#none of my friends live here anymore and i was truly alone for years and it was fucking with my mental health

[talkdutchtome]

Bad Idea Right? - Daniel Ricciardo

pairing . . . daniel ricciado x reader )

genre . . . smut )

summary . . .it had been three months seen you had seen your ex boyfriend, you had done everything in your power to get over him, so why does it only take daniel to look your way before you’re putty in his hands once again )

song . . . bad idea right? - olivia rodrigo )

warning . . . smut, 18+ MINORS DNI, choking, rough sex, spitting in mouth, use of the words slut and whore, degradation, face slapping, dacryphilia, fingering, oral (f receiving), p in v, unprotected sex, creampie, use of petnames, not proofread )

word count . . . 3200 words )

a/n . . .i'm still pretty new to writing smut so this probably isn't fantastic but i've had it sitting in my drafts half done since guts first came out so i just wanted to get it done )

Haven't heard from you in a couple of months  But I'm out right now and I'm all fucked up  And you're callin' my phone and you're all alone  And I'm sensing some undertone 

The second you saw him across the crowded club, you knew the months of progress and moving on would be for nothing. He looked better than ever, the tight white shirt he wore complemented his tan skin and made you press your thighs together. Daniel Ricciardo ended things with you 3 months ago because your relationship, though full of love, became extremely toxic; with the two of you constantly going through the vicious circle of arguing and then fucking to make up. It hurt to be without him as you truly believed the two of you were meant to be together but after months without him, you had finally started to believe that you could live without him; that was until you walked into a nightclub and found the Australian sat in the VIP section with two absolutely beautiful women sat either side of him.  

Suddenly you were the 22-year-old girl that met Daniel three years ago, immediately transfixed by him and willing to do anything for his attention. You knew he knew you were there, when Max saw you, he waved and called you over, but you just waved and gestured to the bar, telling him that you were getting a drink. Still living in a post-breakup world, you had gotten especially dressed up for tonight; hoping to find someone who would help you forget about the Formula 1 driver who still had a hold on your heart. You wore a lilac lace minidress that hugged your curves tightly, it was brought for you by Daniel, but you didn’t see the need to throw out a perfectly good dress just because of whose money purchased it. Point was, you looked hot as hell and you knew it too, so you didn’t mind going over to the table your ex sat at, only to talk to Max though of course.  

When he saw you walking over, he felt his mouth get dry and annoyingly, his trousers get tight. He had always loved you in that dress and now that he knew he couldn’t have you, you looked even better. He watched you talk to Max, laughing at all his jokes and batting your pretty little eyes at the Dutchman just like you used to at him. He also watched Max’s eyes watching you, he watched his friend practically eye-fuck his ex-girlfriend whilst he sat across from them. The girls sat next to him were now completely forgotten, all Daniel could focus on was you. When Max went up to the bar to get the next round, Daniel knew this was his chance; he scooted around the table until he was sat next to you and began to whisper in your ear.  

“He wants you, you know”  

You scoffed at your ex-boyfriend's words, you and Max may be flirting a little bit, but that’s all it was, not to mention that it was none of his business who wanted you anymore 

“Well maybe I want him to” You whispered back at him with a smirk, expecting that to knock him down a peg or two but instead you saw him smile back at you before taking a piece of paper out of his pocket and starting to write something down. 

“Yeah sure thing, but if you decide that you want to be fucked by someone who will actually make you cum tonight, heres my new address. I'll be waiting.” He told you before putting the piece of paper in your hands before getting up and walking away from you.  

And I pull up to your place on the second floor  And you're standing, smiling at the door  And I'm sure I've seen much hotter men  But I really can't remember when   

You held the piece of paper containing Daniel’s address in your palms as you paced back and forth outside the door to his apartment. You knew this was a bad idea, but you craved him so badly. You had slept with other people since your relationship ended but none of them compared to the way Daniel made you feel, and you didn’t realize just how badly touch starved you were until Daniel whispered those dirty words in your ear and you felt throbbing coming from between your legs. “Fuck it, it’s fine” You spoke aloud before finally knocking on the door. 

Daniel opened the door with a smirk painted on his face, he knew you would cave and follow him home. Seeing his face almost mocking you made you half want to turn around and walk home but half jump on him and let him fuck you senseless. Deciding on the latter, you walked past him into his home. Before you had a chance to say anything you were pressed up against the now closed front door with Daniel’s hand around your neck. 

“What a silly little whore you are, trying to fuck my best friend right in front of me, and in my favorite dress too” He tutted at you, smirking more when you kept quiet, unsure what to respond to the words he had spoken. 

“Do you really think he could fuck you like I can? Like anyone can fuck you like I can?” he asked you again, now starting to apply pressure to your throat with his fingers, you stayed quiet still saying nothing to the man in front of you. Suddenly you felt a sharp pain on your cheek, Daniel had slapped your face. 

“Answer me pretty girl” 

You could have cum right then and there; the issue with all of the sex you had been having post Daniel is that none of them knew how rough you liked it, and to finally have that feeling of a man stood in front of you getting ready to fuck you silly made your pussy quiver with anticipation. 

“No Danny, nobody can fuck me like you can” you responded, looking up to him through your long lashes, giving him the doe eyes that you know he was never able to resist.  

“You look so pretty babygirl” he spoke, bringing his hand away from your neck to your lips. He used his thumb to push your mouth open slightly, you opened it wider, knowing what he wanted. He spat in your mouth before using his hands to close your lips together again 

“Swallow” he ordered and you did without a second thought. You felt his hands move down your body, coming from your mouth, stopping briefly at your tits before they travelled down even further, eventually ending up between your legs. He pushed up your dress to your waist and sunk down to his knees.  

“Oh new panties sweetheart? Did one of your new fucktoys get you these?” 

“Maybe” you retorted at him, but before you could finish the word Daniel had ripped them off, literally 

ripped them off. He smirked at the sight of your glistening pussy, knowing that he had gotten you to the point of dripping without even touching you. He pushed his fingers through your folds, running his fingertips harshly across your clit before sinking two fingers straight into your core without giving you a second's warning. The involuntary squeal that left your lips only boosted Daniel’s ego, his smirk growing wider than you thought possible. The pleasure that you felt in the first ten seconds of him thrusting his tattooed fingers inside of you was greater than anything you had felt since the pair of you had broken up. Though just as quickly as he had started touching you, he stopped, leaving you a whimpering mess.  

“Such a slut aren’t you, so desperate for my dick” he taunted you, a low chuckle leaving his lips before he picked you up and threw you across his shoulders. 

“Ahh Danny what the fuck?” you asked, genuinely startled as he began to carry you to his bedroom, before throwing you down onto the bed.  

“Dress off” Daniel said, stood in front of where you laid, his eyes dark and focused on you. You thought about fighting him, to at least make it look like you’re not willing to give in to him too easily, to keep some pride; but the look he gave you sent shivers down your spine, you could feel the slickness building up between your thighs, you needed him, pride be damned. And if you thought Daniels eyes where dark and hungry before, it was nothing compared to the way he looked at you he towered over you on his bed. He looked like a man possessed when you slid off your dress, leaving you covered only by a black lace bralette that was swiftly removed by Daniel anyway. You opened your mouth to beg for him to touch you again, but you were swiftly cut off when his mouth crashed against yours, enveloping you in a earth-shatteringly good kiss that sent your mind swirling. The feeling of his lips against yours was one you would never grow tired of. The way his hands laced into your hair and his knee nudged your legs open made it hard for you to understand why you would ever willingly let this go.  

It was only when you started to grind yourself against his knee that he pulled his lips off of you. The way that he looked down at you as you cried out for him was sinful. His messy chocolate brown hair, his swollen lips turned up in smirk, his eyes usually so bright and happy now dark and stormy, full of lust. Every part of him turned you on more than any guy you had ever known.��

“Please Danny” your voice was horse; you were becoming desperate. 

“Please what Babygirl?” he spoke with a chuckle, he loved having you like this, like putty in his hands.  

“Make me feel good” You gave him your best puppy dog eyes, not above trying any trick that would get too closer to cumming. 

Daniel didn’t say anything to your request though, instead he just began pressing kisses on your lips, before slowly bringing his kisses down past your neck and chest, getting closer and closer to the place where you ached for him the most. This process lasted only a few moments, but those teasing moments felt like hours and when his tongue finally found your pussy you honestly felt like you had died and gone to heaven. He licked strips up your slit, savoring the taste of you, the taste that he had missed so much. Your hands found his hair as his lips attached themselves to your clit, the curls wrapping around your fingers as they had done so many times before. The way he sucked at and nibbled your clit made you see stars and you soon felt your first orgasm start to build up, that familiar feeling in your stomach making itself known.  

“Ahh Danny I’m going to cum, please let me cum” you begged him, although if he said no, you weren’t sure you would be able to avoid it anyway.  

“Sure, Babygirl you can cum all over my tongue, do you think Max could make you cum this hard” His words annoyed you, bringing up Max at this point was not necessary but before you could complain to him, he picked up the pace of his tongue and you quickly found yourself reaching climax, a string of profanity falling from your lips as you did so. The sounds you were making were music to Daniel’s ears, sounds that he wished he could hear for the rest of his life. If Daniel’s ego wasn’t big enough already, the way he had you falling apart in just a few minutes made his pride swell. You could walk away from him, pretend that you’d moved on and don’t want him anymore; but it’s him who knows your body better than you do, it’s him who knows exactly how to give you what you need to make your knees weak.  

Once he had made you feel good, he turned his attention to himself. The way you tasted, the way you sounded; you were his kryptonite, and he was becoming so hard that it had started to become painful. His rock-hard dick straining against his jeans made your mouth water, it had been far too long since you had felt the sting of him splitting you in half, and you didn’t want to wait any longer; so, when you saw him reach for his belt you felt your pussy quiver with anticipation. 

“Are you going to let me fuck you baby?” he asked as he began to pull his jeans down, revealing his grey boxers, damp from the way his cock had been seeping with precum. His underwear didn’t last long as they were the next thing to be removed, his length red and angry with how hard it was, how desperate for your touch it was. It had only been three months since you had last had him, but in that time, you had somehow forgotten just how big he was; it made you nervous, but it also made you that much more desperate to have him inside of you.  

“Yes, Danny please fuck me” At your words of conformation, he roughly manhandles you to flip you onto your stomach. You prop yourself up on your hands and knees immediately on instinct; you knew how he liked to fuck you, and you also knew that if you did what he wants than you’re more likely to be allowed to cum around his dick.  

“You’re such a good girl aren’t you baby; you know just how I want you don’t you” His hands fall to your ass, groping it and massaging it; savoring every moment of having you spread out in front of you, for all he knew this could be the last time that he has you like this so he was damn well going take his time.  

“What’s the safe word sweet girl?” he asked you as he runs his hands across your body, wanting to feel all of you.  

“Mclaren, please Danny, just fuck me I need you so bad” 

Without warning he plunges two of his fingers deep inside of you, sending shockwaves of pleasure ringing throughout your body. He pumped them inside of you roughly and without care, the sting from just his fingers stretching your cunt out making your eyes water and you felt that oh so familiar feeling of another orgasm creeping up on you embarrassingly fast, however that was all taken away when Daniel abruptly pulls his fingers out of you, making you whine; feeling empty from the loss of contact. That emptiness didn’t last for long though, because just as soon as he took his fingers out of you, he slammed his cock into you.  

