#the red flowers are mine on a bush I’ve had for a couple of years

[billdecker]

I went out this morning for the first time in two months because my gang of foxgloves are thriving!

#when anyone sees me outside they compliment me on the foxgloves #I’ve been growing them for 3 years thanks to my dad #this year they’re easily twice the size of the previous years #the yellow and purple wildflowers are my neighbours #I hate her it’s her whose cat we rescued after she abandoned it #the red flowers are mine on a bush I’ve had for a couple of years #and it’s finally flowered! #my rose (not pictured) also has loads of buds #foxgloves helping me to fight agoraphobia! #it was 6:30am so no one was about

[dansnaturepictures]

27/12/2022-Bolderwood in the New Forest and home

I finally managed photos of the Dunnock in the bush in the front garden that has been visiting a lot early today at home a little goal of mine, as I was just able to view it and get my camera through the vegetation to get some record shot standard photos including the first in this photoset stood on the balcony as I enjoyed watching this charismatic bird in the bush which is a treat to have in the garden. I also liked seeing Magpie from home today hearing them too and seeing Starlings and House Sparrow in the back garden. I liked taking macro photos of luminous coloured reddy and orange flowers in a flower pot in the balcony an oasis of colour in the bare landscape now I took the second picture in this photoset of the reddy ones, some chryanthemums gone over on the balcony and there were delicate, creamy and interesting sky scenes I liked from home today. I enjoyed a curled up spider battling the wind the other side of the window out the front this evening and some sweetly lit raindrops by night lights outside on the window and balcony. .

We had a nice walk at Bolderwood this afternoon in drier bits of the day and rain, where it was nice to take in views of imposing pine trees and others, clearings, heath, pool and stream. I took the third-seventh pictures in this photoset of views here today. It was enjoyable to see a couple of bits of floppy yellow stagshorn on trees one of my mushrooms of the year I took the tenth and final picture in this photoset of some and other mushrooms including some possible shelf fungi on a tree as the eighth picture in this photoset shows. Gorse in flower, some autumnal colour on one tree and lichen were nice to see too.

Another standout bird sighting today on the walk was another fine Great Spotted Woodpecker to see of late, this one of my favourite birds of eccentric colour called its high pitched alarm call as it flew into the top of a tall tree. I got the ninth picture in this photoset of it. It’s the second Tuesday in a row I’ve photographed a Great Spotted Woodpecker after Lakeside last week as the little run of seeing them began, and I’d only photographed one quite unusually perhaps once this year prior to that so it’s been good to get these photos even if today’s were at a distance as it just began to rain so are record shots also. I also saw some finches flying high on the walk, possibly Siskins, Blackbird and another thrush we couldn’t quite tell which. We marveled at a group of Fallow Deers trotting through a clearing on the walk, a precious wild sight.

It was nice to see New Forest ponies well on the way, with catkins, gorse, mistletoe, brown leaves, snowberry I believe, red deadnettle and spurge on a verge and Mute Swan and Cormorant flying over other highlights on journeys today.

#photography #nature #uk #world #happy #bolderwood #new forest #walk #walking #fallow deer #fallow deers #blackbird #magpie #great spotted woodpecker #dunnock #wren #12 days wild #gorse #flowers #fungi #yellow stagshorn #photos #birding #birds #birdwatching #december #bank holiday #bank holiday tuesday #colours #colourful

[bill-y]

INURE

Peeta mellark x male reader

We all know who Katniss Everdeen is, but what if Primrose hadn't been chosen but another boy from another unfortunate family? YOUR family.

Info: This is basically a reader insert and I've changed a few rules, not ground breaking though. The reader is a bit bland for now but I plan for his actions to be different. Because he has different moral grounds from Katniss and such. Would appreciate feedback! FEEL FREE TO POINT OUT TYPOS. GRAMMARLY SOMETIMES DOESN'T DO MY DYSLEXIC ASS JUSTICE

Part one: You're here right now. :)

Part two: Over there, pepperoni. :)

Wattpad account: L0calxDumbass

—--—---—---—----—----—----—---

I sighed, smiling as I watched my brother gather flowers. It was the early morning, I had to go out hunting soon, but then again, it wouldn't hurt to keep him company for a while.

"Nal," I called, it was a nickname short for his name, Kunal. An odd name, to say the least. Mother told me it meant Lotus, her favourite flower. 

His strawberry blonde hair swayed towards me, a smile forming on his face. He held a couple of lily's in his hands, his blue eyes glittering. "Y/n!" he said back, waving towards me.

I slowly walked towards him, squatting down next to him. He gave me a lily from his makeshift bouquet, humming. "Look at what I got!" he exclaimed.

I chuckled, roughly putting my hand on his head, messing with his hair. He groaned and in retaliation, he pulled on one of my small braids. It was something my father used to do to my hair when we went off to the woods. I used to hate it, but now I wear it every day, quite funny, really.

"Ow—hey, I just fixed that you little—" I let out, pulling my hand off his head as he let out an unprovoked yell. "AHHH MOM, Y/N'S SWEARING AGAIN!" 

I sighed, managing to pry him off me, our heads turning towards our mother, she had the same hair and features as my brother, maybe that's why she preferred him over me. 

"Kunal, get inside, time for breakfast!" she called, waving him over. Nal said a small "bye-bye", waving at me before running to our mother who welcomed him with open arms. 

She looked at me, I could feel her icy glare. But beyond all of that, her eyes showed a little bit of concern, as if she's afraid. It made sense, district 12 wasn't the kindest of places, illegal hunting is dangerous and she was my mother, after all.

I watched as my brother gave him the lilies, a smile forming on her lips, her eyes wrinkling. My hands tensed a little, I passed it off to the chilly breeze, not wanting to think about this in the early morning. "Bye," I muttered, turning away as I went towards the woods.

My hands gripped the rough bark, scaling up a tree with little to no effort. I arrived at a certain spot, reaching into a hole where my hunting equipment was hidden. 

I pulled out a small set of thin, throwing daggers. I looked at it, gripping the leather strapping on the handle. This was the reason, the reason everything went downhill that day. 

Yet I still keep it, to honour my father. This set was one of the only things he left when he was executed in the most painful way possible. I let out a hitched breath at the thought of it, holstering it on my belt. 

I pulled out a hunting bow, something my friend gave me. I wasn't the best at it, I was better at throwing more than anything. It was worth learning though, it was best used when hunting smaller game like rabbits and squirrels.

To my right, was a nest of mocking birds. I whistled a basic 3 tunes to them, which they listened to and replicated. My lips formed into a small smile, waving at the birds before I leapt to another tree.

My father taught me how to traverse the forest through trees. I remember falling every time I leapt from tree to tree, my father laughing as he caught my hand. Sometimes I'd just fall to the ground, resisting the urge to cry as I insisted to try again.

He and I have a lot in common, I took more after my father more than I did my mother. Both physically and mentally. While my mother was more grounded, my father would never shut up about freedom and life without the capitol.

It wasn't something ideal for life like this. Any word or action against the capitol and you can get executed right on the spot, something I had to learn the hard way. 

I've always found the ground limiting, the coal dust in the air quite suffocating. Unlike in these heights, where the air was fresh, cool. You saw so much more, moved so much more. It was a taste of freedom, something I've always wanted.

I arrived at a location hidden away from unwanted eyes. Landing on a large rock ledge that was reachable from above if you leapt or swung far enough. Of course, there were times where I didn't stick the landing and ended up in the thicket of berry bushes, ending up with several, stinging, unwanted "friends".

"I'm early for once," I huffed, grinning as I laid down the rock. I put my leg on top of the other, using my hands to support my head. A small, yellow butterfly landed on my nose, making me smile.

"Hey, owl eyes," A voice boomed, making the butterfly fly away. My brows furrowed as I looked in the direction of the voice. "Finally stopped daydreaming of burning the Capitol down?" he teased, grinning.

I shot him a look, "Mhmm," I hummed, "Daydreaming of throwing them off a cliff instead," I said, making him snort. 

"And how do you plan to do that?" He asked, smirking. I threw a small rock at his forehead, scoffing. "Shut it, Gale" I retorted.

He rolled his eyes, a mischievous look on his face "I was going to give you some of this bread I shot, but since you're like that, I guess I'll just have to share this with Catnip," he said, holding up a loaf of bread, an arrow pierced through it.

I laughed looking up at the sky, "Oh come on, don't be like that, Gale," I spread my limbs across the surface of the cool rock. "Don't pick favourites, but— between me and Kat, who's the lucky favourite?"

Gale hummed as if thinking deeply. "Definitely Catnip," he answered making my head turn sharply towards him. I shot him a glare, a look of betrayal. He let out a bark of laughter, just in time for Katniss to arrive.

He held up the bread once more, "Hey catnip, look at what I shot," he said. "He said that two times already," I groaned, raising a finger.

Katniss laughed, the bread handed to her. "Mhh, still warm," she commented, sniffing the crust of the bread after she had pulled out the arrow.  

If I hadn't known any better, I would say that they were siblings. Straight black hair, olive skin and same grey eyes. Most of the families who work in the mines resemble each other this way. That's why my family has always stuck out like a sore thumb, like Katniss' mother and sister. 

My mother and brother with strawberry blonde hair, my brother, in particular, having my father's blue eyes. Father and I had bright copper-red hair, I shared my mother's green eyes.

From what I've heard my father used to be a merchant, selling various herbs, fruits, plants and meat until he's settled down here for my mother, began working in the mines, along with illegal hunting.

The peacekeepers and the mayor let it slide though, They crave fresh meat just like anyone else in the district. Our district was looked down upon, the capitol didn't really pay attention to it. This is why we can get away with these.

My train of thought was interrupted by a berry landing on my face, making me scrunch my face as Katniss finished a joke with a Capitol accent. The two always told me I was easily distracted, a disadvantage when it came to hunting. 

Though I'd say it's an advantage when I'm not busy daydreaming I tend to spot small animals, like that one bird flying west of me, or that small worm crawling next to me.

Gale tapped my hand, which was dangling from the rock. He handed me a piece of bread, some cheese spread on it. I sat up, one of my knees bent, resting my elbows on it as I thanked him. 

"We could do it, you know?" He said quietly, effectively drawing my attention, as well as Katniss'. "What?" she asked. I only remained silent, biting into the bread as my other foot dangled from the rock, swinging around.

"Runaway from the district, live in the woods, you and I, maybe Y/n too if he wants to, we could make it," He said, I nodded, swallowing a healthy portion of the bread. "You know I want to," I interjected. 

Gale sighed, "If only we didn't have so many kids," Of course, they weren't our actual children, though they might as well be. He has two little brothers and a sister, Katniss has a sister and I have Kunal. There's also our parents, another mouth to feed.

My mom doesn't really have a source of income, so I'm left working the majority of the month, only taking a break at least for a day. Though the three of us split our games, It's never really enough. We still have times where we would curl up on our cots on an empty stomach. It happened far more often than any of us would like.

With my father gone, I was left to provide for my own family. These forests are practically my home, the only thing missing was Kunal and my mom's icy stares.

"I don't want any children," Katniss responded plainly. "I might if I didn't live here," said Gale. 

"But you do," She responded irritably, I glanced between them, chewing on my bread slowly. "Forget it," Gale snapped, sighing,

It would be a lie if I haven't thought of this. They call me a daydreamer because of this, I'd much rather dream of being one with the mocking jays, flying freely without worrying about the Capitol's prying eyes than face the fact that that would never happen.

A trait passed down to me by my father, as I said. We hate the fact that we are treated like caged birds, though used to it, we'll never be comfortable. Unlike my mother.

Sometimes I wonder what drew them to each other.

"What do you want to do?" Katniss asked, making me perk up. "How about we fish at the lake?" I suggested. They both nodded as a grim thought settled in my head.

Kunal turned 12 this year, his name is on the ballot for today, Reaping day. Though only once, there's a slim chance that he might get chosen. He could barely stand against an angry, small mutt, running to my legs whenever he gets scared.

If he gets chosen, I wouldn't know what to do. Surely my mother would resent me even more, why was I her only child left then? No, it wouldn't get to that, surely not.

I clenched my fists as we travelled to the lake, feeling the anger bubble inside me. I remembered one of the many reasons I despised these ridiculous, power-hungry people. 

"I'll destroy them one day, don't worry, pa" I whispered, though I'm sure Gale and Katniss heard me. They just knew.

—--—--—

Words: 1.8k

#peetamellark #peeta mellark #peetamellarkxmalereader #peeta mellark x male reader #peeta mellark x reader #hunger games #hunger games x reader #hunger games x male reader #gale #katniss #x male reader #male reader series #male reader #reader insert #male reader insert

[dragons-bones]

FFXIV: A Riot of Blooms

#FebHyurary Day 3: Flower

A/N: Hey now, the prompt list includes writing, and I’ve had a pretty powerful idea for this prompt for a couple days now! This story also contains references to “Resolution” from FFXIV Write 2018.

RATING: G WORD COUNT: 1356 WARNINGS: Mild hints towards PTSD; baby carbuncles being disgustingly adorable.

---

Mommy?

“Yes, Amandina?”

Why do you love flowers so much? The tiny black carbunclet reached up, whole body stretched out, to gently paw at the enormous yellow dahlia woven into Synnove’s crown braid, practically glowing against the rich brown and dyed blues of her hair.

“I wouldn’t say I love them…” Synnove said absently, gently pushing morning glory seeds an ilm and a half down into the soil of the new trellis base.

Amandina plopped back down and blinked huge, dark eyes, then glanced around the yard.

The vegetable patch and kitchen herb garden were rigidly laid out in razor sharp rows smarter than any Maelstrom formation, the type of perfection possible only with a geometric genius of an arcanist as the gardener. The mint and strawberries were properly cowed for the moment in their respective boxes, and the asparagus and spinach were already peeking above the soil. It was green with growth and brown from freshly-tilled earth…

…and it was a shock of order among the riot of chaotic color that was the rest of Synnove’s personal domain.

Spring had come early to La Noscea and the yard was already blooming. Purple-red pansies and pink azaleas huddled beneath the shade of the huge old oak that ruled most of the yard; yellow daffodils and fringe-petaled tulips in white and pink and orange shoved at one another in the open spots of sunshine; bluebells and crocuses shyly peeked out from whatever stray corner they had found when they had gone to seed last year, while the rose bushes were dotted with buds and the morning glories in the older trellises against the sides of the house were twining new vines up the lattices, ready to explode into bloom at a moment’s notice. Save for the paths from the gate to the front and kitchen doors, the deck, the birdbath, and a large picnicking spot beneath the oak, every square ilm of land was covered in plant life that if not in flower now, would be come summer or autumn, so that the yard was full of color from the last frost of winter to the first.

Amandina looked back up at Synnove and yipped. Sure, Mommy.

Synnove glanced down at the black pearl carbuncle and then flicked her gaze out over the yard before she grinned ruefully. “Obsession is likely the better choice of word,” she said dryly. But she leaned back on her heels and settled to sit on the ground cross-legged.

The carbunclet peeped excitedly and hooked her paws over her mama’s thigh to haul herself onto her leg and then tumble into her lap: that pose meant a story!

Roksana poked her head down from the platform built among the oak tree’s branches to see what had caught her twin’s attention, ears pricked upright, and peeped herself, scrambling down the ladder in a blur of blue-white fur. The white pearl carbunclet dashed through the flowers, white tails waving in delight, and burst into the open spot next to the trellises to crawl into Synnove’s lap next to Amandina. The pair craned their necks to peer at their mama, and they cheeped in unison, Story story story!

Synnove laughed at them and bundled them up in her arms, raising them to kiss the patches of red fur between their ears; Amandina first, then Roksana. The pearl carbunclets purred, high and squeaky, and nuzzled against her cheeks before Synnove set them back in her lap.

The Highlander took a deep breath and let it out in a slow sigh, petting her youngest girls as she stared off into the distance. “I don’t remember very much about our home in Ala Mhigo,” she said at last, voice soft, “but I remember the flowers.

“My grandmother loved flowers, and she was the only one allowed to tend to her garden; Auntie says that the groundskeeper’s job was primarily to keep the toolshed tidy and well-stocked with mulches and fertilizers, and do whatever Grandmother couldn’t because of age at her direction. I could see her most mornings from my window, with her big straw hat, puttering around the beds with a watering can in hand. There were so many colors in that garden: blues and reds and pinks and oranges and all the rest of the rainbow. And the smell… The smell was indescribable, especially in the morning during the first bloom. The morning glories covered the entire front wall of the manor, and every room—mine included—smelled of morning glories from sunup until almost noon before the scent finally dissipated.”

Synnove’s voice wavered on the last word and she swallowed heavily, reaching up to swipe at her eyes. “There was a bench beneath the old oak—”

An oak tree like ours? Roksana interrupted excitedly.

Her mama laughed, the sound just a little watery. “Bigger! It was as old as the manor, and the manor was old, very old. It cast all the front rooms of the manor in shade, I remember that, too, and it was perfect for climbing; the only ones who used the bench anymore where Grandmother and Grandfather. Even Uncle Tyr would climb with us, though he couldn’t go as high as me or Eydis. I bought this piece of land because of that oak: it’s wonderful for climbing now, but give it another decade and it will be almost as perfect as the manor oak was.”

She stared off into the distance again, lips pressed together into a thin line. Amandina and Roksana exchanged looks, nodded, and burrowed into their mama’s stomach, purring so furiously they vibrated with the sound.

As planned, their actions startled a laugh out of Synnove and she bent over cackling as she reached for them and tried to pull them away. “Girls! Girls, stop it, that’s mean! You know how much that tickles!”

The twins purred harder in response, and Synnove ended up toppling backwards, shrieking with laughter. The girls crawled up her torso to tuck themselves between the curves of her necks and shoulders, slowing their purrs to something softer and soothing, and Synnove eventually calmed, reaching up to wipe tears of laughter off her face and then rest her hands on the pearl carbunclets.

But her melancholy had vanished before it could transform into something darker, and that was what counted.

Eventually, she continued: “Other than the kitchen garden, most of the yard for the longest time was just clover; I had a flowerbed and the rose bushes, and one morning glory trellis, but that was it. And then Ala Mhigo was liberated, and I went back to what had once been our home, and.” She paused, swallowing again, and Amandina headbutted her cheek. Synnove smoothed her hand down the carbunclet’s purple-black ears and back and sighed gustily.

In a stronger voice, she said, “And I saw what had been done to Grandmother’s garden. It wasn’t until I got back here that I just…I just became so furious. It had been my grandmother’s, it had been mine, and it had been beautiful, and I was so angry it was gone. So, I went to the Botanists’ Guild and asked for a list of flowers they thought would grow well in La Noscea, and I went mad for a fortnight just planting. I couldn’t remember how Grandmother had laid out her garden, even if I had had the same flowers as her, but I knew enough that I should try to space things so when the spring blooms faded, the summer and autumn ones could fill the void.

“So that’s why I love flowers so much, my Amandina. They’re a bit of my childhood, and a bit of my grandmother, and a bit of reclaiming them both for the better.”

Amandina reached up and put her paw on Synnove’s nose, chirruping. That’s a sad story, Mommy. Her aetheric harmonic was matter of fact: observing, rather than accusatory or upset.

“Sometimes stories are sad, sparkler,” Synnove said, continuing to pet her, and petting her sister with the same motion now. Both baby carbuncles snuggled closer. “But it doesn’t mean they can’t have a little bit of hope in them, too.”

#febhyurary #final fantasy xiv #ffxiv #oc: synnove greywolfe #synnove's carbuncles #dt's writing #i really enjoyed how this turned out #melancholy but hopeful

[entity9silvergen]

Thought That Cupid Shot Me With Love But It Was Only An Aro (Naruto Fanfiction)

Summary: Soulmates were supposed to be the other half of your soul. Your one true love. Ino always dreamed of finding her soulmate. Sai never wanted one. Still, they cared for each other so they were going to make it work. Somehow.

Relationships: Sai & Ino, Sai/ Ino, Sai & Team Kakashi, Sai & Team Asuma, Sai & Shin, Referenced Naruto/ Hinata, Referenced Sasuke/ Sakura, Referenced Kakashi/ Guy, Referenced Shikamaru/ Temari, Referenced Choji/ Karui

Characters: Sai, Ino Yamanaka, Shikamaru Nara, Choji Akimichi, Shin, Kakashi

Warnings: Minor aphobia

Other: AroWriMo 2021, Soulmate AU, Aroace Sai, Aro/ Allo Relationship, Oneshot, Aromantic Writer, Queer Themes, QPRs

Word Count: 10K

Author’s Note: This story was written for Aromantic Writing Month 2021! I’ve been wanting to write an aromantic Soulmate AU for awhile and decided to finally write it when I realized Aro Writing Month was approaching. Prompt for week 1 was Romo/ Loveless & Future which kind of aligns with this fic. 

The title comes from the song Not In Love by Natalia Kills.

This is my first time writing a soulmate AU and also my first time writing an aromantic character. I’d just like to say I don’t really like the idea of aromantic/ alloromantic soulmates because it implies they both have to compromise in some way but I’ve always wanted to see how that kind of relationship would be navigated so here we are. 

Some characters are mildly aphobic but there’s nothing hateful or extreme. It’s mostly just people not understanding.

Also this fic skips around through time a bit and begins before Sai gets his name in canon but I am just going to call him Sai because it’s kind of awkward to avoid using it. A few minor deviations from canon are taken just for convenience. 

___________

As long as Ino could remember, she’d had a massive, stark white tiger with jet black stripes wrapped around her arm.

She didn’t really question it’s presence. Everyone had marks on their bodies as far as she knew. Once she was old enough to really recognize what it was, however, she did find it a bit odd. Compared to the bright red bush clover on her mother’s upper arm and the aquamarine instrument on her father’s leg, a black and white tiger seemed strange. She tried asking about it but no one seemed to understand her confusion. They just saw it was any other soulmark with nothing out of the ordinary.

It wasn’t until she was a couple years into her training at the Academy that she really understood what the tiger on her skin meant.

She’d been sitting on the grassy hill where her Kunoichi classes were held with her friend Sakura. It was early spring and tiny flowers were beginning to sprout out of the ground. Idly, Ino plucked them out of the earth and slowly began tying their stems into a chain. What for, she did not know. She just needed something to occupy herself until the teacher arrived. She was running a bit late and once she arrived, Ino understood why.

“Hello class!” the teacher called once she reached the top of the hill, dropping a bag of books at her feet. They hit the grass with a loud thump. The bag was a lot heavier than it looked, no wonder it had slowed her down. “Sorry for the delay!”

“What are those books for?” Sakura called out, voicing the rest of the girl’s thoughts.

“Oh these?” the teacher said, picking up one of the books. “We’re going to use these books to help with the lesson. Today we’re going to talk about soulmarks.”

Soulmark. The word struck a chord in Ino’s mind. It sounded familiar yet she didn’t have the slightest idea what it meant. She sensed it was important though. Intrigued, she rested her arms on her knees and leaned forward a bit. She didn’t say anything, positive Sakura and all her newly discovered chattiness would do it for her. “What’s a soulmark?”

The teacher’s eyes glowed in a way Ino had never seen before as she sat down and threw herself into her explanation. “You see those designs on your bodies?”

Ino looked down at the tiger on her arm and felt a flash of excitement. Was she finally going to learn the meaning behind it?

“Those are soulmarks. You see, the universe is very wise and knows who we are destined to fall in love with,” the teacher told them, smiling at the wondrous expressions appearing on the girls’ faces. Ino tried to wipe the look off her own features but she couldn’t help it. This was nothing like flower arranging at all. That was fun but this was important. “That’s why we’re born with these marks. They give us hints about what our soulmates are like and tell us how to find them.”

A few girls squealed and made soft noises expressing their delight but Ino remained quiet, eyes wide as she ran her fingertips over the tiger’s curved stripes. She’d done so countless times before but now it felt different. Almost humbling. This mark told her who she was meant to fall in love with? That was amazing. Almost unbelievable. 

“I read a story book about soulmates once,” declared a girl Ino couldn’t remember the name of. “It said soulmates are each other’s one true love and we’re all meant to find each other some day. Some people have to travel really far to find their soulmate!”

“That’s true,” the teacher said with a nod, “but usually our soulmates aren’t too far away. I knew my soulmate since we were kids but we didn’t realize until we were much older. Sometimes we need time to develop as people before our soulmarks make sense. We need time to grow into them.”

“I heard that Hyuga girl has a ramen bowl on her somewhere,” another girl spoke up. She made an over exaggerated face of disgust. “The only person who eats ramen enough for the universe is that dumb Uzumaki kid. I’d bet anything they’re soulmates.”

