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matchakuracat · 9 days

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chronically ill/physically disabled people, how do you deal with doctors appointments? what do you say/do to advocate for yourself? im autistic and not diagnosed with a chronic illness yet and i really struggle to know what to say to get them to listen to me and understand so that i can get the help and care i need. even if i bring someone with me, they also need to know what to say and i don't know anyone who understands well enough to explain to the doctor for me, which means that i have to tell them what to say before going. but that's the problem since i just don't know.

i have chronic joint pain that ive had for years but has only gotten worse over time. i also have hypermobile knees which are the worse they've ever been right now. i'm chronically fatigued and barely have the energy to eat and do basic hygiene. i have a few friends that i talk to fairly regularly and im very thankful for them but i still struggle so much with maintaining a social life when i cant even maintain my own physical wellbeing. i only go outside when i absolutely have to/when my pain is low enough and i have enough energy. on average i probably leave my house about once or twice a week, usually to go to medical appointments, to an internship i have once a week or to go grocery shopping. i usually try to do both at the same time if i can (like going grocery shopping after my internship) but most of the time i have to ask my parents to get me groceries since i dont have enough energy to. all i want is to be able to go outside just to take short walks and enjoy nature and the fresh air but i can't do so without the right treatment/a mobility aid. everything im doing right now is bordering the line of too much. im constantly tired and overwhelmed and everything feels like a struggle, even the smallest tasks most people do everyday without thinking twice about it.

i have almost only had bad experiences with doctors and other medical professionals like physiotherapists, which has given me a lot of extra anxiety on top of my already pretty bad social anxiety. i really struggle to make appointments and even more so to go to them, and when i bring myself to do so i really struggle to express myself and explain how i feel and how i want them to help me. i almost always get shut down and offered no actual help with any of my problems. i just don't know what to do anymore.

if anyone has any advice i'd really appreciate it. i know that i can't give up because my life right now without accommodations is too miserable, but i also don't know how to move forward.

sorry if this was hard to understand. i really tried my best to explain but im having a bit of a hard time expressing myself right now due to feeling worse than usual.

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e-m-ma-lmfao · 6 months

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HII im a huge fan of ur writing and ur one of the few final fantasy writers on here thats active 😭😭 i was hoping i could request some zack fair fluff? like before the events of crisis core, maybe he accidentally gets himself sick during work and angeal knows he'll just keep showing up for work bc he wants the promotion to first class so bad, so he gets zacks childhood bestfriend (reader) to go keep an eye on him and make sure he actually rests lol. zack keeps insisting hes ok but reader is having none of it and takes care of him, which eventually leads to a confession bc zack doesnt understand why reader cares so much and it just leads to everything coming out. i hope that made sense lol this is my first request :) dont feel pressured to do this of course!!!

Since We Were Kids

pairing : zack fair x (female) reader

summary : zack is determined to reach first class. so much so that he will push through one of the most debilitating cold's he's ever had. angeal attempts to get him home, calling in zacks childhood best friend for help.

“Angeal! Come on! You know how important this is to me..” Zack lets out a pitiful whine, attempting to persuade his superior, before his whine turns into a horrific coughing fit. He doesn’t have to look up now that Angeal’s face has made no changes, he is stoic and his decision is final, Zack will not be staying for work this week.

“You can take a week off.. Besides you're of no use to anybody with the state you're in. Go home, get some rest.”

“Fine..”

“I mean it Zack..”

“Yeah..yeah..i heard ya.” Zack crosses his arms, heavy sigh passing through his lips, eyebrows furrowing as he walks away from where Angeal stands. He was barely sick..a little cough wasn’t gonna hold him back from becoming a first class SOLDIER.

Zack barely lasts 20 minutes away from his training before his sword is back in his hands. His constant coughing fits are feeling him with annoyance but he powers through them to continue swinging away with the chunk of metal in his hands.

But why was he so tired? He usually had so much energy. Why was his sword so hard to carry? It never had been before..

And why did it feel like someone's hand was on his shoulder? “Zack!”

He jumps away when there is suddenly shouting coming from beside him, his head pounding in a way that wasn't noticeable until this moment, “Angeal! Hey pal..what’re you..uh..doing here?”

“What’re you doing here? I told you to go home.”

“I can’t go home, this is too important, I’m not even that sick..” Even Zack’s faith in the statement is beginning to falter, especially when his eyes become blurry from the dizziness pooling at the front of his head.

“Go home.”

“No way!” Zack expects Angeal to disagree again but he doesn’t, he actually doesn't say anything, he just walks away. It’s so out of character that Zack debates just listening to him and leaving so he doesn’t get demoted, but he decides against it and continues to practice while sweat pools on his skin.

It doesn’t take long for Angeal to return, Zack isn't worried when he hears his heavy footsteps from down the hallway, but he is unaware of the other pair of feet following close behind.

At this point, Zack is just staying for spite, his body is exhausted and he is barely swinging his sword, and his coughing fits are becoming more frequent to the point where he has to stop moving to take deep breaths.

“Zack. Enough is enough. Your friend can take you home now.”

“Huh?” Zack turns and almost starts coughing again, but only because the breath hitches in his throat, you shouldn’t be here, you shouldn’t be seeing him like this. It’s pitiful, his inability to stay strong for training is embarrassing, and your gaze full of pity isn;t helping in the way it usually does.

“She’s taking you home.” Zack opens his mouth to argue once more but Angeal has had enough, “No arguing. My decision is final, if I see you here again before I say you can return I will demote you myself, good luck reaching first class then..”

Zack looks defeated but he closes his mouth, and drops his sword with a loud clang, before trudging towards your side with his arms crossed tightly. His mannerisms make a giggle slip out of you, he looks like a child, but you quickly mask it as a cough when he shoots you a serious glare. Also reminiscent of a child but if you laughed again he might punch you.

He isn’t happy about having to leave, especially being escorted out by a lady half his size, but he doesn’t make any complaints when you intertwine your arm in his to keep him stable.

“I’m fine, y’know. I’m only going home because Angeal made me.” You nod along with him as he talks, hiding the disbelief running through your head. God was this kid stubborn, but it made you happy to know that his training hadn't changed the way he was when you were kids.

“Zack, you need to rest..”

“I need to reach first class.”

“How do you expect to do that if you can’t even hold your sword up, dork.” His face scrunches up, but to your surprise he doesn’t pull his body away, he actually does the opposite and pulls your arm closer to his body. He’s using you to hold up a large amount of his body weight, but you allow him as long as he needs.

When you finally reach Zack’s home, it takes more effort to get him into bed then you’d care to admit, he truly acts like a child insisting that he ‘doesn’t need to get any sleep because he feels perfectly fine’ followed by a coughing fit and him having to sit down because he feels dizzy. You promise him the soup that he likes if he gets into bed, to which he begrudgingly agrees to.

