#a growing list of things i didn't start noticing until i was an adult with a job who lived on my own

[befuddled-calico-whump]

my mom: "I've never felt like an adult. I feel like I'm permanently twelve years old."

my mom: *needs to be sewing, sketching, or doing something with her hands to pay attention to a podcast or TV show*

my mom: *easily distracted, will quickly obsess over a new idea or project type*

my mom: "if you would've gone to public school your whole life, you probably would've been diagnosed with ADHD or something"

my mom: *has dozens of stories of both myself and her being the exact opposite of a Pleasure to Have in Class, blissfully ignoring instructions, doing our own thing, and being very impulsive*

also my mom: "everyone in this family is Normal™ :)"

#a growing list of things i didn't start noticing until i was an adult with a job who lived on my own #the one that drove me to post tjis was the twelve year old one because ive THOUGHT that before #many times #and she said it too so im like #'woman we are the same' #another driving point is the fact that when i go home to visit people tell me i remind them of my nine year old brother #not my mom #not my dad #not my adult sisters who look like me #its kinda hilarious #anyways gonna try and get a diagnosis in the next year or so wish me luck #once upon a time i wouldn't have bothered but im too easily distracted and forgetful at work so im hoping medication helps #calico is befuddled #and not so say that these symptoms make a diagnosis but they aint all that neurotypical either

[bitchlessdino]

hello! 🤍 can i request a bad boy type wonwoo having a soft spot for also a cold type reader?

like they always acting so cold towards other people and even both of them acting like they hate each other.

and people are like "oh there is no way they can date", but wonwoo is only kind to reader and viceversa even without them noticing

Oh, and they dont even realized their feelings until reader feels jealous when they saw wonwoo with someone else and thats when they realized about it, but are afraid to said something since reader doesnt know how wonwoo will react

Kinda angst maybe, but fluff at the end

take your time btw! 🤍 it is also totally okay if is not possible, hope you are having an excellent day 🌸

Pairing: wonwoox gn!reader Genre: slight angst, fluff, slice of life Word count: 6.3k tags: mentions alcohol, childhood au, biker!wonu, frienemy!wonwoo, possible love triangle, reader called a bitch, presence of violence and imminent danger, analogy using car wrecks, mc and wonwoo stilling living with their parents as adults because that's normal ok, kinda messy, intimates kisses Summary: Hard to maintain a good acquaintanceship if it started off on the wrong foot, but Wonwoo tries to do just that, no matter how much you resent him from childhood. Now reunited as adults, you're questioning whether your negative impression of him has stuck since being away or have you grown up just enough to realize how much between the two you have changed? author note: this was collecting dust but finally she is here. just in time for wonwoo to be in my bias list 🙂

Tag: @shiningstar-byulxx @misssugarlips @tommolex @hoeforhao @goblinvern @dkakapizzaboy @junhui-recs @svtup @buffhoshi @meowmeowminnie @caratochan @lovebot4han @6969lilithcat @camisun93 @emmmui @toruro @jeonride @novalpha @nvmrljk @feat-sun @tinkerbell460 @aaniag @tacosandbitch

You will never willingly be associated with Jeon Wonwoo. 

His mom had just happened to be someone your mom knew. Someone that she hadn’t talked to or seen in a long time. Long enough to have built their own families and have their kids without realizing it. It was as if they fell back into place. A long-time childhood friendship that quickly rekindled in a grocery store one day. From that day on, your families were inseparable. As long as they were still friends, you’d see each other every day.

“Why would I babysit some weirdo kid? I have better things to do.”

The problem was he wanted nothing to do with you.

When you met him the first time, you were a child barely getting around to a bike without training wheels, and Wonwoo was meeting the first stages of fungal acne. He was a bit older than you were then and his mom had given him the duty to look after you, the neighbor’s kid. The neighbor’s weirdo kid.

His mom bragged to yours about how good of an older brother he was to his younger brother, Seonwoo, but that seemed that seems to be his limit. Having freshly turned a teen, it all made sense. Wonwoo didn’t know you, and all of a sudden in his growing years he’s stuck taking care of a kid he knows by association. Understandably, he’d have that teen angst.

You didn't mean to overhear. You just happened to eavesdrop behind a pillar that day in their obnoxiously nice house when you came across him and his mother talking privately. Admittedly, you hadn’t made the best impression, but you were any kid in their single digits: annoying, talkative, maybe skeptical. But you were a kid. A kid that got their feelings easily hurt.

Despite saying such hurtful words, Wonwoo listened. He treated you with care–consideration almost–following his mother's orders, but you didn't make it easy for him. Every group breakfast, every dinner, every ride to school. You became relentless. You knew how he really felt about your situation after all. Your mind was made up at that point.

If he wanted nothing to do with you, you wanted nothing to do with him. 

“Keep walking.”

Your eyes barely glaze over at the unfamiliar figure before waving off your hand as if dismissing a nuisance, which in this case was accurate. The unsolicited stranger scoffs, getting up from his unwelcome seat, hacking and spitting on the spot on the floor next to your chair. “I don’t fuck with bitches anyway.”

You roll your eyes as you shoo him away with the flick of your wrist again, then feel another unwanted presence join you in your once peaceful solitude. You tightly shut your eyes in frustration before taking a deep exhale, finding silence impossible under your circumstances. “I don’t want to hear it, Jeon.”

“I wasn’t gonna say anything,” you hear Wonwoo arrogantly chuckle, shrugging off the thick leather off his shoulders and setting them on his lap as he takes a seat.

With your back turned to him, you imagine the pristinely lit smile on his face he gives when he’s amused, a rarity in these parts with the exception of you, someone he’s known long enough to recount every blemish that once appeared on your face. He watches you finish the rest of your drink, the bob of your throat shifting before you pull the glass away from your lips. Your resting bitch face is still intact after all these years.

“Good, keep it that way.” 

Wonwoo could have chosen to keep the peace as he said he would, but it was just too easy with you. Even after you’ve left for college and come back, he acts as if nothing has changed. In his eyes, you were still that same angsty kid who always has something snarky to say when he’s around. And man, did he always have just as smart a rebuttal. “It’s just, that was the fifth guy you’ve scared off—course, the guy was a moron—but you like dying alone, Frosty?”

Frosty. The Snowman. Much unlike the jolly creature, however, you were given that name being somewhat of a cold character, particularly to Wonwoo and anything he witnesses face the wrath of your harsh but honest judgment. 

You begin getting up from your seat, scowling at the abhorred nickname, the prediction of this dinner a mistake an accurate calculation. “Should’ve known you’d run your mouth. Tell mom I’m heading to the store across the street.”

Your mother was so proud to have you back home for a period before you’d find a new place again, and she insisted on holding a small intimate gathering at bar type restaurant. That meant sharing the space with other patrons, the Jeons, and unfortunately Wonwoo, who only grew more irritating than you last remember. 

“I’ll tell her, but I’m coming with.”

The caretaker role he was bestowed upon so long ago seems to resonate with him still, insisting on trailing behind you with nonchalance. To which you answer with a brash:

“Fuck off.”

Your eyes go to the back of your skull the nth time tonight before you’re off on your stroll, noticing the annoying scrap of Wonwoo’s heel following behind you after he waves your mom and the rest of the party farewell. You ignore him, darting towards the antique shop that warms your stomach with nostalgia, hearing the wind chimes clang when you enter with a cool musk breeze to follow.

“That all you have to say to me? Even if you hate me, there has to be some…sentiment.” 

You finger through the old hardcovers, eyes scanning over the aged wood of the shelves until they move on to the glossy wood of the cuckoo clocks on the walls. “Not even a little bit, Jeon.”

There’s the breathiness of his scoff that lingers in the musk air. He crosses your arms, the leather rubs loudly against itself. “Well, that’s sad to hear,” he responds, not sounding sad at all.

“Don’t you have an actual sibling to bother? Why are you being a nuisance to me?”

He simply shrugs. “Seonwoo isn’t back from his work-study just yet. Plus he’d be happy to know I kept you company.”

Unlike Wonwoo, Seonwoo was actually tolerable, pleasant even. If you were envious of Wonwoo for anything, it was having a nice little brother like Seonwoo. You weren’t exactly close but he was a nice kid, a lot nicer than Wonwoo anyway, and not at all that annoying kind of nice that chirps every two seconds.

You sigh. “Now that’s actually sad to hear.”

“I knew you’d say that. You always liked him better than me.”

Only because you never liked me in the first place.

“Mmhmm.”

“Oh my god, Wonwoo?”

A shrill voice beckons from the store entrance, an older version of a girl from your adolescence runs towards you both. “I thought I heard your gorgeous voice. Gorgeous face as well as always, how are you?”

Gina also grew up in the same neighborhood you both did and was typically nice, but around Wonwoo, she seemed to lose all train of thought since all her eyes could train on was him. She bats her eyelashes the same flirtatious way several years ago, and instinctively her body is drawn to him like mosquitos to blood, drinking in masculine appearance for all its worth.

If you were anything like her, you’d get it. Wonwoo is an attractive man by society's standards, but the truth of the matter is you can’t stand him. And you know deep down he can’t stand you. His fake politeness isn’t fooling anybody. Okay, that is a lie. His fake politeness doesn’t fool you, but his limitless charm made everyone else weak in the knees.

“Good, good.” He nods cordially, a smile drained from his face only leaving a straight stare, eyes only landing on Gina momentarily before they return to you.

Gina finds his gaze’s target before the light is slightly dimmed from her initially bright eyes. “And you too. Oh gosh, you must’ve got back too. Can you believe we’ve both graduated from college?”

You wonder if she does, considering you did graduate from the same university.

“Yeah, it’s…crazy.” You answer, sounding unintentionally sarcastic.

Gina awkwardly chuckles, eyes back on Wonwoo as if they never left. “All we need is Seonwoo and it’s like the musketeers again, huh?”

Hardly the musketeers when she only ever stalked Wonwoo the entire time. You’re surprised you didn’t find she didn’t follow him all the way to the bathroom too.

Wonwoo’s cold expression is a steel cage that lacks interest. He blindly nods, mumbling “sure,” and not giving any other sign of continuing the conversation.

“Well, you guys should totally make it to my housewarming party. I’m inviting all the other guys from the neighborhood. Invite Seonwoo too! It’ll be a nice way to catch up.”

“We’ll think about it,” Wonwoo answers, giving her another curt nod.

“I’ll be really, really grateful if you did.”

There are stars in her eyes, like a treat is dangling in front of it, that treat being a six-foot body of steel and perfect Wonwoo.

 “Right,” he grunts.

She finally waves you both goodbye before making it past the glass doors with a quirk in her step.

You continue to peruse the rest of the store, picking up that one wooden statue that’s never been sold, or if it has, it keeps getting returned. It makes you wonder if it’s cursed. “Just reject her already and let her move on. Even I feel sorry for her.”

“I’m not ready for the aftermath of all that.”

You really have to unlearn that eye roll of yours. You could tell it’s giving you a headache. “Of course you aren’t.”

“You’re not going, are you? The thing she mentioned?”

“This the first time you met me? Of course, I’m not going. You are?”

He shrugs. “A party never hurt anybody.” 

“Without an address?”

He pulls out his phone with a notification as clear as day, Gina’s Instagram handle ushering him with details of where the party whereabouts. “Who said I didn’t have an address?”

“She really needs to find a hobby.”

Wonwoo chuckles, tucking the phone back in his front pocket. “Ready to head back now? Unless you want to look through the store a second time.”

You groan. “Stop policing me. I’m going home.”

“I’ll take you.” 

You raise your brow. “On your fucking death trap? No thanks.”

He scoffs, crossing his arms, the leather of his jacket speaking out of turn again. “You say that as if people aren’t begging to the back of my Harley.”

“Only people with a death wish.”

That goes on for some time until you make yourself walk the mile before your feet give out. Wonwoo obviously is the first with a smile on his face before he forces you to get the rest of the couple miles on the back of his bike, which was admittedly prettier in person than the photos your mom showed you. 

There’s a bitter taste in your mouth as you get on—no doubt regret—questioning the proximity. “Hold on,” he says, to which you answer, “fat fucking chance.”

Your spiteful words are wasted as you find yourself tugging on him as you speed off on the vehicle from hell on the freeway.

“You’re an asshole!” You scream from your lungs.

“And I told you to hold on!” He screams back, a wide smile on his face you have no way of seeing.

You desperately wrap your arms around his torso, your life flashing before your eyes like a movie. All you hear is the wind in your ears while the traffic lights are hardly visible through your tightly shut eyes. You feel your soul leave your body, thinking nothing but the idea of an afterlife. If there was one good thing about the predicament you’re in, it’d be that he can’t see the terror in your eyes. He doesn’t know how much you want to scream bloody murder.

Before you know it, you arrive home safe and sound, the gas stopping at the curb of your house. He abruptly uses the bike break and you crash against broad shoulders, and you exude bumbling idiocy as you cling to him like a baby with separation anxiety. Oxygen finally enters your brain and you recognize your compromised position, forcing your grip off of him. You unbuckle and shove his helmet into his lap as you get off, a permanent scowl on your face. 

“Fuck you.”

“Glad to see you haven’t changed, Frosty.”

You don’t forget that encounter back then and you never get a chance to with your mom finding any excuse to see the Jeons day after day since your arrival. If that perfect apartment with affordable rent were to drop at your feet at a perfect time just when you so desperately needed it, it’d be now.

“Bring that in over next door. The Jeons will be thrilled to see their fridge stocked. And remember I’ll be gone until the morning.”

“We just gave them homemade wine yesterday. Mom, just because they live next door doesn’t mean we always have to plan to meet. We see them anyway.” You grab the cumbersome container of whatever it was anyway and hold it to your side like like a football, a strained expression on your face.

“You need to understand the value of lasting relationships. That’s why you’re still single, honey.”

You roll your eyes, groaning as you trod off, not wanting to start up another one of lectures why you're in your mid-twenties room with hardly any men in your books let alone in your court. Better off facing Jeon Wonwoo again than that, you guess.

You knock on their familiar white door, awaiting an answer from the other side. Soon enough you hear a masculine voice, but a voice that isn’t quite Wonwoo’s. The boy's fresh face on the receiving end piques your interest, an expression telling of a life of light and ease. Seonwoo stares back at you with a smile before politely waving. “It’s good seeing you! Been a minute.”

You find yourself returning a gesture, relaxing your arms. “It has. Mom wanted to send things over. Again.”

“Of course. Come in.”

You leave the box of goods in their fridge, feeling the presence of the younger Jeon follow behind you like a benevolent puppy. “Did you get in yesterday?”

“This morning. Early flight.”

You grin. “Singapore doing you good, I see.”

“Nothing like home though.”

You softly chuckle, “Yeah, there isn’t.”

Your conversation is cut short with another family coming down the stairs, one that looks ready to leave. They meet your eyes in amusement and his steps begin to falter in turn. “I saw you yesterday.”

“Don’t you dare make a joke about me missing you. It wasn’t funny any of the first five times.”

He’s smug as expected, entertained by the fact you’ve kept count. “I won’t, but it won’t make it any less true.”

You scoff. “Live in reality for once in your life, Wonwoo.”

“I will when you do.” He comes to the kitchen—briefly passing by you to do so and grazing your forearm—to fill a glass of water and downs it, his signature jacket thrown over his shoulders. He let out a refreshed sigh in your direction and put it away as soon as he finished. “I’m leaving now. When you change your mind about missing me, I’ll be at Gina’s party. Might actually find some fun there while you’re at it.”

The door closes behind him dramatically and your attention is right back on Seonwoo, the successful bystander. “Your brother is annoying.”

The young man smiles, finding the nostalgia in that small event. “Reminds me of the good old times.”

“Well, I should get going.”

“You’re going to the party too?”

You shake your head. “Not the slightest bit interested. Just trying to keep myself busy while I’m still in town.”

“Plan on leaving already? You just got here.”

“I can’t live on my parents forever. Need to make a living of my own you know.”

He softly laughs, a warm light enveloping his presence. He always seems to emit pure joy. Like there was nothing that could ruin this kid's day. “Nice to see you haven’t changed. Still self-reliant.”

You can’t help but smile back, “… Wouldn't be me if I wasn’t. I'll see you later, kid.”

You walk back home and go on with the rest of your afternoon by carrying on the duties of a college graduate with no job: endless job hunting. You let yourself go on that way for an hour, already bored by rereading your applicant details and sending in copies and copies of cover letters and documents. Your eyes have started to see stars shooting from either corner, warning signs of mental fatigue.

Shaking the numbing feeling, you shut off your laptop and notice the time on the clock. In the back of your mind, you’re remembering that party Wonwoo ended up going to. These parties weren’t by any means rare, but it had been some time since you let yourself give into environments as such. You said you wouldn't go but in dire situations of weary silences, perhaps it would hurt to take a second in a new subsubspace. Something to take off the edge of the weight of your undetermined future.

Against your initial better judgment, you force yourself out of that house to enter that very party you said you wouldn't go to. So like Gina to make an event over a normal thing like this. You don’t put much thought into what you wear and leave the house and when you arrive late as you were, you are unsurprised by the huge turnout. Five seconds in, you’re already regretting the 10 bucks you paid via UBER to get there.

The house was so Gina. As expected of one of the daughters of the wealthiest families in town. As you enter, all you hear is music, loud and rambunctious voices and laughter, and shouts of barely adults chugging whatever concoction in those house party solo cups. It all quickly reminds you of college and high school, times in your life you were relieved to know were over.

Why did you decide to come again if you knew this was going to happen?

You try ignoring the voices that seem to recognize you, evading and walking through the place for a potential drink to buzz you out of self-consciousness. If you were going to be in a place like this, a drink was warranted by all means.

“Wonwoo, come on!”

Gina’s voice, easily distinguishable, resonates from the other end of the room and sees how her presence bounces like a kite in the wind. You look in the direction of her gaze to find the person she seeks, ultimately having Wonwoo being dragged by the wrist, his hair sweeping the swift breeze of her force.  You were a bit relieved to see him, someone who is more similar to you in ways you’d never willingly admit.

You feel the urge to approach, curious how he’ll handle this one, but intentions all change of a brisk move, changing setting immediately. One second Gina looks up at him with doe eyes that speak longing and ache, another second her arms are looped around his neck and she pulls his lips against hers, massaging against them naturally as if rehearsed. Your feet stop, watching the unsightly scene like it’s a car crash as if in slow motion, taking you only a second to realize he hasn't yet let go.

Slowly then quickly, your chest pulls up like a marionette doll before it drops in a lump, repeating until the sound of your heart is rapidly pounding into your skull. You don’t understand it, but you don’t want to either. Swiftly, you duck back and turn your head in the other direction, having seen enough.

Then panic ensues.

People are harder to brush through than you realize. Colliding each one was like speed bumps in your way of a smooth departure. You were bound to have one person take a drunken offense to your rash movement and there it was: a subtle push that led to a spilled drink that stains the shirt of a man big enough to frighten children if he approached.

“Watch the fuckkk ya goin’!”

You don’t bother with the importance of apologizing or even acknowledging him. You realize it too late when he pulls at your collar back towards him, strangling you at the throat.

“S…stupid bitch can’t even see…fucking ruin my—hic—deink”

Your hands come around his grip, attempting to pry him off. “L-let me go. The fuck?”

“The fuck you say to me piece of shi—ah!”

He finally releases you when Wonwoo appears from behind him, tossing him out like an old ragdoll with no weight. The drunkard comes crashing down to the hardwood floor and before he realizes the cause of it, said cause whisks you away with his gril looping around your wrist.

“You’re going home right the fuck now,” Wonwoo grumbles, dragging you out of other guests' way and right out of the door, once again leading you to his motorcycle. “Bike now.”

