#and it's not just a matter of changing your wording you actually have to unlearn your antisemitic beliefs and biases

[fitsofdespair]

i have hesitated to say anything before now. in part because i removed myself from fandom discourse and really from actively discussing iwtv a year ago. i consider it all a lose-lose situation.

but also because i’m generally of the opinion that black fans don’t need people to be their white saviors, least of all me. black people have never been saved by white people. they were never just given anything when it comes to strides in equality, they fought for it and still fight for it, against constant violent pushback every step of the way. only instead of the good ole’ days when racists just called those fighting for equality uppity, they’re now “bullies” for daring to call you out on your shit after the repeated condescension and the resulting harassment you’ve exhibited towards them.

in this day and age the word bully has zero meaning anymore. i mean come on, melania trump calls people mean about her husband bullies. elon musk thinks he’s being bullied by twitter users, though he clearly holds all the power and is absolutely the problem. its become a meaningless word that goliaths use to call davids because they won’t use the real word they actually want to say. some of these popular blogs are not being bullied, they’re being held accountable for their own actions.

it’s pretty disgusting the number of you who decided to identify strongly with these users that not only fail to question their own racial biases but have gone so far as to suggest black people don’t face racism anymore. this is so fucked. tbh it can be argued in many ways white people, especially in the deep south where i’m from, are inherently raised steeped in racism, even if its not direct. just because your family aren’t ostensibly racist doesn’t mean they didn’t bake their own little prejudices into your upbringing and being raised in your environment didn’t encourage them. even if you don’t see yourself as racist, you have to unlearn all this shit, even if it never once occurred to you that you are part of it. just cause you believe in equality and don’t hate people for their color or cultural background does not make you free of perpetuating microaggressions against them. this applies to fans across the world of course. (like for you white euro iwtv fans, you may say you have no problem with black people but i’ve heard some wild things some of yall have to say about the turks.)

i understand that probably half or more of you are not usamericans. but no matter what environment you live in, no matter where you were raised, there is no excuse for your behavior. just because YOU don’t see racism in your day to day life or are in the more likely situation, too blindly comfortable in your place in society to notice it right in front of your face, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist as a constant presence in other parts of the world or isn’t deeply ensconced in online rhetoric.

so for you white iwtv fans who can’t be fucked to mention let alone defend people you, in many cases once called friend, against the absolute horseshit your current comrades are spewing wrapped up in their nice safe cocoons of victimhood, i hope you do some serious soul searching to figure out if this is who you are, a person too cowardly to call out a friend because it might cost you their friendship. a person quick to condemn others on hearsay because you couldn’t be fucked to wonder am i on the right side of this? and if you do manage to get wise and change your mind, remember its not unforgivable to say, you know what? i was wrong. i wrote in an old post that the hallmark of being a functional adult is changing your views accordingly when you learn new information or even just ruminate on what you know (i myself was a little bitch about ep 5 when it first dropped until i had to sit down and ask myself why i was actually feeling some kind of way about it). dying on a hill is not all its cracked up to be. being told you’re wrong is not always a personal attack and its often an opportunity for improvement if you can be bothered to genuinely hear other people out. an alarming number from all walks of life never figure that out. for my part, i am still learning and hope i never stop learning.

while that sentiments all nice and gooey (i mean them, but i understand its still sacharine to put out there), i am still guilty for not having directly written anything about this until now. and thats on me and i earned any flack i get for that. again, i am more of the mindset that black people don’t need white spokespeople, but that doesn’t mean they'll mind allies. and as a sidebar, going out of your way to say you are rising “above the noise” or “ignoring the drama” is absolutely your right, but it does not make you superior. it just makes you complacent with the status quo. i mean as long as you get to squee!! about anything and everything who cares about other people, right?

#and to be clear since i think some people may be a bit confused: i’m admonishing user nalyra-dreaming and their followers #some people who reblogged seem to not understand that #iwtv #interview with the vampire #alex.txt

[teenandbeyond]

So I saw your headcanons for Bakugou and Aizawa, what kind of boyfriend would Midoriya be?

Midoriya Imagine

What type of boyfriend he'd be

Want more from me? mAsterList

I was just thinking about this when considering him for a love interest for my OC, fortunately for you, this is still fresh on my mind lol

☆*: .｡. .｡.:*☆☆*: .｡. .｡.:*☆

An awkward romantic.

By this, I mean he's awkward about his romanticness.

"W-we can share a crepe if you want?"

"Am I allowed to k-kiss you?"

Very shy, even after he's dating you.

Takes you on cute, simple dates. But plans like a pro. Like if the date doesn't work out, he has a plan B, C, D...J, K...

Though he'd be a bit better about shyness once he gets used to you.

Insecure about himself deserving you.

You'll have to assure him when you notice.

He can be kinda hard on himself, including with you. If he feels like he's not doing enough, he will feel suuuper bad.

You will be a priority, but not his first. He can be a neglectful boyfriend sometimes due to him putting hero work first...and sometimes that's all he thinks about.

But he's observant, so after a while, he'll notice.

And he quickly notices when your emotions shift.

He catches on to your ticks, habits, etc.

And writes them down in a special notebook just for you.

Pegs me as the type to track your period if you have one

Like, the day of he'll stop by with stuff and you're like, "Um...how?"

Or if you have hair, he'll have most hair items/products you might've forgotten or needed

Or if you forget to eat in the mornings, without needing to ask he'll hand you a breakfast muffin or something.

I see him being insecure about his scars until you kiss them all and tell him they're beautiful, leaving him flushed red.

Will shyly let you count his freckles if you like.

Once he's comfortable enough, will join in when you do weird stuff.

Whatever it is.

Seriously.

Will make you laugh more often than you'd expect.

Will motivate you to do more in life, but doesn't hold it against you if you don't make drastic changes.

If you have long hair, he will have the urge to braid it.

He gives hair-touching vibes. If you allow him to.

His love languages are definitely acts of service and words of affirmation.

Will happily do things for you.

And will always make sure he tells you how great you are, how much he loves you, etc.

There will be conflict sometimes.

He's reckless and will easily toss his life away for a stranger. You have to tell him he can't do that, he needs to care more about his life, and he has people who need him here, including you.

You think he has such low value for his life due to him being Quirkless and from bullying. So you'll have to help him unlearn this mindset.

If he feels like he needs to protect you, he will distance himself every time.

He's...incredibly protective. One of the rare instances Midoriya will lose control of his anger is when he's protecting those he cares for.

And you never tell him you find it attractive.

He doesn't really get jealous as much as insecure about how he treats you.

"Maybe they might treat [Name] better..."

Once you get past that phase, though, he's okay.

The type of boyfriend to cry because you're crying, even if he doesn't know why you are.

I actually don't see Midoriya as being extremely affectionate but will give it to you based on the level you want.

He melts from your praise.

And takes your opinion almost more seriously than All Might's...and that's saying a lot.

He's patient but un-patient. He can be patient for you, but it takes a lot of effort, he likes to know things, to cheer you up, to make you happy.

DENSE.

Like, he learns as he goes along...but he starts out very dense.

Definitely supportive of what you do, but if it's something he doesn't particularly agree with, he will still voice his opinion on the matter.

I see your relationship being quiet, the little moments matter more...but then other times, you're either chaotic or nerding out.

Midoriya will often nerd out about heroes, so expect that. Like, you could be walking by a hero on the street and his energy will go ⬆

Communication is a must if you want a relationship to work with him. He has a lot of bad habits and he won't know unless you tell him. That, and he needs to get better at communicating himself, he has a hard time with that.

Gamer.

I feel he's a gamer in his free time and gamers can have potty mouths.

So I feel like he'd try to not curse as much around you, but will still let things slip if he, say, bumps his foot against a table or something.

He'd love it if you can do each other's hobbies together, he'd feel closer to you.

#anime #bnha x reader #bnha imagines #deku midoriya #bnha midoriya #midoriya izuku #deku #deku x reader #mha imagines #mha #mha fluff #bnha fluff #mha deku #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #midoriya imagine #fluff

[popatochisssp]

if you feel up to it, I'd love to hear your thoughts on how vi and hunters relationship evolves after gaster dies and they move to the surface

like what's the vibe of their dynamic after all that? how does it change over time?

Their relationship is…complicated.

They both just got out of a situation that was toxic and pretty fucked up, to say the least.

Hunter was controlled, used like a tool, changed physically and mentally against his will, and his brother wasn’t the one making the call to do that, but he was enforcing it. He fully believed he couldn’t trust or talk genuinely to anyone around him, because one of those people was Gaster and the other acted like he was on his side but then turned around and heeled whenever Gaster whistled.

Vi was controlled too, but it was made invisible, he couldn’t talk about it and he had to act like he was broken in to Gaster’s will while fighting the temptation to do just that, to give up. He was constantly stuck between a rock and a hard place—Gaster’s orders and seemingly 24/7 surveillance and Hunter’s defiance and open scorn of his actions.

They both hurt each other, failed each other in different ways.

Vi didn’t protect Hunter from Gaster and he kept too many secrets to be someone Hunter could trust.

Hunter gave Vi no grace or benefit of the doubt and often put him in hard situations where he would either catch hell from Gaster, Hunter, or both no matter what he did.

They were both severely isolated and learned intimately what it was like to have their free will taken away from them.

So…they’re cagey with each other, after it all.

Wary.

Awkward.

Hunter knows now that Vi was just as leashed as he was, and Vi no longer has the axe hanging over his head for if he slips up, no one for either of them to answer to…

But there’s still a lot of ingrained patterns to undo, ways of thinking to unlearn.

When they have a common goal, they still work together like a well-oiled machine, ruthlessly efficient and totally unhesitating, but in the downtime they still stumble—and there’s a lot more downtime these days than there used to be, now that they’re cut loose.

They’re still figuring out how they work without Gaster in between them to make it hostile, learning to trust each other and be more open, but it’s not something either has any practice with so they do mess up.

Vi tries to assume too much control of what Hunter is doing and has to intentionally back off, Hunter blows Vi off when he means well and realizes later he probably shouldn’t have, but…y’know, the rest of the time, they’re…pretty okay?

They can talk to each other and joke and be, what seems to be, brothers, moments that used to be interrupted by Gaster intervening, or the stain of him felt even when he wasn’t there.

Sometimes even now the ghost of him will do that, making moments feel awkward and uncomfortable when they remember what things used to be like, what he would’ve said in that situation…but that’s fading with time.

Some of the best bonding they manage to do is in the process of delinquent type shit—they both like getting into places they probably shouldn’t be and picking locks, parkouring up to drop a fire escape ladder, or helping each other over barbed wire fences is an easy way to feel in-sync and get somewhere quiet where they won’t be interrupted.