After practically forcing food down his throat, he finally allows himself to be tired and his head falls back onto the pillows. You place a cold cloth on his forehead, after feeling it with your own hands and deciding that his fever might only be worsening. How’d he keep training while being this sick?

You watch as he dozes off, you can tell he is trying to stay awake so he doesn’t fully admit that he is sick, but his body is taking over. He finally looks at peace, even though his hair is sticking to his forehead and his breathing is heavy, at least he’s getting some rest.

You plan on leaving, really you do, but you get so caught up in the image of him sleeping that you find your own eyes falling closed, head resting by his side against the bed.

When your eyes open again it’s dark outside, you can’t tell how long you’ve been sitting with him but from the darkness pouring into the room, it’s longer then you meant for. You worry for a moment, worry that you’ve overstayed your welcome and that Zack got up hours ago to sleep away from you, but when you turn the lamp on beside his bed you find him in the same spot you’d left him.

You’re greedy with how you look at him, you miss being so close to him. The proximity makes you realize how much you’ve missed him since he started his training, you hardly see him. And you wish the circumstances for finally seeing him again weren't because he was sick, and rather because he actually wanted to see you. But you’d take any time you could get with your best friend.

He stirs suddenly and you let your hand fall on top of his, tangling your fingers in his, as a way to bring him some comfort in his sleep. His skin is warm and clammy, heating up your hands, it should be gross but the feeling of his hand in yours fills your stomach with a flurry of butterflies.

Slowly, his eyes flutter open and you can tell he is dazed, the way he scans the room to gather his surroundings before landing on you once more confirms your thoughts.

“Y/n?” Zack’s voice is hoarse, causing him to clear his throat before he continues talking, “What’re you still doing here? How long have you been here?”

For a minute your heart pumps inside your chest faster than before, nervousness building in your stomach, “I’m sorry..I fell asleep a couple..hours ago I think. I didn’t want to leave right away in case you woke up again but I never meant to fall asleep.”

“Why’re you apologizing..” His fingers, which you had forgotten were tangled in your own, tense against your skin and tighten their grip on your hand.

“Sorry..”

Your second apology causes him to let out a laugh. A laugh that immediately has him sitting up because he coughs so hard his lungs hurt, and he squeezes your hand tighter in his lap while he tries to catch a breath.

When he finally catches a break, taking deep breaths while your hand slides up and down his back, he looks at you pitifully, “You’re gonna get sick..go home.”

“You're crazy if you think I'm going home. I’m not leaving, who’s gonna take care of you?”

“I can take care of myself, you know..”

“This is news to me.” You raise an eyebrow at him, to which he responds by sticking his tongue out tiredly. He can’t even retort like he usually does. He doesn't have the energy to argue and tell you to leave so you don’t get sick, Zack isn’t even sure he wants you to leave anymore.

“You don’t have to stay..”

“I want to, Zack. I care about you.” You can’t tell if his cheeks were already flushed or if they suddenly became red as you spoke to him, but either way you were sure your face was mirroring his.

He falls back onto the pillows, asking you quietly if you'll get him some water and another blanket before he gets the chills, and you happily oblige. Even while he’s sick, he is able to feel content and you’re happy to be the reason.

Zack's fingers find your hand again, squeezing gently as you sit on the chair beside him, “..Training is kicking my ass.”

“Yeah..but I’m sure it’ll be all worth it eventually,” You try not to let his spirits get down especially while he is in such a tired state, his training put on pause because of his sickness, and you ponder telling him more, “I miss you, you know..a lot.”

A small smile appears on his face, eyes puffy and bags under his eyes, and he looks towards you, “Yeah?”

You can only nod, embarrassed by his lack of affirmation that he has felt the same over the months he’s been training.

“I missed you too..” And the embarrassment flees from your body instantaneously, while his thumb rubs over the top of your knuckles.

The two of you sit in silence for a while, him playing with your knuckles as he tries to hold back the aggressive coughs that threaten to leave his mouth. His head is pounding, and he should feel like shit, but he truly can’t bring himself to when you're looking into his eyes all concerned and you’re letting him play with your hands with no complaints.

“Why’d you stay?” His voice startles you, and you try to pretend that you weren't staring at him and admiring every detail of his face.

“I already told you..” You roll your eyes, letting out a huff before leaning on the palm of your hand, in all honesty you were ready to doze off while Zack looked around your hands and face.

“No..no..why’d you stick around?” His question confuses you and you have to think about what he might mean and then it clicks. You hadn’t realized that he might be aware of how much time his training takes up. It hadn’t occurred to you that Zack could focus on anything but becoming first class.

He’d been neglecting your friendship, but when Angeal rang and asked you to pick Zack up you agreed without hesitation, you forgot instantly about how angry his schedule made you.

You’re not sure how to answer him. You could tell him the truth, that you had been madly in love with your black haired friend since you were children.

Or you could continue to lie, and claim that you had only stayed around because of your long lasting friendship that had absolutely no underlying romantic feelings that neither one of you could talk about.

“C’mon Zack..”

He stares into your eyes, right through you. He knows, he already knows, you don’t have to say anything to him. As he looks at you, he's pleading with you to admit it to him and it makes your stomach crawl with nervousness.

“Y’know I’d do anything for you..been like that since we were kids.” His eyebrows furrow at your attempt to dodge an admission that you hadn’t been prepared for an hour ago, you still weren't ready to admit to him that you were in love with him.

“Y/n..do you love me?”

Again silence fills the room and you’re unsure what to say to the expectant boy. You think, for a second, that he's joking. But his eyes are filled with such sincerity and genuine interest. He wants to know, and he doesn't seem to care if his question comes off bluntly.

When you don’t immediately respond he continues in your place, “Because I think I’m in love with you and I know I’d do anything for you. And I think you feel the same way. I can’t think of any other reason why you wouldn't ignore Angeal’s call, and tell me to deal with this by myself. I know I haven't been around like I should be. But you’re here anyway..”

“Zack please..of course I do. Been like that since we were kids,” You smile softly, repeating yourself and look down at your entangled hands.

He doesn’t let that allow that for very long before he is grabbing your chin to turn your head to face him once more, “I’m not gonna kiss you, because I don't want you getting sick. But I promise you, as soon as this sickness is gone I’m gonna be all over you..”

Even though his words, words you would've never expected to hear when you dragged him into his room just hours earlier, send a nervous shiver down your body you still find a way to tease him, “Careful Zack. Get too excited and your lungs might act up again.”

“Can I ask you to stay the night?”

How could you ever say no.

“Of course, Zack, anything for my first class SOLDIER.”

