#he jokes in the interview but god that quote makes me sad

[with-eyes-closed]

"When we go home, we go in early in the morning when we've finished a job, and the kids don't know you're at home. But if they find out, where I live, they get the drums out and beat it out! (laughs) 'Cuz it's a play street and, you know, there's no traffic or nothing bothering them. Once when the boys came for me-- they popped in to see me Mum and me Dad, you know-- we had to go out the back 'cuz there were twenty or thirty outside. And they wouldn't believe me mother, you know, knocking and saying 'Can we have their autographs.' So it built up so much. There was about two hundred kids all around the door, peeping through the window and knocking. In the end, me mother was ill, you know-- terrified out of her life-- with just all these kids and boys and girls, you know."

Ringo Starr, 1963.

#he jokes in the interview but god that quote makes me sad #especially knowing how much worse it gets #but yes #ringo's the hottest one actually?? #his smile really does light up a space #ringo starr #1963 #beatles edits #the beatles

[charliesgoodboy]

♠︎bill kaulitz(2010) x male reader(nsfw)

♠︎genre: smut

♠︎warning(s): subtop bill, bill obviously whimpers like what, unintentional edging, begging, praising, yall fuck in a car, bill gets a lil sad, bill and reader are considered rivals, reader is a little (A LOT) bit full of himself, um if you have a shaved head or something here you dont(dw hair type isnt mentioned bae🤞🏾), ik when smart phones were made its just satisfying to write about them, spit as lubricant

♠︎a/n: yall the way im way more happy writing for tokio hotel

♠︎extra: this is long, official smut starts at about paragraphs 13-14

your band and tokio hotel were considered 'rival bands' you didn't necessarily like eachother, especially you and bill. bill loved your singing, your voice was beautiful but the thing is that's what you bragged about.

each interview you would tell the public how much of a better singer you were, and how you didn't need your band. you apologized for the band part though, you loved your band and the joke came out wrong.

but you didn't apologize about the bill part, and even if you did you wouldn't mean it for shit. you didn't like bill because thing is, you were mostly upset because you did think bill was better at singing.

it was just a thing that happened and it started the rivalry in a way. but of course, few things happened. got a little tipsy, touchy, and in the end it wasn't just a one time thing.

later on, an interview between you and bill would come sooner or later. some nosy journalists would want to know of the two of you and your relationship. it wouldn't go as planned though the both of you knew that.

the people cheered for the two of you as you walked down the middle of the crowd, sitting down on the cushions of the individual chairs. then, the interviewer had walked in, sitting in front of the both of you.

"gosh, can't believe i was able to get the two of you on here." everyone laughed of course, hell if they hadn't known about ya'll than yes it is considered a miracle.

"yeah, yeah i guess so." you smiled crossing your legs on the wooden table, in which bill slid them off himself. he's already had enough of you. "so, um of course i'd like to ask how are the two of you? ever since a few months ago we haven't heard of your supposed 'rivalry'." he chuckled making air quotes with his hand,

god he really was nosy. "oh, well i would say-" you cut bill off, "i would stay i don't like him much, hate even." you didn't mean it obviously, it was just an on screen act obviously. hate is a really strong word but it just came out just to keep that image to the public eye.

"hate?" you nodded, "that's what rivals are right?" bill also nodded, his face having a forced smile as he just laughed it off. he knew it was just for others to keep the rumors or whatever going but to him it seemed so sincere.

did you actually hate him? with that, a few more questions were asked that were mostly answered by you, bill was thinking too much and seemed out of it. soon the show was ended and you and bill were walking back to the car.

the driver would be a while, a long while maybe. you sat in the back as bill sat in with you, a little close but it was usual to you. you were typing something up on your phone, it frustrated bill a little that you thought there was nothing wrong with what you said.

his hand went to play with your hair, not in any type of way just playing with it. "did you mean what you said?" you hummed before answering. " 'bout what," he shrugged his finger trailing down your side, now playing with the jewels on your belt. "hating me." scoffing, you flipped your phone down looking over at him.

"what? no, why would–" he had cut you off this time, turning your body over in a position where he was in between your legs, the look on his face was a mixture of sadness and anger, little bit of lust in there as well.

"seemed like you did.." his voice was a little more strained sounding now, his lips came in contact with the thin skin of your neck, placing light kisses on it along with a few bites as well. "hey– bill we can't do this right now." you tried to push him off of you but he kept pushing himself back. "please..i need to know."

his face had changed into a begging look, his fingers slowly working on your belt. you sighed rolling your eyes, "go on." he licked his lips, unraveling the belt out of your jeans loops, his hands then moving to the buttons of them unzipping them along then letting them slide off your legs and onto the cars floor.

you took a quick breath watching him play with the hem of your boxers before placing them with your jeans as well. "if we get caught i swear to god.." bill started to work on his own belt, his erection already throbbing out of need just for you.

"uh-huh," he wasn't listening for shit, he was only left in the black mixed sweater and his necklaces but he took those off too, weirdly quick. if he wasn't about to gather saliva in his mouth you would have thought he would go in raw, but no he cared about you too much for that.

he let himself push the spit out as it landed onto his tip, his thumb spreading it over as he continued to make sure the rest of his length was ready enough for you. "fuck.." he flinched a small bit feeling himself get lost in his own pleasure as he did so,

making you grab the back of his neck so he looked right at you. "bill, i don't have all day 'cmon." he quickly nodded grabbing your hips and pulling you down a small bit your hands resting on the seat, and bills neck.

slowly, he had pushed himself in a shakey whimper bubbling past his lips as his hands tightened on you a bit. "just like that.." his head rested on your shoulder as he bottomed out on you biting his lip.

he loved the praise from you, it was amazing how you could sound rude and caring at the same time he enjoyed it. "bill." you whispered in his ear before he lifted himself up moving his hips back then snapping them foward.

"fuck— bill!" you loved your voice but he loved it more, the way you would scream for him or whisper to him telling him what to do it was like true love to him, which it better be. " 'm sorry.." he truly was but that didn't change anything. he only stopped for a moment,

before continuing on. he had only spat on his dick yet it still hurt and felt good at the same time, the semi-wet slaps against skin mixed with the small rocking noises of the car. he had been abusing right at your g-spot, making you almost see stars.

"shit– you're doing so good.." your hands smacked the back of the window, curling onto nothing making prints that you'd have to try and hide later on.

"mh..fuck (m/n).." his hair had gotten disheveled already, beads of sweat dripping on the sides of his temples, as you smiled a little looking at him. "so pretty.." all movements stopped when hearing the car doors unlock.

"god dammit..bill, move off." bill sulked as you made him pull out. "but i was almost there.." you hurried getting your pants on along with your belt throwing bill his clothes as well.

"we can finish later." bill put on his sweater and his pants as he looked outside seeing the driver walk out the building. "promise?" "yes! yes, i promise. get your necklaces on."

as long as no one outside snitched about the car obviously rocking then you'd be fine.

hopefully.

OMFG i finally like the endinggg(if u dont idc) @gaybitchfx @tokio-motel @secretivemessenger @esthxio @vyloy @lostsomewhereinthegarden @reallyromealone @bloodyfennec (babe..come back😭)

#male reader #x male reader #male y/n #male reader insert #tokio hotel x reader #tokio hotel x you #tokio hotel x male reader #tokio hotel smut #bill kaulitz x reader #bill kaulitz smut #bill kaulitz x male reader #dom male reader #bottom male reader #dom bottom reader #sub bill kaulitz

[iamnmbr3]

UGH I am furious. This interview with Mike Waldron, head writer of the Loki show, confirms all of my worst fears based on the trailer.  (x) 

My pitch for the show was kind of a big, crazy, fun time adventure,” says head writer Michael Waldron. “The TVA is just an entirely new world [with] a new cast of characters, and that’s what felt most exciting about the show: building a new corner of the MCU.”

Look at this! Not a word about Loki or his character or being excited to delve into his nuance or depth or feeling honored to write for him. Nope. What Waldron focuses on is how excited he is to introduce the TVA to the MCU. Once again we have someone in charge of Loki’s character who’s more interested in other characters and feels the need to knock Loki down in order to build other characters up instead of letting them all stand on their own strengths. 

I mean really? The exciting thing about the LOKI show is the TVA and the new characters? Not Loki? He doesn’t even get mentioned at all??! It’s exactly what I was afraid of based on the other promotional material. The trailers felt like they were focusing on Mobius and the TVA as the protagonists and villain coding Loki in his own series. The trailers also focus constantly on mocking and denigrating Loki and seem to take no interest in his character and have stripped him of his trademark wit and poise and turned him into the butt of every joke. 

The trailer is framed from Mobius’s perspective rather than Loki's and ironically, given the cringe inducingly bad “talky talky” exchange, he gets more lines than Loki does. And it hardly feels like Loki is even in the trailers even when he's technically on screen because he is written and framed with such little care that he doesn’t even feel like the same character. Even the posters are brown for the TVA not green for Loki. It felt like they were using Loki as a side character to get people to watch the TVA show. 

I hoped I was wrong. But the head writer himself has seemingly confirmed it. He isn’t excited about or interested in Loki’s character. He was excited about his own creations - an adaption of the TVA and the new characters that work there. That’s where his passion lies and where the focus of the show is. And based on the trailers, in order to make those characters seem cooler he’s seemingly trying to have them constantly get one over on Loki because he can’t write well enough to just actually make them good characters in their own right.

His pitch for the show was nothing Loki specific and he doesn’t care about Loki’s character. I should’ve known from the fact that they couldn’t even be bothered to get his hair length right even though it’s picking up right where Avengers left off and they literally could’ve just googled a screen shot to match it to. 

Well. I certainly hope to be proven wrong but I’m really disappointed. This quote just confirms all my concerns based on the trailers and other promotional materials. I’m so tired of the MCU disappointing me. They promised a show about Avengers/TDW Loki. That’s all I wanted. Instead they’re giving us some generic unfunny garbage instead. At that point just make a TVA show and give Loki his own show.

I’m so sad. I really hope I get proven wrong but it’s looking increasingly unlikely and if it turns out like this - and there’s every indication it will at this point (please Disney, prove me wrong!) - I will never trust Disney or the MCU again. I will be done with them as a company forever. I will engage in the fandom and that is it. Thank god for the Venom trailer so at least I have something to look forward to. 

#Mobius shut tf up challenge 2021 #loki tv series #loki tv series negativity #loki show #loki series #Marvel ridiculousness #Loki #loki 2021 #Marvel #MCU #my post #loki tv series interviews #loki tv show #loki tv

[cultofbeatles]

beatles links for when you're feeling sad 

when the interviewer spit on george 

“well, we just sort of wanked :o oops sorry!”

“can we talk about your quotes on lsd?” GASP

the whole ken dodd 1963 interview where they were all smiley and laughing 

george pushing john into oncoming traffic 

random singing in an interview followed by fighting 

oh how the tables have turned 

george smiling while ringo is working out how to play octopus’s garden

“morning paul!” “morning rich!”

i talk about george reacting to this boy a lot but it warms my heart 

something about the announcer telling the audience the beatles are so excited followed by a shot of ringo stoned makes me laugh 

paul waiting for his turn with ringo’s attention so he can show him a random painting 

john the baptist 

i don't even want to know why george was laying there 

“SHUT UPPP.”

“shut up while he’s talking..” 

ringo’s dance moves 

paul mccartney making mashed potatoes 

the good ‘ol shakespeare skit 

“if we did know we’d form another group and be managers.”

“thanks for the purple heart”

everything about this video 

“where could we go” “argentina?”

the way he screams gets me every time 

the beatles first radio interview 

“hey mister can we have our ball back!”

john throwing a pillow at paul 

eric lennon 

baby beatles

“what have you grown up to?” “29.”

“she looks more like him than i do.”

george speaks his own language i swear to god 

iconic george and ringo interview 

pattie and george interview 

learning about new cameras 

“why are you called the beatles?”

morons 

george dancing “aye i like it, do it again for me.”

george dancing again 

john dancing 

this is the saddest thing ive ever heard john say 

their dumb texas interview that includes the “john’s wife” joke 

george hitting himself in the face 

“you're the first person from liverpool i've met” “great.”

mockers 

george being cute and paul being moody 

john and paul doing impressions 

“we aint written no poetry”

these bloopers 

“they're entitled not to like us and were entitled not to have anything to do with us.”

“i don't mind whether i'm remembered or not” and he's now considered one of the greatest artists ever 

i'm sharing the yoko and john screaming in the studio bc it does make me laugh tbh 

cynthia..you deserved the whole world and i hope you're happy wherever you are. 

love by john lennon 

hey jude by the beatles 

i’m happy just to dance with you by the beatles 

do you want to know a secret by the beatles 

hello, goodbye by the beatles 

all together now by the beatles (it’s catchy. leave me alone)

the guitar solo in i saw her standing there 

john’s stand by me cover 

here comes the sun by the beatles 

in my life by the beatles 

keith moon’s cover of in my life bc i love it so so so much 

“and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.” <3

#I hope this cheers someone up #inspired by me having a sad day today #the beatles #the beatles links #the #beatles #John lennon #john #lennon #paul mccartney #george harrison #ringo starr #mclennon #starrison #the beatles moments #John lennon moments #paul mccartney moments #ringo starr moments #the beatles videos

[firstfullmoon]

what are some quotes that are so visceral they feel like a gut punch to you?

“A man's heart is a wretched, wretched thing. It isn't like a mother's womb. It won't bleed. It won't stretch to make room for you.”

— Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns

“At the trial of God, we will ask: why did you allow all this? And the answer will be an echo: why did you allow all this?”

— Ilya Kaminsky, “A City Like a Guillotine Shivers on Its Way to the Neck”

“I want someone to tell me what to wear in the morning. I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat, what to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, and who to love, and how to tell them. I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far I think I’ve been getting it wrong.”

— Phoebe Waller-Bridge, from Fleabag

“Les femmes de notre famille, nous sommes engluées dans la colère J’ai été en colère contre ma mère Tout comme tu es en colère contre moi Et tout comme ma mère fut en colère contre sa mère Il faut casser le fil.”

(The women in our family are all stuck in anger I have been angry at my mother As you are angry with me And as my mother was angry at her mother The thread must be broken.)

— Wajdi Mouawad, Incendies

“I know what I want: an ugly, clean woman with large breasts, who tells me: what’s all this about making things up? I won’t have any dramas, come here immediately!—And she gives me a warm bath, dresses me in a white linen nightdress, braids my hair and puts me to bed, very cross, saying: well what do you want? you run wild, eating at odd times, you could get sick, stop making up tragedies, you think you’re such a big deal, drink this mug of hot broth. She lifts my head up with her hand, covers me with a big sheet, brushes a few strands of hair off my forehead, already white and fresh, and tells me before I fall asleep warmly: you’ll see how in no time your face is going to fill out, forget those harebrained ideas and be a good girl. Someone who takes me in like a humble dog, who opens the door for me, brushes me, feeds me, loves me severely like a dog, that’s all I want, like a dog, a child.”

“I can feel myself holding a child, thought Joana. Sleep, my child, sleep, I tell you. The child is warm and I am sad. But it is the sadness of happiness, this appeasement and sufficiency that leave the face placid, faraway. And when my child touches me he doesn’t rob me of my thoughts as others do. But later, when I give him milk with these fragile, beautiful breasts, my child will grow from my force and crush me with his life. He will distance himself from me and I will be the useless old mother. I won’t feel cheated. But defeated merely and I will say: I don’t know a thing, I am able to give birth to a child and I don’t know a thing. God will receive my humility and will say: I was able to give birth to the universe and I don’t know a thing.”

— Clarice Lispector, Near to the Wild Heart

“I know that my phrases are crude, I write them with too much love, and that love makes up for their faults, but too much love is bad for the work.”

“I’m restless and harsh and despairing. Although I do have love inside me. I just don’t know how to use love. Sometimes it tears at my flesh.”

“But when winter comes I give and give and give. The excess of me starts to hurt and when I’m excessive I have to give of myself.”

— Clarice Lispector, Água Viva

“And that was what I felt when reading your book: that solitude.” “Imagine the solitude of the person who wrote it.”

— Clarice Lispector, from an interview

“suppose the body did this to us, made us afraid of love—”

— Louise Glück, “Crater Lake”

“When I put my hands on your body, on your flesh, I feel the history of that body. Not just the beginning of its forming in that distant lake, but all the way beyond its ending. I feel the warmth and texture and simultaneously I see the flesh unwrap from the layers of fat and disappear. I see the fat disappear from the muscle. I see the muscle disappearing from around the organs and detaching itself from the bones. I see the organs gradually fade into transparency, leaving a gleaming skeleton, gleaming like ivory that slowly resolves until it becomes dust. I am consumed in the sense of your weight, the way your flesh occupies momentary space, the fullness of it beneath my palms. I am amazed at how perfectly your body fits to the curves of my hands. If I could attach our blood vessels so we could become each other I would. If I could attach our blood vessels in order to anchor you to the earth, to this present time, I would. If I could open up your body and slip inside your skin and look out your eyes and forever have my lips fused with yours, I would. It makes me weep to feel the history of your flesh beneath my hands in a time of so much loss. It makes me weep to feel the movement of your flesh beneath my palms as you twist and turn over to one side to create a series of gestures, to reach up around my neck, to draw me nearer. All these memories will be lost in time like tears in the rain.”

