#don't know if I've ever personally experienced that emotion but I've heard it happens to people so you know what here's to hoping

[vpgoldenrod]

Aziraphale's Haunted Look: On Being Forcibly Outed and Exiled From The Garden

While we're all talking about Aziraphale's reaction to the kiss, I'm surprised by those who thought Aziraphale looked disgusted because that's not an emotion I'd seen in him at all. There's sadness, and confusion, and anger, but I couldn't remember seeing disgust. When I watched the scene again I realized there's something else going on that really struck a chord with me. It's an uncomfortably familiar look.

He feels exposed. And I know what it feels like to be exposed in such a violent and intimate way.

Stay with me, I promise this is relevant to my analysis.

I didn't know what being transgender meant when I was a kid. Being raised in a fundamentalist Christian house meant that I wasn't exposed to those ideas, so I lived my life feeling like something was always just kind of broken. It was like I was looking right through the problem at other things, trying to alleviate symptoms without understanding why they existed in the first place. I eventually met other trans people, who gently nudged me in the direction of my truth. I even became aware that I had experienced some minor dysphoria. Every time I came close to acknowledging the truth however, my eyes would once again begin to glaze over the problem. I always managed to subconsciously shove it back into a little box and move on with my life. It was like I accidentally “did a big miracle” and hid this truth from myself so well that I continually forgot it was there.

Til one day I had an encounter that changed everything.

We're friends now but oddly enough, it was only meant to be a fling. I won't go into too many details because it's not just my story, but it was a lovely time that culminated with us meeting and doing what adults do. The person I was with, a cis man, silently clocked me the minute we were face to face. For reasons I now understand, without warning and in the middle of our shared intimate experience, he decided to talk dirty to me as if I were a gay man.

No one had ever spoken to me like that before. It had never occurred to me to ask anyone to do that, or that anyone would want to. I was in an intimate space and filled with the typical emotions and endorphins one has during sex, but it was a fling. I had walls up. So for the first time in my life, in this incredibly vulnerable position, someone grabbed me by my lapels and forced me to face a deep truth about myself that I'd spent decades silently dancing around. It was a blunt, irrefutable truth and it hit like a sucker punch to the solar plexus. He saw me when I was very much not trying to be seen, and there's few things more terrifying than that.

Even now, years later, I have such a hard time putting into words the overwhelming emotions I felt that night. There were so many, and yet somehow I can see every single one of the emotions I felt in Aziraphale's face when Crowley lets him go. My heart breaks all over again seeing how exposed he felt. He can barely make eye contact until he stumbles onto the one emotion that gives him his agency back: anger.

Gabriel shows up to the bookshop completely naked. When a bewildered Aziraphale points it out Gabriel says, “Who told you I was naked?”

But that's not how the story goes.

God looks for Adam in the garden, but he hides from her. He eventually tells God, “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid myself.”

Then God asks Adam, “Who told you you were naked?” And of course Adam knows he is naked because he ate the apple.

I've made jokes about Crowley being the apple that bit Aziraphale, but I forgot the bit that happens afterwards. He is aware of his own nakedness. He is exposed. To God, to Crowley, and to himself. As a result he is exiled from the safety of his Eden. Man, if this isn't the perfect analogy for being forcibly outed I don't know what is.

This show is so gay you guys.

#michael sheen deserves an emmy and also a hug #good omens #good omens 2 #aziraphale #crowley #do it again #neil gaiman #good omens analysis #amazon prime video #pay your actors #good omens spoilers #michael sheen #LGBT+

[weirdkpopgirl]

Not Okay | Renjun Imagine #2

Title: Not Okay

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Angst

Warnings: mentions of a make-out session, self-harm, mental health stuff :/

Word Count: 747

Author's Note: Firstly, thank you to the person who requested this. Honestly, I just started this story yesterday. But I was contemplating whether I should actually post it. Thanks to @flowerjun, I found the motivation to finish it today! As for the story, I have to warn you that what happens is not pretty. I don't even know what I was thinking about writing this. But I will admit that the emotions of the reader are mine. I've been in a very dark place recently, and I hope that none of you experience that. It's awful and sickening, and I hate myself every day. Mental illness is no joke, and if you are hurting, please please don't suffer in silence. Right now I'm secretly hoping you guys skip this author's note because I think this is the most real I've been on here lol. I'm so sorry.

��･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

The smacking of lips was the only sound that could be heard. Not that anyone else was there to walk in on possibly the steamiest makeout session you and your boyfriend have ever experienced. With you laying underneath him, and your arms wrapped around his neck while his hands were glued to your waist.

Just a few minutes ago, you were cuddling on the couch, and talking about his day. But when he tried to ask how you’d been, you leaned in for a passionate kiss. He was caught off guard because you rarely initiated affection due to your reserved nature, especially kisses. So as much as Renjun wanted this moment to last, he could sense something was off. 

At first, you thought Renjun just needed some air when you felt him pull away. But then he moved off of you. Though the room was dark, you could see a hint of concern in his eyes. 

“(Y/n),” He breathed. “What’s wrong?”

His question instantly caused knots to form in your stomach. But you tried to play it off with a suppressed laugh.

“Nothing! I just…I just missed you, that’s all.” You weren’t entirely lying. Honestly, you couldn’t remember the last time you were together for more than an hour. 

Regardless, Renjun didn’t buy your response. He wasn’t going to let you brush him off so easily. 

“Are you sure that’s it?” He asked gently. “Sweetheart, you can talk to me.”

Almost defensively, you pulled away when he took your hand. Dozens of curses were already flying in your head. You knew very well that Renjun wouldn’t let you go now.

You heard him suck in his breath. He truly hoped that you weren’t doing what he thought you were doing. But judging by your body language, he feared his suspicions were correct. A familiar heartache filled him.

“(Y/n), you didn’t…” His voice trailed off. 

The warm gaze he was giving you, was the same as the first time you opened up to him. You wondered how someone could look at you with such unconditional love. How could he still love you who was so…broken?

Once he felt the resistance gradually leave you, he cautiously reached for your hand again. Panic arose in your chest when he took hold of your wrist.

He paused to look up at you. “Can I?”

A shaky breath left you, before nodding. You didn’t say anything as he rolled your sweater sleeve up to your elbow. 

Renjun’s heart broke when he saw your pale arm, marred by past scars and…the next ones. The cuts were deeper this time, even though you didn’t mean for them to be. Tears welled up as his fingers ghosted over the angry crimson lines you inflicted on yourself.

“(Y/n)...”

You shook your head. “I lied. I’m really not okay.”

That was all Renjun needed to hear before he took you into his arms. He understood how hard it was for you to admit that. He held you closer as you sobbed into his shoulder.

Renjun always gave the best hugs. Even though it hurt to let out all the emotions you’ve been bottling up, the feeling of his arms wrapped securely around you felt good. A part of you longed to stay in his embrace forever.

Once you cried it all out, Renjun would search for your first-aid kit to tend to your cuts. As he did, you’d finally speak about all of your pent-up stress. 

“I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to burden you with my problems.” You whispered at the end.

He didn’t let this slide for a second. “You can never be a burden to me. All I want is for you to be happy and healthy, (Y/n).”

You watched as he finished with the last bandage and closed the red and grey pouch. Then he raised your hand to press his lips to yours in a tender kiss that melted your heart.

“I’m here now, and we’re going to get through this together,” Renjun said affirmatively. 

Never again. Never again would he let your dark thoughts capture you again, Renjun told himself. He knew better than anyone how detrimental having poor mental health could be. You might not be okay right now. But with him by your side, you knew you were going to be.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ

#nct dream imagines #nct dream angst #huang renjun #renjun x reader #renjun scenarios #renjun imagines #injunnie #nctzen #nct fics #renjun fic #czennie

[queen0fm0nsterz]

I saw you post about Seafarers, but to me, your finest work will always be Fifteen Notes to You, reread all of it the other day and... yeah, it still hits like a fucking bullet train.

I genuinely don't think it's possible to capture Mono's descent into insanity better than you did here. It reminds me a little of The Last Weekend from the anthology Inside no.9, in that, you know, both from the story itself and the context it exists in, that it won't have a happy ending, but the humanization of the characters just forces you to cling to hope that something will go right. But that rarely, if ever, happens in The Nowhere.

FNTY... Now THAT'S a name I haven't heard in years...

Thank you so much!!!! I'm super grateful to see folks still enjoy my old stories :)it seems to be the general consensus even among my friends that FNTY is the best complete fic I've put out. Reading thru the comments, I remember one of a person who told me that it made them cry - and the comment made ME cry LMAOOOOOOO😭

I'm very proud of it myself as it was not only my first published fic, but my first multichaptered fic I ever completed as well. Though I am a slow writer (SEAFARERS CHAPTER 5 IS IN THE WORKS😭), for FNTY it was never because I had excessive trouble figuring out what to put on paper - especially never when in regards to the letters themselves. The most troubling parts were the in betweens, funnily enough.

