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#it's not like the relationship was bad or anything but i felt inadequate to be able to make him happy

little-miss-dilf-lover · 3 months

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how would the moon boys react to reader flirting w another person to make them jealous? (they're friends w benefits)

okay so I made this a tad angsty just bc I feel it suits and bc I wanted it, but shush, that’s neither here nor there. thanks for requesting, hope you like it💌

FWB MAKING THE MOONBOYS JEALOUS.

moonboys x gn reader (not as the moon system)

warnings. angst? bad writing/ thoughts and hcs

I feel like marc is a lot more insecure than he lets on or more than one may think. he's usually the type to shrug and gruff dismissively, not wanting to bring attention to it, or to the fact that he cares about something... you. because you're casually messing about, he tries not to expect anything else of you. to see you flirting may make him feel insecure and make him remember what a fuckup he is. it would make him feel stupid to think that you'd want something more with him. I don't think he would take it too lightly, and would most likely be wounded by your games. how you'd essentially toy with him when he put himself out there (he's probably had lots of casual sex before, but nothing quite like your situation) maybe he doesn't like to be on the opposite end of the stick - to be the one that is more invested in a 'relationship'. I feel like he'd brush you off, saying, "yeah, yeah im good. gonna uh— gonna head to bed now."

with steven I think he's always wary about situationships - it's not something he's usually down for. except maybe he really likes you, and this way being friends with benefits is as close as he can get to being with you, so he takes the opportunity. again, same with marc, it would make him feel insecure for you to flirt with someone else to make him jealous. it would make him feel inadequate to think he had a shot with you. he already felt like you were out of his league, and it would make him feel ridiculous for thinking otherwise. maybe he would laugh it off and pretend he was okay with you 'toying' with him, but really he'd just be upset and disappointed (in himself and dare I say... you... soz) I feel like he'd chuckle and say, "yeah, no— no, that was— yeah, you got me there." and he'd just walk off

for jake im on the fence a bit here. one hand I think he'd entertain it, maybe playing you and retaliating to make you jealous. he would find himself someone on their own at the bar, just in eye sight of you and would hit on them - making sure you can see. he thinks that becuase you're playing games, he gets to as well. BUT im also weighing with the fact of how volite and explossive he can be, and how he reacts before he can think. so perhaps if you're flirting with another man, he'd go up to you both and push him away, maybe holding your arm and walking you out the bar. mumbling to himself as he pushes past people. he'd be like, "what the hell was that? going around and flirting with people you meet at bars?" and then you say, "we're not dating. we aren't anything," and then he'd be like, "yeah, you're right," and then would let go of your arm and nod and walk away

#request #yonlyssguts #marc spector #marc spector angst #marc spector x reader #steven grant #steven grant angst #steven grant x reader #jake lockley #jake lockley angst #jake lockley x reader #gn reader #moon boys #moonknight x reader #moon knight

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bimbobaggins69 · 11 months

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In honor of pride month; I am compiling fics of gay, bi & pan Eddie Munson

comment, or send an ask for yours or one of your favorites to be added

boys on film (series) - pornstar!steddie x virgin fem reader

by: @corrodedcorpses

summary: Eddie and Steve have been your best friends for years. Although they've never done or said anything to make you feel bad, you can't help but feel inadequate to them when it comes to sexual experience. After they star in their first Threesome together, some weird emotions arise.

Now in technicolor (series) - soulmate!steddie x fem reader

by: @thorfemmes

“Color! What a deep and mysterious language, the language of dreams"

The tutor (series)- queer!eddie munson x fem reader 18+

by: @brewsterispunkk

summary: reader has had a secret crush on Eddie Munson for months, only she has been too scared to tell him. When she’s forced to tutor him, she lets it slip that she feels like she’s missed out on the normal “high school experience.” Eddie aims to change that.

I’m in control (series) - pornstar!steddie x fem!reader 18+

by: @justmeinadaze

summary: You're just promoted to agent for the porn agency you work for. You worked really hard to get where you are and beg your boss to allow you to manage the 2 new up and coming pornstars they just signed.

seeing stars (series) - bi!eddie munson x fem!reader 18+

by: @boogiewrites

summary: A new girl with a mysterious air to her and a questionable past comes to Hawkins. After a chance encounter at a party, Eddie becomes a bit smitten with her. The problem is, she’s an unreadable brick wall when she’s sober. Despite her hesitation to letting men in her life, they become best friends. Will Eddie’s attentive persistence help him break down the walls she’s put up to protect herself from not getting hurt? Will Star learn she can be in love and be loved in return after her last relationship left her traumatized? Will her spiritual guidance help her see that Eddie really is the one for her? A story of strangers to best friends to lovers with a splash of witchiness and a lot of trauma healing.

The pull (short series) - steddie x succubus!fem reader 18+

by: @xxhellfiregirlxx

summary: You move to Hawkins after spending the last decade in New York City hoping to have a peaceful and quiet next few years flying under the radar only feeding when necessary and making everyone you spend a night with forget you. But when you arrive, you feel a pull from two men like you’ve never felt before. As soon as you feel it you know flying under the radar here wasn’t going to cut it, you had to find them.

Ready, steddie, go. (One shot) - steddie x fem reader 18+

By: @bettyfrommars

Trapped under ice (series) - hockey player!steddie x figure skater!fem reader 18+

by: @lofaewrites & @teddyseyeswinchester

summary: The one where the Ice Princess, The Wolf & The Monster celebrate in the only way they know how-by making it dirty.

Rockstar!eddieverse - bisexual rockstar!eddie munson x fem! reader

by: @enam3l

I want you both - steddie x reader 18+

by: @screammunson

summary: you can’t help yourself when you catch them, they can’t help themselves when they ask you to join

Heavy metal parking lot (one shot) - queer!eddie munson x fem reader 18+

by: me

summary: the last thing you ever expected was to hit it off with a cute guy at a Judas Priest concert, but stranger things have happened.

To be added…

I know I’m forgetting so many! :(

fics on ao3

Lessons in anatomy (series) - bisexual!eddie munson x fem reader x slowburn steddie x fem reader 18+

by: LilithsLullaby

summary: When you agree to help Eddie Munson in study hall, you don’t anticipate those lessons to go beyond using textbooks to some real life practice in anatomy.

If it's just till St. Patrick's Day (series) - gay!Eddie Munson x trans fem! Steve Harrington 18+

by: RedLegumes

summary: Eddie Munson is positive he's gay. Sure girls are nice to look at, smell good, look like they taste lovely and sweet. But that's not his thing. Never been his thing. He likes hard, blaring, rough and tumble. He likes guys. But when one of those guys reveals he wanted to transition… Eddie has to do some thinking. He likes guys, but he really likes Harrington.

I Promise That You Won't Wanna Get Off (one shot) - steddie 18+

by: Kwills91

summary: Robin drags Steve to a bachelorette party having no idea he's going to be just as entertained by the gorgeous stripper as everyone else. Possibly even more so.

To be added…

#eddie munson #fic rec #eddie munson smut #eddie munson x reader #eddie x reader #steddie x reader #steddie x reader smut #steddie x you #steddie recs

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internerdionality · 6 months

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And just to be clear, it wasn't just Izzy's death or the way it happened that I found incredibly disappointing about that finale. For that matter, while there were some great moments, the entire season felt rushed and incomplete, with a lot of decisions that just baffled me.

The Olu/Zheng/Jim/Archie polycule got no resolution whatsoever and just felt crappily done. It felt like Jim and Olu transitioned from romantic to platonic between seasons and then got shoved at new love interests, instead of actually grappling with the interesting poly dynamics, jealousy, NRE, insecurity, etc., that they could have engaged with. And to be clear I LOVED every moment of Olu/Zheng and Jim/Archie! But it felt like the show didn't believe you can have meaningful romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time, so they had to make it as if Jim and Olu's romantic sexual encounter at the end of last season didn't mean anything and that the two of them are perfectly happy being chosen siblings. This after Oluwande is explicitly described as in love with Jim in the first season! WTF?

It also felt like they just abandoned Lucius and Pete being poly in favor of having a cutesy wedding? Like don’t get me wrong, yay for weddings, but honestly it felt very mononormative and forced instead of queer and affirming. Even if Lucius had like, kissed Fang on the lips right after, or if they'd had more affection shown between the whole crew during the wedding, that would have been something. It just felt off.

Zheng felt like a wasted character by the end. Her just letting Ricky know where all her ships were was unbelievable for how competent and badass they made her out to be, and literally her only impact on the plot was serving as a vehicle to drive Stede from place to place. Also just killing off her entire crew other than Auntie? Hundreds of mostly Asian women? Yeah, that's not a good look.

Why did they feel the need to destroy the Republic of Pirates, for that matter? What actual plot or emotional growth did it create? At the end of Episode 7, I expected Stede to have to grapple with how he's managed to not just bring down Blackbeard but the *entire Republic of Pirates* and *the Pirate Queen of China* to add to his whole "I ruin beautiful things" trauma and instead he just doesn't seem to care at all. Like how did he get from all of his trauma and grief about being inadequate in the first season—the actual trauma that led him to leave Ed in the first place—to "oh, it's not so bad being a failure once you get used to it"?!?! Throughout the season I kept thinking that he was repressing and it would come back up to bite him in the ass but no, apparently he just fixed that issue offscreen? What the hell?

And it was the same with Ed! After all that build up in the first season about how Ed doesn’t like to kill people directly—and maintaining that through the first two episodes, even, which was hard! We never see him directly kill anyone! The guy he shot had already been run through!—he’s literally joking while surrounded by corpses he killed and the show barely addressed the trauma that the character we knew would have experienced. Just a completely dropped note. What happened to Ed's self-hatred that they spent an entire dream sequence episode establishing?

Ed and Stede’s actual conflicts and problems just basically disappeared at the end, with a “oh I actually do love you, babe” glossing over Ed’s very legit reasons for leaving and then Stede (apparently?!?) being convinced to give up piracy without a second of screen time spent discussing it. If felt like they were actually setting them up to just be the toxic lesbians from episode four, how is that a satisfying finale? I honestly would have rather had them end the season apart again, but this time knowing they love each other and they have to do some work to get back to each other. Like, Stede sailing into the sunset after kissing Ed and promising to come back and Ed going "i trust that you will, thank you for giving me the space I need to heal"—that would have been a satisfying place to leave them.

And then Izzy's death... don't get me fucking started on what a complete waste of screen time and acting that was. Wow.

#our flag means death #ofmd s2 spoilers #izzy hands #ofmd #gentlebeard #blackbeard ofmd #boatmance #lupete

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purplekiwis · 1 year

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Summary: It's no secret that as a figure skater, you're fed up with the local hockey team being treated like royalty... and your ex's status as a player isn't helping much either.

Genre: Exes to Lovers (Enemies to Lovers if you blink 😉)

Warnings: it's angsty and smutty

Wordcount: 8K

A/N: ummmmmm holy shit?! you guys really liked this fic 😫 i wasn't expecting this amount of love for this AU at all but your feedback has been making me so happy! i really hope you guys love this last part as well💙

THIS IS A 2 PART SERIES | YOU CAN READ PART 1 HERE ❄️

OTHER WORKS BY ME

You couldn’t resist.

As much as you hated him you couldn't resist.

You didn't even waste time putting on your pajamas. As soon as you got to your room, you threw yourself on the bed, unzipped your jeans and finished off what Harry had started with the recollections of what he’d said and done to you on repeat inside your head.

And you didn't even feel bad about it as you laid in bed afterwards… motionless, apart from your hand that was still gently touching under your panties, playing around with the wetness as you slowly came down from the high. Honestly, you just felt extremely relieved… and sleepy, you were getting sleepy.

But the more you calmed down, the clearer your ideas became, and something Harry had said stuck with you. That last thing before you left - “now you know what it feels like to be left stranded” what the hell was that supposed to mean?

There was only one thing that you could think of that could fit that narrative, and that was you ending things before he got to take your virginity. As in, you made him wait for months and then just when he was about to get some, you broke things off.

As much as you wanted to believe that was the case and reinforce the concept that he was trash, that didn’t sound like something Harry would hold a grudge on... especially since he could have taken it if he wanted to. He was the one who suggested you’d take things slow. Besides, it wasn't like he had any trouble finding people to fuck with… as you were well aware of.

So why was he upset?

You couldn’t figure it out, nor could you figure out his reasons for doing what he had done earlier. Not the part where he stopped - that part you recognized had been some sort of vendetta.... but why had he kissed you like that? That hadn't been planned. You could tell.

He couldn't possibly be that desperate, could he? He had to be having sex, right? You probably would be if you weren't a virgin and stuck in the ridiculous belief that you should wait for ‘the one’.

Honestly, what a stupid concept.

Months ago you were certain that Harry was ‘the one’ for you and look where that got you.

Luckily though, you never blamed yourself for what happened. It might sound surprising, but it hadn't affected your self-esteem much or made you feel inadequate in any way... If anything, it had only taught you how real people function. Prior to it, you had a very black or white view of how things worked in relationships. Perhaps it was your innocence... but you had always thought that only bad lovers could do bad things.

Turns out that good lovers also can, and good lovers also will.

And no matter how much you try to taint your memory of them with anger and resentment in order to make sense of it all, you won't get to. The memories will always be clear and sweet and full of joy, even when reality isn't.

After what happened between you and Harry, moving forward in life was strangely uncomfortable.

Even though you thought about what happened by the bus all the time, it still didn't feel entirely real, or recent... more like a disturbingly vivid dream, or perhaps an old memory you only recently realized you had.

It didn't help that you hadn't told anyone about it - not even Niall - which was also weird. You felt as if you were keeping something from him, which to be fair… you were. It would have been easier to pretend nothing had happened if he hadn't been there that night, but he was, and obviously noticed how upset you were as soon as you got back in the car.

