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lunarrwolf · 3 years

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mini series coming soon!!

since you guys got me over 300 followers, i held up my end of my own deal and was finally able to think up the first of a 100% written series (social media included only when needed to build the story).

there will only be two for now but i want to get the sykkuno series a good ways in before bringing in new content like this! i’ve been a writer since middle school and have major writer’s block for a book i’m working on rn so i’m really excited about writing an actual story for lunarrwolf! these are the banners, very tiny synopses, and sneak peek excerpts for DAYWALKER!s and Siren Woods

s.h warning: siren woods will not be for the faint of heart as it will be put in the category of a psychological thriller. it will contain suspense, fear(s), anxiety and/or mentions of depression, isolation and swearing

d.w!s warning: this is an apocalyptic world w/o zombies. it will contain violence, anxiety, entrapment, fear(s) and swearing

disclaimer: i will do my absolutely best not to treat either of these as if they were actual novels. i plan on putting in comedic lines and scenes to lower any thriller/horror vibes from the stories, and not too go too far to avoid truly triggering myself or anyone else. warnings will only be issued in chapters that are going to actually include one or more of above the above. but if anyone who reads them in the future have issues do not feel like you need to keep reading.

DAYWALKER!s

a variety youtuber mini series

summary

ten creators find themselves amidst a city with an oddly familiar vibe, a weird yet intimidating apocalyptic appearance, and hundreds of strangers that feel the need to do nothing but fight their way through the city. even if that means to the death.

excerpt

“You’re all going to die, you know.. so you might as well give up now and let it take over.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

You blinked at the growl woven in with your friend’s deep voice, knowing for sure that if you were in an animation a sweat drop would be making its way down the side of your head. He hated confrontation more than anyone here but when it came to his friends, and being trapped in a place like this? Who knew what damage he would do to keep them safe.

The man ahead of the group did nothing but stand there with a mocking grin on his face. It was unnerving, and dare say almost bloodthirsty. There was no amount of sanity or free will from where you all stood just a couple of yards away, and just that thought alone chilled you to the core.

“Corpse.. maybe you shouldn’t.” You stated, stepping closer to him to lower the risk of the strange man hearing the second part. “I don’t like the looks of that guy even from over here. We’ve already had to deal with a ton of crazy shit since finding each other. We can’t risk losing our only real muscle of the group.”

Ignoring the offended voices of Sean and Ludwig, the man with the torn mask looked at you only when you put a hand on his shoulder. It took sharing glances and seeing head shakes from most of the others to have him loosen the fist his hand was already in. Standing up straight, you watched as he rolled his shoulders, jaw still clenched from the tension. Rae was taking advantage of the off putting interaction and explored the small area, so capturing everyone’s attention when Corpse relaxed a bit wasn’t hard. “It’s gonna be a tight fit but I think we can make it work.”

“Whoa.”

“Where did you learn how to hotwire a car?” Ethan questioned, being the first to make his way toward the beaten vehicle.

“Video games?” The brunette answered, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. She hit the side of the driver door twice, motioning to the group. “Now get your asses in here before that guy decides to pull a Resident Evil zombie sprint on us.”

“Yes ma’am.” Sykkuno saluted, earning chuckles that were a rare sight since ending up here. The two of you didn’t waste time in calling the front seats beside Rae and Ethan, forcing everyone else to get in the back of the truck and make it work. No one could complain, though, seeing the circumstances you were all in.

It took a few seconds of revving the seemingly old engine before the machine began making its way. You could actually hear the ones in the back shift around to get in more comfortable positions for however long a ride it would be. The girl behind the wheel didn’t pay any mind to the stranger that watched her drive you all away, but you did. And even when he continued to shrink in distance and eventually disappeared, you knew his words would stay with you.

“You’re wasting your time! No one gets out of Mirror City!!”

Siren Woods

a variety youtuber mini series

summary

seven internet personalities find themselves in the middle of an old town myth as they take a break from their careers and head up towards a rural mountain area. among every spooky or jumpy experience with a horror game here and there, never did any of them think they’d end up in this situation.

excerpt

The fire crackled with a sense of release, almost as if this large flame represented the time everyone needed away from their jobs. After how crazy the media has become the past few weeks, you and your friends agreed that a trip towards a much lesser known area would do you all well. It was a teenagers on summer break scene where everyone was gathered around a campfire in the backyard of a lake house, telling stories to either amuse or scare each other. Seán and Ethan were the first to do so, tag teaming in a very dramatic reenactment of the first time they met in person, which of course had to be followed by your own scene with Y/F/N.

Time flew by and before you knew it, the sun was completely set and the darkest shade of navy possible was barely lit with a crescent moon and a few stars. The only real source of light was the fire, illuminating the six faces in an orange glow. Any laughter died down minutes ago, leaving a silence that was comfortable for everyone. “You guys want to hear a funny story?”

Squinting at the man sitting in the log across from you, you leaned forward, hands folded in your lap. “Funny haha or funny we might want to kill you after we hear it?”

“Uh..” Corpse met your gaze immediately, his mask somehow looking more eerie with the natural lighting. “Funny kind of hoping you won’t kill me, if I’m being honest.” He confirmed, leaning forward himself to warm up his hands while the rest of you debated on whether to let him tell it.

After a few minutes, and three overtaking two, he was allowed to do so. It was an old myth of the town you all resided in for the week; a Slenderman type of entity of the forest that the locals from dozens of years before chose to call Siren Head. The name stuck once old photos were found and set up in the small museum in the Common. He stood at forty feet tall, with two megaphones for heads and tangled wires for a torso. He had the ability to perfectly mimic broadcasts, conversations, sirens and screams, and had been said to only emit white noise if ever asleep. Speed nearly matched that of a cheetah and his strength was unbelievably high due to his size. Every sighting of said species had only been released by victims, and it was an urban tale that stood alive to this very day.

Rae was on the grass now, legs crossed one over the other as she tried to look at everyone at once. “Why the hell did we all come to a place called Siren Woods, then?!”

“Well.. the town looked really nice online, and it’s living up to that. And I thought siren meant more mermaid than a freaky Creepypasta-type thing.” Sykkuno could do nothing but respond with nerves showing through his face and every subtle movement of his body as he explained why he ended up agreeing with the destination.

“Yeah, I did too.” Y/F/N piped in, shrugging her innocence as you all began telling your sides. “Who doesn’t think of a mermaid when you hear the word siren?! That’s basically what they are.”

“I, for one, think we should find another place to stay.” Ethan spoke up.

Seán gaped at his longest friend in the group, “You don’t actually believe in that.”

“I’m not taking any chances, dude. Those people believe in that thing enough to build a whole section of the museum for it.”

You watched your friends go back and forth, some freaked out by the story but not believing it was real while the rest wanted to find a new vacation spot. “What do you think, Y/N?”

You turned to Corpse, blinking as the simple question processed in your mind. “I’m with Ethan on this.. even if that thing isn’t an actual being the belief here is hardcore.” Three faces lit up in relief while the roommate, Irishman, and faceless internet persona felt differently. “Let me finish..” you sighed, “Let’s stay another night but keep an extra cautious eye on Spencer and Luna. Animals have a sort of sixth sense, so if anything weird happens they’ll warn us. Deal?”

Y/F/N shared a glance with you, letting out a sigh of her own. “Suddenly I’m feeling a lot better that we brought our dogs instead of getting sitters.” She bent down to pet the canines laying between the logs, hoping if they did bark it would just be from a resident knocking on the door.

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bornadreamer · 4 years

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My watch dogs 2 headcanons

Sitara:

Aro/Ace (not just because she wears the flag colors lol)

Dedsec is a big queerplatonic relationship for her. She loves all the guys so much and would kill for them, but as soon as someone mentions her fucking one she kinda just *vomit emoji*

Hyper protective of kids. After the mission with her niece she dedicates at least 10 hours a week to developing software to protect kids on the internet/root out pedos

Hardcore listens to nature noises while she paints/sketches

Fantastic at calling people out on their bullshit. She does NOT let the guys get away with anything demeaning/sexist, even by accident. To their credit, they always apologize and try to do better

Loves weird/facey tea flavors. One time she brought back a bbq boba tea and everyone else gagged.

Knows everyone’s triggers and actively purges them from Dedsec feeds before the others can see

Crazy wine aunt vibes. Will care for you when sick, but will roast you for how you acted like a baby after.

When she gets panic attacks, she needs weighted blankets. Like, enough to break a few ribs. Wrench sat on her once. It actually helped.

Loves She-ra. Hacked the studio to watch the eps being made and yelled at the screen like a banshee the whole time. The boys were very afraid.

Horatio:

Actual only straight person in the group. The butt of so, so many jokes.

He, like Marcus, LOVES fashion. While he can’t wear what he wants all the time due to his undercover persona, he buys fashion mags like nobody’s business. Can name his ten favorite designers off the top of his head.

A little bit very OCD, though you can’t tell by looking at him. Ratio is very anal about what goes where. Everyone knows not to go near his station in the hackerspace.

One time Wrench knocked over his desk (nearly destroying his rig) and Ratio’s stuff went flying. Wrench almost had a guilt meltdown. Luckily, Sitara had a picture and they managed to put everything back almost exactly. Almost.

Stress cleans. When his undercover stuff is really getting to him, he’ll kick everyone out of the hackerspace and just. Clean. For hours. When they’re allowed back in you could eat off the floor.

Since he can’t be around all the time, he gets little gifts for everyone and leaves them at their stations to show that he’s thinking about them.

Wrench:

We been knew that the boy is suicidal, but he’s manic-depressive bipolar as well (also not shocking)

ADHD

Self medicated with every kind of drug out there.

Marcus and Josh eventually beat him down enough to take Meds That Are Actually Helpful. Sitara mediates. It was A Process.

All of his fingers are broken from one thing or another, it made him really self conscious when he Marcus and Josh started dating. He didn’t like holding hands because he felt his were ugly.

Texts solely through emojis like fucking hieroglyphs. Half the time nobody knows what he’s saying. He has no intention to stop. It drives everyone nuts.

Likes to be the middle spoon, with Marcus as the big and Josh as the little

DO NOT let him consume more than three cups of coffee. He will not sleep for days.

The first few weeks of sleeping with Josh and Marcus he doesn’t take his mask off. He’s terrified. Finally, they manage to get im comfortable enough to do so and his boyfriends have a great time kissing every inch of his face. He laugh-cried from relief.

He and Marcus have terrible hacker movie night. They watch cheesy hacker moves and laugh at how bad everything is.

Squishy toys help relax him when he’s having a bad manic episode or an anxiety attack.

Josh:

Also hardcore ADHD

Somewhere on the autism spectrum as well.

Marcus’s first gift to him as his boyfriend was a chewy necklace, since he needs his hands to hack. It actually helped more than he thought it would.

Most of the time he totally forgets he has it, though

Unironically enjoys black and white television. He’ll have I Love Lucy running for audio while he’s working. Sometimes he even turns on the blind narration.

Horatio and Marcus switch off on making him blind narration eps. They have a ball with it.

Lists. Lists. Lists. This boy has a timed checklist for almost every day. His phone will ping and won’t stop until he Does The Thing. When he’s really in the zone and doesn’t hear it everyone at Dedsec kind of wants to kill him.

Sometimes Marcus and Wrench need to tag team who coaxes him into the shower and who does his laundry while he’s distracted because this boy is a fucking disaster. They both fucking hate his green hoodie.

Must Hack. There is nothing else But The Hack.

Will crack if you say enough bad puns. It’s really the only humor he can get behind

When he does his happy stim (flappy hands) everyone at Dedsec just does from cuteness overload

Loves slow, lazy kissing in the morning or right before bed. It’s the only time his brain slows down enough to really enjoy it before he goes into work mode

Marcus:

He and Ratio have the deepest discussions about fashion. They both lose their minds at John Boyega and Orville Peck

Marcus loves to shop! He drags Wrench and Josh with him for opinions, though neither of them really care they love how happy it makes him. Sitara is his real shopping companion, she Knows what looks good on him.

He’s the only neurotypical person in Dedsec. Boy was THAT and adjustment. Marus spent months after he joined reading up on everyone’s conditions and how to best help. He feels like a pro now, but is eager to learn. He stayed updated on all medical research.

Marcus works with Sitara to prepare little emergency ‘fit-kits’ as they call them, for everyone. He can pull them out when someone’s having an episode and help them through it.

It can be a struggle to make sure both his boyfriends are on their meds and keeping themselves healthy, but he’s happy to do it. Marcus can take almost anything life throws at him

Organizes hack offs within the group just to show off, basically. The only one who has beaten him so far is Josh.

Josh isn’t into clubbing, so Marcus and Wrench party hard. When they come home they binge one of Josh’s old shows until all three fall asleep on the couch.

Tasers pedos and rapists on sight, unless he’s on mission.

He goes back for them after

Terrified of motorcycles but loves weird cars.

He’s jewish and keeps a menorah at the hackerspace. Everyone loves to help him celebrate.

#watch dogs 2 #marcus #wrench #sitara #josh #horatio #dedsec #maddy rambles #mine #my hcs #headcanons #long post #marcusxwrenchxjosh

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kageyama-tho · 4 years

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Based of your crushing hcs for Iwa, can I please get him hardcore crushing on a girl and she really likes him too but he starts to ignore her since he wants to deny his feelings and she’s pretty hurt when he straight up scowls and ignores her when she tried to greet him ect, so she just avoids him at all costs because of how heartbroken she is. and it takes Oikawa of all people to set that boy straight. It’s up to you whether reader forgives him or not

aw aw aw

Iwaizumi :

At this point, the ace was becoming quite familiar with his feelings that have been lingering and intensifying within every thought. All those thoughts had you as the main character in the romanticised scenarios in his head. Hate - that was what he wanted to feel as you were plaguing his mind eventually.

His attempts at finding anything wrong with you that could possibly cause him to dislike you were useless. Nobody is perfect, but you? He couldn’t think of anything he could dislike. Truth was though, Iwaizumi refused to admit he liked you. “Stupid girl.” the two words echoed in his already occupied brain. But there was irony in that. Of course you are intelligent and he recognised that a long time ago - no, the irony was that the negative bubbles were burrowed in his mind while his eyes quite penetrated through your being. He was admiring every feature of your hair, your face, your figure, the beauty of your heart - while simultaneously hating on you.

He watched as you quickly turned your head and playfully winked at him. His cheeks burned from the heat, especially when the wink was followed by the cuteness of your smile. The ace swiftly turned away, pretending he didn’t just fully fall for you.

There is no denying you instantly noticed the change in his behaviour. You were concerned that all of a sudden all your texts were ignored and well, there wasn’t much contact in the real world either. It did hurt you, but at the same time - the staring and your instinct! It just had to tell you something, right? He definitely wanted to talk to you and you were going to find out what happened. Your first thought was ‘maybe he is going through a difficult time and doesn’t know how to approach people about it so he does the exact opposite’. It is important to think about the ‘other side’. The other person may be suffering too, some people react a certain way because of any reason, any issue. You thought that maybe you had said something wrong, but you failed to see a fault of your own.

