#I won't ask my dad because i physically can't bring myself to ask

[luthienne]

there's just something about the fact that sometimes we are genuinely given too much to bear and we think i cannot do this anymore i cannot bear this for even another minute for even another second and then we do. until either the circumstances change or we change how we react to them. and then we have to find the courage to do it again and again and again. and everyone you've ever met has had to experience this in some form because that's just living.

and the knowing that we can never go back to how it was before feels too heavy sometimes. like i can't swallow that sometimes. we drove to my dad's last fall because i couldn't bear my life. we went to go spend the day with him and then just didn't leave because i couldn't bear the thought of coming home and living my life; i couldn't bear the thought of facing the grief that slept there and kept me from sleeping, i couldn't bear the thought of starving in my kitchen and sobbing in my shower and watching my ceiling spin above me from where i wept on my couch.

over the next few weeks we accumulated belongings in my brother's childhood bedroom. mine has since been turned into the room where boxes of stuff live. so i cried myself to sleep in his bed. i sobbed in our childhood shower. i forced myself to eat in my dad's kitchen. i forced myself to practice in his living room. i wept on his couch. i stayed up all night staring at the dark sky through his windows.

i sat in the dark and wished i could go back countless times and i grieved for myself and i grieved for my mom and i grieved for the life i thought i was going to have that was gone now. and i started a gratitude journal like my therapist told me to because sometimes in very difficult moments i couldn't remember anything that made my life worth living anymore. i found no joy in anything. and i felt like time was running out on me and i was powerless in every way.

and it felt so unfair, like no matter what i did i just couldn't catch a break. like it didn't matter what i did.

my therapist asked me if i could remember the first time i ever had that terrible thought: what if this lasts forever, what if this feeling lasts forever. i was seventeen. trapped in my own body in someone else's bedroom, staring up at someone else’s ceiling painted blue with white clouds. wishing i could go back to before, when my body did the things i told it to do and didn't exist as a traitorous, useless creature separate from me and my wants. i'm still wishing that.

i know she wants me to challenge this terrible thought with the hard-won knowledge that that moment didn't last forever, and so this one won't either. and i try. i develop a routine and i try to follow it, to give myself a sense of normalcy and purpose: wake up, meditate, make a smoothie, journal, practice, go to work. my dad tells me the names of trees on our walks and points out his favorite leaves on the sidewalk. we wrap my mom in scarves and take her to the foothills. my beloved sits with me and holds my hands when i fall apart, and in the dark i sit with my body and remind myself that nothing lasts forever.

i am eating again, and sleeping. i am singing again. i am noticing how beautiful it is when the light catches on wings of birds in the sky and remembering how much i love the smell of the desert in the rain. i am reading, and watching old comfort shows that bring me comfort again.

i finally moved back home. and the grief is still there and i still can't bear the unbearable sadness sometimes. but also sometimes right before dusk the sun turns the mountains pale pink and the sky is soft slate above them and the light that comes through the windows feels impossibly warm and close like a physical presence. like i can almost touch it back. and then the air turns impossibly blue. like i am living inside of dusk and breathing dusk, inhaling blue and exhaling blue.

#k.txt

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi. Can't think of trigger warnings, maybe for crappy therapy and a bad therapist and some mentions of physical illness. Looking for advice. Nickname purple

I'm just wondering if you have any advice on how to get over a fear of/reluctance to seek therapy (and to am extent medical care in general). More and more often I'm starting to think I'll never be able to function normally without some help but I'm so scared to get it. In part I think this came from my mom's own mental illness and how whatever pills she took (no idea what they were or even what they were for besides that there were a lot) left her so out of it all the time and sometimes made her destructive on top of neglectful, and from my dad's distrust of the medical system as a whole, to the point of ignoring his doctors after a heart attack, not seeing care for cancer until it had progressed too far too fix, and generally being reluctant to get me any medical care and being mad at my mom if she took me to the doctor for anything, because it was babying me and would make me think it was okay to be weak and I should be stronger and trust God before 'weird medicine'. Between that and most people in my life growing up basically thinking mental Illness isn't real and anyone who claims to have it is faking maliciously or, especially if they claim to have significant past trauma, flat out delusional (and yes, they applied this to me, even when I was actively suicidal or had visible marks from abuse).

I got sent to a therapist when I was twelve, against my will in a whole court ordered thing, and while I don't remember many specifics of the first session I know I was reluctant to talk and he ended up screaming at me until I shut down. The few additional sessions there were went better, though only because I coasted through and just tried to give the most 'normal' responses to anything he said so I'd be allowed out of it all sooner.

Now, well into adulthood, my issues have only gotten worse and worse. It feels my mind is falling apart and I'm so frequently scared, my emotional regulation and memory are practically non-existent. I can't get away from self harm or disordered eating (though I often doubt a therapist would think those things are significant), can barely keep myself from falling back into substances. I can barely get a job or keep it and sometimes the only thing keeping me here is being scared to die though sometimes that doesn't even work (I'm not actively suicidal right now just to clarify). More than ever it feels like I'm barely real or even alive.

But I'm still scared to even try to schedule a therapy or psychiatrist appointment. I'm scared I won't even be able to talk when asked what's wrong since more and more now I've been having verbal shutdowns, especially in frightening enchantments or under the slightest stress, which I respond to worse than ever lately. I've been thinking of writing down a summary of what's going on but I don't know if they'll accept that, if they'll want me to talk normally. I'm scared they'll want me to go into past trauma but I just can't, not to a stranger or sometimes to anyone at all. I'm scared they'll think I'm just making everything up and turn me away. I'm scared they'll think I'm just a whiny child that can't handle normal life, or I'm just looking for some excuse to not participate in society or get drugs or something (funny, since I'm afraid to take meds and I'd probably just refuse if prescribed something controlled). I'm just scared and I know I won't be able to take it if I get even a fraction of the treatment I did at that therapist back then or most other times I've tried to bring up anything wrong with me to people in my life. I just don't know what to do I'm sorry I'm sorry

Hi Purple, I am so sorry for your experiences, and would like to start by validating your mental health struggles, and trauma history, and commend you for the self awareness it takes to want to develop new coping skills for a healthy functioning base line. We all deserve the space and time to explore what that means for us, and I hope you find yours as well. It makes all the sense in the world to me, that with both your background, and experiences, that the thought of seeking out therapy would feel the way it does for you. I deeply empathize with it, and know it is something that unfortunately does happen within the medical community. I had the opportunity to reply to a previous ask about something similar that I'll link here as well, but essentially, I'd like to copy over two core parts of it: This link about red flags in therapists (not to discourage!) but to help validate your experiences and not potentially self-gas light yourself as you navigate new medical professionals along your healing journey.

But also this part:

"Of course it’s very understandable that without feeling safe, the appointment could feel so jarring that even if you meet a kind one, it could be hard to convey what you’re looking for.  

My first advice would be to ask if someone can go with you, someone you feel comfortable with, and who you might even be able to practice a dialogue with beforehand.  

Even if they can, or cannot come, my second piece of advice is to have your questions written down as well.  Worst come to worst, if you feel unable to verbally share your concerns, perhaps you could slide them over so they can reply.  

My third piece of advice is to ask for a print out of the after visit summary, with clear instructions and follow up to what the next steps might be - something you can refer to in the future as well." Regardless of what you choose moving forward, I hope you find someone who helps you feel seen, heard, and encourages you along your healing path.

Mod Kat

#trauma talks #mod kat #therapy #purple

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

vent/rant i guess..

i see a lot of things regarding ed recovery that talk about how "i got sick and tired of being this way or of starving myself/ect. ect." and i just.. i appreciate the sentiment but that's never been how it works for me. at most, it's temporary motivation that fades out soon.

sometimes i'll be eating okay and then our stove is broken so i can hardly eat anything (i live with my parent as a student) and we can't go out either because our family friend is staying with us to do some repairs to our house, so my dad and him just eat steak every night or something similar. i tried steak with them once because i just. didn't feel like starving. and.. it wasn't my thing. so i can't really eat steak either because of the flavour and texture.

and i discovered the weight machine a few weeks ago so that's been.. not so conducive to my recovery. and i was losing weight. faster than i've ever lost weight before. and.. i found myself happy about it. it wasn't any sort of concerning rapid weight loss, but.. i was happy.

found out i can actually make food in an instantpot now. which is.. not ideal, but. it's better than nothing. and now i'm not really losing weight anymore which.. is a little bit of a disappointment?

anyways, as i was saying. i fluctuate constantly between: "ok lets do this. i like eating food because it tastes good i want to consume it." and "ew i hate food i don't like eating food it makes me gain weight i don't like it."

(i think it may be good to note that eating doesn't actually make me gain weight with the amount of food i used to consume daily. i think it's mostly bloating since i always tend to return back to the same weight in the morning and then hover around the same weight after i eat food.)

agh, i guess this is kind of long. but. idk. needed to get this out to someone who actually understands lol

Hi! I'm glad you found my blog a safe place to get this out! I took a while to get to this (It's taking me some time to get to asks rn bc Life) but I think that a lot of people will be able to relate to this. It can be really hard to commit to recovery, especially because peoples' EDs & motivations can fluctuate. I definitely get what you're saying, since I also have temptations to sort of "punish" myself when I'm down or deny myself things like good foods.

It can be hard to commit to recovery when you never know what circumstances will trigger a relapse! It can also be hard to figure out exactly what will work for your body and mind at differing points in your mental cycle. I'd suggest you bring a safefood to just nibble on if you find yourself in a circumstance where you can't bring yourself to eat whatever food is on offer.

While it sounds like your relationship with food could use some healing, I think it sounds like there might be more underlying work to do regarding your relationship with yourself and with your body. Like learning to tell yourself "I deserve health and healing even when I'm in a place where I feel like I do not" or "I deserve to treat myself with care especially when I feel like I don't" or "My body has worth because it houses me and that worth does not change based on my weight/appearance/meal bloat."

(Also, speaking as a chronic illness sufferer, if you are experiencing extreme bloat even after eating small amounts, or are in physical discomfort after eating from bloat, you may be allergic/have an intolerance to a specific ingredient. If this is the case, and if it won't trigger your ED too much, I suggest you fiddle around with your diet until you find out what's making this happen! Small amounts of bloat are normal after meals, especially if your body is adjusting to eating normally again after a lengthy pattern of restriction, but serious physical change/discomfort could indicate an underlying problem. Remember, your body deserves to have food that makes it feel good!)

#ed recovery #ed cw #restriction cw #body image #weight mention #ana recovery

[stormz369]

If I Were Thin I Still Wouldn't Be Healthy

My dad is replacing my phone for me, which is very nice. But he's only doing it so I'll have one with enough memory for the Fitbit app, which my mom wants me to use. She wants me to use it because she's enjoying it, but she doesn't seem to take into account that my I have an incurable chronic condition that means that I cannot walk for more than a few minutes without intense pain, and that I wake up with pretty bad pain to start off. I've agreed to use it mostly to shut her up, but also a bit because I'm curious about the sleep data it apparently gives you.

The extra bands and charger arrived today, the Fitbit itself will arrive tomorrow supposedly. I haven't even got the phone yet, and won't until some time next week. I specifically asked my mom to hold off on getting the Fitbit until I had the phone and knew that it worked (cause we're getting it from a site that sells floor models and ones where the box was banged up), but fine. It's kind of her to get it for me, and it's kind of my dad to get me the phone. Can't complain.

She also sent me a scale. A smart scale, which you hook up to the Fitbit app and it tells you your BMI, body fat %, metabolic age, and a bunch of other stuff. BMI is a scientifically invalid way of gauging health which P.E. teachers liked to shout out in front of the whole class all throughout my elementary school years.

I was born 10 lb. and some number of ounces. I had no control over that. I've had a thyroid condition that makes it hard for me to lose weight and easy for me to put it on in the first place. I have no control over that either. People, usually doctors, have used my weight to shame me literally since the day I was born, and to shame my mom for the 6 months before that. Why did she think sending me a scale was a good idea? I've had a personal rule for myself since I was 10 years old that I would never own a scale, never use one outside of a doctor's office, so that my own home couldn't be a place where I would be made to feel ashamed for something that I have little control over.

I've worked so hard to love myself, to not feel like a bad person for having a popsicle, or a slice of cake for my birthday. It seems stupid for a scale to shake that, but it did. I've felt judged since this whole conversation started, but now ... Now I can't stop crying. I can't bring myself to tell my mom that I'll never use it, and there's no receipt, so I can't just slyly return it and use the money for something I might actually use.

Stupidly, what's most upsetting is that my mom said a while ago that she had some 'surprises' she was excited to send me. She has access to my various wishlists, so I thought maybe she had picked something from there, as a sort of 'good for you' for finally giving in on the Fitbit thing. I fantasied briefly that maybe she'd get me one of the big ticket items I've been wanting but could never afford myself. Even if she wanted to get me something healthy and not something fun, she could have gotten me a little bike pedal thing off my list (which is only a bit pricier than the scale she got me, I checked, and the scale was blessedly not very expensive), or some ankle and knee braces to make it easier for me to walk without my joints going all screwy. Instead she got me something that isn't on my list, that I don't want, and that is making my heart hurt.

