#someone on the previous post made this point and yeah the amount of talented people from like the late 00s to early 10s who just completely

[hellsite-yano]

sucks how capitalism and the current online climate pushes creatives (singers, writers, artists, animators, etc) to be "content" "creators" (let's players, streamers, etc)

#someone on the previous post made this point and yeah the amount of talented people from like the late 00s to early 10s who just completely #abandoned any creative endeavours to start a forgettable let's play channel or whatever is/was concerning

[vecnawrites]

Jaune had expected a lot for his own, Coming of age celebration and he wasn't disappointed, not by the food, quest and certainly not his presents. His own father had gotten him not one, but two slaves, for him and him alone, with the knowledge he would be undisturbed in his new chambers. Looking them over, they had everything; Perfect Dark Skin, Flowy green Hair, sexy See-through outfits and best of all, they were a mother and daughter Pair!

The Second Chapter of “Meeting The Mothers”! This one has an OC character, Esmeralda Sustrai, Emerald’s mother. I will have an art piece on my AO3 account of her when I cross-post. Don’t want to risk it getting flagged and this pulled.

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Slavery, Pleasure Slaves, Non-Descriptive Beatings (Nothing visible, but mentioned)

Jaune Arc, only son and Scion of the Noble House of Arc, was finally reaching his Coming of Age Celebration. He had been training from a young age to eventually take over the house and lead it to an even higher amount of greatness, learning a multitude of things, ranging from Swordplay, to Tactics, to Diplomacy. All of the family allies, Clan Ren, Nomad Tribe Valkyrie, Vassal Clan Zedong, and fellow Noble Family, the Warrior Family Nikos had come.

Their children were his closest friends, Lie Ren and Nora Valkyrie, who he was very sure would get “together-together” and bind their clans together, bringing the raw physical talent of the Valkyries and the guile and sneakiness of the Ren family.

May Zedong, one of his oldest and closest friends, large breasted and very timid but with a magnificent win record against their enemies. Her maroon locks covered her left eye, a scar from battle with a rival clan, the Branwen Tribe. She had lost it in a battle with Vernal, Raven Branwen’s second in command, but Vernal herself had lost far more, her life blood staining the Valean forest floor.

Next to her stood Pyrrha, his other closest friend, already a champion of gladiatorial combat and the strongest out of all of them in close quarters combat. He had no bitter feelings over that, none of them did. Pyrrha was a good friend, and just as human as the rest of them...even if she could beat all of them working together against her with ease.

The food was wonderful; the chefs of his family had gone out of their way to make sure that not only his favorites were there, but the favorites of his friends as well. It may have been his day, but he wanted them to enjoy it as well.

His presents had been grand, as well. A new set of Diplomatic robes for formal situations, some customized armor, both signifying his new station as upcoming head of house. His friends had given him great gifts as well.

Lie had given him a knife like one of his own, a wicked thing that was designed to slip through plates of armor to pierce skin. A fine groove along the blade led to the bolster where two minute holes were. It turned out that the butt of the handle unscrewed and liquid could be poured in, and with the depression of a small button underneath the finger guard, would flow out and coat the edge. A poison chamber. What one would expect from a family known for their assassins as much as their diplomats, really.

From Nora, he had received what looked like a shirt and pants, but he recognized the material. It was made out of Boarbatusk Leather, a very flexible, extremely durable, material that was highly resistant to cuts. He could tell from the make it was skintight and meant to go under his normal clothes. As he looked them over, he missed the bright cheeks of both Pyrrha and May, with Nora nudging them and winking.

From May, he had received a new custom sidearm, a heavy pistol that he knew was more was designed more around power, impact, and penetration than speed. He even saw on the grip their symbols, her Crosshairs and his Crescents, making him smile as he remembered them growing up together with the others, and all the trouble that they would get into.

From Pyrrha he received something similar, yet different. An arm bracer that expanded into a Xiphos Shield, much like her own, for when he used his sheath to turn Corcea Mors into a Broadsword. Etched into them were Pyrrha’s symbol of the Shield and Spear and the Arc Crescents.

As he was marveling over his gifts, he failed to see both Pyrrha and May being teased by not only Nora, but his sisters, both of them blushing brightly under the scrutiny.

The party continued well into the night, Jaune dancing with May, Pyrrha, Nora, and even Ren when Nora and his sister had shoved the two of them together as a joke, and the pair just went with it, much to the laughs and amusement of the others.

As the party wound down, and people began to retire to the guest bedrooms, his father gestured for him to follow. Jaune stood and began to follow, missing the saddened looks from Pyrrha and May, both knowing what was coming.

~x~x~x~x~

May and Pyrrha stared after the boy they had fallen for, had loved for years. They knew why his father was taking him away, and weren’t going to lie, it hurt knowing what was going to happen, what he was going to likely do.

Both turned as hands touched their shoulders. Seeing their mothers behind them, both with teasing smiles, the close friends felt heat creep up the back of their necks and into their cheeks at the knowing looks.

“No long faces, dears. You know that there is no competition, even if Jaune’s parents bought him a pair of slaves. They did the same for Alizaryn and Saphron, as well.” Athena Nikos murmured, patting her daughter’s cheek. Pyrrha tried to take comfort in those words, she truly did.

May, however, spoke what they were both feeling. Scowling off to the side, she muttered, “Yeah, but you have to remember, Saphron married and has a child with her slave...well, ex-slave now.” there was no heat in her tone. Terra Cotta, or Terra Cotta-Arc now, was the beloved wife of Saphron, the second child of the Arc clan, and everyone had been doting over the small baby boy that held a mix of Arc features and of Terra herself.

May squeaked as her mother thumped her gently on the forehead. “None of that, dear daughter. Focus on the fact that you still have a chance. Both of you do. Neither of you were taught to give up, why start now?”

Both May and Pyrrha felt a burst of renewed energy. That’s right, they had years on the two new servants. They’d get their husband! Though it might take a bit of work...Jaune hadn’t noticed their feelings yet, but they also knew that it was partially their own fault as well.

~x~x~x~x~

Jaune walked with his father down the hallways of their home, heading towards his new bedroom, one that he had received for becoming an adult of the family, rather than a child in an adult’s body. The walk was silent, making him wonder what was happening.

Finally, his father spoke. “Jaune, as you know, there is an extra present that all members of the Arc family get upon their Coming of Age.” he said, getting a nod from the younger male. It had been tradition that all children had gotten slaves/servants upon their coming of age. His father had; Maria Calavera had been with them since his father had reached eighteen. Alizaryn, his eldest sister had her own, Elm Ederne, a powerfully built woman who was a warrior through and through.

Saphron, his other eldest sister, had her own slave as well, a lovely young woman named Terra Cotta...or Terra Cotta-Arc now. His sister had fallen for and married the woman, and even asked for him to donate so they could have a child of their own. So, he was no stranger to sex.

“You know what you were taught.” Jaune nodded, he had been trained in how they handled their slaves and servants. Kindness rather than cruelty. Compassion and understanding rather than an iron fist. It was why even if the slaves were released, they hardly ever wanted to leave the Arc Family.

“These two...they came from a bad place, son.” Jaune felt a bit of dread pool within his belly at his father’s words. “But, we knew you would treat them right.” his father’s hand rested on his shoulder. The moment was serious, before the elder Arc smirked. “And don’t worry, Maria and the others set them up on contraceptives~” he teased, bursting out into raucous laughter at his son’s sputtering.

~x~x~x~x~

Two green haired woman knelt on the floor, clad only in gauzy material that didn’t cover anything. Well it did, but the material was so sheer it was completely sheer, meaning nothing was truly covered. They were quiet, both fearing and wondering what was to come.

Esmeralda Sustrai, the older of the pair, glanced to see her daughter, Emerald, sitting deathly still. She understood why. Both of them had been through several masters at this point, and been returned each time. She longed to comfort her child, but didn’t know whether or not they were being watched. And even then, could she comfort her daughter?

She had known nothing but slavery her entire life, just like her. It was fortunate for both of them that in order to return them, their previous masters couldn’t cause a lot of damage to them...meaning, they had been slapped around and bruised, but nothing permanently scarring.

As it was, Emerald had been nursing an incredible black eye and split lip from their previous mistress for ‘looking haughty towards her’ when the Arcs had come, looking for servants for their son. Esmeralda had practically thrown herself forwards, regardless of the fact she could be punished later for acting out. She had grown up, all slaves had grown up, knowing of the Arc Family. It was a family any of them hoped to be purchased by.

She found that the rumors and stories that the slaves told one another weren’t just that. The mother had been quite upset that someone laid a hand on them-even healing them with her semblance!-before looking at her husband and nodding. They had been purchased only minutes later.

It had been a whirlwind of activity afterwards, the other servants of the family welcoming them, taking them to the baths to be cleaned, then having their new ownership marks applied (hers still tingled lightly against her skin) and dressed in the gauzy silks and golden jewelry they now were adorned with.

Part of Esmeralda marveled at what they wore, no matter how flimsy and barely there the material was, she had an eye for detail. These silk dancers outfits they wore were more expensive than anything they had ever worn before.

Glancing at her daughter again, she could see her face was stoic, but she was trembling. Finally giving in, she placed her hand on her daughter’s shoulder, making her eyes snap towards her. Esmeralda fought a wince. She could see the fear that her precious daughter was trying to hide.

“It will be okay, Emerald.” she whispered, her smoky voice easily heard in the silent room. “We won’t be hurt here.” she gently squeezed her shoulder, trying to give comfort, before pulling away as she heard the door click, bowing her head submissively towards her lap, Emerald doing the same next to her.

~x~x~x~x~

Jaune thought about his father’s words as he reached the door of his new bedchambers, thinking on how he was going to handle this.

(Flashback)

“These two have had several ‘owners’ before, son.” the derisive tone of his father’s voice made Jaune squirm, even though he knew that the anger was directed at them. “Abusive louts, the lot of them! No care for human life!” His father shook his head, his slowly graying hair swaying. “Take care of them, son. They need your kindness and care.”

(Flashback End)

Jaune took a deep breath. He just needed to stay calm, keep a cool head, treat them like they were humans, even if they were his property. Grabbing the doorknob, he twisted it and stepped inside his room.

~x~x~x~x~

Emerald Sustrai never knew a life outside of ownership. But she did know that owners varied. A lot. She still was haunted by how their last one had treated them. Cinder Fall was not a pleasant mistress, or even a pleasant woman. Others hadn’t been too bad, but too often they were resold because their owners got ‘bored’ with them. Emerald was still surprised that she was pure, the male masters they had instead preferring her mother’s skills (even if she had been forced to watch), but knew that her luck wasn’t going to hold out.

After all, only one thing could happen when during their primping and preparation session they had been given contraceptives. Expensive, fast acting, contraceptives. The flimsy garments that hid nothing only added to her belief. After all, the thin silk didn’t hide the darkness of their nipples or the slits of their pussies from even themselves, never mind anyone else who looked at them.

But if her mother was right, and the Arcs were like how she had heard stories of, this couldn’t be too bad...even if a thrill of terror was running down her spine at the thought of being fucked for the first time. Part of it was honestly, how was she, a virgin, to please her and her mother’s new master? Her stomach roiled at the thought of them being sent away due to her inadequacy.

Now, the fact that she had managed to remain a virgin this long seemed to be a sword hanging above her neck rather than a relief.

As the door opened, she chanced a glance up, hoping that he master didn’t notice, she didn’t want to be punished on her first day here, and her mouth went dry. He was...handsome. He wasn’t a fat old man, nor some waif of a girl. Before her stood a warrior, born and bred.

Light colored hair, the color of the sun itself, covered his head, shining in the dim light of the room, mixed with blue eyes shining like precious stones, like the ones she had seen previous masters wear and flaunt. His face was handsome, no extra fat whatsoever, but not so thin as to appear gaunt.

His body...she fought to not fidget as she gazed over him. The outfit may have been simple, but her and her mother’s new master had an impressive body, one of strong, cut muscles that pressed against the thin shirt that he wore.

She immediately glanced down when he started to turn from closing the door behind her, trying desperately to calm the rapid pounding of her heart and the burning in her cheeks. She rubbed her thighs together gently, trying to ease the heat in her belly. She had never felt this before…

~x~x~x~x~

Jaune almost felt his mouth go dry. They were beautiful. Not in the same way as Pyrrha or May, but an exotic beauty all the same. Skin a few shades lighter than either Terra’s or Elm’s, matching the color of the chocolates that his sisters and female friends loved to snack on. Flowing mint green hair that barely fell to their chins. Eyes the color of rich rubies. Button noses, full lips.

Unbidden, his eyes fell further. Full breasts with hard dark nipples. Flat, toned bellies. Wide, flaring, birthing hips. Toned legs. And the family symbol tattooed directly over their wombs. All of this beauty, wrapped up in gauzy, see through dancers silks. He knew that Terra and Elm had a hand in this. Those two loved teasing him.

He could feel his cock growing and sliding down his inner thigh. Licking his lips, he spoke. “Hello, you two. Names?” he could be forgiven for not being the most literate, after all, Alizaryn and Saphron had both been speechless when presented with Elm and Terra.

~x~x~x~x~

Emerald did not swoon. Swooning was for the annoying waif girls that she and her mother had been forced to serve and attend to. She wasn’t one of those. However, she couldn’t deny that his voice did something to her. She swallowed, licking her lips. “E-Emerald Sustrai, Master.” she stumbled slightly over her own name, something that mortified her, but her new master didn’t notice the gaffe.

“Esmeralda Sustrai, Master.” she heard her mother purr next to her, making Emerald swallow. Her mother was definitely pulling out her tricks, like she had with their other male masters, likely hoping to draw attention onto herself rather than her...but Emerald realized two things. One, she likely wouldn’t get away from notice this time, even with her mother’s wiles, and two, she wasn’t sure she wanted to get away from his notice. The look that he was giving her wasn’t simply lust, it was...she couldn’t find a word for it.

~x~x~x~x~

Esmeralda easily slipped back into the simple mindset she had had since Emerald was born: Protect Your Daughter. It was very easy to do, no matter the gender of their master. For men, draw upon their lusts. For women, draw upon their lust, or ire, depending. Anything to protect her daughter. She could see the bulge growing in his pants, and despite her worry for what might be coming, found herself growing moist, arousal flowing through her body. It had been so long since she had been actually satisfied during sex, not since her she had been with the man who had given her her precious daughter.

But even still, she just needed to keep his attention on her, make him lust after her and her alone. Since they had been told that this was a ‘Coming of Age’ celebration, Esmeralda figured that their young master was a virgin, which meant he would be eager and have a lot of energy, but not have a lot of staying power.

...it also meant a likely lack of control once he got lost in the pleasure of a physical body. So, more reason to keep his attention on her.

But, seeing his well muscled and cared for body, Esmeralda couldn’t help but lick her lips. She couldn’t deny that he was much more appealing than any of her previous masters. Maybe...maybe this time wouldn’t be so bad…?

~x~x~x~x~

‘Firm hand, Jaune...firm, but gentle…’ the blond reminded himself. “What are your skills and talents? I know dancing is one of them.” he licked his lips again as the elder of the two, Esmeralda, shifted and raised her head to look at him, the daughter Emerald following suit. He didn’t miss the look of awe on Emerald’s face. It was something akin to how he saw both Terra and Saphron’s looks when they met.

“Yes, Master. Dancing was a skill taught to me when I was a girl, and I trained Emerald personally in the skill. As for other talents, I was trained extensively in the sexual arts, the skillset growing with every new master and mistress we’ve had. We have both also cared for ailing and children.” he could see a small bubble of dread fill her when she realized that dancing and sex were her two main skills, with some minor ability to care for the sick, and her own experience raising her own child being her other skills. But then, what other use was there for a pleasure slave?

He released a hum. “You said ‘I was trained extensively’, was Emerald not?” he saw her heart sank to her stomach, her skin loosing some of its color and taking on a more pallid look. He held up a hand to forestall any panic, turning to Emerald. “Emerald? Is this true?” he saw her tremble a bit, before weakly nodding her head. “Y-Yes, Master…”

He sighed softly, reaching out and gently cupping the girl’s, who couldn’t be older than him, face. Gently directing her face up, he gave her the gentlest smile he could. “It’s okay, there’s no shame in that. I’m surprised, certainly, you are quite beautiful.” he saw her smile weakly. “Thank you, Master.” she murmured, leaning into his palm.

~x~x~x~x~

Esmeralda watched in shock as their new master actually comforted Emerald. She had heard the Arcs were caring, but she never expected this! With any of their previous masters, weakness had been met with slaps and beatings! Not enough to scar, but enough to show them their place!

She was surprised that she hadn’t been stripped of her garments and thrown onto the expansive bed and fucked senseless already! Their last male master hadn’t even bothered doing this before attacking her body outright!

She looked up at her, their new master, as he gently pulled her daughter close like one would a lover, her precious gem curling up against him like an affectionate cat seeking attention. Normally, she would be horrified at the lack of decorum to their master, but he curled his arm around her and gently rubbed the bare skin between her dancer’s top and bottom. It was gentle, soothing, and surprisingly, non-sexual.

~x~x~x~x~

Emerald snuggled into her master’s chest, inhaling his scent, the spicy aroma of sandalwood as his hand roamed over her back, his fingers, strong with callused tips, rubbing against her skin, gently following the extremely thin, shallow scars a careless master had given her long ago. Ones given for ‘not showing proper respect’.

She knew she should feel more worried, but she found that she couldn’t. Her new master radiated kindness and comfort, something she was very unused to. She wanted, needed, more. Eventually, though, she heard her mother speak.

“Emerald, my dear, why don’t we give our new master a dance?” part of her wanted to whine, but she knew that she had likely pushed her luck further than she should with touching their master without his express permission. Nodding against his chest, Emerald slowly pulled back, a frown tugging at her lips as she left her master’s warm embrace.

Giving her master as soft a smile as she could manage, she moved back toward her mother. “Yes, mother, lets give our master a dance he won’t forget!” her voice was low, but not from fear, but rather, lust and desire.

~x~x~x~x~

Jaune swallowed as both exotic beauties stood smoothly and a set pace away from one another, no more than five steps he guessed, before they began to sway their bodies. Slowly starting, swinging their hips back and forth, the silks covering their intimates swaying, the gauzy fabric moving and giving him flashes of bare cocoa skinned lips, before being ‘covered’ again.

Breasts and hips swayed, arms moved and slowly roamed over their bodies, trailing over their torsos, cupping and squeezing and presenting their breasts to him, fingers circling their hard nipples.

The pair were obviously skilled at what they did, well practiced and a paired unit, perfectly in sync with one another. He swallowed hard as they spun slowly, the fabric that passed for a skirt fluttering, revealing the full and fat swells of their plump asses to him.

He licked his lips, his cock throbbing in his pants as he watched the pair spin again, arms behind their heads as they thrust their chests out towards him, their nipples almost pressing through the hyper thin material. Their hips rocked side to side like pendulums, both looking at him lustfully.

Jaune groaned, his dress pants almost tearing from how hard his cock was getting. Fuck, he needed relief! He knew that these two were his to do with how he wanted, but he wasn’t cruel. They may be his, but he wouldn’t force them. He was better than that.

~x~x~x~x~

Esmeralda knew that her master was aroused. She was sure that even Emerald knew; those slacks held his body well, and hid his manhood poorly. The swelling of flesh was making a distinct print along the inside of his leg. She felt herself getting moist between her thighs. It had been so long...and she could tell that her new master was caring. He would not mistreat her, or her daughter. Such kindness...needed to be rewarded.

She began to move, sauntering over, making sure to sashay her hips and subtly twist her shoulders, making her tits sway, her nipples aching as they rubbed against the thin silks she wore as she made her way towards their master, ready to use all of her talents to please their new owner.

Reaching him, she smoothly dropped to her knees before him, sitting her plump ass on her heels and placed her hands on his knees. “Allow this one to take care of your needs, master~” she purred, sliding her hands up his inner thighs, palming the thick cock and feeling the intense heat bleeding through the thin dress pants.

This close, she could already smell the musk of his body, a spicy aroma that was pleasing, nothing like the smell of her previous masters. Her hands crept up further to his belt, skillfully undoing it and reaching for his button, flicking it open to reveal...her mouth dropped open.

“…Wow…” Esmeralda turned to see her daughter had moved forwards, staring in unabashed awe at the large stalk of flesh that had snapped up and jutted out of his pants, straining hard and insistently, begging for any sort of attention.

Esmeralda smiled at her daughter. “Emerald, attend and learn.” she hummed, turning her eyes back to her master’s hard flesh. She didn’t need to turn to know that her daughter had sunk to her knees next to her obediently and was watching attentively.

~x~x~x~x~

Jaune bit the inside of his cheek, having two beautiful women kneeling between his thighs, both staring at his cock with unashamed awe. He was surprised, knowing that Esmeralda had likely had a long list of lovers, and Emerald had at least watched, so he couldn’t be the most impressive they had ever seen. But their looks also didn’t seem faked.

Even then, his cock was screaming for some sort of sensation, some sort of relief. He hadn’t ached this much in almost two years, not since the time Saphron had pulled him into her bedroom with a naked Terra and begged him (on bent knee, at that!) to give them a baby that would be considered a full-blooded Arc.

