#Bucky clearly has his own trauma but everyone (including Bucky) needs to also look at Sam and everything he has gone through

[chaoticace2005]

#it is THE FALCON and the winter soldier #I love Bucky but people NEED to stop sleeping on Sam #Bucky clearly has his own trauma but everyone (including Bucky) needs to also look at Sam and everything he has gone through #one person’s trauma doesn’t take away form another #we have enough love to go around #Sam wilson #we love Sam wilson #tfatws #Tfatws memes #tfatws incorrect quotes #fatws #fatws incorrect quotes #fatws memes #the falcon and the winter soldier #mcu #mcu memes #mcu incorrect quotes #marvel #marvel incorrect quotes #marvel memes

[moontheoretist]

When she and Tony Stark meet it is very clear that he was not expecting her there, “Jesus Christ, who the hell are you?” he asks, hand pressed to the space over his heart. His right arm is in a sling and that does not look good. “Is there something wrong with your arm?” she asks. It did not appear to be in a cast and she saw no bruising. His breathing was restricted though and that did not bode well either. She narrows her eyes at the thought of someone harming her King’s soul mate but she blinks, letting the anger go. Now was not the time or place. “None of your business, and you are?” he snaps, glaring at her suspiciously. “Dora Milaje,” she responds vaguely, “and I am here on the behalf of King T’Challa.” “T’Challa can fuck off,” Tony snarls viciously and her eyebrows shoot up. “Excuse me,” she says in a dangerous tone. Soul mate or not she would not allow him to insult her King. “Anyone who is involved with Steve Rogers is no use to me,” he snaps. Her eyebrows remain raised, “I understand that Steve Rogers has caused you pain, but I do not understand how that extends to King T’Challa,” she says calmly. Perhaps too calmly but Stark either does not understand the danger or he does not care. Stark rolls his eyes, “I’ve spent the last five years dealing with people who blindly follow Steve Rogers around like a bunch of fucking lap dogs, I don’t need to have one more person tell me that I can never compare. I know that. No need to have anyone else remind me,” he says bitterly, his lip curling up in disgust. That changed things. “I here because the King is not sure what to believe about you. He and the Dora Milaje agree that the information about you is too conflicting to draw a reasonable conclusion. So I am here to try and find the truth, to see what you’re really like. I must admit that I do not like you,” she says honestly. Perhaps the man would take the honesty well. He does not, instead he flinches hard but the expression is gone very quickly. “Great, then you’re just like everyone else. Go report back to your king, tell him I’m as worthless as everyone says I am,” Tony says, turning and walking towards his kitchen. “I do not like many people, that does not mean that you are not a good person. And my personal opinion of you means little when you are not meant for me,” she says. Tony’s shoulders tense at that but he turns slowly to face her. “What do you want to know?” He looks exhausted, like he hasn’t slept in days and she supposes that it is very likely that he has not. The man had chronic insomnia and she suspected it made his very obvious PTSD worse. The dismissals from everyone else around him, including his closest friends, probably did not help the situation. “Why did you support the Accords?” she asks bluntly. Cutting to the heart of the issue was what she was good at, and it saved her time and effort beating around the bush. “Steve told me that I needed to trust people, to listen to them. He was right, so when the opportunity came to listen I did, or at least I tired but apparently that wasn’t right either,” he snaps bitterly, that disgusted look back on his face. “You feel guilty for Ultron,” she says and it is not a question. He flinches at the bot’s name, he certainly felt guilty for being the creator of such chaos. “Of course I do, who the fuck wouldn’t? I nearly ended the world when I ran that program and I should have said something to someone,” he says. She finds that curious, his anger at Steve and his acceptance that Steve was right in his conclusions about his communication skills or lack thereof. “But you did talk to someone, Dr. Banner. I know that he is currently missing but surely you count your communication with him as something,” she says. Banner appeared to be the only Avenger who was not adverse to Tony. The two bonded over science and Tony’s lack of fear of him. “Lot of good that did,” Tony mumbles. “But you spoke to him and he agreed that it was a good enough idea to try,” she says. “So what if I did? Everyone blamed me for it anyways, might as well take the blame. Bruce said it could go wrong and I didn’t listen, I should have.” He leans against the counter and sighs heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Just because your team blamed only you does not mean it was fair. It is not like they are lacking in recklessness and stupidity themselves. What kind of moron releases a brainwashed assassin onto the world? Steve Rogers is very lucky that seems to have had no consequences. And his taking the word of Bucky Barnes as proof of five other Winter Soldiers was not wise either, the man hardly knows what is real and what is not, he is still partially under the control of HYDRA conditioning. Only a fool would take the man’s word at face value. I believe that your holding off until you found real proof of the Winter Soldiers’ existence made you the most intelligent and clear headed of the group, at least in that moment. The rest of the team has far too much faith in a man who is living in nostalgia. Bucky Barnes does not, nor will he ever, exist again as Rogers knew him. He should accept that,” she says bluntly. It was a harsh truth, yes, but a man would never be the same after a trauma like that. Rogers himself was more than likely not the same man he used to be so he should not expect Bucky to be. He should also accept the reality of that trauma on his friend because living in his memories was not going to help Bucky Barnes. Accepting reality, no matter how harsh, was the only way to help Barnes heal from his wounds. It would not be easy for anyone but it was the most beneficial. “You… think I’m the smartest and most clear headed of the group?” Tony asks, looking beyond shocked. “In that moment, yes. You are not without your mistakes but that was not one of them. Tell me more about why you chose to support the Accords,” she says. This time Tony pauses for a long time and she lets him gather himself. It was important to make an accurate judgment. Finally Tony looks up, “Steve was right about listening to people. Sometimes I go too fast and I don’t think things through right, I’ve done it time and time again, even when I was supporting the Accords. I’ll make a snap decision that looks good at the time but I don’t talk to the people I’m supposed to be helping, I just make a decision and assume it’s for the best when it isn’t. I had one hundred and seventeen countries telling me to slow down and stop and I didn’t think that was something I should ignore. They weren’t making unreasonable requests, they just wanted a say in how we ran things and you can’t help people if you aren’t willing to listen to what they need you to do. I’ve learned that now,” he says. “Rogers thinks the best hands are still your own, you do not agree?” she asks, curious. Tony rolls his eyes, “no, he thinks the best hands are still his own, not our own regardless of what he says. You saw what happened when someone said no, it didn’t line up with his beliefs and instead of reaching out and asking to change things, or asking why things looked the way thy did he threw the whole damn thing out. Besides, if we’re talking histories here I have a near one hundred percent fail rate. The best hands aren’t my own so I thought maybe if I had someone else vetting my decisions they might be better but if that person isn’t Steve Rogers Steve doesn’t think it’s good enough.” Harsh words, but they were mostly true. She, too, found the Captain too rigid in his values. “And the agendas he spoke of?” she asks. He was not wrong for being suspicious of the government. They were corrupt, as near all systems were outside of Wakanda and even there they had their issues. At this Tony looks down, “I put too much faith in a system I know doesn’t really work that well. But we aren’t apolitical people, we know what the UN’s agendas were, they were clearly written on paper and we could have worked with that, used it to our advantage. But the fuck if I know what their agendas are. Natasha flip-flops more than a fucking fish out of water, so does Clint, I have no idea what Wanda’s thinking, you already know what I think of Steve, and Sam… well he’s an alright guy. I think he’s an idiot for following Steve around like a lost bird but he’s a good man. I know I made mistakes but that bullshit letter Steve sent me proves he doesn’t care.” She did not read the letter so she is unsure what he is talking about, “would you care to explain?” she asks, trying to be gentle. The man was raw, in pain, and it was bound to end badly for him. She was sure she had her answers but she was curious about the letter and more information would not hurt. “Oh he’s glad I’m back on the compound, obviously I moved back out, but he doesn’t like to think of me being alone because the Avengers were more mine than his. Pretty sure the fact that they’ve all always hated me minus maybe Bruce indicates that that’s a bunch of shit but whatever. And he has faith in people, in individuals? Really? Because I didn’t see any of that faith when people, individuals, were reaching out to us to talk to them and he slapped them down because what they wanted wasn’t what he wanted. And he’s never had faith in me. Never. I find it really hard to accept that he gives a damn about hurting my feelings, especially when he’s always assumed that I didn’t have any. And his stupid ‘I wish we agreed on the Accords but we didn’t so fuck you’ at the end was a real nice touch. He might as well have wrote ‘lol everything before this was a joke because I don’t really care what you think was right, it wasn’t what I think is right so you’re wrong’. At least we can both agree that he was a selfish prick keeping my parents’ deaths to himself,” he mumbles. So Tony Stark fell somewhere in between his public image and someone she did not know. He was clearly emotional, in pain, and that was not going to go well for him but he was not a bad person. He was not what the Avengers thought he was either. “You’re parents’ deaths?” she asks. “Yeah, I mean I can’t keep secrets or so he reminded me about a million times with that Ultron bullshit, but he can keep the fact that Barnes killed my parents to himself. Guess all the shit I do is totally fine if he does the same damn thing. I don’t listen and accidentally create Ultron I’m a problem, and that’s fair, but he can ignore the whole fucking world and that’s totally A-Okay with him. I can’t keep secrets, but it’s fine if he does. I can’t be suspicious of government structures without being labeled ‘insubordinate’ and ‘arrogant’ but when he does it it’s fine!”

The Truth Never Set Me Free (I Did It Myself) by TenSpencerRiedPlease

#mcu fanfiction #oh my if that doesn't ring true #whenever I do something it's bad #but when someone else does it it's ok #tony stark #steve rogers critical #mcu steve rogers critical #tony stark critical #? #he critiqued himself here so

[luninosity]

Okay, so, some Falcon and the Winter Soldier thoughts (will have some spoilers) for episodes two and three. General non-spoilery comment first: I feel like these were both *okay* episodes - neither as good as the first, but I didn’t dislike them, either. I’m still really curious to see how we’re going to wrap this all up in three more episodes; it doesn’t feel like we’re halfway done yet!

Okay, more spoiler-y notes below the Read More, not in any real order, just as I think and type. I’ll probably forget some things, but for now, here’re some thoughts...

--I like ep 3 slightly more than ep 2, mostly because of Zemo!

--I actually really love Zemo here (I liked him in Civil War, too): complex, sardonic, enjoying poking at people, a villain we do feel sympathy for even as he’s still sharp enough to remind us that he is a villain. Daniel Bruhl has always done a fantastic job flipping between calculated cruelty, wry humor - the whole “I am a Baron” moment was great - and pain that for him is still raw, about the loss of his family. (Some things’re awfully cliche - look, the supervillain’s playing chess and reading Machiavelli in his cell? really? - but, y’know...sure. Why not. We expect some cliches in the superhero genre, and this is an inoffensive one.)

--also Zemo dancing. That’s it. That’s everything.

--moving on from that: I’m also really liking how they’re writing John Walker. He does have charm, and there’s a certain amount of sympathy - especially as we see him worrying about filling the Captain America shoes, in ep 2 - but we’re also getting this really subtle sense of wrongness about him. He’s clearly vindictive and angry when things (and people) don’t act according to his mental script for them, and he’s willing to use his name and power to do things like get Bucky released...which in context and given our sympathies for Bucky is a good thing, but...it’s also an indicator of his willingness to do what he wants, because he can. (To be fair, Steve Rogers also often did that! - but Steve earned our trust, both in narrative and character. From his first introduction to WWII leadership experience to all the Avengers stuff, Steve consistently acts to protect people, and he’ll also listen if someone else has a good idea or if someone needs to talk, like with Wanda.) So I’m really liking this slow-fuse character development.

--mixed feelings about Sharon. I love that the show’s acknowledging how much she sacrificed for our main heroes, with no reward. On the other hand, she also clearly knew the consequences that could happen; she said as much at the time. The level of bitterness seems like a lot. But I’m also interested in everything we still don’t know about her - if she’s not the Power Broker herself, she’s obviously Up To Something. So that should be fun.

--hey, look at that X-Men location, with Majipoor! Also a nod to Wolverine’s favorite bar there, I think?

--I love heist and disguise plots!

--I also really like Bucky’s having to revert to the Winter Soldier - Sebastian Stan does it so brilliantly, with so many layers of emotion: not wanting to, loathing it, recognizing the necessity, shutting off all emotion and just coldly doing it, hurting but covering it up...just fantastic, and you know I love some hurt/comfort, and this seems like such a great set-up for emotional hurt

--but! this also seems like...a weird plot hole, kind of? Bucky’s pretty famous at this point, right? I imagine the criminal underworld knows he’s been pardoned and deprogrammed, right? or do they assume Zemo, with his knowledge of Hydra, still has some special control over him?

--along the same “this seems like someone didn’t think this through” path, Sam, you’re a professional, turn off your phone on a mission. Oh my god. Face-palmingly stupid - and I think somewhat lazy writing, as the writers plainly needed a giveaway, and went for the first idea they had. Even if it made a main character look incompetent.

--the Flag Smashers and Karli are...fine. They feel very Generic Marvel Villain - not the big space alien type, but the other type, the “I have a personal loss and motivating pain so I’m a little sympathetic but also Clearly Evil, watch me kill civilians so the audience won’t ever find me TOO sympathetic” type. Meh. Fine. Zemo’s more interesting, but...fine.

--Anthony Mackie is such a fantastic actor - every bit of his reaction to the Isaiah Bradley reveal is so good. The anger, pain, frustration, ferocity...heartbreaking. Actually that whole scene is so good - his emotions at discovering this secret history are palpable, and it’s so painful, because we also understand why Bucky would keep the secret - as someone who knows about pain and trauma and being experimented on, and knowing Isaiah wants to be left alone - we feel really deeply for both characters here, and it’s great.

--I actually liked the abrupt swing from the Isaiah Bradley encounter to the casual everyday racism of the cops on the street - is it subtle, no. But it’s not meant to be: it’s meant to be standing up and shouting about how not that much has really changed, and about how pervasive racism is. I know some reviews were all, “this was just too much!” or “too forced!” but...look, it needs to be shouted sometimes for people to hear.

--Bucky’s notebook being Steve’s, oh, ouch, my feelings. If I had the time and energy to write fic...

--(also, if I had the time and energy to write dark!fic: where’re my fics in which Zemo’s implication about the Winter Soldier “doing anything you want” gets played with? what or who does Bucky have to do to keep the undercover charade going? so many Bad Wrong Kinky power dynamics and explorations of consent and what this would do to Bucky’s head, here, and honestly I’d totally read them all, just saying.)

--Sam and Bucky together...I don’t know. This is one of the elements that I’m not actually a huge fan of, but I think it’s partly a personal genre / sense of humor thing that’s not clicking for me, personally, again. Like...

--I don’t find people shouting aggrievedly at each other to be funny? I’m not sure why it is.

--I mean, I get that they’re doing, like, eighties buddy cop movies, but...it got old really fast then, and it’s not something we needed to bring back. It’s not clever, and it’s...well, shouty and annoying.

--(I say this as someone who genuinely likes the first two Lethal Weapon movies...but the significant difference is, I think, we’re also shown in both those movies that Riggs and Murtaugh care about each other. They don’t want to be partners initially, and they don’t get along initially, and they do argue over tactics**...but they immediately feel responsible for each other and act to protect each other even as they argue, because it’s the right thing to do and we’re shown moments of them awkwardly trying to connect, because they both have that deep sense of...protectiveness...that makes them Good People - like, if they learn something that the other person needs to know, they tell each other. They protect each other’s families / love interests. So by the end of the second movie, with that fabulous character death fake-out, Murtaugh’s initial shock and grief is real and powerful and painful, and so is his genuine relief when the worst isn’t true - and it’s all earned.) (**however, they tend to argue tactics *before* jumping in - “is it 1, 2, 3, go on 3? or 3, then go?” And then once that’s established, they go ahead. That makes a difference as far as...well...competence and teamwork!)

--(Sam and Bucky, as far as I can tell, don’t do the above, and just...maybe shouldn’t be working together?)

--I also don’t find grown men acting like my youngest nephew, when he’s having a temper tantrum, to be funny. Staring contests? Random insults? Sulking in silence? Oh, grow up.

--(Also, yes, writers, we see you with the “couples therapy” and “get closer and make your legs touch” and “landing on top of each other as they hit the ground” moments. I, at least, personally, am very tired of...I don’t know that I’d call it queerbaiting exactly, but this idea that we’re supposed to find these moments funny...because why? Because, ooh, they’re two men getting close to each other, physically or emotionally? Why is this a thing we need to draw attention to? Do you think you’re doing some sort of fan service? Please either make Sam/Bucky happen or stop doing this.)

--both Sam and Bucky are highly competent and professional agents, or they should be. They should know how to work in the field - even with people they may not like - and adapt to shifting strategy, make best use of available assets, include people in the plan, etc. I can’t help but compare this to something like, say, Leverage, which also has a team who mocks each other and makes jokes but clearly absolutely respects each other’s capabilities, has a plan going in and tells everyone what the plan is, and adapts (and trusts each other to adapt) on the fly as necessary, and does it all without random insults about someone’s (PTSD-related) staring and “robot brain”.

--one of the very specific moments that bothers me a lot is the ending of the therapy scene (yay for showing heroes in therapy! but also I’m pretty sure she’s...not a great therapist?). Bucky finally opens up and says something real, about his own self-doubt and wondering whether Steve was wrong about him....and Sam just...brushes it off and goes, “we’re done here,” basically. Not only does that feel wildly out of character for former counselor Sam, it feels cruel. I really deeply dislike that moment the more I think about it. Makes me want to scream.

--Sam insults Bucky way more than the other way around. It’s starting to feel very one-sided (it’d be better if more clearly reciprocal, though it’s still not a dynamic that’s my favorite), and again, feels out of character - maybe this is Anthony Mackie’s sense of humor, but Sam isn’t Mackie, and Bucky isn’t Seb, and it reads as...a weird unbalanced power-trip thing to me. And also out of character for Sam, who can be sarcastic (”If you guys eat that sort of thing,” about breakfast, when Steve and Nat have randomly shown up at his door) but that’s not the same as just throwing unprovoked insults at a person who’s trying to recover from trauma, and a lot of those insults seem to center on things that were done to Bucky, that he had no choice in (the staring, the arm, etc), and that feels....it just feels mean, to me. Make fun of things he’s had a choice in / can do something about, if you have to - hair, clothes, liking “old people’s games” like gin rummy or pinochle, not knowing who Beyonce is, I don’t know, there are so many options that aren’t cruel! Do that instead. Let Bucky have a good comeback for once, too!