#zack fair #zack fair x reader #ff7 #crisis core #x reader #oneshot #drabble #female reader #final fantasy vii #ffvii #final fantasy 7 #zack ffvii #fem reader #final fantasy x reader

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doofus-and-dragons · 10 months

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This will more than likely be the last one of these I have. So, for the last time, here is my live reaction to the final season of TMA. These will be in no particular order because ice been listening to it over the span of a couple of weeks. I only listen to it at work.

TMA S5 Spoilers ahead

The cabin episode made me so sad. The eyepocolypse had even taken away their domestic bliss

I really don't remember the trenches that well. It's not a fear of mine, so it didn't shake me or stick well enough. Still good tho

The sickness episode sent me right back to senior year of highschool. I had to take a minute KXNSKXN

REVOLUTIONS WAS AMAZING I LOVED THE POETRY AND THE ACENGING OF SASHA BY KILLING NOT!SASHA. I love it.

At first I thought the worms was about Jane again but I was very wrong. It was a very interesting take!

Curiosity made me incredibly sad. I feel bad for Eric, Micheal, and Sarah(? Trinity? I don't remember. She was set on fire by a desolation avatar I think)

Also: Gertrude x Agnes perhaps???? Or at least solemn pinning? Maybe I just think it's slightly tragic to make it so and sometimes angst is good yknow?

Roots was ok, but the only part that stuck out to me was the jealous Martin scene. I listened to it like 3 times. I kept rewinding it just to list to it.

Fire Escape was SO good! It gave me a kind of manic energy as I listened to the descriptions of the fire.

Martin in the Lonely again made me cry. That's it.

"Who's this? Your boyfriend?" "Yes actually." "Oh...so is there anyway this doesn't end in me dead?"

The Basira and Daisy stuff actually did make me feel bad for Basira. Like, it's the apocalypse and she's having a whole ass crisis.

SALESA WAS INCREADIBLE

I wonder how he faked his death... man is talented and smart, I'll give him that

Skipping ahead to Martin's domain. Loved that. My boy isn't strictly human and I love that he can't deny that fact anymore.

Martin: Something something "one of you"

Jon, being a smug theater kid bastard boy: "One of us."

Like I heard that and I imagined him smirking ominously and gesturing with both his hands

He sounded so pleased that his boyfriend, as miniscule a role it had or that martin had, was like him, and I love that for him

I'm so glad Melanie and Georgie are happy. Though, the cult does weird me out (cults give me the heebie jeebies. It was a very nice touch!)

They deserve nice things.

Also, my favorite of the Cult members was Anil's character. I can't remember his name right off the top of my head, but he was wonderful. Anil did amazing with that little cameo/role

The scene where's he's arguing with Martin reminds me of that Jojo meme with jotoro and dio, but instead of stands they have their poetry clutched tight in their fists

"I dont need a poet." No, Jon, because you already have one. His name is Martin

Of course Jon gets trapped in the ocean when he doesn't have big string martin to row him out of it XD

SOMEWHERE ELSE SOMEWHERE ELSE SOMEWHERE ELSE

Annabelle Cane is wonderful, I'm so glad Jon didn't kill her. She's so chummy with Martin up until she has to be a dramatic villain and I love that for her!

The ladder episode made me grin like a maniac manly because I would be the Martin in that situation. I love the feeling of falling/floating, but I hate actually getting myself to fall. I physically can't do it. I can barely dive into the lake from my papaw's boat

Martin, there are thousands of fanfics that dive into you two getting together without the trauma. Don't even.

NO JON THE PLAN

Hey, real elias! That's where him being a stoner comes from! Because he is one! Nice.

I love og Elias, and I would protect him with my life I don't care.

Oh wait it was just Magnus dreaming

JON NO THE PLAN FUCKING HELL

I almost cried when Martin was yelling at Jon. The boys are fighting

THE KISS HOLY SHIT ALEX SAKD THEY WOULDNT KISS THEY KISSED AH

They're somewhere else being happy and domestic now you can't change my mind

#basira hussain #the magnus archives #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #mag 200 #tma s5 #tma s5 spoilers #melanie king #georgie #their cult ig #mikaele salesa #alice daisy tonner #jonmartin #somewhere else #annabelle cane

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autisticlee · 1 year

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I know I need to "just do things by myself" like literally everyone tells me, but I really wish I had someone I can always ask to go places with me even if it's just to one store for one quick thing.

I barely have the ability to function enough to take care of myself daily. leaving the house for any reason is basically impossible most days. I don't have the energy and ability to drive, find the thing I need at a store, interact with people, and do the checkout dance, then drive home, all while acting "normal" (or appropriate/presentably human enough) in public with the added bonus of sensory overload. for most people, going to the store is one single task. that's all it is. for me, it's hundreds of simultaneously occurring steps I need to remember to do and maintain the entire time....

it's so hard to explain this to people. no one gets it. but i need someone else to do the human-ing for me and I just follow along. they drive, answer or ask questions and let focus be on them, lead me to the thing I need, let me copy them so I dont stand out with my weirdness...so many times i'll go to a store to get a few things alone. the sensory cacophony of everything hitting me at once makes me forget what I'm looking for, tunnel vision on the offending sensory input and can't see where i'm going, can't find things even if they're in the same place they've always been, i've run into people and things, knocking stuff over, because my body disconnects from my brain and it's hard to control. if people talk to me, I can't process their words or respond. I can't ask questions if I need to. i'll wander lost for way longer than I want to be there.

this whole time, i'm trying my best to put on a mask and appear "normal" so I can blend in, but i'm struggling and it's probably obvious because idk how to act "normal" or as expected when alone. so many times I come home without one or more of the things I needed from a store even if I had a list in hand.

I completely space out and dissociate way more often than i would like. not even stores when i need to go in and out quickly, but anywhere. if I try going to a thing that's supposed to be fun, like say a festival or aquarium or anything else, and I go alone because I don't have a friend to go with, I spend the whole time in a sensory overloaded, dissociative state, while being required to perform "normal human" rituals and masking. then get home, realizing I didn't enjoy it or retain much of it because my brain was overworking and i got exhausted as soon as i got there. i didnt get to relax and enjoy any of it because it was so much work and my brain shut down while there to try protecting itself. it's a whole brain exercise that exhausts me beyond belief. this whole time. i'm trying my best to put on a mask and appear "normal" so I can blend in, but i'm struggling and it's probably actually very obvious because idk how to act "normal" when alone and don't have someone to copy and follow.

if I have someone familiar with me, especially someone comfortable who i dont have to lead or entertain, I can ground myself better and focus more on them. I follow and copy them so I dont have the try as hard to be a human and think about doing human things. it's easier to copy someone doing the things than to try to think of the hundred steps you probably forgot and perform them alone. they always answer people so fast before I even processed half the words that were said to me.

