#there will always be better ways to represent something but I think the key is to have something recognisable

[tis-tics]

SO how we feeling about kaylynn's proposal about the autism symbol?

#personally i think its a good idea but i think people will get confused with all the changes that are being made periodically to the symbol #yes this one may represent us better but we're already struggling to get everyone on board with the infinity symbol vs the puzzle piece #now imagine trying to convince people to AGAIN change the symbol #there will always be better ways to represent something but I think the key is to have something recognisable #and the infinity symbol isnt inherently bad #actually autistic #autism stuff #autism #neurodivergent #disability stuff #disability awareness

[triassictriserratops]

Would you be able to elaborate on your statement about the pseudo sexual imagery of the Everlark pearl? I hadn’t really considered the pearl from that angle before and would love to hear your thoughts on it.

In response to this post So firstly, this in NO WAY takes away from the other symbolism present in the pearl. This is in ADDITION to, NOT instead of. In fact, lemme go into it all from my perspective, although I know MANY creators have expressed a lot of this much more eloquently than I will! PEARLS AS THEY RELATE TO THE CAPITOL

i always viewed the presence of the pearls on Katniss' capitol wedding dress as twofold. Firstly, it speaks of the opulence and extreme perceived wealth of the Capitol. To have a dress adorned with chains of pearls - what a symbol of luxury! I also viewed them as binding/chains. A representation of the "freedom" of the victors. The trappings of their wealth while living under the thumb of the Capitol. Their chains aren't metal, they're beautiful and delicate but still present and just as deadly. Like a gentle hand on their throats.

PEARLS AS THEY RELATE TO PEETA In direct contrast to the Capitol pearls, the pearl Peeta gives Katniss is singular. It isn't purchased, it is found. It is found in a space where Peeta has nothing else to give to Katniss, other than his life. Instead of a chain or a burden it is meant as his symbol of freedom to her, in conjunction with the locket - "I give you fully back to your family. To the people who love and need you. I let you go, but this, here is something to remember me by." (And I also love how it's representative of Peeta's ability to find pieces of beauty in the most horrific of circumstances.) KATNISS' MENTAL CONNECTION OF PEETA AND THE PEARL We also know that, during Peeta's capture, Katniss connects this pearl heavily with Peeta's life and her need to protect it. "Tomorrow morning, I'm going to agree to be the Mockingjay." I tell her. "Because you want to or because you feel forced into it?" she asks. I laugh a little. "Both, I guess. No. I want to. I have to, if it will help the rebels defeat Snow." I squeeze the pearl more tightly in my fist. "It's just...Peeta. I'm afraid if we do win, the rebels will execute him as a traitor." I slip the pearl from the drawer and spend a second sleepless night clutching it in my hand, replaying Peeta's words in my head. "Ask yourself, do you really trust the people you're working with?" I knot the pearl into the corner of the parachute, bury it deep in the recesses of the bag, as if it's Peeta's life and no one can take it away as long as I guard it. Then, later, when Peeta returns and is found to be hijacked, his essence and personhood taken from him and from HER - the Pearl becomes a symbol of the boy she lost and everything he isn't anymore. Then she finds the pearl Peeta gave me. "Is this-?" "Yeah," I say. "Made it through somehow." I don't want to talk about Peeta. One of the best things about training is, it keeps me from thinking of him. "Haymitch says he's getting better," she says. "Maybe. But he's changed," I say. I consider saying a final good-bye to Peeta, decide it would only be bad for both of us. But I do slip the pearl into the pocket of my uniform. A token of the boy with the bread. And, finally, when in the Capitol, in the last mention of the pearl, we connect it with his literal LIFE in Katniss' HANDS. (And Peeta's unwillingness to risk Katniss' life even for his freedom.) "Should we free his hands?" asks Leeg 1. "No!" Peeta growls at her, drawing his cuffs in close to his body. "No," I echo. "But I want the key." Jackson passes it over without a word. I slip it into my pants pocket, where it clicks against the pearl."

