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eemcintyre · 24 days

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"Seawolf: The Pirate's Curse" (2005) review

Surprisingly, honestly... why did I enjoy this? I guess after a couple of major misses for me in the form of "The Kidnapping" and "Beyond Forgiveness", my expectations were appropriately low, but this one actually had some likable characters and humor, and that always manages to rope me in. I have a soft spot for fun, silly action fare like this bc of childhood shows like "The Greatest American Hero", I think.

So, the title never makes any sense... what was it supposed to mean? what curse?

First and foremost, I must say TIG is looking oh-so-very pretty and rugged here- the necklaces, the bandanas, the curly-q hair, the tank tops, the sweaty, the ARMMMSSSS 😩

Initially had absolutely no clue what was going on in the beginning; a bunch of people with weird ass outfits in the dark and I was just like please no don't let that be him in the damn fucking cape and eyepatch and o n e l e g; I was like he can't possibly have one leg the whole time, right?? 🤨

But yeah I was definitely experiencing the "dear God what did I get myself into, cheers to another awful mess" 🫡🥂

Why does half the audio sound dubbed (particularly everything that comes out of Rachel's mouth)? Also props to Rachel for being the most emotionally unaffected person ever bc her reactions were so disproportionately calm to what would happen if my bf was constantly disappearing overseas and totaled my gorgeous pink car

We're getting some very Max Parrish-type hooting and hollering up in here; a concise summary of Thorpe is that he's basically if Max had a boat and was an alcoholic instead of a drug addict

We get another hallmark of TIG's movies with a slew of incredibly cringe one-liners that elicit a physical reaction of pain from me, but for every few there was actually a genuinely funny one here and there, so I'll allow it this time...

The whole "I'm a pirate, my father was a pirate, etc." speech had me ROLLING and NOT IN THE WAY THE WRITERS INTENDED I THINK BC HUH??

When he met Helene in that random room full of paintings I was sure we were supposed to take it that the mission was smth art theft-related. but no she just has a passion for maximalist design ig.

Why does the camera get randomly shaky for no reason? Very avant-garde of them

Am I the only one who thinks that Carlos looks like a Walmart George Clooney? Someone else pls tell me I'm not insane

Always throws me off-guard but it's such fun to see TIG in an uncharacteristically light scene like the one where he's dancing in the parade and surrounded by the circle of dancers in the bar. At least he seemed like he was having a good time in this movie 🎉

Ramon and his lil book and the bar scene of Thorpe and Helene drunkenly arguing w each other and sitting on the side of the road was what really started to sell me

anD THEN HE FKIN DR A G S HER ASS 😂

Plus I cannot go without mentioning my appreciation for the way he was holding her knee 👀💕

Love how he spends the majority of this movie just dressed like someone's hot dad who works out, in his cargo shorts, tank top and goatee- oH WAIT IT'S BC HE IS A HOT DAD WHO WORKS OUT IN REAL LIFE

Love how Carlos and all the other villains are devoid of personality or motive except for ~money~, like "the Colonel" doesn't even have a name!!!

Was genuinely stressed that my boy was going to clock himself in the head when he was swinging that rope trying to scale that building

When Helene straight-up PUNCHED HER SISTER IN THE FACE like these ladies have some beef and I need to know where it stems from

This film is another great example of TIG's grossly underutilized comedic potential- a là the map reading scene

Hilarious how Carlos just shrugs like "I don't care, whatever I guess" when who he believes to be Marlena says she wants to say a dramatic goodbye to Thorpe

Ok but how did he not die?? Thank goodness but how??

Even more hilarious how the Colonel, who has had nothing but hatred and murderous intent for Thorpe throughout, is just so touched by Thorpe's being a ✨ big softie with morals ✨ that his vengeful compulsions are soothed and he's content with taking the gold like "hey bro, we're square now <3" and just fuckin walks away

Good on them for giving the treasure back to Mexico

Was legit concerned for too long there that they weren't actually going to end up together and I was screeching

DO THEY ACTUALLY USE THE SAME SHOT OF THE BOAT AT SUNSET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE AND AT THE END?? lmaooo

Honestly, I think they could have leaned even more into the humorous aspect and the treasure hunt part of the film; made it a bit more of a National Treasure/Indiana Jones sort of thing, and I definitely would have liked some more character development, esp. for the sidekicks and villains, but overall, I award this film an unexpected 6/10. I had a good time 🙃🩷

#thomas ian griffith #the pirate's curse #seawolf #seawolf: the pirate's curse #jeffrey thorpe #film review #movie review

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plounce · 1 year

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as someone whos played ffxiv for almost 8 years now i gotta say its SO exciting to see youve started playing. i really enjoy seeing you talking about trc and kurofai (unfortunately i know absolutely nothing about xmen so it goes right over my head) and so im excited to see any thoughts you have about the ffxiv story and characters!

HEEHEEHEE. most of my ffxivposting has been in a thread on my twt priv, but after the recent botslaughter im gonna try and move it over here.

im at the beginning of stormblood. here are my thoughts:

as i said previously, in ARR i was very meh on alphinaud. i have a grudge against his ARR va (due to critical role), i was like "WHY are we starting a PARAMILITARY ORG", and i was kind of like hey. im playing a 6ft tall elf lady with a huge axe. you fancy little twerp dont boss me around. the end of ARR was soooo crazy and good though, really kicked the plot into gear for me, and those cutscenes were like WHOA!! OMG THE GUY FROM THE BEGINNING CUTSCENE... and in heavensward he became my little boy. because he basically reversed all the things i didnt really like about him. new VA. constant regret and shame about the crystal braves. and everyone was like awww hahaha youre a nice little boy. and he is. he is a boy. and he's polite. and he got a new outfit that covered his midriff, which i appreciated.

minfillia... im sorry. her VA was so insanely bad. and i never really DID anything with her that made me feel attached to her. she felt very bland and generic. i was like okay cool 👍 see ya. i also think her outfit was so blaaaahhhh like it gave me girl next door final fantasy character, NOT leader of an NGO, which would have been more appealing to me.

y'shtola: one of my mutuals is constantly posting her very cute WoL/yshtola fanart and i thought i would like a bit more than i presently do... i like her! i just feel like she hasnt gotten to do very much that isnt going "hmm.. aether." i think it's delightful that she shares a VA with sera from dragon age. bitches with bangs 4 lesbians

urianger: when i first saw urianger i was aghast. i was like. PEOPLE ARE HORNY FOR THAT THING? but now that ive seen more of his shb/edw outfit im like aha i see. you have gender. you're either like "do not perceiveth me" or "dripping with gold in a lightweight backless gown". i really enjoyed his undercover outfit with the WoD. i don't think he did anything wrong. he was like "yeah i did lie to everyone and help manipulate events to send minfilia to a different data center. i feel absolutely awful about it, i wish my trolley problem principles had not made me deceiveth thou all, i am a horrible villain, pray do not feel compelled to forgive me" and i was like nah youre good 👍 like she isnt DEAD. plus he always tried to help me a little bit when he could. i like his funny voice. i like how in ARR he was voiced by fenris dragonage. take those goggles and hood off again mx tism

tataru: if lalafells didn't look like that. i would be shipping my WoL with her. i think she is so cute and fun and a delight. she is a joy. my girl JUGGLES!!!!! she makes OUTFITS!!!!!!!!! she has A KETTLE WITH A FANCY NAME!!!!!!!!!! and she works so hard. im so glad she got to come with us to ishgard. she is my joy. my light...

thancred: i have heard tell that he really leaves behind his initial lothario characterization, and i really have not seen it in forever, which made ARR thancred perfectly fine to me. i was prepared for him to be much more egregious. i wish i knew him a bit better before he got possessed. i was like oh okay! yeah i guess i havent seen him in a while. which made me sad because i love possession storylines i think they are so juicy. his ponytail and rattee (like a ratstache but a goatee) are funny to me. thancred nakey images were funny. there was a moment towards the end of hvw when he came back and i talked to him in ishgard between convos with nobles and he said stuff that was very commiserating and i was like okay i have decided you and my WoL are complaining friends. sipping the haterade together. i think he's like 5'7". like with alphinaud, the character development in this game has really surprised me with how effective it feels. i look forward to seeing him grimly yet compassionately fail forward even more. and to be a single dad. aforementioned mutual (who i know through klapollo) is into thancred/urianger so im also looking forward to confining them into the yaoi compartment

cid: HE IS MY FRIEND :) i love how he's a short king. i like how he was simply like "fascism and imperialism are bad. i am going to go fight against it by building big airships :)" no qualms no struggle just knew what was right and went and did it. he's like a gay older coworker who you go out for drinks with sometimes and invites you to barbeques. i enjoy him and nero's turbodivorce saga.

alisaie: i completely forgot to do all the bahamut raids in ARR so when she showed up post-hvw i was like oh it's time for the girltwin! and she was like "oh we've worked together already :)" and i was like oh god. we only had one conversation. oops. so far i think she's a delight. i have heard that she's a bit of a lesbo. good for her. love that she gets a sword and she gets to be the mean one of the two twins. i cant wait for her little red jacket. looking forward to more >:)

krile: have not seen much of her so far but i LOVE how she has a cloak with cat ears, so cute. LOVE how she teases alphinaud. im like yes... shared character history... quite fun...

ysayle: I LOVE YOU DRAGON ELSAGARD I LOVE YOUUUUUU BIIIIIIIIITCH... I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. i love her style. i love her political convictions. i love her gap moe with the moogles. i think my WoL had a crush on her. i think it's messed up that during the scene where the WoL and alphinaud are prying the eyes off of estinien, she touches alphinaud's hand. she should be touching MY HAND!!!!!!!!!!!! all love to haurchefaunt but I BONDED WITH HER.

estinien: i know many people like estinien. every time he spoke a word at ysayle i felt like a barking like her guard dog. DONT YOU SPEAK TO MY GIRL IN THAT TONE YOU BROODYBOY SMELLMAN. SHUT UP. i assume he softens up now that he is retired from All That. i thought his relationship with alphinaud was very sweet - i liked when he taught alphinaud how to gather firewood. i think my WoL only tolerates estinien because alphinaud is so attached.

haurchefant: i was still barely reading dialogue in ARR when he was introduced. so he showed up and was like OMG HI AGAIN BESTIE!!!!!! and i was like oh! that man! one of my friends is gaymarried to him so he's like my gay brother-in-law. i am a lesbian and my WoL is also a lesbian so we were hagging/tyking (dyke tyke) out with each other. the facial animation on the WoL when he croaks was astoundingly good. i call him horsey

aymeric: well he certainly is competent, principled, and nice. one of the more handsome elezen men in the game. i know he's implied playersexual so i really need him to stop inviting me to dinner because i have had conversations with dude friends like that before and it is so painfully awkward. i think it is great that he committed fratricide AND popecide. wahoo!

lyse: i really enjoyed yda. yknow. i thought she was such a fun cockney karate bimbo. i didn't know she was lyse. i've heard about lyse. and how she is conspicuously the only blonde blue-eyed ala mhigan. and how she is a source of some of the collar-tugging politics in stormblood. sigh. so. i am now burdened with her.

raubahn: I LOVE RAUBAHNNNNNNNNNN I LOVE HIMMMM i love how he has a small adult son. i love how he is trying so hard. i love how he is so righteous and hardworking. the misery lolorito and ilberd put him through during hvw made me so mad on his behalf. when lolorito was like "oh, how we laughed at how upset you were!" i was like RAUBAHN. HE IS THE PERFECT HEIGHT FOR YOU TO JUST PUNT ACROSS THE TOWN SQUARE. PUNT HIM RAUBAHN. YOU DESERVE IT. and i love a one-armed king. kurogane swag

lucia: i think she is cool and fun. hahaha dont potentially be in love with aymeric queen youre so hot and cool and butch

matoya: SHE'S SO COOL. I LOVE HER DESIGN. HER VOICE ACTING. AND HER RUDENESS. AND OF COURSE THE FROGS

moenbryda: i thought she was so fun and cool. i was like cool!! new character!! big funny woman i love it!! and then near bluefog she dished about her childhood a little and i was like... is that a deathflag. and it was :(

okay thats all the npcs i can think to have anything to say about.

i was pleasantly surprised by the way that lalafells are not the lolibait/shotabait i had grimly prepared for them to be. they are just short funny guys for the most part. moving past that, i then got slammed into by the giant brick that says "BEAST TRIBES". i heard that the new writer has made their writing a lot better (apparently the alliance leaders acknowledge that they have been basically been doing genocide on these sentient beings, which is helping me push forward through stuff)! i do their quests really regularly because i like helping them out. i would really love to see someone with more expertise on the subject write about the presentation of indigenous peoples in ffxiv, because i think that there is a lot going on that is vital to critically inspect.

i have to go eat dinner now. but i will try to post more thoughts on here as i have them >:)

#chirps #long post #ffxiv

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schwirrymartz · 5 months

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huh. so i watched it, as you may or may not have gathered from some of my previous reblogs.

0. Well, we all are clowns. I-it's not like I hoped to see anything, b-baka!!1!

0.5. DT can still kiss men as the Doctor. He will. Trust me. I'm in RTD's walls right now.

1. So. My rating of the specials: WBY > TSB > TG. It may be noticeable because my thoughts are coherent, unlike after WBY :D

2. The bi-generation, which turned out to be true? Uhhhh... not a big fan of it, tbh, and I was hoping that the Doctors would merge into one as soon as 14, um. Sorts himself out? Understands the importance of talking to people and taking breaks from all the shit? Something like this. But, maybe, just maybe, it will happen. Some time in the future.

2.5. I sort-of headcanon the bi-generation as the Toymaker's doing. Or the consequence of him screwing the reality up.

3. The implication that the Master, while being in the tooth, first enjoyed the ride with pop-music, and then* basically told the Toymaker to fuck himself? Great.

4. The Toymaker's grand entrance? With music and rose petals? Fantastic. Dr Who villains can do it every time, and I WILL be hyped and enjoy it EVERY time. Great.

5. Doctor, your villain-fuckery is becoming quite concerning.

6. I don't want to go on twitter until after the Christmas special.

7. Basically, these specials were full of homages to the first four seasons + s4 specials. Almost a speedrun of them (which is fine, it's the anniversary specials, of course they must be all fan service and nostalgia).

8. Overall rating is 7/10. (N (N ∈ {1, 2, 3}) points are for the music number. Obviously.)

9. WHO WAS THE MAN WITH A GOATEE?????????????????

______________________

* — after seeing the Doctor cheating! on! him! in! front! of! him! and also dividing into two, which means twice as much Doctors, yay! Fuck and kiss you both at the same time, huh?

#dw #dw spoilers #doctor who spoilers

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raven-at-the-writing-desk · 2 years

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ace ruggie azul jamil for the character bingo! if four is too much, just ace ruggie and azul is fine!

Character Opinion Bingo for Azul here!

Character Opinion Bingo for Ruggie here!

***Standard disclaimer: These are just my personal opinions of the character(s); regardless of what I may think of them, sharing my thoughts is NOT meant to offend or to shame anyone that thinks differently.***

HEY IT’S J WORD

... Oh, wrong J word 😔 IT’S OKAY, I LIKE JAMIL TOO

I’m going to be real with you, I’ve got a thing for butler/bodyguard characters, and since Jamil is presented as Kalim’s caretaker (kind of like a butler) AND Jamil is professionally trained as a bodyguard (confirmed in episode 6), he checks off a lot of boxes for me. I actually feel kind of guilty for liking Jamil because of those attributes though, since he has stated that he dislikes his position in life 💦 I do like other aspects of Jamil, though! It’s just the butler/bodyguard vibes that initially drew me to him, along with his appearance. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a character with a hairstyle as intricate as Jamil’s??????? But it’s really pleasing to look at (and probably really pleasing to listen to, like just imagine all the little hair ornaments clinking or jingling as he walks)! His eyes are also interesting; they look kind of blank at first glance, but upon further inspection I kind of understand what Leona meant when he said Jamil has eyes that “always glare”.

