#Im so ashamed of myself for throwing it out | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

agirlwithglam · 11 days

Note

Hi!! I hope I'm not disturbing you but I wanted to ask how do I work hard. Because when I was younger I got really good marks without trying and now the subjects are hard and social media is distracting but I can't seem to delete it. This is also why my grades are even low then before and I'm really afraid to disappoint my parents (being the eldest daughter doesn't help). So can you please just give me some pointers on how can I actually study and not just cry because I don't know how to. Have a great day!! <3

literally omg. is this past me asking me a question?? like actually u have no idea how much i relate and understand this. the "gifted child" who always got good grades without needing to study now finds things more difficult. i know many people have said this, but i actually have been through this not too long ago. i hope these tips help <3

how to work hard + actually study (realistic)

forget hard work. at least do the work! (its so funny because i literally had a post about this all ready in my drafts about to get posted, so i'll keep this short and link the post.) stop focussing on doing hard work like studying 24/7. just put in the basic necessities you need to get a better grade. hard work post link

use the disappointment and embarrassment as fuel. (basically find a very strong why) (mini story-ish thing coming up, skip to the blue text for the actual advice) i still remember the day i got such a bad score on my math and science test, i was FURIOUS at myself and i cried about it! telling it to my parents was one of the hardest things i had to do and feeling their disappointment was even worse. but that became my turning point. i was so ashamed of myself and i resented me so much that i basically just told myself "i dont freaking care what you feel *with distaste*. you brought this on yourself you failure" (a bit very harsh, yes i know) but the way i studied that week- i studied more than i every had before! also doing this doesnt really lower my self esteem a whole lot, but if it does with you, please be gentle with yourself. : so what i'm trying to say it; use that feeling of shame and disapointment as a fuel, a motivation. The big “why”.

ALTER EGOOOSSSS. this helps SOOOO MUCH its so underrated. embody the energy of your fav people who are the academic inspiration you wanna be! example: rory gilmore, paris geller, elle woods, blair waldorf, etc etc! not only is this so helpful but it also makes it so much more fun and easier!!

parent yourself. i used to tell myself to do stuff like "go study now!" or "get up lazy-butt" but in my mind. but what if you tried to say those stuff out loud to yourself? it just creates a whole new level of real. So start telling yourself to do stuff out loud.

honestly just start. stop letting yourself think about how "uncomfortable" and how "annoying" it will be. All you need to know is that you need to get it done. Right? Ok. So now what’s the next smallest step you can take to getting to do the unwanted task? It may be taking out your material, opening your book, etc.

( !! tough love, but very important rant coming up)

You privileged brat. Your parents gave up EVERYTHING so you could have the education that you are having. They worked so so hard for YOU. So YOU can have the life you want. And all for what? Just for you to throw it all away and say “oh im lazy”. HELL NAH.

And also, do you realise how fortunate you are to be even living in such a time/ era where you have access to basically EVERYTHING? You’re stuck on something? You could easily search it up!! And whats more is that you can further learn. You can search up and find out more about the thing that you’re studying, become the smartest person in your class, get so ahead in life. I hope you realise that if you do use all the resources and materials and help that’s been given to you, just imagine how far you could go! Further than Albert Einstine, Elon Musk, etc. you may be like “what! No that’s gonna be too hard!” But did they have the tools that you have right at your hand? No! They made it all the way with just simple stuff and having to work super hard. But you live in a time where you can do TWICE as much without working as hard!!

And one more thing, QUIT WHINING. “Oh school is so hard!” “Oh school is so boring!” Like whattt???? You are so FORTUNATE and LUCKY to be even getting access to such education! MILLIONS of kids out there would kill to be able to learn what you are so easily dismissing right now. So TAKE ADVANTAGE OF WHAT YOU HAVE. Put your ALL, your very BEST into studying and getting good grades because THAT is whats gonna take you so SO far in life.

Thank you very much, *mic drop*. (i still ly pookie)

dealing with social media:

put the screen time widget on your phone home screen. i did this, and i became so embarrassed by the amount of screen time i had in one day (*cough* 12 hours *cough*) that i made certain to stop using it as much.

screen time limits. this may or may not help you, bc i know that when i knew the screen time password, it didn't do a lot of help but when someone else did (like parents or someone you trust), then it definitely worked. this is probably only best if you're a child around under 14 ish bc thats around the age when most parents put screen time limits + after that age you're gonna be a lot more independent.

more *extremely* helpful resourses:

tips to decrease your phone screen time by @imbusystudying

how to reduce your screen time in the digital age? (an article)

studying tips from a straight-A student by @universalitgirlsblog2

how to study like paris geller by @4theitgirls

more blogs i recomend:

@elonomhblog @mindfulstudyquest @study-diaries @thatbitchery

xoxo, vanilla

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ceruleancattail · 22 days

Note

ceruruuuuuu whats ur favorite cater card art?

…. Excellent question.

OK MY HEAD WAS BLOWING STEAM WITH THIS ONE, I GENUINELY LIKE ALL OF HIS CARDS… for varying reasons. It’s not because I’m biased because I like him, uh nuh-

I have all the cards of cater released in the en server but that’s just a coincidence, trust me on this one ok-

BUT MY FAVOURITE HAS TO BE HALLOWEEN CATER. HALLOWEEN CATER.

Ok just look at this. He’s serving✨

I love the unique angle of this card, the way he’s slipping off the hat, and the detail of the veil covering his face. It just goes to show the layer he keeps within him and the people around him.

The way he keeps a distance, despite still being “Cater”. I really like the contrast his eyes have to the warm orange lighting and the dark background, because they seem to almost glow, giving an eerie, ghostly sort of effect to this entire card.

The lighting of the Jack’o lanterns illuminating him with a soft orange, ember sort of glow is just so cool. It feels like a sort of artificial warmth, surrounded by the chill of the night. I love love love it so so so much.

I might be reading too much into this card but I have to tear this apart with my teeth I love it so so so so so much GRRRRRRR

THE GROOVY HAVING A INSANE CONTRAST FROM A WARM SOMBER SORT OF LIGHT TO THIS COLD, STRANGE MIST LIGHTING IS INSANE. JUMPSCARE FR.

I love like deranged he looks now, compared to the picture perfect model from the earlier card. His hair is tousled up, he’s on all fours, stretching out towards the camera, reaching for something for me teehee (delusional) AND THE WAY THE LANTERNS LOOK SO MUCH MORE SINISTER BEHIND HIM????

BRO CLIMBED RIGHT OUT OF THE GRAVE WITH THAT SMUGASS SMIRK RRRRRR!!!!!! Biting this card like a freaking chew toy-

FOR THE LONGEST TIME THIS WAS MY HOMESCREEN CHARACTER OUTFIT SHENEJKSW I FUCKING LOVED IT

ISN’T HE CUTE? ISN’T HE SO NAUSEATINGLY ADORABLE???? THE LITTLE WINK??? THE SMILE AS HE HOLDS UP HIS HANDS IN THE “ROAR” POSE???? GRRRRRRRRRR I’M GONNA THROW UP FROM HOW GOOD HE LOOKS!!!!!! HANDSOME BOY HANDSOME BOY!!!!!

I LOVE THE LACE CORSET THING HE HAS GOING ON FOR THE ENTIRE OUTFIT SO MUCH. THE WHITE ROSES (?) ON HIS SLEEVES AS WELL WKSNWJWKWKWKWKEKEKJE IM GNAWING ON THEM!!!!! THE DETAILS THE TATTERED CAPE THE LITTLE SKULL ON HIS FUNKY LITTLE HAT IS EVERYTHING TO ME. EVERYTHING.