Mono and Thin Man come very naturally to me when writing. I think it may be because I tend to interpret them as having very big feelings... like myself, I guess. And since the story itself is short, I suppose that I managed to make the thing itself feel like there are many big feelings in a tiny box. I will admit I got emotional myself a couple of times... then went on to edit like nothing was wrong LMAOOOO like this is how I looked writing and then editing vvv

For Seafarers, the emotional payoff has yet to come, and it will be different -- considering we have World's Most Emotionally Constipated Woman and Our Strongest Soldier (the PTSD has yet to hit because she's still actively experiencing the horrors) as the protagonists this time.

Six and the Lady are both considerably harder to write for me. I had my chance to write the Big Feeler at the very beginning because the stakes there were skyrocketing from the getgo, but now things have gotten considerably more... silent. The feelings are there but they're all kept in. OUGHHHHHHHHH

I also can't wait to introduce more stuff; I've been writing down concepts for shadow magic and powers, how the Maw works, the various things the Lady of the Maw has to look after to keep it afloat... and the Ladies. Look, I'll say that I'm really happy with what I'm doing with Teapot and Rascal. And with Teapot in general. I really like the characterization I pulled out of my ass LMAOOOOOO and the DESIGN... ok so I'm willing to share a couple of the Teapot's I've doodled

(She's genuinely very silly [read: sick in the head]... i gave all the Ladies some nice additional details because. Ik the point is that they all look very similar but I love designing outfits fuck it this is MY au i do what I want)

So right now I have a suspicion that Seafarers will hit better when it's finished and can be read from beginning to end. Since it's longer (I plan it to be... around 15 chapters? A bit longer if the events require it to be.), there will be more time to let the stuff brew until it reaches its climax as intended.

#carols.txt #Seafarers (Lady Mom AU) #ftny #my writing #{HELP IM SORRY YOU DID *NOT* ASK FOR ALL OF THIS #i went off the rails... #anyway. thank you SO much #so so much #all i can say is the grind never stops and i always strive to get better #seafarers is a different genre so i dont expect it to draw the same reactions out of people but im sure it #will find its crowd👹 #again off the rails but i remember peeps commenting that they liked my characterization of the Lady and that had me twirling my hair #giggling like omggg.... fr.... really... thank you! i know her personally and intimately #you could say carnally #HELP #shes so nice to me i would bake her the uncooked beans in the cans ... shes my baked bean (she's high) #INFKDKGMGH #someone send help for six because at this rate she'll lose her mind before the whole 《ladyfication》 process is even beginning}

[jibbi]

Matt Walsh Wrongly Calls Out Someone Who's Ace

So, ever since last month, I've been a bit heated about Matt Walsh making a video on (or close to) Valentine's Day putting down an asexual girl briefly speaking in an article about what she enjoys doing on Valentine's Day for herself. Listen, I'm heated about most things this man says and how hateful he is, especially towards anyone - mainly us trans folks - in the LGBT+ community. But the fact that he constantly says how we sexualize so many other people and things yet completely contradicts his usual narrative by insulting someone who isn't even interested in sex just really struck an extra nerve.

I was happy to see The Queer Kiwi and Annamarie Forcino recently call him out on this video, but I wanted to bring some more attention to it, speaking from my own experience as an aro-ace person and what I've learned. I feel like there's hardly ever enough light shined on aro-ace folks, but we certainly didn't deserve a negative light shined on us by Matt Walsh, one of the most massive bigots out there.

Touching on Demi Romantics/Sexuals

So Matt had read direct definitions about being asexual and aromantic, and one of the sub-labels that was defined within that definition was demisexuality and demiromanticism. Of course Matt had to make a comment about this, saying how making a friend and falling in love with them is a normal person's emotions and experience.

However, I will say I do understand where that misguidance comes from, considering it's what I originally thought too when trying to gain an understanding of demisexuality (even Annamarie expressed this misunderstanding in her video, too). So let me just give a breakdown on why this is a common notion amongst people who don't fully understand demisexuality/demiromanticism:

It's a very common plot in fictional romance for two people who are already friends (or who develop a friendship) to fall in love with each other. And naturally, when people think of a common romance story, they think of that plot and/or maybe it's something they themselves have experienced or want to experience. So, they think just about everyone else also feels that way or has had that same/similar experience. But, the truth of the matter is, that's not necessarily what everyone wants and/or has and most importantly, it's not something allo folks need to build a relationship.

Lemme explain. For allo people, it can be a want but it's not a needed thing in order for them to simply develop any sort of romantic and/or sexual attraction to someone. That's the biggest thing. Demisexual and demiromantic people absolutely need that deep platonic connection with someone in order to develop that desire for a romantic relationship or sex life with them.

A lot of allo people are able to look at someone or know someone for a very short span of time, and desire that sexual and/or romantic relationship with them, feel that attraction to them without knowing them well. That isn't something that happens for demi rom/sexual people.

Asexual people aren't miserable & narcissistic

Matt talks about how ace people live sad, pathetic lives just because they're don't want sex and, are making up a label just to mask their low libido or want for sex but not getting it and to feel good about themselves since they're narcissists.

Man, that is one of the stupidest things I think I've ever heard. Asexuals don't necessarily need to experience sex to be happy, hence why they're asexuals. Also, that is exactly what Odel Pax is trying to get across in the article - she's asexual but that doesn't wreck her Valentine's Day.

Also, I feel like the word "narcissist" gets tossed around so much without fully understanding how serious of a term it is and what actual signs of being a narcissist are. For instance, a very big sign of a narcissist is having a strong disregard for other's emotions and having no problem manipulating their emotion's for their own personal gain. That's not what LGBT+ people do. They're just trying to live their lives and shine a spotlight on their identity to bring awareness about what they experience in hopes of helping and educating others.

Matt often tries to say that people in the LGBT+ community are narcissists because they're "entitled" and all they want is attention yet can't take harsh feedback, when that's not the case at all considering so many bigots - like him - say such foul things about them and make them more oppressed. Like, why would anyone want that? Why would anyone fake being queer for attention when half of it is extremely negative attention that includes threats? Yet here he is saying they're the least oppressed people to walk this earth.

Also, sexual attraction and libido are not the same thing. Libido is someone's sex drive; that natural bodily sense of needing that pleasure that sex gives. Sexual attraction mainly refers to that want for sex, especially with another person. For instance, in my own experience, sometimes I do have that bit of a sex drive because it's something my body naturally sees as a need but do I often feel a sexual attraction? No, not really. Having actual sex with someone isn't something I enjoy much at all, and I often don't feel sexually attracted to others. But, seeing as how this is something I can't control - I've just always been this way - I'm asexual. It's not a chosen thing or something I see as made up when it's an actual emotion I feel and have no control over.

I think a decent analogy for what I said is when you need a drink after a run you just went on. Your body needs the fluid but someone only has a drink for you that you don't like. However, it's all you have and it's still a drink. So you still drink it even though you don't really like the taste. That's what it's like when your libido increases but you're on the ace-spec. (Also, just to clarify, just because someone's libido has risen doesn't mean they necessarily want to or feel comfortable satisfying that need/craving).

Romantic Attraction & Sexual Attraction are different

I feel like this isn't hard to understand. Matt says these two are "synonymous" but they aren't. There's a reason why I've been separating the words aromantic and asexual throughout this breakdown of his video - because they're different. You aren't romantically attracted to every person you're sexually attracted to, and vice versa. This applies to people who aren't even on the a-spec. Annamarie explains this is her video, too. I too do not get how Matt doesn't understand this concept.

He also states that when you tell someone you want to date them but don't want sex with them you have given them no useful information. Like what. That's directly explaining that you are romantically attracted to this person but not sexually attracted. Not all relationships involve sex nor need to. You don't have to have sex with someone to love them or vice versa.

Conclusion

Matt Walsh as usual calls someone out who he doesn't understand and doesn't make the effort to understand. He wrongly stated things about an asexual person and said they're not asexual - those aren't facts, that's just him making things up and spewing his own opinion.

Matt doesn't care about the LGBT+ community and he'll keep stating all these wrong, made up things about us. He's not smart, he's hateful, so don't let him tell you who you are.

I'm always glad to advocate for my community. I wanted to call him out and properly explain things on the a-spec. I'd love to do posts about his terrible opinions on trans people and other gay people, but that would take a very long time seeing as how he targets them even more than the aro-ace community within the LGBT+ community.

