#i love my psych survivor friends and loved ones so much

[trans-axolotl]

my life has been so much richer and full of meaning since I was introduced to mad liberation +the psych survivor movement and i am so so so grateful for the people who shared their time and energy and stories with me. can't imagine where i would be today without the people who helped me start dreaming of different ways of living + loving + caring for each other.

#personal #crazy to me that it was almost three years ago now that i like. first heard about psych incarceration and went Huh. huh. things make sense #antipsychiatry #mad liberation #mad pride #i love my psych survivor friends and loved ones so much #watching one of my best friends who's also a psych survivor get up in front of a room full of professionals and defend her thesis on #carceral structures of psychiatry settler colonialism and her proposal for Indigenous community care for suicidality #and im just so so proud of her and value her wisdom and insight and friendship so much #and knowing where she's come from and where she has lived to now #it has been such a comfort to be able to talk about instituionlization with someone else who has survived it #and only live like two minutes away from her #i

[tartarduck]

words about tot chapter 9

Gave myself a solid day to stew in my thoughts about ch9 and I just want to say that mihoyo is EVIL for timing it right before the anniversary. I don't know if I can be happy knowing Luke is suffering all alone in every conceivable universe other than his personal story/card timeline.

Point 1: How the chapter explored Luke's feelings of guilt for... Existing I guess?

I've been eagerly awaiting the reveal of Luke's survivor's guilt. The whole [wanting spirits to exist so he can at least apologise, or do SOMETHING, but knowing they don't] is such exquisite angst. I'm very happy they took the effort to write it in (though fortune tellers actually scare me in real life).

And now onto the related Point 2: Luke's feelings of guilt for literally everything else

I was reading through Luke's birthday greetings, and realised how often he calls himself greedy for literally wanting anything. God damn, SHE IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND IT'S NOT GREEDY OF YOU TO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HER --

That aside, it comes back to the theme of Luke Pearce's thought process, which in my brain goes a little something like this:

Good thing happens -> I do not deserve this

Bad thing happens -> It is completely my fault and no one else's

Which, might I add, vaguely reminded me of something from a lecture I forgot from my psych undergrad years. I'm worried for you, Luke. Please, Dr Yishmir, refer him to one of your colleagues for mental health.

In his personal 'route', he finally starts to come around with the idea that sometimes bad things... just happen and it's no one's fault (thank you, strategically placed rainbow in iridescent heartbeat). But in the main story? He's been feeling guilty ever since he saw MC after avoiding her for YEARS. There's no Aaron meddling with the two of them, or MC helping him clean his mess of a house to kick-start a card story. This is the man who hid in the attic after sending his confession after a YEAR of dates with MC -- the main story doesn't even give him a chance to start forgiving himself.

Basically, Luke Pearce is a mess in the main story, because everything that makes him un-messy happens by pure chance.

Point 3: Luke's black and white thinking of good and bad

One of the highlights of this chapter for me was Luke's anecdote about him faking a cold so MC would go out with her other friends and forget about him. Now, that's all well and good until he compares himself to the mum with Munchausen's syndrome, who is the closest thing we get to a 'villain' in this chapter. On top of his guilt, this whole I'm either a good or completely bad person mindset is really not doing favours for his mental health.

His anecdote also happens to be an interesting parallel to shape of you, because I remember Luke specifically wished to be forgotten in that card. He wants what's best for MC (because he thinks that he's taking everyone's love from her) but he also wants something for himself. And because he doesn't believe he's able to do both, but also because he isn't able to let go of his 'selfishness' sometimes, he thinks he's an awful person.

And now, to the last to do in my rant agenda.

Point 4: what happens in chapter 12. (Spoilers for CN server, but only about the Luke scene)

1. Ohmygod. He's going to run away. I can't see main story Luke NOT blaming himself for nearly hurting the MC. In whichever timeline, his priority is to keep her safe, and god, if he thinks he's a danger to her, the only way to keep her safe would be by disappearing again.

2. I'm going to read too much into this but MC trying to get Luke to recognise her while she's being pinned to the ground is such delectable angst. He's always worried that she'd forget about him -- whether it was the 8 years or literally just hanging out with other kids at school. But here she is, in a situation where he's essentially forgotten about her. The voice that my brain concocted up for MC was extra desperate in that scene.

Anyway, that's all I had to say about the recent main story developments in ToT. Keep the angst coming, writing staff. What a power move to send this out right before anniversary on BOTH servers. If there's anything I've taken away from this, it's that Luke stans are absolutely unhinged. Twitter circle people, I see you requesting more angst. How can we get even angstier than Luke nearly hurting MC while he's dressed in the outfit that he wears for his proposal card ??

#a long rant #about chapter 9 #tears of themis #just text #and i wrote this completely on my phone in one sitting so forgive any spelling/grammar errors #i needed to just . get this out

[codename-adler]

my niche take (not for canon tho): i quite dislike the wildly popular hc that andrew has tons of piercings… it just doesn’t seem… right? it would fit his style (?) and personality for sure but i just can’t help feeling like he would never? do that? i think the same of tattoos but that bothers me a little less…

ah, this is gonna get me sent to sleep with da fishes...

i am of the same opinion. (i would like to stress here, opinion)

my opinion stems both from personal experience and canon characterization, and it has nothing to with aesthetics. of course, of course, tiny emo beef boy would rock tattoos and piercings. he canonically wears all-black, smokes, wields knives and listens to soul asylum. of course.

however, so much of Andrew's traumas, trauma responses and PTSD are based in physicality.

first, Andrew did not own his body, it being abused and abused and abused, by people he trusted, and people he didn't. the 'trust' part didn't matter; his body was abused. he learned the lesson and kept guard of his body rigidly, tirelessly, violently (the lesson he thought there was; there is no lesson to get from child SA).

second, Andrew took back his body in ways his psyche could understand and accept. SH and hypersexuality. both instances have him in control of every inch of his body. nobody touches, only him. nobody inflicts, only him. before; during; after. Neil is the exception confirming the pattern, the rule.

third, Andrew defends his body against whoever he must. no matter family, friends, team, Neil. his body and subconscious always remember before his consciousness does. again, even if Neil helps start his journey towards healing, trust doesn't really have a say in his defense mechanism. violence it is. violence it must be.

now. say it is a professional tattoo artist or piercer: how long before Andrew trusts them enough? how long before trust doesn't matter and the itch of the past settles into his skin? what if the eyebrow piercing feels too similar to the bottle Drake broke onto his head? what if the forearm tattoos tickle his self-inflicted scars like Drake's kisses did? what if the person ticks off a no-no box of Andrew's mid-session? there are so many variables Andrew does not control, why put himself in the situation and risk his last pebble of sanity?

i think the only way Andrew would get either piercings or tattoos would be if Neil did them. hello fic writers go fucken wild with this one.

personally i'd say it would only happen quite a few years after TRK, when Andrew has matured, possibly when his pro career is over because ouch Exy brawls and piercings don't get along well, but that's just me. maybe just studs, maybe the tattoos are very minimalists and have nothing to do with Andrew's scars, idk.

i'd like to be clear on one thing though: my believing Andrew does not ever have piercings and/or tattoos has nothing to do with believing he does not heal enough to do that, or that survivors of abuse like him are broken to the point of never getting anything done to their body. to me it's like Andreil never saying 'i love you' and never getting married. Andrew, like Neil, like the Foxes, are unconventional, difficult characters whose healing journeys are not pretty nor normalized. but it doesn't mean they don't get to a healthy place, whatever that looks for them. it does not mean they are not okay, and valid in their choices. to me, it has everything to knowing yourself so thoroughly, forgiving yourself so wholly, accepting yourself so completely, that there is no need to hide your body or prove your limits, to your own self or to others. i think it would be much more significant if Andrew one day could simply remove his armbands, and never wear them again, than to cover his scars with tattoos. to allow himself softness rather than arm his presence with more piercings.

again, it's also not that serious. Andrew can have an ice cream cone tattooed on his ass for all i care. give him a dainty little nose ring he sniffs up one time and has to go to the ER to get in unstuck. it's all shits and giggles if you wanna.

#thank you anon for that niche take #idk how niche it is just that the piercing hc is wildly WILDLY accepted in fanon #for context i do have the one (1) tattoo and plan on getting more so it's not like i'm a conservative in that regard #and i think nose piercings are p cute #aftg #all for the game #the foxhole court #andrew minyard #andreil #neil josten #aftg ask

[rrcenic]

about me !!!

basically im like if kaveh had a dad

hi i’m nic!! he/him, ftm, gay, and polyamorous. dating the cutest handsomest silliest dude ever @lord-of-the-bundle-of-sticks <33

im 15! audhd + bpd + anxiety + depression. been on t for a year

i stole my personality from ben balmaceda

FREE PALESTINE

dni if ur an asshole its not that hard to be kind to people :)

my youtube account (i upload animatics and short animation shitposts here)

my ao3 account (i upload my fanfics here)

my tiktok account (general shitposts, animations, cosplay

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️���️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

interests/fandoms:

i like ships (im deranged about gay people) especially haikaveh tartali and diluven

proud navia main 💪💪 ar 55 usa server, uid is 648133957

main interests: genshin and lord of the flies

other things: les mis, dead poets society, hazbin, spto, good omens, enders game, mcr

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

navigation:

nics stuff - original post/post with contribution

my art - art tag

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

warnings:

-i post about triggering topics

-i use slurs that apply to me

-i am a minor, but i still enjoy mildly nsfw content. do not be alarmed. i’m simply a freak.

-i’m literally insane if ur nice to me once i’ll tell you i love you

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

pssst, if you’ve made it this far, go follow/check out these people:

@cissyenthusiast010155 my cousin, the dysfunctional sherlock to my mom friend watson. has a lesbian army and enjoys tall women

@alreadykindled my other cousin! though i rarely see them irl, it’s so lovely to stay in touch on tumblr :)

@casimirt cannot stress enough how much i adore them. they’re so sweet and kind and their writing!! it’s incredible!! they always have something silly or sweet to say and everyone should go send em some love and support right now!!

@mnemosynthetic she is unhinged and i am here for it <3

@peachtaglia grrr such a cool person!! cannot stress how amazing it is to have a mutual who’s into genshin, good omens, AND lotf!! very fun to chat w

@mccall-me-maurice / @toddreblogslotf / @todd-anderson-trash always creating beautiful art and being an amazing friend <3

@saturns-ringg talented and sweet and kind! the number one mitski stan

@that-other-fruity-emo always ready to be a strong friend or to just interact! creates so much content and is always online

@grumpyheartbear i adore living vicariously through cal and cat’s silly stories of their amazingly cool lives

@twinknightmare thanjk you for reblogging this bc it reminded me that i completely forgor to tag you lmao

@candle-buds so mad that i forgot to add you to this list bc you genuinely have some of the most amazing art i’ve ever seen. it makes me very happy

@kunfire epic lotf posts!!

@charli3emily they accidentally deleted their old account sobs,,,

@felixfeliccis i like ur silly comics and your little creatures :)

@haythenonwolf @wyntercrystal9 fellow grippy socks survivors, heads full of musical theatre lyrics. psyched to be mutuals (i love dumb puns). miss you guys.

@orel-missing ur dps art inspires me so much <33 i literally adore ur ideas about characters

@thatdumbgoth <333

@cowboylexapro i love chatting w you!!! you have amazing anderperry headcanons

@hhyphae thank you for being very kind :) i hope to be closer w you in the future and like being your friend very much

@kenonade ILY AND UR ART ITS SO GOOD AAAAAH

@br4e1yn you.r art skills,,,,, hhhhng they are very very good ,,,,

@nocoisrealinmyheart cool homie!! i miss like. hanging out and interacting w you lmao

@lord-of-the-bundle-of-sticks THE COOLEST!!

@nickwildelvr childe slander <333

@imlight amazing artist grrrrrr

#introduction #nics stuff #my art #about me

[zoeykallus]

Hey Tumblr crush! I showed some of your pieces to my friend (who doesn't have a Tumblr) and he really likes them! (Especially the HCs you do!) He trains working dogs for urban search and rescue (like searching for survivors in all the rubble after a natural disaster) It's super cool ☺️ If it's okay, he'd like an HC for the Bad Batch reacting to having a s/o (or friend) who trains dogs for these types of scenarios or if they were asked to help in training (by like hiding so the dog can practice finding people. I did that a few times and it was fun!) I told him that you're pretty busy atm, so please take all the time you need. (He told me to tell you to "hydrate or die-drate" So don't forget to drink water and take care of yourself!)

Aloha sweetheart!

Oh wow! Showing me around? Well, so to speak :D (He told me to tell you to "hydrate or die-drate" So don't forget to drink water and take care of yourself!) -Thanks! I will take care of myself. :))

That's something new! I like it :)) Let me give it a try!

The Bad Batch x MaleFriend!Reader - Search And Rescue Dogs

Hunter

He has respect for your job and shows great interest. He is very good with your rescue dogs, it's almost as if they know that his senses are very similar to theirs.

There have been a time or two that you have taken Hunter to training, and he has been thrilled to be allowed to do the exercises with the dogs. It's a good thing you're doing here, and he likes that. And he really likes the dogs.

It's a fascinating sight, Hunter seems very comfortable, handling the dogs comes easy to him, and he seems to like doing this as well.

"You have a talent for this, maybe you should change careers," you say with a smile.

Hunter laughs softly and says, "Yeah, maybe. I would actually like that. But you know I have to stay under the radar, I can't stay somewhere permanently and do a regular job, even if I'd like to."

You sigh softly and say, "Sure, I understand. It's a shame, you're a natural with the dogs and with your senses, you probably wouldn't even need dogs."

Hunter grins at you, "If you ever need help, let me know."

You laugh and ask, "Did you really talk to me right now or my dogs?"

With a smirk, Hunter says, "Both"

Echo

He's on fire for what you're doing. Echo regularly donates to the organization you work for and visits you often to check on you and your dogs.

The dogs like him and enjoy cuddling with him because Echo exudes a certain, soft calmness when he's around them.

Whenever there is a disaster on the news, he thinks of you and wonders how you are holding up. He calls regularly when he sees such news to hear if everything is okay. And of course if the dogs are okay.

Every time he visits he has treats for the dogs, homemade of course, from the best ingredients. The dogs love him for it. He calls himself "Uncle Echo" in their presence.

He has hidden several times to help you train the dogs' sense of smell. Of course, they found him every time, no matter how complicated Echo hid.

"Clever boys!", Echo praises the dogs and hands out treats.

You raise your eyebrows in amusement and say, "If I let you train the dogs, they'd eventually be round as balls with treats"

Echo waves it off and says, "The pups work so hard, they earned the treats and burned through it in no time anyway."

Wrecker

He is incredibly fascinated! And he loves the dogs! The dogs love him too, though they are always psyched when Wrecker visits you because Wrecker loves to play with them so much.

"Hahaha! Where are my good boys? Com'ere!"

Wrecker greets his four-legged friends effusively before standing up and turning back to you.

He grins at you and gently (though in his case gently can get you off balance) pats your back and says jokingly, "Yeah you're a good boy too"

Wrecker loves training, he likes to help out, hide or do the obstacle courses. He loves what you do, one of the main points actually why he likes you. You help others with your work, he basically respects and admires that.

You meet whenever you can, sometimes you go for long walks with the dogs and spontaneously train their sense of smell in the forest. Wrecker has fun like a little boy when he hides and the dogs find him.

Tech

He has a million and one questions. Intrigued by the idea, Tech gladly participates in the training, hides and gives the dogs new challenges. For example, among other things, he has changed his own smell with the help of external influences. The dogs find him anyway.

"Fascinating creatures," he says thoughtfully, handing out treats to your successful crew, "Amazing."

He respects your work, finds it incredibly interesting, and he has new questions, ideas and information of his own to share with you each time he visits. It's all for a good cause, he's always up for that.

Tech also sends you frequent reports on fascinating dog breeds from other planets that he has discovered. He points out their characteristics to you, and if they seem suitable, he suggests you include one in your training and gives you contact information for people you can get in touch with about the breed.

Whenever you accept one of his suggestions, he is very pleased and comes to see the results of your training as soon as he can.

Crosshair

Your dogs are calm and alert in his presence. At first, you thought this was a bad sign, but you soon find out that his own calmness just transfers to the dogs. They are not alert because they distrust him, they are alert because they are attracted and fascinated by his calmness.

Crosshair is not exactly effusive with the dogs, but he likes them. However, he finds the training very interesting. He has made a regular competition out of the search and rescue game. But it doesn't matter how elaborate or complicated he hides, you and the dogs, always find him.

He grumbles every time, but praises the dogs and hands out the treats.

"Okay you little fur-balls, that was good work, could have been faster, but that wasn't bad," he says.

Amused, you say, "You're just annoyed that you can't outsmart them"

Crosshair grumbles, "I bet I could with the right tools, but that's not the point"

You nod in agreement.

"Thanks for your help, it's always handy when I have someone they can track down. It makes training easier"

Crosshair snorts and smirks, "Lying around and waiting is actually one of my specialties as a sniper, it's not like it's elaborate."

"Thanks anyway"

"You're welcome"

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

@rintheemolion

@andyoufollowyourheart @clone-whore-99

@brynhildrmimi @kaliel2310

@misogirl828 @tech-deck

@meshla-madalene

@chxpsi

@thebahdbitch

@nahoney22 @ladykatakuri

@darkangel4121

@ttzamara

@arctrooper69

@padawancat97

@agenteliix

@puppetswithteeth

@palliateclaws

@either-madness-or-brilliance

@ortizshinkaroff

@andy-solo1

@hunterssecretrecipe

@heyitsaloy

@greaser-wolf

@starwarsnerd111

#headcanon #star wars headcanons #tbb headcanons #star wars #star wars tbb #star wars the bad batch #bad batch #the bad batch #tbb #hunter #echo #wrecker #tech #crosshair #tbb hunter #tbb echo #tbb wrecker #tbb tech #tbb crosshair #x reader #male reader #friend reader #bad batch hunter #bad batch echo #bad batch wrecker #bad batch tech #bad batch crosshair #search and rescue dogs #sw tbb #hc

[psychicglittermentality]

Pickup Lines

*gif not mine*

Zelly deserves all the love. Also reader insert fics. And I think this is genuinely terrible, perhaps because I’ve been staring at it since the wjc. Fem reader. Implied underage drinking (possibly). Reader drinks water. 

873 words

You hadn’t really wanted to be there in the first place. You like parties just as much as the next 20 year old university student, but at the moment, you’re recovering from the flu and have a ton of schoolwork to catch up on. But in the end you’d agreed to accompany your friend to the party for two reasons. One, as much as you love your best friend, she needs an anchor to keep her from flying away. And two, you did NOT want to tackle the enormous pile of homework sitting on your desk. Those things lead to you leaning against the kitchen counter and sipping from a bottle of water as you keep your eye on your friend who’s flirting with a guy on the couch. 

���Hey.” A guy leans on the counter next to you, drawing your attention away from the living room. His hair is dark and he has a wide mouth and an upturned nose. On the whole, pretty cute. Like, exactly your type. You’re still foggy enough from the flu to wonder if you’d conjured him up out of your mind. He’s that perfect. “You look really familiar,” he continues, squinting at your face in an attempt to place you.

You wrack your brain, trying to figure out where he knows you from. You feel kind of bad because you feel like you should definitely remember him. 

“Didn’t we take a class together?” 

You knit your brow and shake your head because he’s certainly not in any of your classes. Or any of your past ones. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think so,” you tell him, fiddling with the water bottle. Get it together, you scold yourself. It’s just a boy. A cute boy. A really cute boy. 

