#I also just hate my brain when it decides that today my meds are NOT ENOUGH stimulation

[agoodfictitle-shadowban]

The Fate You Fight - Pt. 1

Wanda Maximoff x F!Reader

Word Count: 4.7k

[TFYF Masterlist]

Tags: soulmate AU, telephatic link soulmate, architect!reader, jewish!Wanda, post-MoM, hurt/comfort, no proofreading

Warnings: mention of abuse, description of violence, language

Summary: You never wanted anything to do with your soulmate, but when you find her in an advanced state of distress you had to help. After that, it becomes hard to let her go.

A/n: so, after asking everyone's opinion, i of course decided to do exactly the inverse of what people advised me to do because im a rebel like that. Or at this point im just accepting my fate that im not build to write one shots, one or the other

(Also the shadowban situation for my main fic blog is not resolved, so for now im gonna use that account and either it will become my full time fic account or if the shadowban reverse in like a week i'll go back to the old one.)

Taglist: @red1culous

It is said that the first time you cross paths with your soulmate, you develop the ability to hear their thoughts.

Needless to say, for Wanda, it meant nothing. Since she received her powers, she had always been able to hear everyone's thoughts around her. No matter how much she tried to block people, some would always get to her, loud thoughts, or the ones that were pushed the closest to the surface. And that meant she would likely never be able to find her soulmate, unless her soulmate found her - and that too was unlikely. As an Avenger, she mainly kept to herself. She didn't like to meet new people, or to go outside in crowded areas. In the end, as much as she dreamed of it as a kid, she gave up. She didn't need a soulmate anyway, she was one of the most powerful people to ever exist, and she had her friends. She would be fine without anyone.

As for you, you hated the concept of soulmates. You thought it was an egregious concept that you should follow someone around just because 'fate' (what was even fate? Did that prove the existence of a superior being or was it just a weird evolution of humans DNA? It was unlikely since you heard of humans having aliens soulmates. In the end, this was a debate for philosophers and scientists to settle, and you had no time for that) said you had to. And maybe it was motivated by childhood trauma - your parents were soulmates, but your dad still tried to kill your mom - but it was how you intended to live your life. No matter the thoughts that manifested in your mind, you would stay away from whoever intruded in your brain.

It was with this mindset that you heard a voice that wasn't yours in your head for the first time. You remembered it quite vividly since it happened during a bank robbery in which you were an unfortunate hostage. You usually led a peaceful life, you would wake up in the morning, get ready for college - you were a Columbia architecture student on a full ride scholarship thanks to your stellars marks and rowing prowess - go to your classes, stop at the library to work, then go to training, but today your roommate needed to stop by the bank, so you went with her. And that's when it happened. A loud bang and a hole in the ceiling, and everyone was on the ground in an instant, the people in masks barking orders around.

Next to you one idiot tried to stop the robbers, thinking it was his moment to shine as a licensed handgun owner. He was quickly shot down, blood splattering on you and your friend. You wiped your lips, trying to avoid tasting the iron tasting substance, only to see Anath, your friend, scramble to her knees to try and stop the bleeding. She was a med student, and she was a good one at that.

"Hey! Get back to your knees!" You heard the closest of the thief yell at her, the man's weapon in his belt now.

"I need to stop the bleeding," she said defiantly, her eyes on the dangerous man while she kept pressure on the wound. "Or this guy will die."

"I don't care! Lie down!" He pointed his rifle at her.

"No!" She was stubborn, she always had been.

The next second, it was like everything happened in slow motion when you saw him put his finger on the trigger. It was your turn to be an idiot as you were barely standing up when you dived to tackle him. Bullets flew around the room while you wrestled him. You might not be big on fighting, but you were able to compensate with sheer strength. Rowing sculpted your body years ago and it was easy to overpower someone who was so clearly out of shape. Taking the rifle from his hands, you used the cross to hit him in the head and have him pass out. Now the problem was two of his other friends who had weapons pointed at you.

You closed your eyes. That's not how you wanted your life to end, but you saved Anath, so you were fine with it.

But there was no roaring sound, and instead you heard groans and grunts, and the sound of people being slammed around. So you took a peek, and you saw both men enveloped by red auras being pushed against the ceiling, and then the ground, falling unconscious from the impact while the rest of the Avengers team rolled in with some SHIELD agents. Before you knew it, the situation was resolved and you were sitting at the edge of an ambulance with Anath next to you, both in a shock blanket. The man who was shot had been brought to the hospital while most of the other people stayed behind to give statements to the police or SHIELD, or went back home after giving their contact information. Everyone was safe, but you kept replaying the events in your head, the blood flying around, the fear of almost losing your life, when you heard it for the first time.

You had absolutely no idea what she was saying, the words in a language you couldn't understand.

Oh no, no, absolutely not, you thought to yourself, tensing like never before, even when you were in that bank you felt better. But you didn't really have time to flee before someone was in front of you, wearing a long red coat with a black corset and a skirt, brown hair flowing freely around her very, very pretty face. Her green eyes placated you into place.

"What you did inside… it was very heroic," she said, with the most stunning voice you've ever heard. Was it her? No. No way. First of all, Avenger, second of all, way too pretty, and finally, she had no accent - something that you of course ignored was that Wanda heavily worked with Natasha to get rid of her accent.

You opened your mouth uselessly before words finally fell out of it. "Oh, huh, you know, couldn't let my best friend get shot." She offered you a small laugh, and you wish you could have registered it to play it again and again.

"I understand. But, just so you know, you're safe now." She tilted her head as she gave you a warm smile.

That was an odd statement, so you tilted your head, mimicking her, but arched a teasing eyebrow. "How? Do you intend to follow me around to protect me?"

"What?" She blushed deeply, looking away. "No, of course not!"

Your snort turned into a laugh. "Sorry, I was joking." She was still blushing, but your laugh soon died down. "Hey, huh… thanks. For saving me."

"If that's how you thank me, mocking me like that…" she pouted just a bit, and it was adorable. You wished to see more of it.

"Okay, no more teasing."

She looked a bit longer at you, in an hesitation. Next to you, Anath was drinking the water she had been provided while watching what was happening in front of her with vested interest.

"Well, maybe I'll see you around another time," Wanda settled on. You were disappointed, but you kept it to yourself.

"See you around."

With that, she walked away, and Anath slapped your upper arm.

"Dude!"

"What?" You asked with a frown, rubbing your now pained arm.

"Sparks were flying, you should have asked for her number."

You scoffed at that. As if. "I don't have time to date."

And that was that. Your friend groaned from frustration but didn't insist. She knew of your aversion for soulmates, or at this point, dating in general.

It would be years before you saw Wanda again.

*

Years went by. The Sokovia Accords happened. Wanda found comfort in Vision. As a Synthesizoid he didn't have a soulmate, and she knew she would never find hers. And if she did? It would be unfair to impose that on that poor person. So she went with him. It was easy, uncomplicated, and she had good times. And then Thanos happened. Vision died. Westview. She became the Scarlet Witch and almost took one more life for herself, to claim a power she needed to protect her kids. They were all that mattered. But in the end, she couldn't. So she tried to destroy herself along the Darkhold. But she failed. She was still alive, she was still suffering, and she didn't know what to do. She became a shell of herself, called back to one of the only places she ever called home. She went back to the United States. To New York.

*

Years went by. The Sokovia Accords happened. The Blip happened. You stayed behind, already having lost everything else to illness, your mom dead after years of a losing fight - and were lucky enough to still have Anath with you. Your friend wasn't so lucky; she lost her soulmate that day. You moved back together again and for five years you did your best. It was hard. Humanity had lost so many people and the general grief that floated over everywhere in the world was too heavy for those left behind to truly move forward.

But you tried. 

God, you tried.

Then everyone came back and so many people were reunited. But the world lost two of their greatest heroes for good, and some more when they decided they couldn't fight anymore.

Anath and her soulmate reunited, but they both stayed with you as they still had to adjust to many things. It was good to hear your best friend laugh so hard again, and you were happy for her, but sometimes when you saw them together you would feel so lonely. You found yourself wondering how it would feel, but it was probably too late for that. You missed your opportunity and clearly, whoever your soulmate was wanted nothing to do with you or they would have manifested themselves the day you heard them for the first time. So you just accepted your lack of fate.

But Fate hadn't given up on you.

Since half of New York's population returned, your architecture firm had a lot of work and you were assigned to an old new project - one that was abandoned when money dried up due to the disappearance of those who commissioned your firm. The building you were working on had been left as it was, people with no homes moving in and out with no one to keep them out, before they were chased recently. It was none of your business, but you still felt bad about it and hoped they found their way back to loved ones or a place to stay, where they would get the help they needed.

You walked the decrepit building with an inspector to gauge the damages and what would need to be replaced or entirely remade before the project could get back on track. Garbage was littered around with moldy mattresses, the smell was terrible and you didn't need the inspector with you to guess there would be a lot of work to be done when you noticed the broken walls and black stains. But as you walked around, the both of you noticed a silhouette laying down on one of the mattresses. At first it was easy to miss it; there were a number of garbage bags and cardboard boxes thrown around.

"Shit! Did one of those parasites die here?" You frowned at the man next to you. "That's bad for us, it will give us more paperwork," he grumbled and you wanted to slap him across the face. He was talking about a person, for god's sake. "We should still call the cops."

As he was talking you came closer to the body and that's when you heard her again. It was barely above a whisper but it was there, somewhere in your head, and it hit you like a truck. How was that even possible?

You turned to the inspector who already had his phone out. "Call an ambulance. She's alive," you ordered him firmly.

He was surprised but he complied and soon enough you were in a hospital room, sitting on a chair in the corner as you looked at the woman hooked on monitors and fluids. Apparently, she was severely dehydrated and malnourished. You could see it in the way her cheeks caved inside, her skin pale and sickly. The end of her fingers were also colored black but the doctors had no idea why.

Of course you had recognized her, but you seemed to be the only one, and considering her state you decided to say you had no idea who she was, and she was entered as Jane Doe in the files. It was probably better that way. If she was leaving in this building slowly wasting away she probably didn't want any of her old friends to find her. Still, you were half of a mind to try and contact them. Get her off your hands. But something kept you from doing it.

You were ripped from your thoughts when Anath entered the room with two sandwiches and she handed you one.

"Can you still hear her?" She asked. Despite not giving away her real identity you informed the staff that she was your soulmate so she could be covered under your medical coverage. It was a neat little bonus you had thanks to your position in your company.

You took the sandwich, looking up to your friend briefly. "From time to time, but it's very faint."

"That's still a good sign." Your eyes fell back on the woman laying in the hospital bed. You felt Anath's hand on your shoulder. "She'll be fine, she just needs some rest."

Your best friend didn't try to address the elephant in the room; she knew of your aversion to soulmates but would never bring the subject up first.

"How long?"

"Hours, a day, maybe longer."

You kept your eyes on her even as you ate. You'd be there when she woke up, you owed her that. After all, she saved your life once upon a time.

*

You were in the office when Anath sent you a message. It took you twenty minutes to finally open it, and when you did, you swore in front of your boss. He sent you an empathetic smile when you told him what it was about and let you go. He was one of the people who lost his soulmate during the blip, he understood in some way how you felt about yours being in the hospital. You bolted. You were never one to run - you liked to take your time - but you made an exception. When you arrived, Wanda was awake.

"Sorry!" You exclaimed, breath ragged by your run. "I was working when I heard you were awake."

The confusion on her face was obvious, and you cringed. Of course she had no idea who you were. When she saved you, she was just doing her job, and you were probably only one in thousands of people.

"I'm Y/n, I'm the one who brought you here. And…" you came closer so you could whisper. "I know who you are, but thought you'd want to keep your anonymity," you explained.

And Wanda was very grateful for that. She remembered the relief she felt when she realized no one here knew who she was, so when they asked her, explaining they didn't know, she kept the charade up.

"Thank you," she simply said, accent thick to your surprise, voice rocky.

"That's the least I could do." She frowned at that and you looked away. You felt so dumb. You were always so stoic and self-assured, and for whatever reason you just turned into a puppy with her. "A few years ago you stopped a bank robbery and saved me."

A number of things went through her face, but finally recognition settled on her features.

"You're the girl who saved her friend." She would have exclaimed herself if nlt for her way too dry throat.

You grabbed a glass of water that you put in front of her. "Yeah, that's me," you admitted simply.

She took the water and considered you for a few seconds before she finally drank. Apparently she deemed you worthy.

"Why…?"

"Huh?" You put, very eloquently you might add.

"Why… help me?" She looked down in her glass, and your heart broke when you saw all the grief, all the pain, everything that made her say her next words. "I would be better off if I were dead. Everyone would."

You sat at the edge of her bed and ever so gently scooped her face to have her look up at you. "That's not right."

Tears formed in her green eyes in droves. She couldn't hold your gaze, but you were keeping her from looking away.

"You have no idea what I did."

Truly, you didn't. "Why don't you tell me?"

She tensed, grabbed your hand to push it away. You let her do it without any resistance. "I don't deserve to." She looked back down. You had no idea what to do to help her at this point, and if you were honest, there was probably not a lot you could do besides be there for her. So you would do exactly that.

"I don't agree." You followed her gaze down and noticed she was looking at her hands. "What happened to your hands?"

She frowned and never answered. Her silence was enough for you to let it go, so you stood up. She didn't look up but you noticed her eyes following you.

"Leaving?"

You arched an eyebrow and hid a smirk. "Will you miss me?" You teased. But once again you were met with silence. "Don't worry, I'll be right back."

You left the room and headed to the hospital gift shop. Once you arrived, you looked around, grabbing some books at random, a stuffed animal - a bear with get well soon shirt - and some snacks. You don't know what she likes, so you take a few different ones. You ended up with two small brown paper bag with the gift shop's brand printed on it.

When you come back to the room, you see her looking out the window, sadness painted all over her face, so you make sure she hears you come in. You didn't want to intrude on her. She still jumped slightly at your sudden arrival, seemingly surprised to see you again.

"I'm back," you announced pretty uselessly and wondered if she thought you left despite saying you were coming back.

She just looks at you.

Carefully, you took the books out of the bag you were carrying and put them down next to her in a neat pile. You left the snacks in the bag and simply put it next to the books. "I brought you some stuff," you told her as if it wasn't obvious.

Then you hesitated a bit before you took the stuffed bear out.

"Thought you'd like some company when I'm away." You placed it on top of the books. Still no answer. But you hear her questions running in her mind. The whys, and the self-loathing comments. She doesn't seem to have noticed yet that she can hear your thoughts, or maybe she did but doesn't care. The latter makes you ache no matter how much you try to fight it. 

You open your mouth, you want to tell her something, the silence around you both suffocating. It made you feel uncomfortable and incredibly inadequate. But before you can really say anything, Anath came in the room after a short knock.

"Hi guys, sorry to interrupt, I'm doing my last round for the day," she explained and grabbed the chart at the end of Wanda's bed. "You seem to be doing fine. We're going to keep you here a few more days to make sure you're on track, then you can go home." She gave you a look at that. You suddenly found the outside fascinating.

"I don't… I don't have money. Or insurance," she said finally, in an attempt to be let go. She knew she wouldn't have the energy to fight her way out. She didn't want to either. She was so tired of everything.