They can’t talk about what happened to them, not and look each other in the eye-socket, so when they do end up actually talking about the tough stuff, it’s usually on a roof somewhere—one will go up and sit down and start thinking deep thoughts, and the other will eventually come join him and sit back-to-back until the words come out. They don’t always, sometimes there’s just silence, but…even that helps, a little.

It's a work-in-progress, those two, and it's not always easy but they’re trying.

#anonymous #headcanons #swapfell fruition #sff!sans #sff!papyrus

[moontheoretist]

How views change with time

I used to be the type of Cullen stan that insisted that he must have not known about the abuses, must have been blindsided by the others or something similar, but the one that still tried to hold him accountable for his bullshit. I still think it could be possible to some extent for him to be blindsided by his subbordinates when it comes to more vicious abuses that happened in Kirkwall. But I also no longer think he needed to be blinsided, considering all the things he says. At the time I tried not to take people who speak like him as people who would not react if situation called for it (i.e protect someone from the abuse) or join in on the abuse itself, but now I'm older and I know that talking like that is a sign that he may avert his eyes when he happens to see something he can't reconcile with his views or will try to rationalize it as something that "is ok and must happen" in order to not challenge his views. I've done the same many times before too. Cullen and me are both easily manipulated into supporting bad things. I am often in awe and a bit jealous of Alistair that he was able to see through a bullshit that I was not able to do for years in my life (in regard to church and misogyny I was taught, and many more bad stuff). Hence why I keep comparing them. Cullen is past me, and Alistair is who I wish I was as a child.

It was naive of me to insist that he must have not known. And even if he didn't know, it doesn't excuse his behavior, his words and actions. That's also why I keep saying that DAI is not Cullen's redemption arc. He didn't redeem himself in that game, no matter how much it insists he did. He only started to redeem himself. If you choose to romance him as a mage or any other class you are helping him in that journey. Heck, you can even participate in it as a friend, but as a lover you can have a clear view of everything that is happening. It's not ideal as you should not rely on your lover in the same way you would on therapist, but alas DA world doesn't have any psychologists so it is what it is.

I believe that people like Cullen need others to realize how wrong and bigoted they were. Because I also needed them. There was a time in my life when I was deaf to any voice of reason, just like Cullen was in previous games. At that time nobody would be able to convince us that we were wrong. But with time we were both given the chance to reflect, change and open ourselves to those voices. There is no point talking to people like us when we are not in the place where we can even listen to reason, but we are also a perfect example that some of those bigoted people you know can be reached later in their life and at that time they will need help to properly sort through their bullshit.

Inquisitor and Leliana are perfect for that role. Sadly Inquisitor is not actually given many opportunities to call Cullen out on his behavior (if they're given any). We can only be quiet and encourage him to quit lyrium and even that is not how it should be, because this is not how you handle an addiction. Quitting is necessary for him, because if he doesn't he will still be under influence. And we know that in DA world lyrium makes Templars not only more receptive to the indoctrination after they become the Templars, but also controls them like dogs on a leash and drives them mad, further strenghtening their bigotry. It's not ideal but i's the only way for Templars to become free of the Chantry's influence. Without doing that it's even harder to convince them that mages are not evil beings that were born sinners and will die in sin. Yet even then we have people like Samson who saw through all of it even though the deck was stacked against him. We can't expect everybody to be like Samson who helped mages even before he was kicked out or Alistair who bailed out the first chance he got, but we can hold them accountable, and if possible try to create places where they can heal and unlearn all the bullshit they were fed all their lives. They need it.

#dragon age #dragon age 2 #dragon age inquisition #dao #da2 #dai #cullen critical #cullen rutherford #cullen rutherford critical #alistair theirin #raleigh samson #lyrium addiction #indoctrination

[syscourse-confessions]

i need white people to understand that racism is traumatizing. colonialism is traumatizing. cultural appropriation of sacred practices and beliefs is traumatizing. explaining over and over and over again why something is cultural appropriation is traumatizing. and yes, white people refusing to listen and continue to disrespect your culture is traumatizing!! it’s not just about listening, it’s about actually changing your behavior to make the lives of POC easier because otherwise you are Traumatizing Us. do you know what it’s like to be told over and over again that your culture and your voice doesn’t matter? or that you’ll only be listened to if you fit a very specific niche, only to watch the people saying that refuse to listen to people who DO fit that niche and argue with them? just because they don’t want to change a fucking word?

white entitlement is insane and it’s not an individual attitude that someone has, its an entire cultural upbringing you have to ACTIVELY UNLEARN by LISTENING. white privilege teaches you that you can take and take and conquer. you’re allowed to have anything that you want so long as you go for it. the rest of us are silenced and forced to live in your shadow while you do this.

if you reduce any of this to “just anti endo propaganda” then you’re too white to get your head out of your ass and you’re not safe for POC to be around. that or you’re too attached to internet discourse to actually care about the real lives and trauma of POC. this shit might go away for you when you log off but for the rest of us we have to deal with shit like this every day. just fucking listen for fucks sake. white pro tulpas can fuck off and stop acting like allies.

.

#syscourse #syscourse confessions

[cebwrites]

Red Hair pirates anon here! that's totally fine! I get not wanting to jump into something without being more sure, since Shanks wasn't on the masterlist I debated at first but glad to know!

instead of that crew then what about the Strawhat crew then? Luffy invited new crew member after (incident they met/beat up the same person lol) then Luffy convinced this complete stranger to join the crew. its clear they're nervous/not so open in the merriment then it's revealed it's cause they're trans.

a much smaller crew/ship nothing stays secret forever, even if the Strawhats are friendly, new crew member can't help being wary from past rejections.

can do, anon~

coming out to the strawhats as transmasc

various trans/queer hcs for the strawhats word count: 1k

My readings of characters tend to lean very queer anyway, so you honestly could come to me and say that the SHs were an all trans crew and I'd take your word at face value - lets take a “”conservative”” estimate though and propose that it’s, say, only Zoro, Franky, and Robin as binary-ish trans folk

And Sanji (after the timeskip and a LOT of tumultuous unlearning of embarrassing amounts of internalized trans and homophobia) and Luffy as the sort of nebulous genderfucks; Sanji has the vocabulary to describe his disconnect with gender, Luffy however is completely feral and doesn’t care - one of those “ate my gender like a beetle last week” lil guys

Point is, no one on this fruity little crew would judge you for it, some might need a bit of explaining (namely Luffy) but honestly it wouldn’t change anyone’s perceptions of you afterwards - Luffy would just hit you with the ol’, “oh, so just like Ace, cool!” and then ask if you’d like to see the bug he found under one of the floorboards

Least of all the older members; you don’t get to Warlord status like Jinbei and still have trans people elude your periphery when you’ve got people like Iva running about, and Brook? Well, even if he set sail a lot earlier than everyone else on this crew, pirates are meant to be wild and free, who cares about what’s in someone’s pants so long as it wasn’t a weapon

Plus, looking at him now, what does gender even matter to Brook anyway? He’s a bag of bones! Yohohohoho!

It’s easier said than done though, I get it, not everything is outwardly supportive and you can’t always be sure from the jump - depending on when you join, too, it might just be you and the East Blue crew and it’s not like Zoro’s particularly talkative about his experiences

When the man comes back post-timeskip with top scars from the vampire dad himself, though, that line of dialogue might be a little easier to have; he’s very matter-of-fact about it, talking about what it was like growing up in the kind of environment his master’s dojo fostered, how stifling it could be at times, Kuina, and how he vowed to rise above it all in spite of that, for the both of them

It’s a tender moment Zoro doesn’t have easily, but if it’s with nakama he’ll manage, just maybe don’t mention the emotional vulnerability in front of anybody else, okay?

Sanji’s love language, as it’s always been and not always romantically, is through food and cooking for those close to him, he won’t mention it unless you bring it up but he does see you hanging back a little bit, understandable since not everyone is able to match the Strawhats’ bombastic energy right off the bat, but he does bring little snacks to you and make small talk in the hopes that you’d come around

He’s reassuring, joking about how the best of people probably wouldn’t adjust to this wild crew all that easily but you’d find your footing soon enough, share his reason for joining and you’d see the way he lights up when Sanji talks about the All Blue - nothing about gender was actually mentioned, but by the end of it you’d feel just that much warmer

Usopp and Nami have responses not dissimilar from each other but approach it from different angles - they’d have an inkling of what’s going on but not really the tools to help, maybe even turning to Franky and Robin respectively as the resident trans parents to help out with the situation, but ultimately handle it in ways both unique to each other

Nami would huff at Luffy and the other’s antics from the shade of her Mikan trees while you were nearby, tsk’ing about potential collateral damage once Franky and his weapons join the fray before pushing down her shades and asking if you’d like to join them, when you decline, she smiles knowingly and mumbles that she supposes there can be exceptions to boys being boys

Usopp is a bit more skittish around the idea, as he usually, is but it doesn’t take long for him to fire off into one of his tall, unbelievable tales about how he’d fought and taken down giants before you joined the crew (not entirely wrong depending on when this is), how he was determined to be a brave warrior of the sea just like his father, but most importantly he wanted to be a man that his crew could depend on

All three of them, Sanji, Nami, and Usopp, don’t address the root issue, but their intentions are clear - they want you to feel welcome on this crew, make it your home as much as they have

Post-Enies Robin would be more willing to help, although a repertoire would have to be built up first - that’s more on her own issues surrounding trust and being vulnerable - she’d be a lot more open about it after the timeskip, talking you through potential ways you’d be able to tell the rest of the crew and calmly soothing your worries about any potential (non-existent in this case) backlash

If you came to Franky at any point about it, he’d be SUUUUPER supportive from the start, surprisingly good at keeping secrets despite his usual bluster; he kept Pluton out of the WG’s hands for that long before it’s eventual burning at Enies Lobby, no? Franky’s the best hype man once the cat is out of the bag too, you don’t really get much “bro”-er than the SH’s loveable (suuuuper) Cyborg

Chopper would also be overjoyed to help out his nakama as the crew’s resident doctor, maybe a little too excited at first and you have to remind the little reindeer that you’re not ready for everyone else to know yet, but once he’s calmed down your health, happiness, and confidentiality is 100% in good hands

All in all, your crew will support you with whatever decision you make regarding this going forward (just like they always have for any of their own’s wishes), and hey, if you need a little extra reassurance, all you’d have to do is ask and they’d be more than willing to shower you in it

#cebwrites #one piece #one piece imagine #platonic x reader #straw hat pirates #one piece strawhats #straw hat crew #straw hats x reader #x reader #one piece x reader #trans zoro #trans reader #trans robin #trans franky #queer headcanons #one piece luffy #luffy #one piece zoro #roronoa zoro #one piece sanji #black leg sanji #one piece nami #one piece chopper #nico robin #cyborg franky #op brook #knight of the sea jinbe #op jinbe #usopp #aroace luffy

[rin-and-jade]

would y'all happen to know how to handle a persecutor-gatekeeper? our system has one who can force dormancy & switches and trying to find resources on what to do about them hasn't been fruitful. it's not a regular persecutor situation due to their executive control over other alters, and even if it were they're too emotionally closed off to attempt the "appeal to emotions" route. any advice?

