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sulfur-eyes · 1 year

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Uh I’m new to this whole content warning thing so sorry if I get anything wrong.

CW: panic attacks, angst, trauma, night terrors, minor blood? uHH shoot I dunno.

To Steve- Eddie’s house was more comfy, more lived in, happier, alive. He was there more often, especially after they started dating.

Steve had gotten so accustomed to fewer nightmares since he’d started staying at Eddie’s place, sleeping together. Always curled up and taking turns with who would be the big spoon that night.

So it’s a shock to his system when he wakes up one night from a particularly bad nightmare. It felt more like a vision. Eddie lying there, dead in the upside-down and Steve knowing that he’d failed another person. Desperately grabbing his shirt, his skin, begging him to come back. He can feel it, it’s too real. It’s all too real.

He woke up with a gasp. clutching at his damp night shirt, choking on air. He blinked a few times then squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to catch his breath, but all he saw were static stars and that image of Eddie’s dead eyes staring back at him. Usually he was able to look over at Eddie and relax again- but tonight. Tonight was not one of those nights. Ever since starcourt he’d been having hallucinations. Brought on by the head trauma from the ‘fire’, so doctors said. Well Steve hadn’t told anyone, not that he was seeing things. He could deal with it. He COULD. He had to be the strong one. If he wasn’t the strong one then what was he…?

Weak.

Usually he could sit it out, blink rapidly until it fizzled out. But tonight the vision wouldn’t go away, Eddie still lying there- now in the bed. Sheets soaked with blood, those eyes boring a hole through his heart. Steve patted around the sheets, he could feel they were dry, he could feel Eddie’s eyes were closed, but that didn’t make anything he saw less horrible. He gave a strangled sound before he threw off the covers and ran to the bathroom to hide, locking it behind him. Just so Eddie didn’t follow him in. Didn’t see this pathetic crybaby version of him. Out of everyone he needed to be strong for he needed to be strong for Eddie. He’d only ever cried in the safety of his own room- away from anyone. Everyone. No one could see him like this.

He found the farthest corner of the small room. Pressing against the cool tile wall and sliding down to curl up into a tight ball as he felt tears welling in his eyes, strong and stinging, they burned as he sobbed into his arms. His heart thudded in his chest and ears, his vision tunneled until all he could hear was the rushing blood and pumping of his own heart. Getting air into his lungs was an impossible task, he thought his chest might explode.

Eddie woke up from the frantic patting on his face and groaned “Stevie, babe- it’s like 3 am what are you-“ he lightly batted his hand away, adjusting to the darkness just enough that he could see Steve’s figure run for the bathroom seemingly in a hurry. And then- then. Sobs. Muffled like he was trying to keep them quiet but god they sounded nothing short of wails. Well boy did that wake Eddie up fast. He sprinted to that door and knocked. “Steve- Steve! Hey- Stevie what’s wrong- Cmon- open the door.” He jiggled the handle and let out a curse as he realized it was locked. He heard a particularly sharp cry from Steve. Was it Vecna? Was he back? Or worse? What was worse!! “Sweetheart let me in- I can help! Steve-!” Eddie glanced down at the handle to the door, remembering that the keyhole was on his side.

Eddie had been a crazy kid, often snatching whatever sweets Wayne put out and running to eat his fill of sugar in the safe haven of the bathroom. He changed the lock so he could unlock it from the outside so Eddie didn’t constantly have sugar crashes. Only problem is that when Wayne realized that Eddie was doing much worse than stuffing cookies into his face in the bathroom he gave up in caring about his sugar intake and discarded the key somewhere. Another curse left his lips before pressing his forehead to the door, still only hearing desperate choked back cries.

“Steve? I’ll be right back- I’ll be right there just. Just hold on okay? Hold on!” He began to frantically pull open drawers, cabinets, boxes, anything he could find. After a good five scattered minute of searching he spotted it in a cup of random things they tossed in there. Giving a short ‘aha!’ before sprinting back to the bathroom, his hands trembled and fumbled as he tried to open the lock. Once he heard the click he quickly burst open the door, just short of breaking it down if the key didn’t work.

God what a heartbreaking sight, Steve seemed so small, vulnerable, dare Eddie say weak. It wasn’t Vecna- thankfully. But that didn’t make it much better. The former jock’s body was wracked with shudders, he was wheezing like he couldn’t breathe, and the strangled sobbing that emitted him scared Eddie to death. He looked up in a panic as Eddie entered, quickly shaking his head and shielding himself away once more- he wanted to say ‘no, don’t look at me like this.’ Or ‘get out’ but all he could mutter was “no, no, no, no.” And hold out a trembling hand as though to stop him while Eddie approached like he was a feral cat. Eddie was stubborn and he wouldn’t let Steve suffer alone.

“Steve… hey- Steve, I’m right here. I’m right here. Talk to me.” He knelt down next to him, Steve leaned away, turning his face to the side, tears continued to cascade down his cheeks. “No. Don’t— look away— go away” Steve choked out, hiccuping as he willed the tears to stop. Stop. STOP.

They didn’t.

“Whatever it is you can tell me. I can help. Let me help..” Eddie’s voice strained and desperate. Steve shook his head “no-hic- you can’t— I—“ his throat caught before he managed to force the words out. “I don’t wa-ant you to see me- hic- like this. Go away-” he tried to bat a hand in Eddie’s general direction but it was hard with his face buried in his arm and knees and the darkness of the corner.

“See you like what- Steve- what happened. What’s wrong…” he settled down next to Steve, his heart ached to help him. “I’m- not sup-supposed go cry— I’m supposed to b-buh-be s-strong- boys do-on’t cry!“ came his response, voice cracking. Eddie’s brows furrowed. “What? Says who? Who told you that?”

Steve didn’t respond, only able to cough and hiccup every so often. “Your dad?” Eddie supplied, and it was a moment before Steve gave a nod. He puffed out a breath of disdain, one more reason to hate Mr. Harrington. “well, I’m pretty sure your dad cried when he was born so he doesn’t get a say.” Steve gave the smallest wet laugh then a cough, kind of seemed like it hurt.

“It’s okay to cry Stevie, it’s good. Everyone should cry. You don’t have to be strong all the time- no one can be. ‘S just not possible.” Eddie reached towards him only to hesitate. “Can I hug you?” he asked, Steve took another long moment before giving a nod.

Eddie wrapped his arms tight around the other boy, squeezing him close in a vice grip. Because that’s the way Steve likes to be hugged, tight, he needed to know that he was there. That he wouldn’t let go. Steve turned into Eddie, face burying into his chest. He wasn’t choking on air anymore, but Eddie could feel a wet spot forming on the tank top where his face was. His body still shaking like a leaf. “Was it a nightmare?” He asked, Steve only gave a shrug. No words.

“Okay. You’re safe. I promise.” Steve clung to the fabric of his shirt like if he let go he’d fall off the edge of the world. It was awhile before his crying eventually reduced to sniffles as Eddie rocked them gently in the dark of the bathroom, petting through his hair just the way Steve liked. When he finally stopped shaking and his breathing was normal enough, Eddie helped him get up and led him back to the bedroom, back into the bed while Steve rubbed tear tracks from his face. Eddie grabbed a glass of water from the nightstand and had him drink until it was empty, rubbing a soothing hand over his back.

“You wanna talk about it?”

Steve shook his head.

“Alright, later. Another time.”

Steve’s eyes flicked from Eddie back to the glass before giving a nod. Later. Another time. That worked.

They both managed to fall asleep again, tangled up together tighter than before, swaddled in too many blankets. And Eddie wouldn’t ask until Steve was ready, but he’d be there ready to help when he was. Because he understood all too well.

Yippidie doo da The End. Frankly this was like a self indulgent thing, not everyone’s panic attacks are the same. I wrote my own experience with them but this doesn’t go for everyone. Don’t go touching people if they’re freaking out like this, always ask first!! Panic attacks also don’t always stop this quick but I have a word limit unlike real life so. :// ah well. Hope you enjoyed!!

#eddie #eddie munson #steddie #steve #steve harrington #stranger things #eddie st4 #st #anyway uhhhh #ficlet

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dameronology · 1 year

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Cassian angst. Cassian angst. Cassian angst. CASSIAN ANDOR ANGST. Now, as much as I love fluff and smut, please I’m begging for some Cassian angst! Please break my heart🥴🥴 Maybe with the prompt "i love you. i've always loved you."🫣 Thank you and have an amazing day!!🫶🫶🫶

i'm sat in the library at uni rn and i should be writing my dissertation but i remembered this in my inbox and couldn't stop thinking about it

Cassian hadn't meant to piss you off.

But, if there was one thing he had learnt over the course of your relationship, it was that he never meant to piss you off. The intention was absent but the action was...well, it was present. And pretty fucking constant. He didn't often think about his actions (and even less about the things he said) and more often than not, you found yourselves with locked horns and bitter words. It got to the point where people in the Rebellion would tip-toe around the pair of you just for fear of being caught in the middle of it.

You wouldn't have described yourselves as enemies, not by any stretch of the imagination. Friends was a strong word too. Then again, there didn't seem to be a specific term for co-workers who have been each other's partner in crime for like five years and really admire each other and probably wanna fuck but also there's tension and-

-you probably get the point.

You were only in Cassian's life by circumstance, as he was in yours. The Rebellion forced you together and even though you'd always had the option to work alone or partner up with someone else, you never strayed from his side.

Even when you argued constantly. Even when Cassian pulled the dumbest shit.

"You could have at least asked me before you attacked the base!" you hadn't meant to yell. He just brought it out of you. "There were Storm Troopers everywhere-"

"- I don't need your permission!" Cassian cut you off. "I knew what I was doing. I made it out alive, didn't I?"

"Because of luck, Cass," you muttered. "Dumb fucking luck."

He snorted, rolling his eyes and pointing to you. "You wanna talk about dumb luck?"

"Cut the snide comments," you snapped. "You can't keep avoiding the point I'm making - we're partners and you keep making stupid decisions on your own!"

"So even if I made them with you, they'd still be stupid?"

"Yeah, but we'd be making them together."

"I don't get your logic," he muttered.

"We're meant to be a team," you quietly said. "I've worked with you for the better part of five years. I've tried so hard and sometimes it feels like you don't even like me."

"Hey," Cassian's voice went soft all of a sudden. "That's not true-"

"- I can take the yelling and insults, okay?" you continued. "I just can't deal with you not trusting me in the field. That just feels insulting, like you don't trust me-"

"- I trust you with my life," he cut you off. "More than anyone or anything."

"So why do you act like you hate me?" you pushed.

"I don't hate you..."

"What is it then?" you huffed. "What could possibly make you act like I'm your worst fucking enemy-"

"- I love you," he said. "I've always loved you."

"You do?"

"It seems as though there is a fine line between love and hate and how it makes someone act, but I have never been more sure of where I stand," Cassian admitted. "Do you ever see me arguing with anyone the way I do with you? Trying to protect them that way, or care about them that way?"

"No. I don't."

"There you go, then," he smiled. "I love you."

#asks #cassian andor x reader #cassian andor imagine #cassian andor imagines #cassian andor reader insert #cassian andor angst #cassian x reader #cassian imagine #cassian imagines #cassian reader insert #star wars x reader #star wars imagines #star wars x you

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jungk0oksthighs · 2 years

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OKAY! HI again! I’m pretty much going to be spamming and blowing up your inbox with countless messages and rants and moments of me just going GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER ENOUGH WORDS TO SAY HOW MUCH YOUR WRITING MEANS TO ME AND HOW IMPACTFUL IT IS!

Funny thing is I started reading your masterlist with Pi Gasu but somehow I ended up ranting about the stories that followed BUT. BUT. Every single story of yours deserves nothing but endless praise and compliment and for me to weep over your masterpieces in the way that moment when A R T moves you. Because that’s what your writing is. ART.

I remember starting this story a while back before it had as many chapters as it does now and I remember going WHEEEEEW because it was such a new dynamic to read, of vampire and blood donor but also RECENT PHOTO FOLIO VAMPIRE JUNGKOOK HELLO?!?!? AND?!?! ALL THE OUTFITS YOU’VE DESCRIBED WITH HIM ARE ALREADY BURNED INTO MY MEMORY SO SEEING THEM IN THIS FIC MAKES ME A WHOLE NEW LEVEL OF FERAL. Because VAMPIRE Jungkook is wearing them; and that makes me SO SO FERAL

I remember reading this and being blown away by the sheer cocktail of FEELS happening in this fic and yet again experiencing visceral, raw HATE for the mother in this fic who just uses her daughter as a means of money but constantly gaslights and undermines and POISONS HER WITH ROSE-THORN and GRRRRRRRRR

Because I understand the terminal illness of a child on ANY parent must be such a struggle and pain and especially a long-term condition wears down on a parent– there will never ALWAYS just be sadness and grief, there’ll also be anger and misery and RAGE that it’s unfair which I understand… so I tried to keep an open mind. That got shot down RIGHT AWAY with the piece of *censored MULTIPLE swear words and curses* she is. Because no child should EVER have to feel guilty or ashamed of being healthy and well whilst another is sick. Because life doesn't choose to burden one child with illness and keep the other– ALTHOUGH THAT TURNED OUT TO BE INTENTIONAL AND PART OF THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS WHICH MASTERMIND BECAUSE!! The idea that her death will complete her brother’s transformation… that her enthral, her siren blood DRAWING IN the vampires– in particular Jungkook… OOF. JUST OOF. new level of achy angst BECAUSE SHE WAS READY TO DIE.

I also have to say your DIALOGUE in this fic was like OTHERWORLDLY tier because there were so many moments I thought… I stopped and paused and ached as I processed the words… because they just struck DEEP. There were so many pieces in the story where I thought– I’m coming back to this and I’m going to write this down. There’s a genuine MASTERY you have with words that truly RESONATE and haunt and LINGERED in my mind long after I finished devouring this story.

I can’t remember the EXACT exact words but. When Jungkook says in his entire time of being dead, he’s never felt so alive.

THAT ACHING BREAK POINT WHEN HE SURRENDERS WHEN SHE TRIES TO KILL HERSELF. The way he begs for her to never threaten to take away the thing that was forcefully taken from him...that the ACHE of her killing herself, of valuing her living so little...HURTS HIM

THE MOST HEART WRENCHING MOMENT WHEN HE SAYS HE DOESN’T HAVE A SOUL BUT IF HE DID IT’D BE HERS.

WHEN THOSE RAW ACHING MOMENTS OF PASSION AND PAIN WERE SO ACHY TO READ that I could feel every instant of their need and want and that unravelling restraint ESPECIALLY because he’s a vampire and she’s human, especially because there’s that whole FIERY dynamic of her pleasure-heavy blood making him ADDICTED, because that moment when she feeds on even a DROPLET of his blood– IN THE KISS to stop her from being physically hurt because he’s that strong…

THE FACT THAT SEX could physically and literally BROKE her…. The dialogue and WEIGHT of emotions in that description. Like it felt like a new level of carnal, primal ACHE between them and was a new level of feral I reached… but. But there was also this physical anguish and pain to understand love in a way I haven’t EVER, EVER heard it being described. It was new and haunting and BEAUTIFUL.