#aroace #aroace and proud #ace pride #aro pride #ace #aro #asexual #aromantic #a spec #lgbt #lgbt pride #matt walsh #the daily wire #fuck matt walsh

[the-music-maniac]

I was thinking about Bingliushen today, y'know, as you do, because of this awesome (and true) post here and was abruptly reminded of the complaints I've heard about Bingliushen on this basis, mostly that they can't see it happening between Binghe and Qingge and that it's unrealistic.

First of all, valid! People absolutely don't need to ship it, or think it's plausible tbh, fandom is fun because there are differing opinions.

But I still did want to talk about why I find the ship so compelling, since part of the reason I love it so much is BECAUSE it's so unlikely.

I want to preface this by saying first that I don't actually think LBH and LQG falling for each other is impossible, as some people do, since I think that's the biggest protest with this ship. People don't seem to have as much of an issue believing LiuShen. Anyways, I just think that LBH and LQG ending up as a thing is only merely difficult. That's kind of an important distinction.

And the reason is because I really don't think Luo Binghe is only capable of truly loving (in a general sense) one person as an adult (specified adult because we do see that he loved his mother as a kid. He's also fond of Ning Ying Ying as a child but we see that they're not as close when he comes back cause of the murdery demon thing). That does appear to be the case in the story because the man is VERY intense when it comes to Shen Qingqiu, but I think that's more of a result of all the trauma he experienced as a kid, and the abandonment issues. He fell for Shen Qingqiu as an impressionable child - through no fault of Shen Qingqiu obviously because he fully viewed Luo Binghe as a disciple and wasn't grooming him or anything (also they're cultivators so they're technically immortal? How does age differences work in that case?). Shen Qingqiu in that instance was the one person in his world as a teen, the first person outside immediate family to ever tell him he's not a monster for being a demon - and also someone who's considered more valuable than Binghe - a lauded, accomplished authority figure I suppose. Someone important who sees value in Binghe when he's been told he's worth nothing. The instances of being left behind by his mother (cause she died obvi) and then by one of the only other people who cared for him - pushing him off a cliff to die because he's a demon (or so he believes) has to fuck with your head. And if you love the person the amount Luo Binghe appears to, well I understand being intense once you finally get them back. To an unhealthy level tbh, but then again this man needs so much therapy in general 😅. Get you some healthy coping mechanisms and healing, good sir! Also it's just occuring me as I'm saying all of it that it sounds like I'm calling Luo Binghe out for having daddy issues (parental issues?) but like. I'm sorry but he kinda does.

So, I don't think anyone is only capable of loving a singular person, but, as I mentioned before, because this is their (LBH and SQQ's) love story, we only focus on them. LBH does have the capacity to rebuild a support system, to make friends, expand the amount of people who care about him and who he cares about. Basically my point is that I believe even though he doesn't have other close emotional relationships with people by the end of the book, that he potentially COULD. I also want to mention that the concept of polyamory for Binghe to me, in terms of only as sexual relationship in the beginning at least, is also not outside the realm of possibility, just cause of the existence of Bingge. We know he doesn't love anyone in that version of him, and it could be argued that matters change because he does love SQQ, but regardless, the fact is there that a version of Binghe does engage in polygamy. He is okay with multiple partners, that's not some huge hang-up or random morality issue for him. So the idea of LBH agreeing to a threesome with LQG and SQQ because he thinks SQQ would like it, isn't remotely impossible in my books.

It's hard to say if LQG is open to a relationship with multiple partners, we don't see much of his relationship preferences beyond the fact that he likes SQQ, but I can regardless see him being the type of person that grits his teeth and hangs around just to see SQQ and tries his best to get along with LBH cause it makes SQQ unhappy that they hate each other. I can see him noticing despite himself, LBH who, now that the situation is no longer so dire, challenges him and is on par, can defeat him over and over, merely because it's been so long since he's had a real challenge, has hit an immovable wall. Tbh LQG doesn't really give the time of day to people who haven't either helped him in some way (SQQ) or people who can match him in a fight. What is it like to find someone who actually gives him a run for his money? And what is it like seeing the downtime of LBH while he's there for SQQ's company, enough to realize that this man on top of being a demon that everyone in the sects laud as evil, partakes in those ordinary domestic things that every person does? What is it like to slowly be able to see that SQQ really isn't in any danger from LBH, and ending up on random errands with him in the name of peacekeeping, realizing they might actually work together well as a team? The hilarious thing is I'm pretty sure one of LQG's love languages is literally just. Violence. Fighting for SQQ's body back. Protecting those he cares about with force. Hunting for rare monsters to bring back. Shit like that. And y'know what? That's a language both LBH and LQG speak fluently. Very fluently. They can understand each other so easily. And I think that's something that LQG would be taken aback by in a good way.

Also if I'm going to be honest, as weird as it sounds, I'm pretty sure LBH is going to be the hold up in the getting along thing. Because at where canon ended: he had already won. He's with the person he loves. There isn't much incentive for him to be nice to LQG beyond not wanting SQQ to be disappointed. SQQ married him, chose him, regardless of what happens, SQQ is probably not going to leave LBH out of the two. Harsh, but solid logic. And his dislike of the other man is entirely connected to the fact that LQG likes SQQ and LBH has abandonment issues for days (for good reason tho I will say).

LQG on the other hand has acknowledged that LBH has won, and so he likely is also thinking along the same lines - I have more at stake here because if SQQ were forced to choose, no way would he choose me over the man he married. He really does have more incentive to get along with LBH. Not only that, a large part of his animosity also appeared to stem from worry about SQQ. Like he seemed to have fought LBH for SQQ's body back cause he thought LBH was doing some fucked up shit, being selfish etc. LQG doesn't seem the type to hold grudges. He dislikes LBH because it repeatedly and actively hurts to see him with SQQ - it's an anger and hatred that stems from softer emotions like the knowledge that he lost the man he loves, that he wasn't good enough (and here is where I cry btw). It's to protect himself from the emotional hurt. One that could potentially be alleviated by growing closer to both SQQ and LBH. Meanwhile at the beginning LBH is a kind of cold, smug dislike. So he really is the hold out. But again, the previous things I have said about how LBH doesn't only have the capacity to care about one person, coupled with his previous chill attitude towards sexual relations and polyamory and his rather obsessive need to please SQQ - I can very much see LBH agreeing to a threesome to make SQQ happy, and to taunt LQG, and then being slowly surprised at how much he doesn't actually?? Hate this??? SQQ doesn't love him any less or appear to have any thoughts of leaving him, and meanwhile he has this hot dude in his bed sounds like a win for everyone lmao

So anyways, that's kinda point one: I think it's very improbable, not impossible. It takes a very specific sequence of events. But it can happen.

Two:

I fully believe LQG and LBS are not soulmates or anything of the sort, since it does tend to be the general assumption within stories like this (xianxia and even wuxia), that there is the existence of soulmates, the red string of fate, a predetermination that these people will eventually care for each other, something more set in stone, or even of 缘分 (Yuán fen) where it's not fated in the sense that it's set in stone, but fated in that there is a high probability or an affinity for a relationship, or a meeting and event.

The point is that, certainty in a lot of stories, the concept of falling for each other no matter what, over and over, is a theme and viewed as romantic. And it absolutely is! I love stories where people end up together - in any capacity, doesn't have to be platonic - in every conceivable scenario. Hell, that's why I love reading AU's. And while it's not canonical that Binghe and Qingqiu are fated, while if anything their relationship is also a one in a million chance, people in the fandom still seem view BingQiu as soulmates. Or at least probable in the story. Valid. I mean it's hard to argue with the fact that they did indeed canonically fall in love against all odds - that is in character for them because this story is their love story.

But here's what drives me absolutely crazy in the best way about Liu Qingge and Luo Binghe's relationship: within the premises of canon (where LBH is damn possessive about SQQ and doesn't like LQG for that reason, and meanwhile LQG doesn't like LBH cause he thinks he's immoral and also cause he loves SQQ) they are the most unlikely, out of the left field, came out of absolutely nowhere to blindside you with the sheer depth of your emotions, type of love. They are the relationship that peak lords gossip about - "SQQ made sense, he was always fond of LBH, but LQG???? He was always the most vocal about his hatred. Well I never-" etc. Etc. They would be the relationship that shakes LQG and LBH's understanding of themselves and how the world around them functions to the core: because neither of them could've imagine in a million years that they had the capacity to view their greatest enemy with the tenderness of love. The sheer audacity of it, of suggesting these bitter romantic rivals could grow to love each other to match what they feel for SQQ - that's the good shit.