He still asked about it now and then, which was a little disconcerting and off character for Niall, but it was also the only proof you had that something had happened that night, and you weren’t completely hallucinating it.

In terms of your relationship with Harry, it had reverted to its previous state, which meant you weren’t talking or interacting in any way. You might have caught a glimpse of him at the rink or seen his car parked nearby, but nothing beyond that. He was gone like a ghost, once again, and you were mourning his absence.

But, as strange as it was to return to normalcy after such an unexpected turn of events, it felt good to be back on track.

To put on a costume, cover your face in shimmers, and take on the role of someone who wasn't really you. This girl was cheerful and optimistic; she wasn't depressed because a boy wasn’t in love with her. She had a lover who loved her back and held her tenderly while he danced with her over ice. And even if it only lasted for a short while, you got to share her joy, and felt it pour out of your own chest as the sound of applause took the place of the music...

And then that goddamn whistle blew.

Not just any whistle... but kind you improvise by taking the tips of your fingers to your mouth and blowing. It was familiar, for sounding so completely out of place amid the conventional clapping.

Your head snapped up to face the audience, eyes unapologetically searching for a particular face in the crowd.

Harry’s,

That was his whistling. The one you hadn't gotten to hear in months. The one you never thought you would miss if it wasn't there, but you did... a lot.

Funnily enough, you'd reprimanded him for doing it before, for considering it wasn't appropriate for this type of competition, but he always said he didn't care what other people thought; he'd cheer for his girlfriend regardless and clapping just wasn't his style.

There was no way this could have been him, though...

Harry hadn't attended your championships since your breakup, and you couldn't think of a good enough reason for him to come back now… unless he had come to see someone else, but if he wasn't here for you, why would he be cheering so hard for the competition?

You'd already given up on scanning the crowd as you skated off the ice, but when Niall turned to you and asked, “What’s Styles doing here? Did you invite him?” that stubborn, burning itch was rekindled inside of you.

“No, of course I didn’t invite him.” Your voice was quiet, but it still sounded startled. “Was that really him, are you sure?”

“Yeah, I'm sure… but you can check for yourself if you want. He’s sitting right next to exit B.”

You tried to sneak a peek, but you didn’t get the chance to because as soon as you got close to the border Paul, one of the skating coaches you worked with, came over to discuss your performance. As much as you would have liked that not to be the case, there was no truth in saying that the coach's arrival took your mind off Harry right then and there, but you forced yourself to focus. There were more important things. He wasn't the top priority. He was a baffling enigma.

“Do you think we did well? I got the feeling my landing after the Toe Loop was a little wonky…” You asked, concerned about the ranking. You were pleased with how you had performed in the short program, but the technical errors made during the free skating segment worried you a little.

Niall grunted a laugh in response to your question. “You think yours was bad? How about mine during the Axel? I completely messed it up.”

“We'll work hard to improve those for the next phase of the championship, which I'm still confident you'll be cleared for.” Paul attempted to reassure you before you began hurling more questions at him. He wasn't usually one to try and avoid other people's drama, but he did during championships, since his stress levels were already at an all-time high. “The duo that came before you were technically very good, but they had a big issue with emotional delivery, which is not a problem for you two.”

“Do you really believe that we’re clear then?” asked Niall, who was beginning to look a little more relieved.

“I’d be outraged if not, but let’s wait for the judges' verdict... they’ll announce your score at any moment now. We’ll still have to wait to see how the other pairs do, but I’m not expecting any big surprises.”

Sure enough, not long after Paul finished speaking, you heard what sounded like the beginning of an announcement. “Oh God, I think it’s happening- quick, someone hold my hand.” Niall stepped forward as soon as you asked, and when your scoring sheet came, you both immediately focused on it - scrutinizing all the details of the technical elements and program components of your performance. “Please, please, please, please…oh my- Ahh!!” Your muttering turned into a shriek as Niall’s arms encircled your shoulders in a tight embrace. You both laughed out loud and started jumping up and down as soon as you hugged him back. It was a thrilling moment.

Despite a few technical flaws, you were able to match your score from the previous year, what indicated that you would not only progress to the next phase but most likely also make it to the podium.

“It was well deserved, my dears… bravo!” Paul, who had been peeking at the sheet from behind you, commended with a clap.

“We wouldn’t have done it without you, coach.”

“I appreciate the compliment, but it was your hard work that got you here. I only made a few tweaks here and there.” In all of his extreme campiness, the man grinned broadly and clapped enthusiastically. “Oh, what an amazing effort and outcome! I can't say I'm surprised when you are my favorite skaters to watch… together with the new girl who arrived from Xiamen, of course.”

“Mei?” A flustered Niall asked upon hearing the coach mention the girl he knew well.

“Ah yes, she’s marvelous! I tried to pair her up with Maurice as soon as she got here but sadly, she refused. Said that apart from you Niall, none of the male skaters were at level with her and well, what could I say? She wasn’t wrong.” Niall's flushed cheeks escaped Paul's notice because his attention was drawn somewhere in the back. It was well-off because if it hadn't been, Paul might have had the urge to play cupid. If there was one thing he adored more than teaching, it was putting pairs together, especially when they were actual lovebirds. “Oh no, I believe I just saw one of my students explode into tears...” Despite the way he took his hand to his chest in dramatic fashion, there was a hint of amusement in his voice. “Better go check out the situation over there now… but once again, my darlings… congrats, and good luck!”

“Thanks, coach.” You both spoke as Paul fled the scene. But as soon as the two of you were alone together, Niall turned to you and exclaimed, “Wow, did you hear that? How cool is it that she thinks I'm at level with her?” He grinned to himself like lovesick fool, “Do you think there could be any another meaning to that?”

“I think it means she thinks you’re cute.” That sounded like something one would say if they were interested. “And, has probably fantasized about being your skating partner, which won’t happen because I’m not up for trading you with Maurice either, but you should definitely ask her out.”

“Do you really think so?” You made a gesture as though the answer was obvious. “What should I ask her to do, then? I'm not even sure what options there are. I'm terrible at planning dates.”

“Hmm… she seems a bit competitive, so I imagine she would like something she could beat you at, like bowling or the arcade. But you could also play it safe and take her to the aquarium instead; that's always a win.”

“Oh man, you're really good at this,” He noted down your suggestions on his phone so he wouldn't forget them later. “Oh, and by the way, I didn’t want to switch partners either... you know how gassy I get when I'm nervous for a performance. I can't let her see me like that.”

“Yeah, I know. Don’t remind me.”

Since Niall seemed to be distracted by his thoughts and phone, you took the opportunity to approach the rink's edge and have a look at the benches near exit B.

The sight made your stomach drop.

Harry wasn’t there.

However, there was a vacant seat in the back, suggesting that someone had been sitting there up until recently. You thought he'd stick around until you left...

Your heart had been racing at the prospect of seeing him after the contest was over, but now that he was gone, you were beginning to suspect that you weren't the skater who had enticed him to attend.

That empty seat - it sent your mind into a tailspin and brought back the one reason why you had broken up with that…

Backstabbing traitor.

Honestly, you were furious at your own stupidity for harboring expectations. He didn't care about you. Never had, never would. He only cared about himself.

Niall joined you at the border, leaning against it like you were. “We have to go out tonight to celebrate. I don't even care if we make the top three; the fact that we're sure we'll go to the next phase is enough for me.”

You put on a brave face. “Where were you thinking of going?”

“I don’t know. Somewhere we don’t have to drive to. My goal is to consume enough alcohol to have no memory of how I got home tomorrow morning.”

“Huh uh, and then it's up to me to put up with your drunken gibberish and drag you to bed at the end of the night… got it.”

“Eh, I'm sure I’d make it on my own... it wouldn't be the first time.” He half- shouldered and after a brief moment of silence, offered a suggestion. “I heard there will be a party tonight at the sports bar. It'd be fun to go, but I don't know... there’s a chance the hockey team will be there.”

You took a deep breath in, “I have no problem going if you want... even if they're there. I don't give a damn about them.”

“Seriously? Awesome then! It's going to be fun; you'll see... and there will be other girls there too. I think Natalia will, at least... I saw her posting about it on Facebook.” Niall reported enthusiastically, already animated about the plans. You tried to look lively as well, or at least smile a little.

“Will Mei be there?”

“Oh, I have no idea. I hope not... or yes, I don't even know.”

You forced a smile again, thinking to yourself that that was exactly how you felt about a very, very infuriating player.

It was almost certainly the worst party of the century, and you'd gotten dressed up for it.

There was music playing, but it was at such a low volume that it was completely drowned out by the sound of the television, which was, predictably, broadcasting sports nonstop. An NFL game was currently on, but you weren't even interested enough to bother finding out who was partaking. The whites were pitted against the blues. That was all you needed to know.

You and Niall had taken a seat in a quiet corner, wanting to hold a table in reserve for when the bar started getting crowded. That hadn’t exactly happened, at least not in the way you had anticipated. Several people had arrived, but none of them were especially fascinating to you.

There was an old man drinking alone, three suit-clad men in their 40s, a group made out of six male friends and two supportive girlfriends, a super fan of one of the teams playing who spoke more to the television than everyone else in the room combined, and, interestingly enough, Natalia.

She was the only reason why you stayed instead of going elsewhere.

When she walked into the bar and saw you and Niall, a look of great relief had taken over her entire face. She'd sat down at your table and hadn't gotten up since. Five consecutive beers later, Niall was already slightly boozed up.

Because of your early bird sleep schedule, you guys didn't typically come out for drinks much. As a result, it didn't take long for him to start getting a little drowsy while staring intently at the TV, leaving you to listen to Natalia's ramblings.

That was what you got for choosing soda over something stronger.

She had been telling you about how she’d went there to meet a guy she was casually texting with, but apparently the night had changed his plans and he had ended up going to another bar with his friends.

She still had plans to meet him there until the night was done but was currently pretending to be busy and unconcerned as payback. All he had heard from her in the last 2 hours was that she had ran into some friends and decided to hang out with them a while. “You know… just so he doesn't think I’m that interested,” she had confided to you after taking a sip of her beer.

Speaking of beer, Niall had practically passed out on top of his. He was officially knocked out, and you were going to have to take him home soon. This party was shit, but the mere thought of dragging your well-built friend up the stairs of your apartment was making you want to stay longer.

Fortunately, Natalia offered to help you carry him because she was also going in that direction, and ultimately ended up assisting you in putting him to bed, and using your bathroom as well. On her way out, you offered to walk her to the door, at which point she gave you a once-over and questioned, “Would you like to come to this other party with me?”

You blew air out of your cheeks. “Ha, thanks but I'm not sure I want to go out again...”

“Oh, okay. It's just….you’ve dressed up so nicely. If I were you, I think I wouldn't resign myself to that lame party we went to. I would have thought it would be a waste of that outfit.” She bounced on her heels. “Just for a little while? It's not far. It's practically right next door.”

“Where is it again?”

“At the other sports bar—I know, it sounds dull—but this one is packed because the hockey team is having a party there.”

You knew which bar she was referring to, and its location wasn't exactly what you considered to be right next door. Sure, it was within walkable distance, but it was getting late. A little too late for a girl to be safe walking by herself outside.

You realized that keeping Natalia company just because you didn’t want her to walk alone was dumb since you would be putting yourself in the same predicament on the way home, but you still felt bad knowing she would be walking by herself there.

Besides, she was right; you deserved to be seen by more people. And, especially by a certain hockey player who had been dumb enough not to appreciate what he had while he had it. The only problem was that, as usual, he wasn't really in the mood for being appreciative.

He was in the mood to be nasty, and his expression made that clear when he didn't look the least bit pleased to see you arrive.

The razor sharp glance he sent your way caused your confidence to dwindle. He didn't want you at this bar, and fortunately for both of you, you weren't in the frame of mind to defy his wishes. As a matter of fact, you had already turned around and exited the same door you had entered through, but then you heard him approach you from behind. “What the fuck are you doing out here alone?” His intervention stopped you in your tracks, but you never turned to face him. He crossed the sidewalk to get to you. “Where’s Niall?”

“In bed.” You responded candidly. “I just came to walk a friend, but don’t worry… I'm already leaving.”

“Alone?”

“Obviously. Unless, of course, you have any intentions of walking home with me, which I doubt.”

“Why would I ever wanna do that?” He asked brusquely, but his voice instantly grew softer when he noticed your dejected grimace. “Would you like me to?”

“Would it make any difference if I did?”

He shrugged. “Maybe.”

“You know what? Fuck you.” God, that felt great to get off your chest. “Seriously, why do you have to act so goddamn cold around me all the time?! It's aggravating!”

He snorted in disbelief. “Fuck me? No, fuck you. It was you who made me in this way! You broke me.” He got closer, until he was practically in your face. “How am I supposed to act Y/N? Tell me, how do you want me to act after what you did to me?”

“After what I've done to you? I was in love with you, you jerk!”

“Why did you break up with me, then?”

It didn't matter that you weren't scared of him, you still weren't immune to the pressure his eyes were putting on you. Your façade was crumbling. “You know why.”

“Cut the shit, Y/N.” He insisted, practically snarling. “You're lying to me, just like you did before. I saw it in your fucking eyes the other day, and I see it right now! Why did you break up with me?”

Harry’s agitating proximity was making you lose your cool. For the first time, you felt compelled to answer the question truthfully, so you did, “Because I found out you were cheating on me.”

His face fell. “What?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Harry. I saw your dms all right? ‘can't talk right now, gf’s here. i’ll hit you up as soon as she leaves’, does that ring any bells? No? How about ‘nah, we’re fine. she won’t get sus.’?”

“I swear to God, I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“Really? Well then, maybe you forgot the texts, but I'm sure you remember the nudes she sent you, don't you?”

“What nudes?”