I’m just questioning the crotch… like…. Hm. Why? Why is it laced there? Oh well-

BUT EVERYTHING LOOKS SO GOOD HEARTSABYUL ATE THE MAKEUP WITH THE SMOKY EYELIDS MAKES ME INSANELY FERAL I HAVE NO IDEA WHY PLEASE SAVE ME FROM THIS MAN.

ALSO THE GROOVY VOICELINE SLAPPED ME SO HARD I’M STILL SEEING STARS LIKE ON GOD- YANA KNOWS CATER’S TARGET AUDIENCE FR FR ITS ME I’M THE TARGET AUDIENCE/j

FUCK!!!! THIS WAS SUCH A SHOCK TO MY ASS LIKE I JUMPED AND WAS LIKE OH NO I’M BEING CALLED OUT-

Like you could take this two ways. One is the whole “you took the effort to know the real me (dug me up), so you’re now an important figure in my life, please don’t leave me”

AND THE OTHER IS THE WHOLE YANDERE SCENARIO THING LIKE “You know who I really am, unearthed the real Cater Diamond… don’t think I’ll ever let you leave me.”

Am I delusional? Yes. Am I self aware and properly ashamed of myself? Yes. But this VOICELINE gave me brainrot for weeks so this card makes me so so so ill. Ill for this man!!!!! THIS MAN!!!!!

HIS STORY WAS SO FUCKING SAD IN THIS CARD THO I WAS LIKE NOOO!!!! I HATE YOU BUT LIKE BRO DO YOU NEED A HUG??? DO YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO??? MY MAN????

but yes this is my favourite Cater Card to date. Sorry for the whole ass ramble I got too silly.

#the mage’s hat 🎩#twisted wonderland #twst #disney twisted wonderland #cater diamond #I hate him btw but I have to admit he slayed with this one

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whyse7vn · 10 months

Text

I’M SORRY -

[ ot7 x reader ]

JUNGKOOK -

jk: i’m sorry

jk: didn’t mean to make you upset :(

i hope i die

i should get jumped

barely survive

be on life support until i’m 50

and when i wake up die from the most painful heart attack recorded

i hope no one attends my funeral and i’m publicly and privately made fun of even after i’ve passed

hope my parents are ashamed and i hope that whenever the name jungkook is said people feel sick to their stomachs

i’m gonna throw up

gonna choke myself to death

i have the tightest grip on my throat rn

i’m going red

it’s fading to black

i’m sorry i wasn’t being a good boyfriend

tell bam that his dad was an asshole who didn’t deserve any rights

don’t even let him remember me as his father

i don’t deserve that title

i don’t deserve anything

not after what i did

burn all my clothes

delete all my pictures

tear my face off all posters

cross my name off all paperwork

i am not worthy of anything

y/n: shut up

jk: i’m sorry

y/n: i can tell

jk: i didn’t mean it

y/n: i forgive you

jk: really?

y/n: yeah

jk: do you really or are joking?

if ur joking it’s not a funny joke

y/n: you can come back home now

jk: really 🥺?

y/n: don’t ever use that emoji again

jk: sorry

i’m coming

omw

i love you

this is so great

y/n: you’re so dramatic

jk: i’m sorry

y/n: stop apologising

jk: sorry

i mean

love u

y/n: hurry up

jk: 🏃‍♂️

SEOKJIN -

jin: can you talk to me now

hey

i’m going to kms and it gonna be all your fault if you don’t reply to me

y/n: record it

jin: hey loml 😘😘❤️❤️❤️🤗🤗

WAIT WTF

THATS SO SICK?/?:£:££.&.&.&&.

y/n: what do you want?

jin: i love you ❤️💓🩷

y/n: bye

jin: WAITTTT :(((((((((((((((

pls

y/n: what

jin: i’m outside 🤭🤗❤️

y/n: stay outside

jin: am i a dog?????

DON’T ANSWER THAT

anyways

i’ve come to see you princess 😘❤️‍🔥

y/n: gross

go home

jin: i am home 🥺

y/n: ur at MY home

jin: tu casa es mi casa 😚

y/n: that is not how that phrase goes

jin: let me inside pookie it’s cold 😍

y/n: you should have a key if it’s ur house

jin: LET ME IN IM TRYING SOSOSOSO HARD

FUCK YOU

ITS COLD

MY HAIR IS WET

IM DISTRESSED

LET ME INNNNNNNN

y/n: it took you 3 minutes

to be an asshole again

jin: :((((

i really tried that time

i can’t help it

this is real this is me

i was born this way

you can’t change me

ur the asshole if we think about it why are you trying to change people?? let the world know you LOSER

y/n: fyi you can stay outside

jin: PLS NOOOO PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS

y/n: “pls” doesn’t really sound like sorry to me…

jin: I SAID IM SORRY

I DIDN’T MEAN TO SHOUTT

IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRYYYYYYYYYYY

i love you

this is kinda sadistic if you think about it

didn’t know you was a freak like that bae

it’s okay i kinda like it

how about you let me in now

or do you want me to beg more???

pls oh plsssss let me in 🥺

i’ll never be mean again i promise 😇

pls 😚

hello??

babe??????

fr this isn’t funny

hello

HELLO

OPEN THE DOOR PLS

HELLLOOOO

OMH

HELLLLO

pls

i’m fr sorry

i mean it like genuinely

hello

…

okay let’s stop now

…………..

HELLLLO

fuck you

HOSEOK -

hobi: this fighting stuff kinda boring now

….

hello

i’m sorry

BOOOO

:(((

y/n: you can’t just walk out the house mid argument

hobi: in my defence u were being mean

y/n: so were you???

hobi: ??

y/n: be honest are you fr gonna just leave like that when things get hard?

hobi: i mean i might

y/n: …

hobi: things were pretty hard

y/n: AS MAN OF THE HOUSE YOU SHOULD OF GOT RID OF THE SPIDER

hobi: AS A FEMINIST I LEFT YOU TO TAKE CARE OF IT TO HELP YOU FEEL EMPOWERED

y/n: fuck you don’t come home

hobi: i would never lie to u bae 🙏🏼

and i would never suppress a moment for a woman to feel empowered

y/n: don’t actually fucking speak to me

hobi: ily

cheer up baby cheer up baby

y/n: picked the wrong member

jungkook would of helped me

hobi: omg????????

are you fr?

y/n: would never lie to you bae 🙏🏽

hobi: ….