It was okay if he didn’t want to be friends anymore, not everyone clicks with everyone. But you two were progressing with your friendship so you were confused about the sudden switch of behaviour. You were certain that the part that triggered your sensitive side was the fact that you yourself developed a crush on him. You just saw the most beautiful qualities he possessed.

You gained a speck of hope when you caught him looking at you that day, but the hope vanished not long after. You sauntered through the small crowd of your classmates and ran up behind Iwaizumi to catch up with him and walk beside him. Usually he waited for you by your desk because you took longer to collect all your books and copies.

“Yo, Iwa!”

The colour faded from your face, as well as your contagious smile when he grimaced with disgust or displeasure. It just signified he didn’t want you around. He didn’t even say anything, just decided to walk on faster, leaving you behind. The look on his face - it was as if you just annoyed him. Surprisingly, you accepted it - you accepted it with tears almost overflowing your glistening eyes. It is painful, when you care and desperately want someone in your life but they push you away... so harshly. You never needed him, you just wanted him in your life. Not many people have that opportunity where you yourself want them to be part of your life. You wanted to offer him a piece of your heart, your soul. But he crushed it. You were very aware that through time - two weeks, two months, however long, you would build yourself back up on your own without anyone’s help. But in the meantime, it would hurt.

So it happened, none of you spoke to each other. Both of you were in pain and silently suffering. The only difference was - you kept your head up, confidently walking through the hall when you passed each other - but he, in contrast to you, kept his head down and couldn’t even look you in the eye. Which one is guilty?

“Iwa-chan, stop looking so scary it’s distracting me.” Oikawa commented, targeting his ace with a volleyball. The setter cocked an eyebrow when he received no attention, only to realise it was his dear friend who was distracted.

Oikawa glanced at Iwaizumi, immediately knowing a thing or two. “Why the long face, huh? Still ignoring L/N-chan? She’s too cute to be ignored, ya know.” he sighed. “So harsh. Hm, did I not see her cry the other day?”

The setter plucked his chin with his fingers, genuinely thinking if it was you he saw crying or not, but he also did intend to stimulate a reaction from the wing spiker.

Iwaizumi darted his startled eyes towards Tooru. “W-Wait why was she crying?”

“Isn’t it obvious? She has feelings for you and you completely broke her heart. I would cry too, at least five times a day.” Oikawa mostly teased, but he did think you were cool so he didn’t want you to be upset. Obviously he understood that the ace had developed a deep connection with you and was stupid enough to deny it. His actions hurt you and the setter is no idiot, he just knew.

“I have to talk to her.” Iwaizumi’s tone was solemn and the captain only smiled at him.

“Ah, don’t keep her waiting. You have some explaining to do.”

The ace was still in his practice uniform as he ran out the door.

“How do you know she has feelings for him?” Hanamaki questioned, curious about the whole situation.

“I don’t! But I have a good feeling about this.”

Iwaizumi was flooding with anxiety to even face you, but he wanted to make it right with you. He was sick of this, he felt so stupid for moving through with it. His heart hammered in his chest, he feared he already lost you and there was no saving anything. He texted you, asking you to meet him just outside of the school gates. The man was shivering from the anxiety consuming him from the inside, he was more than nervous. Maybe he even preferred that you didn’t text him back but - oh, never mind that, you texted back, agreeing to see him and talk. He waited impatiently, walking around aimlessly and kicking gravel to waste time.

It was until you appeared in front of him and you caught his attention. You’d always smile when you saw him, but right there in front of him, your facial expression was dropped completely. You just shrugged, waiting for him to speak. There was a fleeting moment of uncomfortable silence and the slight breeze jostled your hair.

“I’m sorry.” he blurted out, but slowly. There was an immense amount of regret in his voice and you could tell how much it affected him - but what about you?

“I was stupid. I’m really sorry. You didn’t deserve that. I-I just...” he paused momentarily, building up his courage on his path. “I thought it’d be better this way.”

You scoffed, shaking your head and letting out a pitiful laugh. “For who exactly? Yourself?”

“I like you.”

You tipped your head up, studying his face with skepticism. “You like me so you decided to ignore me and switch up on me?”

He massaged his face for a second. “You have every right to be mad at me.”

“I know. Continue.”

“But I just didn’t know how to. I knew you wouldn’t want to be with me. I just panicked. I know it’s a shitty excuse but I just never felt this way before.”

You pursed your lips. “I thought I made it obvious that I do like you? I wasn’t even hiding it? Like?”

He pushed his hands into his pockets, straightening his posture. “Really?”

“Yes, you dumbass. God. Honestly. I wish I was more angry about this. You treated me like shit, you don’t deserve my forgiveness. But I also know you.”

He wanted to smile but he held it in. “I am a dumbass and I am sorry and I swear I’ll make it up to you. I’ll never do this again, I promise. Please give me another chance. I’ll be better.”

“Some of my friends are about to be real mad at me.” you damned your ability to forgive. But your instinct was feeling positive about this. You cared about Iwaizumi and you looked at his side too. But your friends were going to hang your ass on the wall for this. Their minds could still be changed, it’s all up to him. “But I’ll give you a chance,”

#iwaizumi hajime #iwaizumi x reader #haikyuu

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aseriesofunfortunatejan · 4 years

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This blog has been a mostly-Danganronpa blog for a few years now so I surely mentioned this anecdote once or twice already, but here it is, again maybe, just in case I haven't.

I'm not sure how obvious my favourite characters are to my followers and the majority of my mutuals, but I'd say some I've made pretty clear over the years. There's one character I think I don't mention all that much though, and that would be Byakuya Togami - and Togami is the only DR character for whom I almost died.

(I don't know if I would willingly give up my life for the sake of Togami but the more I think about it, the more the answer sounds like "maybe". Anyway,)

When I first watched DRtA and then a Let's Play of Trigger Happy Havoc, Togami was one of my favourite characters by far. There was nothing special about it - which I have to mention since my Ultimate favourite DR character was also the character I hated the most at first - I just really liked his characterization and quickly started to love the bastard. I was lucky enough to enjoy all of DR, until V3, completely free of spoilers, so needless to say, when SDR2 introduced a now obese Togami, I was stoked to see him again and have him be part of this new cast. I was so interested in what caused his weight gain and how much time could have passed, and especially enjoyed comparing his attitude towards SDR2's Killing Game to that of THH's.

Kodaka must have known what he was doing when he killed him off in Chapter 1. And at that point, I genuinely thought that Togami, this atrocious prick from THH I loved so much, had just died in Chapter 1 of a new 6-chapters-long game even though he was obviously trying so hard to keep such a tragedy to happen again. Togami being the one to act this way meant a lot. So it hit me real hard.

So hard, in fact, that I quickly found myself unable to breathe. I was unaware that I suffered from anxiety back then and during the surrounding few years only had very few and far between anxiety attacks, but looking back, the experience I had in this exact moment was probably one, or at least very similar to one. I found myself in a pure state of shock and unable to control my breathing - not understanding what was happening to me. This would have eventually calmed down, however, it was highly worsened by the fact that back then I suffered from a MSD which caused my ribs to (roughly speaking) close down on my lungs and inhibit my breathing capacity. Again, not something all that dramatic, but added to what seems to have been an anxiety attack - I was in fact finding myself unable to breathe and started to panic, which of course only made it worse.

Now keep in mind - this was all because Byakuya Togami had died. I hadn't even been able to consider he, I mean, we're talking about Togami here, could die, and this sudden event caused me this immense physical reaction.

So this is me almost d y i n g. Truth be told, a MSD isn't all that dramatic and I would most likely have fainted, which would have allowed me to breathe slower again. But saying "I fainted because of Togami" makes me sound like a completely different type of fan, and still, who knows, I was on top of an inverted mezzanine, I could have fallen to my death somehow--

In any case, I didn't faint either. I immediately shared my reaction with my best friend at the time and though I have absolutely no memory what I actually told her, I know that I let her know I was having a big physical reaction, couldn't breathe and was starting to panic. For her to react this way must mean I was being very worrying, but she actually ~saved my life~ in a simple manner - by spoiling me the Imposter's actual identity.

I do love the Imposter so their death in SDR2 is still sad, and this was my first DR spoiler ever, but boy, I wasn't mad. Just knowing that this wasn't actually Togami, even though I had no idea if he would ever show up in person again at that point, suddenly made me feel a lot better. This might seem like a random story about some hardcore stan overreacting to a fictional death, but I think I simply can't convey the genuine shock and panic I experienced, followed by sudden and complete relief.

All of this goes to say, Togami undoubtedly means a lot to me (for some reason). The same can be said about Danganronpa in general. I can't say this was a positive experience but I'm impressed by the strong emotions this series was able to make me experience - and I have never felt so involved in any other game than I did in SDR2.

In the end, Togami survived the entire Kibougamine arc, and that makes me happy. Interestingly, I was persuaded while watching DR3 that Togami would be the one to die, with all this "someone is going to die because of Naegi" stuff. With the building exploding during the rescue, I even thought he did. Part of me couldn't accept it, but I was waiting for the reveal, for Hagakure to find his body in the ruins-- aaaaa. I knew it would have been so good, in a dramatic way. But I also knew that if that happened, I might have to take a break off Danganronpa. It would have been that big of a deal to me.

Evidently it didn't happen, and I think it's funny that Togami is the only character I've documented feeling this way about. Kirigiri was actually the one to die, and to be completely honest, I'm pretty sure I like her a lot more than I like him, but somehow I don't remember her death being “that” big of a deal. I mean, it still was - I was so shocked and confused, but I don't remember my entire body making me feel like I was going to die, effective immediately. Part of it might have been that I was already persuaded there had to be a catch, because something was missing. But still, I was able to continue watching, maybe even a little relieved, while I knew I wouldn't have been able to accept Togami's death at all.

And I genuinely don't know why that is.

Anyway, tl;dr: you might not have known that, but Togami is one of my favourite Danganronpa characters.

#danganronpa #byakuya togami #togami byakuya #sdr2 #long post #I didn't expect to write something so long djdkks sorry I'm being dramatic #Hope you enjoy the read

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ice-cream-nekogirl · 5 years

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1-800-273-8255 (Class 1-A X Reader)

Major Trigger Warnings: This story contains attempted suicide, mention of suicide and mention of intrusive thoughts, including some inspired by my own, if any of this triggers you, I strongly apologize.

I wrote this a week ago... and at first I couldn’t bring myself to post it because... well I wasn’t sure if I should but... National Suicide Prevention Month is coming up in September so and then school is starting and... sometimes that can be enough to stress anyone out and trigger feelings of anxiety and even depression so... I’m finally posting it for those reasons...

There is a LOT of triggers in this story, I can’t stress that enough it was hard to just write this but... I felt like I had to...

Inspired by feelings I’ve experienced before and sometimes still experience when my intrusive thoughts come back to haunt me.. I also wanted to dedicate this to anyone else who might have felt suicidal, or even just had intrusive thoughts like me, or anyone else who has thought about suicide. You are not alone and you ARE loved.

Again, there’s a lot of triggers in this story so... reader discretion is advised...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cycUHgg0zzU

I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine Who can relate? I've been on the low I been taking my time I feel like I'm out of my mind It feel like my life ain't mine...

To be a hero, means being someone who can save people with a smile on their face.

But what if the smile isn’t real? What if it’s forced to try and make people believe that you’re okay and that you can do anything for them?

That was your life. You wanted so desperately to be a hero and to save people with a smile on your face. But none of your smiles were real, and they haven’t been in a very long time. You couldn’t even remember the last time you actually gave a true, authentic smile.

Yet here you were, in UA, the famed school for young heroes in training; the same school you sacrificed sleep, food and time to study for and prepare for just to get in. It’s a pressure you’ve been putting on yourself since the beginning, constantly trying your best to fulfill your expectations, for you, for your family, for other things you wanted to do good in.

And it was stressing you out, and every single time you tried something, you felt inadequate, especially to your classmates. Their smiles were real and you kind of hated them for it, and then you went back to hating yourself for thinking like that.

You loved your friends. You especially loved your best friends Izuku, and Ochako, Iida, Tsuyu, Todoroki, Kirishima… all of them, and your classmates each had a special place in your heart. Maybe not Mineta that much, but it’s not like you wished ill on the guy, he just seriously needed to take some hardcore classes on how to respect women.

Still, your classmates were amazing, and your new classmate Shinsou, you didn’t even know him until he got transferred into the class and you were so proud of him. He was doing something you knew you would never do, take a step closer to becoming a fantastic hero.

You couldn’t ever be a good hero. You couldn’t ever be a good person…

Everyone knew you for your smile though, but no one knew that your smiles weren’t real. None of them, not even your best friends. Which relieved you, you didn’t want to tell anyone about your problems at all, not even your teacher.

“(L/N).”

He called you right before classes were dismissed as your other classmates were already going out. Despite the anxiety swelling in your chest and threatening to pop, you turned to face him with your trademark smile, “Yes sir?”

You could see what looked like a hint of concern in his dark eyes, focused entirely on you as if trying to see even the smallest hint of trouble from you. This wasn’t the first time you’ve had someone try and look into your soul, but you had become painfully good at burying your emotions down so that way no one could see anything.

I don't wanna be alive I don't wanna be alive I just wanna die today I just wanna die...

“Have you been all right? Your grades are still decent, but it seems like they’ve been slowly slipping. Your performances in sparring have also been somewhat lacking. Is there… perhaps something wrong?” Aizawa wasn’t criticizing you or judging you, he was just making observations. You were thankful for his lack of judgment though since you haven’t been doing the best lately with all the stress starting to crush you from the inside out.

“Yeah! I just get a little nervous sometimes before a test… I’m… well sir I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but I’m a perfectionist, I just… I always want to be perfect and as a result I’m always afraid of screwing it up. So… sometimes I don’t always take the risks… and I kinda doubt myself in the heat of the moment…” As Aizawa intently stared at you and listened to your explanation, you smiled and blinked back whatever moisture wanted to gather in your eyes. Keeping your voice as level as possible and ignored the misery clawing and tightening around your throat as you swallowed it down.

It hurt… it hurt so much…

“I see.” You had a feeling Aizawa didn’t entirely believe you, but he wasn’t going to pry because for the most part, he believed most of your words since you had shared some of the honest truths with him, especially about your own perfectionism. But he had no idea what was truly going on with you, and you couldn’t be more thankful for that…

“If you need any help, I can offer you some tutoring. It’s my job to help you after all, whether it’s related to class or anything else you might feel comfortable sharing.” He said to you in a rare soft tone you didn’t hear him use often.

Never in your life have you felt so guilty for lying to your teacher, “Thank you sir. I might have to take up that offer on tutoring… I just need a little bit of help that’s all, I think from then on out I can get better and be less of a worry-wart.” You admitted sheepishly with a more bashful smile, which was enough to ease Aizawa just a little bit. “Very well then. Have a good night (L/N).”

