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lilsuzn · 3 years

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MLQC Lucien - NSFW abc headcanons

Sorry I was gone for so long. I was busy doing hot girl shit.

Fandom: Mr. Love: Queen's Choice

Warnings: S.M.U.T. (the reader is gender neutral, but I quote Lucien’s “silly girl” at one point so idk)

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

It’s probably because of this relationship you two have. One that Lucien thought he could never have.

Frankly, he didn’t really want one. Even with you.

But it was impossible to stop himself from jumping into that rabbit whole.

You are not even a human for him. You are far superior.

A goddess.

A greater being that must be worshiped. Cherished. LOVED THOROUGHLY and Lucien can't stop himself from doing all that.

He would help you clean up with so much care. Hold you like he’s about to lose you. Wisper praises and declarations of love into your ear.

Prefers to stay in bed, but wouldn’t mind to do it in a bath either.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He never really gave it much thought, but if you’d ask him, he would probably say - his neck.

Because he noticed how much attention you give it. That given a choice you would always kiss and bite on the neck.

And the unreformable tease he is - he loves your ears.

The way you twitch and squirm when he licks the or softly blows around them. The way you flush when he leans in to whisper directly to it.

All those small reactions get his blood pumping.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

A big fan of cuming onto you.

Your ass is his staple favorite, but chest, stomach, back or… basically anywhere else is not bad at all either.

If he ever comes inside you without a condom… and gets to see his seed dripping out of you… IT’S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL CHANGE OF PERSPECTIVE FOR HIM.

Nothing can beat the look of his seed spilled on your pretty butt, BUT… damn that’s a nice sight.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He doesn’t believe that some deeds can be dirty or naughty.

He's a scientist. Explorer of human's brain. He knows that every single of those is a normal, human thing.

But given that we all know what is this question all about…

Lucien really liked to draw when he was a kid and he still does it from time to time.

And what else could he sketch in his free time if not the most beautiful creation of this world? You. Naked.

He has countless amounts of those at this point. Every part of you has a separate piece. He likes to go through them from time to time.

Meaning every day when you're not around.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Lucien is not a virgin but he had never been in a real relationship before you.

He had some one night stands. A few booty call relationships, but he had never been with someone the way he is with you.

So you were still a challenge, because he could not allow himself any shortcomings when it came to you.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

That’s a spoiler for the future, but Lucien is more than willing to try everything and he doesn’t really feel any special bond with a particular position.

However he does have a particular group and if you remember what I said in C above, you know where I’m going.

From behind. Seeing your butt shake. He’s an ass man. (would love to try anal if you’d show an intrest in that)

Major bonus points if you turn your head to the side and look at him. With your lovely, beautiful face that he loves oh so much.

He instantly speeds up to the point that no man should ever reach and will happily carry you around for a day or two - you’ll need it.

Because after that there could never be only one round. Or even two or three.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

I wouldn’t call it goofy.

It’s very intense. Almost in a spiritual sense.

For Lucien sex is a metter of high importance. There’s no room for fooling around.

He needs to focus, so afterwards you’re completely spent, blissed and fucked to the point where you could never enjoy sex with any other man.

Toxic trait of this cutesy otome boy - possessiveness, and although he won’t try to control what and with who you do...

(the man has some dignity and respect for your autonomy)

He will make sure you won’t be able to forget who makes you feel so f*in' good and being ‘goofy’ won’t make the statement.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

I think Lucien would be somewhat groomed, but not bold.

Shaving just isn’t natural and therefore necessarily good for one’s body.

Therefore, if you shave he might try to convince you to stop.

I want to touch a woman, not a girl - he would say.

Carpet matches the drapes (however I like to think that Lucien has ginger pubes dontjudgeme)

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Said first in A, now will be more specific.

With Lucien sex is some kind of a ritual of worship.

It’s a sacrifice for his goddess. His energy, his time, his most attentive care.

Love beams from his eyes even stronger than light does from the sun.

The foreplay will be elongated. You need to come at least twice before he enters you (see T).

During he roams your body with his hands. Boldly, but not aggressively… unless you’d like it.

Afterwards… well, just read A again.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

He’s a very busy man, so he doesn’t get many chances, but…

When he can he’s right at it… thinking of that pretty ass of yours.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Lucien is quite kinky.

He's in for anything that doesn’t go under N conditions. Anything.

Likes bondage. No. He loves it. On you. And blindfolds.

SPANKING.

DOM BOY, but wouldn’t mind to go sub from time to time for you.

You want you to submit thoroughly, so he can thoroughly please you. Give you all that can be given.

Lives for roleplaying.

He also is really into body worship. He will praise you to the point of incredibility.

See T gir. It’s really an intense game.

Lives to hear you beg for him.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

He likes to be in a private, comfortable place, when he doesn’t have to worry about any interruptions or other inconveniences.

Best in your or his place.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

First of all he really needs no convincing.

BUT.

The beast is awake momentarily when you wear his clothes. Like his sweater when you're cold. Or a shirt after a passionate night.

"You make a very nice sight indeed."

Other thing is lingerie. He likes it dark and erotic. Satin and straps. Maybe some nice, sheer mesh.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

No humiliating one another.

Nothing that even comes close to making you feel like he might have attempted to disrespect you.

Also - no outsiders.

And no hiding one another's fantasies. He’s there to please and satisfy you. Don’t take it away from him.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Eghem.

Can you stay up all night

Fuck me till the daylight

34+35

If you don't get it yet, it means he wants to 69 with you.

All night. Every night.

The taste of you in his mouth is heavenly.

The feeling and sight of your mouth enveloping his groin is pure ecstasy.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

He doesn’t have much of a fav.

It all depends on his mood.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Meh...

It’s not like an unacceptable option, but he prefers delayed gratification.

Will agree if you insist, but won’t ever offer.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? Do they take risks? etc.)

OF COURSE. YES. PLEASE.

Why would he ever limit himself to known and obvious, when there might be something far, far superior to what both of you already know.

He enjoys erotic literature. Sometimes reads online articles about interesting positions, toys or new ways to make you come harder and faster.

Won’t shy away from many things. Just remember about what I said in N.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

This man rarely sleeps. Rarely even rests.

This man is a rabbit.

It's more likely you will pass out of exhaustion then that he will take a break from fucking you. Weather it's with his hands, dick, lips or… other things.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Speaking of other things.

And fucking.

Lucien invested in a nice collection for the two of you. Vibrators. Rings. Suckers.

He likes to please you in every way he can.

While the toys take care of you, you suck onto him.

Sometimes you just embrace yourself as the toys take care of your needs. And you go like this for hours. Until you can't take it anymore.

And let's not forget the bondage equipment. Ropes, handcuffs, blindfolds, gags, whips….

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Obvi. What did you expect?

A lot.

For hours.

Until all you’re able to say is “Lucien” and “Please”.

Edging is not negotiable. Happens every time. Often to the point when you come so fast and unexpectedly he just couldn’t stop on time.

Will talk dirty to your ear in public to then “accidently” stroke your nipple or if he feels particularly bold that day - your crotch.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Not shy at all. No shame.

Will moan, groan, pant and hiss all he wants and as loudly as he wants.

Let the neighbors hear. Why would he feel ashamed of fucking you?

LOVES when you do the same.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

He would love to take you for a weekend trip. In the mountains. Renting a nice cottage.

Necessarily with a fireplace. And a jacuzzi.

He would have it decorated with many, many gleaming candles. Set all around the cottage.

The soothing music would play.

His fingers would play with your sex while you soak yourselfs in the jacuzzi.

Then he would lay you on a soft carpet in front of the fireplace and make love to you. True, unmistakable love.

It would be a trip to remember for the rest of your lives.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

First off all, see this meme.

He just emanuates that massive dick energy. That’s just facts. No one in the bunch can relate. I’m sorry stans of the other 4, it’s not my fault, don’t @ me.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

High. Very high sometimes.

Okay - usually very high, sometimes extremely high.

All nighters will happen at least once a week unless one of you really has a tough week or just had one and still tries to get everything together.

Otherwise no mercy. His lover needs to have all her needs fulfilled. Lucien would never allow you to walk around hungry or cold. Why would he let you be unsatisfied in this category, silly girl?

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Not right away for sure.

He wants to watch you fall asleep. And then see those cutest expressions you make in your slumber.

Sometimes he just grabs a book and holds your hand until you wake up.

Other times he isn't able to resist it and falls asleep. You in his arms. His world at peace.

#mlqc #mr love queen's choice #mlqc fanfic #mlqc hc #mlqc headcanon #mlqc lucien #mlqc smut

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cosmicjoke · 3 years

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I want to talk a little bit about Levi’s relationship with Erwin, and why Levi, for most of the story of Attack on Titan, was dedicated to and so trusting of Erwin’s judgment.

I see a lot of people say it’s because Erwin gave Levi a “purpose” in life. That it’s because before he met Erwin, Levi had no direction, no goal, etc... That might be part of it. But I think, more than giving Levi a purpose, I think what Erwin gave Levi was hope.

Levi’s big, character defining moment, the one that influences and impacts all of Levi’s choices throughout the story, and indeed, influences his very life philosophy, comes with the deaths of Furlan and Isabel. I don’t think the importance of these two characters in Levi’s life gets nearly enough attention. They’re often written off because they’re “side characters”, not actually invented by Isayama himself, and so their import to Levi is often overlooked. But if we’re being honest, and not viewing Levi’s relationships through the lens of shipping goggles, I think, out of everyone, it’s Furlan and Isabel who were probably closer to Levi than any other character in the series. I don’t say that to offend anyone, so please don’t take it that way. But both Furlan and Isabel come from the same world as Levi. They, presumably, both grew up in the Underground, the same as Levi, both experienced poverty, deprivation, and the same struggle to survive from day to day that Levi did. That, alone, would give them a connection to Levi that no other character in SnK has. No one else that we know of in the Survey Corps came from the Underground, no one else in the Survey Corps experienced that particular kind of disenfranchisement or alienation from proper society, or truly experienced what it meant to be treated as second class citizens, the way those who came from the Underground did. The people of the Underground are there largely because, for whatever reasons, they’ve been deemed pariah’s of society, unwanted, unneeded, driven there, in the case of Levi’s mother, by persecution, others likely for having fallen in bad with the law, somehow, or because their own, impoverished circumstances left them with no place else to go. Likely a large portion of the Underground population was born there, born into poverty and deprivation and labeled, through no fault or action of their own, as the “dregs” of society. I think it’s even stated at some point in the manga that the people of the Underground don’t have legal citizenship up on the surface. Meaning they’re literally treated as illegal aliens, and if they’re caught up above on the surface, they’ll be deported back down. In this sort of environment, in which the population has been cast off from regular society and deemed unfit and undesired, cut off from the typical benefits and privileges one garners from being a part of a working and ordered society, like regular food, regular work, safe and reliable shelters, an education, health care, opportunity for advancement, all the sorts of rights one enjoys from having citizenship of any society, circumstances of desperation come into play, a constant, frantic struggle to acquire the basic necessities of living day to day, of simply surviving from one day to the next. This of course breeds an environment of crime. Engaging in illegal activities just to manage day to day life. This is all stuff that Levi was born into, this kind of deprived life where he could rely on no one and nothing to help him get by. No sorts of state implemented programs, no sort of educational system to help him learn a trade, no sort of regular job opportunities or income, no access to health care, no legal or human rights, no legal path to gaining citizenry up top, no safety net of any kind to help him, essentially. This is what it truly means to struggle to survive. When there isn’t any time to think of banal or frivolous pleasures, when one can’t afford to indulge in fantasies or dreams, or hope. All Levi would have known, for the first 25 years of his life, was the desperate struggle to not die, to make it to the next day. Truly the definition of existing, not living.

Furlan and Isabel, we can surmise, shared this same experience with him, underwent and experienced similar struggles and desperation and deprivation. That shared experience, then, must have bonded them in a way impossible for Levi to find with anyone else, no matter how close he grew to his comrades in the SC. None of them could ever have understood the experience of growing up totally deprived, as Levi did, the way Furlan and Isabel could have. And I think, because of that, to Levi, Furlan and Isabel were the closest thing to family he probably ever had. They found each other in the most desperate of circumstances, and bonded through the shared struggle of their existence. They found comfort and love and friendship in one another in an otherwise brutally harsh, unforgiving, cruel, uncaring, isolated and forgotten world. A world literally shunned by the light of the sun, and by the acceptance of society above.

Well, how this all relates back to Erwin and Levi’s relationship with him, comes down to what Erwin says to Levi after Furlan’s and Isabel’s deaths. Levi is drowning and blinded, in the moments following their deaths, by pure grief and rage. He can’t understand what’s just happened. He’s lost the only two friends he’s ever had in the whole world. The two people who he found in the darkest, most difficult and most desperate time of his life, the two people who shared in and understood that hardship better than anyone else ever could. He’s just watched the both of them being eaten alive by Titans, torn apart and killed in one of the most horrific and terrifying ways a person can die, and found himself unable to save them, helpless to stop this horrible thing from happening to the only two people in his life he could, up to that point, regard as family. He was alone. Utterly alone, then. Likely transported back to the days before he met them, after Kenny had abandoned him on the streets, left completely on his own to survive in, again, one of the harshest, most unforgiving environments imaginable. Levi’s life, before he met Furlan and Isabel, must have been one of suffocating loneliness and isolation. A life filled with no real human connection, no real warmth, or love or friendship. He found those things when he found them. And then he had to sit there and watch as those things were torn violently away from him once more. The pain must have been incomprehensible, the fear and disbelief and grief so deep, he couldn’t think past it. He sees Erwin in that moment, then, and it all comes crashing down on him, all of that rage, pain and despair, and the only means for him to keep it from destroying him then and there, to keep it from consuming him, is to direct it at the man he sees a responsible for their deaths. So he attacks Erwin, fully intent on killing him. And then, Erwin tells him not to let Furlan and Isabel have died in vain. He tells Levi not to regret his choice to come with them to the surface, not to regret having chosen to come out on expedition with the SC, not to regret choosing to leave them behind with the rest of their squad and go out on his own after Erwin, not to let them die without MEANING. This entire exchange forms what comes to be the crux of Levi’s life philosophy later on. Erwin tells Levi that he can’t let Furlan’s and Isabel’s deaths be meaningless, he can’t let them have died for no reason. He tells Levi that humanity needs his strength, and that if he lends that strength to their cause, then Furlan’s and Isabel’s deaths will gain purpose, that, in spite of it’s horrific tragedy, their sacrifices will matter, because they will have brought Levi to the cause of humanity’s salvation.

Essentially, Erwin plants in Levi the idea that people don’t have to die meaningless deaths. Levi, who grew up in a world where doubtless he saw, day after day, people dying for no reason at all, succumbing to things like disease and starvation and depression and violence, Levi, who grew up doubtless SURROUNDED by meaningless death, is told by this man, whom Levi had meant to kill in his own, misguided attempt to make the lives of his family better, that death doesn’t have to be meaningless at all. That people can die in ways that will make the world a better place for everyone else, that people can die for a cause that makes not just their deaths, but their very existence, meaningful, valuable, important. Erwin plants this idea in Levi’s head, that no matter how ugly, or awful, or cruel, or painful, or seemingly pointless life can be, no matter how unfair or unjust the deaths of those we care for may seem, we can, even if only a little, redeem that cruelty and unfairness and that pain, by making their suffering and their sacrifices count towards something better. Even if that something better is a distant hope, or an unreachable dream, to simply fight for it in the name of those who have endured hardship and lost their lives, is enough to save them from the indignity, shame and hopeless despair of having died forgotten and purposeless. To Levi, who grew up surrounded by meaningless struggle and death, the thought that what we endure and what we suffer doesn’t have to be for nothing must have been a revelation.

This is why I think Levi is so devoted to Erwin, why he follows Erwin with such loyalty and trust. It isn’t because of some silly bond due to his bloodline, or because he’s “in love” with Erwin. It’s because Erwin made Levi believe that life, and death, could both hold something better than the desperate suffering of his childhood. It’s why Levi thinks of Erwin as someone with a great, far reaching vision that Levi himself could never grasp. Because he considered this thing that Levi himself never had, that a person’s life and death, both, could be given meaning through the continued actions those still living take in their name. That WE can give their lives and deaths meaning. Erwin’s ability to see that made Levi believe in him, and his ability to lead humanity to salvation. Erwin’s words to Levi that day essentially rescued him from the depressing and brutal darkness of his own life experiences. They made everything Levi had suffered up to then gain meaning. No longer did Levi feel he’d lived such a hard and painful life for no reason other than his own misery. No longer did Furlan’s and Isabel’s deaths have to have meant nothing and gained nothing. Levi could take all of that, could take all of the pain and grief and sadness, and make it into something which would give it reason. He could use it to form something which could have value for others. Erwin’s words help pull Levi up from an existence of pure suffering and loss, and instead tell Levi that those things he’s gone through, those losses he’s experienced, those trials he’s endured, weren’t for nothing.

We see Levi apply this philosophy to almost everything he does throughout SnK thereafter, in which he tries with uncompromising determination to make sure every loss suffered, every sacrifice made, every action taken, is done so with meaning, with purpose, with reason. Whether that be the lives of his comrades being lost in the fight for humanity’s freedom, or Historia needing to step up and take her rightful place as Queen, or his squad having to take the lives of other people to survive, or the numerous lives given to protect Eren, all of it is only tolerable to Levi so long as he believes there is MEANING behind it all, that there is a greater good to be achieved, that it will all lead to a better life for humanity all around. For someone like Levi, who grew up in such utter depravation and abject poverty, in a world of ruthless and uncaring violence, where his own life was deemed by society to have no worth or value at all, the import of being able to believe in something better, in a better world, where all that suffering didn’t have to happen for nothing, can’t be overstated. It was like his one, shining light to be found in an otherwise pitch black world, and when he saw it, Levi grasped it with both hands and never let it go.

