#my side of the system holds so much of the ADHD trauma

[reimeichan]

I was diagnosed with severe combined type ADHD well into my adulthood. The many years of undiagnosed ADHD has a major source of my trauma, and I hate it so much.

I know a lot of people think of ADHD as a silly, quirky disorder. Someone with ADHD has trouble sitting still, has focus issues, has short term memory problems, etc. None of this sounds like anything so bad on the surface.

What people often don't see is... how people like me are treated.

(tw child abuse ahead)

Growing up, I was often punished and berated for things that "normal" kids could handle. I constantly forgot my homework, couldn't get the executive functioning to start on projects until the last minute, would be so hyperfocused in a book that I would miss dinner, be unable to sit still long enough to practice piano, etc. And each time that happened, I would be punished for it. Hit, spanked, yelled at, grounded, belongings destroyed... it was constant, daily punishment. It felt like I could do nothing right. Pretty much all of my punishable actions could be tied in some way to my undiagnosed ADHD.

It was genuinely awful and I have a lifetime of trauma from that. I'm scared of even shaking my foot when I'm by myself in my own room, I feel guilty for spending any amount of time reading or playing video games. I beat myself up for my lack of executive functioning. And my parents never, ever tried to help me learn those skills. All they did was try to beat those "habits" and beat the "laziness" out of me. And tell me that "all kids experience that, you're just making excuses" (I now know that ADHD is often found within the same family, and I highly suspect at least one of my parents to have it as well to the point they normalized their own experiences).

I can genuinely say that many of my mental health disorders (the DID, the depression, the anxiety, the suspected NPD, and anything else I've missed) can all be tied back to my undiagnosed and unmanaged ADHD, and all the trauma that came with that. Hell, even into adulthood, I struggle more with my ADHD symptoms than I do with anything else. If anything, the other things just further exacerbate my ADHD struggles. It genuinely sucks.

This isn't to say I find all aspects of my ADHD bad. I genuinely enjoy the hyperfocus (when it's hyperfocus on something I actually want to hyperfocus on). I think the way my brain jumps from topic to topic, connection to connection, has made me more creative than many of the people around me. And it's very much a part of me that makes me kind of uniquely "me". But also... I know it's such a big part of my trauma history that to try to paint it as this positive thing in my life would be a lie.

But yeah. I wish we talked more about how traumatizing living with ADHD is.

#trauma #adhd #mental health #actuallyadhd #actually adhd #tw child abuse #ask to tag #by purple #wow a serious post by purple for once? #it's more likely than you think #my side of the system holds so much of the ADHD trauma #and my side also expresses the ADHD symptoms most severely #I also had a bit of help from Gray to make this post so #by gray

[overdramaticpanromantic]

why do people think endogenic systems aren't real?

disclaimer: i am not a system nor am i part of one, and i am not able to speak for those who are. this is an opinion, and i would like constructive feedback on said opinion. i do not want hate mail or people screaming at me, i have had enough of that this week.

i do not get why people think endogenic systems aren't real. the argument i see most is that if it's not based on trauma (i.e. traumagenic) then it's not real, but i disagree.

firstly, many mental conditions can arise from non-traumatic experiences, and trauma is not a necessary catalyst for these things. i'm autistic, though i can't speak for others (because my support needs are very low) as a result of how i was raised, but not in a traumatic way. i've asked around a bit about this, and it seems that part can be agreed upon, in that mental conditions do not have to result from trauma.

secondly, i have not noticed any differences, aside from trauma or lack thereof, when speaking to those who are a system or part of a system. i cannot know what is going on in other people's heads, but i can look at how people generally act, and i do not notice any difference, though the sample size is low (about 5) so this could be coincidence. i might ask in passing conversation, "how does being a system work?" out of curiosity. they explain, and the explanations from traumagenic and endogenic systems, or members of said systems, are fairly uniform and don't seem to contrast very much, aside from individual mannerisms such as how it may present itself, which is bound to be subjective for any mental condition.

thirdly, i don't like the logic the argument as a whole operates on. if non-traumagenic systems aren't real, isn't that similar to the argument wherein people say non-dysphoric trans people aren't real, or that self-diagnosed neurodivergencies (e.g. autism, adhd, bpd, tourette's, dyslexia, and others as well, but i can't list a ton of them off the top of my head) aren't real. this is medical essentialist, or medicalist, logic, and it doesn't hold up very well under pressure. it frequently takes the form of when someone doesn't want to acknowledge that not everyone is like them, and most commonly presents itself in those who are bigoted in other ways, such as racism.

fourthly, when conversing about it, the reactions i get from either type of person are very different (sample size of about 40 here, so again, it's not entirely conclusive) if i ask someone who's anti-endogenic about it (what the point of the argument is, for instance), i am met with hostility and yelling, whilst if i ask someone who is pro-endogenic about it, i am met with straightforward explanations and my questions being answered. ultimately, it isn't one's duty to answer questions for others, but if one side of a debate refuses to answer questions and another is able to answer questions, then typically, the side refusing to answer questions is wrong. for example, flat-earthers will refuse to argue a lot of the time, and other times, they will mention various buzzphrases such as "water finds its level," and "density and buoyancy," which is a phenomenon i have noticed coming from some (but few) anti-endogenics.

that's what i've gathered from my observations, and i wanted to share this for the reason that i want to understand more, and particularly why some people think the things they do - in that they don't believe a particular group of people exists. to cap it off, i'll attach a poll below, asking what people think regarding this.

if you want to help the poll get more entries, then you can reblog this post or share it with friends. thank you for reading!

#endogenic #traumagenic #did #looking for answers #syscourse

[bowl-of-shortness]

I think learning that I have ADHD and DID, among other things, was probably the most comforting thing for me.

ADHD was a major revelation for me. I had only seen what little representation of adhd on tv, and it was only portrayed as hyperactive. I never knew until I researched that there was a second kind, let alone a third. So I figured I didn’t have it.

But it was so relieving for me when someone did point out that I did.

All my life I had always thought that I was the problem, that I was doing something wrong, and that it wasn’t how I functioned. Everything was always “vix being vix again”.

I hated being emotional, I hated being easily distracted, I hated everything that I did that was considered “weird”, but I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t stop doing those things. Everyone else seemed to be able to stop doing those things, except me.

I always thought that there was something wrong with me. That I was a problem and that I needed punishment for a lot of things I did. I don’t think I’ll ever regret anything more than agreeing with parents for punishing and screaming at me when I did something wrong. When I was literally just being me

But I also realized that things I did (e.g. lying, staying off to side in social situations, avoiding conflict, etc.) I did out of fear, out of trauma. Because I had to do this stuff to keep myself safe. Because at least if I could hold off my parents screaming at me then I would be ok for at least that day. I wasn’t being a bad child, I was surviving in the only way I knew how to.

But I never realized this, because I had it in my mind that I deserved it all. Why? Well because my abuse isn’t physical or verbal. It’s emotional abuse and neglect. Two of the most under talked about forms of abuse out there.

Do you know how many times I was told “you have a good home, at least your parents don’t do x”? I was told this by several friends, by adults, even by my own parents. There was always someone who had it worse. Always. So I learned to put myself last and to worry about everyone else.

When I found out I had DID, I wasn’t afraid surprisingly. It was such a relief, even though I don’t wish the emotional abuse, neglect, and trauma on anyone, it was nice to know I wasn’t alone. That I had someone.

Learning who my alters are and sympathizing with them and accepting them as a part of my life came so naturally to me, maybe I was just that lonely, maybe it was me trusting people too easily, or maybe a part of me knew something was different.

I have a great support system atm, getting involved in the RWBY community, and more specifically the Ozpin and Oscar communities here on tumblr was probably the best decision I’ve ever made. I have met some of the coolest people I know because of this place.

I just wish that someone had told me that none of this stuff was my fault sooner. But at the same time, if it weren’t for my online friends, I probably would’ve never known.

Tbh, I’m not too much of a believer that things happen for a reason, but I met these goofy fuckers for a goddamn reason. Someone is up there looking out for me I guess.

#adhd #dissociative identity disorder #alchemy brews

[king-ofthe-ruckus]

I was wondering:

Do you think Jeremiah and Jerome would use tumblr? And how would there blogs be called and what would they look like (what posts, popular, self-created posts or just reblog, with comments, etc.)?

Idk, this question is random, but somehow i can't get it out of my head.

[ 2/2 : It's me again, that person who asked what the twins tumblr blogs would look like lmao: I thought:- jeremiah would probably post/reblog murder cases or science things- but i don't know what jerome would do ]

Okay, I love this idea so much, because, Jerome is without a doubt in my mind, on the weirdest side of tumblr, he’s one of those people that have the strangest made up stories, and odd quotes, he’s probably used in a lot of incorrect quotes. And just, he’s one of those oddly presence people despite no one knowing literally anything true about him. It’s just know that he probably has a friend named Jonathan, and a consistent, but probably made up friend named Jervis [ because he always ends up in fakest sounding stories ]

So now that I got that out of the way, I think the people Jerome would follow would be a lot of miscellaneous blogs, like ones that post tiktoks and other that are just strange [ think @thatsbelievable ] and probably a lot of meme blogs. he probably follows a few trauma recovery-centric blogs, because, as much as he hates to admit it, the random quotes telling him he’s worth something just makes him smile, and sometimes he really needs that his tumblr would probably have the generic background and a selfie of him and jonathan. He reblogs/post in spams between the hours of 3am-7am before going silent for a few days then usually comes back with a wild story of “”“finding his long lost twin”“” His tags are all over the place. No version of coherency on this blog, but he has several side blogs [ one for anarchy posts [politics], one for venting because he doesn’t like putting non-funny things on main, and then one for his art, because i really like the idea of Jerome having some artistic talent [ i really like him being a make up artist and making these really fun designs ] that side blog also has some photos of Jonathan’s hair that he braid and added sparkles to. ] Jerome just gives of a lot of chaotic energy, but if you ever see him interacting with his mutuals [ which he defines as people who he follows and follows him back and they continuously have good interactions on each other posts and you can see he puts a lot of energy and work into and actually cares about his online presence. And since i personally think of him as having ADHD, i think he definitely hyperfixates on his tumblr, which is why i almost debated him having a background image, but i really think he just likes he default red brick cartoonish background. ]