Because love in this story KILLS. It breaks, it batters, it bruises, it HURTS so viscerally, so deeply… it physically BREAKS her and SHE TURNED AT THE END (THANK GOD FOR THAT) but the idea of how poetic and rawly you described love as this consuming destructive force that ANNIHILATES. That love is this deadly DANGEROUS force and yet– when you fall, if you fall, it consumes you entirely.

I CANT WAIT to see how the transformation works in the next chapter, I can’t wait for her piece of shit mother to rightfully FUCK off and I can’t WAIT to see how their dynamic develops because it was the roughest, rawest description of sex– and yet now that she’s changed I wonder… I do…

It’s way overdue because Pi Gasu was the first I read– but the last I commented on… but I felt I NEEDED to get all the feeeeels off my chest AND vent and GAHHHHHHHH

Thank youuuuuu for writing such art🥺🥺🥺

And for sharing it too xx 💜💜💜

Oh my goodness gracious me @purplebeebs this is one of the most memorable messages I’ve ever received in terms of reviews! Thank you so much for taking the time to send FOUR HUGE MESSAGES in regards to my writing! I’m floored rn!! Thank you so so much!! 🥹😭

PG is definitely one of my favourites to write for! I really love the fantasy genre and I think it’s something that I would be very interested in writing more! Shoutout to my fully planned siren fic that will eventually see the light of day hehe. Just… thank you so so much for your kind words, I’m genuinely speechless and quite flabbergasted right now 😂🥰

It’s such a compliment to be told something you write sticks with someone and that’s something that I’m not gonna forget! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, not only for reading seemingly all of my fics hehe but for taking time out your day to go into such detail in these messages! Truly I’m flattered! There’s so much more of PG to come!!! We’re only just getting started hehe, thank u thank u thank u I owe you my life sweet angel, you’ve made my night 4 times over tonight and genuinely you are so so sweet. I’m so grateful you found my blog and like my work!!!! Sending you so much love and positivity!! 💜💜💜💜

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hegeso · 22 hours

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15.5.24

keep thinking sweet things and being too sleepy to remember to write them down. this is my Big Challenge.

i want to be able to say the things i think or want to say out loud without censoring myself—without thinking about if it sounds stupid or will be rejected. especially when it comes to voicing affections!!!!!!!!!

n— and i played kirby’s dream buffet last night and tonight as well. i had a lot of fun! it made me so happy that he asked to play again tonight. my head was pounding and i was completely miserable, but i was glad to be doing a fun lil shared activity. i like viddy games………i want to play them more often. n— was like, Don’t Force Yourself Lol It’s More About Hanging Out With You and i didn’t know how to say:

this is one of many things that i have constantly longed and asked for. i love parallel play. i love hanging out. i love shared low stakes activities. this is one of many things that i have longed and asked for, rarely got, and you just do them?

now that i am getting a taste for having access to things i want, facing someone who looks right back at me and into me…i feel strange. like i am a fraud, or a fake. that’s not entirely accurate. more like……oh ok, i don’t have to work really hard to be acknowledged? i don’t have to beg for what is kind of a super basic thing? i don’t have to explain that mutually anticipating needs is a wonderful way to show care for a person? i don’t have to get on my knees and plead for just a little bit of quality time? what’s the catch? what did i do? like…, i don’t know how to deal with that because i’d maybe come to the conclusion that i would always be begging for attention and never receiving it. so the confusion there has led to a really poor job of trying to form answers to my nonsensical questions and ending up with bad information. that information being along the lines of: i don’t actually like playing video games and i tricked him, why else would he want to do that with me? (<— FULLY aware that this makes no sense at all. i’m just short circuiting.) and did i accidentally lie about something that caused this interest in me? (<— also aware that this is stupid. it also is disrespectful to him and his personal judgement/ability to get a read on someone)

typing out the weird thoughts has shown me that they’re not nearly as complete as they seemed in my mind—helpful for me to not think that as much. this is mostly a complicated way of saying that n— makes me really happy. i feel valued and cared for and understood. i want to sit cross-legged facing each other, hold his hands, and look into his eyes for as long as he’ll let me.

he has to know that he’s going to win his game eventually. there’s no way he doesn’t. he’s playing well, and i’d say he’s playing fair. i’m aware that i can seem guarded sometimes, despite feeling like an open book (to any question asked, i will answer). he does a finer job of reading and understanding me than just about anyone i’ve known, so i would hope that he is able to see that my excitement and interest is not based in vanity or in selfishness, that my care for him is genuine, that my blood is alive. my gift is not in words. so i hope n— will know how i feel about him through the ways he’ll be drawn. i’m playing this game, too.

someday he will receive in poesy, floriography (i have sensed and known this as something outside of myself, the same truth that pulled me back to him, the same truth that tied us upon first meeting): moss rosebud, clovenlip toadflax, forget-me-not, verbena, honeysuckle, ragweed flower, bittersweet nightshade…

16.5.24

filled with hurt and sadness today, p— continues to disappoint me. i really need help here at the house, i know it’s dumb to trust him when he’s hardly ever done anything for me in the past, but i really wanted to believe that he would show me he cares. i have a rancid, unfulfilled need for validation from him, because of all the time i felt unimportant and worthless and like nothing was enough. he would drop anything to be there for anyone else but me! and he did! that’s so shitty lol.

s— has abandoned me, so the only time i see other people is when i go on walks or go to work. i am alooonnnneeeeeeeee here.

ugh.

i am really hating my body right now, maybe this is part of the dopamine crash from the adhd meds, maybe im just emotional because it’s 6am and I still haven’t been able to sleep. i hate how my body feels. i hate how soft it is, i hate all this excess fat, i hate that it’s primarily a medical problem which makes it that much harder to fix. i hate the way my lower abdomen swings between being normal and bloated. i hate how large my chest has gotten, how i can’t wear anything without either looking frumpy or getting sexualized. i hate my joints and ligaments, i hate that i can’t even form scar tissue correctly. i hate my face, even when it’s pretty. i hate my body, i hate looking at it, i hate not being able to tell if my proportions are ugly but being mostly sure that i’m definitely noticeably overweight. i hate that i have felt repulsive and undesirable for nearly the past two years. i hate not feeling comfortable in my clothes. i want to be pretty. i hate not feeling comfortable out of my clothes. i want to be pretty. i hate how unpredictable my skin and hair have gotten. i want to be pretty. i hate that im relatively active and eat under 1300 calories a day. i hate that ive been completely unable to lose this weight. i hate that depression and stress over my living situation/“relationship” for the past year has probably fucked with my hormones and metabolism too. i hate how i’ve felt poisoned by this city, by the people here. i don’t hate myself. i don’t hate my face and my body all the time either. i just really wish i could change right now.

i’m gonna let myself be a baby over this for awhile longer, the suck it up.

well. looked in the mirror and i think i overreacted some. i’m not a wretch. but i still want to be different.

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mariahscorner · 14 days

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TW: a lot.

people tell me i’m so mature for my age. i hear it from everyone except my family. but i’ve started thinking about why others say that. and the only conclusion i can come to is that being a kid is a privilege. i never had time to be a kid when i was fighting for survival. i see other people my age having fun and going out, swimming and eating those sandwiches with the chips on them that make a big crunch when you bite into it. i never had time to do those things or find out what i truly enjoyed doing. i enjoyed being alive. i enjoyed not being yelled at. i enjoyed when my mom would come home after leaving me home alone with my brother for 4 weekends in a row. i enjoyed eating and sleeping more than anything. i enjoyed having distractions to keep my mind off of the ear-ringingly terrifying thoughts. but i never found out my passion. some kids are born with it. something like music, sports, art, or math that makes them feel alive. their adrenaline came from pure love, not terror. i guess i’m so mature because i’ve been through things that children should not go through. how could i be a kid when i got bullied at school and constantly forced to change myself? how could i be a kid without a father to hold me on his shoulders? how could i be a kid without a mother to kiss me goodnight? how could i be a kid when someone says “that’s a very strong accusation, it could ruin his life”? how could i possibly be a kid when every day is a fight for survival? it’s a lot of pressure to put on a child. and then a part of me thinks, “what would it be like to be a kid again?” what would it be like to be a kid before his death, before her absence, before he touched me, before i had to beg on my knees to be enough? what if i could do it again? right now? and then another, stronger part of me thinks “what if it happens again? remember the last time?” so yes, i’m mature for my age. but it is not a compliment. it is not a testament of how i’ve persevered through struggles. it is a hideous reminder of how i was never allowed to live a normal life, and how i will never be able to.

#dump #i’m a little sad #if you can’t love them then at least don’t harm them

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calsgotdepression · 4 months

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site unicode 2

When will this hurt go away? I keep on going to tomorrow, hoping, pleading, begging fucking anyone, anything at all, to ease some of this pain. When is it coming? Will I only find it in death? When will I be happy? Why was I born with thoughts if they only exist to hurt me? What can I even do? Is there anything to do? What can any of us do that feel like this? There’s no answers, there’s nothing. Life doesn’t need to have meaning, but we have ourselves and the things and people we care about to provide it, but we’re constantly with ourselves. How can I learn to love someone that hates me just as much as I hate him? I don’t hate him, and I don’t think he hates me. We’re both just tired and sad and lonely and hopeless. We’re staring at shards of mirrors as we starve to death in the middle of the ocean. What more is there to life? I’m not sure I’ll find it. If I already have, it’s within my cat. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone or anything in this world as much as her. When I lose her I know my heart will break in two. I’m not sure if I’ll live long after that. Maybe that’s why I’m trying to finish this book before then. Will anyone ever read this? Will I even post this? Tears fall down my face but does it even fucking matter? I’ll still go to work in the morning. My back will still hurt as it always does, my body will shake like it always does, my mind will suffocate itself forever until my breathing stops. How can I consider myself a good person when I crave such selfish things like attention? How can I even consider that I’m kind, when I think of bringing myself to the edge of death, just to get people to care? Is that what it will take? Will that make me feel alive? They say that those who attempt suicide by jumping off of places and survive regret it on the way down. Will I feel the same if I do it? I hate pain, but it’s always with me. What is paralyzation when considering the alternative? Why do I think it’d be better for me to cut off my legs to not look at them anymore? Would I still feel bad about my height, then? And why do I care so much? I wonder if there’s someone that looks at me without a feeling of ugliness. Even my friends must think I’m a washed up kid. I’m sure they look at me and see me as an ugly creature, someone they keep around just to talk about how much weight they’ve gained later on. Maybe I’m used as examples of how not to be by their mother’s. There is no winning at life, so why do I feel as though I have already failed? Last year, on my birthday, I was horribly sick. My grandmother was at home, in a coma, one that she’d never wake up from. I wanted waffles. How stupid and trivial, to cry about waffles? Maybe it wasn’t about them at all. I didn’t want anything for gifts. I didn’t even know what I wanted. The day I turned 19 I thought of killing myself. At least it would be easy to remember the anniversary. How awful of a thought is that. I turn 20 in a month. I don’t know if I’ll make it to 25. If I do, I know I’ll be feeling like this. I know it will never go away, just like nothing else will. I hope someone reads these words and doesn’t feel bad for me or think I’ve given up or I’m too pessimistic, but just understands. Even a little. I love everyone so much, but there is not enough room in this world for me. I hope I’ll wake up one day and not feel tired. I hope everyone else does, too. I hope we all have pleasant dreams that leave us waking up in the morning with a small smile lingering on our faces. I hope death truly is peaceful. I wish I could be different. I wish my brain wasn’t like this. I wish I could listen to my grandmother sing one last time, or my uncle laugh at an awful joke, or my aunt to just live and be happy? I love you. I love you.

#cw #vent #grief #depression #anxiety #dysphoria #dysmorphia #sui thoughts #sui ideation #ideation is a stupid word #i don't know sorry

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lesfeldickbiblestudy · 1 year

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Through the Bible with Les Feldick LESSON 2 * PART 2 * BOOK 59 THE ISLE OF PATMOS VISION - Part 2 REVELATION 1:11-2:10 All right, again, we always like to thank our television audience for your prayers. My, how we appreciate it that you tell us constantly either by letter or by phone or when we’re on our seminars, how that you pray for us everyday. My, what a comfort that is to know we have so many believers praying for us. We also like to thank you for your financial help. We never beg for money, never have, and we never will, because I’m a firm believer in the system of giving that Paul teaches in II Corinthians chapter 9, "that believers give as the Lord lays it on the heart to give." And I do not feel that we should ever have to pressure anybody to give to this ministry. Because if the Lord wants you to give, He’ll let you know it. All right, we’re going to go right back where we had to end in the last lesson, and we didn’t quite finish verse 16, before we move on into the next verse. Revelation 1:16 "And he had in his right hand seven stars: (one for each one of these synagogues) and out of his mouth went the sharp two-edged sword: (the Word of God) and his countenance(His appearance) was as the sun shineth in its strength." In other words, at high noon. Now, there’s a beautiful example of that, of course, back in Matthew chapter 17 and you all know what it was. The Mount of Transfiguration, and again, I do these things just to exhilarate us. My, when we say we can’t wait to see Him face to face, it’s not going to be the lowly Jesus of Nazareth. It’s not going to be the Jesus of the earthly ministry. It’s going to be the resurrected, glorified, exalted Son of God. And it’s beyond our human comprehension, but yet we know we’re going to see Him face to face. Even as Peter, James, and John did at the Mount of Transfiguration. All right, Matthew 17 starting at verse 1, and remember why I’m doing this. One day we’re going to experience this same thing. Matthew 17:1-2 "And after six days Jesus taketh Peter, James, and John, his brother, and he bringeth them unto a high mountain apart. 2. And (He) was transfigured (he was changed) before them: and his face did shine as the sun, (just like John sees it in Revelation) and his raiment was white as the light." That is pure white light and that’s the way we’re going to see Him. And then, of course, the other comfort is we’re going to recognize our loved ones. Now, not as husband and wife, not as son and daughter and so forth, but we’re going to know who we are because I use this as a background, here we have the appearance now of Moses and Elijah talking with them. Did Peter, James, and John have to ask who they were? No! They knew who they were. Because Peter goes right on and says unto Jesus: Matthew 17:4b "…Lord, it’s good for us to be here: if thou wilt, let us make here three tabernacles; one for thee, one for Moses and one for Elijah." How did he know they were Moses and Elijah? Well, they just knew. The same way when we get to glory and we behold Him as bright as the sun; we will know everybody else by name. We’ll know who they are and from whence they came. All right, now let’s move down into the next verse in Revelation chapter 1 verse 18: Revelation 1:18 "I am he (now this is the Lord Jesus again speaking to these seven synagogues of Jewish believers) that liveth and was dead; (so we know this is after the death, burial and resurrection) behold, I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of hell and death." Well, there’s more than one place to look, but first I want to go back to Isaiah chapter 41 and I want to see how Isaiah says the same thing. Now, again, I do this to show that the Old and the New all fit together, especially as it pertains to Israel. Isaiah 41:4 "Who hath wrought and done it, calling the generations from the beginning? I the LORD, (or I Jehovah, Lord, God the Son) the first, and with the last; I am he." Now, on your way back to Revelation I’m going to have you stop, if you will, at I Corinthians 15.

