won't let you go (this time)
pairing: lee heeseung x fem!reader
summary: back home for good after a semi-unsuccessful first year at university in a new city, youâre looking forward to getting back into the routines of your old life in the town you grew up in but the one person youâd been desperate to see doesnât seem too pleased about your return :(
genre: angst.. ......... fluff, smut, college au, exes to lovers, second chance romance, slow burn
warnings: minors dni, british in a way that's not vague (might be vague.. it's hard to tell when ur british), so so long, sad heeseung, long paragraphs..
word count: 36,007 .. (apparently, i'm in a competition with myself to see who can write the longest fic)
playlist: seasons wave to earth, understand keshi
author's note: writing this fic was like pulling teeth and then cooking pasta out of it.. bUT IT'S DONE !!! also one of these scenes is smth i reworked from a fic i posted to wattpad in 2021.. thanks @asahicore for the beta u rock ! and as always be lmk ur thoughts (positive/negative/anything) đ¤
fic taglist: @enhastolemyheart
Lee Heeseung had often imagined what it would be like when he saw you again.Â
Sometimes, he envisioned you standing on his doorstep, playing with the cuffs of your sweater. Other times heâd dream up a chance encounter at the local grocery shop, where youâd be distracted and bump the end of your trolley into his. Heâd even pictured a sun-soaked vacation, a gorgeous white sand beach where the temperature would be inching past the thirties. You, laying out on a patterned towel, lost in the pages of a book, and your pretty face obscured by its cover. Yet, even with the sun in his eyes and his poor vision, heâd recognise you without a doubt.Â
Regardless of circumstance or setting, in all of his hazy daydreams, youâd look up at him with unbridled love in your eyes and say the words he wanted to hear all those months ago: I choose you.Â
Heeseung had always imagined that his heart might glow in his chest, through his shirt like something from Jane the Virgin, and youâd know you made the wrong decision.Â
But sometimes, typically when in an alcohol-fuelled state of despondence, these images would be rougher around the edges. Heeseung would be hot, with bleach-blond hair and thick dark browsâa walking, talking beacon of sexual energy when youâd see him. In his head, it would happen at a party or a club somewhere, and heâd be too busy talking to another girl to notice you, his arm hanging off of her, lust clear in his eyes. Somehow, even in sweatpants and an old hoodie of his, youâd still look as beautiful as always.Â
âHeeseung,â youâd say, completely crushed with tears welling up in your eyes under furrowed brows. âI choose you.â
Reluctantly, heâd draw his eyes away from the girl and notice you, finally, and a smile would spread on his lips, a mean one, condescending. Heâd shrug, wrapping his arm tighter around the girl and say, âYouâre too late.â He wouldnât mean it, but heâd say it just to drive you crazy. Make you beg him to take you back for months until he felt youâd suffered enoughâas much as he had.Â
These thoughts were few and far between and mainly followed by hot, guilty tears rolling down his cheeks because he knew it was his fault. After all, he was the one to let you go.
For now though, the little round table in Markâs backyard seats four, and, in the arms of a balmy summer night, Heeseung chooses the seat closest to the fence. The garden light is still busted so in his seat of choice, furthest from the kitchen door, heâll go completely unnoticed but still see anyone who might join him outside.
His phone is freezing when he takes it from his pocket and unsurprisingly holds no notifications beyond the outsiiiide text heâd gotten from Jake before the party started. Through Instagram stories, Heeseung watches the night play out from the perspective of people who are enjoying themselves while ignoring the voice in his head that tells him he could be one of those people if he tried.Â
Maybe he was a fool for believing that tonight would go differently and that the boys would keep their âbroâs nightâ promise for longer than it took to cross the thresholdâbut itâs not like he blames them. Maybe he was a fool for believing he would find more company than his somewhat abandoned bottle of Peroni that watches him mockingly from the glass table.Â
He grimaces after taking a sip from it, remembering that he was only ever carrying it around so his friends wouldnât feel the need to load him with shots. Now heâs not so sure that wouldâve been a bad thing, seeing as heâs completely sober and aware of the tightness in his chest as he scrolls through the text thread heâs had pinned for years. Its end came abruptly; revived only by an ignored blue bubble saying: i heard youâre back home for the summer..Â
Seeing it now, he regrets hitting send even more than he did two weeks ago. Heeseung hates himself for believing the boys when they said it was a good thing that you opened the message right away. âMeans sheâs thinking of u 2 dude,â was Jake's message to the group chat (along with four bicep emojis and two red exclamation marks). Jay replied: i hope you guys can talk things out! And Sunghoon didnât say anything.Â
All your conversations bring up memories that hurt more than the last but he has to take a break when he reaches a text you sent last January: i had so much fun tonight, hee, idk how to thank u enough :((( i hope ur not in too much trouble.. i love you i love you and iâll love you forever !!!
He ended up getting grounded for three weeks and lost car privileges for months after staying out four hours past curfew, but heâd do it a million times over if it meant heâd get to see you as happy as you were that night on the two-hour drive back, running your fingertips over the Sharpie autograph of your favourite author on the bookâs front pageââHeeseung?âÂ
His jaw falls slack and his whole body stiffens. If you donât count old videos in his camera roll, Heeseung hasnât heard your voice in over a year. The back door slides shut and when he finally lifts his head, he wants to throw up. Even without the glow of the kitchen lights on your face, heâd still be able to make out the cute point of your nose, and the slight curve of your soft lips. Unfortunately, the breakup only seems to have made you even more beautiful and he hates himself for wishing you were having a hard time too.Â
âHey,â you say. âCan I sit?âÂ
Regaining his mobility, he moves his shoulders in a stiff shrug. The sound of your chair scraping the concrete makes him cringe and he hates that you chose the seat closest to him.Â
âI didnât think youâd be here tonight.âÂ
Heeseung scoffs, his brows furrowing defensively. âYou didnât think Iâd be at my friendâs party?âÂ
You set your jaw. âOkay.âÂ
An unbearable silence follows, so heavy he can feel it sitting on his shoulders, weighing him down. Thereâs no way to know how much time has passed but he feels less tense when you start to hum, drumming your fingers against the table to the beat of whatever song the kitchen door is struggling to muffle. If he doesnât think too hard about the lingering quiet, it feels like everything is okay between you two.Â
His heart races when you giggle. âYou still do that?âÂ
âDo what?âÂ
You smile before mirroring his expression, puffing up your cheeks and exhaling dramatically a few times. Due to the heat, nothing comes of it but you laugh anyway. âYou always liked when it was cold enough out to see your breath. I remember having to nudge you every night of summer to get you to stop.â
To Heeseung, thereâs something sinister about the fact that you can so easily bring up a memory you share with him. About the fact that even after what happened, his cheeks heat up just from seeing you grin. He deflates, unable to look at you, finding interest in the label on his bottle instead. Itâs slightly curled up at its edge, and he runs his thumb over it a few times before peeling it off completelyâwith some struggle, leaving a sticky patch in its wake. Under your loaded stare, he folds it a little to make a square before trying to craft a swan or a crane (you were the one who knew these things) from the sticker.Â
Your hands are just as soft as he remembers when your fingers touch his, though it shocks him so much he drops the label, immediately withdrawing his hands and, for lack of a better option, sitting on them. Even softer than your hands is your voice when you say, âI donât want things to be so tense between us.âÂ
It must be easy, he thinks. For you to say something like that after dumping him. Heeseung wants to laugh, to let his head fall back and cackle from sheer disbelief; you really must have some nerve. Instead, a bitterness, raging and sour, works in his chest, choking the laughter into silence. It pushes his lips into a scowl as he lifts his head to look at you. Youâre shivering with your arms crossed over your chest and Heeseung softens. Without thinking, he shrugs off his flannel to drape it over your shoulders, almost regretting it when he fixes his tongue to scold you playfully like he used to. Still too hot for a jacket, right, baby? he wants to say. This is the last time Iâm doing this for you, next time youâre on your own. Heeseung figures that somewhere, in another reality where youâre still together, a version of him says these things but continues to give you his flannels and jackets anyway.
Heâd give anything to be that Heeseung instead.Â
Over the last year, heâs been replacing the clothes in his wardrobe. He noticed that during your time together you steadily wore every t-shirt, flannel, and hoodie he owned. Now, as you thank him with a sincere smile, he realises heâll have to donate his new favourite shirt too.Â
âWhatâs in your pocket?â you ask, reaching in to find out. A bleak carton of cigarettes sits full in your hands as you look over at him with wide eyes. âYou smoke now?âÂ
âNo.â Heeseung shakes his head. âNever.âÂ
Back and forth between your hands, the box and its contents rustle. âReally? Because thisââ You pause to pull a lighter from the same pocket. ââand this tell me something different.â
âSunghoonâs quitting again,â he explains, with air quotes around the word quitting.Â
âOh.â You let out a laugh, nodding fondly. âHeâs on, like, five weeks or something by now, though, right? Surely you donât still need to carry these around for him.â
His head tilts so quickly he hurts his neck. With knitted brows, he inspects you. Nothing about your expression seems like youâre trying to hurt him, in truth, you look like youâre being quite sincere; your eyes are wide, curious, and your lips are quirked up at the corners with an amusement he adores. âSix,â he corrects. âHow do you know?âÂ
âHe told me.âÂ
âYou guys still talk?âÂ
A shoulder-dropping sigh falls from your mouth as you put the cigarettes and lighter back in his pocket, raking a hand through your hair. âYouâre the only one who doesnât talk to me anymore,â you say in a small voice.Â
The five of you stuck together in high school â where he and Jay first met you, Jake, and Sunghoon â and he knew it would be unreasonable for him to expect your shared friends, especially the youngest two whom youâd known longer, to turn on you. He also figured, given how close youâd grown to Jay, and his undying rationality, that his best friend would outright refuse to shun you on Heeseungâs behalf. Even though they didnât need his permission, he told them that he didnât want them to feel like they had to pick sides and that he was perfectly happy for them to keep talking to you. On one condition: that none of them tell him anything about you or your life without him unless youâre hurtâa condition theyâve clearly carried out more faithfully than Heeseung expected them to.Â
Bile rises in his throat thinking about all the things your friends have kept from him about your year away. His heart twists over mundane details like your class schedules and favourite things to eat for lunch, and his eyes sting with tears over the important stuff like new friends and, worst of all, new partners.Â
Heeseung jolts out of his chair, knocking the table so hard with his thighs that his bottle tips over. Youâre quick to catch it. âMy mumâs calling,â he blurts out, overwhelmed.Â
âHeeseung.âÂ
âI really have to go.âÂ
âHeeseung!â you call out, but heâs already back inside.Â
You donât follow him.Â
But that was in June, and now itâs September.Â
While his friends complain about the chill of autumn, Heeseungâs just happy he can comfortably wear hoodies everywhere again. In a cool lecture hall, home to his Ethics and Responsibility class for the next few months, he relishes the feeling of soft cotton against his ears as he copies the course reading list into the first page of his notebook.Â
âIs someone sitting here?âÂ
Heeseungâs stomach sinks to the floor. Reluctantly, he lifts his head, and through the gaps in his bangs, he sees you and the way your face falls when you see him, instantly looking around the room.Â
âOh,â you say, eyes blown. âIâm sorry, Iâll just..â you trail off.
He scans the room, chewing his lip when he realises that, despite the lecturer not having arrived yet, the seat to his left, with his backpack on it, is the only empty one. âItâs okay,â he says, trying to seem nonchalant as he takes his bag from the chair and puts it on the floor.Â
âThanks,â you mumble, frowning a little as you sit down.Â
In the light of day, he really sees you and a lone butterfly, one he was sure had died with the rest last year, flutters lazily in his stomachâwings buzzing against the lining, tickling him. Even with messy hair and tired bags under your eyes, youâre just as beautiful as the first time he saw you. Itâs unfair, he thinks. That you could be dealing with this and still manage to look presentable. Jealousy kills the butterfly, stirring a pit in his belly at the thought that you were able to break up with him and continue with life as normal on the other end of the country, making new friends and new memories as if nothing happened.Â
Even when Dr. Kim comes in and starts the class, Heeseung canât take his eyes off of you. You havenât lost any of your mannerisms, he notices when you stick your tongue out a little while typing notes as the lecturer says them, barely looking up from your laptop to see the slides.Â
At the end of the lecture, all he has to show for it is the reading list and a couple of bullet points that seemed important as he copied them from your screen. Side by side, you silently walk down the stairs to leave the room, and the sight of Sunghoon through the doorway pulls a relieved sigh from Heeseungâs chest.Â
Sunghoonâs brows raise seeing you together and he clears his throat when youâre close enough. âHey, you two! My little study buddies,â he says in a strained voice. âFirst day back! First day for you, YN, what was that like?â He sounds like heâs reading from a script as he walks between you.Â
Heeseung lets you answer, listening to your voice as he walks behind you down the stairs. He wonders if things will be this way forever, briefly contemplating throwing himself over the bannister so he doesnât have to find out. If youâre uncomfortable, you donât show it, talking excitedly with Sunghoon about the class, mentioning things Heeseung hadnât even heard, despite having sat through the same hour-long introduction lecture as you. He trails behind the two of you all the way to the library, where Jay is sleeping with his chin on his arms and Jake is staring at the table of contents in his textbook. You cut yourself off, jogging over to the table theyâre sitting at to wake Jay. As soon as you wrap your arms around him, he flinches, waking up with his brows pulled together.Â
âWhat are you doing?â Jay mumbles, trying to shake you off.Â
As Heeseung sits beside Jake, he skims over the front page of the textbook, trying to remember what tensile strength means. Sunghoon stands at the end of the table looking at his phone, and you sit next to Jay, pulling your seat a little closer and letting him rest his head on your shoulder. Heeseung looks away, trying to bury the unease building in his stomach.Â
Sunghoon breaks the silence. âCan we go get food?â And suddenly, you all stand up, filing out of the library towards the Tesco Express down the road.Â
Jay and Sunghoon take the lead, picking up their lunch without much thought before waiting in line at the self-checkout, while you, Jake, and Heeseung spend an ungodly amount of time weighing up options in front of the meal deals. Heeseung gets the same thing every time but looks at every single sandwich, drink, and snack option just in case before picking up his food.Â
âJust cheese is crazy, bro,â Jake says, shaking his head. âWhatâs wrong with you?âÂ
Heeseung shrugs. âItâs reliable.âÂ
âItâs absurd.âÂ
You hum between the two of them, tilting your head thoughtfully. âI donât know, I think itâs cute.â Your shoulders rise and fall in a casual shrug, almost as if you havenât just paid Heeseung a compliment for the first time in a year and three months.Â
Jakeâs eyebrows raise, a grin playing on his lips as he glances between the two of you when you step forward, pulling a just cheese sandwich from the shelf too. âCute,â he repeats. âSure.âÂ
Outside, Jay and Sunghoon are sitting on a half-finished brick wall, and while normally, Heeseung would say something to interrupt Jayâs never-ending lecture series on making the most of your meal deal, he doesnât want to draw attention to himself or the small smile heâs struggling to keep off his face.Â
âHoon, think about it,â he says, resting his giant can of Red Bull on the stepped brick next to him. âA meal deal costs ÂŁ3. You get a sandwich, a drink, and a snack, all for ÂŁ3. You, foolishly, bought a sandwich, a snack, and a bottle of water, you gave them money.âÂ
âYeah, man, anyone who shops anywhere gives money, thatâs, like, an entry-level requirement.âÂ
âBut Iâm taking money from Tesco, you get it?âÂ
Jake sighs, taking a seat next to Sunghoon. âYouâre technically right, but you still paid for your food under a promotion Tesco created. If you really wanted to take from Tesco, you should be stealing your lunch. Also, the sandwich he got was ÂŁ2.85, and thereâs more water in his bottle than Red Bull in your can, so I actually think Hoon got the better offer today.âÂ
Beside Heeseung, you roll your eyes, wrestling with a packet of crisps while juggling everything in your hands. Seeing your struggle, he reaches over, taking hold of your drink and sandwich. âThanks,â you mumble, smiling. You glance towards Jay and Sunghoon, then back at Heeseung. âAre they always like this?âÂ
He nods with a slight frown. A tiny laugh comes through your nose as you nod too.Â
During the walk back to campus, as you split your sandwich with Sunghoon, Heeseung has an unsettling realisation. If he wants to get you back, heâll have to start out being your friend. Heâs not too sure what that will look like, seeing as the two of you were friends for six weeks â that he spent hopelessly in love with you â before he asked you out. All he knows is he wants to be the one you share your lunch and link arms with unthinkingly. While he assumes that your shared friend group and three out of four classes will naturally lead to friendship, things might go better if he makes an effort.
He doesnât.
Not today at least. The second and last class of the day ends much like the first, with a heading in his notebook, and slowly reviving butterflies in his stomach every time your knee bumps into his under the desk. Again, neither of you says much as you leave the class to go meet Jay in the library. Heâs awake this time, grinning at the girl across from him.Â
âTheyâre so cute!â
âTheyâre talking.âÂ
âYeah, in a cute way. Look at the smile on his face,â you say as if anyone could miss Jayâs grin or the way it widens when he notices you and Heeseung staring.Â
Yunjin immediately looks over, waving before getting out of her seat to come over. She greets Heeseung with a hug before flinging her arms around you, gushing about how itâs been so long. Heeseung feels his brow raise when you giggle and say, âWe hung out two weeks ago.â
She loosens her hold on you, looking down into your eyes with a shocked look. âYeah, two weeks too many. What are you doing later?âÂ
It feels like Heeseung skipped a chapter and his stomach hurts when he realises he hasâa whole year's worth of the contents of your life. Of course, Jay already introduced Yunjin to you, of course, youâre already friends.Â
Leaving you with Yunjin in the library, Heeseung and Jay walk back to their flat. They take the long route home, through the winding bike path and over the creaky footbridge by Sunghoonâs old apartment. Jay is eerily quiet, only responding in nods and humsâthis silence means one of two things, heâs either too exhausted to speak or heâs saving his words to reprimand Heeseung at home.Â
Outside their flat, Jay hesitates, gripping the handle tightly before turning to Heeseung. In his eyes is a familiar look, the one he typically wears before telling someone off and Heeseung bites his tongue lest he pisses Jay off even more. A few times, Jay opens his mouth but doesnât speak, exhaling a deep sigh as he rests his head against the door. âI want you to know Iâm on your side, sort of,â he says. âIf itâs too hard being around YN, we can always hang out together instead, just us.âÂ
Jayâs key clicks in the lock and Heeseung watches, shocked. He didnât expect that at all.Â
âItâs not like itâs hard, just weird, you know?â Heeseung runs a hand through his hair, leaving his shoes by the door while Jay locks it before following him into the living room and sinking into the couch. âWe have the same friends, so I canât avoid her, but I donât think I want to.âÂ
âLike I said, we can just hang out on our own if weâre on campus.â Jay pauses for a beat, clearly pleased by whatever heâs thinking about as a smile spreads on his face. âIt might do you some good being around her though, like, to see why none of us want to date her.âÂ
The offer is generous and Heeseung spends a while considering it. But as Jay said, it probably would be a good thing to hang out with you if he wants to build the friendship he finds himself craving.Â
âIt might also do you some good to, you know.. start looking nice again. Itâs been a year, dude, and sheâs back now, donât you want her seeing what sheâs missing out on?âÂ
Heeseung cocks his head to the side, surprised and honestly a little offended. âAre you saying Iâm ugly now?âÂ
âNo, Iâm saying it probably wouldnât hurt to put some essence in your hair, touch up your roots, and, you know, use deodorant.âÂ
Reflexively, he grabs the pit of his hoodie, bringing it to his nose and sniffing furiously. The only thing he can smell is fresh detergent and he looks at Jay with a frown. âSo you think I should change everything about myself basically.âÂ
âI hate to be the one to say it..â Jay trails off, head falling back in contagious laughter. âSeriously though, if you want her back or, at least, want her to miss you, start putting some effort in.âÂ
Heeseungâs eyes are wide as saucers. âShe doesnât miss me?â
âYou spent the whole day together, why would she miss you?âÂ
âSo she doesnât.âÂ
âI didnât say that.â Jay shrugs.Â
Outside, a cloud moves away from the sun, letting it shine right through the window and into Heeseungâs eyes. He squints a little, groaning before bringing his arm over his face to shield himself. Jay laughs and Heeseung flips him off. âYou didnât really say anything.âÂ
âAre you crying?â Jay coos.Â
âSure.âÂ
âToo bad, Iâm taking a nap. Club later?âÂ
Heeseung grunts in response, considering taking a nap too.Â
A dramatic sigh tugs its way from Jayâs chest. âLook, itâs not my place to say, but she told me a few months ago she was miserable in first year, something about wanting to see some guy she dated in high school.â
âYou knew she was coming back?â Heeseung practically jumps in his seat, sitting up straighter. âYou knew Iâd see her today and you let me leave the house looking like this?â Itâs not like he looks bad in his oversized black hoodie and sweatpants but he might have taken the time to do more than run a hand through his hair this morning if he knew.
Jay holds his hands up defensively. âYou said you didnât want to hear anything about her unless she died. I was just doing what you told me to.âÂ
âI think it goes without saying that that wouldâve been a nice thing to know.â
âNoted.â Jay nods. âClub later?â
Despite saying no, Heeseung finds himself at the club anyway, having a friendly dance battle with Jay while you hype them up, filming blurry videos with your finger over the camera lens. Jake and Sunghoon came out too but went off to find girls.Â
Heeseung spent all of pres and the journey to the club worrying about being drunk around you. Or rather, worrying about being drunk around drunk you. Drunk you who typically gets clingy and oversentimental just looking at a bottle of vodka, or brings up old memories and uses pouty, gloss-coated lips to say things without thinking of the consequences. For better or for worse, you havenât done any of that yet.Â
Between knocking back drinks and rivalling the club photographer, you find time to make a look of disgust every time a guy comes near you, immediately shaking your head and pressing yourself against Heeseung before mumbling an apology in his ear each time, even though he tells you itâs okay. Your admirers start to dwindle when he dances with you to a song you like, letting you hold his hand and pull him closer, all while wishing heâd stayed asleep on the couch.Â
Itâs only when the fifth guy shows up with a stupid smirk on his face, that Heeseung speaks up. His arm finds your waist and he holds you close as he looks at the stranger. âDude, leave her alone,â he says, angling his shoulder to him in an attempt to shield you. âSheâs not interested.â The weight of his words is lost on him until the guy rolls his eyes, shrugging and mumbling whatever as he leaves.Â
He saw how uncomfortable you looked after being approached and hated how long it took for you to start enjoying yourself again, so in the moment, it seemed like the right thing to do. To look after you. But now, as he stands with his hand on your waist, his skin touching yours at the hem of your shirt, heâs starting to feel like heâs crossed a line. Itâs the worst possible time to freeze in place but thereâs nothing he can do about it, and Jay staring at him, with wide eyes and a dropped jaw, isnât exactly helping.Â
With embarrassment burning his cheeks and neck, Heeseung finally looks down at you. You look almost as shocked as Jay for a split second before letting your hand rest on his chest, smiling. The moment feels endless until you lean up to his ear and Heeseung has to bend down a bit. âThank you, Hee,â you say, still smiling when you pull back.Â
All he can do is nod, smiling too.
Over your head, he sees Jay grinning and the heat returns to his cheeks. As if suddenly aware of your position â your hands now resting on his shoulders, chests held together by your grip on each other â the smile falls from your face as you take a huge step back, bumping into Jay while Heeseungâs hand slips from your body.Â
âLetâs get more drinks!â you yell to Jay, slinging an arm over his shoulders to pull him away.Â
On his own, Heeseung dances to three whole songs, only stopping when Yoo Jimin wraps her arm around him, holding him in the worldâs tightest hug. âLee Heeseung, did I just see you all over a girl?â The interaction takes him by surprise, seeing as he hasnât actually spoken to her since before summer. âLetâs go for drinks soon, to say congrats on finally moving on!âÂ
This, of course, is when you and Jay finally return. Jimin notices before he does. âBe good to him,â she yells, smiling, and never letting go of Heeseung. âBad breakup!âÂ
You stand there, holding two drinks so tightly your hands start shaking, causing one to spill over your fingers. A strained smile spreads over your lips as you nod. âRight! Iâll try!âÂ
As quickly as she appears, Jimin vanishes with a smile on her face, pleased with herself. You visibly relax, handing Heeseung his drink and swaying to the music again. Just like at high school parties, you let Jay sling his arm over your shoulders as you dance together. Back then, youâd dance with all of your friends while waiting for Heeseung to return, usually with a cup of water for you to drink, but tonight, with Heeseung standing there, it seems like heâs as good as dead according to you.Â
Itâs around 2 a.m. when you and Jay decide youâve had enough, with Jay struggling to keep his eyes open. After failing to locate Sunghoon and easily finding Jake with his cap on backwards and makeup all over his mouth and cheeks, the three of you let him know youâre going home.Â
As seems to be the unspoken rule amongst your friends, Jay walks between the two of you while trying to convince you both that if you had fun tonight, thereâs no reason to regret having gone out. Even if it means youâll be sitting in class holding your eyes open. Heeseung ignores him, conspiring out loud about Sunghoonâs whereaboutsâgetting lost on his way to the restroom or finding an ice rink out back.Â
For a while, you entertain him before sighing. âI saw in the chat, he said heâs out talking to a girl he saw wearing a band shirtâNirvana.âÂ
The notion is so surprising that Heeseung almost stops in his tracks. Jay voices his shock with a raised brow and an incredulous tone. âHoon listens to Nirvana?âÂ
âNo, but sheâs pretty. I had to send him a screenshot of their popular songs on Spotify when one of her friends came over looking for a lighter.âÂ
At Jayâs request, you and Heeseung spend the rest of the walk back to your flat trying to name fifteen Nirvana songs. By the time you reach the lift in your building, youâve successfully listed nine and the three of you stand inside while you look for your keys. On your doorstep, you pull Jay into a tight hug, whispering something in his ear that makes him laugh as he pats you on the back and says, âYou probably could.âÂ
Pathetically, Heeseung hopes youâll hug him too. With no hesitation, you do, arms locking around his neck, leaving him with flushed cheeks and a racing heart. âThanks for looking out for me,â you whisper, lingering by his ear before burying your face in the base of his neck.Â
Heeseung holds his breath, counting to twelve before you lean away from him, your arms in place as you look up into his eyes. âIâm always going to look out for you,â he manages to say. He can already hear Jay teasing him about it when theyâre alone, but the smile on your face is worth it.Â
In your doorway, you wave goodbye and they wait outside until they hear your lock clicking before heading home, where Jay doesnât tease Heeseung at all.Â
Turns out, getting home at 3 a.m. when he has a class at 10 oâclock doesnât fit in amongst any of his better ideas, but still, he gets out of bed and gets ready, heeding Jayâs advice and scheduling a hair appointment on his way to class.Â
As soon as he sits down, he gets a text from Jay: thinking of getting smth pierced later, come with?Â
Heeseung: what is smth.
Jay: cartilage probs
Heeseung: im getting my roots done at 5
Jay: okayyyyyyy good shit man !!! tmrw?Â
Heeseung: đđđ
It shouldnât surprise Heeseung that you look good, but the sight of you walking through the door in your zip-up hoodie and jeans almost knocks the wind out of him. Youâre holding your notebook to your chest, stopping in the middle of the stairs and sighing when the white strap of your tote bag slips from your shoulder to the crook of your elbow. You apologise to the people behind you before rushing up the stairs to Heeseungâs row, putting your things down and slumping into the seat beside him. The room suddenly feels warmer when you take off your hoodie and next to you and your bare arms, his heart starts to race.
âDo you have, like, an interview or something?â you ask, doodling in the margin of your notebook, filling the space with pretty butterflies that make his heart race.
Heeseung, who hasnât looked for a job in two years, panics. âNo?âÂ
âOh.â You nod slowly, looking away from him. âA date? Maybe?â Thereâs something in your voice that makes him want to say yes and see your reaction, but the look on your face makes his stomach turn.Â
âNo, neâjust no.âÂ
âYou can tell me if youâre going on a date.â
âWhy would I go on a date?âÂ
You shrug, gesturing to his outfit. Heeseung looks down at himself and the cream-coloured cardigan heâs wearing. âYou just look nice, thatâs all,â you mumble after a while. Suddenly, Jayâs Prada loafers squeezing his toes doesnât seem so bad and Heeseung sits through the whole lecture with a smile on his face.Â
The leaves yellowed on October first, and unfortunately for Heeseung, the last two weeks didnât play out how he hoped they would. Of course, he knew that you flinging your arms around him and confessing your love was probably a far stretch. But this is torture. You only talk to him when the rest of the boys are around, and even then, you only say things like, what time does class start? and do you have a pen I can borrow?Â
His nice outfits donât let up, but his hair is so long these days that you donât take any notice of the throbbing hole through his cartilage that Jay somehow convinced him to get. Or so Heeseung tells himself because his ears stick out as far as his shoulders.Â
Today marks the first time heâs sat in the library during the day for more than ten minutes, and itâs surprisingly busy. Most of his library trips take place in the early hours of the morning, playing his way through the Papaâs Gameria franchise on the computer next to Jake, who spends several minutes at a time staring at his fancy engineering software before clicking the mouse and staring again. So seeing the steady flow of students come in and out, setting up camp at their tables with headphones and thick binders, while groups of friends whisper amongst themselves, leaning back in their seats and gasping every now and then feels like a culture shock.
