as isaac, on the walk home
please, won’t you look at me, father?
i can’t erase the memory
of the surrender in your eyes
if i keep staring at your back.
you held my hand as we climbed the mountain.
i felt your pulse through my palm,
your grip tight against the sweat.
God has called us, you said with urgency,
yet you took your time as we ascended.
i can’t remember what i feared more:
the blade,
the flame,
or the aftermath.
who would have made the bigger sacrifice
if there was no ram in the thicket— you? me?
or mother?
is there no test of faith more agonizing
than to forgive?
but even in my final breath, i would have.
i love you even though
i may never understand it,
if only you would tell me. i don’t ask for much—
father! please.
soothe my shivering.
i’m afraid
the next time
i see a knife
i might think
it’s
love.
— Jade A.
escapril day 3: eye contact
@adventurerswritingguild day 3: hand / god / knife
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Soft age and softer dreams
Coffee, cupcake, dairy milk
Right before life makes you see
Its many many cruelties
Now time has passed and
Your coffee's just black
Sleep is more important
Than giving back and yet
You still live on, in autopilot
When ages ago romantic was your plot
Now you're just keeping it alive.
- but why should that be bad , you just need a new dream now
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La Tormenta y Tu
Maskin el viento
Ya bira cara para
Mira Contigo.
Torment and You
Even the wind
Turned his head around
To take a look at you.
Poem by: Cezar Ruiz Aquino
Translated by: Francis C. Macansantos
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Bug Me Not
I warned you, don't get too close to me.
I don't care if you think you can make me happy.
I just want to figure things out on my own.
You are not welcome in my comfort zone.
-
I specifically told you not to bug me.
Can you move to another one, seriously!
You keep trying to shoot your shot, clearly unable to take no for an answer.
If you continue with this pestering I will press charges, I swear.
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Journal Entry #5
I’m thinking about killing myself again. It’s very hard because no one believes that I do. I do want to do it. It’s hard when you just keeps on failing everyday no matter how much you try, it’s always the same.
10-22-21
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Mga Jakolero ng Ateneo
[Poetry]
Pre alam mo ba mula pumasok ako dito sa Ateneo naadik akong magjakol,
kasi unang araw namin, yung Prof tumayo sa harap
tapos bigla nalang nagjakol, edi lahat kami nakatitig, nagsusulat ng notes,
yung katabi ko manghang-mangha, sabi sakin,
“Galing ni Prof magjakol, idol talaga.”
Tapos minsan nagtatawag pa si Prof ng ibang tao para magjakol din kasama siya.
Yung unang beses na tinawag niya ako, hindi pa ako marunong magjakol kaya nagtanong ako,
“Prof paano ba magjakol?” Ayun hinawakan niya yung tite ko tapos hinimas-himas,
tapos ako naman hinimas din yung ulo ng tite niya, sobrang sarap.
Sa sobrang sarap, sabay kaming nagpaputok nang malakas.
Mula noon, araw-gabi na akong nagjajakol.
Wala siyang pakialam kung yung tite namin ay malaki, maliit, mapula,
maitim, may bulitas ba, makapal ba yung bulbol, kung maluwag na yung puke o masikip parin,
basta ang mahalaga lang talaga tol, kung malakas ka ba umungol.
Oo! Dapat yung ungol mo dinig hanggang sa kabilang classroom
para alam ng lahat na marunong ka magjakol!
Pero sa totoo lang tol, ayaw namin sa mga hindi marunong magjakol.
Dapat kasi nagjajakol yung buong mundo para mamulat sila sa katotohanan, diba?
Nako, bumisita kami sa mga indigent communities para mag-educate, sobrang inspiring, pero
kaawa-awa nga lang kasi hindi sila nagjajakol, alam mo ginawa namin? Kinantot namin nang
matindi, kahit sino pa yan para sila rin matuto magjakol tulad namin.
Nakakatuwa lang kasi andami nang marunong magjakol, may tite man o puke,
mayaman o mahirap, bakla man o hindi, nagjajakol na kasi tinuruan namin
magjakol. Pero alam mo ba, iba-iba kasi yan kada school. Sa UP, kaliwang kamay ang gamit
pero yung hinlalaki hinahawakan yung malaki nilang ulo, sa UST kanang kamay tapos
pabilisan, sa La Salle naman astig din hindi nga nila hinahawakan ang tite nila, yung
dalawa nilang kamay hinihimas-himas ang utong nila. Dito naman sa Ateneo, kaliwang kamay
din tapos binabagalan namin ang pag-himas sa ulo para maramdaman ang bawat taas at
pagbaba ng kamay namin.
Ang mahalaga lang pre, marunong ka magjakol
kasi sa totoo lang nakakahiya na hindi ka nagjajakol.
E kanina lang katatapos lang namin sa klase magjakol,
astig nga eh, sabay sabay kaming lahat nagpaputok tas anglakas pa ng inungol namin:
everything is political!
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"The Philippines is the 169th country with the highest suicide rate, with 2.2 suicides per 100,000 people."
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Angela Gabrielle Fabunan, Midway
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angels are real, mine lives in chicago
when people ask how i survived 3 years in a graveyard shift,
i tell them it’s because i have friends on the other side.
i threw a line out the sea and ended up being found,
your tug on the invisible string pulling everything into place.
more than half a day away, but time stands still for us
enough to fit years of stories in the palms of our hands.
even if we’ve only shared smiles from afar,
your wings cross oceans to carry your laugh to me.
when i make it to you, you’ll give me a place to rest,
tangible to match the astral one you’ve already granted.
distance and time zones are nothing at all
when i carry you in my pocket, guardian dear.
now, like sun and moon, we trade waking hours.
still, i fall asleep holding your goodnight text-shaped hand.
— Jade A.
escapril day 2: change of state
napowrimo.net day 2: write a platonic love poem
for @darlingwendy
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— it's a weird feeling being an english grad and a person of colour
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If I could I would
Read all the chapters of your life
Down to the page, to the word
Where we meet
I want to learn you
I want to see your points-of-view
I want to know what and what not to do
But I also want to see if I can be
Me with you, without pretending
Without withholding
I want that, I want you.
- if you could, would you read my book too?
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Sa mahabang panahon
Iniisip kong hindi ako naririnig ng mga tala
Hindi ako paborito ng mga diwata
Ayaw akong pagbigyan ng tadhana
Ngunit sa kabilang banda
Paano kung naririnig naman talaga?
Paano kung paborito naman talaga?
Ayaw ka lang pala mapahamak ng tadhana
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So I got a haircut today. The highlights from last year have been chopped off. I decided to get a haircut because it was too dang hot in the Philippines. Even if you just took a shower, you'll sweat af the moment you step out of the bathroom.
The last haircut and hair change I got was back in August 2021, when my ex suddenly broke up with me when I was freaking having two case analysis in my ethics class and editing my thesis proposal. She got back with me days later. My mother, in the hopes of cheering me up, got me to go to a salon with her. I got my highlights.
Today, I didn't do the hair change because I was broken or anything. It's just too hot here. Hahaha even though it will be two months since our final-final.pdf break up this month, I did not do the hair change because of her. Haha.
I want to try having an undercut but my mother is protesting hahaha. Maybe in a later date, hmm...
Also, I felt cute soooo took a picture.
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