I think the best thing about Jamil is how... understated he is? He has a resting bitch face, and he acts so unassuming, but when he’s given a chance to speak from the heart, he can be petty and passive aggressive 🤣 which I think is a real treat! As I mentioned in my character opinion bingo for Vil, I love characters who operate under the radar or scheme in the shadows, and Jamil definitely does so it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that I like him. Jamil also gives off those intense “tired mom”, “disappointed but not surprised”, and “I’m so done with this shit” energy, which I find extremely relatable. I feel bad for him when I see him suffering (because I know I would also be exasperated if I were in his shoes), but at the same time I have a sadistic part of me that wants to giggle, thankful that I’m not him right now. If I stop pointing and laughing at Jamil for a second, I’m happy that he finally has a little more wiggle room to act freely; the poor man’s been through a lot and he REALLY deserves a vacation and some freedom.

Weirdly enough, I don’t enjoy Jamil as much when he goes unhinged because he makes uncomfortable and unflattering facial expressions when he does ashdbaosydasdsd ALSO, LIKE. I don’t know if this is just me, but Jamil’s brand of “evil” feels like he’s trying too hard????? So it ends up coming across to me as more pathetic than how Jamil wants it to be perceived... especially when he laughs like that and has extended monologues about how great he is and how he has finally succeeded with his plans. It feels like I’m watching a Saturday morning cartoon where the villain is making their speech about how it’s too late to stop them RIGHT BEFORE THE HEROES CRASH IN AND STOP THEM. I’m also not a fan of his Overblot design, especially the weird hair-snake turban and the ink goatee thing??????????? THAT’S SO UGLY AND JAMIL DESERVED BETTER 😭

I think Jamil gets it kind of bad when it comes to fandom takes. I don’t believe I’ve seen anything that outright paints him as a “bad” person completely in the wrong after the events of episode 4, but I get the distinct impression that people oversimplify Jamil’s issues. “Oh, Kalim can just set him free when he succeeds the Asim family”/”Kalim can talk to his dad about it”, as if it’s just as easy to do as Aladdin wishing the Genie free. Kalim himself acts like it’s something can be easily done. It’s not, and to believe that it is as Kalim does demonstrates a sense of naivety. The fact of the matter is that this is something that extends far beyond what Kalim or Jamil can do individually to resolve it; it’s not a problem between just them, but between them and the systems that their families have become so accustomed to. You cannot just shatter or overturn a generations-long relationship just like that, which is exactly why Jamil is forced into a position where he HAS to continue serving under Kalim post-episode 4. Believing that it’s so simple undermines Jamil’s struggles and paints him as someone who was overreacting to a problem that could “easily” be resolved.

Another common take I see about Jamil is that he apparently hates Kalim and Kalim specifically (especially seeing as Jamil goes off on a rant post-OB about how much he despises Kalim’s smile and having to serve him). I believe it’s true to some extent, but that it’s also not the entirety of the picture. Why does Jamil hate Kalim? Because he’s forced to work for him? No, what Jamil truly hates is what Kalim stands for, the people who happen to be born in higher social statuses and are ignorant to the struggles of the people below them. He just happens to project his anger at Kalim in particular because he’s an easy target and someone he’s always with. “As long as [Kalim] exists, I will never be free,” Jamil says. Why? If Kalim dies, won’t Jamil just be relegated to serving the rest of the VERY extensive Asim family? Therefore, literally being rid of Kalim and Kalim alone would do nothing to alleviate Jamil’s distress. This leads me to believe “Kalim” in that line is metaphorical and refers to the establishments that Jamil hates, the thing that Kalim represents, rather than Kalim himself.

In episode 6, Jamil demonstrates holding similar vitriol for other people, such as Leona, and expresses disdain toward others and feels as though he cannot trust anyone at all to be competent. He directs a lot of hate to the people around him, but often just keeps it to himself to maintain a veneer of politeness... and I don’t think that’s healthy for him 😔 Good on Leona for talking some sense into him-- Jamil could literally be so powerful if he wasn’t busy blaming others for his own complicated emotions and being held back by his own ego.

I’ve already mentioned that I relate to Jamil a lot in terms of his energy, but even more than just that, I relate to Jamil in terms of his struggle against a society that doesn’t understand or find value in his desire to be free. I’m not going to go into too much detail about my own issue, but I know what Jamil is feeling and how difficult those feelings can be. I know what it’s like to feel helpless and like nothing can be done to help myself when it seems like the whole world and all of its systems were designed to work against you... but I also have way too much pride and too little trust in others to speak openly about it. Maybe I’m thinking way too hard about this or maybe I’m just projecting way too strongly, but Jamil is so much like me that it hurts 😭 I want to break free too, Jamil... I get you, my dude. LET’S BE FRIENDS--

I’m very split on Ace. On one hand, I don’t tend to like immature characters (which, let’s be honest, Ace is), but on the other hand, he has a kind of charm to his brattiness. His bright personality touched with mischief is refreshing, and I particularly adore the voice impressions he does of other characters (they’re really cute!)~ ... But at the same time, I really cannot stand it when Ace talks for too long, because he inevitably ends up doing or saying something to make me regret ever thinking he was cute to begin with (like when he dodges responsibility or blames other people for his fuck-ups). I also do not care for his selfish side or when he speaks without a filter; he needs to watch what he says a little better, because it constantly nets him trouble and makes me facepalm.

I guess I would liken Ace to a little brother? Like, he constantly gets on my nerves, but I end up forgiving him sooner or later because he’ll do something cute or say something snarky that temporarily redeems him right before he does something stupid or terrible again to make my opinion of him do another 180. I just kind of want to squish him into a little pouch and carry him around on my back so I can keep my eye on him at all times and make sure he’s not causing more trouble for himself or for others 😔

OKAY, NOTHING AGAINST HOW ACE LOOKS BUT HE HAS SOME OF THE MOST “GENERIC ANIME PROTAG” HAIR I’VE EVER SEEN with maybe only Deuce being the character that one-ups him in terms of “generic anime protag” hair-ness. It works well with Ace’s cheery (yet sassy) personality, but every time I see him I can’t help but think “Wow, you look like such a protag.” The funniest part about that is Ace acts NOTHING like a stereotypical bland nice guy protag, he’s such a fucking asshole 😂 which, again, I’m very conflicted on because sometimes his asshole-ry or brutal honesty is funny or warranted (like when he calls Riddle out), but other times it’s straight up just mean for no good reason (particularly when he bullies Deuce).

The ONE thing I will firmly defend about Ace is that he is a lot more clever than people usually think he is. The fandom frequently refers to Ace and Deuce together as “the single brain cell duo” (sometimes trio, if Grim is included in the count), implying that they’re all pretty dumb. It’s definitely true that Ace is lacking in terms of his grades, but that’s moreso because he is too lazy to put effort into studying, not because he is inherently “stupid”. Ace is the REVERSE of Deuce, because Deuce is the one that actually puts forth an honest effort to be an honors student but lacks inherent classroom smarts, whereas Ace is the one that CAN be smart if he applies himself in lessons but he’d rather slack. He is a very quick thinker and an adept liar when he wants to be, and I think Ace deserves more credit for that.

Something that’s been bothering me about Ace is his lack of presence in recent main story content. He was gone for most of episode 4, barely did anything in episode 5 except for getting cursed and being mean to Deuce, and then in episode 6 he gets knocked out along with Deuce, so he can’t go along with Pomefiore for the rescue mission. I was really hoping to see Ace getting jealous of Deuce’s unique magic or feeling left out or useless because he hasn’t gotten his own yet 🤔 With how long of an episode 6 is, it feels so weird having this large span of the main story (even if, in universe, it has only been a few days between 5 and 6) where we get NOTHING on Ace’s feelings post-VDC. Episode 7, it’s all up to you now... Please let Ace reflect on his own actions and question his own abilities or something, PLEASE LET ACE GET HIS UNIQUE MAGIC TOO.

#Ace Trappola #Jamil Viper #twst #twisted wonderland #disney twisted wonderland #notes from the writing raven #spoilers #ask game #character opinion bingo

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benjaminthewolf · 2 years

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A Chef’s Snack (Vore Story)

OH BOY WHERE TO EVEN START ON THIS ONE-

So this story was started all the way back during the summer but was abandoned soon after. Only now have I decided to come back and finish it, and wow I cannot describe to you the amount of relief I feel now that this is finally done. Just uh…yeah, enjoy.

****

“ COME BACK HERE WITH THOSE BABY TAPIRS, DONITA!” Chris Kratt cried out to the villainous fashion designer Donita Donata between his sprinting pants through the dense, humid Brazilian rainforest as she continued to comfortably cruise along in her pink jet-scooter while hauling a bunch of captured Tapir young behind herself via posebeam.

“YEAH, THEY DON’T DESERVE TO BE MADE INTO FUR COATS FOR YOUR FASHION LINE! THEY DESERVE TO BE LIVING FREE AND IN THE WILD!” his brother Martin added on just a few seconds later.

To the Kratt brothers’ persistent, unwavering trademark environmental preaching, Donita could only scoff and roll her eyes.

“Dabio, would you be so kind as to take care of them for me please? I need to work on designing my new line of Tapir fur products; OOH LA LA! Isn’t it just exquisite?” she instructed her decidedly dim-witted and gullible, yet somehow considerably handsome, blonde, and buff minion laying leisurely upon the backseat of the scooter.

Dabio, adhering to Donita’s demands, instantly pulled another pose beam ball out of cartoon hammerspace and aimed it towards the pursuing brothers, letting out an obedient: “Yes, Donita!” as he did. The first couple shots were just barely able to be dodged by the chasing brothers, ducking and weaving away from the commanding control of the magenta energy beams as they did their very best to keep up the pace on the two longtime greed-filled eco-villains.

Unbeknownst to the two brothers, however, was that Donita’s current Tapir plight, was only but a diversion. A diversion that would allow the show’s other two main villains to infiltrate the Wild Kratts Tortuga completely unseen.

“Hehehehehe! Never saw this one coming, isn’t that right you Wild Ratts?” Zach Varmitech, a tall lean man with smooth, black shiny hair, as well as a goatee, a black sweater, green eyes, and pale gray skin slowly rose out of some nearby brush twiddling his fingers together in the way that cartoon villains do.

“Once we steal those o’ so precious tellurium crystals right out of that turtle ship from under your noses, it's bye bye to your beloved creature adventuring FOREVER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!”

“And better yet, Zach,” the villainous chef Gourmand piped up as he, too, rose up from the brush. “Once those crystals are ours, we’ll be able to kickstart OUR OWN creature adventuring with generous amounts of funding! Hehehehehehe!”

Gourmand wore a typical chef’s outfit, and had a rather large, muscular upper body and arms, as well as a shaved head, with a bulbous, pink nose protruding from the middle of his face that he considered to be his best feature. He had a metal quiver on his back that held a wide array of cooking utensils from spatulas to rolling pins.

Whilst Donita continued leading Chris and Martin left right, diagonal, and away from Tortuga HQ through the thick, humid, sight-inhibiting floor of the lively Brazilian Rainforest, Zach and Gourmand villainously tip-toed towards the Wild Kratt crew’s iconic turtle ship as silently as they could manage, before at last, they were lying within some bushes just a few feet away from the entrance ramp leading up to the unorthodox aircraft’s main door, prompting Gourmand to relay the plan to his heist partner one last time before said plan was put into action.

“Okay Zach, now ya see that shell plate panel thing that’s riiight above the leg on the right side?”

“Wha-of course I do! I’m not that incompitent!” Zach semi-agressively snapped back, causing Gourmand to roll his eyes.

“Well if you lift up that panel, there’s a secret entrance into the air ducts through there.” he did his best to continued on in the most professional tone he could muster.

“...because of course it's always gotta be the air ducts.” Zach grumbled to himself as he and Gourmand began to rise out of the bushes once more in order to sneak their way over to the Tourtuga’s right leg.

Once the two of them had made it, Zach immediately began trying to hop up onto the light green, metal limb in order to reach the described panel. When this didn’t work, he thought he might be able to scale it by climbing. Upon witnessing both of these attempts failing miserably, Gourmand smacked his palm on his forehead.

“Can you seriously not make it up there?” he sighed heavily in slight embarrassment to his heist partner as the struggling, weak man slowly slid back down the slick electronic leg upon yet another attempt to climb up it.

“Easy for you to say! I’m not the one with the grotesque, hairy gorilla arms here!” Zach instantly spat back in contempt, before realizing just how stupid he really was to have uttered that sentence but a nanosecond later, prompting him to frantically screech out: “WAIT NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WAIT!” in a desperate attempt to save his skinny ass from what was coming next. Unfortunately for him, the deed had already been done.

A, naturally, considerably pissed off and rage-blinded Gourmand bolted over to the foot of the metal limb, picking up Zach’s now completely and utterly limp-from-fear being by the back of his sweater’s neck, aggressively and non-mercifully twirling him around a few times in his grasp, before at last letting go and firmly flinging him up towards the panel with speed that would make a Cheetah jealous; but due to Gourmand having aimed a little too high, Zach splat face-first onto a panel a couple feet above instead, sliding down the smooth surface of the shell plates as such with that iconic cartoon squeaking noise, before at last sticking a landing. His legs dangled freely on either side of the turtle ship’s own, the impact causing him to let out a bit of a pained “Ow…” a few seconds later, leaving Gourmand from below filled to the absolute brim with nothing, zip, nada, but the sweet, sweet, sweet feeling of revenge.

“AHAHAHAHAH! JUST LIKE AN ANNOYING LITTLE FLY, YES, THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

As Gourmand only continued to cry out his gutheral screeches of victory, Zack on top of the leg had finally recovered to the point where he was able to start fumbling his fingers around on the surface of the panel in an attempt to figure out how to open it. After a few seconds of aimlessly tapping around and praying something would happen, the metallic plate finally opened up via a subtle beep noise and a subsequent sliding down into an unseen compartment somewhere underneath, causing the thin, goth man observing the spectacle to give a small shrug, shake his head for a while, and at last call out a firm “HEY!” to the chortiling chef below in an attempt to reassert some level of control over the situation at large.

“Yeah that’s right ya fatty, stand still and be shocked! ‘Cause while you were down there gloating your supposed superiority, I actually managed to get this stuppid thing to open, so why don’t you make yourself at least somewhat useful and get inside already?”

Gourmand almost instantly screeched to a halt. “I’m sorry…what did you just say to me, now?” he slowly scowled out, naturally not very fond of having his situational authority challenged. Or being called a fatty.

“I SAID GET A MOVE ON YA BIG FAT LUG, OR HOW ELSE ARE WE GONNA STEAL THOSE CRYSTALS?” Zack’s voice echoed out from inside the Wild Kratts’ ship as the lean, gray man carefully clambered his way inside.

Despite all his past attempts to make sure that this mission happened the other way round in terms o the division of power, Gourmand was now left with absolutely nothing else he could do except silently follow behind, letting out a slight *pffft* noise, narrowing his eyes and sticking out his tongue in the direction Zack had just been, before at last making his way over to the Tortuga’s leg, so he may climb up its length, and finally make his way inside.

****

“NNNNRGH-STUPID-AAAA!” Gourmand growled out in irritation due to having gotten somewhat stuck in the tortuga’s ventilation system on the way into its chambers. A sudden pop noise could be heard echoing through the air, followed promptly by a great thud, an “OOF!” and finally, a low-pitched “Ungh…”

“Well…” the former gourmet chef mumbled to himself while gazing rather transfixatedly around the room. “We’re here.”