He inhaled sharply as slender hands moved and pulled his pants down more, his heavy balls falling free of his garment as Esmeralda worked his dress slacks down and off of his body, leaving him bare below the waist.

He swallowed as soft hands moved up and cupped his heavy balls. “See, my daughter?” he heard her purr, her fingers gently moving over the sensitive skin covering the fragile orbs. “This is a wonderful way to start off teasing a man…” he bit his lower lip as she bounced his aching balls in her hands.

~x~x~x~x~

Esmeralda smiled softly as she saw their master trembling already, but he hadn’t attempted for more yet. So, not a virgin, but also not used to sexual contact. She could work with that. Moving her right hand up, she gently grasped the thick stalk of flesh, shivering as the heat seeped into her hand. “Gently, Emerald...like petting a kitten.” she instructed, moving her hand up and down in a smooth motion, making their master moan and arch his hips. “That sound? That means you’re doing it right.”

Esmeralda made a few more pumps with her hand, the dribbling precum acting as lubricant, making the glide of her hand smoother and easier along his shaft. “You want to keep a moderate speed unless you’re teasing or want them to cum quickly.” Emerald likely already knew by watching her all these years, but sex lessons always bore repeating...especially since her daughter was likely going to lose her virginity today.

Glancing back at Emerald, she saw that she was staring intently at what she was doing, a red tint to her cheeks, making the mother smile. She didn’t know why this was making her blush, she had watched her do so much more...speaking of which…

Esmeralda leaned down and licked a stripe up the length of the thick cock before her, from the balls to the tip, making sure to maintain eye contact with her master, satisfaction filling her as she he groaned. His taste was clean, salty and savory, a pleasure for her palate.

Moving her tongue up more, she pressed the flat of it just underneath his head and swirled it slowly, lapping the drops of precum that oozed out of the slit and began to drip down. Moving closer, she felt someone touch her, and glancing to the side to see Emerald moving forward almost eagerly. Leaning to the side, she allowed her daughter to get between their master’s legs as well.

“Now, trail your tongue like this-” Esmeralda dragged her tongue up from their master’s balls again, from base to tip, then moved back and watched her daughter attempt, nervously sticking her tongue out and dragging it along the pillar of flesh.

~x~x~x~x~

Emerald was nervous, there was no other word for it! She had never done something like this before, despite her last mistress loving having her eat her out at all times. Her virginity may be hers in the strictest sense, but her mouth had certainly been used by her female owners. What if she was no good at it? She shook her head, casting her fear to the side and focusing on the tip, tasting the oddly sweet flavor on her tongue.

She knew she was wet, could feel her juices sliding down her inner thighs, and she knew that there was no way that she’d get away without losing her virginity today...but strangely, the thought didn’t bother her. Their new master hadn’t been rough at all with her mother...this...this would be worth it.

~x~x~x~x~

Jaune was close to cracking, these two women were driving him nuts with their beauty, their actions, the slow teasing of his cock. Esmeralda seemed to notice this, and smiled. “Master, there’s no need to be so high strung…” he watched with wide eyes as the elder of the two slipped behind her daughter, tugging the flimsy covering between her thighs to the side and revealing her soaked core, her other hand reaching down and spreading her lips, revealing bright pink insides, dripping with want, to him. “My daughter wishes to attend to your needs.”

Jaune swallowed hard, looking into the younger woman’s eyes, seeing lust and want in her ruby orbs. But he was raised better. He would make sure. “Are you sure, Emerald? There’s no going back.” he rasped.

~x~x~x~x~

Emerald’s anxiety left her, even though her heart sped up. Her master truly was kind to actually ask her if she was sure about this. But she wanted this. She actually wanted this. “Yes, master...please...take my purity as yours. All of me, all of my body, is yours. Please, claim me as yours.” she chanced a glance up, gasping as he cupped her cheek again.

She gasped again as her mother’s fingers rubbed her sensitive little core, swirling around her sensitive little button, making her pussy clench and drip. She felt her mother’s lips against her ear. “That’s it, baby...get nice and wet for our master…” Emerald’s hips bucked as she felt her mother tease that small bud with her longest finger, while her eyes locked on her master, seeing those deep blues filled with lust. All aimed at her.

Her lower lip shook, but she was no longer going to deny herself! “Please, master…” she whispered softly. She yelped as she was suddenly grabbed and pulled up, straddling her master’s thighs, his hard shaft pressing against her moist core; her eyes rolled up in her head as the thick stalk of flesh rubbed against her sensitive clit, making her shudder and shake on his lap. A large, strong hand clasped onto her rump, his fingers sinking into the soft, pliant flesh, making her whimper.

Slowly, she began to work her hips back and forth, up and down, spreading her slick fluids along the thick shaft pressed against her, gasping and shaking all the while. She...she never knew that sex was like this…

~x~x~x~x~

Esmeralda smiled softly as she watched her daughter rock her hips. There may be no penetration yet, but she knew that her daughter was in good hands. She just hoped that her master had enough in the tank to take care of her as well...she didn’t want to be left alone with her hands after this. But he was young; he was sure to be able to handle her virgin daughter and herself…

~x~x~x~x~

Jaune groaned as Emerald’s soaking core ground against his aching shaft, his hand sinking into the soft pillow of her ass. “Em...Emerald…” he fought from letting his voice be little more than a lustful growl, “I’m going to lift you up now…” he shifted his hands to her hips and began to lift her, toes curling as her slick cunt pressed down hard on his needy cock, her fluids dribbling down and running over his balls.

Positioning her above his cock, he shivered, feeling the head of his dick rubbing against almost criminally soft lips. “Emerald...you’re going to need to lower yourself...at your own pace, okay? Don’t go too fast, otherwise-!!” Jaune gasped as Emerald twisted her hips and shoved herself down, bottoming out as her bubbly ass smacked against his thighs.

He was forced to grab said rear and hold her against him as she shook and trembled on his lap, her eyes wide and unfocused, as her pussy squeezed, flexed, and rippled around his shaft. She was cumming just from being impaled on his cock. If that wasn’t an ego boost, he didn’t know what was.

~x~x~x~x~

Emerald’s eyes rolled up in her head as pleasure exploded through her body, starting at her core and moving its way up, through her belly, back, chest, legs, arms, and ending in her brain, fingers, and toes. She shook like she had touched a live wire, her core going wild around the beast that it held prison.

She inhaled and exhaled, breathing hard and fast, her breasts bouncing and nipples scraping against the thin silk she still wore, her toes curling as she shook on top of her master. Slowly coming back to herself, she looked at her master, before clenching down on the thick flesh within her. “Master~” she purred, the sound coming from her without any issue, so reminiscent of her mother, “Your pleasure slave is ready to fulfill all your desires...every. Last. One.”

For all her confidence, a squeak still escaped her as her master spun her around, and pressed her against the bed, making her whimper and her back go utterly limp as a cooked noodle on the comfortable bed. She reached up, clutching at him, her slim fingers digging into her master’s top as he began to thrust into her slowly, making her gasp and shake underneath him as he claimed her.

Was this what sex was like? Truly? Not the obviously faked stuff her mother did with their previous male masters, but being loved, cared for? Her eyes rolled up in her head again, her smooth legs, still partially covered in their silks, swinging around his hips and locking together, her toes curling as her master filled her with more pleasure than she had ever experienced. “MASTER~!!♥♥” she cried out, throwing her head back as she convulsed around him, arching up and trembling.

Her master kept moving through her orgasm, not stopping nor allowing her to catch her breath, making that crest of pleasure just rise and rise and rise, her pussy squeezing and flexing and rippling around him, trying to empty his body of his seed. She was going to go insane at this rate! Her master was going to turn her into a slut for his cock! Blackness creeping into her vision, she arched as she came for the third time in quick succession, passing out with a blissful smile on her face as her master groaned above her, going stiff and blistering heat filling her belly.

~x~x~x~x~

Jaune groaned in pleasure as he came, shooting jet after jet of thick cum into Emerald’s belly, watching her tremble and shake in her third orgasm, slumping with a wide, almost delirious smile on her face, her ruby eyes rolled up in her head.

Grunting, Jaune slowly pulled out, hating leaving Emerald’s warm and tight pussy, but not wanting to fuck her while she was unconscious. Fortunately, he had another person here to help slake his needs...turning, he licked his lips as he saw an eager looking Esmeralda licking her lips. “Esmeralda is ready to tend to your needs, master~” she purred.

~x~x~x~x~

“Ah! Ah! Ah! Yes! Yes! More, Master! More~♥♥♥!!” Esmeralda cried out, on all fours above her daughter, although she might as well be lying on top of her as their master pounded into her needy, leaking pussy, his hips slamming into her rear with loud claps, making the thick flesh ripple and shake. She groaned, her own ruby eyes clenching shut as a powerful orgasm flew through her body.

Her master was the most attentive lover she had ever had, and considering that some of their previous masters had passed her around like a party favor at parties, that was saying something! But she forced those memories from her mind, focusing instead on the thick cock slamming into her body and giving her pleasure that she had never felt before.

“MmmmmmmMaaaasssstteeerrrrr~♥♥♥♥!!” she wailed, arching as his hand came down on her cheek, not to spank, but to grab and sink his fingers into the fat swell as he plunged into her faster and harder, making her cum and cum and cum. The only thing keeping her from outright collapsing was the knowledge that her daughter was underneath her.

“Mmmm...M-mom?” ruby eyes shot open and she looked down, to see her precious daughter looking up at her with a lazy smile on her face. “Is master making you feel as good as he did me?...I can barely feel my legs…” she moaned.

Esmeralda opened her mouth to speak, only for an extremely slutty moan to leave it, her legs quivering as she came yet again, her own cum drooling down her inner thighs. She blinked as her daughter’s arms looped around her neck and pulled her down in a loose hug. “Master...mommy’s womb needs your wonderful cum...can’t you please fill it like you did mine?” Esmeralda’s eyes widened as their master moved even faster, slamming against her pillowy rear, an undignified yelp escaping her lips as a hand (her own daughter’s hand, at that!) crept between her thighs and played with her clit, while she smiled up at her with that naughty little smile she always shared when they played with one another for their master’s entertainment...but she couldn’t help but think that it was far different this time around.

But those ponderings were driven from her mind as she flew into another orgasm, waling out, her pussy going wild around her master’s dick, trying to coax out his seed. Her master did not disappoint.

Esmeralda inhaled sharply as Emerald leaned up and pressed her lips to her own, soft and sweet, full of love and emotion. Part of her wanted to jerk back, but instead, she just leaned forwards and pressed her lips against her daughter’s just a bit firmer. Her eyes drifted shut once more. Whatever this was, she could worry about it later. For now, she was just going to enjoy what they were experiencing.

~x~x~x~x~

Jaune growled as he slammed himself to the base inside Esmeralda, her fat ass cheeks rippling as his balls snapped taut, erupting and spitting out every drop of cum still inside him into her womb. Focusing on the pleasure, he watched as Emerald leaned up and kissed her mother, gently and sweetly, making him smile.

Saphron was correct; the Coming Of Age Celebration really was the best birthday ever.

#Meeting The Mothers #Topaz #Jaune Arc #Emerald Sustrai #Esmeralda Sustrai #OC Character #AU

[theballadoffinchesandsaints]

Let’s talk about the Vaincre trade:

(As I am writing this, only the first full chapter, July, has been published)

I’ve said before that I’m fairly certain it’s going to be Leo, but I want to walk through the thought process that got me there (this is long and unedited. You’ve been warned).

First, since this is going to be such a major plot point, I think it’s going to be a character who’s inner circle had at least a minor spotlight in the first chapter. These were Coops, O’knutzy, O’darwin, Thomas & Noelle (do they have a ship name???), Regulus (tho he’s obviously disqualified for not being a pro player rn), and Cole (with a bit of Dumo).

Additionally, I think a key component of this plotline will be developing characters so that they can stand on their own once separated from a crucial relationship (thematically, it makes the most sense to me).

With that in mind, let’s do some quick (yeah lol prob not quick) disqualifications from the list:

Remus: I know this is a more common theory (and god would it hurt) but Remus’ storyline is already jampacked with living up to the standards of the league, team, and public, as well as adjust to a new relationship dynamic with Sirius. On a more heavy note, Remus will have to navigate how playing hockey will interact with the trauma of Greyback’s attack and the resulting injury. I’m sure most of us inferred that this would be a plot point, but the idea was solidified in a snippet of Remus and the team discussing predictions for the top teams of the season.

Sirius: while narratively, I actually think it would be fascinating to see the lions learn to be a team without their leader and to see Sirius have to learn that there are other parts of the world he can trust, this one falls apart in both logistics and clues Hazel has already given us. Truly, I cannot imagine a trade in which it would make sense for the Lions to give up their beloved, talented, effective captain and first line center, especially after he just led them to Stanley Cup. And when someone asked Hazel about (I believe) what relationships would be highlighted in Vaincre, Coops made the list with the qualification that their storyline would largely center around Remus’s adjustment to the team. A Sirius trade requires long-distance Coops angst which, while possible, would be both difficult and against the spirit of the statement.

O’Darwin and Thomas & Noelle already have long-distance angst happening in July, so trading either Kasey or Thomas would miss some of the emotional punch we know Hazel is going to give us.

Cole: I mean, the kid’s a rookie. It doesn’t really make sense. Threads seem to be being set up with the Dumais’ baby sitter and maybe one of the new PTs? (I don’t remember exactly where I’m getting this from, but I’m near certain it was from Hazel’s tumblr). It seems like physical encounters are going to be a big thing with both of these relationships, plus all the obvious great storylines of a new rookie getting comfortable in the team, make it unlikely Cole will be the trade. Not to mention, there are no guts to punch with Cole. We love him already, but he isn’t close with anyone on the team yet. We’d feel disappointed, not devastated, if he got traded. We all know Hazel’s going for devastation.

Dumo: this one approaches probability for me. Dumo would be heartbreaking for every member of the team, but especially Sirius and Logan. It would also sort of follow through on a previous idea from a rough draft of SW where Dumo has a career-ending injury. All the players would have to learn to navigate life without a father figure, and it would break down the system of where many Lions rookies live. But this one’s all speculation, at least as far as I know. It’s not hinted at in July, and I can’t think of any snippets that suggest Dumo. Plus, it feels like all of the main POVs have been set up in July, and we know from the dreaded “of being a lion” snippet (in which said player gets called about the trade) that we do get POV chapters from the player who’s traded.

We’ll get back to O’knutzy later. First, some people who aren’t on the list that I feel are worth discussing briefly (tho these are unlikely for the reasons at the end of Dumo’s):

Kuny & Nado: Now, I remember Kuny’s “no trades, no trades” thing from Hazel’s tumblr. It hurts. It feels like foreshadowing. But, remember, Hazel has also said that these boys will both play a more secondary role in Vaincre. They’re both safe.

James: I go back and forth on this one all the time. Thematically, separating Sirius and James would be both heartbreaking and deeply interesting. James was a major force in bringing Sirius out of his shell, and Sirius would have to learn to maintain that without his best friend always by his side. James and Lily are also suspiciously absent from July. I know Hazel said they’re on their honeymoon, and I’m not disputing that in any way, shape, or form. However, it does provide ample excuse to become a new POV in August. However, I can’t find any snippets to really support it. And, just, in general, James as a character in Hazel’s fics (or at least in Solntse and SW) provides a stable backbone for the other characters. He’a developed as a character but stable and happy. This could be the thing that changes that, but, at the very least, it doesn’t fit the narrative role he serves in SW, and I think it would change the feel and character dynamic of the fic as a whole (not just of the team) too much for that to be the choice.

And then there’s O’knutzy:

Going into Vaincre, I asked myself: what are everyone’s plotlines going to be? Remus will adjust to the team and playing Greyback. Sirius will largely be his support system, tho some stuff may be done with his relationship with Regulus and/or moving on from any semblance of his parents’ influence. Dumo will welcome rookie Cole onto the team. James will be a new father. Thomas and Noelle will have long-distance relationship feels. Kasey will adjust to O’darwin, and probably also deal with his reoccurring injury.

And the cubs? Are in a happy, stable relationship with everything they’ve ever wanted. The seeds to a storyline regarding whether or not they choose to come out was definitely hinted at in July, but I don’t think it will be their sole focus. Thankfully, there is nothing pressuring them to come out currently. They think about it. They long to do it. But nothing has changed since the end of SW/CtC. If one of them was long-distance, that would change the dynamic. When you can always go home to your two loving boyfriends, it doesn’t hurt quite as bad when you can’t be affectionate when out with them in public. When you’re only in the same city for a day or two roughly every month (depending on which team the trade is with), every second you could spend holding them and don’t hurts more and more. Whether I think they choose to come out or not, I really don’t know. I think so, but I’m definitely not sure. But the real question is, which cub goes away and prompts this?

If it’s a cub, it’s definitely Leo. Hazel posted a snippet that just...says so much.

Do I even need to explain? She practically told us. I’ve spent over an hour analyzing nearly every prominent Lion when Hazel practically told us Leo was going to be the trade with this right here.

But I do have more to say. I don’t think either Finn or Logan would work well as the trade. The plot of them being separated was well explored in CtC, and I honestly just don’t think it needs more examination. They learned to cherish each other, talk to each other, love each other freely and honestly. Them being separated again would just hurt. It wouldn’t serve a narrative purpose.

On the other hand, I do think Leo’s character could actually benefit from some time alone. He had barely a few months as a full-blown adult, working in the NHL, before he entered a committed relationship with his two lovely boyfriends, both of whom had had years more time to live with and explore themselves (tho it’s not as if they were doing that freely). A couple of months or even years dating long-distance could force Leo to have some more adventures on his own and come into himself more. Then, he can fully return to his boys, his “long-lost lover[s],” and be more stable in his love.

In a similar vein, Logan and Finn have only had short amounts of time to make their leg of the relationship stable and happy in comparison to the time they spent yearning or heartbroken. Even in CtC, their reflex is to go to Leo first, which is, of course, perfectly fine and lovely and adorable, but I think they need to spend some time unlearning that knee jerk reaction.

Then, when Leo comes back (because one way or another, in canon or in my head, he will), all three are confident in themselves as individuals and in each leg of the relationship as well as the three of them as group. No one and no couple n e e d s anything, but they come back together because they all love each other, more than anything.

That’s what I think will see in Vaincre. At the very least, it’s what I want.

Vaincre is by the one and only @lumosinlove

#this took 2 hours #unedited #i rlly hope someone enjoys it #edit: i went and checked and this is over 1600 words #it is 4 pages single-spaced with 11.5 font #mine #sweater weather #coast to coast #vaincre #lumosinlove #sweater weather lumosinlove #coast to coast lumosinlove #vaincre lumosinlove #vaincre trade #pascal dumais #cole reyes #sirius black #remus lupin #coops #logan tremblay #leo knut #finn o'hara #o’knutzy #kasey winter #o’darwin #james potter #thomas walker #noelle tremblay #the marauders #regulus black

[marrys-dream-world]

if we’re bound to be something, why not together? (chapter 12)

Read on AO3

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Notes: I posted on AO3 yesterday and forgot to post here sooo...  I was having a huge writer's block with this fic and I'm still not satisfied with this chapter, but I also don't think it's gonna get any better. Hope you guys enjoy it anyway. Day 12 (what a joke by this point saldkqçkwdqpo) Blush. The beginning of the chapter is a bit off topic but I love it so pls bear with me. Have another one of my Emilie hot takes ig. 

Adrien Agreste was a man of science. 

It was, perhaps, his mother’s fault. His father was clearly the unholy mix of a man of the arts and a businessman, combining the worst of both worlds, if Nino was to be believed. Adrien let out a soft protest at that, but couldn’t really disagree. His father was all cold businessman and artist with a vision (Plagg often asked what vision it could be if he went dressed around like that and allowed Adrien to wear orange shoes, however, kwamis weren’t allowed fashion opinions so he didn’t pay attention to that). His mother was a completely different story.

Many people thought Emilie Agreste was an artist, through and through. After all, even with her outstanding beauty and ridiculous wealth, she worked in indie films and plays that managed to catch her fancy, managing her time between productions that made waves across France and small movies produced by a friend that had few copies to spare. Adrien knew better. His mother was also a gifted scholar, she loved studying things and figuring them out.  He had asked her, when he was young, why she traveled so much and put so many acting jobs aside, and she had said acting was a hobby, learning was her life.

Like mother, like son then. Being an impressionable young child with only one friend and copious amounts of free time in his hands, Adrien tried to mirror the behaviour of the person he admired the most: his mother. He would join her in her study, very unlike father’s, which was a little messy and always warm and welcoming and he was always allowed in before she got sick and everyone stopped caring about him. He would sit beside her in the little desk she commissioned just for him and study basic science, devouring book after book

and falling in love with the way the world just worked.

“I’m gonna be a scientist when I grow up!” He said once at the dinner table. His mother smiled indulgently, but his father wasn’t as kind. 

“Don’t be foolish, Adrien.” He admonished. “You won’t waste your time with such things, you’ll work with me as a model. We can’t let your perfect looks go to waste.”

His mother didn’t say anything to defend him, she never did. However, she winked at him as his father’s eyes left him. He straightened up then, that little gesture never failing to make him feel like they both knew something his father didn’t. These days, Adrien feels like maybe he hadn’t know anything at all. 