But now before you look at I Corinthians 15, maybe we’d better go back again and read our verse in Revelation so you’ll see why I’m going where I’m going; verse 18, again. Revelation 1:18a "I am he that liveth, and was dead; and behold I liveth forevermore…." The Alpha and the Omega, the one who was, is, and always will be. Remember? Now, come back to I Corinthians 15, the great resurrection chapter. Alright, let’s just jump in at verse 3, the very heart of what Paul calls "my Gospel" or what we call the Gospel of the Grace of God, which is all dependent on His very death, burial, and resurrection for our salvation. I Corinthians 15:3-4 "For I delivered (Paul says unto you) first of all that which I also received, (that is when the Lord revealed all this to him, probably down in the desert) how that Christ died for our sins according to the scripture; 4. And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures:" Isn’t it wonderful! That’s all we must believe in our heart to have eternal life? Absolutely no works involved. Verse 5. I Corinthians 15:5-6a "And that, he was seen of Cephas (that is Peter) and then of the Twelve: (the whole batch together) 6. After that, (after he was seen of Peter and the Eleven) he was seen of above five hundred brethren at once; of whom (Paul says) the greater part remain unto this present,…" In other words, they were still living, because you want to remember, we’ve only got about a 30-year interval here, so if these people were in their late 20’s or early 30’s they wouldn’t be all that old. They were certainly still alive at the time Paul writes to the Corinthians. I Corinthians 15-6b-8 "…but some are fallen asleep. (or died.) 7. After that, (after he was seen of the Twelve and of the five-hundred) he was seen of James (and again Paul repeats that he was seen) then of all the apostles. 8. And last of all he was seen of me also, (which means that Paul saw the resurrected Christ face to face, but he didn’t see him in his days of rebellion. He saw him, now, after his conversion experience. And, again, probably out at the desert experience.) as of one born out of due time." Now, since I’m here I might as well comment on that. What does Paul mean here? "as of one born out of due time" Well, you see he was a singular example of the whole nation. But he was born as a result of Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection as a single individual, as Israel will be someday in the future. Now we know the remnant of Israel will be totally saved when they see Christ re-appearing at His second coming. And so this is what Paul is referring to. That he saw Him as one who was converted and became a believer hundreds of years before the nation as a whole which is still out in the future. Now, let’s jump to verse 12. I Corinthians 15:12 "Now if Christ be preached that he rose from the dead, how say some among you there is no resurrection of the dead?" Remember the Sadducees didn’t believe in resurrection, and there were probably other groups that didn’t. I Corinthians 15:13-14 "But if there be no resurrection of the dead, then is Christ not risen. 14. And if Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and your faith is also vain." Might as well throw the Book away and go home. But He did rise from the dead? Now, verse 15. I Corinthians 15:15-19 "Yea, and we are found false witnesses of God; because we have testified of God that he raised up Christ: (and Paul says, if He didn’t then I’m a liar) whom he raised not up, if be that the dead rise not. 16. For if the dead rise not, (in other words if we die like a dog, and that’s the end of it), then Christ is not raised. 17. And if Christ be not raised, your faith is vain; (we’re spinning our wheels, we’re wasting our time) ye are yet in your sins." 18. And they also which are fallen asleep (those who have died in Christ) are perished. (there would be no hope) 19. If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men most miserable.

" But we do have that blessed hope, because He did arise from the dead. Now look at verse 25. I Corinthians 15:25-27a "For he must reign, till he hath put all enemies under his feet. (He will reign, as King) 26. The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death. (Death, it will finally be completely obsolete, it will be off the scene) 27. For he hath, put all things under his feet…." He is Lord of all, He is the One who was alive, He is alive now, and will be for all eternity future. Alright, back to Revelation 1, the last part of verse 18: Revelation 1:18b "…. behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen: and have the keys of hell and of death." That’s why one day He will be victorious over it and He will obliterate it, never again to be part and parcel of our experience or even His. He’s going to end it once and for all as we go into eternity. Verse 19, Now, the Lord of glory says to John: Revelation 1:19" Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are, and the things which shall be hereafter:" Now, the reason why I didn’t teach it when we went into Revelation several years ago was that I was never comfortable with that approach. Now, I don’t go contrary to tradition just to be contrary. In all my years of teaching, I can go clear back to when we first stepped out of a denominational umbrella and began to teach men and women from all these denominations and with all their questions. My, the Methodists would have a far different question than a Baptist ever dreamed of. The Lutherans would have different, the Catholics would have different, and from all of these summary questions I started searching the Scriptures. Then I suddenly realized, hey, I’m not comfortable with everything that I’ve always learned. I haven’t been told all there is to know. And, as I had to search the Scriptures to answer all these questions, then there would be areas that, I would have to say, "Now wait a minute, there’s something lacking." Well, the first place I had problems with was the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. There was just something that I wasn’t putting together, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. And, most of you know by now, we sent out hundreds of these little books by Paul Van Gorder, who used to be a guest teacher on the old Radio Bible Class. And I happened to pick up that little booklet and it just opened my eyes. And of course, many of you know which one I’m talking about. The title of the little book is "Which Gospel When?" We sent out hundreds of them. I found Dr. Van Gorder, I think in Georgia, and I called him and asked him if he’d give me permission to distribute these little books, because if it opened my eyes, it’ll open anybody’s eyes. And so he gave me full permission, and I’ve told him we’ll never charge for them and we never have. And we’ve had others that have contributed to the reproduction of them. But anyway, it was just a great opening of my eyes concerning the four gospels that I had never seen before. Well, then I went on with some of the other things – the Book of Acts – for the longest time. I knew there was something that I just didn’t have straight. And all of a sudden these things started opening up. Well, the same way with these early church letters in Revelation. When we started teaching Revelation many years ago, I think, ten years ago I just wasn’t comfortable with the traditional view that these are Church Age churches, because there’s not a word of church language in here. There’s not a word about salvation by faith alone. There’s not a word in here about the shed blood. There’s not a word in here about the death, burial, and resurrection. And so, I had to skip over them. I wasn’t going to teach something that I didn’t agree with. But now in the last year or two, and I’ll have to give Matt McGee credit for some of this. He wrote an interesting little article. It’s up on his web page, which is I think right next to ours isn’t it? And you just click over to Matt’s and he’s got a good little article on the Book of Revelation and so forth, and that gave me courage to move on.

Then, in various other sources, I began to see that this isn’t the way the traditional people always taught it. It is not a picture of Church Age history and the Body of Christ. It is all Jewish. These are all Jewish congregations and all the language is directed to the Jewish believers. Well, enough of that, looking at verse 19, again. Revelation 1:19b "Write the things which thou hast seen,…" Well, what had John seen? Of course he had seen Christ’s earthly ministry – he was one of the Twelve. But now God is transporting him up into a vision experience of the horrors of the Tribulation, and that’s what the Book of Revelation is – it’s a road map of the seven years of Tribulation, like almost no other place in Scripture as you compare it of course with the Old Testament prophecies. But here he’s told now to write: Revelation 1:19b "…and the things which are, and the things which shall be hereafter:" Well, what does John do? Just exactly that. Turn all the way to his last few chapters and this is what he was talking about – write about the things that are future. Because up and through the verses in chapter 20 it’s all still the seven years of wrath and vexation which are in time, as we know it. But then you jump into chapter 20 and we slip into what? Eternity! And what were the instructions? "Write the things that will be hereafter." Well, after what? After time as we know it; which will end with the thousand year reign of Christ. This is what’s out in the future. Revelation 21:1a "And I saw a new heaven and a new earth:…" Now, stop and think a minute. Where did you first see those two words? Genesis 1:1. Remember? "In the beginning God created (what?) heaven and earth." And we’ve had those two entities all the way through Scripture, and then we get to II Peter and they all disappear, and we’ll look at that in a minute. But, what’s going to happen? God’s going to replace it with something totally new. Revelation 21:1a "I saw a new heaven and a new earth: (why?) for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away;…" Now, I know a lot of people don’t believe that. A lot of good men do not agree that this whole system is going to disappear. They think it’s just going to be renovated. Well, for the Kingdom Age, yes. For the thousand years it’s going to be renovated. But for eternity, brand new. Why brand new? Well, who has spoiled everything that God has made so far? Satan! He’s put his filthy fingers on everything that God’s created. I think even in outer space. And so what’s God going to do? He’s going to re-do it, and make all things new. Now, let me remind you, years ago I used to take a scientific journal, just for sake of interest, and one of the articles was written, if I’m not mistaken, by a physicist, at that time down at the University of Texas, on the origin of the universe. And I’ve shared it with some of you more than once. During the course of that article, he came to the conclusion that everything that had ever been created, came from one original source of light. Well, who is light? God is! So I read it to Iris and said, "Listen to this, honey. This guy doesn’t know what he’s saying. But he’s right on." Everything came from God. But you know how he ended his article? He said, "I can foresee the day, billions and billions of years from now, where the whole thing will go back into that original source of light." Well, isn’t that enough to give you goose bumps? Sure it will. That’s all God has to do is speak the Word and He can call it all back into that original source of light. All right, now I said we’d show you the earth and heaven disappearing in Peter. Okay, let’s go back to II Peter, chapter 3, I think it is. Now, we’ve got to be careful how we read this. II Peter 3:10a "But" (Peter writes) the day of the Lord (remember the day of the Lord begins with that signing of the peace treaty, the seven year Tribulation, but it goes right on through the whole millennial thousand year reign of Christ. That’s all part and parcel of the day of the Lord.)

II Peter 3:10b "…will come as a thief in the night; (now, you got a punctuation mark – a semi-colon – a break in the thought. At the end of that thousand and seven years, the end of the day of the Lord) in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, (can’t you hear it? My, when the whole universe is all of a sudden just going to be coming together, and I think it’s going to be coming back into that original source of light.) and the elements (that is all the minerals and so forth that make up matter) shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up." All right now, when you put things under intense heat in the chemistry lab what do they do? They dissolve. That’s a chemistry word. II Peter 3:11 "And seeing then that all these things shall be dissolved, (melted down. Now Peter says) what manner of persons ought ye to be in all holy conversation (manner of living) and godliness." Knowing that this is the God whom we serve. He’s beyond human comprehension. And all He has to do is speak the Word. II Peter 3:12 "Looking for and hasting unto the coming of the day of God, wherein the heavens being on fire shall be (what?) dissolved (melted down) and the elements (all the things that make up matter) shall melt with fervent heat?" (It’s going to be dissolved. It’s going to be done away with. The Scripture calls it like folding up a garment and laying it aside. But don’t stop there, next verse.) II Peter 3:13 "Nevertheless (even though it’s all going to be one day consummated) we (as believers) according to his promise, look for (see now how it fits with Revelation) new heavens and a new earth wherein dwelleth (what?) righteousness." Totally cleansed, nothing that defiles. It’s going to be glorious for all eternity. But now, my question again is, why new a heaven and a new earth? Well, I’ve taught it and I haven’t had any reason to back off. I think Israel is, and has been, God’s earthly people through time as we, The Body of Christ, have been God’s heavenly people. But, I think it’s going to continue all the way into eternity. I don’t think we’ll ever mix with the nation of Israel. Now, I may be wrong, and I don’t get adamant if somebody disagrees, I’m not going to get all upset. But, I think the purpose for the new heaven and the new earth is that God can continue on that same format that Israel will be the earthly people and we’re always going to be the heavenly people. Amazing, how God never, in one way or another, never changes. Revelation 1:20 "The mystery (now remember the other word for mystery, even in Paul’s writings, is the secret.) so the mystery (secret) of the seven stars which thou sawest in my right hand, and the seven golden candlesticks, (lamp stands) the seven stars are the angels (or the ministers, or the overseers) of these seven churches; (synagogues) the seven lamp stands which thou sawest are the seven churches." (synagogues) Now, let’s stop and think a minute. Remember that the temple was the center of all of God’s dealing with Israel wasn’t it? It was just the center of the nation’s activity. You see, way back in Old Testament times, Israel, because of their unbelief, had gotten so far from God, that who was it? Was it Hezekiah who found the Law? I think it was. I beg to be corrected, if I’m wrong. But Israel was so far from God that they couldn’t even find the Law. And then, finally, somebody found it in some secret conclave in the temple and oh, there was great rejoicing that they found the Law. All right, what had happened to God in the meantime? He left them. The Shekinah glory left them. They hadn’t had a temple for centuries. And so even at the time of Christ, the temple was still the center of their national activity, their social life. But spiritually what was it? It was a dead cause. God had long since left it. All right, so now, where is He picking it up for the last few years of His dealing with Israel? In the midst of these seven synagogues. Do you get the picture?

He has now left Jerusalem that’s going to soon be destroyed by the Romans, but God is going to continue dealing with His people here on earth, getting ready for the Tribulation, which is going to shortly come to pass, and so He stands in the midst of these seven lamp stands which are really congregations of Jewish believers. They are the last Jewish witness. Now, by the time we get to the end of the first century, 30 years after the temple is gone, what’s happened even to these seven congregations? They disappear. They are just simply taken off the scene and any semblance of God dealing with His covenant people disappears and they go into the dispersion that has held even until our present time.

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tinaotaku · 2 years

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omgggg I love you writing your one of the last that I found that does muzan with child

Can I ask for muzan with a fem! teen daughter who constantly wants her father to stop having an obsession with her

like imagine she looks just like her mother so he see her as the mother 👩🏻‍🦯👩🏻‍🦯👩🏻‍🦯

If your requests are closed I’m so so so sorry</3

Note: I freaking lost my work after disconnecting from the wifi. I'm so ready to yeet.

aNYWAY, (T/W Su!cide, De4th, M4nipul4tion, and more) this one-shot may be triggering for some people. Plz, note that I warned you before. If yall are uncomfortable with this topic, I'll suggest skipping this entire one-shot.

Author's POV

Muzan hummed as he combed your hair. Softly, he asked, "Which kimono would you like to wear today? The red kimono or the gold kimono? Today is the day where we first met. Therefore, I believe the gold kimono would suit today's activities. You won't mind, would you?"

