#and miss me with all that bullshit about them growing up aware of monsters and yada yada yada

[wild-wombytch]

I learned from "Punk Santa", the punk who gave me the CDs today -and who happened to have known my father- that someone I knew died last week. I'm not taking it really well.

(under the cut because it's a long vent of many many messy thoughts and also tw moid, you don't have to read about men, and tw child abuse and death)

It's fucked up because I'm aware I'm likely idolising him and that maybe if I saw him again before he died I would now find him as awful as the next man...but he was oddly extremely dear and important to me, because he was the one normal and not creepy adult I had when I grew up. By being normal he was the anomaly of my world. The one kind man I ever knew growing up, way before my middle-school teachers. He saw me with my curly hair and patiently listened to me enthusiastically talk about insects and horses and videogames for hours, asking questions and stuff, joking, encouraging me to express my views and emotions, explaining things to me wisely, defending me when my father belittled me and made me cry and scolding drunk other guests who would have inappropriate vocabulary or discussions around me. He was younger than my parents but much more responsible and caring than my father ever was. He was Yugoslav. The man born in a country that didn't exist anymore. He had six younger sisters he raised with his single mother. He was into drugs and shits but that's why he never had a partner that I ever heard of, because he said he knew he was a walking problem and his life sucked and didn't want to drag someone into this. He never said he was feminist like all these libfem men, he just respected women. Or at least he seemed so to me as a little girl who grew up with the worse examples of men around, including men pissing with the toilet door open. Even my mother said she wished she saw him again and that he was a green flag. One of my doggo who died two months before my father was the baby of his dog. I remember playing with her pups in the backyard of this man. I was the one who taught them how to respond to whistling.

One day, to cheer me up after some verbal abuse from my father that made me cry, I don't remember the exact context, but he said jokingly he'd marry me (in a very non-creepy way, that wasn't serious at all). I believe it was after some shit my father told me about being so gross or temperamental as a person that nobody would ever want me or some shit (when I was like. Five).

We stopped seeing him after he called out my father on his bullshits in my and my mother's defence, because my father likely "blacklisted" him from his circles then. We never really knew the whole story. Maybe it was also sickening to him to be powerless about the situation my mother and I were in. He was genuinely sorry for us.

I don't know. I missed him. I've been thinking about him this year and for months I was frantically searching for him, asking every gutter punk about him, asking an acquaintance if by any chance the guy with the same name he mention could be him...I really believed it was a question of time before our paths crossed again. I dreamt about him and me going to a travel together 2-3 weeks ago, with him listening to my enthusiastic talk about horses and being happy to catch up after I was confronted with weird monsters...I never dreamt about him before. I should've known.

It's hurting maybe more than losing a family member in a way. Apparently he was sick or something like that and didn't go get treatment. He died alone. Not long after his dog, who birthed the one I had. I don't even know this man's family name. His exact age. His birthday.

I feel sick. It's not my fault or responsibility, yet I can't help but wonder...what if I met "Punk Santa" three weeks ago? He knew about this man, he could've told me where he lived. I could've seen him one last time. Maybe kick his ass to go to the hospital. Maybe he wouldn't have died. He was at most in his early fifty. He had so many years before him. I can't believe it was his time yet. I missed him by one week and now I'll never see him again. I quite literally do not care about anyone who was around me when I grew up, if they die painfully (except "Punk Santa", grandpa's cool), in all honesty, they probably deserve it, but this man...I don't know if it's because I'm not in a great place psychologically but it's really messing me up. My actual self doesn't feel much connection with my past self due to the severe depersonalisation, derealisation and ptsd I experience, so I'm numb, but when I think of the little girl who is still somewhere inside of me, she's absolutely devastated and heartbroken and suddenly I can't stop crying. And there is this obvious fracture inside of me where all of these emotions mix up and are so hard to identify and deal with. It's unfair. Of all those awful men, he was the one who least deserved it.

I don't know why, but I needed to see him again. My soul needed it. One week...it's cruel. Very cruel. What even happened there? I can't stop thinking about this man and the little girl inside of me. Caring and looking out for each others and failing. It's like a tragedy from a fictional story except it's real.

I don't know, maybe I'm too sappy and probably cringe right now...I'm a big mess. It's like another bridge to my past violently collapsed and with it a pillar that saw my construction as a person.

And I'm hurt that I was invited to exactly one wedding in my whole life, yet I buried almost all the people I ever cared about. My maternal grandparents when I was four and six. My maternal great uncle when I was 14. My father when I was newly 19. My favourite paternal uncle a few months later. My dog who's been with me since I was 6-7. Now this kind man.

Now I just have two uncles, my mother, my paternal grandmother who I die to see but can't due to lack of transportation. Two brothers who don't care about me despite how much I try to heal our relationships, fucked by our father. Aside from my brothers, my left family is aging fast and badly and won't stay around for long. When they're gone, I'm alone. Completely, utterly alone. And homeless. But mostly alone.

I live with death. I die more everyday I live. I see it as fair and transformative, usually. I'm not afraid if it. Sometimes I seek it. Sometimes I feel less alone in its arms. I look at it in the eyes and accept it as a part of nature. Raw, indiscriminate, merciful. I don't see it as cruel, except this one time. This was unfair. Why?

And I'm tired. It's like trying and failing to wash again and again a cloth that keeps getting bloodied like the kannerez noz. My infinite task that I'm trapped with is grieving others and swallowing the pain. It hurts that I know more of death than joy. It hurts that I simply know that my life won't be super awful but also won't ever know major joys. I'll just keep burying people. Put band aids emotionally. Move on. Wait and see who's next. I'll continue reading the death records carefully every time I open a newspaper. Sometimes I'll recognise a name vaguely and wonder who it was to me. Sometimes it will be strangers and I will imagine their lives based on the informations.

...I don't even know what happened to the body of that man. I hope his sisters took care of it well. I wish I could've attended the funeral if there was one. Maybe it would've helped. But right now...it's awful.

#Tañ ha Gerioù #tw death #tw moid #tw child abuse #tw negativity #vent post

[sobsicles]

"something wicked this way comes" season 1 episode 18 really Did That, huh? not only did they go the hag route, but they dived into j*hn's Unrealistic Expectations for dean as a ten or eleven year old child (and younger, but that's when it's set in the episode). fully just acknowledged that j*hn blamed dean for not looking after sam, treating it genuinely like it was dean's job instead of his own, and then treating him noticably different when, by his standards, dean "messed up". dean carried that mistake with him until it festered, and sam said it best in the episode. paraphrasing but, "i give you a lot of crap about taking dad's orders, but i know why you do it." and that's exactly it—dean does what his dad orders because he was literally trained to and made to believe anything he did outside of those orders, anything he did for himself, would end in fucking up. and there's something to dean not trying to force michael to be bait without him knowing first, as well as giving him the out if he changed his mind. dean said, "if you changed your mind, it's okay, you can tell me. i won't be mad," and ive just got to fucking wonder how it's an instinct for him to reassure a kid that he won't be angry if he's scared. almost like he knows what that's like, to be scared and have the adult figure around him get angry at him for it. hm. also never going to get over the fact that sam admitted that he wished he could have some innocence to him (aka not knowing about the life or monsters) and dean said, "for what it's worth, sometimes i wish you could, too." not himself. sam. it's never about him, and that's all he knows.

#john winchesters a+ parenting #j*hn winchester can choke #and miss me with all that bullshit about them growing up aware of monsters and yada yada yada #THEY WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO LIVE THAT LIFE IF J*HN HADN'T FORCED IT ON THEM #im just unfuckingwell about dean winchesters childhood. or lack thereof. and sam's too for that matter. #s1 dean really was just windup toy that could only sing one song #god he had no liberty or control over his own life. his life wasnt even his life. #it was fully signed over to sam. and it was signed in his dad's signature. #dean never got a choice in the matter. he never got a life. #rewatching s1 with everything i know about the show is literally killing me. #i literally cried when dean admitted that he wanted them all to be a family again #and sam was like 'its never going to be like it used to be and i dont want it to' while dean looked like he'd been slapped #i felt like i had been slapped and i cried and it was very dean-coded of me i know but that shit HURTED #also michael was the first dean-coded child on the show so jot that down #also DEAN AND KIDS!!! DEAN AND KIDS!!! DEAN AND KIDS!!! #he's so good with kids i cry #sobs says things #sobs rewatches spn

[iheartbookbran]

Ok so actually my biggest problem with the whole “Daenerys will burn KL” theory—not even the Mad Queen Dany theory, which is of course very sexist for obvious reasons, but just like, the idea that Dany will ~accidentally~ ignite the wildfire in the city, burning it all to the ground. That, at first, doesn’t sound that bad, but the longer I think about it the more I hate it because tbh it doesn’t do anything for her character? And also… that fate for her is just down right cruel.

Like, the most frequent argument I see on why this would be at all satisfactory for Dany’s arc is basically that it would be a sort of lesson for her about the dangers of unchecked power and the real threat the Dragons can pose on humans and that she shouldn’t use them to fight against other people. And that’s all well and good, excellent message… except that’s not something Dany’s ever really needed to learn? Not anymore that her fellow rulers, which I will touch on more detail later, but in general Dany has seen what the abuse of power can do. Starting with her conflicting feelings regarding Viserys and how she recognizes that even though he was her brother and she loved him, he also abused his power over her as her older brother, her only family and her king; she feels guilt about the atrocities Drogo committed to the lhazarene and tries to help them; she feels so much guilt about not handling things correctly in Astapor that she decides to throw away all her plans to go to Westeros and instead stays in Meereen.

And about not knowing the true danger that her dragons can pose? I mean, this is the same girl that literally agonizes across several of her ADWD chapters because Drogon killed a child, and then takes the extreme measure of caging Rhaegal and Viserion to prevent that from ever happening again. I think she’s at least a little bit aware that the dragons can be dangerous, thank you very much.

Ok so this got long...

Anyways, the only time Dany legit uses Drogon to harm someone and not just as bluff was at the house of the Undying, where she was being attacked, and in Astapor… and like, lmao, that asshole Kraznys mo Nakloz and the rest of his slaver buddies deserved it. Don’t at me. Also, Dany’s hardly the only one with a big magical and deadly beast at her disposal, why didn’t Robb had to go through some horrifying traumatic incident to learn he shouldn’t use Grey Wind in battle to tear his enemies’ throats. Bran will be learning about the dangers of abusing power, but that’s linked to his magic powers and an actual reprehensible thing he’s doing, not the use of his glorified prehistoric dog to kill, which he’s done, just like Robb. By all means let the narrative hold Dany accountable for her mistakes… but her actual mistakes and not shit she has no control over, because she doesn’t have much control over Drogon or the other dragons even though she’s trying to, and that’s very obvious in her last ADWD chapter where she’s delirious and Drogon could kill her at any moment, and she knows that.

The other big argument people make for Dany burning KL (even if it’s by accident!) is that it will teach her about the price of war, that someone as young as her shouldn’t be leading armies and conquering kingdoms, and that fighting for the Iron Throne is not a worthy cause, and I feel like that misses the actual point of her story by a mile. First of all because a) Dany is hardly the only teenage ruler in the story and b) this is a fantasy medieval story, a lot of the characters shouldn’t be doing the things they do, aaaand yet. Also speaking of other teenage rulers with far more power that they should have—Robb and Jon, being the biggest examples.

Granted, Robb and Jon aren’t exactly successful during their time as rulers, they’re literally betrayed and killed by their own men (even if Jon will technically come back for round 2 of bullshit he’s too tired for). But the moral of their stories is not that they lost because theirs was an unworthy cause and they were stupid kids wholly unprepared for their roles. And I actually partially agree! They are just kids, including Dany, and they shouldn’t be responsible for looking after so many others and going to battle, but their cause is still just and worthy, even with all the mistakes they make along the way. Robb didn’t loose because he was wrong in demanding justice for his family or trying to protect the riverlands from the Lannisters and their minions, he lost because Tywin Lannister was a giant coward who couldn’t take him out in a fair fight.

Likewise, it isn’t wrong of Jon to try to incorporate refugees from beyond the Wall into Westeros. He’s not too stupid and honorable to do politics like his father (how I hate when people insult Jon and Ned like that), and while he did some very obvious mistakes that inevitably ended in a coup and in him dying, this is more connected to his inability to let go of his ties with his family (mainly Arya or who he believes to be her), and in isolating himself from his friends and the people he could actually trust.

I’ve always thought that Dany and Jon share a parallel narrative within the story, so while Jon is struggling with that Dany is faced with similar problems. She cages her dragons, that to her represent the only family she has left, and she tries to compromise with the slavers, marry a man she doesn’t love, pretend she’s ok with reopening the fighting pit. While she tries her best to rule wisely in Meereen, it all comes at the cost of betraying herself and her beliefs, so it’s no surprise when it all crashes around her and she’s betrayed and nearly killed. Ironically, it is Drogon who comes to rescue her.

If they are monsters, so am I.—Daenerys II, ADWD.

This is hands down one of my favorite Dany quotes from the whole series, and I hate that it’s been given such a negative connotation in the fandom, when for me it represents Dany’s humanity and compassion at the fullest.

GRRM has a knack for humanizing the ‘monsters’ of his story, for showing the good in the outcasts and the ugly and the scary. He embraces their ‘otherness’ and makes them the heroes of his stories; Arya, Bran, Brienne, Dany, Tyrion, Jon, Theon and many others are all compared to monsters or beasts at one point or another in the books.

Dany sees herself in her dragons, literal monsters in every sense of the word. Later on she faces Drogon inside the pit, and in that moment you could say that she accepts that ‘monstrous’ part of her, and in doing so she’s saved from her fate of dying at the hands of the men who would crucify innocent children and gleefully profit off of the suffering of their fellow human beings while watching them fight each other to the death for their own amusement. Now tell me who’s the real monster in this situation.

But shortly before that happens, Dany is able to see the humanity in Tyrion, an outcast who has been branded as monstrous and unlovable due to his disability all his life, a man who has come to believe in his abusers’ rhetoric about him so strongly that he’s started to act cruel and detached. She saves his life. She sees value in his life when few others would, because she cares.

I’ve always find it funny that the “dragons plant no trees” is—another—example fans use to argue in favor of Dany’s descent into Darkness™ because the actual scene goes like this:

You are a queen, her bear said. In Westeros.

"It is such a long way," she complained. "I was tired, Jorah. I was weary of war. I wanted to rest, to laugh, to plant trees and see them grow. I am only a young girl."

No. You are the blood of the dragon. The whispering was growing fainter, as if Ser Jorah were falling farther behind. Dragons plant no trees. Remember that. Remember who you are, what you were made to be. Remember your words.—Daenerys X, ADWD.

Now am I the only one who finds it at least a bit relevant that it’s freaking Jorah Mormont aka Jorah the Enslaver whom Dany’s subconscious, at her literal lowest moment, utilizes to represent this particular thought, which btw I’ve always interpreted as Dany’s own self-loathing manifesting in her, and this is something she’s actually always struggled with—the idea that she’s not enough and she’s failing. Because above all things, even Westeros or the Iron Throne, what Dany wants is peace, she wants to plant trees.

When Dany made her descent, Reznak and Skahaz dropped to their knees. "Your Worship shines so brightly, you will blind every man who dares to look upon you," said Reznak. […] This match will save our city, you will see."

"So we pray. I want to plant my olive trees and see them fruit." Does it matter that Hizdahr's kisses do not please me? Peace will please me. Am I a queen or just a woman?—Daenerys VII, ADWD.

But of course the world doesn’t work like that, and so long as there’s Jorahs and Tywins and Eurons out there, men who would take the freedom of humans and submit them to their will, Dany can’t have the luxury of peace, just like Jon can’t have the luxury of belonging and family so long as there’s people still beyond the Wall who need his protection.

And I think that’s fine. It’s fine that Dany failed, it will help her develop as a character and realize that there’s no room to compromise with slavers, the metaphorical monsters of the story who do far more harm than the other more literal ‘monsters’ of the story. So that when she has to face down Euron Greyjoy—who btw, there’s a high chance he will end up stealing one of Dany’s dragons via Victarion using Dragonbinder… y’know, as in enslaving one of her children and using said dragon to inflict god knows what horrors, yet not many people ever consider this for some reason?—she will know. When she has to face down the Others, the magical ice fairies with no regard for human life, she will know.

That’s why I believe that it would make absolutely no sense for Dany to have to go through such a tragic and traumatic experience like burning a whole city even by pure accident, over something that’s either never been a problem with her character or she’s well into her way of learning anyways, so it would just feel repetitive. As I have pointed out, she’s already reached one of the lowest moments of her arc. Not saying there will be no other blows for her, and probably the destruction of KL will be one of them, and knowing Dany she will feel responsibility over it no matter what, but that doesn’t mean she has to be the culprit, intentional or otherwise.

#yes i wrote this whole thing because i actually love the ‘if they are monsters so am i’ quote and i’m trying to push my agenda on others #jk i spend like half a minute in an anti dany blog and i was like. war #but i don’t regret it so #daenerys targaryen #stormborn #pro daenerys #asoiaf #asoiaf meta #a song of ice and fire #valyrianscrolls #meta #my meta

[syubub]

May 13th Reading

Definitely long awaited and way bigger than I intended it to be so buckle up.

Funky disclaimer: this is for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken as fact! This is my interpretation of the cards!

Oh boy. The continuation of yoongis soulmate saga.

(Note frome future me: it's not proofread but I'm hungry. Sorry for mistakes!)

So so so so

Let's start.

I started with all the normal jazz. Connecting with his energy and shit. Same as usual same old same old. Platform= same same. I was like, "hey, let's talk about your soulmate and the whole may 13th shit" and we connected via energy stringy thing to the forehead and such. I was intresting bc my end of the string was kinda my energy color! Neato. Looks like some rest has really done me good!

Okay, here's where I start actually asking shit. I made notes at this point before the reading as I usually do. I'm just gonna insert the screen shot here.

The 14 thing really fucked me up. You'll see later. Also, when I got the whole Pisces Jupiter thing I had to do me some googling bc we established that Jupiter went into Pisces ON May 13th so I was like?? Am I missing something?

I was. I forgot that it goes retrograde and then co.es back to Pisces on December 28th. And I do indeed think it to be significant.

The shit about temperance makes a lot of sense. In yoongis first soulmate read I flipped my shit bc he was like, "You're gonna get temperance reverse" in regards to a card for his soulmate and I was like "pft whatever. Don't play me like that"

And then I got temperance reverse. It's been a significant card from the jump.

I asked him if he had any advice for his soulmate and that's what "Don't wait for big things, you'll miss the small ones that lead you to bigger things" and "Look for facts before assuming" and "Don't try pushing it, forcing it won't make sense" and "A spade is a spade/ ace is an ace" and "Don't make ill informed guesses" all were

Now this part:

"Union has happened , yet to on the physical"

Gave me some hints thankfully because he straight up said no more hints.

This ties back into the whole Jupiter thing too. The seeds are/ have been planted and now they have to grow before they can be harvested.

Well Mr. Yoongi, I'm impatient and I don't want to wait. I want to see you in love pronto.

Anyways

He showed me a little dream box/ trinket box looking thing and a super vague Keychain with no further explanation... so... there's that I guess.

I can't quite decide if "Don't make ill informed guesses" was a tongue-in-cheek pike at me or if it was genuine advice to his soulmate? He just loves to not explain things.

Now let's begin the monster read.

So. The first row of cards

I asked the question, "what the fuck was May 13th and what was it's purpose in regards to your connection"

Important is what it was lol. I interpret this as them finding their footing and this being the starting point of the genuine foundation being layer. Like they've been manifesting eachother for a while but May 13th marked the start of them making the real life changes in their actual lives that will be the set up for them meeting.

The seven of coins is about thoughtful planning and creating security/ stable plan. The tower is essentially ripping away anything and everything that was built on unstable foundation and challenging/ testing your character (an extremely rude awakeing if you will). Judgement is releasing the past so you can rise above it and confronting yourself as you are (Also legit awakening) the queen of coins is financial security and self confidence in your abilities. Ten of coins is prosperity and abundance and most of all, stability. Eight of wands is explosion of potential and rapid movement. Temperance is awareness and balance between physical and spiritual. It's also that quiet peace where you find balance.