(this is rather lengthy but i promise everything i wrote here is important,, as surface leveled, short answers will not cover everything i want to convey)

I'd consider myself a gatekeeper with persecutive tendencies (its the better way to say keeper + persc role for my comfy-ness) and anger issues/holder. As a logical keeper (ISTJ) and ex persc who is also not easily appealed by my own people's 'puppy eyes' and begs, though can be influenced by rage,, I feel qualified enough to tell you my story from how i came up with persecution, what i did in that moment of life, and how i overcame and changed my overall view which renders myself as docile, where i pursuit functionality and etc which made me open this blog for the better of others.

Back then i was a really rude person, though not necessarily causing harm to anyone,, till something sets off the fuse and made me go wrecking some havoc (for short, i've seen how badly my people are doing/coping and as i was never exposed to healthy ways to fix things back then, i resorted to this in order to 'fix' things). I'd hog all the time i had outside at front and never let any friends see my other people, they can beg me how many times they want to and i never let it happen but if i was being nice i'd only give a whole day and back at it again. It's as easy as not doing what i say to push someone to dormancy, creating an environment where there are no such thing as mercy until i achieve the 'ideal' results that's wanted.. or is that what i actually wanted?

Slowly yet surely i begin to notice that my strict and forceful actions did not grow any results,, on this section i don't remember much but got the gist where this is the time i actually tried to loosen the 'ropes' i invincibly tied to my people because i was curious enough if that will generate results. It did. I also shunned down anything they say to me but at that same time i actually took it to consideration. Things are going smoothly because i decided to stop adding unnecessary pressure and ACTUALLY telling what i find troubling and talking it out instead of just bashing their head without a word, not even telling what they did wrong. It took me months to regain everyone's trust because i did an unbelieveable amount of damage that was irreversible,, thankfully i was forgiven. From that period on i dedicate myself to unlearn some nasty ways of doing things, then you can guess the rest from here.

IN CONCLUSION.. If using emotional ways don't work, then opt for logical reasoning. We all have something we care about that contributes to why someone does this or that, the good or bad way. The last thing i wanted to be is being wrong so factual proofs and basic common sense (that punishment doesn't breed better results, things like that) might help. There's one thing that could change me sooner at the past, possibly by asking "why are you doing this?" because i was villainized right off the bat (which was fair) even though i had good intentions. I think showing friendlier ways to achieve the same thing would help putting a stop to the current actions too,, but i want to emphasize that your keeper can't be forced and need to make it's own decision, pushing it is also counterintuitive. This work requires you (your people) and the keeper in need of change, this does not work in one direction/way/party.

If you feel like needing extra help/guidance and get in touch with me to do this step by step, come to the DMs and i'll be happy to provide you with anything, i assume you can take matters in your own hands as i don't want to meddle unless consented, hope it was a-ok day for you!

- j

#did #actually did #did community #did osdd #did system #dissociative identity disorder #sysblr #janswersask

[vecnuthy]

Unlearning, pt 2

pt 1

Steve Harrington x fem!reader

Acquaintances to friends to....?

Summary: Were your eyes deceiving you, or had Steve Harrington actually changed? Takes place not too long after season 4

Warnings: language, bit of comfort

3.1k words

Steve didn't have anything to prove and he wasn't responsible for people's perceptions of him. If they didn't see he had changed -- simply put? Fuck 'em. He didn't want to be weighed down with the burden of proving himself or of showing his value. Too much had gone on around him and to him to actively bother with that nonsense, but he'd be lying if he said that people's perceptions of him didn't bother him. And he hated that reality. His high school persona coupled with his well-off, well-connected, but just crappy parents had laid the shoddy foundation of Steve Harrington. He knew how he had once carried himself, finding validation in his charisma and status and the attention they afforded him. He knew that Tommy H and Carol had been fuel to what ended up being that dumpster fire, too. They had brought it the wrong side of him, had been the wrong company, so he let them go. Or they let him go. Whatever -- they split, and the point is that he didn't shy away from change once he realized it wasn't so daunting.

Maybe the root of his issues with the public's perception of "Steve Harrington" was its incapability of actually seeing Steve Harrington for who he was, who he had become. Steve Harrington was a good guy. He was brave, loyal, courageous, eager, willing, able, caring, and generous, and he didn't try to hide any of it even as he kept discovering things about himself.

And here you were -- two nods shy of basically being a stranger to the guy -- willingly putting in the effort to unlearn the public's perception, your perception of him because you had realized it was wrong. And you had admitted it to him. It was a rarity for Steve to get that kind of validation or acknowledgement (not that you knew that). He still didn't fully understand why you purposefully, actively chose to work through your prejudices toward him, but he couldn't deny that he appreciated it and every admired you for it, even though he initially found your approach to be fairly.... unnerving.

And for good reason, you privately conceded, but shit, the guy was fascinating.

As your respective paths continued to cross, Steve engaged more with you, and the dynamic between you and him morphed into something easier as you moved past general acquaintances into something that definitely more closely resembled friends. Naturally, you also ended up getting more involved with his and Robin's other friends, which, of course, included Nancy Wheeler. 

That dynamic was fascinating to watch. It didn't seem like Steve had completely moved on from her. It was so subtle, but it was there, and you couldn't help but notice that Nancy acted delicately with him, as if she knew how he felt but didn't want to encourage it, but didn't want him to feel bad about it either. You wondered if it was because Steve just hadn't been in another relationship since theirs had ended. Judging from Robin's banter with him, he went out on dates, but it was pretty obvious that nothing landed. Honestly, you were surprised he hadn't run through the whole town yet, as small as it was and as suave as he could be, but maybe he had, and that's why he wasn't with anybody. Maybe none of it really mattered, in the end, and something would happen when it was supposed to. If it was supposed to.

Here you were thinking about Steve Harrington again.

"Get kicked out?" Steve asked you as he took his own chunk of the pool's edge a little further down from you. 

The boys from the younger crew had already been taken home by Nancy after spending a few hours at Steve's for the pool. You, Vickie, Robin, and Nancy had been hanging out up until then, splitting the time between talking and lounging and making sure the young teens were being safe, but now it was just you, Robin, and Vickie left outside as the sun finished setting. It didn't take long for the third wheel syndrome set in, so you found yourself sitting on the edge of the pool while the other two canoodled in the chairs. 

"Self-extrication," you clarified. The two girls giggled behind you, and you and he shared an amused look. "I really need to start driving myself around or be the one to pick up Vickie, because it's pretty clear how all of these get-togethers are going to end." He laughed out an affirmative. 

A metallic squeak sounded from one of the chairs as Robin got up and came over to ask, "Would you hate us if we headed out?" Her eyes darted between your and Steve's upturned faces, then she scrunched up her own, bracing herself for a plea from you both for her and Vickie to stay. You looked over at Steve, Steve looked at you, and then you both looked back at Robin as she continued to cringe. She cracked one of her eyes open, then deflated and pleaded, "Oh, come on, guys. We want to get food before the movie."

"You know you don't have to ask, right?" you told her.

She snorted, saying, "Of course, but we would be leaving you, once again, with this one's company." She jabbed her thumb toward Steve, who scoffed at her saying under his breath, "Like that's a bad thing."

"Look, Steve, all I'm saying is that she's one of the very few who you haven't – "

"Jeez, Robin," he interrupted with a grimace.

" – gone out with, and I can't have the – "

"God, stop. She'll be fine. You'll be fine," he assured you. You gave them both an amused look and waved Robin off with, "I'm not worried about it."

"Mhmm," she said flatly, eyeing Steve suspiciously. "Behave," she told him, gesturing 'I'm watching you' with her fingers.

Steve scrunched his face in confusion and waved his hand, saying, "You're literally leaving." You laughed when she rolled her eyes and flipped him off as she and Vickie walked away.

"Jesus," he breathed, giving you an unsure look that you actually missed. He hoped that hadn't weirded you out, because what Robin had alluded wasn't his intention.

"She's funny," you said, putting your weight on your palms as you leaned back, bare feet dangling in the water. It was a nice night. The sky was clear, the moon was rising, and it wasn't ridiculously humid.

The silence between you now wasn't like what loomed over you in his car that night a few weeks ago when he took you home. He was the first to break it this time, though.

"Do you want me to take you home?"

You took in a deep breath, coming out of letting your mind wander through nothing in particular. "Yeah, if you want."

He shrugged. "You don't have to. Not trying to kick you out or anything." He was watching the movement of the water.

"Your house, your rules, bud," you said with a smile, bobbing your heel on the surface of the water. He breathed out a laugh through his nose.

"Seen any good movies lately?"

You smirked to yourself and thought There it is. "Nope."

"Really?"

You doubled down by shaking your head at him, eyes twinkling as you smirking at his incredulous expression.

"Have you seen any movies lately?" Steve figured you probably had, because you had followed the instructions on the note he'd left to return the movies to Family Video.

You narrowed your eyes at him and cocked your head to the side. "Huh. Funny you should ask that. Some creeper left a bag of C tier space opera tapes on my porch."

He looked away and groaned out an incredulous "oh my god" through a laugh. 

"I almost didn't watch them, because people are crazy and you never really know what's on a tape until you watch it."

Steve's eyebrows shot up in an amused expression and he dangled his arm aross the knee he just pulled up, waiting to see how far you were going to take this. You couldn't keep looking at him, otherwise you'd break, so you looked back at the water, then continued.

"I thought about putting up some 'be on lookout' posters of the guy that did it." You moved your foot through the water. "I figured Robin could sketch him for me. I got a good look at him."

He gasped in faux awe. "You did?"

"Oh yeah," you said gravely. "He had some pretty defining features, too," you admitted, chancing a look back at him, letting your eyes flick up to his hair. "I'm thinking people would recognize him."