Your cries filled the air and tears began to fall from your eyes as Daniel picked up his pace, still slamming himself inside of you despite your discomfort. His hand reaches around to grab your neck, pulling you up flush against his chest so he can see your face as he continues to wreck you. 

“You look so pretty when you cry you know that, such a pretty little slut” as he speaks his hand finds your clit, rubbing it harshly. The pain starts to subside as you get used to having him inside of you again and it is quickly replaced by insane pleasure. The groans falling from the Australians lips sounds heavenly and you can feel your second orgasm quickly approaching.  

“Don’t you dare cum, not until I say you can” Danny tells you, letting go of your neck and gently pushing your head down to the pillow. He’s fucked you countless times, so he knows your body, he knows the way that your pussy starts to clench when you’re close, he knows that you’ll purposely not say anything to try and get away with cumming even when he’s told you not to. He is an expert in the subject of you, and that’s information that he’ll always keep, regardless of how long the two of you spend apart. He knows you more than anyone ever has, and anyone ever will.  

“Oh, fuck fucking fuck you feel so good babygirl, you’re so tight for me” he said through gritted teeth, still slamming into you with all of his might, drunk on the feeling of you clenching around him, your moans and cries spurring something on in him. He didn’t want to admit it even to himself, but he had missed you more than anything, he had missed the way you feel, the way you taste, the way you sound. Everything about you was perfect and, in that moment, he decided that he would never let you go again. The thought of another man getting to have you like this made him sick to his stomach, the thought of someone like Max getting to hear the whimpers you make when you’re being fucked, it was unbearable. 

It was getting harder and harder for you to hold off your orgasm, Daniel was fucking you like a man possessed and sooner or later you were going to cum whether you were allowed or not, and he knew that, of course he did.  

“I’m so so close Danny, please please let me cum” You were begging, shame and pride had gone out the window when you turned up at his door after three months. 

“Okay baby, cum. I’m close too, I’m going to fill you up, okay? This is my pussy, and mine only” Daniel just about spoke through gritted teeth. The second those words left his mouth though; you were over the edge. The feeling was overwhelming, you couldn’t remember the last time you came so hard. Tears spilt from your eyes as fireworks went off in your lower stomach and your legs began to tremble. 