It speaks too to Levi’s own, inherent idealism, I believe, that he was ABLE to believe the words coming from Erwin’s mouth, when everything in his life up to that point should have crushed any sort of idealistic fancy from him. Levi wanted to believe it. His own, innate kindness is what allowed him to. I don’t think Levi ever fully believed life to be hopeless, or pointless, even before he met Erwin. It’s why he was able to form bonds with people like Furlan and Isabel, why he did everything he could to help them, to make their lives better, to take care of them, and to help other orphans and delinquents in the Underground. That he was able to open his heart up to the possibility of friendship and family, and have in him the desire to help those in need, even as it was already a struggle just to keep himself alive, is proof of Levi’s always pure and giving heart. I think Levi has always desired to make the lives of others better, to do all he could to help others, to protect those who couldn’t protect themselves, and to give value to the lives of those deemed worthless by society. I think Levi’s always held that kind of compassion and caring and kindness in him, that he’s always just been naturally inclined towards helping others, and wanting to improve their circumstances. I think where Levi probably struggled was in believing he could achieve those things on his own, or at all. In believing the plausibility of those dreams, or the value in even harboring such secret desires for something so idealistic. In believing even in the possibility. Life, after all, had shown him nothing but the opposite. What Erwin did for Levi was make him believe in the possibility of his own power to make a difference, and validate his hope as something more than just fancy, turning it to something tangible, something he could work towards and achieve with his own, two hands. Surrounded by so much pain and suffering without purpose, Erwin gave Levi the realization that, even if he had power in nothing else, he had the power to give the sacrifices and suffering of others meaning. He had the power to make sure the lives of others were worth something more. Erwin didn’t make Levi a better person. Levi was ALWAYS a good person. What Erwin did was give Levi the ability to believe himself capable of making the difference he always wanted to make. He gave Levi the ability to genuinely, truly hope.

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #Levi Ackerman #Erwin Smith #meta #thoughts

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all-my-love-for-harry · 4 years

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Delicate. — Part 2.

word count: 2.8k

a/n: Part 2, let’s gooo. as always, feedback is very much appreciated! Let me know what you think or what you would like to see next. thank you for reading!

catch up here!

"Stupid cheesecake recipe."

"Over baking wasn't exactly on the recipe, J."

"Oh, shut up. Yours is dry as fuck."

Y/n opened her mouth, pretending to be offended. The pair was currently having a little baking competition that clearly went wrong since none of them can bake. Now, Y/n was pretty good at cooking in general, but for some reason baking just wasn't her thing. And obviously, it wasn't Jensen's thing either.

"I hope you clean this mess after you're done." The truth was, Louise wasn't surprised by the mess her children had made and didn't mind it either. The age difference between both of them was big, so growing up there wasn't much they could do to bond. Right now, however, they were so much closer than they were before, and Jensen and Y/n had more things in common and more options of activities they could do together, like baking.

Even if they were bad at it.

"I invited Harry and Sarah tonight. They're having dinner with us." Louise spoke again, grabbing a rag and starting to wipe off the flour on the kitchen island.

"Who's Sarah?" Y/n asked, cleaning the flour on her left cheek. She tried to ignore the growing butterflies in her stomach at the mention of Harry. She'd be lying if she said she hasn't thought about him since their last encounter, even went as far as trying to look for him on the internet but she got nothing. But the mention of another woman made her feel confused. Was he married or something? Don't blame her, the guy wears a lot of rings.

"The owner of that cat café I took you to the other day. She's great, don't worry."

Jensen nudged her playfully, and she rolled her eyes in return. "I'll take a shower." She announced before marching out of the kitchen and up the stairs to her old room. She wanted to clean herself up before Harry arrived, although she didn't know why. Looking through the clothes she kept at her mother's house, she settled in a plain, long blue dress with spaghetti straps and a pair of sandals. She didn't want to look overdressed but also didn't want to just wear a pair of sweatpants like she's been wearing all afternoon.

"Do you remember when mom tried to set me up with that girl who worked at the restaurant on the other side of town?" Jensen entered the room without knocking, running his fingers through his hair. He was also fresh out of the shower.

"Madison?" Jensen hummed in response. "She was nice. Why did you stop going out with her?"

"Because mom only did it because she thought I was lonely.?"

"What's your point?" She looked at him after grabbing a hairbrush from the vanity.

"That she's doing the same now with Harry? Duh."

"Woah, I've met the man once. And I've tried going out with people she sets me up with, and we never click."

Y/n tried to play it cool when she heard the gates open, busying herself with whatever as the doorbell rang and Louise hurried towards the door. Harry and a gorgeous brunette stepped into the house, smiling widely at the middle-aged woman.

"Come on in! I'm so glad you could make it."

"You have a lovely home, Louise." Harry's deep voice along with that accent of his sent shivers down Y/n's spine. She had a weak spot for British people and she didn't know why.

"I'm sorry Mitch couldn't make it." The woman beside Harry said.

"Oh, it's okay. There's always next time."

The three of them walked into the living room where everyone else was sitting. Jensen stood up and high-fived Harry before giving Sarah a side hug. A smirk appeared on Harry's face as Y/n came into his view. "Hello again, love."

"Hi, Harry." Y/n returned his little salute. "Azaleas are doing great, by the way." She jokingly said.

"Knew you would keep them alive." He gave her a little wink before giving her a quick hug.

Sarah introduced herself and Y/n did the same, accepting her hand to shake. Y/n had to admit, she was really pretty. Along with her brown hair, she had a pair of blue eyes and an inviting smile. If Harry was really dating Sarah, then he was a lucky man.

Throughout the dinner, Y/n didn't say much. She'd occasionally steal little glazes at Harry and admired how gorgeous he looked tonight. It was funny, Y/n had this feeling in her tummy every time she's seen him, which by the way has only been twice, and she grew nervous out of nowhere. It was almost like she was too shy to speak to him, which was weird considering she was a pro at holding conversations as she's been trained to do so. Sometimes she'd stare for too long and Harry would notice and smile her way. Y/n felt like a teenager with a highschool crush. She tried to convince herself she didn't like him that way and she was just taken back at how pretty he was.

Dinner was over and Harry insisted on helping with the dishes despite Louise's protests. So now it was just Y/n and Harry in the kitchen putting everything in the dishwasher while sipping on white wine.

"How can you put ice on it?" Harry asked, nodding at her glass filled with wine and ice. "When the ice melts it just tastes like water."

"I like it really cold but I don't like keeping the bottles in the freezer." She explained, taking a sip from her glass. "So how do you know Sarah?"

"She was the first friend I made when I came here. She's also British so we became fast friends. Plus, he's dating my best friend and co-worker."

"Oh." She said, processing the information. Perhaps that Mitch guy Sarah mentioned was her boyfriend and not Harry. Suddenly, she felt a wave of relief but then again, why?

"Can I say something without sounding creepy?"

"S-sure?"

"My sister is a massive fan of yours. When we still lived with my mum, you were all she listened to."

"I'm sorry." She joked and he breathed a laugh. "Well, tell her I say hi, please."

"Will do."

"So..." She dragged the word. "You knew who I was?"

"Obviously I don't live under a rock." He rolled his eyes playfully. "I'm just not invested in that whole world as other people, you know? I don't even own an Instagram account or anything." Harry shrugged.

So that's why she couldn't find him anywhere, she thought. A feeling of excitement ran through her veins. Harry knew who she was, but he didn't care. Being treated like a normal person was a luxury Y/n didn't have anymore, so it was safe to say she felt happy knowing he'd treat her like one.

They finished the task in silence, but Y/n couldn't contain the little smile forming on her face and honestly, Harry couldn't either.

She was curious about him. What was he doing in her hometown if he was from the other side of the world? What did he do in his free time? Where did he get so many cool rings? Did he always want to be a florist? Why was he a florist? She had a million questions she wanted to ask, feeling genuinely intrigued by him. Harry could easily come off as an intimidating man, but what she has noticed from him was completely different.

Harry was shy, incredibly so. But he was also cheeky, and silly and had a boyish smile that he could change into an intense look in a matter of seconds if he wanted to. His green eyes were always shiny, like stars in a black sky. He also appeared to be always happy, although she couldn't be certain on that one.

The things she was feeling right now were things she's never experienced before and that was both exciting and terrifying.

"I never trust a narcissist." Y/n tasted the new lyrics she's been thinking about with a random melody on the piano. She sat in front of the instrument in her living room and this time she didn't have to squeeze her brain for one decent melody, because this time she was able to come up with one smoothly.

Pandora was casually laying down on the floor close to Y/n while Lizzie was chilling around the house as she didn't like the sound of the piano that much. This was one of those nights when inspiration came to Y/n from nowhere, having to drag herself out of the comfiness of her bed before she forgot what her brain had come up with. She continued adding lyrics, making sure her phone was still recording everything she was doing.

It had been a few days since she's seen her family or had any kind of human interaction and now that she was thinking about it, she kind of missed it. Now, she loved her family to pieces and would do absolutely anything for them but she missed her friends, her real friends who were thousands of miles away from her right now. She was craving that more than anything right now and that's probably why she found herself in front of The Blossom House the morning after, debating whether or not entering the shop.

Deciding to suck it up, she opened the door of the building and stepped in, feeling the overwhelming smell of flowers hit her nostrils immediately. There were a few people in the shop, a young boy buying a bouquet of red roses and two middle-aged women that looked like they came together. Y/n tried to go unnoticed as she stepped deeper into the store. The truth was, she didn't know what she was doing there. She didn't need more flowers, that's for sure.

She looked through her sunglasses a bouquet of daisies her mother would absolutely die for, so she decided to grab it for her.

"Oop, sorry. That one's not done yet." Someone said from behind. She turned around and saw a man with long hair tied in a low bun and a mustache on his face. "It's a commission, actually. But I can make another one for you."

"Oh, it's fine. I'll just pick something else." She gave him a polite smile. The name on the tag read Mitch, so he must be Sarah's boyfriend. "Uh... weird question but, is Harry around?"

"Yeah, he's in the back. Want me to get him for you?" He offered but she declined.

"It's okay. Thank you." Giving him one last smile she walked away to the other side of the room, this time looking at the roses. The white ones were her favorites and she loved looking at them.

"Hey, stranger." Taking advantage of the fact he couldn't see her, she smiled widely at the sound of his voice. "Fancy seeing you here." As soon as she turned around she saw the goofy dimpled smile on his face.

"Likewise, do you work here by any means?" She smirked as he giggled, deciding to play along.

"Darling, I own the place."

"An entrepreneur, oh my god." She pretended to fan herself with the palm of her hand and Harry let out a big laugh.

"What brings you here? More flowers?" Something tells her he knew she wasn't here for the flowers, and it was true, as much as she wanted to tell herself she wanted a new bouquet for her mom. In reality, she wanted to see him. "Has something caught your eye so far?"

"There was this bouquet of daisies but a man told me it was for a commission?" Her words came off more like a question.

"Oh, yes. Mitch's been working on that for a few hours now. I can tell him to make you one like that if you want. Could be done in a couple of hours."

"That would be great. I could swing by in a while to get it."

"Orrrrr, we could wait for it over a cup of coffee?"

She observed him for a while and how the dimples never disappeared from his face as he waited for her answer. He seemed confident and she really liked that. "Sounds fun." She shrugged before a smile appeared on her face, matching his.

"Let me tell Mitch and we'll go." He said before rushing to the back of the store and returning shortly after without his apron. "Would you prefer to go to Sarah's? Because there's this one, half block away that serves good coffee."

"Let's try that one." Honestly, she'd walk whatever blocks if that meant they'd spend more time together. "As much as I loved going to Sarah's, seeing all those kittens at once makes me cry."

"I feel the same. I always take my mum there when she comes to visit, last time she came she adopted one." He mentioned. A car passed at low speed, making Y/n nervous. She tried to cover her face as much as she could with her hair and fixing her sunglasses. "Is everything okay?" Harry asked, noticing her change of behavior.

"Uh? Oh, yes. I thought someone was watching from that car." She said in a low voice. What happened next, she would've never expected. Harry pushed her gently to the other side of the sidewalk, changing places with her so his much taller frame would cover hers.

She blushed, looking up at him but he acted like it wasn't a big deal, like it was a natural thing to do although they didn't even know each other that well. She thought he'd tell her she was being paranoid or something but instead, he chose to do something he thought would make her feel more at ease. And it worked.

Harry held the door open for her when they arrived, guiding her to a table away from the windows and pulled out the chair for her to sit, being an absolute gentleman with her. And although Y/n insisted, Harry went for their coffees and paid for them as well, saying he was the one who invited her hence he'd be the one who pays.

Once they were settled with their own cups of coffee, they started talking. Mostly about Harry, Y/n still didn't feel comfortable enough to talk about herself and he understood so he let her ask him anything she desired.

"Do you go to England often?"

"Not as much as I'd like to. I try to go during summer and for the holidays, of course. Although for birthdays and such, I'm not always able to fly there."

"You must miss your family a lot." From what she's gathered about him, he was a family guy, so being away from his must be tough. She knew it was for her.

"I do. But I also love it here."

"Do you see yourself going back?"

"To London? Probably not. I have gotten used to being in the states so if I ever move back there full time I'd feel out of place."

She nodded along, listening to him carefully. Harry had a beautiful voice and he spoke slowly so it made it even more soothing than it already was. She swore this man could read her a bedtime story and she'd be out in the first minutes.

They talked for some more and bought another cup of coffee for the walk back to the flower shop. They were having a great time, and although they wouldn't say it out loud, none of them wanted it to end. So it was safe to say they both felt a little sad once they arrived at The Blossom House.

"Let me get the bouquet for you." Harry told her after they entered. He came back with a replica of the bouquet of daisies she saw earlier and she smiled. "It's on the house, tell Louise I say hi."

"You don't have to gift me flowers every time I come, you know that right?" She chuckled but grabbed the bouquet regardless.

"I know I don't have to but who says I don't want to?" He wiggled his eyebrows playfully, grinning at her.

"Thank you, Harry. For the coffee and the flowers."

"You're very welcome. I, uh, I had a great time today." He said, blushing a little.

"Me too."

"Do you think we could do it again some other time?" He asked hesitantly.

"I'd love to, honestly." Y/n admitted, starting to blush as well.

"So can I have your number or I'd have to wait until you come again?" He asked teasingly. "Swear I'll not sell it on e-bay."

"Can you even sell a telephone number on e-bay?" She asked, laughing as she took her phone out of her bag, handing it to him. "Feel free to text yourself so you could have mine too."

"I'll use it wisely, I promise."

"What do you mean?"

"Perhaps not only for coffee but for a nice dinner."

Yeah, she definitely hoped he'd do that.

Tag list: @reverse-hxlland @cronias13

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remuswave · 3 years

Text

All I Wanted Was You: Karl Jacobs x Deity of The Inbetween! Reader

Summary: (Y/N) falls in love with a mortal, gets too close, and gets hurt.

Warning: Angst with a bad ending, mentions of murder, timeline skipping? and probably some strong language

Pronouns:They/Them

Divider By: @tenshiikisu

“Hi, I’m Karl, what’s your name?”

They smiled fondly.

“(Y/N)”

They never knew they could miss something like a silly introduction so much. Maybe it was because they knew it would never be experienced by them again. Other people would have his attention focused on them, even if just for a greeting. They were Icarus, flying too close to the sun, and falling to their demise.

There were other time travelers, but none as captivating as him. They recognized how fatiguing it could be to travel to different times and places constantly, and completely outside of your own will. But somehow, this one ‘Karl, his mortal name is’ maintained a shocking sense of self, as well as optimistic spirits. They longed to be a part of a timeline where they could be together, whether romantically or platonically.

As a deity, they were not meant to form attachments, especially with mortals. They knew that even talking to mortals was dangerous, so why they decided to form a friendship with one is a mystery. Maybe it was the idea of having an escape from the monotony of their position. One could understand why a being could get a bit tired of little to no change for hundreds, if not thousands of years.

So they sought out that change. They began to follow him to the dimensions he traversed. They’d install themselves as a main character in the story he was telling, so they could form some sort of short-lived bond with him. Shockingly, their higher gods, the ones who created the Inbetween they reside in, permitted this behavior. They allowed the younger deity to form these superficial bonds, so long as they followed a single order.

“You may not pursue nonplatonic bonds with this traveler, or any after him. You can continue befriending him in universes apart from his own, but anything beyond that…”

“Anything beyond that and we will erase his memories of your presence altogether. He will forget every timeline you enter with him, and he will never be able to interact with you here, in The Inbetween.”

They knew what the consequences were. They knew it would hurt them. Yet they still chased after him. Everything was fine, they would become his friend in all his stories, they would watch with glee as he wrote in his books, knowing that they were apart of it. This all worked out fine, until it didn’t.

Diary #3

There’s always one constant when I travel, and that’s (Y/N)

They’re always in the timelines I visit, and they always go to befriend me each time.

Could they be like me? Are they a time traveler too?

I should see if I can find them, in the present.

Do they even exist in this time?

I’m going to find out

It’d be nice to have someone who understands for once.

I could show them my library.

This made (Y/N)’s heart flutter. He wanted to get to know them? He wanted to show them his library, one of the most important things he has? Their mind raced with thoughts about what this might mean. Does he feel the same way I do? Is this what mortals call love? I should reveal myself to him, I could be closer to him if only I-

They then remembered the deal they had, they may not befriend him in his own time. Their heart sank, this was their chance, they could’ve been more than a character, they could be a companion. The idea warmed them, to be his companion.

They debated internally until they realized Karl had left the room, he no longer wrote in front of them but had left the secret room, presumably to meet with one of his friends. They huffed and brought themselves back to The Inbetween, where they proceeded to sulk, watching travelers come and go, dazed from the fatigue of traveling through time, to different dimensions.