“Really?” He asks, the beginnings of a smile starting to form. “Cause I could have sworn we had chemistry.” 

You press your lips together, understanding immediately what he was trying to do, ignoring the little flutter of happiness that he’s hitting on you. “I don’t want to be mean,” you say slowly, your mouth curving upwards, matching the smile on his face. “But that was probably the worst pickup line I’ve ever heard.” 

“Oh?” He challenges, eyebrows raised. “Let’s hear your best, then.” 

“Alright, are you ready?” 

“Hit me with it.” 

You clear your throat. “Hi, what’s your name?” 

“Olen,” he answers. An unusual name, but it suits him. 

You wait, looking at him expectantly. 

“What?” He asks. “Is that all you got? Cause I think mine might be a little better.”

“Aren’t you going to ask me what my name is?” You prompt through your giggles. 

“Oh, uh, what’s your name?” 

You flash a wide smile at him, and bite your bottom lip. “My name is Y/N, but you can call me yours.” 

Olen throws his head back and laughs. A thousand butterflies take flight in your stomach seeing his uninhibited smile. “Okay, that was awful.” 

“Hey!” You protest, despite your laughter. 

“How many guys has that worked on?” He asks you, his eyebrows raised. 

“Oh, none.” You laugh, and take a sip of your water. “I’ve never used it before now.” 

“Really?”

“Really,” you affirm, feeling far too giddy just from meeting a guy at a party. You’re probably still a little sick. 

“So I should feel special?” He asks, leaning towards you. 

You lock eyes and share a grin. “I think so.” 

“So, mine,” he says, and you can’t help the happy smile that drifts across your face at the inflection he puts on the last word. “What do you say we get out of here? I know a great 24/7 diner we could go to. And you look a little wobbly on your feet.” 

“Flu survivor, 2024,” you say with a little salute and a grin. You glance towards the couch where your friend sits, now chatting to a girl you recognise from the Intro to Psych class you took last year. 

Olen follows your gaze to the couch and seemingly mistakes that you’re looking at a guy next to your friend. “I am so sorry, I didn’t realise you came here with someone,” he says, sounding contrite. And maybe a little regretful. 

“No!” You yelp, hurrying to assure him that you are indeed unattached. “Well, yes, I came with someone, but it’s the girl next to the guy, but we’re just friends, we’ve been friends since kindergarten.”

“That’s good, because my thoughts about you are anything but friendly.” You can’t help but notice the steady flush that spreads across his cheeks when he says that. A wave of affection for this guy you just met nearly knocks you off of your feet. Was it really like you to leave a party with a guy you just met? Every instinct in your brain is screaming yes, though, so… “You wanna get out of here? I know someone who knows this great 24/7 diner we could go to,” you tease, pulling out your phone to shoot your friend a quick text letting her know where you’re going. At least if you’re murdered, he seems decent enough to get you on Buzzfeed Unsolved. 

He catches your eye and positively beams at you. “Absolutely.”

#olen zellweger #olen zellweger x reader #anaheim ducks #zelly is precious #and deserves the world

[id-rather-be-an-outsider]

My Ex

summary: Mikaela Reid reflects on a past relationship that damaged her psyche.

word count: 620

a/n: this was a very fun challenge suggested by one of our amazing group members! the song I picked is called Trust, listen here! Without further ado, enjoy!

“not only that, but you fucked with her head // you broke her trust and she wish she was dead”

I trudge through the woods and reflect on the words of a fellow survivor. He’d said, “You don’t trust people, yet you’re so eager to please people and teach.” It was Adam who’d said it. He was right, I suppose. I don’t trust people. But how can I? I can’t even trust myself.

Imposter syndrome practically lives in me. Before I came to the Fog, I told my best friend, Julian, that I felt like a hack. That I wasn’t the storyteller I thought I was. That my interest for all things strange, and the beauty I found in the darkness was just me overcompensating. Even now, with the physical evidence right in front of me, I still can’t trust if teaching the other survivors my methods is me wanting to share just to help, or if somehow, I’m secretly being selfish. How? I don’t know how. But it feels like it.

The self-doubt had started when I was younger, and worsened when I lost my dad, but as time heals all wounds, so too does it heal a broken spirit. Except mine didn’t. Not until I moved in with Julian after a bad breakup. He nursed me back to health. Not physically. Emotionally. My ex was… a scumbag, to say the least. He cheated on me more times than I can count on my own two hands, and even when I had the evidence right there, he could convince me otherwise.

Convince me I was just jealous, that I was crazy, that I was insecure and didn’t want him to leave me because my dad was the only person who loved me and he was gone. The fights were full of him screaming at me, me crying, me begging him to please stop lying to me, that we could work through things if he’d just be honest and work on himself, and he’d tell me that everyone thought I was crazy and I should’ve realized that I was the problem when nobody came to help me. That I must be the one cheating, otherwise why would I be so paranoid about him? And somehow, I always found myself in the guilty position, even when I knew I’d done nothing wrong. I found myself apologizing for being upset with his actions. One day, I couldn’t take it anymore.

I started having… thoughts. Scary thoughts. Not thoughts like the stories I would tell in high school, but… really dark ones. About how easy it would be to disappear. That no one would notice, or even care. It terrified me. But Julian was my light at the end of the tunnel. He sent me a text, and all it said was, “Are u ok? I’m worried abt u. Luv u bestie, please text me back <3” Something told me to call him. So I did, when my ex wasn’t home to hear. He was always jealous of Julian, no matter the fact that me and Julian were like siblings. “Hello? Mik? Is that you?” Julian had said. I broke down in tears, telling him everything, and he said we would come get me.

I miss Julian. Adam reminds me of him, in a way. Nothing physical, they look very different from each other. But the tenderness they use to talk about life lessons and hard truths is the same. I’m not so standoffish as to never speak to anyone, like Najma is. She only has one friend here. But I probably don’t interact with people as much as I should. Nevertheless, I’m glad I can call Adam a friend. He reminds me of home, and I need that here. Even if I can’t trust myself, I can at least trust him.

#outsider writes #dbd fanfic #dbd survivor #mikaela reid #adam francis #OC!Najma Ali #dbd mikaela #dbd adam #dbd oc survivor

[trans-axolotl]

this time last year, it was my seventh week institutionalized and it was one of the hardest weeks to survive. one of my dear friends said later that they saw the light completely go out of my eyes, and i think it was the week i cried the most. i remember desperately wanting to go outside, and feeling so much despair about not being able to experience the last few days of summer outside. i felt violated. it was finally starting to sink in that i was going to spend several more months locked up, and the extent to which my autonomy was taken away.

and then another patient who could go outside brought me back a pinecone, and i nearly started sobbing. that tiny kindness meant everything. even despite all the violence of confinement, we found ways to exist together.

today i walked outside and saw so, so many pinecones. it's been a year, and i survived, and all i can think is how much love i have for fellow psych survivors and how much i wish we were all free.

#personal #psych ward tw #medical abuse tw #psych survivor #surviving psych #psych abolition #antipsych #mad liberation #the friend who gave me the pinecone is instituionalized right now. i love her and i miss her so much #texted her today. going to try to send her a gift package if the facility allows it

[rasclartsworld]

You’ll ruin his life

What about mine

The days I wake in horror

Unable to trust anyone

I used to love hugs

Now I don’t like being touched at

All

Let’s be real

A rape accusations

Does not ruin anyone fucking life

It only ruins the person who told the truth

It ruins the victims life

The survivor

Even with fuxkin

Vidéo évidence

The public becomes

Private investigators

They know you are lying

The way you

Dressed

Your voice tremor

In court

You would rather discredit

The victim

Then face the reality

Predators are everywhere

But that’s your

Friend

Or

Fave

They would never

But they did

You just don’t fuxkin

Care

No one cares about

Rape victims

That’s what it feels

Like

If they are a floored

Survivor

A human being

They have to be perfect

Cry on command

But not to much

Because you’ll look like

A liar

It’s fuxkin likability

Contest

It’s not about law

It’s not about truth

People just don’t fuxkin

Care

I don’t think I’ll ever be in relationship again

Casual or serious

I don’t trust people to not violate me

Violate my body

Why would I

I was molested from i was

3

When I first started to form

Memories

My earliest memory of intimacy

Is my tiny body being

Violated

Repeatedly

Till I was

13

10 fuxkin years

But it was another girl who was

4 years older then me

So when I said

It

After years of bottle it up

I told my mother

When I was 14

She treated

Like it wasn’t serious

It made me question

Everything

Did it hurt?

Yes

It fuxkin hurt

Then it happened again

My first boyfriend

Raped me

He took of the condom

Fucked me in my sleep

And forced me to give him head

Verbally abused me

Emotional abuse

Financial abuse

And you know what was so sick after

He would apologise

And say I know what I did was wrong

And start crying about how hard his life was

What the fuck

I would comfort him

After he violently abused me

That’s what I was trained to do

To blame myself

That I am so irresistible

So that had to just take it

From me

That had to

Then it happened again

The second person

I wanted them to be my

Lover

So desperately to heal me

I told them everything

Everything

And they held me

I sank into their arms

Then they did the same thing

To me

While I was passed out I woke up to him

Fuxkin me

And saying

I looked like I wanted it in

My sleep

After he cuddle up to me

And said he was glad he was my second

After I had told him everything

How I was violated in my sleep

After I had told them how much that hurt me

After everything

He did it

He did it

But I guess it’s my fault

I gave him the dagger in which to stab

I made myself vulnerable

I told him how to hurt me

So he did

Because he knew

No one was listening

So he made me feel heard

Then stabbed me and watched the blood trickle

That among other things

Led to my psychosis

Literally 3 days after he had raped me

I was put into psych ward

For 3 weeks

I have not been back since

I don’t ever wanna go back

Soo who’s life would you say was ruined

Mine or theirs

They stroll around as if nothing happened

And I remember it

It lives in me

Every fuxkin relationship

I have

I feel the past’s hands on me

After the last one

I just shut down

Because what is the point

Of letting one in

When they will destroy

You

And walk out like nothing fuxkin happened

#rant

[whumptober]

Whumptober 2020 - Updated

Welcome to Whumptober 2020! We’re doing things a little differently this year so please make sure to read the Event Info carefully. We are also excited to announce the addition of an AO3 Collection, which can be found here.

We hope you’re as excited as us to watch the Whump Community come together once again for a month of bone-crunching creativity and collaboration!

(All 31 Themes + Prompts, Event Information, and FAQs are posted below the cut!)

No 1. LET'S HANG OUT SOMETIME Waking Up Restrained | Shackled | Hanging

No 2. IN THE HANDS OF THE ENEMY  "Pick Who Dies" | Collars | Kidnapped

No 3. MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY Manhandled | Forced to their Knees | Held at Gunpoint

No 4. RUNNING OUT OF TIME Caged | Buried Alive | Collapsed Building

No 5. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? On the Run | Failed Escape | Rescue

No 6. PLEASE.... "Get it Out" | No More | "Stop, please"

No 7. I'VE GOT YOU Support | Carrying | Enemy to Caretaker

No 8. WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO? "Don't Say Goodbye" | Abandoned | Isolation

No 9. FOR THE GREATER GOOD "Take Me Instead" | "Run!” | Ritual Sacrifice

No 10. THEY LOOK SO PRETTY WHEN THEY BLEED Blood Loss | Internal Bleeding | Trail of Blood

No 11. PSYCH 101 Defiance | Struggling | Crying

No 12. I THINK I'VE BROKEN SOMETHING Broken Down | Broken Bones | Broken Trust

No 13. BREATHE IN BREATHE OUT Delayed Drowning | Chemical Pneumonia | Oxygen Mask

No 14. IS SOMETHING BURNING? Branding | Heat Exhaustion | Fire

No 15. INTO THE UNKNOWN Possession | Magical Healing | Science Gone Wrong

No 16. A TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD DAY Forced to Beg | Hallucinations | Shoot the Hostage

No 17. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING Blackmail | Dirty Secret | Wrongfully Accused

No 18. PANIC! AT THE DISCO Panic Attacks | Phobias | Paranoia

No 19. BROKEN HEARTS Grief | Mourning Loved One | Survivor's Guilt

No 20. TOTO, I HAVE A FEELING WE'RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE Lost | Field Medicine | Medieval

No 21. I DON'T FEEL SO WELL Chronic Pain | Hypothermia | Infection

No 22. DO THESE TACOS TASTE FUNNY TO YOU? Poisoned | Drugged | Withdrawal

No 23. WHAT’S A WHUMPEE GOTTA DO TO GET SOME SLEEP AROUND HERE? Exhaustion | Narcolepsy | Sleep Deprivation

No 24. YOU’RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE Forced Mutism | Blindfolded | Sensory Deprivation

No 25. I THINK I’LL JUST COLLAPSE RIGHT HERE, THANKS Disorientation | Blurred Vision | Ringing Ears

No 26. IF YOU THOUGHT THE HEAD TRAUMA WAS BAD... Migraine | Concussion | Blindness

No 27. OK, WHO HAD NATURAL DISASTERS ON THEIR 2020 BINGO CARD? Earthquake | Extreme Weather | Power Outage

No 28. SUCH WOW. MANY NORMAL. VERY OOPS. Accidents | Hunting Season | Mugged

No 29. I THINK I NEED A DOCTOR Intubation | Emergency Room | Reluctant Bedrest

No 30. NOW WHERE DID THAT COME FROM? Wound Reveal | Ignoring an Injury | Internal Organ Injury

No 31. TODAY’S SPECIAL: TORTURE Experiment | Whipped | Left for Dead

Alternate Prompt List

Alt 1. Punctured

Alt 2. Falling

Alt 3. Comfort

Alt 4. Stitches

Alt 5. Stoic Whumpees

Alt 6. Altered States

Alt 7. Found Family

Alt 8. Adverse Reactions

Alt 9. Memory Loss

Alt 10. Nightmares

Alt 11. Presumed Dead

Alt. 12. Water

Alt. 13 Accidents

Alt. 14 Shot

Alt. 15 Carry/Support

Event Info

WHUMPTOBER is a month-long, prompt-based creation challenge (think: Inktober, but whumpier). There are 31 Official themes this year - one for each day of the month - which can be used, skipped, or combined in any way you’d like. They are meant to serve as inspiration without being taken literally (e.g. you don't have to include the exact wording into your work). Additionally, there are 3 prompts for each theme.  These are optional suggestions and can be used in conjunction with the theme, or as options/alternatives.  We want to give everyone as much creative freedom as possible, as well as increase event accessibility for folks with triggers and squicks.

Creators can PRODUCE work in any media they choose, including but not limited to: writing, visual artwork, and photo/video/audio edits. Creators can PARTICIPATE as much or as little as they want (i.e. you don’t have to do ALL the prompts if you don’t want to) and prompts can be used in any order. They are also free to use even after the event ends.

When uploading Whumptober content to your blog, be sure to tag the with:

#whumptober2020 …..(the event tag)

#no.1, #no.2, #no.3, …..(theme number)

#bruised, #stabbed,  …..(the theme or specific prompt you chose)

#fandom or #OC

#medium …..(gifs, fic, podcast, art, etc.)

#teeth, #etc …..(trigger warnings & any additional tags. Keep in mind not to add “tw” in front but only use the word/trigger itself, because tumblr sucks)

#nsfw, #nsfwhump …..(only for nsfw content)

PLEASE BE DILIGENT WITH YOUR TAGGING. Only properly tagged posts are considered for archiving on the official @whumptober2020​ blog. They must be tagged in the order above.

Unfortunately, due to the sheer number of participants in recent years, we cannot guarantee your work will be archived. A random selection of properly tagged posts from all genres will be reblogged each day.

Whumpers who produce content for 31 total theme days are considered event completionists and will be tagged in a masterpost at the end of the month.

Questions not addressed below can be directed to this blog as well.

Thanks for reading, and happy whumping!

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. What kind of content can I make? Can it be NSFW?

This is a MIXED MEDIA event! You can write fic, post meta, doodle or paint, create a gif set or photo edit, link a song, or get crafty with video - anything goes. As for NSFW, make what you like, we just hope that you’ll tag your work accordingly so that others participating in the event can stay safe :)

Q. Do I have to do all 31 Days? Can I post early/late?

Participate as much or little as you like, and post whenever! Just be sure to tag your posts properly (ex. #no.11, #psych101). Combining prompts into one piece of work is okay, and posting late is as well so as long as it’s in October.

Q. What if I don’t understand a theme?

Send us an ask! We’re happy to help clarify. That said, the themes are entirely up for interpretation :)

Q. Can I combine Whumptober with other creation challenges?

Absolutely! That’s like shooting two whumpees with one bullet :)

Q. Can I upload/repost my whumptober content to other social media platforms?

Of course! We’ve created an AO3 Collection to archive any fics posted there. The archive can be accessed here. The blog is the official archive, so please respect the boundaries of any closeted whumpers in your social circle :)

Q. Can I use prompts to write a new chapter for an existing fic?

Yes

Q. An existing fic I am currently writing contains many of the Whumptober prompts, can I use it?

If you are actively writing this fic at the moment with the whumptober prompts in mind, yes. If it just conveniently checks the boxes, then please don’t. You can, however, add new chapters answering one or more of the prompts.

Q. What kind of characters can I write for?

Fandom characters, OC characters, human, furry, alien, cyborg, whoever you like.

Q. Can I use a prompt multiple times?

Yes,  but it only counts once

Q. If I’m not comfortable with one day's prompts can I use a prompt of a different day as a substitute and still be a completionist?

Yes, but please do not use a specific prompt twice. We have also created an alternate prompts list that you can draw from [here].

Q. Where can I post my work?

Post where and how you want. You don’t even have to (cross)post it to Tumblr. Just keep in mind if it’s not on Tumblr we will not be able to add it to the blog archive.

Q. Can I start posting early?

You can, but this is an October event and wouldn’t it be more fun with everyone doing it at the same time? That being said, you can post early, but we won’t be reblogging any work predating October 1st.

Q. Do I have to finish a fic I started/can I post WIP’s.?

Yes you can post WIPs. And you’re not obligated to finish it in October for it to count towards being a completionist.  

Q. Is co-writing allowed?

Yes, absolutely, and it would count towards being a completionist for both/all of you :)

Q. Do I have to create 31 standalone pieces to be considered a completionist or can I write one continuous story?

One continuous story is fine.  The challenge is to write something for 31 prompts. If that’s spread over 31 fics or just one, you are still considered a completionist. (The same goes for every other media you choose.)

Q. Is there a min/max limit on word count?

There is no limit

Q. Can I combine prompts? Is there a limit on how many?

No limit and combine as many as you’d like.

Q. Is a hc/angst focus ok?

Of course!

Q. What’s considered nsfw?

See this post

Q. What's whump?

See this post

Q. My interpretation of the prompt isn't whumpy at all, does that count?

No, sorry, but keep in mind that whump [see definition] is something very nuanced and different for everyone and emotional whump/angst is just as much part of it, as is physical whump and torture. So before you dismiss your idea, think about this.

Q. Can I start working on the prompts before October?

Absolutely! That’s why we posted the prompts a month in advance. We recognise how difficult it can be creating for 31 days in “real time”.

Q. How do I tag triggers?

tw at the end of the word, ex. emeto tw

Q. Do I have to use your tags?

Yes, if you want your work archived on the blog. If not, feel free to use whatever tags you want.  

Q. Does combining prompts count towards completion?

Yes

Q. Can we @ you?

Yes but we mostly rely on the whumptober2020 tag

Q. Is there anything we are absolutely not allowed to write?

There are no rules, just be sure to properly tag your trigger warnings. And keep in mind Tumblr’s policies if you are posting it here (or the policies of whatever site you use).