“Now, Yaka,” the teacher chided, “it’s not nice to make assumptions about other people’s soulmates, let alone talk about their soulmarks behind their backs. Soulmarks are a private thing.”

Ino noticed the teacher didn’t scold Yaka for the way she was talking about Naruto and Hinata. She didn’t know what that was about but she didn’t really like it. She didn’t have the faintest idea who her soulmate was but she hoped no one made fun of him for her soulmark, whatever it was. As troubling as her mark was, she loved it and knew she would one day love her soulmate as much as the tiger on her arm. And he was supposed to love her just as much, right? They were destined to be together after all. Each other’s true love.

“I hope mine is Sasuke,” Sakura sighed dreamily, clutching her hands together.

Ino snapped out of her romantic daydreams and blew air out through her mouth, making her blond bangs move out of her face, as she rolled her eyes. “We’re too young to really know, Sakura. Don’t get your hopes up.”

“Color is the best indicator to go off of,” the teacher told them, eyes drifting to the mark on Sakura’s hand. “Red isn’t an uncommon color in the soulmarks of the Uchiha.”

Ino’s mouth twisted in annoyance. Their teacher was indulging her? Really? At least Sakura seemed happy about it. And Ino would be lying if she said she didn’t think Sakura’s mark may one day fit their classmate. The scarlet feather of a hawk covered the back of her hand, the middle bleeding into a pale purple that stretched the shaft into a long snake trailing up her arm. It was a pretty cool soulmark, Ino had to admit. Two animals in one mark? And so colorful. Maybe that meant Sakura’s soulmate had a lot of character to him. Or that he really liked animals. Did Sasuke like animals? But like the others, it made her uneasy about her own.

“What if your soulmark doesn’t have any colors?” Ino asked, raising her hand. When the teacher’s eyes flickered to her arm, Ino put her arm down and covered her mark with her hand. She tried her best not to look down in shame to no avail then immediately hated herself for it. Then she decided she hated her teacher for the look she was giving her. How dare she make Ino feel ashamed of her soulmark and, by extension, her soulmate? 

The teacher’s judgemental look vanished in a heartbeat, replaced by a cheery facade, and she handed Ino the book she was holding. “That’s a good question! Everyone, take a book and try to find any characteristics that might match your soulmark. You might be able to learn something about your soulmate!”

Ino wasn’t oblivious to the fact her question was ignored but Sakura was tugging at the book in her hands, excited to see what it’s contents could tell her. Ino shook her negativity away and laughed, scolding her friend into settling down and sharing the book.

They spent the whole afternoon flipping through the pages, gazing at the beautiful soulmarks within, and Ino found nothing about colorless soulmarks. Like many things regarding her soulmate, she didn’t know what to think of that.

___________

Sai thought he was markless until he was eight.

He knew what soulmarks were, of course. They were impossible to miss, especially since he lived in such close quarters with everyone he trained with. He’d just never seen one on his own body so he just figured he didn’t have one. And he was pretty okay with that. 

This batch of ROOT recruits were being trained in a Hidden Mist style so they spent a fair amount of time on the water. The instructor had begun teaching the Water Natured recruits how to use Water Style: Liquid Bullets recently so today that part of the group was polishing their jutsu while the rest of the recruits practiced dodging on a moving surface of water. It was a good exercise for everyone.

The only problem was all the Water Style users kept nailing Sai with their jutsu.

Normally Sai wouldn’t mind. He was a fast ninja and he was pretty good at dodging. The only problem was that there were so many and a few were bound to hit now and again. It was just that it was more than a few. And he seemed to be the only one getting hit. It was enough that the instructor asked him to get off the water and practice his Earth Style on his own until they were done.

“Maybe we can ask the instructor if you can wear a shirt next time,” Shin said casually once the session was over and the group was heading back to base. “I mean, it’ll get all wet if you fall in but it’s better than getting hit with Liquid Bullets the whole time.”

“What?” Sai peered at his brother, confused. “Why would wearing a shirt change anything?”

“Um, because of your soulmark?”

“I have a soulmark?”

Shin’s hands dropped from their place folded behind his head as he came to a stop to gape at his brother. “You didn’t know you have a soulmark?”

“No. Should I have?”

“Yes!” Shin exclaimed, throwing his hands up. “Soulmarks are important! They tell you who you’re going to fall in love with and- wait. If you didn’t know you had a soulmark, why did you think everyone kept shooting you with their jutsu?”

“I thought maybe it was some kind of strategy to pick off a weak link.”

“You’re not a weak link!” Shin exclaimed, louder this time. Sai didn’t really understand what he was getting upset over but he hoped he’d get over it soon. The instructors didn’t really like it when the students got worked up like this. “Your soulmark just makes a giant target on your back. It’s easy to aim for so everyone goes for it.”

“Oh.” That made sense, he supposed. “What is it? My soulmark, I mean.”

“It’s a flower. I don’t know what kind.”

“What does it mean to have a flower soulmark?”

Shin shrugged. “I have no idea. I think I heard flowers are kind of rare since all girls like flowers. Hey, maybe that means your soulmate is a boy. The universe might think boys liking flowers is weird enough to make it soulmark-worthy.”

“I don’t think it’s weird for boys to like flowers.”

“So you think your soulmate is a boy?”

“I don’t know. I don’t really care.”

“Come on,” Shin whined. “You’ve got to care a little bit!”

“Not really. I’ve never wanted a soulmate.”

“Really?” Shin sounded surprised, far more surprised than Sai thought he would. “Well, maybe that’s just because you didn’t think you had one. Maybe now it’ll change.”

Sai didn’t think so but he didn’t tell Shin. He didn’t think he’d understand.

________

Ino was nine when she felt a blinding pain shooting up from her soulmark.

It wasn’t sudden. In fact, it was very slow. A gentle static that turned into overwhelming agony. Ino had felt emotions through the soulbond before, however rare, but never to this degree. The initial surprise was faint, easily mistakable for her own feelings, but the adrenaline and fear that followed most certainly were not.

Iruka seemed to notice something was wrong because by the time the first wave of crippling despair hit, he’d already yelled for a student to take charge of the class and had ushered her out into the hallway. She was dimly aware of what was happening around her through it all. If she’d been more clear headed, she would’ve worried more about keeping it together in the presence of her classmates but right now she could only think about the hurt, fear, and grief rippling through her. 

Her soulmark burned, sending bolts of emotion up her body, welling her throat shut and tightening her chest with raw, unfiltered emotion. It was like water boiling up in a kettle that exploded into a scalding ocean instead of steam. Like someone had injected lightning into her body and let it fry her heart. Like being surrounded by a heavy cloud of darkness that sucked any light out of her. 

Never before had she felt such a thing and she didn’t know how to handle it. She didn’t understand where it was coming from or why this was happening to her. But then it just… stopped. Like nothing had happened.

She regained control of her breath as the sharp grip around her receded. She felt the sobs die in her throat and clean oxygen fill her lungs once again. She hadn’t even noticed she’d been crying until now. Tears stained her face and Iruka’s shoulder but there were fewer than before. It was now that she realized she had collapsed on the ground in the hallway, body pressed against the rough wood floor. The realization didn’t make her want to get up any more though. She could lie here for the rest of her life for all she cared. She kind of wanted to. Lying here in this sleepy, numb fog that clouded her mind sounded like a good idea.

“Are you alright?” Iruka asked, her sensei’s worried tone drawing her back to reality.

“What happened?” Ino groaned, sitting up to meet his gaze. The concern was evident on his face but he looked relieved to see that she was okay. She felt a prickle of guilt knowing she was responsible for his worry. What was that anyway? It just came out of nowhere then left just as fast. Absently, her hand drifted to her soulmark. Any echo of its earlier noise was long gone. It was as silent as the dead of night. “I feel…”

“I think something happened to your soulmate,” Iruka told her softly, helping her sit up against the wall. He shifted a bit so he sat across from her. For that, Ino was grateful. She didn’t think she could handle getting up right now.

“My soulmate?”

“You’ve felt things through your soulbond before, right?” Iruka asked. Ino nodded as she wiped her face free of any stray tears. “Well, sometimes when our soulmates are in a lot of pain or distress, we can feel it through the soulbond.”

“How come?” Ino asked, genuinely curious. The pain she felt was probably nothing compared to what he was feeling so she could stomach a bit of it for her soulmate’s sake but she didn’t understand why the universe would place that upon her or anyone else. That just seemed cruel.

“Well…” Iruka trailed off for a moment, hesitating, before the words came to him. “Soulmates are a big part of our lives. They’re the other half of our soul. Our bond doesn’t begin when we meet. We usually love our partners a long time before we meet them.”

Ino nodded, following along so far. Sure, she didn’t know a thing about her soulmate, save what her soulmark told her, but he had a special place in her heart that only grew with each spark she felt through the bond. He was one of the most important things to her in the whole world. It felt kind of strange to call it love but any other word felt short of capturing what she felt. He was essentially a stranger yet, at the same time, he was the furthest thing from it.

“Soulmates support each other throughout their whole lives,” Iruka explained. “When our soulmates feel pain, we can comfort them through our soulbonds.”

“How?” Ino asked, leaning forward a bit. She desperately wanted to. The hopelessness and agony that had rooted itself in her chest had faded but if her soulmate was still feeling anything close to it…

“Just think about how much you love them,” Iruka told her with a lopsided smile, “and how much you want to be there for him. Try to focus those feelings through your soulbond.”

Ino nodded and tried her hardest to do as her sensei instructed her. But how could she express feelings for someone she’d never met? She could imagine her soulmate and the future they’d have together but that wasn’t real. It was all in her head and all she had to go off of inspiration-wise were stories and dreams. She was still young enough to indulge in the occasional fantasy or day dream but she was also a ninja. Ninja were realists and realistically, she knew nothing about what he was like and she didn’t have a real reason to love him the way she did.

But that didn’t mean the love she had wasn’t real. It was ingrained deep into her being, as deep as the bond tying her to her partner. It was a love that made warmth hum in her chest and the corners of her mouth twitch into a smile at the mere thought of it. Love so powerful she couldn’t put it into words. She just didn’t have the vocabulary and she didn’t think the right words even existed.

It didn’t make sense but it was real. The universe, spirits, god, sages, whatever was up there- It had made a decision and it was a good one. There was no reason to believe it but Ino knew it like a universal truth. He was destined for her and she was more than happy to be destined for him. Ino loved her other half however little sense it made. She’d always wanted him to know that and maybe now she could tell him through the soulbond if she tried hard enough.

She didn’t know what he was feeling. She didn’t know what he could possibly be experiencing that would make him feel this way. She just hoped that maybe she could help, even if it was just a little bit.

“How will I know if he can feel it?” Ino asked after a while. She felt a lot better. Her breath had regulated, the dampness in her eyes had dried, and her body felt a lot less heavy than it had when she sat down.

“There’s not really any way to tell immediately,” Iruka told her, getting to his knees before standing up. He offered Ino a hand to pull her up. She accepted it and began following him back to the classroom. “Your soulmate is probably going through a lot right now and he might not know how to respond or feel ready to. But, I’ve heard that soulmates sometimes send their thanks a few weeks after something big happens and feelings start passing through the bond a bit more easily. I’m sure he’ll be sending you some happiness in no time.”

Iruka’s words were a comfort and Ino momentarily forgot her worries and skipped back to class. But weeks later when Iruka asked her if she and her soulmate were doing better, Ino couldn’t answer. There wasn’t a hint of emotion coming through the bond anymore.

_________

It was over seven years since Shin died before Sai was shirtless around anyone again.

It wasn’t really something he’d thought about. Who thought about that kind of thing? He had plenty of other things to think about. His missions, crossing faces out of his bingo books, his art… Being shirtless was such an insignificant thing in his life that he never spared it a second thought. His training had ended with his brother’s death and there wasn’t really a need for him to change clothes or go swimming with someone. And without Shin or anyone else looking at his back, he’d almost forgotten his soulmark. There were a few flashes of feeling through the bond now and again but Sai was usually too dull to notice and he usually dismissed them without question. The existence of his soulmark didn’t affect his life in the slightest.

Imagine his confusion when Naruto wouldn’t stop staring at him after Captain Yamato dumped the two of them in a hot spring together. 

“Why do you keep looking at me, dickless?” Sai asked, smiling at how Naruto’s face soured at the nickname. He’d done well choosing it. “I was under the impression you were tired of being around me.”

“I am!” Naruto snapped indignantly. He crossed his arms and was silent for a moment. When Sai didn’t say anything, he caved and explained himself. “I… I was looking for your soulmark. Do you have one?”

Sai paused for a moment before nodding. “I do.”

Naruto’s gaze softened a bit and the hostility drained off his face. “It’s on your back, isn’t it? I didn’t see anything before you got in the water.”

“Why do you care?”

“I didn’t really think about it until you came in here and I didn’t see anything on you so I thought you might be markless. It’s… I dunno, it’s harder to stay mad at you knowing you’ve got a soulmate.”

“Why?

Naruto shrugged casually. “Knowing you love someone just makes you feel more human.”

If Sai were an expressive man, he would’ve made a face. One of anger or horror, he didn’t know. Angry Sai would’ve splashed Naruto in the face with a handful of water. Horrified Sai would’ve come up with a bad excuse and hurried out of the hot spring. But Sai wasn’t an expressive man so instead, he shut his mouth and sank into the water, trying not to think about the implication of his new teammate’s words. ___________

Ino met Sai at The Barbeque Place.

The Barbeque Place wasn’t actually called The Barbeque Place. They just called it that enough that it deserved to be called The Barbeque Place with the capitalization of the title and everything. It was actually called Yakiniku Q but no one cared. Team Asuma would convince everyone it was called The Barbeque Place until the owner changed the sign or they’d die trying.

Going to The Barbeque Place was the only way to properly celebrate anything Team Asuma style. Ino, Choji, and Shikamaru had only seen Naruto a couple of times since he returned to the village so when they saw him coming back from a mission, they knew they had to grab him then or they’d never get the chance to drag him to the restaurant and welcome their friend home.

The fact they had a new teammate with them was an added bonus.

Sai seemed nice. Kind of strange though. Ino didn’t know if it was just odd having someone new on Team 7 after so long or if it was just Sai’s general personality. She supposed she liked him but if it was anyone less good looking, Ino would definitely be upset Sasuke was getting replaced.

“So you’re ANBU, right?” Shikamaru asked the newcomer when the uncooked food had arrived and the early stages of conversation were over.

“How could you tell?”

“The uniform was a bit of a giveaway.”

“Noted.”

“ANBU?” Choji echoed, looking intrigued. His brief pause was long enough for Ino to take the opportunity to swipe a couple pieces of meat off the grill and shovel them onto Sai’s plate. Apparently pausing did not mean he was distracted though. “Ino!”

“Be nice! You don’t want to scare him off with your gross manners this early, do you?”

“I guess not…” Choji mumbled sullenly. His demeanor changed again in a heartbeat when a piece of perfectly cooked meat caught his eye. He plucked it up with his chopsticks and plopped it into his mouth, chewing the slices of beef happily, anger forgotten. 

Shikamaru, always the sharp one, picked up where Choji left off before his distraction. “So what’s that like? ANBU, I mean.”

Sai smiled passively. “I don’t think it’s too different from what shinobi teams do, just more isolated and the training is more rigorous.” 

“Really?” Sakura said, half distracted by trying to nab a piece of meat before Choji got his chopsticks on it. “I don’t know a lot about ANBU, even working so close with Lady Tsunade, but I’ve heard some bad rumors over the years.”

“Eh? Really? But Kakashi-sensei always seems happy wherever he talks about it,” Naruto replied. He swiped a piece of meat off Sai’s plate and popped it into his mouth before anyone could say anything. Ino would’ve scolded him but Sai didn’t seem to care. In fact, he seemed amused. It was hard believing someone as soft-spoken and gentle as Sai was a member of ANBU.

“Kakashi-sensei is Kakashi-sensei,” Sakura responded, brushing him off. “He doesn’t tell us anything and you never know if he’s actually happy or if he just hit a juicy part of those pervy books he’s always reading.”

“Eh, good point,” Naruto conceded through a full mouth, “but now we have Sai here to tell us stuff! I bet he’s a lot easier to talk to than Kakashi-sensei.”

Sai’s face remained passive but Choji and even Shikamaru seemed interested. Noticing, Sai sighed and gave in. “What do you want to know?”

“So you said ANBU was really lonely, right?” Shikamaru said, casually taking a piece of meat. Unsurprisingly, Choji let him and didn’t protest. “What about soulmates?”

“What about them?”

“I’ve heard they don’t let people search for their soulmates,” Sakura spoke up as she put a few vegetables on the grill. “They just have to live knowing their soulmate is out there wondering where they are and why they haven’t found them yet.”

“Well I heard they don’t let ANBU have soulmates at all,” Choji said, trying to wave Sakura’s chopsticks away from the grill. “Like they burn them off or make them stay covered all the time and that kind of thing.”

“I can confirm that isn’t true,” Sai said with a smile, sounding humored. “A lot of people have soulmates. Some of the best two-man teams and small units are made of soulmates, actually. We’re just not allowed to search outside of ANBU. My instructors always said it compromises our security.”

“That’s too bad,” Naruto commented and poked Sakura’s hand with his chopsticks. She yelped and pulled her hand away, allowing Choji to successfully steer the vegetables away from the grill and put down another couple pieces of beef. “But now that you’re out of ANBU, you can look for your soulmate, right?”

Sai said nothing and shrugged half-heartedly. 

“You do want to find your soulmate, right?” Ino asked, putting down her chopsticks to look at him instead of swooping in to aid Sakura. Choji really had to eat his greens. Naruto too but it wasn’t every day her friends got a new teammate. Right now he was a bit more interesting than a poking war.

This time, Sai had a clear answer to the question. “Not particularly.” 

“How?!” Ino’s plate clattered on the table slightly. She put a hand on it to stop it from falling but she could feel herself getting even more worked up. She sensed her friends giving her confused looks at her outburst. She tried her best to ignore them. “Your soulmate- Your soulmate is the other half of your soul! Without them, you’re incomplete. How could you not want to find them?”

Again, Sai shrugged.

“I’ve just never been interested in having a romantic relationship. Or any kind of relationship,” Sai said neutrally. He smiled and this time it was kind of infuriating instead of cute. “If it happens, it happens but I don’t particularly want to seek it out.”

“Isn’t it your destiny though?” Ino pressed. “To find your true love?”

“I thought you’d given up on that stuff,” Choji commented idly as he placed some new pieces of meat on the grill, “since you haven’t felt anything through your soulbond in years.”

Something inside Ino snapped. “Well, you’re just as far behind as me, fatso!”

In hindsight, that probably wasn’t the best move but getting the restaurant destroyed by Choji’s Human Boulder was worth it to escape that conversation. _________

It was well after the war had ended by the time the village’s Intelligence Division summoned Sai to lock up the members of the Seven Swordsmen that he’d sealed. 

The village was recovering well but the months after the end of the war had been chaotic. There were far too many things more important to worry about than who’d sealed their enemies and where their bodies were so Fuguki Suikazan and Jinin Akebino’s scrolls just ended up sitting in Sai’s apartment. It was only when someone from the Third Division was retelling the war story that everyone remembered they hadn’t given the sealed bodies to the Intelligence Division. Sai hadn’t really thought it was important but apparently it was important enough for the Hokage to send Ino, Shikamaru, and Choji running to his apartment in the middle of the day to retrieve them.

“I can’t believe you had these things just lying around for a whole year. What a drag…” Shikamaru complained as the shinobi carried the two scrolls through the front doors of the Analysis Division’s building. Between the four of them, it was a bit awkward but they were managing. Sai was surprised he and Lee had been able to carry these things around on the battlefield. Right now, they seemed so heavy. “I wish I’d known Intel involved so much running around before I joined…”

“Aw, you like it,” Choji said cheerfully. It went unsaid that Ino and Shikamaru were working in the Intelligence Division because there was no one else to fill their fathers’ shoes but Sai heard it in his voice. “And all this running around gives us the chance to see our friends more often!”

“You don’t even work here. You can see our friends whenever you want!” Ino groaned as they began heading into the underground storage unit. “Slow down guys, I don’t really want to fall down the stairs in front of all these Jonin. But he’s right, Sai. It’s nice seeing you. It feels like it’s been forever.”

Sai hummed in agreement and tried his best to convey the joy he got from seeing his friends again. After seeing Shin again and mastering the Crouched Tiger Bullet, it came a lot easier to him but years of underusing his facial expressions made it less than natural. “Indeed. Where are we putting these?”

Everyone looked to Shikamaru. The boy didn’t seem fazed. “These guys are dead, right? We should transfer them to body scrolls. Easier for the Analysis Team to… analyze them or whatever whenever they decide to. You know how to use that kind of sealing, right Sai?”

Sai nodded as they reached the bottom of the stairwell. “I do.”

“Great,” Shikamaru grunted as the group reached the bottom of the stairs and dropped the heavy scrolls on the concrete floor. “Ugh, do they really need to be this big?”

“It’s a difficult sealing jutsu. It requires a lot of ink.”

“Yeah, yeah. Come on, let’s start unrolling this thing. Sai, there are some body scrolls over by the storage unit. Go grab whatever one you think will work best.”

Sai nodded and did as he was told, drifting off to the edges of the basement in search of the right tools. He wasn’t terribly experienced in any kind of sealing jutsu other than his own and he took his time finding a compatible scroll but after a couple minutes, he realized Team Asuma’s usual bickering had died down and the three had fallen into an unusual silence. Concerned, he stuck his head out of the storage area to check on them. “Are you alright?”

“Sai… Come here please,” Ino said in an unusual tone. Sai frowned. Her pale green eyes were fixed on something on the ground. Was something wrong with his seal? Had one of the Swordsmen somehow escaped? They were dead so it wouldn’t be the end of the world but it would be kind of a hassle to track down the body.

He stepped into the entry area and saw nothing out of the ordinary. One of the scrolls, Fuguki’s scroll, was unraveled, exposing the seal work and the swordsman's trapped form. Shikamaru, Ino, and Choji were just… staring at it? Sai couldn’t fathom why. Maybe they thought this method of sealing was immoral? It really wasn’t different from any other kind of sealing. Was the sight of the body on the page unsettling them?

“Sai, what is this?” Choji said in an uncharacteristically empty voice. 

Sai took a few steps to join them beside the scroll. He peered at it, trying to see anything that was out of place or didn’t belong. Fuguki was still there, held in by his sealing tiger’s sharp claws. Was his sword in there? No, no it wasn’t. They’d returned the Seven Swords to the Hidden Cloud a while ago. He remembered because that was when Choji had realized he and that girl Karui were soulmates. It’d been a whole thing. “I don’t see anything wrong.”

Ino held up her marked arm and Sai suddenly realized what was happening here.

“...Oh.”

“Oh? Oh?! That’s all you have to say?” Shikamaru practically shouted, taking an angry step toward him. “Ino- she- You saw her soulmark the day you met us. Why didn’t you say anything? Do you know how long she- Are you really that heartless?”

Sai flinched at his words. He didn’t mean to but he couldn’t help it. Regaining some level of emotion also meant losing some of his composure. He hoped the others hadn’t noticed but he wasn’t the hopeful type. “I…”

Choji put a hand on Shikamaru’s shoulder. He looked just as upset as his friend but Choji was too gentle and kind-hearted to take out his anger on anyone. And for that, Sai was eternally grateful. “Shikamaru, maybe we should go. Shouldn’t this kind of thing be between soulmates?”

Shikamaru looked like he wanted to argue but he shook himself and took a deep breath to calm down. Sai knew Shikamaru could get scary when he wanted to and hurting his friend definitely put Sai in danger of becoming a victim of his intellect. Thank the sages for Choji or Sai was fairly certain he’d have a Shadow Stitch aimed at his head right now.

“Just… Just talk to her, man,” Shikamaru sighed tiredly, sounding several times his age, and turned to head back up the stairs, Choji trailing behind him. Sai half expected him to turn around to give him some kind of warning or threat not to mess this up and hurt his teammate but he didn’t. He just kept walking until it was just him and Ino. Alone. In a basement. With a dead rogue-ninja and a tiger staring at them. Not really the best setting for a heart to heart.

The two didn’t say anything for a few minutes, just pale green eyes boring into inky black. What was there to say? What was someone supposed to say when they found their soulmate? What if it should have been obvious they were soulmates from the start and one hadn’t said anything? What was someone who never wanted a soulmate supposed to do when his soulmate so clearly longed for one? Sai had so many questions and the answers to none.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Ino asked, breaking the silence.

“I didn’t know.”

