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ahgasegotarmy116 · 19 days

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Just Take It | Jeon Jungkook | Part Five

Summary: You start a conversation with Jungkook about where you stand but are interrupted by an uninvited visitor Pairing: Inexperienced f!reader x Best Friend's Dad Jungkook (20 year age gap) Word Count: 4.7K~ Warnings: Suggestive and explicit language (an argument). Nothing too crazy honestly. Horribly edited too because it's been three weeks and I wanted to get it out! a/n: Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter out but I was away from home for a week and then wrote a couple of one shots and blah blah blah lol but anyways I hope you enjoyyyy Requested by: @kkusadmirer 💜

After our eventful afternoon Jungkook and I ended up laying in his bed and watching movies since like he said, he wanted me to be "well rested" before we have the talk. The talk that could change everything between us...

There are multiple outcomes to this scenario and I'm not sure if I'm ready for any of them.

On one hand he could say this was all a mistake and he was just acting on his urges. I know now for damn sure though that he's attracted to me but I don't know what his motives and feeling are towards me. If he even has any besides surface level physical attraction.

On the other hand he could want to pursue a friends with benefits sort of arrangement. Being fuck buddies or whatever with an older man does sound exciting when I think about doing it with him. It's just that don't know if I'd want something like that even if it was with him.

I told Jared before that I wanted to save myself for marriage and I feel like that's something I still want to stick to. I've definitely crossed so many lines with Jungkook in the last not even twenty four hours, more like twelve hours or something like that but regardless lines have been crossed and I'm still not sure how I feel about any of it.

I want to say that I don't regret it and it's not just because it felt fucking phenomenal and out of this world but because I feel safe with him.

It might just be because over the past couple of months that I've been living with him he's become someone I care about and honestly trust with my life so I didn't really feel a need to say no to him. I wanted it to happen, I know I did I just didn't really think it would ever happen. I thought that it would stay in my hormonal fantasies forever and I was okay with that.

The way he's been treating me has shown me that he cares about me. Although I was trying to convince myself that it was somewhat of a paternal instinct in him and that he was just being protective over me, I knew that it was something beyond that.

I tried to somewhat address it in a weird sort of way with the whole asking why he didn't have anyone over conversation and he knew what I was trying to ask and addressed it but his answer me even more confused.

"I wouldn't want to ruin what we have going on here" like what does that even mean? He doesn't want to ruin the dynamic we have in the house in terms of we're comfortable with each other and feel no need to let anyone inside our little safe space.

Or did he mean that he didn't want to ruin what we have going on here because he wanted to see where things went with us on a more romantic level?

He hasn't explicitly told me that he would want to pursue a relationship with me but circling back to before he's given me clear signs that he's attracted to me and isn't one to hide it.

He knows to a certain extent that I find him attractive too because I asked him to take my virginity. (I'm never gonna be able to live that one down) Anyone could tell that he was clearly struggling to hold himself back and the fact that he kissed me just shows that he wanted to. That he wanted me.

Then there's another possibility that he might want a sugar baby sort of relationship and I don't even want to think about something like that.

Don't get me wrong! I respect the hustle, but that's just not for me.

If I'm gonna be doing something like what we are doing right now then I want it to be something that I want to do without any ulterior motive. I don't want to put a monetary value on the time I spend with him but not gonna lie, living it large and not having to worry about money or working sounds very tempting.

I don't think he's that kind of man though...or at least I hope he's not.

"Penny for your thoughts?" he asks playfully, having noticed that I haven't really been paying attention to the movie we've been watching.

"Just thinking" I answer, cuddling in closer to him as I've refused to let go of him today and he hasn't made moves to do any different.

"Bout what?" he prods further, placing a kiss on the top of my head and taking in the fresh scent of his shampoo in my hair.

"Things" I continue, liking the game we've started to play.

"What sort of things?" he chuckles, telling me that he's enjoying it too.

"All kinds of things" I say nuzzling closer into him and he wraps his arm tighter around me to keep me there.

"Wanna share a few?" he asks, clearly not letting this go since he wants to at least make sure I'm okay.

"Thinking about how you might want to make me your sugar baby" I mumble into his chest and he laughs wholeheartedly making me even more embarrassed.

"Is that something you'd want?" he asks and I shake my head.

"You don't wanna be at home and sit pretty, waiting for me to come back and shower you with gifts and jewelry and give you the world?" he teases while pinching my sides making me pull away from him, trying to escape.

"N-no! Now s-stop" I choke out through laughter and gasps of breath. "What would you want" he asks after having tackled me down onto the mattress making sure to do a thorough job of tickling me until I could barely breathe.

I take a second to think, my eyes going back and forth between his while his stay still, focused and almost begging for an answer.

"I thought we weren't going to have this conversation until I was well rested" I say, breathless, still not knowing up from down when it comes to us. If there even is an 'us'.

"You feel well rested?" he asks, cocking a brow at me and I nod my head quickly, giving me a crooked smile in response. "Then it's perfect timing right?" he continues and I nod again leaving him getting off of me and leaning his back against the headboard, waiting to hear what I have to say.

I take a minute or so to gather my thoughts and the whole time he's watching me curiously, almost able to see the wheels turning in my head.

"What happened between us kind of caught me by surprise" I start, looking down at my lap and playing with my fingers nervously. "I don't regret it, it was just, well I'm just kind of confused about how you feel about me, and I'm really confused about how I feel about you" I admit and I can see his expression go a bit wary but I jump at the chance to explain myself.

"It's just that I think both of us know at this point that we're extremely attracted to each other" I start out and the corner of his lips upturns for a second but nods in confirmation, waiting for me to continue.

"With us getting physical and all so quickly I can't help but think that maybe we should take a step back. I would like to know your thoughts and intentions and feelings about all of this. I might be overthinking it but I really think it's best to be up front and honest with each other" I say and take in a shaky breath, scared I might've said the wrong thing.

"You're so sexy when you act so mature like that" he taunts and I groan, wanting to keep this serious. "I'm just playing Bunny. Well I'm not because you really are sexy but I don't want you to feel all nervous and insecure like you are right now. We're being open and honest right?" he questions and I nod my head, eager for him to continue.

"Meaning it would be the perfect opportunity to tell you that I have feelings for you right?" he says and my eye bug out in response, not knowing what to do now. "Wasn't expecting that huh?" he chuckles and I shake my head making him laugh even more.

"Cat got your tongue Darling?" he teases and scoff at that. "No I was just being polite and letting you keep talking since you let me do the same" I say, making excuses and trying to keep my voice level.

"Sure Bunny" he smirks not believing a word I said but continuing nevertheless.

"I've had feelings for you for a while now and I haven't told you or acted on it because I wanted to respect the fact that you were in a relationship. I never liked Jared though for what it's worth" he says without hesitation and it makes me cringe at the thought that I was about to marry that snake.

"Is it harsh to say I'm glad he's out of the picture?" he says boldly making me laugh. "Not just because it benefitted me but because he didn't deserve to marry a beautiful, intelligent, kind hearted woman like you. I would've said something but I'm not your father so I knew it wasn't my place" he finishes and making me smile, thankful that he was so considerate.

Now that I think about it, even back then I respected and trusted his judgement so it wouldn't have bothered me even if he did say something.

"It's not harsh to say because I'm happy about it too. To be honest though I don't really know what I ever saw in him. I think because he was the first guy that more or less respected my boundaries that I thought I had to hold onto him. I don't know" I say and he nods his head.

This is something I haven't experienced before. Someone sitting and taking the time to actually talk things out without any outside distractions and focusing on each other and hearing each other out.

Maybe it's just an age thing and the fact that Jungkook does fit the standard of dating older and more mature men is better. We're not dating though, but I guess we'll hopefully figure out where we stand once this conversation comes to a close.

"I'm really confused and I kind of don't know how to feel but I'm not closed off to figuring things out" I say, glancing up at him and back down at my lap, nervous from seeing how fascinated he is with me right now.

I hold my breath and wait for him to say something but when nothing ever comes I chance looking up at him again and I'm surprised to see how he's still watching me.

"Like I said, I've had feelings for you for a while and if you're open to seeing where things go then I would really like to take you out on a date. Like on a proper date. I know since we've been living together and we've been spending a lot of time together but I-" he start off strong but begins to ramble and is regretfully cut off by the sound of the front door opening.

"Dad! Dad where are you?" Jina calls out and neither of us dares to move or make a sound. "Dad" Jina drags out, regretfully confirming that I am in fact not dreaming. "Be down in a second" he says then presses a finger to his lips.

"Just stay in here and I'll take care of it" he whispers and I nod my head, watching him as he panics internally before leaving the room and closing the door softly behind him.

What the hell are we gonna do? My car is out there! Or wait, did I put it in the garage yesterday? I can't remember but I really hope it's not out there otherwise she'll already know I'm here.

"What are you doing here?" Jungkook says. I can hear his muffled voice through the walls and I know I probably shouldn't listen but curiosity gets the best of me making me rush to the door and quietly crack it open, needing to hear how this conversation goes.

"Nice to see you too dad" she says, and I hate the fact that I'm only able to hear them but I'll settle for this.

"You should've contacted me before you came over Jina. You know I don't like people showing up unannounced" he says sternly.

"You're usually totally fine with me coming over" she says sounding thoroughly confused and I can hear Jungkook clear his throat before she starts again.

"Am I interrupting something?" she asks after no doubt clocking the dishes that were left over from lunch. Two plates, two cups and two sets of silverware. A dead giveaway that someone is here especially since it hasn't been cleaned up yet.

"You are actually" he says and I trip, surprised that he would straight up admit it but he has no reason to hide, and neither do I.

Having pushed the door open thanks to my clumsiness (somehow able to stay upright and keep my dignity this time) I'm faced with the dilemma of if I should just go back inside and pretend that never happened when it clearly did or come out and face her.

I'm given the luxury of having that choice since she hasn't seen me yet but I decide it's better to do this as soon as possible. We've hid the fact that I've been living here for two months so what's adding on the fact that I've been messing around with her father while doing so.