Brushing himself off as he peeled his poor, flattened being off the ground, Zack could only murmur a few somewhat agreeing: “Yeah, yeah, whatever” s as he, too, surveyed the area around them.

The two of them had ended up inside the invention storage room, surrounded in full by all the technological bits and bobs that the Wild Kratts crew would utilize on each of their creature inventions. Everything from the iconic miniaturizer to the lesser known buzz bikes were there.

As none of these inventions were the planned targets of the two villains, however, both of them were rather quick to internally dismiss them all as useful to the mission as they attempted to remember what room the tellurium crystals they were actually after were even located in in the first place.

“I…can’t seem to remember, was it the engine room?” Zack calmly asked himself out loud as Gourmand right behind him only rolled his eyes.

“Didn’t Donita tell you this before we started the mission?” he piped up suddenly at the sight of Zack not remembering the room.

“Tell YOU?” The thin, gray man almost immediately snapped back while scoffing in disgust. “She told the both of us! Don’t you try to weasel yourself out of responsibility this time, big nose!”

It was right in that moment, right in that one, singular moment, when Gourmand’s being snapped. Clenching his teeth aggressively whilst taking one step forward, the now positively fuming man could only let out a hushed: “I’m sorry, what did you say about my nose?” while maintaining rather tight eye contact with his soon to be victim as such, provided Zack refused to apologize right then and there of course. Making fun of his weight was one thing. Making fun of his arms was another thing. But making fun of his nose? His beloved king sized schnoz? Nuh-uh. That. THAT. Crossed a line.

“YEAH YOU HEARD ME YOU PATHETIC CHUBBY NOSED CHEF! YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A REAL LICENSE! AT LEAST I HAVE A LEGITIMATE INVENTOR’S LICENSE, YOU-”

Silence. All that rang throughout the Tortuga HQ’s invention storage room in those next few seconds, was, quite simply, only silence.

****

“Urrrgh… *cough cough* ugh…where am I?” a considerably groggy Zack, who couldn’t remember at first how he had gotten knocked out in the first place, wheezed out while gingerly lifting his head off the floor. The first thing he was able to pick up was the color white upon the ground. While this did indeed confirm to him that he hadn’t been killed by whatever force had previously knocked him unconscious, it still left him with far, far more questions than answers.

Attempting to clear his vision as he made out many large, blurry, multi-colored shapes from his slowly adjusting field of view, Zack’s eyes swiftly snapped onto what was currently the biggest object he could see, a largely tan one with a bit more white around it to boot. The poor, gray man would have to wait a little while for his brain to finish booting back up before he was able to place an identity on what the thing was, but luckily for him, the moment this task was accomplished, the rest of his previously waking body practically insta-reset itself in a jolt as the terrified, skinny man frantically scrambled to his feet.

“G-GOURMAND!” was all he was able to sputter out as the now gigantic chef before him gave a single hearty laugh.

“YES THAT’S RIGHT YA PUNY, FRAIL LITTLE COCKROACH! TOOK YA LONG ENOUGH TO ESCAPE FROM DREAMLAND, HUH? DIDN’T IT?”

Zack was absolutely lost for words. Not because of anything Gourmand was saying to him, but because he still had absolutely no clue how he had gotten so small in the first place. It wasn’t until he began to meticulously piece all his observations together, however, did he finally understand. The white-gray bottom, the circular shape, the fact he was shrunk…all of it could only point towards one thing…

“LOOKS LIKE THIS DARNED MINIATURIZER CAME OF SOME USE FOR ME AFTER ALL, HEHEHE!” Gourmand only continued on, hurling sentence after sentence of overjoyed, catharsis inducing insults at his tiny fellow villain, as Zack standing on the center of the invention was only able to stand still and shudder.

“...wh-what’s going to happen to me now?” Zack slowly stammered out in pure, undistilled horror as the looming giant before him formed a cheeky grin upon his face.

“WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN TO YA? WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN TO YA? THINK ABOUT IT, ZACK!” Gourmand practically howled out at the miniaturized man below as the delightful jittering across his body only grew. “Why…I am a chef, Zack.” Gourmand began to explain before swiftly reaching out an arm and aggressively clenching his grasp around the form of the poor, unresisting tiny as such, before getting up to his full height and raising his fist to the sky. “Which would, naturally, make you……MY DINNER!”

And just like that, Gourmand’s fist opened up, causing Zack to plummet unrelentingly into the gaping, cavernous maw that awaited him below. The larger man’s hot breath brushed upon his skin as he breached the barrier of the lips, causing Gourmand to snap shut his jaws but a mere second later, trapping poor Zack inside as a result.

Zack had become so mentally numb at this point that he didn’t even fight back at all as the slick, smooth tongue gently slid its way out underneath him and began to douse him thoroughly with its warm, sticky saliva, starting, of course, with his head. The sleek, pink muscle trailed across the shrunken man’s hair and face, coating it nicely in a thin layer of wetness, before tracing itself around the man’s middle, stopping periodically so it may savor the taste upon its buds for but a few moments.

Gourmand could not help but drool a little as he rigorously examined the flavor. Zack tasted a bit like a delicious Oreo cookie, his dark black hair and clothes acting as the cookie’s exterior, while his gray-ish skin exuded the taste of the creamy white stuff within. The considerably larger chef on the outside delicately soaked in the tingling upon his tongue as he practically wrapped up poor Zack in a squishy blanket of flesh before sensually swishing him between his cheeks, warming and wetting the poor man even further with each and every single second gone by.

Eventually, though, it was time for Zack to be delivered down to his ultimate destination. Thus, carefully unwrapping his tongue from his prey, Gourmand immediately flung the poor, unresponsive man all the way towards the back of his throat, the practically frozen man within just barely avoiding scraping his head against the rough ridges at the roof of the maw, and leaving him hanging head-first above the gullet as soon as he landed, able as such to stare all the way down into its deep, squelching confies of Gourmand’s throat, the plump, dangling uvula swinging freely above his head all the while.

Gourmand was just about ready to gulp, thus squeezing Zack into his esophagus and sending him plummeting down towards his stomach, before, for the second time this hour, his body instantly froze.

Zack on the inside had no way of knowing what was going on. In his mind, Gourmand was only stalling the swallow as a method of teasing him, going “Haha, I have the ability to send you into your doom at any time I like, but I choose to suspend the moment, if only for my pleasure!”

Quite unfortunately for the larger man on the outside, however, that was not to be the case. Aviva, Koki, and Jimmy, who had only now returned to the Tortuga, honestly would’ve just chalked it up as a gulp of fear if they had really noticed it, but ultimately, it really didn’t matter. All Gourmand was able to sense in those next few moments were the blurry forms of the rapidly dissipating world and people around him as he frantically dashed for the exit, taking the door closest to him that the three members of the Wild Kratts crew weren’t blocking the way of.

Of course, Zack on the inside still had no idea that what had previously been his and Gourmand’s mission was interrupted. All he was able to pick up as the pink, squishy muscles of the throat continuously squeezed him on down, was the distant, yet rapidly growing heartbeat (in both speed and intensity of course, not like Zack was able to tell,) that boomed and thumped away inside the larger man’s chest.

By the time that the only thing separating Zack from Gourmand’s heart was a thin layer of slick, smooth muscle and saliva, the pounding was practically echoing all around him as his ears worked rapidly to make sense of all the intense audible waves being delivered into them, causing poor Zack within to become numb to the sounds as well after a while, leaving him thus unable to tell when he was to be squelched through the lower esophageal sphincter and make a splash landing into the giant chef’s stomach as a result. Of course, he still had the option to just, well, look down, but in his current state of mind, such a logical thought was practically impossible to be formed, and due to all this, once Zack could feel his feet entering out into a considerably wider area, he knew his journey was just about done.

Gourmand, meanwhile, only seemed to be getting started. Yes, he had managed to get out of the Tortuga just fine at this point, much to the combined confusion of emotions that was relief and dismay of the Wild Kratts crew, but since he had managed to get through that hurdle…now what? He had made it here via Donita’s jet, not his truck, and frankly, he had absolutely no idea where that thing was parked at the moment, so for now, his only option was to run. Internally cursing himself for not knowing where a gigantic, pink jet was located in the middle of a dense, green jungle, Gourmand eventually decided to just dive headfirst into the nearest hole in the ground he saw, and pray continuously that no animal that he couldn’t beat in a fight was inside. Not even a second after he had done this, however, did he sense a slight sloshing motion coming from within his guts. Reasoning it must’ve been from Zack landing inside his stomach, Gourmand let out a sigh. Then he began to think. And think…and…well…eventually, Gourmand had an epiphany.

Yes, the mission failed. Yes, he didn’t have the crystals. Yes, Donita was probably going to hate him for months upon months upon months after this…but, really…in the moment, to Gourmand, none of that mattered. None at all. All that did matter was the fact that right now, the infamous Zack Barnitack, the fellow villain who had just attempted to override his power, was trapped helplessly inside his guts, only able to squirm and shiver around as any attempts to escape were simply all in vain. Of course, due to how out of it he was right now, Zack didn’t exactly have it in him to start resisting, but nonetheless, the point still stood. Winning the war could wait, because right now, the battle was Gourmand’s.

Meanwhile, back on the inside of the victorious chef’s guts, Zack had all but curled into a fetal position against the walls, and was trying his very, very, very best not to shed a tear. He had absolutely no idea why the splashing, rippling pool around him wasn’t painful in nature, but really, that didn’t matter. After humiliation like this, after all, Zack might have even preferred being dead, but regardless, right now, he was alive, and shivering helplessly inside the warm, gurgling chamber that was Gourmand’s stomach. That was his reality, and for the time being, he was just going to have to accept it, in order to not go insane.

The thick, goopy walls churned and squeezed around him as the ambient white noise let out a series of high-pitched gurgles and rumbles, followed after a while by a much lower growl. As the ever-present, enveloping heat continued to soak itself into his skin, and the harmless, liquid pools gently sloshed and swished around him, Zack soon found himself pushing his head and upper body deep into the walls of the stomach, if only so he may make use of their rather cushiony nature, and escape back into a pleasant land of dreams.

Sniffling slightly from the entirety of the situation at hand, it finally began to settle within Zack that if he buckled under pressure like this so easily, handling those situations as a leader was well outside his capabilities.

Of course, all he had been after in the first place was the power, but really, what use was any of that if he didn’t know how to use it? Merely permitting these questions to start to settle in, Zack slowly closed his eyes, as he snuggled up against the walls of the giant villainous chef, until at last, he began to drift asleep.

Allowing his tongue to loll out of his mouth as he gently pat over his guts (the moment he had re-angled himself into a comfortable-ish position inside of the rather tight hole, of course), Gourmand nodded his head, as a soft bout of his iconic, evil laughter leisurely escaped from his throat.

Suddenly feeling something else attempting to escape his throat, Gourmand did have a slight moment of panic where he thought that Zack might have found a way to get hurled back up, but as soon as the deep, echoing force that was a gigantic belch graced the ears of the rather satisfied chef, he rather quickly calmed down with a slight shudder of delight, allowing the reality of the situation to tingle its way up his spine.

Patting over his audibly growling stomach a few times as it tirelessly worked away at all the nutrient slush therein (excepting Zack of course, though Gourmand also had no idea why that was the case, not like it mattered,) Gourmand proceeded to stretch his arms outwards (due to the nature of the tunnel he couldn’t really do so vertically) as a great yawn was released into the area, causing him to gently smack his lips a few times after it had finished.

Over the next few minutes, after having closed his eyes, Gourmand would slowly drift asleep himself, whilst keeping one hand over his guts, absolutely nothing, zip, nada, but wondrous bouts of euphoria coursing through his veins. For right now, he had managed to claim the victory over the one who dared to challenge him, and to Gourmand, in that moment, absolutely nothing, NOTHING. Else mattered.

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ceo-of-sloppy-men · 2 years

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I’ve done a few romances in da:I and honestly Dorian is shaping to be my favourite:

I’m not constantly getting misgendered intentionally to romance a character I love

His vibes are immaculate

I love how you can be like “let’s do a thing” instead of “let’s kiss” being your only option. Just him and inky running around skyhold judging fashion sense and playing chess and reading

He’s a nerd, but not in the stereotypical way

Honestly one of the most complex characters and it’s always nice to see the raw emotional vulnerability that is very relatable

I think his moustache does a very good job at being a calling card to “no matter how we may look we aren’t evil” as that type is usually used by cartoon villains to express evilness

I love his little goatee

The fact that his relationship progresses without needing to do Wicked Eyes, Wicked Hearts and Here lies the abyss. You can just kinda be like “hey, I think you’re very neat and would enjoy spending more… time together intimately - but not just sex, are you okay with being foolish with me and maybe trying the whole falling in love thing?”

#it’s 4am cut me some slack if this is incoherent #dorian pavus #mmmmmm dorian #dorian pavus my beloved #dorian x inquisitor #dragon age inquisition spoilers #dragon age inquisition

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masternest · 1 year

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Game Self Insert: Kieran

I was introduced to this kind of writing prompt from a friend so I wanted to properly take it on. Essentially, it's a series of questions that are posed to learn more about your self insert that you'd have for a particular game. I wanted to do this for an OC that I have called Kieran for the game Witcher 3. He was made to be in and around that universe but going through what I'd written for him in the past, I realized that I wanted to make some changes to him along with all my other OC's as I went through trying to rescue them lol so below is what I've written with that in mind just for me to use as future reference once I solidify the changes that I'll make with him. So enjoy ^^

1. What are the basics of your self insert? name, date of birth, height, etc.?

I only want to cover at this point all the important basics to give a general idea of how he looks to help you visualize. His full name is Kieran Fleming and he's about 5'10 in height with a slightly muscular build though you wouldn't be able to tell right away from the clothes he typically wears which is mainly robes for the most part yet it's quite functional as he's mostly running away from authorities. In a nutshell, he's a sorcerer who uses his talents for thievery. He has what I'd describe as black medium length hair while sporting a goatee and mustache.

2. When in canon does your self insert come in? Do you have a scene in mind for your entrance?

I've always imagined him to be someone that you can find in Oxenfurt at one of the inns there. He'd probably be sitting there alone on one of the tables and if you talk to him, there would be a quest that you can activate. His quest would involve something along the lines of burning down the Redanian ship that the leader of the Conclave of Mages would have as he is against everything that Redania is doing.

3. How do the other characters generally feel about your self insert?

It would probably be quite mixed depending on which character you're talking about. If it's Yen or Triss, they'd probably be okay with him but maybe not okay with his methods. Actually now that I think about it, if they knew more about him, they probably wouldn't like him for different reasons even though he wouldn't want them to hate him. He'd most likely have a lot of beef with Dijkstra but as per the character he'd probably get along well the most would Dandelion and Zoltan aside from Geralt. He would be frightened by Regis due to him reading up about vampires during his studies at Ban Ard Academy. It would be a case of too much information that causes him to develop his fear of vampires. This in turn would amuse Regis to no end I'd imagine and would probably cause some hilarious situations with those two.

4. Would you be considered a main character, side character, villain, or something else?

Definitely a side character. This is Geralt's game and it's not his style anyway to steal the spotlight.

5. Does your self insert have any special powers or abilities?

Yes he does. He studied magic at the school of Ban Ard being magically inclined. However, his training was cut short as he left the school to go searching for his parents. So in terms of his power level, he wouldn't be even close to being as strong as Yen or Triss but he'd know basic magic spells. He did have an inclination to more stealthy spells that would help him get out of a bind as needed.

6. Does your self insert have any pets?

Nope. It wouldn't be a good idea for him anyway as he's always moving and on the run from the law.

7. Would any other characters (besides your f/o) have a crush on your self insert?

As far as main characters and side characters in the game, I don't think so. He is a ladies man though so he'd be the one trying to flirt and woo the women that he meets.