He brought most of it, and even though he kept an eye on you as you bowed and left the classroom; he couldn’t see everything you were hiding…

“(Y/N)!”

Izuku had called you when he saw you walking towards Heights Alliance, he was standing at the front with Ochaco, Iida, Tsuyu and Todoroki, “Welcome back!” The brunette was waving to you as you looked over at them, but you were silent for a moment.

At least until you remembered to keep on smiling as you gave them a wave and made your way over to them, “It’s not like I went anywhere sillies…” You said playfully to your little group of friends, “We know! We’re just happy to see you.” The girl said to you kindly, smiling at you and you felt like you were just ready to cry right then and there.

I don't wanna be alive I don't wanna be alive I just wanna die And let me tell you why...

But you were an expert at holding it all back, so you kept your smile on. “Heh, you’re so easily amused…”

“What did Mr. Aizawa want to talk to you about (Y/N)? Is… everything all right?” Izuku sounded concerned though because he saw and heard your teacher call for you before you could leave with everyone else. Resisting the urge to gasp or even widen your eyes, you chuckled a bit.

“Ah, he was just offering some tutoring for me. You know I’m not the best test-taker and I’m just… a BIT nervous…” You let out a small laugh as you shrugged that off, but you didn’t and couldn’t tell that it just worried your dear friend.

“I can also offer you some of my own help if you feel you need it (L/N).” Iida was kind enough to offer his support to you and you perked up a bit. You always knew Iida was a noble kinda guy, so noble it was annoying sometimes but you appreciated it. And you appreciated it SO much right now…

“Really? Wow… thanks Iida… yeah, I’ll let you know I promise cuz… I’ll take what I can get… Haha…” As you gave another one of your fake laughs, you didn’t see a pensive look from Todoroki neither as he looked right at you.

Still, neither of them wanted to be rude and dig into your private life so they took what you were giving them, “Don’t worry, you’re a hard worker (Y/N), you’ve only been getting stronger and you’ve already got your hero license.” Izuku didn’t shy away from praising you, and it nearly sent you over the edge when he gave you that smile…

“I believe in you.”

It took every ounce of your remaining willpower to hold it all together as your fake smile grew despite the swirl of emotions thrashing inside your chest, “Oh Izuku… thanks… that’s so sweet…” Unable to help yourself, you threw your arms around him and pulled him into the tightest hug, earning a rather high-pitched squeak from your friend as he blushed a bright shade of red.

That was the first time in a long time you actually giggled a true giggle as you saw how flustered he was, “Hee~. You earned it you cutie…” Smiling you couldn’t help but snicker again when Izuku’s face somehow turned even redder as he looked away shyly, “A-Ahh y-y-you’re… y-you’re welcome…”

Hiding his face rather bashfully, you gave him your first true smile before you opened the doors for them to go inside, and you didn’t see the somewhat uncomfortable look on Ochaco’s face after you hugged him like that. But you did see Todoroki glancing at you with those intense grey and cyan eyes. For a moment you thought he caught on, but you just waved and smiled at him.

He wanted to talk to you, but at the same time he wasn’t sure if he would even be good at talking to you about personal things since he wasn’t like Izuku after all. And he didn’t want to bother you so he let you be. He knew what it was like to want to keep your personal things to yourself, so he wouldn’t bother you.

And as soon you ran to your dorm-room, falling to your knees as the tears quickly streamed down your face as you threw your hands to your mouth and quelled your sobs as you quietly cried to yourself again. Every day you’ve returned to your room crying, there was little you could do to stop this endless disappointment you felt in yourself and you couldn’t stand it.

You couldn’t handle the way you felt like you were letting everyone down. It felt like you were going crazy, and right now, you just wanted to die.

Eventually, you were able to prop yourself back up from your floor, stumbling as you made your way over to your desk. Writing something that wasn’t your homework…

THE NEXT DAY…

It was another day in class, everything was normal, and everyone was smiling as always and cracking some jokes despite the upcoming tests that you were not prepared for. “Hey (Y/N)! We’re thinking about getting together for another study session with Yaoyorozu this weekend, wanna join us?” Kirishima sweetly asked you with that smile.

God you wished you could smile like that…

Instead you selfishly gave him your fake one, “Sure! I’d love that, I could definitely use a lot of studying.” You giggled a little bit as your friend beamed at you, “Great! We’ll get it all done together! Help each other out. Hey I’ll even ask Bakugou to help you out if you want.”

“Word? Oh that’d be awesome…” You were amazed that Kirishima was actually going to try and get Bakugou to help you out. Bakugou! You’ve known the guy since childhood with Izuku, and he wasn’t the nicest guy in the world at all but… he was brilliant so you’d take his help if he actually gave some of it.

“Bakugou~. Hope you don’t mind if Kiri and I ask for some help…” You kinda timidly asked your irritable classmate as he scowled at you, “FINE! But you’d better not waste my time!”

Bakugou was as crass as always, and it both annoyed and amused you as you just gave him one of your smiles, “Thanks dude! Relax I won’t… I know better than that.” You covered your mouth to quell fake giggles, and pretended to be oblivious to the look Bakugou was giving you.

At least until Kirishima and Kaminari started asking him questions and teasing him about having a ‘soft spot’ for you and that made the flustered, explosive teen quite literally explode at them in response.

I want you to be alive I want you to be alive You don't gotta die today You don’t gotta die...

There was so much life in Bakugou and Kirishima’s eyes. And in Mina’s, Kaminari’s and Sero’s, and yet no one could see the listlessness in yours.

You didn’t feel like a human being at all.

You wouldn’t let them know though; you would keep your fake face on ss you shared a few insincere laughs with your friends they all got up to get ready to leave as Aizawa dismissed the classes. But you had to wait for him to leave too.

Because you were also getting ready to leave.

“Hey Iida! Leave all the cleaning to me!” You waved to the class representative when he came to the room with the cleaning supplies, “Really?”

“Yeah totally! I haven’t done it in a while.” You said smiling, but Iida seemed to contemplate on leaving you to do such a task all by yourself. So he shook his head, “Please (L/N) allow me to help you, it’s a large class and you shouldn’t have to do this all by yourself.”

Damn his chivalry…

I want you to be alive I want you to be alive You don't gotta die Now lemme tell you why

“I’ve cleaned rooms before though, it’s not that bad, besides like I said I haven’t done it in a while so… please let me help out with this. And… I didn’t want to tell you this but I overhead Mineta saying that he was going to try and hide under the stairs to take photos up the girl’s skirts… I feel bad for narc-ing but…I thought you deserved to know.” You had to lie, you hated that you were doing it but you had to…

Iida’s eyes went wide as the thought of his depraved classmate doing such a vile thing, “That Mineta! Thanks for telling me (L/N)! I will stop him as soon as I see him! And thank you for offering to clean the classroom I will have to owe you something in return for this! I will see you in the dorms!” He exclaimed to you gratefully before he rather quickly dashed out to go and reprimand his classmate for something he surprisingly wasn’t going to do, you hoped…

With that your friend was gone. Leaving you alone, and you couldn’t be happier as you looked around the empty classroom. It felt strange without all the faces and bright personalities that colored the room beautifully. The silence numbing your being as you made sure that Mr. Aizawa wasn’t here and that no one else could see or hear anything.

Carefully, you set the cleaning rags on the desk as you opened the window to see the skies one more time. Faint, bell-like chirps tingled in your ears when you heard birds flapping by and then flying outwards to the sky.

How you wished you could be one of those birds, free to fly in whatever direction they wanted and as high as they wished…

Bottom lip quivering you inhaled and exhaled deeply as you removed your UA blazer and tie; symbols of the hero school you knew you didn’t belong in. And you pulled out your hero costume from your bag and placed over your desk. (H/N) was going to be a fantastic hero, but in the end, (H/N) was just another goal you couldn’t complete because you couldn’t do any of the hero work right.

Failure.

That’s all (H/N) was.

You don’t deserve to be here; you don’t deserve to be anywhere…

Nothing would change if you just disappeared. No one might even realize if you disappeared, and it’s the best for everyone, and for yourself.

Everything fell silent in the classroom for a moment as you walked away from the window, staring outside one last time before your legs started to move with your eyes glued to the skies. You took a step onto the ledge before allowing yourself to plummet downwards as gravity pushed you…

Down…

Down...

Glimpses of brightly lit memories flashed before your eyes as you thought briefly of your loved ones one last time as you fell.

Izuku.

Katsuki.

Tsuyu.

Ochaco.

Tenya.

Shoto.

Eijirou.

All of them…

CRASH!

As your body impacted with the hard ground, everything suddenly went blurry as you didn’t see that you landed on your back. An intense, unforgiving wave of agony crashed over your form as you felt something warm leaving in several orifices under your body. Your arm… your legs… you couldn’t move them…

There was nothing you could hear other than the sound of a high-pitched ringing that screamed in your ears and blocked out the piercing, bloodcurdling shrieks coming from your friends and other students. You couldn’t hear them, and you couldn’t see the horrified and tearful looks on their faces. You couldn’t see Izuku, Ochaco, Iida and Todoroki trembling as they registered their dear classmate having fallen.

You couldn’t see the looks of shock and horror on Bakugou, Kirishima, Kaminari, Mina or Sero…

You couldn’t see anyone…

You couldn’t see Mr. Aizawa rushing forth desperately as he made his way over to your trembling body as he checked frantically for a pulse as you choked and felt the carmine spilling out the corners of your mouth. It was cold, why was it so cold…?

“SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

ONE DAY LATER…

Guys… I’m so sorry.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with personal issues, with myself, with the person I am and I’m not at all happy with the direction I’m going in. I feel like I’m constantly letting everyone down and disappointing everyone I know and love.

Every morning I wake up and feel like a failure because I wake up from nightmares about me just failing and failing over and over again. I can’t escape the dark place I’m in, and I don’t feel like I deserve to be here with all of you guys.

I haven’t felt like a human being in a long time, and I don’t want to be alive anymore, I just want to die. I know I shouldn’t want that, but I can’t escape this thing that’s constantly plaguing my mind no matter how hard I try.

You guys are the only light I have ever known, which is why I can’t be here anymore, it feels like the darkness has me and I’ve tried so hard to get away from it, but I feel like I can’t fight it. I can’t be the hero I want to be, I try so hard, but nothing I do is good enough. The only good thing in my life right now are you guys, I know you’re all going to be the most fantastic heroes of our generation, so please, keep being Plus Ultra.

I love you all. All of you.

P.S: Please tell Mr. Aizawa that I love him too. And Mr. Yamada, and All-Might too.

(L/N) (Y/N).

Izuku was in tears when he found your suicide note on your bed in your room, an immense surge of so many emotions of shock, grief and remorse crashing over him and his friends as they all heard their classmate read their friends’ note. Each of them all looking distraught and confused as many of them teared up and started sobbing with every word Izuku choked out when he read it.

And when he read your name, he broke down in heavy sobs as his tears dripped onto the paper that had remnants of your own tears prior to the day before you wrote it. After your suicide attempt you had been admitted into the hospital, but you were comatose and suffered some bad injuries. Recovery Girl did the best she could and healed the broken bones, but she couldn’t only heal so much, the internal bleeding was what worried everyone because currently you were in the very fragile and thin line between life and death.

No one in 1-A was in a good place.Their classmate tried to commit suicide and very nearly succeeded and possibly succeeded and it terrified them and made them all break down together...

Izuku in particular was nearly inconsolable as he wept in the common room with everyone else. The only form of comfort all he had was the fact that his closest friends were crying along with him as they each sat with him on the couch. Aoyama holding onto him with his head in his shoulder and Iida on his opposite side with his arm around the two smaller boys.

“I-I can’t believe it…” Ochaco managed to speak as she and Tsuyu hugged each other to comfort each other, “S-She... she seemed like she was fine yesterday…” Tsuyu didn’t want to believe it, but the more she thought about it, the more tears came to her eyes as Ochaco held her hand tightly. The two girls thought you had acted kind of odd, but your smiles were so bright that they both guessed that it blinded them from the pain hidden underneath the light you made sure to constantly radiate.

“I knew… something was wrong…” Todoroki hid his face with his hands as he wiped his tears away, “I thought she was acting strange… but I didn’t ask her…” Guilt etched over his tear-stained face as he buried his face back into his hands, unable to help the ice creeping onto his right side. He had never felt this feeling before, not since his mother was taken away…

But the thought of actually losing a friend, even the very possibility, it was almost too much for him to bear, and he did nothing to stop it…

“It’s my fault… she was in pain…” He sniffled as he shook his head in disappointment, and anger at himself as he punched the side of the couch in frustration. He should have helped you; he knew what it was like to bottle up emotions and yet he didn’t do anything to help you…

“I-It isn’t y-your fault… T-Todoroki… I… I also knew that… s-she was acting different b-but I… I couldn’t… I didn’t even… t-think of asking her… I-I had no idea s-she was even in… s-so much pain…” Izuku couldn’t even finish his sentence as he sobbed a little bit louder as the guilt was eating away at him. He’s been your friend since childhood, how in the world did he not see how much pain you were in?

But before he could beat himself up any further, he felt Iida’s arm tightening around him to try and comfort the boy despite his own mourning. “W-We couldn’t have known… s-she always seemed so… happy… but I… I didn’t even… I-I… I let her smiles convince me that… e-everything was okay… I-I… I failed her… s-she was… in pain and I… m-myself didn’t even…” Iida’s voice cracked as he choked on a sob. He felt just as guilty as his friends did, because it was his job to make sure all of his classmates and friends were all doing good and following the rules. But up until now, he didn’t even think about asking if you or anyone else were feeling okay. And now he realizes that he should have been doing that, especially when had been acting kind of odd. You just seemed so happy he thought you were okay…

“All the time I’ve known her…” Shinsou kept his head turned away as he sat beside himself, not wanting to show his tears as he inhaled and exhaled deeply, “She was always smiling… she even smiled at me… she smiled so much I… thought something didn’t seem right… but I… I pushed her away…” He didn’t know you as well as he wished he did, but you were kind to him at the Sports Festival, even before he got transferred into this course. But he just had to act like the cold, tough guy and push you away even when you were still kind to him…

Never in his life has he ever wished he could go back in time to reverse that…

“O-Oui but… it’s… s-sometimes the ones who smile most… a-are the ones suffering I… I can understand that… I… I should have… talked to her more…” Aoyama knew what it was like to hide behind a smile, and he had a feeling that you were also hiding your true emotions with a smile but he couldn’t find it in him to actually have a heart-to-heart with you. And he had never felt so bad about anything else in his life…

You were his friend; you were their friend. Not just them, you were Class 1-A’s friend.