Your lips stayed close, not having any encouragement to speak your mind. No matter what kind of response you give, Muzan will do things that he wants. Then, Muzan stood up from the ground and walked to the closet, specifically, your dead mother's closet.

No matter how much you would like to open your mouth and cry, you know you can't. The first time you opened your mouth and spoke your mind, all you got was endless torture with words of fake promises. You promised you do want to go through that kind of torture ever again, the pain wasn't worth it. Once was enough.

Instead, you closed your eyes as you tried to remember the first time your father started doing this kind of behavior. Ah, how can you forget, (Y/n)?

It all started with one incident.

Suic*de.

Honestly, you don't remember how it all started. You still can remember how your mother would sing you to sleep or how your dad would play with you. It was a very normal childhood. Then, it all stops.

Your dad soon becomes a lot more evil than before, pressuring his demons to find the Blue Spider Lily as fast as possible. He was obsessed to achieve the ultimate perfection.

The fact that your mother died also didn't help the situation. He began to hallucinate a lot of things. Deep inside your heart, you knew your dad loved your mother very much. It was subtle but as long as you have a great sense of hearing, you can hear sobbing and murmured from his room. He begs for God up there to somehow revive your mother and bring his dead heart back.

However, things do not go well from then on.

He began to find a woman similar to your mom. He spent decades pursuing a different woman in attempts to find a person that resembles your mother very well. This behavior made him, and you separate from each other. Though, you can't lie. You were heartbroken and have to take some time away from your dad. In those years, you had grown up into a beauty, similar to your mom.

Oh, scratch that, you look exactly like your mom. Who are we kidding right now? Your eyes, your fingers, even your gestures, all of them are an exact copy of your mom. One can mistake you as (M/n), and honestly, you can't blame them for thinking that way. Even Kokushibou who has been with Muzan for the longest mistook you as (M/n).

When he came back to the Infinity Fortress to see any developments in Blue Spider Lily research, he accidentally met you. He can't believe his eyes and thought that (M/n) had come back alive somehow. Sadly, it wasn't (M/n) but (Y/n).

From there, everything went downhill. Your father treated you the same as how he treated (M/n); sweet, loving, and supporting. At first, you are happy to see your dad treating you better than you expected. Being away for so long deals with a mental scar on your heart. All you wanted now was affection and attention.

Muzan thought (M/n) revived from her death and mistook you as your mother, therefore treating you just like he did to your mom. On the other hand, you thought that Muzan realized his mistake and tried to reconcile his relationship with you.

It was an understatement to say that both of you are way too naive and in a state of delusion.

It took you around ten years to realize what he had done to you and himself. It was a shocking truth, after all. All demons can see the truth, yet they aren't brave enough to say it.

You tried to explain, but we all know what happened.

The weird relationship between you and your dad continued. As time goes, you can see yourself in the depth of the abyss, trying to find a new source of light. Needless to say, you had long given up. There's no use for you to live anyway.

Your dad continues to call that dead woman's name, and every demon stays away from you. You have no one to talk to and soon fall into depression. All you wanted were nothing but a sweet yet painless death. Evil voices sprouted from your mind and told you to end yourself. At first, you ignored those whispers and tried to live just like before. Though, it did not stop and convince you to do it. You felt like fighting a losing war, so you decided to take a step forward.

"Please stop this," you whispered under your breath, gaining Muzan's attention. He was pleased to see his beloved speaking to him. Even though he couldn't hear your words, he smiled and looked into his beloved's face. You, who were looking at the floor silently pulled a hairpin from your sleeve. Then, you asked him a question.

"Please, who am I? Am I Kibutsuji (Y/n) or Kibutsuji (M/n)?"

"Whatever do you mean, (M/n)? You are my wife and will forever be my wife, (M/n). But who is this (Y/n) you're talking about? Is she a demon that you just met-"

"(M/n) this and (M/n) that... I'm so sick of hearing that bullsh*t! Why do people always confuse me with that dead woman's name?! My name is (Y/n)! It's (Y/n)! (Y/n), (Y/n), (Y/n)! Why can't my stupid dad realize this?! You told me that you named me (Y/n) yet why did you still call me that woman's name?! Just because I am a replica of her doesn't mean you can treat me like this! I hate you, Dad, I hate you so much! Words can't describe how much I would like to kill you and leave you to die! I hate everyone in this world! Why, why, why?!" You ranted your ass out in front of your dad. Your breathing went into an irregular pattern before standing up and looking into your father's eyes.

There's no happiness left. There is no remorse, no passion, no love.

You mustered up the rest of your courage before smiling at your dad. The last sweet innocent smile, just likes how you did when you were little. All of those memories flashed right before your eyes, and you knew that you had made the right decision.

"I wish for your happiness, Dad. If someday mother come back alive, tell her to take my place and forget me,"

It all happened so fast. One second you were ranting, another second you are gone. A quick slash across your neck ended your life. The horror look on his face surely made you smile. It was certainly a memory to remember, quite worth it to bring it to your next life.

#muzan kibutsuji x reader #muzan #muzan x reader #xreader #demon slayer #kibutsuji muzan #kny #muzan-kibutsuji-x-reader #x reader #oneshot #kny angst

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samuel-de-champagne-problems · 2 years

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All Too Well

Summary: Reader finds herself reminiscing on a long gone relationship that she remembers all too well. The image of the woman in the moodboard doesn’t accurately depict “reader” as she is a self insert character. I wanted to include images from the All Too Well Short film that you can find on YouTube (highly recommend if you haven’t seen it yet!)

Warnings: Toxic relationship, implied age gap, an incredibly unhealthy amount of TS references

Word Count: 4700

Paring: Spencer Reid x Female Reader (Angst without a happy ending)

Author's Note: A fic that I thought I would never actually finish. There's an absurd amount of Taylor Swift references. I really hope you enjoy this! And special thanks to my wonderful friend @reidsbookclub for reading and giving me kind words!! This fic has taken me pretty much months to write. I really appreciate all reblogs, comments, and tags!! I hope you enjoy this, it does break my own rule about sad endings, but I think we can all make an excuse for All Too Well.

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ALL TOO WELL

Loving him was like making an oath. I made it my sacred oath to cherish what we had before he tore it all up. It was something rare. We’re just skin and bone, bruised and blue by the love affair that left me on the stairs crumpled up like a discarded scrap of paper. The kind of paper with a messy, half thought out note. Something careless and unimportant. Something long forgotten and stuck in time. Frozen behind glass, a forever winter longing for her summer sun.

I would have been his summer sun. I wish I could have been his only one. But his love was a faithless hoax I believed in. I contorted myself till my bones threatened to snap. I loved him with my entire soul, the same soul that he left covered in dust and fractured in thousands of shiny pieces reflected light onto his soulless eyes. He left me bruised and betrayed, but still begging for his bogus benevolence.

Maybe if I retraced my steps I’d be able to figure out when everything fell apart. If I had to guess, it was our first encounter in the lecture hall. His love burned me to the core, but at least we were electrified. And even now, I can still feel it surging through my veins.

Or maybe not. Maybe I gave myself the sign the moment my lifeless frame cowered away at his empty touch. Maybe I should have reconsidered falling for the face of a traitor disguised as the closest thing to a miracle.

Falling in love with Spencer wasn’t like tripping over a forgotten pair of shoes and catching myself with both of my hands firmly on a chair. Loving Spencer Reid was a full on car crash. It’s a collision that knocks the wind out of me, leaving me with nothing to do, but lick my wounds and hope I’ll make it out alive. The impact should be the part that hurt the most. But it's what comes after that’s the worst. Again and again I’m in that car crash, wondering if I made it out. Constantly trapped in an endless cycle, letting him ruin me over and over again. All for what? Stolen glances in lecture halls? Regretful kisses in elevators? Wearing his cardigan, kissing in his car again? The chance that man that was never mine, might want me to be his?

I remember his voice.

His voice echoed in the lecture hall Professor Reid called his classroom. I was always early to class and he was always running late, meaning every Tuesday and Thursday we crossed paths. Him leaving and me going, even now with the knowledge and wisdom of hindsight on my side it all makes so much sense. But maybe I’ll just allow myself the peace of being a beautiful fool.

He’s much younger than the rest of the tenured staff, making him the object of many students’ affections. I can’t say I blame them, or myself for that matter, even. He’s handsome in a dorky way. And he’s dorky in a handsome way. But there’s so much more to him beneath the surface. I can see in the way his hands grip the strap on his satchel or the way his fingers fiddle as he explains questions to students. But I can see it most in the way he looks at me.

His back was turned towards the white board as he frantically wiped away the messily written words. I’ve heard rumors about him. Young undergrads gushed about how cute he was, teaching assistants swapped stories about his time in a prestigious FBI unit, other professors rolled their eyes at his youthfulness, but even they couldn’t resist the very strange charms of Spencer Reid.

He must have heard me coming in, because Spencer turns around towards the noise. He gives me a tightlipped smile and a friendly nod before turning back towards the white board. I can hear him muttering under his breath. His voice, somehow, is soft yet commanding. There’s something about it that makes me want to hang on to every word he says.

“Do you need some help,” I asked him, regretting it the moment I said it from the way he looked at me. Relief washed over his face as he nodded a silent yes.

“I’m awful at technology,” he admitted, “Are you in my class? I’m usually pretty good with faces and names. And even if I wasn’t, I should remember a face like your’s,” he told me, his thinly veiled attempt at flirting in that moment made me feel special. But now it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I was nothing but a shiny new toy for him to play with and discard when he realized that my reflection needed something to bounce off.

“I, that’s very kind of you to say,” I told him. I hoped that the tremor in my hands didn’t give away just how much his words affected me, “But no. I’m a grad student. I have Professor Patel in about ten minutes, I just like to get here early. Ahh, there, Professor, you just need to make sure you keep saving your work. I know it’s a pain,”

“Spencer,”

“Excuse me?” I asked, sneaking a glance upwards at him. He’s so tall, but not imposing like some tall men are. Spencer Reid is tall and very handsome, but the kind of tall and handsome that doesn’t need to boast about it. I’ve concluded that he knows he’s tall and handsome and therefore doesn’t feel the need to tell women just how tall and handsome he is. Or, conversely, he doesn’t care that he’s tall and handsome. Considering that he often had this far away look in his eyes, like his brain was running on overtime all the time.

“Considering that I’m not your professor and that you’ve taught me something, I think you should call me by my name. If you want that is,” he explained as he leaned down to check the progress on the revived document I saved. As he leaned, Spencer rested his arms on the edge of the desk. His rolled up sleeves and quiet timbre of his voice made me want to dive deeper into the gold rush of adrenaline and emotion he made me feel, even in the short time I’ve known him.

Somehow, I could see what’s hidden behind the surface. What’s behind those kind eyes, the kind of eyes with an indescribable color. Sometimes brown, sometimes green. Maybe one day I’ll forget innocuous details like the color of his eyes. When it’s long gone and there’s nothing I can do, maybe for my own sake I’ll convince myself that his green-brown, kind eyes are forget-me-not blue.

Because even though I burned, I hope he’ll never forget me standing there in a nice dress with red lips that match his perpetually rosy cheeks. He’s younger than he seems. Spencer doesn’t look old, but wise.

Other students knew Spencer as Professor. Staff knew him as colleague. But I knew him as Spencer. I convinced myself, in spite of all the signs he must have given me that the Spencer I knew, that the Spencer I would have loved with my dying breath, was the real Spencer. And now, with Spencer-shaped scars surrounding my soul, I’m not sure about much of anything anymore.

“See you Thursday-”

“Y/N,” I said, intercepting what I knew he was going to ask. I’ll remember it forever, the sound of my name on his lips. Even though I’ve only heard it once at that moment, it was my favorite sound. I’ll replay it in my mind, like a film with an ending that tears me up every time I watch it.

It’s also the first time I saw him walk away from me. But certainly not the last.

I remember the way he smelled.

If Spencer sounded like everything good in this world, Spencer Reid smelt like fall.

The autumn leaves fell down like pieces into place. The leaves, some fiery reds and some soft yellows mixed into an unseemly brown. The leaves crunched under our shoes as we walked side by side, hand in hand. I tried to act cool when Spencer held my hand, even though it felt like my heart wanted to burst outside of my chest.

“Come on,” he teases, a strange look of youthfulness on his face, “It’s not that hard, Y/N,” Spencer says, my name on his lips makes my heart erratic. Everything about him makes me erratic. His spicy cologne, the way he held my hand as we walked up the path, the way his jacket fits around my shoulders. Everything about Spencer makes me completely and utterly dazed.

Spencer drags the bike along the path with one hand as he keeps the other interlocked with mine. He looks over at me smiling. He’s beautiful with the sunlight basking behind him. I can get lost in him. Lost in the way his eyes never leave my face, lost in the way his voice says my name like a secret language, lost in all of him that’s only for me. But in reality I never lost him, because I never had him. Somewhere along the line we got lost in translation.

“I’m scared,” I whisper as we walk further and further along the path, “I know it’s silly. I’m nearly 23 and never learned how to ride a bike,” I chuckle, the self-deprecation masked as humor natural to me. Spencer doesn’t laugh. He stops walking to look at me.

“Hey, don’t do that,” he says, nearly making me stumble with his firm tone, “It’s okay to be scared, Y/N. This is new and you can get hurt. But I’m here, to catch your fall. Besides, I brought Bandaids,” he says, eyes twinkling with laughter. I could never quite pinpoint how old Spencer is. Sometimes he’ll laugh and seem like a little kid with glasses, but other times he’ll smile at me and face will flood with lines and crinkles.

“I trust you,” I whisper, trusting myself to trust him with every ounce of my being. I’ll do anything to keep him smiling at me like that. It makes me, in a strange way, feel complete in a way I’ve never been completed. Maybe it’s soulmates or twin flames or just a figment of my worst intentions, but whatever I’ll spend forever wondering if I should have run as I as I could have.

“Alright,” Spencer says, breaking the silence that falls upon us. With Spencer I don’t feel like I have to fill the silence gaps with senseless conversation. When I’m with him it feels like I’m home somehow. I can see a sliver of the little kid with glasses he used to be. Back when he’d crawl into a twin sized bed after weekends spent traveling the world in cardboard box ships and afternoons clutching home lunchboxes in sweaty palms.

He adjusts my scarf around my neck and I can feel his rough fingertips brushing against my skin. I know now that his expired touches will linger longer than I’d want. And I hope that the scarf he can’t get rid of reminds him of me. Remnants of a love affair tainted with his woodsy cologne; the intoxication of needing to be loved so blindly.

It was this woodsy, sage and cinnamon cologne that Spencer wore as he steadied me on the bike with his hands on my waist that’s stayed with me even since I watched him leave.

“I won’t let you fall,” Spencer said to me. He whispered into my ear, making the hairs on my skin stand up at his closeness. I shivered, still not used to having someone as magnetic as him so close to me.