it always surprises me when people do that. they'll answer a question before I even processed it was a question! I always need someone to be there for me to answer for me because i'm too slow, they get impatient, and/or I answer incorrectly, if i'm able to speak at all being semi-speaking. at least half the time if I do get words out, they don't hear me or mishear me. for example, just yesterday, I made my mom go to a new sushi restaurant with me. the waiter apparently asked if I was ready to pay, my mom was gesturing to me ans asking if im ready or something and the waiter was looking at me, but my brain couldn't make any of it out at all. I was staring between them like ???????? and gave up and just shook my head no. my brain was trying to figure it out and process anything at all, but i got incredibly confused and completely froze up. my mom answered "not yet" and they left. I was like, what was that about ? She said "they wanted you to pay now. you're ready to go right? now we have to wait again." I didn't get any of that, and if I was alone, that would have been even worse because I wasn't able to figure out anything or even say words. I need someone with me at all times to cover my perpetually lost and confused ass lmao

but it's also a struggle when the other person is like this too, puts too much attention on me, or expects me to lead us both. it causes the same effects as if i'm alone, plus the added bonus of needing to entertain and/or advocate/answer for and lead THEM, when I can't even do it for myself! I had a friend like that and it was annoying and immediately exhausting every time we hung out.

I don't know if any of this is making sense. i'm sure at least one person's gets it, though, right? how it's hard to consciously and appropriately act human in public when alone, but copying or hiding behind another person makes it easier than thinking about it all yourself, while sensory overload! if i can I just exist along with them and the focus isn't all on me like it is when i'm alone, it's a lot easier.

acting "normal" like a human, or basically what's "appropriate" in public spaces around others takes so much brain power that most people don't have to even think about! because it's automatic for them. so they can't fathom how much i'm struggling and it's so easy for them to say "just do it/you don't need help/you don't need someone to do it with or for you/you're being lazy!" plus adding on sensory overload you can't ignore, while everyone else is able to completely tune out and ignore the horrible lighting, the squeaky cart wheels, the crying babies and screaming kids, the 50 different conversations, the loud phone ring tone a few aisles over, the annoying music playing, someone dropping a box of something, crinkling of wrappers, the cash register beeps, the air being a bit too chilly, the annoying seam on your socks, the scratchy material of your jacket, the overly bright display of products, etc. everything all at once in great intensity. people who can ignore this don't know how lucky they are. they also don't understand what it feels like. it's exhausting.

i'm like a cave gremlin seeing light and the world for the first time ever, every time I leave my room. everything is confusing and overwhelming, but because i'm human shaped, everyone expects me to have the expected human behaviors and they freak out when i dont meet those standards. they don't care how difficult it is for me and how much i'm struggling. they won't help or accommodate me. it has to be my fault I made them uncomfortable.

exposure doesn't make it any better and arguably makes it worse because more sensory overload and more need to use my brain to overthink every word and movement I do, leading to a very deep exhaustion immediately 😫

this is why functioning labels or comparing me to my "good" days/experiences sucks and shouldn't happen. I often need help/support and people expect me to ~do it myself~ and refuse to help me so I struggle and fail to exist correctly.

#autistic #autism #lee rambles #actually autistic #neurodivergent #audhd #autism things #sensory processing disorder #sensory overstimulation #sensory overload #i copy pasted this from where i first typed it and somehow pasted it in the incorrect order because tumblr app is a nightmare #it kept jumping as i was trhing to paste so things pasted jn the wrong spots. but i *think* i fixed it. apologies if not lmao #its one of those days. where i wish to go a place and do a thing but have no one to ask so i will not go #i need a dedicated beat friend i can always ask who preferably has the same work schedule as me or flexible time #or become rich and hire someone to do things with me l m a o #why is tumblr app such a nightmare though why is it jumping around while i type #and why does it turn a whole paragraph italics when i only highlighted ONE WORD.#and dont even get me started on trying to rearrange pictures in a post lmao #this has been a rant within a rant #autism stuff

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bonefall · 1 year

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HI ok u dont gotta post this i just wanted to give some info bc u mentioned wanting to do disability right and i just wanted to give info u might find useful. Leopardstar has diabetes and while idk if she gets murked or not before that goes into full force, but shed absolutely not be herself during that whole shebang.

The first signs would be increaded dirt place visits to go pee, and needing to drink a lot. Wouldn't be too hard for cats to miss this since they live in riverclan, Clan Of Water, but it'd be an UNUSUAL amount. Personally, i noticed it myself and genuinely got concerned bc i was drinking triple what i normally did and would wake up in the middle of the night specifically to chug water.

Next thing would be her getting skinnier and out of breath more easily. Her body would effectively be eating her muscles away and shed 100% be unable to fight well or even at all at this point- accounting for exercise and a relatively low carb diet of fish, maybe these symptons would show up after a month and a half? At this point a medicine cat could notice the odd lack of energy but i doubt it'd be obvious what was happening, the medicine cat might pat her on the back, give her some herbs (honey or berries would be BADDD), and send her off.

Soon after shed start throwing up sugar, which just straight up burns ur throat like hell. Its hell. She'd also not feel too hungry now- in reality shes starving, and her body is too busy not dying to notice nor care. At this point if Mistyfoot did Her Thing, Leopardstar would barely be able to stand let alone fight her. In her final days shed be completely weakened and barely able to focus, and she'd start getting pains in her stomach and pelvis. I was unfortunate enough to cut it extremely close, and when i was diagnosed i was told i had less than half a week to live if i hadnt went to the hospital. Depending on if the medicine cat catches on, they could absolutely be making everything 50 times worse by feeding her berries or honey to soothe her burning throat, feeding a cycle of eating honey and throwing up the sugars in the honey. I did this with gingerale and it SUCKED.

Now!! If you want to have leopardstar put up a FIGHT and have her have diabetes and live with it, theres a few ideas. Firstly, only type 1 i believe can be treated without insulin. Secondly, Bloodclan could 100% steal human insulin and give it to Riverclan. The two are compatible i /think/. Three, idk the exact process but apparently you can make ur own insulin using the pancreas from animals, which she could use to survive. Four, without medicine, shed have to do a lot of exercise and manage her diet. With a raw fish diet it's much easier, but she'll probably not be too happy about not being able to eat tunnelbuns without feeling like crap and throwing it up after.

Going down the Bloodclan sourced medicine route, Misty could also kill her using the medicine. Insulin is a delicate balance- too little and you start throwing up and ur body eats u again. Too much and you have no energy to move and you can die within the next hour. Doesnt even take that much, a dose of 18 when youre supposed to take 16 can be deadly. Double that amount and i doubt even a medicine cat could save her even if she knew- low bloodsugars make someone irrational or emotional + extremely whoozy, and its HARD to force feed someone honey when theyre adamant that theyre perfectly fine and just a little sleepy, thats all. In her sleep, and Leopardstar would maybe wake up briefly, feel extremely tired and odd and unable to move, and fall asleep and die.