8. What is your self insert's orientation?

Heterosexual

9. Who are your self insert's closest friends?

That depends I guess. I'd think that him being in the story would be something that is really determinant on having Geralt meet him. If the player doesn't trigger the quest, then Kieran will never know Geralt or any of the other characters. With that said, he wouldn't have any. He's a very solitary person as he doesn't trust easily and wouldn't want anyone dealing with his problems anyway. However, if the player does meet Geralt, then he would probably be the closest friend that he would have.

10. How do the other characters feel about your self insert and f/o's relationship?

I'm not sure what f/o stands for honestly so I'm going to assume that's Geralt. At the start, any new character that interacts with Kieran would definitely be hesitant for Geralt trusting him but over time, I'd imagine that he would be accepted as part of the group.

11. What kind of outfit(s) does your self insert wear?

Typically, he enjoys wearing his signature purple robes that allow for free form movement. But other than that, he tries to stay fashionable when the occasion calls for it. Being a mage, he can easily change his clothes and he readily changes to outfits of even soldiers if it best suits him to get past unnoticed.

12. How would the fandom view your character?

I'm not sure. As his origin is definitely unique compared to other mages or witches in the game. Another thing to note is that he's not sterile compared to most magic users which is rare in itself. Although whether any child that he would sire would be normal remains to be seen. How he got his magic was from his parents who were magically inclined and trained. They didn't expect a pregnancy so he's kind of a miracle child in that sense. Oh and he's technically a twin so there's that as well. How others in the fandom would take that, I'm not so sure but I'd imagine that it would probably be quite mixed.

13. Does your self insert have any information about their family?

Yes as he was raised by them during his childhood. However, as for his story, he would be on an almost never ending quest looking for them as they disappear by mysterious circumstances.

14. What hobbies does your self insert have?

He loves to read. He is always trying to inquire on ways to increase his magical fortitude by practicing so that would also be a hobby of his I guess. Aside from stealing though he tries to steal from the evil rich as much as he can.

15. How does your self insert play a role in the plot of the story? Do they help directly defeat the villain, support the heroes, etc.?

He's definitely not a main character. If anything, you could probably go through the whole game without ever encountering him. But if you do trigger his quest and finish his questline, I'd imagine that he'd play a semi-important role. He'd definitely be there with Geralt at the defense of Kaer Morhen. And maybe play a more important role in helping Geralt towards the end because of it.

16. Freebie! Name a fact about your self insert you want everyone to know.

When he was ten, before he got sent to Ban Ard, he was just a regular kid who lived on the road with his family. His twin sister had passed away and this caused him to accidentally cast Necromancy in an attempt to help her. However, because he had no knowledge whatsoever of magic, his hands blackened and scarred permanently. Because of this, he almost always can be seen wearing gloves to hide this from others.

#roleplay #rp #witcher rp #oc rp #oc #writing prompt #oc roleplay #oc challenge

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lookforthefuture49 · 3 years

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Yo!

I got a fanfiction, finally. I don't expect it to be read much here, but here are the links to fanfiction.net and Ao3 pages for it respectively:

Ao3

Fanfiction.net

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13947355/1/Universal-Wars-aren-t-fun

Ok now I can paste it.

Enjoy <3

[Note: this story is only to be on Archive of Our Own/Fanfiction.net under the username DoubleKKookie and on Tumblr under the username Retrooutlaw. IF YOU SEE IT ANYWHERE ELSE, PLEASE SHOOT ME A PM! This is also kinda meant for funsies, obviously.]

Note note: half created by AI Dungeon. Yay for Ai Generated fanfiction lol

[Universal wars aren't fun//1//Battlegrounds]

Izuku's hair ruffled in the wind, the view of a crumbling city crossing his vision. It was odd, how one minute the world was peaceful, and the next an inter-dimensional war decided to happen. During this war of many universes, most of his world was ravaged. Izuku figured he would probably be safe, at least for now. His world might be a battleground, but he wasn't in the midst of the fight. He wouldn't hurt people from other worlds just because some of their worst villains wanted to attack other places. In fact, Izuku just wanted an excuse to help these new people, to stop their worlds from being ruined too. His plan was to travel between the worlds.

Except, all he got was a dazed sense of incompleteness as the world around him seemed to flicker. For a moment, it seemed as if he were home again visiting his mother over a break, excited to see what his friends did. He could feel a couple of tears form, but of happiness, of joy. However, just as quickly as this flicker came, it left, and he came to the realization he was just remembering the past, that he was still alone in the forest, and that seemed to worsen his sad state.

Izuku turned and took a few steps. He had to get moving, and he had to get moving now. He didn't quite know where he was going, but he knew it was far from his home. All he knew was that he had to keep moving, and find a new reason to fight. So, Izuku decided to just keep walking. He made his way through the forest, dodging branches and occasional bokoblins.

Bokoblins were odd, as he'd never seen them before the inter-universal war began. They hadn't even kinda existed in his world, but now he felt like he was fending the creatures off every other step. He never attacked them, but it seemed like he was constantly running from them, even if they were obviously weak.

This rural area he'd found himself in looked to be nearly untouched by the war. Still, there was this odd sense of unease, and Izuku felt like he was being watched. Like he was being watched every step of the way.

Fearful of this feeling of a watchful eye burning a hole into his back, he began to speed up, getting to the point of running. Running as far as he could, as fast as he could.

The more he ran, the faster he felt himself becoming. He couldn't tell what time of day it was, but he knew that it had to be night.

He ran for what felt like an eternity before stopping, legs buckling under him

He fell to the ground, trying not to cry out. He stood back up, deciding if he was going to be upset about a stupid war, he was gonna do it where it was safe, so he stumbled away from the wide open area he was in, and eventually found a flat-topped building, which he entered before reaching the roof and staring out at the more rural area he had found himself in. What modern building were there, such as this one, were overrun with vines and ivy.

He sat down on the roof and wrapped his arms around his knees, finally letting everything soak in. This situation was garbage. He'd been left behind by the civilians who escaped, he had no idea where his friends were, and he had no way of contacting any heroes or any of his peers to come to his aid.

Izuku didn't want to think about the possibility that they were all dead, but looking at the modern buildings being overtaken like this one, he couldn't help but think such a thing. If the entire town was this destroyed, how on earth could THEY be ok?

He didn't understand how something so bad could happen. How the world could ever go back to normal after what was happening right now, Izuku didn't know. But, all he could do now was try to help, and help he would. The moment he saw a portal open, it was his door to purpose, to other people, whoever they were.

He didn't care what world he stepped into. He didn't care if he died, he just wanted to make a difference. It was no longer about this world, about him, or any of the pro-heroes he once loved. Now, if it meant death, he'd stop this war. He decided right then and there he'd do it for his friends, for his family, for All Might, and for whoever he met on the other side of the portal he was adamant on finding.

He wouldn't fail. Lifting his arms from his legs, he rested his face against his knees and took a deep breath. He lifted his head up, staring to the sky.

"I promise, I'll save everyone. No matter what."

...

Izuku sat on that roof for several more minutes before deciding to resume his search. He stood up, left the roof, and began to walk again- until he heard something. Multiple people, a fair distance away behind him. Judging from what he was hearing of the conversation, they hadn't noticed him yet, and were rather focused on someone who sounded distressed and wanted to get away from them. He hid behind the building as the group of people came into sight, listening into their conversation closely.

"LET ME GO!" He heard peirce the air, and when he could see the group, he noted the man who yelled it was being dragged by the arms by two other people, and this man also looked.. unexplainably odd. His appearance didn't matter now, though. What was important was the predicament he was in.

"Would you just put me down already!?" He snapped again.

His supposed captors looked even angrier than they had initially.

"Our leader says that's not allowed, bucko." One of the two people holding him said. His voice was gruff and southern.

He had a goatee and his hair was slicked back. The other one was female, model-esque.

She had long, curly blonde hair, calm blue eyes and slick red lipstick, which was weird for someone to be wearing in this kind of situation.

"Our orders are very clear. Boss wants you."

"I DON'T KNOW WHO YOUR STUPID BOSS IS BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU-"

The southern-sounding captor pulled a lighter from his pocket, and with it lit, rammed it into the torso of the man. He let out a blood-curdling scream and then didn't say another word afterwards. he, nor his clothes, had caught on fire, oddly enough. The southern guy snarled at the man. Izuku wasn't entirely sure who was good or bad in this situation, but he was irked by the entire scene. The only hard part was deciphering if the one who was captured by these two was good or bad, as saving a villain in the midst of a crazy war would be pretty counter-productive. From the way this man's captors were talking, however, he figured he was either a hero like him, or just in the moral gray trying to stay out of things.

Taking a risk, he stepped out from the shadows...

"Stop!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. They turned to look at him, and their eyes went wide.

He pointed at the man. "You two! Release him right now!"

"What do you think you're doing?" The southern one hissed angrily. "This is none of your business, kid! Go back to where you came from!"

His eyes flicked to the man, who seemed to be either knocked out or unresponsive, as he hadn't even twitched when Izuku shouted in his general direction.

"I don't care! He's being mistreated! I won't stand for it!"

The model (At least, Izuku assumed she was a model) whisper-hissed something at her comrade, who just scowled and shook his head. The two started arguing in hushed voices, as the man they dragged here was now beginning to stir.

When he did open his eyes, fear was clear in them immediately, probably thinking the glare Izuku was directing at his enemies was for him. He calmed after a moment, however. The pair seemed bugged but opted to leave without the man now that they'd been found by someone else. (Maybe that's what they were arguing about) They dropped the man harshly, although he didn't seem to be bothered by this at all. He seemed more bothered by the burn mark just below his chest, which, while small, seemed to be quite painful. It was hard for Izuku to gauge what the man was feeling, though, since he looked dead. Not just figuratively, but quite literally rotten and dead. It was strange, but Izuku decided not to question it, for that wouldn't help either of their situations. He instead walked up to the man, hoping to maybe initiate a conversation.

"Hey, um..." Izuku wasn't really sure what to say to him. He didn't know his name, for one.

The other was that he looked like he'd been through hell and back. He had a multitude of scars, both old and new, on his face and body. They were either dark purple, black, or was a hole, which revealed an empty vessel underneath. In fact, his entire complexion was purple, which struck Izuku as off. Any normal person, quirk or not, definitely was not supposed to be dead and purple.

"Are you alright?" Izuku decided to start with. Simple enough.

"Yeah, I'm perfectly fine." (That comment definitely didn't pan out, but Izuku didn't know his life. Maybe this was normal.) Izuku noted a prominent British accent, one he hadn't noticed while the man was shouting angrily, which was odd, because he probably should have. Taking a closer look at him, the strange man was thin, mangy, and also lacked hair. His pupils were glowing, which also really was strange, and the whites of his eyes were now, instead, pitch black. It was somewhat unsettling, but Izuku tried not to think much of it.

"What was all that about?"

"Frankly, I dunno. One minute everything was normal and I was sitting at home, and the next those two were dragging me along to their 'boss'." He replied.

"I tried to get away, but it wasn't exactly easy. I kinda miss having muscles." He said this in a very nonchalant way, shrugging. Evidently, this man was missing vital body parts, who knows how many, and he was acting like it was completely fine.

"I... see," Izuku said, though he wasn't sure what else to say.

"So, what about you, kid? What's your name?"

"Izuku. Call me Deku, please." He stuck out a hand.

"Michael." The other shook his hand, and Izuku noted that he felt no bones in his hand, like it wasn't solid. It was strange, completely empty. "Uhm, do you know what's been going on lately?"

Michael did not reply immediately. "I dunno, something about some war? It didn't seem to pertain to me until I was dragged into a different world entirely, but feel free to explain."

"All I'm really sure of right now is that there is an Inter-Universal War going on right now, and I want it to end. Mostly because it's left my home a wreck, and I don't want that to happen to anybody else's."

Michael nodded in understanding.

"I can appreciate your feelings on the matter."

...

"How long have you been here?"

"Probably only a little over 2 hours."

Izuku had given Michael the choice to stick with him or go off on his own, and, not knowing what else to do, he agreed. Now they walked aimlessly as Izuku tried to explain a bit about what his world used to be like, and just make small talk. Izuku had decided the moment Michael agreed to tag along that he would not question his purple complexion or the lack of internal structure. It seemed like it might be rude, or bring back bad memories if he said the wrong thing, and he didn't want to cause that.

"I see."

They continued in silence for about an hour, before Michael spoke up again.

"I think I prefer this place over my home, truth be told."

Izuku was a little surprised that he would say something so out of nowhere. "Why?" He asked.

"I could go on for days about the terrible things that happened there." Michael sighed. "I don't particularly like dwelling on the past, so I tried to block it out. But here, it's all right. Even the atmosphere feels less oppressive, even if it's obviously still chaotic here."

Izuku frowned. "That's a pretty deep feeling to come up with so suddenly.

"I've had plenty of time to think, and this is the only conclusion I've come to."

...

The night took a long time to come, and Izuku still could find no portals, nor salvation in another world. He would have to wait another day. The pair sat down, and Izuku found himself falling asleep quite quickly...

It seemed like only seconds had passed when he felt something pulling him back to reality. He opened his eyes, and saw that the sky was beginning to turn pink.

"Get up." Michael whispered.

Izuku squinted, kind of annoyed. "Why?" He whispered back.

"I hear a large group of people coming, and I don't want to risk anything."

"Alright." Izuku nodded.

He stood up, as quietly as he could, and stretched, yawning. He was about to head off when he heard the sounds of many feet marching nearby. They were getting closer every second. He halted said stretching, and opted to climb up a tree. Michael made an attempt to hide, slipping behind a tree, but he was pretty easy to spot if one simply looked a little.

Izuku looked down at the group of men, as they marched by. His only question was why they were marching along together like this, and here of all things. They almost looked like soldiers, marching along with random weapons in hand. They were of varying species, although Izuku did not pay mind to this. When they passed and were far enough, Izuku leaped down and gestured for Michael to follow him as they tailed the group to see where they were going.

"What is this?" He hissed. They were headed towards a large open area. The group marched on, keeping pace, until they were they were the size of ants in distance. Izuku looked out to the open, treeless plains ahead. It took a minute to click in his mind, and he realized as Michael caught up what the plains were.

They were in the midst of a battlefield.

That's a wrap :D

#fanfiction #fnaf #five nights at freddy’s #my hero acadamy #my hero academia #boku no hero academia

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oreosmama · 4 years

Text

Kidnappers and Keepers (Todoroki x Reader/Soulmate AU)

*GIF not mine*

Summary: You get kidnapped by a douchebag named “Clarence.” Nothing tops that. Well, except for your dreamboat of a soulmate. Now, he’s a keeper right there.

A/N: It’s five a.m. What is sleep. Please love this because this puppy took me ages of procrastination, but I really liked my one idea at the end of the story. I kinda wrote this backwards and on two separate days, so that could explain why it seems a little different in some parts. Please enjoy!

Word count: 3309

Does anyone remember when Nutella was all the rage? Man, those were the good old days. It was a peaceful time. Every story on Wattpad was about a romantic kidnapping, usually involving a werewolf or two. One Direction spoke to every thirteen-year-old on a spiritual level, and all earbuds were connected to cords attached to phones.

It was also around the time the villain in front of you began his story. Oh wait, no, that was only twenty minutes ago. Damn, it’s crazy how time can fly some days but then crawl by slower than a slug the next. Anyways, what was this guy talking about? Oh yeah, he was monologuing his evil plan while you were stuck on the grimy floor of a dark warehouse. He had snatched you off the street as a hostage and handcuffed you behind your back to a leaking pipe, forcing you to sit and listen to him blab. What a drag.

“And then we will rule the world!” The villain --what was his name again?-- looked at you expectantly.

“Huh?” He groaned in exasperation.