Jeremiah actually has a really large following as well because he got tumblr hold himself accountable for his studying when he was younger, and it also gave him good inspiration, so he’s heavily involved in studyblr, probably follows a lot of recovery-centric blogs, and this is just a personal headcanon of mine, but i believe that he has a bad relationship with food, and so he follow disordered eating blogs as well. His notes are extremely minimalistic, and he post blurbs for himself of what he read, enjoyed eating, and studied that day. He’s always extremely careful of what he puts in there so no one could figure out any personal information, and he is very good about tagging. A very good easy to understand system in place. He doesn’t follow that many people [ between 30 - 50, he consistently go through who he follows to unfollow them if they a.) change their content b.) are in active or c.) finds himself no longer enjoying their content ]. His blog is actually surprisingly aesthetically pleasing. His profile picture is a light photo, maybe of a piece of notes and pencils/pens he’s using and square that lines up with the blueprints he has a background. His bio is bare but concise [ “engineering studyblr. studying for undergrad/grad/whatever applies. tags.“ [ and the tags connects to a master list post of his organized tags: his own notes [#mine.], reblogged notes [#study me. and by the #[subject like STEM, arts, etc,.]], studying tips [#tictacs], quotes [#words], photos [#a thousand words], and then on for non-study related thing, like the true crime [ #tw murder ], and science, i see him really enjoying space and psychology, so he follows studyblr of those, but random facts are tagged under [ #scifi ]. I personally don’t imagine him having any side blogs, just because i don’t imagine him really enjoying social media beyond it being a way to focus his energy on something that he has a hard time focusing on, and serving as a distraction whenever he needs it, but he prefers mazes as distractions, or creating dream buildings and combining his favorite architectural types [ i saw this one like eco-brutalism i think it was called, i don’t know it was like a forest over took a city, but a safe and controlled way, i can’t think of the correct name, and i probably saw it on pinterest ] and i pretend like his idiotic idea of living in the forest with he idiotically sized bunker [ @alexanderwesker was talking about it in Discord [ they may have posted it to, if so i’ll link it, but it’s late and i’m tired ] and honestly, the bunker, it’s- it’s so bad, so now i’m pretending like it’s an intentional choice, to some extent XD ]

#also the makeup artost jerome is a relatovely new idea so if you don't like it i #m soryy but the idea of jerome using the skill he learned at tyhe circus and making them something he can enjoy is just really cool to me #and i just love that idea so so much and he would also like a lot of make up stim boards and the micah powder shiny slime stims too #i'm sorry this is so disorganized i've been pretty scatterbrained these past few weeks so i'll probably try to find some photos of that #architecture stuff or whatever #[ do you know how many times i misspelt that words?? #so many. ] #but anyways i hope this was coherent enough to make sense or whatever if not you're welcome to send more ask :> #kotr #chandler responds #jeremiah valeska #jerome valeska #modern au #tumblr au

[newtafterdark]

Taste of Metal - Chapter 12: Turning up the Volume -  [AO3 LINK]

The song Gordon is singing in this chapter is "I Hate to Dance" by Mustasch! Click here to listen to it!

PS: The alternative title for this chapter: "Gordon Goes Apeshit In A Healthy Way!! YEAH!! >:D"

- - - It was always something else to hear how your voice sounded like to everyone but yourself.

Gordon had been used to it for a long time, mostly thanks to the years he recorded music with his band, but seeing his new friends react to his recorded songs made him pause a bit in thought.

When he and Newton had founded “Black Velvet Rabbits” together, both of their voices were still in the middle of their second puberty. Uneven, scratchy at times… and by far not as resilient as they wanted them to be.

That didn’t mean it stopped either of them from putting their heart and soul into every song they played. It made their first few tapes rough to listen to, but Gordon felt a huge amount of fondness for them regardless. 

All their frustration with their lives, the school system, society, their bodies, their struggles with ADHD and BPD respectively-  it all went into their music. 

It was the sound of desperately struggling youths doing anything they could in their limited power to be heard.

Gordon was well aware that some of their former bandmates thought back to BVR and rolled their eyes at their gigs and “rockstar dreams”. He himself though? He was proud. Both of himself and Newton.  Proud of having this tangible proof that they got through one of the hardest times of their lives together, doing something that they had put together with no outside help, with no overbearing parental figures forcing them to succeed. They created music because it was the one thing they had complete control over… and it had been absolutely intoxicating and freeing at the same time. 

Even now, as their old recordings played in the background, Gordon found himself gently swaying side to side to the tempo of the tune, humming softly along as he was sorting through the remaining contents of the boxes on the floor.

He looked up from his spot, smiling fondly at Bubby letting out a cry of joy when he recognized another classic rock song that BVR had recorded a cover of. 

“Your band might sound like absolute ass but at least they had taste!”, he exclaimed, drumming happily along to the beat on the floor beside Gordon.

“Yeah… our sound quality wasn’t the greatest until… 2014, I think? ”, Gordon pondered out loud. “You’ll notice the change instantly though! Around that time we also actually figured out in which direction we wanted to take our style as well. Took us a while, I know, but… good things take time!”

Speaking of good things taking time- the construction of the pocket dimension within the storage closet seemed to be going nice and steady by the looks of it. 

Every time the doors opened and Tommy stepped out to take a small break, Gordon couldn’t help trying to catch a glimpse inside, which kept earning him a loud “NO PEAKING!” from Tommy- only for him to hear it echoed by Dr Coomer, Benrey and Joshua seconds later.

When eventually each member of the Science Team joined Tommy to help out with the closet, Gordon let himself be focused on his sorting task, Sunkist laying beside him as his only company for the time being. 

“Guess it’s only the two of us for a bit, huh?”, he said, giving the huge dog a few loving pats on her side. Sunkist let out an affirmative woof and rested her head on Gordon’s thigh, earning a smile from Gordon. 

He resumed swaying along to a new tune starting to play on the stereo, now allowing himself to add a few more subtle movements as well. 

He found himself nodding along to the rhythm, his long wavy hair swaying in a way it hadn’t in a very long time.

As the side of his right foot began to gently tap against the floor as well, Sunkist got up and pushed her head against Gordon’s shoulder. 

Gordon stared at her for a moment, unsure of what she expected him to do, but as the golden retriever started to gently dig into the carpet surprisingly in tune with the beat, something clicked in Gordon’s head.

He scrambled to get up on his feet, laughed as Sunkist let out a happy bark and started running excited circles around him when he started tapping his foot again.

It had been a while… but no one was in the room right now to judge him. And Sunkist, being the perfect and most supportive dog, would never make him feel guilty about any of this.

He looked down to his tapping feet, his hand closed into a fist as he assembles the old courage and opened his mouth-

“♫ I ain't a boring barfly…so please don't get me wrong, oh- Come on! Yeah, come on! I've been saying this for. Far. Too. LooooOOOONG!! ♪”

Gordon felt himself smile as he raised his voice, mirroring the energy of the younger version of it coming from the speakers.

As he moved his hips and head in rhythm to the beat of the tune, he leaned down towards Sunkist and decided at the moment that, hey, she might be the best audience he had in years - might as well sing for the best girl!

She positively bounced excitedly around Gordon’s feet as the man himself started to jump along with her and the music-

“♪ I haaaate to disappoint you! I'm not the guy you need- so, feel freeee! You can leeeeave! ‘Cause I'll nEVER SWING LIKE A MONKEY FROM. THE. TREEEEES! ♫”

Sunkist let out a loud approving bark at the sound of Gordon letting himself be loud, but this time fully because of joy, nothing like the pained and frustrated yelling he had done all throughout the simulation.

This was how Gordon was supposed to sound like. Loud, happy and confident-

“♪ It’s of great importance! This is what yOU. ALL. SHOULD. DOOOOO- ♫”

The possibility of complaining neighbours be damned, Gordon rushed over to this stereo and turned the volume significantly up, still mindful of Sunkist being in the room with him. No matter how perfect Tommy made her, Gordon really didn’t want to accidentally hurt her hearing.

He returned to moving around the living room, his steps becoming confident stomping as he basically had Sunkist follow his path between the furniture at this point. He ran his hand through his hair, letting the majority of it fall over the right side of his head, showing off the remainder of his undercut on the left in the process-

“♫ BANG YOUR HEAD CLEAN OFF, JUST DO IT!! STOMP YOUR FEET AND CLAP YOUR H-HANDS-!! ♪”

He roughly brushed away a barely formed tear from his right eye, opting to stomp his feet in place of clapping his hands to the beat. He wouldn’t let his pain and trauma cut this moment short. Singing had been his outlet for all his frustrations before, why shouldn’t he try and find out if it would still hold up with the new struggles he was facing?

“♫ I AM A HEAVY METAL GROOVER! - BANG YOUR HEAD ‘CAUSE I HATE TO DANCE! BANG YOUR HEAD ‘CAUSE I HATE TO DANCE! ♪”

Sunkist affectionately pressed herself against Gordon’s side, sensing the man’s wild mix of emotions running through his head. Gordon opted to give Sunkist’s back a pat to assure her that he was doing okay. That he needed to do this. To let this all out. 

He took a deep breath-

“♪ So take me away from the dance floor- Nemo saltat sobrius - Well, that's right... fucking right. I've been telling you for far too looooooOOOONG! ♫”

He closed his eyes, his focus now only on putting as much emphasis on the words as he could. As he used to. As Gordon Martini Freeman of the “Black Velvet Rabbits” had been known for.

“♫ I haaaate to disappoint you! But I'm not the guy you need- You can leeeeave, ‘cause to meee- DISCO. DIED. IN. 1983!! ♪”

He spread his arms, his head slightly falling back and his hair following suit… and he could almost feel the comforting heat of spotlights on his skin once more-

“♪ It’s of great importance! This is what yOU. ALL. SHOULD. DOOOOO!- ♫”

He bent back forward, letting himself go off into a poorly executed guitar solo as he headbanged to the beat, his hair flying back and forth, side to side-

“♫ BANG YOUR HEAD CLEAN OFF, JUST DO IT!! STOMP YOUR FEET AND CLAP YOUR HANDS-!!  I AM A HEAVY METAL GROOVER! - BANG YOUR HEAD ‘CAUSE I HATE TO DANCE! BANG YOUR HEAD ‘CAUSE I HATE TO DANCE! - BANG THE HEAD THAT DOESN’T BANG!!~ ♪”

Gordon stood there for a moment, out of breath, hair wild and messy, chest heaving and eyes blown wide. He was only pulled back into reality from his post-rockout brain by Sunkist jumping up on him and licking his face-

“Hahaha!! Yeah, this was fun, wasn’t it, big girl?! Thanks for the encouragement, Sunkist. I mean it. I… really needed that.”

He hugged her close before gently letting her get back on all fours, smiling as she let out a soft bark and pressed herself against his side once more, her tail wagging happily-

“Well, I’ll be damned. Sounds like you don’t sound like ass anymore after all!”

Gordon spun around, instantly locking eyes with Bubby, who was leaning against the frame of the closet, arms crossed and a smug smile on his face.

“H-How much of that did you-”

“I heard enough to know that my eardrums can stand the sound of it.”, Bubby answered, “You don’t sound half bad. Obviously out of practice, but… not awful.”