After all, while SQQ and LBH were also unlikely, they were only that because LBH was a fictional character up until Shen Yuan died. Even as a disciple LBH knew he liked SQQ, this man fully saw that one coming. And SQQ may be oblivious as fuck romantically, but even so he did acknowledge that he was already fond of LBH. They most certainly did go through hardships and obstacles to get where they are - but always with the acknowledgement that loving each other was never the hard part. It was always everything else.

So there's point two of why I like the unlikeliness of BingLiuShen - because loving each other is the difficult path for LBH and LQG. With the bitterness of everything that had passed, falling is not the part that is easy. And it shakes the laws of this universe. It makes LBH and LQG question everything. It makes them wonder what they know about the world, the rigid lines of black and white they've lived in, and their stubborn ideas that love can only ever be a finite source that will run out if you spread too widely. And not only that, it may help with LBH's abandonment issues - to have two people willingly choose him against all odds - one who actually started off hating him. And in the process, his level of attachment to SQQ might become a little healthier. Like I get that it is a story so no judgement here, but it can't be good for LBH to place his entire value of the world all in one singular person. That's hard on both SQQ and LBH. In making LBH question his worldview and viewpoints on love and relationships, it may be the thing that kickstarts him letting other people in in a platonic capacity as well. And as for LQG's worldview, it would be nice to show him that there can incandescent happiness in this life, not merely just contentment with his usual rigid routine. To give him a happy ending, truly. This is just a fancy way of saying he makes my heart hurt so I want to give him two boyfriends the end.

The enemies to friends to lovers trope also ties into this and is so compelling because it also requires so much character growth to occur for it to work. Like not only is their worldview shaken, but both LQG and LBH need to change as people (for the better) for them to even consider making a relationship with all three of them work out in the long run. People don't hate each other for no reason, there is almost always some Bad Thing™ that occurs to make them dislike each other, be it rivalry (love rivalry in this case) an outside force (their respective groups are enemies) or because they hate some aspect of the other person. It involves acting on their worst instincts - pushing someone away from jealousy, hurting each other because they let anger take over. For that to become love, requires WORK. It requires each character to actively notice their own biases, choose of their own volition to correct themselves, to change and possibly become better as they get to come to understand their "enemy". They have to choose to lay down their arms, every single step of the way. That is so difficult to do. So unlikely. So improbable. As I said before, it's the harder path. And yet they walk it, and if they succeed, I think that's something so precious because it was so quietly and fiercely fought for.

Anyways this is getting long as fuck so while I have some more to say about BingLiuShen as a whole, I think I'll end this here. Thank you so much for reading!

#bingliushen #liubingshen #liu qingge #luo binghe #shen qingqiu #meta #talking about ships #ot3 #svsss

[fleshsigil]

the sky may be - review

//content warning: discussion of depression/dysphoria/mental illness

"The sky may be Behind all the clouds; But there are only clouds And there will only be clouds - forever"

the sky may be might be one of the most utterly harrowing, powerful and beautiful things i've ever listened to. i don't rate music with numbers because that's stupid, but this is solidly one of the most impactful pieces of music i've heard in years. the sky may be is an 8-song album from renowned noise artist xandra metcalfe, a.k.a uboa, self-released in 2018.

i wondered if it was even worth reviewing this album in the first place. the anger and desperation and agony present in its ~30min runtime is almost hard to put into words, and the content is so raw and personal, but it had so much of an impact on me that i really wanted to give it credit where credit was due. the majority of the album contains these breakdowns of crackling, deafening digital and mechanical harsh noise interspersed with choirs and gorgeous, rich ambience. in terms of vocals, they range from gut-punching, deadpan spoken word deliveries to nearly incomprehensible screaming.

listening to the sky may be is incredibly cathartic for me, as someone who really struggles with a lot of the same things xandra touches on, and there's no doubt that nothing can be compared to the pure, unrelenting anguish present on this album. i don't think any music i've ever heard has even come close to portraying this kind of feeling. i don't think this can be lumped in as "sad music" when it's undoubtedly in a class of its own. nothing can compare to the display of raw emotion that happens here. it is deafening, unrelentingly bleak, euphorically crushing. the lyrical content details self-hatred, isolation, deep depression, and the anger that stems from mental illness in a way that only someone who has experienced them can write and perform. i don't know if what i've experienced and am experiencing is on the same level as xandra's experiences, but i feel like i can empathize with this kind of music on a deeper level than anything else. the frantic screaming, the explosions of digital glitching and cacophonic noise, the soul-crushing depth, the moments of quiet, pained soliloquy convey these specific emotions in such an immediate and boundlessly effective way; i've listened to this album countless times, purely because nothing else is able to match the intensity and type of emotions i'm feeling. it's beautiful. it hurts. it oozes overwhelming darkness with brief glimmers of hope. it feels like how depression feels. i love it dearly and hate it with my whole heart at the same time.

despite how personal this album is, i'm infinitely grateful that xandra released it so that people in a similar situation had a source of catharsis and something to relate to, to cling to, in a sea of otherwise unrelenting darkness. this album has had such an impact on my life, and i hope that the people who need it will find this album somehow, through this review or otherwise.

thank you, uboa.

LINKS TO ALBUM ON SPOTIFY AND BANDCAMP BELOW

(i post music recommendations sometimes, if you want more of that kind of thing, you should follow me)

(PS: i will try to do a happier album that's not about crushing depression for the next review)

#indie music #harsh noise #noise music #uboa #music review #music recs #electronic music #industrial music #music #Bandcamp #Spotify

[chicken-fifi]

Don’t Regret | Wonho Imagine

Pairing: Shin Hoseok x Reader

Requested by anon: Can you do a Wonho oneshot based on his song Don't Regret? 🙏🏽 I miss him so much 🥲

Genre: angst(?)

Word Count: 538 words

A/n: i actually hadn't heard this song yet (i've been slacking, ik). but it was worth hearing it for the first time i'll tell you that. sooooo good

Tunes: our planet season 1 on netflix

You and Hoseok had always sworn to one another that despite whatever happened between the two of you in your relationship, neither of you would ever regret a single thing. That was a promise the two of you had made from the start. No matter what, you wouldn’t regret your love for one another.

All of the pain, the arguing, the insults, the anger, the love, the happiness, the full range of emotions, none of those were things you wanted to forget or erase from your life no matter how much they all hurt you in the end. Why?

You were happy.

You both were.

And it was a happiness that only came once in a lifetime.

So when the two of you ran into each at a grocery store. The same one where it all began all those years ago. In that very same aisle, reaching for the last container of protein powder, you couldn’t have been happier.

Hoseok looked great; different from what you could remember, but great. The boyish looks had faded, morphing into those of an experienced man who’d lived through some of the most tumultuous years of his life in his mid-twenties. You couldn’t help but feel proud of how much he’d changed and grown, for you knew none of that would’ve been possible if the two of you were still together. 

The same was true for you in his mind. You’d grown and changed just as much. All for the better.

There weren’t any words to be said between the two of you for the first few moments, until a small laughter erupted between the two of you.

“It’s so good to see you after so long,” you finally breathed. “You look great, apart from the clear sleep deprivation.”

He smiled softly, “You do too.”

Both of you stood in the aisle talking catching up as fast you could in those few short moments you both had to spare before continuing on with your lives. As silence began to fall on the two of you once again, a small tension present as you both began dancing around the elephant between the two of you.

While you had both sworn yourself to the promise of no regrets, and you were both certain you were keeping your ends of the deal, there was no concrete way of knowing if the other was as well without asking - which was, frankly, quite weird.

“I don’t regret anything. Just like we promised we wouldn’t,” you finally spoke after a moment too long.

“Same here,” he added. “And I will never regret it. I was happy with you for so long.”

Going back to standing in front of one another in complete silence, you nodded, reaching out and patting his arm, leaving the protein powder for him to grab. Without another word you both gave each other one final smile before going your separate ways once more.

Even if all you had were memories of the past, simple things that you would never get to relive with the same person once again, you don’t regret a single thing you experience. You don’t regret a single thing you learned along the way. You could never regret love. Never ever.

#ksoloist #ksoloist imagines #ksoloist scenarios #wonho #shin hoseok #wonho masterlist #shin hoseok masterlist #wonho imagines #wonho scenarios #shin hoseok imagines #shin hoseok scenarios

[amidalis]

Pet Loss Grief Ease?

Personal post, you can ignore if you want but I have to type out my feelings.

I lost my cat, Pearl who I had for 11 years. I acutally got her as a grief therapy resolution when my close family member died of childhood cancer. She served more than her purpose, and made me feel unconditional love every single day. I just feel so lost right now, and I am really hurting. A lot. I had such a close bond with Pearl, and she was attached to me by the hip. She was the happiest, most affectionate, creampuff of a cat I've ever known or heard of.