The combination of the sound of your cries and the feeling of your pussy contract around him had Daniel not far behind you. His hands gripped your hair in a makeshift ponytail as he picked up the pace one last time, fucking you so hard that you genuinely thought he was going to split you in half; his groans getting louder and his breaths getting deeper and more sparce until he spilled out into you.  

~~~~ 

  The morning sun filters through the blinds, casting a warm glow on the tangled sheets, Memories of the night before float hazily in your mind and you catch sight of Daniel sleeping soundly next to you. Truth be told you don’t even remember falling asleep, you must have just crashed after such an intense orgasm. Reaching over to check your phone, you notice multiple messages from your best friend asking where the hell you got to last night. You quickly send a message saying that you were so tired you just went home to sleep, before putting your phone back onto the nightstand and cuddling back up to the man beside you.  

But you never said where or in whose sheets 

#f1 x reader #formula 1 #f1 fanfic #daniel ricciardo x reader #daniel ricciardo #daniel ricciardo smut #f1 smut #formula one smut #daniel ricciardo x you #f1 fanfiction #formula 1 fanfic #formula 1 x you #formula one x reader #f1 fics #f1 imagine

[btsugarush]

RAP SH!T | myg [teaser]

summary: when your boyfriend yoongi starts to get recognition as an underground rapper he gets a little fame hungry, and cheats on you, putting an end to your 6 year relationship. 2 years later your friends beg you to attend a show in los angeles, and guess who's the opening headliner?

pairings: ex boyfriend!rapper!yoongi x f!reader.

warnings: lovers to exes, exes to lovers, smut, dry humping, unprotected sex (wrap that sh!t up), oral (f receiving), soft dom!yoongi, jealous!yoongi, drugs, alcohol, strong language, infidelity, fluff, mini series, 18+, minors dni.

word count: 498

“I thought that was you,” a familiar voice speaks over your shoulder, causing your heart to skip a beat. You turn around, coming face to face with none other than Yoongi himself– or should you say ‘Agust D’. “You really stand out in a crowd.” The corner of his lips tug into a sly smirk.

“Y-Yoongi…” you stutter, almost too tongue tied to speak coherently. You were hoping to not have an encounter with him. Wasn’t finding out that he was performing at the club an ambush to your heart enough? Now here he was trying to converse with you after two years.

You finally find your voice, mustering up something other than his name. “Hey… it’s been a while.” You smile slightly. The bartender hands you your Long Island iced tea and you thank him, taking a sip of the alcoholic beverage. “It has,” His tongue ran over his bottom lip, his eyes never straying from yours; though, the same couldn’t be said for you. “ So, were you fuckin’ with the show?” He asked.

“Oh, yeah! You were great. I’m really happy that your music career took off…” It probably sounded fake, especially since your breakup ended on a bad note, but you truly were happy for Yoongi. He worked hard. He was talented, creative, and simply a musical genius. You always knew that. You just wish it didn’t all get to his head. You could only imagine how much of a player he turned out to be now that his popularity went far beyond live shows at his friend’s basement parties.

“Appreciate that,” he expresses his gratitude. “Would’ve been better if it took off with that special someone though,” These words catch your attention, and you finally hold contact with him, caught off guard by the confession. Your mood had now gone from indifferent to indignant. The look in his eyes is affectionate, soft as he continues on. “Y’know… you’ve been on my mind heavy, y/n. Maybe this is fate–”

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” You blurt out, cutting the ginger short. “This is the first time I see you in two years since our breakup, and suddenly I’m on your mind? Do I look like one of your groupies?” The look on Yoongi’s face was unreadable, but you can tell that he’s taken aback by the outburst. “I refuse to let you reopen a wound that I stitched up long ago.” You hop down from the bar stool you were sitting on, grabbing your purse from the countertop. You don’t even care about your drink anymore.

“Y/n, wait…” Yoongi tries to plead for you to listen, but you’re not that same girl anymore. You moved on; at least that’s what you wanted him to believe. “The show was fun. Have a great night, Yoong– I mean Agust D.”

You leave him at the bar alone as you go on a hunt for your friends. You don’t even spare him a last glance.

#min yoongi fanfic #min yoongi x reader #min yoongi #min yoongi x you #min yoongi x y/n #yoongi min #min yoongi smut #bts min yoongi #min suga #min yoongi fluff #suga min yoongi #bts min suga #suga x you #suga fanfic #suga angst #suga x y/n #bts suga #suga x reader #suga fluff #suga smut #suga x female #yoongi smut #yoongi x y/n #bts yoongi #yoongi #agust d #agust d x reader #agustd #miniseries #bts au fic

[xhmeusworld]

a perfectly good heart | jeon wonwoo

genre: angst, comfort! bf wonwoo, established relationship

pairings: jeon wonwoo x gender neutral reader

warnings: reader is going through a difficult time, mentions of depression, and reader makes a comment about not wanting to exist

word count: 871

note: lately life has just been throwing me for a loop and as a result, i wrote this. i just want everyone to know that you have a purpose in life. regardless of how big or small, it means so much that you are here and my messages are always open to talk.

no one understands another’s pain. not truly.

words and actions can only explain so much, but no matter what someone says, the extensiveness of the pain can not be conveyed. that’s what you thought.

but as jeon wonwoo held you against him, he swore he could feel everything. the pure turmoil and agony. it felt like his soul was on fire, the flames forcing their way out and racing across his limbs.

the shakes that tore through your body and the struggled breaths through the tears made him hold you tighter, wanting to do anything to provide some sort of comfort. some sort of relief to the despair you felt.

instead, he felt helpless. what could he do? did he have the power to do anything? he wanted to tell you that everything you believed about yourself was wrong. he wanted to tell you that your brain was lying. he wanted to tell you so many things, but he wasn’t even sure if you could hear him right now.

your words from earlier rang in his ears.

“life has no set timeline. I understand that. I hear that every single day from so many people and it’s supposed to make me feel better, but it doesn’t. because then I think about it in terms of years and the longer I am floating around without a plan or a goal, the less likely I am to feel connected to everyone around me. I don’t want to be left behind. I don’t want to be the friend that is left alone; still wandering through life while everyone else has careers.”

the future was a scary thought. wonwoo understood that. the unknown of where you could end up in five years was terrifying, especially with no set plan. but sometimes things like this were meant to happen. maybe you were being led onto another path that you just didn’t know about yet.

“and I feel like I’m such a bad friend to literally everyone. i can hardly muster up the courage or energy to speak to some of closest friends. they have reached out, but i just find myself unable to reply and it hurts because i know the despair i’m feeling is my fault. i am so mentally weak. cutting everyone off makes my soul hurt so bad because I don’t want to hurt anyone, but my brain keeps constantly saying over and over that I’m a burden. I’m annoying. if i reach out, I’m taking time away from their lives; interrupting whatever important thing they have going on. and even through all of this, i’m lonely and i’m scared that everyone will forget me. I know none of this is true. I understand that, but god, I feel so weak and helpless.”

wonwoo wanted to scream. it hurt to hear you admit how lonely you felt and he instantly felt guilty himself as a result of his touring schedule, but you were in no way a burden to him or anyone else in your life. you just weren’t. there was absolutely no way you could be to the l people who loved you the most in the world. you weren’t weak or helpless. you were just scared. he wanted to tell you, he wanted to engrain into your head, that fear was normal. nothing was wrong with you being afraid.

“i’m a disappointment to my parents; to everyone that believed in me. I used to be so happy and now I feel incredibly stupid and I’m just filled with regret and anger. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I wish I was one of those people who knew exactly what they are doing with their life, but I’m not and I hate it. instead, i’m here with a void in my heart.”

your voice was thick with tears that you were desperately trying to hold back. wonwoo thought you were going to start sobbing right then, but somehow you managed to keep your composure to talk once again.

“i’m just so ashamed myself. I’m so utterly and truly an embarrassment and a failure that sometimes I’m even afraid to face you.”

that’s when your boyfriend grabbed your face, forcing you to make eye contact with him as he insisted almost angrily that you weren’t a failure. you were doing what was best for you. you were trying to take it one day at a time. there was no shame or crime in that. wonwoo was so proud of his person. so so very proud.

“i see no light or hope at the end of the tunnel right now”

these were the last words you spoke before you fully broke down, burying your face into his chest.

and no matter what you thought, jeon wonwoo could feel your pain and he held you tightly against him, tears streaming down his cheeks as well. his grasp tightened with each one of your sobs in hopes that if he only held on a little stronger, maybe he would be able to put you back together. he kissed the top of your head. he whispered that you were safe and loved and that you weren’t alone.

because he knew it hurt to be alone.

#kpop #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #seventeen #seventeen imagines #seventeen scenarios #svt #svt x reader #seventeen wonwoo #svt wonwoo #svt wonu #jeon wonwoo #wonwoo #wonwoo imagines #seventeen fluff #svt imagines #svt seungkwan #svt dino #seventeen scoups #seventeen dino #seventeen soonyoung #seventeen seungcheol #seventeen mingyu #xu minghao #kim mingyu #kwon soonyoung #seventeen angst #angst #comfort #kpop au

[jpmarvel90]

Love is for Children

Masterlist Nat Masterlist

Relationship: Natasha x Reader

Summary: The Red Room motto of "Love is for Children" could destroy any hopes of Natasha getting the happiness she craves and risks hurting the one person she can't live without.

Word Count: 5031

Y/N’s POV:

I just stood there in shock, silent tears falling down my face. All I could do was watch as my girlfriend turn her back and walked away from me. She no longer loved me. I couldn’t believe it. We had been together for nearly a year; everything was perfect until it wasn’t.

Two weeks ago, Natasha started to become distant to me. We hung out less, we didn’t have any dates and she would come up with excuses to not see me or stay the night.  I finally had enough, and I pulled her into my room ready to confront her. That was the moment my heart was broken into a million pieces, as she stood there and told me that she didn’t love me anymore.

She had no emotion in her eyes as she told me. No sadness, no guilt. When I asked her for how long she mumbled out an “a while”. I considered holding her telling her that it wasn’t true that I could fix it. But I could tell no matter what I did, nothing would change. So, I let her leave, losing the only person I have ever truly loved.

I found it hard to do anything. Over the next couple of days, I shut myself away in my room. Only Wanda, my best friend, would visit to try and encourage me to eat. The others were Natasha’s friends first and I knew they would avoid me. After a week I started training again. It was the only thing I had motivation to do. I would get up early so I could avoid everyone, but mainly Natasha, then work out, grab breakfast and shut myself away again.

One day I had slept through my alarm. I had struggled to sleep, thoughts of everything I did wrong going through my head. I grabbed my training gear and headed to the gym, needing to vent any frustration I had. Lucky no one was in the gym, so I got to work on wrapping my hands. I got in my stance and start hitting combination shots onto the punch bag.

After a while, I was getting intrusive thoughts that I couldn’t shake. Each one causing my anger to grow and my punches to get harder.

“No one will ever love you” PUNCH

“You’re worthless” PUNCH

“Even your friends hate you” PUNCH

“You’re pathetic” PUNCH

“You have no one” PUNCH

This went on, I had faded into trance just hitting the bag repeatedly. I hadn’t even notice that some of the team had come in. I start to hear my name being called, but it wasn’t until I felt a hand on my shoulder I came back to reality. “Y/N stop you’re hurting yourself.” I dropped my fists and turned around to see Steve stood there with a sympathetic look on his face. I dropped my gaze down seeing the blood that had come through the wraps on my hands.

What I didn’t know at this time, was that Steve was shocked at my appearance. Other than Wanda, none of the team had seen me in 2 weeks. I had lost a lot of weight. I no longer had colour in my face, and I had permanent bags under my eyes. “Let me help with those” He said indicating to my fists. I shook my head and turned to walk away, which is when I noticed the rest of the team stood staring at me, including Natasha. I couldn’t bare to look at any of them and I could feel my anxiety rising as I went to rush out of the room. Before I could leave, I felt a hand grab my arm. I turned to face the one person I didn’t want to have anything to do with. “Y/N, are you ok? Please let someone help clean those up for you.” Natasha said with pity in her eyes.

“Am I ok? Are you seriously asking me that right now? Of course I’m not fucking ok Natasha. Just fuck off with your fake concern and leave me alone.” I snatch my arm back and storm out of the training room. My anger was growing, and I knew I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t stay here.

As I get back to my room I jump in the shower and then tend to my hands. I clean them up and bandage them. When I’m done, I grab a bag and throw in my stuff. It’s a sad showing of my life that I could fit everything I own in one duffle bag. Before I leave, I write a note to Wanda.

Wands,

I know that you’ll hate me for saying goodbye like this to you. But I know if I did this face to face you’d manage to convince me to stay. But that is not what is best for me right now. If I stay, I don’t think I’ll survive this pain I’m feeling. The team are better off without me here. Just know that I love you and have always considered you a sister. I can’t thank you enough for everything you have done for me.

Love Y/N

I folded the note and left it on my bedside table. I waited until it was later at night, when I knew everyone would be asleep or in their room, before I headed out of the compound and made my way to Shield HQ.