(Although this is a newly added feature but she doesn't need to know that)

I take a deep breath before stepping out from behind the door, watching Jina's face go from surprised to confused to disgusted to angry before turning back towards her father.

"You're fucking my best friend?" she accuses, not completely wrong but semantics.

"Best friend's don't fuck around and get pregnant by their friend's fiancees" I remind her, walking down the stairs in conveniently only Jungkook's shirt making what's going on, or what's starting to go on between us even more clear.

"Oh grow up! It's not like there's anything we can do to change that now can we? Plus looks like you're doing just fine without him" she throws at me and from that moment I'm not pulling any punches. She wants to play dirty? Fine, let's play dirty.

"Jina stop it" Jungkook growls, going on the defensive, not being able to gauge what kind of mindset she's in or even her reasoning for coming here but wanting her out all the same.

"Grow up?" I chuckle dryly, "I guess you're right, I guess maybe I have started growing up since it seems I've matured enough to be with someone like your father. Which, last time I checked, wasn't someone you have any business in questioning on things like his sex life and who he does and does not partake in it with" I say, placing a hand on his bicep possessively and I feel the tension he had once held in his body start to melt away.

Interesting to know that I have this effect on him...

"Come on, we both know that you're probably just a piece of ass to him" she scoffs before turning to address him. "Didn't know you started picking up strays. I wondered where she had ran off to" she says, continuing to disrespect the both of us without a care in the world.

"Don't call her that!" Jungkook says, jaw clenched as a way to keep himself in check.

All I see is red though and the next words I hurl out are ones that I couldn't stop myself from saying even if I tried. The ringing in my ears fanning the flames of my agitation making it impossible to hold back.

"How's life being pregnant with my fucking ex boyfriend's baby? He's probably taking real good care of you huh?" I taunt, cocking a brow at her and from the way the color rushes to her cheeks and the words die in her throat are enough to tell me everything I need to know.

He hasn't done shit for her.

She balls her hands into fists by her side and lunges at me but Jungkook jumps in between us, grabs her by the shoulders and turns her around, forcing her out the front door.

"You're gonna throw me out and choose that slut over your own daughter?" she yells struggling to get out of his grasp the whole way.

"Last time I checked honey the only slut around these parts is you" I throw back, following right behind them and the way her jaw drops is just priceless.

"That's enough! Jina go!" Jungkook says through gritted teeth letting go of her once she's passed the thresh hold, leaving her standing there, looking between the two of us before scoffing and storming off down the driveway.

"I knew you were obsessed with her I just never thought you would bother acting on it" Jina spits out at her father and when she sees that he doesn't flinch she hurls more baseless lies and insults at the both of us.

"You know she's just using you to get a place to stay and get over her ex right? What happened to staying a virgin until you got married y/n? Huh? Guess getting cheated on really fucked you up" she spits while unlocking her car.

"And I guess fucking around with an ego-driven two-timing narcissist gets you pregnant" I throw back and she purses her lips before sinking down in her car, accepting defeat this time and leaving like her father told her to.

"Say hi to Jared for me" I call out, waving at her as she grips the steering wheel until her knuckles have gone white, putting it in drive and backing out of the driveway.

I walk over to the couch and let out a big sigh once I've sat down, throwing my head in my hands as a way to ground myself.

Breathing through this dizzy feeling from that whole confrontation that I had not been prepared for is a lot tougher than I thought it would be, my whole body still buzzing.

I hear Jungkook close the door behind him after having watched her speed down the street, still worried for her safety but also wanting to make sure she was actually gone. What happened just now was enough of a confrontation to last me a lifetime, or at least it feels that way.

"Hey" he whispers, kneeling in front of me and rubbing my back, "Are you okay?" he continues and I nod my head, feeling the tears prickling in my eyes, calling my bluff.

"Come here" he whispers, sitting on the couch next to me and pulling me onto his lap, rubbing my back again and holding me while I let out some of those tears I had held back.

"I don't even know why I crying" I say, sniffling and sitting back up to dry my eyes.

"No one likes getting into fights with someone they used to care about. Well, nobody sane likes getting into fights with someone they used to care about" he says, trying to lighten the mood and it does the trick making me scoff a bit, smiling at his efforts to make me feel better.

He cups my face and wipes a few tears that had fallen, looking at me with his brows pinched together as if his heart is breaking with mine.

"But you still care about her though, don't you?" he asks and I nod my head. "It's hard not to" I admit, getting off his lap and sitting next to him which makes him angle his body to face mine, taking hold of one of my hands, encouraging me to speak my mind.

"She's been my best friend for the past five years. That's not something that can magically be turned off for me. I know what she did to me was devastating and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her for it. I'm still trying to heal from it all so I don't know, I couldn't help but defend myself, and you. I'm sorry you had to see that" I say, mumbling the last part and feeling so much regret for saying those ugly things about his daughter right in front of him.

"Everyone has a right to defend themselves and when you're being attacked like that, you can't help but say hurtful things. She had no right and she knew that and wanted to hurt the both of us anyway" he says and I take a deep breath before turning my attention back to him because she said just as many hurtful things to him as she did to me.

"Are you okay?" I question, tightening my hold on his hand to hopefully encourage him to be vulnerable with me as well.

He nods his head with a sad smile and waits a beat before saying anything and I hold my breath until he does.

"No one wants their daughter to end up in the kind situation she put herself in or see the people that they care about hurting but what she said didn't hurt me" he says and I nod my head, paying attention to his hand that I have placed in my lap, tracing the swirls of ink with my eyes as they travel further up his arm.

"What did hurt me though was the way she was talking about you. You know that's not how I feel about you at all right?" he says, tilting my face up towards him making purposeful eye contact with me, needing to know that I believe him.

"I know" I nod, giving him a sad smile accompanied by my still glossy eyes making him even more sad seeing how upset all of this has made me.

"Can I do anything to make you feel better?" he asks, cupping my face and keeping my eyes on him when I try to turn them away. "No, I'll be okay" I shake my head and he studies my features before nodding and accepting my words at face value.

"Okay, do you wanna go back up to my room? You can sleep in there with me if you'd like" he says, brushing a tear dampened strand of hair out of my face.

I give him a mischievous smile, telling him I know what he's up to but he pulls away and puts his hands up in a way to defend his motives.