JIMIN -

jimin:

y/n: ???

jimin: are you still mad at me?

y/n: yes jimin wtf

jimin: do you want to have sex?

y/n: yes jimin wtf

jimin: love you

y/n: whatever

jimin: say it back

y/n: i won’t

jimin: you will

y/n: definitely will not

jimin: i’ll sing for you

y/n: no thanks

jimin: no thanks?

y/n: no thanks.

jimin: you say that like i’m bad at singing

y/n: eh

jimin: eh?

y/n: eh.

jimin: i won’t have sex with you

y/n: aw man

jimin: don’t sound too sad

y/n: ok

jimin: you should be

y/n: i’m not

jimin: i go crazy in bed yk?

y/n: that is the ugliest thing you have ever said to me

jimin: if ur not in love with me just say that

y/n: i won’t

jimin: so ur IN love with me is what i’m hearing

y/n: ur not hearing anything cuz we are messaging rn

jimin: can you just tell me you love me like a normal person?

y/n: you don’t deserve it

jimin: okay maybe that’s true

but you should do it just once

pretty pls with a cherry on top 🥺

y/n: i’ll punch you

jimin: maybe i’ll enjoy it

y/n: nasty

jimin: kiss me

y/n: where are you?

jimin: ur really gonna kiss me?

y/n: ur talking long to tell me where you are so ig i’m not

jimin: joon’s studio

y/n: maybe i’m omw

jimin: ur so in love with me it’s kinda gross 🤭

YOONGI -

yoongi: :3

y/n: die tbh

yoongi: :3

y/n: your stupid faces mean nothing to me

yoongi: :3

y/n: …

yoongi: :33333

y/n: i hate you

yoongi: :Ɛ

y/n: ew wtf how did you do that

yoongi: Ɛ:

y/n: stop omg

yoongi: i’m sorry :3

y/n: cool

yoongi: i’m fr :3

y/n: idc :3

yoongi: you used the face :3

ur not mad :3

y/n: ur logic is wrong

yoongi: bring the face back :3

and it’s not logic it’s common sense :3

y/n: ur wrong

yoongi: never been wrong a day in my life :3

y/n: that’s crazy

so when you shouted at me for no reason you weren’t in the wrong?

good to know

yoongi: okay i never said that :3

y/n: but you did

yoongi: ur being annoying :3

y/n: fuck you

DID YOU JUST SEND ME 10K?????????

yoongi: did i? :3

y/n: you can’t just buy my forgiveness

yoongi: i can’t? :3

y/n: this is not how relationships work yoongi

yoongi: this is how our relationship works :3

y/n: no it’s not

STOP SENDING ME MONEY OMG?:£:£:’

yoongi: :3

y/n: you are still not forgiven leave me alone

yoongi: unforgiven i’m a villain :3

y/n: SEND ANOTHER 10k AND UR GETTING BLOCKED

yoongi: ur making me real upset rn :3

y/n: go back to work

yoongi: stop being mad at me :3

y/n: die

yoongi: don’t say that i’m about to get on a plane :3

y/n: now i feel bad

yoongi: say sorry :3

y/n: nvm

yoongi: :(

look you’ve made me change faces hope you feel bad :(

y/n: i don’t

yoongi: ur sick and twisted :(

y/n: cry about it

yoongi: really hope i survive this plane ride :(

y/n: i will not be guilt tripped by you

yoongi: you told me to die knowing i was getting on a plane :(

y/n: bye

yoongi: what if i had a deep deep fear of flying and u made that fear 10x worse rn :(

y/n: you don’t

yoongi: you don’t know a thing :(

y/n: fuck you

yoongi: do you really want ur last words to me be fuck you :(

y/n: fly safe

TAEHYUNG -

y/n: no

tae: hiiiiiiii

wtf how did you know

y/n: blocked

tae: NONONONONONO

y/n: you have one minute

tae: i am walking alone rn

y/n: ???

tae: on the street

y/n: ok?

tae: alone

y/n: you said that

tae: ALONE

ALL ALONE

y/n: right

tae: it’s not right actually

ITS VERY FAR FROM RIGHT

i’m ALONE

do you know what could happen to me rn?

i could literally be snatched up off the street by anyone

y/n: hopefully it’s a rehabilitation centre 🙏🏽

tae: WHAG IS UR PROBLEM

IM ALONE ALONE ALONE ALONE

KIM TAEHYUNG ALONE ON THE STREET

WHAT ARE YOU NOT GETTING HERE?

y/n: ur one minute is up

tae: no it’s not

can you pls care for me rn i’m stressed out

y/n: it was pretty stressful when you stood me up yesterday

but i powered through 💪🏽

i’m sure you can do the same!!!

tae: that never happened

pls let’s pretend that never happened

i’m the perfect boyfriend i swear

y/n: get lost

like actually

never come back

tae: 😢

you don’t even mean that

y/n: are you sure?

tae: IM SORRY PLS PLSPLSSSSSS

forgive me

y/n: no

tae: you can have my card

y/n: don’t want it

tae: take my house

i’ll give you my keys rn

y/n: i have ur keys

tae: you do?

you thief omg

give them back

y/n: you left them here???

after YOU stormed out my house after you made ME upset

tae: oh yeah

i’m coming back now

y/n: asshole

tae: let’s put this behind us and move on

that’s a great idea i say

y/n: you are single

tae: don’t say that

y/n: said it

tae: we are actually engaged and expecting our 10th child

y/n: you are single

tae: top 10 singles

made a few of those in my time

LOL

i’m funny right

say i’m funny

y/n: it’s painful talking to you

tae: painfully in love with me are you?

y/n: it’s like i’m taking to a brick wall

you have like selective hearing

tae: what i’m hearing is you want to kiss me on the lips?

y/n: call an ambulance

tae: feeling so much love for me ur throwing up?

???

hello

maybe i do deserve this

NAMJOON -

y/n: would you now like to explain why the hell you sent halsey flowers on MY birthday??

namjoon: it wasn’t just on ur birthday i’ve been sending them all week for like a month now

y/n: namjoon what the fuck??

namjoon: i’m confused

y/n: UR confused????

do you like her or something?

namjoon: ofc i like her!

y/n: so ur cheating?

namjoon: what

y/n: ur cheating on me and you have no shame???

what the actual fuck is wrong with you??

namjoon: i’m not cheating?

y/n: for a month now you’ve been sending another girl that you like flowers

EVERY WEEK???

namjoon: every friday

y/n: fuck you

namjoon: i’m confused how that’s cheating when you told me to do that?

y/n: WHEN HAVE I EVER SAID “OH NAMJOON SEND OTHER BITCHES FLOWERS”

namjoon: you literally said you loved how halsey’s bf gave her flowers every week and that you wished i did that?

y/n: ….

there is no way

….

namjoon

oh my god

kim fucking namjoon

LMAOOSO ARE YOU FR?

namjoon: what??? i’m so confused pls tell me what i did wrong

i would never cheat on you

ur freaking me out

y/n: think about it

why would i wish you sent halsey flowers?

think

like really think

namjoon: IDK i was confused as hell but you seemed like you really wanted me to

so i did

y/n: i meant i wanted you to buy ME flowers you idiot omg

namjoon: oh

that makes a lot more sense

y/n: yeah

you are the dumbest smart man i’ve ever met

namjoon: my fault

i get confused sometimes 😞

y/n: i love you

namjoon: i love you too

ur not mad anymore?

y/n: could never be mad at you silly

342 notes · View notes

buzzyb33 · 4 months

Note

please please please i need some james marriott smut im starving f reader pls

Of course! James is literally my favourite of all time I’m so obsessed with him! Sorry I do try to stick to my routine though so sorry!

Prompt: you and James have been dating for around four months, you two perfect, you sweet and soft, him kind and loving. As you and James have an especially heated session you admit to him your a virgin and he promises to take care of you. 🤭

Warnings: SMUT!!!!, virgin!reader, details of sex, swearing, condom sex I guess, oral sex, pet names, praise,

James had his hand on my cheek as he kissed me, his body towering down as I was almost on my tiptoes, arms around his neck and eyes closed.

He pushed me lightly against the wall as the kiss became more lasting.

“James, James.” I say gently as he pulls away and he smiles at me warily.