“Promise?” I ventured. Looking back I think that perhaps what Spencer said wasn’t about that bike ride at all. Maybe he was talking to himself. Maybe he was, as his hands melted into my skin and his words warmed my brittle heart, willing himself not to fall in love with me. But I fell, not on what I thought was shared, sacred, special holy ground. No, I fell for him. And broke my bones and lost myself in the process.

“Promise,” Spencer whispered, in what, at the moment everything I wanted to hear, but furthest from the truth, “I’m going to let g and all you have to do is pedal and, well, not crash,” he added, the layer of dorky humor bubbling to his mind-numbingly attractive exterior.

“Okay,” I shouted, nervous as he let me go. My waist felt empty without his hands resting against my body. I could hardly hear him as I pedaled down the winding path.

The blaze of colorful autumn leaves rushed past me. In a way, I felt like I was soaring through the sky, flying above the trees. If I strained my ear, I could hear Spencer shouting in the close distance. I broke hard and planted my feet firmly on the ground. Spencer, beaming with what I desperately hoped was pride, jogged towards me.

“I did it!” I exclaimed, allowing myself to be proud of my grossly overdue accomplishment. Spencer’s warm smiling filled my cold soul.

“That’s my girl,” Spencer said. He kissed me on my forehead, holding my face in between his two hands. In hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have allowed myself to get swept away by Spencer. I’ll do anything he says if he says it with his hands. I’ll betray myself a million little ways for the scraps of affection he’ll toss my way.

In that moment, with him holding me close, kissing my face, and calling me his, I knew that it was far gone. I knew that Spencer Reid had ruined me. And, even now, I think I liked it. Because, at least for a little while, I was his.

I remember the way he touched me.

“Are you even real?” I whispered into the blue soaked bedroom. It was neat and tidy. Spencer had books scattered around the room, some are under faux plants, some are collecting dust tucked away in the corner.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Spencer asked. He pushed stray pieces of hair behind my ear. His lyrical smile plucked my heartstrings.

“It’s just,” I started, doubting myself, doubting what we had, even then, “it’s just, sometimes I feel like I made you up,”

He didn’t say anything after that. He just kissed my forehead as he slipped out of his crumpled bed. Spencer turned around to face me. He extended his hands, giving me an excuse to touch him again. And I’ll take it every time.

“Dance with me?” Spencer asked. The question barely slipped from his tongue before I clamored from the bed. His flannel shirt, engulfing me in his scent, slipped from my shoulders.

I nodded yes, marveling at how beautiful he looked in the deep blue hue that drowned the bedroom. The warm yellow light from the bathroom forms a halo behind his angelic face. Maybe I should have known that my eclipsed sun had a deceptively crooked halo. But I was blinded by his heavenly touch that I missed the hellish aftermath it put me through.

We swayed together, my face pressed up against his chest. We danced with the bathroom light illuminating the flaws we tried to hide from each other. He kissed me like I’ve never been kissed before. I believed his empty promises because I craved his even emptier touches. They felt real in the moment. His calloused fingertips brush over skin that begs for his attention.

I don’t think I was ever a religious person. Maybe it was the idea of pledging belief in the intangible that never sparked something in me. I may not believe in much, but I did believe in Spencer. Even though he burned me, bruised me, betrayed me, his faithless love is the only hoax I believe in.

It was moments like that, frozen in time, that I hoped hard enough that what we had could last forever. He held my cold body close to his, drawing shapeless shapes over my bare skin. Bashful and shy, when he blushed at my delight over his childhood photos I saw the tiniest sliver of the little boy with glasses that slept in a twin sized bed. I wonder, looking back, if his bed is cold without me now. If he regrets telling all about his past like the thought his future was me.

I remember he left. When I felt so cold and lifeless and empty with his hands all over me. For a man that couldn’t say he loved me, he certainly touched me, kissed me, worshiped me like he did. I suppose, now, it was just a false love, worshiped at a false altar with a false prophet chanting my name.

I miss his hands, warm and big, that burned into his flannel shirt he let me wear. Just like Spencer’s baited breath is the only soundtrack I want to dance to, his borrowed touches are the only touches I care to feel.

I remember how it tasted when he left me.

The buttercream icing was too sweet. It was so thick that I felt like I had to swallow three times before I felt like I could breathe again. I was on borrowed time. It was only moments before my winning smile would give way to the painful frown that I hid so gracefully.

I remember it all too well. Standing there in my party dress with red lipstick missing the only person I cared to see. I guess, looking back, I felt unmoored as I watched my friends dance under the mirrorball without the pain of being unloved.

The sweetness gave way into bitterness as the night matured. It became harder and harder to play the part of the ever-shiny jewel. I remember that I started with passion at the mirrorball high above my head. I wondered if I started long enough I’d be able to see my own reflection materialize before me. I wondered too, against my best intentions, that if I hoped enough he’d show up too.

It was hard to be at a party when all I felt like was an open wound. And what you don’t know is how much harder it is to heal that wound when the only one that could fix it couldn’t be bothered to show up.

Glitter littered the floor, along with empty bottles and expired laughter. Alone, I sat on the hardwood floor wondering if my borrowed time with Spencer had finally turned sour. It would be a lie to say that I couldn’t have seen this coming. But it would be a lie that I’d like to ignore. Instead, I’ll pick up the rose colored glasses to watch our ill-fated illicit affair in irresistible rose blush.

Lost in the memory, I almost missed the frantic knocking at the door. Standing there, looking like hell, Spencer leaned against the doorframe. If I liked myself more, I would have kicked him out. But I didn’t, I thought I loved him more than life itself. I suppose now I loved him enough to justify hurting myself. And maybe, if Spencer loved me in return he would have known to not string me alone for entertainment.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, unable to speak to him in a potent tone. All I wanted was to jump into his arms, even if it would kill me.

“It’s your birthday,”

“It was,” I replied. I spat the words through my teeth, hating the way that Spencer’s intelligent eyes and warm hands made me want to forgive his indiscretions with a nonchalant wave and a pained-masked smile. I’ve found myself bending with Spencer. I bent when I met his friends, lost in their world of children and spouses and opinions on fancy bottles of wine. I bent when I pretended not to love him in front of colleagues at university banquets. I bent when I swallowed my sorrows when he didn’t show up that night.

If I bent anymore, my bones would break in half. And, somehow, standing there in my party dress with my lips painted in red lipstick, I knew that Spencer wouldn’t be around to mend them.

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” Spencer said, maybe saying out of obligation more than truth, “I got caught up in something and I just…”

“Save it,” I told him as I turned on my heel to clean up the bottles that lay forgotten on the floor, “I get it. You’re too important and special and wonderful to be bothered with my frivolous friends and their frivolous parties,”

“You know that’s not true,” Spencer retorted, letting the half deflated balloon fly up to the ceiling, “You’re overacting, Y/N,”

“I’m overacting?” I shouted, feeling the last eight months of swallowing my words threaten to come back with a vengeance in my throat. I can still recall the way the weight of him festered inside of me. Like a wine stain that I can wash away, no matter how hard I scrub.

“Yeah and you’re acting like a spoiled child. It’s embarrassing,”

The sweetness is gone. The bitterness is washed away by something else entirely. I think I prayed that night. I prayed that the floor would swallow me whole. That I wouldn’t feel the way my eyes burned with tears. That I wouldn’t fight that all too familiar lump in my throat. That I wouldn’t have a tremor in my hands that I couldn’t shake. I prayed to feel nothing, because, in that moment I felt everything. Everything came back to me. The stolen touches in empty classrooms, the bike ride with the autumn leaves that crunched under our feet, the countless silent nights when I memorized the color of his eyes. I’ll remember it all, all too well.

“I embarrass you?” I asked him, wondering if the break in my voice breaks him too. I hoped it did. I hoped he realized that because I loved him so, hearing his words of ridicule broke me in return.

“Look, Y/N. You’re young. You’ve just got a lot of growing up to do-”

“I embarrass you?” I repeated, waving my hands in the air to wash away his words, “Do you even love me back?”

I never hated the silence. I thought I could hear it in silence. I thought that if I listened hard enough, I’d hear it in the way he looked at me, the way he touched me, the way he loved me.

“Y/N,” Spencer said, talking to me like I was petulant child with a wild imagination, “Come on,”

“No, Spencer. You don’t get to tell me to come on. You don’t get to minimize what we had. You don’t get to call the narrative when it suits you. You have to call it what it was,” I shouted at the top of my lungs, not caring that the entire apartment complex was privy to our fallout.

“You’re making a big scene out of nothing,” Spencer retorted, running his hands through his hair as he looked at the floor, “I think you’re drunk and tired and confused,”

“I loved you,” I whispered, stepping so close to him that I could see the way his skin crinkled around his eyes, “I loved you with every fiber of my being. I remember it, Spencer. I remember what we had, I remember how you loved me,”

“Please,” Spencer scoffed, his annoyed tone hurting more than an angry one ever could, “I’ve…we’ve”

“You kept me like a secret, Spencer. But you…you were an oath to me. You were everything I ever wanted. I was everything I ever wanted to be with you,”

“I think…I think we’re done here,” Spencer whispered, tucking my hair behind my ear one final time, “Maybe, Y/N. Things could have been different if it weren’t for time. Maybe if we were closer in age. Yeah, maybe it could have been different,”

And that. And that made me want to die.

I should hate Spencer. I should hate him for stringing me along, making me believe that he loved me back. I should hate him for ruining me. But that’s the thing. It’s so sick how much I don’t hate him. It’s sickening how much I still love him. How can I hate him when I love him? But what is loving Spencer if it makes me hate myself?

Watching him in the rearview is like watching a silent movie with characters that are achingly familiar. Tragically beautiful and doomed fall apart. I can see us, twin flames, lost in the memory watching what we had slipped into a moment of time. I’ll come to hate it. Time, not Spencer.

In hindsight, I knew I should have seen the signs. The way he’d look over his shoulder in public, or the way he'd come to me after cases, when the dark of night was a twisted veil that covered our sins. Tragic and fated to fall apart. It’s sickly Shakespearean with a mix of old Hollywood. But in the movies, he’d love me back and wouldn’t push me away when the sun peaks in through the blinds.

I’m not sure of many things anymore. I’m still trying to pick up the pieces of my fractured soul. When our souls parted, I fell apart. It was like a part of me fell apart at the seams when our souls parted. When he turned his back on my and darkened my wistful daydreams. When he turned my blissful ignorance into scorned apathy.

I can see us, even now, dancing in the star-drenched dead of night. Our quiet heartbeats and the steady hum of the refrigerator are the soundtrack to a bruising illicit affair. I can feel Spencer’s words, drunk on the idea of me, as we waltzed together in step. I can’t do that anymore, but all of it reminds me of him. It’s hard to dance when all you feel like is an open wound. It’s hard to feel anything when you feel nothing. It’s hard to move on from something that wasn't much of anything.

We all want to be the main character in someone's love story. Desperately, we’ll cling to this notion of happily ever after and look longingly into the distance for a 35mm camera to capture the magic that unfolds. I suppose that we’ll learn too late that we’re not the star, shiny bright and never dull. We’re lackluster. We’re dented. We’re nothing like was promised.

After all these days, I still dream of being the main character in his love story, but he ripped that paper out letting it lay crumpled on the floor, forgotten and tarnished. Maybe one day I’ll wake up to a fresh page. The crinkles that he abandoned me with will be smoothed out like I’m brand new. What’s passed is the past, prologue in the story of everything.

He persists, preserved in my memory. Time might fly by, but I’m paralyzed by it. I’m still trying to find my old self again, while being scared for what awaits me in my own reflection. Will I see the scars that he left? Will I feel the emotional bruises he left. Will I ever be a fresh page on the desk, writing my love story as I go?

But he keeps my old scarf from that very first week because it reminds him of innocence and it smells like me. He can’t get rid of, after all this time, because he remembers it all too well.

I knew he’d linger on my lips. Slow to leave like the last train from the station. I knew that I’d miss you as the dust settled on my frozen form. I knew that he’d be all over me, and nothing I could do would change what we had. If only, if only Spencer Reid had loved me enough to call it what it was.

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neurodivergientqueerthoughts · 3 years

Text

Introduction

Have you been wondering what ADHD is really like? This will not be biased towards one minority of people who have ADHD. It will be focused on the big picture.

This document will explain the seriousness of ADHD and everything that may come with it. Make sure to do more research into ADHD, as I am not an expert (although I, myself, have ADHD). In this, I go into detail about different aspects of ADHD and why it should not be taken lightly.

What is ADHD?

(Note: Not everyone with ADHD has these symptoms. They can vary from person to person.)

Constant activity going on internally (Hyperactivity)

Hyperfixations

Hyperfocusing

Depression (Co-occurring)

Anxiety (Co-occurring)

Sensory Processing Disorder

Executive Dysfunction

Auditory Processing Disorder (Co-occurring)

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

Insomnia / Sleep issues

Inability to focus

Difficulty switching tasks

Inability to stick to one task

Mood swings

Difficulty regulating emotions

Choice paralysis

Problems with focusing

Poor impulse control

Trouble recalling things, such as commonly used words

Exhaustion levels

Imposter syndrome

Overwhelm

Overstimulation / Sensory Overload

Understimulation

Memory issues

Motivation issues

Time blindness

Poor sense of time

Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (Co-occurring)

Extreme boredom

Going into Detail

Executive Dysfunction/ADHD Paralysis:

A feeling of constantly ‘waiting for something’, without knowing what or why.

Confusion as to how to start or do a task.

A feeling of being completely overwhelmed, even by mundane tasks, to a point of being unable to do the task or function.

A very good description of how this can feel is “a fuzzy-restless feeling when you need to do something but your brain won’t focus on anything… you’re silently begging yourself to just do one thing but instead you’re [sitting there] even though you don’t even want to be. It’s like your head is filled with heavy electric cotton… you’re both uncomfortable and unable to stop.”

This is not the same thing as procrastination or laziness. This occurs with tasks that the person is afraid to do, does not want to do, or even wants to do. Laziness means that a person does not feel like doing something, but they could if they wanted to. Executive dysfunction/ADHD paralysis can be described as something a person has been trying to do for [insert amount of time between minutes and months/years], but they physically cannot do the task and end up feeling like a failure because of that. It is debilitating.

Hyperfixation/Hyperfocus:

An extreme obsession over something. This can be creating something, finding out everything about something, or just something that creates extreme emotions in somebody.

This obsession can easily become unhealthy as the person may forget to take care of themselves due to it. However, these hyperfixations cause extreme joy or curiosity in the person.

Difficulty switching tasks:

“When you have ADHD, task switching can often be difficult. You might feel like you're stuck in a gear. It might be you're trying to start, and your gears just keep on grinding. Other times you may want to stop but the gear just stays in place because you're hyper-focusing on whatever you're doing.”

Inability to stick to one task:

People with ADHD often have issues with motivation, which leads to many unfinished projects.