I waited around knowing that Fury would be in early that morning. Once he arrived, he saw me sat on the couch in the waiting room and called me in before he even got settled. “I have a feeling I know what this is about Y/L/N but what can I do for you?” Fury asked taking a seat behind his desk.

I took a deep breath before starting to talk. “Sir, I’ve been very grateful for the opportunities you’ve given me here at Shield and then with the Avengers. But I don’t think I can be of any use for the team anymore. Therefore, I’d like you to accept my resignation.” I stepped forward and placed my Shield badge and gun on his desk.

He didn’t say a word, he just looked between me and my badge, his hand interlinked on this desk. “You are one of my best Agents Y/L/N, nearly better than Romanoff. There will never be a time that you aren’t of use to us. I don’t accept your resignation.” He said bluntly before turning to his desk.

“But Sir, I can’t do this anymore and if my mind’s not in it then I’m just a danger to everyone.” I argued not wanting to let him dictate this decision. I notice he reached into his draw and pulled out a file, tossing it in my direction. “I have a proposal for you, hear my out and if you still want to resign, I’ll let you leave now.” He bargained. I nodded and took the seat in front of his desk.

“I have a mission, it could be dangerous, but I think it might help in your current ‘situation’.” He paused whilst indicating me to take the file which I took and started to read. “Her name is Sarah. We believe she is a Hydra sleeper agent. She has powers but we haven’t been able to determine what they are.” I nod along reading notes such as her home address here in New York.

“She works in a coffee shop downtown. I need someone to work there and find out as much information as possible. We’ll provide an apartment and get you the job. All you have to do is make coffee and befriend her.” I finish reading the file and look up at him.

“It seems like a pretty easy mission. Surely you don’t need to send me, one of the other agents will be more than capable of doing it.” I respond, waiting for the catch which is sure to come. “If it was a simple information gathering exercise I would, but we think the best way to flush her out will be to expose you as an agent. Cause her to have to go on the offensive.” Fury responds. And there it is, a pretty big catch.

“So, let me get this straight, I work at this café, be nice and make friends, then at a time you say, you’ll leak info on me that will leave me exposed and potentially killed by a woman whose power’s we know nothing about?” I ask, trying to clarify the absurdity of it all. He simple nodded.

“I’m in.” I said without a second thought. I saw a flash of surprise on Fury’s face before it quickly disappeared. “As far as anyone else will be aware, you have resigned from you post with Shield. Only Agent Hill and myself will be aware of you mission. But know that we will do everything to protect you.” Acknowledging what he’s said, I stand up and shake his hand.

He hands me a larger file with all the information I need, including my fake IDs and apartment keys. I walk out of his office to be met by Agent Hill. “Hey Y/N before you leave. I’m glad you’re staying. Though I can’t say I won’t miss your face whilst you’re on this mission.” She chuckles walking me to the elevator. We’re around other agents now and we both put on our acting skills.

“Well Agent Y/N, it’s been an honour working with you. I wish you luck in your future.” She says leaning forward to pull me into a hug. “Stay safe, I promise we’ve got your back.” She whispers in my ear before I enter the lift leaving for the mission.

Wanda’s POV:

I was making my way down to the kitchen for breakfast having returned late last night from a short mission. I was planning on making Y/N and I breakfast for when she had completed her morning training session. I was so worried about her, she was barely eating but training hard in the mornings. She had such a bright a bubbly personality but since her break up with Nat, she had lost her spark.

When I entered the kitchen, the team were already up. “Morning” I say, walking over to the fridge to get out the ingredients I needed. “Hey Wanda, how was your mission?” Nat asked. I furrowed my eyebrows slightly. I was mad at her, she had broken my best friends heart yet she was acting like nothing happened. “Yeah it was fine.” I responded shortly not turning to engage any further.

Before I could start cooking Steve approached me. “Hey, how’s Y/N this morning?” He asked. This was new, no one on the team had asked about her for the last 2 weeks, this was only adding to the anger I felt. “Why, you suddenly care about her?” I respond harshly, I notice the shock in is face straight away. “I-uh, well. I’ve always cared about her. We uh, we all have” He replied stuttering through his words.

“You guys have a funny way of showing it. No one has made an effort with her since Natasha ended it with her. We all knew how much she loved her. She was heartbroken and she needed us.” I almost yelled at him. Before he could respond JARVIS interrupted us. “Director Fury has requested the team’s presence in the meeting room immediately.”

We all made our way into the meeting room taking our seats ready to hear our latest mission. As Fury started to talk, I looked around and noticed that Y/N wasn’t there. “Sorry to interrupt Sir but are we not waiting for Y/N?” I asked slightly concerned.

“No, we are not. I’m here to tell you that two days ago Agent Y/L/N handed in her resignation for Shield…. which I accepted.” There was a silence in the room. I looked over and saw that Nat was trying to hold back tears. “How the hell did you just let her resign Fury, she’s part of this team, we need her.” Tony spat, standing from his seat.

“Clearly she felt otherwise. I hate to lose one of my best agents, but I can’t force someone to stay who was so clearly unhappy. It’s a shame as I’m sure you were all supportive of her over the last few weeks whilst she has been struggling.” There was a sense of a scolding in his last sentence, and I notice the team visibly shrink into their seats.

As soon as the meeting is done, I run out and head straight to Y/N’s room. I open the door and see it now empty. Sitting on her bed, I feel a wave of emotion, I’m so sad that she’s gone, I’m angry that this could have been prevent, but most of all I just miss my best friend. When I stand up to leave, I notice something on her bedside table. It’s a note with my name on it and photo of the two of us.

Sitting down to read it, I no longer can keep my tears in. Gripping the photo tight I sob knowing that I’ll never see her again. She would have left a contact if I she wanted to see me again. I felt the bed dip beside me and a hand reach around my shoulder. I let myself give in for a brief moment before I notice it was Natasha. My sadness suddenly turned to anger.

“What do you want?” I asked harshly. “I just want you to know I’m here for you.” I look up and a rage fills me. “Me, you’re here for me? You are the reason Y/N is gone. She was like family to me, and I’ll never see her again. You never had an ounce of sympathy for her, yet you’ll come here and comfort me. No thank you!” I yell shooting up from the bed wanting to get away from her.

“Wanda please wait.” Natasha is persistent and grabs a hold of my arm. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want her to leave.” She says quietly, not matching my tone. “You’re kidding me right. What did you think would happen? That she would just get over you and go back to being herself. She loved you Natasha, she gave you everything and yet you strung her along breaking her heart. For what? Was it just some sick game to you? Did you get some kick out of playing with her heart like that?” I yelled again. I can feel my eyes start to turn red with anger. 

“Hey, Wanda it was not like that. I didn’t break up with her because I was done playing with a toy!” Nat responds harshly getting closer as her own anger grew. “Then why did you leave her?” I challenge. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”. I stood there in silence, completely shocked. “I’m sorry, you left her because you love her? That’s crazy, even for you Nat.” I sarcastically chuckle. I’m completely confused.

“I was taught that love is for children. I thought that feeling that emotion made me weak. So, I started to distance myself from her, not sure what to do before deciding it was best for both of us if I ended things. I hated seeing the pain it caused her. I thought that with time she would see it was for the best.” She hung her head in shame.

“Look Nat, I know that you were conditioned to believe things when you were in the Red Room. But this, this is one of the biggest bits of bullshit I’ve heard. You have seen how love is not a weakness. Am I weak for loving Vision? Was Steve for loving Peggy?” I asked. She shook her head still unable look at me.

“Did leaving her make you stronger?” I probed further trying to get her to understand that her belief was wrong. Again, she shook her head. “It made me feel lost.” She whispered and I noticed tears start to fall from her eyes. I had never seen Nat cry before. I pulled her to me in a hug and rubbed my hands up and down her back.

“Hey Nat, I’m sorry for yelling. I was angry. I just really miss her.” I say softly. “No, I deserved it. You’re right, it’s my fault she’s gone. Now there is nothing that I can do to bring her back and make things right.” I just held Nat close letting her cry. She was already beating herself up enough, she didn’t need me to add to that. But she was right. It was too late. We had lost Y/N for good.

Nat’s POV:

It’s been 4 months since Y/N has left. The compound feels empty without her. I was such an idiot forever letting her go. In truth I was just scared, scared of getting hurt so I hid behind my stupid beliefs from the Red Room.

I will never forget the look on her face when I told her I didn’t love her anymore or the day in the gym where she had punched herself into a frenzy unable to stop. Her knuckles bloodied and bruised. The way she tore her arm away from me believing I wasn’t concerned for her.

These last months have been hard, the whole team is feeling her loss. She was such a happy person to be around. She would enter a room and everyone would instantly cheer up. She was like out own personal ray of sunshine. Some how Wanda has forgiven me. Her and Y/N were like sisters to each other. I hate that my actions have also caused pain to Wanda.

I have tried to find her. But she’s gone off the grid. The only evidence I have of her is the day after she handed in her resignation. Since then, nothing. No credit card uses, no matches on the CCTV facial recognition. She’s just vanished and that’s what scared me the most. She was that hurt she never wanted to be found.

It was a quiet day in the compound, and I was just about to make my way to training. As I do every day, I pass what was Y/N’s room and stop for a moment before head out to the gym. Whilst grabbing a water from the kitchen JARVIS calls us in for a meeting with Fury.

“Anyone know what this is about?” I ask, taking my seat next to Wanda. “Well, the whole team is here so he can’t be announcing a resignation.” Tony responded darkly. Both Wanda and I shot him a look and he held his hands up in defence.

Fury entered with a solemn look on his face. “Thanks for meeting so quickly. Let’s begin.” It was odd for Fury to thanks us, he rarely did, especially something so trivial. This must be bad. I take out my notepad and pen ready to take notes.

“A few months ago we sent an Agent to monitor and extract this woman. Sarah Petrov, who we believed was a Hydra sleeper agent. Our Agent went undercover working at the same coffee shop to gather intel before their real identity was revealed.” He stopped when he was interrupted by Steve. “Hang on, so you’re saying that you purposely were going to leak that they was a Shield Agent?” he asked perplexed.

“Yes, we didn’t know what her powers were and we though the best option was, once we had collected enough information, to create a leak which we could control and be able to apprehend the Hydra Agent. Once we could confirm that she was in fact who we thought she was, we would send in a team and extract both her and the Agent.” He paused for a moment. Again, something he doesn’t often do.

“Let me guess. It didn’t go to plan? Which his not surprising considering it was pretty much a suicide mission for the Agent!” Steve interrupted again. I noticed Fury’s fist tighten, he felt guilt, it would explain his current demeanour. Any other circumstance he would have called Steve out.

“Our Agent was found out and we sent in a team, however, Sarah proved too strong. She had powers similar to you Wanda, just not as strong. Our team was pushed back, and Sarah got away with Y/-the agent. We know their location but it’s too risky for us to send a Shield team in to get them.” Fury explains.

“So, you want us to infiltrate the base rescue the Agent and also apprehend this Sarah?” Steve clarifies. Fury simply nods in acknowledgement. Something does feel right, he’s somehow personally involved with this. “Who’s the agent?” I ask. There’s a long silence where Fury refuses to make eye contact with any of us. “Fury, I said who’s the agent?” I asked again growing frustrated.

“It’s Y/N.” There is a stunned silence. The whole team looking at each other. “But you told us she resigned.” Wanda challenged. “I did, it was best for the mission.” Fury said defending himself. “I think you need to tell us the truth here Fury.” Tony said angrily tapping the table.

“Y/N did come and hand in her resignation. I refused to accept as I knew she would be perfect for this mission. I asked her to hear me out. If she still wanted to resign after hearing about the mission, I said I’d let her go. She agreed and only Agent Hill and myself knew about it.”  Fury clarified, much to the annoyance of the team.

“Why was she perfect for the mission Fury?” I asked, angry that all this time I was looking for her, he knew where she was. “Because she wasn’t afraid if she were to get hurt, she felt like she had nothing left. Like Steve said it’s a suicide mission.” Tony said sadly. I could feel my heart breaking all over again.

“So, you’re telling me, that you used her vulnerability to get her to sign up to a mission that was more than likely going to get her captured of killed? I mean no other agent in their right mind would have accepted that mission! You let her emotional state dictate her commitment to Shield.” I started to yell raising from my seat, until I felt Wanda grasp my arm.

“I promised we would protect her. I got this wrong, I know this is on me. But we needed to ensure we got Sarah to save lives. Sometimes you have to make the tough decisions for the better good.” Fury defended right back.

“You don’t get to decide that Y/N’s life is worth less than another Fury!” I shouted in complete disbelief. “Nat, I know you’re angry, but this isn’t going to help save Y/N. We need a plan and then we’re going to get her back.” Steve says calmly taking control. “That’s assuming there is even anyone left to save.” I whisper, but I know the team can hear it.