We was in his room, my back against his wall.

“Yeah? Are you okay?” He responds gently.

“Yeah- yeah, I just- I want to ge something off my mental.” I breath out, still catching my breath.

He looked at me with his rosey cheeks, disheveled hair and hazel eyes.

“Course..” he murmurs as his lips go gently to my neck.

I smile as he crouches down to do so- my heart racing.

“Baby- I know you’re a pro but please be gentle- cause I’ve never done this before..” I say nervously and he pulls back to look at me.

“You’ve never had sex?”

I look down almost ashamed as heat rushes to my cheeks, shaking my head in response.

He picks my head up with his thumb in my chin and smiles.

“It’s okay- I’ll- take care of you, are you sure you want to?” He questions gently.

“I’m sure.”

He nods and pulls me onto his bed, placing me on his lap, facing him.

He gets back to work on my lips, his hands sliding up and down my waist.

I let my eyes close and my lips move with his.

“N/n- are you sure?” He asks again, his face a tone of seriousness.

“James, I’m sure.” I smile and place my hand gently on his chest.

He nods and pulls my shirt over my head.

I breath out into his mouth as he works on his own button up shirt.

He discards it to the floor and placed his calloused hand the the back of my head, tangling it with my long hair.

He pulls his mouth away and smiles at me.

I smile back with a flushed face, now chest to chest, his left hand still firmly on my waist.

He looks into my eyes and pushes my head to his, he closes his eyes as our lips touch again, just with less passion and more love.

I smile into the kiss and let my hands work on his belt, as I finish with that he flips us over so I’m underneath him.

He pulls down his jeans- his forearms either side of my head.

My pale face is a beyond colour of red, I can actually feel it in the tips of my ears.

I exhale as he kisses his way down to my thighs, gently undoing the button of my cargos and shimmying them down my thighs until my white cotton panties are on show to him.

He looks up into my eyes for consent and I nod, throwing my head back on his pillows as he removes my panties which where already damp form slick.

He groans lightly before burying his face between my thighs, the feeling phenomenal.

I instantly arch my back into his tongue as he does laps on my pussy, his nose nudging my clit.

I let out whines, my mind at bliss and more than happy that James was going to be my first time

I reach down and tug at his hair, causing his to groan into my pussy, the vibrations almost enough to send me over the edge.

“James..” I whine out, feeling myself getting closer.

His beard rubs against my thighs, sure to leave scratches.

He keeps going until my grip on his hair is deathly and my back is fully off the mattress, my whines now more high pitched and my breath more ragged.

Just as I feel myself almost tip to the edge, he pulls away, looking into my eyes as his juices lay glistening on his beard.

“Good girl..” he says as he wipes his mouth, leaning up and kissing me, I taste myself on his lips which makes me open my eyes to see him starting right back at me.

My chest tightened at that and I smiled into the kiss.

I can see how hard he is through his boxers, a spot of pre-cum soaking into the fabric.

As he goes back to his first position with his forearms on either side of my head I sit up slightly and he meets my eyes, I lean down to remove his boxers his cock springing free.

He can clearly see my eyes widen- he’s big, and he knows he is.

He breathe as he reaches into his nightstand drawer pulling out a condom, he lets his eyes lock with mine as he rips it with his teeth, rolling it down his length.

I maintain the eye contact with my heart racing as his top teases my entrance, he pushes in and I bite my lip back.

I exhale and wrap my arms around his neck, my legs around his waist, adjusting to his size I bite the inside of my cheek.

“You’re doing so good darling..” he murmurs as he starts to slowly thrust in and out of me, my breaths becoming more shallow and whiny.

“James..” I whine again and he keeps his slow pace, gripping the sheets as I grip the back of his neck.

“Fucking hell, n/n you feel- great..” he grunts out before I match my heavy breathing with his low groans and grunts.

He speeds up his pace and brings both of his hands to my waist, resting his forehead on my shoulder, his hips moving I a rhythm as my ankles lock at his tailbone.

I let out whimpers of pain and pleasure- a mix due to his size.

“James this is a lot-“ I mumble gently, my stomach twisting in a bit so familiar knot of pleasure.

“I know darling, you’re doing so good, I promise I’d take c- care of you and I am aren’t I?” He cuts himself off a couple times through his sentence to let out groans.

I nod my head desperately, now used the feeling it’s like pure bliss, the knot getting tighter and tighter in my stomach.

“James..” I say his name again.

“I think I’m-“ he cuts me off with a quick nod.

“Yeah- together, we can.. try hold out just a bit more..”

His pace fastens again and I grip onto him, my moans coming out louder.

“You can let go- fuck- darling it’s okay” he says as I oblige, cumming onto him as he spills into the condom, his grunts low.

He lets his head hang as he rolls off of me, pulling out and taking his condom off, tying it and putting it in the bin he rolls to his side to face me.

“You did- great n/n- I swear..” he murmurs as I bring myself to his chest.

“Do you want me to run you a bath?” He asks softly as he holds me, his boxers back up and same for my panties.

“No thank you- I’m uh, glad you was my first time.” I say the last part in a quieter tone, just enough for him to hear.

“I’m glad you trust me enough.” He kisses my forehead and let’s me hold him, nuzzling myself into his chest.

“We can have a nap then order food when we wake up, yeah?” I nod and he hums lightly.

We fall asleep tight in each others embrace.

A/n

Had me giggling and everything 🤭🤭

Three days and there should be another tobi!!

Requests are open!

Masterlist!

#sidemen #sidemen x reader #sidemen x y/n #james marriott x you #james marrriott x reader #james marriott #james marrriott smut #youtuber x reader #youtuber #youtube #smut #josh zerkaa #ksi #miniminter #vikkstar123 #behzinga #w2s #tobijzl

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keis-slut · 6 months

Note

I MUST know how Vanessa handles her strap on with a bottom!reader

honestly, I must know as well…so this gives me a chance to add more to vanessa’s hcs LMFAO.

thank you for asking this!!!!

and maybe scroll to the bottom for a bonus surprise.

also, assuming reader is afab in this ask and vanessa is the one wearing the strap, yes? alright, great

FNAF SB CONTINUED VANESSA KINK HEADCANONS (NSFW)

-her strap is pink and she’s not ashamed of it whatsoever honestly LOL

-it’s one of those cute pink dildos you’ll see with like glow in the dark stars inside, and the strap itself is like hot pink and pastel pink accents, it’s cute, just a lil detail my brain wanted to add

-also, it’s not big, maybe like 5-6inches, but does have that ungodly g-spot curve she just loves to fuck around with

-as I said in the other hcs, she loves when you call her mommy, it gets her even more riled up than when yall started

-I also said she’d be fine with a little hair pulling here and there if she was getting fucked, but now she’s fucking you

-and so, she loves pulling your hair, forcing your head back so you have to look at her

-she’s a sucker for eye contact too, she won’t allow you to look away when she’s on top

-“look at me when i’m fucking you, y/n”

-she’s not one for giving praise or degradation, but when she’s dom she’s still extremely overpowering, she doesn’t even have to say anything, it’s just her presence, and that’s hotter than anything.