— David Wojnarowicz, from The Half-Life

“A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort.”

— Gillian Flynn, Sharp Objects

“and cain said, There’s an idea I can’t get out of my head, What’s that, said abraham, There must have been innocent people in sodom and in the other cities that were burned, If so, the lord would have kept the promise he made to make to save their lives, What about the children, said cain, surely the children were innocent, Oh my god, murmured abraham and his voice was like a groan, Yes, your god perhaps, but not theirs.”

— José Saramago, Cain

“I’d like to jet-ski / straight out of this life because right now I am / way attached to real things like for instance / people how they are all so tender how they / love to just go walk around and someof them are / wearing pink now and it hurts me and they / bathe their dogs”

— Heather Christle, “This Is Not The Body I Asked For”

“The idea of deserving love. And then watching love being given to people who did nothing to deserve it.”

— Anaïs Nin, from her journal

“And he cries and cries, cries for everything he has been, for everything he might have been, for every old hurt, for every old happiness, cries for the shame and joy of finally getting to be a child, with all of a child’s whims and wants and insecurities, for the privilege of behaving badly and being forgiven, for the luxury of tendernesses, of fondnesses, of being served a meal and being made to eat it, for the ability, at last, at last, of believing a parent’s reassurances, of believing that to someone he is special despite all his mistakes and hatefulness, because of all his mistakes and hatefulness.”

— Hanya Yanagihara, A Little Life

“The veals are the children of cows, are calves. They are locked in boxes the size of themselves. A body-box, like a coffin, but alive, like a home. The children, the veal, they stand very still because tenderness depends of how little the world touches you. To stay tender, the weight of your life cannot lean on your bones.”

“Sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you've been ruined.”

— Ocean Vuong, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous

“I know we’ve just met but I feel like maybe / you’d feed me and tuck me into your big bed / and only touch me as you covered me with the comforter.”

— Kim Addonizio, “Party”

“The body has no thoughts. The body soaks up love like a paper towel

and is still dry.”

— Kim Addonizio, “Body And Soul”

“I don’t know how God can bear / seeing everything at once: the falling bodies, the monuments and burnings, / the lovers pacing the floors of how many locked hearts.”

— Kim Addonizio, “The Numbers”

“I keep wishing for you, keep shutting up my eyes and looking toward the sky, asking with all my might for you, and yet you do not come. I thought of you, until the world grew rounder than it sometimes is, and I broke several dishes.”

— Emily Dickinson, from a letter to Minnie Holland

“The unknowness of my needs frightens me. I do not know how huge they are, or how high they are, I only know that they are not being met.”

— Jeanette Winterson, Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit

“I used to be a hopeless romantic. I am still a hopeless romantic. I used to believe that love was the highest value. I still believe that love is the highest value. I don’t expect to be happy. I don’t imagine that I will find love, whatever that means, or that if I do find it, it will make me happy. I don’t think of love as the answer or the solution. I think of love as a force of nature - as strong as the sun, as necessary, as impersonal, as gigantic, as impossible, as scorching as it is warming, as drought-making as it is life-giving. And when it burns out, the planet dies.”

“As for myself, I am splintered by great waves. I am coloured glass from a church window long since shattered. I find pieces of myself everywhere, and I cut myself handling them.”

— Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

“I SAID I LOVED YOU AND I WANTED GENOCIDE TO STOP I SAID I LOVED YOU AND I WANTED AFFIRMATIVE ACTION AND REACTION I SAID I LOVED YOU AND I WANTED MUSIC OUT THE WINDOWS I SAID I LOVED YOU AND I WANTED NOBODY THIRST AND NOBODY NOBODY COLD I SAID I LOVED YOU AND I WANTED I WANTED JUSTICE UNDER MY NOSE”

— June Jordan, “Intifada Incantation: Poem 38 for b.b.L.”

“Maybe when I wake up in the middle of the night I should go downstairs dump the refrigerator contents on the floor and stand there in the middle of the spilled milk and the wasted butter spread beneath my dirty feet writing poems writing poems maybe I just need to love myself myself and anyway I’m working on it”

— June Jordan, “Free Flight”

“It’s not that I gave away my keys. / The problem is nobody wants to steal me or my / house.”

— June Jordan, “Onesided Dialog”

“What reconciles me to my own death more than anything else is the image of a place: a place where your bones and mine are buried, thrown, uncovered, together. They are strewn there pell-mell. One of your ribs leans against my skull. A metacarpal of my left hand lies inside your pelvis. (Against my broken ribs your breast like a flower.) The hundred bones of our feet are scattered like gravel. It is strange that this image of our proximity, concerning as it does mere phosphate of calcium, should bestow a sense of peace. Yet it does. With you I can imagine a place where to be phosphate of calcium is enough.”

— John Berger, And Our Faces, My Heart, Brief As Photos

“I wept and wept. I had come to believe that if I really wanted something badly enough, the very act of my wanting it was an assurance that I would not get it.”

— Audre Lorde, from “Zami: A New Spelling of my Name”

“You kiss the back of my legs and I want to cry. / Only the sun has come this close, only the sun.”

— Shauna Barbosa, “GPS”

“It has to be perfect. It has to be irreproachable in every way. (...) To make up for it. To make up for the fact that it’s me.”

— Suzanne Rivecca

“I hope it’s love. I’m trying really hard to make it love. I said no more severity. I said it severely and slept through all my appointments. I clawed my way into the light but the light is just as scary. I’d rather quit. I’d rather be sad.”

— Richard Siken, Self-Portrait Against Red Wallpaper

“We have not touched the stars, nor are we forgiven, which brings us back to the hero's shoulders and the gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it.”

— Richard Siken, “Snow And Dirty Rain”

“Love, for you, / is larger than the usual romantic love. It's like a religion. It's / terrifying. No one / will ever want to sleep with you.”

— Richard Siken, “Litany In Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out”

“The hardest thing still remains. It remains the hardest, to bear all the tenderness and only to gaze on.”

— Ilse Achinger, “Mirrorstory”

“i killed a plant once because i gave it too much water. lord, i worry that love is violence.”

— José Olivarez, “Getting Ready to Say I Love You to My Dad, It Rains”

“Mother says there are locked rooms inside all women; kitchen of lust, bedroom of grief, bathroom of apathy. Sometimes the men - they come with keys, and sometimes, the men - they come with hammers.”

— Warsan Shire, “The House”

“I’ll take care of you. / It’s rotten work. / Not to me. Not if it’s you.”

— Euripides, Orestes, tr. Anne Carson

“We have this deep sadness between us and it spells so habitual I can’t tell it from love.”

— Anne Carson, The Beauty of the Husband

“There is no question I am someone starving. There is no question I am making this journey to find out what that appetite is.”

— Anne Carson, Plainwater: Essays

“I wish I could peel all my sadness in one long strip off my skin & toss it in a bucket. No one would have to carry it. It would just sit there & be punished. It would just sit there & think about everything it’s done.”

— Chen Chen, “Elegy For My Sadness”

“There is too much or not enough room in my stomach for everything we will do to each other.“

— Adriana Cloud, “Bento Body”

#i am SO SORRY I got excited and this got way too long #w #compilation #khaled hosseini #ilya kaminsky #chen chen #anne carson #richard siken #june jordan #jeanette winterson #clarice lispector #hanya yanagihara #ocean vuong #louise glück #audre lorde #john berger #josé saramago #heather christle #david wojnarowicz #gillian flynn #emily dickinson #kim addonizio

[kaypeace21]

Rebel Robin podcast (ep 3 &4 analysis)

For those who haven’t read them yet. Here’s the analysis for podcast ep 1&2. Analysis of Rebel Robin book-here. And eastereggs from rebel robin novel- here.

So the main things I noticed in ep 3 was how Robin spying was shown as a huge NEGATIVE-and Mr Hauser got upset over her doing so. Robin listens to mr. Hauser’s phone call (like Karen with Mike in s3/ us gov spying on calls in s1) & on a different occasion Robin also eavesdrops on a private convo he is having with someone else in his classroom ( like El spying on Mike talking to Lucas in s3). And when he finds out about this he tells her how wrong it was to spy on other people like that. In the past, I also talked about how the theme of spying is shown for many other st characters ( in the show) and how it  isn’t romanticized like people think it is- here .

Anyways , Ep 3 ends with a call from a h*mophobic teen( Dash) telling Robin to “stay away” from Mr. Hauser cause he’s “dangerous”. Why he thinks he’s dangerous is solely for the fact he’s gay.I think this theme may come into play in s4 Hawkins (in relation to the satanic panic). In ep 4 Robin jokes to (gay) Mr. Hauser  : “ So what are you into... satanism?” (Sadly most queer people have been told over and over we’re going to hell for being gay/lgbt+. it’s sadly an almost universal experience.) For those unaware- the ‘satanic panic’ was a right wing christian movement in the 80′s that WRONGLY associated certain things with supposed satanism.  Just some of the many things they demonized : rock music , stephen king , wearing black,  horror/fantasy media, and of course queer people and d&d (hellfire club - the name is a a xmen ref but in the show it’s probably an inside joke about the satanic panic and people being scared of d&d). We see foreshadowing of the satanic panic hinted in s3 (in relation to d&d)- on tv the narrator asks if “satanism” (pans to d&d set) is to blame for the odd occurrances in Hawkins. And given how the s4 el-trailer had the clock say 3:00am for the “witching hour” also called “the devil’s hour” since it’s supposed to be a subversion of jesus dy*ing at 3:00 pm. And the possibility s4 may take place around Easter.  I think we’ll see that religious (Christian) extre*sm  causes many people in Hawkins to interpret the supernatural as ‘satanic’. And no , I’m obviously not talking poorly about all religious/christian people).

After this Mr. Hauser jokes how Hawkins is like “lord of the flies” and how he “worries” what would happen if teens were left to their own devices-like in the book. The themes in the book mostly focus on the dangers of ‘mob mentality’ and how human beings can become v*olent and turn on each other- if the safety of civilization disappears...

This I believe is foreshadowing - i mentioned in a post a while back (here). How movies on the s4 list had the theme of :  a supernatural event indirectly causing towns people to act irrationally and turn on eachother v*olently. Despite literal monsters attacking them from outside (they chose to turn on eachother instead). In the end some townspeople become the real monsters via mob mentality/v*oence/false witch hunts (the mist, the birds, etc). In ‘the birds’ (while people are hidding in a store)- they wrongly  blame certain characters for the supernatural chaos. Similarly, in ‘the mist’ (crowd of townspeople are trapped in a store) and some  start interpreting the monsters as being sent as punishment by god- some town’s people start quoting the bible and saying the only way to stop the punishment is to start “sacrificing the s*nners and nonbelievers”. BIG YIKES.ST references mapple street (where the wheelers and sinclairs live). It’s based on the twilight zone ep of the same name “The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street” .The ‘monsters’ of that episode -were the townspeople turning on eachother because they incorrectly think their own neighbors are part of an invading supernatural army. The enemy was actually the paranoia/mob mentality-not the supernatural force they feared.  And yes i do think this concept is linked with 80s satanic panic and will cause some town division/obstacles for our heroes to deal with . **I also think the s4 bts of the Hawkins blood clinic-may be used to show h*mophobia (linked to satanic panic) in the town. Like in one s4 movie “paradise lost”the punk rock boys who were into black clothes, rock music , horror/stephen king books- were accused by the town’s people of being gay AND have demonic powers that are k*lling fellow town’s people.

Mr Hauser says he thinks steve Harrington is Ralph from lord of the flies. And Robin disagrees saying he’s Jack. Personally- since this was when Robin didn’t know/hated Steve. I think Mr hauser is right that Steve is Ralph (one of the oldest boys) who’s “commitment to civilization and morality is strong”. But Jack  (perhaps the popular s4 kid Jake?) and his savage crew take control of the group and start trying to attack Ralph and his friends (steve’s crew- over satanic panic?). How this begins is -

 Jack, torments Ralph and others. And some kids begin to develop savage personalities, after someone claims to have seen a Beast (demongorgan?) in the woods. This creates fear among the boys, which allows Jack to access more power.Ralph gets into an argument with Jack, who splits from the tribe. Many of the other boys follow Jack, who uses fear to manipulate the boys into leaving Ralph. And Jack’s crew begin attacking Ralph and his friends.

----------------

Ok, next topic of ep 4- the sentimental part of my brain got emotional when hearing how upset Robin was. And than Mr Hauser-telling her she’s wrong and she’s not “broken” or “rotten” and “nothing about her needs to be fixed’” (got me right in the feels) . As a queer person- I feel like every lgbt+ kid/teen needs to hear what Mr. Hauser said to Robin. 

However,  the analytical part of my brain -did notice some easterggs/ series parallels.

The convo starts with them talking about music Mr hauser likes (such as Bowie). And transitions to Mr Haauser asking about things she likes, whether she’s being bullied, and he later tells her “ DON’T let other people’s small mindedness make you fell bad about yourself. you don’t need to change yourself-no matter what anyone else says” . And Mr Hauser than says him calling her the “weirdest girl in Hawkins” was a compliment (not an insult-like she initially assumed). 

This is remarkably similar to certain scenes in s1/2. In s1, Jonathan mentions musicians he likes such as Bowie, asks Will about what he likes,  and tells Will “don't like things cause people tell you you’re supposed to-especially not him (their dad who called him h*mophobic names)” . In s2, Jonathan tries to cheer Will up after asking if he's being being bullied. And calls Will  “a freak” (and says it’s a good thing) and he should be content with being a “freak “ and compares Will to Bowie ( who was openly queer since the 70s) . 

In ep 4, Robin also mentions how sad she is that her parents won’t let her ride her bike anymore cause their paranoid about her safety  (like what happened to Will in s2).

Robin (before Mr. Hauser comforts her) says she feels like she has a “rot” inside her  . This is a s2 eastergg that could be linked to either Will or El. Will says his now-memories are “growing”, spreading”, and killing.” Later Kali says the emotional pain caused by her father  caused a “wound” to “spread”. Later allusion-Brenner tells El she has a “terrible wound “ (“a rot”) that Will “grow, spread, and kill.”

The reason Robin rants about feeling like she has a “rot” inside her is because she’s being bullied, and  lost all her Hawkins friends and says  “maybe I’m broken maybe there is just something about me that drives people away? I’m the only common denominator-there’s something wrong with me! There’s something inside of me that’s just rotten and there’s nothing i can do to fix it”. Which 1)-poor Robin. 2) I feel like could easily be How Will feels in s4(who will be the same age as Robin is here in the podcast)- his dad abandoned him, all his hawkins friends are gone , the st s4 movies have h*mophobic bullying in them (and he was bullied in the past). In a interview Noah said Will in s4 “doesn’t really get along with people-it’s just him and Mike.”  I think it fits more so with Will than El . But they may feel similar:  it’s implied in s4 audition tapes she’ll be bullied too,  she moved away from her friends,  and her father (Hopper) fake “passed away.” It could easily be how both Will and El feel in s4- that there is  something “broken”/ “rotten” about them . In fact, in the rebel Robin novel there is even a character named Sheena. Sheena reminds me a bit of a mix between Will and el . She is very quiet, queercoded, and is often bullied. And she finds mean notes and other things stuffed  in her locker- placed there by bullies. A bit like how Will found the zombie-boy note in his locker. A teacher doesn’t stop her bullying just blames her and says “ This wouldn’t happen if you made it just a smidgen easier for PEOPLE to understand you.”(sort of reminding me of that Noah quote about s4 Will not getting along with most people/Jonathan saying not to change himself cause “people” say to). But sheena can be another name for Jane (there was also a 80s show character named Sheena who was psychic) so ...maybe foreshadowing of el/jane being bullied in highschool? Along with Will?

*It’s not a eastergg/parallel...just speculation. Unlike the rebel robin book... in the podcast (in multiple episodes) almost every time she opens up to Mr Hauser about her problems she says it’s ok for him to do the same and she’ll be supportive and listen. However, Mr Hauser (so far) always rejects her offer-much to her hurt/frustration. In ep 4, she asks if he has someone his “own age” he can talk to about his problems-which he says he does. Now... since in ep 4 Mr hauser is paralleled to Jonathan maybe Jonathan will have someone his own age to talk to about his problems (maybe his new friend Argyle?) We see similar to Mr Hauser giving advice/pep talks to (gay) Robin. Jonathan is always giving advice/peptalks to our (gay-coded) Will. But so far- Jonathan has no one he really emotionally leaned on in the same way (Will does with Jonathan). I also wonder if Will in s4 starts gets tired of how he always confides in Jonathan (but Jonathan never does the same with Will  in return)? Like Robin with Mr. Hauser?

#robin buckley #steve harrington #will byers #el hopper #jonathan byers #stranger things #stranger things theory

[awrestlinggirlwholoves80sbands]

Laid out cold, now we're both alone (part 2)

A/N: Hello, this fic is very important to me because I tried my best to give justice to such a cool idea and I hope I did a good job. Plus I don't do multichapter ofter, so this was a challenge. 

I wanna thank the lovely @livdonna for proofreading my work, you're literally the best <3. 

P.S. If you want to get tagged in the next chapters, let me know.

Summary: Nikki visits Mick to give him a very important task.

Warnings: Major Character Death,Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Drug Use, Angst, Overdose.

