to seeing such a color on people. However, he swears no other elf can compare with how gorgeous your hair color is. And he finds your side shave particularly alluring. He also adores your figure. He is a big guy, he’s tall and very muscular, and can’t help but want to hold and pick you up and squish you (if you’d let him that is). Your supple shape reminds him of nature’s bountiful harvest.

And while he himself has absolutely no qualms about showing off his skin, he respects your desire not to. Not everyone is as comfortable free of the confines of clothing as he is, this he’s well aware of. He’s always on the lookout for organic, comfortable elven clothing he could gift you.

And the good thing about Faerun is the fact that there aren't any cars. If you want to go somewhere, you’ll need wheels, heels, or a spell of some sort. (Or if you’re lucky, a druid boyfriend who can transform into different rideable wild animals. Can you imagine, strolling up to town on the back of a big brown bear? No one would mess with you! lol)

I’m not 100% decided on Halsin’s MBTI. Part of me feels he’s introverted, then again, he’s very willing to meet and work to help others- strangers even, so long as they’re kind and help him in return. I do, however, feel pretty confident that he’s a Feeler as well, so you have one letter out of the four for sure in common. And the two of you are also very open-minded, which he loves. Halsin can’t see himself in a romantic relationship with someone if they were to be angry and close-minded. An on/off sexual relationship? Sure. But for him to have that deeper kind of love, you’d need to be tolerant- which you are!

I also imagine him to be a Taurus, which furthers how compatible he is with you- a cancer. You two are so in love, it’s almost spiritual, like a soulmate sort of connection. No matter how sad or moody (or emo as you said) you can get, his steady and stable temperament will help comfort you, and ground you in times of great emotion.

Halsin, as an archdruid, is kind of the “Dad friend” of the Grove and his Party. He’s the one people turn to for advice and mentorship. You being the therapy friend understand the toll this can take. You’re able to support each other and lavish each other with much-needed rest and recovery when the demands of everyone’s emotional sharing/dumping become too much to take.

Halsin is a very focused and rather positive person, which can be a direct contrast to you with your ADHD and depression. But that’s a really good thing because, for all the things you forget, he remembers. And for all the times your illness and life get you down, he’s right there to pick you back up, or even just ride it out with you until the feelings pass. His presence radiates calm- he’s like a walking talking security blanket. If you’re feeling anxious, you can grab his hand, or have him lay on top of you for some compression therapy (don’t worry, he’s supporting 95% of his weight himself so as to not accidentally crush you lol).

He appreciates how mindful you are around the little ones. It makes his heart flutter. And he can’t help but think what it would be like to be in a family of his own with you one day.

♥ ♡ ♥ Shadowheart is quiet and determined. She’s reserved, especially around strangers, and she puts on a good front, but deep down she’s a sweet girl with a traumatic past. She doesn’t like talking about it too much (that is of course, if she remembers it), but for some reason, she’s more okay sharing such things with you.

She’s not very extroverted or loud, but she can appreciate it when you are. Your joy is infectious, and it’s something she hasn’t felt in a while, so she wants to do everything in her power to make you happy because when you’re happy- she’s happy.

And oh boy does she need therapy! As the therapy friend, she greatly appreciates your ability to listen and not judge when she does talk about her past or her feelings. Being raised in a cult is complicated, and there’s A LOT to process there. It’s gonna take time, and thanks to your open-minded demeanor, she feels safe enough to do a fair amount of it with you.

As a cancer, you and Shadowheart are very compatible romantically as I see her as an Aquarius. Both of you are smart, and devoted, and have a lot of feelings. The main difference is in how those feelings come out. For you, it’s easier to emote than it is for her. But that’s good. When you’re too emotional, she’s ready to reel you back in. And when she’s being too cold, you can help pull her out of her shell.

Shadowheart also has a ‘resting bitch face’, but that doesn’t mean she’s judging everyone. Okay, maybe she’s judging everyone a little bit, but to be fair there are a lot of peculiar characters out there and one can never be too safe! The two of you rarely get any trouble from strangers because you are too tough to mess with. From your more emo style to her ‘dont-fuck-with-me’ attitude, absolutely no one’s gonna be crossing you!

Shadowheart herself probably has a slew of health concerns and mental illnesses that she has yet to address. I imagine, that once she comes to learn the truth of her past, she is at increased risk for anxiety and depression. So weirdly, it’s almost a blessing her partner knows what it’s like living with these things. Your experience shows her that life can and does go on. And she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her with anyone other than you.

#baldurs gate x reader #baldurs gate imagine #baldurs gate 3 x reader #bg3 matchups #baldurs gate matchups #bg3 #halsin x reader #shadowheart x reader #halsin imagine #shadowheart imagine #hc #matchups

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omegapheromone · 9 months

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Hi! :D I’m really interested in hearing more about the (c)ptsd omegaverse hcs you have. I think one thing that I wonder about particularly is how therapy would change? Like, how would the perspective on mental health change and/or how would therapy techniques change, if at all?