-she has those eyes, “siren eyes”, she just has to look at you a certain way with her piercing green eyes, and boom, you’ve cum already

-she loves to kiss, like a lot. especially in the middle of fucking you, like she’ll be stretching you out and just capture your lips at the same time

-she does this because she absolutely loves feeling how squirmy and desperate you get while kissing back, how you pull away and gasp into her mouth at just the right spot, and she’ll catch your lips again as your whine echoes on her lips

-LORD, she just loves being close when you fuck, doesn’t matter who’s dom or sub

-she’s very intimate and passionate, especially when on top

-she also may or may not continue even after you’ve cum, just to hear your cute overstimulated squeals

LMFAO BONUS ONESHOT CUZ IM GAY AND HORNY

sitting on the sofa, I hear a door slam. A car door.

I jump up from the couch, fully aware of what time it was, and stomp over to the front door.

I look outside, seeing vanessa strut down our walkway as I click our lock and twist open the knob, going to fully open it.

only before it’s pushed against my body, and vanessa comes trudging in angrily.

“v-vanessa! hey! what’s wrong?” I squeak as she pushes past my body, throwing her shoulder bag onto our kitchen counter, almost knocking over various trinkets.

she ignores that, along with my voice, and walks down the dark hallway, towards our bedroom.

“excuse me! don’t ignore me!” I say, now annoyed myself as I slam the front door shut, locking it.

“you didn’t even fucking take your shoes off!” I add, walking around our kitchen and following her to our bedroom, going to open the door.

only for it to be locked.

“vanessa, open the door! it’s my room too, you’re being rude!” I yell, slamming my fist onto our wooden door.

a moment after, it’s surprisingly unlocked and opened, and I make eye contact with her for just a split second before she goes back to what she’s doing.

her bottom half is fully exposed, with her white button-up work shirt is still messily buttoned on.

I slam the door behind me, crossing my arms as I face her.

“it’s not fair for you to take out a bad day at work on me, vee” I say sternly, as she pulls off her socks and throws them to a unknown place in our room.

“and who said it was because of work?” she snaps at me abruptly, and i’m taken back by her attitude.

“first of all, that’s where you’ve spend your whole day anyway, it’s all I can assume, and second of all, do not speak to me like that” I say, growing closer to her with each word.

suddenly, she turns around quickly and pushes into me, backing me against the wall behind me harshly as her striking green eyes narrow.

“or what?”

i’m shocked at first, maybe even a little angry that she snapped like that, but I couldn’t help myself as a smirk plasters on my face, only making her scrunch her face more.

“did you have a bad day at work?” I ask, but teasing her, seductive and derogatory.

she stops for a second, blinking and furrowing her eyebrows slightly, confused.

I bring my hand to her face, puckering my bottom lip.

“did that make you angry?” I continue, touching her face as I lean in closer, and so does she, but oh boy was she mad.

exactly what I wanted.

She grabs my hand in her fist, slamming it against the wall behind me, causing me to whine slightly.

“that’s it…show me how angry you are” I purr, picking up my leg to rest on her bare hip, as she still had nothing on below. But she still had her shirt.

I push my body, backing her up onto the bed as I crawl on top.

but she immediately flips us over, her now on top.

“take your clothes off” She says sternly, before crawling off me and walking to our closet.

I knew exactly what she was getting.

I sit up eagerly and pull my shirt over my head, pulling down my pajama pants as well, no panties or bra underneath conveniently.

I lay myself back down as she struts over, pulling out her hair from her ponytail at the same time, letting it loose.

I put my hands out, grabbing her body and pulling her on top of me as soon as she was close enough.

she leans down and kisses me passionately, hand roaming to my hair as she grabs a fistful.

her tongue lingers on the edge of my lips as I open my mouth, meeting her tongue with mine. I moan into the kiss and grab her face, desperately kissing her as if she wasn’t close enough.

she pulled my hair back harder, sending a whine to echoe out of my mouth, to hers, and she groans in acknowledgement.

I felt her other hand wander down my stomach, to between my legs quickly, feeling just how slick i’ve become in this scenario.

she breaks the kiss for a second, a whine leaking from my lips as she separates my thighs, petting my folds gently, and I rut my hips.

“…mommy”

She stares down at me dangerously, pushing a finger inside my cunt. I squeeze my eyes shut at the feeling, and I feel her lean down and kiss my lips gently.

as quick as she went in, she pulled out, to which I opened my eyes in surprise to protest. But this was before I felt something else stretch inside me, and I saw her thrust her hips.

“fuck!” I moan, placing my hands onto her shoulders.

I felt her hand graze the back of my head again, grabbing my hair and pulling back, the same time she started to slam her hips against mine.

I felt myself clench around the toy in pure bliss, as she had one hand coddling my body, and the other pulling my head back by my hair.

her thrusts grew desperate and animalistic, and her face was less than an inch from mine, her narrowed eyes never leaving mine as my eyebrows knit.

the toy curved inside me, the tip pushing up against just the right spot, my body tensing.

I felt my body shiver with chills as my hands only scratched at her shoulders, and my legs wrapped around her body to pull her closer, deeper.

it was skin-to-skin as I squealed, reaching climax rather quickly than usual.

I expected her to pull out as we slowed down, and I caught my breath, but she gripped my hair harder and pulled me back to look at her.

“just a little longer-“ she starts, leaning closer to me as I whine from her pushing back in.

“-i haven’t calmed down yet” she finishes with a growl, starting with a pace that had to be much faster, fucking the mess i’ve made right back into me.

I reach around and claw at her back, her lips finding mine again as we both grew sloppy.

she kept going, leaving me no choice but to make more of a mess as she clung to my body.

“f-fuck…you should come home from work-ah!-a-angry more ofte-ahh!” I struggle to slur my words as she wouldn’t stop,

and she didn’t stop.

#smut writing #wattpad #writers on tumblr #smut writer #vanessa fnaf #fnaf vanessa #fnaf sb #fnaf security breach #fnaf smut #fnaf #fnaf headcanons #five nights at freddy's security breach #five nights at freddy's

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sexisdisgusting · 3 months

Note

Hiii I hope it’s okay if I rant about a male to you but feel free to ignore me if it’s not ^^

So about a year ago I let a male friend live in my tiny, one bedroom apartment with me. He slept in my living room on a mattress I gave him.

He literally trashed my apartment—he left fast food bags, wrappers, cups, dirt, etc. all over my floor; he practically refused to do ANY basic household chores; he brought his other male friends into my home, most of the time without my permission, and played video games loudly in the next room at night while I was trying to sleep.

All I asked of him was $200 a month to help with rent, groceries, & the utility bill. This fucking asshole couldn’t even scrape up that much money when he had absolutely no other financial obligations. I worked full-time, 40 hours a week while he worked 10, sometimes 15 hours a week. And I still had to do all the chores if I didn’t want my apartment looking & smelling like an absolute pigsty 24/7. He was fully able-bodied btw and there was no reason he couldn’t get a full-time job like a big boy or at least do basic chores.

Instead he stayed home, watched TV, and played video games all day long while dirtying up my house, running up my utility bill almost three times as much as it was without him there, and eating all the food I bought with my own money.

Not to mention he litERALLY BROUGHT FUCKING BED BUGS INTO MY HOME MAKING ME HAVE TO THROW AWAY MY ENTIRE BED AND BUY A WHOLE NEW ONE. FUCK.

Thankfully this is the closest I’ll ever get to having a man-child husband as I’m a lesbian, but the experience was more than enough for me. I kicked his ass out but not after enduring his shit for a few months.

I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I am known by most people as a tough, strong-willed woman who doesn’t take shit from anyone, especially men, but somehow I let this male walk all over me bc I cared about him.

