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cooki3face · 3 months

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what’s going on in your friendships

message: friendships and close personal relationships have been a significant thing in my life as of late. I have the tendency to self-isolate in order to remain untriggered because I can't control my environment the way I wish I could when other energies are involved. I've never been super outgoing or social, I enjoy conversation but on my own terms and I'm highly selective about the company I keep and how I choose to share my energy with the world. But, you have to be a whole other level of healed in order to remain energetically grounded where your circumstances or environment are eating away at you. When I have close personal relationships they consume me because I am always so heavily devoted or emotionally involved and so they have the capacity to disarm me or put me in hard places when things go wrong or when something is triggering. I've decided to do this reading in order to give the collective insight on what's going on in their friendships and hopefully give some guidance on what needs to be improved or worked on. Enjoy.

There's an energy here about either you or people you were friends with or are friends with carrying the energy of past resentment. In your energy there's an energy of friendship(s) being a touchy subject or something that you've separated yourself from entirely due to bad situations or experiences. In other energies outside of yours, there could be someone or even a few people who hold ill energy towards you or have negative perceptions of you based on a falling out or you outgrowing them. There's energy of betrayal or someone revealing themselves to you or double-crossing you and you having to turn inwards or go into hermit mode in order to recover and swearing off friendships or become more opposed or narrowing your scope for what is acceptable in your friendships. Someone had high expectations already but they're even higher now. I'm listening to the song "Back to Black" by Amy Winehouse. She says in the song, "I've died 100 times." someone has been burned a lot or has a very extensive painful history in close relationships both platonic and romantic that require trust and respect to be equal and held at high regard.

Someone had a friend who was troubled or had a tendency to mess things up for themselves or be deceptive or throw stones and hide their hands I'm hearing. Pile one you may have developed a thing for the underdog or in the past had a subconscious pull to people who had heavy trauma-filled backgrounds or carried with them a lot of karmic energy or karmic behaviors and cycles. This may have been a theme for the vast majority of your close personal relationships for the past couple of years. You constantly ran into people who didn't value themselves and therefore didn't know your value and people who would always have an internal tendency to not know what they'd lost until you'd walked away from them. You may have had to make a difficult decision here that resulted in you letting go of several friends and/ or lovers or significant people in your life that you carried on your back for the past couple of years. You learn lessons primarily through people and relationships and you eventually outgrew or broke out of karmic cycles and behaviors and you had to decide whether or not you wanted a new beginning or not.

You may currently feel a lot of grief or be in the process of mourning past versions of yourself or past versions of your life and the people who were in it although you're done with them now. There's healing that needs to be addressed regarding betrayal and heartbreak regarding your friendships and relationships. Right now you are in a state of recovery here, I'm seeing imagery of someone in a deep sleep or in a comatose like state like sleeping beauty or something, the body has the ability to heal or recover faster through sleep, you may feel somewhat unresponsive towards people coming towards you seeking friendships or companionship.

You're deciding what it is you want in a friendship and doing what you can possible to come into alignment with what that looks like, you've essentially had to start from scratch or build your life and yourself up again from the ground up. You have nothing left from the life you used to live. You've had to and are in the process of manifesting everything that you desire. You are no longer in a state of your life or on the chronological divine timeline where you are having to live with the cards you are dealt and make the best of it or learn the right lessons for what you are given. You have essentially aged out of and graduated out of the divine's guardianship over you as a spiritual minor. Now it's your choice what it is you get to have, what you get to make, what you wanna see, what you wanna put up with, and with whom.

II.

You could feel called to power through and carry on even though you could be experiencing or have experienced significant hardship in your friendships. You may have a tendency to suppress your emotions regarding loss or you have remained in survival mode for years at a time so much so you may be someone who is always in autopilot or doesn't stop too often to process loss in full even if you're a heavily emotionally driven individual who needs time for recovery and needs time to heal so that you can thrive. I just heard someone's a water sign but operates like an earth sign to keep up appearances or maintain a hard exterior or escape the symptoms that come with heartbreak or grief. like if you can imagine the spectral difference between Cancer and Capricorn as a moon sign placement. You may carry a mindset that the entire world has always been against you or that you're not a particularly popular individual wherever it is you reside.

People may make up stories about you, spread rumors, some people fear you heavily while on the other side of the spectrum others may believe you're a coward or deserve to be mistreated or beat down as much as possible. People don't know who you are or know your heart due to some circumstances that were outside of your control and some that were. By the time you'd established or came to terms with the fact that you wanted to be around others, felt isolated, or felt scared and mistreated it was too late because people already had such large negative perspectives and opinions about you. I just heard "you think I want to be like this?" someone has been alienated or is treated like an abomination or as though they are unacceptable. You may also find you have a hard time networking or accessing opportunities you feel you'd have rights to if not for your reputation, not even just work opportunities, social ones as well, people don't want to be around you or people have a tendency to reject you or you feel you aren't able to reach people you love fully due to a lack of self worth or a skewed perception of yourself.

You've lost hope of profound connection within your friendships (you could've had a close friend before that you held onto past a healthy point or even throughout their betrayal or mistreatment of you due to the fact that you felt like if you released them you'd face eternal loneliness. I'm hearing this person could've exploited you for your resources or used you or subjected you to some sort of abuse repeatedly and you didn't/couldn't hold them accountable only the two of you know about this or people know but it's not a well spread secret. I'm hearing this person could've also potentially r*ped, s*xually assaulted you or used you to experiment or fill the void of their own loneliness and desperation.) You could've also potentially lost a romantic connection or loss hope in prospect of love as well or you may have convinced yourself you'll end up unmarried or in short term surface level relationships for the rest of your life.

You could have this large tendency to be so resistant of change whether it's for the best or not or whether it's gonna be in your best interest or not and this has worked against you. You have wounds that have been left open and are gaping because you refuse to stop and get help or allow yourself to heal and recover. You have things that need to be said that won't ever be at your own hand. You won't allow yourself to have anything because other people decided you shouldn't have anything. You could be so happy and so free of spiritual and emotional burden if you would just allow yourself to heal and do the inner work. Return to any avenues and paths you've left unpaved or any loose ends you've left untied and clean up things in order to free yourself. You may have to come to terms with the fact that not everything can be mended, reconciled, or redelivered back to you in the way you want or within the time frame you desire though pile two. You aren't the only person on the planet contrary to your beliefs, the people who were on it with you who you shared your energy with or who you shared your energy with have their own reservations, their own stories or versions of what happened whether they are truthful or not.

III.

You have an unnatural allegiance to losers and it's unlike you. You may have a tendency to make friends or make connections out of necessity or out of fear of loneliness. You are what you attract, you may have a tendency to constantly fall back into karmic cycles or run around in circles in terms of life lessons. you're someone who takes a long time to learn things you need to learn. You could be an air sign or a water sign. You have the tendency to take a lot of short cuts or do things to try and make yourself have an easier time assimilating or blending in after years of rejection from personal places or have people and places that large significance in your life or things you spent a lot of time around, peers at school, parents, siblings, family. You can also have a tendency to be impressionable you might have picked up a lot of nasty habits or behavioral patterns or karmic ties due to the type of people you choose to be around and attract. There's something here about your spirit being young or you being someone who has a tendency to act out or has a difficult time making their own decisions including responsible ones or doing what's best for you when it needs to be done.

You have a parent or parents who play a huge role in the way you process situations and carry yourself in general. You weren't taught or raised up to be an adult or aren't/weren't offered the proper tools to build a sense of self that was adequate for someone who needed to navigate in this world. I just heard the words "hurt people hurt people" you may have the tendency to self destruct and in turn be destructive to others. You carry with you either a lot of guilt or on the far end of the spectrum a large lack of accountability and willing ignorance about the part you played in conflicts or how your actions may have effected someone or a situation. You're constantly feeling very stagnant, burnt out, drained or low on energy and a lot of this is reflective of some of your choices, your choices in company, your behavioral patterns, karmic cycles and even potentially addictions if you've picked up any vices that you should've stayed far away from.

You may be in a place in your relationships where you're at a crossroads about if you should trust your intuition and the divines organization of change and chaos and move forward or do the right thing and allow yourself to fully outgrow and separate from people, things, places, etc. you've carried with you or collected along the way for fear of loss. Behaviors and karmic cycles and habits as well. I say relationships instead of just friendships because you have a tendency to make bad decisions in both your romantic and platonic relationships and connections and your karma is coming at you from both ends. There's fear here though regarding letting go. The deeper issue or root cause of this need to collect things comes from fear of abandonment, being disliked or perceived negatively or not being able to control the feeling you may feel about not having anyone to fall back onto/into.