“Wonwoo, what the fuck—“

“You aren’t an idiot. You knew what was gonna happen if I hadn’t stepped in. Now get on before fee fi fo fum finds out we left.”

“I’m not getting on that death trap again!”

His glare pierces right through you. “I know you'd rather be at home than here. Especially with the probability of becoming a statistic. Get on.”

He is right for the most part and even you’re seeing through your nonsensical defiance. Reluctantly, you follow his lead, knowing he’s left you with no other choice. You endure another near death experience, this time clutching on to him less resistantly unlike last time all the way back home. It is when you’re at the foot of your door you only realize the keys that were supposed to be in your pocket but left on the kitchen counter instead.

“Shit.”

Wonwoo quickly puts the pieces together. “No key?”

You shake your head, embarrassed slightly over your feeble appearance. “No, and mom won’t be back until the morning so I’m screwed.”

“Alright. You’re sleeping over.”

You scoff looking back at him, wondering whether he’s in the right state of mind to make that call. “You’re kidding.”

“Not unless you’re okay slumbering at the footstep of your door.”

Another choice made of your hands. You discouragingly follow after him as he unlocks the door across the street. Seonwoo was evidently still home with his loafers by the foot of the door but dead asleep upstairs in bed. 

“You take my bed. I’ll take the couch,” he offers nodding in the direction of the living room.

“No thanks, I’ll take the couch.”

He groans, giving that irritated look. “Don’t be difficult and just sleep in the damn bed.”

You huff, strutting over towards the couch. “Sleep in your own damn bed, Jeon. Stop treating me like you’re my babysitter.”

He follows after you, crossing his arms like an annoyed mother, “You’re really gonna be like this?”

“I’m not being like anything.”

“You know what?” He grabs the throw pillow off the couch, “Fine. We’ll share the couch.”

“Excuse me?” Your eyes narrow back at him.

The smug smile on his face says it all, knowing there was no rebuttal to follow. “Neither of us will take the bed, we’ll both will take the couch.”

Before you can argue, he ascends the stairs for more bedding and comes back to toss you a blanket and pillow. He keeps one of each for himself, sprawling on the other end of the massive couch, gesturing you to do the exact same. Cautiously, you mirrored his image, crawling under your borrowed blanket. Despite your feet not touching, you couldn’t help but feel suffocated by the close proximity, forcing you to crunch up your legs and bring your knees close to your chest. 

Wonwoo’s eyes drop in place, nuzzling into his thick blanket. “Good night.”

“Whatever.”

He softly scoffs with a smile, basking in the silence. Meanwhile, there was you, wondering why you listened to his instructions so willingly. You sigh, your eyes glued to the ceiling counting every bump and curve of its textured surface. 

“This is stupid it’s literally 10 pm”

“Sounds like bedtime.”

You peek back at him, his eyes still closed. “You did not go to a party to plan on sleeping at 10 pm.”

“You don’t know what my plans are. Sleep now.”

“I could’ve handled it, you know,” you argue.

“I bet you could’ve,” he responds dryly. “Wasn’t gonna take that risk though.”

“I’m serious…you didn’t have to, especially since…”

“What?” 

“You know,” you take a moment to form the words, “whatever that was with Gina.”

You hear him scoff, shifting on his side of the couch. “Nothing was happening with Gina.”

You let out a parched laugh, in disbelief of the words leaving his lips. “Wow, that lie comes so easy, does it?”

“Believe what you want. It’s not what you think anyway.”

“You’re so…obnoxious,” you sputter.

“Thank you.”

“So when did that happen? You and Gina?”

He huffs hot air out of his nose.“There’s no me and Gina. I don’t know what you saw, but…it’s nothing.”

“You were kissing.”

“You could call it that.”

“For a while,” You add.

“Just enough for her to find closure.”

“And did she?”

“Saved your ass before I could find out.”

You have no response to that and you let the silence take over for a few minutes. After those few minutes, Wonwoo was the one to break the peace.

“You asleep yet.”

“No, it’s not even 11,” you answer exasperatedly. 

“Well, I'm tired.”

“Go to sleep then.”

“You should sleep before I do.”

“Why?”

He shrugs, “I'm supposed to take care of you. It’s what your mom would want.”

“Why? I'm a grown adult.”

“I don’t think an explanation is needed.”

“Ever heard of personal space?”

“Make some smart decisions and I’ll consider it.”

“You’re such a dick,” you grunt, turning away from view.

“I’m only trying to protect you.”

This shit again. You pushed yourself up from the couch to sit up, fuming in his direction. “Because your mom asked. Okay, I get it, but you’re not obligated to anymore because I’m your mom's friend’s kid. Just stop.”

“That’s not why–”

“Stop lying–”

“I’m not fucking lying,” he says matching your stance. His gaze meets yours in anguish, urging you to drop it. 

You scoff, lying back down in a sleeping position with your back turned towards him. “Whatever.”

“...Despite popular belief, I’m actually concerned about you sometimes.”

“I guess…I don't entirely find that hard to believe.”

“Thank you. It’s not like I hate you.”

“Sure,” you answer, voice basted in sarcasm.

“I don’t.” You hear his body shift back down on the couch, finding comfort between the leather cushions.

“Then why are you such a dick.”

He sighs. “Sorry.”

“That’s all you have to say?”

“...Sorry.”

You ponder to yourself, wanting to turn back the clock to the earlier conversation for unknown reasons. You turn your body, seeing how his body mimics your body seconds ago, back turned, eyes closed, and facing the couch. “So if not Gina–”

“There’s no one,” he cuts off, “I mean, I'm not seeing anyone.”

It reassures you. Not that it should’ve. “Okay. I believe you.”

“Okay.”

You’re unsure when you drifted off, you only remember it being mid-conversation that your vision started to blur, followed by darkness and soon the light of the following morning. You wake up in Wonwoo’s house unexpectedly alone, quiet enough to hear the sound of a pin dropping. You enter the kitchen, parched, and you find a plate of food. You approach cautiously, catching a glimpse of the note, immediately catching on to why it was so damn empty. 

Went to get stuff done. Keep yourself entertained for a bit. - Wonwoo and Seonwoo

With an impish grin, you quickly run your fork over and over into the balanced meal and nourish your body, but slow down as your subconscious reminds you of last night's events. It wanders to your impulse to attend a party out of sheer boredom, stumbling upon an unexpected scene, before immediately trying to escape it before you are caught. The kiss becomes a scene stuck on replay, playing the image like a broken record. You did not black out, though you wish you had, considering your uncalled-for badgering of Wonwoo’s relationship status you shouldn’t have cared less about. Yet do.

You try bruising it off if you can help it, quick to leave, and relieved to find your mom home to let you in. Your day begins a new, and with a new day, she already has stuff for you to do. You’d be annoyed if you weren’t so grateful to be let back in home, remembering to grab your keys this time as you left the house again following her request for grocery shopping. 

You drink in the town for the first time since being back, questioning yourself why you hadn’t done it earlier. The block isn’t that different since you left, perhaps more greenery and flowers, but otherwise everything looked the same. Same old town, same old stores, the only thing difference was the people. Fine lines got deeper, toddlers now taller, and you now a stranger. Even the grocery store has changed managers, one adolescent bag boy at a time.

Even long finished with grocery shopping, you’re still wandering the center of town, circling in steps of the alternating tiles of the ground. For a moment, you free yourself from your thoughts, your worries, your ambitions, and live in the moment. It had been so long since you felt like this. You expected the feeling to emerge in college but that had been just another thing on your plate and suddenly you’re reminded of Wonwoo. Knowing him, he’d like this sight of you, proud to see you experience another emotion for a change.

Then your eyes flit back to the scene several meters from you. He reappears in your vision just as he has in your thoughts, only now Gina embracing him, squeezing the life out of him just as the life is squeezed out of your chest. He meets your eyes, his pupils expanding, before lightly pushing the poor girl off of him, but not in enough time to stop you from trying to escape again.

“Hey!”

You ignore him, letting your feet take you where it guides you. You’re blind to the incoming obstacles, brushing past pedestrians, shoulder everybody you meet, and you barely register the busy road before your feet make an unexpected halt. You hear the blaring honks until you’re pulled out, face crashing into their shoulder, arms coming around your in strong enclosure.

“Are you stupid? Why are you running into oncoming traffic?”

You shove him off, heart beating louder in your chest than any bike ride he’s taken you on has, and you’re seething in an emotion that you never expected to be in. Never in this lifetime at least. “Wonwoo just stop. Please.”

“I’m not doing anything. I don’t get why you’re trying to push me away.”

“I’m just sick of this. Of you. I can’t do this.”

“Why? Why? What do you think this is?”

“Just, leave me alone, Wonwoo.”

He sees you trying to walk out on him again and he doesn’t let you. Taking you by your arm, he pulls you towards him, leaving only the width of your forearm as his gaze pierces right through you, brimming with a mix of concern and utter anger. Frustration. Impatience.

If there was one thing about Wonwoo, he may have looked like he came from an anger management class, but he did manage it well. When he didn’t, your feet would feel glued to the concrete, frozen in the fire of his eyes, for once fearing what the man had to say.

“You know what? No. I’m not letting you do this? I don’t understand what’s going on or why you hate me so much–”

“God,” you groan, “it would be so easy if I just hated you.”

“Then what is it? You don’t hate me. You don’t like me. What? I’m wracking my brain trying to understand you–”

You don’t let him finish. You aren't sure what was in the breakfast you had today but you find yourself pulling him by the collar to meet his lips only to push him away in that instant, barely a whisper of his presence in your mouth. You clamp your hand over your mouth before finally treading away shocked by your actions, scurrying away.

He doesn’t follow you and you don’t blame him. You retrieve your once-abandoned groceries from the intersection to then find your way home. Rain is close to follow, drenching from head to toe. As if things couldn’t get any worse.

When you get home, you’re alone once again. The door shuts with a clang and you’re left in your self wallow, regret burning the back of your throat. Your back slid against the wood, a deep exhale expelling from your lungs. “So that’s what’s wrong with me.”

Like clockwork, you feel a knock erupt from the same door. Conceding to whatever was on the other side, you brush yourself up from the ground and turn the knob, only to be taken aback. Wonwoo, wet like made from glass with his locks swept over his head, stands before you panting. On either hand is a bundle of flowers barely protected in the cellophane it came with when he bought them and his cell phone he’s death gripping in his hand, no doubt damaged by the rain.

You blink back at him, lips parting in confusion. “Wonwoo…You’re wet.”

“Likewise.” He invites himself in and sets the flowers on a table nearby, not even for a second letting his gaze stray from yours. “You left me hanging there. Kiss a guy and walk away like he means nothing?”

You shake your head in disbelief, processing this, him. “Why are you here…with flowers?”

“I really do have to spell out everything for you, don’t I?” he responds smiling.

The squelch of his shoes trod in your direction, the invisible string connecting you two shortening. Preventing your evasion, you feel the palm of his hand against your back and your lips crash in a lingering reunion. The squeak of his slippery leather doesn't make it past your ears, distracted by the heat of his lips in the clash of the coolness of his rain-stained skin. 

Your hand crawls up his neck to press him closer, feeling the strength of his arms wrap around you tighter before shutting the front door effortlessly with his foot. He lets you pin him against the door, lips tight bound to yours, and relief settles in his stomach as you show no sign of pulling away. He finds himself whispering a word of gratitude in every language, smiling against your lips. “No more excuses…I’m not letting anyone get in the way. Not even you.”

You finally break out in a smile, brushing it against his lips before reclaiming them, not minding the wet leather.

You spend the rest of the day in each other’s company. You put away the groceries before the room temperature worked against their favor and got yourselves changed out of your rain-dampened clothes, throwing them in the dryer. Even if he lived right next door, you allow him to wear your most oversized shirt after he insisted he should, watching the cotton fabric cling to his broad shoulders with the hem just hitting him at his hip bone.

Man, he’s a large man.

“Kinda snug.”

You scoff, crossing your arms in an attempt to hold yourself back. “You can get clothes next door. You’re just a few steps away.”

He grins, approaching you. “It’s raining…I could get sick.” His long arms land on either of your shoulders, reminding you of that cat that knew too much in a childhood cartoon. “You don’t want me sick…”

“You wouldn’t get sick taking two long strides to your house, Jeon,” you respond, rolling your eyes, unable to meet his.

“But you’d take care of me if I was, right?” 

You roll your eyes, accepting his advances of a hug and feeling his chin fit in the crook of your neck. “Kiss a guy two times too many and he follows you around like a stray cat.”

He grins. “You like it. Don’t act like you don’t. You probably even like my bike and you’re not telling me.”

“Okay well, no. Those are two separate matters.”

His arms wrap around you tighter before reuniting your lips, such tenderness and sweetness in his gaze as he thumbs over the curve of your cheek. “You don’t deny that other thing.”

“I thought was already point blank. You know, when I didn’t push you away, kicking and screaming.”

“Yeah, but,” he shrugs, his cheekbones only getting higher. “Hard to come by something nice from you. I want to hear it.”

You sigh, giving in. “Fine.”

Your head fit between the divide of his chest, hearing a quickened pulse underneath it. You close your eyes as your hand strokes against his back. “I have… feelings for you. Maybe for once good feelings. Just don’t get cocky about it.”

Overwashed with calm joy, he takes you tighter, inhaling the soap in your hair. “Too late.”

#svthub #wonwoo #wonwoo angst #seventeen wonwoo #seventeen #jeon wonwoo angst #seventeen fanfic #wonwoo fluff #seventeen x reader #seventeen x you #jwon wonwoo fluff #jeon wonwoo #wonwoo fanfic #wonwoo x reader #wonwoo x you #wonwoo x y/n #jeon wonwoo x reader #jeon wonwoo x you #jeon wonwoo x y/n

[anyaeras]

A twisted love story || W.Maximoff (Part One)

Pairing || Wanda Maximoff x Reader

Summary || Wanda falls in love with Starks intern, who due to their past is very bright and soon becomes an avenger, growing closer with Wanda during their time together. Wanda would like to keep them close

Warnings || long ,, fluff ,, angst ,, child testing ,, memory loss ,, nightmares ,, slightly possessive Wanda ,, leading to dark!wanda

Master list

Part 2 (coming soon)

──────────────────────

New York was the city that made dreams come true, it was the city that never slept and it was the Big Apple, it was even home to many of the worlds greatest heroes the avengers.

Y/n was young and the very bright person they worked extremely hard to get closer to their dreams, moving to New York City wasn't easy for the young adult they left a lot of their family behind and lost a lot of support, yet after awhile, and many long, tedious hours they were able to get into a stark internship while it was a little confusing, there wasn't much information on what they were really looking for, and it honestly it seemed a little out of the ordinary. It wasn't a hard job if you think about it, now you didn't get paid but you got the experience, three days a week you attended the avengers tower from 2pm to 5pm.

They had been going to the office on this schedule for a while now, and Wanda Maximoff had it marked down in her calendar, it seemed whenever y/n was in the building, so was she.

Y/n was in the office running around with stacks of boxes, trying to get to where they needed to be as Wanda watched from a distance, leaning up against the desk, not too far from y/n's traveling path. Wanda perked up when she noticed The internal starting to stumble boxes, slowly slipping away, as they try to compose their balance, the witch was quick to hop in using her powers to hold the boxes in an upright position, red wisps floated in front of the young adults face, which allowed them to regain their balance, y/n began coming down from the shock of nearly falling, before observing how the boxes were afloat.

"Falling for me hmm?" Wanda joked as she slowly set the box's down into y/n's arms correctly, as you laughed softly at the scarlet witch's statement while feeling embarrassed for yourself, what caught you off? Guard was the scarlet witch, who is feared by so many yet in this moments, she seemed so kind. y/n saw her sweet and pleasantly warming, now Wanda, on the other hand, saw this is an opportunity.

"Hey, if you ever need some help around here, I know dealing with everyone around here can be a pain, feel free to ask for me or my assistant" Wanda stated with a soft yet very fake innocent smile her words were coated in a dimmed Sokovian accent, after the quick interaction, Wanda had left allowing y/n to continue their work, slipping into the elevator to go back to the avengers only section of the tower, yet along the way, Wanda bumped into a fiery redhead.

"Is stark's intern your new little play thing?" The Russian asked in a humorous way, almost laughing at the Sokovian, yet the scarlet witch only gave a small huff in an "as if" sort away as a reply.

"I don't want them Natasha" I want to lied even with a knowledge, Natasha, being a well trained widow, who could definitely see through the lie, but either way, the subject was dropped for the moment, well until it wasn't...

Meanwhile y/n was running around moving boxes and sorting out stuff inside some of the labs, at one point they found themselves working with some scrap parts that were laying around just for fun, yet those few minutes of free time seem to get away from them. They were pulled away from the project by the sound of the big boss man, stark.

"a little late for you to be hanging around" Tony said in the question like manner, looking down at his naked wrist, as if he had a watch on to prove his Point.

"Oh sorry I totally lost track of time, I didn't even realize I was off the clock" y/n quickly responded justifying their actions. The older man didn't seem to care too much. He came over, peering at what you had put together in your time in the honestly extremely outdated lab.

"so it seems like you've been working. That's good I don't pay bright minds for nothin" stark laughed at his own comment, y/n had thought about mentioning that they are an unpaid intern that HE had hired, but y/n just brushed it off y/n went on plugging in the small robotic looking box they had made in your now not so free time, Tony watched curiously from behind y/n, as they begin to connect the small box to a computer nearby opening up a few different software's until they found the correct one, moving over to stand off to the side, allowing the avenger behind them take a look at the device, y/n started to explain the device was a traveling AI. It could fit the needs of the carrier at any moment.Might they need a nurse or a genius war strategist, at this point if this box got a physical body, it could become its own superhero, and be a great weapon. The explanation managed to render Tony speechless.

"You had no plans or prior research building this?" He asked almost speaking to himself as he questioned getting only a negative response from the intern in front of him

"And you've never made this before?" He asked again getting the same response.

"Come with me" the broad statement from Iron Man caused y/n not to move, thinking about what he just said over in their mind, taking it an entirely different way.

"Not to my damn bed. I got a wife and pepper honestly isn't one for a threesome, well, at least I don't think?" He question himself before shaking it off.

"Anyway follow me newbie" this time y/n got up following Tony throughout the avengers tower and pushing through a set of glass doors into a very nice office.

"Furry. This is the one we're gonna keep it." Was all that Tony said to the one, and only Nick fury who gave a raised eyebrow as a reply back to the avenger. Y/n made eye contact with the man across the desk momentarily before breaking the contact looking back at Stark in pure confusion.

"Why?" the question was about you yeah, it wasn't directly for you to reply to.

"Their a genius, much brighter than banner, skilled in medical as well and war strategy I think they would be a great asset" Tony said in a matter-of-factly manner leaving y/n with a

Proud feeling in their chest.

Nick finally turned his full attention to y/n aiming a question.

"Where are you from, and do you know what you got yourself into?" Y/n didn't fully understand exactly what was asked yet they spit out a nervous reply.

"I'm from the Midwest, now living alone in the city, I wanna go back to school, oh and about the last thing I feel like I'm going to find out." Y/n replied keeping their past to themself on purpose while also trying to sound confident in their reply. They gained a small smirk from furry which the stamens "show them around the tower" was also received; and like that y/n was being pulled away into an elevator going to the locked section of the tower, the doors of the elevator opened in the center of a elegant kitchen and if you looked over to the right a rather large and gorgeous living room.

The two women who were still having a conversation at the kitchen island, both looked up moving to see who came threw the elevator doors.

"I picked the newbie, if one of you can show them around that'll be great I'm busy" Tony said quickly before wondering off into the large area, leaving you with the two women, which the dark red headed widow had chosen to also excuse herself, leaving y/n once more with Wanda Maximoff.