"Jesus," he breathed to himself as he smiled and shook his head incredulously. "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't know about your apparent video tape trauma," he shot at you with a grin as you laughed at him. "You were home?"

"Yeah," you snickered. "You had good timing, too. I was bored out of my mind." You shifted on the concrete.

"If you want some real C level movies, Robin's loaded with recommendations. She loves those ridiculous sci-fi movies from the 60s."

"Sounds like you found out the hard way." He gave you a tortured, pleading look that made you laugh again.

"The storylines typically aren't that bad, but my god, the acting and execution?" He thought of something and started laughing. "There was this one movie that was part of a series–" 

You gave a sympathetic oof. 

"Yeah," he said with a knowing look. "This alien guy was working for this group of alien women, all babes–"

You snorted. 

" – and one of them and this guy were casually walking through this military base or something and absorbing people by opening up his big black trench coat and wrapping it around them. The alien babe with him would just set her bag down and put their clothes and shoes in the bag, and then they'd just walk off like nothing happened." He saw your screwed up face and yielded, "I swear I'm not doing it justice, it was so dumb. The fight scenes were surprisingly badass, though." 

"If you guys have it, I'll rent it." Curiosity had the better of you. 

"I'll ask Robin about it." He gave you a sly grin. "So the Star Wars movies weren't bad, huh?"

You looked anywhere but at Steve as you ran your tongue over your teeth and tried not to smile.

"Hmm?" he goaded. God.

You huffed. "They weren't that bad," you repeated louder with a little difficulty, which made him laugh. In playful retaliation, your foot surged over the surface of the pool, sending a spray of water in his direction, but your half-hearted effort ended up being a little too effective. You and Steve both gasped as the water splashed onto his lap, and you both froze: you with wide eyes and your hands over your mouth, Steve with his hands suspended in front of him as if they could stop the wave. 

"Oh my god, Ste–" you started, but he silenced you with a huffed laugh and an unconvincing, "I'm kicking you out now," as he moved to get up. 

"No, that's understandable. "You got up too. "Let me get you a towel or something," you offered, definitely forgetting you knew basically nothing about his house. 

"Really?" he snorted. "Do you even know where anything is?" he said over his shoulder as you and he moved toward the back door. 

"No…." you said in a small but guilty voice. "I could find a bathroom and hope for the best."

He laughed. "I'll just change." He brushed off your apologetic grimace. "Don't sweat it, I'll be back." He disappeared into the depths of the house, leaving you just inside the back door. 

You couldn't help but notice how impersonable the space looked and felt. What you could see of the house was nice, but it came off as staged and cold and unlived in. You couldn't help but wonder how a space of his own would look if given the chance. He seemed like he would want a cozy space, definitely seemed like a blanket pers–

"That's better." 

You jumped with his announcement and turned to see him looking at ease in a pair of black sweats and a tshirt he's swapped his polo out for. 

"I can head out now." 

His eyebrows raised a little in surprise, then he gave you a slight questioning look, to which you nodded in confirmation with your lips pressed together. 

"Mkay." Steve grabbed his keys, and you followed him to his car. 

"So they 'weren't that bad' huh?" He asked as he pulled out of his driveway. 

Your head hit the back of the seat in response to his determination, but you were smiling. "No, they definitely unique."

"So are you a Luke girl or a Han girl?" He gave you a teasing smile, drawing from something a Family Video customer had said about girls liking one or the other. You countered his question with a frown, saying, "Neither?" as if it were the most obvious thing. He hadn't expected that response, so you clarified. "Luke's a fledgling that goes off and suddenly becomes a badass with barely an explanation, and Han is a hot shot, selfish, and shady, and he's a bit of a dick." 

As the words tumbled out of your mouth, you couldn't help but draw parallels to some of those descriptors and Steve, then you thought of how Han was brave, had a heart of gold, and stuck around when it counted, even if you didn't know the full extent to which that applied to Steve. Shit. You didn't want to dwell on that, didn't want to leave an empty space for either of you to think about that, so you added, "Nobody even addressed the fact that Leia witnessed the destruction of her whole damn planet, which definitely should have played a bigger role in the story. Didn't they even fly through the remnants?"

"I think so," he said, turning down a street.

"That's pretty fucked up." He agreed with you, letting the soft radio music go the silence for a while before you snorted and said, "At least I know where that insane voice you did came from now." 

Steve laughed. 

"It was a good impersonation," you assured. "A little too good, almost." 

"I'm a man of many talents." He smiled to himself. "Speaking of that, how's the whole unlearning thing going?" 

You gave him a surprised look. "Well that's bold of you to ask. I thought you left the ball in my court for updates?"

Steve shrugged. "You haven't given any."

"Maybe I don't have any to give."

"Am I that hopeless?" He gave you a pitiful look. You rolled your eyes and sat in silence for a few minutes, trying to ignore how the glances he gave you. 

"You really want an update?" He nodded slowly, almost lazily as he looked toward the road. "Alright." You took a deep breath. Here it goes. 

"You wear your heart on your sleeve, but you hide. It's obvious that you and Robin and Nancy and the others have been through. . . . something. I'm not asking what that is, because it seems really heavy and it's obviously none of my business."

Steve shifted in his seat. "It wouldn't make any sense, anyway," he offered with a worn grimace as he reached around and pressed his hand lightly against his side. It was a small movent, but you noticed it.

You choked the questions down and continued, "But from what I've seen, Steve? Overall, you're just a good guy that's shed his shitty high school persona and come into himself more. And you're getting used to getting comfortable with it." 

He could see he was processing your words,so you let that linger, then continued, getting braver the closer you got to your house, knowing you'd be able to jump out soon. "You seem hard on yourself, though. Like, unnecessarily so." You absentmindedly scratched at your arm, unsure if you should keep going out of fear of overstepping, but you did. "You should be proud of yourself, Steve. I don't know if it means much, but I'm proud of you. Robin adores you, and the kids wouldn't trade you for the world, even though they give you a hard time sometimes."

The mood had shifted in the car, that was a surety, but it also showed in his body language as his thumb brushed against the top of the steering wheel while he bit the inside of his cheek. Maybe he had expected some half-hearted assurance that he could easily brush off, suddenly forgetting that you had zero issues with being frank with him, but he literally had zero escape through everything you just said. 

He did now that he was parked in your driveway, though, and you wanted to give that to him. You said a quick apology for making him uncomfortable, again, then got out and started toward your front door, but looked back in the blinding headlights of his BMW when he called your name like a question. His outline, blurred by the lights in your eyes as you squinted toward him, grew closer to you, then was in front of you, then was all around you as he wrapped you in a genuine, heartfelt hug. The gesture surprised you, and it took a moment for you to reciprocate, but when you did, you both relaxed into it and just stood there. 

"Sorry if this is weird." The vibrations of his voice through his chest made you relax even more. "But that was…" He trailed off, not really knowing what to say or how to convey what he was feeling, so he just let the embrace do it for him.

It was nice. Shit, it was more than nice, it was one of the best hugs you'd ever had. Warm, firm but soft, surprisingly not awkward, just genuine. You felt valued, a realization that made you misty-eyed because you knew he was channeling his own feelings into this. A few moments later, he shifted and you pulled apart from each other. 

"Are you okay?" you asked him softly. 

Steve sniffed and nodded, one hand on his hip, the other running through his hair out of instinct. "You really think all of that? I know I'm not the same, but it's weird hearing it from other people." He couldn't help think about what Eddie had said to him in the Upside Down a few months back.

"Well yeah." You looked away from him and added, "You should stick up for yourself, too, by the way." The way the younger kids and even Robin joked around with him sometimes didn't sit well with you. 

"Yeah…." he said, eyes cast to the ground. 

"If you don't, I will." You bumped into him with a little grin, trying to get him to smile. "I'm not above kicking some underfreshman ass if the situation calls for it." He finally huffed out a laugh and pushed slightly back into you with a soft "Thank you."

"Thank you for the ride again." You turned and moved toward your door, adding, "Be safe going home," then, "Watch out for deer!" before you closed the door. The distant sound of his laugh muffled through the door made you smile.

@starry-eyed-steve @sattlersquarry

#steve harrington #steve harrington × reader #stranger things #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington fan fiction #steve harrington x fem!reader #steve harrington x femme reader #stranger things fanfic #stranger things fan fiction #may or may not have a pt 3 bouncing around in my brain #unlearning pt2 #fics #fic

[sylvainahyperfixation]

bro sometimes i get real confused about why so many people straight up hate minthara when they havent even TRIED her route. oh there's your answer right there. how could they like her when they have no idea what kind of person she is? also the fact that she's not fleshed out because of all the bugs, which is a damn shame.

and then there's also the reality some people live in that if you arent willing to commit war crimes for drussy (ugh, it's not like i didn't do it for this too but reducing a whole ass character to one sex scene is so disgusting) she's not "worth it". i would kill for larian to make her recruitable in a regular party because there's SO MUCH to her. i would wait years if it means there's as much content for her as there is for origin characters. and to the people who're gatekeeping her bc "if you cant handle being evil you dont deserve minthara" listen. fair. but i want more people to see her beyond The Sex Scene and The General Power Hungry Evilness. she's so much more than a one dimensional character a lot of people think she is and it's real obvious when they never take a look beyond her surface. but theyre willing to make excuses for Other Characters.

no shade on astarion lovers (and there are a lot of those) but what makes it so your traumatized horrible man is more worth exploring than my traumatized horrible woman? the level of devotion she exhibits to tav suggests that while she may disapprove of your actions she'll stand with you no matter what you choose (and honestly the bad ending proves that it's even to HER detriment, not that she knows that but there's an argument to be made for if you knew what would happen, would you still pick it? and therefore opportunities for character development). she's no less of a wonderful companion than all of the origin characters. in fact most people think wyll is bland af and yea, i agree. i romanced that guy in my first playthrough as astarion (which btw completely blinded me to what a Terrible Little Vampy Boi he actually is because i was the one making his choices) and i was like dude can this guy just be interesting. not that that's necessarily a bad thing...and wyll's probably the greenest flag companion there is because of how boring he is.