You could've lost a friend or a person of value that you pushed away or that woke up to something or had some sort of truth revealed to them about you and actions you may have had a habit of committing to behind their back in regards to them. This person won't reconcile with you or you know that anyone of value that you lost along the way or anyone who may bring you solace has walked away. But, spirit has set your revelation or your healing process or tower moment up this way for you so that you have the chance to fully and wholeheartedly see what is going on or what needs to be done. I just heard "you're so far removed from source." The only way out is through and there might be a lot of grief that you may have to receive or make your way through before you can come out the other end changed and in alignment with what needs to be done or what's in store for you. You need to heal or come back into alignment. I'm getting imagery of someone detoxing or withdrawal from drugs or alcohol. this could be something you may have to actually experience or a figurative representation of what the process of healing and recuperation may look like for you because there is a lot that needs to be purged.

But, after all of this, if you do the inner work, there is promised stability and alignment for you.

channeled song for this reading:

#self love #self care #self improvement #self discovery #dream girl #self expression #healingjourney #self healing #manifestation #divine feminine #divine masculine #what’s going in your friendships #messages from spirit #pac #pick a card reading #pick a pile reading #tarot #tarot card readings

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dailydragon08 · 3 months

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headcanon post idea: everyone’s reactions when you tell them you’re proud of them (ex. after a tough mission or bc they’ve been having a hard time mentally/emotionally)

Although she’s used to the spotlight from being royalty and a revered leader in the rebellion, Leia isn’t very used to genuine praise. She’s usually the one praising someone else (or yelling at them, more likely) and the most she’s gotten in the last few years is a quick “good work” when she delivered the plans for the first Death Star before the Battle of Yavin. So when you first make her look you in the eye and genuinely tell her that you’re proud of her, she freezes for a minute. The last time she really heard that from someone who meant it was her parents, so it hits her a bit harder than she expected and she doesn’t completely know what to do with the feeling. She’s so used to being the rock for everyone else – and keeping her inner thoughts a secret was part of her job and how she stayed safe for a long time – that she takes a while to show any sort of big emotion in front of people, and even then will only do so in private. She gives you a small smile, nod, and quiet thanks before redirecting the attention to you, how much you helped, and says how she’s proud of you. But she will concede to an “I’m proud of us” before giving your shoulder an affectionate squeeze.

Luke also hasn’t heard a genuine “I’m proud of you” in a long time (not that the OT gang isn’t proud of him, they just typically don’t say it in words), but he tends to be a bit more emotionally available than his sister on a more regular basis. He can’t keep the emotion off his face and for a second, you’re afraid you said the wrong thing as his big, blue eyes start getting glassy. It means the galaxy to him, especially from someone who knows everything that happened with Owen, Beru, his father, and the emperor, not to mention all the weight on his shoulders in regard to rebuilding the Jedi Order from scratch. He collects himself soon after, but still gives you a warm smile and “thank you” before wrapping you in a tight hug. He tells you he’s proud of you as well and there isn’t anyone else he’d rather have on his team, holding the hug for a bit longer than you expected (but you, of course, would never be the first to let go).

Han pretends to be affection-averse, even though he isn’t – but, hey, he’s got a reputation to maintain. He splutters for a minute before recovering and saying something along the lines of, “Yeah, I am aware how awesome I am, kid, and I’m glad you’ve finally realized it, too. Ya know, I’m gonna remind you that you acknowledged my greatness next time you get on me for somethin’ – in fact, here,” he holds his comm right in front of your mouth and hits record, “why don’t you say that again so I have some proof?” You bat the comm away and tell him how insufferable he is before you both go back to what you were doing before. But, when he thinks you’re not looking, you can see the dopiest smile across his face.

Lando takes it the most in stride. He looks surprised for a minute, before smiling, thanking you, and putting a hand on your shoulder and giving it an affection squeeze and light shake. “You’re not so bad yourself,” he says before remarking on how you two make a great team, even going so far as to list specifics of exactly why you work so well together. He wraps his arm around your shoulders as the two of you walk back to base, a new spring in his step that you can’t deny is adorable.

Chewie (platonic) immediately says something in Shyriiwook that you think (hope?) sounds happy before enveloping you in a bear hug that almost crushes your ribs. You hang on for dear life, half laughing and half struggling to breathe, patting the Wookiee’s back before begging him to put you down before he accidentally crushes you. He mumbles something that almost sounds like the cadence of an apology in his language before setting you down and affectionately petting your head.

R2D2 (platonic) chirps, whistles, and wobbles on his two outer legs happily and is then adorably glued to your side the rest of the day. Han and Lando tease you about how you’ve found yourself your own personal servant, but Leia and Luke think it’s adorable, and even Luke comments on how much R2 loves you when he’s out of earshot. C3PO translates at some point, telling you how much R2 appreciates the compliment and that he enjoys working with you before the astromech is zipping away again to refill your water bottle for the third time.

C3PO (platonic) gives you a surprised “oh, my” before thanking you profusely. He even gives you a little bow and says, “You’re too kind. I enjoy our work together as well and you do a marvelous job at everything you set your mind to.” You give him a smile and a thanks before turning back to what you were previously doing, laughing quietly to you overhear him walking down the hall going, “Oh, Master Luke, you won’t believe what just happened!”

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missingn000 · 1 month

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a note about tpg's hiatus

hi everyone!! i've missed y'all <33 i want to share a quick note on tpg's hiatus, and how long it will last.

first and foremost, the tl;dr: i will not abandon tpg. the story remains incredibly important to me, and this hiatus is only that: a hiatus. i will return eventually, and while i am not exactly sure when "eventually" is, i hope to begin updating again soon.

now the long explanation. tpg's hiatus has lasted much, much longer than i expected. it wasn't until i took a break that i realized how mentally and emotionally drained i was after writing 600k+ in 2 years, along with being an engineering master's student then starting a job in aerospace. especially after writing sukuna's backstory (75k+ words in one month), my brain was utterly fried. all in all, it's been a lot.

as some of you may know, i started watching one piece in september. and i love it! it's an incredibly fun, well-written feel-good series. it's been a refreshing mental break to engage with a new series, especially since jjk canon has been so disappointing in both content and writing quality.

if you check my ao3, you'll notice i took a break from jjk with other series in the past: namely dr. stone, sxf, and natsume yuujinchou. this is necessary for me to remain creative and explore narrative themes that i bring back to tpg when i return to it. but by the time my recent hiatus started, it had been well over a year since i engaged with any other series than jjk, and it was starting to take its toll on me. i'm almost caught up on one piece now, which means i'll be able to focus on tpg again soon.

when i return from tpg's hiatus, updates may be slower. releasing 15k+ word chapters every 2-4 weeks was incredibly mentally taxing and required much of my time and focus to constantly be on the story. it wasn't healthy, and other areas of my life were impacted negatively. it can be easy to forget that i'm a real person with real-life responsibilities writing this story in my spare time for free -- even i sometimes forgot this.

another note on why taking a break has been so necessary is my mental health. when season 2 released and toji + satosugu was animated, the fandom exploded and tpg's readership drastically increased. while this meant an influx of amazing love and support, i also started to receive rude and hateful comments and messages.

don't get me wrong: not everyone has to like tpg. that's totally fine! but as a very sensitive person, receiving hate took a huge toll on my mental health and motivation, and i have needed time to recover from it. i've been doing better mentally lately, and have taken some measures to reduce unkind interactions. i'm working on becoming less sensitive in the meantime so i can handle it better if/when it happens again.

since i've been feeling guilty about not posting jjk content, i haven't been on tumblr quite as much, but i'm still around online on both discord and instagram. mutuals can request my priv @chiidoriii on IG, and my discord is @MissingN000 -- just shoot me a message with who you are when you request! i'll still post fic updates on both new stories as well as tpg content and previews on tumblr, so please stick around :)

thank you so much for your patience with me! i love you all so much, and truly appreciate your support. love, chi <333

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acourtofthought · 8 months

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TW: SA / Abuse

There are many characters in the ACOTAR world who deserve to have their story told but for some reason, Lucien's story seems to be treated as less important than others.

Feyre's desire and need to get away from Tamlin was a valid one but she had her mate looking out for her every step of the way.

When she left, she left behind collateral damage for Lucien to deal with. Lucien who had no one looking out for his best interests (instead he had two people in his life who had the complete opposite of his best interests in mind) and no where else to turn. Not to mention the loyalty he felt to Spring and it's people, he was the one trying to help the Court recover after Amarantha:

"But now—now we need order, Feyre. We need rules, and rankings, and order, if we’re going to stand a chance of rebuilding. So what he says goes. I am the first one the others look to—I set the example. Don’t ask me to risk the stability of this court by pushing back

"We have this one chance, Feyre, to rebuild and make the world as it should be."

“Don’t ask me to pick.”

Even with his desire to do what was best for the Court as a whole, he still tried to balance Feyre's needs, but who worried about his?

"Look up I silently beseached him"

"I didn't want to know what was happening in that room, what he'd done to Lucien".

It's not that Feyre should have been required to stand up to Tamlin on behalf of Lucien but I'll never understand why the fandom constantly expected him to stand up for her especially when she made the choice to ignore what was happening to him as a result of the times he did go out on a limb for her.