And, finally, here we go: THE PEARL AS IT RELATES TO KATNISS' SEXUAL AWAKENING It is no coincidence, to me, that the pearl is gifted from Peeta to Katniss following the events of the kiss on the beach. Katniss has now admitted to herself that Peeta holds sexual currency with her. Her body is reactive to his own and feeds a hunger in her, a flame. The giving and acceptance of the pearl can be viewed as the "tender" of that sexual currency. Katniss ALSO thinks of the pearl as it relates to Peeta in the ways that Peeta was able to make her PHYSICALLY feel. She connects it with both what she felt with him that night on the beach, and what she HOPES to feel with him upon his return. (And what she misses when he is "lost" to her.) I feel around for the parachute and slide my fingers inside until they close around the pearl. I sit back on my bed cross-legged and find myself rubbing the smooth iridescent surface of the pearl back and forth against my lips. For some reason, it's soothing. A cool kiss from the giver himself. I take the pearl from where it lives in my pocket and try to remember the boy with the bread, the strong arms that warded off nightmares on the train, the kisses in the arena. To make myself put a name to the thing I've lost. But what's the use? It's gone. He's gone. Whatever existed between us is gone.

all I'm saying is that Peeta would literally pass out if he ever hears about how she basically kept rubbing one out in 13 to thoughts of him. (Because, let's be real. That's what the symbolism of the pearl was.) Rolling the pearl between her fingers? Kissing it to her lips? COME ON. It's so on the nose. (Or clit in this case.) 🦪😏

#peeta mellark #katniss everdeen #everlark #the hunger games #thg series #thg #hunger games headcanon #thg headcanons #the hunger games headcanon #thg analysis #the hunger games analysis #hunger games analysis #symbolism of the pearl

[tepkunset]

Representation vs. Appropriation

When I made a tumblr blog post pointing out that the character creator in Baldur’s Gate 3 included culturally appropriative face tattoos, lot of people decided to bend over backwards to defend this. Excuses I have found while giving my blocking finger a routine work-out thus far have ranged from “Larian Studios is European so they don’t know any better”, to a classic “it’s just a fantasy game, stop being so oversensitive”. But by far the most common poor reaction was, “what if it’s representation?”

Now, two Māori people were quick to jump into this post and say themselves, clear as day, that this is not representation, it is appropriation. That should be enough right there—settlers do not get to decide what is and isn’t representation for us Indigenous folks. But white people not listening to Indigenous voices is nothing new. I’ve been forced to learn that if you want to be taken seriously by settlers, your best chance is to coddle and appease their poor little delicate feelings. So, let’s pretend for a second that these “what if it’s representation?” questions are actually asked in good, albeit ignorant faith, and not just a pathetic gut-reaction to avoid having to critically think about a beloved game. (Which, by the way, I still overall adore myself, mind you.) Let’s pretend they actually want an answer, and give it to them.

It’s very easy to list the examples of positive Indigenous representation I’ve personally experienced in video games, not made by Indigenous folks ourselves, because there’s only one game that comes to mind: Assassin’s Creed 3. The protagonist of AC3 is Ratonhnhaké:ton of the Kanienʼkehá꞉ka people. Ubisoft is a terrible company for other reasons, but they did one thing right in the development of this game: They hired a cultural consultant, Thomas Deer. Deer was able to guide them through avoiding offensiveness and stereotypes, and include proper cultural touchstones that Indigenous players, especially Mohawk players, would want to see. For example, Ubisoft originally wanted to include sacred ceremonial masks in the game, but Deer told them that depictions of these masks would be taboo. He also helped them choose what clothing and jewellery was authentic to the Nation. This, among much more, helped create a truly representative experience. What makes it representation is that it features an Indigenous character in a positive way, without crossing lines into what should not be touched by outsiders. But had Ubisoft decided to ignore Deer’s consultation and go ahead with using those sacred masks… that would have been cultural appropriation.