So. Seeing all those cards it really does seem like maybe his soulmate took on something new that could lead straight to union? Same for yoongi. I'd like to analyze and recent or new-ish habits or hobbies he's picked up?

Moving right along though. I asked what the 13th did for each of them in their personal life and personal journey. Kinda like what came as a result of that energy? Let's start with yoongles

This was really intresting to me. I think he definitely gained some form of clarity about the situation with that sun card. The 5 of cups tells me that either he was kinda forced to confront some of his flaws in a way that he was trying to avoid or he had to consciously let go of something dear to him? Could be something he had to leave behind because it crumbled with the tower moment but he didn't see it coming or didn't know that it was time to part with it? With that queen of wands though fits beautifully with the sun! Its like he's found warmth after a long winter. Definitely found a spark of compassion and generosity from a place of happiness and love rather than anger, fear, obligation or pitty.

I asked for clarity cards/ anything else that may 13th signified bringing in and we got the 2 of cups and 10 of swords. I have two thoughts. Either he let go of a relationship that he was already in because he didn't feel as though they were particularly compatible anymore (Also ties into the above section) OR the 13th had made him very much consciously aware of his soulmates incoming status and he is now preparing and working on himself for when this person comes. The 10 of swords would be him releasing the past and the pain and any ill fitting behavior that don't vibe with him any longer. Yellow really seems to be working for him by the way.

Soulmate time

Lol. All signs point to his soulmate genuinely starting a new venture. New creative pursuit that will bring them good money. 10 of pentacles is abundance, prosperity and stability. The ace of wands is a new creative spark and passion and it's the first big steps into something new. The 2 of wands is "the world is in the palm of your hands" vibes. Choices need to be made swiftly and with the ace of wands I think they will be. With the heirophant too, it will be a well informed decision because they've been manifesting this and has been searching for all the possible information.

As for clarity, we have the moon. Damn. Soulmates been doing that shadow work. Dredging up all their bullshit and getting rid of it while still taking the time to sit with it and release it so nothing is unresolved. Also probably extra creative due to all the emotional baggage being thrown out. (Definitely helping with the ace of wands vibes tbh)

Now for the bad boys in the middle

The question I asked is what those individual changes (detailed in the last two sections) will bring for the bond and I just can with them. These fuckers. I am so invested in their love story bc it's so... them? And just so fucking ROMANTIC. UGH I CAN'T.

Back to the point. High priestess, 4 of wands and the lovers. The high priestess is deep knowing and insane intuition, the 4 of wands is the purest joy and marriage and the lovers is well, the lovers.a magical union.

FUCK DUDE I NEED THIS TO BE A ROMCOM.

For the row of bottom cards

I asked if they had anything at all to add so I'm gonna explain each card individually bc I think they could be individual tid bits of shit.

Knight of coins is good news about finances/ money looking promising and organized work (also dependability!!). Death is all about transformation, the beginning of a new chapter and accepting in order to move foward. Ace of coins is spiritual and material abundance and also a reminder to keep grounded. Page of swords is confidence, important news coming and really good insight! Roots out secrets or hidden things like a truffle pig. The star is promising potential, healing and guidance from an enexpected place. The two of cups is a soul connection, love, intuition especially in regards to another person and a good bind. The emperor is self awareness, foresight, fearlessness to achieve a goal and confidence. Eight of coins rev is poor discipline and skating by on low effort.

Now to the sides!

Yoongi is the left, soulmate is the right.

So, let's begin with yoongi. The first two cards are anything he wants to say to his soulmate. Wheel of fortune and three of swords reverse. I take this as "its all in divine time/ it's destiny" (wheel of fortune) and "trust your intuition. It's okay to get hurt, you just need to remember you can always pick yourself up" (3of swords rev.)

We have now cards that I asked what he was learning through this process/ in this time. Be positive and first step.

The last two cards are affirmations he wants to give his soulmate.

"When I introduce joy to a situation, I change the vibrational frequency of what's happening around me" and "directing my focus onto what's thriving creates more of what I want"

Now for soulmates cards (same structure)

Strength and eight of swords. "You're stronger than you think. Take every part of yourself and acknowledge it. You're a force to be reckoned with" (strength) and (soulmate snapped at him on this) "the only thing holding you captive is you."

Now we have peer pressure (I think soulmate is learning to say "fuck you" and "fuck off" to people who have a set idea of how everyone should be living their lives), emotional healing and open your arms to receiving.

Then we have "its good to feel good" (lol I feel like yoongi definitely needs this one) and "when I connect to the spiritual realm, I open the door to recieve divine guidance, clear direction, and great wisdom"

The last stretch my friends.

So. Completion, leave behind the things that no longer serve you. Exist in the present and don't keep mulling over the past or any future happenings. Magic, pay attention to the magic around you. Listen for the signs of the universe and take them as they come (essentially listen to divine guidance) . Be open minded but logical as well. Luminous warrior, try focusing on the good in yourself instead of berating yourself for every small flaw. Spiritual path, self explanatory. The blade, your power can be a weapon when used willy nilly (most often wounding the wielder) or it can heal. Don't fear it but also consider how you choose to utilize it. The give away, be greaful for the sake of being greatful for it, not because you want something in return. The rain maker, manifestation station. Create with the tools you have because you have everything you need in order to manifest. "Don't take life personally"

Now we have heaven sent.

""Let yourself be helped" assistance is coming your way so act on it and say yes"

" This Oracle also comes with the message that you are to trust in the things that you feel and say to others without knowing why. It moves them. You might not understand, but through trust you are allowing yourself not to overthink and censor yourself. As such you are able to become a vessel through which the spiritual gift can be passed on to others. Don't block yourself. Let life happen through you. Only benefit can come from this."

And free from judgment, free to love

" If you have been asking life for a solution to a specific difficulty you have been having, this Oracle comes with the message that a solution is in gestation right now. This situation is already being sorted out and the resolution will come to fruition very soon. Hold tight and wait for the eminent birth of that resolution."

" This Oracle also brings you a message about love. You may find that you are loving, or soon will love, in a different way. You may worry about this love, given that it defies what you have known or been taught about love. Perhaps you are becoming able to love another tremendously, even though you don't have much of a personal relationship with them. You might question if this love is real. It is real Kama it is just happening at a different level to the love and attachment you experience when you are involved in a personal relationship with someone. It is not more or less, it is just a different facet of love. It may be that you are opening up to love the planet and her creatures, including the animals, the ocean dwelling life, your own body, the trees and so on, more than before period you may feel passionately purposeful about giving your time and energy to causes that protect and nurture the Earth and her creatures. You are affirmed in this love too. The universal mother is operating through you to nurture life. She will support you in your work, so that you can continue To come from love and not become drained, depleted or lost in despair or fear of futility. Instead, you will be energised and expanded by your dedicated service to life."

" Finally, this Oracle has a message for those who may be feeling alone or lonely in a need of greater nurturing from others. You are asked to stop, relax, centre and settle into your body to feel your connection with life itself. The air in your lungs is the same as the air that moves through the trees. The water in your blood is the same water that fills the oceans and is moved by the phases of the moon. The flesh of your body is the same substance as the body of the Earth itself. The heat in your digestive system is the same fire and heat as that from the Sun. Feel this connection, then do something nice for another without agenda. Make a donation, even if just a small one, smile, say a prayer, sent out a good thought or make a wish for another. That's it. You have connected to life again and in doing so, life can connect with you. And so it shall.

And that's all for the cards but but but.

Someone (either my guide or yoongi) was like, "do a song. Do a song. Do a song." And I was like, "oki doki, sounds good.

So I asked what numbers I should try refreshing and then it hit me. The number 14 came up before the reading and it seemed a bit misplaced? So I did 14 shuffles and look what popped up

You gotta be fucking with me.

Istg these fools will actually be the death of me dude. Euphoria is so romantic and I lowkey feels like it describes a bit of what their bond must be like.

YOONGGGIIII

Anyway,

I came back to the platform to be like, "thanks homie" and it was weird bc he was practically pure energy? Like usually I visualize his energy as what his physical body looks like because it's easier to comprehend? But nope, he was just a big shimmery glob of energy.

As I was going to disconnect, a few things happened. I felt tingly and the platform was vibrating almost? So I was like, "hold on, what the fuck is this?"

And then

It hit me

"MIN YOONGI IS YOUR SOULMATE HERE??"

I could tell this fuckin asshole was smug even in his blue glob form.

The color was... blue like yoongi but also a light lavender/ pink kinda vibe. Pretty damn distinct.

I was so stoked and I thought we'd all get to chat and I could yell at his soulmate for being an elusive asshat

But Mr smug butt had different plans.

My dude dropped a little marble thing in my hand and I was like ??? And he was like, "you'll know when you need it" and I was like ?????

My guide took pity on me and said, "it's just a representation on information that you've been given but it isn't the proper time to unpack it yet"

Cool cool so like and energetic zip file that will release itself whenever it damn well pleases? Cool cool cool.

(Asshole)

Anyway, I genuinely think that my excitement of this whole situation must somehow also influence how yoongis energy handles my prodding? Like what the fuck is this marble bullshit?

To top it all off, he gives me a friendly shove off of his platform.

Thanks, buddy.

Now we are here. And as always, I'm left with more questions.

My main take away is that amay 13th through July 28th will be all the foundation and ground work and December 28th 2021 through May 10th (11th? 9th?) 2022 will be a more likely time for physical union and actual relationship stuffs.