"It's okay, it's covered by Y/n," Anath told as she pointed at you with her chart. The Witch's gaze bore into you and you avoided it. "Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow, miss Doe." She was about to leave the room, she got her upper body back in. "Do we wait for you for dinner tonight, Y/nn?"

You shook your head. "No, I'll probably grab something on my way back."

Finally the doctor left, and once again you were alone with Wanda. You could see in the way she looked at you that she was trying to figure out your motive. You scratched your head and grabbed a book from the pile.

"I'll try this one, I'll tell you if it's any good," you tell her as you go sit in the armchair in the corner of the room. Her eyes stayed on you ten minutes in your reading, until she seemed to lose interest and settled in the bed.

She could hear your thoughts so easily, not all of them, but those she caught were crystal clear, it was uncanny. It was probably because of how weak she was currently, she couldn't put up her mental barriers. Right now she could hear you read, so she listened, your voice calm against the roaring thunder of the tempest raging inside of her. Soon enough, she fell in a deep sleep, and for once, no nightmares plagued her.

*

A nurse came in to inform you that visiting hours were over, and you got up. Wanda was asleep again after eating, and so you decided to let her rest. You checked your bag and found a pen and paper easily to leave her a note you put in the bear's arms. After that you sneaked out.

Wanda woke up in the night and looked around, panic setting in until she remembered where she was. The hospital. She frowned. Last thing she remembered she had just eaten and you were reading again. She must have fallen asleep. She looked around and noticed how dark it was. You were nowhere to be found, but the note in the bear's arms got her attention. With trembling fingers she read it.

'Hey, I had to leave and didn't want to wake you up. I'll be back tomorrow, in the meantime take care of yourself. For me.

Y/n'

She read the words again and again, especially the two you crossed. For you. A warm feeling sparked in her, under the rubbles of her life. Slowly, with utmost care, she folded the little note and put it in the book you had been reading while you were here. She eyed the bear before she settled in bed, looking away. A few seconds later, she turned around to grab it in her arms and resumed her position. There, she fell asleep again.

*

You came by the next day, and the one after that, and again. You brought work with you, knowing that even if your boss was understanding you still needed to put some hours in. From time to time you would try to talk with Wanda, but she barely answered, and when she did it was monosyllabic at best. She was looking better, less famished, but still grieving something you knew nothing of. So you didn't push, giving her the time qhe needed, until Anath came around to check on her once more.

"Everything looks great. We're going to send you home tomorrow," she declared.

"Home…?" There was something in her voice and tears started to pool in her eyes. That was bad. You could feel her thoughts spiral.

"You don't have to," you intervene. You stood up to come closer. "You can come to our place."

Anath looked at your, arching both eyebrows. You never discussed that with her, but now that the offer was out there it's not like you could take it back. Especially since it seemed to have shocked her enough for her to calm down slightly.

"Your… place?" She looked confused.

"Yeah, huh, with Anath. We're roommates, and we have a spare bedroom. You could stay there. If you want." You looked at her expectantly. "You don't have to answer now. And if you don't want to, I can arrange for a hotel or something."

She didn't answer and your best friend looked at the two of you. "Okay, I'm gonna go now. Someone will bring the paperwork for your release."

Wanda kept her eyes on you, so many feelings in her eyes. You gave her the time she needed to talk, hearing the questions in her head.

"Why are you doing this for me?" She asked, and it surprised you.

Why were you?

It could have been the soulmate bond, and maybe it was, a little, and it could also just be that you wanted to repay her for saving your life, but the truth was you just wanted to help her. She looked crushed under the weight of lifetimes of pain, and you wished you could take some pain off of her shoulders. Was it that you wanted to get closer to her? Was there an ulterior motive? Honestly you had no idea. You hated it.

"I… I don't know."

"I feel like you do." She looked down at her hands where the tip of her fingers were still black. "Or at least have some idea."

Did she read your mind?

"Sorry, I didn't mean to." You frowned slightly. "You don't owe me anything. Not for your life, or because we're…"

Wanda did hear you, and now it made a lot of sense. But it also meant that until you found her almost dead on the floor you wanted nothing to do with her, but the truth was, you wanted to explain how this whole concept made you feel, to tell her that it wasn't what made you act that way, to defend yourself. That you were better than that, but were you?

"I know," you said. "I still want to help. Once you're back on your feet we can go our own way." 

So many feelings were burning down your throat, and you hated it all. You hated that you were soulmates, and you hated how it took your choices away, and yes, you played with the idea of it recently because you didn't want to live your life alone, but still. This was different, and you didn't know how to deal with it. Maybe you'd find a way one day, but today wasn't that day.

Wanda seemed to have her own train of thoughts on her side, even if she mainly looked at your inside conflict from the outside. She could only grab some passing thoughts of feelings but refused to look at it closer, and decided to stop the cacophony in your head.

"I'll go with you," she finally answered to your big surprise. That was unexpected.

"Are you sure?" Your question was genuine, you didn't want her to feel forced into staying at your place.

She nodded, and that was that. She didn't say anything else for the evening, even when you left and told her you'd pick her up tomorrow morning.

Once you were gone, she thought about everything. Everything that had happened in her life, especially since she met you, and the longer she thought about it, the angrier and more desperate she became as what ifs hit her. What if she realized it when you met? She wouldn't have gotten with Vision, maybe, and she wouldn't have lost him and then her kids. What if you spoke at the time?

She was mad at herself, but also at you. And the worst was that she actually kind of liked you. Your presence made her feel better. It scared her so much, all this, after what she did, because she couldn't slip again.

All she could do in the end was cry.

#wanda x reader #wanda #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff #scarlet witch x reader #scarlet witch #tfyf fic

[chevvy-yates]

Ticket to the Major Leagues for Ryder, Thyjs and Falco on the ask game pls!!

How did they react to their first chrome? (Not including the neurosocket, shard slot and wrist plug).

Ryder’s first chrome were Kiroshi optics when he was still a Corpo. He used to wear contacts and/or glasses as he was born astigmatism. He wasn't allowed to get optics until he turned 18 (his family hates cyberware) When he eventually was allowed to get some they had to be in his same eye color (ice blue). The reaction to this was nothing special. He's had a headache for a few days and needed to adjust to see everything clearly now without contacts or glasses. So nothing really special But I want to add how he reacted to his first real chrome that definitely changed his body forever: his mantis blades: You have to know that he replaced his well functioning organic arms with these weapons. He decided it from 0 to 100. I mean he literally walked into a ripper doc's office and demanded "Cut off my arms and install me some with blades!" having literally no clue what Ryder was demanding there. At this point of his life he literally changed everything about himself drastically, often not thinking about whether this decision is good or not. Hate and anger mainly for Cyberpsychos drove him towards this decision. Of course the blades made it so he could protect and defend himself in the first place as he always carries them with him 24/7. and he finally had something that was added to his overall look that can be frightening plus he could fight with them. If trained right mantis blades serve you well. What he did not have in mind: learning how to live with two cybernetic forearms from now on that have sharp blades, he didn't know how to handle at first. Also the fact that he will never feel touch again like he used to hasn't been on his mind back then either. He was only to discover it afterwards because the ripper doc didn't care much to inform him about it since Ryder seemed to be bold and harsh. At the start Ryder often second-guessed himself about this decision he made. In the beginning he often sat at home having problems just to grab a beer because he had to learn that his brain and connected muscles around the elbow accept the cyberware and the given commands were set into the right motion. The ripper doc did a good job and Ryder payed all of his money left for getting the best ones the market had at this time. He didn't feel any pain and they adjusted fast once Ry found out how it works. Nonetheless he kept them and accepted his decision. He gets them checked frequently.

Like Ryder, Thyjs first chrome have been Kiroshi optics. As albino he's had photophobia and decreased visual acuity since he was born. So he definitely was in need to get a better eyesight as soon as he started Military school. The first day of having them felt weird for him, needed some adjustment and to get used to it. He had the usual headache right after he received them but no further problems. They felt like his real eyes before just way better.

Garnet's first cyberware is the one on his neck and the chest. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in a very early years of his life as he already started smoking "wie ein Schlot" at a very young age. So his entire lung including the trachea and the thyroid are cybernetic. Falco didn't do well in the beginning as he had been laying in bed before the operation for weeks to months already. They tried to fight the cancer off via chemotherapy before but it didn't work out so he opted in as last chance to stay alive to get that whole bunch of chrome installed inside his body. When he woke up after the operation and the meds losing their effect he felt insufferable pain in his throat and in general the weight of his body seemed very heavy (up to that he was still super weak, almost reduced to a skeleton). He needed months long rehabilitation and even today a medtech frequently has to check as everything works appropriately. He had to pay the huge bill for probably all his life if he didn't become popular in the music industry. After five years he was free from his debt. Today he's healthy, fit (trains frequently) and takes his needed medication as he should.

#oc asks #about: ryder von scharfenberg #about: thyjs de wit #about: garnet #thank you <3 #you brought me into thinking about Falcos cyberware! #this time I answered faster instead of keeping it months in my drafts unanswered

[whatimdoing-here]

Word vomit shit seizures under cut

Had a seizure last night. It'd been over a year so definitely a reminder of exactly what sucks about having them. Killer headache this morning, body being very very sore. The frustration initially when releasing I have a million thoughts in my head but I can't completely talk or understand for 20-30 min afterwards. The continued frustration afterwards knowing that now I can't drive, at least for awhile, and am now completely dependent on others for that again. The last seven years or so especially, my happy place is going out by myself, and getting coffee. Or going out by myself and going shopping. So now I can't. Not sure if I'll wait The whole six months, but it needs to be some time. And I definitely will not be driving long distances the next six months so there goes driving to Chicago in the late winter/early spring. And Columbia next month.

The anxiety for the next... Months as they're more likely to happen after one happens. The brain fog. Today a new one is I now feel like I'm getting sick because something has been going around the house and seems like not breathing for two minutes exasperated it. Imagine.

There's frustration because I can't pinpoint anything that would have given me warning except right before. Didn't miss meds, not ridiculously stressed out or overtired. Being on my period seems to unfortunately be a trigger.

There's also a new feeling of hopelessness. As I try to decide... If or how or what to do about my marriage as I struggle to figure out my feelings, this is a reminder that he knows what to do, how to stay calm, be there for me. It's also causing him mental harm, seeing me like that. It doesn't feel like I can leave him. It increases my chances of something really bad happening to me. I was on the floor when it happened, but definitely hadn't made my way to laying down because I was convinced I could stop the train that was coming.

The second one that has happened at night, but not when I was sleeping. It's one thing if I'm sleeping already. It's tough to deal with it and then be awake and text people like "lolz sorry I didn't respond I had a seizure". I don't want to hide them from my people. But it's still weird.

Thankfully our plans today got cancelled. I was going to do a lot of housework, but truly feel pretty shitty both mentally and physically. so I'll do some but probably stay in bed or recliner a lot. Emotionally even though I cried some when ya know I couldn't talk last night, I'm feeling pretty emotional again. It just really sucks and I hate it.

But now I'll say I'm thankful that it's not worse. The fact that it's been over a year (since a big one, I'm having multiple partial ones a month) is good. And I really hadn't made any changes to meds before that even, so hopefully things are still under control and it just was a one time for awhile thing. Guess we'll see. Maybe between the computers and reading on my kindle it's been too much screen for me. Or really my water to caffeine ratio wasn't great yesterday.

Truly one of the weirdest effects is that I am super sensitive to cold, touch and taste, for days after. It's like extra cold.

Venting done.

Thankful for this place and my people. And to any of those people reading I hope you know that I don't tell you looking for sympathy, I tell you so you're aware.

#personal nonsense

[rianafying]

hello diary i’m back idk what is happening or why i ever feel what i feel, but here goes nothing

i’ve been feeling very creative today, had a terrible morning woke up insanely dehydrated, could barely move, my arthritis and psoriasis had flared up as well, i had to cancel my gig but they’re fine, they had other people on board. i don’t really feel like i missed out because i literally couldn’t have gone and needed to stay home and rehydrate, plus it’s like 37 degrees outside, i’ll stay home thanks. anyway, so i got some much needed rest and i ate and drank loads of water and i feel replenished now and i feel hopeful and creative and i wish i could’ve just started something, a project or whatever. but i have no many chores standing firmly between me and what i actually want to do. will is a terribly difficult thing to conjure. i had a telehealth appointment to get diagnosed w adhd in melbourne so i can access the necessary treatment, but they’re telling me it’ll be at least $800 and at least 4 sessions to just get diagnosed. and that to me is a huge undertaking. i told them ill think about it but what is there to think of, i know fully well i cant afford it. i wish i had an ipad to draw on. ive been wanting to draw something for ages and i could draw on my physical sketch book but i just haven’t? i just cant? its the guilt from all the chores i haven’t done. there’s a proper inspection due in 4 days and i just know it’s going to cripple me with anxiety as the date comes closer. there’s so much stuff that i want to do. and yet i do nothing. i’m not doing even 1% of everything i want to do, because im stuck doing 100% of the things i hate but have to do. when im older, i hope i get permanent residency in australia or any other first world country, i wish i have a safe and permanent place to live, regardless of size or quality. i wish i have someone who can help me with the tasks i struggle with and i can help them with tasks they struggle with and if we both struggle at the same things, we’ll understand each other, we can struggle and learn together. hopefully this will not be a romantic partner because i don’t think my brain is hardwired to deal with matters of the heart in a stable way. i hope that by the time i feel safe, the children of gaza feel safe too. i hope we win. i thought of them when i got dehydrated and worried that ill get a uti, i thought about how much worse they have it. i think of them all the time but especially when im suffering and im reminded that they have it many folds worse. i try to derive hope, strength, and gratitude from that instead of helplessness, and powerlessness.

i haven’t been able to take out the trash and get rid of my dead plants and they’re starting to attract bugs and i really need to do that today, i’ve been saying that everyday, it’ll just take seconds. i also am very close to having $0 in my account because i had to buy some meds and i found some vitamins for half price and decided to buy a whole buttload of them #forhealthiguess also its SO HOT. and im trying to avoid turning on my air conditioner because my electricity bill last month was $140??? like why? it’s a crazy world out here. crazy expensive. for the millionth time, i really should get a real job soon. or try to. i doubt i’ll ever have enough to be independent. i fear i’ll always be at the mercy of my parents. i fear i’ll heal too slow to keep up with the damage.

all day i did nothing. that’s not true, i went grocery shopping and i made meatballs, and spaghetti and it turned out great. the one thing i always cook successfully is any kind of pasta, never fails. i feel 50% guilty for not doing anything important today. such as taking out the trash, cleaning my room, etc. it’s the one thing i hate doing: house chores. makes me wanna scream, cry and throw up. i made a mistake, last night i accidentally left my earphones on the couch at reception downstairs and hadn’t even realised until earlier today when i was leaving the building and saw it on the couch. i feel so relieved that i live in a place where nobody stole it all day. part of me feels like i don’t deserve to live so well. because for nearly a year, i have been living wonderfully, everything’s going so well, and all my demons are inside of my own head. this is new for me. there’s no actual threat, i think. still feels like there is. i’m less overwhelmed than usual, but still pretty overwhelmed. there’s always too many ideas and not enough ability to implement them. how do i feel chaos and clarity simultaneously. i just need a break from this mental torment. i think getting my apartment clean will definitely help with that. but it’s such a big task, even thinking about it makes me fall to my bed and start to rot. suddenly i find that my body won’t move. adhd sounds like it’s so quirky and funny until you’re surrounded with piles of garbage and flying insects and there is a mysterious sticky brown patch underneath the fridge that just will not move. until there’s no space to walk from one end of the room to the other without stepping on and crushing things underneath my feet. it feels as if my brain has acquired an endless supply of shame and guilt. i will probably not feel focused until my room is actually clean. clean enough to be inspected. clean enough to maybe even have visitors. i get anxious just thinking about the prospect.