“Did you even hear a single word I said?!”

“No. Did you know your fly was open?” The villain, a dirt-covered twenty-something-year-old in shady, black apparel, glared at you from under the flickering light in the large room. You, on the other hand, stared at the ceiling distractedly while flicking your teeth with your tongue. Note to self: next time you get kidnapped, don’t eat popcorn that day. Stupid kernels.

“Can’t you take anything seriously?” He jabbed, although his hands discreetly checked his pants, only to burn red when he remembered there was no zipper. You snicker under your breath. Got ‘em. “Ugh, you know what?!” He suddenly exploded, approaching you with a roll of duct tape. “I’m tired of you.” The piece he ripped off was too small to stick well to your face, but you didn’t have the energy to tell him. You poked out your tongue between your lips before his sweaty hands patted down the adhesive, sliding it up and over your top lip to remove the sticky binding from your face. He stepped away and turned his back to you, whipping out his phone.

“Now that that’s done, where the hell are they?” the guy muttered, tapping away. You shifted uncomfortably on the cement floor, your butt growing numb. At this point, the piece of tape now dangled awkwardly from your chin. I’ve always wondered what a goatee was like.

“Where’s who?” you wondered. The villain whipped around to stare at you in shock.

“How the- how did you- why are you-... what?” You raised a brow at his stammers.

“Shoot for a bigger piece next time, fella. Or try something stronger.” You yawn before cracking your neck. “Have you considered super glue?” The door to your right suddenly crashed open. Well just barge right in, why don’t you.

“Clarence, did you get the girl?” Oh, now that’s just mean. Who names their child “Clarence”? You would turn to crime too if you had that name.

“Yes, sir.” The new guys who just joined the party were villains you had never seen before. One wasn’t even human, per se, just a dark blob surrounded by a silhouette of purple. The other was covered completely in a black cloak so you couldn’t view anything of their figure or face. Not even when they approached you with an outstretched hand.

“Do not be afraid, this won’t hurt a bit.” Pshh, like you were going to trust that load. Your body trembled and your feet scrambled against the floor pushing yourself back and away. Sadly, you were stopped by the pipe behind you. So this is how I die. I’ll never get to meet my soulmate. Or unlodge that stupid-ass kernel in my back tooth. “I’m not going to kill you.” Lyin’ ass. “We just need you as bait.” He had the deep voice of evil.

“No thanks,” you hiss.

“I wasn’t asking.” Could you, though? It’d be more polite. You didn’t have time to flinch away before his hand grasped your face. Like full-on palmed that bitch like a dad inspecting a melon at Walmart. What.

“Umm, whatcha doin’ there, budd-” before you could finish, a bright pain flashed behind your eyes. You whimpered as white noise rang in your ears, and your body began to convulse violently. Mind-control. That’s what it was. And from what you could tell, this guy had better control over your thoughts than you ever did. It felt like someone had dug their fingernails into your brain, and you abruptly spoke without your own volition.

“She’s under my control.” The voice scraped at your throat, but it still sounded like you. Your body stopped its spasms and froze. You were now in the passenger seat of your own body, hijacked like a computer. People and their quirks these days. Whatever happened to the classic super strength? The man released your face and stood up, stepping back to join his wispy companion while he gestured towards you. Following the action, Clarence --seriously, this poor guy-- uncuffed you from the pipe and you forcefully stood on two numb, shaky legs.

“We’ll use her to distract the heroes before we attack.” The cloaked man spoke, features still shadowed by his hood.

“How do they know to come here?” your pitiful kidnapper asked. He seemed new to this kind of job; his voice had been shaky and unsure while he nervously wrung his hands.

“We sent the video of you snatching her to their agency.” Poor guy became the scapegoat. But wait, the agency? Oh crap.

Here’s a little history lesson: before you were attacked today, you would occasionally help out at Endeavor’s Hero Agency. One day, about six or seven months ago, you had found a worker of theirs severely injured from a villain. After healing them with your quirk, you had been offered a job at the office. However, you had to deny it because, well, you were only in high school. On the other hand, ever since that day the worker stayed in touch with you, every once in a while calling you for help if anyone was ever injured on a mission. Healing them made you feel like a hero, so you didn’t stop. But now today, you were seriously regretting getting involved with them. This sucked bad.

“They’ll come,” the dark cloud man assured, “they value the girl.” Aww, if you were in control of your body so you could blush and smack his arm bashfully. However, right now you were pissed, and the only smacking you wanted to do was that cloak guy’s head against that moldy pipe over there. This sucks major- A noise interrupts your mental rant. It was a clang outside, like someone had kicked a trash can. Nonetheless, the villains in the room all rushed to the shadiest part of the warehouse, taking cover behind large boxes.

###

Shouto’s words had always been… less than reassuring.

Sorry about earlier, I was being mind-controlled by that cloaky fella over there. My name’s YN.

They were even more unsettling when an agent of his father’s called him and asked if he had ever seen a “YN.”

“No…”

“Oh, well if you do, please let us know. She was kidnapped a couple hours ago, and we could really use your help right now.” Now that he thought about it, Shouto did distantly remember the name floating around the agency once or twice when he had temped there.

“Okay, I will.” He hung up the phone and continued down the street, hands coldly shoved in his pockets while he made his way home. The task was easy until he heard yells coming from within the abandoned warehouse next to him. What the hell?

“Todoroki!” A familiar voice shouted from behind him. The bicolored man slowly turned to see two of his classmates approaching, one waving erratically at him.

“What are you doing out here?” Midoriya asked.

“I just felt like walking around. What about you?” More shouts came from inside the building next to them just as the green-haired boy was about to respond.

“What was that?” Iida stares curiously into the alleyway, eyes catching on a shady-looking door that led into the warehouse. “We must check it out,” the class rep declares before approaching the entrance. The other two follow him with furrowed brows, both concerned and unsure at the same time. A loud noise rattles from within the alleyway.

“Sorry.” Midoriya shyly steps away from a metal trash can and inches it away with his foot. The can’s cover falls off with the movement and crashes onto the ground. Midoriya’s face is not unlike a traffic signal at this point, glowing bright red.

Iida shakes his head before pushing open the doorway, entering the dim, moldy stash house.

###

What was that one sentence that has like all the letters in the English alphabet in it? It was about a fox and a dog… whatever. You were bored. And technically mindless. Sort of. You couldn’t do or say anything when three boys your age entered the nasty ass room you were in, and your heart couldn’t even skip a beat when your eyes landed on that one dreamboat. Do you think he purposely dyes his hair like that? I dig it.

“...you YN?” Oh crap, you missed like half of that, sorry dreamboat.

“Yeah, but you guys are too late. The villains left that way, through the window over there.” The two-toned hair man glanced down at his wrist with confused eyes in your peripheral vision, but the villain controlling your body made no note. Then he gestured to his friends to follow him to the boxes. Dumbass dreamboat.

It was like watching a horror movie. The audience already knew where the murderers were, but the attractive protagonists- they’re always attractive. No ugly person ever gets hunted down, and that’s a fact- just can’t hear your annoyed screaming at the TV.

They’re hiding behind the- dammit. The whole room just got ten times more rowdy, and suddenly you were in control of your own body again. Must be how Cloak Man’s quirk works. Can’t fight and mind-control at the same time. At least God is fair.

Grunts, exclamations and whooshes all sound behind you while you huddle in a corner, shaking and hugging yourself until the fighting ends.

“Here, call my father and tell him to come!” It’s the pretty boy, and your eyes widen at his words before a phone slides on the ground over to you. He returns to the battle in hand-to-hand combat with Clarence, who doesn’t put up much of a fight after your soulmate-- holy shit-- turns one arm into a popsicle and the other into a flaming torch. Hot damn. Hehe, I’m funny- not the time YN! You shake yourself out of it and scramble to the phone, glancing back up to watch the fight while pressing the call button on the open contact. A wave of heat fills the room as your soulmate uses his quirk to roast that one cloaked bastard, and you curl even further into the dusty half of the warehouse you’re hiding in.

“Pick up, pick up, pick up- hello?” The person you called is breathing heavily over the line.

“This isn’t Shouto, who is this?” It sounds vaguely familiar, but you don’t take the time to mull over the fact.

“This is YN YLN and I’m in a warehouse off the main street in town. We could really use some cops or something over here!”

“YN? Shouto found you?” Aww, your soulmate told his father about you, how cute!

“Yes, please hurry!” A sudden flame flashes directly in front of you, almost singeing your eyebrows away. The phone flies out of your hand- no idea how that happened- while you scream in terror, and your soulmate shouts back a “Sorry!”

“Sorry my ass,” you grumble before army-crawling back over to his yeeted technology. The screen is cracked and dark. Now it was your turn for a half-assed apology, but “Shouto” seemed rather occupied at the moment. Speaking of him, you look back down at your soulmark and run your trembling fingers over the words. When you first got them, you thought you were destined to be with a dada’s boy. You predicted you would meet him in the park and he would throw a phone at you, too nervous to be alone without his father while he squealed out those words.

So, even though your current situation was less than desirable, you were kinda thankful. At least he needed you to call his dad for a badass reason, and not an excited, “gotta show my dad this” reason.

The door next to you slammed open and you screamed in fright once more, only to pause at the sight. Endeavor? Ohhh. The hot quirk your soulmate had suddenly made a million times more sense. The pro-hero wasn’t alone, and he stormed in with numerous other agents to take out your kidnappers.

The dark blob man disappeared into thin air when they entered the room, leaving his two villain friends to get restrained and captured by the new heroes. My guy fucking dipped. Candy-ass.

Hesitantly, you stood and approached your soulmate. He was watching Clarence and Cloak Man get tied up when you tapped his shoulder, gaining his attention instantly. You began to rub your own fingers together when he made eye-contact with you, and fended off the urge to touch the mark on his face. Just as you open your mouth to speak, your mind goes blank. Wow, so not helpful. Your soulmate raises his eyebrows at you, waiting patiently while you awkwardly bite your lip and clear your throat. After that, the words crawl their way right out of you.

“Sorry about earlier, I was being mind-controlled by that cloaky fella over there. My name’s YN.”

Shouto is silent for a second while one hand swiftly covers the wrist of the other. Maybe it had burned for you earlier, but you had been too distracted to- Oh hello there. Yep, that’s a’ tingling all right. You copy his action and hiss at the feeling. It wasn’t unpleasant, but a sudden hotness on your wrist tends to freak you out once in a while.

“My name is Shouto Todoroki. It’s nice to meet you.” Oh god, he was adorable. Like an adorable, little well-behaved puppy. You were totally going to ruin that pleasantness for him one day. He’s just gonna walk in on you cussing out your own foot and it’ll go shjoop right out of him.

“You too,” you mumble distractedly. “Or me too! Or… umm, yes, it’s nice to meet you too.” Ok, YN, what the hell was that? “Anyways…” This is a deesaster. “I have a quirk.” Yep, it’s over.

“Okay....” He looks thoroughly confused. He might want to get used to that feeling around you. “Me too, I guess?” You want to smack yourself upside the head.

“I’m sorry. I said that weird. Actually, I didn’t even say it.” He looks so lost. “I have a healing quirk, and you just got into a fight.” There we go, now you got him. He nods his head understandingly.

“Oh okay, so you’re offering to heal me.” Great job, Watson.

“Yeah.” Your cheeks are so red at this point that they hurt. He holds out his scraped hands towards you and gives you a gentle smile.

“Work your magic.”

###

“We could use someone like you at UA.”

After you had healed his wounds the first day you met, Shouto encouraged you to talk to the admissions office there. He had even asked his dad to recommend they give you a spot, and it worked. You didn’t know how, but you just counted your blessings and moved on.

Now, you sat as a student assistant to Recovery Girl, with your very own dorm and everything. You attended the normal classes UA offered and worked during lunch and after school with the nurse to heal the injured and sick. It was usually the injured, and it was usually Shouto’s friend Midoriya. At a certain point, you didn’t care to ask what he had done, you just healed him and sent him on his way.

“There you go, greeny.” You patted his freshly healed arm. “Now if you would stop hurting yourself, I really wouldn’t mind.” Your eyes strayed from his worn-out form to the new one, leaning in the doorway with crossed arms. Dreamboat.

“I know, YN, I want that too. Thanks again, though!” The hero-in-training cheered right up at the prospect of getting to leave and bid you adieu, greeting Todoroki before disappearing into the hall.

“Hi.” Your soulmate stepped into the room with a soft smile, laying a kiss on your cheek before sitting in the patient’s bed across from your spinny chair.

“Well, hello to you too.” You beam at him with curious eyes. “You seem more chipper than usual, what’s up?”

“I just... really wanted to see you,” he admits apprehensively, staring at the posters on Recovery Girl’s walls to avoid looking at you. Your chest preens with happiness and you stand up to join him on the bed.

“I wanted to see you too.” You slump down next to him and lay your head on his shoulder, intertwining your fingers with his own on your lap. The room stays silent while you both bask in the warmth of each other’s presence, but Todoroki surprisingly decides to break the silence.

“So,” he pulls his head off yours and turns to face you, “have you come up with a hero name yet?” Your body begins to wiggle excitedly and you whirl around to face him, now sitting crossed-legged on the bed and bouncing your knees up and down anxiously.

“Yes I did!” His eyes sparkle at your excitement and he laughs softly.

“Well?”

“Say hello to… wait for it,” he rolls his eyes at your actions while you drumroll against your own thighs, “Health Girl!”

Todoroki grows apprehensive and his smile falls slightly. Your own face grows smug and you poke him in the side playfully. “I’m just kidding, I’m not that lame.”

“You sure?” Your eyes widen. He has a sarcasm button now?

“Woah, mister, you’re learning too much from me. You might wanna stop that before you start yelling at your phone for dropping itself.” (Yeah, that’s happened before. But to be fair, your phone was a dumbass bitch.)

Your heart glows with pride when he releases a small, rare chuckle. The Shuckle. Damn, you must be really special to get that treatment. Well you better be, with all that ‘soulmates for life’ crap dangling over your head.

“No really, I actually did come up with a good name.”

“All right, tell me.”

Here’s the thing, your quirk wasn’t exactly healing people, it was more of speeding up their own body’s cellular processes when you got close enough. So you had the perfect name. At least, you hoped you did. Oh crap, what if it was terrible?

“What about... ‘Enzyma’?” you suggest nervously, staring down into your lap and rubbing your fingers against each other. Arms wrap themselves around your hips and tug you closer to their owner as a pair of lips press against your forehead. Todoroki stares lovingly into your eyes after your own arms reach up to wrap around his neck, melting into his embrace.

“It’s perfect.”

So was he.

444 notes · View notes

shibarirobot · 3 years

Text

Aizawa fic - CH3 - Entrapment

18+ Only! SFW (for now)

Shouta Aizawa x Villain!OC/Reader (?)

CH1

CH2

!!TW!! mentions of abuse, trauma, blood

Above are the links to the first two chapters, but for those that just want to get to it, I will briefly summarize. The main character here(who I choose to keep very nondescript so anyone can enjoy this, that may change as things get more physical between them and our hero. I will continue using they/them pronouns for this, but I have lady parts and will probably end up using those words.) is a villain that has just stolen information, fought Aizawa and made an escape to a roof where they fought with a member of their crew and Maybe(?) probably killed them.

Thank you for reading!

Enjoy! x

Sirens blare behind me as cops start to arrive at the scene. I pull the hood on my jacket up over my head and dip around the corner. I hadn’t tried to stick around long enough for them to show up, but left without a quick way off the roof after tossing that damn bat off the side, I had to take the stairs. It was a long way down, but the stairwell was entirely connected all the way to the ground floor, I would have been seriously pissed off if I had to find multiple sets of stairs. My face is mostly obscured by my hood, but I look down everytime a random citizen passes by. I can never be too careful about being seen.