Thereâs about an hour until your class finishes, and heâs been sitting here for two hours already since his Music and Identity class ended, wondering if heâs making a mistake by waiting for you. Especially because he knows youâre not expecting him to. Heâs at a table right by the libraryâs entrance, so youâll see him on the way out and it can feel like a chance encounter. Uncharacteristically, heâs used this time quite wisely, deciding to go through the reading he was given on the role music plays in maintaining cultural identity among diaspora communities and making notes in the margins of his handout until your class is done.Â
Impatience starts to settle in after thirty minutes so he texts you to see to ask if your class is over yet. Immediately, your response lights up his screen: yeah about an hour ago but i stayed home lmao whatâs up :)Â
Staring down at the message, he sighs, thumbs hovering over the keyboard as he tries to come up with something to say. This goes on for a while until he realises what heâs doing and his heart clenches. How did you go from spending every waking moment texting each other to clutching at straws for a valid reason to talk?Â
At the very least, the smiley face you sent is doing wonders for his declining mood.Â
Heeseung settles on, âi just left office hours and wanted to know if anyone was still around haha,â before hiding his face with his hands.Â
oh nooooooo :( sorry dude, you reply. howâd it go?Â
In the six years he spent by your side, heâs never known you to use the word dudeâat least not with him. By the looks of things, it seems like your time away was spent studying Jakeâs texting patterns or a secret other thing that makes his head hurt when he thinks about it.Â
Sighing, Heeseung types back: good! had a couple questions after sem but it went well!Â
You react to the message with a heart but donât reply. He doesnât have enough time to think about what that might mean because Mark approaches the table, clutching the straps of his backpack with a grin on his face that makes Heeseung feel at ease, like a wide-eyed first year riddled with anxious excitement.Â
âYou look good, man. You going somewhere nice later?â Mark asks, dapping him up.Â
Heeseung shakes his head. âJust home.âÂ
âNice.â Mark nods, gasping after a beat. âDid you hear? I made captain!âÂ
âThatâs major, dude, congrats! I knew you would.â If anyone deserves to be team captain, itâs Mark Lee. He was captain of the basketball team in high school and vetoed his spot to Heeseung when he graduated. Two years later, when Heeseung came to college, Mark had been enthusiastic about him joining the team too.Â
âIâve been thinking that my first official act as captain should be getting you back on the team?â Markâs voice tips up at the end, his brows raising hopefully.Â
The last time Heeseung was on the home court, he cried with the ball in his hands because he overheard someone in the crowd saying they didnât think he could make the shotâthey were right. He laughs, shaking his head. âWay too much pressure in uni basketball. Thanks for thinking of me, though.â
âIâm not giving up on you,â Mark says, crossing his arms over his chest. âOh, I hear your birthdayâs coming up, can I host?âÂ
âHost what?âÂ
Markâs hands clap soundlessly as he laughs. âA party, obviously! Twentyâs a big one! Iâll text you the deets, alright?â he asks, though it doesnât sound like Heeseung has a choice because Markâs already walking away, still laughing to himself.
In Heeseungâs eyes, thereâs nothing better than knocking back (more than) a few bottles of soju with friends and singing your heart out in the four walls of a karaoke room. Worried about killing the mood, he enjoys from a distance, staying glued to the booth, ad-libbing for the boys and polishing off their drinks as discreetly as he can. The table is adorned with a collection of empty bottles and buckets of feasted-upon fried chicken that still envelop the room in a mouth-watering aroma, while a green strobe light pierces the air as Jake and Sunghoon wrap up their cover of Party Rock Anthem.Â
By the time Jay manages to convince Heeseung to sing something, heâs four bottles in and searching for the most heart-wrenching ballad he can find. Sofa by Crush has always been his favourite karaoke song. Even when it first came out and he was in a happy relationship; even at home, alone in the kitchen, using a broom handle as a makeshift microphone, singing until his voice went hoarse and tears stained his shirt.Â
It feels like fate when the songâs title flashes across the screen in big bold letters and he knows thereâs no real way to ignore destiny, so he chooses it and stands up from his seat. Weighed down by alcohol and an aching heart, he stumbles to the front of the room to stand with his back to his friends. Clutching the mic until his knuckles turn white, he takes a deep breath, letting the intro wash over him before singing. He gets through the first half of the song before practically caving in on himself, too moved by the lyrics to stay on two feet. To Heeseungâs credit, heâs always had a beautiful voice, so heâs not exactly tanking in that respect, but if he was even a tiny bit more cognisant, heâd scrape himself up from his knees and finish the rest of the song in the same light-hearted way everyone else had.
The lights shift through red and blue, casting a pretty glow over the dim space and streaking purples and pinks all over the wallsâaesthetically, the room is as moody as Heeseung feels. If he had eyes on the back of his head (or picked himself and his dignity from the floor) he might notice the way everyone else in the room is struck by his sadness, with all three boys sitting in solemn silence as a drunk Jay records the whole thing.Â
Tired of watching his friend fall apart, Sunghoon gets up from his seat, muttering dick at Jay for filming before taking the phone from his hands and cutting off the recording. He lifts Heeseung at the armpits like a baby and takes the mic. Clearing his throat, Sunghoon half-heartedly finishes the rest of the song while Heeseung cries into his shoulder. Their duet scores them 63 points and Jay spends the next few minutes texting. Heeseung appreciates Sunghoonâs efforts, crying more as his emotions oscillate from love for his friend to yearning for you, all while Jake attempts to lift the mood with a genuinely moving performance of Highway to Hell. From the way heâs air-drumming and bouncing his leg to the song, anyone could tell that Sunghoon is desperate to join in, but holding back for Heeseungâs sake. With a hiccup, Heeseung wipes his tears with his sleeve and throws himself out to the front, accompanying Jake with an air guitar. Itâs only during the start of the second verse that Jay and Sunghoon join in, and a full-fledged rock band moment falls upon them as if gifted from heaven.Â
After another hour of singing and drinking, Heeseung and Jay race up their apartment buildingâs stairs. Panting heavily, with his heart beating in his throat, Heeseungâs knees ache when he reaches the top â though caught up in catching his breath and the sight of you sleeping against the doorframe â he canât even celebrate his win.Â
âHuh,â Jay says when he joins him. âHowâd she get here?âÂ
Heeseung can only shrug in response.Â
Suddenly self-conscious in your presence, he stands up straighter, pushing some of his hair off his forehead. Jay moves from behind him, approaching you, but Heeseungâs too hung up on the way you hold your jacket tight around your body to do the same. He wants to thoughâwants to help you out, pick you up and hold you in his arms, kiss your forehead and lovingly scold you for staying out in the cold. But heâs not drunk enough to convince himself youâll take that well.Â
Instead, he remains glued to the spot, watching Jay wake you up, only mobilising when youâre on your feet, stretching your arms above your head. To you, the sliver of skin peeking out where your shirt ends and your jeans begin is a fleeting detail, lost entirely under a veil of just-risen drowsiness. Yet, to Heeseung, itâs everything. Itâs enough to make him want to beg you for a second chance right then and there. But heâs not drunk enough to convince himself youâll take that well either.Â
Youâre talking with Jay and thereâs a crease in your brow when Heeseung reaches you. Your voices were too quiet to make sense of with the distance but now he hears you loud and clear. âYou told me almost two hours ago that you guys were leaving soon,â you sigh, rubbing your neck.Â
Jay snorts, missing the keyhole a few times before catching it. âShouldâve just joined in, stupid.âÂ
âIt was boyâs night and you made it very clear that I donât count. And when I asked what bar you guys were at, you just said doesnât matter, leaving in ten, and, by the way, none of it was spelt correctly. It felt like you were using code.âÂ
âCaesar Cipher, perhaps?âÂ
âPig Latin, more like,â you scoff, leaning against the wall.Â
A mischievous grin spreads over Jayâs lips and Heeseung already hates whatever heâs about to say. âIxnay on the Eeseunghay.â Yeah, Heeseung hates it. He glances between the two of you, picking up on the smile you canât hide as you roll your eyes.Â
Your gaze finds Heeseungâs and your lips curl into a frown as you look back at Jay. âOtgay ityay.â You nod firmly.Â
From context â and memories of numerous private conversations the two of you used to have in his presence â he figures itâs Pig Latin, a linguistic puzzle more intricate than any the English language has ever thrown at him.Â
After a beat, you nod towards the open door. âGet inside.â
You follow the boys in and lock the door when Jay hands you his keys. He quickly heads to his room, leaving Heeseung shifting his weight from one foot to the other in the living room, staring at you. Save for Jayâs bedroom, all of the lights are off. The only light shines through the open blinds, a vivid orange beam coming from a streetlight outside, casting a harsh shadow over the room. The terminator line is starkâa clear partition between Heeseung, whoâs standing in the shade, and you, who stands in front of the window, backlit by the warm light. Youâre glowing. Or, at least, the lighting makes it look like you areâoutlining all your edges in soft orange.Â
Absently, he plays with the zipper on his jacketâunsure of whatâs going on or why youâre here at all. It takes a while, but the words finally escape him. âWhat are you doing here?â Simultaneously, you ask if heâs okay.Â
Even in the dark, your smile warms the room. For you and Heeseung, speaking in unison like that isnât anything new, so itâs not enough to rouse a reaction from himânonetheless, he smiles too. Whether by way of drunk optimism or his own sudden acceptance, Heeseungâs starting to feel as though maybe just being by your side, making you smile, might be enough for him.Â
âJay texted me, and I wanted to check in and see how youâre doing.âÂ
âWhat did he say?âÂ
âThat you were having a hard time.â
Heeseung nods slowly.Â
âActually, he saidââ You pause to check your phone. ââJay said, worried but hyung he is m let down. I think he meant meltdown?âÂ
âHyung,â Heeseung repeats, tilting his head as if the word is foreign to him. A crease runs along his brow, Jay is way drunker than he let on.
âHuh,â you utter, tilting your head too. âI actually thought m let down wouldâve gotten a bigger reaction out of you.âÂ
A moment passes, and then another before Heeseung says, âYou can sit if you want. I donât know if youâre going to stay long or anything, but you can always sit here.â
You smile and he can hear it, watching you take your coat off before sitting on the couch. Itâs a bit of a stretch from where youâre sitting but you reach over to turn on the lamp in the corner and Heeseung sits too, as far away as he can. You look comfortable, like youâre supposed to be there and the thought warms his heart.
âYou didnât have to come here. Iâm happy you did but you didnât have to,â he says after too long.Â
A frown tugs your lips down. âOf course, I did. I care about you, Heeseung, you know that.âÂ
Now doesnât seem like the time to argue, so he makes a mental note to mull over this later. âI know,â he lies, his voice nothing more than a mumble as he nods.Â
âDid you guys have fun?âÂ
Deciding it best to pretend his Crush cover went well, he nods again, smiling as he thinks about the nice parts of boysâ night. With your encouragement, he talks happily for a while about their song choices and the way they all came together in the end. âI feel like weâd get on pretty well as an AC/DC tribute act.âÂ
âDo you know what room you were in? Thereâs got to be a way for me to pull the security footage and see for myself.âÂ
âI actually think Jimin works there, she might be able to hook you up.â
âJimin?â you repeat in a different tone. The shift is so subtle that Heeseung barely picks up on it, never mind placing it or knowing what it might mean. If he were any more delusional, he might think youâre jealous, but the curiosity in your voice tells him to get out of his head.Â
âYeah, this one girl in the year above,â he explains. âShe transferred to humanities so we had a couple classes together last term.âÂ
âOh, cool.âÂ
He really canât work out your tone and itâs disconcerting. Maybe he should talk about Jimin some more. âSheâs like mega smart, and really nice too. She was actually at the club that night! The girl I was talking to when you and Jay went to get drinks,â he says, suddenly remembering.Â
âGood for Jimin.âÂ
âI think youâd like her.â He smiles. âYou know, if youâre looking for friends or anything.âÂ
You only nod, pressing your lips together and leaving Heeseung at a complete loss for words. He watches you chewing on the inside of your cheek, playing with the thread bracelet on your wrist. âIâve always loved your voice,â you mumble, looking down.
âI know.. You used to beg me to stay up on the phone singing for you.â Heeseung presses his lips together after speaking, mentally locking them and throwing away the key.
You nod with a smile on your face that makes his stomach flutter. âYouâre, like, the best guy ever.âÂ
That makes sense. That Heeseung could be like, the best guy ever but not quite good enough to stay with. He mulls over your words and contemplates setting himself on fire. Standing up from the couch, he goes over to his room. From the doorway, he says, âYou can share Jayâs bed, itâs too late to go home by yourself.âÂ
Heeseung closes his door with plans to stay inside the whole night, but only manages an hour before he gets sick of the stale taste in his mouth. He leaves quietly, and in the light from outside, he sees you sleeping on the sofa with your hands tucked under your head. His heart sinks. Without much thought, he carries you to his room, tucks you in and runs away before doing something stupid like kissing your head to go and brush his teeth. Unlike you, heâs not afraid to wake Jay up, pushing the boy over to make room for himself on his bed, where he lays awake for hours trying to figure out what went wrong with you two until his head starts to hurt.Â
In the morning, Heeseung doesnât see you before you leave, but he spends the better part of an hour with his ear pressed against Jayâs door, eavesdropping on your conversation. If you werenât talking about him he might feel guilty about this, but you are, so..Â
âI just feel bad, you know? I donât know how to fit into his life and I feel like Iâm only making things harder for him by being here,â you say. âHarder for everyone.â
Heeseung grips the doorframe until his knuckles turn white. Heâs spent too much time thinking about how to be your friend without actually trying to be, too caught up in his own feelings to see how heâs affecting everyone else. The corners of his lips droop at the thought.Â
âWeâre happy to have you back, Heeseung too. Heâs just.. hurting, you know? Iâm not sure if you heard but he kind of got blindsided and dumped by his high school girlfriend,â Jay says.Â
You laugh drily and he pictures the way you roll your eyes. âHey, uh, random Q, what do you know about Jimin?âÂ
Jayâs quiet for a bit. Or heâs whispering. Heeseung presses his entire body to the door as if itâll help. âYoo Jimin?â he asks.Â
âProbably. Heeseungâs friend.âÂ
âSheâs cool,â he answers simply. âYouâd like her.âÂ
âSo I keep hearing. Whatâs going on with them?âÂ
âNothing really. They met at some party last year, both pretty drunk, and somehow ended up in a random bedroom where she tried hooking up with him.â Jayâs words strike Heeseung like a jolt, his heart pounds and his stomach twists. It takes a lot for him and the knot in his stomach not to burst out of the room and clear things up. The main thing stopping him though, is that Jayâs telling the truth. âBut he misread the whole thing and ended up detailing your entire relationship for two hours,â Jay adds after a while.Â
âAnd now?âÂ
âWhy do you care?â Jayâs tone is teasing but the question makes Heeseung spiral.Â
His mouth starts to dry up at the thought of you admitting that you donât care, that youâre over him and just being nosy. Panic swells in his chest and he jumps away from the door as if itâs red hot, scrambling back under the covers of Jayâs bed and falling back asleep.Â
In the following two weeks, Heeseung finds himself mastering the art of avoidance. He fills his evenings with pick-up basketball games with Mark on random courts in the neighbourhood and rushes out of class before you have the chance to talk to him. Playing with Mark is fun, but he canât ignore the regret festering within him, a persistent thorn in his side. Fortunately for him, Jay, whether knowingly or not, presents him with a potential turning point. Heâs invited you and the boys over for pres before his party, instructing Heeseung to get his shit together and acknowledge your existence.Â
On the night before his birthday, the apartment echoes with your voice, yelling at Jake to get off the floor. Sunghoonâs cackles only get louder, filling the space. Behind his closed bedroom door, Heeseung catches a panicked glance of himself in the mirror, running a hand through his hair and adjusting his bangs. He lingers in his room as long as he can, trying to put off seeing you.
Jay opens the door without knocking, a lazy grin on his face and a slight sway in his stance that tells Heeseung heâs drunk already. âWhat are you doing? Weâre waiting.âÂ
âI donât know,â he admits.Â
Rolling his eyes, Jay lets out a tired groan. Itâs an unspoken scolding that Heeseung heeds immediately, following him into the kitchen, where Jake is messily pouring shots on the counter. He doesnât see you anywhere, but Sunghoon distracts him, cheering and wrapping his arms around himâalso drunk already. âSheâs in Jayâs room, Yunjin called,â he says. âOh, yeah, happy almost birthday, man. Twenty is crazy.âÂ
By the looks of things, Sunghoonâs on a mission to kill Heeseung. Twenty shots for his twentieth birthday doesnât sound like as much fun as Sunghoon thinks it does, it sounds like a punishment or a death sentence. Heeseung â put off by the smell of vodka â manages four shots before tapping out, deciding that heâd quite like to remember tonight and wake up on his birthday without a headache.
Heeseungâs eyes widen when you show up in the doorway, a confusing sense of surprise washing over him. Itâs not like he didnât know you were here; he heard you earlier. Itâs just that your sudden presence catches him off guard. His heart skips a beat and a sudden rush of nerves courses through him. He takes in your appearance, his eyes tracing every inch of you before meeting your eyes. As you run your hand through your hair, you smile at him, so pretty and genuine that he canât help grinning back.
Your dress is beautiful, of courseâblack satin, he thinks, with pretty pink ribbons tied into perfect bows on the top, and youâre the only girl Heeseungâs ever wanted in his life.Â
A whispered whoa falls from his lips, which seem to rest in an âoâ as he stares at you. Youâre looking away from him now, focused on the tequila puddle Jakeâs left on the counter, grabbing some paper towels to mop it up. Jay snorts beside him, nudging his ribs hard. âYouâll catch flies, Heeseung. Come onâdecorum, please.âÂ
Heeseung clears his throat, running a hand through his hair and wiping his palms on his pants, but he doesnât make any moves towards you.Â
âDo something,â Jay mumbles.Â
He nods in response, repeating do something, over and over in his head until he finally approaches you. âHey,â he says, breathless. His heart hammers in his chest when you look up at him, beaming.Â
âHeeseung,â you say. âHappy almost birthday. Howâre you feeling?âÂ
Before he has a chance to respond, you wrap your arms around his waist, and like itâs the most natural thing in the world, his arms fall around your shoulders, holding you close. Itâs perfect. Some combination of your warm scent and alcohol causes the butterflies in his stomach to rage, fluttering so frantically he thinks he might be sick.Â
âInsane,â he admits.Â
He can hear you laughing, feeling your chuckles against his chest. âYou know, what?â You lean away from him, arms still around his waist, eyes locked on his and a soft smile on your lips. âMe too.âÂ
An odd weakness settles in his knees, a dizzying flutter alighting his entire body as he nods. Over his shoulder, Sunghoon calls for him, chanting, âMore shots! More shots!â For a while, Heeseung ignores him, watching you until he feels his ears heating up at the top.Â
âI think I have to go,â he mumbles, eyes locked on your lips. They curl up into a crooked grin, and you use a hand to pat his chest.Â
âGood luck.âÂ
Heeseung takes a deep breath when you let go of him, taking shaky steps towards his friend, whoâs grinning widely enough to show his fangs. âSorry to interrupt, I think you could use the help though,â Sunghoon says, holding out a shot glass to him.
He shakes his head at the shot, taking it from Sunghoonâs hand and placing it down on the table. âI need a minute.âÂ
Sunghoon only shrugs, taking the drink himself, knocking it back with no visible reaction, and Heeseung thinks he must be a monster. âI really think you could fix things tonight,â he says afterwards, pouring another.Â
Instead of taking this in stride, Heeseung decides to pretend you donât exist after hugging youâitâll be easier that way. To him, this looks like staring at you in your pretty dress and snapping his neck in the opposite direction when you look over at him.Â
To appease Sunghoon, he takes another three shots and has to sit down, overwhelmed by the way his cheeks burn and how the kitchen starts to tilt around him. His mouth is oddly dry; a sensation that has nothing to do with you or the way you look in your dress. This time when you catch him staring, he smiles.Â
Even in his beyond-tipsy state, Jay manages to ensure everyone leaves the flat before requesting an Uber. Heeseung finds himself sitting cross-legged on the pavement, for some reason, scrolling through his camera roll.Â
âCarâs here, get up,â Jay eventually mumbles, nudging his back with the tip of his shoe.
With some stumbling, Heeseung stands up, dusts off his pants and heads to the car. Jay holds the door open for you, and as you slide across the backseat, your dress rides up. Heeseung screws his eyes shut, shaking his head to clear his thoughts, like resetting an etch-a-sketch. Jayâs hand claps his back as he instructs him to get in, which he does. Hesitantly, he slides into the middle seat, glancing to his right to see whoâll be joining you.Â
âYouâll thank me later!â Jay calls out, closing the door.Â
Before he even has a chance to shift over, your hand lands firmly on his knee, silently urging him to stay put. With a pounding heart, he complies. The back of his hand brushes against your thigh as he fastens his seatbelt, and the feeling of your soft skin against his leaves him breathless. He feels afloat when the car starts moving. A few minutes pass before you take your hand from his knee, mumbling an apology as you place it on your lap, idly playing with your fingers.
Mark lives about twenty minutes away, leaving Heeseung with something close to sixteen minutes to think of something to say. R&B from the early 2000s rumbles through the speakers in the car, vaguely explicit lyrics alluding to something heâs craving fill the space around the two of you, wrapped up in your warm vanilla scent and the fresh peppermint gum youâre chewing. To put it simply, thereâs not a coherent thought in his head he could express that wouldnât get him into trouble.Â
âI didnât know you were on the basketball team,â you say after a while. âWell, I did know, but you know.âÂ
âI donât know,â he admits quietly because he has no idea what youâre talking about.Â
A beat passes before you speak again. âHow was your day?âÂ
The first thing on his mind is what falls from his lips. âYou look beautiful,â Heeseung blurts out, trying to ignore the tinge of anxiety thatâs irritating his stomach. âYour dress is.. Itâs really pretty,â he adds, feeling as though he wonât lose anything by putting everything on the table.Â
âThanks.â You smile. âYou look beautiful too.âÂ
Heeseungâs breath hitches in his throat and he looks down at his outfit in the dark. If Jay hadnât interfered, heâd be wearing a hoodie and sweatpants right now, but heâs happy with the simple striped shirt and loose pants Jay suggested, even if it leaves him a little chilly. âItâs, uh, itâs actually my birthday party tonight,â he supplies uselessly.
You laugh, and itâs the best sound heâs ever heard. âI kind of just meant in general.âÂ
âMe too.âÂ
The car falls silent as he lets his head fall into the space between the headrests and closes his eyes. When you reach Markâs house, he opens them and finds you staring with a smile. âI thought you fell asleep,â you say.
He shakes his head, sliding over the backseat and opening the door. He didnât expect you to leave from the same side as him, but he likes the heat on his cheeks as he closes the door for you. Wordlessly, the two of you go through the gate and join Jay, Jake, and Sunghoon who are sitting cross-legged on the porch, giggling around a shared joint. He has no idea how they arrived before you did.Â
Heeseung isnât sure how he loses you guys but itâs not until his third round of beer pong that he actually notices. Lee Jeno and his red eyes are a poor shot, barely managing to throw the ball without hitting Heeseungâs chest or dropping it before he gets to aim. He almost feels bad for the guy when he sinks another one of his cups, watching Jeno frown before pinching his nostrils shut and taking a big gulp.Â
Jayâs sudden presence startles him, though heâs quick to grin at his best friend. The smile isnât returned. Instead, he leans up to Heeseungâs ear, yelling that YNâs crying before nudging his way out of the room. His heart sinks and he offers no explanation to Jeno, following Jay upstairs and into the bathroom where he finds you, sitting on the floor, crying into Sunghoonâs shirt while Jake watches with a frown, picking at his nails.Â
âWhat happened?âÂ
Jake talks with a hushed tone while Sunghoon helps you up before leaving. âShe didnât say anything, she just asked us to go to the bathroom with her and started crying.â He opens his mouth to continue but Jay yanks him out of the room, closing the door.Â
âIâm not, like, upset or anything,â you say after a while, wiping your eyes with the back of your hands. âI donât know whatâs wrong with me. Iâm sorry. I really didnât want to ruin tonight for you so I told Jake not to say anything, but obviously, he didnât listen.âÂ
âJake did the right thing telling Jay, none of us want to see you upset.âÂ
âIâm not upset.â You hit Heeseungâs chest with a weak fist, crying more. âWhy does everyone think Iâm upset?â
âIt might be the tears,â he offers, feeling good about making you smile.Â
âYeah, maybe.âÂ
âAre you using a new liner? Mascara? You still look good.âÂ
You take a look in the mirror, resting your hands on the edge of the sink. âYeah, I discovered waterproof makeup in first year.âÂ
âIs it harder to take off?âÂ
âDefinitely, but itâs worth it, I think, for nights like this.âÂ
âYeah, right.â Heeseung nods, watching you carefully as he sits on the edge of the bathtub. Itâs like being in high school, seeing you like this. Most of the parties you went to were spent in the bathroom, with Heeseung holding your hair back and trying to calm you down after throwing up. He misses all of it except the vomit. âAre you okay?âÂ
Catching his gaze in the mirror, you nod but look down at your hands when he says your name. âItâs just a little harder being back than I thought it would be.âÂ
âOh.âÂ
You sigh, playing with your hair as you sit down next to him. âObviously itâs great seeing the guys all the time, seeing you all the time, but everythingâs fucked and we act like strangers and itâs killing me not being able to just..â you trail off. Heeseung is clearly drunker than he feels because it looks like your eyes are stuck on his lips. After a beat you slide away from him, moving until your back hits the wall. A mixture of frustration and something else colours your face. âI just donât like treating you like a stranger and I donât know how to fix it.â Before he has a chance to think or to say anything you ask him for the time.Â
âItâs 12:23.âÂ
âHappy birthday!â you say, smiling. âAm I the first to say it?âÂ
âYouâre always first.â Even last year, you sent a text at midnight, so Heeseungâs not sure why thereâs a surprised look in your eyes or why itâs making him want to kiss you more than usual. âYou donât have to treat me like a stranger if you donât want to,â he says carefully, trying to get you both back on track.Â
âI donât know how Iâm supposed to act around you.âÂ
His voice is soft when he says, âHonestly, neither do I.âÂ
âI wish I never left.âÂ
âEverything happens for a reason, I guess.â Despite the small smile on his face, heâs still trying to understand what reason you had.Â
An exhaled laugh comes from your nose and you nudge him. âWere you secretly trying to get rid of me?âÂ
âYou caught me,â he sighs, holding out his hands in defeat. âI had this whole elaborate plan. I was going to fake my death, but you saved me the trouble. Thanks for that.âÂ
Both of you share a genuine laugh and the tension in the air eases up a bit. Heeseungâs eyes meet yours; a brief moment of silence follows. You clear your throat. âIâm sorry for leaving. I really wish things couldâve been different.âÂ
It canât be your intention to hurt him by saying that, but you do, leaving Heeseung feeling the full spectrum of his emotions. A pang of hurt, of longingâhurting himself even more as he thinks about the could-have-beens. He purses his lips, looking down at his shoes. âMe too.â Sick of the tension, of his feelings, he glances at you, sitting up a little straighter. âHow about we start fresh? Clean slate?âÂ
âClean slate?â you echo, raising an inquisitive brow.Â
Heeseung nods, determined, extending his hand for you to shake. âIâm Heeseung.â
âYN,â you chuckle, taking his hand in yours.Â
He holds onto it, a playful grin tugging at his lips. âFunny, you look just like my ex.âÂ
Your eyes widen, amused. âWow, Hee, you always know just what to say.âÂ
The two of you sit quietly for a moment, but Heeseungâs just glad youâre not crying anymore. He feels lighter now, hopefully you do too. Standing up, he holds out a hand to help you get to your feet which you take, smiling up at him as you straighten out your dress.Â
âYou know,â he says, clapping his hands together. âFor a second there, I thought Iâd need a manual on how to talk to you again, but I think weâre doing pretty well.âÂ
Heeseung feels pleased with himself when you laugh, rolling your eyes and nudging his chest with your hand. âShut up,â you say, light and playful.Â
âAre you ready to get back to the guys?âÂ
You smile at him, nodding before quickly turning back to the mirror. âDo I look okay?âÂ
It doesnât make sense to Heeseung that a girl as beautiful as you could ever look just okay. Even with the slight swell to your glassy eyes, youâre the most perfect person heâs ever seen. But he canât say that. So instead, he pulls a sharp breath through his teeth, tilting his head a bit and raising his hand in a horizontal gesture, his fingers wobbling as if balancing an imaginary scale. AÂ non-committal sound escapes him, a soft eh before he laughs at the way your jaw drops.Â
You punch his arm. âHeeseung!âÂ
âCome on, you know you look great,â he mumbles, looking away to hide the flush in his cheeks. The sound of your lips spreading into a smile makes his stomach flutter as he opens the door to find Jay, Jake, and Sunghoon sitting cross-legged in the hall in front of it.