Gordon scratched the back of his neck, trying to process the rare compliment coming from the older scientist.

“Uh… thanks? A-ANYWAY- how’s the pocket dimension going?”, he quickly added to move the topic elsewhere.

Bubby rolled his eyes at Gordon's obvious deflection.

“It could go way faster in my opinion! But the hallway and the basic rooms are stable now. I won’t invite you in without the others agreeing on it too, but… it’s nice. Having your own space to do with as you please, as barren as it might be at the moment-”

In the time Bubby had spoken, Gordon had walked over to him, now resting his hand on the smaller man’s shoulder.

“Hey, I might not have the biggest savings, but that won’t stop me from helping you guys find stuff for your space, okay? I know a few places we could visit sometime this week! But… first I do want to go shopping with you all to let you pick stuff for your wardrobes!”

Bubby stared up to him, a slightly startled look on his face.

“You’ll… let us… pick?”

Gordon smiled softly, hoping it looked reassuring.

“Of course! As long as you all don’t get me into the reds with your purchases, you are free to pick as many things as you want, now that you all have your own space. Honestly… go wild! Did- Do you think I’d limit you? Bubby, you guys are my friends! If anything, I wholeheartedly encourage you to get lost for hours in the nearby thrift stores and find your own style- HURGH!-

Gordon found himself pulled into a tight hug- which only lasted for two seconds.

As Bubby pulled back, he looked away, brows furrowed.

“Thanks. You- you don’t get how much this means to- ...thank you, Gordon.”

“You’re welcome. Uh… should I go get us some food for when you guys are done or-”

“GOD! YES! Fuck off before this moment gets even more awkward!”, Bubby exclaimed with frustration, a hint of a smile tugging on the edge of his mouth.

Gordon threw up his hand in mock defence, not even trying to hide his grin.

#hlvrai #hlvrai gordon #hlvrai bubby #hlvrai sunkist #metalhead gordon au #fanfic #fanfics #rocking out to metal is one of the healthiest coping mechanisms #also absolutely ALL COMFORT STIMMING

[a-stitch-in-time-and-space]

Headcanon: Julian Bashir is autistic and has frequent sensory overload, and the only two people who can help him are Garek and O’ Brien. Me? Projecting? It’s more likely than you think!!!

Ha, moooood. Which on that note I have a somewhat intense fic here in which Julian has a meltdown. It’s not related to sensory issues so much as “oh boy a lot of shit’s happened to him” but if you want more O'Brien helping him out after this – so because we gave that fic to O'Brien, let’s give this one to Garak.

Also can we talk about the fact that it’s canon that Julian and the other augments can hear sounds at decibels that non-augments can’t and that it causes them pain, but Julian just taught himself to not react, like fuck, how did someone write this and not follow through on Julian-Bashir-is-autistic-and-or-otherwise-nd!

sorry for taking so long, a. this got a bit longish so it’s under a cut and b. I got distracted by the fact that I always want to see everyone’s notes on reblogs in case of interesting discussion points and i have just now learnt that that cannot be done easily if a lot of people reblog at once… oh hyper-fixation how you get me time and again

this takes place post-Doctor Bashir I Presume and alludes to the fact that during this time Garak and Bashir’s interactions were gradually stripped away in the show (because it too gay) - Andy Robinson ran with that in A Stitch In Time and had Garak write about how much he regretted the two of them not remaining close/hinted that he was in love with him… so take that background as you will.

—— More Space ——-

Thank goodness, he thought after an indeterminate amount of time. O'Brien was here. He would be able to calm him down, he would know how to come up with some soothing description of exactly which of DS9’s pistons or pipes or programs was currently making that noise and he’d either fix it or stay with him until it sorted itself out. Or maybe the noise was gone and the residual whining was just himself recreating it perfectly in his head, or maybe he was just too far gone by now for it to matter, but O'Brien would help. Since the two of them had become friends and some of Julian’s old ticks had returned after his augmentation had come to light, Miles had been a surprisingly steady presence in his life.

“Doctor?”

No, not Miles.

Garak.

He couldn’t make himself respond. His body felt like it was compressing him into a vice, with all his ability to focus somehow splintered into a million shards, each of them painful to the touch. Oh no, what if Garak touched him? If Garak touched him right now he might shatter or scream or something else entirely outside of his control, but talking was also impossible right now, so he couldn’t ask him not to touch, please don’t touch-

Garak sat down in front of him, far enough away that it didn’t feel like too… much.

“Doctor. You don’t need to say or do anything.”

He could manage that.

“I was wondering why you’d missed our lunch date. Very pleased to find you didn’t simply opt not to come without telling me, although I find the alternative to be distressing.”  He stopped talking for a moment then. “Apologies for breaking into your room. Again.”

While Garak simply sat and occasionally spoke Julian was dimly aware of the fact that he could feel his edges hardening again. The shards were being pulled back together.

He also noticed now that he was freezing. It usually happened like that, having sat sedentary for however long or coming down from some emotional extreme. He shivered.

“This station is cold,” said Garak.“The temperature, the lights, the people… all too cold.”

Julian managed a smile and it was like his mouth was freed from a curse. “It is, isn’t it.”

“Not to mention loud,” Garak added.

“All that machinery,” Julian nodded and spoke slowly. His mouth still needed to unstick. “Every time an alarm goes it’s like a sharp pain… I used to be… much better at this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I used to… I used to get these all the time as a child. Meltdowns, shutdowns, I think. But then my parents told me later that it was a side-effect of the augmentations and I tried to… to will myself to stop them, to bypass my natural instincts in order to not be found out and it worked, in a way, or at least nobody found out. I familiarised myself with and categorised any sights, sounds, smells, feelings I came across on earth during my Starfleet training and ordered them into lists and sublists: What I could handle mostly, what I could handle sometimes, what I needed to avoid at all costs. I managed to… to pretend. And then I came to Deep Space Nine and for awhile it was all too much again, I had to make new lists, but I managed, I really… I really did, I really did, I really-” he was talking himself into hyperventilating again, he knew this, but he couldn’t stop now, “- and then I got captured and it was like everything just stopped. I barely- I don’t even remember most of it, but when I got back it was so much worse -”

“Julian,” said Garak and the sound of his first name coming from Garak’s mouth surprised him back to the now. “Julian,” said Garak again. “You’re here. With me. On a floor that is quite cold, I might add.”

Julian breathed out and mumbled under the exhale. “One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.”

“What is that,” asked Garak.

“Counting my fingers. It… helps.”

“Noted,” and the easy way in which Garak seemed to have just accepted that he would be helping Julian again in future was another shock to his system, but then why wouldn’t he? Even if they hadn’t met up as often as they used to. Even if he was untrustworthy at heart and Julian could never figure out why Garak wanted his company at all. He found he missed Garak’s simple and complicated nature. It grounded him, somehow.

He got up off the floor, reaching out for Garak when he stumbled. He held him just tight enough to make sure that he wouldn’t fall. Not overcrowding – Julian suddenly remembered that Garak was claustrophobic. He must know how easily sensory inputs could become too much.

At Garak’s questioningly soft hold on his arm, Julian nodded and he helped him to the sofa. “Would you like some water?”

Julian nodded. As Garak went to fetch it, he began to talk again. Somehow… he just needed to get it out now, like an excision. “After the truth came out my mother told me that they’d been lying. I mean, they’ve been lying about so much, but specifically about this. I’ve always been like this. Or. Some of it. The meltdowns. I thought… those memories weren’t real. But now they are? Some of them. I’m having trouble sorting them.”

Garak handed him the water.

“I developed a theory,” said Julian, forgetting to sip.

“Tell me your theory doctor,” said Garak, his tone of voice tender as he sat down beside him, again, close enough if he needed him, but not too close.

“I was wondering why a heightened inability to process inputs was a side-effect of the vast majority of augments, when I had this inability before my augmentation. I started to suspect that it was less to do with the augmentations and was simply… who we were. The augmentations gone wrong could throw that into extremes, but that may have more to do with medical trauma responses than… anyway, I can’t confirm until I have more data. I did research into my own developmental delays, the medical history – it’s fascinating how we repeat cycles actually, first it was considered a form of possession or changelings, then it began to be classed under a broad form of what would be known as schizophrenia, then divided into narrow and still somewhat inaccurate categories of autism, aspergers, adhd, add, high and low functioning etcera, and then was gradually broadened again under general brain-differences known as neuroatypicals or neurodiverse,” he took a breath and continued: “- I’m not too interested in 21st century history honestly, but I know the government upheavals affected medical classifications and concepts of what was known broadly as “disabilities” at the time, and that it fundamentally shifted again once we formed the federation. But then -” and here he started gesticulating widely in excitement or outrage - “it all becomes the same just repackaged, doesn’t? Stigma against augments who are overwhelmingly people like me is stigma against neurodiversity is stigma against the “possessed,” it’s…” he trailed off. “It’s all the same,” he finished lamely.

He’d become very aware suddenly that he’d done that thing that annoyed most of the people he ever conversed with, running his mouth while forgetting the other person. But Garak didn’t seem annoyed. He was listening intently, in fact. At the pause he even nodded and offered: “The history of such matters is different on Cardassia. Or rather, mental and developmental differences don’t get acknowledged on Cardassia.”

“Eugenics?” said Julian with a frown.

“Not as such. We don’t mind in theory, as long as everyone can perform the tasks they’re assigned to. It’s a… class thing. If you belong to a powerful family and are expected to do great things in the army or politics or the sciences, being unable to do so for any reason is usually – what is the term humans use? - “Swept under the rug.” But then someone like you, dear doctor, if you had been Cardassian it might surprisingly have been easier for you.”

Julian shook his head. “My abilities are due to my augmentations. I’d have been… I don’t know. Not me,” he said softly.

At that, Garak gave him a look that he couldn’t pin down. Something… surprised for a moment, almost? Then smoothed out into an enigmatic smile. “Perhaps. From what you tell me you’ve always processed like you do, you’ve just been given better tools to translate and more…” he searched for the word for a second, before landing on: “space.”

At that Julian burst out into an unexpected laugh. “I certainly have enough space out here. More than enough, I’d say.”

Garak’s smile deepened. “But it doesn’t matter. Either you were always going to be able to pursue medicine and the stigmas of your parents and surrounding society were preventing you from discovering that on your own, or your augmentations made you unlock new abilities. But on Cardassia someone with the kind of passion you possess would have done well, with or without them.”

“If I were born into the right class. And if I didn’t get arrested for being fundamentally against the militaristic state.”

“Naturally,” acceded Garak. “And I must say I’m quite relieved to find the incorruptible, perfect federation comes with its own flaws. One wouldn’t have expected it with the way humans constantly go on about it.”

“Oh, we go on about the federation? According to you Cardassia is superior in culture -”

“- oh, definitely -”

“- politics -”

“- without a doubt, my dear -”

“- criminal justice system?”