Pearl got very sick very fast this weekend, and was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. This was a shock and devastating to us, because she showed absolutely no signs and was always happy and showed normal functioning until her last day at home when she had very labored breathing. We brought her to the animal hospital for it right away, but she had a lot of fluid in her lungs and stayed overnight so that it could drain and she was diagnosed that night.

The next day she showed improvement after being given medications. I asked the vet if it was selfish to keep her here on Earth, just because I wanted her. I did not want her to be in pain or suffer. But we were advised that it was not at that point at all. We were told that she could have a good quality of life for however long it would be if it was 6 months...a year...years, and she would just take medication for the rest of her life. It was devastating to hear, but I made peace with that. I was ready to do whatever I needed to to care for her.

Unfortunately, Pearl took a turn for the worst that night when her lungs filled with fluid again despite all efforts, and the vet called to alert me. While we were on our way to the hospital, the vet called me to tell me that her heart gave out, and she was gone.

When we arrived at the hospital, I already decided that I DID NOT want to see Pearl while she was gone. I knew it would just be too traumatizing. I did not need to see her lifeless. All I wanted were her print stamps, and to sign the paperwork, and just leave and mourn and just cry. But a nurse ran to us, and told us they were able to bring Pearl back, and rushed us so that we could be with her...Pearl passed away LITERALLY just before I walked through the doors of the room. And I saw her. I just broke the fuck down and cried and cried and cried as sick animals in the ICU around me were in pain and howling and screaming. It was so traumatizing and haunting.

My question is, if you experienced pet loss was there anything that helped you? I'm really struggling right now with my emotions. Relieved that this happened at the hospital where Pearl received the best care and her pain was eased. Thankful that I could tell something was not right, and that she didn't have to pass away at home while we'd be in shock and screaming in horror not knowing what was going on and she would be panicked and in pain. Angry that I spent thousands of dollars, and she still couldn't be saved. Guilty, because I should not just want her to hang in there for me, and if her little heart couldn't handle it anymore... it was her time to go. Absolutely devastated that I lost my baby, and my other poor cat Pepper is so confused and wondering where Pearl went and why we are crying all the time.

I just don't know what to do right now, so if anyone has any tips or things that they did to help with the grief of losing a pet, please let me know. I already bought a real pearl ring to remember her, and printed out pictures of her and framed them which made me feel a little better, but not really.

#kiki speaks #cats #pet loss #grief #tw: death #pets

[ultrvmonogamy]

I may be dum or sumthing but what does ur last post even mean can you clarify plz? (about slander)

no i'm dumb bc i forgot to turn my anons back off 🙃

it's likely that i did not express myself v well at least for the casual reading audience, so plz don't think ur dumb on acct of my likely convoluted wording.

i just spent the better part of a couple hrs (more if u include the preparation of factual evidence) elaborating a particular situation to someone and am now fried n shaky n recovering from feeling utterly disgusted by it all. when and if i ever address that situation w a wider audience, i wish to do so in a manner that does not cause undue injury to anyone involved, all of whom as far as i know already feel personally harmed.

i made the post ur referring to, however, in a more general sense bc there has been a rash of similar situations (in no way related to me personally), especially of late it seems (although it could be that it's just always like this here but i simply was not as keenly aware until experiencing it for myself).

i'm not sure who will or won't be able to access the link i've pasted below, but i would urge literally everyone to at least give its contents a quick read (it's p concise and includes references) if u've not recently examined any statistics abt lying. in fact, it'd be wonderful if u were to do that (or search for statistics abt when, how often, n why ppl lie if the link doesn't work for u) before continuing to read this response:

https://www.crossrivertherapy.com/research/lying-statistics

ppl talk a lot of shit around here it turns out, n there seems to be no shortage of recent examples whereby they enter dms n make claims abt others that r undoubtedly sometimes valid n other times spurious, but if i were to guess then most often they fall somewhere in between. the thing abt that in between territory--which btw is where i would say most of life happens--is that it's incredibly easy to spin. half truths, curated portions of conversations, feigned contexts, emotionally charged appeals to principle n such can sway opinions 180º in an instant.

from there some portion of the ppl that received dms go on to further propagate and act upon what they were told, and much like the telephone game (is that even still a thing ppl know abt?) the message that's spread grows increasingly distorted. perhaps these next generations feel they r righteously fulfilling a duty to others by continuing to spread the message they heard (which is to say it might not even be the message they actually received), perhaps they connected to it on a personal level bc of their own past experiences, perhaps they simply enjoy spreading hurtful rumors, or perhaps they r driven by any number of other motivations. in the end i'm not sure to what extent that even matters.

but unlike in the telephone game where the original message's basis in reality is of no import whatsoever n the distortions that have occurred by the end of the chain only serve as often humorous examples to demonstrate just how lossy an unregulated flow of information can be, in this context of social media (and even more emphatically in the kink community where every last one of us is contending w some kind of emotional damage, baggage, disease, active abuse situation, or similar, every part of this misguided process has the capacity for absolutely grave consequence even extending far beyond personal character assassination.

each and every one of us here is vulnerable to both sides of this. i'd wager that each n every one of us has some trigger or another such that when confronted w some specific claim, our stomachs drop n our guts turn in a manner where logic n critical thinking go out the window n r nowhere to be found by the time we've acted on an emotional response, whether or not its premise is sound. and i'd wager just the same that all of us have aspects of our pasts and/or presents that if cast in a certain light can appear smth ranging from sketch to gross to absolutely vile. some of us were not involved of our own volition, some r haunted incessantly by regret or wishes that we'd known better or handled things differently, and some of us would not have entered into given situations if we'd known what we were getting into. some of us were understandably naive, while others of us should reasonably have known better. some of us were drunk or high or otherwise compromised in faculty. some of us simply brush it off n march on while others work w every breath to grow and do better and others still r simply awful human beings.

u cannot know a person's character by looking at a snapshot of their life. u cannot presume to know their motivations, which in fact they may not even know or have known themselves. and u most certainly cannot know the truth of what actually did or did not transpire based on someone's word alone. furthermore, it is quite possible that a person who has originally made a claim against another might at once be making such a claim in earnest yet also in error. on a personal level, i have wondered for what will soon have been 4 months whether or not a person who claimed smth abt me actually believes the thing they said to me and others--tho actually i do not know specifically what they said to others, but i do know what they said to me is incontrovertibly factually untrue (but to be clear i am disinclined to believe that they did so w malicious intent).

anyway, i digressed a bit there at the end, but my point is that the importance of due diligence in seeking the available facts, even if ultimately one can only make a subjective judgment call based on those facts, cannot be overstated. there's too fucking much at stake.

my quip abt ppl requiring more info in blog bios than they do before slandering is that ppl r relentless beating pots n pans and demanding genders and age ranges and political views and pronouns in a bloggers bio or else don't even fucking look at the blog bc it's not for u (although for some unclear reason it doesn't seem to matter if ppl's anons might be children or nazis or child molesters), yet some of the same ppl r apparently content to conspire in the shadows, load their own guns as they provide ammunition to others, n start pointing n shooting at they don't even rly know who or rly know why and (at least some of the time, which i know through personal experience) haven't even begun to invest any semblance of diligent investigation into the matter first.

so, yeah, i don't know who needs to hear it, but wrt the ppl who do need to hear it, i rly don't know wtf they imagine themselves to be doing and i feel v strongly that they need to put some critical thought into it all.

i hope that helps, and also i hope it's coherent n not riddled w confusing grammatical error n whatnot.

thank u for caring enough to ask (assuming u didn't ask w the intent of harvesting smth to use against me, bc yes y'all rly do have me that paranoid now).

#mail #anon #ts #oc

[aroaceconfessions]

it's been a long time since I've had a crush on anyone, and even now I'm not sure I'd call what I'm experiencing right now a "crush." i just enjoy the excitement of finding someone attractive.