anyways my POINT is. all of our fucking companions are traumatized in some way and have a shady/sus past. why is minthara not worth "redeeming" (by this i literally mean i want to make her happy and not because i want to fundamentally break what makes her who she is, then i'd be no better than the absolute. but if you WERE to change someone it would be a slow and long process and there would have to be a lost of trust and openness, which from the way she's written i believe she's completely willing to share with tav by the end). i want to say this is because there's simply not enough content for her (and it's true) but also that just leads to the conclusion "my opinion of her is tbd because there's not enough info" and not "minthara evil therefore bad". but even with the content we're given if you think that her upbringing didnt completely fuck her over in a way that would take years and years to unlearn and heal from and That's Why She's Like That...not saying it's an excuse but it's a damn good reason. it's not that hard to recognize what makes a character good and the parts that you can poke and prod at to start making them question their worldview and also at the same time not be an apologist and be like "she did nothing wrong" (i would still say that ironically tho)

this has already been too long im just so fucking tired all the time of people who enjoy Other Terrible But Ultimately Redeemable characters and then turn around to slap a label on minthara when theyre formulaically the same because all of our companions are Problematic in one way or another. i guess some of them are just more palatable to you. i've also tried to keep this civil but i have So Many Words for astarion/shart/laezel enjoyers that dont have anything nice to say ab minthara. there's a reason those characters can make an actual party even if you slaughter the whole fucking grove

#bg3 #minthara

[positivityforlesbians]

Hey so I’m not sure if there’s a central point to this ask but what do you do when you feel more or less “outnumbered”? I stupidly searched some tags that I knew would upset me and it seems like so many people have an inherent bias against “white cis lesbians” and it seems like they throw the word white in front of it just to get away with being misogynistic and homophobic because their arguments are never about race. They’re about if someone is in the wrong for having sexual boundaries. Also, I’m not even white and those posts make me feel like a bigot for being a lesbian. Which is how I know that adding “white” is so superficial. I keep reading that my aversion to male genitalia (even the male genitalia that has been surgically restructured) makes me transphobic and that i need to unlearn that aversion but it just doesn’t make sense to me?? I look to the comments and see one or two others like myself who are genuinely confused and the most common response is “I’m not google” or “examine the root of your preferences”. But my examining is so brief because I was literally BORN THIS WAY. I think about it and it’s so clear to me that my body and brain love female bodies and are repulsed by male bodies. It all feels like mass brain washing and conversion therapy.

To make matters worse, there’s no safe way to even vent this frustration without being called a “terf”. I feel like being born a same sex attracted woman has doomed me to inevitably being labeled a terf when idek much about terfs other than being called one is a really bad thing. People are supposed to pick ideology/schools of thought. From what I’ve seen, lesbians who are vocal about their sexuality are forced into that box by other people. If that makes sense? Its almost comically absurd. I’d laugh if it weren’t so horrific and homophobic. I feel like I can’t loudly and proudly be a lesbian and it SUCKS because I spent all of high school in the closet and I just feel robbed and I feel betrayed by supposed members of my… “community” who, quite frankly, hate actual homosexuals whether they want to admit it or not. I guess I wanted to know if you think there’s hope for lesbians? Or if the game is rigged for us to be hated by both the left and right? Do you think there are many other lesbians like me who are silently fed up with being the scapegoat of so many people’s anger and insecurity? Is there anything you do to feel better about being unable want male bodies when it feels like literally every other “queer” woman online does/is willing to? I get republicans thinking I’m a freak for loving women. It truly baffles me when democrats, liberals, and fellow gay/bi people also think I’m a bad person for how I was born. It’s so horribly lonely.

Firstly, I once again apologize for being so long to answer. All your concerns are valid and I want you to know that there are absolutely many other lesbians like you who are silently fed up with this hatred against us. Make no mistake it is indeed lesbophobia, this time it's more effective because it hides in plain sight, it goes from mouth to mouth so often unchallenged because people are so afraid to be seen as ostracising and exclusionary.

No matter what these new homophobes say though, we are still unable to change who we are, and why would we want that anyway ? The atmosphere is so toxic, so intoxicating, that lesbians just existing in western supposedly progressive countries are called "terfs" and "transphobes". The ones who are not called that are lucky for now because they're either careful and lying about their real opinion on the matter (which isn't even an opinion but a fact, we are not attracted to the opposite sex) - which worsen it all for the rest of us (no "thank you" to any of you reading this, you're simply hypocritical if you are out there calling us transphobes when you damn well know you wouldn't actually like sex involving pe**s either, duh) or not involved on social media or lgbt spaces irl so they don't know what's going on (which ... I'm kind of jealous of that). The best thing you can do to put distance between this new type of lesbophobia and you is to find the actual self-loving lesbians who are not afraid to be called names if this means being true to our sexual orientation. It's okay to be solely attracted to the same-sex, it's okay to be a lesbian, lesbophobes can die mad about it. ✨

#anonymous #my answers #lesbian safe #lesbophobia #lesbian positivity #lesbian pride

[queer-merm]

I try not to bring up too much discourse but I will just this once:

You may have noticed that this blog went from “yeah haha I am an inclus :) I guess I just support queers haha (refuses to elaborate, refuses to specify)” to “I am explicitly inclusive of all good faith identities including but not limited to ace and aro people, but also queer people, kinky people, polyam people, and bi lesbians, lesboys, turiagirls, trans people with “contradictory” sexualities, etc”.

When I went with the former, it was really out of fear of getting hate, but also cowardice.

And when it turned out someone close to me had one of those lesser known identities, I realized it’s not enough to be vaguely inclusive.

In the face of hatred, we /have/ to take a stand. It’s not enough to not hate, we have to show support to ALL queers. In the face of discourse, in the face of gay related things we don’t understand, it can be easy to forget that the people whose identities were ducking fighting about already face hate from the cisheteropatriarchy for /being a queer. Being a faggot. Being a dyke. Being a tranny./ These people are already vulnerable, how dare we not show support to people in our own communities?

Who cares if you don’t understand everything? Who cares if I don’t understand everything? It’s not about me, it’s not about you. It’s about standing together no matter our differences.

And you know what? I think I can empathize with people who don’t get /how/ easily one can identify as a lesbian. I remember when I first started identifying as one. After years of feeling pressured of being into men, only to realize no, actually, I don’t like men, it can feel liberating, and frustrating to know that it took years to unlearn that.

Then you turn around and see people seemingly going “I don’t care about what #society thinks. I’m gonna identify like I fucking want, lulz”.

If I learned about the concept of bi lesbian right after I came out, I think I would have had the same knee jerk reaction. “It’s not fair! /I/ WORKED HARD! I had to work for my label, and these people can just choose to do it? What the fuck?”

Two things to note:

-our goal /should/ be to make it that everyone has an easier time figuring themselves out. People saying “fuck cishets, I’m queer in my own way” is a good thing! (And, I’m saying this in the most gentle, kind way, but you being upset you had to work for your labels is not other people’s problem. Sorry.)

-honestly, it’s bold to assume people didn’t think this through. Honestly, they probably had very similar self doubts and thoughts than you did. I guarantee they chose their labels after thinking about it, just like you did. One word can have multiple meanings, and that’s okay.

(Also, no, bi lesbian (because I’m gonna guess this is the current big one that people are still pissed over) isn’t inherently transphobic, it wasn’t made by and for transphobes, it’s not from last year, and no one (no one) is forcing you to ever like a man or give up on your bi idetentity. come on yall we’ve been through this)

And look if you foam at the mouth reading about bad queer identities, and you refuse to ever tolerate people who use them, fine. I’m not here to change your mind. My goal with this blog and my posts isn’t to make you happy, it’s to make queer people feel safe and included. Cis straight people already want us gone, I won’t tolerate people feeling like they are not safe with fellow queers. We /have/ to support each other no matter what.

And look I don’t get fundamentally understand everything. I don’t /get/ how one can only be one gender in one way their own lives. I don’t understand people who are comfortable using certain labels when they are non-binary. I don’t understand people who find men attractive. But I understand I don’t need to understand everything, I just understand I need to be open minded and be kind even if I don’t always “get it”.

(If you’re not queer, if you don’t like the word queer, consider that this post isn’t for and about you and not everything revolves around you :) if you’re not queer you’re not included in this post dw)

#anyway #mod Ary #i am once again gently reminding you if you want to send hate don’t send it to this blog send it to my main thnx #1 #2 #3 #discourse #f slur #d slur #t slur

[pocket-poly]

The last 6mths have been an upheaval to what I knew as family. My life is choas normally but this is has been years of festering that's finally beeing addressed.

Grieving family relationships with people whom still are very much alive but no longer in my life by my choice because I've learned boundaries. (Only took me 35 years to start learning and 3 years to enforce them)

I'd be lying if I claimed this new life I'm actively building is a peaceful place of sunshine and rainbows. Because remodeling anything figuratively or literally is a messy progression of tearing down, repairing and redesign. And doing so when your actually living in the place of remodeling isnt easy. The mess the chaos and the clutter is madness in its own right. And no matter how great the end game may become its always a longer process than it was ever intended to be

The unlearning of people pleaseing traits that once severed me as I lived in survival mode among narcissistic people to try and hold the family together are commonly inconvenient to those around me. I made every effort to show up, arrive, fix,support, help. I made time to show up in every way i could. The word no is a complete sentence; and let me tell you, that pisses people off.

I'm emotional. I'm aware. I'd like to say I've done really well at walking away, cooling off and not making knee jerk reactions. Most days people have no idea how close I am to becoming a puddle of tears or an enraged monster. To be honest. I guess, until today, I also had no idea.

Until lastnight, a relationship with a partner, whom I thought, we were simply riding out the storm of covid and hardships in our lives was brought to my attention is no longer enough. And Im leaving someone I love dearly unfulfilled, and unhappy.

Im fully aware the transition I'm navigating leaves ME less available. But for quiet some time available has not been a mutual offering and I was left to accept it and navigating how to make what I WAS given OKAY or quit. So i did the work to change, and accpet the new normal. I worked to accept appreciate what i had, Because that was all they had to offer given thier hardships and struggles. But now it seems that isnt enough for them. And i dont know what to do. I dont have a full glass to pour from beyond my own and I AM actively working on filling MY own cup.

New me wants to throw up my hands and say fine, go find your happiness. Its an inside job and I can NOT save you. But in polyam we already have that freedom. So, what is the healthy, and responsibility of mine to carry?

Old me wants Arguments about how WE got here, but that wouldnt do anything but hash out old feelings. How would that possibility do any good? It wouldn't.

While it took all my bravery in a half asleep mind frame to express what i have been working on in therapy last night, only it wasnt comprehend clearly. They were not coherent to engage in a conversation they started. So, all those feeling nicely explained and thought thru, got lost in the night.

Being emotional I slept like shit. I woke earlier than planned and just dove head first into my day. One problem after another 🙄 and its only noon.

My husband has been gone all week for work. My partner is unhappy. My home and mental health is legitimately under renovations. And trying hard to learn healthy boundaries, meeting people where they are, and not bleed on those that haven't hurt me.