Anyone who knows more about astrology please feel free to chime in on this whole Jupiter in Pisces bit! My understanding is super surface level!!

~~~~

That was a big boi and now my thumbs hurt real bad. Hope you were entertained by the chaos.

#bts #bts tarot #bts reactions #yoongi #bts imagines #bts readings #yoongi imagine #bts suga #min suga #suga #min yoongi

[chessieshire]

Processing my thoughts here.

I've been rewatching Cas and Dean scenes and moments where I know they talk about each other to analyze their reactions. Why? Because I wanted to assess for myself how I think Dean feels about Cas. I like to think I have pretty good intuition or so I've been told throughout my life. Track record of it is pretty good with the results.

When you grow up walking on eggshells having to assess people's behavior and emotions in order to protect yourself and others it becomes a necessary survival skill.

So what do I think so far? Ok so Dean is definitely bi so let's get that out of the way.

I personally think Dean has been subconsciously attracted to Cas and has felt love for him as a best friend or brother up until season 12 when I believe Dean actually fell in deep love with Cas.

I believe the moment Dean fell in love with Cas was when Cas killed Billy to save the 3 of them and then says he doesn't care if he loses his own life as a consequence.

I think before that moment Dean really did feel dead inside from being locked up in solitude for almost 2 months. Then when Cas made that huge risk to his own life to save theirs I believe it brought Dean's emotions back to life. Like a cosmic jumpstart.

Obviously Dean's an emotionally suppressed dum dum (I am too it takes one to know one) that he wasn't aware of falling in love with Cas he was just reacting to his frustrations, confusions, and concern for Cas and the "cosmic consequences". Hence the marital bickering in the next episode.

I believe that Dean started to realize he was in love with Cas when he almost died by the poisonous/venomous lance. When Cas said he loves him looking at Dean and loves them all. Dean started to realize he loved him romantically as he almost lost him again but probably still didn't "get" what kind of love Cas meant towards him.

Then Dean's dealing with too much confusion about it. He was so upset with Cas leaving and not responding to his messages it triggered his abandonment issues while Mary was also "needing space" at the same time that made those triggers worse. He had told Cas previously that he's his and Sam's best friend and brother (probably to observe his reaction to that to get a hint of how Cas felt) but he's obtuse so he probably felt like Cas loved him like a bro.

Not to mention season 7 when Dean is telling Kevin that he doesn't believe angels have the equipment to care and when they try they breakdown.

So I can see how it never occurred to him about Cas being in love with him and why he'd continue to suppress his own emotions and try distracting them with countless women. Despite cutting down on the sexual conquests in the last few seasons because they probably didn't work much anymore as a distraction and he got a piece of the void filled with merely Cas's friendship.

Edited to add: (oh shit how could I forget to point out?! So the last time Dean canonically had sex was season 12 episode 18 while Cas was missing and Dean was extremely upset with him. Dean was trying to distract his feelings about Cas and it no longer worked in my opinion. He looked more distracted than usual and when he told Sam how his night was he had to say awesome 3 times like he was trying to convince himself. Hence the last time he sleeps with a woman. From this point on Dean doesn't have anymore one night stands. ...carry on...)

Without a doubt Dean was unsure if angels in general could actually fall in love and felt like it was less painful to not pursue a romantic relationship due to the job and how either one of them could die for any reason.

If Cas had been human and there were no more monsters and demons and supernatural shit to hurt and kill people I'm confident that they would've been hooking up. It would've ruled out the complicated job risks and made clear that Cas is capable of feeling romantic love for somebody.

The times that Dean was actually angry at Cas and not "pretend angry but actually worried" were because he was offended that Cas didn't trust him and that Cas took off without an explanation or response. It just added to Dean's fears of Cas being incapable of feeling true love for him because he's an angel.

When Dean prayed to Cas in season 15 I think he was going to finally confess he loved him. But time was of the essence. As it always is and then they never get a moment after that to really talk to each other until Cas confessed his love.

Edit: Can I check this one off?! Because it really does sound like Dean says, "I...(breathy pause) I-love...(huff pause) you-don't know why I get so angry." *thinks* Yeahhhh it counts dammit! ✅

The episode after Dean's confession is Garth showing him being with someone is possible with their complicated backgrounds and jobs and he dances with a lamp and blows it a kiss. Whether or not the lamp really is a stand in for Cas it definitely is a representation of something or someone Dean truly wants.

He yearns for sharing love with someone.

Edit: Can I sorta check this one off? Ehhhh...maybe??? The guy that plays Garth (sorry I don't want to misspell the actor's name) stated that there was hidden subtext for romantic love with Dean and another character. He didn't say the subtext was "lamp" though since he thought this scene was meant to be fun...but...I think maybe it still could be if he was unaware of it. Since I'm hearing the dance choreographer says there's deeper meaning.

In season 11 Dean asked Jesse and his husband Cesar about what was it like settling down with a hunter. He was thinking about it! He wanted to know not only for Sam but for himself as well! He asked a GAY COUPLE which clues me in on maybe because they made him think of him and Cas. Maybe subconsciously anyway.

Dean never gets the opportunity to express how he truly feels other than anger, forgiveness, and brotherly love towards people and that's some toxic masculinity bullshit!

When Cas left to the Empty Dean was completely breaking down not just because he lost Cas but because he felt he lost his only chance at a happy life with a significant other who understands him.

And then the next episodes made no fucking sense. Read a bit like "oh well now I'm relieved I didn't have to confess my deep love for a dude and can move on! Mmmmmm...pie!"

(my phone autocorrected to "mmmmmm... Pierre" and I was like 👀 even my phone's like Dean is bi and looking for a french dude to take his mind off Cas lolll)

So to summarize...Dean Winchester loves Castiel and the last 2 episodes is some outrageous bullshit and I'll never get over it unless by some miracle Jensen obtains the rights to the show and fixes it!

#dean is bi #dean winchester is in love with castiel #deancas #deancass #deanwinchester #destiel headcanon #destiel is love #destiel is real #bi dean #deans mix tape #dean x castiel #castiel winchester #casdean #canon destiel #castiel #cas #destiel is canon #dean winchester #destiel #destiel angst #destielgate

[miss-storytime]

Trial by Time: Chapter 1

Summary:

When a Sludge villain attacks Bakugo on his way home from school he finds himself in a fight for his life. During his struggle against his assailant, the young teen discovers something new about himself that may be extremely useful in his hero career. However, something else interesting happens during his encounter with the villain, the actions of his Quirkless classmate Midoriya, who rushes to his aid.

What new secrets will be discovered in this chapter, and how does Bakugo really feel about the courageous idiotic intervention of his childhood friend?

*This is an Alpha! Katsuki x Omega! OC A/B/O fic, so if that is not something that you are interested in reading or something you don’t like feel free to keep scrolling. No hard feelings on my end. Hope you all who do read, enjoy the chapter!

Have a Fantastical Day,

~ Miss. Storytime, & The Librarian

!DISCLAIMER!

I do not own any of these characters except my OC, and parts of the storyline. Most of the characters and plot belong to the amazing Kōhei Horikoshi! I give him all of the credit of which he is due. 

******************************************************************

  11 months ago… …

“Here’s the sad truth: All men are not created equal....”

“Is it possible to become a hero, even if I don’t have a Quirk!? I’m a normal

kid without any powers. Could I ever hope to be someone like you?”

“Can you be a Hero? Not without a Quirk.”

*************************************************

     ‘Damn it...Someone get this freak off me!’ Bakugo thought as he struggled against the binds of the Sludge villain holding him captive. His head was still spinning from how exactly he had gotten into this situation. All he knew was that he was walking home from school with his idiot friends in tow, and then he was being attacked by literal sewage. 

     ‘This guy fucking reeks, I’m gonna smell like this for hours’, the heckles on Katsuki’s neck bristled as he let off another barrage of explosions. Looking around the ruined open-air shopping center Bakugo couldn’t find or think of anything that could help him escape. All he could see were the burning kiosks and storefronts, as well as the group of shoppers careening past him to avoid all the damage. The burning smell of smoke and fire filled the air and made breathing painful for the struggling teen. However, that wasn’t what was truly stressing Bakugo out, what really got under his skin was the crowd. They just stood there watching him like it was some sort of street performance; far enough away to keep themselves safe, but close enough to get a good view. It really pissed him off.

     The scent of anxiety, fear, and concern radiating from the crowd was almost drowning out the smell of his burning surroundings, making it hard to focus. The mixture of alphas and omegas in the crowd alone was upsetting enough, all those competitors and potential mates watching him struggle like this was humiliating. Add on the irritating scent of the alphas, the distressed chirping and anxious smell of the omegas, and his instincts were bouncing off the walls. Ignoring them as best he could, Katsuki continued to pull and thrash against the slimy restraints of his captor. Using his quirk when he could in an attempt to escape Bakugo grew increasingly more frustrated, nothing seemed to be working. Every time he made a dent in the creep more goop took its place. 

     Slowly, Bakugo's vision began to tunnel down to a pinpoint, and he was becoming acutely aware of the rapid pounding in his chest. He was used to his alpha making himself known in less than ideal circumstances, but something about this was different. He could hear more than he thought he normally could, the sound of his own blood pumping through his veins thundered in his ears. The distant voices of the crowd gradually grew more clear, enough for Bakugo to make out what some were whispering to one another.

     “It’s a monster…”

     “This looks bad, maybe we should run?”

     As if that wasn’t weird enough his sense of smell was getting increasingly more sensitive allowing him to pick up every note in the air. He was certain that if he focused he could pinpoint which scent belonged to which person; that is if the suffocating stench of his capture wasn’t all over him. ‘Where the hell are the heroes!? I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up for...God whose smell is that, it’s really pissing me off!!’. Finally, the voice of a hero approaching stole Katsuki’s attention away from the frustrating smell.

     “How dare you prey on a child!!”

     Forcing himself to focus through his narrowed vision Bakugo saw the hero Death Arms charging at his attacker, and for a brief moment he felt some relief. However, whatever hope he had built up in those few seconds were quickly dashed when the hero made impact. Immediately it was clear that Death Arms was no more equipped to handle this freak anymore than he was, maybe even less so.

     “What the hell is this? Some kind of goo?”

     The hero wrestled his arm from the body of the slime and jumped back out of reach, careful to avoid further contact with the villain., while more pro heroes started arriving. Backdraft stood back away from him and the villain, putting out what fires he could while fencing off the onlookers with his quirk. 

     “Stay back, or I’ll snap his neck!”, the Villain laughed out tightening his hold on the blonde.

     Something about hearing that triggered something deep within Katsuki, and all the accumulating panic was flushed from his system. A heavy lump started forming in Bakugo’s throat making it harder to breathe as it grew, and for a moment he felt that he was going to pass out. His vision broadened once again and his surroundings were overlaid in a reddish tint. The pounding in his ears overtook all other sounds as the weight in his throat burst forth from him in a roar.

     “You picked the wrong guy to mess with!! I’m gonna send you back to whatever sewer you crawled out of!” 

     A feeling he had never known before crept up from his chest and filled his lungs and throat with a prickly heat as he surged forward against his restraints. Then he shouted at the Villain.

                                                    “Let me go!”

     As he spoke he felt for a brief moment that he was in complete control of the situation. The pounding in his head quieted to a gently thrumming and he could swear the crowd watching fell into collective silence. For a second the binds holding him loosened enough for him to surge forward freeing one of his arms in the process. Almost as soon as he made progress the sludge returned with a vengeance, pulling his arm back in and wrapping around his mouth and nose. Bakugo continued to fight and thrash against the villain holding him as more heroes arrived on scene. His inner alpha creeping over his consciousness, pushing his instincts to the forefront of his mind. ‘Survive, even if you have to kill him’. And he tried.

     Letting off the strongest explosions he could make, Katsuki pulled against the mess of slime surrounding him, occasionally pulling against his restraints hard enough to hurt his limbs. By the time Mount Lady and Kamui Woods arrived the young blonde was growing desperate, his skull throbbing painfully and his lungs were burning for air. ‘Damn it, am I gonna die on tv...what bullshit.’ Just as his vision dimmed to near-nothingness,  Bakugo heard someone in the crowd cry out and he became aware of the irritating smell from earlier getting much closer. In fact, it seemed like it was right in front of him. 

     “No! You idiot! You're gonna get yourself killed!”

     With the remaining strength he had Bakugo turned his head as best he could to see what was happening, and to his disbelief he saw his quirkless classmate, Izuku Midoriya, barreling towards him and the villain. Eyes wide and looking like he was on the verge of tears Midoriya spun and threw his backpack at the creature. Whatever happened after that must have done something, because the sludge surrounding his mouth dropped and Katsuki sucked in greedy gulps of air before speaking to the boy who was now digging, bare-handed, into the person holding him. 

     “What the hell?! Why are you here?!”

     “I dunno, my legs they just started… moving. Kacchan! I couldn’t just stand there and watch you die!” 

     Midoriya continued to dig into the slime as Bakugo started fighting with renewed strength. As he fought, the now familiar heat filled his lungs and throat once again as he raged against his attacker with everything he had.

                                          “Get the hell off me!!”

     Feeling his attacker go stiff, and the restraints holding him relaxed once more Katsuki pushed forward just as before, except this time he felt he wasn’t pushing, so much as being pulled. A deafening BOOM rattled around in his head and made his teeth hurt. Temporarily disoriented, Bakugo wondered if he had in fact died. That is until the gentle feeling of a cool rain misted down on his head and now exposed limbs. Looking up he saw that the sky had clouded over and it had begun to rain, which he thought was odd. ‘I could have sworn it was just sunny...maybe I really am dead.’ 

     As his head cleared and his hearing returned to normal he became aware of cheering. Looking around his surroundings he saw that him and his classmate were dangling a little ways off the ground, and the crowd that was standing behind the arms of Mount Lady were cheering. Finally regaining the sense to see why he was not standing on his own two feet Katsuki looked back from the crowd and saw the one person he never expected. ‘All Might....’ With the Sludge villain nowhere to be seen, and his idol standing before him, he knew it was finally over. 

******************************************************************

     Or so he thought. Camera after camera and microphones brandished by overzealous reporters were shoved in his face, and Katsuki was at the end of his rope. If he didn’t get away from these people he was going to explode. Literally. Listening to anchors prattle on about what had just happened to him over and over again had him bristling. He was tired, hurting, and smelled like absolute shit. It was either his scent or his scowl that finally tipped them off, he didn’t care to know which, but he was finally able to get a ride home from one of the police officers that had arrived on the scene. 

     After the relatively short ride to his home, Katsuki stood outside the front door for a moment. ‘Deku…’ He thought, turning abruptly from his door and stomping down the street in the direction of his childhood friend’s house. ‘I really don’t want to have to thank him for anything, but he did… well he did something today that’s for sure.’ He continued to walk until his classmate came into view, however, the closer he got the more irritated he became. His mind fogged over and before he knew what he was doing his mouth was moving.

     “Deku!”

     “Kacchan w-”

      “Listen I would never ask for a weakling like you to help me. Don’t think you can look down on me! Got that? I was fine by myself! You're just a Quirkless failure who won’t even cut it as a rent-a-cop. You didn’t help me, you did nothing. And don’t you forget it!”

     After thoroughly ranting Katsuki turned and started back towards his house as fast as he could, and like usual the further he got from Deku the clearer his head became and the calmer he felt. ‘Shit...that’s not what I meant to say at all. What the hell is wrong with me. I’m always doing dumb shit like that with him...fuck.’ Sighing, Bakugo stomped up the stairs to his house and opened the door, slipping his shoes off before walking inside. The first thing he noticed was the smell. The scent in the house was off, and it really irritated him. He just wanted to come home and have as normal an evening as he could, after a shower or five of course.  His dad smelled like a nervous wreck, all chirping and anxious in the main room, so when the door closed behind him Katsuki wasn’t surprised to see his dad already starting towards him. 

     “Katsuki! Oh, Katsuki, your home! Your mother and I were worried sick! Are you ok, do you need anything? We saw what happened on the news, tell me can I get you anything. Like maybe food or or-” stopping to sniff the air his father wrinkled his nose and brought Bakugo in for a hug. “How about a bath? I bet that sounds good right now hu?”

     At the best of times, hugs like this upset the teen, but the tightness of his fathers embrace got under his skin and he wiggled away as fast as he could. 

     “Oi! Get off of me old man, I’m fine! I can get my own bath!!”

     It was then Katsuki noticed his mother approaching him, arms crossed as she stopped just in front of her young son. With her eyes narrowed Mitsuki took a deep breath before lifting her son's chin and turning his head from side to side. Brushing through his hair down both of his shoulders with her hands before closing her eyes and kissing him gently on the head. She lingered a moment before stepping back, red-faced and avoiding eye contact. 

     “He’s fine Masaru… I bet he’s hungry though, why don’t you go get us something to eat? We missed dinner watching the news.”

     His father glanced between the two before nodding and starting down the hallway towards the kitchen. Bakugo sighed, knowing something was coming if she wanted to be alone with him.

     “Look if your gonna yell at me I’m really not in the mood I’m tired and I want to go to b-”

     “Go take a bath and then meet me out here. We need to have a talk.”

****************************************************************

     After taking a rather long soak and scrubbing himself a little too hard with scent-free soap, Bakugo felt clean enough to change and return to the living room. He was tired and grumpy, but something about the way his mother had treated him earlier made it a little easier to move. Although, if he was honest with himself, it also scared the shit out of him. ‘Wonder what’s going on now.’

     Rounding the corner into the living room the smell of food hit his nose and his stomach replied eagerly. His father had set up one of the tables in the living room and on it sat a large dinner. All Katsuki’s favorites. Bakugo kneeled next to his father, across from his mother and mumbled his thanks before he began filling up his bowl when his mother spoke.

     “All Might was here earlier.”

     Bakugo froze, his head shooting up to meet his mothers eyes. “All Might wa-!” Mitsuki gave him a pointed look and he huffed, sitting back on his heels

     “All Might was here earlier today, and he told us a little bit about what went on today. He said some rather interesting things happened between you and that villain. Did you know that he was an Alpha Katsuki?”

     “Of course I did, anyone can smell that shit.”

     “Language Katsuki.” His father interjected quietly, filling up his son's bowl with an outrageous amount of food. Chirping happily as he did the same for his wife.

     Watching her husband for a moment Mitsuki continued, “Well according to All Might, your voice seemed to work on him a little bit, the villain I mean Enough that you were able to almost get away on a few occasions.”

     Bakugo was silent for a moment, letting his mother’s words roll over in his head. As far as he knew he didn’t have a voice yet, unless…

     “Was that what that heat was? In my throat I mean, it felt all prickly and heavy.” Mitsuki closed her eyes and sighed before responding.

     “Yes, just my luck you’d come into it now. It’ll only feel like that for a little bit though, after a while it’ll be as easy as talking. Anyways, I saw the news Katsuki, your voice did have an effect on that villain today. The news has seen it, they won’t shut up about it. It was so obvious that All Might came down to ask us if we knew that you were an Apex.”

     “Seriously I can’t believe All Might came here to talk to you two losers while I was out to thank D-... an Apex? All Might thinks I’m an Apex.”

     “We know you are. At least we know now anyway, your father and I have tossed around the idea for a while. I was hoping not though, you’ve got a big enough ego as is-”

     “Ego!! What the hell does that mean old hag! Just cause I know I’m amazing doesn’t mean I have an ego!!”

     They bickered back and forth with one another for a while until Masuru huffed loudly and looked between the two.

     “No more fighting, not after today.” His father looked over at his mom, “We said we weren’t going to do this tonight, Mitsuki. You promised.” His mother took a deep breath and nodded while maintaining eye contact with her son.

     “Fine, fine. The brat gets a pass tonight, but let me be very clear.” She leaned forward and took her bowl, giving Katsuki a pointed look as she spoke. “You may think you're all tough shit now that you're an Apex, but pull that voice on me and I’ll beat your ass. I’m still the alpha of this house and your mother. Got it?”

     Katsuki rolled his eyes and grunted his agreement, taking a deep breath through his nose as he brought the bowl up to his lips to hide his smile. ‘The house smells right now’, placing the bowl back down Bakugo sighed and settled in to dinner with his family.

***********************************************************************

     Thank you all so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, I had a lot of help from my close friend on this one. If you liked it please leave a heart, and maybe leave a comment? I’d love to hear from you guys. As I always I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and I hope you all have a great life.

Remember,

Keep Dreaming,

~ Miss. Storytime, & The Librarian

#bnha bakugo katsuki #bakugo katsuki #bakugo x oc #alpha bakugou #all might #abo #abo au #abo dynamics #bnha abo #bnha oc #bnha fanfiction #izuku midoriya #denki kaminari #boko no hero academia #my hero academia #my hero fanfic #deku #katsuki x reader #bakugo x reader #denki #kirishima eijirou #mina ashido #shoto todoroki #mr aizawa #aizawa shouta

[saanphoenix]

“Why do so many old-school FFVII fans think that Cloud took Zack’s memories?”

Alright, so first things first. We gotta start from the beginning. We gotta start with Jenova.

Jenova is the name given to the alien entity known as the Calamity. “Heaven’s dark harbinger.” This being, assumed to be female because of the body she was in at the Crater, was basically godlike in her natural abilities. Historically, she was able to shapeshift. She was telepathic. She had a nigh indomitable will. And she used her abilities to infect the race of human(oid)s that happened upon her crash site--the Cetra.

Now, Ifalna, within the English translation of the OG, states that Jenova turned the Cetra into monsters, nearly wiping them all out, and that the wee few that remained basically had to be sacrificed to seal Jenova away before she could do anymore damage to all life on the planet. The notes Sephiroth finds within the Shinra Mansion seem to corroborate this version of events, as he tells Zack that the Cetra chose to fight the Calamity while the other humans “hid”, thus being spared Jenova’s shenanigans, allowing them to become the dominant race on the planet, but ultimately being cowards unworthy to be the shepherds of any star, to quote Emet-Selch from FFXIV. Stay with me now.