Anyways this has been ur probably too long rant about diabetes and leopardstar hopefully its helpful in some way o7

[ID: A student is taking notes]

You know, in my rewrite, Leopardstar is actually going to be killing Crookedstar. Not in a way where she would be caught-- I had been thinking it would be a generic poisoning. Maybe it would be dramatic and fascinating if Leopardstar had actually pulled this insulin trick... only to then recognize that Mistyfoot is trying to poison her in the same way.

I'm committed to Leopardstar dying in a battle with Mistyfoot. I had this awesome idea for the Sweet Nothings AU where a Villain Thornclaw lead Hollyleaf somewhere that the winner wouldn't be caught for their victory, so they could have a proper fight to the death.

What if I used that plotbunny here instead? Leopardstar realizing that Mistyfoot had brought her the wrong dose of insulin (I will work out how they get insulin when I make a herb guide for it), and deciding if either of them is going to die, they will die honorably. Not by trickery, but by the strength of their claws.

So she calls for Mistyfoot, tells the Clan they will be confronting rogues at the border, and then they march towards their final confrontation.

#And as for diabetes--#The two guys who have diabetes in canon are Heavystep and Leopardstar. These characters are both Thistle Law supporters #So I will be grabbing some others to have this #Reedwhisker is the father of Curlfeather and Podlight in this so Frostpaw or her sibs could get it #Or even Stormfur #Or I could just grab some randos to have it. I think it may be cool if Mousewhisker has it actually #Since he has a relationship with Minnowtail #He could justify his meetings as going to trade for his meds #I will probably be making the WC equivalent of herbal insulin come from some sort of fish #At first I figured Pikes would be really cool since they have huge livers #But I need to look closer at big pancreases in british wildlife...#Disability #Bonefall Leopardstar #Bonefall Rewrite #Bonefall TNP #Bonefall Mistystar

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godmona · 5 months

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i know this is on my new account so i dont have a lot of my followers here yet, but i will be reblogging this post on all of my blogs i have. life update, whatever you want to call it. heart failure, sickness, hospital, surgery and just death stuff in general.

in november, my dad collapsed in the house and had to go to the er by ambulance. he’s been dealing with heart failure for years, had open heart surgery back in like 2010, and had a defibrillator put in. he’s never gone back in to have the defibrillator batteries replaced and his heart has been getting worse over the years with age. in november, we finally were able to convince him to have the surgery to do that. it went great!! his heart started to work a little better and catching up with his body. last week, my mom called me to say that he couldn’t breathe, and she convinced him to go back to the hospital via an ambulance again. it’s not good. his liver is failing. both his kidneys are failing. so everything your kidneys are supposed to filter out is just sitting in his body. he has had a breathing tube down his throat for almost a week and they have to take it out soon or it’s going to cause permanent damage or they’re going to have to put a permanent one in, which he’s already said no to. he’s stable, but he’s stable because the machines he’s on are doing all the work for his body right now. my sister is down there with my family ( they live in another state ) and my job basically told me to go fuck myself as far as going down there right now. it’s not good, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to get any better. he's conscious, but with the breathing tube in his throat he can only answer yes or no questions. again, my sister is down there, but me and my sister both know that he doesn't want to live on life support and stuff like that. on top of that, there's the problem with what to do with our mother. me and my sister are not close to her, we do not care about her, we've been trying to go no contact but haven't because we love our dad. she's never worked a day in her life, and is completely useless in literally everything. once something happens to my dad, we have no idea what the fuck to do with her. and everytime she calls me to update me on my dad's condition, she immeditely makes it about herself when we've told her this was coming years ago. she should have figured something out. i'm not using the money i make to take care of a grown 44 year old fucking woman. i’m completely helpless in the situation, and i’ve never lost a family member i knew or was close to before, let alone a parent. it is hard to exist, let alone be online. i see my notifications of tumblr and discord and i’m sorry if it looks like i’m ignoring you or something but i genuinely do not have the energy for anyone except my partners right now. i’m trying so hard to figure out a way to go do down there ( probably for a funeral because it doesn’t look like he’s going to make it to the end of the year ) without loosing my job because i do not have an immediate new job to set up to go to. it would be different if i needed time off to go to a funeral in the same state, but its in another state, so money and travel time. in the end, if they’ve got a problem with me going to my father’s funeral, i will be quitting my job as well. which we all know how the job search is, and the financial strains on households as it is. im barely getting up enough in the morning to go to work in retail without having a breakdown of the stuff going on. so this is that update. please don’t expect much from me right now.

#& out of character /#& update /#tw; sickness #tw; hospital mentions #whatever you need me to tag this i dont know.

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transitioningpirate · 6 months

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today - 03/11 - dates exactly one month since i've started t!!!!! i'm so happy and honestly so pleased with everything. i had a bit of a bad month (got sick, had a bit of a falling out with someone and then i got sick again) but seeing the effects it's had on me already makes me honestly so happy. and thinking about what's to come makes me so much happier!! it's been a while since i realized i actually was feeling excited for the long term future. it's amazing.

here's some of the changes i noticed:

same as the last list - hunger and thirst have increased a lot. the doctor says it's because of my metabolism, it's much faster now. this is good but also bad because i keep forgetting to drink water. this is something that i've always struggled with. before this week, i've already ended up in a hospital because of dehydration like three times. anyways, i used to live in an island, very used to humidity, and this year, for college, i moved to a town that's, like, over an hour away from the nearest beach. it's very very dry. and like i said before, in november we were hit by a terrible heat wave, and it all piled up: fast metabolism, heat wave, dry place, me forgetting to drink water frequently, and you guessed it: i ended up at the hospital yesterday :(. had to take some pain meds and some saline, but im totally fine now, and ill make sure it doesn't happen again!

so much more energy. i know i said this already, but it's crazy, seriously, i have so much more energy just in general, for everything. it's amazing. ive been sleeping better, eating better, working harder, studying more, it's crazy. my mood has increased a lot, too, actually, especially after my second t shot.

irritability, but i think this has more to do with my personal life. a bit of tmi here: i was seeing someone until not long ago but some not-very-nice stuff happened, and i asked for a break (with no intention of returning, mind you, despite what he so confidently claimed) and immediately after realized i very likely had an sdt for the first time in my whole life. for the record, this is the only person ive slept with this whole year, basically. so. yeah, i was stressed, you can say that. spent a bit of money on meds, and im already feeling much much better, but it definitely took me down for a couple days, emotionally and physically, and i honestly think my irritability came from that, but maybe t had a hand on it too? who knows

two friends of mine claimed im growing a moustache, but i dont think so yet. i already had a very thin very small moustache before, and maybe it's getting a bit thicker? i haven't noticed it personally except in one (01) picture i took with a weird lightning. im not sure... but i like to think so! maybe it's just starting to get thicker and it'll actually grow eventually!