Last night when they expressed they were unhappy in all thier relationships. I was aware this isnt all my weight to carry. And I dont know how fixing ours is going to help what is clearly a much bigger thing than what we have. Again

happiness is an inside job

I like to think we have weathered and changed thur the shit the last 2.7 years has thrown at us. Changing what we had to what we could have. And finding peace with that. The happiness i brought to the table propelled them through the rest. Its not the power I have or the energy I have to carry and mange that. I love them. We are poly. I am in no place to provide a physical relationship, my emotional needs arent met and I dont hold ANYONE to that chore as I am navigating my own healing. But I am demi sexual. And I cant be sexual and physical until I find comfrot and healing. Which i am fully responsible for. If this isnt something they have the power to ride out with me I understand. Thier plate is thier own to determine what they are willing to do, withstand, handle and I peroanally know how difficult and full it is.

Ive stood by thier side through a lot of crap in our time together. And they owe me NOTHING But i wont stand in their way of happiness regardless of my love for them

Our dynamic and relationship has changed many times over 2.7 years, I am only 1 of 4 parts of thier poly relationships and im only responsible for that one. What we had and what we have are VERY VERY different things. And no i dont think going back is an option. Is never really is. But making what we have work and the opportunity to build new things are.

I am a fixer, a caregiver, a helper.

I cant fix thier financial situation, job, marriage, sex life and i have had to learn how to love someone and not fix them. And that's where i am.

Unlearning people pleaseing, advocating for what's mine to carry, loving people where they are, and taking responsibility for my own happiness.

If you have read this far... thank you. 😊 this is a small place I work out my thoughts and feelings and share with those navigating poly and thier own healing and happiness

#poly life #polyamory #polyamorous #dating #polyamourous #life lessons #healing #therapy

[tabby-shieldmaiden]

I have complicated views on the whole ‘you don’t owe your parents anything’ thing. Because, like. On the one hand, I understand why it’s being said. People have abusive parents whom they want nothing to do with, and that’s completely fair. I think folks who have poor relationships with their parents due to their parents’ abuse of them should be able to live a life away from them, and they don’t owe their parents anything. Like, I get that on a mental level. I support it, I support abuse victims’ right to happiness and self-actualization.

But also, I feel like on a base, gut, emotional level the idea still kind of makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. At least when thinking about whether I can do the same.* And a large part of that comes from well, the type of culture that I grew up in. The concept of filial piety has kind of... ingrained itself into my very soul and being, if that makes sense? It’s something, an idea, that growing up I was so deeply entrenched in - in school, at home, in church - that the idea that I could just... not take care of my parents, and the idea that I don’t owe them anything, is always just going to weird me out a little. When I first became very online, the idea of just... not dealing with your parents and other adults who helped raise you was... well, it did give me quite a bit of culture shock.

And like. I know that it’s not just Chinese people who have these ingrained cultural values. ‘Honour thy father and mother’ is an idea that’s spread through the western world too. It’s something that a lot of people, abuse victims especially, have taken effort to unlearn. And I think, yeah, valid.

Maybe a part of why I feel slightly uncomfortable with the idea is also because overall... I don’t consider my parents abusive? I feel like... they have made a lot of mistakes, but I do ultimately want to forgive them for it because... I dunno. I really don’t know. I remember not-so-great stuff, but I feel like, after a lot of thinking and reflection and looking at things from different perspectives... I think I can only ever see them as just flawed people who are trying to hold down jobs while raising two brainweird kids. I don’t know. Maybe if things had been worse, I would be more willing to cut ties with them. Maybe not. I really don’t know. All I know is that I still see my parents as flawed people who I disagree with on a number of things. But between the freedom to live out the type of life that I want, and looking after them, I feel obligated to choose the latter. It’s a matter of responsibility for me.

I guess another thing that complicates it is well. The fact that I am training to work in healthcare. There’s a very real possibility that I will someday end up working in a nursing home, looking after the elderly in the ageing population. There’s a very real possibility that some of the elderly I will take care of might have been abusive parents. And in these circumstances... I will still have to look after them. Nursing homes are already depressing as they are. Frail elderly people in hospital wards are depressing. Broken families are depressing. I feel like, this idea that I will already be looking after the elderly in such a way makes it seem kind of pointless to cut ties to my family, if that makes sense? Regardless of what happens or happened. Regardless of whether or not I can live life out of the closet. Regardless of a lot of things. And I feel like when it is my job to look after people like that, it will change me in someway, it will colour my worldview. It would be hard for me to disentangle the tragedy (?) (don’t know if that’s the right word to use?) of it all from the situation. When it is always going to be in front of me.

I feel like maybe my views on this may be subject to change someday. But at the present, I feel like this might be why I do have somewhat complicated feelings on the idea of not owing my parents anything.

*This is part of a lot of complicated society things which make me wonder if it’s possible or feasible for me to live out of the closet

#tabby says something #abuse discussion #child abuse discussion #personal #would prefer it if you didn't reblog #replies are fine #these are just rambly thoughts

[the-writer-muse]

Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

Intro

I thought this would be an appropriate post to make, because lately I've been having feelings of inadequacy in both myself and my writing. At first I thought it was just my inner critic, but after a while I realized that the problem wasn’t just feeling inadequate; I felt that I wasn’t the writer I thought I was. I would think back to some of the praise I received from other people and wonder if I was actually worthy of it. Did I actually deserve that positive feedback? Or were they just being nice?

I’ve tried to stop overthinking in that vein, but it can be hard to train yourself out of that habit. I’m making this post to help myself unlearn that pattern of thinking, and I hope it helps you too!

It’s completely normal

One of the most important things to keep in mind if you’re suffering from imposter syndrome is that you are not alone. Every single writer suffers from imposter syndrome at some point during their career--yes, every single writer. Even if you’re super confident in yourself and your writing, there will be times when you don’t feel that way. And that’s okay! Imposter syndrome does not make you any less of a writer. You are valid and you deserve to be appreciated!

Talk to someone

It’s great to have a support group that you can turn to whenever you need assistance or just some kind words. Talking about these feelings is vital to overcoming them. Together, you can brainstorm ways to boost your confidence and self-worth as a writer.

Many writers will internalize their struggle with imposter syndrome because they may be afraid that if they talk about it, someone will confirm that they are a fraud. But getting things off your chest, especially to someone who likely knows exactly what you’re talking about, is a great step towards regaining your confidence!

Remind yourself of your hard work

This especially applies to those who have had success with their writing, but are now doubting the validity of their achievements and questioning whether they really deserve them. Sound familiar?

If you start to feel like your writing success is due to luck, chance or accident...let me stop you right there. Take a moment to remind yourself of all the hard work that went into getting you where you are today. Remember the countless hours you’ve poured into your WIP(s)? Remember the passion, dedication and effort you’ve put into your darlings?

Determination and hard work got you to where you are, not a clever ruse or a lucky break. You’ve earned every bit of success you’ve achieved. So instead of second-guessing your achievements, reward and congratulate yourself on them. You deserve it!

Remember positive feedback

If you find your mind being overtaken by negative thoughts, take some time to remember the positive feedback you’ve been given on your work. This could be feedback on a submission or competition entry, comments from reviewers or beta readers, or even just a positive word or two from someone you know.

Writers suffering from imposter syndrome inherently believe that they’re not actually good at writing at all, even when there’s evidence that says otherwise. To overcome this, you need to accept what others are saying about you; you need to believe the positive comments as much as they do.

First, try to get out of the habit of automatically dismissing positive feedback. Many writers will find themselves reacting negatively to praise–denying or brushing off compliments instead of listening to and thanking people for them. This needs to change if you’re going to overcome impostor syndrome. This doesn’t mean that you can’t still be modest about praise, but it does mean that you can’t be self-deprecating. Establish what your strengths and talents are and accept them. Let yourself believe that you are a real writer, and a good one at that!

Keep writing

It can be hard--sometimes it feels impossible. But as a writer, the best way to defy feelings of fraudulence and self-doubt is to keep writing, no matter what.  Rediscovering the passion and dedication that drew you towards writing in the first place is vital to your self-esteem! The most important thing you can do is keep going.

People suffering from impostor syndrome believe that they aren’t "real” writers. The only definition for a "real" writer is "someone who writes things". So, if you stop writing, you’re only giving more weight to your own fears. Keep writing, whatever it takes. Consistently writing will also ensure you’re consistently improving, which in turn will boost your confidence. And sometimes just that confidence boost, or that renewed sense of passion and purpose in your writing, will be all it takes to help you overcome impostor syndrome!

[sanzu-sanzu-sanzu]

compliments by sano manjiro

Sano Manjiro (Mikey) X Reader / slight fluff, established friendship, a study on...girls

—

Manjiro had used to think it strange that you rarely ever smiled in photographs, or that you even agreed to get your photo taken at all. (Although it only usually took a minute of Baji’s pestering and/or Mitsuya’s polite request for you to finally give in, but that’s beside the point.)

He remembers your eyes, the way they concentrated in the distance, as you quietly contemplated because nobody had ever asked you this before. “I just don’t like seeing my face in pictures, that’s all.” And you explained, in good humor and with an air of flimsiness, that Oh, you sorta didn’t like the way your cheeks looked (puffy) when you stretched your mouth into a smile, that’s why. And you laughed briefly like it’s actually funny, and Manjiro was quietly reeling inside his head ‘cause that same, puffy-cheeked smile was the same one you gave him that first day in kindergarten when you were little, as he looked up after (accidentally) tripping face-first into the playground’s bushes and there you were with that silly little smile on your face, admiring the flower that had stuck on his hair.

A good chunk of his childhood up until that point had been spent on chasing after that smile, he’d only then realized.

“But you’re smiling now,” he said out of impulse, and he’d almost regretted the words when your face slowly shifted to a neutral expression and you went back to thinking. But then your eyes cleared and your face brightened again, and you were once again facing him with that smile that he loved, albeit softer and more private now. And Manjiro thought maybe the thing they said about time stopping still was true, after all.

“Well, ‘cause it’s you.” You shrugged, like he ought to have known. “So it’s fine.”

You were always thinking, Manjiro had noticed. You thought about how others felt, how others saw you; you thought about your friends and asked about their dreams and that grammar homework they couldn’t quite get a hang on; you sometimes even stressed over problems that seemingly didn’t have to be problems at all and yet you still took the time to think through.

Like that one time a boy from school had asked you to be his girlfriend. A boy that you liked and had known for some time (nope, Manjiro didn’t care) yet still turned down. Manjiro had been curious though and because you were friends, you gave him your honest account.