And that doesn't even account for the horrors he experienced before and after UTM. The loss of his eye, nearly dying twice UTM, being whipped.

And when she left......

Lucien watched Tamlin execute people who may have been friends of Lucien's.

He begged Tamlin for more time until he saw Feyre and believed Rhys had brainwashed her.

And he spent nearly a year in total, before Feyre left and after her return, dealing with sexual assault from Ianthe:

Lucien hated Ianthe before Calanmai, was fending off her advances before Calanmai but made the choice to participate in the Rite with his abuser because it was what was best for the Court then was again assaulted after Calanmai. Lucien clearly told her no yet she still held him against his will and assaulted him.

"fear and humiliation"

"He’d fixed his pants, his shirt."

Is it because he's a male that people are so indifferent to his experience? That they forget it was traumatic for him?

Is it because he's still standing, still fighting, etc that they forget he's struggling inside too?

He and Elain are so perfect for one another because they're two characters who everyone assumes to be fine because they don't shout their trauma to the world around them. Neither lashes out or shuts down for an extended period of time and because they've started putting one foot in front of the other, people don't realize they aren't seeing everything that's happening below the surface.

But the fact that both Lucien and Elain are capable of so much more but haven't reached out and grabbed it shows how their traumas are holding them back.

Sometimes those who suffer in silence are feeling the most because there's no outlet for their emotions, they're constantly being held inside and those traumas continue to simmer.

I am biased because I love Elucien but I truly believe they will have one of the deepest connections of any of the ACOTAR pairings we've seen. They may hide the depth of their own trauma from the others but they are not emotionally closed off in how they express their love and when they finally open up to one another, I think it's going to be intense.

#elucien #pro elucien #elain archeron #lucien vanserra #pro lucien vanserra #acotar lucien #lucien supremacy #lucien spell cleaver

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furiousgoldfish · 1 year

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Hi, just a little reminder to everyone who has attempted to message me or talk to me, and didn't get a reply or didn't get a reply they wanted.

I often have people messaging me expecting instant friendship and emotional support and talking to me as if we already knew each other. I don't think this is done with ill intent, but I do want to gently remind everyone that we are complete strangers when interacting online, and that I cannot grant anyone instant friendship; to me you are a person I don't know. I will talk to you as a stranger would. Even if you've been reading my words and taking solace and imagining a friend telling them to you, to me you are someone I've never met or known, and I cannot function as an emotional support on a personal level to strangers. It ultimately is not helpful for you to convince yourself that a stranger on the internet is your personal friend, or to push that stranger into trying to act the part; I am unable to fulfill this role. I am not emotionally well myself, and I do not have a support system, so being put in a situation where I'm expected to be one for a stranger feels unhealthy.

Another thing I'd love for everyone to remember is, that I don't have all of the answers. I love to help where I can, but ultimately I am a person in a lot of distress, trying to deal with multiple disorders without any access to therapy or even friends who understand what I'm going thru. I am isolated and posting on this blog is often all I have. If I knew how to get rid of trauma, how to deal with disorders, how to not be sick or in pain, how to evade abuse or how to feel okay, I would use this advice to fix my own life. But I am sadly, lost like the rest of us.

There are times where I am in too much distress to talk to anyone, if you sent me a message and it went unanswered, it is very likely that I was in a state so bad I could not communicate. I will usually recover from it within several weeks, but by that time I feel bad even reminding someone they've sent me a message, it feels asinine to try and reply so late. And it reminds me of the period where I felt bad looking at the message, unable to respond. I'm not ignoring messages on purpose. If you try again some time later, you're likely to get a reply, if I'm in a good state of mind.

However, if you send me a big number of messages at once, start talking about your issues without asking if it's okay first, send several messages without a reply and then keep sending them and demanding a reply, put pressure on me to communicate with you, try to guilt me into giving you an answer you want, or assuming I'm maliciously ignoring you, you've made me uncomfortable and I have to listen to my instincts and stop talking to you.

I am sensitive to anger, aggression, ranting, swearing, slur-use, and doing that in a conversation with me it will make me feel threatened. Because we're strangers, and any stranger acting like I'm an acceptable target to take their anger at is dangerous. We are not friends, and dealing with angry strangers is terrifying. In that situation I have to do what I would advise anyone else to do - leave the conversation.

The last issue is with people attempting to trigger me on purpose, pretending they need help then defending abusers, trying to convince me that all of my resources are harmful and doing nothing but damage, or trying to get me to delete my content, change my posts, advocating for abusers, siding with my abusers, telling me I'm a monster, insisting they're victimized by me unless I personally disprove my smear campaign to them, and generally trying to get me to lash out in order to post it online to claim I should be cancelled. That is the worst thing you could be doing to a traumatized abuse victim. I am a person, of course I sometimes say something wrong and not well thought and put out. That doesn't mean anything I ever do to help others is worthless and should be erased. And you will not convince me that my blog is useless or harmful. It helps me. And I am someone too.

#furiousgoldfish #why messaging me will sometimes have bad results #parasocial relationships #communicating with strangers forgetting they're strangers #i am scared of strangers online it is scary to be interacting with others #especially when trying to help you end up getting hurt and you just don't understand why it got so bad #that happens so often #and i have to be wary and have boundaries #and escape whenever i feel uncomfortable #even if it means someone will feel slightly bad #i don't have to bend my life so nobody ever feels slightly bad because of me #i need to feel safe #and i generally feel bad because of people who don't care how they're making me feel #because i only exist to get their needs met in their head #but i exist for me

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etherealinowrites · 2 years

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stray kids reacting to your father being emotionally abusive/maknae line

TW// mentions of anxiety, panic, suicidal thoughts, emotionally abusive family, gaslighting, troubled childhood, an asshole dad, eating disorders, reader who recovered from binge eating disorder so mentions of weight gain and loss, swearing, mentions of physical fighting

pairing- slightly chubby female reader x stray kids member

requested- yes

wc- around 0.5K for each member so 2K in total

part one, reactions masterlist, skz masterlist

taglist: @dreamescapeswriting @cocainee-queen @lix-ables @eastleighsblog @mwitsmejk @im-the-charmer

background-

“as if, look at her. i remember her taking gym during high school. haha! she would be out of breath in like, minutes.” you dad laughed, a glass of alcohol in his grip as he roared around the dinner table. “her and workout with a man as fit as you? impossible.”

your mother sent weak looks at him, then looked down, unable to say anything.

you sighed, rolling your eyes and sipping on some water while you dug your nails into your palm. old habits do die hard it seems.

after months of talking, you had finally agreed to come to one family dinner to introduce your boyfriend. however, you hadn’t expected your dad to be that much of an idiot and still joke about your sensitive points.

jisung

your hands had begun shaking from the amount of thoughts running through your head. hung down as you stared hard the floor, you tried to level your breathing as your father went on and on about all the ways in which you were horrible.

jisung couldn’t help the frown that he'd begun forming on his face. he knew your dad was not the best person in your life but you had never told him just how horrible he was? jisung sighed deeply once, trying to brush his anger away and turned to look at you.

the way your figure shook slightly under the words and your eyes had turned glassy made his frown turn into an angry scowl.

within minutes his hand was on yours, holding it warmly in his grasp. you looked up, and he all but smiled at you with the most understanding look in his eyes. “its okay baby, i am here.” he mouthed, caressing his thumb on your hand as you began to tune out what your father had been crying about.

“i mean, i’m just being honest really, she was fa-” your dad continued, horribly making fun of you but jisung had has enough, he’d seen enough of you trying to let it go and your shivering figure made him snap.

“sir, we came here for a good time, but honestly this is not how you treat your guests.” jisung’s calm outburst had you biting your lip as your father sneered.

“oh why, does it hurt knowing how bad your girlfriend is? does it hurt realising the truth and knowing she lied to you-”

jisung let out a loud scoff as he frowned and pushed his chair back. “listen you old man, you are the one who needs to do some ‘realisation’ here okay? it's you who’s fucked in the head if you think that a person is only to be judged by their body, what the fuck is even wrong with anyone’s body? y/n was beautiful and will always be no matter what size she wears or what workouts she does. whatever y/n tells me is our business and for your kind information, she has told me all about her struggles and your shitty parenting so you don’t have to be an asshole anymore got it?”

jisung got up, adjusting his clothes as he extended a hand to you. “let’s go baby, we don't need him talking to us anymore.”

you both ignored the indecent curses from your father as you nodded, grateful for his side by yours as he softly kissed your knuckles and led you out the door.

felix

felix was very protective of you, and his protectiveness had just increased tenfold when you'd told him about your past struggles with food, eating, body image and mental issues. he cherished you to bits and he couldn’t stand knowing that something was capable of hurting you when he was there to protect you.

naturally, it came as a huge shock to him when he realised that the biggest source for those issues was none other than the man you called father.

he knew that you and him had a delicate relationship but he never knew just how delicate it was, to the point of it being non existent.

disgusted by your fathers words, he didn't waste a second and taking your hands, lifting you up. ““i mean, i’m just being honest really, she was fa-” your dad continued, making felix’s expression turn to stone.