As Izuku and his friends grieved and cried for you, the rest of your classmates were all doing the same and crying together, fearing for you and praying that you were still with them. Nobody could stop thinking about how they saw your body, and the suicide note that Izuku had shown them all. All of them were missing you terribly, and were scared as hell and full of remorse because neither of them knew just how much you were going through all by yourself…

“(Y-Y/N)… please be okay… Oh G-God… I-I can’t believe she… I-I can’t believe I d-d-didn’t…” Kirishima couldn’t hold back his sobs as he sat on the floor, hands covering his eyes as he tried to stop the tears, but he just couldn’t. He just talked to you yesterday and the entire time he didn’t even notice how you used your smiles to shield your real feelings. He felt so stupid and like the most worthless friend ever but he refused to pity himself, all he would think about was you and he just hoped that you were still with them so they could all help you recover physically and emotionally.

Sitting beside him were Kaminari and Sero, who were both crying together as Sero had buried his face in Kaminari’s neck, the two boys hugging each other. “I-I didn’t even know she was going through anything…” Kaminari had hit on you a few times, and you always, always smiled at him even when he thought he looked so dumb in front of you. And god he loved those smiles because it made him feel like less of an idiot.

But now that he knew that they were fake, he felt even more like an idiot and absolutely horrible because he felt like he was too dumb to see that you were hiding your pain. “N-None of us did… like Iida said... w-we couldn’t have... known...” Sero gently reminded him, even though he felt so bad because he was just as unaware of your pain as well.

“I-I… I really hope she makes it… I-I want to just… tell her how much I love her…” Mina hugged Yaoyorozu and Jirou tightly as the three girls cried together. “M-Me too… I want to… I want to hug her and… (Y/N) was… my friend… I wish I just… c-could have… b-been there for her more… a-and maybe she… w-wouldn’t have…” Yaoyorozu couldn’t hold back her tears as Jirou rubbed her back gently.

“I-It’s… it’s okay… we… really couldn’t have known but… I… wish I could have done something too…” She expressed her own regret as she felt Hagakure hug the girls and cry, for once the cheerful girl had nothing to say. Every time she tried she would just cry, just like everyone else.

Not even the calm, collected ones such as Ojiro, Satou, Kouda, Tokoyami or Shouji could hold back their tears as they had quietly cried together, with Shouji even carrying Mineta who was just as sad as the others and crying for you. They were almost hiding from the others but not hiding their grief. However, the only person that was hiding their grief was none other than their belligerent classmate Bakugou.

He stood all alone in his room, sitting on his bed with his hands curling in his disheveled hair, grunting in anger as he willed himself to not cry but his body refused as tears rapidly streamed down his tightly shut eyes.

“Dammit… (Y/N)…” He wanted to be angry, he was angry, but he was also miserable, depressed and horrified. He’d never tell it to anyone, but he did care about you. Even if you were still close to stupid Deku, he grew up with you too, it was hard to not have some sentiment especially since you always found someway to tag along with them or have at least one class with him.

All the years Bakugou had known you he always thought you were annoying because you were smiling all the time. He wasn’t blind or stupid, he knew whenever you acted kind of weird, and ever since the two of you got into UA along with Deku he noticed your smiles seemed off. They were as radiant as ever and you always seemed to beam with this stupid energy that he couldn’t stand half the time, but he knew that they couldn’t possibly be real.

And now he knew that they definitely weren’t real. Now that Deku read your letter, he almost felt horrible for not doing shit to prevent that from happening. He might have found you annoying but you were his good friend once upon a time…

Maybe he shouldn’t have pushed you away the same way he did to Deku. He always did like you better than him…

Bakugou might have been alone, but he was grieving just like the rest of his classmates for you. And they just prayed that you would survive. You were still in the hospital and all they could do was hope and they each told themselves that if you came out of this alive that they would do everything they could to let you know that they love you.

ONE WEEK LATER…

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

“(Y/N)!!”

“OH MY GOD!!”

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

“IS SHE BREATHING?!

“WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!”

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

“OH GOD! OH MY GOD SOMEONE HELP HER!!”

“NO (Y/N)!! OH GOD NO!!”

“SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!”

The screams murmured in your ears even as you slowly regained some vision, but not all of it. Everything felt fuzzy, like you were floating on air and for a moment you felt like you were finally able to fly. But why couldn’t you move or glide away? What was going on…?

Was this a mistake?

It had to have been a mistake…

You just wanted a way out…

As your (E/C) eyes slowly opened, you blinked to see an unfamiliar room and then the sounds of beeping became more apparent to you. But you winced as soon as you tried to move as you saw casts on your arm and legs, it hurt just to even move. It hurt so fucking much…

This was a hospital room…

You remember now…

You jumped out the window of your classmate, thinking that the story fall would kill you, almost hoping it would kill you. But it didn’t…

Because your teacher and classmates were there in time to make sure it didn’t…

Your classmates…

Your teacher…

The thought made a fresh wave of tears glisten your eyes as they streamed down your face. A strangled gasp coming from your throat as you thought shamefully of what they might think now, there’s no way you could see them again now after this. Maybe they won’t even know you’re gone… you almost prayed they wouldn’t…

However, after a few moments of being alone in this white room, you had no idea how long it truly had been until you saw the doctor gently calling your name. “Hello… are you there with me…?”

You could see them, and you could hear them too as you gave a weak nod of acknowledgement, “It’s okay sweetie…” It was a woman, and she was giving you such sad eyes, sympathetic as if she were trying to keep her tears at bay, and you could hear her saying that your parents had been called and so were your classmates and teachers.

Oh God…

Not your parents, not your classmates…

Part of you was relieved, but also scared as hell…

You knew they were coming, all of them. And you couldn’t bear to face them, you just couldn’t. So you closed your eyes, trying to pretend that you were somewhere else, that none of this happened and that you weren’t even here. Yet, the sounds of rushing feet were enough to break any delusion you attempted to create as your body violently tremored the second the door open…

There they all were, all of your classmates all rushing in as the doctor understood that they all desperately wanted to see their classmate. Several eyes met your wide (E/C) eyes which made you increasingly anxious as your heart pounded in your chest and you broke out in a cold sweat as you inhaled sharply and exhaled shakily.

You could see Izuku, Bakugou, Todoroki, Iida, Ochaco, Tsuyu and Kirishima, and Shinsou and Yaoyorozu, Jirou, Ashido, Sero, Aoyama, Tokoyami, Kaminari, Shoji, Satou, Ojiro, Koda, Hagakure (sort of because she’s invisible) and even Mineta…

All of them.

I finally wanna be alive I finally wanna be alive I don't wanna die today I don't wanna die

Tears immediately springing to their eyes when they saw that your eyes were still open, and that you were still alive. And Izuku, Ochaco, Iida and Tsuyu were the first ones to rush over to you to gently hug you as they all burst into tears.

“(Y/N)!!” They each shouted as they went over to your bed, relieved as Ochaco held your good hand and Izuku was the first to gently hug you. You couldn’t hold back anymore as you let the tears fall as you buried your face into your dear friend’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry…”

You said to every one of them, and you could only hear everyone suddenly burst into tears as they all began to talk and say that no one was upset with you, that nothing was your fault and that it was all okay, that everything would be okay because they were here for you now.

“(Y-Y/N) I’m sorry… I’m sorry I c-couldn’t…” Izuku however, wanted to apologize as he tearfully held onto you, having felt horrible that he couldn’t tell that you were in this much pain.

“Izuku… no… I… don’t be…” You shook your head, pressing your forehead against his to comfort him as his cries quieted a little bit. Slowly, you peered up to see Iida and Todoroki looking right at you. Iida wiping his eyes as he tried to smile in relief but he was just as guilty as Izuku was. “I am sorry (Y/N)! As class representative and as your friend I should have paid more attention to the well-being of all my classmates!”

You wanted to chuckle, but it came out rueful, “You guys… can’t apologize for this… I mean… it’s not easy to open up about… I didn’t want you guys to know that I was dealing with a lot of things… I didn’t think any of you could understand but… I am sorry… I’m sorry for… all of this…” Reassuring your classmates, stray tears slowly rolled down your face as you saw Todoroki wiping his own tears away, only for more to well in his eyes.

“It’s not your fault… we can’t help the things we feel…” He sympathized with you, knowing full well what it’s like to keep everything inside only for it to bubble until it spills over and suddenly lose control. You couldn’t help but smile at this, of course Todoroki understood that…

However, your smile instantly fell as soon as you saw Bakugou’s fierce glare, except there was more fear and anger swirling in those eyes with lingering fury that you could clearly see. “Katsuki…” You were terrified of his reaction the most, which is why you were shocked the second you closed your eyes and found his arms coming around you gently as Izuku pulled away.

“K-Katsuki… I…”

“Shut up… just… shut up…” His voice cracked a little bit as you could feel his tears dripping into your neck. “Look (Y/N)… I don’t know what it is you’re going through… but… I’ll help you through it… so don’t even think about arguing with me about it… there’s no way I’m leaving you alone in this...” Bakugou was as firm as ever, and yet he was also weirdly gentle as he looked at you with a rare, soft gaze that just made more of your tears fall as you gave a quiet, breathless chuckle.

“We all will.” Izuku heard his other childhood friend talking, and for once Bakugou agreed with him.

“We’ll all help you (Y/N)! That’s a promise! Y-You don’t have to feel alone in this…” Kirishima spoke up, going over closer so he could hug you, which you happily took in with a small smile.

“I know we can’t make it all go away… but we can at least be there for you, give you endless support…” You looked over at Yaoyorozu, who was tearing up as she talked. And you understood what she meant, no doubt that you were going to have to see a doctor and go to therapy even and be on suicide watch for a while.

You nodded though. It wasn’t away yet, but seeing all of your friends here surrounding you and giving you their love just to make you feel better, secure and loved was enough to make it feel like it went away for just a little bit.

“(L/N)…”

But then you heard Aizawa’s low voice, and that prompted everyone to perk up and gasp as they let their teacher in. You were amazed at how he looked somehow even more exhausted than normal, like he hadn’t slept in days as he wiped his eyes once he looked at you.

“Mr. Aizawa… I’m sorry…”

“Stop that. Stop saying you’re sorry.” He quickly reprimanded you, but his voice was tender even when he started telling you what the doctors had told him. You were definitely going to the psychiatric unit for a little bit and speak to some doctors about everything that happened, and they also suggested some group therapy from the suicide hotline and professionals. Which made you sigh as you nodded, knowing that you would have to do all of that for your own sake and better your own health, physical and mental.

I finally wanna be alive I finally wanna be alive I don't wanna die I don't wanna die

“Don’t worry (Y/N)… you won’t be alone in this anymore. We’ll be there with you all the way…” Izuku saw how pensive you seemed and he smiled at you, gently holding your good hand. Touched, you gave him a small but happy smile as your cheeks warmed a little bit.

“And that’s a promise. We’re here for you (Y/N).” Iida was quick to follow Izuku’s lead, although tearful he couldn’t have sounded more determined as you saw all of your emotional classmates giving you nods and soft little smiles as they all said your name and swore to help you and be there for you. It was almost overwhelming as your heart swelled up with all of these wild emotions and you bit down on your bottom lip in an attempt to hold back any more cries. But it was impossible to stop your flooding tears from spilling down your cheeks as you broke down in heartfelt sobs.

“T-Thank you… e-everyone… thank you… s-so much…”

For once, you were happy to be alive, happy to be among people that made you remember something.

You truly are important, and that you truly do matter.

I don't wanna cry anymore I wanna feel alive I don't even wanna die anymore Oh I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't even wanna die anymore...

If you have any suicidal thoughts, or have had suicidal thoughts or even just need someone to talk to about intrusive thoughts or just need to talk to someone about anything don’t hesitate to call 1-800-273-6255, the Suicide Hotline.

And remember that your life is important and that your life matters. YOU matter.

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myvelouri · 4 years

Text

I have to write this

I just can't believe another guy had you in the way that was meant for just me. You said we were exclusive. How could you conveniently forget. Scratch that, how could you even want to flirt with another guy, want another guy when I'm seeing you every night after we finally got together for real after you already betrayed me.

I was there, fighting to be with you because I felt I owed it to you since you fought for me SO hard and chased me SO hard even though I said I couldn't be with you in the beginning and tried not to be. You came at me so hard. You went from saying things like you want to pay for my college to then suddenly cheating on me. But yeah I waited every day, to talk to you, we were in a strong relationship and you overnight went behind my back to an ex and got feelings for him. Blindsided and dumped me for him. Weeks of torture and you talking to him and me talking to you. The worst things I heard, many traumatizing moments. But finally you knew you wanted me really badly. You were suffering without me as you knew you wanted me finally. You missed me that day I left you alone.

You told me you wanted to be official with me and said you'll be honest about everything and not go behind my back again. Since you went behind my back and video chatted an ex which I told you was not even okay as I broke up with you for it before, yet, you fought so hard to be with me and made compromises.

You wanted me tremendously. We started doing us again. Gifts for each other, nights where you surprised me with candles and you in lingerie. We cuddled, made love, joked, tried to get over what you just did to me. But you made it seem like you didn't really go back to your ex and you convinced me that you loved me. I was just extremely disappointed and now scared of you. Because how could someone who wanted me this bad just suddenly go behind my back at all and then break up with me. You said you felt guilty for having feelings for me and him so you left. But I remember a lot. You really wanted to go back to him. You said he was never gonna be an issue.

But he was. I knew it.

But forget that. My trust for you died a little. But not completely, not even close. I still had a lot of trust.

So we kept being together, you're the one who said we were exclusive, you got upset and had a shocked reaction when I asked if we were together or seeing other people or what "together" means. You said "we're EXCLUSIVE!" and the thought of me being with someone else obviously wasn't okay with you and I felt reassured. I felt we were still together. I mean, we were. In a relationship. Just slowed it down. We agreed to have a slower relationship... Like I wanted in the beginning. Hell, you forced me into a relationship hard and fast. To begin with. Which was also unfair. For you to do this.

But we were together! And then suddenly, a guy hits on you, creepily. You went to get your laptop fixed and you had a moment with him. A cute moment. You both laughed. I joked that you'd be hit on and you're cute so maybe you could use your looks to get your laptop fixed for a cheaper price. I was totally kidding. And you were saying you're not cute at all. I was being such a good boyfriend to you and said you're super cute, super amazing. But this guy... He sent you a text saying you were really cute. ... ... He got your number from the SYSTEM at the store. How fucking creepy is that. You sent me the screenshot.

I was like "that's creepy! But I told you you were cute!" And you responded in a weird way. So I asked "did you text him back?!" And you made it seem like how could I think you'd text him back. And I felt bad, I said to myself omg I should have trusted her, of course she wouldn't have texted him. Of course not. You lied to me. You lied.