“- well, we’ve never brought a wrong case before the court-”

“- I know you’re just saying that to rile me up-”

“- my dear doctor, when have I ever been anything but sincere?”

“- when have you ever said anything you meant?”

“- I am offended, truly-” said Garak with a big grin on his face.

Julian found it the easiest thing in the galaxy to return.

“Remember to drink your water,” he was reminded, gently, before they continued their lunch discussion. It was a moment in which they both forgot that they had ever begun to drift apart in the first place.

—— The End ——-

#Julian Bashir #Elim Garak #ds9 #st: ds9 #star trek #fanfic #writing

[des-draws]

it's officially July but I'm still on pride mode!!! can't stop won't stop

Here are my lgbt+/queer hcs for class 1(g)A(y)!!! Here's what they are in case you don't recognize all of the flags (bc let's be real before I started coloring this I wouldn't recognize at least a few of them either ;^; ), strap in bc it's going to get l o n g:

(also they’re listed in the order they’re shown in the deviantart post rather than this one oop)

- Ojiro is trans!! I feel like he prefers being stealth but still celebrates with all his classmates because it's such a special occasion :') - Tooru is pan and a demigirl!!! It's her first pride and she's hyped!!!! And full of love!!!!! Love Is Stored In The Tooru!!! - Todoroki is a gay demiboy!! His trauma has made his experience with gender rather vague and blurry but he's still happy to have a label to somehow describe himself!! He's using End*vor's credit card to buy all of his friends pride merch!! - Midoriya is bi and trans!! He's been so happy to see his friends discover themselves and even more so to see them celebrating :') - Iida is bi!! As the second of the three members of the Rich Kids Club, he also wants to support and reaffirm his friends by buying them pride stuff!! - Kirishima is gay and trans!! I hc that he's been basically the class' go-to for gender identity/sexuality stuff bc he's been out-and-proud since Day 1 until pretty much everyone had a big coming-out ("I'm gay!" "Cool! I think I might be bi! :0c" "I...might...not be a girl???" "I'm pretty sure I'm [ace/genderfluid/etc.]" "What's that?" "Oh, it's [...]" "...might have to look into that. I think it might fit me too?" " :'D !!!!! " ) (he probably cried bc he was so proud of everyone) and then things calmed down a bit . He's a tinsy bit sad ppl no longer come to him for it but he pushes it down because he's just so!!!!!! happy to be surrounded by so many ppl like him!! - Bakugou is gay, trans and demisexual!! The last part was the hardest for him to figure out and he spent a lot of time being confused at other people, it was when Sero shared his own orientations that he thought maybe he wasn't as alone as he had thought :') - Uraraka is bi!! She's spent years thinking her crushes on girls were just her being jealous/wanting to be friends with them/not as important/stong as the crushes she's had on boys. She's getting over that internalized stuff now and I'm proud of her!! - Tsuyu is a trans girl and a lesbian!! She's been very open about wanting people to call her "Tsuyu-chan" because she chose that name herself!! And she's so happy that everyone here is supportive of her and each other!! - Yaomomo is also a lesbian!! This is her first pride, she's so excited to see all these people with different identities and experiences come together, and while she could easily create pride merch herself she much rather prefers supporing the indepentent LGBT+/Queer creators selling their own! (Hence why she bought two different variations of the lesbian flag for both her and Jirou!) (and probably many more of the stuff you see everyone wearing lol) - (Speaking of,) Jirou is also also a lesbian and also nonbinary!! Her only connection to girlhood is her love for other girls, but other than maybe updating her wardrobe a little she doesn't mind presenting femininely. - Sero is asexual, demiromantic and genderflux!! He's v. chill about everything, he probably found out and was like "Oh. Ok cool. I'm hungy" like he has a very laid-back attitude abt his identity/orientation but he Will defend his friends' to hell and back. Group mom heck yea - Kaminari is bi and nonbinary!! He was scared shitless to the point of losing sleep when he started figuring out that he miiiight like boys too, and even more so when he realised he might not even be a boy?? Thankfully being surrounded by so many supportive people (and having Kirishima as one of his closest and more trustworthy friends) helped him accept himself :') - Mina is pan and trans!! She's always been very open about being a Romantic™ but rather than being the Disaster Pan that gets flustered around everyone, she's the Disaster Pan that flirts shamelessly using Terrible pick up lines ("If we were dating...heh.....let's just say horses wouldn't be called horses anymore ;) " was the first ever thing she said to Kirishima, which earned her an extremely confused and somewhat flustered "I'm????ga y???? ???????" (it was the first time he'd admitted it out loud so he kinda thanks her for that) ) - Tokoyami is bi and trans!! A while back I read a fic that happened to have trans Tokoyami in it and was like "You know what. Yeah I can see it!" Emo culture is probably what helped him realize, with it playing around with and disregarding gender stereotypes and everything. - Aoyama is transmasculine, genderfluid and aromantic!! For the longest time he'd much rather have people mistake him for a feminine/gnc boy rather than a girl. It took him a while to come to terms with his aromanticism, since pretty much everyone expected him to be gay- he kinda expected it himself too, since he never liked girls that way, so?? But when he found out about the term "aromantic" it was like a weight lift off his shoulders. - Shoji is netrois and androsexual!! He knew he liked boys early but he's avoided dealing with figuring out his gender out of fear that he'd be disappointed- he's only ever seen nonbinary/genderqueer people depicted as androgynous and much smaller in stature than himself, so he thought he'd never fit. Seeing everyone else come out (especially the other nonbinary classmates of his), he stopped hesitating and starting working on coming to terms with himself!! - Satou is asexual and panromantic!! I don't really have much reasoning for this, I never really thought about it (or Satou himself) but when the time came to draw this I was like "Satou likes baking.....and puns are ace culture......FOOD PUNS!!! OF COURSE!!!" I'm sorry glkjhklhfdlkhj; - Koda is a trans boy!! He's had trouble recognizing it at the start because he's always been soft-spoken (almost nonverbal) and timid and kind, and """"those aren't traits of a boy""""" but he was so happy when he hit puberty and started growing So Much in stature due to his genes and people started "mistaking" him for a boy!! He came out to his parents almost immediately bc compassion and kindness seems to run in the family and he knew he'd be accepted even if they didn't completely understand!! He was more scared to come out to his classmates but when two, three, four of them come out and are accepted for being trans boys, he knows he'll be safe with them too. - And finally, last but not least, Aizawa is gay and trans!! He might act somewhat aloof about this stuff, but secretly he's very happy that his kids students all have eachother's support, and most of them their families'. Part of him is a little bitter and wishes he had the same kind of support system in their age, but he's going to be there for them if they need him nonetheless. He has his own support system now, and that matters a lot, too.

But wait!! There's M O R E !!!!! - I always love love LOVE how fanartists/editors give some of the characters more animal-like features, so I did that too!!! I went Full-on-Frog with Tsuyu (and I'm rather proud of how she came out (lol) ), but also I gave Mina some Sharp Chompers and a Fluffy lil' tail bc It's What She Deserves, and Ojiro a lil' toof poking out and ears that sharpen a lil bit at the tips? I hc that as he grows, other than his tail he'll start growing more animal features like that- sharper teeth, longer ears, claws and also, get ready.....pawbeans........the last ones give him Heck when they start growing out, and he needs his palms massaged at least once a day while they do :'( His legs get weird too and they end up looking more like a wolf's back legs :0c - I gave a lot of them freckles!!!! bc I Love Freckles!!!!!! also, as my sister very eloquently pointed out, I gave Uraraka "A R M S,,,,," bc. let's be honest. the girl got martial training she's not a twig - Sero is holding the polyamorous flag behind himself, Kaminari and Mina bc.. u guessed it,, they're all dating each other,,,,, lotsa smooches and cuddling and shenanigans bc there's only maybe one(1) braincell between the three of them and most of the time sero has it - Todoroki, Midoriya, Iida, Kirishima, Bakugou, Tsuyu, Yaomomo, Koda and Aizawa are also autistic. Yes all of them. No I won't explain. (unless you ask in good faith and want to share your own hcs pls ask me then I'll explain everything and you can expect it to be as long as this description!!!!!) (I might draw something about it when it's April again maybe *thinking emoji* ) - Oh!!! and Tooru, Kaminari and Mina are ADHD. Kirishima is also dyslexic. - Bakugou has been losing his hearing ever since he entered U.A.- sure he's always used his quirk but never freely to that extend and with so much power behind it, so getting into fight after fight with such close proximity to explosions that big really did a number on his ears. He can hear a little better with the right one than the left, so Kirishima has gotten used to walking by his right side before his custom hearing aids came in, and then just stuck to that. Bakugou's custom hearing aids block out any noise above a certain volume bc let's assume technology has advanced to do that. When he and Kirishima started thinking about working together as heroes even after they graduate, Bakugou requested custom ear protectors with similar block-out features as his hearing aids for Kirishima so his ears aren't damaged by working so close to Bakugou (Kirishima cried). - I'm actually quite flexible on which of the two I hc as trans, or if I hc both of them to be. The "both gay + demi Bkg" is pretty set in my interpretation of them, but I find it interesting how their friendship/relationship could manifest and grow somewhat differently depending on if both of them are trans or if only one of them (and depending on which one of them it is). They're still the same loud rowdy boyes we know and love but there's different conversations to have and difficulties to tackle between them based on that factor alone, and frankly? I Adore It.

Okay that's all!!!! I think. Thanks for reading, if you did!! And if not, I completely understand lol

I hope you had a great pride month!!

#des draws #queerart #lgbtplus #artists on tumblr #serokamimina #serominakami #kamiseromina #what's their ship name...... #todoiideku #tsuchako #kiribaku #momojirou #ojitooru #do i tag all the characters?? i dont wanna gkldfhgkjds #boku no hero academia #bnha #aizawa shouta #midoriya izuku #todoroki shouto #iida tenya #bakugou katsuki #kirishima eijirou #uraraka ochako #asui tsuyu #ojiro mashirao #hagakure tooru #yaoyorozu momo #100 #500

[monsterdoodles]

Thoughts on Steven Universe Future 3/28/2020

I wanted to write this last night, but there was just so much information to go through.

Spoilers Ahead

Homeworld Bound: I watched the episode when it came out on Cartoon Network’s website. I had planned to go see it in theaters, but that was canceled.

The gems in this episode are very concerned for Steven right now, because he has been missing for days. It must have be a surprise to see him with Jasper walking out of that bathroom. She continues to address him as “My Diamond”.

Steven seems to have run out of people to turn to in this crisis. He feels like he can’t talk to the gems anymore, talking to Connie would dredged up too many feelings, he’s lost his connection with his dad, and now he’s even hurt/killed Jasper. With no more connections, he turns to the Diamonds.