Pairing: Nikki Sixx x Tommy Lee

Chapter 1

Taglist: @slashscowboyboots @witchytombstonesmile @arnold-layne @emometalhead​ @i-dont-like-rice​ @nikki-sexx​ @smokeandmirrorz​

Mick was supposed to not give a shit about Nikki. He and the stupid drummer had tormented him and his wife for months on ends, making the whole tour a living hell and he didn’t need to have even more things to worry about. So what if his bassist decided to get addicted to heroin? He was a fucking dumbass but it wasn’t his problem.  He would end up killing himself and it wasn’t like Mick could have done something, not when his whole body was torturing him.

The only problem was that he cared, deep down. He cared about the fucker and hearing the news that he was gone forever hit him.  He lost one of his friends and the band all together in a day, what would have happened? He hated to admit he was scared about the future, it was hard to imagine Motley Crue without Nikki.

He sighed, turning off yet another discussion about his death. They didn’t call him yet but something was telling him that they had to release a statement soon.  Doc was probably freaking out somewhere crying for all his millions of dollars lost.

“Fucking Nikki, you had to die at the worst moment, didn’t you?”

“Yeah… sorry about that, man” A voice incredibly similar to Nikki said, making Mick jump up.

Nikki didn’t feel anything, one moment they were in the ambulance and the other they were on the beach.  He was confused for a moment before he remembered that Mick had a beach house, and stared at it for a bit. He didn’t know much about the guitarist, maybe almost nothing but he respected him so much.  He was one of the strongest dudes he had ever met.

The weirdest thing about all of this was probably how he was only able to feel certain things, no cravings or sand under his feet as he was walking, yet he would still feel guilt, fear, love, worry… it didn’t make sense but he wasn’t in the mood to question the universe’s rules.

People can’t see you until you decide to show yourself. You have to remember or otherwise they can’t hear or see you.

The voice still freaked him out, but at the same time he was grateful for it to be there… it made him feel less alone, which was great considering how he felt lonely for his entire life.

“You’re not alone Nikki, I’ll always be there with you, through highs and lows”

“God it sounds like a marriage vow, T-Bone”

“Well if I could I’d marry now…”

He shook his head, trying to get the memory out.  It wasn’t the time to be sentimental and risk fucking everything up, so he walked ( more like flew) through the front door and found Mick sitting on the couch.

“Fucking Nikki, you had to die at the worst moment, didn’t you?”

“Yeah… sorry about that, man”. The bassist hoped that he was heard, otherwise it would have been pretty embarrassing.

Mick visibly jumped at hearing Nikki’s voice and quickly turned around to look at him.  From his widened eyes and confused expression, he knew he probably looked fucking transparent.

“Okay first of all why the hell are you here talking to me if you’re dead? Then why the fuck can I see myself through you ?”

The black haired man just realized that he had no idea how to explain everything and be believed, he just went along with whatever the voice in his head was saying, but now it was different. He fumbled with his hand and realized he couldn’t feel them, while he tried to come up with the best way to explain to his friend how he was a ghost and why he was there.

“I died… I have no idea how I came back but I have unfinished business and I need to talk to you!”

The guitarist looked at him up and down, clearly skeptical.  However, there wasn’t much arguing… Nikki’s ghost was literally standing in front of him.

“Okay I have no idea if this is a dream, I’m dead or in a coma, or simply I drank too much but now I’ll grab some vodka and you’ll spill your little secrets as you like”.

Nikki smiled a bit… He honestly felt normal for the first time since he was brought back.  Having Mick joking was so familiar, usually Tommy was the aim of his jokes and they all laughed because they were all so unexpected…

Tommy. Thinking about him still hurt, again he wondered if he was okay and how much he missed him… but it wasn’t his time now.  He had other things to talk about as Mick came back into the living room with his glass.

“Mick… you gotta promise me that you won’t let Motley Crue die, that you will fight to keep the band’s legacy.”

The older man looked at him surprised, rolling his eyes.

“Well that’s a bit hard when our bassist and songwriter died!”

Rage and resentment were heavy in his voice but there was more : fear and sadness. Nikki felt guilty and he fucking hated it, it was so unlike him but he couldn’t help it… Mick cared about the band as much as he did.  He always said the band was his life, before heroin came into the picture, but it was also Mick’s and he probably destroyed everything.

“You will find another one, another bassist who is also a songwriter…” The words felt so foreign coming from his mouth.  They even hurt a bit but they were necessary.

“I know you care about this band as much as I do, Mick. I know how much you’ve worked your ass off in shitty bands, trying to find the one that was going to break… I might be dead but Crue can’t have the same fate”.

Mick scoffed, taking a long sip of his vodka.

“It’s not easy, it’s not like we can find the perfect match like we did. Plus, everyone will probably hate him for replacing you!”

The frustration was almost tangible, but there was something else… Mick was scared, he knew everything was about to fade away because of Nikki’s actions, he was already looking at the boat sinking. Nikki started to panic because his band had to live, even in his death! It was pointless and selfish but that was the only thing people could remind him of.

“If you give up, then Vince and Tommy will do the same! I know that you think no one will take you, but the truth is they will. Crue is what it is because of our vision, you are part of it and I’m asking you to keep it going. Think of this as my dying man’s wish… even if I’m already dead”

The older man’s grip on his glass got tighter, his eyes lost in thought as he was pondering Nikki’s words. It was hard to take in, hell that was an understatement, it was fucking insane and probably wouldn’t work but the bassist needed to have this false hope.

“It’s so fucking weird, you know? To realize you’re fucking dead yet here talking to me.”

He was deflecting, Nikki knew it, but didn’t want to push it too far. He learned to know Mick, he kept his promises and he was a hard worker and with a good dose of luck and jokes, you got him to your side.

“Yeah, do you remember how I said you weren’t going to make it in that interview? Well, karma hits like a bitch!”

“Mick might not make it , he drinks a little too much and it looks rough” Mick quoted, trying to imitate Nikki’s voice.

“Yeah and then you said something like I heard what you said and you’re dead, fuck I guess you were right” He laughed but Mick didn’t.

Oh c’mon so what if he was joking about his death? It’s not like anyone really cared about him.  They just saw him as a burden, which he was. Not his mom, nor his band or his Tommy would have really missed him… they would eventually move on.

“You’re a fucking idiot.” He said annoyed but his lips formed a small smile.

“I know, I know. Mick… please promise me that. If Crue is going to end, then my whole life didn’t mean anything! Ple…” He stopped himself, he was so fucking close to begging but he couldn’t. Nikki Sixx didn’t fucking beg, not in life or death.

“I’m thinking about it!”

He really meant the first part. He spent all his teenage and adult years creating the band of his dreams and making sure they conquered the world.  This band was his escape; his attempt at redemption after his shitty childhood. Nobody loved Frank Feranna but he didn’t care, he would become Nikki Sixx and be super fucking famous!

He didn’t need anyone’s love, except that he did.

“ I love you, Nikki.”

“ No you don’t, nobody does, T-Bone”

“Well I fucking do. You gotta pass on my dead body before you’ll hear me not saying it over and over”

His heart might have stopped, but he still felt the big wave of nostalgia hitting him. He couldn’t do it, he would have never been ready to see him again.

“Okay, I will. But listen to me, it won’t be easy and I’m an old man with a fucked up back, so don’t send demons against me if I fail!” The little spark of determination in his eyes relaxed Nikki, he was on board.

“I fucking knew you were the best, Mars! If I wasn’t dead I’d probably tattoo your face on me as a thank you!”

“Oh gross, never say that again!” He pretended to be disgusted but his eyes betrayed him, the small softness in them told Nikki he felt touched.

“Who knows, maybe in hell they have tattoos for the ghosts. God we used to hate each other and now we are two peas in a pod.”

“I still hate you.”

“Ugh, you crushed my heart Mick”

The guitarist flipped him off, rolling his eyes. Nikki desperately wanted to keep talking, if he did then he could have pretended nothing changed, right? He didn’t have to face Vince and Tommy and go through the light… everything would have stayed the same or he could fool himself that it would.

I think it’s time to go to the next person.

The voice was demanding yet still calm. Nikki knew that he couldn’t stay forever, they had to prevent spirits from just lingering into the real world like that, it made him a bit angry but he understood it. It wasn’t like he could have done much anyway…He was just a shell of what he used to be.

“I gotta go Mick…” He wanted to punch himself because he sounded so fucking pathetic, but the other man gave him a compassionate smile.

What he fuck are you, a little small puppy? Oh look Frankie is scared to leave his illusion of a family.

Mick walked him to the other without saying anything, but before turning the handle, which was pointless because Nikki could have just passed through the door, he broke the silence.

“Try to give us some signs, okay? Show us that you’re there… but don’t you fucking dare spill my vodka or I’ll make you two times dead!”

“Oh that’s exactly what I’ll do, thanks for the suggestion!”

He stepped outside and looked at Mick one last time.

“You promised, alien. You gotta do it!”

“Yeah yeah, you better repay me when I come to join you there…” And with one last look, Mick closed the door.

Nikki felt all of the weight crushing down on his body, even if it was made of air. He simply stood still, his mind racing like a freight train, trying to take everything in but also getting ready for his next move… being overwhelmed was an understatement, he felt peeled down like an orange and this was only the beginning. He felt like a fucking coward but he just wanted to get over it, was it that bad to accept his fate and disappear without facing anyone?

You are going to abandon him again? You know why you need to talk to Vince, and you know this will be your last chance to see him, asshole!

He went to kick the sand, but he couldn’t touch it. God, how frustrating was that!

So where are we going next?

Nikki would have wanted to scream at him, give him the middle finger and just run away but it wouldn’t have been helpful, would it? So he forced himself to be as neutral as possible.

“Vince Neil. Take me to his house.”

#nikki sixx #Tommy Lee #mick mard #vince neil #motley crue #motley crue fanfiction #80sRock #80s rock band #fanfiction #my writing #tommy lee x nikki sixx

[legendaryoikawa]

ares / suna rintarou / masterlist

pairing: suna x female reader

word count: 2k

synopsis: your stalker must’ve adore you so so much, he intends to kill for you.

quote:  “If you're that obsessed with someone, why would you kill her? Humans are full of contradictions.” - Ai Yazawa

genre: stalker!au, caters mature themes such as manipulation, voyeurism, public masturbation, murder, violence coercion, borderline obsession. 

note: i do not condone these behavior in real life. this is just a work of fiction. 

minors dni

taglist: @boosyboo9206 @dokisaki (can’t tag) @godjo@flavostella02 @heykoutaro (can’t tag) @aleacarnin@licitix@katsukis-sad-angel@k-sakura @dokisuki (can’t tag) @black-water-78​@throughtheinterstices​ @iloverarepares @newfriendjen @aizawaslovebot @ratatouille407​ @midnightartist​ @ya-kkun​ @daicrie​ @mochipk​ @kanesshiiweeb​ @134340-cm​ @svgafresh​ @annexerca​ @neavil​ @paigypol (can’t tag) @aggressivelyshoutsokay​ thank you for the love and support!

BE PART OF MY TAGLIST HERE

Truly an ace of all fools. 

Ares, the god of war. As Homer called him, murderous, bloodstained, the incarnate curse of mortals.

Name it, Suna knows every possible if not, unique ways to kill. He prefers the crowbar as it’s efficient and easy enough to send a person to their graves. For his very own pleasure. It fuels him especially when he sees those eyes that were once full of life drown down to darkness of death. 

Suna is known as one of the notorious lads at school. He never fails to leave an astonished look to every person he has passed by at school. People are stunned whenever he walks down the hallway with his school shirt unbuttoned and crumpled. His overall appearance is unruly with the noticeable scars that lingered on his face like ches. His disheveled jet black hair. Eyes that bore nothing but darkness. Chains dangling from each of his ears. His aura that is explainable and unassailable that could even strike the thunderbolt of the great god Zeus. 

Suna is handsome. He looks like bad news. Wild.

He wielded an enormous influence among girls. Some swoon at the mere sight of him; others even resorted to some chase yet ended up a crying mess. Boys even fall for his charms, but one sharp glance is enough to wave them off like flies. 

However, you on the other hand are not fazed by him nor his silhouette. Which made him to be drained by a pure soul like you. 

Suna is so private and closed like an abandoned establishment and that could be the sole reason why people want to pry into his life. He had everyone controlled on the palm of his hand but he can’t seem to play with you like he initially plans to. 

Suna has the patience of a boar. He shows signs of violence that it’s alarming. But people seem to be in love at his bad boy facade, no one dares to report him.

 He is a living contradiction. Suna is a ride, a deadly one.

He comes to school with his boisterous friends that look exactly like how he presents himself. You can always hear their uproarious banters about their lives, endless wolf-whistling. They are the group of boys you wouldn’t want to mess with. Especially the mysterious Suna. 

You made a promise to get the shit out of the tracks that had traces of the boisterous boy that is  Suna. 

Not just the boys that have brought out the never ending fiasco circulating around your highschool. There have been a high number of mysterious disappearances of students that you may have never heard of or slightly familiar to you that you cannot recall. Their skulls are cracked open with a brute force or a bullet to the head. Some are strangled, some are mutilated, and what makes it terrifying is that most of the victims are leading down to you.

You can still remember how Kang Hana spent her afternoon with you in the library for a philosophy project. You admit it yourself that Hana isn’t the preferable company. She’s too nosy, noisy and quite violent towards you as she keeps on hitting you on the arm whenever you spill something stupid. Nevertheless, you held no grudge towards the girl. And you were really stunned at the news of her sudden death. 

Oh, you didn’t know someone was watching from the windows of the library outside. Irritability bubbles inside his body like a brook. He allows no one to go near you, let alone to hit you like a ragged doll. He always had a thing for you, he didn’t know when it started but by the way you looked at him like you are almost something to be disregarded. He is drawn to you like a moth to the flame.

It is always in Suna’s system. His mind is a bully, gushing him to do things that would make him thrilled, something that could awaken his fantasies. 

He wants to kill. And he did. 

He stood in all his glory, wearing his uninterested look while scrutinizing the other students walking along the hall. There at the lockers he spots Kang Hana awkwardly fumbling with the entangled bag straps. 

His dark eyes bore into Hana’s figure. Eyeing her from head to toe. At this moment he is thinking of what he can possibly do with those limbs. Break it? Smash it? Mutilate it like how they do in the slaughterhouse? Suna approaches her figure, his switchblade ready in his windbreaker’s pockets. 

He breaths, trying to muster his oh-so-charming smile. “Hey.”

Hana raises up her gaze and she is surprised that the notorious Suna is approaching her. Only if she knew his real intentions. “Oh my god. Hey.”

Suna is charming. Quite egocentric. It doesn’t take him long to persuade someone to sp with him or to go out on a date with him. If there is something you should be afraid about Suna, it is his ability to deceive people without them knowing his real motives. He has a calm demeanor but sometimes his arrogance fuels him to be so wild-driven. 

He leads Hana to the abandoned establishment at the rundown part of the town. He made sure to give her a signal to meet him outside where no witnesses could see them. It’s always a step when considering crime, get rid of witnesses. 

At this moment, Hana starts to get excited because she has foreseen what could happen. For her it’s sex. For him, it’s blood. Suna draws his switchblade near her carotid artery. She widens her eyes but laughter resonates in the eerie place. 

She purrs. “I am a kinky person but I can try knife play.”

Suna doesn’t play. He draws the knife deeper to her neck until she realizes he is not joking at all. Kang Hana’s heart made a beeline for her throat and tried to make a f for her life but Suna had his strong hand gripping her hair. 

She struggles but after every move she dares, the knife further penetrates her neck. Beads of sweat are dropping down to her cheeks. A hot sticky liquid from where the knife is trickling down her neck, dampening her collarbones down to her bra. She cries loud. “What do you want?!”

Suna smirks. He misses the familiar scent of blood flooding in his nostrils. “Your life.” 

Her eyes widened in pure horror as the charming prince transformed quickly as a ruthless psychopath in just the blink of her eye. Hana tries to fight against his hold once again but Suna wants to finish off and not to take care of a wailing woman. 

He repeatedly lash out the knife through her neck. The impact of his pounds set out her blood gushing out, splashing his pale cheeks. His right hand is dripping with her hot blood. Suna’s chest rose as his breathing became ragged but overall he felt so alive and content. He stares at Hana’s figure sprawled on the floor bathing with the pool of her own blood. Suna felt so driven with just crimson clouding his vision. He runs his tongue on the rows of his pearly teeth, a sinister smile tugging the corners of his lips. He did it for you. 

The following days have been hell for you. No, you weren’t killed but you faced a frightening number of police interrogations for the victims were always drawing down to you. Like Hana, you were the last person she was with before her neck was slashed out like a cow in the slaughterhouse. The pulse of a blue and red strobe from the police mace being parked in the circular driveway. You stare at the officer's badge, his holstered Glock. The night air settles the eerie night, still, gauzy full of humidity. 

The interview lasts about a good hour but you are deemed innocent as Hana’s whereabouts where the crime took place didn’t match your activity. Her clothes are missing on the spot but the investigators found it drenched in this liquid they believed was an oxygen producing detergent didn’t match. Since the laboratory personnel couldn’t get any fingerprints from her body, it has been declared useless for the crime.

It has been weeks since you find yourself able to breathe again but it didn’t last long when you were bombarded with unknown and creepy messages that you couldn’t withstand at all. 

I know you. From everything you do, I know it all. 

You belong to me, your full name. 