I found out you were texting him when I saw you that day. His name was in the text you sent, in the screenshot. But you didn't have his number saved

But as we were goofing off in person, I saw your phone blow up. I saw the screen and you told me to check if it was your mom. Instead, I saw HIS name. I was like "you... Saved his number?" And you said "who? Oh that's not him. That's so and so" and you said that 3-4 times as I kept saying "um, no.. that's the guy... You... Saved his number?" And I was getting anxiety, triggered. And I actually trusted you so much that I was like, in okay maybe it's a different person with the same name... But I was like "that's the same name..." And you finally let up and said "yeah.. it's him..." And I said "why would you save his number?..." And I saw the text said something that was a response, saying something about his hobbies and asking her for her hobbies. Clearly they were having a huge conversation. I was freaking out. I said I'm done. I can't with her. We're finished... This is too much. Too much... Too many times now... Too much hurt.

And I said I wanted to see the texts. And you said no, are you sure, no. But you offered it I think. I said okay fine show me. And you didn't want to. You finally gave in. And you looked full of guilt. And you said "you're gonna hate me..." And I saw you pull out your phone, you said you only texted him 3 times. So I was expecting 3-6 texts max. But you scrolled up so far into the conversation thread, omg it went forever, I saw paragraphs from each of you, I saw emojis, I saw so much flirty shit it seemed, playfulness, I didn't even read, I said no, out it away, that's enough of an answer, THAT much amount of texting, wow, no. And I asked if you flirted and you said "a little..." And I said no. I can't.

I can't.

I can't believe you would do this

I couldn't

I wonder how far the flirting went.

Also she said that when she went in to get her laptop fixed, she went back to her car and put on lip gloss and makeup and went back to him to flirt with him. She played it off by saying she wanted a cheap price so she wanted to use her looks. This was my joke from earlier. Except she actually did it. DUDE she ACTUALLY went BACK into her car, put on lip gloss, MAKE UP, went BACK TO THIS GUY, and flirted with him

Holy shit

That's probably why he went full creep-mode and got her number from the system.

I just

And then they...

Why would I take her back?

My feelings for her have died and I'm so enraged that they died because I wasn't ready for them to go. They go by themselves, it's cause of her! My heart does what it does! But I'm noticing all the cute shit she does and says, her personality quirks, all her behaviors that would make my heart flutter, all the things that made me go "AWW" AND EVERYTHING THAT MADE ME ADORE HER NO LONGER HAVE ANY EFFECT ON ME!! HOW DARE YOU HURT ME SO BAD THAT MY FEELINGS DIE! You weren't supposed to be the one capable of this.

You're the one who promised loyalty so fucking hard. Cause I was leaving you for far less and you knew what not to do, knew what I was sensitive to. And you thought I was the sweetest guy ever, best guy you've ever had.

Yet you still hurt me badly.

You even said you wanted to flirt with another guy (s) before you got into a serious relationship with me forever. Wtf do you think I am? You think I'd want you after you gave yourself to another guy? After you hoe around? I said if you want to do that just go ahead and live how you'd like.. but I'm leaving. I'm not judging. You be you. It's okay. I swear. But definitely don't hurt me, you fucked me over.

I can't stand this

This pain

You fucking loved me so hardcore. You would come see me everyday on your lunch break from work. You said how I was such an upgrade from your ex. You said you didn't know how I'm so comfortable to be with. You said no one's ever made you this happy. You still say that shit. But I don't believe you. And now I have zero trust for you. None. It's all gone.

You cheated, you lied, you took me for granted. And you went behind my back twice. And you broke my heart once already, and now you broke it again

You feel guilty and anxiety everyday now. It's been 2 weeks.

I'm not over it.

You again were fighting hard to be with me. Spoiling me. But I don't trust it.

As well, you've leaned back some, and you seem to be okay with me not being with you suddenly

Your emotions are unstable, girl.

I still love you, honey

But

You killed me.

I don't know if I can stay.

#personal #relationships #heartbreak

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kinkybazsmolsnow · 4 years

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What fic is this?

I suppose I am right in assuming that nonnie is asking about the fic about which I posted a few days ago.

I don't see any problem in telling you.

It's Inevitable by Frayach.

I intended to read this fic because it caught my interest and because Frayach is ONE HELL OF A WRITER and I love their writing. But I couldn't. And I don't think I can. It's just not for me.

Now, be warned this fic is on ao3 but it does not have all the warnings tagged by author to prevent giving any spoilers. So if you decide to read it, it's on your own risk. This is said by the author too in the intro notes.

I knew this and I decided to check it out. Of course, I've read Frayach's fics before and knew what to expect. They write beautifully and have the exquisite talent of making their characters real. So yeah, I read upto about 100 pages (it's about 500 pages.. I know.. long.. also read ahead of it.. all in all I got the gist of it. But I've not read everything) but then I didn't want to read anymore (for my own reasons). But yeah! The fic is GREAT!! At least upto where I read.

As for the tags, I understand the author's intent behind not tagging the fic for fear of giving out spoilers (I've no problem with that. I mean people read paperbacks without knowing the tags so) but I feel like warning you about it. Coz it's a lot. So here goes .. SPOILERS AHEAD!! If you don't wanna know don't read the next paragraph!

It's a cross generation ship - scorpius/harry and drarry (although 80% of the fic is scor/harry with drarry in the background but I feel that scor/harry is ALWAYS present and is the main theme of the fic. My take!) ;obsession (that's the only tag on the fic on ao3 so yeah it's the core of it all); possessive behavior; mental illness (anxiety, depression) ; infidelity; mentions of paedophilia (it's discussed a lot and the story comes back to it again and again) ; consent; dubious consent (?) ; rape/non-con; explicit sex; mentions of violence; fatal injury; major character death (it was major for me) and a plethora of other stuff but all the above is more prevalent.

So yeah.. I read most of it but I can't say I completed it line by line. One of the reasons I went into it is because of drarry and while there is drarry, scor/harry is much more prevalent. Since I'm a hardcore drarry shipper, when I realised that I decided to not read it. Coz it's not my cup of tea. Simple as that.

Never let it be said that this fic is anything but AMAZING!! The characters, the plot.. it's all good. So if you want to read it, beware of the warnings and proceed. But also remember, that this fic is written by Frayach so there will be A LOT of angst, morality issues, ooc behavior (it feels that way at first.. but there's CONTEXT!!) AND most importantly, can be triggering for a lot of people and although it is endgame drarry it has an open ending (which, expected because this story is far from black and white). So be cautious. If at any point you feel like you can't handle it, leave. That's all.

So yeah.. that was the fic that I was agonizing over. One thing is for sure.. it is one of those fics which just stick with you forever. You won't forget it. At first I was overwhelmed (still am tbh.. still thinking about it even though I didn't complete it.) and I thought maybe it's just me but then I saw the comments... and boi did people have things to say about it. Most people loved it.. or had mixed comments (not because of the writing or the story itself but just because it made them feel a lot and sharing I guess).

So after that essay-ish answer to you ask, i felt it to be necessary trust me, I'm just gonna say this.. AMAZING FIC!! Go read it if anybody wants BUT at your own risk! (I mean it.. it bears repeating). And pls don't blame the author later. You were warned.

#answered ask

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inhonoredglory · 5 years

Note

I honestly can’t really get on board w the ending of httyd 3 for the very fact that it felt like what ppl say happens when you get married, that you leave everyone even your best friend and go to your own little bubble w your partner and kids (maybe occasionally seeing them if your lucky) and being that I haven’t been w anyone ever &that I don’t see my future like that it kinda made me sad that the ending kinda just further reinforced the idea that that’s what’s natural idk

OK. This. This is what has been bothering me pretty hardcore since the film ended and I got over the shine of its shocking newness. I don’t want to really promote negativity in the fandom, but it should be addressed and you bring up what I fear the most in most mainstream narratives, and what I thought we were safe from in the HTTYD franchise.

Because HTTYD as a whole is so strongly and so poignantly about the friendship and fierce love of Hiccup and Toothless: theirs is a Love Story, through and through, and let’s be real: HTTYD3 confirmed that by having Hiccup tell Toothless, “I love you” (if anyone out there was confused before) and by paralleling Stoick’s “love is loss” flashback quote with (not Hiccup and Astrid), but Hiccup and Toothless.

So the narrative definitely elevates the friendship of Hiccup and Toothless. I appreciate that. I appreciate that the film knows this is about “the friendship of a lifetime.” Hiccup is selfless to the point of death for Toothless’ happiness. (Toothless has some development issues and a less-than-stellar portrayal of his own separation anxiety, but that’s another issue written about here in this analysis by @e–wills and @kingofthewilderwest)

The theme of the film is that dragons and humans can’t live with each other because humans are too evil. Toothless must protect his dragonkind. Toothless must lead them to safety. I’m not going to go into the details of how those themes were developed in the film (or if they needed more emphasis). That might be another post once I see the film again.

What I am bothered by is how easily the narrative feeds into what you feared: that friendships must inevitably give way to romantic partnerships. Hiccup says he was paying attention to what he wanted, rather than what Toothless needed. He asks Toothless, “am I enough?” And the narrative is telling us, no. We have so many supporting character relationships turned into romances or hints of romances that weren’t that way before––from Snotlout hitting on Valka, that bit of Valka and Eret, Tuffnut and Hiccup, Gobber and Eret. (Again, I’m not saying romance is bad, but romance––of any stripe––was never the hallmark of HTTYD.) And of course… we get Ruffnut trying to decide which man she wants to fall in love with.. because apparently, even her and Tuffnut can’t be complete with just each other (I’m not the biggest RTTE fan, but I honestly adored that ep where Ruff committed herself to Tuff instead of running off with Throk.)

A hugely disproportionate amount of the jokes in the film were ultimately sexual in nature. And when Toothless is swept off his wings by the Light Fury (literally when he fell into the Hidden World w/ her), the cinematic structure of that scene was that traditional fade to black (read: they had sex) we see in romantic movies since the beginning of movies. Toothless is slobbery and horny. Hiccup and Astrid are on fire (literally, and I could probably get very Freudian about that scene too). The overtness of the sexual undertone in this film felt more powerful to me than the direness of the threat (again, with limited runtime they chose to emphasize developing Toothless and LF’s arc than the villains’).

It bothers me because even though we get the world-scope facts about Toothless having to return to his kind and protect his dragons, we get the emotional and narrative scaffolding of a very, VERY tired and traditional trope. Casual fans are gonna see this movie and knee-jerk right back into the idea that friendships are the things you have as a kid and teen growing up. Those have to ultimately give way to “the real world” where you settle with a romantic partner and have a family.

Are families bad? No. Is romance bad? No. But Hiccup and Toothless represented so much more than that; they represented True Love, which is dedicated, committed, and lifelong. I adored GotNF because it placed the hallmarks and symbology of marriage (willing bondage to another person) in the context of Hiccup and Toothless, the most non-sexual of relationships (bless the fact that Toothless is a dragon because it made friendship the only canon interpretation of their bond). HTTYD3 tries to explain GotNF by saying Toothless had no one to go to when he flew off. But now he does.

I still want to see the film again to really get my thoughts together on this, but at the moment I’m grumbling. I soapbox friendships-as-legit-love a lot and so I was triggered somewhat by the shift. Like you, I’ve never been in a romantic relationship either and I really wonder if the biological drive to get hooked is that powerful in people. Maybe it is…

I lowkey want to write a THW Remix fic putting back in all the themes we know and love into the movie, but with the plot intact, cuz the plot of this film was heartbreakingly beautiful and completely relevant to the biggest Hiccup and Toothless question in their growth: when does a love before selfish?

Anyway, I rambled long enough. Please let’s dialogue about this, fandom. I want to work my feelings out on it and hopefully be proved wrong.

I do recommend reading this post by a friend of mine who believes the friendship was not overpowered by the romance.

#httyd3 #how to train your dragon 3 #httyd thw #httyd3 spoilers #httyd analysis #httyd3 analysis #*mythoughts #*myanalysis #what are my tags ugh #anonymous #ask #analysis #my analysis #*mymeta

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savrecovers · 5 years

Text

Therapy 10/18 (Long post)

I was right about T calling me out on numbing as soon as I walked in the room. She didn’t buy my ‘I’m fine’ for two seconds, which was frustrating, but honestly what I needed. Since she triggered me last week, she already kind of knew what it was I was trying to run from by staying busy, which sucked, because she didn’t waste any time jumping right into it. I tried to avoid talking about it and kind of gave her the run around, but she explained why I needed to talk about it in a good way, “Trying to run and numb everything clearly isn’t serving you very well or you wouldn’t be here, so wouldn’t you rather get this Thing out of your head and out in the open where you can get someone else’s perspective on it? If you don’t, it stays there, going through the filters of your experiences and your values and all that, and it gets stuck. A different perspective helps undo that.” I felt so stuck for awhile, not sure where to begin or how to talk about it, but eventually told her a really small piece of the Thing, that she then used to get more details and y’all, that was the first time I had started to talk about the Thing and it sucked. So much. About half-way through talking about it, I hardcore noped it had her change the subject. We started talking about negative self-talk and how much I hate and blame myself for everything and even though she made it clear she didn’t think what happened was my fault, I still feel like it was. I feel really bad about it all and talking about it only made me want to blame myself more, which she shut down, but agreed that I wasn’t going to see that it wasn’t my fault until I’m ready. About half way through, I was getting very jumpy at the sound of doors opening down the hall and she handled it and all my anxiety about talking about the Thing really well, and did good making me feel like I was safe and that I could let myself feel what I had been pushing away while I was there. I started to cry at my frustration with everything right after that because she pushed a bit more and I got frustrated with myself for feeling everything and being overwhelmed by it and blaming myself. I needed the release and everything, but I’m exhausted. As the session got closer to ending, she got me back grounded (which I appreciated after leaving last time still kind of dissociating) and helped me set the Thing aside until I can deal with it again (I have class at three, just an hour after we finish). Overall, I’m happy I switched from seeing S to her because she actually seems to understand where I’m coming from and rather than simply letting me steer her away from the Thing to other smaller things I probably don’t need to be focused, she pushes me to be real with her, which is helpful even though it sucks in the moment. Overall, it was a productive, but painful session and I’m exhausted, but not dreading everything I have to do today too much.

Things she said I want to remember:

“You’ve been thinking bad about yourself for so long it’s comfortable to you. It’s time to stop it.”

“This is a safe place where you can let yourself feel whatever it is you need to. I can hold your emotions and keep you contained and safe here, with me.”

“A memory can’t hurt you.”

“You have this bright personality, you’re like a star and you don’t get to say that it isn’t true because you absolutely glow, even when you feel bad about yourself.”

“If you don’t let yourself cry, this is going to keep building up and building up until you explode at the worst possible time, in the worst possible place, in the most awkward situation.”

“It wasn’t your fault. He was going to do what he wanted to do whether you were there or not. You were collateral damage. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Your negative self-talk isn’t going to change just like that, but the one thing you need to change right now is saying you don’t deserve (best friend) and that they would be happier without you. They wouldn’t have stuck around this long if they didn’t want to. You deserve them.”