âBirthday boy!â Jay yells, springing to his feet and flinging his arms around Heeseung.Â
âAnd YN!â Jake adds from his seat.Â
Heeseung hears you saying thanks to Jake before sitting next to him.Â
âSo, did you two kiss and make up or what?â Jayâs attempt at whispering is futile and somehow Heeseungâs cheeks burn even more as he frees himself from his friendâs hold.Â
âKiss, no. Make up, yes.âÂ
âPlaying the long game, I like it.â Jay grins, patting Heeseung on the back. âSit down, letâs talk.âÂ
Heeseung sits in the space next to Sunghoon, holding his legs awkwardly to his chest. Heâs not entirely sure whatâs happening and he feels like heâs not drunk enough anymore to fully relax into it, until you leave Jakeâs side, crawling over to Heeseung and resting your head on his shoulder. In the dim hall, the boys shuffle around but itâs too dark to see what theyâre doingânot that he cares much at this point, letting his head rest on top of yours and closing his eyes. It almost sounds quite pretty when they start singing Happy Birthday, and Jake has a tiny lunchbox cake in his hands when Heeseung opens his eyes. Its purple-frosted TWENT-HEE is disrupted by a half-smoked joint stuck in the centre which the flash on Sunghoonâs phone provides a makeshift flame for.Â
âMake a wish!â you squeal, clapping your hands.Â
It takes three attempts for Heeseung and Sunghoon to coordinate the timing between his exhale and Sunghoon turning the flash off, but the candle is blown out, and, right now. Heeseung has everything heâs ever wanted.Â
Almost.Â
Heeseung wakes up pressed against the wall with an arm wrapped around his waist. An embarrassing surge of excitement courses through him as he thinks about your conversation and puts his hand over yours. What heâs met with is less of the softness heâd anticipated, and more of the coarse skin and defined knuckles heâs come to recognise as Jakeâs hand under the duvet. It only takes a look over his shoulder to make sense of why Heeseungâs nose is grazing his bedroom wall. Behind him is Jake, whoâs being spooned by you, and behind you is Sunghoon whoâs clinging onto your frame for dear life, even in his slumber. Evidently, Jayâs had a successful night and with his unwavering loyalty to Yunjin, itâs not hard to figure out what happened in the room across the hall.
With his eyes pressed shut, desperate to clutch some more sleep, he hears you mumbling. âPark Sunghoon, if you donât wake up and let go of me, Iâll kill you,â you say with a tone that frightens Heeseung and sets off a flutter in his stomach. The yelp and thud that follow seem to wake Jake up and he crawls over you to get out of bed, stretching his arms out above his head and making no effort to step over Sunghoon on the floor. You roll over in the bed, wrapping an arm around Heeseungâs waist and pressing yourself into his side. âHappy birthday,â you say through a yawn before getting up.Â
He manages to mumble a thanks, butterflies running wild in his stomach and a flush creeping up his neck as he watches you leave the room, eyes stuck on the way your hips move in last nightâs dress. He gets out of bed, sighing, untucking his shirt to cover the tightness in his pants before joining his friends in the kitchen.Â
Hungry but unmoving, you and the boys occupy the three seats at the small kitchen table, harping on about the different things as Jake whines, begging you to keep it down.Â
Heeseungâs first intense emotion as a sober twenty-year-old is betrayal. There are used dishes lying in the sink, plates, mugs, and pans â two of each â staring up at him, wafting the scent of a cooked breakfast, with no leftovers in sight, up to his nostrils. He sighs, wondering if itâs his responsibility as host, and eldest friend, to make more food for everyone, or if, as the birthday boy, he should sit around and wait for someone else to take action. Settling on the latter, he sights up on the countertop, sure to keep his back to you so he doesnât have to see the low neckline of your dress.
Finally, Jay comes back, whistling an unfamiliar tune and twirling his keys on his finger when he reaches the kitchen. âHello,â he says simply, leaning against the doorjamb as if he hadnât single-handedly ruined Heeseungâs birthday.Â
Sunghoon rubs his eyes, looking in Jayâs direction. âSo now, if I want a nice breakfast after a night out, do I have to fuck you?âÂ
Jayâs cheeks flush as he looks at his feet. âI mean, I planned to cook for you guys when I got back.âÂ
âI donât want your sloppy seconds,â he scoffs, slumping in his chair.Â
âI do, Jay. Cook for me,â you say, gesturing toward Jayâs general direction making grabby hands at him.
With a gentle smile, he crosses the room and pats your head. âWhat are you in the mood for?â
âAnything,â you mumble into his shirt.Â
Jay nods, going over to the fridge. He stands in front of it with his hands on his hips, completely still for almost two minutes and Heeseung only approaches him because heâs worried about the outside heat getting on all the food through the open door.Â
âWhat are you doing?â he asks, uttering his first sentence of the morning.Â
Jay clears his throat, scratching the back of his neck as he leans towards Heeseung. âI, uh, finished the eggs, milk, and bacon.â A nervous look covers his face before he continues. âAnd we ate your Hello Kitty pancake mix,â he adds, mumbling like he doesnât want to be heard.Â
Unfortunately, he is, and Heeseungâs mortified. âMy Hello Kitty pancake mix?!â He takes a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. âYN got that for me, we were supposed to make those together.â His voice is as whiny as his volume will allow, and he struggles not to stomp his feet.Â
âOh, you were? Howâd that work out?â Jayâs words are cutting.Â
âOkay, ouch.âÂ
âDude, it was expiring next week. Plus, Yunjin just looked so cute when she saw itâI had to.âÂ
âWhat if I wanted to make them this week?âÂ
âYouâve had the box for two years,â Jay reminds him. âThink of Yunjin.âÂ
With a sigh, Heeseung actually does think of Yunjin. Although the girl he envisions is different from the one Jay wants him to imagine.Â
They met on the first day of university. She had a guitar strapped to her back, and a huge amp in hand when she approached him. Her eyes were wide with nervousness or excitement; Heeseung couldnât tell which. Immediately, she extended her free hand for him to shake. âYunjin,â she said.Â
âNo.â He shook his head while pointing at himself. âHeeseung.â From the way she laughed at his stupid joke, he knew she was the next girl Jay would fall for.
Jay had a habit of falling in love with the first girl to do something nice for him on any given day. And then the next girl. But after hearing Yunjin talk about her gap year, spent learning guitar seriously, Heeseung had a feeling things were going to change for his friend. He was right.Â
The memory, along with the satisfaction of having figured those two out from the beginning, brings a warm smile to Heeseungâs face. âYou owe me.âÂ
âYeah, whatever. I owe you,â Jay scoffs, though the slight furrow in his brow suggests genuine remorse. âJust so you know, they werenât special or anything.. just pancakes, you know?âÂ
Heeseung chuckles despite himself. âAre you trying to make me feel better?âÂ
âMaybe a little,â Jay shrugs. To his credit, it works.Â
At least until Heeseungâs stomach grumbles, a noisy reminder of why theyâre standing there in the first place. He also learns the hard way that the fridge starts to beep when you leave it open too long. Jay laughs through his nose, closing the door with his elbow.Â
âWhat are we eating?âÂ
Jay seems to think about this for a minute, tilting his head and suggesting McDonaldâs.Â
If asked, Heeseung probably wouldnât have said he pictured spending the morning of his twentieth birthday squished between Jake and Sunghoon in a sticky booth, but heâs here and canât find anything to complain about as he inhales his breakfast. Too caught up in the way his hoodie drapes over you, he listens half-heartedly as you all quiz Jay on his night. It seems like heâs being pretty tight-lipped about the whole thing but the dreamy grin on his face is hard to miss.Â
Eventually, you all pile back into Jayâs car, with Heeseung sitting shotgun as a birthday gift, that he doesnât get to fully enjoy because he falls asleep as soon as the car starts moving. He sinks into the front seat, a contented smile playing on his lips as the warmth of the sun and his full stomach lull him into a peaceful nap.Â
At home, he thanks Jay before crawling into bed where he replies to messages before letting his head fall into the pillow.
His eyes donât even close all the way before you come into the room. âCan I nap in here?âÂ
Heeseung nods, watching you get comfortable under his duvet. In a matter of seconds, youâre just an armâs reach away, softly snoring with your back to him. Meanwhile, he spends four hours laying completely still, trying to convince himself that the heat radiating from your sleeping form doesnât make him miss you more.Â
At around 3 p.m. when everyone wakes up, you and the boys hurry away for various mumbled reasons, leaving Heeseung home alone, trying to practise his surprised face for whenever youâre all back with cake and a gift.Â
You donât return until Heeseungâs hair has started to dry after his shower, but you waste no time shuffling around the kitchen before coming back with a pretty cake and real candles with a real flame, singing for him again. With the way Jakeâs rushing him, Heeseung canât come up with a wish in time, so blows out the candles with a clear mind.Â
âWoo!â Jake cheers, clapping around a wrapped present that he immediately thrusts into Heeseungâs hands. âOpen it!âÂ
He barely gets to peel the first piece of tape before he jumps off the couch and kneels down next to him. âItâs LEGO! The Infinity Gauntlet, you know? And the best part is..â Jake pauses dramatically. âYou get to put it together with your best friend, Jake! Right now!â His excitement is endearing even though heâs ruined the surprise. âThe others can help too, I guess.âÂ
You frown at him. âI paid for the kind lady at the LEGO store to gift wrap that for us.âÂ
âYeah, and she did great!â Jake grins. âCan I help you open it? Please, Heeseung, please. Youâre taking forever.â
With a smile, Heeseung hands the box to Jake, letting him open it carefully before Sunghoon joins in, tearing the paper to shreds all while Jay records the whole moment like a proud father. All five of you are sitting on the floor now, covered in wrapping paper while Jake holds the LEGO set up like itâs his, blinking hard at the camera with a smile on his face, and itâs Heeseungâs favourite birthday yet.Â
my girl: who wants to take me on a date?
Heeseung knows he should probably change your contact name but the notification still makes his cheeks burn in a way he thinks he likes.
jake: heeseung probablyÂ
jake: idk tho
my girl: ok heeseung come to the museum with me for class
sunghoon: next time open with the museum thing holy shit.. i almost fucking volunteered
heeseung: when?
my girl: i would have rejected you hoon
my girl: whenever ur free !
Heeseungâs schedule always has a way of clearing up when it comes to you, and he skips pick-up with Mark to pick you up at your door that evening. You answer right when Heeseung knocks, sliding some rings onto your fingers with a smile on your face, saying, âHello.âÂ
âYou..â Heeseung swallows, nodding his head. Heâs doing his best not to check you out but he really canât help it when your jeans seem to fit like they were made for you. âHi,â he whispers.Â
âHey.âÂ
He clears his throat, finally managing to unstick his gaze from your thighs and gestures in the direction of the stairs. âShall we?âÂ
At the train station, you donât object when Heeseung pays for your ticket, he didnât mean to, his finger just clicked through for two tickets instead of one. Heâs happy when you donât make a big deal about it, only smiling and thanking him when he hands you the ticket. He stands close behind you, protective, letting the peak-time commuters nudge past him instead of you as you wait in line for the only working ticket barrier. You go through first and Heeseung quietly follows, trying to keep his eyes off your ass and praying that the rest of the day goes by more comfortably than itâs started.Â
The train is packed too, so you stand by the doors and, again, Heeseung stands maybe a little closer than necessary, his arm above his head gripping the yellow handrail. âWhy did you want to go to the museum anyway?â he asks, gulping when you look up at him.Â
âIâve always liked museums.â You shrug, playing with the buttons on your cardigan.Â
âI know, itâs just.. You said earlier you wanted to go for one of your classes.âÂ
âRight. Itâs a requirement for one of them. Visualising Culture,â you explain, looking him in the eyes. Suddenly nervous, he doesnât trust his voice to speak so he nods, keeping his gaze fixed on yours. âMuseum and Exhibition Studies.âÂ
âCool.âÂ
âYeah.â You nod and turn your head from him, looking through the window.Â
Your eyes are stuck on the trees outside, blurring into each other, and his eyes are stuck on the side of your face, staring shamelessly for the rest of the journey. A tinny voice announces the name of the station youâre approaching, and you nudge Heeseung gently, a silent signal that itâs time to leave. Silence seems to follow you out of the station and into the museum, but he tells himself he doesnât mind.Â
For the last hour, youâve been looking at artwork without taking note of anything or making comments, all while Heeseung observes you, wondering what youâre supposed to be doing for class. âWhatâs the point of this trip?â he finally asks.Â
Without backing away from the painting, you turn your head to look at him, raising a brow. âWhat do you mean?âÂ
âLike, whatâs your task?â
You chew on your lip for a bit before looking back at the painting. He canât help but wonder if in all your time away youâve been flexing some sort of elitist muscle, or if itâs come about as a result of your fancy exhibition studies class that you had to take a test to be accepted into. Finally, you lean away from the painting and use your phone to take a picture of the blurb before looking at him again.Â
âI wanted an excuse to get someone to come to the museum with me and I wanted it to be you.âÂ
Your words are so cute and so honest that his heart warms in his chest, even as he ignores his sadness about the fact you felt like you needed an excuse to hang out. âYou could have just asked me.âÂ
Considering his words, you frown, tilting your head at him. âYou make it sound so easy.âÂ
âIt is easy, or it should be, itâs us,â he says unthinkingly. Clearing his throat, he scratches the back of his neck. âI mean, thatâs, like, the whole point of having friends, right? To hang out with them?âÂ
âWell.. yes. I just.. I donât know.âÂ
Somehow, this makes perfect sense to Heeseung who only nods his head, moving on from the frame when you do. Itâs nice watching you admire the art, to watch the soft smile that develops as your eyes scan the canvas.Â
You like looking at the paintings when no one else is, to get up close and try spotting the brush strokes. You like imagining the artist and how they might have felt as they painted, and when the paint is thick, protruding from the canvas, when you can see streaks of yellow peeking through a sludgy green. You have a lot to say about the paintings and how they make you feel, and how they donât make you feel, finding something you like in all of them.
After a while, you grab Heeseungâs hand and excitedly pull him through all the Ancient Egypt stuff, and heâs too happy that his fingers are locked with yours to worry about his aching feet anymore, and youâre so cute with your wide grin that he doesnât have the heart to tell you heâd like to sit down. He hates you a little when the two of you take turns writing your names in hieroglyphs, and you somehow manage to maintain your neat handwriting. But you make up for it by writing his name too, drawing a pretty butterfly at the end that makes his heart race.
You start rambling about shabtis and how people were typically buried with a few, depending on their wealth and status, but Tutankhamun was buried with something like four hundred, and some of them were even painted to look like him. âLook at how pretty this one is,â you say, grinning while holding your phone in his face with a picture of one. Your excitement peaks when you reach the big sarcophagus, and you let out a squeal when you open it and three kids run out, bursting into a fit of giggles. Youâre excessively cute when you ask him to take a picture of you, and then make him take a video opening the front while you're âdeadâ inside it. Which takes a few attempts because youâre laughing each time.
You tell him to delete those takes. He doesnât.
Right when heâs expecting you to get out, you grab him by the wrist and pull him in with you, closing the front of it before letting go of him. Heeseung is certain heâs lived this exact moment before, but he was seventeen and you were giggling like crazy, feeling around in the dark for his shoulders to wrap your arms around before kissing him. He has no idea what heâs supposed to do or what you want him to do, and the feeling of your breath fanning his neck in the tight space isnât helping.Â
Silent minutes pass by like hours until a kid pulls the sarcophagus open. The light is blinding but Heeseung steps out, relieved, almost thanking the kid for saving him. Youâre fiddling with your necklace and struggling to meet his eyes. When you do though, you shoot him an easy grin, laughing to yourself about nothing.Â
âDo you want to get something to eat?â Drinks maybe?â you ask after a while, playing with the zipper on your jacket.Â
Heeseung takes you to a restaurant where university students heâs only seen on Instagram walk around like they own the place. A tired-looking guy comes to take your orders before you even have a chance to take your coat off so Heeseung asks for a minute and the waiter leaves. Thereâs something in his demeanour though that makes it seem like you only have one full minute to make up your minds.Â
âWhat do you want to drink?â you ask, holding the drinks menu out to him.Â
Heeseung closes it, sitting it on the table. âProbably a beer.âÂ
You laugh at this. âYou donât have to act all manly in front of me.â Thereâs a soft look in your eyes like you mean it.Â
âI actually like beer these days.âÂ
Your brows raise and your jaw drops before you utter the word whoa.Â
âWhat?â he asks, suddenly self-conscious.Â
You shrug, collecting yourself. âYouâre just.. different now.âÂ
The very prospect of being different is shocking to Heeseung who prides himself on being pretty consistent with his behaviour. His brows knit together as he tilts his head. âBecause I like beer?â he asks, scoffing slightly at the mere suggestion.Â
âI mean, thatâs part of it.â To his dismay, this seems to be the end of your sentence. He gives you a little nod, hoping you read his mind and elaborate like he wants you to. âYou bleached your hair, pierced your cartilage, whatâs next? Are you going to tell me you have a tattoo?âÂ
Heeseung feels his breath catch in his throat when you say the word tattoo but you donât seem to notice. âItâs been a year,â he points out, folding the corner of his napkin, pressing his thumb against it with enough pressure to leave a defined fold and have it stick up a little when he lets go.Â
âI know, itâs just.. weird, you know?â Your voice is small when you speak, soft and quiet, barely anything above the noise around you both.
Heeseung nods. He does know.Â
âYouâre weird too.âÂ
âHow?â Thereâs a defensive tone to your voice that makes him chuckle.Â
âYouâve always been weird.âÂ
A dramatic frown curves your lips and the waiter is back before you can object. Leaning forward slightly, he orders for both of you, the sharing platter of fried chicken, your French Martini, and his controversial draught beer. He doesnât miss the way you raise your brows when he orders the beer, as if youâd been waiting to catch him out or something. After the waiter leaves, Heeseung meets your gaze briefly, matching the gentle smile on your lips before looking away.Â
The drinks only take a few minutes and you thank the waiter before looking over at Heeseung, a mischievous glint in your eyes as you slide your cocktail over to him. âDo you want to try?âÂ
He nods, lifting the glass and moving the straw out of the way to take a sip from the rim. Nodding his head, he hums in approval, eyes widening. âItâs good.âÂ
You lean back in your seat, twirling the straw when he hands the drink back to you. âYeah?â you ask, smiling triumphantly as if you made it yourself. âA normal person wouldâve used the straw.âÂ
Heeseung canât help but roll his eyes, liking the way you laugh. âAre you acting out because I called you weird?âÂ
âA little.âÂ
The waiter places the platter at the centre of the table with a small smile, that you match, clearly hungrier than youâd been letting on as you lick your lips at the sight of the chicken. Heeseungâs stomach grumbles quietly as the scent hits his nose and he feels like he hasnât eaten in days when a plate lands in front of each of you. A comfortable familiarity settles over him when he lets you pick first, and he knows you feel it too from the sweet smile you give him before eyeing the food. You take a while considering every wing, even though all of the pieces are scarily identical, before picking one and Heeseung follows, choosing with much less care than you, but enjoying it nonetheless.
Under your light-hearted scrutiny, he orders a cocktail the next time the waiter comes around. Itâs much better than his beer, and so quickly, one cocktail turns into two until both you and Heeseung are four drinks in, laughing over nothing and putting in an effort not to slur your words together.Â
Time seems to pass at the same rate as your drinks, though neither of you seems to notice until you check the time on your phone and your mouth falls into a gasp. Heeseung does the same when you show him your screen, you only have ten minutes to make the fifteen-minute walk back to the station so you can catch the last train.Â
He gets up to settle the bill as quickly as humanly possible before you grab him by the hand and book it out of the restaurant. Though breathless, he knows he canât let up, running as fast as his legs will carry him as he tugs you along behind him. Somehow you still have it in you to cackle every time either of you trips up.Â
Out of breath, you both slump into the first seats you find, sobering up a little after the run. He looks at you and feels his heart snag in his chest. âYou okay?â he asks, huffing out a breath that pushes his bangs into the air.
âNo,â you whine, pouting and resting your head on Heeseungâs shoulder. He lets his head rest on top of yours reaching his hand out to grab your own. He squeezes it gently, in a way he hopes is comforting. You lock your fingers with his before he can pull away and Heeseungâs heart starts pounding again.Â
He doesnât realise youâve fallen asleep until the train reaches your stop and you donât react. He doesnât want to wake you up, nor does he want to let go of your hand, but he knows he has to. Heeseung nudges you gently, rousing you from your sleep. âLetâs go,â he mumbles.Â
Stretching your arms above your head, you nod while yawning.Â
You take tired steps alongside him on the short walk back to your apartment, not saying anything until you reach your doorstep when you yawn once more, looking up at him. âI actually had fun today, thanks for hanging out with me.âÂ
âActually?â Heeseung raises a brow. âDid you think you wouldnât?âÂ
You shrug, chewing on your lip. âI thought it might be awkward.âÂ
âIt kind of was.âÂ
âMaybe,â you admit with a nod. âIt was a pretty successful first date though.â Your eyes are like saucers as your hand flies up to cover your mouth. âNot in that way. Iâm only saying âdateâ because thatâs what I said in the chatâI wouldâve called it a date if Hoon came with me, you know? I didnât see this as a date if thatâs what youâre thinking. Because it wasnât. And I didnât.âÂ
âMhm,â Heeseung hums with a sceptical look on his face, finding amusement in watching you scramble to correct yourself. âFirst dates are always awkward, baby, donât worry.â The endearment slips out before he can help it, his heart stopping in his chest until he sees you smiling.Â
âWell, yeah, but this wasnât a date, baby.âÂ
âAre you sure? I mean, you made me pay for your train ticket, I paid for dinner and drinks. As far as first dates go, Iâve been a perfect gentleman all night.âÂ
âThat you have.â You nod once, firmly. âIâm not going to pay you back or anything. And this is hardly our first date.âÂ
Heeseung grins despite himself. âIs this your way of saying I can bill you for our other dates? Do you have savings?âÂ
Your head falls back in laughter, the sound infectious as it falls from your lips. You sigh softly, straightening up after a beat and nudging his shoulder with your fist. âStop making me laugh or Iâll do something stupid like kiss you.âÂ
His heart races in his chest, caught between your laugh and the thought that maybe that wouldnât be such a bad thing. âI feel like if we pulled up a typical date timeline weâd be right on track for that, donât you think?âÂ
âHeeseung,â you mumble, face softening. It doesnât seem like youâre finding this funny anymore. Your gaze locks on his lips â a hyper focus that makes him press them together nervously â before snapping up to meet his eyes. You gulp. âGoodnight, thank you for today.âÂ
âAnytime.âÂ
âDonât say that or Iâll take you up on it.âÂ
Heeseung shrugs. âYou say that like Iâd have a problem with it.âÂ
âYou wouldnât?âÂ
âNever.âÂ
A small laugh comes through your nose as you smile up at him. âIâll see you, let me know when you get home.âÂ
âGot it.âÂ
Wordlessly, you open the door, crossing the threshold before saying goodnight again. Heeseung says it back, watching you shut the door and waiting for the lock to click before he leaves.Â
Heâs never drinking with you again.Â
Heeseung feels like heâs settling into the role of your friend quite well. So well that he can spend time alone with you without the discomfort he felt in September. Maybe heâs taking liberties, bending the word friendship to suit him, but as you lie in his bed together, your head on his chest as you nap, he canât bring himself to care too much. He knows heâll get hurt by this at some point, but for now, heâs just happy to play with your hair and try his best to fall asleep too. You donât stir when Jay opens the door, stopping dead in his tracks at the sight before him, tilting his head before closing the door quietly.Â
Sleep never reaches him, but he pretends to yawn, rubbing at his eyes when your alarm wakes you up, making a point to stretch his arms over his head and only respond to you in a lazy mumble when you speak. âWhose idea was it to nap between classes, again?â
âI think it was yours.â
âDamn,â you mumble, yawning again before laying back down, head returning to his chest as if drawn by a magnet. âI think ten more minutes, fifteen, and then we wake up and go back.âÂ
âOr we could skip?âÂ
The suggestion makes you jolt upright, fully awake now. You let your eyes drag over his face, and maybe Heeseungâs being hopeful or straight-up imagining things, but your gaze lingers on his lips for more than a few seconds before you gulp and meet his eyes. âLee Heeseung trying to skip class? I never thought Iâd see the day.â A smile spreads over your lips, turning into a laugh as you throw your head back. âThat was funny, Hee. Letâs go.â
Heeseungâs brows furrow, watching you stretch your arms out in front of you. Was it so hard to believe he would skip class if it meant spending more time with you? His lips settle into a pout. âIâm serious.â
âNo, youâre scaring me. Come on, letâs go,â you say, making no attempts to get up.Â
To prove a point, Heeseung shifts under the covers, lying on his side with his back to you. âYou go ahead, Iâm staying.âÂ
You sigh but donât get out of bed, only lying down next to him and draping an arm over his waist. âTen more minutes.â You press yourself against his back and he feels his heart racing. As quickly as he feels it, you stiffen behind him. âIâm not crossing a line, right? Holding you like this? Itâs always been easier to sleep if youâre next to me,â you say into his shirt.Â
Remembering the way you would cuddle into his side during sleepovers, his heart aches, wondering if you had endured the same sleepless nights as him. Heeseung only lifts your arm to turn onto his back, pulling you onto his chest like you had been earlier. âFifteen,â he says.Â
Seeing as neither of you bothered to set another alarm, you sleep through class, only waking up when itâs dark out and Jay comes back. âI bought dinner, come eat,â he says, leaving the door open on his way out.Â
Wordlessly, you both peel yourselves from bed, dragging your feet to the kitchen to wash your hands before joining Jay in the living room. Heeseung sits cross-legged on the floor by the coffee table while you and Jay sit on the couch. Heâs not awake enough to fully register your conversation over the rustle of plastic takeout bags and his sudden overwhelming hunger, but youâre telling Jay to shut up, mumbling something and he lets out an exaggerated groan, clutching his chest when Heeseung turns around to hand over your food.Â
With his elbows on the table, he takes a bite from his burger and has to suppress a moan. Most of your conversation with Jay goes over his head and he doesnât realise how much time has gone by until youâre standing at the door pulling on your shoes. Given the way Jayâs lying on the couch, Heeseung assumes heâs on walking-you-home duty and grabs a jacket before stuffing his feet into Jayâs slides.Â
The conversation is light as you walk together, Heeseung making sure heâs on the edge of the pavement the whole time and letting you talk about your friends. The walk has become so natural now that he only realises youâre approaching home when you take out your key to open the door to your building.Â
âDo you want to meet before class tomorrow? To go over the slides we missed today?â you ask, with something behind your eyes that Heeseung sleepily interprets as hope.Â
He nods, smiling at you and waiting for you to lock the door before he leaves.Â
Jayâs awake when Heeseung gets back home; he canât say heâs surprised. Heeseung only nods at Jay, who sits on the couch, but he knows his flatmate well enough to know thereâs a conversation coming because the TV is off and his laptop is shut. Heeseung makes it all the way to his door before Jay says anything. âYouâre in way over your head.âÂ
Heeseung sighs, not in the mood. âOkay. Night,â he says, opening the door.Â
By the time November arrives and Jakeâs birthday approaches, everything is back to normal again. Turning nineteen, Jake celebrates with a modest pub crawl that spirals into a three-day bender, leaving him bedridden for nearly a week due to dehydration and fear of a test heâd forgotten to study for.Â
In standard Jake fashion, he manages to bounce back and sits across from Jay at his favourite restaurant only six days after his actual birthday. Considering the state he was in, itâs a wonder he can stomach the smell of alcohol, let alone down four cocktails without a pause. Jay and Sunghoon exchange sighs, each supporting one of Jakeâs sleeping arms on their shoulders to carry him home.Â
âCover the bill and let me know the amount. Iâll transfer you in the morning,â Jay mumbles before they leave.Â
You shake your head when Heeseung asks if you want to go home as well. âUnless you want to,â you say, all of your words blending together. âIf you want to go home, we can. I donât want you sitting here bored or anything.âÂ
Heeseung smiles. âIâm not bored, we can stay as long as you like.â You seem to take this to heart, nodding and flagging down a waiter to order more drinks. âLetâs maybe slow down a little though,â he suggests.Â
He pours you a glass of water and makes you drink the whole thing, withholding your alcohol until youâve finished the cold tteokbokki in front of you. Gradually, you become more coherent, wiping your face with your hands and sitting up a little straighter. You thank him when he pours soju for you and take tiny sips from the glass here and there, telling Heeseung about some of the friends you made while you were away. Thereâs Yizhuoâsweet, funny, and down-to-earth. And Minjeongâa quiet girl who needed a while to warm up to new people. You tell him about meeting her for the first time, how unsure she seemed when Yizhuo introduced you two, but by the end of the night, she was falling asleep next to you in bed with her arms and legs tangled around you.Â
âDo you miss them?â Itâs a stupid question, anyone could tell from the fond smile on your face that you do.Â
A beat passes while you think about it before shrugging. âNot as much as I missed being here.â If he wasnât watching you, or looking you straight in the eye, he probably wouldâve missed the longing in your gaze.Â
Heâs never known you to be subtle after a drink, and Heeseung knows he needs to nip this conversation in the bud before either of you says something you canât take back. âHow are you getting on with your research task?â he asks, while at the same time you say, âIâm so happy to be back.âÂ
A short laugh slips out of you, a hand falling to the table before wrapping around your glass. You bring it up to your face but donât drink, only looking down into it as if itâll tell you what to say. âAre you happy Iâm back?âÂ
âSure,â Heeseung says noncommittally.Â
You sigh, sinking into your seat a little. âI loved you. I still love you,â you mumble. âEven after all that.âÂ
Heâs not sure what to make of this, of anything youâre saying. Itâs not like you had a messy breakup or anything. At least, he wouldnât describe his long-term girlfriend breaking up with him and asking if they could be friends after as messy. Even in heartbreak, Heeseung was a reasonable person, and any reasonable person wouldâve said no. Like he did.Â
âI still.. Youâre still the one for me.âÂ
His stomach lurches violently. âDonât say that.â He gets out of his seat quicker than he means to and leaves you at the table, tapping his foot as he waits in line by the bar to pay the bill, praying heâs right about the two of you sitting at table ten when the cashier asks. With a folded receipt in his pocket and too much to think about, he returns to the table, only putting on his coat and mumbling, âLetâs go.âÂ
For some reason, you donât seem to mirror his urgency, only finishing off the drink you had left in one go and sitting for a bit longer. He takes your jacket from the back of your chair and holds it open for you, helping you into it when you finally stand up. âThanks,â you giggle.