“Don’t give me that.”

It was true, in a sense. He really didn’t know. Sai had recognized the tiger when he saw it for the first time but only in the back of his mind. He was far from a master of emotions and farther from a master of his jutsu. Was the jutsu really even his then? It didn’t feel like it so maybe he didn’t recognize the mark on Ino’s arm as his own. 

Still, it was his art style. He’d recognized it immediately and always would. His art was such a big part of him and he didn’t dream of denying it so that couldn’t have been it. And it couldn’t be his lack of emotions because he wasn’t really lacking them, they were just suppressed. As guilty as it made him feel, it was very possible the truth was just that he didn’t want a soulmate. That he didn’t want to know what the universe had planned for him when it came to love.

“It just never occurred to me.”

Sai wasn’t lying but Ino didn’t seem to believe him. No one ever believed him. Not when it came to soulmates. But he wanted Ino to understand so he tried again.

“Remember when we met? When I said I didn’t want to look for my soulmate?”

Ino snorted and put her hands on her hips. “You didn’t need to look. She was right in front of you.”

Okay, he walked right into that one. “I wasn’t thinking about that. I would’ve said that to anyone.���

“Why?” Ino asked, her voice cracking. Sai noticed for the first time that her eyes were glossy. He felt… something. He couldn’t quite identify what it was yet but he knew it was a bad feeling. He couldn’t bring himself to feel sorry though. “I’ve always wanted to meet my soulmate, even before I really understood what my mark meant. I can’t imagine not wanting to find the one person who’s meant to love you unconditionally.”

That made Sai hesitate. He’d never heard it phrased that way particularly. It was making him doubt himself. Why had she said that? She didn’t know how much Sai struggled when it came to maintaining friendships or how lonely he’d been all those years after Shin died. She had no idea how rocky his relationship with love was or how much he craved it. She couldn’t fathom how much it pained him knowing it was always out of reach. Or maybe she could, with the soulbond and all. He cleared his throat. “I’m glad I met you and if I have to have a soulmate, I’m glad it’s you.”

“If you have to have one? What, do you wish you didn’t have one?”

“Sometimes.” Ino’s face dropped but Sai recovered quickly. “I think soulmates are wonderful but I’ve just felt like they’re for me, I suppose.”

“Are you one of those people who believe we should shape our own destiny?”

“No. Yes. Maybe? I don’t know.”

Ino laughed a bit and it sounded fond rather than angry. It gave Sai a spike of confidence. He smiled bashfully. 

“My apologies. I’m not very… articulate when it comes to how I feel. I’ve really only reconnected with my emotions since the war ended,” Sai admitted. Ino opened her mouth but Sai stopped her before she could say what he knew she was going to say. “And my emotional struggles have nothing to do with how I feel about having a soulmate. I think. I remember talking about it with my brother before…”

Something flashed in Ino’s eyes. “Your brother died when you were ten?”

Sai nodded. “You felt it through the soulbond?”

“And nothing after it,” Ino replied with a nod, “until the war. Probably when you saw him again.”

Sai looked down. “...I cried. I hadn’t cried since he died the first time.”

Ino made a sympathetic noise. Sai wasn’t really sure if it made him feel comforted or patronized. Ino seemed to sense he didn’t want to talk about it and that was probably for the better. “So you’ve talked about it with him? How you feel about soulmates?”

“Having a soulmate,” Sai corrected. How he felt about soulmates versus how he felt about having a soulmate were very different. “And yes. I didn’t know I had a soulmark until he told me. But… He never really understood. He was a romantic. I don’t think he really knew that some people just weren’t like that.”

“Like what?”

Sai’s face furrowed with frustration as he tried to find words. “I… I know love. I love my brother. I love Naruto. And Sakura. And maybe Sasuke. I love Kakashi-senpai and Captain Yamato. I love my art and my books. And I love… you. And I know what I feel is real. I think I’ve always felt it, even when I thought I didn’t have emotions and before I knew you were my soulmate. I like being with you but I don’t love you like Shikamaru loves Temari or like Sakura loves Sasuke. Is that okay?”

Sai hadn’t realized he was looking down until Ino took his hands, startling him into looking up at her. She looked a bit sad but not disappointed or angry. She offered him a gentle smile. “Yeah, it’s definitely okay, Sai. I mean, this isn’t really what I expected meeting my soulmate to be like but I’m glad it’s you. I don’t think I’ll mind missing out on some romantic fantasy if it means I get to be with you. If that’s what you want.”

Slowly, Sai nodded and curled his fingers around hers. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give you a romantic fantasy but I hope I can still make you happy. I want to see where this goes.”

_______________

Two years passed and Ino knew she and Sai weren’t really in a relationship.

They did couples things sometimes. They went out together fairly regularly. They ate at nice restaurants and went on quiet walks through the village. Sai sometimes slept over at her house and she sometimes slept at his apartment. Sai went with her to Naruto and Hinata’s wedding. And Shikamaru and Temari’s wedding. And Sasuke and Sakura’s. And Choji and Karui’s... There was a shocking number of weddings recently.

It was never romantic though. Their “dates” often had a few tag-alongs or didn’t seem all that different from what friends normally did. Sleeping together was never anything more than sleeping. She could count the number of times they’d just shared the bed on one hand. And they never slow danced at the weddings. Their friends didn’t even acknowledge they were together. Maybe they didn’t know. Or maybe they did and just thought they were just having fun with each other until they met their real soulmates. That was a depressing thought.

Ino tried not to let it bother her. She really liked Sai, that never changed, and she enjoyed all the things they did together. It was fun. Maybe even more fun than it would be with someone else since there weren’t any expectations and there weren’t dozens of eyes watching everything they did. Still, part of her longed to have the future she’d always expected. She tried to ignore the part of her before it became too much to keep inside.

But as a clan head, she couldn’t ignore it forever.

She was in some Yamanaka-Nara-Akimichi Clan meeting when it came up. Normally these meetings were uneventful, just a bunch of clan elders hooting about babies and food or whatever, so Ino had been zoning out while they bickered and shuffled papers around the table. But with Shikamaru and Choji both married, she should have expected it.

“...so that brings us to the issue of heirs,” an elder said, snapping Ino’s attention back to the meeting.

All eyes in the room immediately fell on her. She sat up a bit straighter. “What?”

“The Nara Clan head and Akimichi Clan heir have already found their partners and are close to securing their clans’ futures,” the elder went on. Her name was… Ino wanted to say Chizo? Wait, no. That was an Akimichi name. Chizo was that one over there with her hand deep in a plate of cookies. This was a Yamanaka. What was her name? Ino couldn’t remember for the life of her. “The Yamanaka Clan on the other hand…”

“You think I can’t lead the clan on my own?”

Another elder made a noncomitmental noise. This one’s name was Ezume, Ino was pretty sure. Or maybe Ezuko? Either way, he was a Nara. She knew that much. By the sages, she really should know her own clan elders’ names. She’d known them all her life. How was she this bad with names? It was like she’d gotten worse over the years. “We know your capabilities, Ino, but every clan head must have a husband or wife to help shoulder the responsibilities of leading the clan and bring life to the next generation.”

Ino could practically feel Shikamaru and Choji making faces behind her. The elders were trying to be nice about it but they were basically telling them their wives only mattered to bear children for them and keep some stress off their shoulders. If the clans’ stability didn’t rely on the elders so much, Ino would’ve dragged Temari and Karui in here to speak their minds and slap some sense into them years ago.

The Yamanaka elder was speaking again. Ino wanted to say her name was Fumiko but she was pretty sure she was just thinking about her cousin Fū. They looked kind of similar. What ever happened to him? She hadn’t seen him in years. “You’ve had plenty of time to search for your soulmate. If you haven’t found him, we will choose-”

“Ino’s found her soulmate,” Shikamaru interrupted. His voice dull and bored but his eyes were sharp and telling. Ino wanted to punch him but he was out of reach and she didn’t think the elders would appreciate it much.

“Oh?” the elder, Chizo this time, said, looking interested.

“I’ve heard nothing of this,” another Yamanaka spoke up, sounding annoyed. This one was named Haneen, or at least Ino was pretty sure. Close enough. Ino would consider that a win if she wasn’t struggling to think of a response.

“Uh…”

The elders looked displeased. “Why have we heard nothing of this?”

“Um…. 

Ino looked to Shikamaru and Choji for help but they were already making a break for the door, the traitorous bastards. She turned back to the elders’ angry faces, swallowed away her uneasiness, and steeled herself for the inevitable discomfort that was coming her way. ___________________

Sai was coming back from a mission with Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, Kakashi and Yamato when he saw Shikamaru and Choji barreling towards him with panic on their faces.

“We didn’t do it!” Naruto yelped immediately, practically springing away from them. “Tell Granny Tsunade it was just part of the mission!”

The two skidded to a stop and Naruto was met with confusion. “What?” 

“...Are you not coming from the Hokage’s office?”

“...No? We were just at a clan meeting. What were you doing?”

“Nothing!”

Sasuke shook his head and sighed while Sakura pinched her brow in exasperation. Sai and Yamato glanced at Kakashi then shared a deadpan look. Naruto really was an idiot sometimes. The Sixth Hokage was standing right next to them. Tsunade was finding out no matter what Shikamaru and Choji heard from them.

Sakura, always the most polite of the bunch, offered Shikamaru and Choji a smile. “Ignore them. Did you need us for something? Do I need to be at the hospital? Or did Kakashi-sensei lose some important paperwork again?”

“If it was really important they wouldn’t let me lose it,” Kakashi piped up lazily.

“We actually came here for Sai,” Choji spoke up. For once, he didn’t have his trusty bag of potato chips in hand. And Ino wasn’t there. That was concerning.

“Is something wrong?”

“Kind of,” Shikamaru said, looking a bit guilty as he scratched the back of his head. “So… I may or may not have told our clan elders that you and Ino are soulmates and they may or may not start harassing you about marrying her.”

Shikamaru spoke quickly and quietly and it took Sai a moment to realize what he was saying. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura, however, didn’t seem to have the same problem.

“You and Ino are soulmates?!” the three screeched in unison.

“I… Yes?” Sai’s head swiveled to look at them in surprise. “You didn’t know?”

“How would we know?” Sakura asked. “Neither of you ever told us!”

“You’ve seen both our soulmarks.”

“Soulmarks are confusing!” Naruto exclaimed and Sai realized he probably should’ve known better than to expect Naruto to connect the dots. He and Hinata practically had the same soulmark, just in different colors, and it’d still taken them years to figure it out.

“We went together to your weddings.”

“I thought you two were just going as friends,” Sasuke admitted and he wasn’t exactly wrong. 

That made Sai hesitate. Were they friends? Or were they dating? How was he supposed to remember where they’d been in the relationship all that time ago?

“I’ve spent so much time with just the two of you,” Sakura said. “Are you saying I was third-wheeling on your dates?”

“I mean… No?”

“Wait, Ino’s soulmark is on her arm. Did you know since you met her after our first mission? Have you been dating since then?”

“No.” That was a question Sai could answer confidently. Kind of. Oh by the sages, he really didn’t know what he and Ino were doing, was he?

Sasuke opened his mouth to continue pressing him but Kakashi put a hand on his shoulder, stopping him before he could begin. “You five run along. I’d like to talk to Sai alone. Yamato, make sure they don’t destroy anything. Any more than it’s already been destroyed, at least.”

“No promises,” Yamato said drily and began ushering the younger ninja away from the former ANBU. “Come on, let’s get something to eat.”

“I want ramen!”

“I want barbecue!”

“Ramen!”

“Barbecue!” 

“That’s literally all we eat! Can’t you two pick something else?”

Sai watched the group walk away, bickering until they were out of sight, before turning his attention back to Kakashi. The man was watching him with a peculiar look in his eye that Sai didn’t understand. He waited for him to say something but Kakashi remained silent and the seconds soon stretched into minutes.

“Let’s take a walk,” Kakashi said eventually and Body Flickered onto the rooftops. Sai followed him without missing a beat.

“Why did you want to talk to me, senpai?” Sai said once it became clear Kakashi wasn’t going to say something first.

“You looked stressed when Shikamaru said the clan might suggest you and Ino getting married. It takes a lot to get a reaction out of you,” Kakashi said nonchalantly. “I just want you to know you can talk to me if you need someone.”

“I don’t know if there’s really anything to say.” That wasn’t really true but after explaining himself to Shin, and his teammates, and Ino, and Ino’s teammates, Sai had accepted he didn’t really have the vocabulary to express how he felt. But it never stopped him from trying. “I’ve never wanted romance. I like what I have with Ino but it isn’t romance. Everyone expects us to… be like every other soulmate. Be in love, get married, have kids. I’m not really opposed to marrying her but I don’t really want to. The only reason we would is for clan politics. Marriage is supposed to be this ceremony of love and I just don’t… I don’t really feel what everyone else is feeling.”

“Because of your time in ROOT?”

That question was expected but Sai tried not to let it bother him. He was not successful. “I don’t know. Maybe but I don’t think so.”

“Is it a lack of attraction?”

“What?” 

That was such a strange question but Kakashi didn’t really seem to understand Sai’s confusion. “Is it a lack of attraction?”

“I don’t… I suppose she’s attractive.” Sai never really thought about her that way but he knew other people thought she was. He’d been hearing it for so long that he believed it. But were those his own feelings or just the influence of others? He remembered wanting to call her ugly when they met but he thought everyone was ugly so he’d called her gorgeous because he thought she’d like it. And he just kept doing it. He’d done it so much that it’d just stuck with him and he’d forgotten the origin of the nickname. By the sages, was every compliment he’d given her the offspring of a lie?

Surprisingly, a look of understanding spread across Kakashi’s masked features. “So you aren’t attracted to her?”

“I just said she’s attractive.”

“That isn’t the same as being attracted to her.”

“What’s the difference?”

“A few years ago, Master Jiraiya gave me this book he’d written that was rejected by his publishers,” Kakashi began and Sai didn’t really know where he was going with this. “You know he writes romances, right? Well, he got this piece of criticism that said if you’re going to write about love and relationships, you need to understand that it’s not all romantic. Or sexual. You can imagine how confused Jiraiya was.”

Sai was kind of lost but he nodded along anyway.

“So he did some research. And not the kind of research he normally does. He actually talked to anthropologists and professors from different nations, I think. He wrote a character that didn’t experience romantic or sexual attraction. She still knew love and could appreciate a pretty face but she knew she wasn’t quite experiencing what everyone else was feeling.” Kakashi paused. “The word for not experiencing romantic attraction is aromantic. The word for not experiencing sexual attraction is asexual. They’re not really common words, it took Jiraiya a long time to come across them, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you hadn’t heard them…”

Kakashi trailed off and Sai’s brain tried to catch up. Sexual attraction? Romantic attraction? They were different? Romantic feelings were supposed to be connected by some kind of desire? Desire to do what? That just sounded really weird. Sai had never heard someone phrase it that way yet it made sense in the most confusing way. “So… wanting to have a romantic relationship has to do with attraction?”

Kakashi shrugged. “Beats me. I’ve never felt that way. I didn’t actually know I’m asexual or aromantic until I read the book and I saw myself in that character.”

“You’re like me?” Sai said in surprise. Almost instantly, his world felt a bit brighter. Like everything was grey and he was seeing color for the first time.

Kakashi nodded. “You know Guy’s my soulmate?”

“Really?” That was actually really shocking but both men covered themselves at pretty much all times, leaving no room for a soulmark to peak out, so there was no way Sai ever would’ve seen either of their soulmarks. Maybe there was a reason for that. Probably not. “I thought you two were just friends.”

“We are, in a way, but we’re also more than that,” Kakashi said, slowing down a bit to try to find the right words. “Guy and I tried to have a relationship when we realized we’re soulmates but it didn’t really work. Guy prefers women and I’m not even sure if he likes men like that. We haven’t talked about it in awhile. And I never really liked anyone that way. But once I heard the words aromantic and asexual, I felt whole. Like I could explain my feelings and I wasn’t missing anything. I didn’t feel broken anymore. After I told him, it was like everything started making sense.”

“Are you two still together?”

Kakashi nodded. “Things got a lot easier when we gave up… The word Jiraiya used in his notes was amatonormativity. That’s kind of like, um, the belief that romantic and sexual relationships are the peak of human experience and everyone should prioritize those kinds of relationships over everything else. You and Ino don’t have to do what our society expects you to do. You can just do whatever feels right.”

Sai nodded slowly. Ino had mentioned once that it felt freeing to not necessarily follow the traditional route of dating but they’d still always felt that pressure to act like a couple. It felt like a huge weight being lifted off his chest to hear that it was okay to do just be. And the fact someone he knew and respected thought it was normal and even encouraged it was priceless.

He opened his mouth to thank the other man but his throat suddenly swelled shut and all that came out was a choking noise. It surprised him, he’d never felt enough emotion for him to be rendered unable to speak. Kakashi looked surprised as well but his eyes soon crinkled with fondness. 

“Go to her, Sai.”

Sai was already moving.

____________________

Ino wasn’t expecting to find Sai waiting at her front door when she got home from getting drilled by her elders at the clan meeting.

It looked like he’d been there for awhile. He’d taken out a piece of charcoal and began doodling on her doorstep. It was rather beautiful but she knew she’d have to hose it off sooner or later unless she wanted dusty footprints tracked through her house. He seems pretty focused on his drawing but not enough that he didn’t jump up in surprise at the sound of his soulmate approaching.

“We don’t have to get married!” he blurted out upon her arrival. The piece of charcoal fell out of his hand and cracked on the cement.

“Um, okay,” Ino said slowly. “Really weird thing to say at the beginning of a conversation, Sai, but okay…”

Sai at least had the decency to look a bit embarrassed and hurried to explain himself. “Shikamaru and Choji told you about your meeting.”

“Oh.” Ino felt the muscles in her shoulders tense up. By the sages, that meeting really had been hell. “And…?”

“Apparently my teammates didn’t know we were soulmates. Sakura might be coming here to yell at you soon, by the way,” Sai told her and it took Ino a moment to fully process what he was saying. Had they really not known? Sakura was her best friend. Ino talked to her about Sai all the time. And Naruto had seemed pretty happy when they told him they were going to his wedding together. And Sasuke had a Sharingan for crying out loud! He really should’ve noticed. Sai didn’t really seem concerned about it though. “But that’s not important. I talked with Kakashi and…”

Sai cut himself off, his excitement fading as doubt overtook him. Ino took his hands, ignoring all the charcoal dust on them, and offered an encouraging smile. “And?”

“I think… I think I’m aromantic. And asexual,” Sai told her and he smiled. It wasn’t his usual awkward smile though. He looked genuinely relieved and maybe even a little bit happy. “Apparently some people don’t have romantic feelings at all. There’s a word for it. Aromantic. I think- I think that’s me. I still care about you and I like being with you but Kakashi told me being aromantic is normal and it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me or that the universe made a mistake making us soulmates. It just means we can- We can just be us. Sai and Ino. And Sai and Ino don’t have to listen to anything anyone tells us to do. And that means we don’t have to get married. Unless you want to…?”

Ino watched Sai’s face carefully as it flashed between excitement, awkwardness, nervousness, and joy. She’d never seen him express so many feelings, let alone all together in such a short period of time. It was cute. And endearing. Especially when he stumbled over his words like this. By the sages, she loved him. And now she knew he loved her, even if it wasn’t the way she loved him. She was okay with that though. She was definitely okay with that. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Screw tradition. Forget the clan,” Ino said, breaking into a smile as she put her arms around Sai’s shoulders so she could look up into his eyes. “I like what we have. I don’t care if it’s not what I thought I’d grow up to have or if it’s not what my family wants for me. I just want to be with you and it doesn’t matter if we’re friends, lovers, neither, or something between.”

Sai’s smile grew and he just looked so happy. “We’re soulmates.”

“Yeah. That’s what we are. We’re soulmates.”

More AroWriMo Fics By Me, Posted on Ao3, Posted on FFN

#Aro Writing Month 2021 #arowrimo #aromantic writing month 2021 #oneshot #fanfiction #naruto #naruto: shippuden #saino #sai #sai (naruto) #ino #ino yamanaka #yamanaka ino #soulmate au #soulmates #soulmarks #soulbonds #aromantic soulmate au #aro sai #ace sai #aromantic sai #asexual sai #aroace sai #aromantic character #asexual character #asexual #aromantic #aspec #asexuality #aromanticism

[klaumiel]

Bad Boy’s comeback.// Fanfic Skylar Quinn.

Another boring business class, why do we need to know this? How will this help me with my future designer projects? Egh …I’m so glad is the last year.

I stared at my laptop, trying to focus on the class, but I found it boring as hell. I looked around; everyone else looked no less bored than me.

I checked some of my old emails- might as well clean my mailbox I’m sure it would be less boring than this class. I stopped seeing an email that I sent to Mrs Price a few weeks ago. I looked at the attached photo of Skylar Quinn; I didn’t forget him… who would? This unbelievably hot bad boy who I met on Lovelink just a few weeks ago.

Heir of the Europen candy manufacturing business, passionate about robotics, in that kind of nerdy way, what I've learned later on.He wanted to quit his Business studies that were only needed for the family business that he inherited, but he didn’t enjoy it, well, he hated it. I decided to help him with the first step and sent his projects to his teacher Mrs Price.

Just a couple of days in our chatting he tried to steal a car from Mrs Price to visit me, it was the craziest idea ever. I knew then that this guy means trouble, but instead of cutting him off, I was more intrigued by him, I wanted to get to know him better. I could say that this guy definitely deserves an official nickname Adrenaline Junkie.

A few days later, Skylar invited me to -what I thought at the time –his house, for a date. This was our first time seeing each other in the flesh. I still remember the moment I saw him in for the first time in his red tight swimsuit showing all the right things the way it should.  Even now, the thought of those abs and muscled arms give me hots. We spend some excellent time, but just before we got to the best part of the date, the house's real owner showed up.

Only then Skylar told me this was the Chief police officer's house and not as stupid me thought –his. We ran for our lives, I hid in the bushes, but Skylar left me there- alone. I was furious, that’s not how you treat your date!

After a few clumsy attempts to apologise, I forgave him this small fuck up and demanded a proper date. Unfortunately, before we managed to have one, his school lab caught on fire, and he was accused of being behind it, because of his previous clashes with police.

He decided to escape, but he promised me he would come back for me. This was the last time I heard from him; I had no idea what happened to him. Did he got caught? Did his grandparents help him disappear?

Damn you, Skylar Quinn! Why do I always fall for bad boys? What they have in them that is so damn hot? Why couldn’t I fall for some sweet nerd who would bring me chocolates and flowers and take me to the cinema and snuggle under the blanket, and shit? Instead, I was head over hills for a guy who steals cars and runs from the police, breaks into the Chief officer’s house to impress a girl on their first date, and then just runs off and then gets in trouble for something he actually didn’t do this time.

He didn’t reach out to me for over a month since he left and it was concerning. I thought for a second that maybe he forgot about me already, we saw each other twice, we weren’t a couple, we weren’t even dating. He probably ran away somewhere and just forgot about his promise; I guess he is that type—a heartbreaker.

I’ve been thinking about him from time to time; I wasn’t able to use Lovelink again. After all that I give up, for now, I didn’t need more troubles in my head, or maybe it was hope that pushed me away from meeting anyone else? Hope that he will text eventually? Come on, woman! You are not fifteen, and this is not a movie. He simply ghosted you!

I got snapped from my thoughts by people getting ready to leave the class. Thank God, this is over.

After class as always, I went to the gym to let out some steam, came back to my empty apartment sat my single ass on the couch with the box of chow main nuddles and beer scrolling through Netflix looking for something to watch. Bridgerton, for the third time … because why not.

Few minutes into the series, I saw my phone flashing from the coffee table, I reached to see who could want my attention on Tuesday afternoon. It was a message from an unknown number, a photo of me in the class looking out the window- today! I started to panic; someone is watching me! Started to type ‘’Who are you…’’ when another message popped. ‘’ You look like you can use some fun J… I missed you. S.’’

S? Skylar!? Holy shit!  I instantly replied ‘’ Skylar? Is that you?’’ I saw three dots jumping on the screen; I was getting impatient. ‘’Maybe…come to the roof and find out for yourself ;)’’ Roof!?  

I was puzzled, but as always before using the useful part of my brain used for logical thinking, I  turned off the TV, put my shoes on and walked out the door right to the elevator. I lived in one of the tallest apartment blocks in town and never been on the roof.

I pressed the level 25 and looked in the mirror, fixing my messy hair. What if this is not Skylar? What if is some kind of serial killer? Fuck it; my life is dull anyway. At least they will talk about me in the news; I will be dead but famous.