Homework for next time (11/1): Make a timeline of what I remember (one sentence) for each year of my life, the first thing that pops in my head and let myself cry when I need to (shower cry lol)

#therapy #update #mental health #trauma #dissociation #painful but helpful session

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jaerie · 5 years

Text

11/11/11

I was tagged by @phd-mama and @allwaswell16 and @chloehl10 so this is more like 33/11/11 hahaha I got a little carried away with this but I love answering stuff like this

Answer 11 questions, come up with 11 more, tag 11 people.

1. Tell me, do you like music on when you write??

No, I have to have silence. Or, you know, normal household noises. When I was in high school I listened to music with the tv on while doing my homework but now.... I think it’s moreso because I periodically close my eyes and visualize the scene or really throw myself into the character to get the emotions right and the music just takes away from that. I also hear music in a really complex way which I won’t explain here because this is about writing, but yea, it’s too much stimulation

2. Are you someone who plots everything out before you write it?

Absolutely not. I can count on my fingers the number of times I’ve actually plotted something for a fic in this fandom. I’m definitely a fly by the seat of my pants kind of writer. I generally have somewhere the fic is going, but I usually let the characters steer so sometimes it vectors off someplace I never expected it to go. That’s how so many of my better fics have gone. I did have to plot out As We Were, As We Are extensively because wow complex precise true to life timelines, but that’s really the only one I’ve actually done a real one for.

3. Do you write in chronological order?

Most of the time, yes. Occassionally I’ll jump down and write or start a scene that either inspired the whole fic or that I want to get down before I forget it, but I usually write from start to finish.

4. Do you like to eat while writing?

hahahahaha usually no. But only because I’ll get distracted and like.... not write....

5. Is there a trope you love?

I am a sucker for fake/pretend relationships. It’s so obviously one of the most predictable storylines but I’ll read every one of them. I don’t know why. The misunderstanding angst of it... I don’t know!

6. Have you written it? (See 5)

I don’t... think so... Is that bad I don’t remember? But I don’t think I have

7. Is there a trope you hate?

I can’t really do the sugar baby/daddy scenario... there are a few cases where it’s worked but in general, no.

8. Have you written it? (See 7)

I think there is a little bit of it in a couple maybe? And someone asked me to write one that’s still in my maybe pile... so I might.

9. Can you read your main ship with other pairings?

Depends. Usually yes because if it’s a pairing I don’t like I just kind of generically gloss over it in my mind a bit? Or imagine the same description but not that exact person? But there aren’t really a lot of absolute nos for me and it’s usually related to me not like that PERSON rather than the ship (taylor swift for example, have to really speed through fics with her in parts BUT like I said, it’s easy for me to imagine a likeness that’s not HER specifically. Idk). If it’s well written then it’s worth getting through it, if it’s not well written, I probably wouldn’t finish it anyway.

10. What’s a solid NO GO for you?

I don’t have many and most of them even have exceptions so I don’t know what a solid no is until I see a tag that’s a solid no?? And they’re the usual general niche things? (scat, watersports, idk those things) Hardcore bdsm-type is a no for me (but there have been some exceptions). MOST things that are nos for me like daddy kink, I can still read the fic, I just kind of... speed through those parts? I don’t really have any actual triggers... I don’t really read a lot of girl direction if they’re both girls. Which is a weird complicated issue for me because I WRITE IT. And there are some good ones out there that I have read but in general...? idk it’s weird and probably has a lot to do with me being sdpofijapsdgjoidsjfosdj about words for vagina rather than it actually being girls. But to be fair it took me years to be comfortable writing cock and dick without blushing and running off. I don’t know, it’s something about reading it that it usually isn’t my first choice. That was a long complicated answer just to say “not really”

11. Do you have a signature move, aka, let’s say for no particular reason, just because, coming in pants?

oh my god. Yes. Probably. I can’t think off of the top of my head but I definitely find myself returning to the same phrasing or words or actions. Especially when it comes to abo and knotting.

1. What’s your favourite fic you’ve ever written, and why?

Sisterwives and As We Were, As We Are I think because they are the two I put the most into. Plotting, planning, emotions, etc.

2. Pick three words that you think describe your works overall.

Problematic (lol), intense/emotional, sexual.

3. How long does it take you to write a fic?

Varies. I’ve written 20k+ in 24 hours and I’ve written 5k in a month. Really depends on what I’m working on and my emotional state of stress.

4. What’s the hardest thing about writing?

For me? Fluff and filler. And English. I’ve fallen into a pattern of writing that probably has a lot of errors in tense. But... it is what it is.

5. Do you listen to music or anything while you write? What’s normal for you when you write?

I answered this one in depth above

6. How do you come up with titles for your fics?

I have this terrible thing where I just name a fic and run and then regret it and want to change it once it’s already posted hahahahaha There are a handful that I’ve named after Hanson lyrics just because I think it’s funny... but most of the time there is no rhyme or reason to it.

7. What’s one piece of advice you’d give to a new writer?

Just keep writing. Because it’s easy to get discouraged about kudos and attention. Kudos and attention does NOT equal quality. It’s still something that I struggle with letting go, but as a new writer it’s more difficult not to see that as a failure. But my first fics in this fandom still have some pretty low kudos counts and my fics in other fandoms have as few as FIVE kudos. Five. I think they’re great fics, but I’m just not as known in that fandom/there aren’t as many readers. For example, I wrote this AWESOME Brokeback Mountain fic for the Hanson fandom and it has only 15 kudos.

8. How important do you think tags are when you are publishing a fic?

*gets up on soapbox* Tags are the most important part of publishing a fic. I am a firm believer that anyone can write anything the want as long as it is properly tagged. Proper tagging is the writer’s only responsibility to the reader. If those are in place, what follows doesn’t have to be tailored to anyone.

9. Do you write for fests/exchanges? If so, do you enjoy them? If not, why not?!

I have mixed feelings about this. I used to write for both. Now I exclusively write for fests and I’m selective about the ones I participate in. Why? Well for one, deadlines. I’ve made the mistake too many times of overcommitting and then nothing felt right and I was stessed about it and just... not good. As for exchanges... I’ve been burned in the past? By dropouts and such? Or by the giftee not liking or never reading the fic? Or by me needing to drop out for mental health reasons but not because I was writing FOR someone? I’ve done a handful of pinch hits since I swore off exchanges, but they’re too much anxiety for me personally. (I have had some good experiences with exchanges though!! Not all of them were bad!!)

10. Which work of yours are you most proud of and why?

As We Were, As We Are..... because.... DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FRICKIN RESEARCH I DID FOR THAT FIC!? ALL WHILE WRITING IT DURING NANO?!?! I put soooooooo much into that fic that I’m sad it didn’t get much attention. It was written for the Alex exchange so Harry is written as Alex so that’s probably why. Some people have a big problem if fics aren’t written a certain way. I don’t know. I was really sad about that though. I LIVED in WWII for months with that fic and it will always be special to me. I’ve even thought about putting more work into into it to have it published somewhere. I know it’s not like... classic 1D fic quality or whatever but I think the bones of it are strong enough. I don’t know, I’m probably delusional. haha but I still like it

11. What’s next for you?

Oh man. Well. I said I was going to stop writing for this fandom. But then this rush of support came in and then I started to feel really spiteful and thought that I’d keep going just because of that... and I feel like I’m only just now gaining a following for my fics that keeps me motivated enough to keep improving... soooo I’ve committed to a few fests coming out this fall. I am also participating in Wordplay going on right now. The first fic comes out tomorrow I think. I also have some Sisterwives timestamps.

1. What fic have you written that you wish everyone would read?

dunkirk fic and sisterwives probably

2. What’s your favorite character you’ve ever written?

hahahahaha harry from one of my yet to be published sekret fics hahahahaha but I really love so many of them like shifter harry

3. What’s your most popular fic and why do you think it’s your most popular?

By Kudos? Where Do We Go Now. And I have no idea. Because I always have to click to even remember which one it is. And it was written so fast and I remember not liking where it went but just hit publish because it was a pinch hit... I honestly have no idea. Someone please give me insight on this because i have no idea.

4. What’s one of your favorite fan fics that you haven’t written?

I kind of answered this above but I’ll also say The Wilds because it wrote so fast. I wrote the whole thing in under 24 hours

5. What is your current WIP about?

Ummmmm Some of them are going to be posted on anon I think? So I’ll just say Thor Harry

6. What is a fic that you hope to write someday?

siiiiigghhhhhhhh my Almost Famous au

7. Do you read fics from other fandoms? Which ones?

I read a lot of Thorki... and random fandoms. I love to read a lot of fucked up shit just for the shock value of it?? I don’t know, I’m weird like that. So I started branching out to general tag searches so I’ve read stuff from tons of fandoms that I don’t even know what they are. I think Supernatural is one I frequent a lot because they have some real fucked up fics.

8. What author or book has influenced you as a writer?

Sooooo There was a writer that really sparked my creativity back when I was in a different fandom. But then they disappeared from that fandom and I ran into them as a popular figure in the 1D fandom but they’re kind of hated in the fandom now?? so I won’t say their name. BUT in the other fandom, they had this fic that I still go back and read to this day every once in a while. It was intense, a lil fucked up, and just... yeah. The kind that sticks with you.

9. What’s one of your favorite books from when you were a child?

Island of the Blue Dolphins. Which I reread a few years ago and ??? idk I was a weird child. I mean I didn’t think it was a BAD book

10. What’s an au/trope that you thought you didn’t like until you read one and loved it?

Harry Potter AUs? haha I’m sure there are more than that because there have been a LOT I didn’t think I’d enjoy and then I loved... OH THE TIME TRAVELER AU. I don’t remember why but I didn’t read that foreeeeever because I didn’t think it was my thing.

11. Choose one: angst or fluff?

angst. this isn’t even a question.

Wow. I probably spent too much time on that. If you’ve made it this far, kudos for sticking in there through my ramblings.

Let’s see.

1. What is the most problematic concept in one of your fics?

2. Mpreg. Yey or ney and why.

3. What aspect of a fic can you write but not read?

4. What aspect of a fic can you read but not write?

5. What fic is your most popular?

6. Is it a fic that surprises you or is it one you wish was not as popular?

7. Is there an exchange/fest that you didn’t write for that you wish you would have?

8. Do you write in any other fandoms?

9. What was the first fandom you started writing for?

10. Do you write other pairings other than your main?

11. What projects are on the back burner?

Omg this was so hard. um.... @tragic---love @wendydarlingfics @reminiscingintherain ummmmmm omg tagging people gives me such anxiety bc i feel like i’m annoying. its a struggle. back at cha @chloehl10

#11/11/11

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hazeleyedfloozy · 5 years

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Lucky Blue Flannel Part 5.

Hellllllooooo friends! It is I! Your friendly (annoying) neighborhood fangirl that has a thousand things she should be doing but decided to write instead lmao. (Laundry?? I don’t know her.)

Anyway!!! This is a longer installment, and angsty as hell. Soooo you know the drill.

CW’s: Drugging, abuse, therapy, anxiety, PTSD, mental health, etc. I don’t believe there’s any use of swear words; but just be cautious. I’m giving this a Mature Audiences rating, due to the mentions of drugging/ mental health and therapy.

ALSO. The scene with Dr. Williamson is inspired by a real life experience I had with my own therapist. I in no shape or form am a psychologist or claim to be one.

You looked bad. Your eyes puffy and full of wet, soggy tears; drenching your already-soaked tear stained cheeks. Your hair was covering your face, masking the tears. You hadn’t had a day like in forever. Days like these, you’d usually call Mark; who’d send take-away and usually end up staying late into the night, talking you out of the episode that had spiraled out of control.

You weren't always like this. There used to be another part to you. A part that was free. Someone who laughed at the small things, danced in the rain, and never minded what others thought of her. You missed her. You missed the girl you once knew.

What happened to you?

Katie Williamson, a doctor of psychology and the best damn therapist the world had to offer; had decided to take you on as a client, six months after you were first experiencing symptoms. The fatigue, the never ending nights of insomnia, panic attacks that you were positive were the end of all common and true thought. Katie had diagnosed you with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, along with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

“I didn’t always used to be like this…” The sobs spilled out of you uncontrollably.

“Do you perhaps think that something might have caused what you’re feeling, Y/N?”

“I…” You started, afraid to finish your sentence. Dr. Williamson (Katie, she always preferred to be referred to as) looked at you with trusting eyes.

“I… was… I… was…” You hiccuped.

“Take your time. It’s okay. You are safe here. You don’t have to be scared.”

“There was a teacher at the first school I worked at…. he crushed on me pretty hardcore. He’d always try to hug me in the hallways, be super friendly, ask me about my sex life. We were close friends. And I agreed to go out with him once; and… he put something in my drink.” You croaked. The words seems to tumble out of you faster than you ever thought your tongue could manage.

“Y/N… did something… did you report him?” Katie asked softly, her eyes now deep with fury.

“I tried… but the school recommended that I find another position some place else. It’s why I have the job I do now… and I don’t regret that for a second because my kids are my reason…”

“Reason for?”

“Reason to believe that I might make it out of this alive.” You sobbed.

It had been two years since you first told Katie about your experience. You’d been going to see her weekly for the first six months, then monthly afterward. Though you hadn’t seen her in quite a bit of time. Earlier that afternoon, (pre panic attack) you'd scheduled an appointment to meet her the following Monday. It was Friday. Meaning you had three days of trying to pull yourself together enough to face the outside world. You’d promised John you’d attend the after-party for Queen’s gig this evening; but knew deep inside that you wouldn’t be able to pull it together by dinnertime.

You saw your attacker that morning. You’d started the morning off right, with a early work out at the gym. You’d forgotten to pack breakfast, so you stopped at your favorite coffee stand just three blocks away from your work.

“Do my eyes deceive me, or is it Star Girl in the flesh?” Your attacker whispered in your ear, standing eerily close to you at the coffee stand. You shuttered; almost falling to the ground in fear. Star-Girl was the nickname he’d given you when he first heard you sing. You’d become close friends, and you trusted him.

“It’s me.” You shrugged, pulling your most treasured blue flannel tighter to you. Katie had coached you through how to know what a trigger might feel like; this was definitely one of them.

“What… did our fun little outing make you SOOO upset you just had to leave the school? You know they gave me a two week suspension because of you. Little slut. I’m positive you just drank too much and regretted it after!!!” The venom in his words struck your skin as if a snake had actually sank it’s teeth into your forearm.

“You liked it…” He continued, whispering into your ear. You felt the anger rise in your belly; and suddenly, your fist made contact with his jaw. Falling to the ground in pain, he desperately tried to trip you with one hand wrapped around your ankle. The anger and frustration still searing through your body; you kicked your boot into his stomach. You continued to wail on the man; every punch a goodbye letter to all of the horrible feelings he’d drawn upon you since the incident. With every kick, you said goodbye to the man that had changed your life forever.