I'm aroace, but the ace part tends to be demisexual (and it fluctuates lol), so i usually just opt to say aro or aroallo, depending on the situation or space I'm in. even more than sex tho, i mostly enjoy emotional and physical intimacy, so sensuality and trust and deep friendships / companionships. aesthetic attraction is a real kicker of a bonus tho.

people who i find attractive on all those traits are few and far between, and when it happens (say 2 or 3 times a year? if that??? that's probably being generous) it's just the most confusing thing I've ever experienced. like, why am I thinking about them so much? i barely know them. why do i wish i could stalk them on Instagram just to learn more about them from a distance? it's probably the aro in me, and probably some fear of disappointment; like, what if i really build up this person in my head only for them to be extremely uninteresting or incompatible?

none of those things are the worst thing in the world, and I'm glad i know all that now (i certainly did not have the capacity to deal with any of this growing up). but it's still hard to feel any of this and not be able to talk about it with the people in my life. most of my friends and coworkers and roommates are allo. I'm scared of talking about it with them only to hear that it must be romantic or something. sometimes i just want to express my thoughts and feelings, confusion, etc. and not have it be something that needs to be defined or "fixed." I'm just looking for excitement in a stranger that i enjoyed talking to a few times, and my brain likes to fill that gap with "well what if they're also really nice and would cuddle with you and you enjoyed spending time with them??" because maybe i like having that in my life ok?

i just don't like most alloromantic approaches to any sort of relationship, so I'm always afraid that they're going to say things with a lot of amatanormative assumptions, all of which i do not have the energy to sift through or push back against. i just want to express my feelings without being judged or given unsolicited advice. i just want to feel heard, and maybe even understood.

i have aro and/or ace friends online and they're super cool as well. I'm just also afraid that the thoughts and feelings I've been experiencing will make me "not aro enough."

so I'm afraid to tell basically anyone I know. and that feels really crappy.

#aromantic #asexual #aroace #arospec #acespec #aspec #aroacespec #arose #demisexual #amatonormativity #aphobia #arophobia

[pianostarinwonderland]

ive seen ch3 ever since its release in jp and i happen to like it (for octatrio and other reasons) so i kept watching it

azuls breakdown always made me feel so much but even now

playing through it in eng by myself i literally started crying when i saw it

perhaps it was the way his voice wavered or that i can really relate recently or that scream (atsushi tamarus so talented istg)

but i just cant help but sympathize and lrkefgkjfkdlwk sorry for ranting like this ig im just oh my god

I had to sit on these asks because I have so many words about chapter 3 and Azul's breakdown.

First of all, I'm with you guys on the "cried because of book 3". Don't be sorry for ranting to me because fuck, I can relate with this deeply. Now, I won't say I cried cried. My eyes were dry the entire time, but every time I go through that particular scene, I always feel like I can't speak afterwards or else you'll hear the tears in my voice. And it did happen actually. One time, I read chapter 3 with friends through Shel's videos, and after Azul's breakdown, when I talked, my voice was broken. My eyes were dry, but my voice was shaking. Whenever I have to read or get a screenshot from that scene, I always have to mute my phone because otherwise, I would actually get stressed. XD

So the reason why I have so many words about this is because it managed to break my heart in a way that nothing else has. I've experienced heartbreak, and I've felt hurt very often in my life. And usually, it has to be something or someone that I hold close to me that would be able to make me hurt or break. Even when watching a movie or reading a book, I need to have developed a liking to someone to feel the pain of seeing them at their lowest. What's more is that I really don't cry. It takes so much to get me to cry.

Back when Octavinelle chapter's final part came out in JP, I didn't hold an attachment or any sort of liking to Azul at all. Heck, in fact, I wanted to see how he would be defeated because I wanted him to be defeated at his own game. I just thought, "Oh, I don't think he hurt me. Leona's emotional scene was meh, and as much as I respect Hanae, Riddle's crying made me want to laugh."

I was wrong. Dead wrong.

The fandom loves to meme "MOU YADDA", and it's really funny to see. 😂 No matter what language people speak, everyone gets amused by his scream, and it's beautiful. But I would be a liar if I said that that same scream was not what caused my heart to break. And I almost cried, damn it. I didn't like Azul then, so why did I want to cry? There was something in that scream, something in the way that he broke down, that made me angry at Leona, made me wish Azul didn't have to go through that, that made me want to clutch my chest as my tears finally pour out of my eyes and my voice goes hoarse from sobbing. When translations came out the day after Octavinelle concluded, reading the text was no less painful. The whole time, I was just saying, "Please God, please make it stop. Please make this stop." I do admit that I said that partly because I like being dramatic, but I also know that there was a reason why that was the first thing I wanted to say.

Frankly, my unique reaction to Azul's breakdown really got me to think about why. Why did I feel that way? And eventually, I realized. Without going personal, I realized that it was through that scene that Azul managed to reach into the inner child of myself that was still hurting from certain wounds. Azul didn't break me—I was already broken. But he just showed me the cracks and bruises that I long forgotten, that I long hid away from myself. It was like that inner child was crying, yet nobody heard them until Azul did, found them, and comforted them. It's really funny, Azul isn't real, and yet, without realizing, he granted some of my deepest wishes. 😂

I think that's what I find amazing about Azul. A lot of people can relate to him: the bullying, the discrimination, so many other things. It's not to say that I haven't heard others say, "Oh I relate to him." when they talk about the other OB boys or what. But for some reason, or maybe it's because I know way too many Octavinelle stans XD, when talking about Azul's backstory, people will almost always say that they relate to him, or if not, his backstory stirred something in them. Call it love, embarrassment, dislike, but damn, he made people feel something. And it's what I always love to hear whenever people discuss Azul and his breakdown in chapter 3.

#twisted wonderland #twst #azul ashengrotto #ask

[xanaxlollipop]

Are you afraid of me?

🚩20+ 1 things most people are embarrassed/afraid of sharing in therapy 🚩

Love life:

How often do you lie to your partner - counting both the"getting out of trouble" lies and the "not the truth" lies. Again, It's normal.

Cheating on a partner that you're still in love with - honestly...this is the most common thing I've ever heard and there are so many (and so deep) reasons behind it... it's worth sharing this in therapy...trust me

Being somehow interested in your ex, even if you're in a happy healthy relationship - yep...both these things can be true at the same time

Very specific kink/fetish - I have one thing to say: BE WONDERFULLY FREAKY! We all are (not only with sex), join the club.

You stayed in a relationship past the point where it should have ended - it's a hard passage, we all go through it, really you're not a bad person

Performance anxiety when you're intimate - I don't know a single person that haven't experienced it, but I'm very happy for you if you've never had it!!

Having an STI - It happens, my only concern here is you being able to access to proper medical care if you need it. That's all. Please stay safe and protected always. If you need info just ask

You slept with "too many/not enough" people

Parents:

Feeling relieved when your parents (one or both) die - This can mess a person up, but it's ok and you can brace that at least a part of you can be satisfied by this event

If you have kids:

A part of you hate having kids - that's normal, and it doesn't mean you're a bad parent

The emotional trauma you created to your child that will last forever because you're a "failed as a parent" - This is a thought that every good parent has at some point, every parent leave a scar on their kids, the point is being able to recognize their pain, giving them the tools to heal, accepting their feelings and their healing path

General stuff:

Having racist thoughts - unfortunately society has trained us well about this, it's hard to escape, I love that you're in for a change tho!

You hate your body (even if other people envy you) - Thanks capitalism/objectification/beauty standards etc

You failed/dropped out of school/finished college in more years than the standard ones - Bruh, my psych. degree is 3 + 2 years, I finished in 6 years... standards don't work for everyone, there's no shame in that.

Really intrusive disturbing/violent thoughts - it's normal to think about horrid stuff and please remember that there's a big difference between thoughts and actions

(Related to the previous one) Detailed revenge fantasies about people that hurt you/you don't like - You can be a good person even if you have these, I have them all the time and I still do my best in the world to spread kindness and support (and be polite with the people I don't like, sometimes your best is just not being mean instead of being nice)

Bullying someone as a kid - carrying around this type of guilt is heavy. I understand, change is possible and it's more useful to recognize a mistake and learn, than never make mistakes

Being lazy/unmotivated/not wanting to work - well...I don't have much to say about this, but again...thanks capitalism! lmao

Heavy stuff (TW: S.A / suicide)

This one is heavy, How quick your brain can run to the thought of unaliving yourself and be relieved about the "not being here anymore" - I won't comment on this one but if you're afraid to be sent to grippy-socks-ward...this is not the case.

You've been assaulted and you never told anyone about it and never planned to do so.

+1:

That You think your therapist is wrong/made a mistake/ is not informed enough about something/you didn't like how they responded or asked a question/ you think the topic they're discussing is not useful for your problem etc.

DO NOT BE AFRAID TO TELL YOUR THERAPIST WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING IN THERAPY.

It's called "therapeutic RELATIONSHIP" for a reason.

#psychology #mental health #psychologist #mental health support #healing #therapy #trauma #fears #stuff you should do in therapy #unconventional psychology #tw suicide #tw SA

[virtueisdead]

A conversation with a friend about improving the world.

Trigger warning for reference to suicidal thoughts! This conversation was originally held in Russian, but I have translated it for your benefit.

(On the subject of my intentions to use my life's funds to help improve the mental healthcare where I live)

Friend: Look, I still strongly recommend that you direct your help not to strangers, but to friends and relatives.