"Just sleep, I promise. Scouts honor" he says, crossing his heart and I laugh at his playfully defensive nature. "Sure" I say, taking hold of his hand while he stands up and leads me back to his bedroom.

~~~~

After having talked a little bit more about what had happened the topic of conversation circles back to what we had been in the middle of before she showed up.

"So earlier it seemed like you wanted to ask me a question" I say, taking a sip from my soda that had come with the take out we had ordered hours ago, toying with the straw and keeping his attention.

"Yeah? And do you know what your answer might be to said question?" he teases, wetting his lips and keeping his eyes trained on mine.

"You have to ask the questions first Daddy" I say placing my drink down on his nightstand and when I turn to face him again he's tackling me down on the bed peppering kisses all over me.

"Stoooppp" I giggle and he laughs along with me before leaning back to hover over me. "Will you go out with me?" he asks and I can tell that this whole moment has him feeling like a teenager again.

"I thought you'd never ask" I say, running my fingers through his hair making him lean into my touch.

"You can't take it back though. Once we do this I won't ever let you go" he husks out, placing a kiss on my palm and I shutter at the feeling. "Then don't" I breathe out making a flame of desire flash through his eyes.

"You're gonna get yourself in trouble you know that?" he warns, placing a kiss on my nose before getting off me and turning off the tv. "Hey! I was watching that!" I pout "No you weren't" he chuckles. "Plus it's time to go to bed. We've got a big day ahead of us" he says, getting under the covers and motioning for me to do the same.

"Big day?" I question, not remembering we had something on the agenda this weekend. "I may or may not have planned out our date this morning while you were still in bed Sleeping Beauty" he says, pulling me onto his chest but I sit up pulling away from him with my brows scrunched together.

"How were you so sure I would say yes?" I scoff, shocked by his bold assumption. "From the way I've been making you moan my name I figured you wouldn't mind going on one date with me in return" he says and my jaw drops, throwing the covers off myself and making a break for it but he yanks me back towards him making me flop down on the bed.

"You can't just say things like that" I whine, hands over my eyes as a way to block him out of my vision and hide the very apparent blush that I'm sure is starting to bloom.

"Am I wrong?" he taunts, placing kisses on my neck and collarbone, dangerously close to making me moan his name again.

"You're no fair" I say, pushing him off and giving him my back making him chuckle at my shy behavior. He lays down and pulls me back into him. My back now against his chest and his hand placed on my hip where I'm again reminded that I'm only wearing his shirt and my under ware.

"Keep your hands to yourself Mr." I tease while prying his hand off me. "Come on darling, you know I'm a man of my word. Just sleep, nothing else" he says, this time sliding his hand further up to hold onto my bare waist.

"Fine" I grumble out and he laughs and nuzzles his nose into my neck, taking another deep breath, flooding his senses with my scent.

"Goodnight Bunny" he mumbles against my skin. "Goodnight Daddy I tease and am rewarded with a slap on my ass.

"Did, did you just spank me?" I say trying to wiggle out of his hold but he's already got his arm wrapped around my waist again. "I told you that pretty little mouth of yours was gonna get you into trouble didn't I?" he says, switching to rubbing his hand along the tender flesh he just struck, caressing it in a way to ease the pain.

I pout and settle back into the bed, not dignifying his words with a response. It's only when I accidentally move my hips backwards do I freeze from gaining a soft moan from him, no doubt caught off guard from the contact of my ass up against him.

"Sorry I didn't mean to I-" "I know Bunny, just go to sleep" he says placing a kiss on my neck and holding my hips in place, putting a little more space between us.

As I slow my breathing to a steady one I start to lull myself to sleep but I flinch at the sound of his cute snores in my ear. 'Something I'll have to tease him about in the morning' I giggle to myself and take his hand off my hip, choosing instead to hold it against my chest having him surrounding me. Soon I'm slipping into that dreamland he had drifted off to moments before, safe and warm being in his arms.

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whorediaries-09 · 8 days

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Hi! if you still taking requests I'd love to make another one about the love of my life, James Potter.

I know it might be super cliche but I was thinking about professor! James forgetting his lunch or maybe reader is a sweetheart who brings lunch to him and everyone at Hogwarts it's obsessed with them because they're sooo cute and they're like their cool school parents

Please and thank u, muak right to youuu.

ugghh this is so cute!! i loved writing this one!! i hope you like it!

labyrinth;

pairing- professor!james potter x professor!reader warning(s)- fluff. (let me know if i should add more) a/n- i literally changed a lot but it's low-key similar?? i'm sorry though i hope you understand, my brain could only come up with this.

little train.

' you would break your back to make me break a smile you know how much I hate that everybody just expects me to bounce back '

'good morning students! i hope you've got your models ready for today.' you say, walking into the class. the curtains have been rolled up perfectly by your plethora of eager art students, who chant a good morning, staring at you as your steps fall into the classroom. they know you like to work with the sunlight.

they scramble around their canvases and models, the soles of their shoes rubbing against the newly polished tiles. they look at you with eager faces, waiting for your model to appear. you raise your hands, addressing them.

'okay so this the first class is for realism - which annoys a lot of people over here, i know. but everybody has to pass these few assignments okay? i've to send them for supervision to the higher authorities so that they can ensure i've put on the correct grades according to the quality of the work.'

'because unlike you, they don't care about the creativity,' the political science professor enters the classroom, wearing his dazzling white smile. the students turn their heads, watching him enter the room. among the few students who know both him and you, there's rumbling. and among those who know you, there's questions rising of the cause of the sudden rumbling.

'quieten down kids, no more talking. this is a very important class. you'll learn the basics and the importance of this branch of art. mr. potter,' you look him in the eye. he visibly tones down his raised arms and shoulders, 'i need you to bring me two tools and a canvas.' he nods.

james is sitting directly under the rays of the sun. they are golden, reflecting upon his beautiful dusky brown skin. it hits him in the eye, but he's still, letting you take your sweet time while you explain the theories and the basics of the art.

he likes how patiently you teach them the correct ways and methods while also consoling them by reminding them every other artist has a unique style and shouldn't be bound by some rules. you stay to teaching them the outlines of color theories, which couldn't be modified much when this art style was practiced.

he's also never felt this nervous and giddy. he's usually a very confident man, but within your presence, a few ties of his uptight confidence break, and all hell loses free. he's turns into a puddle right under your piercing gaze, which is unusual for a man like james potter. he would still remember the day you'd asked him to model for you. he'd gone home and giggled into the pillow like a high school high on hormones.

'hi, mr. potter,' you'd whispered behind him. he'd been talking to sirius. he'd been taken aback by your sudden appearance- and sirius' lack of reaction, considering he'd been sitting facing james.

he turned around, and by habit ruffled his already messy hair. he smiled, trying to hide the pleasant shock behind his eyes. he felt his cheeks warming up with the way you looked at him. sliding him a paper cup, you stood, twiddling with your thumbs.

'this is?-'

'chai! masala chai! consider it a bribe for the awkward question i'm about to ask.'

'nothing is awkward james, love. i think you'll be fine.' sirius said. he slipped his fingers within the crook of his jacket that had been hanging on the edge of the chair. he smiled, a mischievous uplift of his lips. 'but just in case,' he said, walking out of the room, leaving you and james alone. james gulped, following his friend's silhouette.

'so...'

'yeah, uhm so i was wondering whether you'd model for me? only if you're comfortable though!' james was sure the red hot blood rush into his cheeks was extremely was visible. he felt his nerves turn mush and stomach flip with giddiness.

'i don't particularly mind it no,' he said. he took the burning cup into his grip, taking a slow sip. he only hoped it wouldn't be too spicy.

'so you're up for it?' you asked. he saw the tension from your back literally lift up, and a glee float in your eyes.

'i am up for it,' he said taking another sip of the tea. 'but you need to tell me why me,' you rubbed the back of your head, laughing nervously.

'uhh... i think you've gorgeously complicated features which would allow me to teach my students with enthusiasm because i teach the best with complicated features. i don't mean it in a harsh way, i also think you're beautiful so...' he nodded letting your words sink into his brain and stop himself from taking you by your neck and press his lips onto yours.

'is it any good? the tea?' you asked, breaking the awkward tension and the lack of his response. you wondered whether you made him uncomfortable with your answer.

'it's perfect. the sweetness and the spiciness.'

it was not.

'okay so carefully outline your vision for the model, and let your brains take over your mind! this has been a boring class i realize but please submit your homework by the deadline so i'll suggest ways for improving your work-'

'-because this is extremely important for your grades students. now the kids over here who are also in my class, i'll deduct grades if you all don't take her words seriously.' james completed for you, cracking his back and rolling his shoulders. the students booed mockingly. one of them, a fiery person too raised her voice,

'you're barely serious in your own classes!' james knitted his eyebrows.

'are you questioning my abilities of teaching?'

'no, i'm not. i'm saying you're not serious in your own lessons sometimes- and you're a pretty much of a goofball yourself.'

'that's fine, i can be a goofball and be a good professor too. ms. grace, please mind your tone, or i'll be obliged to turn into an insufferable old prat.'

'okay come on let's not create an unnecessary drama over here, you have theatres and mr. pettigrew to help with that.' you said, trying to calm down bubbling waters. the students picked up their bags, walking away. yet again, leaving the both of you alone.

james helped you put on your coat. he wondered whether his part was done. he wondered why he cared so much about whether his part was done or not. the question lingered at the tip of his tongue before he spat it out.

'is my work done now?' he asks. you linger, your back faced towards him. he feels a wave of heat from your body crumple over his senses. you turn around, facing him. the remnants of the sun rays surround him, filtering out his outline. there's something in his eyes. a string of vulnerability you've never seen in his eyes. a string of vulnerability he's never felt within his.

'no.' you say. your breath is hot, which falls on his lips. he gulps, noticing how close you are. somehow it feels natural. in your piercing gaze he feels his beating heart stop. it's as if your features are one hell of a drug, reeking him into a spiral of things he's never felt before. your beauty is surreal, captured within his memories and his heart. he wishes he'd capture the way he sees you onto the canvas.

'are you bored of me, james?' you ask. you've never said his name before. it sets his senses on fire, a creeping hotness melting onto his nerves.

'no,' he says. he moves closer, his mouth so close to yours. he wants to touch them, get drunk upon the reminiscent taste he's never tasted before.

'are you sure, james?' you ask, your eyes falling onto his lips. he nods, unable to answer. in your eyes, he sees his portrait in a beauty he's never seen before. his fingers slips into yours, and he feels them.

and he wonders, when your fingers work on the canvas, how you conceive him, how you decipher him. all he's sure of is that he's the most beautiful when you portray him.

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taglist - @reggieisfit @siriuslycaptainofthedawntreader @jamespottergf @eternallybipanicking @fictional-magic @iamgayforyourmom1510

(if you want to be tagged please send a request through my inbox.)

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#q1wjames potter x reader #james potter imagine #james potter smut #james potter fic #james potter fanfiction #marauders #harry potter fanfiction #the marauders #james potter #james #james potter x y/n #marauders era #james potter x you #dead gay wizards #the marauders era