The elevator’s door opened, suddenly I felt stressed, scared but walked out towards the last few stairs, leading to the roof. I opened the door, and the warm summer breeze hit my face. I could see the whole town from there, the sun was going down on the horizon behind me, the view was mesmerising, but that wasn’t the reason I was there. I walked forward and looked around, but I didn’t see anyone…great … this must’ve been some stupid joke.

I turned around to go back to the elevator and go back home, already properly annoyed, cursing whoever decided to make that stupid joke and myself for falling for it.

Then I saw him leaning on the door with his arms crossed, and his signature cocky smirk on his face. His black hair messy from the breeze, his blue eyes sparkling in the sunset, tight burgundy shirt exposing his muscular arms, God he looked like a masterpiece.

Without saying anything or leaving my gaze, Skylar approached me slowly, grabbed my hand and kissed my knuckles ‘Hi, gorgeous.’ he smiled, with ‘this’ look in his eyes that give me butterflies when I first saw him. Did I missed him? Hell yes, I did!

‘What are you doing here ?’ I asked, pointing with my other hand at the roof, my other hand still firmly in his.

‘I promised I would come back for you, remember? So here I am.’ He smiled, squeezing my hand ‘It’s silly, but … I missed you.’ He said and looked away shyly like he was scared to see my reaction. Skylar Quinn, shy? Unbelievable.

‘It’s not … I missed you too.’ I said, he looked at me again ‘I’m delighted to see you; also, I was worried. What happened to you after?’ I asked, he took a small step closer and looked me in the eyes.

‘I will tell you everything, in just a moment, but first …’ he said touching my cheek with his fingers which gently slipped behind my neck and pulled me closer for our lips to meet, he kissed me gently but urgently, I returned the kiss burring my fingers in his soft black hair. His lips were soft and gentle; I felt the butterflies dancing in my stomach and warmth reaching my body. Skylar traced his fingers down my back with the other hand, still firmly holding the back of my neck, rubbing my cheek with his thumb. I felt the heat building between us. After a few precious minutes; we pulled away, Skylar grabbed my hand and pulled me to the other side roof. I saw a blanket and some cushions neatly laid on the ground with lanterns on each side, a bottle of wine and some snacks waiting for us.

‘Oh wow, Skylar Quinn… what happened to you?’ I giggled.

‘I owe you a date, and that’s all I could think of that doesn’t involve breaking the law.’ He laughed.

‘Impressive, I am shocked.’ I smiled, sitting on the blanket next to him. He reached for two glasses and a bottle of wine and then I touched the cushions and realised ‘What the hell!? Are those my cushions!?... and blanket?’ I raised my eyebrow. ‘Did you break into my house, Skylar?’  he started to laugh, for some reason I wasn’t surprised, he’s laugh was so adorable and hot. I couldn’t be angry at him; after all, he was here, he kept his promise. I will have plenty of time to be mad at him to break into my apartment.

‘I did borrow a couple of items from you, indeed.’ He said, not feeling sorry what so ever, and passed me the glass.

‘Well, so tell me… what happened after you left the library?’ I asked sipping the wine.

‘Police caught me; there was no way I could escape. I’ve spent the last month in jail…’ he said looking down.

‘Oh my God, Skylar! That’s horrible … why they kept you so long?.’

‘Chill, all is good now. They found the guy who did it, and they let me out. It wasn’t that bad; I was lucky to have a cool cellmate for most of the time there, Damien made this whole experience a lot easier. I hope to meet him again once he is out, rough around the ages but a cool guy, good friend material. He helped me realise a few things, and I am grateful. ’ Skylar said with a warm smile.

‘I’m glad everything is good now, I was worried that you escaped and ghosted me, we weren’t really dating or anything, so I thought you forgot about me and just moved on.’ I said, looking at my wine glass.

‘I actually want to tell you something, but please don’t laugh, ok?... Promise you won’t laugh.’ He looked at me, with his piercing blue eyes sending shivers down my spine, I nodded. ‘I’ve been thinking about you every day. You showed me a different view on life. Thanks to you, I understood that it is important to pump the breaks from time to time for the right person. And I am ready to do that, for you… I’m willing to slow down a bit. After our date, I realised I put you in danger, and that wasn’t cool, I care about you, you know?’ Skylar brushed his hand down my arm, his eyes not leaving mine.

‘I had no idea you felt that way, Skylar… Well, it’s not like we had much time to develop anything yet, but in that short time I think I started to like you.’ I said smiling, somehow deep inside I was glad he was willing to change. ‘I'm really glad  I met you, even though you fucked up from the start by leaving me nearly naked in the bushes in the broken in the house.’ I gave him a slightly angry look, but still smiling.

‘Damn it! You will never forgive me this small fuck up, huh? He said, rubbing the back of his neck; I could see in his eyes that he was sincerely sorry.

‘I’m only teasing you silly.’ I laughed and gently pushed his shoulder.’ I hated you for a split of a second, but I had fun after all.’ I smiled; I could see the relief on his face but looked nervous playing with strings of the cushion, there was something on his mind, and I couldn’t put my finger on it ‘Something wrong?’ I asked, tipping my head down to him, to meet his eyes.

‘No, everything is perfect. I am just trying to think how to… hell … I’m not good at these things.’ He said

‘Just spill it.’ I said, holding his hand, Skylar shifted a bit closed.

‘So, I know we aren’t dating or anything, but I like you, and I would like to see where this thing between us go. So my question is, would YOU like to continue where we left off and see where this goes?.’ He asked a little bit shy, looking so precious and adorable, like a completely different Skylar. ‘Listen, if you are already dating someone, that’s fine … just tell me.’ He said, getting more nervous.

‘I am not, actually since you left I didn’t open Lovelink once. I kind of hoped that you would come back, and to answer your question… yes I would like to pick it up from when we left it.’ I smiled ‘How about we come back to the moment in the pool, before the whole running away happened?’ He shot me a cocky smirk.

Skylar took an empty glass from my hand and put it aside, and sifted closer to me, grabbing the back of my neck and gently pulled towards him.

‘So... where were we?’ He asked with a hungry voice; I could feel his breath on my lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck, burring my lips in his. He kissed me gently at first but with each touch deepened. Skylar lied me gently on the cushions, exploring my body with his hands. His touch was caring and loving, but at the same time hungry and passionate, he slipped his hands under my shirt, teasing my bare skin with his fingers, my hands tracing trough his hard abs under his shirt, unable to wait any longer we pulled from the kiss and quickly tossed our tops aside for our bodies to touch.

We kissed and touched each other all over, completely lost in time. He stopped for a second and looked at me with his piercing blue eyes and smiled.

‘You are beautiful; you know that?... Thank you.’ He brushed my cheek with his thumb.

‘For what?’ I asked, trying to catch my breath.

‘For waiting, you are special, and I don’t want fuck this up … I am glad I swiped right.’ He said, sliding his hand under my leggings, I tilted my head and moaned with pleasure when he reached my most tender spot, he kissed and sucked my neck while teasing me with his hand pushing me to the edge, the view of his perfect muscles from that angle only fueled my desire. I wanted him, all of him, I moved my hand from his chest to his jeans undoing the button and the zip reaching for his excitement already waiting for me ‘Oh Fuck!.’ He moaned into my ear when I started to move my hand on him.

The sun completely disappeared from the horizon; the city's lights and stars surrounded us, warm summer breeze danced between our now naked, sweaty bodies. Skylar knew exactly where to touch me where to kiss me driving me crazy; we didn’t care that someone could see us, this moment was perfect. We could hear the echo of our moans bouncing around us, creating a perfect melody; we could definitely be heard, and that adrenaline made it even more special.

Who would’ve thought that my afternoon would turn from eating nuddles on the sofa alone working myself by the view of the Duke, to making love with the hottest bad boy on this planet on the roof of my apartment block under the stars, feeling like I own the world. You know what Bridgerton? You can go an hide yourself; this is a million times better.

If someone asked me to choose where I want to be, I would choose this moment a hundred times over.

The fact that this sweet guy came back to me, gave me a boost of confidence and made me realise how much I like him, I didn’t know what future will hold for us, but I was ready to find out. Goodbye my dull life, welcome Skylar Quinn.

#skylarquinn #skylar #lovelink #lovelink fanfic #skylarfanfic #comeback #badboy

[shmisolo]

I wanted to post the things I’ve made this year in one place.  I haven’t posted most of them over here—largely because I’m not tumblring a lot these days.  But I made a lot this year—both visual and written—that I’m proud of and wanted to share it out.  You can find this post also in tweet form here!

Happy 2020, Reylo friends!  It’s been a wild ride of a year, and mine couldn’t have been what it has been without you.

Visual

Alternate TROS Ending Gifset | World Between Worlds Graphic | Padmé quote gifset | Hadestown AU |  Alfa Gifset | ManDADlorian Video | Rey & Dark Rey Gifset 1 | Rey & Dark Rey Gifset 2 | Rey & Padmé Gifset | Rey Gifset 1 | Rey Gifset 2 | Rey Gifset 3 | Rey Gifset 4 | Rey Gif | Trailer Gifset 1| Trailer Gifset 2 | Trailer Gifset 3 | Kylo’s Karaoke Night Playlist | Graphic for lwaboc for @kylorenvevo | Graphic for Heart’s Flight | Graphic for YTCShepard | Gifs for Sugar, Honey, Honey for YTCShepard | Gifs for @sciosophia | Game of Thrones AU Graphic | Luke Gifset

Oneshots

Investiture for @misscoppelia

In which Ben goes to daven for his father’s yahrtzeit and manages to prove to himself once again that he is both a terrible person and a terrible Jew.

Oh and he sort of falls in love.

baby you can drive my car for @talltig

They call them “soulmates.” Probably because it leaves less of a sting in their mouths.

The Kitchen for flypaper_brain

Rey and Ben, hunting for their first house.

alone with a heart meant for you for @nuanceismyjam

Ben orders Grubhub; Rey's car breaks down.

myosotis for @rissanox

Ben picked the flowers for their wedding.

and beyond for @lilithsaur

“Please?”

For a moment, he thinks it will be like the first time, him begging, her crying and saying no and him not knowing how to protect his crushed heart.

But she doesn’t cry, she doesn’t say, “Please don’t go this way,” she doesn’t look horrified or disgusted. She just grabs him by the front of his shirt and tugs his lips down to hers before reaching down to cup his cock.

You, Me, and He for @rissanox, @persimonne, and @misscoppelia

When they say that Kylo's brain is in his groin, they're not far from the truth.

Alternatively,

In which Kylo Ren is his own penis.

Bliss, Balance and Birth for @selunchen​

Ben teaches their daughter to read.

💦💦💦💦

In which Ben accidentally implies that he gets his cardio from having sex on national television.

Favorites for @lilithsaur

In which Matt is preoccupied in getting Daisy the perfect token of his love on this, the two month anniversary of her agreeing to be his girlfriend.

A Trash Triplets AU.

Gotta Get Up, Gotta Get Out | Moodboard

“Listen asshole,” Rey says as she steps through the door of Poe’s deli. “You have exactly as long as it takes me to buy these cigarettes.”

Ben doesn’t waste a second breathing. “Metaphysically speaking, you and I are intrinsically and inexplicably linked,” he starts because there’s no time for beating around the bush and besides, Rey can sniff out a lie like no one else. “And I'm convinced our true purpose is to to connect with each other, if not help save each other's lives.” She’s opening her wallet and handing Poe a ten. “In another world, hopefully you are doing the same for me.”

The Other Thing for @persimonne

That’s what they don’t warn you about, he thinks idly. In his DesEd class, they’d warned him about knots, and heats, and ruts, and nesting. But they’d never warned him that her home would smell so much like her, like everything he’s ever wanted, that he would be unable to extricate himself.

“Can you make it a little more interesting in like...thirty minutes?” he asks her.

She pulls away and he immediately regrets saying a damn word.

“I could make that work,” she replies dryly. “I’ll pencil you in.”

A for... for @loveofescapism

Rey’s seeing double by the time there’s food on her plate. Oh. There’s food on her plate. That’s good. That’s unexpected at this point. “Eat,” Ben tells her.

So she does. It tastes good. Very good. She likes this food a lot.

“I’ll make sure she knows,” Ben says.

Oh she’s at that point of drunk where she’s just saying things out loud instead of keeping them in her internal monologue.

“You are,” Ben says, looking very amused.

She hopes she doesn’t say anything embarrassing.

“I promise, you haven’t yet, but oh boy, I’m looking forward to this.”

She shoves food into her mouth to keep herself from thinking out loud about his dick in her ass at his mother’s Passover seder.

do or do not (do the do)

In which Ben, in an effort to improve his stamina (look he's making progress, ok?) after reading some articles that he'll never be able to unread, receives some coaching (that he very much did not ask for).

(Very much did not ask for.)

(Not) Interested for @thewayofthetrashcompactor, @monsterleadmehome, @destiniesfic, yuktipatipriya

We're bringing Speed Dating back to Space Battles Bonanza! Register online for one of our special Bonanza sessions of 15 three-minute dates so you’ll no longer have to look for love in a galaxy far far away. Choose from one of seven speed dating sessions, two of which are queer focused. If the Insurgents can blow up the Doom Moon in 11 minutes, let’s see if you can make a love connection in only three.

There’s a history of successful Speed Dating at Space Battles Bonanzas, with long-term couples, engagements and marriages now among the alumni.

--

In which Rey & Kylo meet at their fancon's speed dating.

Never Die for @avamarga

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you.

Forged for @reyloner

There are several reasons that Ben would never have dreamed he’d ever receive this text. The first is that he’d be invited to a Halloween party. The second is that he’d never in his life expected to be in a serious relationship, much less the sort of serious relationship where his partner would suggest matching Halloween costumes. And the last is that he is dating someone who’s show only and they’ve only almost murdered one another twice. Because he’s an A Song of Ice and Fire fan. He hates Game of Thrones.

and getting caught in the rain for @kylorenvevo

What's the point of going to a family wedding if you're not going to hook up with your newly rediscovered brother's baseball coach?

A Picture's Worth for @selunchen

reyjay: hiya your art is amazing

reyjay: it’s a big ask but could you draw me for my art final tomorrow? i’m shit at drawing people and i can’t fail this. can you help?

He stares.

And stares.

And stares.

kyloren: is this some kind of a joke?

reyjay: no?? why??

kyloren: you’re asking me to help you cheat your exam, but you’re not even offering me money?

Bang for your Buck

“We ready?” he asks her, sounding huffy.

“Nice to meet you Ben, I’m just familiarizing myself with your training,” she replies.

“Ok, well I don’t have all day.”

“No, you have,” she checks her watch, “another hour.” Because of course he’d booked an extra long session. Bless that sweet, sweet overtime pay.

“And you’re sure you know what you’re doing?” he asks her and she glances up at him, sure that her eyes are flashing because that’s fucking rude. She’s a professional. Amilyn wouldn’t have hired her if she didn’t know what she’s doing, and just because he apparently thinks he’s the center of the universe doesn’t change that fact.

“Don’t worry, you’ll get your bang for your buck,” she tells him icily.

Two to Tango

Rey: I need to ask you something awkward. Ben: What’s up? Rey: Can I give you a blowjob? Please?

atlanta > all atlanta > community > missed connections for @sand-its-everywhere

In which Rey meets a cosplayer at DragonCon.

Sonsick (I'll fall for you soon enough) for @jeenonamit & YTCShepard

Sheev and Snoke share a moment at the country club.

A Thousand Words for @monsterleadmehome | Moodboard

In which, some years later, Ben encounters someone he drew for nudes.

Truth and Death written for this year’s @reylofanfictionanthology

Ben opens the box. Inside, he sees the charred remains of a helmet.

------------

She is made of sand-turned-clay, where other moving creatures are made of flesh and blood. Their skin cracks in the dry Jakku sun just like hers, but they are alive in their organs.

Rey is alive in a different way.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year written with @jeenonamit | Moodboard

Rey convinces Ben--and his sentient penis--to go with her to a Halloween party.

What could go wrong?

(Working title: "Dicklo 2: Electric BOO-galoo")

Shalom Rav! for @jeenonamit | Moodboard

In which Rey comes to terms realizing that she is attracted to the rabbi.

when the stars and moon align just so for @capaldisrighteyebrow

Songs spoke of red stars on nights that blood was shed. Stars bled too when the great fell. There were no red stars tonight. The stars did not bleed for Snoke.

Would they bleed for Ben?

She swallowed.

Because despite his own words—that he served his master (master, as though he were a draft horse to be yoked and plow the fields of men), that he would give everything to his master, she had seen doubt in his eyes that night, three years ago, when the stars and moon had aligned just so.

oh, my love, don't forsake me (take what the water gave me) for @reyloner and @loveofescapism

Their sabers clashed, humming in the spray, and Rey's heart was in her throat the entire time.

it’s you and me (i know it’s our destiny) | Moodboard

It’s just a kid’s game, he thinks when jealousy pangs in his heart. But it’s more than just a kid’s game.

It’s Pokémon.

It’s the only good thing in his life.

will you come when i call you (i’ll come when you call me) | Moodboard

Surely when Snoke had connected them, he hadn’t connected them like this.  

—

@reylo_prompts: “Due to the Force bond Rey and Ben always come simultaneously. Now they need to figure out how not to do that since it can result in awkward situations.”

The Sweater Curse for @jeenonamit & @commandercrouton

She’s never made a sweater before, but she saw the pattern on Ravelry and who cares if she’s only made (lumpy) hats before—she has to try it.  She has to make it. She has to make it for Ben.

“You realize that Hannukah isn’t an important holiday, right?” Ben asks as she makes eye contact with him.  His eyes are big and brown and—at this moment—mildly annoyed.

“Really?  Is it a giant conspiracy theory?  Part of the war on Christmas?”

“More than you realize,” Ben says and for the life of her she can’t tell if he’s joking.  He does this thing sometimes that’s confusing—where he’ll say something that sounds mopey but is actually snarky and it disarms her every damn time.  “In any event, ugly Hanukkah sweaters definitely aren’t a thing the way ugly Christmas sweaters are.”

“Well, they are now,” Rey says firmly.  “I’m making you an ugly Hanukkah sweater.  Deal with it. And stop moving.”

Ours Is The Fury for @reyloner & @commandercrouton

Rey was tasked with taking Storm's End for her king. She defeated the Storm King Snoke in the Rainwood, but when she proceeded to the castle itself, preparing for a long siege, things did not go to plan.

Seen ✔️✔️ for @ever-so-reylo | Graphic

His lock screen has three texts from Rey on it:

Rey Wife: Babe I know you’re probably busy right now, but you sent that pic to the wrong chat. Rey Wife: Bennnnnnn Rey Wife: Call me when you’re done processing your trauma.

And then about ninety chats from the Skywalker Ranch WhatsApp thread.

--

In which Ben sends a picture to the wrong chat.

With you, Always for @jeenonamit, @nuanceismyjam, and YTCShepard 

Rey's boyfriend is now a Force ghost but they're sure as fuck gonna try fucking anyway.

Chaptered Fics

we decided not to kill the wolves (we wanted to be wolves) for @nerdherderette | Complete | Moodboard

A pack of wolves lives in the woods to the north of Raddus and as winter looms, they have their eyes set on Leia Organa’s stronghold. Rey may be new to Raddus, but she’s not about to do nothing while it may be in danger. And besides, Poe must be exaggerating about wolves the size of bears. She’s not afraid of monsters.

Carry In My Core (That Voice I Adore) | Complete | Moodboards

Starring in her first opera would be stressful as is, but Rey, always one to outdo herself, just had to go and make things even more complicated with Kylo Ren. It’s hard enough looking him in the eye, much less pretending to be in love with him. She can make it through this. She has made it through worse. She can make it through this.

shadow boxes | Complete

Just because they aren’t together, doesn’t mean they’re not in love.

anyway you want to (anyway you've got to) | Complete

But you know she's getting something other Than the love from her mother

A Porn Challenge in which your author makes Rey and Ben bone their way through the month of February.

words like tomorrow (or future, or fate) for @haloren1st​ & @staticcatfish​ | Complete

One day, Rey wakes in a body that's not her own in a town she's never been to before. Who is Ben, whose body she seems to be possessing, and who woke up in her body? Why are they connected this way?

---

A Your name. AU.

Above us, stars. Beneath us, constellations. for @valsansretour​ | Complete | Moodboard

Ben woke, but Luke’s saber wasn’t ignited. Instead, he saw a master who had shattered his trust, who thought he was a monster, and—worse—he was probably right.

So he fled Yavin IV, to Skywalker’s dismay, and no one heard from him since.

Years later, on a wasteland planet, a girl and a fugitive stormtrooper board a Corellian YT-1300 light freighter in desperation to find they are not the only ones trying to steal it.

Why Don’t You And I Combine for @ever-so-reylo | Complete | Moodboard

Rey’s phone rings while she’s at the farmer’s market. She lets it ring. They have a line and it’s only a few hours, and the girls are at school and it’s just her today, so she doesn’t have enough hands. Rose and Finn and Poe are helping Ben move furniture out of his apartment and into the house. They’re probably calling about something silly, or Ben’s calling to say he’s fully moved in and he’s lying in their bed—possibly with his hand on his cock—and that he’s thinking of her.

— 

In which life continues, grows, and Rey and Ben continue to rebuild their relationship.

A sequel to Let’s Get Together.

The Love Committee for @jeenonamit | Complete | Moodboard

In which Rey, tired of her bad luck with dating apps and failed relationships, enlists her friends' help in determining who she should date next.

They take it a little too seriously.

A Year of Me and You for autonomee | Complete

“After you move in with one another, give yourself six months to like one another again,” Maz says, looking at Rey seriously through her bottlecap glasses.

“I’m not going to fall out of love with—”

“No, no. Not love. Love’s not got anything to do with it, child. Like.”

--

Non-linear vignettes of various length, set during the first year Rey and Ben live together.

Hanging by a Moment for pillar-of-salt | Complete | Mix

There are many things that Ben could have tolerated about his parents’ divorce. That his mother had finally had it with his father’s borderline illegal—or rather, as he liked to put it, borderline legal—company, the shady activities it covered that would doubtlessly end her political career if a reporter got hold of them; that his father had finally had it with the way his mother nags, because sure, he’d thought it was hot twenty years ago, but he is in fact an adult who can actually keep his shit together—all that he would have gotten. He’d have been wrecked, but he’d have gotten it.

His dad leaving his mom for a nineteen-year-old gold-digger though, and his mother not even putting up a fight—that had caught him by surprise.

That had hurt.

Be nice to her, Ben, his mother had said on the phone when he’d spoken to her for the first time in five years. She just lost your father.

Yeah. So did I.

Cupcake Wars | Complete | Fingerpainting + Playlist

Entirely by accident, Rey ends up fucking someone who works for Snoke's Cupcakery. She's just blowing off steam. It doesn't mean anything at all. It certainly won't come back to bite her in the ass.

in nobody's eyes but mine for @ever-so-reylo | Complete | Moodboard

Rey had spent too much of her life feeling as though permanence could only be transient so why bother with it. What was long-term? What was mating? What was home?

the water won’t have ya if the devil’s too blind for @thekesselrun | Complete | Moodboard

That water’s too dirty to wash away your sins.

“They’re not sins. I didn’t commit them against god. There is no such thing as god.”

Then whatever you want to call them. Crimes don’t get washed away by a river.

“It’s a cursed river,” Ben points out.

No, it’s a polluted river. Curses aren’t real. Not like that, anyway.

“Are you really well-actually-ing me?”

Yes, I am. Because you’re an idiot. Some extremely oily and not remotely potable water is not going to be able to remove the guilt you feel about killing your father, turning your back on your mother, murdering hundreds of innocents, and helping the First Order destroy the world. Especially when you knew I wasn’t going to let you die.

–

In which Ben Solo washes up on shore, very still alive and unsure of what to do next until a passing scavenger offers him a lift on her boat. Who is he now? Who does he want to be?

Apples & Honey for @peaceblessingspeyton | Complete | Moodboard

When Ben catches wind that his mother is planning to foist a potential girlfriend on him when he comes home for Rosh Hashanah, he takes matters into his own hands: specifically, he runs to Rey and asks her to pretend to be his girlfriend.

There Is Another for @kylorenvevo | Complete | Moodboards: Ch 1 | Ch 3 | Ch 7 | Ch 9 | Ch 11 | Ch14

“Mission success?”

“You will be interested in this.”

“Oh?”