And it was easier for me to get rid of him than it likely is for straight/het-partnered women to get rid of their man-child husbands/boyfriends. I feel for them sometimes, I really do. Some of them are dependent on their husbands/boyfriends in more ways than one, but especially financially.

Well, I will never, ever let a male (aside from my cat) live in my home again. FUCK that.

HIII!! yes of COURSE its okay for you to rant to me about a male, i encourage all my followers to rant to me about the shitty males in their lives!

after reading your entire ask all i can say is... holy fucking shit

why are men so repulsive and dirty, i swear to god its like theyre in a constant state of being mentally two years old, they cannot clean up after themselves, take care of themselves and dont give a fuck about anyone else except themselves, NOT EVEN GIVING A SHIT ABOUT THOSE WHO HELP AND CARE FOR THEM!!!!

listen, you have no reason to be ashamed of yourself, if anything it shows that youre a good person, and friend, youre kind and thats a terrific trait to have

unfortunately someone took your kindness for granted, and im proud of you for sticking up for yourself and kicking his dumbass out

i love you so much anon, i hope youre doing okay now !! <3

#asks #anon asks

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spiderlegeyelashes · 5 months

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yesterday at my friend's house we were dicking around watching stupid shit and taking shots (we were supposed to have sangria, but it turned out so disgusting and nobody wanted to go to the store to buy better alcohol so we decided to just take shots of the vodka we were supposed to add into the pot and make a drinking game out of it) and well i got too cocky as is my habit with taking shots and when my friend jokingly said they still have the raki from last time and i should finish it i said id do it. big mistake i ended up throwing up so much on her bathroom floor AND got a nosebleed its humiliating. interestingly my first instinct was to lock the door behind me when i started throwing up to make sure nobody would witness the mess i made and the moment i stopped throwing up i got to cleaning it. like i knew it'd be fine and they're my friends and this is a normal stupid thing to have happen, no need to be too ashamed of it, but when things get ugly the only thing i want to do is make sure i'm alone so i can clean my mess up and only let people in once it's tidy. spent like 40 minutes in that bathroom cleaning my sick off the floor with my nose bleeding and vomiting every once in a while and unclogging the toilet with my bare hands cause the paper i was cleaning the floor with would clog it every few flushes and oh my goddd it was a mess and whats interesting is that the moment i locked that door it felt like i had clipped through time and i just stopped being a real human living in the moment but just someone watching myself wipe and puke and dig and giggle. didnt cry cuz it wasnt sad in fact i was kinda laughing because hey im gonna remember this and its going to be q funny story but maaaaaaaan does this say a few things about me. NOT SUBTLE AT ALL!

#trajkotanie

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aquariumgirls · 9 months

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vei lorepost. (tldr at the end before the cat picture. also this is a huge vent about how being on the internet so young (i was seven) damaged me as a person in a way that i fear may never be truly fixable and also i hate myself)

when i was young (like seven. i was on the internet too young) it was the ship and let ship/dont like dont read era of the internet. being a small child with autism i wanted to consume as much content related to the things i liked as possible, and ended up stumbling upon spaces i should not have been in nor been able to access at my age.

most of them were pertaining to things that i know understand are problematic. it damaged me fundamentally, as i only exited those spaces and realized all the things that i thought were normal were wrong, when i was 13 years old. it was traumatizing for me. it desensitized me to things that i should not be desensitized to. things that are disgusting to me now. and it fucking sucks when people say that fiction doesn't affect reality, because it absolutely fucking does. i am literal proof of that.

when i was eleven, i got my friend into undertale. it was the early days of the fandom, and i liked it because i had watched a youtuber play the demo of the game a few years prior. certain ships were popular. because i was eleven, i thought certain things were normal, and i was in nsfw spaces despite being so young, because it was practically everywhere.

when my friend got into it, she also got into one of the most popular problematic ships. she gave me a nickname pertaining to it, and despite me not knowing why, i was ashamed and embarrassed when she would call me that.

i (obviously) am not pr*ship. i am not neutral, either. i resent pr*shippers because people like them normalized things for me and exposed me to things that i should not have seen, and that should not have been normalized. i still get intrusive thoughts about it. i still feel ashamed of who i used to be. i still feel disgusted with myself when i have said intrusive thoughts. i am in therapy, and it took me a while to realize that it was traumatizing. i didn't just see gross fictional content, i saw real gore, shock videos that made me nauseous, videos from depraved people that i watched on a dare, among other things.

my first anime was hetalia, which im very much NOT proud of. you can imagine the shit i saw in 2011/2012/2013. i also had homestuck as a special interest until i was around sixteen, and by then i had been actively trying to avoid it for about a year.

basically: fiction affects reality and i am legitimately traumatized because of it. to be real i havent told anyone this. im afraid of being judged. i dont want people to think im like the people who exposed me to traumatizing and damaging content when i was little. these things make me physically nauseous with shame. you obviously dont have to read this post because its long as hell but i know that some people my age have probably had similar experiences. i dont call myself an anti anymore because im nineteen years old, but i deeply DEEPLY resent and hate pr*shippers. i also know that some of them are coping in unhealthy ways. but it doesn't change the fact that they exposed me to things i shouldnt have seen when i was a young, impressionable child, and it doesn't change the fact that they're still doing it now.

i am in therapy. i avoid and block every pr*shipper i see and religiously scour blogs to make SURE they aren't one. anytime a blog i like gets exposed for being one in secret, i feel sick.

i was in those damaging spaces longer than ive been out of them and sometimes i think that ill be damaged like this forever. ive done things im not proud of. things that make me so ashamed that i throw up. sometimes i wish i could wipe my memory from up until i was 13. i dont think ill keep this post up very long because frankly i dont want people to think im some sort of freak or whatever, but ive been thinking about this recently and i need to say it to SOMEONE before i go fucking crazy.

tldr: i was in pr*ship spaces until i figured out that shit was wrong and by then i was already 13 (in eighth grade) and by then the damage was already done and now im left with trauma, intrusive thoughts that make me physically nauseous, and a fear that im actually secretly like the people who exposed me to those traumatizing things.

cat photo to thank you for reading.

#vent #god. its just so fucked up. i wish i could change the past but what the fuck ever i guess

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marauderswolf22 · 1 year

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wolfstar headcanons, but when they ill

im ill and wanted to comfort myself with this

-Sirius was ashamed of being sick. In his childhood, he always had to deal with it on his own, so he didn't see anything unusual about it. Sometimes he even thought he didn't deserve care or help when he wasn't the best version of himself. Covered with blankets with a runny nose, he did not feel like the pride of the Blacks. Whenever any of his friends at Hogwarts saw him coughing, with a red nose or a sore, they said it was nothing. He didn't even know what it was like to get custody. When they started dating Remus, the werewolf hit him even more carefully. His every smile and unusual movement was recorded in his head archive to be recognized again. Thus, in a short time, Remus realized when his boyfriend was weaker. His eyelids drooped slightly, and the blush covered his whole face and then disappeared. "Sirius love, are you okay?" you look a little weak. he asked once a few weeks after their first date. Sirius was afraid, the word "weak" made him shiver. Even more so when Remus, as usual, was in the right. However, this time Padfoot's disease was really wearing him down as a result of poor treatment earlier in the day. He didn't have the strength to fight anymore. -I think I'm sick Rem, I just want you to know. "But don't think Remus didn't do anything about it. He immediately took care of the warmth and comfort of his boyfriend. He loaded it with thermometers and tissues like an overprotective mother with too much free time. And when Remus had left for the hospital wing, Sirius was left alone with his gifts. Merlin, he loved it.