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roach-works · 2 years

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heyo! i just read your reblogs on that post about cis/trans ppl who ship m/m content and was struck by a lot of what you said. up until recently, i have "lived very fully and enthusiastically as a woman," though i've always envied/admired men in fiction and have always gravitated towards exploring men's stories in my work. i am starting to think this is bc i Am A Man but i'm struggling with relating to/understanding my past self, who seemed perfectly fine with being a woman (1/2)

okay, here's my very best piece of advice to cis, trans, or questioning people: you aren't, necessarily, who you were.

do you know the sunk cost fallacy? when you sink a lot of time, money, or ego into something, you get very reluctant to abandon that thing. people stake their reputation on a scam, then can't back down because it would mean admitting they were wrong. people blow their life savings at casinos, because they think that the next bet will validate all their past ones and save them. people with abusive partners want to believe that all the love they spent wasn't in vain.

for all these reasons, examining and potentially discarding fundamental pieces of your identity is very difficult. you put a lot of time into being this one gender. you staked your ego and reputation on it. you had some good times! it felt really worthwhile! but now you're starting to wonder if it is worth it, if it was ever worth it. if you were wrong, if you're stupid, if everyone's going to laugh at you, if there will be anything left if you throw all this time and life and selfhood in the trash.

full disclosure, i was proud to be a woman and i flatly did not want to be a trans man. i knew it would be hard, and i knew the risks were high, and i knew i'd have to eat a lot of shit as everyone in my life said 'wait, but you're a man-hating feminist. how do you square that?' and i would have to say, 'well, i can't square it. some things don't get solved like math problems.' i would have been a cis man in an instant but i was scared to death of having to do all the hard uncomfortable work of transitioning and still potentially just being stuck with this sort of shitty, unpleasant, messed up, mad-science approximation of a male body. i knew it just was not physically possible to turn myself into the man i would have been had i been AMAB, and the idea of settling for a crude facsimile sounded absolutely pathetic.

but like, the other thing about me, is that i have been chronically anxious since i was a little kid, and what i learned from being scared of absolutely everything was that i couldn't let fear stop me or i would live my life underneath a blanket, pissing myself. so by the time i had to face up to the horror and terror of potentially being trans, i had gotten into the habit of simply doing terrifying things anyway, because being terrified wasn't a valid excuse not to at least try it out.

here's the other thing about me! i've got an extreme case of ADHD brainworms and every five or ten years i go do Something Else. i love moving. i love turning into something new.

so what i found was that i absolutely love being consciously engaged in the business of being myself. i like taking hormones that change my body. i like taking medication that changes my mind. i love having my hands on the levers of who i am in this life and cranking them around to see what happens next. i am myself on purpose and it's absolutely exhilarating. i wouldn't trade it for being normal if you paid me.

and so here's the thing about everyone: you can change as soon as you want. right now! immediately!

your past self is just a record of who you were, it's not a prophecy. and before anyone says 'well it's not that easy, change is hard, it takes work and time!', i agree with that too! but that's because changing into something new requires effort for the same reason that moving anything takes effort: it's just inertia. objects at rest stay at rest unless changed. objects in motion continue on that path unless changed.

you will be the same person every day you don't deliberately try something new, and then, there you go, you're changing. i have picked up rocks that were a hundred million years old and thrown them into a pond; nothing about the stillness of the rock was forever or even important. i don't know how many other ways to phrase this but it's very important to me to try to communicate it to as many people as i can.

you can just stop doing something you don't like doing. you can just try something new immediately. you don't need an excuse. you don't need to justify the way you spend your time, the way you've spent it. you can love and cherish your womanhood for twenty seven years and then say 'i think i'm done with this now' and go try something else.

maybe you'll like being a man and find that it suits you much better than being a woman. maybe you won't! either way, you'll have changed, and you can just keep changing for as long as you live, and isn't that so much better than being frozen up with fear?

#i love changing!!! i love being new things #to be trans is to travel and move and recreate yourself #it's extremely fucking cool!! it really is!#trans stuff #advice #long post

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razor-tits · 4 months

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A very long and over due life update.

So, to start this off I guess I need to back up. Let's start in October. It feels like yesterday but also a lifetime ago. Things were...ok I'd say. Boring, routine, the only shake up was my hormones ran out and my job was changing our insurance, so I had to cancel my follow up appointment for bloodwork and a refill. But then I got some bad news from my parents.

My dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital. He was ok, but he needed surgery. First they thought just a stent, but then decided he needed a triple bypass. I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, but we're kind of distant. I live a few hours away and only see them around the holidays but we talk on the phone weekly. My dad can lean a little on the conservative side but both of them are the absolute salt of the earth. They're done so much to help me and I felt powerless to be able to help. I couldn't leave work and felt like there was nothing I could do.

The next couple weeks were rough, my dad was staying in the hospital, my mom was going back and forth staying with him and taking care of my grandma, who is in her late 80's and has a litany of health issues. On a Friday I finally managed to make the drive home and spend the weekend there. Seeing my dad laid up in a hospital gown tied to machines is something i'll never forget. He could get up and move and acted like he was ok. But he's one of those guys you meet and you think he's invincible. The kind of guy that put a new roof on our house with a broken finger and can't turn away a stray animal at the door. Some family members I hadn't seen in a long time came and went over the weekend. Thoughts of our own mortality set in and I realize this could be the last time I see any of them.

I've lost people before. Some of them suddenly and unexpectedly. Others who's death was almost a sigh of relief after fighting for so long. I never got to say goodbye when my friend died and I hope he knows how much he meant to me. I don't want to feel that again, ever.

The day of surgery came. He was in the OR for 3 hours but it felt like an eternity and a second at the same time. A few hours after that my mom and I were able to see him. He was extubated already, which was a good sign. But he was on heavy medication, incoherent, coming in and out of sleep. But he knew I was there and that's all that mattered.

I had to leave and make my way back to my parents to get my dog, and then make the 2 hour drive back to Ohio and go back to work in the morning. At this point I knew my dad would be ok, he just had to get through recovery. But now thoughts of my own health were worrying me. I'm not in the best shape, I don't exercise or work out. I've already had surgery to fix stomach problems. Everyone on my dad's side has heart problems, and everyone on my mom's side has cancer and diabetes. There's not much I do to prevent any of that. I'm in my 30's and I feel it, maybe more than I should.

Over the next couple months my mental health continues to fall. I had a birthday and spent it sick, as I always seem to do. It's always a rough time of year for me. Seasonal depression kicks in, I get older, and another year passes. My dog, my best friend, the reason I kept myself alive, is getting old. I see it more and more every day and it breaks my heart.

The holidays came and went. I saw my grandma for the first time in a few years. Always wondering if it will be the last. Despite that, this year I never felt less in the holiday spirit. I used to love this time of year, now I desperately try to enjoy it, but part of me just wants it to be over. The best part seems to be a few days off work.

At this point it should be noted I have not restarted hormones. My identity has always been more in flux than i've let on, and maybe that needs to be it's own post, but I don't know if I want to start again or not. I don't know what I want, I don't know what my goals are. I don't know who i am. Beyond basic hygiene, I really don't even feel like taking care of myself most days. I pretty much always feel melancholic. I'm not angry, I don't get excited, I don't have much joy. My sex drive is non existent and I have no desire to do...well, anything.

New year's comes and I honestly couldn't care. It feels like another day. My gf and I go out and have an Ok time. I'm just so tired all the time it's hard for me to go out and enjoy myself like I used to.

And then, a couple days ago my landlord calls. We have to move out. Not sure when, but probably soon. I'm heartbroken and panicking over it. We absolutely love our house. We've only been here about a year and a half but it's been wonderful. It has plenty of room, privacy, it's quiet. We can leave our doors unlocked and packages aren't stolen off our porch. We're allowed both of our dogs and all 3 of our cats with no issues. We've invested so much time and money here. My gf is close with the owners and their children, who were the previous tenants. We even thought about trying to buy this house off of them when their other kid moves out of the downstairs apartment. And it's affordable. Anything else like what we have now will cost double and we can't afford that.

Our last apartment was tiny, cramped, dark and ran by an awful property investment company. And now we have to deal with that again. If we can even find a place where we can take 5 animals. We can hide 2 of the cats, but not all of them. We're in no position to buy nor do we have the time to go through the process. My gf said we may have to find 2 different apartments and live separately for a while. Just the thought of that brings me to tears. I can't live without her, I can't live without our pets. We're a family. I don't know what to do.

Since I got the phone call I've done nothing but panic, contact rental agencies and weigh my options. None of them are good. Best case scenario is we move in a smaller, worse place, paying more rent.

Nothing is going right for me. I know this isn't insurmountable and nothing that people haven't gone through before. But...god damn I need a break and I can't get one.

#i just needed to vent #dont reblog

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molsno · 8 months

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hey, sorry if this is out of line, but I'm a "theyfab" (pre-everything guy, waiting for top approval, rly sensitive to hormones so worried about t) dating a transfemme. I want her to feel loved and seen by me - she's also early in transition and I want her to know that me loving her as she is DOESNT mean I won't continue to love her as she grows and changes. She's pretty shy and her only trans girl friends are online. Anyway, I want to learn how to NOT be like the tme people you've interacted with. U can ignore this, but if u do have advice I'd love to hear it!

Also, I'm really sorry about the abuse you've endured. It's not fair. It's not acceptable.

hi, I honestly appreciate you asking for advice! that to me shows that you do really care about her and want to be good to her

I think the most important thing is to keep in mind that she's in an incredibly vulnerable and precarious position. it sounds to me like she doesn't have a big support network. it can be very hard to build something like that as a trans woman (especially early in transition) but it's something that's absolutely vital. a big problem that I think a lot of us face is becoming overly dependent on a tme person (or a few of them) which can be completely devastating if that person leaves. I think the best thing you can do to help her is to encourage her to make more friends of her own. ideally, they should NOT just be your friends that you're introducing her to. she needs to have friends and allies completely separate from you. you cannot do everything for her, nor should you be expecting/expected to - that's a fast way to make sure your relationship falls apart. above all - and this is key - is to understand that you don't own her. she's an independent person, and she deserves to have her own life and make her own choices about it