Cultural appropriation is taking a closed cultural practice and using it yourself, despite not belonging to the culture it comes from. The key word there is closed, as in, something not for outsiders to touch. Eating frybread is not cultural appropriation, because it’s something freely shared by Natives to others. But wearing a fake headdress to your local musical festival is cultural appropriation, because headdresses are sacred regalia not freely shared by Natives to others. It really is that simple: just listen to boundaries set by the People.

“But my fake headdress is just clothing.” “But a fake kakiniit is just ink.” “But my fake totem pole is just decoration.” Except not, and the very fact that you have no respect for the history and meaning behind these things is the perfect example as to why they are not for you. But being told something isn’t for them has always been a hard a pill for settlers to swallow.

The phrase “nothing about us without us” is often used when advocating for rights and respect of minorities. It was first brought into English vocabulary by South Africa’s disability activism in the 1990’s, and has since been adapted across the world as a slogan to mean uplifting voices of the people you claim to want to help, instead of speaking over them. I personally first heard it through EDIRA work (Equity, Diversity, Inclusion, Reconciliation and Accessibility) at my job, and I feel like it can be applied in many different ways, this being one of them. The best representation comes from listening to the people you want to represent. Had Larian done that, they would have known that imitating those tattoos was off limits. But since they didn’t, they took what wasn’t theirs to take. And that’s appropriation.

#cultural appropriation #appropriation #representation #racism

[tawaifeddiediaz]

something about the diaz home as a symbol of everything sacred to eddie.

something about the diaz home representing eddie's privacy and his life and by extension, christopher's, and that it's a constant, recurring motif of a life that he's built with his son. and it's always interesting to see that his home is always warm (in terms of lighting, color combos, etc etc) and welcoming, which feels so vastly different to the other two homes we've seen for him in eddie begins

something about the way he has to physically open the door to let people in to his life, and how many shots of that we've had of just him opening the damned door since. something about the way he physically lets shannon in in 2x07, or the way he braces himself with chris' encouragement before opening the door to ana in 4x08, or the way he happily lets carla in in 4x13 or the way he softens and smiles when he opens the door to buck in 6x12. it's in the way the only people we've really seen in eddie's home as "not guests" are the ones that he chooses to let in.

in that same vein, we can always tell when there's someone in there that doesn't quite belong. 5x11 is a prime example of this, and not just because of the episode title, "outside looking in." it's evidently obvious that the only reason taylor's in his house is for buck's sake, and maybe that's why we never see eddie actually letting them in. 5x03 is similar to that, in the sense that ana stays for three days with chris at the diaz home, but when eddie comes back, it's a metaphorical and physical mess that he's left standing in the middle of, alone.

and it's very, very interesting that we've never seen his parents in his house. ever. and yes, it could just be the fact that they rarely come to los angeles period, but i just think it's interesting in terms of eddie's journey with them, that the closest we've gotten to them physically being there is that facetime call with his dad, and that phone call with his mom - both of which happen after he goes back to texas in 5x17 where he point-blank tells his dad he's trying to be better for himself, and his dad meets him halfway. it only happens after his relationship with his dad starts improving.

i just constantly think of the diaz home front door, and now that i've thought of it, there's so many other moments that scream at me:

buck unlocking eddie's door in 4x14 and swinging it open to the party, and then later standing in the open doorway almost like he's protecting eddie and the life he's built in this one way because he couldn't protect him in the other way

buck unlocking eddie's door with his own key in 5x13, then bursting through yet another door to get to eddie, just to step in and sit with him in his grief - and how much that scene symbolizes that eddie may have built this life but it was after burying demons that later just crawled up through the cracks of his new home.

buck standing inside the diaz home after eddie gets home from therapy in 5x14 like this is a regular occurrence.

the way eddie's discomfort is visible in that split second scene we get of the police officers storming his home in 2x15

eddie asking shannon to leave through the back door because he may have let her into his life but he's not ready to let her into chris' and thus, he doesn't truly let her into his life - and actually, even the shot of eddie, chris and shannon at the end of that episode takes place outside the diaz home. which is...telling methinks.