I realize that may be a degree of separation too far from the initial post. Really, I’d be happy to hear any of your thoughts on the topic

Auughh sorry it took me a while to get to this I've been feeling out of it but hmm! Here's some of my thoughts!

• Perspectives on Mental Health:

I think it would depend a lot on the decade and the specific culture as well. I'll assume a mostly modern omegaverse setting for a more in-depth response though.

I think awareness of mental health in general would be on the rise among especially younger generations, while older ones might still hold on to a lot of preconceived notions such as "depression/anxiety means that you're just mentally weak" and "only veterans can experience ptsd", and would likely assume that any mental disorder that affects one's perception of reality, such as any psychotic disorders, mean that the person must also be intellectually delayed as well. Just very outdated ideas on mental health, much like how a lot of older folks irl see it. Younger generations would likely understand it better, at least anyone with a decent education would. I'd imagine it as a class issue in general, both in terms of awareness and access to resources.

• Omegaverse and how it affects/complicates mental health issues we already are familiar with

My thoughts have always been that given that we already know really well that mental stuff can affect physical wellbeing (for example: Adverse Childhood Experiences scale, getting physical symptoms as a result of mental health issues, etc) this would likely be amplified a lot in omegaverse specifically because of pheromones and similar.

We already know chronic stress leads not only to physical symptoms like digestive issues and increased risk for cardiovascular disease, but also can affect fertility because it's. Well, hormones.

I'd imagine this could show up as things such as irregular or completely missing heats/ruts, or even stress-triggered heats/ruts, where an overwhelming/stressful situation could trigger a sort of "forced heat", especially when it has to do with the presence/pheromones of other dynamics, and could happen to anyone- for example, an Alpha's rut could easily be caused by for example, a toxic/abusive omega partner or family member, just as a stressed out omega's heat could potentially be triggered by an intimidating/abusive Alpha- and this would apply to betas and any other dynamics as well depending on the canon, of course. Whether these heats/ruts cause any sexual symptoms like a mating cycle type heat would have, is up to the author methinks, and the level of pheromone involvement probably too. As much as this is a bit of an angst/whump topic, I actually like the thought because it creates an opportunity for Omegas to be just as shitty and abusive as alphas, instead of the very tired trope of only alphas being abusive and honestly? Makes it all the more realistic. While it's probably true that an omega in heat is a slightly easier target than an alpha in a rut might be, it doesn't mean omegas aren't capable of abuse, manipulation, and things like sexual assault.

Childhood trauma on the other hand would probably delay dynamic presentation and cause all sorts of hormonal issues later in life, such as the previously mentioned unstable and irregular heat cycles. Childhood trauma can cause all sorts of emotional problems as well, and I think in omegaverse that would show up as uncontrollable/unstable pheromones (such as, being unable to control them when feeling strong emotions and as a result ending up making other people viscerally uncomfortable because idk, someone feels annoyed but the pheromones are so strong and oppressive it feels like they're trying to suffocate you with pheromones alone), and in some cases, literally missing pheromones;

I have a headcanon of someone going through something incredibly traumatic around the time they have their first heat or when their pheromones start to go from "pup/child" to "young (insert dynamic here)", and this could cause said person to just. Completely lose the ability to produce any pheromones. I also imagine that it could cause some sort of health issues on account of, since the body isn't releasing any pheromones and instead holds on to them, the unreleased pheromones would probably wreak havoc on the body both in terms of just. Causing all sorts of physical symptoms, but probably also really messing with the cycle where maybe they don't have a cycle at all except for when the pheromones pile up so much that the body can't handle it anymore and it's almost like an explosive, unusually intense heat/rut that's completely unpredictable since there normally isn't one to begin with. A bad enough one that it's genuinely more like a severe illness than a cycle, and would most likely lead to being hospitalized and possibly put into a medically induced coma because of the sheer intensity. It's something I've been thinking of writing about, actually.

• Therapy?

For me, with trauma stuff, the most helpful form of trauma therapy hasn't been endlessly bringing my traumatic experiences up to a therapist to process them. Rather, what I really benefited from was therapy that was oriented at understanding HOW trauma affects me and the symptoms and emotions it causes me to experience in daily life, and developing skills to reduce them, cope with them and learn to live with trauma. I think similar approaches would be used in omegaverse cases as well.

I think in terms of some cases, for example if someone has a phobia of a specific dynamic, or even severe social anxiety about pheromones, pheromone exposure therapy could be utilized, but that could be a somewhat controversial form of therapy that doesn't always work out for everyone. In some cases, that could even make things worse.

Therapists and other professionals would also probably have to go through extra training to have a good control over their own pheromones, because if they respond with, for example, a distressed scent at hearing someone's traumatic life story, that would likely just cause the person to not want to work on it out of fear that they'll just upset the people who are meant to be helping them.