-Rarely, but still, there was a coincidence of their health problems. Most often it took place after parties, when in unexplained mysterious circumstances, they both got drunk into three merlins. They returned to the room, and both, differently, felt their intoxication. Sirius had a habit of throwing up, because while his head was unusually strong, unfortunately his stomach was not. Remus was the opposite. He could drink a whole barrel and pass out, but his stomach wouldn't budge. So Sirius, bent over the toilet seat, could only feel the whiskey, and Remus's hands entwining his hair. Once he had thrown away everything he had to, their roles switched. He gave Remus potions so that the next day he wouldn't be tortured with a hangover. Then, they just rolled over uncontrollably and landed on one of the beds. They did it out of habit, knowing each other even when their minds couldn't comprehend what was going on. The next day, they usually didn't remember anything, so they never noticed what they had in common, not remembering anything from what you just read.

-Whenever he was sick, Remus had more trouble sleeping than usual. His head ached as if he had fallen from an astronomy tower, and his hell felt like a blazing fireplace. He also hated that for these reasons he was unable to read. But Sirius wanted to make it up to him. He took Moony's pick book, and read it to the chapter where he left off. Usually Remus would fall asleep and they had to read everything from the middle, but it made them feel better.

ps: it was supposed to be shorter I swear

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love-now-cry-later · 8 months

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the importance of change

"nothing lasts forever, nothing stays the same"

september 3, 2023

I'm at a point in life where everything is changing and for the first time… I'm ok with it. I just turned 18 (woo!) and for the first year since i was 12 i didn't have a breakdown on my birthday. i graduated just before that and now i'm off. in 1 month i'll be in maine for a concert with my best friend, then i'll be in GA with my mom and then i'll be back in jersey until christmas where i’ll then go to nebraska for a bit and then costa rica from january to july, and when we come back my friend Abbi will be graduating and we all will have had enough saved up to rent a house together. And My dad asked me this morning if I was scared and I've just sat here thinking. What do I feel?

i'm about to spend the next year of my life traveling and seeing the world. having opportunities, that i'm eternally grateful for, that many people don't have and my family never had. I have a chance of moving out and getting my own home and for my family, generations in one home, that's really big. I'm young and free and I'm grateful to have friends who give me opportunities that I would never have otherwise.

But It's terrifying. I'm gonna be far from home for a long time and when i'm finally back it won't be for long, but you know what's scarier? everything staying the same.

my life has gotten easier these last few months. my senior year, I graduated because I have connections with teachers and principals and people like me. my 'charisma' as Camdyn puts it. I have opportunities like Costa Rica because friends and their families like me. My life has gotten easier and I don't take that for granted. In some ways I believe the easy, go-with-the-flow, handouts and kindness that I've been receiving is an apology from the universe. An apology for having to be strong and grow up at a very young age. An apology for all that i had to deal with very young, and a reward for not letting it turn me into a person i would be ashamed of. Coming out of it a better person.

I believe that I was meant to break generational cycles. The cycles of poverty- the cycles of teen pregnancy- the cycles of throwing your life away. The cycles of dead end office jobs, janitorial positions- of deciding between a meal for you or your kids tonight. The grab the wic approved!- dirty looks in the grocery line because of the ebt card. I believe it’s gotten easier because I deserve an easier life than my mother and my father. Not that they dont deserve it either, But i can tell they’re happy that i have better, i think thats what they've always wanted for me. Even though they didn’t necessarily provide it, they're happy for me. I can tell.

My point- or the point of this ramble at least is that change is scary but you know what- that's good. Fear is good sometimes! It’s like when you first start highschool and you're scared, there's a new building and its so big and there's so many people you’ve never met and people you never will, but after a couple weeks freshman year is easy- then it’s winter break and spring break, and then- you're a sophomore. I was terrified to graduate, but I'm so grateful and happy I did. Because you know what's more scary and embarrassing than standing in front of hundreds of people that dont like you, and an ex and their new gf in a stupid cap and gown, and possibly falling on your face walking off the stage? Not doing it. Letting yourself give up and fail out of fear. The great thing about life is that you can change at any point. Anything you're unhappy with you can change, And isn't that beautiful?

The thing is that, I've really looked at my life and gotten more perspective and I need more change. “The way im living is a temper tantrum” and not in the way it was before, where i was drinking myself into oblivion for some nihilistic ‘fuck you’ to the man or god or whatver. But in the way that i’ve kept myself in a box so to be what others want me to be. I’m done with the edgy-tryhard - anti feminine hard ass-intimidating bullshit image i’ve tried to spin my whole life. I'm surrendering. Surrendering to the divine feminine, to the easy, happy, beautiful universe. I'm ready to begin the easiest, happiest era of my life. An era of receiving.

Anyway, I hope to all that read this that you will experience freedom, and happiness as we’re all entitled to. Asé

#self help #rambles #brain dump #spiritualgrowth #growth mindset #growth #journal

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vtoriacore-rbs · 7 months

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tw. ed + whatever the fuck is wrong w me in general. id actually advise against reading this but this helps get things off my chest.

me slipping back into old ed habits bc my intrusive thoughts actually ended up triggering me 💀💀💀 i went on a 2 day fast and only had mineral water and i feel both proud and horrified that ive allowed myself to do that so now im eating healthy things to kinda make up for it but anyways i weighed myself too even tho i said i wouldn't. like i know i shouldn't feel happy over the fact i starved and weakened my body on purpose but it feels nice to stick to something and actually have some discipline back in my life.

had a breakdown too earlier for no reason (altho im on my period so maybe that's why, fuck you uterus btw there is no us only u someone remove this thing PLEASE). like bro some bitch in college also was telling me how she was losing weight and she deadass told me that my ribcage sticking out was so aesthetic and it just enabled me, we only spoke 3 times before that and im pretty sure she has an ed too bc she kept trying to get my measurements??? she also said she'd sacrifice two of her ribs to get a waist like mine and i know she meant it as a compliment but i wanted to cry and felt low-key ashamed like i hate when people point out my physical appearance and i was stretching i didn't even mean for my shirt to go higher up it was so uncomfy. it's weird tho cause when i starve myself i feel happy abt it but when other people point it out and praise me for it i get really mad. maybe it's bc i discourage eds and im very pro-recovery but anyways that was a weird comment™ i think it played into the breakdown. she tried grabbing my wrist several times and i told her to stop trying to touch me but she wouldn't stop either and was like "just for a second please" like i felt so icky bc of that too like bitch hands off before i retaliate <3 so yeah now im trying to eat again but honestly i feel like im gonna throw up bc i didn't eat for 2 days lmao and the entire day today i felt so dizzy. like yesterday was fine but today ?? no. my muscles hurt so bad so im gonna have a 50g protein shake too ugh im so tired. gonna try get up to 1000 kcal at least and make the deficit up over the weekend bc my stomach physically hurts when i try to eat (but this strawberry yogurt bangs even tho im half full already).

ive been slipping back into an ed mindset over the last month tho even with my binges and i just wanna look ill enough for one of my doctors finally tell me im underweight enough they didn't even acknowledge i was severely underweight 3-4 years ago that felt so humiliating and now im thinking along the lines of "i need to be a better anorexic" even tho its fucked up and like im trying to just snap myself out of this mindset but it's not working so im gonna have to get a therapist potentially. bc i don't want my organs and bones failing but at the same time, i wanna make sure doctors take me seriously this time and maybe it'll be a fucking reminder to take eds seriously. it actually pisses me off hos insensitive some doctors are about eds and the fact they indirectly fucking allow it sometimes too like. just bc im not in a critical condition and only like 3/4kgs underweight doesn't mean i don't have an ed or that it isn't "severe enough" smh this annoys me so much.

if you read it up to here don't worry ill be fine, a bitch always pulls thru and these are just momentary lapses in judgement im not letting mental illness win im too fucking good for this (<- motivating myself kinda feel better after writing this NGL).