Heeseung says nothing.Â
The silence and fresh air outside are sobering as he watches an Uber driver through the app, very slowly moving from two minutes away to one before arriving. Maybe if you hadnât said what you said at the table, he might have warmed to the idea of a forty-minute walk alone with you, but you did say those things and even the thought of this fifteen-minute car ride is unbearable when John (4.9 stars) pulls up on the curb outside. You thank Heeseung quietly when he opens the door for you, and against his better judgement, he walks over to the other side of the car and sits in the middle seat like he used to.Â
Slow R&B murmurs through the speakers as the driver pulls off while Heeseung hums along. His thigh is pressed against yours but he does his best not to think about it, only chewing his lip when you rest your head on his shoulder. He lets his head rest on top of yours before regretting it.
He doesnât move.Â
It feels a little bit like the driver is playing Heeseungâs playlist, as every song he knows and loves seems to come on one after the other, steeping him in an odd comfort in the backseat of this car.
Your hand falls onto his knee so clumsily heâs sure itâs a mistake, so sure youâll move it back into your lap that heâs genuinely surprised when you donât. Unsure what to do, he chooses not to acknowledge it, acting like you sitting so close to him, like the feeling that no time has passed, doesnât make his heart clench. Slowly but surely, your hand inches up his thighâa motion Heeseung stops as soon as he realises, his hand falling heavily over yours and pushing it back to his knee. He thinks about keeping it there, but when he feels his thumb stroking your skin, he moves his hand immediately. Youâve obviously gotten the wrong idea. For a moment, he wonders if youâve actually gotten the right idea. You have. But it canât happen like this. After a few minutes, you move your hand again, and like before, Heeseung pushes it back, keeping his hand over yours and reminding himself not to move his thumb.
Youâre drunk. This will pass.Â
Finally, the driver parks outside your building, and Heeseungâs sure his âthank you so muchâ holds the worldâs sincerity in it as he unbuckles his seatbelt and practically leaps out of the car. He opens your door and has to undo your belt for you, helping you out and thanking the driver again.Â
Thereâs a couple leaving the building when the two of you reach the door, and with your arms wrapped around his, he thanks them when they hold it open.
The lift takes forever to come and Heeseung pushes the up button five times before it arrives. He lets the girl in fleecy pyjamas with a takeout bag in her hand go in first before following, pressing the button reading 7 before relaxing a bit. Under the protection of a stranger, he knows you wonât do anything. The journey to your floor feels like hours as the lift drags its way up the shaftâwhy does nothing share his urgency?Â
You donât say anything until the elevator door swooshes shut behind you. âI love you, Heeseung. You know I love you.â Youâre saying everything heâs been wanting you to say for ages, but the words make his words sting.Â
âDo you know where your keys are?â he asks, though you still have a ways to go before you reach your door.Â
âMy pocket,â you mumble.Â
Heeseung finds your keys, unlocks the door and helps you in. As much as he wants to leave, he knows if he does, you wonât take your makeup off or change, so he holds your hair back for you as you brush your teeth and wash your face in the sink quietly.Â
In your bedroom, you search through your drawers, pulling out something to wear. He turns his back to you and ends up face-to-face with an old photo of the two of you from school.Â
âYou can look, Hee.â
Drawn to the picture, he doesnât reply. The boys are in it too, but it feels like you two are the focus. Everyoneâs smiling at the camera except Heeseung, who â with his arm around you â stares at the side of your face with a lopsided smile. Happiness radiates from his being, lighting his eyes and face.
âI want you to look.â The softness and desperation in your voice tug his heart.
âCome on baââ Heeseung sighs. âJust get dressed, yeah?âÂ
You donât say anything but he can hear the rustle of your clothes as you change.Â
Jealousy blooms in his chest, looking at himself three years ago. Happy and full of love for you and your friends, for life. Everything was so easy then. His chest tightens and he has to close his eyes.
Heeseung feels you next to him, hears your jewellery falling into the clay holder on your dresser and opens his eyes, looking at you. Youâre in a t-shirt heâs sure belongs to Jake and struggling with the clasp on your necklace. He knows you want him to help but he feels like he canât move.
âI know you donât want to hear it, but I really do want to be with you,â you say when you finally get the necklace off. âAnd I know Iâm too late, but I didnât break up with you because I didnât want to be with you.âÂ
Youâre so close the peppermint on your breath hits him like a wave. A distinct smell of citrus and summer, of Jake, comes from your body, mixed up with the scent of you in a way that makes him uneasy.Â
He gets a headache trying to make sense of your words, if it wasnât that you didnât want to be with him, then what was it? Even back then, you didnât elaborate, you just repeated his name and the words: itâs not your fault, over and over until they sounded made up. Heeseung canât entertain this conversation, not now. Not when youâre drunk and looking up at him with longing in your eyes. âI think we need to get you to bed,â Heeseung mumbles, taking a step back. âIâll get you some water.â
âBut Iâm here now and we can be together again.â
âYou moving was never the problem. You know that wasnât the problem.â A tear slips down your cheek and he softens immediately. âI wanted to go with you, I was going to go with you.âÂ
You wipe your eyes with the back of your hand, frowning. âThis university was your dream. How could I let you give up your scholarship for me?â
âYou were my dream,â he admits. âAnd it wasnât your decision to make.âÂ
âYou would have made the wrong one.âÂ
Heeseung scoffs. âDo you think breaking up was the right one?âÂ
Your silence is brutally telling. You squeeze your eyes shut as if trying to magic yourself out of the conversation, but it only makes more tears fall. A realisation hits him like a truck: youâre thinking about it. A painful lump forms in his throat. How could you have anything to think about? How was breaking up with him, not the single worst decision youâve ever made? He canât believe you could have let go so easily if you loved him. Long distance wouldnât have been easy, but surely if you loved him, you would have made it work. You would have tried. Heeseung wishes he hadnât asked at all.
âI do,â you say finally, opening your eyes to look at him.
His heart is heavy in his chest. âOkay.â
âHeeseung.â
âWhat?âÂ
A stomach-churning sob falls out of you. âI donât know.âÂ
Another silence weighs the room down and Heeseung knows what he needs to do. He sighs. âLetâs just.. I should go.âÂ
You donât put up a fight, you donât say anything, only letting your shoulders droop before you sigh and lead Heeseung to the front door. He says goodbye as he puts his shoes on and all you do is watch as he leaves your apartment. He waits for you to close the door and lock it before walking away.
Heeseung walks all the way home and only cries when he closes his door, sliding down the back of it like something from a movie. With tears in his eyes, and his knees to his chest, he pulls out his phone to text you. I hope your hangover isnât too bad, he types. Letâs only talk when we need to.
The two of you manage to hold this up, with you finding others to sit with during classes, and no one seeming to question Heeseungâs skipping plans or new close friendship with Markâs group who he spends time with between classes instead. But as always, things have a funny way of going different to how Heeseung expected them to.Â
After three weeks of near radio silence, Jay barges into his room with his face scrunched up. âWhat are you doing?âÂ
âRight now?â Heeseung asks, confused. Standing by the bed with the corner of his duvet in his hand, in nothing but his underwear, he thinks his plans look a little obvious. âIâm about to jerk off.â
Jay rolls his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. âYou know what I mean.âÂ
âEvidently, I do not.âÂ
âWhy donât you hang out with us anymore?â he asks, squinting at Heeseung.Â
âWeâre hanging out right now.â
âForgive me if I donât count an impromptu circle jerk as hanging out.â
âI donât.. want to do that.â
Jay clutches his chest. âIâm crushed.âÂ
Heeseung studies his expression. Serious, an inch of concern pooling in his eyes. âWe dated for six years, she dumped me, I turned into a shell of myself, but she moved back home and weâre all friends again, so I think things are looking up for me.â
A deep sigh leaves Jay as he sits on the bed. âWhat happened at the bar with YN three weeks ago when we all left?âÂ
âNothing out of the ordinary.â
âWhat exactly counts as ordinary for you two?â
Heeseungâs still trying to figure that out. He shrugs. âMaking the right decisions.âÂ
âSo youâre okay?â
âNever better.â
âYou donât have to lie to me, you know?â Thereâs a sincere look on Jayâs face as he leans back on his hands.
âWhich is why Iâm being honest.âÂ
It doesnât seem like Jayâs going to let this go, but to Heeseungâs surprise, he smiles. âPerfect,â he says, standing up from the bed and walking over to the mirror where he checks himself out. âBecause she and the guys are going to be here in ten. Put some clothes on.â
He does just that, pulling some shorts over his hips and a shirt over his head before pulling the two bean bag chairs stacked next to the couch to sit in front of the TV, claiming one of them with his body by sinking into it. The cosy material is soft against his thighs and he wonders why they donât use them more.Â
Ten minutes go by like seconds when Jay gets up to answer the door, laughing at something one of you says before leading you all into the living room. Heâs watching some show Jay left on, greeting you and the boys with a wave before turning back to the TV. Behind him, the four of you laugh and talk on the couch but Heeesungâs too wrapped up in an argument on screen to join in. His attention only falters when he reaches for the open six-pack on the coffee table. Itâs barely out of his reach, so he turns around to take a beer, trying to ignore the way his heart sinks in his chest seeing you and Jay cuddled up together. Itâs friendly, he knows that. Jayâs with Yunjin and youâre.. Heâs still not sure, but it hurts nonetheless. Youâre bickering over a bowl of popcorn and he only laughs when you throw a handful at him.Â
The red speaker Sunghoonâs holding chimes three times when he turns it on, a Frank Ocean thudding out of it that drowns out the show heâs watching, leaving him to follow along with the subtitles instead. But he canât focus.Â
Heeseung tries to settle his heartache, comforting himself with the thought of the two of you in another reality. One where itâs him instead of Jay. Or one where you come over and sit with him, curling up in his lap, pouting because Jayâs being mean. He pictures himself stroking your hair and kissing away your pout, holding you into his chest when Jake and Sunghoon start teasing you. In this reality, however, he watches you peel Jayâs shirt from his chest and dump a handful of popcorn in the gap, cackling to yourself at the clear frustration he doesnât verbalise. Heeseung sighs, looking back at the TV and taking a sad sip of his sad beer.Â
After a while, you fall into the beanbag next to him, sprawling out over the whole thing and looking at him. âHey, Heeseung.âÂ
âHello.âÂ
âIâm sorry about that night.â Your voice is quiet, clearly apologetic if the way you donât meet his eyes is anything to go by.
âOkay.â Heeseung nods and a beat passes. âI meant what I said, what I texted you.â It hurts to say but itâs for the best. He stands up out of the beanbag, making a show of stretching his arms and legs before sinking into the couch next to Jake. Over Jakeâs slouched form, Jay shoots him a look, arching a brow. Heeseung only stages a chuckle, shrugging before looking at the TV again. He canât make sense of anything on the screen.Â
Sunghoon emerges from Jayâs room with a grin on his face, asking when youâre going to eat. In standard fashion, the four of you stand around Jay in the kitchen, bothering him by telling him what to do like heâs a child as he puts frozen pizza and some garlic bread in the oven.Â
âThe middle oneâs the timer,â Jake says, pointing at the knobs above the oven door. âItâs there so you can set how long the food needs to cook for, and after you set it, itâll go off so you know itâs ready.â
âBut itâs all up to you and your discretion. You can open the door whenever you want to check on everything,â you coo, patting his shoulder.
If Jayâs actually annoyed, nothing about his smile gives it away as he nods with a clenched fist, closing the door and sitting next to Heeseung on the countertop. Heeseungâs almost too busy focusing on the way his beer heats his stomach to notice the way you watch him with a small frown from barely an armâs length away. Sunghoon picks up on your declining mood and thrusts an open bottle into your hand. âWe like to drink withââ Heâs cut off by Jay taking the bottle and setting it behind you on the counter, mumbling cut it out, dude, and tugging you out of the kitchen by the arm when he notices the tears in your eyes.Â
He hears Jayâs door close and nobody says anything until the timer goes off and Jay comes back alone, filling a plate with food and going back to his room.Â
âThanks for dinner,â Jake says to the back of Jayâs head, offbeat and half smiling as he washes his hands in the sink.Â
Sitting at the table, he watches Jake and Sunghoon eat while pretending nothingâs wrong.Â
At the end of the night, when everyoneâs gone home, Heeseung gets into bed, barely managing to pull the duvet up when thereâs a knock at his door. âYeah?â he calls out. Jay appears with his arms crossed over his chest. âI donât want to talk about it,â he says quickly.Â
Jay regards him with a frown. âI didnât even say anything.âÂ
âYou were going to.âÂ
âYeah.â He nods, and Heeseung prepares himself for a lecture. âI was going to say, Iâm going home next week, for Christmas, so I was wondering if you wanted to go with me.âÂ
The holidays go by in a soju and tteokguk-filled blur, with Heeseung choosing to stay at home until the day of his first class of the second semester so he doesnât have to be around you. He tells himself itâs for the good of your friend group, as he watches you all make plans in the group chat through notification bubbles, so he doesnât leave a read receipt.Â
The commute is more jarring than he realised. What had been a twenty-minute drive turns into an hour-long journey, including a thirty-minute walk to the train station ânearâ house, fifteen minutes on the train into the city centre, and another fifteen minutes on foot to campus. Heâs drenched in sweat despite the below-zero temperature and has to make a stop to the bathroom to sort himself out.
He arrives early at least, finding the room where his Ethnography: Theory and Practice 2 class is set to start in fifteen minutes. The only indicator that heâs in the right place is the lecturerâs name and contact information written in the top corner of a whiteboard, and Heeseung picks the seat furthest from the door. Itâs an elective class and, judging by the nine empty chairs next to him, not a very popular one. Heâs relieved at least that heâll be able to start off the semester without running into anyone he knows, least of all you. As seats start filling up and the lecturer arrives, heâs feeling unusually lucky.Â
So, of course, you show up, running a hand through your hair as you walk through the open door, apologising for being late even though there are still two minutes until the class is scheduled to begin. Of course, the only empty seat is the one next to him, which you sit in without looking at him, making an effort to angle your body away from him. Of course, the lecturer assigns a presentation for two weeks time, pairing the class with the person theyâre sitting beside. Neither you nor Heeseung say a word to each other, but you raise your hand when prompted to pick a topic to cover. He canât help his irritation at you for making the decision without asking him, but you look so nice in your hoodie with your hair tied up that his annoyance settles before it has a chance to bloom.Â
âYN YLN and Heeseung Lee, weâll do music and cultural expression,â you say, picking the topic he wanted to do anyway.Â
When class is over, youâre quick to get out of your seat, pulling on your jacket and stuffing your laptop back into your bag before leaving so quickly that Heeseung has to leave his stuff behind to go after you. You donât stop walking when he calls out your name, and too scared to make a scene, he overtakes you, leaving you with no option but to stop in front of him.Â
âWe should go to the library, get the research and shit out of the way ASAP,â he suggests.
You nod, crossing your arms over your chest.Â
âYeah, okay, Iâm going to get my stuff.â
You follow him back to class, watching from the door as he puts his things in his bag before putting on his jacket. You donât say anything on the walk to the library, when you get there, or when you browse the Cultural Studies section. Heeseung glances at you and youâre chewing on your lip, crouching a bit to read the spines of the books on the lower shelves. âAre you alright?â he asks with genuine concern.Â
You look up at him, nodding.Â
âAre you sure? Because you havenât said anything in an hour.â
This makes you straighten up, your brows furrowing in an expression he canât figure out. âSorry, Heeseung,â you say, your voice weak. âIâm just trying to figure out if you think I need to talk right now.âÂ
âObviously, a paired project is a situation where we need to talk.âÂ
You sigh, muttering oh, my God, before you look at him. âYou know what, Iâm going home. Letâs do this tomorrow.âÂ
âWe have class in twenty minutes.âÂ
âYeah, Iâll read the slides when I get in.â
Unsure what to say, he watches you walk away, deciding that he should just go home too.Â
At the flat he hasnât seen in five weeks, Heeseung feels slightly out of place, going straight to his room and into bed, not even getting up when he hears Jay coming home. Jay opens the door without knocking, his mouth falling into an excited âoâ shape. âHey, stranger,â he says. âI thought you werenât coming back, so I started advertising your room on Gumtree.âÂ
âAny offers?â
âNo one as good as you.â Heeseung doesnât have to look at Jay to know heâs smiling. âMove over,â he mumbles, lifting the duvet.Â
Lazily, he rolls over in bed, making room for Jay who makes himself comfortable under the covers.Â
âWhat are you doing, Heeseung?âÂ
âTrying to sleep.âÂ
âTalk to me, help me understand.â Jay sighs and Heeseungâs lips curl into a frown. âYouâre my best friend,â Jay says quietly, with a tenderness that strikes him.Â
âYouâre my best friend,â Heeseung repeats like an affirmation.Â
âSo why wonât you talk to me?â
Thereâs a subtle hurt in Jayâs voice that upsets Heeseung, who shifts around to lie on his back. âI donât think thereâs anything I can tell you that YN hasnât already.âÂ
âShe only told me that she fucked up.â
Hearing it from someone elseâs mouth makes it sound drastic, especially considering heâs the one who left. Again. But heâs too bitter to say that out loud so he bites his tongue. âSeems to be the theme in our relationship.â The words taste rotten when he says them.
âJust because youâre my best friend doesnât mean you get to be a dick,â Jay says. âWhat happened?âÂ
It takes some time but Heeseung explains everything, letting Jay ask questions and make comments until the end when he looks away, pressing his eyes shut and saying, âOh.âÂ
âOh?â
âI donât think I get it. Boy loves girl. Girl loves boy. Why canât you just be together already?â
Everything sounds painfully simple when itâs put like that. But thereâs too much between you both for it to go that way. Itâs not like he didnât want to be with you when you confessed, itâs that he didnât know how he could without knowing why you left him in the first place. Without knowing what he did that was so terrible you couldnât stand to be in a relationship with him, never mind the same area code.Â
A beat passes before Heeseung speaks. âThere was something wrong, and instead of trying to fix it, she just.. gave up. I wouldâve done anything she asked me to. I couldâve changed, couldâve fixed things, but she didnât even tell me.âÂ
âMaybe she didnât feel like she could. I donât think she wanted to hurt you, Heeseung.âÂ
âBut she did.âÂ
âYeah,â Jay admits, sympathy lacing the word.Â
âHow can I be with her knowing thereâs some awful part of me she hates?âÂ
âItâs not like that, not really.âÂ
âWhatâs it like then?â
âIâm not sure itâs my place to say.âÂ
Heeseung laughs, shaking his head. âDo you keep my secrets as dutifully as you keep hers?âÂ
âAre you kidding? She doesnât even know you have secrets.â Jay sounds exhausted as he speaks, and itâs the last sound to come from him until a few minutes pass and Heeseung hears him snoring.Â
You didnât reply when Heeseung texted you asking to meet in the library before class, but you show up anyway, pulling out the seat across from him and dumping your bag on the table. âI donât know if you saw the email, but the partner work is just for the presentation.âÂ
âCool.â he nods, relieved.Â
âI think after that, Iâll start hanging out with Yunjin instead, so youâre not uncomfortable.âÂ
Heeseung frowns, shaking his head. âIâm not uncomfortable around you,â he says. âI just donât.. get you. You dump me and move as far away as you can. Now youâre back and what? You love me again?âÂ
You furrow your brows, inspecting him for a moment before you speak. âI donât love you again, Heeseung. Iâve loved you this whole time.âÂ
âSo why didnât you choose me? I just wanted you to choose me.â Heâs too anxious to know the truth to worry about how desperate he must sound. Until he notices that the guys sitting at the other end of the tables are watching him, their brows arched sharply in a mixture of shock and curiosity. Heeseung runs a hand over his face, hoping the motion might wipe away the flush burning his cheeks.
âYou wanted me to choose you over my future?âÂ
âI couldâve been your future, part of it. Iâd never ask you to choose me over university, you know I wouldnât. Iâm saying you couldâve had both.âÂ
âIt wasnât as easy as that.âÂ
âWhy not?âÂ
âHeeseung,â you say like itâs an answer.Â
âJust tell me why you didnât want me. Thatâs all I want to know.âÂ
The following silence makes him consider packing up abruptly and faking an emergency. Heâs sure he could probably fake his death if he slumps in his chair slowly enough.Â
You sigh heavily, interrupting his train of thoughtânow, heâs wondering if he even wants to know. âBecause you wouldâve put me first,â you say, avoiding his gaze. âIf I stayed here or moved away, I wouldâve been your top priority and I couldnât let you throw away everything you worked for, for me.âÂ
âI loved you, of course, you were my top priority.â He canât believe he even has to say it, canât believe you might have thought you werenât the single most important thing in his life.Â
âHeeseung, you were sacrificing your life for me. You missed your cousinâs engagement party to help me study for a history test, you deferred your scholarship entry by a year just so we could go to college at the same time. How could I keep letting you miss out on your life?âÂ
âDeferring my entry wasnât just for you,â he lies. âAnd itâs not like I missed the wedding.âÂ
âBut I think you wouldâve if I stubbed my toe.â
âWould that be such a bad thing?âÂ
You sigh again, shaking your head. âDo you hear yourself? You canât keep living like that, you canât just throw everything away. Youâre such a hard worker, Heeseung, and Iâd hate to see you waste that over some girl.âÂ
âBut youâre you. You werenât just âsome girlâ you were my girl.â He doesnât mean to say it but itâs true. âWe were in high school and I was studying constantly; it didnât matter back then. And you were so far away, itâs not like I could feasibly drop everything and go to you every time something happened.âÂ
âHeeseung.âÂ
âYou had a choice.âÂ
âHeeseung.âÂ
The way youâre saying his name reminds him of your breakupâthe pink walls of your childhood bedroom and the pictures of the two of you stuck up all over them, in frames on your desk, and stickers on your light switch. How they seemed to close in around him as he put all of his energy into staying on two feet, instead of falling to the floor and begging you on hands and knees to stay with him.Â
âWhy didnât you just tell me? Iâve spent the last year and a half wondering what I did wrong, I donât understand why you didnât just tell me.â We couldâve tried, he wants to say. I could have changed and we couldâve tried.Â
âI didnât want you to lose that. I felt really lucky that you loved me like that, and I didnât want to rob someone else of it, you know. I thought maybe youâd find a balance with someone someday, but I didnât think that person would be me.âÂ
Heeseung has to put in an effort to stop his jaw from dropping. How could there ever be someone else? How could you ever think he could have someone else? Thereâs so much he wants to say, to ask, but he can tell by the way you press your lips together that youâre done with the conversation.Â
âItâs not too late.âÂ
You tilt your head at him. âWhat?âÂ
âIn your room that night, you said you were too late,â he explains. âI love you.â
âStill?âÂ
His heart shifts uncomfortably in his chest at the tone of your voice and the way your eyebrows shoot up. âAlways,â he says.Â
A smile starts to curve your lips, but it slips before it has a chance to bloom, stifled happiness that you cover with your hands, hiding your face completely. âI donât think we should talk about this here.â Your palms muffle the words but not their impact; youâre right and he knows it.Â
Itâs been a yearâthe longest of his life, and the hard part is already over. He knows now and heâll do anything he can to fix it. âRight.â Heeseung nods but youâre not looking at him. Heâs going to fix it. For now, though, he says, âWhatâs our research topic again?â Despite having had Music and Cultural Expression typed into the search bar since before you arrived.Â
With Heeseungâs work ethic and your commitment to being the best, the presentation goes quite smoothly. You make no mistakes, and Heeseung, distracted by how pretty you look in professional attire, manages to stumble through the script heâd rehearsed. The two of you even win the first place prize â satisfaction that you got a perfect score â and celebrate with coffee afterwards.Â
Between the four walls of the campus cafĂŠ, you and Heeseung sip lattes that taste like temperature â still too hot to have a real flavour â and laugh with each other about something Jay said when you all hung out last night. Neither of you mentions your conversation from two weeks ago, deciding instead to fall into the patterns of your first term together: napping in his bed after class and coming up with excuses for alone time. He makes an effort to follow through with his commitments, even when you ask him to hang out, to show you that heâs different now. If youâve noticed, you havenât said anything about it, but Heeseung tells himself itâs a good thing while missing shots on the court with Mark, too hung up on you to focus on anything else. The only thing left is to figure out a way to be yours again and do everything he can to make sure he doesnât lose you.Â
Over your shoulder, through the window, the sun slips below the horizon, casting long shadows around the cafĂŠ. He takes a deep breath when he looks at you, smiling down at your phone as you take a picture of your half-drunk latte and the milky swirls still peeking through your coffee. A tangible determination settles in his chest as eveningâs first stars appear in the sky, he knows one thing for sure: he has to grab the chance to be yours again with both hands, and once itâs his, he wonât let go this time.Â
The cafĂŠ may be clearing out, but his heart is full of hope and for the time being, sitting with you as a friend is.. fine.Â
Youâd often imagined what it would be like if you hadnât broken up with Lee Heeseung.Â
Most of your first year was spent daydreaming about him in all of your usual hangouts. Sometimes, at drinks with your friends, you envisioned him showing up, a smile on his face as he apologised for being late. Heâd slide into the booth next to you, wrap his arm around your shoulders and kiss your cheek. Other times you imagined him showing up to surprise you, sitting on a bench in the quad and grinning when he saw you leaving. Heâd run up to you with open arms and a bouquet in his hand, wrapping you in a hug and whispering that he missed you too much to wait another day to see you. You would even fall asleep thinking about FaceTime calls that stayed on overnight or drunken texts after the club, misspelt I love yous and canât wait to see yous filling your text thread.Â
You didnât tell your new friends much about him, briefly mentioning a partner youâd watched some film with or an artist he liked if they came up, and most nights were spent begging Jay to send you Heeseungâs social media posts and tell you every detail of the day they had without you. Based on accounts from Jay, Jake, and Sunghoon, it seemed like he was getting on well, a fact that â while hurtful â pushed you to try and do the same. After a month of avoiding your flatmates, you finally managed to connect with them, going to various social events around campus and rolling your eyes any time a drunk guy complimented you.Â
This is why it took you by surprise to see him at Mark Leeâs party in the summerâsitting alone in the garden, in sweatpants and a flannel, looking at his phone with a deep frown etched over his lips. When you think about it, it feels like so long has passed since then and itâs hard to believe it wasnât even a year ago.Â
Being back in Heeseungâs life has been more challenging than you thought it would be when you filled out your transfer application. Especially in the weeks since you finished your presentation together, since you suggested the library might not have been the right place for the conversation you were having and never followed up on.Â
Now doesnât seem like the right time eitherâyouâre sitting on the floor in Jake and Sunghoonâs living room with your back against the couch, sharing a blanket with Heeseung. Jay left about an hour ago to go to Yunjinâs, leaving the four of you to your own devices. You know you canât bring it up with Jake and Sunghoon around, but youâve had plenty of opportunities to over the last month.Â
When you finished your celebratory lattes, Heeseung walked you home. The sky was a perfect inky black, and it was cold enough to see your breath, just the way he liked, so cold he offered you his jacket to wear. He didnât say anything about it, only shrugging it off and setting it gently over your shoulders, shocking you so much that you stopped walking. The scent of his cologne, dark and woody, was overwhelming as you slid your arms into the sleeves, zipping it up and after three paces without you, Heeseung turned his head with wide eyes. You could have said it then, you wanted to say it then, but you bit your tongue and thanked him instead. He smiled, gulping when you closed the gap, you should have kissed him, he was close enough, his lips just a tip-toe and tilted head away, but you hugged him instead.Â
After that, the two of you had all the time in the world together. Between your shared classes and going for meals alone. All the time youâd spend in his living room together, cosy on the couch when Jay would go to sleep. So many moments to talk, to get back together, but the words would die in your throat every time you thought them. It all seemed too cheesy or not cheesy enough, too dramatic or too casual, you couldnât strike a balance and had no idea how to even find one.Â
Last night was probably the most jarring occasion. Yunjin and Chaewon had been trying to convince you to go the club all week but you just werenât in the mood. They seemed happy enough when you suggested hosting presâbut now you think theyâd been hoping youâd be so drunk youâd just agree to go out. Yunjin brought half a litre of vodka and Chaewon brought a soup flask with enough murky cocktail in it to feed a small family. Together, the three of you drank and gossiped around the small table in your living room, with Chaewonâs phone in a glass to amplify her playlist. After taking a whiff of whatever she brought, you and Yunjin decided â for everyoneâs wellbeing â to hide her flask and take shots of vodka, finishing off the cider you had left in the fridge.Â
âPlease come out,â Yunjin begged. âIâll feel bad leaving you here, all pretty and drunk by yourself.âÂ
âIâll feel bad too!â Chaewon added, clasping her hands. âNot bad enough to stay with you, but Iâll probably have less fun.âÂ
You shook your head. âI donât even have an outfit.â The words were like music to their ears and you regretted them as soon as you said them. Both girls grabbed you by the hand, tugging you to your room and flinging open your wardrobe. Yunjin looked for a top and Chaewon for a skirt, though both of them gasped when they saw the dress you wore for Heeseungâs birthday. Chaewon pulled it from the rack, holding it out in front of her.Â
âWe wonât pay for anything if you wear this,â she squealed before she and Yunjin started chanting: Free booze! Free booze!Â
You sighed, thinking of Heeseung and shook your head again. That dress, though beautiful, hadnât been enough for him to lose all composure and skip the party in favour of fucking you into the mattress, and you didnât love the idea of guys that werenât him ogling you all night. âAnything but that dress.âÂ
Yunjin and Chaewon seemed sad, but you were able to distract them by bringing out the disaster cocktail the oldest girl brewed earlier, pouring each of them half a glass and ordering an Uber to come and take them away. You promised them youâd go out next time, locking your pinkies with theirs and closing the door behind them.Â
Alone in your room, with nothing but thoughts of Heeseung to keep you company, you called him. He answered right away. You canât remember exactly what you said but you remember the soft sigh he let out when you said it. You could practically see him tilting his head, weighing his options.Â
âIâm trying to get a paper finished, itâs due Monday,â he said finally.Â
âBut itâs Thursday.âÂ
âYeah, and I want to have my weekend free. If youâre still up when Iâm done, Iâll come over, okay?âÂ
You nodded. âOkay.âÂ
Heeseung hung up after that and you got out of bed to clean up, hoping the time would fly. It didnât, but your flat was clean again so you pretended not to mind.Â
He called you after midnight. âDo you still want me to come over?â he asked, breathless.Â
âPlease.â There was a knock on your door after you spoke and you mumbled hold on before going to check it. Warped by the peephole, you saw Heeseung standing there, holding his phone to his ear and playing with the zipper on his jacket. He hugged you when you opened the door, asking if you were okay. âPerfect,â you said, looking into his eyes.Â
His pretty face scrunched up and he pinched his nostrils shut with his fingers, turning his head. âWell, you smell like a distillery.â
Heeseung stood in the doorway of the bathroom while you brushed your teeth, grinning every time his eyes met yours in the mirror. Tell him now, you thought. You have to tell him now. Those thoughts nagged you as you gargled mouthwash, plagued you when you hugged him again and tortured you when he carried you to bed.Â
He stiffened when kissed his jaw. âYou canât do that,â he mumbled, setting you down under the duvet. âNot now.âÂ
Then when? you wanted to say. âIâm sorry,â you said.
