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transgenderteensurvivalguide · 6 months

Note

up until recently i ran a pretty popular radfem blog (stay with me, this ask is in good faith) but after i took a social media detox, i realized i don’t share those beliefs anymore and in fact i might be trans myself. i just kind of abandoned the blog, but i’d feel bad if i didn’t tell my followers what happened. i’m scared of telling anyone because i feel like i’d be a bad feminist if i transitioned. (i know, you can be trans and a feminist just fine, but that’s just the kind of thing radfems tell you.) even worse, i’m scared of posting about it on my main or radfem blog because radfems and trans people by and large hate each other (obv), and i’m scared to mention i’ve been in both groups because of the hate i’ll get

Lee says:

When I first started as a mod, I would have told you that you need to immediately post on all your blogs to disown the transphobic beliefs you had previously expressed to try to make up for the harm that you may have perpetrated as a radfem.

Now that I'm a little older, my feelings on the topic have shifted a bit. Before anything else, I think you need to slow down and make sure that you ensure your own safety and mental health.

If you believe that revealing this change to your followers could result in backlash online that would affect you emotionally, it's crucial to prepare by turning off anonymous asks and muting notifications from social media apps.

You should also make sure you have a non-online place to turn for support. If they used to be your community, you may feel like you've lost online friends, so make sure you don't become too isolated. Instead, lean on your IRL connections and seek support from trans-friendly people in your community.

You may even want to consider looking for a therapist-- questioning being trans can be difficult for anyone, and adding a layer of internalized transphobia doesn't help.

When you're ready to share your feelings on your blog, you should write a thoughtful post explaining your journey. You don't have to justify your identity; rather, focus on your personal growth, how your views have evolved, and how you came to understand yourself better. Acknowledge the complexity of the situation and that you're still learning.

These people were once your buddies and there's a chance you may be able to make some of them question their beliefs too if you don't lash out at them and trigger that instinctual defensive us-versus-them mindset, so I would try to keep a friendly tone even while noting that you no longer support them.

So thank your followers for their support and engagement over the years, but tell them you aren't comfortable staying part of their community now that you've realized that the beliefs underpinning the group are doing damage and you are trying to unlearn that type of thinking.

Gently challenge any misconceptions you once held or promoted. Clarify that being trans and feminist are not mutually exclusive and that everyone deserves respect and equality, regardless of their gender identity.

If you're comfortable, share resources that helped you on your journey. This could be educational materials, support groups, books you found helpful, or contact information for trans-supportive LGBTQ+ organizations. If there's anything you'd recommend to others who were once in the same place as you were on getting out, this is the time to share your advice.

Understand that reactions will likely be mixed. Some followers may feel confused, betrayed, or angry, while others might be supportive or even share their similar experiences. Remember, you're not responsible for their reactions and you don't need to respond to them if you don't want to argue and they aren't willing to have a respectful conversation.

Be clear about your boundaries. Let your followers know what kind of comments you're willing to engage with and that hate or harassment won't be tolerated. You can even stop engaging with the account altogether if you don't think you can deal with the hate that you may receive.

You don't have to post about this immediately. Again, it's okay to take as much time as you need to feel ready. It's okay to wait until you're in a safe and stable position before making any announcements.

If you do post about it and get hate, remind yourself that you're doing the right thing by letting go of that community, and that you're not only making the right choice for your own life in allowing yourself the freedom to explore your gender identity but you're also doing the right thing overall since you're now standing up for the trans community (late is better than never!) and no longer encouraging transphobic narratives.

If you feel that your current blog is no longer a space where you can express yourself authentically, consider starting a new blog or platform where you can write freely about your experiences and beliefs. Or just get offline altogether-- your digital detox is what started this, so maybe it's healthy for you to continue it for a while!

If you tell someone "I support trans folks" and they send you hate, that person is not your friend anyway. This is an opportunity to meet nice people who you can be yourself with. I would really encourage you to connect with IRL activists who are actually regularly volunteering and doing something concrete for their community if you have the opportunity.

When I was in high school, I volunteered at my local library's teen advisory board, and when I was in college I volunteered at a local hospital and through my college. This weekend I'm starting training for volunteering in-person for my town's emergency preparedness group which also does things like help to unload trucks for the food pantry, and I also volunteer remotely for two organizations online.

I'm really pushing for you to get out and volunteer (online or IRL) because I know one draw of the radfem community is feeling like you're an activist and that you're supporting women's rights and protecting and defending women. And it is important to support women's rights and protect and defend women! But there are other ways to do that beyond running a hateful blog attacking trans women.

I have a friend who works at an organization for survivors of domestic violence, for example, and she works with volunteers who help staff events, answer the hotline, etc. You can look around and see what local initiatives there are in your community and if you can't find the thing you're looking for you can start a group yourself or look online and join a national or state-wide cause that you care about, like pushing the legislature to support access to abortions.

Giving up the radfem community doesn't mean giving up feminism, and this is a good opportunity for you to take a look at your own time, your values, and think about how you can take this chance to start working to be a more effective feminist. Not everyone has to be an activist, but if you want to be one, think about how you can start doing good in a way that will actually affect people in a positive way.

I've also often been involved in doing events like conferences and workshops and panels IRL from my time in high school to the present day to try and educate folks on the community, but I also know that sometimes you need to take a step back and prioritize yourself. If you think you're not ready to jump into making change that's also okay. Just join something. A soccer team, a book club, anything hobby-related, to have something else to do and talk about and think about and stay tethered to feeling part of something.

Remember, it's okay to grow and change. You're not betraying anyone by being true to yourself. It's a courageous step to admit when your views have changed, and it's an integral part of personal growth. Be kind to yourself during this process.

Whether or not you end up identify as trans, you still will be doing the right thing by separating yourself from that community. I know it may be difficult because they were a place where you felt supported and part of a movement, but I really believe that you're taking steps in the right direction by letting go of that ideology and just living your life!

Followers, if you have any experiences unlearning toxic beliefs please reply with your advice for anon!

#Lee says #transphobia m

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callsignfate · 25 days

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Hi I have some ideas for Valeria ( if you need something 😆)

1. Movie night with a fem reader, we know Valeria is cold and heartless but for her girlfriend...she can be a total sweetheart. Reader finally convinced Valeria to watch a cartoons with her ( I love cartoons 🙈) so they take some snacks and go watch cartoons. Unfortunately reader fall asleep after an hour and that was a moment when Valeria realized how good and safe she feels with her girlfriend

2. Valeria had a stressful day (obviously 😅) when she finished her work only thing she wanted to do was to go to sleep. She went to her bedroom but she couldn't find her girlfriend (reader) so she went to find her. Reader was in the kitchen cooking something for both of them when Valeria found her. A lot of fluff ,maybe some sexual tension who knows 😆

I have a lot if ideas and your stories are always sooo good and I think it might be interesting 😆 I hope you like it

Thank you 🖤

Reader x Valeria

TW: Possible sexual content viewer discretion is advised

Okay so, Authors note, I had taken such a long time off of writing that I had to rewatch all of the Valeria scenes to make sure I wrote the character as closely as I could get. This didn’t take long but, yea. I also went and found a laptop with a great deal so I use it just for writing and can now write whenever I want instead of having to write only on my desktop that's having some minor issues right now. I would like to apologize again for the large wait in between posts as I have a lot of things going on with my mental and physical health. I kept trying to get back into writing but every time I would I’d end up sick, at the doctor's for some reason, or just not in the mood to write. I also have been getting into other shows and games so might expand the characters and fandoms I write for. This is the 2nd prompt btw I will work on editing the first prompt draft after I post this.

Lightly edited as I wanted to post something ASAP!

She ended up taking longer than even her normal long days, finding herself up to her eyes in work and calls that had to be done soon to move her products smoothly as some unforeseen hitches had ruined her previous plans with ease. Her office was now shrouded in dark other than the two lamps she had turned on absentmindedly. Her last call was the longest and most infuriating one as luck would have it, her foul words being muttered under her breath and she slammed her phone down and left the office she found stuffy and claustrophobic after sitting in it ceaselessly.

Valeria was a busy woman, of course, often keeping her empire running wasn't a small feat. Her days weren’t the standard eight hours as most were, after your busy schedule that kept you busy for eight to nine hours of the day. After work, you often waited around for her while relaxing and walking about the endless villa she called home.

Her mind was fuzzy with stress and exhaustion as the night before was restless and short, her morning with you being cut short had made the day already negative, only making her day longer and filled with her having an even shorter fuse. She yearned for sleep, to hold you in her arms while she listened to you ramble about the simple things that kept your mind busy and happy.

The trudging steps became lighter as she got closer to your shared bedroom where she half expected you to be in bed curled up either asleep or awake pouting and waiting for her with some small comment about how long you waited for her.

Instead, when she opened the door to get ready for bed you were gone, her eyebrows pinched together and furrowed in frustration. Her thoughts were filled with endless questions and fear? She scanned the room again to see the clothes she had seen you in when you had visited her office before were thrown into the hamper hanging off of the side of it messily. With a slightly agitated huff, she began opening doors down the hall in search of you, the bathrooms were cool and the mirror wasn't fogged up meaning you weren’t there, so she headed down the stairs before a sent of warm food led her to the kitchen, her eyebrows raised as she found you wearing an oversized sweater and short thin sleeping shorts that you usually wore to bed after she bought them for you on a particularly hot day a year or so ago.

“What are you doing?” She finally spoke with a slightly playfully mocking tone, making you jump while you leaned back and forth and mouthed the lyrics of the song you were listening to in your earbuds.

“I was making us something to eat, I tried to lay down but I got snacky and bored waiting.” You said after quelling your quickened heart and letting out a small breath.

“I had calls to make and the idiots on the other side weren’t listening.” She muttered with a small hint of frustration before she moved to stand behind you, her arms wrapping around you before they moved under your hoodie so slowly that your mouth slacked and goosebumps raised on your arms and the back of your neck.

“Let's eat and head to bed.” She hummed out in your ear with a small teasing and cocky laugh.

You offered a nod and plated the food before her hand slipped into your loose shorts making you lean forward onto the counter, your stomach tensing as a gasp escaped your lips.

The food, sat on the counter cold you realized as you watched her sleeping soundly, the subtle soft snore making your lips turn up into a small smile.

#valeria cod #mw2 valeria x reader #valeria garza x fem!reader #valeria garza x reader #valeria x reader #call of duty valeria #valeria garza #valeria garza x you #valeria garza cod

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k1ngdom-of-thieves · 1 year

Note

Hi, I was wondering if I could request a sort of spinoff to this post? https://www.tumblr.com/k1ngdom-of-thieves/696378827069423616/hi-hii-i-like-your-blog-so-may-i-please?source=share Same prompt, but with Azul, Cater, Kalim, Jade, and Jamil?

Sure! Thank you so much for being patient

Azul, Cater, Kalim, Jade and Jamil + resting their head on reader’s lap!

Azul Ashengrotto

Azul had been so busy organizing files and signing paperwork for the cafe, that he didn’t realize how late it was getting. It was only when you walked in to his office at midnight wondering what he had been doing this whole time.

He apologized for having you stay up for him and told you to sit on one of the couches so you could still be near him. Noticing the dark circles that formed under his eyes, you tried to get him to sit with you so he could rest a little.

The entrepreneur tries to deny and continue with his work, but you wouldn’t listen to it. Eventually, he gave in, seeing how you were so adamantly telling him to relax.

At first, it just started off as him leaning on your shoulder, but it soon led to him resting his head on your lap. Usually he would never do something like this, but he looks so serene and happy with you.

“Only you could make me do this in my own office. If Jade or Floyd saw this, I’d never hear the end of it.”

Cater Diamond

Cater was coming back from an incredibly long day of classes; three tests, a science lab, and the music club after school. Needless to say, he’s exhausted.

He comes straight to you after all of it and practically throws himself into your arms. Congrats. You’ve been officially caught in the famous “Cater Capture.”

After a while of you two standing around, you asked him if he wanted to sit down. He agreed and asked if he could put his head in your lap.

He lets you play with his hair as he rambles about his day and just talk about random thoughts he had. If you keep playing with his hair, he might end up falling asleep.

“Hey, keep that up and I might just fall asleep! I’m just kidding; you know I love ya, right?

Kalim Al Asim

Kalim is, without a doubt, a very upbeat guy. He is also someone who is very found of physical touch.

Him coming to rest his head on your lap is a fairly common occurrence compared to doing it with the other guys. It usually happens when it’s just you and him hanging out somewhere.

Once, you two were stargazing when he put his head in your lap and started talking to you about the little things that happened that day. Things like funny things he saw, gifts he would like to buy you, and anything else that came up in his mind.

Sometimes if he’s really bored, he’ll take some of his accessories (like his earrings and headscarf) and try to put them on you without getting up. It usually doesn’t look that great but hey, you’re having fun!

“Okay, I think I got it now! Oh, oh no. It’s slipping off again. How about you try putting it on me this time!”

Jade Leech

Jade isn’t the type of guy to just put his head in your lap on a whim. He will, however, do it gladly if you ask him to.

He’ll take you hand and put it on his cheek while you talk to him. If you get flustered, he’ll start chuckling while he waits for you to finish what you were saying.

He will keep a conversation with you like nothing had changed. He’s talking about daily events like his head isn’t delicately placed on your lap.

This guy won’t even get up if someone were to walk into the room. He will get up if he sees that you’re uncomfortable, though.

“Hmm? No, I haven’t seen Azul. I- oh? I noticed you looked flustered, I can get up now if you’d like. Alright, I’ll see you later then.”

Jamil Viper

Jamil putting his head in your lap is something that very rarely happens. Your gonna have to ask him when there’s no one around and at night. He’ll get flustered and say no otherwise.

There’s just something special with the calm look in his eyes when it’s just the two of you alone. The slight smile he has when you two crack jokes.

If you two are fairly close, he’ll let you mess with his hair a little. Just a little, though. His hair takes forever to de-tangle.

He’ll offer to let you rest on his lap as well, as a way to repay you. Whether you take him up on that offer is up to you.

“I never thought I’d be able to relax like this. Thank you for giving me this chance.”

#twisted wonderland imagines #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #twst imagines #twst azul #azul ashengrotto x reader #azul ashengrotto #cater diamond #twst cater #cater diamond x reader #twst kalim #kalim al asim x reader #kalim al asim #twst jade #jade leech #jade leech x reader #jamil viper x reader #twst jamil #jamil viper

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tsukimefuku · 2 months

Text

The morning after is still last night

After last night, you and Higuruma share a brief pillow talk.

Tags: Jujutsu Kaisen, mentions of sex, Higuruma x f!reader, this is fluff.