#personal #journal entry

[perfectlullabies]

since this dreadful year is finally coming to an end, here’s my DIARY ENTRY because i feel like writing it all down (well, just a short summary of some of the things that have happened)

let’s start with the way i finished 2021. i had a severe panic attack in a supermarket when i was on my way to weronika’s to spend new year’s eve together and had trouble calming down for over two hours. thankfully i took some meds, changed my clothes, called my mom and cooled off. not exactly a great sign for the upcoming year, was it?

first four months were pretty much uneventful, i was doing fairly well at uni even though i still had online classes. i was hoping to get a job (did not get it eventually). at the end of january i started taking meds which definitely helped a lot with my ocd i’d had since childhood and i also applied for therapy 

then may 16th happened - your usual monday. the day before i was watching eurovision with weronika, having a great time drinking beer etc. morning after when i was drinking my coffee i got a phone call from my distressed mom. i immediately knew something terrible must have happened, i could hear it in her voice and the way i heard my aunt in the car with her. they never got together unless something was Happening. my mom called me straight from the place the accident took place. she was talking to me as she looked at the car wreck and her deceased mother on the ground, with the police still guarding the place. my 73 year old grandmother, who had just started her retirement after 50 years of working as a pediatrician, had been killed instantly in a violent car crash - a truck had driven right into her side of the car because the man had lost consciousness while driving due to brain tumor. my grandparents were on the way to the oncology centre bc my grandfather had been terminally ill. so that day my grandma decided to drive him to the centre, usually she wouldn’t do that

my grandfather survived the accident itself but passed away two weeks later on may 29th due to severe injuries and ongoing illness. the accident sped up the process. i said goodbye to him and promised him to visit him again - i didn’t have that opportunity

i hadn’t talked to my grandmother since 2017. we had a very complicated relationship, you could say we were estranged. we used to be very close prior to that. not gonna get into details because i find it irrelevant right now. however i wish i had a chance to apolgize to her and for her to have the chance to apologize to me and my parents. we never got the opportunity to reconcile. i hate to think about it

after the accident came funerals, just two weeks apart

my whole family’s crumbled, there’s an ongoing WAR that my abusive uncle and godmother initiated. no details here either, just know that when i use the word abuse i really mean it all - physical, psychological, financial. all kinds

from the very start it was me and my mom who took care of most things. we cleaned the flat back in june, we then cleaned the flat again back in august and today we emptied the basement and the rest of the furniture and stuff from the flat that has been sold. none of my cousins helped - instead they sent me disgraceful messages on facebook

i’ve just come back from their flat, having thrown out most of their stuff that was left there. i’m tired, pissed off and so melancholic

this year has shown me that people don’t have much empathy, pity and kindness in them. nobody helped us, nobody cared. none of my so called friends or relatives cared - they still don’t. people think that when such a tragedy happens, it’s over within a month or so. it’s been 7 months now and the things we’re dealing with have NOT been as intense ever before. everything takes months or even years here. it’s not easy. no understanding for it either 

we had some terribly macabre and grotesque ‘’adventures’’ in the meantime such as having to deal with the funeral home who accidentally sold our 2nd burial place to some other family (they ended up digging up some deceased man. unimaginable)

around september i had to resign from therapy i had been attending from late april to late september because my therapist had been the most unhelpful, ABUSIVE so called mental health professional i’ve ever encountered. she further made me believe i am somehow responsible for the things that happened, also relating to my family past as some kind of ‘’curse’’ - as you know, my grandmother’s brother and his wife were killed in a similar car crash back in 1978. so she told me we were cursed. anyway it’s over and done with, i’m no longer seeing her and i won’t ever attend therapy again. gross 

in 2022 i had been ill at least 5 or 6 times, each time ending up on heavy medication. so did my parents. my dad had to resign from his job because of health issues and other things. i am very worried abt my parents on daily basis

i haven’t slept well since may. i have nightmares, truly awful ones. almost always involving our trauma. i had shown many ptsd symptoms and i dearly hope it won’t develop further. but who knows at this point

when it comes to uni and everyday problems - my thesis supervisor proved to be especially unhelpful. i haven’t touched my thesis since may and i don’t know when i’m gonna continue. uni doesn’t help with anything, i’m all alone with everything there, more so than ever before 

i have no support from anyone - it’s just me and my parents out there. doing everything, dealing with everything. on top of it all we received no money from the insurance companies - NONE AT ALL. two people have been killed. we get nothing from it

the man who killed them hasn’t contacted us, not even a message with an apology. nothing

and now the global things - ongoing pandemic and the terrifying war in ukraine which is so close to us. my heart goes out to all ukrainians, i love them all dearly, they’re like beloved family to polish people ALWAYS. i’ve got nothing but unconditional love and support for them

2022 made me believe that there is not much kindness in this world. not much pity and understanding. no empathy. no one cares and life goes on and this is the lesson i’ve learnt this year. you die and nothing happens - that’s what the terrifying truth looks like 

#thank u for reading. i could write more but i started crying and also i'm so angry and idk if there's much point...i already said too much

[bumblebeerror]

My teeth hurt sometimes, just. In general. They’ve done this a while now, mostly when the weather changes. It starts in my jaw and creeps up my teeth until I can’t chew very well because I don’t want to move my jaw or put pressure on my teeth. It also means sleeping’s difficult, and just. Most things weirdly become a lot more difficult when you don’t want to chew. My jaw’s been like this for a week or so now? I think. I mostly don’t notice it starting until sleeping gets harder.

Anyway, all that to say it’s been a Rough day when it comes to my body and brain working correctly. I woke up when I usually do, took my adhd meds, and then fell asleep for another three hours. I streamed today after talking with some friends, and about a hour after my two hour stream, I just hit a wall. I’m already tired enough to go back to sleep now. Everything is shaky and tender and it’s… such a slap in the face. Sometimes.

Especially because I don’t register pain like this. It doesn’t occur to my brain to interpret it that way. I get tired, I feel pressure more sharply, but I don’t feel pain unless I stop to check in. So if you asked me today what I was feeling… I’d tell you Im tired. I’d tell you I feel shaky and maybe kind of feverish, that my legs dont want to work at any faster pace. I’d tell you my body feels weak and that my neck and head ache, because that’s about the only pain on me that’s sharp, that changes, that waxes and wanes.

And at some point today I finally registered that I was feeling pain. That my hands are shaking because every nerve in them is sending a constant signal. My arms feel heavy and my legs feel wobbly and my joints feel unstable because every nerve is sending a message I can’t read. Its kind of funny, in a way - if I stop focusing on reading that message as pain, it stops registering that way again. Like Francis Freeman, the villian in the first Deadpool movie? One of his powers is not feeling pain.

I’m not sure what my point here really is? I don’t share often, and I don’t enjoy being pitied. I don’t want to feel like someone who needs saving. Your princess is in another castle, all that. I just wanted it written. I keep hitting dead ends and my pcp doesn’t know how to help me. I can’t get disability and I can’t work enough to support myself, so I don’t have much of s choice on whether I stay with my mum - and she can’t afford to pay for my car. And I can feel my body degrading, even if I don’t look at the hours I used to be capable of. I used to work nearly 40hrs a week closing s daycare, keeping up with kids and cleaning the place. Then 25, cleaning a clinic. Now I work 8 cleaning an office, and can’t afford gas to get there. I won’t lie, if I let myself think about it too long, it gets frightening.

I don’t know. I hate dwelling on things I can’t fix, and I loathe feeling sorry for myself. If I can’t make a joke about it, I don’t want to deal with it. But a part of me also doesn’t want what’s happening to me to be forgotten. A part of me wants a record. A part of me wants to be convinced that I’m not… insane? That I’m not faking it, somehow, that I’m actually in pain that I can’t feel anymore. That other people don’t feel this way all the time. That what people told me as a kid, dismissed, that it’s wrong. That they didn’t know I was feeling something bad.

I wish school had taught us practical things. Like how much pain the average non-ill person is every day (none). To this day I still pose questions about it to one of my friends who has an old shoulder injury but no widespread issues like this, just to check.

Ive rambled enough, I think. I’m gonna shower and sleep. Have a good timezone, if you decided to read all that for some reason.

#i am only asking you to not call me an inspiration #if you think you’d rather die than be me kindly be inspired to help fix the bullshit I have to go thru to get treated for anything #bumble rumbles

[theos-epitelesei]

inexplicable rage

lately the predominant feeling I’ve been having is just sudden, inexplicable rage. Which is probably not healthy and probably related to the fact that I rarely read my bible anymore or journal or really take the time to pray at all.

don’t feel too great about that, honestly. I keep meaning to, and then the morning gets away from me and the cares of the day take over and suddenly I’m mad at 8 year olds and my cat for no reason other than they exist and don’t do what I want them to do.

so it’s probably good I’m not God.

it’s a good thing God is infinitely more patient than I’ve been lately.

and the thing is that it just… keeps not happening. and then I keep feeling like crap about it and I keep getting mad for no reason and today I just really hated my job.

I don’t enjoy my class this year. they are the most apathetic kids I’ve ever taught and it baffles me how anyone can just not care to understand anything. they don’t know things and they don’t care that they don’t, but they also get frustrated when they can’t do something. Every once in a while there’s a spark of interest and then they go off and do the exact opposite of what I just explained, and modeled, and practiced with them, and walked them through. And then they’re SHOCKED that it’s wrong.

and then there’s my freaking cat who literally just chooses chaos and terrorism at all times, and my husband’s cat is probably literally dying of stress because of my tiny terrorist furball.

I just would like everything to stop for a couple days. And even as I’m typing this I know it’s also because I’m hormonal and it’ll be fine again in a day or two but I just. Want. It. To. Stop.

I want technology at school to work when I need it to. I want my kids to stop doing whatever the hell they want and then acting surprised when I get pissed off. I want my cat to not choose violence, just for one night, because I hate that I’m getting so pissed off about it.

I hate that my hormones make my meds just stop working for some indeterminate amount of time each month. Like oh hey, your depression, adhd, and anxiety all get worse on your period? Good news, your meds will ALSO stop working! Isn’t that neat?

Mostly I wanna stomp my feet and scream and cuss and punch things but I don’t think that would actually help anything. Because then I just feel guilty and ashamed of having a temper tantrum and cussing and being violent towards pillows. Unfortunately I’ve already rage cleaned twice this week so there’s not much left that I have the energy to clean.

anyway. I’m tired and cranky and frustrated and don’t want to go to work tomorrow but I have to because we were supposed to start state testing today but the iPads decided to just not, so I spent the rest of the day scrambling because brain doesn’t do flexible during my period apparently.

[raspberryconverse]

Not that anyone's noticed that I've been MIA or cares, but here's where I've been/why I hate myself today:

So the latest Firefox update started doing this new thing where it closes tabs in the background and then reloads them when you click back over to them, causing my Tumblr tab to lose my place in my feed (because I wanted to scroll to where I last read because FOMO or something else stupid my brain wants to do that I can't explain). It also was crashing like crazy, so I reverted back to the previous version, but didn't realize it was going to knock out all my bookmarks, etc since I had to switch to Firefox because my computer is still fucked up and my preferred browser (Brave) still won't work (along with a million Windows related things) because ubreakifix fucked up my computer when my hard drive failed. I really just need to do a clean install of Windows (because whatever ubreakifix installed was corrupted), but I've been too lazy/depressed to take the time to do it. It's been months of suffering with a corrupted install of Windows because I literally just can't get myself to do the thing I need to do so my computer works like it's supposed to and I can use a better browser.

Also, I got into yet another fight with my spouse because they want to buy contact paper to recover our kitchen countertops and I offended them by saying I hate our kitchen and literally DGAF what they do to it because I'm not really going to be happy with it until we can afford to redo it properly. Apparently this was an insult to my spouse (as opposed to maybe the original owners of the house because they're the ones who decided to cover the entire kitchen— like all the walls and the fucking ceiling— in an ugly ceramic tile) because they've been working so hard on scraping all the paint off the cabinets (which are now an ugly army green and I already told them I didn't like it any better than the white, even though it was peeling because they clearly used the wrong paint to paint them). So basically I'm a horrible person/wife.

If you're still reading and worried about me, I have therapy again on Wednesday (although I don't think I'm going to do my homework because I really don't feel like writing a letter to my dead mother and don't see how that's going to help) and I see my psychiatric NP on Monday. I had a shit ton of bloodwork done yesterday (we're talking like 5 vials and a urine test) because she wants to see if there are other underlying reasons for my depression/anxiety before we looking into adjusting meds. Like I know this shit takes time and obviously you can't just stop and start these kinds of meds/expect it to be a fast fix or to even get it right the first time, but I just want to stop feeling like shit. I want to stop having that voice in the back of my head telling me I should have done x today. I want to stop fighting with my spouse. Hell, I'd love for my spouse to fucking kiss me, like really fucking kiss me instead of just a peck goodnight, but I know they won't unless I brush my teeth because autism.

So... don't mind me. I'm just going to watch Nick and Charlie make out a bunch of times before I go to bed because it's the only thing that really brings me joy at the moment.

#fomo #fml rn #is this what marriage is? #home ownership #home improvement #yay anxiety #tw depression #tw anxiety #tw mental health #tw therapy #tw meds mention #tw medication #narlie

[msannaemmi]

Taking away the distraction (phone/laptop/puzzle...) doesn’t work, because I’m not being distracted by that object

My brain is looking for distractions because everything feels so boring

I think this is the big difference between attention span between adhd and neuro typical brains, or at least the best way I’ve been able to describe it to my friends

It’s why working in an empty room or blocking your phone or whatever doesn’t work, because they’re not the problem, the problem is your brain looking for interesting stuff

And if please, please, please teachers could start understanding that, that would be awesome thanks

#adhd #actually adhd #executive dysfunction #being a student with adhd is hard #and I hate being judged for how I try to make my brain not bored enough to do work #I also just hate my brain when it decides that today my meds are NOT ENOUGH stimulation #like living with a Cookie Monster in you head #just one that constantly wants stimulation

[ko-eko-ev-go-ms]

TFW you’re lowkey starting to have a breakdown and then ur brain/body decides to actively trigger you for literally no reason

#thoughts #oni talks #oni vents #tw suicide #tw overdose #tw pills #basically today is bad and I’m feel bad right? #idk if breakdown is right word tbh #but am lowkey unable to not cry and am think and trying to process and think through #and vent @ myself basically #and can’t not cry because I am overwhelmingly upset #and so my brain/body decides for some fucking reason #to start giving me scent/taste of pills from when I tried to OD #because yeah sure that’s super fucking helpful right now #I’m not even eating or smelling anything #it’s just coming back and I don’t know why but I hate it and I really don’t need that rn #I think it’s gone now but I don’t want it to come back and I’m upset #tw #and also 1 person just woke up and idk what do #and I need to go do meds and sleep soon but I haven’t done anything all day except try not to fall apart #idk I’m go talk ig and hope that helps #somehow? idk if it will or make things worse idk I just idk #I do not be in a good place or mood rn bro

[meetmymouth]

out in the heartland : harry styles

summary: it’s harry’s birthday and you have a very special gift for him word count: 6k warnings: daddy kink, pegging, anal fingering & rimming

“Love, can you get us more crisps,” Harry calls from where he’s seated on the floor, a Playstation console in hand.