acne. i bought a soap for my face specifically, and i use it everyday, sometimes twice a day, so it's not as bad as it could be, but it's definitely present. mostly in my forehead and my chin. it's easily taken care of, though, and doesn't hurt and barely shows, so it's whatever

my voice has definitely gotten deeper! not significantly so, but it definitely has, it's noticeable, and i love it so much. i love listening my own voice. i love listening to myself talk. i love it, love it love it love it so much. i record so much more audios on wpp now, i like hearing them back, i like hearing myself!!!!! it's the best. ive never felt this way about my voice before. im so happyyyy <3<3

it's so hooooot god i feel hot almost all of the time, everywhere it's warm and i sweat sooooo much. doubled my deodorant use and i have no regrets. it's not a bad thing, but it is mildly inconvenient sometimes, ngl. living in this hot as all hell town definitely doesn't help. ive wore more light and freeing clothes and it actually helps a lot, though. plus, my baby cousin's birthday this month will be a pool party, so im hella excited for that!!!!!!

if i can think of anything else, ill add onto this. thank you so much :3

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plasmasimagination · 5 months

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Hi there! I recently stumbled upon your account and I must say that this is what I was looking for for quite some time. I am interested by your matching up event and was wondering if you're still up for it?

Fandom: Honkai Star Rail (and/or) Genshin Impact

Preference: women

Characters I would NOT like to be paired up with: men

(I am pretty much gay)

I am a cisgender woman, she/her pronouns. ENTJ, Virgo sun, Libra moon, Scorpio rising.

I am androgynous-looking, can easily be mistaken for a dude. My voice is deep and had a slight rasp to it. When it comes to clothes I present soft masc. I am 6', very athletic (as it is a big part of my life to stay active). I have brown eyes and wavy hair that is styled in a short wolfcut with a middle part and curtain bangs. No tattoos, but when I have the money I will get covered in designs.

I perceive myself as a calm and collected person who is more on the quiet and observing side. Which, close ones always tell me, makes me appear intimidating and judging (Scorpio rising). I like to keep my social circle small and trustworthy because I have trust issues. But around my friends I am friendly and always there to help out with the teenage dramas. I would say my top traits are sarcasm, assertiveness, loyalty, and adaptiveness. (Being an ENTJ and Virgo sun say enough about me, but I am softened up by my Libra moon.)

I am a very artsy person, but also very sporty. I am passionate about a lot of things (playing the guitar, drawing, writing, reading, acting, playing soccer, volleyball, training calisthenics, martial arts...) but in this short lifetime I had to choose one, and it is drawing - more specifically, becoming an Architect.

I've never been even close to catching feelings for someone. I've had barely any crushes, none of them real, none of them celebrities, just successful/badass/dangerous/mean women from fiction. I guess that puts me somewhere on the Asexuality spectrum, most likely Demisexual. I want to use my teenage years to work towards building a secure career for myself so that I could eventually spoil and take care of someone who deserves it.

I don't have much preference for looks, despite the fact that I am attracted to femininity, not necessarily someone stereotypically girly, but fem. For me, I need someone who will be able to match my energy and challenge me with playful banter and deep, meaningful talks. Someone who has a strong and unapologetic personality, (I am a sucker for mean fems), but knows when to stop and take a step back.

[Thank you, even if this doesn't get attention, which I completely understand. I will love to see your future works and posts!]

HEYYY DARLING ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡ IM SO FLATTERED HIHI (*ˊᗜˋ*)

Anyways as for your matchup....hmhmhm...

Your match is....

KAFKA

OKAY OKAY let's be honest this was to be expected!

Scary looking girlfriend X equally as scary looking girlfriend (both can beat your ass)

I like the power couple dynamic here.

Plus I think she fits your type pretty well hmhm...

Kafka would be quite interested in your hobbies, she isn't very vocal about it but sometimes she just sits in the same room when you're doing something (drawing/playing guitar/writing etc...) and she'll just discreetly pay attention to it.

She also will kind of tease you about it, telling silverwolf and blade how good you are at your hobbies, and she'll intentionally do it in front of you

Chaining it to the one above-She likes showing you off, not only your hobbies...just you in general

She will also vibe with your attitude and find it amusing and definitely match it just as strong.

Also I think that kafka would also have equally trouble to completely warm up to you, yeah shes confident and flirty with people but I dont think she trusts people as easily,but when you guys spend more time together she would actually become quite fond of you

YAE MIKO

Honestly this is a pretty good pair, love it Picasso

I don't think miko is as outgoing and challenging as kafka, but she's there

It's just that miko is a bit more how do I put this ..dominant? Controlive? I know it sounds bad to put her up against kafka but I have a feeling miko is more on the serious dominant side while kafka is more playful, especially with their darling

Though yae miko is quite the person to talk to in moments of need, she's a good listener and gives good advice, she could simply talk&listen with you for hours on end

She, similar to kafka, would definitely match your vibe, just a bit more reserved type of sarcasm for example.

She's sly with it, just how fox's are eh?

Miko would take it slow to become closer to you, as she can guess you're having trouble fully trusting her, and she would definitely be less teasing at the beginning when you guys first met than when you're in an established relationship

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atthebell · 6 months

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“if it’s not your speed it’s not your speed” i 100% agree that streamers don’t owe us edited videos, and while i do think a good portion of people are complaining about streams because they’re, as you said, “not your speed”, another major problem for people is probably time. i’m a student, and between school and homework i miss just about every stream. as well, it’s really hard to go and look through vods to try and figure out what happened that day. while liveblogging is useful and really appreciated, at the same time i would like to be able to see what happened for myself, yk? so as someone with nearly no time (or energy by the end of the day) i really love the idea of edited videos. (and i’d like to reiterate I DONT THINK STREAMERS OWE US ANYTHING- this is more so just my personal, really frustrating problem)

anyway sorry for the rant i’m incredibly frustrated over my lack of time to keep up with qsmp and needed to talk about it somewhere💀👍

i get that its frustrating to not be able to see everything from an smp you're really interested in (i have a lot of time on my hands and still dont catch everything i'd like to, qsmp just has THAT MUCH content, its literally impossible to keep up with even just one character really) but my issue is the amount of complaints ive seen where people are literally saying they think ccs suck shit for not editing down their streams into youtube videos. like. dude. you are not owed shit. and i keep seeing it presented in this way, not just for edited videos but in general, like people complaining that cellbit doesn't post his qsmp vods to youtube and saying that that is the bare minimum creators owe us. no it is not! he doesn't owe you that! no cc owes you that! you are not owed content! i don't care if you're a tier 3 sub or whatever, you are not owed anything. people feel incredibly entitled to creators right now and it feels emblematic of how people consider entertainers and labor generally (because yes, entertainment is a job, including twitch streaming), and i find it really disappointing. creators do not have an ethical obligation to provide you with content, and definitely not personalized content. to assume otherwise is parasocial and weird.