“shut the fuck up, you dickhead.” felix growled, making you widen your eyes as your father looked taken aback.

“what the-.” your father cursed back, angering felix further.

“what? you think you can just sit here an insult my y/n just because you’re her father? well news flash, her boyfriend loves her the same and even more now, bloody thanks to you for making him realise how brave she has been for suffering through life with a sorry excuse of a father like you.” felix spat, making you stare at him in awe.

“oh and just for the record, i would love y/n regardless of her appearance.” felix yelled over his back as he led you both out.

seungmin

seungmin was someone was very practical in every situation. never mind how panic inducing, seungmin always maintained his cool however. seeing your father continuously insult was pricking his nerve.

he tried to control himself. really, you’d told him multiple times about how your father and you had a broken relationship yet he had no idea it was this bad. he almost felt guilty for not realising this sooner.

when he realised how abusive your father was and how much you’d actually endured and still were, he took a deep breath before taking your trembling hands.

“we’re leaving you shit ass excuse of a father.” was all seungmin spat your father who looked shocked.

“let’s go baby, these people don’t deserve our time.” he calmly helped you get up, holding you close as he pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“i have always loved y/n since i met her and i always will no matter what she looks like or what she does. she is perfect to me in every way.” he hissed at your father angrily, making your turn as he led you out the door.

“don’t worry baby, we won’t ever come back. you know that i love you right?”

jeongin

jeongin waited, clenching his fists under the table as he took deep breaths. he hated people like your father, people who had little to no sense of common etiquette. he hated these kinds even more when they affected you in a negative way.

he could only grit his teeth in silent anger as he remembered his promise to you to no react. he knew very well about your father's horrible nature towards you but this was something that crossed all lines.

even for what you had warned him about, this was seriously a real human violation in jeongin's eyes. his eyes snapped dangerously towards your father as he realised with a sinking realisation that your parents were unaware of your past struggles with mental health and disorders. disturbed to his core, he let out a deep breath before he turned to check in on you.

the sight of you scrunched inwards, head down and shivering hands snapped the last piece of restraint that had him holding.

“i mean, i’m just being honest really, she was fa-” your dad continued but jeongin had had enough.

"thats it!" he cried out, leaning down to stare your father in the eyes. "i will not sit idly while you disrespect my y/n with that filthy mouth of yours. have some sense as a human you prick. don't ever invite us here ever again or i swear i will punch you in your shitty face, got?" he growled lowly, his hometown accent creeping into tone that made his threat seem scarily realistic.

"lets go love, they don't deserve our time." he turned to you, voice in a completely different tone as he softly took your hands, cooing at you to stand up.

"you know that i will alwasy love you babe right?" he sighed, pressing a kiss to your head as he mumbled in your head.

"i love you too, thank you jeongin."

a/n: i hope you like it!

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floppydiskettess · 11 months

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CYPHER SFW ALPHABET

HIII THIS WAS MADE FOR MY BESTIE!!!!!! HAPPY (early) BIRTHDAY MAN! :D. I HOPE THIS QUENCHES THE CYPHER BRAINROT :))

(ps, i am still working on requests! i have two atm that im working on and i apologize for the delay!!!)

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

at first he is hesitant, he is filled with insecurities. but once he becomes more comfortable he will be extremely affectionate. he will call you petnames constantly (my love, dear, angel, sweetest, etc.). also this man LOVES behind hugs, he loves to suprise you with a hug from behind as he rests his masked chin on the top of your head (he is a tall mf and he will rub it in)

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

he is a quiet person, at first you two would simply sit in comfortable silence, but he will soon be more talkative with you once he knows he can trust you! being his best friend would involve a lot of nights spent in his workshop watching him work. he would totally make you upgrades as a gift too.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

he hasn't recieved physical touch in a long time. you will notice him tensing up at each touch at the beginning. but don't assume that means he doesn't like it. he really feels comforted by your gentle touches but he just needs to readjust to being loved in a physical manner.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

yes, he definitely is dating to marry. he will cook meals he used to make all the time for you! he is an amazing cook too, expect him to cook you fancy foods and serve you exquisite teas. bbbuuutttt he is not the best at cleaning however...(just take one look at his workshop for gods sake.)

E = Emotions (how well can they handle their emotions? what affects them the most?) (i changed this one !!!)

he has a lot of trauma, he doesn't really have any coping methods for it though besides pushing it (and others) away. he will need time to emotionally recover from the loss of his family. but with you by his side he feels more hopeful than ever.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

he was married before, he would be willing to tie the knot with someone of which he is deeply bonded too. he would likely wait for you to propose, he doesn't want to rush you. and if you see a wedding ring sitting waiting on his desk? you saw nothing :)

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

soft boi....he cares so much for you. he couldn't bear to lose you like he lost nora. he is physically and emotionally gentle. he is constantly careful of your personal boundaries and makes sure you are taking care of yourself. he treats you as if you are the most delicate piece of china on a shelf. absolutely nothing will be hurting you as long as he is there to protect you.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

oh yeah he loves hugs! whenever you come back from a mission he is waiting at the loading dock to welcome you back with a warm hug. he prefers to give hugs rather than to recieve them, but if he is having a really stressful day he longs for a hug..

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

he would say it fast, he probably was so caught up in the moment that he just said how he was feeling. he truly loves you and he wants to make sure you know how much he cares. after that, he will say it confidently and in public. he wants you to always remember how loved you are.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

he generally is not a jealous person, but if someone decided to try and take what isn't theirs he would definitely become jealous. he fully trusts you, but he just does not trust the person who is bothering you to take the hint and back off. if someone began to get really persistent? he would be pissed. this man will protectively stand in front of you, looming over the stranger.

"don't go sticking your nose where it doesn't belong....the walls have ears my friend. they know just what you are."

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

with the mask on? the cheek! he loves cheek kisses. without the mask? he loves cheek kisses, temple kisses, and a simple kiss on the lips. he also loves his chest and shoulders being kissed (/nsx you horndogs 😡). he will kiss you whereever he can get too. neck, arms, palm, cheek, forehead, you name it. anywhere he can reach? its gonna be kissed.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

he has...experience... with kids. he knows how to raise and treat them. this man is the absolute best with children, he goes full father figure mode and absolutely loves to just pamper the child. he would love to have kids one day again....

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

you curled up into his chest, his mask thrown lazily on the ground beside you. you can feel his soft and steady breaths on your face. his curly dark brown hair completed mussed up. you can feel his prickly shaved chin leaning against your forehead as you softly kiss his hand which had migrated to your back.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

at night, he probably is up working while you are in bed. once he finished his work or you successfully convince him to join you. he will hold onto you until you fall asleep. on some nights however you may wake up to an empty bed, due to his sleeping issues and occasional nightmares he sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night. he can usually be found in the kitchen space though, drinking tea while reading a book.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

he is scared to let you in, lets be honest. he doesn't want what happened to his family to ever happen to you. he cannot go through that pain again. he is very hesitant and it takes him a while to open up, but he will eventually. he just needs time.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

he is super patient, if something was wrong he would he waiting by your side for you to be ready. if someone was being rude to you? he would tell them off in a calm manner as to not create any issues for you.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

he pegs me as the kinda guy who keeps like a google doc of everything you like (i do that-) he wants to make sure he remembers what you like and dislike and what you say! he loves when you remember the small things he mentions, it makes him feel cared for.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

your first date. it probably went to shit because the other agents kept interuptting and messing around with you two. but he will never forget the afterwards. you both had gone up to the rooftop to escape the younger chaotic agents when you noticed a gorgous star show in the sky. when you sat down together, you had half his jacket draped over you as he huddled closer towards you shyly. he watched your features glow under the moonlight and that is when he fell HARD.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

protective as fuck. he lost his family to kingdom, he refuses to lose you as well. he doesn't care if it means he has to sacrifice himself to protect you. as long as you are safe. he definitely watched from afar to make sure you are safe and well.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

he puts a lot of effort in. he meticulously plans each date and activity you two do together. of things are not perfect he fears you would be dissapointed, but he just needs some reassurance that any moment spent with him is perfect enough. (thats so cheesy ewww)

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

he gets super competitive...in chess he absolutely loves to destroy everybody and rub it in. if he loses (to phoenix especially..) he will definitely be pouting for a while and you will have to comfort him.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

he is not so much concerned as he is insecure. he has a lot of scars and emotions etched into his skin. he is scared you would be frightened of him. the mask will be staying on for a while until he fully is able to feel comfortable revealing such a big insecurity to you.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

yes. you are everything to him. if he lost you he would have nothing left for him. he would probaly leave the protocol if he were to lose you..

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

he is taller than you, hes probably like 6'5 or something. he loves to tease you for it and likes to display the height difference (ex. he puts his chin on your head, he will cradle you with ease across the base, he will wrap his arms around you and fully engulf you.)