"Looks like you're stuck with me" the witch laughed while y/n face lost color, they didn't want wanda to think they didn't wanna be shown around by her, they thought Wanda was 'pretty cool'

Wanda prompt you to follow her through the large hallways of the tower, while all the doors looked the same y/n was sure they would find themself getting lost around here.

Wanda opened one of the many doors on the right side, moving off to the side allowing you to move inside the large suite.

"My room is right next door if you need anything and I mean anything feel free to come find me Дорогой, oh and I'm sure Tony will have your important belongings here shortly" wanda told them, before leaving y/n to settle in for a few moments.

While looking around y/n must've gotten distracted, like always losing track of time as next thing they know, their door was reviving a harsh knock, which followed by multiple agents bringing in some box's holding items clearly from y/n's now old crummy apartment, no words were exchanged as the group of agents left the box's and went on with their day.

Y/n began to take things out, placing them around the room as everything felt so fast, they were meant to just try and get a start, not become a part of this team of heroes, that's no all, they live with some of the coolest people know, like the girl who's room was only one door over...

Items now sat on selves, the bed was changed to their old bedding, it made the suite feel much more home like. Finally getting through all the box's of clothes, y/n was able to change into more comfortable clothing having no plans to leave the room, honestly they weren't to sure where to go if they did leave.

Y/n was sat on the very large bed, with their laptop pulled up trying to figure out the wifi password.

"It's 'Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist' the password" a witch said from the doorframe. Causing y/n to jump from sudden sound of her voice.

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you" wanda apologized welcoming herself into their room, not like y/n really minded.

"Here let me see" wanda typed in the long narcissistic password password into y/n's laptop, causing it to go back into their Netflix showing the continue watching page which the witch didn't miss picking up on all the roma-coms they had been watching.

"You like sitcoms?" Wanda asked relating it back to herself

"Yeah they make life seem so much better" y/n explained as Wanda knew completely what they meant.

"You know, sitcoms are my favorite, I grew up with them" the witch recalled fondly of the past, before the bad came into her life.

"Actually I came here to invite you to team movie night, we have a movie and team bounding night every week, and as you are now apart of this teen we want you to join us?" Y/n agreed to come to the movie night. Standing up wearing only comfy clothes, which hugged their body so nicely causing Wanda to struggle as she was trying not to stare.

Wanda who was in a tang and grey sweat pants lead y/n back to the large living space they had saw earlier, yet this time multiple other avengers where sat on the multiple sofas in the area, Wanda sat down on a loveseat which was off to the side, yet still had a good view of the large television, using her arms to motion for y/n to come sit with her on the seat, as by this point wanda would be who they were most comfortable with, as they have shared moments and multiple conversations.

"My pick!" Peter had said, yet he'd been wanting to see a new horror movie, giving no one any heads up, just pulling up the movie and clicking play, to which y/n would soon find out, they were going to regret coming to 'team bounding'

Y/n tried to play it off like they were so strong, trying to no show they were completely terrified of the movie, while Wanda wasn't even trying to listen but y/n's thoughts were loud, as well as their body language, at any jump-scare y/n would flinch, the Scarlet witch didn't pay much mind leaning over to the other side of the shared loveseat pulling y/n into her side, providing some comfort, as well as embarrassing the young newbie, the black widow shot y/n a small smirk, soon moving to give Wanda an 'i told you so' kind of look.

The witch ignored the widow, focusing on calming y/n down, yet nothing seemed to work, she took a mental note that horror movies may not be aloud for a while at team movie night before quietly taking y/n's arm, gaining their attention before motioning for them to come with her, leaving the team to their movie, as they payed no mind to the two of them leaving.

"We could've stayed, the movie wasn't that bad" y/n said trying to act nonchalantly about it, knowing Wanda pulled them away due to their reaction to the film.

"No. Come let's go to my room" wanda left no room for argument, she was already protective over the new member, feeling a pull towards them. Well not like this attraction was new, not to Wanda at least, but it was just beginning for y/n.

Wanda opened up her rooms door, and it looked nothing like yours, much more settled in, the red accents inside the room reflected her personality much more than your bland room reflected yours, she went straight to the bed, motioning for you to join her on the other side, sitting crisscross on the bed, reaching for the remote before putting on one of her favorite sitcoms, which you both found much more enjoyable than the horror movie out in the living room.

"Sorry about movie night, I didn't mean to ruin the team bounding" y/n stated once more still feeling bad for pulling Wanda away from her team.

"Y/n it's okay, I'd much rather watch sitcoms and I enjoy watching them with you" She replied reaching to pull y/n into her side, wrapping her arms around the new team member enjoying the shenanigans of the show.

"Thank you" y/n mumbled out, slowly getting more comfortable with the women, which the acknowledgment made Wanda smile softly to herself, as she could feel y/n began to drift off.

The witch didn't move allowing y/n to rest after a very long day, it was like their life changed, and even thought the witch didn't know much about y/n she felt so attached to them.

Eventually wanda fell asleep to the show still playing and y/n still lying on her side, an arm was wrapped around them for the time being.

Wanda woke up around two in the morning, due to movement in the bed, after a moment of regaining full consciousness, she realized it was y/n who was thrashing around in the bed, clearly in distress.

"Y/n, y/n honey wake up" wanda tried softly shaking y/n trying to pull them out of their dream without causing them to panic to much, yet nothing seemed to be working, Wanda was trying not to panic herself, ended up using her powers seeing inside she was prepared to see the horror movie from that night, yet was met with much worse, Wanda was able to pull y/n from their nightmare, y/n jumped up with a jolt, clearly still in a panic.

"Y/n, y/n it's Wanda? You're at the tower. You're safe" the witch kept repeating, trying to ignore what she saw until you were calm.

"I-I'm sorry..."

"No, don't be y/n we all have bad dreams...would you like to talk about it?" Wanda kept her words in a hush tone, not wanting to be too loud at the late hour of the night, well more so early hour of the morning.

"I didn't mean to wake you up, I just get nightmares sometimes, and I know it's silly" y/n explain yet the other women just shook her head.

"I get nightmares, and so do many of the other avengers, it's not silly, it's just how your brain works when it's meant to be turned off" she explained to y/n trying to still comprehend what the dream was about.

"Y/n, i do have to ask though, do you remember what the dream was about? Because I couldn't wake you, not without my powers at least" the explanation would force y/n to recall what they saw only a few moments ago, flashbacks of their life, the truth about them, why they were so smart, why they seemed to be doing alright for themself even with such drastic changes in life.

"It was about my parents, well the people I lived with...see I was adopted at a young age as far as I'm aware, I don't know much about my past, I can't remember any of it, but i became the child of two scientists, I was their ginny pig, the test subject, I never went to a public school, the women homeschooled me, while the man watched how my brain was changing every hour of the day. It wasn't all bad, on my birthday they would always make me a cake and we would spend time like a family, but the next day it was back to the test, and all the labs, it was becoming to much, I was beginning to react poorly to their test, and one day I snapped I never learned how to fight but I did, I fought like hell to get away from that cabin up in the north, and it took a lot of time for me to get here...now here I am" y/n ranted out to Wanda, who was sat a little flabbergasted, while also she was livid, not at y/n but at the people who made their life so hard for so long...how could you do that to a kid.

"I'm sorry, please I can go that was a lot" y/n panicked now when the witch didn't give a reply, yet wanda was quick to hush them, pulling them into her arms letting them relax, and for once feel safe.

"Y/n as long as you're here, you'll be safe, This team, and me alone wouldn't let any one hurt you..ever." Wanda whispered into y/n's ear, her fingers ran through their hair, softly soothing them, prompting them back to sleep, still in the women's strong hold.

Waking up the next morning y/n was still passed out, sleeping soundly on the left side of the bed, Wanda got up to go get some coffee, making her way to the kitchen, she was met with the one and only russian red head. The black widow, with her signature smirk

"I'm pretty sure this is when I say...what is that saying? I told you so." Natasha poked fun at the witch, who clearly wanted more than just a friendship with the newbie, more than even romantics Wanda wanted y/n as hers, and hers only, she would protect y/n, and no harm would ever reach the newbie again....

"Wanda?" Y/n mumbled coming out of the witches bedroom, in the early hours of the morning

"Out in the kitchen" wanda called back, soon being met with a sleepy y/n, their hair messy, as they came over clinging to the witch, who by this point she couldn't even deny y/n to the other team members, they two of them became a thing rather quickly, the two of them had so much potential, getting out of this town, Wanda could make y/n a great spouse, they could have kids, the ideas bagan to flow in Wanda's mind, hoping she could fill y/n's head with the same thoughts.

that's not the end of this twisted love story thought? Is it?

#lgbtqia #marvel #marvel mcu #writing #fanfic #marvel edits #marvel fic #lizzie x reader #wanda maximoff #natasha romanov #wanda maximilf #mommy wanda #wanda maximoff x reader #a twisted love story #anyaeras #the scarlet witch #fluff #angst

[bookgirlrants]

Rant #1

finally, the time has come for the first rant of bookgirlrants. for today's rant, i want to talk about dark romance and the issues i've come across while reading it.

to start, i just want to say that i'm new to the genre while also not being new at all. i used to write dark romance a lot growing up, used to read dark romance fanfics, and my favorite book has been flowers in the attic since i was 16! i just haven't started reading newer dark romance until very recently.

now, the rant. my intro to this genre has been with haunting/hunting adeline. i had heard incredible things about the duel series and finally decided to give it a go. for reference, i usually read horror and more taboo type books. i figured dark romance would stay pretty close to what i read usually (and was proved right!) so i bit the bullet and started reading.

it honestly took me about 200-300 pages into haunting to finally start liking it without cringing at least a little bit. the writing reminded me a lot of those fanfics i read as a little emo kid, which...is both good and bad. nostalgic, but a little off putting now that i'm an adult woman. however, once i started liking it, jesus christ, i started like it! i ended up caring for and falling in love with the characters.

hunting adeline on the other hand. good lord. i knew people said it was darker, but i truly was not expecting what i got with that book. incredibly action packed and heart wrenching and i was on the edge of my seat the whole time. i found a whole different love for the chracters and the books in general after finishing it.

now listen, this rant is NOT about the cat and mouse series. this rant is about the disappointing way people react to dark romance novels...actually, difficult topic novels as a whole. after finishing hunting, i put in my little star rating on goodreads and thought, shit, why not read some ratings? good god, i forgot why i always ignore ratings on books.

at the beginning of haunting adeline, i noticed the author specifically asked people not to give bad ratings just for the dark parts of the DARK romance novel. i thought it was strange, but overall didn't think much of it after that. that was, until i looked at these god foresaken reviews.

damn near every dark romance novel i've looked at has a list of trigger warnings or has a link to where you can find the content involved. personally, i don't have a problem with content/trigger warnings for books. i am absolutely the type of person that the more fucked up a book is, the more i love it. however, i know most people do not feel the same way!! there is not one thing wrong with that.

you know what there is something wrong with though? completely ignoring those warnings, proceeding, and then throwing a bitch fit of a review because it was too much for you and your standards. i am such a strong believer that just because a form of media makes you feel something negative, does not necessarily mean it's a bad thing.

if i had a penny for every review i've read over the years that are people being mad that a disturbing book...disturbed them...i would be a fucking millionaire. i've seen it with damn near every favorite book of mine/books that have truly made my stomach churn. and i have now seen it with every popular dark romance novel. it's now made me start thinking twice when i stick my nose up at a badly rated novel.

sometimes, i'll see people reply to others who have DNF'ed a dark romance because they are upset when they trampled over trigger warnings and then lost their marbles when the book triggered them. sometimes it's people who completely agree or say that they're no longer going to read the book. other times, there's people who think and feel the same way i do. people who call them out for shaming an entire genre of books and a massive group of people.

one of the reasons i love reading horror and taboo and dark romance is because of traumatic things i've been through, and i know it's the same reason a lot of people read them too. even for the people who just love a little bit of fucked up shit in their life, i get it. i just don't think i'll truly ever get why people feel the need to leave bad reviews and shame readers and authors because of something that made them feel uncomfortable. embrace the darkness, and if you can't, don't blind the ones that do with your giant fucking flashlight.

thank you guys for coming to my first rant, see ya next time! and you know where to come for questions, comments, concerns and to rant back at the void!

#rant #haunting adeline #reading #hunting adeline #book tumblr #booktok #spicy books #booklr #cat and mouse #zade and adeline #literature #book rant #dark romance #mine #goodreads #book review #bookgirlrants

[willinglyghoulified]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the Last 10 people Who reblogged something from you. Learn about your mutuals and followers. 🎠 But only if you want to, just have fun! 💖💖

Awe thank you!~ I love this sm! Answers are gonna get long-winded though T_T

5 Things That Make Me Happy:

Positive Feedback - has to be on the top of my list because this absolutely does breathe life into me. I started writing in the first place to make people happy. I do it because I love it and I want to share that love with others. I want to be the writer that makes people look forward to getting off work to read that new chapter or the reason they stayed up a little too late because they just had to know what happened next. I want my stories to be someone else's escape. And maybe one day, I'll be on their bookshelves, too. ♥

Genuine Friendships - they're so important to me. I'm someone who has very few friends and even fewer family, so if you're close to me, it means something. I'm all about chosen family, and it often reflects in my writing (one of my fav main characters has a tendency to adopt lonely misfits). With my friends, we're either just acquaintances or you're my goddamn sibling, there's really no in between, which is both a good and a bad quality trait.

Fucking Fallout - because it's the most immersive game I've ever played. I know a lot of the games get some hate throughout the fandom, but I genuinely love every installment that they come up with, because it continues the story. Even with all its flaws, I love all of 1, 2, 3, 4, NV, and 76. I'm more partial to 4 because I relate more to their characters, but NV had the superior storyline. ♥ I literally cannot get this game or these characters out of my head.

BTS - Okay hear me out on this one: I know BTS is a stereotypical K-Pop band, but I seriously love them as people. I don't like K-Pop normally, as a genre. I listened to "emo music" growing up (I was born in 1993 so the 2000s was where my favorite music really lied). I was also a troubled kid and I brought a lot of those insecurities and trauma to my adulthood, and my old bands just wasn't doing it anymore. The memories of teen angst mostly stressed me out. But then I found BTS, and their music and messages helped me SO MUCH as a young adult, well into later adulthood (I'm 29 now). I absolutely love them, and they make me happy with their genuine care and messages. Those 7 boys are some of my biggest inspirations in life, reminding me that I can do anything if I try hard enough. But you will NEVER catch me mixing my love for BTS with the Fallout stuff on this blog. I've noticed that liking K-Pop is a quick way to catch hate, so I keep my obsession with them to myself. I'm okay with that; I've done it for the last six years.

My Husband - as cheesy as it is to say, I have the best husband I could have asked for. STORY TIME: I met him in Kindergarten, and he was always getting me in trouble by making me laugh and the teacher kept telling us to be quiet. She had to separate us. I had a crush on him in 2nd grade. Then we didn't see each other again until middle school. We had gym class together in 6th grade. In 8th grade, we became best friends. He dated a friend of ours in 9th, and I thought that would help me get rid of the feelings I had for him because I was terrified I'd ruin our friendship if I made a move. It didn't work out between him and our friend, but he told me in 10th grade that he liked me a lot, and we really understood each other. (Honestly it "helped" that we both came from troubled/broken families and were both below poverty level.) When we got together, we were each other's first EVERYTHING. We were together all throughout high school with no complications, and our peers deemed us worthy of being prom king and queen in 12th grade even though we were the nerds who oftentimes got bullied. It was so surreal. We moved in together after high school. We went through a loooooot of bullshit. Being kicked out of houses, losing jobs, losing family members (deaths and otherwise) and we're pretty much inseparable now. We've been together for 14 years. He's supportive in everything I do, even if he doesn't always understand my obsessions. He believes in me. He knows I'm not going to thank him for doing the bare minimum (respecting me, listening to me, helping me, not expecting me to mother him, etc). He genuinely fucking loves me. And he's pretty damn handsome and funny, too. Icing on the cake. And after losing all the people that we have over the years, we're pretty much all that we've got left. But I wouldn't choose to live this life with anyone else.

#ask #ask games #5 things that make you happy #thank you for asking #this was a lovely start to my day #apologies for rambling #i just felt like simple answers didn't do the subject justice

[many-but-one]

Signs of being a system that we showed as a child

We are luckily in a decent position where we have a good relationship with our mother, who was around us quite a bit while we were growing up. I won't say she was perfect or even still is, she is the root of a lot of our problems today, but we have worked (on both sides) to mend our relationship and it's been successful. She is supportive of us being a DID system and in fact, when first telling her about it in therapy she said "Well that explains a lot." Of course, I found this interesting and decided I wanted her to elaborate on what she meant by that. This list I'm about to provide is by far not exhaustive and should not be used as a diagnostic tool. These are simply some things that when our mother looked back on it she was like "hm. I should have known that was weird" after finding out we were multiple. (Also want to add, none of these are going to be talking about the signs of trauma I was showing. I was showing a lot of signs of sexual trauma that she didn't understand or pick up. This list is not talking about that at all, just things she noticed after learning we were a DID system that suddenly made a lot of sense to her.)

Amnesia. That was the biggest thing that she noticed. It was constant, from grade school to even now. She'd ask how school was and whoever was fronting just wouldn't know. If we had homework we often wouldn't know until we saw maybe like a handout about a project or physically saw the sheet of homework in our bag. Which means we'd get yelled at for saying we didn't have homework when in reality we really didn't know. As we grew older we compensated with a planner or phone reminders after we got a smartphone in high school. As a teen, if we were at home during summer break, she would ask us to do a chore or task and whoever was out would agree. Of course, we'd then switch and she'd come home with it not finished. She'd say "you literally agreed" and whoever was in front would have no memory of that happening. She started compensating by writing down what she wanted done and putting it in a very obvious place. Which of course, worked really well because whoever would end up coming out when she was gone would see the note our mother left and pick up the task with no problem. She never understood why that worked but other things didn't.

To add to amnesia, memory gaps were something she noticed too. Sometimes I'd remember something that happened in the past and sometimes I wouldn't. Usually it was things that I should have remembered, like my birthday party I had last week or the car accident we had just been in a few days ago. As a young adult I got into a car accident with just myself in the car and after I got home my mother asked what happened and I couldn't really recall any details. However, when over hearing me speaking on the phone with the insurance agent, she heard I was able to recall the exact details of exactly how the car accident happened. As I was a young adult she realized that I remembered so little of my childhood it was quite concerning, and sometimes when speaking about it (even positive things) I'd always find an excuse to leave the conversation. If I wasn't able to, I'd generally nod along but she could tell I didn't actually remember anything she was talking about. She didn't think much of it in terms of the pre-6 or 7 year old years, but became a bit more concerned when she realized I didn't remember much before even the age of 12 or 13, and didn't remember certain entire years of school that should have been memorable. (I didn't remember 7th or 8th grade, nor did I remember any of my Junior (11th) or Senior (12th) year of high school.)