Heeseung sighed, shaking his head. âNo, itâs just.. Itâs okay.âÂ
Neither of you spoke after that, you made room for him on the bed and he lay down next to you, let you rest your head on his chest and played with your hair until you fell asleep. He was gone when you woke up in the morning but he left a glass of water and some paracetamol on your end table, along with a note.Â
I had to go to class and you wouldnât wake up :(Â Weâll talk about everything soon, we have to. See you at Jake and Sunghoonâs later?Â
â Your Hee.Â
If you hadnât been drunk he might have been okay with the kiss, he might have looked down at you and kissed you properly. You might have talked last night, fixed thingsâyouâve never regretted drinking so much in your life.Â
Things are better tonight at least. Youâve been nursing the same can of cider since you arrived a few hours ago and Heeseungâs only had two sips of his beer, so hopefully, if you get some alone time, the two of you can finally talk. Youâre still not sure what you should say, if you should apologise for waiting so long, for leaving in the first place. It seemed like a good idea at the time, applying elsewhere. You didnât even think youâd get in but you knew youâd never forgive yourself if you didnât at least take the chance. It seemed like a sign when the acceptance letter reached your inbox before the term had finished, an unconditional offer to a high-ranking university, you couldnât pass it up. And knowing Heeseung as well as you did, you knew heâd do anything to be by your side when you needed him, you knew heâd drop everything to move with you if you let him. Youâd owe him forever. It wouldnât be fair on either of you.Â
You called Jay in tears after a month away, telling him you made a mistake, that you needed to come back and had already filled out a transfer application. He convinced you to at least stay until the end of term, to actually make friends with the girls you were living with and see how you felt. A week later, he, Jake and Sunghoon showed up on your doorstep with chocolate and booze, hoping your room was big enough for all of them to stay for the weekend, it wasnât, not really, but for three nights, the four of you slept head to toe in your bed after eating your body weights in pizza and ice cream. There was no talk of Heeseung, even though you begged them, and by the time they left, you felt much better. At the end of your first year, you quietly submitted your transfer application and shared a tearful goodbye with Yizhuo and Minjeong before finally flying back home. The boys seemed happy to have you back, even if it meant sneaking around to hang out with youâA nudge pulls you out of your thoughts, Heeseung.
âAre you okay?â he asks.Â
When you look at him, it feels like the wind has been knocked out of you. His eyes are brimmed with concern, wide and beautiful, a deep brown youâll never get sick of. His lips are curved into a soft pout, a crease running along his brow that you want to smooth out.Â
Heeseung relaxes a little when you nod, but he seems unconvinced. âYou sure?âÂ
You reach up to poke his cheek, grinning when he turns his head, trying to fight a smile. âIâm good,â you say, pressing a dimple into his cheek anyway.Â
He holds your finger in his hands, unclenching your fist and locking his fingers with yours. A wide grin stretches over your lips as you plead with your cheeks to stop burning. Jakeâs hand interrupts the moment, falling from the couch, limp and curled into a fist that smacks the back of your head. Heâs fast asleep, not stirring at all even when Heeseung laughs.Â
Unfortunately, you lose rock, paper, scissors and have to wake Jake up. He shifts a little on the couch when you shake him, whining at you to stop and scrunching up his face at you. Heeseung and Sunghoon eventually sigh, grabbing him by the arms and legs to carry him to bed.Â
Both boys return, laughing about something and Heeseung sits down next to you again while Sunghoon leans in the doorway, yawning. âYou two can have my room,â he says, cutting his eyes at you. âNo funny business though, I just changed my sheets.âÂ
You chuckle nervously and Heeseung makes a show of hiding his face in the crook of your neck, much to Sunghoonâs visible dismay. He clutches the doorframe so hard you see his knuckles paling and uses his free hand to point a stern finger in your direction. âI mean it,â is the last thing he says before leaving.Â
âSorry,â Heeseung mumbles when the door closes. âItâs just so funny teasing him.â Heâs grinning when he lifts his head and runs a shaking hand through his hair. âAnyway, you still havenât told me about your group project.â
A sigh curls out of you, dramatic and loud as you let your head fall back against the couch at the thought of it. You brought it up in passing on Monday after class and spent the rest of the week pretending it didnât exist.Â
âDamn,â he mutters. âThat bad?âÂ
You donât have many friends in your Archaeology class, but you always look forward to it â because youâre covering Ancient Egypt â and enjoy it. But this morning, you slept in, arriving late, to find your lecturer assigning groups for a project weighing 25% of your final grade. She put the groups together based on where people were sitting, which left you, standing in the doorway fighting for breath, being added to a group of boys you shared a seminar with last term. They never contributed, and rarely showed up, constantly sending messages in the class Whatsapp group to ask if anyone had the tutorial answers. The sinking feeling that your project was doomed before it began plagued you throughout the lecture and all the way to lunch with Yunjin afterwards. Even though it doesnât have anything to do with the story, you tell him in meticulous detail about your time with her that day. Thankfully, youâre sober so donât admit that you spent a lot of the meal exchanging increasingly ridiculous ideas to get him back.Â
Heeseung is just as beautiful and good at listening as always, nodding his head and uhm-ing and ah-ing at all the right parts. Until his gaze changes for a split second into something so soft and so sweet that it leaves a mark on your heart. âI was pissed about it earlier, but now Iâm here, with you, and I want you to be my boyfriend again,â you say, jaw hanging open as soon as the words come out.Â
His eyes widen, lips parting in shock. Then his brows furrow, pushing a crease into his forehead.Â
âI know what youâre going to say and Iâm sorry.â You start running damage control and pray that Jake or Sunghoon will wake up and come back. âI really didnât mean to say that, especially not now when we havenât talked about everything. But you looked at me, Heeseung. You really looked at me just now and I canât pretend I donât want to be with you. Iâm sorry, really, but itâs your fault I said that.âÂ
Mortified, you cover your face with your hands. âCan you say something now?â you ask, mumbling into the heels of your palms.Â
All he says is your name and a pit forms in your stomach. âGod, anything but that,â you groan.Â
Heeseung chuckles, which you think is a good thing. âWould it be better if I called you baby?âÂ
âIn what context?âÂ
Holding your breath, you watch as he presses his lips together, humming as he tilts his head. âTerm of endearment between a girlfriend and her boyfriend.âÂ
You lift your head, separating your fingers to see him properly through the space and the pit in your stomach dissolves into something live, butterflies fluttering in a frenzy from the look on his face. The gentle curve of his lips, the warmth in his eyes, and the slight flush on his cheeks all make your head spin.Â
âReally?â
Heeseung nods so hard his hair follows the movement. âYes, baby.âÂ
âCan we kiss now?âÂ
âMaybe if you move your hands out of the way.â
âI donât like maybe.â
âDefinitely if you move your hands out of the way,â he corrects.Â
You canât bring yourself to move, worried that the sudden motion might disrupt something, might knock you out of the moment. Heeseung laughs, so softly it sounds like an exhale, as he takes your wrists in his hands, tugging gently. With your face in full view, his eyes flit over your features for a beat before he cups your cheek in his hand, dragging his thumb over the soft skin of your lips.Â
You donât even realise heâs leaning in until his lips touch yours. Thereâs a rush of something in your chest, an intense warmth surrounding your heart. His lips are softer than ever, gentle as he kisses you like you might breakâyou think you might. Nothing is better than this, better than having Heeseungâs lips on yours after all this time. You lean into him completely, pressing your body impossibly close to his and twirling your fingers around the hair at the nape of his neck.Â
âI love you,â he whispers, barely pulling away. âI love you so much.âÂ
You canât bring yourself to reply, emotions too close to the surface, tears too close to spilling. Instead, you smile into the kiss, somehow holding him closer and hoping heâll understand. He pulls back, just enough to gaze into your eyes with a look of pure affection. He doesnât press for words, a reassuring smile tugging his lips.Â
He understands, Heeseung always understands.Â
Sunghoonâs sheets are soft against your skin when you wake up, tickling your nose with the scent of detergent and Heeseungâs shampooâfresh and light. Your hand finds its way into his hair, fingers curling around the strands as Heeseung watches you with a soft smile, eyes scanning your features, taking you in. He lets his hand rest on your cheek, thumb stroking the skin there and his eyes flick up to meet yours. You feel like a teenager, a giddy smile gracing your lips, giggles tumbling out at the tickly feeling of lovestruck butterflies rumbling in your stomach. Heeseung beams, nuzzling into the touch of your hand as his eyes flutter shut.Â
âIf weâre going to work out this timeâI want us to work out, but we need to talk,â you say after a beat.Â
Heeseungâs brows raise like he canât believe what youâre saying, his lips pushing into a pout. âWe are going to work out, of course weâre going to work out.â His voice is still raspy from sleep, a deep hoarseness thatâs too sexy for the cute way heâs chewing on his lip, doe-eyed and sweet as his eyes scan your face.
âI know, baby, I want that.â You nod, using your hand to push his hair out of his face. Itâs so long now itâs starting to cover his eyes, the soft blond strands curling into his eyelashes. âBut you have to say no to me, you know? I want you to have a life of your own, we both should.âÂ
âNo.âÂ
âNo?â You press your eyes shut, sighing. âWhat do you mean, no?âÂ
âIâm starting now.âÂ
âIâm serious, Hee, this is serious.âÂ
He pouts for a second before nodding. âIâm serious too. I can say no to you, I will say no to you.âÂ
You canât help your scepticism, raising your brow at him as you inspect his face. Thereâs nothing about his expression that suggests heâs not being serious, nothing in those huge eyes seeming insincere. But you know Heeseung, youâve been with Heeseung, and you know better than anyone, thereâs nothing he wouldnât do if it meant spending time with you, so you have to ask. âSo from now on, if I text you when youâre in class or out with friends, and I tell you I want to see you, what are you going to do?âÂ
Heeseung sighs. âIâm going to text back and say that Iâm.. busy.â His lips curl into a frown. âMy heart will be super heavy though.âÂ
âBut youâll do it? You wonât see me until youâre free?âÂ
âIâll do it, I wonât leave or anything.âÂ
âDo you promise?âÂ
âYeah, baby, I promise.â When you smile at him, Heeseung leans in to seal his promise with a kiss, his lips meeting yours softly.Â
You flinch when the door opens and Heeseung chuckles against your lips, but he doesnât stop kissing you. Over his head, you see Sunghoon standing in the doorway, hair dripping water on the floor with a towel wrapped around his hips.Â
Sunghoon sighs, loud and dramatic, his head falling back. âI specifically said no funny business,â he mutters. âQuit looking at me.â He comes into the room and lifts the duvet over your heads.Â
Under the covers, Heeseung pulls away, poking his head out and laughing. âWeâre just kissing.â
âYeah, with your shirt off. Why is your shirt off?â
âShe wanted to wearââ
Sunghoon cuts him off with a gasp, pulling the duvet back. âWait, why are you kissing?â
âI canât kiss my girlfriend?âÂ
The word makes your cheeks burn and you hide your face in Heeseungâs chest. His lips find the top of your head, kissing you as he wraps his arms around you.Â
Sunghoon groans at the sight. âI havenât missed this at all,â he says. âWho else knows?â
âJust you so far.â
You can hear Sunghoon grinning when he drops the duvet back over your heads and shuffles around the room, getting ready for skating. Heeseung calls you cute and holds you closer. âIâve missed you so much, missed this,â he mumbles into your hair. âI love you.â
Dating Heeseung again is better than anything you could have imagined, even if it has only been two weeks. Heâs everything youâve ever wanted and more, and even the simple things he does make you smile so hard your face aches. Like when he picks up snacks for you after class or sends you pictures of sweet things he wrote about you in his old diary. Chaewon and Yunjin comment that you seem happier, that youâre glowing, and you canât help the giggles that always escape and the flush that burns your cheeks when you mention your boyfriend, Heeseung.
Even under the pressure of taking on a group project by yourself, you find yourself fighting a grin in the library just thinking about him. Your class finished an hour ago and youâre doing research in the computer lab while waiting for him so you can go back home together. With a crease in your brow, you try to make sense of conflicting articles on the origin of the Great Pyramid of Giza, happy when your phone lights up with a text.Â
hee: we should go on a date tonight !!! how does the fair sound?Â
you: sounds good :DÂ
hee: â¤ď¸
As if sensing that plans have been made without him, Sunghoon sends a message to the group chat asking who wants to go to the Spring Fair in the city centre tonight.Â
you: hee and i are alr going :/
sunghoon: awesome i can meet u at heeâs in a few hours?
You really canât find the heart to tell Sunghoon itâs a date so you decide not to say anything, only feeling worse when Jay replies.Â
jay: sounds good :DÂ
hee: itâs a date dumbass, youâre not invited.
sunghoon: ok.. i can still go
jake: time?
With your date set and whatever else the boys are planning in the group chat, you manage to finish up your work in time for Heeseung to show up with a grin on his face as you pack up your notebook. Excitement stirs in your stomach when he locks his fingers with yours and youâve never looked forward to the sticky heat of a night in spring as much as you are right now.Â
âHow was class?â you ask, squeezing his hand.Â
Heeseung grins at you, swinging your hands between your bodies as you weave through tables to leave the library. âTurns out I focus really well when youâre not sitting with me.âÂ
âOh, really?â
âMm.â He nods, biting his lip.Â
âI can sit with other people if itâll help you focus.âÂ
âNo!â he whines, loud enough to draw side eyes from the students around you before the tips of his ears burn red and he pulls you out of the library at lightspeed.Â
When you reach his flat, Jayâs sitting on the couch grinning at something on his phone, so distracted he doesnât even realise youâve arrived until you sit down next to him. Heâs got a lot to say about his mock trial and tells you everything, all while youâre cuddled up to Heeseung, with your head on his shoulder.Â
You blink and the sunâs gone down, Jay isnât around anymore and Heeseungâs arms are around your waist, holding you close. âHey,â he says when you stir. âThe boys left already, you just looked so cute sleeping that I didnât want to wake you.âÂ
Thereâs a wet patch on his sweater where your mouth was that you try to wipe away. It doesnât budge. And a burning flush attacks your cheeks and neck when Heeseung uses his thumb to wipe some of the drool by your mouth. âSo cute.â He chuckles. âShould we get going?âÂ
You spend the whole journey to the city centre with your hand in Heeseungâs, trying to fight the butterflies in your stomach every time he smiles at you. Itâs weird. To have been with him for so long, yet still feel giddy when he looks at you. This is new though, you suppose, to live away from home and see him whenever you want. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder and you canât help the grin on your face at the thought of spending infinite nights like this, with him.Â
The Spring Fair is alive with laughter and squeals of delight that you can hear from around the corner. Winking lights spill onto the pavement in rapid succession, somehow showing the whole spectrum at once. Heeseung is bursting with excitement, running down the street with you in tow, desperately trying to keep up with his stride and regulate your breathing. His eyes are huge when you reach the gates, scanning the area for the churros heâs been talking about for the entire walk and he gasps when he sees the stall, pulling you along with him. You have to weave through the crowd, dipping and dodging tired locals and excited tourists as you call out apologies to everyone Heeseung bumps into. The first night is always packed like this, so full itâs hard to believe the fair runs for six whole weeks.Â
You share a heart-shaped churro and pose for the photos he wants to take, your heart swelling with affection as you pretend to be embarrassed when he buys matching character headbands for you both. Two years ago, Heeseung wouldâve told you that headbands arenât a good use of your money and bought them anyway, but today, he spent fifteen minutes trying on and taking photos with each character before finding the perfect pair. You canât help but grin as he puts the headband on for you, a sense of excitement blooming inside you, so great itâs overwhelming.
Heeseung buys a blue raspberry slushy in an obnoxiously large reusable cup with two straws, and as he clutches his head with each brain freeze, chuckles pour out of you, only increasing when he pouts.Â
At every opportunity, the two of you take selfies, and the grin on his face in each one warms your heart. He posts his favourite to his story, showing you all the compliments heâs getting in his DMs, all aimed at you. He seems so proud and excited to be with you, and butterflies go mad in your stomach as he reads some of them out to you, agreeing with and adding to the messages.
âYouâre so beautiful, baby. I think I might delete the picture,â he says, frowning as the story replies pour in.Â
The look on his face makes you laugh, struggling to talk but trying anyway. âBut I love it.âÂ
Heeseung puts his phone away, wrapping his arm around your shoulders. âI love you,â he says, using his free hand to tip your chin towards him. He grins when you say it back, tracing his thumb along your jaw. An odd stillness hits you, in the midst of vibrant chaos. Flashes of multi-coloured LEDs dance in orange and purple strobes over his face and your breath hitches in your throat. His eyes are pretty and wide, flicking from your eyes to your mouth a few times as a flame starts to burn in your stomach, low and scorching.Â
âI love you,â you repeat, tip-toeing to close the gap.Â
You kiss him, slow and sweet to savour the sugary taste on his lips as they move against yours. His tongue slips into your mouth, deepening the kiss and the taste of syrupy artificial fruit, leaving you craving more, craving him. A pop goes out in the air and you flinch in Heeseungâs arms. He chuckles against your lips before he pulls away, looking up. Trails of pink and gold paint the sky above, vibrant sparks spreading everywhere as a few more go off. If you werenât so busy trying to catch your breath, you might appreciate their beauty, but you are and the next pop only startles you too.Â
Heeseung looks down at you, his slightly swollen lips curving into a grin. âHow are you so cute?â he coos. âAnd donât most people want fireworks to go off when they kiss someone?âÂ
âItâs probably a sensation thing, Heeseung.â You know itâs a sensation thing. The first time he kissed you, it felt like you were floating on air, as if Sunghoonâs basement, cold and dark, was the most romantic place on Earth. You were sweaty and nervous, sitting cross-legged on the floor next to Heeseung while the boys were sleeping. He was the one to lean in and he kissed the tip of your nose by accident.
âYeah, yeah,â he mutters. âCome here.â His voice is so deep and raspy that it spurs the flame on, burning higher, hotter, until itâs the only thing you can think about. His hand finds your jaw again, pulling you towards him to kiss you. Of course, you canât resist; heâs Heeseung.Â
The kiss is rife with neediness, whether from you or Heeseung you canât tell, but youâre tugging at his hair and heâs clutching at your t-shirt, both of you struggling to get enough of the other. You nip at his bottom lip with your teeth and a heady sigh falls from his mouth into yours, brewing a storm in your mind, a thick fog obscuring everything but thoughts of him.
At the sound of a forced throat clearing, you break away from Heeseung, seeing an elderly lady with a steaming cup in her hand and a disgruntled look on her face. She extends an arm, gesturing behind you. When you follow the direction of her hand, you see a bench that youâre standing right in front of. Heeseung grabs your hand, mumbling an apology and tugging you as far away as possible. You struggle to stifle a laugh at the redness of his ears against his hair.Â
A huge ride swings and spins into the air, catching your attention, though Heeseung seems to be more interested in the way Jake stands by the entrance with a scowl on his face. Jake waves you over when he sees you, grinning and hugging you both like itâs been years since he saw you.Â
âJay and Hoon are..â he trails off, using his arm to vaguely gesture towards the sky.Â
âMan,â Heeseung whispers, pointing a reverent finger to the sky, âR.I.P.âÂ
Countless fireworks shoot up noisily, painting the dark sky, and Heeseungâs arms fall heavily around your shoulders, his body warm against your back. If not for the way Jakeâs flinching next to you, covering his ears with his hands and ducking slightly at the bang of each one, it might feel like the two of you are alone in the moment. Alone despite the chatter, the laughter and squeals. Just you and Heeseung.Â
And Jake.Â
Heeseung is amazing at fair games, especially the ring toss. But a tired-looking man in a business suit wins the Hello Kitty plush youâd been eyeing for the snotty toddler wrapped around his leg, so you settle for the Kuromi plush instead. Heeseung says itâs cuter. You agree.Â
His voice is soft when he asks, âMaybe we can go on the Ferris wheel later?â This is a far cry from the boy of sixteen who fainted at an amusement park just from seeing the drop on the biggest ride there. When you look up at him, his eyes are wide, boring into you, holding the stars in his pupils with a grin across his blue-stained lips, and how could you say no to that face?Â
The platform by the Ferris wheel is sticky under your shoes, making you cringe with every step you take towards the front of the line. Heeseungâs grip on your hand is tighter than you think itâs ever been when he realises that youâre next to get on. This might be the most scared youâve ever seen him, your poor boyfriend with his overpriced Kuromi headband shivering beside you.Â
You frown at the sight, reaching up to kiss his cheek. âWe donât have to do this, Hee,â you say.
He tries to play it cool, shrugging with a nonchalance that doesnât match the fear in his eyes. âI want to,â he assures, though his voice lacks conviction.Â
âAre you sure?â The way he flinches when the ride operator opens the gate gives you his answer, but Heeseung is firm in his words as he pulls you towards the cart, despite wincing when the operator locks you in. âBaby,â you whisper, touching his cheek. âItâs not too late to get out.âÂ
In what appears to be a display of his bravery, he makes a show of rocking the carriage â only to be told off by the operator (who canât be older than sixteen) â and cheering (with no conviction) about nothing in particular. You canât help but laugh, the cart shaking slightly as you let your head fall back and you only laugh harder when Heeseung gasps because of it.Â
He flinches again when the ride starts moving, an unsettling creak sending you forward just enough to allow the next victims â according to Heeseung â to get on the ride. When the last of them board, the wheel sets off in a slow spin and he spends the entire first rotation with his eyes clamped shut, only opening them after a while when he thinks the ride is over.Â
The wheel creaks more than what you think is necessary and he only grows more and more outwardly uncomfortable, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth and gripping the safety bar above your laps until his knuckles turn white.Â
âWould it make you feel better if I held your hand?â you coo, holding your left hand out to him.Â
He rolls his eyes but takes your hand in his, holding it between his palms. Seemingly at ease, Heeseung shifts slightly in his seat to close the tiny gap between you, pressing his knee into yours.Â
Even in the distance, the fairâs LED lights are beautiful, melting away into flashing bokeh before your eyes as the carriage inches higher and higher. You almost forget your company, leaning over the edge to get a better look, only for Heeseung to put his arm on your arm, mumbling, âStop it.âÂ
His skin is warm despite the slight chill that comes with your increasing altitude, and you wish the carriage was smallerâcramped even, forcing the two of you together so tightly that you have no choice but to become one. You sit in the quiet of the night, excitement on the fairground growing quieter as the wheel spins, agonisingly slow, until eventually itâs just the two of youâyou and Heeseung: the only people in the moment.Â
The only people in the world.
âWhy are we even on this thing?â you whisper, squeezing his hand.Â
Heeseung shrugs his shoulders as gently as he can manage so as not to rock the carriage. His eyes are big when he looks at you, holding your gaze intently. âI wanted to be romantic.âÂ
Oh, Heeseung, you think, pressing your lips into a frown. Heâs the sweetest person in the world and just the thought of it makes your stomach flutter. âYouâre plenty romantic,â you say sincerely.Â
He scoffs. âYeah, because pretending you didnât exist for a year is romantic.âÂ
âYes! Very!â You chuckle, nodding your head.Â
Again, he rolls his eyes at you but he uses his hand to hold your face, pulling you in. His kiss tastes like candy floss and the blue raspberry slushy you shared earlier, lips soft, relaxed against your own. Your hand reaches for his thigh, meeting instead with the squished plushy between your bodies and you canât help but laugh.Â
With your presentation out of the way, you and the guys are all sitting in Heeseung and Jayâs living room for the first night of Spring break. Youâve just about reached your limit, cuddling into Heeseungâs side with your eyes closed, sleepily listening to the conversation. Itâs unintelligible, more laughter and wheezes than anything else.Â
You shift your way into Heeseungâs lap after a while, moving around to get comfortable. It only takes two movements for him to grab you by the waist, holding you still. You try again, and his lips catch the shell of your ear. âRelax, baby. Whatâs up?â
âNothing,â you admit, moving around again until he sighs, relieved, you think. A wicked grin spreads over your lips when you feel him getting hard, grinding down on him a little and liking the warmth that spreads in your stomach from having him pressed against you.Â
âStop it,â he whispers, kissing the spot behind your ear.Â
You heed the warning but canât help the thoughts filling your mind, though you try to ignore them, laughing at something Sunghoon said about Jakeâs ugly hat and shoes. Jake doesnât find it as funny as the rest of you seem to.
Another hour passes by in the same way before the boys stumble into Jayâs room, calling out a slurred goodnight to you and Heeseung on the couch. You stand up first, holding out a hand for him to take and giggling when he presses a kiss to the back of it.Â
In his room, he stares at a spot on the wall as you close the door, a contemplative look on his face. âAre you okay?â you ask, but he doesnât look at you, only nodding his head with a crease along his brow.Â
You kiss him, a featherlight touch of your lips against his. Itâs soft for a while, sweet and sincere until he clutches your shirt like his life depends on it. Heeseungâs hands are all over you, stroking and squeezing every part of you he can reach. Overwhelming heat burns your skin under his touch. He inhales sharply through his nose when you reach for his waistband, tugging the drawstring free but he grabs your wrist, stopping you. He keeps kissing you, keeps trying and frowns when you pull away.Â
âYou donât want this?âÂ
He tilts his head, looking down at you with concern flooding his wide eyes. âDo you think weâre going too fast?â His voice is quiet and he chews on his lip after speaking.Â
âWeâve been together for six years.âÂ
âA month,â he corrects, looking at his feet.
As badly as you want him, you donât want him doing anything heâs not ready for, so you wiggle your arm free from his grip, dropping it at your side. He lifts his head to look at you, brows knitted together, the sweetest thing youâve ever seen. âI donât want to rush you.â
âItâs not that.â He shakes his head with wide eyes. âI just donât want us doing anything youâll regret.â
âIâm not going to regret this, I donât regret anything weâve done, Heeseung,â you say, holding his face in your hands.Â
He closes his eyes, nodding.Â
âDo you want to stop?âÂ
âNever,â he whispers and the word has you falling to your knees.Â
Itâs hard to see his exact expression in only the dim glow of the streetlights outside, but you can clearly see the way heâs watching you. The way his eyes are lidded as he chews on his bottom lip, watching you reach for the buckle on his belt. Heeseung threads his fingers through your hair, groaning, and for a few seconds, youâre hypnotised. Too wrapped up in tipsiness and lust to move your fingers, completely focused on the way his breath starts to pick up before youâve even done anything. Youâre starting to think it might be enough for him just to see you like this, on your knees for him, wide-eyed and eager.Â
Whether on purpose or not, Heeseung tugs on your hair gently, pulling you from your trance. His blunt fingernails scratch at the back of your head as you undo his belt, tugging his jeans down. He steps out of them as soon as he can, smiling when you toss them behind you. Too worked up to wait, you push your face against him. You take a minute to hold his covered cock between your lips, shuddering at the feeling of the damp spot at the top of it. Heeseung grunts, bucking his hips. He looks like sin when you lock eyes with him, licking a strip to the top of his waistband, sucking and nipping at the skin and coarse hair there.Â
âQuit teasing,â he says, still keeping control of his voice.Â
You blink up at him sweetly, shaking your head. âIâm not,â you mumble, pulling his underwear down.Â
Heeseungâs dick smacks his stomach with a wet sound that makes you clench around nothing, and you sit back on your heels to admire him. Maybe itâs from time, or your unbearable desire, but he looks bigger, thicker, and much prettier than you remember. When you finally drag your eyes from his dick, you notice a mark on his hip, right above where his thigh starts. Itâs a smudge of something dark, inky almost. You furrow your brows, licking the pad of your thumb to try and get rid of it. He practically flinches when you touch it, moving away from you. The increased distance between you and the low lighting only further obscures itâwhen you rub at the mark it doesnât budge.Â
âWhat is this?âÂ
âItâs nothing,â he says, sitting down on the bed and covering it with his hand.Â
If it was anyone other than Heeseung, you might have thought it was a tattoo, but you canât make sense of the thought so it slips your mind as soon as it occurs. You reach for the lamp on his bedside table, flicking it on, losing your breath at the sight of his skin glowing golden in the light, and the tip of his cock is a tempting, glossy red. You canât help but take him in your hand, stroking him slowly.Â
âTell me, baby.âÂ
âItâs a bruise,â he manages through a gasp, licking his lips.