Anyway, no matter how much his father tried to discourage him, Adrien Agreste was still a man of science and that meant experiments! He would usually not try out a behavioural experiment, but it was, as a lot of good stuff in his life was, Nino’s fault. Both had been discussing an art project with Alya and Marinette...

"This is really good, Marinette." He said sincerely, leafing through her and Alya's booklet.

Marinette seemed to shrink, blushing a little and smiling awkwardly, a sharp contrast to Alya, who only puffed up.

"I know, right?" Alya grinned, slipping her arm over Marinette's shoulder.

"I-it's nothing, really. Just a school project hehe." Marinette, taking the book back as Adrien offered.

"Everyone did theirs, but yours is a standout." Adrien said, smiling softly. Her work was amazing and he would say it as many times as it would take for her to believe it.

Marinette turned beet red at that, stammering something incomprehensible and dashing out of the classroom's door. Alya cracked out a laugh, quickly following after her. He watched them confusedly, scratching the back of his neck.

"Dude, you gotta stop doing that." Nino said, sighing. 

Adrien raised an eyebrow. "Doing what?"

"Being all earnest and stuff." Nino answered, clasping his hands together and widening his eyes in a mockery of his best friend. "Oh, Marinette, you're so talented! You're so smart! You're so-"

"I don't talk like that." Adrien pouted. He didn't, did he?

"Yeah, you do." His friend snorted. "It drives the girls wild, even the ones that don't have a crush on you."

"You say that like a lot of girls have a crush on me." He rolled his eyes, other than his fans, the only ones who had a crush on him were Chloe and, the jury was still out on that one, Lila. 

Nino gulped. "I mean, yeah, because of your fans and all! Not Marinette, she doesn't have a crush on you at all! She doesn't like you, even. She barely likes you as a friend!"

His heart fell. "Marinette barely likes me as a friend?"

"No! That's not what I meant!" Nino groaned. "Marinette does like you as a friend, okay, dude? I just word-vomited for no reason. Just don't go around being all you like that on her, she'll blush so hard she'll explode."

“Nino, you’re exaggerating.” Adrien had said, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, you say that now, but try it with any girl and see how they react.” Nino answered, mockingly rolling his eyes back. 

He had shrugged at the time, but the question stayed in the back of his mind. Adrien was aware that he was good-looking, it was maybe the only thing his hard-to-please father ever complimented him on, but to make even girls that weren’t attracted to him blush? It seemed very far off. However, he knew his mind wasn’t going to let it go anytime soon. Adrien had a bad habit of not letting things go, Plagg said. So it looks like conducting an experiment was  on the table and there was only one girl he would be comfortable trying it out with.

"Thanks, Marinette." Adrien said as he picked up a macaron from the box she brought to share with the class.

She flushed slightly, nothing so out of the usual that it would prove Nino's theory. "Y-you're welcome, Adrien."

"Did you help your dad make them?"

"Oh, I made them myself, I had some time to go to the kitchen lately." She said, eyes lighting up. "I missed it."

"It tastes great, Marinette." He said, making sure to smile and soften his gaze a little. It was actually hard to not do that around his friend, after all. "You're really talented."

Her face went fire truck red in a matter of seconds, mouth falling open and eyes going a little glazed over. Nothing out of the usual, but that was the thing: Marinette was always like that around him. Whenever he talked to her, a pretty blush would fill her cheeks and her blue eyes would go wide. Was he really so powerful that being earnest was enough to make a girl that only saw him strictly platonically blush like that?

“It’s our raw magnetism, kid.” Plagg told him solemnly when Adrien explained his theory. “Nothing we can do about it, girls better watch out.”

They spared a minute of silence for all the girls struck by their lady killer charms. 

“Hey, Plagg, when you say all girls…” His lady’s adorable face flashed in his mind.

“Yeah, no, kid, dream on.”

However, it must be said again: Adrien Agreste is a man of science and he would never fail to experiment on a hypothesis. 

Their next patrol was quiet, jumping through the rooftops and climbing down to comfort civilians separately. He could feel Ladybug’s eyes boring into his back at every confused glance she threw his way. The silence unsettled her, he knew that, but as much as he wanted to reassure her, he also had to create the perfect setting for his experiment. 

“A bit quiet today, weren’t you, Chaton?” His lady asked when they finally settled down, nonchalant tone costrating with her twitching fingers.

“Oh, I was just struck speechless.” He said, voice purposefully serious as to not arouse suspicion. 

“By what?” Ladybug frowned. 

“By you.” He smiled and she started to roll her eyes when he continued. “You’re really kind, my lady.”

She blinked owlishly. “What?”

“Every time I turn my back to you on patrol, when I look back you’re talking to someone. Comforting that little girl whose ice cream fell, getting that kite stuck in a tree. It’s not even just today, you always do that. I’ve never met anyone who does it as effortlessly as you do.”

The words flew easily from his tongue. Complimenting Ladybug was often easier than not.

“You’re really kind, Ladybug.” He repeated, only to see her face darken until her cheeks settled into a rosy pink. 

She opened her mouth as if to say something, but closed it again when she noticed it was hanging open. Her blue eyes went wide and shiny. It was the prettiest sight he had ever seen.

Maybe being a man of science has its perks sometimes. 

#ladynoir #ladybug #chat noir #ml fic #my stuff #if we're bound to be something why not together #miraculous ladybug

[thatmomentwhen345]

Ok ummmmmmmmmmmmmm

These last two weeks have been very emotionally exhausting because of finals and what I’m about to tell you and I don’t really know how to sum it up so I guess you’re getting the same treatment as my Facebook (this is copied directly from the post on there and was posted on December 12th for context)

(This is the beginning of the Facebook post)

You guys, I don’t know what to do.

You might have gathered from my last few posts, but I’m not okay. And it will sound like such a stupid reason to the majority of you. But I made an irreversible mistake back in 2019 that has been haunting me for the past week. This is the first time that I can remember regretting a decision this much. Was it my stubbornness, my closed-mindedness? Was it my see-it-to-believe-it tendencies? Was it my inability to learn from my mistakes?

For those who don’t know, on November 13th of this year, the YouTube channel Unus Annus was deleted from the platform forever. After one year of daily videos by Markiplier and CrankGameplays, it was all gone. The point of the channel was to remind us to use our time that we have alive wisely, because Memento Mori. Remember that you must die.

The channel started on November 15th of 2019, and, well, I don’t know anything about their beginnings. I just saw their introduction video in my recommended or on trending or something and thought, “Is that Markiplier? Shouldn’t he be focusing on his own channel? Who’s this other guy?” and moved on without a second thought. I occasionally saw their videos in the trending tab but ignored them. I didn’t even know they had such a big following. I thought it looked stupid and didn’t think about it until, well, the end.

A few weeks ago, my brother was watching the final livestream that would mark the day that the channel was deleted for good. I was in the room with the livestream on the TV, watching their final hours tick by, still not thinking about the channel at all. Just like, oh hey that thing that people were talking about, wasn’t it like, a cult? I didn’t think about it at all until... the fifth of December? Was it really only a week ago? That feels like a lifetime away now...

The YouTuber FootofaFerret released a video called “Pretending Unus Annus Isn’t Over” and I saw it in my reccomended. https://youtu.be/8SMpCbI9U00 I was like, hey, yeah, I remember that thing that ended. I trusted Foafy’s judgement because of his previous videos about saying goodbye to Steven Universe. So I watched it and don’t really remember how it made me feel. I just remember him saying that the Unus Annus fandom was in mourning and I was like “aw poor guys I’ve seen on TikTok some people are sad about it”. Foafy also suggested that people who were wanting more of the Unus Annus vibe to watch Mark’s Markiplier Makes playlist. I watched some of them and, again, moved on.

The timeline is fuzzy from here on. I’m still processing it, honestly. I think I might have looked up the Unus Annus theme (Turncoat by Michael Rothery) first? Then I think I found some compilations or clips from their videos and was like wow this stuff is funny. And then I realized that there are archived versions of all of their videos (that’s against the rules of Unus Annus for those who don’t know) and... don’t hate me... went looking for them. I watched two in full. I won’t say which two but just know that the second one I specifically searched out because I knew that they did a lot of random stuff on there and that there was a chance that they would do it too. And they did! It was a funny video. I realized how much of a fun dynamic that Ethan and Mark had and looked for more compilations. The more I watched, the more I realized that I had made a terrible mistake in 2019.

I had missed out on so much. And I couldn’t take it back without breaking the rules. The concept of Unus Annus intrigued me so much, all of the people involved on the channel worked so well together, they were all so funny, but now I could never experience it in full because I was stubborn and, well, thinking about other things this year. I could have jumped in at any point between then and November 13th of this year but I chose not to.

Monday was a rollercoaster. 1st stage: denial. I was like well this doesn’t matter, I’m not even in the UA fandom, it’s gone and I don’t care. But it wasn’t that simple of course. I kept watching the Markiplier Makes videos and the UA compilations and became particularly interested in Ethan. He seemed very genuine and sensitive and his on-camera chemistry with Mark was really entertaining. 2nd stage: anger. I was furious at myself for missing out. Those two videos I watched in full were just small teasers for what the entire channel was like. I hated that I couldn’t take it back. And I hated that if I did, I would’ve broken the rules and gone against Mark and Ethan’s wishes, which I also wouldn’t be able to take back. I was horribly conflicted. 3rd stage: bargaining. I desperately went after any content surrounding Unus Annus that I could without breaking the rules, and was still considering watching the illegal archives. I haven’t watched any more of them in full, but sometimes I watch parts of them in incognito mode when it becomes too much to bear.

Tuesday was... Tuesday had to have been the longest day I’ve had the entire year. 4th stage: depression. It was slowly sinking in, the gravity of my mistake. I was starting to realize how much of a phenomenon Unus Annus was and that it was so unique and had such a cool message and that it made so many peoples’ 2020 just a little bit better, but not mine. I then did what I always do and found my comfort in music. I put on a bunch of good songs that I hadn’t heard in a while and just... sat there painstakingly doing my math homework. I couldn’t concentrate on anything the whole day. Monday, either. The song Goodbye to a World by Porter Robinson came on and I was like hey, this song perfectly suits the way I’m feeling right now. I wondered if anyone else had made connections between this song and Unus Annus and looked to see if there had been any AMVs (animated music videos) about the idea and the end of UA. Lo and behold, this popped up and I watched it! https://youtu.be/-q-oByQWdlM It hit all the right spots and I just started bawling. What had I done? Why had I missed this opportunity to improve my 2020, just a little bit? Why had I missed this opportunity to get to know Mark and Ethan better? Everyone who had watched all of their videos could feel peace after the end, like Mark and Ethan. But I couldn’t. I could only forever regret my mistake. MY mistake.

Terrible things have happened this year, but all of them have been out of my control. This, however, was my fault. And I can never take it back. And I am having a very hard time handling that.

I don't know how many times I cried on Tuesday. The next song to come on after I watched the AMV was As the World Caves In by Matt Maltese which of course broke me even further. This song also perfectly encapsulated my dilemma. Later I finished my tribute drawing of the channel logo and felt the smallest bit better. The rest of the day is a blur.

Wednesday was better, I guess? I thought I had made it to the 5th stage: acceptance. I was still very sad and mad at myself but I was starting to realize that there was nothing I could do. I subscribed to Ethan’s channel and started getting to know him better. He’s so sweet and talented ☺️

But no, acceptance is still far away. Thursday and Friday were barely better than Tuesday. I painted my nails black and white as a way of coping. I went to a livestream on Ethan’s Twitch and it was really fun! I started watching more of his streams and on one of them he mentioned that his Twitch chat mods had TikToks. So I wondered if he also had a TikTok, which he does! I looked to see if he posted one on the day UA ended. The answer was no but he did post one the day after asking if someone with the skills required could make a mashup of the song Cancer by My Chemical Romance and As the World Caves In. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJqgyrkR/ I was like wowie this guys got taste! And so I looked up if there was a mashup. As a matter of fact, there was one by Clem Turner on YouTube that came out only three days after the end of Unus Annus. https://youtu.be/a5RTVoreSAY I cannot express how much I love this, what it made me feel, and how much it hurt/helped. So I commented on Ethan’s TikTok about it and only a few hours later a new comment appeared on Clem’s video. Ethan had seen it! So I’m just gonna assume I was responsible for that... not only that but half of the comments on the mashup were about Unus Annus as you can see below. I realized how big of a following UA had and felt bad (because of course the people who had actually been with UA the whole way would be grieving a lot more than me), but also, comforted by the fact we could all connect over the loss of something important to them, if in a lot of different ways.

I’m far from getting over this. I’m far from being okay. I’ve never really felt like this before. I feel like a different person than I was last week. But I wanted to write all this down to let it out, process it a little bit, and maybe get some comfort from you guys. It’s completely understandable if you didn’t read this all the way through so...

TLDR: Memento Mori.

(This is the end of the Facebook post)

What I just described really shifted a lot of things in my head in a way I didn’t expect and in a very short amount of time. So, long story short, my Steven Universe hyperfixation ended very suddenly because of an outside factor and I probably won’t be posting a lot about it anymore. Hope you understand.

(art by me but I used the official UA logo as a reference)

#personal #long post #my art #please read if you are wondering about the change of atmosphere

[thelastspeecher]

The Pines Siblings

I’ve been thinking about my Angela Pines AU for a couple days, and I have a lot written for it, so here.  Have some Quality Sibling moments between Stan, Ford, and their adopted baby sister, as well as them discovering said baby sister’s long-lost biological family.

Much like the previous ficlet I posted, I am providing no further context.  Enjoy.

——————————————————————————————

              Angie tied her long, caramel-colored hair back into a ponytail so it wouldn’t get in her face.

              “Here you go, Angie,” Ford said, setting a few small containers of paint on the sand next to her.  Angie beamed at her brother.

              “Thanks, Ford.”  She grabbed her paintbrush from its spot tucked behind her ear and examined the paint selection thoughtfully.  After a moment’s deliberation, she dipped the brush into the blue paint.  “The boat’s really coming along,” she remarked as she painted the outside of the derelict ship her brothers had found years ago.

              “Yep!” Stan said from the deck, where he was messing with something.  Angie couldn’t quite see from her spot what he was doing.  “Pretty soon, we’ll be setting sail!”

              “…You’ll send me postcards, right?” Angie asked quietly.

              “Of course!” Ford said.  Angie smiled.  It was ridiculously easy to get her brothers to fall over themselves comforting her. She dipped her paintbrush into the black paint.  But that was one of the benefits of being both the baby of the family and the only girl. “And you’ll have to write us, as well.”

              “Yeah, we wanna keep up with the next Picasso,” Stan added.  Angie rolled her eyes.

              “You sound like Pops.”

              “Well, he’s right,” Ford said.  “You have a tremendous amount of artistic talent.”

              “You’re even better than Ford,” Stan said.  Angie chuckled.  “I can’t wait to brag to people about my famous painter sister.”

              “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Pines family,” a voice drawled.  Angie let out a soft sigh.  She knew without looking what her brothers would be doing.  Stan would be getting ready to attack while Ford would be silently withdrawing.  She set down her paintbrush and looked over at Crampelter and his goons.

              “Back off, Crampelter,” Stan snarled, jumping from the deck onto the sand.  Sand grains flew into Angie’s paints.  Crampelter raised an eyebrow.

              “Or what?  You’ll beat me up?” he sneered.  Stan opened his mouth to retort.  Angie got up and brushed sand off the shorts she wore under her clothes, so that she could remove her skirt once her mom was no longer watching.  She glared at Crampelter.

              “Maybe I will,” she snarled.

              “What could you do?” Crampelter asked.  “You’re just a girl.”

              “The Pines family knows how to throw punches,” Angie said.  Crampelter rolled his eyes.

              “You’re not a real Pines.”  Angie’s heart stopped.  Stan surged forward.

              “All right, that’s it, no one talks to my sister like-” he started.  Angie grabbed his arm to stop him.  She looked Crampelter in the eyes.

              “Do you want to risk the chance that I actually do know how to serve a mean knuckle sandwich?  You do know my brothers have been learning boxing for years, right?  If you roll those dice and they come up snake eyes, which they would, then you just got beat up by a girl.”  She could see Crampelter wavering.  “On the other hand, if you roll those dice and get a twelve, then you just gave Filbrick Pines’ daughter a black eye.”  Crampelter paled.  The entire town knew what happened to people who messed with Filbrick Pines’ only daughter.

              “It’s not worth it,” he finally managed to say with some small amount of bluster.  After spitting in their direction, he and his goons rode their bikes away.  Angie sat back down on the sand.

              “Hey.”  Angie didn’t look up.  “Ang,” Stan tried again.

              “I’ve got to get painting before even more sand gets in my paints,” Angie mumbled.  “It’ll screw up the texture.”

              “Angie.”  Now Ford came over.  He and Stan sat next to Angie.  She looked away.  “That was awesome,” Ford said.

              “Yeah, well, I’m pretty awesome,” Angie said softly, dipping her paintbrush into the black paint again.

              “You’re upset,” Ford said.  Angie scowled.

              “No shit.”

              “Hey!” Stan barked.  “Language.”  Angie rolled her eyes.

              “You’re one to talk.”

              “I’m a teenage boy.  I’m supposed to swear.  Young ladies aren’t.”

              “Now you sound like Mom,” Angie muttered.  She dropped her paintbrush onto the sand. “…Can you blame me for being upset?”

              “He’s full of shit,” Ford said.  “You’re a Pines, Angie.”

              “Not biologically.  Everyone can tell I’m adopted.  I don’t- I don’t look anything like you guys, or Shermie, or Mom, or Pops.”

              “Who’s to say that if you were our biological sister, you wouldn’t look the way you do?” Ford asked.  Angie glared at him.

              “Genetics,” she said shortly.  Stan looked at Ford.

              “She’s got a point there.  No one else in our family is blonde or has blue eyes.  Not to mention, our noses are big in a completely different way than hers is.”

              “Recessive traits-” Ford started.  Stan punched his shoulder.  “…I’ll shut up.”

              “Look, he was just saying that to get under your skin,” Stan said, throwing an arm around Angie’s shoulders.  “Mom and Pops adopted you years ago, Ang. You’re one of us, through and through.”

              “Am I, though?” Angie asked quietly.

              “Yes,” Stan and Ford said together.  The fervor in their voices made Angie crack a small smile. That smile was wiped away quickly, however.

              “I bet my real family would disagree,” she said softly.  She pulled her knees close to her chest.  “Wherever they are.”

              “We’re your real family,” Stan said firmly.  He squeezed Angie’s shoulders.  “And if your bio family ever tracks you down, then you’ve got two real families.  Got it?” Angie managed another smile.

              “Got it.”

              “Good.”

              “But I do wonder,” Angie said softly.  She looked at the ocean, a broad expanse of blue stretching to the horizon, glittering under the midday sun.  “I wonder where they are.  And who they are.”

              “Maybe during our travels, we’ll stumble across them,” Ford suggested.  Angie eyed him.

              “Hopefully Stan sees them, then, not just you. You’re not that great at identifying relatives,” she said sassily.  Stan snorted. Ford blushed and looked away. “But if- if you do…”  Angie took a breath.  “You’d tell them about me, right?”

              “Of course we will,” Ford said.  Angie nodded.

              “Good.  I know who I am.  But I wouldn’t mind finding out who I was.”

              “You’ll find them,” Ford said.  He took Angie’s hand and squeezed it.  “Someday.”

-----

              Ford looked out the window.  He spotted the family car pulling into a spot in the parking lot.

              “They’re here,” he croaked.  Fiddleford nodded, pale, and stood up.  The two went downstairs and exited the building to wait by the main doors.  Ford glanced at Fiddleford.  “Are you all right?”

              “No,” Fiddleford said softly.  He rubbed his eyes.  “I- I’m ‘bout to see my baby sister for the first time since she went missin’ years ago.”  Ford opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by a shout.

          ��   “I see him!  Ford!”  Someone ran over, tackling Ford in an immense hug.  Ford returned the hug, squeezing his little sister tightly.  “Ford!  You’re not gonna believe it!  I got accepted to West Coast Institute of Art!”

              “Really?  Wow, that’s- that’s amazing,” Ford said with a weak smile.  Angie beamed at him.

              “They’re giving me a full ride to study painting.”

              “I always knew you were going to be the next Picasso,” Ford said.  Angie grinned.  Stan and his parents walked up.

              “I see your sister already shared the good news,” Caryn said, crossing her arms.  Ford nodded.  “Aren’t you proud of her?”

              “Yeah.”  Ford carefully pulled Angie off him.  “Um-”

              “Who’s that?” Stan asked, nodding at Fiddleford, an uncharacteristically tight expression on his face.  Caryn and Filbrick looked over.  Both went pale.

              “This is my roommate, Fiddleford McGucket,” Ford said.  Fiddleford held out a hand for Filbrick to shake.

              “Howdy.”

              “What are you, some kinda hick?” Filbrick rumbled, refusing to take the offered hand.  Fiddleford’s hand fell to his side.  Angie frowned at Filbrick.