WC: 800

This is part of my "Jujutsu Partners Canon Divergence AU", a sequence of short stories and random drabbles for a Nanami x f!reader x Higuruma fanfic I'll eventually write (eventually). This is the sequence to "The man who played with fire", link here. To see the ever-growing list of one-shots, please visit my masterlist :)

Disclaimer: they’re NOT written and posted in chronological order of events. To see where this story fits in the timeline, please check the masterlist mentioned above.

Higuruma was awakened by the faint stream of light that bled through the curtains and projected onto his face delicately. He was coming to his senses slowly, and realized he was still naked under the bedsheets. Looking by his side, he saw you laying down with your back facing him. He smiled discreetly, realizing you had spent the night — Higuruma was unsure if you’d do so, given you were prone to avoidance, overall.

Examining your back solely with his eyes, he noticed a prominent scar right in the middle, over your spine. It was oval-shaped, and it extended in a straight line to the right side of your back, stopping abruptly. It seemed to have been done by a blade of some sort. Before he realized, his fingers were caressing over it, pulling you gently awake.

“Hey,” you cooed, rolling on your side to face him, “good morning.”

“Good morning.” Higuruma answered, gazing at you before putting his hand over your cheek. “It seems you slept here.”

You smiled at him, putting your hand over his. “I didn’t feel like going back home in the middle of the night.” You also wanted to spend some more time with Higuruma, but spared that detail. You were starting to feel somewhat guilty, like you had used him the night prior. No need to dig this deeper, you thought.

“I’m glad you stayed. I wish I had something to offer for breakfast, but I’m not the great domestic type of person. There isn’t anything in my fridge other than yesterday’s beer.” He answered, blatantly not embarrassed at all.

You chuckled lightly. “There might be an old lemon half. You never know, Higuruma.”

His expression became slightly saddened. “I know the sun is already out, but last night isn’t over until we’re out of bed.”

You dragged your body towards his, stopping a few inches apart, and looked him in the eyes. His gaze was lovely, and you were both nearly whispering, as if to keep the fragile little bubble of this moment intact. “Okay, Hiromi.”

Higuruma instantly smiled, and closed the gap between the two of you, planting a soft kiss on your forehead. “That’s more like it.”

You put your thumb on his chin and guided his face to look at you, sighing deeply. “I can’t stay. And I don’t think we should do this again.” You felt like you’d be only using him, even if you had a thing for Higuruma. You just failed to realize just how deep that “thing” was becoming.

He sighed back, because he realized you were doing that again. Fleeing to avoid touching on sensitive subjects. “I know you can’t stay, but I’d like to discuss that second part before you left.”

“What do you want to discuss?”

“I want to know why we shouldn’t have sex again.” He was a pretty straightforward and honest kind of guy, even if it meant saying the uncomfortable unsaid most of the time.

“Well, I feel like I’d be using you for self satisfaction, and I think you’re a friend I wouldn’t want to drive away by treating you like man candy.” You replied, earnestly.

“Then don’t.” He answered. “Treat me like man candy, I mean. Except if I ask for it.”

You chuckled and covered your face at his antics. “Hiromi, oh my God.”

“I mean it! We’re adults, and the lifespan of a jujutsu sorcerer isn’t that long from what I could tell, anyway. It doesn’t mean this will taint our friendship, as you pointed out, and we can always talk about it if things get strange in a bad way.” He negotiated with you. This was so much different from being lectured that you couldn’t help but feel glad to be sharing this moment with Higuruma.

You stayed quiet, studying his features as he awaited for a response, and your gaze wound up resting on his lips for a while, something he noticed. He approached you carefully, brushing his lips to yours, and it instantly made your heart race. You could hear each pump in the back of your ears, as you pressed your lips against his quickly, pulling apart before you both could get entangled together again for round two, after you explicitly told him you shouldn’t.

“Can I think about it?” You asked.

“Of course. But please, do think about it, and don’t just take time to stall on an answer.” Higuruma replied, ash colored eyes piercing through you.

“Oh, stalling to not give you an answer about something uncomfortable or compromising? That definitely doesn’t sound like me.” You answered, mockingly. You were aware of your intimacy issues.

He smiled and pressed his forehead against yours. “ I’m a lawyer, I’m quite familiar with buying time to avoid consequences.”

“Consequences, huh?” You asked, rolling to the opposite side of the bed. “Come on, Hiromi. Time to start the day.”

Defeated, he rolled on his back and stared at the ceiling, as your feet touched the cold morning floor.

#jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jjk fanfic #higuruma hiromi #hiromi x reader #higuruma angst #higuruma x reader #jjk imagines #jjk fluff

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b4b3tte · 9 months

Text

Jealous Hearts

Gosling!KenXReader

꒰ ⊹ ˚ Summary — Ken gets jealous when you and Barbie start spending a lot of time together

Pairing — Gosling!Ken x Reader

Contains of — Jealousy,insecurities,doubting,confrontation and good ending

My note : IM JUST KEN ANYWHERE ELSE I’D BE TEN. sorry 💀 but anyway enjoy also this is very short im sorry but I wanted to put something out there and ALSO REQUEST MORE KEN STUFF PLEASE 💙

Ken walks into the large bright Barbie dream house, only to find you and Barbie laughing and talking. His heart stank when he saw you laugh at Barbie’s jokes, the way your eyes sparkled when looking at her, he felt jealousy,envy for the very first time

He never thought you would look at anyone else that way, he thought he was the only one who made you laugh like that,made you giggle and smile that bright and loud, it made him question your guys relationship and was it really like how he thought it was?

He tried to brush off his feelings, reminding himself that you are free to be friends with anyone you chose to be with. But as the days passed, Ken found himself struggling to hide his emotions. Every time he saw you and barbie together, it felt like a punch to his heart slowly feeling replaced day by day.

Sitting alone in the dimly lit room, Ken pondered over his feelings. He realized that his jealousy stemmed from his fear of losing you to someone else. He had always believed that he was the one who made you smile the most, and now he wondered if he was genuinely being replaced by barbie.

Unable to bear the weight of his emotions any longer, Ken decided to confront you. He found you in your bedroom, arranging your collection of accessories. Taking a deep breath, he mustered the courage to speak.

"Y/n, can we talk?" Ken's voice wavered slightly, betraying his inner turmoil.

You turned around, your eyes filled with concern. "Of course, Ken. What's on your mind?"

The way you said his name made him all fuzzy inside, he always felt at peace, at warmth with you and he was realizing that the more you talk to Barbie, the more he is getting replaced which meant he wouldn’t be able to speak to you again, he wouldn’t be able to hear you talk to him and he didn’t want that

So deep in thought ken hesitated for a moment before pouring out his feelings. He admitted his jealousy and insecurity, explaining how it hurt to see you with barbie. He confessed that he feared being replaced in your heart. you listened attentively, your expression softening with each word. When Ken finished, there was a moment of silence before you spoke.

"Ken, I understand why you feel this way, but I want you to know that you're irreplaceable to me. You've always been there for me, and our connection is special. Barbie is a friend, and nothing more. You hold a special place in my heart, and that will never change."

Ken felt a weight lifted off his shoulders as he absorbed Your words. He realized that his fears had been unfounded, and he had let jealousy cloud his judgment. He apologized for doubting your bond and thanked you dearly for understanding.

From that day forward, Ken vowed to trust your guys relationship. He learned to appreciate the friendships you formed with others and understood that it didn't diminish what you guys shared. Together you guys continued to embark on adventures, your love and bond stronger than ever before.

BarbieLand became a place of love, laughter, and understanding, where jealousy was conquered by trust, and hearts grew even closer.

Thank you for reading!!! Likes,comments,reblogs mean the world and I appreciate all of them!! I hope you enjoyed and if you want to be tagged in my next ken post, please dm or comment!! Request box is open so don’t be shy or scared I’ll write it SFW or NSFW <3

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carawenfiction · 11 months

Note

Will we have an update soon?

Tumblr won't let me make normal posts for some reason, so the update will have to be in form of an answer to this ask smh. Anyway:

Hey everyone!

This post is long overdue, I know. I’m really sorry to those who have been worried about my wellbeing, as well as those who have been waiting around for an update for so long.

I’ve put off writing here because this “update” is something I’ve been wrestling with for a long time. But I can’t keep going back and forth on it forever, which is why I’m now letting you all know that the Shadow Society is officially discontinued.

I know that this might not come as much of a surprise to anyone at this point. I’ve tried to salvage the story by remaking it into something I’m happy with through a rewrite. But I’ve rewritten the rewrite itself more than once, and no matter what I do, I’m just not happy with the result. Rewriting something that’s already published with all the coding it involves is a lot more tricky than I initially thought it would be.

This is not a case of me being needlessly harsh on myself, however; it’s simply a truth I’ve come to realize after struggling to find a way to keep going with the story. I’ll never be fully content with it, or even content enough, unless I’d be able to completely remake and rewrite everything from scratch – and consequentially, I will never find enough motivation to continue because of how unhappy I am with it.

I’ve seen some speculation about my reason for rewriting the story and my long absence, and that they’ve had to do with comparisons to other IFs (well, you know which one). This isn’t entirely the case. While the comparisons did happen and probably still do, and while they were discouraging in the beginning, I can definitely understand where people have been coming from when making them. I talked about this more in-depth in the forums right after the release of TSS.

The main reason for why I can’t continue is that it’s not a series I feel passionate enough about to work on. My tastes have changed, and so has my writing to some degree. I’ve tried to convince myself that I am passionate about it. It’s hard to admit that you’re not when it’s been in your head for so long, when you’ve tried for so long to make this work and when you know that one part is published and that some people are anticipating a continuation. But it had to be done sooner or later.

Other reasons:

-While I don’t think that my writing style has changed drastically, I feel like it is somewhat different from how I wrote back in 2018 (which is a GOOD thing). Whenever I tried working on the rewrite or second book and attempted to emulate the writing of TSS, it just didn’t sound right anymore, and that took a lot of fun out of it.

-With everything that has happened with CoG over the past few years, they are no longer a company I want to write for.

Please know that none of this has discouraged me from writing in general. I still love doing it. If anything, this has taught me a lot about what I actually want to write and the writing process in general. Whether I end up publishing anything else in the future or will simply do so for my own enjoyment we’ll just have to see, though.

I still have the idea of a shadow-like world in my head, and maybe it’s one I will revisit at some point. Maybe there will be another version of TSS someday, albeit very different from the original one.

But for now, I can only thank you all for the overwhelming love and support over the years, and apologize for any disappointment this has caused. If people are interested, I’d be happy to share parts of the rewrite and unused ideas. The Tumblr page will still stay up at least for some time, but I will probably not be answering any asks from here on out.

EDIT: Forgot to add, but if anyone wants a genuinely amazing IF read you should check out my friend's wip here: https://uroboros-if.tumblr.com/ ❤️ Play the demo here: https://mistyriousness.itch.io/uroboros

#the shadow society #tss #carawenfiction #interactive fiction

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nickfowlerrr · 1 year

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waiting

pairing: dark!andy barber x curvy!reader

warnings: 18+ only. angst angst angst. mommy issues. mentions of pregnancy. allusion to thoughts of abortion (this blog is firmly pro choice btw). self loathing. everyone is just really mean to poor reader. ☹️. oh and a mention or two of mr. ransom drysale 😶 if i’m missing something important pls feel free to let me know.

words: 5.3k

notes: i’ve had this fic in my wips since july and finished since the beginning of this month, i just never posted it lol but i’m so excited to share it finally. this definitely isn’t for everyone and really was just an indulgent write but if you do read this, i hope you enjoy the angst. comments and reblogs are more than welcome and appreciated. i’d love to hear what you think. thank you for reading 🖤

The flickering light in the nearly empty emergency room was unsettling. Your mind was taunting you as you sat in the waiting area, the chair beneath you growing harder and more uncomfortable with each passing minute.

You had jinxed yourself.

Cursing your fate mere hours ago and dwelling on how horribly things were going lately, thinking it couldn’t possibly get any worse.. Of course, it could.

In all honesty, you didn’t really know why you were here. Maybe just as an excuse to try and avoid the inevitable.

Maybe it was some sick sense of guilt hanging over you..

A part of you now desperate to remember the sense of comfort you could find in her - even if only for a few moments. As hard as you’ve tried these last 24 hours, you just couldn’t seem to remember what it felt like. You started to wonder if there was really anything to remember at all. But there had to be, right? She was your mother. There had to be. And then your phone rang. You didn’t let yourself think before you told whoever was on the other end that you would be there soon. You just called an Uber and went right down. Now here you were.

Whatever it was that drove you here - fear, guilt, obligation, a need for reassurance - that maybe this all wouldn’t be so bad, it brought you to this moment. Waiting with baited breath for your name to be called, for someone to escort you to her room, to finally see the damage she had done with her refusal to help herself. You felt bad, though you knew you shouldn’t. The damage she had done to you could be seen every time you looked in the mirror.

Stare too long at your reflection and you're lost again to the darkness that has managed to follow you all your life. You felt hollow a lot of the time, but the more apt word would be numb. Because you weren’t hollow by any means. No, you were full to the brim with hurt and anger and despair. You didn’t like feeling that. So numbness was better.

Just try to forget. Don’t let your mind sit in silence for too long. It was prone to wandering. And so were you. Maybe that’s why you were in the position you were now. You could never let yourself be content. Always searching, always reaching for something more. Something that could finally make you feel. Force you to feel. You just didn’t realize that it would lead you to him. That anyone could ever make you feel as much as he did. That you could ever feel like this.

The flickering of the light was bad, but the seemingly deafening silence was worse.

Until it wasn’t.

The entrance door slid open and you vaguely heard the footfall of whoever had just entered approaching behind you while the chilling breeze from outside came rushing in with them.

The shadow loomed over you and you didn’t need to turn around to know who it was. The creaking of the old chair as he sat directly behind you was irksome, as was his unwanted presence. Maybe if you just pretended he wasn’t there, you wouldn’t have to deal with him right now. Maybe he’d just go away for tonight. Maybe he’d be kind enough to leave you alone.

You could have scoffed out loud at yourself.

Kindness wasn’t really his thing. Not lately. And if you’d learned anything these past six months it was that the times you most wished he’d leave you be, were the times he was sure not to.

Waiting for him to move or speak or to do something, anything at all, was even more frustrating and did nothing to help settle the anxiety that was already turning your stomach. You couldn’t take the silence a moment longer. You spoke with your back to him.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’ve been calling you all night,” he responded without answering your question. You could hear the edge in his tone and it only served to piss you off. He had the audacity to be upset when he knew what was going on. You weren’t stupid enough to just not show up when he expected you at his place, you texted him and told him where you’d be and why. It wasn’t like you were hiding from him. At least not in a way he could prove.

“Yeah, well, I've been a little preoccupied.” you said harshly. Biting your lip as you instantly regretted your tone. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but you couldn’t deal with the repercussions you’d get for it from him right now. You were already on the verge of breaking completely.