eddie opening his door post-date in 4x07 to buck meeting him at it (always meeting him halfway), and just. the domesticity of it, set off by the warm lights, the discussion they have, and the looks on their faces the whole like

eddie opening his door to buck in 6x12, looking apprehensive for a second before he realizes who it is and his smile grows and eyes turn into heart-eyes and buck just pushes past him without waiting for eddie to step aside, only to go and swing his feet up on the coffee table like the diaz home is his, too.

there's so many examples but @sevensoulmates and i put this whole meta together because the symbolism in this tv show is off the charts

#zee rambles #meta #911 abc #911 on abc #eddie diaz #is some of this a reach? probably #do i care? no #because fr it's so bold of a motif to use the diaz home as a symbol for eddie and it's not just house is a home #it's also my home is my heart and you are my home and here's my heart #idk #it's a lot of things at once #there's a complete separate meta about the buddie implications of this all #and from a visual standpoint there's something about the fact that eddie clearly prefers lamp and warm lighting (as he should) #we rarely see overhead lighting used and that's just...that #long post #i should be writing my midterm rn but alas

[she-posts-nerdy-stuff]

It’s gone midnight and I’m thinking about Six of Crows so y’all know what that means: it’s time for a long rambling thought process that will hopefully have some interesting insights into the books in it.

I want to talk about the animal, mostly bird, symbolism of these books because although it’s obviously something we’re very aware of I also think it’s something that runs a lot deeper than we necessarily always realise/talk about. Even when people aren’t being directly involved in bird metaphors (crows, pigeons, peacocks) they are often described as “squawking”, “flapping”, or with other phrases that further this semantic field.

Now the crows is obviously the main source of the symbolism, and it’s openly talked about in the book with the speech on how the recognise human faces and how they support each other. I’ve also seen a few people online talking about the Crows in conjunction with a poem/nursery rhyme about crows (it’s one of those that has many different versions spun of it, some know it was counting magpies rather than crows) wherein 6 crows symbolises gold, of course greatly linked to the plot of the novels as well as their anti-extreme capitalism message. It’s also key to mention that crows are massively underestimated birds in the general public view; they’re far ‘smarter’ animals than we would typically expect. Crows have a very high brain to body mass ratio, I believe the highest of any birds but don’t quote me on that, and although we understand very little about the brain the size ratio is currently considered a very good indicator for the general intelligence level of the animal. Crows can make tools, hide their food, mate for life, and - VERY interestingly for this book analysis - have even been suspected to hold funerals. Now I want to be clear I’m working on a mix of random knowledge and the first helpful looking website that came up when I googled ‘fun facts about crows’ so I am by no means an expert here, but to my understanding the practice that was initially considered to be a ‘crow funeral’ is actually a process wherein crows will gather around a dead crow to look for potential danger. So I feel like the links I’m establishing here are relatively obvious, the point is that, like the birds themselves, the Crows are undervalued, underestimated, and unexpectedly successful. But the symbol of the crow in these books arguably goes even further.

The crow-headed handle of Kaz’s cane represents everything about the crow I’ve already mentioned on top of his own symbolic layering to the cane as a sign that no part of him has not been broken, and no part him is not better for having been broken. So in Chapter 27 of Crooked Kingdom, when Kaz returns to the Slat and fights the Dregs before leading a coup against Per Haskell, the cane with the fake crow’s head that Haskell has contrived to mock him effectively represents the failing of everything the Dregs represent. They’re last, the remnants, the people with nowhere else to go: they are the people who have been broken and have made something new for themselves. Except Haskell. So the sheer ridiculousness of him mocking Kaz’s cane, something he clearly thought would win him favour and success, in the end becomes one of the biggest aspects of his downfall. Inej describes the moment when the Dregs begin to support Kaz, the way the look at Per Haskell with discomfort - “the feathers in his hat, the canes in his hands” (and then she goes on to highlight how they’ve seen Kaz use his cane in fights, “wielded with such precision”, whereas Haskell is washed-up, pathetic, never could have taken the fight Kaz did and walked out the other side). Of course they realise, then, how completely and utterly wrong all of this was. Because when they’re confronted with both of those canes they realise something. They know what Kaz’s cane represents; it’s power and strength in spite of a world that has that has scorned him, it’s taking something that was broken and not fixing it but emphasising it and making it into a threat, into a symbol, into a strength. They know that, even though they don’t know what happens in Kaz’s head, because they see themselves in that. The Dregs; the literal bottom of the Barrel, who have been broken and who have clawed their way to survival. They cannot see themselves in Haskell’s mockery cane. Haskell is not a man who reflects what the Dregs are at their core, but Kaz is. The emphasis on the feathers is also really interesting, because I think it’s implying a sort of gaudy, colourful feathering that (despite fitting in with the style of the Barrel) does not represent the symbol of the crow; it is not something shadowed, something half hidden that could have an unexpected bite. It’s almost more akin to Heleen’s gaudy peacock feathers than it is to anything the Dregs understand, or represent through being Crows.