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

i feel like he wouldn't like a cocky and flirty person. (flirty as in, if you flirted with someone else even though you were dating him.) he is terrified you will leave him for someone else.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

insomniac....need i say more? he definitely will stay up all night if you allow him too. if he is really crunched for time on something he likely is going to forget to sleep...

THANK YOU FOR READINGGG i wrote this at 1am on a school night omg. writing this made me realize how much i want a bf/gf 😭😭

anyways happy birthday to my amazing valorant duo!!! your literally the sweetest person ever and i really hope you enjoy this and have a lovely birthday when it arrives!!

#valorant x reader #fanfiction #valorant #valorant brainrot go brrrrrr #valorant fanfiction #valorant x y/n #valorant x you #cypher x reader #amir el amari #you x cypher #cypher x you #i wrote this instead of sleeping #birthday gift #cypher valorant #i hope you enjoy #happy birthday

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gothfatherr · 11 months

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about two months ago, I found out someone was romantically interested in me, and in that moment, I felt very uncomfortable because I knew he would create illusions and expectations, and that eventually, he would confess in a straightforward manner.

keeping that in mind, I had been thinking about it quite a lot, just knowing it would happen eventually. I thought about how to politely reject him, how to avoid hurting his feelings, how to be as soft and gentle as possible, etc. well, it happened. just at the beginning of this week.

we sat outside the institute, and he just started talking, saying, "I know it may seem random and very soon...." and I let him speak, I didn't make direct eye contact so as to not make it any worse for him because he was very, very nervous.

by the end, he asked me if I was interested in anyone or if I was open to the idea of dating, and this is where my jaw unintentionally clenched, because I asked myself "should I tell him I'm on the aromantic spectrum?" to which I quickly answered no.

why not tell him? well, it would've destroyed him. even if I am not interested in him romantically, I still care about his feelings, and I didn't want to make him upset. so, I told a half truth: "I'm not really interested in dating anyone at this time, I'm not up for that because I recently recovered from a heartbreak, it's been difficult and I honestly don't feel like jumping into that pool again". he said he understood, and we both agreed on remaining as friends.

what I said is true. I did experience heartbreak, maybe not in the way allo people do, because it wasn't romantic attraction, but it did affect me emotionally, and this pain came from someone who turned my whole world into something different. we "dated" briefly, and then we just...fell out. it didn't work because he was no longer interested and met someone whom he connected with romantically, which made me feel replaced and worthless in that moment. it hurt because it felt like I wasn't enough for the simple fact that I was aro and I couldn't give him what he wanted.

the other truth is that I don't feel like jumping into that pool again. I learned from that experience. I learned that I shouldn't try to force myself to feel romantic attraction for someone just because they feel that way for me, I learned to accept my aro identity completely and I was able to find happiness within myself. I learned that society is wrong for trying to impose that a person could only ever be truly happy with a partner.

so I felt incredibly relieved after this conversation. I may not have told him the entire truth, but I told him what was most important, and best part was that he left with a huge smile on his face, meaning he didn't get hurt.

#aro #aromantic #lgbt #queer #aromantic spectrum #aroace #arospec #aromanticism #aro positivity #aroallo #greyromantic #greyroace #grayromantic

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my-autism-adhd-blog · 7 months

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Hi ! I am diagnosed as an autistic person and today, well yesterday I had an emotional crisis (I have trouble differentiating meltdowns, shutdowns and burnouts so that’s how I call it).

I am currently missing a day of high school (my class is horribly noisy) and I am trying to recover and I was wondering if foods and drinks were a good idea, like hot chocolate for example.

My mother is also going to buy headphones at least today or, if not possible, tomorrow plus adding a permission to my PAI (idk how to translate this but it’s an adaptation any student can have in France if they have a major issue or problem with something) so I can wear them in class or just leave the classroom if needed. Thank you in advance for answering, and have a good day or night !

Hi there,

I found an article talking about shutdowns and meltdowns and even how to avoid them. According to the article:

Meltdowns

Meltdowns are often the result of situations which are highly stimulating or create high levels of anxiety which feel like they can't be escaped. When someone is in this situation their reaction is either flight, fight or freeze. If the person cannot escape that leaves two options: either fight or freeze.

Meltdowns are similar to the fight response.

When an autistic person is having a meltdown they often have increased levels of anxiety and distress which are often interpreted as frustration, a 'tantrum' or an aggressive panic attack.

It's important to understand that meltdowns are not 'temper tantrums'. They are a reaction to a highly distressing situation or environment.

While in a meltdown a person can be injurious to others or themselves because of the extreme state of anxiety their body is in. That's why it's really important to minimise the risk of this happening - both for the person and those around them.

Meltdowns are very physically tiring and emotionally draining for the individual. This is because the person has been in a distressing situation and has had a highly adrenalised and emotionalised response.

Shutdowns

If meltdowns are equivalent to the fight response, then shutdowns are similar to the freeze response.

They are often the result of situations with high demand in one or a few of the following areas:

social situations

situations that require a lot of thinking

lack of sleep

very emotional situations

situations that are very active or physical.

An analogy for a shutdown is like a computer trying to turn on but it can't because there isn't enough power to do so. In a shutdown an autistic person might not seem themselves because they're so overwhelmed that their focus has shifted to the basic functions. As they are at a reduced ability to process what is going on they may struggle to communicate as they normally do, which can mean they are mute or have a lot of difficult forming coherent sentences.

How to help prevent meltdowns and shutdowns

Preemptive planning can really help to mitigate against triggers that might lead to a meltdown.

For example, you can reduce anxiety related to uncertainty about certain situations by providing information about what to expect in advance - such as a visual timetable or agenda.

Another way to reduce the likelihood of a meltdown is to create environments that don't overwhelm the senses. For example, allowing children and young people to wear ear defenders in noisy rooms or dimming the lights to create a less harsh ambience.

It can be very difficult and distressing to support someone during a meltdown, so knowing what to do in advance is key.

The best way to find out what causes someone to have a meltdown is to ask them or someone who knows them well.

The best remedy for a shutdown is giving the person the space to rest, recuperate and recover without placing additional demands on them. A shutdown can be like a reset for an autistic person.

The article will be below:

#submission #inbox #inbox reply #inbox is open

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chronosh0t · 3 months

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ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ꒱˚.*ೃ 𝐁𝐋𝐔𝐄 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐖𝐇𝐈𝐓𝐄

𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐒: male skk x Lee, canon-divergence （ NO BETA ）

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘: something went wrong and now Gray Raven had three feathers left.

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓: 1.9k

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈

Finally, it was over.

What it felt it was going to last forever ended in the blink of an eye. The once raging Hetero-Creatures now lying on the dusty floor, scattered all over the place. The same could be said of the different Constructs and Commandants, their bodies resting full of scars and blood after such an intense and senseless fight caused by the Tower. But those who were still standing and didn't get affected didn't look in better condition either, one could see in their faces how tired they were, both mentally and physically which was understandable.

However, it was over. That crimson red that once decorated the sky, giving such an ominous feeling, was replaced by a warm blue light. Instead of making everyone feel as tiny as ants now, the Tower represented humanity's hope, taking away the uneasiness of the upcoming future and giving Earth more time.

The Gray Ravens, despite the state in which they were after giving their best, were now waiting for their missing teammate. Whilst Lucia and Liv were helping those conscious by giving proper treatment to their wound, the Commandant was patiently waiting.

Sitting on a rock, the human's body was clearly at his limit. His mind, after connecting with a considerable amount of Constructs to keep them safe from the previous thread, was a complete mess. He could feel the heaviness of his eyelid, trying to shut down and put his body to sleep but he refused to. Not yet, when the reason for that blue light didn't come back from the battlefield.

A few minutes more, that felt like years, and his com device rang a few times. Without thinking it twice he picked up the call, expecting to see his friend and having a nice conversation. However, the only thing he could see was the bare land and the Tower quite far but the boy couldn't be seen.

ㅤㅤㅤ Lee?— the Commandant asked, there was a hint of concern in his voice. Did something bad happen? thought to himself. — Where are you? We are waiting for you to come back.

ㅤㅤㅤ Zenas… — there was a pause, static filled the awkward silence but after a few seconds, he talked again. — I am sorry.

The call ended.

……

Heart beating rapidly, his body was falling into an abyss, completely dark and there was nothing he could do. Far away, he could see a familiar silhouette so he started running but instead of getting closer the distance was becoming considerably worse. Suddenly the Tower was red again, the world was engulfed in that crimson blood.

Zenas woke up. It was a nightmare, the same nightmare he had been having since they came back from Earth after the Tower incident. It has been two years since then and, even though they were still fighting the virus as usual, trying to retake the blue planet from the hands of the Red Tide and Ascendants, even when it seemed like nothing much changed, something actually did.