I reach into my pocket and feel for my marble, my anxiety is rising quickly as a group of four teen girls walks towards me on the sidewalk. I almost freak out when my pocket turns up empty, but then I remember that I threw it, that it’s the only reason I’m still walking free. This brings me slight peace before I hear giggling and sneer to myself. High schoolers. I look at their uniforms, even better, hero students. I pull the drawstrings on my hood and it scrunches around my face, hiding me further. Anonymity isn’t the only reason I prefer not to be seen, but it’s the most self preserving reason, the one that makes the most sense. The other is because I’m afraid. Afraid of what they could say, of what they could think. I’ve heard it all, but it never fails to sting a little when the unfiltered truth of others thoughts wash over me.

Weirdo. What. A. Freak.

OMG what are they wearing?

Damn, why do I always have to walk on the outside? Don’t you all care at all if I get grabbed?

Please don’t rob us, please don’t rob us.

Look away. Just look away.

I pull the drawstrings tighter and walk slightly faster, trying to push their thoughts from my brain, but failing grandly as all I can focus on is how much I don’t fit in, how little the rest of the world cares for people that don’t fit in the cookie cutter mold of societal expectations. The girls are having a light hearted conversation amongst themselves as I pass by, a complete confliction to the sour, curdled thoughts that had just slipped out. My eyes are glued to my feet as I take one step after the other, my legs feel like lead as I fight the urge to scream at them and silence their brain functions. I’m so focused on getting myself away from those girls that I barely register the man walking in front of me, talking loudly on the phone. I thump into his back, my eyes still strained down at the tips of my boots. He looks down at me, surprised. I can feel his eyes on me, feel the shock as his words falter into the phone mic.

Woah. All black, huh?

Trying to avoid a conflict, I duck to the side and mutter a curt ‘sorry’ below my breath, already shuffling off. He reaches out to me though, reaching for my shoulder. “Hey, wait. Sorry to bump into y-”

I jerk away without looking. “Don’t touch me… please.” I cough the pleasantry out, it’s hard to hold myself back when all I want to do is swear at him and rip his eyes from his skull, knowing full well this is only a minor inconvenience, not a stopping block for me. I slightly turn my head, looking up at him out of one eye, he looks down at me, stunned.

Wait… Is this the one?

Who is this man? He looks slightly familiar, but I can’t quite place him. He’s got long blonde hair, pulled into a simple ponytail and a goatee that makes him look like he still thinks the year is 2008. My eyes fall back to my feet as I take quick paces away from him. I don’t know him, but it seems like he might know me, which is definitely a bad sign. My anxiety swells again as I feel the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. This really can’t be good. I can still feel him watching me as I retreat, but his focus shifts back to his phone as someone yells on the other end of the receiver. “Yah, yah! I’m right around the corner. Get off my back, Shouta… I said I’m right around the corner! … No! I’m not in ‘uniform’, it’s my day off!” I let my anxiety roll off my shoulders as I get farther away from him and can no longer hear his shouting. I’m not sure why he threw me off so much, but I’m happy to be crossing the street and leaving his line of vision, turning an extra corner, just to be safe. I can’t afford anyone following me right now.

I’m still a bit rattled as I step down the stairs to the underground train tunnels. The tunnels are old, abandoned years ago after a train derailed and collapsed several tunnels. There were so many casualties, they shut down the entire train system after that, but by then technology had become so advanced compared to the subway that they didn’t even bother rebuilding. The city just closed off the tunnel entrances to the public. Citizens and tourists still come down to the platforms to take pictures and read plaques about the deceased. It’s ridiculous really. They didn’t know any of the people that died, had no connection to them, they would have no clue about the lives lost here if it hadn’t been all over the news. What the news wouldn’t tell the unsuspecting audience of sheep, is that it was actually a hero that crashed the train. The media told the world that a minor earthquake had derailed the train, which was only partially true. A minor earthquake had caused the crash, but a hero had caused the earthquake. A hero was the direct cause of so many shortened lives, innocent and corrupt alike, all dead within seconds. The media just swept that under the rug, not a single news coverage even mentioned his name as they described the tragedy. He continued his hero work as if nothing had even happened, as if he hadn’t murdered the very people he vowed to protect, as if he wasn’t the sole reason those people died. My sister was among those lost. She wasn’t my only family, but the only one I liked, the only one that made life even bearable. A tear rolls down my cheek and I wipe it away in frustration, no time for emotions. No time for tears. No time to let myself wallow, because I know once I start on that path, I’ll never stop. I’ll cry until I can’t breathe, until my eyes are swollen shut, until my lungs give out. So I cut myself short. No tears.

The platform is empty when I reach the tracks, the silence echoing. This is the only place I’m free of everyone else’s trilling thoughts buzzing in my brain, the thick concrete walls jamming their signal from getting to me. I release a long awaited sigh, the anxiety finally subsiding and leaving a slight hunger in my stomach. I had been so worked up I forgot to get food. I pull the hood off my head and hop down onto the tracks, walking them like a balance beam, a habit I picked up in my free time. At this point, I don't even put my hands out at my sides. I’ve done this so much, I’m sure I could walk it with my eyes closed. I do close my eyes, basking in the complete silence that surrounds me. Silence that reminds me of the moments I was fighting Eraser Head, the moments where he took my quirk and my head was actually empty. Even now it’s not quite like that, there’s still a ringing in my ears and a hum in the back of my head like static over a radio channel. It’s never been completely quiet inside my head, it only ever fades to background noise, not like when I was with him, when he was staring at me so intensely. I know it’s because he couldn’t look away, because of his quirk, but part of it made me feel… wanted. No one has ever looked at me like that, with such incredible intensity in their eyes. I shake my head, feeling crazier than usual. There’s no way he could want me, no way that I’m not just pushing my own desires onto his actions, no way that I’m not just famished for someone to hold me in their arms like he had held me in his scarf.

Now I know I’m acting foolish. His scarf? Really? He was attacking me, he was fighting me, he’s a hero goddammit. I should be hating him and working up ways to bring his demise, but instead I’m thinking about what it would be like to see him without his hostility, to watch his face as he slept, to see tears trail down his face, to see him begging on his knees. I want to see his vulnerability, surprisingly, without any intention of exploiting it. I just want to see him. I have to see him. I look down and realize I’m pacing. I shake myself again and head for a service tunnel that I’ve commandeered to become my little hideout. It’s really not much, but it’s all mine and 100% off the grid. Maintenance personnel don't even come down here. I’m completely alone and I love it. No prying eyes, no unwanted thoughts, just me and the cold concrete. It’s heavenly.

I moved down here full time a few months after my sister died and it became clear that no one was fixing up the tunnels. My biological carrier, the woman I refuse to call my mother, had begun drinking immediately. Not that she was a stranger to alcohol before, but it had only gotten worse. Her drunk thoughts quickly became her sober thoughts and all of them had to do with me. Why my sister had died instead of me, why she was the one that had to be stuck with me, why she had to have been cursed with such a freakish child. One that cried all the time, one that split her head in two when they had a tantrum, one that couldn't even be put into daycare to protect the other children, one that put her husband in a vegetative state. I became nothing more than a burden to her, if there was any part of her that still loved me, loved me like a mother is supposed to, it was buried deeper in her mind than even I could find.

The mental abuse wasn’t what broke me though, the neglect hadn’t done it either. It was the night she made me beg. She had drunk so much that I felt drunk, felt drunk off the vertigo thoughts she was pulsing out into the room. She stumbled into my room, slurring speech and telling me how ungrateful I was to have someone like her that would take such good care of me. I should have known better, should have been quiet like usual, but I scoffed at that. The wench barely even knew how to take care of herself, the notion honestly tickled me. That did her in. She lunged at me and threw me to the floor, smacking me in the face once on both cheeks. She rolled off of me and left the room as drunkenly as she had come in. I just layed there and cried, hoping she was done, but knowing she wasn’t. I heard the door creak and felt her grab me by the hair, shoving me into a dining chair. The confusion must have been evident on my face, because she hit me again and made quick work of tying me to the wooden chair. She left me there, tied up, for days. She made me beg for food. Beg for water. Beg to be cleaned after I had pissed myself. She made me apologize for everything I had ever done. She made me admit I was a monster, one that hurt people for fun, because I wanted to, not because I couldn’t control my quirk. I can see now how that narrative would be easier for her to stomach, having a person to blame instead of accepting the shitty facts of reality, but I was her child. I had been pure. She was supposed to love me, protect me.

I stop walking, letting my renewed hatred for that woman settle on my shoulders like a warm, heavy blanket. Resolve hardening my heart and warping the soft emotions I had just been there. I heave a sigh and reach into my jacket pocket again, feeling the flashdrive from before. This is what I need. File upon file of precious documents and information right here in the palm of my hand, information that now exists nowhere else.

I start walking again, exhausted from today's events. There had been so many close calls. I’m still reeling from a couple of them, my head still not on fully straight. I make it to my little pad and flop down on the mattress I have tucked away in the corner. I unzip my boots and massage my feet a little, pulling them into my lap to sit lotus style. My laptop had been haphazardly tossed into my bed, so I reach over and plug it into the charging cable snaking from the wall, also pushing the little flashdrive into the side port and letting all the documents download. I curl into a ball on my mattress and flop to the side, I’m so tired and so hungry, I’m not sure what to do. I have no food here so I'm going to have to go back up to the surface level, but it’s still too light out, I’ll wait until the sun has fully set then go stop by a street vendor. In the meantime however, I treat myself to a nap. I hadn’t realized how heavy my eyes were until my head hit the soft material of my bed.

I’m not sure how much time has passed since I fell asleep, but I wake up to my computer beeping. The download is complete. I smile to myself and close the laptop, removing the flashdrive from the side, again not bothering to eject it. I push myself up into a sitting position and rub my hands over my entire face and into my hair, fully waking myself up some more. I look down at myself, still in my full clothes and sigh, I guess I had been far more tired than I thought. My mind drifts to the dream I was having before my eyes had peeled back open. I only really dream when I sleep hard, which isn’t often since I’ve basically ruined my REM cycles. In my dream, I was with Eraser Head again, but this time we weren’t fighting, not really. He still had me caught in that damn capture weapon, but I was completely naked, my body exposed at all the right points for him to reach out and grab me, hit me, bite me. The memory of how his scarf felt against my skin heats up my face, my body clenching tightly. How does he still do this to me? He’s not even near me.

I run a hand down my neck, trying to calm myself. I can’t get all riled up because of some hero. Can I? Another flash from my dream breaks through to the forefront of my mind. Eraser Head has me by the jaw, his mouth so close to mine I would be able to feel his breath on my lip if it had been real. That’s when he sensually licks my plush bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth and biting down softly, just enough to drive me crazy. Just enough for me to want more, to feel it in real life. I yell and pound my fist into the mattress. GET!! IT!! TOGETHER!! I launch myself onto my feet, tugging on my boots, determined to get his imagined ministrations out of my mind. I still need to eat anyway. The hunger tugging on my stomach and making it growl loudly, protesting the nap that had zapped away the rest of my evening. I look at my watch and groan, it's already past 9pm.

I head back down the service tunnel that leads to my little crash pad, there’s a small, unpopular ramen stand I like to go to when it’s late. It's not the best bowl of ramen in the world, but it gets the job done and I’m not too picky when it comes to noodles in warm broth. The stand is right outside one of the stairwells into the underground platforms. The lights from the neon sign flicker dimly, it reads ‘OPEN to Business’. I slink down onto one of the stools and drop my money onto the counter, ordering a beef bowl. The man on the other side of the counter pours the broth and cuts vegetables before serving me the bowl with a small bow of his head. I return his formality before delving into the bowl. The soup smells better than usual, or maybe I’m just insanely hungry, either way the first bite leaves me melting into the bowl, hunched over, consuming the food at such a rate it would appear as if I hadn’t eaten in days. I hit the bottom of the white bowl in record time and slam down a few coins demanding more. The chef raises his eyebrow, but complies, almost over filling another bowl for me.

Hungry, ha? Good! Eat more!

I smile at him, actually warmed by his slight kindness, but it is soon forgotten as I begin slurping down noodles, beef, and cooked vegetables. I finish the second bowl almost as quickly as the first and slouch back, patting my very full belly. I was definitely hungrier than I realized. I sigh, content and sluggish as I slide off the side of the stool. I can’t help the light feeling in my chest as I shove my hands into my pockets. The moon is high in the sky and the night air is cool on my cheeks, it’s almost serene. I decide to take a little stroll, there’s another entrance to the platform a few blocks down, connecting to the other side of the service tunnel. I start my walk with casual steps, I’m not in a rush and I just want to breathe in the fresh air a little bit longer. There’s an empty orange soda can on the ground and I kick it with the inside of my foot, sending it skittering forward a few paces, stopping in a perfect place for me to kick it again. I continue kicking the can along with me as I walk, until I kick it a little too hard and it goes tumbling down into a storm drain. I shrug and round a corner, the can just a distraction anyways, something to fiddle with. I reach into my pocket and forget again that my marble isn't there. A prickle of nerves climbs up my arm and to the back of my neck, making my hair follicles stand on end.

Suddenly alert, I tense my shoulders and scan the area, looking above me as well this time, I won’t be taken out from the rooftops again, but still I see nothing. The air around me has shifted. It’s no longer peaceful and delicate, it’s eerie and cold, sending a shiver through me again, the anxiety making me even more jumpy as I hear little sounds around me. Nothing out of the ordinary, city sounds, but it all gets to me, sending my heart rate in an upward spike. I start to run, unsure of where to go. I can feel someone, but where? It’s driving me crazy. I know there’s someone. I know it, but the absolute lack of a presence is what’s really fucking me up. An ubiquitous white flash darts out at me from the dark. I dodge quickly, leaning back so far my head barely misses slamming into the concrete below me. There’s another flash and I throw my legs out from underneath me, catching myself in a near handstand before flinging myself backwards again, still unsure of where the flashes are coming from.

Before I can land back on my feet, I see it, a dark figure blur by me from the corner of my eye. I don’t know what or who it is, but my first instinct is to whip around and try to use my quirk, still only barely sure of the figure’s location. When I spin around, I’m immediately bombarded by two sensations. First, is the clarity in my brain that only comes when Eraser Head is muting my quirk. The second, is the heat that grows in my stomach when I realize exactly who I’m up against. My chest flushes, and my thoughts flash back to my dream, the way he had halfway kissed me. That’s all the distraction he needs to scoop me up in his capture weapon and have me dangling upside down from the nearest street pole.

Seeing him from this angle is different as the blood starts to rush to my head, making me feel dizzy. I thrash around a little, to no avail, before allowing myself to give up, feeling too sluggish from my meal anyways. Even if I manage to get out of this coil I could barely expect to actually get away. Eraser Head slowly saunters up to my upside down body, rocking from side to side, he looks menacing and my body clenches tight again. Gezzus fuck, this man is hot. “You wanted to see me again. That’s what you said, isn’t it?” He pulls the goggles covering his eyes up unto his forehead and I can see his whole face. There’s a scar underneath his eye that I hadn’t seen before, it marks his skin beautifully and I can’t help but imagine what he looked like with the fresh wound, blood running down his face. I bet it was gorgeous. He’s a striking figure on his own, but covered in blood? I gulp heavily, the downward gravity making it hard. Eraser bends his knees, squatting down so we’re on an even eye level, his are still glowing red and I’m reeling from the proximity. He’s so close. He’s right there. I could reach out and grab him if my arms weren’t strung up to my sides.