The pigeons I don’t really see anyone talking about, but I think it’s pretty interesting. The idea of ‘the pigeon’ is the same as ‘the mark’; they’re the victim, the fool who’s easy to swindle. I think the imagery of the fools being pigeons, ie being everywhere and massively populating big cities, is really clever to show a divide between the few, the Crows, and the many, the pigeons. However, it’s not only the Crows who remark on others being ‘pigeons’, but other gangs as well. When Kaz confronts Pekka about the scam he ran on him and Jordie, he says “you were just two pigeons, and I happened to be the one who plucked you”. I’m not gonna lie to you guys I’m losing my point slightly, but I just googled ‘crows and pigeons’ and the first thing that came up was about how crows sometimes eat pigeons so I reckon that’s pretty relevant.

Ok I’m really tired and I feel like I’m clutching at straws here, so I dunno I guess if this does well then I’ll cover peacocks, lions, and the general semantic field of birds in another post. I hope at least some of this made sense, thanks for reading it if you bothered to get this far

#grishaverse #leigh bardugo #six of crows #crooked kingdom #inej ghafa #nina zenik #kaz brekker #jesper fahey #matthias helvar #wylan van eck #kanej #wesper #helnik #crows #soc #fantasy analysis #fantasy books #book analysis

[queenlucythevaliant]

Okay, here we go. Rating literary allusions in Taylor Swift songs:

The Outside: "I tried to take the road less traveled by /but nothing seems to work the first few times/am I right?"--Starting off pretty well! She tried to take the road less traveled by, but it didn't make any difference. 8/10

Love Story: Whole song allusion to Romeo and Juliet-- All those 2008 jokes about Taylor not having read R&J weren't funny then and they aren't funny now. It's a fun, satisfying subversion. However, I am going to dock points for the fact that Romeo and Juliet aren't a prince and princess, just rich. 7/10

Love Story: "You were Romeo/I was a scarlet letter"--Is the Juliet character in "Love Story" being publicly shamed? Did she do something scandalous? There are zero other lines in this song to suggest that she did, and a fair amount of evidence that she didn't. This allusion confuses rather than clarifies and tbh this is the one people should've made fun of in 2008. 2/10

New Romantics: "We show off our different scarlet letters/ trust me, mine is better" --Hooray! She figured out what the book is about! This is a beautifully executed allusion, where "scarlet letters" represents a mark of something shameful which, in a fun subversion, is being shown off with pride. Fits the song really well. Most improved award, 11/10

Getaway Car: "It was the best of times, the worst of crimes" (A Tale of Two Cities) -- Goes in the category of "fun wordplay, but doesn't really mean anything deeper" 5/10