I just want my parents to love me, to not be ashamed of my. But they just seem to care about my health, and the way they act about it makes it feel like they think it's my fault. The only encouragement I get from them is about my physical health, most of it coming at the expense of my mental health. My health continues to deteriorate, and I can't make it stop.

But I mustn't be ungrateful, because they're spending money to help me with my weight. My weight, which I was learning not to be ashamed of. Maybe they'll finally manage to shame me into being a shape they can be proud of, and I can stop feeling like this.

[lokisivy]

MADE FOR EACH OTHER (CHAPTER 2)

Cassie Thomas

The sting on my back keeps rubbing through my sweater; it burns so much. I have to cover them up, though I tried to put bandages on the scars as much as I could reach. As I approach the school gate, I'm met with a pair of brown eyes. Peter, what a sight for sore eyes.

"Hi, Pete." I greet him. he holding pieces of our project "please don't tell me you broke it." This project is due tomorrow if fucks this up, I'll kill him. "I didn't... umm.. Gravity did it." he said, finding the dumbest but logical excuse ever. "Really, peter?" I sigh."Yeah, it's Sir Isaac newtons fault." he says slowly, breaking a smile as I burst into laughter.

"Come back to my place today after school, and we can rebuild it." he says, put his hand on my shoulder, making me wince in pain. "What's wrong?" he takes his hands off and stops walking. "Nothing just sore shoulder from working out." I lie "since when do you work out?" he gives me a sus look.

"Just shut up and walk." I roll my eyes playfully. "You come back to my place. My dad won't let me stay at yours." I tell him,"fine, we can go after physics."

We go our separate ways to our class schedule.

...

After I and Peter are Finnish with the physics class, we head back to my house to fix the project. he messed up; it's going to take really long.

"Hey, wanna see something cool?" I ask him. "Yeah, sure." He replies, and I take off my necklace, leading him to the wear house near my house.

"Now don't freak out I always had these powers, I just use them for fun and I've never hurt anyone Purposely using them" I said Pulling my hands out of my pocket That slowly start Moving them towards the leaves on the ground as they start floating.

I stop after I see Peter's shocked face. "Please say something."

"I'm shocked, Cass." His so stun. "This is amazing; it's beautiful."

" So you're not scared of me? You don't think I will hurt you? You don't think that I'm a ticking bomb?" I say, surprised.

" Why would you think that The good Things could do with your powers You could save lives And even if it brings bad in you I'm sure you don't mean to do it." He smiles slowly, stepping closer to me.

" I was so scared to do this. I told Beth 2 months ago, and ever since then, she stopped talking to me." Beth was my neighbour and best friend. she knew everything about my dad and told her about my dad, which meant I also had to tell her about my powers. She was scared of me, so I stopped hanging out with her to avoid ruining our friendship." I explained

" You stop talking to Beth because you thought She was scared of you. She's a person who never thought this was real. She was shocked, not scared, Cassie. She probably thinks you hater!" He raises his voice, thinking I'm a crazy person.

"What was I supposed to do? I can't risk anyone knowing, and I didn't want our friendship to end on bad terms, so I just avoided her." I say, shrugging my shoulder. " You're such a dumbass." Peter said.

"fuck off." I slap his shoulder.

"You know what, I will show something too." Pulling something out, I'm not sure what it is.

"Hold on tight," he grabs my hips, all know suddenly flying with a clear rope attached to his hands.

"What the hell! How did you-" I got cut off swinging to a different place. "peter, you're ..." I trail off "spider man, yeah, I'm." he said, smirking. he slowly dropped us down.

"That explains your fast reflexes. The abs you grew, you don't even work out." I rant my thoughts out. "Hey." he said in offence. "Okay, put me down before I shazam your ass with my witchy powers." he tells me okay and puts me down.

We continue walking back home and make short conversations. "Why did you tell me about your powers?" I ask."I always wanted to tell you, so when you told me about yours, it made me feel that I want to do the same to make you feel safe and myself too." he answered honestly. "I'm so scared, Pete. I feel like these powers are a huge burden; I can't control it if I'm not wearing this stupid neckless." he looks at me, surprised at my confession. "I didn't think you would think this negative about this." I stop walking as he, too."it's just so hard to think I might hurt someone again with this the moment I'm overwhelmed; I just burst into a fucking boom that can't be stopped." I put my neckless back on, scared of my coming-up mental breakdown.

"Hey it's okay I have some friends that might find a way to help you," he said grabbing a hold of my cheeks feeling his warm hands upon my cheeks a tear slips from my eyes "okay I will take you tomorrow afternoon." he says, wiping my tear. "Now, let's go so we can rebuild the project I ruined." he says, smiling slightly. I pulled away from his grip. "So you admit that u ruined it, not gravity or sir Isaac newton." I laugh and playfully push him, and air quotes his words.

"it's either it or an old woman getting hit by a car." he rolls his eyes at me. "Come on, there is still so much to walk." I shove him in front of me so he can walk. "You're rich. Why don't you use your car?" he asks."I like to get my cardio in." I shrug,"so walking 8 miles a day will get your cardio in." he says, making fun of my excuse."So weird."

"Oh, shut up.

...

Eight hours. Eight fucking hours.

" peter, I'm so fucking tired. Do your powers come with speed so we can finish this?" I whine at him, huffing. "No, but that would be cool, though."

"ughhh. I'm going to write the research paper explaining the prototype you finish this." I get up and go to my desk, opening my laptop.

I hear knocking on the door. it must be mary informing me she was going to leave. she is our nanny. she cleans and cooks for us; she also knows about Dad.

"Come in!" I yell. When the door opens, I meet with my dad's figure. "Hey, Dad, how was your day?" I ask politely,"it was good, sweetheart. What's about yours?" he responds and gives me a fake smile. "Stressful, we are working on a project it's due tomorrow." I respond, playing along with his act.

"Hi , Mr. Thomas.peter speaks up, "Hello peter, how are you, and how is your aunt?" he asks

"We're good." he smiles back. "it's 12 am when you guys are done go to bed peter you sleep in the guest room son," he says, closing the door and leaving.

I'll be back. " I run to my door, leaving my room. "Dad."

"What do you want!" he whisper yells, knowing peter might hear something. "Are you okay?" I ask

"No, I'm not. I miss my wife, and I had a shitty and I obviously can have what I want because your friend is in there, and you obviously can't be quiet." he says, frustrated

"I'm sorry, but this project is half of our grade." I apologise

"Well, that's not gonna fix anything. I will just go to a club; at least these sluts will be better." he says, walking away angrily.

Thank god I wasn't ready for this again. I walk back quietly, sitting on my desk to continue my work.

...

Hi bubs, I hope ur doing okay. I know only 2 people are reading this , but I will still write.

ik that cassie's dad is an ass but he won't be there for long hope you enjoyed my beautiful 2 readers.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes fanfic #eddie munson fanfiction #loki fanfic #loki imagine #loki smut #loki x you #stranger things imagine #eddie x you #loki (marvel) #loki odinson #loki #loki x reader

[halensgreatescape]

TW!! A big vent

I had a really bad episode today, I was at my father's house and I got that feeling that it was about to happen, and well if you know how that goes down.. or if you don't.. in my experience what happens is I downwards spiral, it gets intense and then it takes all of me to not fall apart then and there. I also go non/minimal-verbal, where I can barely make myself say words sometimes.. So I asked my father to bring me home, there we are in the car with a 45 minute or longer ride ahead of us, I'm crunched up to the window and can't pretend like I'm not about to fall apart.. my father notices and asks me what's wrong to which I replied "Nothing" the conversation went as follows "That doesn't work with me" -father "its nothing"- me he's persistent and won't stop asking so I tell him that I would rather not talk about it, because I didn't want to talk about it. I'm over here in the corner having an episode and he's freaking out on me "Did I do something?" to which I said no countless times He's stressing me out more so I become more voiceless Then he brings up the fact that my older brother had asked me to go to "dad's" with him on Thursday, to which I gave him a blank stare. I was unable to get any words out at the time but in my head I was just thinking 'Yeah well I almost tried to kill myself Thursday' then eventually he decides "You're not talking so I will" and I get a goddamn lecture of what a terrible person I am, I don't treat people right and that I should show a bunch of respect for not being deadnamed this weekend.. when I was constantly misgendered. My "father" traumatized me as a kid he was verbally abusive, physical towards objects and sometimes people (i.e. banging on doors, "jokingly" hitting me w a belt, "jokingly" kicking me with a boot) I watched the fight where my parents divorced and he was drinking, he had a beer in his hand they both were yelling and he eventually called the cops on my mother and someone had to leave the house. I'm still traumatized to this day but I've been trying to have him in my life, we had a good weekend last weekend .. but the moment I have one of my episodes which are unpredictable and nearly impossible to control everything becomes my fault.. I become the abuser, the manipulator, the user. I become what he is and nothing is his fault no way because he 'does everything for me'. The only goddamn reason I spent this weekend with him was because I kept getting fed "He hasn't been the same without you", "I haven't been the same without you" I'm constantly guilt tripped and I'm tired of it. I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of being asked why I'm like this, what happened, why I'm suicidal, I never asked for it, I didn't ask to be borderline, I didn't ask to get traumatized by you "dad". But it happened. And it's goddamn hard to live with. You're such a big trigger for me can't you see that? I can't even trust in my mother right now because of a big fight we had that's left me scared to tell anyone anything. You happened. You had a huge part in ruining me. You scared me. You traumatized me. You had me thrown in a cop car at age 9 because I wouldn't go to your place. You are the reason that I barely keep you in my life. Anytime I think we're making progress you ruin it. You made me flashback to back then in the car today when you wouldnt stop asking and I yelled "Would you please stop?" or something along those line and you aggressively pulled over I didn't chose for you to adopt me. I didn't chose for you to traumatize me. BUT YOU DID. AND Y KNOW WHAT I WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF WITHOUT A DAD THEN ONE LIKE THE SO CALLED "DAD" YOU ARE. THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE NON-VERBAL THING , THE CRYING. ALL OF THAT, WAS PART OF THE THING CALLED BPD I HAVE. IT MAY NOT BE MEDICALLY DIAGNOSED BUT I HAVE THE FUCKING SYMPTOMS AND SHIT. SO EVEN IF A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL DOESN'T REALIZE IT BECAUSE I'M A "HORMONAL TEENAGER" OR WHATEVER, AND IM NOT 18, I RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY HEAD. -Halen 05/15/2022

#bpd #bpd problems #vent blog #tw vent #bpd vent #actually bpd #bpd feels #tw sui implied #bpd shit #actually borderline #borderline #personality disorder #bpd things #bpd stuff #tw depression #anxi4ty #self h@rm #tw self destructive behavior #selfharn #trauma #childhood trauma #teen mental health #mental issues #mentally fucked #mentally ill #mental health #narcissistic abuse #childhood ptsd #tw cptsd #cptsd coping

[casspurrjoybell-24]

My Unwanted Mate - Chapter 3 - Part 3

*Warning Adult Content*

Calvin Frey

Mom stood at the counter, a large knife cutting through a carrot with enough speed that I was worried it would be her finger next that the knife went through.

Just because she knows what she's doing doesn't mean there aren't accidents.

She hasn't lost a finger yet but there had been plenty of near incidents.

Ones that included lots of blood and her cursing under her breath.

Hopefully that won't happen today.

"So when are you going to properly introduce your mates to the family?"

The question came out of nowhere and made me jerk.

My mug of black coffee tipped and I rushed to set it up right even though the contents had already been spilled.

Tearing off a bunch of paper towels to clean up the mess I made it a point to appear busy and ignore Mom's question.

I had yet to tell her that I sent them away.

Shit, if I could I'd never tell her but I knew she'd get suspicious if she didn't see them around.

It wouldn't be hard putting two and two together.

The biggest clue being that we'd never be seen together.

She'd mentioned that she'd seen them working at the pack house.

Which was good for me because she wasn't suspicious about their absence.

Although my first thought had been worry.

'Why did they need to work? Did they not have any money?'

I remember them saying they had to leave their pack.

What about family? They shouldn't have to work.

Which was a ridiculous thought... they weren't mine to be worrying about.

I didn't want them to be.

"Oh," Mom turned to me, her large knife pointed at me.

"Your dad wants to talk to you. Why don't you bring Benjamin and the twins over to the house and we can have dinner together."

Tossing the soaked paper towels in the trash, I kept my back turned to mom.

What could Dad want to talk about?

When he does talk, it's about something serious.

He's not like Mom who has something to say about everything.

He's more of an observer.

Turning back around to face Mom, I finally realized what she had said.

She wanted the twins to come.

That wasn't going to happen.

I've done good avoiding the need to go out and get my mate's to bring them back home.

I had to keep reminding myself that this isn't their home.

They're not mine.

I don't want a mate or mates in this case.

But I can't tell mom that.

"Maybe another day."

"I understand," Mom said, smiling at me.

"You've just found them and want them all to yourself."

If that's what she wanted to believe, I wasn't going to correct her.

Not when I knew she'd freak if I told her the truth.