I find it romantic to see how excited you look whenever I send these messages. Shall I start sending my pictures as well? Or the throne I made for you?

From morning you go to your mother’s flower shop to gather primrose to deliver to your grandfather that lives in the twenty second street downtown. 

Your favorite thing to do is to draw, my sweet. I am right, am I? I’m always right. 

I saw you talk to that small loser from class D. Now don’t ever talk to him again or you will see his head delivered right at your doorstep. I love you and I’m being the nice guy here. 

Do you perhaps like the idea of your friend's limbs personally delivered to you? Your pick. 

I am always watching you, your name.

Oh, you had a museum date with your friends? Don’t go, I am at your grandmother’s restaurant, she serves the ultimate broth soup. Too bad I can stop her from serving these delicacies. 

I know deep down, you love me too. Don’t you ever try to date behind my back without telling me. I did kill for you. 

Your parents aren’t home. Do you want me to visit?

So much love for you. Your long secret admirer :) 

I love you. I will kill for you. 

He isn’t joking. He knows everything about you. All the meticulous details no one knows but your family. Whenever you receive a message from him, your heart would pound against your rib cage. It terrifies you to the core that he exactly knows the precise details of your whereabouts.

 You immediately reported this matter to the police, to your parents but it didn’t settle the problem. The number isn’t traceable. They keep on insisting that the number used is from an unregistered sim. You fear for your life, your personal space, everything. 

You weren’t just experiencing the never ending terror of your stalker’s messages. But some of your things are now starting to disappear, from your bracelets, your baby pictures now, now, your white lacy underwear. 

You are blissfully unaware of the pair of eyes that follows every movement as you exit the school grounds. He looks down on his hand, gripping his favorite underwear of you. He had a picture when you wore the garment, and it was his favorite among all. 

He makes his way to his heavily tinted car, a smile never leaving Suna's face as he clutches the garment tightly on his hands. His soulless eyes stared back at him the moment he stared at the rear view mirror. And drives to the nearest convenience store. 

He keeps on fantasizing about you. The way your name rolls out of his tongue while jerking out never fails to send himself to ecstasy. He can’t wait to meet you, but one thing he is sure of, he will be watching you tonight. 

Suna is always a step ahead of his plans. He is meticulous and calculative. His plans never backfire for he knew what methods to use. For the days he has been killing he already knows how to get rid of evidence that could lead to him.  The boy’s got a sharp tongue as well, a serpent’s, he uses lies to cover up the real  Suna that hides behind the charming facade he puts front. 

He wore black. Black that is a mystery. Eerie. He wears a black bucket hat that covers his beautiful features that compliments his youth. Despite the dusk ebbing its way, his moles are always as alive as the constellation. He secures his mask tighter on both ears, as appealing as it sounds, he cannot show his face to you, just not yet. He had a thing to do, he had something to accomplish.

“Just in time” he breathed into the shadows. His eyes follow your figure marching down the dim lit streets. A smirk paints his lips as you still try to swat everything and thinking to yourself everything is still normal. But no, not until he is dead. He could have easily needle out your background from Kita but you were his and it gives him satisfaction whenever he discovers something about you. Things that aren’t open for others but just for him. 

He immediately hid behind a large tree, once you entered your home. He makes sure to secure a great and measurable distance from him to you, not so far yet so near. He clenches his fist, the idea of watching you undress from your windows sends him a big wave of pleasure. 

He begins to scramble up trying to get a hold of the strongest branch his forearm could manage. Some twigs tried to interrupt him midway but nothing can stop a hungry predator from lurking on his prey. He finds the perfect spot just parallel to your window.

“Fuck” he hiss as he felt his phone vibrate from his pocket. “What it is now  fucking Atsumu?”

“Lover boy, I forgot to place your camera in your bag, bye.” 

The camera is not his top most concern. He has his phone that is full of you. 

You were humming quietly. He follows your hands, removing your school blouse that left the boy’s mouth agape. His cock immediately hardens at the sight, and he cannot risk himself to jerk while on the tree. He scrambles immediately, carelessly fishing out for his phone to take a picture of you naked. 

Suna is always not satisfied with the bare minimum. He records you, doing your private thing in your room. He is biting hard on his lips, his erection sticking out painfully against his pants. He has to endure much longer till you have finished your routine applying lotion to your shiny long legs. Those legs that he can’t wait to touch. 

Suna left the place shortly. He’s astounded. You drive him wild and wild he is. You fuel the monster more. 

#haikyuu #haikyuu!! #haikyū!! #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x reader #suna headcanons #haikyuu suna #suna x reader #suna rintaro scenarios #suna rintarō #suna rintaro x y/n #suna rintaro angst #suna rintaro x you #suna rintaro x reader #suna rintaro smut #haikyuu smut #haikyuu oneshots #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu angst #haikyuu horror

[impala666]

The One With The Stoned Guy Part Two (Amuse Bouche)

Sorry it took so long! But here is the next part to the Friends Rewrite. I’m just kind of writing when I find time. Enjoy all!!!!!!

Last Part (Part One), Series Masterlist

It was the next morning and the night before was the first night where you actually slept at Bryan’s apartment, you didn’t even go to yours and Ross’s apartment. But no you found yourself walking toward Monica and Rachel’s apartment for early breakfast before everyone went off to work or in your case school and the work. “Good morning,” you cheered with a smile. Everyone in the living room bid you a good morning in return while Joey sat there and stared at you with that same sad dog expression. So Ross must have told him that you never went home. “So, I heard you didn’t make it home last night.” Rachel confirmed your suspicions, but apparently Ross just decided to up and tell everybody.

“Yeah, last night was my first night actually staying there,” you smiled brightly at her when you thought about all of the adventures that you had with Bryan.

“You really like him, don’t you?” Rachel asked as she scrunched up her face and came closer to you to make your conversation a bit more private. You were about to answer her when all of a sudden the apartment door slammed from behind you. 

“Can you see my nipples through this shirt?” Your big brother asked after he entered. He made sure to lift up his suit jacket so that all of you could have a good look. 

“No,” Rachel answered for him as she carefully looked. “But don’t worry I’m sure they’re still there.” You laughed at her harmless joke. 

“Where’re you going Mr. Suity-Man?” Phoebe asked him from her spot in the living room next to Ross.

“Well,” Chandler reached into his inside jacket pocket and pulled out a business card. “I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counselor a-go-go.” You listened to him as you took a seat on the couch, but realized that you sat too close to Joey like you used to. So you had to awkwardly slide in the opposite direction no matter if it made you a little upset and Joey very. “I added the a-go-go.” Chandler emphasized as all of them ignored the thing that just happened. 

“A career counselor?” Rachel asked him, wondering why he was going to see this guy. 

“Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.” Chandler whined to you all as he started to get defensive. 

“I don’t,” Rachel chimed in. 

“Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You have goals, you have dreams. I don’t have a dream!” Chandler declared. But no matter how serious he tried to come across as, you all still found it a little funny. 

“Ah, the lesser-known “I don’t have a dream,” speech.” Ross called Chandler out on his mistake. 

“Y/N/N?” Chandler asked and placed his hand on your shoulder so that you would turn in your seat and look at him. “How did you know you wanted to go to Esthetician school?” He only asked because you had taken such a big leap to follow your dreams even if it made a few other people unhappy.

“I don’t know really. I just never really enjoyed or got into anything that I was learning while I went to college. But I always enjoyed skin and skincare and makeup, so once I actually found a career in it. I just decided to go for it.” You explained. “And even though it was terrifying at first, I know that it was the perfect decision.” Chandler couldn’t find words, he was just so proud and jealous of you. He just wished that he could find something that he was just as passionate about. 

“Oh, I love my life! I love my life!” Monica cheered as she had just gotten back from an interview with that restaurant guy. She was beaming from ear to ear and it looked like it hurt. 

“Oh, Brian’s Song.” Phoebe guessed, thinking that Monica was quoting a song. 

“The meeting with that guy went great?” Rachel asked her after Phoebe’s strange outburst. 

“It was so great. He showed me where the restaurant’s going to be. It’s this cute little place on 10th Street; it’s not too big, it’s not too small. It’s just right.” Monica beamed as she shared her experience for her new job opportunity. 

“Was it formerly owned by by a blonde woman and some bears?” Chandler joked, when Monica accidentally quoted the famous nursery rhyme. 

“So, anyway I’m cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of like an audition.” Monica continued as she just ignored everything that Chandler just said. “And Phoebe he really wants you to be there,” she explained as she made her way over to the woman in the living room. “Which would be great for me because then you can make oh’s and ah’s and you can make yummy noises.”

“What’re you going to make?” Rachel asked Monica. 

“Yummy noises,” Phoebe answered instead, acting like it was obvious.

“And Monica, what are you gonna make?” You asked, changing the question to one that everyone could understand. 

“I don’t know. It’s just got to be so great.” Monica answered you as she walked over to her shelf of cookbooks to try and come up with some ideas. 

“Oh! I know what you should make.” Phoebe announced as she ran over to join Monica and Rachel in the kitchen. Almost knocking you down in the process as you made your way over to them, as well. “You should make that thing with the stuff.” Phoebe said as she sprinkled imaginary spices into her hand. “You know that...thing.” She just couldn’t think of it. But Phoebe could tell she wasn’t getting through to any of you. “Okay, I don’t know.” She finally gave up. 

“Hey, guys. Does anyone know a good date place in the neighborhood?” Ross asked, changing the subject. 

“Uh, how about Tony’s?” Joey suggested, and seeing as you used to date him you could see where this was going. “If you can finish a 32 ounce steak, it’s free.” Ross looked up at you for confirmation to see if he ever took you there.

“Yeah, no. That was the date from hell.” You felt bad for saying so, but it was true. 

“You said you loved it!” Joey whined. 

“Yeah, but we couldn’t finish because no human can, so you got upset and left, sticking me with the cheque.” He treated you like a queen, but you had to call a spade a spade. That date stunk. 

“Okay, does anyone know a good place if you’re not dating a puma?” Ross asked again as he joked at Joey’s answer. 

“Who are you going out with?” Chandler asked him with a chuckle. 

“Oh! Is this the bug lady?” Phoebe asked Ross. 

“I love you, Ross.” Rachel joked as she started buzzing like a bug and using her fingers as antennas. 

“Her name is Celia. She’s not a bug lady. She’s curator of insects at the museum.” Ross defended. 

“So a bug lady?” You asked since Ross was trying to be technical, but he knew that you were messing around. 

“So, what’re you guys gonna do?” Monica asked as she flipped through a cookbook at the table. 

“I just thought we’d go out to dinner and then bring her back to my place and I’d introduce her to my monkey.” Ross sounded like he was 100% joking but when you looked at him his face was serious. 

“And he’s not speaking metaphorically.” Chandler mumbled to himself. 

“So, back to your place. You’re thinking maybe, heh-heh?” Joey asked Ross as he implied sex. 

“Well, I don’t know heh-heh.” Ross said under his breath to Joey. “I’m hoping heh-heh. So Y/N can you steer clear of the apartment tonight.” You nodded even though you had nowhere to go since Monica had her dinner tonight and you and Joey were broken up. You would have to just go back to Bryan’s, oh well. Too bad. 

“I’m telling you-that monkey is a chick magnet. She’s going to take one look at his furry cute little face and it’ll seal the deal.” Joey promised him. 

*******

It was later in the evening, all of you were back at Monica and Rachel’s while Monica tried out some new recipes to have all of you try. Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel sat at the kitchen table. While you and Bryan sat alone in the living room. You really were surprised at how well everyone was getting along with Bryan, including Joey. They weren’t really best friends because clearly Joey still harbored some feelings, but they were able to be in a room together. That was all you could ask for. The both of you sat on the couch talking with Bryan’s arm wrapped around your shoulders. Bryan was about to continue the fire story that he had been meaning to tell you, but he jumped out of his seat when the apartment door slammed shut from an aggressive force. “Oh, my God. What happened to you?” Rachel asked, you kneeled on the sofa to turn and look who had entered. It was Chandler with his shirt unbuttoned slightly and tie loose, with a stack of folders looking he had had a day. 

“8 and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests and what do I learn?” Chandler also seemed a little on edge. “You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational cooperation.” Chandler read off of the test result that he had gotten. 

“That’s so great! Because you already know how to do that!” You cheered him on sarcastically. Bryan chuckling quietly as he looked up at you. 

“Can you believe it? Don’t I seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool?” Chandler asked all of you as he paced along the kitchen, half-heartedly waving to Bryan without looking at him. “I just always pictured myself doing something…something.” Chandler frowned down at the floor as he lightly stomped his foot.  

“Oh, Chandler, I know.” Rachel got up from her seat and half hugged the man as she patted him on his chest. “I know. Oh, hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt.” But Rachel’s realization did not seem to help Chandler as he turned his head and glared down at the woman. 

“Here you go. Maybe this will cheer you up.” Monica tried as she offered Chandler a plate of mini food. 

“Ohh, you know I had a grape about five hours ago. So I better split this with you.” He joked again as he tried to push passed his disappointing day. 

“It’s supposed to be that small, it’s a pre-appetizer. The French called it an Amuse Bouche.” Monica taught all of you. So Chandler took one for the team and popped one into his mouth, when suddenly he wasn’t as upset at the moment. 

“Well, it is amoozing.” Chandler joked even though he couldn’t help but get where Monica was coming from. 

“You’re friends are so weird.” Bryan said quietly to you as he deeply chuckled. 

“I know,” you beamed. “Isn’t it amazing.” You smiled at him in return and Bryan wrapped an arm around your waist as he pecked a kiss to your forehead. 

“Hello?” Monica said as she answered the phone that had started to ring a couple seconds ago. “Oh, hi, Wendy. Yeah 8 o’clock. What did we say, ten dollars an hour? Okay, great. I’ll see you then. Bye.” Monica hung up the quick phone call and you couldn’t help but notice the hurt and surprised look on Rachel’s face. 

“Ten dollars an hour for what?” Phoebe asked, before Rachel could jump to conclusions. 

“Oh, I asked one of the waitress’s at work to help me out.” You couldn’t help but cringe when Monica didn’t even realize her mistake. 

“Waitressing?” Rachel asked in surprise. 

“Uh-oh,” Joey sang as he stood up from his chair. 

“Of course I thought of you, but...but,” Monica couldn’t even think of an excuse. 

“But-but?” Rachel repeated for her, you could tell that she was starting to get a little upset. 

“But you see this night had to go perfect, you know.” Monica’s excuse was already flimsy. “And well, Wendy’s more of a...professional waitress.” She really was just digging herself in deeper. 

“Oh. I see, and I’ve sort of been maintaining my amature status so that I can waitress in the Olympics.” Rachel joked to hide her hurt. 

“You know, I don’t mean to brag, but I waited tables in Innsbruck in ‘76.” You added to try to make the conversation a bit more lighthearted. But Rachel did not find it funny at all when she glared at you, so you shrunk down and hid behind Bryan for protection. 

“Amuse Bouche?” Chandler offered Rachel the plate of food to try and diffuse the situation. You were about to kiss Bryan when he leaned in, but a voice made you jump up.

“Hey, Y/N.” Joey’s voice rang out.

“Yeah?” You asked, wondering what could be so important that he was interrupting your moment with Bryan. 

“We’re still on for hanging out, right?” He asked, you just furrowed your eyebrows at him. What game was he trying to play at? 

“Um, yeah. Sorry must have forgotten,” you tried to play it off. But even you knew that your face just read surprise. 

“Great, see you then,” Joey smiled. So then you tried to play it off with a smile, but you were breaking when you felt Bryan look at you with slight confusion.

Taglist:

@vampiregirl1797

@kellysimagines

 @shizzybarnaclee

#friends rewrite #friends #Joey Tribbiani #joey tribbiani x reader #reader #bing!reader #sister!bing #chandler bing #monica geller #ross geller #rachel green #phoebe buffay

[nct-byeol]

⭐️byeol’s relationship with nct 127

🌙taeil & byeol

relationship: mentor

byeol has jokingly used informalities with all the older members, except taeil

she has a huge amount of respect for him

“i learn a lot from him, from basic survival skills to how to have an incredible singing voice”

taeil isn’t known for showing a lot of skinship but he always has a protective guard over byeol

like traveling in airports, he keeps her close and away from saesangs

both are avid sushi antis

one time the two were in the dorm alone

and taeil spotted a cockroach in the kitchen

and he knows byeol HATES bugs

so instead of killing it

bc he’s not going anywhere near that thing

he was like “okay let’s go out for lunch instead”

nobody ever found the roach.

taeil’s contact for byeol: “별🌟” (byeol)

byeol’s contact for taeil: “현명한 태일오빠” (wisest taeil oppa)

🐱johnny & byeol

relationship: americans (derogatory)

the absolve silliest of gooses

always quoting american media

it’s a problem

they binge watch basic movies all the time, like mean girls, pitch perfect

byeol was the one to convince johnny to grow out his hair

“you’ll look like the ultimate sexy guy”

“the what?”

there are also a lot of jokes he doesn’t get bc he’s a millennial

byeol quotes vines on the DAILY

“byeol what the fuck is a hurricane tortilla”

johnny said in an interview if he could fix anyone’s style it would be byeol’s

byeol was v offended

“it’s not that ur current style is awful or anything, you just need flavor!”