“Stop, okay? I saw it with my own eyes! She was sending you disappearing photos. I’m not stupid, Harry- I know what that feature is for! And then you asked for more, from different angles, and when she sent them you were all like ‘wow. those look amazing’… Oh! and of course, my personal favorite, ‘definitely much better than hers lol’.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I am talking about a skater who came here in the last competition. The one you were going to meet up with behind my back.” He appeared to be totally lost as his brows were furrowed deeply. “Oh wait, I think I get it now. She wasn't the only one, was she? That’s why you don't remember. You’ve probably lost track.”

“I never cheated on you.” It almost sounded true the way he said it. Shame that you knew he was lying. “I might have talked with a girl or two while we were dating, but never with that purpose in mind and I’ve certainly never made plans to meet any of them.”

Your scoff was loud and clear. “So you want me to believe that it was all a coincidence that after you cancelled our plans that day, I happened to walk into the locker rooms and there was a girl saying she was going to be meeting up with you at the time we were supposed to be hanging out?"

“And you believed her?”

“Why would I not believe her, Harry? She showed me the convo. She showed me your profile. It was you!”

“Hold on, wait- you said she was a skater?”

“Yeah, and-” Unexpectedly, Harry started laughing, as if he thought this was some kind of practical joke that you were playing on him. “What are you laughing about you maniac?”

He kept laughing, but his laughter had become cynical, like he couldn’t believe this could actually be happening. “That bitch. That big fucking bitch…” He wrapped his arms over his head and started pacing aimlessly. “She came up to you and told you that bullshit? How did she even know who you were? ‘Cause I didn’t tell her… wanna know why? Because of this! Because I know how bigmouthed skaters are and I didn't want her to start spreading shit around.”

You crossed your arms. “Oh, so you're admitting to it, then?”

“No!” Harry shouted; a bit louder than he meant to. “I mean yes, I talked to her, but none of what she told you is true.” You rolled your eyes, still not convinced. “I don't get how you believed her though. What, some girl comes up to you like “hey, sorry to break it to you but your boyfriend is a cheater”, and you just believe her? Is that really how little you trusted me? I mean, fuck Y/N…”

“That is not how it happened, asshole.” You responded defensively. “I overheard her talk with her friend, so I butted in on their conversation. I pretended I was just a fan of yours and asked her to give me the scoop. She got all haughty and told me everything, including the juicy bits.”

“What juicy bits? There were no juicy bits…” He brought his fingers to his eyes and rubbed them ferociously. His anguish was evidenced by the tic. “Why didn't you ask me? Couldn't you just make a scene? Slap me? Call me names? I mean, shit… If you had asked me I would have explained myself and all this shit would have been avoided. But no, of course you couldn't just ask. You had to break up with me through a text out of the blue, saying you liked someone else and leave me thinking you were in love with fucking Niall or some shit.”

“You thought I was in love with Niall? Are you actually insane?”

“Is it really so far-fetched? I mean, you two are always together, and when you're skating he's always holding you and touching you and whatnot. I always thought he was a bit too handsy with you, so it wasn't hard to assume...”

“Harry… Niall is my best friend.”

“What are you trying to say, then? That nothing happened between you two? Even in the past few weeks, whenever I would ask you something, you would always be like, “Oh, I was just with Niall doing this or that”. It was like- like you were rubbing it in my face.” You felt glad that Harry was finally speaking up and expressing his feelings, even if his words were still tinged with bitterness. “I went crazy on Tuesday when you told me he was waiting for you in the car. Just the thought of him taking you home and touching you like I used to made me so... resentful, I guess that’d be the best word to describe it. I wanted to get even with you. To make you feel used in the same way I did. To prove to you that I was better and that you had made the wrong choice by picking him. I wanted to give you a taste of what it was like and then take it away. Even worse, I wanted you to feel guilty about cheating on him, without any real gratification to back it up.”

You exhaled in disbelief, shaking your head. “So that's what that thing on Tuesday was about? It was revenge ‘cause you thought I had left you to go be with Niall? Christ, Harry… I never imagined you'd think it was him, much less that you’d care if it was.” You paused, taking a deep breath before telling him the whole truth. “I only said I liked someone ‘cause I thought getting dumped would hit you harder if you felt like you were easy to replace. I didn't want to give you the satisfaction of knowing you had hurt me, so figured if you thought I wasn't that into you, I'd have the upper hand in some way.”

“Fuck, Y/N…You really fucking crushed my heart that day. I've never felt more miserable in my life.”

“It was your fault for having conversations with other girls behind my back. And just to get things straight, even if it was just sexting and you had no intentions of doing anything, that still counts as cheating and it's enough reason for me to be glad I ended things with you.”

“I told you already, I never sexted with her. There was only one reason why we were talking and that was because I was going to buy something for you.”

“What-” You choked momentarily. “What are you referring to?”

“Your coach said you needed to get a replacement for something. Something you didn't want to ask your mom money for because she had just bought you a new outfit for the competition.” You blinked twice, as recollections prior to that day began to flood back to you. “Do you remember now?”

“What, you mean like the new blades for my skates?” There was an urgent expression on Harry's face, as well as a look of impending madness in his eyes. He nodded his head. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Did you notice her skates?”

“No, not really.” You replied honestly. You supposed that your indescribable rage at the time toward her and your ex-boyfriend might have prevented you from noticing that minor detail, but so what? Why was that relevant?

“She was wearing Riedells, but she used to wear Jacksons, the exact same model you have.”

“Okay…?”

His hands touched your arms as he came closer. “She added me on Instagram, and I saw that she was selling her old skate blades for a good price. She had to get new boots and ended up changing brands, so she opted to get new blades too.” You were a bit baffled, but nevertheless interested in seeing where he was going with this. “The point is she was looking to sell her Jackson blades second-hand, and I was going get them ‘cause they were practically new, and even had that cool purple finish you liked and all that. The so-called nudes you thought she was sending me were actually pictures of her skates because I wanted to make sure everything was in good shape before I bought it.”

His revelation shocked you to your core, leaving you shaking your head in bewilderment. “Why in the world would you do that?”

He locked his wide-eyed gaze on yours, as if the answer should be evident. “‘Cause your crusty, old-ass blades were holding you back! You were off the ice sharpening them every 10 minutes. Everyone could tell. Even your coach kept pointing it out.”

“Yeah but why would you do something like that behind my back?”

“Because you would have thrown a fit if I told you beforehand. You would have never let me get them even if it was a good deal.” He took his phone out of his coat pocket and started fiddling with it as he spoke. “Here. Just for the sake of transparency, I'd like you to read the whole thing. That way you can get rid of any suspicions you might still have.” After some scrolling, he found the old conversation, opened it, passed the phone to your hands and waited.

His body language indicated that he was impatient for you to finish reading, but he gave you some time to do so. “Are you done?” He inquired as soon as you stared at him. Face now dotted in tears from regret upon realizing he was telling the truth.

“I’m sorry, I-” Your tone was broken. The moment after you handed back the phone, you practically collapsed to the ground, shielding your eyes with your hands to try to contain your tears. “I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions based on what that girl told me... she was lying and I- I fell for it like an idiot when I should have known better. You were my boyfriend, and I- I should have given you the benefit of the doubt. I should have confronted you and asked for an explanation instead of just breaking up with you without telling you the real reason why.”

“Baby, hey…” Harry knelt beside you and supported your back, refusing to let you sit on the street floor. “We’ll figure it out, okay? We're talking. There's no need to be sad about it now. Come on, let's sit on a bench or something.” You stood up after saying yes with your head. As Harry sat beside you, his hand clutched yours. He touched it lovingly before and after he began speaking, “I'm really sorry too... for being too proud to question you about it. After your text, I kind of just assumed you had been using me to make Niall jealous and stuff. It made me feel stupid, which is why I didn't initially intervene when our coach messed up your practice. You were right, I could have said something, but as childish as it sounds, I saw that as a way to get back at the two of you.”

“I suppose we were both idiots, right?” You asked, turning your head to face him with a sniffle. “We’ve ruined something good just because we were too scared to speak of it.”

He chuckled briefly, almost painfully. “Yeah, I guess so…” His gaze paused on his feet for a moment before returning to you. “We could still um... try, if you want to.”

You sniffled once more, this time with a glimmer of hope. “Try?”

“Yeah, to get back together. If you wanted to, I can't think of any reason why we shouldn't.”

Your mind wandered for a moment. There was something missing from the proposal. Your heart liked it, but something more was needed. “Do you even like me, or are you saying that just because it feels like the right thing to do?”

“Do I like you? Y/N, I love you.” It was Harry's hands that lifted your face off the floor, so you had to look him in the eyes. Those dazzling, bright green eyes of his. “Do you love me?”

“Yeah, I do, quite a lot…” With a big smile on his face, Harry brought his gaze to your lips, a silent warning of what was coming next. It was a beautiful moment, but the brat in you couldn't resist, “…considering Niall is still unavailable and all…”

Harry's fingers wrapped around your jaw and squeezed your cheeks a little. “Not funny.” His lips touched yours.

Your lips touched his. “A little funny.”

“Don’t upset me.”

“Why?” You nipped his lower lip. “What are you going to do, Harry?”

“It’s dirty...”

“Now I really want to know.”

He flashed a sly smile, then leaned over and touched your ear with his lips. “I’m going to take you home with me and have you make up for all the time you made me go without that mouth.” Your breath caught in your throat as you considered what he had said, and once you finally let it out, it came out as a whimper. His hand squeezed your thigh in response. “Gonna lick you too... make you cum… how does that sound, princess?”

A blur filled the distance between the bar and Harry's rented flat. The only thing you could recall was the warm dampness of his mouth stealing kisses from yours as he took your hand and led you there.

There were also reminiscences of kissing at the front door, in the hallway, on the bedroom wall, and finally on the bed, where you hurriedly undressed one another out of an intense desire to see and touch again.

Harry's eyes were filled with hunger. It was not surprising that a few moments later you were sprawled across the bedding, with a very hungry mouth lapping at the space between your spread-out legs. “You love it when I bury my face in your pussy like this, don’t you? Your thighs are shaking so much…”

“Can you really blame me? You're- ngh, so good.”

“Mmm, baby... when you're this tasty and creamy, it really isn't difficult. I could lick you around here all day…” He gave your pussy a thorough, slow lick, his green eyes fixed on yours. “Maybe I will,”

Holding his hair a little tighter, you let out a panting breath. “I think I'd cum a lot.”

“Mhm, you’d look so cute cumming in my mouth…” He lowered his head once more, this time offering not only his tongue but also some suction. “Are you gonna cum in my mouth, Y/N? Gonna let me lick it all up?” That was his final set of questions before he went down with the intent of not coming back up until he got what he wanted. From there, the rise was quick and easy. Within a minute or so, you were whining loudly and shaking all over.

“Mm-hmm… ah, mm… I'm gonna cum in your mouth. I’m gonna come in your- I’m gonna-” You muttered as you got closer and closer, until finally, that nice, warm feeling swept through your entire body, causing it to writhe on the bed.

Harry still licked you for a while longer, moaning at the taste on his tongue and mumbling something about how hot and wet it was. He was having fun, so you let him have it until your clit started getting tender, at which point he stopped and crawled up to kiss you.

He was being very loving and gentle, but his reproductive system had other ideas. The heat of his erection touched your skin, reminding you that he was probably already experiencing some discomfort from being so horny, so you told him to be still and got on your belly in between his legs.

“Fuck baby…” He moaned, letting his head fall back as soon as he felt your soft lips close around his tip and sucking it into your mouth. “That’s perfect… nice and slow, suck me just like that...”

You did as he said, not that you had other option because you had a sensitive gag reflex. You could never really get your head to sink all that far. As soon as your lips passed the halfway point in the length, you started to choke on it. You were a little self-conscious about it at first, but Harry had never complained. He loved your blowies regardless, and whenever you asked him if he minded, he always argued that what got him most was watching you suck with eagerness, not how far you down could take it.

Meanwhile, you always used your hand to make up for what was missing and tried to maintain eye contact because you knew he liked to look into your eyes - especially when they started to become watery from the effort.

“Yes. Right there, baby… that feels so good.” He praised when you began alternating between sucking and licking the underside of his glans. You could tell he was getting close. The taste of precum in your mouth had grown stronger, and the muscles at the base were starting to get twitchier. “Keep your eyes open, look at me. Shit, so fucking hot.”

You were expecting him to finish, but instead he breathed in deeply and gently guided your head away. “Did it stop feeling good?”

He smiled broadly and caressed your cheek. “No, it was too good, that's why I stopped you.”

“We didn't have to stop; you know I like how it tastes.”

“I know, but I don't want it to end like this; I want to try other stuff.” He explained as he guided your body up onto the bed and into a laid down position. His proposition intrigued you, despite the fact you didn't really know what he was plotting. He had your trust, even when he placed himself between your legs and opened them wide. “Do you mind if cum over your pussy while I rub up on you? It's more intimate this way.”

“No, I don't mind. It sounds hot.” You replied with a small chuckle, so he drew closer and rubbed his erection on you - collecting the moisture between your lips and continuing to spread it up from your hole. When he struck your clit, you moaned and let out a small “…that feels good.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” His hands held your knees in place while his hips took care of the rest. Harry was right; it felt more intimate like this, especially because your pleasure was being shared rather than taken in turns.

Rubbing up on each other was all you did for some time, until things started to heat up more. Harry re-grabbed his erection, which was growing hotter and harder, and guided it down to your hole. “Don’t panic, I’m not going to push it in.” He warned before you felt his tip nudge your opening, applying just a bit of pressure. “I want you to want me to push it in.”

“God, you’re so hot.” It was impossible not to say it after hearing that sentence come out of his mouth. Especially being aware that his intention wasn't to encourage you to ask right away, but to assure you that he wouldn't do anything unless you wanted him to. He would always respect your limits, no matter how difficult it was for him to refrain from going any further while gently pushing the tip in and out. At times he would groan a little and push a little harder, but then, just when you thought he was about to give in, he would pull out and go back to rubbing around your clit.