Kylo glances back over his shoulder. The girl he had found on Takodana is still deeply unconscious, and will remain so for a long while. He had knocked her out as deeply as he could. She had fired at him the moment she’d seen him, resisted him tooth and nail. He does not want her waking up until he has her properly restrained, and he had not come to Takodana prepared to take any prisoners.

A shiver runs up his spine as he tries to shove away how it had felt, carrying her through that forest.

“Yes.”

“How so?”

The trouble with helmets is he can’t look Kira dead in the eye anymore. He can’t watch her face closely to see what will happen when he tells her,

“She’s you.”

Dear Mr. President | WIP | Moodboards: Ch13

Dr. Dameron shifts and slides a manilla folder across the desk to her. “Under ordinary circumstances, I’d let you keep the folder. I hope you’ll understand why I can’t do that this time around.”

She opens it and stares.

She stares and stares and stares.

Dr. Dameron has to be kidding. There have to be hidden cameras here, this has to be some elaborate prank. That’s why it’s him here and not Dr. Wexley—that was his name. Dr. Wexley.

But instead of getting to her feet and tossing her hair and saying he was cruel for playing with her heart like this, all she does is ask, blankly, “So...Ben Solo is my soulmate? Our new president is my…”

She swallows.

And Dr. Dameron nods.

so long lives this and this gives life to thee | WIP | Moodboard

His smile fades and he falls to the ground, his head hitting the ground with a sharp crack.

“Ben!” The yell echoes around them in the darkness and Rey lurches forward, her hands scrabbling over his face, his neck, trying to find a pulse.

She bursts into tears when she finds it. She doesn’t know why she’s crying. He’s alive.

———

In which Ben's Force Sensitivity—and not his life—was given to save Rey.

a little death (goes a long way) for @talltig | WIP | Moodboard

“That’s good of you,” he replies. “Especially with the O-Negative.”

“It’s a good deal,” she says and he glances up. Yeah, because Omega blood is harder to find. A taste of life, because they almost never survive the turn.

#reylo #reylo fanfic #reylo fic #rffa writers #year in review

[kimhargreeves]

Traitor-Kylo Ren (Star Wars The Force Awakens)

A/N: I can't belive I havent published any Star Wars content here. I've had my SW one shot book on wattpad for years and thankfully it has gotten plenty of views and it has been one of my favorite books i've published. Kylo Ren is my favorite so expect many one shots on him😙 i wrote this back when The Force Awakens came out and I am pepud of it considering I wasnt a huge SW fan.

"Are you sure that once he sees you again, he'll react and turn to light side again?"

I stare up ahead and watch all of the trees covering in snow,I feel the cold air and snow crushing my skin making me shiver even more with the thought of seeing Ben once again. I look over to Finn and Rey who are staring at me confused. I nod my head a couple of times as I begin to bite my lip which is something i often do when i'm nervous.

"I'm sure besides he killed Han Solo...he was a dear friend of mine and i can assure you that i'll convince him to be good again. I know he's still good deep inside that deep cold frozen heart of his." I sigh and I can imagine how much he has grown since we last saw each other.

<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>

"Ben! Tell your friend (Y/N) that supper is ready!"

"Alright Mom!"

I smiled to myself while I was picking up different colored flowers and making a crown out of them.Ben's mother Leia showed me her beautiful garden a month ago and she told me if i would like and watch over her flowers to which I agreed.

 Every spring new flowers grew around the huge harden and one flower caught my attention. It was a single black rose. It was surrounded by beautiful red ones,I always though that the other matching roses would grow but it didn't.

I would pass by the same bushes and it was the same everyday. "My mother is calling you, idiot." He smacked the flowers out of my hand,making them all fall to the ground. I pouted and glared up at the boy dressed entirely in black.

 I jumped onto him but he stopped me and pushed me away making me fall down on my butt. I tried to not cry but failed. "Ben! What did you do to (Y/N)?" Leia came over and helped me to get up,and wrapped her arms around me.

"Ben. Apologize to (Y/N) right now!"

Ben looked over to his mother surprised that she yelled at him.He smirked down at me "I'm sorry you're so weak and pathetic." He left without saying nothing else and I can tell Princess Leia was angry at her own son. "I'm so sorry (Y/N). Ben has been acting strange lately. Come in i'll make you something sweet to eat."

That day Ben was turning fourteen years old and became distant with all of us. While Leia was talking with her husband. Meanwhile everyone was talking about adult stuff i felt Ben staring at me. I looked over the corner of my eye and saw him glaring at me. I stood up from my chair making everyone look at me "May I be excused?"

"Is everything alright kiddo?"

I nodded over at Han and stepped aside "Yes...i just need some fresh air."

While making my way outside I heard everybody talking happily about Luke training Ben and that they'll be gone for a while. I'll admit ever since Ben and I met. I felt a connection towards him,a strong powerful connection. He was the Yin and I was the Yang in our relationship. 

We became closer and eventually we started dating a year ago. Even though I was two years younger than him,i can tell that I loved him more than just a friend.

"(Y/N)"

I quickly looked back and saw him behind me,his hands behind his back probably hiding something. "What do you want?!" I ask him with a glare. He looks down at me,angry. Yep this was our relationship. Of love and hate. 

"Stop whining about everything and woman up, You're already twelve so I suggest you train harder and try to impress me." He stared at my eyes and I into his dark brown ones.

"If you came here to scold me than you should just leave!" I folded my arms and looked away from him. I heard him coming closer and he took my hand "I won't leave you alone. You're just too stubborn and childish." He grabbed both of my hands and gave me the single black rose that was resting in the garden.

 "We're supposed to get married remember? Mother and Father agreed to this before we were born." I gave him a small smile.

"I know." He smiled down at me and held me tight in a hug. "You'll never leave me right (Y/N)?  No matter what happens you'll always stay by my side?" 

"....I swear I will, Ben."

<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>

"Go up ahead i'll catch you two in a minute."

Rey and Finn both nodded and ran down to confront Ben. Well now most known as Kylo Ren. I watched them run into the forest, "Now's my chance to prove that i've gotten stronger and smarter. I promise i'll bring you back Ben." I grabbed my lightsaber and placed it on my sweater as I began to chase them.

I ran which was impossible in the snow. But i managed to find them "You are all traitors! You were supposed to kill her and now look at you!" My eyes widen and I saw Ben just a few feet away from me.

 "(Y/N)" Rey whispered. 

Ben stood still and slowly looked behind him. "Well isn't it little (Y/N) , She's not so little anymore i see."

"I've changed Ben."

"BEN IS DEAD!! My name is Kylo Ren and i'm the commander of the first order."He glared at me and fully turned his body to see me well. 

"I know that already. You killed your own father Ben-"

 "HE WAS NOT MY FATHER! CALL ME BEN ONE LAST TIME AND I WILL RIP YOUR HEAD."  I stared into those brown lifeless eyes. "I swear I remember how I killed you parents," 

"I dont care! I know there is still good in you...I'm bringing you back with me."He smirks and grips his lightsaber tighter.

"Your going to send my back to my mother so she can scold me and convince me to be good again? No no (Y/N), that will never happen again. I'm going to finish what Darth Vader started." 

He started to laugh once he saw me a bit scared. "Did I scare little (Y/N)?" He looked down at my hands and stared at them confused. "Your still wearing that filthy ring."

"Yes. I still have hope that we'll go back and get married." I say with tears in my eyes now. I shake my head and held onto my hair that kept getting on my face. 

"You still believe that iI want to get married?!" 

"You were getting married to him?!" Finn suddenly shouts. Ben looks behind and glares at him.

"Please come home...Ben."

He drew his lightsaber and began walking towards me,furious. "Oh shit." I start walking backwards and He does seem like he's gonna kill me. 

"Don't touch her!" I hear Rey shout. She starts to attack him along with Finn but Ben defeated them. "Now i'm going to kill you."

My breathing quickens and I start to run away from him, "IIt's not fair if you keep running away." I look behind me and see nobody there. I scream once he appeared behind a tree and nearly chopped my head off.

 I drew my purple lightsaber and swung it at him making him scream in agony as he holds his face. "Ben. Please listen to me this isnt y-you. I want you back..I still love you Ben!!"

He swung his lightsaber at me making my hiss as I hold onto my leg that started bleeding a bit. "Finally. The time has come to kill you. You were the one who made me feel loved and never lonely..But that needs to change."

He pushed me and I fell onto the snow and I closed my eyes prepared to die "At least you'll be the one to kill me." I opened my eyes and saw him inches apart from my face.

"You promised to me thay no matter what happened you would stay by my side...Don't ever come and look for me or next time I WILL kill you." I stared up at him confused. 

He leaned down and kissed my lips. I kissed him back and when we parted he drew his lightsaber and stabbed it onto my shoulder. "AHHH!" I hold my shoulder and cry.

"I hope we don't see each other again." He placed something on my pocket and walked away like nothing happened. I heard Rey shouting at Finn and they both came and helped me get up.

 We arrived at the Millenium Falcon and Chewie greeted us. "Where did Kylo go?" "Don't ask that to her her! She needs to be heled first. That bastard will pay."

They placed me on a seat and they took off my sweater and lowered my shirt as they bandaged my shoulder which had a huge wound. "He'll never change. We gotta tell General Leia about this." I confused reached over the pocket and took out what Ben placed inside. His matching ring. 

"Yes. He will never to back...that makes me an enemy and a traitor..." I was never there for him. So I guess this means that we will most likely never see each other again....

#star wars #star wars the force awakens #star wars x reader #star wars imagine #kylo ren #kylo ren x reader #ben solo #rey #finn #han solo #leia skywalker #chewbacca #adam driver #general leia #the resistance #first order #sith #jedi

[ms31x129]

@xfpornbattle @muldermakesmehorny @cultureisdarkbeer @season4mulder @peacenik0  @today-in-fic (I’m cheating a bit this is Chapter 1.) 

#61 Somehow Mulder has to pretend to go down on Scully. He teases her until neither of them can take it anymore.

AO3 version HERE. Or read below.

Inner Sanctum: Shadow Play

The universe is conspiring against him. Mulder is convinced. Scully thinks the same thing - although neither of them voice the thought aloud.

In 6 years working together they’d only been undercover as a couple once. Once is all it took - it seemed now every time they needed a pair of agents to pose undercover Mulder and Scully were called in to assist.

Which is how they found themselves here on assignment with 2 other pairs of agents trying to catch a suspect in a string of home invasions. All the victims were wealthy and all had confessed to visiting this particular establishment. 

An establishment that catered to specific vises. The outer business, the Inner Sanctum, was a high class cocktail bar. The right amount of power and money would get you through the secret door and into the real business.

Fantasies. Sex…. Shadow Play.

All the victims had come from this rented room. In the middle of was a circular stage the props interchanged as needed for each fantasy. It was simple this time a bed, a chaise lounge, dresser, an antique looking vanity, with an oval mirror and stool, nightstand - a typical bedroom. 

Some type of glass door system and a curtain on a track would allow for the Shadows of those within to be seen by the voyeur or voyeurs watching without. Chairs, lounges, sofas, tables were spread throughout the rest of the room. All with padded wrist restraints. This room was for instructing the Shadowplayer and then watching, listening to the performance without being able to touch.

Mulder could relate he’d held the object of his affection in his arms many times. Kissed her forehead, her cheek - he tried to kiss her once in his hallway - fate in the form of a Bee. What are the odds of that? Some would call it fate. Even he thought that for a while.

He rescued the girl and himself if he was honest, without her… could he have went on? Attempts to push her away after that were unsuccessful. She’d taken his hand that day and told him ‘if I quit now they win.’

Really not fair to repeat his own words back at him. But that was Scully. Diana had strolled back in and if he was honest - it hurt that Scully even thought he wanted to rekindle anything with her. Especially after kissing her doppelganger and telling her the words he had been so good at keeping locked away in his heart. 

I love you and oh brother as a response was not what he expected. Whey were all these thoughts rolling in his head now before this important stakeout? Maybe it’s because they were all just informed they would have to act out whatever the customer wants - no matter what.

Or maybe it’s because Scully and the other 2 female FBI agents just walked out in their ‘costumes.’ Scully locked eyes with him almost daring him to look anywhere else. It was too late he’d been tracking her movements the moment she stepped into the room.

While he and the other male agents were all dressed similarly in t-shirts and jeans the female agents were dressed for their part - the bored housewife who calls for a repair man. Dressed for seduction and Scully was in black lace.

How was he going to survive this assignment? Mulder could feel the moisture rise to the surface of his skin. He barely resisted the urge to wipe his brow. Was the room suddenly too hot? Was his blood boiling? No it was Scully fantasy #5 and it was live in front of his eyes. To be honest black lace wasn’t a requirement Scully in any color lace would be a turn on. 

Correction … Is a turn on - there’s an undeniable thickening beneath his denim. Shit.

Mulder glanced at the other agents he noticed he wasn’t the only one fidgeting. Scully finally arrived at his side and he resisted the urge to offer her his coat when he saw her shiver. That fact he wasn’t wearing a coat was beside the point.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly.

She stared straight ahead and responded, “I’m fine. Let’s just get this over with. Hopefully one of the other pairs of agents will be chosen.”

No such luck. The universe was dead set on wrecking havoc on Mulder and Scully’s lives.

The client’s came in a couple, they sat down and an attendant locked their restraints. It was like a private production.

“Welcome to Shadow Play. You know the rules choose your couple and once they enter the Shadow Stage they will follow your instructions. They are your puppets and you are the puppet masters.” The attendant paced before the couples and with a flourish of his hand he spoke.

“Choose the lady of play.”

The man was tall with closely cropped blonde hair and a neatly trimmed beard and mustache. His voice was a deep bass with a slight English or Australian accent when he spoke, “The little one - the redhead. Darling do you like her?”

His feminine counterpart nodded, “Oh yes she’ll be perfect.” With her husky alto it sounded more like purr-fect.

The attendant nodded to Scully, “Please enter the chamber and the other ladies may exit.”

Mulder saw the deep breath Scully took and his hand automatically went to her back as she walked around him and they started into the chamber. He was brought to a halt with the attendants next words.

“Now who do you chose for lord of the play?”

Wait. What? 

Scully paused and then continued on her way - her shoulders had slumped for a moment and then firmed with resignation. This wasn’t the prearranged plan and his eyes narrowed. There was no way anyone, but him was going in there with Scully. Plan or not.

The three men stood still. Mulder felt like chatel - did the other agents feel the same he wondered.

“Darling? Don’t you want the one in the middle? His hair is the same color as mine?”

“He is quite striking, but he doesn’t hold a candle to you. I won’t be able to see their hair color behind the curtain anyway…. I don’t know how can I decide when they are clothed. I need to see their cocks.”

The attendant cleared his throat, “That is not part of the rules, everything happens in shadow.”

“Fuck the rules MAN, my wife wants to see their cocks and I’ve paid for our time. In fact bring Red back out give them some inspiration… I know I’m inspired.” His erection was clearing outlined by the navy trousers he wore and his wife licked her lips feeling her own body responding.

The attendant was clearly ruffled, Mulder noted the fact and filed it away. Scully stepped back out every eye was one her. Creamy skin dusted with the faintest of freckles she stood unafraid and comfortable in her own skin.

“Drop the straps luv, give the gents something to wonder about. I see firm high breasts a perfect handful - are those nips pink like a kitten's tongue, peachy like a succulent apricot? Or dark rose like the juicy flesh of a woman’s cunt?”

Scully reached up and slid first one strap and then the other, until they draped like a piece of black licorice he wanted to gnaw through. And he didn’t even like black licorice, red - cherry flavor yes. That didn’t help his growing problem thinking about Scully in red.

“Okay c’mon gents don’t be shy we all know why we’re here. Whip out your equipment my wife wants to see your packages. We’ve all got ‘em. If my hands were free I’d whip mine out right now. Wouldn't I darling? You'd suck me off right here on your knees. Yes my pet sucks like a Dyson.”

"Do you like bush, men? My pet has a nice little bush just enough that it tickles my lips when I'm eating my fill of pussy."

Both agents Barber and Kinney unzipped their flys and exposed themselves. Scully didn’t react. She was aloof, waiting for the partner the clients would choose. Could she do it - if it wasn’t Mulder? If it was Agent Barber or Kinney? 

“Ooo those are some lovely cocks. Are those boxers or tighty whities I see … it's sort of like they’re popping out of a little fabric nest, like a bird. Not very lively though… Are you two cold?” The woman laughed and her husband chuckled along and then her gaze fixated on Mulder. “How about you? Are you cold too? You can’t be shy or you wouldn’t be here. Honey if he won’t show me his cock tell him to leave. I’ll just choose one of the others.”

“You heard my wife. If you don’t show us your cock get the fuck out. Do you have a teeny weenie, perhaps?” He picked up on the quick eye contact between Mulder and Scully and a wide smile formed. “Or do you just need a little help? Hey Red, why don’t you help him out.”

Scully took a step toward Mulder. “No!” then quieter, “No, I’ll do it.”

Mulder closed his eyes. How could he forget today of all days? He’d bought these button fly jeans on a whim and his hands were working the buttons through the tightly stitched holes until  …

“Holy Mother of God! Get out! The rest of you get out! He’s the one…. Honey? Tell them to leave!”

“You cretins heard my wife. Get out.” The room cleared of all but the main players. “Good God Man! I consider myself well-endowed, but Holy Shite! How do you keep that monster under control? And commando to boot.”

“I think my wifes glazed over eyes means you two meet with her complete approval. Let’s get this show on the road. Into the chamber you two. My first request is for you to suck those titties… I’ll tell you when to stop… use the chaise please.”

Mulder followed Scully into the chamber the door snicked shut, the curtains closed with a swish and the lights dimmed. Scully reclined on the chaise and Mulder gingerly sat beside her. Could they pull this off?

“C’mon man speed it up suck her tits and describe them… we want to hear about those ripe tips… make her moan … make her wet for you.”

Mulder dropped his head, nose and lips nuzzled her neck. Traveled down. Skimmed across the slope of each breast. God, Scully you smell so good. There was a hitch in her breath. Did he say that out loud? 

“Hey, Supercock! This isn’t love’s unfolding flower or some teenage romance. I don’t hear any sucking or slurping and we damn well aren’t hearing any moaning Reds or yours. Get on with it.”

Mulder wished the guy would just shut the hell up. He was trying to make this look real, but not be real. But she was so soft and smelled so delicious… He was only human dammit.

And then Scully let out a throaty moan. Uh-oh. His mouth released the nipple he had been sucking, the lace and silk damp. Her nipples were clearly delineated, hard, he wasn’t sure how long he’d been sucking but his mouth and lips felt the loss.

“More…Mu…” Before she could say his name his hands cupped her breasts and his lips went back to feasting.

End Inner Sanctum: Shadow Play Chapter 1

#xf fanfic #xffanfic #msr smut #msrfanfic #msr fanfic #msrsmut #the xf fanfic #the xfiles fanfic

[eclectic-nb]

1/? Hi I'm an ocean witch and I'm currently doing a month-long ritual leading up to my birthday in August. The point of it requires some context: I grew up in a Southern state, not a drop of ocean water to be found, yet ever since I discovered the ocean when I was young, I've always felt drawn to it. I'm a big believer in past lives and believe I may have been something ocean-related in one. But I've always felt connected to the water. Bodies of water, in general, but specifically the ocean.

1/? I've always dreamt of how the waves look, how it would be to swim past a kelp forest and coral reef into the vast empty expanse of blue water. To see a storm from underneath, the surface torn by winds and rain. And I've always felt drawn to merfolk. Growing up, there were many little plants around my yard. We had a honeysuckle bush on the fence, a bush in the yard that grew bundles of little purple and pink flowers, a peach tree, tulips in the backyard and tons and tons of fairy rings.

1/? I would water these plants and never, ever step in the fairy rings since I knew old tales of humans who would. After I left, everything, even the fairy rings, died. When I was 10 years old, I found a spell online that by now, everyone's knows of or heard of it, where you would wear a charm necklace for a week, say the spell in the bath under a full moon, and become a merperson when the week was up. I did it, having this really beautiful heart stone that shone different colors and since lost.

1/? But something.. weird happened. My last day of the spell was on a Friday. I remember that week (and the many before it) of dreaming, hoping, and wishing to be a merman. When I fell asleep that night, I awoke in water. A few feet off the shore, the water was clear as day. Big stone pillars covered in algae dotted the seafloor and I felt a pull to start swimming, to find something. Ahead of me I saw a flash of an orange/yellowish tail. It wasn't a dolphin or shark or anything like that.

1/? I swam after her. It felt like whoever or whatever this was had feminine energy. She turned left, right by a pillar, and I woke up. My heart was pounding and in one fluid motion, from the seconds between seeing her vanish and waking up, I ripped the necklace off. I calmed myself and went back to bed, then having a dream with hints of clouds and feathers. For years and years I've tried to figure out what this dream means, who that being was, and why I dreamt of air after that since I feel

1/? little to no connection to it. And then I grew much older, moved in with some witchy friends, and started my oceanic craft. Only.. I had a dream, a couple months ago (I can lucid dream somewhat and have always had very vivid ones). My friends and I were driving down a road I know in my town, but it was covered on either side by trees. A forest. We stopped the car by a rundown convenience store to get gas and snacks. It was the dead of night and when I looked up from the car, I saw a sky

1/? full of a thousand stars, a thousand galaxies. It was so vast and you could see every single one. I ripped my gaze away, instead going inside the store with my boyfriend and this girl with hair this shade of orange it looked almost red, piercing green eyes, and freckled white skin. I wasn't aware I hadn't seen her before in my life, and we entered. My boyfriend was asked to stay in the very small entrance, two people sat at a table in front of a door barring him from entry. They let the girl

1/? and I enter. We did and saw a rectangular table with many people sitting at it, all but one I didn't get good vibes about. The one who felt okay was at a corner seat, flashing my friend and I a kind look. I sat the table, which was filled with 3D shapes of all kinds, colorless, top and bottom. In front of me was a very large book, opened to a random page. They told us we had to solve some kind of puzzle and could use the book if needed. I kept looking at the shapes for meaning and before I

1/? knew it our time was up. Here I actively affected the dream by telling them, no, give us another chance. They reset the timer and we started. I flipped the pages to find a folded up piece of paper. I glanced at the woman at the corner seat and it was an old friend of mine. She smiled and winked at me. I looked at the book and looked back, but she was the woman from before. The page I'd flipped to had a picture of a lushous, green valley in it and a folk tale about a lava horse, similar to a

1/? kelpie but benevolent. The piece of paper had a spell written on it. But they were mad we got it and we had to escape. I wasn't worried about my boyfriend or friends, I knew they could get themselves out of trouble. I used the spell and the red-haired girl turned in the lava horse from the story. I hopped on her back and she created a portal to a valley similar to the one in the picture. When I woke in the valley, the girl (not in horse form) and I were in a car, driving in the lil valley

1/? town. One either side were strips of valley that went upward, leading to a dam that people walked on. The girl and I made our ascent and caught a group of people throwing airplanes off the bridge, but they flew so far and didn't really look like airplanes. They offered for us to throw some. I think the girl did. But I had turned to see past the dam. It was an expanse of forests and a field. It stretched on for miles. And I remember smelling the sea breeze and a splash of water before I woke

1/? And that was the dream. My roommate actually had a dream a while back with the same exact red-haired girl in it. We think she may be a Fae. I don't know what this dream means. My friends suggested it could be an introduction to elemental trials to where I have to get through them to go back to the place I dreamt of when I was 10 and that's what my ritual's for. All this month, I've been working with offerings and Caer Ibormeith, Dream Goddess, to try to go back to that spot. Not dream since

1/End I know I was younger and different. I wanted to know your thoughts and apologize for how long this got. I wanted to ensure you had plenty of context. I've also worked with certain sea energies/creatures before and though landlocked, I know my magick is powerful. I really need to get back there. To know what it all meant. And I wanted your thoughts and advice on the matter. Do you think it will be a series of trials? With Earth, Air, Fire and Water? The last dream felt like an introduction.

I also forgot to mention that since July 1, after soaking it in rainwater, I've been wearing a crystal necklace (nearly transparent, light purple/blue in color) and did a ritual bath for the Buck Moon to invoke a similar call to magick that I did at 10. Thank you for reading, sorry about all the tasks. 😳

I apologise if I miss something, so just send in another ask if I do.

First and foremost, I think you should look into starseeds. Mintakan, specifically. They are strongly drawn to water, dream of swimming, compassionate, etc etc. There’s a lot more too it but those are just some key points I noticed.

Also, your first dream kind of sounds like a memory. You should look into the meaning behind each detail and each dream. It will take a while but I think it will give you some answers. Make sure you figure out how the details are connected to each other too. (This may not apply across dreams).