• Other thoughts

I'm not qualified to talk about it much myself, but I wonder if the hormonal changes of a heat cycle would cause people with psychosis and related disorders to experience a worsening of their symptoms as well?

#gamietxt #answered asks #answered #ask #miscecanis #omegaverse #a/b/o #misceanimalis #gamie headcanons

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straightmenforgarrothromeave · 1 year

Text

minecraft diaries inside out au. stay tuned for the explanations (they’re below)

aphmau as joy:

aphmau, in sort of an obvious choice, was given joy. this is because i imagine she's a very optimistic person, often seen smiling, and because of her naiveté and general oblivion to the worse things in the world she has a very positive outlook on the way she interacts with people and situations. overall, very cheery! i think it fits her very well :)

dante as sadness:

dante was an interesting one, honestly probably my biggest struggle - but only because i couldn't decide if he'd make a better sadness or fear. in the end, i think sadness works best for him: through everything, i don't think dante was ever able to properly settle. i think he's more lonely, quiet, keeps to himself - in such, manages to isolate himself a lot and further contribute to his overall depressing vibe as a character. he always just seemed sadder, hence - sadness. (side note: fear was considered because of dante's constant fear of losing everything once again. it's one of the reasons he's never content, he can't be - something can come and destroy it all.)

garroth as fear:

oh man. garroth got fear for quite a lot of things. originally, he was also up for grabs for sadness, but... eh. didn't fit him as well. garroth represents fear because he's in a constant state of worry and paranoia. he's always afraid SOMETHING is going to happen, something is going to hurt the people he loves, something is going to prevent him from protecting those he holds dear. that, and he's incredibly fearful of being himself - he's a gay man in the medieval era, i don't blame him. there's just always something plaguing his mind and creating that worry. he's also very cautious, which is something that joy (in the actual movie) mentions in fear's introduction: fear makes sure riley stays safe. and i think that's a wonderful reflection of garroth. also! he suffers from anxiety in general, this creates a lot of fearful situations in his head and he ends up scaring himself 97% of the time.

laurance as anger:

ok right off the bat. come on. shadow knight shit when laurance is REALLY angery? come on. laurance was actually the second match-up after aphmau and joy, it seeming to be just the most obvious. after becoming a shadow knight, laurance mentioned how he was losing his temper easier and growing more impatient. we see a lot of anger issues develop with laurance as mcd progresses, so i thought that him representing anger would be perfect. i also can't quite see him as any of the other emotions, so win :)

katelyn as disgust:

ehh. yeah ok. doesn’t fit as well as any of the other ones - this one’s definitely the weakest link. i didn’t have much ground for this one, but i couldn’t see any other (main cast) crew as disgust, including zane - yeah zane doesn’t work. he’s disgust in my mystreet rendition though! but not here. quite a few people brought up how it could work with katelyn though, in the sense of her being disgusted with herself due to the work she has to do, disgusted with zane, so on and so forth. take it as you will!

that’s the most of it yeah. and since i mentioned it, here’s the mystreet rendition:

garroth (joy), aaron (sadness), travis (fear), katelyn (anger), zane (disgust).

definitely some quirks needing to be worked out there but whatcha gonna do. we win these

(ALSO I KNOWWW THE PROPORTIONS ARE A LITTLE WEIRD. still in old art territory)

#aphmau #garroth ro’meave #laurance zvahl #minecraft diaries #aphmau katelyn #aphmau dante

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2af-afterdark · 9 months

Note

If it’s not too much trouble could I get headcannons of the WHB demons seeing how stressed MC gets while traveling?

(It’s me, Hi, I’m the MC in this case)

Meanwhile the plane ends up being one of Mammom’s 50 billion private jets he owns for shits and giggles 💀

🦩

This is late, I know, but I have been a very busy goose lately and things just keep piling up around me. I guess you sent this before your big cruise, but unfortunately you are getting it afterward. 😔

ANYWAY...

Satan

Always go to Satan first. He has his head on straight and will immediately be doing whatever is needed to help MC. Take Ppyong when they travel if they need a companion. He's small enough to go anywhere they may need and can get bigger (and scarier) in a pinch. He has their entire itinerary printed out and given to them so they never have to feel lost. He will even do pre-travel meetings with them to help with all that stress.

I don't think there is a thing this man hasn't accounted for, honestly.... assuming he's not having a depression crash. He's not very helpful at those times... That's why Sitri is there to help.

Mammon

Mammon would never let MC travel alone. He would find any way possible to go with them. Yes, he will use the excuse that he clearly needs to be there to help with their stress. Travel on his very privately owned plane! It's not stressful when you're making the rules.

Also, he will be finding any excuse to hold them during the ride and loading them with amazing food and drink. Honestly, the ride is an experience in and of itself.

Beelzebub

The man travels more in one day than some people do in a year. You would think that would make him a good person to talk to about travel jitters... you would be wrong.