Me: ... Could you elaborate?

Friend: The world is not worth making better. Just live for the sake of others. (relatives or friends) Or for your own pleasure! :P

Me: There's is a distinct philosophical disagreement between us.

Friend: Look, I simply understand that helping other people is more expensive than not doing so, and that you should not trust anyone. You need to realize this too.

Me: I can understand why some people think this way, but I love the world. I'm proud to be human, no matter how terrible we often are. I know the stakes. I'm not a fool. It's just what I live for. If I could not improve the world, I would rather not live in it. As a privileged person, I am obligated to do my part before my inevitable death. Without that purpose, I have no reason to continue living.

Friend: Find it, then. Find another, better reason to continue living.

Me: My opinion on this matter is not common, but it is the meaning of my life. I can't give up something so important to my existence. So, I won't. I think you are exhausted. Oh, that was not what I meant. You are “Jaded”. It's an English word that means you have experienced so many bad things that you have lost faith in the world and humanity. You can call me naive if you want, but I am proud of who I am and what I live for.

Me: Also, you say "find another reason to live" like it's a simple thing hahaha. It took a great effort to show the point where I stand today. I once even considered ending my life. Abandoning my philosophy would mean returning to a dark, dark place. A place where no one should ever go.

Friend: It is very difficult. I am still searching for a reason.

Me: Yes, and it's not a difficulty that I am willing to undertake simply over something as trivial as mistrust and stinginess. I think you should learn to love the world just as you think I should learn to do the opposite. I guess there is no way to tell which of us is right in the end. I'm no prophet... But I firmly believe that my love will prevail. Hahaha, that was really stupid to say. Ah, that's not what I meant. “Cheesy”. It means something silly, as if taken from a poorly written or idealistic novel.

Friend: Perhaps you will understand me if somebody dear to you ever betrays you.

Me: Maybe. Maybe so. I doubt it, but I can't know until it happens. Unfortunately for any hopes of finding an answer, I am someone who thinks very differently than most. I don't actually form emotional attachments as I've heard most people describe. I think it may be due to my autism. I have a few to none that I would consider dear to me. I am perfectly content with this, but often it seems that others are upset when they find out about it. Nonetheless, maybe one day, I will know your pain.

#kingvirtueisdead #philosophy #philosophical differences #philosophical dichotomy #dichotomy #improving the world #humanity #dreams #life #the meaning of life #reason to live #reasons to live #love #tw suicidal thoughts #tw: suicidal thoughts #suicidal thoughts

[ihatebnha]

Hi, I heard you were feeling a little sick, hope ur feeling well!! I've been working these past couple months and I've finally been able to look through ur recent posts so I'm a little behind. I'm embarrassed to say that I've been counting the days and kept writing in my notes app abt what I would send lmao. Ur really my comfort blog. <3 Anyway before this gets long and I end up embarrassing myself more I was scrolling through pinterest and found this:

https://pin.it/6OQSLYI

This is giving me very much izuku vibes. Someone might think that it's bakugo however

I think he's more clear cut in the way he loves and I think it's pretty much agreed that once he decided he's with you, it's already in his head that he's marrying you. Not that any other character wouldn't ( or that its his goal but it might just be the most sinple way of saying this is forever) but going through those (emotional) milestones with bakugo might be easier since once you break through his exterior and he's decided on choosing you there's no hesitation afterwards so while he's a little rough around the edges,midoriya is a completely different story . Its like trying to pull teeth out, trying to get him to admit he needs help or to let him know that ur there for him. Bakugo is very much, "I don't deserved to be loved because I'm not good enough", whereas midoriya is, "I don't deserve to be loved unless Im paying for it." And he has!! His body is a monument of all the times he's given himself away freely simply bc he doesn't see himself as worthy of anything unless he's bleeding for it. Unless he's kneeling and putting his neck through a guillotine. So standing in the shower and letting himself be vulnerable enough not flinch when you touch him and letting himself feel loved without a price ughhhhhdbjsbsjs 🥺. Thinking about how hard he's trying not fall to his knees and sob because he only dreamed about someone loving him the way he's loved others.

Um anyway 💀 thinking lots of thoughts lmao,lmk if the link isn't working lol

(link!)

cookie🥺🥺🥺 sorry for the late response! don’t ever feel bad for being or getting behind cuz (clearly) it happens to everyone... it’s really sweet of u to even want to check back in at all AND KEEPING NOTES FOR ME? please, you are *cries* too kind. 

it’s funny tho cuz i always, always, notice when ur in my notifs. i think because maybe sent me an ask i don’t remember but also mostly the time u responded to my hc about bakugo liking the black eyed peas LOOOL and i’m still grateful <3 

anyway lalala that’s just to say ur so sweet and i think of u too !!! let’s get into this tho a bit ;’)

-

i for sure agree it’s deku!! like you point out, i definitely think the whole... confusion + being overwhelmed aspect is a lot more him than bakugo, who definitely skirts around being blatant w/ affection but isn’t all that opposed to both giving and receiving. deku, on the other hand, really... waits for you to lead, and because he’s him... is happy to wait forever. So when you suddenly reach out and care for him in a way he’s never experienced before... AHHH.

and just... that specific kind of intimacy too, i see as being very deku. you know, bakugo likes washing himself, so when you do it... it’s more of a vulnerable act. deku... can sometimes (and often) neglects these aspects of self care bc again, he believes his body is for The People... so when you to take control of it and provide? it’s this whole different level of softness and gentleness and love because it’s not related to anything painful or outside of just... showing ur love for him and him alone, as a person. a lover. 

(does that make sense? not that it isn’t all that for bakugo... but he’s more self sufficient in that the washing doesn’t make him fall apart. he falls apart for other reasons and then you’re there to help after)

but uh... yeah. i’m melting thinking about it! and esp because he has such nice hair in general, too. Can you imagine giving him an olaplex or oil treatment for fun and him just... tearing up and then falling asleep in ur lap LOL? he wakes up with the nicest, shiniest curls. i adore him to bits :((

and you, too! thank you so much for this <3

-

also i just want to highlight: 

“His body is a monument of all the times he's given himself away freely simply bc he doesn't see himself as worthy of anything unless he's bleeding for it. Unless he's kneeling and putting his neck through a guillotine.” 

WOWWWWW!!!

#deku #ajdsfajdkjf ur so sweet #i tired so no big tags but #find me again okay? #<3 #ask #caitie things #undecidedcookie

[yesterdaysanswers]

Pagani saraceno (Popster, 1978)

Mauro Pagani has just finished the new LP. Our conversation focuses on the field of work, but also on things more personal. 

Popster: This LP comes after a long stagnation period following your activity with PFM. How did you come to this album?

Mauro Pagani: There are different ways to experience being a musician. In my opinion, with PFM, I was doing one percent of the things I could have done. So I spent two years doing all the things I had been missing in this period. In my opinion when you play you tell the life you lead, the speed of the rhythms you choose, the type of neurotic or relaxed approach towards the technique, the lyrics you use, etc., everything tells the type of life you lead.

P: I heard that in Milan you were doing school courses for children.

MP: I was very interested in the problem of teaching music, but not so much from an abstract political point of view, nor…

P: I would like you to tell me, for example, what music is for you…

MP: Music is a way of expressing what you have inside. For many people, it is the richest means of expression. Even richer than normal dialogue.

P: Probably to truly hear the music there is a need for abandonment…

MP: Certainly. You have to make yourself available to the stimuli that arrive, then you live them personally. In this way, you make these stimuli your own. You live them with your life, with your emotions, with your stories. This thing here is clearly something that hardly happens, because people attribute a neurotic role to music, culturally wrong…misdirected.

P: Once, music was experienced in a normal way. There was a direct relationship between man and music, as popular music teaches us. There was what was playing and people were dancing around. I've seen around that this kind of relationship doesn't work anymore.  

MP: But the whole music distribution structure tends to give it the role of consumer object. So people no longer consider music as a thing that belongs to them because it springs from their normal rhythm of life, but as a matter of fact, a product.  

P: In my opinion, the simple, linear relationship that should exist with music is missing. The fact that you stand in front of a record and feel it. It involves you or it does not involve you. Or there is even the lack of openness necessary to get involved... 

MP: With the public that understands, that doesn't understand, that doesn't react, I don't get pissed off. If I see Frank Zappa coming, he does something amazing, and his records sell 10,000 copies and the Bee Gees records sell 300,000, I don't get mad at people, ever. I get pissed off with the musician. I have no respect for the musician who makes shitty music. I do not forgive the reporter who hurts his work. He doesn't know shit about music.  