--the action scenes are action scenes. Also fine.

--Sam might be right about destroying the shield, and the show may even be (unintentionally?) setting that up as the best outcome, but that’s a problem for the future, Sam; get it back first. Also it’s a problem you caused by giving the shield up - did you really trust the government to leave it unused in a museum? You’re not that naive.

--overall, it’s...a perfectly fine show, so far, I think? Solid, and interesting, but not great. I think some of what doesn’t work for me is because it doesn’t work for me personally, as far as the shouty insult-heavy action “comedy” bits that I’m not enjoying, but I think they’re doing what they aimed for with it, so in that sense, I guess it’s working? There’s a lot of really cool stuff around the edges - John Walker, Isaiah Bradley, that Dora Milaje stinger, the bigger world of a history interwoven with racism and superpowers, the chillingly effective use of Bucky’s past - but I wish I liked the central Sam-Bucky relationship more. Individually they’re wonderful - they’ve both had such powerful scenes dealing with family, trauma, and consequences - but I feel like, in the effort to do the buddy comedy dynamic, the writing has just made me really sure that they actually genuinely don’t like each other? To such an extent that if they show any affection / caring / interest in each other in the last three episodes, it won’t be believable. (I mean Sam and Bucky, not Mackie and Seb. Mackie and Seb’re adorable.)

--I just want to think about Zemo dancing some more.

#the falcon and the winter soldier #tfatws spoilers #spoilers #fatws spoilers #thoughts

[cassiopeiassky]

When Everything’s Made to be Broken (I Just Want You to Know Who I Am) Part 54

Hey look at me go, it hasn’t even been a month since my last update (yes, my bar is that low)! Hey I hope you are all doing alright.  These are scary times, remember to do your best to take care of you, I know it isn’t easy.  Be as kind as you can to yourself - you deserve it.

So this part is dedicated to @iwillbeinmynest - happy late birthday, my darling Kate!  I hope it’s worth the wait <3

This part is also dedicated to the great Stan Lee.  The world he created gave me a safe place to escape to when my own world was too dark to survive.  I owe him so much, and this chapter is so unworthy but it’s all I’ve got.  I can only hope that he’d get a kick out of his cameo. 

Plot:  When you inadvertently become a witness to a murder and are suddenly a target for death, it takes a specially skilled soldier and his team to keep you and your family safe.

This will eventually be a is a reader x Bucky fic. The reader, by the way, is a civilian. No super powers, no fighting skills, and by no means perfect.  

Word count: 4891 

Warnings:

For the entire work:  Language (I have a potty mouth), violence, and angst.  This will probably get pretty dark later on, and there will be smut.  If that’s not your thing, you may want to avoid this story.

Additional warnings specific to this part: Feels and emotions. Therapy, mentions of trauma.  They’re dealing with the aftermath now, so there are parts that are kinda heavy.  

***I do not own any of the lyrics/music in this story, so please don’t sue me for using them***

Tags moved to the end.

WEMtbB Masterlist

Previously on WEMtbB:

“Look, I think it’s safe to say that we all know you can take care of yourself.  You don’t have to take it if you don’t want to.”  The covers slide down, showing his torso as he sits up to face you.  “That said, I’d like to remind you about a certain conversation we had at home about us taking care of each other.  I know I didn’t specifically include my team at the time, but they’re your team now, too. They’re your family.  You know this.  It’s okay to let us take care of you – shit, Sweetheart, you take care of us all the time.”

“Okay, but cooking dinner for everyone isn’t the same thing as a credit card.”

“Doll, you don’t want to eat Stark’s cooking.  Please, I beg you, let him reciprocate with American Express.  You can’t get food poisoning that way.”  The look in his blue eyes would be comical if he didn’t seem quite so serious.

You’re still uneasy about having access to someone else’s money, but you reluctantly concede.  They are family – Thanksgiving and Christmas should have already proven that to you, even before they did what they did to save you. Still…pride, independence, and your improved but still deeply embedded insecurities are trying to make their insidious whispers into roars.  “It’s weird,” you finally mutter as you fiddle with one of your stuffie’s satin lined ears.

He snorts and nods.  “I got a metal arm and Stevie and I both have three digits to our age, Banner goes from mild mannered doctor to a big green rage monster when necessary, Stark flies around the world in glorified soda can, and I haven’t even introduced you to the witch, the god, the floating red guy, and the…I don’t know, whatever the hell Loki is.  Trust me, Stark giving you a credit card so you have a little bit of freedom while you’re here is the least weird thing about this situation.”

Well, when he puts it that way…

“Why is it so loud?” Bucky watches as you pace in front of the expansive bedroom window, phone at your ear.  The ringing is practically echoing, it’s distracting and –

“Breathe for me, Sweetheart.”  Steady hands grip your shoulders, interrupt your restless movement, and kinda sorta help to ground you.

Shit.  Your heart is hammering almost as loud as –

“Hello?” Familiar.  Hopeful.  Safe. You should reply, tell her that it’s you, but you’re too busy hanging on to the sound of her voice.  “Hello?  Hello?!” Annoyed.  Indignant.  Already ready to hang up.

Your lips finally allow a smile at the sound.  Seriously, your mom has the patience of a 2-year-old on a sugar high.  It’s good to know at least this hasn’t changed.  

Right then and there, you promise yourself to never again take her phone calls for granted.  “Hi, Mom.”

Silence.  Then tears, followed by questions, answers, questions, answers. You weren’t sure you’d ever hear her voice again, so she has to occasionally repeat things because you were so focused on the sound of her talking – you had to repeat several times too, and you’re sure for the same reason.  Yes, you’re safe.  Yes, you’re sure.  Yes, the boys are doing well, and they miss you like crazy.  Yes, your mom followed the instructions of the team and kept things quiet.  No, she wasn’t happy about it.  Yes, Wanda and Vision are still there – they are going to help your mom with the transition of your return and letting the rest of the family know what happened.  Yes, the boys finally settled into a routine and their sleep schedule is back to somewhat normal.  Yes, you were shot in the leg but you’re healing well.  Yes, you should be home soon.  Yes, you’ll give her the details later.  Yes, you really are safe.  Really.

Loud giggles and doors slamming break through the stream of conversation and your heart moves back up to your throat.  It feels life forever since their voices graced your ears and you can’t wait to see what they have to say.  But you’re not ready.  What if -

Tears and a smile are in your mom’s voice.  “Grandpa and the boys just got back from the coffee shop – he was showing them off to the other old hens again.  Do you want to talk to them?”

Mouth suddenly dry, you nod, but that doesn’t do any good.  She can’t see you because you’d decided to call rather than use video chat; although much better than it was, your skin is still healing and you don’t have any make up yet to hide the fading bruises.

“Honey?”

“Yeah, Mom.  Put them on, please.”  Bucky leads you to sit at the edge of the bed before climbing up behind you to rub your shoulders.

“Breathe, Sweetheart.” Bucky’s steady presence is a lifeline. The gentle admonition brings you back – breathe in, breathe out.  Almost giggle when you hear your mom swear and fumble with putting the phone on speakerphone; there’s a good possibility the boys have learned some new language.

“MommaMommaMomma!!”

As quietly as you can, you choke down the sob that is steadily working its way out.  God you’d missed Jimmy’s voice.

“Hi, baby.  I love you so much.”  It’s all you can manage just now.

“I love you, Momma!  I miss you.  Come home now!”  in your mind’s eye you can see his dimples, how he’s trying to cradle the phone to his ear because he doesn’t quite get the idea of speakerphone, how he’s probably jumping up and down.  His words are clearer than they were when you left…how much has he grown?  How much did you miss?

“Have you been having fun with Grandma and Grandpa?”

“Yep!  We went with Grandpa.  We got donuts!  And uncle Jerry was there!  He gave us a toy.  Come home now, Momma.  I want to show you something!”

Every bit of your focus goes to listening to your son, to his words and trying to decipher just how much he’s changed in the weeks you’ve been apart.  He clearly had an explosion in his language development and it kills you that you missed it.  “I’m working on it, baby.  I’ll be home soon.”

“Bucky?  Bucky, too?”

That brings a smile to your face – you should have known.  “Yes, Bucky, too.”

Your mom breaks in, sounding more than a little concerned.  “Are you sure you’re really safe?”

“Yeah, I am.  I promise.”  You’ll tell her a million times if you need to.  

“So then why is he coming home with you?  Why do you still need the protection?”

Oh, shit.  Right.  She doesn’t know.  This conversation should probably happen in person.  “Um…I’ll explain later.  But I promise, everything is fine.  Hey, can you put Artie on the phone?”

“Honey, he, um,” in the background you can just barely make out the sound of your dad trying to convince Artie to come out of the bathroom, “he’s –“ an ungodly screech pierces the air, “he’s just –“

“He’s mad.  He doesn’t want to talk to me.”  Damn.  It hurts just as much as you thought it would.  “It’s okay, Mom.”  It’s not. Not at all.  “I’ll try again later.”  That’s the truth, at least.

“He just needs a little time.  He took it really hard when you had to go.  Well, they both did, but Artie especially.  I couldn’t convince him that you were trying to come back.”  She knows what happened, at least the broad outline of it; there’s no judgement in her voice.  “He, uh, he thought –“

Might as well just say it and spare your mom the discomfort.  “That I left just like his daddy.”

There’s a long pause before she finally answers.  “Yeah.”

What can you even say to that?  You certainly don’t blame him – you’d had that very thought yourself.

Jimmy’s earnest little voice breaks in, “Momma, Artie loves you.  He’s bein’ a butt right now.  But he loves you.”  He’s a perceptive little man; it’s good to know that’s still the same.  A sob and a chuckle mix ungracefully, but that’s okay. And since when did Jimmy start calling people ‘butts?’

“Thank you, baby.  Um, Mom?”

Her sheepish voice comes across just a second later.  “Sorry, honey.  He probably got that from me.”

A laugh, small but genuine, comes out.  “That’s okay. I learned all my best phrases from you, so I guess we’ll just call it the family legacy.”  Deep breath in.  Out.  “Hey, I should get going.  I need to get my leg checked out before I meet with the person coordinating my mental health recovery care.”

“I – okay, honey.  I love you so much, and I’m so glad you’re safe.”

“I love you, too, Mom. Jimmy?”

“I love you, Momma!  I don’t want you to go.  Come back.  Please?” His cheerful excitement is replaced with an almost palpable desperation, and just like that, your heart breaks all over again.  

“Yes, baby, I’m coming home soon.  I’ll call you later today, okay?”

“Promise?”  He sounds suspicious but hopeful.

“Yes, I promise.”

“Okay.”  Jimmy sounds resigned, and you can hear your mom prompting him in the background.  “Love you, Momma.”

“I love you, too, Jimmy. So much.”

“Later today?  Before bed?  You will call?”

“Yes, Jimmy.  I promise.”

“Okay bye!”

There’s just a bit of silence before your mom’s voice comes back.  “He’s going to be okay, honey.  They both will.”

You can only hope.  Swallowing hard, you continue, “Hey, can you please put the phone by wherever Artie can hear me?”

“Yes…here you go.”

“Artie?  Baby?”  There’s no response, but you knew there wouldn’t be.  “Artie, I love you so much.  I’m so sorry that I had to leave, but I promise I’m coming back.  Okay?  I love you so, so much.  It’s okay that you’re mad.  I understand. I will call later today, and if you feel like talking, I’ll be here to listen, okay?”  Still no answer.  You will never know how you managed to keep the devastation out of your voice.  “Okay.  It’s okay. I love you, baby.”

Footsteps, and then, “He loves you, too.  He does.”

You nod, even though she can’t see you.  “I know, Mom.”

“It’s just going to take some time.”

“I know.”  You hope, anyway.

“You’ll call later?”

“Yes, absolutely.”

“Alright honey, you take care of yourself and get better, okay?  We all miss you.”

“I know.  I miss you, too.  I miss you so much.”  You stop to clear the thickness out of your throat, “I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, too.”

It’s too hard to say goodbye, so instead you just end the call and put the phone down.  Time to get ready for the rest of the day.

* * *

“Do not hold your breath, dear one.  Breathe through the movement,” Galina coaches gently as she guides you through some strength exercises.  

You’ve already been at this for 45 minutes, and you still can’t get over the fact that your leg doesn’t hurt like you think it should.  There’s a deep, almost bone shaking ache to it now that you’ve been pushing yourself a bit, but it certainly isn’t what you would have expected from a recovering bullet wound.

“Good,” she watches with an eagle eye as you correct your breathing, “very good.”

“This is weird.  I’m not complaining, but my brain just seems to not want to accept that my leg is better than it thinks it should be.”

She laughs a little as she taps some notes into her tablet.  “I suppose it makes sense that there is a bit of dissonance between your brain and body; most patients with this type of injury would still be recovering in the surgical ward. You are very lucky to have received Dr. Cho’s patch.  I have seen injuries like yours that have resulted in a lifelong limp, and that was with good care and a qualified physical therapist.”

It hurts your heart to think of the things she’s seen – legs with a permanent limp seem like the least of the potential horrors.  You finish your reps, then rise to stand next to her.  “Thank you for taking care of me, Galina.  I really do appreciate it.”

Her hand reaches to cup your cheek, “Dear one, it is my pleasure.  Thank you for allowing me.  It cannot be easy given everything you have been through.”

It baffles you how she can be so concerned about you – she’s lost everyone she loved most, and it makes you wonder how she can keep going, how she can even smile.  Throwing any sense of formality to the wayside, you pull Galina into an impromptu hug.  It’s easy to see she doesn’t mind.  You’re far from the only person in this building that is in the process of healing.

When she pulls away, you’d swear there are tears in her eyes but you don’t get the opportunity to ask before she starts speaking.  “Would you like to join me for some coffee?  Or do you need some rest before you meet with Dr. Lee?”

“I’d actually love some company – and the caffeine is a bonus.  Bucky said he’d probably be at least 2 hours with his therapist, and I’m trying not to sleep during the day so I can get back to a normal sleep schedule.”

“Mmm,” Galina nods drily, “Jetlag is a heartless bitch, yes?”

You burst out laughing at her comment.  It feels good.  “It is. It really is.”

* * *

“I don’t know why I’m so nervous, Buck.  It isn’t like I’ve never seen a therapist before.”  The two of you are standing outside the room serving as an office for Dr. Lee, and there’s a heavy dread hanging over you at the prospect of walking through that door.  “I mean, for fuck’s sake, I want to be one.  What is my problem?”

Bucky rubs your back as he holds you close.  “Do you want me to stay with you?”

The deep breath you take fills your lungs with his comforting smell, grounding you.  “Mmm,” your voice is muffled from having your face smushed into his shirt, “that’s actually really tempting.”  The breath is released in a somewhat defeated sigh, “But I need to do this on my own.  I, um, I also don’t want you to have to relive my experience.”  You can feel that he’s about to protest, so you quickly continue, “I know you’d go – and I thank you for it – but I don’t know that I can be completely open and honest with my therapist if you were there because I’d want to protect you from hearing it.”  Shrugging as you take a step back, you meet his troubled eyes, “I know you know what happened.  But that doesn’t mean I want you to hear me say it.  And yes,” you cut him off before he can interrupt, “we will talk about it. In time.  It’s not that I’m trying to keep anything from you because I’m not. I just –“

“It’s different when you’re talking to a therapist.”

“Yeah,” you sigh, relieved that he understands.  “It’s different.”

A hug and a kiss and five minutes later find you sitting across from an older gentleman with thick 70s style glasses.  His kindly smile flashes beneath a thick, grey mustache as he rolls up the sleeves of his sweater.

You feel like you need to say something to fill the silence.  “Um, thank you for meeting with me, Dr. Lee.”

“Oh,” his smile is meant to put you at ease, and it does, somewhat.  “No need to be formal.  Please, call me Stan.”

Nodding, you swallow hard.

He begins with explaining how this will work – he’s having this meeting with you in order to pair you with a suitable therapist from his team, who then will fly in later today to begin working with you tomorrow.  Stan and his partner will remain onsite with you and Bucky as long as you are in New York, and will then do remote sessions for as long as needed.  He’s happy to work with you if for whatever reason your therapist doesn’t work out, although he prefers under normal circumstances not to work with both halves of a couple.  This doesn’t faze you – it’s pretty standard practice.  

Next are the inventories – of course you score astronomically high on the anxiety inventory and moderately high on the PTSD inventory, but surprisingly low on the depression inventory.  By the time you’re finished discussing them and your one month, three month, and six month goals, you’re fairly comfortable with Stan.  He’s nice and gives off a sort of wise, grandfatherly type vibe.  You can see why Bucky thinks so highly of him.

Then it gets ugly, but you knew it would.  In broad strokes you begin telling him of your experience.  Every now and then he asks for more details or clarification, but for the most part he just listens and makes occasional notes.  

Starting at the beginning brings some happy memories, once you get past the whole watching someone die and then having someone shoot at you part.  Yeah, saying goodbye to your mom was hard, but you still had hope that you’d see her again someday.  Then there was getting to know Bucky and the team.  Did you expect to find a best friend and fall in love with him?  Did you expect that this group of extraordinary individuals – people that you found intimidating and at first wrongly assumed you’d have absolutely nothing in common with – would become family?  God, no.  But you did, and they did.  There was fear and uncertainty, but there was also joy, acceptance, and love.  At the safehouse, in the most unexpected way, you found healing and a deep peace you’d never known before.

But then you recount falling sick from Metzger’s poison and the indescribable pain of leaving your kids…and Bucky.  As you describe Anatoliy and Nikolai Krakken – their threats, their causal cruelty, their laughter – you break into a cold sweat.  Nausea comes in waves with mentioning Grigory and Alric Metzger, and you’re almost drowning again in helpless desperation when you remember how they read Bucky’s second set of trigger words and the things they made him do.  You mostly stay away from the complicated confusion regarding Bucky’s part in your rescue; at this point you know you love him and that you harbor no resentment – you meant it when you said there was nothing to forgive – so the rest of the feelings that you can’t quite figure out can wait.  