After we devise a plan we race to suit up and head to the quinjet to infiltrate the base. “Ok here’s the plan one more time. Tony, you’re going to scan for any thermal signatures whilst we clear any enemies from outside, as quietly as we can. I we make too much noise then we know that they’ll kill Y/N. Once we have confirmed the numbers on the inside, Wanda and Nat you will enter from the East entrance, your primary objective is to find Y/N. Bucky and I will enter from the West to get Sarah. Clint, you’ll provide us cover for our return to the jet. We are not here to blow this base, it’s too risky. Our priority is getting Y/N and Sarah. Once we have them, we go.” We all nod in agreement as we arrive at our location.

We make our way through the wooded area taking out the Hydra agents quietly. Once completed we wait in position for Tony to confirm what we will be facing when we enter the building. “Scans show there to about 60 people inside. Nat and Wanda, when you’re in, stick to the rooms on the left, I think I can identify a prisoner but I’m not 100% sure. When you’re ready it’s time to go.” Tony confirms

On Steve’s mark we go, running in blasting our way through the entrances. Wanda takes down most of the agents coming in our direction whilst I check every room that we come across. They’re all empty and my frustration is growing. After a while Steve calls out on comms that they have Sarah and are making their way back to the jet. 

My optimism drops with ever room we check until we come to a locked re-enforced steel door. Wanda uses her magic to open it before standing guard on the door. I run in and see Y/N tied to a chair. “Y/N, can you hear me?” I ask running over to her. I can see she has taken a bit of a beating and has a stab wound to her stomach. “Y/N it’s me, it’s Nat. Wake up for me.” I shake her gently causing her to stir. “Urgh, Nat is that you? I must be dead.” She groans and I start to untie her from the chair.

“Wanda I’ve got her.” I call out. Before I know it, she runs in throwing her arms around Y/N. “Thank God you’re alive. Don’t you ever do that to me again!” She shouts trying to be angry, but I can tell she’s just relieved. “I can carry her if you’re ok to protect us?” I ask lifting Y/N up bridal style. “Of course. Let’s get out of here.”

We manage to get out pretty easily with Wanda able to deal with any attacking agents with ease. Once we’re back on the jet I lay Y/N down on the medical gurney whilst Wanda grabs the first aid kit. I grab Y/N’s hand and look into her eyes. “You need to stay with me ok. You’re going to be fine. We’ll patch you up and get you back home.” Looking at her in her vulnerable state I have all these things that I want to say.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I was scared, terrified that loving you was going to get us hurt, that love was something only for children…” I clutched on to her hand with both of mine, tears streaming down my face as Wanda tended to her wounds.

“Natasha, I don’t think this is the right time.” Y/N speaks out between winces of pain. “Now is the perfect time. The moment I found out you left was the moment I realised that I am weak without you. That your love made me feel invincible as long as I had you by my side. I know that I can’t take back the pain I caused you when I walked away. But I can promise you that I never fell out of love with you. I saw you as the person that I would spend the rest of my life with, to have a family with. But I found out too late and I had already lost you. I spent every day trying to find you again, so I could tell you the truth, to make things right. Please Y/N, give me a chance to make this right.” I speak so quickly scared that she won’t hear everything that I have to say, hoping that she will see that I am genuine and love her more than anything in this world.

There is a silence as Wanda starts to stitch up the stab wound on Y/N abdomen. I can see the pain it is cause so I squeeze her hand tighter letting her know that I’m there. “Nat…” she strains out. I wait, terrified of the rejection I know is coming my way. “uh, Nat, I wish you would have talked to me. Ahh,” She stops taking a deep breath as Wanda apologies. “I’m sorry Y/N almost done.” She waits until the last stitch is completed and carries on.

“Whilst I was gone, I was so angry at you, but I was most angry at myself. Angry that no matter how much you had hurt me, I still loved you. But I don’t know if I can put my heart on the line again. I won’t survive it breaking again.” Her own eyes are now starting to fill with tears. I carefully wipe them away from her bruised cheeks.

“I promise, I will never break you heart again. Let us start over, we can go on dates, get to know each other again. We’ll take it slow. You have always been the one to take care of me, to show me the love you had for me. Let me do that for you now. Let me prove how much love I have for you.” I am practically begging her at this point. I thought I had lost her forever, but now she is back in front of me I can’t lose her again.

“Ok.” She whispers out. “Ok?” I clarify. “One last chance Romanoff. But I swear if you break this heart again….” “I won’t, I promise. I will protect your heart for as long as mine beats.” I smile through my tears so happy to have her back. “If you break her heart again Nat, I promise I will kill you.” Wanda says, her eyes tinted with red. I gulp as Y/N lets out a chuckle.

“Kiss me” she says, looking me directly in the eye. I carefully hold her face in my hands, taking in her beautiful features once more. Leaning down I gently lock our lips together. It is a tender kiss that has so much meaning. So much love and forgiveness. As I pull away, I rest my forehead against hers. “I promise you Y/N Y/L/N that I will spend every day earning your forgiveness and showing you how much I love you.”

#natasha romanoff #natasha #romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x y/n #natasha romanoff fanfiction #marvel #avengers #avengers fanfiction #marvel fanfiction

[zxvak47]

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WEDDING DAY , simon “ghost” x fem reader

(suffocating in fluff > <!!)

very rushed, I’m tired and it’s 4hr30am so gn!

WARNINGS: none! happy crying!

↳

R/N rarely cried. Not that she wasn’t sensitive or cold blooded she just learned out to manage her emotions. Today was an important day for both y/n and Simon. Not once did she believe she would be getting married to such a man. A man who was hurting but kept it together, for her. “Love sucks when you’ve got a broken heart” the both of you have been through hell and back, and through some but managed to keep it together throughout the last three years.

R/N’s father had passed away, and when he did she was just little, and not knowing the rest of her brought her to wonder just how this day would play out. No family, an orphan who wasn’t so alone anymore. She didn’t know who would walk her down the isle till Simon somehow brought up the conversation with none other than Price. He knew Price and her had such a bond together that a father and daughter could only understand.

Asking him to do it felt like a challenge for Simon. Everyone knew Simon wanted the best for his Fiancé, and if he had to push himself out of his own boundary for her he would do it without any question.

-

She was beautiful to Simon. Her dress in an off white, sticking perfectly to each and every curve. Everyone was in awe at her beauty. Her arm was now being linked with Prices arm, smiling as he did so.

“Come on love” He said, watching the girl tear up with every peaceful stride down the isle.

R/N smiled when she saw Simon. His tuxedo all black and justifying his muscles subtly. Of course they made their own rules, his balaclava was on at the beginning. He took it off once R/N’a veil was flipped, and there it began.Words were given from the man who would be marrying the couple, till Simon grabbed R/N’s hands into his. His hands were calloused, but none the less felt comforting in the stress and unity of the moment.

He couldn’t stop his gaze from staying out on the bride, and R/N couldn’t help but look into those beautiful eyes of his. It got to the point where staring made everything distorted as if no one else in the room was there except them.

The two were now told to share one another’s vows.

“Simon, if everything I wanted to say about you was put on this piece of paper I’d be reading till my jaw was in pain and till my lungs give out. You had caught me at a bad place three years back and I couldn’t thank you enough for just being there with me. Though neither you or I have truly been happy with our lives and how we chose to live them, just know…you have shaped me to finally become happy with how I live my life and to keep living my life. I’ll always choose you, you’ll never be a second option, you are my second half. Simon, I love you… you are who has shaped me to who I am and who I will keep being. I hope you stay long enough to live this joy out with me till the day I die.”

R/N couldn’t bring herself to look around the room. The sniffling of the congregation, of her and Simon’s friends told the answer. The girl couldn’t even look at Simon till she felt it was necessary. He wasn’t crying, but you could tell the tears in his flooded waterline was sooner or later going to explode.

“R/N, not most people see me to be the kind of guy to do a lot of things because of how I act. I’ve been told how I behave or what kinds of decisions shape who I will and have become. I don’t believe them anymore, being scared simply what others think. This is a decision I made, and it’s one of the best decisions I have made. Where we are today, standing here together is what I believe is confidence, because you motivate me to be that guy who is confident. Our lives aren’t perfect but putting the past in it’s place and creating new memories to override the old ones is a once in a lifetime chance. I wouldn’t give up to make new memories with anyone else but you. I love you, R/N.”

At this point with the copious amount of crying R/N did, her makeup was running. There wasn’t a point in fixing it or trying to because the tears wouldn’t stop. Simon raised a hand to wipe her tears and try and fix R/Ns makeup with a quick wipe under her eyes, but to no avail did the makeup look a little bit better.

Already holding hands, more words were spoken about both of there vows till rings had to be exchanged. His ring was all black and custom made for Simon. You made sure it was military grade and would never bend while doing his job. Simons ring to you was so beautiful almost everyday for the last year you got compliments about its beauty. The diamond wasn’t too big but you liked how dainty it was, held in place by the bands hooks. It really wasn’t how big the diamond is it’s the reason it was picked and the thought of it being on your finger till being parted by death.

“R/N, Do your take Simon Riley to be your husband?” The wedding officiant asked looking at you as you immediately shook your head yes, followed by an “I do”

“Simon, do you take R/N L/N to be your wedded wife?” His smile was so pure, one I didn’t see all too much but today was a day where I knew there truly was love pouring throught both of us.

“I do.”

ⓒzxvak47

#cod x reader #call of duty x reader #cod x you #cod fanfiction #cod #call of duty mw2 #cod mwii #cod fanfic #cod fandom #cod ghost #simon riley x reader #ghost cod #ghost x reader #simon ghost x you #simon ghost x reader #simon ghost riley

[the-gayest-show]

It's a little disheartening to see people disrespecting Molly's decision to sacrifice what she had with Scratch in order for him to have his life back. I’m not sure if detractors of the series finale truly understand Molly as a character.

Literally the thoughts in my head! I'd seen a couple of those posts and thought to reply to them somehow but couldn't figure out a way to get to all of them, so this ask should do it...

The message has been there the whole time. In Libby's exposition, she mentions the quote from maya angelou: "What is a fear of living? It's being preeminently afraid of dying. It is not doing what you came here to do, out of timidity and spinelessness. The antidote is to take full responsibility for yourself - for the time you take up and the space you occupy. If you don't know what you're here to do, then just do some good." I believe this sums up scratch's arc and molly's (i will get into it later) to a T. He shut himself off from the world for years before molly met him, and was very afraid to take risks or do anything new (this is seen in episodes like All Systems No, where the whole point is scratch literally saying no to things and molly always saying yes to things). And probably other s1 and s2 episodes but none are actively on my mind rn. Him leaving to take risks was practically necessary, living out his life IS necessary because he couldn't bring himself to do so before but now he can.

Scratch needed to do something. We find out he's a wraith and then what? He can't just live outside his body knowing full well that he has a body and knows of its existence! I guess the main point argued was that he didn't have to be scrubbed of memory... I'd like to bring up a tweet that involves Bill's reasoning for choosing this path https://twitter.com/InevitablyBill/status/1746595852138008750 (it's a thread btw, take a read, i love it so much!). At the end of the day, imagine this: he goes into his human body, stays with the mcgees... maybe he meets adia... but isn't the whole point that he knew adia for years, even as a child, and wanted to come with her, but his anxiety/depression always got the better of him? Isn't the whole point that he needs to leave, he can't stay forever! You could argue "he fit so perfectly fine with the mcgees! it makes their friendship pointless like this!" but the real question of the day is: why do you think he isn't a mcgee anymore? just because he forgot them (define forgot since he subconsciously remembers stuff)? family is forever. It's in your soul! I've met some wonderful people (adults and kids alike) that have semi-made me into the person I am today. Chosen family comes and goes, sometimes it stays a while and then leaves. I still feel sad for losing touch with people I thought would stay forever...But that DOES NOT make it any less worthwhile. It's what molly said: "If you don't remember me, at least you'll remember that." The things he learnt weren't erased. He didn't "forget them", not really. Because if he did he'd be right back at square one, being all "I don't need friends!" and "Being good's for suckers!" and now that would make everything pointless.

Molly has trauma. Valid point, but I raise you this: She chose to let go. She fully understood the risks even as scratch pointed them out, and despite everything. Just as easily she could've said that it was ok and he didn't have to go back, but she didn't.

This show is heavily grounded in reality for something based on silly ghosty adventures. Why can't someone leave? Because of plot? Shit happens anyways, trauma or no trauma, and if anything, molly isn't alone. Molly originally clung to scratch as a forever friend because she didn't want to be alone. She isn't alone now though! She's got Libby! She's got Ollie and June! She's got Geoff as well (technically), so she's not completely done for!