Your thumb swipes over his slit and he crumbles. âHeeseung.âÂ
âButterfly, itâs a butterfly.âÂ
A fuzzy warmth starts to bloom in your chest, overwhelming you. âLay down,â you say, voice as soft as itâs ever been.Â
Heeseung obliges, linking his fingers with yours when you move his hand from his thigh. Under the light, you can see it clearly, dark strokes of ink forming a pretty butterfly, tiny, and heart-achingly familiar.Â
âIs it..â You trail off, moving your lips around words that you canât get out as tears sting your eyes. âDid I draw this?â Leaning over him, you get as close as you can, using your finger to trace the shape.Â
Sitting up on his elbows, he looks down at you with a worried look on his face as he nods. âDo you hate it?âÂ
âI love it.. itâs perfect.â You let go of his hand, using the back of your fingers to wipe at your eyes.Â
Heeseung sits up, letting his hand cup your cheek and looking at you. He uses his thumb to wipe some of the tears you missed before leaning down and kissing you. His lips move slowly with yours, heâs being gentle, so gentle that you hear your heart thudding in your ears.Â
âCome sit,â he mumbles against your mouth, helping you up and guiding you into his lap, a whine falling out of him when you sit on his cock and you mumble an apology that you donât mean.
âWhen did.. Why did you..â
His shoulders rise and fall in a shrug. âMy first birthday I spent without you. I just wanted to have something for you.â
Youâve seen it and youâve heard it from him, but you still canât make sense of it. âBut youâre.. youâre Heeseung. Youâd never get a tattoo, you told me that.âÂ
âIâll probably never get another tattoo, it hurt like hell,â he says, frowning.Â
âYouâre such a sweetheart.â You cradle his face in your hands, gazing into his eyes, your sweet Heeseung. So different yet so incredibly similar. âYouâre, like, obsessed with me.â
Thereâs a loud adoration in his eyes that makes your stomach turn. âHow could I not be?â His smile is wide even though his lips are smushed a little by the way youâre holding his face.Â
Heeseung tilts his chin towards you so you kiss him, the two of you passing moans and whines between your mouths as you grind on him, his hands gripping your waist under your shirt. He shudders under you, rutting his hips against yours with a groan. Heâs harder than ever underneath you, his cock hot between your thighs, pressed up against your core in the most maddening way. It canât be comfortable for him, the friction from your underwear but he seems like heâs enjoying it just as much as you, maybe more, you think, when he starts throbbing.Â
Conscious of the boys across the hall, you try your best to be quiet, though Heeseung doesnât share your concern, his lips parting too wide to keep kissing you and his head falling back as he lets a whine out into the air. His nails dig into your skin, hips speeding up more than you can keep up with as he trembles, clearly so close to the edge that you moan at the sight of him all fucked out in front of you. You chew on your lip, watching his whole face scrunch up before falling to your shoulder, his cum leaking out all over your panties and the tops of your thighs. A grin covers your lips while your pussy aches from the heat of his release and the feeling of his staggered breath hitting your skin. When he finally sits up, sweat slicks the column of his neck and chest, a nervous look in his eyes that he canât quite bring to meet yours.Â
âThis is jââ Heeseung cuts you off by covering your mouth with his palm.Â
âI remember. You donât have to say it, baby, I remember.âÂ
âYou were so cute that day,â you say when he moves his hand. Butterflies fill your stomach when you think about it, the first time you ever did anything with each other, with anyone. He was fifteen, with cute round glasses perched on the end of his nose and teeth too big for his mouth, finishing in his jeans with you in his lap.
âYou donât think Iâm cute anymore?â he asks, frowning.Â
âYouâre always cute.â
Heeseung grins at your words, so wide and sweet your heart races. He kisses you gently and slips his hand into your underwear, his finger trailing the length of your pussy slowly, groaning into your mouth at how wet you are. You whine into the kiss when he strokes your clit and gasp when he pushes a finger into you easily. Gradually, he adds more fingers, fucking you open on his knuckles and watching as you fall apart.
His lips move from yours, falling to your neck so he can kiss and suck the sensitive skin there. âYou feel so good, baby. My sweet girl,â he mumbles, breath searing your skin. The words make you clench, your stomach fluttering relentlessly as he uses his thumb to press on your clit, the pressure enough to make you spiral. Itâs all too much too fast and before long, youâre squirming and mewling in Heeseungâs arms, finishing all over his fingers.Â
Immediately, an excruciating flush burns every inch of your body as you hide your face in his neck to catch your breath. His arms wrap around you and he whispers sweet nothings into your hair while stroking your back.
Ever since that night in his room, all your senses feel heightened when Heeseung is around.Â
And it doesnât help that you spend every waking moment with him. Whether in his flat or yours, youâre joined at the hip and itâs near impossible not to pounce on him. In your stomach blooms a heat you havenât felt in years. An all-consuming flame that makes you hold your breath when he cuddles you; makes you look away when he strips before showering.
Heâs taken a liking to shirtlessness, only seeming to remember that the garments exist when he has to leave the houseâwhich isnât often now that classes have ended. This sudden cotton allergy plagues you, burning the image of his ever-increasing muscle definition and the tattoo on his hip into your memory, so deeply theyâre the only things you see when you close your eyes at night.Â
Even when Heeseungâs being romantic, cooking dinner for the two of you and almost burning his finger with a match while lighting a candle, youâre thinking about him fucking you. When he goes out with the boys and stumbles into your flat, drunk, with a crushed bouquet in his hands, youâre thinking about what might have happened if youâd gone out too. If heâd finger you in the back of a taxi or take you against the door when you got back.Â
Weeks go by like this until you finally reach your limit.Â
Thereâs nothing overtly sexual about the way Heeseungâs sitting. About the way his lashes kiss his cheeks when he blinks, or the way his hair sits in a sleepy mess on his forehead. But itâs Heeseung. So these things existing on him drive you crazy.Â
Given the lack of privacy in your family homes â by way of an open-door rule when visiting each other â you and Heeseung didnât have many opportunities to have sex that didnât involve being tangled around one another in the backseat of his car. And even those occasions were few and far between.Â
With the only three brain cells that seem to function around your shirtless boyfriend and your head on the doorjamb, you begin to scheme. It doesnât have to be elaborateâjust a way to get Heeseung to fuck you without you having to bring it up.Â
âWhatâs up, baby?â he asks, finally looking over at you. His voice pulls you out of your thoughts, with a raspiness to it that makes your thoughts run wild. From head to toe, his eyes drag over your body, his tongue coming out to run over his lips.Â
Clearly, a very delicate, well-timed conversation is in order and the gears in your mind scrape against each other, turning egregiously as you try to figure out how to start the conversation. âI want you to fuck me,â you blurt out. Not the most delicate approach, but the way Heeseungâs eyes widen suggests you might be on the right track. âI didnât mean to say that,â you admit sheepishly.Â
He chuckles deeply in a way you havenât heard in years. âSo you donât want me to fuck you?â Thereâs a challenge in his question, evident from his raised brow, the setting aside of his phone, and the way he sits up straight. The movement forces the duvet to slip a little, falling from above his belly button to his hips in one fell â effortlessly sexy â swoop.Â
In spite of this, you canât help but roll your eyes at him. How could you be standing there, in nothing but his t-shirt, asking him to fuck you and heâs caught up on semantics? âThatâs not what Iâm saying.âÂ
âWhat are you saying?â When you donât say anything, Heeseung lifts the duvet from his body entirely, grinning when your gaze locks on his hips. His pyjama pants are sitting low enough to show off the waistband of his underwear, and they donât do anything to hide the way his hard cock pushes against them.
Heeseung towers over you, overwhelming you and the space of the doorframe as his mouth quirks up at one corner. âYou want it, baby?â he asks, his voice soft as he cups your face in his hand, using his thumb to trace your lips.Â
His face dips down to yours and you canât resist reaching up to kiss him, whining at the contact as you move your lips in sync with his. The sounds heâs making are dizzying, deep groans you feel in your chest. His hand grips your waist, pulling you as close as possible so you can feel him, hard and thick, pressing against you.Â
You whimper when he pulls away, chasing his kiss, but Heeseung only chuckles. âSay the word and Iâm yours,â he whispers, looking down at you with those big eyes.Â
âIâm not going to beg.âÂ
He smiles sweetly, a soft curve of his lips summoning butterflies. âSuit yourself,â he says, leaning down to press a kiss to the base of your neck and leaving the room.Â
Flustered, you follow him, flinging your arms around his waist and pressing your face into his back. âOkay, Iâm going to beg.â
âIâm listening.âÂ
âI need you,â you mumble into his skin.Â
âYou have me.âÂ
Even though his words and the way his lips audibly split into a grin make your heart race, you canât help your frustration. âHeeseung,â you say, pleading with him.Â
He frees himself from your grip, turning around. When you look up at him, heâs watching you closely through lidded eyes, his lips parted in a soft pout that makes your heart melt. His arms wrapped around your shoulders, holding you close enough to feel him pressing against you. âIâm all yours, baby. Whatâs up?â
âWhy are you torturing me?â
This makes him smile as he shakes his head. âIâm not.âÂ
âPlease.â
He brings a hand up to your face, his thumb stroking your cheek and you canât help but nuzzle into his palm. âPlease what?âÂ
âYou know what I need and I canât go any longer without it,â you mumble into his hand. Heeseung only raises a brow and you sigh. Somehow, your want for him is greater than your embarrassment so you sigh, looking him in the eye. âIf you want to, please, please, fuck me, Heeseung. Any way you want, baby, just promise me youâll do it. I need it, need you.âÂ
A shit-eating grin takes over his face as he leans down to press a kiss to your forehead. âWas that so hard?â he asks, frowning when you donât reply. âDonât get all moody, baby, talk to me.âÂ
Heeseung picks you up, holding you close as you wrap your legs around his waist. Both of his hands are spread over your ass and youâre too embarrassed to say anything, chewing your lip and staring at the little mole on his forehead.Â
âNeed me to fuck you âtil you can talk again?â Thereâs a roughness to his voice that makes your cheeks flush, but you canât help but laugh, head falling back in a fit of cackles.Â
âWhat are you talking about?âÂ
His pretty lips come together in a pout before he speaks. âI donât know.â He shrugs, the tips of his ears burning red as he carries you to his room, using his foot to close the door behind him. âIâm rusty.â
You shake your head before kissing his forehead. âYouâre perfect.â
Heeseung sets you down on the bed gently, crawling over you. âI like seeing you in my shirts,â he says, clutching the fabric in his fists, tugging a little.Â
âSomeone has to wear them.â
A breathy laugh falls from his lips. âWhat?â He tilts his head, leaning away from you to sit back on his heels. âYou donât like seeing me like this?âÂ
Itâs hard to find a balance between missing his warmth and looking at his body. Staring at the definition that marks his chest and stomach and the way his muscles stick out over his biceps, you can feel yourself leaking at the sight of him. Your eyes catch on his waistband, on the strip of hair thatâs cut off by the start of the fabric before falling to the bulge in his pants.Â
âYouâre looking at me like Iâm your next meal,â he mumbles, leaning back over you with a deep flush on his cheeks and neck.
âI think I want you to be.âÂ
âYou think?â
You nod eagerly, anticipation swirling in your stomach.Â
âAnything I can do to make you certain?â Heeseungâs voice is thick with something you think could be enough to make you finish.Â
âWhatever you want,â you say, desperate.Â
He chews on his lip, considering you for a while before kissing your cheek. Once more, he sits up, tugging at your waist. âFirst, I want this shirt out of my way,â he says with a smile.Â
Immediately, you lean off the bed to let him take it off, tossing it behind him. âAnything else?âÂ
Heeseungâs too busy staring to speak, taking you in hungrily with a jarring combination of lust and adoration behind his eyes. You thought youâd feel shy about him seeing you after so long, but youâve never felt more comfortable in your life as he reaches down to lock his fingers with yours. He brings your hand up to his mouth, kissing the back of it. âYouâre so pretty,â he says against your skin.Â
Thereâs no stopping the flutter in your stomach or the smile that spreads over your lips. You tell him you love him and he says it back as he leans back down to kiss you slowly, his tongue licking into your mouth at an agonising pace, a line of saliva connecting you to him when he pulls away.Â
âI want to get my head between your legs,â he mumbles, letting his hand dip between your spread thighs. âSo wet already?â he asks, dragging your slick up to your clit, rubbing it with a featherlight touch that leaves a whine slipping from your lips. âWill you let me?âÂ
You nod.Â
Heeseung smiles and you match it before he dips his head into the crook of your neck, kissing the skin there for a minute. His breath and wet mouth are hot, burning a trail down to your collarbone and chest, where he gets distracted, pulling one of your nipples between his lips.
Your stomach twists at the sight of him, his pretty, pouty lips sucking and biting at your sensitive skin, the way heâs moaning against you, using his thick fingers to tug and pinch your other breast. It takes him a while to move on but you donât complain, even when he presses tickly kisses to your stomach.Â
When he reaches your legs, he gets off the bed, kneels on the floor and hooks his arms around your thighs to pull you towards him. You feel exposed when he uses his thumbs to spread you, staring at your pussy with wide eyes, his lips parted a little until his head falls back with a groan.Â
âMissed this pussy. Been thinking about it so much, all the time. So beautiful, baby.â He manages to drag his gaze from between your legs to lock eyes with you. âYouâre so beautiful, baby.â His lips touch your thighs, kissing the soft skin there, sucking marks into it and biting softly. The sting is subtle but it makes you clench, a movement that isnât lost on him. âYouâre so needy, huh? You want me that bad?â he asks, looking up with a tilted head.Â
You mumble the word ânoâ and shake your head. âNeed you.â The words come out of their own accord, nothing more than a desperate whine that makes Heeseung press his eyes shut. You watch as he shifts on the floor, leaning in and giving you the attention you deserve.Â
Heeseungâs nose grazes your slit and you gasp at the sudden contact, flinging your head back into the pillows when he licks a strip from there to your clit, giving it a quick peck.Â
You card your fingers through his hair, gripping at the strands so hard it must hurt, but he doesnât seem to mind, going slow despite the way youâre trying to rut against his face. He kisses the spot above your clit, his tongue poking out to lick at the skin there, only hitting the bud a few times and the anticipation is enough to make you spiral.Â
Time stands still, all concept of it demolished when, finally, he wraps his lips around your swollen clit, running his tongue over it with a pressure that leaves you shaking against the sheets. Moans pour out of you like water from a faucet with nothing but pleasure and Heeseungâs sweet mouth crossing your mind.Â
It doesnât seem like heâs ever going to stop, only coming up for air for a brief moment before sticking a finger into you and attaching his mouth to your clit, burying himself in your wetness. The stretch is minimal, barely registering in the waves of pleasure crashing over you, until he adds a second finger, thick and rigid as he works you open for him. By the time his third finger enters, you have to pull him away by his hair, struggling to find the words to say and settling on a whiny cry of his name.
âHmm?â He looks up at you, face covered in slick that shines on his chin and nose, shoulders rising and falling heavily, but his fingers donât let up, curling towards your belly button torturously slow.
âWant to cum with you inside.â
Heeseungâs eyes darken and he licks his lips. âYeah?âÂ
âUh-huh, and I donât want you using a condom either, want you to fill me up.â
âAre you sure?âÂ
You nod. âIâm still on the pill and youâre the only person Iâve ever been with.â
Heeseung wastes no time standing up from the floor, watching hungrily as you sigh at the emptiness, moving up on the bed. He uses his fist to pump his cock slowly, sighing when he drags his thumb over his tip. A beat passes before he grins, boyish and handsome while crawling over you again. His face softens and his eyes burn into yours as he cups your cheek in his palm. âYou sure about this?âÂ
âIâm sure, Heeseung, youâre all I want,â you whisper, pecking his lips.Â
âMe too.âÂ
He uses his free hand to reach for his cock, rubbing his tip over your clit and chewing on his lip. He lets his cock split your folds, grinding his length against you, rubbing your cunt with a wet sound that fills the room. Heeseung straightens up and you moan when he spits into his palm, stroking himself before pressing the head of his cock to your entrance. You hold your breath, bracing for the stretch and crying out when he pushes in. His head falls forward with a sigh, his hair tickling your forehead.
âI missed you,â he groans when he bottoms out, his thumb running over your lips. A moan slips out of him when you open your mouth, running your thumb over the pad of his finger and sucking on it. âMissed these pretty lips, this pussy. Donât know how I got on without it.â His words and the feeling of him inside after so long only make you dizzy, knowing that he wanted you like you wanted him. He watches you with parted lips, rocking his hips tenderly against yours.Â
âFaster, Hee,â you whisper. âHarder.âÂ
Heeseungâs brows knit together and he slows to a pace that lets you feel single vein and inch of him as he bottoms out before pulling almost all the way out. âCan you take it?â he asks, a jarring tone to his voice that you think is a challenge.Â
You nod desperately. âPlease.âÂ
The word flips a switch for him and he speeds up, thrusting so hard, so deep that your back arches off the bed as his tip nudges your g-spot each time. Just when it all starts to feel too much, Heeseung lifts one of your legs, hitting deeper than he has before and tangling up a knot in your stomach.Â
âYouâre so good, baby, so good for me.â His eyes are dark and lidded, full of all the love in the world as he gazes into yours, a tangible love that overwhelms you, eating you alive along with his praise.
Sweltering heat stretches through every part of your body at the drag of him inside, the push and pull of his cock along your stuttering walls. Itâs enough to make you shiver and a cry of his name rips out of you when he starts rubbing your clit again, pushing the bud in slow circles that make you screw your eyes shut.Â
âThatâs it. Cum for me, baby, make a mess,â he whispers and thatâs as much as you can take.Â
Stars flash behind your closed eyes as every single part of your body sets alight, dazed by Heeseungâs whines and the feeling of being full, finally being full, until both ends of the knot tug and tug, leaving you with nothing but a hoarse moan that dies in your throat as your orgasm hits you like a truck.Â
A lewd squelch accompanies each of his thrusts as they get sloppier and sloppier, losing their rhythm and intensity. It seems like heâs right there with you though when he collapses on top of you, his head falling into the crook of your neck and his moans slipping out like music to your ears.
Itâs hard not to fall apart under him, but you try your best, dragging your nails over the toned muscles of his back while telling him you love him over and over until he finishes. Both of you are trembling, fighting for breath and whining as Heeseung sloppily fucks you full of his cum. The sound is downright pornographic, loud and wet as your cum mixes with his for the first time in so long. An inexplicable intimacy so thick it hangs in the air, perching on your shoulders as he looks into your eyes.Â
Heeseung slows down after a while, stopping completely but not pulling out yet, keeping you full and aching around him. When he catches his breath, he gives you a dreamy smile, thanking you before pressing soft kisses to every part of your face he can reach.Â
You whine when he pulls out, missing him as soon as heâs gone. Despite your sensitivity, you want to beg him to come back, to slip back into you and stay forever, though Heeseung has other plans. He sits between your legs, dragging a lazy finger up your slit and watching with a smile as cum leaks out. You squirm against the sheets, pushing your head into the pillow when he uses two fingers to push it back in.
âWish I could keep you full like this forever,â he mumbles absently, curling his fingers.Â
All you can do is sigh happily. Long minutes go by until he takes his fingers out of you, reaching behind him for his shirt to wipe you up before leaning down to your face, mumbling against your lips to come and shower with him.
Youâve never showered with Heeseung before and a voice in your head tells you to press your cheek against the tile and let him have you again, but youâre way too sleepy for that. The warmth of the water and his big hands roaming your body do nothing to help, only forcing your eyes to fall shut as you lean back against Heeseungâs chest, willing yourself to stay awake.Â
Once youâre all showered and clean, you only feel sleepier, standing on the plush bath mat in front of the steamed-up mirror. Droplets of water trickle down your skin and you canât help but revel in the warmth of the room around you. Wrapped snugly in a soft, fluffy towel, you find yourself too tired to follow Heeseung out, slathering some of the expensive moisturiser Jay keeps in the bathroom over your skin. You peer into the mirror, though you donât see much, and for a moment, itâs just you and the steady trickle of water from the showerhead. The bathroom smells like Heeseungâs minty shower gel and you miss him already, but you take your time anyway, savouring the moment and everything that came before it.Â
You find him in his room when youâre done, tucking the last corner of a fitted sheet around his mattress.Â
âYou want to nap, baby?â he asks when he sees you, holding out a clean shirt for you to wear.Â
âMm,â you hum, nodding your head and dropping the towel so he can put the shirt over your head.Â
âLet me just fix the pillowcases, yeah?âÂ
You nod, slumping into his desk chair and watching the muscles in his back shift and flex as he moves around the room, dumping the dirty bedding into his laundry basket and slipping the clean linen over his pillows. He pulls the duvet back and pats the mattress, grinning when you shake your head and make grabby hands in his direction,Â
Heeseung stretches his arms above his head and comes over to you but you stop him before he can pick you up.Â
âIâm going grocery shopping with Yunjin later and I need a pound for the trolley, do you have any?â you ask through a yawn.Â
He scratches his chin, thinking about it. âIf I do, theyâre in my wallet,â he says, reaching for it on the desk and handing it to you before taking a seat on the end of his bed.Â
When you pull on the zipper to open the coin slot, you find a shiny pound coin and a folded piece of lined paper. You leave the coin where it is and hold the paper between two fingers for him to see. âWhatâs this?âÂ
Immediately, he hides his face with his hands but you can still see the flush on his ears. Youâre not sure what reaction you were expecting, but despite your curiosity, you wonât look at it if he doesnât want you to. âSorry, baby,â you say, putting it back. âForget I asked.âÂ
Heeseung sighs, looking up at you through the gaps in his fingers. âYou can look if you want, itâs nothing bad, just mildly humiliating.âÂ
Nervous anticipation settles over your body and you canât help but laugh a little, feeling your breath catch in your throat when you unfold the crumpled and creased paper. Itâs blank. You arch a curious brow at Heeseung, who, though still slightly embarrassed, gestures for you to turn it over.Â
What meets your eyes on the other side leaves you stunned. There, inked in blue with delicate care yet bearing the natural imperfections of a hand-drawn butterfly, was a familiar image. Itâs the very same butterfly you drew in your notebook on a spring date with him four years ago. Your fingers tremble as you trace the lines, your heart racing as you remember how heâd torn it from the page, eyes full of appreciation for the simple drawing.Â
Tears well up in your eyes when it dawns on you. Itâs the very same butterfly he has tattooed on his hip, a permanent reminder of your love that endured separation and time.Â
Your voice is weak as you look up at him, quivering with emotion. âYou kept it after all these years,â you whisper.
Heeseung smiles, his eyes full of love. âI never let go of what matters to me.âÂ
Š zreamy (2023), all rights reserved. do not repost, translate, or plagiarise my work. do let my know your thoughts !
permanent taglist: @asahicore
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Tidal Wave
part one | part two
pairing: loâak x fem!human!reader
genre: angst, more angst, comfort (from tsireya to loâak + from spider to reader + from kiri to reader), & fluff (at the very end)
word count: 14.4k+ (holy fuck)
warning(s): suggestive content, crying, yelling, familial arguments, secrets are spilled (đŹ), neytiri + loâak arguing, mentions of violence + self inflicted injury (reader rubs skin raw), mention of incident at taâunui clan, slightest loâak x tsireya, reader having self-deprecating thoughts, loâak being lovesick for reader, mention of loâak being sad, major character death, sprinkle of miscommunication / misinterpretation of actions, blood, slightest spider x reader, kiri + reader are bffs!, heartbreak?, cursing, & mentions of having little appetite
taglist: @bewbz2110 @httpjiikook @aonungsmate @cheyehc @ihave500hubbiez @heart-an0n @omnifanfic @toomuchtime02 @bigdikzaddy @anxietydrogz @myh3artttt @ancientbeing10 @yourusername1 @dearstell @goodiesinthecloset21 @iwannahaveaprettyaesthetic @thatonegirlwiththebeanie367 @arminsgfloll @optimisticblazetrash @liyahsocorro @universal-s1ut @amortencjja @sweetirilly @blushhpeachh @alohastitch0626 @btsiguess-kpop @ithinkimaslutforharry @zootymcnooty @zeeader @reallysparklychaos @zeida @coffeehurricanes @manumanulau @pumpararapam @ipang @willowcxmilee @audigay @sagaonpandora
word bank: saânok â mother, sempul â father, eywa / great mother â goddess deity that the naâvi believe in, tawtute â human; sky person, ikran â four winged creature used for hunting + flying, kehe â no, palulukan â thanator, sĂŹlpeytsyĂŹp â little hope (idk if itâs an accurate translation since i just put the words hope + little together), tulkun â whale like creatures, ilu â sea creature used for hunting + riding, yawne â beloved, & nga yawne lu oer â i love you
songs that i drew inspo from: a match into water by pierce the veil, gilded lily (sped up version) by cults, mr. forgettable by david kushner, & reflections by the neighbourhood
note: huge shoutout to @neteyamslovrr for helping me proofread this! ilysm baby đđŤśđźđ¤ mentions of readers birthday takes place around 3-4 months after her & spider were kidnapped (so reader, kiri, spider, & loâak are aged up to 17-18). i imagined the events of atwow happening over a couple of months due to the fact that ronal is more visibly pregnant towards the end than when we first see her. so, just for clarification :)
Loâak had begged his parents the morning after to save you.
He pleaded and begged, getting on his knees as he sobbed into his Saânokâs thigh, covering it in his warm tears and snot. But, Jakeâs answer stayed persistent: âThey are strong kids, son. They will be alright,â. Of course, Jake wasnât aware that Loâak and his other siblings heard what he had to say about you and Spider the night before during he and Neytiriâs heated discussion.
( âThe kids know everything! They know where we live! Spider knows our whole operation. We are not safe as long as they have those two. They both can lead him right here! We are no longer safe staying here.â )
Loâak knew that neither you or Spider would ever give up the location of High Camp or of the Sully family. The both of you were loyal to a fault. Perhaps too loyal for your own good. It hurt to hear that his own Sempul would ever think that you would betray the family you grew to think of as your own. Loâak knew you better than anyone else.
Having to leave the Omatikaya and not even attempt to save you made Loâak resent his parents, his heart completely breaking into two as he got farther and farther from his home and essentially you. It was days before he had spoken to his parents after arriving at Awaâatlu, but it wasnât like his parents sought out to speak to him either.
The more time he spent on the island, the more time he found himself yearning to have you by his side. To experience all of this with you. There was a constant hole in his chest that never left, deepening every time he thought of you. He had no way of knowing if you were being tortured at the current moment or even alive. He didnât trust the RDA to keep you alive, especially once they saw how loyal you were to Jake and his family, disposing of you like you were nothing. You are everything to Loâak and it pained him to not know how you were doing or what was happening to you during your time in the enemyâs hands.
He could only pray to Eywa every night to keep you safe and spare you, fully aware that if she answered his call, sheâd need something in return. And he was fully prepared to pay the price with his own life.
âââ
The torture they put you through was something youâd never would wish upon your greatest enemy.
They had ceased the torture on Spider, the orders being given to them by Quaritch. So, Ardmore turned to you and inflicted all kinds of pain and continuous torture onto you. The human boy begged Quaritch to put a stop to this, demanding him to let you go. But no matter how much Spider pleaded with the man or how many times he went over it with Ardmore, the woman didnât budge. She was insistent on getting something out of you. But all she really got was memories and flashes of a tall Naâvi teen boy and nothing else. Things that were useless to her, so she punished you every time.
The first time you arrived at their base, their doctors had pulled you aside and assessed you. They deemed that you had multiple fractured ribs and a mild concussion, ordering Ardmore to let you heal before she decided to do anything. She agreed to it at first since she had Spider to get information out of, but once Quaritch told her that he was off limits and was going to comply with him and his team, she began to drag you out to the interrogation room and leave you in there for hours until you passed out.
It was the same routine for weeks. Wake up, get dragged to the interrogation room, receive endless amounts of torture for hours, pass out, repeat. Days began to blur together, not knowing where one began and the next stopped. It was all the same.
The first time you realized you had been in the RDAâs grasp for too long was the night Spider had snuck into your room and gently sang happy birthday to you. It mustâve been months then. Your seventeenth birthday was celebrated nearly a year before being taken hostage by Quaritch. Ardmore had deemed it best to separate Spider and you from each other, breaking down both of your support systems. That night, as you and the boy silently cried into the dark of your room, you lost all hope that Loâak was coming back for you.