Very intense mood swings or sudden changes in opinion or ideology. As a child we could go from happy to freaking out in an instant, with no real defining reason. She was usually at a loss of what to do. As a teen it became WAY more complex and pronounced. We'd go from "goodie two shoes that wants to go to college" to "rebel teen that wants to drop out of school and is getting high whenever their parents aren't around" and neither of those "versions" would really remember or understand that the other existed. My mother would be so exasperated trying to explain to "rebel" self that I had just told her the other day I wanted to be a doctor, what happened? And rebel self would basically just be like "whatever, idk what you're talking about." Or in that same vein, one version of myself was kind and acted well around outsiders and other family members and the other version of me was cynical, sarcastic, cussed a lot, and hated pretty much everyone other than our boyfriend at the time. Yes, this was [dead name alter] and Alice, our two most frequent fronters during high school. [Dead name alter] ended up splitting due to stress and abuse from our father into who is now Jules and Aeron. She said one of the most obvious things she noticed is that sometimes when being yelled at (usually by our stepfather /neg) I'd either completely fawn or shut down OR I'd go heavy into fighting and arguing. There was no real pattern or thing in particular that would make me fight or fawn. It was random, just sometimes I would fight and scream back and other times I would shut down and just nod and agree to everything until he stopped. She usually tried to intervene as far as we remember, but he was the type who believed he was always right. At the very least, our mother would get the attention off of us so that we could go to our room or the bathroom to calm down.

Struggle deeply with making big decisions. I know this isn't technically like a diagnostic criteria or anything, but any sort of situation that was really "big" like deciding whether or not to quit sports or if we're even going to college or what our college major will be would change so quickly that we generally left the decision until the last minute. My mother said she used to talk to me about this stuff and my answers would change by the day, as if I was a different person every time.

Very differing demeanors toward people or pets. Kind of a reiteration of above, but not as extreme. Sometimes we'd seem really bored or not excitable about things that would normally get me excited (like friends coming over) or my love for our pets would suddenly turn to distaste or extreme annoyance. Sometimes I'd change almost before her eyes. Going from immensely excited to seeing a certain family member or friend only for them to arrive and for all that excitement to just be sucked out of me.

Dissociation. This is another big one that I had been showing since I was quite small. As a little kid (age 5-8 ish...trauma time) she called it my "dream world" where it would look like I was just daydreaming and when snapping out of it I wouldn't really know what she meant. I wouldn't realize I had been sitting on the couch essentially staring into space for the last ten minutes. As I grew older and had more independence, she'd knock on my door to my room or go find me in the house and I'd just be lost in my own little world, completely zoned out. At first she was worried I was using drugs (I wasn't at the times she mentioned) but when she'd start talking to me I'd usually snap out of it and respond looking completely aware and sober. She recalled it used to really creep her out at night because one time she came to the back of our house which had a smallish living room that I spent a lot of time in and I had been playing video games most of the night. When she came to check up on me and tell me I should think about going to bed (it was about 3AM at this point) she saw I was on the menu screen and just staring at the TV with no expression or emotion on my face, loosely holding the controller. She said it almost looked like I was frozen in time and it freaked her out really bad, but she was trying to remain calm. When she said my name I just kind of slowly looked at her, got up to turn everything off, and left without saying much of anything. She said the look in my eyes was not like anything she'd really seen--I looked dead inside. Shortly after I started therapy at her suggestion. (I had been in and out of therapists since age ten, but hadn't been going to one for a few years now.)

Age regression. Well into my upper teens and early adult years she'd walk into my room and see me playing with my stuffed animals or otherwise "kid" toys that I had as if I was a young child. I'd usually look pretty nonchalant about getting caught, not embarrassed like she would have thought. Usually she just let me be because it seemed to help me calm down. (She quickly noticed I did it more when I was really stressed.)

VERY differing aesthetics or styles that would change literally almost every year. My wife noticed this too (we were friends for a long time before we started dating and then we also started dating and she noticed this too, long before the DID diagnosis.) You can look at a picture of me year after year for the last, oh, like 7 or 8 years and I literally look like a different person every time. Wildly different hair styles, clothing styles, makeup styles, etc. My gender expression also heavily oscillated between male and female almost constantly.

That's all I can remember my mother mentioning over the last couple months of me being "out" as a system to her. (I also want to say, all of the above things are things I DO NOT remember or very VERY vaguely remember.) If I think of more, I will add them! Did any of you show these signs that you remember? If so, did your parents ever question you about them?

-Jules

#did osdd #did #did alters #jules #dissociative identity disorder #actually did #dissociative system #osddid #signs of being a system #otherwise specified dissociative disorder #osdd #trauma

[more-than-a-princess]

🐣What were you like as a kid? Allegedly? Has anything changed, and have people noticed?

In Depth and Personal Munday Meme - Accepting!

My favorite places as a child were quiet, full of books and/or dolls, and somewhere I could wear a pretty dress, eat sweets, and read to my dolls or stuffed animals. I'm an only child and have parents with busy careers, so I was left on my own (middle school and up) or with a sitter or nanny quite often. I had trouble making friends and relating to other kids as I was constantly surrounded by adults whom I could reason with: I'm pretty sure part of the reason why I was bullied so much was that I attempted to reason with other kids the way I did with adults (or tried to) and couldn't understand why they just teased me instead. I begged to be homeschooled but my parents said no and sent me to private school hell instead. I think the only time I really liked going to school for something more than my favorite classes was university.

That said, my favorite things in life were the bookstore and/or library, Scholastic Book Fair (I was that kid who ordered whatever I wanted off the book list and needed help carrying the bags to my parents' cars), the Disney Store (beeline for the stuffed animal tower and the TV playing film/song clips usually, if I wasn't distracted by dolls), and whenever I got new Barbies or American Girl dolls. I actually preferred AG more: the fact they came with books and girls from historical eras was the coolest thing to me! Those dolls and my cats at the time got to hear a lot of me trying to read aloud as much as I could.

I wasn't very athletic so sports teams were out of the question most of the time (I lifted weights instead starting in middle school in lieu of a school team due to how badly I was bullied. It just wasn't a great idea for my mental health to keep me around those kids longer than I needed to be), and I wasn't allowed video games until high school (right around when I'd sent my college applications) because my parents were convinced that if I played video games, I'd never get into a good university. This is a big reason why I never became much of a gamer! I didn't grow up with the hand-eye coordination practice with consoles and controllers many kids did. I also didn't get cable TV until the end of middle school: things like Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel were luxuries for me, ones I only got to indulge in at other family members' houses.

I think the funniest bit of it all is how I went from very much a dress-loving, pink-adorning, dress-wearing child to a teenager, constantly sullen, dressed in black/Hot Topic/early Torrid attire with the goth-iest high school senior photoshoot...and right back to a woman who adores dresses, classic colors, neutrals, and pastels, and just feels better about her day when pulling a dress and favorite pair of shoes/bag out of her closet, just to go to a cafe and shopping/a bookstore. My parents have definitely noticed this and are having the last laugh at middle/high school-era Rae, who would only wear wide leg JNCO style trousers with so many ripped holes at the bottom, bondage pants/skirts, anime/geek t-shirts, fancy dresses from The Pyramid Collection (I had a wicca phase) and the darkest red lipstick that wasn't black but still broke the school dress code so the administration made me wash it off each morning (despite me swatching it on my hand and showing them no, it wasn't black: black lipstick was banned, like jeans, miniskirts, tanktops, and anything featuring 'gang' logos or relating to Eminem or Nelly. Honestly, besides the jeans, good move school!)...is now a far more cheerful and content person, who has embraced color, dresses, bows, etc. once again.

tl;dr - my teenage years were awful, do not want to revisit no matter how much my high school keeps insisting I should show up for my 20-year reunion.

In a more nerdy sense, I'm realizing that in my late thirties with more disposable income, I can finally wear all the costumes I wanted to do as a teenage cosplayer but didn't have the funds to do so. I am doing or rewearing so many old school costumes in 2024, and upgrading some outfits I already love with higher-quality pieces.

#more-than-a-princess answered #more-than-a-princess musings #dcviated #(In Depth and Personal Munday Memes) #(Thank you for the ask Bear! I hope some of this is a nostalgia trip) #(Dear younger Gen Z mutuals especially under the age of 25: the clothing styles popular in your generation now?) #(I wore those in middle/high school. It is -frightening- to see it all come back.)

[adhd-games-and-me]

A long overdue UPDATE - Conversation with Anna Hollinrake

Hello all!

Firstly, I want to say it's been a while! A lot of stuff has happened since I started this, mainly the fact that I've recently moved house. Most. Stressful. Thing! Luckily we're in now and getting stuff settled.

Now that my excuse for why I've not updated in a while is out of the way, I'm delighted to have FINALLY had the chance to talk to the lovely Anna Hollinrake (link) about her experience of someone with ADHD in the industry! The transcript of the chat is below (or as best as I can do!) so please enjoy - it's very interesting to hear from her about her experiences and hopefully this will be one stepping stone to have chats with more people and go from there!

Anyhoo! Here's the chat!

Andy: Hi Anna - many thanks for chatting with us today! I'm going through the ADHD process at the moment and I'm looking to get some people together who are going through or have been through a similar process that I am going through. So the lovely Anna has joined us today. Can you tell us a little about yourself? How long have you been in the industry? How long have you had your diagnosis?

Anna: Thanks Andy! So yep I'm Anna, I've been working primarily in the games industry but games and animation for just over 8 years now. I studied Game Art and then went onto to do game art. I've jumped around subject matters, but main focus is concept art, but then art direction and then creative art director as I've gotten more into design as a focus. So lot's of variety there! I'm very interested into world design and all the processes that go with that! I've also done management and working with others in teams which I really enjoy too! As for the ADHD diagnosis, I had an inkling I might have ADHD back in 2018 and then proceeded to not do anything with that information for years largely because I was able to get by day to day. I didn't realise how much it was impacting things and inhibiting things.

And: Yeah, mine has sort of come into fruition in the past year or so and again I didn't really realise how much it impacted things. There's just little things you notice or other people notice and they go "Well, have you thought about getting an assessment or something" - it's a very interesting thing. I would have thought with reading stuff online that there is a massive sway towards it being more of a younger thing? There doesn't seem to be much information out there for adults. I'm not sure what your thoughts are on this?

Anna: 100% - I didn't get officially diagnosed until January this year after a years waiting list - also, what with COVID and living by myself and everything involved with that, I got to a point where I was like "I can't function right now"

Andy: This is very interesting! So I'm on a list currently and I'm like "thanks, you're on a list - now what" kind of situation - it's a very strange process and I'm at that stage where I'm like should I be doing more, what is there out there for me?

Anna: So I ended up calling up the line and asking if there had been any cancellations because I just wasn't functioning and things were getting pretty bad and luckily there was a cancellation so that was a lifeline pretty much - very grateful for that happening. It's been very interesting as I didn't know ANYTHING about it growing up - you'd get the 6 year old boy tearing things up and acting up all the time, and that was what you viewed it as,

Andy: 100% - there's a very strong picture built up in my opinion about what people thing ADHD people are - the restless, acting up all the time not paying attention person in the corner who doesn't listen and doesn't do what they're asked and it's not that at all. There are so many different paths and different types of ADHD that people don't even realise exist!

Anna: I don't think I necessarily would have asked for a referral if it hadn't been for meeting game developers who were really on it and have weird idiosyncrasies that I could relate to and it's odd that ADHD sort of just crept up on me and found me in a way. One of my best friends got diagnosed and then another friend and another and I just got more of the feeling that oh, maybe I should get this checked. It's weird that the people that I'm closest with and people from secondary school all have ADHD. I think it's the case of like sees like and yeah just really interesting.

Andy: I think that's a very valid point though and one I'm trying to get across here - ADHD isn't a bad thing, and some of the most creative minds I've met - not just in the games industry but wherever, have ADHD and embrace it and see it as a wonderful thing. You don't need to shy away from it and not think that there's something wrong with you - it can be a very toxic way to think sometimes, and I want to address that by doing things like this and having these chats and getting voices out there to say it's ok - look at us two and where we are!

Anna: I mean, the reason why I started talking about ADHD is that it seems that people with ADHD in the games industry are everywhere, and also, I'm kind of incapable of shutting up. A few years ago it seemed kind of a scary thing to talk about, especially in front of hundreds of people, but now I embrace it. I love making powerpoint presentations too so there's that! But yeah it felt very necessary to talk about things. If you take a look at the diversity census from this year and they changed the language around ADHD diagnosis because they acknowledge that getting a diagnosis is difficult. They changed it from you have a diagnosis to do you have a diagnosis or suspect that you have ADHD. If you're devouring ADHD content and you are resonating with a lot of things, statistically you are more than likely to have it. It's crazy - the number of people on the cencsus who put that they think they have ADHD rose from 3% in 2020 to 10% - and if that's covering the majority of the games industry - that's mad! I don't think it's just loads of people have been diagnosed I think it's the change of routine (especially with COVID) has made people think a lot differently.

Andy: Very interesting stuff there. So, another question then - being in the job that you're in, how has ADHD affected things? Be that in a positive way, a negative way, what's your take on things?

Anna: It has affected 100% - I think the majority of it is positive! I hate the phrase "ADHD as a superpower"

Andy: 100% agree - I think it puts you almost on a pedestal, and if something negative was to happen, it would be a very bad thing!

Anna: It feels like when you see that discussion happening, people don't see the other things going on outside of the positivity - the laundry pile next to another laundry pile, or the fact every saucepan has been used! Or the 25000 emails that are unread to the point where I've created a new email!

Andy: Agree wholeheartedly - It's all the little things in the background that they don't see that make you think "this isn't a superpower at all!

Anna: But yeah, in terms of how it has affected my career 100% for the better - I've been privileged to work on many different types of things and the fact that I've managed to do all these things is crazy and the fact that I've managed to do this with ADHD is awesome, especially when I was first diagnosed I kind of had a mind melt where I was like "what is me?" and went on a bit of a self-finding mission which was very interesting!

Andy: I think that's where I am at at the moment - I've had the initial assessment and filled out the paperwork - which is harrowing in itself right? Because there's the section that parents have to fill out and then they think it's something they've done wrong and you just get into this blame spiral almost and it shouldn't be like that at all - no one is to blame here! So I'm now in that 2 year wait where I can get on with my life, but now I'm like "OK, what do I do now" kind of thing - should I be doing more, what can I do to do more? etc. and I think that's where I'm kind of struggling with things a bit is the whole waiting game!

Anna: Absolutely - this is a lot of what my talk is about - It's called ‘ADHD City – Weird Things That Help for the Creative (but noisy) Brain (more info on Anna talking about this at Develop Brighton here) - it was very nerve racking talking about the different things and coping mechanisms - one of the weirdest one saying "I'm not doing it" over and over again whilst you're doing something you don't really want to do! - I think you have to have to be very careful to fall into these weird techniques - one of the hardest things for me is starting a project - Once I've started something there is absolutely nothing that makes me want to get up and go do something else or wander around, but getting to the point where I start that thing, that's the toughest part for me - but once I'm in I want to be there and I want to focus on it and nothing else

Andy: for me I'm one of those that gets easily distracted - so I play and collect Warhammer and wargames stuff - I got a new set and then a couple of weeks later I see a new shiny thing and go "oooh" and completely forget about the original thing - there's a correlation between that and the job I do - I'm grateful to be on many different projects all going off at the same time, but that doesn't help at all with my personal struggle of "sit down, get this thing done" - very frustrating at times!

Anna: I mean I've tried to start so many things - I would only finish things if I was trapped in a situation - I've learnt to harness this, but the times where I've gone "cool, let's start this" and then gone "oh I'm bored now let's do something else" - so frustrating! I think for a lot of people who are undiagnosed, they seem to have a lot of anxiety and that's what holds everything together and what stops things going wrong. I remember being at school and I'd forgot a book and the horror that I'd forgot this book after I'd put all these things in place, but once I'd realised that the "bad" thing of forgetting the book wasn't bad at all, it stopped being extreme and I remember seeing my history teacher later on after I'd left school and they mentioned they were talking about me and had my history folder and all these things and notes fell out - and I was like "yeah..." - I didn't ever structure things in a way that was at all useful, I just used to note things down because if I didn't I was afraid of the consequences and that's really interesting.

Andy: The whole trapping yourself in a situation I've never thought about before - it's a very interesting thing. With the place we work, the pressure and the fact there are deadlines weirdly helps us to focus - even if we are given a deadline in a couple of months time, the crunch focus part in the end two weeks or so is crazy and helps us to deal and cope with things being under that pressure and stress - it's very weird!

Anna: So that right there is 100% an ADHD thing - I mean, deadlines help a lot of people, but more pronounced for ADHD people - adrenaline is something that we live off of and crave, and that's why a lot of people with ADHD become paramedics or fire fighters because we make really good first responders as we act better under that immense pressure, but it's not a button that you want to push all the time because it has a cost and can exhaust us - I remember I went to an all girls school and there was this running joke that we were somehow all good at producing a vast amount of work in a very short deadline, but more than likely it was the fact that we all just a bunch of "gifted" children who are all just a little bit mentally strange and was just a hot bed for ADHJD traits I think. One of the things I talk about are short courses and short wins because I know I'm not going to be able to sit through a video tutorial that's x number of hours long - I can now that I've got medication and it's a lot better, but in terms of sitting down and following a video - unless it's three minutes long telling me exactly what to do - I'd rather mess around and do my own thing

Andy: yeah you mentioned Unreal - I've signed up to these mastering unreal courses that are 7/8 hours long - they're better as they're split into different chunks but still it's a lot for people to focus on who are easily distracted.

Anna: Yeah no... haha! But, going back to the medication thing I found fascinating - after going onto the medication I watched a half hour video and would make consistent notes and I could follow and I was absorbing it and I didn't feel overwhelmed - mind boggling! I was doing it days on end too! But generally before, not a chance!

Andy: I think people like short wins and things that give them a sense of completion - it's very interesting to hear how much the medication actually changed things and helped though, very interesting stuff! It's just really nice to chat about these things and hear a new opinion on Stuff! With that being said, in terms of support and outside the whole process, is there anything you've used or you think helped?

Anna: Absolutely! One of the key things, especially for adults who want to get more info on this kind of thing is ADHD UK (link) - I've spoken to Henry the founder and we spoke for a couple of hours about my talk - they also do free drop in zoom call sessions where you can chat and talk with ADHD experts and ask questions and there's other things that they do too! They're a fairly new charity but already they're doing some amazing stuff!

Andy: I think it's interesting that they've only been around a couple of years! ADHD in my eyes seems to have become more in the limelight in the past few years as we're learning more and more about it, whether that be due to the whole COVID environment and people wanting to discuss and talk more about things, but it's very cool to see more and more things popping up!

Anna: It has really blown up! The speed at which the visibility of ADHD has improved over the last three years is mad - it feels like a change is coming!

Andy: When I think back about us talking about ADHD being genetic and talking about parents and their generation - it seems lile a completely different mindset - it's like they blame themselves for how we are and that ADHD is a bad thing still

Anna: I guess I'm a little more used to it, especially self reflection and re-analysing stuff - I'd been turning things over in 2016 and then having the opportunities now to do these kind of things - you have to get used to turning things over - coming back to career stuff and the reason why I went into concept are it I hate exporting things - waiting for things to go from one thing to another to another - I'm just like no I don't want to do this - I could but I just don't have the patience.

Andy: For me this is my first games industry job - I've been software testing for the past 10-12 years - this is NOTHING like I did before - it's weirdly helping ADHD wise as I'm trying to restructure and re-learn my brain to do things that it probably could do, but getting my brain to rewire and learn things in a different way is actually really exciting. This has been super fun and an awesome chat Anna, and I just want to say a massive thankyou to you for jumping on! I'm hoping to get more people on and do more things like this!

Anna: Not a problem at all. It's great, and the fact that more and more people are aware of it, it feels necessary - I'm hoping to record an online version of my ADHD talk, and get more info out there. Obviously there are more things that get in the way. If I can recommend something, if you need to get things done, accountability is great, but if there is a threat of losing something then that can definitely help! I had this thing where I needed to get something done and I said to my friend (who also has ADHD) if I don't get this thing done I'll give you £15 - they were like "OK I'll up the stakes - if you don't get your task done I'm going to donate that £15 to the church of scientology" - cue me infuriated and start writing straight away - safe to say it worked! So those kind of things definitely help!