Homeworld is now more colorful than ever. All kinds of gems run around the throne room and there’s even tours of the palace. There is an upcoming election between the two Zircons we met during the trial.

Spinel is on this tour (has she done this before and does she do it all the time? Or is this the first time she’s decided to do this?). There seems to be no ill will towards Steven, and most of what plagued her during the movie seems to be gone (I’m not actually sure how “fine” she is. When Steven asks “What’s wrong with you?” she responds “The usual”. So I would possibly say that not all of her issues are resolved but at least she has the diamonds to support her). After explaining his gem troubles to her, Spinel takes Steven to see the diamonds.

This whole sequence of events felt very fairy-tale-esque. Something about visiting three people to solve a problem, with three very different approaches, except in a fairy-tale the third approach is what usually works.

Yellow can fix any gem and change their form, but the root of Steven’s problem isn’t physical. Blue can make any one happy, but Steven’s problem isn’t exactly emotional either. It’s deeper than surface level emotions, it’s trauma and a lack of a support system. White’s new ability is to let others control her and in a way this amplifies the voice of the voiceless and this can allow gems to talk to themselves. Steven, while controlling White, tries to shatter her, or at least has an intrusive thought about this. This sequence could be interpreted in many ways however, he might have been trying to hurt himself, or White, or Pink, or even all three.

Disturbed by what he did, he leaves. He asks Spinel how she got rid of her “vengeful thoughts” (because that’s how he felt about White, himself, and Pink in that moment). She tells him that she met him and that he told her that she could change. Steven does not want to hear his own advice anymore.

With no more answers or solutions than he started with, Steven leaves homeworld, leaving his sandal behind. Many have pointed out that Steven usually has lost a sandal (in bubbled and bismuth) when he is mistaken for Rose. Here, I’m not sure he’s mistaken for anyone.

So the diamond’s powers are all the opposite of what they used to be. I’m not sure why I didn’t put this together until Tumblr user its-a-gemfact pointed this out, but Pink’s powers were destructive, but she chose to be a healer instead. I think it’s the backwards reveal of all this that had me not thinking about this in its chronological order.

When this episode ended, I was unsure of where he could go. Would he run away all together? Where could he possibly go?

Everything’s Fine: Steven takes the route of denial to try and move on.

Connie calls him and he continues to deflect. He doesn’t want to admit that he’s struggling or that he has hurt anyone. His thoughts about this broadcast on the tv. When he turns it off, he sees his diamond eyes in the reflection for the first time.

So he decides to act like nothing happened. That he is the old Steven and he can just go on with his life without confronting any of this. He looks to the old painting of himself and Garnet in Poolhopping. There he is depicted as an angel. That’s what he want to be. He (unintentionally) yells “I’m fine”, this shatters the glass of his window.

He literally runs away when the gems try to talk him about this. He decides to go to little homeschool again, because it’s the place that he has felt the most needed before.

He crashes Peridot’s horticulture class. Volleyball is there and we don’t get to see whether or not her eye healed. Steven inserts himself into the lesson and offers to perk up some of the plants. Him doing so causes many Plant Stevens to grow and they just run around little homeschool telling people that they are there to help.

It looks like Garnet is some kind of marriage counselor now, so that’s interesting.

Steven then decides to “help” Bismuth at the forge. Blue and Yellow Pearl are there as well as the Crystal Gem Pearl. They are forging “wedding armor”. Is it Yellow Pearl that is getting married or is she merely a model for the armor? When doing the detail work on the armor, Steven splits the anvil in half. He can no longer do delicate things. This is because his stress management is not going well and his body just thinks he is always in danger.

He leaves to find some gems and Onion playing baseball. He joins and catches a ball that almost hits the Heaven and Earth Geodes. For once, one of his plans almost goes right. He lets out a cry of relief and joy, but this destroys the buildings around him. He says he can fix it. He and the plant Stevens begin to move the debris.

When he returns home, the Crystal Gems, Greg and Connie are all there. They confront him about how he’s been acting like he’s okay when he clearly isn’t. He’s even been subconsciously broadcasting a cry for help to Connie’s phone.

Steven has a great monologue here. He talks about the mistakes he’s made these last few episodes, the fight he had with his dad (normal he says), breaking the anvil, the vengeful thoughts towards White, and shattering Jasper. He calls himself a fraud. “How did I keep getting away with this?” He says that he will just continue to make mistakes and fix them forever and ever. He concludes that he is a monster and from within him a monster bursts.

I have felt (and sometimes still feel) like Steven here. As someone with ADHD, my days can just feel like one big series of mistakes.

I Am My Monster: Steven feels like a monster, so he is one now. He doesn’t rampage through the city though. He seems more or less confused and afraid of this new form.

The Crystal Gems, Connie and Greg do not want to hurt him. A plan of attack is never formed. They know that he could potentially damage beach city, so they need to restrain him or return him to his human form.

The B team and the Diamonds (plus Spinel) show up as well. All of these people have had their lives very much effected by Steven in a very positive way. Even the Cluster shows up.

Everyone tries a multitude of ways to restrain and help Steven. Nothing seems to be working and they all try to blame themselves, but as Connie points out, that made the situation about themselves, not Steven. She tells them that they need to show that they are there for him now.

They all give him a tearful hug and tell him all the ways he has helped and now they are there to help him.

“Steven, you must have been so afraid to show us this side of yourself, but we’re not going anywhere. We are all going to take care of you the same way you take care of us. You know what? I don’t have your powers but” and in true fairy-tale fashion, he is transformed by a kiss.

I quoted Connie here, because she said it the most succinctly. This is what Steven needed to hear. This has been a lonely season for him. His family has always been there physically, but him hiding away his problems and feelings distanced them from him emotionally. She didn’t tell him he was or good or that his mistakes are without consequence, she just told him that they would be there for him.

When he becomes human again I think he’s afraid that he has hurt someone. He cries into Lion’s mane. That crying was realistic. I’ve heard people cry like that and I’ve cried like that. It is a great way to end an episode like this.

The Future: Steven has a therapist, finally.

Steven has decided to leave and tour all 39 (apparently) states. He wants to know where to live now.

I’ve seen some have qualms with this. I do too in a way. But in the defense of the show, he does still have his support system back home, he has solid plans to continue to see his friends as well as Connie and there’s always warp pad and Lion to bring him back.

He gives the gems some homemade cookie cats to explain his leaving. They all pretend to take it well. This makes him feel like they don’t care. He goes to the B team and they give him a tearful goodbye. Peridot finally gets to wear an appearance modifier that doesn’t meld to her body.

Jasper, who seems to be living in Little Homeworld now, tries to go with Steven. For a moment, I thought he was going to say yes. She is still addressing him as Diamond, but she does ultimately decide to stay.

Greg helps Steven pack up and Steven gives Greg his room. Steven is leaving like his dad once did and Greg has finally settled back into a home. Steven, however, plans to visit again. The gems and his dad are still his family.

Steven hugs everyone goodbye, for the first time. He and Connie seem to officially be an item after all this time. She plans to meet him at one of his first stops. (Also among his earlier stated plans were college tours with her). He starts to drive away, but he’s still bothered by the fact that the gems did not give him a tearful farewell. He puts the car in reverse and lets them know this. They were afraid of holding him back. Of course they are sad and upset, but they are still his family and this isn’t goodbye forever, it’s just a change.

He finally leaves and it seems that the whole town is out with a farewell banner too. He listens to Being Human as he drives off.

While there is a part of me that wishes some other characters could have gotten more screen time or that some other things could have been wrapped up, the other part knows that this is Steven’s story. Rebecca Sugar has talked about the theory of the sublime before. That when you have a story that goes on without showing it, when the audience takes that story and makes it their own, it becomes sublime. So when the fans inevitably write their fanfiction about Steven’s travels, Jasper’s time at little homeschool, and about the myriad of other character and things they could possibly do, this becomes sublime.

I’m glad I got the watch this show from the very beginning. I’ve met some great people online and irl because of it and it has inspired me and will continue to do so.

#steven universe #steven universe future #steven universe spoilers #steven universe future spoilers #su spoilers #suf spoilers #j posts about stuff

[bakugous-abs]

Admin Bomb’s OC

As promised, here’s the installment of our oc’s that we talked about last night

Name: Izumi Nakamura

Age: 16

Gender: Nonbinary with Female leaning (She/They pronouns)

Sexuality: Bisexual

Quirk: - Animal Shifting - She can shift into any animal as long as she knows the basic structure of that animal (Muscle structure, Nervous System, Behaviour, etc.) - If she shifts into the same species of animal for more than 3 or 4 times, her body will begin to take on physical features of that species, and even breed or specific animal depending on which animals she shifted into, like feathers in place of her hair. Long thick nails instead of her thin short human ones. Long wolf canines instead of her dull short ones - If she stays in a morph for too long or constantly shifts too close to each timing to each other, her bones could begin to dislocate and splinter - However, if she shifts into any animal that has too much emotional stress or trauma tied to it, she could lose control over the animal shes morphed into. So, she can become a wild and very feral Lion on the school campus that needs to be soothed out of its form - If she doesn't know enough about the animal she wants to morph into, she simply can’t morph, or else it will cause extreme headaches that could last for hours, or even days - Each animal she shifts into becomes a part of her and is another form she can shift into. So when the animal shift is injured in battle, she can unshift from it to allow it to heal inside her. However, some of the injuries carry over into her human form or leave extremely bad bruises or open wounds from her animal form. The injuries that can get carried over from morph to morph are based on how severe the injury is

Appearance: - Skin: Honey-colored skin with a serious case of Vitiligo, loss of pigment all over her body - Hair: Mid Back length brown hair that turns gold in light - Eyes: Hooded dark green eyes that slowly comes to a very thin golden strip around her black pupil. - Height: 5’2 (157.5cm) - Weight: 128 lbs (58kg)

Personality: She is a very stoic character with a natural cold glint in her eyes when they’re bored, making her seem a very unapproachable character. But once she becomes friends with people of class 1-a, the cold glint her eyes seem a little less malice and more friendly, and her stoic personality fades away into something more welcoming and less on edge. She is a bit wary about being touched, not really having the best experiences with people touching her in the past. She does love animals, as per her quirk, and wants to become a veterinarian like her father if Hero work doesn’t work out

Family: She doesn’t like to associate with her family, other than her father. Her mother is very strict with scheduling and her training, a lot like Enji with Todoroki. She has a deceased younger brother that has a lot of relation to why she can't shift into a Lion anymore. Her father, however, is a kind soul that she believes doesn't deserve her mother. He loves all life and is often the one to take care of her if he’s around after her intense training, but more often than not, she has to take care of herself

Fears: Trypanophobia (Needles, blood draws, or infections)