They continued to join Karl in his adventures through time, until one incident where they forgot themselves. They got too close to the sun, and they fell.

“Oh god, the lights are going out again,” (Y/N) called out in frustration. They were having a conversation with Karl, and they felt they were finally getting close to him. Lyaria had been found dead, and the group suspected (Y/N), as they had been the one to hide in the ballroom. Karl had taken them to the secret room, to discuss their supposed guilt, but was cut short by the lights going out, meaning somebody was going to get murdered. He looked past them and his eyes seemed to be following something. “We need to go, now,” he said urgently. Before they could respond, Karl was pulling them to the upstairs bathroom. “Let’s hide in the bathtub,” They suggested, and Karl nodded. As they sat with their legs tangled from the lack of space, Karl whispered “I know you’re not from here. You’re like me, aren’t you?” (Y/N)’s eyes widened. How could they respond to that? “I… not, exactly? You’re right I’m not from here, I’m, from a complicated place. I’m a deity, and I’ve been keeping my eye on you. That sounded creepy, I just meant that I wanted to make sure you stayed safe and I-” He cut them off “No, no, I get what you mean. You just wanted to help, I appreciate it. It’s comforting to have someone to share this with.” He had smiled at them then, and they realized how close their faces had gotten. They kept staring at his lips, and they thought of all the daydreams they had involving him. All of which were completely inaccessible to them. Their eyes locked onto his, and suddenly he had gripped their face in his hands and pulled them towards him. They captured their lips in his, and for that moment everything was enchanting. They had finally felt the feeling that human literature went on and on about. The fluttering in their abdomen, the warmth that spread throughout their body, the overwhelming contentedness. For that moment, they were just a normal person, kissing the boy they liked. They pulled apart and stared into each other’s eyes for a moment. They smiled at him but then felt their vision go blurry and they realized their mistake. Their body began to slump as the world fell away.

That was the last time they ever got to see Karl. Well, that’s not exactly true. They could always see him, they just couldn’t touch him. Or speak to him. Or have his precious giggle directed at them again. The worst part is, they never got to speak about it with their superiors. they never brought it up, and they were terrified to bring it up . So, they sat and watched as he forgot all of their adventures, the kiss they shared, their presence entirely. It hurt so bad.

It was even worse when he got engaged.

Not only did he forget them, he also fell in love with other people. They couldn’t even be mad, they were wonderful people. They felt genuine love for him, and they kept him safe. They fell back into the monotony guarding the dimension came with, and tried to push away the pain.

After all, they only had themselves to blame.

#karl jacobs x reader #karl jacobs #tales from the smp #dsmp #dreamsmp x reader #dream smp #im prob making a part two lmao #sock writes

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sizzlingpatrolfox · 2 years

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Today I was looking through the BTS twitter randomly and it was almost jarring how their ot7 fun and silliness dwindled down. They used to all take pictures of/with eachother for fun and seemed so goofy. You could really see their bonds with each other and it was so lovely to witness. I think the pandemic really affected a lot of people and BTS members are human before theyre idols so its understandable even more so for them that they also experienced burn out. I often wonder how hard it must be to have your friendships observed and scrutinized on such a massive scale. For me I used to be relatively extroverted and had a lot of energy. I would always hang out with friends and post all over social media for no reason at all. But with circumstances in my personal life/my mental health I’ve become more introverted and more of a homebody. I also gradually stopped posting on Social media too simply because I didn’t care for it anymore. I still love all of my friends and we’ve grown up with each other, but I’m now in a space where I’ve been relearning who I am, and enjoying my own company. I have the fortune of essentially being a nobody lol and so I can endure this privately. I wonder if BTS members are experiencing growing pains too and how that must feel in the public eye. I know the members all love eachother and relate to eachother in a way that no one else in the world will ever understand, but I do think that their on camera/ social media dynamics have shifted. I used to be very worried about jimin, when he stopped posting I felt so sad and like my heart was in my throat, but If he is going through the same thing I am, I can imagine he must feel at peace just doing his own thing and posting what he wants/when he wants to. I just hope that they’re all doing alright mentally and emotionally

I know, yeah. Obviously the goofiness dies down as you grow older, or you reserve it for when you're around a few close people. Most people make that decision of what parts of themselves they wanna show depending on who they're with. It happens to all of us who are nobodies and don't have much to prove to anyone. BTS have a lot to prove about themselves.. They're pretty, rich and straight men on record, they're privileged but they also have to continuously prove themselves to keep all that. As much as they're steering the wheels on their own lives, they're pretty much also steering the wheels on the other member's lives, professionaly speaking. So, they want to be taken seriously. Personal lives and personal relationships aren't always serious or pretty, tho. So it's understandable they'd show less and less of that as their fame grows. I personally started noticing that a lot in JK and Jimin's "public" image after their 2019 break. I'm sure the other members also went through similar "filtering" of what they posted on social media and what they talked about, but I have to be honest... I wasn't paying much attention to the rest of them, so I only noticed it in JK and Jimin.

There are people who get to keep their riches, their status, their fame and all even while doing whatever, I mean just look at how Kanye is behaving and apart from some viral tweets and memes, nobody is actually crucifying him for acting like an abusive stalker ex husband towards Kim K. For people like BTS tho, one wrong step and it would affect them. They're not the type of celebrities that can get away with murder, in terms of media and in terms of credibility. People would use whatever to discredit them, and even "goofiness" could make others say they're not serious artists. If we, as outsiders can consider all of this, they definitely consider it too.

That's one thing to have in mind. There are other things, too..

Yeah, COVID changed a lot for sure, and as far Jimin goes, I can speak confidently about it because he has said himself that things have changed. In his birthday live last year, people focused on JK being there and how cute and fun it was, but the things Jimin talked about were actually kind of sad. He said he didn't feel close to the fans, and he compared how close he felt in the first years to how he feels now. He's always been very reflexive but in the past year he has talked very especifically about how running helped him not think at all and live healthily. He didn't elaborate but he also said something very sad like "I've been letting go and repeating that process". I'm too lazy to open the live and quote it word by word, but it was something like that. It can't everything be a coincidence... What has been letting go of?

COVID shifted the timeline for them. They've talked before about how they always had their schedules planned a year ahead. If it was May 2017, they already knew exactly what they'd be doing in January 2018. Quarantine and all didn't actually allow them to make long term plans. One of them (I think it was Jimin, actually?) mentioned how last year they had to continuously have meetings to discuss possible concert venues and dates and countries and how it changed accordingly to pandemic restrictions and all that.

So because of everything, because to some extent I understand the feeling of uncertainty, I understand if Jimin wants to "let go" of army and/or BTS as we know it, or if he doesn't feel close to the fans anymore as to actually make an effort to connect with us. Even if it hurts and it is affecting the way I feel about him and the group as a whole, I can't and I have never really judged him for it. Like, yes, I feel miserable because I miss things as they were, and because I have felt the puppy love I felt for him and BTS go from 100 to 40 in the span of like five months, and it's hard to feel excited about the near future whereas BTS is concerned, but in the end my feelings are just mine to deal with. I will just have to adjust... I've been adjusting. I've been feeling "disconnection" between the members and between BTS and us for a long while now, and this break just made it even more obvious for me.

I'm not too concerned with him posting a selfie or not, to be honest. Recently, there was a clip on twitter of him in a 2020 live talking about how he told his friends he wanted to go to the beach and his friends came and picked him up and took him to the beach but there were no waves so they sat by the sea and played wave sounds on their phones while laughing, and I was so warmed by him telling the little anecdote. You don't get that from a picture. Even if he never posts a picture again as long as he lives, I hope he will keep telling those little stories about his life. The other members might post a lot, but you don't actually get them sharing stories about themselves or their loved ones. I'm geniunely afraid that will change too with Jimin. I'm afraid he'll stop sharing stuff like that.

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themoonandotherslikeit · 3 years

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Yo gimmeh some delicious coda for 15x18 to mend my bittersweet heart

Be careful what you wish for Giulia

This is some Destiel trash, with loads of angst. Enjoy.

You can read on A03 here.

They’re Just Words

“Everybody's gonna die, Cas, everybody. I can't stop it. She's gonna get through that door.”

Desperation.

“I know.” The answer wasn’t exactly helpful, but he didn’t know what he expected, either. There wasn’t a good answer, if any answer at all.

“And she's gonna kill you, and then she's gonna kill me. I'm sorry.”

There were so many times that his hands were tied, that he couldn’t do enough, that he couldn’t save anyone.

I’m sorry.

The words didn’t seem like enough. No words seemed like enough when it came to Cas. Dean had lost Castiel over and over again. He lost him before, but there was always that sliver of hope that he would be back, because a life without Castiel wasn’t a life. It was just a movement, hands on a clock spinning meaninglessly. He had done it before. He’d lived a painful, pointless life, holding onto an old trench coat. He had laid in bed at night wondering what if.

What if he had been stronger? What if he had said what he was thinking? What if he wasn’t such a goddamn coward?

But at the end of the day, it didn’t make a difference. Castiel was an angel. He was crafted by Chuck, a thousand times over. He was just another tool for Dean’s own destruction. It didn’t matter that Cas seemed to see him in a way that no one else had in his entire life. It didn’t matter what he felt - what he thought he felt.

It was too damn late. It was always too late. He didn’t even have the time to kick himself for not being braver, because what fucking difference would it make?

He was going to die and Cas was going to die, and really in that moment nothing else fucking mattered. The world was cruel. It was crafted by a sadist that loved to watch Dean’s heart crack and break inside of his chest. Chuck had let him die and brought him back more than he ever deserved. But that was the thing, he always brought back Cas, too. It was something he could always count on. Not this time. He wasn’t God’s favorite anymore. He wasn’t the righteous man that Cas pulled from Hell. He didn’t recognize himself when he looked in the mirror.

He’d spent his entire life questioning everything. This moment was no different.

Except it was.

“Wait, there is... There's one thing she's afraid of. There's... There's one thing strong enough to stop her.” Dean always knew when Cas’ head was spinning. He loved to watch the wheels turn in the angel’s head. It was like the cogs were clicking in place, as the realizations brightened his eyes. “When Jack was dying, I... I made a deal to save him.”

This shouldn’t have been a surprise, a shock that made Dean’s stomach twist. They made deals all the time, sacrifices, they were martyrs. But yet, looking at Cas, and hearing the words come out of his mouth made Dean lightheaded. As if he didn’t have enough to worry about. I made a deal.

“You what?” He couldn’t breathe. The words hooked in the back of his throat and even though he wanted to yell, or shake him, or sob, all he did was stand there, mouth agape like a fucking fish.

“The... The price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever.”

Happiness? How was that even relevant?

“Why are you telling me this now?”

The look on his face told Dean everything he needed to know.

He didn’t need to hear it, as much as he wanted to hear it, he didn’t know what it could possibly help. It was a silent agreement that they had from the beginning. They didn’t say it. Not that. Not those words. They weren’t enough, anyway. How could anyone put simple letters together to mean what they meant to each other?

Every time he thought it his stomach would twist. He could hear John outside of the drag club when he was a kid. Men don’t do that. Ya hear me, Dean? Real men don’t do that queer shit.

Boys don’t kiss boys.

The only men you love are your brother and your father, and never like that. No exception.

Dean's heart picked up in his chest, his mouth cotton dry as he met Cas’ own wet, ocean eyes. He saw his entire life in those beautiful blue eyes. Every word that he was too fucking scared to say out loud floated in Cas’ eyes.

“I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what... what my true happiness could even look like.”

He was begging, screaming, sobbing inside of his head. No, Cas. Don’t say it. You can’t say it.

They agreed. Maybe not out loud, maybe not in actuality, but they had the moment he put the second side table from his bed away when Cas wasn’t human.

Their chance was gone . It was a pipe dream. The apple pie life wasn’t for him anyway. Especially not with an angel.

“I never found an answer,” Cas continued, his eyes baring into Dean’s like he needed Dean to listen. “Because the one thing I want... it's something I know I can't have. But I think I know... I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being . It's in just saying it.”

One last chance for absolution. One last chance to take it all back, to hold it in, to not give in to the one thing they can never take back. Hearts are in a cage for a reason, Dean thought, they ain’t supposed to be so goddamned exposed. “What are you talking about, man?” There was a deep ache within Dean that he knew no amount of alcohol, and repression would heal. They were teetering a line, and once it was crossed there was no going back.

“I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean.” Cas chuckled, pained and teary eyed like the entire world was crushing him - because it probably was. “You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken. You're... You're Daddy's Blunt Instrument . And you think hate and anger, that's... that's what drives you. That's who you are. It's not .”

Castiel. The ethereal being. The angel. God’s soldier. The one who plucked him from Hell and could certainly throw his ass back in. Why he hadn’t done it before was completely confusing to Dean Winchester.

We have a more profound bond.

Every time Dean tried to throw himself into the fire, Cas was right there next to him. At first he assumed it was Cas taking responsibility. He was doing the right thing like he always had. It didn’t have anything to do with Dean or their supposed bond .

What a fucking fool he was.

Cas took a step forward, blood dripping from his palm, and Dean had to wonder why it wasn’t healing. It was like time had slowed down just for them, and in that moment they were impenetrable. Even the pounding of Billie’s angry fist on the door had dulled into the beat of his heart. “And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love.”

There it was. The word that meant everything and nothing. The word he could never bring himself to say, not even to his little brother, or to Charlie, or Jack - or the one person that he loved more than he thought was possible. It was a fucking joke! How could four little letters do enough?

“You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.”

But as he looked at Cas, the reality of Cas’ words settled on him like new fallen snow. It wasn’t about the significance of the word. It was about saying something .

“You know, ever since we met and ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean.” His voice was cracking and breaking, falling out of his beautiful lips. He smiled through his tears and something horribly painful settled inside of Dean.

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” He had to ask, even though he already knew the answer.

The pain was unimaginable as it settled onto him. He felt the grains of sand between them, the time they had slipping through his fingers. He grabbed for Cas, but every breath in his chest was labored as the air shifted in the room. It was almost like a hunger enveloping them, circling around them.

It was loneliness, solitude, emptiness.

“Because it is.”

Cas’ hand reached out, touching Dean’s cheek. His hand was damp from blood, but Dean didn’t care. It was warm, and it throbbed with the beat of his heart. He didn’t realize before, that Angel’s hearts beat. The realization was a little earth shattering. He leaned against Cas’ hand, because why the fuck not? No one was watching. Everything was ending. Endings were the worst part. He could take a breath. He deserved that much.

The angel’s thumb traced Dean’s cheekbone and they looked into each other’s eyes.

It felt silly, now, everything that Dean had worried about up until that point. His life wasn’t his own. Everything was written for him. His feelings were not his own.

Had he really believed that absolute crock of shit?

How did he look in Castiel’s eyes and believe that this wasn’t real? That this was wrong.

“I love you.”

He said it like it was true, like maybe it was the only thing in his life that was true.

His jaw trembled.

Castiel loved him. He loved Dean . Even though he was broken, even though he was unworthy, even though his father always told him that it was dirty. He loved Dean anyway.

Dean half wanted to ask him to repeat it, to clarify. Okay you love me, yeah buddy I love you, too. You’re family. You me and Sam.

But that wasn’t what Castiel was saying, and if he could make the words come out of his mouth it would be an insult to the man standing in front of him.

He’s done that enough.

“Don't do this, Cas,” he begged.

Don’t change things. Don’t hurt me. Don’t leave me.

The angel stroked his lip with his thumb this time, slowly, desperately. It was like he was memorizing it. The room trembled under their feet. “Cas,” Dean breathed and before he could talk himself out of it, he pulled Cas close. Their chests brushed, and his arms wrapped around Cas and his stupid trench coat that he’s been wearing for way too long.

And Dean kissed him.

It had to be a sight, if there was anyone around to see. And he would’ve wondered if Chuck was cursing or cheering wherever the fuck he was. He would’ve wondered it if his mind hadn’t been screaming like a teenage girl.

I’m kissing Castiel!

He felt Cas’ lips curve into a smile as he pressed closer. A warm, soft moment of bliss before everything collapsed around them like it always did.

For a second, as Cas pulled back, his breath tickling Dean’s lips, that tingled with electricity and warmth, Dean thought that maybe love would be enough this time. That maybe those weirdo Ghost Facers were right, and two men professing their love for each other would be enough.

“You gonna make me say it?”

“No I…”

“Because I’ll fuckin’ say it. I’ll bitch the whole time, because this ain’t natural for me. Strap a bomb to my chest, send me to the moon, sell my soul… that shit is easy , Cas. way easier than this.” He pulled back, placing his hands on Cas’ shoulders. He squeezed them gently. “But you… You were different, man. You always were. There was somethin’ about you being an angel… immortal. I couldn’t lose you. There was a steadiness to that. I could count on you. You weren’t like the rest. I was a fool, because I seriously thought the only way you can lose a person is by death.”

Dean laughed and shook his head. Cas’ eyebrows came together. Confused as always. His beautiful angel.

“I’ve lost you a thousand times, Cas, and every time it happened I kicked myself for not bein’ brave. And now here you are… sayin’ everything that I’m too damn scared to say in my head, let alone out loud.”

“I know what you mean, Dean.”

“I know you do, but you deserve more, Cas. You’ve lived a millenia, and if I can’t even give you the one thing you need then what’s the point of me?”

“Knowing you was always enough.”

Heartbroken.

“No it wasn’t, Cas. Otherwise you would be gone already, right?”

Love wouldn’t heal them. It would destroy them.

A tear rolled down Cas’ cheek. “I think you’re right.”

“I thought… if anyone can survive the apocalypse it’d be you.”

“Dean…”

“Don’t go,” his voice cracked, his knees weak. Why was it always them? Why did he always have to give up everything. Why couldn’t he just have this one thing?