If a task does not give a person with ADHD dopamine, they are often unable to complete the task (i.e. homework; chores).

Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome:

Instead of having a regular circadian rhythm, with sleeping hours from 11 pm to 7 am, people have an irregular pattern of 2 am to about 10 am.

These times are flexible. However, this means that people with ADHD tend to have issues with falling asleep at a “normal time”.

Extreme boredom:

People with ADHD have issues with dopamine and serotonin.

There are moments when boredom can be painful. People with ADHD can be bored to tears due to extreme emotions and a lack of dopamine.

Time Processing:

If somebody has to leave at 8 am and they wake up at 5:30, they will think that they have two hours or less to get ready. Time seems to pass without a pattern or rhythm.

“Today is Monday, but tomorrow is Tuesday and I have class. After that is Wednesday: I’m having lunch with my mom. Then on Thursday, I have a night class which means it’s basically already Friday and this week is already over.”

Time Blindness:

Not knowing how much time has passed based on their ‘internal clock’; they don’t have one!

Being completely unaware of how much time something will take.

Memory issues:

With ADHD, memory can be greatly affected. Some things will be forgotten very quickly, and some things can be over-remembered.

Difficulty regulating emotions:

“Processing emotions starts in the brain. Sometimes the working memory impairments of ADHD allow a momentary emotion to become too strong, flooding the brain with one intense emotion.” -Thomas Brown, PhD

Brain imaging shows that delayed rewards don’t register for people with ADHD. They are more motivated by the instant gratification that strong emotions deliver.

As a result, a person with ADHD may struggle to deal rationally and realistically with events that are stressful, but not of grave concern.

Motivation issues:

People with ADHD have much lower levels of dopamine than those without ADHD. This causes the brain to constantly crave dopamine.

If a task is not providing the dopamine the brain wants, it will make a person with ADHD less motivated to complete the task, or even start it.

Overstimulation / Sensory Overload:

Information reaching the senses feels like an assault of competing stimuli.

Understimulation:

Outside stimuli are dulled, as if a shade has been pulled over the environment, muting sights, sounds, and touch. These people crave extra stimulation to feel alive.

Exhaustion levels:

Feeling fatigued and tired all the time can actually be related to ADHD. Due to low dopamine levels, people with ADHD can feel exhausted even after getting ample amounts of sleep.

Ironically, people can get bursts of energy from ADHD as well. This can be from hyperactivity or high amounts of dopamine.

Imposter Syndrome:

Feeling like a fraud and doubting your own abilities.

Somebody who is intelligent and who has ADHD can have imposter syndrome towards both. They are not related to each other, but the ways they are portrayed in media causes imposter syndrome.

Auditory Processing Disorder:

Things can take longer to process when somebody hears them than when they see/read them.

The amount or complexity of noise around somebody can affect how they hear things.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria:

Extreme anxiety towards being criticized or rejected by others, despite their relationship with the person.

Extreme pain or emotional sensitivity is caused by a sense of ‘rejection’.

Hyperactivity:

This is not always visible, if at all. There is constant activity going on inside of a person’s head when they have ADHD.

This creates difficulty with sleep and relaxation.

If visible, it usually takes the form of fidgeting or stimming.

“Dealing” with ADHD

ADHD cannot be fixed, but some things can help people work with it. The coping mechanisms vary from person to person, and they aren’t always going to work. Getting diagnosed with ADHD is the best step to take before anything else, as trained professionals can help with ADHD symptoms.

It is important to understand that ADHD is a learning and doing disability. It affects every aspect of life, but it isn’t a bad thing! Many things with ADHD can be positive as well. Hyperfocusing can lead to a lot of productivity! Additionally, people with ADHD are known to be more creative and inventive (according to numerous studies). Empathy and compassion are higher in individuals with ADHD. People with ADHD even have a stronger moral compass!

#actually adhd #neurodivergency #neurodivergent #research paper #adhd post #adhd symptoms #adhd things #living with adhd #adhd problems #info #writing #research

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thesunicarusfellfor · 3 years

Note

Hello! How are you doing today? I was wondering if you could maybe do a part two of ‘Safe behind Glass’ of the reader re-connecting with the others in the Dream smp who were worried about them/searching for them and maybe the reader going to visit the bench trio in the prison to say final goodbyes, kinda like Tommy tried to do to Dream, and when they leave the prison the day ends with them ready to continue life being surrounded with people that care about them. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to though! And I apologize if this doesn’t make sense!

Here it is! After pretty much two months of being dead, and not responding to asks (Sorry anons. Mental Health comes first.), I have been temporarily revived! Now! This revival is temporary as I have finally gotten into college, but this means my writing will be little to non-existent.

Anyway, sorry for rambling! Here is Safe Behind Glass part two! The prison visiting will be a fic, in the next chapter, this is basically the 'healing' chapter.

Part One

Free from the Glass (Yandere!Plat!C!Bench Trio x GN!Reader)

You weren't exactly sure what was happening... It was loud and bright and there were too many people talking at once.

Warning signs were going off in your head nonstop to the point where it was sending you into a panic.

Run into the trees. Remember? They kidnapped you.

Hide back in the room. It's safe and quiet.

Run to the trio. They only want to protect you.

Practically gasping for air, you ducked out of the way of a trident that was aimed at Tubbo, only to cry out as lightning hit where it landed.

Thunder roared in your ears and rain pelted down onto your shaking form, as you dodged out of the way of the grabbing hands trying to pull you to their respective side.

"(Y/n)! We only want what's safe for you! That's why to did it! Remember?" Tommy cried out in your direction as he threw a splash potion towards his enemies.

"They kidnapped you, (Y/n)! They took you away from your life, your friends! They don't want what's best for you, they want you all to themselves!" Sam called, catching his trident as it returned to him.

Despite their best efforts, you remained frozen stiff off to the side, clenching the totem and Rapple tightly as the thunderstorm continued to rage on in the sky.

Honestly, you don't know when the fighting stopped or the rain stopped hammering down on your (s/t) skin, that was slightly sunburnt after so long of not being exposed to sunlight.

Hands slowly placed themselves on your shoulders and you looked up to see Captain Puffy...

You had missed her fluffy hair... Half brown and half white, filled with rainbow dyes that were running from being in the rain...

Her skin was bruised and slightly irritated from splash potions most likely... But her eyes were so soft and loving...

It was different than the way Tommy, Tubbo and Ranboo looked at you... More loving, but in... a parental way?

"(Y/n)..." She whispered, smiling softly, "It's been so long... I'm glad you're alive... Come on... Let's get you cleaned up."

The first few days passed like a blur.

Too much sun, yet too dark... Too loud, but deafeningly silent...

For the first while, you wanted nothing to do with anyone else's existence.

But you also didn't want to even think about being alone...

Eventually, you started to become more and more comfortable with people other than Ranboo, Tubbo and Tommy...

But that didn't mean that you didn't miss them. At first.

Philza had practically sobbed when he first saw you, but you didn't know if it was relief or grief.

I mean, he gained one of his 'children' back, and also a baby Piglin that Ranboo and Tubbo could no longer take care of, but at the same time lost another three. He was extremely conflicted but made sure to give you as much affection as possible.

But he was definitely happy to walk around the SMP, enjoy new drinks/foods, stargaze/cloud watch- whatever you wanted, he would happily do it.

Techno too, albeit awkward, was very happy you were alive as well.

He suggested you joined the Syndicate if you were feeling unsafe, but he definitely didn't force you. Your mind was still fragile, he understood. He was happy with whatever answer you gave.

When you had asked Techno and Phil to trade armour, they were very confused, and it took Philza a moment to understand that it was stressful for you to be wearing the same armour that the Yandere Trio helped make before they kidnapped you.

Puffy was happy to help give you therapy, but she was also constantly in the prison, desperately trying to get answers out of the trio and what drove them to kidnap someone.

Often, when you were starting to do better, Puffy would come to you and go over some of the things that happened while you were in the 'vault' as you called it.

Of course Puffy wouldn't ask you about the more touchy subjects, like when Tubbo would withhold food from you while you were being difficult, or when Ranboo would give you the silent treatment, and also when Tommy would lash out in bursts of rage.

Sam would always walk up and ask how you were if he saw you when he was gathering materials.

He scared you a bit at first, which he understood, but after quite a bit of time, you began to relax around him.

He has definitely offered to give you a channelling trident like his own.

But it was also Sam... who told you that the Trio was constantly begging to see you, using every manipulative trick in the book.

At first, Phil and Puffy were extremely against it. And so were you. They kidnapped you! You wanted nothing to do with them!

But then Philza mentioned that it would give you closure...

And you needed that...

Gods... You needed that so bad...

And now here you were, standing between Philza and Puffy, both clad in fully enchanted netherite armour...

Staring up at the entrance of the obsidian palace of a prison...

To be continued...

#tommyinnit x reader #dream smp x reader #yandere tommyinnit #yandere tommyinnit x reader #yandere tubbo x reader #yandere tubbo #dsmp #tommyinnit dreamsmp #tubbo dreamsmp #ranboo dream smp #tommyinnit dream smp #tubbo dream smp #c!tommyinnit #c!tommy #c!tubbo #yandere ranboo x reader #yandere ranboo #c!ranboo

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maybe-your-left · 2 years

Text

what goes up must come down - chapter five

Summary: “So,” Armitage turned to you, “Is he your attack dog now? After years of hating him, he's here to protect you, from someone who loves you?”

You scoffed, “We don’t love each other.”

“Hm.”

“But you love him,” he gestured to Kylo, “Your baby-daddy, just because he fucked you for the first time in almost six years?”

A link to my Mega Masterlist, Kylo Ren Masterlist, and my Random Ren Masterlist, and what goes up must come down Masterlist for all your stalking needs.

Kylo was exhausted.

His daughter was an even bigger handful in her own house. Laughing, crying, begging for attention from her mother, and she couldn’t give her any. She was still recovering from her injury, which she hadn’t explained to him.

“Nyx,” Kylo sighed, leaning on the kitchen island with tired eyes. He insisted on sleeping in the guest room, so he wouldn’t roll on (Y/N) in his sleep.

She assured him it would be okay, but he couldn’t risk it. Rose had explained the extent of her injury, along with things she shouldn’t be doing. Which included having sex, he didn’t like Rose's tone when she mentioned that.

“Kylo,” Nyx jumped around next to him, “I get to go to school today!”

He nodded slowly, suppressing a yawn, “Yup, your mother and I are taking you in a little.”

“Are you gonna meet my teacher?”

“Probably not.”

She frowned at him, crossing her little arms in a huff. God, she had an attitude, it was funny when he didn’t have to deal with it constantly but now... Not so much, he stood up straight. Stretching his arms and cracking his back, is this what parenting is?

Everything hurting?

Having no alone time?

Absolutely none, he couldn’t even jerk off this morning because Nyx decided to pay him a visit. Jumping on his bed, knocking the wind out of his lungs.

“Everyone ready?”

Jesus, Kylo flinched at her voice. How was she so fucking quiet? She had one leg right now… “Yeah, let’s go. I need coffee.”

“There’s a coffee maker right on the counter.”

“Bold of you to assume I know how to use one.”

(Y/N) piled everyone in the car, even though Kylo tried to help. She just smacked his hand away, hissing how she could do it herself. To which he responded by saying that she could drive herself. That fucking shut her up, sitting in the passenger seat quietly. Letting there be peace for the first time in 48 hours.

However, it didn’t last long.

Nyx squealed like an animal, clapping her hands loudly when they pulled up to her school. Kylo cringed at all the children, their parents walking them up to the doors. Some smiling teachers waved hello, chatting about whatever pre-school teachers even do.

“I have to get out,” she mumbled.

“Why?”

She scowled at him, “Um, she’s five. She can’t open that door, it’s child locked. And I’m a good mom, I’m not letting my daughter just run out in a parking lot.”

Kylo exhaled slowly, “Fine.”

He pulled into a parking spot, getting out of the car despite her protests. “What are you doing?” she hissed. Kylo ignored her, freeing Nyx from her seat and getting the bags she had shoved between the chairs. “We both know you can’t walk her over there.”

“Say bye to your mother,” Kylo hoisted Nyx to her level. Watching her kiss her mother's face and tell her she loved her. It was gross, it made Kylo feel gross. Trying to remember the last time he told anyone that, even his own mother. He barely spoke to her, it would’ve been before college.

Maybe, he’d call her to see if she was okay… or even alive.

Nyx dragged him by the hand, chatting about her friends the entire way. Kylo could feel the stares of other parents, wondering who he was and why he was with Nyx. To the innocent bystander’s eye it's obvious, she looks just like him.

Same hair, hazel-brown eyes, freckles, and moles.

Clearly, he was her father.

He stopped a few feet from Nyxs’ door and crouched down to her level, she tried to drag him more. But he didn’t relent, ignoring her high-pitched whines. “Hey,” he snapped in her face, “Breathe, it’s okay. We’ll be back to pick you up after school, okay?”

“Okay,” she sighed, still holding his hand despite standing right in his face.

Kylo resisted the urge to hold her, give her a hug or maybe kiss her forehead. But it would just confuse her, but she must’ve noticed his hesitation. Wrapping her little arms around his neck, Kylo stiffened, staring at the concrete below her.

Nyx pulled back after a moment, “You’re bad at hugs.”

He snorted, “Thanks, okay time to go.”

She smiled at him, running off like she didn’t just leave her father on the verge of tears. He stood up slowly, wiping his eyes in the most casual way he could. Watching her little body run past her teacher, who was staring at him strangely, waving her inside.

Fuck, she’s coming towards him.

Kylo started to walk away, but she called out to him, “Excuse me, sir?”

A groan, he spun around. Hands by his sides, cracking his knuckles to try and calm down. Probably wasn’t the best decision, she looked at him terrified of the gesture. Clearing her throat before speaking again, “I don’t think I’ve met you, I’m Mrs. Allen.”

He nodded silently, “Okay.”

“And who are you? I’ve never seen Nyx with someone other than her mother…”

“I didn’t kidnap her,” okay, not the right response.

She choked at that, “Excuse me?”

“Her mother is in the car,” he pointed out to it like she would see her from here. She was probably cackling inside, watching him about to be arrested for walking his daughter to school. He should’ve just let her try on crutches, then he would be the one laughing.

“And you are?”

“Um,” Kylo looked back at the car, “I’m her mothers' friend.”

“Uh-huh, then you wouldn’t mind us going over and seeing her?”

Kylo nodded stiffly, walking her towards the car. Ready to rip the door off its hinges, he was so fucking mad. He could feel his eye twitching, probably making him look even crazier, surely someone already called the police.

He yanked open the door, revealing just what he suspected. (Y/N) was red-faced, trying to steady her breathing. Some unshed tears pooling in her eyes, she bit her lip, “What’s up?”