“Alright… alright!!! Break it up!!!” Called the barista from behind the coffee stand. You cowered in fear, knowing he was still just feet away from you.

The coffee stand made sure you made it home safely; buying you a cab to get you back to your flat.

Sarah was the only person in your personal life that knew about your experience, and guarded it tightly to her heart. You grimaced at the clock; knowing that John’s gig was about to end.

You tried to put yourself together, but it was no use. It was nonsense trying to put a happy face on, even if for the man you adored so much. You’d been going on dates, spending loads of time with John.

You were falling in love. Plain and simple. You hadn’t told John about what happened to you; and you hoped that day would never come. But here you were; puffy eyed and so shaken up. The phone rang; you lifted yourself gently from the couch to answer it.

“Hello… this is Y/N.” You whispered, knowing it would be John on the other end.

“Love… are you alright?” He asked.

“I’m… I’m…” You sobbed into the phone.

“I’m on my way. Stay where you are.” He gently spoke into the phone.

He was at your flat in what seemed like only two minutes. He was holding a box of carry out; along with a single red rose. You smiled softly at him; knowing you’d have to explain everything.

“Do you wanna tell me what’s going on? What’s wrong, love?” He whispered lovingly as you sat on the couch. His fingers traced your forearms lovingly, knowing that it was a calming mechanism of your own design.

“I saw him today.” You whispered, sobs threatening to break your now almost calm state.

“Whom, love?”

“I… here was a teacher at the first school I worked at…. he crushed on me pretty hardcore. He’d always try to hug me in the hallways, be super friendly, ask me about my sex life. And I agreed to go out with him once; and… he put something in my drink.” You slowly broke the news. His soft, gentle features turned into anger as you explained your situation.

“Where is this person?” He asked, lifting himself off the couch; grabbing his jacket.

“Why?” You asked

“I’m gonna kill him.” He whispered. His fists were clenched with anger; those beautiful eyes you were falling in love with a shade of red.

“John… stop it. I’m okay.” You whispered, running to shut the door he’d swung open. You latched the door behind the two of you; your eyes wet with new tears.

“I didn’t want to tell you… because I was scared you would…”

“I would?” He questioned.

“I didn’t want you to loose interest in me or think I was too much.” You murmured.

His eyes became red with tears; struggling to remain completely together, a sob snuck out of the bassist’ throat.

“Can I hold you, please?” He said through sobs. You nodded slowly. He took you in his arms, scooping every last inch of you into his chest. He pressed his forehead to your own; your tears intertwining. You hadn’t realized John was so in touch with emotions.

“I could never… ever think less of you. You are my sun, my moon and all of the stars in the sky.” He mused, kissing your forehead.

“Are you taking love lessons from Brian now?” You joked, kissing his cheek.

“He’s the one who should be taking lessons from me.” He nudged you. There were several moments of him holding you, you holding him; being tangled in each other’s embrace.

“I promise… I will never let anything bad happen to you, ever again.” He softly spoke, running his hands over your forearms again.

After a quiet night of watching films, eating a copious amount of take out, and finishing off the night with a batch of cookie dough. (Lets be honest, were you ever planning to bake the dang cookies anyway?) You’d decided to hit the hay. John had never stayed the night before; but you’d planned to ask him at some point.

“John…”

“Y/N..” You began to talk over each other. You stopped talking, wanting to hear that precious voice of his fill the quiet flat.

“I was wondering… perhaps… I could come over for breakfast tomorrow? I just don’t want to be away from you for that long…” He smiled shyly.

“You can stay the night… you’d have to borrow one of my flannels to sleep in though.” You warned, a sly smile appearing across your face.

“I know the exact one.” He laughed.

You never knew how beautiful someone was until you saw him sleeping next to you. You’d spent the past twenty minutes admiring the lad; who’d fallen asleep quickly. “John… are you awake?” You whispered.

“Now I am…” He grumbled.

“I just… I’m really happy.” You whispered, kissing his cheek.

“I am as well, sweetheart. I love you…” John whispered, kissing your shoulders and bringing you into him. His hands slipped around your frame; almost cradling you.

“I love you, too.” You responded, squeezing his strong arms as sleep washed over the both of you.

ANYWAY HI yes I hope you all like this installment! Please be kind if you have any comments or suggestions! Don’t go breaking my heart. (Pun totally intended) anyway if anyone would like an imagine or a headcannon just send them my way!! Love you all! You are enough!

#john deacon #queen fanfic #queenfandom #queen #fanfic #writing #mywriting #writing is hard #iloveart #fandom #fangirl #john deacon x reader #brian may #roger taylor #freddiemercury #hurt/comfort #pls be kind #anyway i need to sleep

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philcphobic · 5 years

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[ TWO / THREE ] hello, KRIS again & this is my son CHOI TAEWOO ! he is the younger brother of @rnicohq & he Does Not belong here ... but here he is anyway ! he’s a memeber of WAIKIKIS and he’s the gang’s somewhat imcompetent thief. if you’d like to plot smash that heart & let’s create something beautiful !

[ TRIGGER WARNINGS ; ANXIETY, DEPRESSION ]

LIFE BEFORE GANG ACTIVITY !

he was born to a wealthy man and a beautiful, beautiful woman whom of which his father did not deserve … at all ! looking back on it now, taewoo doesn’t really understand how his mother could’ve fell in love with a man like him but she always told him that them meeting resulted in the best things in her life ( aka her children uwu ) and she wouldn’t trade that for the world !!!

he’s the youngest of three children, but some things aren’t meant to be. it just b like that sometimes. you see, taewoo was really young when their parents divorced, like it literally happened maybe a year or two after he was born !! unfortunately ... both of his siblings went with daddie dearest ...

so, now that he and his mother were on their own with little money to their names ( with absolutely no help from his father obviously ), they struggled financially. they stayed with his grandmother, and he began seeing less of his mom because she started working two jobs to be able to provide for the three of them.

as he grew up, taewoo always wondered why their father didn’t want to see him even part time, but that’s none of his business. he doesn’t really know why their parents just agreed to never see the children the other had, so he lowkey thought it was just always something about him specifically.

to ease his worrying, his mother always told him that their father was a bad man, and that his siblings ... wanted nothing to do with him ! they all apparently HATED him !! it made him feel ... really alone, because he would’ve liked to grow up with his siblings ... someone to teach him how to do this or that, or to hear experiences from so he knows what to do / doesn’t make the same mistakes ...

he would’ve liked to have someone to depend on other than his mom & grandma since he didn’t want to burden them.

he had heard nothing about his siblings; his mom was adamant on not telling him anything other than the fact she was mad at them ... ( this is important for later ).

on nights he wasn’t able to see his mom his grandmother always reminded him to do the best that he could in school so one day he could support his mom when she was too tired to continue working two jobs at night.

the most logical thing to do was not ask for help from anyone and let he and his mother suffer for a couple years … in turn, he worked his ass off in school to become one of the top students every year !!! however, this caused him to lack a social life since he always wanted to study, study, study ... he needed to do well, you know?

he thought if he wasn’t successful in school and didn’t eventually have a good job one day he’d be a disappoint to his mother who worked so hard for him day and night.

he also grew up resenting his father ( as he should ) & siblings since they seemed to have all the money in the world, right? he doesn’t understand why they couldn’t share !!! or try contacting him ! truth was ... grandma and mom probably blocked them out hardcore if they tried but ... taewoo wouldn’t know that; how would he?

they believed he would be better off without them. perhaps they were afraid that taewoo would get into trouble, just like his siblings did. they didn’t tell the young boy that nico disappeared from their father’s watchful eye when nico was in middle school ( taewoo was 6-8 years old !!!!! ) and that his sister also disappeared just a couple years after until several years later ...

his mother finally told him during his second year of high school, which is almost a decade after nico even went off to join his first gang ... you cannot imagine how upset he was because like ... how could she just choose to NOT tell him anything? those are his siblings ...

all taewoo had to go off of were photos all these years ... so when he saw & met nico after all this time ... instead of expressing his worry he ... let out his anger instead? he knows his brother means well now, but he is also blinded by LIES his mother told + he doesn’t really want to listen to his brother’s side either so ... taewoo is just being difficult.

it does not help that their sister is missing probably because of nico’s enemies ...

taewoo also knows it isn’t nico’s fault deep down, but he blames him anyway out of pent up confusion on his own feelings towards his brother being in his life a little more

( ANXIETY, DEPRESSION ) in all seriousness, taewoo ... struggles like ... a lot. he’s put so much on his shoulders and his heart is too soft to request for any help from anyone. it’s a lot of stress on someone young, and the worry that he’ll someday fail or that he’s doing this and that wrong constantly plague bis mind ... he underestimates himself a lot, and he overthinks everything to the point where it’s unbearable. he’s trying his best but he’s sinking faster than he’s climbing.

ENTERING GANG LIFE !

anyways, taewoo thinks he wants to be closer to his brother, and he thinks the only way to do so is by joining ... u guessed it ! a gang !!! however, taewoo also wants friends ... and since he’s never really had any before, he’s desperate ... so why tf not, right?

however ... taewoo is stupid, and met someone who wasn’t apart of rose golden and joined the WAIKIKIS instead !!! but it’s fine, because in the end he does get friendships out of it all, you know? he also hoped he could learn to be a lil more … independent? be more care free as opposed to scared of everything?

he lived his entire life in a bubble, protected from both the dangers and the wonders of the world because his goal was so straightforward. he was to do well in school, get a job that paid well so he would be able to pay his mom back for ( still, to this day ! ) working so hard to provide for the both of them; he’s never considered the option of stepping out of line in fear he’ll jeopardize his grades or something … like the nerd he is.

so he probably joined sometime after he turned 18? thank you jeno @guiltheavy for introducing him to waikikis ... even though rose golden was the goal, in hindsight, he doubts they’d accept him since he is not even close to being as wealthy as he could be to join them anyways ! plus the waikikis ... are just ... more his style ...

he really doesn’t like being in gang bc … you know … gangs do dangerous things but he’s glad that waikikis are like … super chill and not that … terrible per se. even though he’s been involved for a year you’re going to find him a scaredy cat ! super scared of doing anything dangerous — probably definitely squeaks when a gun is fired within 25 feet of him SFHJDSFND

he doesn’t belong in a gang and he knows it !!! but he’s still determined to … become one of them … even though he technically is one of them … he’s been assigned as a thief for the gang, but because of taewoo’s morals to be a good person, he’s somewhat incompetent. he’s successful in stealing, definitely, but he feels so bad he tries to return the things he’s required to steal half the time ... he believes the longer he’s in waikikis, the tougher he’ll become ...

uhhhhhhhhhh he’s a babie pls protect him ,

TAEWOO AS A PERSON !

although he doesn’t seem like it, being naive and pristine, he’s really intelligent. he lives with his nose stuck in a book, and he’s filled with so many facts that he could write his own encyclopedia. his knowledge allows him to have many different skills, despite not immediately displaying them to people ... ever. he’s got medical knowledge and he knows how to repair a range of things ... he’s not completely useless !

the thing about taewoo is that he likes knowing everything, so he learns as many things as his brain is willing to handle. first aid is something he was interested in for a long time, as he wants to one day become a doctor.

he is a university freshman studying biomedical science, and he takes school seriously. he puts school before his gang duties and no matter what, his education will ALWAYS come first. he would do anything for his mother, and he wants to succeed for her. he needs to do well in school or else he would just ... he’d be really sad ok.

in summary of taewoo, he’s 98% book smart and 2% street smart. he’s very much inexperienced and so, so naive ... but he’s trying to do better. he constantly says he’s willing to do dangerous things but he’s really scared if he actually has to do these said dangerous things �� yes he’s an absolute mess.

pure to the point that it’s just sad. like i said before, he’s lived in this bubble his entire life with one goal in mind, and that did not include having even a tiny bit of a social life outside of one or two friends. like ... he’s never held anyone’s hand, never went on a date, never kissed anyone ( someone please kiss him !!!!!!!!! ), never got real hugs except from his family ( someone PLEASE hug him !!!!!!!!!!! ), never had a significant other …

don’t say any sexual innuendos around him, he will not get it !!!!!!

he’s trying his best,,, that’s what counts,,,

#pabintro #⟨ 𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐂. ╱ out of character ⟩ * 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐃𝐔𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒.#this is a MESS but idc anymore !!!!!

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years

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Survey #166

“you are my slave, my little fucking disaster.”