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things: "Feeling so Gatsby for that whole year" --This is a perfectly serviceable allusion, but not a super interesting one. Sub "Gatsby" out with "nostalgic" and the song wouldn't change at all. She could've done a lot more with the reference, given the subject matter of the song. 6/10

cardigan: "I knew you/tried to change the ending/Peter losing Wendy" -- This works! You get a sense of Betty losing her innocence and choosing to leave James and of it being inevitable somehow. Plus, it imbues the song with a lovely fairy tale quality. 10/10

illicit affairs: "take the road less traveled by/tell yourself you can always stop" -- To take the road less traveled by is to do something risky, unpopular, or unfamiliar, not just to take a route through town where you won't run into people. Not totally egregious, but the regression from Debut is disappointing. 4/10

invisible string: "and isn't it just so pretty to think/ that all along there was some/ invisible string tying you to me."(The Sun Also Rises)--Ugggggh. Okay, so "Isn't it pretty to think so?" is this sad, tired, ironic note in The Sun Also Rises. Brett tells Jake, "We could have had a damned good time together" and Jake says "Isn't it pretty to think so?" because their whole situationship was never going to work. It's not a positive thing; it's pure, bitter Lost Generation irony. Completely out-of-place in a song about how two people we're supposed to believe will actually work as a couple. This one drives me nuts, and I don't even like Hemingway. 0/10

happiness: "I hope she'll be a beautiful fool/ who takes my spot next to you" (Gatsby)--Saying this about an ex's future SO is so... off. Like, the reason why Daisy hopes her daughter will be a beautiful fool is because it's easy. The two situations have nothing to do with one another, and not in an interesting way. 1/10

The Albatross: whole song allusion to "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner," but most notably "She's the albatross/ she is here to destroy you"--The albatross in the Rime is a good omen. The Mariner shoots is for no reason, and the albatross's death is the ostensible source of bad fortune. I wrote a whole separate post on this here. That said, culturally "albatross=bad omen" is common enough, so whatever. 3/10

I Hate It Here: "I will go to secret gardens in my mind/ people need a key to get to/ the only one is mine" -- I like this one a lot. Exactly the right vibe for the song, trying to escape something miserable by going somewhere pleasant. The key is a nice touch. Poor Archibald. 10/10

The Prophecy: "I got cursed like Eve got bitten" --No Taylor, that's not what happened. Famously, Eve was the biter in that situation. 0/10

Cassandra: whole song allusion -- correct me if I'm wrong (I haven't actually read the Illiad), but my understanding is that Cassandra died fairly far into the Trojan war, and not by burning. 4/10

#this probably isn't exhausive lol #but it's what i've got off the top of my head #this was weirdly cathartic to write #you guys know i adore taylor swift but literary allusions have always been my biggest nitpick with her #i would just like to send her to an English class or gently help her out or something idk #tay tay #i'm aware that i'm not addressing Peter off ttpd but that song is such a nothingburger that i really can't be bothered #pontifications and creations #literature makes us more human

[saintsenara]

Are Lily and Petunia working class? I feel like they’re coded more like lower middle, with parents who are very class conscious in the way that people who’ve only relatively recently inched their way into respectability can be - Lily and Petunia both have classist insults on the tip of their tongue when they’re done with Snape and that had to be a deliberate invocation of the attitudes inside the Evan’s’ home considering they’ve got basically no other personality traits in common - and who hope their daughters marry up, which they both do. They don’t really seem as kids to speak or act in the way that the few unambiguously working class characters in the books do. She can’t be raised middle middle, because she’s far too obsessed with the performance of it once married to be comfortable that status won’t be taken from her, but her dad was like…a bank clerk. Or a council worker. Not a lawyer, but not a working class factory guy or tradesman either. Cokeworth reads to me as split by the river, with Snape’s condemned Victorian slums in the shadow of the mill and then Lily and Petunia over a bridge in the nicer part of town on one of those endless 1930s estates with a gated playground that are all over the country. Sometimes it’s hard not to read an uncomfortably condescending undertone into JKR’s words about Lily’s goodness that a key part of that goodness in the author’s eyes was her ability to overlook the class disparity with Snape. Would love to hear your thoughts on this because you usually spot much more going on in the text than I do!