I agree that the girl in your dream may be fae, too. Most have green eyes, and since yours is paired with pale skin, she’s probably a Seelie. Their hair is also indicative of their first element. Some think that the four elements are where faeries originate, which would explain why each faerie has its own element which it can control and create. Mermaid/merman faeries are also a thing and they have the ability to breathe underwater, giving them infinite air.

I believe that the mermaid in one dream and the orange haired girl in another are the same. And, assuming she is fae, she has used/incorporated all four elements in some way. (Walked by a forest, breathed under water, was an underwater creature, colour of her hair, etc).

I’m not too sure if this is a trial but you could ask your deity about it. You have a lot of signs pointing towards one as each element is a reoccurring theme in your dreams.

I also can’t help but feel the need to ask if you did ever step in a faerie circle, even accidentally. There feels like there’s something else you don’t know about the situation so that was my first thought.

One last thing. I’m not sure how you feel about this, nor how I do honestly, but it might be worth researching fae-people. As in humans that are faeries. I don’t know much about them but I know they can be either born or turned.

Don’t be shy if you want me to clarify or help with something!! Lmk if I missed something too

#magick #witchcraft #witchblr #divination #beginner witch #asks #fae #dream #faerie #elements #four elements

[dansnaturepictures]

26/06/2022-West Wood and some bits at home 

On the last day of our week off we went to a place we came during the week off for our last Yorkshire trip in 2018, Farley Mount/West Wood parking at the West Wood car park today and having a great walk around. After a June holiday which has become a month we go away a lot which are often bird and seabird focused when back in the summer we are usually thrust into the balmy butterfly days and its a post-holiday time I look back on fondly in years. And today was a brilliant butterfly walk.

Walking along soon into it we saw a species I had hoped for today when a White Admiral flew along the path. We saw a few more of these delicately marked butterflies as if drawn with a fine pen with the back and white colour and exotic hint of orange on the underwing. We got some cracking views of this species today, my best since 2019 really and I enjoyed seeing a couple close to Red Admiral. Not long after I was delighted to see the pure orange glow of the butterfly that sparked my interest in them all those years ago of a Silver-washed Fritillary flying along. We saw a fair few of these this afternoon too including in an area we saw them well especially last year and the year before this is fast becoming a prime location for them for me, quintessential summer moments seeing these two. Silver-washed Fritillary was a big target today too, I called Small Tortoiseshell my Guillemot of butterflies this week the first butterfly I called my favourite compared to the first bird I called my favourite and Silver-washed Fritillary would be my Little Egret or Great Crested Grebe of butterflies as a favourite of mine now that was an early one I saw in my interest. I took the sixth picture in this photoset of a Silver-washed Fritillary today. 

They were both year ticks to take my year list to a very pleasing 34, the second highest amount of butterflies I’ve ever seen at this stage in a year behind 2020 ahead of where my joint record total 2019 and 2021 where at this stage and it’s my third earliest ever White Admiral sighting in a year. I also had a third wish granted when getting a clear look at a Dark Green Fritillary this afternoon after seeing one at arm’s length over the cliff at Bempton Cliffs on Monday, so this complimented it well another key species for West Wood. Last night at Lakeside and today proceeded by the many we saw whilst in Yorkshire over the last week has felt like an awakening moment in my butterfly summer where I am seeing lots of species and photographing multiple species on a day rather than one or two. I also saw plenty of Commas today they have seemed to have a surge in numbers lately which is great and lots of Ringlets always a delight with top views of Meadow Browns today too seeing both them and Ringlet with open wings was a treat. I took the seventh picture in this photoset of a Meadow Brown today. Eleven butterfly species seen this afternoon felt very good.

There were other insects to admire today especially common red soldier beetles a great symbol of summer these last few years since I learnt them for me with a fair few seen shining in the sunlight including one living up to their other name of hogweed bonking beetle found on some hogweed, I saw some on wild parsnip too. Snipefly, dark bush-cricket as shown in the fifth picture in this photoset, a smashing view of swollen-thighed beetle shining in the sunlight on valerian the two going well together I’d not seen one on this before they do frequent oxeye daisy and buttercup I’ve found as well as bee and a marmalade hoverfly were also nice to see.

As well as hogweed some shown in the fourth picture I took today in this photoset other flowers enjoyed today was my first wild parsnip of the year that had the common red soldier beetles on a nice yellow one I enjoyed seeing last year including here, speedwell, lots of valerian which looked wonderful and pretty, ragwort, herb-Robert, wood avens, thistle, bindweed, dock, agrimony, white clover and I believe bramble flower. The woods and vibrant patches of meadow looked wonderful kissed by the sun today with everything a ripe shade of green, I took the first three and eighth pictures in this photoset of views here today. 

Wildlife Sightings Summary: My first of two of my favourite butterflies the White Admiral and Silver-washed Fritillary of the year, another three my favourite butterflies the Marbled White, Red Admiral and Large Skipper, Comma, Ringlet, Meadow Brown, Dark Green Fritillary, Speckled Wood, Large White, moths including one nice light one, Woodpigeons, possible Whitethroat, Swollen-thighed Beetle, Common Red Soldier beetle, marmalade hoverfly, bee I believe, dark bush-cricket, snipefly and I heard Robin and Chiffchaff I believe.

I liked seeing hoards of Starlings adult and young including lined up on the roof visible from my room something I do like seeing getting pictures alongside Collared Dove with Blue Tit, House Sparrow and Goldfinch among the colourful buddleia and other parts of the back garden before going out today, with Mistle Thrush seen well by Otterbourne on the way to West Wood and I also photographed and admired flowers at home before coming out today I took the ninth picture in this photoset of some of the flowers. I also enjoyed seeing House Sparrow and Starling young and adult very well on the balcony tonight where I took the tenth and final picture in this photoset of a Starling at the fall ball feeder, these were great intimate views which I love having with birds and it was entertaining to see the young Starling in a flower pot hanging down from the balcony a few times. I also enjoyed seeing Magpie and Herring and Lesser Black-backed Gull out the front this evening. There was a very nice sky scene from interesting cloud formations this evening. 

#starling #starlings #photography #england #uk #world #nature #earth #silver-washed fritillary #white admiral #butterfly #butterflies #blue tit #dark green fritillary #photos #walk #walking #trees #meadow #green #summer #wild parsnip #parsnip #valerian #west wood #happy #farley mount #sunday #common red soldier beetle #swollen-thighed beetle

[raxchel90]

Oh my sweet little angel, look at you, Oh I hope that your little mind can wrap itself around the fact that you are seeing someone from a couple of years ahead in time, I hope you understand the word ‘unfair’ because that is the only word I have to describe the deeds of time. My intention is not to corrupt you little girl. But, it is because of these unfair deeds that I am older, taller, weaker and pale than what you look like now my love. I had to come pay you a visit, it was inevitable sweet little girl of mine, I just couldn’t let you hang in here knowing time will rob you away painfully from me once again.

I hope that you won’t mind if I take a couple of your precious minutes to gather my thoughts and words. There’s just so much to tell you, so much that I miss, so much that I cannot still grasp.

Sweet little girl of mine, things have changed so much ever since I had to grow a bit taller and with every inch of hair that fell past my shoulder the way you always dreamt of, something inside of me just had to die a little by little, I am something you’ll never recognize now. Things are not as beautiful now as it was back then, life isn’t as sweet as your favorite roses out in the backyard in your secret little spot behind that huge tree. This happiness that beams through your eyes now in hopes of cherishing another new day of life should always be treasured. The way you walk around like sunshine on a rainy day, without your front teeth is what I never want you to stop doing. Oh yes, your teeth will grow back but what I ask from you is to never let the coldness of this world get to you and ruin those smiles, keep them much brighter and sweeter little girl of mine.

Sweetie, there’s going to be a lot of people that’ll come into your life as time passes by. You’ll come to notice that the people you trusted all along cannot really be trusted, you’ll come into a painful realization that the people you look upto are not as heroic as you thought of them to be; also you’ll see that sometimes the people you saw as ‘bad’ are actually the heroes in the biggest ever tragedy of time: life. Some will come and leave sooner than they arrived, sweetie they’re like the wind, I hope you don’t waste your precious time on chasing these kind of people. Then there comes some with bright smiles and nice words but only to take something or the other from you. When they know you give more than you take, they’ll make you their prey but, my love, I hope through kindness and grace that you’ll let go of these people and focus on yourself, to be stronger, braver and better.

Whatever you become, whatever you loose, whatever you gain, have to let go or forget, never forget that it is never too late to stand up on your own two feet, forget the rest darlin’, just forget them and keep on walking, as long as you’re moving forward, your pace won’t ever matter. People will always judge, they’ll always have something to say or disagree with. The only opinion that matters is yours. The way you feel about yourself is what the real deal is about.

Hun, there is strength in letting go, there is strength in doing what’s best for you. Enjoy the little things in life, grab as many flowers off the bushes on your way home, pet all the sweet animals you meet, you’ll realize that they are better and deserving of your passionate love than any human you’ll ever know.

Sometimes, you’ll feel as if though you are not enough for this cruel world, you’ll feel that you cannot keep up with the sudden changes of life and its people. Remember then, my darlin’ that there is a rare amount of kindness still remaining somewhere, if ever you feel that you cannot see or feel it, look into a mirror, that’s where it all lies if you ever think that kindness doesn’t exist, if its the last place of kindness left in this world, then let it be. Pass it onto someone whenever you can, they’ll not appreciate it maybe they’ll never even notice it but there will come a day for them to realize the grave mistake they made of not returning that same energy. They’ll pay in regrets bigger than their ego. And by that time you would have won! That my love, is the sort of happiness you need to seek.

Happiness, sweetie, does not lie in people or places but in what you do and say to make those places or people special, they are special as long as you give them that place in your heart, as long as you keep on feeding these places and people with memories, happiness will linger there. You are your own happiness, you get to decide how and why you will use it. Life is too short too postpone things, people and things will be here today and gone tomorrow. You’ll never know.

What I came all this way to tell you is that I’m sorry sweetie, I really am. I do remember all the things you wanted in life, the little pleasures and acts of kindness that you lived for. I still remember how you loved rain, I still do darlin’ I still do. The smell of wet soil still gets me excited. The pretty colors of the sky still make me so happy just like it made your little heart happy all those years ago. I still steal glances at all the dogs I come across, I still try my best to at least pat them once thinking that it’ll hurt their feelings if not. Sweetie I still love red and white roses but no one really knows. No one bothers to know me that way. No one knows of the way the sweet smell got the two of us excited. I still secretly collect wrappers and price tags to hold onto memories like you did, I still remember your little shoe box filled with little buttons, wrappers and stickers. If you ever feel that I’ve let go of you or that I’ve forgotten you, you’re wrong sweet little angel of mine. All these years I’ve hidden from you because I’ve been so ashamed to accept this new unhappy person I am. I’ve been ashamed of the scars and bruises that make me, me. Wherever I’ve gone, whomever I’ve met, I’ve always carried you in my heart, away from the cruelty of this place. I’ve kept these soft parts of you hidden for so long that today I’ve come running to you without any place or person to turn to. I couldn’t face you but here I am. I know that there’s life in your life unlike the deserted  space I have for a heart, you are innocent and I know that you’ll always forgive me. I love you, I love you with all my heart, I hope you’ll let me walk through these paths of life with your little hand in mine, I hope you’ll let me burrow a bit of sunshine from you little beaming soul to get through the rest of my years. 

Let me hold you tight and keep you safe from all the bad things life has planned for you. Let me give all this love in my heart to you. Accept it sweetie, let is heal all your little bruises on your knees and elbows for today onwards, with me around, those are the only bruises you’ll ever have. If you ever crumble down, I’ll hold you. I’ll keep you safe. Always. Till the end of eternity. 

I love you,

Yvonne.

01.03.2020    19:46

[mill3nniumforc3]

200: My crush’s name is: Russell :) 199: I was born in: April 1994 198: I am really: energetic 197: My cellphone company is: Verizon 196: My eye color is: hazel 195: My shoe size is: 7.5-8.5, depending on the shoe 194: My ring size is: 7.5 193: My height is: 5′5″ 192: I am allergic to: penicillin, cats, pollen, and strong scents 191: My 1st car was: I’ve never owned my own car. 190: My 1st job was: babysitting. First real job was a desk job at my university 189: Last book you read: I don’t remember. I don’t have time to read for leisure. 188: My bed is: comfy 187: My pet: Seamus the miniature schnauzer and Sugar the Aussie-mo 186: My best friend: Ashlyn 185: My favorite shampoo is: Dove 184: Xbox or ps3: neither 183: Piggy banks are: for kids and rainy days 182: In my pockets: nothing 181: On my calendar: going river tubing on Saturday, party next Saturday, trip for T’s birthday weekend, and possibly going to Kennywood and Kings Island sometime in August. 180: Marriage is: something for my future self 179: Spongebob can: do anything 178: My mom: is the bestest 177: The last three songs I bought were?: who buys music anymore? 176: Last YouTube video watched: probably an ASMR video 175: How many cousins do you have?: too many to count 174: Do you have any siblings?: three sisters 173: Are your parents divorced?: no 172: Are you taller than your mom?: yep 171: Do you play an instrument?: piano, drums, bells, and I know three chords of the guitar 170: What did you do yesterday?: sleep [ I Believe In ] 169: Love at first sight: sure 168: Luck: yes 167: Fate: maybe? 166: Yourself: depends on the day 165: Aliens: not really... 164: Heaven: yes 163: Hell: Do I believe in it? Yes, because God is just. Do I believe people are damned there? No, because God is loving. 162: God: yes 161: Horoscopes: no. It’s funny to see “horoscope” posts and see if they apply to me, but it’s a bunch of b.s. A bunch of Aries aren’t going to have the same day/month/year. That’s ridiculous. 160: Soul mates: I’m not sure if I do or don’t, but I do believe in love. 159: Ghosts: no 158: Gay Marriage: of course! 157: War: it’s an unfortunate and unnecessary part of life 156: Orbs: no 155: Magic: yes [ This or That ] 154: Hugs or Kisses: both 153: Drunk or High: drunk 152: Phone or Online: online 151: Red heads or Black haired: no comment 150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes 149: Hot or cold: hot 148: Summer or winter: summer 147: Autumn or Spring: spring 146: Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate 145: Night or Day: night 144: Oranges or Apples: apples 143: Curly or Straight hair: straight 142: McDonalds or Burger King: McD’s (though I’m probably biased because I work there) 141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: both 140: Mac or PC: PC 139: Flip flops or high heals: flip flops 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor 137: Coke or Pepsi: neither 136: Hillary or Obama: Obama 135: Burried or cremated: I want to be cremated and have my ashes buried with a seed and grow into a tree 134: Singing or Dancing: dancing 133: Coach or Chanel: neither 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: Kat 131: Small town or Big city: small town 130: Wal-Mart or Target: Target 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Ben 128: Manicure or Pedicure: mani 127: East Coast or West Coast: east coast 126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas. My birthday stopped being special after I turned 19. I get good food every year on Christmas. 125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate 124: Disney or Six Flags: Six Flags 123: Yankees or Red Sox: Indians [ Here’s What I Think About ] 122: War: What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. 121: George Bush: he had some good policies. Better than Trump, that’s for damn sure. 120: Gay Marriage: should never be illegal again. 119: The presidential election: #FuckTrump #VoteBlueNoMatterWho #ImpeachTheMF 118: Abortion: all my life, I was told to be pro-life. These days, I don’t know anymore, but I think my beliefs are closer to pro-choice than pro-life. 117: MySpace: it’s not 2008 anymore. 116: Reality TV: glad it’s not my life 115: Parents: they’re doing their best. I’m not looking to be one anytime soon though. 114: Back stabbers: bye! 113: Ebay: Amazon is better. 112: Facebook: these days, I use it to get laughs and memes. I don’t interact with people I know IRL much. 111: Work: good for the money. Not good for my mental health. 110: My Neighbors: they’re ok. 109: Gas Prices: #ThanksTrump 108: Designer Clothes: I can get good clothes at Target. The only “splurge” I do for clothes is at Spencer’s or Kohl’s. 107: College: I plan to go back soon. 106: Sports: entertaining. 105: My family: family is life. 104: The future: anything can happen [ Last time I ] 103: Hugged someone: Tuesday. 102: Last time you ate: a couple hours ago (chik’n patties and cheese) 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: last week. I saw a manager I hadn’t worked with in like a month. 100: Cried in front of someone: Monday 99: Went to a movie theater: July 2nd 98: Took a vacation: June 97: Swam in a pool: back in February 96: Changed a diaper: I don’t remember 95: Got my nails done: way too long ago 94: Went to a wedding: in April 93: Broke a bone: 2017 (broke my toe) 92: Got a piercing: 2006 91: Broke the law: never. I’m a good person. 90: Texted: three hours ago [ MISC ] 89: Who makes you laugh the most: Russell 88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my dog 87: The last movie I saw: in theatres, Toy Story 4. At home, Adventures in Babysitting. 86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: being off on Saturday 85: The thing im not looking forward to: working tomorrow 84: People call me: Vonnie, Vonn, Bonbon, Sophia, and “the girl” 83: The most difficult thing to do is: not cry while watching Grey’s Anatomy 82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: never 81: My zodiac sign is: Aries 80: The first person i talked to today was: my sister 79: First time you had a crush: kindergarten. His name was Wally, and we were “boyfriend and girlfriend” til about third grade, and we remained friends til we graduated 8th grade. Haven’t talked to him much since. 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: Russell 77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Sunday 76: Right now I am talking to: nobody because it’s 3:30am 75: What are you going to do when you grow up: I hope to be teaching English education 74: I have/will get a job: I currently work at McDonald’s, but within the next 6-12 months, I’ll be moving out of state, so who knows where I’ll work.  73: Tomorrow: work 72: Today: work 71: Next Summer: I’ll be in a whole new state, so that means new amusement parks to visit and rollies to ride. 70: Next Weekend: party. Oh, and next Saturday makes officially 18 months with me and Russell, so go us! 69: I have these pets: two dogs 68: The worst sound in the world: the beeping in the headset when I work back cash. It haunts my nightmares 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Heather because she sends me to back cash all the time 66: People that make you happy: Russell, my mom, my dogs, Ashlyn, and Aunt Dolly because she sends me lives on Candy Crush 65: Last time I cried: Monday 64: My friends are: Ashlyn, Mikayla, Jon, Rilee, Lamar, Tae, Alexus, Clare, Katie, Mario, and Kel 63: My computer is: all mine because I bought it with my own money 62: My School: not in school  61: My Car: don’t have one 60: I lose all respect for people who: lie 59: The movie I cried at was: Avengers: Endgame 58: Your hair color is: natural 57: TV shows you watch: Grey’s Anatomy, Once Upon a Time, House, The Simpsons, Bob’s Burgers, and... I don’t really watch TV because I don’t have cable. 56: Favorite web site: YouTube 55: Your dream vacation: Just a big coaster trip 54: The worst pain I was ever in was: my period this month. I had cramps for days leading up to my period that were so bad that, the day my period actually came, I couldn’t stand straight. 53: How do you like your steak cooked: I don’t eat steak 52: My room is: a mess, like my life 51: My favorite celebrity is: NPH 50: Where would you like to be: with my boyfriend 49: Do you want children: someday, but not today 48: Ever been in love: ohhh yes. 47: Who’s your best friend: not answering again 46: More guy friends or girl friends: i think i have a fair amount of both 45: One thing that makes you feel great is: this is tmi, but sex with my bf. 44: One person that you wish you could see right now: Russell 43: Do you have a 5 year plan: no 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: yes 41: Have you pre-named your children: I don’t have any definitive names, but I’m thinking MaryGrace Linda for a girl, and James Sebastian for a boy 40: Last person I got mad at: Anna because she put me on back cash 39: I would like to move to: someplace south 38: I wish I was a professional: dancer.... no, writer.... no, why not both? [ My Favorites ] 37: Candy: peanut butter cups 36: Vehicle: Jeep 35: President: FDR 34: State visited: North Carolina (not just saying that because I lived there for two months) 33: Cellphone provider: Verizon 32: Athlete: Trevor Bauer 31: Actor: Justin Chambers 30: Actress: Amy Poehler 29: Singer: Chester Bennington 28: Band: Linkin Park 27: Clothing store: Kohl’s 26: Grocery store: Marc’s 25: TV show: Grey’s Anatomy 24: Movie: 13 Going on 30 23: Website: Pogo 22: Animal: seal 21: Theme park: Cedar Point 20: Holiday: Christmas 19: Sport to watch: baseball 18: Sport to play: softball 17: Magazine: I only read magazines at the dentist office, and I’ll read whichever has an interesting cover story 16: Book: A Series of Unfortunate Events 15: Day of the week: Saturday, as long as I’m not at work. If I’m working, then Mondays, I guess... 14: Beach: Huntington 13: Concert attended: Winter Jam, because I got to see Skillet play, and I met Matthew West. 12: Thing to cook: desserts 11: Food: eggplant parm 10: Restaurant: Olive Garden 9: Radio station: Star 102 8: Yankee candle scent: vanilla 7: Perfume: I don’t wear perfume 6: Flower: Daisies 5: Color: pink 4: Talk show host: Ellen DeGeneres 3: Comedian: Steve Rannazzisi 2: Dog breed: I really like terriers lol 1: did you answer all these truthfully ?: For me to know and you to find out :)

#about me #bored #lol

[paulsolorzano]

12.31.18

Last day of the year. I’ll be working like an asshole. I need to innovate my way out of this. 

How long have I been saying that? 

I found some old goal sheets going through stuff yesterday: 

“Piano virtuoso” - I don’t even have a keyboard in the house to mess with. Haven’t played on anything since I was in Alaska. 

“Published writer” - ain’t done shit with that. Although I do love writing and of course it’s always on the list. Been working on lyrics one line at a time haha

So, it got me depressed to look at these things. But goddamn if it doesn’t have me inspired also. 

I hate being one of those ‘new year new me’ people but I just want to use the new year as a springboard to gain some momentum on what I already have going. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - we cool?

Sufjan Stevens - come on feel the Illinoise

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Coffee 

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.30.18

The pen has ahold of me. Before work, after work, and sometimes during work toward the end of the evening. I reckon I’m a certified weed head currently. 

What i did toward the business today:

Worked on the spam solicitation 

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

Worked on the spam solicitation 

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Fugazi - 13 songs 

Kate Bush - the sensual world 

Roots Manuva - slime and reason 

Ozma - spending time on the borderline 

Aloha - little windows cut right through 

Small black - best blues

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

“Singing is the same as talking; it’s just moving your voice up and down” - Tina Turner from STK 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.29.18

Bagged up some more random figs. I should get a booth going somewhere at this point. I have all these little lunchboxes filled with random shit I’ve accumulated. I’ll have to get little stickers for pricing.   

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Pentimento - s/t

Hot rod circuit - sorry about tomorrow 

Hot rod circuit - if I knew what I knew then 

Schatzi - death of the alphabet 

Roots Manuva - run come save me

Roots Manuva - awfully deep

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“If you sniff magic marker, your mind grows darker” - Schatzi 

“Waiting for pain to not be a constant” - Jeff Rosenstock 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.28.18

Bagged up some older Dragon Ball Z figs. Chilling at the space. 

Officially done 30lbs according to the scale this morning. 185 down from 215. All Keto diet. 180 will be here soon. And then... the 170s? Shit I don’t wanna get ahead of myself. Let’s get to 180 first. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Tiny moving parts - this couch is long & full of friendship 

Mitski - puberty 2

Hum - downward is heavenward

Sunny day real estate - diary

The Beatles - abbey road (just the b side)

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Dunkin donuts coffee  

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“When you’re old you’re just bummed that you’ll never be happy enough” - Jeff Rosenstock 

“I spent a long time down in the basement, instead of rolling with the riffraff” - PUP 

“Crack baby you don’t know what you want

But you know that you had it once 

And you know that you want it back” - Mitski 

“The way your headstone shines, I only wish that it was mine” - HUM

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.27.18

I’ve got some pain in my neck for the last two or probably three days. Probably from sleeping in a weird bed for the last few nights, maybe the stress from seeing Saul again (whether I relapse it or not?), and also from Axxxxx ending things again due to my past transgressions (this time involving her cousin; remind me to tell you the story)

I’ve been sleeping in weird beds for quite some time now. 

When will I feel at ease? 

When will I feel at home?

My brother and Saul have their homes. They’ve had that base for years. I’ve always been moving, albeit in Orlando, every couple of years. 

I’ve had a storage space in the same building since January 2012. So this place is basically my home haha. Also all my shit is here. So yes. 