              “Pops, why are you being so rude?” she asked. Filbrick grunted in response. Ford clasped his hands behind his back.

              “I assume you’ve noticed that Fiddleford’s appearance is very similar to…to Angie’s,” he said after a moment.  Angie looked over at Fiddleford for the first time. Her eyes widened.  She stepped back.  Stan quickly moved to stand protectively in front of her.  “Well, that’s- that’s the reason I asked you all to visit.”

              “Just ‘cause your roommate and Angie look like each other?” Stan asked.  Ford closed his eyes.

              “Not really.  It’s, well…we were talking about our families.  And Fiddleford told me that he had a little sister who went missing thirteen years ago, when she was three, who went by the nickname Banjey. With that information and their similar appearances, I-”  Ford swallowed.  “You can probably figure out what I’m hinting at.”

              “If you want to say something, don’t hint,” Filbrick growled.  “Spit it out.”

              “I think that Fiddleford is Angie’s biological brother,” Ford said in a rush.  Angie let out a small squeak.  Filbrick’s expression grew thunderous.

              “Is this some sort of joke, boy?” he snarled.

              “No, Pops, it’s- I’m being completely serious!” Ford turned to Fiddleford.  “Now might be a good time for the picture.” Fiddleford nodded jerkily.  He dug a photograph out of his pocket and handed it to Caryn.

              “That’s one of the last pictures taken of Banjey ‘fore she went missin’,” Fiddleford croaked.  Caryn and Filbrick inspected it closely.  “It’s of our pa givin’ her a piggyback ride.”  Filbrick’s face went slack.  Caryn swallowed.  She handed the picture back to Fiddleford.

              “Fiddleford, was it?” she asked calmly.  Fiddleford nodded.  “Would you mind showing me to a phone and giving me your parents’ phone number?”

              “O-of course.”  Fiddleford led Caryn and Filbrick inside.  Stan glared at Ford.

              “Why’d you ambush us like that?” Stan demanded.

              “Look, if I tried to tell you without you seeing Fidds, you wouldn’t have believed me,” Ford said defensively.  “I had to show you the proof from the beginning.” Stan grunted.  “Should- should we be worried about Pops being on the phone call?”

              “Nah,” Angie said airily.  “He’s been on his best behavior since-”

              “-since he almost kicked me out, but was stopped by his little angel,” Stan muttered.  Angie’s face reddened.  Her gaze dropped to her feet.  “Aw, shit, Angie, I didn’t mean-”

              “Don’t lie,” Angie mumbled.  “You did mean it.”

              “Wait, what’s this about kickin’ out?” a voice asked. The siblings looked over. Fiddleford had rejoined them.

              “Pops was about to kick Stan out for messing up my science fair project,” Ford explained.  “But Angie stepped in.  Once she threatened to leave, too, Pops backed down.  Angie and Stan say that Pops has been behaving better since- what’s wrong?” As Ford talked, Fiddleford’s expression grew darker.  He was now fully scowling.

              “Yer father was about to kick out his teenage son over a science fair project?” Fiddleford hissed fiercely.

              “Well, to be fair, if it hadn’t been broken, I’d be at West Coast Tech right now,” Ford said quickly.  Fiddleford’s face hardened.

              “That don’t make it fair.”  He shook his head.  “Can’t believe my baby sister grew up in that sort of environment.”

              “She didn’t,” Stan said.  “Us guys had to walk on eggshells sometimes, sure, but Angie was never in danger of being kicked out or anything.  If Ford had said what Angie said?  Pops woulda closed the door in both our faces.”  Fiddleford’s mouth dropped open.

              “Angie’s the favorite,” Ford said with a shrug. “It’s because she’s the baby and only girl.”

              “I-”  Fiddleford kneaded his forehead.  “Look, just ‘cause she would never be kicked out, that don’t mean she didn’t grow up in that environment!  Obviously, she did, if she had to intervene to stop it from happenin’!”  Fiddleford shook his head again.  “These fam’ly dynamics ‘re somethin’ else.”

              “Should we be insulted?” Stan asked Ford.  Ford shrugged.  “By the way, where are you from?”

              “A farm just outside of a small town in Arkansas called Gumption,” Fiddleford replied.  Angie, who had been staring down at the ground while her brothers spoke, whipped her head up to stare at him.

              “Isn’t that the theme of the painting you submitted to West Coast Art?” Stan asked her.  “Gumption?”  Angie nodded.

              “I liked the concept,” she said softly.  “It spoke to me.”  Fiddleford smiled weakly at her.

              “Maybe some part of ya remembered where ya came from.”

              “Maybe.”  Angie stepped closer to Fiddleford.  She cocked her head curiously.  “What’s your name, again?”

              “Fiddleford McGucket.”

              “McGucket.”  Angie frowned.  “Why’d you get a weird name when I have a normal one?”

              “Uh, ya don’t,” Fiddleford said gently. Angie’s brow furrowed.

              “Since when is Angela not a normal name?”

              “It- yer name’s not Angela.”  Ford and Stan stared at Fiddleford.  “I mean, yer nickname was Banjey, not Angie.”

              “What sorta name gets shortened to ‘Angie’ but with a ‘B’ at the beginning?” Stan asked.

              “Banjolina,” Fiddleford said simply.  The eyes of all the Pines siblings widened in unison. Stan let out a roar of laughter.

              “You- that- holy fuck, Angie, I bet you’re glad you didn’t remember that when we found you,” Stan guffawed.

              “Banjolina isn’t a name,” Angie said slowly.

              “Well, maybe not fer most folks.  But us McGuckets don’t follow traditional namin’ conventions.” Fiddleford beamed.  “You’ll see that the second ya meet everyone else.”

              “…Everyone else?” Angie asked softly.  Fiddleford nodded.  “How- how many people is ‘everyone else’?”

              “Ma and Pa, of course,” Fiddleford said. Angie nodded.  “And then you’ve got five older siblin’s, includin’ me. And Pa’s the youngest of seven, so-”

              “I- I have a big family,” Angie whispered. Fiddleford grinned.

              “Speakin’ of ‘em, Pa’s goin’ to be over the moon when he finds out you do painting.”

              “Why?” Ford asked.  Stan was still bent over, laughing at Angie’s birthname.

              “Pa always wanted to do that, but he never got the chance.  He had to take over the fam’ly farm instead.  He was disappointed that none of us seemed to like art.  We like music, of course, but most of us are more scientifically oriented.”

              “Science?” Angie asked eagerly.  Stan straightened.  He looked at Ford, nervous.  Nothing that had been said so far seemed to make Angie want to leave their family for her biological one, but science had always been a tempting forbidden fruit to her. If anything would cause her to abandon being a Pines, it would be that.

              “Yep!” Fiddleford chirped.  “But don’t worry ‘bout not fittin’ in ‘cause you do art instead. Like I said, Pa always wanted to do that, and we’re all musically inclined.  By the by, do ya have any idea what ya want to do with an art degree?”

              “Yes, actually,” Angie said.  She rubbed her arm.  “Um, don’t tell Pops, but I want to be a scientific illustrator.”

              “Why wouldn’t ya tell Mr. Pines?” Fiddleford asked. Ford now shot Stan’s nervous look back at him.  Filbrick and Caryn could be old-fashioned when it came to Angie’s career goals, and from what Ford had gathered about Fiddleford’s family, Mr. and Mrs. McGucket weren’t the same way.

              “Well, Pops wants me to be a teacher.  I told him a little bit ago I didn’t want to go into that, and he eventually backed off.  But that’s obviously still his dream job for me.  Teaching art.”  Angie shrugged.  “He- he wouldn’t be very happy if he found out I planned to do science stuff with my art degree.  I mean, he even shot down Mom’s suggestion that I be a nurse, and that’s the only scientific field he thinks a woman should be in.”

              “I- do yer parents have yer entire life planned fer ya?” Fiddleford asked, flabbergasted.

              “Uh, yeah.  Don’t you- we have any sisters?  It’s just what girls have to deal with.  Getting our lives planned for us, being set up on dates…”  Angie scowled.  She kicked the ground.  “Not being able to carry on the family business.”  One of the biggest arguments Angie and Filbrick ever had was over Filbrick’s refusal to let her take over the pawnshop.  Filbrick had told her it was because the shop needed a man to run it, and once she got married, her last name wouldn’t be Pines anymore, anyways.

              Angie didn’t like being told that.

              “No, Angie, all girls don’t have to deal with that,” Fiddleford said firmly.  Angie looked up at him in surprise.  She opened her mouth to say something, but before she could, Caryn and Filbrick returned.

              “We spoke with Mr. and Mrs. McGucket,” Caryn said. “They’ll be here tomorrow to have a family meeting about this…situation.  Only one of their children will be coming, however, because the others are too far away to make it.”

              “We need to find a place to stay for the night,” Filbrick rumbled.  He took Angie’s hand and began to lead her back to the car.  “Come on, angel.”

              “But Ford-”

              “We’ll pick him up for dinner later,” Caryn said. “Stanley Danley, come on.”  Stan nodded at Ford and Fiddleford before following his parents and sister.  Ford and Fiddleford watched them get in the car and drive away.

              “That went surprisingly well,” Ford remarked. Fiddleford eyed him.

              “Did it?” he asked.

              “If you use my family’s standards, yes, it did.”

              “Hmph.”  Fiddleford looked away.

              “What?”

              “It’s just- does Angie get treated differently ‘cause she’s a girl?”

              “Well, yeah.  Stan and I did whatever we could to help her avoid being molded into the perfect lady Mom and Pops wanted, like giving her boxing lessons and shorts, but in the end, they made a lot of decisions for her.”  Ford shrugged.  “She likes science, but Mom and Pops wouldn’t let her do that.  So she did art instead.  They’re lining up young men that they think would be a good match for her. That’s just how it goes for girls.”

              “No, it’s not.”  Fiddleford chewed on his lip thoughtfully.  “It’s not.”  He sighed. “I know you said she was the favorite child-”

              “She is.  She can get away with murder.”

              “But not with studying nursing,” Fiddleford said sharply.  Ford frowned at him.

              “What are you implying?”

              “Angie might have been treated better than you or Stan, but she still wasn’t treated right.  Yer s’posed to let yer children figure out their own paths, both in terms of career and love.  Not to mention…”  Fiddleford was silent.

              “Not to mention what?”

              “I don’t want to be rude ‘bout my baby sister that I just reunited with today.”

              “She’s not here,” Ford pointed out.  Fiddleford nodded.

              “Yer right.  Well.  Is she a bit spoiled?”

              “Oh, absolutely.”

              “That ain’t good, neither,” Fiddleford muttered. “Ma ‘n Pa won’t like that. They’ll get that taken care of right away.”

              “…How?” Ford asked.  Fiddleford looked at him.

              “Pardon?”

              “How would your parents fix Angie being spoiled?” Ford asked, crossing his arms, dreading the answer.

              “Same way they kept us from gettin’ spoiled. Don’t give her any leeway when it comes to workin’ on the farm.”

              “Why would she work on your parents’ farm?” Ford demanded.  Fiddleford crossed his arms as well.

              “‘Cause she’ll be movin’ there.”  Ford opened his mouth.  Fiddleford held up a hand.  “And ‘fore ya ask why, it’s ‘cause she should be with her fam’ly.”

              “We’re her family,” Ford said firmly.  “My parents raised her, she’s my sister!  She should stay with us!”

              “You don’t think she should stay with the family what brought her into this world?  We didn’t choose to lose her!” Fiddleford snapped.  Sudden sorrow replaced his rage.  “Though, that ain’t my decision.  And it ain’t yours, neither.  It’s hers.”  Ford’s arms fell to his sides.

              “Yeah.  It is.” He could still feel the intensity of the hug he’d been given by Angie minutes ago.  He didn’t want to lose that.  But he also didn’t want to rob her family of that.  Not when she had been taken from them by circumstances beyond their control.

              Ford could practically see Angie sitting in the backseat of the car, thoughts pinging around her skull, already trying to decide what she’d do.  Would she stay with the people who took her in, the only family she’s ever known?  Or would she go with the family she’s wanted to meet for thirteen years, who would give her the freedom she desired?

              “…Lunch?” Fiddleford asked after a minute of silence from them both.  Ford nodded dully.

              “Let’s go get some lunch.”

#I have. so much written for this AU. #and I've been thinking about it a lot lately so I figured might as well post a bit #Stanley Pines #Stanford Pines #Filbrick Pines #Ma Pines #Fiddleford McGucket #Angie McGucket #Angela Pines AU #ficlet #my writing #speecher speaks

[natsunoomoi]

So sometimes I check wikis to like look things up about a show or series that I don’t have time to read or watch the whole thing fully cuz that’s a time investment I just don’t have but I have questions I just want a quick answer to.

The problem is, wikis are of course, made by like regular people with varying levels of biases and also sometimes selective memory of events. As can be seen in my more recent posts with SVSSS and MXTX’s works I’ve been on those wikis, but sometimes the explanations of plot points and a bunch of other stuff are really confusing and circular. SVSSS’s is being more cleaned up recently, but it still has some things that it says happened, that I couldn’t find at all when reading the book and I’m just like, where did they find that info to put on the wiki?

Like one of my earlier posts when I started reading SVSSS at the beginning, I mentioned how I read that original Luo Binghe got killed by his harem eventually and I thought that made sense cuz ultimately no one in that original plotline made choices that made them genuinely happy. But when I read the book, I didn’t see any mention of that anywhere...? I think last time I went to go look at BC Novels they had one chapter left to translate. Is it in there?

Then at other times, I wonder if there’s an inconsistency because there’s a limitation between the translation I read and like something in the original Chinese text like there’s a typo, which obviously there’s a mistake then. But then other times, I’m wondering if people read a different thing, but most of the people with a different interpretation don’t seem to be able to read Chinese and are reading the same translation as me, but I’m confused where they got certain details from?

Like for instance, there’s another part on the wiki where it says Airplane originally planned for PIDW to be a BL from the beginning, but I’ve literally been trying to find where that was stated because I don’t remember that and I don’t see that anywhere and the chapter citation that is listed on the wiki goes to a chapter that doesn’t talk about that at all. Airplane/Qinghua does say that he made changes to Qingqiu’s character that were originally more complex to make him a trash human and he did that to make a living, but I can’t find where it says he originally wanted it to be a BL theme to begin with. In the chapter they cite it says that Qinghua had designed Binghe to have an appearance in a way that appealed more to a female audience and be more of a pretty boy. That doesn’t mean that he meant his entire book to be a BL it just means you make your main character look a certain way partly for internal logic because that look is really popular with women so the in-story women would probably find him attractive and in a meta sense any females who happen to also read a stallion novel like some women read shounen manga would find him hot in real life. A successful story does things like that to reach people outside of its target audience and that’s kind of a lot of the reason why a lot of Shounen Jump manga are really popular with women too even though a lot of the stories have the male perspective in mind. The chapter it cites only talks about the actual physical appearance design choice he made for Binghe vs Mobei-Jun. He just says that Mobei-Jun was made for the kind of male character he prefers to think about, but Binghe was just designed with the idea of what would make him more popular and also could kind of be like a self-insert-ish for his desire to beat on people for funsies. It doesn’t talk at all about what the genre he planned for the book to be and interpreting the text to that much is really stretching the context to wishful thinking levels. I don’t even actually care either way what kind of novel PIDW was because it’s not actually that important to enjoying the story of SVSSS, but I don’t know if it’s the Ravenclaw in me or what, but it just bugs me when there’s something that seems *wrong* printed on a thing that is supposed to inform other people. I’m literally reading chapters at the same time as trying to write this post to find where I think maybe it was said, but it sure as hell wasn’t the chapter the wiki cites.

The other day I re-read the chapter when Qinghua taunts SY with Qingqiu’s real memories, and he doesn’t even say it then. ATM, I’m trying to look through the last chapter because there’s that one part when Qinghua shows up right at the end and talks with SY at the celebration, but even at the start at the chapter, SY talks about how Qingqiu was super straight to him. SY is an unreliable narrator, but given the context of Qingqiu’s life events that makes sense. His personal trauma because of Qiu Jianluo also pushed him away from any amount of closeness he could have with other men other than ones he already trusted to some degree. He had a lot of problems forming new relationships of any kind with other men because of deep-seated trust issues. Not that he didn’t have any, but meaningful ones were pretty absent. One only because of a very sad misunderstanding and lack of communication and explanation, but the others just tough.

But like also there’s like that SJ slept in the Warm Red Pavilion and he went there just for comfort rather than more lascivious reasons. Yeah, it’s true that he didn’t go there for those intentions, but like it’s still in the environment so it’s not like he’s unaware of what happens there. I mentioned it in the previous post about his search for means to grow his cultivation, but only to say he’s probably not that innocent and there may be some truth to him wanting to do something to Ning Yingying out of desperation to make up for his low cultivation foundation. Like he’s aware of those kinds of things and he probably came across something that said that was a way he could grow his cultivation. Desperation and this motivation I think is probably the only reason why he would be so tempted to cross that line with Yingying because he otherwise treats women rather well. She is his favorite too, so if a person who usually treats females well for some reason wants to do something that would be hurtful to their favorite person, there has to be a much deeper motivation behind that. The only thing that is a canonically greater obsession I think would have to be his cultivation level. He has a number of self-esteem issues and such a well, but his greatest pride and greatest concern is his cultivation. He is proud of his abilities, but also he laments and regrets the version of him he couldn’t become so much I can foresee that if there was a suggestion that he could overcome his late start in some way by using someone female, I think he’d at least think about it and also consider who he knows could be a viable candidate should he want to act on it and that is how that part of PIDW happened. Pain and desperation make people do things that are uncharacteristic, so it has to be something that really bothers him more than in a moment of weakness that idea is there.

Which is another point I have an issue with on the wiki because it says his low cultivation is “logically” because he started late and spent so much time with a fake master. It’s not logically. It’s factually. It’s mentioned several times especially in the extras chapters from Shen Jiu’s point of view where he talks about how he is specifically behind because of wasting time with Qiu Jianluo and Wu Yanzi and also that he was the last to form a golden core. If it was coming out of SY or someone else’s mouth as an explanation, maybe you can say “logically”, but if it’s coming from SJ’s point of view chapter it sure as hell is not. That *IS* his motivation. He states it himself.

Also, I think some people don’t understand what it means to have a low cultivation foundation. Cultivation from what I gather according to the rules of this world is like a lot of talents we have in our world where you need to start young to be good at it. There’s a few skills that you can learn that if you don’t start at a specific time you lose the optimal window to develop your talent for it because of the way the brain functions and basically purges off skillsets you’re not using in your environment. 

Learning a language is one such skill. When a baby is born, it has the capability to learn how to speak every language in the world, but as it gets older its brain purges out the sounds that it doesn’t hear from its environment and this keeps going into older childhood as well. The taxi driver I talked to the other day about this said you have to start before you’re 10, which sounds about right. The phoneme purging in your brain starts quite early though so that’s why my company has classes for Moms and their 1 or 2 year old so that they can speak to them in English to try to keep English sounds in their environment so that they can have perfect pronunciation when they grow up. If you try to learn a new language when you’re older that’s how you have accents. You don’t have the phonemes to speak the language perfectly so your brain is imitating the sounds with the ones you do have. Plus it’s a constant use skill. I used to be able to speak Cantonese with no accent up until my teens, but I haven’t spoken it in so long that slowly I started to have an accent and now I can’t say the words properly anymore. I don’t know that much Cantonese to begin with that aren’t baby words, but I used to be able to say them properly.

Music is another one and that one has an even more narrow window. Kids with parents hoping that they will be music prodigies usually start them on music VERY young like 3 or 4. It’s not that it’s impossible for someone to pick up an instrument later in life, but there’s a type of sense to music and hearing the scale and developing that skill that if you don’t start kids on it at that time, their musical ear will not be as good.

And it’s that “not as good” thing that Qingqiu is chasing. He is exceptionally powerful and talented which is why despite starting late he became favored. He is very capable and good at what he does, but he is not as good as what he could have been. Even though he is so good, he is only haunted by how much better he would have been if he had started on time and had proper instruction. A musician who maybe wants to be a concert violinist but took up the instrument late may struggle to get a good seat in an orchestra because despite any talent they have, their ear is not as developed as someone else. Such a musician would be vexed and lament that they hadn’t discovered their love for the instrument sooner just as Qingqiu is vexed and laments that he didn’t start proper cultivation development earlier.

And I’m griping about SVSSS more because I read that book so I have more points of reference to go on. But like the wikis for MDZS and TGCF aren’t much better. MDZS is maybe a little more coherent and easier to follow, but TGCF confused the hell out of me and it took me awhile to understand what was going on. I really needed it though cuz I was watching the donghua and like I think the way they present some of the scenes is like slightly out of order for like foreshadowing and other like film reasons, so I checked the wiki while watching to try to get more context cuz I don’t have much time right now to pick up another book at the moment. I was so confused though cuz like...it seems like the logic in the entries is so circular and I’m trying to keep track of all the characters and what’s happening. I hope it’s better now but at the time I was watching it I was so confused and struggling to make sense of what’s happening.

And like maybe you’re wondering why if I read the book, would I bother checking a wiki. Mostly out of laziness because I’m thinking of something and I don’t want to go find the exact chapter to help me flesh out my thought and reference point. I end up getting more frustrated sometimes depending on what I’m looking up because of the above things.