-_-

they also drink together. like a lot

johnny’s contact for byeol: “byeol⭐️💛”

byeol’s contact for johnny: “johnny오빠🍻”

🌹taeyong & byeol

relationship: newly weds

oh my god

the cutest people ever

both are clinging to each other

byeol does not sleep in her own room. always taeyong’s

taeyong is the best cuddler in all of nct she says

byeol just covers this boys face in kisses

always kisses his scar last

don’t fucking talk to me

oh my god when they’re both drunk?

clingy x127

like every era there’s a new rumor that their actually dating

sm is just bored of shutting it down and it brings them views so whatever

taeyong calls her pet names

like, married couple pet names

GOD THEYRE SICK

byeol once ranked the members hugs

taeyong was first bc “he’s soft and the perfect height”

haechan was last bc he squishes the shit out of her

they might actually be married and lying to us all who knows

taeyong’s contact for byeol: “별자기💕” (byeol sweetheart)

byeol’s contact for taeyong: “yongie오빠💛”

🦑yuta & byeol

relationship: most likely to fake their deaths and leave the country together

they share a closet

what’s yuta’s is byeol’s

and it would go the other way if byeol wasn’t tiny

they are the closest out of their relationships with everyone

natural chemistry

yuta is an active byeol-ta shipper

is he deadass, is he joking we don’t know

nicknamed the perv of the group, he set boundaries with byeol bc he is a respectful young man

byeol doesn’t have too many boundaries she just said stay out of he undergarments

to which yuta laughed and said too late

byeol was like. HUH

yuta had to explain for 5 minutes he was joking

along with winwin, byeol has to give him attention or he gets sad

byeol loves when he teaches her japanese

yuta’s contact for byeol: “スターちゃん⭐️” (star-chan) [idk if it’s actually right i’m sorry if it’s not]

byeol’s contact for yuta: “yuta-kun💛”

🐰doyoung & byeol

relationship: father and daughter

doyoung is the BIGGEST byeol protector

she is his BABY

he does simple little tasks for her like opening doors, tying her shoes, tucks her in when she falls asleep on the couch

byeol likes to pretend like she hates it but she doesn’t

makes her feel like a princess

in return she cooks and bakes for him a lot

even if she sucks at it sometimes

byeol also admires doyoung as a vocalist

she loves to watch him in the recording booth

and the “now i know” meme is her favorite

when it first went viral she sent it on bubble like seven times

crying of laughter

she’s a simple gal

doyoung’s contact for byeol: “별💛”

byeol’s contact for doyoung: “dad?🐰”

🍑jaehyun & byeol

relationship: roomies

their relationship dynamic is a fun one

they don’t have too many on camera moments

but the members could tell u about their shenanigans for HOURS

on the nights where byeol doesn’t sleep in yong’s room she sleep with jaehyun

since she’s moved in she probably hasn’t touched her own bed tbh

byeol says she texts jaehyun the most

the most common member to appear on jaehyun’s instagram

peaches duo v iconic

jaehyun has expressed many times he would love to do a duet with byeol but he doesn’t want her to outshine him

byeol likes to follow him to the gym and attempt his routine and usually collapses 15 minutes in

all the members says jaehyun flirts with byeol the most out of any other member

jaehyun’s contact for byeol: “peaches⭐️🍑”

byeol’s contact for jaehyun: “jay oppa🍑”

🐶jungwoo & byeol

relationship: what the fuck

these two are…

don’t let them near each other

loudest mfs

messiest mfs

they’re just fucking crazy

it’s sm worse when they’re drunk

don’t let them drink

they’re clingy and loud and byeol cries

the absolute silliest of gooses pt 2

nctzens got a lot of byeolwoo content during resonance as they both were in work it

they even sung the bridge together and they were both so happy about it

jungwoo’s contact for byeol: “별⭐️💚”

byeol’s contact for jungwoo: “jungwoo🤪💚”

mark and haechan’s are done in the nct dream version

#nct #nct addition #nct drabbles #nct female member #nct imagines #nct scenarios #nct 127 #nct 24th member #nct dream #nct u #nct dream 8th member #nct dream imagines #nctzen #nct 22nd member #nct 2020 #nct 2021 #byeol #hwang hanbyeol #hanbyeol #hhb.relationship

[captain-aralias]

Life stuff

this feels kind of weird, because i’ve never used my tumblr like this, but i would have written something on my livejournal, and i want people to know - i just dont want to have to tell people about it, or really talk about it at all. 

but i also wanted to write this, idk. 

(TW: impending death of a parent)

my mum has cancer. 

it’s a rare form of cancer, called peritoneal cancer, which is similar to but different from ovarian cancer - i think it mostly gets diagnosed (like my mum’s) when it’s too late to do anything about it. all the treatment has been palliative only i.e. letting her live as long and as comfortably as possible.

she was diagnosed in september last year - about a year ago, a few months after running the ‘virtual’ london marathon on the isle of wight, where she lives, and obviously deep in lockdown. 

as someone undergoing chemo, she was deemed extremely vulnerable to covid, and so she spent most of the early pandemic isolating. she also said she didn’t see any point in my brother and i visitng her, particularly given the risks, because we could talk via facetime - which is fair enough - all of which meant my brother and i didn’t go to visit her until May this year, after she’d done the first lot of chemo and was already doing much better again. 

a few months after that, we found out that while she’d responded really well to the chemo, her cancer wasn’t responding at all to the maintenance drugs that were suposed to stop it coming back, so she came off the drugs completely. medical advice was basically chemo is as effective whenever you do it, so you might as well enjoy your life for a while, we’ll monitor it every month, and when things start to get too bad, we’ll put you back in chemo. 

it’s friday tomorrow - so two fridays ago, i saw my mum in london after she’d just seen hamilton with her partner, graham. both of them loved hamilton. her hair had grown back, she seemed pretty normal. about a week later, she was in A&E - and she’s been in the hospital all week. she’s got a total bowel obstruction, which means she can’t eat and hasn’t eaten since last week.

now in a weird situation where there are a few tricky, difficult options (including being moved off the island back onto the mainland to a bigger hospital) that will mean that she stays alive long enough to get the chemo, which will probably get her back to hamilton-watching strength, or ... she could die really soon. like, in a few days. 

we can’t visit. her partner can’t visit because covid - there’s this really sad-making photo of him looking happy on the phone through a window to my mum, also on the phone, inside the hospital. 

i feel...

???? :( :( :( ....

i guess this is the main point of the post. i’m not writing this crying, i’m writing it pretty neutrally - because my brain isn’t really processing it right now, and mostly doesn’t process it. 

i did cry earlier today while on the phone to various people, and then i went back to work. i hate crying, i hate being sad, and i dont like people comforting me, because it makes me realise that i have something to be sad about. 

i’ve known she had cancer for a year. i haven’t been able to hang out with her most of that time. i would say, we are fairly close, although not nearly as close as some families. we don’t talk every week, but we talk regularly, and have seen each other regularly. 

i’m so incredibly privileged that nothing that bad has ever happened to me, even though i’m 35. i’ve never been to a funeral, which seemed like a major life win and now i think was a mistake, i should have gone to funerals for people i card about less to help get used to it. 

the literal only comparison i have to how i feel is when my cat Anton died suddenly  about 3 years ago - i handled it with a mix of not thinking about it, being intensely sad for as brief a period as i could, and probably by thinking about how sad my girlfriend was about it, and sort of sidestepping my own feelings in comparison. 

i remember when my last remaining grandparent died - and i was about 14 or something - i wasn’t sad for myself, i was only sad for her my dad being sad. for ages, i worried that i was not going to be sad enough about this - and i still sort of am. 

but i also passionately hate the idea of being sad and i know i’ll look to avoid it as much as possible, and try and get on with my life. 

i know my mum dying isn’t about me - when people write after death it’s about the person who died, obviously. that makes sense. but this post isn’t about my mum, who is a very cool person, much cooler than me - it’s about me. because i am self-obsessed and this is going to wreck my life for a while.

it’s weird, because i can see it on the horizon but it’s not happening yet. and i dont know whether that’s good or bad - i feel like it’s good, in a way. someone ages ago told me that the grieving period starts when you get the news. that seems very true to me - but also, i know that it’s going to ramp up, and so i’m like in the expectation of true grief right now. 

it’s sort of like she died, but also is still going to die, but also i can magically still talk to her. which is really nice, in a way, it’s like a second chance, because i know i didn’t reach out enough before she had cancer. and i’m aware enough of my own actions that i know this is what’s been going on in my head the past year - i should reach out more, because she has cancer, but i dont want to make it seem like i’m reaching out because she has cancer, even though she knows i know she has cancer....... and also, i’m busy writing this fic. /o\

the fact that she seemed to recover (even though my mum insisted on saying ‘i am not recovered, i’m going to die soon’ like several time as a day as a disclaimer) also totally messed with my head, because i knew logically - ok, it’s happening. but also, things seemed so normal when we speak. even when i called her today, and she hasn’t eaten for a week, it seemed normal. 

btw - i realised this week i had no idea how cancer killed people. my mum is a scientist and has looked up all kinds of things about what’s killing her; i’m clearly a simon snow and didn’t want to think about things i can’t help. if you’d asked me, i’d have said like... it poisons you or something, or blocks bloodflow to your brain. not what i think will actually do it which is.... starvation. or being too weak to survive being pumped full of the poison that is intended to kill the cancer. (that one i guess i could have predicted.) man - cancer sucks. i mean, we all knew it. 

(i failed to get into cambridge university at interview stage, many years ago. the man who interviewed me gave me some extremely memorable feedback, which is that i needed to dial back the ‘defensive irony’ - which i thnk in that context meant i put myself down and tried to make a joke of everything. i remember when i got the phonecall to say Anton, my cat, was dead, i literally did not know what to do with my voice - because my instinct was to try and make the vet feel better, and also to present myself as bright and capable, and yet this unexpected and devasting news had just come through. rainbow wrote something sort of similar because she’s a good writer, for shepard as he tells penny about his curse. i feel like that.) 

what else did i want to say? 

i thought i had more time. ‘hamilton’ will probably always be tied to this moment in my mind, because of how much i’ve spoken to my mum about it in the past few weeks (i sent her the remix - she liked it, she listened to it in hospital while trying to drink more than 100ml of fluids) but yeah - this is basically a line from hamilton here. whatever. don’t make me feel my own feelings, let me just quote things. i dont like my own feelings. (no, i dont want to go to therapy - they’d make me talk about my feelings all the time, i’m british for god’s sake.) 

i’m 35 - my mum is 68. i didn’t think she’d die this early or that i’d have to deal with this yet. but then i also don’t think bad things are ever going to happen to me - because mostly they haven’t, see above. i wear a mask and am double vaccinated because i’m not an asshole, but i dont really believe i’ll get covid because bad things don’t happen to me. i didn’t think my mum would die - maybe ever, but definitely not yet. she’s been retired a decade after teaching (science) and has enjoyed it. 

i thought i had time to not have kids yet - which is the other thing (like hamilton) that this moment is really tied up with for me. i feel like 35 is getting quite old, but also not that old to still not have kids, but intend to maybe have them. my feelings about kids were basically like - up until like 25, i thought, yes, definitely. i mean, before i had a realtiosnhip (22-ish), i just assumed i would probably have a het marriage and have kids etc, like people do, but after that we were still talking, yes, children at some point. 

didn’t prioritise it for a few reasons - none of my close friends had children until quite recently, so it just didn’t seem like an urgent thing in the way that it probably does for people with different friendship groups. waiting to be settled enough in a job to be able to take maternity leave without it feeling like a rip off for my employer. waiting for a good time in erin’s PhD writing cycle. and then pandemic. and then a few years ago, maybe as i turned 30, i thought - maybe we won’ have kids, because we still haven’t - and i vocalised that to erin. 

also, i know a lot of people are gay and have children, so it’s not like it’s a thing that is impossible at all, but it’s much much harder if you have to leave your home and your relationship in order to get a child. it has to be a very very conscious decisions. i have friend who are men who have good genes, but we’re not so close i want to ask them for their sperm/to be involved however remotely in making a child - and (i was surprised to discover) (what a lot of things i dont know anything about) you an’t really just buy sperm, it’s not truly legal except through a clinic. and it’s extremely expensive to get inseminated in a clinic, and the NHS don’t really do that, so you do have to pay it. i thought kids would be expensive after they were born, but not before. and i REALLY wanted a house, much much more than - i think even today - i’ve ever wanted a child. i REALLY wanted a house - and now we have a house, and it’s pretty good. but - that’s where the money went, until the pandemic - thanks pandemic - so now we do have some disposable cash at last, because i didn’t commute. 

but now erin is worried about climate change - and wheher it’s right to bring more children into the world, and other things. and.... i think i do want to be pregnant, it’s what i’m planning for - don’t leave this job (which admittedly i also really like, and pays me well - i dont thin i need to leave) because next stop maternity leave, but..... 

i don’t know whether i am thinking, time ot have kids because my best friend just had a baby (the baby’s name is horatio - for real, i actually love this name) (i also haven’t seen her or the baby except over skype, because anna - my friend - is, like my mother, also scared of pandemic) and my brain is like - ok, well, if anna is doing it, i guess the time is here 

AND - i know there’s a large part of me that was like, gotta be pregnant and ideally have the baby before my mum dies so she gets to see that she had a grandchild. my brother and i are both queer, btw, in case you were wondering - he’s considering whether he wants to transition right now (but is still happy with he/him pronouns) and - you may find this astonishing, but i genuinely don’t know whether he’d consider himself ace, or has been in relationships. he’s very private, he has OCD and is in therapy - but anyway, he’s probably not having kids anytime soon (i think!) and graham - my mum’s boyfriend/partner of 10+ years. -has grandchildren, but my extremely middleclass white (but definitely not conservative voters, always 100% not-tory) parents ended up with me and my brother.... and i don’t know, as i say, i don’t know whether my brain is saying ‘have kids before it’s too late’ - although i know by now that it will be too late. even if my mum recovers from this, this time, i don’t think i can produce a child before she dies - and she isn’t asking me too, she’s not like that, but i would have liked her to be there. i thought she would be. 

so - i’m thinking about that. also, about getting a dog. i really want a dog - although i don’t want to upset the three cats (one we’ve had for eight years or so, the other two we got after Anton died). it’s ALSO really hard and expensive to get a dog. you’d think with all these ‘a dog isn’t just for the pandemic, a dog is for life’ type adverts around, that it would be easy to adcidentally get a dog - i’ve looked! you ccan’t get a dog unless you have no cats and you’re super experienced and can take a dog with lots of trauma or medical problems, or you’re willing to pay thousands of pounds. like - even for a regular not even pedigree dog - at least a thousand. pedigree dog - several thousand. i dont want a puppy either - i want a dog. 

and - this is embarrassing to admit, but i’ve alrady told erin - i genuinely had a phase of being super annoyed when i’d read fics where someone just ‘got a dog’. it’s not that simple!!! it’s fiction, it doesn’t matter - chill out. the baby thing too - although weirdly not fics where magic meant it was possible to get a baby, weirdly it was smut. i had a brief week or so of crazy (and i don’t think i am that crazy) where i’d read about fictional semen and just be like - wtf, it’s so hard to get hold of that shit. (it’s not real, this isn’t real semen being wasted, calm down - and i dont even really know if i want kids, i might just think i do.) 

the other thing about the bad thing being soon but not yet (but also being all the time, but not if you dnt think about it) is that i’m thinking - should i prioritise writing my remix now, in case my mum dies and i’m too sad to do it, and then i didn’t do my remix? i was definitely thinking this while writing classroom politics (i hope my mum doesn’t die becaue i dont want to be too sad to miss the deadline) and in the run up to AWTWB .....

today i wrote a list of things for work that would need to be picked up if i have to unexpectedly stop working, either because i’m too sad, or because i have to do funeral stuff, or .... i guess legal stuff about settling the estate. (i guess this happens to a lot of people, too, but it’s also a bit of a mindfuck that my brother and i will inherit her house and a bunch of cash when she dies - i’m pretty well off, my brotehr does virtual reality theatre stuff so really isn’t - we’ve talked about how much easier both of our lives will be with a huge injection of cash, and how we dont know what to feel about that) (great news, dogs and kids are really expensive! time to find out whether i really wanted to spend my money on those.) told people i like at work that it’s coming, and that i dont want to talk about it. and mostly just... carrying on with life, really. until it happens. 

it’s so weird how easy it is to carry on most of the time.i know my mum’s partner is not doing nearly so well - he has to cope with an empty house and he’s retired. i’ve had periods - including right now - where i wake up every morning and check my phone to see whehter someone called me or texted me to tell me it’s over. but most of the day i’m actually really fine. i even had an ok day today. and i don’t know whether i want that to be the case, or whether i shouldn’t let myself do that. i dont know what i should prepare for in terms of where i’ll be - will i want lots of stuff to distract me (this is my guess) and work is very good for that, or i will want to clear time and space because i can’t operate and dont want people to offer me comfort. (FYI - this post isn’t written to make people say anything to me, i definitely dont want to talk about it, so please don’t feel you either have to comment or check in on me - i don’t really want you to. it’s enough to have written it, in my own time, in my own space.)

i think i wanted to write this post in a way because i thought i probably wouldnt want to write it after my mum died - because i probably wouldn’t want to say anything about it at all, for a few years. 

my mum keeps telling me about the show ‘jane the virgin’ - which she’s half way through. shhe asked me to give it a try, so i did (she often tells me about shows on radio 4, which i rarely listen to. i thouht i had more time.) i’ve watched an episode (because she has cancer, i should listen to her recommendations)(but i dont want her to know that’s why i did it) and i do quite like - it’s light and frothy and well cut together (although about kids and artificial insemination, of course). i guess in a worse case scenario where i’m too sad to work or write, i will probably watch a lot of this show - which is incredibly not sad - and feel sad about how my mum never finished it. 