“Push it in.” You blurted out suddenly when he was about to do it again. “I can't handle any more of this go, no go situation. It feels really good, but it's driving me insane, and I bet it's driving you insane as well.”

Harry chuckled at your directness. “Yeah, it is a bit. I'm dying to break you in as I’m sure you can tell. I really want to fuck you, but I’ll hold out until-”

“I don't want to wait any longer. We've already waited far too long.”

“Okay, um… if you’re sure you want to...” He smiled and caressed your legs as he spoke. “If we skip on the rubber, is that okay with you? It'll feel better like this… and since it's your first time, I'm guessing you want to know what the real deal feels like. I'll pull out before, so don't worry.”

“Yeah, I think I'd like to know how natural feels first...”

“You'll love it, I'm sure.” He climbed on top of you, seizing the opportunity to love up on you a bit when he felt you place your arms around his back to pull him closer. “I’m going to do the exact same thing we were doing before. The only difference is that this time I'll be pushing to get inside, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” You nodded, pecking his lips again before saying, “You can go, I’m ready.”

Harry adjusted himself on top of you, getting into position, and then he pushed. Because of the foreplay, he didn't have to press all that hard for you to feel it slip inside. It didn't hurt nearly as much as you presumed. It was only a slight stretching, but it was a really pleasurable fullness. It was like, after all the buildup, your body was relieved to be getting what it had been craving.

Taking one step at a time, Harry’s hips swung back and forth to urge the rest of him inside as well. You were moaning under your breath from his thrusts, even though they were slow and tentative. “Are you alright? Is it hurting?” He asked when he noticed your noises becoming slightly louder.

“No, I'm fine- there’s no pain at all.”

“Good, that's awesome.” He said, clearly pleased with the news. “I'll move slowly at first. As we go, the pace will pick up a little. I promise to be gentle but let me know if you're uncomfortable with anything.”

“Okay but don't worry too much, I'm really enjoying it.”

“What if I do this?” As he asked the question, he moved his hips so that his tip was aligned with the inside spot his fingers always searched for.

“Oh- Mhm, that’s good.” It really was. It felt amazing- to be this close and full and have Harry holding you and grunting right next to your ear, all because your pussy was warm and making him feel good.

He began moving more freely once he sensed you letting go a little more. The sound of his hips slamming into yours was filthy, as were the sobs of pleasure coming from your mouths at every snap. “Fuck baby, you feel incredible around me.” Harry purred, “I'm glad we skipped the condom but being this close to you is driving my dick crazy. You're making it really hard for me not to-”

“It’s okay if you do, I don’t mind.”

You felt Harry’s head shake in response. “You before me.” He stated firmly, like that was an important criterion for him. His lips brushed up against your collarbone, then up to kiss your neck and your ear. “I’ll give you my dick all night if I have to. I don’t care how long it takes- you’ll cum on it.” He changed positions slightly and then, after checking his mouth for spit, lowered his hand and said, “…Perhaps a little extra would help-” before you felt his thumb start rubbing over your clit.

Your reaction was immediate – you twitched on the bed and made an obscene sound. Harry’s hips and thumb sped up in response to your moaning. “That's it, baby. Moan- show me what feels good.”

“Please nghh… I wanna cum, make me cum.”

“Fuck me, your pussy’s perfect.” By how tightly Harry’s other hand gripped your flesh, you could tell he was holding back not to burst. He usually held up well, but the time you guys had spent fondling had clearly affected him as much as it had you - not to mention the extra thrill of trying something new. “Come on baby, let’s go… just focus on the pleasure… think of how full you are-”

A moan and tremor accompanied your positive response to his words. “Mhm, that's me. You're full of me. It’s my dick inside you, making you feel good,” More spit was added to his hand, intensifying the sensations on your clit. “And that’s me here too… you can feel it, can’t you baby? Yeah, I know… do you like when I flick your little clit like that? It’s so wet… I bet it feels so good.”

Your unconscious was gripped by Harry’s words, that were forcing your mind to hone in on exactly what he was saying. “Oh my god,” You sobbed out loud as you began to feel your senses heighten beyond control and then, within mere seconds, your entire body was enveloped in a strong, warm sensation of pleasure all over again.

“Fuck- that’s right, baby. Cum for me- wanna feel you on my- Shit. Oh, fuck-” He pulled out at the last second – grunting as he jerked himself into spurting thick white cream over your clit and his thumb, that was still flicking over it to finish you off. “…Fuck yess.” That was his last growl, uttered once he started rubbing his dick on you again. His hand milked it down to the last drop, letting it sprinkle all over your swollen pussy lips.

Right after he finished, you looked into his eyes, and they were glowing. A big smile engulfed his face as he burst into laughter. His laugh was effervescent and contagious. You couldn't resist the urge to join him since the oxytocin rush was making you want to giggle as well.

“Are you okay?”

“Mhm, I’m okay. I promise.”

“Good, that's what I was most concerned about.” He explained as he stood up. “Let me just get something to clean you up while we unwind, okay? We made quite a mess.”

“Yeah, okay- thank you.” In an instant, Harry left the room and came back carrying a towel that had been soaked in hot water. He sat at your feet and began cleaning you gently. You smiled as you watched him. “Was it good for you?”

He returned your smile. “It was you, so… how could it not be good? It was like, way better than good… but uh, I want to know from your perspective. How did you like it?”

“It was perfect- everything was. Honestly, it couldn’t have been more perfect. I don't think many girls have a first time that’s this nice.” You tensed a little when you saw him inspect your hole; he touched it with his fingers and opened it to look. You had no idea what he was looking for, but you guessed he was just curious to see what had changed. “Am I bleeding?”

“Not that I can see, no. I was a little worried because I thought I might have been too rough. I don’t know, I wasn't planning on doing this today, but it happened and…” He paused, then knelt on the bed and kissed the area between your legs softly. They were appreciative kisses. “I guess I just want to make sure that you're okay and happy with how it went.”

Your fingers stroked his hair as he continued to kiss you. His eyes locked on yours. “I wasn’t expecting it to happen today either, but I'm happy it did, and I’m not saying it just for the sake of saying it. It was really perfect and no, not rough at all. It was really good... and special, like you wanted.” The sparkle in his eyes suggested how pleased he was to hear those words come from your mouth. “I’m really, really happy that it was you.”

“I’m really, really fucking happy that it was me too.”

taglist: @victoria-styles

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farfromsugafanfic · 1 year

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Stray reaction to s/o being scared of having sex with them because of ex partners being pushy?

I recently just got out of a r/ship like, and chan had inspired me to leave (or like when i listened to the music it felt like he was giving me confidence to do it)

SKZ Reaction To You Being Scared Of Sex Because Of An Ex [Hyung Line]

Genre: angst, fluff

Warnings: mature (minors dni) mentions of sex, allusions to past toxic/abusive relationships, not explicitly mentioned but could be a trigger for sexual assault

A/N: Thanks for the request! I am SO glad you got out of that relationship. It can be hard when you feel like you're being inadequate, but ultimately, we all have boundaries and our partners need to respect them. Also, uh, this got long lol.

Chan:

"Why would I be mad at you?"

The words were spoken after you had discussed sex for the first time in your relationship with Chan. It was a natural next step and it wasn't that you didn't want to have sex with him, but you weren't ready after feeling obligated to have sex in your last relationship. It became a chore and not enjoyable for you.

After you explained your needs, you expect Chan to become frustrated at best and angry at best. Even though he was nothing like your ex, your traumatized brain discontinued logic in that moment. Instead, Chan nodded in understanding, becoming confused when your eyes widened and you stuttered over your words.

He knew about your ex, but as you explained, you saw the muscles in his jaw tighten. When you finished, he pulled you into a hug and kissed the top of your head ensuring you that he would never pressure you for sex or anything else you didn't want to do.

Minho:

"Mm, okay, love, let's cuddle instead."

Minho had seen the way your ex would grip your thigh as a signal he wanted to duck into the bedroom. At first, he thought you were okay with it. You seemed happy. Until you weren't. Soon you asked him to text you with an emergency so you didn't have to spend the night with your ex. Your eyes became desperate.

Minho found himself glued to his phone whenever he knew you were with him. When you showed up at his apartment in the early hours of the morning with the black tracks of mascara mixed with tears on your cheeks, he immediately took you in, locked the door, and you never saw your ex again.

Now, it was Minho's arms you fell asleep in every night. But, despite the fact the two of you had dated for several months, you hadn't had sex. Minho never seemed to mind, but did bring it up occasionally, primarily in moments where making out seemed to heat up to something more.

Inevitably, you'd shake your head sheepishly, but Minho never let you feel bad about it. He'd wrap his arms around you and kiss your hair instead.

Changbin:

"You're not broken."

Seeing Changbin caused a pang in your chest. Everything about him was the same except for his body now sporting several pounds of muscle. You gave him a smile, but based on the way his eyes scanned over you and his brow furrowed you knew he could tell that you had also changed.

You and Changbin--high school sweethearts--had broken up before each of you went to separate colleges. It was summer now and you'd been looking forward to coming home to get away from the pain and sadness your first year of college held.

Within a few weeks of reuniting, the two of you began to rekindle the romance of the past. Older, wiser, and more experienced, the two of you quickly picked up where you left off. Except, when Changbin went to pull off your shirt, you stopped him.

After asking what was wrong, the entire story spilled out of you. As tears spilled, Changbin pulled you close and explained that he'd never blame you for what happened and he'd wait as long as you needed.

Hyunjin:

"You'll never disappoint me."

You liked Hyunjin. A lot. Which is why your hands shook as you worked up the courage to tell him about your ex. Hyunjin had not once brought up sex, but based on the way you always seemed to be the one to stop in heated moments, you could only assume it was because of you.

After dinner, you decided to broach the topic while sitting on the couch while Hyunjin scrolled through Netflix to find a movie to watch. Hyunjin's eyes widened at your sudden serious demeanor. But, he didn't interrupt, letting you tell him everything you needed to. Your worst fear is that putting off sex would be a dealbreaker for him.

When you finished, Hyunjin didn't say anything but just looked at you for several long seconds. Eventually, his hand reached over and his fingers intertwined with yours. His lips met the crest of your ear before pulling back and asking what movie you wanted to watch.

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dr3amofagame · 4 months

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hot take: las nevadas four does not queue up a c!q redemption arc. las nevadas five makes some interesting forays in the direction of comeuppance but fails to make the narrative link between that comeuppance and, ultimately, any change. the reason for this is because the prison arc is inadequately integrated into ln4 and ln5. (i'm writing an ln5 essay rn and this is my prompt for you to join me in hell)

i think people who think LN was heading towards a c!quackity redemption arc were tripping fr 😭 like it's not that i would oppose the idea of c!quackity like, even heading in a different direction. but he didn't? he literally didn't. his interactions with c!slime were never examples of c!quackity realizing the dark course he was taking and changing his ways--if anything, they were a reason to double down? he makes a literal slime army in LN5 like. a literal slime army.

i feel like it comes from this misconception that c!Quackity's whole deal revolves around how he ~cares~ for people, and when he felt betrayed and whatever by the fiances and such then his heart froze over and he went for ambition instead. and therefore learning to care for something can unfreeze his heart and make him good again, or something (<- oversimplified). but c!quackity's deal isn't that he closed his heart off to love? like c!quackity's issue is that he's terminally insecure and therefore kinda terminally self-centered--even in c!karlnapity, he was frequently portrayed as being insecure as hell about c!karlnap and preferred when the attention was on him. when c!karl was freaking the fuck out at him in LN4, his immediate reaction to c!karl like having literal memory loss was to scream at him.

all of this is way oversimplified for the record but it's like.

like, c!quackity and c!slime isn't about redemption as much as it is giving c!quackity an opportunity. and what we largely see, honestly, is c!quackity caring about c!slime...and also grooming him to be like, the successor of his country, seeing him as something malleable that he could use to create another version of himself. it's not that c!quackity was necessarily seeking to harm c!slime, but was he being manipulative? i mean, yeah???

and yeah, for sure, LN4 and especially LN5 heavily suffer from a lack of the prison being properly addressed. the prison and c!dream in specifics haunts c!quackity throughout the entirety of LN--any conclusion to this arc no matter what direction c!Quackity took needed a proper resolution to the prison imo ???

like i don't hate purpled's revenge quest, but bringing it back to purpled-quackity-slime Again in LN5 after the conclusion of LN4 made that all hit a lot less hard. i liked the c!punz scene tbh and i also liked c!dream's ditching las nevadas, but that also feels a lot less impactful when he had like, five lines and barely a confrontation (fuck the internet connection there FR). like, c!Quackity rejecting change isn't bad in itself, but it feels like later parts of las nevadas emphasize his decisions less in favor of what's done to him, and what's done to him doesn't feel enough like a consequence of his own actions. furthermore, so much about Las Nevadas and the Prison (the revive book in specifics) has everything to do with self-centered ambition moreso than revenge, and it feels like that in particular gets kinda poorly addressed? like, the deal with c!Purpled doesn't have to do with revenge, he's not really taking revenge on Purpled--he is, however, ambitious and doing everything that he thinks will make Las Nevadas Great, and the whole thing with him still continuing doggedly on LAS NEVADAS!! even after alluvthat is much more of a commentary on his relationship with power and ambition than on revenge.

this is kinda scattered (like the LN finale LMAO!) but yeah. las nevadas is literally created as a response to imprisoning c!dream, the beginning of this arc happens in parallel to the beginning of his visiting the prison, so having c!dream play as small as a role as he did in the latter two streams really ends up hurting the arc as a whole when so much emphasis had been on c!quackity and ... violence? both outside of the prison and inside it. having c!quackity come to terms with the fact that he does in fact suck fell kinda flat without properly addressing the ways that he actually does suck...? anyway yeah not the best essay kat dorry