I feel I should also warn you that this is going to be a very tumultuous time for her. she is literally starting to undergo a second puberty, and it will be just as distressing, hormonal, and emotional as the first one. cut her some slack if she seems irritable or upset for seemingly no reason. for me and a lot of other trans women I know, this was one of the most dysphoria-inducing periods of our lives. it very well might be for her too. it's easy to be upset that the hormones aren't working, or that changes aren't happening fast enough, or that you'll be ugly or not feminine enough, etc. she may express doubts like this. offer her reassurance! it will take time for her to see the changes she wants to see, but they'll come. in the mean time, let her know whenever you notice changes in her. maybe you'll notice her skin is softer, or her hair looks more lush, or her face is rounding out, or her hips are getting wider. let her know that you see these things and compliment her. early transition can very well be a source of joy, if she's able to take pleasure in the little changes, and you can absolutely be a part of that process!

I don't know if your relationship involves sex, and I don't want to make any assumptions about how you two engage in it if so. however, this is a common experience I hear about, so I feel like I should tell you this. don't expect her to have sex with you like a cis man. not only can it be dysphoria-inducing to always have to top, her body will possibly not even be capable of that soon due to the effects of estrogen. if that's how you've been having sex up until now, you'll have to really reorient how you two do things. I haven't read it myself, but I've heard the zine "fucking trans women" by mira bellwether contains a lot of good information on this topic. you may find it useful! I think you can read it at this link, but I'm not sure. if any of my followers have a better link, go ahead and put it in the replies!

finally, and this is honestly just a good tip for relationships in general, listen to her. if she's upset about something, take her seriously and don't pass judgment on her. don't immediately jump on the defensive if she's upset about something you've done in particular. try to put yourself in her shoes and see things from her perspective. show her that she can talk to you about anything and you'll be receptive, and you'll be able to have open, honest communication much more often, which will lead to a much stronger and healthier relationship

thank you for sending this, and thank you for your reassurance about my own trauma as well. it really means a lot to me! it really helps me feel more optimistic to know that there are tme people who are willing to listen to us and be better allies to us. I think your girlfriend is very lucky to have you, and I hope you can both be happy together!

before I go, I know I'm not that knowledgeable about your personal situation, but I would say that if you think testosterone would make you happier, you should pursue it! if you can obtain it, there's nothing wrong with taking it for a week or two, seeing how it makes you feel, and then deciding whether or not to keep taking it based on that. either way, I wish you the best!

#ask #Anonymous

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chubbening · 6 months

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h-hey, I saw you are a trans female feedee and wanted to know... what's that like? With every passing week i'm more sure i'm trans and I'd love to gain some weight when i'm on hrt. So talking to someone who went through that would really help!

Hi there :)

So I am going to answer your question, but I always feel the need to preempt this things with some important points. Mainly, I can only speak on my personal experience as a feedee/gainer on feminizing HRT. If this is a topic you really want to dig into, I encourage you to get some different perspectives--maybe from some of the other gorgeous trans gals I'm always reblogging! My experience is not theirs, and it will not be yours. Everyone's path and results will vary, with the gaining, with the hormones, with the self-love.

All that said, this transformative experience has been incredible. I had wanted to gain weight lots of times over the years, both before and after I knew I was trans, before and after coming out, and before and after starting HRT. I kept holding back though because I didn't think I'd actually look good with more weight--because I hated my body as it was, so I wasn't able to gain from a place of self-love, which I think is so important. I think I was also restricting my eating as a way to exercise control over a body that had been shaped mainly by things outside of my control. Like, if I couldn't look like what I found attractive, I'd at least look conventionally attractive to other people.

HRT is the best health decision I've made in my life, and what I love most about it isn't even how it's changing my body (stick with me, we'll get there). My results are not universal, but within 24 hours of starting estradiol and spironolactone, I felt better. I felt more awake and in-tune with everything around me, it made my intrusive thoughts and bad days more manageable, it made the world a brighter place for me. It got rid of urges and desires I think would be too heavy for me to get into here, but you can probably guess.

I found that I could love myself, could love my body, which made me finally take the steps I wanted to change it. The hormones do their own work, of course, and I've been lucky on many fronts with that. My tits ain't stopping, my ass (which was already pretty good "for a guy") isn't either. The weight is going mostly where I like it, and the skin softening has helped with that too.

And here's the amazing thing, and why I think the self-love is so important out the gate. I'm not getting my "ideal" body. This isn't the body I used to fantasize about having. My hips are decent, but will probably never be where I want them relative to the rest of me.

But that's okay. It's okay! Before HRT, I didn't think I could accept anything less than total control sculpting my ideal body. Now, I get excited by every little change.

Like my face. I had the stereotypical face dysphoria thing where it just felt off looking at myself in the mirror. Uncanny, like that wasn't me, like it was just the mask of a suit the real me was wearing 24/7. The HRT changed that, probably a combination of fixing (some of) my brain chemistry and the physical changes to my face. Now, with gaining weight, my face is still changing, rounding out, but it still feels like me. It still looks like me.

Okay, after taking a lil break from writing this, I realize I could go on and on even more. (we didn't even get into how all this has healed my relationship to food!) If you have more specific questions, feel free to drop em. (And ask other trans femmes who are open to that!)

And if this is the way you decide to go, allow me to welcome you to the feeder-guy-to-feedee-girl pipeline. You'll have lots of company ;)

Always remember, make your decisions out of love for yourself, all bodies are beautiful, if you want to be trans you can just be trans.

#me #ask #trans #long post

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whentherewerebicycles · 6 months

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okay. i promised myself i would do some long reflective journaling to sort through some Big Feelings and I keep kicking the can down the road because idk sometimes you don't want to sort through the Big Feelings in case you don't like what you find there. but I have a morning of uninterrupted time and I am in a good headspace and I think I will just write through some stuff under the cut.

it sure looks like i might be having a baby next summer, which means that things are moving out of the hypothetical realm and into the realm of being Very Real. so i am experiencing the expected levels of "oh shit oh shit oh shit i am about to be responsible for a living being???" that i imagine all prospective parents experience. more than that, though, i think i am having to confront the reality of single parenthood in a more emotional way than i was expecting! and this is partly because it might be about to become real for me, but also because some people i love very much who are very close to me are pregnant now too, and i am watching them live an experience of pregnancy that is very different from the one i've had thus far and much closer to the socially "normal" path. and i think that is surfacing some unexamined and semi-unexpected feelings of grief/loss for me as well as a complicated mix of horrible bridge troll jealousy feelings. i want to write through some of that so i can get a better handle on what i'm feeling instead of letting the big emotions unexpectedly avalanche over me at random times.

let me think first about my own experience of getting pregnant.

I'm glad I am pregnant and I am extra, extra grateful that things are going well thus far after experiencing a pregnancy loss this summer that kind of turned me inside out for a while. I also know that despite how excruciatingly drawn-out this process has felt, I was able to get pregnant a lot faster/easier than many people are and I don't take that for granted. but man oh man I think getting pregnant via assisted reproduction can really fuck with your head and heart in ways I wasn't anticipating when I started this process a little over a year ago. everything is so intensely medicalized. my life has just been going to appointments and getting ultrasounds and having blood drawn and giving myself hormone shots and undergoing painful medical procedures and healing from an emergency surgery and reading medical journals and swallowing pills and recording symptoms in a tracking journal. I don't feel like I've spent this year preparing for and then actively trying to conceive a child; i feel like I've spent this year receiving intensive treatment for a medical condition (not being pregnant) that requires obsessive anxious monitoring and might be rooted in some deeper flaw or failing in my body. almost no part of this experience has felt private, intimate, precious, spontaneous, joyful, sacred, sexy, or fun in any way. it's all felt mediated by doctors and by an incredibly expensive industry that jacks up the prices knowing most people going this route don't have an alternative (because they're gay or they're single or they have medical conditions that impact their ability to conceive naturally). and the ectopic pregnancy just like intensified and heightened all of that, because all of a sudden i DID have a life-threatening medical condition and all that obsessive monitoring WAS justified and my body HAD fucked up, and everyone afterwards spent a lot of time warning me i'd need to subject myself to even closer monitoring next time because i was at increased risk of it happening again.

idk man it's just been a lot!!!!!! and i think that even though early on I was like "i'm going to try to carve out some part of this experience that can be just mine, separate from the medical aspects of assisted conception," i just kind of failed at doing that. i don't think it's my "fault" or whatever, because idk, there's a lot of cultural pressure to medicalize and pathologize and turn our bodies over to doctors or whatever, and it's hard to swim against the current, especially when you are stressed and spending a lot of money and willing to do whatever an expert tells you to do if it'll get you the thing you want so badly. so i don't blame myself but i also have to acknowledge that i haven't had a very positive experience of trying to get pregnant and i think that the single precious, sacred moment of this whole entire year was when that very kind very gruff tech let me watch the heartbeat on the ultrasound right before the surgery and then went to get warm blankets from the dryer to wrap me in. and maybe also the night that my mom and i had the little burial in the woods. that was it, those were the only sacred moments, and they were moments of deep and wrenching grief, not of joy. even finding out i was pregnant again only a few months after the loss wasn't really a moment of uncomplicated joy, because i was so immediately consumed by anxiety and so instantly sucked back into the vortex of endless medical monitoring. so idk i think i have some unresolved grief around the experience of trying to conceive/early pregnancy i got compared to the one i might've hoped for.