“Sweetheart,” he leaned forward in his chair as he spoke, voice hard, getting even closer to you as if his presence wasn’t already all together suffocating.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered. “I’m sorry, I just- I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. I’ve been waiting since I texted you. They won’t let me back there.”

Truthfully, you were more upset about the news you’d gotten yesterday than you were about the wait - you weren’t even really sure you wanted to go back there. Their ignorance of you was more helpful than you were sure they realized. You couldn't be accused of not showing up, it’s not like it was your fault they never got to you. You were still there.

You didn’t speak that aloud though, and he wouldn’t have given you any time to if you’d wanted.

He clicked his tongue and got up without saying a word and walked to the receptionist. You watched as they spoke, his charm shining through as the young woman was in complete admiration at the man before her. If only she knew the real him. If only anyone knew what he was really like. But no. He saved his true self for you and you alone.

The shrill laughter of the woman pierced your ears as Andy smiled, charming oozing off of him. You were reminded of the first time you met him. How easily you had fallen for his act, much the same way. Laughing shyly at his compliments and smiling softly at that same smirk you now dread. The one that haunts your dreams at night after he finally grants you some peace. He’d taken over everything. Every aspect of your life. All of you.

He didn’t care. Not really. Not about the situation. Not even truly about you. He could pretend all he liked, but you knew the truth, whether he accepted it or not.

He didn’t care, he just wanted people to believe he did. That’s what it felt like. And damn did they believe. You had, too. Until you got too close. Finally saw him drop the facade.

Sometimes you could convince yourself it was better this way. To really know him, to know the truth. It helped you not feel so much like a fool anymore. And the way you saw people react to him, falling for every kind smile and caring word, that helped too. You couldn’t blame yourself, he was just so damn good at hiding it.

The woman behind the desk pressed a button and the door leading further into the hospital buzzed open. Andy smiled at her again, giving her a soft ‘thank you’.

He stood at the door, looking at you while holding it open, waiting for you to get up. You stared blankly a moment, your body not wanting to move. This was stupid. Seeing her wouldn’t change anything. It’d do no good for either of you. In fact, it’d probably just send you spiraling even further. You never should have come here in the first place. Never should have answered the phone to begin with. You had bigger problems to worry about. This was too much. It was all too much. Maybe you could visit her after she got home, but you couldn’t do this, especially not right now. Your heart was starting to race and you felt like you couldn’t breathe. You opened your mouth slightly, wanting to speak but no words would come out. You vaguely heard Andy call your name, but didn’t respond to it, not until he loudly cleared his throat and broke through your trance. You looked at him immediately, his annoyance clear in what used to be such kind eyes. You couldn’t find the softness or warmth you did before. Only harsh blue staring a hole through you. You forced your body to move, albeit slowly, standing up and walking toward him. When you were close enough and he was sure no one was watching, he gripped your arm tight and pulled you through the threshold of the door. You stumbled forward, gasping slightly, and tried to pull your arm away, grimacing as his grip was too tight. You looked up at him, pleading without words, eyes begging him to relent. Instead of just letting go of you, he threw your arm away from him and out of his hold. Another needless aggression.

“Stop acting so goddamn catatonic,” he snarled.

“I shouldn’t have come here,” you murmured. “I can’t do this,” you breathed as you tried to move past him, back through the door you’d just entered through.

“Now you want to leave? The second I get you back here? You’re that fucking stubborn. You won’t let me do any nice thing for you, you just like when I’m mean to you, is that it?”

“Andy, please,” you tried to calm him. “It’s not you, I just, I can’t do this, okay. I can’t see her. Please. Let’s just go, I’ll go with you, alright? Wherever you wanted to go tonight, let’s go,” you pleaded. You really couldn’t fathom having to face her. Now that you were so close, you just couldn’t do it. Hell, you were begging the man you’d been trying to keep away from to take you anywhere else, you were that desperate to avoid this reunion.

Your head was down now, staring at his solid chest as he continued to keep you blocked from the door. You felt his hand come up, moving some of your hair out of your face. His touch, deceptively gentle. He moved to tilt your chin up, forcing you to meet his eyes.

“You are leaving with me, you already know that. But we’re not going anywhere until I say we are. You’re gonna be a big girl,” he said, voice dripping with condescension as he gripped your chin painfully, “and do what you came here to do. You can’t run from your fears forever.”

You felt tears welling in your eyes but you fought them back with everything you had.

I hate you I hate you I hate you.

That was all that was running through your head as you blinked away the tears threatening to spill. He didn’t deserve your tears. Neither of them did.

You backed away, lips in a tight line and eyes hard.

A nurse was passing by as you did and Andy was quick to put on a show.

He grabbed your hand gently and it took everything in you not to rip it away. He pulled you back closer and wrapped his arms around you, burying your face in his chest. “It’s alright, sweetheart. Everything’s gonna be okay,” he spoke softly. You couldn’t see his face, so you didn’t know for sure, but you would have bet money he smiled at the nurse as they passed by. Another phony display of comfort.

You weren’t even sure he realized why he was doing it, or how hollow of a gesture it was. You wondered if he really was that deluded that he could think this was a sincere intimate moment between the two of you. His heavy hand was rubbing your back in an attempt to be soothing, and seemed to confirm your thoughts. He turned you in his hold, your back to his chest as he ushered you in the direction of the room number he had been given.

Your feet were only moving because he was pushing you forward. You didn’t know what room you were going to, but when Andy stopped in front of a cracked door, you figured that must be it. You swallowed hard, turning to face him again. Having to see her on your own was enough to leave you feeling sick, but with the news you got yesterday still weighing on you and Andy hovering so close, you felt nearly immobile. The more you thought about what was about to happen, the more anxious you got. You started to think about the last time you’d had to introduce your mother to the person you were seeing. It went horribly, even he agreed. And Ransom had a pretty low bar set for family as it was. Not that he had any room to judge.. Thinking about him and everything that had gone down those few years ago gave you chills even now. How the hell did you constantly end up in these convoluted, fucked up relationships. You worried it said more about you than it did any of them.

“You, you can’t go in,” you said, shaking your head as you avoided eye contact. “She’ll…it’ll be a whole thing,” you tried to explain.

“She doesn’t know about me?” he sniffed.

“I haven’t seen her in over a year,”

“You don’t call?” You cringed at his tone. Accusatory, like he always was, already putting the blame for the rift you had with your mother on you without knowing any of the details. You swallowed the renewed lump forming in your throat and took a stabilizing breath before you responded.

“It’s been a while,” you choked, your voice thick and throat tight.

“Well I can introduce myself just fine,”

You moved to block him from entering the door, earning a stern glare in response.

“I’m only going to say this once,” he seethed. “Move.”

“Let me just talk to her first,” you refused.

His jaw ticked as he stared down at you, eyes narrowed. He huffed, agitated. You thought for a second he was going to listen, but you should have known better. He took a step closer, bending down and grabbing your face in his large hands.

“You’re gonna remember this exact moment later tonight. And you’re gonna regret it.”

His voice was calm, his eyes sure - and you believed him. Your shoulders sagged as you deflated. You weren’t gonna win this one. He brushed past you and entered the room with a knock on the door as he pushed it open. His previous irritation was quickly replaced by his mask of goodheartedness.

You heard her before you saw her, the lilt of her voice paralyzing you.

Suddenly you were a kid all over again, teary eyed and broken hearted at the words that spilled from her lips as she held up clothes to you in the department store, vicious in meaning but so gentle in her delivery. If you didn’t pay attention to the words, you could convince yourself she was reassuring you instead of tearing you apart. That’s what it looked like to passersby, you were sure. The unadulterated spite and barely concealed hatred was saved for you behind closed doors. Living under her roof was your own personal hell and once you got out from under her thumb, you refused to settle back down anywhere. Never believing you were secure, wanted. You just kept searching for what you were longing for, never accepting when you’d found it, or just too scared to stay. Always wandering to the next. You couldn't stay too long or they'd grow to despise you, too.

Who would have thought you'd find yourself trapped again after all these years, all the time you spent desperate to avoid it. It was almost comical. It had to be cosmic. It was like you ran right into him. You wanted to know what you had done in your past life to have cursed yourself to such a fate in this one. How did they keep finding you and what had you done to deserve it? Another devil holding you down. You should have seen it coming. Maybe you did. Maybe it just felt so familiar, the only love you knew as a kid. Anything else you'd received felt like a joke, like you didn't deserve it. Or maybe it was even simpler than that. Maybe you were just tired of trying to outrun fate.

The people you found yourself closest to were always the wolves in sheep’s clothing. Seeming so gentle and loving from the outside, but ready to tear you apart the second they get you alone. Exposed. Vulnerable.

Maybe you did deserve this. The second you started to believe things were finally going right for you, that maybe you could finally be happy, that seeming reality was shattered for you by the very hands you thought were helping put you back together after spending so much of your life feeling absolutely broken.

You didn’t really hear the words they were exchanging as you walked into the room after a moment, taking a heavy breath. When you finally focused in, you heard the end of their brief introductions.

“There’s my daughter,” she announced as you approached. “Look at you,” she intoned, looking you up and down before landing on your face. “You’re all done up. Got all your makeup on.”

You crossed your arms in front of your chest uncomfortably as you took a breath, looking away from her. You could hear the judgment clear as day laced in her words.

“It looks pretty,” she tried to compliment when you looked to her, face solemn. “I wish I could do my makeup like that,” she said smiling.

“Thanks, mom,” you replied, taking a step further into the room. You could feel Andy’s gaze on you, watching you intently, waiting for you to make your way to him, you were sure. “...How are you?”

You felt stupid for even asking, but you didn’t really know what else to say.

“Oh, ya know,” she tried to play off. “I’m fine, honey, I’m fine,” she assured you when you looked at her with a slightly raised brow. She took a breath. “I haven’t seen you in over a year. Haven’t heard from you nearly at all, either, I’ve missed you.”

“Yeah. Sorry,” you said, feeling guilty.

“Hey, that’s life, though. Gets hard. Trust me, I know,” she said before she considered you a moment. With just the tilt of her head you knew she was about to say something provocative. “You look so different…. A lot can change in over a year, though, right?” she continued, looking over to Andy deliberately.

“Uhm. Mom, this is Andy Barber. Andy, my mother,” you introduced them only out of obligation. Manners were important to both of them. Something else they had in common.

“So he told me,” she smiled. “I’m assuming you’re… dating?” You swallowed hard as you looked at her before looking to Andy.

“Six months now,” he responded for you, walking to where you were still standing, smiling softly as he put his arm around you. It was deceptively sweet, comforting. You almost wanted to let yourself relax into him, use him as a shield against the vitrole you knew would be coming eventually.

“Six months? Wow. That must be a record for you, right?” she baited you with a laugh. You didn’t respond, just looked down to the one teal tile on the floor amongst the sea of white. You could feel her eyes on you before she realized she wouldn’t be getting a response, turning her attention to Andy instead.

“So, what do you do for work?” she prodded.

“I’m an assistant DA,” he answered her.

“A lawyer?” your mother said, shocked evident in her voice as she looked at you. “Well, better make sure this one lasts,'' she told you. “And if it does last, you’d better get a prenup,” she laughed again as she nodded to Andy.

You stiffened as Andy did beside you and bit your cheek, eyes narrowed and brows furrowed. She noticed your face and her scoff made your stomach turn. You looked up to see her rolling her eyes as she looked away like she was exhausted by you already. “You just always have to have an attitude don’t you?” she said almost under her breath, frustrated. “Why are you so sensitive? You’re an adult. Stop taking things so personally. Lighten up, grow some skin. I’m trying to have a conversation and it's like everything I say you have an issue with.

God, y/n, ya know, why are you even here? To make me feel worse? Remind me how much of a fuck up mother I am?” You knew it was coming. It always did. And yet you were still jostled by her flip. You felt Andy’s hand squeeze your waist as you unconsciously backed further into him, pressing closer to his side like a frightened puppy trying to hide yourself.

“Mom, I didn’t say anyt-”

“Why are you here?” she enunciated each word loudly, interrupting and talking over you.

“They called when they brought you in. I’m your emergency contact, remember?”

“Remember? Don’t talk to me like I’m senile.” she nearly sneered.

You bite your tongue and cursed yourself for feeling tears well up already.

“Yeah, that’s great. Bring out the waterworks. Put on a show, make me the bad guy. It’s always me, right? It’s always my fault,” she continued. “What do you have to cry for? I’m the one who was abandoned by you. You show up after over a year of rejecting my calls and one word text responses, what to make yourself feel better? Where were you when I needed you, huh?” she questioned, words like knives in your heart. You felt so small under her angry gaze. You felt like the worst person in the world. You felt like a child. A weak, scared, sorry child.

“Andy was it?” she asked, pulling her eyes from you as she turned them to Andy.

“Mr. Barber is fine,” he corrected, voice hard and defensive.

“Well, Mr. Barber,” she mimicked, “I’m sorry you have to see this, but let me just warn you. If I know my daughter, I know she's not much for sticking around. She’ll run as soon as she gets the chance. She’s like her father that way. The second she gets tired of you. The second you can’t offer her anything anymore,” the bitterness was dripping from her every word, “she’ll be gone.”

You gulped down the lump in your throat and squeezed your own hand to try and keep yourself calm.

“If you don’t believe me, just ask her ex. He’ll tell you the same thing,” she said.

“What are you talking about?” you said dumbfounded and exasperated.

“What do you think I’m talking about? Ransom,” she said as if it was obvious. The mention of his name had you frozen. “The second you found out he was written out of that will, you left him like it was nothing.”

“Are you serious? You’re gonna bring that up right now? He went to prison for murder, mom!” you raged. “And you know what, my relationships are none of your business,” you seethed.

“You slept with him for his money, you and I both know it. Just because it turned into something more after doesn’t change the way it started.”

“That’s not true,” you whispered angrily.

“I don’t believe you,” she told you, voice eerily level as tears renewed in your eyes.

“What is wrong with you?” you asked, voice breaking as Andy pulled you behind him.

“That’s enough. It’s clear this was a bad idea,” he stated, making you want to scream. As if you hadn’t told him as much before he forced you in here. You turned to the side as you held your head in your hands, trying to regain your composure.

“Oh my god,” your mother breathed as she took in your side profile for the first time. Her voice was full of worry and your head shot over to her immediately in response to your name being spoken in near reprimand. “Are...are you pregnant?” she asked out of nowhere.

“What?” you breathed.

“Your stomach looks bigger. Like there’s a bump there. It’s been a year but I know what you look like when you put on weight,” she started, eyes locked on your tummy. “And I know what baby weight looks like.. Yo-you’re pregnant aren’t you?” she asked again. She sounded..scared.

You were looking at her, confounded as Andy turned to you, looking much the same. He eyed you up and down before you felt his gaze settle on your stomach. Your hands came up to your lower belly self consciously.. Or maybe it was protectively.