“I…”

“I love you, Castiel,” Dean whispered, absolutely defeated. “Always have. Nothin’ else matters. I love you, you hear me? Sorry it took me so long to say it.”

The angel pressed his palm to Dean’s shoulder, and the long-faded scar tingled. The ground rumbled, the space behind Cas ripping, darkness pouring out, thick like tar.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

“Cas!”

He called out like it mattered, like it made a difference, like the empty wouldn’t always have ripped Cas out of his arms before he could even process that he was holding him.

Dean Winchester was left there, on his knees alone, his heart hurting from the spell - and everything else - left with not even a soul left to pray to.

#destiel #supernatural #re-write #angst #mine #otp #LOVE #aw #sad #UGH #spn #fanfiction #writing

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atlas-of-a-human-soul · 4 years

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Fix Me (doctor/soulmate AU) {6}

Summary: Knowing the truth, Y/N wants to force Ethan to confess and in her attempt to prank him into doing it, she realizes the joke’s on her.

Warnings: angst, fluff, swearing, talk of depression and anxiety

Word count: 4700+

Fix Me (doctor/soulmate AU) series Masterlist

A/N - heavily inspired by Grey’s anatomy, my own experiences and thoughts, but also by songs: Birdy - Not about angels, Bear’s den - Fortress, Matthew and the atlas - Out of the darkness, Harry Styles - Falling, Kodaline - Wherever you are, Isak Danielson - Love me Wrong, Dove Cameron - Remember me, Tom Odell - Can’t pretend, The XX - Angels, Coldplay - Fix you, Coldplay - The scientist, Elvis Presley - Can’t help falling in love.

I really hope you guys like it! Feedback is always wanted and appreciated, no matter how small or big it is!

If you want to be tagged for future parts, reply down below.

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Eccendentesiast (n.) - someone who hides pain behind a smile

Finding out something that absolutely goes against all you believe in isn’t quite something Y/N expected to happen once she woke up in the place she felt safest in all her existence – Ethan’s bed. She had never thought that something so earth-shattering, so unbelievably life-changing could be hiding in that brain of his she adored so much and while she felt the urge to scream at him, to throw a tantrum, even contemplated burning his damn apartment to the ground, she just sighed instead. There was no fight, no defiance left in her – yet she embarked on a journey, passing the stages of grief within minutes.

First came denial. Her shaky hand covers her mouth to stifle a whimper aching to escape her quivering lips, her breath shallow as she tries to understand. It wasn’t possible, right? She would have known if he were the one, right? Being around him all that time and not knowing? She didn’t know if that was ever recorded or if she is just the worst in detecting the man who is meant to be her soulmate. After all the time they’ve spent together, why would he keep quiet on such an important subject? Why would he have ever lied to her? Well, he didn’t necessarily lie, but he did omit a pretty big truth.

“Will you ever tell me about her?” Her voice is quiet, small, meek. She doesn’t really want to know, or ever hear him talk love with someone other than herself, but that tiny bit of silver in his hair haunts her more than she anticipated.

Ethan wets his lips, the corners of those soft plush rosy colored cushions she craved every minute of every time twitch and she can’t help her stare, nor the odd fixation she has with them. She had never met a human being with lips as perfect as his and she never thought there would ever be a pair of lips she’d be addicted to as much as she is to his. They’re a drug – he is a drug, but he’s the drug she chose and she couldn’t and wouldn’t rehab from.

“Do you want to do a heart transplant with me today?” And typically, in Ethan fashion, Y/N received no answer, however, the way he shifted her attention to anything but her question was effective and she quickly forgot about it altogether.

At least for the day.

Then came anger. How many times did she ask him about his soulmate and he just bribed her into forgetting it? How many times did he have her right in the palm of his hand and he completely disregarded her or her wish to know? Or how about the fact that he knows exactly where she stands on the soulmate connections and he chose to hide it from her? Did he know from the start? Did he know it that night in the bar when she was just a wreck looking to lose the soulmate she happened to stumble upon? She wanted to find a way to wreck that love before it ever began and he was there? He must have seen the silver in her hair appear right before his eyes and yet he continued to flirt like nothing was wrong at all? Why? Why is he so cruel and selfish? Why couldn’t he just tell her the truth? Instead, he got into her bed and her heart and mind and she can’t deny that he’s there to stay. Now she understood his reasoning about pulling out and using condoms…he was afraid she’d get pregnant, not because they might get an STD.

“Fucking asshole.” She mutters under her breath as her eyes focus on her hands in her lap, her head throbbing as she glances back at the door, realizing they must have wised up and went to talk somewhere she can’t hear their lies become truths.

“You really want to use a condom? Don’t guys usually convince girls otherwise?” She rolls her eyes, wishing he would drop the ridiculous request yet all he does is pull his boxers up, much to her dismay.

“I’m not going to risk our health for a momentary pleasure. Y/N, we’re not exclusive and that’s something I’d love to change, but unless you do too, I’m not going in raw anymore.” Emotional blackmail, that’s how she saw it at the time – an ultimatum where he used her horny needs for his own use and while she wasn’t about to completely fall for it, she groaned and parted her thighs to give him a view he would build a shrine to if it didn’t make him feel like a total creep.

“I’m not ready for that. But if it means so much to you, put the condom on and get to work because a certain Grant had stressed me the fuck out and I need to get it out of my system.”

Third came bargaining. Finding excuses for him is incredibly easy for her, trying to make his actions justifiable. After all, didn’t she tell him she wouldn’t be with her soulmate? Didn’t she make it clear she wasn’t interested in ever going down that road after her parents showed her all the wicked ways that bond can work against you? Maybe he was just scared of losing her? Maybe he’s still scared she’d walk away and leave what they’ve built from ground up? But how could he think that after all they’ve been through? After she opened up to him, laid her soul bare? After she resorted to acting as his girlfriend without the official label? She did that to make him happy – everything she did was somehow connected to a smile she hoped to see.

“Look what I got you!” She tosses a surgical cap his way, too fast and off target and with no previous warning so much so he barely grabbed it as it fell toward the ground. Hospital floors may be clean, but they’re not that clean.

“What the? Turtles?” Ethan’s voice went higher as he questioned her choice, even more so when he saw her giggle as if she cracked some major code to his personality and while he found himself confused, he couldn’t help but chuckle to appease her. He could never not smile when she laughs.

“I heard Grayson call you turtleman and I found this the other day and you popped in my mind. You’re the only surgeon I know who doesn’t have his on-brand cap. Thought I’d fix it.” And with that victorious smirk of hers, she left him smiling like an idiot. He never liked customized caps, never wanted one, but she changed that in an instant. Even if it’s silly, he would wear it if it made her happy. Always.

But when depression settled in, she was defeated. There was no way around a fundamental concern that hounded her brain. What if Ethan only loves her because he knows she’s his soulmate? What if all of it was a lie? Their love felt like a cosmic joke now, something that rose bile in her throat and she couldn’t help but question his feelings for her. She loved him for him, but did he love her for her or the promise of true love? Is that what this was about? Could she have avoided him? If she locked the world away, would she have managed to escape this unrelenting pain inside her chest with the thought of Ethan’s feelings being fabricated? She always believed you should be your own planet, high up in space, but rooted in yourself. Then he came and anchored her and she never wanted anything more than him.

“Do you ever think about a world where soulmates are just a concept? Like, no one wrote your story, you get to choose it yourself?” She wondered out loud, staring up at the moon as Ethan’s arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her back into his embrace, their breaths synchronizing as he dipped his head in the crook of her neck and his lips placed a feather-light kiss upon her collarbone.

“No. I feel like we still have a choice in everything. You could escape your soulmate, or you could seek them out. You choose if you want to be romantic, friendly, or nothing at all. It’s not so bad, even if you find yourself addicted. What’s so wrong about loving someone that is made for you?” His low tone had given her chills, his beating heart made her heart still. The effect he has is unparalleled with anything she had ever experienced and he was only holding her. Why would she want anything more than him?

“In that case, I’m always finding myself addicted to wrong things.” She heard him hum in curiosity, his lips ghosting over her shoulder before leaving a quick peck that made her smile fondly, widely enough to wonder if she ever smiled as much before meeting him.

“You, for instance.” Turning her head to the side, her eyes find his as quickly as his lips find hers. There was never a need for words between them, their eyes and actions spoke volumes instead.

In the end, she faced acceptance. Ethan lied, hid things, manipulated her, but she understood why. She had ruined every chance he had to be honest and while she’s still cross with him for doing it, mostly because she could have been knocked up in her intern year, Y/N accepted he did it for both of them. It couldn’t have been easy to keep it a secret and it must have eaten away at him daily, but if he didn’t, she’d never know what it means to love a person so fully that your heart swells just by thinking of them. She’d never know what it’s like to daydream about a future she didn’t think she’d have and she would never have stuck around long enough to see what they could become. It would have been a shame to miss out on Ethan and the way he had turned her world upside down. This would be a big issue for her to get over, that’s for sure, but if the tree falls at the first gust of wind, the roots were never deep to begin with and their roots were really fucking deep.

Alexithymia (n.) - the inability to express your feelings

When she mouthed a faint ‘I love you’ to Ethan, she didn’t know if she would ever see him again. She had a madman holding a gun at the back of her neck, time just wasn’t on her side. It never was. But that’s when she realized she had more than enough chances to tell him how she felt and she always hid behind her pain instead of giving him her all. She did give ninety nine percent, but that last percent she held onto out of pure fear.

She wished she had a second chance to do it all over again – to go all in from start to finish, to tell him she loves him more than words could ever explain, that she loves him to the moon and back, that she will never stop loving him, even if the world stops spinning ‘round. She wanted to grow old with him, just him. She wanted him every day, all the time, for him to know that while she used to think love is nothing but chemistry, essentially a lie, he showed her she was wrong and she was never happier to be wrong in her life.

That’s when she realized that she used to see beauty in the world as a child, but then she learned the truth. Nothing ever lasts. This world is suffering until you’re dead and while she used to wonder why she was taking all that pain, why she bothered to wake up every day, she knew now. Her entire life had boiled down to the moment she would meet this man.

Her only regret is that she didn’t tell him she loves him enough, that the words would die with her and he deserved so much better.

And she’s still angry, vengeful even. But she can’t deny one abundantly clear fact – she loves Ethan Grant Dolan and even if he’s a lying douchebag, he’s her lying douchebag. Maybe she would forgive him eventually, but for now, she just wanted him to tell her the truth. However, instead of facing him while laying indisputable proof before him, she crafted a plan of her own.

Clearing her throat, she stood up and decided to find him and his equally treacherous brother. It didn’t take her long, because as soon as she walked into the living room, she found the pair talking in hushed voices. Grayson notices her first, slapping Ethan’s shoulder to shut up and they looked exactly like she imagined one would look if they were guilty.

“How did I get here?” She rubbed the back of her head, noticing it really is sore, likely from the fall she took earlier. Ethan didn’t blink as he rushed toward her, his big brown eyes checking her over as his hands felt drawn to her, resting on her hips to keep her steady.

“How are you?” The concern in his voice is palpable, enough for her to let a real smile slip past her.

“Confused. A bit sore. What the hell happened?” She chuckled at the continuous touches Ethan had issued as if his hands have healing abilities and would make everything stop aching. Maybe they were healing to some degree, but this isn’t something he could have fixed.

“The SWAT team got him. The girl was his daughter and he chased her and her mother halfway across the world. Abusive fuck got what he deserved.” Grayson fills her in and while she would usually be shocked by his foul language, she couldn’t really look at him the same knowing he too had lied to her. Sure, it wasn’t his secret to tell and looking back at it Grayson did drop massive hints for her to pick up on, but damn it, she thought they were closer than that.

“Good.” Swallowing thickly, she raises her hands slowly, allowing her palms to rest on Ethan’s cheeks, just noticing how pale he is. And she’s pissed at him, but she can’t help the pang of worry that makes her soften her gaze.

“I’m fine. I’m a little nauseous, but I’m fine.” She reassures him, her voice never quite as gentle as in that moment and Ethan’s lips quickly stretch into a smile she longed for - a smile she never thought she’d see again.

“I know. I’m just having a hard time dealing with today.” Shrugging, Ethan forces a smile before letting out a heavy sigh. “I really thought I’d lose you today and while I fucking admire you for being so brave, I really wish you’d fucking stop being so fearless and fierce. One day, it will get you killed and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive you for the pain of losing you that would annihilate me.”

Grayson took it as a cue to leave, offering a tiny wave as goodbye and “Glad you’re safe” before escaping the situation he saw as a possible fight.

But he was wrong. Instead of arguing, Y/N wrapped her arms around Ethan as tightly as possible. There was no escape, he was right. She tends to undervalue her life and offer it up whenever she deems it could save someone else. When she was a kid, she had done it when she offered her morphine to her dying friends, or when she had tackled a robber as a teenager or now, when she basically told a shooter to take her as a hostage for a child. She didn’t want Ethan to feel the loss that drove her mother to suicide, not ever. After years of wanting death, Y/N found herself wishing for a long life.

“I won’t do that again. I promise.”

A night in bed where they held each other for dear life was enough for the pair to find a way to breathe again. However, Y/N still wanted to exact her plan instead of just talking to her soulmate and expressing her feelings. It would start that morning.

Jumping from the bed, she rushed into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. Ethan jumped right after her, startled by her sudden urgency, only to find her slamming the door in his face. But when he heard the unmistakable sound of her puking her guts out, his fists connected with the door with force enough for her to realize she has to calm him down.

“Open the door!” He insisted as the sound of her throwing up stopped and silence ensued.

“I don’t want you to see me this way! Plus, I’m fine. Probably just the stress.” She lied through her teeth, smiling on the other side of the door after her performance and while she knew it was cruel, so was his choice to lie to her since the night they met, way before she was his intern.

“I don’t care if you’re drenched in puke, I want to see you.” He exclaimed and she rolled her eyes. It’s sweet, but she can’t let him in because there was no residue smell of vomit and she needed it to be believable.

“I will let you in after I shower.”

And while he had waited in front of the door like a lost puppy, she showered and painted a small smile for him to see when the door opened again.

His arms wrapped around her instantly, the warmth of his touch making her melt and a little guilty for making him worry at all, yet she didn’t give up on her plan.

“I’m fine. I’ll make us breakfast.” Pecking his cheek, she tapped it lightly before getting dressed and doing just as she promised. That’s when she implemented part two of her plan.

“Why are you opening all the windows and why the hell are you holding a wet wipe to your nose?” Ethan found himself even more concerned when he found the very appealing eggs prepared on the kitchen island and his very beautiful soulmate running around wildly as she opened every window in sight.

“I don’t know, they smell so bad. I think the eggs went bad!” Shaking her head in disgust, she furrows her eyebrows as her eyes meet his and the odd frown on his face.

“They smell delicious.” But the moment he sat down, she rushed back into the bathroom, once again locking the door and pretending to throw up while Ethan is left on the other side for the second time that morning.

She washed her mouth away with mouthwash to have a reason for fresh breath instead of the sour smell vomit would cause, only to let him in this time. The open window above the toilet seemed to be a believable reason for the lack of vomit smells and she was ready to put her slightly shaken mask back on.

“You need to see a doctor. This isn’t just stress.” Ethan spoke, his hands running up and down her back as he massaged her gently to relieve whatever stress residue she may have.

“I am a doctor and I know my body, Grant. I’m fine and I want to work. It’s probably nothing, okay?” She leans into him, wondering if the pounding of his heart that is echoing in her ears right now truly worth her revenge.

It didn’t take long for Ethan to find Grayson once they came to the hospital. He left Y/N in the plastic surgery ward, unhappy with how pale she seems and even worse, how shaken up she still feels.

Who gets back to work just a day after a traumatic experience and even more importantly, who comes into work when they feel under the weather?

Ethan understands she wants to be a doctor and she doesn’t exactly have an eternity to take her time with it like the other interns, but he didn’t want her to work herself to death either. His idea of their future included a long life for both of them.

“She okay?” Grayson asks as he sips his morning coffee, crumbling the plastic cup in his hand right after he’s finished as he always does.

“I don’t think so, bro. She’s pale, queasy, threw up twice and thought the eggs are rotten even though they smelled and tasted delicious. I think she’s got a stomach bug.” Ethan licks his lips as his fingers thread through his hair, contemplating if sending her home would make her hate him again. He honestly didn’t know how many more fights he could handle.

“You’re kidding, right?” Grayson chuckles, shaking his head in disbelief before leaning toward his brother, his hand landing on his shoulder, firmly clutching him.

“What?” Ethan’s disgruntled groan follows his words, sparking up annoyance as Grayson’s grin widens.

“You’re a doctor and you can’t pick up on basic symptoms of pregnancy? I mean come on!” Tapping his brother’s shoulder, Grayson relents and leans back comfortably as Ethan begins to sweat.

“Fuck, no! I’ve been careful to the point of thinking about wearing two condoms! There’s no fucking way.” Ethan insists in a state of panic Grayson could see a mile away.

“There’s no such thing as safe sex with a soulmate and you know it. Dude, you’re a dead man walking.” Grayson didn’t mean to chuckle, very much aware how fucked up this situation is, but he also spend a better part of a century studying pregnancy, he knew the symptoms like the back of his hand.

“If she’s pregnant, she’s gonna know we’re soulmates and that’s not something she should find out like that! I was gonna tell her soon, on my terms. She should have had a choice in when she wants to get pregnant! She’s gonna hate me forever.” Ethan could feel his mind slipping into madness of his own creation, shaking as his mouth runs dry and he can’t even string two sentences right

“Hey.” But then she shows up in the worst possible moment and she can’t help but notice the way Ethan paled once she walks in, making her wonder just how fast did he connect the dots. He’s clearly freaking out and she’s assuming he’s doing so because of all the hints she dropped during the morning.

“I just wanted to ask Grayson for a consult.” She feigns innocence as she walks closer to Ethan, placing her hand on his back.