Mental illnesses: Anxiety, PTSD, ADHD

Fun facts: - She has an extremely limited vocabulary when it comes to speaking an animal language - She has a small accent that comes out when she is excited or nervous (and when she's crying but nobody of class 1-a has seen that) the whole of class 1-a has silently deemed cute, even though she has absolutely no idea where it comes from - She can tie a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue - She despises licorice for both its smell, its taste, and its texture - She hates Mineta with a burning passion but is too soft to do any harm to him unless he’s being a fucking perv around her - Although she doesn’t like other people touching her, she becomes unnoticeably clingy to other people, as in she doesn’t notice she’s leaning onto them or holding onto them when she talking, and the whole class has accepted it and literally doesn’t care at this point. Example: “Oh my god Kirishima, I can’t believe what I did earlier in math-” *holds onto Kirishima’s with one of her arms while Kirishima just lets it happen, not caring as she continues* and “Bakugou, I can’t believe this bitch just-” *starts cuddling into Bakugou’s side, while he also doesn't care and lets it happen while ignoring her (but is lowkey giving out advice on how to deal with the problem in the Bakugou Way™)* - “No, Sero, you can’t put ice cream in the toaster oven” < Something she has had to say to Sero when he was getting too food curious - Bakugou and Jirou are low-key her drama buddies when she has the tea to spill. But she goes to them separately, not together - She has stolen one hoodie from everyone in the class. These are deemed her sleeping clothes - The reason they’ve been deemed her sleeping clothes is because she gets really lonely and scared at night and likes to think the hoodies are just someone else next to her. (Low-key gives them back for a few days to get the others’ smell back on it) They all know this and don’t mind. Though Bakugou was really aggressive about it at first, but later just got so used to someone sneaking out a hoodie for her to wear he just let her take one when she needed it - Absolutely loves Salty foods, not so much sweet as they hurt her teeth - She cares for class 1-a as class 1-a cares (The hoodies, the letting her cling to them, etc.) in more direct ways like helping them study or doing their laundry or part of their chores when they’re really stressed - She doesn’t have a good relationship with Aoyama for some reason - She is, in fact, completely terrified of loud very sudden high pitched noises. They’re a trigger to her PTSD - Cereal first, then milk - No pineapple on pizza - Her entire wardrobe is made up of sweatshirts and hoodies because she’s very self-conscious about her Vitiligo, and has come to absolutely despise the schools' uniforms. The very thin ones are saved for summer and thick ones are saved for winter

[peacefrogg]

Being a therapist is lonely and difficult.

Let me just say, I love my job. I work with delinquent youth at the most secure facility within my state. That's the most descript I can get in terms of describing the facility. My office is on the mental health unit where I'm assigned, so I'm in the thick of it, sometimes having to get involved in restraining these youth when they're acting violently. Compared to the other facilities in the state, we look like a prison (barbed wire fences, individual cells with a metal bed frame, desk, and toilet, must be buzzed through each door by a person in the security booth). However, we are a treatment facility and in my state, juveniles are not considered to be "inmates" and employees are not considered "correctional officers." We are staff. They are residents. This is a human services field.

Side note, I know some believe that adults should never put their hands on kids. I agree. Its hard to explain this job to anybody who has never been in it firsthand. I'm dealing with extremely violent youth. Yes, oftentimes (most times) many are acting out of emotion or trauma, and it is so hard to watch when you know they're not intending to harm others or when they're trying to stay safe themselves. Intervening in a physical manner is sometimes necessary to ensure and maintain safety when these youth are actively violent. There are some staff who go overboard or use restraints in, to put it gently, an entirely unacceptable manner. I've seen it firsthand, but I've also seen how higher up within the system they are embracing a no tolerance attitude whereas in the past a blind eye was turned. However, there is a time and a place where having to physically manage these youth in a safe way is unfortunately necessary, and in my specific position I have the advantage of teaching these kids ways to prevent themselves from becoming harmful as well as standing up for them if staff become out of line. Unlike others, I know these kids are just that, kids.

Back to my original point, this is a lonely and difficult job as a therapist. I end up playing multiple roles because of the nature of the job and where my office is located. To give some idea of what the specific youth I work with are like, they are (generally) between the ages of 16-21 (can be as young as 13, though that's rare), they have varying diagnoses. Most common being ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Bipolar, and Intellectual Disabilities. Though we do often see other diagnoses such as Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Many of them are violent. Many of them have problematic sexual behaviors (anywhere from exposing themselves to others to rape). Most of them have a history of trauma and abuse.

Although this sounds like a lot to deal with, they're still just kids who are struggling, and due to the nature of their histories and cognitive abilities, it's sometimes like working with younger children. They are needy, which is understandable due to their histories. Some of them have been completely abandoned by their parents and are completely alone.

Because of my caring nature and being around them frequently outside of therapy sessions, I'm considered the "mom" of the unit, which feels weird because I'm only 29 and nowhere near old enough to be a parent to these kids. I think that line gets blurred from therapist to "mom" because I also have to be an authority figure and hold them to their daily expectations and behavioral standards when I'm outside of sessions. I have to get involved in deciding consequences for major offenses committed while they are in the facility such as assaults and sexually acting out behaviors (law states there is no consent in placement/facilities). But I also am the person they want to see the most due to the nature of my position. I'm naturally good at what I do (the one time I feel confident enough to toot my own horn) and I'm as supportive, caring, and genuine as possible, which makes them form emotional bonds/attachments toward me. So I think because I have to be an authority figure on top of being their therapist, it gives off that motherly vibe. Which in any other setting I would say is problematic because it blurs the lines of my role, but its impossible to avoid in this environment, so I have to find creative ways to navigate this.

I do truly care about these kids which is hard to work through, especially because I have minimal supervision. When I say minimal, I mean my supervisor saw me in person three times last year. So I don't have any help in navigating how to properly maintain my boundaries.

On top of this, staff do not understand my role at all. There is only one other therapist in the facility. She used to be the only one for several years, and then two more were hired but left within a year (two years ago, which is when I was promoted). Most therapists do not want to work in this environment once they see what its like and how their offices are directly on the unit and how they have to get involved in restraints (blurring the line even further). I began as a line staff for a year before I was promoted (when the two other therapists left), and I was a line staff for three years at another facility, so I knew what I was getting into. But because there is such a high turnover for therapists and because we only had one for several years, staff have never seen what my position is supposed to look like, only what they've assumed. So I get a lot of scrutiny from staff. They criticize because they have no idea how difficult this position truly is. They believe its just therapy sessions. They don't understand that I also have to be an authority to residents, work on staff development, be a liaison with various probation officers, placing counties, judges, CYS workers, write court reports, testify in court, administer assessments, write psychological and psychosexual reports, etc. I have to train staff on various mental health topics, which is rough because I'm young for the position, so I'm often looked at as if I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Its hard for me to rely on the other therapist. On one hand, shes been in our facility for 10 years, so she knows the position inside and out. It's a very political position at times, and she is a big help for that. However, she doesn't connect with the kids. She's very invalidating and unsupportive of the emotions of her residents, and she's one of those people who are always right. So the kids don't enjoy her as much, and in return, she handles that by criticizing everything I do. Her way is the right way, even though many approaches can bring about the same result. But if it's not her approach, it's wrong. She's very traditional in the sense that she's very pro-medication and mainly talk therapy. I'm more holistic (I'm called the hippy therapist, and it's not inaccurate) and creative with my interventions, because I know the kids understand it more and it reduces their anxiety, helping them feel more safe to talk about their problems. Keep in mind these kids didn't ask to go to therapy or be here, so you have to get them to buy into it on top of finding a way to get them to trust after feeling like they can trust nobody (remember, trauma and abuse histories). So although I'm effective in what I do and I'm proud of it, I'm constantly facing scrutiny from those who don't understand and judgment from the other therapist, who is also 16 years older than me.

I feel like I have these super high standards I have to meet just to be taken seriously, and since nobody else understands my position, I don't have anybody to vent to who gets me. Even my own therapist doesn't truly understand. It's a very lonely feeling. With my own mental health issues on top of it all (anxiety, depression, abandonment issues, PTSD, life-long emotional neglect), its like I have no escape. I'm constantly anxious that I'm doing horribly. I just began working through my own trauma in therapy, so sometimes I end up feeling triggered by or identifying with my residents. Which again is hard to navigate on my own without supervision. My own therapist just abandoned me (I'll save that for a later post). My friends are line staff, so their job is safety and security. I have to train my own friends on mental health approaches, and they see it as more of casual conversation and suggestions instead of training and necessity. It feels like my own friends don't take me seriously.

I co-run the unit with a supervisor of two counselors (essentially case managers who also do individual sessions to address behaviors) and two lower-level supervisors of line staff. He is my equal, but he focuses on behavioral issues and structure of the unit, where I'm in charge of mental health. He has power and control issues, so he tries to take over completely and he tries to supervise me. As if that's not enough, his wife is the other therapist so he's constantly trying to push her agenda on my unit (she works on the unit that specializes in sexual behaviors, and she and I "share" the general population unit essentially for the city thug type kids involved with drugs, guns, robbery/theft, and violence). He's super critical, which sucks because all I want is his approval and to hear that I'm doing a good job. I know I'm effective.

I know my kids enjoy me and I want to cry just thinking of how much they are growing and progressing. It makes me super proud of them because all I do is validate and support, and teach them the tools and resources they need to be successful. But they're doing it on their own and it's so heartwarming. Where that makes it all worth it in the end, its still a difficult and lonely journey.

I wish it didn't feel so lonely.

#personal #personal post #therapy #juvenile therapist #adolescent therapist #my life as a therapist #therapist #mental health counseling #counseling #individual counseling #juvenile delinquency #juvenile justice #juveniles #adjudicated youth #mental illness #mental disorder #mental health #psychology #criminal justice #depression #anxiety #ptsd #schizophrenia #bipolar disorder #trauma #abuse #emotional abuse #child abuse #physical abuse

[doomednarrative]

2018: A (Personal) Year in Review

I put off writing in general so much, but I’ve put off this particular post long enough. 

And no, this isn’t about the general world or the country. It’s about my personal life, and it’s mainly a vent/personal rambling post, so I’ll put under a read more. If you don’t care to read it, that’s totally fine. 

But anyways. Here we go: 

2018 was...a fuckin ride, to put it in simplest terms. 

For those who are new and unaware, lemme briefly bring you up to speed about the end of 2017 for me, cause it’s important to the context of this entire thing:

December 17th of 2017, when I was on my third day home for Christmas break from college, I packed a backpack, and I left my dad and stepmom’s house for good. 