It’s another lockdown Monday where they turn Mitch and Sarah’s spacious living room into a gaming room slash studio– according to Mitch, bowls of crisps, cheese platters, wine glasses and other snacks decorating every surface as they play anything and everything from FIFA to Fortnite until their brains are too foggy and they can’t move their fingers properly due to alcohol in their systems.

Sarah and Mitch were kind enough to let them both quarantine at theirs for a while, and it’d been so much fun, spending time with Mitch and Sarah, cooking together, watching films and going on walks, and overall having a great time with their friends. As much as it was just another Monday in lockdown, it was a special one with today being Harry’s 27th. They’ve already cut his cake, one she’d made herself -and Sarah helping with the piping– decorated with maraschino cherries and sprinkles, and they’ve been spending the night drinking posh wine and screaming at each other while Harry and Mitch played FIFA.

With two bowls filled with more crisps, she makes her way back to the living room with a smile on her face as Mitch and Harry keep going on and on about the game, and Sarah teasing them both, asking whether they’d get a divorce soon since they’ve been arguing back and forth like an old, married couple.

They pause the game as Mitch says her name, “did you see the card Jeff sent Harry for his birthday?” He’s smirking as he takes another sip of his wine, and Harry throws a piece of cheese at him, earning a glare from the long-haired man.

“Not yet, what is it?”

“Jeff being a dickhead as per. He sent me a card, it’s between my book, there,” he gestures at his book on the sofa with his head.

She grabs the thick book, turns the pages until she finds the card with ease, and she feels her heart drop for some reason, eyebrows furrowing and palms starting to sweat as she turns to Harry. He’s watching her with a grin on his face, the others already laughing at what’s in front of the card as she takes it in her hands to inspect the shiny birthday card.

“’Happy pegging birthday’” she reads out loud with a monotonous voice. “Uh… okay. That’s– very funny.”

“He’s just being stupid,” Harry laughs, running a finger thorugh his hair. He sits up, mouth full of crisps, and extends his hand for her to hold. “Come here, let me feed you cheese.”

“Okay… uh, nice card.”

“I mean, I love you, Sarah, but–” Mitch starts, mouth full, and Sarah cuts him off with a glare.

“Do not finish that sentence,” she points the wine glass at him as the sounds of cackling follow behind.

They all laugh… except her.

It’s funny. It is. And she loves them, loves laughing with them. But now, with the card Harry labelled as ‘stupid’ in hand and a fancy, pink box with Harry’s name on it waiting for them, waiting for him upstairs, on the bed they’d been sharing since the beginning of lockdown, she can’t help but feel stupid, too.

Was that a bold move? Was she being too brave, or… stupid? Whatever it was, she couldn’t help but let a pang of shame and sadness engulf her for a moment, before Harry’s silky voice pulls her away from her thoughts. She accepts the hand extended and sits next to him on the floor, card now forgotten on the sofa, and she tries to occupy both her mind and hands with Sarah’s fluffy cat, giving his little head tiny pets as Harry rubs her back as if it would get rid of the tension she was feeling.  

“You okay,” he brings his mouth close to her gear and whispers, then presses the gentlest, softest kiss on her ear. “D’you need anything?”

“I’m fine.”

“Promise?”

“Yes, H.”

It’s not until 2AM that everyone decides to go up to their rooms, not even batting an eye at the mess they made as they make their way upstairs with promises to clean everything in the morning. Now that she knows the box is there, on the bed where Harry can easily detect as soon as they open the door, her stomach begins growling but not because she’s hungry, but because she’s feeling anxious, and ashamed.

She has to do something.

“Hey, um…” she begins, stopping them both in front of the guest room they’d been occupying. “Could you– could you bring me water, I forgot to take my meds today.”

“Baby…” Harry says, hand going up to her cheeks to stroke there for a moment. “I thought you had an alarm… I filled your water bottle this morning and put it on the bedside table, come on.”

“No– Harry…”

“What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“I am, I just want fresh water.”

“Are you– are you serious?”

“Yes,” it comes out as a question rather than an answer and she bites her bottom lip, feeling uneasy under Harry’s curious gaze.

“You’re being kinda weird.”

“I’m not being weird!”

“Is there something you’re hiding from me?” He says with eyebrows furrowed and hand on his hip. “In the bedroom, in particular?”

“Don’t be silly.”

And as soon as he turns away, she knows she’s done for. It’s too late. She’s fucked. Everything’s fucked, she thinks, and he will hate her. Will never want to see her face again and probably ask her to leave as soon as possible since he won’t be able to look at her ever again without being reminded of her disgusting “gift”.

He goes in, of course he does, and she can’t help but close her eyes for a few moments before she joins him, hands sweaty and heart beating like there’s no tomorrow. She finds him near the bed, eyes focused on the box sitting in the middle of the bed, and she looks up when he does, finding him giving her a bright, heart-clenching smile as the dimple gets wider.

“Well, what’s this then, bab?”

His socked-feet makes a comforting noise on the carpeted floor, and he stops when he reaches where she’s standing, hands immediately finding her hips to bring them closer.

“Harry, please don’t open it,” it’s pathetic, she thinks, how desperate and anxious she sounds. Though, she can’t help but close her eyes when Harry’s hand finds the back of her neck as he strokes there with his thumb. “Don’t open it. It’s just silly. It’s a joke.”

“Baby, breathe. What are you even talking about, hm? Why are you– oh my god, darling, you look like you’re having a panic attack. You’re sweating, are you…” he squeezes her flesh gently, then guides her to the bed. “Hey, look at me– look. I’m not going to open it unless you want me to. Do you really not know me? I would never do anything you don’t want me to. Who do you take me for, hm?” It’s so gentle, his voice, it’s like honey is dripping down his mouth and she can’t help but watch the way his pink lips move. “Baby. Look at me. I love you. You’re so special to me, you’re my whole world. I won’t open it– I won’t, I promise. C’mere, babs.”

“I love you too,” she sniffs once, twice, then rubs her eyes.

“Wanna go to sleep... hm? Come on, bab, let’s go to sleep.”

Nights chase each other away, Tuesday kisses Wednesday and Thursday is spent with laughter and too much smoke and Friday finally arrives and it’s like a breath of fresh air, but she also thinks it’s due to the open windows and fresh flowers in the spacious kitchen. The box, containing the cursed gift of hers is forgotten, placed under their bed besides their suitcases, and everything feels normal. Almost too normal. So, she does what most people would do: look for ‘trouble’.

When Harry’s in the shower, she gets the box out and sits on the bed as she thinks about what to do with it. But, apparently, the stillness of the room was too good to be true as Harry emerges from the ensuite, hair still dripping-wet as he adjusts the robe, eyes immediately finding what she’s got in front of her, and the box that is now open, and a black leather piece hanging from the not-so-tall box.

“Hi, sweet girl,” he’s testing the waters, she knows. His eyebrows are furrowed, only slightly, and mouth slightly parted. “What are you doing, darling?”

It’s not a threat, nor asked with the intention of intimidating her. Alas, she feels threatened.

“I…”

“What is it?”

She sighs, feeling the cold sweat dripping down her back, and finally gives up. “See for yourself,” the box is thrust into his hands, and she leaves the room, leaving behind a confused, semi-naked man and a very expensive looking strap-on.

It’s not another fifteen minutes until Harry comes downstairs dressed in only a pair of joggers, and finds her on the sofa as she chews on her thumb –a bad habit really– while reading one of Harry’s books. He walks up to her with a tiny smile on his face, and curls into her side, resting his head in the crook of her neck as he breathes in the sweet smell and the now all too familiar fabric softener.

He waits for her to speak first, not wanting to upset her further, but all she does is sit there, and pretend to read until Harry lets out a sigh, and presses a brief, gentle kiss to her jaw.

“Can we talk?” He says, hands now resting on her thigh as his thumb strokes the skin there.

She sighs too, and fidgets under his gaze. “Not really.”

“Why not, though? We’ve been together for years. Why are you so scared of me, hm? Have I ever done something to make you feel like you can’t be honest with me?”

“No, it’s just embarrassing to me, Harry. And… seeing that card. And you calling it… stupid. I just feel like an idiot, please stop.”

Harry sighs, his breath hitting the side of her face. “Look at me. Look–” he reaches and touches her jaw. “I love you. I’m madly in love with you. The kind that keeps me up at night. The kind that makes my heart hurt in the best possible way. I’m so gone, baby, so fucking gone for you. You got me. I can’t leave, now, I’d never want to,” he presses his forehead to the side of her jaw, the damp skin feeling cold against her flesh. “Jeff on the other hand… can we not talk about him when I have these– these images in my head. Of you. Wearing that.”

“You’re just saying that because you don’t want me to feel bad but too bad, I feel like shite and am so fucking embarassed, you don’t get it.”

“I do, I fucking do and I’m trying to tell you how much I’d love it if you fucked me in the ass. Now, you either come upstairs and finish what you started, or–”

They’re both startled when Mitch enters the living room and drops the book in his hand.

He looks up at them, clearly not phased, and they both notice the AirPods in his ears as he kneels down and grabs his book, giving them one last look before disappearing outside to join Sarah in the garden. Harry though, he lets out a chuckle and turns to her, dimple tugging at his cheek, and extends his arm to caress her cheek.

“Come upstairs, baby.”

He says it easily, words rolling off his tongue, just like that, and she does. Of course she does because what else was she to do? She lets him take her hand in his, interlocking their fingers as he guides them up the stairs. Once inside the room, the door is closed, locked, and Harry takes the time to walk towards the window to close the curtain, and she can’t help but stare at his long, beautiful fingers over the soft cotton. Other than the thick, silver band on his middle finger, his fingers are ring-free, and despite adoring his soft, pretty fingers with his equally pretty rings, there’s just something so soft, cosy and familiar about Harry without rings.

He catches her staring because, of course he does. He sees her. Every movement of her eyes, trembling lips, shaky fingers, scrunch of her nose; he sees it all. And now, he walks towards her, a big grin tugging at his lips as he stops right in front of her, both of them aware of the box sitting on the bed but neither of them say anything as they hold each other’s gaze.

And just like that, she feels like she can finally breathe properly when she’s being pulled into his chest, hands finding their place on each side of her head as he starts peppering kisses to her face, first her forehead, then nose, and at last, his plump lips find their way to the place they know by heart, her lips.

It’s not rushed, not at all, Harry thinks they have all the time in the world so he takes his time with her. He knows it’s impossible, foolish even, but he swears he can see the marks his tiny but lustful kisses are leaving behind when he briefly opens his eyes. They’re everywhere on her beautiful face, from her lips to the corner of her mouth, chin, the side of her jaw.

“How do you want me,” he mumbles and it’s an uttered promise, somehow submissive though not completely, but also one that is full of love, trust.

She freezes for a moment, hands still on his neck, holding each other’s gaze and she watches as Harry walks to the bed, and he grabs the box. The shape of the object in his hands feels unfamiliar to the eye, the dazzling, hot pink dildo at the front makes them both swallow in anticipation and she knows Harry is clueless about what his next move should be.

It certainly wasn’t their first time trying out things in the bedroom. They were both ‘kinky’, as some would call it, they liked rough sex, the kind that left bruises and marks behind, but never anything like this. Sure, she did give him a rim job a few times, his darker, puckered hole made her mouth water and she wanted nothing more than to get on her knees and kiss and lick the flesh until Harry was a mess, coming in long spurts. He loved having his ass licked, he loved sitting on her face, with his big cock stuffing her warm, tiny mouth as he forced her to take everything in, moving his ass back and forth across her mouth as she tried to lick every inch of the bitter flesh, wanting to please him, make him fall apart above her.

But, despite Harry letting her lick his ass could be considered as a vulnerability or submission to some, she was always his submissive. She loved it; they both loved it. She also knew today wasn’t the day she would give up on that submission. No, today was all about Harry, and what he wanted, how he wanted it, and it was about her giving it to him. So she gives him a tiny smile, hands reaching to grab the strap-on from his hands, and he watches with great intent, pupils dilated and mouth parted.

She swallows, and looks up at him with apprehension. “I want you to use me,” she lets out, a shaky breath following behind. “I want you to… I want you to do whatever you want with me. I know this,” her gaze falls to the pink dildo surrounded by black leather of the harness. “It’s something we haven’t done before, at least… fully–”

Harry giggles, leaning forward to press his forehead against hers. “Fully.”

“Shh. I’m just saying that… we haven’t done this before but I still want you to be in charge, at least… at least–”

“You want me to be the Daddy, hm? You still want Daddy to tell you what to do, how to fuck him? Y’gonna be my little fuck toy? Is that what you want, darling?”

“Yes,” her breath hitches at her throat. “Yes, Daddy.”

“Good girl. You’re so good to Daddy, darling. Always spoiling me, always looking after me, taking care of Daddy… how’d I get so lucky?”

“Daddy deserves it,” she looks up, waiting for his command to get naked and she can see it in his eyes, the hesitant gaze as if he wants to make sure she’s okay still even though he’s the one who’s about to get fucked.

“Go on then,” he mutters, hands going to his own joggers as he lets them pool around his ankles. He reaches up, brushing the pad of his thumb across her bottom lip. “Get naked for Daddy and put it on.”

And she does, oh, she does.

It doesn’t take long, considering she only has a ratty t-shirt on and a pair of joggers, and nothing underneath. It doesn’t come as a surprise to him, her forgoing underwear, but they both can’t help but hold each other’s gaze a minute longer. She notices the fiery look in his eyes, pupils now looking like a pair of black buttons as his bottom lip gets trapped between his teeth.

She lets her eyes wander, gaze travelling from each puffy nipple that are now beginning to harden, to the hair on his chest, then the hair that’s following his happy trail, all the way down to his cock. She feels her heart clench in lust at the sight of his hard cock, slightly curved with a vein following underneath, and she just wants to get down on her knees and put it in her mouth. She remembers him asking her whether to shave or not a couple of weeks ago, and the thick pubic hair surrounding his perfect cock makes her mouth water, feeling content that she’d told him not to touch any razors.

She looks up at him again, to see the expression on his face and he smiles, hand reaching for her.

“Come.”

She walks towards him, the strap-on in hand, and a tiny whimper leaves her mouth when her hand finds her boob, long fingers trapping her pebbled nipple between them as he twists the darker nub, once, twice, and he lets it go only to slap it, causing her to gasp as she quickly tries to suppress the noise with her palm pressing against her mouth. It stings, but doesn’t hurt. Not at all. In fact, it frustrates her despite the tingling, stinging feeling between her legs. She needs more. She wants more.