He is so nonchalant about traveling that he doesn't even know the first thing about helping MC out when they get stressed. The actual ride his going to be awful, sorry.

He doesn't offer to travel with them, but you know he will somehow "accidently" end up running into them while they are out. After the meet up, he will gladly start showing them around because of course he is familiar with everything.

Strangely, I don't think he is consciously helping out, but because everything in life just sort of works out for him and he is so positive and charismatic, being around him melts away all the anxiety.

Good luck on the trip back though, because he'll bounce before that just to meet them when they make it back home like nothing happened.

Leviathan

I really think his ability to help is dependent on what the issue is. He would probably be best for the actual traveling part (ie, plane, boat, train, etc.). He will hand you anti-nausea medicine and a sleeping potion. Can't be anxious and stressed if you're asleep.

I get the worst feeling that he spends most of his travel time in his coffin so he doesn't have to deal with being in new, unfamiliar places. Like, he will spend the entire trip in there except for the times he absolutely has to leave so his idea of a trip is just his coffin being in a new place.

Basically, the kind of person who travels to a new country and spends all his time in the hotel room watching TV. Isn't that so relaxing?

Lucifer

I know he just came out, but I want to say he would just be the worst. MC gets stressed and he would immediately be using that against them to make them cry. He is, after all, into that.

As for if he would do anything that isn't completely traumatizing... maybe. But, uhh, I think he would worry about the crying first, because once he knows how to trigger it he can do it again whenever he wants.

#❖ 🦩 anon #love letters ❤️#talkin' whb

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ivefallenforyouandicantgetup · 11 months

Text

My experience with disability has been long, painful, and frustrating.

I have too many stories to tell in one post without making a new ‘Color of the Sky’ so instead I’ll be putting one and rb-ing a new one every now and then. Maybe one story per day for this month? I certainly have enough for that lol

SO!

Let’s meet the ~lovely~ little pains in my butt!

💖ADHD

You know what ADHD is. You use TUMBLR. There’s no way that you don’t

🥳Severe Depression

While you likely know depression, here’s what mine encapsulates: suicidal ideation, suicidal impulses, self harming ideation, Intense self hatred, Disregard for my life and well being, difficulty with hygiene, and of course, a general intense feeling of unhappiness and dissatisfaction at nearly all times unless coping through escapism.

💕Raynaud’s Syndrome

Circulatory disorder characterized by a discoloration of the extremities such as fingertips, toes, nose, ears, (and knees in my case, dunno if that’s normal tho). Extremities are often red. purple, or white and freezing to the touch. My fingers are a direct binary of burning or freezing. They are never the same temperature as the rest of my body. They are either too hot or too cold. When cold: fingers have decreased mobility and are often extremely painful.

🎀Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS)

Autonomic disorder that can basically be summed up as When Stand Blood Go To Feet & Don’t Come Up So Brain No Worky Right™️

Blood pools in the feet, causing there to a be a decreased amount of blood circulating in my body which causes a variety of ~fun~ effects, including but not limited to: Dizziness, fainting, temporary loss of vision, burning like pain in legs, decreased ability to move, brain fog, decreased ability to think, decreased ability to breath, rapid heartbeat, temporary loss of hearing, body tremors, many assorted stomach issues, fatigue, decreased endurance for physical activity of any kind (including laughing and chewing), near constant nausea, and more~

🥰Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

THIS IS NOT PERFECTIONISM. OCD is a variety of anxiety disorder that causes a sort of delusional response unit to randomly appear in your head. Your brain convinces itself that something specific has to be done in a specific way or else something terrible will happen (often to myself, for me). It is NOT PERFECTIONISM, it is a fear of DEATH over something like someone not excusing themself after they burp (that’s actually a real one that I have). It is a state of panic that causes the person afflicted to do rash, unreasonable things fueled by adrenaline and fear. Even when explained to that the thing could not possibly happen, (i.e. my arm will not fall off if I hold it up for more than 5 seconds in class) the person cannot be convinced and will continue to panic. These compulsions happen more than once, often daily occurrences that can be so SO frustrating to deal with.

Thank you~ See you with a lovely story sometime tomorrow 💕

#disability pride month #disability pride #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #pots #potsawareness #potsie #pots syndrome #depression #actually ocd #ocd #raynauds #raynauds syndrome #adhd #physical disability #mental disability #chronic illness #All my physically disabled babes in the club go AYYY #All my peeps that lose their ability to stand see and hear sometimes go OHHH #I might have forgotten some of my ~precious babies~ 🤪 but I will blame that on the brain fog

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kreauxlighe · 1 year

Text

Serirei Playlist

Hey frens,

so a while back i put together a serirei playlist. ive never put together a playlist for a show i like before and i did things a little differently. instead of it being songs that i think are character vibes or songs i think they'd listen to, this playlist is meant to tell a story. each song is in response to the song before it with alternating POVs (there's an exception where reigen gets two songs in a row and one song is both of them together.)

below the cut I've put together a sort of summary of what i imagine happens in each chapter (song) and how this story progresses, along with fun facts about the playlist itself. i spent like a week putting this together so i hope y'all like it

This can be as post-canon or AU as you want, I think it works well either way. If I had to give it tags I'd give it:

mental health issues, depression, hurt no comfort, angst, hurt/comfort, love confessions, breakups, second chances, happy ending

(the cover art was done by my v good pal @crownorclover ! )

Here's the tracks in order and who the song corresponds to. The play list is arranged in a way that from track 7 on it's meant to be a direct response to the track before it.