when i found out my SIL was pregnant, in the immediate aftermath of my own loss and on the same timeline i would've been on, i just spent a long time feeling like the most horrible bridge troll version of myself i could possibly imagine. i was just eaten up inside with jealousy and it wasn't just that she was having a joyful, healthy, uncomplicated experience of pregnancy while i was healing from a very raw and painful loss. it was also this feeling that like, she was supposed to be pregnant, she was expected to be pregnant, and the whole world was smiling joyfully upon her pregnancy, and everything was unfolding smoothly for her in ways that it hadn't for me. they're young, they're married, they own a house, they have two good incomes and will easily be able to support a family, she's thin and blond and very pretty, and (while i don't know this for sure) it seemed like they got pregnant for free on almost the first attempt, on the exact schedule they'd decided they wanted to have their first baby. and idk just watching my parents excitedly prepare for their first grandkid and make all these plans for how they'd be involved and coming out to tour fancy daycares with them just sucked! you can be so happy and excited for someone you love and also you can feel like the bitterest, ugliest, most horrid little bridge troll inside. i just felt like, i'm going it alone, i'm older and i have fertility issues that might make it impossible for me to do this, i make less money, i'll never own a house, i don't have a partner, blah blah blah, and even though most of those things are choices i've made about the type of life i want to live, it just felt like... idk. i was just eaten up inside by jealousy!!!! like i know nothing about their experience of trying to conceive or what her experience of pregnancy has been like so far, but my ugly inner troll voice was like, why was it so easy for them and hard for me, why did i have to pour $15,000+ into this process, why did they get to have fun joyful let's-create-a-future-together sex while i had to go to a doctor every other week to get stuck with needles and prodded with ultrasound wands and have an insanely painful cramp-inducing dye injected into my fallopian tubes, and why, WHY did our babies conceived at almost exactly the same time have such different fates.

i mean the answer is just like, this is the world we live in! this is the reality of being a queer person and an unpartnered person who wants a family! these are the life choices we make! this is the randomness of conception outcomes and a healthy dose of plain bad luck! but it was hard (and is hard) to not internalize the differences as like, something is Wrong With Me and something is Right With Them. and i think on the most basic level i was just jealous of their shared joy, and was feeling the ache of, i'm in this by myself, i have to weather this loss by myself, i am the only person who cares about this as deeply as i do. and of course that wasn't wholly true, of course i had my mom and my sister and my closest friends who grieved with me and took such good care of me, but idk. i think it stirred up some feelings about being unpartnered for me that i hadn't really examined all that closely before.

and i think... like... i think that is probably the other big piece that i am going to have to spend time grappling with, maybe for a long time, maybe for the rest of my life! with my students, we often talk about the idea of animating questions, like the big preoccupations you find yourself wrestling with again and again, these questions that won't ever be resolved because they don't have a simple or straightforward answer. they are questions you don't ever answer once and for all, but wrestling with them over the years is what gives shape and meaning to your life as a person on a quest for purpose, for clarity, for deeper understanding. i am carving out a life path for myself that looks different from most of the people around me and i think that sometimes i really really wrestle with the question of, like, does this path represent a failure or a choice? and if i have chosen this path have i made that choice out of cowardice or from a place of strength?

i still have to untangle what i mean here or what i feel around this, but i think like... i don't know... i don't really crave partnership, i don't feel its absence in my adult life, i have cared deeply about past romantic partners as people but i have always felt immensely relieved when relationships end because i get my own space & life back, and i feel like almost all of my human emotional needs for connection are met through my friendships and my work. i like sex and i like the idea of a live-in best friend but i also feel pretty sure that modern dating on the apps is not the avenue through which i would find that person and i don't really know of other ways to go about building relationships like that at this stage in my life. but idk man the cultural PRESSURE you feel to do the expected life path thing is immense!!!! and i think that while most of the time i'm able to set that pressure aside and just live my life, the decision to have a child on my own suddenly reignites all of those uncertainties and some of that shame around like, why isn't this a thing i want, does it mean i am emotionally stunted in some way, will it impact my ability to parent well, blah blah blah.

i suspect i will spend a LOT of time in this next chapter of my life trying to untangle those feelings, so i am not going to put too much pressure on it now!! i just want to begin naming them so they aren't just like, swirling around in the back of my mind seeping into everything. i think what i can say definitively right now is this:

i have never felt a strong impulse towards or yearning for romantic partnership, and thinking about dating mostly just makes me feel tired and like i would be doing it for other people, not for myself. if i really think about it, i can imagine myself in a shared partnership with someone who shares my interests and values and sense of humor, but i truly can't imagine getting there through hinge or bumble or whatever. maybe that is where the sense of tiredness comes from when i think about dating, lol.

that said... i HAVE, for a very long time, felt a very strong impulse towards becoming a parent. i feel nervous about this (money! time! blowing up your life! being responsible for a small person!) but i feel no ambivalence towards it, you know? i want to be a parent and i think i'll be good at being a parent (i mean i am sure i will also feel like i am a Very Bad Parent for much of the time as that seems to be a feature of parenting, but on the whole i feel confident in my ability to provide the love and stability and structure necessary to raise a reasonably happy, well-adjusted kid). i have never been able to imagine a life where i do not become a parent by some route and i feel a deep, wrenching sadness when i imagine a life where i don't raise a family.

i think the sense of total clarity and joy i feel around the choice to parent vs. the profound ambivalence i feel around the idea of dating signals something important! but it is just challenging, you know, to carve out a life for yourself that goes a little or a lot against the grain of what other people's lives look like and what people think would make you happy. i know i am very VERY lucky that over the past five-ish years my parents have gone from being extremely skeptical or worried about my life path to 10000000% supportive and on board and ready to help me make it work. but i also just think i gotta wrestle with the cultural demons in my own head/heart you know!! i am going to have to work hard to get to the point where i feel really secure in my choices!! i know that the horrid bridge troll feelings about other people conceiving easily in the context of happy marriages are normal and okay to feel - it's just human to wish that your own journey was easier, simpler, cheaper, less painful. but i also think that, as liz says all the time, security (in yourself and in your choices) is a gift you give to yourself and everyone around you. i might not be there yet, but i want to work hard to get to a point where i am so secure in the choices i have made that i can experience other people's experiences and choices as simply theirs, not as a reflection or a shaming judgment on mine. i want to be able to say, i am so happy for you, and i am also so happy for me, because we have both worked hard to create the lives we needed and wanted for ourselves, and now we get to live in them. I want to know with total certainty that I, not other people, get to decide what my life means.

but also.... i want to think of this journey not just in terms of Struggling to Make Peace With My Choices but also in terms of like... sometimes taking a different path can produce unexpected joys that people on the regular path won't get to experience. for instance, i can already tell that my mom and my sister are going to be incredibly involved in raising my kid, and that my parents are going to feel an extra sense of responsibility to provide my child with a life that is incredibly rich and full of love. so i am going to have a life that is rich in family relationships, maybe richer than it would've been if i was part of a traditional nuclear family unit. i am going to have to learn to depend on and lean on other people in wholly new ways, which will challenge me (a person who tends towards insularity and independence) to really stretch and grow. i am also going to get to have a different experience of parenting in the home! i am going to have to learn to work things out with my kid without another adult there to help mediate conflicts. we are going to have to figure out how to be a good, functioning team because we are going to have to share responsibility differently than in a two-parent household. and i hope that through this experience i also get to meet and talk with other single parents (something tumblr has already allowed me to start doing!), and i get to develop a deeper, richer understanding of alternative family structures and life paths that don't look like other people's.

i want to be honest: there is some real grief there! i have chosen a life that is different than the one i hazily imagined for myself as a younger person... and already that has meant that i've had a very different experience of trying to conceive/being pregnant than the people closest to me, which has sometimes felt very painful and lonely. and i imagine that as i navigate parenting i will have to keep grappling with the grief of like, living in a culture where it's not "normal" to parent alone, where other people will judge the choices i make, and where i will be missing out on some of the joys of shared childraising i see other people around me experiencing. but i don't know i guess i just have faith in my ability to make meaning out of my life, and i think that the grief will be counterbalanced by joys i'm not able to anticipate from this vantage point because i haven't lived them yet.

and also if i stop for a second and think: would i rather not go down this path at all? the answer comes back to me so clearly and so immediately. of course not. i want you so badly, little seahorse. i'm so ready for you to come into my life. i'm ready to shed my old self, my old life, and become somebody wholly new, in a wholly new relationship with a wholly new human being. hey! i love you! come here and be my baby!

#iui tag #parenting tag #feeeeeelings #personal #mw #i feel a lot better journaling cures almost everything #and thank you to everyone who has been v kind to me over the past few months. <33333

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uncle-fruity · 9 months

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Here's something from my brain:

Telling transmascs they shouldn't go on T because they'll "become ugly" is still rooted in patriarchal ideals & expectations. It's why every TERF is hard to take seriously when they insist they're trying to fight sexism.

What's the ugly part? The body hair? The balding? The deepening voice? The potential for weight/muscle gain?

So, by that standard, cis women with body hair, cis women who are balding, cis women who gain weight and/or muscles, and cis women with deeper-than-average voices are, BY TERF'S OWN LOGIC, ugly.

Oh? Do you think that all women are meant to be frail? Thin? Hairless bodies? Thick head of hair? Wispy "feminine" voices? What are you trying to say about how women's bodies are supposed to be? Do you think ALL women have the same body type? The same standards of beauty? Is beauty every woman's top priority? Should it be?

You know who else freaks out about "manish" women? Basically, all the people who think women are objects to be seen & not heard. All the people who think women are their sexual playthings and little more. It's a trope throughout literature & media to paint strong, outspoken women as manish & undesirable. A trope that TERFs seem happy to exploit for their own ideals. Because if they want to prescribe womanhood onto us, they must also accept that they are unhappy with the way we are living through our womanhood, and think it's reasonable to control and legislate our bodies based on their personal belief about how women should behave & think.

Being a woman is not about how pretty you are. It isn't about what you owe to the people who would rather you shut up and be demure. And for TERFs to use these insecurities that the patriarchy instills in young girls to dissuade them from making choices for themselves is honestly a disgusting tactic.

I don't even care if you (wrongly) connect biology to gender. If someone looks at me, a trans guy with ~2 years of hormone treatments under my belt, and decides that I'm an ugly woman based on the vagina they're assuming I have and probably the tits that I definitely still have, fine. Maybe it's the nonbinary in me, but if you wanna purposefully (incorrectly) call me a woman, then that shitty decision is yours to make. Now, ask yourself.... why are you mad that a woman (by your own standards) is choosing something for her own body?