BUT ALSO SHE MIGHT BE OK. for a while. 

i dont know how i feel, blargh. anyway. this was a long post. i think i wrote it mostly for me. feelings are weird. covid really sucks and so does cancer. 

going to order some chicken and watch inuyasha.

#my content #tw: death #tw: death of a parent #tw: death of a loved one #personal #tw: cancer

[soyouthinkucanwrite]

Chapter 3 - Unexpected texts

Synopsys: The name of the series is super random, don't mind me. Reader is a postgraduate student at NYU, made a docuseries on her research, and the show got picked up by Netflix. She goes on a press tour and meets Tom on a ‘chat show’. They get together and she decides to stay for a few days in London with him. This could be an amazing few days or more? It’s been interesting writing how they’ll deal with distance and tight schedules once ‘honeymoon’ is over...

Heads up: my first language is Portuguese, so that might explain some things here - of course, I wrote thinking about myself hahaha

Warnings for the series: mention of illicit drugs, angst caused by distance, smut (next chapters, very explicit), anxiety caused by paparazzi, and rude random people taking photos.

Other than that, this is just my guilty pleasure writing so lots of caring sweet Tom and fluffiness.

Chapter 1 - A new city

Chapter 2 - Show time

Chapter 3 - Unexpected texts

This is 2.4k words (approximately)

Later, you were just laying in your hotel room and watching some tv, or telly how they say over here. You wanted to get some sleep and maybe call your parents to tell them about the day. It was so crazy, you didn’t think they’d quite grasp how crazy, but you wanted to include them anyway. I guess maybe especially because of that. Tomorrow you guys had to be at the station super early for the Radio 1 Breakfast with Greg James. 6 o’clock you thought it was that David had told you. You might as well check with him and set an alarm already. So you went to grab you phone for texting him and got a text from an unknown number.

The contact you had saved as “Tom Holland” (with the air quote marks) was calling on Facetime. Shit. This couldn’t be him. Could it? Have you even given your personal number to the producer at Graham? Shit. Just answer it and kill Lukas. You pressed the green button and the screen was dark. There was some music in the background, but it was a little muffled. And sure enough, there he was. Smiling at the phone slightly bellow his eye level. He’s hot. You look like shit with zero makeup and your hair in a crazy pony tail.

“Hi!” He said laughing. “Do you believe me now?”

“Hi…this is embarrassing. Sorry! I have the worst friends and is just like them to try to pull a prank on me because of this” You answered.

“No worries, darling. I’m a little sad you’d think me texting you is laughable though.” He joked.

“You know what I mean! Like I said, Tom Hanks wanting to work together I would have an easier time believing.” You laughed.

“Maybe I want to work together. By the way, I’m glad you did, but for future reference, you probably shouldn’t use your personal number for these things.” He advised you.

“Well, it’s not like I have more than one number so…” You told him.

“Your agent’s then.” He clarified.

“I don’t have an ‘agent’.” You emphasized the last word.

“Well, you should probably get one then, darling. Trust me on this one.” He was walking and the music got louder for an instant and then muffled again. Looks like a bar or the outside of a bar at least.

“Are you in a bar?” You asked him laughing.

“Excuse me, not a bar, a PUB. And no, I’m on the sidewalk of a pub, actually. Going home.” He said. “And you are…?”

You were kind of getting what he wanted from you and that was kind of annoying actually. He’s a movie star for god’s sake. Can’t he get a girl in whatever pub he’s at right now? “Busy actually.” You answered him.

“Oh sorry. Terrible timing, huh? I asked for your number this afternoon, after the show. But the bloody PA just sent me it right now. He might lose his job for this. Took him a lot of convincing, ya know?” He was talking and walking, you could see he was clearly trying to start a conversation and all that in the middle of the street.

“So you just got it and couldn’t wait to text me huh?” You teased.

“Kind of, yeah. The two pints probably helped me build the nerve. I’m not usually like this. I barely facetime my friends.” He told you.

“And in the middle of the street. If you get mugged, I don’t want to be accounted.” You were relaxing a bit and sat on the bed leaning on the headboard. He laughed at your joke. Maybe he was just drunk and not really after a booty call. “I thought you british were famous for spending nights at the pub. Why you leaving so early, anyway?” You asked.

“Got to get up early tomorrow for a work out.” He answered simply.

“Of course you do” You said.

“And I much rather talk to you too.” He said.

Silence. What do you answer to that? Is he flirting with you? He’s definitely flirting with you.

“Ahem” He cleared his throat. “I really did liked your show, you know? It’s really something.” He said.

“You did? Thank you. Means a lot.” You said. “I’m still shocked it’s getting this much attention, to be honest.”

“Why? I’m shocked no one’s done it before. Is such a good idea. But maybe if they’ve done it, it wouldn’t be the same. Cause your presenting is probably what makes it that good.” He had stopped walking and you could hear keys juggling in his hand. “I live really close to the pub. I know” He laughed and you laughed back. “Hey!” He said to someone outside the screen and started to walk up stairs.

“Do you live with someone else? Your parents?” You asked.

“Uhh…no, no. I mean yeah, my mates Harrison and Tuwaine and my brother Harry. It’s just Tuwaine and his girlfriend downstairs though, I think.” He told you while taking off his shoes.

“Hey don’t go cockblock your friend now” You laughed.

“Never. And always.” He joked back. “Thought you’d be out enjoying London tonight, or were you planning on going out later?” He asked you in a thick accent.

“What? No, I’m a serious business girl. No time for shenanigans” You said laughing, so he’d know you were joking.

“Shenanigans” He laughed back. “Your English is better than mine you know?”

“Oh I’m sure” You answered sarcastically. “Flattering will get you far, but lying will not”

“I’m serious. If you haven’t said it today I’d think you’re American. You kind of have a New Yorker accent” He said.

“Yeah? ‘Fuhgeddaboudit’” You said in a thick accent and you laughed together. It was fun talking to him.

“What other languages do you speak?” He asked you when you stopped laughing.

“Portuguese, English…Spanish, Italian, a little bit, and German” You answered while counting your fingers.

“No way. Say something in German. By the way, I’m still here, I’ll just change these clothes.” He said while putting the phone on the nightstand and getting out of the frame. He was taking off his clothes, you thought. And he wanted you to say something in German.

“Nennen sie das Ärger?” You said, without thinking everything through.

“Now say the same in Portuguese” You heard his voice but didn’t see him.

“É isso que eles chamam de problema?” You said again.

“Yeah, portuguese is defenitely sexier.” He laughed and grabbed the phone again to sit on the bed. He was shirtless and with his head on the headboard of the bed. “What did you said anyway?”

“Excuse me, I wasn’t aware I’d have to translate it.” You mocked being offended.

“Oh so it WAS dirty. I thought I was imagining.” He teased you.

“You’re smooth.” You shook your head. “I’m still not saying it. You’ll just have to learn Portuguese, or German.”

“I’ll learn Portuguese if you teach me.” He said. “How long are you here for?”

“Just till tomorrow.” You said. “Flying back to New York tomorrow night.”

“More interviews?” He asked.

“Tomorrow’s the last one actually. But I’m traveling with David, he makes the show with me, and I’ve kept him from his fiancé long enough. That and we have to prepare for big meeting with executives next week, you know find an agent and stuff.”

“I could talk to my agent if you want to, he’s an actors agent but maybe he knows someone for other kinds of jobs” He said. “You don’t have a fiancé to get back to, do you?”

“No. No fiancé or jobs for that matter.” You laughed. “And I’m not even sure what kind of jobs would those be.”

“Publicity deals. If I had a brand, I’d want you to be the face of it. It’s the face of diversity and youth, isn’t it? It’s a beautiful face” He said.

“The face of diversity and youth?” You laughed. “Now you’re the one confusing me with Tom Hanks” You joked and he laughed out loud. “I could use some friendly recommendation though, on the agent thing. I don’t even know where to start looking and sounds like the type of thing you don’t want to ask the wrong people” You added.

“Yeah, sure. He’ll know someone for sure.”

“Thank you”

“Glad to help! Really!” He smiled at you. “So where you going tomorrow?”

“Breakfast show at Radio 1. Greg James I think” You answered.

“Oh he’s great! We were there today. You’ll have a great time! It’s a bit early, no? Am I keeping you from sleep? Do you want to hang up?” He was cute, all concern and stuff.

“Yes, yes and no. I’m enjoying you keeping me from sleep.” You said. Maybe it was the time, but that was kind of bold Ana. Good job?

“Good. I’m enjoying it too.” He said while you were getting under the duvet, getting cozy. “Are you enjoying London? What’s your favorite place so far?”

“I loved what I’ve seen from the car window” You answered sadly. “And all the studios we’ve seen.” You laughed a little. “But since we’ve landed it’s been go go go.”

“That’s a great song though.”

“I can’t believe you got that reference.” You said surprised. You love The Maine.

“I love The Maine. Honest. ‘Where I come from you learn to make the best of things’”

“‘But honey since we’ve met you know you’ve had the best of me’” You mock singed together and laughed when you finished the verse.

“OH MY GOD DO YOU WANT TO MARRY ME?” He joked while laughing.

“YES! AND WE CAN GET ON THE ROAD CHASING INDIE BANDS ON TOUR?” You joked back.

“I mean, that’s the dream, that’s the dream.” He said. “I can’t believe that you haven’t seen London though. Wish you’d stay longer, I could take you some places. If you’d like, of course” He said.

“Don’t you have work? I though movie stars didn’t have time for tourism in their own home town” You teased.

“I’m sure movie stars don’t. Good thing I’m not one.” He said smirking.

“Ok, and where would you take me then?” You asked. Where you really contemplating extending your trip just right now? Get a grip on yourself woman.

“Uh, I don’t know. Parks?”

“Parks?” You laughed.

“And pubs.” He laughed too. “To be honest those are the only places I go to when I’m home. I take my dog on walks and drink with friends.”

“Doesn’t sound like a bad life to me.”

“No, I guess not.”

You guys kept talking for hours about everything and nothing. Favorite music, food, drinks, spots for each of those in different cities. You lived in NY but had lived in Berlin before and he was interested in that and you were very interested to hear about the places he’d been, but mostly about London.

“So you actually live here?” You asked him.

“What you mean? London? Yeah.”

“But don’t you work more in LA and stuff? You have a place there too?”

“Uh, no, actually. I don’t work there as much. No as much to justify getting a place anyway. If I’m honest, I haven’t stayed in the same place for too much time, unless I’m off work. And then I’ll be here. Closer to the family. Friends. You know.” He told you.

“That’s nice. It sucks to be away all the time”

“You probably know what I mean. There was a time I was considering getting a place in LA, you know, that whole Hollywood thing. And I was kind of seeing someone there at the time, so that might have had some influence in the decision. We were looking at houses and they were amazing, huge and crazily luxurious.”

“You were going to move in together?”

“No, she was just helping me look for places. Anyway, it didn’t worked out and in the mean time I found this house here so it was for the better I think.” He was opening up to you. “That’s really not for me. That whole life. Mansions, cars, the paparazzi.”

“Listen, I’m not sure how to break it to you. But you might not have chosen the best work line then.” You joked.

“No joke” He laughed. “I know it’s part of the job. At some extent. But I don’t need to go looking for trouble too. This way I’ll just deal with all that when I’m at the states and here I can focus on something else. Spend that money with something else. Spend my time with people that I actually care about and care about me. You know?”

“I like your mind” You said without thinking and there was a while of silence between the two of you.

“I think that’s the best compliment I ever gotten” He said.

“Shut up. You know what I mean.” You blushed.

“I know. And that’s why.” He smiled. “I like your mind too. I like that you don’t filter it. You’re genuine” You had blushed and closed your eyes at his compliment. When you opened them he was smiling at you. “You have the most amazing green eyes, you know that? They’re beautiful. And smile too. I love your smile.” You turned your head to the side, like you didn’t understand what he was saying, but you did. You were only studying him.

“Where you getting at Holland?”

“Can I see you tomorrow? Will you have sometime after your interview?” He asked.

“Yeah. I have the day actually, my flight is not until 11 at night, I think. When you want to meet?”

“I can pick you up right after and we can grab some lunch, sounds good?”

“Yeah, sounds perfect” You said and looked at the clock, it was 02:38 in the morning. “But I should probably try and get some sleep now, or I won’t be a real person tomorrow.” He touched the screen on his phone, probably looking at time himself.

“Shit, that’s late. Sorry, I didn’t felt the time” He apologized.

“Me neither” You smiled. You wanted to say more, like how amazing it was talking to him and that’s why time flew like that, how you haven’t felt that in many years. But you didn’t.

“Okay, I’ll let you go now. See you tomorrow then?”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow Holland” He laughed. “What?”

“I like how you call me by my last name. Sounds good. See you tomorrow (y/l/n)”

“I liked how mine sounded in your English accent”

“Yeah? Did I pronounce it right?” He laughed.

“Close enough” You laughed. “Alright, good-bye now”

“Tchau” He said while you hanged up, catching you by surprise.

You couldn’t believe what just happened. Oh boy indeed. You were sure you weren’t even going to be able to sleep tonight, smiling in the dark to yourself like that. Get a grip woman.

#tom holland #tom holland fic #tom holland x reader #tom holland one shot

[dawsonscreekwasalwaysbad]

season 6 thoughts

hey quick question why the FUCK did you start with that

like on the one hand i’m glad that now i know what happened right after the end of “that’s too much man!”. on the other hand… ow

the mountain bojack climbs is called “metaphor mountain” God bless Lisa Hanawalt

i LOVE the way the episodes are framed… like you get one flashback to bojack drinking and you think that was the first time then it’s like NOPE he was even younger

CINDY CRAWFISH AKSHDJDSF

AND BABY BOJACK SNUGGLING UP TO HIS MOTHER… TRYING TO FEEL AN EMBRACE SHE WOULD NEVER GIVE… CATCH ME CRYING IN THE CLUB

WHO THE FUCK CAME UP WITH THIS NEW INTRO

AND THE WAY IT HAS ALL THOSE FLASHBACK SCENES BUT IT STILL ENDS WITH HIM FALLING INTO THE POOL AND DIANE AND PEANUTBUTTER CHECKING TO SEE IF HES OK AND THEN HES JSUT LOUNGING IN HIS APPLE SHORTS;;; it’s just,, he’s going back home in the end, going back to the place where he started, as if everything will go back to the way it was before and he’ll find himself stuck in the same cycles he tried so hard to escape… all im saying is, i dont think this season is gonna end well

and how it dwells on his past, everything he did wrong, all the most heartwrenching moments, and there aren’t any changes to the intro (as far as i could tell) until episode 8… nothing changes if all you do is look back.

I am LOVING the Mr. Peanutbutter we’re getting this season. I was never really attached to him before; it’s not that I hated him, just that I liked all the other main characters better. and now that they’ve had him do something really bad and reckon with that,, he’s plumbing new depths, exploring those dark places, questioning if he’s truly as happy as he says he is

and bonding with bojack??? who would have guessed

bojack keeps giving advice that is, at best, the kind he doesn’t follow himself, and at worst, bringing others down into the well of self-pity that he’s been stuck in the whole series

Someone give Princess Carolyn a break…

SHE NAMED HER DAUGHTER RUTHIE IM CRYING

Guy seems like a cool guy but I feel like they’re setting him up to seem nice so that it’s more surprising when it’s revealed he’s not. I’m probably being too suspicious, but also we don’t know much of the details about his divorce, do we? Lakeith Stanfield's great tho

EPISODE 4 WAS COMEDY GOLD

The return of Queefburglar69

I WANNA WRAP PICKLES UP IN A BLANKET LIKE A BURRITO AND TELL HER EVERYTHINGS OKAY

Oh man Pickles talking about how her subscribers will always be there for her… like… it’s not one person, it’s a cloud of people, the contents and shape of which changes, might even be completely different and unrecognizable from one year to the next, but they’re all still there as this nebulous support system. and it reminded me of what bojack said to young sarah lynn about how her fans are the only things she can count on

Todd is babey.

Also him wearing the ace colors under his hoodie!!

I knew Diane’s rationale for going to chicago was bullshit. she said it makes her feel good, but “it doesn’t matter where you are, it’s who you are,” and she still dwells on her bad feelings and hates herself just as much in chicago as she did in LA. moving somewhere else isn’t necessarily gonna change those tendencies, she has to work on it herself.