Instead of four, now three feathers were left. His name wasn't in the memorial wall but the absence of his peculiar presence was unbearable. After that call two years ago, none of the Gray Raven saw Lee again. They searched nonstop day after day, refusing to give up, refusing to let him go to no avail. It was as if he disappeared without leaving any trace. But that was something he was capable of doing, indeed.

The team was given a few weeks to properly recover, not only from the physical wear but also emotionally after missing such an important part of them. The three of them knew, however, that no matter how much time they were given, it would've taken forever to come in terms with such a fact.

In any case, Gray Raven even opted for more work.

He took as many missions as possible, he even took care of all the paperwork, and decided to give a hand to other teams as well. He was trying to keep his mind as busy as possible to avoid any intrusive thoughts. Regardless, when night fell, it was hard to keep a good mood. Again, the absence was killing him. The guilt of not being able to help Lee, of letting him go alone to climb up that Tower, the regrets of giving up on his search. He felt he didn't give the very best to search for Lee. So he would opt to sleep when he felt tears making its way. Crying wouldn't help.

Today wasn't diferente. Woken up by the same nightmare, buried himself with paperwork and took missions to keep themselves busy. This time it was just a scout mission, nothing too complicated, but served its purpose. And after getting ready they flew straight to Earth. Safely landing, they stepped out of the transport craft and quickly did a sum of what they were supposed to do. Again, nothing out of the ordinary and the idea was to finish it off in a few hours, go back, and repeat the process.

ㅤㅤㅤ “Commandant, I will check the surroundings just in case before starting.” — said Lucia, she looked as determined as ever.

ㅤㅤㅤ “Alright. Liv and I will talk with the people and see if we can get anything useful. Take care.” — replied, after what happened back then, he became even more worried about the two of them. The feeling was reciprocal, too.

After Lucia left, the two of them went straight to the scavengers resting. Apparently the Ascendants started to be more active in that specific zone or that's what they kept on saying, mentioning a peculiar “agent” that would wander around, just observing the surroundings. Once Liv did a full body scan and made sure their vital signs were good, with the help of some Constructs stationed in that area since a couple of weeks earlier, started to accommodate some supplies they had brought from Babylonia.

Everything seemed good. Once Lucia came and reported back the situation, they ought to make an early report and send it to Babylonia. Nevertheless, Zenas decided it was still better to check once again, and going even a bit further, he didn't want to miss anything. And so they started to walk away from the safe zone.

The sun was shining as bright as ever, there was a cold breeze that gently played with the dry leaves resting on the ground, birds could be heard not too far. At that specific moment it felt like a normal autumn day, as if the punishing virus didn't exist and Earth was as peaceful as ever. He stopped in his tracks, the Tower was still standing, the blue halo was brighter than ever.

He could feel how the guilt and sadness was taking over him. That was a novice mistake. Too absorbed in his mind, reviving some memories he didn't see the threat that was observing them, nor did he realise he was the target of a gun. The blood was rapidly leaving his body, soaking his exosuit. He remembers seeing Liv running to his aid, Lucia was fighting someone, but they were too far and the Red Tide was, somehow, getting close. He lost consciousness after that.

….

A loud bang woke him up from his slumber. A door had been closed, was he in a basement? How about Lucia and Liv? Were they fine? He tried to get up but the pain was actually pretty bad and every single movement made him dizzy.

He heavily breathed and, with the little strength he had, forced his body to a sitting position. The room was completely dark but there was a small window, letting some light in, however it was far from enough but at least he could see some pieces of clothes soaked in blood, a few blankets beside his bed and a rusty night table. That's all. Except him, there was no one else. It was obvious that he got separated from his teammates. Again. A rush of anxiety was building up in his chest and cold sweat was starting to form on his forehead.

He heard steps. Someone was coming. A door opened and a figure appeared. The person was wearing a big and worn out cloak, covering the face and part of the body. Whoever it was, it didn't want for their identity to be known. Either way, he still tried to ask and see if he could get some answers…

ㅤㅤㅤ “Where am I?” — his voice was hoarse. As expected, no answer. But considering how hard that person was trying to hide from them, it would've been stupid to actually answer. He tried again.

ㅤㅤㅤ “Who are you? and why did you save me?” No answer. That only confirmed the obvious: whoever that person was, he knew them.

He tried to move closer, trying to reach the hoodie of the cloak but a hand stopped him midway. It was a robotic arm, no synthetic skin, just the white metal could be seen. A construct? But.. who? He couldn't remember someone with that aspect. That simple movement put him in pain, was his injury that bad?

He winced but tried his best to not lose the attention to the one in front of him. At that time an alarm rang, his exosuit was telling him that the punishing virus was high enough. His eyes widened at that fact, it only made him more confused because whoever saved him, it was an Ascendant. Out of the blue, he remembered that last conversation he had with Lee. How he apologised and disappeared. But why was he thinking about that now? Anxiety was again filling every inch of his body; if it was indeed an ascendant then he wasn't sure that he was saved for good reasons.

While he was lost in thoughts, and even getting nostalgic over some memories, the person in front of him turned to face him, and unexpectedly, handed him a bowl of… food. It smelled good, he had to admit. Yet he refused to eat it.

ㅤㅤㅤ “What do you want?” Are you the Ascendant that has been observing those humans?” — he knew by now that the percentage of getting an answer was below zero. It was getting on his nerves. “I am not in the best mood so stop acting like a mighty being and answer me”

Silence filled the room but it was quickly broken by a chuckle. Did the bastard just laugh at me? Zenas was ready to ignore the risk of fighting off a corrupted, his anger was building up pretty fast at that point.

The Ascendant let out a sight. With a swift movement the hoodie wasn't hiding the face, and even if the light that entered from the window was the same as nothing, he could still see it.

ㅤㅤㅤ “Why do you always end up in such state?”

His heart was beating so fast, he felt like it was just a matter of seconds before his ribcage was broken into pieces. There was a faint feeling of dizziness, his mind was a complete chaos and it was hard to swallow. His throat was dry. Time stopped.

He inhaled and breathed out. Zenas repeated the process many times and after his mind finally became just a white page, he did answer.

ㅤㅤㅤ “Lee…”

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈ ┈

🎐 I hope you enjoyed this.

🎐if you have any questions, ask me.

#sae pgr writings #pgr #punishing gray raven #i love lee so much #pgr lee #lee hyperreal #oc x canon #canon divergence #gray raven

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paperlovesadness · 10 months

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I saw the Arctic Monkeys live... Almost two weeks ago now (crazy) and it did in fact take me this long to recover enough to write this. So here's some thoughts:

❄️🧊🐒🐒🐒🐒🧊❄️

Well first of all - context - it was a festival. And really not only was it a festival - it was my first festival. And not only was it my first festival - it was really my first live show of a band I cared for and listened to and specifically came to see. (I'm not a babeh nor a babby - I just listen to a lot of dead & retired musicians and AM was my first chance at a live gig that I really wanted to see). So this was like... Super special of an experience to me.

more context: I stood... Many many hours in the spot I secured almost as soon as I walked onto the festival grounds. And therefore saw them from second row. Up close. And... I'd do it again in a heartbeat (but it definitely isn't for everyone and please don't take this as advice and listen to what you yourself know about your body's limits).

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

✨Thoughts & feelings & observations✨ :

I've been fully validated in my love for TBHC & The Car.

I can now confidently say that I adore them as albums and also that they are show stealers to me personally in their live versions. They absolutely hold up live.

Listen - yes - the heavier more traditional rock albums full-on destroy live - and I definitely would've cried if I didn't get to hear the classics at my show. I jumped and screamed the lyrics and danced and played out the lyrics. But the songs I got from TBHC and TC? They HIT the most, emotionally.

Maybe it's because both of these albums are in my top 3 of the Monkeys albums in general - or maybe it's because Alex just resonates with them more currently therefore being able to emotionally invest more into them and then that coming across and affecting me. I don't know. I think it's both. And when Sculptures came around... PHEW

Which brings me to: Sculptures like absolutely destroyed me the most of the whole setlist -and I definitely wasn't expecting it.

It's not even my favorite song on The Car (though of course it is up there. And it also was the biggest WOW SHOCK for me on my first album listen). But something about his voice during that song. The emotions. The instrumentals. And the echo they had over all of it... Jeez, it was all just very intense.

Four out of Five.

Not a complete fan of the new arrangement... Because I worship TBHC in it's original form - but even so - that song still slaps in any form. And you best believe I was out there screaming all the verses like there's no tomorrow. It hurt my teeny tiny heart that this is now the lone setlist survivor off TBHC. But that just made me clutch it even harder and fully give myself to the moment. (TBHC we will avenge you!)

I think I just straight up dissociated at Do I Wanna Know.

Maybe I'm a basic bitch of a fan - but I WORSHIP that song and riff - and It was just such a symbol for me of getting to see them live. I imagined the moment he enters with his beautiful 12-string vox SO many times. And when the time came I just sort of... I didn't know what to do with myself. I sang along and tried focusing and registering it all - but it was too much; too much pressure on myself too - so my mind just seemingly floated away.