#my asks !!#kat :D #disk horse #<- not really it's just kinda crit ig #c!quackity crit #like las nevadas has a lot of loose threads in General but in a lot of ways it dropped the ball on some of the most important ones #and also im lowkey a c!slime hater on principle lmao #the acting was well done but i think a preoccupation on c!quackity and c!slimecicle in the fandom and in the actual series #led to a failure to address what was most important to the story being told #because all of it just turned into ohhh c!quackity cares about c!slime but he hurt him and now c!slime is telling him why he's a bad person #and it's like. okay and #all this being said i dont hate las nevadas including the final stream #i just think that i bit off more than it could chew a little and then prioritized what it needed to address weirdly

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8greenstickynotes · 8 months

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an incomplete list of sibling dynamics that make me ill (and why):

hazel levesque, nico and bianca di angelo

nico being so dependent on bianca only to loose her because she was so emotionally tired of looking after a child when she was a child too, that despite her loving him, she just couldn't look after him like that anymore. And then nico finding hazel and using her to fill that empty space inside him and later desperately trying to separate bianca and hazel into their own people after he used hazel as a replacement, while trying not to make hazel feel inadequate but she already knows that she'll never be what nicos looking for and fjlgflsjkhsfjkd

carys and aled last

carys leaving aled thinking he'll be okay because he was always the good one and exactly what carol (the mother) wanted but unknowingly condemning him to a life he hates because she didn't realize he felt like that. And aled loving carys despite knowing that theoretically he should resent her. And him writing to her knowing she will never read it.

tori, charlie and oliver spring

tori struggling silently because she doesn't know how to ask for help and thinking its normal. and charlie struggling silently because he doesn't want to ask for help because it feels like a burden and being noticed and getting help but still feeling like that. and oliver sitting their silently wondering why his older siblings look so sad all the time. (also this quote: 'She doesn’t move. How many times have we sat here next to each other like this?' and everything about this winter.)

tommy shepherd and billy kaplan (comics)

them being born brothers only to be torn apart (quite literally) and billy being born back into a family that is loving and happy and tommy not getting that same privilege and them reconnecting and billy not feeling for tommy the same way tommy feels for him because billy already has brothers and tommy trying to reconnect only to never have the efforts reciprocated and then being ostracized from his first (AND ONL) group of friends and billy doing nothing djghslakjg (i would like to thank the fandom for taking these two away from the writers and fixing their relationship through communication.)

alisa montagova and roma montagov

them only having each other in amongst the rest of the white flowers, but roma has benmars so they don't only have eachother really. and alisa being younger so there's always that bridge they can't cross. and then roma dying, but not dying and alisa not being told and its been 5 years and she still doesn't know, but she will soon and this whole life she'd built for herself around the fact her brothers dead is going to come crashing down and she's, for all thats its worth, only just an adult.

comic!wanda and pietro

they were so close and pietro fucked it up (admittedly because of bad writing) and now its still not been fixed because, how do you fix something like that, and wanda not wanting to see pietro, but also still caring for him. and pietro caring for wanda but not knowing how to properly.

movie!natasha and yelena

natasha knowing something yelena doesn't when they're young only for yelena to become more familiar with it than natasha ever was. and for them to reconnect years later only for natasha to die before they ever got a real chance to know each other again.

scarlet and ivy grey

ivy being compared to scarlet her whole life and eventually having to become her on a level that is just Wrong and when scarlet comes back neither of them are quite Right and it creates this rift that scarlet doesn't know how to cross and ivy doesn't know if she wants to cross and finding out that they're in the same situation but they also aren't and maybe they're not the same people anymore but distorted reflection's (yes thats a mirror reference for the people who've read the books) which should be a good thing but ivy doesn't know how to be anything else except scarlets shadow and scarlet doesn't know how to do anything else except be everything ivy wasn't. (do i care that this is a childrens series? no. so much fucked up shit happens that ive earned the right to analyze their dynamic)

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foundtherightwords · 1 year

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The Quiet Chaos - Chapter 5

Pairing: Billy Knight (Lethal White/Strike) x OFC

Summary: After a bad breakup throws her carefully-planned life into disarray, Esme has sworn off dating forever. However, when she forms an unexpected connection with a young man named Billy, who's dealing with his own struggles, Esme is forced to face the truth: sometimes you can't plan for love.

Warnings: mental health issues, angst, slow-burn, developing relationship, dysfunctional family, some violence (non-graphic), some smut (non-explicit)

Chapter warnings: awkward sex, discussion of self-harm

Chapter word count: 4.4k

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4

Chapter 5 - Dawn and Emerald

It was late, and the tube was packed with weary people coming back from their evening shifts. Esme felt sorry for them, for how downtrodden they looked, and was almost embarrassed for how happy she was. The return journey seemed longer than the journey to the allotment, but it was probably because she was so eager to get off, and so was Billy.

She leaned on his shoulder, her hand in his, their fingers all tangled up. Now and again, she would raise her head, and he leaned down to meet her halfway. Their lips brushed briefly. She wanted to pull him to her and feel his mouth over hers again, but their carriage was nearly full, and she didn't feel brave enough for a public make-out session yet, so she had to satisfy herself with those fleeting touches. Even then, they still made her feel absurdly giddy, like a teenager having her first crush. Not that I know what that's like. When I was a teenager, I was too busy making sure Sibby, Tiff, and Sam ate and bathed and did their homework.

When they reached their station, Billy pulled her back and asked quietly, "Are we going to your place, or mine?"

A thrill went through Esme. Is this really happening? She remembered having to Google "how many dates before you have sex" while going out with Neil, and being so confused because the results were so wildly different. Never would she dream, in a million years, that she would be going home with a guy at the end of their first date. OK, first official date, but still.

As she pondered his question, however, that thrill faded somewhat in the face of practicalities. "Mine is probably better," she said. "Not that there's anything wrong with your flat," she quickly added. "It's just... Angua's not allowed there."

"That's OK. I've always wanted to see where you live." He took her hand again, and they all but ran to her flat.

The moment the door shut behind them, Billy drew her to him, picking up where they'd left off, but Esme couldn't seem to rediscover the excitement she'd felt first in the greenhouse and then on the tube. Her insecurities were rearing their heads, reminding her of a million ways in which she was inadequate, in which this might turn out as disappointing as their botched first date. She extricated her lips from Billy's, muttering, "I thought you wanted to see the flat."

"Later." He peeled her jacket off, then his own.

"I have to give Angua some water—"

But Angua would not be used as an excuse. The moment Esme let her off the leash, the little dog trotted to her water bowl, which was already full, lapped up some water, and settled into her bed with a contented sigh and a sideway glance at them, as if to say, "That's it for me tonight. You crazy kids get on with it." Esme laughed helplessly and let Billy pull her back into his arms.

This could work, she told herself. This will work.

At least, it never felt this way with her exes. Sex with Marco was awkward and fumbling, both of them being too young and inexperienced to really know how to work with each other. Her casual dates were just that, casual. Neil was... adequate, but certainly he's never been such a blazing heat against her, nor has he ever slammed her into a wall so hard she could feel her spine tingling, while in search of the bedroom door.

"Um, Billy, that's the broom cupboard."

He buried his face in her neck, laughing. "Right. Sorry."

She steered him toward the bedroom. He reached for the light switch by the door, but she put out a hand to stop him. "Do you mind if we keep the lights off?" she said. That was how she had always done it, letting the dark hide her shyness and her imperfections, her too-small breasts, her flabby stomach, the weird stretch marks from puberty that never went away. It had annoyed Neil, who preferred to see what he was doing, to no end, but it'd annoyed him even more when she seized up under a bright light, so he'd let it slide.

There was still some light coming in through the window from the street, enough for her to see Billy frown briefly, but he shrugged, amenable as always. "Sure."

They found their way to the bed, and the rest of their clothes, whatever that hadn't been discarded already all over her living room and kitchen floors, came off. Esme ducked under the cover. A second later, Billy joined her, his hot body pressing down on her, his mouth dropping scorching little kisses down her neck, her shoulder, her breast, his callused fingertips running down her sides, rough yet gentle at the same time, sending trembles all over her. His frenzy, so different from his usual shy self, caught her off-guard.

"Have you been with—have you been with lots of girls before?" Esme asked.

"Does it matter?" he said, his voice muffled as he trailed his lips over her skin.

"No. I'm just wondering."

"There was one or two... but not like this. Not like you." His lips were on her again, and she realized she didn't mind it, didn't mind letting him sweep her away in a whirlwind of desire, of excitement, of things unknown but intoxicating. Her hips started to move under him.

But then Billy paused. She could feel his arms quivering as he held his body poised over her.

"Hold on... I think—I think we should slow down," he panted in her ear.

"I thought you said we would be at it all night," she whispered back with a giggle, rolling her hips more deliberately, rhythmically, pressing herself into his hand.

"More reason for—slowing down then—"

"But I don't want to slow down." She reached out, searching for him, guiding him to her.

Suddenly he wrenched away from her with a moan, and she felt something hot and sticky splash across her belly and thighs.

Billy dropped his head.

"Shit," he mumbled into her shoulder. "Shit, shit, shit. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

For what felt like an eternity, Esme could only lie there, motionless, while Billy said sorry again and again, his hands digging into her arms, his breath hot on her skin. Then she found herself thinking, as if her mind was somewhere outside of her body, And I just washed the sheets too.

The thought reminded her of practical matters. She shifted her hips, but Billy was pinning her in place. "I need to get up," she said.

He bolted up. "Sorry, yeah, sure..."

She gingerly lifted the duvet, sat up, and got out of bed.

"D'you need me to get you a towel or—"

"No," she replied, more sharply than she intended. "Just... no. It's fine."

She went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. The hot water did little good for her jumbled thoughts. Is it possible to die from embarrassment? Because she wanted to curl up inside herself and die, right now. Was it her fault? Had she pushed him too strongly? He had asked her to slow down, and she hadn't listened. It was their first date all over again. No, it was even worse, because she'd been so nervous about their first date that the disappointing end had been almost a relief, and at least she could blame Billy's hypomania for that. But this? After their first kiss, and all that passion, all the expectation... this was crushing.

Then she realized she's been focusing too much on herself. If this was such a blow to her, then how mortified Billy must be feeling. Oh God, what if he's left? Wrapping a towel around herself, she ran into the bedroom. No, he was still there, sitting at the end of the bed with his head in his hands. The despondent hunch of his shoulders sent a twinge through her heart.

"Saved you some hot water," she said, much more softly than before, and dug out a clean towel from her cupboard.

He looked at her, then at the towel in confusion. It took him a moment to realize she wasn't mad at him. He took the towel, mouthed "Thank you", and darted into the bathroom.

While waiting for him, Esme put on her pajamas and turned on the nightlight. Billy reemerged a few minutes later, the towel wrapped around his waist.

"Listen, Esme, I'm really sorry about—" he began.

Esme was about to interrupt and tell him there was nothing to apologize for, when she caught a glimpse of his chest. There was a large mass of scars right under his collarbone, above his sternum. This was the first time he appeared without a top in front of her, so she'd never seen them before. When they were in bed together, she had been too focused on his mouth and his hands and everything else to notice the bumps under her fingers. But now they were there, unmistakable, and there appeared to be a particular shape to them...

She turned on the big light so she could examine the scars more clearly. Billy saw her eyes widen and attempted to cover himself with his hand, unwittingly repeating the nose-to-chest tic that she now recognized always surfaced whenever he was stressed or upset. But the gesture wasn't enough to cover the scars. She had seen. The scars were in the shape of a horse. No, not just a horse. The Horse. The Uffington White Horse.

"What happened?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

Billy reluctantly dropped his hand. "... I did it."

She stared at him in horror. "What?!"

"A few years ago, I had a... psychotic break. It was bad. I cut myself. I don't remember why. I don't even remember doing it. I just... had to."

Tears welled up in Esme's eyes, blurring the shape of the Horse. Now she knew why he had fled at the sight of her necklace. What happened to him on that hill that haunted him so? She couldn't envision what horrors he'd been through, what pain he'd endured. She was only aware of the aching gulf between them, filled with those unknown things. How could she ever hope to cross that gulf and reach him?

"Please don't cry." He lifted his hand as if to wipe away her tears, but it seemed he couldn't bring himself to cross the gulf either. "I didn't mean to make you cry."

Esme shook her head. "You're not making me cry," she said. "I'm crying for you. There's a difference."

"How?"

"When someone made you cry, that's because they're hurting you. When you cry for someone, that's because you love them." She didn't know where those words came from. They sounded like something in one of her mum's sappy books.

Billy gazed at her for a long moment. "Does that mean you love me?" eventually he asked.

She paused, not knowing how to answer. Instead, she reached out to touch the scars, lightly brushing her fingertips over them. And then, because touching was not enough, she leaned down and kissed them.

Billy sucked in a breath. "Esme, I can't—" But she kept the kiss tender, not sensuous, and a second later, she straightened up. He was looking at her, his lips quivering with things unsaid, his eyes sparkling with tears, looking so vulnerable that she took him in her arms, rocking his head on her shoulder. "It's all right," she murmured soothingly. "We don't have to do anything if you're not ready. Just stay with me. If you want to," she remembered to add.

He did want to stay. Soon they were nestled next to each other in bed, her arms around him, her head on his shoulder. Esme again rethought her idea of a first date. This is nice too, she decided, as she fell asleep to the sound of his soft snores, feeling his breath on her hair.