OH MAN AND WHEN BOJACK GETS DR CHAMP DRUNK AGAIN… THROWING THE BOTTLE OUT THE WINDOW WAS A WAY TO AVOID RUINING ANOTHER LIFE AND HE ENDS UP DOING THE EXACT THING HE HOPED HE WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN

was honestly kinda hoping that Dr Champ was just pretending he got drunk to show how bad bojack could get if he relapsed but at the end when he was like “stay…” that’s how i knew that shit was real.

todd is so fucking stupid i love him

ngl am kinda disappointed that todd’s confirmed white, cause i’ve kinda been picturing him as latino for a long time and i know rbw said he doesn’t want to alienate latino viewers who relate to todd. but it makes a  lot of sense, cause he always gets away with stupid shit and gets to the top of things without even having to try just because he knows a guy. and maybe the reason he’s so positive all the time is because it’s so easy for him to be, he never has to worry about shit bc of the privilege his whiteness affords him. also I love that we got to learn more about his backstory

THE CONTRAST BTWN “all the shitty things I did that I can barely even remember because I was high or drunk or it was thirty years ago” and “I remember everything. I’m sober now.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!

sharona sounds like a cross btwn princess carolyn and margo martindale

I have… mixed feelings about the haircut

Oh man Mr. Peanutbutter had a moment… he finally got that crossover episode… I was kinda hoping for a joke that went “Mr. Peanutbutter and BoJack Horseman in the same room? What is this, Philbert?” or “What is this, a short-lived show on a streaming network that got canceled because the star got addicted to painkillers and strangled his costar in a drugged haze?” but this is SO MUCH BETTER. I've never seen him cry before and the way he reacts to himself crying suggests that maybe he’s never cried before at all, and that’s why he just keeps laughing, almost like it’s forced, cause this is supposed to be his happiest moment and it’s not supposed to make him so sad. fucking,, character development

and the cold open of ep 8… you can forgive yourself and move on from your past wrongs but it doesn’t erase the things you did, the effects they have on people, and the trauma they’ve suffered. and then like, how can you forgive yourself if they never forgive you? how do you maintain that balance? why should you move forward if they can’t?

its weird to have an episode consisting entirely of guest stars but it also illustrates the extensive world they’ve built and i applaud that… also where the fuck is ana spanakopita

GINA RETURNS!!! HELL YEAH

her quote about not wanting to be defined by what bojack did to her has always stuck with me, and i feel like now, that quote has sort of come true. like, her saying that made us avoid reducing her to what happened to her, and thats why i wanted to see her come back this season, hopefully moving past it. but she can’t. it traumatized her. and everyone can see the effects of it but she feels like she can’t come forward, cause if she does she’ll be punished. shit like that changes you.

and it’s another instance on the show where someone chooses to advance their career & preserve their reputation over doing the right thing (like what bojack does with herb & sharona), but bojack does it out of self-interest, and gina does it so she doesn’t have to relive her trauma every time she gets interviewed or recognized by a fan. but even when she keeps quiet about it she’s still reliving her trauma

noah fence but what a waste of the once-per-season fuck word. youre really gonna use it in an episode IN WHICH BOJACK DOES NOT EVEN APPEAR, and not only that, but RECYCLE AN OLD SENTENCE FROM A PREVIOUS EPISODE

netflix places no limits on a show’s use of the fuck word (i think), so… fingers crossed for something better in the second part?

OH MY GOD PETE REPEAT INTRODUCED HIMSELF AS PETER ITS ALMOST LIKE HES TRYING TO FORGET THAT TIME & THAT PERSON HE WAS (im probably reading into it too much, I’m sure it’s mostly so we wouldn’t figure out who it was immediately. maybe im just like the kid with the coffee cup.)

and just… ppl describe this show as “family guy or the simpsons except the protagonist faces consequences for his actions” but bojack has gotten away with everything.

you ever just like… you ever watch a scene and feel the cliffhanger vibes creeping up and you just know it’s gonna end there and leave you unsatisfied and begging for more but at the same time that’s what makes it such a good place to end it. that was me with this. (and also the ending of undone)

the thing about this show is, it illustrates what it’s like to be a toxic person. and sure, he has it hard, but the show never asserts that he has it any worse than his victims, even if bojack himself does so. and he only does it so he can feel better about himself. he deserves a reckoning, he needs to pay for his bad deeds. but then, when you know what made him this way and what goes on inside his mind and that he wants to get better, it makes you feel for him, and forces you to ask if he deserves to get better and forgive himself and move forward. but even if he does, it doesn’t change the things he did. it doesn’t fix the lives he’s ruined.

anyway sound off if you think bojack’s gonna die at the end. hopefully not by suicide

#long post #bojack horseman #diane nguyen #todd chavez #princess carolyn #mr. peanutbutter #pickles aplenty #pete repeat #bojack horseman season 6 spoilers #doctor champ #sarah lynn #gina cazador #horsin' around #mr. peanutbutter's house #netflix #raphael bob-waksberg #lisa hanawalt #phoebe talks #mine

[bisexualbumblebee-writes]

2015/2021- Joel Fry x OC

Joel Fry x Isabel Abbott

Description: The six year difference between Joel and Isabel beginning their relationship to being happily married.

Word Count: 2k

“Welcome back to Candid everyone! My name is Erin Miller,” the interviewer greeted the camera with a bright smile at the camera for her podcast/video. “Today is a very special episode because I am going to discuss the latest season of Game of Thrones. Not only that but today I’m joined here by the cast of Game of Thrones: Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister, Emelia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen, Iain Glen as Jorah Mormont, Joel Fry as Hizdahr zo Loraq, and Isabel Abbott as Kiyara Tallhart!” The crewmembers applauded as the cast waved when their names were called. 

“Thank you guys so much for being here, all my fans and I are huge fans of the show,” she continued, finally looking at her guests. 

“Happy to be here,” Emelia responded, the others agreeing afterwards. 

“So much happened in this season,” Erin said before exhaling deeply, which made them laugh. “Lots of stories and even more heartbreaking deaths. Specifically the last two episodes. Oh man, I cried,” she emphasized. 

“You should have seen the cast when we were filming,” Peter spoke, leaning closer to the microphone as he did so. Emelia nodded knowingly. 

“Well today I wanted to talk to you about one specific episode. Episode nine, ‘Dance of Dragons.’ The attack of the Sons of Harpy on the fighting pit.” 

“Oh boy,” Isabel muttered, which caused Erin to chuckle. 

“Oh boy indeed. Can I just say, it literally happened so quickly. I mean, I blinked and people started getting murdered. Then Loraq is killed!” She ranted. “He was such a semi-good character and I was so sad to see him go.” 

“So was Isabel,” Emilia teased. Isabel jokingly glared at the girl then pushed her shoulder, a blush dusting her face. 

“Shut up Em,” she grumbled shyly. 

“Oh, care to explain?” Erin asked with the same smile Emilia had. 

“Yeah, Isa,” Iaian added. Isabel looked around, realizing that everyone was not staring at her expectantly. 

“Oh my god I did not come here to be attacked like this!” She exclaimed with a giggle, attempting to hide her embarrassment. 

“You were sad about Loraq’s death?” Joel questioned with a teasing smile, though there was a sincere look in his eyes. 

“Okay listen,” she started deadpanned, which made the others burst out laughing. “Here’s the thing. During their time on the show, Hizdahr-”

“They’re on a first name basis now?” Peter questioned. Isabel took a second to flip him off before looking at Erin once more, this time with wide eyes. 

“Wait, do children watch this show?”

“Yeah sometimes kids watch my show,” Erin responded amusedly. Isabel gasped and covered her mouth. 

“I’m so sorry!” She looked at the camera with the most worried expression anyone had ever seen from her. “I’m sorry parents and children that just saw that.” 

“No no no it’s okay!” Erin exclaimed, trying not to laugh. “If parents let their kids watch Game of Thrones I’m sure they’re immune to you flipping the bird.” Isabel nodded, though her shoulders slumped in defeat and she mumbled another apology. 

“Aww Isa,” Joel  cooed, patting her back soothingly. “Continue.” Isabel straightened and pushed her hair behind her shoulders. 

“Anyways, Hizdahr and Kiyara got pretty close. Like she brought him food while he was imprisoned and they bonded over their fathers and they talked a lot in their free time. That meant that Joel and I got to talk quite a bit and I’d say we got pretty close,” she trailed off, looking at Joel for confirmation. 

“Yeah,” he responded with an affirming nod, hand dropping from her back. 

“Yeah,” she repeated, also nodding. “So we got close. No matter what, death always makes me sad, I mourn people I don’t even know. So seeing Hizdahr die up close was very emotionally stressing, and I was crying once the cameras cut. I did the same with Kit after John Snow died because we got close during season four.” 

“This season was just a huge blow to Isabel’s emotional state,” Emelia spoke. 

“You guys are laughing but that is absolutely true,” Isabel added matter-of-factly. 

“While we’re on the subject, am I the only one who noticed all those looks Loraq gave Kiyara?” Erin inquired, looking around. 

“Wait what?” Isabel laughed, but her question went unnoticed. 

“No! Oh my god I’m so glad you brought that up,” Iaian exclaimed. “Literally, I cannot tell you how many times we had to do retakes because Joel wouldn’t stop looking at Isabel on and off camera.” 

“Wait wait wait, are you serious?” Isabel questioned with an almost stupidly wide smile. 

“Oh yeah, definitely,” Peter confirmed. 

“That’s the entire reason people thought that Loraq and Kiyara were going to get together,” Erin explained. “People were shipping you guys on Twitter. Then Joel, you tweeted that picture of Isabel bringing you lunch. People started shipping you in real life.” 

“Aww Joel, do you like me?” Isabel joked, but her smile faltered when she realized that the man genuinely looked flustered. “Are you okay?” She asked worriedly, leaning away from the microphones beforehand. Joel’s already red face reddened even more. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Are you worried about me?” He started off seriously but became goofy during his question, which made her giggle and shake her head. 

“Jesus guys,” Peter groaned dramatically. “Just skip the formalities and date already!” Isabel blushed deeply and looked at Joel, who was already looking at her. 

“How about this Friday at 8:00?” He inquired with a goofy smile. Isabel’s jaw dropped as the other whooped and hollered at his question. Then Emelia hushed them to let Isabel answer, everyone watching them eagerly. 

“Sounds good. I’ll text you my address,” she responded coolly despite the fact that she was screaming on the inside. 

“I can’t believe that just happened on my show,” Erin muttered, looking absolutely blown away. 

“Neither can I,” Isabel breathed out with a small giggle. “You should have seen it the first time he actually asked me out.” That sent the others into chaos, everyone talking over each other while Isabel and Joel watched. 

“When did you guys start dating!?” Emelia yelled, which caused Isabel to flinch then laugh at the girl. 

“He asked me out after ‘Mockingbird’ wrapped,” she laughed out in the same excited tone. Emelia mouthed the episode name then looked at her with wide eyes. 

“Are you serious? The second episode he was in? And you didn’t tell me?” One would think that all that yelling would calm down laughter, but on the contrary, Isabel was nearly out of breath. 

“I’m sorry!” She exclaimed. Erin was still laughing when she decided to step in. 

“Wait, so do you mind walking us through what happened?” She asked, and Isabel admired his sincerity. She glanced at Joel, silently asking permission. When he gave her a nod of confirmation, she looked around at the others. 

“So, obviously we originally met during season four, when Hizdahr zo Loraq was first introduced. We talked a couple times between scenes, but then he isn’t really heard from so Joel wasn’t really there. Then season five came around and we got to know more about each other and he finally asked me out after the fourth episode. And that’s it,” she explained with a shrug. Iain just stared at them appalled. 

“I am just in shock that you guys managed to keep it so exclusive,” he spoke, shaking his head as he did so. Joel shrugged from beside her. 

“Well, we wanted to wait until the right time. Just to see if we could work, you know?” Isabel’s already wide smile widened when Joel’s arm slithered around her shoulders, only to pull away a second later. She looked at him confusedly then let out a small scream when he pulled her chair closer by the seat so he could comfortably rest his arm around her shoulders. She blushed shyly then hid her face as the others cooed rather loudly at them. Joel also cooed in her ear then pressed an affectionate kiss to the crown of her head. This was probably the best thing that ever happened to the both of them. 

2021

“Hello once again everyone! My name is Erin Miller and I welcome you back to Candid,” Erin greeted happily with a wave that gave both Joel and Isabel a sense of deja vu. “Today I am once again joined by Joel Fry and Isabel Abbott who are here to talk about their new movie Cruella, which premiered in theaters and on Disney+ on May 28,” she paused to face the couple. “Hello you two, long time no see.” Joel and Isabel waved at the camera in unison then faced Erin with bright smiles. 

“Yeah, at least since 2015,” Isabel answered. 

“Yeah, you guys look good,” Erin complimented honestly. “And I hear that you guys are married now,” she cooed. 

“Yeah,” Joel trailed off coyly. Erin giggled and clapped her hands. 

“Can I see the rings?” She asked eagerly. Joel and Isabel nodded at each other then took off their rings to show both Erin and the cameras. 

“Now, what is this engraved on the inside of it?” Erin questioned, leaning forward to get a better look. 

“Mine says ‘you are my moon and stars that paint the sky,’” Isabel answered. 

“And mine says ‘you are the sun to my moon, light of my life,’” Joel continued. 

“They’re references to quotes we said during the show,” Isabel explained further. “So, during season four not long after we’re introduced to Hizdahr and they were talking about their fathers, she said the line, ‘Everytime a good man dies, they are added to the night sky to paint stars as pretty as the moon. That’s where I believe your father is.’ It was probably my favorite line of the show.” 

“Oh yeah,” Erin reminisced. “I remember that. That was a good episode. Joel, what about yours?” 

“This was actually during season five when Kiyara visited Hizdahr while he was imprisoned. She had brought him food and he asked her to stay for conversation. I don’t… remember what they were talking about…” 

“What love meant to them,” Isabel interrupted before looking around. “Right?” 

“Yeah,” Joel answered as the scene came back to him. “Yeah, so it was right after Daenerys said that she would marry him to hold a strong bond. They were preparing a room for him and Hizdahr was not very happy about the forced engagement. Kiyara came down to visit him and they talked about what love meant to them. Hizdahr said that when his father talked about his mother, he’d say that she was the sun to his moon and that she was the light of his life. Those words had stuck with him and he always thought that when he married, he’d feel the same about his wife.”

“Oh so these are based on quotes you actually said to each other?” Erin asked. Isabel blushed and nodded. 

“Now, can I ask, why did you decide on Game of Thrones inspired rings and quotes?”

“Because that’s how we met,” Joel answered kindly as he and his wife put their rings back on. “If I hadn’t been cast as Hizdahr zo Loraq, then I don’t think we ever would have met because we had both been shooting different things before and after we were killed off on the show. Like, I was cast in You, Me, and the Apocalypse then Ordinary Lives. She was cast in Doctor Who for a while then Me Before You. Before that I was in Plebs and she was in Once Upon a Time. We didn’t have a lot of time between our schedules, but we made it possible, and look at us now. I owe the Game of Thrones cast and crew everything, because of them I met and later married the love of my life.” Both Erin and Isabel awed at him and the latter hugged him tightly. 

“Aw babe! That was so sweet,” she exclaimed. 

“You’re going to make me sad that I’m single,” Erin joked. 

“Maybe you should get cast in an HBO show,” Joel joked back, making the girls giggle. 

“Anyways, moving onto Cruella,” Erin said after a minute. “Yet again we are met with romantic tension with your characters Jasper and Angela.” Isabel shrugged, a bashful smile gracing her face. This would be a long day.

#joel fry #joel fry x oc #i'm joel fry trash

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Eighty Six

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

March 4th, 2003

Emile looked at the ring the jeweller had brought out for him to inspect. It was a little understated, just a silver band, no diamonds or other gems or even a stone put in. “Are you sure this is the one you want?” the jeweller asked. “I know you have the money, Mister Thomas, and most girls, even if they don’t say anything, prefer something they can show off to their friends...”

“It’s perfect,” Emile said, nodding at the jeweller. “Don’t worry. I know my future fiancé, he’ll love it.”

“Of course, I didn’t mean to imply...”

“Don’t worry about it,” Emile said with a kind smile. “My guy’s just that sort of special. Ring this up and we’ll be good to go.”

  May 5th, 2003

Emile was absolutely certain that if Remy weren’t so stressed, he would propose right here and now, just to try and capture the perfect smile on Remy’s face for the entire rest of the day. Remy had opened the doors of Sleep Easy that morning to find a line that was wrapping around the block and the relieved grin he had on his face as he told everyone working there to get ready was something Emile would never forget.

Toby had taken a couple pictures before Remy went back behind the counter to help out, and Emile felt at the ring box in his pocket. He wanted to ask regardless of stress, but he needed to find a quiet moment.

Emile and Toby were currently sitting in the back of the shop, at one of the tables. Emile was fiddling with his hands and glancing at Remy periodically. Toby sighed and propped his head up on one of his hands. “Okay, Emile, spill the beans. What’s got you so worked up?”

Glancing at Toby before going back to look at Remy, Emile shook his head. “It’s nothing,” he said absentmindedly.

“Either you tell me what’s up or I call Remy over here,” Toby threatened. “Because you’re looking at him like he has a bomb strapped to his chest.”

Emile tore his eyes away from Remy long enough to check if Toby was serious. And he was. “You have to promise not to tell Remy,” Emile said.

Toby gave him a look. “You don’t have a ring box, do you?” he joked.

Emile sighed and pulled out the small box from his pocket, placing it on the table. “Wait, no, I was joking!” Toby exclaimed in a hushed whisper. “Oh my god, you seriously have a ring?! Are you planning on asking him today?”

“Potentially, if there’s a quiet moment,” Emile said. “But I’m starting to suspect there won’t be.”