Plus again I’m like a bit mystified as to why Qingqiu’s look seems to appeal to me. It’s not just him though and like other characters with a similar style in some of the games I play. I think there’s some imprint from some very old childhood memory that I only vaguely remember. Like it’s a look that seems familiar, but I can’t put my finger on where it’s from and I can’t figure it out, so I keep just going to check images to see if it will make me remember. I think it’s a movie I saw with my Dad as a young child, but I can’t remember it at all. I remember there was one Jet Li movie I watched with my Dad once and I ended up watching all the time cuz I thought Jet Li was really cute in that movie (I was also 3 so I don’t know why I’m thinking that way, but whatever), but like Jet Li was bald in that movie because it was about a Shaolin Temple. I think at the time my Dad showed me that movie I already showed an interest in movies from my own heritage, so that’s why he showed me that. But like I can’t remember anything else. I suppose it could have been something my grandpa watched because sometimes he’d watch a Chinese movie when I was playing in the living room and I’d stop to watch too and then he’d fast-forward through the intimacy scenes, but because I’d just look over at something he was already watching I have no idea what any of those were.

[marcilled]

5 years

It was 5 years ago today that a humble little minecraft server first opened its gates. 5 years ago, I started @quixol​ with a team of 8 friends. Today, only 4 of those original friends are still on our Staff team, and the server is a shadow of its former self.

There’s a lot I could talk about with Quixol, but before I get into it, I just want it to be known that this is a highly personal post from me. This isn’t an official announcement, but seeing as I’m an admin, it’s definitely of pertinence if you are someone who is a part of the Quixol community.

If you’re new to following me, or just don’t know what I’m talking about: Quixol is a trans-friendly minecraft server started by me and a few pals back on November 16, 2015. It’s primarily populated by folks from here on Tumblr, and is an LGBT+ only community. Over its 5 years, it’s gotten over 1600 unique players. And... Well, there’s a lot of history that took place during and after that, I can’t hope to summarize it here. You can see more on the about page on our blog.

So, yeah. Today is the 5-year anniversary of Quixol. Pretty big deal! And... we have nothing in store for today to celebrate that huge milestone. Pretty big bummer. The prior 4 years, the anniversary was the single biggest celebration of the year. We typically tried to schedule large server updates to coincide with the anniversary, just to make it feel that much more special. So, on the day that marks a whole half-decade of being online, why do we have no plans? It’s a long, complicated story. I’ll only be able to tell you my side of it. Everything written below is from my perspective, and doesn’t necessarily reflect how others think or feel.

Regardless of the lonely feeling on the server now, I just want to say, I’m really glad I could host such a fantastic community for so many years. Thank you everyone who has made the past half decade so special.

Long retrospective below (plus, discussion about Quixol’s future):

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Where to begin... All I can say at the start here is, don’t expect anything coherent, I typed this up while sleep deprived just the night before posting this, without much forethought of what I’d say in it. I just feel I need to get these feelings off my chest before I can mentally move on, you know.

Before I delve into this, I just want to put this sort of disclaimer at the top here: Despite how gloomy I make things sound throughout this post, Quixol is and was an amazing place, that I’m so glad to say I got to play such a pivotal role in. I wouldn’t trade my time here for anything. It’s been an honor to serve as an Admin over such an incredible community. I’ve seen countless new friendships forged, plenty of laughs and fun times to be had... I’ve even known several couples that met through their time on Quixol, I’ve known several people that came out or discovered more about their identity/gender/sexuality while on Quixol. It’s a great community, despite its flaws, and what we did over these past 5 years is nothing short of spectacular. I’m forever thankful for everyone who helped make this place as special as it is- you’ve all been such great friends. Thank you.

While I may speak a great deal about some of the lowest lows that happened on Quixol, you better believe it had some of the highest highs as well. Keep that in mind, so you know why I’m spending this much time and effort to commemorate this server that I’ve called home for so long.

I’ll start here with a rough timeline of Quixol... I’ll even include some screenshots for you all.

Old World (Nov. 2015 - Mar. 2017, mc 1.8 - 1.9)

Quixol began back in 2015 like I mentioned- whitelisted at first, but moved on to being unwhitelisted at a later date (I believe it was summer of 2016). Hundreds of people joined after the whitelist was removed, in just the first month or so. We owe that initial success to how much our blog post about the server got shared around, it served as a nice advertisement for the server. It was only posted to tumblr, so everybody who joined then was from the same sort of social sphere of 2016 tumblr. It was pretty lively, and we made lots of friends very quickly. A lot never logged in again after the first initial burst, but a fair amount stuck around.

The server started on minecraft version 1.8, which was before the end update that introduced elytra & all the controversial combat changes. Most people never even saw the server on this version, though, since it was still whitelisted when we updated to 1.9. The world we used back in 2015-2016 eventually got deleted at a later date, however we did provide an archive of this old world to download, it’s... somewhere on our blog, you can go find it if you poke around a bit. (Assuming the download hasn’t been removed from the website I uploaded it to, which would make sense since it’s just 20 gb sitting on some server doing nothing).

While there was plenty of merriment, there was also the fair share of drama. I can’t even hope to recall all the drama that happened in 2016, but one of our og mods got banned completely after the rest of the staff sort of woke up to the realization they were incredibly abusive. There’s lots of other stuff that happened then- I wish I could tell the “full tale” as it were, but it would be so long-winded that almost nobody would bother to read. Plus, my memory isn’t very good, so I would need to dig through old blog posts, discord messages, screenshots, etc etc to jog my memory... way too much work.

Protos (Mar. 2017 - Nov. 2018, mc 1.11 - 1.12)

2017 came around, and that’s when we updated the server to 1.11 and created a new world (Protos). That update happened on March 26, 2017- I remember because march 26th is my birthday, and the other staff made a cute little celebration for me on that day and I literally cried from how happy I was. It was the nicest thing anyone’s done for me in a long time. (God, I miss those times.)

A lot more happened during this time period, and honestly I’d consider the period in which Protos was our main, active world to be the most consistently active the server has ever been. It wasn’t always exploding with activity, but the people who joined and played during this time were consistent. And we had a relatively consistent influx of new players.

There was a lot more drama that happened during this time... More staff members left, mostly of their own accord (but never on a wholly positive note). Drama amongst some of the veteran/long-time players, arguments over how to interpret and enforce our rules.

Regardless of the troubles, I’d say this period was overall quite positive for Quixol. We even brought in our first batch of new staff members during this period.

Ghalea (Nov. 2018 - Present, mc 1.13 - 1.15)

I believe late 2018 was when we updated the server from 1.12 to 1.13. We rushed the update to this version quite a lot, which was a shame since it ensured the server had an egregious amount of bugs to work out, and lots of missing plugins/functionality. With this update, we made another new world (and, our current main world): Ghalea.

Regardless of buggy behavior, we managed to hit what I believe is the all-time peak concurrent player count we have ever gotten, which is something like 54-56 players playing at the same time. The server chugged so hard, I’m surprised it didn’t crash. All of those parties were so stressful to put on, but at the same time, incredibly fun and fulfilling to see when lots of people showed up and had a good time.

Funny, though: despite the success of the server, 2018 and early 2019 are the closest the server has ever gotten to absolutely tearing itself apart from internal staff drama. By early-mid 2019, several staff members ended up getting banned one after the other. So that left us with very few staff by that point (only 6 active staff, myself included, if I remember correctly).

2019 should have been a great year for Quixol, seeing as it was what many people referred to as the “minecraft renaissance”, “the great minecraft revival”, etc etc etc. However, the drama amongst the staff, coupled with drama in our personal lives, and just an all around lack of staff members to kick things into gear, resulted in a pretty lackluster year compared to the previous 4 years.

Despite all of that, we worked tirelessly to complete our greatest project yet, Chroma Park, just before our 4th anniversary on Nov 16th, 2019. It took a whole team of builders to complete, and several months in preparation/building.

With such a grand project completed, you would expect it would result in a flurry of new activity on the server... unfortunately, it ended up being almost the opposite. Because we called upon our “build team” to help with it, (several talented veteran players who volunteered their building skills), nearly all of our active players suffered some serious burnout after the major project they just completed. Lots of people just weren’t feelin’ up to minecraft anymore... And, that spelled the beginning of the end, really.

The culmination of this was that, going into 2020, activity on the server just... plummeted. Then, we all know what a shit year 2020 turned into. That just furthered feelings of burnout. I made another personal post about this, back in April- explaining why I had been relatively absent from the server for a while. It goes into more detail about the “hiatus” at that time, what caused it, why it continued so long, and how my personal feelings were at that time. Give it a read if you want. It even goes more in-depth about some of Quixol’s former staff, and how toxic behavior from them may have negatively impacted the community (especially in 2018-2019).

So, basically nothing has happened on Quixol in 2020... I took the time to update the server from 1.14 to 1.15 back in July, just so that the server was on a more stable version of minecraft- but all the effort poured into that resulted in basically nothing happening. Barely anyone even noticed, because it was such a minor update focusing on bug fixes. I hoped it would get the ball rolling again, but it just wasn’t enough.

While I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel just yet, I decided it was for the best if I put any plans on the backburner for a while, and focus more attention on building infrastructure back up again. I spent some time researching sysadmin stuff, and looking into upgrading my PC. I set up a new discord bot that we’re currently using on Quixol, & have in a few other discord servers I’m active in.

Then, I got tossed one of the most difficult months of my life in a long time pretty recently. It’s very recent/fresh, but suffice it to say, a decent chunk of what made it such a horrible month was related to drama within the Quixol friend group, particularly... me being a shitty friend. I made another post about this a while back, but I won’t link it since it’s a bit vague and not super relevant to what I’m talking about here. Just know, September this year pretty much demolished any feelings of hope I had for continuing work on Quixol.

So, that leads us to... Today. The 5th anniversary of Quixol.

Where did it all go wrong?

Now that I’ve laid out as quick a summary of the past 5 years as I could, I want to talk about some of the mistakes we made along the way. The people that made Quixol what it is, and how that history always seems to tie me down.

To tell you the truth, saying that “it all went wrong” sounds horribly pessimistic to me. Sure, I felt pessimistic going into writing this, but... Just looking back on everything we’ve accomplished, there’s never really a point where it “went wrong”. Moreso, Quixol has had its fair share of flaws baked in from the very beginning. But, perhaps those flaws are what made it what it really is. I can’t go back and change the past, and neither can you. Perhaps the best we can do is just accept Quixol for what it is, and acknowledge its shortcomings while allowing ourselves to feel happy about the good memories we do have.

While I’m not going to cast away every pleasant memory I have of Quixol, I must admit I find so many of them tainted and forever changed, just because of how many people entered this community, made their stay known, then left or were cast away on a sour note. There are countless people that were a huge part of Quixol, of my life, my friends, that I don’t speak to anymore. People that hate me. Maybe even some that I hate.

If I go back and think fondly of those times, I remember how the people in those memories largely don’t think fondly of me anymore. I remember all of my mistakes, all of the ways I could have avoided that outcome. All the ways I could have worked with those friends, to work out our differences, to just fucking communicate. Sure... some of those friends, there was nothing I could do for them. Nothing I could do to make things work. But, all the same... it stings, thinking of everyone I used to know. Not knowing who is still a friend, or who simply has no need for me anymore...

So much of Quixol’s history is tied up in knots this way. Complicated webs of emotion, suffocating in the tethers to its past. So many things built on the server, just wasting away, never to be touched again... New players won’t even know it. They don’t know, can’t know the history behind those blocks that were placed. It sounds a bit silly talking about it this way, but that’s how it feels to me. There’s real history behind each of these blocks, all of the little farms and structures and silly signs. So much of it, nobody even knows. But it wears on my heart, knowing all of that history, and feeling so disconnected from it. Feeling cast away by the people who forged those memories.

It’s a disconnect that’s always hurt, to me. Maybe I’m just too sentimental, nostalgic. Maybe I cling to the past too much. But it feels impossible to ignore... So much of what made Quixol what it is today was left there by people who want nothing to do with me, us, anymore. What does that say about Quixol? About me...? About our group?

There’s a lot I could say about this, but it’s stuff I’ve mentioned before. I hang on too tightly to the past, and am often too critical of my own mistakes. But, sometimes the past is just the way it is, and there’s not much that can be done about it. Regardless, I find myself feeling regrets about every little thing that went wrong, and thinking about where all those people are now... Maybe one of them is even reading this right now. If you’re out there, hey. We can still talk. I’m not going to hold a grudge on you forever. It’s ok.

My influence

Since Quixol began in 2015, I’ve tried my best to be nothing more than an “Admin” of Quixol... not the “owner” or “lead admin” or “founder”, just “admin”. I hoped I could encourage the other admins to be leaders in their own rights. While each of the admins we’ve had has been great leaders in their own respect, I feel that every one of them has been, unfortunately, tied down by my influence to some extent.

In most aspects of life, I’m a very timid, indecisive person. I’m incredibly anxious, and lack confidence to a worrying degree. However, a different side of me can be seen in the safe, comfortable environment that Quixol provided for me. Surrounded by friends and people who I felt really got me, I became comfortable enough to show some level of confidence in myself... In all honesty, for a long time, I was never able to recognize this self confidence for what it was. I really was not, and mostly still am not, used to feeling confident in myself or my own abilities. Like, at all. So when I actually feel good about myself, like I actually know what I’m doing... Well, for a really long time, I didn’t even process it as such. I just felt like I knew the right answers, and that was it.

On Quixol, this often manifested in a specific way... Being proud of my own knowledge & skills with minecraft, I would insert myself into any discussion about Minecraft, the server, or just anywhere I could, and offer up my knowledge, opinions & help. This hardly sounds like a problem, but... The problem was just in my unwavering presence. I was everywhere on Quixol, you couldn’t escape me. I dominated the space with my presence. Not that I interrupted people (usually...?), I just would try to put myself anywhere a conversation was happening, assuming it was, like, appropriate for me to do so on some level.

Whenever I chimed in with my thoughts, eventually there became this sort of air of almost... superiority about it. This feeling that my word was “final”, or that I had some layer of expertise on everything, and that if I said what you said was right, that was a pretty good indicator you were on the right track. I didn’t pretend like I was infallible, and I don’t think anyone ever saw me as that. But the perception was generally that if Vivian says it, that holds weight to it. Perhaps this is somewhat unavoidable of a staff member, but... it was this way even amongst the staff.

I never really realized that I was creating this environment within the community, because it happened rather slowly. But as things moved along, other staff began to pick up on this (perhaps subconsciously). Including even the other admins. Quickly, my own insistence on doing things a Specific Way, became “the Right Way” to do things on Quixol... Whether I intended it or not.

Now, this is something I didn’t know until quite recently, but I actually have OCD (undiagnosed, but it’s glaringly obvious to me at this point). My ocd comes out in minecraft, and specifically Quixol, quite a lot. I have very ritualistic ways of doing things, whether it be while building a project in-game, to managing specific parts of the server- we have a very detailed format in which update logs are written, and I have very specific rituals related to updating plugins on the server, taking backups, etc. Even just the way I play survival minecraft has sorts of rituals in a way, like specific patterns in which I place torches. I’m not too educated on ocd, so excuse me if I’m using some terminology of this wrong, or if I’m spreading some sort of misinformation about it. This is just my experience.

Anyhow, with the extremely regimented way I manage things on the server, coupled with my constant presence in things, you can understand how this might lead to other admins, who have their own mental illness issues, to become very averse to doing a lot of admin-related duties. After months and months, years, even, of this sort of stuff... and... yeah. That leads to where we are now.

With my selfish behavior in the past, I’ve unintentionally created this staff environment where people are reluctant to make their own decisions, show their own creativity, etc. And that must feel incredibly frustrating if you actually want to do something to make a difference on Quixol...

I’m not even accounting for all the times I’ve butted heads with the other staff before, either. While much less frequent, I’ve definitely had arguments with folks in the past. And with the great amount of influence I hold over the server, it takes a lot of courage to stand up to what I say.

I’ve always resented that I hold this position of power over everyone else, and tried many times to address it. However, I don’t think I ever quite had a full picture of why things were this way. Now, I think I understand it better. Sadly, it feels too little, too late to make any significant changes without uprooting pretty much everything we have set in place already. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m being too pessimistic here... But, this is how I feel at the present moment.

I’m sincerely sorry to any current or former staff members, who have wanted to do something great for Quixol, but felt they could never convince me to go through with your idea... Or who felt pushed away from doing something they otherwise would’ve liked to, just because the attitude I gave, the environment my presence created, made you feel like you weren’t good enough or qualified enough to do it. You are good enough. I’m so sorry that my actions made you convinced otherwise...

I will say, this sort of mindset of mine, that I have to be the Most Right about anything relating to minecraft, or any hyperfixation/special interest of mine, has caused problems elsewhere, too. I talked about this in another post I made. I’ve only really come to realize all this stuff within the past few months, but I’ve been a really terrible friend to a lot of people. I never even realized until recently just how often I struggle with empathy, and how that’s colored so many of my friendships. Needless to say, it’s affected things on Quixol before, sometimes without me even realizing it.

My influence over the community also means if anybody’s relations with me in particular ever become marred, it must inevitably result in them leaving the community because there’s simply no escaping me. There’s not really anything I can do about this, though, aside from doing whatever I can to become a kinder, more

I’m far from a perfect person, and my imperfections seeped into so much of what made Quixol what it is. However, it’d be silly to suggest that I’m the singular reason that Quixol is flawed, if anything, that would be another form of arrogance- assuming that I singlehandedly shaped the way Quixol took form. No, it was always a team effort, and every single staff and community member held great influence of their own.

The Future

This part is probably why many of you clicked on this post... You want to know what’s going to happen to Quixol. You likely noticed I’ve been referring to Quixol in the past tense a lot in this post. Honestly, I’m not sure why I did that, it just felt the most natural to type it that way. But, I will be honest- the future of Quixol right now isn’t looking very bright.

This is a personal post, so I don’t want to deliver any sort of formal announcement about plans for Quixol here, especially since I haven’t run this post by the other staff before posting it.

For the past 2 and a half months, I’ve been taking a very long break from Quixol. Much greater than any previous break of mine... I’ve neglected to even log in for weeks at a time. I still keep an eye on the discord server, and check the mc <-> discord bridge channel to see which players have been logging in. But I have little to no motivation to play, even just casually.

While I’d love to give you some fun cool news about how this hiatus is ending soon and I have a million and one projects planned, that simply isn’t the case. I’ve gotten to this point where I’m rethinking everything about myself, who I am, and what I’m doing with my life. Surely, I can’t dedicate all my time and energy to running a minecraft server for the rest of my life, even though I do care deeply about this community. But at the same time, it’s not really my call to shut down Quixol, and I’d hate to pull the plug just because of my own lack of motivation.

So, for the time being at least, you can probably consider Quixol to be on a sort of “indefinite hiatus”. I am generally the one to update plugins, do major server updates, etc., and I likely won’t be doing any of that any time soon. I fully entrust the other staff to handle that stuff if they really want to, and I’ve expressed that to them already. But as things stand, nobody else seems to want to pick up the torch right now. Shit is rough for pretty much everyone, and we’re all equally burnt out. We’ve all grown up quite a lot since Quixol began, too. So... Don’t expect anything anytime soon.

If there are any updates, they’ll come in our Discord server first.

As for me, personally... I just need time away from all of this. It’s clearer than ever to me that I have a lot of personal problems I need to work on, and I think that the cozy safe environment provided by Quixol didn’t challenge me enough to really address those issues. I need time to focus on myself & my own growth. At the same time, I also feel like I need more experience being a part of a team, instead of just running the show. I’m not getting the kind of enrichment I need from running Quixol, so I’m trying to turn my attention elsewhere.

I’m doing this not because I want to abandon you guys, or because I feel like I want/need to move on from this community. It’s just... Something I need to do, for myself. And I’ll still be around, I’m still gonna be posting to my tumblr & twitter and stuff, and you can still reach me on discord. I’m just focusing my time elsewhere for once.

What does that mean for the future of Quixol? I don’t really know yet. But, for now, it’s not going anywhere. It’s just... also not changing anytime soon. Not even a little bit. I’m sorry to give you this disappointing news, but I hope you all understand.

I miss the good times on Quixol, too. I really do. Maybe we can share them again sometime? Who knows...

For now, that’s all.

It breaks my heart that we don’t have anything glitzy and glamorous to do to celebrate Quixol’s 5th anniversary... But it would be asking far too much of the staff to set anything like that up right now. Maybe we can have some sort of celebration later...? I dunno.

I hope you’re all staying safe & healthy out there. Thank you so much for reading this. I love all of you.

Happy birthday, Quixol.