***

It must be quite early—the window was still dark, though there was a grayish quality to the darkness that told her morning was close—but something had woken her up. Then Esme realized it was Billy, lying on his back next to her, groaning and thrashing in the throes of a nightmare. She knew better than to try and wake him up in this state, so she rolled him to his side instead. As she did so, Billy's eyes popped open, huge and haunted, looking at her without seeing her. "Dawn?" he said.

She didn't know whether he was asking for someone named Dawn or whether he thought she was Dawn or whether he was asking if it was dawn, but now was not the time to ask. "Shh, it's OK," she whispered. "You're having a nightmare." His eyes closed then, and he slipped quietly back to sleep.

However, sleep eluded Esme, whose head was filled with questions about the mysterious Dawn. Of course, she had no illusion that Billy had never been with anyone before—he had told her as much. And it did not matter anyway. But if this Dawn meant so much to him that he called out for her in his sleep, she'd want to know.

The next morning, over breakfast, she asked, keeping her voice nonchalant, "Who's Dawn?"

Billy looked up from his toast. "Where'd you hear that name?"

"You had a nightmare and called me Dawn."

"Did I?" His fingers tapped the jar of strawberry preserve, a ghost of his tic. "God, I haven't thought of her in years."

"Who is she?" Esme repeated, a touch impatiently now.

"She's my—um, my brother's wife. Well, ex-wife."

"Your brother?"

"Jimmy."

Presumably, this was the same Jimmy that frightened young Billy with tales of the dog-meat curry. Another puzzle piece fell into place.

"I used to stay with them sometimes, when my dad—when I first came to London," Billy continued. "She's a lot older than Jimmy, I think, and Jimmy's a lot older than me, so she's more like an aunt. But she was kind to me. I used to have these nightmares about—" Again, there was a pause, and a correction—"nightmares like you wouldn't believe, and she would calm me down. But Jimmy got angry with me for telling her about the Horse. So I left to share a flat with some mates, and then Dawn and Jimmy split up. I never saw her again." There was a wistful note in his voice. "She's the closest thing to a mum I ever had."

"Where's Jimmy now?" Esme asked.

"Prison," Billy replied, and said no more.

How silly of her, to feel jealous of Dawn! There was another stab of pain in Esme's heart, not just for Billy, but also because with each of his reveals, the gulf between the two of them seemed to be gaping a little wider. How could she be there for him, when he spoke of things she could never imagine, no matter how many books and articles and studies she read? How could she support him when she didn't know what he was going through? She reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze, an inadequate gesture compared to his pain. He smiled at her, but even that smile could not drive away the fear that one day, all her tears and kisses and touches would not be enough.

But Esme tried to ignore that fear and continued seeing Billy. She no longer fretted about what to do for their dates. They still met every Saturday to walk the dogs at the rescue center. When they didn't have the late shifts, he would come to her flat for dinner and stay the night. During her lunch breaks, Esme would bike down to Asda or the woodworking studio so they could have lunch together on the river bank. She discovered her love for flea markets again while scouring them for things to brighten up Billy's flat, and Billy would sometimes accompany her as well—much like herself, he didn't mind crowds as long as he didn't have to interact with them. But most of the time they just stayed home, cooking and eating and reading and going to bed together.

They had yet to try having sex again, though Esme had gone to her doctor to refill her birth control prescription and to make sure everything was good to go. Sometimes, when Billy spent the night, she would wake with his hand on her breast and the hard ridge of his arousal behind her, but then he would also wake, go crimson, and turn away or even jump out of bed. If she hinted that they might have another go at it, he would try to deflect, and it turned into the most awkward back-and-forth of "We don't have to if you don't want to" and "If you don't mind that I don't want to". In the end, Esme decided to just drop it. It made Billy uncomfortable, and she, in turn, would feel bad about making him uncomfortable, so why put more pressure on both of them? Of course, if the timing was right... but she never did have good timing. So she just learned to take things as they come and not to think too much of the future.

She also learned that it was OK to ask a lot of questions, and to talk, and to listen. Billy had good days and bad days, and she learned not to take his bad days personally. If anything, the bad days helped her to treasure the good days even more, made every moment they spent together even more precious, and gave special meanings to the simplest of things, like falling asleep next to him and waking up, knowing he was still there.

***

That Sunday, the flea market in Camden was quieter than usual. The colder weather might have something to do with it, but Esme didn't mind as she linked arms with Billy and strolled through the stalls, stopping at whatever caught their eyes. Seeing a table full of used books, they both navigated toward it without a word, and grinned at each other when they noticed their synchronized steps.

A crate of brightly-covered children's books stood in front of the table. To Esme's horror, she recognized them. A box containing similar books was currently gathering dust in her storage shed. With a glance at Billy, who was digging through the stacks next to her, she tried to nudge the crate out of the way, but her movement only drew Billy's attention. He saw the author's name. "Ivy Pendergast... Hey, she has the same last name as yours! This isn't your mum, is it?"

Of course, she had told him that her mum was a writer and illustrator of children's books, as well as other basic facts—her dad was a glass artist, she grew up in Kent, and she had three younger siblings, Sybil, Tiffany, and Sam. Billy had raised an eyebrow at that and said, "They really do like Discworld, don't they?" (they had been reading the books together—well, rereading for Esme—and Billy was really getting into the City Watch, because, as he said, he liked stories about crime-solving), and Esme had nodded in mock weariness. But there were still things she hadn't told him, and now she silently cursed her dad for not having a more common last name, and her mum for taking that last name when they married, despite all her feminist ideals. I could lie. But he's bound to find out sooner or later. Better get this over with.

"That is my mum, actually," she mumbled.

Billy flipped through the content of the crate with interest. "Emerald Saves a Grasshopper," he read out loud. "Emerald Saves a Lizard. Emerald Saves a Fox."

Esme closed her eyes, praying that he wouldn't put two and two together. After all, not a lot of people know Esme is short for Esmeralda, and even fewer know Esmeralda means Emerald in Spanish.

But apparently Billy was one of those people. "Emerald?" he said. "Esmeralda? It's you, isn't it?"

Esme nodded, smiling to hide her pained expression. "She started writing them when I was about three. They were all quite simple at first, but then she ran out of animals, and now it's Emerald Saves a Lesser-Spotted Blue Tit and Emerald Saves a Mantis Shrimp and God knows what else. It'll be Emerald Saves an Amoeba next, probably."

He grinned. "So she just saves animals?"

"It's for kids age 5 and under, Billy, they don't need a plot. She saves other things too, but they're not as popular as the animal ones... What are you doing?"

He was buying them. He was actually buying the books. God help me.

"You don't have to buy them, you know," she quickly said. "I probably still have a few boxes of them in the shed if you want. Signed, too."

"You should keep those. They'll be worth something in the future, right?"

"I doubt it. She's signed so many of them that the unsigned ones might be worth more."

Billy grinned again. After he'd paid for the books, he asked, "Why didn't you tell me that your mum's books were based on you?"

Esme just shrugged. The truth was that, by the time she started school, they were no longer based on her. What she didn't tell Billy was that before growing up in Kent, she had grown up in a lot of other places as well, with the five of them—Sam hadn't been born at that point—crammed into one tiny camper van. It was the best day of her life when her dad decided to become a glass artist and realized you couldn't set up a kiln in a camper van. Nor did she tell him that her parents were always too busy with their creative endeavors to actually parent, and it fell to her, as the eldest, to give her younger siblings some sort of routine and structure in their day-to-day life. While Emerald was saving all sorts of cute animals and having adventures, Esme had to save her siblings from getting into scraps and falling behind in their classes. She grew to hate those books.

She didn't tell Billy any of it because she realized, compared to his nightmarish childhood, hers was practically idyllic. She knew how terrible it would sound if she complained to him that she'd had to take care of her siblings growing up, when he'd grown up motherless, beaten by his father, and abandoned by his brother. And so she kept silent.

At the same time, she would love for her family to meet Billy. They all disapproved of Neil, but she knew they would adore Billy. And he would adore them, provided that they didn't stress him out too much. She only hoped her relationship with Billy had reached a point when it was appropriate to introduce him to her family (why isn't there a guide to such things?)

"What are you doing for Christmas?" she asked one night while they were in bed, Feet of Clay propped up on her knees. Christmas was still a few weeks away, but knowing Billy (and herself), she thought she'd give themselves time to mentally prepare.

"Nothing, probably. Last year Jacob invited me to his house, but this year he's going to visit his daughter in Australia. You?"

"I have to work on Christmas Day."

"Bummer."

"I don't mind. Christmas is always a busy time. People don't pay as much attention to their pets, and they can get into all sorts of things. Someone has to hold the fort."

"I'll come by and keep you company."

"Ugh, stop being so stinking sweet, will you?" She leaned down and gave him a peck on the lips. Then, in a carefully casual manner, she said, "I'm going down to Kent to see my parents on Boxing Day though. Would you like to come with me?"

Billy sat up to face her. "You really mean it?"

"Yeah."

"Do they... what did you—I mean, how much did you tell them about me?"

"Not much, just that I'm seeing someone." She looked into his eyes. "Do you want me to tell them about your condition?"

He reached for her hand, clasping it tightly as if to stop his nervous tic, to anchor himself. "Would they... object, if they know?" he asked in a small voice.

"No," she said firmly. "And even if they did, it wouldn't matter to me." She lifted his hand and kissed his calluses. Billy's eyes softened. He tugged her forward until she landed on his lips.

"How did I get so lucky?" he whispered against her mouth.

But Esme had other things on her mind. "I have to warn you though, my parents are kind of... unconventional." She almost laughed at the understatement.

"I've gathered as much."

"No, honestly. For one thing, they don't celebrate Christmas."

"Are they Jewish or—"

"No, they just think it's too commercialized. When I was growing up, they would just give us presents whenever they felt like it. Only when my sisters and I moved away that they accepted that Christmas was one of the few times we could all get together, so they reluctantly agree to host it, but they still won't do any of the traditional things though. It's daft."

"I think it's cute."

"It may have been cute when we were kids, but not when we started going to school," Esme said with a humorless laugh. "Imagine having to explain to your classmates that you had no Christmas presents because your parents didn't feel like it."

"At least you had presents," Billy said quietly, and shame burned Esme's face. She was doing the very thing she had vowed not to do—complain about her parents in front of Billy. She kissed him again to distract from the offense.

"I'm just telling you so you won't have to worry about bringing presents or anything."

"OK, I won't." He kissed her back. "You can tell them about me. I don't mind."

Chapter 6

A/N: The detail about Billy carving the Horse into his chest was taken from the show. It didn't happen in the book, as far as I remember.

Taglist: @quinnypixie, @accidentalslag, @etherealglimmer

#billy knight #billy knight strike #cb strike #billy knight fic #billy knight x ofc #joseph quinn #joseph quinn fic #joseph quinn character #billy knight smut #joseph quinn smut

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aanglican · 3 months

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I actually find the relationship between Aang and his children super interesting and complex, in ways the fandom rarely explore, it usually just falls into the "LOK is BAD because they made Aang a bad father" when that is not at all what was intended with that. Aang was a complicated person struggling with balance and what rubs me wrong is people dont read into his children either, they just focus on Aang. For example Kya, who now older and on her own, seems to crave a sense of spirituality and connection to the world, yet rejected it in when she was young as she herself admits, is she trying to connect to her father's beliefs now that he isnt around due to feelings of loss or loneliness, guilt, etc? does she feel separated from the others? or how Bumi chose a life of adventure and "heroics" due to feeling inadequate next to the legacy of his father and still year after his father's passing, doesnt really know if his father noticed this or even approved.. Aang clearly loves his children and they love him but there is so much here that lays in subtle readings. It feels very real, like this is how families actually behave, with so many unclear and complicated feelings.

i love your suggestions for each child’s behavior. kya with her waterbending could have shunned her air nomad half in response to (or to cope with?) her not being an airbender like tenzin & bumi could have used sokka or suki or any other prominent nonbender in his childhood as idols due to having neither ability of his parents and siblings. there’s a lot of expectations and insecurities in this family that couldn’t be solved even if aang was present 100% of the time.

as for aang alone, i never got the impression he was a bad father either— if he were then we would hear of it from katara but she never says anything bad about him. instead she’s understanding and knows exactly what it’s like to have one’s culture ripped from you: the air nomads were wiped out but so were southern waterbenders. that is their most tragic link together. kya and bumi clearly felt alienated from aang and tenzin as they were not airbenders, which may have also resulted in a conscious choice to step back from embracing their air nomad heritage. clearly aang had too much duties for one man— he is the avatar and the only airbending master both— so he could not devote equal amount of time and attention to all his children.

tenzin has gone on trips with his father alone but the fact that he conflates these memories with those he’s spent with his siblings means aang included kya and bumi in trips as well. it’s not like kya and bumi were dead to aang the second tenzin came out looking like an air nomad. i even think those fun memories tenzin has with aang were rewards after aang had dragged him to boring events and diplomatic trainings & whatnot. i can totally picture aang taking a tour of kyoshi island after introducing tenzin to the fire nation court or something. “before we get home to your mom, why don’t we let loose for a bit at XYZ?” et cetera.

i love aang’s relationship with his kids as well as toph’s. sometimes i wish we knew about zuko and izumi more, even. i love it when our child heroes aren’t always the most squeaky clean adults. it happens, the circumstances make the outcome realistic, and it makes their dynamics interesting. no one growing up with child soldiers-turned-world leaders for parents are going to have perfect outlooks on themselves nor their ancestors.

#myasks #lok #cloudbabies 1.0 #aang

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illthinkofanameeventually · 1 year

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LESSON 37-14 SPOILERS!! idk if spoiler warnings r necessary for that lesson but yk. just in case! <3

thinking abt how in that lesson lucifer asks how you felt about him prior to memory loss, then follows up and asks how he felt about you. conversation kinda goes:

“tell me about our relationship. what am i to you?”

player: no one is dearer to me, or more important.