Andy: Haha genius! I can see how that can definitely help you focus and get stuff done - well thankyou once again Anna - I hope the talk goes really well, and hope to see an online version of it soon!

Anna: thanks for having me, and I hope we can catch up again soon!

Hope for some of you this has been super helpful, and let me know if you have had similar experiences and things yourself!

Thanks for reading all!

#adhd culture #adult adhd #my adhd #games industry #video games #adhdawareness #adhd brain #actuallyadhd

[boldlyvoid]

Intro and masterlist

✨about me ✨

this is a mature blog, I trust all minors to be responsible and avoid everything marked NSFW!

NSFW sideblog: @pervstash-spencer

Hi! my name is emily, I'm 23 she/they

Capricorn, bisexual, non-binary, autistic, and I have fibromyalgia ✌🏻 overall just a fun time y'know.

ao3

i love: supernatural, star trek, marvel movies, criminal minds, this is us and grey's anatomy !!

Accepting requests for Spencer Reid x Reader fics currently

all my tags are listed below if you want to see other posts about said fics, also here is my Spotify for the fics <3

Dad!spencer Masterlist

First times Masterlist**

all links to my fics below the cut!

Updated: July 28th, 2021

** for smut

~~ for angst

Spencer Reid x Reader fics

Hypothetically**~ Ao3 | Tumblr -- 27 chapters, complete. 89k

reader and Spencer were friends in kindergarten, she watched him grow up and explore the world while she was still trying to catch up to him. now that they work together, they fall in love incredibly fast.

friends to lovers, case of the week style story

touch me**~ Ao3 | Tumblr 5.8k

Spencer is incredibly touch-starved and hard on himself since coming home from prison. Luckily, the medical examiner in this small town is really good at reading people, and exactly what he needs.

amethyst you so much P1 Ao3 | Tumblr 6.4k

Spencer has had a crush on Y/N since she started working at the bau. She only ever works the night shift after a case, handling all the aftermath gracefully. one night, Spencer stays back and they strike up a conversation about rocks, causing their feelings to dig a little deeper.

of quartz i will P2** Ao3 | Tumblr 6K

after 2 years of dating, Spencer decides it's finally time to get Y/N something to match her Amethyst bracelet.

Amoreena**~ Ao3 | Tumblr Completed 83k

Heaven is a real place and it's located exactly 14.6 miles away from the FBI, Quantico Headquarters. Off behind a small park, under a fantastical willow tree surrounded by wildflowers, in every colour young minds can imagine.

Don't forget, heaven also comes with angels.

Seven* Tumblr WIP

Summary: Spencer’s been married to Y/N for 7 years now, they have 7 children together and each one is going through something different. Spencer’s always wanted to be the best dad, now he gets to figure out how to be.

the guy at the rock show Ao3 | Tumblr 5.6K

Y/N lost their parents when they were 17, finding a new home and solace in Penelope Garcia and taking the Garcia name. They're the top forensic specialist in D.C, in a band and they drive a motorcycle... not to mention they are madly in love with the cute doctor who works with their sister.

journey to Camelot** Ao3 | Tumblr 3.8K

When Penelope introduces Spencer to online games, he expects to be spending his nights alone. Yet, somehow every time he comes back from a bad case, he logs on to chat with the ever so lovely user FairlyGwen and getting a lot more than just a helpful tip from her.

Exploration** Ao3 | Tumblr 4.7K

request: season1/2 spencer walking in on reader while she's watching porn in their shared hotel room

Expedition** Tumblr 1.2K

Summary: there's a first time for everything... including joining the mile high club with your boyfriend on the work jet.

10 Days Ao3 | Tumblr 1.4K

it's spencer's first father's day and he's extremely emotional about the little love of his life that he's only just met. he spends the day with his baby, Edwin, and his wife, crying and happy about how wonderful new little lives are.

ain't it fun?** Ao3 | Tumblr Masterlist 11K

reader just needs an NA meeting before they have a meltdown, they end up with the best friend they could ever make.

I'm not kidding!** Tumblr 6K

Spencer keeps getting little notes from a secret admirer, they're nice and sweet at first as they tease him with their crush until she's sending him notes about all the dirty things she wants to do to him

Perfect Timing** Tumblr 1K

spencer and reader have been spending the last month together in the same hotel room during a pretty brutal case. tension has been rising and she's completely in love with him.

what happens when they both think the other won't be back for a while and they want to shower?

Redamancy** Tumblr 5.4K

the co-op librarian at the FBI Academy has been secretly crushing on the smartest agent in the Bureau, TA, Doctor Spencer Reid, and he's been crushing on her too.

Being Neighbourly** Tumblr 1.9K

Request: reader is Spencers neighbour and she can hear him masturbating every night that he's home how do you have her deal with that?

Professional Hair Dresser (Ph.D)** Tumblr 6.4K

summary: after Spencer's knee injury, he starts visiting a salon every week to get his hair washed

36 Questions to Fall in Love Tumblr 8K

Summary: When Derek bets Spencer that he cant make someone fall in love with him in a week, he doesn’t expect Spencer to marry the girl the next day

New Romantics** Tumblr 23k

Summary: She needs help studying for her Case Exercises at the Academy, He needs a date for the annual Banquet... they just so happen to be neighbours who aren't afraid to lend a helping hand, or in this case, a helping kiss.

Million Dollar Man** | Tumblr WIP 5k so far

summary: Spencer's therapist recommended he branch out and meet new people who don't want to talk about his work... she didn't expect him to sign up for a Sugar Daddy website.

Sugar, Honey, Ice Tea** | Y/N version | 1-4, 5-9, Epilogue 25.6k

Summary: Fix-it-fic: Dr. Y/L/N and Savannah Hayes have been best friends since their medical internship at Bethesda General. When she receives a frantic call that Derek's best friend is being transferred to the prison she works at, an unlikely friendship bubbles.

Eventually falling head over heels for the innocent man.

Warnings: Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Prison, Prison Violence, Assault, Blood, Depression, Murder, Self-Hatred, Hurt Spencer Reid, Canon-Typical Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Drug Addiction, References to Drugs, Drug Use, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, Romantic Tension, Forbidden Love, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Strangers to Lovers, Requited Love, Falling In Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Eventual Smut, past abusive relationship, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault

Spencer x Ethan

Ruin it.** Tumblr 5.4K

Summary: Spencer never had sleepovers as a kid, so now that he's an adult he's always sleeping over at Ethan's house, ad he'll take any excuse to crawl into bed beside him.

Warnings: mutual pining, love concessions, blowjobs, handjobs, anal sex (both top and bottom spencer in this), childhood friends to lovers

400 Celebration fics

Reid Me Tumblr 2.5K

Spencer has noticed a beautiful woman at a spirituality booth at the farmers market every Saturday for almost a whole year now. he finally asks her to give him a reading.

mystery of love Tumblr 700

Spencer surprises his wife with a trip to Italy.

Spy Kids Tumblr 900

Spencer and Y/N's kids think that they are secretly spies and request a mission story before bed.

a father's greatest weakness Tumblr 1K

Princess Y/N is betrothed to the Viking king in an effort by her father to keep the peace between their countries, he doesn't expect her to join in the fight to free Scottland.

Luke x Reader

Best Dad Ever 2.8K

Request: angst with a happy ending, reader and luke have been divorced for a few years but have a child, she tries and tries to fall out of love with him but he's around so often that she can't

Spencer x OC

Sugar Honey Ice Tea** Ao3 | WIP 9/10 chapters complete 25.6K

Fix-it-fic: Dr. Beth Pattinson and Savannah Hayes have been best friends since their medical internship at Bethesda General. When she receives a frantic call that Derek's best friend is being transferred to the prison she works at, an unlikely friendship bubbles.

Eventually falling head over heels for the innocent man.

Intro to Criminal Minds: Why They Did It Ao3 | Tumblr WIP 6K+

Spencer is teaching a 7-week seminar on the most interesting criminal cases, explaining their actions to understand why they took place. Only, not everyone in the audience is a student.

Criminal Minds x Mindhunter AU

Spencer x OC Peggy Carr

Franklin x Reader

Voulez-Vouz** | 3.2k

Summary: in a small town, everyone knows each other… or at least they think they do.

Warnings: porn with plot, smut, Dom reader, Sub!Perv!franklin, making out, teasing, face sitting, oral (female and male), hand jobs, overstimulation, prostate message, multiple orgasms, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, let me know if I forgot anything.

Chip x Reader

forever is the sweetest con** | 6.2K

Summary: Reader’s dad is a carpenter; sometimes he takes on apprentices and sometimes, if they’re lucky, they get his daughter’s number at the end of their training. Chip Taylor, however, hits the jackpot when her father invites him over for one of her homecooked meals.

Warnings: reader’s mom passed away, mentions of parental death, strangers to lovers, random acts of kindness, mutual pining, falling in love, steamy make-outs, oral sex (male and female receiving), fingering, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, creampie, dirty talk, sub!chip, food mentions, praise, love confessions.

Raymond x Reader

Alone Together ** | 2.4K

Summary: Raymond moves into a haunted house and ends up sleeping with the ghost who lives there... only he doesn't know that when you fuck a ghost you also become one.

Warnings: details of suicide and murder, blowjobs, pegging, bottom!raymond, top!reader, becoming a ghost, major character death.

Star Trek Masterlist

Star Wars fix it fic

Supernatural masterlist

thanks for all the love, as always,

-Emily <3

#masterlist #my fics #star trek #star wars #spn #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #mine #amoreena #hypothetically #amethyst you so much #the guy at the rock show #journey to camelot #spencer core #mgg core #420mgg #amoreena asks #garvez #spencer reid smut #spencercore #blurb #me #my face

[impala1967dwinchester]

Crowley: Pride Birthday

Pride Collection 2021: June 28th

Pairing: Crowley x Teenager!Daughter!Reader

Pov: Crowley

Warnings: None, Fluff

Summary: Crowleys daughter’s birthday lands in the month of pride. Celebrating with every single rainbow things possible when she comes out to him as (bisexual).

Word Count: 948

A/n- Bisexual, @firefly-graphics for dividers

Main Master List

Pride Collection 2021 Master List

"Daddy, we don't need to do this!" My daughter screams at the top of her lungs at the top of the stairs. I roll my eyes and yell back "Dear, I'm your father. I don't care what you want to do." I say scrolling through my phone and searching google for ideas for a surprise birthday celebration.

According to my phone, a good place to try and find party supplies is Target. I yell from the bottom of the stairs to my daughter. "Dear, you can either come with me, or I can go by myself." I wait a moment before I hear the slamming of her bedroom door, and then there she is appearing at the top of the stairs.

It's just been her and me since she was five, her mother died and left me to take care of her. She looks like her mother the more she grows up. My baby girl is turning seventeen at the end of this week, and honestly, I don't think I'm ready for her to be an adult.

I feel like I've missed out on so much with her, but in reality, I know that isn't true. She trots down the steps. Her heels click against the hardwood surface. She's wearing black jeans with a bright green shirt to match her eyes.

When she reaches the bottom of the stairs, she walks past me grabbing her purse, "If we are leaving then let's go daddy." She says opening and walking out of the front door. I roll my eyes and grab the eye to my Cadillac. The sky blue stings my eyes the first few moments of being outside.

Y/n is standing next to the car her hand pressed tightly around the handle. She's impatiently tapping her foot against the ground. I've spoiled her because I didn't think I was enough for her. I've spoiled her because that was something I thought Y/n's mother would have done for her.

I wish that my wife was here to see her. See our baby girl grow up into the amazing, strong, and brave woman she has become. As we walk around the store, I can hear the clicking of her heels against the tile flooring. She doesn't hold my hand anymore instead, she's got her hand wrapped tightly around her cell.

It's odd now to think about my bay all grown up, and wants nothing to do with me at all. She'd rather go hang out with her friends, or whatever she nowadays.

But she still calls me daddy, so I'm taking what I can get.

A fatherly instinct should have told me something when she started spending more time with her "girlfriends". Every weekend she'd come to me, pleading eyes, and her mother's sweet face beaming at me.

It wasn't long until I noticed the pattern of her weekly asks, pleads to stay at her girlfriend's house. It came to a point where all she'd have to do is walk into my office, and I'd just hum.

As we rounded the corner for the pride supplies, Y/n eye's beamed under the fluorescent lights in Target. A raised eyebrow, and a questionable look from me, and she went wild. Grabbing whatever she wanted.

They sold clothes, sleepwear, and so many other pride-like things in that small section. I could say at that moment, I was truly happy. I'd like to think so was my daughter. Her face beamed and she rounded another corner and found more things.

"Daddy, Daddy look." She yelled, I rounded the corner, and she had another hand full of things. She looked like my baby girl years ago, it sent a thrill of happiness through me. It was nice to see my baby girl truly happy over the simple things in life.

After her party, and meeting her partner. We ushered people out, she kissed her partner goodbye. Shutting the front door I began to clean up, our house was a wreck but nothing I wouldn't do for my daughter.

Y/n yawned as she passed by me to get some paper towels to clean the table's surface. The smile still brightly lit on her face, never losing it throughout the night.

"Thank you, daddy." She said another yawn interpreting her speech. She again looked and reminded me of her younger self. I set the garbage bag down and set it down on the clean couch. "Come her doll," I said reaching out for her hand.

The click of her heels was gone, and she sat down next to me. Leaning her head into my shoulder. "You're welcome, my dear," I said. Slightly she lifted herself and kissed my forehead. Another thing her mother used to do. In an intimate moment, it's funny how many things she grasped from her mother.

"I love you, daddy." She whispered as she settled back against my shoulder. "I love you, my dear," The words coming out like water from a faucet. Something I was so used to sayin' and in a moment like this, I would and could repeat that precious phrase over and over again.

We fell asleep downstairs on the couch, my daughter tightly under my arm, her breathing slowed. And I hoped and wished for her to just stay this age. The age where she still needs me. All she's ever had was just me, and all I've had as been her. I don't know what I'll do when she grows up.

What I do know is that she'll be just like her mother in life. Sweet, kind, daring, and brave. The most important thing though is that she'll still be my sweet baby girl.

Completed on: 06/29/2021

Posted on: 06/30/2021

#supernatural crowley #crowleyfromsupernatural #crowley x y/n #crowley king of hell #crowley x reader #crowley x daughter!reader #daughter reader #female!reader #crowley x you #crowley spn #crowley fic #spn #spn tag #spn fanfic #spn fluff #spn one shot #spnfandom #pride collection #pride lgbtg #pride 2021 #pride month #lgbt pride #pride #supernatualfluff #supernatural imagine #supernatural one shot #supernatural fic #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural x reader #supernatural

[alvhiedeir]

Little Red Elf

Thor X Reader

3174 words

This is longer than intended and quite different than requested and I have no excuse than my lack of discipline but I hope this is good enough

You are seriously thinking about investing on a security camera.

No, it wasn't that you were worried about being robbed. It's was being, 'gifted'.

In an almost daily basis, different items would make it's way to your doorstep. Black roots, hyacinth, hellebores, poppies and other herbs that would usually not grow around the area. It was nice, that was the first thought you had. You were no Circe, the great witch of Aiaia, but such ingredients could and did help greatly with your draughts. So as much as this occurrence should startle you, you brushed it off as the doing of one of your friends working for Lord Osanyin who would usually send you samples of anything new. You figured business was just doing better than usual for her to give you this much.

Two weeks, it continued on. When you rise for the day, there would be a neatly placed bundle of herbs or plant on your front steps. Always perfectly centered. And for two weeks, you accepted each and everything in such giddiness.

That is until you until today.

"I haven't been given you anything, (y/n)," She turned away from the selves she was organizing and continued, "it's been pretty busy lately for the last month with the arrival of new supply from Asia."

Her answer gave you a sudden feeling of uneasiness.

"Then who," your voice trailed, dragging the weariness and alert in the air. Your friend was quick to catch the shift of your mood.

"But think about it," she placed the bottle she was holding and walked towards you, "those herbs are rare and what are the chances of a random miscreant obtaining it?"

It eased your nerves a bit to hear her words.

"Or maybe, you finally have an admirer even if your always holed up in your home!"

She laughed at the jesting glare you sent.

"Like you're any better, cat lady."

"Hey! Having four cats does not count as being a cat lady!"

"Sure, whatever you say."

You shared a laugh, the tension thinning out. After saying a few words, she went back to the counter to pack the herbs that you bought, the reason why you were there in the first place.

"You bought quite a lot. What is it for anyway?"

"Loki wanted some draughts to "bring entertainment around this damn boring halls", his words not mine."

She laughed, commenting how it sounded just like him. She handed you the carefully packed products, with a small purple ribbon tied on the basket as she always did for you.

Just as you're about to leave she called out.

"If you're still disturb about the whole mysterious gifts, why don't you try staying up to see who it is?" You thanked her for her suggestion and concern and with a wave, headed back home.

To say the least, her suggestion was not very successful.

After you went home, you got started on the ordered draughts and by the time the moon greeted the sky, your eyes were already heavy. Being stubborn, you stayed sitting in your kitchen, chair facing the window to see if anyone or anything would past by.

The minutes were slow and before you knew it, the sun has reclaimed its place. And there was yet another gift. A freshly uprooted crab apple tree that barely passes as an adult. How in the world did they get this one?

Another week fast approached and the gifts arrived just as fast. Cornel bark, elecampane, silver fir, the list goes on. Each night, you attempt to desperately stay awake to catch but a glimpse would always end up with you succumbing to sleep. It didn't matter if it was for hours or a mere minute, by the moment your eyelids flutter open, it was already there. Perfectly centered as always, in an almost mocking way.

"You missed us again", you could hear the ridicule from it.

As days flutter, the gifts and your frustrations would only intensify. One time it was antlers from a dear Australia. The other day it was the tusk of a bore. Yesterday it was the blood of steed. The last one made you panic a bit, but thankfully in came only in a small vial. It eased your nerves, albeit slightly that the animal was minimally harmed.

You tried sleeping in the morning so that so that you could roam at night. But when you rise from your chair for a drink or to go the toilet, the sneaky bastard have already placed another gift. You went as far as sitting on your doorstep for the whole night, but even that didn't help. The gift was on your window.

You were at your wits end with this "Persistent Santa" shenanigans (it was your friend who called them that. It was that or creepy-pile-of-dung-that-had-to-much-time). Whoever they were, they are good.

You sighed tiredly again, the dark bags proving Your fruitless efforts.

"Wow, you look miserable!" You silently snapped at the voice, too sleepy to argue but to proud to ignore it. His laugh was laugh, always happy to see others demise.

"Just give me the money, Loki." You impatiently thrust the basket full of draughts to him, eager to leave and maybe sleep for a few days.

"Aren't you greedy." The more he teases you, the more punching him right in the face became an increasingly good option. As if reading your voice, he raised his hands in mock surrender.

" I would pay you, but," he dragged his voice as floated closer to you, "I dont have my money right now. And the old man is calling me so can you wait a few minutes for me?" He smiled, oh-so-mockingly sweet at you.

A tomato would have been jealous of the tint of your check. The itching call for violence is now an unignorable howler. But before you can give in, the god of mischief is already pushing you into one of the rooms, claiming your silence as agreement. In a blink, you were in a well decorated room. The walls were cream in color and golden leaves decorated the corners. Threre were shelves of book against one side of the wall and-

"Wait a minute." Snapping out of your trance, you shouted, voice filled with vile, "Loki!"

But sadly, it came too late and the door have already been shut and only his feint mocking voice telling "enjoy!" Was heard from the other side.