“Sure, just, uh…Would you mind if I ask you something for uh….study I’m doing?” Everything he had said came with a stutter, but Grayson figured he could be inconspicuous and get some solid information on which his brother could form his next steps.

“Shoot.” Y/N cringes at her choice words, it was too soon for her to joke on what had nearly taken her life just the day before but she spoke before thinking and it was too late to take it back and neither of the twins said a word anyway.

“Are your periods regular?”

Frowning, Y/N noted the pink hue on Grayson’s cheeks, loving just how uncomfortable he feels and even more the death glare Ethan sent his way. It was pure comedy watching them sweat after they’ve played with her head for so long.

“Yeah.”

“And when was your last period?” Grayson managed to say without losing his shit, feeling as if he too would hyperventilate the longer Y/N kept quiet, mulling it over longer than she should have but they were changing shades of red right before her eyes as she widens her eyes as if she too had realized something is amiss.

“I need to go.” She had never left the room faster, making Ethan’s heart drop and there was no returning from this. Looking back at the door, Ethan imagined a Y/N shaped hole in the door, aware he’s fucked for life.

“She’s late and I’m pretty sure she just figured that out. So congratulations, bro, we’re about to have a mini Dolan with us.”

Ethan wasn’t himself that day. He had walked around the halls half dead as dread gripped him. He must have changed his clothes at least five times during his eight hour shift, each time because he sweat through the scrubs – courtesy of anxiety and a crippling fear of losing Y/N.

How could he be so irresponsible and keep the truth hidden for so long?

At the time, he had justified it with the possibility of her leaving him in the dust, but he had no right to keep it a secret for this long. She deserved to know when they started being intimate and no matter what excuse crosses his mind, there’s nothing he can tell her to issue forgiveness once she finds out.

When he got home, he found her shoes at the door, tossed as if she was in a hurry. Surprised she had come home earlier than him when she was supposed to do a double shift, Ethan took his jacket off and called out for her.

“Y/N? Sweetheart?” No response. Swallowing thickly, Ethan rubs his face before walking into the bedroom, finding a box at the bed and the bathroom door closed with the light shining from under it.

Apprehensive, he moves closer. He wishes he is brave enough to knock on the door and tell her he loves her and that he needs to come clean about something that would impact them both, but he’s frozen as he nears the bed and the label on the box that becomes easier to read the closer he gets. He’s anxious. It comes as an electrical storm in his brain that, quite honestly, is painful. It's different from a headache and it feels the same as intense sorrow, perhaps as a sort of frozen panic with nowhere to go, and he can’t pretend anymore as his eyes finally read what the box says – Home Pregnancy Test.

“You’re home early.” Her voice is void of joy, of anger, of sadness, of emotion. She sounds defeated, exhausted, weak. With a tiny gasp, Ethan turns to see her, noticing her holding the item in question and he can hardly breathe as he takes in the disheveled look she rarely allowed herself to sport. Her mascara is ruined, her lipstick smeared and her eyes have lost their light.

“You, uh…have a pregnancy test?” Ethan could barely talk, words becoming hard to form as he tried to seem unbothered but even she could tell he was losing his shit. There isn’t a man in this world that had treated her right and just as she believed Ethan might be the one, he had reminded her just why she resisted for so long.

“It was supposed to be a joke…a way to make you confess. It’s not funny anymore.” She tossed the test on the carpet in a momentary flash of anger and he didn’t dare look down.

“Confess?” Uttering like he had forgotten how to speak, unable to move an inch, Ethan stared at her and he couldn’t even pinpoint what he feels anymore, much less what she feels.

“I know we’re soulmates. And I was angry. I was so angry at first, but I understood. I just wanted to hear you say it and I was going to make you think I’m pregnant, but I don’t have to make you think anything anymore. When Grayson asked me those questions today, I realized I really am late. Two weeks.” Sniffling, she drags her sleeve under her breath as tears form in her eyes.

“Well, your lies have caught up with us both.” She went silent as he glanced down at the test and found two thick lines have formed. Looking back at her in shock, he felt his soul leave his body and he couldn’t speak, not when he had no excuse for what just went down.

When you hurt a woman you love, most of them can't even look at you, not even turn to you. But what does a man do when the woman he hurt, the woman he loves most in the world, stares right into his soul as he shatters her completely? What can a man do when her teary eyes hold his with such bravery, such complexity as she crumbles and he has to see it happen? When he's the perpetrator and sole witness of her fall? There isn't a single thing in this world that breaks like a heart does, Ethan knew that now for in this silent exchange between their souls, the silence has never been so deafening.

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Tags: @beinscorpio @peacedolantwins @heyits-claire @dolandolll @godlydolans @dolanstwintuesday @ethanhes @iwastornsincethestart @graydolan12 @zeusgrayson @libradolan @justordinaryjen @pineappledolan @graysavant @voguekristens @imayoutubere @livexdolan @shadowsndaisies @maybgrayson @dolans4lyfe @mendesficsxbombay @fxkthatdairy @sharpdolan

Anyone crossed out wasn’t able to be tagged, probably an issue on Tumblr’s side, sorry.

#ethan dolan #dolan twins #grayson dolan #ethan dolan x reader #ethan dolan angst #ethan dolan au #ethan dolan doctor soulmate au #ethan dolan doctor au #ethan dolan soulmate au #ethan dolan series #ethan dolan fanfiction #ethan dolan fic #ethan dolan fluff #ethan dolan fanfic

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femmeconduit · 3 years

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Forecast for 2021

Note: This is a tarot and energy reading to forecast 2021 and should be considered a general reading, where it may not resonate for every individual. I’m a clairvoyant who woke up this morning with a weight like, “BING! Time to read!” and it knocked me on my ass so here I am, hoping the message will get to the person(s) it’s intended for. I don’t usually share collective messages on here because I’ve spent most of 2020 on my solo shadow work, but this message felt important so here goes.

Placing a cut for length (it’s nearly 2k overall):

Overall Vibe for 2021: Seven of Pentacles, Four of Wands

This brings me some relief as a reader because every New Year there’s usually a swell of jumping in with both feet and it can be a bit reckless. We don’t have that here. What we have for 2021 is cautious optimism, a sense of pause, to wait and see whether all the effort and emotional purging, all the hard work we put into 2020 is going to pay off this year.

The outcome of whether all the 2020 work is truly going to pay off is not clear to me right now. The energies are anxious on January 1st (at the time of this forecast), but one thread I’m picking up on is a sense of hope that all of the work we’ve done on ourselves in 2020 wasn’t for nothing--especially when it comes to connecting with others we love. Family, friends, and romantic partners who weathered through the worst of 2020 and bared their true selves together do show a strengthening of bonds in 2021. That will make the cautious optimism of waiting for the payoff easier to weather.

Overall, there isn't a blind expectation that everything is going to fall into place and that’s refreshing. I think it’s fair to say many of us had that in January of 2020, but much has changed and in 2021 many have moved away from that outlook. The hope for prosperity hasn’t fully diminished, but it’s more reserved and held closer to the chest than before. The strongest vibe is definitely, “We’ll wait and see” without fully committing to a view. It feels similarly to how sports fans feel at the beginning of a season when no games have been played.

Love in 2021: Four of Swords

Whoa! This is definitely not the hot & spicy vibes I’ve seen in other forecasts and I’m here quirking my eyebrow like, “ho hoo hooooo REALLY NOW?!?!” I resisted the urge to pull clarifiers since this is a collective reading. In a private reading, I would have jumped in this one. Anyways...

This is a sign that romantic standards have gone way up. Standards of lasting connection, what people are willing to put up with when forming partnerships, have raised the bar. And it feels like an ironclad “you’re in or you’re out” energy like someone would sooner slam the door than forgive and give second and third chances. I hear, “SHAPE UP!”

When the pandemic is over and there are more opportunities to date in-person, many will be going in with their guard up and their list of must-haves. Don’t get me wrong; connections can be made in the heat of finally having human contact again, but the choice of whether to be exclusive and commit will have a higher threshold to meet. New partnerships will form only after both parties are sure the other can weather the kind of storms we saw in 2020 and I don’t feel those standards slipping just because someone may feel lonely.

On a related note, I sense a lot of pre-occupation over physical safety being one of the forces behind the heightened standards. What if that hot stranger never wore the mask over their nose in 2020? It sounds a little silly but some of those thoughts will be floating around up there on the first date. The pandemic caused a lot of isolation where one may be stuck with a partner in limited space for a really long time. For 2021, people will want to make sure that the person that they're attaching to is someone who is going to truly be there in all of the ways that are needed and safe (hence the high standards).

I do feel a strong emotional yearning for love and connection (especially for singles), but it doesn’t feel stronger than the need to protect oneself. Even when the bars are open, some will be less willing to take the risks they may have taken in 2018/2019. I’m not picking up this risk in a physical sense like STIs, but more in the head & heart. Emotional risks will be considered more heavily when dating, especially for those who may have experienced a brutal wake-up call in their previous relationships in 2020. The partnered people who are still in unwanted relationships in 2021 will use that heightened standard energy to break things off, especially if the dating pool looks safer later in the year and they see the high standards paying off for their single friends.

Economy/Career in 2021: Page of Swords

This energy feels FRESH and forward-moving and I’m loving it. I see a lot of new business start-ups, especially home-based businesses that operate exclusively online. It feels like a rebirth of the cottage industry (any fellow historians who’ve studied labor history may be getting really excited about how this may impact other areas).

I see a yearning to branch out and make one’s mark, but it's not coming from a place of emotional fulfillment or sense of higher purpose. It’s coming from a place of, “This is what I need to protect my family and this is what I need to get what I want.” Feels heavy and I see earth and fire sign placements. Side hustles will grow to meet this energy, especially for those who may have endured a lot of economic challenges in 2020. The fear of potential loss in 2021 is going to fuel some of this, as many workers no longer feel protected and supported by their employers. Showing true colors in 2020 will have 2021 consequences. A lot of self-centering, self-protection energy means branching out to new jobs, new business, and new ways of earning (such as passive income).

Related to these changes, there will be new attempts to meet the growing demands of working from home. Will they all be successful? With the Page energy, I don’t think so. Some of this will be like throwing spaghetti and seeing what sticks and I feel embarrassed with this energy. Maybe someone comes out with an app that looks really tacky and fumbles hard. However, with the forward moving energy coming largely from the bottom in a decentralized way, I think there will be some successes. The ones who have been overburdened by that unfulfilling corporate job may just snap and run with that big idea they’ve been ruminating on all year in 2020. And with the Page, they’ll learn as they go along because they don't want to wait anymore.

What to Watch Out For in 2021: 10 of Wands

Be careful not to take on too much at once. All the forward movement energy, especially early in the year, will increase the risk of overburdening people who don’t keep their wants and needs in balance. There hasn’t been enough rest, reflection, or recovery on the collective level so the chances of frying oneself are high. I see a blonde woman with dry hair having an outburst in a public place (looks like a Target) and pulling her hair out with crazy eyes. She’s snapped, not because she’s deranged, but because she hit her breaking point and didn’t maintain the tools to decompress that shit. Yikes.

With 2020’s emotional and psychological challenges, many will want to fire off with all engines in 2021, but I wouldn’t recommend that with this Ten of Wands. It feels like “I did too much, I thought I could handle it,” exhaustion when one bites off more than they could chew. It’s important to stress that there’s no way one can undo all of 2020’s damage in a couple months in 2021 based on what I’m feeling with this card. Ten of Wands can be emotionally unstable to the point of causing problems with one’s physical health. Energy-sensitive people especially vulnerable here if they miscalculate how much they can handle early in the year. Maintaining balance within the self (eating healthy, self-care, etc.) is everything while one works on moving forward. You don’t have to stay still and do nothing, but you can take and should remember to eat, you know?

What We Have to Look Forward to in 2021: Queen of Pentacles (Reversed)

No surprises here: a reframing of our collective beliefs about money. The value of money, how we use money, how we approach money is going to change in 2021. It’s coming through as a positive because it’s a lesson learned. I’m seeing a lot of headlines about funding and law enforcement flashing. Queen of Pentacles in Reverse can come through as a negative card, but in this forecast it’s an overall lack of trust that drives the forces of positive change. Collectively, there is an understanding that the support structures we need--especially economically--don't exist, at least not in the way we need them to. And it's going to force us to reframe and make adjustments to our economic structure, even if it’s something small like opening up a high-interest savings account.

On a small scale, this energy will change how we save money and build it. Given the economic forecast, I see this impacting small businesses and small investors looking to increase their revenue streams. The sense of distrust where money is concerned will compel us to innovate and make smarter decisions than we made in 2020. Saving money keeps getting repeated.

On a large scale, this energy may impact beliefs and access related to cryptocurrency and affect how tax dollars are allocated, with more oversight being demanded. Given the civil unrest, the government’s response, and how COVID relief was handled, I’m not surprised to feel collective anger where the “people’s money” is involved. It’s still there in 2021 and is aimed at the piggy bank.

What We are to Remember from 2020: King of Wands (Reversed)

Beautiful energy for a reversal. This card calls us to remember what we were able to accomplish when we worked together in 2020. The year was full of challenges and obstacles, and while we haven't overcome all of them, there were significant developments and innovation in the areas of medicine, telework, distance education, food service, etc.--all to meet the demands the pandemic created. Many of these changes occurred as a result of collaborative efforts to find solutions and significantly, much of that collaboration occurred remotely. It will continue to be a sorely needed requirement, as I see many more opportunities to work together to find solutions to problems in 2021.

The good news in this appears to be that the 2020 trial-and-error in the realm of collaboration will pay off in 2021. I’m seeing a tense but efficient board room meeting where people are quick to throw out stupid ideas and my chest is getting lighter seeing it. If an option didn’t work well in 2020, it looks like we won’t even consider it as an option in 2021. Sounds like a timesaver to me!

That’s all I have for now. Hope you all stay safe and cautiously optimistic in the new year.

#helen's musings #tarot reading #energy reading #2021 forecast #femmeconduit

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justhaletwinsthings · 4 years

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lads i am having Thoughts about pre-alice jasper’s relationship with peter and charlotte.

for your consideration:

peter and charlotte come to find him when things are really Going To Shit(TM) down south, that's just canon. jas and maria are pitting the newborns against each other and making increasingly violent power moves and it really looks like one of them is going to be dead by the end of the year. and, well, if you ask anyone involved it's a real toss up as to who that's gonna be.

realistically tho, it's probably jasper. bc by this point he's just... tired. he doesn't necessarily mind all the fighting and killing, and he knows that he's very, very good at it, but, well... eighty years will wear anyone down

add on to that the fact that maria's been his only constant for so very long now? that he can't quite smother his affection for her in the way she can hers for him? well, it leaves him both at a tactical disadvantage and in an awkward mental place where he doesn't even know what he'd do without her. sure he could take up control of her army and lead it in full capacity, but the fact is that he's never had the same hunger, the same drive to keep taking more territory, more feeding grounds, more people that she does. it's part of the reason she likes him so much. he’s not a threat like nettie and lucy were because he doesn't really have an overabundance of ambition in that way, not like he did in life. he's always been content just to follow her lead.

he fights because it's all he knows, because she made him, and because as far as he's aware the rest of the world is doing exactly the same thing.

but then peter leaves. peter, who was something close to a friend, who was the first person he's met since he was turned who was jasper's more than he was maria's, runs off with some silly little newborn girl and jasper lets him. he could have stopped them, hell, should have stopped them. he should have hunted them down and ripped them both apart and all of them know it. but he didn’t. it's the first time he ever consciously goes against maria, and, well, it sets a precedent.

which is why things start to escalate (see above)

peter, for his part, isn’t really expecting all that much when he makes his way back south. it’s a stupid thing to do, borderline suicidal really, as charlotte is quick to tell him. just because jasper let them go once doesn’t mean he’ll do it again; he’s loyal to maria first and foremost everyone knows that. he won’t just leave her, no matter what peter tells him.

still, he’s saved peter’s life multiple times over years and in multiple ways too. having his back in a fight, putting him back together on the rare occasion a newborn managed to get the jump on him, convincing maria to keep him on for more than the usual year, and, most importantly, letting him and charlotte flee without a fight that night all those years ago. peter owes him.

besides, peter knows they were friends. or at least as close to being friends as jasper was capable of getting back when they met. that means something.

and, well, peter was terrified when he left, even if he hid it under his usual confidence and bravado. he was so certain that he and charlotte were heading out of one war zone and straight into another, one where they didn’t know the players or the playing field and were all on their own, without friends or allies (as shitty as they were) for the first time since they were human.

but that’s not what they found. instead they found peace and freedom and other vampires that were, if not friendly, at least usually willing to leave them alone if they showed them the same courtesy. it was amazing and it was thanks to jasper that peter got to live long enough to experience it. so it seems only right in his mind that the perfect way of repaying his friend would be to let him experience it too. he just has to convince he stubborn bastard that it’s actually worth trying for.

charlotte, let it be known, thinks it’s a terrible idea. she has no real attachment to jasper, not in the way peter does. to her he’s always been more monster than man, maria’s loyal lieutenant and the one who she knew from very early on was going to kill her when she outlived her usefulness to the cause. charlotte’s never been an idiot, not even in the haze of newborn bloodlust, and even if peter hadn't clued her in it wouldn’t have taken her long to figure out that after a certain point the newborns just stopped coming back. she was terrified of jasper back then, no matter how much peter insisted that he wasn't really a bad guy, just misguided, and that’s never quite gone away.

but.

but he let them leave, no matter how much he really probably shouldn’t have, and peter’s right in saying that means something. perhaps that peter’s friendship with him wasn’t quite as one sided as she’d first thought. she hopes that's the case, for peter's sake if nothing else. besides, she knows from the look in her man's eyes that he’s doing this with or without her. better her there to watch his back than no one at all.