“aha… so you’re in love with me, then? well, i can’t say i mind that. so, how did i feel about you? were you dear to me as well?”

… to which you can basically choose to say yes or no.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY POINT… at this point in the game lucifer is pretty fond of the player! so i’m thinkin… he later regains his memories and how he feels about everyone, including mc yeah??

as he also remembers the conversation held before—imagine how he feels about it after remembering how much he literally loves them??? like “i love them, what the fck makes them think i don’t?”

probably feels a little inadequate because has he not told them how much they mean to him ??? he even made a pact w/ them, do they think so little of it??

imagine him then proceeding to pay very close attention to how he acts around them going forward. makes sure they feel appreciated around him, takes them out to dinner occasionally and stuff like that yk. makes sure they’re always included, greets them in the hallways alongside a small approving smile n stuff. strikes up conversations with them sometimes and takes mental notes of anything they mention they like or want. probably gets them small gifts sometimes based on what they’ve mentioned. bro just subtly tries to figure out what makes them think he doesn’t like them and does his best to indirectly convince them otherwise.

idk it’s so💔💔💔💔 i don’t wholly remember everything that happened after this, including conversations and stuff!! so maybe they brought this up and my memory is just that bad, but i can’t recall anything like it?? idk i think it would be so sweet gawdamn. anyway…!

#obey me! shall we date?#obey me #obey me lucifer

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wizardofrozz · 1 year

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Tech and Omega, brief Hunter, Echo, and Wrecker

Word Count: ~2.1k

Warnings: none just fluff

Tech was absolutely not prepared for the ball of excitement that was his little sister to start tugging on his utility belt with the saddest tooka eyes he’d ever seen.

At the moment, Wrecker was helping Hunter strengthen his knee again after their last job while Echo worked on scrambling the Marauder’s signal. Leaving Tech as the only brother unoccupied and now the center of Omega’s undivided attention. It wasn’t that Tech didn’t love their little sister but his relationship with Omega didn’t come as easily as it did for the others. At least in his mind, that was true.

“Please, Tech,” Omega pleaded, resting her chin just below where his breastplate ended. He could feel the light pressure through his blacks, a much gentler touch than he expected. Tech glanced up, a little desperate but all his brothers were preoccupied, not even sparing the pair a glance.

“I - Well,” Tech started, flexing his hand at his side, “...alright.” He expected Omega to squeal like she did when Wrecker proposed a game or to hug him like she did with Hunter and Echo. Instead, a warm smile spread across her face and she shuffled a little closer. He could feel the warmth of her little body and she loosened her grip on his belt, but she did nothing else.

“Thank you,” she beamed, lingering for a few more seconds before taking a step back. It still drove him a little crazy that he couldn’t quite figure Omega out. Just when he thought he’d started to understand her, she flipped the script on him.

“We should inform the others,” Tech stated, glancing at where Hunter was leaning against Wrecker, talking quietly.

“Okay,” Omega chirped. Tech just watched as she hurried across the dusty clearing until his brain managed to force one foot in front of the other. Hunter looked up when he approached, his brows sitting high on his forehead.

“Just you and Tech?” Wrecker asked. If it was anyone else asking, maybe Tech would’ve taken offense but he knew it wasn’t meant as an insult, merely shocked curiosity. He looked down when he felt eyes on him, a swell of affection hitting him at the unshakeable certainty written all over her face.

“Yeah,” Omega replied, turning toward their brothers, “just me and Tech.” Hunter arched a brow in question, one that Tech could only answer with a faint shrug.

“Okay, well, com if you need anything,” Hunter said with a half-smile before it fell away. “No running off either, clear?”

“I won’t,” Omega promised, flashing Tech a blinding smile. He had a bad feeling that his answering smile looked a bit horrified. “Let’s go!” Omega started to walk away, amazingly keeping a much slower pace than Tech expected and he glanced at his brothers. It took him a few seconds to register their expectant looks.

“Oh, ah, yes,” he mumbled to himself, hurrying to catch up with Omega. He pointedly ignored the amusement oozing from the pair he left behind.

Shili’s trees enclosed the narrow path, letting in only a few stray rays of sunlight as they walked. Omega quietly strolled a few paces in front of Tech, her eyes darting around at the slightest sound. Tech itched for something to occupy his hands but he didn’t dare let his mind wander. It wasn’t because he thought his skills were inadequate if he needed to protect them but this was different. He rarely spent time completely alone with their little sister, his brothers were always nearby to pick up the slack.

Tech must’ve missed Omega’s startled gasp, only realizing she had stopped when he nearly ran her over.

“What’s wrong?” Tech whispered, shuffling to the side to see her face. He could only blink at the awestruck expression on her face.

“What is all this?” Omega breathed, never taking her eyes off the village. Usually, Tech would already be answering her question but the wonder shining in her eyes had him lingering. A small smile crept up his face.

“Life Day is approaching and it appears the village already started decorating,” he explained, pulling his gaze away from his sister to look over the market again.

“What’s Life Day?” Omega tilted her head back, big brown eyes swirling with curiosity that he was all too happy to indulge.

“Life Day is a Wookie holiday that celebrates family, joy, and harmony. Lights, decorations, feasts, and music are common festivities around this time.”

“It’s beautiful,” Omega decided, her smile growing as she took a step closer. “Can we see what stuff they have?” Tech blinked at her for a moment. Wasn’t that why she begged to come to the market?

“Of course,” Tech murmured. He hesitated for a moment, debating the best way to keep track of her and Omega seemed to notice, glancing up at him, her brows pinching together. Tech quickly rested a hand between her shoulder blades, nudging her toward the market; he didn’t miss the smother smile on her face, assuming it was from excitement over the market.

A mixture of native togrutas and other species intermingled in the outdoor marketplace, some bartering, some just having a friendly conversation. Tech slid behind Omega to take up less room and kept close to her, allowing her to lead. He never once complained as she stopped at nearly every stand, admiring the spread of trinkets, decorations, and treats. Omega asked questions any chance she had and Tech found himself absorbing the explanations from the shopkeepers as well.

“She’s a sharp one.” Tech turned to face the older togruta woman running the most recent stand they were stopped at, tilting his head.

“What do you mean by that?” The shopkeeper laughed, her smile deepening the lines around her mouth.

“She’s very smart for a child her age,” she answered, turning her warm smile on Omega again. Tech shifted his gaze toward his sister as well, watching her study an intricately painted figurine and he smiled. Omega gently set the wooden statuette down before scurrying toward Tech, pulling up just in time to stop herself from plowing into him. The smile never left his face.

“I see the decorated kybuck figurine piqued your interest,” Tech noted. Her blonde hair swayed as she looked over her shoulder again almost longingly at the trinket.

“I thought it was pretty,” she agreed, shifting to meet his eyes again. Tech quickly ran through a few numbers in his head, concluding they could spare a few credits.

“By my calculations, we can afford one if you’d like.”

“Really!” Omega squealed, absently grabbing Tech’s utility belt just as she had earlier. The intensity of her joy was staggering yet infectious.

“Really,” Tech chuckled. Without consciously deciding, he reached out, brushing Omega’s hair out of her face, something he’d witnessed Echo do numerous times. Her face instantly fell, her eyes widening in shock, and Tech’s heart plummeted as he flinched away from her. “I - I’m sorry.”

“No!” Omega froze her mouth opening and closing a few times before she darted her eyes to the now-occupied shopkeeper. “Can we talk about it somewhere else?” Tech was still a little stunned but managed a nod and handed over a few credits. Omega’s brow furrowed as she looked down at the shiny currency.

“For the figurine,” Tech reminded, gesturing to the table. He stood silently as she made her choice and paid the shopkeeper with a strained smile. They shuffled back into the crowd momentarily until they found a small place to step away from the crowd.

“Why are you sorry?” Omega immediately asked.

“It seems I made you uncomfortable.” She blinked at him a few times and Tech could almost see her mind working until something seemed to click into place and her face brightened again.

“Do you know why I asked you to bring me to the market?” she asked and that was not what he was expecting.

“If I’m being honest,” Tech started, pushing his goggles up his nose, “I am not certain.”

“I wanted to spend time with you,” Omega said, her voice so soft and genuine it made Tech’s chest feel too small. A feeling that he should’ve been concerned about if he wasn’t so stunned by her confession.

“Why?” he blurted out. Omega anxiously shifted her weight, looking anywhere but at his face.

“I - This is how I can show you I care,” she murmured, kicking a pebble away. “Hunter, Echo, and Wrecker like hugs but I - I didn’t think you liked being touched a lot.”

Tech gaped at her for a moment and for the first time in his life, he had nothing to say.

It finally all made sense. Omega tailored her actions and reactions to what suited each of her brothers best. Her habit of holding onto his belt and only touching him in small ways was meant for his benefit.

“Thank you, Omega,” Tech whispered, his usually steady voice shaking slightly. “That’s very considerate of you.”

“Of course,” she replied like it was a given. If only she knew it wasn’t always like that. They stood there staring at each other for a few awkward moments before Tech cleared his throat.

“Would…you like to head back?”

“Sure,” Omega chirped, peaking into her small flimsi bag and smiling at her purchase. The walk back to the ship was quiet but Omega didn’t seem to mind, resuming her cataloging of Shili’s wildlife. Tech followed close behind, his mind playing and replaying every memory he could recall, noting the different interactions between his sister and each of his brothers to compare to his own.

No matter how much data he compiled, he still had no idea what he was supposed to do with it.

“Hey! You’re back,” Wrecker exclaimed, shocking Tech out of his head to find they had walked into the clearing again. Omega giggled as Wrecker swept her off her feet.

“Nice trip?” Echo asked, appearing at Tech’s side.

“We have to go back so you can see the decorations!” Omega gushed from her perch on Wrecker’s shoulder.

“Decorations?” Hunter asked. Tech was relieved to see his limp was looking better meaning his knee should be healed in a few more days. Omega flew into an enthusiastic recount of the trip, describing the Life Day decorations, holding each of her brothers’ attention, even Tech’s. He couldn’t brush off the pride that swelled in his chest when she recited his explanation of Life Day. When she got to the end of her story Echo leaned into Tech’s side to get his attention.

“Everything’s ready for you to run scans.”

“Thank you.”

“Glad to do it,” Echo chuckled with a smile, shooting a pointed look at Omega. Hunter eventually started to herd them back toward the ship, reluctantly accepting Echo’s offered support.

“Oh!” Omega exclaimed, digging around in the flimsi bag she had been carrying. “Look what Tech got me.” Three of the brothers stopped at the bottom of the ramp, raising a brow at their remaining sibling that was standing in the ship’s doorway. Tech made a show of rolling his eyes at their smug looks before disappearing inside, taking the familiar route to the cockpit.

The buzz of his siblings' voices faded into the background as Tech flipped a few switches and connected his datapad to the ship’s computer. He fell into the comforting routine, checking the new signature along with performing a few other scans.

“Tech?” He blinked at his datapad for a moment before looking over his shoulder and finding Omega’s eyes.

“Yes?” Omega cautiously shuffled closer, eyes darting down to his datapad with a spark of interest.

“What are you doing?” she murmured, lingering at his shoulder. Tech took a deep breath, preparing his explanation only to pause and turn the pilot’s seat toward Omega.

“Would you like to learn?”

“Really?” Omega gasped, tensing in eager anticipation. Tech nodded, shifting around in his seat to get comfortable and extending his arm as an invitation. Omega’s features pinched in confusion, her eyes pausing on his outstretched arm and then shifting to his face again.

“Sitting with me would allow you a more optimal view of the tests I’m performing compared to standing at my side.” It didn’t show on his face but deep down, Tech worried he crossed a line when Omega continued to stare at him in silence. Just as he was ready to lower his arm, Omega jolted into action, carefully climbing into Tech’s lap, and settling stiffly against him. Tech smiled, faintly shaking his head as tugged her closer to his chest.

“Tech,” Omega whispered. He hummed in acknowledgment and she took a deep breath. “Thank you.” Omega cuddled closer, tucking her head against his shoulder, and resting a small hand almost directly over his heart. Tech relaxed into the worn seat and curled his arms around her, holding his datapad within her eye line.

“Now,” Tech started, dropping his cheek against her head and pointing at the screen, “this tests the new signal Echo created…”

If Hunter found them napping an hour later, he didn’t mention it.

He did take a holopic though.

25 days of Life Day Masterlist

Taglist: @sleepingsun501

#25 days of life day #the bad batch #tbb omega #tbb tech #tbb hunter #tbb wrecker #tbb echo #star wars

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hourglass-dreams · 1 year

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Angst/Whump Isabela Madrigal Headcanons🥀🌵

Disclaimer: this is going to be a similar warning I had for the Bruno headcanons. These are going to discuss the subjects of generational trauma, body image issues and eating disorder behavior. This is not meant to make the movie about something it isn't.

I will not go into graphic details about any of the more sensitive subject matter. But one of these will have a trigger warning and this symbol "⚠️"

If you disagree with me that is fine! But, please.. don't be hateful.

Anyways... on with the list. 🥀

There have been so many times in her life where she didn't feel like she was a human being. She either felt like she was a monster because her pent up anger and resentment or she felt like an object to be admired just to be tossed away later.

Almost every adult in the Encanto tells her that she looks so much like her abuela. This started out as an honor, she loved her abuela so of course she'd want to resemble her in some aspects but as she got older, she began to hate when people said that. It felt more like an obligation rather than a compliment. Like, since she looked like abuela, she had to BECOME abuela and NEVER let her down no matter what.

Despite her being "the golden child' she actually saw Mirabel as more of her parents "favorite". Mirabel could actually bond more with their dad, be honest with her feelings, and live a "normal life". Without even meaning to, their parents did pay more attention to Mirabel and it made her feel so inadequate.