(also, what working class family names their first child Petunia???)

so, i certainly think this is a fair reading, anon - which definitely works with snape and petunia and lily's canonical... vibe.

i just prefer the class divergence between the snapes and the evanses to be smaller in real terms - and, therefore, more profound in imagined ones.

by which i mean that i like the tension between the two families to be intra-working-class beef between a "respectable", "aspirational" working-class family and the feckless delinquents it considers beneath them.

this is because it always strikes me that so much about petunia's relationship with snape is based in her fear of the mirror he holds up to her, and the inadequacies she's terrified it will reveal. the main one of these - obviously - is that snape's continued existence reminds her of her desire to be magical [and shocking, bohemian, unconventional etc.], but i also think that snape works well as someone who reminds her that all the affectations of middle-class respectability she puts on are mere fiction. she's just a working-class lass from cokeworth, no better than he is...

[which offers an explanation for her terror as an adult that her solidly middle-class lifestyle will be snatched away from her - this fear is connected specifically to harry's magic; magic is what took lily away from her; lily was introduced to magic by snape. she has escaped him by ascending into the middle-classes, but the frightening, corrupting influence he represents - which threatens to unmask who she really is and where she really comes from - stalks her still...]

i certainly agree that her and lily's parents would be incredibly class-conscious, but i see it as the adult evanses looking to receive recognition which would allow them to distinguish themselves from the lower orders in a way which might help them advance in terms of class status, rather than allowing them to retain a previous ascension up the greasy pole.

and this will obviously have involved the demonisation of members of the working-classes they believe to be letting the side down - petunia clearly being desperate to call snape whatever the seventies version of a "chav" was during their first meeting can definitely be read as having that "it's people like you that give people like me a bad name" flair. and i think that's more potent - and would bother petunia a lot more - if it's something she thinks from within the same social class as snape, rather than [however tenuously] from a bracket above him.

the evanses house and mr evans' job would absolutely play into this intra-class divide. i agree that they probably lived on a housing estate built between the 1930s and 1950s - but i think it's also entirely possible that the estate they live on was council housing. the housing division in cokeworth might be a smaller-scale version of that seen in other post-industrial cities in the north-west, such as liverpool and manchester - policies intended to move families out of unfit victorian stock into new-builds, which came with things like indoor toilets and central heating.

[in reality, these policies rehoused a lucky few in nicer estates within their original communities, displacing many onto estates miles away from where they'd started and leaving others stuck in condemned slum housing.]

i think it's worth noting that - while the perception of someone who lives in council housing has become exceptionally negative since the 1980s, in the 60s it was still considered perfectly respectable to live in council housing which might have looked like this:

[none of which, i imagine, are still in use as council stock...]

certainly, it was considered infinitely more respectable than living in the slums.

the sorts of council tenants who would end up in these houses often had a reputation for their own version of "keeping up appearances" - tidy gardens, community interaction, not behaving in "rough" ways - which is very similar to how this is performed by the middle-classes, but which still has a distinctly working-class flavour - particularly when it comes to the perception of jobs, education, and what one receives from the state.

mr evans could, for example, have a trade and still think of himself [and expect to be perceived in society] as meaningfully more sophisticated than a low-skilled and frequently-unemployed mill-worker, like tobias snape - especially if he was something like a plumber, electrician, or gas-fitter. this would be the case even though both of these jobs can be described as "blue collar".

and i like these really minor distinctions because they play up just how petty the performance of class is in britain - but they also reveal just how thorny and multi-layered it is at the same time. this really vibes with how i see petunia: petty and competitive and obsessed with rules which people outside of her class bracket don't care about [i.e. how marge doesn't give a fuck about the prim middle-class manners the adult petunia will come to pride herself on] and worried about the fragility of her position and very much faking it until she makes it - and also complex and multi-layered and inextricable from the long and complicated history of social class in the twentieth century.

two final points: on the names, i basically think that the fact she's called petunia is a little wink to the camera for the mams and dads in 1997 reading the books at home with their children - "petunia dursley" is absolutely intended to remind you of "hyacinth bucket", the social-climbing protagonist of the bbc sitcom keeping up appearances. that character was also a working-class lass who ascended to the middle, and who went to extraordinary lengths to keep that hidden from the upper-middle-class circles she was desperate to access...

and the main thing which i think "others" the snapes? religion. i am wedded to the idea of tobias as a catholic of northern irish extraction - which would have been accompanied by all sorts of stereotypes about fecklessness [drunkenness, having too many children who can't be paid for, violence] which, when compounded by him living in a slum and being unemployed, would have turned him into someone the evanses would have seen it as entirely appropriate to define themselves against even if they nominally shared a social class.

this would only have got worse as the 1970s began...