There's going to be a day sometime soon when she does find out what I've done.

I didn't want that day to be today.

Or ever if I had it my way.

My pup stumbled into the kitchen before mom could ask anymore about the twins.

Benjamin's big hazel eyes were drooping from the nap he'd just woken up from.

His dark hair was all over his head and he'd somehow lost his bottoms.

"Papa," his little whine had me picking him up, trying to see if there was something physically wrong.

'Did he run into something? Did he fall?'

He hugged me, his head resting on my shoulder.

"What? Grandma gets no love?"

Mom put down her knife and came to stand beside me so she could get a look at my pup.

"Hi Gammy," Benjamin spoke softly before tucking his head in my neck. I frowned at mom, worried for my pup.

"What's wrong, pup?"

Rubbing his back soothingly, I tried peaking at him without moving him back.

"Belly hurt."

"What have you been feeding him? See this is why I came over. Your cooking is killing him," Mom complained as she went back to cutting vegetables for the roast she insisted on making us.

Frowning, I kissed the top of my pups head and sat down at the table with him in my lap.

All he's been eating is kiddie snacks and the pizza I had delivered.

It probably wasn't all that healthy or fulfilling for a growing pup.

But like mom had said, my cooking wasn't any better.

Sitting down at the table, I continued rubbing Benjamin's back until he eventually drifted off to sleep again.

He's been sleeping a lot the past couple of days.

Could he be catching a cold from playing out in the snow?

I know it was a common thing for humans but not wolves, our immune systems are strong and fight off the common viruses.

He hasn't had his first shift yet though, so maybe it could be a cold?

Mom had brought over her large crockpot and had a roast going.

She reminded me multiple times to cut it down to warm when it finished cooking. It was enough to last us a few days.

I never asked Mom or Torin to come over and feed us but they'd started doing it some time last year.

Apparently they thought we weren't eating enough.

It was a relief when Mom left... not because I don't like seeing her but because I didn't want her to ask me anymore questions about the twins.

I wish I hadn't met them while family was around, it would be so much easier getting rid of them.

Laying Benjamin on the couch and covering him with the blanket, I pressed the back of my hand against his forehead.

He felt a little warm but we're Werewolves.

We're always a little warmer.

Hopefully with sleep, he'll feel better later. 

The back door opened and I groaned, thinking Mom had come back.

I didn't expect to see the naked male who was standing in my kitchen going through the fridge.

"You don't have shit here but apple juice," Robbyy complained but continued to drink straight from the jug.

"What the hell do you want?"

Going into the laundry room I grabbed a pair of jogging pants before going back into the kitchen.

"Your brother is being a pain in my ass."

"One I'd prefer not to see."

Throwing the pants at him, I turned away and occupied myself with pulling a cup from the cabinet.

Robby chuckled under his breath.

"Right, you prefer when they come in pairs."

My jaw clenched but I chose to ignore the jibe.

"What did Torin do?" I asked, taking the jug of apple juice from the Alpha male and pouring some in a cup for him.

Robby frowned down at it and stayed quiet for a while.

"It's nothing," he groaned, clearly irritated about something.

"He won't let me touch him," he blurted out and I quickly shushed him, listening out for my pup.

"He says it's the month of the Moon Goddess, so we can't fuck," Robert continued complaining.

My brows furrowed as I thought over his words.

I didn't want to hear anything about my little brother's sex life.

Then I thought about all the holidays Mom had us celebrate while we were growing up and I couldn't remember there ever being a month dedicated to the Moon Goddess.

Especially one that kept you celibate.

If anything, the Moon Goddess encouraged her children to mate.

It took everything I had to hold in my laughter and keep the smile off my face.

Apparently the Alpha had done something to piss off Torin.

"This isn't fair," Robby growled and paced across the kitchen.

"It's already been a full six hours. He won't even let me use my mouth."

"Gross, I don't care."

I shook my head and took a sip from the drink Robby abandoned.

"This is an important month to those that celebrate. It means a lot to them."

I forced myself not to laugh and had to turn away to hide my smile.

"I know," Robby sighed, his shoulders sagging as if giving up.

"I'll just hang out with you," he decided.

"We haven't done that in forever."

I had a feeling this wasn't going to go so well.

Robby had the ability to get up to no good even when he wasn't trying to.

It's been a long time since the two of us had time to hang out alone.

A recipe for disaster.

Maybe this was something I needed.

A way to get my mind off... things.

"What do you want to do?" I asked, knowing Torin would be eager to have Benjamin for a day.

[thoughtsonchronicpain]

8/15/2023 (early morning)

Why am I crumbling now? It's been months of pain in my back and over a year of discomfort in my throat. Why is it now that I cry every night, only to fall asleep once I've fully exhausted myself?

I feel like I've reached a breaking point. I don't even know how I've gone this long without breaking like this. It feels so sudden. Why now?

I'm not sure how many people will see my posts, but it feels good to put my thoughts out there.

I'm scared. I'm scared of breaking even further.

It's strange that these days my longing for escape from my body is not motivated by depression. My body and mind are once again at war, but this time I want to escape my body, rather than my mind. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

But it's not that simple. The body and mind are too interconnected for it to be that simple.

All I know is that I am in pain and I want it to stop. I want it to stop so, so badly.

How am I supposed to live like this? I'm not asking that because I think that this pain will last forever. I am not future-oriented enough for that. I'm asking because I know that right now I am hurting. I'm asking because tomorrow I'll be hurting, and I have to go to the grocery store. I have to go to Target. I have to commute to Manhattan from Brooklyn for physical therapy.

I wish I could go home and be with a family that brings me comfort, but I'm not sure if I have that. It would be nice to be fed and not have to worry about little day-to-day stressors (that are much bigger when you're constantly in pain), like going to the grocery store or Target. But my parents aren't in New York, and I have to be here for PT and my many doctor's appointments. Maybe Dad can stay in New York instead of Colorado this fall.

But then I wouldn't be with my roommates. I love my roommates. I would feel so lonely without them, so far away from them.

I guess I can't have both. I can't have the more physical support and comfort of being with my parents, and the emotional support and comfort of being with my roommates.

Why are the pain and discomfort getting to me now? I don't think it's because we broke up. It could be because I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a three weeks and I won't be seeing her for the next three weeks either. But we didn't even talk about my pain and discomfort that much.

I'm scared. I'm scared at how fast my attitude has changed. I'm scared of what could happen if it deteriorates further.

Not to be that bitch, but I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Am I wallowing? It's absurd to be this upset all of the time, but also I am in pain ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME. So maybe it's not so absurd. But it is exhausting. It's all so exhausting.

[anicaha]

Giving myself the credit I deserve

I am always reflecting my past actions and verbal communications with people. Thinking about what I could have done and said differently. My dad said "it's not what you say, it's how you say it." Its probably the reason, when I lose it on someone or about a situation, I always ask "am I wrong". I can always take criticism or another point of view. So why is it that when I try to explain my POV, its disrespectful or I'm closed minded or something from years ago gets brought up so I'm still in the wrong?

Always going on a tangent about something. Always overlying explaining so my words don't get misconstrued. Always thinking about someone else's feelings, mental and physical being than my own. Maybe how I was treated when I was younger molded my mental state to believe that I dont deserve anything. I'm selfish, a bitch, a mean bitch, a bum, lazy, angry, little girl. The only time I'm not is when a favor is needed or when I'm on the boarder of losing my cool.

I reflect on everything, especially what was said to me. It replays over and over and over again in my mind like a broken record player. Then I think of all the times it was good. When there was a glimmer of light at the top of this dark cave shining down. All the laughs, what I felt were heart to heart moments, enjoying the moment and the company. Now what repeats is "well what the hell did I do wrong? How can I fix it? Is it even salvageable? Is it even worth it?" The answer is always no.

I hold no I'll will to anyone. I would never want anyone walking this earth to feel I have wronged them in any shape of form. I apologize to anyone that has or have feel slighted by me. I was wrong and I'm trying now to be a better person, though I'm not perfect. If I could I'd hug to and tell you in person. It's never my intention on hurting anyone. I want everyone to win and be happy. I hold no hate towards anyone.

If I ever told you I loved you, I meant it and it doesn't just go away.

But damn a lot of people I was close to and would die for have done me the dirtiest. I couldn't even fathom doing or say a fraction of what was done and said to me. On top of me being a minor when most of it was done and said. It messes up my mood for the rest of the day. I'm glad I seek out therapy and got medicated. It doesn't make everything go away but it helps and I'm so grateful for that. I refuse to revert to how I was before. Always on survival mode, panicking on what's to come next, depressed, won't even look at myself in the mirror.

Damn I've come a long way. If no one is proud of how far I've come, I'm proud. I didn't even think I'd make it close to 30 years and yet here I am, still pushing through at 28. I could have ended up a much worse human being. With all the secrets I kept, and still keep, everyone would known these individuals business. I could go lower and be a vindictive person, do a tell all. But I would never do that. I can't bring myself to do that. I believe in karma for one, and for two I wouldn't get anything out of that. We would just be miserable people going back and forth til the end of our days. I don't want that for either parties.

I just want to be happy, or at the very least come close to know what happiness is. But if I live this life not ever seeing happiness, I'm definitely making sure my son does, because he deserves it.

💋 aojm

#blog #thoughts

[ch-cali]

12/20/2022: Start of my personal diary

So basically this is my personal diary for my life from here on out. It's 12/20/2022 and I just finished moving back in with my parents with my daughter. I separated from my partner, which is a whole other story. This is hopefully going to be a sort of documentation about my progress with myself from here on out. I struggle with bipolar disorder and anxiety. I have been pretty well as of lately especially regarding my situation. I struggle with my self image and weight. I am currently in the 160's and plan to start taking better care of myself. I am not a majority single mom. When I brought up to my partner about how we're going to split out time he literally said "I never wanted this in the first place" and so I asked in regards to her? abortion? while literally holding my over 1 year old in my arms with my partner furious at me. At us. He said yeah and I said very angrily to please go away I don't want to talk to him bc how are you going to bring this up with her right here? And he went on saying "am I not allowed to have feelings? Only you are allowed to say your feelings? Well this is how I really feel. Why can't I say how I really feel?" And on and on about that and I literally had to get away. ASAP. He literally admitted that his mother is more scared of losing her than he is. I am just heartbroken and don't really trust him alone with her any more for other reasons even before this argument. Not physically abusive or anything just very neglectful to the both of us most of the time. I am so happy that less than a week after that I was out and I just finished finally unpacking everything (I think) and I'm settled in but don't quite feel comfortable. I miss how things were and I cry most night causing a skin inflammation and issue under my eyes making me look absolutely horrible. My room has none of my old decorations as I left my old room and my decor to my little sister as soon as I moved. I'm going to have to go to the dollar tree and think of putting something together to make my room feel more cozy.

I miss a lot about my life the last year but I realize I still look at the very few fond memories but push down 90% of the other stuff I went through, My partner was my first love and I really thought nothing would ever be able to make me not love him. But after out altercation- after saying that to me about the most important thing in my world I think of him as the most disgusting piece of scum on the earth pos. He's done a lot to me before but something about becoming and mother and hearing him speak on our daughter like that... I will never ever forgive him.

To work on myself I need to start on my regular health- eating right sleeping schedules and such. I need to find another job- I got fired for not being able to keep up with the work load. I wasn't willing to do so much over time all the time. Oh well- I hated that job and it took me away from my daughter because it was always over 43 ours a week which isn't so much but she's only awake so lone- I get a total of 2-3 hours a day with her fully and only an hour bonding with her over fun things- the rest is the eating cleaning and bed time routine unfortunately. I want to find something with a little less hours if possible- decent hourly wage- I probably won't ever make the amount I did as my last job working from home but hopefully something decent and full benefits so I can get her back on my insurance. Since I lost my job I had to ask her dad to add her until I get mine and I really just don't want to rely on him in any way. My social skills going out having fun. reaching out to people I haven't yet since I started dealing with all of this just out of embarrassment. My friends reached out asking me how I was doing and had no idea what was going on- I gave them a quick "no everything isn't alright but it will be soon" when they asked. I appreciate them for asking

Basically I wanna be better and feel better about myself and here is my start.

[basicvoltronblog]

u can ignore this if u like, i just put it here to record that it happened

my family is actually super manipulative and i don't know how to deal with it. my mom is trying so hard to find out what my contracts are paying out or what my new meds are. and it's in a roundabout way and I haven't told her everything. but like, it's really rough. I don't know my way around it, she just got a dollar amount out of me for something that I said I didn't want to talk about yet (bc I hadn't processed) by complaining about why I don't trust her. idk like i fell for it. I feel like dirty though and incapable of protecting myself. I moved out to protect myself. I try not to ask for help because it ruins our relationship, later down the line, when they bring it up to mock me.

And like if I can't protect myself from some of my families worst instincts I'm going to ruin our relationship. they can't actually do better by themselves. they've made progress to break the cycle of abuse but just the other day my dad tried to reassure me that 95% of the time that physical discipline (abuse) happens to a kid it's fine but that the 5% where it's not -- nullifies it. Which is progress -- to him. They weren't so bad with me but my dad's mother held his head under the bathtub when she got angry at him. She was also a good woman. My mom has 100% hit me and her whole facade falls away and she starts sneering (but never where white people can see) and telling me 'well that time you deserved it'.