We also know that the notes Sephiroth reads within the Shinra Mansion do not, in any way, call Jenova the Calamity. They still refer to her as a Cetra. Meaning that those notes are outdated, before the discovery of a living Cetra, a Cetra who is 2000 years removed from her own people’s history. Right? So.

(’Ah, but what about Genesis point-blank telling Sephiroth the truth? He knew what was up!’ Yes, because Hollander and Hojo found out from Gast’s recordings, and Ifalna herself, what Jenova actually was, and then Hollander told Genesis, who then said some stupid ass shit to trigger Sephiroth into looking into the wrong information, and now Nibelheim is not Nibelheim anymore and Cloud is missing one more family member than he was when he joined Shinra. Also, fuck Genesis. Anyway.)

HOJO, yeah? Hojo, in two separate novels written by Nojima himself, states to Aerith and Tseng separately that Jenova 1) will inevitably infect all life on the planet with her “cells” because of the very nature of the Lifestream and 2) turned the Cetra against each other via subtle manipulation and illusions of their loved ones, dead or alive, conceived from their own memories. She didn’t show up looking like the Eldritch horror with the eyeball nipple, she showed up looking like a run-of-the-mill Cetra. And she would further disguise herself as people a Cetra knew in order to gain their trust. And then, after she had gained that trust, she would say shit like, “Hey. Your friend over there hates you,” or, “Hey. Your friend over there wants to kill you.” And thus the Cetra, at the very least morally but probably also physically, became monsters and tore themselves apart.

You ever wonder why everything the Cetra had was booby-trapped and hidden behind riddles and self-sacrificial bullshit like their Temple? My guess is because Jenova made it so they couldn’t trust anyone, even themselves.

“Why did I read all that? What does that have to do with Cloud voring Zack’s memories?”

Because we gotta understand the mechanics of this bitch first so that we know what to look out for.

Now, we have an alien in stasis--presumed dead but definitely not--and a buncha scientists who really want a coveted spot sucking President Shinra’s dick as head of the Science Dept. who all think that taking the genetic material of a Cetra and splicing it into a modern-day human’s DNA will give them a Geiger counter to the Promised Land. Which they want to use as fuel because only some of them really understand what mako is and the others are just fucking stupid. Anyway, my guess is that they archeology their way to Jenova’s still-kinda-alive corpse and do some DNA testing and go, “Ah! We’ve found a Cetra. It has to be one! She’s by the crater, after all, and that’s where some of them were nuked by a Meteor! :) We’re geniuses!” And Jenova, in the Lifestream, went, “GOTCHA, BITCH!”

And through the power of dino DNA, out pops a lot of nonviable lifeforms, some monsters, and, eventually, a relatively normal kid with a flare for the dramatic who will become wholly obsessed with apples and very boring literature that he will insist on repeating every five goddamn seconds. As he was no Geiger counter to the Promised Land, out pops another relatively normal kid who will grow up to have dreams, and honor, and steal food from his neighbors because he was so damn honorable that he just could not ask for a handout.

With Hollander and Gillian’s experiments not producing anything of note other than children that need love and support, Hojo and Lucrecia decide to take a slightly different sample of Jenova’s cells and just start sticking them everywhere. They’re in Lucrecia. They’re in Lucrecia’s fetus. And...something strange starts to happen.

Lucrecia starts to feel the effects of Jenova. Lucrecia’s mind and body start to kind of deteriorate. Not the way that Genesis’ and Angeal’s do later on, but she is plagued by shit like severe depression and fatigue. She falls out on the floor multiple times. Her bodyguard is a little late on pulling the trigger of the gun aimed at her husband and, instead of doing anything productive about her husband proving he’s an amoral murderous fuckhead, she just decides to play doll with her kinda undead bodyguard, get even sicker, and then, finally, pops out a very strange looking baby. In fact, he looks a little alien.

“No, seriously, what does this have to do with anything?”

Genetics. How Jenova cells work. Whatever clump of cells they injected into Lucrecia, clearly different from those used in Project G, seemed to focus more on the mental fuckery aspect of Jenova than the physical, shapeshifting aspect of Jenova. I would also argue that one of the reasons Lucrecia was so adversely affected by the cells and Gillian was not is their mental well-being. Gillian, even when we meet her, seems very upbeat and doing pretty okay despite her husband having died from exhaustion a coupla years back. Lucrecia was depressed and very subservient even before she married Hojo. Losing her mentor--Vincent’s father--probably exacerbated that. And, later in Advent Children, that sort of mentality--hopelessness and despair--is what Sephiroth’s Geostigma feeds off of. That and thoughts of death/dying. But that is more speculation than anything.

So, Sephiroth’s cells are different from Genesis’ and Angeal’s, and they were all three bred differently, but they’re all kinda chimeras of Jenova’s. And once Genesis learns about his origins, it’s like the lightbulb goes off. This guy’s creating clones by infecting his 2nd and 3rd Class SOLDIERs with his own cells. And when he does that, their physical appearance becomes his own. As does their will. Whatever Genesis wants, the clones also want. And then he just grows a wing for shits and giggles. Once he tells his BFF Angeal the sitch, behold! He’s got monster clones--maybe because he realizes how fucked up overwriting a human being with yourself is--and wings, too. ...Why?

The power to do all of this shit was always there. It was genetically always there. They just had to be made aware of it, to have the puzzle piece put into place. When Sephiroth dies, that puzzle piece is put into place. And then he starts fuckin’ with shit. And turns into monstrous angels. And then dies again. And then comes back and finally grows himself his own wing. He did it, fellas. He’s a big boy now.

But we’re not here to talk about Sephiroth--ignore how much I talked about Sephiroth and his mommies previously--we’re here to talk about ZACK and CLOUD.

“What’s up with Zack and Cloud?”

First, what we must realize is that even though Hojo says that both Zack and Cloud are failed clones because they 1) didn’t take on any physical characteristics of Sephiroth, 2) didn’t seem controlled by Jenova (or Sephiroth) and, 3) didn’t exhibit the other signs of a Reunion impulse like the other clones in Nibelheim that does not mean that Sephiroth’s cells, Jenova’s cells, are not working on them.

As we’ve observed in other 1sts, abilities do not always manifest immediately or even noticeably. Clearly, Sephiroth’s physical appearance is a bit of a hint, but Genesis and Angeal look pretty damn normal and, if it weren’t for their mako injections, they probably wouldn’t be showing that much of an increase in physical capabilities. Theoretically. Maybe 10-year-old Angeal had biceps the size of a man’s head. I mean. Pff.

Zack’s tolerance to Jenova was strong due to his previous exposure in the SOLDIER program. Cloud’s mind broke pretty early on. Neither of these results matter to the fact that they both now have Sephiroth’s cells within them--just as Genesis’ and Angeal’s clones had theirs--and that their very wills are now going to be affected by Sephiroth’s. But they are also going to be a little bit like him in terms of power.

Zack’s hair, when ingested by a Genesis clone, a clone of a Type-G SOLDIER, transforms that clone into a monster. Zack doesn’t even have to do anything. The Jenova/Sephiroth cells within his body can just Do That, cause that change in another life form, of their own accord. I’m honestly shocked that, whenever they gave Zack these S-cells, HE didn’t turn into a monster. But that’s neither here nor there. I wanna talk about Cloud.

Cloud has mako poisoning, which the Remake describes as his spirit/soul being stuck between his body and the Lifestream. Weird. Anyway, he’s not fully aware of his surroundings at all times, and he clearly can’t control his body that much. He somehow has the ability to kinda get his feet shuffling, and I’m going to go on a limb and say he can chew whatever food Zack gives him, but most of the time, he’s a puppet with cut strings.

But he is also still recovering from a mind break caused by Jenova cells. The same cells that are just chilling in his body, like they are in Zack’s. And all the months Zack is dragging his ass across a continent, an ocean, and another continent, they and Cloud are listening to whatever the fuck Zack is saying. Cloud is also constantly in physical contact with Zack.

In The Kids Are Alright: A Turks Side Story, Kadaj has the power to not only read surface thoughts and memories just by being near someone, but he can also read deeper ones by making physical contact with someone. Because Jenova. And Sephiroth, whose cells Cloud and Zack have, in the OG demonstrates that he, too, can glean thoughts and memories from others. Because Jenova.

If this power is a genetic trait, as it is with Genesis and Angeal, then, sitting pretty underneath their skin, Zack and Cloud have this ability. Dormant. Snoozing. Kinda like the 1st Class Trio’s wings.

But Zack has a high tolerance and a high ignorance to Jenova and just what he might be capable of. Cloud’s mind is floating in and out at best. He’s not in control of himself. And when you have a situation like that, it is very, very easy to come to the conclusion that Cloud’s Jenova cells are passively absorbing the memories of Zack’s time in Nibelheim. That they are knitting these memories together with what little remain in Cloud’s head. That when Tifa comes across Cloud at the train station and calls him by name and remembers who he is that Cloud’s Jenova cells latch onto those memories in Tifa--as Sephiroth tells them they did--and they knit those memories with Zack’s and Cloud’s and the end result is the man we get at the beginning of the OG.

Because Cloud has visual memory of shit he never saw. It’s not just a visual medium telling a visual story. You wanna know how I know that for a fact? Because, in the Remake, Cloud remembers Sephiroth walking up to Jenova’s tank in the reactor from Sephiroth’s perspective. He is looking through Sephiroth’s eyes, through his memory, up at “Mother.” In that moment in the Remake, Cloud is Sephiroth. He’s not Cloud anymore.

Cloud sees Sephiroth delivering the speech of being an Ancient. Cloud wasn’t there. Cloud didn’t see that. Zack did. That is Zack’s memory.

The man writing the Remake is the same man who’s been at the head of MOST FFVII writing. He was on the OG, he wrote Advent Children, he wrote the novels, he wrote Crisis Core, he’s writing the Remake. He knows what these cells can do because he’s crafted this world-building for decades.

Cloud didn’t take all of Zack’s memories. He didn’t need to. Kadaj, in the novel, doesn’t glean everything from someone right off the bat. Because he doesn’t need to. Only when he needs to learn something else does he go digging. The same is probably true for what Cloud’s cells most likely did to be able to know what he knows. Hell! Kadaj gets punched in the novel and he ACCIDENTALLY picks up the emotions and memories of the guy who punched him. He didn’t want ‘em but he got ‘em!”

There is evidence within the OG, and even more within the Compilation, that lend weight to the theory that Cloud unintentionally read Zack’s mind when it came to the events of Nibelheim.

For years, people have wondered, “How the hell does Cloud know that if he wasn’t there?” For years, people have wondered, “How can he use the Buster Sword if he was just a little grunt that used a gun all the time?” The logical answer is, “Because of his Jenova cells. They can just do that shit.”

#long post #ffvii #ffvii spoilers #zack fair #cloud strife #jenova #sephiroth #jesus christ i wrote a novel

[nikmikaelsonswife]

Alaric’s in Love with You but Klaus Was Your One and Only

contains s5 TO spoilers that you’ve probably seen before since you’re on tumblr. set in legacies.

It started when Hope returned to Mystic Falls with you in tow, someone Alaric hadn’t seen in over a decade. You’d changed; physically and mentally. Your hair was darker and shorter, brushing your shoulders as well as your eyes had lost that pretty, dangerous sparkle. You were less extroverted, but that was understandable since you had gone through tremendous heart break.

It also didn’t help that you’d returned to a place that once was your home, the changes having a much heavier and worse effect on you than you had anticipated. You’d spent a great deal of time staring at the Stefan Salvatore Memorial plac, reliving the past, not even having the courage to enter the library.

The way you closed off was only half the reason Alaric and you hadn’t slipped back into old habits. The other was that frankly, it wasn’t easy for him to trust a Salvatore, much less a Mikaelson. You just so happened to be both; the woman who brought the two vampire families together. He didn’t see that as good in any way, shape or form.

He’d never had an issue with you, it was always your brothers, husband and his family stirring the pot and setting paths of destruction in their wake. It was rare for you to aid in it voluntarily, but at the end of the day, you were still a vampire. No matter how much you tried to avoid darkness and evil, you couldn’t hide from something that was apart of who you were.

But then again, he hadn’t seen you in so long. It was before you had officially moved to New Orleans, before you had truly began to cope with Stefan’s death and before you had helped in raising a child. Now you had gone through all of that, along with losing the love of your life and it didn’t take you opening up to him to notice that you weren’t the same person.

Out of nearly two centuries, the past decade had been the worst of your life as well as the best. You’d grown so much and Alaric couldn’t say that he didn’t like who you had become.

He was surprisingly able to set aside your supernatural nature enough to grow quite fond of you. With the help of the people around you, the distraction of being co-headmaster and weekly phone calls with Damon, you were able to break through the grief-stricken shell you’d built around yourself. It allowed Alaric to truly see you again.

At your core, you were still (Y/N), the woman he bantered with in the early morning hours in his office over take out that you had convinced him on buying. The woman who would shout, “YES,” when she’d crack a case all on her own, flashing him a breathtakingly gorgeous smile that made his heart flutter.

He could still pinpoint the day you took your wedding ring off on a calendar, stating that, “I can’t go on everyday with this reminder. I need to live my life.” He knew that was hard for you, since you had refused to take it off for a full two years following Klaus’ death. Perhaps, it meant something.

His brain would turn to mush every time you pulled him in for a hug after a particularly dangerous day, or when you’d catch him staring and give him a quizzical almost smug look. He had a hard time in controlling how his pulse would quicken up when near you, aware that if you listened for it, you’d hear it.

You were far from dumb, as well as the students attending the school. His daughters often gave him a look when they’d catch him acting weird and Hope had even cornered him asking if he had a thing for you with a threatening look on her face.

“I do not have a thing for Dr. Salvatore...”

“Salvatore-Mikaelson,” Hope corrected, arms crossed over her chest. She could see through his bullshit and both of them knew it.

“Look,” she sighed, “(Y/N) is like a mother to me. I’ve known her all my life. For your sake and for hers, I’m going to be completely honest. I doubt she’ll ever get over my dad.”

Sincerity shone in her eyes, a slight frown in her brow. “You didn’t get the chance to but I saw them together. Nothing could match up to what they had. They were soulmates. She doesn’t want anyone else.”

Alaric cleared his throat, briefly adverting his gaze to the floor. “I..I..” He stumbled over his words, unaware of what to say. Deep down, it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. But he couldn’t let his façade drop.

“Have a good day, Hope.”

He’d sat down in his office to mull over her words, pulling a hand over his face every time he’d get too caught up in his thoughts.

If what Hope told him was the case, then what about the little flirtatious glances? Or the way you snuggled into him when you fell asleep in his office that one night?

A small smile tugged at his lips when he thought about how you had berated him after he went off on his own to fight a monster. You had been fuming, eyes watery, yelling about how he was only human and a selfish jackass to not think about all the people who cared about him.

How you cared about him.

He hadn’t felt the way he did since Jo died, not even for Caroline, and it was one he had missed. One he’d been harboring for months and he felt like it was time to confess. If his feelings were requited, he couldn’t imagine a better future than that, a better feeling than that. It was all he was focused on when he said those three little words.

“I..I like you. A lot.”

It was one night when the two of you had gotten a little carried away with the liquor stored underneath your desk. You were snuggled up against him on the couch, but thought nothing of it. Unlike Alaric.

Brows furrowing, it took you a moment to register his words due to the sleepy haze and the alcohol coursing through your system. And when you did, the tension alleviated from your shoulders before you lightly punched him in his. “I like you too. A lot.”

He shook his head, throwing caution and anxiety to the wind before he clarified. “(Y/N), I’m in love with you.”

His eyes were closed so he couldn’t see the way you froze. “I have been for a while. You’re sweet, loving, unbelievably beautiful and an amazing friend. Being co-headmaster with you, seeing you with everyone...I couldn’t help but imagine a life with you by my side officially.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” his eyes fluttered open, which is when he noticed that you had moved away. His heart dropped at that. “I don’t want you to feel pressured...”

“Alaric.” You interjected, fingers toying with the N necklace dangling from your neck; the necklace that was always hidden underneath your shirt, which Alaric hadn’t noticed you still wore until now.

And that combined with the melancholy expression on your face made his stomach churn in fear and realization. He’d made a huge mistake.

Inhaling deeply, you contemplated on what to say. “I like you, Alaric.” His eyebrows raised, hope glistening in his gaze but you quickly shot that down. “But this can’t happen.”

His gaze softened as you stood up from the couch. “It’s not fair to you. I can’t be that woman for you, for Lizzie and Josie.”

“I’m not expecting anything from you...”

“Apparently you are since you told me that you’re in love with me!” Both of you were shocked by your outburst and you quickly apologized, “I’m sorry. I’m overwhelmed.”

A moment of tense silence ensued as you stared at the ground, hyperaware of his gaze on your face. “Klaus was different.” You suddenly spoke, bottom lip quivering as the feelings you had buried resurfaced, “I thought I was going to spend eternity with him.”

“I understand that.” He leaned forward, “I felt the same when Jo died. And it took me a while to move on. I can wait.”

You lifted your gaze to lock it with his. “I wouldn’t ever ask that of you.”

“You’re not asking, I’m just stating. I understand if you need time.” Tears began to gather on your lashes, fingers threading through your hair as you sighed. He was making it more difficult than it already was. You didn’t want to break his heart.

“I still cry in the shower, Al! And when I’m not crying, I’m talking to my dead husband!” Your eyes were wide, voice loud and shaking as you stifled your cries. “I continue to dwell on the past. I dream about him every night. Hell, I even write in a journal about him.”

“After almost three years, I’m still mourning as if I lost him yesterday. And I know for a fact that it will always be like that.”

He stood up at that, his face contorted into a incredulous expression. “But what about the looks you give me? Or the cuddling? You can’t tell me that didn’t mean anything.”

“That’s how I’ve always reacted when a man was interested in me! I thought it was a short term thing or that you wanted to get in bed with me. But just that.”

“It’s not just that. I love you.”

Your heart broke even further at how those words made your stomach churn. “Please. Don’t.” Hatred boiled in your chest as you were upset with him. Upset that he’d ruined a strong bond that took years to build, that you wouldn’t be able to find comfort in your friendship anymore.

“Klaus will always be the man my heart belongs to. He was my one and only. He was my soulmate.”

“You have to stay here and take care of Hope.” He swiped his thumb across your wet skin, “Don’t worry, my love, I’ll be waiting for you on the other side.”

The word echoed in his head, a memory of his conversation with Hope crossing his mind. Soulmate. “(Y/N)...”

“I’m sorry, Alaric.” He internally grimaced at the absence of his nickname and he found himself wondering if the relationship he had with you would ever be the same. Found himself acknowledging that he, in fact, ruined it.

It made him angry as well. He needed you just as much as you needed him.

Your fingers wrapped around the doorknob, “You deserve someone special, Alaric. That someone just can’t be me.”

#i don’t know why i wrote this #i was just watching legacies and got the idea #i was mourning klaus don’t judge me lmfao #klaus mikaelson #alaric saltzman #klaus mikaelson x reader #the vampire diaries #the originals #legacies

[anarmorofwords]

I think I’m only protective against people against platonic fairstairs (romantic fairstairs can like not) because…I get the feeling that idk; sometimes Matthew is the only merry thief the fandom at large doesn’t want to grow beyond their small circle of friendship, like he’s friends with Anna but like him and Cordelia being friends is good for him, I think? Good for Cordelia too. I think, at least. They like a lot of the same stuff, they have been nothing but warm to each other, and they honestly enjoy each other’s company? I really don’t think Matthew had any ulterior motives in befriending her other than he thought she was nice (him expressing “love” for her in the romantic sense feels like the biggest comphet “I feel a way for you and I am a guy and you are a girl, I should feel romantic for you” and “I want to emotionally hurt myself” which aren’t really actual romantic feelings), they spent time together (the road trip was cute and one of the rare moments that I felt “oh these two are actually allowing themselves to enjoy something good for them” before Lilith ruined it), he came out to her! Something he seemed actually very scared to do! I even think him telling her what he did isn’t even that bad because he spilled it to try and make her feel better (even if it’s not I would have done in the slightest) because he honestly does value her as a friend, and wants her to feel better even if the only way he can think to do that is “you can’t be a monster, I know a monsters and I am one.” Matthew doesn’t have to put on an act for Cordelia because Cordelia DOENST know him as well and know what he used to be like, Matthew doesn’t put Cordelia’s hero complex on edge because he’s also a natural care taker mom friend so he also doesn’t give off “I need to save him energy, or I need to do this myself, because he’s ready to give her his everything already and without conditions so like it’s complementary.

Oh and I think there is a another reason they bonded: Grace.

Grace basically is the driving force in at least the main plot of the books so far that’s moved Cordelia and Matthew from their main friendships, with Lucie and James, in a way. Lucie because she’s helping Grace, Cordelia’s assumed love rival, which must sting even if Cordelia doesn’t have the full story to why she’s helping grace but from Cordelia’s side she’s seeing her best friend and the man she loves pick grace over her and that sucks, then you have Matthew who is trying to slowly bring UO to James that Grace isn’t worth it and getting screamed at over it. Basically, both of them are kind of “left behind” and they formed a friendship from that general state of just being the only ones left to pair up like the two kids without partners for a school project who end up liking each other and staying friends but wouldn’t have become friends if they hadn’t had this series of events leading them together.

They are fine as friends, love triangle bullshit is dumb, should have just been the tlh version of Emma and Cristina is my ending point sorry for annoying you with a thesis called “platonic fairstairs made total sense, cc is just too romance minded to not fuck it up and I don’t blame people for rejecting romantic fairstairs but to say their friendship is fake or came out of nowhere is a little bit of a stretch for me personally.”

hi anon!!

i feel you and I'm with you!! I hate romantic Fairstairs, but platonic?! I love that relationship.

That's frustrating, true, but it's as simple as people hate Matthew and therefore don't want him associated with the characters they like, or even worse, accept that he could be an important part of their lives, and will do all sorts of mental gymnastics to discredit their friendship.

Anna and Matthew are a whole other topic, but from what I remember, it's only said that they're close, and we barely see that relationship. Plus I personally don't like Anna, so I like him being friends with someone else. I love TMT - hope they can work out their issues ofc - but they all can and should have friends outside of that.