I can’t touch him, but he’s still close enough for me to throw my head back, letting the momentum force me back down to collide my skull with his. I hear a crunch and feel warm blood trickle up my face from my nose, it's in my mouth too. Eraser stumbles back, not prepared for a headbutt. It’s true what they say, no one wins in a headbutt, but it feels like a win as I see a small trail of blood coming from his forehead, it’s so much hotter that it’s my blood. He looks even better than I had imagined, of course he does. My skull is pulsing already and my quirk is returned to me as he tries to steady himself. He does, quicker than I had hoped. My head is still splitting and I don't have enough time to regain myself before he’s taking my quirk again. Damn, he’s good. I chuckle to myself, licking the blood from my lips. This is actually kind of fun. Eraser Head looks down at me again, gripping my hair tightly now to keep me from moving again. His eyes are wild, his jaw tight. It’s taking all of him not to beat the living shit out of me. I can tell.

Then his expression changes and he looks mischievous, teasing even. The slight confusion I have is short lived before he yanks my head forward, my neck craned at an awkward angle to look directly up at him. “My turn.” He says, dropping my head so I’m swinging back and forth again, only able to see him every couple seconds. He takes a step back and I see him poise himself for a second, spinning into a roundhouse kick that connects with my temple and knocks me out cold.

Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!

THINGS ARE DEF GONNA START HEATING UP FROM HERE!!!! stay tuned hehe XD

#bro this is getting dangerous #I cant keep defending myself #things are getting hot in the kitchen #mr aizawa #aizawa x reader #bnha shouta aizawa #aizawa shouta #bnha x reader #fan fic author #fan fic #my hero fanfic #eraser head #pro hero eraserhead #villian #x reader #bnha oc #my ocs

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nazghoulz · 4 years

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The Definitive Ranking of Richard Armitage’s Acting Roles, Rated Exclusively by How Hot I Find Him In Screengrabs

Richard Armitage. As a diehard Thorin Oakenshield fan I certainly have a complicated relationship with him, mainly because I can never decide if I find him inherently hot or not. On the one hand, I’m a hardcore Thorinfucker. On the other hand my gay ass sees a headshot of Mr. Armitage and I’m just like, “Oh, no thank you.” So in order to set myself to rights, I have gone through Mr. Armitage’s IMDB and done a definitive ranking of all his 44 screen roles on there, based completely and arbitrarily on how hot I find him in screenshots. (Thank you to all the hardcore Armitage Fuckers who keep wordpress blogs with screengrabs of his various cameos and bit parts; my respect for you cannot be put into words.) I haven’t seen like 90% of these properties, and I didn’t bother to research them, so these are mainly just gut first impressions. I hope this helps anyone else out there who as confused by him as I am. Enjoy ?

44. Father Quart in The Seville Communion/The Man From Rome (2020) — ??/10

I don’t think this movie is out yet? Idk I haven’t been able to find any stills of him, let alone much information about the movie itself. It’s listed on his IMDB though! And apparently he’s playing a priest...which could be extremely 👁️👁️ if done correctly.

43. Unnamed Naboo Fighter Pilot in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999) — 1/10

OH SWEETIE NO!!!!! This physically pains me to say this, because I unironically love this terrible movie with my whole heart, but unlike a yung Kiera Knightley’s role (pictured front and center) as Padmé’s loyal body double Sabé, this is probably a cameo that we would all like to forget about. The only thing Richard has to offer is this unfortunate turtle-faced realness. This helmet does him no favors.

42. Man in Pub in Boon (1992) — 2/10

As far as I know this is Richard’s first acting credit on IMDB, and he for sure is working the background extra energy. Go on girl give us nothing! He does have a decent backside though, and it’s better than looking at unfortunate turtle face, so I give this one a 2.

41. Paul Andrews in Between the Sheets (2003) — 2/10

I can’t really articulate why, but I absolutely despise every screenshot I see of Richard Armitage in this role. He is completely unhot, and not even in a way I can laugh at. He takes no advantage of his assets, he has no charisma, no magnetism, no nothing. This is Richard Armitage at his most white bread rando, in a way that makes me actively dislike him. Pbbbbttth. Bad. Throw this whole thing away.

40. Craig Parker in Casualty (2001) — 2/10

I don’t know, it’s like the perfect storm of the gelled 2001 hair, the terrible quarter? eighth? zip sweater, and overall, er, skeezy vibes that he gives off that makes him particularly unhot in this role. Perhaps not as reprehensible as Unhot Paul, but still. I think the sheer boringness of this has to count for something. Blech.

39. Dr. Tom Steele in Doctors (2001) — 2.5/10

He honestly looks like a villain in an early season of Alias, which... well. Quentin Tarantino was cast as a bit-part villain in Alias season one, so take that as you will. But at least he’s compelling here, which is why he gets half a point over Unhot Paul.

38. Steven in Frozen (2005) — 3/10

Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends! Also short haircuts do nothing for you, Richard. Styled like this, they just serve to make you look sort of like a sleaze.

37. Peter Macduff in ShakespeaRe-Told (2005) — 3/10

He honestly looks like he could be a guest star in Friends in this one, where he’s a guy named Jason who Ross meets in Central Perk where they find they have a lot in common. Ross introduces Jason to Monica and they really hit it off, but it all comes crashing down because while Jason is sensitive and writes poetry, he also thinks that the Earth is flat. The rest of the episode is trying to get rid of Jason while he becomes increasingly obsessed with Monica, and Ross cannot quite let go trying to prove to Jason that the world is round. Anyway. Macduff Flat Earth Jason isn’t quite as unhot as Unhot Paul, but he’s pretty much on the same level as Tired Steven.

36. Phillip Durrant in Marple (2007) — 3/10

Something about him in this image really makes me want to punch him in the face. It’s huge Peter Parker in Spider-Man 3 energy.

35. Young Claude Monet in The Impressionists (2006) — 3.5/10

I’M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND IS !!! CARNIVAL BARKER !!!!! STEP RIGHT UP TO SEE THE WORST GOATEE IN HISTORY !!! I was actually going to give Yung Claude a 2 but the more I look at this terrible beard the more impressed I am with the boldness of this look, so I had to bump it up to 3.5. Idk. Just look at this. It’s incredible, especially knowing what kind of beard Armitage can grow himself !!!!!!!!

34. Heinz Kruger in Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) — 3.5/10

This is definitely the best looking he’s been so far in this list, but he’s a Nazi in this one, which makes him unsexy on principle. But do I feel a little something when he gets pinned to the ground by jacked Chris Evans with the above look on his face right before he swallows his cyanide pill? Can neither confirm nor deny. They are also truly playing into his inherently sinister bone structure, so I can respect that.

33. Percy Courtney in Miss Marie Lloyd (2007) — 4/10

Even including Yung Claude and Nazi Heinz, I think Nothing Percy is probably the weakest of Richard’s period looks, mostly because he looks like, well, nothing. He certainly doesn’t pull off that top hat like he does in North and South, and the secret to that might be the lack of sideburns. In this one he just sort of reminds me of the asshole fiance in Titanic.

32. Philip Turner in The Inspector Lynley Mysteries (2005) — 4/10

He’s really giving off bargain bin Hugh Jackman as Wolverine vibes here, if Logan’s energy was more “murderer in a Hallmark channel mystery” than “superhero.” Though, given what sort of show this is, that may be the point! Idk, this isn’t the worst. At least he has a decent haircut in this one. Still, I feel absolutely nothing when I look at him. He’s simply royalty-free stock music given human form.

31. Dr. Alec Track in The Golden Hour (2005) — 4.5/10

I could see how this conceivably be sexy in this role, but to be honest, he’s still nothing to me, sorry. He gets some extra points because he obviously worked out for this role and the hard nips through a white undershirt is a commendable look. I whole-heartedly respect Doctor Alec’s thottitude.

30. Daryl in Staged (1999) — 4.5/10

Speaking of thottitude!!!!! This is one cream-faced business boy that I can certainly get into! He looks like the love interest in a pre-Hayes code homoerotic thriller from the early 1930s. I’m sure that’s just because of the lighting and general staging of this production, but hm... demure. Love it.

29. Capt. Ian Macalwain in Ultimate Force (2003) — 4.5/10

Well, he looks like a character from M*A*S*H but with no charisma, or like an extra in The Great Escape who snitches on Steve McQueen to the Nazis. Also in half the pictures I find of him from this he’s wearing this terrible beret, which I know he can pull off because of a role that ranks much higher on this list. Whoever styles this man really needs to pay attention to what sort of headgear they put on him.

28. Epiphanes in Cleopatra (1999) — 5/10

Speaking of headgear, you know what?? He doesn’t look awful here. A solid 5, perfectly acceptable. I think the helmet does a lot to accentuate the sharpness of his face in this extremely bit part, though the eyeliner definitely also helps as well.

27. John Mulligan in Moving On (2009) — 5/10

Mr. Armitage’s characters can really have potential when a production’s stylist allows him to wear scruff (IN A WAY THAT LOOKS NATURAL, LOOKING AT YOU YUNG CLAUDE). However, as it is with John Mulligan in Moving On here, he just sort of looks like a rando? They’re not playing into the inherent angularity of his face, which for me makes it sort of confusing regarding what sort of emotion I’m supposed to feel while looking at him. As it is, I’m just like, “Yup, that sure is a regular human man, right there.”

26. Smug Man at Party in This Year’s Love (1999) — 5/10

This is the face of a man who less smug and is more DRUNK OUT OF HIS MIND !!!! Idk. He’s cute here, I’ll admit. That’s all I have to say about it.

25. John Standring in Sparkhouse (2002) — 5.5/10

I enjoy the bold choice of giving him wavy hair in this one, but I’m not sure he quite pulls it off. It doesn’t look bad, per se, just... he looks completely nonthreatening. Which I guess could be someone’s thing, but not mine. He honestly looks like a knock-off Will Graham, sans dogs and trauma.

24. Gary in Into the Storm (2014) — 5.5/10

I think the thing that really gets me is that this character’s name is Gary. Who on God’s green Earth looks at Richard Armitage and goes, “Ah yes, you do look like a Gary” ??? I don’t think I know of a single non-American Gary, especially since the name Gary only got popularized after Gary Cooper renamed himself after his hometown of Gary, Indiana!!!! It wasn’t really a name for human men before that!!!! I want to live in the alternate universe where Frank Cooper was originally from Albuquerque and named himself Albuquerque Cooper and this character is named as such. Gary. Really.

23. King Oleron in Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016) — 5.5/10

I truly hate how much his facial expressions in these stills remind me of Thorin, considering how bad he looks otherwise. Like his face his fine, I guess, especially since this is the first instance of his full beard. I’m charmed despite myself! Take me to wonderland, O King.

22. Adam Price in The Stranger (2020) — 5.5/10

For as compelling as people call this series, Richard here isn’t very much so imo. But despite my utter lack of interest, he doesn’t look bad per se. He just sort of has that stubbly white man blandness that colors a lot of his more recent roles. Like, at least his bad mid-2000′s styling had character. This is just the visual representation of a vague handwave.

21. Harry Kennedy in The Vicar of Dibley (2006) — 6/10

Gosh... floppy hair, cute sweaters... he also seems to be smiling a lot in this one, which is nice! The only thing I have to complain about is that he looks very much like if Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman circa Kate and Leopold had a baby, which may not necessarily be too much of a bad thing, but I can’t unsee it.

20. Sgt. John Porter in Strike Back (2010) — 6/10

Ah, back to poorly suited haircuts. At least he’s a little bit gritter and grimier than we’ve seen so far, and I will say Richard Armitage does look good covered in dirt, as we will see later on. Also he’s got biceps in this one, which, hell yeah.

19. Ricky Deeming in Inspector George Gently (2007) — 6/10

I’M HAVING THE HARDEST TIME RIGHT NOW RANKING THIS ONE BC OF THIS INCREDIBLE LITTLE WHITE SCARF-RIDING LEATHERS COMBO!!! WHICH ABSOLUTE GENIUS DECIDED THIS!!!! EVERY SCREENSHOT OF HIM IN HIS EPISODE HAS THIS!!! Part of me just wants to give Stylish Ricky a big fat 10 because I’m gay and adore the sheer audacity of this look, but I still have to be fair and rank his overall aura accordingly. I think he’s a handsome extremely gay-coded motorcycle lad in this one, but he doesn’t exactly rev my engine, so to speak.

18. Lucas North in Spooks (2008) — 6/10

The tattoos really spice this one up. Luke could have been plagued by the problems inherent in Regular Mulligan’s Moving On styling, but this guy has an edge to him. He has a good haircut and 5′ o’clock shadow, which is something I’ve figured out is integral to Armitage Hotness. I feel like if I got to know this character I could possibly find him sexy.

17. Raymond de Merville in Pilgrimage (2017) — 6.5/10

Speaking of bad haircuts, this one is his undoing. This is almost the perfect balance between full beard and short haircut, which is the only way a short haircut works on this man, but they ruined it with this one! They gave him a bad bowl fade, which completely undoes any inherent sexiness that comes with being a knight. Not even the fact that he’s covered in dirt can turn me on at this point, ugh. Guy of Gisbourne he is not!!!

16. Tom Calahan in Brain on Fire (2016) — 6.5/10

Oh hell yes, WELCUM 2 DA DILF ZONE!!! I’m not super duper thrilled with the looks I’ve seen from this movie, but he seems scruffy and comfy in a way that is slightly refreshing for ol’ Richard. This is certainly the best of his normie looks so far. I’m just sad it took them 24 years to figure out how to style him properly for sympathetic roles in a contemporary setting.

15. James in My Zoe (2019) — 6.5/10

It’s another DILF look, slightly edgier than Comfy Tom but none of that sexy tired energy that we’ll see from Ocean’s 8. I don’t know !! Jimmy here doesn’t exactly thrill me, I think I prefer Tom’s flannels to this sharp bomber jacket/white t shirt combo seen here. Oh well! I am extremely 👀 👀 👀 👀 👀 that he can just casually palm that soccer ball like that.

14. John Thornton in North & South (2004) — 7/10

Alright. I’m sorry. I just don’t find him that hot in this role. Like yeah, he’s got the scruff and the sideburns that work to his advantage, and the setting does make this character inherently sexy, but in some screenshots he screams too much of an aforementioned Kate and Leopold (the best Meg Ryan movie, imo) era Hugh Jackman to me. And if I was particularly into that, I would just watch Kate and Leopold again. I will admit, however, that this rating could be subject to change if I actually took the time to watch this show.

13. Chop in Urban and the Shed Crew (2015) — 7/10

...I’M??? INTO IT??? He’s dirty and scruffy but also has kind eyes.... I feel like this is knock off Will Graham who has blossomed into his own. His run down, grime-covered own. He’s back edging into Bradley Cooper territory, but somehow it works for him in this one. Like, I’m 89% sure it’s the DILF vibes I’ve been getting from the other screengrabs I’ve seen of this role, and this particular flavor of DILF is way sexier than Jimmy or Comfy Tom.

12. Francis Dolarhyde in Hannibal (2015) — 7/10

His Caesar cut doesn’t bother me quite so much in this, probably because he is pretty explicitly playing a villain in a series that doesn’t have any basis in reality. A villain who is ripped, and who can effortlessly throw real Will Graham around. Armitage uses his inherent sinisterness to great effect as the Red Dragon, which is good actually! I think a lot of how hot he is in any particular role really depends on whether the styling allows him to play to his strengths...idk! I’m not usually a huge fan of clean shaven Armitage, but it works for Frank here.

11. Daniel Miller in Berlin Station (2016) — 7/10

As much as I adore this particular look (beard + fade + green army jacket), I have to compromise and give Danny a 7/10 because it seems like the first season they styled him in usual stubbly white man blandness. I’d say screengrabs from s1 are a solid 6, while this might be an 8, so the average is a 7. That’s all I have to say about this!