But they're in family therapy saying im over-sensitive and reading into things. If i bring up to that white therapist that they hit me and my sister (who doesn't care and thinks it's okay and has also hit me) they're going to get angry that i broke the illusion they were performing for this white guy.

I didn't want her to know about my money and now she knows about my money. She 'won't do anything with it' but the point is she knows it now. just like she knew my internet history, and my gps location and my schedule and told lies to the mothers of my friends. The point is that she holds secrets that she isn't supposed to know in a state of pre-ordained benevolence but the first wrong step she'll weaponize it. The point is that I think that she withdraws offers for help, even in attitude, after I accept because she prefers for me to not have a car (my whole family has expressed this) because I can't be trusted to live on my own and pay rent

I don't want to talk about this or negotiate this. I need people to stop guilting me when i say no. She got another piece of private information out of me and I feel dirty.

#m #p/l/e/a/s/e/ d/o/n/t/ r/ebl/o/g/

[parchmentedpetrichor]

➳the girl in the lilac dress ♠ ♡

in which y/n meets fred's ex-girlfriend, days after fred confessed his love for her. there's still some confusion on the status of their relationship. angst -> fluff. narrated by you, y/n l/n.

fred weasley x fem!reader

word count: ±5.4k

tw: angst (not too bad though), mean words, blood, mentions of auror missions, kidnapping, needles, st mungo's

drop a follow if you wanna see more of this content!!

my masterlist:D

ft. hermione, lee and alicia

I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you

I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you

the girl in the lilac dress

i was in a good mood. on the way to work to receive my mission, i was humming a song that had just come out. it was catchy and worth the wait.

out of the corner of my eye, a lilac colour appeared suddenly. strange, i thought. it approached me, in the form of a beautiful woman. she had the lightest grey eyes and the smoothest milky-white skin, and the shiniest locks of dark brown hair. she walked in a flowy lilac gown, her slim model-like body walking in a model-like fashion.

i was pretty sure she wasn't headed towards me, but when her luxurious voice said "good morning" in the calmest tone possible to me, i looked at her confusedly.

"hi!" i replied brightly, smiling.

she smiled sinisterly, "my name is pretoria aphrodite, i'm fred's ex-girlfriend."

he hadn't ever mentioned an ex, but i knew he had dated quite a few people. she made me seem like a glass of water next to a glass of red wine, naive and ugly. i was those two things anyway.

"oh! i'm y/n l/n! nice to meet you, you do seem like a daughter of aphrodite," i said politely.

"darling, all women are daughters of aphrodite. i understand fred's interested in you?"

she observed me and i laughed.

"i don't think that's quite the word. he's my best friend."

"friends with benefits?"

"oh gosh no! i don't really know where we stand, honestly."

"bitter about it?"

i thought for a second, "nah, i couldn't be. love's a hard thing."

"it is, indeed, and you work for the ministry?"

i nodded, "head of the auror office. what about you?"

"i model for witch weekly."

i gasped, "you're the p. aphrodite? i should've known!"

"big fan?" she looked amusedly at me.

"my friends are, so naturally i am."

"you don't seem the type fred usually goes for."

"i wouldn't say he's even going for me," i said cautiously.

"you are much too cutesie for his type."

i glanced up at her. she was smiling kindly.

"pfft, but better cutesie than nothing, amirite?" i asked friendlily, "well it's been nice to talk with you, but i gotta hurry!"

"no worries, i'll come with you, i have some business at the ministry too. have you seen his past exes?"

"uhh, not really?"

"well they're all models for one magazine or another."

"oh, okay. and that's important because...?" i asked her carefully.

"i just thought you should know."

i laughed, "i'm not model material, am i? i don't mind at all."

she looks taken aback. "i would say, with longer hair," she plucked a hair out of my poor mess of locks, "and a shorter upper body, with perhaps lip fillers, you'd look model-like."

her tone was analysing and not at all attacking.

"only three things??" i asked, shocked.

"you are rather... pretty already," she mused, "not model-like, but cute."

we had reached the ministry.

"thanks, see you later!" she waved and disappeared.

all that was left was a buzzing fly which soon flew away.

i immediately dialled in my auror code in the red telephone box and was sent into hermione granger's office.

"'mione! how good to see you!" i hugged her.

"hello y/n!"

in the ministry and the auror department, the head of the auror office was probably more important than the minister for magic. i didn't know why. she had brought me a cup of hot chocolate.

"thanks, 'mione, you didn't need to. what's the mission today?"

"two babies are being held hostage in a coded location by a person who calls themselves the light lord. dark lord, light lord, y'know?" she handed me a coded piece of parchment.

i thoughtfully pondered, "the light lord. who do you need?"

"i was hoping you go on this mission, then you could give me some news on this light lord person."

"that's doable. we'll need to bring in hepole and a ministry official to negotiate passports and such. and a strong auror team."

"right on it. i'll get wally becker and charlotte-ann becker. they're a force to be reckoned with on the borders."

"how much experience?"

"they're twins, been doing this for about fifty years now."

"perfect. and hepole?"

"on the way."

"thanks, minister," i winked at her, getting out my telephone and dialling the disguise unit.

"hello, poplinn speaking."

"pop, we need a few disguises. light lord."

"miss l/n! o-of course!"

"and pop?"

"y-yeah?"

"call me y/n."

i hung up, dialling harry's office.

"harry, call draco and be in my office in ten minutes. i don't care what business he's doing with scorpius, we've got babysitters here. light lord, perhaps a second of voldemort."

"of course."

i picked up the ringing phone that was in the corner of hermione's office.

"y/n, me and scorpy are having a zoo day, we're at the muggle zoo you suggested."

"sorry dray, but it's important."

"there's no one else?"

"there are others, but we need your expertise."

there was a pause, "i won't need to show my dark mark?"

"it's fading anyway. no."

"i'll be paid?"

"in hundreds."

"how old are the children?"

"2 and 4," hermione said.

the silence told me he was sold.

"i'll be there."

i picked up the big microphone and said, "auror unit 156 to the brief room. no need to bring anything. see you there!"

"good luck," hermione grimly said, "be safe, head."

"mhm and cup o' coffee tomorrow? if i survive, that is," i grinned.

"'course."

i smiled, "c'ya!"

she was shaking her head.

"oi, no disappointment, 'mione! i was the one who got the ministry out of paperwork!"

"burning paper doesn't count, y/n."

"it wasn't burning paper, hermione granger, it was arson."

"no, it was the saddest form of arson i've ever seen."

"hey! that's rude."

"just go on your mission already."

i laughed, "on it, minister. kalle?"

kalle looked at me, "yes?"

"tell miss minister to take a break and play a game or something, will you?"

she smiled, "okay."

"give my thanks to your mother too, loved the cookies!"

"alright, good luck, head!"

"thanks, bye!"

i apparated to the brief room, where everyone was strapped into special camouflage clothes.

i handed hepole the parchment and immediately began briefing the unit, harry and draco, on the mission.

"please be safe out there. if you're injured, apparate or travel back here, okay?"

i looked at hepole.

he cleared his throat, "they're in albania. the forest there."

"okay. harry and draco will provide attacking forces," the two nodded.

"i want lopex, quentin blake, quentin grill and hilly to break into any establishment," i say to the team, "and eron, hawks, melv, argonas to hold the offender hostage. johnathan, team healer as always. i'll take the children. hepole, you come and accompany us till the forest, then you have my permission to stay back, and beckers, stay invisible with the cloak, write a report for the minister when you come back, understand? have faith, team! i believe in you. we travel by apparition with the machine in three minutes. call your family, chat, have a snack, drink some water, and relax."

i picked up my telephone and dialled my parents.

"hi mum, dad, i'm going on a mission!"

"alright, be safe sweetie," my mum called.

"yeah, don't die kiddo," my dad added.

"right right, i love you, bye!"

the mission was successful. we rescued the children and sent the kidnapper to trial for azkaban. i escaped with a gash on my forearm, but quickly fixed it up with a spell. it ended late in the evening, so the team healer had gone home. the wound kept opening again, but i wasn't sure if it needed stitches.

putting everything away and making sure the aurors were okay, i headed back to the apartment i shared with fred.

i felt emotionally and physically drained, ready to enjoy a good shower and a good late dinner.

when i fiddled with the key to the door and opened it, my heart absolutely stopped.

pretoria aphrodite was kissing fred passionately. i felt my heart fall ten thousand flights of stairs in disappointment. of course. i was all a rebound who was pathetically in love with him.

when they stopped and saw me, pretoria smirked and fred stood up, astounded.

"uhh, continue? sorry," i apologised awkwardly.

"wait, y/n, it's not what it looks like-" he said.

"i don't mind, be safe," i smiled, too tired and too weak to do anything, closing the door and feeling tears well up in my eyes as i took my bag and myself somewhere. anywhere away from this all. my wound burned. i cursed under my breath as i made my way to st mungo's.

"y/n, you should have come here earlier!" yvonne, my friend, says, as she slowly injects a needle into me, "it's infected! and it needs stitches."

i laughed, "everything needs stitches. this is why i didn't become a healer, yvonne."

she shook her head in dismay.

"lol."

i watched the needle go in.

then she stitched the bloody mess of a wound up, cleaning it gently.

"now i can't stay, y/n," i pouted, "no, don't give me that face, i have other patients."

i nodded, "thanks yvonne."

"no problems. take care. you're too reckless."

"am not!"

she laughed. "that's funny."

after the trip to st mungo's which was pretty short, i wondered what to do. my mind kept floating to the scene i had just witnessed.

i was just the stupid, stupid, girl he used as a rebound. he didn't even use me as a real rebound, just someone who was simply infatuated with him to help him forget his unforgettable ex.

looking at a shop window, i caught a glimpse of myself. i hated being insecure but it happened.

i looked ugly. eyes too small, nose too big, lips not full enough. my thighs touched and i didn't have abs. i had a long gash running down my forearm, surrounded by other cuts. my hair was messy and disgusting. compared to the angel on earth pretoria was, i was nothing. small and plain was nothing when luxurious and beautiful was present.

and it hurt. my heart hurt. my head hurt.

i shook my head gently of my thoughts, chuckling bitterly.

fred weasley was completely and utterly out of my league.

whatevs, i thought. hurting was fine.

deciding to get over him once and for all, i bought some groceries and apparated to the doorstep of lee and alicia's glamorous cottage.

i knocked twice on the door. "hellooo!" i called out.

"baby, can you get that?" lee asked alicia.

alicia opened the door, smiling as she saw me.

"hey ali!"

"hi! come in!"

at first glance i could tell she knew something wrong.

"can i sleep here tonight? and take a shower? and eat some of your food please guys? and maybe steal a shirt i left here for safekeep? and maybe use your telephone? i'm really sorry for troubling you, so i got you guys snacks."

i was the second cousin by marriage of lee. it was good overall, but he was super naughty.

"snacks?"

"your favourites."

"then i guess you can," he said cheekily and i laughed.

"alicia, i don't know how or why you ended up with this child, but i'm glad you did," i told her and she laughed heartily.

"he's cute, isn't he?"

"no," i quickly stepped into the guest bedroom and took a long shower, letting a few tears slip but not enough so that it looked like it. i was subtle.

i bundled up in heavy clothing and wrapped my hair in a towel.

gingerly, i bandaged the wound.

by the snores in the other room, lee was asleep. i crept out quietly, going to cook something.

alicia was sitting down, with my favourite comfort meal prepared. i felt tears of appreciation well up in my eyes.

"thank you, ali, i love you."

"you damn well do."

we both giggled.

"what happened?" she asked me.

"nothing. i just wanted a change."

"from fred? liar. i'll ask again. what happened, y/n?"

"just a long mission, that's all."

"after long missions you usually watch movies with fred."

"couldn't i visit my best friend and my cuz?"

"you visit us on weekends. it's a friday."

"well i wanted to visit you!"

"bullshit."

"is it that hard to believe?"

"what the fuck did fred do to you?"

"nothin'?"

"c'mon y/n, you have to tell me. there's a reason why you didn't go to angie and george's tonight."

"i went here because they're super kissy. you guys have space and act normally. i appreciate that."

"you're awesome at lying."

"i'm not lying!"

"does this happen to involve pretoria aphrodite?"

i nodded, sighing, "she's so nice and pretty." i played with my food.

"i bumped into her. she's pretty, but not nice."

"oh?"

"she called me fiercely ugly. she forgot i model for witch weekly too."

"what did you say back?"

"i told her to fuck off."

i laughed, "she was very nice to me. but next time i see her imma kill her."

"of course she was nice to you, you're a lil angel! anyway, she's an animagus, didya know?"

"whoa how did you know?"

"caught her in a jar. she's a fly. who do you think told hermione to catch rita skeeter in the jar?"

i laughed, "rita skeeter is a beetle! gosh, she's annoying."

"what did fred and pretoria do?"

"nothing."

"please tell me?"

"they-" i swallowed, "they were kissing, and so i came here because i didn't wanna watch anymore."