Oh absolutely! I think their relationship is awesome! They have great banter and are comfortable around each other, and caring and they pay attention to each other. Matthew never took advantage of her, genuinely cares about her as a friend, and did that even before he was "in love", and he was nothing but respectful and clear about his feelings. He said he'd respect her boundaries in Paris, too.

I know some people will try their best to ignore the good things about him and that relationship, but Matthew was the only one that was there for her throughout all the mess with James and other things. (just so we're clear, it's on no way am attempt at shitting on Alastair; he was there for her all their lives and he's trying his best and I love him; also, Cordelia herself didn't give him a chance to help in this case; but I'm just stating a fact)

He was a steady friend who supported her all the time - made her laugh, cheered her up. Remember how free she felt during their little trip? Matthew gave her a chance to feel carefree and reckless for a moment, something her golden child syndrome and lonely upbringing with Elias didn't allow much of. James (tho it's not his fault) only stressed her out and she was suffocating in that relationship, while Matthew let her breathe more freely. Overlooking that just because you hate him is,,,, a choice.

Even the scene after Elias's death - it wasn't Matthew's intention to be insensitive about it (was he, actually? it did make her feel better, so I'm not sure what to think) He attempted to cheer her up, and then the monster thing was also supposed to do that. And perhaps it wasn't the best way of doing so, but that's not his fault. He didn't make it about him - he just tried to help the way he thought would be best. I saw people say that trying to relate to someone else's problems is a thing many ND people do as means of showing support, and Matthew is sometimes suggested to be ADHD, sooo

You're right, they seem to work well together and not make their respective "fatal flaws" worse.

And Matthew is more relaxed around her, but also more open and vulnerable - as you say, he doesn't need to pretend so much, doesn't need to put on a show.

That's a very interesting point about Grace, and you're totally right! I think Matthew is even aware of that - he kinda feels like both him and Cordelia were abandoned by James and wants to somehow make up for it to her, but also is looking for a friend himself, for someone to support and see him. They're both losing James to Grace, and can bond over that.

The little kids in a group metaphor is beautiful, thanks dear.

yes yes yes

yes

i still remember how my heart raced when Matthew told her that their group was missing something - and it was her. It seemed like a start of such a beautiful friendship, and I'm starving for m/f friendships. But alas, CC can't write those :'))

so yes, thank you, I agree, and you don't annoy me at all!! feel free to send whatever thesis you wanna share <3

#the last hours #tlh #matthew fairchild #cordelia carstairs #q #ask answered #spilling the tea

[alex-fa-ch]

Mauna Loa

Ash - Chapter 3

Hamilton waited.

It had been months since they had done any missions completely on their own. Mai was an excellent spotter, and they hadn’t realized just how much they had come to rely on her. Until now, anyways. 

But they knew what they were doing. 

Before Mai, before Ash, their method had been simple. It took a bit longer than most clients had liked, but it had always worked. Memorize the weekly routine. Not daily, that was a common mistake in this line of work. Daily was far, far too varied. Weekly. Most people kept the same patterns week to week. 

They hadn’t been too dedicated, at first. In truth, they were mostly bored. And they missed Jakub, and their family. God, they didn’t want to be in Missouri. 

As they followed the target around, the reason why the man needed to die became crystal clear to them. Ash rarely dealt with killing civilians, and never in Hamilton’s time with them. This was no different. This guy was a monster. They really didn’t need any further information than how this man treated his poor boyfriend. 

So, they waited. 

They knew Liam would leave his unfortunate partner to hit one of the local clubs. Hamilton had situated themself high up, on top of a very tall building across the street from the club. They hadn’t summoned their sniper yet, but they didn’t need to. It wouldn’t have been wise, anyways. 

They watched the club. Liam hadn’t appeared yet, but they could be patient. Honestly, ending his existence would be well worth it. It had taken a lot of strength not to intervene a few times in the past week. 

They felt a bit conspicuous. They were on top of some museum, so people were around. Though, not on the roof. Hamilton almost wished they had Rhodes, or at least his power, with them. But being about eight stories higher than the club did make them feel secure. Assisted by the fact that they were laid down. 

He would be easy to spot. Hair that light in a night this dark? Not a problem, not for them. 

Footsteps behind them. 

Hamilton tensed, but knew better than to confront it. The best way to get anywhere was to act like you already belonged. As far as they were concerned, they did belong on this roof. 

“Hey, New Hampshire.” 

Hamilton couldn’t help their jerk of surprise at the voice. They gave a glance over their shoulder, matching the voice to the face. They turned fully, getting to their feet in case they had to fight. They couldn’t think of a reason why they would want to fight, but something about this felt off. 

A pistol appeared in their hand, just in case. 

“Relax.” Arkansas put their hands up as they spoke. 

“No.” Hamilton raised an eyebrow at them, scowling a bit. “What do you want?” 

“You’re not gonna ask why I’m here?” Arkansas asked with a sly smile. They began to walk over. “How I even knew to be here?” 

“I believe my question encompassed both, and more.” Hamilton replied, scowling a bit deeper. They truly hated dealing with the South team. 

“Oh, you don’t remember.” Arkansas realized. They held up their left forearm, and rolled down their sleeve. Revealing the red color of the southern team, filling in a sun. 

Hamilton blinked. They had forgotten that detail. It wasn’t like they saw Arkansas ever, but... that didn’t make sense. Their pistol dissolved away, knowing now that they were not in danger. They kept their face straight, hiding the confusion. “What do you want?” They repeated, narrowing their eyes ever so slightly. 

“Wow, they have you guys trained so well.” Arkansas said with a smile, in that too-sweet fake tone the South team were so fond of. “I can barely even see the surprise.” 

“I will throw you from this roof.” Hamilton threated, scowling again. They were not in the mood for games, and especially not in the mood for Arkansas’ special type of bullshit. 

“No you won’t.” Arkansas sounded far too confident in that for Hamilton’s liking. They put a hand on their hip, smirking. “Besides, you still don’t know what I want.”

Hamilton crossed their arms, feeling themself losing their patience. “I’m beginning to think it’s to piss me off.” They growled. “It’s working.” 

Arkansas ignored that. “You didn’t question that you were sent to take care of this one?” They asked. “Not someone from the Midwest team?” 

“Oh, I did.” Hamilton told them, wondering why the hell Arkansas even cared. “But Massachusetts owed Minnesota a favor.” 

“Well, that’s funny.” Arkansas had a dangerous glint in their eyes. One that Hamilton didn’t like. Their shoulders tensed. “Because Minerva was told to say the same thing.” 

“What the hell do you mean?!” Hamilton snapped, getting angrier. “Stop speaking in riddles. I will shoot you.” 

Arkansas wasn’t phased by the second threat. “Minnie was told to brief her team on the situation. And she said she owed Masada a favor, and that Masada had called it in. Because one of Masada’s own needed a change of scenery. And asked her to let them - you - handle it.” They explained, their hands moving a bit as they spoke. 

“So, Masada lied.” Hamilton said, their anger giving way to more confusion. “All the Stars do that. I’m not surprised, and I’m sure that neither are you.” 

“Sure, sure.” Arkansas admitted, shrugging. “But don’t you want to do why?” 

“How the hell do you even know about all this?” Hamilton didn’t answer their question, instead asking their own. “You shouldn’t even be aware of what I’m doing here.” 

Arkansas smiled a bit wider. “Dallas keeps his office unlocked, for whatever reason. And he trusts us not to waffle through it.” They answered. 

“And you ‘waffled’ through it.” Hamilton was growing more confident that Arkansas wasn’t here to hurt them. But they were definitely playing at something that they didn’t like. 

“Sure. I got tired of secrecy.” Arkansas’ sly smile turned into a more genuine one. “Come on, aren’t you?” They asked. The smile slipped away to a more sympathetic and upset expression. “We’re all supposed to be a team. A ‘family’“ they made air quotes. “But half of us don’t know what the other half does. And both halves can’t even trust the people who hand out the assignments to tell us the truth.” 

“Make your goddamn point, Diamond.” 

“My point is that I am sick of it.” Arkansas’, Diamond’s, voice turned serious. Their expression turned more upset. “I’m sick of worrying about Rose and Anna, without even knowing what they’re doing. I know Michael is sick of worrying about Mai. Aren’t you sick of all this?” 

Hamilton didn’t respond. They were, but they weren’t going to tell Diamond of all people that. 

“Do you even know who you’re killing, Hamilton?” Diamond asked them, their brow furrowing a bit.

Hamilton didn’t want to divulge too much, or any, information. Ash or not, Liam did deserve to die. And Diamond didn’t know that and didn’t need to. “I don’t know what Dallas’ files said, but we are not just murderers for hire.” 

“Oh, I know that.” Diamond waved their hand dismissively. “You kill bad people. Abusers, predators, the like.” They tipped their head to the side. “People who deserve it. But do you know what this guy did?” 

“No.” Hamilton trusted their instinct to lie. “And I don’t need to. I have been in this line of work a long time.” 

“Liam is Michael’s ex boyfriend.” Diamond said, their tone carrying heavy. 

“Okay? Michael goes through a boyfriend a year. Why the hell are you-” Hamilton paused. They had seen how Liam had been treating their current boyfriend. Their eyes darted from side to side as they drew their conclusions. Briefly, their mind flashed a few years prior, when Mai had left for St Louis and had stayed there for months. They made a face as they realized the exact reasons Masada didn’t, couldn’t, send Mai. 

“You know about all that, hm?” Diamond guessed. “Mai must have told you.” 

“She didn’t give me details.” Hamilton answered, still making a face. “I just knew she was leaving to be with her brother.” They blinked. “Knowing what I know now, I’m surprised he isn’t already dead.” 

“Mike begged her not to touch him.” Diamond looked down and away a bit, clearly recalling a painful memory. “And all she wanted was to be there for him. So, she didn’t kill Liam. But...” the trailed off for a second, getting a cold look in their eyes. They looked back to Hamilton, looking them in the eye. “I’ve been thinking. And you know? I don’t agree with that decision.” 

Hamilton jerked back at the implication. “You called the hit?” They asked in disbelief. Diamond wasn’t even supposed to know of these missions. Let alone have the power to set one up themself. 

Diamond nodded. “And I was able to prove two things at the same time.” they held up one finger. “The Stars are lying to us, to all of us. And,” they held up a second finger. “The Moons are assassins.” 

Hamilton tensed up. “This sounds like an accusation.” 

“Not at all.” Diamond said, relaxing their hand. “But I was curious who would even be sent.” They shrugged a bit. “Liam is personally connected to someone on the Midwest team. So Minerva couldn’t send any of hers. It makes sense that the big boss would only ever trust Masada with this. And, I’d say she must have been as secretive as she needed to be.” They looked to Hamilton, waiting on the answer to the question they didn’t actually ask. 

“She was.” Hamilton confirmed. Something wasn’t right about this, and they definitely weren’t liking where this was going. “Diamond...” 

“So, no one else knows you’re here?” Diamond asked, looking sympathetic again. “Not even your actual sister?”

Hamilton shook their head. “Just Masada.” They uncrossed their arms, finally. “Look, I think you have some valid points, but-” 

“Do the mission first.” Diamond cut them off. “Kill Liam. Make it hurt. He still needs to die.” They sighed, letting out an angry breath. “But, then-” 

They suddenly cut off, their eyes widening. “RUN!” They cried, before slumping forward to the ground. 

“What the-?!” Hamilton shot forward to catch them. They were completely unconscious. They scanned them, searching for any sign of ammunition. It had to be some type of poison, with the lack of blood. And they were still breathing. So-

A sharp pain pierced the back of their neck. 

Darkness swirled in their mind as they collapsed, their vision blurring. Their last coherent thought was echoing faintly through their mind. They bit back the word from escaping their throat. Even with blackness pulling them into oblivion, they knew better than to betray the name of their husband. 

Jakub-

The last thing they felt was still missing him so terribly. 

#ash #my writing #word count: 1841 #DONT HURT ME #THIS WAS ALWAYS PLANNED IM SORRY #PLEASE DO NOT HARM THE ALEX

[strxngdrxm]

ʜᴀʟʟ, ᴅ.

               even though they say that time heals all wounds,                the scars are still fucking there. i can't forget what happened.                i can't forget how I felt

《  oliver stark. male, he/him. new kings by sleeping wolf   》 oh my, there goes DAVID JAMES “DEACON” HALL. the 29/29 year old INCUBI is currently working at SALEM FIRE STATION as a FIREFIGHTER. they’ve been in salem, ma for SIX MONTHS. they are known around town as THE WAR HERO. i have a feeling they AREN’T aware of what’s going on in town, and they are NEUTRAL. hopefully, because they are known to be CHARMING and ADAPTABLE while also being IMPULSIVE and CYNICAL, they will survive. i guess only time will tell. ( ray. she/her. 26. pst. )

a e s t h e t i c s  :     swimming in rage, cracking at tenderness.  growl heard before the whimper of pain. the protective one. bruised fists. the smell in the air after rainfall. always know what you’re fighting for. observant eyes. loud mind, silent words. memories so loud. hands covered in ink. bright smiles, distracted eyes. rinsing oil off hands after tossing a wrench back in the toolbox. the rumble of a bike being heard from down the street. pages coved in ink, drawing memories. kind smiles and broken eyes.

q u o t e s :     “  if you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.   ”   –   sirius black, harry potter and the goblet of fire “   don’t give me the ‘hurt feelings’ thing because a. i don’t buy it, and b. i don’t care.   ”   –   steve mcgarrett, hawaii five-o “   ‘go bravely, go deeply – or do not go’ bullshit, go, even if you are shaking with fear, go. take a blind step forward. that first step is worth so much more than standing still and never getting anywhere because you weren’t brave.   ”   –   unknown

p e r s o n a l i t y :     + realistic, observant, and self-reliant                                            - possessive, stubborn, and temperamental

david better known as deacon, has always been a man of action. when he was younger, he had energy that was off the charts at times and that later turned into him just always needing to keep busy. which doesn’t always leave room for him to deal with his emotions. he just keeps so busy that he buries all his problems under everything. it’s what has left him so  B R O K E N  not that anyone is aware of just how much so. over the years, he’s gotten really good at hiding it.

people could describe him as charming and flirty, caring and protective, and smart and adaptable. while all these things are true about the hybrid, he’s mainly just tired. that is what drives him even more to not show how broken he is. he’s always doing his part to be there for everyone else, not many people see that he needs someone to be there for him.

due to him being so good at hiding all his issues, he’s become really good at seeing the signs of when someone else needs help and will never hesitate in offering to help.  he’s used to only being able to rely on himself, he doesn’t want that for anyone else. 

he’s also known to get a little temperamental at times. never around the people he cares about, always able to keep it down until he explodes on some poor stranger.   fearing losing anyone else he cares about, deacon can be a bit possessive. he does his best to not show it, but he can’t always help it. when he actually allows people in, he holds on as tightly as he can.

s u m m a r y :     deacon grew up in salem, but when his adopted parents died when he was thirteen, him and his older brother ( who was seventeen at the time ) moved away. during this time, deacon really started to lose control on his emotions which made it hard for him to control his powers that came with being an incubi. he’s always known he was adopted and what he was, but never fully understood it since he didn’t have anyone to teach him. though his family did their best. once he was old enough, to run away from all his problems and to hopefully do better, deacon enlisted in the military. now he’s back in town cause he’s contract was up and he heard his brother was back in town. still trying to do his best to help people, he started working as a firefighter right away. 

he has this need to try to help people cause he see’s himself as a monster. he hates what he is and hates how easy it is for him to hurt people. despite that though, he is neutral in the fight, mainly cause he doesn’t know what’s happening. but also because he’s fought in a different war and struggles over it... he’s not sure he’d be ready to do it all again. though, he might not be able to stay out of it for long. 

h e a d c a n o n s :     due to hybrids being a hit and miss amongst people, it was no surprise that deacon was given up as a baby. his biological mother wanted nothing to do with him once she realised what he was, she didn’t even bother naming him. she just dumped him off in the woods and left him for dead since know one would take a demon child. he had been lucky that renee hall had been near by and heard his cries. the kind women didn’t even hesitate in bringing him home with her.  the hall family had no issue in bonding with the unnamed child and while they tried to find his parents, when they learned what he was and what most likely happened to him, they took him in and named him. adopting him easily. david was given his middle name after his new father and brother while his brother picked the name david for him. they did this to show him ( later, when he was old enough to know the truth ) that they ALL welcomed him.

growing up, david knew he was different from his family, so when he was old enough and they told him he was adopted, he had no issue with it. they were his family and nothing else mattered. as a young boy, he admired his older brother to the point of following him around, trying to be like him. or would try to make him happy by using the powers that came with being an incubi. powers he discovered by accident and would sometime get out of control but his brother was always an anchor for him and helped him reel it in.

david was doing well with his family; he was happy and healthy. and he always seemed to do really really in school. always seeming to be ahead of everyone else. he was able to pick things up very easily. david was definitely considered popular in school, not that he really tried. he just got along with everyone. being both part of the smart group of kids as well as the athlete’s, it made it easy for him to befriend most people.

when he was thirteen, his parents told him and james the good news that they were expecting and would be having a girl. something david had said he wanted from a young age. he had wanted to be a big brother like james was and do for them what james always did for him. however, everything took a turn for the worse when there was a fire, that was caused by faulty electrical wiring, which resulted in the death of both his parents and his unborn sister.                ↳    david remembers it clearly, he’ll never forget it. laying on a stretcher, completely alone thinking his entire family was gone. the paramedics that surrounded didn’t tell him anything about his family. it was less then a minute before james came into view, but it felt like a lifetime. in those few seconds, he had to deal with the most unbearable pain of thinking not only did he lose his family but having to deal with thinking he was the only survivor. however, when james reached out for him, david just cried. cried for the pain he was in, both physically and mentally. while the turns were unbearable, it was the pain of having lost his parents that really had him lose it. refusing to let go of james’ hand.

after the fire, james and david left salem. neither able to cope with being in the town anymore. james stepped up and helped david as much as he could. david did his best to make it easy on his brother, not wanting him to carry all the weight himself. but his grades started to slip and he had more accidents with him losing control of his powers. he wasn’t dealing with his own grief very well.

when david was seventeen, things had started to get a little better. he couldn’t be his complete old self again, but he was starting to try again. though it was short lived when he became sexually active with his girlfriend. he hadn’t realised what was happening until it was too late. completely horrified and full of guilt, david ran to the only person he had left. james helped him deal with it all and helped understand exactly what was happening but nothing could stop the guilt david felt. he could get the image of his girlfriend’s face out of his head. so he did the only thing he could think of. he ran. james found him and despite the relationship not being what it once was, helped him. like the way he used to when they had their family.

at the age of eighteen, david made sure james would be fine on his own and took off to enlist. for him, it was a way to do better. to make up for the horror of what he did. plus, it had been something he wanted to do before, but had fortten about it after everything. being away from james made it hard for david to even hear his own name. everyone started calling him deacon cause there was a guy who enlisted with him that thought it was his name. it stuck since there were two other david’s and he refused to be called by his last name since it hurt too much.

he did his best to keep in touch with his brother, but it was hard. deacon learned more about his brother from tabloids than actually being able to talk to his own brother. despite not talking much to his brother, deacon would ALWAYS write his brother. he’d write a letter almost everyday. just keeping his brother up to date with him, even if he didn’t always get a reply back. even in the middle of a warzone, all he could do was worry about his brother. half the time he doesn’t even realise his own pain because he is too busy worrying about everyone else. being what they need. a brother, a soldier, a friend, a lover, their crying shoulder, their ear to vent to, their punching bag, etc.

a mission he was on cost him greatly and once again, deacon found himself losing everyone he cared about. the guys from his unit were ambushed and deacon was the only survivor but he managed to get each and every fallen soldier back with him. deacon was honoured with a silver star and allowed to go home again. so he decided it was time for him to come home and stay home. finding james was easy, trying to get back their bond was harder. but he wasn’t giving up.

once arriving back to salem, deacon found it easy to get a job as a firefighter. given his history, the captain couldn’t turn him away. deacon had spent time being a field medic and the fire captain knew it would be foolish to not have the man on his team.

in his free time, deacon can be found painting/drawing or working on his bike. things in which help him stay calm.

e x t r a :     pinterest.    spotify(TBA).    moodboard(TBA).

#salem.intro #ᴅ. ʜᴀʟʟ –> musings. #ᴅ. ʜᴀʟʟ –> intro. #death tw #/this got super long #my bad

[rankdisasster]

look what you’ve done

Billy Hargrove x fem reader

“maybe a billy one of the aftermath of the reader and his first big argument? maybe the reader gives him the silent treatment??? (locks her window so he can’t sneak in, goes to school early so he can’t drop her off) your choice if it ends fluffy with a make-up or angsty :”)) I always hate telling a writer EXACTLY what to do, but this was just an idea I had in my head ♡” requested by @delqcour

word count: 2,421

warning(s): swearing, arguing

a/n: made this incredibly dramatic and emo, wanted to give reader a valid reason for doin him the silent treatment, so he’s a giant slime ball in this one. definitely don’t fall for this irl, Billy’s emotionally abusing the SHIT outta the reader in this one. in other words, angst!!!! also girl don’t worry about telling me details for a fic, it’s helpful !

—

You knew he didn’t mean to say what he said, but that didn’t excuse his actions. He crossed a line, and by the look of self hatred smothered all over his sorry face after the words left his mouth, you know he recognized how hateful and mean he sounded and he regretted it too.

“Don’t do that. Don’t pull that shit with me, Y/N. You know exactly what you’re doing, and I know what’s going through that head of yours,” Billy hissed in your ear, taunting you by getting up in your face, even laughing like a maniac as a scare tactic. Right now Billy looked like the poster boy for toxic masculinity and the green eyed monster. He puffed his chest out, making sure you feel smaller than him, and continued his accusations that went on for miles and miles.

It was quite the reach trying to punish you for touching someone else when he didn’t even have proper proof or any trust in you at all. In fact, it just sounded like insecurity bubbling to the surface that had been begging to be unleashed throughout yours and his entire relationship. The blonde backed you further into the corner of your room, wanting to put you in your place, make you feel intimidated. And you were. It was hard emotional labor you did, protecting him from others, but most of all protecting him from himself.