(For the MOST part the songs alternate back and forth from POVs but there's a couple that are shared POVs and an instance where reigen gets 2 songs in a row)

Tracks

Over in Love - instrumental (prelude)

Working for the Knife (Reigen)

Control (Serizawa)

Nobody (Reigen)

Agoraphobia (Serizawa)

Hello My Old Heart (Reigen)

Head on Fire (Serizawa @ Reigen)

Ghosting (Reigen @ Serizawa)

Hearts A mess (Serizawa @ Reigen)

Two Birds (Serizawa & Reigen)

That Was Us (Reigen @ Serizawa)

Believe (Serizawa @ Reigen)

I'm Not Okay (I Promise) (Reigen @ Serizawa)

Cold Little Heart (Reigen @ Serizawa pt2) (the first half of this song is instrumental and important (see below) but if you really want to skip it you can go to 4:44 but i’ll be sad about it)

It's Alright (Reigen & Serizawa)

An Act of Kindness (Reigen @ Serizawa)

Rise Up (Serizawa @ Reigen)

First Day Of My Life (R @ S)

You're the One (S @ R)

Total Length: 1hr 14 mins

The story this playlist tells is a bit of their lives before they met, their attempts (and failures) to meet in the middle, and then ultimately their success. I personally hc that Reigen has some major depression going on, a sprinkle of anxiety. (a """sprinkle""".) And it's something he refuses to acknowledge and it becomes a major stumbling point in his relationship with Serizawa.

2-5, a look into where both Reigen & Serizawa are individually, mentally and emotionally, prior to meeting

6, they've met and I imagine at this point have been working together for a while and Reigen's heart is like, oh hello?? And Reigen is very much haha NOPE, we're not doing this, that way lies pain. Like their opening tracks, this is all internal for Reigen, he's not communicating any of this to Serizawa which is part of the problem.

7, Head on Fire, MEANWHILE , Serizawa is definitely falling for him and loving it

8, I imagine at this point they've gotten together, they're dating but... Reigen is still holding back. Not his love so much as himself. The man has some mental health issues and needs to talk about some things and Serizawa can see that and is trying to get behind that and Reigen keeps pushing back. This song is full of mixed signals from Reigen. On the one hand he's saying he's gonna stop hiding, he's gonna open up, he's gonna stop being a ghost in this relationship, and that he WANTS to, but it's hard and he's scared and ultimately, he can't do it. He backs away.

9, Serizawa is basically pleading at this point because, I mean, the lyrics say it well enough, 'you can't live like this' but also Serizawa is like, I can do but so much, at some point Reigen HAS to meet him in the middle.

10, This is the turning point, Serizawa fully believes they can do this, they can make it work, and Reigen says he WANTS to but he's still not brave enough. They break up.

11, Some amount of time passes and Reigen finally tries to reach out, to bridge that gap. He misses Serizawa, he misses what they had, and he wants to try again.

12, Serizawa is, rightfully, a bit unsure. This is a lot of what Reigen had said before and although he never doubted Reigen's feelings, there's a lot of other stuff going on under the surface they can't ignore. He's not expecting Reigen to fix everything, or anything, right away, but he needs him to at least acknowledge there's something wrong.

13, Reigen gets to have a tantrum, as a treat. He doesn't really know where to start with what's going on with him, with why he puts himself in dangerous situations, why he smiles and jokes like everything is okay when it's clearly not. He doesn't have the words for it and just kind of bullshits his way through it (again) and panics. This is probably the one song that isn’t quite as close of a match lyrics-wise as I’d like, its mostly the chorus really but what can ya do

14, The instrumental half of this is key here. I imagine this is Reigen taking the time to actually wrangle his thoughts and his feelings, to work up the courage to be actually honest, even if it's to say he doesn't understand why he is this way. The second half is what he manages to admit.

15, The verses are Reigen & the chorus is Serizawa (until it switches to 'I'). They've still got work ahead of them but Reigen is being more open now, they've met in the middle, they just have to go forward--together.

16, Reigen's still feeling a bit anxious about all of this. Serizawa is SO supportive and patient and they're trying again and it can't be real, can it? He wants it to be.

17, Serizawa promises he's not going anywhere.

18, Some time has passed, they're still together, they're putting in the work, and it's hard but it's so worth it. Reigen is, for the first time in a long time, happy and letting himself feel that. He's not as afraid to open up to Serizawa and it feels like starting over again, but in the best way.