"hang on, he told you he loved you a few days ago?"

i nodded.

"that doesn't seem right."

i shrugged, "pretoria's better than me. i don't blame him."

"his mother would kill him!"

i shrugged again, "i don't think he was legit when he said that."

"molly weasley, y/n!"

"look, he can explain it to you, i don't even wanna hear it. the first stage of mourning is denial, they say."

"doesn't mean it's good."

"denial is awesome. it's ignorance, but you choose to be stupid. i'm already so stupid!" i groaned, covering my face with my hands, "so so so so so so so stupid, foolish, dumb, and i don't want you to tell me i'm not because i know i am. pathetic."

i gobbled down the rest of the meal, "ths 's delicous," i said, swallowing, "g'night!"

"don't be afraid to let it all out."

"yeah."

i shut the door softly, before brushing my teeth and collapsing exhaustedly on the bed, nodding off quickly.

the next day, i woke at 4am, and put on new clothes, apparating to the phone box and filling out paperwork for the missions yesterday.

i joined hermione quickly, handing her a cappucino and sipping my mocha.

"court sitting this early?" she asked me.

i nodded, "mistake of sirius black, now they do all court sittings within 24 hours of arrest."

"that's smart."

"yeah. it's good. he's obviously guilty right? just a dust of veritaserum to bring it all out?"

"i reckon he'll just confess."

"criminals don't go down easily."

"you guys did a spotting job. the children were unharmed."

"are they here today?"

"they're in st mungo's. being monitored."

"parents?"

"dead."

"oh gosh, those poor children. what's going to happen to them?"

"someone's adopting them, wally becker and his wife."

"that's awesome."

the court hushed as we entered the room. hermione and i shared amused glances and began the sitting.

he was found to be guilty and was chucked in azkaban.

"what an idiot, sending a message like that."

"yup," i chuckled, "what with hepole in our ministry, they never escape."

we laughed.

"how's everything with ron?" i asked her.

"i don't know if he's still into me?"

i almost laugh at her statement, "bro. of course he is."

"i never see him."

"then see him more!"

"how? i'm so busy!"

"busy enough for ron?" we both took sandwiches from the canteen lady with courteous smiles and words.

we sat down at the cafeteria.

"i guess not, but he's busy!"

"busy enough for you?"

"i guess not."

"'xactly."

"but he might not wanna go on a date."

"why? the boy's obsessed with you, 'mione!"

the aurors and ministry workers looked at us in fear as i rose up. i chuckled.

i immediately skipped over to the telephone, putting in the WWW's number.

"y/n! what on earth are you doing?" hermione said in a panicked tone.

"nothing to be worried 'bout."

"hello?" it was george. i thanked the heavens for that.

"yolo george, give the phone to your lil bro please."

"'kay."

hermione was gaping at me. i smirked at her.

"y/n?"

"hey ron, i want you to meet me in rosemary park at 5pm today."

"o-okay."

"could you also bring hermione's favourite snacks and wear an extra jumper?"

"what? why?"

"i'm curious, that's all," i said, "see you there!"

"is that y/n?" i heard fred's voice.

"nup, it isn't," i replied.

and with that, i hung up.

"hey 'mione?"

she was glaring at me, "what."

"meet me at rosemary park at 5pm?" i batted my eyelashes at her, before bursting out in laughter.

she laughed, "i love you."

"pfft, love ya too. you really are too careful. like he would reject you."

"what do you think i should wear?"

"let's go off work early today, at 3," i suggested, "we're both on top of our work anyway."

"okay! you wanna go now?"

"it's 11?"

"yeah!"

"alrighty! kalle!"

kalle turned to us, "yes?"

"hi! me and minister are going out to talk about the mission."

"alright, bye."

we apparate to hogsmeade.

"what theme do you wanna go for?"

"hmm," she thought for a second, "floral!"

"alrighty!" i fumbled for my cell phone and dialled the WWW's again.

"hello?" it was fred this time.

"heyo freddie," i said to him like nothing had ever happened, "tell ron to dress up at 5 pm in something cute but not too out there, preferably in florals or somethin', and he better bring me hermione's favourite flowers."

"wha? if he's going with you then- ohhhh."

"thanks, bye."

"wait!"

"mhm?"

"can we talk?"

"erm- about what exactly?"

"everything."

i sighed, "later, okay? i'm out with hermione and you've got work."

"okay. have a good time, lovely."

"you too."

i was utterly confused. here he was one day kissing pretoria, and now he was calling me lovely?

what the hell was going on?

"let's go, mione!"

we went and bought her a pretty pink dress with white lilies adorning it. it was cute and definitely casual, sort of like a sundress.

"what if he doesn't come?" hermione chewed on her lip.

"hermione jean granger, we both know that ron is absolutely definitely a thousand times head over heels in love with you. he wouldn't ditch you for the world! and look at you! anyone can see he's lucky to have you! you both are star-crossed. when has he ever ever ditched you?"

"with lav brown."

"lavender, she's, she's dead, hermione," i said carefully, "fenrir greyback bit her to death. it was a tragic, heroic, death. she was listed in the extended casualties sent to my office a few months after the battle. i think she's watching down on us from wherever she is up there."

"she's dead?"

"yeah," i replied sadly, "life is so short."

"yeah."

"what i'm tryna say, is that that might've happened, but it won't happen again now that he knows you love him and he loves you. understand?"

"yeah."

"and love him well, for the sake of lavender brown."

"for the sake of lavender brown," she said, smiling.

"yup, now, light lord. his name is actually pont knight."

"pont knight?"

"former assistant of me."

"pont knight?"

"yeah, i know right."

"how did he go again?"

"oh, i fired him," i laughed.

"why?"

"smart guy but terribly lazy and he kept asking for promotions! like please do something if you want money."

"interesting."

"he moved to eastern europe to chase after the trendiness of the islands. i think it was just an excuse. he's changed. he used to be clean-shaven and have the blondest hair."

"do you think he did anything else?"

"we did put him on veritaserum, right?"

"yeah, but it's illegal to put someone on it for more than 10 minutes now in court sittings."

"we could go visit him in azkaban later? i'll take gregir."

"yeah, maybe tomorrow or the day after?"

i nodded, "'course. today is a rest day for the aurors right?"

she nodded, "yeah, half of the agency is at home or working out in the gym."

"good. sometimes this work is so tolling, 'mione."

"yeah, i heard from st mungo's you got hurt?" her eyes were concerned.

i rolled up my sleeve, "that's it."

"that's it? what do you mean, that's terrible! you need to take better care of yourself."

"well sometimes it's hard to. it was worth it."

we continued chatting until it was 4:30.

"oop!" she checked her watch, "i have to go!"

"good luck! tell me how it goes, minister! i'll head back to check if anyone's called for you or me and dust it all up."

"thanks. i owe you."

"nah. i owe my job to you. if minister for magic didn't exist, i wouldn't either. i love you 'mione, be safe!"

"love you too!"

i apparated to the phone box and typed my letters in.

with a whoosh, i immediately spotted two letters and a beeping phone. i answered the phone, solving the problem of the woman on the other end of the line and scribbled a reply to both of the letters.

i finished the paperwork and sent it off, then visited my office. it was piling with letters. i answered all of them, redirecting some of them to different departments, before calling everyone back.

i spotted some of the aurors from yesterday's mission sitting in the cafeteria and talking.

i sat down next to them, "how are you guys doing? any injuries?"

they shook their heads, "we've been spending time in the healer's office and just exercising lightly by the orders of johnny," argonas explained and i nodded.

"take it lightly, and go home if you want to. seeing family always helps the process, hopefully not too many nightmares?"

they laughed, "nightmares all the time, miss," hawk said lightly, "get used to it in this job."

i frowned, "have you tried speaking to doctor yvonne? she might have ways to solve nightmares."

"ahh, miss, sleeping draughts can only do so much," hawk replied cordially.

i laughed, "alright, hawkeye, but just make sure you're not getting traumatised okay? what about you, lopex, quentins?"

they shrugged.

"it's okay? the door was very hard to bust into," lopex said quietly, "we had to try several bombarding charms."

"now, lop, it was easy work!" draco said, sitting down, "hello, head auror, hello unit."

it brought on a cacophony of greetings.

"how are you doing, dray?" harry sat down next to him, "hi everyone!"

we all replied with more greetings and a steady conversation started and flowed for a couple of hours.

i felt my cell phone go off and i excused myself, noting it was 9pm already.

i apparated to the apartment doorstep, knocking on the door just in case anything was happening. i checked the caller id, it was hermione.

fred opened the door, hair messy, still good looking. i smiled at him, patting his shoulder as i ran to the ringing telephone and picked it up.

"y/n!" i could just hear the beam in hermione's voice.

"'mione! how did it go?"

"absolutely wonderful, head auror, ahhh, he's so cute!"

"what happened?" i asked, smiling already.

"well it was really cold when i saw the picnic blanket, which was matching my dress for some weird reason, and ron was there in the cutest button up and he looked so handsoME and he gave me a flower, he's always handsome but i just can't! ahhhh!" she squealed and i clapped my hands in excitement.

"and then i was shivering and he gave me hiS JUMPER and it smelled like him and oh my gosh i think i might just be in love, y/n!"

i giggled, "my cooling charm did work!"

"whaT y/n????"

cackling, i said, "continue, i wanna hear more this is so adorable!!!"

i ignored the dirty glance fred gave me, quietening my voice.

"and then we had food and he said he had cooked it himself and was being such a dear and i told him that i loved him over and over again!!!"

i squealed silently again.

"and, and, gosh my english has gone out of the window!"

"english is nothing compared to the language of love!!" i giggled.

"we watched the sunset whilst cuddling, and i fell asleep and then when i woke up i was in his bed and he was looking at me intently and i just, i'm the luckiest girl alive!"

"you are but you deserve it! that's so sweet! i'm happy for you goshhh, you are the cutest couple. you're both such darlings!"

"and then we watched a muggle movie and he got scared of the spiders and it was so adorable ahhhhHHHH!!!"

"that's the cutesttttt," i gushed.

another dirty look from fred. i gave him a frown back.

"and then he walked me home and it started raining and we kissed in the rain and another check off of my bucketlist and oh my gosh he's so perfect."

"oh gosh that's beautiful," i was smiling uncontrollably.

"anyway," her tone changed into one of mischief, "wanna meet up tomorrow to talk about it?"

"sure thing! when and where? i'll be there!"

"erm, lemme chec- think," i heard the suspicious rustling of papers.

"you're sus. let's just talk about it over the phone. i don't want anything weird."

"how about 10 am in the morning at the field of fireflies?"

"that's a highly romantic place, miss minister. isn't it for couples or something?"

"no? you must be talking about fiona farm."

oh. "yeah, probs, well okay, it better have good coffee. i'm dying of boredom too, does it have a playground??" i asked, hopefully crossing my fingers.

"nope."

"awww, shucks, i don't think i'll go then. you wanna come over though?"

"no please come! there's a surprise!"

i was sold, "lovely. i'll be there at 9:30!"

"no, no, don't do that."

"what the hell, hermione, you're being so suspicious!"

"i'm not, okay? just come on time, you won't regret it."

"if there's any funny business i'm not committing arson ever again."

"oh crap."

i sighed.

"just come anyway!!! good night cheerio!!!"

"what the-"

the line ended.

i frowned, noticing the glare fred gave me yet again.

"is everything okay??" i asked him.

"no," he said rudely.

"well, do you need any help?"

"no."

"how was your day?"

"fine."

i sighed, "okay."

"you called ron cute."

i laughed lightly, "that's it?? and so what's kissing a girl huh, nothing? i called him cute because he treats 'mione like a goddess, because she is a goddess, for goodness sake. and he is cute, in a completely objective way," i added absentmindedly, "all you weasleys are."

he frowned.

"she kissed me!"

"oh i don't mind, i couldn't. my two braincells can't handle it. you kiss whoever you wanna, okay? live, laugh, love, and all that." i smiled.

he was silent.

"and we can talk after i meet up with hermione, okay?"

"okay."

"we don't needa if you don't wanna, of course. g'night."

"have a nice sleep."

the next morning, i got up and went to the field of fireflies or whatever.

it was a beautiful place. it was a full on field. meadows stretched across the near english countryside. the sky was clear and light, and the world around me was stunning.

winds blew from all directions, and i soon found myself accio!ing a jumper.

"hermioneeee???" i called, "you're leaving me hanging."

had hermione stood me up? i chuckled at the very thought, soon rolling in the field of flowers as i laughed.

"hermione you devil you stood me up! you left your poor little work wife hanging!" i shouted dramatically.

i suddenly spotted a little house? by the side of the meadow.

i ran towards it.

"whoa."

it was absolutely magnificent. beige little bricks were stacked on top of each other, grey bricks dotted in. the shillings were dark green, and plants hung out everywhere in the cracks of the house.

large windows which reflected the blue light in the sky spanned across the whole house, and a single wooden door stood ajar.

i just wish i had brought a camera. i sat on the grass, playing with the hem of my jumper sadly. even hermione didn't have time for me. i wondered what a sad person i must seem like.