These are the same people who get mad when trans guys claim historical figures like Dr. James Barry as one of our own. There's no way to tell how he'd identify if he was using modern language to describe himself without resurrecting him and asking directly. But, in the end, whether he was a woman seeking to break through barriers of sexism or whether he was a trans man in a time before we would have called him that, he chose to live a life that is similar to the one many transmascs choose for themselves. He expressed himself in a way that is familiar to transmascs. And I have no doubt that these fucko TERFs would try to belittle and tear him down just the same as they do any of us. In fact, it was a woman who undressed him against his will after he died and exposed him as a "woman" postmortem. We can't say for sure if she'd identify as a TERF if she were using modern language to describe herself without resurrecting her and asking directly, but we can safely say that she's not the kind of person I'd like to know either way. Her mother should have taught her about consent.

If I was a woman trying to escape the patriarchy by transitioning (a common, completely stupid ass take btw since everyone who isn't at the very top of the power chain is a victim of the patriarchy (among other things)), would you mock me? Admire me? Sympathize with me? Tell me I'm delusional? Call me ugly? Tell me I should think more about my ability to bear children with my womb? Would you join me in trying to escape oppression? Would you hate me for trying? Have you decided that men are the enemy, and therefore I've betrayed my sisters in a war I reject wholeheartedly? Would you hold me down? Get your friends to beat me up? Tell me I deserve the violence in my life? Undress my dead body? Tell me I'm crazy? Force me to put on a dress? Force me to shave? Tell me to brighten my voice? Tell me it's a shame I've destroyed my feminine smile? Would you dare try to drag me back to the patriarchal depths like crabs in a barrel?

At the end of the day, it's all about telling people how they should live their life. How they should look, which beauty standards they should care about, which roles they should identify with, who they should be beholden to... And if those people disagree, maybe they're just hysterical mentally ill or being manipulated. Lock 'em in a room with some yellow wallpaper to keep it cheery until they change their minds!

Do you see? The parallels? How, even if we accept that your fake science is actually real science, and claim womanhood based on our vaginas and tits and ability to sometimes bear children, you are still denying us agency by taking away the right to express our gender however we choose. If I'm a woman who looks like a man, or who acts like a man, why is that a problem for you? Why do these gender barriers matter to you? Don't you see that in taking control of gender, we defang a critical branch of the patriarchy?

Sexist ass cult mindset, -10/10.

#patriarchy #transgender #gender #queer #psa #important #transmasc #trans men #hrt #dr james barry

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cryptidfuckery · 1 year

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Your old social media was literally my first ever introduction to anyone identifying beyond the gender binary. In 2014, I was watching youtube videos in the small UK city I grew up in, and your videos were recommended. And I felt instant recognition when you talked about gender things, because I'm non-binary and I'd never heard of anyone identifying or expressing themselves that way when I was younger. You were the LGBT+ elder that I really appreciated advice from. (Even if you are only a few years older than me, you seemed much wiser). So I just wanted to say thank you for being your out and authentic self for so many years. Wishing you a good week. P.S. if you like cute animals, I highly recommend looking up photos of bog turtles, they definitely made my week better.

I'm really, really glad that I was able to help you!!

This definitely isn't the first time I've heard this. Notably, when I was at an anime convention years ago during that time, I had someone approach me and say essentially the same thing and also cry. Wonderful experience, also a fucking wild experience!!

It's one of the things I'm proudest of my younger self for. I was lucky enough to learn through my close friends at the time, but I definitely saw that there just. Wasn't enough information readily available for the people who might be interested. So I dug my heels in and allowed myself to be a resource, because it was important. Most of what I was doing was regurgitating what I was learning from my own elders and community, but it was important for people to have a face to the idea. Someone they could talk to and be validated by.

That was either around or over 10 years ago now. I've identified as genderqueer for over 10 years. I sometimes think about an the people who might have a similar time line just for the sake that I talked about it openly.

That time also helped me realize that I didn't want to go into activism full time. I love it, its important, but it made me realize that it would take too much out of me. Maybe I was able to handle it better because I was still being supported by family, and my only obligation (that I shirked a hell of a lot of) was highschool.

That doesn't mean I Completely stopped though. I'm one of those people you can make the joke "they'll trans your gender." I have a joke that the only people who don't end up more trans by the end of dating me are Very cis men. (I have a theory that the people who do end up "more trans" are attracted to the androgy for a reason, whether they realize or not).

I like to think it's because I know what questions to ask, not to push too hard, but more than anything, let them describe how they're feeling about their gender/sexuality with no judgements. Letting them explore it in a safe space. So my activism kind of happens there.

But more than that, I'm a hairdresser that caters toward queer/trans/gay people. That's where I feel I actually do my activism.

And I'll be real with you, I'm not out to all my clients. I work in a mixed bag neighborhood (old conservatives, young liberals, EVERYTHING inbetween) so half of that is keeping myself safe. The other half is not wanting to put extra work on myself trying to fight to explain my identify to someone who 1) doesn't actually care and 2) most likely won't actually hear a thing i say. I talk to the clients that bring it up, and come out to them if they ask. I'm not necessarily tight lipped about my queerness, but like all of us, at know how to illude without specifics. I let my clients decide their comfort level.

But my TRANS CLIENTS. They are SO important to me. I'm able to surround myself with the people I love, who I can crack a gender joke at and know I'll get a laugh. People I can really talk to about dysphoria, about hormones, about surgeries, about relationships, about sex, about family, about friends, about life in a way I don't get to with my other clients.

Even more important than that, I can make a huge step in their transition that much easier. I had a good amount of freshly cracked eggs find me after quarantine/the pandemic (it's not over). As we all know, it was a huge self reflection time. But I got to be there to be the first to validate their gender through their hair. That in itself can be an extremely nerve wracking process. My trans clients coming to me have allowed me to figure out the best way to naviagte the situation in a way where they feel comfortable and validated. It means the world to me. Seriously.

This is where I feel I actually do my activism. It's not explaining what gender is, it's not explaining pronouns. It's getting to assure someone they're on the right path. That what they're doing is good, and it's happy, and there's someone who's proud of them for going through the hard, hard process. I have people I've now been seeing for years who I've gotten to support through hormone changes, through identity changes, through relationship changes.

But one of the things I really try to stress is that being trans, while it absolutely has it's difficulty, it's supposed to be joyous. It's supposed to be the joy of being who you feel you really are. The joy of being loved for who you are. The joy of loving as you are. The joy of being loved by your community. The joy of loving life. Being trans is the joy of love, and the constant readmission that you love yourself more than anyone else can take away.

I cried a little bit writing that ngl.

Last thing I wanna say is that if I did happen to touch your life in a way that helped you become more fully realized, pass on the favor. The next time you have a friend or loved one you're getting the signals from, ask the questions. Be patient with them. Let them change their answers. Nudge but don't shove. Crack a joke. Meet them where they are.

Do it with love.

#making my OWN DAMN SELF cry before work #this stuff is still. really important to me #this got really long but if you've been here for a while you know me. this shit gets long

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imzsuzsis-blog · 13 days

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The last time I saw Lando was a few days ago, even after the tennis final, a blond-haired whore didn't get off him, but in the end, in a strange way, Holge told him to leave him alone, he's probably going home now, just as he'll have time to pack his stuff and take the dog, and then he'll go train for the race. Well, I think the roommate stopped there to say that it was a dog, and so did I. "Where did he get it from?" "Guards took in the beauty from a shelter." ,,Beauty? A girl? Damn, didn't he have enough Uno? Now he has another one pulled up next to him, I'm talking to him. don't send him anywhere just friends. I don't know what's wrong with him in Melbourne, he even took a pregnancy test and told me that he might be pregnant because he missed it." "Kids, stop, there's worse! By the way, hello, mother will cut off him ears and eardrums for this." ,,Cic hello! He's crazy since he says he's pregnant." ,.He says so? He's really pregnant, he seems to be taking a minimum, he's trying to cover up what he told Max and Pietra, Max's reaction I'd rather drive your sports car before the fetus gets hurt, even though he already knew Pietra froze, I was there Callum couldn't bear to spit and swallow, he just blinked when he found out that the boys they can also be pregnant."

"What the hell??? I got my ears pierced???? Where do you get this from again????” I looked at the secret chat group on my cell phone and it was full of people arguing about it, sometimes jokingly, sometimes seriously, the older ones seriously, how to take it out, it doesn't look good, the ones my age are jokingly, it's very good. Only I knew the answer to this, I took a photo and wrote it down, it's a fucking pimple that grew in the wrong place, stop it, it hurts and it's big, and this fucking breast is embarrassing, that's why I'm constantly wearing a fish tank because it's bothering me. "Honey, why are you angry? That's when you're cute, right?" Loki lay next to me and caressed my upper arm, then he lay on his side and looked at me. "There's gas, everyone's focused on my hormonal acne and they think I've pierced my ears." "Are these normal? Who was?" My sister, "Well, if it was meant as a joke, it wasn't a good joke." I lowered my head and asked Loki for a sad kiss, which came in handy as the twins were very fond of each other, but one of them resisted. When Doctor Yin told me, I burst into tears, I'm not a big cryer, but we really expected them to be sick, but they felt this was a trick and that's all I told Max, he didn't take it well last time.

"Well, it's getting weirder, it's not a pimple, it's a piercing." I hung up the phone after I wrote back so that he could finally do the truth about this shit, because he sure did. em acne because I had it too, I don't even admit it, it's fucking embarrassing and sometimes it hurts, this is how life has to be put up with. "Oscar, what's wrong? I know you shouldn't tell your girlfriend everything, but I can tell you everything." "What the hell is this?" I looked at my picture, it looked like a small tattoo that one's child plays pranks on after a drunken night. "I think an embarrassing tattoo that you can get drunk on guys is the slut tattoo." "Maybe this will be fucking new to you, but Lando is pregnant, you American bastard!!!! This isn't the series How I Met Your mother, you stupid person."

,,What??? They're getting dumber. Loki You have to see this.” I admit, yes, I have a bitch tattoo, but I did it last year on New Year's Eve, drunk in Bali, not exactly legally, and sometimes it can hurt during the day, and I also have a navel piercing. I was sixteen when I did this out of rebellion with a group of friends, so I don't keep in touch with any of them anymore, they became exterminating jerks when it turned out that I was gay. That I'm smitten with the ex of the mistress, who is a boy and right, we went to an art history and finally got together. Berdon is my first boyfriend. and the first boyfriend I told that I love him, so far I told a boy named Alex. It all ended badly, it was written in the lyrics when I heard the first one from him, I could sob for hours, but I wasn't the stupid one as it is, he was because he cheated on me with another boy.