“She thinks I stole Nyx.”

She looked at the woman, “Hi Mrs. Allen,” she sat a little straighter, “How's it going?”

Kylo growled her name, clenching his jaw to resist the urge to drag her out of the car and leave her here to rot. She schooled her features, “Sorry, I should’ve sent you a message. This is-uh well-Nyx’s dad.”

Mrs. Allen's eyebrows shot up, looking over at Kylo for a moment before looking at her again. Wringing her hands together nervously, “Oh, I thought you said he wasn’t an option?”

“What does that mean,” Kylo cut in, “What’s she talking about?”

“Kylo, be quiet,” she sighed, “Thing’s changed, he’s here for the week so he will be around her and all that. It’s fine-he’s, not a kidnapper or anything.”

She nodded, looking back at him, “My apologies, it’s nice to meet you Mr…?”

“Kylo Ren,” he spat, no longer in the mood to deal with either woman, “Nyx is unaware of who I am, so I ask you to keep it that way.”

He rounded the car without another word, sitting in the driver's seat loudly. Ready to drive off with the door open, maybe drag Mrs. Allen with it. She shrugged next to him, “Sorry, it’s just complicated. We just thought this would be the best way to have her meet him,” Kylo scoffed dramatically, only being silenced by a hand slapping against his mouth, “She doesn’t know he’s her dad, but he’s going to be around so don’t worry.”

Mrs. Allen nodded slowly, “Well, that’s good to know. It was nice meeting you Mr. Ren, we will see you at pick up.”

------

Kylo ripped your hand off his mouth the moment Nyxs’ teacher walked away.

Driving away angrily, even though you mumbled about this being a school parking lot. He just growled in response, growing more agitated the closer you got to the house. You chose to stay quiet, hoping he would simmer down. You weren’t in the mood for a Kylo tantrum, you had already dealt with one of Nyx’s this morning and honestly, you were exhausted.

He stayed quiet when you got home, leaving you alone. You had texted Rose to see if she would come over since you were getting the silent treatment.

Unfortunately, after her laughing like a hyena on the phone over the teacher incident, she couldn’t come. She and Vicrul were out of the city for a little vacation, since Kylo was there to help you.

You groaned, tossing your phone on the cushion next to you. Clicking through channels, not wanting to watch anything. Just stewing in your guilt and annoyance at his attitude. It’s not your fault, you assumed he wouldn’t meet her. He wasn’t an option at the time, and he still wasn’t reliable since he wanted to act like a toddler.

“Kylo,” you called out.

Silence.

“Kylo Ren!”

Again nothing.

You took a deep breath, preparing yourself for the repercussions, “Benjamin Solo, come here!”

There he is.

Kylo whipped down the hall, giving you the nastiest look you’d ever seen. Pointing an accusatory finger in your face, “You’re on thin ice right now!”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

He locked his jaw, looking at the floor, “No.”

“Ben,” you sang, smiling when his head snapped up, even angrier, “Sit down and talk to me.”

Kylo sat down slowly, stiff as a board. Not breaking eye contact with you the entire time, was comical. How hard he was trying to keep a barrier between you both, attempting to show himself as a stone-cold wall of anger. Which he was, but you knew deep down, he was hurt-

“Why haven’t you told her?”

You curled into the pillow next to you. Picking at the fringed edges, “I don’t know.”

“This can’t be healthy for her,” he ran a hand through his hair, “I mean, I don’t know about you, but whenever my parents lied to me it made me trust them less.”

“Well, we aren’t your parents, thank god.”

Kylo glared at you, “That’s not the point. What are we even doing, every single one of those parents could tell who I was. Just by looking at me and her.”

“I know,” your voice was small, glancing up at Kylo for a moment. “I’m just scared.”

“I can’t do this forever, (Y/N).”

“Do what forever…”

He gestured between you both, “This! This lying and hiding everything, she’s going to find out on her own. And that can’t be good-fuck look at me! I turned into a nightmare because of this kind of shit when I was younger.”

You nodded slowly, “She’s just not ready, Kylo.”

“Well, I’m tired of waiting. I don’t want to be your friend for the rest of my life, Nyx doesn’t deserve that.”

“What do you know about taking care of her Kylo? Huh? You’ve been around her twice in the past five years, you don’t have any right to scold me!”

“How would I have seen her in the past five years? We could’ve avoided this entire thing if you weren’t a selfish bitch!”

You gasped, “How fucking dare you call me that!”

“You’re a bitch! You stole my daughter from me, if anyone here is at fault it's you!”

“You didn’t even care!”

Kylo shot off the couch, “Don’t you fucking dare say that,” he towered over you, “I’ve been doing everything you’ve asked me to, all because you feel guilty. And you should, I hope you feel guilty just for waking up and putting me in through this fucking nightmare.”

Silence.

“I hate you.”

You winced, tears ready to spring from your eyes, “Get out.”

He looked just as shocked, tone clipped, “What?”

“Get the fuck out! You heard me! You did when she was born so I’m sure you know what it means! Get the fuck away from me!”

-------

You woke up dazed, the TV was playing softly.

A blanket was tucked into your sides, a pillow under your hips and knee. Keeping it elevated, your water bottle full of ice and lemon wedges sat on the coffee table.

You looked around slowly, sitting up on your elbows to assess the situation. You didn’t fall asleep like this, your full-on migraine reminding you of the screaming match with Kylo.

‘I hate you!’

“Shit,” you fell back onto the couch. Covering your face with your hands, embarrassment coloring your cheeks. He was so angry and betrayed by you again. And instead of trying to talk to him, like a normal human would when, they were upset...

‘I can’t do this forever.’

What were you doing, what was the end goal with Kylo?

To pretend like he was a family friend for the rest of his life, just because you were nervous to admit your lying to Nyx?

Or was Kylo meaning something else, when he meant forever?

You felt your heart rise in your throat, taking wet breaths like you were about to be sick. Twisting your torso quickly to find your phone. Knocking over some of your pillows in the process, it was almost dead.

3:00 PM

“No-fuck,” you cried out, Nyx was getting out of school. And you wouldn’t be there, she was going to be all alone. You had to get there, fighting off tears and grabbing your phone again, desperate to call anyone, even Armitage.

Just as you picked up your phone, Kylo’s name popped up.

“Hello?” you were on the verge of a full breakdown.

“Stop crying, I have Nyx. What do you want for dinner?”

You stayed silent.

“Hi, Mommy!”

“I’m getting pizza since you’re just going to cry.”

And then he hung up.

You sat there dumbfounded, watching as your phone died. Kylo picked her up? You thought he left after you kicked him out and cried yourself to sleep…

Well, might as well try to be useful. Hopping around on your one leg, trying to clean the living room and kitchen as best you could. Kylo wasn’t a good helper in that sense, you knew he had people he hired to do things like this. Which was silly, he was perfectly capable. He just chose to be a baby, having you do mostly everything during your relationship while he worked and provided for you both.

This was so domestic.

Waiting for him to arrive with Nyx, making everything nice and tidy. Fluffing pillows, folding blankets, running the dishwasher, anything a housewife would do. Before you could dwell on it, there was a knock at your front door.

You took a deep breath, wobbling over to it and yanking it open, a quick glimpse in the mirror confirmed your suspicions of your appearance. Face streaked and splotchy, eyes were slightly swollen along with your lips. Hair a mess, you hoped whoever was knocking would go away quickly.

Cracking it open a hair, you groaned immediately, “What are you doing here?”

“Nice to see you too, lovely,”

Armitage pushed past you, rolling his eyes at your cast, “I thought you’d be glad to see me. I am your boyfriend after all.”

You let him push you inside, leaving you standing at the door with it still open like an idiot. He walked into the living room, momentarily looking into the dining room. You had it set up for dinner, even though Kylo was getting pizza. You just didn’t want to eat on the couch again, Armitage continued his inspection. “I don’t hear Rose or her buffoon, can I assume they’re finally gone?”

“Um,” you scrunch your face, “His name is Vicrul, why do you do that? They are helping me because you refused to.”

“I didn’t refuse, your daughter hates me,” he scoffed, “She would rather sabotage our relationship than let us be happy.”

You leaned against a wall in the entryway, arms folded as Armitage went on and on about Nyx hating him. She didn’t hate him, she was just a playful kid. Nyx needed someone to be like that with her, and Armitage was very anti-children. He had told you that during your first date, while drunk you spilled that you had a kid.

Then his attitude changed, especially after sleeping together.

Big mistake.

“Armie, why are you here? We haven’t spoken at all since you stormed out after my surgery and then you ‘popped’ in when Kylo came and now this?”

He cringed at his name, “Kylo, right. Your baby-daddy, who is magically here without you knowing. After spending a week together and getting your brains fucked out by him.”

“That is not what happened.”

“Oh really?” He stepped in front of you, looking down his nose, “So, you just cheated on me? And now he's here to do what?”

You pushed him away with a finger to his chest, “We’ve already been over this, he and I slept together twice. That was it-he was here because Rose invited him.”

“Is he still here?”

You got quiet, looking away from his icy stare.

“Can’t believe this,” he growled, “You’re nothing but an unfaithful whore, everything you told me he was. But you’re just the same-a spiteful bitch, with a little bitch of a child who will grow to be nothing but a whore like her parents!”

“How dare you-”

The front door slammed shut, revealing Kylo. Holding Nyx in one arm and food in the other, face red in anger.

Not at you, but at Armitage, he dropped Nyx softly. She scurried away from everyone, giving him the stink eye before going to her room. Kylo walked towards you both slowly, not once looking away from Armitage.

He set the box down in the dining room, walking back to stand beside you. Arms crossed, tense enough for his muscles to flex obscenely under his shirtsleeves. Kylo took a slow, deep breath, “What was that?”

Armitage scowled, mumbling something under his breath.

Kylo moved in closer, towering over him, “I couldn’t hear you, and you were pretty confident a couple seconds ago. So what did you say-because I heard something earlier that I’m hoping was an accident.”

Still nothing.

The tension thick around you three, waiting for someone to break first.

“So,” Armitage turned to you, “Is he your attack dog now? After years of hating him, he's here to protect you, from someone who loves you?”

You scoffed, “We don’t love each other.”

“Hm.”

“But you love him,” he gestured to Kylo, “Your baby-daddy, just because he fucked you for the first time in almost six years?”

That seemed to be the final thread holding Kylo together, his hand darting out to throttle Armitage's throat. Slamming him against the far wall, hard enough for some paintings to shake from their hooks. “You listen here you little shit,” Kylo pushed harder. Armitage's face turned redder and redder, breath rasping as his mouth popped open. “You do not get to fucking talk about her like that or our daughter. Do you fucking hear me?”

Kylo pulled him back, just to slam him against the wall again. Finally knocking over things, a mirror shattering on the ground. Causing you to scream in fear, Kylo’s head snapped over to you, eyes softening slightly. He turned back to Armitage, “You’re nothing but a spineless little prick, lucky to even be around her and Nyx. I don’t ever want to see you near my family again, or else I’ll fucking kill you.”

He let him go, both of you watching Armitage's body crumple to the floor as he gasped for air. Spitting at Kylo while clutching his throat, “You’re a bloody psychopath! You both are! Assaulting me, and you just let him,” He pointed an accusatory finger at you, “You bitch-”

Kylo kicked him, hard.

“Kylo!” you screamed, hopping over to him to try and tear him away. Wrapping your arms around his torso, beginning to sob into his side. “Please just let him go!”

You felt Kylo’s breathing steady, twisting an arm back to wrap around you. Kylo lifted you off the floor, holding you like he held Nyx earlier. Both of you stared down at Armitage, writhing in pain between shards of glass that littered the floor. You buried your head into the crook of his neck, mortified of everyone's behavior. Praying to the gods that Nyx didn’t hear, hopefully, she was safe back in her room. Ignorant to her father almost killing someone in the hallway, and the venom being spat from your boyfriend.

Ex-Boyfriend.

He stood slowly, brushing broken pieces off his clothing before staring at you. Shifting between Kylos arms holding you and your cheek against his shoulder. With a scoff, he pushed past you both, “I expect you to pay for my medical bills, or else I’m taking you to court.”

“I didn’t break anything,” Kylo hissed, “Would you like me to?”

You thought his eyes were going to pop out, slamming the door as he left.

Kylo stood there, holding you tightly. You slid your hands to the nape of his neck, tugging on the long hairs. “Thank you,” you whispered. Kylo only grunted, stepping over the shattered mirror down the hallway. Setting you gingerly down on your bed, leaving you alone for a few moments. You heard him speaking to Nyx, probably something about staying away from the glass. She came bounding down the hallway, two plates of pizza for you and her.

“Kylo said I can’t play out front right now…”

You gulped back your tears, “I’m sorry baby, there was an accident out there.”

She shrugged, content to curl next to you while she ate. You held her head to your chest, even though she whined that she couldn’t eat. Kissing her hairline as you recounted Armitage's horrible words about her, disgusted in yourself for letting him be around you and your family.

‘I don’t ever want to see you near my family again’

Kylo called you a family.

You bit back more tears, letting Nyx lean off you a little so she could eat. Running your fingers through her long hair as she watched TV. You listened for Kylo, he hadn’t come back into the room yet.

Maybe he left?

Nyx turned to look at you, “Mommy, are you not gonna eat?”

“Oh,” you blinked, “Yeah, I will. Do you think you could go out and grab Mommy her water?”

She sighed dramatically, slinking off the bed in a huff. You listened to her little feet pattering down the hallway, waiting to see if she spied Kylo.

“What are you doing down here, Nyx?”

“Mommy asked for her water.”

“Oh.”

Nyx ran back down, with nothing in her hands. Climbing on the bed without another word, just chowing down on her pizza. You were about to say something to her when Kylo walked in. A plate and two glasses of water in his hand, giving you a tight-lipped smile.

All three of you sat in silence, munching down. Silently handing off your drinks between Nyx and yourselves, she was wedged between your shoulders. Her head moved from Kylo's shoulder to try and eat some of his pizza back to yours to tell you about school. He obliged her, looking down with wide eyes when she ate crust first like a maniac when he fed her. Then snatched his water, but not before offering him some Capri Sun, Kylo kept looking at you with wide eyes. Seeing if you were eating, making comments about you not drinking water, which your daughter echoed like a parrot.

“Okay baby,” you kissed Nyx’s forehead, “Time to take a bath, you can do it in my bathroom.”

She squealed, running off the bed to gather her bath toys and soaps, leaving you and Kylo alone since the incident.

Both of you shifted uncomfortably, trying to keep your bodies from touching. You looked down at your lap, tugging on the hem of your shirt, “I gotta go start it for her.”

“Okay.”

You felt his eyes watching you as you limped to the bathroom, not following you like he usually did.