You could sighed, pity for your own predicament. Moving towards one of the shelves with a colorful string of curse words following, you might sa well entertain yourself with something. The books were more old, and probably cost more than your soul. Each one was placed neat and organized, neither a speck or spot of dust could be seen. But one particular book caught your eye.

With a gentle finger, you traced the gold imprints on its spine.

Herbs, Medicine and Witchcraft

Unlike everything else, this one book was placed different. It was pulled slightly forward, as if recently placed back but someone else other than the organizer. When you pull it out, you also noticed the small, almost miniscule dirt on its cover. But other than that, it was nothing special.

"I didn't think they'll have this kind of book."

You sat down and flipped on a random page. It was filled with information about different plants that can be used for both medicine and, surprisingly witchcraft. It included their typical use, characteristics, side effects and their locations. And it was very specific too.

"I wonder if I can borrow this."

Page upon page was flipped, despite the fascination dwelling in you, drowsiness became unbearable. It was just so quiet and peaceful here. Maybe a few minutes won't hurt, right?

"Loki will be there for a while anyway. Might as well." Your reasoning seemed to make sense with your tired eyes and you rest your head. Not even bothered by the fact that you used the book as your pillow.

It'll just be few minutes anyway.

It wasn't a few minutes.

Slowly, your eyelids fluttered as consciousness begin to come back. You sighed contently, that nap certainly helped with your mood. You buried your nose deeper into the soft cloth you leaned on and inhaled. It smelled like fresh lilacs and the sun.

Wait, cloth?

You lifted your head and saw, indeed there was a neatly folded cloth on the place of the book. It was pale apricot, almost faded white and now that you are looking properly, it was a short robe?

"I starting to think you were not going to wake up."

Do you know the sound of a startled walrus with a respiratory disease? Imagine that, but worse. That how you sounded as you whipped your head in surprise to the voice. Right beside you was the god of thunder himself, Thor. The difference in size between him and the chair he was resting on was almost comical. You would have laughed if it wasn't for the fact you want to live a longer.

"He-hello Thor-sama." Damnit, what did you stutter?

He casted his eyes sideways to acknowledge your greeting, glacing right back into reading afterwards.

Looking yourself, it was then you noticed the book he was reading was the one you were previously sleeping on.

"It didn't seem like you were using it," his voice was monotone as for usual, "aside as a pillow, that is."

Ahh, the sheer pleasure of being swallowed by the ground right now would be nice.

"Ah! That- I! Yes..." You simply stared at your lap instead, fist clenched tightly on top. Better to stay quiet that to embarrass yourself further.

Thor was in between being an acquaintance and  a work friend. Neither of you talked much, aside from greetings and small talk but was more than used to his presence with the number of times you had to deliver things to Loki, enough so that you don't have to tremble everytime you meet.

But sitting this close, in a close space, alone, this was definitely the first time.

And it'll be the last if you're not careful.

The silence was suffocating, for you at least. You have almost jumped in your sit when he flipped a page in the book.

A minute passed and you are so closed to jumping out of the window. The room was too quiet. Making small talk won't be bad at times like this right?

"It's a nice book."

Wow. If you could, you would have hit yourself in the back of your head. Great thinking, really.

He merely nodded and the silence dragged once again.

"There's a lot of useful information in it."

Stop, just stop. Please stop digging your own grave.

"That's why it's a shame to be drooled on."

"I do not drool!"

In the distant, the sound of funeral bells rang clear in your head. The life you lived was good. Your friend will remember what flower you wanted to be placed on your coffin, and she can have your house, maybe even your-

Before you could complete your will, you heard a smallest of chuckle from the other god.

Huh?

You stared at Thor and sure enough, there's the tiniest arch in his lips. His eyes remains on the pages but - shit - has he always been this pretty?

Between the brief greetings and quick glances, it was hard to appreciate his beauty. Though mostly blank, his face was clear and smooth. Not a single blemish as one might expect from a god who knew battlefield as his home. He was no Aphrodite nor comparable to Paris, but he himself held a beauty of his own. You couldn't quite decide on if it was the light from the window or it was simply him that was glowing?

His neck flexed in the smallest notion as he read. The muscles of his shoulders were relaxed against the table.

Heavens. Those muscles.

You blushed on your thoughts. You tear your eyes away from his physique, the wooden table suddenly very interesting.

"It is rare to see you without Mjolnir, Thor-sama."

"I don't bring him when I read."

"Him?" The question lingered on your head. Was Thor one of 'those' people?

"Do you read often?"

"No."

"Are you interested in herbal medicine?"

"No."

"Is that so?" Your answer was awkward just as the air around you. But to the very least, the tension have eased out knowing that he didn't  obliterate you so far.

"Um, Thor-sama?"

Curse you and your need to fill in the silence.

"May I ask why you are reading a book about witchcraft? You do not seem the type to be interested in it." Realizing what you said was potentially insulting, you quickly apologized, eyes wide as you tried to explain. "Not that you don't look like it! What I mean is, um, - that." You stumbled over your own words with nervousness but he simply kept his eyes in the book, barely even glancing at you.

"... give you." His voice made you stop with your gibberish. Catching only the tail-end of his words, you looked at him questioningly. Only then did you realize that it has almost been a minute since he flipped a page, almost as if your question startled him as well.

"Ma-may you repeat that?"

There was a short pause before his answer came.

"So that I know what to give you."

Furrowed brows and confused eyes marked your features.

"So that I know what to give you."

His words repeated in your head, like an stubborn echo inside a cavern.

"I know what to give you."

"Give you."

"Give."

Oh shit.

"You're the Persistent Santa?!" The chair you previously sat on collided with the floor with a loud "thud". Hands planted heavily against the table, you casted accusing eyes to him.

Before any other words were uttered, your senses made its way back to your head like a harsh slap of water. You just yelled at the strongest Norse god. You might as well have dug your own hole and painted your tombstone.

But all fear and confusion left you as you stare at the fore mentioned god. He was not glancing down anymore but instead his eyes found its place opposite of your direction. And if one would look close, really intently stared, the faintest of red could be seen blooming in his cheeks.

"He-he's blushing."

Thor is blushing.

"You shouldn't be shouting here." His voice did not have the same air of threat and authority it usually holds. If your ears were right, it almost sounded like he was embarrassed.

Silently picking up the fallen chair, you sat down with your eyes burning holes the robe infront of you. Which you have almost forgotten was there.

Thinking back to the times you interacted with him, one word would usually come to mind. Quiet. He would acknowledge your presence or sometimes even greet you during the times you bump into one another but has never to made a conversation. Compared to Loki, you have always figured that maybe he was just more refined.

It wasn't until you heard his tale from your friend that you have gathered a sort of fear towards him. You knew how gods are, how vile and wrathful they are. And a god of his caliber could wipe you with a single flicker of his finger.

You would now bow and act more politely to him. Going as far as trying to avoid any contact with him.

But now sitting a mere foot apart, you felt no threat. No danger. And only then did you realize that you have never really felt any danger to begin with. When he speaks, he did not have the murderous aura that they claim to choke anyone.  He had never given you any reason to fear him, it was only you who decided to believed other's opinion.

"I'm sorry."

As if a trigger, his head turned to you upon hearing your timid voice but you dare not look at his eyes.

"You don't-"

"Not just for yelling."

Where did you get the courage to cut him off? You do not know. But, still with the false bravery, you continued.

"I mean, I have been very rude to you for a long time,"

"You have never been mean to me and I only returned the gesture by fearing you without any basis of."

With every fiber of yours screaming otherwise, you turned to look at him in the eye.

"I'm really sorry."

The longer you look into those golden eyes the more the heat on your neck spreads to your cheeks.

Guess his hair isn't the only thing red now.

"It's nothing," surprisingly it was Thor who turned away first. This time though, you eyes remained on him with a small smile. Youu have been missing out on so many things. But now, you have the eternity to catch up. And you're sure as hell you will.

"Thor-sama."

"Just Thor."

You laughed a bit, a sound that you did not notice brought a smile on his own lips.

"Why did you give me those gift anyway."

He turned his head to the other direction, but your keen eyes could see his tainted red ears.

"Loki said gifts were a good way to get close to someone." You grinned.

"I should have known better than listen to him."

His words dragged a loud laugh from you. The thought of him asking Loki, of all people for an advice was something you thought you'll never hear. And the small pout in his voice upon the next statement both brought you giddiness and butterflies.

Your hands instinctively covered your mouth, but still the sounds slipped through. And if you would have opened your eyes that moment, you would have seen the adoration in Thor's as he watches you.

Yes, it was embarrassing to ask his cousin for advice and finding those herbs was a hard task. But if seeing you like this, with lips arch into the most beautiful smile he have seen filled with happiness he once thought he couldn't bring you, then he would do it a thousand more.

Bonus:

Outside the closed doors, Loki grinned at himself. Trying to get you two was a pain with how standoffish Thor was by this was the most entertainment he had for a long time.

"What the hell are you doing?" It was one of Odin's crow that screeched from beging, as they watch the god smiling, and by experience it never means well.

"Oh nothing," he sing-songed. He floated pass his uncle but never before saying,

"Hope you're ready for grandkids!"

"Huh?"

But they did not receive an answer, only a chorus of laughter from the god of mischief as he drift away.

If you don't know who's Circe is, she's a witch in the Greek mythology that turned sailors into pigs. Odysseus met her during his travel home from the Trojan war. She turned his men into pig too. And it's a book of Madeline Miller too! You should really read her books.

This was requested by @tenshi-san and I apologize that I might have strayed too far from your prompt. I really hope I did your husbando some justice. He was so hard to write because that only thing I can see him as is bored😂. But I hope you still like it!

#record of ragnarok #shuumatsu no valkyrie #Thor #Loki #SnV Thor #fanfiction #x reader #snv x reader

[mrwinterr]

Who Do You Love?

Pairing: David Budd x Female Reader

Summary: After some months that David’s been working for the Home Secretary, you notice he’s been acting differently. Not wanting to overanalyze the situation, the signs are just too hard to ignore, so when it’s time to confront him there’s only one real question to ask.

Warnings: Bodyguard (2018) TV series spoilers! Adult themes. Explicit language. Light smut. Infidelity/cheating. Mentions of war, PTSD, political assassination, death, pregnancy/miscarriage, paranoia, and attempted suicide. Sad vibes, probably. We’re not gonna have a good time.

Disclaimer: This piece goes hand-in-hand with All For You. It’s not required to read beforehand, but it would be nice. As far as the TV series, yeah, don’t even read these if you’re still planning to watch the show. If you don’t care, you may proceed.

Title Inspiration: “Who Do You Love?” by The Chainsmokers ft. 5 Seconds of Summer

A/N: I want a happy David, I really do, but I’m a heartless writer. I took a break from the smut, so it’s not a huge bulk of the fic this time. I hope y’all still like it! Happy New Year! 

Another night alone was not unusual for you as of late, having grown accustomed to it ever since David had taken up the job of protecting Home Secretary, Julia Montague. Neither you nor David could’ve foreseen his courageous efforts in neutralizing the terrorist attack on the train back home would thrust him into his new position, furthermore the extent of its outcome in his personal life.

It wasn’t a hidden secret that David resented most politicians, and you knew of Julia from the news and her political ambitions in pushing a bill to increase security surveillance. David’s job put a big emphasis on confidentiality, so for his superiors to throw him into a public political warzone was a bit suspicious to you. There was something that didn’t add up, and you couldn’t just outright ask David whose side he was on in all this.

After neglecting the mountain of dirty laundry, tonight was dedicated to the domestic chore. It was nothing out of the ordinary mixing your batch with David’s, but he had a habit of leaving things in his clothes pockets, so it was routine for you to check everyone. You’d moved onto one of the costly tailored button-ups he wore to work and feel something protruding from the shirt pocket. You dig your hand in and fish out a tube of lipstick. Strange. You didn’t use this brand of cosmetics, and even more so the garment smelt different.

Under normal circumstances, this type of discovery would raise a red flag, but you recall one of David’s first days on the job as her bodyguard, the intern had clumsily spilt Julia’s coffee all over her outfit just before she was about to do a live interview, and David had offered her the shirt off his back, essentially saving the day. The man was just too dedicated to his job sometimes, so you shrug it off, but this wouldn’t be the first time you would notice something out of place.

It really started after the first assassination attempt that was made on Julia’s life. With the rate she was going at, her political status had made her a prime target to those opposed to RIPA-18. It was very frightening, you figured that much for her, David had seen worse in war. You just about had a heart attack when you reunited with him that night, the blood still stained on his clothes and missed splotches on his skin.

The both of you clung onto each other all night, lost within the throes of passion. It might as well have been one of the most intense nights yet, even then you could tell something changed by his movements. You didn’t think much about it at first because there’s already so much wrong with him, you’ve yet to learn all his mood swings.

Then one day you’d gotten sick, and discovered it was because you were pregnant with David’s child. One of the few things that made you forget about all the aches and pains that David unintentionally caused, was remembering the beautiful smile on his face when you revealed the news to him. You knew how much happiness Ella and Charlie brought him, you could only imagine what that would feel like, your own family with David.

He was so overjoyed in the beginning. He had quickly phoned his mother, who’d visited and even stayed a few days with you when David’s new position became more demanding of him, claiming she was worried about you being alone. You didn’t deserve to experience this alone, but it was sure heading that way.

Lately, you’ve found yourself occupying the Budd household quite more than often when David’s mom went back home. With David being on duty almost 24/7, you were completely alone, so the little family welcomed you.

Legally, on paper, David was still married to Vicky. It was something you weren't going to verbally admit bothered you, but oddly enough it did. What with the mood you’ve been in as of late, it ate at a part of you. They were separated and the divorce papers were well on track until David’s “promotion” paused the process.

There’s still not a hostile fiber in you towards Vicky. She’d moved on well, been on several dates with someone else, and things were looking great for her. It was lowkey, not even David knew about it, not that he even stuck around or bothered to care. It had to come out eventually because it would affect Ella and Charlie’s lives.

You watch as Vicky rounds the table after placing a cup of tea in front of you then sitting in the seat across and asking how you’re holding up.

You contemplate for a split second if you should be honest or not, but who else could you confine to at the moment? No one else could possibly understand. Vicky herself may not even, but she knew David more than most people did, so surely, she could see where you’re coming from to some degree, right?

Letting out a big sigh, you answer her truthfully, “I’m...not well, Vicky,” your eyes drop down to the cup in front of you, finger tracing the rim, the hot cloud of smoke of the concoction almost burns your skin.  

“Oh, poor thing,” she says, extending her hand over to place it on top of your other one on the table, “it’s the pregnancy. It has to be. It’s taking a toll on you. I can tell.” You look up at her and almost want to cry. No one noticed it was more than symptoms of pregnancy. You were bottling up so much.  

“Let me tell you, while I love Ella and Charlie, pregnancy was not a breeze…” she started to ramble, but you quickly cut her off, exhausted of people telling you the same thing over and over, unintentionally, blaming the innocent baby.

“No. I don’t think it’s that. I don’t want to blame anything on the pregnancy,” you say straight up. You got yourself into this mess, you went headfirst knowing the baggage David came with and you knew full well that protection wasn’t at the forefront in the affairs. Ready or not, you both went in this together and brought a baby into the picture.

Vicky stares, confused, but still genuinely concerned, “then what else could be wrong?” When you didn't immediately respond, she knew it had to be one other thing, or person, and you just didn’t want to admit, well out loud, “David?”

You only nod; you knew you were going to have to face the music sooner or later. So, you start listing things you’ve observed that have caused you to grow suspicious over the course of the last few months. You just hoped you didn’t sound like a mad woman in front of her.

The one time your phone had died, and he let you use his to place a food delivery. You couldn’t unlock his phone, trying every possible combined set of numbers close to David, only to come to a conclusion that the access code had changed. Visibly distressed, he realizes you were attempting to unlock his work phone. You knew that was his though. What work phone?

You didn’t even know he had one of those, let alone why did it have the same crack on the screen in the exact same spot as his personal one? You feigned stupidity and blamed it on exhaustion. Deep down David knew you were suspecting something was up, and he ended up placing the order for dinner that night himself.

The other time you confronted David about coming home smelling heavily of another woman. Whatever, whoever, her perfume was strong, and it made you nauseous. The pregnancy didn’t even do you any favors on this one with your senses heightened and overly sensitive.

Of course, he smelled of another woman, the person he was assigned to protect. You could see all the holes in his alibi. He was lying, and it hurt most when he indirectly admitted your mood swings were irritating him and then flipped it all on you, saying you were overthinking the situation and getting all paranoid for no reason. Accused you of not trusting him, when truth was you had the utmost faith in him, but not when the evidence was piling up.

There’s a solemn look that washed over Vicky’s face. She had expected more tales of David’s PTSD, but none of what you spilled alluded to it. This time David couldn’t blame the effects of war on your suspicions. However, Vicky knew that this was you and David, and if there was a pair that could survive love’s tumultuous doings then it was you two.

“There’s a lot of coincidences, yes, but this is you and David,” she says, grasping your hand for support because she could see the moisture in your eyes building up, “is it silly of me to admit I was always jealous of you,” she confesses, trying to steer the conversation a different route.

She didn’t want you to think she was brushing off your worries, but to remind you that everything you and David had been through to get to this point to be together, whatever you both were dealing now wasn’t anything you two couldn’t overcome. There were high hopes for you and David in Vicky’s mind.  

A small smile cracks your face, and you bring your vacant hand up to dab at the inner corner of your eyes, just before the tears start to race down, “jealous? Of what?” It was almost shocking to think you had something she was jealous of.  

“Every time you visited us,” she starts, “I could tell David held so much admiration for you,” and you know she’s not trying to hurt your feelings, but it’s taking a bit to figure out where she’s going with this.

“That’s silly,” you scoff lightly, “you both got married and had two kids, surely there was no doubt,” then bring the cup up to your lips for a small sip.  

“But there was and look where we ended up?” she says. Your lips cave in to form a tight line in response, and carefully place the cup back down on the dish, before she follows up, “you two are finally together.”

“Vicky,” you pipe up, not knowing where to begin. It was never your intention to steal David’s heart away from another.

“I’m not saying any of this because I’m mad at you. No. I’ve never truly hated you. You’re a good person and you’re finally getting your happily ever after. Don’t ever stop fighting for it,” she comes out wholeheartedly, and this time you make no attempt to keep the tears at bay. It stung to hold them back anyways.

Vicky gets up from her seat, walking the short steps to yours, to wrap her arounds around you. You immediately cling onto her arms and just cry, finally letting everything out.

“Seriously, don’t think of the worst,” she starts advising, while rubbing your back, “David will always come back to you,” she pulls you away from her before reminding you, “you knew going into this wasn’t going to be easy.”  

You feel so pathetic. What she said was completely true, you just didn’t think it’d be this bad. There’s no doubt you love David and want to be with him through the good, the bad, and the ugly, so you nod and try to keep your chin up. It wasn’t to appease her, you were going to get back up, because if not for David, then for the baby.

Suddenly, the front door busts open and Ella and Charlie are bustling into the kitchen, where you and Vicky were. Quickly wiping away the tears, you both noted that school had just let out.

They were ecstatic to see you, especially Charlie as he had currently been experiencing issues of his own adjusting to school. They lifted your spirits greatly; they were more fascinated by the baby growing in you and couldn’t wait to meet him or her. You absolutely adored them. They looked like David and the whole time they were talking your ear off; you wonder to yourself if your own kid will look more like you or David. 

David’s thrusts were deep and good; you made no attempt to hold it in, letting him know exactly how he was making you feel. Nails digging into his firm buttocks, pulling him closer to you, wanting him to just keep going and going; the chase proving to be almost just as good as the climax. You feel one of his hands run up your side and his large hand starts groping your breast, adding onto the pleasure he was plaguing your body with, while the other held onto the small of you back, bringing your hips up to his.