“Get this on and get on your knees,” he mutters, hand now on her neck as he squeezes briefly, watching as she gets the strap-on on and tightens the straps. “You’re gonna get Daddy’s cock nice and wet before you can fuck his ass. Understand?”

She pairs her quiet ‘yes’ with a nod, mind too hazy to actually look into Harry’s eyes as her shaky fingers fiddle with the harness. The clasps make a clicking sound, very satisfying to their ears, and she swallows, getting on her knees in front of him. Clean, soapy smell of his skin chafes the tip of her nose very gently and Harry begins playing with her hair, hands stroking the side of her face before one finds the back of her neck, bringing her towards his hard cock.

“Take it in your mouth,” his thumb presses hard on her bottom lip, as if to remind her who’s in control despite the foreign object she’s been supporting.

Her gaze wanders, taking in his thick, leaking cock, and with one hand steady on his meaty thigh, she brings the other to his balls, humming when she feels them tight already. The wrinkly skin of it is soft and not at all unfamiliar to her. So, she leans in to press a flat tongue against his balls, not missing the way Harry’s thighs jerk in response, and she then takes them into her mouth. She hums at the feeling in her mouth as she alternates between sucking and licking them and Harry lets out a quivering sigh above her, eyes closed, enjoying the warmth of her mouth around him.

He lets out a his when her teeth grazes over the area lightly. “Fuck, babe. You like my balls?”

Of course, there’s no time to respond, nor the possibility of her forming coherent words since he’s literally balls deep in her mouth, so she proceeds to hum around him, a few hairs there tickling her nose and lips as she sucks. With a pop, she lets them go and darts out her tongue again, travelling the warm, wet muscle from underneath his cock, to the tip. It’s a deep, pink colour, shiny and smooth, so she can’t help but wrap her mouth around the tip, earning a quick jolt of his hips from Harry as the action takes him by surprise.

She looks up, and sucks the tip as if it’s an ice lolly, and the salty taste of his pre-cum fills the insides of her mouth, fingernails pressing harder into his meaty thighs, and she wishes she could see the mark her nails left behind on his tiger tattoo.

Series of ‘fuck’s and ‘shit’s leave his mouth as he guides her head down his cock, and as always, she obeys while taking him deeper and deeper, her warm saliva coating his thickness and she moans around his warm cock as she brings her hands to his ass. While still sucking, she squeezes there, fingernails digging into the perfect skin of his ass and he lets out a hiss first, then pulls her hair harshly before pressing her face down his cock, a shaky moan following as she takes him deeper, her throat welcoming the warmth and thickness of his cock like it always does.

“You’re such a cock slut for me, aren’t you? Can’t keep that mouth away from Daddy,” he pulls her away from his cock, hands immediately going to her mouth to smear the pre-cum and spit all over her mouth and chin. "You wanted to treat Daddy for his birthday, hm?”

“Yes.”

“You’re such a good girl, darling. Always spoiling me, making me feel so, so fucking good,” he squeezes one of her boobs, twisting the nipple between his fingers before his gaze falls to the strap-on and the dildo secured tightly to the harness. He gets on his knees. “Make me suck that cock.”

The words, they just sound so hot, so filthy coming out of his mouth, making her weak in the knees as she swallows, and she places her hand on his shoulder, squeezing there once before it travels to the back of his head. She feels in control, having him on his knees, at her command even though he’s still somehow in charge, and it drives her crazy, having this gorgeous man all to herself. 

She watches him as Harry’s curious gaze takes the pink dildo in. She knew it wasn’t his first time sucking a cock, despite the one now in his face being silicone. So when he goes in easily with her hands pulling him closer, she can’t help but whine at the expression on his face, eyes glittering and plump lips parted as he takes the cock into his mouth.

He coats the pink silicone with his saliva, eyes shut as if he’s trying to concentrate on an important task, pink lips looking like they belong there, around a cock. They look so sinful, yet so perfect as he bobs his head up and down, talking the cock further into his mouth and she tries to guide him but she knows he doesn’t need it. He knows what he’s doing.

“You look so hot,” she manages to let out, words coming out as a hum, low and quiet, and he opens his eyes, eyelashes fluttering at the whispered compliment. “You look so good, Harry.”

He takes it out of his mouth briefly, a string of saliva making a bridge between his bottom lip and the dildo, and she reaches there, smearing it all over his bottom lip just like he did to her earlier as she loved seeing him dirty.

His pink tongue darts out and he wraps his lips around the finger on his bottom lip. “Gonna get me wet now?” He hums around her finger and she feels her pussy clench around nothing.

“Get on the bed.”

As Harry gets on all fours, ass in the air, her eyes wander to their lube on the nightstand. Ignoring the heat in her stomach, she sits on her knees behind Harry and touches his ass, fingers caressing the soft skin, touching the tiny mole there before she leans forward and presses a kiss there. It’s a peck, a sweet kiss that turns into more as her mouth opens, tongue flat against the warm skin as she sucks the flesh, causing him to let out a happy grunt.

He whispers her name, the excitement making her nipples tighten once again, but she moves her lips towards the crack, not wanting to stop.

“That’s it,” Harry groans, “Get Daddy wet before you put that cock in him.”

It’s a godly sight. Him on all fours, at her mercy, it was exquisite, intense, dirty. But she wanted to get him dirtier. With her hand parting one cheek, she bites her lip, noticing his rim, puckered and surrounded by little hairs, and all of a sudden, she can’t wait to get her mouth on him, to see the hairs get darker with her spit as he squirms under her touch.

She gets closer, a grin appearing on her face when he lets out quiet whines and whimpers, and she exhales a sigh into Harry’s milky flesh. Her tongue, hungry and hot, darts out to lick his rim briefly, just to get him wet before she uses her fingers. His cock, now a deeper shade of pink, hard and thick, is peeking between his legs, moving left and right from time to time whenever Harry or she moves, and she can’t help but reach there.

Harry sucks in a breath as her warm hand meets his hard cock, and she lets out a moan when she feels the thickness of it in her palm. It’s hot, so fucking hot, and the smooth skin of his cock is still damp, so she brings her thumb to his tip and smears the leaking pre-cum all over it, then drags her finger down to his balls and squeezes once.

His perfect mouth lets out a pained whimper when she lets go and focuses on the beautiful rim in front of her. She leans forward, both hands now parting his cheeks, and spits on his rim before flattening her tongue and lapping across Harry’s puckered hole. It’s not sweet, far from it actually, but the salty, bitter taste makes her even wetter as she keeps licking and sucking around his hole, satisfied when she hears him whimper and moan. Once it’s wet and the hairs around his rim get darker, she pulls away and licks a finger into her mouth, then grabs the lube from the bedside table and places it somewhere by Harry’s feet.

It’s fire, when she presses her middle finger into his hole, and Harry lets out a groan, her finger sliding in with ease with the help of her spit. “So tight,” she mumbles when Harry pushes his ass backwards only a little bit to match the tiny movements of her finger.

“Move faster,” Harry says, voice low. “Add another one.”

The lube is now in her hand as she brings it to where her finger is, takes it out, and allows a generous amount to coat the puckered area where her finger has been. Harry groans at the feeling, hole clenching around nothing, and she rubs the area with the same finger she’s been using, and presses it in before taking it out. This time, her middle finger is joined by her index as she fucks into his ass slowly, taking her sweet time while admiring the way he’s been taking her fingers. The skin makes wet noises, and she knows if they weren’t so worked up, they would have a giggle about it, just like they often do whenever one of them makes a questionable noise while having sex.

This time, though, the sounds of her fingers pumping in and out of his ass makes her go crazy, and she knows Harry feels the same when he lets out a loud grunt, pushing his ass back in sharp movements, in hopes of getting her to fuck him harder and deeper.

It goes on like that for a while, and they stop when he’s opened up enough, Harry’s rim now looking sore and pink. Once the dildo at her front is lubed up generously, she taps his ass once, making him turn his head back to look at her, eyebrows furrowed in question and mouth still parted due to the tingling feeling at the tip of his cock.

“Go ahead, baby,” he murmurs, gaze lowering. “Fuck Daddy’s ass. I’m ready,” his voice, hoarse and low, rings in her ears as she lifts the dildo up to his ass, his now-pink hole.

One hand holding the pink dildo from the base and the other resting on Harry’s back, she starts pushing it in, whines and hisses leaving his throat as soon as he feels the silicone tip. She watches as the tip digs into his ass, slowly and with effort despite all the lube, and she can’t help but bring her other hand to her boobs, squeezing once before she places it back on Harry’s ass. He’s a mess, sweat dripping down his back, and she knows he’s trying to keep quiet as neither of them would want to get caught by the other couple despite having the door locked.

“Fuck,” he grunts, head lowering.

“Does it hurt?”

“No,” he whimpers, ass trying to clench around the dildo but it fails due to how big it is. “Keep going, I want you to fuck me. Hard.”

She holds him by his love handles, fingernails digging into his milky, smooth skin as she moves her hips, the dildo now halfway in. With Harry moaning, she takes her time to admire how fucking hot he looks underneath her, with his ass filled with the pink dildo, and she sighs, continuing to fuck into his ass with the shiny dildo. It’s incredible how well he’s taking it, taking her, his puckered hole now a sore-pink, wet, and she feels like crying, not knowing how to handle what’s going on. She loves him. She loves him so fucking much, and she knows he does, too. She feels overwhelmed with love and hunger as she speeds up her hips, the dildo now fully inside him as she fucks his ass.

He gasps and jolts when the dildo presses right up to his prostate. “Fuckin’ hell. Please keep going, fuck Daddy hard. Fuck me, baby– god, I’m gonna cum soon. Keep going, keep fucking me,” he rasps.

“You’re taking it so well. You look so fucking good.”

“Oh fuck– it feels so good. Fuck me harder, come on, fuck me.”

Feeling brave, she presses her fingernails into his ass cheek, then lifts her hand, a loud smack landing on his left cheek and Harry hisses, fingers curling into the sheets as he lets out whimper after whimper. She watches as the dildo disappears into Harry’s ass, the pink mark on his ass becoming redder and angrier by the second and she decides to press her front against his back, laying down on him as she fucks into him deeper, nipples getting ridiculously hard as soon as they make contact with Harry’s sweaty back.

She finds it easier to fuck him in this position, and she likes that they’re much closer now, mouths searching for each other as he reaches behind and grabs her ass, squeezing hard as she keeps thrusting hard and deep. With kisses placed against his sweaty neck, Harry tries to turn his head to where hers is, and they meet in a rushed, teeth-clashing kiss, Harry’s tongue darting out to lick into her mouth, but missing in the end, and licking the corner of her mouth instead as she lets out a whine, hand searching for his cock that’s now trapped between his body and the sheets.

He helps her, lifts up his lower body and she starts moving her hand up and down on his hard cock, head resting on the crook of his neck as her hips move lazily. He’s so hard, and she knows he’s close by the sounds he’s making, his hips jerking forward from time to time as little ‘uh’s leave his mouth, and she wants to help him. She wants him to cum so bad. She wants to be the one making him cum so fucking hard.

“Are you gonna cum,” she whispers into his neck. “Please, baby. Cum for me. Show me how much you liked getting fucked.”

“God,” with cock still in her palm, he tries thrusting his hips forward to meet the strokes of her hand. “Please– I’m g’na cum so fuckin’ hard. You’re so fucking hot, so fucking good to me. Oh my god, baby, it hurts.”

“Yeah? It hurts?” She squeezes the base of his cock, then touches his balls briefly before continuing her strokes. “You’re taking it so well. Come on, Daddy. I need you to cum.”

“God, I’m– oh fuck. I’m gonna… Make me cum. Come on, make Daddy cum.” 

She squeezes his cock once again, sending sharp jolts of pleasure straight to his cock. When he lets out a choked breath, she knows he’s coming. It’s hot, sticky, and so fucking dirty, the cum coating her palm, creating more lubrication as she keeps stroking him lazily, dildo still filling up his ass, and with a groan, Harry reaches behind to smack her ass.

They stay like that for a while, with her still inside him as he tries to catch his breath, and she proceeds to match their breaths to the clock on the wall, feeling completely spent but still frustrated since the pool of wetness between her folds seems to be intensifying every passing moment.

After a while, Harry clears his throat. “Are you a dream?” It’s soft, only a whisper, and sickeningly sweet.

“Hm?”

“You’re a dream. You’re unbelievable– I love love love you,” he sighs, voice breaking. It takes him a few seconds to complete his sentence.

“No, thank you. I hope… I hope you liked it?”

“Fucking loved it. What about you?”

“I did. You did so good,” she touches his sweaty hair. “But,” she starts, legs starting to feel sore. “I’m still so fucking wet.”

“Oh, fuck. I’m sorry, sweet girl–” Harry reaches behind and strokes her hip. “Can I fuck you now?”

“Yes, please.”

The strap-on now on the floor, Harry takes his time to admire her soft features, the sweat on her forehead and messy strands of hair sticking to her face. She rubs her eyes, and lets out a yawn, but her other hand reaches blindly for Harry, and he smiles, the gesture leaving his chest, his heart heavy and hot and full of love. He lets her hold on to him as she keeps rubbing her eyes, then he links their fingers as she opens her eyes to find him staring.

She gives him a lazy smile. “What?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all.”

“All right, Shakespeare… mhm, come here,” she pulls him closer by his love handles. “I love you. Happy birthday. Again.”

“I love you so much. How is it possible to want you this much, hm?” He mumbles against her sweaty neck, not caring about the bitter taste of her skin. He watches as her smile widens, eyes tired and sleepy. “There’s a halo in your mouth.”

pls reblog if you enjoyed it! it only takes a second but it helps me tons <3 inbox is always open for your feedback!!!!! <3 lu

#harry styles imagine #harry styles smut #sub!harry #harry styles x reader #harry styles blurb #harry styles x y/n

[whoree321]

can I request some headcannons of the bad batch reacting to reader getting called fat and comforting her?

(today while I was at school someone called me fat)

omg well ok first of all bestie i’m so sorry that happened to you!! i def experienced my fair share of that sort of thing back in my day, but just remember that above all else your body is merely a vessel to contain the infinite galaxies that form the irreplicable, unique multitudes of humanity that live within you. you are so much more than the physical form you inhabit and simply the presence of your soul on this planet makes it a brighter place<3

but anyways! i hope y’all enjoy this! i would love nothing more than for this gaggle of big strong men to defend my honor

the bad batch + comforting gn!reader (body image)

WARNING: this is entirely about comments being made about the reader’s body. there are potentially triggering themes. please read with caution<3

Hunter

when hunter hears what happened, he experiences probably every single negative emotion a person could feel at once

angry at the person who insulted you, worried about you, sad that you’re sad, stressed about the best way to handle it and help you

internally, hunter is probably more distressed than you are

this man NEVER EVER shows it tho. the inside of his brain is literally like that scene in spongebob where his brain is the office and it’s on fire and all the little spongebobs are running around screaming. but on the outside?