#vivi bleats #txt #Quixol #long post

[wickymicky]

my top ten favorite kpop singles of 2021 so far: first quarter edition (january-march)

10. Pixy - Wings: I’m not as into this song as other people, but it’s grown on me, and I think they have a lot of potential. I did not expect a group called “Pixy” to have this dark of a concept haha, I like that. I like the choreo and overall performance of it too, I think that’s the highlight for me

9. G Idle - Hwaa: Not my favorite G Idle title track, but I do think it’s in the top half. It’s interesting to me that they did this song, since it is pretty much all in Korean, there’s no English whatsoever (the only English is a “yeah” at the beginning haha), which for a group like G Idle who has used a lot of English in the past and is very popular internationally is kind of a bold choice, and I’m into it

8. Ateez - Fireworks (I’m The One): I’m still not fully sold on Ateez’s direction post-Wonderland/Answer, with the “end” of their pirate concept (possibly, it seems complicated lol, idk, but you know what I mean anyway), but I do kinda like this song! It sounds kinda like... European lmao. Like I keep thinking I hear accordion in the drop, but idk maybe I’m just imagining things. I mean all that in a good way, btw. Like a good kind of European (if you can imagine such a thing)

7. Shinee - Don’t Call Me: As someone who only got into kpop in 2019, and didn’t even get into a single boy group for like 6 or 7 months (and even then, for a while I just had one single token boy group lol), Shinee isn’t a group that I had checked out much from until fairly recently. I’m still new here, I suppose lol. But yeah idk, this song is good! I love the production and their obvious charisma and talent. Like, I can tell even just from this song that their reputation is earned. It’s just a solid release

6. Purple Kiss - Ponzona: I do prefer Skip Skip, but I decided to limit this to singles and title tracks. I also prefer My Heart Skip a Beat (by a lot, actually), but that came out last year lol. This song has really been growing on me a lot though! Like, a lot actually. I like the violin, I think that’s a really interesting touch haha, I feel like that adds so much to the way the song sounds overall. Yuki’s rapping is impressive too, I like her flow in every song I’ve heard her in so far, especially since she writes her raps herself and Korean isn’t her native language. Honestly that’s one of the most impressive things about Purple Kiss... they seem to be involved in writing all of the things they do! That’s SO RARE for a group to do right from debut, especially for a girl group! I think that’s a great sign that things are changing, and girl groups are being taken more seriously and being allowed more creative freedom than ever before. Ponzona was literally a song written for a monthly evaluation when they were trainees. That’s really impressive. Skip Skip was too, but yeah lol. 

5. Pentagon - Do or Not: I mentioned that for a while I just had one token boy group that I liked, and that was Pentagon haha, they were my first. I like that this is a return to their fun sound, but in a different way... like, this song doesn’t sound anything like Shine or Naughty Boy lol. Pentagon are just really good at conveying passion in their songs and I think that shines through here too! I like the way the bass and percussion sound, that’s just quality mixing lol. I also love that even though it’s this kinda pop-punk-ish-doo-wop-ish kpop song, it still has a bit of sadness underneath the fun, which is something I think is a trademark of Pentagon’s style haha. But mostly, it’s fun

4. Tri.Be - Doom Doom Ta: The main reason I checked this out was because it was written and produced by LE from EXID, and you can really tell haha. In fact, her voice is in the song at certain points, and like... she has a really distinctive voice lol. Anyway this song is like a pretty hard commitment to this Latin/moombahton kind of sound, and I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that trend in kpop, but either way, I do think this song is a bop. I’ve had it on repeat way more than everything below this point, in fact all the songs in this top 4 I’ve had on repeat like an order of magnitude more than the songs from 5-10 lol. it’s been a slow beginning to the year. I don’t have a lot of specifics to mention here about Doom Doom Ta, I just think it’s an earworm 

3. Weeekly - After School: This was really highly anticipated for me, because I love their previous title tracks. Tag Me especially is a song I consider to be almost perfect, which is not something I say about very many songs at all haha. I personally don’t think After School is quite as good as Tag Me or Zig Zag, but I do really like it! It’s always good to get more fun, exciting, unashamedly catchy songs haha, it’s a breath of fresh air. I love this concept for them too, I think it fits them really well! They’re just a lot of fun. This mini-album, We Play, is my favorite of theirs so far too, though that doesn’t necessarily affect my placement of this song in particular

2. Cherry Bullet - Love So Sweet: God damn, this song is really good. It’s really simple, but that works to it’s advantage imo. I love that the background melody of the instrumental during the verse is the same as the vocal melody in the chorus (or at least very close), that’s just super satisfying. Ending the song with an extended “da da dadada da da” segment was a big risk too lol, that could have been annoying, but idk I think that really is one of the highlights of the song. This song feels like the kind of song where the songwriter came up with that melody and went “YES! this is IT! YESSSSS” and they knew they had come up with something really, really catchy, and they built the rest of the song around showcasing it. And it works!

1. Dreamcatcher - Odd Eye: This probably isn’t much of a surprise lol. But similar to After School... This isn’t my favorite Dreamcatcher comeback, and tbh I think it’s my least favorite of the Dystopia trilogy. But like... that’s still enough to make it my favorite song of the first quarter of 2021. It’s great, I love the way they do the cyberpunk concept and sound without going into the synthwave direction like Everglow La Di Da did. I love La Di Da a ridiculous amount, but I just mean that it’s nice to see variety even within a similar overall concept. Also! Handong is back! And she crushed it! In previous title tracks she and Gahyeon often got the least amount of lines by far, and the least amount of screentime and such, and Gahyeon definitely got times to shine during Scream and Boca and made it clear that she’s leveled up a lot, and I was really hoping that Odd Eye would be able to do the same for Handong (without sacrificing Gahyeon’s screentime and lines)... and yeah, it really was, lol. Handong was all over this song, and her voice reaaaaaally complements this sound. This group has no weak links, and obviously all of us already knew that, but now even the people who only casually listen to them know that without a doubt too.

idk... i’m not totally sure about this list but that feels mostly right to me i guess. I feel like Odd Eye is definitely my favorite so far, but to be honest I don’t feel like it’s the Song of the Year. like, if it had been released in 2020, I don’t think it would have made my top 10. If nothing better than Odd Eye comes out for the rest of the year then sure, it will be my SOTY haha, but idk, I just think that there hasn’t been anything *truly* great so far yet. And that’s okay... I’m very picky about this kind of thing. I don’t give high scores to things that don’t deserve it lol... and like in my opinion there were only 4 songs in 2020 that are the kind of near-perfect instant-soty song I’m talking about, and three of those four came out in the second half of the year. So the fact that I don’t think anything so far has been at that top level isn’t a bad thing, and isn’t really something I’m worried about. I think we definitely have not gotten the best songs of the year yet (unless everything else ends up sucking lol, but idk i hope thats not what happens...)

oh also there was an WJSN comeback today, and that would probably have been on this list, but I havent heard it yet because i was waiting until I finished writing this haha. like, since it came out on March 31st, tbh I’m just gonna count it as an April comeback, so i’m sure it’ll be in my list for the second quarter that i’ll post at the end of June lol. i mean, unless i dont like it. but i’ll probably like it haha.

#in terms of debuts so far... personally im more into and excited about purple kiss.. tho i think doom doom ta is a better song #long post #2021 list #thoughts tag

[bakudekwho]

Fireflies - Bakugo Kastsuki x Reader

Fireflies - Bakugo Katsuki x Reader - 3.1k words

      Bakugo had always found himself enraptured by your presence and hated himself for it but when he saw you sneaking out of the dorms every night his interest only grew stronger until he found himself following you out into the woods quite late in the evening. Only to find you doing something not so conspicuous as he had initially imagined.

( YG/N ) - Your given name

( YL/N ) - Your last name

( H/C ) - Hair color

( E/Y ) - Eye color

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Masterlist                           Wattpad and Ao3 posts available on the masterlist

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       Bakugo couldn't understand why you of all people, one of the most goody two-shoed people in the class snuck out of the dorms almost every night. He himself wasnt known to pay much attention to his other classmates but you had always interested him and when Class 1-A had moved into the dorms the interest only grew.

      At the beginning of the year, he paid no more attention to you then he would a speck of dust, just like the rest of the students but as the year went on he began to notice things, you weren't scared of him at all maybe you found his anger and harsh temperament startling from time to time but in the end you always ended up laughing him off. At first that had bothered him... A lot... maybe more than a lot he loathed you for quite some time if he was being honest. He couldn't understand why you sought to beat him and that stupid nerd in everything as well. He and Deku may be at the heart of the rivalry but in every competition you were right behind them, it annoyed him at first just like his hatred for you did but after a while, he began to notice other less annoying things about you which only managed to make him more annoyed.

      He didn't need distractions so when he began to pay more attention to you he only got a worse attitude when you were around. You sat in front of him in class and he always found himself staring at the back of your head during Mic's English lessons or noticed his eyes following you when you found your seat with Deku and the rest of his loser friends at lunch.

      When this started happening he only found himself adopting a meaner personality than usual with you but again you just continued to laugh at his attitude. More than anything about you he hated the fact that he had zero impact on you while sometimes the only things that would pop up in his mind were stupid facts about you.

      The first night he had witnessed you sneaking out was a school night, it was very unlike him to be up past 9 pm, he was an early riser after all and needed his sleep but it was the first time he had actually lost track of time wondering about you. He was staring absent-mindedly out his front-facing window when he noticed movement down the yard. He looked down to notice your unmistakable head of (h/c) hair ( he could identify it quite well after all he spent a lot of time looking at it ) but he was confused as to why you were out. Curfew was a solid 8 pm and they got in a decent amount of trouble if they were found outside of the dorms any later. He glanced at his clock and it read 10:23 pm. He was upset with himself for staying up so late but he continued to watch you none the less instead of going to bed.

      You looked up at the school building, you were clearly checking to see if anyone was watching you. His lights were off so he doubted that you could see him but he refrained from moving anyways. Seemingly satisfied that no one was watching you you started quickly down the path away from the dorm into a wooded area. He was highly confused at this point and didn't understand why you had left the dorms at such a late hour and without anyone else at that. He knew he should just go to bed and ignore it but he couldn't help waiting up for you even if you didn't know it. The world wasnt safe for UA students anymore he was only doing his duty as a hero right...?

      It had been nearly an hour before you returned, his clock read 11:15 pm and he noticed that you were now carrying a glowing jar. Being so far away he couldn't tell what was in it other than flickering light but he again had to refrain from moving closer to the window to get a look. Your quirk didn't have anything to do with creating light so this only interested him in your situation more. Though after you had entered the building he refused the thought of leaving his room to confront you. That would mean admitting that he had noticed you leaving ad coming back and he refused to acknowledge that he cared one bit.

      This went on for some time, he would watch you leave ever night and come back with the same jar of glowing light. His sleep schedule now became accustomed to staying up until you came back every night. He always made an excuse for himself about it, never actually thinking of the fact that maybe he just cared about what you were doing literally EVERY night of the week.

      He had enough at about the 17th time it happened... not that he had been counting or anything like that. He waited at the entrance to the boy's side of the dorm ad you walked right past him. He waited a few seconds after you had walked out of the building before following you. He followed behind you for about 15 minutes before you moved past the tree line and into a clearing. It was the same one where you and the rest of his dumb classmates help picnics on the weekends but it was now quiet and he could see little sparkling orbs flying around.

       You moved into the clearing as sat under the single tree that inhabited it. Bakugo didn't go past the treeline in his fear of getting caught so he just watched you. Before he knew it there were floating lights all around the clearing. It took him a few moments to realize they were fireflies or lightning bugs as some people would call them and he finally came to the conclusion that the jar you brought home every night had fireflies in it.

      He felt stupid, he had thought of some of the worst scenarios when he watched you leave school but this was not one of them. You left the dorms every night to simply enjoy nature and him being an idiot thought you were off meeting some boy from the other classes.

      Feeling more like a stalker now than ever just standing there staring at you as you stared at the bugs with the jar empty behind you he turned to leave.

      " I know you're there Bakugo one of your talents is not stealth no matter how you excel at everything else. " he stopped short as your voice rang out over the clearing.

      He was practically frozen. " You're not very covert, " you continued " maybe if you're going to watch me through the windows you shouldn't sit pressed up against the glass. "

      You had seen him??? He was sure your eyes had passed right over his dorm each time but maybe you were a lot sneakier than he thought.

      He turned around and walked past the remaining trees and into the pale light of the clearing. " If you noticed me beforehand why didn't you just say something? " He asked. There was no point trying to come up with an excuse especially if you had seen him all the previous times you had left.

      You brushed off his question " They are very pretty arent they, where I lived before we came to the dorms was so populated that they were a rare sight. " You finally looked over at him and he decided that one of the few things he didn't hate was the way the light from the bugs reflected in your eyes.

      " Come sit with me, there's no reason for you to be standing there, this is the best place to watch them from. " You said eyes drifting away from him and back to the fireflies.

      He didn't know what he was doing, he should head back to the dorms and get some rest but disregarding that he strode over to you and took a seat leaning up against the broad base of the tree.

      This had to be one of the most ridiculous things he had ever done and he couldn't believe you weren't angry at him. He had practically stalked you into the woods in the middle of the night who even does that???

      He had obviously lost himself in thought once again because all of a sudden you were laughing and he felt his ears turn pink. " What are you laughing at.. Extra " the word on the end was almost added as an afterthought but he couldn't bring himself to call you anything else.

      " Well Katsuki, " you said using his given name causing his face to feel hot " your face looks funny. " That shocked him, he was normally the blatantly rude one but now he was the one being made fun of.

      " Oh yeah and what's so funny about it? " He said

      " It gets all scrunched up when you lose yourself in your mind, for someone who hates Izuku so much you two have a lot of the same habits. " You said plainly to him.

      He felt himself sputtering at that "How... How dare yo- " he began before you cut him off.

      " Would you like to catch some lightning bugs with me? " you said amid his sentence. He couldn't help staring at you with his jaw slack then. What was even happening in his mind? Did he actually ... want to do that with you, what a childish notion but all the same when you held out an extra jar to him he found himself accepting it and standing alongside you.

      " I usually get around five, some of them fly too high for me to get so you might have better luck! " you said. You wandered around the field trying to gently coax some of the bugs into your jar. Bakugo just followed not even attempting to catch some of his own and just watched the delight in your face as you walked around after the small insects.

      You turned and smiled at him and he could swear his heart skipped a beat. " You know I can't sleep without a light... " you started turning away from him again " So I come out here and get natures own light and bring it into my room. " You finished catching your third bug.

      If anyone else had told him that he would have been on his ass laughing but it only endeared you to him more. You always came off as such a badass during school competing with even him for attitude on occasion and yet here you were catching your homemade nightlights and spilling what should be embarrassing secrets right to him.

      " Why would you tell me that of all people? " he asked " You hate me.. " he ended it with stopping short. He finally said it out loud the thing that bothered him most about you. No matter how fascinated he was with your personality... you absolutely detested him and it all of a sudden felt wrong for him to be anywhere near you. Someone so good shouldn't be around someone as crude as him and that's what he hated, he hated that even for you he couldn't change himself he couldn't tone down the explosive attitude that came with his power because he had been doing it for so long he didn't even know how to.

      You turned around and capped your jar of bugs and set it down on the ground behind you lightly before reaching out for his. He offered it up with no resistance he hadn't even tried to gather some of his own and now he regretted it, maybe it would have stopped him from letting his emotions get the better of him a few moments prior.

      You placed his jar down on the ground net to yours and faced him again, he was ready for you to tell him that he was right, that you really did help him and he was no better than Mineta for following you out into the woods but you didn't. No, actually you walked right past him and over to the tree to sit down again and proceeded to pat the ground next to you once more.

      He once again should have left at this moment, he knew he couldn't handle the vulnerability that he had at this moment, he knew it was time to shut himself down once again but he couldn't help it and so he walked and sat next to you once more.

      You looked up at him and he really noticed the difference in height then and almost smiled. But he sat there and braced himself for you to talk.

      " I like you very much Katsuki you're very intelligent. I don't think I've hated you. " You said smiling at him.

      That astonished him to put it plainly, people often told him how amazing he was the yhad been doing it since he was little. It was always how strong he was or how intimidating. It was never on his intelligence which was maybe something he valued even more than his strength.

      He didn't know what to say but you continued to speak " At the beginning of the year I didn't understand why Izuku seemed to admire you so much, yes you were clearly very powerful and your control over your power was impressive but you were so rude to everyone at the beginning that I didn't get it for a while, so I started to pay attention to you. " You swallowed once and looked away from him before continuing " You are extremely smart and even when it seems like you don't have a plan you manage to execute things in ways I know our other classmates couldn't think of so I started to admire you too and when I noticed you watching me when I left the dorm I was worried at first that you would bring it up in front of our other classmates but you pretended not to know so I pretended not to notice either. " You finally looked back at him again smiling at the clearly dumbstruck look on his face. " I felt safer knowing that you knew which direction I went in after a while. All the league attacks made me worry about leaving the dorms for quite some bit but I knew that even if you didn't like me that much you would protect me. " You finished talking and stared up at the moon " You're going to make a great hero Katsuki I can tell even now because just being in your presence makes me feel safe. "

      The shock of your words finally settled in his stomach, " I ... make you feel safe? All I do is scream at you! " He exclaimed the first words that came to his mind without stopping himself.

      " Yes you do, King Explosion Murder. " You said giggling at him.

      His face turned red at the use of his stupid idea for a hero name... it had seemed cool at the time.

      " We should go back, " You said standing up and shoved the empty jar into your bag while you held the full one to your side " We wouldn't want to get you to put on house arrest again now would we? " You stated all but ignoring your emotional output a few minutes ago.

      This whole night seemed like one of not having control over his own body but he stepped towards you and took your face in his hands. Your eyes were filled with bewilderment as he leaned down and placed a kiss on your forehead and then proceeded to grab your hand.

      " You're right, let's go back." he couldn't look at you his face felt so red that he wouldn't let you see him like this and so he forged ahead with your hand in his right into the woods.

                                                        ---

      It took about 15 minutes to arrive back at the dorms and at no point did his hand leave yours. Even when he opened the door for you his own hand found its way back to yours as you both walked to the elevator. When you finally arrived at the part that split off from the boy's side to the girls he turned towards you again. " You said earlier that you thought I didn't like you. " He said looking down at you for the first time since the clearing.

      You hummed in agreement to this and looked down at your still clasped hands. " I'm now starting to think I might have been wrong. " You laughed grinning at him.

      " You definitely were. " He said leaning down once more to give you a proper kiss goodnight.

                                                          ---

                                                  +Bonus Scene +

      He yawned as he made his way down the stairs into the common area. He hadn't made it back to his room until at least 12:30 in the morning and he thanked whatever was out there that today was an off day for him and the rest of the class.

      He entered the common room and had to suppress a delighted smile as he saw you on the couch with Mina and Sero laughing at something one of them had said. He stuck his hands in his pockets and made his way over to where you all sat and tried to ignore the hot feeling in his face as he saw you light up at his presence.

      " Good morning Katsuki! " You said brightly to him and gave him a dazzling smile that almost made his heart explode right there. Mina and Sero both looked back and forth between yourself and him. Not even Kirishima was allowed to use his given name that couldn't be right, even a few of his other classmates turned around at this and ogled the situation before them.

      " Good morning firefly. " He said smirking at you, you smiled at the name and blushed a bit as he sat down right next to you and threw an arm right over your shoulders. Everyone now turned around at this point, they were used to him giving people nicknames but not... cute ones.

      He decided he was going for the wow factor today for sure as he made himself look deeply into your eyes and laid his lips down right on yours in front of the whole entire class.

      There was definitely a lot of gasping but what really made him smile was the high pitched scream from Kaminari " wHat ThE HeLl iS hapPeniNg!?!?! "

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       Thank you all so much for reading and I hope you have a super PLUS ULTRA day! 

#mha bakugo katsuki #bakugou #mha bakugou #mha #my hero fanfic #my hero academy fanfiction #fanfiction #myheroacadamia #my hero academia #katsuki #bakugo katsuki #bakugou katsuki #bakugo x reader #bakugou imagine #bakugo #bakugo imagine #bakugou x reader #my writing #bakudekwho masterlist #bakudekwho

[darthspideys]

My thoughts on Phase 4

I AM SO EXCITED FOR PHASE 4 let me just start with that. Just generally, without knowing much about the movies or trailers or anything I am pumped. It looks so cool and there are going to be so many more heroes in the universe and that makes me so happy. I know some people want more focus on like the characters from previous phases but I love that they're staring out with new stuff because its the end of the infinity saga and they want to showcase that before immediately going into sequels and threequels. 

Before I get into specific series and movies I want to talk about a couple of general things:

Disney + : I don’t like that “phase 4″ also includes the series(s). don’t get me wrong, I love them like series(s) were my favorite announcements of the night but like it’s weird that they're technically counted in the phase. It makes me feel like if you don’t watch the series you're going to be missing a plot point from a movie which would irk because its a lot easier to buy a movie ticket once or twice a year than to pay for a streaming service every month (though I’ll give Disney this 6.99 isn’t a bad price that's only like a dollar more than Hulu with commercials) . 