You didn’t know how she knew. You’d only just found out yourself. You didn’t think you were showing noticeably in the slightest. Your periods were always irregular. Skipping cycles wasn’t anything you would think twice about. You were on the pill. You thought maybe you were just more bloated lately. Gaining weight wasn’t anything new for you, either. You didn’t piece any of it together right away. You had no reason to. You were protected. Or so you thought. And you had zero plans of informing Andy of the news. Not yet. You were still trying to process it. You couldn’t be a mother. You couldn’t become your mother. But what were you supposed to do? You could deny it easily enough, put the conversation off, but you knew Andy wouldn’t let it go. He’d want a test to know for sure either way. He’d find out the truth. You were planning to make your appointment next week to find out how far along you were. See if you had any options left.

“Are you pregnant?” Andy asked softly, walking closer to you.

Your mouth was dry. You didn’t want to answer him, but you knew you’d have to. You licked your lips before you spoke.

“I don’t- I- I think.. maybe,” you breathed, words fumbling while you were avoiding eye contact with both of them.

Your attention was caught by your mother lamenting your nickname, pained and sorrowful. “Don’t do this to yourself,” she pleaded. “You’re so young, you’re not ready to be a mother. You-”

“All due respect,” Andy snapped, “- which is near none,” he added, sneering as he turned on your mother while you watched in sudden shock, mouth slightly agape while your mind spun, “you have absolutely no say here. In fact, it’s none of your business. This is a private matter between your daughter and I - no one else. But if you really want to worry about anyone’s ability to mother, I’d focus on yourself first. You’ve done a real bang up job so far,” he said sarcastically.

“Andy,” you reproached, walking quietly to him, wanting to calm things before they got worse.

“We’re leaving,” he said to you while sending daggers to your mother who looked at you with tears in her eyes, “You never should have come here.”

You looked at your mom, discontent clear on your face.

“Honey, I’m so sorry,” she said, voice cracking. You had to look away before your own tears started to fall, lip wobbling. You weren’t sure what she was apologizing for, but it was the first time you ever heard her say those words sincerely. And it broke your heart. Andy grabbed your hand in his as he pulled you to the door and out of the room. The second you were past the door, you immediately broke down in tears. Everything hitting you all at once. Suddenly you were gasping for air as you felt like your legs were about to give out beneath you. Andy’s arms wrapped around you, turning you to pull you into his chest, his strength keeping you up as you leaned fully into him. One hand was holding your head while the other was wrapped around you, rubbing your back as you cried. He placed a kiss atop your head while he hushed you quietly, both of you standing in the empty hospital hallway.

You caught your breath after a minute and let yourself believe he was holding you so gently because he really cared. Because he was sorry for not listening to you. Because he wanted you to feel better, to comfort you. Whether it was true or not, it helped. Slowly you pulled away from him, and his hand came up to brush the tears off your puffy cheeks.

“How far along are you?”

“I really don’t know,” you said honestly. “If I had to guess, at least ten weeks,”

“How long have you known?” he asked quietly, thumb still stroking your cheek.

You looked at him doe eyed, lips set in a small pout. You opened your mouth to speak before he cut you off,

“I’m gonna tell you right now, don’t lie to me,” he warned, an ocean storm brewing in his normally brilliant blue eyes as he forced you to look him in the eye.

“Since yesterday,” you murmured. “I swear.”

He nodded slightly then took you by surprise, pulling you closer for a slow and deep kiss. Your brows were furrowed as he pulled away to allow you both a breath.

“You should have told me right when you found out,” he reproached.

“I’m sorry,” you breathed. “I was still trying to wrap my head around it. I wasn’t sure how you’d react. I don’t know how this even happened,” you confessed. But Andy knew.

He’d been switching out your birth control for nearly four months now and had long since stopped wearing condoms with you, though that you were aware of. He didn’t think it was important to tell you about the swap he’d made with your pills, so he decided to keep that to himself. No need to get you worked up again. Especially now that he knew you finally were pregnant. He’d have to figure out a way to keep you as stress free as possible. Keeping you home would be easy enough, he basically had you living with him already, but he’d have to make that change slowly, you would surely resist his attempts to keep you at home if he made it too obvious.

He found your mother’s warning funny, though. As if you’d ever be able to run from him. You’d tried, but he was always two steps ahead. You didn’t go anywhere without him knowing, whether you knew that or not. You were his now. You had been since the day he first laid eyes on you. You weren’t going anywhere. As he thought about the changes he’d have to make now that you were pregnant, he remembered the punishment he’d given you a few nights ago. It reminded him you had another one coming tonight, too. He’d have to go about them differently now, though. As much as he loved discipling you, his tactics would have to change, he’d need to be even more careful with you. And more lenient, he realized. He loved your responses to spankings, but he was looking forward to changing your punishments up with edging or overstimulation now instead. Either way, he was sure to make you cry. Make sure you’d learn your lessons. And he’d get started tonight. You brought out the darkness in him, but you brought the softness out, too. He wanted to remind you how good things could be. There was just one more thing bugging him at the moment that he’d have to let out.

“Come on,” he instructed. “I parked in the garage.”

You walked with him to the entrance before he led the way to his car.

He opened the door for you and helped you in before he went around and got in himself. He sighed heavily as you sat in silence for a moment before he turned to you.

“Who the fuck is Ransom?”

648 notes · View notes

chrissy-kaos · 4 months

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Hey!!

I just wanted to tell you I think it’s so cool how you continue to play hockey even if it’s a beer league! I mean I don’t know what good adult leagues there are when you’re older really 😅

I miss playing hockey so much and I always just figured it would be impossible to get taken seriously by judgmental fucks. I love that you make history even though you’re just yourself. I do sort of despise some of the things I’ve heard in the locker room too tbh.

It’s so amazing to see you gear up and get sweaty. It makes me some how feel seen too and I feel like I need to just figure it out lol. I know your kicking ass out there (cus I saw u posted ur stats) lol 💜 hope you have a good rest of your weekend 💜

Thank you! Yea posting about me playing wasn’t something i was really going to do. But everyone here seems to love that content and they continue to ask for it. So I’m going to keep posting it. I don’t think I’m anything special or making history. I’m just a girl that wants to play hockey. That’s it. If I inspire others to play than that’s awesome! Because hockey is amazing and growing the game is important! With that said I’m going to share a bit of a story with you. So bear with me.. I tend to over share 😅

Hockey is something I’ll never give up. For a long time my life centered around it. I’m fortunate enough to live in a town that’s had multiple pro teams and a great hockey community. I used to coach/play for one of the teams before my transition. When I was debating if I was going to transition or not hockey played a part in it for sure. I didn’t want to never play again. But I was scared that people wouldn’t accept me and all that. I felt like majority of the community liked me and enjoyed my coaching. But you never actually know how someone feels about it, ya know.

When I finally made my decision I was coaching full time and I decided to step away from hockey not necessarily for good but until I was comfortable with myself. So I resigned and hung my skates up. Then started my transition. It was a little after two years into my transition when I decided to step on the ice again. I had played some roller with a few friends and messed around stick handling in the house but I never went back to the rink.

(I actually find this hilarious 😂.) I seen they had a skate and shot and decided I’d go to it. Not skating for two years I needed to get my legs back anyway. So I show up to the rink. It’s still all the same people that worked there when I did. I walked up to the counter to pay and my friend Josh was working and said “hi ma’am, here for stick time?.” He had no idea I started to transition. I said “hi, Josh.” He looked at me like I was crazy and asked if he knew me. I gave him the money and said “you might” then walked away. He stopped me to tell me where the women’s locker room is. I smiled and said thank you.

I skated like crap. To be expected tho. After the time was up I headed to the locker’s. Josh stopped me and asked how I knew him. So I told him who I was and it blew his mind 😂. He congratulated me and said he had no idea. He told me he was thinking to himself damn this girl is good(I actually suck lol). He was like who the fuck is she?. He thought I was one of the college players. Our local college and pro team share the rink together. Anyway he was completely blown away. The interaction was great and positive. He was very supportive. After that I started coming once a week and more people realized who I was.

Everyone was extremely supportive and accepting. They use my chosen name and pronouns. Even offered me a coaching position again. I declined for reasons. But the hockey community in general is amazing. I felt comfortable enough to hop in our league. It’s our house A league so all the best players current pros, ex pros and d1-3 guys. It’s extremely competitive. I’m still the only girl ☠️ lol

Now I can’t speak for any other community but at no point in time have I been treated bad or different. I’m given the same respect as everyone else. Do guys talk in the lockers probably but they are nothing but respectful and courteous to me. If you want to get out and play don’t let anyone stop you.

Hockey is for everyone and you deserve to play too! Just go for it! You never know unless you try. Hockey has one of the best lgbtqiia+ communities in all of sports. There are teams like @teamtrans-icehockey where you can play with people like us who understand the difficulties of being trans/nb/queer in sports. I’ve played with teams trans a few times and they are an incredible group of people! I highly recommend checking them out!

(I took this pic the on the way to the rink that first time back. Don’t mind the filter and how pudgy I am 🫣)

#hockey is for everyone #ice hockey #hockey #hockey girl #trans hockey player #trans hockey #teamtrans-icehockey #transgender #trans #transisbeautiful #mtf hrt #trans pride #ask #ask ask ask #ask me questions #long post

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sun-stricken · 3 months

Note

Headcannoms about friendship between Bickslow and Gray? I like to think after the fighting festival he really tries to make it up to Gray.

Gray: ‘we’re chill. It’s fine.’

Bickslow: ‘my babies will now perform a dance of apology’

Also a scenario I’d like to share!

Lucy: hey, Gray I picked up your mail. Why do you have a letter from a modelling agency?

Gray: oh that. I don’t know they just keep sending me them even though I’ve told them no.

Lucy: you’ve turned them down repeatedly?! *while crying inside*

Gray: yeah? It’s weird ‘cause I didn’t even apply.

Lucy: Lucy kick!

i for some reason hadn’t considered the idea of them having a close friendship, but i am now so here! a gift !

i had so much fun with this

* my personal hc is that Bickslows dolls feel a lot of what he himself feels, and also theyre kinda like birds

* so they too try to make it up to Gray, they bring him little things they find, such as shiny rocks, pins, and other tiny objects they find

* Bickslow just nods in approval from the sidelines when they bring them to Gray

* They were both fairly awkward with each other post festival but after Bickslow gave Gray an honest apology they began to turn over a new leaf

* people find the friendship strange tbh, Gray is known as this vaguely calm and like, super normal guy, and Bickslow is just— not

* theyre surprisingly comfortable with each other

* they dont hang out a lot outside the guild, but thats not to say they dont ever,

* While they dont work the best together and it took a while be able to fight along side on another,

* If the Thunder Legion and Team Natsu have to pair up usually they do bc they’re comfortable with each other and trust can go a long way

* theyre both texting fiends, like its a problem how much they message their friends, so when they found out the other was the same oh my god was it a train wreck

* their conversations can go for hours and if you read through them youd probably have an aneurysm because the topics make no sense and Bix doesn’t even try to spell correctly

* They have gotten close and friendly but that doesnt mean theu ever know what to expect from the other, their opinions and thoughts are so different from each other, if rhey ever have the same idea its like all the stars and planet’s have aligned and world is about to end

* Bickslows hair is naturally black and Gray helped him dye it once and they deadass looked they walk out the smurf set for weeks, Bix’s bathroom looked like they murdered a hundred of them

* Gray has an affinity for collecting hand weapons (swords, spears, bows, etc) while Bickslow likes taking apart and building old bombs (actual explosive grenades, land mines, smoke/flash grenades)

* they bonded over it and talked about it in public and terrified about 20 people rhat were in earshot

* theyre both a big hit with kids

* Bickslow gets added to the long list of people who barge into Gray house unannounced

* a lot of the time they will talk (coughcomplaincough) about two different things in the same convo

* Bickslow: the cops were at my door again last night because of the inactive grenade i threw in the fountain, woke me up and everything

* Gray: ugh, i hate that, Natsu blew up a building again and Erza yelled at the both of us

* Bickslow: thats so rude, do you think i should make another one and send it to them?

* Gray: totally, she knew it wasnt me but i still got scolded

so happy ppl have realized how pretty Gray is, now we’re gonna talk abt it bc im an overachiever

* Hes been scouted by plenty of different modeling agencies over the years, which really boosted his ego but very quickly became annoying as hell bc he never even applied

* He gets a couple a month, and he accepted once just to get them off his back and found it really embarrassing bc he was everywhere

* his friends in and outside the guild bought the magazines he was featured in and teased him mercilessly and he never stepped foot in another agency ever again

* Hes really photogenic but hates gets his photo taken, most of the pictures hes in ‘willingly’ hes glaring at the camera

* he now just blocks the numbers they call him on and throws out the letter they send him, if they stop him on the street he will walk away before the conversation even starts

* when Lucy found out something inside her died a little

* she pestered him about it and said she’ll go with him! he wont even have to take the money for it! she’ll take it! 😁

* she gets shot down every time but that doesnt mean she quit trying

#fairy tail #gray fullbuster #bickslow #ft bickslow #wth is his last name #sun strickens ft #sun stricken answers #anon ask #major mAJOR chaotic + normal chaotic #fairy tail headcanons #fairy tail incorrect quotes #gray is pretty im so happy ppl agree #hes pretty in universe too #i do make the rules #is it caller the thunder legion?#it is now

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lemoncrushh · 7 months

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Dressing For Revenge - Sneak Peek

COMING SOON...

My official rebrand relaunch will be Friday, October 6 at 8PM CST. My first new fic will be posted, but I thought I'd share a little sneak peek if you're interested.

Summary: Still heartbroken from finding your ex cheating on you, you go to a nightclub with your friend Kelsie, where not only do you run into your ex, but also a handsome gentleman who's willing to help you get over him.

SNEAK PEEK

While the beat still pulsed around you, you found a particular pulse of your own, racing through your veins like a newly lit fire that you’d thought had long died out. As Harry continued to seduce your mouth with his tongue, your fingertips found his chest once again where you slid your palm inside his shirt and ran it across his bare chest. The touch seemed to ignite something in Harry too, and you felt him chuckle against your lips before he pulled away, grabbing your wrists.

“You’re gonna make me strip you right here and have my way with you, baby,” he growled.

His hungry eyes told you he could very well do just that. Lifting his gaze, however, his smirk fell as he looked past you.

“Hmm, looks like the tables have turned.”

“What?” you asked.

Cocking his head, he gestured behind you. Turning slightly, you caught Luke glaring at you. His jaw was set, his eyes narrowed. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he didn’t approve of your sexy little display with Harry, or might even feel a tinge of jealousy.

Hmmph, you shrugged off the notion. Luke had never shown any sign of jealousy as long as you’d known him. Still, it made you a little excited to know he was keeping tabs on you.

“I’ll be damned,” you heard Harry chuckle. “I’d say he’s a wee bit unhappy, Y/N.”