“oh cyar’ika, come here. i’m so, so sorry my love”

he is tenderly holding you to his bosom, praising you and reassuring you and providing that feeling of safety and warmth that’s just so uniquely hunter until you almost forget why you were even upset

he is also such a good listener. he doesn’t exactly know what to say beyond complimenting/praising you (that’s easy- all he has to do is say what he’s already thinking), but he is so attentive and really takes in everything you’re saying as you’re ranting or letting your emotions out

just knowing how invested he is in trying to understand your problems and make you feel better makes you feel so loved and so special

Crosshair

crosshair is not the fucking one

crosshair hears that someone has called you fat, and he is literally breaking their knee caps like they owe him a gambling debt within 24 hours of the comment being made

like i’m serious. of all the batchers, he is the one to go out of his way and inflict serious violence upon the individual in question (wrecker might join him)

although he’s seething with rage on the inside, he does try to be there for you in the moment while you’re upset

he’s not very good with words, and he’s definitely the type to let his actions do the talking

he will spend literally hours just worshipping your body, kissing every inch and whispering little comments like “gorgeous” and “so beautiful” and “all mine” and he won’t stop until he’s confident you know just how enamoured he is with you. mind, body, and soul

he’ll get in the shower with you and wash your hair, letting the warm water and his fingers on your scalp soothe you as he presses feather light kisses to your back and neck and shoulder blades

he will wait to seek out his victim until you’re nestled into his bunk, snuggled under his covers and fast asleep. he’ll lay a quick kiss on the tip of your nose, admiring the peaceful look on your face for a moment before disappearing into the night to deal with the perpetrator

seriously tho crosshair is sending whoever said it to the med bay for EXTENDED time. he won’t kill them, but he will definitely disfigure them

Tech

tech would honestly be so confused. like he would be so upset that someone would say that to you, and even more upset that you were upset, but i think the entire situation would be a little bit baffling to him

like i think that he is probably one of the least likely batchers to notice or care what people look like physically, and so he just would not understand why someone would be so cruel

like what would someone have to gain from commenting negatively on your body? as far as he knew, there was nothing wrong with how you looked (quite the opposite, actually), and he would just find the whole idea of someone doing that to you so absurd

despite his confusion, i think in any situation where you’re upset tech would def sort of let you indicate what kind of comfort you wanted, and would go all in from there (he read that your partner often needs different kinds of emotional support at different times and he has worked very hard to recognize when you need each type of comfort)

like if you need verbal or physical reassurance, he’s worshipping you and letting you know exactly why he finds every piece of you so dazzlingly beautiful

if you need to cry and rant, he’s holding you close and stroking your hair and giving you a safe place to just let out your feelings

if you need to be angry about it, tech will sit with you and absolutely roast the shit out of whoever said it. like he’ll pull up files about them and just verbally demolish they’re entire existence until you’re wheezing with laughter

tech would just be so sweet and would hate seeing you upset and would try his best to fix it. he loves your body, but to him you are so much more than that and it kills him that someone could make you feel so badly over what he views as such a small aspect of all amazing things that make you who you are

Wrecker

when wrecker hears about what happened, he is equal parts heartbroken for you and LIVID

he doesn’t tolerate when people have things to say about the way he or his brothers look, and he CERTAINLY won’t tolerate someone commenting on the way you look

he’s already gearing up to go bash some heads in when it registers with him how upset you are

expect the hug of the CENTURY from this man

like seriously you’re worried he’s gonna crack one of your ribs with how hard he’s squeezing

he becomes the self care king

wrecker will spend an excessive amount of time pampering you and doing his best to make you feel loved (like literally days if he has enough time)

he’s running you warm baths, he’s doing face masks with you, he’s setting up a movie night with a pillow fort and yummy treats, he’s using your entire body as a pillow and wrapping his arms around you, planting sweet kisses all over your torso as the movie plays. anything he can think of to care of you and take your mind off of the horrible way you were spoken to

wrecker isn’t gonna have as much verbally as hunter or tech or echo, pretty much confined to statements like “oh don’t listen to them, Y/N, you’re absolutely perfect”, but the way he dotes on you and the tenderness he shows to you and your body lets you know that he really, really means it

(also, he won’t seek them out, but if he ever happens to run into person who said it, he does not hesitate to beat the living shit out of them. disrespectfully)

Echo

when echo hears about what was said to you, he’s really just unbelievably sad

while people don’t usually make comments about him to his face, he knows how terrible it feels to be uncomfortable with your own body and he would do anything to keep you from feeling that

echo responds initially like hunter, holding you close and letting you cry or yell for a while, but he refuses to let you feel anything other than beautiful

he takes you to your closet and tells you to pick out one outfit that makes you feel good about yourself (if you have trouble feeling good about any of them, don’t worry. he won’t hesitate to pick out one he knows you look great in)

once you’ve decided on it, he tells you to put it on. if you’re uncomfy with him watching you change, he happily looks away until you’re ready for him to turn around. if you’re cool with him watching, he makes it a point not to hide his admiration of your form, offering sweet compliments and sultry glances

once you’ve changed, he stands you in front of the mirror so you can see yourself, and describes to you all your wonderful features. he lets you disagree with him and point out your flaws, and he counters each of them without missing a beat

echo just wants you to see yourself the way he sees you, and he stands there with you, offering so much patience and love, until he’s filled your heart with so much warmth you can feel your tears returning (this time in a good way)

you do so much to help him when he feels insecure about his appearance since the citadel, so above all else, echo needs you to know just how perfect you are, regardless of what some prick might say

#the bad batch #bad batch #tbb #tbb crosshair #tbb hunter #tbb wrecker #the bad batch x reader #tbb echo #tbb tech #tbb x reader #tech x reader #wrecker x reader #echo x reader #crosshair x reader #hunter x reader #the bad batch headcanons

[procrastinatingsapphictrash]

Migraines

Word count: 1679

Genre: Hurt/comfort 

Pairings: Natasha x fem!reader, platonic avengers x fem!reader

Warnings: Some swearing (let me know if I need to add more)

Request: hi~ was wondering if you’d do a natasha x reader with a dash of platonic avengers when reader has chronic migraines but hasn’t told nat so ends up in random places to try and sleep them away and the others keep finding her and then nat figures out she’s hiding something and feels hurt but ends fluffy wanting to take care of reader next time? you can choose who and change any part you want!

Summary: Reader gets really bad migraines and is constantly being found by the team when she wants to be alone, however her girlfriend Natasha doesn’t know what’s going on. 

A/n: This request was for @casperlikej​ so I hope you like it! Also I would like to mention that I know next to nothing about migraines so this probably won’t be super accurate but hopefully it’s ok to read anyways. I’m queuing this to come out on Sunday so that over the weekend I can work on the friends to enemies to lovers three part series and get that out soon (no I have not forgotten about that request). I am only like a sixth into that series but so far I’m super proud of it so I can’t wait to get it done! Also if anyone has ideas, feel free to request anything because I like having multiple fic ideas to think of at all times. Anyways I’m rambling now but I hope you enjoy this fic!

You hated being away from Natasha because although you had only been together for a few months and only known her for half a year you were sure you loved her but sometimes you just couldn’t stand pretending to be okay in front of her so you would hide yourself away. Currently your favourite place to hide was a nice rocking chair near the medbay area that was tucked away in the corner of a room. Barely anyone ever went by and the few that did never seemed to notice, giving you the anonymously you needed in order to curl up with your head in your knees and try to calm your head down. 

“Y/n? What are you doing here?” You hear Tony’s voice ask and you startle. 

“Oh, um, I’m just spending time with myself.” You respond lamely as Tony raises an eyebrow. 

“You never spend time by yourself,” he points out, “whenever you want to get away from us you always spend time with Natasha.” 

“I am alone sometimes.” You say starting to get annoyed. 

He scoffs. “No you aren’t, is everything ok between you two?”

“Everything is fine, just leave!” You snap at him. He hesitates in leaving the room but ultimately goes without saying another word after seeing how intensely you started glaring at him. It takes longer than usual for your migraine to go away because usually staying level headed helped but at least you yelling got Tony out of the room and to stop asking questions.

---

It was only a few days later that you got another migraine. You excuse yourself from the room you were sitting in with Bruce, Tony and Nat, mumbling some bullshit about needing to go to the store and ignoring Tony’s worried look on your way out. You knew that Tony would come looking for you in your old place so you decide to hole up in the room near the pad Thor uses whenever he visits earth. Today wasn’t a very bad migraine because you were able to catch the signs early but it still takes slightly over an hour for your head to stop pounding. You’re about to leave the room and go back to find the others but just to your luck Thor happens to arrive today unscheduled, something that only happens every few weeks. 

“Lady Y/l/n!” his voice booms happily as he steps inside, “it’s so good to see you, but what are you doing here, I wasn’t aware I had informed anyone of my arrival.”

You laugh slightly at his formal way of speaking and confused expression. “You didn’t, I just happened to be here because I was trying to be alone for awhile.”

“Are you feeling unwell?” He asks, looking concerned. 

“Not at all,” you reassure him, “in fact I was just about to go back to the others when you arrived, shall we find them together?” He nods eagerly, holding out his arm for you to hook onto like a true gentleman.

---

The next time you try to hide away you’re talking to Steve and he isn’t getting your subtle cues that you want to leave so he just keeps talking. You think he is talking about some sort of mission but honestly you don’t know because it physically hurts your brain to pay attention. You want to yell at him so badly but you can’t bring yourself to because he isn't trying to hurt you at all and he’s too nice to be angry at. 

“You agree Y/n?” You manage to make out. 

“Yes.” You say, not knowing what you’re even agreeing to.

“Great, I’ll go talk to the others, see you tomorrow for the morning training!” He says before walking off. You groan out loud as soon as you can no longer see him, partly because of how much your head hurts and partly because you accidentally told Steve that morning training was a good idea. This time you just plop yourself on the nearest couch and hope nobody finds you. 

---

You stumble into Bruce’s lab calling out for him. It had been over a week since your last migraine and encounter with Steve, one of the longest breaks you’ve had within recent memory but that came back to bite you in the ass when today’s was worse than ever before, even blurring your vision a little because of the pain. 

Bruce stands up from behind a pile of boxes. “Y/n, what brings you here.” 

“Pain meds now.” You order in a weak voice. He looks curious but doesn’t question you, heading towards a back cabinet and pulling out a bottle of pills. You immediately take two and swallow, ignoring him scolding you that you should only take one. Luckily since Bruce invented them himself it only took about five minutes for them to kick in. 

“Sorry, I had a really bad headache.” You tell him which is a half truth. 

He looks at you in concern. “Are you sure that was only a headache? It looked bad.” 

You wave him off, heading towards the door because you didn’t want him to ask anymore questions. “I’m fine Brucie, thanks again!” He sighs and shakes his head as he watches you leave, worried but deciding it’s not his place to badger you about it. 

---

Since every time you got a migraine you always ended up around one of the others you made a plan so that you could avoid everyone because you knew that one day your luck was going to end and Natasha would be the one to find you. You knew that she wouldn’t be mad at you or anything since you can’t control them but the relationship is still new and you don’t want to badger her with any of your problems. 

That’s why as soon as you start to feel a migraine coming on you hoist yourself up into the vents above your (sort of) shared room with Natasha where you had left a blanket and some pillows to relax with… only to find Clint waiting for you there. 

“I was wondering who had left these up there.” He says, seeming like it was a perfectly natural thing for him to be in the vents above your room. You decide not to question it, only sighing because you know that conversation would take up too many thoughts that you don’t have space for right now. You’re just so fucking done with your migraines and want them to go away. 

Clint notices your sadden expression and is serious for once. “Y/n, what’s going on?”

“I get these stupid fucking migraines and it only seems to be getting worse and I don’t want anyone to think I’m weak and I want Natasha but I don’t want to bother her with my problems.” You unload, holding back tears.

“I’m not going to lie to you, I don’t know how to make you feel better,” he confesses, “however why don’t you try to take a nap in your own bed and if you really don’t want Tasha to find you I can keep her distracted.” You nod and he helps you back out of the vents, climbing down after you. 

“Clint?” you say as he’s leaving the room and he turns around, “thanks.”

---

Clint makes his way to the common room where he sees Steve talking to Natasha. 

“Hey guys, what’s up?” He asks with a smile, faltering when he sees Natasha looks upset. “Nat, what’s wrong?”

“I think Y/n is going to break up with me.” She says, her voice thick with emotion. 

Steve frowns. “I told you not to jump to conclusions, maybe you should just talk to her.” Natasha just shakes her head, looking down and taking a deep breath, trying to regulate her emotions. 

“Y/n’s going to hate me for this,” Clint says as two pairs of eyes turn to him, “but you should go to your room, I promise that she’s not planning on breaking up with you.” 

Natasha noticeably brightens. “Are you sure?”

Clint nods. “I’m sure, she said not even five minutes ago that she wanted you. She’s going through some shit right now that you should talk to her about but she wouldn’t break up with you.” 

“Thanks.” Natasha replies, before hurrying to your shared room, worried about you after what Clint said. 

---

You curl up on the bed and let a few tears fall out and before long you are full on sobbing. You always try to stay strong and not cry but you just can’t deal with the migraines anymore. The bed shifts behind you and you sit up straight looking behind you. Natasha is climbing on to it and looking at you with a worried expression on her face. 

“I thought Clint was going to keep you busy.” You say, sniffling to try to stop your tears.

“He must have lied because he told me to come here.” She responds. 

“He’s an asshole.” 

She gives a small laugh. “Normally yes, but he did the right thing, I want to help you with whatever is upsetting you.” 

“You shouldn’t have to deal with me like this,” you tell her, “my migraines are my problem that I have to deal with.” 

She moves across the bed and puts her arms around you. “No sweetheart, I’m here with you.” You start to cry again, this time while it’s slightly from the pain it’s mostly because you feel so overwhelmed with how much she supports you. She pulls you in tightly to her chest, and plants a kiss on the top of your head. 

“I will always be here for you if you need something ok?” she says. “But now you need to rest.” 

“But-” you start to protest before she cuts you off. 

“No buts, you need sleep.” She says while shushing you. You wiggle back, trying to be as far into arms as possible before you slowly drift off, the pain of the migraine going away and all you can feel is warmth.

---

Taglist: @fayhar @stephanieromanoff @stop-drop-and-drumroll @acertainredhead​ (if you want to be added, comment, send an ask, or message me)

#natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #black widow #black widow x reader #avengers #avengers x reader #platonic avengers x reader #marvel reader insert #marvel fanfiction #x reader

[jamiethetrans]

Women of SVU - Day 4 - Under the influence of strong medicine, alcohol or edibles

Alexandra Cabot x Reader

AN: Hey everyone!

Sorry about the long wait. Got a lot going on at the moment, and needed some time away to clear everything out.

I’m currently on waiting list to get testosterone/hormones for my transitioning and I’ve waited for almost six months now, so it’s taking quite a toll on me at the moment.

Plus I’m changing location of my job because I hate the current managers and everything is just going very slowly when you have a whole month ahead of you with those people still.

But I am back and I’m planning on writing more than ever!

Sorry about the spam of all the stories and chapters but needed everything transferred before deleting the account.

Hope you like this one!

- Jamie

•

"Would you say you're a charming man, mr. Brown?", Alex asked as she began her cross examination, looking down in her files. Both you and Olivia scoffed at the way the man's face instantly turned into a smirk. Not to mention the biggest one yet in the four hours the trial had taken so far.

"I would say I'm rather charming yes", he answered and Alex looked up from her papers meeting the man's eyes.

"So you don't have trouble finding women?"