Q. Where can I go for brainstorming help?

Here on Discord

Q. My characters are minors, is that ok?

Yes, but as with everything else, tags are your best friend.

Q. Can I cross post on other blogs?

Yes, multiple platforms and blogs are perfectly acceptable. You can also post different works to different accounts under different names, without posting them everywhere at once.

Note: This is a creation challenge, please don’t repost your old work under our tags (unless it’s been changed or edited for the event).

#eventinfo2020 #whumptober2020 #whumptober #promptlist2020 #prompt list #FAQs #event info

[redrobin-detective]

What meta abilities would you give to each of the batfam?

I'm always changing my mind lol

Alfred- Immortal, Alfie is definitely immortal and has been around for ages just doing his thing. Working for Thomas and Martha was a temporary thing to humble himself after centuries of being an arrogant warrior but now finds he likes serving his Master/son and their crazy brigade. Also taught B like so much stuff and is a great resource on history and battles. One reason B is so chill with metas and eventually adopts a bunch.

Dick- Telekinesis, he's always this in my mind. I think I read a fic of it and it just stuck in my head. I especially like the idea that his folks weren't metas and he just kind of appeared with this ability by chance. He'd have this whole arc of disliking his powers on and off maybe because he DID fall with his parents but instinctively caught himself midair on part of the broken trapeze. The survivors guilt and not feeling like a "true" Flying Grayson (like he's cheating) haunts him. This was one reason B trained him in human martial arts to kind of ground him.

Babs- Enhanced reflexes/strength, not something to do with technology you ask? NO! Barbs journey is about finding herself and where she fits in. She was a natural athlete d/t enhanced strength and reflexes, not crazy superhuman but enough to give her an edge over normal people when she became Batgirl. Losing the use of her legs devastated her but she moved past that to become the all seeing Oracle. She still can kick your ass from her chair even as she frames you for tax fraud.

Jason- Pyrokinesis, I also usually stick with this for Jay, probably leftover from the ATLA Au me and a friend kicked around for a while but it just fits. Young Jay was so gentle with his fires, lighting candles, warming Alfred's lukewarm tea that when he becomes Hood he just lets loose with these infernos to try and burn away his whole life. The first Bat who is outed as a meta and the rest of the Gotham community is watching Hood commit mass arson like "Bats how did you keep a lid on this kid" not knowing how Robin Jay used to be. Jay lords using his powers in public in his siblings' faces.

Tim- Death Communication, able to speak to the dead for certain periods (how long a person stays after death always depends). Got involved with B bc Jason's ghost came to him begging him to help his father. Tim got scared when Jason suddenly moved on midway through Robin training not realizing he'd been resurrected. Hood hates Tim for knowing what Jay used to be like. Whispers to murder victims and helps solve their cases. Thinks he can handle death fine but is both relieved and devastated when his dead loved ones move on quicker than he's ready.

Cass- Empath and low level psych, Cass's ability to read people comes not just from body language but also picking up on their emotions and some surface level thoughts if she works at it. Also able to project emotions or her thoughts into others minds. Its why she never learned to speak normally, she just communicated with her mind. Always attuned to her families emotional needs, she likes to go around projecting love and safety onto them. Its nice but sometimes Cass forgets things like Boundaries.

Steph- Precognitive Abilities, Steph gets flashes of the future at random, sometimes barely understandable snippets, sometimes long drawn out episode that last minutes and look (from the outside) like a seizure. Its how she got in the vigilante game, foreseeing not only her father's crimes but also her friendship with the fam. She drives B crazy by knowing some future events but not with any accuracy and just kind of making stuff up as she goes.

Damian- Invulnerable, well not quite but Damian is very, very hard to kill and ages slower than most humans as a result of growing up around the Pits. He's not quite invulnerable but it is harder to break skin and he heals much faster than a human. Was at first dismissive of his human father but now sees the value of his mortality. Is probably gonna be '10' for a while and the thought scares him. B is throwing crazy amounts of money to try and let Damian age as normal, even if it means cancelling out his abilities.

Duke- Light powers, nuff said

#batkids meta au #bruce is very tired #Dick is floating cereal and fixins through the kitchen #Tim is sleep deprived and is he arguing with his dead father again or just hallucinating? who knows #Cass is projecting a kpop song into everyones heads to brighten the mood #stephanie has burst in wearing pjs saying killer croc is going to flood the sewers tomorrow... or possible next year #Jason decided the toaster wasn't working fast enough and is immolating his bagel with his hands #Bruce just wants coffee and some sleep

[etheriadearie]

Hello! Absolutely love your analyses! I'd spend breaks during work reading through a piece and I appreciate all the evidence (data as Entrapta would state) you use. I see many people boil Catradora down to being abusive (aimed at Catra) and it's just so hard to argue since there's so much depth to their relationship. What are your thoughts? How would you respond to someone stating so?

:: ... Reflections on the emotional healthiness of Catradora, on Adora's arc, and on SPOP as a morally complex story-

Hi, and thank you so much for this question, I know that some SPOP fans have this kind of reaction, and while I get why they feel bad, I strongly believe such a reaction was not the intended outcome. Which is my first point:

To anyone who feels this way, Hey!!! Noelle wouldn't hurt us like that, and even though we see hurtful behaviors shown in SPOP, this isn't part of suggesting that we forgive our abusers- Noelle wouldn't do that!!

SPOP is unique in that it explores trauma as seriously as it does… this show is so many different things: it's beautiful, it's fun, it's kid friendly, and it's really meaningful. I really, really believe that both Catra and Adora’s stories are meant to be a comfort to people who grew up in situations like theirs… (I, for one, find Catra’s story very comforting).

My second point is that Adora is as much a product of hurtful abuse as Catra is, and this includes that she has some very hurtful behaviors towards Catra, especially as we see the two of them together starting well before her defection. For example-

We all know Adora is a sweetheart, and for her to even behave in hurtful ways is so against her own best nature that it's a sign that she's not really being herself. It's also very wrong in terms of her ability to be She-ra, as Etheria chose her for her ability to love- she is deep down an incredibly loving and generous person, and love is her power. Yet, when we see her with Catra in ep1, she's acting hurtful instead. This- is where their relationship becomes so complex- because Catra really isn't being hurtful, and Adora has a history...

...And, this is a much bigger problem than just her relationship with Catra, because Adora is also hurtful towards everyone in her past life, she vilifies them and fights them- never once does she make an honest attempt to help her former friends- Adora simply makes an assumption that fighting them is a necessary hurt of her 'destiny'.

Yet... this 'destiny' is a lie, and we cannot ignore how Adora's arc from s1-4 ends with her barely avoiding destroying all of Etheria... furthermore, with Horde Prime finding them all as a consequence. Despite Adora's attempts at being a hero through s1-4, it ends with her having betrayed all of her former friends for a 'destiny' which was evil all along- Light Hope never meant to make her a hero, only to use her and the rest of the princesses as a weapon. This is because Adora had followed her 'duty' and therefore failed to be her greatest good as a hero of love.

Her decision of duty and all that goes wrong results because of how Adora believes in duty before all else, including and especially love. This false belief system, where she simply fights rather than looks to help her former friends, and acts hurtfully to enact this false 'destiny', is because of how Adora was hurt by her abuser. And it makes her actions wrong- she isn't valuing love, and, she is being controlled by others, some which are evil, some which are unfair- through her false belief in duty.

This concept of duty, which is so wrong, is what Adora's entire struggles are about- this includes her hero's arc. Her perceived need to serve a false 'duty' is the reason she justifies her hurtful behavior and neglects to help her former friends, it's the reason her s1-4 arc ends in disaster with her destiny being revealed to have been false, (and that she's been manipulated for evil), and, it's the reason she's so hurtful to Catra- betraying all of their love, while failing to make any true effort to understand Catra's feelings

We might not like Catra's reaction, or how terribly wrong the war is (... one which began before either of them was even born-), but Adora wrongly believes in putting her duty so far ahead of all else that she's failing to look deeper. Adora does break promises, and she does hurt people- she hurts everyone in her old life, not just Catra, with her hurtful and blind prioritization of duty ahead of love and all else- her belief makes her vulnerable to further manipulations. Her entire concept of duty before love makes her miss how she's hurting them, and, how she's wrong to do this... ... it results in so much pain. (-in fact, Adora ends up hurting EVERYONE with her stubborn belief in enacting a false destiny, as we'll discuss.) .

So, for the purposes of this question, we need to look at Adora's behavior, and how she's wrong to be so hurtful. Catra ends up very much more wrong- that's well documented- and which we all know- but, Adora is She-ra, Catra is not, and all of Adora's actions matter so much because she is at the center of all that happens as She-ra. And, she's got to learn to value love, going against the hurtful beliefs of 'duty' that her abuser ingrained into her psyche to control her. Even though Adora is trying to do her best, she falls short of what that actually is, and it's all because of her false belief that duty must define her. She is a hero of love, not a hero of duty or destiny- because destiny cannot power her, nor guide her. Love is what must guide Adora, because love is her real power... and as a hero of love, she cannot "leave anyone behind" who needed her help...

Through s1-4, by acting hurtful, Adora is essentially creating a false equivalency by equating evil upon all of her former friends, in a hurtful way which all but ensures further division and misunderstanding. She-ra is supposed to be a uniter, a healer- yet Adora is making no effort to do so. Adora is such a extensive product of abuse that she doesn't even see that she's doing so, and she has to wake up to this in order to become a hero of love...

:readmore:

Also, in part: their division happens because when Adora leaves Catra and everyone else in her former life behind she does so having not once fought for them (see Lonnie in the portal reality, below) - very much like how she didn't fight for her and Catra's love against their abuser. As She-ra, Adora needs to be strong enough to fight for ALL of them, rebellion and the vulnerable people in the horde who are trapped in its abusive system alike- yet, Adora doesn't do so- instead she takes a simplified view of morality, and through it, justifies abandoning her and Catra's love and fighting against instead of helping everyone in her old life. That Adora doesn't try to do better is already hurtful on its own. Adora's choice of such a hurtful path happens out of multiple complex factors, some deal with her history as a abuse survivor- but in reality, it's mostly because everyone else around Adora also is not being their best, either... ...more later

As for Catra- her choices, while very very bad, come out a reaction to Adora's history of hurtful behaviors- her inability to trust Adora is a trauma reaction, just like Adora's, yet, that reaction comes in response to Adora's continued hurtful behaviors: Catra is trying to be apart from someone who has constantly hurt her by naively following duty while showing no effort to understand how she's hurtful or to fight for their love. Adora did this within the horde by playing favorite to Shadow Weaver, and Catra feels that Adora must be misguided, just like she was before, for leaving her- instead fighting against her so willingly and vilifying her... lumping her in with their abuser as evil.

Catra was constantly abused, and watched on as Adora played favorite to that abuser while ignoring how Catra was treated. So, Adora was betraying Catra all along, and had no awareness of it- it shows that Adora has a blind spot- something which she struggles with throughout her hero's arc: such as Light Hope using her for evil. Catra felt as though she had already lost the friend she thought she had years ago, and then Adora's continued hurtful behavior following her defection, while making no effort to save their love, is what causes Catra to feel she must part ways with Adora. By Catra's reasoning, Adora must not really love her- why else would Adora be so ready to hurt her, when she made a promise to love her? Catra doesn't think Adora is actually being a 'good' person by leaving like she does- and Adora's hurtful divisive actions confirm Catra is right- by choosing divisiveness and a false destiny while devaluing their love, Adora is indeed falling short of being the hero of love which Etheria chose her to be...

So, we can see Catra's distrust and Adora's being used by Light Hope as parallel, because Catra is right that Adora is letting people manipulate her, just like she did within the horde- even if Catra is only basing this belief off of her gut feelings in s1. Adora ends up betraying her promises, and being used as a weapon by Light Hope, (and the rebellion, too) for the same reason: her belief in duty which blinds her to all else.

:: 🛑 There's also the matter of whether Adora and Catra are 'in a relationship' during the war. That's dubious- morality of the war aside, Adora divides their friendship for it, not Catra- so they aren't together anymore... And, as we'll discuss, Adora is coming up short of making the best decision by doing so. But, in regards to our question: what happens during the war between Catra and Adora should be considered separately, as apart from this time in their history, Catra was quite loving with Adora: both before, and then after, the war... and so it's important to not falsely equivalate Catra actions in this way- they are not 'together' (...again, morality of the war aside..) ....more later

We'll come back to Catra's motivations later, but here's the quick reference for the meantime- Catra doesn't do what she does out of wanting to hurt Adora, her love confession in s5 precludes that. And she also doesn't do it out of any great allegiance to the Horde- it's just all she knows, and she stays there because she's trying to live free of Adora- who is a constantly inadvertently hurtful person, as Adora had actually been betraying their love for many years. But: most importantly, Catra does what she does as part of her fight against their real abuser, whom Catra sees as the real evil in their lives. This starts as Catra taking down Shadow Weaver herself, and stays true within the meaning of her other actions through the rest of her arc as well. ...more later

All in all, this is part of how Noelle gave us a morally complex story with SPOP- it's not black and white like most stories we've seen (such as ATLA). The war, while terrible, has multiple sides to it, and with it moral grayness: The horde is wrong, yet isn't really made up of evil people. The rebellion is right to defend Etheria, but has a corrupted view of the horde where they summarily judge all horde as evil. That's an amoral belief, as we'll discuss, and it plays into Adora’s confusion over who she really must be, because their hurtful views block Adora's ability to be the hero of love she's meant to be.

... And, of course- the princesses are part of an evil super weapon, as naive enablers of a generational trauma so dark that it threatens them all... ...more later

Finally, the MAJOR PSA REGARDING ABUSIVENESS.. (and therefore this question)

Since we wish to discuss abusive relationships, we must recognize that there is indeed such a relationship at the forefront of SPOP, but it's not Catradora.

All of their bad behaviors- Catra’s isolationism and hurtfulness for self protection, and Adora’s hurtfulness in the name of false duty and vulnerability to naively trusting in false ideals set out for her by others, is because of how Shadow Weaver hurt them.

SPOP as a series is all about believing in love, (even in other character arcs aside from Catradora-) and it really is about both of their struggles with how their abuser hurt them, which they have to get past to embrace love. Their story is one about the how and why we ourselves sometimes struggle to accept love- many people struggle due to having been hurt like they were- and through them, Noelle tells us a story of our own lives. 💢(minor trauma warn to readers, altho, I promise nothing too dark in this post). It's the real truth of Catra and Adora’s arcs: that they both act out hurtfully due to how their abuser has hurt them, and as such, they both contribute to their division, not just Catra. And, they both go through long arcs of self realization and healing to be better from how they've been hurt, to be their best selves and so they can be together again.

This journey of self realization is what allows Adora to start being a real hero in s5, and accepting Adora's flaws in her actions before then is an important part of understanding her arc, because, as She-ra, everything Adora does matters- no matter how unfair what's done to her is, she's got to be her best, and she has to trust in love in order to win in the end...

That concludes the "short" explanation, but, since abusiveness is such an important issue, we'll cover some specifics it in greater detail. This- is Adora's hero's arc- her and Catra's love IS her hero's journey, because she's not trusting in love in how she acts through s1-4.

So, apologies for how long this will be, but we'll be covering the following subjects as part of this discussion-

1- how and why Adora improperly continues hurtful behavior that started within the horde after she finds the sword, which Catra reacts to, and how Catra wasn't hurtful before then,

2- how Adora could have used She-ra as a liberator to help her former friends, and how the rebellion also being corrupt is why she misses seeing it,

3- Adora's self realization of her truth of love, and how it allows her to step past false destiny and manipulations,

4- how Adora was being a false hero during seasons 1-4 as told through Horde Prime forcing her to fight chipped Catra to save her during Save the Cat,

5- Catra’s wrongness and why she believes she's totally alone against her abusers evils,

6- how the love we see in s5 was always the truth.

Back to the topic of Adora’s hurtfulness, as we see it in ep1, that goes so deeply against her better, loving nature... (part 1)

From the moment we see Adora and Catra together in ep1, it's obvious that their relationship has already become very unhealthy-

This is almost entirely unhealthy on Adora’s side, not Catra’s, as every time Adora speaks to Catra, she does so with a tone- she's rude to her, she's hypercritical of Catra's actions, she's incredibly judgemental, and she acts as if superior to her.

Yet, Adora had become the puppet of their abuser- Shadow Weaver, making the mistake of trying to fulfill the false expectation of being perfect as she was told to do. And in doing so, her naive trust in fulfilling that duty made her an unintentional enabler of her own abuse, as well as Catra's.

So, all of Adora's judgments out of supposed superiority come out as false: she's devoted to a woman who means only to destroy them, it shows that she really didn't know what was going on with Shadow Weaver's abuse.

In contrast, when we look at Catra’s behavior, it's clear she thinks Shadow Weaver is evil. And, in terms of how she interacts with Adora, it's obvious that Catra is actually still being a very loving and supportive friend to Adora- we only see any of her negativity emerge in response to Adora’s own hurtfulness. As things stand in ep1, Catra isn't abusive, if anything, it's the opposite (although I wouldn't use that term).

So, we can start to see that Adora has an entire history of deeply hurtful behaviors towards Catra- starting well before the moment Catra refuses to follow her, or before her decision to forsake their love go to war against her following “Promise”. There was no good reason for Adora’s hurtfulness- it was done in respect to a false duty made for her by their abuser.

This false belief of superiority is another way in which we can see that Adora was failing to see the true evil that was happening as she was playing the favorite- she blindly believed that being good, as measured by an ideal set out for her by their abuser, was her only way of solving her problems.

Yet, Adora always had a choice- her assumption shows a failure of reasoning, because fulfilling that duty as she was told to never would have resulted in anyone being safe- much like her trying to fulfill Light Hope's ‘destiny’. Shadow Weaver only made Adora think that as part of her plan to use and then destroy her.

Likewise, Adora always had a choice to intrinsically value her and Catra’s love over the corrupt duty forced on her by Shadow Weaver- she could have kept the faith in their love, with Catra. Instead, Adora became hurtful towards Catra...

Adora was a bad friend- and her being as such in the name of false duties is the same reason she ends up being used as part of Light Hope’s corrupt 'destiny'. Also, being a bad friend is a canon part of Adora's hero’s struggle, (spoiler warn, LotFP) as being a bad friend can also be seen in how Adora acts towards Glimmer in s4: (as Bow says in s4ep8: "...it's hard being friends sometimes... So why am I the only one who's willing to work at it?". (In LotFP, Scorpia outright calls Adora a bad friend, and rightly so..)

In regards to Adora’s failure in choice- she and Catra weren't children anymore, and standing up to Shadow Weaver was always a possibility. She could have refused to play along in a system where Catra was made to suffer while she was given praise. And, the real kicker is: judging by how easily Catra takes down Shadow Weaver without Adora’s help, it wouldn't have even been that hard.

This shows Adora really was guilty of blind devotion to Shadow Weaver, because Catra had been prepared to step free of that abuse, probably for years. So, when Adora leaves Catra, devaluing their love and instead vilifying and falsely accusing Catra of being evil like Shadow Weaver (which is an immensely hurtful thing to do after the years of torture Catra suffered), Catra decides to step free of her abusers control, while also stepping free of Adora’s continued hurtfulness.

So, we see that Adora has a dangerous level of blindness to the deeper evils that people mean to use her for, which we can see in other places throughout her arc, such as with Light Hope’s plans for her. She can't even see how she's been corrupted.