“He said he liked me ‘cause I was ‘not like the other girls.’” You sighed, sadly, yet he thought there was also something else. A hint of frustration if one squinted.

He looked at you from the side of his eye and kept the ‘But you are not like the other girls’ down his throat because apparently something about it made you upset. If you were to ask him though, he’d just consider it the truth, but then he wasn’t you and he wasn’t going to get any answer just by staring.

“Is that wrong?” he asked quietly, unsurely because this seemed to be important to you. You smiled at him, endeared.

“Well, the thing is, I am like the other girls. And I like being like the other girls. The way he said it it’s like there’s something wrong with being one in the first place that he thinks I don’t have so I must be better than the rest…But I like being a girl and hanging out with girls and I bet if he’s made friends with just about any other girl, he’d say the same thing…that she’s funny, maybe she’s weird…and interesting in her own way. And I don’t know…he doesn’t even know me.”

It was when Manjiro had realized that if the guy had only said I would like to get to know you better instead of already making an assumption as to who you were, then maybe, just maybe, you’d have given him a chance. And that how very lucky he was that you were friends because he could know you.

Words, he’d slowly come to realize, carried a lot of meaning for you, that while others were content with surface answers and meanings, you always dug deep and seemed to be seeing more than others did.

It’s why he rethinks the ‘I think you look pretty when you smile’—and yes, he really, actually does, but maybe that’s for some other day—as a way of convincing you to smile for him right now as he points the camera at your face, instead saying,

“But I love your smile, it looks very genuine and happy.”

…and mean it. Because it’s your birthday today and you’re surrounded by friends and he can see the mirth in your eyes and it’s the happiest he’s ever seen you, and all he wants is to cut out this moment in time and keep it safe in the palm of his hands forever—a balled-up, well-kept ray of sunlight, of sorts, to save for your rainy day.

You roll your eyes good-humoredly, lightly shake your head. “Na-uh, Manjiro, I already told you. Come on, give me the cam and let me take a picture of all my friends instead.”

“Please, hey,” he says, catching your wrist. There’s that girlish smile on your lips once again and he knows it’s only a matter of time before he convinces you. He takes your chin lightly in one hand so he can look at you straight in the eye.

“When you look at this photo again when we’re older, you’re gonna remember how happy you are today. I hope seeing the way you’re smiling right now would keep Future You from feeling sad, in any way.”

He doesn’t take his eyes away as he drinks in every part of your face, as he strokes the underside of your lower lip, and smiles.

You don’t move in to hug him but the look you’re giving him seems to be equivalent to one. Instead, you inch a little bit closer and stand on your tiptoes so you’re almost nose to nose.

“That is actually quite romantic and sweet. I really like that,” you almost whisper, not breaking eye contact.

“You’re always into very corny things,” he half-whispers back, breaking into a grin. To that, you only roll your eyes again before you fix your positions and he finally gets to have your photo taken.

“Well, how is it?”

It’s perfect, he says, it always is, looking up from the cam and then at you, meaning it ‘cause it’s the one truth he knows. A lot of things has changed and will keep changing still; a lot of things to learn and unlearn, and words to juggle and learn to say. But you’re still you and you are here and this is all he’ll ever really ask for.

.

.

you’re the first and last of your kind 

.

.

#sano manjiro #mikey x reader #mikey x you #mikey x y/n #sano manjiro x reader #sano manjiro x you #sano manjiro x y/n #manjiro x reader #manjiro x you #manjiro x y/n #sano mikey manjiro #mikey sano manjiro #tokyo revengers #tokyo revengers x you #tokyo revengers x y/n #toman #toman x you #toman x reader #tokyo manji #tokyo revengers fanfiction #mikey #mikey tokyo revengers #mikey manjiro #tokyo revengers fluff #tokyo revengers headcanons #alt j #tokrev #tokyorev #tok rev #tokyo rev

[p-antomime]

i will, my love.

— minors don't interact.

— wc: 4K.

content + warnings: 18+, including: soft dom!suna, pet names, fingering, oral (female), unprotected sex, worship, really soft sex tbh, virginity loss

pairings: boyfriend!suna rintarō x virgin!fem!reader

— haikyuu masterlist.

Your thoughts were eating you up inside. But not quickly, in a way that hardly hurt your soul, but, yes, too slowly, because of this, naturally your body started to work that much harder to get to the end of the day exhausted so that there was no opening for you to think about it.

Y/N was not entirely sure that her boyfriend realized this, but considering how observant he is, it was naturally possible that he was just waiting for a good opportunity to bring up the subject and find out what was making "his princess" so uncomfortable.

In reality, your fear was that Suna thought that the problem was something involving you, or worse, that you were about to break up with him after a long 1 year and four months of dating, but the problem was more specific and, for you, secretly more embarrassing, especially when your friends told you that "you are too old to be a virgin". Every time the group of friends of the two of you got into the subject of "sex life", you walked away and made up a bad excuse to leave the place, sometimes taking Suna along or sometimes leaving him behind; and the few times when there was no way out and the two of you were put up against the wall, Suna would reply that "you're both waiting for the right time" and you could see the look of disappointment not in him, but in his friends.

Suna was extremely patient with you, and although you actually thought it was the least he could do for you as the person he loves, your mind persisted in whispering in your ear that he would get tired of waiting. It wasn't as if Y/N was a holy prude, far from it, but every time he tried to comfort you with his arms around your body while his lips were pressed against yours in a deep and intense kiss and his hips thrust against yours in an attempt to demonstrate that his body needed yours, you felt too eager and refused to move forward with that brief signal; and all these times you could hear Suna in the bathroom using his own hand to masturbate because the walls were so thin in the apartment shared between you and your classmate.

Did you feel guilty for not fucking him during all this time of dating? No... until last week when a girl approached him while you and his friends were leaving for the movies and asked if she could have his number. It wasn't as if Suna had paid any attention to the girl, but you felt as if there were thousands of young girls your age or older ready to give him anything he wanted in a matter of minutes, especially to let you slip between their legs without a care in the world.

And today was the day when Y/N had the day off to do whatever he and his roommate wanted, so it turned out that it didn't take long for Suna Rintarou to be lazily lying on the couch in the living room of the apartment shared between his girlfriend and another girl from her college course while you were looking for a movie for both of you to watch. You could feel his watchful, calm gaze glued to your back, but your body didn't want to turn around to face him.

— What is it? — You asked, still looking at the TV remote control.

— You seem strange these days. — He said, in the same eerily calm tone he always used, he was trying to get you against the wall by using the same old words so as not to make you feel afraid.

— Do I? — It was obvious that you were going to try to talk him out of it, and it wasn't long before you heard a rustle behind you that indicated that Suna was now sitting on the couch instead of lying down, and his hands came down on your shoulders, massaging them lightly; only at that particular moment did you realize how tense they were.

— Do you want to talk about it, or do I need to tear it out of you? I can tickle you until you talk... or kiss you until you suffocate, you choose. — A light laugh escaped his lips and yours fingers briefly unlearned how to flick the TV remote control.

— I've just... been thinking a lot these days, but it's no big deal. — You shrugged your shoulders trying to look nonchalant, but Suna put his hand on your chin and made you face him.

— Really? So, you wouldn't mind repeating that by looking me in the eye, would you? — He raised his eyebrows suggestively, and you frowned.

— You don't believe me?

— Not after watching you act so strange all week, not after yesterday you didn't even want to participate in the video game night at the twins' house. — He leaned his face on her shoulder and frowned. — Tell me what's wrong, and I'll fix it for you. — You bit your lip nervously and chose to look away from the television again. — Has anyone annoyed you this week? Is someone at the college treating you badly? Was it something I did?

Y/N knew that there was a high chance that Suna would throw several questions at her to get to the root of what was being the nuisance as soon as he felt she was comfortable around him, but she didn't expect it to be this soon and that he wouldn't give her time to come up with the slightest plausible excuse.

And after Suna's voice died down, an uneasy, tense silence settled over the room, and you ended up turning around so that you could look at him.

— Does the fact that I didn't want to have sex with you during these months of dating bother you? — It was his turn to feel embarrassed and choke on his own saliva.

— What? — He coughed a few times, feeling as if he had heard you wrong.

— You heard me. — You leaned your arms on his legs and looked at him intently as his calm and serene countenance returned.

— Is this the problem? Lack of sex? I thought you didn't want me to go through with this yet. — His hands brushed against her cheeks and caressed them with his fingertips. — Did you change your mind?

— Answer my question and I'll answer yours.

— It doesn't bother me, really. I will wait for years to have sex with you, if you decide to keep me waiting that long. — Suna answered calmly, and slowly the tension inside you dissolved. — I thought you didn't care so much about this, if you hadn't we would have talked more about it, if you had wanted to.

— I was just... insecure, because you never complain about it, and I feel that your friends look at you like you are with me out of pity every time the topic of "sex" comes up. — Y/N replied returning to focusing on the TV remote. — And... — Her teeth bit the inside of her cheek before her lips whispered more to you than to Suna: —, maybe I changed my mind.

— What, babe? I couldn't hear you properly. — Suna put his arms around your waist and pulled you up, and you felt your cheeks begin to heat up.

— I didn't say anything.

— Repeat what you said before. — His tone dropped an octave and a shiver ran down your back slowly.

— I said I might have changed my mind. — You swallowed hard, staring him straight in the eye for a few seconds before feeling intimidated and staring at the back of the sofa behind him.

— Hmm, really? — Suna rested one hand on your chin while the other rested against your waist to pull you up to sit on his thighs, after which he kissed your lips lightly. — Do you truly want this or are you doing this just because you think it's what I want? — He asked, running his thumb over your lower lip.

— I do. — You answered, shifting into a more comfortable position on his lap and looking down from his eyes to his mouth. — Give me the best of yourself that you can.—  Your hands rested on his shoulders, and the thought of having him freely explore your body made butterflies rise in the pit of your stomach.

— I will, my love. — Suna replied with a slight smile before he really kissed you hard and slowly reached inside your gray tank top with his fingers.

His touch was soft, tender, with fingertips rubbing against the skin of your back slowly, as if massaging it, and then moving down the front of your torso to gently reach your breasts. He was really trying to make you as comfortable as possible, as relaxed as possible, and you couldn't help yourself but have your heart melting under the influence of Suna Rintarou.

When the two of you had to break the kiss because of the missing air, it wasn't long before Suna's lips left wet kisses down your neck and his fingers massaged and squeezed your breasts lovingly before he began to play with your nipples and you gasped because your boyfriend's touch seemed to amplify your own pleasure. It wasn't as if you had never masturbated, quite the opposite in fact, but it was different when another person was touching you.