The man shook his head. "No. It has never been an issue"

"Then why rape Bridget Harper?"

"Objection!", the defense called and the judge nodded.

"Withdrawn", Alex quickly said though before the judge could say anything and conitued. "Mr. Brown is it true that miss Harper worked at your firm for almost ten years before you fired her?"

"I didn't fire her, she decided to leave the company herself", he countered and Alex gave a weird smile towards him.

"It's funny you should say that”, she said walking back to her desk. “Because in this e-mail, people's exhibit fourteen, you're using the exact line 'You're fired'. And from her respones, it doesn't give any clue nor indication that she herself put down her resignation", she countered back and mr Broan immedietly froze looking down. He looked down at his fingers and you smirked as you sat next to Olivia.

"I-I didn't mean-"

"She also writes, and I qoute 'You're only firing me because I told you no. And then you raped me" You turned and wathced as Bridget let a tear fall down her cheek. "She's accusing you of raping her"

"I didn't-"

"She told you no. You couldn't take no for an answer so you raped her and fired her for it", Alex said and mr. Brown sighed and looked down. "Nothing further", she said and walked back to her seat.

Right in that moment, mr. Brown turned to one of his people from behind the defense table and one of them suddenly stood from his seat. You immediately noticed the gun in his hand, pointing it at Alex and you stood from your seat and held up your own gun.

“Drop the gun!”, you yelled and the man turned, redirecting his gun towards you. You quickly shot him in his shoulder and everyone screamed and got down on their knees.

Before you could react you heard another gunshot and felt a heavy amount of pain in your own shoulder, falling to the ground. “Y/n!”, Olivia yelled and the shooter was quickly shot down as well. She brought her hand to your shoulder and held the wound tightly.

“Stay with me y/n. Stay with me”

You felt yourself slowly getting tired as you saw the blood floating from your body and onto the wooden floor. You turned your head and saw a wave of blonde. “Y/n? Y/n stay with us”

The last thing you saw was blue eyes and a wave of blonde getting closer to your face.

•

When you opened your eyes again you saw a small hand in yours and immediately squeezed it as hard as you could but for the small hand it only came as a soft squeeze. “Mom! Mom she’s awake”, a voice yelled and you feel your head already banging.

“Ssshh, easy Noah”, a soft voice said and you turned your head slightly to see your Captain walking towards you from her seat on the couch. “Hey champ, how you feeling?”

You chuckled giving her a nod. “I’m good thanks. What happened?”

“I drove with you to the hospital while Fin drove Alex over here. They’re in the cafeteria getting some coffee”, she said and you sighed turning to Noah who stood next to his mother. You had always adored the boy and you would do anything for him.

“Hey kid”

“Hey auntie y/n”

You chuckled and right there the door opened and you all turned to see Fin and Alex walk in, Kat and Rollins following up. “Hey kid, how are you feeling?”, Fin asked and you chuckled. He always called you kid. No matter where it was.

“I’m fine Fin. My shoulder hurts like hell though”

They all gave you sad smiles and you rolled your eyes. “Don’t give me those pity looks. I’m fine”

They all let out small laughs and your eyes met Alex’s. Oh how you loved her eyes. Sea blue with a hint of choral green.

“Alright miss y/l/n”, a voice suddenly said and you all turned to see the doctor coming in. “You’re awake. How’s the shoulder? Any pain?”

You wanted to be strong. Show your strength to your colleagues, to Alex. You wanted to show it to Noah, showing him you were his strong aunt that could survive anything. But the pain was just too unbearable. So you nodded and moved your neck away from him.

Olivia walked over to Fin and squeezed his shoulder. “We should let her be”, she whispered and Fin nodded. She turned to Kat and Rollins and they both understood the gesture.

They all left the room after goodbyes to you and that left Alex standing alone by the end of the bed. “I will give you some pain relievers, it should hold the pain down for a while”, the doctor said and you nodded. He walked out of the room and you turned meeting Alex’ eyes.

“Hey you”, she whispered and you smiled softly, trying to hold back the tears. She walked over to you and let her hand softly squeeze yours. “God you scared the crap out of me”, she said and you chuckled.

“Sorry. But I’m fine. I’m getting painkillers and I will get better, okay?”

She nodded and gave you a weak smile, your hands tangled together.

•

When you opened your eyes you immediately noticed you were alone. You turned your head and saw the bright light shine through the curtains. You felt yourself getting light headed, not able to control your own brain. It felt like that anyway.

The door opened and you Olivia walked in, Fin right behind her. “Eeey, my cap and my serg”, you said with a lousy smile. The two shared a look and you held out your hand for Olivia to take.

“How is my beautiful Captain today, mmh?”, you asked and the woman couldn’t stop herself from chuckling.

“I’m fine y/n, how are you?”

“Oh pft! I’m fine!”, you said with a pitched voice and Fin frowned at your behavior. Olivia simply chuckled, happy to see you in a better mood than yesterday.

The door opened again and you widened your eyes at the sight your partner. “Katty. Katty! Oh my god I have missed you so much!”, you said with a wide smile and Kat frowned with a smile at the nickname, turning to Olivia who simply shook her head.

“I’ve missed you too girl”, she said and you smiled wide.

“Oh of course you do. You and I? We are the best partners in New York!”, you said and extended a turned fist towards her. She smiled at the action and extended her own turned fist towards yours, doing your handshake. Up and down, meet in the middle for a fist bump before making a finger gun, firing it off.

The door opened again and Alex walked in, a file in her hands. Your eyes widened and smiled wide. “Alex!”

The blonde turned to you and smiled. “Y/n. How are you feeling?”

“Oh I am so good! I feel like I’m on fire! And that’s not just because of the meds”, you said giving her a wink and Alex’ cheeks reddened at a blush. Kat raised her eyebrows turning to Amanda who looked just as shocked.

“You guys wanna know a secret?”, you asked chuckling, feeling yourself getting higher. “I’m secretly in love with Alex”, you half whispered, holding your hand to the side of your mouth, meeting Kat’s eyes.

Kat widened her eyes, Amanda slamming her palm to her mouth while Fin turned to the others. Olivia turned to Alex who stood frozen in place looking at you.

It had only been a week since the blonde had come to her apartment and confessed her feelings for you. They had talked about it for hours, Alex practically exploding her heart into the apartment.

“But don’t tell her!”, you said obviously to the tension filling up between the others. “She doesn’t feel the same so please don’t”

Kat found herself nodded with a smile. “Of course partner”

You smiled nodding and soon you fell asleep, the meds taking all of your energy out.

•

The day you went back to work, you had your arm in a sling, your shoulder completely covered in bandages. Kat was the first to notice you as you stepped into the squad room and she stood from her seat faster than ever before.

You groaned at the tightness of her hug, feeling your shoulder complaining at the amount of pressure. “Sorry”, she whispered and you shook your head.

“S’okay”

You made your handshake before you turned and saw Amanda standing ready. You let her hug you as well, though a little softer. “How you feeling?”

“Better. The painkillers are definitely doing their job”, you said and the two women shared a look making you frowned at them. “What?”

“Nothing”, they both said in unison and you raised a perfect eyebrow at them as Amanda walked back to her seat. You shook it off and sat down by your desk, feeling relief wash over your body as you were finally back to work. God how you’ve missed it.

You sat and worked on a few reports for the next hour and you were almost done when you heard the familiar heels sounding through the entire squad room. You turned and met Alex’s eyes and the woman gave you a linear smile.

“Detective. Good to see you back on your feet”, she said and you sat completely tranced in her beauty. And completely unaware of what had happened at the hospital.

“It’s good to be back”, you said in a haste, blinking your eyes and she smiled at you. “I’ve missed working”, you continued.

“Of course you have. You’re a workaholic. Working is what you’re best at”, she said and you froze for a moment looking at her.

“Are you o–“

“Alex. Good you could make it”, Olivia came and interrupted and you watched as the blonde followed the brunette inside.

“You okay?”, a voice sounded through your ears and you turned to Tamin who gave you a soft smile.

“Yeah. Yeah I’m good. Wha... what was that about?”

“You don’t remember?”

You frowned at her quizzed expression and you shook your head gently. You had absolutely no idea what had happened. “What?”

Tamin turned to Rollins who sighed with a nod, telling her you deserved to know. Taming turned back to you who still sat with a frown.

“You were high on meds. You…”, she trailed off.

“I what?”

“You… you confessed your feelings for Alex to me”, she said and you blushed hard.

“Uhm… okay. Well, that’s not that ba–“

“While everyone else was there too”, she continued and this time you froze.

“You… you mean…”, you were unable to finish and both Tamin and Rollins nodded their heads.

All the color suddenly drained from your face and you turned towards Liv’s office and instantly met Alex’s eyes.

Shit

•

“Another?”

You turned to the sound and noticed the bartender standing in front of you, looking down at your now empty glass of scotch.

“Yeah sure”

The bartender took the bottle and poured, you watching the liquid fall into the glass.

“You sure that’s healthy for you?”, a voice suddenly asked and you turned to see Olivia standing next to you.

“Well, it’s too late now”, you said and Olivia rolled her eyes with a smile and sat down next to you, the bartender immediately noticing.

“Captain?”

Olivia shook her head with a smile at the question before turning to you. “You should talk to Alex. She’s been absolutely out her mind since you got shot”, she said and you chuckled.

“Really? She’s not scared since I basically confessed my heart out in front of everyone?”, you said and Olivia chuckled.

“Well you’re not the only one who’s confessed their heart out”

You frowned at her and Olivia smiled. “She adores you y/n. She absolutely adores you. Go talk to her”

You sat and stared at your drink for a moment debating your thoughts before standing from your seat. “Thanks Liv”

Olivia smiled at the kiss she received on her cheek before watching you leave the bar faster than ever before. She smiled and looked down at your still full glass and turned to the bartender. “Give me her tab”

•

It was just past ten when Alex heard a knocking on her door, frowning at the sudden guest at this time. She stood from the coach, turning the tv down before walking over to the front door.

When she opened she met your eyes and froze. “Y/n?”

You stood still staring into her eyes and Alex felt herself blush under your gaze. You stood for a solid minute staring into each other’s eyes, her blue ones the most beautiful ones you ever laid your eyes on.

“You want to come in?”, Alex suddenly asked and you nodded walking in. You noticed the tv and smiled.

“Say yes to the bride”, you read and turned to the prosecutor who blushed.

“What? I like the program”, she said and you smiled.

“It’s okay, I’m not judging. I like it too”, you said, trying to make her feel better about her little guilty pleasure. You caught yourself staring into her eyes again and blushed hard clearing your throat.

“May I… May I watch it… with you?”

Alex smiled at the small voice you used to ask and nodded. “I’d love that”

You smiled wide and sat down in the couch, Alex sitting next to you. You were about five minutes in when Alex began commenting on the dresses, and you laughed every time. Either they were too ugly or too big or just didn’t suit the woman who was wearing it.

“Wow Alex, if I knew you would be so savage with this program, I would have watched it with you sooner”

“Shut up”, she said hitting your arm and you laughed making her smile as well.

“This is nice”, you said after a while and she smiled. She laid her head on your shoulder, her hand squeezing your arm and you felt yourself blush.

“You know, don’t you?”, you asked into the silence and Alex turned to you, her eyes meeting yours. Your faces were so close now and you felt your heart beat faster.

“Know what?”

You knew she was challenging you. You could see it in her eyes. She wanted you to say it.

“That I have feelings for you”, you whispered and Alex stared into your eyes for a while, her hand coming to softly stroke your cheek.

“You should know too then”, she said and you furrowed your eyebrows.

“Know what?”

“That I have feelings for you too”

Before you could get a word out, she brought your face closer and brought your lips together in a chaste kiss.

#women of SVU #alex cabot x reader #alex cabot #law and order svu #special victims unit

[spidernerdsblog]

You’re a Sunflower (Part 2)

A/N : as some of you requested a second part here is it. I tried to incorporate all of the ideas you sent. Hope you like it. Let me know what you think.

Part 1

Pairing : Peter Parker x Reader

Summary : you finally come out of coma.

Warnings : none 

Peter’s phone rang the caller id flashing with Mr Stark’s name as he receives the call

“Hey Mr. Stark”

“Hey kid, where are you?” his voice sounded a little wary.

“Uh I’m at a college party. Is everything alright?” Peter frowns.

“Uh Peter you might want to be here at the compound right now”

“Anything wrong?”

“It’s Y/N” Peter felt his heart clench at it as an unknown fear gripped him.

“Y/N? What happened to her?” he asks restlessly.

“Things don't seem pretty good you should come as early as possible” Peter ends the call immediately without wasting time he rushed out of the party. Reaching the compound he runs out of the elevator to go to your room.

“Y/N! Y/N!” he pants as he finds your room empty.

“Peter..” Tony places a hand on his shoulder.

“Mr Stark where’s Y/N?” he turns to him with tears in his eyes.

“She has been shifted to the emergency room, her vitals were fluctuating massively. We have called in the best team of doctors and Strange is personally supervising everything. All will be fine kid” Tony tries his best to calm him down just then Strange and Banner walk out of the emergency room.

“What is her condition now Strange?” Tony asks.

“Nothing satisfactory. The toxin levels in her brain are just increasing by time we are trying to lower it but she isn’t responding to any of the drugs. If it deteriorates further I’m sorry to say but she might suffer a multi organ failure” Strange informs sadly.

“Mr Stark what if you give my blood to her? The spider venom in it will quickly heal her” Peter sounded desperate as he proposes the idea to them.

“Peter, are you forgetting that your father genetically modified the venom which is only compatible with his bloodline. Your blood will just worsen her condition” Tony says disapprovingly.

“I know but you’re the genius Tony Stark. Can’t you and Bruce think of a way to reverse engineer it and make her DNA compatible with my blood?” 

“It's impossible Peter it will take days, we even don’t know if it will even work or not and Y/N is running out of time” Banner points out.

“No, no there’s got to be some other way” he rambles pacing up and down the room.

“Peter, listen, you need to calm down” Tony advises.

“How can I calm down when the love of my life, my best friend is dying in front of my eyes and I’m sitting here helpless?!” Peter snaps out at him before dropping down on a nearby chair feeling awful at yelling at his father figure like mentor. He was completely broken from inside seeing you in your deathbed. He has lost his parents, his uncle, he doesn’t want to lose you too.

“Peter, we can understand what you’re going through everyone here loves Y/N  dearly but you have to stay strong” Natasha sat beside him rubbing his shoulders gently to help him calm down.

“Her pulse is declining” one of the doctors announced

“Charge the defibrillators now” Strange orders as he rushes inside.

“Y/N!” Peter stands up immediately 

“No, Peter you can’t go inside” everybody stops him.

“You don’t understand Y/N is dying she needs me” Peter sobbed.

“No one is dying today, get yourself together Queens” Steve orders him strictly.

Peter saw through the glass partition from outside the emergency room, your face covered with an oxygen mask and several wires connecting your body to different machines in the room, the team of doctors surrounding you trying their best in keeping you alive. One of them charged the defibrillator and placed the paddles on your chest. Your body jolted at the shock as everyone observed the monitor with anticipation but unfortunately your heart rate was continuously decreasing. They repeated the process but it seemed to be a futile attempt.

The beeping went slower and the HRM flat lined as Peter stared at it blankly.