I caressed Lando, it was very nice the last few days, especially the girl, what's in him ear? He thinks the girl talked to him, a fucking bitch, even a WAG, and it would be shit, the dog and mine, I don't understand what's the trial lesson in chat, it's secret I'm in the WAG chat and the problem is how big I wrote that my daughter and a beauty should be called I'm hoping for a baby... The air here is also freezing, a lot of questions from who is pregnant... I wrote from Lando Ollie Bearmann... Freezing... But Lando boy questions... Answer In one word, he's not intersex and he told me he'd already given birth and ended up in a bad place because of him father... Anger...He was still a teenager then but he could have done it but him father wouldn't let him, now he's an adult he feels he can do it and leaves him alone and he wouldn't want him there it would be only the mother when the little one was born. ,,I'm trying to stop here too, but Kelly..." I kissed him hair and sniffed the poor thing because it was more and more obvious that he was pregnant, but it didn't bother the cameras, and the fact that he's with a boy instead of a girl, which freaks out the girl fans even more, is lately, the poor thing just cries, I can hardly comfort him, I even brought my dog beauty to make him happier, but not as often as he goes out on the street, the paparazzis are screaming after him, where is the beautiful girl Norris. "It doesn't work for me, I prefer to cover myself and myself on the weekend. This is not a situation. I always knew that I loved boys and not girls. It's bullshit what they write about me."

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notherdeadrobin · 4 months

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20 Questions for Fic Writers!

Tagged by @itsfirecat and @thesandsofelsweyr (tagged me via @thejasonandsladeagenda)

How many works do you have on AO3? 58!

What’s your total A03 word count? 257,825

What fandoms do you write for? Uhhhh DC and DC and DC lol

What are your top five fics by kudos?

✧ By Any Other Name (my first fic!) 1,056 Kudos ✧

This started from a short and sweet idea of "what happens when Jason realizes he uses the same nickname for Slade and Bruce?" I thought it'd be a dirty crack-fic one-shot, but now it's turning into an actual JaySlade getting together story, featuring some batfam feels, too. Also, Slade ambushes Jason on a rooftop and turns him into a hot mess, so that's pretty great too.

✧ Warmth 729 Kudos ✧

When Batman sliced Jason's neck open and left him for dead, Slade Wilson pulled him from the wreckage to patch up Jason's injury and his life. Jason doesn't understand why Deathstroke even bothers with him, but he's going to enjoy someone giving a damn about him while it lasts. He just wants to belong to a pack again.

✧ The Last Cookie 568 Kudos ✧

In the background of the Wayne Family Adventures webcomic, Jason Todd is hooking up with Slade Wilson. It's fact. Their growing relationship is all there in the subtext (if you squint hard enough, and make some wild guesses), and this fic illuminates the details of the story unfolding right under the Wayne Family's noses. Aka the fic where the Lazarus Pit left Jason stuck with raging hormones, and Slade's the only one who can satisfy him

✧ Two Raging Fires Meet 551 Kudos ✧

Slade takes Jason on one of his jobs to get them away from the overbearing bats. All is well for awhile, but then Slade does a classically terrible job of handling his feelings, forcing Jason to remind Slade that he's a badass vigilante who doesn't need Slade to be his keeper. Featuring Jason being soft, smart, and capable - Slade being a bit of a dumbass - and sex

✧ Parking 550 Kudos ✧

When Batman catches Jason stealing the tires off the Batmobile, Jason tries to make it up to him in the only way he knows how, but Batman isn't biting

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I have so many unreplied to comments right now and I'm so so sorry about that. I go on spurts where I'll get the number down lower, and then it'll get out of control again. I think responding is important because I know how much it means to me when people comment on my fic, and I don't want them to feel like their lovely words are going unread and unappreciated <3

What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I don't think anything I've written would qualify for an angsty ending lol, but I rather like this one, and it's more bittersweet, at least? Living in the Moment

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Sanctuary has the softest ending (it's also one of my personal favorites ^.^)

Do you get hate on your fic? Not really, no. Or, not that I've seen, anyway/

Do you write smut? Alllll the time. SO much smut. Everywhere. 4 of those top 5 are E-rated. I think I write too much smut tbh lmaooo

Do you write crossovers? I've written two! Crossovers aren't really a default thought of mine, though.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Man, I hope not

Have you ever had a fic translated? Nah. Someone did ask me, once, and I was honored to be asked, but I have weird feelings about my fic being out there on an account I have no control over.

Have you ever co-written a fic? Nah, though I'd like to give it a try ^.^ so many talented writer friends

What‘s your all-time favourite ship? Oh geez...so hard to say... I guess Jason Todd/Slade Wilson XD

What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Aha the first series I ever started, but that's mainly because it's not meant to be a completed storyline, more so slices of life together. I have like, at least 10 ideas for future fics for that one.

What’s your writing strengths? I think I'm good at emotional smut, and a commenter called me "witty" recently, so that too? I'd like to be witty

What’s your writing weaknesses? finishing WIPs. Though I've already decided in advance that this next year is about finishing things. I won't let myself get distracted by prompt events or BINGO cards. I'll be all about adding more to the series I've started (hopefully finishing a couple), finishing longfics, and also working on bigger ideas that I've let fall to the wayside.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I think it's fine if it's done well and respectfully. And it is useful in situations where you want the reader to be able to translate something if they want, but you still don't want the POV Character to know what's being said.

First fandom you wrote for? Harry Potter. If anyone out there used to be in the group of people who wrote Marauders Era Fanfic with OFC/Sirius Black on Quizazz (now quotev) over a decade ago, hmu

Favourite fic you’ve ever written? Last time I picked something else.... but I'm watching Bridgerton rn so I'll have to go with Moonlight Symphony <3

#anotherDeadRobin #ao3 writer #questions #ao3 link #ao3 stuff #fanfic

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psshaw · 2 years

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Got some interesting anons while I was hiking on vaycay. I've been thinking about how to answer these for awhile.

Content warn for detransitioner coping. Also me rambling at varying levels of tact. Obvs I'd appreciate any trans or detrans people who have something to correct or add to help this person.

Hi. So. 2 things you’re doing here that I think both cis and trans people mess up at all the time, especially when they're stressed.

One: Listening to other people more than yourself. Two: Looking for other things to blame in a way that stops you from learning from your own choices.

I think I understand some of what you experienced, but the conclusions you’re drawing feel distorted and self-serving. It feels like you jumped from one prescriptive view (girls have to be boys in order to like certain things or talk to certain people) to another prescriptive view (masculinity is something you have to earn and perform in a certain way).

Anyone who critiques what you do or how you present yourself for not fitting a certain term has more in common with a 50s martini dad than they do with a walk-the-walk humanitarian. Personally, I am not interested in defining masculinity (or femininity, which I notice you didn’t claim to also have prereqs for)— I know some soft-ass bitch men who are still men. Standards for gender are arbitrary location- and time-specific rules. They’re also weapons we use to fuck with each other. Imo calling someone un-[gender] is kinda like telling a western teen with an ED that they’re not skinny enough: it's not helping anyone's health or peace of mind. The only point is to feel superior somehow.

I don’t see a point in setting hurdles for gender expression when I can instead worry about demanding unisex reasonable and rational interpersonal behavior.

(I also just find gender extremely boring. I was not raised to care much about who's doing what as what. Gender should matter in sociology, pronouns, fucking, and... that's probably it. Focusing on whether someone is performing something correctly or whether you should buy an enamel pin that says "spacegender" on it are both addictive navel-gazing activities that could be replaced with more demonstrative self-actualizing like making art, joining a hobby/activism community, or reading something you normally wouldn't.)

I don’t think I need to tell you that taking hormones in order to make friends is a very strange thing to do, no matter how young or lonely you are. I think you should check in with yourself ASAP to figure out why you sought out voluntary medical assistance to impress other people. (People who you assumed would only talk to you if you were trans…? So, possibly bad people.) This would never have occurred to me. (I am scared of needles.) This sounds like a tendency that will kick your ass more than just this once.

The nice thing about people is that you can walk away from one and find a better fit. If you're a weird chick, I hope you take pride in being a weird chick. I hope you make yourself hard to replace or replicate. I hope you learn to love unnerving or impressing people as you flip through them looking for the ones who "get" your wavelength. I would personally rather have no friends than to try to please someone who doesn't like who I actually am. That sounds exhausting.

If someone actually told you you can't use "she" pronouns while taking T, that person's a dorky little snot. "Uhhh, the Gender Bible says this is a violation of the Gender Commandments... I'm telling Gender God"— big deal. Gender Spankings and Gender Hell only exist if you believe in them. Fuck the system.

But yeah— you tried something, it was a mistake, and now you have to navigate life with it, like an impulse tattoo or juvenile leg-lengthening surgery. You are not a “mutant”, you just slid around the human secondary sex characteristics scale. My condolences on the beard and stuff. I think the best you can do now is to find a way to embrace it and let it make you an extra quirky gal. You have a dark past now! That means experience! You can use this flub to make yourself into a cooler, smarter person that future kids can admire and learn from, not someone obnoxiously bitter who they won’t even wanna talk to.

The way you describe your experiences/projections, I assume you were born after 9/11. The millennial trans people I talk to don’t talk about gender the way you’re describing. They grew up in the “no homo” and “I’m not like other girls” era, and I think it made most of them pretty "none of my business" about how people present overall. They just wanna be able to go out and be respected and loved.

I’ve noticed that Zoomers have perfected identity-based consumerism and putting yourselves(?) in boxes. I have traced a vague progression: GNC/queer people existing forever while being maligned -> “no homo” shit -> Tumblr wave feminism -> greater LGBT acceptance leading to freer expression (but still mainly via buying clothes and makeup) -> more people realizing you can fuck with gender and see if it solves your problems -> genderfuckery becoming a half-joking recommendation (I've experienced this directly) -> half-joking rehashes of gender essentialism without realizing it -> The Present, where I’m watching the early 20-somethings I know fret every few months about what gender/sexuality/mental health labels they should use, as if there’s going to be a quiz at the gates of Heaven.

Obviously I don’t get that last half. Part of that is because I’m cishet, and I’ve checked in with myself enough to know that there’s no other label that will solve any of my problems. I know that every time I acknowledge an autism semi-diagnosis, it makes me content with my flaws instead of trying to fix them. I would much rather be on thin ice and have to be alert to how my actions affect others than to be implicitly accepted because I called myself something. Again, what in you craves that kind of effortless belonging, even at the cost of your sincerest wants? Do you crave unconditional love, or would you prefer deep understanding? What can you feed to that need instead?

I'm friends with trans people because we share the same hobbies and worldviews. My friends do not seem to care that I'm cis as long as I'm respectful. I like that I can fuck with gender stuff around them and they won't judge. If someone jokes that I'm wrong about my own identity, I do get kinda embarrassed for them, but I also choose to take it as a compliment that they see themselves in me. Nobody can control what I do. I love being a good example and reminding people of all groups not to assume!

I also don't list identity stuff in my bios, so everyone has to give me a chance and guess based on how I act. Then... they find out they like me. >:)

Anyway. I hope you feel better! I hope you make some friends who aren't freaky-obsessed with gender, "critical" or not. I wouldn't mind hearing more from you, but also: I will not debate the validity of transness with you, because I think there are way more important things people do that we need to whine about. Also it puts me in a weird position cos I don't like to yell at anons.

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