so they go

still, charlotte prepares herself for disappointment. or rather, prepares herself to deal with peter's disappointment, and to get the hell out of dodge when this inevitably blows up in their faces

neither of them really expect jasper to come with them, and certainly not as easily as he actually does.

for him it's a way out, something he's been looking for for a while now, even if he didn't quite realise it until the opportunity was dropped in his lap. he's not sure if he believes peter when he tells him about the world outside of the southern territories, of how wonderful and free it is, he just knows that he wants to leave and that he doesn't want to have to kill maria to do it, not really. if this is his opportunity to do that he'll take it. it's not like he has any better ideas

peter is thrilled ofc. he has the love of his life, he has the friend he thought he'd never get to see again, and he has the whole world at his feet. in his mind things are really looking up. what he does not have, however, is the foresight to realise in his excitement that things maybe aren't quite as simple as he'd like them to be

the first time they take jasper out into a city (new york, because peter is eager to show off all of his new favourite places and this one’s near the top of the list) is a Disaster(TM). peter and charlotte aren't the cullens but they're still far more integrated into the human world than jasper has been since he was, well, alive

jas, despite his age, has little experience being around so many people, especially when the sole purpose of the outing isn't to nab one of them to chow down on. he also has little practice pretending to be alive for any period of time, constantly forgetting to breathe or hide his unnatural eyes, and he definitely isn't used to feeling so many emotions all at once. it's all very overwhelming for him. he barely lasts an hour before he snaps and kills a girl in an alley, which, y’know, isn’t really a great start.

and beyond that, the group dynamic is just awkward at first. peter likes jasper and he clearly cares about him, but forging a bond of blood and brotherhood on an open battlefield is very different to actually living together. they know each other rather well but they don't actually know a lot about each other.

jasper, for one, didn't know that peter was an irritating little bastard with a bad habit of up and leaving in the middle of the because he got a feeling or something equally ridiculous, and then returning at complete random anything from days to hours later without so much as a by your leave. the first time it happens jas, respectfully, freaks the fuck out (though he’d rather die than admit it), utterly convinced that the idiot’s gone and gotten himself fucking murdered or something. it leads to quite the beat-down when peter finally returns, though the younger vampire takes it in stride. he’s just too happy that jasper is finally showing more emotion than blank face stoicism to be all that upset by it, honestly, especially since he’s had way worse in the past -- and from jasper himself even.

charlotte, on the other hand, sits somewhere on the other side of the spectrum in that she’s still clearly afraid of jasper. oh, she's rather good at hiding it and she's nice enough to him all told, but there's really no way of keeping these things from an empath. weirdly, jasper finds it kind of comforting. it's something he's used to, a sign the world hasn't completely turned on his head. in a way it’s as familiar as peter’s steady companionship; it shows him that the status quo he was defined by for nearly a century still exists, in some form at least, and that does a lot to keep him grounded for the first few years, difficult as they are

things start to get better over time

jasper gets used to moving among humans and to not having to constantly look over his shoulder for the next attack. hell, he even starts to get used to having time to himself. it’s a strange and freeing thing and he doesn’t know quite what to do with it at first, not until charlotte suggests picking up a hobby.

he takes an interest in history, reading about everything from aztec burial rites to the napoleonic wars in a way that he’d never had the opportunity to do before, both as a human and as a soldier in maria’s army. peter hears about this and starts adding museums and galleries to their travel itinerary because he’s a good bro really, even if jasper refuses to admit it. it’s some of the best days of jasper life actually, just the three of them roaming america and experiencing the things and places that they never got to when they were young

he and peter reestablish their old common ground over time. they learn how to exist together outside of all the fighting and bloodshed and find that they genuinely do like each other. peter is cheerful and brash, impulsive but loyal, and determined to make sure that they all live their lives to the fullest. if that means instigating stupid bets and competitions and dragging jasper into more petty wrestling matches than he knows what to do with then so be it. it makes jasper happy, he knows, to be treated like a person and not a just a weapon, and he likes it when jasper is happy. if anyone deserves to be it’s him

honestly it’s part of why jasper later comes to like emmett so much: he reminds him a lot of peter

charlotte too softens towards him over time. they’re quite similar people at their core really; scholarly and reticent and quick-witted. it helps too, that jasper quickly (if somewhat unwittingly) made clear just how much he cared for and worried about peter upon joining the group with that little freak out over that first disappearing act. that alone was enough to earn him the benefit of the doubt in her mind

she’s also encouraging of jasper’s interest in history and literature and whatever else in a way that no one else has ever been in his life, more than willing to sit and discuss them with him for hours on end while peter pouts and stomps and tells them how boring they are. for jasper, whose passions have always had to fall to the wayside in favour of practicality, it means a lot more than he’s capable of saying

their friendship is quieter and more subdued than the one he shares with peter, but no less valuable for it. they’re more prone to sitting quietly together than going on grand adventures, but companionable silence is something they’ve both grown to appreciate. and, well, if it ever grows tiring well peter is always available to be a subject of lighthearted mockery

the years they spend together are honestly the first time jasper can remember even getting close to being truly happy, even of the act of eating humans is prone to throwing him into deep depressions, and that really does mean a lot to him

family is a tricky concept for vampires but he’s more than happy to consider them his. if this is what eternity looks like, he decides it isn’t so bad

and then he wanders into a diner in philly and meets the love of his life and finally experiences true joy but, well, that isn't for a few years yet

#look my thirst for solo jasper content is unquenchable #and by god if smeyer won't write it then i will #twilight #jasper hale #peter #charlotte #maria #shut up a

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itsclydebitches · 4 years

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RWBY Recaps: “A New Approach”

A friend of mine has a van that she calls the Fun Bus. Oh that’s cute, I thought. I should chuck that into a recap sometime. “All aboard the RWBY Fun Bus!” Except my fun levels are ehhh right now, so how about we just don’t.

In fact, let’s be totally up front about things and get the major positives out of the way:

The animation this volume is absolutely stunning holy shit

I would once again die for James Ironwood. All hail the Hug King

Excellent introduction for Tyrian and Watts. I love feeling like the villains are actually dangerous again

The rest? I’ve got some things to say.

We open on Ruby looking appropriately downtrodden over their circumstances. Getting carted off in an Atlas police craft and all that. We get a pan across each side of the airship with the group looking angry (Yang) or defeated (everyone else)... with the exception of Nora, who is trying to eat through her bonds. I’m well aware that I’m nit-picking at this point, but for once I’d like the serious moments to remain serious in this show. Given her reaction to Salem, Kuroyuri, etc. we’re all well aware by now that Nora is more than just the comic relief. Undermining the others’ reactions with her making dog noises was an early cue that the writers weren’t going to treat the group’s arrest earnestly. To say nothing of the disservice it does to her character.

Actually, there were a lot of coincidental dog references in this scene. Nora’s growling. Referring to the Ace-Ops as Ironwood’s “personal attack dogs.” Deducing that he must have a “bone to pick” with them. Obviously this all means precisely nothing. What I want it to mean is that Zwei will arrive in another package courtesy of Tai, wondering how his kids are doing after one ran off and the other went to find her.

(Seriously though, does everyone remember Volume Five’s ending with Raven? Heaven only knows when that will become relevant again.)

While Nora continues to try and eat metal like a rabid animal, Jaune expresses disbelief that the Ace-Ops “took us out like it was nothing.” Honestly, it never ceases to amaze me how often the group is surprised by other people being stronger than them. Like they’re not the youngest and least trained in a world of professional huntsmen. Rather than acknowledging their need for improvement though---callback to Ruby’s “But we already know how to fight” anyone?---Weiss frames it as an exceptionalism intrinsic to her city. “Welcome to Atlas.” You know, the same city she quickly agreed to steal from and then draw the attention of the guards by giving a racist civilian what-for. The speed with which the show flip-flops between ‘We should fear this city’ and ‘But we shouldn’t take any actual precautions’ is pretty impressive.

All of which is made weirder by Weiss’ next line to the other prisoner locked up with them: “They’re not that big of a deal.” So... which is it, Weiss? Are the Ace-Ops Ironwood’s elites who can obviously take out a group of nine in seconds flat? Or are they worth scoffing and rolling your eyes at? Because you had a rather different opinion literally seconds ago. She does the same thing when the prisoner uses the term “tyranny” to describe the situation in Mantle. She claims now that the label is a “bit much” when before the whole group decided not to approach Ironwood precisely because of how tyrannical he appeared. I swear, good chunks of the dialogue just functions as openings for the plot---let the random prisoner explain all the horrors of this city!---rather than something the character in question would actually say.

But I’m harping. We learn a bit more about Hill and her “Happy Huntresses,” clearly a parallel to Robin Hood and his band of Merry Men. I was actually surprised to learn that she’s a full-on freedom fighter, just based on her posters last episode. The number of them and their professional look felt more like Atlas’ brand of propaganda. Big brother sister is watching you and all that. Then again, we also learn that Hill is gunning for a seat on the council, so it sounds like she’s not an ally of Ironwood’s plotting betrayal, and not a radical entirely removed from him either. We’ll have to wait and see precisely where she falls in this divide between Atlas and Mantle.

That fight is treated rather cheaply by the writing though. In this episode at least. Despite providing numerous looks at how horrible things are for the citizens here, this prisoner, currently representing that fight against the elite, is depicted as an absolute buffoon. He’s not engaging in an important, glorious battle for human rights. He just chucked a brick at an airship. He’s over the top, overly passionate, crazed enough that the group is looking away as he desperately tries to convince the guards up front that these things are important. The thing is? He’s right. But the writing doesn’t encourage us to treat his cause with respect, not when he’s bouncing off the walls and yelling like a conspiracy theorist. Actually, that’s the best comparison I can think of here. It’s like if someone laying out 100% real issues with climate change were written like a crack-pot loner who believes in aliens. That’s this guy.

We’re shown again that literally everyone recognizes Weiss Schnee---does no one else in all of Remnant have white hair?---before Jaune and a few others get distracted by how pretty the view is outside. Qrow commented earlier that they were no doubt going to jail.

Spoiler! It’s not jail.

It’s Atlas Academy, animated in a truly stunning design that reminds me of Weiss’ trip to the CTV tower to contact her dad. Looking back, that skyscraper-esque building probably made her anxious for reasons outside of just the call.

“I guess we will be seeing the General,” Ruby says because yeah, why would we have the group experiencing one iota of punishment before being handed the solution to their current predicament?

Look, anyone who follows these recaps is well aware of my feelings towards the airship debacle. I said last week that I wanted the writing to treat the group’s horrific mistakes and criminal activities seriously, but I wasn’t overly hopeful. I was right not to be. From now until the conversation about Salem, the ‘protagonists can do no wrong’ mindset that drove Volume Six is pulled out again in full force.

First, Winter sees the group in handcuffs and responds with, “You have ten seconds to take those off before I start hurting you.” Which is completely out of character to me. Does Winter adore Weiss? Without a doubt. But Winter is also a stickler for protocol and rules. This is the women who threatened to remove Qrow’s tongue over a few vague, anti-Atlas statements. She is all about devotion to her Kingdom. So how should she react when she sees a group of kids being formally brought in for charges? I don’t know, maybe find out what’s going on before demanding an immediate release? Here, Winter prioritizes the emotional assumption that Weiss and her friends are perfectly innocent as opposed to trusting that they’re in handcuffs for a reason. Which they are. Combine that with the humor of the guards scrambling to obey her with more silly sound effects and it’s once again clear that the group’s arrest was never going to be taken seriously.

Things get so much worse though. Ironwood starts apologizing to them, also working under the assumption that this was all some sort of silly mistake. Of course you shouldn’t be in handcuffs. You’re the good guys! Yang and a few others have the gall to be haughty here (yeah, how dare you arrest us after we committed multiple crimes) and for a moment I think all of this will actually amount to something when Ironwood laughs and says, “We assumed [the ship] was stolen!”

Uh yeah, goes Ruby. It... was?

Which results in a brief moment of shock and about three seconds of anger from Winter... and then that’s it. That’s all we get. Weiss interrupts her with, “I’m sorry I worried you, but we did what we had to do” which, no?? Okay first off, worrying Winter is not the issue here. She’s been worried for literally those three seconds and nothing more. Second, as I’ve established numerous times in the past, they did not “do what they had to do.” Absolutely nothing in Argus forced their hand to the point where stealing military property, fighting Cordovin, drawing that grimm, and then deliberately hiding out from Atlas authorities was justified. Why doesn’t Winter or Ironwood challenge them on this? Why the hell would two military personnel accept at face value that committing all of these crimes was necessary? Imagine your younger sister steals a car (which is in no way comparable to an Atlas airship, but let’s run with it). She and her friends then get caught by the neighbor they stole it from, started a fight instead of giving it back, endangered a bunch of other people on the road, got the police involved, and hid out until they were finally arrested. Then at the police station big sister gets angry at the officers for daring to book you and is pacified with a hug. Don’t worry, dear. I know there’s no possible way you could be in the wrong here. No reason to acknowledge, let alone address, why you thought those were acceptable actions in the first place.

Qrow is briefly called out for letting this happen, but like Maria’s comment last episode about the group being incapable of keeping a low profile, he shrugs it off with a joke. “You try stopping these kids when they have their mind set on something.” You know what these ‘jokes’ remind me of? Privilege. Stuff like “Boys will be boys ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” where people accept that change is impossible, so why would we bother calling anyone out on their mistakes? Boys are just hardwired to hurt girls and call it love. Teens are just hardwired to steal airships and call it necessary. You know what they’re like. Putting your foot down is useless because that’s just how they naturally function... and we’re all going to ignore the fact that no one else could get away with this shit. They’re the special ones exempt from repercussions. There’s a reason why both both Oscar and Ruby smile here. They know they’re not in trouble.

What all of this boils down to is that the group is above both the law and basic decency. That’s what Cordovin, Ironwood, Winter, and the writing all tell us. It doesn’t matter how many people you endanger. What you steal. What you break in order to accomplish that. Or how long you might try to hide what you’ve done. You’re you, a nebulous acceptance that you’re somehow above everyone and everything. These kids are never going to learn anything because each time they make a mistake---even massive mistakes that put a whole city in danger---they’re rewarded with smiles and a blanket acceptance that they did what they had to do. That is beyond frustrating to me. For the love of god, let them face an actual consequence for once.

It’s not going to happen though. Even the Ace-Ops apologize for doing their job (and treat Ruby like some sort of celebrity in the process). RWBYJNRQO is painted as victims for suffering the indignity of arrest... when they did numerous things they should have been arrested for. I particularly love Weiss’, “You could have asked us some questions first.” Yes, because everyone should be in the habit of taking a criminal’s word at face value and then letting them go when they say, “I’m innocent.” Rather than acknowledging any of this, the writing has the Ace-Ops go out of their way to emphasize how special the group is. You’re kids, but only technically. You’re students, but who cares. You’re as good as us, regardless of training or qualifications. That fact remains that the group did in fact do everything they were accused of and more, something that should generate reflection on whether they’re up for being paired with professionals, rather than an insistence that they’re automatically on par with these adults who complete their missions in a legal, safe manner. If that Argus fight gets them hugs and cool new weaponry, I shudder to think what else the group can not only get away with, but be rewarded for.

Once everyone blindly bypasses one of the biggest conflicts of Volume Six, we hit on the other divisive choice this episode: Ruby lying to Ironwood about Ozpin and the relic.

Okay. I’m going to be as clear as I can here: Ruby is being a massive hypocrite. That’s it. That’s the situation. I shouldn’t have been surprised by the fandom’s reaction, and yet I somehow still was. In just a few hours I’ve seen at least twenty posts detailing how Ruby is not a hypocrite because her situation is totally different from Ozpin’s. HE can’t keep secrets. SHE can. Which is the definition of hypocrisy: the group holding someone to a moral standard that they themselves will not strive for. Are there differences between telling the group about Salem and telling Ironwood about Salem? Yes, but the decision of whether or not to tell them derives from the exact same concerns:

Ozpin: I don’t know if I should tell these kids about Salem. I don’t know if I can fully trust them. I worry that admitting the relic still has questions will result in them using one irresponsibly.

Ruby: I don’t know if I should tell Ironwood about Salem. I don’t know if we can fully trust him. I worry that admitting the relic still has a question left will result in him using it irresponsibly.

And everyone is in on it. During the elevator ride up they all want to know what Ruby will say, meaning that they’re ready and willing to lie the moment she decides that’s best. “We’ll follow your lead,” Blake says. No one pipes up with, “Hey. Why are we considering lying to Ironwood when we decided that there’s no moral justification for keeping secrets like that? Especially from an ally involved in this fight?” Except, the group obviously never decided that. Jaune was happy to keep his secret back at Beacon. Blake too. Yang is still withholding info about the Spring Maiden. They’re all perfectly happy to lie provided they’re the ones doing the lying. Someone else doing that to them though? Omg, how dare you.

That’s hypocrisy.

(As a side note: good lord this group is so astoundingly bad at fighting a strategic war. They announce that they should be careful about what they say to Ironwood while two of Ironwood’s guards are in the elevator with them. This is a needless conversation! No one has to establish that they’ll follow Ruby’s lead! But yes, let’s talk about our plans to withhold information from the General while two of his men are very obviously listening in. We even get a shot of one guard looking over at that little tid-bit. I wouldn’t be surprised if this came back to bite them in the form of:

Guard, who I am naming Brad: “Sir, I thought you should be aware... the prisoners that just left? I overheard them discussing whether or not they would tell you something.”

Ironwood: “What? But I thought we trusted one another... did they say what this something was?”

Brad: “No, sir. They just agreed to be careful about what they said in front of you. They clearly intended to hide something though.”

Ironwood. “Huh. Now that I think about it, Ruby did interrupt Oscar when he was about to say something. And she was awfully nervous about it.”

Brad: “Sounds suspicious, sir. I’d look into it.”