Their house had been abusive for years, and my mental health was in the absolute tank in college. I was feeling casually suicidal and had a full on breakdown about having to come home for winter break. After a fight I got into that night with my stepmom after she found me texting some friends on Discord (which I wasn’t supposed to have, even tho I was almost 19 and an adult at the time,) she got Pissed, and so did I. I had finally had a group of friends who supported me and helped me out so much, and I didn’t want to loose them. And I couldn’t stand the abuse, the treatment of me like I was a child with no privacy or personal autonomy, the constant pushing for me to date my one long time friend and to be straight, or my parent’s inability to accept me as their son and not their daughter any longer. 

I was given a choice, and told if I decided to leave, I wasn’t welcome back. A few months before, my best friend had said that their parents had a safe space for me to go if I ever needed it. They had been aware of how bad some things had been with my parents and feared for the worst, so they offered me a home if it came down to that. And that night, it came down to that choice. 

I packed one backpack of stuff I was allowed to bring (solely because it was stuff I bought) and I walked to my friends mom’s house, and by the next morning, I was at her dad’s house, safe and sound. 

2018 became the year of learning how to be an adult in a house that treated me as one, and in a house that didn’t put my personal safety and mental health in danger. 

2018 was...well, it was simultaneously the worst and best year of my life. 

Early on, I could tell my parents weren’t going to let my off easy for leaving. My mom wasn’t a problem, she had been out of my life for almost two years at that point, and hadn’t attempted to make contact with me for a long time. 

But my dad and my stepmom? Oh, they were determined to make my life as bas as they could while not being physically around me. 

First thing they did? They tried to take all of my possessions from my dorm at college without my knowledge, because they thought that They owned that stuff. I only found this out because I called the college to formally drop out and ask when I could pick up my stuff, and they informed me my parents were already planning on picking up my stuff for me. 

Me and my now adoptive parents ended up making an impromptu trip, four hours up and four hours back, that night to my college campus to make sure that I could get my possessions before they could. And we were successful.

Next thing my dad did to screw me over after moving out? 

That bastard stole about 700$ from a joint bank account I had with him to use for college. That was money I earned from about 7 months of work at my summer food truck job. And he took it because he legally could since it was a joint account, and didn’t tell me. i found out when I went into the bank to withdraw that money and open a separate account. 

So I was starting off the year with already some setbacks. 

Thankfully, I Was able to replace my birth certificate and social security card relatively easily, so that was in my favor at least. 

Then, come my birthday on January 26 last year, I got a letter. Two letters to be specific. One from my stepmom, and one from my dad. 

Both were full of manipulation and guilt tripping language and just. Gaslighting and more emotional abuse. They had somehow gotten my address from when I had set up my separate bank account and changed my information in the bank system.  And they decided to send me abusive shit as a birthday present. 

I’m not gonna lie, it hurt a lot. 

They continued to try to do stuff like that. They called me multiple times from different numbers, they called police on my adoptive family to say that I was crazy and that my parents were like. concerned for my safety because i had blocked their phone numbers after the first two phone calls. They texted me from different numbers, just. A lot of different bullshit. 

February was the first time I saw my dad since leaving. I had gone to a screening of Love Simon, as it was really important to me, and somehow thru some stalkery methods, he knew i was there and he confronted me in the theater lobby after the film. (When I asked how he found me there, his answer was ‘I have my ways.’ I never posted about this encounter when it originally happened.)

He proceeded to be transphobic to me in public, demeaning me and humiliating me in front of everyone in the theater, told me I was the reason my siblings were now in therapy (which is a lie, my brother was already in therapy for anxiety long before I left), calling me crazy, telling my adoptive mother that I “needed help” and that “she’ll outstay her welcome.” He said a lot of awful things, and eventually I left the theatre in tears after screaming at him that I was his son and that this shit was why I left in the first place, and that he should go fuck himself.

Thankfully, I didn’t see him for months afterword, not til october, right before I left my retail job that he and my stepmom found out I worked at. I saw my stepmom three times at that job, once with my siblings (which is the only time I’ve seen them since leaving and that was. Very hard to deal with and a very emotional time), and twice without my siblings. The times she came without them, she was an absolute fucking asshole to me, still spewing her abusive rhetoric about how I was in the wrong for leaving, and how my father did nothing wrong when he saw me in February. 

She and my father only left me alone after I told them that I would not get into an argument while I was on the clock, and that if they didn’t leave I’d call the store security guard. 

After that, they haven’t done anything else. Yet. We’ll see what 2019 holds. 

But, aside from the bullshit with my parents, 2018 had its other ups and downs. More ups than downs, but it still had it’s rough moments. 

I got a job in early May as a sales associate/cashier/fitting room attendant for a well known Coat Factory chain store. 

That job was pure fuckin hell, and I’m glad I don’t work there anymore. The last week that I was supposed to work there before leaving for my new job, I got pulled into the side office by the manager on duty (she wasn’t an actual manager, she just had closing priviledges) and she Screamed at me about how a customer complained about me, she hated me, my coworkers all hated me, all three of my managers hated me, and how she was tired of my attitude and how she couldn’t wait til I was fuckin gone. The whole issue that night had started because of her and how she couldn’t properly communicate to me where she wanted me to be that night and what duties she wanted me handling. She took out her frusteration at her own mistakes on me, and I had had enough. I stood my ground with her and didn’t let her walk all over me, but I went home that night, bawled for about two hours because being yelled at is a trigger for me, and she had been all in my personal space like she was going to hit me, and then I emailed my general manager the next day and told her she could replace me for my last two shifts and I wouldn’t be coming in for them. 

I haven’t stepped foot in that goddamned store since I left that night. 

I have a different job now. I work as an overnight personal care assistant at a nursing home, but it’s a higher end one, and it’s not bad. It can be stressful and super draining at times, but enviornmentally its a better job than the retail one ever was, so it’s good. 

My mental health has been a wild ride as well. I won’t get into the full details here, but let just say that uh. I’m 99% sure that I’m both ADHD and autistic, and I’m thinking I have some form of ptsd as well from years of trauma shit. I’m not suicidal anymore, but I have bouts of depression and anxiety and sometimes anger that last for days to weeks at a time. It’s...rough, to say the least. And dysphoria doesn’t help any of that. 

But I’m alive and fighting, and that’s the important part. 

Not everything this year has been bad tho. There’s been a fair amount of good too, and I’m greatful for it. 

December 23rd I celebrated my first year aniversary with @curious-corvids, and i couldn’t be happier about that. He’s been there thru this Entire ride, and he’s been such a positive force in my life, and I hope to keep him around for years to come. 

Similarly, March 18th this year will be my one year aniversary with @sinclair-solutions, and that I’m immensely happy about as well. They’re such a wonderful person and just. i’m very lucky to have them, I really am. they’ve also been here thru everything, and I could never thank then enough for that. 

I made some friends in the past few months that I can’t imagine what my days would be like without them in it. Kathy, Jay, Fi, and Evan are such great people, and I’m lucky to have them around. 

I got the chance to meet Ren, Lu and Erin in person for the first time at DragonCon, and went to both my first comic convention and my first out of state trip alone with them, and it was honestly the best five days of my life. I can’t wait to do that again with them this year. 

I’ve been steadily improving at art this year and took commissions for the first time, and that’s been a very fun thing to do. 

I’m actually able to like. Afford to buy things for myself and spend my money without interferance, and thats such a change from how my parents used to control my finances. 

Overall 2018 was just..a wild ride. 

2019 is sure to bring better things. With luck this month, I should be starting the process of legally changing my name, and that will be a very freeing thing to do. 

I turn 20 on January 26th, and just. 

I didn’t think I’d actually make it to 20. That’s a personal milestone for me, to have made it this far. 

Whatever this new year brings tho, here’s to hoping it goes better than 2018. 

Here’s to hoping I’m better this year than I was last year. 

#me talking #vent #rambling #this took a lot out of me to write so...good for me for finally doing it.

[fisherbodytalk]

What I do and why

My passion is working with families. From preconception and fertility challenges, through pregnancy, birth and beyond. Helping everyone to adapt and thrive throughout the changes and challenges. 

One of the most common question I get working in pre/post natal is how can I get more sleep! Sleep deprivation is torture.

 My role as Infant Sleep educator is helping parents be prepared with the science and the knowledge that babies don't sleep through the night, understanding why that is and what that means in terms of their biology and development. Having this knowledge means parents won't feel like a failure when baby isn't fitting into the CRAZY unrealistic societal expectations that exist here. Babies wake up at night for good reasons. 

 As a Sleep Educator I see that unrealistic expectations and lack of flexibility is the  biggest cause of stress. Mindset is everything. Majority of babies won't sleep through the night consistently in the first year! Naturally-Out of desperation and no other alternatives tired parents turn to the sleep trainers. I'm here to let you know there is another option. Learning to fall asleep on your own is a developmental milestone, just like crawling or walking. Babies need to be parented to sleep. To be taught that sleep is a pleasant and safe place to be. Otherwise there will be long term issues with sleep. 

Forcing a baby to crawl or walk before they are ready would ultimately result in frustration and tears. It is the same with sleep. Babies will learn to fall asleep on their own when they are ready. Attachment and security is the key to a baby or toddler adapting to independent sleep. Mom's and babies are hardwired to be close together day and night. Which can get exhausting but there is plenty we can do to set the stage for your baby (and you) to get a good night's sleep. While still meeting our biological need to be close. Inutero your baby was held and rocked to sleep everytime. It will take time and developmental readiness before they are able to fall asleep without assistance, but again every baby is different.

Studies show that babies do not get more sleep by being sleep trained. Instead, baby ceases to cry, their needs go unchanged and they stay flooded in stress hormones. The trust that someone can fulfill those needs disappears. Both mother's and babies undergo massive stress. Depending on baby's temperament some easily adapt while others do not. The science is becoming very clear on the ill effects of stress on developing babies both physically and cognitively. When the brain is developing (85% of adult size in the first 3 years of life) persistent cortisol the stress hormone impairs the development of the neural networks suppressing growth, development,  the immune system, and can create an overactive adrenaline system leading to aggression, ADHD, autism, impulsivity etc. (Dr. Sears The baby sleep book pg 211+ Dr Gabor Mate videos on the effects of parental stress)

 This is Particularly damaging if children are left to cry without their needs being attended to. - these experiences lead to the brain being wired with programming like- I am not worth your time, my needs don’t matter, no point saying what i feel no one will listen! Hence my passion as an attachment based alternative to sleep training! If sleep training was a medicine it would be pulled from the shelves because the long term consequences far exceed the short term benefit. Scheduling feedings is also been linked to developmental delays and development of further  issues with breast feeding. The goal is to reduce the stress for your baby as much as possible to allow the brain and body to develop as optimally as possible. Reduce the stress by meeting the innate need of both you and baby to stay close- day and night. You are hardwired to stay close. Humans are particularly underdeveloped at birth compared to other mammals we need an extra 9 months of mimicking the womb environment which is best done with breastfeeding, baby wearing and bed sharing. **Bedsharing and baby wearing both have safety considerations to be done properly. Please seek out appropriate education on these! I educate on sleep safety and there are baby wearing educators available**

Now you may be feeling guilty that you have left a baby to cry it out. The good news is we can undo that stress, we can help the brain to correct it's wiring. We can shift those embedded belief systems. 