Is this how your story ends? No heartfelt conversations, no last goodbyes just you drifting away from him in your sleep forever. The promise you made to each other of growing old together now lay broken. He hates to make this about himself but what is he supposed to do without you? When life gets hard who is he gonna pour his heart out to? Who’s going to cheer him up and make him believe in himself? Will he never get the chance to say how much he loves you? That you’re his ray of sunshine, his sunflower. You lighten up his life with your warmth and love and without you it’s all dark and cold. Tears trickled down his eyes as he watched the doctors give cpr to your limp body.

“Okay one more time” they charged the device and pressed it on your chest. Your body jolted all eyes inside and outside the room trained on the monitor hoping for some miracle to happen and after some nerve racking seconds later the machine started to beep again with kinks appearing in the monitor showing your heart was beating again. Everyone heaved a sigh of relief and rejoiced at it.

Strange and Banner walk out of the room to break the news that you were finally responding to the medicines and the toxin levels have decreased in your body. They also indicated that there may be a slight chance of you to wake up from your coma. Peter refused to go back home and stayed up all night by your side. He had decided to never let you out of his sight anymore.

🌻

Next morning Peter was dozing off beside you half asleep whilst you lay on the bed motionless, the sunlight peeking through the blinders of the window when suddenly you mumbled in your sleep.

“Peter…Peter..” Peter immediately jolted out of his sleep, his eyes wide in surprise and disbelief he thought he may be hearing things due to lack of sleep and then he watched you stir in your sleep there was a surge of emotions inside him as he jumped off his seat.

“Y/N?” lacing his hand to yours he shouted out “Mr Stark! Y/N is awake!”  

“Peter..” you mumbled again 

“Y/N I’m right here” his voice quivered, holding your hand tighter as tears filled his eyes. You squint your eyes open your pupils slowly adjusting to the lighting of the room and the first thing you saw was Peter’s warm honey brown eyes red and puffy tears streaming down the corners.

“Hey” he sniffles, smiling weakly. You tried to sit up with a groan.

“No, no don’t get up you’re weak” Peter makes you lie down again, your eyes scanning the unfamiliar surroundings.

“Where am I?” you ask in a raspy voice.

“You’re in the Avengers med facility” he informs wiping his tears with his hands.

“Why? What happened?” you frown as you hold your head a dull ache still persisting. “Why can’t I remember anything? The last thing I recall is you defeated eletro and-and then Harry threw me off the building, I-I was so scared” you rambled. He pulled you in his arms caressing the back of your head gently.

“I know, I know but everything is okay now, you’re safe” he murmured softly, you pulled away to look at him properly. 

“Did you get him?” Peter takes a long sigh before breaking the news to you.

“No Y/N and it has been 3 months to that incident” his voice was calm as your eyes bulged out in shock.

“Wait 3 months! But why don’t I remember anything after that?” you were totally lost.

“Y/N you had been in a coma for the last three months” he informs you.

“What?” you looked at him in disbelief 

“Yes Y/N I couldn’t save you on time and you were badly injured, the doctors were also unsure that if you were ever gonna recover but finally you are awake now”

“Oh my god..wait, where’s mom and dad? Are they ok? And aunt May?” you badgered him with questions.

“Everyone is fine Y/N and they will soon be here to meet you” he assures you meanwhile Tony came rushing in.

“Peter we heard you..” he stopped as soon as his eyes went to you “oh my god Y/N you’re finally awake” he exclaims in joy as the other avengers walk in the room they were equally happy and relieved that you have finally recovered.

“Welcome back to the land of the awakened” Natasha snickers giving you a warm hug as you smiled widely “Girl you really scared us last night”

Everyone asked you about how you’re feeling to which you had to reassure them several times that you feel fine. Your parents came to visit you along with aunt May; it was indeed an emotional moment for everyone. 

Later when everybody had finally left you alone in your room to rest Peter came in with a bouquet of sunflowers in hand. Your face instantly lit up seeing him. You never got the chance to talk to him properly between your parents and friends dropping by to pay you a visit and ask about your wellbeing so you were dying to have some alone time with him. 

“Aw you brought me sunflowers?” you chimed and he gave you a warm smile.

“Of course they’re your favourite after all, I actually brought them everyday for you so whenever you wake up you see the thing that makes you happiest” he says putting them inside the vase and then sits beside you.

“Then I have to say it's you who makes me the happiest” you reach out your hand to cup his face he holds it with his hand and softly kisses it.

Tony along with the other avengers were on their way to check up on you but they stopped at the doorway seeing you both.

“Aww they look so cute together again” Natasha gushed while Tony and Steve broke into a smile.

“I’m so happy to see the kid smiling again these past three months had been hell for him” Tony looks at Peter proudly.

“Let’s not disturb them right now and ruin the moment for them” Steve suggested.

“Yeah let them be, they deserve some alone time” Natasha and Tony agreed and went away. 

“Ok I know the college applications are closed now but I’m sure Mr Stark can pull some strings and I’ll provide you with all the notes you don’t have to worry about anything ok” Peter says cheerfully.

“Peter I just woke up from a three month coma. The last thing I want to hear right now is about college and exams” 

“Ok so what do you wanna talk about?” he scratches the back of his neck nervously.

“Can we just talk about you? How are you?”

“Well now that you’re out of coma I’m good, I really missed you so much” his face drops remembering the tragic night.

“Wish I could say the same if I wasn’t completely knocked out heh” you tried to lighten the mood.

“I was so scared for a moment I thought I lost you forever” he clings onto your hand

“It’s ok Peter I’m here now and completely fine, see” you tried to cheer him up

“No it's not this was all my fault, if it wasn’t for me your life wouldn’t have come in danger. It was to take revenge on me Harry threw you off the building and I couldn’t even save you” he sniffles. You cradle his face with your hands and make him look at you.

“Peter, look at me. it. wasn’t. your fault. do you understand? You had always tried to keep me away from your dangerous life but it was I who insisted to stay by your side and I’m gonna continue doing that” you gazed into his chocolate brown eyes “and as I said before I laugh at the face of danger see I even defeated death for you” you chuckled.

“And that will be the last time Y/N, promise me whatever happens you’ll never put your life in danger for me again, promise me Y/N” he insists as you sigh.

“Okay I promise you” you pull him closer to you as he leans forward to capture your lips. It had been a long time he had felt your soft lips on his as he instantly melted in the kiss. It was so delicate, soft and full of love as tears of joy streamed down both of your eyes.

..................................................................................

#tom holland #peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker smut #peter parker imagine #peter parker fluff #peter parker x y/n #peter parker x you #spiderman #marvel #peter parker oneshot

[1025cherrystreet]

order for me, please?

y/n is too anxious to order for herself at a restaurant, so harry does it for her.

disclaimer: did not proofread this, nor do i really like how i ended it. very much rushed, very much lost the plot i feel lmao. any feedback is appreciated!!! 

warnings: talks about anxiety quite a lot, other than that just fluff. kinda short soz <3

Harry rubs soft circles into your side while you're cuddled into him on the couch. The light coming in from the window casts a yellow glow into the room, little rainbow beams decorate random spots in your living room from the glass.

You've been a bit anxious today. The worst part of it is that you have no clue as to why you've been so anxious. Nothing particularly stressful has occurred since you woke up, but your heart hasn't stopped racing, your breathing has been quite shaky, and your palms are clammy. Some days are just harder than others, you know this, but it doesn't dismiss the fact that it's still difficult to even get through the day sometimes.

Since the moment you woke up in Harry's warm clutch this morning, you felt off. That uncomfortable feeling in your tummy and the constricting nails that seem lodged in your throat were a not-so-warm welcome when you opened your eyes.

Having anxiety and knowing how hard it is for you, you know how hard it can be for the people around you as well. You felt guilty. You felt guilty because today was one of Harry's days off from work and he doesn't get many of them, always so busy. You didn't want to ruin what was supposed to be a good, relaxing, fun day.

But, when Harry wished you a good morning love, and you had opened your mouth to speak with glossy eyes, only to have the words get caught in your throat, he knew today wasn't a good one.

However, because Harry is such an amazing person and boyfriend, he knows how to go about handling your anxiety. He knows you. He knows that you just need a cuddle and a slow day with tea and a good meal. He knows when you start to get really worked up, you listen to Landslide by Fleetwood Mac because it reminds you of a sweet childhood memory. He knows you don't want to do much talking, but rather more watching TV. He knows you like to distract yourself on your bad days...and he knows how to do so.

So, after spending all morning and into the afternoon having tea and breakfast and taking your meds (along with a short cry), you're now cuddling on the couch mindlessly watching a movie. It's quiet in the house, the only sound coming from the television (and maybe your heart beating if Harry got close enough), but Harry swears you could be able to hear his thoughts from a mile away.

He worries about you sometimes. As does everyone who loves someone. He's never loved someone as much as he loves you and it scares him sometimes. He's not scared of falling out of love or deciding you guys aren't the best for each other, no. He's scared of not being enough for you. He knows you tell him that he's the love of your life and that he will always be enough for you, but a little part of him is scared that he might not be able to take care of you. Now, he's not saying in any way, shape, or form that he's not capable of taking care of you, because he can! He's just scared he might mess up and make your anxiety worse. He hates seeing you so out of it.

You're always the sunlight in every room, always smiling and so loving. You care so deeply for everyone around you, he admires it. He admires you. He loves you, so he hates that your mind can be mean to you at times.

See, his troubles with anxiety are far different from yours. Gratefully, his anxiety is more rational (still troubling, just more rational!) ... which is the complete opposite to yours. Your disorder is so irrational and crazy that, more often than not, you get so frustrated with yourself. Your brain makes up problems to be there that aren't there. You worry about nothing and everything all at once, feeling like you never get a break from the mental toll it has on you.

So with that, Harry hates seeing you so anxious. He knows you're so vulnerable and fragile in this state that he doesn't want to make anything worse for you, he wishes every day that he could just take all the worry and bad thoughts from your head and put them on himself instead, as long as it meant that you'd be your happy self again.

But, he knows that's not possible. He also knows that's it's okay to not be okay all the time, so he packs his wishes back into his brain and cuddles you closer. Hoping you can feel his love reverberate off every surface of this house to you.

Oddly enough, you almost feel as if you can. In your simultaneously busy yet silent mind, you can make out his affection in every circle he draws onto your skin with his fingertips, in every warm cup of tea he makes, and every sickly sweet kiss he presses onto your lips, forehead, and cheek. You know he loves you and you hope with everything that he knows you love him just as much, if not more.

With that thought running through your head, you turn to place a kiss to his chest, lightly tracing the butterfly (moth?) tattoo through his shirt. A content hum sounds from his lips and he squeezes you tighter before kissing the top of your head.

"I love you," He whispers, as if not to disturb the comfortable silence created in this space.

"I love you more," You whisper back, the tea earlier melting the nails in your throat just a little.

***

"Does Carrburritos sound good, lovie?" Harry asks, waiting on the edge of y'all's bed for you to finish getting ready.

Carrburritos is your favorite restaurant ever. Of course, you know that's why Harry chose it and the thought of him doing something as simple as that melts your heart at how sweet and thoughtful he is.

"Yeah, thank you, bubs." You respond softly, still in the fragile state you were in earlier, albeit definitely feeling better. You make your way to the edge of the bed where Harry is, slotting your body between his legs and bringing your hands up to play with the little curls on his neck.

"Alright, love. If you're ready to go, we can start to head over?" He asks, rubbing his big hands up and down along your sides.

You nod, leaning into kiss him. It's short, but your lips melt against his and no matter how many times you've kissed him, every single one still feels as magical as the first time.

The two of you get to the restaurant in 15 minutes time, settling at a table close to the window, in more of a quiet area. You feel better than you have all day, but the loud noises and the people in here are making your heart rate spike just a tad.

You and Harry talk softly about random topics, nothing about work or anything too heavy because you don't think you're able to handle that right now. You giggle at the jokes Harry will slip in ever so often and his face lights up at the sound, loving that he can make you feel comfortable after having such a hard day.

When the waitress comes by to get your drink orders, your leg starts bouncing a mile a minute under the table. You rehearse the five words just a sweet tea, please, over and over in your head for when she gets to you. Somehow, you manage to squeak out the order, avoiding eye contact as a nervous habit, but now that you realize you're doing it, the fear of coming across as rude now terrorized your mind. But, before you could do anything about it, the waitress walks away.

"You okay, baby?" Harry can sense your nerves, practically seeing them coming off of you. He reaches his hand across the table to hold yours, rubbing his thumb along your hand.

You just nod, trying to calm yourself. You're being so silly, you think to yourself. What? You're really about to cry because you forgot you have to talk to the waitress to order your food? It's a small encounter, you don't understand why your head makes it such a difficult task. You start to get frustrated with yourself, almost bringing tears to your eyes.

"Hey, tell me what you need, darling?" Harry coos, ducking his head to get in your line of sight since you've been stuck staring at the table top for the past few minutes.

You clear your throat in hopes to push down the tears and diminish the scratching feeling in your throat, although, it didn't do much.

"C-can you..." You huff, now frustrated that you can't even speak, "can you please order for me?" You glance at him, but not holding your gaze long before looking out the window at passing cars. You feel so stupid asking him to order for you. For fucks sake, you're not a child. And you can't tell if it's worse or better that you know he's going to have no problem ordering for you (or doing anything for you, for that matter). He'd do anything for you in a heartbeat.

A soft, loving smile pulls on his lips before he speaks.

"Of course, my sweet girl. It's no problem at all, you want what you normally get?" He asks and you offer a gentle nod.

If he's being honest, he actually likes you depending on him like this sometimes. Not to say that you need him to do everything for you, because you're more than capable, he would like to add! But, knowing that you're comfortable and trust him enough to be so open with him and ask him to do certain things for you makes him feel so...valuable? Maybe that's not the right word he'd like to use, but he just loves that he can do something for you to make your life easier. Your joy brings him joy.

When the waitress comes back, Harry orders for the both of you. Your heart could explode with the amount of adoration you have for the man sitting across from you. He just... gets it. He gets you.

So, with full bellies and calmed nerves, the two of you make your way back home and get settled in y'all's bed to cuddle for the rest of the night. Sprinkled thank you's and sweet kisses are shared while the two of you share warmth under the dozens of blankets adorning the bed.

"I'm sorry I wasted your day off, H." You whisper out into the air.

Pressing a peck to your shoulder, Harry tugs you to turn so you're facing him. He shakes his head, "Y/N, you didn't waste my day. Always perfect with you." His big hands squeezing lovingly at your waist as if he's trying to transfer his love for you to you.

"Look at me," He says when he catches your eyes cast down at his tattooed chest. "You will never, ever, be a burden, lovie. I know y'feel like you're botherin' me, or everyone, by jus'existing, but you've got it all wrong. Baby, I hate seeing you so anxious, and I know you can't control it, but tha's not gonna stop me from doin' everythin' I can to make you comfortable...and loved."

Your face breaks out in, probably, the biggest grin you've had all day at his assurance.

"I always feel comfortable and loved with you, H."

#Harry Styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fic #harry styles fluff #harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #hshq #hs #harry #y/n #fluff #fine line #hs1 #anxiety #writing #1025cherrystreet #fanfic #fanfiction