19, Mushy mushy wawa stands by his (probably canceled) wife

Fun Facts:

- There's a bit in Head on Fire, " I've been sitting here, hands on the wire / Trying not to fall, but I think I might" that I think is great and romantic and then hits really different when you get to "Two Birds", oof

- I just think having a song called 'ghosting' when they work at a spirit consultation office is neat

- there’s a line in ‘that was us’ , “But as I watched you fly away from me” that just goes right back to ‘two birds’, double oof

- I really like how "if you wanted honesty that's all you had to say" comes right after Believe, just IMMEDIATELY. And it feels so petty and bitchy in response to everything prior which like, yeah peak Reigen vibes lol

- Hearts A Mess & You're the One have a similar like,,, beat? Tempo? I'm not a music scientist idfk but You're the One makes me think of Hearts A Mess and I like how very opposite those songs are, it makes it feel like it came full circle

#serirei #sr #reigen arataka #serizawa katsuya #mp100 #playlist

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swamp-spirit · 2 years

Text

So I have a hoarding problem -

I haven't accepted this until very recently. I knew I 'struggled to keep my house clean', I even knew mental illness was a big part of this, but I never called it hoarding. It's even more recent that I'd be able to talk about it, but I've been learning how common it is, especially for people with anxiety, depression, ADHD, and OCD, so I wanted to talk a bit about my experience because I think it might help somebody else. Hoarding makes you feel gross and disgusting. It makes you feel like you should just go die and clean the world up a little.

If you see yourself in any of this, I want you to know that's good. Accepting this was a problem felt... physically painful, but it has been such a relief. Hoarding is usually less of a mental illness and more of a symptom of other mental illnesses. Realizing so many of my issues were rooted not just in executive function issues, but how those issues combined with my OCD. Like many other issues, the biggest turning point in hoarding is accepting that

A) You have a problem

B) You can get better

I feel so lucky to have realized what was happening so young (I'm thirty, while my two relatives with hoarding refused to deal with it until their 60s and 70s).

I knew my wife had hoarding issues. (FYI, she read over this and it's all shared with permission) She has what I've always thought of as hoarding: sentimental hoarding. It's the kind I think gets talked about the most, but some of the most emotionally painful to deal with. For various reasons, holding onto stuff from her past is really important to her, and it can be hard to get rid of any objects she connects to certain times, experiences, and people. I was able to recognize this as hoarding, but it took me a lot longer to recognize my own problem.

Two years ago, I moved into a new apartment with my wife. We never unpacked most of the boxes. Instead, they slowly became buried.

We couldn't use most of our house. I couldn't access most of my things. The shame was... intense. Every time apartment maintenance had to come in for three minutes to check something, I'd have panic attacks the whole week. Even now, even knowing it might help other people, it's hard for me to discuss the details of how my home looked and smelled. I never had a friend over the whole time I lived there.

So it turns out what I mostly deal with is trash hoarding.

On syndicated hoarding freak shows, trash hoarding is combined with sentimental hoarding. We can be fascinated by how anybody could have an emotional attachment to a bunch of old soda cans.

But I didn't have any attachment to my kitchen full of dirty, empty peanut butter jars. No, I just “cared about the planet”.

Let's break down how 'wanting to recycle' can become life-ruining.

OCD – I have, during quarantine, realized a lot of the overwhelming shame that's dominated my life is a form of OCD called 'moral-scrupulosity'. I want to go through life never doing harm, never hurting anyone's feelings, having any 'bad' opinions, liking any 'bad' media, or thinking any 'bad' thoughts. When I was in my agoraphobia phase, I became so scared of stepping on an insect that the thought of moving upset me.

Recycling is a big part of this. Being a human that creates waste is unacceptable. If it can be recycled, it should be. If it can't be, I shouldn't buy it. If I need it, ???. I should die? Self-flagellate until my carbon sins are atoned?

Hole covered shirts could be mended or cut into rags! And that broken laptop, wow, you can just get rid of a whole laptop? Okay, Bezos. People are starving to death, but I guess we can just afford to not salvage that for parts.

My parents are fantastic at recycling. They buy most things used, recycle everything they can, including driving boxes of sorted items out to the dump since there isn't a robust recycling program in my hometown.

So shouldn't I just be an obsessive recycler? Well, that's where we get

ADHD & Physical Disability

If you have the obsessive need to recycle, and the ability to recycle, you still have a problem. You may have a clean house and a reduced carbon footprint, but it will never feel good enough, because that's not how OCD works.

On the other hand, if you have the obsessive need to recycle, but not the ability... well, that's when you get 30 moldy peanut butter jars scattered throughout your kitchen. Which makes cleaning anything else in your kitchen more overwhelming, which makes it harder to get to the jars, and you're well on your way to spending the next decade hating yourself more and more as your home turns into a biohazard.