His face was buried in the crook of your neck, you could feel his hot breath fanning against your skin and hear his murmured swears and praises. The air in the room was thick, and for the majority of the intimate activity, the only sounds that travelled around the apartment consisted of heavy breathing, moans, gasps, whines and skin slapping, until the annoying distinct ringtone started screeching from a few feet away.

You’d learned to distinguish his work alarm since the supposed mix-up, and it pinged constantly, agitating you. David’s pace notably falters, and the rhythm you’d both built started dwindling, the needy side of you started to panic because he was going to stop and you desperately wanted to come, even more so come with him, but it looked like neither of you would be as you feel one of David’s hands leave your body and make an attempt to reach out to the device.

You grab a hold of his wandering hand and lace your fingers together, hoping to keep him close and forget about the alert. You buck your hips forward, urging him to continue. His grip tightens and cock twitches inside of you in response. Your strategy almost deems successful when he picks up momentum, each swivel of his cock gradually bringing out the starved woman in you. Not to mention, your sex drive had heightened too, you’d longed and craved any affection he could give you.

“David, baby…” you whine, holding a hand to his face, forcing him to keep his gaze on you and only you, the ringtone almost drowning out, “...don’t. Don’t. Fucking. Stop...please,” you resort to begging and hook a leg over his body, the new angle allowing him to thrust deeper.

And just when you’re about to tip over the edge, the incessant ringing persists, and David’s halt unintentionally pulls you back down. He unwinds your sweaty clasped hands, no doubt in search of the phone once more, however, you had more leverage than he did, and your hand beats his hand to it. He wasn’t that far behind as his hand covers yours, and he tries to grab the phone to answer the call, but instead you swat it off the nightstand.  

“What the fuck?” David says aggravatedly, while attempting to reach his phone on the ground, all while he’s still inside of you, pressing your body deeper into the mattress, but careful to not crush you.

“No, fuck you, David,” you spit back, and shove his body off of yours. You scoot over to one side of the bed and try to level your breathing. You were both so close!

“What is wrong with you?” He asks, forgetting the phone on the ground.

“Do you really have to answer that?” You ask, attitude on full display.

“It could be an emergency at work,” he tries reasoning.

“You’re not on the clock, David!” You dispute, sitting up, clutching the sheets to your body to conceal yourself.

“That’s not the point! It could’ve been serious. Julia could be hurt,” he says, the words just coming out of his mouth, giving each excuse little thought. His mind was in a frenzy and you didn’t miss a single syllable.  

“You called her Julia,” you say just above a whisper, and suddenly you have an urge to vomit, but you do your best to control it.

“What?” he asks, not understanding what that meant at all to you.

It hurt more that he didn’t realize there was anything wrong and if he did, he was doing a good job at hiding something and making you look like the bad guy. You lightly shake your head, feeling defeated, and lie back down, settling on your side facing the opposite direction of him.

What was going on in David’s head? You tried so hard to understand him. It was like walking on eggshells, and even you had a breaking point. It was just sometimes too much because it felt like you were the only one putting in the effort to keep this relationship afloat.

The bed shifts significantly, letting you know that he’s gotten out of it. What felt like an hour, but were only a few seconds, the room was silent, tension still heavy in the room, and neither of you were willing to be the first to crack. You lie still, unmoving and making no attempt to stop him. It’s only when you hear the swing of the bedroom door creak, you allow yourself to blink the tears in your eyes away.

He didn’t leave the apartment that much you could rest assured of. Rest? That was what you were having trouble with. Things weren’t getting any easier with David and you even though you vowed to yourself that you’d go through Hell for him, the pressure was getting too heavy on your heart and in return, you knew the distress wouldn’t be good for the baby.

Maybe it was all just paranoia, the stress of pregnancy, and you were taking things too personal. You could be understanding about a lot of things in David’s life, his terms and PTSD, his kids, and his job, but was it too much to ask of him to be understanding of you? You suppose you were being selfish, and you were really tired. The only way to help you sleep was to swallow your pride and admit you were wrong.

The rush of the cold air instantly surrounds your bare legs the second you throw the covers off your body to get out of the bed. You throw on the discarded oversized shirt to be decent. Your steps are light, and you’re kind of nervous and, dare you admit, ashamed of how you overreacted that it drove David to the point of sleeping on the couch. After all, you made him feel unwanted in his own bed, and he certainly had enough respect to not steal yours.

Just when you’re ready to apologize and ask him to go back to bed with you, he’s already sound asleep, his legs sticking out from the mere blanket covering his upper body. You didn’t have the heart to wake him up for that. Sleep didn’t find him easy and he seemed just as stressed as you were, so you don’t disturb him. It can wait, right? You turn around and head to your room, shut the door and pray sleep finds you soon.  

It didn’t and neither did the conversation. 

News of the blast at St. Matthews College, where Julia was presenting a speech, rocked not only the political world, but it was the forefront of every news channel and medium. Tons left injured or dead, and as if that wasn’t bad, David was being told Julia had not survived the bombing.

He’s clearly distraught, believing he’s failed her, and on top of that, the weight of his lies started to suffocate him. He was going to have to come clean to you about everything he’s done behind closed doors with Julia. You wouldn’t forgive him, he was sure of that, and if by some chance you did, it would take a hell of a long time for him to regain your trust.

How many more lives does he have to ruin or lose under his watch? It was becoming too much, and it was sad, as he stared at the gun in his hands, that he’d contemplated his next actions more than once, but he really didn’t know what he had left to do anymore. There was a lot actually, he had his kids, a baby on the way, and a new life to build with you, but he was far too gone at that moment.

It’s Vicky that finds him back at the apartment, cleaning the brass fragments from the wound on the side of his head. She quickly puts the pieces together, the notes on the table addressed separately to her, the children and you, and the admission from David that these were brass fragments of a bullet casing.

“Dave, what the fuck? What about Ella and Charlie? What about-” she starts going on but stops when he visibly cracks because he knows your name is next to come out of her mouth, “I’m taking you to the hospital,” she decides and is quick to put away her tools.

“No. No one can know about this,” David says adamantly. They start to argue about his injuries and how David hadn’t been aware that he fired a blank round before he asks her to go back home to the kids.

“I’m not leaving you like this,” she says grabbing a jacket and tries to reason that he shouldn’t be alone right now and maybe being around the kids and seeing you will open his eyes and realize what he was leaving behind had he successfully ended his life.

He couldn’t pretend living like he was okay. What had happened to Julia was not his fault. All David ever did was do his best to protect, protect his country, his family and her.

“You need to tell her,” Vicky says while she hands David a cap for him to cover the wound on his head.

“I don’t even know where she’s been the last few days,” he admits pathetically. His own girlfriend, the mother of his unborn child, he can’t even keep tabs on where she’s been this whole time. It made him feel even terrible that he’d neglected you.

“She’s been staying with the kids and I,” she reveals.

“What? Why is she there?” He asks, and quickly puts the cap on and gets up from his seat.

She didn’t tell David of your whereabouts earlier because you’d asked her not to and she politely respected that, but she knew now was not the time to take sides anymore. You two had to deal with your issues now.

“She shouldn’t be alone, Dave. She’s pregnant with your child and yet she’s going through it all by herself,” Vicky tells him.

“I never meant to bring her into any of this mess,” he says heavily, full of grief. He brought you into the madness that was his world and now you’re trapped in it, bringing a new life along for the ride.

“She loves you, David, don’t sell yourself short. She just feels like she’s been left in the dark. You need to talk to her,” Vicky advises him, “it may not be pretty, but you have to hear her out.”

She knew you couldn’t stand being alone in the apartment without being reminded of David constantly. You weren’t in a good place either and she wanted to help you both before it was too late. 

You’d been left behind at the house with Ella and Charlie in the other room watching TV, while Vicky was out looking for David. He wasn’t answering any of the phone calls she’s made, even ones made on your cell phone, there was no form of contact or communication from him. You knew he was there at the college; he was Julia’s bodyguard after all.

When you heard more than two voices return, you knew she’d brought David back and had told him you’d be here. You weren’t mad at her for ratting you out, it was going to come out eventually. Nothing ever stays hidden.

“You don’t normally wear a hat indoors,” Ella points out the cap on David’s head that stuck out like a sore thumb.

“You said it’s silly,” Charlie reminds his father.

“Then I’m being silly,” David responds as he watches his children chomp away at the slices of pizza in their hands.

While Vicky was on the phone cancelling her date tonight, you faintly hear the end of the conversation he was having with Ella and Charlie over their dinner. He still hadn’t even seen you. Then you hear his quiet, controlled sobs, but he couldn’t detain them enough and be strong around his kids.

“I just did something silly today,” he tells them.

“Wearing a hat?” Charlie asks innocently.

“That, too,” he replies as he clings onto them both in a group hug.

Vicky had just revealed to you of David’s suicide attempt moments ago. You’re numb. Clearly, Julia’s death had affected him rather deeply, so much that he thought killing himself was a solution.

He didn’t care about you or the baby. You both weren’t enough to save him or have anything to look forward to. You can’t even cry anymore. You wanted to lash out and get mad. She advises you to keep calm and think rationally, but you’re tired of thinking about all of this.  

Without warning, David enters the room you’d been staying in. You’re like stone on the couch, arms crossed and starting straight ahead of you, mindlessly at whatever TV program the kids left it on before retreating to the dining area. Your eyes cast themselves on David’s demure stance. He cautiously steps forward and hesitantly takes a seat next to you.

“Is it true?” You ask, breaking the silence and finally turn to look at him. He only nods in response, his head hangs low, ashamed. You felt like your heart didn’t have any parts to break anymore. The confirmation alone just felt like him stomping on it for added measure.

“Ok,” is all you say, biting down on your lip to prevent you from saying anything else. It was petty, but you’d refused to show him any remorse or sorrow of any kind.

“Is this where you’ve been the past few nights?” He questions, rather awkwardly too.

“Oh, so you’ve noticed I haven’t been home?” You ask bitterly.

He was really going to push your buttons. You’re not sure if Vicky was right about you and David having to talk. This wasn’t going to go well at all. You were not in an ideal mental and physical state to be talking about your problems with him, but if not now then when?

“Of course, I have. Why wouldn’t I?” He asks, almost appalled by the accusation, and watching as you get up from the couch to stand in front of him.  

“I hardly see you and when I do I find out that you just tried to kill yourself, so forgive me for not assuming I even ran as a mere thought in your messed-up head,” it was harsh, poking at his mental state, but you were so fed up, your mind was just as clouded, “...you didn’t think about me when you held the gun to your head,” you said ripping off his hat.

Your heart tightens in your chest as you stare at the wound and tears threaten to fall, but you don’t let them, “...and you certainly didn’t think about our baby when you pulled the trigger,” then chuck the cap at him, he makes no attempt to catch it as it lightly bounces off his chest and fall onto his lap.

“I’m so sorry,” he says sincerely and making no attempt to hide his tears as they raced down, “I’m so fucking stupid,” and he gets up on his feet, ”...I need help.”

He’s not even going to use the excuse of work and you’re not expecting him to rat himself out and come clean about Julia just yet. David didn’t work like that and you were absolutely done with it. No, everything had to come out now.

“I know,” is all you say at first. He thinks it’s some form of forgiveness, him acknowledging his problem, until you follow up, “just admit it,” your voice changes in tone from anger and hurt to an icy one, “who do you love now, David?”

All while asking him that question, you’re trying to get his eyes to focus on you, but you simply cannot. He’s looking everywhere but, and it hurts.

“It’s Julia, isn’t it? Tell me!” You shout at his face. When he doesn’t answer immediately, your lips press down together and you don’t hold back the tears any longer, “I can’t believe you,” you say in disbelief, almost struggle to breathe right, “this shit has been keeping me up at night!”

You back away from him and cover your mouth, just to conceal your sobs so the rest of the family doesn’t hear you cry. They most definitely heard you yell, but you didn’t want to further trouble them anymore or cause a big enough scene for them to burst right through.

There hadn’t been a doubt in your mind that David loved you before, but just seeing how he couldn’t open up enough to tell you there was someone else during, filled you with more heartache. Maybe it would hurt less, you wouldn’t know unless it came straight from his mouth.

David starts crying as well and you honestly want to slap him, but instead you start saying nasty things, cutting him way worse than anything you could ever do physically, and you certainly don’t hold back. Claiming you two were never meant to be together, and the baby doesn’t mean anything especially in uniting you both.

“I’ll be surprised if this baby even survives,” you scoff thinking about a past experience, and how cruel life was gifting you this baby.

“What are you talking about? You’re not thinking about-“ David starts getting all frantic suddenly, and not thinking, he grabs both your arms in his hands, holding you in place.

“God no! I would never!” You say in disgust and pull away from him, “I can’t believe you’d think I would…”

“Then what did you mean?” He asks curiously.

“I never told you why I broke up with him,” you don’t really mention your ex’s name these days. While you’d both moved on as civil as the both of you could, it still pangs you to reminisce about the relationship and how it ended.

“He couldn’t handle the long distance,” he said thinking he knew.

“He only couldn’t after...” you pause, trying to decide if now was the time to reveal this secret. David had the right to know, after all, an incident like such could happen again.  

“After what? He was seeing someone else?” He grew increasingly anxious and almost ill towards the thought of another being unfaithful to you.

“No! It was my fault,” you don’t want to slander your ex at all. He couldn’t have prevented what happened to you across the other side of the world even if he tried. “I miscarried. I don’t know what I did wrong, but I woke up one day in my blood and the sharpest pain I’ve ever felt.”

You started reliving that day, how you were alone and the way your neighbors had to come to your aid. Your poor ex felt so helpless, he wanted nothing more than to drop everything for you, but the wave of depression afterwards had strained the relationship. It formally ended when you’d returned from studying abroad.

“I didn’t even know you were pregnant,” David says in shock. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling, and if it was stupid to think all this time you could’ve easily had a life without him long before you two finally became a thing.

“It didn’t matter, David,” your voice finally regained strength, and wiped at the tears on your face of the memory, ”you and Vicky were so in love. There’s nothing you could’ve done for me.”

“That’s not true,” David persists.

“I would’ve turned you away, just like him,” you say so sure. David was your friend then, yes, but you didn’t need or owed him this before now.  

“You’re not going to lose this baby,” he promises.

“You don’t know that,” and you’re not trying to be a pessimist about this, you wanted this baby, but you were more than aware of the possibility it could happen again. Bad things just always seemed to be happening lately anyways.

“I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I’d protect you both with my last breath,” he vows, grabbing your hands, desperate to feel any part of you.

“I don’t need your protection, David,” your words continue to crush him, that was your subtle way of leaving him and he knew it, “I love you, David. I love you so much!” you say with plenty of emotion, and lightly squeeze his hands in yours, “...but you can’t even tell me who you love right now,” you point out, reluctantly removing your hands from his.

“You need to get help, David. If not for your family, me or the baby, please do it for yourself,” you say last, before placing a small kiss on his cheek.

“I’m going to get help...for you,” you hear David say determinedly just before you walk out of the room. It wasn’t all you wanted to hear, you wanted him to tell you he loved you back, but you wanted him to live easy once again even if that meant him not loving you.

You could manage on your own, and work something out when the baby arrives, but for now it was time for you to go home.

A/N: Nope. Sorry! Whenever Season 2 decides to come out, maybe we’ll get a happier David, so for now I don’t think I can let these two ride off into the sunset…but I can if you send 2020 off with giving this a like, reblog, comment or all of the above!

#mrwinterr writes #david budd imagine #david budd x reader #david budd smut #david budd x y/n #david budd x female reader #richard madden imagine #richard madden smut #bodyguard imagine

[mascwhump]

Trenches, Epilogue

From Charlie’s POV (because that’s my thing now, apparently)

Tag list: @whatwasmyprevioususername @milk-carton-whump @whumpasaurus101 @whatwhumpcomments @latenightcupsofcoffee @ashintheairlikesnow @tears-and-lilies @utopian819

CW: none

-

The airport, to put it lightly, was not my favorite place to be. Especially alone. I'd somehow always convinced myself that I was at the wrong gate. Or that I might've accidentally packed a bomb. It was the epitome of "I need an adult".

I was flying back to the states for the first time in almost three years. I had to go sort some legal shit out before I could obtain my UK citizenship. My flight was delayed by two hours because of some crazy storm in New York. I checked to make sure I was at the right gate about seven billion times, despite the delay. Basil was blowing up my phone with TikToks, and I honestly couldn't complain. Some entertainment was much needed. He had managed to keep me occupied until my flight began boarding.

It was my first time flying First Class. I quickly decided that it would not be my last. The pilot had the usual spiel, and we were soon taxiing to the runway. Taking off was my least favorite part of the whole flying experience. I mindlessly fidgeted with my wedding band to cope with the anxiety. Once we were safely off the ground, I was fine. The ability to sleep without my face pressed into the wall of the plane was a godsend. I slept for most of the flight. I'll be damned if it wasn't the best rest I'd ever gotten.

We landed in New York. After customs, I had about twenty minutes to catch my connecting flight. I changed my mind. This was the worst part of flying. I checked the gate forty times. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten to select First Class for this flight. There was, at least, a seat in between me and an old woman. She started talking to me before boarding had even finished.

Holy shit, please don't talk to me the entire flight. Please.

Carol, as she introduced herself, noticed my nervous tic with my ring and decided to make small talk about it.

"Are you married?"

No. I wear this for fun.

"Yeah, I am."

"Do you have kids?"

Why are you asking me this.

"Nope."

"Do you want kids?"

WHY DO YOU CARE.

"Maybe."

"What about your wife?"

Oh god.

"Husband, actually. I haven't asked him."

"Oh, my granddaughter is gay. I love the gays."

For once, I wished someone was homophobic. I mumbled something along the lines of "that's nice", and she stopped talking for a bit. Maybe she was catching on that I wasn't feeling very chatty.

"What's your husband's name?"

Oh my god kill me now.

The pilot began speaking, and I considered him my lord and savior in that moment. Even though you'd could hardly understand him, I acted like I was paying very close attention. Finally, we were headed for take off, and that meant I could soon take out my phone. More importantly, my headphones. They would be the only thing that would get me through the next three hours. Halfway through the flight, I glanced over, and I noticed Carol looking through the SkyMall magazine. I began to feel bad. She was obviously bored.

"Have you every bought anything from one of those?" I asked.

"No, I haven't. Are you going to Seattle, too?"

What? Are we not on the same flight?

"Yeah."

"Do you live there?"

"No, I live in England now, actually. I lived in Seattle for a long time growing up, though."

"Is your husband British?"

"Yeah."

It was back and forth like that for the rest of the flight. When she asked about how we met, I simply said “work”. We exchanged goodbyes at the baggage claim. I made a mental note to make sure I upgraded to first class for the returning flight. Thankfully, my Uber driver didn't talk at all, so I gave him a $40 tip. It was strange feeling, entering my childhood home again. My mom had left it to me in the will. I couldn't part with it, even if I wasn't living there anymore.

I finally settled in for the night after texting everyone that I had made it safely. Basil was the only one to reply. He responded with a paper clip emoji, whatever the hell that meant.

#easton’s unnamed story #oc #whump epilogue #I feel like this will raise more questions than answers #fight me #I dare you #i don’t remember if this was proofread oops lol

[up-sideand-down]

6 & 7 + GenGeal?

Ignore my inability to read last I requested bc I didn't realize I was supposed to send two of the prompts, whoopsie

Rules: Send me two (2) tropes from this list + a ship and I’ll describe how I’d combine them in the same story.

6. Bookshop AU

7. Florist AU

No problem with that. I misread stuff all the time.