“Serves him right,” you let the words slip.

“I’m gonna guess he was the possessive type.”

“Actually, no,” you replied. “In public he barely acted like he knew me. I’d find him flirting with every other woman in the room.”

“But he still expected you to be with him, right?” Harry asked.

“Yeah…”

“While he could do whatever he wanted.”

You furrowed your brows, finally understanding Harry’s point. “Yeah!”

“He didn’t deserve you,” Harry said, his voice low but loud enough for you to hear. “Didn’t appreciate you.”

“Probably not,” you sighed, your hips still swaying as Harry held you close.

“Definitely not,” he retorted, lifting his right hand to slide it under your ear. "Come home with me, Y/N. Make him really jealous. Make him realize what he's missing."

You snorted in disbelief as your fingertips tickled the back of his hand. “I doubt he’d even notice if I left with you.”

“I beg to disagree,” said Harry. “The way his eyes are shooting daggers at me right now says otherwise.”

“I don’t like to use people, Harry,” you claimed.

He threw his head back laughing, and you could feel the vibration in his chest against your own.

“Seriously, Y/N? Isn’t that why you’re here? Why we’re all here? Regardless of whether or not your ex had shown up to this club tonight, wasn’t your intention to get back at him? To find someone to help you forget?”

“Well…yeah…kinda,” you stammered.

“And wouldn’t I just be perfect to help in that regard?”

You felt your face flush as you looked into his eyes. He was absolutely right. Your goal had been to get back at Luke tonight, if only to prove to yourself that you didn’t need him. And Harry was so sexy and willing…

Thanks for reading, and I hope you join me for my new venture! I am open for requests, and I'm always happy to chat about anything and everything!

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qpenpals · 2 months

Text

First of all, support Shubble and support all victims (which is a statement that while said a lot, seems not be followed as frequently, however i hope those who read this abide by it)

Second, I don’t support wilbur soot/william gold, and I don’t think that anyone should after this.

Third, while this situation is not about me, i have feelings and opinions about it that i would like to share, but even if you don’t read anymore,

Please watch shelby’s vod, and maybe try checking her content out, because while i don’t frequently watch her, i enjoy her streams and maybe you will too! her new hardcore series sounds great :)

This is quite long, but honestly this is kind of just for me to collect my thoughts, however if you read to the end thank you<3 im touched :)

ALSO ABUSE TRIGGER WARNING

Alright, so I have loved wilbur soot’s content for a very long time, 4 years or so. I watched the streams and listened to his music from the start. His content is entwined with many of my fond memories.

Earlier today, I had a breakdown over this whole situation, because, as I’ve been quite busy with school, my job, and other assorted things in my life, I found out about this morning. I had woken from a nightmare about my previous abuser. Who i will be talking about a lot more of as they really impacted my views on this situation.

However this nightmare had left me in a fragile mood, my girlfriend was still sleeping and i didn’t want to wake her, so to comfort myself i went to read one of my bookmarked fanfictions, this fanfiction, while i dont remember the title is one that i’ve found comforting for a very long time, so much so that when im stressed my partner has it saved to send to me so i can calm down.

It was a fanfiction about quackity and tubbo, wilbur soot was mentioned maybe 5 times, and the author had deleted it.

This caused me to try and find out why, so i went to their page and they had posted a temporary fic explaining what had been going on.

My first reaction had been disbelief, I then went to research everything. It was a lot to process.

I watched shelby’s vod. Before this i had mainly been disconnected from what i had seen, taking it it but not with any of my own feelings or thoughts really, just processing.

Shelby’s situation hits really hard for me because a lot of it mirrors my own abusive relationship of a few years ago. The wording Wilbur used against her, sounds like what my old partner would use against me. His actions, such as her having to clean and taking care of food, and amenities, were things i had to experience.

Abuse TW:

My old partner would physically abuse me through biting as well, he would claim that he just liked knowing i was his, and yet, like shubble, if i ever used our safe word, which happened so fucking often, he either wouldn’t listen, bite down harder on my neck, or fucking smile at me before letting go.

This got to the point that multiple times he had drawn blood from my neck, that i still have scars from today. And as i watch Shubble talk about her story which is ever so close to mine, I wonder that if I had watched this before, maybe i wouldn’t have stayed in that relationship.

I proceeded to stay in this relationship for 2 years before i realized how much harm he was doing to me, because i truly believed he loved me, because of all the lovebombing he would do.

End of Abuse TW:

And yet i felt pain aside from sympathy or memories, when learning of this, as the content Wilbur had put out had actually helped me out of this relationship, his music was pretty much all i listened to the months of healing after i got out and it helped, the art is good, and yet the author is one i cannot respect nor support in anyway now that i am aware.

i’d suggest watching this tiktok by @lasmanburg that really explains my thoughts and feelings on this

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTL1tb5Wg/

Right back to the content. I don’t believe that we should throw it all away, i don’t think that people should be deleting their art, fanfiction, or anything based on Wilbur. Because in the end it’s all art that we have created and interpreted and though the man who inspired it is horrible, all that has been made does not reflect his actions, but instead love and creativity from vast multifaceted community.

One can continue their writing and work because they are the ones creating it, not him, and besides most interpretations of him stray quite far from the source anyways

I think that one can continue to engage in his content as long as one does not directly support him, such as pirating his music, but personally at least right now listening to his music which brought me so much comfort-makes me feel sick. So think i’ll be taking a step back.

I don’t really know how to end this, i just needed to get my thoughts out honestly. I have therapy in an hour. I hope all of you who’ve made it to the end have a wonderful day and drink some water. I wish shelby well, and i’m glad she has been able to share this situation. And with that, I must now leave :)

#lil summary in the tags #alright so basically i don’t think people should delete their works based off of wilbur and that as long as one does not support him direct #engaging in previous content is okay #however i will likely not be posting about him anytime soon #also go check out #lasmanburg #because their videos have really helped me put my thoughts into words and i think their content is pretty swell #also if they are currently reading this hello! i hope tagging you isnt a bother #and if you’re uncomfortable i will remove it!#wilbur soot #william gold #shubble #tw abuse #i speak!#wilbur situation

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eunnieboo · 2 years

Text

life update + graphic novel FAQ!

hello! i’ve been hard at work on my book, but i wanted to share one of my favorite panels ♥ and i thought i’d take a moment to answer some asks! hope everyone has been well~

book Q&A:

🌸 chippedmoon asked:

Hi! I just found your Momo and Priscilla art and I’m wondering: where are they from???? I really want to read about or watch them. Thanks!!!

hello!! momo and pg are my original characters! you’ll be able to read about them in my upcoming graphic novel (!!!)

🌸 desmond-the-queer-dragon asked:

Hey! I just saw your artwork and I am absolutely in LOVE!! When is your graphic novel coming out and what will the title be??? IM BEYOND HYPED

🌸 chronodisplaced asked:

Hi! When is your graphic novel out? Is it out yet? I'd love to read it :)

AHH thank you so much!!! it’s going to be called If You’ll Have Me, and it’s currently slated for fall 2023! we originally planned for a spring release but had to push things back because of industry-wide supply chain issues, printing delays, etc... for a more in-depth explanation i found this twitter thread very helpful!

🌸 sleeepyinseattle asked:

Hi! Love Momo and PG. Do you have an estimated release date and/or link to your graphic novel? I'd love to purchase it when it comes out!

thank you so much! i’ll definitely be sharing preorder links when they are available, and the second i can confirm a date, i promise i will not shut up about it! i’m very bad at being active online but i really am excited and anxious to share this little story with the world.

🌸 Anonymous asked:

Hi! I absolutely am in love with your artwork and original characters. I remember reading a while ago that there was production happening to animate them. Is that still happening?

thank you! oh gosh, i think you might be referring to the graphic novel that was announced? other than that, i can only think of this short animation i made of momo for fun. but if there was an official animation happening i would 100% be losing my mind

🌸 Anonymous asked:

You don't know how fast I'm gonna buy your graphic novel THE SECOND it comes out

OMG!! THANK YOU AW... just seeing people excited about it and looking forward to it really brings a tear to my eye. i’ve kept a lot of asks regarding the book announcement (and momo / pg in general!) because they are so sweet and kind... i appreciate all of them so much, thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

misc Q&A

⭐️ Anonymous asked:

Hello! I looked on your socials and didn't see anything, so I was curious if you offer prints/would be interested in starting to do so? That piece that you posted on November 7th made me tear up a little and I would love to add it to my wall of sapphic art.

thank you so much! i actually planned to reopen my shop this summer but had to push it back because i’m so busy. i’m still aiming for the end of this year though! i’ve been in touch with a company that does store management and bulk fulfillment, so i’m optimistic. the last time i had to pack and ship everything from home and oh my god... how do people do this regularly. my deepest apologies to everyone who previously ordered from me because i realized there were so many ways i could’ve done better after the fact. keeps me up at night sometimes lmaO

(this next ask is in reference to my rem / misa fanart and the first time i saw it in my inbox i screamed in delight. just wanted to give everyone the context so we can fully appreciate this)

⭐️ Anonymous asked:

they’re actually t4t goth gfs because i said so

anon how does it feel to have the biggest brain

(end of q&a! you can stop here if you'd like to skip my little diary entry. haha)

general life update

i wanted to make this post three months ago but in a tragic turn of events, the one day i set aside to accomplish some personal tasks made a terrible mess of my plans 😔 the deadline i mentioned back then was for inks, so i’ve since moved on to color! i’ve been working in the morning, then coloring in the evening and through the night. it’s pretty grueling, but i’m trying to be good about stretching and resting because if my body disintegrates i can’t draw more gay shit and what then?

i feel like i’m doing okay, all things considered! i’m just tired mostly. god, i’m so tired...

this book has been my life for all of 2022 which is why i don’t have much else to talk about 😂 i have a big deadline coming up so i’m really hustling right now. i actually have to deal with packing and moving as soon as i’m done, so i’m not sure when i’ll pop up again! maybe late september, maybe october... we’ll have to see!

thank you everyone for your endless patience ❤️

#if you'll have me #anon #replies #chippedmoon #desmond-the-queer-dragon #chronodisplaced #sleeepyinseattle #iyhm

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softdoctorreid · 2 years

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a little extra | reid x reader

summary: Spencer has always been self-conscious. But after prison he becomes a little extra aware of the extra weight he's carrying and you decide to give him a little extra love to ease his mind. Shameless smut because later seasons Spencer's tummy is everything and there's not enough content about it!! • nsfw/18+, smut, oral sex, body worship, vaginal sex, couch sex

(i posted this on AO3 anonymously but bc it seems like so much of the CM fandom also posts on tumblr, i thought i’d share it here too!)

+++ +++ +++

For someone who didn’t focus too much on his appearance, preferring comfort to style and hitting the books to hitting the gym, Spencer was all too aware of how his body. He had always been self-conscious. It was hard not to be when he was barely twelve his senior year in high school and surrounded by kids who were bigger, stronger, older than him. He stuck out like a scrawny sore thumb. By the end of college he’d shot up like a beanpole, hitting over six feet' by the time he graduated from the FBI Academy six years later. Still, he was lanky and lean, nothing like the men he worked alongside. They were strong, imposing. Hotch was sturdy and powerful. Morgan had the muscles to kick down doors and the physique to sweep women off their feet. He felt like a twig in an oversized sweater compared to them, out of shape and always overlooked.

Even then there was a softness to him. Sharp collarbones but soft thighs. Narrow wrists but no abs to speak of. He still stuck out, with his gangly limbs and unruly hair. He’d made peace with the fact that he might never grow into his body or learn to fit comfortably in it, but it was familiar at the least. Barely changing since college other than his frequent haircuts, the alarming number of scars he accumulated, and the trauma he learned to carry. He’d learned to love it a little bit more when you came along and seemed to love it so much, seemed to love him so much in spite of it all. There was less to worry about when tangled up with you. He could worship your body with barely a thought of his own other than how good you made him feel.

Then came Mexico. And Millburn. And everything after.

It was the perfect storm - the stress of the whole affair, the prison food, the struggle he had adapting afterwards. Maybe it was getting older, too. Or thirty plus years of a sweet tooth catching up to him. But no matter the cause, one thing was certain: in the last year his body had changed.

At first he’d hardly noticed, chalked it up to anxiety and being away from home. To a lack of familiarity with his wardrobe and apartment and personal space. He was just a little more uncomfortable in his clothes than before. Loosening his belt just a little more after lunch. But you never commented on it, so he didn’t pay it much mind. Until one morning getting ready for work when the buttons of his dress shirt didn’t quite want to close over his stomach. Spencer frowned at the stubborn fabric. He’d worn the same size clothing for years - had some things shrunk in the wash the last time he did laundry? Returning to the closest he grabbed a different shirt and repeated the process only to find the same results.

His face went red as he realized it wasn’t the shirt - it was him. More specifically, his belly, the soft beginnings of a paunch that wouldn’t quite fit within the confines of his dress clothes. No, his shirt would fit, it had to fit. He sucked in and tried again, forcing the ends of the shirt to meet and fastening the buttons securely. This time, they complied. Spencer glanced in the mirror. It was tight, that was undeniable. The shirt clinging to his soft body and the curve of his belly, the buttons straining from effort. But it fit. He let out a sigh of relief - only for one of the buttons stretched tight over his midsection to pull before completely popping open.

He stared in horror at his reflection, at the gap in his shirt and the way his tummy stuck out more obviously without the restraint. There was no way to ignore it anymore. He’d gained weight. Enough weight to change his body to the point that the clothes he’d worn since joining the BAU no longer fit him. With the clock still ticking he pushed down the embarrassment and found a roomier shirt to wear, hoping a longer tie would distract from the bulge of his belly and the way he couldn’t manage to close the lower buttons of his cardigan.

All day he wondered how he’d missed it, how he’d gotten to this point. It seemed so obvious now, the way his pants seemed to tug more over his ass, the way his cardigans felt stiff, the way the buckle of his belt dug into his stomach as he sat at his desk, forcing him to lean back slightly. After an already filling lunch he couldn’t seem to stop himself from sneaking two donuts from the box Garcia had brought in that morning and soon found himself slinking off to the bathroom and attempting to inch his pants down lower on his waist to relieve the pressure. How had he not noticed? Oh god, had other people noticed? The team? Had you noticed?

Spencer tried to push it to the back of his mind as he sat on the train home. Once there, he could change into something more comfortable and figure out what to do next. Maybe he would join a gym. Or go on a diet. He despised vegetables though, and how was he supposed to drink coffee without sugar in it? Maybe he would call Morgan or Luke and start going on runs with them. Anything to feel less aware of the extra weight he was now carrying.

Instead though, he found you sitting on the stoop of his apartment building with an eager grin.

Shit.

In his flustered state he had completely forgotten about your standing date for dinner and a movie.