It hurt too much to think about. But you knew, you knew that eventually, it was never going to work out. You were too different. Something was bound to happen sooner or later, ripping the two of you from each other and essentially ending the relationship you had with one another. You loved Loâak dearly but you knew that your love was never in the cards. It was something taboo, forbidden. You only hoped that Loâak was able to find comfort within someone else during this time. For you doubted that youâd ever see each other again. He needed someone like him. Not you.
âââ
Loâak had done everything he could to keep his mind off of you.
He needed to keep his mind off of you if he didnât want to break down in the middle of the beach twenty-four-seven. So, he often spent more time training with Tsireya and got into meaningless fights whenever he could, angering his parents to no end. It worked at times, but often not, his mind always wandered back to you. Always.
âLoâak, what are you doing?â A soft voice asked, pulling the boy away from his never ending thoughts of the one person he desired to see.
âMoping,â he mumbled, crossed legged on the shoreline as he picked at the soft sand beneath him.
âI can tell,â she replied, taking a seat next to him. The boy next to her looked like a wounded puppy, ears drawn back as his tail laid limp beside him. Plus, he had a frown painted onto his face as he blankly stared at the sand below. âWhat is bothering you?â She asked, calmness etched into her voice.
Loâak hadnât told her, or any other Metkayina for that matter, about you and the kind of relationship you shared. Sure he mentioned you and Spider and what happened before he and his family left to seek uturu from the reef people. But he never gave anyone the idea that he was in love with you. He didnât know how any of them would react.
âIs it about the humans you mentioned earlier?â She added, filling in the silence that was growing between them as Loâak didnât answer her previous question.
The boy only hummed, poking his fingers into the damp sand. He really didnât want to talk to Tsireya about this. It risked the chance of his Saânok hearing or a stranger eavesdropping and telling everyone else in the village about how much he cared for a tawtute. It also hurt to talk about you. Because he knew once he started, he was never going to stop.
âI am sorry that they were taken. I know they meant a lot to you and your siblings,â Tsireya commented, truly feeling sorry for the young boy. She could tell that Loâak deeply cared for the humans and she couldnât imagine losing someone that close to her like that.
A shrug from Loâak was his only response to the girlâs comfort, tears beginning to prick his eyes as he began to crave your touch and soothing lips against his. He began to forget what it was like to have your hands and lips on his own skin, making the hole in his chest increase in size.
âWhat were their names again?â She delicately asked, genuinely curious. Foreign things always interested the girl and she had never seen a tawtute before. So, befriending people that have, made her want to ask all of the questions sheâs been dying to ask. The girl knew that her chance of meeting a human was extremely low before the Sullyâs arrival, but that still didnât stop her from wondering.
A small smile etched itself onto the corners of Loâakâs lips as he thought about you. Your name was probably his favorite thing to utter. It becoming a prayer during the darkest hours of the night, with you being the only one to answer his mumbled words. You were Loâakâs salvation and he never hesitated to remind you.
â(Y/N) and Spider,â he replied, fingers now fiddling with the anklet around his foot. You had made it for him for his fifteenth birthday. The poor boy had been so flustered while trying to tie it around his ankle that the woven material kept slipping through his fingers. You offered your help with a giggle, your soft fingertips causing fire to erupt against his skin as they trailed from his ankle bone to his calf in a teasing manner. If Loâak closed his eyes and tried hard enough, he could still feel the tingly sensation your fingers left behind in their wake.
âThose areâŚinteresting names,â Tsireya giggled, testing out their names on her tongue, attempting to enunciate every letter and vowel to the best of her ability. âHumans have such weird names,â she comments, reflecting back on the time she briefly met Norm and Max when they came to visit after Kiriâs seizure.
Loâak only hummed in response, smile still on his face as he recalled all the memories he has of you. He missed you so much. He felt empty without you. He felt as if he had half a soul with you gone. His whole being ached to be with you, touch you, love you.
The Metkayina girl noticed Loâakâs almost blissful smile on his face, copying his actions. She could only assume that one of you meant more to him than the other. That the other held a special place in his heart. âWhich one is it?â She asked, not trying to sound like she was prying. That was the last thing she wanted to do. She was just curious.
Loâakâs eyebrows scrunched together in confusion, âWhat do you mean?â.
âWhich one has you wrapped around their finger?â.
The question itself made Loâak blush, bottom lip going in between his teeth in an attempt to stop an even wider smile from making its way onto his face. Damn, he thought, she can read me like a book. You got to be more subtle man.
The boy gave her his answer, tail perking up and swaying to and from at the mention of your name, his body betraying him at trying to hide his affection for you.
âCan you tell me about her?â Tsireya asked, enthralled at how just the mere mention of your name influenced such actions from the Omatikaya boy.
Loâak didnât need to be asked twice before he began to talk about you, barely taking any breaths in between each word he uttered. If only his Mother and Father could see how much love Loâak held for you. If only.
âââ
âReady kid?â.
Youâd rather throw yourself off the highest floating mountain than go with Quaritch and his team on their mission to hunt down Jake and his family. But, alas, you had to go. You had to go unless you wanted to continue to be tortured by the old blonde Captain. You hated that woman with everything you had in you.
Quaritch had promptly requested Ardmore to cease her torturous treatment on you, stating that he finally got a lead on where the Sullyâs might be and that you were crucial to the plan he and his team were putting together. He needed you to go with them and he wasnât going to take no for an answer. He saw how Jakeâs son had reacted when he was teasing the boy about you. The boy cared for you and Quaritch was going to use it as leverage somehow.
âDonât have much of a choice, do I?â You replied, eyes narrowing at the man in front of you. You absolutely did not want to go wherever they were going, but you didnât want to stay behind and be tortured to death. So, you took the lesser of two evils (if you could even call it that).
Quaritch chuckled at your response, shaking his head, motioning you to follow after him. The man had taken a liking to you, much like he did with Spider. You werenât afraid to express how much you disliked the man nor did you hesitate to express your distaste for the whole situation he put you in. He liked your bluntness and admired your loyalty to the Naâvi, even if it was a major inconvenience for him and his team.
You had only ridden on an ikran a handful of times before, Loâak only being able to convince you with his little pout and big pleading eyes. You never were a fan of heights and having to spend Eywa knows how long on an ikran to the next base Quaritch was heading to made you want to cry. At least with Loâak, you knew that heâd always catch you if you began to slip. But with Quaritch, you were confident he wouldnât give two shits if you slipped off the flying creature.
âI am not getting on an ikran with you,â you commented, hands on hips as you approached the RDA Avatar soldiers and their ikrans. You were very surprised that the whole group managed to, successfully, claim an ikran within only months of being on Pandora whereas native Naâvi trained their whole lives for this. It all left a bitter taste in your mouth when you thought about it.
âYouâre not, sweetheart,â Quaritch answers, turning back towards you once he reached his bonded companion.
The ikran was probably the most beautiful youâve seen, even with your limited experience with the creatures. The whole body of the animal was a deep navy blue, streaks of gold and orange decorating its wings. The animal itself was gorgeous. It was ironic how someone so evil and ugly had managed to tame something so beautiful.
âSpiderâs riding with me. Youâll ride with Z-Dog,â he continued, clicking his tongue towards the tall Avatar woman, gently petting his ikran as he did so.
Your eyes were torn from the navy creature in front of you to the woman. Your blood went cold as you made eye contact, her hard stare boring into your eyes as she robotically chewed at the gum in her mouth. Great, you thought, Iâm definitely going to die.
âWe donât have all day, kid,â Quaritch commented, already mounted on his ikran as Spider sat in front of him, eyes worriedly scanning your figure as you stood there frozen in place.
Your eyes then drifted from the woman to her bonded companion behind her, its face gently nuzzling into her side affectionately. Your heart clenched at the sight of the animal. It looked almost identical to that of your boyfriend's ikran. Loâakâs was an almost dark blue, gold swirling around its neck and wings. His companion shared many similarities to the one of his Father, the only difference being the black patch on his protruding lower jaw. Memories of when Loâak took you out for rides on his ikran flooded your mind, making the hole in your chest double in size.
âLetâs go,â the woman said, snatching your forearm in her grip as she placed you onto the creature, placing herself behind you as she made tshaleyu with the animal. The winged creature chirped in delight at the sensation and shrieked once it readied itself to take flight, wings twitching.
You braced yourself for the ride, both hands tightening around one of the ikrans queues, thighs tensing in anticipation. The rides you had with Loâak were much more smoother and gentler. Loâak made sure to put emphasis on how he dismounted from the ground, trying to make it as smooth as possible for you. His bonded animal always complied, never rushing when he pushed off the ground and into the skies above. You found yourself missing that process as you desperately tried not to slip off the poor animal as it ascended into the blue sky. It was rough, to say the least.
Once you reached an appropriate enough altitude, Z-Dog steadied and leveled out her ikran, halting the rough turbulence you experienced moments prior. The creature chirped once again, smoothly gliding through the wind.
You always loved the feeling you got whenever you were up in the sky with Loâak despite your anxiety regarding heights. He always made sure that you were okay throughout the ride as well as before and after the fact. But with the stranger you were assigned to, you found yourself wanting to hurl in anxiousness. You only hoped that this was going to be a quick and fast flight to wherever the hell you were heading to.
âââ
The minute you stepped into the small room the tulkun hunters had allowed you to occupy during your stay, you fell to your knees. Sobs racked your body as your mind replayed the scenes that you witnessed only minutes prior. Arriving at the Taâunui village. The gathering of their people like they were sheep to slaughter. Quaritch threatening the Tsahik and Oloâeyktan of the clan. Lyle shooting and killing a sea creature on his Colonelâs order. The burning of the peoples homes. The killing of a Mother tulkun. It all kept replaying in your head, even when you moved to the even smaller shower.
You tried so hard to rid of the memories in your head, of the smell on your skin, of the guilt you felt. You rubbed at your skin until it was raw and hot and bleeding. The permanent reminder of just what your race is capable of slamming to the forefront of your mind. It all felt wrong. It feels wrong being here. Feels wrong to live on Pandora where its native species had to experience the pain and constant attempts of colonization from a different species. It all felt like you were contributing to whatever Quaritch had in mind. Even if he didnât tell you any details, you still chose to come along. Maybe staying behind with Captain Ardmore wouldâve been a better option. After all, it wouldnât have mattered if you were alive or not at the end of it for you already felt dead inside. Nothing and no one would be able to bring you comfort from what you just saw and gone through.
â(Y/N)?â A familiar voice asked, it cracking from the amount of emotion the owner felt.
âSpider,â you whispered, curling in on yourself as you saw his figure standing in your doorway, tears streaming down his face.
The boy made his way to your bed, laying on it, facing you on his side. Not a word was uttered between you two, not needing any to communicate the type of comfort you both seeked from each other. And you stayed like that, facing each other and grasping onto each other's hands for comfort as you unknowingly fell asleep, slumber welcoming you into its embrace. But even your dreams werenât a safe place. You dreamt of fire, of blood, and of death the whole night.
Maybe Neytiri was right. You shouldâve never befriended the Sully children. You shouldâve stuck to your own kind.
âââ
The second Loâak heard that a boy and a girl had been with Quaritch and his team during their attack on a nearby village, he began to ready his ilu for the trip. For getting you back.
The boy had paced back and forth from the edge of the mauri to his swimming companion, bending down to slip on the various of saddles the animal needed for riding. The creature chirped up at him every time Loâak bent down, seemingly encouraging him as he did so.
âWhat are you doing?â A voice asked, confusion laced in their tone. Loâak knew who it was before they even spoke. His Saânok had a bad habit of sneaking up on everyone, being too quiet for her own good. The hairs on the back of his head always stood up on end whenever he felt his Mothers presence behind him, alerting him of the potential rage he was going to face from the woman.
âTo save them,â Loâak mumbled, too focused on saddling the right equipment on his companion, fiddling with the straps as he tightened them. The boy knew that his parents never really cared for either of your well-beings, it being evident in their body language and actions whenever he or Kiri talked about the things they did with the pair of you that particular day. If they werenât willing to save you, then Loâak would take it upon himself to. He finally knew where you were after months of not knowing and he wasnât going to pass up the opportunity to have you in his arms again.
A growl emitted itself from his Mothers lips, her hand coming out to grip her son's bicep into her grasp, âKehe!â.
Neytiri didnât know why her son was so infatuated with you, a tawtute. She was always against her children from befriending you and Spider, glaring at your figures everytime you walked by at High Camp. Her son seemed to be closer with you than Spider. The fact always bothered her, making her skin crawl with anger. Angry that you were occupying her son's time when he could be doing other things, meeting other people, and talking to other appropriate women of the clan.
âYou will not,â she continued, scowl painted onto her face as she glared down at her son. She knew that if Loâak were to continue with his plan and make it to wherever you were, that Quaritch wouldnât hesitate to shoot or take him prisoner. She couldnât have that. Neytiri needed all of her children within eyesight so she could look over them and make sure that they were safe. She wouldnât be able to do that if her son went to you.
Loâak growled back at his Mother, ripping his arm out from her tight grip. The boy had his mind made up and nobody was going to stop him. He needed to get to you. He needed you.
âI will. Why do you even care? You havenât bothered to talk to me the whole time here. The only time you talk to me is to yell or scold me for doing yet another thing wrong,â Loâak hissed out, teeth tightly clenched. â(Y/N) and Spider care about me more than you ever have!â He added, whole body shaking in anger.
Neytiri gasped at her sons exclaimation, lightly hissing at him, âHow dare you think that? I love you, Loâak. But they, they do not! They are demons! They arenât capable of such things as love.â
Loâakâs ears drew back to press up against his skull and his lips drew up to show off his pointed fangs, a very loud hiss escaping from between his teeth. The hiss sounded almost roar-like, drawing attention from inside the Sully mauri, ears and tails perking up in interest.
Another gasp escaped from Neytiriâs throat. Her son had never hissed at her like that. Sure he had hissed at her playfully when he was younger or out of annoyance whenever she tried to get him to open up to her. But he had never hissed at her soâŚpossessively. The only time she had heard a roar like this was when her husband was fighting off Quaritch during the Great Battle and he threatened everything he worked so hard to build during his time in the Avatar program.
âThey do! She loves me. Sheâs capable of it and so much more. But you are too stubborn and stuck in your ways to see her the way I do. She cares for me, loves me. That I know,â Loâak grumbled out, fangs seeming to get even longer as he brewed in his anger. âI see her and she sees me. Something you and Dad never do,â he finished, turning away from his Mother as he reached out to grab the final thing he needed for his ride to you.
âWhat do you mean, Loâak?â Neytiri asked, anger laced in her voice. She knew what he was insinuating, but she needed to hear it come from his mouth. To confirm her suspicions. To confirm or deny what she had been thinking for years.
âI mean that she is mine. She is the only thing that I was ever able to have. I see her. She has taken me heart, body, and soul,â he slightly hisses out, not daring to look at his Mother as he spoke. He knew that once the confession of his sins slipped from his lips, there was no telling what his Mother would do. He didnât want to be in the crossfire once she decided to act upon whatever she was feeling, her not being a top priority in his life at the moment. You were the priority and heâd be damned if anyone stopped him from getting to you.
âNo,â Neytiri whispers, âYou did not. Tell me you didnât!â.
There were many things that his Mother could be referring to, but he was pretty sure he knew what she was hinting at. It was something that he had planned on doing with you once he properly courted you and way further into the future. But, nothing ever goes according to plan in Loâakâs life. The first time you guys had engaged in such an act was months before you were taken hostage. You had never been to the Tree of Souls, it being nearly impossible for you to get to without proper assistance. Loâak had decided to take you to it as a surprise on your weekly date night. The two of you had been dating for a while but never went as far as kissing or wondering hands against skin. It all happened so fast. One minute Loâak was describing the connection to you, how it all worked and the next, you were under him squirming and calling out his name in pleasure. He knew that once such an act was done, heâd be tied to you forever. That in the eyes of the Great Mother you two were mates and forever bound to one anotherâs souls. After that, the two of you often found yourselves engaging to be together. Loâak felt as if it was another way he could feel connected to you without being able to perform tshaleyu. He never took the act for granted and always put your pleasure before his, worshiping every inch of your body before you could do the same to him.
Her sons silence was Neytiriâs answer resulting in her loudly hissing at her youngest son, almost matching Loâakâs moments prior. That was the final straw to have Jake interfere between his arguing son and wife.
âYou gave yourself to her? To a demon? Agh! Shame! You have brought shame upon this family and yourself. You tainted yourself with a human. Someone who canât give you a future!â She yelled out, angry tears running down the expanse of her cheeks. Intercourse before mating wasnât something that was taboo in the Omatikaya culture, but it was expected of the Oloâeyktan and his family to save themselves before then, demonstrating their loyalty to the people and their future spouse. So to hear her son, the second born of the Oloâeyktan, engage in such an intimate act with a human nonetheless, made her want to pluck his eyes out from the sockets that held them.
âWoah! Woah! Hey!â Jake said, jumping in between his son and wife before either of them could jump at each other's throat. His front faced Neytiri while his back faced his son. âHey! Whatâs going on?â He gently asked, bringing his wifeâs face into his hands as he tried to get her to focus his attention on him and not Loâak.
âYour son has mated with a demon!â She spat out, disgust interlaced in her tone. The way she felt towards the situation was evident enough on her face. Her lips were drawn back to flash her fangs and her nose was scrunched as if she just smelt a pile of Palulukan dung.
Jake froze at the words his wife spat, eyes darting to his son behind him. Although he froze at the words, he wasnât surprised. He had a feeling that you and Loâak were more than just friends. He often caught his son gently rubbing at the marks you left on his skin during dinner, a smirk dancing across his youngests lips. Jakeâs not stupid. He was Loâakâs age once and understood the urges he faced. But, he was human then and the Naâvi have a completely different way of thinking and going about things like this.
Jake didnât question Loâak about whether or not what Neytiri said was true, already knowing the answer. He only sighed in response and tried to coax his wife to calm down.
âGo back in the house, son. Now,â Jake demanded, shooting him a look that told him he wasnât taking a no for an answer.
Loâak wanted to argue and continue with his plan on rescuing you, but he knew that his pleading would be worthless, especially after his confession. So, he begrudgingly desaddled his ilu and made his way into the pod, ignoring the looks of his siblings as he made his way to his side of the house, throwing something against the woven wall before settling down in the corner. Tears left his eyes as he sat there. He was frustrated. All he wanted to do was see and hold you, but it seemed as if Eywa wasnât on his side once again.
Why Great Mother? Why do you do this to me?
His heart further broke at the fact that you, yet again, slipped through his fingers. It seemed as if the whole universe was against the two of you. But, the universe be damned. Loâak was going to get you back no matter what it took. Heâd burn down villages for you, destroy planets for you. Heâd do anything for you.
âââ
âThey found out?â A soft voice asks, pulling Loâak out from his zoning out episode.
He only hummed in response, eyes puffy from all the crying he did that night. His Mother screamed and cried at him after she talked to Jake, calling him what everyone else does, a disappointment. He desperately tried to get her to understand how he felt about you and how much he cared for you. He wouldnât fall in love with just anyone, so you had to be very special to be the one to hold his heart.
Neteyam had been the one to comfort him that night as Jake and Kiri consoled Neytiri, trying to get her to calm down so she didnât disturb any other Metkayina trying to sleep or seek shelter from the storm. It had been the first time in years that Neteyam had held Loâak in his arms, turning him away from the sight of their Saânok as the elder practically held the younger in his lap. Neteyam felt bad that their Mother was acting like this. Like she too hadnât fallen in love with a tawtute. No matter how long Jake stayed on the planet and mingled with the natives, he would always be a human at heart. Itâs hard to break out of old habits and it seemed as if their Father began to fall back into his sky people ways as of recent.
( âItâs okay, tsmukan,â Neteyam had whispered, Loâak barely hearing over the dramatic wails of his Mother. The boy had long been done with his crying, just blankly staring at the anklet wrapped around his foot. The last remaining thing he had of you.
âShe doesnât understand,â the older brother continued, stroking Loâakâs braids with such a gentleness, he thought for a second that it was you who was holding him. He only ever experienced such a gentle touch with you. It felt wrong that it wasnât. That it was coming from his brother and not you.
âShe does not,â Loâak confirmed, burying himself further into his brothers body, actively seeking his warmth to combat the shaking of his own body. âShe never will,â he continued, eyes hardened to a glare as he stared at the intricately woven floor. She will never understand, he thought to himself, anger and sadness erupting in his chest. )
âA lot of the people heard your Mother last night,â Tsireya spoke up, sitting next to the dark blue boy. She felt bad for the teen. To be in love with someone you could never have must be heart wrenching. âI am sorry she acted the way she did. I hope she soon comes to the realization that you do truly love her,â she continued, trying to offer up the best comfort she could.
âI donât think my Dad cared. Probably already knew before I told them. But,â he croaked out, voice coming out coarse as a result from his crying the night prior, âHe didnât do anything to stop Mom from saying those things about her, about me.â.
Having his Father allow his wife to continually insult his lover and him had made Loâak bitter. How come he wasnât able to defend the one he loved but it was alright for Neytiri to throw such hurtful words to her own son? It all seemed hypocritical, backwards.
Tsireya frowned at Loâakâs words. She truly felt bad for him. She didnât think that it was fair for his own Mother to react that harshly to the news. Didnât she too fall in love with a human? It didnât make sense to her.
âOh, Loâak, Iâm so sorry,â she whispered out, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder in hopes to comfort him.
Nothing about this situation was ideal. Loâak wasnât able to go and rescue you from the clutches of the RDA. Neytiri had scolded and reprimanded her youngest son for being in love, calling him all sorts of colorful names in the process. Jake hadnât done anything to prevent his wife from her onslaught of scowls and hisses towards their son. The whole clan now probably knew about how Loâak was a sky demon lover. And Tsireya is the one comforting the boy when it should be his own family that weâre bringing him solace. It all became a mess so fast, everything crumbling down towards the ground within seconds.
Loâak only hummed in response to Tsireyaâs sympathetic tone, too tired to give her an actual response. His eyes were bloodshot from all the tears heâs expelled over night. Loâakâs face was practically swollen from how hard he cried last night. He looked like a complete mess.
Eywa had to be punishing him for something for the deity that he grew up hearing about wouldnât have allowed any of this to happen. Was it really that bad that Loâak loved you? That he loved a human? Surely the Great Mother held all of her children dear to her heart. So, why was she letting this happen? What was the bigger picture? What was the reason? Loâak wanted to know the answers to these questions so he could figure out why it was so wrong to love you when it felt so right to.
âââ
Pain spread throughout your lower back and hip, becoming warm as the nerve endings communicated with each other and the crushed blood cells came to the surface of your delicate skin. The minute Spider hijacked the ship and the vehicle surged forward, your body made harsh contact with the metal table in the middle of the room and the floor once it crashed amongst the jagged rocks.
â(Y/N)! You okay?â The human boy yelled out, scrambling up to his feet to get to your position against the floor.
A groan was your only answer, pulling yourself up the best you could before the soldiers and ship crew could grab you. You could feel the bruises already forming on your soft skin, heat spreading throughout the areas.
âGet them off the ship!â A voice demanded, catching your attention. Your heart dropped to your stomach upon hearing the words. They were going to take you somewhere farther from Loâak once more. Although you hadnât gone down with Spider to see him and the others being held hostage at the front of the ship, you still didnât want to be taken somewhere else where you most likely wouldnât be able to see him again.
Hands wrapped themselves around your biceps, roughly pulling you up from where you kneeled, guiding you to the exit.
âLet go of me!â You hissed, ripping your arms from out of the strangers grip just in time to catch the mask being thrown at you by another.
âPut it on,â they demanded, putting on their own mask before looking at you as you put yours on, a scowl on your face as you did so.
The same person pushed you forward in front of them, urging you to walk forwards and down the metal stairs. You desperately wanted to push whoever was in front of you down the stairs and run towards wherever they were keeping Loâak and the rest. You only wanted to see him and make sure that he was okay. That he was still breathing.
âMake sure itâs tight,â a man commented, tugging on the side of your mask.
âSheâs fine, dumbass,â Spider spat, pushing the manâs hand away from your masked face, putting himself between the man and you.
The man before you both scoffed and continued forward, leading the two of you somewhere on the ship where they kept their smaller boats.
Spider could sense your apprehension, grabbing your hand as the group of you continued to walk along the metal surface of the ship, shaking his head down at you as he dragged you besides him. He knew what you wanted to do, he wanted to do the same, but he knew that if you gave into that urge, they wouldnât hesitate to shoot either of you on the spot. He needed to keep you safe not just for Loâakâs sake but for himself too. You were his lifeline throughout this whole awful experience. Your presence itself helped him in more ways than one whenever he felt himself start to slip through the cracks while with Quaritch and Ardmore. If the two of you were going to make it out this afternoon, he needed you safe and alive.
Another man had exclaimed for the group to hurry up before the last of the boats left without them, getting cut off at the end of his sentence with a sharp exhale and groan as his body was thrown up against the wall of the ship.
Two large blue bodies had dropped down from above, pushing and punching the human men surrounding you and Spider, effectively killing them as they jumped from body to body.
âLoâak,â you whispered out, Spider pulling your back into his chest, away from Neteyam and Loâak, being wary of their size and strength.
A smile painted itself across your lips once the familiar amber eyes you dearly missed made contact with your colorful ones, time seemingly coming to a halt as the both of you took in each other's presence.
Loâak seemed to have filled out a bit, his biceps and thighs much larger than they were the last time you saw them. His hair was pulled back, showing off his sharpened jawline and defined shoulders and collarbones. Back in the forest, he rarely ever had his hair up, preferring it down so your fingers could have easy access to them whenever you wanted to run your smaller hands through the braids. His midsection seemed slimmer and tighter, displaying his developing abs along his stomach. Loâak seemed more confident in his physique as he stood there in front of you. You could practically feel it oozing off of him. The reef clan mustâve prioritized his training during his stay, you concluded.
As you gawked at the significant changes to your boyfriend's physical body, he too had his eyes glued to your figure.
Although much hadnât changed, you still looked beautiful as ever. You had your hair down, different from your typical braid or usual hairstyle. You deemed having your hair out of your face more practical during your time in the forest. It just made everything easier as you explored and ran about. Due to Ardmoreâs negligence to your physical needs, you figured it was easier to have your hair down most of the time, having no energy to do it yourself when she gave you a break from her torturous pursuits. Your hair had gotten longer during your time away from each other, inches longer than it previously was. It framed your face beautifully Loâak thought, smiling at you.
But before either of you could run to each other and embrace, a soldier had begun to stir and get up, a gun clutched in his grasp.
Loâak whipped his head towards the noise, bringing up the gun in his right hand up without thinking, finger squeezing the trigger as multiple rounds of bullets penetrated the human in front of him. The man slumped back, falling dead to the floor.
The air then became tense, the moment processing in everyoneâs head for a second. Then, Neteyam had gently grabbed Loâakâs forearm and urged him forward, walking backwards as Spider pushed you in front of him, following the Naâvi boy.
The two boys in front of you had effortlessly jumped down from the top of the stairs to the ground below, swiftly standing up from their crouch afterwards. Sensing your hesitation, Loâak wrapped his free arm around your waist and followed after his brother and Spider, holding you close to his side as he jumped down from the height. He only let go of your waist once you regained your bearings.
âHello, ma sĂŹlpeytsyĂŹp,â Loâak whispers, free hand going up to your bare neck, softly grazing his thumb against the delicate skin.
âHello, Loâak,â you whisper back, a smile on your face as you gazed at your lover. Oh how you wished you didnât need this stupid mask so you could capture his lips with yours.
You missed the boy in front of you so much. It was hard to endure all those months away from each other. He consumed every single thought you had. So to have him in front of you, alive and breathing and not a figment of your imagination, made you want to crawl into his large arms and stay there forever.
Your small moment was interrupted by Spider, him exclaiming a thank you so much man as he turned towards the Naâvi teens.
Loâak had tore his eyes away from yours, staring at Spider as he thanked him and Neteyam for saving both of your asses back there. The blue boy smiled at his friend, going to express his welcome but his smile dropped as he saw the same Avatar soldiers from that night come into view, aiming their guns towards the group of teens.
As Loâak perked up to shoot at the familiar fake Avatars, Neteyam pulled him back just as quickly, ushering him and the lot of you to run and dodge the bullets as they fired and ricocheted off the railings and other obstacles between you and them.
âGo! Go!â Neteyam exclaimed, pushing the three of you towards a corner by the moonpool, snatching Loâakâs gun with a give me that!.
The older Naâvi began to shoot back at the soldiers shooting at you four, shouting at all of you to hurry and jump into the water beneath the opening in front of you. Before you could process Neteyamâs words, Loâak took you into his arms and rushed towards the moonpool, jumping over the railing and into the water. Cool water splashed against your body and sealed mask, making you involuntarily hold your breath as a reflex.
Upon breaching the surface, you exhaled the air you held, realizing that there was no need for you to hold it.
âThat was insane cuz!â Loâak exclaimed, high-fiving Spider as he hollered back an excited hell yeah!. His arm around you had slipped from its grasp in order to hand out the high-five he gave Spider.
The three of you just narrowly escaped death and Loâak was hollering in delight from the adrenaline rush. Well, you thought, at least the sea didnât change that about him.
The hairs on your skin stood on end once you heard the gurgle of Neteyamâs first gasp of breath after following you and the boys, diving into the water. Your body instinctively knew that something bad was bound to happen and you could only pray to Eywa that this wasnât happening.
Everyoneâs world stopped on its axis once Neteyam announced that heâd been shot, struggling to keep himself upright in the water. It was as if his own acknowledgment of being shot stripped him of his refined swimming skills, limbs not being able to keep up with the blood loss and shock of the event.