You tell Stan of being locked in that godawful room for days on end under endless threats of harm, and the waiting.  God, the waiting – waiting to see what they would make Bucky do next, waiting to see if he did it, waiting to see when they would finally follow through with their terrible implications.  Then of course there were the little ways they would humiliate you, the dehumanizing way they refused to let anyone use your name, the misery of the formal dinners they forced you to attend…and…and the…the uh…    

Mikhail.

Stan keeps telling you that you’re okay, that you’re safe.  You know this is true on some level, but you sure as hell can’t feel it without –

“Bucky,” you finally gasp, and Stan acquiesces immediately.

Bucky must have been just down the hall, because his arms are around you within a minute of Stan’s call. It’s strange, you think, that the tighter he squeezes the easier it is for you to breathe.

When the room finally feels like it has enough air for the three of you, you continue, “I’m sorry, Stan. I didn’t expect to be quite this fragile.”

Even though you’re looking down into your lap, you can feel two sets of eyes boring into your skull.

Stan clears his throat. “You said you were going to school? You want to be a therapist?”

You nod first, then answer almost absentmindedly, “Uh huh.”

“Mmm.  Would you expect one of your clients to apologize for their emotional reaction while describing their trauma?”  As pointed as his question is, Stan’s voice is gentle.

He’s not going to let you not reply, so you give him the obvious answer.  “No.  Of course not.”

“So do you think it’s reasonable for you to expect yourself to not be, as you put it, fragile?”

“Um…”  You can practically feel Bucky daring you to deflect. “No.”

When you finally look up, Stan is nodding.  “Right. Cut yourself some slack.  Don’t hold yourself to expectations that you wouldn’t expect others to meet.”

He’s right.  You know he’s right.  “Easier said than done.”

“But not impossible,” he winks.  “You and Bucky are remarkably similar in this aspect.  With you, you’ve got extremely high expectations for yourself.  With him, it’s –“ Stan looks to Bucky, “May I discuss your progress a bit?”

“I already said you could,” Bucky smiles, then takes out his phone when it buzzes.  His features twist into something unfamiliar, but only for a second.  Turning to you, he apologetically shows you the screen.  “Nat’s here.”  His voice is tight; he tries to hide it but you know him too well.  “She got impatient and wants to take you shopping this afternoon.  What would you like me to tell her?”

“If I may,” Stan looks to you both, “I would recommend that you go shopping.  Today.”  His face is stern as he looks to Bucky.  “With Nat. And only Nat.”

Bucky manages to look both nauseous and sheepish as you glance between the two.

His phone buzzes again as you bite your lip.  “Um, I’ll go.”  You can’t say that you feel great about it; in fact, the idea of being separated from Bucky is mildly terrifying, but that’s kind of Stan’s point.  

“Good.  Bucky, go ahead and meet Nat while I finish up here. Have lunch together, and when they go shopping, you come here for your next session.”

Bucky nods but looks to you before moving.

“I’ll be okay, Buck.” Surprisingly, this feels like the truth. “Go ahead, I’ll join you when I’m done.”

“Alright.”  Bucky hesitantly gets up, but stoops to press a kiss against your forehead.  “I’ll see you soon.”  He clearly doesn’t want to go, but his respect for you eventually wins.

It’s quiet while he exits, but then Stan allows himself an almost satisfied smile.  “You know, Bucky doesn’t give himself enough credit.  I’m not sure if it’s the serum – if it also helps strengthen the mind as well as the body – but when he allows himself to be, he’s one of the most mentally and emotionally healthy people I’ve ever met, and I don’t just mean in spite of his trauma.  He knows what to do, he knows how to communicate, which is especially important.  The problem is, he sometimes gets in his own way.  Kind of like you and your unrealistically high expectations for yourself. I think for a long time it was a way to punish himself, almost a self-sabotage.  He’d learned to deal with the trauma but not so much the guilt.  He felt guilty not only about what he’d done while under HYDRA control, but also for falling victim to the torture in the first place – something he recognized no one else could have survived much less ignored, but he still wouldn’t even consider forgiveness for himself.  He felt guilty because he thought he should have been strong enough to withstand it.  Normally the guilt and trauma would go hand in hand, and dealing with one would deal with the other, but not in Bucky’s case.  He’d managed to separate them and not allowing himself to deal with the guilt was holding him back.”  Stan picks up a pen and starts tapping it against his chin, “He always wanted to get better, to be better.  He just couldn’t always convince himself that he deserved it.  You, though, you were – and are – his motivation to stop punishing himself and let go of the guilt.  Seeing and working with him today,” Stan shakes his head, “in spite of his new trauma, the improvement I see in him is incredible.  He wants to get better, but more importantly, he’s allowing himself to get better.  He’s stepping out of his way.”  Stan narrows his eyes at you, “Just like you need to do.  And that’s only going to happen if you cut yourself some slack. Perfection is an illusion and it has no place in healing.”

“I know,” you exhale heavily.

“Do you?”

“Yeah,” you admit, “I do.” Your being hard on yourself isn’t exactly a secret, even to you.

“So what would you tell me if our positions were switched?”

You sort of hate the way he’s going about this, but at the same time you have to admit it’s effective. “I’d tell you that all of your reactions are perfectly normal and that your emotions are valid.  I’d tell you to remember that progress isn’t linear, and that having a bad day, week, or even month doesn’t mean progress isn’t being made. I’d let you know that being with a therapist is a very specific type of vulnerability, and that it’s okay to feel and express those emotions.”

“And?”

“It’s okay to need help. And other people.”

Stan leans back in his chair, seemingly satisfied.  Smug bastard. “Good.  Well, I think I’ve got a good grasp on your particular needs, so I’ll have one of my colleagues, Dr. Patrice Cortez, fly in tonight.  I think she’ll be a great match for you – we graduated in the same class and have been working together ever since, but she specializes in women’s trauma.  I will still be available to you, of course, but as long as you are comfortable with her when you meet her tomorrow, she’ll be your primary therapist.”

“Okay.”  Genuinely grateful, you smile.  “Thank you very much.”  Suddenly exhausted, it takes a monumental effort to begin to rise.

“One more thing.”  He waits until you sit back into the couch. “And this is something I’ve addressed with Bucky, but since you’re here I’d like to mention it to you, too.”

“Okay.”

Stan looks up at the ceiling like he’s physically searching for the right words, “Your relationship is nothing short of extraordinary.”

Oh boy, here it comes. You know it’s coming from your mom, but you didn’t quite expect it here.  Well, maybe you did.  A little. “Are you going to tell me that it’s superficial and based on stressful circumstances, and that it won’t last in the real world?” You’d bristle if you had the energy, but as it is it just comes out flat.  

“What?  No, God no,” he speaks quickly, “Although that does happen. And I’d say that a majority of bonds that are formed under such stress don’t survive because they’re based on necessity, and once the necessity is gone, so is the bond.  I don’t think that’s the case with you and Bucky, though. It’s fairly obvious that you were friends first, and that your relationship is built on that.  Unusual circumstances threw you together, but the friendship grew organically, if quickly.”

You relax, just a bit. It’s been on your mind; not that you doubt your feelings – or Bucky’s – but you do know how it looks.  And just like the first night the team found out, your relationship with Bucky is something you’re prepared to defend.

“The thing I wanted to mention is the danger of co-dependency.”

Ah.  That makes sense.

“You two have been through a lot.  A lot. And it’s good and important that you can lean on one another, inspire and encourage each other, and grow together. But it’s also important that you grow on your own.  You are two individuals sharing a life.  If you can’t thrive separately, then in trying to thrive together you will choke each other out.”

You nod – he’s not wrong.

“Did Bucky mention that he is having a difficult time with the idea of you going shopping with Nat?”

You think for a moment. “No, but I guess I assumed it wouldn’t even happen until tomorrow, so we really haven’t talked about it at all.”

“He is.  He’s struggling with the idea of you being without his protection, even though you are certainly more than safe with Nat. Bucky is almost paralyzed with fear that he will lose you.  And I can see that the idea bothers you as well.”

“Yeah,” you admit.  “Even though everyone seems to agree that the threat is over, it’s still scary.”

“It is.  It absolutely is.  But is it healthy for either of you to live in that fear?”

Exhaling deeply, you answer honestly.  “No.  It isn’t.”

“Right.  Although it is certainly understandable, it isn’t healthy. Now, I’m not suggesting that you two separate.  Quite the contrary, actually.  It’s just something to be cognizant of, something to keep in mind as you start the healing process.  Push your boundaries early and often, and I think you’ll surprise yourself.  You are both incredibly resilient people.”

“I, um, I do worry that I’ll get too needy, if I’m not already.  And then sometimes I worry that I’ll push him away.”

“And he worries that he’ll suffocate you with his desire to see you safe.  It’s why he asked me today to make sure I have a session planned with him when you go out, although I think he also expected it would be tomorrow.”

Another deep exhale.  

“The therapy program we’re putting together for you two is pretty intense.  But for what it’s worth, I think you’re both on the right track. Just make sure you allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling – but be careful of focusing too much on the bad because your anxiety can and will manipulate your perceptions.  Remember that it’s okay to feel contradicting emotions, and trust yourself.  Rest in each other and support each other, but don’t depend on each other for healing. That’s something you need to do on your own.  Perhaps together in parallel fashion, but still individually.”

“Hearing this is oddly comforting,” you admit.

“Based on what I’ve seen, I think it’s because it’s stuff you already know.  I also suspect that it was perhaps how you two operated before you were taken, but after what you went through you just need to feel like you have permission to put it back into practice.”

Why does everything make so much sense when Stan says it?  “You know, I think you’re right.  I – I don’t think I’ve ever worked with a therapist like you, either through school or personally.  You’re very effective.”

He smiles broadly, “Well, being on the team serving the Avengers is fairly unconventional, and sometimes we have to modify programs in unusual ways to fit our clients’ unique needs. Which is what any good practitioner should do, really.”  He shrugs, “But rest assured that our methods are grounded in evidence-based practice, and that my entire team is held to the strictest standards regarding ethics and client outcomes.”  Stan leans forward, eyes sparkling, “And we have very good outcomes.  It’s going to take some work, but you, my dear, are going to be just fine.  And so is Bucky.”

You find yourself nodding. You believe him.

@hellomissmabel @howdoesoneadult  @nykitass @danimuhle @iwillbeinmynest  @shifutheshihtzu @passiononfire  @learisa @widowvinter  @kaaatniss @ladylizzieofdarbyshire @denialanderror  @k-nighttt @givemethatgold @manders2487 @afangirlrambles @polkadottedpillowcase @bluebrrn @saysay125  @aikibriarrose @saharzek @mmauricee @imhereforbvcky  @whenallsaidanddone @supernatural508  @scarlettsoldier  @natalie-nightcourt  @im-beautifully-sewn  @lovemarvelousfics  @feistytravel  @tbetz0341  @nearly-whitches  @jamie-leah  @shliic  @dessinemoiunehistoire  @lucywinchester2000  @solarbarnes  @a-proper-chicken  @movingonto-betterthings @seekingkairos    @part-time-patronus  @natashasnight   @fairislesheets @beccaanne814 @jamesbarnesappreciationclub  @scottish-pepper

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky imagine #my work #when everything's made to be broken (i just want you to know who i am) #part 54 #wemtbb

[aquaticalay]

Centurion .Chapter Two.

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Sequel to For Something Greater

Summary: (Y/n) is an active duty Navy SEAL Commander, the first and only woman to ever become a SEAL. After successfully stopping a genocide with the help of the Avengers, she becomes a bridge between the military and the earth's mightiest heroes. But even as her relationship with Bucky grows, she decides not to tell him about the nightmares and trauma that haunt her. Both their secrets begin to unravel when Bucky accidentally stumbles upon a piece of dangerous information about (Y/n) that she doesn't know about herself— something she must never find out about.

Genre: Action, Drama, Romance

Warning/s for the series: cursing, violence, death, eventual smut, PTSD.

Warning/s for the chapter: mentions of anxiety symptoms and death.

Word count: 2.4k

Note: The plot is heavily inspired by the song 'in the dark' by Bring Me The Horizon, and 'Mercy' by Muse. So yeah, go listen to it if you want to :)))  I'll post a new chapter every two days.

THIS IS A SEQUEL TO FOR SOMETHING GREATER,' SO IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THAT, THE LINK TO THE MASTERLIST IS IN MY BIO.

Let me know if you want to be in the taglist!

(Taglist will be reblogged)

TRIGGER WARNING! THIS SERIES REVOLVES AROUND POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER. (Including, but not limited to: anxiety/panic attacks, extreme mood swings , nightmares, intrusive thoughts, insomnia, irritability, hypervigilance, and hyperarousal)

Gif is from 'in the dark' mv by Bring Me The Horizon

You arrived in SEAL team 6 Headquarters in Seattle an hour early. You decided to use your precious time to change into a set of military issued clothes: A green shirt and cargo pants. Very practical.

You entered the briefing room fifteen minutes early. Everyone else was already seated around the mahogany table; Diego Miller, Logan McCoy, Collin Harris, and Nolan Woods. 

They greeted you with a salute, standing up from their seats. You returned the gesture, a habit you've picked up after a million times of doing it. “At ease,” you said assertively, and they sat back down. You heard a clank hit the ground. Suddenly, you tensed. You had to remind yourself it was just Miller's prosthetic leg to calm yourself down. To remind yourself that this room is secure, that there is no threat here.

 You took your usual seat, between Harris and McCoy. 

“How’s Mia?” you ask Harris. 

Mia was his feisty five-year old daughter. When he adopted her, heappointed you her godmother.

Mia was sweet and strong, learning and following her father’s example quickly. She also got quite attached to you fairly fast. The last time you met her was a month ago, right before your peacekeeping mission. You went to their place to give Harris a ride to SEAL team 6 headquarters. Before you knew it, she was running into your arms excitedly, “Auntie (Y/n)!” She exclaimed, scrambling up for you to carry her. “Hello, Mia,” you greeted, pushing her curly black hair to you could see her adorable face clearly. She had a button nose, one of her most striking features. Her skin was dark, the color of a pine cone, and her eyes were almost pitch black. You were sure she will grow up to be a strong and beautiful young woman. “Where’s Uncle Bucky?” She tilted her head.

Mia was infatuated with Bucky. At first, He didn’t know what to make of the child. He didn’t have experience with kids, and he was scared of hurting her. It wasn’t long before he eased into interactions with Mia, letting her stick fridge magnets on his metal arm, spelling out random words on it like 'cake' or 'kandy.'

“She’s asking for you,” Harris answered with a grin, “she misses her Aunt (Y/n) and Uncle Bucky.”

You chuckle at the thought of her looking for you, and Harris making some silly, probably magical, excuse to avoid disappointing her. 

“How’s Barnes? And the rest of the Avengers?”

You shrugged. “Bucky is fine,” you said shortly, “And Sam and Wanda are doing fine, too. Didn’t meet anyone else, though.”

When Harris met you, he was a wide-eyed 17-year old boy aspiring to be the best sailor he can possibly be. He has known you long enough to read emotions through your voice. He could tell you wanted more time to rest, to spend time with the person you love. You needed a break, both mentally and physically. It was so obvious  a blund man could see.

“This mission won’t be long,” he reassured, somewhat trying to comfort you in ways that he can. You nodded, hoping that he is right.

Before you knew it, a Special Operations Command Officer walked in the room to brief you for the mission. You recognize her almost immediately. Her quirky smile was unmistakable.

Naomi Tanaka. She was an old friend who trained alongside you in Navy bootcamp, one of the only people who believed you could become a SEAL. One of the only people who had faith. One of the reasons you took the risk. It paid off, didn't it?

You hadn’t seen her for a long time, since she just finished recovering from her gender reassignment surgery. 

You gave her a knowing nod, a greeting. She acknowledged it with a smile, mouth drawn from ear to ear; it was sincere.

The briefing went well. Tanaka explained the mission pretty clearly. She told you that there was an abandoned Hydra genetics lab in an old Soviett Union military base in Ukraine, and your job was to bring back intel and information, as well as making sure it was really abandoned. 

“Wheels up in an hour,” Tanaka ordered. 

When she dismissed the team, your squadron scrambled out into the locker room to prepare themselves. One hour wasn’t a lot of time, but it has to be enough.

You trailed slower behind to talk to Tanaka. You wanted to exchange a few words with your old friend.

You hugged her enthusiastically. “How are you?” You asked.

She let a joyous smile take over her expression. “Never felt better. It’s good to be back.” Sighing, she squeezed your arm, “We really need to catch up some time.”

You agreed, but right now, you need to prepare for the mission.

-

The flight to Ukraine was smooth. No turbulence, and you arrived in the cover of night. 

You landed in a valley near the Eastern Carpathian mountain range, just a few miles away from the abandoned Hydra base. Though no assault was expected, you asked the team to be alert and to check and recheck their ammunitions for the third time, for good measure.

You ordered Woods to scout ahead, and he tells you through the comms that there is no danger. There is nothing to worry about.

“Are you sure?” You asked, supersoldier-enhanced adrenaline pumping through your veins.

“A hundred percent,” you hear Woods say reassuringly through the earpiece. You had a doubt, but if your years of experience taught you anything, it’s that doubts are the main reason of failure.

You signal the rest of your team into formation, nearing the underground bunker with your weapons alert. You lowered your night vision goggles. Other followed your example, doing the same.

“McCoy, Miller,” you called, “Stand guard outside. Watch out for threats.”

The two of them looked at you like your insane. It was unusual for you to ask two of them to stand guard. It wasn't efficient. It seemed like you were wasting men on generally unimportant jobs. Besides, protocol did suggest not having more people on look out than necessary, and in this case  one was more than enough.

“Only one of us should be on the lookout,” Miller suggested, hoisting his gun up.

“No!” you bark aggressively, catching everyone in your team by surprise, “Two of you out, now!”

For a split second, all activities stop, and everything is silent except for your pounding heartbeat. You try to breathe, but your breath comes out raspy and dangerously fast. 

You were never frivolous. You were always calm and collected, as you were trained to be. But this time, it seemed like you had pulled a pin inside of you that triggered an explosion.

And frankly, having you exclaim something so out of character, so unexpected, was terrifying.