My life in a cube. 

—-

Smoked flower before leaving the house today. Been on the pen the last few hours at my storage space. 

—-

I’m craving pizza. I haven’t really had a craving since I’ve started this diet, I think I’m just getting bored with eating the same shit. So it might be time to start improvising. 

I haven’t really had a taste for the green drinks either. Also I haven’t been to Walmart, and something keeps keeping me from going there.

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Falling in reverse - the drug in me is you

The Beatles - let it be

Jeff Rosenstock - we cool?

National skyline - live letter for the disenchantmented

Antarctigo Vespucci - love in the time of email 

Weezer - make believe 

Gungrave ost 

Trigun ost second donut happy pack 

Margot & the nuclear so and so’s - the dust of retreat 

Kanye west - the life of Pablo 

Neutral milk hotel - in the aeroplane over the sea

Mitski - puberty 2 

Mitski - Be the cowboy

Watching:

Star Wars episode VI

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

Aleppin Sane from a goddam fye for 11.fucking99 after discount! Wat!

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“I just wanna kiss your lips; the ones between your hips” - falling in reverse 

“I got so tired of discussing my future, I started avoiding the people I love” Jeff Rosenstock 

“My heart’s not yours just because you need it” - Antarctigo Vespucci 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.26.18

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Notable places visited:

Saul’s house day 2. I stayed Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day night there. First time I’ve been back there since I moved out there 

Listening to:

Macross 82-99

Aloha 

21 savage 

Reggie and the full effect 

The pixies 

Jeff Rosenstock 

Hiromi

Wednesday Campanella

The never ending 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

La Granja, with Saul Mayela and Danielito. First time I’d been there. It was pretty tasty. I wish I weren’t on a diet as I had to pass up rice and beans and maduros and yucca. I actually had a couple bites of the yucca but nothing crazy. 

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

M.a.s.k action figures off eBay 

Packages received: 

Hello kitty loot crate 

Robotech action figure

Buffy the vampire slayer ReAction figures: Spike, Buffy Summers

The Terminator ReAction figure: T-800

Assorted Kenner Ghostbusters action figures 

Jermaine Rogers Choices vinyl toy

Assorted Keith P Rein prints from his Patreon 

 eBay obsessions: 

Action figures, Kenner and Star Wars 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.25.18

Long fucking double at work (STK for reminder purposes)

Highlights: 

shitty amateur tables

A lady at my table cried because she was like the fifth wheel with family members. Crying about being 38 and single. And naturally I offered my services and got her phone number so we are probably gonna link up before she leaves

—-

Also, once again Axxxxx hates me. It sucks because things were going really nicely. She found out that I was messaging her cousin Naomi. She found this out from her cousin Naomi. I’ll go into more detail later  

To discuss still: 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“My body’s built for bad behavior” Reggie and the full effect 

“You smell bullshit from twenty paces” Reggie and the full effect 

“She was everything, and now everything’s gone” Reggie and the full effect 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

11.24.18

To discuss still: 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Wednesday Campenella - Galapagos

Van Halen - jump, from 1984

Aloha - little windows cut right through 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot 

Wheat grass juice powder 

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.23.18

I may have to listen to Jimmy Eat World clarity because of today’s date. Also, Travis Schmeisser’s bday is today. 

—

Spent some time at the space. Took pics of the rest of the records I found at the vinyl garage sale at BAMF 

Been trying to hang with my girl Genesis the whole weekend. She was gonna stay last night but didn’t. Tonite is also supposed to happen, but now I’m gonna meet up with Axxxxx as, she always takes precedence haha. And she’ll be done early because she has to wake up early. 

And Genesis is flaky, but she seems to want to.  

—-

Hung out with Axxxxx fur a good chunk of time. We went to our usual rounds: goodwill, Walmart, Ross, DD, Plato’s closet. We had some good laughs and she even touched me when joking. She hasn’t really been like that since we started hanging again. 

I wonder what it means. Is she opening back up to me? Shall we continue down this road? 

She wants to go to Disney on Wednesday or Thursday when I’m off. I’m down always to spend some time with her.

To discuss still: 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Jimmy Eat World - Clarity

The pixies - surfer Rosa 

Frank n dank - 48 hours 

Aloha - little windows cut right through 

Watching:

DaThings1 YouTube poops

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

Ghostbusters Kenner vintage action figures 

Star Wars Power if the force (potf) card backs 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“What comes easy never stays” - your new aesthetic by Jimmy Eat World 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.22.18

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Notable places visited:

BAMF - my toy store that I recently discovered; went there today because they were having a vinyl record garage sale. 

Listening to:

Sense Field - Tonite and Forever

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

PUP - the dream Is over

Deadmau5 - random album title 

NOFX - punk in drublic

Pocahontas soundtrack  

Giorgio Moroder - metropolis soundtrack 

Aloha - little windows cut right through 

Bjork - telegram 

Slow dancing society - my blue heaven

Watching:

DaThings1 YouTube poops

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

Vinyl record find from BAMF vinyl garage sale

J Dilla / Frank n dank - 48 hours instrumentals

Piebald - accidental gentleman

Piebald - all eyes all ears all the time 

Beatles - white album early 70s apple press 

Giorgio Moroder - Metropolis soundtrack

An assortment of toys including a broken Nakanari Spiki

Ghostbusters vintage Kenner figures 

Vintage Robotech Macross figure 

Star Wars hologram Darth Vader figure

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“What I love most about rivers is, you can’t step in the same river twice, the waters always changing always flowing” - just around the river bend from Pocahontas 

“Cause i’m a weed connoisseur, smoke the weed du jour, you might yak up a lung  if the weed is pure” - Frank n Dank

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.21.18

Traffic. Fuck the traffic. 

I turned in the Altima today. I’m going to use Tina Watkins’ car until she comes back from out of town. Which will be Jan 2 I believe. I miss the car. It was nice. Pretty much made it my own for the time I had it. Probably like two months. 

Work was slow. 

This Walmart is damn full of people. They actually have multiple lanes open. This is at 12 am mind you. 

To discuss still: 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.20.18

The rental car has been draining my funds; Tina Watkins is out of town for a couple weeks and left her car, so I just worked out a deal with her to use the car until then. 

Your boy needs to get a vehicle. I’m planning on getting one with my income tax return for sure. 

—-

“The death of Santiago”

My uncle died today. Saul’s brother.  

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.19.18

Waiting in line at my P.O. Box post office. Apparently I have a windfall of packages being held back there. Which isn’t too uncommon but it says there’s something too big for the box. Which everything is too big for the box, that’s why they have the lockers. 

This is amateur month at the postal service for sure. Christmas and the holidays and all that. People packing things while they’re IN LINE. Shit is blasphemy haha. People grabbing random tape and using it putting it back. 

I have to pee. Should’ve gone before getting in this line. 

Work later. I’ve had a few days off and I don’t particularly want to get back in the groove, but your boy needs monies.  

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Hobo Johnson - the rise of hobo Johnson 

Some Stevie wonder / Beethoven mashup YouTube vid Frank sent me

Alton Ellis & the flames - mr. soul of Jamaica 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.18.18

My sister sent me a snap asking when I was coming to Bradenton for Christmas. I have to respond. 

She’s going through a divorce. Well she’s at the end of it. She’s ok, so no worries. She didn’t want to get married in the first place. 

I just texted her ex husband Ryan. I’ve always liked the kid. 

Long story short the divorce is probably gonna work out for my mother in terms of her health because now the three grandchildren won’t be there half the week. 

Ryan wrote back. He’s ok, and appreciative I wrote. Well good. 

—

So, once again the universe works in interesting ways. I decided to take the scenic route to my space from my P.O. Box; I wanted to drive by where the old studio apartment I used to live (c. 2004) in was. It’s since become a 4 unit rental property. But I wanted to drive by it for the nostalgia. 

So I get to where it is, and one house over, on the corner house, I see the Sushi and Seoul on a Roll sushi truck parked in the driveway. 

This truck is own by one Alfred Ruiz, also known to me and Aaron Tobin as our ex best friend and one time bandmate. 

A rush of blood came over me. Perpetuated by the fact that as I drove by, Al himself walked out of the house and popped into the truck, presumable with some provisions in tow under his arm. 

I drove on by. 

Halfway up the road I said to myself, fuck it, I’m going to go back and say hey to him. So I threw the Altima in reverse and rolled back. 

The was still in the truck so I honked twice and came the popped out. 

I’ll say that he and I haven’t spoken in years. Properly anyway. 

So I basically made my peace with him. I’ll have to tell you the backstory at some point. I’ll add it to the list. 

I told him if the ever wanted to open a dialog that I as open to it. 

I know I really shocked the shit out of him showing up randomly. 

Sorry to have sprung that on him but damn, to randomly drive by a place, and then for a landmark (the food truck) to say hey, here’s your boy occupying the same space you have earlier in time, and further, for him to be walking out as I was drying by… I had to stop. I felt compelled. 

—

And I spoke to Aaron Tobin today. He hit me up on the phone earlier and we chatted, but the got interrupted by a phone call. I called back but no answer. I told him I was just gonna come over if the kept acting like this, and I did. 

Showed up to the house and he was just getting out of the shower. I chatted with his mom for awhile, let her know I’m thinking about cutting my hair, and i’ll have to get back to her on a day I’m free. 

So we went on our normal rounds: Starbucks, and Walmart. I was messaging with Axxxxx all the while, and it was at this point that she took the time to mention that I drink too much coffee. I can easily confirm that, especially the last two days where I havent been eating much of anything until the later hours in the day, and as sci have been feeling the effects of too much caffeine on an empty stomach. it just gives me an all over general icky feeling.

So Tobin. he’s been seeing a girl, as it turns out. Now he mentioned this a few weeks back, that he was going on a date with someone. This is still the same someone. Ashley is her name. 

Story here is that it seems to have been little hot and heavy between them, which I can support this for him because its been a hot minute since he’s had some nice chemistry with a girl.  

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Hard Girls - floating now 

Jay Z - 4:44

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Macross new action figure from GameStop. Togo. Was with me

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“What’s the point of having a voice when it gets sick inside your throat?” - Jeff Rosenstock

“I’m a Dutch landscape painter painting pictures of the hillside in the eighteenth century where I was wishing I was living so I wouldn’t have to face all of the things I’m trying to ruin” - Katie Ellen 

Quote of the day: 

“Heyy hope the grind isn’t brutal. Hope the workers aren’t annoying or dramatic. Hope you’re not in the truck. And I hope that they started allowing headphones so you can tune out the world while you’re there” - me

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.17.18

To discuss still: 

Rachel getting a divorce

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

The world is a beautiful place & I am no longer afraid to die - harmlessness

American Football - lp2

Lifted bells - minor tantrums 

Blue oyster cult - Spectres 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Born as a data mine for targeted marketing, and no one will listen up until you become a hashtag or a meme” - Jeff Rosenstock 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.16.18

Interesting day. Currently at a Christmas get together at this girl I’ve been mentioning Sxxxxxxxx house. 

—

Before that I was with Axxxxx. She hit me up today while she was at work and wanted to hang afterward. She was initially going to get food with her friends from work or some other, but she ended up linking up with me directly after work to get food. She doesn’t have to put on a game face she said, or something along that line. 

She and I chatted. We met at a steak and shake off Semoran and then went to a Chinese buffet which was horrible, we both agreed on that. 

We chatted and smoked in my car afterward. She doesn’t know what to make of her feelings. I can respect that. We have a history and while she says she currently hates me, we seem to be getting along when we do meet up. 

—-

5:30 am and driving home from Winter Garden to Altamonte Springs. I ended up getting Starbucks because it was so damn late/early that they’re open. Made it all the way home from Winter Garden, late as shit. 

6:40 am and I have FFXIV up and running. 

Also Tina is gone as of today, out of town to Ohio until a couple weeks go by. 

To discuss still: 

Rachel getting a divorce

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Notable places visited:

Sxxxxxxxx house for a Christmas get together. 

Listening to:

National Skyline - love letters for the disenchanted

Hum - downwards heavenward

Eagle Scout - new hands 

Black belt Eagle Scout - mother of my children 

Kanye west - the life of Pablo 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Vintage star wars figures:

Leia

Logray 

Teebo

ReAction Buffy the vampire slayer toys 

Breaking bad Walter white figure 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.15.18

Finally got down to 189 lbs! This is a milestone getting down into the 180s. Brilliant. Nice progress son. 

—-

Remind me to tell you about what Sxxxxxxxx wants to do with her remains. 

Cremated 

Ashes imbued into art to be viewed by people on lsd/shrooms etc

To discuss still: 

Rachel getting a divorce

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“I’m like a magnet pulling the storm,

Where can I move when it always finds me?” - Jeff Rosenstock 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.14.18 

Randomly encountered Sxxxxxxxx from work over in my current hood, Altamonte. She was at some Christmas party as a plus one. She was having a great time as indicated by her snaps, until she wasn’t. 

And then she called me. 

Her tears spilled into my lap through her phone. She went in to her woes. 

To be continued mañana. Your boy is falling asleep.  

Remind me to tell you about the dope sick lady and Sxxxxxxxx dying wishes. 

To discuss still: 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Action figures 

Lyric of the day:

“Hope is a scheme” - Jeff Rosenstock 

“As much as I definitely enjoy solitudes, I wouldn’t perhaps mind spending a little time with you” - Bjork 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.13.18

So Axxxxx messaged me earlier in the afternoon, chatting about this and that. She had been crying and hysterical about the loss of our child (refer to the Alaska diary)

Long story short we are now meeting for a late lunch at her behest. Again I don’t know what to expect. She says she hates me but I feel like she says it to try and remind herself that she does. But I don’t think she has it in her heart to harbor such feelings, not on any permanent basis. 

I mean listen, the last time she wrote me and we met, she said she was tired of having the hate. 

—

So we hung out for a good seven hours. 

To discuss still: 

Rachel getting a divorce

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“ I haven’t felt quite like myself, for months on end, I spend more nights on the floor than in my own bed. And I never see my family or friends anymore,  and I write more apologies than metaphors” - PUP 

“You know I’ve never been good at anything, except for fucking Up and ruining everything” - PUP 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.12.18

Met with frank yesterday. Always a good chat. He is coming around finally to the idea of getting me caught up with music. Also we are going to work on him getting more success with Tokyo Elvis. Meaning, were gonna work on the marketing aspect etc. 

—

On a wild goose chase to get weed for Tina and Gxxxxx.  And some for myself because why not I guess. Even tho I like wax and oil. 

So the short story on my mother have g a heart attack is that it was very mild. She thought that she was having pain related to a gallbladder issue she was having. 

I don’t want to say that our sister Jessica was a contributing factor to our mothers deteriorating health but, it’s got to be. 

My mother worries about my sister because she’s burned all bridges and lives on the streets mostly. 

—-

I need to get back on grinding. The somm course took up my time and energy this past month. I was a little anxious but overcame. 

Now I need to focus 

—

I think your body knows when you like someone when your dick gets hard while you’re on the phone with em. 

Befriended a kid at a smoke shop, whilst buying a grinder. It came up that I worked at STK and the was like, ‘you must know Yaqeen’ and I just had a smile come over me. 

That mofo knows everyone. 

To discuss still: 

Mother had a heart attack

Rachel getting a divorce

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Getting back into FFXIV 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

American Football - LP3 pre release track

American Football - LP2

Jeff Rosenstock - we cool?

PUP - PUP 

ALL - problematic 

Voodoo glow skulls - symbolic

Tash Sultana  - notion 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV baby

Purchases:

An ounce of weed for $180, to be divided up amongst me and Tina and Gxxxxx 

A legit pink grinder that Axxxxx would be proud and jealous of 

Good Fuck pre order (a Tim Kinsella project)

Robotech Macross loose figure 

Nightmare before Christmas pumpkin king figure 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“I live in a two way mirror, I am backwards, you are forward” - birthmark 

“And I dreamt of you in Montreal, in places I’ve never been before” - PUP 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.11.18

To discuss still: 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

American Football LP3 records and tape and shirt

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Name one genius that ain’t crazy” - Kanye 

“Steve Jobs mixed with Steve Austin” - Kanye 

“Crazy were the words that scribbled out your mouth” - coheed and Cambria 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.10.18

Coffee. Traffic. Dying to get my weight down in the 180’s. Old woman liberally using the word ‘fuck’ in my storage space. 

—

This guy at the outback bar said said to the woman bartender  ‘whenever you get a dull moment I’ll take the check’; I enjoyed that phrase. 

—

Just chipped off part of what I believe (and hope) is my back right bottom wood tooth. Around 7:15 pm at the Outback Steakhouse by the Orlando airport. Eating a wedge salad. Must’ve been a piece of bacon. 

—

And the night continues to get interesting. Just hung with Gxxxxx for a bit... and I must say it was an interesting turn of events. 

How about the bullet points:

She’s done with her husband (honestly the short story is she done been done)

She wants to bang me

We are going to meet tomorrow 

I was bringing her some weed earlier tonite and she comes out and grabs me and kisses me on the mouth. We go to the car (my rented Nissan Altima) and chat. She catches me up on the whole thing. The short story here is that right before she got cancer (she’s done with it now, all healed up) she was on her way out of the relationship anyway. She told me that as it was happening. 

She is apparently really fucking into me. Now she and I have always had more than just friendship between us. And it’s pretty much been understood that we were going to bang at some point. 

That being said it’s going on ten years. 

This is going to be interesting how this plays out. She wants to steal me away from Tina as a roommate, which I am on board with. 

To discuss still: 

Mother had a heart attack

Rachel getting a divorce

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Chris Farren - can’t die 

Small brown bike - fell & found 

Small brown bike - the river bed

Kanye West - the life of Pablo 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot 

Wheat grass juice powder 

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/lemon juice/stevia drink 

Ribeye from outback steakhouse. Lots of meat this week haha. Wedge salad extra crumbles and dressing. 

Clear American ice cherry lemonade 

Playing:

Purchases:

ReAction toys: 

Predator

Terminator 2 John Connor

Terminator 2 t-800

Terminator 2 t-1000

Firefly: Zoe, Jayne, kaylee 

Firefly Washburn

Robotech Dana sterling action figure 

Edward Scissorhands weird Japanese figure, Hobby Base Yellow Submarine toy company 

Charles Band’s puppet master ‘blade’ toy. Another weird company called Full Moon collectibles 

Also, I didn’t really ‘purchase’ it, but I got a iPhone XR on lease with option to buy. Upgradable any time I want. Got the red one. 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Action figures 

Lyric of the day:

“ you are the ocean, I am the sea; what drowns in you will float in me” Small Brown Bike

“I know there’s bitches you wish you could unfollow,

I know there’s niggas you wish you could unswallow” - Kanye 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

12.09.18

Starbucks. Ribeyes. Storage space. Habits. 

Sorting through the space a little. I need to make some room for the giant Game Cube display my brother  is bringing up 

To discuss still: 

Mother had a heart attack

Rachel getting a divorce

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Gwen Stefani - love angel music baby 

Jeff Rosenstock - I look like shit 

My chill mix

Fake problems - real ghosts caught on tape 

Antarctigo Vespucci - soulmate stuff 

Antarctigo Vespucci - love in the time of email 

Kanye west - life of Pablo 

Kanye west - graduation 

Watching:

Somm on Netflix 

Reading: 

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot

Wheat grass juice powder 

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/lemon juice/stevia drink 

Outback ribeye and wedge salad and green beans 

Playing:

Purchases:

Final Fantasy crystal chronicles, Japanese version for Game Cube 

Squid head - vintage Star Wars

Packages received: 

No post on Sunday 

But I opened these:

Devil boy by Iconoclast

 eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

[nightcourtstarlight]

Garden Dancing part 2

Well, its been about 87 years since the fisrt part came out. sorry about that, school has been kicking my ass its been a rough time. But it here! FINALLY! and i’m happy to share it with you all! 

Oh and by the way, there will be atleast 5 more parts ( whoopie) and yes they are drafted and ya know.. they exist. 

Welp I dont know how good this part is but I’ll let you get to it!

Read the first part here on Ao3

@rosehallshadowsinger @daycourtsunlight

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

I listened as Feyre laughed brightly at something Cassian said. Rhys sat next to her, an arm draped around the back of the chair. They were the epitome of happiness, it radiated and glowed in the midday sun.

We were all gathered in the backyard of the new manor. Nesta and Cassian chatted quietly now. You could see what their conversation was about even if you couldn't hear the words telling by the way Cassian's lips brushed her ear ever so slightly and a red blush rose on nestas cheeks. I took note of how their fingers were tightly intertwined as they went back and forth in their discussion.

I sighed and looked away. So this was it. I'd finally become the third wheel. Not even Mor of Amren could keep me entertained, for they had gone to the summer court to see Varian. Who would have thought Amren would fall in love, though the last time one of us had pointed it out she promised to rip out our tongues. I shivered at the thought. Varian deserves a medal for being brave enough to pursue her.

Since both of my sisters had long forgotten about the conversation we were having I decided id take a walk through the very large garden. I discreetly stood and made my way to the rose garden. The sun streamed through the leaves of the tree overhead and warmed my skin. I let my fingers flutter over the soft rose petals as I wandered, lost in thought.

I wonder where Azriel is. Perhaps he was on a mission. Now that I think about it I haven't seen him in a few days. I hope he's ok. I chuckle to myself. That's silly, of course, he's fine. He's the shadow singer. SpyMaster of the night court.

I pluck a flower off of the bush and behind picking off the petals.

I wonder if he's eaten yet.

Just then I feel my muscles coil and tighten. My vision changes from me looking at the rose hudge to light filtering through wings and powder on a marble surface.

Just as quickly as it comes, I'm thrown back into reality. The flower drops out of my hand as I slump back on the bench. My head pounds with a dull ache.  

I don't even notice the shadows around me grow and stretch as I rub at my eyes, willing myself to make sense of the scene that just unfolded. Suddenly something starts blocking the sun. I look up, dazed, to see Azriel towering over me.

His arms were crossed and his wings were stretched out wide, blocking the sun.

My vision… I thought as I watched the sunlight illuminate every vain and tendon. Azriels eyes flicked over me from head to toe

“Are you ok, Elain?” Az unfolded his arms and slid onto the bench next to me. I sighed and laid my head on his shoulder. One arm came up to brush the hair out of my face while the other pulled me closer to him.

“It was a vision,” I murmured, letting his cool rainy forest scent soothe me.

“What about?” his fingers rubbed mall circles on my back.

"I saw wings, and I think-” I sighed feeling another dull throb pound through my head. At least it's getting better “ I think they were yours,”

“I see,” Az mumbled.

“How did you now?”

“My shadows tell me things. I like to keep tabs on important things and people,” Hi voice was smooth and deep as silk.

“I’m important?”

“Of course. Your my high lady’s sister,”

I tried not to feel the stab of pain in my heart at that. I wish he saw me as someone more than just the High Lady's sister because I see him as so much more than just the Spymaster of the night court.

“And you're my friend,” Warmth spread through my body at that. If friendship was all he was willing to give then I would take it, and cherish it for as long as I am able to.

“Where were you?” I asked

“So many questions today Love,”

“Well, you left me to sit between Feyre and Rhys blatant touching and Cassian and Nestas sexual tension,”

I was delightfully rewarded with a deep chuckle.

“I was meeting with some of my operatives,”

“I forgot you have your own people that work with you,”

“Good, that's the point,” he quipped. I could hear the amusement in his voice

I whacked him on the chest  “ Hey!” I squeaked. I couldn't help but smile though, he was just so charming.

“You're probably hungry, let's go find you something to eat,” He stood and pulled me to my feet. I looped my arm through him as he leads us through the garden. The sun was now lower in the sky. Sunset was probably only a few hours away. I listened to the bumbling rush of the Sidra as we walked. Honestly, I was surprised it didn’t cut right through the garden.

I peeked up at Azriel, taking note of his relaxed expression. Usually, he always had a slight frown on his full plump lips, but today he looked at ease.

“You’re staring," he chuckled

“ Am not! I-I just noticed how peaceful you look,” I trailed off, praying he wouldn’t see the blush on my cheeks.

“You’re very easy to be around,”

“Thank you. You are too,”

We finally made it out of the rose grove and swiftly walked past the couples.

“I might blind myself if I have to see their touching one more time," Azriel muttered so low I almost didn’t catch it. I laughed and bumped my shoulder into his.  

“Az!”

I swear a tinge of red color his cheeks, but he merely shrugged as we slipped into the kitchen.

Az walked over to the pantry and pulled the doors open wide. I heard him rummaging as I came to stand by the sink.

“What do you want to eat?” he asked

“Perhaps we can make summer corn chowder. I know Nuala just bought fresh tomatoes.”