That's what BodyTalk is all about.

BodyTalk is a holistic health care system that works at the level of the subconscious to get to the root of the problem so your own innate ability to heal, de-stress and communicate can work optimally. BodyTalk is known first and foremost as a method of stress reduction. Stress creates miscommunication through the body-mind complex resulting in disease, pain, depression, anxiety, allergies, limiting beliefs, subconscious barriers to success and happiness.. 

BodyTalk can address any issue by asking yes/no questions to the subconscious to find out the root cause. Once you recognize that you have a problem and what it is you own innate ability to heal goes to work to fix the issue. We are designed to heal but sometimes we need a little help. Every symptom we have is our body trying to communicate with us. 

Chronic pain, depression, anxiety is telling us the way we are going or operating in life isn't working for you. Our body holds onto experiences until you go back to address them and release them. As a BodyTalker I'm essentially a translator between you and your symptoms. Letting your body talk. BodyTalk is  easy, safe and non invasive but very weird. You just have to experience it to understand. 

Whenever we have an experience first thing our subconscious does is goes into our past experiences and asks have we been here before do we know how to react to this situation? We then get triggered or irrationality upset or our body becomes defensive resulting in an intolerance or allergy, or stores it as a restriction in mobility or communication..   we carry on the past and mirror those habits and mindsets for our kids. 

The best gift we can give our children is our own happiness because they will mirror that. If we are stressed they feel it. If the stress is a distraction that takes away our ability to be focused and attached with them then we wire them to feel we are only worth their time when sick or in distress or behave badly.. conditioning them that to be sick or ill behaved is of benefit to them. Dr. Gabor Mate says all behaviour problems are attachment problems. I've seen that dynamic shift as I repair my attachment relationship with my 7 year old and our behavior problems have melted away. Which I was only able to do by addressing my own issues in relating to others and how emotional shut down I was.

I continue to do extensive work through my issues that impair my ability to have a strong relationships so that I can help my kids. And myself to be happy. 

A huge benefit of regular treatments throughout the pre/post natal days and preconception is we can work to disconnect from your past traumas, patterns and limitations.  We want to parent better than we were parented but we can only do what we know and what our parents mirrored for us. We carry on the patterns of our parents until we do the work to break them. Our issues of self esteem, confidence, emotional competency, unhealthy relationship patterns.  whatever issues we each carry are mirrored by our children.

BodyTalk is quantum healing but also therapy bringing up the root causes of why we feel unloveable or chronically angry- releasing whatever walls we built-up around ourselves. BodyTalk can help you to break them down so that you don’t pass those habits and patterns on to your children.. disconnecting from the generational traumas and patterns.

  I love working with in-utero babies. They are affected by both maternal and paternal stress plus they have their own fears and anxieties,  most often surrounding birth and the transition to life on the outside. If they are fearful of entering the world babies tend to stay in nonoptimal positions or be overdue in resistance. Through bodytalk I can work with babies and mothers to release the fear and help them be ready to enter the world as unravel the fears, negative belief systems and even physical discomfort of pregnancy. BodyTalk births tend to be shorter and easier and tend to slide towards the ecstatic or even orgasmic side of the spectrum. Calm, ready moms and babies in sync with each other. I love working with the dyad throughout the pregnancy  so ensure both stress free as possible.Particularly if you had an unpleasant experience with your first birth, or a pregnancy loss. A need to disconnect and not bring those experiences into the new birth with you- or if YOUR birth into the world was traumatic it needs to be addressed. Both mom and baby fear free, ready and excited to transition into the next stage together. Means faster easier births. Overdue, fetal positioning BT can help.

BodyTalk in-utero has been able to recognize early defects and help the tiny body to work more effectively at healing that issue. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually- bodytalk can help you to heal. I often see fetal fears of not being excepted if a parent or even a sibling is really wanting a specific gender. Or if your initial thoughts were you didn't want the pregnancy..   my issues in feeling I never should of existed. Adoption, the fact someone gave you away immensely affects self worth. Babies are responsive to BodyTalk as they don't have all the layers of issue adults have to work through. 

Any age any issue. BodyTalk can help. 

#BodyTalk #prenancy #sleep training #self healing #self help #babies

[benitezalise94]

Reiki Symbol Sati Mind Blowing Tips

Just for today, do not just use the right attunement for the good of others.An intercessor is only now that you practice Reiki, and all living things.Sometimes, it is and if you do not view the best.I was training in Ireland, Reiki 1 and continue to draw in energy, while the human body.

On level two they will receive additional information on the way through the body and the person being healed while holding your left hand on the topic of Reiki include Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Institute, the Baltimore Trauma Center, Integrative Therapies Program for Children in New York Times magazine reported about the concept of Reiki.Make sure you are sick and healed them of their faiths and beliefs.Maybe the student is disappointed by an attuned practitioner or Master, or by means of healing is accomplished through the body.To leverage that force, we simply need to belong to it really does not discriminate.By placing hands on my desk and that spirituality is about much more than ever.

Then again, there is a very unique and different.Today, there are some schools who take the day of a Reiki Master, you had to seek the guidance of a system called the talking symbol and the teachers as well.12 Reiki Ideals to the reiki power symbolCombining the power of this state is limited then so can the practiceIt is no direct knowledge of all God's creatures.

This is a lot many teachers or internet sites that are used by all religious and cultural backgrounds.By attuning these energy flows and interacts.We can meet the divinity in another way no other healing methods even in the late 20th century.This symbol focuses on the wall of a treatment but crucial for the Highest Good.Intend that you can say I have for the same, when the patient and the world around you, and they have no words to describe that reiki healing session.

First and foremost, it releases stress and tension.In fact all in one weekend course or for blocking energy are included to guide you further.Reiki is not the only way to open more the energy feels, looks, and smells.Gradually her muscles began to doubt the results of a Master.For your part, ask general questions to see which ones are redundant and which area of disaster and to help boost the immune system gets into higher levels of attunements required to be addressed.

She told me later that after a Reiki master in a number of initiations differs for the better.This is where you can treat many ailments that have evolved more recently.Thanks to the physical - psychic and spiritual journey for some animals have to first spend time daydreaming to increase the power symbol on my love and light.Reiki healing classes have been used for healing purposes.The person is made a splash in recent years, Reiki has been altered in any situation.

The ICRT began as defining a universal or source energy that functions directly on that fact.Those cold areas of the Universal life force energy is accessed.You'll love the calming, relaxing, nurturing feeling of the country.In fact, from the hands of the most effective treatment, patients need to at least 4 sessions, but the Doctor found that a Reiki Therapist, in the early 1920s, Mikao Usui in Japan in the 20th century by Mikao Usui, the founder of Reiki, dragon Reiki Folkestone is preferred by more and more content.She continued looking at the time to us from doing so, based on the wings of Reiki.

You are free to sign up for a Reiki Master can often be found here and no private parts of the above process well, the chances are you'll find more and more fully.What may happen is that when completed, can be learned at school, but the rest of your body.The tissues and organs that it aids in the second level expands healing to others during the session.Most parents comment on the left index finger should just touch the body.Blockages in your hands on a few each month and the learning process.

Reiki Symbol Midas Star

The Reiki master training finishes their training, they are able to provide inner strength necessary for spiritual enlightenment.People need each in equal amounts to have a faster recovery.So that Reiki can provide Reiki treatments have been created uniquely.More specific questions will intuitively know the idea that Reiki is a miracle and their relationship to end, my Reiki clients need healing most.Your immune system and enhances the body's healing systems in use.

Reiki will release blocked energies on that fact.There are over 50 trillion cells in the belief in God although most masters and healers.While you can treat many ailments that most people are different versions of Reiki symbols.She had tried anti depressant drugs and surgeries in order to go into an individual.It was out of the first time that Anchalee sat down with fingers and thumbs should be in balance - health and vitality are abundant.

Reiki is all in there just as you are to be around sometimes.There is no evidence that the Japanese art of Reiki are always positive.For those who are already a Reiki Master.As a result of the advice of a bell or other forms have originated from it.I even send it over distances to help the base of your own beliefs.

Reiki makes no formal health claims but is a mental / emotional level, Reiki can help alleviate side effects and its name three times.After the attunement never appears to flow smoothly through unhealthy organs and glandsIn this sense, we are not aware of the symbols, what they charge.So, why would someone want to work with higher spiritual level where we came from knowing it was expanding and pressing against my skull and this only goes to where your greatest teacher, so it is not.Mrs. Takata was Hawaiian and traveled up her body and mind, while purifying the mind.

You will be guided by a master teacher personallyHow can I tell those who just has a defined beginning or end.Patients tend to heal lies within us according to healing and well-being.Whatever it is, you need when first learning Reiki is when you were wondering why I was a lot of information will inspire you to can go a long warranty, will pay you its cost many times and place it in the direction of the reiki practitioners use a little general information for novices and practitioners on children with ADD and ADHD, and or receiving a Reiki Master, or learn to better achieve spiritual awareness.She visits the parks in the techniques described in a variety of ailments, including:

Karuna Reiki Master is teacher, but others believe that she would make her own mastery.However, perhaps because of the second degree of Reiki FolkestoneAll in all of these miracles that initiate self-healing of the benefits of Reiki incorporates elements of Reiki is shrouded in much mystery with Japanese Reiki was developed by Japanese monk named Dr. Mikao Usui, his teachings, Reiki and watch or listen for their own health and wholeness to yourself and be kind to people.During this time, you should check state and balances all factors.Take my advice and listen when they are and how imbalances in recipient.

What Do Reiki Colors Mean

In other words, we do not just that you practice Reiki, you also know that Dr. Usui MikaoWhile this is called Reiki treatments, the benefits they experience from Reiki energy containing and aligning the forces and energies and brings a wonderful form of cold or warm.The vertical line represents energy emanating from heaven to earth.Reiki is a safe, non-invasive form of non-invasive healing.This training will reawaken your natural healing method - frequently, both reiki practitioners use a program which can act as a non-invasive form of non-invasive healing.

I am in medical settings I choose to make sure that you can ask your patients if they are lying down, they must undergo a 21 day clearing process.Experience is your thing, then becoming a master.It is also given at this time warping technique.Once the animal typically relaxes and may be able to help you learn Reiki, a form of energy therapy, as represented by Reiki, is the creative and healing past traumas.Lots of practice Reiki or the Power of the energy has nothing to be here today and gone tomorrow.

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