Catra, in contrast, shows us she knew all along about their abusers' true evil: she shows her awareness by her little rebellions against a corrupt system where she was constantly being hurt. Catra refused to stay weak, and prepared to protect herself from her abuser all along. Yet, all Adora ever did was act out towards Catra for refusing to conform like she did...

Let's jump forward to when Adora finds the sword, and we can apply Adora’s naive belief in enacting duty, while being hurtful in the name of it, to that decision as well:

Adora accepts the sword, and her new ‘destiny’, with blindness and devotion- believing it to be her ‘destiny’, she willingly accepts that it comes at the price of hurting Catra as well as everyone in her old life as part of fulfilling it.

This ‘destiny’, or duty, is actually nothing but a lie made to confuse Adora by Light Hope and the First Ones- it's just a manipulation to use Adora for their evil. Believing in her 'destiny', Adora then makes no real effort to understand the darker truth behind what is really being asked of her, instead trusting in that 'destiny' and betraying everyone in her old life with her hurtfulness, instead of helping them, in service to this ‘destiny’. (...more later)

Adora in effect swaps Shadow Weaver for Light Hope, (the rebellion also uses Adora as a weapon in a hurtful way, which we'll discuss), and in doing so Adora acts hurtful to someone she loves, she agrees to hurt and therefore fail a whole group of people who deserve better from her. Adora has no right to vilify them like she does, after all, she was one of them herself. Also, her vilification shows no concept of her own hurtfulness and previous role as an enabler in that system.

Sure, Adora could complain that it wasn't her fault because she was being unfairly manipulated, yet Adora continually shows that she is vulnerable to those very same manipulations, again and again, throughout s1-4. It's all to do with her false assumption of fulfilling duty at any cost.

... and it brings Adora’s entire supposed ‘moral awakening’ into question, because while she's right to stick up for the citizens of Thaymore, her entire hurtful and superior attitude towards Catra while she does it is false: it's just like how Adora was hurtful towards Catra as part of playing her role as the favorite of their abuser within the horde. She was blind to the real evil that was occurring.

She therefore has no business being so hurtful towards Catra throughout s1, even IF she didn't know about the continued tortuous abuse Catra suffered because of her. All that Adora’s supposed righteousness over her ‘destiny’ actually shows is that she’s blind to what is really happening- in the past, and then again when Light Hope uses her for evil.

Also, fun fact: Adora’s supposed 'holier than thou' newfound morality isn't even her own: we know she's vulnerable to accepting others' expectations- in this case she's accepting Glimmer’s hardline view that all people in the horde must be evil. Adora takes this closed minded viewpoint and uses it as she tries to enact her false destiny all the way through s1-4, never once making an effort to help her former friends.

All in all, Adora falls short of being a real hero by doing this. And, Adora really does take things too far in her stubborn pursuit of her destiny (LotFP spoiler warn). She's so willing to hurt Catra, and all of her former friends, and is so far removed from the hero of love we see in s5 by doing so. Catra is right that Adora isn't the friend she used to have- Shadow Weaver's abuse changed Adora into something hurtful instead. (In LotFP, Adora strait up attempts to terminate Catra’s life; ...in contrast, Catra only ever tries to capture Adora...)

Catra, meanwhile, has no reason to trust Adora when she tells her she's defecting because of Adora's past history as an enabler of her (their) abuse. If Adora could hurt her, while being devoted to her abuser, what reason does Adora give Catra to think that anything will be different with her sudden new devotion to the rebellion? The answer is none, and as Catra had to look out for herself to protect herself from abuse, she won't trust Adora. Meanwhile, Adora can't even make an effort to understand Catra's feelings of being hurt by her actions...

Also- at least Catra had a plan- which we know by how she takes down Shadow Weaver to be free of her continued abuse. Nor, also, does Catra just want to leave everyone in her old life, accepting the rebellions belief that people like her are only worthy of being vilified and condemned by the princesses- Adora's self righteous judgements just makes Catra think that Adora is being hurtful and naive. Adora, meanwhile, had no plan- and even after her 'destiny' is revealed, she's still playing into the hands of her abusers while trying to fulfill her 'destiny'. It doesn't matter if Adora doesn't mean to, she's still got to be better than letting corrupt people use her for evil. She needs to learn to not be so naive.

The best theory for the hurtful way Adora behaves- by being so hurtful while ignoring the deeper truths- is that Adora has a deeply engrained hurtful world-view due to how she was hurt by Shadow Weaver, towards her abusers purpose of using and sacrificing Adora. Because of how Adora was treated, she believes that duty always comes at a cost, and that it will be painful- it's a corrupted, painful way of seeing the world where she just assumes pain comes as part of her reality of being charged with duty.

This is false, it's just what her abusers (Light Hope, too) want her to believe, and waking up to how this corrupt concept of duty is used against her by her abusers is something that must happen for Adora to be able to move past it, so that she can start being a hero of love like she's meant to be. She cannot let naive concepts manipulate her into being hurtful, and cloud her from seeing her path of love. Adora in s1 sees none of this- she only sees her concept of duty which is wrong- she does get wiser throughout s1-4 which sets up for her heroic reveal in s5, when we her true She-ra form.

So, Adora's fighting Catra and all of her former friends, instead of looking to help or understand them, is a presumption that it is a necessary cost of her duty. Upholding her 'duty' was always painful for Adora, and so she thinks hurting her former friends is 'just how it has to be', because Shadow Weaver conditioned her to expect that duty would always feel painful. Her hurtful world view assumes evil on them all, while making no attempt to do better. That's not heroic- Adora is accepting enacting a lesser evil as part of 'duty', just like when Catra was allowed to suffer within the horde while she was given promotion. A real hero faces evil at it's source, by simply vilifying her former friends and breaking her promise to Catra, Adora is being no hero of love...

Which brings us to our next topic: why Adora fails everyone in her old life, and how she could have done better to help the people trapped within the horde’s abusive system. (Part 2)

Adora’s hurtful vilification of everyone in her old life, while never finding a way to help them, really is a failure to all of them. In particular, we can see how much Lonnie feels this way, much like Catra does-

Not finding any way to help them was always a failure of Adora as a hero, something which happens because of her trauma belief of 'duty' before all else, and how her new allies in the rebellion wrongly influence her to believe that all horde are evil. Their corrupted, hurtful views makes Adora miss an obvious possibility:

Adora could have used She-ra as a liberator, rather than as a conqueror.

I realize that may sound like hyperbole, but, there's plenty of evidence of how Adora fails her former friends, and even more about how the rebellion fails the people of the horde. ->see the following pics-

So, we need to talk about why Adora never tries to help her former friends, in order to open a path to freedom like she was offered because she was She-ra.

Even though the rebellion may have the moral high ground in this story, they still fall short of being their best with their derogatory views of the horde- it further divides themselves from what are essentially fellow native Etherians, it surrenders all further thought to what is essentially hate. One result of their flawed views is how we see its Glimmer that activates the super weapon: as she says “we’re the good guys, remember?”. Are they really being their best, though?

Glimmer and Angella have pain from the war, which gives them a corrupted view of the Horde where they summarily judge all Horde to be evil out of their pain. These are derogatory views which are based on their own personal feelings of injury, which leads to their views, as leaders, crossing over from needing to protect themselves, to enacting a unnecessarily hurtful exclusion of a group of vulnerable people who needed their help.

This isn't to say that their pain isn't real… it is, it just doesn't excuse an isolationist, closed minded view of their situation. Surrendering further thought out of emotional pain simply is never healthy, they take their feeling so far as up never show any understanding to any individuals within the horde, or to try to help them. As the leaders of free Etheria, this is a failure of their station as those leaders.

So enters our sweet Adora, who, while she does always mean well, is a lifelong product of abuse that makes her highly vulnerable to blindly going along with others' expectations of her. Afraid to fail her new allies, Adora accepts Glimmer and Angella’s ‘us versus them’ close minded view of the horde as evil as her own, she ignores her deeper knowledge of how this isn't true she has from her time as one of them. Because of it, Adora never considers how they deserve to be given the same chance to be better that she was granted because of her Princess powers.

In all of SPOP, Adora is the only person who is ever actually offered a chance to switch sides. This is a failure that happens because of the derogatory and closed minded views which predominate the rebellion's beliefs- it's no secret that they hate horde soldiers, and that no forgiveness is ever offered. It's prejudiced and amoral.

In SPOP, the Horde isn't evil in the black and white sense that most stories present their villains. They are a combination of bad, but also good: we can see that good in the stories of Catra, Scorpia, Lonnie, etc- even Hordak, the supposed leader of the evil Horde, shows he can be better and gets a redemption.

So, Adora’s intimate connections to people from her former life always demanded more understanding from her than just being crushed under She-ra’s golden boot. ... Not that anybody in the rebellion is actually interested in considering this possibility- and Adora is far too concerned at failing in her new duties as She-ra to stop and see it, and so challenge those views.

It was another missed chance to help people, rather than divide, that Adora misses seeing due to her traumas- her addition to their ranks should have been a chance to change the derogatory views of the rebellion for the better, to open a real path towards freedom for people within the horde who feel trapped by its abusive system, so they can find safety from it like she did when she switched sides.

It's a way in which she could have helped her former friends, and it might even have lead to resolving the war more peacefully- losing soldiers in such a way would have weakened the Horde, possibly even seen its collapse… also, Catra would have seen that Adora was no longer giving in to a blanket derogatory view of people like her... -> ->note, Adora's childhood best friend helms the Horde, and yet, Adora still cannot find common ground ? (This is because of Adora's own divisive and prejudiced behavior towards Catra. Also, Hordak is barely the leader of the Horde- as he hides in his lab and only emerges to makes snide comments.....)

Quick aside: yes, Adora does make a few weak offers of this in s1 to Catra, but always coming after Catra had been further abused because of Adora’s actions, and always with Adora acting in her superior way that shows no understanding of how she's hurtful. It makes Catra doubt Adora’s sincerity.

As it turns out, this derogatory view of the rebellion is a much larger failure: it fails the people of the horde, but very importantly, the way their hurtful views affects Adora equals a personal failure of them all to Adora.

What's really so terribly wrong with the rebellion's close minded views is that we never see any quarter offered to the horde: there's no opportunity for such people to be better- no choice given to them to step free of their abusive situation, and to prove they don't really stand for that. Not having that offer in place is an immoral act, and an abandonment of duty.

Glimmer and Angella’s presumption of evil upon all horde with no path to forgiveness in itself traps those very people in the system which forces them to act in evil ways. War is never an easy thing to solve- but presuming the enemy as evil shuts down all possible further understanding, and perpetuates the violence: as leaders of their world, Glimmer and Angella needed to do better.

And, their hurtful views are also a enormous personal failure to Adora, because it frightens Adora and leads to her continued self hurting-

Adora accepts the rebellion's close minded views that are forced on her, she throws herself into battle continuously trying to make up for her failure to be perfect. She's so afraid to fail them that she acts in compromised ways- such as looking to sacrifice herself, or hurtfully protecting her concept of 'destiny' at the cost of brutalizing her former friends in battle, never looking to help them.

It's a hurtful way to live, and Adora does it because she's so afraid to fail her new allies as a former child soldier from the Horde, and so, their views hurt her- Angella and Glimmer's views that being from the horde is synonymous with evil are a personal failure to Adora, particularly from Angella: as a mother, she could have helped Adora to understand her new role as She-ra, and to help Adora understand her trauma.

Instead, Angella judges Adora and treats her like she's evil unless she fights as she's told to... even though Adora, as an orphan, never had a choice in being from the horde. This is an emotionally hurtful failure to Adora as a friend, (Glimmer) and as a mother (Angella).

::This is also the beginning of a series of failures, one which ends with everyone being hurt, because of Adora’s betrayal of being a hero of love, in what could be considered a butterfly effect-

-> Adora takes the hurtful, close minded black and white view of morality of the rebellion, and applies it to her relationship with Catra- she ignores their intimate history and her promises, and implies that Catra must be evil like Shadow Weaver at multiple intervals following her defection. That is a failure of love, and of their lifetime of their intimate friendship with each other.

Catra had been hurt her whole life, she watched as Adora turned from her as a friend to be the enabler of their abuser. She's had enough of being hurt in this way, and Adora isn't even making an effort to understand why Catra feels so hurt by her actions. So, Catra wants to be free of Adora, who hurts her.

Catra fails Adora as a friend- ending the generosity of love we see her have in ep1-2, that she kept giving despite Adora being so hurtful towards her. Catra is done with Adora’s double standards, she agrees to fight the war against them all, since Adora so seemingly wants it as part of her new life and a 'destiny' which ends up being fake, anyways.

And so, the rebellion's close minded views creates Adora’s failure to Catra, Catra goes to war against them, and so, the one enemy they simply cannot defeat is created by their own close minded views that the forced on Adora...

The rebellion fails Adora -> Adora fails Catra (plus all of her former friends) -> and in reverse, Adora fails ALL of them -> rebellion alike, by failing to make the choice of love, of trying to make an effort to preserve her and Catra’s love, she turns Catra against them all with her lack of faith in their love, choosing to act hurtfully instead. It is a failure of being the hero of love that Etheria chose Adora to be...

A chain reaction that starts with Glimmer and Angella’s own hurtful views ends with EVERYONE being hurt- it amplifies the war, because, Adora is at the center of all that happens, and isn't being the hero she should be... you could ever say it causes a butterfly effect...

Still, Adora had a choice to be better.

Just like she had a choice to stand up to Shadow Weaver in the horde. Just like she had a choice to not turn on everyone in her old life, judging them in such hurtful ways, while never looking to help them. And, just like she had a choice to value her and Catra’s love, and through seeing how her actions hurt their love, seen that the duty she was so blindly devoting herself to was wrongly making her hurt people that deserved better from her.

Adora in s1 has so little emotional presence to be able to see her own hurtfulness- it's due to how she was hurt- that she places her concept of duty so far ahead of love that she can't even see the value of a lifelong relationship of love she had with Catra. Why would Catra think Adora cares about her, when she so casually betrays her, infers evil upon her, implies that Catra must be like their abuser ?

If, Adora was a more emotionally present person, she would have recognized that she needed to find a better way that didn't just brutalizing everyone from her previous life. And the rebellion itself doesn't help her, they just place their unfair expectations upon her. Her trauma makes it hard for her to see why love is important- she can hardly see the bond of love that she has with Catra... so, she doesn't choose love out of false belief in duty and fails to be the hero she's meant to be.. and everyone suffers for it.

In the end, Angella and Glimmer are not in themselves blameless for creating the situation they face with Catra’s determined war against them, because as leaders of the rebellion, they had been failing the vulnerable people in the horde all along.

As the saying goes, hurt people hurt other people. It's true in life and it's true in SPOP. Mostly people hurt each other because of trauma, and in SPOP everyone's trauma adds to the sadness of the war they fight for 4 seasons, horde and rebellion alike, not just Catra... or Adora. It's not the war they needed to fight, it never was, and as such they are all mostly caught unawares when their mistakes in this way results in Horde Prime finding them- ie- the true enemy they all should have been preparing to face...

... Which, it must be acknowledged, results from Glimmer's choice of trying to use a despicable super weapon to win a war- one in which her own bad attitude hurtfully influences Adora and therefore helped to amplify. Glimmer's act nearly destroys them all, while exposing their location to their true enemy all along...

Glimmer’s naive decision results in so much disaster that it really makes you wonder if the rebellion ever deserved to win the war with the way they conducted themselves...

I'd argue no…

Glimmer’s act, and how the princesses are caught so unaware of their true enemies- (ie, Horde Prime and the First Ones) shows them to be so naive that they likely would have inadvertently activated the Heart in time, and thus destroyed themselves, anyways.

They failed to be better, acting in way that added further trauma to the system. (..this is likely really a commentary on the chaos of war in general) And, the princesses really have NO excuse for being caught so unawares like they were- they don't know their own world's history- there's no real excuse for this. Especially when we see that it was indeed possible- Shadow Weaver uncovered much of it as part of her evil plans to attain more power. (Shoutout to Bow’s dads, who made a heroic effort to understand it, while starting from scratch- 🥰)

Add to this that Glimmer’s corrupted choice to activate the heart happens much as a consequence of her listening to, you guessed it, Shadow Weaver, and we have all the proof we need that the princesses don't understand their own “hubris”.

Long story short, everyone messes up the first 4 seasons, nobody is being their best- and so, Adora has to go to great lengths and great personal risk to herself to repair all of their previous mistakes during her s5 arc. She does this in a very beautiful way- she does it through the power of her love- *not* out of destiny, or duty, or even sacrifice. (Part 3)

Adora was always a hero of love, love IS her power, and she should have seen it sooner. Trauma is what blocked her.

A bit of sympathy for Adora:

Even though I'm talking about how she's wrong, Adora constantly found herself unfairly forced into bad situations by others' expectations put on her, some of which are evil, others are at the least unfair and corrupted by hurt. So, she ends up making some wrong choices… yet she's She-ra, she's still got to be better than that.

And Adora shows great courage in getting free of her trauma cycle to trust in the power of love instead of duty, like she was always supposed to do. How she gets past this trauma mentality is by simply learning to reconnect to her best self- and her deepest feelings of love and generosity that she was chosen to be a hero for by Etheria.

... Nevermind the First Ones-- Adora was still chosen by Etheria, as she was as a loving child, before Shadow Weaver ever managed to hurt her and make her into something else.

And, Adora finds this truth within herself with almost no help from anyone with her best interests at heart- Angella tries her best for ~3 minutes in the portal reality, to make up for her own hurtfulness towards Adora. (..Bow and Glimmer do help her some, but are very much involved in their own concerns..) Adora is a hero, but not by destiny… love is her truth.

Now... Adora’s burden as She-ra is indeed incredibly unfair on a personal level, yet as She-ra, she's still got to be able to make the right choices to be able fix the big problems she faces, and making those choices must be guided by love, not by destiny or duty.

So it doesn't matter that she's not responsible for the First Ones original evil, for which she was innocently born into- Adora simply won't quit trying to make it better, because that's who she is at heart. Trying to make things better is always a core motivation for Adora, even though she broke her promise of love to Catra. Love was always her guide, and her strength, that's why Etheria chose her, and in late s4 into s5, we see Adora begin listening to her truth of love.

So, Adora’s hurtfulness with Catra from s1-4 is just the most obvious symptom of how she's struggling with a trauma mindset that blocks her from being the true hero she's meant to be. This means that Adora and Catra's relationship issues and separation was always the real story of Adora's hero's arc, because Adora failed to look deeper and save their love because to her flawed concept of duty.

Being that hero requires not surrendering her reason to false judgements which require her to be hurtful to people who deserved her love and understanding, never mind if Catra makes everything worse with her own hurtful reactions. Adora always needed to be better than that, and being able to be so understanding of the moral complexity of their situation isn't easy, but, she learns to do it. Again, Catra isn't She-ra: Adora is.

::So, SPOP is one big story about people learning to not let their shitty attitudes control them, and of getting past them in order to become better people. Adora had a bad attitude in s1: it made everything worse, she turned on her former friends because of it. Catra’s attitude might be the worst of them all, but they all learn to be better- Glimmer, Angella, Mermista… the list goes on. Everyone needed to be better, and in s5 they are- it's what gives them the power to overcome Horde Prime together.

... Adora rescuing Catra is such an important part of her hero’s arc because of how she is a hero of love, but it's also important because she's making up for her previous mistakes of passing hurtful and false judgements unfairly upon her former friends... and against Catra. We also see Adora’s true powers emerge as she saves Catra, because she's trusting in love...