He’d been around the block before, cheated and been cheated on, and he thought in this critical stage of your relationship that you would’ve fled by now. That in this particular point in time it was make or break, so he chose the easy route; break. None of the unconditional love and care you showed made any sense to him, so he was on edge just looking for evidence that it was all just bullshit, that you’d betray him and then ultimately leave him like everybody else had in his life. And when he thought he finally saw the proof, you and your brother’s best friend talking close to eachother at his locker during passing period, he gave you his bratty attitude the rest of the day then backed you into the corner under your own roof not only tell you off, but to utterly disrespect you; not to mention wrongfully accuse you.

“Was he better than me? Bigger too? Mmhm, I bet he was, wasn’t he? Sweetheart,” he practically spat in your face when he didn’t care to wipe his mouth free of saliva as he continued to lecture you. You helplessly took the emotional beating he was giving as you exerted all the energy you had into not letting the tears brimming your scared eyes fall. You shook your head over and over, not finding the words to reassure him that he’s imagining things, and that this is not about you but about him.

“Not even gonna try denying it? Yeah, I fucking knew it. Nothing but a slutbag that just used me for my co—“

“ENOUGH already, you whiny fucking pig! I cannot believe what I’m hearing right now. Can you hear yourself? The way you’re talking to me right now, what you’re really saying?” You pushed his chest forward, not hard enough to wound him but not light enough to allow him to continue freely invading your space. That finally got him to shut the fuck up. “I’m the sluttiest slut, aren’t I? I sure am, because I just can’t keep my legs closed while giving my brother’s best friend the homework he missed! Insane, right?” You raised your voice then pointed your finger at him before he shoved it away from his face.

“Don’t point your fucking finger at me, look at what you’ve done!” His screams were soon replaced with whimpers as his voice grew weak, and in time faded to soft sobs that spriralled into hysterical bawling and you watched the scene unveil until the dam officially broke. He finally let go of all the anger and it got replaced with pathetic weeping. You let him crawl in your arms as you stayed standing while he sunk to his knees, wanting you to save him from himself once again. Pick up the pieces for him. You lowered down to his level and hugged him tight, hoping his tantrum was over so you could get him to finally talk to you and then a specialist. After ten to fifteen minutes, he rubbed his eyes like a child waking up from a nap, utterly exhausted and wiped out from thinking so much and feeling so scared of being replaced by another boy in your life. The tears eventually dried down his face, the mucus also drying from his nostrils, making him sniffle a handful of times. When he looked at you, he saw your own tears trailing down your shiny cheeks and he reached up to wipe them away before whispering, sounding completely broken;

“I’m still so angry with you.”

—

After the weekend went by, you both quietly agreed that you were due for a short break. However, the both of you neglected to communicate an important part and mention just how long the break should go on for, and he clearly thought he could step all over you then come crawling back the next Monday. You had been writing your analysis on one of Shakespeare’s stories for English with your stereo playing softly to keep your thoughts quiet. That’s when a rock nicked your window, and made you withdraw yourself from your assignment before investigating what it could be. And then another one flew, hitting the closed and covered window and by now you knew this was no accident.

You scrambled to quickly turn off your stereo and lower your lights down then hesitated when locking your window. It’s not that you were scared of him, but maybe more terrified of the daunting talk you’ll have to have with Billy in the near future that you just weren’t ready for emotionally. Having your boyfriend you strongly committed to spit at you and call you a whore in your face was hard to even think of alone without feeling nauseous and wanting to cry all over again. Now he was outside trying to come up to your room.

“Y/N!”

You layed low and shut your eyes, putting a hand over your mouth to stay silent, hearing him struggle to climb up before knocking on your window several times, then just giving up and attempting to open it.

“Babe, please. I want to talk. I’m ready now, and I’m sorry. I can wait till you’re ready, too. No pressure. I said some horrible shit, but I’ll — I’ll see someone, then I’ll m-make it up to you, and we can kiss and make up like old times, yeah?”

A minute later and no response on your end, Billy knew it was a no go. It was a long shot to even think she would open her window anyway. Soon he just said his goodbyes, ending it with a soft “I love you” and you heard him jump back down and start his car below and drive off. Finally you felt like you were able to breathe, and threw yourself back into your bed while covering yourself head to toe in your comforter and turned up your music louder than it was before he came, blocking out everything as sobs wrecked through you.

—

Billy was getting shakey and worried without you, drinking way more than what he’s used to, and it’s always whenever he looked in the mirror at himself or saw something that remotely related to an inside joke he had with you, or if it reminded him of your scent, your hair, or even your body. He had done enough self deprecating sober, now he just pitied himself as he drank.

You never shut him out as long as this, and he knew it was bad this time, really fucking bad. The teenager was aware that he deserved all that’s coming to him, but he just couldn’t believe you were really gonna do it. You weren’t going to speak to him, or acknowledge anything. You were going to lock your window whenever he tried to come over, and head to school early every morning so he couldn’t drive you anymore, even take great lengths to hide from him at lunch, which was usually a time you two spent together making out in his car or just talking.

Billy didn’t bother hiding how much of a mess he was at school or anywhere else without you by his side, showing up late to class with bags under his bloodshot eyes. He knew there was an opportunity hidden in this breakup, he could better himself instead, try harder to be a better more understanding and forgiving person. He could grow, and eventually maybe even win you back. Even though he knew he’d be pushing his luck pretty far.

But he just wasn’t capable of handling any of it on his own.

Knowing that this was probably the end of Billy and Y/N, he thought of one last resort at taking to you before he said goodbye.

—

You opened your curtains to reveal yourself this time when he knocked on your room window, but kept it shut as he looked at you through the glass, seeing your face for the first time in days. He couldn’t stop himself from staring at you while you just couldn’t look at him. He waved sheepishly before blowing his hot breath on your window, then writing “hi” with his fingertip on the fog he had made. You shook your head, then wondered what he wanted this time.

“If I let you in, what happens? Are you gonna cry and yell at me again?” You ask, your voice not hiding that you were close to tears and twiddling your fingers to try keeping busy. Billy grimaced at your words, even though they were muffled through the window he still clearly made out what you asked and it wasn’t looking good, he knew that. Couldn’t swoop you off your feet this time, or make a mess and have you clean it up because he was incapable and selfish.

“Checking up on you,” Billy murmurs, scrubbing his eyes in hopes it will keep them from watering. “I need to know that you’re taking care of yourself. I know how you get when you’re upset,” he finishes lamely, and although it was true he also just missed your voice, hearing it comforted him in a way. Made him feel like it was a shield from all harm. He held his breath as he carefully observed your every move, then almost gasped aloud when you unlocked your window and shoved the sliding glass open, allowing him in. It didn’t take him longer than a beat to come in, nearly too big to fit through the damn thing and knocking over things that were in the way, cursing and rapidly picking up what had fallen from his clumsiness. Wiping his sweaty palms at his jeans, he cautiously looks to you before lowering to your level where you sit.

“Have you been eating, baby? Drinking enough water?” He gently asks, seeing you look significantly different. More tired and exasperated than he’d ever seen you, and it was because of him.

All because of what he’d done.

Billy chokes another apology before grabbing your head with both hands and embracing you in his chest, helpless in keeping his soft sobs in. You’re no better, clutching at his jacket for life. You had battled yourself for the past week, not knowing if it would be healthy for you to go back to him and let him get away with treating you the way he did, saying the things that he said. Billy hadn’t ever thought about the affect he had on people, that words hurt even if they’re said in anger and not necessarily true in the long run.

“Your folks home right now? I kinda didn’t look for any cars in the driveway. I just climbed up here when I saw your light,” he mumbled as his lips layed kisses at the top of your head before smoothing our your hair and brushing our little tangles with his fingers.

“Dinner. They’re at dinner,” you answer, not letting him go from your grasp even if he wanted to. You’ve missed loving him and despised hating him.

“Wanna go eat? You also need to get hydrated, babe. I’m really sorry. I — I know I did this to you,” he gets the hair away from your face before caressing you’re cheek.

“I’m real sensitive, Billy. I have feelings and you — you scared me. Scared the shit out of me and just — you’re such a bully, and now you want to feed me, make it all better again? Erase it?” You let out, watching him crumble and look down in shame.

“‘M not, I know I can’t take it back. I just wanna take it fucking back,” he scrubs his face and drags his nails down his cheeks, making his skin turn a light pink. You pulled his hands away from himself to stop him, then held both his hands in yours.

“How is Max doing?”

“Huh?” Billy looked up.

“Max. I asked how your sister is doing,” you repeat for him.

“Oh, um, she like won this skateboarding contest thing. Got a free board for a prize, so she’s pretty happy, the little twerp.”

“Yeah?” You smile. “Good for her.”

“Mmhm,” he hums, stroking your hand in his. “I won’t ask you to forgive and forget, but just— I want to stay in touch, please? Knowing that you’re doing okay and all that. Sweet Jesus, did you even drink any water like I asked?” You snorted at the last part of his speech before he gets up to snatch a paper cup from the restroom and fills it to the brim, handing it to you and demanding you gulp it down while he watches. You roll your eyes but do it anyway, and you can’t hide that it tastes good given you hadn’t been taking good care of yourself lately. Billy stands and fills it for you three more times without being prompted, watching you drink it all.

“Happy?” You ask. He gives you a grin and fills up the same cup you used and drinks it himself while eyeing you playfully.

“Never happier, actually.”

—

if you wanna, you could listen to “look what you’ve done” by Jet, it’s soooo good and moody and that’s where I got the vibe for this.

#stranger things #billy hargrove x reader #billy hargrove imagine #billy hargrove #stranger things imagine

[underatedcharactersunite]

A Tale Of Two Souls; A Tale Of A Life Before

Summary; As Geralt and Y/N get accustomed to being a trio, Jaskier proves to be more observant than they originally considered as Jaskier asks Y/N a question that will take her back to a time she would have preferred to forget.  Pairing; Jaskier X Female Reader WordCount; 3350 Warnings; Angst, Mentions of death, torture, past abuse, Strong Language  Read Part 1 here

Series Masterlist 

"Credit where credit is due. That whole reverse psychology thing you did on them was brilliant by the way. Kill me. I'm ready." Geralt turned back glaring at Jaskier's impersonation of him. 

"That's the conclusion. They just let us go, and you give all of Nettly's coin to the Elves." 

"We were lucky. Filavandrel chose to spare our lives. Despite everything, he chose the right path. The coin should help them survive for a little while at least." You felt for Filavandrel truly. Elven history's battle to live equally among humans had been arduous and troublesome. Geralt was right, the humans were better at adapting to chaos. You wished that the Elves would find a way to survive, and one day perhaps humans would one day learn to accept the Elves. 

"Filavandrel's lute not gift enough for you." 

"Yeah she is a bit sexy, isn't she?" Over many travels and many miles across a variety of different lands, not once had you heard a man speak so lovely about an instrument before. Jaskier was as passionate about music as he was embracing other people. While others could dispute that the man currently wandering beside you was as a total fool? Was he? In the tavern, he had already proven his musical ability. So the monster's in Jaskier's had never existed before, that could not take Jaskier's talent away from him. 

"I do have respect for Filvandrel they survived the great cleansing once you know this. Maybe he could do it again. Be reborn." The thought of a war breaking out due to people's inability to be accepting one another made you think about your situation. Being outraged at Geralt for volunteering to die so immediately, had broken your heart to smithereens. Fighting monsters alongside Geralt had always been a deadly path, and you had accepted that long ago. Geralt voicing his willingness to die only confirmed that it could happen to all three of you at any given moment.

"Will the Elf King heed, what the Witcher entreats. Is history a wheel doomed to repeat" Jaskier's voice broke out into a beautiful melody, one filled with truth and sincerity. Bringing peacefulness like a warm bath after a long day, you listened as he played every note flawlessly. 

"No, that's...that's shit."  

"This is where we part ways, Bard, for good." 

“Look, I promised to change the public's tune about you. At least allow me to try. Furthermore, I think Y/N would miss me too much if we were to part ways so early." 

"Is that so Jaskier? We only met a matter of hours ago. How can you know what I am thinking? Unless you're telepathic, that is." 

"I know you've been looking at me, all doe-eyed." You stopped Tarot halting to look at the Bard who had been so courageous to challenge what he believed to have witnessed in your eyes. Releasing the Tarot's reigns, you advanced forwards towards Jaskier, his eyes being unable to pick a viewing point on your body. One moment, he was focused on your eyes then on your shoulder, then your lips. 

"Doe-eyed? At least I can make eye contact with you Jaskier. Perhaps it's you who becomes nervous around me. Tell me Jaskier, do I have that effect on, you all ready? If that's the case than travelling with us could be found tricky. Last chance to back out."

"Not a chance. I like the challenge I see set out in front of me." Sauntering backwards towards Tarot, you mounted her, giving her a gentle pet as you did so. The day had been long you anxiously anticipated the three of you finding a camp for the night. Hearing Geralt grunt, you knew he was conscious of the game that Jaskier had chosen to play. 

"You'll lose Bard."

"Not a chance." 

"We'll see Jaskier we'll see."With a gentle strum of his lute, Jaskier began to play a new song. Jaskier's nimble fingers worked effortlessly, as the song wrote itself. You wouldn't deny that the song was beautifully sung, however, the historical accuracy of the song appeared lacking. 

‘When a humble bard, graced the ride along with Geralt of Rivia and Y/N the enchanting Shieldmaiden Y/N. Along came this...song. From when the white wolf fought a silver-tongued devil, his army of elves at his hooves did they travel.  

They came after me, with masterful deceit. Brooke down my lute and they kicked in my teeth. While the Devil's horns, minced our tender meat and so cried the witcher he can't be bleat.’

"That's not how it happened. Where's your new-found respect?" 

"Respect doesn't make history." 

The three of you continued to ride onwards with no location in mind. The time in Posada had unquestionably been eventful. Never in your wildest dreams could you had fantasised of any of today's events. Especially Jaskier's introduction into your journey, previously you had been content with you and Geralt travelling the world alone.  

However, in a few short hours, Jaskier had successfully fought his way into our lives.  Despite the punch to his abdomen and Geralt and yourself warning Jaskier that the travelling life was not glamorous or simple. He preserved and never succumbed to persuasion. You and Geralt were officially stuck with the Bard. 

"I'm sorry." Your face creased as you Geralt apologise. In the past, whenever the two of you disputed, the two of you would give each other time until the other had calmed down and the two of you were able to discuss it calmly. Geralt approaching you first was unfamiliar. 

"You have nothing to apologise for Geralt. I was overreacting, that's all." 

"Y/N, I've never seen you overreact. Your thought process is always valid. I know I am not the best when it comes to emotions Witchers do not feel."

"Bullshit, I know you better than that. Besides, we both know you don't enjoy others knowing that you feel. I just did not appreciate how prepared and waiting you were to die. You are aware of how much I lost before I discovered you and Roach. While I've learnt how Witchers are, it does not mean I do not fear for your life every time we're in danger." 

Geralt inclined his head to look at you, riding side by side as Jaskier proceeded to play his new song ahead of you. Geralt appreciated your ability in reading his body language and mind. Many occasions, people had expected some variety of reasoning behind his actions, apart from you. You backed his decisions, and when you believed the situation ahead of you could be dealt with differently, you voiced those opinions. You didn't yell, or attempt to start an argument, you spoke gently and with conviction. 

"You know me too thoroughly. I didn't tell Filavandrel to kill me to harm you. If he was going to kill anyone, I would have rather it had been me. You and Jaskier have lives to live."

"As you do dear friend, fancy placing a friendly bet?" 

"Go on?" Your eyes twinkled in mischief, you adjusted your gaze to look over at Jaskier. 

"How long do you think it's going to be before he grows tired and asks one of us if he can ride on either Tarot or Roach? I say to the end of the dirt road when the path will become even more treacherous."

"Three Silver pieces says he cannot get to that large tree just in the distance." Shaking hands with Geralt, the three of you continue your journey as a brand new triage.  

                                                        ***

"I believe you owe me three silver pieces." Geralt's voice grumbled behind you. That was the last time you ever get Jaskier the benefit of the doubt. You had considered Jaskier would have been so immersed in his song that he would forget about his aching feet. Oh, how wrong you had been. The moment the luscious green tree had come into view, Jaskier had redirected back to you both. 

"Would any of you fancy allowing me to ride along with you...it's just my feet are extremely tired?" 

"Don't touch Roach!" 

"Okay, we're still overly possessive. What about you, my beautiful enchantress? You'll let me ride with you, will you not?" Sighing you looked down at Jaskier. You couldn't understand what was happening. You had precisely lost a bet to Geralt of Rivia. A bet that you had produced. The slight tug on Geralt's face knew that he was never going to let this go. 

"I don't know Jaskier. I'm sure we'll stop for camp soon. Perhaps you could walk for a little longer." Jaskier placed his hand over his heart, acting to be wounded while he paced backwards. In the few hours you had known Jaskier, you come to realise a lot about him. While he was confident and flirtatious, brilliant and creative, Jaskier could also be a total idiot. With his attention solely on you, Jaskier had forgotten on the rugged road that he currently stepped on. Unbeknownst to Jaskier in his path was a large and rough rock. Stepping onto the rock, Jaskier slipped onto the rock, tumbling over.

"Shit, Ow!" 

"Jaskier!" Jumping down from Tarot, you ran to his aid crouching beside him. Meanwhile, Geralt halted Roach remaining where he was. This was the second time in a matter of hours that Jaskier had injured himself. You were beginning to contemplate covering him up in some variety of guarding material. 

"What is it with you and rocks? Earlier, you had one thrown at your head, and now you've landed on one." 

"It's not my fault. If you would stop being so mesmerizing, then I would not keep distracted so easily. You smell good by the way. What is that?-Shit Y/N!" While Jaskier had been entirely oblivious to the situation before him, it had given you the perfect time to check him for any injuries. Unfortunately, the rock's edge was pretty sharp and sliced through Jaskier's overcoat and his undershirt. The wound appeared pretty deep. It wasn't something you could attend to on the side of the road. 

"How bad is it?" Geralt questioned, looking up at him, you slightly shook your head side to side, proving Geralt with all the information he needed to know. 

"What's going on? What's wrong with my back? Am I going to die? Dying in your arms Y/N, would not be the worst way to die, I suppose." 

"Jaskier, you are not going to die. Lesson two of being a Witcher's companion; you will, unfortunately, get the occasional injuries. We're going to get you on Tarot, and we will find a place to camp for the night." 

                                                         ***

That is how you ended up with a smug Witcher and an injured Bard. Withdrawing the money from the pouch, you placed the three silver pieces in his hand. Standing in front of him, you smirked. 

"The next time you will not be so lucky Geralt. Jaskier overcoat and undershirt off."

"Well, that didn't take as long as I thought it would." 

"Really? Do you want me to make this hurt way more than it has too." Jaskier suddenly became quiet as you approached him with the salve and the all of the bandages you currently had in your disposal. 

"Y/N, who are you?" Jaskier questioned, leaving you puzzled? It had been very apparent early on that Jaskier had heard of your adventures early on with Geralt. So why was he asking about your identity?

"You know who I am, the enchanting Shieldmaiden Y/N." As Jaskier hunched over sitting on a tree stump, you lightly cleaned the wound with some freshly boiled water off of the fire. Trying to clean the wound as painlessly as possible, Jaskier did not deserve to feel pain. 

"I heard what Geralt said to Filavandrel earlier, one human, the other's complicated. What did he mean by that?" 

"Enough Bard!" You stopped cleansing Jaskier's wound pulling away from him entirely. Your history before Geralt had been one you had desired to forget. While you knew it allowed you to become the person you aspired to become in the end, it was far from pleasant.  

"Geralt, he has a right to know. You desired to get rid of him, understanding who I am is enough to make him run a mile."

"The Bard is not my concern right now you are." 

"Geralt, it's better if he knows-" 

"As much as I enjoy the little back and forth you have going on right now. Am I not allowed to come up with my own judgement?" 

"This is going to hurt a little. If it gets too much, tell me to stop okay?" Dipping your fingertip into the salve that you made whenever you could find the right ingredients. Slowly, you began to spread the salve over Jaskier's wound, simultaneously hearing Jaskier wither in pain, your spare hand laid tenderly on his shoulder. 

"So before Geralt, so rudely interrupted, who are you exactly?" Gently rubbing the salve over the wound, you halted briefly. Repeating your history for Geralt had been challenging enough. He had understood the difficulties that the world often brought. Jaskier witnessed the world being light and merry the darkness happened elsewhere. 

"My name is Y/N, however before I encountered Geralt and Roach, my name was Princess Y/N of Autumndale. My Father had just learnt that he was about to become King when he met my Mother. You see my Mother was an intimidating, and powerful Sorceress. Everywhere she went, she frightened people to achieve her goals. There was no limit to my Mother's powers. 

Upon hearing my Father being an eligible bachelor, my Mother conducted a love potion, so there's no way she would lose the other potential candidates. As she expected the moment my Father laid eyes on her, he was put into a trance. No one could compare to her. Not long after that, they were married, and my Mother's plan began to unfold.

My Mother wanted to create an unstoppable creature. She had been using various creatures' blood and combining it with her own. However, what she didn't know was she was already pregnant with me. So instead of the spell serving on her. It was myself the spell worked on.” Finishing applying the salve onto Jaskier's back, you began to slowly wrap the bandage around his torso, when you wandered around him, Jaskier took ahold of your hand, running his thumb over your knuckles softly. 

"What happened when she found out?" 

“She wanted me to become like her. Cold and calculated. Heartless. She placed a mirage for the people they were never able to witness the reality of the situation they were in. 

From an early age, it was clear I was unlike my Mother in any way. I was always too kind, too diplomatic. Rather than destroying people, I used my powers for good. There was a farmer's boy whose shoes were rotten, without even realising what I was doing a new pair appeared in front of him. For punishment, I was locked away for a month. 