“Commander,” Miller said cautiously, “Are you okay?”

“M’ fine,” you insist, averting your eyes from any staring gaze, “Just be on the lookout, two of you.”

If McCoy and Miller want to question your authority, they decided not to. They complied to your order without question.

You lead Harris and Woods into the bunker. 

The only way inside was by a set of stairs. The walk down was terrifyingly agonizing. The icy footsteps were starting to drive you insane. Thankfully, you don't have to hear more when you got to the bottom.

“Split up,” you say, and this time, no one says anything.

You found yourself moving forward the small bunker, Harris and Woods going their own ways on either side of you. 

Tanaka was right. The place was almost empty except for a few empty tubes on the dusty metal shelves. The stainless steel showed signs of breaking down, you could clearly smell the rust.

The floors were dirty. What used to be white ceramic looks gray now. It was filthy, and you were grateful your uniform provided the coverage from whatever disease might be lingering here.

It was clear that no one has stepped foot in it for at least a decade.

“Find anything?” You ask. 

"No,” Harris reported back. “Me neither,” Woods said.

Nearing the end of the bunker, something finally caught your eye.

It looked icy. You adjusted your night vision.

Squinting and carefully coming closer, you realized that it wasn’t ice. It’s water contained in a long transparent tank.

As you got closer, you heart dropped. The tank was filled with water the shade of translucent milk. 

A female human being was floating inside. Her hazel eyes were wide open but unmoving, her skin was as pearl-white as her platinum blonde hair. A thin cloth covered her otherwise naked body. A silver tube on the bottom of the tank frame traced to a non-functioning life support system. You weren’t sure if she’s dead or alive. She’s neither floating nor rotting, but you can’t imagine her being able to survive with these extreme conditions, especially if the bunker has been abandoned for as long as it seemed to be. 

One other thing that seemed to disturb you is how eerily familiar this condition was. You could imagine vividly what it felt to be her. You shake off the thoughts. You need to focus.

You placed your hand on a corner of the tank and wiped the dust. There were words engraved into the thick glass: PROJECT MERCY #21

“I-“ you start to say, trailing the pad of your fingers on the marble-smooth glass, “I found something. Get this back to base.”

-

The flight back was uncomfortable filled with numbing silence. It went hand-in-hand with a few worried stares they gave you.

They knew something was unspoken; something that caused your outburst. But they didn’t ask. Perhaps they were too afraid to ask.

When you gave the covered tank to the base, you waited patiently in front of forensics.

Usually, you’d wind down in the locker room with your squadron, but today it just didn’t feel like you want to. You were too restless to do so. 

You were starting to think avoidance was your coping mechanism for the guilt you felt after that outburst.

It didn’t take too long for forensic to determine that the woman was dead, but that was pretty much the only information they gave you. Everything else was supposedly confidential.

No, you thought to yourself, you need to know more about project Mercy. You don’t know why, but it was a gut feeling that you had, like an instinct planted in your mind by nature. 

Besides, it was a product of Hydra. You needed to know more.

You took out your phone and called the only person who could possibly have an answer, or at least is willing to help you find answers.

“Bucky?” You said through the line urgently. It must be in the middle of the night in New York. He didn’t sound too tired, though.

“(Y/n),” your name escapes his lips like a sigh, breathing with relief. Little did you know, he hadn’t been able to rest before knowing that you’re okay.

“I- Do you know anything about Project Mercy?” You said quietly, trying to make sure no one could hear this conversation.

You were aware that this was illegal. You weren't exactly allowed to share what you find in your operations to the avengers. At least not until they agree to the council.

“Project what?” Bucky asked, his voice sharp.

“Project Mercy,” you repeated,”It has something to do with Hydra.”

The line went silent for a while. You called out his name worriedly.

“It’s a covert biological engineering project Hydra has in collaboration with the KGB,” He says flatly, “I don’t know much about it. All I know is this that none of the subjects came out successful.”

You cursed under your breath. There must be something more to it than that. "Can you please research old SHIELD records for it? We’ll review it together tomorrow night when I get there.”

You could sense Bucky’s hesitation. “This isn’t allowed, right?” He breathed through the phone, “I read the council files you gave Sam. We’re not supposed to exchange any information until the deal is done, right?”

He was right. The only problem is that you didn’t care. Not right now.

“I know,” you admit with a hint of guilt in your stern voice, “But I need to know. I need this, James. Please.”

Bucky never had the heart to say no to you, even if he wanted to. Certainly, this time is no different

“I’ll do what I can,” he promised. 

That was all you needed to hear.

-

Bucky immediately activated the hologram projector in his room. "Friday, lock the room," he said. He heard a confirmation from the AI, followed by a click.

"Dim the lights," he said.

As the blinding neon calms into a soft hue, he can now see the hologram clearer.

"Show me decrypted Hydra and SHIELD files," he requested the AI.

"The one Agent Romanoff dumped to the internet?" Friday asks, making sure to do all the right things.

"Yes," he confirms.

The blue semi-transparents hologram shows millions of files.

"Search for 'Project Mercy," he says again. The hologram changes, a few files left on the hologram.

"Project Mercy was a Hydra bioengineering project in the 1980s. It's goal is to make a fully functional supersoldier from artificial lab-grown cells. These cells were fertilized and grown in a tube that resembled a womb. After nine months, the subjects are ready to be "born." None of them successfully had supersoldier characteristics, and most of them are dead."

Buciy stopped in his tracks.

"Most of them?" He raised his voice, wondering if he heard Friday correctly.

"According to the data, the first and second subject of Project Mercy are given to Hydra agents to raise and observe. Both subjects are alive as of 2014, living normal lives."

Bucky narrowed his eyes. "Where are they now?" He demanded.

"Their records have been wiped out. All that's stated is that Mercy One is female and Mercy Two is male."

"Is there any way to recover the information?" Bucky asked.

Friday calculated, searching the possibilities, "There might be physical records of Mercy One and Two in old private lab of the Hydra scientist named Michail Petrov."

Suddenly, his eyes widened. He recognizes the name, and it sounded just as bitter as it used to, engraved into his half a century of memory. Bucky's human arm curled into a grudging fist.

Petrov, as he recalled, was once the Winter Soldier's handler.

~

#bucky #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes imagines #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes series #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes smut #bucky x reader #bucky imagine #bucky imagines #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan imagine #sebastian stan imagines

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

You Asked, I Told

**Contains spoilers for Baghdad Waltz up to chapter 36 and the movie Soldier’s Girl (noted below); CW for some general discussion on the subject of writing about childhood sexual abuse**

Hello everyone!

I’m so sorry I’ve been so neglectful of my inbox and slow to answer Ao3 comments lately :(  I have so, so many wonderful asks here, and I want to push out a few batches of answers in the next couple of weeks. I’m a little over 2/3 of the way through Chapter 37 of BW, which will probably be hovering around the 20k word count. But Bucky and Steve will be having their first therapy session! With Claire Temple! And it’s going to be… Well, it’s Bucky and Steve, so stay tuned.

You are too kind, and I’m actually bummed that BW has changed people’s enjoyment of other fics, because this is not the first time I’ve heard this, and it’s certainly not my intent. I’m glad you enjoy the minor characters here, because they have been very fun to create. I have loads of backstory that will never see the light of day, and I adore them so much. As to the second part, I’m reading this as your wondering a couple things: 1) perhaps questioning Steve’s level of devotion to Bucky (or just marveling at it, if this is a rhetorical question), and 2) perhaps also questioning Thor’s assessment that Bucky is the guy you fuck, not the guy you settle down with.

In terms of Steve’s love, some would say that Steve is clearly devoted because Bucky is a very hard person to be in a relationship with, and the fact that he’s still even around is a sign of his devotion. Others would say that he hasn’t done enough to show how much he loves him, that he should do more, because Bucky is suffering so much and needs a lot of support now. We all have our own interpretations of what “enough” is, and I see this a lot in the comments section of BW. I appreciate multiple perspectives on this, and I think we all come at this from our own experiences on one side or the other of relationships like this. I think readers tend to fall on the side of one character or the other, and the Bucky people might err on the side of believing that Steve is not doing enough (or doing the wrong things) and the Steve people might err on the side that Bucky, although clearly suffering, is not considering the ways in which Steve is devoted and the ways in which he hurts Steve. I love both of these characters and am not overly devoted to either, so I see both of their perspectives and aim to write from both sides.

As for Bucky being too “wild” and not being the kind you marry/settle with, I don’t know if we can really trust Thor’s assessment of this situation. He didn’t know Bucky for long, and the time he knew him was at a time when Bucky was pretty low in personal insight. Although Bucky has proven himself adept at committing to an arduous career and excelling greatly, Bucky still does struggle to commit in relationships. But to say that he’s “wild” could be a bit of a misnomer. Pan the camera one way, and he looks like a fun and wild party guy who loves to drink and fuck and has a charismatic, wild personality that is irresistible. Pan the camera the other way and you’ve got someone who’s desperately trying to manage his emotions with alcohol and sex and sometimes can’t, a guy who is essentially “wild and charismatic” because he has trouble with emotional and interpersonal regulation due an extensive history of trauma.  As he works to uncover and confront his history, we will have to see how things unfold and whether he commits to engaging with care for himself after his rift with Scott.

I hope this addresses your Ask!

I have had a good deal of interaction with the military system in my life through various channels and have also done a LOT of research. For every military-heavy chapter, I look over a ton of regulations (even weapons manuals - fun!), talk to Army veteran friends and associates who are very generous with their time, watch documentaries, scour the internet for hours and hours and HOURS and just do… a lot. Which is part of why this fic is so slow to come out.

I just want to say thank you for this. I don’t know if this comment still holds for you, because I received it between chapters 35 and 36, but this is one of the things that I feel the absolute most anxiety about when I post this fic. The last thing I want to do is write anything that is going to be exploitative, especially since I know how many people in the general population have experienced childhood sexual abuse. I agonize over how much detail to include, because I don’t want to include unnecessary details just for shock value. However, I also don’t want to avoid the content if it’s part of the character’s internal experience. In chapter 36, for example, it was important for me to convey what it was like for Bucky to experience an intrusive memory of his abuse, because that is consistent with how I write the internal experiences of my characters. It’s part of my style and part of why people read BW, I think. To back away now because it contains this kind of content would be a disservice to the character and his experience, because this is important to his life and the person he’s become.

But I also don’t want it to just be an opportunity for readers to be like ohhhhh all the DETAILS WOWWW. So with everything that I write, I strive to think - what is the purpose of what I’m including? Is this consistent with the way a network of traumatic memories would operate? What’s the cue in the environment that would light this up? If the purpose is character development or plot progression, I can justify including the details. In chapter 36, for example, it was important for us to see that Bucky is allowing himself to remember his past, that it’s dysregulating him, which lead to his rift with Scott and his relapse. All character and plot points. But if it’s just for funsies or for some Jerry Springer-style reveal to shock the readers, or anything even close to that, I would try my hardest to screen for that. As for creating an arbitrary tragic backstory for some other character to heal, I can see how that would be a tempting thing to do for a writer. Although this is a part of Bucky’s history, and although there could be times when he feels like it defines him, challenging that may also be part of his journey. And I’m sure Steve would love if he could heal Bucky with the power of his love (or cock magic) alone. If only.

Thanks so much for this.

This is a good question. As you’ve seen, people certainly can have profound functional impairment when their symptoms come to a head, to the point where hospitalization is sometimes the best option. Bucky has made great strides in his recovery and has accumulated a lot of skills from AA and DBT that he didn’t have before, even with a meltdown and a relapse thrown in there. I know it’s sometimes really hard to see how far he’s come, but he’s traveled lightyears from overdosing at the Holiday Inn on Long Island.

That being said, this reaction isn’t extremely promising, given the implication that these are just the first real burbles of his traumatic past rising to the surface. I’d say a few things could happen as more of this starts to emerge.

1) He could do as you say, decompensate, have a lot of trouble functioning in his daily life, maybe go into some sort of partial hospitalization or inpatient hospitalization. This option would allow him to be in a  controlled environment, the kind of place where he might be able to manage this stuff without other demands getting in the way.

2)  He could rely very heavily on coping skills and social supports to manage this stuff as it comes up, and maybe it doesn’t overtake him completely. This would be extremely challenging because it would require him to reach out for help and accept it.

3) He could find some way to stop this process altogether by resuming drinking or some other maladaptive coping behavior. This would be very tempting for him, especially as things get exponentially more difficult.

Importantly, Bucky is still the same person as he was before, in terms of the primary effects his traumatic history has had on his life. What’s really in question here is his ability to face his memories and the truth of his own experience, which he can’t run from anymore because his old compartmentalization and avoidance strategies are falling apart. I think a lot will depend on whether he continues to make himself an island or whether he lets others close to him to support and assist him in this process. So much of the latter depends on trust and his sense of personal and emotional safety, which have been deeply shaken by his experiences. This makes everything so much more challenging. We’ll have to see how it all unfolds!

Thanks for the Ask!

**CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE**

UGH. Okay, I rented this DVD from Netflix when I got this Ask, because I thought, hey, why not… and then it sat on my shelf unwatched for about seven weeks. Netflix probably thought I just kept it. Obviously I have a pretty thick skin, given the shit I write about, but I was dreading watching it. The sleeve gives the plot away, so I knew what was coming, but God, kill me.

I died over a lot of the military inaccuracies, but it’s a TV movie, so it kind of gets a pass I guess. And it took place at Fort Campbell, Bucky’s least favorite place on Earth! This movie is also a creature of its time, which was fascinating in itself - a cis man playing a trans woman (megasigh, although admirably well), the commentary after from people on an active DADT policy still in effect, which was incredible. It seems so ridiculous to me now that it was ever in effect, especially when I recall the arguments against allowing open service for LGBQ folks (“but they’ll look at my butt in the showers!!”), and I wonder what kind of world we would have if Bill Clinton had gotten his way when he was elected and didn’t have to compromise with DADT.

It was very interesting to hear Barry’s sexuality being questioned so much because he was in love with a trans woman. The film makers talked about him “discovering something about his sexuality” because he was in this sexual relationship with her — like what? There was a lot of implication throughout the film and special features that trans women aren’t real women. And perhaps some of this stuff speaks to some level of sexual flexibility that might be present in someone who’s happy to give oral sex to a woman with a penis etc., so okay, I can buy that perhaps. But a small amount of flexibility is not necessary sexual confusion or radical sexual discovery, and it’s certainly not gayness or a sign that he’s not straight (though he may have been somewhere else on the sexuality spectrum, but that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with having romantic/sexual feelings for a trans woman). But there was an odd cissexist/transphobic thread that ran through the whole film, even though the actors and production team were clearly very enthusiastic about the story and sensitive to the characters. And Barry’s mother was straight up like “maybe they were just friends, who knows.” [sigh] I dunno.

But to the point of what actually happened to Barry - God. That was rough. It reminds me of kids who are bullied for being gay perhaps because they’re not masculine enough, etc. and end up killing themselves, even though they’re not gay. His death was brutal and shocking and horrible, and it gave me kind of a “Boys Don’t Cry” feel for me, but in reverse? If that makes any sense. The way he was ostracized by his peers made me sad, especially when he was working so hard to integrate into his unit, and it reminded me of all of the people who were victims of the witch hunts prior to DADT and even after, how lonely that must have been, how devastating to one’s career and connections to their military family. It’s one of the reasons Bucky tried so hard to appear either extremely occupied or extremely straight. But overall, I thought the movie did a good job of making this a love story and not fetishizing Calpernia’s trans-ness, and I thought it was pretty balanced and nuanced for a 2003 movie trying to tackle this subject matter. I’m glad I watched this, even though the end was awful. I think I left feeling kind of good about the love story, imperfectly told as it was. 

Thanks for the rec!

**END SPOILERS**

Oh god, I am so bad about Tumblr and everything else. I’m sorry for being so bad at all the tasks of maintaining a presence on social media etc. and yeah. I feel bad about it. I’m basically a social media renunciate in my personal life (my job is YOU NEED A LINKEDIN and I am cry), so it’s really not a habit in my fandom life. Thank you for your support (and the EG dig <3), and I’ll keep plugging away!

Please, please no worries!! I didn’t take it like that. I just want people to know that I’m working really hard and would get these out to you so much faster if I could. I know you’re all waiting and I wish I could deliver faster, but alas, adulthood. And I want these chapters to be as good as I can make them and sometimes writing is just really fucking hard, especially when your characters are falling apart. I do love them and telling this story and sharing it with all of you, so thank you for being awesome <3 

I will have more “You Asked” soon! Thank you so much for dropping me these messages. I am thrilled to get them, and I promise I will get to them all.

#you asked #asks #send me asks

[buckys-forgotten-plum]

Kindergarten Crush

Prompt: thank ya girl @kpopgirlbtssvt for this!

Y/n is a kindergarten teacher who has decided to take her kiddos on a ~super duper~ field trip to the museum where she finds herself a little too interested in one of the exhibits.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Word count:  5094

Warnings: language...maybe? Length also? I have a problem with over writing my stuff and I feel like it gets boring and too lengthy. Also my computer always fucks up the formatting so that might also be an issue. 

Here we gooooooooo

----------------------------------------------------------

“Alright come along my little ducklings!” You smiled happily, leading a small line of children off a yellow bus and out into the parking lot of the Smithsonian.

“Miss y/n how come we have to go to the museum? It’s soooooooo boring!” moans a small boy who huffily stomped down the stairs of the bus.

“Joey, that is actually a very good question! but we’re gonna have to work on your manners,” you smile while making sure to wave a stern finger at the cute little boy. “Can anyone remember what we were learning about yesterday and our word of the week?” you ask lightly, making sure that all children are accounted for before entering the large building.

Multiple children raised their hands excitedly, wanting to be the first to answer the question (most likely because you rewarded each child who answered correctly with either a small piece of candy or a cute pencil topper) You looked around, making a thoughtful face as you decided who to pick on. Your mind became set on a red haired boy named Connor. He had been quite respectful during the bus ride over and had been nice enough to give his early morning juice box to a clumsy girl who had dropped hers. “Connor? Would you like to answer?”

As the rest of the kids lowered their hands in slight disappointment Connor smiled happily and took a second before answering, “um we um we learned about uh the uhm the first airplanes! And then um the uh the word was um respect!” he answered happily.