"contemplating life there?" i heard a far off voice. i swung my head around, seeing fred standing and grinning.

yeah well duh i was, no thanks to you, i thought.

i immediately got up.

"we can talk here, right?" fred asked, as he brought me into the house.

"wow," inside, it was cluttered and messy, with plants sprouting everywhere and bookcases and things everywhere. i loved it.

"you like it?" he asked.

"love it."

"good, because i bought it," he laughed at my flabbergasted expression, "i'm rich, darlin'. let's sit, i cooked lunch."

"was this your plan? to have hermione stand me up?" i asked.

"love, i wouldn't call this a plan. simply just a boy trying to explain himself."

"look i don't need an explanation. i told you, you can love whoever you wanna, i don't mind, i don't care, i support."

"but i'm gonna have to explain because i wanna kiss you."

"then go ahead," i sighed, "if you're lying i will stab you."

"jeesh okay."

i looked at him.

"oh yeah, i forgot the food, here," he said casually, handing me a plate filled with yummy looking delicacies. i was willing to put up with his rubbish story telling for the food, i guess.

"alright, i'm all ears."

"okay. so she talked with you right?"

i nodded.

"did she take a piece of hair from you?”

i nodded again.

"so you came home just right about when the night lights flicker on in london. or so i thought it was you. it was actually, aphrodite, yeah? in polyjuice potion. and she knocked on the door, which i thought was strange. i opened it and she immediately kissed me, as you. and it was weird but it was you and i would give the world to kiss you like that," he said bluntly and i could feel my face heating up, "and then it went like that for a few seconds and she turned into pretoria, and by then the woman had her claws on me. then the door opened and i knew i had made a mistake and then you left and apologised so sweetly. i'm so so sorry, my love, please, i never meant to hurt you, i never meant to do anything. i broke up with her last year. i haven't wanted to be with her since. i want to be with you."

i looked at him. i knew he was genuine.

"okay. i'm sorry too, for not trusting you. i guess i was just really unsure of our relationship. it's still kinda blurry."

"what do you wanna be?"

"could we be official, please?"

he grinned, "of course."

then smiling sheepishly, he added, "can i kiss you now?"

"only if i'm the only girl you kiss from now on," i teased, smiling.

he blushed, placing my hands over his heart. it was beating very very fast.

"feel that, beautiful?"

i nodded.

"only you."

he gave me a cheesy grin and laughed at my blushing face, before tilting my head upwards and going in for a kiss but kissing my cheek.

"that's not fair!"

and that's how his head ended up falling into my lap, as i ran my fingers through his ginger strands.

he had fallen asleep just as the sunset began.

it was breathtaking. hues of orange and red danced across the sky.

"i can think of something a lot more beautiful than that," fred said, smiling.

"oh?"

"yeah. yeah."

"i don't believe you."

"that's because you can't see yourself right now."

#fredweasley #fred weasley x y/n #frederick weasley #fred weasley x reader #gryffindor #hansel and gretel #fanfic #harry potter #hogwarts #hufflepuff #angelina johnson #alicia spinnet #y/n #harrypotter #hogsmeade #battle of hogwarts #weasley #masterlist #readerinsert #oneshot #imagine #reader insert #harry #navigation #list #oneshots #frederick #fred weasley #fluff #lee jordan

[serenityseventeen]

Love & Letter: To The Thirteen Boys I've Loved Before

The First Letter

-------------------

To: Choi Seungcheol

From: Y/N

Hi, Seungcheol.

I know that in your life, I've probably been a side character. A classmate in your autobiography or life movie. I don't expect to become anything more than that because now, I don't think I have a chance.

We've known each other since we were young. We've known each other for all of our life basically, right?

I can still remember what a cute kid you were back in kindergarten. You were such a nice little boy and whenever the other kids picked on me, you would stand up to them and say, “Hey! I'll tell the teacher and I'll also tell Y/N's parents about everything!”

I don't know if you remember that, but I do.

When we went to middle school, I think that's when I first began liking you. Even though we live just a block apart from each other, we didn't talk a lot outside of school. Since we were both classmates and knew each other's house location, it was a bit awkward for me, but thank you for talking to me when we waited for the bus at the bus stop together. Sometimes you would just briefly mention my hair or the small details like new shoes or socks.

Thinking about it still gives me hope that you like me.

Throughout middle school, you always fed me hope. Maybe because in general, you were just a charming, manly, attractive, and caring guy. Maybe I'm still misunderstanding too many of your actions.

I can remember so many times that my heart fluttered and my stomach filled with butterflies because of you, Seungcheol. Since this is a letter to you that I won't send, I guess I'll just write them all down here to keep as a memory, just in case I ever miss you or feel nostalgic. You're my first love, after all, Seungcheol.

There was this time when we were in 6th grade. In 6th grade, both of us didn't talk much, and surprisingly, we didn't get a lot of long-term projects together. I don't think we got any at all actually.

Anyway, it was the middle of spring and both of us were just hanging out with our group of friends. You were throwing around a paper ball, playing a game of catch with your friends during the break. I was just being the usual me, listening to my friends talk while drawing dancing cartoons in the empty spaces in my notebook. Sometimes I would glance up and catch a glimpse of you catching the ball.

Despite being in middle school, you had really large, muscular arms. I was watching you and your friend play catch for a bit. Your friend was right next to me, catching the ball, and you were on the opposite side. I turned back to my notebook then all of a sudden, the ball flew right in my face from your hands.

I let out a small “ouch” even though it didn't hurt. Your friend asked me if I was okay, to which I replied that I was fine. Just then, I don't know when you came, but you came in front of me and took my face in your hands. It only hit my forehead but you examined my cheeks, chin, nose, turning my face in all sorts of directions while asking “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” and saying “I'm so sorry” repeatedly. As I'm writing this, the lingering feeling of your warm palms holding my head and the side of my neck still makes my heart race. I didn't think my heart could beat so fast but it did. I think that's when I was sure I liked you more than a one-sided crush. It became a one-sided love for another two years.

There were way too many times my heart fluttered because of you but because this letter is already so long, I will only express my side of three of those times.

I hope this is an event that you remember. It was the day when you, me, and two other friends went to an amusement park. I think of this day as a double date. I can still remember my friend joking about how you and I looked so good together. I don't know if you noticed but I was so shy. She was also joking about how ‘this was a double date’ and because I was being paired up with you like that, I was just feeling over the moon. You didn't even say anything to deny it, you just laughed as I did.

I remember how your friend was convincing you to ride some rollercoasters but you were so afraid and whining. I remember just thinking you were so cute even though the memory is a bit blurry.

After that, because I wanted us to get closer, I said, “I'll ride it with you, it'll be okay.”

You were still skeptical but to me, it looked like you were giving in. I always wonder if it was because of me or if you were annoyed by your friend's continuous convincing. If it was because of me, then, I might regret not telling you my feelings.

Anyway, I rode the rollercoaster with you and I was, evidently, really scared. I was so scared to ride that thing that I was unintentionally screaming with you with my eyes shut. My hand was holding tightly onto the bar that secured us and I couldn't open my eyes at all. Just then, I felt your hand on mine and I could feel the courage to open my eyes. When I finally stopped yelling and opened my eyes, I saw that you still had your eyes squeezed, gripping my hand tightly.

You looked so cute, Seungcheol. If you opened your eyes, you would have seen how brightly I was smiling. Later that night, I remember, I rolled around in my bed and wiggled thinking back on it.

However, whenever I tried to get close with you, I always backed out because even though there are small moments like those I mentioned, there are more times where it seems like you don't like me the way that I like you. I don't know your heart and I know better than anyone that being friends with you would only make my love for you grow deeper.

It's the first time I'm feeling this way for anyone and I don't know what to do. I want to get closer and explicitly tell you that I like you and want you to date me, but at the same time, I don't know which decision is right. We're both still young is the only excuse I can think of, but still, I can't bring myself to tell you how I feel. All I know is that I might be in love with you and you make my heart race.

This is the last thing I'll share in this letter, even though you won't receive it. I just want to tell you my honest feelings that I can't tell you about physically. Yes, I'm being a coward and writing a letter like this.

You know, Seungcheol, you always had this strong aura to you. You can be so cute but you're so masculine too. I like how caring you are, always taking care of your classmates. I admire you for having such a great sense of responsibility. You always remind me when I'm on cleanup duty. Not to mention how charismatic you look when you rap alone at the bus stop. Your deep voice is beautiful when you sing too. I don't think you know how much I know about you. I don't want to seem creepy because these types of things are just things I can't help noticing. I don't even know why I'm writing this down, it just crossed my mind just now. I might as well pour out the rest of my heart to carve you out, right?

There was this one time last year, at the bus stop, when I arrived before you did. Usually, you always came to the bus stop first, and honestly, without you there made me feel uneasy. It made me realize a lot that your presence gave me feelings of reassurance and comfort. Without you there, I was so paranoid that I took out my headphones just in case my headphones would block out the sound of someone coming. I just remember feeling so scared, clenching my cold fists in my lap. The morning was gloomy and it was even raining.

I remember my mind racing, waiting for you to come. However, I was getting even more scared at the fact that I probably wouldn't be able to hear anything so I just wore my headphones again and listened to some music. I was looking down the sidewalk in the direction of my house, wondering if I should ask my father to drive me to school instead, when all of a sudden, you yanked out my headphones.

You were panting, covered in rain. I stood up because I was shocked and nearly wanted to hug you for coming but because we weren't close, I knew it'd be awkward if I thanked you or something. However, what you said to me, has always lingered in my head.

“Hey!” You shouted in a scolding tone, placing your hands on your hips. “What are you doing out here all alone? Why didn't you go back home and get an umbrella, it's raining so much! Plus, you could have waited until I came first until you decided to sit here alone with music blocking your ears! What are you, stupid!?”

At that time, I just stood, frozen. I was wondering why you didn't have an umbrella meanwhile my heart was fluttering. I was wondering why you were scolding me. Were you worried for me? Do you like me? Those questions still float around.

After scolding me, you sighed and apologized.

“No, it's okay,” I said quietly. I couldn't tell you that I was scared because I just didn't know how to say it without making it awkward. If I did say that I was scared since you weren't with me, would things change?

In the end, you were still soaking wet so you called your dad to get you an umbrella. Why was that? Why didn't you just come out with an umbrella?

I have so many questions about so many seemingly minor things you do to me. Are you worried just for me or are you worried for everyone, including all our classmates? Do you find me a source of comfort or were you just too scared to think on the rollercoaster?

Since the questions will never get answered like how this letter will never get mailed, I will conclude negatively, that you don't feel the same way. The main reason I'm writing this letter anyway is that I'm deciding to get over you. I know we're probably going to be stuck in the same high school but I'm going to stop loving you foolishly like this.

Thank you for being my first love. You being yourself made me feel so many different kinds of feelings, so many different emotions. I fell in love for the first time and I'm glad it was with someone like you, even if the ending is bittersweet. After summer break passes, I'll make sure to get over you.

I won't forget you though. I won't forget the way you cared for me. I won't forget the way you are.

You're an unforgettable first love, Seungcheol.

Sincerely,

Y/N

-----------------

© serenityseventeen

6/18/21 - 3:39 pm

a/n: I'm in love with the entire Your Choice album!!! Ready to Love is such a beautiful song, gosh, I'm in love with it!!! Seventeen always has superior B-Sides and ANYONE is my new bias wrecker + The members posted on Instagram today for the first time in forever (except for Seungkwan)!!!

#love & letter: to the thirteen boys I've loved before #seventeen kpop #seventeen #seventeen imagines #svt kpop #svt imagines #seventeen scenarios #svt #scoups svt #svt scoups #scoups seventeen #seventeen scoups #scoups #s.coups seventeen #svt s.coups #s.coups imagines #seventeen s.coups #s.coups #choi seungcheol imagines #seungcheol svt #seungcheol imagines #seventeen seungcheol #choi seungcheol #seungcheol #seungcheol seventeen #scoups scenarios #scoups imagines #s.coups scenarios #에스쿱스 #최승철

[xxisxxisxxis]

La fin

Inspired by this ask.

Present day Duff and Vivian reflect on their romantic relationship

I sat down with my best friend to discuss our affair for the first time in 26 years…and gain a final piece of closure the two of us have yet to attain from one another. 

"This is gonna be interesting because both of our spouses are here." I say as I sit down, at my kitchen bar and Duff takes a sip of his water before joining me.

"Nah, Su's as cool as a cucumber. We got this." He replies. "...I don't know about Sixx but me, you and Su can handle it." He teases. 

"If you get war flashbacks, baby, just remember you're sober." I tell Nikki and he chuckles. 

"I'll just go to the bathroom and sing 'Kumbaya'." Nikki adds and Susan laughs. 

"It won't be that bad." She assures him. "I got my waterproof mascara on. I'm ready." 

"I'm getting through this without crying." I state.

"You cry over google commercials, Viv." Duff informs me.

"Because they know how to market. This happened…" I have to do the math. "...thirty-two and a half years ago. I won't cry." 

"Okay, well, just in case, I came prepared." Susan tosses me a pack of Kleenex. 