My apartment wasn't filled with trash because I 'thought it might be useful', my house was filled with trash because I was physically and mentally unable to recycle, but felt like accepting this and throwing it in the garbage was unforgivable. It doesn't help that there are people who will treat this as unforgivable, who won't understand why I felt the task was insurmountable, but it was, and I wasn't recycling. If I'd kept up what I was doing, all I would have done would be leaving a mess for somebody else to clean up when I died.

It Takes Two!

If I didn't have OCD, I could probably accept my limits and recycle what I could instead of trying to meet impossible standards. Actually, I'd probably recycle more if it was easier to give myself a clean work area. If I didn't have ADHD, I'd probably, you know, recycle the damn peanut jars more often.

Obviously this isn't the combination for everyone. Perhaps throwing things away makes you anxious, but depression has sapped your motivation to sort them.

Listen, if there's parts of your house you can't use (a room, a door, etc), if you're afraid to have people over because there's a pile of trash, it's time to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if you're hoarding.

If you are, qualified help is probably best. There are professionals, both mental health and organization specialists, who do this for a living. There are also many great books on the subject and related subjects. (A friend recently recommended 'How to Keep House When You're Drowning' and I think it contains some great advice.)

One of the biggest things that has changed, however, is realizing why I act the way I do has been vital to getting myself out of it. I spent years trying to shame myself into keeping a cleaner space. Recently, I've been working on a practical, compassionate approach, figuring out how to make cleaning more accessible and tolerable. It's worked better than shame, but... well, it didn't clean the damn peanut butter jars, and it didn't convince me to throw them out.

I thought that keeping trash around to recycle later was better than throwing it out and ‘giving up’. It turns out keeping trash around actually just filled my house with trash, and seeing the overall pattern really helped me make those hard decisions. During my move across state, I got rid of three broken laptops. My wife and I recycled, donated, and, when necessary, trashed about half of what was in our home and... it's such a relief. It was hard. It was painful. I am so glad I did it.

I am not cured. Not falling into the same patterns will take work. I will need help. My home will never be clean enough to make that voice that says I'm disgusting and don't deserve to exist shut up, but I have been fighting that fight for years and have long passed the place where that felt pointless.

The shame is still raw, but shame makes you want to not talk about it, and... I know how much easier the past few years would have been if I'd seen more people openly talk about struggling with cleaning or hygiene, and when they do, somebody always comes in to say “actually, it's not acceptable to let it get that bad. You should be (showering every day/mopping every week/cleaning your sheets every week/recycling everything you can)”. Any attempt to provide comfort and connection when your struggle is less “my counter is a bit cluttered” and more “I can no longer use my kitchen” is met with the accusation that you're enabling bad behavior, that you are disgusting, you should be ashamed, and maybe if you just try, you won't be so gross. Honestly, I’ve really only ever heard about hoarding from the perspective of people struggling with a loved ones hoarding, and though dealing with a loved one's mental health struggles is painful and people should be encouraged to openly talk about it, if us hoarders don’t talk, it means only hearing about our mental illness from the perspective of how difficult it makes things for other people. (or with a recovery arc that fits into a 45 minute episode)

I can't say I'm not ashamed. I have a hoarding problem, it got bad, not even half as bad as it can get, but bad, and the shame is still enough to make me too ill to eat, but I am starting to feel like I don't deserve that shame. And if you struggle with hoarding, or any other problem you feel like is too 'gross' to talk about, I want to tell you that you don't deserve to feel this way.

#hoarding #ocd #moral scrupulosity #trash hoarding #i will be using the block button liberally in regards to this post because my emotions around this are raw as hell #suicidal ideazation tw

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grizzlyofthesea · 1 year

Text

I'm scared.

A few days ago, I was found to have a teratoma--a somewhat rare and disgusting, but most likely benign, kind of cyst/tumor--on my right ovary. Then, today, I was diagnosed with PCOS due to my elevated DHEA-sulfate levels.

Is it good that I discovered all this so I can have it treated? Yes, of course! But I'm feeling nervous and honestly kind of hopeless about what lies ahead.

PCOS is correlated with higher risks of all sorts of wonderful things: insulin resistance, type 2 diabetes, heart disease, endometrial cancer, anxiety, depression... All that good stuff. So now I'm freaking out about how my upcoming glucose tolerance test will go, but more importantly, how I'm going to live the rest of my life. I'm already on a ton of different medications for my other health conditions. I don't want another one just for this. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to "treat myself" with a nice dessert or even a slightly sugary drink like lemonade again, either. I don't want to permanently give up my favorite foods for one stupid disease that just decided to worm its way into my life.

I don't know if anyone in my family understands just how distraught I am. It's not their fault; I keep making stupid jokes about my "inevitable demise" to cope/divert attention from how I'm really feeling, and even when they do see that I'm worried, I play everything off like I'm completely fine. But I'm not. My mind is racing at billions of light years per second. I'm barely holding myself together on the outside. And on the inside?