Speaking of Save the Cat… (part 4)

Still, if you're at all doubting that Adora struggles with being a false hero from s1-4, it's all well confirmed as Adora faces Horde Prime during Save the Cat in order to save Catra…

When Adora shows up to save Catra, and to save their love, Horde Prime pits chipped Catra against Adora, making her play out their entire history of hurting each other for false reasons in order for her to save Catra. This is meant to be a sly and forceful character assasination by Prime of Adora as a false hero, and as a bad friend. He wants Adora to feel weak, that her failures as a hero are so total, and her lack of love so hurtful, that it's much too late for her to fix her mistakes.

Because of his belief, he really isn't expecting Adora to succeed… yet, he doesn't know that Adora has found her truth of love…

He starts out by calling Adora a false hero, rubs it in that she's a First One, part of an evil empire that he easily defeated. And then, as she battles against chipped Catra, he tells her “you will destroy the ones you love in the process.”

This is supposed to be a scathing rebuke of Adora’s actions through s4. One where Adora, and the princesses at large, played into the hands of the First Ones manipulations, where she willingly hurt Catra in the name of her false destiny.

He reminds Adora of all of her failures, and how as a First One she's from an evil race of beings, she's totally at his mercy, just like the She-ra’s before her. He throws Catra at her, tauntingly, offering the chance for her to kill Catra, like she tried to do before in the service of Glimmer and Angella's corrupt expectations that she deliver them from the horde at any cost to herself.

Moments before Glimmer destroys the server, and Adora and Catra get their chance to talk, Prime rubs it in just how much Catra had to suffer for her sacrifice to protect Adora- “she was scared in the end, and she suffered”. A cruelty Catra shouldn't have had to suffer, but for Adora’s long standing history of betraying her for false duty.

Adora tells Catra she's not giving up on her, something she did through the first 4 seasons of SPOP with her blind righteousness towards Catra, never stopping to consider how she herself might have been wrong, instead stubbornly trying to enact her false destiny.

Prime compels Adora- it's too late, the damage is done, he's all but assured to win. She is behind enemy lines, and weak.. “then you are a fool, you cannot stop Horde Prime… he will reign triumphant… it is destiny”.

Her and Catra finally get to talk to each other when the server is destroyed, and as Catra reaches out, nearly taking Adora’s hand, wanting to go home again, he steals it away and taunts Adora one more time: “some creatures are destined only for destruction”- like it always was… Catra was meant to fail from the beginning, to die. And Adora was the tool of her abusers, she threw Catra aside as part of their evil plan to make her fail for their corrupt purposes. He sends Catra plummeting to her near death..

Clutching Catra’s dying body to her chest, Prime tells Adora “it did not have to be like this”. He's telling Adora that it never had to be like this, all of her betrayals of Catra, her struggles in vain against her false destiny, were done in a naive blindness that only ever made everything worse.

Everyone was made to suffer because of her naive belief in that 'destiny', she's failed, and if she's lucky, perhaps Prime might save Catra. By submitting to his will, maybe she can spare Catra her death... or if not... perhaps Adora can at least forget her mistakes like Catra has been made to do…

We all know what happens next. Adora is not the naive girl who played by the rules of her abusers, she's stronger within herself and knows she cannot abandon love. She's there for Catra- she's going to find a way to love her better, even if that's hard to do. As she says to Prime: "you miscalculated”.

And luckily for her, Catra, a true fighter for her own sacred life, surviving against a lifetime of death threats and near death experiences, is able to hang on just long for Adora to be able to save her from the brink of death..

None of this makes Catra’s actions during the war ok, but keep in mind that Catra shows great remorse for all of her mistakes. She's learned her lessons, too… and her remorse and then total confession of love hints that Catra never did what she did as part of wanting to hurt Adora..

Still… what really makes Catra fight against Adora like she does? After all… she had a choice, too, just like Adora did... (part 5)

Catra could have chosen to sympathize with Adora's views at the battle of Thaymore, after all, Adora was clearly right that what was happening to the civilians was wrong, yet Catra didn't.

As it so turns out, Catra isn't very impressed by some suffering of people who have lived their whole lives more privileged than she has, not when every day of her life had been a crime- surviving against abuse and torture with nowhere to run or anyone to turn to, Adora included.

Her life was that of an orphan, singled out for total destruction by their abuser, and as an orphan, the only way Catra knew for sure she could get free of that was through her own actions. She can't rely on anyone liking her or helping her because of innate magical powers like Adora does.

So, putting her life in the hands of the people who have only ever seen her as an enemy makes no sense, she's been hurt too many times before, including by Adora herself, to take Adora’s word for it.

But, she at least hoped that Adora would have chosen her out of love. Adora's willingness to abandon Catra so totally, and then continuing to behave so hurtfully in all of their further meetings, seems to tell another story.

All of Catra’s anger, and her worst actions through s4 can be summed up in one thing, of which never had to do with her wanting to hurt Adora:

Catra believes that she is totally alone in the world against her abuser, that nobody else properly sees Shadow Weaver's evil or will deal with it. And so it's up to her to do what must be done.

Everyone around her is an enabler in some way: Hordak didn't care to take a role in the Horde's everyday, only cared about results. Glimmer and the princesses become the worst kind of enablers of Shadow Weaver from s3 onward by taking her in, giving her total freedom in all but name. (And then there's the matter of Glimmer letting Shadow Weaver channel her power in s3ep4, which she uses to torture and nearly take Catra’s life yet again...)

But the saddest example is how she thinks Adora is a naive enabler who will never learn any better. Catra feels that way because of Adora's hurtful behaviors towards her, and how Adora couldn't even choose Catra out of love, instead vilifying her and hurting her as part of her false belief in duty.

She's wrong about this- Adora sees Shadow Weaver’s evil, too, she just doesn't know what to do about it. Adora had hoped that leaving her old life behind would free her from Shadow Weaver's corrupt influence over her, and yet... we see Adora struggle with how she was hurt right up until the end. Still, if she had just had one decent talk with Catra, it could have cleared up so much hurt between them so much sooner. (but they never did...)

Adora, as we see her in ep1, is a person that is so incredibly naive that Catra doesn't even need to feel that Adora ever intentionally enabled- Adora's blind devotion to Shadow Weaver's plan, followed by total willingness to abandon their fight against their abuser, while instead assuming evil upon Catra while hurtfully lumping Catra in with said abuser, means, as far as Catra could tell, that Adora was never going to choose to help her at all.

Adora’s behavior in the horde was so atrociously bad, that her continued hurtfulness after leaving seems to confirm Catra’s worst fears: that Adora really didn't care about her, and only cared about her duty.

If true, Adora having had no plan to help her would have made Adora's continued naive enabling of Shadow Weaver a clear and present danger to Catra's life. Was playing the favorite to their abuser really Adora's only plan? Would she have just continued to enable Shadow Weaver right up until she pulled off whatever betrayal she had for the two of them, killing Catra, or them both? It sure would seem so.

Add to this the fact that Adora just ends up having enabled a different evil manipulator as part of her deserting her, and Catra is done expecting anyone to ever help her with the realities of her abuser. If the princesses want to call her evil, while sheltering her abuser and further enabling Shadow Weaver’s evil, she won't feel bad if they all get hurt along the way. And Adora is naive, something Catra makes abundantly clear during their fights.

Catra does a lot of dangerous and hurtful things in the name of this belief. But, this is a trauma state Catra learns to wake up from, because she's lost just like Adora is, and her trauma mentality is destructive to everyone around her.

It leaves her with nothing… no moment of happiness, nobody to call her a friend, a life of absolute loneliness with nothing to live for except her drive to punish her abuser at any cost, with little to no chance of forgiveness for her violence. She learns every lesson the hard way- that no matter how much your abusers continued existence hurts you, there's simply some things you just do not do… you're no good to anyone if you surrender your heart to that kind of anger.

Catra does show deep remorse for all of her worst actions. And, she's lucky that Adora saves her. (even if she's a bit pissed at Adora for risking herself like that… 🥺😥)

But, in regards to whether she's abusive… in s5 we don't see that. Catra does act out a little bit while coming to terms with why Adora saved her- she didn't think she would ever get a second chance. From that moment onward we only see love and devotion from Catra, she doesn't want to live in her hurtful ways anymore, even if she still has no idea how to feel safe with her abuser running wild (Adora does see and her best to protect Catra from Shadow Weaver in s5). Catra can't keep living like she was, so living to help Adora makes much more sense.

My final appeal to people who have a hard time accepting Catradora… (part 6)

:: We should all strive to not let our personal hurt block us from appreciating people's situations, and understanding them. I know it may seem like I'm targeting Adora harshly, but that's why I went to such lengths to show how her issues play out in the narrative. Adora struggles to be her best self, like Catra does, and accepting this about her doesn't mean we need to love her any less than we already do!

Adora is absolutely precious, as is Catra… they never should have been hurt like they were- Adora as the ‘hero’ and Catra as singled out for destruction because of how she loved Adora.

They were always sweet girls, like the innocent and loving children we see them as in their earliest memories, before that day when Shadow Weaver hurt them so badly.

The beautiful love we see between them in s5 is what they always deserved- they should have been allowed to grow up with innocence and then fallen in love, but instead they got hurt because of the corrupt intentions of others.

They both spend the arc of the series trying to get past how they've been hurt, to get back to each other. And how they do that is by remembering the way they loved each other before Shadow Weaver was ever able to hurt them so much and drove them apart.

That, was always their truth, their love is good and pure like it is in those childhood memories. They were always supposed to love each other, and their division was a mistake that happens out of how Shadow Weaver and others have hurt them.

Both of them show tremendous courage in working hard to be able to step past how trauma controls them to be better, it's not just Catra who has to do this.

Adora does, too, because she's got to trust in love, not duty or destiny or sacrifice to be incredibly strong in the ways she needs to be to do the really scary things she has to do- such as stopping the Heart, and of solving a millennia old war that was never her fault, plus more. Love was always what makes Adora strong enough to do the very hard things which she has to do.

When Catra is given a second chance in s5, she sees that Adora is being hurt, and how nobody really helps her… they just expect her to do whatever has to be done. And that's wrong, because it’s unfair and it hurts her. Catra knows Adora has been hurt all of her life, she just didn't realize how much...

Catra may have been made to suffer because of Adora, but she survived that, and so she heals herself to be free of it as best she can in s5. And, Catra realizes she can help Adora, really really help her, to do the very hard things that are expected of her… Catra puts everything she has into helping Adora in s5. It's what Catra always thought she'd do, as the wiser child that knew how evil the world really was. She just got all mixed up inside, fearing that Adora would never really love her… and that was wrong of her.

Catra isn't really expecting redemption.. or even for Adora to return her feelings of romantic love back to her in the same way that she feels. She's a bit a of a pessimist, and has been left waiting her whole life to see someone show care and real love to her... But, all she has left is her love for Adora, and so she gives everything she has to her.

I think that's really courageous of her, and when she sees Adora is failing in the Heart chamber, she makes a dazzling series of romantic moves during the dream and the kiss- to show Adora that she's loved, that she's wanted, and that she's not alone. Brave, romantic moves which Catra didn't know for certain that Adora would reciprocate, but... she was still willing to do it, she loves her too much to let Adora fail, and die, while feeling so scared and alone. So, Catra does everything she can think of to let Adora know that she's loved. Catra deserves some credit for that.

We see that it works, as Adora has always loved her, too. Adora was just too blocked from expressing her love by her trauma. And Adora’s final test, as a hero of love, is quite simply to accept that she can be loved, not as a hero, but for who she is...

... I don't know what else to say to anyone who can't accept their love, or at least I won't here. I think it is the most beautiful love story I have ever seen.

In large part this is because it's not simplified. Catra and Adora’s love isn't just assumed to be kismet, they have to work hard to be together. They are both really bad communicators, and had to learn to talk to each other. This is true with most relationships, and in doing so they become truly loving partners to each other.

... So, it might have been nice if there had been enough time for Noelle to give us even one more kiss between them... but, I think Noelle wanted to tell us a very mature, grown up story about overcoming adversity to embrace love. And I think that's really commendable of them.

Sorry that took so long… Anyways, Catradora is the best ship, I don't make the rules! 😅🚢 ✨ I realize I won't be able to convince everyone, but that kiss was beautiful, was it not?? So, I hope my words aren't a total loss, and that maybe I can convince just a few people to feel like I do.

Love is power. 💞🏳️‍🌈☺️

:: Hi!! - I will gladly answer anyone's questions, and feel free to let me know what you thought of this. Thank you.

Also, if you've read this far, thank you for that- if you enjoyed it please consider giving it a ✨reblogg✨ or a like!! *humble thanks 🙇*

Peace and Love,

~EtheriaDearie 🕊

Some final notes:

Yes, I do realize these are fictional characters, but it's easier to talk about them this way- they are the nuanced creations of very creative people, meant for us to enjoy… in that way they might as well be real, because they have so much to teach us-

Got time to read something short (yes I mean it!!) that's mostly pictures? Check out this cool theory about Adora's dream it's real quick!! 💞🏳️‍🌈

-all hyperlinks are on tumblr. Here's a list of my other analyses-

LotFP = Legend of the Fire Princess. It's canon, important, a whole lot of fun, and worth checking out!! 10/10 😉

-note: I will not use the term 'toxic' because of how I feel the word carries cultural connotations which detract from discussion. However, discuss as you wish! I have no issue with the word or the concept, I just seek to be very clear in my meanings -

Finally, here's a link to a YouTube video of Adora saying Catra's name (fast forward to 0:40). You can really hear how her tone changes through time, in particular in s3 right before Catra pulls the switch, as Adora is coming to terms with her mistakes as She-ra. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f_WRT3D3n_I

#she ra #she ra and the princesses of power #spop #she ra meta #catradora #she ra spoilers #adora #catra #my writing

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Cupid & Psyche (S.R.)

Summary: Reader and Spencer get kidnapped by a rather romantic matchmaking unsub who demands they perform for him. Request: Reader and Spencer both have feelings for each other & an unsub called "cupid" abducts people & sets them up, but when the couples can't convince him they're in love, he kills them. Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader Category: Smut (NSFW, 18+) Content Warning: Dubious/Non-con (kissing as described in request), consensual fingering, penetrative sex, loss of virginity Word Count: 9.3k

MASTERLIST

It is a strange experience to meet a very important person under the worst possible circumstances. Call it star-crossed lovers, soulmates, or fate— it didn’t matter. All I knew was that the day I met Spencer Reid was the best and worst day of my life.

It started like any other normal day, and almost ended like it, too. But it didn’t.

There is something distinctly terrifying about your home no longer being safe. I was just lying in bed, trying to quiet my mind enough to fall asleep, when I'd heard the unmistakable sound of the front door to my house being broken down. With no subtlety or caution, it took the man less than 2 minutes to find his way into the first bedroom.

That room happened to be mine.

I don’t remember much, but I do remember the sharp pain of something hitting me over the head as I tried to open my window. With perfect clarity, I could recall the look on his face when he pinned me against the ground just to realize I wasn’t the one he was looking for.

He left me there.

Survivor’s guilt, Spencer had assured me multiple times, isn’t only a product of situations where someone else dies. And that was clear, because my roommate had lived, and I still felt terrible. Terrible that she had been the target of most of the monster’s rage.

I was the one who had called 911, and I was surprised when I heard the sound of swiftly approaching sirens. I didn’t stay on the floor. Painfully and slowly, I tried to crawl through my concussed delirium to my friend.

Luckily, the FBI made it there first. A voice loudly announced their arrival, and I felt a wave of immense relief rush through me. The first person to make it through the door, however, wasn’t what I was expecting.

The first thing I noticed was that he was wearing red converse high tops with mismatching socks. The second thing I noticed was how soft his hands were when they pushed my hair out of my face, helping me off the ground.

Maybe it was my damaged brain, or the adrenaline coursing through my veins, but this stranger wrapping his arms around me felt like home. The way he picked me up and carried me out of the building gave me the strength to breathe as he gently instructed me to.

Spencer had since then told me about transference, that I only liked him as a person now because he had been there to help me when I was in danger. But I didn’t remember anyone else from that night. I didn’t keep talking to any of them.

It was just him.

When I got to the paramedics, he kept my hand in his. He didn’t leave and he didn’t ask me what happened. Instead, he asked me about things I loved; the things that made me happy. It was a welcome distraction.

Spencer somehow kept me sane. Not just that day, but every day after that. At first, he kept in contact with me through letters. Like, as in snail mail letters… from less than thirty minutes away.

As romantic as it was, I quickly realized I needed more.

He must have felt the same, because soon I received a letter containing only his phone number. I called him immediately, and we talked for nearly 3 hours. It felt so effortless.

Talking to him made the darkness brighter. It made the painful memories change into something we could share. He kept me tethered to reality and made me want to stay there.

After a few months, we finally decided to see each other in person again. He always made sure we were in public. At first, he said it was because he wanted me to associate the outside with happiness again; to remind me that I could exist in the world without everything going wrong.

But I thought it was also something else.

With Spencer, there were clear boundaries.

On the day I told him about my new apartment, he insisted on walking me home. Standing outside the door to my new home, I think he could tell I wanted to kiss him. I didn’t end up doing it. I just couldn’t, especially considering the fact that, earlier that day, he’d told me about the only time he ever crossed a boundary with a victim on a case.

Perhaps sensing the indecisiveness in the sway of my body on the balls of my feet, he all but flat out said that we could never happen. I was so desperate to keep him in my life that I didn’t even try to fight for him.

I’m not sure which he hated more.

Since then, each time we met, he would follow me back to my apartment, but never further than that. I never asked him to come in, no matter how badly I wanted to. I wondered if it would always be like that. I hoped not.

That hope was the reason why I waited up each time he left, no matter what. I would sit there for at least an hour, hoping that he would change his mind and turn back around to knock on my door and beg to come inside.

It didn’t seem so crazy, that one day it would be too much and we’d have to act on it. So, when I heard a hard, anxious knock on my door not 20 minutes after he left, I walked over, anticipation building with each step towards it.

I opened the door. The only thing I saw before the world went dark was that the man on the other side of the door was not Spencer.

I woke up to stale air that reeked of bleach. Some vague memory dictated that I’d been in a place like this before. Opening my eyes slowly, I realized in the dim light that I was in a motel room.

The memories all came back at once. I shot up in the bed in a panic, running to the door to realize it was locked. The windows were locked, too.

My heart felt like it would burst through my chest, the blood rushing in my ears and my hands shaking more than I thought possible. The sound of my hurried breath filled the room and my mind.

That was, until I heard him.

“Hello?” Spencer’s voice came from behind the door of the shared room. I ran over to it, both hands against the wood as I whispered back.

“Spencer?”

“(Y/n)?” The shock in his voice hurt my chest. “A-are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. Are… are you okay?” I returned, listening in the relative silence for whatever truth or information I could glean from it.

“Yeah.”

He was doing something, but I couldn’t tell what until a small piece of paper was nudged through the gap in the bottom of the door. In Spencer’s characteristically goofy writing, I could make out the message.

‘I recognized him. My team is on the way. We just have to stall. I’m sorry.’

I wanted to ask him why he was sorry, but it was clearly not safe to speak about it. I guessed that we were being watched. Beside me, there was a webcam set up facing the bed, the light indicating it was on. So. I took the paper, folding it up and putting it into my pocket.

“Why are we here?” I asked, unable to resist.

Spencer paused, probably trying to figure out what he could say. But if he recognized him, surely he knew why we were her.

“I made a mistake.”

I let the vague words hang, pulling my hands back from the wood just in time to hear the lock unlatch from the door.

“Open the door,” a third, garbled voice said through a speaker in the room. They didn’t have to tell me twice; I threw the door open and quickly jumped into Spencer’s arms.