“Yeah, no, people just keep coming,” Toby said, eyeing the front door. “If I were you, I’d wait for a moment where Remy isn’t serving customers,” he said. “Maybe propose tonight, after the shop closes, if you do it today.”

Emile glanced over at Remy, who was talking to a woman intently over a display of cookies. “Seriously?!” Remy exclaimed, loud enough to capture both Emile’s and Toby’s attention.

The woman laughed and nodded. She passed him a card which Remy eagerly pocketed and shook the woman’s hand. Emile and Toby glanced at each other. “What was that about?” Toby asked.

“I have absolutely no idea,” Emile said.

Remy came over to the two of them, and Emile quickly hid the ring box back in his pocket. Remy, with a massive grin, slammed his hands on the table. “Do you guys know who that was?!” he exclaimed.

“No?” Toby said. “Enlighten us?”

“She’s a reporter for the local paper,” Remy said in an almost-conspiratorial whisper. “And all the commotion from today caught her eye. She said that if I can keep interest for the rest of the month, she’ll do an exposé on the shop!”

Emile blinked, before breaking into a grin. “That’s amazing, Rem! I’m so proud of you!”

Remy beamed.

“Emile took the words right out of my mouth,” Toby said. “I have no doubt that article will happen. Who knows, maybe it’ll lead to more business and happier roads ahead!”

Toby glanced at Emile and Emile instantly got the meaning: save the proposal for the interview. And Emile couldn’t agree more with that sentiment. That would be the perfect timing, if there was one.

“Oh my god, if they ask me anything about my personal life, what do I say?” Remy asked, laughing. “I mean, I don’t think I should hide that I’m gay, but like...I pay a mortgage with Emile. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that we’re together.”

“I think you should be honest, Rem,” Emile said. “I mean, anyone who’d boycott the shop because of you being gay isn’t someone I’d want in my corner anyway.”

“True,” Remy hummed. “Okay. I’ll be honest. The shop shouldn’t go under because of it, most of the people here are open-minded. It’s a college town, after all.”

“It’s a college town, you’re an amazing person, and you make a mean cuppa joe,” Toby said, sipping at his coffee with a grin. “There’s no way you could scare off all the homophobes into ruining business for you.”

Remy nodded, smiling. “Thanks for being here, both of you,” he said. “It means the world to me.”

“Nowhere we’d rather be, Rem,” Toby said, and Emile agreed.

“Remy! We need you back here!” August called.

“That’s my cue,” Remy laughed, hugging Toby and kissing Emile’s cheek. “Talk to the two of you later.”

“Later,” Emile parrotted as Remy went back to the counter. “I’m definitely proposing during the interview,” he told Toby.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if Remy tried the same thing. He’s that extra,” Toby laughed.

“You know, you’re right, and I hate that you’re right,” Emile laughed. “We’ll wind up proposing at the same time, most likely.”

“He’s planning his own proposal?” Toby asked. “You guys didn’t agree that one of you would do it and leave it at that?”

“We made it a competition,” Emile laughed. “Loser has to kiss the winner.”

“How do you know who loses and who wins?” Toby asked.

Emile paused. “You know, I’m not sure we ever clarified how one of us would win when both of us are very clearly biased,” he admitted.

Toby laughed. “Oh, god. You two are both disasters. Like, I love you, of course, but you’re both disasters.”’

“Of course we are. To quote Remy, ‘If we weren’t such disasters we would have overthrown God long ago.’”

Toby cracked up. “Man, as a guy who’s still religious I’m inclined to agree with you. The two of you are unstoppable.”

“Throw in all the other gay disasters we know and it would be no contest,” Emile snickered. “God, Theo would love to overthrow a major religion like that. I’m pretty sure Clara would fret over us and make sure to bring victory snacks, Xavier would welcome our new gay overlords...it would be quite the sight.”

“Let me know when it happens, because I very much want in on the being a priest to you guys,” Toby laughed.

Emile snickered. “Oh, we’re both going to Hell.”

“No doubt,” Toby agreed.

They looked over to where Remy was working, and Emile sighed. “I do worry about him, though. He works hard, but there are days where I know he’d rather relax but can’t.”

“A tip that helped me in the old days with that: warm chocolate milk,” Toby said. “Don’t know how well it’ll work for you, but it always conked him out as a child. Now, it might not make him sleep, but it would at least be a bit of nostalgia.”

“That’s adorable,” Emile said, grinning.

“There were times where he wouldn’t even accept it from Mom or Dad because ‘Toby makes it the bestest,’” Toby said with a grin. “I love my little brother to the ends of the earth, but I suspect he loves me more.”

“He finds people who love him and he never lets them go,” Emile said with a sad smile. “I wish the reason he did that wasn’t there, but then again, without everything he went through, he wouldn’t be the man he is today.”

Toby furrowed his brows and Emile winced. “Uh, he doesn’t let go of people who love him because he’s worried that if he does they’ll just leave him when they get bored. So he works to make sure they’re never bored of him.”

“Oh,” Toby said. It was strangled, and there was so much shock and anger in that one syllable. “I would strangle our parents if I could get away with it.”

“Make sure they don’t have any more kids and we’ll call it a day,” Emile laughed awkwardly.

“God, I hope they don’t screw up as grandparents,” Toby breathed. “Like. I don’t intend on being a dad. But Vanessa...wants kids. She’s wanted kids since she was a kid. And if they ever have to stay at their grandparents’...well, I’d rather take them for a night than leave them there.”

“Frankly? I don’t blame you,” Emile said.

“You’ve met them, haven’t you?” Toby asked.

“I’ve met your mother, and frankly, I don’t even need to meet your father to understand the bulk of Remy’s trauma, and yours,” Emile said simply.

“M... my trauma?” Toby asked.

“They hurt you too, Toby,” Emile said. “That qualifies as trauma.”

“Oh,” Toby said, leaning back in his seat. “It’s different when it’s someone else. Like, yeah, Remy got really hurt by them, so I don’t blame him for using the term. But knowing that the term applies to me is...different.”

“It’s more personal,” Emile filled in. “And it’s scary. But it’s something that can definitely be worked on.”

“At least there’s hope,” Toby said with a weak smile.

“Exactly,” Emile said, pointing at Toby with a grin. “And if you ever need any recommendations for looking for a therapist, hit me up. I’ll see what I can do.”

“I might have to take you up on that,” Toby said with a shaky breath. “The holidays are a massive...what did you call it? A massive stressor. But I could probably find a use for one outside the holidays, too.”

Emile nodded. “At least you recognize it. Remy’s been really stressed lately but seems determined to stick it out on his own. I worry about him more because of that.”

Toby shrugged. “Sometimes he needs time to come around to a concept. Give him that time, and if you ever need help, drop me a line. I know how to talk to him too.”

“Do you ever use rationality on him, and does he get that grumpy almost-pout when you do it?” Emile asked with a knowing grin.

“Oh my god, yes!” Toby laughed. “And then he comes up with worst-case scenarios that both of you know wouldn’t happen, just out of stubborn spite at the fact you’re using logic?”

“And forces you to come up with a plan for what happens if you fall into a pit of invisible snakes!” Emile continued. “Oh yeah, we’ve had those talks.”

“God, I love him,” Toby said, shaking his head fondly. “Of course, to you, that scenario probably just indicates how much of an anxiety disorder he has.”

“I try not to diagnose people I know,” Emile said. “Not only because I don’t have my degree yet, but because my emotions can get in the way of a diagnosis if I get too close.”

“That’s smart,” Toby said.

“That’s therapists’ standards,” Emile said simply.

The two of them sat in companionable silence for a minute, before Toby spoke again. “I really worry about him, all jokes aside. Like, we can go for months without talking and pick up where we left off, but...those months in between when he doesn’t talk to me...they can get scary.”

“I know what you mean,” Emile sighed. “There are nights where I wake up with cold sweats from nightmares that Remy never dropped out of college and I went to his room one day to see that he’d hung himself. Fortunately, I wake up next to him to know he’s alive. I know you don’t have that luxury.”

Toby shook his head. “That’s when I usually call first thing the next morning...on the bad days. I can never get back to sleep but I wait until it’s seven before I call because I know you guys have sleep to catch up on. You don’t need to listen to my crazed, nightmare-induced ramblings.”

“I’d listen,” Emile said.

“Really?” Toby asked skeptically.

“Of course,” Emile said, turning to look at Remy, serving coffee with the biggest grin on his face as the customer complimented the store. “That’s what family does for each other.”

#if there's a place i could be #sanders sides fanfiction #remile #emile picani #ts sleep

[seerofmike]

i feel like a huge portion of kpop fans are gay fetishists attracted to the idea of quote unquote feminine men and thats why theres so much bullshit

YES okay. okay let me rant for a minute. let me preface this by saying i am NOT a kpop shipper at ALL. this is going to be long so i’ll put it under a’ ‘read more’ because i’ve been holding it in for TWO FUCKING YEARS BABY!

being mlm in boygroup kpop fandom is literally so exhausting. 99% of the people who ship real life human men from boygroups are fetishists and i will tell u why

obviously we all know of a ship in a fandom where the characters' personalities are twisted to fit the heteronormative view of "top" and "bottom" --one character is hypermasculine (top) and the other one is feminine (bottom). there are typical traits associated with both. the ‘top’ is scary or mean or angry or serious while the ‘bottom’ is emotional or bubbly or shy. while this is egregious, at least its fictional characters. their personalities can be simplified or exaggerated and it doesnt cause any real life harm.

im going to define what i think of as a fetishist: a non-mlm person who overly sexualizes gay men/men they think are gay/gay ships, and forces them into heteronormative roles for their own pleasure. its not even limited to cishet women. plenty of non-mlm lgbt people do this too and its like disheartening. so anyways

enter the kpop fandom

i may be incredibly biased here because one of the most affected members [of bts] is my favorite kpop boy, but oh god is the ‘personality change/simplification’ thing AWFUL here. i do not go out of my way to find fanart or see fanfic threads, but being in the bts fandom, u will inevitably see it and i REALLY wish i didnt

so anyways. my favorite boy ever is hoseok. he is sweet and hardworking and very passionate about dance and he can be serious when needed, but ultimately he tries to be very lighthearted and will consistently laugh or make jokes or do something funny when the other members feel uncomfortable or awkward (mostly during english-speaking interviews). he kisses the members on the cheek a lot/hugs them a lot/cuddles them a lot [this is important for later okay]

of course, theres a lot more to him because he is a multi-faceted real life human being, and i don’t know him personally, but that’s a general idea of what he’s like, okay?

SHIPPERS will have you think differently. some video got popular on youtube ""proving"" that hoseok is a sadist (which is just clips of him jokingly playfighting with the younger members), and the video depicts him as secretly mean and serious, and shippers will use that to say "hoseok is a total top!" and then most fanart or imagines or fanfic threads you see are top!hoseok, using this imagined 'hoseok is a sadistic dom' narrative to fuel their fiction, because SOMEONE has to be the top, so they twist him into this hypermasculine mean person (and probably feminize the 'bottom' of their ship but more on that later)

EXCEPT it is not just fiction. this narrative bleeds into REAL LIFE. you have new armys who dont know anything about the shipping scene, and yet somehow the narrative of hoseok being a secretly mean, sadistic person has already made its way into them. in real life, hoseok likes rainbows and wearing nail stickers and putting glitter in his hair. yet people in the fandom will say shit like "hoseok hates femininity" "hoseok would never wear [thing] because he's a dom"

sometimes on twitter you have ppl like me who say uh actually you guys are really weird and this is fetishy and in real life hoseok is very nice and not sadistic at all, you will UNDOUBTEDLY get comments like "omg hoseok isnt cute/nice when will yall learn he’s secretly like [x] and [x]". you could post a video of hoseok with a puppy titled "wow cute" and u will get like 2 clowns in ur comments going 'hoseok isnt CUTE hes a sadist’ . i wish i was joking but i am not. they will do this for EVERY action hoseok does. he cannot blink without people twisting it into a sexual thing

[also, side note: its funny that, since hoseok is one of the least popular members and therefore one of the least shipped members, he is often the odd man out among pairings, and is assigned 'the straight one' by default, and 9 times out of 10 people who assign him 'the straight one' do all this 'dom daddy hoseok' shit.

which just goes to show that this is indeed a matter of heteronormativity.]

so anyways arguably the most popular ship with hoseok is with yoongi, sope. this absolutely happens to other ships probably but im just using them as an example because i see it the most, being a hobi stan

yoongi is very calm and thoughtful and kind and sometimes appears to be cold/having a bad attitude but its just because of the way he speaks, which is very bluntly. again hes a multi faceted real human and i do not know him personally but thats generally what hes like.

god the fandom. treats him SO BAD. so horribly. he's shorter than hoseok. he's shorter than hoseok and people will exaggerate that literal 1 inch height difference so bad and people will turn his whole personality into shy and blushy and In Love With Hoseok, so in love with hoseok that ‘he gets sad’ when hoseok doesn’t kiss him/hug him/or whatever and IT BLEEDS INTO REAL LIFE.

ANY time hoseok or yoongi do ANYTHING together at ALL, people will ALWAYS push the narrative that hoseok, being the mean sadist he is, is 'hurting' yoongi for not returning his undying love or whatever. hoseok did a vlive where he made bracelets for all the members and he considered putting a cat charm on yoongi's but ultimately decided not to because he was having difficulty and oh my GOD sope stans twisted it into 'hoseok HATES yoongi, yoongi would have been so happy, he would have worn that all the time, hoseok isnt affectionate he hates being close with other people after all :(' which is LITERALLY not true because hoseok gives all his homies good night kisses but okay! whatever fits your narrative!

PEOPLE ACTUALLY HATE HOSEOK BECAUSE OF THIS. BECAUSE OF A SHIP. BECAUSE OF THE MANUFACTURED NARRATIVE PUSHED ONTO HIM BY FETISHISTS SO HE COULD FIT INTO THEIR HETERONORMATIVE ‘TOP’ ROLE. not to be all wahh wahh hoseok is one of the least popular members BUT THIS IS LITERALLY A CONTRIBUTING FACTOR.

everyone """headcanons""" hoseok to be a top so they will make him a MEAN HYPERMASCULINE person. everyone """headcanons""" yoongi as a bottom so they will make him a SOFT UWU HYPERFEMININE person. shippers are literally pigeonholing the two of them into fujoshi-esque roles for jack-off material.

anyways this all boils down to: gay fetishists will do anything, ANYTHING, to twist characters or real life fucking people to fit their heteronormative view of top and bottom. top=mean and masculine, bottom=soft and feminine. hoseok is a real life human being. yoongi is a real life human being. they both have real life human personalities, and yet shippers twist their personalities into the opposite to fit their narrative, to the point where nonshippers will genuinely view the two of them as something theyre not.

you have tons of armys that theorize that hoseok's happiness is just a mask he puts on to hide a cruel nature. on twitter. on youtube. in fanart and fanfiction. you have tons of armys that truly believe that, despite literally all the evidence, believe he hates being cute, he hates being happy, he hates the members, and hes secretly a dom daddy fuckboy who wants to bend yoongi over a table. hes a real life human being and fetishists doing their fetish thing has real life consequences.

the same is true for bottom!hoseok stans: they overexaggerate his more cutesy personality traits and he does have a 'feminine' figure i.e. he has a rly small waist but they will overexaggerate that as well and give him huge hips and its disgusting but dom!hoseok is far more frequent with far more devastating consequences so i used that as an example but they’re both bad.

people who """"headcanon"""" [like actually headcanon/firmly believe and not just joking or lighthearted] that members are gay will force these types of roles onto the members. if someone genuinely believes that like, yoongi is gay/bi/whatever, and then try to force this subby soft uwu persona onto him, they have no respect for gay people. they dont. gay people are simply objects for their fantasies. their view of gay people is so one-dimensional and so driven by fetishists’ ideas that its actually disheartening.

and god bitches will deadass be homophobic yet still ship real ass human idols. not just for bts specifically but all boygroup fandoms. sometimes when you search up an idol's name, [idol] gay will be trending--whether it be because of people saying "im gay for him" or whatever, and a LOT of cishet people will try 'clearing' the searches because being gay is bad or something. people normally ‘clear’ the searches if something like [idol fat] or [idol ugly] are trending, which im telling you so you know the context that people only clear the searches when bad things are happening.

[never forget that time 'jungkook gay' was trending and bitches were like "lets clear the searches!" but their pinned tweet said some shit like "sub jungkook x dom jimin coffee shop smut au thread 🌈". bitches also be like i cant be homophobic i ship taekook]

and hoseok and yoongi arent the only ones affected ! we could get into why namjoon and jin (another popular ship) are often assigned 'dad' and 'mom' respectively, or the fact that gay fetishists not only twist members' personalities to fit their ship narrative, but will also force tropes onto them i.e. taehyung/jungkook shippers who will literally demonize jimin and call him a slut or say that he's trying to 'get in the way of' of taekook or 'steal' taehyung/jungkook but thats a whole DIFFERENT rant baby! racism/asian fetishism is also definitely a present factor in all of this but this focus was primarily on gay fetishism and heteronormativity.

oh my god i could also get into the severe transphobia/trans fetishism in this fandom too but this post is already long enough as it is

tl dr: gay fetishists will fetishize real life people and it has actual real life effects and we should ban straight women from shipping mlm

#nobody is going to read this but i just needed to let it out man #fucking hate bts stans #fucking hate kpoppies #fuck u if ur not mlm like actually