A babysitter's guide to the bats: by Jason Todd
If, for any reason, I am not in Gotham, here's what you will need to know to keep the local bat population from killing themselves off.
Tim has to be fed and watered daily.
Do not leave Cass alone for more than 36 hours, you might find half the world's governments systematically dispatched if you do.
Damian needs to be hugged at least once every two days. He will not ask for these hugs, but Robin starts getting real close to murder if he doesn't get affection, and a murdery Robin is something Bruce and Tim cannot deal with right now.
Bruce can hypothetically take care of himself, but won't unless it's easy. Make sure the cave is stocked up on energy bars and protein shakes. He likes dark chocolate best.
Do not let Dick forget to sleep. He gets acrobat-y when tired, and if he breaks one more chandelier Alfred might actually quit.
Cass forgets to eat real food sometimes. She can no longer survive off tree bark, but will try anyway. Leave some blackberries outside her room or on the bench below the maple tree in the back and she will eat those instead.
Make sure Steph spends time with Alfred. They both get lonely without their bi-weekly tea and gossip hour.
DO NOT LET DUKE RUN MISSIONS. HE FORGETS THAT THE REST OF THE TEAM IS MORTAL.
Keep an eye on Babs, she has the means to dismantle every intelligence agency in the U.S. and is very close to finding a motive.
Sometimes Bruce and Tim forget that they run a company. Makes sure they read their emails every once in a while, the board is ruthless and can smell weakness.
Tim is allergic to walnuts. He doesn't remember this. There is an EpiPen in the hall closet.
The no-metas-in-Gotham rule does not extend to Diana Prince. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You couldn't actually get rid of her if you tried. There is no Wonder Woman contingency plan. Don't look for it.
Titus has to be fed while Damian is at school.
Always make sure Red Robin has his third backup rebreather. He's recently decided he has a deathwish.
Batcow is NOT allowed in the manor. If Damian tries to convince you she is, he is lying.
Batman is Bruce Conspiracy Theorist: If Bruce Wayne isn’t Batman, then why is he so jacked?
Batman is Clark Conspiracy Theorist: isn’t it obvious? So he can carry around all his nearly full grown kids.
*picture of Bruce carrying Damian at a gala after the shoe incident*
*picture of Bruce carrying Tim after he fell asleep in a random place*
*picture of Cass riding piggy back on Bruce while at the Zoo*
*collage of pictures of Dick Using Bruce as a human jungle gym at all different ages (including fully adult Dick)*
EDIT: The shoe incident is from a fanfic which can be found here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20962790
Damian: Sometimes I feel like a fish caught in a tank.
Dick: Only you're not a fish.
Damian: Grayson, please.
Dick: You're a wonderful, funny, and talented person who—
Tim: You're a shrimp.
My favorite panel on the newest installment of my story Starlight Universe.
BATFAM TEXT CHAT
Damian: This is supposed to be for emergencies only.
Damian: Stop this at once. This is not appropriate, and I am sure Father will certainly have something to say about this.
Damian has left the chat.
I think Bruce's Love Language is Quality Time.
On one hand sometimes he just sits with one of his children at the dinner table or something and they do work while sitting near each other. It's sweet and simple.
On the other hand it would be hilarious if a non-bat comes across the whole hoard of bats just sitting there. In silence. Typing away.
Random hero, terrified for their life: uhh what are you guys doing..?
All the batkids simultaneously turning their heads to the hero: a bonding ritual
Bernard and Tim have a group chat between the two of them that's separate from their private chat where they discuss conspiracy theories with each other. The latest scoop happened when Bernard saw a video of Bruce Wayne being interviewed by Clark Kent, and immediately thought "Oh my God, are they flirting? Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait- Are they dating? Stop. If Bruce Wayne is dating Batman and Bruce Wayne is flirting with Clark Kent, then Bruce Wayne must be dating Clark Kent. Which means. Clark Kent is Batman." He absolutely sent it to Tim.
And listen. Tim is a little shit. He goads his boyfriend, photoshops pictures of Bruce and Clark (they are very realistic) and keeps the thread going for three months until he accidentally sends to the family group chat an image of Clark with the Batman cowl and the caption "Proof #1852 that Clark Kent is Batman" followed by another picture of Batman and Superman with the text "If Clark is Batman, would Bruce be Superman? Look at them. They are sus." No other context included. Tim would not explain.
Jason: Why would people say "You can't eat that for breakfast"!
Jason: Like time is a man made concept. It's 5am in the morning and here I am, ready to eat this chicken popcorn.
Thinking about how Bernard canonically doesn’t speak with/doesn’t get along with his parents and the batfamily yanking him in.
-Damian being hesitant to warm up to him but they get taking about animals and biology and soon enough Bernard is meeting Ace and Titus and Pennyworth and Batcow etc.
-Duke thinks Bernard is a little strange but so is the rest of their family (and he really isn’t one to talk) they end up sharing breakfast a few times because Bernard is an early riser and Duke is the day-shift (and no one else in the house gets up before noon)
-Cass loves Bernard. Like loves him. She thinks he’s hilarious and treats him like a little brother the same way she does Tim.
-Steph and Bernard get along bc blondes. Bernard was nervous to meet her at first but they actually have a lot in common and she encourages and adds to the conspiracies.
-Jason thinks Bernard is hilarious in the same way Cass does. Treats him like a little brother, actually really likes Bernard. Will physically fight people for him. (Including Tim)
-Dick loves Bernard but can’t quite pin him personality-wise until by happenstance Bernard opens up to him about his Dad. Makes an effort to include him in things and makes fun of Tim with him.
-Bruce also thinks Bernard is strange but he grows on him. Kind of senses there’s some unresolved family stuff there so he makes sure Bernard knows he’s there for him. An avid fan of his Batman conspiracy theories.
Just…Bernard getting love :/ he deserves it.
*Steph, Tim, Barbara and Dick are playing a couples trivia game*
Stephanie: Barbara, what is Dick’s favorite fish?
Tim: No, I don’t think you understood-
*Dick hold up a paper that says ‘Penguin’ on it*
Barbara: I know my man.
Dick: It’s like we have one brain.
Thought I’d collect these Louis Grieve trio doodles together in one place for easy access-love these dorks! 💕
(Doodles inspired by @aliteralchicken ‘s posts here and here!)
Tim: [sleep deprived going down the kitchen at 4 am to take his 6th cup of coffee]
Jason: [stress baking at 4 am in the dark]
bart: i love you guys! you're the best thing that's happened to me!
kon: we're the best thing that's ever happened to you?
tim: i’m starting to feel a little sorry for you.
POV: you’re Damian and you just fell down the stairs
Tim needs sleep
☕️ ☕️ ☕️
Uni students know what’s up
hello tumblr i’m back from the dead with some nightwing content (i couldn’t decide which render i like better)
i’m much more active on instagram if u want to see more of my art
timkon on the farm
tim is Not a fan of bugs LOL
batfam as whose line prompts
Batfamily as a whole
*rest under the read more*
Superman: Robin’s a good kid. You have every reason to be proud of him.
Batman: I know.
--Superman and Batman on Tim Drake (Superman #668 – The Third Kryptonian Part One: The Hunt)