"Thank you." I say to her, doubting I'll need it.

"I'm about to start the camera." Nikki tells us, going to press start on the camera he's got set up to film this. "Oh, it's already started." He states. 

"It's okay, people won't care." I shrug, taking a sip of my Pepsi. "Okay, Hey, Guys." I say to the camera. "This is a very special occasion because I'm here with my best friend, and the father of my first child, Michael Andrew McKagan a.k.a Duff McKagan a.k.a Daddy McKagan according to some of you nasty, freaky, bastards." I pipe and Duff rubs his face. 

"Oh my God." He chuckles. 

"Do you read your instagram comments?" I remind him and he nods. 

"It's just so weird to hear it in real time." He explains. "I think that's one of the most odd things you can call a sexual partner. Like…'daddy'..."

We just stare at each other for a moment and I look at the camera. 

"He just single handedly dragged me in the nicest way possible." I say to him as Nikki and Susan try not to laugh. 

"No, I jus--well, you can say whatever the hell you wanna say and call him whatever you wanna call him because you've earned it with the shit you've been through, but it's just odd for me to go online and there's, like, girls 30 years younger than me calling me 'daddy.' Like, I'm not sure if you realize this, sweetie, but I have daughters your age." He points out and I start laughing. "I-I could actually be your dad. Careful now." 

"I think Vince has a higher chance of being these horny girls' father." I state. 

"I know, but it's just food for thought, you know?" He shrugs. 

"I don't even know how to transition from that to the topic--which is a serious topic, but this is just...oh my gosh." I giggle out, not able to stop. 

"Speaking of 'food for thought'," He creates a transition for us to go into what we're talking about and I take the opportunity. 

"Yes, we will be discussing our weird relationship-but-not-really-because-I-was-married-and-confused situationship in honor of my book coming out 'Verbatim: The Truth, The Whole Truth, & Nothing Left Unsaid', which tells everything that happened from 1981, to early 2000s, that people have already read about in everybody else's books." I explain. "I've had this, 'it isn't anybody's business' mindset and now, I feel like I'm in a place where I can tell what happened, including our thing--which is something, believe it or not, we have not talked about as much as people think we have." 

"No, we haven't." 

"I don't know exactly why we haven't spoken about it much, like it happened, it obviously happened because we got a son out of it...we just haven't acknowledged it happened, really. Which is why we're gonna ask the tough questions and hopefully get through some stuff."

"Which is nice because I honestly think the last time we even alluded to it was 1994, right after I got sober, and was advised to resolve things in my friendships, and even then we didn't get everything out there." He replies. "At least I didn't, and I feel like a lot of people have something to say about it, and we spent so many years letting other people define what that time was to us--which it was such a private and personal thing between the two of us that other people's two cent shouldn't have had the impact on us that it did--but we let it get to that point where we lost sight of what it meant to us and let it be defined however the fuck people wanted to call it. And that wasn't good for either of us, and I think that's one of the things that's kept me from bringing it up again. Especially now that, ya know, I'm married, have two grown daughters with Susan, you have Nikki and your children, and I've always thought there's no point in bringing something up that happened--like you said--thirty-two, almost thirty-three--years ago.

"Because you don't want to hear the b.s."

"Because I don't want to hear the b.s." He agrees. "But the more I've thought about it, there are parts of me that feels like I didn't get to say what I wanted to say when we decided to go separate ways, and that just gets fucking heavier and heavier with each year, and I'm sure you might, too." 

"Oh, definitely." I agree completely, able to relate to it. "I feel like one of the main reasons for me, why I haven't tried to talk to you about it is because, like you said, people will automatically start something out of absolutely nothing, but also because I felt like I never had the right to." I state and he furrows his brows a little. "Why did you wait so long to tell me how you really felt about me?

He lets out a breath before thinking a moment. 

"I refused to hinder what little happiness you had left in your relationship with Nikki. I knew you guys were struggling, I knew you were fighting like hell to get your relationship back on track, and I didn't want you to have any more confusion going on than what was already being put on you and if I would have told you how I felt, that would've done that. And then I was with Mandy for a while and that kinda helped me feel like I was over those feelings, but I realized I wasn't when she and I broke up."

"Did anybody else know about how you felt or..?"

"Well, I--yeah, Stevie thought it was just a little, like, I had a crush on you, but Izzy knew I loved you...which is why he wasn't shocked when they found out about us." He says. "...Of course he wasn't surprised because all the Nikki/Vanity stuff happened, so he was kinda expecting you to do something, which--okay, I don't know how to ask this." He admits, thinking of how to word it, glancing at Nikki. 

"What?" I ask him. 

"I just don't want to come across as an asshole for asking this because I'm assuming it's a lot deeper than just...okay, whatever, I'm asking it." He decides. 

"Okay." I prepare for it and he sighs. 

"Why did it take that level of public humiliation for you to realize you weren't in a good marriage?" He asks and it nearly makes the breath leave my body, Nikki and I looking at each other. 

"Because it was public." I confess. "Everything else that had been done, had been done in private. There was no public input on it, there was nobody watching the situation unfold under a microscope, everything that happened up to that point was private. So, he could trip during a crack binge and shoot me and I could stay with him because I didn't have the public watching me, giving their opinions. But when his mistress announces it on TV, I can't just gloss over that because now everybody knows and has an inkling that 'uh oh, they're not this perfect relationship they've made people believe they are' and yes we came out and said it was a lie and tried to undo that damage that Denise caused, so physically I was still in the marriage, mentally I was drawing up divorce papers. And I'm not completely sure it was just the very public aspect of it, I think it was the fact it was her. And I realized, 'I can't compete with a woman who has absolutely everything about her that Nikki is addicted to: she knows how to have a good time, she's equally as wild as him, she's got the sex appeal, she's got all the drugs, she's on the same level as him in terms of entertainment industry' just everything that I wasn't...she was. And I was too exhausted at the point to try to compete with her so I gave up when that came out."

"I remember Izzy ranting, 'she's fucking comparing herself to Vanity and there's no reason to'." He impersonates Izzy and I chuckle. 

"He drilled into my head for years to follow that I was fine the way I was, I didn't need to change anything about my looks, my personality, my hobbies, my sobriety, like it was like 'The Help' when she's constantly reassuring the little girl 'you is smart, you is kind, you is important'." I quote. "Anytime Izzy could see me struggling with myself or not feeling my best he'd be like 'seventeen outta ten, Viv. Seventeen.'" 

Duff looks enlightened, and points to the space behind my right ear. 

"That's why've got '17' right there." He realizes and I nod. "In his writing." He adds. 

"In his writing." I confirm. 

"That's--wow. I didn't know you struggled with that for so long because there was no competition." He assures me.

"Well, I already had shitty self-esteem and then that made it worse, and then even when you and I were together I still had this fear a little bit that you were only with me to help yourself get over Mandy." 

"Abso-fucking-lutely not." He doesn't even think before saying and I feel myself tear up a little. "No way. No freaking way. I loved you, Viv, I really, really did. When you told me that you were filing as soon as the tour was over I started planning out our lives together, as crazy or cheesy that makes me seem, like, I was really going for it." He tells me.

"Duff." I feel guilty, my heart aching a little. 

"I remembered, 'okay, she wants this many kids, she says she likes dogs but really wants a cat, too, she doesn't want to live in the middle of the city, she doesn't want an over-the-top house, she wants to go back to school at some point so I'll put away some savings for that', like, I was planning out everything and fitting Guns N' Roses in wherever there was time in that whole plan. I was ready to be with you and start a life with you. I really, really was." He adds and I see Susan's sympathy for him, only adding to my guilt. 

"Well, just rip my heart out, why don't you?" I ask him to add some relief and Susan giggles, her bright smile coming back to her lips. 

"Right?" She asks. "Geez, babe." 

"I'm just saying." Duff tells us. 

"Nikki didn't even plan his days out when he woke up back then, and then you were there with a calculator adding up how much money you probably needed to put away for my schooling." 

"We wouldn't have had any money to go to school, anyway, Viv, 'cause it was all going to taxes and heroin." Nikki points out and I think for a moment. 

"And house payments." 

"And house payments." He agrees as I look back to Duff, who looks like he's thinking about something. 

"Okay, sorry if this is a weird question, but what did you mean you felt like you had 'no right' to talk about our relationship?" 

"Okay, well, we broke up, I was working on things with Nikki, you married Mandy four months after we broke up...I felt like 'okay, you've already gotten your husband back, he's gotten Mandy back, they're married, who the--' pardon my french ''--fuck are you to bring up your relationship and how it affected your friendship when you're both married to other people and doing your own things? Who are you to be worried with your time with him when you're with Nikki and he's got a wife, now?'." 

"Ohh, yeah. Yeah." He knows what I'm talking about, nodding. "So, you kinda felt like it was disrespectful to dwell on it too long." He adds. 

"Exactly. And I didn't want to disrespect Nikki, or Mandy, or Linda, and now Susan, by trying to work on us again, as friends, because we are exes, whether we want to admit it, we are. We dated. And I feel like it's easy to forget that sometimes because it was so long ago and that freaking sucks because I don't want…" My voice cracks and he looks at me pointedly as tears come to my eyes and I take a deep breath. "...I don't want to forget that time. And I'm not trying to be rude to my marriage or yours or make it seem like I still have those feelings for you, because I don't, but I don't want to forget there was a time in that hellacious cycle my life was in at that moment, that for a few months, I was genuinely happy in the midst of my life falling apart." I explain, sniffling. "And that wouldn't have been the case, if not for you. And I don't want to forget that." 

"Vivian." He says as I grab at a tissue and I see Susan knuckle a tear in her tear duct. 

"I don't know, it just felt like there was never a right time to address what happened fully because everything was happening so fast in our personal lives, for you and Guns, for Nikki and the band, I started having kids, and you got married a second time and your drinking was worse and worse, so it just never happened." 

"Can I ask you something else?" He says and I nod. "When do you think we should have said, 'look, we were together, it happened, and it's okay'. Because we avoided it like the plague for years and still do at times, and that's practically due to--like I said earlier--listening to how people defined it. Like you were called a 'whore' and a 'slut' and just awful shit in public and in papers and tabloids for years after it happened and I feel like because of that, there was that element of 'we should be ashamed of ourselves and just pretend it never fucking happened' surrounding it, even though we had Monroe who's breathing proof of what happened at some point, but we just treated it as if we adopted him together as friends or something like--" I laugh, wiping a tear, and he laughs with me for a few seconds. "--it's the truth, though, we never talked about our relationship. We went on Howard Stern in '88 right after Monroe was born, and he grilled us about it, but we just shut the fuck down after that and didn't speak of anything again for a couple years until we got in that fight over you limiting my time with Monroe, and then again in '94, and that was it--and none of those times really accomplished anything. At all." 

"We should have had that conversation before you got married to Mandy that May." I point out.

"That was so, so soon." He smiles nervously. "That was too soon, way too soon, to get married."

"You proposed to her the day after we broke up." I recall and he nods. 

"I sure did. I sure as hell did. So stupid." He states. "I learned not to make important decisions when I'm in pain. 'Cause I married two different women when I was going through some painful stuff and only made it worse." He explains. 

"And see that's the thing because you had me completely convinced you wanted Mandy. Like I felt so much better when we broke up, knowing you were with who you really wanted to be with, and I was with who I wanted to be with, and then I found out in an argument with you that you were miserable and married Mandy to try to make yourself excited about being back together with her." 

"And that's exactly why I told you that because I needed you to be happy and if I would have told you how I really felt about you, you wouldn't have been happy because you would've felt guilty for staying with Nikki and fixing things with him. And I wouldn't have forgiven myself if I would have put you through that so I married Mandy so fast because I was hurt, and I thought I loved her as much as I loved you, and I held on to that and ran with it." He tells me. "Why wasn't I good enough for you to stay?" 

I go to answer, before the weight of what he's asking really hits me, and several tears topple down my cheeks before I'm wiping them away. 

"I can't begin to put into words how highly you surpassed 'good enough'." I inform him when I finally speak. "Um, my decision to stay with Nikki had absolutely nothing to do with you. That was all me, and issues I thought were resolved within myself that weren't resolved at all, I was just ignoring them." I say. "And something in me was telling me not to stay with you...and I fully believe that was God telling me to back the hell off because he had a plan for you and I had no business accompanying you in that plan as your significant other." I explain. "And I hate to say this, but I really feel like we would have gotten divorced." 

His eyes widen and his brows raise, a knowing smile on his lips as his nods his head. 

"And I hate to think that but we would have made it, maybe, up until '92 because I wasn't even your wife or your girlfriend but just being around you made me so miserable." I admit. "I-It was like--you would get up and start drinking until you passed out that night. I was watching the person who had his shit together the most in my life, fall apart, and that was scary for me because we had a son who was witnessing his dad spiral." 

"Yeah." He rubs his lips together. 

"And getting you to take accountability for what you were doing was like trying to bathe a cat." I add.