“There you are,” you called, rushing to meet him. You threw your arms around him in a hug and he tried not to tense up beneath your embrace. “I was worried you got called away on a case and forgot to tell me!”

“Sorry,” he said, shying away from you lest you become aware of all his insecurities. “The trains were, uh, running behind schedule.”

You laced your hands through his, and for a moment the contact slowed his racing mind. “I’m just glad you’re home now. I missed you.” Standing on your toes you gave him a quick kiss before letting him lead you inside and up to his apartment, showering him with questions about his day that he answered in uncharacteristically short sentences.

When you asked what he wanted to do for takeout, he shifted nervously in the living room. The thought of eating in front of you when he already felt so uncomfortable in his own skin was far from appealing. “I - well, actually, I’m not really hungry. I got caught up at work and had a late lunch,” he lied, unbuttoning his cardigan and discarding the tie he’d been hiding behind.

“Oh. Well that’s okay, I’m not starving right now. We can always order food later. That new pizza spot down the block is open all night, you know!” Plopping down onto the couch, you patted the spot next to you. “Come sit with me, it’s your turn to choose the movie.”

A movie, he could do that. Your eyes would be on the screen rather than his body and he could distract himself with the sound of something other than his own insecurities. But fifteen minutes into the sci-fi film, you leaned in to his side, cuddling close to him as you often did when watching movies together. He swallowed hard. Could you tell he’d changed? Had you already noticed? Spencer tried to suck in, square his shoulders, stretch himself out. When you attempted to nestle closer to his side, he inched away.

“Hey, is everything okay?” you asked.

He nodded. “Y-yeah, of course! Everything’s fine!”

You frowned, staring him down with a discerning gaze that would make a profiler proud. “Are you sure? Babe, you’re so tense. Did something happen at work?”

“No!”

“ Spencer ,” you sighed. Not shifting your glance from his face you grabbed the remote and paused the movie. “Something’s bothering you, I can tell. What’s going on?”

The look of concern on your face was impossible to resist. As much as he hated feeling so self-conscious, he hated the thought of upsetting you more. “It’s nothing, really. It’s stupid.”

You squeezed his hand. “You’re not stupid. I promise. Whatever it is, you can talk to me.”

Under your curious gaze, he squirmed on the couch, gathering the courage to speak. “It’s just… I couldn’t wear one of my old shirts today. All my clothes feel tighter since coming home from prison and I think maybe I’ve... gained weight.”

Your eyes roamed over him, the corners of your mouth twitching. “Well, I’d say you’re right about that.” At the pained look on his face, you tried added, “It’s not a bad thing though!”

Spencer curled into himself, pulling the hem of his cardigan around his body like a shield. “You don’t have to lie.”

“Why do you think I’m lying?”

He shrugged. “I know I’m not that good-looking. Not like Morgan. Or Luke. Or I don’t know, any guy with abs. But I was - I still looked like I was in shape, I guess. And now everything’s changed and I feel different and I don’t want people to look at me different. And I don’t want you to be embarrassed that I’m… that I’ve put weight on and all that.” It was so hard to think you could like him when he'd spent his whole life learning how to hate himself.

Your eyes softened. With one hand you switched the television off, abandoning the remote on the coffee table before scooting closer to him on the couch.

“Hey. Spence. First of all, you are very good-looking. And more importantly, I could never, ever be embarrassed of you.”

“I’d understand if you were. I mean, I’m weird and I’m a mess and I ramble. My job hasn’t been easy on you, and neither has me going to prison. And now this! It’s like I can’t be anything a boyfriend is supposed to be for you, and you deserve better than that. Not the mess I am.”

“Babe, you’re not a mess.” You set a hand on his shoulder, thumb stroking gentle circles. “You’re healing. And that’s okay. But I love you, you know that? I love your rambling and your passion for your job and how smart you are. I love you so much.” The words hovered between you for a second before you tugged at his elbow. “Let me see you. Let me see the man I love.”

Spencer bit his lip, wavering between giving in and pushing you away. But he didn’t want to lose you and he didn’t want to be alone right now, not really. So he shrugged out of the cardigan and tried to sit up straight on the sofa as you took him in, eyes tracing every inch of him.

Then you smiled. Seemingly satisfied, ran your hand through his unruly hair and then down his cheek before trailing to his chest. “So there’s a little more of you,” you said, sliding over to sit yourself on his thigh. You squeezed your legs around him and he inhaled sharply at the warmth of you on his thigh, the breath a little painful as the buttons on his shirt strained against his skin. You caught his breath with a kiss, crashing your lips against his. The taste of your tongue in his mouth sweeter than any sugar and he gave in to temptation, kissing you back with a greedy eagerness. All lips and teeth and tongue and need.

“I love all of you. That love isn’t gonna run out. There’s always room for more of you.” A playful spark danced in your darkening eyes. “I want more of you. Right now. Let me show you.” You squeezed his leg with your hand, shifting to straddle him and swiveling your ass against his dick as you did so.

And god, his too-tight pants didn’t have room to accommodate his tummy and his growing cock. He moaned beneath your touch, your lips against the pulse point of his neck, fingers finding their way to the collar of his dress shirt. You undid the buttons of his shirt, the fabric gratefully giving way with ease and offering him some release. It was short-lived as you rolled your hips against his, the friction unbearable in the best of ways.

“Look at this body,” you said. “I love you no matter how you look, you know that. I love you. But I love this body of yours, Spence.” A nip at the base of his throat and you tugged at his hair. Beneath your grip the tension began to leave his body, replaced by a heat burning in his stomach. “Love it so much. It’s changed because you’ve changed. It kept you alive. Got you through Millburn and everything after. Kept you here, for me.”

Your hands found their way to his waist. “Of course there’s a little more of you now,” you murmured against his neck. “You needed that to survive. And god do you wear it well. I mean it,” you added when he tried to protest. Fingers digging into the soft flesh of his sides. “You’ve filled out. It looks good on you. All this newness. These hips and those broad shoulders and these thighs - god, Spencer, these thighs!”

As if to prove your point, you punctuated the words by grinding down against him once more and the room suddenly feel several degrees warmer. Maybe he’d had an inkling of these changes before, maybe that was why he’d been avoiding sex with you for the last few weeks, so you wouldn’t see him the way he was starting to see himself. But here you were, evidently as into him as ever. Your friction making his dick twitch, making his body absolutely ache for you.

If he hadn’t been so consumed with his own self-consciousness, he might have realized the way you eyed the way his trousers stretched over his rounder backside or the way your gaze drifted to his tummy when he stretched back and placed a hand over it after a big meal. Might have picked up on the way his tightening shirts made you rub your thighs together or how the slight pudge against his belt made you feel absolutely feral.

But it had all gone completely over his head as he tried to keep a safe distance between you and the body he felt so unseemly in. And now you were making up for lost time, sucking at his neck in a way he was sure would leave a mark, palms rubbing his thighs so close to where he wanted to feel you so badly.

You pulled your shirt up over your head and he buried his face between your breasts, whimpering at the feel of your skin against his and peppering kisses across your chest. “You’re so beautiful,” he whined.

“And so are you. My beautiful boy. With your beautiful eyes and your beautiful hands.” Your hands wandered down his backside. “And your ass. Your ass is a thing of beauty, Spencer. A real work of art. And all these tight pants make your butt look so good. You fill those clothes out finally.” You squeezed at the swell of it, his breath catching from where he was kissing your jaw and he bucked his hips up to meet your body. “Fuck. So beautiful.”

The hoarse rasp of your voice was almost too much for him, so wrecked with desire. And it was definitely becoming too much for his trousers, which were now painfully tight.

He leaned back on the couch in an attempt to alleviate the pressure of his waistband. Catching his subtle movement, you slid off of him, sinking to your knees on the floor between his legs. With a smile you undid his belt buckle, pulling it out of the belt loops and discarding it on the floor.

The fabric of his slacks was taut against his skin, made more uncomfortable still by the bulge straining against them. You palmed over his thick cock, growing harder immediately under your touch, before reaching for the fly of his trousers. Upon undoing the button, the zipper of his too-tight pants peeled open, his soft belly inching forward, free from restraint, and his erection fully at attention beneath his boxers.

You took your sweet time, kissing a path up the fullness of his inner thigh and stopping at the curve of his hip as you gazed at him. “And I love your tummy.” Your fingers traced lightly up his happy trail. “Love how soft you are. So easy to cuddle up to. So warm. You’re so comfortable. So good.”

Your teeth grazed over the soft skin of his belly, followed by your tongue. “All of you is so sturdy now. So tangible. You feel so much stronger. So here . So healthy. You feel so full and alive, Spence. So strong. Such a man,” you moaned, pushing his boxers down his legs and watching his arousal spring free. Looking right in his wide eyes, you licked your lips. “And all for me .”

You licked a stripe up the length of him from base to tip and he let his head fall back against the couch as your lips wrapped around him. It felt divine, and he threaded his hands in your hair to keep you steady, your whimpers sending him into overdrive as you sucked him off, your mouth warm and wet around the most sensitive parts of him. Tongue swirling over the tip, each moan going right through him.

Before he could lose himself to the pleasure, you stopped and squeezed his knee gently. “Spence, I wanna feel you,” you breathed. “Want all of you.”

“Yes,” he begged. “Yes, please.” You stood and stripped out of your jeans and panties as he watched, chest heaving. Time seemed to move to slow for the overwhelming need he felt, so he pulled closer to him once more, arms snaking around your torso to deftly unclasp your bra before pressing his mouth to your breasts, ravishing each with the attention of his hands and tongue. You climbed back into his lap, bracing yourself on his shoulders as you slid down onto his cock.

Spencer groaned at the sensation of your slick heat. You were this turned on by him? The reality of your arousal, the way you whined against his mouth, fingernails digging into his shoulder, was almost enough to make him come on the spot.

In spite of it all, you wanted him. And he wanted you.

Then you started to rock and back and forth and, “ Fuck, ” he hissed. You felt so good. So warm and tight and good. He wanted to make you feel good. Prove to himself he could be okay with his body if he was still enough for you, that he would be enough for you.

Careful not to jostle you, he grabbed your waist and flipped you two on the couch so you were splayed across the length of it, head against the pillows as he hovered over you and picked up the pace you had set. Your kiss-swollen lips parted in a breathless smile, head tipping back in ecstasy as he fucked you.

You were an absolute vision beneath him and he wanted to give you everything he had. He thrust harder into you, spurred on by your fingernails down his back as you clutched at him.

“See?” you gasped. “You still fit perfectly, Spence. Fit so good, so - fuck! So perfect. So full. You fill me up so good.”

“It’s you,” he panted. “You’re so perfect. Perfect around my cock. Take me so good.” Each stroke coming faster, deeper. Your face flushed and mouth falling open in delight as he used one hand to finger your clit, circling with just the right pressure over where you were so sensitive. You were coming undone beneath his fingers and it was everything. “Make me feel so good, always. I love you. I love you. I love you.”

You caressed his cheek, eyes wide and watery. “Love you so much, Spence. Love you so big , so big I don’t have words for it.”

But you didn’t need words as he bowed his head to kiss you, as he pushed you open over and over. And he wasn’t thinking about his tummy or his thighs, wasn’t worrying about the way all his edges were turning into curves. There was just you and this sofa and your soft cries of pleasure beneath him, filling his head with nothing but you as he filled you up, reaching his release as you came over the edge with him.

Utterly spent he collapsed against you, head buried in the crook of your neck as he tried to catch his breath, his softening cock still buried deep The moment he came to his senses, he started to panic, worrying he might be too heavy for you - but you just wrapped your arms around him and held him closer.

“Feels so good having you on top of me,” you sighed. “You make me feel so safe, Spence. So safe with you.”

“It’s not too much?” he asked cautiously.

“Not at all. It’s just right. Just what I need.”

Spencer let himself relax back into you, melting into your arms. “Good. Good.”

You held him tight, pressing lazy kisses to his cheek and shoulder, savoring how the weight of him made your whole body relax. Every inch of his sweat-slick skin soft and warm. The two of you lay there in a dizzy heat, an uneven tempo of inhales and exhales until finally you said, “Believe me now?”

He chuckled against your neck with a smile you could feel. “I do. Thank you. For making me feel better.”

“Thank you ,” you replied. “That was one of the best orgasms I’ve had in a while." And it had been a while, he thought. The last year had made it rather difficult to maintain a sex life what with his mother needing him and then his incarceration. There had been a long, frenzied reunion the first night he was truly free - after Scratch was dead and Cat Adams couldn't hurt him anymore and you were both so desperate for the intimacy you'd been denied for months. But then after Walker's funeral the fear had sunk in and the flashbacks started. He had to focus more on just keeping his head above water, on getting reinstated. There were quick, frantic fucks when you begged or when he needed a physical release from everything overwhelming him, but it had been too long since you'd had anything like this. He swore to himself that he'd start to make it up to you.

You smoothed your hands over his tangled, messy hair. "You turn me on so much, Spencer. I’m so into you, into all of you. And that’s never gonna change, ‘kay?”

“Okay.” He kissed your nose. “Just for the record, I’m just as into you, you know,” he adding, settling back against your chest to lose himself in the sound of your heartbeat. "I love you just as big."

Just as you were drifting into a comfortable silence, he said, “Hey, do you think we could still order pizza?”

It was your turn to laugh. “Yes, yes we can. Work up an appetite there?”

“Mmm. Ravenous. So hungry I might need dessert after.”

You raised your eyebrows. “Something special in mind?”

“Extra special,” he promised, turning to capture your lips between his once more.