The logos: Look I know logos aren’t everything but like some of those were... how you say garbage? terrible? a crime? Like some of them were spiderman far from home advertizements bad in terms of graphic design (I’m sure we’re going to see a lot of people using the ‘graphic design is my passion’ meme and it's totally appropriate). Not all of them we’re bad though, like The Eternals one was soo good, I liked how the background was kind of like a starry night, and the Shang Chi one good and the Doctor Strange one was okay. The Hawkeye logo was *chefs kiss* perfect, I love how they took the Fractions Hawkeye logo and updated it a bit because wow yes. The Loki logo was so bad I can’t even look at it, the fan made ones were so much better, loki I’m sorry you deserved better than some clip art that I think makes a word.... and the wandavision one was just werid but then again everything about them is werid so

The casts: MARVEL HAS THE BEST CASTS EVER that’s it im saying it, no I do not take constructive criticism. Say what you will about the movie but like the amount of talent that has been and will be in the mcu is astounding I mean we had RDJ and Chris Evans, who are amazing and Brie Larson (who by the way has a freaking oscar) and now we’re going to have Salma Hayek, Richard Madden, Kumal Nanjani, Natalie Portman is back, MAHERSHA ALI IS BLADE LIKE WOW (I think he has an oscar too correct me if I’m wrong), Awkafina is gonna be in chang chi (I love her sm), and so many others just the amount of talent is astounding. 

The diversity: SO MANY WOMEN. AHHH JAne foster as female thor??? Our first LGBTQ character (confirmed at least) is going to be a bi black woman??? AMazing??? Another headlining black superhero with blade?? 

Moving on to the actual movies and shows. I’m putting a read more because idk if I’m going to talk about every individual announcement but I might so-

My favorite announcement by far had to be the Hawkeye series, because KATE BISHOP BABEY. She is my favorite marvel comics character and soon to be mcu character :) and now she’s going to get the love she deserves and more people will know about her which makes me so happy. Also it’s interesting that they didn’t announce her casting, so I have hope that maybe they will cast someone asian since that’s always been my headcanon for her even though she’s white in the comics. I’m trying not to use a lot of screaming in caps sentences but just know when I think about Kate being on my screen I AM SCREAMING. When I first saw the post about the series I cried because I was so so happy. And fingers crossed this series is taking cues from the fractions hawkeye comics because that really encapsulated Clint’s character in a way the mcu... hasnt (I really hate mcu clint but that’s a story for another time) so I hope that while they introduce Kate they also fix mcu’s clint and make him actually likable.  (if you couldn't tell I really really don’t like MCU clint.) or at the very least not screw up Kate like they did mcu clint. 

Next up THE SAMBUCKY SERIES. (I know it has a real title but like thats long and I can’t spell soildier to save my life sooo yeah I’m gonna call it the sambucky series in tags and stuff). I know not alot of people are talking about this because we already knew that it was happening, so it’s like yeah we already saw that but seeing Mackie and Stan up on stage together just made it feel so real and it made me so excited. And then Mackie was holidng the shield and I was like ahhhhhhhhhh hes freaking captain America!!! I could write a million essays about why its so important that hes cap and why it means to much to me and a lot of people but,,, another post for another time. But anyway these characters and the actors who play them have so much good chemistry that I can’t wait to really see it. One thing I’m not so excited about... the logo. There was a totally different logo when Disney + originally announced it and I liked that one so much better, this one is just... clunky?? idk but it’s not having that big an impact on my life lol its more of an annoyance then anything. 

I feel like now I should mention an actual movie.. 

THE ETERNALS. I’m going to admit I don’t know that much about the characters or the team (which I will soon fix when I do my wiki deep dive to find out everything) but if your judging just by the cast, this movie is going to be great. I mean the amount of talent in this movie is outstanding and I really have high hopes for what it could be. 

Doctor Strange: The multiverse of madness intrigues me more than I thought it would. Like for starters the name is pretty ominous, and the fact that we’re getting an actual confirmation/movie about the multiverse (far from home really let me down in that regard) is really exciting. Also it’s supposed to be the first “scary” mcu movie, I don’t know how scary they can get with a PG-13 rating (which I’m going to guess there going to try to keep because there’s a big chunk of the fanbase that’s young) but that really made me interesting. ALSO WANDA MAXIMOFF IS GOING TO BE IN IT, so that makes me so excited for it because although I’m not the biggest fan of Wanda's character (which I blame J*ss Wh*don for completely and her lack of characterization in the rest of the mcu and the complete nerfing of her powers.... another post for another time.) I’ve always wanted to see her and Steven use magic togther and I’ve seen a few panels where Wanda, Strange and Loki form a little magic squad which I WOULD VERY MUCH LOVE to see put on screen (minus Loki I’m guessing), also maybe this movie will fix a little bit of her characterization? One thing that makes me nervous about this though is the teaser that it “directly connects” to the wandavision series, if I’m not able to get Disney plus and watch the show I don’t want to have missed out on plot points for the movie but I guess we’ll see. 

since I mentioned it already, lets talk WandaVision. The logo as a mentioned earlier is so very bad, but- yeah idk it’s just very bad. Also the name is really werid? like wandavision with no space? It’s like they went to tumblr, found thier ship name and was like ‘that sounds like a great name for a show’ (that is their ship name right?). I was not planning on watching this show at all UNTIL I found out that FREAKING GROWN UP MONICA RAMBEAU is going to be in it. I didn’t think they would ever bring her up again in the mcu so I’m so happy that she is going to be in this show and I hadn’t even heard any rumors about this so it was a really fun suprise. Am I sure that they are only putting her in the show so that people will watch the trainwreck that is wanda and visions relationship? Yes. But will I fall into the trap because of Monica? YES. But I think this show could be good if your willing to get past the obvious weridness of human girl is in love with basically a robot, a human looking robot sure if your being generous and maybe not fully a robot (a synthoid?) but it’s still werird because he's not human.  I’m curious to see what timeline they use for this, because vision is still dead at the end of endgame. I guess they could use the 2 years between civil war and infinity war but that’s just not a lot of time for a complete story (and if this show “directly connects” the doctor strange 2 then that means that movie takes place pre-thanos as well which would be werid) 

That all being said, I am really excited to see Wanda’s character done by someone who isn’t J*ss Wh*don or the R*ssos because they screwed her up so bad and she was such a badass and powerful character in the comics (my personal theory is that all of these men saw that and went ‘a powerful woman? more powerful then men? we can’t have that around here’ like what was done with Carol in endgame). 

BLADE. We don’t know much about this movie and I don’t know much about the character but I AM PUMPED even though we don’t have a release date for it yet. I just think Mahersha Ali is so talented and I love Black lead heros so yeah. 

THOR: LOVE AND THUNDER am I a little sad they didn't use Thor Four: More thor as our queen Gina Linetti suggested? Yes. But I love this title and it’s just crackhead enough to be acceptable. I’m so happy that this movie is being made, because  1) someone has to make up for the first two thor movies somehow, 2) someone has to fix the mess the R*ssos made of thors character and 3) Thor Ragnarok made me actually like thor as a character, so I want to see more of that Thor. ALSO JANE FOSTER AKA NATALIE PORTMAN IS BACK??? AND SHES GONNA BE FREAKING FEMALE THOR YES YES YES (that picture of her holding the hammer? wow. powerful. showstopping. amazing) I can hear all the dudebros screaming about how much they hate it but 1) who cares what they think? and 2) its completely comics accurate which is thier usual lame excuse for misogyny so they can suck it. ALSO VAL IS THE QUEEN OF ASGARD AND TESSA SAYS SHES GONNA FIND HER QUEEN so we’re gonna get REAL CANON BI VAL (aka out first lgbtq mcu character who is also a woman of color which is so amazing and important!!!!) ANYWAYS THOR IS GOING TO BE AMAZING, its the movie I’m most pumped for AND THE LOGO IS AMAZING and thank you takia watiti for coming to save us. 

Black Widow... hmmm... I’m not as excited for this because one it’s not that much of a surprise since we’ve even seen set photos for it and because Scarlett Johanssen, I just don’t like her. I like Nat as a character even though Scarlett has the acting range of a celerity among many other issues but yeah. I’ll still go see the movie because girl power, and the more female led movies are successful the more they’ll make and more it’ll make the stupid dudebros and misogynists in training at my school mad. Also Rachel Wietz is talented and I liked David Harbour in Stranger things (or you know the 5 total episodes I’ve watched) 

Shang Chi looks like it’s gonna be good, and idk what the ten rings is but uhh I like it. And I love that we’re getting the actual modern and hopefully they’ll do a little flashback or callback to iron man 3. ALSO AWKAFINA 

What if? I love what if comics just because it’s a cool concept and it’s nice to see what if but this feels kind of pointless almost??? Idk I just don’t know why its here (also I originally thought this was going to be on hulu so I’m bitter about that). But I’m interested to see what kind of animation style they’ll go with (which honestly is a huge factor in whether or not I’ll watch it), and depending on what stories they do, if I watch it I’ll probably just end up skipping around and only looking at certain ones. 

Spiderman 3, Captain Marvel 2, Black Panther 2: I’m super pumped for all of these!!! I mean especially after that cliffhanger at the end of spidey (which I’m still shook about). I cannot wait to see my girl carol again, and hopefully her movie will explain what’s going on with the “kree sleeper cells” that skrull maria hill talked about in ffh along with what the heck talos and his wife were doing on earth while fury is in space? (also a cute little reuinion scene between fury and carol?) (also also what the heck has carol been doing since captain marvel and before endgame) (also also also plz give me carol rhodey and intoduce jessica drew thanks) okay so maybe I’m asking a lot of this movie but yknow..and I’m always up to see more Okoye because she is iconic and I love her. 

Fantastic 4, Look I know there's been a bajillion fantastic four movies and they were all bad ( I personally liked the one With Micheal B Jordan, Miles Teller and Kate Mara)  but I have faith in marvel studios. I mean they did take a basically unknown hero and turn him into one of the most beloved heroes and launched that single movie into a cash cow 23 movie freaking franchise (I’m talking tony stark and the tony stark cinematic universe by the way)  so I think they can pull off the biggest miracle of all time and make a good fantastic four movie. 

Mutants... I don’t really know what they mean by this? Like do they mean X men? Or a new movie called mutants? Or mutants themselves will be peppered into the mcu? I think that it shoud be one of the last two options. Just because even if the x men don’t show up for another 2-3 years its still kinda soon to just reboot the whole thing? (also I don’t think that Jean Gray should be recasted because Sophie Turner slayed that role despite the writing being terrible), even the fantastic 4 movie the lastest one will be 6-7 years old by the time marvel reboots it so- also the x men have just been so overdone by fox in bad ways that I feel like if theyre going to use mutants which they should they should do a new team and pull out some lesser known characters and or just put mutant heros in the mcu which I would love to see. 

annnnd an hour later.. here we are. If you made it to the end, thank you because I had a lot to say. 

#phase 4 #marvel #marvel sdcc #sdcc #mcu #mcu phase 4 #thor #thor love and thunder #love and thunder #shang chi #mutants #fantastic 4 #black widow #spiderman 3 #captain marvel 3 #black panther 2 #what if? #blade #wandavision #sambucky #sam wilson #bucky barnes #hawkeye #kate bishop #clint barton #gabby says

[overdrivels]

hey torby do you think a one column or multi colum tumblr is better, portfolio wise? im not looking to apply to any artist alleys or whatever any time soon but im curious

Personally, I like multicolumn. I can see your art in a single instant without needing to scroll or make it overly complicated for myself. Some other judges might be cool with single, but everyone has their own opinion.

Though I would be careful about using Tumblr to showcase your art for artist alley. If you do, make sure your Tumblr only has your art and nothing else. Some people have literally just given me their main and left me guessing as to which is their art and which isn't. I don't have time for that--over 100 portfolios an hour, Duck, 100 an hour, that sort of speed is illegal in some states--and some judges will ignore it even if you have a 'my art' tag or something on the side. Make it easy for us to review your stuff.

This goes doubly for Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, or any platform not made for solely for art. (But to be fair, even a few of those platforms are really rough for me to go through. The best I saw which I don't recommend because some people might not react well is someone creating their portfolio on imgur solely for the application. That was so easy to scroll through. But some judges don't like that, so YMMV.)

I had an applicant where they linked their Facebook page and the first six posts we're about them getting rejected from artist alleys. I couldn't move past that to find their art. And when I finally did, there was only an image of their table and some merchandise at really hard to see resolutions.

There is a surprising amount of thought that should go into portfolios, but just some minor points:

Should be semi-professional and contain what you feel is your best work up front. I hate link hell where I have to click through 5 or 10 links to get to your images or there is a link for every category that shouldn’t be a category. (e.g. Site > Works > choice of pencil/charcoal/oil/Photoshop/Adobe/Maya/whatever > Fanart > TV Shows/Anime/Manga/Movies/Comic Books > Dr. Who/Supernatural/etc. YOU GET THE POINT.) Not to say that you can't have sketches or doodles or need a paid website, but just make it easy for me to determine what you're trying to showcase or sell as your product.

Test loading times. If it takes forever to load your images, you may want to resize, lower resolution, or use a different file type (unless it seriously compromises your image quality).

Too small or too low of a resolution. I know what I said in the previous point, but if your image is so small that I can't tell the quality, chances are I'll think you stole it or have no idea what you're doing. If you don't want it stolen, you can watermark the shit out of it.

I love seeing people showcasing their specialty instead of what they think is popular or what might sell. There was an applicant who is skilled, so fucking skilled, at drawing plants. So much plant theme. It was in almost every piece and they did it so fucking well. I didn't care it wasn't anime, but it showed they knew what they had confidence in and what they were doing. They made that a centerpiece and I'm like, '...yeah. YEAHHHHHH.'

More than one or two pieces, please. I can't tell your skill level or what you plan on selling from just one piece or picture. Please, give me some shit to work with.

Please update and clean up your portfolios. I see portfolio where there's been 3 gorgeous pictures in the last year and then there's work from 6 years ago immediately after where the art is miles apart. That gives me whiplash. Don't give me whiplash. 

I don’t recommend putting your art in chronological order. For the same reason as above. Best works first. 

There’s a lot that goes into this stuff and I sometimes wish I could call these artists and be like, “Hey. Your link is broken” or “Hey, I would love it if you could display some of your [specialty] stuff because it showcases your talents better” or just give general advice on what to do so that they have a better chance. but I can’t do that for several hundred people. So this is all I can do. 

#ask #aliceinmisanthrope

[weregonnaneedmorewhiskey]

Why is Nicki Minaj tarnishing her legacy?

Oh this is gonna get some attraction right here. It’s fine, I'm ready for the smoke. First off, I would like to say that I think Nicki Minaj is very talented and she has definitely made an impact on female hip hop and just hip hop in general and has made great music.  I, at one point was a barb. I loved Nicki ever since bedrock. I made myself learn all of her verses and watched all her music videos and interviews. It was well known that I loved Nicki with a passion. However within the last three years, Nicki started to rub me the wrong way. She started to come across very bitter and petty. 

First example was the 2015 VMAs when the nominations came out and she complained about the VOTY nominations and not being nominated for Anaconda and accused the VMAs for being racist. Bare in mind 3 of the 5 nominees were POC, this is a reach and her body shaming Taylor in the process was not cool. Thankfully Taylor & Nicki made up and performed at the VMAs. Then loads of people including Remy Ma & Lil Kim said that Nicki made been stopping them from getting work. This is completely uncalled for. You do not stop someone from making money. Period. 

Now let’s fast forward to the last year, the Queen Era. This could have been a great era for Nicki. She hadn’t released an album since 2014 with The Pinkprint which side note Only & Truffle Butter was my shit at one point. They were a whole bop. Back to the subject, people had been waiting for Nicki’s follow up to The Pinkprint. She released Chun-Li & Barbie Tingz and it created a buzz but not the same buzz as her previous singles. Then the Zane Lowe interview happened where they discussed MotorSport and Cardi. Nicki’s statement of someone of if her (Cardi’s) stature worked with someone with my (Nicki’s) stature, I would be grateful...yeah. This statement for me came across as very arrogant and before any plays the race or gender, I would like to say that I am a black woman. I do not care if it was a man or a woman regardless of their race who said that, that is a conceited thing to say and come across as an asshole. Nicki, who claims that she is about woman empowerment and specifically black woman empowerment seems to never have any support for fellow female rappers. She should have used her platform to support female newcomers and yet she used her platform to support Tekashi 69, a sex offender and public troll. Nicki did receive a heavy amount of backlash for her collab with 69 and claimed that she was being picked on the public for her collaboration despite the fact that Gaga had released Do What You Want with R Kelly in 2013. Now as huge Lady Gaga who at the time loved that song, do I think Gaga should have featured R Kelly? HELL NO! But if I look at the time which was 5 years ago, R Kelly was looked at a musical genius and this was before the Me Too movement  whereas FEFE was. 

Nicki’s constant statement about Cardi not showing her genuine love is hypocritical because one: Cardi has shown her support for Nicki in the past and two: Nicki has never shown genuine love for those who have paved the way for her to be where she is today. Then Queen debuted at Number 2 on Billboard 200. Travis Scott’s Astroworld is number 1 for a second consecutive week. And she claims that Travis tried to cheat the numbers with having album bundles. And yet Nicki two days after Queen was released added FEFE to the tracklist despite it not originally not being there. Now you tell me who was trying to cheat the numbers here? Then she tries to place the blame on Kylie and Stormi. A baby is the reason for your album not being number 1.Wow. This was damaging for Nicki’s image because she coming across a sore loser and ungrateful which I 100% agree with. If you really wanted to point the finger at why the album wasn't number 1, point it to your barbz that instead of streaming or buying the album are instead sending death threats and trolling on twitter in the hopes of getting a like from you. Heartbreak On A Full Moon only had three days of sales tracking and debuted at number 3 and Chris was grateful for the album going gold in the first week. And then you go on Ellen and saying you want to punch Travis Scott in the face. If Travis Scott had said the same if Queen went to number 1, he would get MAJOR backlash and his album would quickly fall off the Billboard 200.

And Cardi’s numerous Instagram posts, Cardi really came with the receipts. I’m just link the video because I'm not break this down. Cardi has every right to defend herself and her name as it was being defaced especially when Kulture was being brought into this. That is disgusting. Cardi said it best “focus on your craft because you’re out here, fucking up your legacy looking a fucking hater” and that is 100% true. The barbz that don’t buy/stream her music and stay on twitter have fed her ego and have allowed to become this caricature of the “bitter black woman” and if anything Nicki’s words about Lil Kim have come back to haunt her. The rants and the cancellations on her tour in which yes, many artists have cancelled concerts but not when the show should be taking place. You do not have fans waiting for two and a half hours to cancel the gig. From a former fan’s perspective, it’s saddening because she is an incredible artist. The Queen era should have been much more successful but her attitude and her ego is preventing that. I do hope that Nicki will eventually change this but as of late, I don’t see this happening.

#nicki minaj #music #blogger #blogpost #hiphop #travis scott

[steakandvodka]

How Malec shows affection:

Fair warning, this is going to be a long post, but I just need a way to process my thoughts on this, so here goes nothing.

About a week ago, I made a post about how I was looking forward to Magnus making some similar declarations of love that we’ve seen Alec make a lot in these past few episodes. And while I’m definitely still looking forward to this, I’ve spent a lot of time since then thinking about why things are the way that they are, and I think I’ve come up with a decent rationale behind it. 

It all comes down to where these two characters were at in their lives when they met. Alec was a repressed gay man when he met Magnus. He spent his entire life shoving his emotions deep down to focus on his duty as a soldier. Talking about his feelings was not high on Alec’s priority list, even to people he knew would listen, like Izzy.

And then Magnus Bane comes along, and Alec’s feelings are so strong he literally cannot repress them any longer. Magnus seems to see right through him, and Alec has to work even harder to shove his desires to the wayside in order to fulfill his duty. All of that stress builds to a breaking point that takes place in the wedding that wasn’t, where Alec kisses Magnus in a room full of his family, friends and Clave representatives, effectively coming out of the closet to everyone that matters to him. 

To fans who have been watching the show since the beginning, it probably feels like Alec has been out for ages, but in the timeline of the show, it has only been a couple of months. Alec is still just recently out, and he is still learning what it is like to be honest about his feelings for this incredible man who, for some reason, wants to be with him too.

Think about how overwhelming that must be for a second. For the first time in 20+ years, Alec Lightwood is allowed to express himself openly, and without restraint. And he has this amazingly talented, generous, beautiful man in Magnus to express that to. Yeah, you would probably take every chance you had to tell him how much you loved him, too. Alec would probably scream it from the rooftops if he could.

On the other hand, Magnus was in a totally different situation when he met Alec. He’d been comfortable about his sexuality for centuries. Magnus may be insecure about a number of things, but his bisexuality is not one of them. He doesn’t need to verbalize his emotions like Alec does, because he already fully comprehends them. 

What Magnus is insecure about is his relationships — specifically, his capability to be loved. As established in the show, Magnus has been in plenty of romantic relationships before Alec, but every single person abandoned him in some way or another. He probably made several of the same declarations Alec has made to his past lovers, but that didn’t stop them from leaving. 

While I don’t believe Magnus is unsure about his relationship with Alec, I do believe that, even subconsciously, Magnus might be holding himself back from making some of these statements as a way to protect himself from potential heartbreak. It’s a defense mechanism, or a bad habit he picked up after centuries of loneliness, because expressing his feelings out loud makes them that much more real. His heart is still guarded to some extent, but he’s slowly learning that Alec is different, and that maybe he doesn’t have to keep his walls up around him. 