#posts #asks #tgamm #i kinda procrastinated posting this lollll #if i forgot a point i'll edit the OG post but anyways i cant let this mf sit in the drafts for like 5 days

[cljordan-imperium]

HEADS UP 7 UP

I was tagged again by @late-to-the-fandom

I'm leaving this one open tag because I'm not sure how many other people like tag games. I need to update my list.

This is the last 7 sentences (+the rest of that para) written on the piece I'm doing 2nd Rewrite on

“This is not the last time that I am sure there will be upset amongst us.  Since ascending to the throne here in Imperium, I have faced a constant stream of activity, from almost being dead to wanting to kill my ex.  Please no one despair that your first day here has hit a bump.” Abriella stood tall with her shoulders back.  This was the queen that those who had been living in Imperium with her for the past few years had come to know very well.  “We are more than friends here in the Palace, we are family.  And family,” she looked to Adriel before her gaze slid to Lucifer, then Deacon, and finally rested with an affectionate smile coming to her lips on Cruz and Div who was standing next to him now after hearing the commotion when Yael had become upset, “family works things out, even if it takes a little time.  None of you are alone anymore to face whatever it was in your pasts that brought you here.  This realm may have started off as Hell, but now it is an inbetween where all can find peace and rest.”  That was what Cruz and Abriella had truly turned Imperium into, with the darker parts of the former Hell realm being cast down into the “Lower Hell” of Caligo. 

Imperium Chronicles Tag - @writingpotato07 @ceph-the-ghost-writer @careful-pyromancer @saltysupercomputer

#the imperium chronicles #heads up 7 up #tag game #writeblr #writeblr game #my oc's #my writing

[strawwritesfic]

Steve Rogers x Reader: Enlightened

Summary: The ending of one story only leads into the beginning of another.

Rating/Warnings/Tags: T (cemeteries; funerals; grief; mourning; Man Out Of Time!Steve; post-Avengers (2012); pre-Captain America: The Winter Soldier; mild language; Dugan!Reader; meet-cute)

Challenge: "120 Bits of Random" challenge by SugarLandBabyGirl on Lunaescence Archives.

Tag List: @imaginesfire​

Enlightened

Another day, another graveyard, another difficult-to-sit-through ceremony. Steve might have missed most of his old friends’ funerals while he slept under several feet of snow and ice, but he was making up a lot of lost time now. It felt to him as though not a single weekend passed that didn’t find him driving his motorcycle somewhere in the continental U.S. to visit the tombstone of someone he had known once upon a different time.

He could have–should have–taken the opportunity to properly mourn those he had lost, but he was far too busy. After all the pomp and circumstance wrapped up, reporters thronged around him, ignoring the true hero newly buried in order to ask Steve questions.  Then there were family members that wanted to express gratitude for what he had done seventy years ago (or anger at the crowd of reporters that followed him like a cloud of flies), and onlookers that requested autographs. No matter what someone wanted, Steve didn’t know how to refuse. He often remained at the cemetery long after he was schedule to be there.

He didn’t think that night would be any different. Frantic for some alone time, he waved off his few hangers-on. The distant sounds of car doors slamming and limousines driving away filled the air as Steve walked slowly through the trees in a winding path he could barely see through the orange light of sunset.

It pained him to think that he should have been buried there, too. He was starting to get used to living seventy years after he’d last been awake, but visiting his past didn’t help him with accepting his own continued existence. Fury said Steve could be a massive asset in the present day; after the Battle of New York, Steve couldn’t deny that. 

But he also could not deny that he missed the Howling Commandoes more than he could articulate to anyone he knew. Clint would try to sympathize. Tony would probably laugh. Natasha would listen, then promptly sign Steve up for a month of psychiatry evaluations. None of that sounded appealing, so Steve kept his feelings to himself.

As he mulled over his continued loneliness, he heard sniffling. He came to a halt beside the grave he had come to visit that very day. No one was there. A few  seconds later, he heard the noise again. Someone was definitely crying in the near vicinity.

“Hello?” he called into the little alcove of bushes nearby. “Is anyone there? Are you okay?”

Someone out of sight whispered “shit.” Before he could hastily try to patch the awkward moment over, a person he didn’t recognize wandered out of the shadows, red-eyed and looking sheepish. 

Steve wracked his brains as the two of you stared at each other, but no. He truly couldn’t remember seeing you anywhere before. Were you there for a burial being done elsewhere on the grounds? Had he interrupted your mourning? 

You smiled into the awkward silence. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Steve frowned. “Are you all right? Are you lost? There’s nothing going around here anymore. I can help you find your way back, if you want.”

Your smile grew a little wider, more genuine, but altogether you looked even sadder than when you’d first stumbled into the open. “No, I’m in the right place. I came to say goodbye to my grandpa.”

“Your–” Steve glanced at the tombstone than back to you.

“Yeah. Timothy ‘Dum-Dum’ Dugan. He was a good man.”

“I know. I worked with him back during World War II.”

“You worked with–” Your mouth fell open. “But that means–you must be…”

“Captain Steve Rogers,” said Steve. He offered you a hand, and you took it.

“Wow,” you breathed. “Grandpa always said the sun shone out of your ass. Never stopped talking about how great you were, or what a shame it was they lost you.”

“Not too big a shame. They won the war just fine without me.”

“I think it was more you they missed than all the heroics. Grandpa only died two weeks ago,” you added in a quieter voice. “He kept saying you’d get around to visiting him sooner or later.”

“I–”

“Don’t apologize. He understood you were busy. After everything that happened in New York, it’s nice that you made time to come all the way out here to see him off. I’m [F Name] [L Name], by the way.”

“Nice to meet you,” said Steve.

You wandered past him to give the gravestone a pat. Another few sniffles punctuated the silence. Steve wondered if you didn’t mean for him to slip off silently while your back was turned. Unsure, he loitered there until you turned to face him again.

“Well,” you tried to laugh the word, but it came out wet, “I’ll let you get back to your hero stuff. Sorry I interrupted.”

Steve nodded. After a last wipe of your sleeve across your eyes, you flashed him a final grin before you wandered back up the path. 

Silence rang in the air once you walked away. Steve looked from the name engraved in front of him, to your rapidly-disappearing silhouette, back again, and back once more. Only then did it occur to him that the past wasn’t completely gone. It still existed in relics, in those who had known his old friends...

...but one of those people would soon be exiting Steve’s life as quickly as they had come into it.

“[Name]!” he called, rushing after you. 

You paused and looked over your shoulder at him. 

“Do you want to go to dinner? We could talk about your grandfather. And anything else that might come to mind.”

Slowly, another, warmer smile spread across your face. “I’d love that.”

#fan fic #straw writes #reader insert #second person pov #ficlet #challenge fic #captain america #steve rogers #avengers #marvel #mcu #captain america x reader #captain america x you #captain america x y/n #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x y/n #marvel x reader #marvel x you #marvel x y/n #mcu x reader #mcu x you #mcu x y/n #avengers x reader #avengers x you #avengers x y/n

[abbatoirablaze]

The Understudies, Season 1, Chapter 7

Word Count:  1.6k

Warnings:  manipulation, jealousy, angst

“How could he-he never even looked!” Luthor growled, glaring at the pile of packets that he’d been sending since he was put on the moon, “He never-“

But he cut himself off, his depression getting the better of him as he realized how little his father actually cared about the work that he’d put in for him.  At the door, Dani scoffed.  His jaw clenched as he shot her a glare, “what are you still doing here, you jackal?  Diego is already gone an-“

“Dad didn’t give a fuck about any of us!” she pointed out, eyes glued to the floorboards, “bet you the whole floor in this room has your shit stuffed under it!”

“Leave me alone, Dani!”

Her jaw twitched but she shrugged, “I was just trying to be there for you, Luthor…no one else gives a damn. That you’re over here, losing your mind.  Allison is out with Bri…everyone else is moving on with their lives.  Does that hurt?  Do you get upset knowing that you’re the only one that truly wants to make a difference?  That truly gives a damn!”

“Go away, Dani!”

“Why them, huh?” she asked suddenly, her own anger getting the better of her, “why did you want to be attached to Allison and Bri?”

“What does any of it matter?”

“Because you’re still trying to show off for them,” she hissed, “you’re trying to win over two women who don’t give a damn about you, just like you always wasted your time on dad!  You wasted how  many years of your life giving in to his demands, because you’re number one!  You let Allison get away.  Then when you had Bri in your arms, you pushed her away because you were so in love with space that you couldn’t deal with being at home anymore!”

“I don’t give in to when women berate me like Diego is, if that’s your goal, Dani!”

Dani paled, “What?”

“You manipulate and control people!  That’s your game.  You did it to Bri for years when we were kids!” he pointed out, “I saw it.  Everyone saw it.  You showed your true colors when we were teenagers.  I saw what you did to Diego.  How you pulled him out of the Umbrella Academy without a second thought…how you filled his head and manipulated him like you did to Bri once she was with Ben.  You’re a snake.  But you won’t be getting into my head.  You won’t manipulate me.  I see right through you!  If you want to ride someone’s junk, go find another sibling.  I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole and you know it!”

She sucked in her cheeks, her retorts and wit clearly thrown off by the fact that she’d been stood up to by number one in what she considered his weakened emotional state.  And without a second word, she turned on her heel and stormed out of the room. 

But number one was seething below the surface.  Dani had gotten to him, and while he didn’t outwardly display it, she had made it so that he felt inadequate, and needed answers from his father.  And in his case, there was only one way to get it now.

Klaus.

“I SAID DO IT DAMN IT!”

“DO what?” Klaus asked, looking at the obviously upset man standing in front of him.  He was drunk, holding a bottle of liquor as he stared at him, “what on earth are you talking about, Luthor?”

“Get.  Him!”

Klaus’ brow furrowed, before finally lifting, “what?  Dad?  I-I can’t ju-“

Luthor rushed him, his large hands dropping the booze only to grab onto Klaus’ throat and tighten around it, “you little shit! DO IT!”

“You think I haven’t tried?” Klaus squeaked as he pushed Luthor away, “OF COURSE I TRIED!  ALRIGHT!  God knows I’ve tried.  But he is as he was in life…he’s a stubborn prick!”

“He needs to answer for what he did!” Luthor pointed out.  He pointed up into the air, his eyes wildly searching for answers in the brother who had none, “for sending me up there!  I sacrificed everything for him!  MY ENTIRE LIFE!  I gave up being with Allison.  I gave up being with Bri!  I never left this house.  I never had any friends.  AND FOR WHAT?  FOR NOTHING!”

Luthor collapsed into the small love seat, tears beginning to stream down his face.  Klaus’ eyes went wide.  He’d never seen Luthor be anything short of the leader, the man with a plan.  But the Luthor sitting in front of him, crying his eyes out was not that; he was a broken man.

“Hey…no…no…hey,” Klaus tried, as he placed himself beside Luthor, his hand tapping on the larger man’s shoulder, “just…just relax okay? Jus-just relax.  I mean, I can try again.  I mean, I can’tpromise that I’m clean enough, but-just-hey, come on!  Hey! Hey!  Come on!”

Luthor reached down, swiping up the bottle from the floor, only to take a long swig.  Klaus was quick to try to swipe it out of his hands, “Hey, that’s enough of that.  Come on!  Come on.  Chin up there, big guy!”

“It’s okay,” Luthor huffed, falling quickly into a depression, “just go, Klaus.  You don’t need to be here for me.  No one ever was!”

“Come on, let’s just go find the others,” Klaus suggested, “I’m sure that they can help you.  Let’s find Allison…or Bri!”

“NO!” Luthor said quickly, his eyes snapping to Klaus’ “I don’t want them.  I don’t want them to see me like this.  Besides, I know I’ve just been holding them all back.  You guys are the important ones that do the important things!”

“What are you talking about?” Klaus asked.  He hit his brother’s chest, “come on!  You’re our number one, remember?  Oh captain, my captain!  Remember?  Yeah!  Right!”

Luthor looked at him in silence for a moment, before breaking down into tears again, this time against Klaus’ shoulder.

“Oh Luthor!”

“You know, Diego was right,” he whimpered, “dad sent me up to the moon because he couldn’t stand the sight of me…of this.  Of what he had to do to me!”

“No…no no no,” Klaus disagreed, “that’s not…it…damn it, dad was such an asshole, right to the very end.  You know…if there’s anything else…that I can do or-“

“I want to be like you!” Luthor said quickly, “I want to do whatever it is that you do!”

Klaus immediately began to shake his head, “no…no, no..you do no-“

“Yeah!” he said quickly again, “I do!  I want to be like you, number four!”

“No…absolutely not!”

“Come on Klaus,” Luthor urged, “cause you know…you’re always so carefree.  I want to be what you are.  I want to do what you do!”

“No.”

“I want to be number four!”

“Trust me,” he sighed, “you do not want to be anywhere near what I am.  You do not want that, Luthor.  You’re number one!”

“I do!” he said firmly, standing up.

“You do not want that, Luthor!” he said in response as he began to follow his much larger brother in an attempt to stop him, “what you need is to just lay down and sleep it off.  I can call Bri and she’ll be here to tuck you in, and Allison can he-“

“No!”

“You’ll feel much better in the morning, after you’ve slept off the boo-“

“If you won’t help me, I’ll just do it myself!”

Klaus tried stopping him, “WHAT?  No, Luthor, I can’t let you do that!”

He went to grab Luthor but was shoved away.  He landed on his ass, and slid halfway down the length of the room, a squeak pushing it’s way from his chest as he was surprised at just how easily Luthor separated himself from Klaus.