#spencer reid #fanfiction #criminal minds #imagine #spencer reid x reader #reid x reader #smut #Spencer reid's tummy #is something so special #z writes

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phxntomsdusk · 2 months

Text

addressing this all in one post

sirenbrainrot.

if any of you have been on the wilbur x reader side of tumblr, you may be familiar with the nickname.

this was an account that was known to interact with and write nsfw from time to time, but then got outed for being a minor and not actually 19.

this account was me.

before i explain anything i’d just like to say that i won’t be saying excuses such as “i’m only a kid” because i should have known better. and i know much better now.

this account was the start of several problems in regards to me online. i had started a tumblr because i have a passion for writing, and it is one of my coping mechanisms, meaning it helps me cope with traumatic things in my life mostly.

during the time i had started the account i was going through realization that i had been sexually assaulted and manipulated by an ex of mine. i’ve been through quite a bit of sexual related trauma such as being groomed, manipulated and pushed/forced into doing or sending things.

i had fallen to the point mentally where i felt like i was nothing but a body for someone to find satisfaction with, and so i put myself up to those standards. i had struggled with a porn addiction for months on end, something i still find myself struggling with to this day.

the videos i was watching had made me believe i filled the hole that was in my brain, when in reality it was making everything so much worse.

the videos has turned into writing, starting on wattpad after i came across a fanfic that included smut, to which i read and realized that maybe that would help me more.

it got horrible. to the point i’d ignore friends texts to read it or even did it in school. and eventually.. i had found tumblr.

originally me and my best friend just downloaded the app so we could read fanfics together, sharing our favorite ones throughout the months and what not. until i discover the nsfw side of the content i was engaging in.

my interest has peaked, making me fall into a hole of constant reading, scrolling, and liking anything involving nsfw.

after a few months i had decided to start writing for myself, coming up with the sirenbrainrot tagline and becoming a writer.

i was extremely proud of the fact i had gained quite a big following, even making the character “churchboy” and ended up writing nsfw for him as well.

it wasn’t until i heavily started interacting with abby’s nsfw account that things had completely gone downhill.

it was not and never will be my place to interact with nsfw/adult spaces, and i fully take responsibility for the people i’ve upset and those who i’ve harmed because of my actions.

i was known as 🧠 anon on that account, often providing nsfw content and character ai bots. i was maybe one of the people who interacted with her work the most.

it wasn’t until i had gotten into personal contact with connor that i opened up about my age. he truly made me realized how fucked up and horrible the entire thing is, leading me to apologize to abby personally.

she had blocked me and posted about it, and i do not blame her. i was a minor disguised as an adult, gaining people’s trust just to break down a wall of horrible lies.

after this i discussed with a friend on what to do, ultimately quitting the account and starting this one, phxntomsdusk.

i took a bit of time to myself to think over everything i’ve done because of my own selfish behavior.

i hurt people, i invaded personal spaces, and most importantly i could have gotten several adults into legitimate legal trouble.

i know it’s bad to blame everything on my trauma, but in reality i was a person who was struggling with sexual assault, self harming thought due to it, and didn’t know any other way to fill the spot that would help me the most.

instead of doing the mature thing and speaking out about my struggles, i did a horrible thing and took advantage of people’s trust.

for the record i do not interact with or read nsfw anymore. im still struggling with videos but that is a different thing im working on separately.

for the nsfw i admitted to reading, that is because i worry for my older cousin. his mom doesn’t tolerate this stuff, and speaking with her privately has concluded he will most likely be deleting that account and not posting anymore nsfw so further situations such as this don’t happen.

again i’m sorry for those i have harmed with my actions in the past, i truly am trying to change and be a better person while bettering myself.

#phxntom talks

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legacygirlingreen · 1 year

Text

Christmas With the Sallow Family: Chapter 5 - A Locket & A Promise || Sebastian Sallow X Reader

This is a continuation of a series, Masterlist found here: https://www.tumblr.com/legacygirlingreen/713709759369560064/part-1-becoming-a-proper-gentlemen?source=share

Author’s Note:

Hey I am back! Graduation took up some of my time, but I thought I’d give those still reading an update! This is mostly just fluff and filler so I apologize. I also didn’t spend as much time editing since I wanted to make up for the lack of posting. Next chapter should have more content… Anyway’s peace and love as always!

Word Count: 6,000 +

Warnings: Brief mention of NSFW content, mild angst (if you squint), mostly tooth rotting fluff.

A soft snore against the nape of her neck slowly lulled her from sleep. As she eased into consciousness, the weight against her waist from the freckled arm resting there, and his gentle breathing helped a smile stretch upon her lips. It felt heavenly to be held in such a way, by someone she loved so dearly.

Even in the man’s unaware state, his body seemed to recognize her presence, as her slight movements made him nuzzle in closer to her side while his quiet snores continued. The slight chill of the room made her sink further into his warmth. Sebastian truly was a furnace.

Ever so carefully she turned from her side onto her back without waking him, before turning to her other side so she could face him as he slept. The sight alone made her heart flutter.

An important thing to know about the young man, was that Sebastian almost always bore strong indications of his emotions upon his handsome face: frustration, elation, confusion, sadness, and the most common: mischief. They were always there, in the crease of his brows, crinkles around his eyes, dimples in his cheeks, depths of his chocolate orbs and in the smirk upon his full lips. However as he slept, she recognized a rare moment where she got to see him completely at peace.

The slight flaring of his nostrils as he inhaled gently with its slight rumble, before air softly came out of his parted lips. She had always loved his slightly broad button nose, and how it always seemed to scrunch right across the bridge as he laughed. His long, dark eyelashes that laid upon his freckled cheeks slightly danced as his eyes ever so carefully moved under his closed eyelids.

As he had slept his hair had become a birds nest, strands of varying lengths sticking up in almost every direction. The same forelock that she always loved to move off his face, falling into its natural resting place. His curtains of fringe falling more around his hairline instead of the way he’d been pushing it over his ears since he’d gotten it cut short. She noted the way his sideburns were already starting to curl into his face again, as well as the hair near his nape, despite having them cut short not long ago. She almost laughed, stifling it to a small puff of air, thinking about how difficult it must have been for him to maintain his hair given how fast it appeared to grow, especially with its thickness and unruly nature.

She hadn’t even realized she had been brushing her fingers through his hair until his eyes snapped open, meeting hers. The look in his chocolate orbs looked startled at first, resulting from the still new feeling of waking up next to someone. When his mind recognized the playful expression she wore, his lips stretched into a toothy grin as he nuzzled into her hand that was buried in his bed head. His eyes closed again, as the final signs of alarm faded, and he fell into a content sigh as he awoke next to the girl of his dreams, who was admiring him no less.

“What’s so funny” he asked, voice slightly horse from sleep as her fingers continued to dance along his scalp.

“Oh its nothing really, just an observation” she said watching as his left eye opened just to judge her expression before he stretched his body within the confines of the thick wool blanket. Once he finished waking his sleeping limbs, he rolled over, propping himself up to lean over her.

“What observation?” he asked, mischief finally working its way back to his face after sleep. Sebastian loved the way her cheeks broke out in a light blush at his questioning.

She sighed as she continued running her hands through his hair, trying to tame it, to seemingly no avail. “Your hair is an absolute mess Seb… how have you possibly maintained it for so long? How does it not annoy you?” She playful retorted while she carefully untangled a small knot along the back of his crown without pulling too hard on the strands.

“Oh trust me, I often find it quite frustrating to deal with. Having it cut has actually been more convenient than you could imagine” he said, raising a hand to help her attempt to brush down the cowlicks.

“That’s baffling considering it is still so chaotic” she laughed as she gestured to his head. He rolled his eyes at her antics.

“Perhaps I should just march in the house, and request my uncle shorn it down even further to prevent such chaos then” he joked. Never in a million years did he think, that after years of torment around the whole ordeal, would he be in bed with a half naked woman, making light of his childhood trauma.

“Absolutely not.” She deadpanned, almost nervous at even the suggestion.

“You would allow such trivial things like the length of my hair lessen your affections for me?” He let out a small gasp, clutching his collarbones as he continued to playfully taunt her.

“You are being ridiculous.” She feigned annoyance.

“A tad, I will admit. I will say, I am thankful you never had to see me sporting a Solomon Special as Ominis used to call it attempting to get a rise out of me over it” he truly did thank Merlin. He was certain with the lack of the usual giddy whispers from his female classmates around the time it was freshly cut, that his hair did not look good that way. He hated how much it struck his confidence, especially given how he knew it to be one of his better features despite its wild and untamed nature.

“That bad huh?” She laughed, trying to imagine him slightly younger, with chubbier cheeks and short hair.

He lifted his hands, pushing his hair off his face, covering most of it, in an attempt to recreate the look for her. “Dreadful.” He replied, allowing her to examine this face in full view.

“You’d still look incredible handsome” she said, pulling him down into a chaste kiss. When his hands moved from his head to her waist, however, the kiss deepened. He pushed his way in between her legs, arms drawing her closer. He suddenly became aware of how the only thing she wore to bed was his sleep shirt, while her lower half remained bare. He remembered the night before, and how wonderful her innermost being tasted upon his lips, as the only thing that mattered, was him bringing her pleasure.

Sebastian couldn’t wait until the moment where once again he could feel her tremble under his fingers. Or when he could gaze upon her naked body, tracing her womanly figure with his lips. Maybe even enter her with his manhood and make good on his promise to one day give her children.

Their lips seemingly picking up speed as his mind wandered. Their kisses becoming more needy as she ground herself against his clothed thigh. When her hands lifted into his hair, pulling in the way he’d come to love, he couldn’t help but moan out. She pulled away after a few moments, breathless. “Please just keep it long enough for me to muse it” she said, fingers mirroring her words.

Sebastian sighed, realizing that her denial of letting things progress to be wise. He didn’t want to loose his virginity in a tent also occupied by his friend and his sister. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to make sure they were on the same page after the previous night, before they progressed further.

“I imagine the next time I need a trim it’ll be your job, so that is entirely your call my love. You are the one who has to look at it, so whatever you desire. I trust you.” He said, nose bumping into hers gently. She stared at him wide eyed, shocked he would admit to trusting her with such a task.

“That sounds utterly domestic” she replied and he laughed at her words.

“Is there a problem with wanting to build a home with you?” He questioned rhetorically.

“Absolutely not. It endears me to know you wish for such things” she spoke, carefully caressing his cheek as she stared at the small patches of stubble on his face.

“You know, I do have a gift I could give you now, if you’d like. I am realizing it to be quite domestic the more I think about it.” She said, eyes looking back up into his own.

“Honestly, the more I think about it, I would prefer to share mine in private as well. I hate the thoughts of Solomon, or even Anne and Ominis, lingering whist I give you what I have.” He replied.

She smiled at his suggestion, leaping from the bed and rummaging through her small trunk. He stood, realizing he’d have to sneak over into his room to retrieve it. Carefully slipping over into the other half of the tent in the very early hours of the morning. Somehow he managed to find clothes for the day along with her gift in the near darkness without waking Anne and Ominis. The pair were curled up in the middle of the two beds, which they at some point pushed together. Anne’s head laid upon the boys chest, his arms wrapped around her shoulders as they slept. Sebastian smiled. A large part of him loved seeing his sister so cared for, a sense of normalcy for her, as well as his friend finally relaxing into physical comfort with another. Not wanting to spy on them further he slipped back out.

When he returned he was disappointed to find her no longer in his sleep shirt, instead sporting a slip, pulling the waistband of a petticoat up her thighs and around her waist. Laying on the freshly made bed he saw a few linen dresses, before a simple red one caught his eye. He turned around in time to see her finishing the strings of her corset. Carefully pulling it from the bed, and walking towards her, he gestured for her to lift her arms. When she saw the material in his hands she relented, allowing him to slide the dress over her layers.

The dress allowed her open collarbones to be on display, and she smiled, realizing he had somehow found the perfect blend of looking nice without being too overdone. Ever since Anne forced her into a dress she’d really taken a liking to the way Sebastian constantly smiled at her. Although he tended to do that anyway…

He stood next to her, still without a shirt, and only now wearing a pair of trousers. She grabbed his hand, pulling him towards the bed as she tossed the remaining clothing back into the trunk.

“Could at least wait till I’m dressed love” he said with a laugh towards her impatience.

“I prefer you this way” she said, cheeky grin adorning her face.

“It appears I have corrupted you my darling” he said, pulling her hand closer to him.

“Close your eyes” she demanded, and he closed them. She delicately placed something into his hands. The box sat in his outstretched hand for a moment before he opened his eyes. Her expectant glance followed him as he opened the small package.

Immediately upon seeing the contents he laughed, pulling out the small razor. “I have to say, this seems more like a gift for you than for me” he said remembering how she had begged him to rid himself of the sparse facial hair he’d grown.

“I believe it can serve my needs and yours” she shrugged. He admired its shinny silver handle, with an ornate design. Figures replicating Roman marble statues were incorporated throughout. Near the bottom he saw a small engraving: “S. Sallow” in cursive. For such a practical item it did appear quite beautiful.

He understood what she meant when she said it was more domestic than she intended. Sebastian slid the blade out, admiring the way it caught the light. It felt like such an adult gift. His uncle had continually ignored his transitioning from boyhood to man, by denying his request for better fitting shoes or longer pants. It hadn’t been until recently he had actually started addressing him as such, however still avoiding assisting in a graceful transition. This made him feel so grown up, receiving a gift that would be used daily, becoming a reminder of her every time he would see it.

“It’s beautiful, thank you” he said setting it back in the box, beckoning her closer. She obliged him, setting her fingers along his jaw.

“Of course. My family has always tried to gift each other something practical as well as something homemade… so I figured this might be a good idea as you had need for one, or at least a better one” she said and he laughed.

“I love it.” He said, as a wonderful image flashed in his mind. Him leaning on the vanity of a small home, much like what he had in feldcroft, while her careful hands scraped the blade over his cheek. At some point he’d pull her in for a kiss, the lather getting all over her face to her dismay, and he’d laugh at her before aiding her in wiping it away. Maybe at some point he’d pretend she had nicked him, just to momentarily startle her, before allowing his mischievous laugh to fill the air. More than likely she’d scold him, lightly slap his shoulder, before continuing anyway. When she would finish he’d pull her in for a deep kiss, to thank her for the not so difficult labor. The more he thought about it, these domestic tasks like grooming being in her hands instead of his own made them exciting, endearing, alluring.

“Good, because I hope you’ll get use out of it” she said, rising to finish dressing when his hands pulled her backwards onto his lap.

“I still haven’t given you anything sweetheart” he purred along the column of her neck. From behind he carefully set the small box in her lap. She lifted it somewhat apprehensively. The small size and shape of the box didn’t leave many options for what it could contain, beyond perhaps a fountain pen or pair of spectacles.

Nestled inside soft velvet laid a small golden locket. The front depicted a simple curved S, made of many sparkling green stones. As she lifted it from the box’s soft interior the gems caught the light brilliantly. Whether the letter was to represent their house, or one of his names she didn’t know, nor did she care. She didn’t realize her lack of a comment on the item was causing Sebastian to shift awkwardly, worried she didn’t like his gift. He was even more concerned at what her thoughts would be when she opened it…

“It’s okay if you don’t like it, I wasn’t sur-“ he started but she interrupted him by turning towards him, flinging her arms around his neck.

“I love it.” She whispered close to his ear and he couldn’t contain the smile that erupted upon his face knowing he was able to make her happy.

When he pulled back he saw the awestruck look on her face as her index finger traced over the initial on the front. “And the S is for….” She asked, a small smirk working its way on her face.

Sebastian blushed at the realization of its implications. He still told her the intent nonetheless. “I suppose it could be whatever you wish for it to mean. I had hoped it you wouldn’t mind it being a connection back to me, for Sallow or perhaps Sebastian. My mother had a similar one that my father gifted her soon after we were born. She had wanted to be able to display something on the inside for Anne and I.” He explained.

“What did she put inside if you don’t mind me asking?” She questioned, understanding if he’d be apprehensive, but driven by curiosity she asked anyway.