Generally the whole thing was such a hugely important event for me that I had trouble registering it as real and felt a bit "mind-floaty" through it all - but that memory is just THE BLURRIEST of them all. So you can say it's an intense experience witnessing that classic live 😂

Witnessing the whole process live made me realize just how exhausted the whole gang must be.

The night before I - of course - scoured all social media for info about their arrival and set up - and so I saw all the little info about them flying in, their bus and their equipment truck arriving, all that. Then I got a report from how the soundcheck went around noon. And since I stood 7 hours in my secured spot I also saw the entire setup process with so many roadies running around. Allll that contex kind of... Gave me a good feel for the time that goes into this. Time and work and travel - all of that for a 1,5 hour live show - and then on they go to the next. Let's please appreciate artists and understand when they do seem a little off. Touring seems like an energetic nightmare (and especially for introverts).

Speaking of roadies... I wasn't building too many expectations stage design-wise. And the EFFORT surprised me so positively.

So basically - I knew Glasto had the mirroball and all the bells and whistles. But we weren't as important of a festival. So there was no way of knowing. I truly full on expected a bare stage. For months I'd watch clips of their other shows and think "ah. Too bad we don't get the mirroball moment". I came to terms with it months in advance - and then when someone posted a blurry photo of the mirroball showing up I was in shock. I love how much this whole team cares. It isn't a simple task driving all these props around and setting them up - the ball, the ring, the lights, the curtains in the themed Car color palette. I very much wouldn't blame them for having a "light" version for festivals in particular - when the roadies have like 30-45 minutes to set everything up right after the previous act ends. But no - there's a vision and they stick to it consequently and they don't differentiate between types of shows. No compromises - 100% of what they've got. It's honestly just beautiful to me.

Alex was... So mobile.

He fully pranced around that stage in his little heeled boots (!!!) doing his little gags and knocking over microphone stands with the cord of his guitar. He made sure to cover the whole stage and acknowledge all sides of the crowd - and come back and give us all attention a few times throughout the show. And I love him for it.

Alex is completely mesmerizing.

Okay - I say that as a person who's completely in love with his mind and talent (and... the packaging... ain't bad 👀) - so I get I'm not a very reliable source. But guys... That kid is magic (I say as if he's not 9 years older than me) (he's still babygirl though) He just is. He grabs your attention with his energy and doesn't let go until you've let him out of your sight (not of your own accord). Disappears behind that curtain.

I tried checking up on the other boys through the show - Nick managed to hide at an angle that kept him pretty invisible to me, unfortunately :c. Matt was killing it - and I loved noticing how Jamie just... Sways back and forth. But listen - even when I meant to look towards them more during the show - my brain just completely didn't allow it.

(And yeah. I get that's the role of the frontman. But... Guess the thing is he just does it so well. It didn't come naturally to him - as we know. It takes a lot out of him probably each time. But the energy is just there. And he could stand all night long and just sing and I'd still be mystified).

I already fangirled internally like crazy when I saw their guitars being set up and tuned.

And then during the show - I caught myself guessing what songs they were gonna play based on the guitars Alex was picking up. And just being weirdly proud of myself.

Also... The Epiphone Coronet looks so tiny live? I don't know. But it seemed that way - and isn't a tiny guitar for a tiny kitten just the cutest thing?

I missed my moment 😪.

Which really wasn't too big of a potential moment - but between songs people would shout titles of songs they want to play - and you know. It was usually AM or maybe FWN stuff. And during one of those moments I felt an overwhelming urge to shout "Perfect Sense". You know... To show that fans are indeed also excited about the actual album this tour is about. I ended up deciding against it - and literally like two seconds later Alex picks up his acouie and announces Perfect Sense. I sensed that. I could've had Alex Turner knowing I sensed that. But alas. I ended up just enjoying it in peace 🥲.

I won't take any interaction-themed slander.

I feel like people who are used to a lot of band interactions often speak ill of Alex and think he's an ungrateful frontman. Which - well first of all is bullshit because I don't believe artists need to be saying a word - it's the music you pay for. But secondly - he may not be saying much - but the energy he exudes and the sincere way he says things... Well it says it all. I feel like you have to be there to feel that energy and understand - but to me it was palpable that he was grateful for the enthusiasm, happy to perform and generally very emotionally invested in everything he was doing.

And then he thanked us and sent kisses our way multiple times too. And called us a beautiful audience (stop it Alexander! We're blushing!)

His shennanigans!

He seemed very happy to have a runway to get onto and use for his bowling shtick (I feel like he immediately got excited seeing that stage at soundcheck probably when he realized he could use it in that way).

There were no birds around to control - but there was the weather. So he did in fact ask the skies to "turn up that wind machine" as it started blowing and made him look like a vision during Sculptures (guys, truly. Sculptures live is insane. I'll repeat it forever). (🎶 Those words don't mean a thing where I come from, but I'll sing them forever 🎶) (I'm sorry, I had to).

All the little over-the-top faces he makes to enact the lyrics are a bit too adorable and almost made my heart burst.

Like... The "wah wah" crying one at "I feel the tears are coming on"? What a geek.

(but then also... Who hurt you 👀 it definitely makes Body Paint seem even more bitter and like it's a jab at someone).

And then - if you've made it here - one last thing I'll share with you - a very important screenshot of my notes app where I quickly started scribbling my fleeting thoughts in the days following the show:

And I think that's the best way to sum up what one feels seeing the Man the Legend the Genius the Poet Alexander Turner in the flesh for the very first time.

#A BIG POST #Because - as some of you know - I can't really write small amounts of text #it's all or nothing baby #but I wanted to throw it out there - cause I personally love reading all of these post-gig posts #Thoughts thrown into the tumblr void!#//#my posts #AM gig #Arctic Monkeys #blog stuff

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lightwise · 7 months

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Ahsoka's Choice

(Content warnings: long post, implied depression and wanting to give up on life, mention of suicide prevention week).

Life is not supposed to be a battle. I genuinely believe that it is not meant to be lived in survival mode, or be something to dread, or feel like a Sisyphean hamster wheel, climbing the same mountain over and over but going nowhere.

And yet.

It so often does.

The good becomes so entwined with the bad that you can’t separate them anymore.

Or even see any good at all.

Life is lived by placing one foot in front of the other, but our gaze is meant to be forward, not only down.

There have been a number of excellent takes on the in-universe meaning behind the Clone Wars flashbacks, Anakin’s lessons, and Ahsoka’s choice in Shadow Warrior. How Ahsoka has been keeping herself small, living in survival mode, haunted by the fear of her past, by what Anakin became, by her fears of becoming that herself or inadvertently leading others down that path, by survivor’s guilt, by the inability to move forward. (Please check out the excellent analyses below):

Anakin and Ahsoka learning to fight for the light

Recovering from PTSD and trauma and not letting the terrible things win

Overcoming the legacy of war and death

Running from childhood trauma

Ahsoka choosing to live

Ahsoka remembering who she is

However, without getting too detailed, I want to take a more metaphorical look at this episode and how it struck me personally.

My tagline is Daughter of Light. Ahsoka has been an extremely meaningful character to me since I first fell in love with Clone Wars several years ago, for her determination, her steadfast dedication to justice and kindness, and her strength in forging her own path in the midst of many difficult and undeserved circumstances. And this episode knocked me back in my chair, mouth open, trying not to cry at those four words: I choose to live.

The last few years have had some unique struggles in my life that have felt relentless at times, worn me down mentally and emotionally, and kept me in a state of difficult striving just to stay afloat on all fronts (financial, health, mental, etc.) I have honestly not wanted to stay afloat at points. And I’m still dealing with many of the effects of some of what I’ve been dealing with.

(I am fine in this moment, btw. This post is reflective of where I have been, and some of what I have felt. So please don’t worry about me if you read this, it is meant to be encouraging more than anything. But I am acknowledging and honoring the struggle that it sometimes takes to exist and keep going when life is difficult or doesn’t turn out the way you expected, or is simply just too hard and too exhausting for a bit too long. It is also suicide prevention week, and therefore extremely timely for this episode coming out).

“You lost a fight. Trust me, you lost.” - You can’t mince the reality of the situation, or pretend it’s better than it is, or that it doesn’t exist at all.

“So you do remember. That’s good, that means you still have a chance to live.”

“Tell me what’s going on.” - She wants answers. She wants to understand what is happening to her so that she can know how to face it, so that it can be dealt with quickly.

“I’m here to finish your training.”

“It’s a little late for that.” - Where were you when I needed you. If only I had known what I know now a little sooner. All of this could have been prevented, things could have gone differently.

“One is never too old to learn, Snips.”

“What’s the lesson, Master.” - Alright, I guess we’re doing this.

“Live…or die.”

Choosing life—it means literally, and spiritually, and it means a life that is actually filled with wholeness and connection and purpose, not just an existence eked out in survival mode. And as much as I hate it, you have to engage with the pain and the suffering, you have to fight through them, in order to get there. You don’t get out of survival mode by not fighting, even when all you want to do is lay down in defeat.