i understand that not having a lot of time makes streams really difficult. there was a point in time a couple years ago when i worked 20 hours a week as a full time grad student and had to try to catch streams on my walk home, and it wasn't fun! edited videos are much easier to consume, and i get why that would turn people off something like qsmp where 95% of content is livestreams and only like. two people post videos and not even regularly. i also do think "if it's not your speed, it's not your speed" doesnt just refer to taste-- i'm well aware many people do not have the time to catch that many streams if they can catch any. that sucks! it does not make it a moral failing on the creator's part, and it doesn't mean you can't watch any qsmp, but it does mean that your ability to watch it is hampered and you probably have to live with that. i'm not saying people in this situation can't complain. i'm saying don't turn it into a moral issue. to me the way that people talk about it is so rarely framed as "man, i wish i had all the time to watch this," or "i wish there were more creators editing down their videos!" and more often framed as something creators dont do because they're stupid or careless. they're not either. they're twitch streamers. many of them don't post youtube videos at all and have not in years. that just isn't the content they make. and i'm sorry that that means some people can't watch, but it doesn't make it a failing on their part.

like, feel free to kvetch about not having enough time to see bagi and pac lose their minds over fed worker murders! i also do this! i complain weekly about missing streams to take care of my nephew, even though i love spending time with him. but don't talk about it as if it's a war crime that phil doesn't edit down his qsmp lore. and i'm not saying you do this, anon, bc obviously i have no idea who you are. but all of the above and what i said in my notes is about the people who actively, vocally talk shit about ccs like they're personally owed edited down videos when that just isn't the case and makes them look like jackasses.

#asks #anons #discourse

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wolfmoonmusic · 10 months

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Rant

i feel like im a jack of all spades and the queen of none.

im sposed to practice music, study and get nearly 100% on each test, lose weight, eat right, sleep right, be social, be different, not like what my parents dont like, shouldnt be into normal teenage things, take care of my youger bro and my family because im "almost 18 and an adult of this family and cant be selfish", i cant go out with friends, i cant be my fucking self. At school? I'm the therapy friend, I have to handle this girl who acts like she's fucking 5 and she wont leave me alone and she's draining my mental energy with how she behaves, as if im her baby sitter. no one really cares, there's always one person that everyone would choose over me. i really don't see the point in living anymore. i barely see my bestfriend because she goes to a different school and we're both so busy we can never have a proper convo. all the guys ive ever liked dont like me because im "not pretty enough" or 'cool enough' but no one ever wants to really get to know me cuz just by looking at my face and my glasses and the way i look like a traditional indian girl they ignore me. but i cant NOT be like that cuz then i get shit for it at home. I really really dont want to be here anymore

all the people who promised to never hurt me, hurt me in the worst way possible just so that they didnt have to feel so terrible abt themselves and IT SUCKS because they expect me to take it just cuz im fucking nice

tumblr is my safe space. people here are so nice. but its.....online. its just not the same.

I don't know what to do anymore. I need serious professional help.

I hate myself so much it hurts. And i dont know what to fucking do. I HATE IT.

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laffy-taffy-creations · 7 months

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Day 1 of whumptober!

This fic was cross-posted on Ao3 here

Just One Day

Safety Net | Swooning | "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Words: 1,040

Warnings: sickness, overexertion, self-hatred, human experiments, broken promises, adultification of a minor, child abuse

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, uhhh…3?” someone asked.

I turned. “Oh, hey 7. What’s up?”

“9 sent me to see you. Whatcha doing?”

“Fixing the home remedy for tonight’s batch of allergic reactions. Our stupid ‘caretakers’ decided that fish sticks would be a brilliant choice of dinner despite at least 170 of the nearly 300 of us being allergic to fish or the oil the use to fry shit.”

“Really?”

I scoffed, “I know right? You’d think they’d realize what a bad idea that is.”

“No,” she said, “I mean you know how to combat allergic reactions?”

I looked at her confused. “Yeah, I’ve been the one making the remedies for everyone since being chosen as an experiment… did you really not know this?”

“I mean, I knew someone was making them, but I figured it would be one of the adults, not… you… do you even have allergies?”

“No, but that doesn’t really matter?”

She was stunned. “3. You’re 11. Are you trying to tell me that ontop of caring for literally every person in this facility, teaching everyone Japanese, making sure we’re all safe and that fights dont break out, keeping us educated as possible, ensuring we all make it to sleep at night and tending to the other kids teens and sometimes adults that have issues sleeping, you’ve also been the person keeping track of allergies and making the drinks infused with whatever it is that keep allergies from being life threatening?”

“Uhhhh, yeah? Why is that so confusing to you?”

“3! You’re 11 for crying out loud! Are you trying to tell me you’ve been single-handedly taking care of everyone in every aspect imaginable SINCE YOU WERE NINE?!?!?!”

“7. Calm down.”

“I will NOT! You’re a fucking fifth grader taking care of nearly 300 people on your own!”

“And I’ve been doing that job just fine for 2 years.”

“3-”

“Sayovai.”

“No, I dont wanna hear it, what the actual fuck 3?-”

“Sayovai.”

“You cant be serious, I mean-”

“SAYOVAI! YEHLISA UMOYA!”

She finally paused.

“I am fine. You are fine. I am doing what I have to so we can all survive here, I’m our safety net. Ngicela ungithembe nje, kulungile?”

She took a deep breath and nodded. “Fine. So long as you promise awuzicindezeli… you can promise me that, akunjalo?”

I laughed a bit. “Yebo, ngiyathembisa.”

“Good.”

----《 ¤ 》----

I tried to keep my promise.

----《 ¤ 》----

“3, you doing good?” Max asked me.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I think, just a mild sickness…”

He paused. “Go back to your room.”

“What?”

“Go back to your room. If you’re sick right now, you have to go rest.”

I protested, “I’m fine Max! It’s just a mild sickness of some sort…”

“OV, if you could see yourself right now, you’d know damn well this isn’t ‘mild sickness’.”

I scoffed.

“You’re barely walking right now.”

“Liar.”

“I’m not lying, I-! Actually, you know what, stay right fucking there, I’m getting 9.”

“Okay, but I’m telling you, it’s not that bad.”

I waited for a while.

They finally returned but… Was I on the floor now? When had that happened?

There was some noise, it was faint. Like someone was calling to me. I saw what looked like a hand in front of me. I made some sort of noise, trying to respond. I felt like I should be panicking, but I had too little energy.