You giggle at his slightly rough response and hand him a small piece of strawberry taffy, his favourite and gave a quick response, “Good job Connor! we are learning about the very first planes and how they’ve helped us in history. Your also correct for our word of the week being respect. Now can anyone tell me what respect means?”

Another round of hands shoot into the air and you waste no time before choosing the next student, “Charlie go ahead,”

“Respect is when you are super nice to someone,” the little girl smiles sweetly as she answers the question.

“Good job charlie, here you go honey,” You giggle at her cuteness while handing her a little kitty pencil topper that she gladly took before putting it into her pocket.

“Thank you miss y/n!” she yells happily, making you smile down at her with a grin of your own.

Before going into the museum you wanted to make sure that all your students knew how they needed to behave for the day so you whistled a fun little tune to get everyone’s attention (they were suppose to attempt to copy it back to you but most of them failed each time... it was extremely cute)

“Alright guys, we gotta make sure to be super respectful to all the people and exhibits. That means no shouting or touching things you’re not suppose to, so always ask beforehand okay buddies?”

The children all replied with a synchronized chorus of “Okay buddy!”, another one of your fun rituals.

A wide grin was painted onto your lips as you lead all the kids and chaperones into the museum with the hope of a fun day following beside you.

------------------------------------------------------

“Miss who are they?” one of your students asks quietly and points to the most populated and well maintained exhibit in the entire museum.

“That’s Steve Rogers and his best friend, Bucky Barnes. Mr. Rogers is Captain America and that’s what he looked like way back when he first started being a hero, same with his friend there.” your explanation was quiet and you spent a bit more time looking at the handsome face of the Winter Soldier when the old timey video paused to share a few facts of the metal-armed soldier.

You were pulled from your small day dream by an even smaller hand gripping your shirt, “Can we go closer miss y/n?” Conner asked, which was quickly followed by a small chorus of please’s by the other three kids in your touring group.

You nod kindly before responding, “of course guys, remember to stay near me though,”

The group of you go over to the small room, full of World War Two memorabilia and everything having to do with the famous super soldier known as Captain America. A video played on repeat as the sound echoed throughout the dimly lit room softly. The four children that accompanied you slowly spread out, keeping mind to stay close enough for your comfort as you slowly made your way around the room, being careful to read everything that was presented to you.

The history behind Steve Rogers was interesting, but after a little bit, you started to notice how interested you were in Bucky. He was, after all, your favourite Avenger so it wasn’t too surprising to you that he was what caught your eye the most.

Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steven Rogers were inseparable...

It was a sad story...the origin of The Winter Soldier.

Barnes, was the only Howling Commando, to give his life, in service of his country.

The video clearly needed to be updated... Though you knew deep down that, even though Bucky was alive, he’d had enough trauma and life experience for an entire soccer team. You couldn’t imagine what went through his head everyday and the extraordinary weight that he carried on his broad shoulders.

Very handsome broad shoulders at that...

“Miss y/n! Can you come help me be as tall as Captain America please?” Conner asks from across the room rather loudly.

It caught the attention of a few bystanders, including an extremely tall man who was giving you weird vibes with his hooded figure and dark clothing. You only glanced at the mysterious man before going over to the small boy looking up at the screen that held Steve Rogers height before and after the serum.

“Connor, I’m not even as tall as Mr. Rogers before the serum, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to lift you up enough...” you admit gently, not wanting to upset the small boy.

“That’s okay, I just wanna know what it’s like to be taller,” he smiles widely, making you laugh.

“I’d like to know what it’s like to be taller too, Connor” you joke with a light giggle before trying to lift him up as far as possible.

“Look miss y/n! we’re just as tall as Captain America,” Connor laughs, almost making you drop him. 

In your defense it’s generally just hard to lift anything with how small you are. 

“I wanna try!” 

                                                               “Me too!”

                         “Wait I wanna be tall too!” 

Your small group of kids all ran up at once as you gently put Connor on the floor, their loud voices ringing throughout the small room and earning a few glares from the other people trying to enjoy history. 

“Keep your voices down everyone, remember what we agreed to outside?” 

“Respect” they all chorused quietly, earning a breathy laugh from yourself and a chuckle from the strange man who had been looking at you earlier.

You squint your eyes in suspicion at the loss of distance that had occured within the last few minutes between your group and the tall stranger. It made you a little nervous and left a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach, but you brushed it off as being a paranoid teacher. Although it could totally be a human trafficker... Maybe a modern day Ted Bundy? What if he was a weirdo who was gonna try and take your purse?

bzz..bzzz..bzz...

you were pulled out of your thoughts by the soft feeling of your phone going off in the pocket of your skirt. 

“Hey guys this is one of the other groups, don’t go anywhere alright? I’ll be back in a jiffy,” You state quietly and walk a few feet away, turning your back from the slightly noisy children who were now trying to lift each other up to the height of the glowing screen. 

“Hey gretta, everything okay?” 

“Everything is fine, y/n. I was just calling to say that all the kiddos in my group are getting a bit hungry and was wondering if we would head to the park soon for lunch?” Gretta, who was a mom of one of your students was really your right hand during field trips like these.

She was always extremely helpful with snacks, reservations, carpool, everything really. Gretta was also a close friend of yours and it was always a comfort to have her around for support when times got stressful.

“Yeah, go ahead and tell the other group leaders to head down to the entrance in...15 minutes? That way we can all walk together,” you state, taking a quick glance back at your students. 

“alright, you got it boss. Everything going alright?” she asks gently, wanting to make sure you weren’t too stressed out. 

“Everything has been great so far. Although there’s this one dude-” “Ooohhh! Go get him y/n!” Gretta jokes, her heavy laugh having no trouble being heard from the small phone in your hand. 

“What? No that’s not what I was gonna say... He is really tall though,” 

“Everyone is really tall compared to you,” your friend laughs even louder, making you hold the phone away from your ear for a few seconds before returning to its original position. 

“Mean-” “But true” “Okay I’m leaving now,” “Love ya y/n!” 

You sighed heavily, a smile on your face due to the strange friend you had. The smile didn’t stay long before you turned around and spotted the sight in front of you. All your kids were laughing happily, one of them lifted in the air so high that she was taller than the height of their favourite super soldier. 

“Excuse me, put her down right now!” your brain was going a mile a minute as your feet furiously carried you over to the stranger who was holding two of your students. All of your students ceased their laughter as they see the angry face of their teacher. 

“What makes you think you can start picking my students up without even knowing who they are!? Honestly what kinda creep-” “I’m sorry, doll. Must’ve been quite the scare to see a creep like me helping your kids out,” The stranger apologizes as he puts the two kids back on their feet, pulling his hood down to show you a shiney, white-toothed, smile. 

“Oh my god...” you mutter and nearly choke on your spit as you look up at the man in front of you. 

“Miss y/n he’s not a bad guy! He’s the cool robot guy from the video,” Connor exclaims happily. 

“That’s me, alright. The Cool Robot Guy” he nods and waves, a shiny metal hand coming out from his hoodie pocket. 

“Uhm... Mr. Barnes, hello. I’m so sorry I yelled...it’s just, I thought you were-” “Nah I get it, some tall scary dude messing with little kids is a scary sight, you did the right thing. Also please don’t call me Mr. Barnes, it’s Bucky,” 

“Right, Bucky. It’s very nice to meet you sir, my name is y/n, these are my students- Charlie, Connor, Anna, and Fargo. We’re here on a field trip today to learn about planes but got a little distracted,” You laugh lightly, trying to cover up the embarrassment of telling off one of Earth’s mightiest heroes. 

“That’s quite exciting guys. You know, I get to fly planes all the time,” Bucky states, his smile growing at the gawking children in front of him. 

He continued to tell your small group of students all about his adventures from being a superhero, answering every single question they asked him. You had skillfully started to move the group towards the stairs, knowing full well that it was time to take the kids to lunch. There wasn’t a moment of silence as Bucky handled the curious children and their prying questions. He didn’t hesitate to answer anything that was thrown at him, which you admired wholeheartedly. The kids asked how his arm worked, what it felt like, if they could feel it. Anna even asked if he could take it off. That one made Bucky pause and you noticed the slight movement of the metal panels clenching in stress from the invasive question. 

“Um, no sorry hun. It doesn’t really work like that,” he answers quietly before looking back at you, “You’re pretty quiet, dollface. You got any questions for me?”

“No, sir. I think I’m okay just listening for now,” you smile politely, blushing at the nickname that had so beautifully fallen from his lips.

He gives you a wide grin and puts an arm behind his head to mess with his dark hair, “jeez, really making me feel old with all that ‘sir’ garbage you’re throwing around,” 

A laugh escapes your lips at his joking comment and you can’t help but to mutter a quiet ‘sorry’. It didn’t take too long to find the rest of your class and the parents who had agreed to help out for the day. When your group finally came into view, Bucky in tow, any idea of going to lunch was thrown out the window immediately as the small army of children began to shout in excitement. 

It was great meeting Bucky Barnes, but honestly you were so hungry. 

------------------------------------------------------

You were extremely nervous. 

Your hands couldn’t stop pulling at the soft fabric from the sundress that you had put on in hopes of impressing your date for the night.

That date being Bucky Barnes...

“Oh gosh...” Your hands roughly move down your face in a stressed manner.

“Why did I say yes? Why would I think, at any moment in time, that this, was a good idea,” 

“What if he hates my dress? This is my favourite dress...” you mumble to yourself, a sad expression falling onto your face as you think of how someone as dark and brooding as Bucky would like the light yellow dress you had on. 

As you were about to go to your closet to change into something more...Bucky, the doorbell to your small apartment went off, making you jump and let out a small squeak of surprise. There was no other choice but for you to go and open up the door to reveal the nervous soldier standing outside of it. 

“Hey, y/n. You look absolutely gorgeous,” He compliments quietly, looking down at your small frame before handing you a very pretty bouquet of baby pink teacup roses. 

“Thank you, Bucky. You look really nice too,” The smile on your face was bright as you smelt the lovely perfume of the cute roses you held in hand. 

It was true, Bucky looked really good. He wasn’t wearing anything fancy, just a dark blue Henley shirt with nicely fitting, black jeans. His hair was put up into a messy bun that suited his sharp jawline and gave a lovely view of his pretty blue eyes. 

“Thanks dollface, you ready to go? I got a whole day planned out for us. A movie, nice dinner, and then I was thinking coffee afterwards?” Bucky held an excited smile on his face.  

“That sounds quite nice, is it okay if we go somewhere that has hot chocolate though? I don’t really like coffee all that much,” You mumble out the last part, not wanting to be too much of a bother. 

“No problem pretty girl, let’s get goin” He smiles down at you once again and places a hand out for you to take, which you gladly do.

It was impossible to fight the large grin on your face as Bucky lead you out of your apartment, officially starting the most stressful, yet exciting date of your life. 

You really hoped it would go well.

------------------------------------------------------

“Buck stop! It tickles too much!” your laughing bounced around the room as the slightly scary man with a metal arm tries giving you a leg massage.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong though... So weird,” he mumbles, acting oblivious to the fact that he was trying to tickle you into into a coma.

It had started out as a calm day in when Bucky had called you to hang out at the Avengers Tower with him during the God-awful storm that had torn its way through New York. You had watched movies, gotten lunch together, you had even played cards just because Bucky didn’t believe you were better at gambling than he was. Now, you were both in his room, you laying across his bed on your stomach and Bucky straddling your lower back as he gently pushed his fingers into the back of your thighs.

“I’m gonna kick you in the face if you don’t stop right now James Barnes!” You warned, the venom that was supposed to be in your voice, falling flat.

“Oh no I’m soooo scar- OW” he shouts as the ball of your foot hits Bucky right in the chin.

His hands leave your thighs and go up to cradle his face. He slides off of your back, allowing you to flip over and sit up to properly face the hurt “man” in front of you.

“Oh you poor baby,” you mock worriedly and gently place your hands on his, “you want me to kiss it better, bunny?”

Bucky rolls his eyes at the nickname but still muttered out a quiet ‘yes’ which makes you giggle. It had been two months since you had met James Buchanan Barnes at the Smithsonian Museum of American History, and it had been the best two months of your life in all honesty. He was such a kind person.and every second you spent with him was another second your heart spent melting. Although the first date was a bit awkward because of your shy personality and overwhelming amount of nerves, Bucky still wanted to keep seeing you. 

“I’m waitin’ doll,” he mumbles, puffing his lips in a slight pout, and you couldn’t help but to just squish his face in your hands from complete adoration. 

“You’re just so adorable, I don’t wanna close my eyes,” you respond, lips copying the same movements as his. 

“sometimes you just gotta make sacrifices lovie,” Bucky states, pulling you onto his lap and wrapping his arms around your waist.

Your face was the color of a goddamn strawberry at the sound of such a cutesy nickname coming from the former assassin. “Buck...” you stumble shyly, pushing your face into his shoulder to hide the embarrassment. 

“Nuh-uh, up here doll, my face is still wounded and I need you to heal me,” He argues, hooking his index finger to the tip of your chin and tilting your head upwards for Bucky to see. 

You puff out your lips and he lightly pecks them, a proud smile displayed on his handsome face. After one kiss, Bucky couldn’t help himself and decided to plant lovely little pecks all over, from eyes to nose, left temple to right. You laughed at his cute antics and tried to push his face away in attempts to make him stop. 

“Bunny stop it!” You giggle out, mushing his face between your small hands while trying to shy away from his kisses. 

Bucky laughed along with you as you held his face back, making it look incredibly silly. 

“Shweethart, you ghatta shtop,” he chuckles, pressing his fingers into your hips as his tap out. 

Your hands drop from bucky’s face, going to rest on his own hands that were still squeezing your hips. Both of you stayed silent, just enjoying the sweet moment at hand. Bucky Barnes was such a strange guy in your eyes, on the outside he was a hardcore, beefy, assassin. But, on the inside, it was like he was made of cotton candy and those cute little chocolate-filled crackers that were shaped like pandas. 

“Bunny can we go get food?” You ask, hand going to your stomach to feel the small grumble. 

“Of course, lovie,” Bucky responds, placing a soft kiss on the apple of your cheek and lifting both of your bodies up to begin the short journey to the kitchen.

Your legs were wrapped around Bucky’s hips, arms around his neck, and forehead resting in the crook of his neck. It was so hard to keep yourself from hugging Bucky, he was always so warm and even though he was super muscley, it was so comforting to be in his tight embrace. He had a specific way of hugging you too, he would wrap one arm around your shoulders and the other around your waist, pushing his face into the fluff of your hair. Your legs would be so close, sometimes he would pull you onto his feet just to lose those few extra centimeters of space and each time, after the hug was over, he would nudge his nose along your cheek before giving you a cute little peck on either your nose or lips. 

“You want a snack or do you want me to make you something?” He asks, setting you down on the counter and going over to the fridge, but not before giving your hips a soft squeeze.

“It’s okay bunny, I can make myself something,” you state, beginning to hop off the counter. 

Bucky stopped you, “It’s alright, I’m hungry too so I’ll just make something for us both. You want mac n’ cheese, baby?” 

“Yes please,” you respond in a quiet tone, pulling your bottom lip between your teeth in a shy manor.

Bucky smiled happily at you, running the pad of his thumb over the exposed part of your lip and making it come out of its hiding place, “don’t do that lovie, you might hurt yourself,” he grumbles lowly. 

“Right, sorry buck. Can I go get my phone, maybe a ponytail to put your hair into as well?” It wasn’t like you needed to ask, but due to the fact that it wasn’t your house and that you haven’t met all who resided within the pristine tower, you felt it necessary. 

“Of course sweetheart, you remember which room is mine?”

“The one on the left with the big wolf on it,” you nod your head in satisfactory, when bucky gave you a thumbs up to signal you had answered correctly. 

Pushing off the counter, you head back to Bucky’s room, thankful that you didn’t run in to anyone on the way. You had yet to meet Bucky’s two best friends Steve and Sam, as well as many of the other Avengers. Although, you had, had the pleasure of meeting Tony Stark the first time Bucky had invited you to come over. Out of nervousness and really just wanting to make a good first impression, you had bought a basil plant for the billionaire. Tony had laughed at your nice gesture, taking the plant and giving you a kind hug afterwards. He had thanked you and told Bucky that you were more than welcome to stay as long as needed. 

It didn’t take you long to find your phone and a ponytail to put up Bucky’s pretty hair. But, you most definitely got distracted by the thought of wearing a Super Soldiers hoodie. That’d be pretty badass, you thought. So, before going back out to enjoy the tempting meal that was now giving off a very wonderful smell that drifted through the air, you ventured into Buck’s closet and began to look through his sweatshirts in order to find the softest one. It didn’t take you long, he didn’t have too many sweatshirts to choose from, but you settled for an extremely soft, navy blue sweatshirt with a small symbol on the breast that showed a little toy gun on it. It didn’t seem very ‘Bucky’ to you so you just assumed it had been given as a gift. 

You slowly made your way back to the kitchen, almost instantly noticing the extreme hail that was pouring down outside. It made you uneasy and nervous to drive back to your apartment, and as you walked into the kitchen, phone shoved into your face to see the newest weather updates, you spoke your unease to Bucky.

“Bunny, is it okay if I stay longer than we talked, I don’t wanna drive in hail and google says-what..” your voice fades away as you see two more tall men in the kitchen then there was before you left. “Uhmm,” 

Your heartbeat immediately picked up to an unnatural speed and you subconsciously took a few steps back, not liking the three pairs of eyes staring down at your short frame. 

“Hey y/n, I thought it might be time for you to meet these guys,” Bucky speaks softly, almost as if you were a frightened animal that might dart away into the forest to hide. 

“Um,” you shook your head microscopically in disagreement, why didn’t he warn you? 

Bucky took a few steps to reach you and gently put his hands on either side of your face, “lovie I know you get nervous, but Steve and Sam aren’t gonna bite, okay? They just wanna meet you because of how important you are to me,” He gives you a reassuring smile when you nod your head in hesitant agreement. 

“Okay, Bunny...kiss?” you ask quietly, wanting just one more thing to boost your confidence. 

Bucky lets out a gruff chuckle before giving you a gently kiss, something you happily melted in to, “Look really nice in my sweatshirt too, doll” he mumbles against your lips before giving you a few more pecks. 