Are your eyes the same color as your mom’s or your dad’s? Neither's. Are you afraid of elevators? YEP. When was the last time you pulled an all-nighter? What was the reason behind it? How did you feel the next day? No less than a month ago when I was binging someone on YouTube... Maybe Shane? Which of the following areas is going best for you right now: finances, work, love life, social life or education? Why do you say this? Lol only my love life is going well. All the other categories are on fire rn. :^) Have you ever heard of somebody doing something disrespectful to somebody’s grave? Or seen vandalism on a grave/gravestone? No, thank goodness. What is something you do differently, depending on your mood, environment, etc. (could be anything from what kind of outfit you choose to how you react when somebody irritates you)? Well, dress, for one. I'm at home, I'm permanently in pjs. I try not to swear around kids. Lots of other stuff... This question is pretty broad. What was the last song to bring out strong emotions in you? I'm not sure. Metaphorically speaking, what was the last thing to crush you? Finding out my cousin can die at the snap of a finger. You are about to die; what do you do with your worldly possessions? Give 'em to family and charities. Do you take vitamins daily? No. Do you know anyone that’s handicapped? Probably. Do you know any illegal immigrants? I did, but he got deported after he fucked up with getting involved in crime. Do you own any formal gowns/tuxes? I have one black dress I'd wear to certain occasions if I could actually fit in it, which I definitely could not currently. Can you sit for long periods of time? NO. Pretty sure my surgery caused a sensitive nerve, because afterwards, I couldn't and still can't sit very long without getting up being horrendous and slow. Do you have any cavities? Just one I'm scheduled to get fixed next month. What’s the most attractive thing on the opposite sex?  Why do I like shoulder blades so much like why Do you regularly experience pain in any part of your body? My knees constantly hurt. Wish I knew why. Last place you flew to on a plane? Chicago, and I'm going again real soon. :') Does Europe or Asia sound more appealing to you for a vacation? Ugh both. But it's more likely I'll see Europe. Who was the last person to give you a hickey? If ever. He Who Shall Not Be Named. What is your lover's middle name? Jane. Who was the last person to flirt with you, other than your lover? I don't think anyone. What’s your favorite type of sushi? Never tried it, not interested. What’s your favorite patriotic song? All that's coming to mind is "Courtesy of the Red, White, And Blue" by Toby Kieth. It's pretty catchy. Have you ever read a book about a character in a psych ward? No, but that'd actually be really interesting and maybe relatable to me... though that could also prove dangerous and triggering, too. Have you ever been in a mental hospital as a patient? Five or six times, I stopped paying attention at four. Whose place did you last chill at and with who? Colleen's. Have you ever been lead on? I don't think so. Have you ever slept with a member of the opposite sex without having sex? Well yeah, we were in a long-term relationship, we were just about an old married couple just like "nah son we going to bed." Sleeping with each other was enough. What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? Peasant, I won the D.A.R.E. writing contest in the 5th grade, I say hugs not drugs. Has someone close to you died of a murder? No. How often do you brush your hair? Every time after a shower and before I go out. Short hair makes caring for it so much easier. Did you ever listen to Avril Lavigne when you were younger? Fuck yeah I did. What are three things you refuse to ever do? Prostitute, abuse someone, do drugs. Do you have any medication that you keep with you at all times? Yes, anxiety attack med. What’s something that’s much more difficult than a lot of people realize? Putting on and maintaining a happy face with depression. Have you ever began a relationship with someone you knew for less than a week? No. Do you typically do your make up the same each time? Or do you like to change it up often? It's pretty much the same. What is your favorite breakfast food? Cinnamon rolls. Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? Yeah. When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?” Check your heart if you actually ask yourself this. Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? No. Have you ever blocked someone on Facebook before? Yeah. Tattoos on your lower back - cute or trashy? Neither, reliant on just placement. I couldn't care less where you get tatted, the location doesn't *automatically* make something (un)attractive. Also, try to convince me how the placement of a tat is "trashy." What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever cried about? There's no telling. Ever faked an orgasm? No. Done something illegal to your car? N/A What scars on your body do you have? Oh, boy... I scar so easily. My worst ones are on my shins from scratching the fuck out of them after shaving, I have two scars from stitches, various cat scratches, a scar from bumping into the side of Venus' cage, one from accidentally scratching my hand pretty bad while washing my feet in the shower (don't even ask how I accomplished that), faint self-harm ones. I have way too many. Ever date anybody in middle school? One guy. Puppylove. Ever written your number in a public bathroom or a school text book? If so, did anyone actually call you? No. Ever had an infection of any kind? Yeah. Ears, a piercing, a cyst... probably more. Oh, and I have inactive MRSA, if that counts. Would you prefer cherry Cola or vanilla Cola? Omggggggg, gimme cherry. Vanilla Coke is gross. Have you ever tried to draw an anime version of yourself? No. How do you feel when you are ignored? I handle this worse than the average person. No one likes it, but it makes me feel especially unimportant, annoying, and unworthy of any attention, because something must be "wrong" with me. I guess it's maybe an AvPD thing, like I interpret it as rejection. Name a site that you visit everyday. KM. I'm like an overprotective mom of it that has to ensure everything is fine. Have you ever led the prayer at dinnertime? If not, do you want to? I have on Thanksgiving. Would you rather play an instrument or be the singer? If I was actually confident in my voice, sing. Turkey or ham for Thanksgiving? Turkey is too dry, so I was all about spiral ham. Do you celebrate Black Friday? I just shop online if there's a good deal I come across. What song are you listening to right now? "Army Of The Night" by Powerwolf. Have you ever been bitten by an animal? Nipped, sure. Then occasionally a cat would play too rough. Colons or equal signs for your smiley face’s eyes? Colons. At what point were your parents most disappointed in you? I don't know. Have you ever had a tarot reading or palm reading? No, I don't believe they're in any way factual. If you’re no longer in school, what is something you miss about it? If you’re still in school, what’s something you think you’re going to miss about it? I miss at least somewhat of a social life. What is the greatest amount of money you’ve spent on a concert ticket? How much would you be willing to spend to see your favorite band/artist? Idk how much the Alice Cooper tickets were. To see my absolute favorite... maybe $300? Do you use your turn signals when you’re driving? I'll judge you the moment I find out you don't. When you play Monopoly, what game piece do you choose to use for going around the board? The dog. What books (if any) have you read more than once? Meerkat Manor: Flower of the Kalahari and Because of Winn-Dixie off the top of my head. What is something you like to think about while you fall asleep? Happy thoughts. Focus on something good that happened and stuff like that. How long do you think you could tolerate going without showering? There's absolutely no way I could go beyond three. Even after two days, I feel pretty yucky. If you had the power to instantly transform someone’s life (for the better), who would you choose to use this on? My mom. She's never happy and probably doesn't remember what it's like to not be a stressed mess. Does it bother you when surveys ask about political or cultural topics that could possibly be controversial? No. Does someone’s view on homosexuality affect how you feel about them in any way? Yup. How about someone’s view on religion? It depends on which and how hardcore you are about it. Do you wear Crocs? Set them aflame. What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed? Sara. Don't even mean that sexually, it just means I get to cuddle with her lmao. What’s the nicest text in your inbox say? Certainly something saved from Sara. Who was your last missed call? Vocational rehab. The person you have feelings for says he/she wants to have sex, you say? Well first if she was absolutely certain about wanting to. Then I'd be all for it. Do you know how many people your best friend has had sex with? None. KFC or Popeye’s? I don't like fried chicken, like at all. If you could have a neon light sign that said anything you wanted, or looked like anything you wanted, what would it be? I deadass want a retro-style, blue one that reads "but be very Jim" to confuse the unenlightened. What was the last thing to malfunction/break in your house? Was it fixed? Something was wrong with the washer. I think it's been fixed? Or Mom's doing laundry elsewhere. What was the last uncomfortable situation you were in? I was getting my knees x-rayed and of course they needed a billion angles, and I couldn't totally understand what the woman was telling me (very echoey), so I just totally ragdolled and let her do whatever with my legs, but she needed me to readjust a lot and just ugh it was awkward and I felt very annoying. Do you think it is awkward for people over sixteen to have sleepovers? No????? Are you good about sharing your belongings? Are there certain items [aside from obvious things like your underwear] that you wouldn’t be willing to share with anyone? It depends on what it is and who you are. Something I'd share with no one... idk. Will you cry at your wedding? I will get raccoon eyes the moment I see her. What was the last thing you sang? "Where The Wild Wolves Have Gone" by Powerwolf. Gummy bears or Gummy worms? Worms. What’s your middle name(s)? Marie Catherine. If your last ex said they hate you, you say? I wouldn't know what to say; I'd be pretty damn hurt. We've been friends since high school and he's the last "real" friend I have irl. Only one I ever occasionally see, only one who checks up on me. What do you struggle with the most? Anxiety. It affects so many areas of my life. Are you good at giving advice? I don't think I'm bad. Especially if you give me a moment to think on the topic. What do you want to change about your looks? W E I G H T Do any of your pajama pants have holes in them? There's quite a lot in my Batman pair. Old. What do you get cravings for the most? Soda, probably. Do you enjoy watching vlogs? Depends on the person and what I feel up to watching. What is your favorite Halloween candy? Nothing really exclusive to the holiday. Where was your senior prom held? The local community college. What was the theme of your senior prom? Don't remember, actually. Do you know what you want the theme of your wedding to be? If so, what would it be? Sara babe can we do gothic please I'll marry you harder. Did you have low self-esteem growing up? No, it became an actual problem in high school. If you’ve ever had your hair highlighted, what color highlights did you get? Purple and red are the only highlights I've gotten, I think. What color Christmas lights do you like best on your tree? ALL THE COLORS. What do you put on top of your Christmas tree? We tend to alternate between a star and angel. How many proms did you go to? Two. How many boyfriends have you had in your life? Meh, answered this in enough surveys, so I'll just say only one was serious. How many girlfriends have you had in your life? One. Have you ever had a “friend crush” on someone? OH YEAH, I've learned that I have more than once. Think I like someone like that, then nope. Were you ever homeschooled? I was homebound at the end of 8th grade. At what age did you start puberty? Idk. I just know I was normal. Have you ever made a wreath? No. Who was your first roommate? My then-boyfriend, his friend, and his then-girlfriend. What color hair did your first crush have? Brown. Do you know how to change a tire? No. Have you ever passed out? Once, came very close on I think two or three other occasions. Do you prefer notepad or wordpad? Wordpad. Do you eat raw cookie dough? I will risk salmonella for that shit. How old is the last person you kissed? 20. Where does your best friend live? Illinois. How many people have you truly fallen IN love with? Two. Has anybody ever called you a tease? Oh boy. I fucking live off teasing. What about kinky? I was too much of a shy sub for him to ever see that side ha. Where was your mom born? Queens, NY. Have you ever seen your siblings naked? My two immediate sisters, anyway. What do people call you? Brittany, Britt, or Ozz, mostly. What are you doing this weekend? BITCH I'M GETTING MY MARK TATTOO. I made $365 + $20 sitting fee for the wedding shoot so guess what I'm treating myself to. Do you owe anyone money? Who? What for? My old college. Do you like people? Eh. Hard question for me to answer. I think I'm neutral towards the morality of humanity in general, but what's for sure is I don't trust the majority. Do you think you look better with a tan or without? Without. It's all I really know lmao. Would you ever share your most embarrassing moment in a YouTube video? That'd be flagged fast lmao. Regardless, n o p e. What’s your favorite hair color for girls? PASTEL COLORS!!!!! I like dyed hair on anyone okay. What color is your recliner? Don't have one. Do you wear makeup every day, or only on special occasions? Whenever I feel like it, regardless of occasion. What helps you take your mind off your problems? Talk to Sara, RP, watch YouTube... Does your first crush know you liked him/her? Definitely not. Did you ever think your house was haunted? I think my most recent might have been? But idk. Do you have any supernatural gifts or abilities? No. What does your trick-or-treat bag or bucket look like? N/A sadly. :c Do you celebrate Christmas? Yeah. What season would you want to have engagement photos taken in? As much as I hate the season, spring, with l o t s of flowers and sunshine!! You’re in line at Taco Bell, what’s your order? I only ever get a cheese quesadilla and fiesta potatoes. Has anyone ever taken your clothes off of you before? Yeah. Have you ever stayed up at night waiting for someone to call/text you back? Maybe? Have you ever touched a dead body? Dead pets, yes. I might've touched my old babysitter's face or something at her open-casket wake, idr. Have you ever had a real tea party? Or been to one? No. Just the make-believe ones Nicole would want to do as a kid with her Disney set. How do you feel when a mostly unheard of band (or tv show, movie, etc.) that you love suddenly starts to gain popularity? Happy for 'em! Just don't change your style for the sake of appeasing the masses. *coughmaroon5cough* When was the last time you listened to new music? Recently. Gotten into Spotify a bit. Do you think it is strange when a couple says “we are pregnant” rather than “I am pregnant” or “my girlfriend is pregnant”? No, I actually think it's sweet. You're in it together. What word spelled out looks weird to you? "Acquaintance." I can't spell it either; fucked it up first time. Do you require “closure” after things like break-ups or do you move on easily? I need closure. Is there a genre of movie that you just can’t watch? I'm not that into action. Have you ever been on a hot air balloon? No. What was the last seriously painful thing that happened to you? Getting my tragus re-pierced was actually pretty rough since apparently I have thick cartilage and it went through scar tissue. What’s the last rude thing someone said to you? Idk. What does your class ring look like? I didn't buy one. List ten careers you think you’d find interesting. Oh, jeez. Ten? Particularly interesting? I'll try: Paleontologist, biologist, cryptozoologist, zoologist, musician, YouTuber, dancer, taxidermist, snake morph breeder, and uhhhh. Idk. Do you know what you want to do with your life? Yeah. Do you believe in Judgment Day? No. What is the name of your YouTube channel? My current one is 0zzkat. What was the first social media site you joined? MySpace. Where would you most like to do a 24-hour challenge in? List five places. Bitch tbh I don't think I could do any alone lmao. But I'd probably find an old asylum scariest/most interesting. What’s your favorite part of Chinatown? Never been. What are some jobs people in your family have had? List five. Disney World employee, professional cake decorator, mammographer, special ed assistant teacher, and dance instructor. Which Power Ranger was your favorite? Wasn't into that. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? Whale sharks oof. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Buy me that Reese's Blast thing from Sonic and I'll be your slave for a day. Do you believe in aliens? I actually do by now. If you were ever sent to prison what crime would you have committed? I've legitimately worried about me killing someone in self-defense but it being ruled as murder or something. @_@ Do you have a picture of you kissing someone? Yeah. Do you have a favorite pillow you always sleep with? No. When was the last time you slept in someone else’s bed? When I was at Sara's. Out of all of your friends who have you gotten in the worst fight with? That I still associate with, Sara. We were lil shits. :'D Who was the last person to have to deal with you having an attitude? Mom. If you had $100 dollars, how would you spend it? Save it to get my laptop fixed. You were given the opportunity to get a new cellular device, what do you choose? Some older iPhone. I don't need something needlessly expensive, just one that isn't actual garbage. Which of your classes in school is most capable of killing a good mood for you? Math was. How nice of a person are you, honestly? Tbfh I think I'm typically too nice. I'm getting better at taking less b.s. now tho. Ever physically fought with member of the opposite sex? No. Ever kissed a friend’s crush? No. Do you swallow gum when you’re finished? Only if I really want it gone but I don't have access to a trashcan. Very rarely does that happen because I feel funny trying to swallow it. Ever had a best friend of the opposite sex? Well when I was dating Jason I considered him my best friend of course, but if you don't count s/os, no. Have you ever kissed in the snow? Probably. Is there someone that you believe you will always be attracted to? Yeah. Do you have something in your room that you never want to get ruined? I would legitimately break down if something happened to my shiny pebble from Holly Hill. I got it on my "graduation;" it symbolized how something beautiful came from harsh conditions or something like that. It was passed around by my teachers and "classmates" for each person to wish me well and just in general say all they wanted to about me while holding it. With how that place truly became my messiah, I couldn't lose that thing, ever. Have you ever made a difference in someone’s life? I'd think so. My parents especially, obviously. Next time you will kiss someone on the lips? OCTOBER 3RD APPROACHES. Do you think dances (prom, homecoming, etc.) are fun or lame? They're overrated. You pay a lot to look nice just to stand around with shit music blaring and being totally unable to hear each other. I truly don't know why I went to two. What was the last thing you tried for the first time? Ummm blue cheese? What was the last thing you learned? Oh jeez, this should be easy with the videos I've been binging lately. Nothing impressive. How often do you visit your relatives? Like, never ever. When was the last time someone admitted to having somewhat of an attraction to you? Sara. What was the last wedding you went to like? Any pictures you’d like to post? It was beautiful and intimate, and it was an absolute honor to be the photographer. I don't feel like fetching pictures, but they're on my photography site and FB page. Has anyone slapped you across the face before? If so, why? No. Do you prefer to have more or less in common with your significant other? More. Would you take a shot of heroin for a million dollars? No, not worth it. Why don’t you talk to your ex anymore? Aaron: Drifted apart. Juan: He's a reckless fool I didn't want to associate with, partly out of fear of his rep, too. Jason: He wanted nothing to do with me. He claimed it was for my own sake as he didn't want me to develop false hope, but who knows if that was the sole reason. Tyler: He was way too obsessive and wouldn't leave me alone. I still talk to Girt.

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