"And it took me months after getting sober to evaluate what went wrong in my life with the band, what went wrong in my relationships, what went wrong in my parenting with Monroe, what went wrong in my friendship/co-parentship with you, and own up to what I played a part in because none of it imploded on it's own, or just because of other people, like I played a part in all of it, too, and admitting that took a lot of time to swallow my pride and just accept that I became the very thing I got pissed at Nikki for being, years prior to that, and saying, 'okay, I made all those mistakes, I fucked up, how can I do better and learn from it to better myself, to better my friendships, to better my relationship with my son, and just do what I'm supposed to do?' And I even ended up going to Nikki, and apologizing for what happened between us," he motions between me and him, "because even before you and him were separated over the Vanity thing, knowing you went to me for shit, over him, made him feel less than, made him feel like he wasn't a good enough husband and I kinda felt the same way when he stepped up for Monroe when I was going through my drinking, and it made me feel like I wasn't adequate enough as a father because Monroe was leaning a bit more on him than he was on me, and for the shit I was going through in my life with my alcoholism and drugs, I was doing the best I could do as a dad. And it made me realize that Nikki was doing the best he could do as a husband back when he was in the thick of his heroin addiction, because he was sick and couldn't fucking help himself, just like I was sick and couldn't help myself, and neither of us wanted to hear we had a problem, neither of us wanted help. And I know people are gonna, 'well, Nikki cheated and was mean to her and this and that', I know what you looked like when Nikki was hurting you. I know the look you would get on your face...I know that I hurt you as much as Nikki did through my drinking because you would look at me the way you would look at him when you weren't recognizing the person in front of you due to how royally they had fucked themselves up." 

"Yes." I nod, not even arguing. 

"And that fucking hurt to realize that I was hurting you as bad as he had, and I remembered getting so pissed at him for doing that back in '86/'87 as he got worse, but then I did it, too, and that experience really opened my eyes when I got sober because I wouldn't have been humbled in that way had I not had a drinking addiction and reached that low, and I do think that's one of the reasons that was allowed to happen to me." He finishes and I take a deep breath before asking:

"If Monroe wouldn't have been conceived, if we wouldn't have had a child to come out of our relationship, knowing what we know now, how we ended up not staying together, the public slander and stuff we had to go through...would you still have had a relationship with me, if you could go back and change it?" 

"Without a doubt, yes." He says, matter-of-fact. "It would have been a waste of a blessing to not have taken the opportunity to love someone as recklessly--maybe even stupidly, at times--unconditionally, with the magnitude I loved you with, at such a young age. Like, usually you can expect to find something like what we had when people get a little older, and get through all their bullshit relationships before finding the person that loves them for them fully, but I had the chance of experiencing that when I was, like, in my early twenties...and I didn't experience that again, and so much more, until I met Susan." He says and I nod. "And I don't want you to think that because we haven't spoken about it, maybe as much as we should have, that I'm ashamed of you or us or embarrassed, because I'm not proud that we did what we did in that timing--because it was really shitty timing and we both can agree on that, I think," he raises his brows and I agree, "but I will never be ashamed, or apologetic,  or embarrassed that I ever had that with you. I felt like one of the most fortunate people to even know you, and then to have that relationship we had--even for the few months it lasted--was just...it was such a short time compared to how long you've been with Nikki and how long I've been with Su, but we spent it loving each other the best that we could. And we really did love each other, and we do still love each other--even if it's not in that same way, the spirit of it, I guess, is still there. There's still that 23 year old kid in me that'll kick somebody's ass over you, and wants to see you happy, and is in absolute love with you. And don't get me wrong, there's a 56 year old me that wants to see you happy and that'll still kick somebody's ass over you." He clarifies, making me laugh. "I'm just pointing out that even when those feelings went away, I don't think that bond ever did." 

"Yeah." I nod, sniffling as I press a tissue to under my eye to catch more tears. "Do you, um...do you remember our break up?" 

He exhales and gives me a little smile, nodding, before tears come to his eyes.

"I--yeah, I...I remember it…" He informs me. 

"We had just gotten done messing around, and if we did anything before we went to bed we would just stay in bed and go to sleep, but if we did anything in the afternoon or whatever we'd get up shortly after and clean up and go about the day. And we got done, it was, like, 2:00pm, and it was this odd feeling in the midst of it that 'this is gonna be the last time we ever do this with one another', and neither of us said a word, we just laid there with each other for four hours when we were done, taking in every second that we could. Well I finally got up to go back home and check on Nikki because he had OD'd the night before." I explain. 

"And you went to the door to leave and I stopped you, and was like, 'I know you're going to make things right with Nikki, and I'm going to fix things with Mandy, and I want you to know that I love you, and I'm proud of you, and I always will and always will be'. Of course you can understand me a little better now because I was crying when I choked those out, but, um," he laughs and I smile back more tears. "And you said, 'thank you, I love you, Duff' and gave me a kiss and a hug and then you were gone." 

"And we rarely spoke about it, again."

"And we rarely spoke about it, again." He confirms and I let out a breath, feeling more tears swell in my eyes. "What a fucking way to end a relationship." He adds. 

"This is where I'm really gonna start crying, um…" I start, chuckling nervously. "...I wasn't thanking you for being understanding, I was thanking you for everything that you'd done for me, and it took me a while to understand that that was one of the things I felt like was unresolved because that 'thank you' had a lot of weight behind it." I tell him. 

"Okay." He tells me, listening intently. 

"This is so freaking stupid and unhealthy but I wrote suicide notes for when Nikki finally OD'd and died, because I knew if he were to go, I'd have to go with him, I couldn't live without him." I tell him and he looks a shocked. "You taught me that I could live without him when I didn't think that I could, and you brought me so much peace and rest in a time when I couldn't remember the last time I was at peace, and I sure as hell couldn't get any rest. And I felt, and still feel, so indebted to you for those months that you spent trying your hardest to fix what you didn't break--you risked your career over me, you protected me, you defended me, you supported me, you loved me--and that's what I was thanking you for that day, and I feel like I've got a weight off my shoulders now because I have never told you that and I've always wanted to but didn't think it was a good time." 

"Holy shit, Viv." He wipes a stray tear, and I see Susan doing the same, Nikki just smiling at me like he's glad I've gotten that weight off of me, because he knows I've been wanting to say it for years.

"And I'm sorry it was such a shitty breakup that kind of came out of nowhere." 

"The way you were screaming and crying and begging God whenever we were trying to get Nikki to wake up, I knew if he lived you were gonna fix things. I was prepared for it, I promise." He assures me. "And I'm really glad we got to do this and get this out there with each other and I really hope you were able to get some closure with this, because I really did." 

"I did, too." I nod, wiping more tears. 

"I love you." He tells me as we get out of our chairs, giving me a quick, innocent, peck on the lips, before hugging me tightly.  

"I love you, too." 

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#gateway drug

[aint-no-highschool-au]

The Repressed Nerd And The Anxious Prep:

"I debated Logan Picani in lit class today!!!!! and he debated back!!!!!!!"

That was the text Virgil got Immediately as the lesson ended.

"r u OK?"

He sent right back. Knowing his excitable friend, he wouldn't be surprised if Patton was about to faint right now. Which might sound a little harsh but it was simply out of concern.

"not really, I feel like I'm gonna faint!"

Yep, it was as bad as Virgil had feared.

"he stared right at me Vee! He looked directly into my eyes, I couldn't fucking breath!!!!!!"

Oh no, it was worse than Virgil had feared.

"it's okay, where are you?"

"I'll be there with cookies and a water bottle in 2 minutes."

"im walking to my locker."

"great."

"Jesus Christ Logan Picani could step on me and I would thank him"

"that's nice but if you text me anything else that you want him to do to you you're paying for the eye bleach that I'll have to use afterwards."

"how are you the prude between the two of us again?"

"not a prude, just demisexual. Sorry pat, we can't all be horny 24/7"

"more like 22/7, you can't be horny when you're doing homework it's physically impossible. Instant mood killer."

Virgil reached the locker and saw Patton leaning against it as if his body was too heavy for him to stay upright. He shoved a bag of cookies and a bottle of water in his direction and Patton accepted both greatfuly.

Patton drank the water bottle nearly to the end, and then started happily, if still a bit nervously eating the cookies.

"what's your next class?" Virgil asked

"P.E." Patton replied with a defeated tone.

"yikes."

"yeah, exactly. Well at least I have Roman to keep me company on the bench..."

"Roman Sanders? Since when does he even bother to show up to gym class?"

"since he found out I like Logan. We've been using that class to talk about him. Well we talk about other things too but you know me, I talk about Logan a lot."

"seriously? How long has this been going on?"

"the past two weeks I think? Why?"

"why? Really Pat?? At no point in these two weeks did it occur to you that I might want to know about the fact that you're suddenly friends with my enemy???" Virgil was more shocked than he was angry, but he was still a little angry, which made Patton tremble in his place.

Immediately recognizing his mistake Virgil took a deep breath to calm himself down.

"sorry Pat, that was too harsh. I'm not mad at you I just, wish you would have told me sooner is all. I don't know how I feel about you and Roman being friends but it's not my call anyway so, it doesn't really matter."

Patton calmed down as well and blinked in surprise.

"wow, Picani has really been helping you deal with your anxiety huh?"

"yeah, I think him being friends with my dad is the best thing that ever happened to my mental health."

"well, I forgive you. You were overwhelmed and I suppose I could've told you sooner or at least not drop the information on you out of nowhere."

"it's alright, just as long as you don't force me to tolerate the edgy bitch."

"hehe... Well actually, it's funny that you mention it-"

"oh God Pat what did you do?" Virgil asked, more reluctantly accepting of his fate now than angry and aggressive like he was before.

"I invited him to sit with us at lunch today? And before you say anything you should know that I did it for two very good reasons! One, he's bringing Logan with him and because there's four of us to carry a conversation, I'll never have the chance to make a fool of myself in front of him. Hopefully. And two, you know how Dezi and Remus always try to get you to join their table?"

"and have sucseeded a few times, yes. It's only what i dread every lunch period, why do you bring it up?"

"well, when you're sitting with just me I don't really have the guts to say anything, those two already don't like me and they run the whole school. But if you were sitting with all three of us, we could back you up together! It's the perfect plan!"

"...you've really put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?"

"pleeeeease Virgil?? I really want us to all just get along for once. Is it really such a bad thing if I have more than one friend for the first time in my life?"

"well no, of course not! But does it have to be Roman?"

"you know, you and Roman have a lot in common. You'd get along really well if you just gave each other a chance."

"fine! But only for you pop star. And don't expect me and the prince of darkness to go skipping around in a field of flowers together afterwards, this is the only chance I'm willing to give that drama nerd."

"the feeling's mutual, you preppy pest-al prick." Roman said as he appeared behind the conversing friends. He turned his head to Patton and his entire demeanor changed, his face lighting up and, was that a smile?

Virgil couldn't believe his eyes but Roman seemed...happy. and if he was happy to see Patton maybe they did have something in common, at least enough to tolerate each other for one lunch period.

"hello, puffball! Here's that bow tie I promised you, it would look much better on you anyway."

The Goth held out a sparkly grey bow tie for Patton to take, smiling with a kind of charm Virgil had never seen in him before. Is this what he was like around the people he genuinely cared for? Virgil had to admit, it was rather endearing, maybe even cute...

Wait what?

"well, I'll see you two at lunch!" Roman stepped back and turned around with a dramatic flourish.

Just then, Virgil saw that someone had stuck a "kick me" sign on Roman's back, a dumb prank. He had half a mind to just let him walk around with it, but having seen this softer side to him, he felt sympathetic towards the dramatic Goth for once.

"wait!" Virgil called to him.

"oh? Is the prince of darkness wanted in the company of a his royal shyness?" Roman snarked, turning his head slightly to look at him but not his whole body.

"you wish, princey. Just thought we should get rid of this dumb sign on your back, seeing as you're not wearing your cape today to hide it." Virgil snarked right back as he ripped the sign from his shirt.

"oh. um, alright then." Roman blushed, feeling like a clumsy fool, but also greatful. Gratitude? To his arch nemesis?? The mere thought was enough to make him blush even harder, but he swallowed his pride and did the polite and honorable thing.

"thank you, Virgil. Any lesser man would have let me walk around with that sign all day. Amd now I know why I've been kicked five times on my way here."

"yikes, humans are trash." Virgil said without really thinking much of it, but it made Roman giggle. ~he giggles?!?~ Virgil thought in amazement.

"yes, they are. Which is why it was very noble of you to help me without being asked."

"don't mention it. Anyway, you better get to class you dork, or eles Patton won't have anyone to talk to."

Just as he said that, the bell rang for the next class.

"right! Well, I'll see you two later." he made his dramatic exit a more humble one this time, shyly smiling at Virgil.

Virgil found himself staring off in the distance to where Roman was heading.

"somebody's got a cruuuuuush~" Patton teased him cheerily, smiling wide.

"what? No I don't! He's my enemy, I barely even tolerate him. I just... I just thought it wasn't fair that he got pranked like that. As a matter of fact, I'm the only one who should get to prank him because he's my enemy!"

Patton snorted, entirely unconvinced.

"okay, whatever helps you sleep at night." Patton said as he walked away to his class with Roman.

"see you at lunch, Vee!"

Virgil was so screwed.