Angeal and Genesis were childhood friends. Emphasis on were. They did everything together for years. Then it changed. It was a combination of multiple things. Genesis's parents didn't really approve of Genesis being best friends with their gardener's son. They started pushing the two apart. Then Angeal's father died very suddenly...and it changed Angeal. Genesis didn't like it. He wanted things to go back to the way they were. Later he'd realize he was an ass and had no idea what death or grief really meant. Angeal broke off the friendship, telling Genesis he was mean now and he didn't want to see him anymore. Genesis was infuriated by that and swore he'd never forgive Angeal. He lied about that. When he heard Angeal and his mother were moving he ran over before they left and told Angeal he was sorry and please not to go. Angeal smiled and said he forgave him, but he was leaving because he was going to school somewhere else. They hugged goodbye, but Genesis still felt betrayed for some reason.

Genesis spent a lot of his teenage and young adult life being a "disappointment" to his parents. He didn't like business, had no interest in being a doctor, and hated the idea of practicing law. Those were his three options. Instead he lost himself in his school library and began to believe in the power of books more than money. Books told truths and lies, stories and histories and each had a power for a different person. He loved them, he wanted to share that. His parents completely cut him off when he said he was opening a bookshop. He didn't care. He lived above it for three hard years, barely making ends meet, but he had the books and he felt happy for the first time since he lost his friend. But through enough hard work, his shop starts to have some success. He gets very proud of his shop, especially when he expands. Then again when he adds several tiny libraries to the front.

Genesis was eyeing the lot down the road when it was suddenly snatched up. He was only a little bitter about that. At least it wasn't a rival bookshop. He grumbled when he saw a good half get dug up and some plants starting to come in next to the building. It was a some sort of greenhouse. He'd have to close a lot of his windows now or he'd get infested with bugs. He feels like a snoop watching the building and garden go up. Once the sign is there Genesis has a pretty good idea who his neighbor is: It's a flower shop, they grow and sell their own flowers. Not really competition. Genesis even thinks maybe they're get more people on the street for his books. But he pretends he's not happy about it.

He gets more pissy when a help wanted sign goes up about the same time as he's putting his up. He just now is getting enough to get some help and now the flowers are getting more takers than him. Luckily, Genesis does get his help with a young Tifa Lockhart, wanting out of the bartending business. She's tough and strong and is just great with customers. The flower shop gets some girl to really tend the garden. Genesis still doesn't know who is the real owner, at least not until he gets bumped into restocking one of the libraries out front. He's carrying some boxes when he nudges into Genesis on accident. He apologises and Genesis sees...someone really familiar. "Angeal...Hewley?" he says, not believing his eyes. Angeal smiles and nods, but doesn't seem to recognize Genesis in turn and keeps going. Genesis is super pissed about that.

Genesis ire doesn't really fade when Angeal steals his tiny library idea and put out little baskets of his flowers for people walking by to just take. Genesis sends Tifa out to take some. She does a great job making a pretty floral arrangement on the libraries. Unfortunately, Tifa keeps running into Angeal's helper...and the two hit it off almost immediately. How is Genesis supposed to keep this petty war alive if Angeal and Aerith are so goddamn nice? He really admits Aerith is nice, she brings a bunch of flower books for the libraries and it really adds a nice touch. Angeal keeps giving Genesis friendly waves, though never really greets him. That just steams Genesis. How dare Angeal forget him and then just pretend it's not a big deal.

Genesis goes out to refresh the flower displays for the tiny libraries...when he notices a new book is there. Some passages are marked. He looks up at his flowers...then at the book, then back at the flowers. His temper flares up. He stomps over to the flower shop and bursts in interrupting Angeal and Aerith. "If you wanted to tell me something you didn't have to use your dumb secret flower language." Angeal smiles, "well I wanted to get your attention properly Genesis." "I KNEW YOU REMEMBERED ME YOU LIAR," Genesis explodes. Angeal laughs. He and Genesis hug, one to make up for almost ten years apart. Angeal is so proud of Gen's bookshop, it's exactly what he hoped Genesis would be up to. Genesis demands he come over often enough to make up for this god-awful prank. But he seems happy when Angeal agrees.

#au #angeal hewley #genesis rhapsodos #banorashipping

[demivampirew]

Amelie

Protective-Dad Henry one shot.

Summary: Henry and you had a daughter when you were twenty years old. Now, Amelie is a teenager and has to tell his dad that she’s dating a boy.

Triggers: Talking about sex; young pregnancy (and the struggle of being young parents) - I think those are all the triggers 😁

You can find more of my writings in the Masterlist

Tag list: @lunedelorient @henrythickcavill @wolvesandhoundshowltogether @mary-ann84 @desperate-and-broken @peakygroupie @summersong69 @ivvitm1109 @madbaddic7ed @iloveyouyen @the-soot-sprite @hell1129-blog @whyyoudothistomecavill @thetaoofzoe​ @thereisa8ella​​

- Please, don't make me do this, mom! - Amelie pleaded.

- You want to be treated like an adult, then act like one.- you said with a steady voice.

She looked at you angrily but begging for mercy at the same time but then finally obeyed your order and went into his father's computer room to share the news. As she started to find a way to tell her dad about her new boyfriend, you laid against the door frame to witness the conversation.

- Dad, I ... I... -the teenager began, trying to find the words that seemed to vanished from her head out of fear.

She and her dad were closed and she was the apple of his eyes. From the moment she was born, he went above and beyond to make sure she would have everything she could ever need and want. You two were a great team, making sure she was happy but did not spoil her too much and made her work hard on domestic tasks for her to pay for any unnecessary item she wanted to help her learn about the importance of valuing work.

Having a kid when you were only twenty was a challenge that you hope she would never have to face herself. In your case, you were lucky: you were dating the most wonderful man who saw that pregnancy as a miracle despite the difficulties it may bring with it. He was next to you every second he could and even on those times he had to be in LA as he tried hard to make it in Hollywood -many times he tried to quit and join the Royal Marines so he could support you and the baby, but every time you would encourage him to keep fighting for his dream-job since you were lucky to have a well-paid job as a secretary for your cousin who was a Doctor and thankfully counted with the help of yours and his mom to look after the baby girl while you worked. But, even if you were living apart for months, he would be there one way or another.

The last few years he had been busier travelling around the world, but he remained the same loving father and husband that he had always been.

For someone who would have done anything for his little angel, like renouncing his dream career or even risk his life on the Marines so he could give his family a decent life, it would be hard to digest the fact that she had a boyfriend. He may not be one of those authoritative dads, a controlling father figure, but he was overprotective. He would not shame his daughter for wanting a relationship, but he didn't trust guys. He lived his life in fear of that day in which his princess would found a guy: what if he hurt her when he wasn't around to protect her? What if he wanted her just for sex and broke her heart? Those were some of the worries he has had since she turned fourteen, he knew that this day was likely to happen.

- What's going on, Mel? - he asked worriedly as he stood up from his pc-chair and approached her to cup her face on his hands, inspecting her face to make sure she was ok.

-I... - Amelie took a deep breath and spilt out the words- I have a boyfriend.- she said and closed her eyes of fear - no because she feared he would get violent or anything like that; she didn't want to see the disappointment and pain on his face.

- That can't be possible! No, no, no... you're a little girl! - he exclaimed, frustrated.

- I'm not! I'm fifteen, dad!- she argued.

- Exactly! Fifteen! A baby! - he confirmed.

- I'm only five years younger than you two when you had me.- she replied angrily.

- Darling, I love you, but being a parent at that age wasn't exactly a walk in the park. We struggle a lot to make it work. Do you want to be in our shoes? - he questioned.

- OMG, Dad, stop it!- Mel shouted embarrassed.

- You're the same age that the girl from Taylor Swift's song Fifteen and you know what happened to that girl? She had a boyfriend and he only wanted to have sex with her.- he explained.

At that moment, you chuckled at the fact that he knew so well a Taylor Swift song - probably he got into her music to bond with his daughter who was a big fan of her music. They both looked at you as if they just noticed you there.

- See? I told you I shouldn't have told him!- the teenager reproached you.

- Did you know about this?! - Henry asked you surprised and disappointed. - Anyway, you're not allowed to keep seeing this boy.-he ordered.

- Go to your room.- you asked gently to the girl who was both angry and sad. She was about to cry, you knew it.

After Amelie stormed out of the room, you approached your husband who was now sitting on the chair, lost in his thoughts. You went from behind and leaned to hug him. He placed his hands over yours but didn't speak as he was still caught on the argument he just had with his little princess.

- Why did she have to grow up so fast? - he wondered sadly.

- I know.- you replied softly close to his ear.- You need to talk to her...you need to stop preventing her from seeing this boy or any other person she might want to date in the future.

He turned around to face you. Your eyes on his and vice-versa. His arms embraced you when you sit on his lap to be closer to him to talk more comfortably.

- Look, I know that you think you're doing the best for her and all you want to do it's protect her, but you're doing the opposite by prohibiting her from having a relationship.- you began to explain as you played with the few curls on his hair.- She's not a kid any more...she might be your little angel and she will continue to be so until your dying day. She'll never cease to be your precious Melie, no matter her age. But now, this is an important time in the life of a woman or any person: she's starting to have feelings, desires, dreams, etc and we need to encourage her to pursue them in a safe environment. If you act the way you just did, that won't stop her from dating, but she'll avoid telling you and you risk losing that close bond you work so hard to have. Besides, if she doesn't trust you to tell you she's dating someone because she knows you'll get mad at her, she probably won't share if something bad happens to her, if she's been hurt in any way, because she might believe you blamed that on her and how do you expect to protect your daughter if she doesn't allow you to know about her intimacy.

- But, that's exactly why I don't want her to date! She's young and boys are creeps and only think of sex. What if someone uses her for that o worse, forced himself on her? - he questioned worriedly. He was almost in tears by the thought of somebody hurting his little girl.

- Give her the benefit of doubt. I was around her age when I had my first boyfriend and yes, he was one of those who only wanted me for sex, but I was smart enough to realize that and I left him before anything happened. A lot of my friends and school-mates went through that, some were smart as I was, other not so much but learned an important lesson and few lucky ladies truly found amazing guys who were in love with them. I found you no long after that and you didn't want me only for that, did you?- you asked even though you already knew the answer.

- Of course not, you were everything to me.- he confirmed.

- Don't you think Amelie is special enough for her to find somebody like you?

- I guess.-he replied sighing, defeated.

- Don't lose the bond you have with her. Let her know that no matter what her dad will always be there for her. That she doesn't have to hide anything from you, that eventually, you will be ok with it and that you only want her to be safe.- you advised him. He nodded and then pressed his forehead against yours as he placed one of his hands on your face.

- You two are my entire world.- he said softly.

- I know, baby. And you are mine too.- you replied with a smile.

Henry kissed you and then he went to talk to his daughter while you headed to the living room to replied some work-mails from on your laptop. Later, your daughter came into the room and hugged you.

-Thanks, mom, you're the best!- she thanked you.

- You're welcome, sweetie.- you answered- You have to understand your dad... he's done the impossible to protect you and now he's scared for you because the world is dangerous for us, women, and he was a teen too; he grew up with other boys of that age who weren't as nice and he fears you might found someone that doesn't have the best intentions with you. He wants you to be safe, that's all.- you informed her and she nodded.

On Sunday, you organized for Tyler, your daughter's boyfriend, to come to have lunch with the family so you could meet him officially.

The boy was polite and well-educated. He had impeccable modals for a fifteen-year-old and seemed smart too.

He seemed to be intimidated by your husband, who purposely acted menacing -which made you rolled your eyes and chuckled.

You had to give credits when it's due: the boy not only survived the day with his girlfriend's dad but he actually managed to get him to like him - all things considered. He was a gamer and into comic books and fantasy books, he found something to bond with your husband

#henry cavill #henry cavill x reader #henry cavill fanfic #henry cavill fanfiction #henry cavill one shot #demivampirew

[outerbankslut]

Sorry... Pope Heyward

Summary • After a fight between the Kooks and the Pogues you go to your friends to apologise but Pope’s not having it.

Warnings • Swearing? Maybe but I can’t remember and I cba to go back through. Mentions of violence (in the fight). If there’s anything else let me know :) JJ smoking as usual.

Word Count • 1.7k (Imagine)

Masterlist

(GIF isn’t mine, let me know if it’s yours)

    THE NOISES OF the cars engine knocked you out of your daze as you drove down the paved, sweltering streets of outer banks. The houses you passed a second ago were filled with perfectly trimmed bushes, the building decked in marble and stone with backyards for miles and a pool to finish it off. Whereas the houses you passed now were smaller and wooden, looking fragile almost. Lots of the yards were messier and lazier but they didn't have personal gardeners or the time nor money to do it themselves generally. It made your heart clench as you thought about how just a mile back you were living luxuriously while people over here slaved away to earn everything they owned. They weren't handed it like you were.

You were on your way to the cut to see your friends. But not for a casual hangout. You needed to see if they were okay. After the events of the night before you couldn't be sure what happened after you left.

Rafe has been involved in a fight between all the Pogues including you. No surprise there. He’d been the instigator of it all. It had broken out just you were all planning to leave and then the Cameron boy and the rest of his country club friends came over and joined in somehow finding fun in hitting and punching people due to the entitlement blinding their eyes from the truth that they were the same. Well maybe not personality wise in any way at all. But you were all human beings and yet you were pitted against each other from the day you were born. Only some succumbed to the amounting pressure of their kook or pogue parents to stay away from the other side others realised how petty and stupid it was.

It was always like a scene from west side story when the two groups were mixed and it never ended well. It usually left you to pick up the pieces of their messes. Or any mess of your brothers really. It had always been you. You taking responsibility for anything he did. Whilst he would go disappear and sniff a few lines before making his triumphant return you would be mending what he broke or taking the blame. Being younger than him didn't help with him manipulating you as a child. Rafe broke a vase and suddenly you broke the vase. Rafe stole money from dad since he blew his allowance on coke and alcohol and instead you stole the money. It had always been that way and by now you were used to being left in the wake of your brothers tyranny.

You always felt responsible no matter what happened. The events of last night where stuck in your mind like super glue and the guilt was filling up your lungs. It wasn't your fault. But at the same time it was. You didn't stop your brother, you let your friends get hurt by him. And they must hate you. Probably wish you'd never been let into their group.

The tires of your car screeched to a halt beside the Twinkie which occupied the space outside of the chateau. It was eerily quiet until you stepped out onto the grassy and muddy ground and heard muffled laughter from inside the wooden walls of the small fish shack. You could smell the after effects of a joint wafting through the air. No doubt it was JJ.

Once you entered the chateau the small creak of the screen door was enough to gain the attention of all the Pogues who glanced up at your presence. Only then did you see what was leftover from the fight last night. Kie looked at you with a small smile but you could see the light grazing on her cheeks and her hands that held the wooden neck of a ukulele. But yet she still seemed happy to see you. And then JJ who sent you a lazy smile as he inhaled more of the joint between his bruised knuckled fingers and the smoke covered his purple and yellow and green painted face but only for a second. Then John B who held a beer in his hands but you could see the blood surrounding his split lip and small cut above his black eye.

None noticed your small frown or look of quilt swarming you except from Pope who stared intensely and lingered on the downturning of your lips as you turned and caught his gaze. You could see the small cut beneath his chin and no doubt just like the John B and JJ he accumulated bruises on his stomach or arms. But he was wearing his shirt buttoned up whereas JJ laid shirtless and John B stood with his shirt open.

It hurt you the most seeing Pope. The multiple bruises and cuts adorning his normally smooth and unharmed skin. They were because of you. When Pope moved in front of you stopping you from receiving the backhand Rafe sent your way as you berated him to stop. He was the reason you weren't hurt. And you were the reason he was hurt.

Pope looked at you oddly as you just stood there letting out a sigh.

"Y/N?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowing in question. When you didn't answer again he stood up and walked over to you where you stood with your hands threaded together and rubbing in anticipation. "What's wrong?"

"I-I wanted to apologise to you last night."

The rest of the Pogues had turned their attention to you, JJ even stopped smoking for a second to listen. Your eyes were down trained on the wooden flooring as you spoke. Popes furrowed brows deepened as he looked at you slightly bewildered that you thought you needed to apologise.

"I'm sorry he hurt you guys. It was all my fault and I should have stopped him but I didn't." You let out a dry chuckle. "All of you got hurt and yet I'm perfectly fine." You shook you head and sighed. "But I'm really sorry."

Despite the nice welcoming from your friends you still had the deep rooted fear they would hate you after last night but the looks on their faces held sadness or confusion rather than anger or disdain.

Pope had seen you do this before with the group. Whether it be a Pogue and Kook fight or just a small thing when he'd been around your house, like accepting responsibility when Rafe forgot to pick Wheezie up from her ballet class or the time when you'd apologised profusely for Rafes mistreatment of JJ at his job at the country club. But most of those times he'd believed it to be a small courtesy of just being related to the problem or saying it like when you say you're sorry for someone's loss but it wasn’t like that with you. At least not this time.

You were apprehensive to look up to meet his but when you did you saw the boy let out a small scoff and you were ready for him to yell at you to leave and never come back.

"God! Stop apologising for other people! You're not the shitty one!" The Heyward boy exclaimed blowing a fuse which surprised everyone when Pope was normally the calm and collected one. Not all the time. But most.

And he wasn’t angry towards you but toward Rafe and even the smallest notion that what he did laid on your shoulders. You simply blinked in his direction not sure what to say at his outburst.

"Pope—" You started saying before you were cut off by the boy throwing his hands in the air.

"No I can't take it any longer. I can't watch you blame yourself and apologise for the punches Rafe throws or the shitty things he does. He's a bad person and you are not him. I don't give a damn if he's your brother, okay? Y/N you've never done anything wrong in your life and yet you keep apologising for everything he does. It's not your fault. I'll tell you a million—scratch that a billion times if I have to."

And once again you blinked but this time blinking away the glossy liquid in your eyes hoping to clear your vision. It was a different feeling having someone tell you it wasn't your fault for once. Popes eyes stared passionately towards you as you held his stare. You felt comforted just the the deep ebony colours of his eyes that focused on you.

"I still left you guys though after. I didn't stay and help." You told them and Kiara stood quickly, abandoning the instrument on the couch and placing a hand on your arm. You felt yourself sniffling. Pope moved his hand as well but lightly placed it in your own moving his fingers over your palm in circles soothingly. Letting you know he was there. Pope and you had definitely always been the closest in the group. If you ever needed someone Pope was always there. Whether it was someone to cry on or rant to, he was always there. And he definitely cared a lot about you as you did him.

"Hey, Y/N. You still tried to help us. That’s what counts. And we get it was overwhelming. We don't have to deal with psycho brothers. No offence." Kie spoke softly and you chuckled lightly at her comment through small tears that you were quick to wipe away.

"Yeah, Rafe is his own person and technically an adult he can take responsibility for his own shit." JJ spoke as he stood from his space on the couch joined by John B behind him.

"I still don't understand how the two of you are even related."

You shrugged a small smile growing on your lips that Pope noticed. "Me and Sarah both wonder that. A lot."

They all let out small laughs before Pope pulled you in for a hug and you nestled your head into his shoulder at his warm and enticing hold. He smelt of musk with small hints of aftershave and salt water. But most of all he smelt of home. Somewhere that would always be inviting and your one true solace from the world.

Note • Got my writing mojo back, kinda. And I used a prompt for this which helped a lot as well maybe too much. But uh so funny story I said it could make a cute blurb and one thing leads to another and I’ve written 1.7k words oopsies. I rambled too much and it’s trash and it’s also 2am so forgive me. But I need help I write too much unnecessary details in my fics and it makes it so long and probably boring. Anyway it’s✨trash✨but I hope maybe you enjoyed.

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