P: But let's get back to your record…

MP: I tried to make a group record, despite being a solo musician. Being a great composer is not in my nature. I have this anomalous role as a group musician…which is not a group…but I believe in teamwork. Because teamwork has given me things; it made me do things that working alone I wouldn't have…

P: In fact, your record boasts the participation of a lot of people, including… 

MP: And among other things there is a lot of space. There is someone, even from my record company, who said that in reality...I play little. But I don't give a damn about playing...I didn't take the record as a training ground for Mauro Pagani, violinist, who will show you how good he is. I wanted to try the paper of a type of material written by me, but lived together with musicians who were able to put on this material. And Demetrius - for example - who came to sing, it must be Demetrius who sings, it must not be I who uses Demetrio's voice.  

P: In fact, with the presence of Area, Canzoniere del Lazio and PFM, to what extent is this Mauro Pagani’s record...is it by Mauro Pagani?  

MP: Of course I didn’t go out on the street saying: whoever wants to participate on my record come on over…

P: You have chosen.  

MP: Exactly.

P: Now I would like you to summarize, as briefly as possible, the contents of this record.  

MP: Mmmmmmhhhh… (long hesitation) 

P: If I had to give it four or five adverbs or adjectives…I don’t know, sex, drugs and R&R. Namely what is this record for you in a nutshell.  

MP: It is strangely difficult for me because…for example, giving it a title was a drama. I’ve changed the title three or four times. It had started even before the realization as “Longobardi e Saraceni [Lombards and Saracens]” and then, after the realization, it turned out that there was very little of Lombards, while there were a lot of Saracens…and then in my opinion it did not fit the image. In the end, “Mauro Pagani” remained. In reality, perhaps it should have been “Mauro Pagani, born in Chiarili, province of Brescia, on 5 February 1946, who did this, this and this…32 years old, violinist by profession, with his history and who works with tizio, caio e sempronio [Tom, Dick and Harry]…”

P: What did you mean by Lombards and Saracens?  

MP: Well, by Saracen, I mean an attitude of carnality, a certain type of intensity. You know what I mean: everything that is not Lombard. In fact, when I spoke of Lombards and Saracens I was talking about reason and emotionality…about all these things here. In my opinion, what came out in the record is that there is reason, yes, but to a strange extent. How much is left of Lombard? I can't tell you. I am a Lombard, after all. Part of the musicians, too…however…

P: I heard a piece of the record where there is a very beautiful female voice. Who is she?  

MP: It is Teresa De Sio, the singer of Musica Nova by Eugenio Bennato. I had heard Teresa sing and I was struck by the incredible role she gave to her voice as an instrument. It was all a relationship between her and me. In this relationship she has put her voice, this enormous charge of hers, this creativity of hers.  

P: In the whole LP what are the things you love the most?  

MP: I really like the first piece, the piece with Teresa, and the violin solo. The first piece was made with three musicians from Area, and two from Canzoniere del Lazio. I like it because there is a bit of everything inside. And the same theme done in two ways. First there is a more urban development, then it acquires a Turkish market atmosphere. Then there is Teresa's piece, which she sings in Neapolitan but she is accompanied by two bouzoukis, which is a Greek instrument, with a much more Balkan than Neapolitan type of cadence. When the oboist improvises, he enters with an almost 600-strong Italian attitude.  

P: And for the next album will you use the same procedure?  

MP: The next one will be based on the same kind of basic language, because that's what interests me and what I have inside. What I will try to do is use the instruments in a different way. Maybe there will be more decisive arranged parts, and the creativity of the individuals will be structured in a different way. The type of relationship I want to achieve with the instrument and with the musicians is a type of intensity in which every measure (dimensional, structural, etc…) becomes relative.  

P: So your record should be very serious, since you have placed yourself in front of humanity in a serious way. Is it a happy record…or sad? 

MP: I find it's an intended record. A record that laughs little, perhaps. I think being able to laugh in music is really nice. That's why I absolutely love Frank Zappa who does his thing and laughs. But this record was not intended to be either a summation, a thesis or a proposition. And the record that I made, with what I had inside in 1978...I looked around and reflected. There are flights within...that express themselves in that language, in that way. It must be said that the life around it is what it is. And then what we have within us of thirty years…almost thirty-three…there is what we have done inside. We look around every day, in short…

Michael Pergolani

#mauro pagani #pfm #premiata forneria marconi #michael pergolani #popster #article #interview #translation #my translation #traduzione #i'm so happy to have the rest of this article now 😍

[marlborothots]

It's that time when I log back into tumblr for my stranger things fluff-fics-fix and while I love ST4 Vol 1, it has been tugging on my heart strings a lot. The first episodes featuring Eleven struggling with having a deceased father has brought a lot of past emotions up for me and I had it under control until today... it wasn't a good day.

To start, if you don't know I've been a member of the dead dad club since I was 8 and I am 23 now. I never thought I would have to help any friend struggle through losing a parent so early in life--I thought they would all have normal timely passings. I prayed they would. Sadly, one of my dearest friends that I'm starting a new chapter of adulthood with lost her dad today and wow what a man he was the times I got to meet him. He did so many things not only for her but all of her friends even when we were 3+ hours away. My heart is aching knowing the pain and knowing I can't do anything for her right now. It aches more knowing how her life will change, how her mother and sisters' lives will be altered for this new narrative. Her childhood friends I've befriended over the years called me for advice on how to respond, reach out, what should they send--do people like flowers or food more or is there something different, what was I like when it happened to me, etc. and I know they don't fully understand the trauma of that one day of my life. They're learning young adults that haven't had to attend 10 funerals in their lifetime like me for immediate family, they've all experienced different forms of trauma compared to me and my friend. They don't know yet that grief comes in different ways for everyone but I'm happy to share my experiences so they can feel prepared. I heard from two friends today: "I don't think there's a better person than you for her to live with for the next year." I can't describe how that made me feel. Happy and sad at the same time in the weirdest way.

I must confess I have a guilty feeling, and I have this for all of my older cousins that got their fathers for more than 40 years of their lives... I can't help but be jealous and happy my friend had the time she had with her dad. I wish mine could've seen my high school graduation, my college graduation, meet the man I would marry, meet his grandchild, etc. Instead, he got my first ballet recitals, soccer games, my first trip to Disney, introducing me to the music of Elvis and Johnny Cash, listening to me scream Jesse McCartney lyrics at the top of my lungs, and he recorded every. thing. Christmas? Recorded. Birthday party? Recorded. A lazy Sunday? Recorded. But that was the early 2000s, long before the age of smart phones... so of course so many floppy discs and CDs have been lost in that time... so many memories gone. And this is where my other happiness and jealousy come from most. For years, I thought "I remember everything about my dad, I remember his voice, the way his polos felt, the way his stubble felt when I poked his face to tell him he needed a shave". Then I cleaned out my grandparents house after their passing and found home videos. My heart broke watching the Christmas morning videos because I couldn't recognize the voice of my own dad. I had went so long without hearing it that I made up a new tone. I just feel sad I don't have this blessing of archived Snapchats, videos, Photos, and voicemails on my phone like she does but I am so happy she will not forget his voice ever. I'm so happy she will not have to feel the exact same pain I've had brewing since 2007. I'm so grateful for her and our friendship. We already had a lot in common and are a good balance, but this is not something I wanted to share because it hurts so much.

There's so much more I could say, but I won't bore you guys. It just got me thinking while I love being helpful and taking care of people when they need it, I'm exhausted. Slowly switching gears, all the fanfics and one shots that are flying off the presses right now are lovely and you are all so talented!! With that being said, I think some people can relate to this feeling I have: taking care of others while neglecting yourself emotionally and not wanting to burden anyone with your emotions since you have made yourself believe they're less valid because they're the same silly problems over and over again. I would really appreciate if anyone would like to write a sweet Eddie Munson or Steve Harrington (honestly any of age male will do romantically speaking) fluff relating to that feeling, or the entire window to my soul I typed up. I know there has to be more people than just me feeling this way, even if it's not a dead dad. I think another great prompt would be a discussion with Eleven similar to the day I had. If you feel inspired, please write for any character; platonic or romantic it's your art!

I'm not the most amazing at communicating feelings but this is the fandom I come to for comfort. I don't want anything I shared to be misconstrued, I'm heartbroken for my friend and I will help her every step of the way for as long as she needs me (even when she doesn't know it because I used to be the same). And I know reliving my trauma right now does not outweigh what she's going through in any way. I just thought this could be a deeper look into a rough season of life and inspire something in all of you wonderful writers.

Even if you don't write, thanks for reading. I had to get that off of my chest. 🤍

-T

#stranger things #eddie munson #steve harrington #st4 #stranger things 4 #eleven #Steve Harrington x reader #eddie munson x reader #dead dad club #just venting pls ignore