Ironwood: “Right you are, Brad. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I’ll be sure you get a hefty bonus at the holiday party.”

Brad: “Thank you, sir! My husband and I appreciate it.”

Gay guards aside, this is why Ozpin was right to be cautious. This group is too hot-headed, too immature, and often too plain dense to keep world-shattering secrets safe. This moment gets put up alongside Yang’s demand that Ozpin spill all his top-secret info while the random old woman they picked up 30 seconds ago watches. They just don’t think.)

In short, they are in the same exact situation as Ozpin. Weighing truth against potential repercussions. The fact that said repercussions vary in severity---a group of teens betraying him and/or caving under the pressure vs. a potential dictator betraying them and/or caving under pressure---doesn’t matter. They’re both really bad potential outcomes and both parties are right to be cautious. So yes, I agree with Ruby’s hesitance. It’s the smart thing to do. What I don’t agree with is the characters’ and the fandom’s insistence that Ozpin is not likewise smart for doing the exact same thing. Now that Ruby has made this choice she’d better damn well acknowledge her own hypocrisy. If the writing doesn’t give us a serious moment in which the group reconsiders their actions against Ozpin in light of their recent choices, then the ‘protagonists can do no wrong’ mindset has irrevocably damaged this show. Because you can’t have Ruby making the exact same choices her mentor made and not change her perspective now that she’s had the chance to walk in his shoes. “Oh wow. Sometimes you do want to play information close to your chest. Maybe we were wrong to respond so viciously to Ozpin’s secrecy when I literally just did the exact same thing to someone else. I get it now.”

All that being said, I’d actually argue that Ironwood is in a more justified position to have that information. He’s a chosen member of Ozpin’s inner circle. Ozpin never got the chance to vet this group. He’s a fully fledged huntsmen in charge of an entire Kingdom. They’re a bunch of half-trained kids. Checking in on/taking the relic to Atlas does not require knowing about Salem’s immortality. Enacting a plan to tell the whole world about her really, really does.

Because what else is Ironwood’s end game here? The only way this plan makes any sense is if he believes that Salem is mortal. Ozpin may have failed to kill her, but if we get an entire world to attack her at once we’re bound to win! This plan straight up falls apart when you realize that defeating Salem is not a matter of more manpower. Salem’s immortality is the Achilles’ heel of this scheme, whereas fighting the good fight is something the group signed up for right from the start. Not that Ironwood’s plan is a great one, even if it were viable. I’m sorry, but plunging a whole world into despair---something that draws literal monsters out of the woodwork---is a pretty terrible idea. Ironwood’s army can’t be everywhere at once and an announcement of that proportion would cause an untold amount of death and destruction. I can sort of get Ironwood’s sacrificial perspective. Deal with the fallout because the end result (finally defeating Salem) will be worth it. “Trying to hide the truth from the world will eventually kill us all,” he says, except hiding the truth hasn’t limited humanity in the way he assumes it has. It has allowed humanity to live in peace while a select few try to figure out how to kill an immortal woman.

...speaking of, how has Ironwood not realized Salem immortality? This remains a basic if/then construction of the story that blows my mind whenever people fail to pass it. “If Ozpin has fought Salem for over a thousand years, then Salem is either immortal or reincarnating like he does.” Because nothing else is possible! I mean, maybe Ironwood does know about her immortality and he intends his plan to work for reasons I can’t fathom right now, but it’s looking really unlikely after this episode. It just astounds me that we haven’t had a single character go, “Of course she’s immortal. Why is that surprising to everyone?”

Anyway, I’ve gotten horrendously off topic plot-wise. We learn that Penny and Winter now know about the relics and Maidens---something that worries me a bit because, as a piece of technology, Penny is potentially hackable. Especially with Watts on the loose. The Ace-Ops know as well. We also learn that they’ve already found the Winter Maiden who, according to Qrow, is “not exactly a spring chicken.” Huh. Another important piece of information that wasn’t blithely announced because people naturally work on a need-to-know basis... Sorry. Not diving back into the salt. That comment does actually intrigue me though. We know the powers can only pass to young women, so it’s a cool setup to present us with someone who has actually survived with that power for most of her life. I’m also eager to know whether Winter is set up to be the next Maiden. “Young” is a subjective marker and one of the criticisms fans have leveled at Ozpin is the fact that he put that pressure on Pyrrha instead of asking an older, fully trained huntress to be the Fall Maiden. Making Winter the next Maiden will lend support to that criticism. Ozpin could have chosen someone older, an actual adult, and actively chose to give it to a teen. As opposed to the assumption I’ve always worked under: those like Glynda and Winter are now too old. We’ll have to see.

Outside of the Salem part of the plan, I think making Amity Arena into a satellite is an excellent idea. Provided grimm like the Nevermore really can’t reach it. It’s actually cool to see how our real life, kind of boring tech makes its way into a sci-fi/fantasy series.

And while all this stuff is getting revealed we see how utterly thrilled Ironwood is to have them all back. To be blunt: I adore this characterization. I want this to be real. Not only because it’s a breath of fresh air to have someone acting so loving and optimistic towards everyone---He acknowledges Ozpin’s existence! Look at that smile! Kneeling down!---but also because it would be an excellent subversion of the premier’s setup. Dictator-y military figures buckling under paranoia is out. Tired but loving military figures making mistakes they’re willing to fix is in. That hug with Qrow? It added ten years to my life. Tender moments between two stoic guys will carry me through these cold winter months.

But (there’s always a “but”...) I’m not willing to buy into this characterization just yet. Not only because Ruby herself obviously isn’t ready to trust it. Not only because this is a story and we expect conflicts in the form of twists and surprises. Not even because there are moments where our trio feels vaguely threatening, stationed perfectly behind that desk, separated from the rest of the group.

No, I’m hesitating because this whole encounters feels... staged. Let’s review the series of events from Ironwood’s perspective:

You learn that one of your airships has been stolen

Instead of sending some everyday guards like the situation calls for, you send out your most elite group to take care of this issue

They immediately confiscate the relic, demonstrating a) that they know it’s important (they recognize it as a relic) while likewise b) not showing any surprise that one of the four, magical objects in the world just happened to turn up among these random teens

They bring the relic to you

Someone orders the pilots to bring RWBYJNRQO to Atlas Academy, not jail

You then act surprised when the group suddenly arrives

Which, under the circumstances, makes no sense to me. Even if Ironwood had no idea who stole the airship (I’d have expected Cordovin to have contacted him about the distinctive group heading his way...), he would have figured it out the moment the Ace-Ops walked in with a relic in their possession. Someone obviously gave the order for them to bypass jail and come straight to him. Basically, Ironwood is expecting them. Ironwood set up the arrest and everything attached to it. The surprise at their arrival, the fawning over their treatment, really over the top emphasis on trusting each other... This whole thing feels fishy to me considering that he had to have known it was all happening in the first place. It feels like a man crafting a situation where he can look approachable and kindly, arriving like a savior and endearing the group to him. Remember who got you out of those bonds? Huh? Huh? Even the choice to give Ruby the relic back. Do I need to point out how incredibly stupid that is? Ironwood isn’t stupid. He wouldn’t give an invaluable, magical object back to a 17yo unless he had another, good reason for doing so; unless the need to make Ruby and her followers blindly trust him outweighs the risk the relic is in while she carries it.

I mean... seriously. The entire point of coming to Atlas was to put the relic in a safe place. And then Ironwood decides that carrying it around on the streets is somehow better than locking it up in the vault? When Ruby and everyone else just got beat by the Ace-Ops in about five seconds flat? Someone could take the relic off them in a heartbeat! It doesn’t even need to be a main villain. Some stronger-than-average goons could manage it under the right circumstances and a bit of luck. Look at this bright, shiny thing we can sell for quick lien. No, I have to believe Ironwood has an ulterior motive here. As much as I want him to genuinely be what he presents himself as---the embodiment of our opening, “When we trust in love and open up our eyes”---a lot of this just doesn’t fit.

(Then again... it’s RWBY. And the writers are clearly still working with protagonist vision goggles. Maybe Ironwood really does think Ruby keeping the relic is the best option here. In which case he’s just a fool.)

All of which, notably, still keeps our group from tackling the core, ethical issue: why they want to fight Salem when they think it’s impossible. They’re ignoring that question by keeping the truth from Ironwood. The plot avoided them completing their mission by having them get the relic back. We’re just existing in perpetual limbo here.

Which finally brings me to Penny. The end of this episode has her leading the group on an exhausting tour of Atlas Academy, the exact sort of bubbly, silly, casual interaction we got with her in the early volumes. Last week when I pointed out how inappropriate everyone’s reactions were to finding out a friend is back from the dead, a lot of people commented that we’d get to the emotional stuff later. Or going so far as to claim that the group, Ruby in particular, is suffering from a delayed reaction. Except we didn’t see that. There’s a difference between a setup and a non-evidence based assumption that what we want to watch will eventually end up on screen. There was no setup for a delayed reaction. No Ruby holding back tears. Or a closeup on someone grappling with an emotion. Or someone else trying to say something before they were cut off by the sirens. All of those imply that an emotion exists but, since we don’t have the time or the inclination to deal with it now, we’ll come back to it later. That wasn’t the case last week. Every emotion was clear and complete, no variation in regards to the overall chill acceptance of Penny’s resurrection. Now, we’ve seen that trend continue. Ruby doesn’t stop in shock when Penny appears in the Academy hall. We’re given no indication that anyone is distracted by her while discussing business, in the way one might be when a friend and ally is unexpectedly back in your life. When she’s left alone with them, there’s nothing except the montage of exhausted tourism and Ruby’s demands to know where they’re sleeping. Basically, I think this is it. Sure, maybe later down the line---maybe even next week---Ruby will have a heart-to-heart with Penny, but by that point it’ll be too late to feel emotionally fulfilling. We’ve already seen their first meeting, a surprise encounter, doing business, and hanging out together, none of which acknowledges her status as a miracle. Hell, in this episode at least, no one even cares that she knows about relics and Maidens now. Penny has never been closer to the group, but she’s still being treated primarily as the comic relief.

As @valasania-the-pale pointed out to me, we also have the question of when Penny was rebuilt. Doesn’t anyone, at the very least Ruby, care that their friend was brought back and no one thought to tell them about it? Would Ironwood, Pietro, and Penny herself have just let them live with her death indefinitely? It’s a pretty messed up situation when you think about it. A fantastic setup in my opinion, but one that Rooster Teeth isn’t equipped to handle well. Like with so much of RWBY, there’s great potential and very little follow-through.

At least Watts and Tyrian were introduced appropriately. We got confirmation that Watts helped build the Atlas code and now controls it at his whim, causing crashes and powering down security cameras. It’s the perfect threat for a city almost entirely reliant on its technology. Even down to, as said, an ally like Penny who knows all these secrets. Hell, Winter’s comment about the group having access to Atlas’ best weaponry while they’re here is worrisome. What if their upgrades end up hackable as well?

Tyrian, meanwhile, is still Tyrian. That blood pool was a great shot in my opinion. Wonderful creep factor as he sets off into the city. “I suppose we all have our talents” indeed.

Obviously then, there’s a lot going on. A lot to cover and, on my end, continually dwindling hopes that RWBY will cover it well. I can’t be too excited about the group lying when we 100% bypassed their choices last volume. If the show isn’t willing to call them out on those mistakes, I doubt they’ll be willing to call them out on this one either. I’m preparing myself to watch precisely what we’re getting in the fandom right now: an insistence that Ruby is wonderful for keeping her secrets while further demonizing Ozpin for keeping his. Because that’s where we’ve been for the past fifteen episodes: perpetually insisting that everything the group does is, by default, heroic. Logic and hypocrisy aside.

But we’ll have to see.

Until next week 💜

Minor Things of Note

1. Please pay attention to precisely how many long, wide, and aerial shots we get throughout the episode. This is what happens when your main cast is made up of twelve people all working in the same place. Plus six more including Maria and the Ace-Ops. That’s far, far too many characters.

2. I really love how the Ace-Ops’ tail gives away how excited he is. That was adorable.

3. Despite my enjoyment at Ironwood’s obvious joy over seeing Ozpin... morally this is so fucked up for Oscar. He’s introduced by Qrow as, “the next Ozpin,” essentially undermining his identity as his own person (note how massively uncomfortable his body language is in this moment). Ironwood then immediately starts speaking to him as Ozpin, not at all interested in the kid he’s housed in. If he even understands that Oscar is a separate person. We should all keep in mind that just a few days ago Qrow told Oscar to stop thinking of himself as an individual. Ruby agreed with him via her silence. The whole group was happy-go-lucky when Oscar announced that he’s resigned himself to just disappearing someday. As happy as I am that someone actually acknowledged Ozpin’s existence and (gasp!) was happy to see him, Oscar is still getting the short straw in all this. The group really treats him like he’s some form of transportation and nothing more. Penny, our resident robot, has more agency than he does.

4. Maria is still just hanging out with Pietro, I guess? Does she care that the group got arrested? Is she trying to do anything about it? I’m half expecting a comedic moment where she barges in, prepared to break them out and take on all their captors... only to realize they never needed her help in the first place.

5. I like this shot of the relic, the first thing to be bathed in light when Ironwood’s presentation ends. Not convinced it means anything, but a cool perspective nonetheless.

6. Intrigued by this guy.

7. Love, love, love, love, love Watts’ purple outfit. I mean, I’m just a sucker for purple in general. So... yeah. There’s that.

#rwby #rwby volume 7 #rwby volume 7 spoilers #mymetas #rwby recaps

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funtomrabbits · 5 years

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Ok, so after reading the r!Ciel mastermind theory, I was left wondering 2 things: Why does R!Ciel have an obsession with his brother? Does O!Ciel represent purity to him or something? And why did Undertaker have an obsession/bond with Vincent? Y'know, he's immortal and all that jazz, it's just "silly human drama"

this got to be pretty long so I’m gonna put it under a cut (which sometimes fucks up on mobile sorry)

“Why does R!Ciel have an obsession with his brother? Does O!Ciel represent purity to him or something?”

I mean the twins were really close to each other as kids, and suffered through trauma together, which resulted in the brutal murder of rCiel. After he was revived and still in the process of healing, he spent years being made to watch nearly everything oCiel was up to. Of course he’d be obsessed with him. Was the best reaction for rCiel to humiliate oCiel in front of other family members, intentionally turn Lizzy against him, and attempt to throw him in jail when he came back? Probably not. But with what he went through, you can find pretty good reasoning for how he feels towards oCiel. Which, no, I don’t believe he sees oCiel as “pure” or “innocent” tbh (which I’ve seen a few others say haha). I can’t really see any reason rCiel would have done to give that impression other than talking down to and reprimanding him but I wouldn’t really count that.

And why did Undertaker have an obsession/bond with Vincent?

Personally I’m not as knowledgeable as others are when it comes to reaper/Undertaker related things. I asked @kuro-von-shitsuji (Lily) and @frederickabberline (Suit) about it and they were both a HUGE help, so thank you guys again. I’ll be directly quoting because me trying to sum it up wouldn’t be quite as good so full credit for this portion goes to them.

Lily: I’d say that we don’t exactly know what his bond is with Vincent yet but that we know he was close enough to Claudia to keep a momento of her on him at all times and that Sascha confirmed that the twins have someone supernatural in their family tree that enables him to see reapers when they’re concealing their appearance and that the two facts together has led people to conclude he’s undertakers son

Suit: I don't think necessarily they have something supernatural in their bloodline, the line was vague enough that it could mean anything might be special about the Phantomhives that makes them able to see reapers. I would however point out that while UT is functionally immortal, he is in truth just a very old (ex-) human who has experienced a lot of tragedy and seen countless numbers of deaths. He feels very strongly and gains heavy attachments, and he clings to those he's lost after they're gone. He has no choice, it's not as if he can die and go with them. So if you were filled with endless grief (I don't think reapers are capable of- HAHAH THEY CAN'T MOVE ON. BA DUM TSS), and you wanted to cling to whatever you could of someone you lost, their children and those childrens children would be prime targets for your obsessionSee his lockets, so on so forth, he loves mementosThere's also the weirdly political element to Undertaker's Phantomhive obsession, the fact that he positions himself so firmly against the queen and the hold she has on the Phantomhives. Even beyond his emotional obsession I think there's something else there that hasn't been explored yet to do with the queen vs the phantomhives, possibly specifically her vs Claudia, that's extended to the other Phantomhives.

I think it's something we can't fully predict yet, but I don't think Undertaker was... as attached to Vincent as an individual separated from the Phantomhive name as he was attached to Vincent as an aspect of the larger Phantomhive case. Obviously he cared for him, and he was very distraught that he couldn't bring Vincent back like he could rciel, but I think the Phantomhive Family Status is the key point rather than Vincent the person(edited)The Midfords don't seem to get the same attention, despite being descendants, so there must be something about the title which is very important to his thought process.

In short. He's clingy and desperate to keep mementos, he sees the Phantomhives as a group as being important to whatever his underlying grudge is, and he obviously liked Claudia a whole lot, enough to up the dial on his obsession with the family to 100 even though he doesn't seem to care about the true welfare of individuals within that family.

#why does tumblr mobile make the setup for this look shitty lmao #kuroshitsuji #ciel phantomhive #our ciel #real ciel #kuroshitsuji undertaker #vincent phantomhive

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heartschoicegames · 4 years

Text

Heart’s Choice Author Interview: RoAnna Sylver, “Dawnfall”

Find true love and family with a pirate crew at the ends of the universe, where aliens, ghosts, and portals open the space between worlds...and your heart. You are a Navigator, one who creates and guards portals from one dimension to another, wary of the liminal sea between them.

Your universe is made of two worlds: one contains the magic-infused world of Zephyria, and the other, the dystopian space station Eclipse. The worlds are balanced, until one day, an explosive disaster, a deadly energy storm, and an infamous pirate—the Ghost Queen—upend your life and plunge you into a race to save both worlds.