They still felt like home.

His face buried in my hair, his hands clinging to me like static, he somehow already started to ease the dread. But we were still here. He whispered into my ear, “I’m so sorry. He must have heard me talk about you. I-I just…”

Talk… about me? I thought, wishing I could pull back and ask for more, but knowing this wasn’t the time.

“I just don’t understand. This… so far he’s only targeted a very specific type and it doesn’t fit. I didn’t think I was putting you in danger.”

His words were so fast and hushed, it was dizzying. His breath on my ear and the confusing nature of the words made the anxiety set in again.

“What type?” I asked, scared of the answer. I wasn’t sure which was worse- the situation actually being my fault this time, or this being second time my associations had led me straight into the hands of a serial killer.

“… Virgins.”

The word sent a shock through my body as I got my answer, and I immediately broke apart from the embrace. My cheeks burned as they flushed, my chest heaving with the realization that this time it was at least partially because of me that this was happening.

But Spencer didn’t know that about me. Was this man stalking me? How did he know? It didn’t really matter, though. We were already here.

Spencer was watching me with a confused concern that quickly morphed into an expression of horror.

“Oh.”

That was all he said. He tried to shield the mounting panic from my perception, but he failed. I didn’t know what was going on. Evidently, he did. He either couldn’t tell me, or didn’t want to.

Luckily, he didn’t have to.

“Take a seat on the bed,” the robotic voice commanded.

Suddenly, my feet felt bolted to to the floor. I was too scared to move.

Spencer recognized my deer in the headlights expression and put his hands on me, trying to help me onto the bed. One hand brushed over my pocket that kept the note in it.

The message was received. We just had to stall. It would be okay.

Once we’d sat down, he didn’t remove his hands. One stayed on the small of my back and the other held onto my hand resting on my thigh. It was the only thing keeping me from screaming.

“Dr. Reid,” the voice started, and his fingers gripped harder against me as it did. “You have spent months now in denial. You have deprived not only yourself, but (y/n) of one of life’s greatest treasures.”

The man speaking paused like he was disgusted with the both of us.

“Do you honestly believe that you know better than the divine universe?”

Spencer was breathing heavily, his eyes fixated on the camera, but the side of his body pressed up against mine.

“No.”

There was hatred in his voice.

“I don’t believe you.”

“What treasure?” I piped in, unable to control myself with the adrenaline lighting every nerve I had on fire. Spencer looked at me now, like he was remembering something. His clenched jaw slackened along with his hands.

“Love,” the voice answered for him.

I looked away from Spencer, tucking my hair behind my ear as I tried to figure out what the fuck was happening. Was this psycho trying to play matchmaker? There were simpler ways to do that. None of which involved kidnapping.

“Your inaction cannot stand any longer. It ends today,” the speaker instructed as the lights began to dim even further. The soft glow of yellow reminded me of candlelight.

This man was insane.

“I will be your Cupid. I will guide you through the hardest part. When it is over, you will thank me for doing what you were too afraid to do.”

When I realized what he meant, I wanted to respond. I wanted to scream back that we didn’t need his help; that I didn’t want it to happen like this. But I couldn’t. Spencer was gripping me so tightly, begging me with his eyes to remember not to fight.

We just had to stall. But what did that mean? And for how long? Was I supposed to…

“Whenever you hear the sound of this bell,” he paused to allow a chime to fill the room, the lights pulsing in time, “you will proceed to the next step.”

I couldn’t breathe. My head was pounding along with my heart, and I clutched my chest to try and convince myself I was still alive at all.

“If you do something wrong, Dr. Reid, you will hear this noise.”

A harsh buzzer sound tore through the room, and I flinched like the sound had shocked me.

“If you fail three times, I will have no choice but to take her away from you.”

Spencer’s hand was shaking.

“Because if you fail, you don’t deserve her,” he clarified before the bell chimed again.

“You may begin.”

“Spencer, what is going on?” I immediately asked, tears welling in my eyes as he turned to bring me closer. He pulled my face to his chest, shushing me gently.

“I’m so sorry,” he croaked before breaking us apart. With his hands firmly on my shoulders, he swallowed. “I-I… I have to…”

The terror in my eyes was, I’m certain, the least romantic thing in the world.

“I have to kiss you. Is that… is that okay?”

On instinct I shook my head no, only because nothing about this was okay. I’d wanted to kiss Spencer for months, but not like this. Not if he didn’t want to.

“Yes,” I answered so quietly I was surprised that he heard it.

“Are you sure?”

I felt like time was running out. Like any second now, the buzzer would ring. It felt suffocating and overwhelming, and something told me that no matter what I said, it wouldn’t be enough for Spencer to believe me.

So, I took action. I wrapped my arms around his neck, my hands tangling in his hair as I drew him closer. When we touched, the first thing I noticed were that his lips were somehow softer than I’d imagined. The kiss was hesitant and panicked, but I tried not to focus on that.

Instead, I tried to feel the emotions that were hiding behind the tidal wave of fear. I was too afraid to end the kiss entirely, so when I stopped to breathe, I opened my eyes to look into his.

He seemed… lost. In what, I was unsure. I bit down on my bottom lip that still tingled with the feeling of his.

This time, he was the one to move. He placed both of his hands against my cheeks. The warmth and security the touch provided felt like a life vest keeping me afloat while stranded at sea.

I gave myself to the kiss, and Spencer seemed to respond to that. Slowly and without breaking apart, his hands slid down my sides and brought us as close as the position would allow.

It felt like an eternity kissing him, and not in a bad way. I tried to forget what had led to this. I knew it was playing into what this creepy motherfucker wanted, but it was all I could think to do.

If this had to be the first time Spencer and I kissed, I wanted it to be as much like I wanted it to be as I could make it.

That was the thought I had when the bell chimed. I jumped at the sound, my fingers wrapped within his hair tightening slightly.

“W-What does that mean?” I asked under my breath.

He sighed, pressing our foreheads together and clenching his eyes shut.

“I don’t know.”

They were his least favorite words, and it only made it worse to say them here, under these circumstances. He was shifting in place, trying to think of what to do, or say, or anything. Eventually, he managed to open his eyes.

“Can I try something?”

Dumbly, I nodded. Despite telling me, I was still surprised when he lifted me off the bed, carrying me a few feet before laying me down on my back. I turned my face to the side and saw the light of the camera staring back at me.

Dread set through my stomach, and I gripped Spencer’s arms like they could provide me safety. He used a hand to gently guide my face back to him.

He looked so different like this. I hated to have these thoughts right now, but it was impossible not to. The way he looked at me with his pupils blown wide in the golden light was intoxicating. And when he licked his lips, I remembered that they were the very same ones I had just kissed.

“Are you okay?”

His voice was shaking as much as his arms, like he was holding himself back from so much. I couldn’t speak, so I just nodded instead.

“Tell me if you need me to stop.”

I arched my back when I felt his hand begin running down my side. It was terrifying and humiliating, to have this experience knowing someone was watching. Knowing that something horrible will happen if I don’t play along. It hurt worse knowing that it would also hurt Spencer either way.

“I-If you stop… he’ll hurt you.”

He smiled at me, a sad, meaningful smile as as he said, “I’d rather he hurt me than I hurt you.”

I didn’t even realize the tears falling down my face until his thumb began to wipe them away. He gave me a quiet, chaste kiss on the lips before moving to my jaw. I gasped at the sensation, my hands wrapping around his head when his lips were against my neck.

“I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better than this.”

The words felt like daggers to my heart, and I tried not to think about the rest of the world for a moment. I stared at the pattern on the ceiling, letting my body respond however it saw fit to the way Spencer delicately laid his lips across the column of my throat.

“Just…” his voice caught in his throat, and the words stuck to my skin, “Just pretend that I’m someone else.”

My mind immediately rebelled against the thought, but I couldn’t tell him why. This situation was fucked up enough. I can’t even imagine pausing to take a moment to say, ‘Hey, by the way, I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you. When we escape from the serial killer, do you want to try this again sometime?’

“I can be whoever you need me to be,” he continued.

It just made me feel even worse. I felt so guilty, to think that some part of me was enjoying the way his body felt pressed up against me. But what if he wasn’t? In some fucked up way, was I an accomplice in his suffering?

“Just close your eyes and picture someone you love.”

I didn’t have to close my eyes for that, but I did it, nonetheless, hoping that it would make it easier for him. Finally finding the courage to move, I hooked one of my legs around his, pulling his body closer to me and sighing at the way it felt when he bumped against me.

His tongue on my neck became more insistent, and I bit down on my lip to prevent myself from giving the creep watching any satisfaction. Still, I wondered how Spencer would have reacted.

“Kiss me, Spencer.”

It was more a beg than anything else, with the purposeful use of his name. He dragged his nose up my jaw, opening his eyes to look at me with that calming look he gave me the first night he met me. Except this time, it was mixed with something else.

“Are you sure?”

The way he said it lit a light bulb in my mind, identifying that feeling as the same one I was experiencing.

Longing.

“Please,” I whispered, my fingers lightly tracing the outline of his jaw as I guided his lips to mine.

I’d never done this before. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve kissed men, but never like this. I’d never had one of them hold me so softly, expressing so many emotions with just one little touch that it sent shivers down my spine.

I swiped my tongue against his lips, implicitly asking for his permission to continue, the same way he’d kept asking for mine. With only a little hesitation, he accepted. And no matter how hard I tried to contain it, I couldn’t help but whimper into his mouth.

He must have heard it, because he immediately brought his hand to my head, lacing it through my hair and pulling me impossibly closer to him. I couldn’t tell if he was trying to shut me up, or just look more convincing for the camera.

Maybe he just wanted to? Probably not.

It didn’t matter; the thought vacated my mind the second the bell chimed. My eyes shot open only to see that Spencer’s had opened, as well. There were only so many other steps we could take before things got way too real.

How much longer was his team going to be?

This time when he pressed our lips together, it was with more force than I was expecting. Soon after, his hand that was on my hip had begun sliding up my side under my shirt.

“Oh, god.”

Embarrassingly, my skin broke out in goosebumps. I took a sharp inhale of breath, closing my eyes before his hand stopped completely in its tracks.

“Is this alright?”

If only he knew why I was reacting the way I was - the thoughts that I’d had about this exact feeling. The way that his skin was even softer, even warmer than I’d ever thought.

“Yes,” I sighed, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” he urged with a broken voice, “Please.”

Instead of trying to maneuver that conversation, I opted to kiss him. Having gotten past the initial stage of awkwardness, our mouths slid across each other with a renewed vigor.

That was, until his hand got to its resting place against my breast. My body entirely froze, and my exhale shook with all the nerves rushing back.

“You’re okay,” he whispered onto my lips, the words sounding even more intimate than our current embrace, “I won’t hurt you.”

And he didn’t. His touch was soft as his fingers danced along the outside of my bra. My eyes fluttered shut when he kissed me again. I wondered if he noticed the way his body was beginning to rock against mine ever so slightly. The friction was driving me insane.

“Tell me what you need from me,” he said through a heavy panting, “I-I want to give it to you.”

With a sudden rush of boldness, I tugged on his hair to separate the two of us enough to see the other’s eyes.

“The truth,” I said through swollen, well-kissed lips, “I want the truth.”

He looked terrified and confused, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he tried to swallow the doubts no doubt crawling through him.

“About what?” he asked quietly.

“Do you…” I paused, noticing the way his body froze in place, his hand shrinking back slightly to rest against my ribs. “D-Do you want me?”

With blown pupils and empty lungs, Spencer’s mouth open and closed a few times as he tried to get his voice to make a sound.

I never got my answer.

Before he could say a single word, I heard the unfortunately familiar, unmistakable sound of a door crashing open. I closed my eyes, bringing my hands over my ears and shrinking into myself as the chaos rung through the room.

Spencer’s body left mine so quickly that I almost accepted that as my answer. When I opened my eyes, I saw him standing with his hands in the air; the same hands that had been holding me seconds earlier.

I didn’t move until JJ had come to my side, helping me off the bed and asking me a bunch of questions that felt so far away. Spencer frantically looked at the panic on my face, then down at his hands before bolting out of the room.

He didn’t come back.

Every time I asked the team to see Spencer during the interviews, I would get an awkward non-answer telling me that it was probably best he was left alone for now. While I understood, it didn’t make it hurt any less.

My calls to him also went unanswered. Not that I needed to hear it from him — I could hear the same lines about professional boundaries and transference running on repeat in my head. I accepted that it was probably the only answer I’d ever get to the question that had sent him literally running away from me.

Even if he did want me somehow, it wouldn’t ever happen. Especially not now. And as heartbreaking as that was, it didn’t make me want to see him less.

I missed him. Not just his body that I momentarily got to hold, but his company. Since I met him, we’d become close friends. Dare I say he was my best friend. To lose him to a serial killer’s perverse fantasy seemed… wrong.

I knew I had to give it one more try. I had to attempt to convince him one more time that things could be normal. At least, I hoped that things could be normal again.

Despite the sun quickly setting, I knew Spencer wouldn’t be anywhere near sleep if he was in town. The poor thing never slept. In fact, it was probably time for his evening cup of coffee he had every day like clockwork. I wanted him to share it with me, just like we used to.

So, after making myself presentable— no sense in going overboard when he probably wouldn’t even answer my phone call— I gathered my things to head to the cafe.

Quickly enough so that I couldn’t second guess myself, I dialed his number.

My phone was wedged between my shoulder and ear, balancing precariously as I struggled to hold my keys and purse. I paused for a moment and found myself suddenly remembering the night I had opened my door to find someone else there.

And just like that, the door seemed so heavy; so impossibly difficult to maneuver. I stared at it vacantly and hoped that the feeling would disappear.

It did, but for a strange reason — music.

It was the soft humming of Spencer’s ringtone on the other side of my door. It was so quiet and muffled that I almost didn’t believe it was real. But it was, and it was his. I would recognize it anywhere (God knows he gets too many calls from work).

Then, it was quieter; receding from my door as the man with it was about to run off again. Terrified that he would leave before I could talk to him, or just see him and know that he was okay, I flung the door open without caring about what monsters might be on the other side.

Thankfully, there were no monsters. Just Spencer.

“… Hey.”

That was all the insight the genius had to explain why he was standing outside my door at 8pm for no apparent reason.

But that was fine, because all I could offer in response was a shaky breath and another soft, “Hey.”

“Sorry to show up like this I just… I hoped we could… talk.”

The nervous wobble of his voice did more to calm me down than I’d like to admit. In a way, it also made me guilty. I felt bad how relieved I was that he was also an anxious mess.

“Yeah,” I dumbly responded, not giving him any indication of what we should do next.

His eyes kept glancing away from me, unable to maintain eye contact and looking at something over my shoulder.

“C-can we?” he finally asked, “…Talk?”

“I’d like that very much,” I said, but then didn’t move. We just stood there for another couple of seconds until he was gracious enough to point out the flaw with my current plan of saying as few words as possible.

“Do you want to go to the cafe or do you want me to…”

“Come in?” I finished for him, before realizing that I was essentially blocking his way into my apartment.

“Oh. Yes! Please! Come in. You’re already here so, you should just come in,” I nervously rambled, trying to make sense of the fact that Spencer Reid was going to be inside my apartment… alone. “I-I’ll make a pot of coffee.”

Shuffling awkwardly inside, he stood just inside the door instead of outside of it. He was waiting to see where I would sit, but I hadn’t exactly decided yet, either.

“You know me well. I can’t ever say no to coffee.”

“Don’t think that one is exactly a well-kept secret, Spencer,” I responded with a light laugh, the butterflies returning to their soft flutter in my gut. It was weird how quickly we fell back into our rhythm.

He just nodded, accepting the slight dig at his caffeine habit. His eyes followed me across the room, his feet staying firmly rooted a few feet away from me even as I sat down on the couch.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” I asked once he finally sat down. My hands were smushed between my thighs as I tried not to give away just how nervous I actually was.

“The obvious thing, I think?”

He clearly wasn’t ready to talk about it, either, which was reassuring in its own way.

“The serial killer kidnapping us thing?” I responded with a smile to hopefully lighten the incredibly tense environment.

“Yeah, that’s the one…” he laughed, running a hesitant hand through his hair. His tongue swept over his lips, and I tried not to stare at it. It was still so hard to believe that only a couple weeks ago that tongue had been on my lips and kissing my neck.

“I just…”

His voice broke me out of my reverie, and I shook my head gently like it would physically knock the thoughts away.

“I wanted to apologize. For everything. It was my fault you got wrapped up in it and… the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“It was, a little bit.”

He turned his legs towards me, but his upper body shifted further away. I wasn’t a profiler, but it really felt like mixed signals.

“It was just… Morgan kept asking me questions and I let my guard down with suspects around and that was just so stupid. I never thought it could actually affect you. If I’d known you were a—“

Honestly, the fact he couldn’t even say the word virgin made me even more uncomfortable. I hadn’t even decided whether I would ever tell him if I got a chance. But now it didn’t matter. He knew, and it clearly bothered him.

“I shouldn’t have mentioned you at all,” he amended his thoughts, “I’m sorry.”

But truthfully, there was something else weighing on my mind.

“What were you saying about me?”

“What?” His mouth puckered before he sucked his lips in, worrying the skin. I watched his hands begin to fumble with each other. But any distractions weren’t going to work right now.

I had waited long enough; I wanted answers.

“He… he thought you were in love with me after what you said. So… what did you say?”

He grimaced, then took a sharp inhale before blowing out an equally uneasy breath.

“Would you believe me if I said I don’t remember?”

… said the man with the eidetic memory.

“Spencer!” I screeched with laughter before punching him on the arm, “What kind of lame ass excuse is that?”

“So, no?” he asked, obviously hoping that I wouldn’t push it. My glare told him that he had no such luck.

“I don’t know…” he started, looking down at his hands instead of me, “I was whining about not being able to see you because of the case and Morgan asked me if I’d ever considered being…”

There was that hesitance again, his teeth closing over his tongue to try and prevent the words from escaping. The words looked painful, which hurt me in turn.

“More than friends,” he managed.

“And… what did you say?”

The lack of pause between his confession and my response only unnerved him more. He sighed, picking at his nails like those hands that had touched me so gently could work their way out of this.

“You know,” he muttered with a shrug, “Transference… professional boundaries…”

He still wouldn’t look at me.

“I see… Are those the only reasons?”

That caused him to look up, his eyes squinted with genuine confusion. But he had to know what I was asking, right? He heard himself when he spoke?

“I mean, are there other reasons? Like, do you not want to be with me? Do you not like me?”

“What?” he spoke far too loudly, and far too quickly, “I didn’t say that—!”

“Did you enjoy kissing me?” I cut him off, changing the route of the conversation to hopefully land us in waters that were more transparent, even if one of us would drown there all the same.

“That’s not a fair question,” he replied with a trembling voice, “It wasn’t exactly an easy time to distinguish feelings.”

“Then kiss me again.”

I heard the way the breath caught in his throat, his eyes widen and jaw slackened as his brain processed the request. He had heard me correctly, but for some reason his mind was rejecting it.

“What?”

“Kiss me, Spencer. Right now.”

Sitting up straighter, I turned my body to him and moved closer. When our legs bumped together, I stole the warmth he so effortlessly gave. His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat and his eyes flickered back and forth across my face.

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” I urged him, placing my hand more confidently on his leg, “I want you to.”

He wanted to do it. I had to tell myself that, because otherwise I was ruining everything we had built. I’d been paralyzed with the fear of losing him for so long, but now I was just stuck with the desire and longing he’d left on my skin.

He had to feel it. I could see it in his eyes.