A small smile made its way to your lips as Bucky turned to his two best friends, “Alright guys, this is y/n. Y/n, this is my best friend Steve Rogers and some guy who follows the both of us around,” He jokes, motioning towards the tall men stood across the room.

“Screw you Barnes. At least my girl doesn’t call me by the name of a little fluffy animal-” “I’ll kill you right now bird boy,” Bucky threatened the laughing man, an edge to his voice but a smile on his face. 

“Hello, nice to finally meet you, I’m-” “Steve Rogers, I know. I studied you in college and... I mean your Buck’s best friend too” you mumble out shyly, face going red in complete embarrassment. 

The three men laugh at your small demeanor, finding your shy personality charming, “I’m Sam Wilson, I’m the normal one of the trio. No serum or metal arm, I’m all natural,” he states, a wink following his smart comment.

“You’re one comment away from gettin something metal shoved into your eye,” Bucky grumbles, his metal arm making a light tinking, as it flexed in stress.

You knew how Bucky was about his arm, even if it was a comment from a good friend it still tweaked something inside his brain. You decided it best to slowly slide your fingers between his metallic ones and give a small squeeze, hoping to help a little bit. Buck looked down at you and gave a grateful, half-smile, silently thanking you for the small gesture. 

“Is the food done, bun-er um Bucky?” The correction didn’t feel good in your mouth but if refraining from calling Bucky ‘bunny’ helped ease the tension, you would tough it out. 

Bucky noticed it right away and gave you a confused glance, but quickly brushed it off and answered you with a nod of his head, “yeah sweetheart, I got it all plated for you,” 

“Thank you,” you smile up at him and tug at his arm, Bucky knowing exactly what you wanted, leaned down to your eye level. 

Before you could connect your lips to his, Bucky pulled away slightly, “What’s my name, dollface?” “Buck-” “No, try again,” “Bunny,” 

He smiled and leaned in to give you a quick peck, but you didn’t want to settle for that, so you put your hands on either side of his face and deepened the small kiss just a bit. 

“I think I’m gonna need to schedule a dentist appointment after watching all of this,”

Sams comment went unnoticed by the two of you. Both of your brains were solely focused on the lovely kiss that sent shivers down your spine and had you tightly gripping Bucky’s shirt. Buck gently bit down on your lower lip, causing you to let out a small whine. You were sure that this would have continued if it weren’t for the startling sound of someone clearing their throat in the background.

Bucky pulled away slowly, letting out a small, exasperated sigh,  “It’s on the table, sweetheart,” he smirks, feeling proud about being the cause of the flustered girl in front of him. 

Your face was beet red as you silently made your way over to the small table that was sat by a window, all of the men in the room followed you with their eyes before all going to sit down at the table with you. Bucky sat down beside you and Steve and Sam sat across, both of them leaning forward and putting their elbows on the table. Bucky immediately let out a light cough and began shaking his head, a signal to his friends that they needed to undo their actions.

“she’s really picky about table manners,” He smiles, putting a comforting hand down on your thigh. 

“That’s alright, so why don’t you tell us about yourself? How long have you been... Friends with B-” “She’s my girlfriend Steve,” Bucky laughs loudly, “not completely a secret,” 

“He asked me last week,” you smiled down at your bowl of cheesy noodles, “Made a whole day of it and everything,” 

“I would have never thought that Bucky Barnes, the guy who use to get any girl he wanted, has finally found his anchor,” The grin on Steve’s face could only be described as an ecstatic one. He was so happy that his best friend had finally found his person, and a good one at that. 

“She’s mine alright, stuck with me forever,” Bucky grinned down at you and leaned in to place a soft kiss on your temple. 

“I’m okay with that though. It just means you’re mine too. My bunny,” 

It had been a good day, and you knew there were plenty of more to come with just you and your Bunny. 

#Bucky Barnes #james buchanan barnes #bucky x reader #bucky x you #marvel #bucky imagine #bucky fic #Steve Rogers #captain america #Winter Soldier #sam wilson #red wing #marvel imagine #imagine x reader #fanfiction #i'm sorry if this is bad #pls be gentle #bucky fluff #bucky fandom #james barnes #Plum's Masterlist

[i-want-to-bethlieve]

Steve Rogers’ Ending and its Horrible Implications

Let me start by saying I was very disappointed with the entire Avengers Endgame movie.  I didn’t like the plot, the humor, or the action, but I feel the ending for Captain America perfectly encapsulates everything wrong with the movie; not enough thought was put into it.  This is basically all of the gripes I have with Steve’s ending.  It’s late, but I had to get it all out.

The writers (Markus and McFeely) and the directors (Russo Brothers) don’t even agree on what happened to Steve at the end of the movie.  Which is pretty embarrassing considering they worked together on this story for 4 movies.  The Russo Brothers say Steve Rogers goes back in time and creates an alternate timeline. He marries Peggy, and is free to change whatever he wants because it has no effect on the main timeline of the MCU. As for explaining how Steve was able to show up on a park bench in the main timeline at the end, their only non-answer is “maybe there is a story there”. In other words, they don’t know.  Markus and McFeely say Steve goes back in time, marries Peggy, and lives out his life in the main MCU timeline, which is why he just shows up on a bench at the end of the movie without using the time machine. To them Steve has apparently been Peggy’s husband this whole time.

The most disappointing thing about either ending is the character assassination of Steve Rogers.  Whatever scenario you choose to believe, Steve Rogers makes an incredibly selfish choice to go be with Peggy.  Steve knew Peggy had moved on and had a family. She tells him she has no regrets about that part of her life.  He saw her children and knew she was married, but he goes back to be with Peggy anyway, which shows him blatantly disregarding the life she made without him.  He makes the decision to change her life without any thought about what she wanted.  It was all about his own happiness.  Never mind that they shared only 1 kiss before being separated.  Never mind that two of his teammates just died to restore the current universe he was living in.  Never mind that his two closest friends literally came back from the dead a minute ago.  All of that was disregarded so Steve could live in his fantasy.  That is what Peggy was for Steve at that point.  She is more an idea than an actual person because they just didn’t know each other well enough. They were never a couple.  They never went on a date.  It was all speculation.  A ‘what-could-have-been’ for both of them.  I’m not saying there was no love between them.  They played important parts in each others lives, but Steve believes she is “the love of his life” and doesn’t seem to care whether she felt the same way about him.  She was happily married with no regrets. How does he know her husband (who Steve wouldn’t know was himself if you believe the writers) was not the love of her life?  Honestly, if you look at this decision from anyone's perspective other than Steve’s it is all very horrible.

When you break down both the writers and directors’ theories the story only falls apart even more.  Lets say you believe the Russo brothers and think Steve created an alternate timeline.  In this scenario Steve can do whatever he wants because he intentionally created an alternate reality to live in.  We can assume he is able to prevent many tragedies from happening (stops Bucky from becoming the Winter Soldier, stops Howard and Maria from dying, prevents Hydra from taking over SHIELD etc.) and the movie shows us he gets married to Peggy. This seems great on the surface, but the minute you start thinking about how the story would have to play out to get there, it becomes a bitter pill to swallow. In order to marry Peggy, our Steve Rogers (OSteve) had to keep alternate universe Steve Rogers (AUSteve) stuck in the ice for 70 years. That’s a pretty cold (ha) thing for OSteve to do, but it also means Peggy went along with it.  You would think Peggy would want to go find AUSteve as soon as she realizes he survived the crash, and that would mean she wouldn’t want to marry OSteve because the man she just said goodbye to is out there alive somewhere.  If Peggy marries OSteve we have to assume Peggy agreed to leave her Steve frozen for 70 years.  There is also no reason to keep AUSteve in the ice except for selfish reasons.  In this scenario OSteve prevents the events of the Captain America trilogy from happening, so Steve would not be needed in 70 years the same way he was in the main MCU timeline.  OSteve and Peggy would knowingly choose to keep AUSteve frozen in the ice even though they have every ability to save him.  That’s some skeleton in the closet.

In this alternate reality it is true Steve can save his friends, but it does not erase his friends in the original timeline, or the trauma they went through. Steve getting to "fix" everything he did not like about his life sounds great, but it is hollow if you abandon your old traumatized friends for new ones without baggage. He is really just living in fantasy land as far as anyone in the main timeline is concerned.  No matter what he does, Steve does not belong in that alternate timeline. He has a life he is leaving behind with people who care about him, and who he is supposed to care about. Steve can pretend all he wants, but the alternate timeline is not "his" life. What would AUSteve think when he wakes up and finds out a man came from some alternate universe and stole his life, keeping him frozen for years when he could have been saved?

There is also the moral dilemma of playing god.  Is creating an alternate universe for yourself okay just because you’ve been a good guy in the past?  You have to be pretty arrogant to think you are good enough to create a universe for your own happiness.  Is it okay to have the supposedly most moral character in the series do this?  Does it go against everything the character is supposed to stand for? We watched Thor and Tony speak to their dead parents without attempting to save them. Why is that?  Why does everyone except Steve have to avoid creating alternate timelines? Why are we worried about the consequences of messing with time travel when apparently there are none? The directors did not care enough to ask themselves these questions, and Steve Rogers’ character, and the movie, suffers for it. The Russos created an arrogant, and selfish Steve Rogers who is willing to change Peggy’s world to the one he wants without knowing if she would want that too.

If you believe the writers and think Steve went back in time and was Peggy’s husband all along, things still don’t add up.  First of all, Steve going back in time would change the past, meaning there would have to be an alternate timeline.  It makes no sense given the rules of time travel Endgame gave us, that Steve did not create an alternate timeline when he went back in time.  Second of all, the reveal that Steve was Peggy’s husband all along does not fit into what we saw in any of the previous Captain America movies (written and directed by the same people who made Endgame).  In ‘Captain America: the Winter Soldier’ the video at the Smithsonian shows Peggy mentioning Steve saved her husband during the war.  Why would she say that if Steve has been her husband the whole time?  She has to be lying about that, even though there is no reason for her to be saying any of this at all. In the same movie Peggy tells Steve her only regret is knowing Steve never got the chance to live his life.  This doesn’t make sense because she knows he will get the chance to live his life. Yes I know that part can be explained away because Peggy seems to be suffering from some for of dementia or alzheimer's, but this opens another plot hole.  We assume Steve was involved in Peggy’s life after he came out of the ice. How is it possible he never met her husband? In ‘Captain America: Civil War’ Steve goes to Peggy’s funeral. Are we meant to believe that Steve would not have given his condolences to Peggy’s husband? Steve being at her funeral also means Peggy’s friends and family are in on the lie too because no one mentions how strange it is that Peggy’s husband suddenly looks 50 years younger.  And last but not least of this theory’s problems, if Steve was Peggy’s husband the whole time that would mean Sharon Carter knowingly makes out with her uncle.  Yikes!  Personally I refuse to give that theory any credibility. The writers clearly did not plan this ending from the beginning. Unless of course they are just that bad at their job.

Besides breaking all of the time travel rules Avengers Endgame established, the writer’s theory also fails to keep Steve in character.  Steve “I can’t stand aside when I see a situation going south” Rogers would have to stand aside his entire life knowing Natasha and Bucky were becoming brainwashed assassins killing countless people, including Tony Stark’s parents. He knows that his wife is working with Hydra agents who will undermine everything she helped build with SHIELD and kill countless people. He has to live with knowing every horrible thing that will happens in the MCU, and do nothing to prevent it.  That life for Steve does not sound like a happily ever after ending to me.  In ‘Captain America: The First Avenger’ it is established skinny Steve is constantly getting beat up because he can’t stand by and watch someone be disrespectful, or allow injustice to prevail.  So what character growth did the writers give Steve at the end of Endgame?  He has grown over these last 11 years into a man that chooses a life where he has to stand aside knowing his friends are suffering?  He leaves his friends in a present where the world is rebuilding to go live in a past where he can kick back and relax while injustice rages around him. Is that the type of character growth you want to see for Steve Rogers? 

It is a huge mess no matter which way you slice it.  And the whole thing is so contrived.  Bucky, who has been at the center of the Captain America trilogy, does not get a proper reunion or goodbye scene with Steve.  Steve does not have a moment to mourn Bucky or Sam during the entire movie. Instead we have multiple scenes of Steve looking at the picture of Peggy he keeps in the compass.  He doesn’t mention losing Bucky or Sam when speaking to a therapy group about moving on after the snap. Instead he brings up losing Peggy aka "the love of his life".  That was done not because it is true to the character, but so the audience would be more likely to accept Steve’s ending.  If we saw a movie where Steve misses his friends and desperately wants to get them back, the ending would not work.  Steve leaving them just after getting them back would feel out of place, and inappropriate.  So the writers and directors committed the ultimate story telling sin and forced the characters to fit inside their story, instead of creating a story to fit the characters.  It is a huge injustice to fans who have invested years into watching these movies. Steve Rogers’ story ends without him experiencing any growth at all. Steve’s entire journey is disregarded in a way because he has not gained anything important enough to stay in the present for.  He is still longing for the past after all this time, and if you disagree, think about this.  Even after returning to Peggy in the 1940s, Steve remains a man out of time.  He does not belong in 1940 more than he belongs in 2023.  That is some other person’s life he is living. A life he was never meant to have because he chose to sacrifice it.  Choosing to take it back undoes everything we are suppose to love about Steve Rogers.

Many people argue that Steve deserves to be selfish for once.  He has earned the right to go and live the life he wants.  I say those people are just in denial about how badly the movie screwed up Steve’s character.  All of the Avengers have earned the right to retire if they want to, and Steve could retire (though I would still argue it was out of character).  If the writers and directors wanted Steve to end with making a decision for his own self-interest, retirement would have been a great option.  But that is not what we got.  He didn’t just make a decisions for his own self interest, he literally created an entire universe where his happiness was the priority.  That is out of character for Steve.  Steve Rogers is beloved because he is not selfish.  He is beloved because he wants to do the right thing, even when doing the right thing is difficult (especially when doing the right thing is difficult).  Steve is suppose to be the character willing to do “whatever it takes” to help people. Not do whatever it takes to get his own happy ending.  So while Steve getting his dance is a lovely image to end on, the Russo brothers, Markus, and McFeely had to destroy everything you love about the character to get him there.  That is not a good or satisfying ending.

#anti endgame #anti steve rogers #i guess #anti endgame steve #avengers endgame #fuck that movie #endgame critique #anti russo brothers #anti markus and mcfeely #had to get this off my chest #had this in my drafts for a long time #but I don't want to think about it anymore #so here it is

[thawedpatriot]

okay, my e.ndgame thoughts are below the cut. beware, they’re somewhat incoherent at times mainly just because my brain is still trying to wrap my head around some stuff. also it’s really really long. like 3k words long. major spoilers ahead!

-okay so the whole beginning felt. really rushed, if that makes sense? like, i’m glad that tony got back to earth fairly early on but that was very sudden, having carol show up and carry the ship to the compound. however, i can’t complain too much because watching steve book it to tony’s side as he was coming off the ship gave me life. the fact that he just hovered the whole time and was there to support him and show he cares just. pleased me.

- tony had every right to blow up at steve. i mean, god, the man’s been through so much. he’s lost so much and is still recovering from everything that happened. he’s frustrated and angry and hurting and steve pressed for information too callously too soon, and it set an exhausted tony off. totally valid. and tony was right, he saw all this coming and no one listened to him, even though half of that was just bc aou was a fucking mess writing wise. but steve told him ‘together’ and because they weren’t together when shit went down, they all lost. would it have killed either of them to call during the two years they had to do so? no, probably not. that probably would’ve been a step towards working back to that ‘together’ thing. because there’s years of unresolved tension and conflict between them at this point, none of it ever got resolved between them, so it’s finally coming to a head now that they’re properly in the same room again.

- that said, the ‘you weren’t there when i needed you’ bit rubbed me the wrong way. because it was bruce who ended up calling. tony never made a call, never asked for steve’s help. never let him know he needed him, even though he had that ability to. so yes, steve is at fault here too, but it’s not 100% on him that things went down the way they did, if that makes sense.

- tony shoving the arc reactor into steve’s hand???? killed me on the spot, thanks.

- the devastation steve must be feeling when they figure out the stones are gone??? gutting. he was so sure they would be able to bring everyone back wit the stones once they’d taken care of thanos. he was so ready for a fight, so ready to get his revenge and make things right, and there just. was no fight, no way to bring his friends back. he’d lost bucky all over again, and now he’s lost sam, too. sam, who he dragged into all this. that kind of guilt festers in him for those five years, no doubt.

- i wanna know what steve did for those five years. because, yes, we see him talking in that small therapy group, but not only is he giving advice he’s not taking himself, but he’s just not shown doing much of anything else. he’s holding on to all his trauma and grief and not dealing with it, just like he’s been doing since he left the ice. so what is he doing all that time??? but also seeing him in a therapy group setting made my heart swell a little bit because you know he did that for sam. he misses his friend and is doing that for him, i will not believe anything otherwise. sam was and is so important to him.

- this is unrelated to steve but is important to me as a bi: carol’s hair looked so good i made a noise when i saw it and my friend hit me in the arm 

- god i wish we saw more of steve and nat interact. because clearly they’ve been in contact with one another for the past 5 years and that’s probably the longest running friendship he’s had going besides bucky so. it’s nice to know he didn’t lose everyone in one way or another for those 5 years. they just know each other so well and recognize the similarities between one another and i’m just really glad he wasn’t all alone all that time.

- steve is so done with everyone throughout this movie, including himself. it’s beautiful.

- sidenote, i could not take bruce seriously as a character the way he was and i don’t know why. also they did thor dirty. they did thor so dirty. he was a joke until they needed him to fight. the level of guilt and trauma thor is dealing with is immeasurable and they turned it into comic relief by leaning into fat-shaming and joking about alcoholism???? nah man, that’s not okay. not at all. address that he’s dealing with ptsd, show that he’s using unhealthy coping mechanisms, and help him. don’t make fun of him, don’t just let him keep doing that to himself, help him. the only scene in the whole movie i genuinely liked with him in it was his scene with frigga. because she took him seriously, she was willing to listen and offer advice and tell him what he needed to hear. that scene was so important.