— Are you sure? — He asked, pulling his lips away from the warm skin of your neck and looking down at you with his hands still around your tits.

— Yes, I'm absolutely sure. — You answered inevitably, forcing your hips against his for more friction. — Please, love. — Your hands reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it up to expose his upper body.

— Great, babe. — Suna kissed your collarbones and rose from the sofa, pulling you along with him, making you clutch his shoulders in despair at the sudden action. — It would suck if your first time with me was on the living room couch, wouldn't it? — You felt your cheeks heat up and lean your head on his shoulder, nodding positively. — You're my princess, so it's only fair that I treat you like one in the bedroom. — And so he carried you to your room, and when he got there, he locked the door and let you lie on the bed looking at your body intently.

As soon as his hands brushed against your tank top and moved it out of the way, Suna was licking and sucking one of your breasts carefully while his other hand squeezed your other nipple, moans escaping from deep in your throat filled the place obscenely and your head fell back against the pillows as your legs opened to better accommodate your boyfriend's body between them.

— Fuck, you are so beautiful. — Suna whispered, sliding his lips down your abdomen and sending a shiver down your back that made you tangle your fingers in his brown hair and try to force your hips up to signal to him where exactly you needed him. — Don't be impatient, I need to take my time with you, it's your first time. — He kissed lightly on the top point of her pelvis and her body shivered.

In the next few seconds, Suna was undoing your thin pajama shorts and leaving you in only your panties while his fingers ghosted down your knees and thighs slowly. The anticipation and expectation were eating you up inside and it was inevitable that high-pitched moans would come from your lips, your body was literally burning for him and your vision seemed about to go blurry at any moment. And he hadn't even done anything sexual with you yet.

— It's so easy to get you horny it's almost cute. — Suna murmured more to himself than to you as he kissed your covered pussy and made you squirm.

Over the fabric of your panties, he gave you a gentle lick along the entire area of your intimacy before actually moving it out of the way and slowly pushing your folds apart. It was almost as if you had been longing for years to belong to him, and Suna couldn't help himself before grunting and teasing your clit with the tip of his tongue. The wave of pleasure that washed over your body was intense enough to make you arch your back painfully and pull his hair tightly as loud moans came from your lips.

— So sweet, I've been thinking about your pussy for so long. — Suna said before he gave a few more licks against your intimacy and entered your interior with just one finger slowly, but he stopped in the middle of the process when he heard a low grunt of pain coming from you, probably because his finger was longer than yours and reached places that had not been widened before. — Tell me if it hurts too much, I can go slower on you, my love. — He kissed your inner left thigh lightly and slowly continued to put his finger in, only to let you get used to it.

— Can you move... please? — You asked breathlessly, propping yourself up on your elbows.

— Sure. — Suna answered with a loving look before he began to move his finger slowly inside you and feeling his own arousal increase as he saw your face contort with pleasure before your head fell back again.

As he increased the speed of that single finger and analyzed your expressions of pleasure and your thrusts of trying to force your hips up for more friction, Suna slowly introduced a second digit into you and massaged your clit with the thumb of that same hand. His lips left biting and sucking on your thighs with no intention of actually marking them, only to make you lose yourself further in pure lust. Minutes later, when your moans already indicated that your insides had gotten used to the widening of two fingers, a third one was introduced and slowly your boyfriend began to really build up a rhythm that made your mind forget absolutely everything. There was only: Suna Rintarou and his ambition to make you feel good.

— Damn, you're so beautiful, I could pleasure you for hours and never get tired of looking at your beautiful face. You're my pretty girl, aren't you? — You couldn't formulate a coherent sentence, not when his fingers were curving in that overpowering way inside you. — Always so good for me, so sweet for me. — Suna took your clit between his lips gently before he began to use his fingers to make scissor-like movements to widen your insides as much as possible.

— Fuck, babe... — You gasped, feeling the same pressure in your lower abdomen that was present every time you were about to cum using your own fingers. — It's s-so good, please... I... — Your train of thought short-circuited as your boyfriend's licks on your clit became more consistent and responsive, your hips thrusting upward frantically.

— Yes, my love, I know, cum for me. I know you want to. — He responded by increasing the speed of the fingers inside you.

A few more thrusts widening your insides were enough to have you collapsing against your boyfriend's body, breath panting, eyes rolling and hands desperately trying to grab hold of any piece of his skin you could get your hands on. You were finished, to say the least. The feeling of having someone making you cum, especially with fingers much longer than yours own, was overwhelmingly different than having you touch yourself. Suna had never pleasured you in that direct way before, so he needed to assess your expressions and body language to know what made you most comfortable, but it only took seconds before he adjusted the right pressure and rhythm to have you completely melting.

— You're such a good girl to me, I love you. — Your boyfriend slowly withdrew his fingers from inside you and moved from between your legs to plant kisses on the surface of your belly while complimenting you in the best possible ways, even though your mind was too busy recovering from the recent orgasm to actually pay attention to what Suna was saying. — Do you think you can handle cumming one more time for me, or do you want me to stop? — He asked, holding her face between his hands after leaving several light kisses all over her cheeks and lips.

— I-I can, yes, don't stop. I want more.

— What a good princess. — Suna whispered against yours lips opening a loving smile and it was almost as if it was possible to see hearts drawing in his pupils.

After that, the rest of his clothes were spread out on the floor around the bed and maybe, just maybe, an apprehension settled inside you as your eyes traveled down your boyfriend's athletic and now naked body and found the length of his cock. He was definitely above average and this made you unconsciously drag your body away a little, which did not go unnoticed by Suna, who put his hands on your lower back and squeezed it lightly as if to reassure you.

— Do you trust me? — He asked, leaning over your body and pulling you close again, your response was a slight positive nod. — If I said it wouldn't hurt, I'd be lying, but if you need me to stop, let me know. Don't be afraid to let me know everything you're feeling, okay, my love?

You responded with a minimal "Yes, Suna" to him and rested your hands on his shoulders, inevitably digging your nails into them as you felt him spread your legs to wrap them around his waist and place the tip of his cock against your entrance. He rubbed his cock between your folds a few times before holding you firmly and slowly invading your interior. You could feel every inch, every vein, but for the first few seconds the pain overpowered the pleasure and small tears rolled down your cheeks. You felt extremely breathless, as if your body was going to break, so Suna leaned over your body to wipe away yours tears with kisses and leaned his forehead against yours without being able to hold back a low grunt from the pleasure of having you squeeze him hard and the pain of feeling your nails raking the skin of his shoulders.

— My beautiful girl, relax, trust me. — He whispered, sliding his mouth down your neck and massaging your back gently. — You can relax for me, can't you? You can be a good girl for me, can't you? — His eyes were staring into yours seriously.

— Y-Yes, Suna, I can... just... — Your breath caught in throat as you felt him slowly continue to fill your insides until he could make you swallow him down. — Give me a few minutes, I'll be your good girl.

— Of course you will. — Suna stood completely still inside you, kissed your collarbones and licked your breasts lightly, never stoping to massage your lower back to give you the comfort he knew you needed.

Leaning your head against the pillows, you concentrated on making the feeling of discomfort and pain gradually disappear. Slowly your body began to move back and forth until you became accustomed to the presence of Suna's cock stretching you completely. Yours senses began to want more of that pleasurable impact, and soon the same spasms as before began to run through your back again.

— S-Suna? — You called him slyly and in a slurred voice. — C-Can you move, please?

— Sure, babe, anything for you. — He pulled you into a deep, loveable kiss before holding your face between his hands and beginning to move inside you, he was trying to analyze your expressions before he began to build up a proper pace.

Suna found that his girlfriend liked it too much when he arched his hips and came hard inside her, but came out slowly, in contrasting movements, so he did this several times just to see you squirming and begging for more of him. It was music to his ears. Your boyfriend's hands lodged around your waist and assisted you in moving back and forth on his dick as his knees rested against the mattress of the bed. At no time did he stop worshipping you and calling you affectionate nicknames through whispers in yours ears that would hardly be heard outside the room because of the sound of the bed banging against the wall and the moans coming out of your mouth.

The pleasure was overwhelming all of your ability to think rationally and yours lips were too busy alternating between giving lewd kisses against Suna's and taking light bites all over his neck. You could literally feel every bit of his skin against yours and it was driving you madder than you could or wanted to admit. The words of love he whispered to you were the complete opposite of his deep, strong thrusts inside you. But, as the minutes passed and your own boyfriend couldn't contain the erratic movements of his cock inside you, he switched positions leaving you on top of him. For the first few seconds your body almost came to a complete standstill with the new depth attained by his entire length and you couldn't help having curses come out of your mouth.

— I-It's so good... — Your body moved up and down against his cock slowly, wanting to prolong that feeling of having him stretching you. Watching you intently, Suna thrusts hard while holding your hips and moaned in unison with you because of the delicious sensation.

— Damn, you're so tight, you take me so well. — He pulled your torso to lean against his and let you partially lie on his body before he began thrusting himself deep inside you, hitting all the right spots inside you.

Everything about him seemed to push you to climax faster than you thought possible. Face flushed slightly, chest rising and falling rapidly, eyes half-closed, shoulders tense and mouth ajar to try to draw in more air. He looked more handsome than usual and completely given to you. That was definitely the man of your life; that's what was resonating in your mind as the tip of Suna's cock began to rub against your cervix and make you lose your head completely, finally reaching your second orgasm that had already left your senses bewildered, considering it was only your first time.

Suna still had so much to show you, he'd be lying if he said he wasn't excited by the idea of helping you figure out what you liked and didn't like about sex, but by now you were exhausted, so he ended up giving you just a few more thrusts against your walls that squeezed him deliciously before he pulled out and ended up cumming all over his own abdomen and soiling your thighs with some of his cum as well. You staggered to the side and he quickly helped you lie down on the bed as comfortably as possible, for a few seconds neither of you said anything, your boyfriend wanted you to first get your breath completely back.

— Did I hurt you? — He leaned on your shoulders and looked at you intently. — It was... — You interrupted him with a quick little kiss and smiled fondly.

— It was wonderful, I swear. It was better than I thought it would be, in fact, I thought it would hurt more. — It was hard to see Suna's cheeks flush, and this moment will go down in your memory as one of the few times your boyfriend was embarrassed. — I love you, you're perfect for me.

And after the two of you spent long seconds lying in bed exchanging kisses and caresses, Suna induced you to go take a shower with him to clean yourself and then "you both could do whatever you wanted for the rest of the day", because, he said during the shower:, aftercare was important, especially for "his princess”.

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