“Oh shit!” he sighed when he heard the door slam, letting him know that Luthor had indeed left without him.  He bit his lip, unsure on whether he should alert his siblings first or follow number one.  Deciding on the former option, and wanting to retain what little of his sobriety he had left, he ran upstairs to his father’s office to find the only phone in the house.

Dot stared at the identical woman in front of herself.  She looked slightly older, and more like Bri than her own form, which still looked like she was seventeen from when she’d almost died and it had stopped her aging. 

“Lila, I’d like you to meet Delores,” the handler said with a tight-lipped smile, “your sister…well, one of them…”

Lila scoffed, her eyes shifting quickly back to the handler and away from her sister, “clearly she hasn’t done much!”

But the handler only smiled, “I wouldn’t say that.  Even after the world ended, she managed to avoid it.  Her and your sisters…”

Lila raised a brow, “really?”

“Wait…five was right?”

An alarm above the women sounded and the handler looked at Lila, “I’ll leave you two girls to talk…I should go…sort this out.”

“What are you-“

“Don’t question her!” Lila said quickly, “she knows what she’s doing…lets…talk…”

“I don’t know what there is to talk about?” Dot responded dryly, unsure of the angle her newly found sibling was getting at.

“Well, how about the reason why our parents let Bri and Dani get adopted by Reginald Hargreeves,” she smirked, “or why they kept us together until they were three, then abandoned you in Canada when your powers manifested and we destroyed the city block we lived on…or perhaps why our parents were murdered and the handler decided to save me and then try to track each of us down, only to find the three of you already with the Academy…”

“H-how do you know all of that?”

“We have a lot to talk about…sis!” Lila smirked as she offered Dot the seating area, “sit down and lets have a nice little chat.”

Chapter 8

#the umbrella academy season 1 #the umbrella academy #umbrella academy #dark horse comics #number 1 #number 2 #number 3 #number 4 #number 5 #number 6 #number 7 #lila #luthor hargreeves #spaceboy #diego hargreeves #the kraken #the understudies #allison hargreeves #the rumor #the seance #klaus hargreeves #hazel #cha cha #five hargreeves #the boy #the horror #ben hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #the white violin

[scentedchildnacho]

David asked me if I thought downloading media was a problem so i asked him if he ever read Richard wright

He was an author that saw all this racial violence before he became a communist activist in Chicago and he as quoted found normalcy one of the worst things you can do to someone

So I hear in the statement you asking me if electronic work inherently causes cancer...so I would say you can't inherently know that about everything people do

I think he found behaviour control to be about good n wording people

I think that's maybe true religion has a judeo African basis to ritual behaviour control

I make it because I don't ask people for unreasonable things my family was veterans and public services so truly poverty doesn't bother me that much I was given and so I should obviously then help serve the nation in some way....I have found that I have a reasonable sensibility about what I request from others

After seven years of street poverty and attacks from police I find that a misery and cruelty now though and I find it difficult to keep forgiving......and kind of just don't want people to touch me in anyway anymore ever again...

It's started to make me feel severe pain don't touch my food don't touch my water don't touch my product don't touch me

David thought there is a large United States homeless population so I said no David that's not true at all there has to be an actual emergentcy to keep shelter labor crime

There was maybe only 20 women in Las Cruces I saw victimized by terrorist claims of forced street hostaging....and no one of that downtown cult would finally lay on them like a priest in a l.a. riot and pray for their creepy Nike lives to stop murdering people

The men are not homeless David their homosexuals and cops abused them and blamed them for disease.....

The sports at nmsu was exposed I guess for pretty heinous rapes....police violence David not homelessness

Yea uhm I pray that something that keeps forcing women and children to that pool finally stops to them.....and Andrea said it's watching the kids play together Kathryn.....so I said I know Andrea but people tell me they are from places like Washington and Texas....so they have wealth communities and private home friend pools is just something boring what would force them all here together that's not wanted....

What tells them to stop believing they have people who do complete their rent and energy credits and would prefer to treat them to more dignity and privacy

Phoenix is a huge heat bomb so I believe them people attacked them to make them crowd here that way...

I pray all the time they realize they can go home...

Andrea was trying to direct me to a shelter for a shower so I said.....uhm actually I am being sainted to put all those kids here first.....and if they can't finally realize their liberation I have to keep being stalked out of accomodations for kids

He is a worst pimp a very violent keg if I ask for anything common or humane he tells me he will hurt kids Andrea

I was like the heat wave has to end Andrea and all these people feel capable of leaving and then I may finally be alone to experience resources as beneath a winning people

That's the cars right they won the life choices game but these resources aren't beneath them?

Why aren't they snobbier about who can pool their kid?....

Something about the kids guardians is too bad also they hover over everything the kids do....if I had to go to the pool I was dropped off and people were like trust worthy why do all those adults keep going into the pool with the kids?

I mean how do your people's expect lenience in courtrooms if in poverties time of need you kept dumping emissions on us....none of you would find my selfishness correct and reduce traffick...

I mean that one lady with squeaky brakes was like 80 years old....and she had like relevant issues to not have her car fixed I don't see that in a lot of these people's cruelty on me

Andrea said she can't live in fear she leaves her car keys in her car and doesn't lock doors so I told her my world is undocumented so people around you here do steal a lot of stuff very compulsive fit in clepto theft people around here cannot afford that....

Their very compulsively popular there is very severe alcoholism sex work and clepto problems around you here.....

The peace I have for you is criminals do go neurotic and psychotic and you have to keep your car locked or they will just take it and blame you when the cops beat them up....so keep your car locked or a criminal could get very very injured...

Their criminals and you have to manage your property at all times....

Like maybe the perp felt like they were dying and just took it to finally not feel that and a cop killed them....a lot of criminals are physically handicapped...

I told David I never went into sex work because I had friends who tried and it made them cry and they tried to tell me men I kind of needed or depended on were worse people then being men or situations just kind of factless were in some way intentionally damaging to them.....so I prefer facts not sex work

So after having to experience confusion over who people are or what happened I do prefer when sex does just get away from me to not being my business

I do pray for myself that I believe lgbt there are lots of jobs and there isn't someone that wants to hate beat and rape me into something I'm not about some cruel food coffee job that life is not that incriminating and people want to afford me for what I actually do....

That's me about selfish what I actually am as a hospitality is way more hygienic then a food job

I'm actually too injured to tolerate turning a table and people at my job place could come for dinner and I wouldn't monitor if they didn't leave till morning or got drunk in a spare bed they didn't pay for....

Women don't do that to their family or communities so why tolerate a job where things are gross and usurped in bleach

Because the Africans tell me to believe it's all a cult to claim I can't just do stuff I want.....and I believe every theory ever that you have to fight or people sex offend

[lord-of-dragons-2007]

So I follow the nostalgia critic on YouTube, and this past week had been a video on the kids wb, which was something I grew up for and lived for on Saturday mornings. I would get up at 7am every Saturday morning just to watch cartoons, like any kid.

This isn’t a post about a YouTube video, its a post about what was the best time in my life. I want to say between 1995 and 2005 was the best time in my life, the time that was completely happy and had nothing but good times. All of the good cartoons, no stress in life, just that period of 10 years was a time when everything felt perfect in my life. I had my big family that was close and would have big parties on the major holidays, the coolest video games if you ask me came out about that time, the best events in my life happened in that time too. My parents were happy and lively and young and were amazing (not that they still aren’t amazing, but it was different).

I think back to that time and I hurt thinking that time was almost 20 years ago… I would give anything to go back and live in that time on infinite replay. I know it sounds stupid and unhealthy and whatever, but with the way things are today. Stress over my job, stress over my stupid asshole boss being a dick to me for what feels like every day, the main in my chest from panic and anxiety, worries about the mortgage, worries about the economy, worries about making the bills, worries about being able to cover all the meals I need to cover, worries about money, worries about being alone in my life, worries about if I will ever be a father if that dream will ever come true for me… worries about if my life will turn into a finely crafted family story or if it will end in a tragedy of not so good things happening to a good man…

I hate my life these days, the pain, the sorrow, the anxiety, and loneliness, all of it I feel without what feels like any joy in my life, without any love in my life. Every day I struggle to get out of bed, not because of a lack of sleep (though sometimes its because of that), its more of finding that reason to get out of bed. I just feel like the people in my life (if you can call them that) dont want to talk to me… I rarely have anyone check in on me, my dating pool has been so disappointingly small, sparse, and just nothing to even look at.. Lately I’ve been questioning what I’m doing at my job these days like just if I even want to be there anymore.

There is a picture I’ve seen before of a man made of puzzle pieces missing a lot pieces because he gave those pieces away to people who needed that piece, I feel like in so many ways that reflects me.. I am someone who cares about the people around me, my friends and people who I guess I may incorrectly perceive as more than just acquaintances. My very nature is to care and be there for those people, but then like the picture I give my pieces away and none come back to me, not that I’m looking for it, its just it sucks when I need something or need someone in my corner in the darkness that no one and nothing is there for me… or thats just really what it feels like.

I had made a ‘friend’ last year that had made a promise to me that ‘I was stuck with them as a friend’, and today I saw that they had blocked my text messages for reason… Even though I had supported them in their relationship, and getting engaged to someone, and helped them when they needed a friend… I just feel like my life has nothing really good in it, the only thing I can say are just my little dogs. Between these sweet girls and my parents its really the only reason I’m really still here, without them I might have just crawled into bed and died a long time ago…

the past couple of weeks I’ve just questioned if I’ve died on the inside long ago, if I am truly just dead on the inside and just carrying on a shell of who I used to be, a ghost that is wondering around without rest… As I’ve said before I am sure I’m going to die alone, sad and alone.

Honestly I am not sure why I am even taking the time to write this, its not like anyone really follows my random cryings in the void/darkness. I wonder if I have even made any difference in anyone’s life aside from my parents, I just feel like a plot point in a movie that if you factored it out it wouldnt change the movie at all… Just so much of my life I’m questioning from just what I do for a living, how I interact with people, if I’ve had any sort of meaningful positive impact on people, if just I’m just a waste of space and resources that the world would be better off without…

[farmandfungi]

i miss 2008, when i’d log onto this website to connect.

there was activity. there were others. life. ideas. dreams. we just wanted to be adults. now it’s 2023. i’m an adult. i reactivate an account every couple of years throughout the last decade, only when i’ve exhausted keeping myself company..  life grows profoundly lonely. many of us are living productive lives now - just as well as we’ve become isolated agoraphobes. the paradoxes we’ve grown into become deeper and more fragmented with each passing day. optimists call this quality “novel”, lol. pessimists call it hypocrisy. i still have dreams, but the monotony of every day chores, inescapable responsibilities and relationships... they all start to slow a person down. i still have dreams. but now they aren’t just dreams, they’re things i should have accomplished already.

the harder i fight to grow, the more i realize how behind i am. it was this very website that imparted on me, my first social contagion. that disease evolved into something very real that cost me a good decade of my life. i feel like i’m just now picking up where i left off as a wounded teenager. still dealing with the ramifications and long-term effects that came with all the self-loathing, ideational unsurity, and indentity insecurity that this very website perpetuated on a mass, UNIVERSAL scale. and yet for some reason, i still seek comfort here. this is where i came when... as a young person, i first discovered the feeling of being truly alone in this world. finding others brought me solace. to this day, i’m still best friends with the same dude i met on here in 2011. a lot has changed since 2011. i always told myself, when i was young... “i’m going to remember what this is like. i’m not going to grow out of touch, like my mother.” but none of us ever truly realize how hard that actually is to do until it’s too late. time passes fast. and being able to relate to / resonate with times passed could be argued to be immaturity. it’s not necessarily a measure of growth or health.. but.. there’s nuance. there’s compassion. there’s empathy. i think a LOT of us have been lacking in the empathy department lately. it happens. i try to forgive myself, i’ve been trying to get better at forgiving others. less hypocrisy. empathy fatigue is real. that’s a big one i’ve had to reckon with, since my “better” tumblr days. hah. i can’t really say they were better. objectively speaking i’m in a much better place now, mentally and physically. but the loneliness is still there. this is what people mean when they say “it gets better, but it doesn’t”. you find other ways to cope. maybe they’re better. maybe they’re still harmful but in more nuanced and less obvious ways. you take peace in knowing that you aren’t actively trying to destroy yourself anymore. you take peace in knowing yourself. and that’s all the peace you get. hah.