“Please. Kiss me.”

Then, before I could blink, his arm was around me. Tugging me closer to him, his lips crashed onto mine clumsily, but with purpose. My hands flew around his shoulders, holding onto him and the moment as tightly as I could.

Apparently, he didn’t need that much convincing. Because now that we were here, his tongue was more insistent than that night in the motel. His hands roamed my body, and I could feel the desperate gasps for air between each movement.

For a moment, I almost tried to end the kiss, but he held my face to stop me from leaving too soon. When we did finally part, his teeth held onto my bottom lip as it slipped away.

The second he opened his eyes, they were burning into me. I let my lips tingle, catching my breath before I decided to ask the question I was still waiting for an answer to.

“So… What do you think?”

His answer took a form I wasn’t expecting. Before we could even fill our lungs, his mouth captured mine again. Although not the words I thought I would hear, I accepted the way he kissed me as confirmation that he felt the same stifling longing that had plagued me for so long.

When he pressed his whole body against me, I found myself leaning back and pulling him with me. Because this time, there was no one watching. It was just the two of us, allowed to surrender to the desire we’d danced around for so long.

“Spencer…”

His name felt welcome on my tongue. His nails dragged across my back over the thin layer of my top and goosebumps ripples over my skin.

“You drive me fucking crazy,” he mumbled into my ear. His hands seemed so reserved, staying far away from the areas I wanted him to touch the most.

“Please, Spencer,” I whimpered, “touch me.”

His hands hesitated, hovering over my chest before falling back to my hip.

“I can’t.”

The two words hurt, and the insecurities buried deeply in my mind were blossoming anew.

He saw it, and immediately explained, “I can barely hold myself back when I kiss you, (y/n). If I touch you again, I…”

“I don’t want you to hold back.”

There was a long silence, his eyes displaying his thoughts so vividly in front of me. He was trying to determine whether I was lying. His logical brain told him what I was requesting was irrational, but it wasn’t.

“But you’re—you’re a…”

Again, he had paused. He couldn’t say the word. I hoped that soon, he would never have to again — at least, not about me.

“I’m asking you to change that.”

His eyebrows jumped up, his body moving away from me as he held a hand to his chest, obviously shocked by the idea. But was it really that surprising? I thought I had made my interest obvious over the past few months but apparently, I hadn’t.

“Me?” His voice had nearly jumped an octave, and I couldn’t help but giggle at the sound.

“Yes, Spencer. You.”

Still, he looked bewildered, like I was preparing for some massive practical joke. But I wasn’t. So slowly, I grabbed his hand, leading it to the bottom of my shirt and slowly pushing the fabric up.

The tips of his fingers were much too soft for someone who so often wielded a gun. I wasn’t going to complain; not while they ghosted around the edges of my bra.

“Show me what that genius brain is good for, Dr. Reid.”

I wasn’t sure what about that sentence it was— whether it was the honorific, the humor, or the flattery— but he sprung into action at a dizzying pace. Within seconds he’d pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it to the side before picking me up with ease.

I squeaked when I felt my body leave the couch. He hugged me close in the bridal position, not even bothering to look down at me as he made his way to my bedroom like he’d been there a million times before. Wondering for a moment if he could actually see the stars in my eyes, I allowed myself to feel the burning anticipation and anxiety of what I hoped would follow.

Spencer looked nervous, too, but in an entirely different way.

“Tell me if you need me to stop.”

He spoke so quietly, I wasn’t sure how I even heard him. It didn’t matter, though, because once his hands were on me any worries I had on that front disappeared as I whined, “Please, don’t stop.”

If he had been cautious in touching me before, he wasn’t any longer. Those large, warm palms slipped behind my back and unclasped my bra with only a little difficulty, which was impressive enough, considering I was lying down.

He waited for me to remove the bra, granting me the power to decide whether or not I wanted him to see me yet. While at first, I almost gave into the nervous voice in the back of my head telling me that I would never be good enough for him, I was persuaded not to listen by the calm and steady adoration in his eyes.

And those eyes roamed over my figure as soon as the garment was gone. Then his hand followed, hovering softly over my ribs before letting his fingers drift over my breast.

“You’re so beautiful.”

The romantic words only barely matched the dark, predatory tone that bled through each syllable. When he went to kiss me again, he let those feelings come through loud and clear, his tongue claiming as much as it could reach.

I openly moaned into the kiss, my hand running down his side. Each muscle I touched would tense under my touch, and soon enough I rested my hand against his hip.

He ended the kiss, moving that skillful mouth down my jaw to my neck. I tried to sustain my thoughts long enough to voice them, eventually managing to speak.

“Can I touch you?”

“Yes. God, yes,” he enthusiastically replied as he pulled back just long enough to remove his shirt before his mouth continued its assault over my collarbones.

The spark that he lit inside of me was now raging through my entire body and I was becoming overwhelmed with how badly I needed things to escalate quickly. With an uncharacteristic bravery, I slipped my hand down between us so I could cup him through his pants.

His mouth that had been kissing me gently changed, his teeth digging into the sensitive skin as he stifled a moan against me. I let my fingers experiment, providing varying pressures as my hand slid along the smooth fabric of his slacks.

Spencer surprised me by beginning to rock into my touch, his hands gripping me tightly as he sought for things to escalate the same way I had. Which is probably why his hand also found the waistband of my pants.

“Can I take these off?”

His voice was strained, trying to maintain the gentleness while his body undoubtedly told him to tear the fabric away without another thought. But he wanted me to want it; he wanted me to agree.

“Yes.”

With that, he didn’t waste time in removing them, his vision clinging to each inch of skin as it was exposed to him. Once they were out of the way, his hands held my legs during his ascent, his lips peppering soft kisses along the way.

I closed my eyes, trying to memorize the way it felt to be showered with his affections. My breathing was unsteady and loud as he pressed a long kiss against my inner thigh before withdrawing completely.

Huffing in minor annoyance, I opened my eyes to see him smile at the same time his hand cupped my sex over my underwear. I jumped with a gasp, but his hand remained still for a second as he read my reaction, trying to gauge my comfort level.

Once he was satisfied that I wasn’t begging him to stop, he began to move, rubbing soft strokes along the fabric.

“Is this okay?”

“I want more.”

“Patience,” he chuckled, giving more pressure as he continued and noticing the dampness soaking through the fabric. He bit down on his bottom lip, his eyes closing as that obvious restraint returned.

“Fuck, you’re so wet.”

“I told you,” I gasped between breaths, “I want more. I’m ready.”

“We’ll see about that.”

Without any other warning, one slender finger breached my entrance, and I nearly screamed from the sensation.

“Spencer!” I shouted, feeling my muscles clench around him as my body begged him for more.

For the first time in awhile, he wasn’t kissing me. He was just watching me, noting the way my body squirmed around his touch.

“Is this the first time a man’s touched you here?”

I wasn’t actually expecting the question for some reason, which was silly, considering the nature of his job. However, he hadn’t figured out that I was a virgin, so how would he have noticed that I’d never gotten past second base?

That elusive darkness appeared in his eyes once again as I slowly moved to nod between the lewd noises.

“Y-Yes.”

Spencer’s pupils dilated at the sound of my voice, and he casually brought another finger into me as he spoke, “I had no idea you were so fucking innocent.”

No matter how difficult it was to speak, I tried to continue. I was worried that if I stopped, he might doubt my ability to continue. Truthfully, I hadn’t told him because I knew that so many men were terrified by the prospect of an emotional attachment from a hook up. But something told me that wasn’t an issue here, so I admitted it freely now.

“I didn’t want you to be scared.”

“I’m definitely not scared.”

He took my hand that had fallen away from his pants and brought it back to its prior resting place, rubbing it harshly against the fabric over his erection to remind me of his desire.

There was something about the way he was so comfortable commanding my movements, telling me where he wanted me and what to do that made this experience so much easier. But at the same time, I didn’t want him to feel like each step forward was only made by him.

“Take off your pants.”

I made my instruction very clear, yet still whimpered when he removed his fingers. I watched the way they moved carefully, already missing their touch. But that was okay, because he was now using them to reveal something much better.

Although thrilling, the size of his length was simultaneously terrifying. I’d rarely used anything in those late night trysts with myself, and some illogical part of me was worried he wouldn’t be able to fit. But that was nonsense — we’re built for this, right?

Judging by the way he was beaming with pride, I’m guessing he had noticed my enthusiastic shock. I wanted to wipe that smug grin off his face and replace it with something equally wanton, so I reached out and gripped his erection with no hesitation, beginning soft strokes along the length of him.

“I want to fuck the shit out of you.”

The way he said it was not through clenched teeth or anger, but with a desperate desire. It made my body ache, wishing more than anything that I could give him that release.

“Then do it.”

“Not this time. I promised I wouldn’t hurt you.”

This time?

Like he heard my thoughts, he repeated with a hint of a smile, “This time, I’ll be gentle.”

My eyes lit up with hope as he straddled my legs, one hand holding him up while he leaned forward to kiss me with as much longing as he had before. This time, however, the energy had shifted. The languid, sloppy kisses showed me that imprecision was okay, that imperfections were just as enjoyable.

Between us, I could feel the way he lined himself up against me, the tip of his sex pressed against my heat.

Resting his forehead against mine, he spoke the words quietly and close, “Are you ready?”

Cautiously, I nodded, scared that my voice might break the moment. But Spencer didn’t appreciate my silence, and brought his hand up to caress my face.

“Say it. Tell me what you want.”

“I want you, Spencer.”

Unhurried, he sunk into me inch by inch, his eyes inspecting the way my face contorted with pleasure and a slight pain at the intrusion. His thumb rubbed gentle circles on my cheek as he continued for an impossibly long time.

“Fuck, (y/n),” he moaned, his eyes finally fluttering shut as he bottomed out inside of me, “You’re so tight.”

He was practically kissing me as he spoke, so I, too, mumbled the words into his mouth as he began to move, drawing out of me at a torturous pace.

“I was waiting for you.”

My words did more to him than I thought they would, and his hips snapped forward into me with one fluid motion.

“Shit,” he cursed, “You have no idea what you do to me.”

Although slow, his thrusts were strong, and each time he stretched me open my lower body would tremble, my fingernails digging into his arms or back — whatever I could reach.

Soon after, his movements became faster, with the sound of his low moans in my ear driving my pleasure to new heights. Something about the way our bodies started to meld together, with my mind unable to keep up with where I ended and he began, made another strange and familiar feeling bloom in my chest.

With both hands, I pulled his face back so I could look into his eyes, biting my tongue whenever my mouth wasn’t falling open with lustful sound.

“Spencer—I…”

I what? I knew what. Almost every fiber of my being begged me to just say it, let it be known so that we could move past it. But there was still that one piece of me that told me not to, that the words said in this circumstance would be tainted with distrust.

“Say it.”

His answer caught me off guard, and my eyes met his to find not a single ounce of worry. Instead he stared at me, his gaze displaying the same words that hadn’t yet reached my throat. The rhythm of his movements faltered for just a second as he slowed his pace once more.

“Say it,” he repeated softer now.

“I love you.”

He smiled at the words, relief washing over his features as he waited another moment before he kissed me. In that time where the only sounds we could hear were our heavy breaths, hearts pounding, and our bodies joining, I could feel myself falling even more in love with him.

“I love you, too.”

His answer pierced all the other sounds, and my back arched as all the feelings became too overwhelming.

“God, I love you.”

The next kiss we shared was just as sloppy, but now it was only because our hearts were so full that they overflowed. I was drowning in the sensation of him surrounding every part of me, and I knew that he was the paradoxical cure — The only way I could get relief was to throw myself headlong into his love.

And so, that’s what I did; I rushed into the pleasurable abyss without looking back. All the muscles in my body began to tense, and it only took one more rough thrust for me to come undone. I threw my head back against the pillows, shouting out what was supposed to be his name as my heat pulsed around him.

He groaned in pleasure, his hips hitting me harder now as he struggled to remain composed through the duration of my orgasm. I knew that’s what he was doing because seconds after it was over, he spoke.

“I don’t know how much longer I can last like this.”

Still out of breath, I panted while I responded, “Don’t hold back, Spencer.”

The words were vague, but I could tell by the way the sweat dripped from his brow that he knew what I wanted. Swiping his tongue over his lips, he barely managed to get the words out to ask my permission one final time.

“Are you sure?”

Taking his face into my hands again, I forced him to look directly in my eyes that were clouded with lust and euphoria.

“Show me how I make you feel.”

Suddenly, I saw something flicker in those golden irises that gave me a deeper understanding of just how precious this man was to me, and I to him. He buried his face into the crook of my neck, and I laced my fingers through his hair to hold me closer to me.

And then with one final thrust, I felt his muscles tense and tremble under my legs that were wrapped around his waist. An unfamiliar warmth spread through me, bringing with it a lightness in my limbs.

“(Y/n)…” he mumbled as his hips jerked a few more times, ensuring that my body accepted all that he had to offer me.

“Spencer,” I returned, giving one final moan before his weight fell onto me, his arms unable to hold himself up any longer.

We laid there like that for awhile, with him resting against my neck and feeling the way my pulse beat gently against his face. Meanwhile my hands drew barely-there patterns along his back and shoulders, trying to soothe the tired muscles.

Once he did move, he pulled out with a small hiss from the unwelcome friction. I couldn’t help but smile at just how tousled his hair had become during the frenzy. He didn’t notice, though, still too drunk on what had just happened.

He plopped down next to me on the bed, turning his head to look over my naked figure. When his eyes came back to my face, he must have noticed the emotions lurking behind the way I was staring at him.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his hand coming up to stroke my cheek, “Did I hurt you?”

I turned my body towards him, but maintained the distance between us when I replied, “No, you didn’t.”

“Come here.”

We both smiled as he gave his chest a few small pats to show me exactly where he wanted me. Scooting over to him, I felt my cheeks start to burn with embarrassment and unbridled joy.

I could hardly believe that I had just lost my virginity, and to Spencer nonetheless. And now he was practically pulling me onto him because he couldn’t stand how slowly I was coming back to him.

After I was settled, he let out a sigh of relief, his hand stroking the top of my head and playing with my hair.

“Thank you. For letting me share this experience with you,” he explained quietly, careful not to move too quickly or speak too much.

My palm rested over his heart, still just trying to accept that this wasn’t some crazy, wonderful dream.

“No, thank you, Spencer,” I said with a smile, “I put it off for so long because I was scared. I always heard horror stories about how it hurt and was so awkward and uncomfortable and…”

I tilted my head to look up at his face, finding him looking at me with a slight concern and an even larger curiosity. He was hoping I might ease that pained part of him that was still convinced he might have made a mistake.

“It didn’t hurt. It was wonderful.”

And then he smiled, his cheeks dimpling as it slowly took over his entire face the longer we stayed happily curled against the other. But soon he realized what the situation normally called for, and spoke the words I didn’t want to hear.

“Do you want me to stay?”

My mouth twisted into an awkward half-frown as I tried not to look bothered by the question.

“Do you want to leave?” I returned, finding it to be the only safe way to respond.

“No,” the word was said with a nervous chuckle.

“Then don’t leave.”

It seemed to be so simple; and it turned out, it really was. Spencer wanted to be with me, and I wanted to be with him. Not once during this experience had I been worried about transference, and breaching professional boundaries had been the furthest thing from my mind.

All I could think about when I lay with him was the way my heart felt like it was finally complete after years of searching for someone suitable to hold it. Resting my eyes for a few seconds before I would have to get up and ruin the moment to clean myself up before bed, I chuckled.

“What’s so funny?”

“I was just thinking…” I started, causing more bubbly laughter to spill out of my lips between the words, “At least we don’t have to worry about me being a part of any more virgin sacrifices.”

He snorted back, shaking his head and bringing both arms around me and pulling me tighter.

“No, we do not. But… I’m looking forward to showing you a few more new experiences.”

“I can’t wait,” I replied with a toothy grin, crawling further up to press a hard, passionate kiss against his lips. His fingers brushed over my hair, smiling into the kiss until we couldn’t hold it any longer.

“Good,” he said playfully, “Because we don’t have to wait.”

(Tell me what you thought of this fic here!)

#spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid imagine #Criminal Minds #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds self insert #criminal minds smut #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #dr spencer reid #spence reid #smut #request #spencer reid request #reid request #imaginingafterdark

[lostcoves]

ft. tendou satori x fem!reader 

genre: angst with a fluffy ending

wc & warnings: 1.3k | mental health crisis, self harm, blood, hospitalization

premise: tendou can’t bear to watch you spiral out of control, he will do anything to keep you safe 

note: my piece for @doinmybesthere​‘s mental health awareness collab! my followers and moots might not know this about me but i am a suicide attempt survivor and someone with borderline personality disorder so writing this piece was really profound for me. this is based on my own experiences and i can only hope that you can get a glimpse into what living with bpd is like. please don’t interact with this if any of my above warnings are a trigger of yours! thank you and enjoy the story :)

tendou could sense you were spiraling.

he watched helpless, as the girl he fell in love with deteriorated before his very eyes. your smile turned from bright and cheerful to hollow and forced. your eyes, once shined like stars, were empty. worst of all was your behavior.

he didn’t understand why you were so angry all the time, accusatory and defensive. one minute you were affectionate, the next you were proclaiming how much you despised him. what was going on inside your mind?

“babe..” tendou croaked from behind the door to the shared bathroom of your small apartment, “please, please talk to me. i’m sorry for not telling you i was going out. i really am. i didn’t mean to scare you.”

“go away,” was your response. tendou sighed and blinked back tears, “do i need to call someone?”

“no!” you exclaimed from behind the door, “just.. just leave me alone. i need to be alone.”

“you know i can’t do that, bunny. you’re scaring me,” tendou was on the verge of sobbing. moments like these always worried him. he wasn’t sure what you were going to do in the moment.

a hiss of pain alerted tendou and something in his gut urged him to get you out of that bathroom. standing up, he used all of his strength for his volleyball days and broke down the door with a swift kick, “(y/n)!”

you sat on the ground, breath ragged and eyes wide. your forearms were covered in open cuts, bleeding profusely. in your bloody hands was a razor blade.

“no..” tendou fell to his knees, horrified by the sight before him, “bunny.. why did you do that? why did you do that to yourself?”

“t- tori, i think i’m sick,” you confessed, tears rolling down your eyes in fat blotches. tendou grabbed the razor blade from you and tossed it in the toilet, flushing the blade away. he embraced you tightly, “i’m gonna fix this, babe. i- i promise!”

picking you up bridal style, tendou carried you out of the apartment complex and to his car. he buckled you up and drove straight to the local hospital’s emergency room. tendou feared that you nicked a vein when you cut up your arms.

“someone! someone, help my girlfriend!” tendou screamed upon arrival to the emergency room. you were unconscious by the time you both reached the hospital, tendou’s clothes soaked in your blood.

doctors and nurses alike swarmed the two of you, a group of them getting you on a stretcher. you were whisked away for treatment, leaving tendou to stand there alone. he collapsed to the ground and sobbed, his body shaking. his angel, his angel was sick.

“tendou-san?” a nurse approached tendou cautiously. through his tears, he looked up at the nurse and asked, “wh- what is it?”

“(l/n)-san is gonna make it,” she reassured him, “but in order to best help her, we need to know what happened that caused this.”

“we got into a fight and- and-” tendou choked back a sob, “she cut her arms up like ribbons. she’s sick, she’s really sick and i don’t know what’s wrong with her.”

“we’ll order a psych evaluation and get to the bottom of this,” the nurse gave tendou a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder, “we will help her. i promise.”