Dawnfall is a 232,000 word interactive romance novel by RoAnna Sylver, one of the first set of games releasing with the launch of Heart’s Choice. I sat down with the author, RoAnna Sylver, to talk about writing interactive romance. Heart’s Choice games release December 2nd.

Dawnfall has frankly an insanely wonderful setting for a romance game. Tell me about the aliens, the pirates, the ghosts, and the alien-pirate-ghosts.

Hi there! I’m so glad you think this sounds fun! Yeah, Dawnfall is weird as heck, and that’s one of the things I love about this story. It’s weird in a way I don’t think we’ve seen much of before. I really just tried to put in everything I find fun or interesting, and that I’ve always wanted to write. Dawnfall started out as a total brain-candy project, and runs on pure Rule of Cool. Pirates? Yes. Magic? Yes. A slice of cyberpunk? Hell yes. Eerie ghosts and faerie-tale influences and memory-sharing potions? Giant bird people? The power of rock n’roll? Yes, yes, yes.

And also everybody’s dateable, and in a couple cases, dating each other. We weave a tangled web, but I think it’s a pretty badass and spectacular web.

You seem to really neatly straddle the genre fence here with a romance and sci-fi/fantasy. What was challenging about cramming all of that into one game?

Thank you so much for saying that. I’ve always adored SFF, and there’s so much in this genre-collection, so many extremes and concepts and contrasting colors, that I couldn’t limit myself to picking just one to play with. This weird game-book is kind of a love letter to fantasy and science fiction and haunted house stories and cyberpunk adventures—I thought a lot about the Disney movie Treasure Planet for its genre-blending beauty, and the Bioware game Mass Effect for its array of fascinating, multidimensional alien cuties to interact with and date… and then turned it up to eleven.

I guess you’d expect the challenge to be in making it all fit together/be “believable,” but I kind of threw that out the window. I don’t expect anyone to find it ‘realistic’ (setting-wise anyway; I tried to make every character ring true of course), and I don’t really care if someone thinks it’s silly, or doesn’t take it seriously. It is silly in a lot of ways. DAWNFALL is a giant ridiculous queer space magic pirate adventure, and the only goal is fun. If you have fun, I’ve done my job, and there should be something fun in here for everyone.

Did you have a favorite NPC you enjoyed writing most?

Honestly I love them all so much in different ways, and I know them so well by now it’s really second nature. Their voices come so easily and they’re all so much fun. The Queen’s swagger is awesome though, and her mental voice/mannerisms probably come through especially clearly. I love Zenith’s vulnerable moments when xie lets xir guard down and lets go of the need to entertain or please. I love Averis’s journey and growth from cute wibbly nerd to a confident swashbuckler (who is also still a cute wibbly nerd). I love how deeply Oz feels, how strongly he loves and remembers and honors memory, and how unafraid he is to show softness and warmth. And I love a certain spoilery ghost-babe and how they’re so full of joy at the beauty of life.

I do want to give special mention to Aeon, though. This is a story about connection, and I wanted to show that sibling bonds are every bit as important and strong as romantic or any other. I also wanted to show a complex, multidimensional antagonist figure who holds heartbreaking secrets along with authority, and is genuinely trying to do what she thinks is the best thing, and wants what’s best for you, the PC, even if you might not always agree. Her balance between being so emotionally guarded and determined and unyielding, while hopefully being extremely easy to read and tell what she wants and fears and loves—spoiler: you; she loves you!—was a challenge I hope I pull off.

…Also I enjoy any time Vyranix gets his pompous feathered ass handed to him. I think we all know a Vyranix, or at least of one, and it’s always fun to take them down, even in fantasy.

Who would you be romancing as a player?

I’m gonna say “everyone,” and here it won’t actually be cheating, because you can romance everyone! At once! In varying degrees/relationship dynamics and attractions. You don’t see a lot of polyamory-friendly games or books or anything really, and this is an incredibly important thing for me. The second I got the idea for Dawnfall I knew it had to let players romance anyone they wanted and show polyamory in a realistic, healthy light. I’m also a-spec (asexual and aromantic), and having not just good representation but being actively included and welcomed and celebrated in fiction is so huge too.

Dawnfall is a romance of course, being part of Heart’s Choice, but one of the single most vital elements for me is making it inclusive for aromantic and asexual players and player-characters. Essentially, I wanted to write a romance that didn’t penalize players for not experiencing the attractions the way we’re otherwise expected or required—and I’m so grateful that my amazing editors and community not only accepted but supported everything I was trying to do here. (It’s so refreshing not to have to fight for inclusion and freedom. It shouldn’t be, but it is.)

And that’s where the concept of “Heart-Stars” and “Same-Feathers” came from. I’ve never seen anything honor queerplatonic relationships like I’m trying to do here, and I want everyone, of every sexuality and attraction, to feel like they have a place here and can experience this adventure without limits. And I wanted to show that it’s a very normal thing, hence this being the same for the human characters as well as alien. (One of the nonbinary characters being human is also no mistake. I love me some wild alien genders, but there are tons of awesome nonbinary humans too!)

…That being said, I think I gave Averis most of my anxiety-issues, and would really just like to curl up with Oz and watch The Great British Bake-Off. That sounds like a perfect night in my books.

What were some of the things you found surprising about the game-writing process?

Coding was definitely the biggest learning curve. I’d never coded anything before in my life, and it’s such a new skillset to learn, entirely different from any kind of writing I’ve ever done. Sometimes it felt rewriting my brain, which did not at all do this intuitively—and also sometimes like I bit off much more than I could chew (first game ever being not only a huge piece of interactive fiction, but a polyamorous romance with aro and ace possibilities, and so many more variables than expected!), but it’s been worth it. Entirely. If my writing makes anyone feel seen and accepted and invited to have fun as they are, it’s worth every bit of struggle.

Also, oddly, interactive fiction is in some ways easier for me than writing a plain old book! Probably because I love AUs so much, and every choice in a game is like writing a tiny AU of the story, so I get to do the same scenes several different ways. My ADHD-brain finds something about this extremely satisfying, most likely because it somehow feels more like multitasking! Several stories in one, and if I like two ideas, I don’t have to pick just one to write!

Honestly though, I think the most surprising part is just being done, and…that I could do this at all. It was so huge, and took so long, and I learned so much, and every day I’m just kind of going “who the hell am I?” about doing all of this. I’m proud of it. I did a cool thing. And trying to get better at saying that.

And, what are you working on now?

I always have about 8 active projects going at once (which shouldn’t come as a surprise after last question!), but my next interactive fiction game is with Tales/Fable Labs! It’s shaping up to be a Dawnfall-sized project, but a little faster-moving and action-y.

It’s called Every Beat Belongs To You, and it’s a romantic thriller that feels like Twin Peaks meets Mr. Robot, with a smattering of Repo: The Genetic Opera. A creepy Pacific Northwest town with a secret (and a rash of ritualized murders), a super-slick medical research company whose flagship product is a 100% perfect synthetic heart, a mysterious new-age group, and a sister who went missing just before discovering how it’s all connected. Also five simultaneously-dateable (including ace and aro ships!) cuties of varying genders! Who will you trust with your heart?

I’m very excited about Everybeat, which should be just as queer, polyam, exciting, and weird as all my stuff! Aside from that, I’m working on Stake Sauce Book 2, its companion f/f vampire series Death Masquerade, and Chameleon Moon Book 3. I’m not always working…sometimes there are videogames, and sleep. But I really hope to have a lot more fun things to share soon!

Oh, and depending on how this weird, fun thing goes, I do have some ideas for prequel Dawnfall stories; maybe games, maybe books, but the ideas are there. The world—worlds, really—is so huge, and I’m not done playing in it yet! I also have some character art drawn, and I want to do a lot more of them. It’s another way to show love.

So thank you so much! I really hope Dawnfall is as fun to everyone to read/play as it was for me to write. I can’t wait to share it with you!

#hearts choice #interactive fiction

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saferincages · 5 years

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Because of the dog’s joyfulness, our own is increased. It is no small gift. It is not the least reason why we should honor as well as love the dog of our own life, and the dog down the street, and all the dogs not yet born. What would the world be like without music or rivers or the green and tender grass? What would this world be like without dogs? - Mary Oliver, Dog Songs

Today, April 18th, would have been our beloved Angel’s 13th birthday. We were so hoping she would be here to celebrate it, but unfortunately her illness took her far more quickly than we were anticipating, which has us commemorating it without her, and still grieving her terribly.

I’ve talked about her so often that I now struggle to find the proper words to pay tribute to what a miracle she was for me, and what a truly special girl and precious little soul she was. I related some of the story of us getting her here, but wanted to take this last chance to remember. Saying I dreamed of or wanted a dog my entire life doesn’t even fairly capture it - I yearned for a dog, more than anything else that could ever be offered to me. There were multiple obstacles that made this impossible growing up - my mom and I being too busy with work/school to properly care for one, the fact that we were too burdened financially, the limitations on the kind of dog we could bring home given both of our allergies. Thus it remained my fondest continual wish. By 2006, my illness had been breaking me down for over a year. I had no choice but to drop out of school when I could barely function; I had reached what they called a “plateau” in physical therapy, a point where they couldn’t help me or rehabilitate me further from my lingering car accident injuries, and my immune system kept getting worse, my body increasingly frail. I was spending most days entirely alone while my mom worked full-time. It got to the point of quiet desperation, my depression was becoming more serious and we didn’t know what to do.

An e-mail went out in my mom’s office from a family who wanted to rehome their young standard poodle. We decided to go and meet her, and she was lovely, but she was 60 pounds and definitely too rambunctious for us to enclose in our very small living situation. (There’s a happy ending to that story, as her family decided to keep her.) The thought was irrevocably planted in my brain, though, and I fixated on the idea of finally finding a dog. We tried several other times - like a 3 year old Bichon who ended up at our Humane Society (they’re so rarely found at shelters that they did a lottery for people to be able to adopt him; our number did not come up), then a miniature poodle puppy at the shelter in Denver (same story with the lottery). I started scouring the paper, and one night in late July, in the online classifieds, I found a listing for six Bichon puppies. The timing was unbelievably perfect. I excitedly called the number, and the lady told me they had two left, a boy and a girl, and if we would like to see them, could we please come right away, because she and her husband were going out of town for the weekend and someone else was going to come watch the dogs. My mom and I got into the car in the dark of night and drove to the other side of the city. When we got there, we saw four little white fluffy faces in the door - the couple’s two adult Bichons and two babies.

We went inside, and the lady who had them started telling us about them. The little boy was docile and laid-back, the little girl was sweet yet very feisty and stubborn. She had been the smallest in her litter, and her five brothers and sisters pushed her around and never let her eat enough, and so she had to learn to stand up for herself. They were both darling. He laid quietly on the floor waiting for attention. She perseveringly climbed up onto the back of the sofa to be as close to us as possible, to sniff us and kiss our faces. She was silly and affectionate, and of course I instantly fell in love with her. She was meant to be ours. They gave us her papers, and her blanket, I scooped her up in my arms, and she was mine. On the drive home, our normal route ended up being blocked off because of a chemical spill, and the police officer who stopped us glanced into the car and smiled at the sleepy little puppy (”look!,” he said, “a carpet with eyes!” because she was quite fuzzy).

The gate to temporarily keep her in the kitchen overnight didn’t work at all, she was too smart for that. She squeezed out and promptly came into my room, whimpered on my floor until I turned to look at her, and waited for me to pick her up. I put her on the bed, she stole a pillow, and that was our story almost every night for the rest of her life. She was the best puppy, a model puppy, she never made a mess or chewed up anything she wasn’t supposed to (except for a roll of toilet paper, which only made us laugh), and she took to training quickly.

She was the most incredible blessing, and every day, no matter how sick I was, no matter how devastated I felt by anything else happening in my existence or the world, she gave me a reason to get up, to carry on. Not only because she depended on me - and that’s no small thing, having a dear, bright life that needs you to look after her - but because she was so boundless in her exuberance, her light, her love for everything and everyone. She believed all people and animals (I would say obviously other dogs, but honestly she seemed to like kitties most of all) should be her friends, and did her very best to charm them. She was excited to wake up in the morning, and she would bounce on me with her tail wagging in circles. She loved cozy things, pillows and stuffed animals and blankets and warm laundry; she loved soothing instrumental music and would settle right down to sleep when I put her favorites on (near the end of her life, we played a lot from Soothing Relaxation, and we put this one on for her before she died. She enjoyed certain piano pieces on the Soundscapes channel, especially this and this, she’d snuggle up and close her deep brown eyes whenever they played). She loved to play and growl and zoom around from room to room at top speed, she loved to lay in the sun and look out the window, she loved baby carrots and apple slices and was the cutest when she crunched them. She listened to me sing to her with rapt attention, and when we talked to her, she liked to talk back with various small barks and grumbles while inquisitively tilting her head. She had a mind of her own and liked to arrange things however she wanted them; she waved her paws constantly, and it meant different things depending on what she was asking us. She never stopped giving kisses, and this went double whenever one of us was crying, as she saw it as her comforting duty to lick away our tears. In her very last hour, when she hadn’t had anything to eat or drink for almost two days, when I was suddenly forced into making a decision I wasn’t ready to make, when all I wanted was to bring her home and tears were streaming down my face, she still sat up to kiss them away. It’s been hard having so many endless tears to shed since we lost her, and not having her in my lap to take care of me.

I’m convinced she did take care of me, more than I did for her. I called her my little nurse a lot, because she always knew when I was more sick than usual, and she worried and fussed around me, and tucked herself in by my side, and wouldn’t leave me. Even as isolated as I am due to being homebound, I was never lonely while she was in my life, she was always there to reassure me. She sensed so many of our moods, and she was so empathetic that we’d try not to get too upset around her because she would react with concern. When my anxiety and panic attacks began getting worse, and when my POTS became more severe, I truly began to realize how much she helped me, how her being near me calmed my tension, eased my physical pain, how running my fingers through her incredibly soft curls immediately lowered my heart rate, and that’s when I had her certified as my emotional support animal. She’d been doing that job from the start, so she deserved the title officially.

I mentioned here why I named her Angel: I wanted to use the name Angel because I love angels, because it made me think of sweetness and light, and of course she has been my guardian and my salvation and truly my Angel all these years, but she’s something else that word connotes too. She’s a warrior Angel. She was unbelievably strong and courageous, she fought so hard to live, and all she wanted was to stay with us. She was made of that pure goodness, and she was also brave and resilient. We called her bunches of nicknames - our diamond, our flower, our princess, our sugar, our baby, but she was profoundly an Angel most of all.

We had a unique relationship because we were almost always together, every minute, every day, every year. Not everyone understands the depth of connection knitted deep into our spirits that one can have with a beautiful living being, but experiencing it was a gift beyond any measurement words can give. I never left her for more than a few hours at the time. I never spent a night without her, except when she was in the hospital. She was my constant; my warm, fluffy baby, my treasure, and that life and happiness was everything. My dad acknowledged that, for me, losing her was much more like losing a child, because we were so bonded, so unbreakably close, and that is irreplaceable. I’ve mentioned before that I won’t ever be able to have that connection in human form, and getting another dog is once again an impossibility for us due to our current predicament (not that Angel could ever be replaced, but we would open our home and hearts to new love if we could), so she was it for me, the one dream come true, all I had.

I read Dog Songs as we were losing her, and Mary Oliver captured the adoration and the acute sadness exquisitely. So, that deepest sting: sorrow. Still, is she gone from us entirely, or is she part of that other world, everywhere? One of her poems was for her own Bichon, Percy, and these lines conjured Angel: For she was made small but brave of heart. For she could be silly and noble in the same moment. For she listened to poems as well as love-talk. For when she sniffed it was as if she were being pleased by every part of the world. For when she sickened she rallied as many times as she could. For she was a mixture of gravity and waggery. For there was nothing sweeter than her peace when at rest. For there was nothing brisker than her life when in motion. For when I went away she would watch for me at the window. For she loved me. For when she lay down to enter sleep she did not argue about whether or not God made her. For she could fling herself upside down and laugh a true laugh. For I often see her shape in the clouds and this is a continual blessing. She also wrote: It is almost a failure of will, a failure of love, to let them grow old - or so it feels. We would do anything to keep them with us, and to keep them young. The one gift we cannot give.

Despite losing the entire semblance of and hopes for my "normal" life when I became chronically ill, despite mourning people (whether they passed out of my life literally or figuratively), even still I have never undergone this level of grief and heartache. I long to hold her in my arms, to hear the padding of her adorable popcorn paws and the jingling of her tags, to kiss her irresistibly soft head (which smelled like her sugar cookie conditioner). She always had such an exceptionally strong heartbeat - the little heartbeat at my feet - and when it stopped, while I embraced her with my hand against her chest, a huge part of me went with her. She gave me so much purpose and grace and helped me survive. She lit up every day with joy, and we will never stop missing her.

Angel was the truest, most precious love I've ever known, and how lucky I am to have been blessed by such a wondrous girl.

#wishing queue were somehow near #love of my life #my baby #angel #sugar cookie #i miss you my sweetheart #i know i've probably posted all of these photos at some point before #because they're some of my favorites #but i thought it would be nice to compile them all together #♥#this is also my last post so it's even more dear #i love you all thank you for being my friends and being here for us and showing us such kindness #i just came to say goodbye love #grief does not expire like a candle or the beacon on a lighthouse; it simply changes temperature #look at your face in the mirror #bubble wrap around my heart #long post for ts #i love her with every fiber of my being and i miss her and ache for her every day #but i don't like the constant nagging memory of the fact that my face was the top of this page and that is why my other love replaced us #I have my stories of that grief no doubt many of you do also #It is almost a failure of will a failure of love to let them grow old—or so it feels #We would do anything to keep them with us #so goodbye goodbye ♥

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