- another sidenote, as much as i disliked p.epperony in the past, this movie made me appreciate them more. because i’ve always loved them both as individual characters, pepper potts owns my whole soul, but as a couple they were just written in a way that made me not love it as the movies went on. however, this movie really showed growth in their development as a couple, in pepper accepting tony for who he is and the needs he has to do good. also tony is an amazing father and it’s just so validating to see a character who grew up with an abusive parent break the cycle and become soft and kind in any interactions he has with his daughter. you can tell how much he loves his family, and it’s what he deserved.

- okay so i hope we can all agree the time travel science in this movie was fucked and they did a really bad job at explaining how it works. it was not clear, did not make sense, and following standard time travel laws there were a million paradoxes happening and it makes me angry. nebula killing her past self? bullshit bc she should not exist after that. steve’s whole ending??? also bullshit but i’ll get to that later because that’s an essay in itself.

- tony giving steve the shield back was such a big deal okay. the fact that tony has acknowledged that holding onto the resentment was detrimental to his own health and being was so important. we got a handshake and i really thought they were gonna go for a hug but noooo that’d be too much to ask for i guess. but steve hasn’t seen or held that thing in like 7 years it has to be nice to have it in his hands again, seeing as he always refers to it as an extension of his arm and all. and to be getting it back, nice and polished, from tony probably means a great deal to him as well.

- okay now let’s get to the actual time travel bit. steve and tony being the ones to zap back to 2012???? my god its like everything i ever wanted was handed to me on a platter. that movie was what got me on this marvel train and as even with its issues, it holds such a dear place in my heart. so you know the second that ‘2012′ popped onto the screen i was ready to combust. and then it just got better because it felt like an extension of the movie, like we were seeing deleted scenes, which was just. really nice?? 

- god okay “america’s ass” gave me so much life as dumb as the whole joke was. because tony blatantly checking out steve’s ass?? my dude thats the gayest thing i’ve ever seen with my own two eyes. but then tony commenting on how his ass looks in the suit???? i was living, okay. living. and the fact that he checked out his past self’s ass and was like ‘yeah, damn straight’ amused me greatly.

- ngl the ‘hail hydra’ bit made me uncomfy initially, but honestly i’m just gonna appreciate how clever my boy is and how stupid hydra is. his ‘i’m clever and i know it and i just outsmarted piece of shit nazis’ smile as he walked away from the elevator with the case???? priceless. i was half expecting another elevator fight but i guess that wouldn’t really make sense sfdghj

- steve fighting himself? past steve reacting to the compass appearing and getting super fucking pissed over the concept that someone might’ve taken it or something??? the fact that it was ‘bucky is alive’ that had him going full stop???? oof. also, the ‘i can do this all day’ and ‘yeah, i know’ was funny initially but oh my god is my boy exhausted. he’s so tired. he’s been fighting for decades. someone let him rest. please. 

- also unrelated, i wanna know where the fuck loki fucked off to when he grabbed the tessaract. like is this where the concept for his spinoff show comes from???? what did he do????

- steve and tony being on the same wavelength and trusting each other??? steve trusting tony wholeheartedly even if he didn’t fully know what it was tony was planning?? important. so, so important.

- steve in camp lehigh. oh my god. why did no one recognize captain america???? it’s been twenty years, sure, but y’all slapped ‘birthplace of captain america’ on your sign and there’s probably pictures of his face around in more places than peggy’s desk. you’re telling me no one would recognize him standing in the middle of the military camp??? nah, i don’t buy it. y’all had poor disguises and didn’t even get him sunglasses or anything. c’mon guys, you’re better than this.

- okay look this isn’t a tony blog but what the fuck was that scene with howard,, i understand it in terms of why they included it when looking at the narrative. because of tony’s whole ‘resentment is corrosive, didn’t like it’ thing and the need for closure on that front before his story ends, but he didn’t owe howard jack shit, let alone a ‘thank you’. that man, even if he had the best intentions and wanted tony to succeed in the future because he knew he had potential, was neglectful and abusive. he was not affectionate, he did not make tony feel as though he were loved, and it deeply affected tony as a person. the fact that he doesn’t know how far along his own wife is with their firstborn child??? big red flag right there, friends. sure, it’s good to show kids with bad relationships with their parents that its possible to work through negative emotions and resentment and move on with their lives but this was not the example to give. tony did not owe his father anything at that point. he’d moved on, made himself better, became a better father than howard was to him. i’m just. so angry about it okay.

- steve looking through the glass of peggy’s office at her, believing this was the last time he was going to see her again??? broke my heart but i called it as soon as i knew time travel was involved in this movie. i knew they’d throw a ‘steve sees her while traveling and is really sad about it’ bit in there somewhere. and i would have been content if that was it, if that was all he got. if that was the closure he got, one last glimpse of her. the fact that twenty years later she still has the picture of him, before he was captain america, on her desk??? erases any of the development and growth we know she went through in her series and whatnot, but it’s a good reminder that peggy carter was one of the few people that saw steve for who he was. she saw the skinny kid from brooklyn and knew he had what it took to be a hero, she saw him for the good man he was. she loved him for who he was. that means a great deal to steve, who no doubt struggles with the line between steve and cap a lot. but by this point, peggy would have moved on. in the series, she had moved on. erasing all of that development is detrimental to her character and i refuse it.

- seeing jarvis again was a treat. i squeaked.

- what the fuck was that with natasha??? what kind of man-pain fuel was that??? and why didn’t she get the proper funeral/mourning she deserved??? she’s been around since im2, she was the one who united the avengers, she was the first female avenger (bc they swept janet van dyne under the rug but thats a whole other rant), and that’s the end of her arc??? as soon as i saw where her and hawkeye were headed i just knew. i knew what was gonna happen and i was hissing internally. because i knew there was no way she’d be like ‘yeah you’re my best friend, you have a family, you go ahead and jump’ and on behalf of all the mcu writers i wanna apologize to all c.lint.asha shippers for the mess the mcu gave y’all. i’m so sorry j*ss fucked it up for y’all bc he wanted something for two characters no one else wanted. she deserved to be mourned. she didn’t deserve to be forgotten for like the rest of the film after that initial ‘she’s gone’. she deserved a funeral, too. steve just lost one of his closest friends???? on top of everything else he’s lost, let him express that. please.

- so back on my s.tony shit, the ‘that’s my man’ when tony nudged steve awake to hand him back his shield after the compound blew up??? not heterosexual at all. y’all aren’t even trying to hide it anymore u bastards

- STEVE ROGERS USING THE HAMMER. Y’ALL. Y’ALL. MY BOY IS WORTHY AND I KNEW IT AND THIS MEANS HE SPARED THOR IN AOU BC HE’S A COMPASSIONATE LOSER WHO DIDN’T WANT TO HURT HIS FRIEND’S PRIDE AND FEELINGS. BUT GOD THAT WAS THE COOLEST GODDAMN THING I’VE SEEN ON SCREEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. HIM USING BOTH HIS SHIELD AND THE HAMMER AT THE SAME TIME, MAKING COMBO STRIKE OUT OF IT??? USING THE LIGHTING???? MAN I CAN TELL YOU WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT I HAVE NOT SCREAMED SO LOUD IN A MOVIE THEATER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. GOD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

- all the ladies fighting together?? shielding peter???? kicking ass together??? gave me life. that was the most beautiful scene in the entire mcu,,, it made my bi heart burst,, all it was missing was nat, but it was a nice way to be like ‘this is what she started’. and seeing pepper out there as rescue was just the cherry on top okay i love her sm she’s so cool and finally fighting out there alongside tony and rhodey. my wife carol danvers is also the coolest??? not even flinching when thanos does whatever head-butt thing he was going for??? god i love my wives.

- ‘on your left’ god damn yes let sam wilson be the one to announce that they’re all back my boy deserves it. i wanted a proper reunion between steve and sam and/or bucky. we didn’t get that. we didn’t get that!!!!!! we didn’t get anything like that!!!!! steve was primarily on his own for 5 years because he lost his two best friends and we don’t get a reunion scene??? i call bullshit, marvel

- also rocket trying to shield groot with his own little body during the aerial attack??? broke my little heart??? like he just got him back and is terrified that he’ll lose him again,,,

- no one talk to me about tony stark i can’t handle it, he deserved to be happy and live a long life with his family. he deserved that happy ending, but i’m so grateful that pepper just. understood what he needed. she knew what he needed to hear and was there for him and could just ‘we’ll be okay, you can rest’. and give him that peace of mind. he did it, he saved the universe, he brought everyone back, he can rest. but god he really deserved to be able to rest with his family, happy and alive, okay.

- steve’s small exchange with bucky was like a nice reference to the first cap movie, but that was all we got. steve has spent multiple movies trying to get bucky back and help him, and we don’t even get a reunion scene and then just this one little bit of back and forth. a soft ‘i’ll miss you’, even though its technically only supposed to be seconds for them?? like,,, does that means bucky knows??? like, he has a feeling he knows what steve’s gonna do??? idk man, idk. all i do know is that they deserved better in this movie. i’m also summing up bucky’s telling sam to go talk to steve as bucky’s ‘i don’t know if i can handle that’ admission tbh.

- god bless sam wilson. between being the one to be like ‘bring him back. where is he? get him back.’ the second something seemed to go wrong with the time travel was,,, really nice. like, thank you for caring about my boy. thank you for always having his back. i love you so much sam wilson. and anyone who thinks sam shouldn’t be the one to get the shield can meet me in a back alley okay, this man has earned it, he’s the right pick for the cap mantle. the cap theme playing when he was given the shield? Iconic. did i cry whenever the cap theme played during this movie?? Absolutely.

- time travel in this movie is a fucking joke but i wanna know if steve had to see the red skull when he returned the soul stone because can you imagine??? that interaction??? like, did anyone warn him??? did anyone tell him the red skull was there or was it only implied when clint said something about a red man or whatever after coming back and being upset about natasha???? but also where did steve travel back to in order to start his new life??? were there just two caps in the universe??? one in the ice and one living his life w/ peggy???? none of it makes sense. none of it. where does the shield go/come from???? guys??? guys.

-okay now we address the end of steve’s arc. i’m gonna start by saying i see both sides of the discourse it’s stirred up. i understand the intention behind it, not wanting steve’s story to just be one big tragedy. because that’s where it was headed. if they killed him, he would have been fighting for decades on end without rest, without knowing peace, and that would’ve been it. that’s not the end people want to see for their heroes. he deserves to be able to put down the shield and rest. he deserves that ending for himself after fighting his whole life. However, the way they did it not only flattened his entire arc, but it flattened peggy’s entire character as well. she built a life in his absence, she moved on, and he knows this. he knew this, and i refuse to believe that steve would selfishly go back and disrupt that, take that away from her for the sake of his own personal happiness. that’s not steve rogers, a good and compassionate man. because think about the life he’d have to lead, knowing all he does. because if he isn’t supposed to disrupt the timeline, he has to let everything with hydra happen and infiltrate shield, something he knows peggy’s dedicated to, he has to let everything with bucky happen and be okay with not stepping in and rescuing his best friend from that horrific life/killing tony’s parents, he has to watch both tony and sharon grow up knowing everything about their lives??? (not to mention how fucking weird everything with sharon would be  considering the mcu just forgot about her after they made out in the parking lot???? sharon deserved better.) 

- this wasn’t an end of an arc, it was the flattening of an arc. he didn’t actually deal with anything that he’d been through. tws was all about how he needed to move on, peggy herself told him that the world was changing and he had to move with it instead of lingering in the past and what he lost. he was supposed to be building himself a new life, addressing what he lost and the trauma he’s been through and work through it all to push onward. that’s development. he got away with not working on himself or anything he went through, the group therapy was never actually beneficial because he didn’t take any of his advice, he clung to his emotions and grief and wasn’t able to move on and says as much. giving him this easy way out just feels lazy in my opinion. like they didn’t know what to do with him, wanted him to end up happy, and this was the only way they saw that happening because he wasn’t properly developed over the course of the mcu. i’m happy my boy ended up happy, don’t get me wrong, i was very close to sobbing over him finally getting that dance, but it was highly unsatisfactory in terms of a story and character arc.

#sir that is my emotional support canon divergence ( ooc ) #long post #endgame spoilers #avengers endgame spoilers #a4 spoilers

[originaljediinjeans]

MCU Rewatch: “Black Panther” (2018)

Summary: *Deep thematic discussion,* “lol that thing is cute,” “I love Shuri”, “wait a minute, I’m white, am I the bad guy?” *Shameless Killmonger shaming* *Bucky angst* “Seriously what is up in Wakanda?” *more deep thematic discussion* “look at this and this random cute stuff” *more Bucky angst* “White Gary Stu is an important character, in this essay I will--” *tries not to get into discussing racial issues that I know nothing about* *fails*

Actually, Okoye and W’kabi already DO have a kid: it’s the rhino!!!!! XD

Young T’challa in the prologue asking his father about the story of how Wakanda came to be and why they hide from the outside world--that is a kid trying to understand why the world is the way it is. And that is something that T’challa is still trying to grasp when we fast forward to present day. Even then, T’challa’s experiences in Civil War have already opened his eyes to the struggles in the outside world and the suffering of innocent people.

King T’chaka is VERY imposing in that flashback scene

The issue of Bucky Barnes is palpable in the subtext of the conversation between Nakia, Okoye, and T’challa when they bring Everett back with them from Korea, if nowhere else in the film. Anyone seeing BP for the first time after CACW would be aware of the context. Obviously Barnes is not a concern to them at the moment because he is on cryo and has one arm. Okoye probably had an easier time swallowing T’challa wanting to help Bucky because he was a fugitive who would not be safer anywhere else and he was framed for a crime he did not commit, aka killing the previous king. She might have thought it was fair, in fact, for T’challa to make reprimands for attempting to murder the poor thing.  Everett Ross is a white man also but in completely different circumstances that Okoye very pointedly outlines: he is a foreign intel operative, and if they let him live and leave Wakanda then he will tell the rest of the world what they saw there (unless the Wakandans have some kind of brainwashing tech of their own--maybe they’re too humane for that but why wouldn’t they? Or just leave Everett unconscious in Shuri’s lab until he recovers and then when he’s ready take him outside the border and leave him there to wake up). Okoye is basically saying, “Look, T’challa, Barnes was one thing, helping this guy is a terrible idea because he is more likely to betray us if we let him live.” But to Nakia and T’challa it makes no difference: Everett is a human being, if they have the means and resources to help Everett recover then they should help. Is a person’s life really worth less than an entire country’s safety? Shuri’s jibe “another broken white boy” serves to burst the bubble of that tension.

No, seriously, T’challa put the kimoyo bead into Everett’s wound and offered to take him to Wakanda and Okoye’s face was like WHAT

I’m just gonna call him Everett to differentiate him from Thunderbolt Ross. Maybe Everett the Leveret.

Okoye doesn’t care who she kills. She serves her country and whoever in her mind is legally the king. Anyone who is a threat to the throne that she is sworn to protect she will kill--”Without question.” It’s not that she doesn’t value life, but she values her oath as a member of the Dora Millaje. Her country, her people, her monarch: those are her priorities. 

But would she have been happy afterward about if if she had been forced to kill her own husband? Clearly she was conflicted about working for Killmonger, and as soon as she found a loophole she broke ranks and took all the Dora Millaje with her. She does not want to support a monarch who will cause Wakanda to commit needless bloodshed in the rest of the world. The other Dora Millaje saw how ruthlessly Killmonger murdered Zuri and then threw T’challa off the waterfall: they are not here for it.

If the new king of Wakanda wants to get into international relief, then Okoye will stand by her king. 

*smh* T’challa and Nakia flirting on the job. I’m not saying they shouldn’t do it. By all means, continue.

Just putting this out there: a film or mini-series about Nakia or Wakanda’s foreign operatives would be pretty sweet

Also, it’s nice to see Lupita N’yongo and Andy Serkis in roles that aren’t motion-captured. They are both incredible actors and having them did so much for this film.

The assault and robbery at the museum in London must have taken at least weeks of planning. 

I like how Queen Ramona wears a full-length gown with a fuller skirt to T’challa’s coronation. It’s still African in decoration but it’s a little more “European” than what everyone else is wearing. I guess in Wakanda the queen has the luxury of wearing a dress with that kind of skirt. 

Dealing with the loss of close family members is a theme throughout the film. The main Wakandan characters put aside their grief for King T’chaka for T’challa’s coronation, and I assume it was healing for T’challa to see his father again on the ancestral plain. But learning about his father’s covered mistakes shakes his perception of what his father was and how he ruled--how all the kings and queens before him ruled. And he has to address his grief again. T’challa decides that the best way forward for himself and his county is to change how Wakanda does things with the outside world. 

I don’t really like Shuri’s upgraded suit for T’challa. The purple nano-energy is kind of unsettling, or maybe I just don’t like how it looks against the black. I also don’t like how it tears up whatever clothes T’challa is wearing. But I understand why she did it.

On that note, Shuri is a princess, and that is WHY she has the time to do whatever she wants, and I just think it’s fun that she used her time to further her education during her teen years and go into technology research. It’s kind of like how modern royalty are advocates for the arts and certain pasttimes, but on the next level.

Apparently, some of Shuri’s technological advances (esp. the trains in the vibranium mine) have been pretty recent.

Also, Shuri is a multi-tasker, and she’s probably always working on six or seven projects at a time. And she’s not afraid to do more. She starts on one, puts it aside to work on another, and while she switches between tasks she thinks about how to do the others. This girl is...way ahead of everyone. Especially me. But I’d love to be friends with her. IDK how to make her not see that I’m just another “colonizer” but I’ll figure it out.

“Shuri calling people “GENIUS!” when they get on her nerves. 

She’s territorial about her lab.

Another point about Shuri: other Wakandans’ kimoyo beads might have a certain set of functions, but Shuri probably programmed hers to sync to everything she touches

My dad commented while watching that the potion that strips away the power of the heart-shaped herb is “nasty stuff.” No shucks, Sherlock. 

Gosh, I hate Killmonger. He is so smug, he is so condescending to everyone he meets. He is so convinced that he’s right that when he first enters the throne room he acts like he’s already won the challenge and become the king. He only wants to build a “Wakandan Empire” to satisfy his own angst--how much does he even care about his “brothers and sisters”? He is convinced that every person in the world is his enemy. EVERY. PERSON. Including me. Including T’challa. Including the aunt and cousin he’s never met. Including the white guy in the fridge he doesn’t know about. Erik is next-level messed up. He’s just the worst.