For years she attempted to turn me into her. I was forced to watch her experiments. I watched her kill people in front of me. She endeavoured to get me to kill people and conduct her tests. Time and time again I refused, getting thrown back into the same cell, left alone for months on end. She knew then she could not break me.”

"So, what happened?" 

"She exploited the situation to her advantage, or so she thought. She told everyone it had been me who was conducting the experiments, that I was a fraud. The person I allowed them to see was not my true self. The people believed her every word of course; however, my Mother had forgotten the only way a love potion could be broken." 

"How?"

"If the drinker of the love potion had fallen in love absolutely with someone. My Mother assumed that meant romantic love between two lovers. What she failed to release, it meant any form of true love. From the moment I was born, my Father had gradually begun to break a hold from her grasp. When he heard what she had done, he began to plan my escape. 

That night, my Father sent me off on foot, afraid the galloping of hooves would alert the town. I've never run so hard. Nowhere was safe.However, the people were not foolish and were on high alert. They came at me with stones and rocks, throwing anything they could at me. I continued to run as painful as it was. Every time something hit my body, it was more than a physical injury. It impacted me mentally. I failed them. Despite my powers, I didn't attempt to stop my Mother.  I fled from them. I wasn't the enemy, I wanted to help them and did so as frequently as I could. No matter the consequences.

In a state of desperation, I stole a horse and rode as hard as fast as I could. As soon as I got further away, I allowed the horse to go free. He was not mine, someone loved him, you could tell by the condition he was in.” 

"How did you meet Geralt?" 

"Now that's the lighter side of the story. I had been on my own for a little over a year, teaching myself to hunt and which plants and mushrooms were good to eat. I had been accustomed to being alone, in fact I quite enjoyed it. 

One day I was staggering through the forest when I came across a horse. She was sweet and didn't mind me talking to her. Being alone for a long time you don't get to be sociable. I stood with her for a while until I felt someone's blade on my neck. Geralt thought I was trying to steal Roach, which was far from the truth. However, back then, Geralt was encountering the same problem I was. We both were dealing with trust issues humans hated us because they are unable to deal with uniqueness. 

After everything that I'd been through, I was not willing to die. I and Geralt fought, at the time he was better at combat. He won easily. However, I pleaded to him for my life. I told him who I was, albeit with a blade on my throat. I never expected Geralt to offer me to become his companion. I never expected Geralt to teach me everything about surviving on my own. Geralt saved my life." Sending Geralt a tender smile, you witnessed his lips tug up ever so slightly. You owed him everything, and nothing nor anybody would ever stop you from protecting him as he had done you. Jaskier's reaction was peculiar he was dead silent. Fearing the worst, you attempted to remove your hand out of his grasp however, his only tightened. 

"Why did you think I would believe you're a monster? Do I come across like some variety of a judgemental Prick?" 

"Of course not Jaskier. I dreaded deeper than anything that you would fear me. That is the last thing I've wanted. It's not even been a day, and yet you've already grown on me. If you decide to stay-" 

"I promised Geralt that I would change the public's tune about him, and now it appears that I've got to prove to you that I'm not like those people who threw stones and rocks at you. Frankly, I do not mind in the slightest whether your entire human or a mixture of whatever creatures your mother was cruel enough to experiment on."

"I was not implying that you were like my previous subjects, but we have only known each other for a day, and you deserve to know who your travelling with." 

"I do not care if that's not what you were implying. I am going to prove to you that I am not like them, my enchanting beauty. I will prove it to you." 

#A Tale Of Two Souls #Jaskier imagines #Jaskier imagine #The Witcher imagine #The Witcher imagines #Jaskier one shot #Jaskier oneshot #The Witcher one shot #The Witcher oneshot

[storytime-hoe]

Tough Love Ch.7

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x O/C

Summary: Story picks up during season three as the group goes into Woodbury to rescue Glenn and Maggie from the Governor. However, they pick up another prisoner of Woodbury, Emma (O/C). She is a thief who fears friendships after her hard losses. She stays on the move, studying communities from afar and then robbing them blind. She has stayed alive this way for a while until the Governor catches her in the act. Now she finds herself with the group from the prison in a mission to kill the Governor for what he has done to her. She plans on stealing supplies from the prison group after the Governor is killed, but she might be growing a little too close to the groups members, especially one man in particular: Daryl Dixon.

Warnings: Slow burn, language, usual twd violence, mentions of abuse/rape

Authors Note: This one was really difficult for me to write because I wanted it to be so fucking perfect. I wrote it and re-wrote it about a thousand times and I am so drained that I just can’t get it to a place that I am 100% happy with. But it isn’t too terrible so here it is folks. Enjoy!

Previously: Ch.1      Ch.2       Ch.3       Ch.4     Ch.5      Ch.6

I had run for what felt like ages. My wild hair was pasted to my neck and bare arms with the sweat that dripped from me. Every heartbeat pounded in my ears along with the painful reminder that the Governor might be killing the Dixon's at any second now. I couldn't stop for a break, not when their lives could be at risk. 

I had told myself, ever since my little brother died, that I would never care for people again in order to save myself the pain and possibility of loosing them. But, the Dixon boys were a different case. I didn't really care about them like I had my brother. They were just a couple of nincompoops who I was willing to help this one time. Daryl was someone important to the prison group and after the way they reacted when he ran off for a few hours, I knew none of them would function if he actually died. And that would mean the whole killing the Governor plan would be fucked.

Down the road I spotted a figure that I had mindlessly assumed to be another Walker limping it’s way to me. It was not until I was closer that I realized that it was no Walker but Michonne.

 I slowed to a jog as I neared her, scanning her from head to toe. She looked a little rough around the edges, meaning she put up a fight with Merle no doubt. I had a sick thought that she might have killed him, she was fully capable. But would she?

"Where's Merle?"

She leaned her weight onto one leg, resting her hand on her hip. "He let me go. Said he had something to do."

I shook my head knowingly, looking passed her farther down the road. "He'll be at the Governor's outpost," I thought aloud. "Dumbass is going to get himself killed."

"Why do you care? Thought you only worried about yourself.”

That wasn’t exactly it, but I couldn’t let her know that. “I like to mix it up. Keeps people on their toes.”

I started up into a jog before she could say anything else to me. The outpost was where Rick was going to meet the Governor for the exchanging of Michonne. Merle would beat the Governor there probably. But what the hell was he planning? Why did he let Michonne go? The Governor would kill him on sight if he showed up with nothing to offer him, I was sure of it, and I knew he wasn't stupid enough to think any differently.

The sudden jar of loud music interrupted my thoughts. The music blared so loud that I pressed my hands to my ears out of instinct. I was positive every Walker in the area would be drawn to it something as loud as that. I ran from the road and towards the noise as well, even though every part in me was screaming for me not to. 

I came to the opening that was the outpost and slowly crept up along the run down buildings where I spotted several men from Woodbury holding their guns up to examine the source of the God awful noise. A car with its radio on full blast was the cause, and I had no doubt that it was planted there by Merle. This was his plan. What the actual fuck was he thinking?

When a gun shot came from a nearby window, picking the Governor's men off one by one, I knew Merle was behind that too. That fucker was still here and I needed to get to him before the Governor did. Once I pinpointed where the shots were coming from it was easy enough to slip into the building where Merle was perched with his gun propped on top of his metal covered hand.

"Merle, what the hell are you doing?"

He didn't look away from his gun and the targets he was picking off. "You shouldn't be here," he hissed back.

Before I could tell him to come back with me or that we needed him back at the prison alive, two men entered behind me. One of them knocked away my knife that I had in my hand and grabbed my arms, twisting them in an unnatural position. I puled against his hold with a growl of frustration, but I froze in place when the second guy raised his gun to my head. His cold eyes told me he had every intention of shooting me dead right then and there, which I actually preferred if it meant the Governor wouldn’t be getting his hands on me. But Merle had apparently grown a pair of balls, deciding to do something for someone other than himself, and jumped in the way, knocking the gun up just as the shot went off. My heart hammered in my chest as pieces of ceiling rained down from where the bullet had split through it. 

I didn't miss a beat after the blast went off to  head-butt my captor so I could rip free from his grasp. His nose made a sickening crack against my skull, but I didn’t dwell on it. Instead I went to lunge after my knife, wanting to have something to give me a sense of protection. But just as my hand went to close around it, something solid hit me in the stomach and knocked me to the dusty ground of the shitty building.

"You leave him to me," the Governor hissed out the command to his man who was probably itching to put a bullet in Merle.

His voice sent shivers down my spine and every hair on my body bristled to stand on end, which distracted from the way my insides felt like they were exploding after the kick I had taken. I turned my head towards the door to see him lingering there with his gun in hand. His deadly look was set on Merle and every muscle in me seized with the images of how he might kill him.

I think that is what gave me enough courage to scramble off of the floor and put myself between him and Merle. I had to stand my ground against him, no matter how weak he made me feel. I could not show him that he still had effect on me and that no matter how far away from him I got, he would still always control me.

The Governor was not intimidated by me in the slightest, however. I was dumb to think that I could protect Merle from this monster. He didn’t hesitate to throw his arm towards me, using the end of his gun the slap me across the face. The momentum sent me flying across the floor. He stood over me, his gaze raking up and down my body.

I thought for sure he would command his men to toss me into their truck and haul my ass back off to jolly Woodbury. But he didn't say anything at all. He was an unrecognizable man. His eye was glazed over with a darkness that I hadn’t seen in him before. He aimed his gun at me with a steady hand. When he pulled the trigger I was sure I yelp, thinking the target was going to be my heart. However, he went with shooting me in the thigh as to insure I wouldn't stand up again and get in his way, but still making it so I was alive to watch him fuck up Merle.

My adrenaline was so high I almost didn’t even feel that much pain at first. I wasn't planning on letting the wound stop me from jumping between them again until I felt the cool tip of a gun press to my fevered temple by one of his men. I froze, not doubting that this guy would be happy to blow my brains out if I gave him the chance.

I gnawed on my lip uselessly, watching the Governor wrestle with Merle who was never one to go down without a good fight. The worry that ate me up distracted me from the blood oozing out fast from my leg. I gulped when Merle was overtaken for a moment, the Governor pressing him against a wall, guttural yells of effort coming from both of them. Merle was pushing against him to free himself and I suppose the Governor was taking pointers from Walkers now because he crunched down hard on Merle's fingers, biting them clean off. My stomach lurched at the sight of the fingers being spit onto the ground where I sat.

My throat closed up when the Governor threw Merle onto a busted up table. He sported a venomous look as he hovered above Merle with his gun pointed down at him.

"I ain't gonna beg," Merle yelled at him in a raspy voice. "I ain't beggin' you." 

There was no mistaking the finality in his voice. Merle knew this was it. I felt it in the air and so did he, turning his head ever so slightly to catch my eye. He didn’t say anything, but I could heard all his single look told me a million different things. I saw how sorry he was for everything he has done. We both regretted so many things. We both had a lot to be sorry for when it came down to each other and the things we had said and done. We really were sorry too, no bullshit. Even though we never said it to each other, we knew. 

An eerie darkness washed over the room. Death himself had entered the room.

The Governor simply ground out a, "No," and the bullet was fired through Merle’s heart.

I was half aware of the inhuman sound that released from my throat. I fell forward and watched Merle fall to the ground in a lifeless heap. My hands shook violently and hot tears rolled down my face before I realized I had even started to cry.

"Leave her," the Governor ordered without sparing me another look. "Merle will take care of her."

Bastard. He couldn’t even kill me himself. That was too easy for him. He wanted me to suffer watching Merle change. I wasn’t even thinking about the change though as the men all left the building and I became vaguely aware of their cars driving away. All I felt was an overwhelming force of such sadness that fell onto me like a wet blanket. I could hardly breath it was suffocating me so much. I thought after my brother died that I would never feel that again, never get attached to people. I tried to make it that way. I really fucking did. But it was fucking no use. I wanted to stop feeling this hurt, but who was I without the pain. 

I sat in silence with the tears sticking my hair to the side of my face which was throbbing from where the Governor had bitch slapped me. My knife was clutched in my hand once more. I tried to bring myself to plunge it into Merle's head, but I couldn't. After all Merle had done to me: beat me, whip me, spit on me, curse at me, threaten me. Why couldn't I do it? Why couldn't I kill him before he turned? I sat beside him helplessly sobbing. Maybe because I really didn't hate Merle as much as I wanted to. He was a piece of worthless shit, but we had been through so much he sort of felt like family. 

There it was again. The fucking family thing. And the fucking hurt that came along with it. A cute package deal. I thought my family was all gone from the world, or at least that is what I wanted. But who would have thought that the world's biggest douchebag would be the one to put my heart through a fucking blender.

The growls of the newborn Walker that was once Merle perked me up from my stupor. I used the bench and wall beside me to pull myself to my feet and hobble out of the door. The Walker followed after me, growling louder and louder with each step he took.

A new round of tears returned to my eyes and before I knew it Merle was snapping in my face with his foul teeth. I screamed and pushed him away, still not wanting to kill him. Eventually, my leg became too much to limp on and I collapsed to the ground with Merle ready to take advantage of the situation.

I held my knife up and mumbled, "Please," under my breath a million times. I didn't want to do this. I had wanted to kill Merle a thousand times before, but this was different. He died saving my life. He died while helping us all by killing all those men. Merle Dixon, believe it or not, died a hero.

I waited for Merle to reach out for me, to take a chunk out of my leg and rip my skin from the bones. It never happened though. A whir of white wings on a leather vest zipped by me, my guardian angel, pushing the Walker to the ground.

Daryl held his crossbow down at his side as he took in the sight of his brother. I saw the moment reality hit him as his shoulders slumped and he let his crossbow slip from his hand and clatter to the ground. There was no mistaking the tears that gushed from his eyes as well while Merle slowly got to his feet again and stumbled at Daryl with his hand outstretched to him. I thought Daryl might let the Walker bite into him at first, but then the rage swept over him like a curtain.

He took out his knife and pushed Merle down to pin him against the dirt. He let the knife soar above his head before he brought it down into the skull of the Walker. The form went limp but Daryl wasn't done yet. Over and over and over again he brought the knife in and out of Merle's skull. Blood splattered all over him and all over myself as he continually stabbed the body angrily. My heart broke at the sight of him. He was so utterly consumed by the hurt and was dealing with it like he dealt with most things: with an unnatural amount of rage.

I couldn’t watch him be like that any longer. My hands started shaking again as crawled over and reached out for Daryl, knowing good and well that there was a possibility this unstable man could turn on me with the knife next. Too bad he didn’t.

 "It's over," I whimpered, swiping away my tears with the back of my hand. Then, more loudly, "Daryl! Stop it. It's over. Enough."

I pulled at his shoulders and he finally let me drag him off of the bloody mess that was once Merle. He laid back on the ground, propped up on his elbows. He didn't hold back his loud sobs, his shoulders shaking with an overwhelming amount of grief. Neither of us paid any attention to the other Walkers that were closing in on us. We needed a minute to process I think.

I sat on the ground behind Daryl with my leg getting worse by the second. He let me keep my arms wrapped around his chest, holding his back against me. He needed some sort of comfort right now, and I was all there was to give it. Even if he did hate me, someone had to get him through this. I lost a brother once too and God knows I could've used someone to hold to back then.

Within a minute though Daryl furiously wiped away at his face and grabbed his crossbow. He forced himself to his feet and away from me. When he looked back down at me he noticed my leg for the first time. I knew he would be angry about it because I came out here when he specifically told me not to, but he didn't say anything. If anything I thought he wavered with a look of guilt. Like this could have been was his fault it any way. Dumbass. 

He reached his hand out to me wordlessly and pulled me to my feet. He laced my arm around his neck and took most of my weight off of my leg, holding me across the waist, leading me back into the trees.

Walking all the way back to the prison was not an option with the state that I was in. So, we stopped at the first little town we came upon where I was set down a little too roughly onto the ground. I hissed through my teeth, but Daryl didn't notice. He tossed things out of his way and kicked trash that littered his path like a tempered child. He reached his target finally, a car with a busted out window, and started to get to work at making it run again.

"He saved my life, you know," I said, not knowing if he was really listening to me or not, but I couldn't sit in silence. I needed to talk about it, and he needed to know about it. "The Governor was there," I explained what he probably already knew. "Merle took out a dozen men on his own. I came in and found him and just as someone was about to shoot me dead he stopped it from happening."

"Is that how he died?" Daryl's voice was a little hoarse from crying, which broke my heart just a little more.

"No. The Governor wanted him to himself. He shot me in the leg to stop me from helping Merle. Then he shot him like it was nothing." I shook my head still processing what happened. "He left me there to be killed once Merle turned. I nearly was." I looked up at Daryl and silently thanked him for showing up to save me. 

He paused what he was doing under the hood of the car for a moment to hold my gaze. His squinted eyes were brimmed red from mourning for Merle. He chewed at his bottom lip. “Why did you even come?”

I shrugged, really not wanting to explain myself to him. “Sometimes I give a damn,” was all I offered him. 

Daryl kept his eyes on mine for a long time. I could see the battle happening in his head, him deciding if he should say what he was thinking or not. I guess he decided to go with the “not” option as he came back over to lift me off of the ground. "C'mon," he mumbled and brought me to the passenger seat. His coarse hands slid up under my shirt unintentionally as he was helping me, causing me to suck in a breath. I reddened immediately and mentally kicked myself for doing it. How could I be so childish at a time like this?

Once he was in the driver seat and had the car started, I got up the courage to talk again. "I'm sorry I couldn't save him."

Daryl's swallow was audible. "Ain't nothin' ya coulda done."

I tried to blink back the fresh tears but it was no use. "That asshole was right, though. I couldn't save my brother and... I'm just sorry I couldn't save yours either. Death just follows me." I swallowed thickly at the haunting memories. “Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood”

Daryl looked at me and bit at the skin around his thumb, something I noticed was a nervous habit. "What happened to your brother?"

I could tell he was sorry he asked it almost as soon as he did. I was shocked he was even curious about my life. Usually he kept to himself. But he was hurting, and he knew I could relate to it. Anything to help him cope.

"I was with my brother through most of this shit." I swallowed hard at his memory, a momentary distraction for the pain in my leg. "Our mom was at work and we were home alone at the trailer park. We managed to get out of there when everything happened, but our mom didn't make it. She turned. And I was the one to put her down."

"M'sorry," he muttered quietly, speeding towards the prison to get me to Hershel as soon as he could.

I shook my head. "I'm not. A hoard came by when I was with my brother and he was ripped right out of my hands. I watched them tear his flesh apart. I tried to hold onto his hand... I looked into his eyes as his blood covered hand slipped right out of mine. I made sure my mom was peaceful in the end. But his death. His death was a fucking nightmare."

Daryl pursed his lips and shook his head. "That ain't your fault either."

It felt weird talking to someone about this stuff again. The only other person who knew these things about me was Merle and that all died with him.

"I tried to stay away from groups for a long time," I admitted quietly, my voice growing weaker from the blood loss. "I don't want to get close to anyone else when I know I'll just end up loosing them too." My mind must really be fucked up right now. I was only partially aware of what I was saying anymore and I can assure you I would not have told anyone that weakness of mine under normal circumstances.

He scoffed. "That's bullshit. Ya can't live without people no more. We all need people to survive now. It's how it is."

"I'm sticking around until the Governor is dead. Then I'm out." It was the only option Rick had given me anyway, but I still felt a pang of guilt at only being half honest with Daryl. I'll stick around until the Governor is dead... then I'm robbing you blind. That is what I really meant.

I could see the disappointment he wore on his face at my decision. He wasn't my friend, so I didn't quite understand why he even cared that I leave. I really fucking wish I could read his mind sometimes. I suppose our relationship was sort of like his and Merle's was. We had our fights and did our damage to each other, but at the end of the day, whether we liked it or not, we couldn't keep from being drawn to each other.

He bit his lip and focused on the road as he drove. His grip on the wheel tightened and he wanted to argue with me as usual, but he didn't. "Okay. It's not my place to stop you."

"Damn straight."

"But Merle refused to believe that he needed anyone and look where it got him."

I clenched my jaw and glowered out the window, praying that we were almost there. My leg was getting worse by the second and my vision was starting to darken around the edges. I swayed in my seat a little and felt Daryl put a hand on my shoulder to steady me.

By the time we got back to the prison we had both cried our tears for Merle Dixon and helped each other get over it because we both knew that was how it had to be. The world really sucked sometimes, but you had to keep going.

I was too weak to step out of the car, but Daryl effortlessly scooped me out of the seat and cradled me in his arms. I didn't like needing help, but I was not about to complain about being pressed against him like this.

"My hero," I teased, trying my very best not to show how much my leg was actually bothering me or how my the world was spinning around me now.

"Don't make me drop your ass on the pavement," he grumbled back as he placed me onto a bed in one of the cell rooms. People we gathered around me to look at what had happened and I soon lost sight of Daryl.

I was relieved to find Hershel's somber face in the mix of everything but when he said, "I'm going to have to get the bullet out," my heart dropped down to my toes.

"Can you do it?" Someone asked.