-------

yes yes YES YES YES ATTACK DOG KYLO

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hanseoxsimp · 3 years

Text

Whispers - Jang Hanseo x Reader

Oneshot, 1k, SFW + gender neutral

A/N: my first time doing a fic on tumblr 😔🤚🏻

His wound was healing faster than the doctors had expected, and Jang Hanseo found out playing dead wasn’t as fun as it seemed in the movies.

He had to deal with watching from afar as Babel Group descended into chaos, without a Chairman or Vice; all his subordinates were at each other’s throats for the seat.

Then he remembered his wish, that he could run the company on his own without the scar of needless death. That he would not run Babel the way his older half brother did.

Through this mental storm, a clearing came in the clouds as Hanseo found the perfect candidate for the next Babel CEO.

“ Me?” You nearly exclaimed, but kept it low for your ex-boss’s sake. You were one of the few who knew that Hanseo was alive, and was not hoping to keep it that way. You wanted him to reveal himself and return to his position of power- but he said he didn’t want anything to do with it anymore. Not after everything that happened to him.

You knew better than to pry into someone’s personal business- especially if they used to be your boss- but something was different about Jang Hanseo.

How he walked like he was always being watched, the way his hands tremble when someone touches him the slightest and how his eyes shine in the smallest of praises.

“ Er- yes, you.” He confirmed, still sitting upright in his hospital bed, his hair a bit messy from tossing and turning in his sleep.

You found out he was alive by accident.

You were visiting your friend who worked in the same hospital to gift them something in advance for their birthday. As you walked past the patient rooms, you spotted the notorious Hong Chayoung you saw in the news. Intrigued, you tailed her until she entered a private luxury room that had no other than Jang Hanseo lying inside.

He screamed as you did as well. Noticing how much of a panic he fell into, you took pity and sympathized with him. Although he was now nothing like the man you had once worked under.

You didn’t know how to reply, and wasn’t sure what was appropriate to ask or say. Sucking in a deep breath, you smiled warmly and gave a curt bow. “ Thank you, Mr. Jang.”

He broke out into a gummy smile, a hand waving away the honorifics. “ It’s Hanseo, I’m not your boss anymore.”

From then on, fabricating a not-so-fake will, you took on Babel Group and started a new era as you reigned profits back in. It was harder than it looked, as you spent restless nights up without a wink of sleep.

Although through all this chaos, you still found time to visit Hanseo time to time, updating him on the company and buying him snacks.

You noticed even if you did the tiniest things- like the first time you brought in a bungeoppang you had purchased from a street vendor outside- his mood would instantly light up, his smile rivaling the brightness of the sun. He acted like you had just eradicated all his debt or something, and as confused as you were, you found it endearing. You had no idea your ex-boss was so, so cute.

Childlike wonder filled his eyes whenever he talked about his Vinny hyung or Chayoung noona, speaking just like how a little boy would ramble on about Superman.

Before you knew it, your heart was racing every time you approached his hospital room; knocking on the door was nerve wracking as you tried to keep your emotions under wraps.

That was, until, he pulled this.

You weren’t able to buy a snack this time around, as your schedule was too tight to even go slightly out of line.

Hanseo could tell you were tired, recalling his old memories as the puppet Chairman. The way you ran your hand through your hair, biting the inside of your cheek as you constantly took in deep sighs.

Months had flown and Hanseo felt so attached to you he decided he would tell the truth about everything. What happened on the night he “died”, how he was so close to that Consigliere and what his past with the late Hanseok was.

His body shivered as he spoke candidly, as if he was reliving the past in this very moment. Suddenly, arms wrapped around his waist, bringing him into a hug. You patted his back softly in a soothing rhythm.

“ You are so strong, Hanseo.” Was the first thing you had whispered to him through his subsiding tears.

Soon those sobs turned to silent cries and those cries faded into hiccups that transformed into an angelic laugh. A weight was released from his shoulders as he absorbed every comforting praise you threw his way.

Later, you had to let go of him, straightening out his blanket until his fingers weaved into a hold to yours.

“ Could- could you, stay? Longer?” He piped up, only to fall into the abyss of another panic. “ A little while! You don’t have to, I mean. I know you’re really busy with the company- which I kind of forced on you to be honest- and I’m so sorry for- mMH!”

Your lips were instinctively drawn to his, as if it lured you in.

Eyes widening in shock, blood rushed to his face as it colored his adorable face red. He melted into the kiss. Placing a hand on your face, he silently begged you to deepen the kiss as his heart pounded loudly in his chest. His heartbeat being the rhythm to the melody your lips had made, hands threading through hair and tunes spiraling out of mouths.

Seconds passed and you both parted for air, panting in the now tense atmosphere. You easily broke the said awkwardness as you whispered:

“ Don’t ever apologize, my prince.”

BONUS:

“ And- and then I got kiSSED!” Hanseo exclaimed to Vincenzo, who smiled warmly at his excited tone and gestures.

“ I’m proud of you, Hanseo.” He said, patting his shoulder as the younger grinned. “ Hopefully I’ll meet this lover of yours soon.” Vincenzo remarked, fiddling with the curtains of the hospital room. Hanseo’s gaze found itself focusing on the engagement ring that his hyung wore. His overactive imagination then wondered how it would be like to propose to you, to place a ring on your finger, to marry you, to-

Snapping out of his trance, he quickly replied. “ Me too, Vinny Hyung.” Not shying away from the lovesick look that had taken over his face, he stared down into his fidgeting hands. “ Prince...” He then mumbled under his breath, not wanting to say it loud enough for anyone else to hear.

This would be his own memory to keep- even from his dear hyung- that you had whispered into his ear, calling him your prince.

✨ the end ✨

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dreamkidddream · 3 years

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Hiya~ Can I request quote 9) "Are you jealous?" for Lucifer in Obey Me! pretty please😊

This was so much fun to write! Luci know that he gets jealous but never wants to admit (his jealousy is worse than Mammon but you didn’t hear it from me 🤭) and sorry this got kinda long! Reader is gender neutral!

TW: suggestive/spicy themes, but nothing extremely graphic is mentioned

Prompt: “Are you jealous?” with Lucifer!

Lucifer is pissed.

He’s tapping his foot, and constantly checking his phone, waiting in his study for you to either walk in or call him. It’s late, and you’re still not home yet. He asked his brothers where exactly you are, and when Asmo told him that you’re out with the same “friend” you seem to blow all of them off for some time now, it just makes his mood turn even more sour, the scowl on his face deepening.

Now, Lucifer is not opposed to you making friends, as long as they aren’t a threat to you, his family, Lord Diavolo and the other exchange students. He understands that it’s very easy for you to connect with others, intentional or not, and he encourages it to a certain extent. However, this same “friend” that you’ve been increasingly been hanging out with for the past couple of weeks is starting to rub him the wrong way. Of course he’s met this “friend”, a classmate from your Seductive Speechcraft class (which just made him feel more unease with you being with them), and they seemed harmless enough (for a demon at least). Annoying, but harmless, at first.

Then began the constant need for your attention.

It started with the messages and calls under the guise of studying, the “innocent” demon begging you for help so that they can pass the class, and you being the naive nice human that you are of course obliged their request. Then it escalated from once a week, to three times a week, to almost staying after school every day just to “help”. He didn’t like that, as it’s him or his brothers that always walk you home every time, and this demon (who he found is Yuki, a demon who feeds off of sexual energy nonetheless), is messing with the routine, but he kept his cool and forced his brothers to do the same. He- They weren’t happy about this, but at the end of the day, you’re still coming home to him- them, and nothing is changing that. Not to mention how he made sure that someone had their eyes on you, whether it’s Mammon, Beel, or even himself (which he preferred).

Until Yuki decided that you need to hang out more, without him or his brothers.

That’s when he made it known of his dislike towards them, and dislike is putting it lightly.

You started to come home right at dinner, right before Beel devoured your plate. Mammon obviously voiced his displeasure aloud, with the others silently agreeing or making passing comments, but Lucifer would just shut the conversation down before anyone gets too upset, mainly for himself. He doesn’t want to lose control over something trivial like this, he can’t, he won’t- he’s well above some minuscule pest like them, and it would be a waste of time and energy to be worried about someone who is clearly below him!

He’s already irritated with Yuki integrating themselves into your everyday life, but he’s also trying to fight the increasing sinking feeling in his stomach the more you both bond.

The more you two become more than acquainted with one another, the more Lucifer tries to fight and hide this feeling. He buries himself in more paperwork, practically locks himself in his study, avoids anyone’s questions or concerns, and has become overall snappier than usual. He’s even snapped on Lord Diavolo, Lord Diavolo of all people!

(Granted Diavolo just thought it was overall stress, so he just simply laughed it off, but it didn’t go unnoticed by everyone, including you).

Now Lucifer is not stupid, he’s a very intelligent and powerful demon, and he doesn’t have to say it to be known. He made sure to do some research himself on Yuki, and didn’t put anything past them. You’re still surrounded by demons who wouldn’t hesitate to swallow you whole if allowed, and some are still desperate enough to try anything, so he’s very cautious with others being around you.

Which leads to now, you being out again with that demon at The Fall. Ever since, Lucifer retired to his study, constantly checking his phone for any updates. He refused to look distressed in front of everyone, and he knows that you’re smart and not so gullible, you’ll be okay, you had to be.

It’s well going on 1 in the morning, and you still haven’t answered any of his calls and texts? You swore that you would always answer him, so something had to happen. What exactly were you doing? What exactly were you two doing? We’re you okay? Are you safe? Has that Yuki tried anything with you?

Were you two doing anything now?

All of these questions swirling around in his head, his worry only adding on to his frustrations and building tension going through his body.

He already marched down to the door, coat forgotten and tie undone, flinging it open and scowl so deep that his fangs were bared. That Yuki better hope that you come home in one piece and spotless, or else he will make sure that they regret being alive-

He couldn’t wipe the surprised look on his face when he made eye contact with you, who was matching his own expression, hand frozen in the air mid knock.

“Lucifer? What are you still doing up? Are you about to go somewhere?” His expression quickly morphed to one of high distaste, the irritation displaying clearly on his face and his grip tightening on the door.

“I was still awake waiting for you. Have you forgotten how to use a phone, or are you too good for one now that you’re with your ‘friend’. And I remember specifically telling you to let me know when you leave, did I not?”

“Oh. Well...my phone kinda died, but I was already on the way home and-”

“By yourself?! Do you know how irresponsible that is? Do you forget that you’re a mere human?”

His irritation is rising to pure anger at this revelation. So that demon didn’t even have the decency to walk you home? To make sure that you arrive safe? And yet you still have the nerve to spend time with them and practically ignore him?!-

“Well- um, Lucifer? Lucifer!”

He snapped out of his murderous thoughts, and stepped aside to let you in.

“Come inside now, it’s late, and we have much to discuss.”

Your face scrunched up, showing confusion in how he’s acting. You know that’s he mad about your phone being dead, but he’s mad enough to leave the door barely hanging on its hinges? But you knew that arguing or pointing it out would just make things escalate, so you just stepped past and began to make your way up the stairs.

You can feel his eyes bore into the back of your head, but you just didn’t understand why. It’s about more than just your phone, it seemed like he’s been on edge for awhile now. You want to approach him, to ask him what’s wrong, to have him open up, but of course Lucifer being Lucifer, it was to no avail.

You racked your brain as he lead you to his room and began the “conversation” about how irresponsible you were being (really it’s just him getting whatever he needed off his chest and not you giving any input). Was it because of you going out so late? No, you didn’t drink, you and Yuki stayed together the whole night, and you let him know hours before. Was it Yuki? Now that you’re think about it, he has been frowning more it seemed like every time you brought up their name-

The pieces are starting to fit together now.

Oh my Diavolo.

You couldn’t stop the words escaping from your mouth before you could realize it.

“Lucifer, are you jealous?”

He choked in the middle of his sentence, and the room went quiet. You’re pretty sure that you can’t even hear him breathing, and his face just went entirely blank, no expression whatsoever.

Oh no, you broke him-

A gust of wind erupted, so strong that you had to shield your eyes for a second, and when you removed your arm, you were met with massive black wings and a very enraged demon.

“Excuse me?”

You stepped back until you stumbled onto the bed, as he stalks closer and closer to you.

“Care to repeat yourself?”

You knew better than to respond, and you felt frozen on the bed. You also know that Lucifer won’t attack or try to kill you, but it didn’t take away from the fact that he has moments where he’s very intimidating, one of those moments being now.

He’s looking down at you like a predator would to its captured prey, his ruby eyes glowing deviously in the dim room. He didn’t stop moving until he was on top of you, caging you in.

“Me? Jealous?” He scoffed. “I am the Avatar of Pride, the most powerful being in this house, yet you assume that I’m jealous of a demon that’s beneath me? You insult me, MC.”

He took hold of your chin, “Do you not remember what I said when we made the pact? You are mine and mine alone. Not anyone else’s, but mine.”

You felt like your nerves were getting the best of you, but you couldn’t force yourself to tear away as he leaned closer. He sealed his lips against yours in a heated kiss, one that you gladly accepted, not before uttering the words that made your heart race even faster.

“Maybe I should remind you of who you belong to, hm?”

—-

“Had a fun night, MC?”

“Yeah, it was”, you coughed in your hand. “Very nice, very fun. We had a great time.”

“Hmmmmm...you and Yuki or you and Lucifer?”

“Asmo!”

He giggled, “I’m just saying dear. I don’t sense the pent-up sexual frustration from Lucifer anymore, and he seems back to normal and even relaxed. Though I must say MC, I wish that you had spent the night in my bed instead.”

“Of course you do Asmo.”

“Besides, I would have covered your hickeys much better-”

“ASMO-”

“MC, are you ready?”

Speak of the devil and he shall appear has never been more true than now, as Lucifer appeared behind you both, placing his hand on your shoulder.

“Huh? Oh, yes, sorry.”

“Eh? Where are you two going?”

“Out.”

“And without me?!”

“Yes. Now, leave us be”. Lucifer moved his hand from your shoulder to your own hand, leading you both out the door. You two had plans for the day after the...eye-opening talk from last night, and he didn’t want to waste anymore time than he already had.

Bonus:

Asmo waited until he heard the door click, and then quickly whipped out his D.D.D. to text Yuki. He knew that the plan was going to be a success! A tense Lucifer made things more difficult for everyone, and he has too much pride to open his mouth so he decided to step in and team up with Yuki, who already knew about the whole ordeal.

Lucifer was already on the edge of snapping and letting his primal instincts take over anyway, so Asmo just gave him a little push in the right direction.

Thank Diavolo the plan worked, or else it would be hell for them both. He did owe Yuki some exposure on his socials in exchange for this and backing off of you now, but it was well worth the trouble.

#obey me x reader #obey me reader insert #obey me Lucifer #obey me lucifer x reader #Lucifer x reader #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me swd #obey me!#om! lucifer #OM! Lucifer x reader #dream’s 100 + 200 followers prompt special 💙

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