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viaetor · 10 months

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exhaustion

im sorry for throwing this here in the first place. I generally don't post vents on tumblr dot com, but I've been under so much stress lately and I just. don't have anywhere I can dump things yknow?? i don't wanna feel like a burden to my friends or as if its their responsibility.

but I've been so, so exhausted lately. but it's so hard to just *stop* or *take a break*.

currently, im working 3 part-time jobs, participating in 4 uni projects, writing my thesis, finishing up my government-funded research, completing translations, on top of having my regular classes. not to mention more work and projects ive been "invited" to accept that are still starting up and my upcoming mandatory internship. my parents have been entrusting me with more and more responsibilities regarding their physical health as seniors. but i also need to keep an eye out so that my drug addict sister doesn't do anything stupid and gets thrown out of the house again. I'm also worried about another sister of mine.

Lately i tried to distract myself by involving myself more with my friends. I've helped a few friends out with their own stuff (moving, writing, job interviews, emotional support) and ive been reconnecting with long past friendships, which is pretty neat. and it was working for a while, but im starting to get drained from even the simplest interactions.

now every time I look at my phone or get out of my room, people are calling me to ask to do stuff for them. I'm so numb to it all, I just do it automatically even when my body is sore and my brain is dead.

the worst part is that I can't quit anything. there are no vacations waiting for me, and no way I can lessen my workload more than I already have. I'm numb to it all, it's exhausting, but I feel so ashamed for even feeling tired. I feel like I have no right to feel that. I'm so used to being "reliable" and "efficient" to others that I'm not sure if I know how to Not be what people expect of me.

Ive been trying not to smoke or stress-eat and instead just hit the gym to get rid of the stress and anxiety, but even that hasn't been enough.

I want to write. I want to draw. I wanna learn languages. I wanna study. I wanna chat. But I just don't have the energy to do the things that make me feel happy and healthy. even if I'm ironically already doing some of them. I feel like an ungrateful brat. especially since I'm surrounded by so many awesome people.

I'm really lucky to have you all. I love getting your messages, seeing your posts, writing with you. I'm so happy with how I've been developing bonds with people here. thank you so much for investing in me! i really do cherish and appreciate it. I just want to apologise for seeming so distant and emotionally unavailable, not to mention how long i take to reply sometimes. to those that have been nothing but kind and patient to me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope I can make it up to you!

I'm just really, really tired at the moment, and I'm not sure how to juggle through everything in my life right now. so I'm really sorry.

I wish I had dottore's skills so I could make clones of myself ngl. that'd be pretty neat

#ooc mobile.#tbd.#drug mention /#smoking mention /#food mention /#vent /#man idk this might be heavy for some people so pls dont feel like u have to read it #its just me bitching about being tired !#ill delete this later but i just needed to let it out Somewhere ;;;;;;;;;#thank you for your patience and im sorry for being a mess #ill get back to msgs and threads as soon as i can get some time #personal /

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ghost-proofbaby · 9 months

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ghost!!! i am sobbing weeping crying omg twenty four hours is coming to an end and it is so very bittersweet. i found 24hrs on ao3 and stayed up until three am binging it, then immediately went and followed you on tumblr, and ive been keeping track of it ever since. im not very good a tumblr since i only started using the app for fanfic last october, and i am one of those people that sometimes is ashamed of being a fangirl, so it’s almost unbelievable to me that i have a space where no one will know it’s me and i can enjoy whatever i want. im still trying to adjust to that, tell myself that it’s okay to repost fanfics and that this is a safe space. but twenty four hours has helped me with a LOT of that. before i used to kinda be ashamed to go on tumblr, but now i scroll it daily bcs i didn’t want to miss any updates on the fic. i also made the plunge and officially got an ao3 account, after oh about, seven or eight years of reading fan fiction practically non stop. so im getting there, and i just wanted you to know that twenty four hours helped me to get there.

and i think the main reason that twenty four hours has helped me get there is because of the quality of your writing. you write beautifully, intricately, and most of all—truthfully. ive never read an x reader that has felt so real, so fleshed out and most of all, relatable. i would find myself having internal monologue as i read from the ‘reader’s’ perspective and then the next paragraph would, sometimes word for word, have ‘reader’ think what i was thinking. this fic was also so healing, in a way. the way you used literary devices to describe such complicated situations had me often feeling relieved—like i had just let something go. as someone with a lot of baggage right now and who has a hard time believing they could ever be loved, it was at the very least comforting to have my insecurities and my negative qualities forgiven and proven untrue through ‘reader’ if that makes sense.

ik this is sappy as hell but i genuinely feel this way. your writing has moved me in a way that actual published books haven’t done for me in a while. so i just want to thank you for the time, effort, and thought that went into this fic. and secondly, i want to suggest the idea of adapting this into a novel to be published or a screenplay for a movie, in case no one has mentioned that to you or you haven’t thought of it. i really believe you have something good here, and with your talent, i could see you being very successful. this story of these two people—who both have internal wounds inflicted on themselves, each other, or from the past—who then grow more self aware and choose to be honest, even when it’s hard, is such a rare thing to see in literature or any kind of art. and i think the world needs more of that. bcs, like i said, this fic was more than just a fic to me. it touched me deeply. i cried, i laughed, and i reflected my own self. in short, it was a journey in more ways than one.

so thank you—for your art, for ‘reader’, and for eddie. i can’t wait for the epilogue and to read whatever stories you may have planned for the future.

(ps so sorry to have word vomited in your ask box.)

first and foremost — never apologize for word vomit in my ask box. i am always a-okay with that. 🖤

i don’t even know what to say. i have this terrible habit of putting a lot more of myself than i care to admit into both my readers and my ocs, and most of the time, it’s not the good parts. usually, it’s the absolute worst parts of myself. i take all the rot inside, and i throw it into these projections, and i try to justify how someone with those qualities would still be deserving of love. it’s always been a coping mechanism. always. and then i’ve always strived to be a better writer, make my words worth reading, because i know how much of myself i’ve put into it.

to know other people see themselves in reader or eddie or any character i write is both so strangely hopeful but also so saddening, and it just makes me want to give you the biggest hug 🫂

on the note of publishing, i have definitely considered it. it’s just a really scary journey to decide to take. but the day i do decide to take the plunge, whether with this story or any other i’ve written or any entirely new one, you all will be the first to know 🖤🖤🖤

thank you so so much for reading, for letting my writing touch your soul the way it has. i am so honored that this fic has had this type of affect on you. this message genuinely made me cry. i am sending you all the love. <3

#it’s that one poem by suzanne rivecca #‘it has to be perfect. it has to be irreproachable in every way.’#’why?’#’to make up for it. to make up for the fact that it’s me.’#in all seriousness this message made me ugly sob #i’ve got no words #thank u ily

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