You were the first one by the boys side after the words fell from his lips, trying to help keep him afloat in the water. âItâs okay, Teyam,â you whispered, head barely above the water's surface as you kept the boy upright, âYouâll be okay.â.
You knew that your words were only empty promises. That realistically, Neteyam wasnât going to make it. No amount of comforting whispers were going to cover up that fact or bring the boy some kind of solace from death's icy grip.
âHere! Get him up on here,â an unfamiliar voice exclaimed, drawing your attention from Neteyam to the owner.
A beautiful Naâvi girl had broke the surface of the water with a strange creature by her side. She gestured for you and the rest to get Neteyam up onto the animal so you could transport him somewhere where he could be helped.
The strange girls eyes fell on you, making your stomach drop and breath hitch in your throat. She must be of the clan that harbored the Sully family, you thought to yourself as you studied her much lighter blue skin and enchanting ocean blue eyes. Really pretty too.
âCâmon bro,â Loâak stuttered out, taking Neteyam out from your grip and into his, swimming towards the girl and her creature.
Spider had pulled you out from your stupor, tugging on your hand as he swam the both of you towards the group, grabbing the side of the creatures saddle as it readied itself to surge forward in the water. The boys hand had let go of your hand and went to grab your waist, pulling you flush to his side in preparation for the resistance of the water once the creature got the okay to take off. Your own hands wrapped themselves around Spiderâs neck, muscles in your arms tightening in preparation as well.
Once Loâak situated Neteyam onto the creature behind him, he urged the animal to go forward through the bond, it hurriedly gliding through the water as it pushed against the current and new added weight on all sides.
You knew that once the five of you left the scene and headed towards somewhere else, everything was going to change. That it was all downhill from here.
âââ
Your hands were caked in blood. In Neteyamâs blood.
The red substance ran up your wrists and stopped at your mid forearm. The skin that was covered in it felt like it was on fire. It burned.
Your small hands that were desperately trying to slow down the blood pouring out of the boys chest were replaced by Loâakâs, his bigger body pushing you out of the way once Jake noticed your useless efforts and demanded his second son to replace your hands with his.
Tears spewed out from your waterline, falling down your cheeks and gathering at the bottom of your mask. Your throat burned from your suppression of sobs, desperately trying to escape from your sealed lips. You didnât feel worthy crying and sobbing over the fatally injured boy in front of you. It was your fault he was shot. Indirectly or not, if Neteyam and Loâak didnât come back for you and Spider, then heâd be fine and not bleeding out in front of his family. He wouldn't be laid dying in front of you.
You felt familiar, calloused hands wrapped themselves around your frame, bringing your body into their own.
âItâs okay, itâs okay,â Spider lowly whispered, bringing your face into his neck as you let out a quiet sob, leaning into his embrace. He knew that you were on the brink of breaking down and knew that you were keeping it in so as to not disturb the Sully family in their growing mourning. He saw the way Loâak pushed his way between you and Neteyamâs dying body, replacing your hands with his own against his brothers open chest. He knew that no one else around you would comfort you in the way that you needed, so he scurried to your side and brought you into his arms for the comfort that you craved.
Youâve never seen someone die. Youâve never seen someone die right in front of you. Your brain was scrambling to gather itself and process what was happening. But it was as if your brain couldnât gather all the working pieces it needed and abandoned you in your own body, leaving you to pick up the pieces yourself and try to process what was happening.
Your body began to shiver as shock and adrenaline coursed through your veins, making your quiet sobs even harder to contain and actually keep silent.
The minute your ears picked up on Neytiriâs high pitched wails and screams, you knew that Neteyam had taken his last breath and finally joined Eywa in his afterlife. From that moment on, everything went by in a flash.
Neytiri, Jake, and Spider had left back towards the ship for a reason your ears didnât pick up on, still ringing in the aftershocks of Neytiriâs screams. The Naâvi woman left on her ikran, it screeching as she made tshaleyu. The both of them took off in a blur from the speed of the animals ascent. Spider left you with a gentle kiss on the forehead and a promise that heâll come back, smoothing down your damp hair before following after Jake. And Loâak. He only spared you a small glance before telling the reef Naâvi girl to stay with Neteyamâs body, gently patting her cheek before he hurried off to follow his Father and Spider.
Even though your mind struggled to process and piece together what just happened, it was still able to process the soft touch Loâak bestowed upon the girl in front of you and the sympathetic look he gave her before he left. How she reached out for him as he walked away and the look on her face as she watched. Oh.
Your heart broke at the realization. Loâak finally found someone that was suitable for him. Someone that was able to give him the future he deserved. Someone that was able to give him everything you couldnât. And more tears fell from your eyes, heart crying out at the heartbreak.
Neytiri was right. You shouldâve stayed with your own kind.
âââ
You didnât stay long for Neteyamâs funeral. As soon as it ended, you treaded your way out of the water and walked somewhere secluded.
It was too much being there. It was hard watching Jake and Neytiri place their eldest son down onto the orange glowing tendrils. It was hard watching him be absorbed by them, disappearing into the glowing mass. Guilt riddled your consciousness, yelling at you that you shouldnât be there. That it was your fault that he was with Eywa now. That you took away Jake and Neytiriâs firstborn son from their grasp too soon. You felt that your presence itself was a reminder as to why Neteyam was no longer breathing.
So, you sat yourself in a secluded area on the small island, situating yourself between the large rocks that perfectly hid your smaller frame. You didnât want anyone disturbing you, especially Loâak. You didnât think youâd be able to face him again after tonight.
âYou suck at sneaking away, you know that right?â A soft voice spoke out, making you jump in response from its abrupt reveal. You had been sitting in silence for a couple of minutes before you were interrupted.
Turning your head, you saw Kiri standing there, face still painted in the white substance her Mother lathered onto her face before attending her elder brother's funeral. She held a small smile in your presence, leaning down to properly sit by your side.
You only hum and nod your head in response, turning your gaze back towards the lapping waves against the soft sand of the shoreline. You felt unworthy of the girl's presence. Like you shouldnât stare at her for too long or else Eywa would strike you down with lightning for it. Unworthy of still being her friend even after what had occurred hours prior.
âI do not blame you, (Y/N),â she spoke up, large amber eyes glued to the side of your face. âNone of us do. It was not your doing for what happened that night. You were not the one with the gun,â she continued, her blue five-fingered hand coming to rest up against your shoulder in comfort.
Growing up, Kiri always knew what you were feeling by just seeing the expression on your face. It was a bit weird growing up. She knew what you felt even before you could process it yourself. But, oftentimes, you were grateful for someone like Kiri. For someone who knew you so deeply that they didnât need words to confirm how you felt. She just knew.
Kiri did truly mean the words she spoke. She did not think that Neteyamâs death was yours nor Spiders' doing. You two were just kids who were taken hostage and desperately needed saving. You are just kids. Your whole lives were a cause of an unfortunate event but that doesnât mean that everything bad that happens to her family and to the other natives of Pandora were solely you and Spider's fault. The two of you shouldnât carry that heavy burden.
âBut, if Loâak and Neteyam didnât come after us â â you sputtered, tears already welling in your waterline as your throat began to tighten with emotion.
The Naâvi girl knew where you were coming from. What your thought process was and how you felt. A perk of being one of your good friends she supposed.
âBut nothing, (Y/N),â she cut you off, voice firm and absolute. There was no way you were going to change her mind about the situation at hand. It wasnât your fault. Period.
âNeteyam and Loâak chose to come after you and Spider. They both knew of the consequences that came with following after you. No one except Quaritch and his men are to blame,â she said with finality, not needing you to further intrude on what she said. No matter how hard youâd try to convince her that it was your fault, she wouldnât believe you. Her mind had already been made up and you werenât the one to blame.
Only more tears began to gather and spill from your eyes at your friend's words. It was nice to hear that she, and most likely everyone else, didnât blame you for what happened. But it didnât help ease the guilt you felt. Nothing could aid in the guilt you felt deep within. Perhaps with time it would go away, but even then, you highly doubted that.
âLoâak still loves you if that is whatâs causing this worry,â Kiri whispered out, only loud enough for you to hear just in case anyone else was wandering around.
During their stay at Awaâatlu, Kiri could tell that your absence had deeply disturbed her younger brother. It was evident in everything he did. Loâak always had a frown on his face and found excuses to pick fights with Aoânung and his gang of friends. It was like he didnât have a reason to behave accordingly or live anymore. Like his sense of self was lost when you were taken by Quaritch and his soldiers. He desperately missed you and she could tell that the only thing he wanted to do was get you back and have you in his arms once again.
Your stomach turned in knots and your heart stopped at Kiriâs comment. Did he really? What about the girl that helped you that night?
âI â Iâm not too sure about that. What about the girl?â You asked, face damp with tears. You saw how Loâak treated her that night. How he gently put his hand on her cheek and how she reached out for him with a call of his name before leaving the both of you on that rock with Neteyamâs body. How he barely spared you a glance before leaving.
You were confident that he had finally found the one the Great Mother had destined him to be with. You knew that your time together was limited, the clock starting the minute you confessed your feelings to the teen boy. It broke your heart seeing him act that way with her but you knew that heâd eventually come to his senses about you and want to pursue a Naâvi who could actually give him the future he deserved. If anything, you were pleased that he found someone like him. He would no longer be held back by you.
âWhat? What girl? What are you talking about?â Kiri asked, shock and concern laced within her voice. She knew that Loâak was too in love with you to look at anyone else the way he looked at you. So your words confused her immensely. Why did you think he no longer saw you?
The blue girl ransacked her brain for the girl you were insinuating Loâak was into. She kept drawing blanks, until her mind settled onto the one person that was a great comfort to Loâak during their stay.
âYou mean Tsireya?â She asked, a barely audible giggle coming out of her mouth.
To be frank, Kiri found the situation a little funny. Loâak was such a lovesick puppy for you that he often refused to talk to anyone who wasnât you. He continuously asked about you before the two of you got together, always bothering Kiri as she made her way back from the lab. He also handmade many jewelry pieces for you, even if he sucked at it and needed Tukâs help. Why would you think his affections would change that fast?
âSheâs pretty,â you hum, eyes still glued on the moving waves in the distance. Really pretty. âSheâs good for him, Ri. Sheâd be able to give him the future he deserves. Plus, Neytiri would actually like her. It was never in the cards for us,â you finished, voice now eerily calm and void of the sadness you expressed earlier.
Kiriâs mouth fell agape at your words, eyes widening to the size of yovo fruit. What the fuck?
â(Y/N), you cannot mean that. Tsireya and Loâak are only friends. Thatâs all,â she began, trying her best to save you from your overwhelming thoughts before they consumed you whole. âHe still loves you. Please believe that,â she pleaded.
You finally tore your gaze from the water and up towards the glowing amber orbs of your friend. âHe left me there, Kiri. All alone with no goodbye. Barely even glanced my way before he followed after Spider and Jake,â you confessed, heart breaking all over again at the memory. It was hours before they all returned to the rock. Spider was the only one to comfort you as Loâak was too busy with Tsireya. The rest of the family barely even spared you a glance as they pulled each other into an embrace.
Oh, Kiri thought, ears pinning to the sides of her head. Did she interpret Loâak and Tsireyaâs body language wrong? Were they more than friends?
Neither of you uttered another word, sitting peacefully side by side as the two of you listened to the soothing sound of the lapping waves against the shore. A war was occurring within your head and walls were built to protect you from the oncoming grenades you were sure would be thrown at you by your lover once he confessed that he was no longer in love with you. If you could even call him yours anymore.
From afar, the subject of your conversation was watching the two of you converse. He so desperately wanted to run to you and gather you into his arms and keep you there forever. But, he knew that you were no longer his. He saw how Spider treated you so gently. How he placed a kiss on the crown of your head before scurrying away to lead Jake to the ship. How he was the first one to comfort you when they arrived, beating him in embracing you and soothing you as you sobbed against his bleeding chest. And even though his heart was breaking at the possibility of you no longer loving him, he only wanted you to be happy and if that was with Spider, then heâd let you go.
âââ
Days had passed since your conversation with Kiri. She had never left your side since, wanting to be there for you as you navigated your grief and heartbreak. Your words still stunned the poor girl. She was sure that you were wrong but she would admit that it was awfully suspicious the amount of times she saw Loâak and Tsireya together. And always seeing them together, especially after you pointed it out, didnât help. Kiri was so sure of her brothers love for you that she nearly laughed in your face once those words left your mouth. But, she too began to doubt the affections her younger brother held for you.
Kiri often spent most of her time around you, but during the times she wasnât able to, Tuktirey had no problem keeping you company.
âNo! Youâre doing it wrong,â Tuk exclaimed, groaning over your lack of weaving skills.
The young girl had been attempting to teach you the new way of weaving she had learned during her time on the island. She was so excited to show you what she had learned over the months that she nearly crushed your smaller, human body in a tight hug upon hearing your agreement. The young girl profusely apologized when she heard your panicked wheeze against her collarbone, quickly getting to work after.
âIâm sorry, TukTuk. Weavingâs never really been my thing,â you apologize, gently smiling at the child next to you. She was so excited to show you how to weave the Metkayina way, her eyes practically glowed in excitement once you agreed.
âItâs not your fault, (Y/N). I struggled with it too for some time. It just takes practice,â she responded, a large gummy smile directed your way. âPlus, that just means I can make you more!â She added, trying to lift up your dampened mood.
It seemed as if everything bothered you these days. Like everything was a reminder as to why youâd never be good enough for the secondborn Omatikaya prince. A reminder of the things you couldnât give Loâak. Of the things you couldnât do to please your mate. Weaving was a huge part of the Omatikaya culture, allowing one to express their gratitude and affection towards their intended. Something that you lacked severe skill in. Sure you could make a few bracelets here and there but it was nothing compared to those of the native Omatikaya who put so much effort into their weaving, going as far as making their own unique weave pattern for their beloved. Even though you wanted to refuse Tuktireyâs plea, for it was another painful reminder that you could never have Loâak, you still accepted it and endured the emotional turmoil you experienced. You wouldnât allow your own feelings to stump Tukâs happiness and eagerness to share with you something new she learned.
âYou can make me as many as you want, Tuk,â you replied, a small smile gracing your lips as you gently patted her head, ruffling her hair in the process. The young girl shrieked at your action, pushing your hand away from her freshly braided hair, giggling afterwards.
You desperately missed moments like these during your captivity. You missed playing around with the Sully children and hearing Tukâs high pitched giggle as she ran away from your hands as you reached out to tickle her. You missed Kiriâs wise words as she spoke about whatever came to mind. You missed Loâakâs comforting embrace as he enveloped you into his arms whenever you needed it. You missed Neteyamâs kind nature, helping you out whenever you found yourself falling behind. Youâd always miss Neteyam, his absence another reminder as to why you would never be enough for the one you loved.
A loud cough from the doorway of the marui pod broke you and Tuk out of your giggling fit, both of you whipping your heads to the figure standing in front of the opening. Your heart dropped at who was in front of you.
âMom!â Tuktirey squealed, jumping up to her feet and towards her saânok.
You could tell that Neytiri wasnât excited about your presence, her hardened glare never leaving your face even as she bent down to embrace her youngest child. Over the course of the days following Neteyamâs funeral, Neytiri was colder towards you and Spider. She rarely ever let her children see you and often fought with Jake on this matter. She always argued about the same thing. How you and Spider werenât good for her children. How the both of you deserved to be with your people. How you bring nothing but pain to this family. That if Jake never took the both of you in, they wouldnât be in the position. You heard most of what she was yelling about almost every night, your shared guilt with Spider growing evermore.
âIâŚuhâŚI think I should get going Tuk. I just remembered that Kiri wanted to show me around somewhere,â you awkwardly said, smiling at the young girl before quickly heading out, barely giving her enough time to say her goodbyes to you.
You sped walk out from the Sullyâs pod and onto the soft sand of Awaâatlu. You knew that you were no longer welcomed in Neytiriâs presence and you respected her wishes by excusing yourself and making your way out. It was the least you could do considering all that she went through.
Hours passed by with you sitting in the same place Kiri found you days prior, just thinking. Something that you found yourself doing way too often. It was hard to get out of your head and even harder for others to help you out of it. Most days, Spider wasnât even able to help you with your problem and he almost always was able to save you from your own mind. Today was no exception regarding getting yourself stuck in your head and going around in circles.
â(Y/N)?â A soft voice asked, effectively pulling you out from your stupor.
Your eyes shifted from where they were glued to onto the person standing next to you, making your whole body tense and stomach churn in anxiety. Tsireya.
The light blue Naâvi girl stood in front of you with a look of concern etched on her face. Her skin was covered in a thin line of droplets, a clear sign she had just came back from a swim. You wondered if she felt bad for you and approached you out of pity. If Loâak had told her about your past together and if she was approaching you to inform you about their new union. If she was here to tell you about what her and the other Metkayina thought of you, preparing yourself for harsh insults and words.
âAre you okay?â She asks, sitting on her knees as she leaned forward a bit, big blue eyes practically staring into your soul.
Your eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. You were usually very careful in how your body reacted whenever you got stuck in thought. Always giving yourself time to release the tension in your body and relax before returning back to the thought you put on pause. So you were very confused as to why Tsireya was concerned with if you were okay or not.
âYou justâŚseemed lost in thought.â She says, hands gently folding together in her lap. âIâve noticed that your hair,â she points to your eyebrows, âcome together when youâre thinking. Loâak does the same thing.â.
Your heart sped up at the mention of Loâakâs name, only for it to drop again once you realize whoâs talking to you. Keep yourself in check (Y/N), you thought to yourself, youâre in the prescence of Loâakâs mate. Of course she knows things like that about him. You shouldnât act like this.
âOh, yeah. Iâm fine!â You reply, a half assed smile creeping up on your lips, not quite reaching your eyes like it usually does. There was no way in hell that youâd tell Tsireya what was going on inside your head. That wasnât a burden she needed on her shoulders.
The girl didnât look too convinced at your response but didnât push it further. She only nodded and continued to look at you, big eyes studying your human features. Tsireya had rarely seen you around and when she did, it was very brief before you disappeared out of sight again. So she couldnât help but look at you as you sat there. You were very pretty, she noted. No wonder Loâak fell so helplessly in love with her, she thought. Your beauty was something Tsireya had never seen before.
âTsireya!â A gruff and deep voice shouted, catching the girls attention as she turned her back towards the voice. It was her Father.
âOh. Iâm sorry (Y/N), but I have to go. I do hope you feel better soon,â she quickly said before walking away, her tail swinging gently from side to side as she strides away.
The whole encounter you had with the girl made you even more confused and sad. She was so nice to you. She gave you no reason to hate her. But you couldnât help but feel it as she left you there, longing for the life you could never have.
âââ
âYouâre being so sulky,â Spider murmured, arms crossed as he watched you stare at your food in front of you.
Norm and Max had cooked dinner nearly two hours ago and you were the only one who hadnât finished your plate. You didnât have much of an appetite these days either. You were too occupied with thinking or trying to avoid Loâak at all costs to properly eat. You knew it wasnât something you should be doing but you found yourself doing it anyway.
âYou havenât even talked to him! You donât know if itâs true or not,â he continued, sick of seeing both you and Loâak moping around and avoiding each other at every turn. Heâs told the both of you multiple times to just talk about it but the both of you were too stubborn for your own good.
You ignored Spiderâs comment, rolling your eyes at the boy besides you. You really didnât need him meddling in your business.
Your silence was Spiderâs last straw as he slammed his hands against the metal table, surprising you and making you jump back at the action. Your plate shifted and jumped in its place, the fork clattering onto the floor.
âFine. If neither of you want to talk this out on your own, then Iâll do it for you,â he exclaimed, jumping up from his seat and hauling you up from yours by your arm.
âAre you fucking crazy?â You screamed, trying to pry Spiderâs fingers off of your bicep.
He only scoffed at your response and shook his head, leading you to the entrance of the lab that sat in the secluded parts of the island, tossing you a mask before shoving you out of the metal lab and out into the Pandora air.
Shortly after the events with Quaritch and the tulkun hunters, Norm and Max had decided that it would be best if they put one of their smaller labs on Awaâatlu for the two of you. It was definitely smaller than the lab you lived in at High Camp, but you didnât complain. At least you had somewhere to go and hide whenever you didnât want to see Loâak that particular day.
âYou fucker!â You shouted, banging the flat of your palm up against the glass of the door. Spider only ignored your calls from the inside, eating your untouched food. You groaned in frustration as you watched the boy simply devour your cold food.
Rustling of leaves were heard from your right, making your heart stop in its confines in anxiety. Your breath hitched in your throat as you slowly turned your head to see who or what caused the noise, especially this late at night. Your stomach dropped to the floor once you saw those familiar amber eyes peek out from behind a shrub.
âLoâak?â You whispered, not trusting your voice at the moment.
Upon hearing your voice, the culprit perked up, completely revealing themselves to you.
âYawne?â He asked, unsure if he should move closer to you or stay where he was. Loâak had been craving to be in your presence ever since his brothers funeral. He only wanted you in his arms again and even though he had you back, he didnât completely have you.
The two of you stood there, in front of each other for a while, neither of you daring to move closer or speak up first.
It was strange to see you after not having seen you for months. You looked the same but didnât at the same time. Loâak didnât know how he didnât notice the first time he saw you on that ship. You looked more mature. Like you had seen or experienced something you shouldnât have.
âHow are you?â Loâak asks, finally breaking the awkward silence between the two of you.
You internally scoffed at that question, shaking your head as you did so. Yeah, Iâm totally fine. Leaving me with your dead brother for hours didnât do anything to me at all.
âFine,â you answer, beginning to try to open the lab door with all your might, shaking the lock. Spider mustâve locked it from the inside or something, you thought, promising yourself that you would choke the boy out once you got back into the lab.
Loâak flinched at your rough voice and repetitive shaking of the door, ears drawing downwards as he watched. Heâs never seen you act so violent before. Never seen you so desperate to get back into the lab. Usually, back in the forest, youâd do anything and everything to stay out of the lab for as long as you could. So to see you act the opposite made Loâak frown, especially since it was because he was out with you.
âYawne,â Loâak tried again, taking a step closer to you before quickly drawing back as you scowled at him to stay where he was. âWhat is wrong? Talk to me, please,â the boy pleaded, tail falling limp between his legs.
âI told you. Nothing. Nothing is wrong,â you replied, eyes never leaving the stupid handle of the door you were trying to pry open.
Loâak knew you were lying. Something was most definitely wrong. He could see it in your eyes. How badly you wanted to share whatever was bothering you but something withheld you from uttering the words. It made him ever the more desperate to get you to talk to him.
The boy knew that showing up at the lab unannounced wasnât going to get you to talk to him, especially since he too was also ignoring your existence. That heâd have to try harder in order to get you to speak with him.
âYawne ââ.
âStop! Stop calling me that! I am not your yawne!â You shouted, ceasing your prying of the locked metal door. Hearing that term come out of his mouth made you want to cry. It made you want to scream, kick, and hit him for calling you that when you knew that he called another it. He had Tsireya to be his yawne. That was no longer a title you held.
Confusion and hurt spread itself across Loâakâs face, brows furrowing together in confusion. What did you mean? Why were you no longer his beloved?
âWhy? Why not?â He shouted back, anger quickly arising within the teen boy. âWhat have I done to make you angry with me?â He asked, ears drawing further downward and pressing harder against the side of his skull.
You wanted to pull at your hair in frustration and anger. You just wanted to go inside and pass out before having to face the Sully family again. You wanted Loâak to leave you alone in your heartbreak. To stop haunting your dreams. To stop reminding you of the life you longed to have with him.
âNothing and everything, Loâak!â You screamed, finally fed up, âYou have done nothing and yet have done everything to upset me. First, you leave me with Neteyam for hours. You left me alone with the body of someone who I loved. You left me alone in my grieving. I had to wash away the blood and grime from his body as you did what? Fight Quaritch? Get Spider nearly killed? ThenâŚthen you touched her so lovingly. So gently. When you barely even spared me a glance. You comforted her and hugged her so tight to yourself that I couldnât tell where you started and she ended.â.
âI only wanted you to comfort me. To hold me as I cried. But you were too busy with her. And I understand, Loâak. I do. As much as it pains me to realize and say it. I know that you and Tsireya are together, a thing. Itâs as obvious as the mask that I need. And itâs okay. Really. I knew that whatever this was, it wasnât going to last. I am human and you deserve so much more than what I can give you. I cannot give you children, make the bond with you, or even be properly considered one of the People. You deserve someone who could give you that. Give you everything and more. I mean, Tsireya is Tsakarem for crying out loud! She is much more suited to be your mate than I am, Loâak.â.
By the time you were finished with your speech, your chest was rising up and down dramatically, trying to gulp down air as quickly as the mask would let you. You knew that once you expressed your feelings and how you felt, it would change everything. So in order to ignore Loâakâs intense gaze and to prevent yourself from succumbing to the need to cry, you began your attempts at trying to open up the locked door or at least trying to get someoneâs attention so theyâd save you.
Your hands began to hit the door again, switching to messing with the door handle after a couple of beats pass with no one coming to your rescue.
âI confessed.â Loâak blurted out, desperation covered his face. His ears were fully up in alert, twitching at the sound of your hands stopping against the hard metal of the lab.
You stopped your movements, standing on the stairs of the lab in shock, trying to process the words that just came out of the boy's mouth. Confessed? What did he mean by confessed?
He needed you to know that what you were saying wasnât true. That he wasnât seeing Tsireya and that heâll never see her in that light as he sees you. That his heart only held love for you and no one else. That your entire being consumed him heart, body, and soul.
âI told my Mother about us. About our relationship. About how much I love you. About how much I adore and see you. About that night at the Tree of Souls. I told her everything,â he rambled, tears clinging to his waterline as he tried to hurriedly blink them away. âShe wasnât happy about it, obviously. But, I didnât care. I still donât. Tsireya and I have never and will never be a thing. My heart only beats for you. My lungs only breathe for you. My body and soul only long for you. Everything is only ever for you, ma yawne. I hold so much love for you that it hurts. Did you know that the afternoon I heard of a young boy and girl being held captive at the Taâunui clan, I almost immediately took off on my ilu to get you back? That I fought with my Saânok over you? Thatâs when I told her. Everyone heard and I donât care that they did. I would scream out my love for you on the highest floating mountain if you asked me to. Iâd do anything for you, (Y/N). Please, please believe that.â.
Loâak took in deep breaths once he finished his speech, desperately trying to fill his lungs with air after depriving them of it. He hoped that what he said was enough to get you to see how he felt about you, how he still felt about you. And if you didnât, then heâd try again and again and again until he ran out of air to breathe. He needed you in his life. He didnât care that you couldnât bare him children or make tshaleyu with him. All he needed was you and that would be enough for all of his lifetimes.
âLoâak,â you croaked out, hot tears running down your cheeks and gathering at the bottom of your mask. You had no idea that he felt that strongly for you. Sure he mentioned some things from time to time but he never seemed this serious about it. You could feel the emotions of his words as they hit you square in the face.
âI donât care if you canât carry my children or that you canât make the bond with me. I donât. I only care that youâre in my life and that you love me just as much. You have been such a big part of my life for so long that I canât imagine you not in it. Nga yawne lu oer,â Loâak finally finishes, kneeling on his two knees to get to your height, gently taking your softer hands in his rougher oneâs.
All of the doubts you had about yourself and the relationship you had with the boy in front of you vanished the moment he touched you. Like everything else disappeared and it was only you two in the world.
âI am so sorry if it seemed like I had any interest in Tsireya, my love,â Loâak whispered, bringing your hands up to his lips as he pecked them with a kiss, âTo be honest, I thought Spider and you were a thing as well.â.
At his confession, you bursted out laughing, not being able to hold in your reaction to the ridiculous thought.
âI know, I know,â Loâak tsked, shaking his head, âI had asked Spider about it and he had the same exact reaction. He wouldnât shut up about it either, telling me how ridiculous I was for thinking such a thing. As well as how much of an idiot I was too.â.
âWell,â you hummed, taking your hands out of your boyfriends and placed them onto his blue cheeks, âI guess weâre both idiots then.â.
Loâak chuckled at your response, shaking his head as he finally brought you into his arms, immediately burying his head into the crook of your neck as he got a sniff of your dearly missed scent. Your arms wrapped themselves around his neck as he held you close, almost completely enveloping you in his body.
âIâm sorry for assuming,â you speak up, fingers running through Loâakâs braids. You felt bad for immediately assuming Loâak would move on that fast and get with Tsireya. You knew it wasnât something heâd do but your overwhelming insecurities took over.
The Naâvi boy only hums, burying his head farther into your neck. âItâs okay,â he said, âI did the same. Nothing to stress about now. I got you back and thatâs all that mattersâ.
The two of you sat there for what felt like only minutes but was hours in reality. The sun had begun to poke through the horizon, sunrise vastly approaching.
âWanna go inside? We could spend the morning sleeping and cuddling if you want,â you suggest, eyelids getting droopy as your lack of last nights sleep began to catch up with you. You shifted your head so it laid on Loâakâs shoulder, yawning as you did so.
Your lover only nodded in agreement, delicately moving into the small lab and removing your mask from your face, placing a kiss on your forehead as you began to snore in Loâakâs arms. He smiled down at you before making his way to your established room, content with how the night turned out.
As he gently laid you in the soft bed and tucked the both of you in, he knew that heâd gladly spend the rest of his life with you so as long as you pleased. That there was no one else but you that he truly saw himself with. The teen would do anything for you, no matter what it entailed.
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