But as much as Magnus tries to bite his tongue, he can’t hide his true feelings in his actions. We see the depth of Magnus’ love for Alec through his actions, and boy, do we see it a lot. Almost every time they’re on screen together, Magnus proves how much he loves Alec, and he doesn’t have to say a word. 

Think about how hard Magnus worked in season 1 to convince Alec that he didn’t have to hide himself from the world, and that he deserved happiness just as much as everyone else. Think about how Magnus nearly drained himself of his magic trying to keep Alec alive in 2x03, before they were even officially together. Think about how Magnus offered up his loft for Max’s rune celebration, even though it meant dealing with Maryse and a number of other rude shadowhunters, just because he knew how much it meant to Alec. You would not put in that amount of effort for someone unless you really loved them, and Magnus does. 

And honestly, actions speak a whole lot louder than words anyway, and Alec knows that. That’s why we never see him insecure about his relationship with Magnus. He never worries that he might love Magnus more than Magnus loves him, because Magnus shows him how much he loves him every day. 

And as a side note on the topic of verbal declarations, it’s worth mentioning that Magnus has probably heard the same declarations Alec has made from previous lovers plenty of times. He’s probably heard them so much that the words themselves should have lost their meaning. But Alec’s declarations mean so much more because of the way that he says them. 

Because Alec doesn’t make grand statements like, “I don’t think I can live without you,” or “I’ve always dreamed of meeting someone like you,” or “I’m not going anywhere,” with any sort of dramatic flare. He doesn’t say it to win Magnus over or because it fits the mood. He just says it because it’s true. He always says these things in such a matter-of-fact tone, because to Alec it just is that simple. Loving Magnus is as easy as breathing, as certain as the sun rising in the east, so why wouldn’t he say it like that?

But that is why Magnus is so stunned by these statements every time, because he’s not used to being loved so purely as Alec loves him. When Alec says these things the way that he does, Magnus can’t rationalize them as Alec just saying something in the heat of the moment. He’s forced to accept the words for what they are — that Alec loves him wholly and unconditionally. And Magnus can’t quite comprehend that yet. 

#okay i'm done #if y'all have thoughts on this i would love to hear it #I'm open to discussion on this so feel free to message me #long post #analysis #malec #shadowhunters

[creideamhgradochas]

Thanks to the lovely @abovethesmokestacks for taking the time to answer these! Get to know more about lovely Pia, go give her a follow and then show her some love!

These questions are from this list. You should check it out, there’s 50 questions all together and they’d be great to ask your favorite fic writer!

1) How old were you when you first starting writing fan-fiction?

I started back in 2008 when I was 21 years old.

2) Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

I do enjoy both, but lately it's been more reader inserts. It's challenge to write a good reader insert, to make them a natural part of the setting, to make them relatable to your audience and find a way to make them click with the other characters. Because they are meant to be a character you should be able to see yourself in, it tests your ability to make the character both approachable to a wide range of readers, yet specific enough to mesh with the story. 

3) What is your favorite genre to write for?

Well, I have been called the angst queen on numerous occasions. Apparently I am a sucker for making myself and others hurt. 

4) If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

Oh Jesus, probably one of the Twilight fics I wrote during the dark days of my ff.net run. I got swept up in the hype and with a few exceptions, I have no qualms about tossing those fics into a volcano. 

5) When is your preferred time to write?

When I have both inspiration, motivation and time. Sadly, sometimes that happens at night and let's just say I have sometimes sacrificed sleep in favour of a story. Generally, though, I don't have a preferred time of day.

6) Where do you take your inspiration from?

From anything and everything. Something I've seen or heard or experienced, videos I've seen, songs I've listened to.

7) In your Sweet Dreams - Assorted Flavors fic, what’s your favorite scene that you wrote?

The final scenes of Assorted Flavours is close to my heart. Same with the scene in the Easy As Pie-chapter where they discuss Bucky's metal arm.

8) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it?

I haven't made major amendments. Someone may have pointed out typos or missing words which I have edited, but nothing storyline-wise. 

9) Who is your favorite character to write for? Why?

I am a sucker for a lot of Seb's characters, especially Bucky and Hal. And Chris Beck. They are fun to write and there is so much that can be done and explored with them. 

10) Who is your least favorite character to write for? Why?

I wanna preface this by saying it's not so much I dislike them as I find them hard to write well. Tony and Thor hard for me to write because I can't seem to connect as easily with them as I can with other characters, and I'd hate to do these guys wrong.

11) How did you come up with the title for the Sweet Dreams - Assorted Flavors?

This is the eternal struggle with me, to come up with a good title. I knew I wanted something that alluded to reader being a baker and one my Spotify playlist shuffled to Emily Browning's rendition of Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This). For the sequel series, I wanted to continue on the same theme, and my friend Loup helped me land on Sweet Dreams - Assorted Flavours. 

12) How did you come up with the idea for Sweet Dreams - Assorted Flavours?

I am not entirely sure anymore, but it may have included a conversation about Bucky Barnes (or Seb, or both) and cupcakes, and evolved into an idea about Bucky finding a nightopen bakery during one of his nightly walks through Brooklyn (because obviously). 

13) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

I have two. One is a Twilight fic that I abandoned and deleted when I left behind my ff.net account for good. It was never going to get finished and I didn't want any WIPs on the account. I didn't delete the account, it's basically there as an archive, but yeah. Deleted that story because I was never going to finish it. The second fic is a Gilmore Girls collab fic I started YEARS ago with a friend from Australia. It was put on hiatus when my friend started writing original fiction. That one I would love to finish, but I don't know how likely that is.

14) Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to?

None that I am really aching to do a sequel for. That being said, with the right inspiration, I could possibly nake a third fic in the little verse I created with Hal in Cling To Me and Cling To You.

15) Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

Surprisingly, no. I've been happy with the endings to all of my fics.

16) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

Are we talking other fanfic writers or other fiction writers? For fanfic writers, just go into my fic rec tag. All of them are immensely talented in their own way. I will give special props to the writers of Not Easily Conquered because what they did with that series has fucked me up for life and I have the tattoo to prove it. For fiction writers, I do love Rowling for what she created with Harry Potter. I remember reading the books as they were published and just... I was mezmerized! I also love everything Neil Gaiman writes, it's dark and quirky and has that little something that takes hold of you. I can reread Pullman's His Dark Materials over and over just for the amazing world and mythology he created for that series. 

17) Do you have a story that you look back on and cringe when you reread it?

I usually don't reread stories I haven't clicked with, so not really.

18) Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?

Both. I have a Bucky playlist on Spotify that I usually crank whenever I am writing a fic that features him. But I can just as well write in silence.

19) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story?

Yes. I cried while writing With Him I Will Stay and Goodbye for example.

20) Which part of your Sweet Dreams fic was the hardest to write?

There wasn't one part that was specifically harder to write than others. I do sometimes get stuck on transitions, how to move from one scene to the next as smoothly as possible. If anything, writing Sweet Dreams has taught me that sometimes it's totally okay to just shift scenes and not make a big deal out of it. Not everything has to be complex.

21) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow?

Often I have a rough idea of how I want things to play out, focus points that I want to include that function as pit stops for me as I write. The only time I haven't made a clear outline was for Kintsugi. I let the prompt guide me and hopes like hell it made sense.

22) What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fanfiction?

That it's a process and you learn. I was so worried about writing perfectly. When I started out in the Gilmore Girls fandom and posting at ff.net, it was really common to have a beta reader. I was new, I had no one to beta read and I kept obsessing over getting things right until I realized that I didn't HAVE to have a beta reader and that yeah, I made mistakes but I could learn from them and from reading other what other people wrote.

23) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

Maybe Snapshots. Or my T.J fic. I love them both dearly.

24) In contrast to 23 is there a story which gets lots of love which you kinda eye roll at?

Not to the point where it's an eye roll because I do like the attention my fics get. I was very surprised though by the amount of notes that flooded in for a drabble called Fight Night.

25) Are any of your characters based on real people?

I haven't really made use of a lot of OC's. Aiden from Make Me Feel Like I'm Real is the only one that qualifies and with him it's all in how he looks. When I came up with him, I had a very vivid image of a man that looked like a mix of Donald Glover and Daveed Diggs. His personality came quite naturally as he started interacting more with T.J.

26) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

There are so many that have made me blush so hard. One that I remember very vividly was when @lostinthoughtsandfeelings-blog commented on Soft Devotion that it made them feel the same kind of empowerment that the Wonder Woman soundtrack evoked!

27) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten?

I have been very lucky so far in the criticism that I've gotten. Mostly it's just been typos or something similar that's been pointed out. When I started out on ff.net there were a few who commented that they didn't understand where I was going with a certain story. I think for one fic I got a comment about having dragged it out for too long, but that's about it.

28) Do you share your story ideas with anyone else or do you keep them close to your chest?

I do share some of them, simply because I get excited about them or because it's an idea that comes from a conversation that ends with "I need to fic this!!"

29) Do people know you write fan-fiction?

My husband knows, but he doesn't really know what it is (despite my attempts to explain). A few of my old school mates know I write, but otherwise no. I don't really talk about writing fan-fiction with people outside the fandoms I write for.

30) What’s you favorite minor character you’ve written?

I love Steve's parts in Sweet Dreams, and anything that involves Sam.

31) What spurs you on during the writing process?

If I'm writing a series, the feedback from previous chapters do so much to encourage me. Feedback in general motivates me. I often ask friends to give me feedback on certain scenes or passages while I write and seeing their excitement does a lot to help me push through and finish.

32) What’s your favorite trope to write?

AUs and A/B/O for sure.

33) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about?

I can't remember exactly which one, but it was a Gilmore Girls fic.

34) If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

I'd love to say fluff, but angst just hurts so good, and getting screamed at in caps-lock is kinda fun.

#milestone celebration #ask the author #abovethesmokestacks

[barebonesblonde]

Lust, Laughter, and the Land of Oz

Remember what things were like before COVID? Yeah? No? Because I do, just barrely.  Here’s something i wrote just before it hit, in February, just three months before i got sick -- i was feeling pretty good mentally, too.  Hadn’t had to take my anti-psychotic in about 4 months, and was still happily in my I’m-single-for-almost-four-years-and-don’t-want-to-change-it mode.   

I know i’ve been bitching pretty incessantly for the past few posts about this ”relationship” that ended recently, but the fact is, things never got the chance to get physical (COVID, hello) so i suppose technically, i never broke that 4-year streak.  ANYWAY. Here’s where my head was concerning sex, love, and all that nonsense before the shit hit the fan.  Since we can’t backdate things on here, i’m just copying it from my Wordpress blog and throwing it up here with a long-winded explanation before i move on to other subjects, and close the book on All Things Romantic for awhile.  I just wanted to post this to remind myself where i was coming from before things took a wrong turn, now that i’m feeling better; 

Which is that sex is perfectly good and fine and healthy, but i suck at the whole relationship thing, and i need to remember that before getting involved with anyone (particularly since my ASPD -- not so much my SZA -- crap tends to impede my judgement in that regard, let’s be honest. I am often attracted to unhealthy types, and that’s not good for me, as i’m working hard on getting better, not feeding the Beast).  

What this shows me -- and reminds me of, is that i’ve been attracted to happier, healthier types lately. And that’s really a good thing. While things may have ended on an unpleasant note with this last one, and he definitely wasn’t the healthiest guy in the world, he was FAR from abusive and horrible.  He was just immature and flighty and a host of other things, but not the usual fare i tend to go for (i.e., somewhere in the neighborhood of my diagnosis, but the evil, ultra-narcissistic, super fucked-up, unmedicated/untreated version; either that, or just a completely useless, quasi-depressed child with substance abuse issues. Take your pick. Now that i think of it, He might have fit into that 2nd category...). 

So, with no further ado...

Feb 5, 2020 - 

Sexual ambivalence when you’re single is such a useless, silly, obsessive state. Once you’re there, it’s so impossibly difficult to get out. Like when you’re a kid, at the bottom of the slide, trying to climb up to the top when you’re wearing only socks and have a case of the giggles. You’re just going to keep sliding back down again. And the thing of it is, you really don’t mind…except for the fact that you never get a really good slide in, because you never quite make it all the way to the top.

Are my metaphors getting too convoluted?

Bear with me, here…

It’s been nearly four years, with the exception of one ill-advised and poorly executed fumble into one-night stand territory two summers ago, since I’ve had sex; and I almost don’t count that time, since I was inebriated, didn’t come, and the guy was so tedious and odd in his behavior – what with his bemoaning the “perfect” ex-girlfriend one minute while we’re in bed, then telling me he can’t believe someone as beautiful as me would sleep with him the next (not to mention the consequent bizarre stalker-like behavior that continues to this day) that I almost feel like I can erase it from the board because the universal system of checks and balances surely indicates that I get to start from scratch when it comes to that one. Right?

Anyway, the point is it’s been a long time. Previous to that, I was in an abusive relationship, and the last time he fucked me, it was so angry that I felt like he was trying to exact some kind of bizarre, bad porno film-esque revenge on me, so that barely counts in my book either. So I’d say I’m about due for a toe-curling orgasm, or a hundred. Like, on a regular basis, from whomever the fuck I please, whenever I want, for the rest of the year. Or, month? How many orgasms are a reasonable amount to expect in a month’s time? I’ll be damned if I know – it’s been far too long since I’ve had that sort of sex life. Which is stupid, since that used to be my modus operandi.

I’ve always known how bad I am at relationships. I’ve been broken in that regard from the word Go. There are any number of reasons I’ve stayed single for the past three and a half years – and indeed, plan on staying that way. I could go into detail, which I have in previous posts, but the heart of the matter is a woeful lack of judgment and boundaries on my part. My taste in men is so bad, it’s actually notorious amongst my circle of friends. When I haven’t seen someone in awhile, a common question is;

“So, you’re not…dating anybody…are you?”, accompanied by a worried expression.

I truly am that bad at choosing men to be in relationships with. The more violent the nature, the more obsessive, and the longer the prison term the better has been my motto (and yes, there have been one or two exceptions. But literally, just…one or two). And so, I prefer to keep a safe distance from the whole mess. Over the years, in fact, I’ve come to realize that I’m much better off when I’m single. This has always been the case, all the way back when I was in my twenties, and ostensibly not yet jaded.

I’m OK with this. Because I’m not the type that needs to be in a relationship to be “complete”. I don’t get lonely, in that sense. I have friends. I might have done occasionally when I was younger, and made more wholeheartedly pathetic attempts at being in “real, grown up relationships” that would last, but anyone who’s known me for long knows I’ve always been happier single.

Sex was never really a problem – I got that whole thing sorted out early on. After some childhood trauma and a teenage rape, I set out to fix myself of the abject terror, pain, disassociation, and ultimate inability to feel a thing. I did that with a series of handpicked lovers (several of them one night stands). Sort of an immersion therapy deal. I figured out how to ask for what I needed, and how to get out quick if it was obvious the guy wasn’t interested in getting me off (or turned out to be dangerous). And now I love sex. Which has the unfortunate effect of making some men think you love them. I’m not sure how that works, but there it is. And fuck, is it annoying. The way some people confuse lust and love has always been astounding to me. I tried explaining this problem to some hippies I knew years ago, and they looked at me like I was some kind of evil succubus. I guess that whole peace and love thing didn’t allow for the finer points of fucking…

Anyway, I spent so much time figuring out how to be good at sex, but I hadn’t the first clue about being good at relating to men in the context of a relationship. How to draw boundaries. How to stay safe emotionally, and even physically. And time and again, it’s been disastrous.

But, as for male friends, I couldn’t ask for a better bunch of guys. I picked a group of really stand-up men. And with the exception of a couple whom I’d fuck on occasion, on and off over the years (because they didn’t ask anything more of me, or get things twisted), they weren’t guys I was crossing that line with (well, except for the one time I did, and that just ended up as you’d expect – disastrously. And that was my fault, because I was grieving my son, and was a huge mess). My guy friends are all intelligent, fun, cool, creative people who genuinely care about me. They call me on my bullshit, and regularly tell me how intelligent, talented, and beautiful I am, when I feel anything but.

So…why do I make such terrible choices when it comes to romantic relationships? Well, if I knew that, we wouldn’t be here now would we? Actually, I do have a pretty good idea why – and of course it’s all down to being brought up in a house full of mental illness, abuse, and the resulting lack of boundaries and high tolerance for chaos/ideas of what’s “normal” that skew my perceptions in the relationships department. And that’s a Hell of a lot harder to fix than sex.

So, I stick to sex.

Or, at least I did. But, things have been off for a few years now. Even before the abusive relationship 3 1/2 years ago, it’s been like I’ve been dead inside since all of the death and loss I’ve endured, really. Ever since then, I really just haven’t had the life force it takes to have a healthy libido. Which sucks. Losing such a huge part of who you are because you’ve lost people you love is like walking around with a huge hole in the center of your chest. And it’s a long, slow climb back to being a whole person again.

Then the real surprise is finding out that, after you’ve worked through all that grief, you aren’t at all the same person you used to be.

Fast forward to two weekends ago.

So there I am, sitting at a local haunt, listening to my girlfriend M tell me that the bartender is flirting with me (for the 47 millionth time) and aren’t I going to do anything about it?

M is my opposite in so many ways – the brunette with the wild sex life and raging libido, the Lonely Hearts Club girl just looking for love, to my misanthropic, stoic, cold, Blonde lce Queen that I’ve become. We make a great pair. She’s always got some guy waiting in the wings, whilst I’m forever fending off her offers to hook me up with “this great guy she knows”.

I tell her she needs to be less dependent on men for her sense of self worth; that there is joy in being alone and getting to know oneself. And she tells me I need to stop being so damn untrusting – that I need to let a little bit of fun and risk into my life, that I’m too young to be so frigid. We’re both right, of course.

For months, she has been the voice of my deadened, dormant sex drive – like the insistent little breath of spring to my boring, snow-bound, sexless, Persephone alter-ego — stuck underground with my shitty husband Hades (that’s how I anthropomorphise my sex drive for the past few years), who just wants to hang out with the souls of the Dead, watch football and drink mead.

But, this time, for some reason, I listen. This time…instead of rolling my eyes at her and commenting that he’s too young, or too skinny, or too shaggy, or too cheerful, or whatever, I instead notice he’s actually pretty cute, and that he’s looking at me with what can only be described as unmistakable desire as he approaches me with liquid brown eyes and a drink, and sets it down in front of me. Then he knocks M’s glass, spilling some of her water onto the bar, then immediately cracks the snappiest joke, which makes me laugh so hard I actually snort. Then he turns to me and asks if there’s anything else I want.

And it’s then I realize – my entire body has that tingly feeling I used to get as a kid from when people would play with my long hair, when he looked at me just now; I am like a cat, internally all langorous, and purring…

And I think, Yes, yes there it is. I want him.

And it may not ever happen – because I can’t think that definitively yet. But, yes. I want. Maybe it will happen with him, or maybe with someone else. The possibilities are…pretty much wide open. The point is, I actually, really, truly feel Lust for someone for the first time in years.

Over the summer, I wrote about that jerk I knew from my old bartending gig who walked me home, then grabbed me and kissed me – I wrote how it was actually a pretty great kiss, but there was no liquid melting of my insides, and I was drunk (actually not how I usually go about these things), he wanted me to invite him in but I was like fuck no…and then the next time I saw him he was a little shit to me because I wouldn’t fuck him that night. Well, that all flashed in front of my eyes for a moment as I sat there with this cute, scruffy guy staring at me with his big, doe eyes and then I remembered;

“Yeah, but you didn’t want to fuck that guy in the slightest…so your instincts were spot on”.

And suddenly it’s like that moment when Dorothy steps out of her house in Oz, and everything is in Technicolor after a lifetime of boring Sepia. I notice the curl of hair falling into his eyes as he watches my fingers wrap around the glass. I notice how his breath hitches a bit as I lean towards him and bring the scotch to my lips. I notice that I feel every muscle in my stomach and thighs when I shift my weight on the chair, and the slight burn of the liquid as it moves down my throat. Little things. Mostly I feel that sensual self awareness that comes from knowing someone’s eyes are on me – eyes that I actually want to be watching me.

“I’ll let you know,” I tell him.

“I’ll be right here,” he says, a kind of goofy lilt to his voice.

Which is perfect, because I don’t want this to feel like a big, serious moment; this reawakening of my finally, finally feeling sexy again after so long. It should be a little silly, a little lighthearted! In fact, that’s part of what does it for me. The few, rare times I viscerally connect with someone, it’s because they’ve made me laugh first. And I realize that’s why I’m attracted to this guy…because he did something completely goofy yet sharply funny (a woefully rare combo) earlier and made me laugh – like, really laugh, from down in my belly. Had, in fact, done so several times throughout the evening. He has, actually, this kind of upbeat, silly but witty, whipsmart vibe about him that just positively reeks of happiness. It is utterly charming, and so, so very sexy. And a far cry from the usual, darkly depressive brooding but witty types I usually go for.

And that told me something even more important – that I’ve finally come back enough from the dark where I can appreciate a person like that, who emits so much joy, can exude such a sense of life, and who can make me really, really laugh. Laugh without irony.

From there, all the rest follows. And maybe, there’s hope for me yet.

#aspd #crazy love #covid crazy #brain cooties #take your meds