When she was in her mid to late teens, she realized that the "crushes" she had on guys were very forced and she could never relate to the other girls that fell head over heels for guys in the village. But she knew she was attracted to other women and this terrified her. Not because her family had anything against it, but because if she did date or marry a woman, she would be going against her abuela's wishes and she was scared of being shunned by the family.

Even though Mariano was deeply in love with Isabela, he knew she wasn't in love with him. She was so uncomfortable and distant towards him when it came to anything romantic when they were alone, and when they were around people, it felt fake. Neither of them wanted to cause conflict so they never discussed it.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE NEXT ONE: ⚠️

⚠️

Because of the emphasis so many people put on her "perfected performance", it caused her to very self conscious and aware of her actions, words and looks. This included her eating behaviors. She started eating less and less until the family was noticing and it made some members very concerned. So Isabela started to eat "normally" but then engage in purging behaviors. Though she tried really hard to hide this, Dolores found out and confronted her about it. She became so weak that the flowers she grew were dull in color and couldn't think clearly. Luckily this didn't last long enough to cause permanent damage to her body. But the urge to fall back into those patterns never quite go away. ⚠️

Isabela and Dolores were very close when they were little, but started drifting apart around their preteens. Dolores fell into Isabela's shadow and she started resenting her (even though she never expressed this outwardly). This caused their cousin relationship to be strained for years until after Casita was rebuilt, they rebuilt their connection. Isabela still feels bad about Dolores being shoved into the back, though she didn't have much control over that.

There were so many times where Isa broke down in her room at night. She eventually stopped doing this when she just grew numb to everything.

(Again I might add to this ^^)

#encanto #disney encanto #tw: eating issues #isabela madrigal #isabela my beloved #isabela madrigal angst

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youremyheaven · 26 days

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thank u for replying to my last post!!!🩷

not the 4th house stellium 😭

my ex had a thing going on his best girl friend but she didn’t want him either and friend zoned his ass lolol and he used substances to “forget” about her. He would accidentally expose himself about his relationship with her and I ended up figuring it out because they would play games together at night while I was sleeping and he would get weird whenever I mentioned her like he left me out in the dark about her and would make lies up about her like she was a nobody to him. He also painted her to be this bad person just because she ignored him, friend zoned him and she didn’t want anything serious with him. You worded it perfectly how Rahu’s Maya had veiled us like these men conditioned us accepting their wack ass behaviors. They are suffocating asf!!! I feel like that picture of Nicole Kidman leaving lawyers office after divorce lol

oof 8th house and 12th house synastry? omg are you okay? 😭

he sounds a lot like my ex ngl 😭 glad we're both past these messy Rahu guys 🫶🏼

rahu men 🤝🏼 using substances to avoid their problems

i often felt like my Rahu ex saw his shadow in me and lowkey resented me for it, he was super insecure that's for one but also sometimes when i explained something, he'd be like ohh yeah ik what u mean and take it in a very different way and im like no buddy that's not what I meant at all lol (the way he perceived it was also always in the most negative light too lol) other times he felt like he wasn't good enough for me and often asked me why I was with him. idk if this is a Rahuvian trait but a lot of guys will resent you if you're "better" than them because being with you makes them feel inadequate and triggers their insecurities,, they don't feel good enough about themselves so they don't treat you right, they're always questioning their worth?? i feel like all my dating experiences have thought me is to never be with someone who puts you on a pedestal because they'll never see you as a real person with real needs just some exalted deity they can be indifferent towards when they're not feeling it lol

the 8h & 12h synastry was tough 🤧😮‍💨I feel like ive been fundamentally altered but in a good way. i needed him to wake me up somehow and boy did he wake me up 😭😤 Rahu plays it's tricks on you but when it leaves,, you gain a clarity of a different kind. It's kind of why we need maya because without the illusion, if we perceived reality directly we'd go crazy, to see glimpses of it through the Maya and then eventually when the time is right, dispel Maya altogether,,, idk it's probably the 12h synastry making me a little delulu lmao but despite all the bad stuff, I feel renewed by my relationship with him, it's given me new life (i don't think this is Rahu, I think it's cause we got together during my 12h profection year and had 12h synastry) and im grateful for that ✨

thank you for sharing your experiences with me 😭✨im glad i can hear from someone who's been thru something similar 🫶🏼

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timeoverload · 7 months

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I didn't have much to say yesterday because it was boring and I was tired. It takes me hours to write my posts and my brain was fried. I think it's kind of sad that it takes me that long but sometimes it's difficult for me to collect my thoughts. I also have been feeling like I'm not that interesting and I don't want to be depressing.

I have been trying to maintain a positive attitude but it has felt impossible today. I don't know if I forgot to take my lamotrigine last night or if it's the weather bothering me. I'm feeling so gloomy and inadequate. I don't feel good. I'm overwhelmed by my mountain of responsibilities. I can't get anything done.

I didn't have the best day at work. It was really busy so I couldn't leave when I got done with eye cases at 3:30. Several people were gone today so that didn't help.

It's sterile processing week and it used to be a big deal but it feels like we aren't appreciated anymore because no one outside of our department said anything. I don't want gifts or anything but it would be nice if someone noticed us. We are the "heart" of the hospital and there's literally a sign on our door that says that. It seems like our contributions are ignored by upper management a lot of the time now but I'm not surprised. The nurses and surgical techs get a lot more attention during their appreciation weeks. I'm not trying to sound bitter but it does make me a little sad because things used to be so different and we all work very hard. Seeing things change is just tough sometimes and I will get over it. I know I won't be there forever so it's not necessary for me to get that upset about it.

I'm getting really tired of working with the morning team lead. He is driving me nuts. He thinks he knows everything and everyone else is wrong. He is generally nice to me but some of the things he says bother me. He was in a bad mood this morning and he was complaining about his girlfriend to me. He told me he hates women sometimes because we're all dramatic animals. I don't think he really thought about what he was saying until he could tell that I was offended. It seems like he doesn't have a lot of respect for people from different cultures or women and it pisses me off. He also loves to talk about politics and religion with me first thing in the morning and I hate it so much. He tries to talk about guns with me even though I told him I don't like them. We don't agree on everything but I try to keep my opinions to myself because I don't feel like having a debate with him. I've realized that I'm not good at having those kinds of conversations anyway so I don't even try anymore because I get frustrated. I know there are a lot of bad things going on in the world right now and it breaks my heart. I just don't want to talk about war and death while I'm working because it makes me so depressed. He also gets so upset about things that aren't worth getting mad about and it stresses me out. I have been trying to teach him how to do my job too but he won't listen to me even though it's important that he learns how to do it. It's difficult working alone with him for 2 or 3 hours every day.

I also got super uncomfortable later in the day. 2 of my co-workers are dating and they have been fighting a lot. They aren't open about their relationship but everyone can tell there's something going on. I can tell they don't have a healthy relationship. They have to work next to each other most of the time and follow each other around. I'm not sure what they were fighting about but they were both acting very aggressive. They were slamming stuff around and she was having a panic attack half of the day. I don't care if people are dating because that's none of my business. I just don't want to be around people who act like that because it's immature and unnecessary. It makes it hard for me to focus when I can feel the tension in the air.

I was putting instruments away in the operating room after eye cases were done and I just started crying. I couldn't control myself so I'm glad no one saw that. I am beyond burned out. I don't want to think about work anymore. I'm glad I don't have to for a couple days.

Maxwell, I'm not sure what is going on with you. I have gotten some mixed messages from you so I don't know what to say or how to react. I don't know if you are mad at me or not. It's confusing.

I'm sorry if I offended you but I'm not sure what I did wrong and I'm trying to figure it out. Are you mad because I posted that picture of the mushroom girl earrings? That was supposed to be a reference to something that you had posted a while back. I wasn't sure if you would get it or not. I just took it down. I will avoid posting anything like that from now on. I'm not trying to make you feel insecure. I am bi but I have no interest in being with a woman ever again because you are the only person I want to be with. I just want to clarify that I haven't been in a relationship with a girl since high school and it ended very badly. I'm not going to talk about that right now. I also think rainbows are pretty so I'm sorry if you think that means something else.

If that isn't the issue then I'm not sure what is. I wish you could tell me what the problem is so I could possibly explain myself. I have been trying to post a lot more because I thought that made you happy. It makes me happy when you post a lot of stuff. I have mostly been trying to make you laugh because I know you have been sad lately. Maybe I'm not funny all the time but I have been trying to post more happy things. I'm sorry if I posted something that you don't like.

I am planning on asking you out on Tuesday and I thought I told you that but maybe I didn't. I'm having a tough time remembering things. I still feel really stupid because I've been waiting for you to ask me out this whole time but I was supposed to say something to you first. I can't stop beating myself up about it and it's all my fault. I've given up on trying to make everything perfect and the way I want it to be because it's not going to happen that way. I'm not going to get upset about that at this point because it won't change anything. I don't even care because I just want to be with you. I guess this is also difficult for me because no one has asked me out for over 12 years and I was hoping you would. I've realized I'm a little old-fashioned and I suppose I'm wrong for thinking that would happen. I also haven't gone on a date with someone since high school. I don't think my previous relationship even counts. I just feel like such an idiot and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm also really bad at flirting. I don't know why it's so hard for me to ask a simple question. I think this whole situation has shown me how fucked up my brain is because I feel like I'm not able to comprehend some stuff. I never realized how messed up I was until recently. I want to be with you so bad but I feel like I'm in a nightmare right now because I've been trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do for so long. It's so scary for me because I'm afraid you are just going to give up on me if I don't figure stuff out and do what you want me to do. It hurts my brain and I want to rip my hair out sometimes. I can't read your mind all the time!! I feel like I can't do anything right and I just want to make you happy. I don't want to be confused anymore.

I don't want things to fall apart and I want to have a healthy relationship with you. I want to do the right thing. I love you so much and I always will.

Anyway, I don't have much else to say right now. I'm just sad and tired. All I want to do is lay here until I feel better. I'm not even hungry and I didn't bother going to the store after work like I planned so I don't have a lot to eat here right now anyway. I will go to the store in the morning or something. I have some boost in the fridge so I will probably just drink that because it's better than nothing. I have a tough time eating solid food when I'm anxious. I don't have the desire to do much tonight. I have been writing since I got home. It's getting late and I think I am going to try to relax for a little while and go to bed. Hopefully I will be in a better mood tomorrow.

Thank you for listening to me vent. I hope everyone has a good day tomorrow. 💖💖💖

#personal

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kennieswrld · 1 year

Text

an analysis of my relationship with an ex-lover of mine.

hello, if you like rants please continue reading. if not, this is totally not for you.

you've been warned.

so i was in a relationship almost a exactly one year ago. it didn't last super long, we didn't create a bunch of memories. but it was enough to put me into the worst depression i've ever experienced so far when we broke up.

our story was actually really textbook for two almost 20 year olds. we met and instantly clicked, had crazy fun sex, talked about everything we could think of, and he cheated on me! i think for a long time i blamed myself on his actions. i had never felt so inadequate and ugly as much as i did then. being a black woman with a redhead was already bringing in enough jokes, but to be cheated on with a goth white woman with long straight inky black hair? misuses spiritual jewlery and definitely practices "magick" instead of magic? AND was a genuinely sweet person with my dream body? whew. god don't get me started. i just couldn't understand why i was never pretty enough for him.

on top of this entire fiasco, we were a long distance couple. this means i sacrificed a lot of my social life to spend hours on facetime every fucking day (it's so insane to even imagine myself doing now). and the cheating was done in a sneaky, disgusting lying way. god, i was a fucking wreck. have you ever had a heartbreak that wasn't even in range? i cried for months over a man who would never be in my immediate area, it was nuts. but as i stated earlier, i was sad for a long long while. i literally lost my sense of self worth after having a string of not-so-amazing moments where i posted to my social media's about the situation (when i was DEFINITELY not in a headspace to even be near a phone).

i never thought i would feel the same, i sobbed at the thought of anything that even reminded me of him. until one day i just- quit. it felt like a wire had flipped in my head, i finally saw how he was just toying with my emotions so i could continue playing his stupid fucking pathetic loser baby-man games. and i just learned how to outplay him.

our contact went radiosilent for a while, until i caved and texted him a few times recently. terrible idea, i know this. but i just had to know if we had truly had the closure we both needed from the situation, and i wanted to talk to the person that was one of my closest friend's at a point in my life. SPOILER ALERT! that was one of the worst decisions of my life, yet one of the best. unlike me, he never moved on.

when i blocked all of his accounts online and pretty much made his being non-existent other than our shared internal memories, he was stalking every single one of my social media's religiously. he kept tabs on my new relationships, my hair changes, fuck even my new posts. it was such a revealing moment to me. this whole time, i felt as if he had moved on and grown up like i had in our time apart, but unlike me, time froze him in the heat of our break up...many months later. at first i felt like he was a pathetic loser with 0 hobbies other than being obsessed with me. but now i see how he is just a product of our societies atrocious way of raising men.

he can't regulate nor voice his emotions properly and doesn't understand how to take complete responsibility for himself and be a good sport even when you're wrong. and at first, i felt so happy in the knowing of how big of a loser this guy was. knowing how the pain he caused me stayed with him forever, but not me. but now, i feel bad for him.

i couldn't imagine living in a past that i know i fucked up. i can barely imagine living my day to day life without true friends that listen to my feelings and i feel true emotional connections with. i can't imagine living like this because i could never live like this. but he does. and that's quite sad. but, i've blocked him on everything. and i'm sure he is reading this, and that's even sadder. but i hope this analysis of my horrid ex helped out a person in the beginning stages of breaking up with their horrid ex. because trust me, you will get over it and live the most amazing life without them, while they pathetically stalk you online like the underdeveloped children that they are.

thanks for listening.

#tumblr diary #diary entry #writing #writerscommunity #relationships #relationship #breakup #just girly thoughts #love #journal

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