I'm frightened and absolutely lost. I feel like an inferior version of my brother. I was born first, but I also have the vast majority of medical issues between the two of us, with this whole situation increasing the gap further; it feels like the universe used me as a rough draft before "perfecting" him. I know that's not true, but emotions don't really listen to reason and truth, you know? I don't feel anything negative toward him, and I don't wish any tragedies on him to "make up" for what I'm going through. I'm just confused and upset. I'm scared that I won't really have a chance to simply live life the way others my age do.

I don't want to lose my ability to enjoy life.

#rant #serious #health #pcos #polycystic ovarian syndrome #teratoma #dermoid cyst #scared #lost #confused

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softxsuki · 1 year

Note

Hi, congrats on 1000 subs! ♡

BTW I'm sorry if there is any mistakes it's my first time requesting and english isn't my first language.

1.My pronouns: he/they

2.Fandom: attack on titan, obey!me and tokyo revengers

3.Gender I prefer be match-up with: male characters

4.Romantic match-up

5.I'm ENTP

6.I don't know a lot about Zodiac sign but I'm Taurus

7.Someone understanding, patient but that is ready to put me back on the right track, someone who I can talk to about something I like and listen to me, communication, having fun, have high morals

8.I don't really have one but longs hairs are nice

9.I joke around a lot, I'm really mature emotionally, I have high morals but I still know when it reaches a limit, I always try my best to understand and support others while keeping up boundaries or/and a reminder to go back and what the person needs other than talk, I'm an ambivert, I also like to play around when I'm not telling jokes, I can be loud sometimes and repeat a lot

10.I love reading, sleeping, explore new things, I have a liking for science

11.I worked in retail, I graduated highschool in 2022 and I'm in cegep where I'm studying to go to university in 2 years (I study french litterature) , my room is my safe place, my bsf and is my favorite person, I have a lot of siblings, I have ADHD, I have glasses, I want to become a teacher, I have a good friend group not to big but it's not just 1-2 people, I'm half Canadian/Italian, I have a lot of issues like anxiety, depression things like that

12. For AOT I would like what they do when our anxiety gets bad, for Obey!Me I would like what they do when you have a fight with your family and for tokyo revengers what they do when you overwork yourself because of school

Thanks a lot have a great day/night! ♡☆

1000 Follower Event Matchup #19

This event is CLOSED. You can see the masterlist here.

Note: Yup here you are :) sorry for taking so long. Hope you enjoy.

I match you with: ARMIN, LUCIFER, and MITSUYA

Runner-ups are: Jean, Beel, Draken

Armin:

I think Armin would be a great match with you

He’s caring and intelligent; definitely checks your box of being understanding and patient

You can talk to him about literally anything and he’ll give you the best advice to help you get through your worst moments

He loves how you hold yourself and I think in a way you’d both benefit from each other

You help him open up more and he keeps you grounded

What does he do when your anxiety gets bad?

He’ll take you somewhere where there aren’t a lot of people so it’s just the two of you

He’d hold your hand and probably tell you stories of the world outside the walls, a world of freedom that has scenes of beautiful things you’d never seen within the walls

Really just wants to calm you down and distract your mind from your anxious thoughts

Sneaks you some of your favorite food and watches you happily once you’re feeling more calm

Lucifer:

Is this a shocking choice?

Idk but I think you’d be cute together

Luci loves having long conversations with you, he’s loves how your mind works and you always manage to keep him thinking and viewing things in a different way

He loves the way your glasses look on you, he thinks they make you look extra studious and cute (he also wears glasses whenever he’s in his office so you match!)

What does he do when you have a fight with your family?

He instantly provides you with a space place with him

You’re from the human world and if you’re ever there when you have a fight with you parents, he appears before you instantly and takes you away to the Devildom with him

You’re his special person, he won’t tolerate anyone bringing you down, even if it was your parents

Once you think things through though he’s be ready to take you back home so you can sort things out

He’s ready to step in if things get out of control again

Mitsuya:

And lastly I think Mitsuya would be a great match with you as well

He’s super understanding and patient, I think he manages to understand what you want to say or so without you ever having to say anything…he just knows

He’s your biggest supporter through everything, including your dream to become a teacher one day

Mitsuya is always encouraging you and can’t wait to see you with your own classroom filled with students one day.

What does he do when you overwork yourself?

Well if he sees you constantly studying without taking breaks he shows up at your place and forces you to relax for a bit

He’s pull your books aside and have you focus on something else for a while, whether it he on him or getting out out there house for a few minutes

The last thing he wants is for you to harm yourself while studying, everything needs a break to do well. Overworking will just hold you back and make you sick overtime

So Mitsuya makes sure to keep an eye on you at all times (not in an overwhelming way, but he watches over you to make sure you’re doing well and keeping a healthy balance of studying and relaxing time)

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Posted: 6/2/2023

#aot matchups #tokyo revengers matchup #obey me matchups

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