I'm dying, day by day.
I've asked for help.
I've shouted loudly. I've clapped.
I was yelling in the bathroom, and beneath my pillow.
Nobody have even tried to listen.
I become a money machine for everyone, they just get the cash. As a machine, I shouldn't have feelings, so, they doesn't even tries to please. Or just saying "hey, dump cash machine, thanks for work a lot to give us all your money".
It's not bad fell alone, of course, sometimes you have to pass through it.
I dont mind if people dont care about my days, about my life, but man... be used as a poor machine, all day long, for years... it sucks.
No matter what I try to do to help, to be a nice one, everything is resumed in "hey, I need money... can you buy me a thing? O god... my money is over and I still have my billings..."
Why don't just work more?
No no no no, it's a foolish, with hard when we have a perfect money machine right here.
It sucks.
Fell all alone in the world, when you live with almost ten. Perhaps it's not about feeling all alone, but, felling all abandoned.
What am I for you?
Fuck...
I really thought that I had friend.
Those who was always saying: "man, I'm here for you. Anything you need, just call me".
Surprise: at my first signal of needing some kind of help, they become to busy... to busy just to talk - just to talk.
Man... I should be so fucked, so disgusting, so miserable, that's everything that I really wanted was talk with someone, just tell what's in fucking me, putting my soul in the edge of the world, just say that I'm not okay from a while. I just wanted someone to say that everything will be ok.
I have begged for attention.
I was begging to someone just hear me - even faking.
What really hurts is have to look are the mirror, day by day, and say to myself, to my reflex "man, it's okay, you will pass through it, be strong, hold on".
I become a sad and miserable one.
I've become the guy who writes, as a anonymous, to almost anyone read. I've become the guy who writes his feelings, because no one wants to hear.
I really hope that I'm the only one who has to do it.
Man, it hurts.
Be used hurts.
Be abandoned hurts.
Everything hurts.
Living hurts.
What should I do?
Writing here really helps, but it haven't been enough.
Why I can't just be normal again?
Why do I have to live sick, why for so long?
You have to see me before the depression, I was really amazing, wonderfull.
Nowadays I'm just a ghost, who barely wakes integer, it's always missing something, and I dont know even what's this fucking thing.
I hope someday the sickness get bored of me - as everyone, sooner or later gets - and then I will start to live again.
Fuck.
Four fucking years.
Years living, begging attention.
Begging some kind of care.
Begging at least a real "good morning, my fucked miserable money machine".
Year yelling to the skies "could you even let me die!!!???? Hey, god, I'm coward, I can't take my life away by myself, could you at least help on that?????"
I become a smoker again, praying to have some kind of cancer to help, but I can't even be lucky enough for that. I can't even die, even stop this fucking feeling...
I'm tired, I'm really tired.
I'm tired of lies, I'm tired of people. I'm tired of the world.
I've committed some mistakes in my life, I really did.
I was a monster, but, what the fucking hell are the life doing with me?
Nothing's working, nothing is helping.
Everything that I do to feel better makes my world crumble.
I'm just a fucked guy who's writing all alone.
2 notes
·
View notes