but it’s peace. gotta be grateful for what you got.

#2008

[dykefaggotry]

.

i know it's to do w trauma but i really truly hate how little i remember of my life... like. even other ppl i've met with trauma will tell me so many stories about their childhood or teenage years and have so many details to it. meanwhile i literally don't remember... much of anything. i remember very vague things and most of it is because i've talked about it with other people so many times that it's Become a pseudo memory, but anything i didn't talk about i don't really remember.

like i was going through my old blog yesterday, the one i had from 2014-2015 and it's actually genuinely distressing how much i do not remember. like just a small example but my boyfriend's parents bought us a blu-ray player and we've been watching first class bc i only have it on blu-ray and i told my boyfriend like haha this is the first time i'm actually watching it on blu-ray bc we never had one before so i kind of just owned it to have it and it came with a digital copy....... only to find a post on my old blog where i mentioned that i was pirating first class because i "didn't have a blu-ray player anymore" and had watched it 1000 times on the blu-ray. i literally do not remember ever owning a blu-ray, let alone watching first class on anything but pirating/streaming. and that was just smth small! i'm going through my personal posts and i remember literally fucking none of it. i would talk about girls i was crushing on and i don't remember who they are or what their names were, i would talk about shows i was watching that i'm now sitting here like i've never even fucking heard of that show. i would talk about my best friend on here, this girl named reny, and i hadn't even fucking remembered that her name was reny until now even though we were best friends for like 3 years. but i didn't remember how we met (which was apparently through roleplaying charles & erik, which i didn't even remember i had done with anyone other than my ex), i didn't remember any of our conversations, i don't even remember where she lived. i don't remember any of the classes i was talking about taking, i have misremembered so much that is clearly documented differently on that blog... i don't know anything about my own life

and it's genuinely really terrifying. like i know i Know it is a dissociative disorder of some kind to do with trauma but what bugs me is i don't know what kind and i honestly do not really Want to know.

idk. earlier i tagged a post abt younger me like she just wasn't the one that could make it to adulthood and earlier i was talking about teenage me and was like i may have been going by she/her at the time but that one has a distinctly they/them vibe and anything else feels weird. and i'm not looking into it or staring directly at it bc this is smth to discuss with a therapist (or better yet, not with anyone ever at all bc i don't want to think about it) but i genuinely do not feel like i was the one driving that body for that long. it feels like there was a young girl that died when she was 9, then there was a really depressed tween/teen that made it to 16, and after that there's been me. i have memories now, after 16, with actual substance to them. but before that? nothing. and the me that was there from 9-16 felt the same way about the kid that was 0-9 and i only know that because they talked about it. and it is! terrifying! i hate it! i don't like to think about it! i don't want to know what it means and i don't want to know how much traumatic shit i have simply just literally forgotten bc it doesn't feel like it happened to me at all.

i don't remember my life. at all. everyone else seems to. even the most traumatized of my peers will tell me stories with so much clarity and detail and they know all the names of their friends and exes and all these places they went and things they did... all i remember is where i lived and what i looked like bc i have pictures. that's it. even things like interests are all jumbled and mixed up and i thought i could at least categorize those with some accuracy, but looking at this blog... i can't. i've forgotten (like completely forgotten to the point that i do not recognize the media name) major interests. i've lost so much. i don't know how to take that.

#this is a VERY long trauma dumping post haha i love being mentally ill on a saturday night #idk i'm just really distressed looking at my old blog and idk what to do about it #other than living laughing and loving <3 <3 <3

[tomoyanosekai]

Find Your Beat 〜ここからは俺のステージだ！~ (Koko Kara wa Ore no stage da: From here on out, it’s My Stage!)

*Don ka ka kara ka ka ka ka ka ka ka* “A-SORE!”

“... Dammit, I’m off rhythm and out of sync…”

Amidst the quiet ambience of the waves, I stood there thinking with a taiko drumming beat in my mind as I stared into the darkness of the ocean. I turned 25 two and a half months ago, and although I was at the pier with some of my closest friends staring out into the unknown distance, I couldn’t help but appreciate the cool breeze and scent of the ocean in the dark. On one side of the pier was the darkness of the ocean that stretched out for miles, while the other side had lights distantly illuminated by the city. Despite laughing at stupid things with my friends and appreciating the atmosphere that the wind and waves brought, I couldn’t help but feel at peace. It just felt… right. 

“I’m here.” 

I’ll be completely honest: I’ve been finding it hard to come back and write a blog post. It’s been five and a half months since I’ve been in the writer’s chair, and I think that considering the amount of things that happened during this summer season, compressing all of life’s events from five collective months into one post was the right decision for this. However, trying to find a place to start again is always a challenge; especially if it feels like not that much has happened in between the mundane days at work. In short: as the days go on, it’s been hard thinking about what I want to write about my thoughts and feelings as I overthink them. As I look back at the past few months, although there weren’t any super “big” moments that defined my life, there were definitely moments that helped define me and how I choose to live. But to begin somewhere, I think the best place to start would be on some thoughts I’m typically thinking about. 

“No one really remembers me; no one really knows or cares about where I am or what I’m up to anymore.”

- Renewed Reason ~全力で走れ！~ (Zenryoku de Hashire: Run at Full Speed) (January 31, 2022)

Whenever I said that, there was always a peaceful sense of tranquility that came with it. Whether it be back from January of earlier this year or the present time, even with the sense of peace, there was always something lonely about it as well. Whenever I found myself thinking this, it was always a line that I always thought about silently to convince myself to stay in the present. All the people I remembered and wanted to see were now all living their respective lives and looking towards the future. Similar to them if anything, I should also be doing the same since none of them were ever looking back. But even beyond those thoughts, there was another lingering thought.

“I want to change. I want to become something bigger and stronger; something also unconventional and different. I want to become someone amazing by just being me and finding my own way.” 

About a year ago in August, I found a small church I liked where I could be alone and follow Christ; all in an effort to move on from Biola and face the future. As the year went by, I got more connected to the community, but never truly opened up; I subconsciously kept everyone at a distance. Although spending time there and reconnecting with God alone was good, I eventually found that this community wasn’t for me as I continued to attend this church. It eventually came to a point where I had to make some decisions for myself and walk with Christ since there was no community that was my age or going through a similar stage of life like me. Added with the fact that I also had to argue with the pastor who was trying to make decisions without my consent, I knew it was time for me to leave after a year and find another church; one where I wouldn’t be alone. Just as quietly as I arrived one year ago in August, it was time for me to leave again one year later.

“C’mon Chad, it’s time for you to come out of retirement!”

I stood there in a defensive stance back on the basketball court; trying my best to keep up with the opponent in front of me. Despite feeling winded and remembering why I stopped playing basketball, it was a familiar feeling to come back to after stopping nearly 10 years ago. As September rolled in, I found myself being reunited with a lot of my friends from my original home church after leaving the new church I attended for a year. God’s timing is definitely something beyond anything I can understand or comprehend. I had shot a basketball on an indoor court surrounded by familiar faces and familiar voices from all those years ago. Although I was forcing myself to try and get used to being alone, God didn’t let me be alone since he gave me back a bunch of people who were happy to see me and legitimately wanted to know where I’ve been for the past few years. Even though it was great to be present with friends again, there were thoughts that made it hard to be present in the moment with them. 

As great as reconnecting is after a few years of basically falling off the radar, it also began to become a double edged sword as I began to compare and doubt myself. As I caught up with them, there were conversations where I saw where everyone had been up to and how they wanted to continue going forward with their lives. I thought long and hard about myself for the next few days following this meetup, and came to my own conclusions. The only conclusion that I came to was that the fact that I was bothered greatly; I began to question everything that I am since I was the opposite of what everyone typically was looking for. I was reminded of why I found it hard to be in the presence of a lot of these people from my old church outside of catching up with my old friends. Since many of these other people knew who I was through my family, I felt a lot of pressure to live up to their expectations and represent my family who also dropped off of everyone else’s radar since they stopped going to church. 

The one thing I still struggle with is finding comfort in being myself; especially with those who know who my family is. During those times, I always found it hard to be myself in the presence of other people; it always felt like I was always hiding parts of myself and keeping everyone at a safe distance. Just as my own family did in the past, the thing I was afraid of was being looked down upon by the way that I chose to be and the way I chose to live my life. In short: I was subconsciously trying to fit into other peoples’ definitions of life and success. Through all of this, this is why I strived to find new places where people didn’t know who I was; where my family’s reputation and expectations from others wouldn’t be a prominent thing. I wanted a place whereI could make my own identity and be myself. 

“Chad, you’re thinking too hard about your arm movements and the beat! Stop thinking about it, just feel it!”

*Don~su don~su don~su don~-su don~-su 

don~su don~su don~su 

Don ka ka kara ka ka ka ka ka ka ka* “A-SORE!”

Even if I’m not living life according to someone else’s standards, I still found some confidence in being who I am.  Despite going at my own pace, I’ve found my way through God’s way to be something special; it’s not something that can be normally defined by living life by someone else’s methods. As my other identity as Toku Photobiz has always been something I’ve kept mostly private, it eventually came to a point where I’ve had the chance to reveal this side of myself to other people. As I look further back into this summer, I can easily say that I’ve had various opportunities and chances that someone normal wouldn’t get. Throughout the summer months, I had the opportunities to attend various events where I was able to meet an anime director and two very popular actors from Japan on two different occasions, and even see various things that no normal fan could ever see in their lifetime; all of these doors were provided to me by God and were carved out by me living life truest to myself.  Even beyond these big moments that I can consider special memories, something even more meaningful also recently happened. 

“Wait, you all seriously really wanna see me do this? Alrighty then…”

“...Henshin!! Koko kara wa Ore no suteeji da!!!” 

(...Transform!! From here on out, it’s My Stage!!!)

By the end of October, I had the chance to show my side as a Kamen Rider Fan to said old friends as they only recently found out that I’ve got an online presence as a Photographer and Cosplayer as Toku Photobiz; the latter of which required me to cosplay and do a transformation pose multiple times during Halloween in front of them. Although it’s something I’m still slightly embarrassed about, I know that I can still hold my head up with pride in knowing that I can be more open and proud of who I am as they saw the other side of me in my semi-natural environment. Being able to transform from a quiet observer with this hidden hobby and then  being able to take the stage in front of my friends with this specific identity felt empowering as I was able to finally feel proud of this side of myself after keeping this a secret for so long. As David writes in Psalm 139,

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” 

- Psalms 139:14-16

Much like what my taiko instructor told me, I’m still overthinking the beat. Whether that be the song’s beat or the rhythm of life, I’m still trying to find my footing and come into this beat naturally. Although there will be moments where I mess up and also ultimately go against someone else’s expectations, I’ll eventually find my own unique beat. As I look back at these past five and a half months and 25 years of life, I know that my journey hasn’t been a normal one; if anything, it’s been quite the opposite. I know that through the decisions I’ve made, I know that they won’t be here to please everyone; it’s impossible to live a fulfilling life in that way. But as I continue to live more true to myself and do what I want, I know that I’ll eventually find my way. I’m not alone anymore; everyone comes and goes at God’s timing and doesn’t matter if they remember me or not. I’ve never been alone, and I’ve already changed and will continue to go forward and transform into something even more amazing than the last. All glory be given to God. As usual...

“From here on out, it’s my stage!”