“I won’t fight you.”

In a vacuum, this is a decent sentiment. Maintaining one’s peace and refusing to give in to extraneous anger or regret is often a good thing. But that’s not the context here. It’s a negative, passive kind of choice, in this scenario at least. It’s choosing the lack of something, not the positive of something. I won’t fight…but what will you do instead?

All the lessons that Anakin begins taking Ahsoka through, forcing her to engage him, to keep going, to figure out ways to survive even when she doesn’t want to, when the cost feels too great, when her life has been handed to her against her will, is to get through to her the best way he knows how. To break her out of the isolation and defeat she has inhabited. To give her a path forward into momentum and purpose.

They spar—Ahsoka still with only one saber, half her strength. He pushes her back, and then cuts the ground out from under her feet. And she falls.

“Why are we here?” - Why am I having to learn this lesson again. I thought I had already dealt with this. Why am I having to feel these emotions again. Why do I have to put my time and energy on this same problem again and again.

“You tell me.”

“I don’t understand.” - She’s still trying to have logical answers before she can move on. We don’t always get them. If you wait for everything to make sense you’ll be waiting forever.

“That’s your problem. This is your training.” - The casualties of war. Her mistakes. Her failures. Her guilt. Her grief.

“The battle’s not over yet.” But oh how I sometimes want it to be.

“This isn’t what I trained for.” - This isn’t what I expected life to be like. This isn’t what I signed up for. This can’t be what all the effort of daily life adds up to. There has to be a whole greater than the parts.

“I’m teaching you how to survive, and to do that, you’re going to have to fight.”

“What if I wanna stop fighting.” - What if it’s not worth it. What if all the effort expended never actually leads anywhere that’s worth being. What if I’m too tired, too depleted to keep going.

“Then you’ll die.”

“My part of that legacy is one of death and war.” - But what if that’s all there is? What if that’s all my life will ever mean, is struggle and loss and pain.

“But you’re more than that. Because I’m more than that.” - But I’ve seen and felt horrors larger than life…how do I keep from drowning in them.

“You’ve learned nothing. Back to the beginning. I gave you a choice. Live or die.” - You can’t stop from drowning in them. You can’t take the struggle out of life. You can’t take the pain out either, or the mistakes. But you can get back up. And you can keep going.

“No!” - It shouldn’t have to be this way. It shouldn’t have to be this hard.

“Incorrect.” - But for now, it is. It may not always be. You won’t know until you get there.

“You lack conviction.” - I’m tired. I’m so tired. I don’t want to have to do this anymore.

“Time to die.”

Finally, technically defeated as both of her sabers are wrenched out of her hands, she takes Anakin's Sith blade and uses it against him. There’s a time when the way to get through difficulty is through sheer anger and force of will—I won’t let this thing beat me simply because I’m too mad to let it, I’m too bitter or resentful to stay down any longer…but while that can give you some fuel to get moving, eventually it will keep you stuck in place.

And then, she tosses it away. And with ferocity and passion and acceptance in her voice:

“I choose to live.”

Living doesn’t mean Ahsoka has to kill the phantom of Vader that still haunts her or continue the cycle of violence. She doesn’t have to fight because that’s the only way to survive. The choice she makes to live, is accepting that living might involve fighting, it might involve pain, it might involve darkness…but that’s part of what makes it life. But it’s not the only part. It will always be so much more than that. So much better than that. The darkness doesn’t get to defeat the light. You get to choose not to let it.

I choose to live.

You are not just the bad things that have happened to you. You are more than your traumas and your history and your mistakes and your regrets. You are more than those who came before you. You are more than what has shaped you, dragged you under, torn you apart. Your history is not your identity. Your pain is not who you are. Even when it’s all you can see or feel. Even if it’s all you’ve known, and the life you want always feels out of reach.

Life shouldn’t be a battle. We shouldn’t always be struggling or barely keeping our heads above water in survival mode. Sometimes letting yourself slip beneath the surface is necessary. You have to surrender to the waves, and accept the reality that more will come, before you can ride them. Just try to breathe in the process.

Finally, there’s one other thing that brings Ahsoka back to the land of the living. It’s not just her choice alone. It’s other people not giving up on her. Searching for her. Refusing to give up hope. Jacen hearing what is really going on, telling his mom to listen, really listen. Friends working together to pull her out of the ocean. Huyang bringing her a cup of tea and a blanket. She is resuscitated and rehabilitated by others. By her community.

Let’s choose to live. Together.

Hopefully, we can always make it worth it.

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ed-recovery-affirmations · 2 months

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Do you have any advice on how to navigate recovery burnout? I am 9 months into recovery and I am...exhausted. Not just the physical exhaustion that comes with recovery, but I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I want to have a normal life, but instead, I spend every day thinking about nutrition and meals and schedules for meals, on challenging the ed voice, diet culture, and fatphobia. The therapy to get to the root cause of my ed so I can fully recover. I try to escape into TV shows but there is often fatphobic messaging that I then have to mentally challenge. I do not want to give up. I have come so far. I'm just burned out.

Anon, this has sat in my inbox for longer than I expected because I'll be honest, I had to think really hard about how to answer it. Because honestly, this is something I struggle with as well. Sometimes it's hard to keep a continuous pattern of meeting my recovery needs when those become exhausting. So, you know, you're not alone?

First and foremost, I might suggest reminding yourself that it won't be this hard forever. People who work on a consistent treatment plan and invest in their healing tend to improve and have an easier time enjoying the benefits of whatever healing work they've done. It may not be much comfort now, when everything feels so hard, but just know it likely won't always be like this, that you do have more to look forward to. It might at least help increase your sense of hope.

I might engage restful hobbies that don't involve TV if you need breaks. It's hard because materials for hobbies often cost money, but crafting, painting, drawing, journaling, hiking or other activities that get your body outside and engaged with the world (if these are accessible for you) might help you get away from fatphobic messaging. You know, I bet you could also probably find groups of people who've made lists of media they like to watch that maybe has more body-neutral messaging? Sorry to give you more work to do at a time when you already have burnout. Come to think of it, this could possibly be something I could try to feature in a post, though I'm not honestly sure if I'll muster the stamina for that soon. I'm working full-time and going through some family drama (nothing serious or unsafe, just emotionally taxing.)

Do you have any passions or interests you could turn into a hobby, something outside of TV? I know a lot of people find TV to be their go-to decompressing method, and it really does suck that there's so much body negativity in all our media.

#ed recovery #burnout

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dangermousie · 2 months

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Ep 14 is one of my faves and, unsurprisingly, it's the nadir of the OTP relationship. The first time I watched the drama, I wasn't sure they'd recover.

Before I get to all the serious stuff, I want to say I am amused that SR manages to untie herself. Clearly, SY has never had to do practical things like knots before and isn't into BDSM either so he's just not very good at tying someone up in a way that sticks.

Love the way she prepares to fight tho, faking being out of it and then springing tho she doesn't know how to fight and all she has is a wooden piece.

Love the bitter irony of the contrast between their first visit to the gisaeng house together and this. Also, the fact that their reunion is him kidnapping her and her trying to stab him to death (OMG, that girl is tough!) before she realizes who that is and goes into shock is EVERYTHING.

She is so relieved and he's so dead inside (but not as dead as he wants to be - he is still haunted by overhearing her saying she wanted them to be each other's shadows; a lot of his anger is at himself - because he hates her and blames her and yet cannot stop loving her.)

I just love the way this is shot, with just one little bit of light on his face. And he's not wrong - he's a totally different person from the sunny scholar of the past - whenever we get flashbacks, it's genuinely shocking, that contrast - but the amazing thing is that on rewatch, I know she's gonna bring him back to life.

Kinda gasping at the fact that the thought of her marrying Myun bothers him as much as the death of his clan and he views it as just as heinous a betrayal - neither one of these emotionally compromised babies realize what he's admitted - how he's demonstrated that he's not only not over her but that she's emotionally still so important to him - even in the most dysfunctional way possible.

The way he loses it when she calls him seosangnim like she used to and grabs her by the throat? Jeez dude. He's basically tied everyone related to Sejo into one big "enemy" label but also he does it because it makes him feel and he doesn't want to - he doesn't want pain and he doesn't want hope and he just wants to kill Sejo and die and all utterly numb.

Dude, you are so not immune the way you wish you were.

He basically bolts out of there.

SR clearly likes hard work because ooooh boy. But I love that her devotion towards him and her attitude of - I don't want to say tolerance of his acting out but her loving him despite it - isn't motivated just by her love (though it very much also is), but also by the knowledge that her family owes him a blood debt, that his grudge is just (and in a society where a clan rises or goes down together, his not limiting hate to Sejo is also expected.) It is her father who has turned him into this feral quasi-monstrous wreck and I love that she never forgets it.

#kdrama #moon chae won #park shi hoo #the princess' man

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