(I’m white--am I supposed to take the discourse that “white people are evil” personally?) 

“Hey Auntie.” Every time I hear that line I want to break through the fourth wall and slap him.

I mean, only a really heartless person would not feel sorry for the trauma that Erik went through when he lost his dad. And deep down, I sympathize with Killmonger’s anger, and I have such a rigid way of thinking that I admit that I am tempted to wonder about righting the world’s wrongs with violent means. Is he right that white colonizers ruined the world for Africans? Yes. But no, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth leaves the whole world blind and toothless.” Punishing the “class” of people who have “wronged” the “oppressed” only furthers the cycle of pain and suffering. And pain and suffering are not limited by wealth and status and nationality. Solving the world’s problems isn’t about putting others down, it is about pulling people up and letting them heal. That is why T’challa’s strategy of international outreach is the right one. 

Which is why the post-credit scene with Bucky is actually relevant to the film as a whole: he was the first person in need that T’challa and Shuri were able to give to. T’challa choosing to help Bucky paved the way for  deciding to share Wakanda’s resources with the less fortunate in the world. 

(I’m saying that to myself like I’m angry that Bucky is there at all. It’s called having a mental illness that wants to destroy the things I care about the most. Like there’s this demon in my brain that wants to agree with the extremists who think that Bucky and Everett were “valued” more than Killmonger. Killmonger let himself die because he had the same outlook that all white people are scum and refused to open himself to the possibility that he was wrong--unlike T’challa.)  

“This movie vilifies African-Americans and puts native Africans on a pedestal.” SCREW THAT CRAP. Killmonger was as much a victim as he was a villain. And T’challa and his entire country got called out for not helping other people of African descent across the world. Gosh *rrrgh* 

Having the heir to the throne available to be challenged by the heirs of the other tribal leaders was part of the inter-tribal agreement of how to govern Wakanda. It’s supposed to make it “fair” to the different groups, including the Jabari. That probably implies that the tribal council members are interrelated to each other and the royal family since the monarch has been chosen from different ruling families and they would have intermarried to keep their status--the fact that T’challa has an on and off relationship with the daughter of the River Tribe chief kind of validates that theory. Which tribes were Ramona and T’chaka part of? I’m curious.

I’m not sure how much contact the Jabari have with the rest of Wakanda but I’ll bet M’baku enjoys sending the reigning monarch passive-aggressive letters or something like that. 

I am a huge fan of T’challa’s black robe that he wears on his first day as king.

I really hope the heart-shaped herb grows in the wild

(I wonder if average Wakandans have access to the heart-shaped herb, maybe for medicinal uses)

It is interesting how falling asleep into the trance from the heart-shaped herb is depicted as having flashbacks to the death of the new king’s predecessor/father. It’s kind of like falling asleep IRL and your subconscious slowly takes over.

T’challa dragging M’baku to the edge of the waterfall during their fight was a gutsy move. But I still think T’challa is a Hufflepuff.

T’challa does not like to compromise. It’s kind of unsettling to watch him talking to Everett in their first two scenes: it’s like T’challa thinks he is dictating actual reality while Everett still insists on what is real. 

Yeah, Everett, I hate 80s music too. Klaue probably listens to some real garbage.

I hate that they had to kill off such a great villain and he was being so villainous, but I think the screenwriters felt like that was the only way the Wakandans would let Killmonger into their country, War Dog tattoo or not.

I am just...really soft for the border tribe rhinos, okay?

I’m not sure how much Ulysses Klaue is pretending to be crazy and how much he’s been actually off his rocker since Ultron tore off his arm but after this viewing I’m pretty sure it’s mostly pretending. It is convincing, though.

Did W’kabi ever get counseling after his parents’ deaths?

...actually, does Wakanda even HAVE psychotherapy/counseling like the rest of the world does? Or do they count on technology and medicines to fix all our mental health and emotional problems? You’d think they would have counseling. You’d think they have everything we have except better, but what if they don’t? You’d think that could have been an option for Bucky, except he was so afraid of being triggered by his own shadow. 

I have, like, a lot of questions just about how things are done in Wakanda in general

Like they have access to foreign films and the rest of the world’s internet. The world just can’t tap into them. They see us but we can’t see them. Wakandans know what the outside world is like but they don’t bother about getting on the same page.

T’challa and Shuri are a great team, I want to see them in action together more in the future

I like the jacket that Okoye wears in Korea

In all fairness, Everett Ross is used to being the man in charge, and T’challa is a challenge to his authority. From T’challa’s perspective, he is rude and abrasive, but that’s why he does what he does. Even though T’challa is the king of another country, that doesn’t change anything in Everett’s playbook. Everett acts the way he was trained: he tries to speak up because it’s his job to inform people about his interpretation of the situation, he helps out Okoye and Nakia during the car chase but that’s because he’s after Klaue too so he might as well. He volunteers to help overthrow Killmonger--”hey, you’re going to need all the help you can get”--because he knows as well as the others that if Killmonger can carry out his plan then it could create a global catastrophe. His background info on Erik Stevens informs T’challa and company that Killmonger was not a good person, nor did he have good intentions being in Wakanda.

I don’t really like how Shuri kind of puts Everett down: “broken white boy”, “colonizer,” “I know everything about you plus I’m smarter than you so you do as I tell you because you’re a stupid outsider”. I get it, it’s supposed to be justice for hundreds of years of white people treating Africans like this. So me being white, naturally, it makes me uncomfortable. But I don’t see why it’s nice, even if it is cute. It’s like she’s treating him like a pet hamster, or a rabbit or a hare...a baby hare...a leveret.

How am I supposed to know that Shuri doesn’t see Bucky Barnes as just another fun science project? Or just a favor she’s doing for her brother? That’s my jealousy talking, but I think those are questions worth asking.

I’m glad that Shuri recognizes Everett’s skill as a pilot. But she barely explains to him what he’s supposed to do when they arrive in the laboratory--and then she and Nakia hurry off to change into their battle costumes (and Shuri does her hair and makeup, too). Did they not go over the plan in detail and explain things to the noob beforehand?

Zuri had a lot of survivor’s guilt. I don’t blame him but it’s still really sad. You didn’t have to do that, sir.

Even if the Jabari did eat white people, Everett Ross would be just a snack to them.

I kind of like the casual button-up outfit that Everett wears for most of his Wakanda scenes. I think that’s the sort of thing I’d like to see Bucky wearing while he’s in Wakanda

My mom says that in the scene where we see T’challa reenter the throne room she saw M’Baku in there. Really? Was Everett Ross there too? 

M’baku is a much nicer person than we give him credit for being. But he really is kind of a drama queen. An he’s just rude. He’s cool but like, come on, man. 

Seriously, when he teases Everett about eating him, Ramona, Nakia, and Shuri all give M’baku a look like, “Dude, he’s with us, not now. This isn’t helping.” : /

I’m definitely sticking around for the Black Panther sequel to see how M’baku and W’kabi continue to complicate or uncomplicate things for T’challa

I love how T’challa was shown taking the time processing the news that his father had killed his uncle and how Nakia was helping him through it. It’s like Ryan Coogler understood something that the writers and directors of Captain Marvel did not...

The Queen Mother doesn’t do much in the film but she shines in the scene where she administers the herb to her son. She knows the ritual, she knows how to prepare the herb, she knows just what to do.

“We may be creating a bigger monster with M’baku.” I just LOVE that line. When I was in college I went to the English symposium, and I went to a panel on Frankenstein. One of the papers discussed the relationship between the creator and the creation, and one of the examples the author used was Iron Man 2 and the relationship between Tony Stark and the “monster” that his father created. And the theme runs through the entire MCU and here Ramona Says the Thing Out Loud and it’s amazing.

Golly, that must’ve been a fun hike, up steep trails and slippery ice to Jabariland with a white guy who has no idea what’s going on and thinks he needs to be in charge. While you’re suffering from the fact that your son/brother/ex is most likely dead. Were any of the ladies tempted to just push him off a cliff? Well, I’m glad they didn’t because that wouldn’t have helped their cause.

OR MAYBE: Everett, because he is a nice person, helps the ladies climb up the steep, secret mountain trails safely, he lets them lead the way because clearly he doesn’t know his way around; he and Shuri help Ramona out because she is older, even with Wakandan treatments for aging joints and arthritis she’s still a little stiff, and Ramona tells him “Thank you” and looks him in the eyes when she does so. He catches Nakia when she slips on ice, “Thank you, but I am sure I can take care of myself.” “I know you can, ma’am. Just watch your step.” Everett wishes he and the others had better hiking gear and warm coats instead of just blankets. Shuri and Nakia catch Everett when he falls at least twice: he’s still recovering from his gunshot wound, and the altitude is getting to him. Everett and the three women don’t talk that much while they are hiking, they hold hands and pull each other up while going up the steeper trails. Getting up the mountain takes a team effort and Everett is a part of it.

Nakia; “You know, Okoye wanted to just leave you to die.”    Everett: “That’s comforting.”

Of course I get the symbolism of Killmonger and T’challa fighting in the vibranium mine--that mine is literally everything that Wakanda is built on. 

“Please stay--I know a way you can still fulfill your calling.” Nakia is like, okay, I’m not sure I believe you, lemme just kiss you.” T’challa is so soft I can’t even.

It is so cool that there are so many female lead characters that are powerful and influential. AND they’re warriors, how cool is that? I respect Nakia, Shuri, and Okoye so much. I might have more in common with them than I realize. More likely, they’re the ideal I should work for. Goes to show how badly I need a sequel.

The reason I like Black Panther so much is because I am white and this film gave me a way to empathize with the black experience. One of the superpowers of fiction is to be a medium to help us discover empathy for others.

It’s like what T’challa says to Steve Rogers in the Civil War mid-credit scene: his dad and the man framed for murdering his dad were both victims of a greater evil. Skin color, wealth, political status--there is nothing that makes that commonality invalid. And T’challa knew that he and his long-lost cousin Erik had a lot in common in spite of a lifetime of not knowing about his existence.

Every character in this film has a story that is beautifully told and I am here for every single one. (Maybe not so much Killmonger and Klaue)

If it’s not too much to ask, though, please be kind to Everett Ross, he is doing his best. He didn’t have to help T’challa take back his country, but it was his job anyway and he knew what T’challa and Nakia and Shuri were up against. (Plus they needed a gosh-darn pilot). T’challa, Nakia, and Shuri refusing his assistance because he was an ignorant outsider would have defeated the entire point of the the story. He is a better person for his experience in Wakanda, and the world is a better place for T’challa having saved his life at all. Everett is, at the very least, a role model for stepping up.

Everett also reminds me of a smol and determined epaulette shark--but then again, he’s played by the same actor who played Bilbo Baggins. 

I GUESS some feedback on this post would be helpful. There are some parts where I need to be more blunt about my perspective in order to express my thoughts. Also my feelings about Bucky are kind of not in a good place right now.

#black panther movie #mcu rewatch #wakanda #shuri #killmonger #t'challa #Everett Ross #bucky barnes #meta #headcanons

[justwintersebby]

‘Infinity War’: Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan on Reuniting with the Avengers

Last summer, I was invited alongside a group of journalists to visit the Atlanta, Georgia set of Avengers: Infinity War. You can read a more in-depth account about my experience on the set here, but suffice it to say that it was indeed epic. The amount of star-power in this movie is mind-boggling, and over the next several weeks I’ll be publishing interviews with the cast and creatives behind it all. They couldn’t reveal much in the way of specifics, of course, but it was really fun to just see their banter and interactions — which is really the crux of what the Avengers movies are all about.

So much has happened in the MCU since we visited Pinewood studios, and we got a little update at the end of Black Panther about Bucky Barnes (Sebastian Stan) , a.k.a. the Winter Soldier’s whereabouts. As for Anthony Mackie’s Falcons, one of the primary questions was that, for such a grounded character, what has it been like for his character to see things like a talking raccoon, much less Thanos? The two actors filled us in:

QUESTION: So what is Bucky doing in Wakanda?

STAN: The same thing he was doing in Wakanda the last time you saw him in Wakanda.

MACKIE: Hanging out. Eating Wakandanese food.

STAN: Dreaming in his little space craft. Well, that’s the last time you saw him, right? So, he’s here taking in the scenery, I guess. And the scenery ain’t great?

In between Civil War and Infinity War, has Falcon been with Cap and Widow?

MACKIE: No. We all kind of went on our separate ways after Civil War. We all kind of went on our separate ways and we were in hiding because of everything that happened in Civil War. So now, we get the call to rally, and here we are: Avengers 3.

What can you tell us about Thanos? What does Winter Solider think about him? What does Falcon think about him?

STAN: Winter Soldier is just enjoying his new arm. And that’s really where he’s at.

MACKIE: It’s a nice arm. All lubed up and ready to go.

STAN: And he’s learning new information as he goes along.

For Anthony, your character is a very realistic kind of guy, so what does he think when he hears about this all-powerful being whose going to kill everyone?

MACKIE: One thing about Falcon I’ve always loved since the beginning of discovering this character is his military background, his belief that his job in life is to fight for his fellow man. So when he hears about Thanos and his overall idea of world destruction, he’s very disheartened and shaken by it. He’s eager to get into the fight against this super evil, this diabolical demon known.

Winter Soldier’s been through a lot of emotional trauma. Has he had some therapy since Civil War?

STAN: Absolutely. Yes. Definitely. Much more.

So he’s more peppy and perky?

STAN: I’ll tell you, in the ten pages that I was allowed to read, I didn’t see that.

MACKIE: No perk.

How do your characters feel getting back together again, since we know you were best buds?

STAN: This was our first scene reuniting, and I thought it was warm.

MACKIE: It was. A warm greeting. I realized he’s had a rough few years. He’s been frozen. I’m black so I haven’t aged. We’re just surprised to see each other again. On a new mission.

Is there another car seat moment?

MACKIE: No no.

STAN: No, but I think we kind of found a good sequel to that —

MACKIE: — a good compromise.

What can you say about the reunion with Cap? How’d that go?

STAN: It went by fast. It felt pretty natural. We weren’t milking the moment or anything. It is what it is. I think the urgency of the circumstance that we find ourselves in kind of makes things go a little bit quicker.

What about bringing the other characters of the Marvel Universe together? You said you’ve only read ten pages so far, but are you looking forward to interacting with any characters or groups?

STAN: I don’t know. It’s going to be challenging for sure because there’s so many different tones to these films and that all of these characters carry. So I think it’ll be interesting to see how tonally everybody fits into the same world. You’ve shot some already, right?

MACKIE: Yeah. The great thing is that tonally, how the movie’s working now everyone—it’s not like you see one person who is the lead of the movie. It’s truly an ensemble movie. I would say if anybody is the lead of the movie it’s Thanos. And it’s all of us working around, orbiting Thanos because he’s such a big bad guy. He’s the uber bad guy.  He’s the worst bad guy of all bad guys of all time. So you can’t like put them in three scenes down, then a fight scene at the end. You really have to give them just due. So, our relationship and our scenes are more ensemble-based.

What are you character’s reactions to seeing something like a talking raccoon?

STAN: As usual I question my own stability, mentally and wonder whether or not I should have just stayed asleep. Things clearly did not get better.

MACKIE: They did not work out well!

We’ve been told that for secrecy’s sake you’ve been getting script pages day-of. So what’s it like building the arc of a character when you don’t necessarily know what the scenes are going to be?

MACKIE: We have an outline. We have an overall idea of what the movie is. The Russos come to us and tell us where we are in the movie. You know for an actor, the most important thing is where you’re coming from and where you’re going, to explain what your’re doing in that scene. So they always give us that information.

STAN: There’s also trust. We’ve been with these characters so long, I feel like they trust us. It’s not like you’re showing up to all new material. You come to it with a history, and that’s part of it also.

How does the Russos’ Avengers set differ from Whedon’s?

MACKIE: You know the great thing about their style of directing is it’s really actor-first. It’s really supportive of your craft and your process, and what you bring to the characters. The best thing about working with Marvel is they know what everyone does well, and what you don’t do well. So they put you around people who do well, what you don’t do well. They put us in a position to win, every single time with every single scene. And [screenwriters] Markus and McFeely work in that same vein. They know how to get the beats between the two of us. They know how to get to be between him and Cap. They know how to work Black Panther into it, and all of our newfound surprise, arriving here in Wakanda. So all of that works in there.

Thanos is the main character with all you guys circling around him. The Russos said that every character has to have an arc, their own journey to go on. How do you feel about your character’s journey throughout this film?

STAN: It feels good. It’s certainly been a lot more of a stable situation for my guy, from what we’ve been used to and stuff. It’s interesting, I’m really still discovering him. You can’t just turn a hard right and everything’s great. I’m still finding it to be honest.

MACKIE: The thing for me is that continuous line, being a supporter of Cap and where he is in his journey. I kind of enjoy being along for the ride, step-by-step. You know when I first met the Avengers I was like, “Holy shit. If the Avengers need me, I’m there!” You know it’s just been ridiculous moment after ridiculous moment for me. So when I walk up and see a talking raccoon, it’s just a ridiculous moment leading to the next ridiculous thing. So it’s always just a fun journey.

Can you talk about how the team of the Avengers is seen by others? How do people feel about the Avengers when they take on this global threat?

STAN: I don’t think they feel too bad, considering what they’re seeing. Maybe for some people, you pick the least-worse situation … Avengers are always going to stand for more good than something negative.

MACKIE: And where we were in Civil War, we didn’t have the best moral support from the people because we were dropping cities on their babies. But now, people are starting to rally around this again.

Is there a lot of destruction on Earth, is that what people are scared of?

MACKIE: Dude, did you see Civil War? I didn’t see it. I heard it’s pretty good. The black dude is great.

STAN: Chadwick was pretty fantastic.

MACKIE: That’s what I heard. That’s what I heard! I heard he was pretty good.

STAN: This [movie also includes] planets and universes and stuff, so it’s more than just this planet.

[This interview has been edited for length and clarity] (x)

#Sebastian Stan #anthony mackie #collider #interview #avengers: infinity war #infinity war #iw #bucky barnes #sam wilson #jws