"I can try. She is going to need medicine. We don't have a lot to spare. If someone else gets sick or injured during this war, then we won't have anything to help."

Rick was leaned against the doorway with his arms crossed. Carl was peaking in from behind him with his brow furrowed. I think I could've guessed how he wanted this to go. "Give her what she needs," Rick said. "If we need more later we can figure it out then."

The rest of their conversation went passed me without being heard. I blacked in and out of consciousness. Sweat ran down the sides of my face, coating the pillow I laid on. When they started to touch the wound on my leg I can remember screaming bloody murder. Glenn said something about the Walkers in the courtyard stacking up against the fence in one place, being drawn to my screams.

"She has to stay quiet," Rick warned and left with Glenn and Carl to take care of the fence.

A pair of strong arms held me down across the bed. I could tell it was Daryl by the way his long hair dripped sweat onto my chest every now and again. I tried my best to stay focused on him and not the pain. I reigned in on how he felt pressing me down and how he smelled like sweat and cigarettes and how he still managed to look attractive even when he looked worried as hell.

I would have liked to take more time taking in every part of him, but I thanked God when I finally passed out from it all.

***

Taglist:

@daryldixonandfrogs @jodiereedus22

#daryl dixon #twd daryl #daryl dixon fanfiction #twd #twd fanfiction #the walking dead #the walking dead fanfiction #the walking dead imagine #daryl x reader #daryl x oc #daryl dixon imagine #norman reedus #norman reedus daryl #reader x daryl dixon #daryl dixon x reader #daryl dixon fan fic #the walking dead daryl #the walking dead daryl dixon #the walking dead norman reedus #the walking dead fan fic

[hlycrwn]

“stop running from me,” tension ripples through his voice, irate and clipped and it’s far more frustration than it is anything else / with half-lies and not quite truths and this mockery of hiding and continuing this charade, as if he’s foolish enough to fall for such a farce. it’s unfair, perhaps, to have tracked him down like this. to want honesty in the face of —— them. he doesn’t fear him. he doesn’t. but he did. “stop /hiding/ from me.” who he should hide nothing from. in theory.

                ‘  IT’S NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK TO NORMAL  ’   :   COMMENTARY HE’S BEEN HEARING SINCE     the boy managed to harness the beast  ,  a muzzle cast over a snarling maw and bared fangs and he has always   known better   than to object   /   better to take the   wrongfully given   compliment than bring about an ultimately   pointless   argument     ━━━━━     even if he knows better   /   even if he knows the separation of monster   &   man is not so plainly severed as those who know him wish to believe .   the truth is   :   he crawled back up from the belly of the beast  ,  dragged his way out through bloodied teeth just to feel   sunlight   upon his face again   /   the truth is this   :   he did not kill the creature on his way up  .   it exists  ,  still  ,  growling and watching and   waiting   for the opportunity to   howl   its battle cries into the night  ,  forewarning to the   slaughter   it seeks to feel beneath its claws   ;   it’s nice to have you back   they say and he supposes as long as they can see his head they do not imagine the rest of his body exists only in   pieces   ,  fingers twitching in the curdling stomach acid of the demon he became   /   the demon he cannot simply   shed .

felix has never been so naive  ,  he knows  ,  as to believe the child could be borne again from the slit stomach of a creature such as this one   /   he is not so naive as to believe such a wound exists to crawl through in the first place and on one hand dimitri is   grateful   to know that he  ,  at least  ,  still sees him for what he is and   /   what he has become  ,  in the span between boyhood and a weighted crown . 

and on one hand  ,  it shakes him to his very core in ways no other could begin to replicate .

“   stop running from me   ”     felix says   &   dimitri knows he is being   unfair  ,  failing to meet his gaze as he   ,  instead  ,  runs his fingers along the smooth surface of a stream - sanded stone  ,  his steed some few feet away bathing itself in the enveloping sunlight .   he won’t ask how felix found him  ,  or why he cared to in the first place and instead he is   quiet   a long moment   ;   unfairness   in continuation as he reflects on past and present and makes   assumptions   regarding their future based on   memories   of two boys and their losses and   /   the way felix had   looked  at him  ,  once  ,  with a fear reserved for the devil himself   &   a disgust that lingered even when the   holy prince   was not within his view .   he has not forgotten what he was   /   is   /   the monster this boy had come to fear and hate and condemn  ,  his   walking nightmare   drenched in the blood of whatever was foolish enough to allow itself to stand within his grasp .   for all that he exists  ,  now  ,  attire scrubbed clean and this man willingly crawling into his bed with the descent of the sun beyond the horizon dimitri   knows better   than to think he has been forgiven   /   he knows better than to think   the thing   is somehow less horrifying simply because the man has been granted affection anew .   it is a   waiting game  ,  now  ,  of how much felix can stand to take before it is far  ,  far  too much   &   dimitri watches him slip through the spaces betwixt his fingers once more   /   only this time  ,  he won’t come back .   only this time  ,  what’s gone is gone and he only has   himself to blame .

“   stop hiding from me   ”     is the follow up and dimitri wonders how he can possibly be expected to do such   /   he wonders if the words would still be spoken if felix   knew   that just hours ago they had argued within the war room amid the company of his advisors and for a moment     ━━━━━     he’d wanted to hurt him .   or  ,  perhaps  ,  not   ‘ him ’   but rather he’d wanted   to hurt .   something  ,  anything   /   the image of a neck under his hands and the crunching of breaking bones filling his head somewhere in the   red haze   that began to warp his vision and the meeting had been ended early  ,  before he could permit the monster autonomy   /   before he could make yet another mistake in his   mountainous heap .

on some level  ,  the urge remains .   the rock beneath his fingertips cracks  ,  slightly   ;   he breathes  ,  trembling .

❛     ━━   i apologize .   i did not intend to worry you .     ❜               or to anger you  ,  he thinks  ,  but for all that that is   never   his intent it is impossible to ever truly tip toe around the lit fuse felix exists as at near all times .   he tries  ,  regardless .   failure is a familiar taste  ,  however unpleasant .               ❛     i  ...  simply needed a moment to breathe  ,  without the castle walls seeming to close in around me .     ❜

“   bullshit .   ”     an unsurprising response  ,  if he is being honest .     “   you just didn’t want me to see you getting angry .   like i couldn’t already tell .   ”     

silence .   felix is right  ,  of course .   but he doesn’t wish to speak of it .

“   dimitri .   i didn’t come all the way out here just to stare at your back .   ”     

not that he’s being given much of a choice .

and so he sighs  ,  places the rock back in the riverbed but does not   turn his head   ,   still   terrified   of what felix will see in the depths of his eyes   /   in the twitch of his brow   /   in the truth that exists within his chest  ,  each beat a promise that there is an   anger   within him  ,  and it will   never   truly die .               ❛     there is nothing i could say that you do not already know  ,  but if it pleases you i will confirm it .     ❜ 

❛     i do not wish for you to see me angry  ,  regardless of circumstance .   i am well aware that you do not believe me wholly pacified but i have inflicted more than enough horror upon you already   ;   if nothing else i may prevent myself from torturing you further  ,  with the removal of my presence .     ❜               there exists a list of  things he need atone for and upon it is him   /   them   /   the way dimitri would   smile   as he ripped the life from mangled bodies and he does not blame him for what became of the two of them   /   what they are now .   but he blames himself  ,  for near everything .   he imagines he always shall .

“   don’t pretend like this is a selfless act .   ”     comes the response  ,  as sharp and cold as ever despite the heat beneath his words  ,  the building anger  ,  the rising frustration     ━━━━━     the growing desire to force   savior king   to   listen   around the static buzzing in his head that insists only upon his own self - flagellation .     “   whether or not you think you’ll upset me what you really worry about is that i’ll disappear  ,  isn’t it ?   ”

silence .   time passes between the two of them  ,  felix’s accusation hanging in the air without answer   ;   of course it would spurn further irritation  ,  a low growl from behind him ‘fore felix is stomping over beside him  ,  single boot splashing in nearby water in harsh enough of a manner that it causes a small wave to crash into the hem of dimitri’s trousers  ,  dampening the cloth around his ankle .   his head lifts  ,  then  ,  gaze to finally meet with felix’s own as the other snaps out a sharp   :   “   well ?   ”

❛     ...  yes .   that would be my fear .     ❜               he replies  ,  softly  ,  after a   brief   moment .   felix makes a noise and dimitri continues before he can speak .               ❛     losing you once was easily one of the most painful experiences i have ever lived through .   i would sooner relive the moment of losing my eye again and again than look to my side and see your absence  ,  particularly when i know it is my own fault to begin with .   i understand how unfair it is to you  ,  to make such a blatant show of where the trust i have in you ends but i  ...  i cannot lose you again .   i cannot scare you away .     ❜                it would break me   ,  he thinks but does not add aloud   ;   no doubt it is heard regardless .

“   ...  you’re an idiot .   ”     felix says and it is an insult  ,  of course  ,  but dimitri does not miss the way the   edge   to his voice   /   to his expression has   softened   ever so slightly .     “   if i could be scared off so easily i wouldn’t have come back to you in the first place .   i already know about that other face you wear  ,  and how it’s as much a part of you as the fool in front of me .   ”     a shake of his head  ,  hand lifting to run through his hair .     “   i’m not afraid of your anger anymore  ,  dimitri  ,  and i’m telling you that i’m not going to just up and leave you .   so stop deciding what i feel and what i’m going to do for me . ”

blink .   blink blink .  

❛     ...  felix  ...     ❜               a soft utterance through parted lips  ,  eye slightly wide within its socket and it would be a lie to say that this alone is enough to soothe all his fears  ,  to   convince him   that he is not constantly a step away from pushing his lover away from him in a more permanent fashion but  ...  it helps .   or at least it helps here and now  ,  a chuckle escaping him as he shakes his head  ,  a sheepish smile to tug itself into existence   /   he will allow it  ,  this time  ,  this sense of momentary peace .   he will let himself believe he deserves it .               ❛     i see .   so that’s how you feel .     ❜               expression softening  ,  he reaches a hand up to be assisted in getting to his feet   /   he does not let go even after it is taken and he has been pulled to stand upright before him .  

❛     you are right  ,  of course  ,  and you have my apologies for the second time this afternoon .   it is unfair of me to assume your feelings on your behalf .     ❜               &   he leans down  ,  then  ,  to tap their foreheads together in the most gentle of actions  ,               ❛     i cannot promise that i will not seek to hide myself away when i fear my anger is too much  ,  even so .   but you have my word that i shall try otherwise .   you have put an immeasurable amount of trust in myself  ;  it is only fair that i learn to do the same for you .     ❜

@knightsdeath     /     oh  ,  a monster shall always be a monster    (  time  ,  dear boy  ;  and it will learn it may be loved even so  )

#knightsdeath #✦ . * : in this story / the king kneels before his knight ━━ * knightsdeath . #long post - #wish i could tell you why this is so fucking long but yknow #some things just gotta remain mysteries

[little-dragon-stories]

Forever linked

Part 10: bullshit related

After a hurtful breakup she didn’t see coming, y/n is back in her country. But soon, she discovers that the man she has to forget is now linked to her, forever.

W.C 2554

Warning: some bad words

It was all over the tabloids, the social media and even on the news. You didn’t have to search at all, as soon as you opened the internet, you knew exactly what Jiyong was talking about 2 seconds ago via texts.

"A close source to the singer is very scared for Bigbang’s leader G-Dragon, his mental health and the future of Bigbang. According to that person, Kwon Jiyong has been in a toxic relationship for several years with this pregnant woman you can see on those pictures taken yesterday, she was also caught on camera a few times in the past but her “staff member” pass has made the rumors stopped fast among the fans. Apparently, she was G-Dragon girlfriend for the past 4 or 5 years”.

There were pictures of you and Daesung everywhere you looked. Those pictures have been taken yesterday as the two of you went out to buy some food at the grocery store. Although you don’t hold hands or kissed on the pictures, for someone who doesn’t know your real relation with Dae, you might look like a young couple.

« Our anonymous source says that for the last month of her relation with GD, she was having an affair with Daesung. Now she’s pregnant as you can see on the pictures and nobody knows who the real father is. This could explain why G-Dragon was seen in differents clubs for the last few weeks, often drunk, he must feel doubly betrayed by his own girlfriend and one of his best friend. Apparently he broke up with her, not able to trust her anymore.

What the hell? You needed to stop the video you were watching, taking your breath.

“Apparently, GD is denying paternity, he’s not ready to be a father and he agreed that Daesung would raise the child like his own even though nobody knows who the father is as I said earlier”.

Pictures of you and Daesung were displaying in the background while the commentator was talking. On all of those pictures, you looked like a cute little couple doing domestic things: carrying grocery bags, entering the pastry with your arms under his, getting out of there with a cake in a box smiling brightly, entering Dae’s building apartment. They have chosen the ones where you looked “close” to Dae.

On one picture, he has a hand on your belly, trying to feel your daughter’s movements. You remember what he was telling you then, it’s still crystal clear in your memory. He was laughing, talking about all the things he will do with her when she will be older. He was happy to have a little niece, telling you that you should give Jiyong a second chance. Nothing even close to what they said on the news.

«According to that person close to the band, this woman on the pictures is manipulative and constantly craving for attention, money and luxurious gifts. She even used psychological violence against both of the boys, threatening them several times. If that contact talked to the medias, it’s because she wants to help GD and Daesung before their constant fight force Bigbang to dismembered.»

You didn’t even know how to react to this crap. Are you going to cry or laugh? You would like to do both at the same time. You decided that it was enough for today, you have read enough bad things about yourself, you can’t take it any longer. Regardless of all that bad stuff that they said about you, what scared you the most is what your daughter will think about you, when she can read those articles a few years from now. Will she believe those atrocity? Will she think you tried to trap her father for his money? That you were a bad girlfriend to him? A bad friend for her godfather?

You heard Jiyong entered Dae’s house. As soon as he came in the living room, he kneel down in front of you, he obviously cried before he came in. With his hands on his face to hide himself from your sight, he even placed his forehead direct on the floor. The only thing you could hear him say was «I’m so sorry Kkul, please forgive me». You sat on the floor in front of him and as soon as he lift up his torso, you encircled his waist before you nuzzled your nose in the crook of his neck. That sensation, that feeling you have to be against him is so comforting, you could cry right now. You missed those cuddles so much, that proximity with him. With Ji by your side, you know you can face it all but that’s the thing, he’s not “really” by your side. You are apart now, dismembered from that wonderful duo you once formed.

«Jiyong, you didn’t call the media, it’s not your fault»

«It’s my fault, I chose to be with that girl, please forgive me Kkulie, please». It was difficult to say otherwise so you just stay silent, holding him closely in your arms.

«What have I done to deserve you Kkulie? How on earth are you not mad at me, are you an angel”?

“I am mad at your ex, I’m so fucking mad at her, I could scratch her eyes out and peeled her alive. You didn’t call the journalist yourself, Ji. You made a mistake, you chose a bad person to sleep with. That’s your only fault”.

“I don’t deserve you Kkul. I think I’m going crazy. I keep making mistakes one after the other since I broke up with you. I’m fucked up”.

You thighter your arms around him, dragging him closer to you. You can tell, he lost a lot of weight since you last saw him. Suddenly, his mood changed completely. He slided an arm between you and placed his palm on your tummy, cupping your little bump very softly, caressing your exposed bare skin.

“Hello my mermaid princess” he inhaled and exhaled deeply, trying to collected himself. He was shocked by the news and overwhelmed to feel his little girl once again. Happier than he would have expected from a simple indirect contact with that little human growing up inside of you.

“Appa hasn’t take good life decisions recently but for you, I will always do my best, I promise you that. I won’t be selfish when it comes to you. And I want to be a better person for your wonderful mother as well. You know, your mother is the best you could have, right? I’m sure you know it already. Hey, you want to move for me my princess? You want to kick my hand?”

“Ji, she’s moving right now, like every time she hears your voice, I feel her, do you?” You placed his hand a little more on the left and applied a light pression where you felt the movement.

“No… I don’t feel her at all.” He was concentrate. “You still made her hear my voice, even when you were mad at me?”

“At least twice a day. I want her to know you, you want to be present for her so I made her listened to you. Thanks to your fans, she can hear your asmr”. He smiled and caressed your cheek softly before he placed a light kiss on your forehead.

‘Kkulie… Tell me what that monster told you, please. I’m begging you”.

You will tell him because he needs to know how she really is. You stood up and sit down on the couch, followed by him. Side by side, with his and your hand on your tummy you remained silent for a few minutes. He let you time to put your ideas in order. He has to know how mean she is, her real personality. There’s no doubt in your mind, everything she told you is crap, Jiyong could never said those words. What you shared with him was too precious, he wouldn’t talk shit on your back to her, a perfect stranger.

“She told me you were not happy with me, that you were feeling trapped, that I was not good in bed and you were not satisfied, she…”

“What the hell, you didn't believe those words right? You couldn’t believed this bullshit”.

“Well Ji, yes and no… you always had a more intense sexual drive than me…”

“Kkulie, it’s not even true, sometimes you were the one with the biggest drive, sometimes it was me. I was more than satisfied, we were having…”

“Jiyong, I know, I was there too. I know we had good sex. What I'm saying is maybe you wanted it more often or more... I don’t know. Let’s not discuss our past sexual life please, it makes me uncomfortable”.

“Kkulie, we couldn’t stop touching each other, sexually or not. You and me, it really worked, proof we had sex after our break-up because we were craving each other’s magic touch. Never doubt that, well unless you were not satisfied”.

“I was, you know it Ji. But thanks for comforting me. Also… the worst part. She called our baby a fucking ugly fetus and said that you don’t want her or me in your life, that you have no choice, shit like that”.

That’s when his tears fell down on his cheeks. Jiyong is a very discrete man when it comes to sadness, he usually doesn’t cry in front of other people. You can count on one hand the number of times you’ve seen him shedding tears. But now, it seemed like he’s not able to contain himself at all.

“Y/n, you don’t believe it don’t you? Is this the reason why you didn’t want to talk to me anymore”?

“I was protecting myself Jiyong. Even if I know you are happy about my pregnancy, the truth is you are still trapped with me even though you broke up. Your ultimate goal to be free, long time gone. You wanted your freedom and I accidently trapped you with the biggest responsibility you will ever have”.

He was about to answered when Daesung entered the living room with his girlfriend, sweating after a long jogging together. They were so cute, laughing and teasing each other, obviously non aware of the drama they were involved in.

“Ji, what a good surprise. You will eat diner with us?”

He came and replaced your hand with his on your belly, to feel your little girl.

“Hello princess, it’s uncle Dae. You must be happy your mom and dad are talking right? Kick if you agree”.

He probably didn’t open his phone at all. He doesn’t know the drama.

“Guys, there was a journalist outside that asked me if I was happy to be a father soon” he said smiling.

Jiyong stood up suddenly, making you jump out of fear.

“What have you said?” Ji was nervous, he placed both of his hands on Dae’s shoulders and looked at him in the eyes.

“What have you answered Dae, it’s important”.

“Well, I laughed and said I was not gonna a be a father soon. I said they must have seen me with my best friend and drummer teacher but she was pregnant from another man than me, but I told them I will be the godfather so you have no choice now but to name me he said, proud of himself.

Just like that, without knowing the drama that was playing in the medias, Dae had almost solved the whole problem. Ji was so happy, he hugged his friend and kissed him on the cheeks.

“You must have turned off your phone, open it now. I’m sure your voicemail is full. Also, look at this…”

He and his girlfriend laughed so bad, they were grabbing their stomach, crying from so much laughter. You couldn’t tell what was so funny, Jiyong either. You and looked at each other in disbelief.

“Well, forget all this Jiyong hyung, in 2 days it will be over”.

“I don’t agree Dae, it’s another fucking scandal, your country is very good at creating scandal where it would be just a little gossip in mine”.

“I agree with Kkul”, Jiyong add.

You really want to believe it, you wish Dae is right but you are scared it won’t be that easy.

“That’s the reason why there were journalist in front of the building, now I understand. Let me handle this please hyung. I’m having so much fun, please…”

“No, we need to elaborate a strategy with the compagny”, Ji said.

“Ji, maybe Dae is right. His attitude is so refreshing, people won’t doubt his sincerity. You are too tense, you wouldn’t be credible on camera. I think you should let Dae handle this”.

“Y/n… no. I’m not sure”.

“Hyung, trust me. I will make it better for the two of you, may I, please it’s too funny”

“Kang Daesung, the things they said about my girl aren’t funny at all, they dismissed her, they talked shit about her. We should told them we will sue all the media for the serious damage of her reputation.

“We might, if the thing goes on. For now, we should just try to act cool about it all, pretending like we don’t care. Otherwise, they will dig the story endlessly”.

“Jiyong, I think Dae is right. Let him act cool about it. We’ll see how things goes after that”.

And just like that, with his bright smile, Dae pretended to get out of his building and “oh, surprise there are journalists”. He and his girl had take a shower and dressed up for the night, blinking at you before they left for a night out, telling you you have a few hours to make things up between you and Ji, that you should use that precious time intelligently.

Dae laughed when the journalists asked him about the paternity, Jiyong and you. From a question to another, if you read his answers all together, it would look like this:

“No, I’m not the father of my friend’s child, the woman on the pictures you saw today is my best friend and drum teacher and she’s pregnant from another man. She lives here with me for a few weeks, by the time their apartment is ready. No, there is no doubt about who the father and it’s not me. I’m not going to tell you if she’s Jiyong hyung ex-girlfriend since it’s not my story to tell but hers. No, she’s not manipulative at all, she’s kind and caring and I will be the proud godfather of her child so please stop saying bad things about her, you will end up hurting my little princess as well. Jiyong and I are absolutely not fighting, he’s one of my best friend in this world and I like to believe that none of us would betrayed our friendship like that. Please, make sure you tell everybody that my friend is an angel, not the violent person you described on the news. If you see me and her together, please respect our privacy, she and her baby doen’t need to suffered from bigbang’s popularity now please, I have to go. Have a good evening”.

Just like that, with help from Daesung, the story started to fade away, little by little.

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