10. Claude Becker in Ocean’s 8 (2018) — 7.5/10

!!!!! I love him in this role, I about had a conniption in the theater because I absolutely was not expecting him!! He looks perfectly ruffled and scruffy, edgier than either Comfy Tom or Jimmy, which I’m very into. That plus his two borzois (objectively the best looking dogs on the planet) really put Old Claude over the top for me. Thank you, thank you Hollywood stylists for finally figuring out what to do with him for roles as a Normal Man.

9. Richard Hall in The Lodge (2019) — 7.5/10

I don’t know anything about this movie, but it seems pretty spooky, which I’m into. I think Richard is well suited for this sort of horror/thriller role, where his angular features can play into the overall vibe rather than some hapless stylist trying to work around them. He looks like another cozy DILF here but with a bite to him, like someone who would do anything to protect his brood. I mean, he’s teaching this child to shoot! But idk, he also has the potential for Jack Nicholson in The Shining energy, which I also could be....hm... into. Idk. Is this on Netflix??

8. Lee in Cold Feet (2003) — 7.5/10

FUN!!! FLIRTY!!!! OTTER VIBES!!!!! I LOVE THIS, he seems so goofy here, and Armitage doesn’t usually pull off goofy that well! I’ve giggled at literally every screenshot I could find from the four episodes he was in this show, he seems like a real himbo. I’m a huge fan, even if it comes at the cost of dehydration abs.

7. William Chatford in Malice Aforethought (2005) — 7.5/10

Hoo hoo HOO DO NOT JUDGE ME!!!!!!! Maybe it’s just because I’ve been watching the new season of The Alienist and the new dark and gritty HBO reboot of Perry Mason back to back, but sue me, I love the bold choice they made with giving him a pencil moustache here. He looks like a hot Howard Hughes; if cream-faced business boy Daryl from Staged is the young ingenue in the pre-Hayes Code thriller I cast him in, Bill here is the sexy antagonist. I desperately want to hear a perfect Transatlantic accent coming out out of that mouth. This look fucks and I’m sticking to that no matter what.

6. Trevor Belmont in Castlevania (2017) — 8/10

Ah, yes, speaking of king himbos... do me a favor and look me right in the eye and tell me that you wouldn’t fuck Trevor Belmont. You can’t, can you?????? At least 80% of Richard Armitage’s inherent hotness stems from his voice, and you can’t tell me there isn’t anything sexier than thinking about letting that guy loose in a recording studio and letting him say fuck. Look, Trevor may be drawn that way, but it’s the absolute stupidity coming out of his mouth in that sweet baritone that makes me want to be raw-dogged by 100% pure Romanian beef.

5. Dr. Scott White in Sleepwalker (2017) — 8/10

Much like I had intimated when talking about Hot Danny in Berlin Station, this is Peak contemporary normie Richard Armitage styling. I honestly think The Hobbit either awakened something in him, or casting directors finally figured out he looks way good with a full beard. His crew cut even works with his whole look, which is a miracle!!!! I think he should be contractually obligated to have a full beard in all of his future roles, but that’s just me.

4. Guy of Gisbourne in Robin Hood (2006) — 8.5/10

I honestly can’t believe I’m ranking Guy so far up here, but honestly, THIS RULES!!!!!! THIS FUCKS!!!!!!!!! Which is incredible due to Guy’s lack of beard, but I’m weirdly okay with it? Like sure, he looks like he’d probably call me a slur in front of his shitty friends, but he also looks like he could tenderly pound me into the mattress in a way that would have me questioning my commitment to the “no emotions” clause of our clandestine no-strings-attached sex agreement. Anyway. Guy of Gisbourne if you see this im free thursday night. please message me back if you’re free thursday night when i am fr

3. Angus in Macbeth (1999) — 8.5/10

HHHNGHGNHNGHGN HE’S SO HOT.....!!! HE’S SO HOT!!!!! Leather jacket!!! Scruff!! Dirt!!!! Flattering beret!!!!! He’s so hot, and the worst part about this is that this was filmed in NINETEEN NINETY NINE!!!!!!!!!!!! Which means we could have always had this, had stylists and makeup artists PLAYED TO HIS STRENGTHS!!!!! He’s so hot I’m getting legitimately angry. Without scruff and dirt this man is nothing. N o t h i n g.

2. John Proctor in The Crucible (2014) — 9/10

Look, I know I have a type. But... this guy is just so hot, Daniel Day Lewis please step aside!!!! Contemporary theater historians describe John Proctor as a “strong beast of a man,” and... hhhHHOOOGH HELL YEAH!!! HELL !!!! YEAH !!!!! Like, his dick got almost his entire Puritan village, including himself, accused of witchcraft and like, looking at this guy, I kind of get it. I would probably go to war over the raw animal beauty of this horrible dirty, greasy man. Sue me, I confess. I saw Goody Osburn with the devil.

1. Thorin II Oakenshield in The Hobbit Trilogy — 9.5/10

Come on. You knew it was going to be this guy. Look at my icon for christ’s sake. I am completely biased, I cannot look at his pictures objectively. Anyway. Thank you so much for reading, this was a very stupid list.

#rene rambles #this is the worst thing ive ever done tbh #richard armitage

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silentfcknhill · 4 years

Text

AtLA + LoK Villains Evilness Rating

(If you wanna dispute my ratings I’ll be happy to tell you why.)

ATLA:

Ty Lee - 0.5 /10

Cinnamon roll. Too pure for this world. Naïve and will put her faith in you 100%. Kind of ditzy but can take you down with no hard feelings. Needs to be liked by everyone. Is very flexible. Can strangle you with her legs and giggle while doing it. Chooses bad friends. Has frustratingly good luck.

Uncle Iroh- 1/10

Actual angel but could still open up a can of whoop-ass if necessary. Too supportive and forgiving. Loves tea, sitting around, speaking in proverbs and leading by example. Probably considers you a friend. Surprisingly powerful but mostly peaceful. Hard to provoke but if you do, just run. Fear the nice ones.

Jet- 3/10

Misguided and extreme but also traumatized. Don't get in his way. Kind of twisted and obsessive af. Ends justify the means, until they don't. Needs a proper role model and has potential. Can be unreasonable and is still kind of a jerk. Will gaslight you.

Prince Zuko- 3.5/10

Conflicted, violent and angsty but mostly needs a lot of reassurance. Has a major boner for his honor. Will freak out over nothing. Has been through a lot and will not be underestimated. Grumpy and willful af and won't listen to you until it's too late, then will blame you for misleading him.

June- 4/10

Might beat you up or kidnap you for money but it's nothing personal. Might insult you as a way of flirting. Looks pretty and delicate but don't be fooled. Can beat you up in a split second and not break a sweat. Will probably take all your stuff and never give it back. Lives for the tough girl aesthetic.

Mai- 5/10

Is just bored and over it all. Throwing knives is something to do. Apathetic and will probably just follow along with whatever including murder but will complain the entire time. Emo af. Would risk it all for a quick nap. Prone to bite your head off. Too smart for you and will let you know.

Wan Shi Tong- 6.5/10

A total dick. Tired of your shit and is judging you. Thinks humans are garbage and won't get involved with them until it suits him. Don't touch his books or he will literally eat you. Nerdiest bastard. Doesn't trust you so don't try any shit with him. Sees through your pathetic lies. Kind of an elitist.

Combustion Man- 7/10

Thinks blowing shit up is a form of art. Doesn't believe in communication. Very serious and focused. Do not fight him. Probably gets crapped on more than he deserves. A mystery wrapped in a bald head. Probably has a tattoo of the names of all the people he's killed and he's ready to add yours.

Hama- 7.5/10

Traumatized old hag. Created bloodbending but too crazy to do much with it now. May kidnap you and keep you in a dank hole forever. Seems sweet at first but is hiding a lot of secrets. Don't eat her cooking. Thinks sitting at home scheming is a job. Hates you for whatever small thing you did to her 57 years ago. Forgets nothing.

Long Feng- 8/10

Conniving af. Will brainwash you, lie to your face and maybe make you disappear. Wants everything and will plot to take it all. Perfectionist and control freak, will stab you in the back and you won't see it coming. Is tired of taking everyone's shit. Thinks he deserves better but he doesn't. Kills children.

Admiral Zhao- 8/10

Explosive temper. Huge egomaniac and narcissist. Hates the moon. Has probably killed a lot of people and fish and you're next. Will do whatever it takes. Won't listen to anything you say. Punch first, ask questions never. Jumps to a lot of conclusions, is usually wrong. Frequently embarrasses self.

Koh the Face-Stealer- 8.5/10

Terrifying and will probably steal your face. Do not approach. Too indifferent to chase you but can be sneaky af so watch your back. Doesn't handle emotions well. A total loner. The guy who knows everything but nobody wants to talk to. Fear him. To know him is to hate him. Makes you question everything.

Firelord Azulon- 9/10

Will order your execution on a whim and maybe a relative or two first for the appetizer. Do not question him. Will play favorites and call you out on things that are his fault. Overreacts and you should probably not be around when it happens. Disapproves of all your choices and is very vocal about this fact. Forces parents to kill their children.

Firelord Sozin- 9/10

Will commit genocide and take over the world while yelling at you for minor shit. Kind of a petty and jealous asshole. Even if you think he is your friend he isn't and is going to attack you. A big old bully with bad breath and a wonky beard. The original starter of all drama and certified instigator shitlord.

Princess Azula- 9/10

Unstable and manipulative. Sadist who thrives off of your fear and suffering. Will hurt you badly in all the ways. Avoid at all costs. Acts cold and calculating but really has no chill. Demands your respect but won't earn it. Trolling you gives her pleasure. The spawn of satan and loving it. Mommy issues to infinity.

Firelord Ozai- 9.5/10

Second worst dad ever. No soul. Will burn every tree and face to a crisp. Child abuse for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Actual sociopath. Will kill someone and banish you for it. Goatee comes first. Will project all his insecurities on you. Will tell everyone your secrets. World's biggest megalomaniac.

LOK:

Varrick- 3/10

Will probably lie, try to con you out of money, order you to do things for him and tell bad jokes but that's as far as it's gonna go. Eccentric and annoying af. Doesn't know when to shut up. Needs to learn some lessons in life. Attracts more trouble than he's worth. Has all the good gossip somehow.

Bataar Jr.- 3/10

The guy that nobody likes because he tries too hard and ends up ruining everything. Enjoys being a bitch. Wants to rebel but is bad at it. Do you love me now father? Tries to act like he doesn't care what you think but cares way too much. Will not kill you but might get engaged to your ex to spite you.

Police Chief Saikhan- 3.5/10

Will do anything you say for a price, except give a fuck. Doesn't really care about anything. Might arrest you just because he doesn't like you. The type to pretend he didn't hear you just to avoid responsibility. Likes to yell into things. Hates helping people. Is actually a giant rock in disguise.

Tahno- 3.5/10

A total prick. Has nicer hair than you and won't let you forget it. Very flamboyant and arrogant. Will gloat over being better than you at everything even though he cheated every time. Talks mad shit but can't walk the walk. Ultimately a big baby. Lowkey protect him. Wants to be the cool kid but isn't cool.

Desna- 4/10

Couldn't care less. Actual inanimate object. Lurks around for no reason. Hates everything and that includes you. Listens to his elders and would probably leave you for dead. Just wants to sleep. Secretly goth. Might actually be two small robots in a trenchcoat pretending to be human.

Councilman Tarrlok- 4.5/10

Attention whore with a savior complex. Smol bean who wants approval. Acts arrogant but is secretly depressed and self-loathing af. Stubborn and clingy emotional wreck with impulse control issues. Needs a hug. Will probably manipulate you through guilt or charisma. Wants to be Lucius Malfoy, but cries at night.

Hiroshi Sato- 5/10

Has lost sight of what's important. Total extremist. Will get revenge on you for something you didn't even do. Well respected and seems innocent but is plotting your downfall. Can build a whole army and take you down. Kind of a traitor. Loyalty is volatile. Thinks he always knows what's best for you but doesn't know shit.

The Lieutenant- 5/10

In way over his head. Wants to make a difference but has let bitterness take over. Will probably electrocute you. Puts his faith in the wrong people. Kind of snobby and will hold a grudge. 99 problems and benders are about 98 of them. Tired of being pushed around but still lets himself be pushed around. FLOPPY MUSTACHE.

Aiwei- 5.5/10

Thinks he's better than you and probably isn't. Wants to be sneaky but really is just too predictable. Boring af and tries to be unique but fails miserably. Lets everyone take advantage of him. Don't lie to him. Will harbor resentment and take it out on you at a random point in time. Discount Long Feng but not as smart or ambitious.

Eska- 5.5/10

Will stalk you aggressively. Thinks slavery is a relationship. Eyeliner sharp enough to kill. Never betray her or she will destroy you. Might use you as a footstool. Seems emotionally dead inside, but don't test her dormant waters. Uses everyone and feels no guilt. Hipster trash. No concept of boundaries or social interaction.

Ghazan- 6/10

Sarcasm game strong enough to fatally wound you. Doesn't say much. Has tree trunks for limbs and will probably use them to throw lava and rocks at you. Lowkey protective af. Don't get on his bad side. You can't get on his good side. Would rather kill everyone including himself than let you win an argument.

Zaheer- 6/10

A wannabe hippie but will still fight the system and you too. Don't try to control him. Gets annoyed when people breathe too loud. Is kind of a contradiction. Will literally blow you away. Anarchy equals freedom. Fuck the police. Can sit in the same spot for a really long time. Probably a flat earther.

Ming-Hua- 7/10

Has a significant disability but can still easily slaughter you. Innovative and sneaky af. As fast and agile as an actual lemur. A natural disaster wherever she goes. Doesn't listen to your advice. Overcompensates a lot. Probably her own worst enemy. Is quiet and likes to eavesdrop on your business.

Kuvira- 7.5/10

Wants to control everything. Who invited her to poop the party? Highkey evil and just plain mean. Will use your corpse as a decoration if you get in her way. Secretly petty and superficial af. Thinks social bonding is trying to seduce you in order to take charge of your life. Individuality punishable by death. Even other villains hate her.

P'Li- 7.5/10

Can explode you with her mind. Her gaze will pierce you to the core. Strong independent and violent woman who don't need a man but chooses to have one anyway. Will shave you off just like the sides of her hair. Has no problem fucking shit up. Boss bitch. Loyal to only a select few, so too bad for you.

Amon- 8/10

Charismatic but scary and mysterious af. Huge hypocrite. Will silently judge you. Powerful, selfish and cruel. Manipulative as hell and uses intimidation to get you to comply. Pretends to have empathy but really just wants control. Will cripple you physically and emotionally without warning. Knows all of your weaknesses but none of his own.

Earth Queen Hou-Ting- 8.5/10

The actual worst. Eats your pets for supper. Her yelling is the #1 cause of deafness worldwide. Will keep you prisoner and then have you killed for looking at her. The bossiest Drama Queen ever. Will be the cause of all your misery and will be proud of it. Bark is the same as her bite. Lots of daddy issues.

Chief Unalaq- 9/10

Religious extremist. Actually batshit insane. Wants to destroy the entire world. Has ascended from this pathetic plane of human existence. Loner whose only friends are invisible. Wants you to think he's just shy and misunderstood but NOPE. Knows what you want to hear and says it. Will sell you to satan for one cornchip.

Yakone- 9.5/10

Worst dad ever. Will either bloodbend you, try to live vicariously through you or both. Absolutely no redeeming traits except for being physically human. Abuse equals tough love. Might beat your ass for no good reason and expect your gratitude for it. Criminal mastermind with no conscience and all of the entitlement.

Vaatu- 10/10

Actually the devil. Literal incarnation of darkness and chaos. Ultimate troll and force of disaster in the world. Doesn't know any better, but still an asshole by choice. Will use you until you're no longer of value. Has a hard-on for destruction. Likes to play the victim. Will consume your soul and burp loudly.

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