“That sounds lovely,”

We began gathering ingredients. Az found spices while I gathered corn, tomatoes and other things to make the soup. We made quick work of putting the ingredients together. I watched, spellbound, as he chops the vegetables. The way the knife glides in his hands with ease. The flex of his wrist and furrow of his brow as he concentrates. My cheeks catch on fire as his gaze flickers up to mine and lingers for a moment before dropping back down to the counter. Luckily he doesn’t say anything, but a small smirk does play on his lips.

I hum and turn back to the stove. The soup bubbles and releases a heavenly scent as I slowly stir it. I feel my stomach rumble and idly think that I hadn't realized how hungry I was. When was the last time I ate today anyway? I had a pastry and tea with Nula this morning. She had come over for brunch and I was slightly surprised Cerridwen wasn't with her. "Duty calls" was all Nuala offered when I had asked. I took that as a sign not to push. Perhaps it was a mission for Azriel, and best to know less about it.

I startled out of my thoughts as Azriel reaches his long, solid arms around me to dump the chopped peppers and tomatoes into the pot. His scent wraps around me and I bite my cheek to keep from breathing it in. Azriel moves away and comes to lean against the counter, popping a chunk of tomato in his mouth as he does so.

“When's the last time you ate today Azriel?” I stammered, reaching for anything to fill the silence. Usually, I had no problem sitting in that comfortable silence with Azriel. It was always a kind of content comfort with him, to just know that you didn't need to continuously fill the gaps in conversation. That it was ok to just… drift.

But with the way Azriel had his curious inquisitive face on, ( it all showed in his swirling hazel eyes), I found myself a bit more nervous to just let him blurt out whatever he was bound to say. This had been the first thing that came to my mind.

He considered it for a moment, chewing on a piece of pepper thoughtfully this time before saying. “ I had an apple for breakfast”

“An apple? That’s it?” I frowned a turned to him. I should have suspected, with the way he had to think about it. He merely nodded and started munching on an apple that was in a fruit bowl on the counter. That also explains the snacking. “Az you need to eat more than just an apple! Look at you, you’re as big as a barn!”

Another smirk played on his lips as I reprimanded “Stop snacking Az. You'll ruin your appetite!” he released an easy chuckle and finished off the apple, chucking the core in the compost bin. I sighed and turned back to the soup. It was nearly done thankfully. I gave it a few turns as I asked: “Why don’t you eat often Azriel?”

“I eat often,”

I laminated a stare at him. He bit his lip and mumbled, “Ok maybe not as much as I should but I do...”

“Why?”

“Cassian used to do the cooking, but he stopped because I'm too picky of an eater. I've been managing though,” He looked so bashful as he said it. I willed a wall of ice to form over my heart like Nesta. Az is my friend and nothing more, but despite my best efforts, his sincere shyness seemed to melt through it anyway.

“Hmm,”  I hummed and walked over to the cabinet where the bowls were kept. I flick open the door and just as I start reaching up on the tips of my toes, Az’s shadow laced hand reaches up and grabbed the bowls.

“Thanks,” I smile up at him, but try not to linger. After moving back to the stove I quickly pour him a bowl of soup and slice off a piece of bread to go along with it.

I set it on the counter and push it towards him “Eat Azriel,” I say.

His eyes flicker from my face to the bowl, back to my face, back to the bowl again before he slowly picked up the spoon and took a bite.

Satisfied, Elain got to work making sandwiches to go with the soup. No one can just have soup for lunch and not grow hungry within the hour, she thought as she sliced another tomato. She then pulled sliced turkey breast and cheese from the icebox and bread from the bread box.

“How do you like your sandwich?” she asked

“You don't have to, I’m pic-,”

“It's really no problem Az," She interrupted smoothly.

Azriel pressed his lips together into a hard line before he sighed and murmured a few directions. “Can you put mayo on one slice of bread and Mustard on the other?” Elain beamed and started spreading the condiments. Then he spoke “Two lettuce leaves on the mayo side please and then a thick slice of tomato,”

Elain felt her lips quirk as he ground out his order as if asking for a simple sandwich made the way he likes it brings him physical pain. He then bashfully instructed her to put a healthy slice of cheddar on top of the tomato.

When Az’s uncomfortable shuffling finally fell silent she looked up just as she was about to put a slice of turkey on to top it off.

“Anything else Az?” she asked. She watched, bemused as he gnawed on his bottom lip, yes actually chewing it off, before he sighed and said “I actually prefer ham,”

“ Ok, that's fine!” Elain trilled as she walked over to the ice box and swapped the turkey for sliced ham. Now that she thought about it, she probably should have asked what meat Azriel wanted in the first place instead of just grabbing turkey.

Elain finally returned to the counter and finished assembling the sandwich. She put it on a plate and added another bowl of soup just to be safe and slid it across the counter. Az looked down at the plate and then back up.

“Az! Stop looking guilty and just eat it before I do!” A small smile flickered across his face and his shoulder relaxed an inch as he finally took a bite of the sandwich. He released a low hum that for a moment sounded like something… very different.... His eye flickered shut for a moment and he finished chewed and swallowed. In no time Elain assembled her own and took up a spot next to Azriel. When they finally flickered back open his gaze locked with her own.

“Good?”

“Perfect!” and the smile he had on his face could have lit up any darkness. The night sky its self.

Then we ate in silence for a few moments. Azriel ate his sandwich in record time.  There wasn't a crumb left. By the time I had finished my own he was polishing off his second bowl of soup.

“Az eating is important, everyone needs to do it, Fae or not,”

“I know,”

"I could”I trailed off, gathering my courage," I could help you. I wouldn't mind making your lunch or breakfast,” I peeked at him from the corner of my eye and saw he was staring at me with a look I couldn't place. Wonder, confusion, curiosity?

“I couldn't ask that of you Elain,”

“You don't have to. It would make me feel better to know you're eating right,”

“You really don't have to-,”

“Az,” I drawled as he scooped up our empty bowls and plates and put them in the sink

He sighed and turned back to face me. His eyes were bright but his bottom lip was caught between his white teeth. “If you feel you must you can, but just remember I don't expect you to make my meals. I can take care of myself Elain,”

“I know that,” I said gently and came to stand next to him by the sink. I picked up a towel and began drying the dishes he had washed. We finished in silence and I passed him the towel to dry his hands on. His hair fell into his eyes as he swiped the cloth over his intricately scared hands. I heart speed up as I gazed at him. He was by far the most handsome male I'd ever seen, from his scars to his cool indifferent looks. My heart started to pound as I leaned up on the tips of my toes and pressed a butterfly's kiss to his tan cheek.

“It's my pleasure Azriel, thank you for allowing me to help you like how you help me every day,” I whispered. He was still as stone as I stepped away and walked out of the kitchen. My cheeks burned as I grabbed my cloak and swung it over my shoulders, eager to leave before my legs gave out.

It's ok, I thought. Friends are allowed to gives kisses on the cheek. It wasn't like it was long. Merely a brush of the lips! A show of endearment.

Why was her heart beating like a hummingbird's wings then?

Az was frozen by the sink, where Elain had left him. The sensation of her lips pressed against his skin still ghosted his cheek with warmth. His hands balled into fists and he struggled to regain my thoughts.

Elain is my friend. It was a friendly kiss on the cheek, and nothing more. It would be improper to of him to think of it as anything more than that. And worst for him to think of it for longer than this moment, Azriel thought as he started putting the dishes away.

Yes, he would just forget about it. It was safer that way. Elain was his kind and noble friend.

Yet... he couldn't help but wish there could be something more...

No! He shook his head at that and kicked a cabinet closed. Elain had a mate and... he was ... he was him. Scared and bruised and broken with too many years trapped in darkness. How could he ever put that on Elain? shed already been through so much and didn't deserve to be weighed down with him.

He should just be content with the fact that she allowed him to be her friend, he thought with dismay.

Azriel had just finished putting away the dished when Rhysand and Cassian barged into the kitchen with a loud clatter.

"This is why we can't have nice things in this house," Azriel sighed and walked over to righting the picture frame they had knocked over.

"Why are you brooding Az? It's not even 5 o'clock yet, too early for brooding," Cassian quipped as he went to the icebox. He was obviously drunk as a sailor.

"Why are you Drunk Cassian? It's not even 5 o'clock," Azriel ground out, throwing the words back into his face. His shadows swirled around him as his mood worsened. I wasn't in the mood to deal with his drunk, idiot brothers.

Rhys and Cassian shared a look before Rhysand murmured into his cup "Is it Elain?"

Azriel ground his teeth together, feeling his wings flare a bit at the mention of the exact subject of his thoughts. "No"

"Right," Cassian said, who had returned from the icebox with a new bottle of wine. " Try not to brood too much az, she's crazy about you,"He said and disappeared out the door with Rhys following behind.

Azriel heaved and aggravated sigh before flexing his wings and disappearing into the shadows, eager to get away from his annoyingly intrusive brothers.

_Elain_

The next morning I awoke a bit earlier than usual and got dressed. Azriel is probably already awake, I thought as I looked through my cabinets for something suitable to make. After a bit of contemplation and a large mug of blueberry green tea, I decided on a classic that I knew Azriel liked. On the odd occasion that we all had breakfast together like after Starfall or on Feyre’s birthday, he would order 3 fried eggs, toast, and fried ham.

Getting to Azreils house was simple enough. He had told me the address the night he had taken me out for dinner. I strode up to his dark wood front door with my cloth covered basket and knocked.

There was silence for a moment before footsteps pounded towards the door and it swung open on silent hinges.

Azriel filled the entire threshold, dressed in a grey training tunic and leather training pants. His hair fell into his eyes, still wet from a shower. I hadn't realized I was starting until he blinked at me and ushered me inside with a soft come in.

“Just get done training?”

“Yes but I,” he rubbed the back of his neck “I hadn't expected you so soon,”

His house was minimally but nicely decorated. The walls were a pale grey and he had a painting probably made by Feyre of a cliff overlooking an ocean on the far wall. He had a couch and two white chars over an eggshell white rug. It was lovely.

“You must be hungry,” I said and turned back to him. His lips quirked in the lightest of smiles

“A bit,” he took the basket from me and started walking towards the kitchen. When he saw I hadn't followed he turned back to me with a curious look.

“Oh uh, I really should be going. I was just going to drop it off-,”

In two stride he was in front of me again. His beautify hand gently circled my wrist and pulled me forward. “Eat with me Elain, please. I wouldn't feel right just taking it,”

My stubborn front crumbled like a cracker and I finally allowed him to lead me to the kitchen. It was also simple, with grey-black marble countertops and white cabinets. He pulled out my chair for me to sit and began unpacking the food. He then grabbed some plates and forks.

We ate in near silence, only parted but the occasional question I asked or he asked. It was a comfortable silence that I could only share with Azriel.

We were washing the dishes together when a clock’s bell somewhere in the house struck out noon.

“Oh, it’s late! I’m sorry Az I have to go. Nesta wants me to go with her to the Library under the House of Wind,” I folded the navy towel I was holding and placed it by the sink. Azriel nodded and lead me back to the front door with a hand on the small of my back “I had a lovely time with you, but I always do,” I said with a wink as I pulled my cloak over my shoulders. Azriel leaned against the door frame with a content smile.

“As did I and the food was delicious by the way,”

“Thank you,” I smiled at him, feeling a blush rise to my cheeks. I cursed myself on the inside, stop blushing every time Azriel pays you a compliment! Azriel opened his mouth to say something and then closed it. He rightened himself and rubbed the back of his neck, letting his mouth open and close with unsaid words again.

Eventually, he settled on “Goodbye Elain,”

I felt myself deflate with that. What had he been trying to say? I nodded and let my eyes drop to look at the basket in my hands. “Goodbye Azriel,” I said with a small smile and finally swept down the stone path and out into the noonday sun.

.Thanks for reading!

#Azriel #elriel #elain archeron #elain x azriel #cooking #Feysand #nessian #cassian #nesta archeron #feyre #feyre archeron #rhysand #the inner circle #truthteller

[esmiblood90irisglimmer]

The Black Swan Curse (Jeffmads)

For my good friend @bihamilove who needs cheering up

Madison POV

You may think all the fantasy and the fairy tale stories were nothing more than a myth. Childhood stories that would make us dreams of a special world filled with nothing but happiness. All the witches, warlock, and other mythical that everyone debate whether they’re or not. Well, I knew for a fact that all the mythical mention in many fiction novels are all real. How would I know well, let’s just say that when I was four years old. An elderly couple stop by our house during the harsh thunderstorm back then, they only asked for shelter just for the night. My father is a kind-hearted soul and was willing to help out the old couple but my mother was another story. She was quite selfish and cruel back then and she even admitted herself and regretted her action. Let’s just say that mother selfish attitude sends the old couple back outside in the cold and harsh rainstorm. Father nearly argue back with my own mother but suddenly the old elderly couple transforms into a young couple whom I believe are fairies. They looked very beautiful gorgeous but were furious at my mother for her wicked behavior.

For that, they punish her action by placing a curse on me by becoming a black swan. The only way that the curse can be lifted is that one day. That until when my 18th birthday arrives and that I’ll find true love and my first kiss will expel the curse. As if, that would most likely ever happen since I swing toward the other team if you catch my drift. I’ve been eyeing on Thomas Jefferson for as long I can remember since we practically grew up together. Despite being two years younger than him but he’s one of my closest friend I ever had. Minus Hamilton but he and Jefferson don’t exactly get along the best way but they're keeping their arguments a minimum. Well, not trying to get off sidetrack by the fact that I’m cursed of being a black swan.

It was hard for my parents to deal with this curse mostly for my father who hasn’t spoken to my mother since the incident. I can’t blame him but then again it’s been almost fourteen years when I was cursed. All I want is to see my parent happily talking once more. Well, all I ever wanted to spend the rest of my life with Thomas but that’s impossible. Wonder how I know it’s impossible for me and him to be together forever well for one thing. Curse being a black swan during the daytime while during the night. I’m my normal human self in which cost me to be homeschool and take late online classes. I lost my sweet childhood because of this stupid curse. Why didn’t the fairies curse my mother instead of me as her punishment?

....How did I end up acting so cruel to my mother?... Feeling tears streaming down my face while walking to the center of the small homemade pond. My father builds this beautiful pond hidden away from other where my transformation would be unseen. Touching the small necklace that Jefferson has given me a couple hours ago before running away back home. I still remember that moment but was nervous about what Jefferson was about to say next.

Three hours ago

Thomas and I were walking in the forest late at night once again despite his parents forbidding him to do so. Like always, my Tommy always disobeys his parents' wishes since they are a bit of a snob, no offenses taken. Just saying the truth and even Tommy admits it himself even though he can be a snob himself. But at least, he has some class just a tiny bit. Anyway, we were walking through the trails while holding hands like we usually do as friends. Even though just holding his hand in the forest makes my heart skip a beat or so. This is the only time where I got to spend any nights with Thomas in our secret trails. Leaning against his arm while blushing furiously as I felt my face turning all red.

I heard Thomas chuckling for a bit before speaking,  “You’re so cute when you blush Jemmy”

“I’m...I’m not...I’m not that cute, Tommy” I replied while blushing

“You are to me and just only me”

I began blushing even more before hiding my hide between hands which only to hear  Thomas laughing. Wrapping his arm around my shoulders before continuing to lead me through the trails. The secret trail in the forest usually starts from my homemade to an actual pond that hidden away from society and planted into the world of mother nature. It’s a special place for both me and Thomas since it was our own little world where we can be ourselves without being judged. That is until I’ve forgotten that the sun was almost rising up in the skies. Though I still had an extra hour left but couldn’t take the risk of Thomas seeing me transforming into a swan.

About to run away but Thomas suddenly grabbed my hand for the time being before pulling me into his arms. I began blushing once again as my heart was pounding against my chest. I felt his heart pounding at the same pace and rhythm as my own. Wasn’t sure what I was expecting but feeling Thomas pressing his lips against my own forehead. My heart immediately skip a beat or two as he did that because Tommy never did that before. I didn’t know what to do until I saw him pulling a jewelry out of his pocket. It was a golden necklace with a black swan as the centerpiece, Thomas gently place the item onto me. Seeing him genuine smile at you but it was a different smile that I couldn’t put on the tip of my finger.

“Happy 18th Birthday Jemmy. I’m very grateful to spend my entire childhood and my teenage years with you” Thomas confess

“...Tommy...” I whisper

“James Madison, there something I have been meaning to tell you but I just couldn’t express them until now...I wouldn’t know how to continue my life if I haven’t met you.  Ja...James...I”

“Thomas...please...don’t...don’t say it” I interrupted him

“But I must James...I can keep this quiet any longer than I’ve already had”

I know, many of you are thinking that I’m crazy for Thomas finally confessing his love for me. Its just...I’m afraid that once the curse is lifted. I fear that my beloved Thomas assumes that I use him to lift up the curse and never speak to me again. I couldn’t bare suffering a heartbreak nor lose my beloved Thomas for the rest of my existence. Looking away with tears threatening to leave my eyes but kept pushing them back. I couldn’t face him directly before running away from Thomas sight. I heard him calling my name repeatedly but I didn’t stop. I just kept on running nonstop until reaching my homemade pond.

Flashback ended

After that incident, I didn’t know if Thomas has followed me but that doesn’t since the morning sun has already arrived. The water began swirling around me causing me to change from my human self into my current black swan self. Slightly splashing the water around me as I slowly float around the homemade pond. It wasn’t really boring being a swan since I enjoy flying around the forest and headed to mine and Thomas secret pond. Though I couldn’t do that today since at any moment Thomas would be arriving in his I doubt since I completely blow him off. It’s better that way so that my darling Thomas can move on and have a wife and children of his own. My heart may be broken and shattered just of him marrying someone else but I’m willing to make that sacrifice.

There always consequence for each curse since that’s how the world works in its own twisted way. The fairies told my parents that if the curse wasn’t lifted before the morning after my birthday I shall remind as a black swan forever. Well, I have nothing better to do as a human being so might as well live the rest of my life as a bird that would be worth nothing toward other humans. As I sadly swim around the pond, I hear footstep within the distance. The fear within was starting to consume within me for a second until around of the bushes was only Thomas. I saw the desperation in his eyes that he has been looking for me. Expect, he found me but only as a swan which I saw him a depressing smile.

“It’s you again, my little swan,” he said before sitting in front of the pond watching me. Oh, would I love to speak to me but no words would escape from my beak. Just only an annoying sound so I stay silent. Thomas has come to see my father homemade pond and was impressed by it. He never figures it out that the black swan he made with it is actually me. I knew that Thomas is fond of birds since he uses to have one as a pet while we were children. Though it died by natural cause it was a depressing moment for Tommy. Though now, he has me...as a friend I believe hopefully. By instinct, I reach out to him before feeling his hand gently petting me on the head.

“Oh, my little swan. I wish you knew where James went. I wanted to confess my love to him but he ran off. I wonder if I was too straightforward with my love confession toward him?” he asks

Shaking my small swan head softly letting him that he wasn’t being straightforward. I overreacted but I could bare a heartbreak after he finds out the truth or may never ever see me again as a human. Shaking those thoughts away as Thomas depressing smile lighten up a bit. I always knew how to cheer him even in my state being a swan it wasn’t that hard communicating with him. Thomas spirit was lifted up a bit before deciding to sketch of me once again. He usually does this whenever he was waiting for  “me” to arrive school from my “boarding school”. I despise lying to Thomas every single day and night but it must be done no matter what. Well no more, tonight is the night is where I come clean toward Thomas and tell him everything. Even the outcome may be resulted in him hating me for the rest of my life but..I’m ready for it.

Hours Later

It was already reaching sunset in which it’s mean that any moment the full moon would rise up in the skies. My heart was pounding against my chest due to fear that Thomas will finally know my secret. If you’re wondering where Thomas well, he’s still here waiting for me in front of me while pulling off the flower petals. I can still see the depression in his eyes after I ran away from him during his love confession. I wonder if I’ve made a mistake when I have done that betrayal and breaking his heart. I hope Thomas isn’t too angry with me once the moon started rising up. My stomach started to turn into knots along with my other organs. I saw Thomas grabbing another flower before pulling it petals as well. I swear I never meant for this to happen but I let it happen.

Lowering my head in shame and regretted that I have broken Thomas heart in fear that he may break my heart. I was being selfish and afraid of falling in love because of this damn curse!!... I won’t let this curse get to me ever again. I want to be with Thomas but I’m also willing to be a swan for the rest of my life as well.

“Beautiful night, isn’t it my little swan? I knew that James would love seeing the Moon at the moment. It’s should be a high full moon in any second”

He’s right, I love seeing the moon rising high up in the skies since now, he can finally see that the black swan is actually me. Once the moon reflection hits the center of the pond is when it’s started glowing. This freak Thomas out for a moment when seeing the water swirling around me once again but transforming into my human form. Soon it took a little while longer than usual but I didn’t mind at all. I couldn’t bear the thought wondering of what would be Thomas expression would be once he sees me. The transformation finally finishes the water land back into the small pond where the water itself was slowing itself down.

Slowly opening my eyes as I saw the shock expression on Thomas that was mix with confused and stunned. My vision suddenly clean only to see that I’m wearing a gown made with black feathers. I was amazed by how this dress was made just by the transformation since it never happened before. That’s not the point, all I saw is Thomas standing in front of me speechless and frozen. We stood there staring at each other for what seem to be hours but actually only five minutes. I look away in with shame and embarrassment with tears threatening to stream down my face.

“James...is it really you?” Thomas question

“Y...y....yes” I stuttered

“The entire time you were...the black swan?”

“...Yes...”

I still didn’t dare to look at Thomas not knowing what to expect until I heard him running into the pond. Barely lifting my head only to be pulled into his arms once again, hugging me tightly as if I were a rare gem. Shedding a few tears before hugging him back while sobbing for the time being. My beloved didn’t dare to release me from his arms but kept a distance from us. He gently stroked my cheeks as Thomas shed a few tears of his own. Kissing my cheeks, nose, and my forehead before hugging me tightly once again.

“I thought I lost you forever” he confesses

“Thomas...I’m so sorry that I ran away from you. I was a coward...since what you saw...thought you would hate me. I couldn’t bear the thought of a broken heart...but you’re the suffering it instead of me”

“My dear, James. I could never hate since you’re the kindest and generous person I’ve ever met in my entire life. I’m willing to marry you even after confessing my love to you since we’re meant to be together”

“...Thomas...how could you love someone that is curse?...A curse that can only be broken by a true love first kiss....”

“Well, my dear James do love me?, Cause I love you and I’ll do anything to lift up your curse”

Tears were streaming down my face for joy before hugging him tightly before he lifts me up in the air before spinning us around. We laugh a little for a bit until we settle down after celebrating our love for each other. Thomas lightly places his hand onto my cheek before staring deeply into my eyes own. My heart flutter as I giggle shyly before I even notice how close our lips were.

“A true love kiss lifts up the curse. Then I, my dear James shall be your true love first kiss” Thomas spoke before placing his lips on my own. 

Wrapping my arms around his neck as this kiss blossom from affection to romance. The feeling of having Thomas’ lips on my own felt so right as if he’s my soulmate the I’ve been searching for many years. Yet, here we are kissing in the center of the small pond sharing our first kiss. A warm and electrifying feeling flew the courses of our bodies. For a moment, I actually thought we were flying in the air, silly I know. But, it was so magical and romantic that this is the first time I’ve ever true love within me.

I assume that I would never find true love and I didn’t. Instead, true love has found me instead along with Thomas who didn’t care if I was cursed or not. We just wanted to be together forever. Slowly breaking the kiss before hugging each other it felt pure bliss. I wish it would never end but suddenly I remember the curse...was it lifted? I’m afraid that maybe Thomas and I are too late but then again...I could be wrong though but I’m afraid.

But those fears were brushed away when Thomas and I both notice that the homemade pond my father built was suddenly replaced with a ravishing garden. I always wanted a beautiful but father all his saving for the pond when I was cursed. Though I still don’t know that is until a small golden light orb that appears before us. And I knew, I instantly knew that it wasn’t an ordinary an orb, it was the spirit of the black swan that was curse into me since I was four years old. Now the black swan curse has finally been lifted on my 18th birthday with a true love kiss. I shall treasure each moment and every day I spend with my beloved Thomas Jefferson through life and death itself.

Sorry if this was too long

#Hamilton #Hamilton fanfic #Romance #Curse #True love #First kiss #True loves kiss #Jeffmads #Jeffmads OTP #Jeffmads headcanon #Thomas Jefferson #James Madison #Black Swan