Instead of replying he gestured towards the locket in her own hand, signaling to open it. She obliged his request, falling silent when she realized what laid in one side of the locket. He left one half empty, presumably for whatever she deemed important enough to place there herself. In the other side, a small lock of brown hair held together by a tiny thread, laid behind a thin clear cover.

Even encased she immediately knew that he had gifted her something that, in muggle tradition, was highly sought after. The kind of gift exchanged between those who were wed, or at the very least set to be wed. Maybe the same applied in wizarding culture she thought. Either way, her eyes watered when she realized he wanted to share such an intimate part of himself with her.

His lovely brown locks in a way had become a symbol for their utter devotion to one another. He had given up his normal appearance for her to be here with him, as difficult as it had been for him. He had trusted her with the knowledge of how Solomon had abused him in such a manor. She knew how important the task of grooming him had been a strong bond between him and Mrs. Sallow before she passed. How much she enjoyed slipping off to the room of requirement together at the end of the day to hold him close, allowing him to relax as she brushed through his hair. Even now he mentioned passing the torch of cutting his hair onto her, showing his trust in their future, as they both looked forward to the domestic tasks of life together.

“I know that where you come from it has such strong implications but… I couldn’t help it. Nothing seemed grand enough a gift when I thought about it. I wanted you to know, that I am deeply committed to you, and a life with you. When I think back upon the exact moment in which I fell madly in love with you, a large part of me recalls that day in the Undercroft, when you held me in ways no one else had.” He explained, his own hands toying with his hair.

“Put it on me?” She asked, voice thick with emotion and he nodded. She closed the locket again, handing the necklace to him before lifting her hair off her shoulder to avoid getting caught in the clasp. Sebastian carefully laid it along her collarbones before fastening it around the back of her neck. He laid a gentle kiss along the nape of her neck before wrapping his arms around her from behind.

“This is so thoughtful, I truly don’t know what to say other than thank you..” she explained, hand wounding around the locket resting around her neck.

“After all you continue to do for me… I still feel its not enough. A part of me wishes we could both just skip to the part where we are done with school and able to be whatever we choose. A locket seems dull in comparison to such promises now.” He told her as she turned around to face him.

“I want those things, but that does not diminish how lovely this is. It must have set you back quite a bit. Not to mention… when did you get a lock of hair for this?” She asked playfully.

“Yesterday. I had Madam Snelling help me trim and tie off a section when you all were in honeydukes. You can somewhat see it -“ he trailed off, lifting part of his forelock and upon close inspection she could see where part of his iconic hair strand had been sheared a bit. She blushed realizing he had gifted her something so close to his identity.

“Would it be too much for me to ask for a photograph or portrait to keep in the other side?” She inquired, loving the way his lips stretched into a proud smile at her request.

“Of course not. I will admit, I do not have any recent photographs, but I am certain we can work something out if that is what you desire”. He expressed.

“I would love that.” She replied, beaming at his acceptance of her request. “I do have something else for you as well…” she explained and he was reminded how she told him about her muggle traditions.

“Well lets see it.” He tried to reassure her. He had always been a little concerned their differing backgrounds when it came to magic would make her self conscious. He did not believe an ounce of the pure blood nonsense that people like Ominis’s family boasted of. His mother had much respect and regard for muggles, often finding their customs to be utterly fascinating. She had taught history of magic along with continuing to infuse it with elements of muggle studies. He hoped that she would never feel less for her non magical upbringing.

She shifted around before producing a small round container, smaller than the palm of his hand. Gently she passed it off to him, allowing him to do with it as he pleased. What Sebastian couldn’t see was the soft blue glow coming off the box. She knew that only herself, and those with her gifts, would be able to see its connection to ancient magic. However, she hoped that in giving him something, that at its core was made of the magic that flowed through her, to be a strong show of herself as a gift.

It took a moment for Sebastian to recognize what exactly he was looking at. The small round shape imitating earrings or something of the nature, but when he lifted one from the container he realized it they were a set of cufflinks. The small oval shaped cufflinks depicted coiled snakes on each side, mirroring each other.

“I uh… asked the Keepers about using ancient magic to conjure and create items. I realize you actually have no way of knowing they were made with my magic, however, I can assure you it took several attempts before I mastered conjugation with ancient magic. They don’t exactly sell spellcrafts for forms of magic long forgotten. In fact, I am not sure many items like this even exist.” She rambled in an attempt to explain the possible let down of her gift.

“You made these?” He asked her, still surprised at her magical talents and abilities. Knowing that she had taken the time to learn more about her unique abilities in order to gift him something so trivial made his heart flutter.

She nodded, watching as his eyes softened.

“They are incredible. Thank you. I shall wear them every day.” He told her, drawing her closer, intending to feel her warmth. They remained in a soft embrace for a while, enjoying the way their bodies relaxed into one another.

“Thank you again for the locket, I absolutely adore it.” She spoke quietly into his neck as he held her.

“I will admit, I am looking forward to seeing you walking about the castle with it.” He replied smugly.

She pulled back slightly, “Was that your attempts at branding me” she asked with an obviously put on gasp.

“Well you are my little heifer…” he joked and she smacked his shoulder as he begun to laugh.

“I believe I told you never to call me that” she whined

“Oh you did, but we both know I am not particularly good at following rules” he replied and she hummed, returning to the comfort of his warm skin. Her fingers grazed across his still naked chest, traveling up to cup his jaw.

“This is true.” She replied.

Sebastian lifted his hand, feeling around on the other side of his jaw. Looking back at the small razor he realized he didn’t actually know how to use one. He had been barely scraping by with the occasional usage of the safety razor he borrowed from Ominis, but a straight razor was somewhat intimidating. Perhaps Solomon would actually be of assistance if he asked nicely.

“Why don’t we finish getting dressed, and I will see if Solomon can actually help me learn how to use one of these properly.” He gestured towards her gift and she nodded before rising from his lap.

She stepped towards a mirror, brushing her own hair while he slowly finished dressing himself. Once the last of his buttons was fastened, he attached the cufflinks she had gifted him, before coming to stand behind her with the tie he had snagged from his trunk. When she lifted her hands to begin braiding her hair he gently removed them before dropping her locks over one side of her shoulder, leaving the other bare.

“Please leave it down” he murmured into her shoulder as he gently pressed kisses to her soft skin. He felt her nod as she set the brush down, turning to face him. Removing the tie from his hands, she wound the fabric around his neck, slowly making work of creating the knot. Once she was satisfied she gently brushed a hand over the length of the tie, flattening it against his abdomen.

“Fastening my tie, yet another domestic task that I would much appreciate falling to you in the future” Sebastian winked as he carefully leaned down to peck her lips before moving to collect his waistcoat, sliding his arms through the holes and doing its few buttons as well.

“So allow me to recap. I am to help you shave, cut your hair and fasten your tie. Anything else Mr. Sallow, or are you incapable of doing anything on your own” she teased and he laughed at her notion he was helpless. She came to stand next to him as he finished pulling his arms through the sleeves of his blazer. She adjusted the lapel pin that had shifted when he’d tossed the jacket to the floor the night before.

“Not really, I am utterly helpless without you, future Mrs. Sallow.” At his words her fingers stalled, her eyes lifting to his own as his hand stretched out to trace the locket resting near the valley of her breasts.

“Don’t act as if you don’t like it when I call you that” he said in a low tone.

“I never said I didn’t”. She replied

“Good.”

The two of them stared at one another for a while before finally he lifted a hand, beckoning her to grab it. Sliding the box containing the straight razor into his jacket’s pocket, he helped her lift the few miscellaneous boxes she had brought containing gifts for his family into one of the enchanted bags she often carried. Helping lift it over her shoulder, he sought out of the tent, holding her hand.

The cool air had intensified overnight, and the light was barely touching the edges of the sky. Very few people moved about the hamlet as they made their way to the main house. Sebastian let go of her hand when they approached the door, pressing a gentle kiss to her cheek, before stepping inside to make sure his uncle wasn’t still asleep. When he confirmed Solomon was awake and moving in the kitchen to start the kettle, he stepped back through the door to retrieve her.

Once inside the warmth of the house, she brushed the few pieces of fallen snow off her hair and arms. “Good morning Mr. Sallow.” She said as she wandered over to the pantry to aid in starting breakfast. Sebastian followed behind her, standing close by as his Uncle turned around to acknowledge the pair.

“Mornin you two. Sebastian, are your sister and Gaunt still asleep?” Solomon asked and he nodded in reply.

“Best to let Anne sleep as long as she can.” He replied, moving back to the now boiling kettle.

Sebastian watched as she carefully folded the dough she had quickly crafted into the shape of what he imagined would be scones without any hesitation and precision from years of doing it nonmagically. Seeing her so comfortable in their family’s kitchen brought back the stirring he continued to feel at seeing them both engaging in domestic tasks. That reminded him of the conversation he’d been meaning to have with Solomon. This was as good a time as any.

“Uncle Solomon, might I have a word.” He spoke, turning back towards the man who was setting the table. At his question, the man dropped one of the napkins he’d been holding. Turning back towards his nephew, seeing the way he shifted weight from foot to foot, he began to panic. He’d heard that tone before, and suffice to say, when his brother often used it on their parents the outcomes were not pretty. Solomon glanced over at the girl, knowing she had heard Sebastian’s request but did not look worried. Seeing her more calm reaction made him sigh as he realized Sebastian was not addressing that as a concern.

Sebastian stepped back through the door once his uncle nodded and the pair made their way around to the right side of the house. Unsure how to bring up the topic, he led us guardian over to the top of the watch tower before leaning over the railing.

“What’s happened?” Solomon asked him, worried of all the horrible responses Sebastian could give him.

Sebastian on the other hand couldn’t entirely fault him for assuming the worst. Instead of turning Solomon’s wrong assumption into an argument he simply shook his head.

��I have been thinking about what you said the other day, when she came back on the brink of death with Professor Fig.” Sebastian told his Uncle, still trying to find a way to articulate himself in an appropriate manor that would be taken seriously.

“I already apologized for my actions, why can’t it be left at that?” Solomon said, wrongfully assuming Sebastian was airing out more of their dirty laundry so to speak.

“I am not looking for an apology. I admit, I was partially in the wrong as well.” Sebastian replied, finally looking from Rookwood castle back to his Uncle, who still bore a confused expression.

“Then what is this about Sebastian? Have you-“ Solomon began but Sebastian immediately responded by shaking his head, making the older man’s words die upon his lips.

“I have not disgraced her if that is what you are inquiring. I meant what I said, about caring for her. I make no attempt at hiding or denying my affections. To do so would be futile at this point.” He replied, a sigh leaving his lips as his fingers probed his temple. Solomon and him had never been close, and to have a conversation like this with him was proving difficult.

Sensing the struggle coming from his nephew, the ex Auror softened. He recognized the young man was attempting to open up to him, not seeing him as the enemy.

“She’s a remarkable young witch. Eleazar spoke highly of her talent. Hard to believe she only learned of magic recently. What she did for the man was selfless. The way she is with your sister, Gaunt, everyone… I can see why you care for her.” Solomon spoke as gently as he could, still finding the words foreign on his tongue.

“I feel undeserving of her affections if I’m honest.” Sebastian said, looking back down at the house. He knew a small part of his Uncle would agree with him, but that still didn’t stop him from uttering the words. Solomon truly wasn’t sure how to respond, knowing the young man would most likely not believe any attempts to disagree so he remained silent for a moment.

“The way she looks at you reminds me of how your mother looked at your father as if he had hung the moon himself.” The man spoke, gesturing towards Sebastian. “You may feel undeserving, however at the end of the day, her affections are hers alone to give. If she has chosen you, count it as luck, and do your best to avoid loosing it.”

Solomon pondered his life of failed relationships, how he dug his heels in at every woman’s attempts of loving him. He did not want his nephew falling into the same state. Even though the teenagers endearments were at time worrisome with possible undesired consequences, he truly enjoyed having the girl in his home. He enjoyed how much more mature his nephew had been as a result of her affections. At the end of the day he knew this strange girl, with her strange gifts, were the only thing that would snap Sebastian out of this dark road he’d slowly been going down since Anne was cursed.

“That’s what I need help with. I don’t want to lose her. I’m not sure how much Professor Fig shared of her responsibilities, but knowing every time she leaves the castle could be her last, it terrifies me. Knowing Anne may not be there to see us -“ Sebastian paused, eyes glassing over at remembering the words his sister had spoken to Ominis last night. Solomon gently placed a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to calm him.

Eventually Sebastian was able to rope in his emotions to continue. “If I was to write to her father, how would I go about that? What exactly… what should I say? What do I offer? I understand that there’s a difference in how Muggles handle these arrangements, but how would I initiate…”

When Solomon realized what his nephew was asking his eyes unintentionally went wide, acknowledging the young man was serious.

“Sebastian, when I said that the other night it was out of anger, I do not expect you to-“ he started but was interrupted.

“I am asking because it is what I want. I did tell you when I finally got around to it, I wanted it to be my decision. The last two days have showed me a great deal of what I desire.” Sebastian replied.

“And what is it you want exactly?” His uncle asked, still fully unsure what he had planned.

“I would like to ask her father for her hand. I was able to read a tome in Hogsmeade and apparently the average muggle engagement lasts at the very least 1-2 years, often times longer. If I were to ask now, it would allow time over the next summer for me to construct somewhere for us to live, and once we are both 18 and have left Hogwarts we may do as we please. And, if Anne does take a turn for the worse, we can hasten that plan to at least allow her to see vows or something of that nature, since it is important to me that she be there.” Sebastian began to ramble of the loose plans he had been constructing while lying in bed last night. Once he finished he turned, expecting a mirage of different responses: possibly anger, frustration, annoyance, humor. He was not expecting Solomon to be nodding his head along with his words.

“Are you sure Sebastian?” He asked, attempting to gage the seriousness of the young man.

“Positive. You know, ha” Sebastian started, cutting off to chuckle before continuing as he pulled the razor from his pocket, passing it to his uncle. “She gave me this and the only thought I had was standing in a home of our own in the morning before work while she attempted to make the tea. That picture of spending our lives together has been the only thing keeping me from going insane for a while now. I - I can’t imagine coming home to anyone else.” He finished his train of thought.

“I suppose it is time I teach you how to use one of these” Solomon responded the small box back to him. His lighthearted comment eased Sebastian, as he was not sure what his guardian’s response would be to the request.

“So you’ll help with what to send to her father?” Sebastian asked.

“How about we head back and knock it out while your sister and her finish breakfast? Then we’ll tackle that peachfuzz.” Solomon offered with a small laugh and an outstretched hand.

“While I take offense to that later half, I would love that.” Sebastian responded, accepting the handshake.

#hogwarts legacy #ominis gaunt #sebastian sallow #sebastian sallow x reader #sebastian sallow x slytherin!reader #anne sallow #fluff #sebastian sallow x you #sebastian sallow/reader

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