Next thing I knew, I was off the ground. Was someone carrying me? Everything was blurry. I could barely keep my eyes open.

Then it was soft.

Incredibly soft. I recognized the feeling of a bed.

I melted into the dark surrounding me. Eventually my hearing cleared. And I was able to open my eyes again.

“3? 3 are you awake?” I heard.

“Mmmmmm…”

“Hey, hey! Dont fall asleep again! Look at me,” it sounded like Relena.

I opened my eyes and weakly pushed myself up. This whole situation was so vague in my memory… I feel like I have something to do…

“Hey, 3, look at me. How many fingers am I holding up?”

I concentrated as best I could. “Mmmm…. Four?” I guessed.

She sighed and put her hand down, “No OV… Just rest, I��ll take care of today. You’re too out of it to do anything right now.”

That jogged my mind a bit. There’s… a lot of us… in the building… I’m meant to be taking care of us… I’m meant to be taking care of us!

I instantly started to get out of bed and was just as instantly pushed back into in. “No 3! You stay here!”

“I’m meant to… be taking care of… the others right now!” I slurred.

“No! I’m taking care of the others today! You’re sick!”

My vision started getting blurry again and I could feel a tightening in my throat. “But I-"

“But nothing! Rest!”

I felt something warm go down my cheek. “I’m supposed to- I’m our safety net! If I’m not there and something really bad happens-”

“We’ll take care of it! There’s more people than just you here, 3. If things really go wrong, we’ll figure it out.”

I was starting to have some trouble breathing. Crying. That’s what’s happening. I’m sobbing.

“But- the, the others-”

“Vee, I can take over for a day. It’s one day. You’re usually our safety net. Let us be yours.”

She lifted my mask and wiped away my tears. “We’ll be fine. Just take a break. You’ve already done way too much for your age. Just one day, okay?”

I nodded as best I could. I ended up crying myself back to sleep. Even after waking up again, this time alone in my room, I couldn’t shake the feeling I’d somehow failed everyone.

It should’ve been fine. I should’ve been able to handle it. It’s my job to take care of the others. Today shouldn’t have been any different.

“Hey, 3, you awake in here?” someone called from the doorway after a while, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Hm? Oh, yeah, what is it Agno?”

“Dinnertime. C’mon, join us. We missed you today.”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a bit, just gimmie a moment.”

You shouldn’t have missed me today. Because I should’ve been there. I should’ve been there.

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sleepkey · 3 months

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having my mom need so much support and disability is so stressful to be around and has made existing harder than it usually is

told my dad i struggle on a good day

i keep having mental breaks

my only breaks are when i dissociate while playing games or listen to asmr falling asleep but even then i get smacked with reality constantly

its hard enough taking care of myself i am not built for this and the guilt is only making it harder

my mom has done so much for me and i cant do anything for her

i feel useless on top of it like i havent been eating but asking my dad to get me food isnt an option because he is constantly helping my mom... hes in his 70s and most of the work goes to him i dont want him to wear himself ragged because ill actually lose it if anything happens to him

i keep fantasizing about going down to the river to stare into the water and my paranoia says thats dangerous like im gonna do something dumb but realistically i just need out of the house

problem is as with doing literally anything i frankly dont have the energy

i can barely eat sleep or do anything more than the ABSOLUTE bare minimum

my will to live is being sucked out of me more and more by the day

i need out of here but anywhere else is too expensive and im poor

grateful i work from home so like i can mask it all to earn enough money to survive cuz if i still worked in store id be missing work

im just so lost and everything is a haze i can barely function

where can i turn is there a light at the end of the tunnel? is the rest of my life doomed to look like this until she passes away? i dont want to wish for her death but i see no other salvation...

wish someone would come save me but help is so far away (literally most of my friends are long distance and anybody nearby cant do anything of impact)

my dad is the only one i can find hope in but he has so much on his plate and at his age putting more on him makes me feel terrible

maybe im going around in circles but thats about how my brain has been lately. best i can do is survive and do what im told in ways that make the most minimal issues possible

id rather starve myself than be another burden

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creativebrainrot · 5 months

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open journal entry

WOOH i am. a little tired and brain foggy.

I don't have much left to pack myself, and my dad has decided he doesn't want to take much at all. It'll be easy to fit all of it in the car. We're a few appointments and some sorting of my own things away from the roadtrip.

I'm still a little nervous but honestly not afraid. I'm not ready to jump straight into being an adult finally but I'm so ready, to NOT be ready. Like I know this is gonna sap my energy and be super difficult but it will be the kind of difficult I have wanted to deal with for YEARS, INSTEAD of the shit i had to drag myself through for years.

I've wanted to be an Actual Adult(TM) since i was TWELVE but I never got the chance. We were suffocated under the genuine, actual, horrors of abuse at every turn. Then, I'm legitamitely uncomfortable with being in the system in my home state. I don't have whatever it would take to put up with possible discrimination and roadblock after roadblock in my path to transition. I couldn't do that.

Any amount of conflict between me and [Life Thing] or [Person I Dont Know] just fucks with me. It's more complicated than that obviously, but to be concise, I barely have the energy in this house to brush my teeth each day and get up on time. And I want to get up on time and care for myself and this house but I just, can't.

It's too much. And you know it doesnt help that we haven't owned a vacuum cleaner or a mop for three years at this point which is much much worse a reality than you might think. and the washer dryer died recently + wasn't working well for the past few years. so that's fun.

I'm, not anxious right now but I've been anxious and nervy about this move before. It'll come back, I know it but god I'm ready for the "goop year," I am so so ready for the problems we'll face because finally, it won't be in vain. Finally, we won't be suffering for the promise of upgrades we can't afford due to the debt. I want an apartment for myself and my dad to live in together, I don't think I can jump straight into living on my own but if that's what I have to do I think I could manage it.

Either way we plan to be in the same complex at bare minimum.

I'm excited and afraid and optimistic and altogether right now, tired. Like usual- I know I mention how tired I am a lot but honestly it's never physical it's always mental. I am always mentally tired in this house. When we had a schedule with delivery driving and I was on my supplements, we were making money and I felt good, I wasn't like this.

I wasn't tired 24/7 and I can't wait to have more spoons than ever before. This house is a miserable ruin of debt and sorrow and two decades of pain I cannot put into words, I might never be able to explain my own feelings in this house. I'm not sure I even know how deep it goes, not right now while I live here still and have to shield myself from the pain, but god it's awful.

All I have ever wanted was to be content. To have enough. To be able to get a treat for myself or a gift for someone I loved now and again. A liveable income. I don't expect to have that immediately in the new state & housing. But I DO expect that it will be a hell of a lot easier to figure how to have that in the new place.

#rotthoughts #creativelyrottedmind #open journal

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