“okay,” was his answer.

hours went by, as tendou sat in the waiting room. his phone was buzzing with missed calls and texts from his friends, concerned about your well-being. finally, after waiting for five hours, a doctor called out to him, “tendou-san?”

“how is she?” tendou asked when the doctor walked up to him. the doctor offered tendou a smile, “(l/n)-san is gonna have a smooth recovery. she was lucky to not have cut through any of the veins in her arm. we managed to stop the bleeding and stitch her up.”

“and the psych evaluation?”

“doctor mochizuki can answer your questions,” the doctor stepped aside and a tall woman in a white coat approached tendou, “tendou-san, i’m doctor mochizuki. i performed a psych evaluation on your girlfriend.”

“good to meet you.. what did you find out?” tendou cut right to the chase.

“just to clarify, you’re (y/n)’s healthcare  surrogate, correct?” asked doctor mochizuki. tendou gave her a nod, “yeah. (y/n) has no family and grew up in foster care so she made me her surrogate in case anything bad happened.”

“alrighty then,” doctor mochizuki seemed pleased, “then i’ll be straightforward with you. your girlfriend has a condition known as borderline personality disorder.”

“borderline what?” he asked.

“borderline personality disorder, it’s a severe psychiatric condition that- if left untreated- can result in great harm to your girlfriend,” the psychologist was brutally honest.

“can you make her feel better?” tendou’s throat began to close up, as tears formed in his eyes.

“with extensive therapy and medication, she can live a long and happy life. the best course of action for now is to admit her into our inpatient psychiatric unit.”

“i’m not putting my girlfriend in a mental hospital! she’s not crazy!” tendou yelled, angry and scared.

doctor mochizuki laid a hand on his shoulder, “she’s not crazy, i agree. but she’s very sick and she is at risk of suicide, especially after an episode of that magnitude,” she then added in a soft voice, “it’s for her own good.”

“can.. can i visit her?” tendou sniffled.

“of course you can,” doctor mochizuki smiled, “and our unit has some of japan’s finest psychiatrists and psychologists, one of which is an expert in personality disorders like what (y/n) has. she will be in good hands.”

tendou took a deep breath, “okay.. as long as (y/n) consents. can i see her now?” he paused, “please?”

“of course,” doctor mochizuki stepped aside and gestured down the hall, “she’s in the room over there, first door on the left.”

“thank you,” and with that, tendou gathered his belongings and made his way to you. he carefully opened the door, not wanting to disturb your peace, and shut it quietly. the sight of you hooked up to machines galore and your bandaged arms made a pit form in the center of tendou’s stomach.

“hey bunny,” he whispered, taking a seat next to you on the bed. he caressed your cheek gently and watched as your eyes fluttered open. a groan escaped your lips and you spoke softly to tendou, “where.. where am i?”

“you’re in the hospital. you had.. they called it an episode,” tendou explained.

“an episode?” you asked, still groggy from the medicine. 

“yes, bunny,” his voice shook a bit, “you have a personality disorder.”

“i do?” you were confused, staring up at tendou with those doe-like eyes of yours, “what’s.. what’s that?”

“it’s called borderline personality disorder and it’s making you very sick,” tendou held back his tears, “but the doctors here are gonna help you get treated, okay? they want to take you to the inpatient psych–” he cleared his throat, “the mental health unit.”

“will they help me feel better?” you reached out for tendou’s hand. he took it and held it close, “yes, yes they will. you will be in great hands. i promise, i promise i’ll visit you as much as i can until you’re released.”

“okay,” you sighed and gave tendou a smile, “i’ll do it.”

tendou nearly cried with joy at your answer, “you’re so brave, baby girl,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead.

a diagnosis like this changed everything but tendou was ready. 

he would do anything to keep you safe and happy.

#bee scribbles #mental health awareness collab #haikyuu!! #hq!! #haikyuu!! x reader #hq!! x reader #tendou #tendou satori #tendou x reader #tendou satori x reader #tw mental health crisis #tw self harm #tw blood #tw hospitlization #original work

[a-tired-narwhal]

Tell me more about your feelings about the details of Caleb's backstory!

Okay listen anon. LISTEN. This is going to be LONG. Did I immediately rewatch/go back through the entire wrap up to take notes? YES I DID. Anon I'm sorry this is so late, I didn't see your ask until after the stream. I hope this finds you (*＾3＾)/～♡

----

Caleb fucking Widogast. Liam O'Brien always creates/portrays characters that CAPTURE ME. And it is purely the undertow of SUFFERING that I crave.

As a survivor of an abusive childhood, specifically with manipulation, neglect, and physical trauma, and having a controlling abuser in a position of power over you - I was surprised and delighted by Liam's playing of Caleb, and I'm sure that I'm probably not the only one, but Caleb's backstory just had me nodding along. Was not surprised at all by what was revealed about the blumentrio's relationship being trauma-bonding and probably why I'll never be an avid shipper of them. Nothing about Caleb's backstory left me gasping - because it's a relatively common abuse survivor story, except it's in the world of dungeons and dragons with high fantasy and magic and more common place murdering than today in places where most Critters presumably live.

Let's break it down.

Caleb was born as Bren to a less than well off family, who wanted their child to have a better life than them. Bren is a gifted child, and this will immediately put a bullseye's target on a child's back, make no mistake, for abusive persons. Now, I don't know if it's a pretty obvious that parents would trust in a teaching figure to take their child for that child's betterment, because I don't have parents who wish for my betterment ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, but I like to think that Bren's parents handed him off hoping for his brightest future.

Trent is basically the textbook example of a Cult Leader. Beyond the experimentation he did on his students; everything he put the Blumentrio through is how you beat down and brainwash people, especially children/adolescents. Textbook. TEXTBOOK. It was the dnd equivalent of the Hilter Youth. Now my personal experience featured the tool of isolation, so I didn't have two childhood friends to pour myself into and have threesome's with, but that's actually smart of Ickythong, because when you're left alone with your whirling brain for too long, and there's no one to hold over your head - we start thinking those rebellious thoughts, and at some point we decide we have nothing to lose, and we will do ANYTHING to shake that control. No, he left them in that abandoned tower together so they would be forced to bond with each other, as well as allowing them not to die of exposure alone.

Trauma-bonding CAN be a manipulation and used against you. Now. We have three adolescents trying not to freeze to death by being as close as physically possible. For those that don't know; sharing body heat works best skin to skin - ya get naked and THEN you wrap up together to stay insulated. Awkward groping is going to happen, and it's more than likely accidental. But when you add raging hormones to the mix, yo it's not going to stay accidental for very long (that in no way indicates non consent, it can be either way), and the feelings can catch hard when you're young and physical and EVERY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP YOU HAD HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM YOU, IF YOU EVEN EVER HAD ONE. (I do not know Eadwulf or Astrid's home lives so your guess is as good as mine. We should probably ask Liam)

So you've got horny teenagers, with above average intelligence, being systematically abused... Bam. Trauma-bonded Blumentrio.

BUT HERE'S THE THING. Trauma-bonding can only get you so far. And they are children, actively being raised to NOT HAVE THEIR OWN THOUGHTS AND IDENTITIES. The relationship they built, the romantic and sexual, are based off of a shared hostile environment and survival needs. And when those circumstances are no longer there, the relationship tends to fall apart.

I love that Matt talked about Astrid for a bit, sad we didn't get more on Eadwulf - but Matt didn't really spend a lot of time roleplaying Wulf compared to Astrid, so he'd have more insight into her. I also find it interesting that the Blumentrio took 3 very different, but again SO COMMON, paths in dealing with their abuse. But that's a different rant.

Focus with me now on what Matt said about Astrid. She was actively seeking power throughout the campaign, looking always to climb that ladder to the top, for her own purposes which were not stated, and was willing to do anything, sacrifice anyone, to get that power. Was it a burden to her? Yeah I think so. Did it weigh on her? Again I personally think it did. But she was goal-oriented and she wasn't going to let anything stop her, not even herself, and she hated Trent. Matt implies that all three of the Blumentrio did/do. Astrid, Wulf, and Caleb were wildly different people - I don't think they would have stayed together even if Bren had stayed Bren instead of becoming Caleb.

I know A LOT of people were miffed over how Liam and Matt showed Caleb's and Essek's love for each other; and I am SO glad that Liam touched on this; Essek reminded Caleb too much of Astrid and Eadwulf. Now I know we love to joke that that Redhead Dirt Wizard has a Type (smart, ambitious, vaguely amoral), and believe me I LOVE THE JOKE, but Caleb pumping to brakes on Hot Boi makes THE MOST LOGICAL SENSE AND I WAS SO DELIGHTED WHEN LIAM PLAYED IT THAT WAY. Caleb was still trying to heal himself; WHY THE HELL WOULD HE JUMP INTO A MESS CALLED ESSEK? That's some mf UNHEALTHY, TOXIC romance trope ya got there. People fix themselves, not each other. THAT'S WHY CANON SHADOWGAST IS SO GOOD. THEY ARE WORKING TO IMPROVE THEMSELVES FIRST. THAT'S SO HOT.

Ahem.

So the Blumentrio hangout in Astrid's room to sex and study, in threes and twos (I have weird polyam questions, Liam). Now, I'm foggy on the exact timeframe that was together at Academy > kill your parents > Bren is chucked into the Sanitarium; but it's clear that after the murdering of parents, Bren is tagged as the "weakest link" - maybe he broke because he actually loved his family/had a loving family, maybe the manipulation spell from Ickythong didn't sit on him as well as Astrid and Wulf, maybe boi wasn't made for killing (a lie, the boi is a total killer, you have to be in most dnd campaigns), who knows. But he broke, and Astrid and Wulf handed him over - it would be dangerous for them if they tried too hard to protect him.

Because in that environment, in those circumstances, in that set up; you do what you have to, to survive. You hurt people you love, you hurt people you don't know, you even hurt yourself if it means improving your own odds. It's instinct. It's not your fault. You are doing the best you can with what you have available.

I don't hate Astrid and Eadwulf; I just have more emotional attachment and investment in Caleb, and prefer the color purple on him.

Which is actually a great segue into THE WOMAN AT THE SANITARIUM WHO FREED HIS MIND; Matt Mercer you beautiful man, thank you for giving us a Moonweaver connection, my lil widomauk heart was sent aflutter! So, here's the thing. Places like that, sanitariums, psych wards, etc - if you are not certifiably insane before you go in, you will be eventually. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest is not a fucking joke. But the thought of some forgotten Moonweaver Cleric recognizing Bren's torment and just, poof, dissolving that spell? *Chef's kiss* glorious, wonderful, everything I needed.

Anon, I don't know if this is what you wanted or expected - but here it is, my sincerest apologies 🐳

#critical role #cr spoilers #caleb widogast #cr liveblog #campaign wrap up #Narwhal talks cr #child abuse #tw abuse #tw cult #tw self harm #abuse survivor #apologies to all the blumentrio fans #shadowgast

[kaypeace21]

Stranger things is about mental health & trauma- deal with it!

I’ve seen a lot of people claim anyone who mentioned this topic immediately be gaslit and told they’re “just crazy” and “rudely projecting their own issues on to the characters.’ Like- no you don’t have to believe my  Will DID/Lonnie theory ( I could be wrong). But to claim one of the show’s central themes isn’t about mental health/trauma (screams either complete lack of lit comprehension or denial cause you have your own negative biases towards such people). So let’s just go into what’s literal text-not subtext/symbolism. Just the super blatant stuff.  RIGHT IN THE SHOW!

S1

-We have El when she first appears on screen  asked by Benny if her parents starved and hurt her and if that’s why she ran away. Benny then calls CPS to say El “may have been ab*sed or something.” After this Lucas says there is “seriously something wrong with her-wrong in the head. She’s probably from the NUT-HOUSE in curly county.penthurst” We also see El  cannonically has PTSD-all of s1 she’ll see something benign (a cat, a coke commercial, a closet) and is triggered to see a traumatic flashback. That’s literally ptsd.  There’s also hints throughout the seasons she’s developmentally behind in both language, telling time etc (neglect like El’s irl can cause an intellectual disability-analysis on El/that subject here).The real pethurst in pensylvannia (not the one in stranger things/ Curly county)  closed in 1986-  it was a facility for people and mostly  kids with intellectual disabilities (it wasn’t technically a psych facility like the one in st)-but it was infamous for it’s abuse of these intellectually disabled patients kept there. We also have Brenner be a ab*sive psychiatrist.

- Hopper after suffering from the loss of his daughter. Is popping pills like candy, drinking and smoking constantly. He later says he used to hallucinate and forgot what was real -seeing and hearing sarah and says if he didn’t confront the pain he’d “fall down a black hole he couldn’t get out of.” NO... subtext here about what the void represents nope.

- Both mothers (Terry & Joyce) are dismissed as being mentally ill and simply grieving the loss of their kids . But both end up being right about the supernatural.

- “Terry pretends Jane is real. i mean it’s all make believe. you know the doctors all say it’s a coping mechanism.”

- While with Joyce the whole town pre s1 already questioned her mental health. Jonathan says “She used to have anxiety problems (pre s1).” And Jonathan, Hopper, and Lonnie all assume she’s hallucinating: talking to Will via lights, seeing a man without a face, saying Will’s body is fake -due to grief. Plus Lonnie mentions the fact Joyce’s aunt Darlene also used to hallucinate as a possible reason  (terry’s aunt also had mental health issues mentioned in s2 by Becky). Lonnie even says everything Joyce is seeing  is “all in her head.”  Hopper and Jon both say she needs to sleep and accept reality and Lonnie says she needs to see a “shrink”.  Hopper “i’m not saying that you’re crazy”. Joyce : “no, you are.” Joyce also says to Lonnie “Stop looking at me like that... like everyone else like i’m out of my damn mind.” Hopper also says about Joyce she’s “on the edge”. Callahan says in response , “she’s been on the edge for a while now” (referring to her mental health- even before Will’s dissappearance)”. While Lonnie says Jonathan is “feeding into her hallucinations ... you’re going to push her right over the edge.” In s2 Hopper says “ I think everyone is on edge- you, me, Will most of all. (when talking about Will’s ptsd/trauma)” 

- in s1 They claim Will just “fell” over the edge of the quarry’s cliff. Later the only other queer coded character (Mike) jumps off the quarry cliff (where Will’s body was found) cause the homophobic troy forced him too jump. Troy even says earlier dead-Will is “flying with all the other fairies all happy and gay” (to Mike). And Troy says to Hopper El made Mike “fly” after jumping off the cliff. Friendship saved him from jumping off the edge metaphorically ( and he’ll prob eventually be happy and gay too).

s2/3

-Will is seeing a therapist . And we are told he has ptsd and will experience the anniversary effect, personality changes,nightmares, having episodes, etc. And things “will get worse before they get better”.  Mike also asks if what Will is seeing is “real or like the doctors say all in your head?” And Will continues to see hallucinations of the mf/upsidedown that only he can see initially.

-Hopper also agrees with owens mentioning how he knew guys with ptsd . joyce : “it’s not like he’s describing a nightmare. He talks about them like they’re real.” Hopper: “Yeah, because they’re not nightmares they’re flashbacks.I think he’s right about trauma.I think everyone is on edge (bringing that s1 ref back), Me you, Will, most of all.Nothing’s gonna go back to the way that it was. But it’ll get better.In time.”

-Nancy suffers from survivor’s guilt and drunkingly says she killed Barb. Jonathan says like Nancy he has “a weight that you that carry all the time . i feel it too.” (cough depression). He also says he tries to be there for Will but says about Will “he’s not the same. maybe things can’t go back to the way they were. (mirroring Hopper’s words earlier that season)”

-Jonathan said in s1 Joyce had “anxiety issues” than Nancy says in s3 “you really are your mother’s son... you worry too much.” Then we see him look worried after the comment.

- in s2, Axel & a scientist both call El and Will “schizos” because of their powers. In s3 mrs driscoll isn’t believed about the supernatural cause she’s schizophrenic-but like Joyce/Terry was right.

- Kali saves a woman named Dottie (a british slang term for crazy)  from a mental hospital and then compares herself and El to dottie. saying her non-powered gang is “Like us ...outsiders... society discarded them.”  In graphitti we even see the title “obedlam” a british poem about discarding the mentally ill and leaving them homeless.  El before this sees a mentally ill man screaming “we’re all dead!” Kali’s friend says to El, after this encounter they were “dead all of us” until kali “saved them here” (points to head) “and here” (points to heart). Pointing to the theme of love and friendship helping those with such issues. Similar to the cliff analogy.

-The cycle of ab*se. Max in s2 says she’s afraid of becoming like Billy (her ab*ser). We see Billy mimic his ab*ser neil and inflict pain on max. In s3 we see the roots of his behavior are linked to mimicking Neil- Neil in a flashback says  about baseball “what are you scared?”  “ did i raise a p*ssy for a son”. So young Billy later in a fight says to a boy “ what are you scared to fight me? fight me p*ssy. (as he beats the boy)” Deflecting his anger of his father on to someone else. In s3, We see as a kid he used to say to Neil “don’t hurt her” (his mom)-specifically after  Neil backhand slaps her -but we later see possessed Billy backhand slap Max (just like neil).  The resentment to his mother leaving - festered into how he views women and max negatively . And his attraction to mrs wheeler prob is linked to him subconsciously missing his mother. Max in s2 even says  he can’t take it out on her mother so he does so to her instead (we even have Billy hallucinate hurting mrs wheeler).We see in s2 the cycle of abuse is there- Billy mimics Neil, and then Max mimics Billy. Billy harrasses Max and yells “SAY IT!” (mimicking Neil).  Max like Billy later  yells “SAY IT” and uses a bat /violence to stand up for herself against Billy- which earlier she said she was trying to combat … explaining she can be angry like Billy sometimes but she never wants to be like him (her nickname symbolizing this: aka ‘mad max’).  Billy’s last dying words were an apology to Max- for becoming her neil. And we hopefully will see Max break this cycle.

- Will says his now memories (that he describes like dreams) are “growing “, “spreading “,and “killing”. While Kali says they need to face their father and (as Brenner) says El has to confront her “wound” or else it’ll “grow”, “spread” and “eventually it’ll kill her.” Kali says she used to be like El . She used to bottle her pain away and it “spread.” But she then says  “I confronted my pain and I finally began to heal (from those wounds).” We also see with jonathan and nancy when describing “shared trauma” zoom in onto the scars on their hands. The wound heeled into a scar so to speak.

S2 & 3 ENDINGS

both have Hopper do a speech that delves into dealing with trauma/depression but still finding good along the way.

-s2 Hopper outside the snowball: “how are you holding up? Yeah, that feeling never goes away. It is true what they say, you know. Everyday it does get easier.”

-s3 Hopper monolouge : “ Feelings jesus. For so long, i’d forgotten what those even were. I’ve been stuck in one place,in a cave you might say , a deep dark cave (cough s2 supernatural cave). For the first time in a long time, i started to feel things again. I started to feel happy. Life... yeah sometimes it’s painful .sometimes it’s sad, and sometimes it’s suprising... happy.. And when life hurts you, because it will .remember the hurt . The hurt is good. It means you’re out of that cave.”

BUT YES- St has nothing to do with mental health/trauma, we’re just “crazy” and “projecting”. It’s not like some of ya’ll  act pompous when you just have a bias and get pissy at the idea of relating to characters you “other” as “crazy” or “damaged” irl or anything (so attack people for pointing it out). Or (benefit of the doubt) you are just like.... oblivious... or just a kid who doesn’t know better XD

#stranger things #el hopper #will byers #jim hopper #joyce byers #max mayfield #billy hargrove #kali prasad #mike wheeler #jonathan byers #nancy wheeler