#asks answered #asenora meta #surprise! it's the class system

[temporalhiccup]

Intimacy in TTRPGS

(art by @geezmarty)

It's been a while since I geeked out about ttrpg design and I thought I'd dive into it! Some time ago there was discussion about intimacy and romance in games, and I wanted to talk about that today.

In particular this is about the Reveal Your Heart move in Apocalypse Keys and how it's a response to games that came before it.

Above is the Comfort or Support move from Masks: A New Generation. It's representative of what a lot of similar Powered by the Apocalypse moves are like (and many PbtA games since Masks have emulated this too).

In my experience with Masks it created a lot of lovely drama, "on a hit, they hear you" suggested that on a miss, they didn't. This often lead to delicious moments filled with angst: misunderstood feelings, good intentions not being enough, or being interrupted at the worst possible moment!

My main issue with this move and those like it (and it came up with various groups and players) was that most of the time it's hard for a player to correctly guess what would actually comfort or support another character in the moment.

It was also interesting that this was a move that was mostly about the person you were trying to comfort or support! Like most PbtA games, you're statistically more likely to roll a 7-9, which meant the target of the move was the only one who benefited mechanically.

This lead to a lot of awkward play. If we were lucky, the target of the move would speak up and offer a clear alternative "Oh that wouldn't actually comfort my character, he doesn't like being hugged or touched. I think what he'd want to hear in this moment is that he matters to you, that you think he's an important member of the team."

But most of the time something would go wrong somewhere - the target player wouldn't feel comfortable with speaking up, the triggering player would insist that this is what their character would do, etc. So the move would effectively not trigger, or we'd pretend it would and everyone would be awkward.

It just reminded me too much of my own personal experiences, where I would have to pretend I was happy with someone trying to comfort me because they had good intentions and it didn't matter if I was actually comforted or not. Seeing it play out, again and again, in Masks was something that always made me feel uncomfortable.

The trigger includes keywords like "offer" (suggesting acceptance is not guaranteed), "in a way that could be meaningful to them" reminds a player to place the target of the move's preferences first. Both results require the target to "open up to you", if they don't, the rest of the move just doesn't trigger.

Thirsty Sword Lesbians, which has a lot of Masks DNA in it, addresses this in an interesting way. It spells out a few things by refining the trigger and response of Emotional Support.

It felt a lot better in play, but for Apocalypse Keys and my own design preferences I wanted to shift the move into a different direction!

Reveal Your Heart (like every move in the game) taps into the relevant central themes. In this case the PCs are Omen-Class monsters who struggle with staying in control and handling difficult emotions (as well as the horrifying truth that they may become a Harbinger one day, and bring about the apocalypse instead of stopping it!).

The trigger here is dependent on a revelation of some kind, what are you revealing to another? This suggests vulnerability, or at least an innate truth of self. "try to sincerely connect to another" replaces the awkward and difficult task of trying to figure out what would comfort another person. This is a move that prioritizes an attempt towards intimacy, whatever that may look like. This is usually much easier to figure out, the question then becomes "how vulnerable are you going to be in this moment?"

Like in most Apocalypse Keys moves, I wanted each narrative choice to lead to a mechanical reflection. This further supports the idea that the narrative and emotional are mechanical and structural truths in the game - roleplaying and characterization are not separate aspects, they are connected to the act of playing. It also gives the players room to interpret what that means, "they gave you hope", what does that hope look like to you? How does it quell and calm the Harbinger that shifts and aches in your soul?

But! In general, I love how much intimacy and romance have flourished in the indie ttrpg space! It's definitely improved my play experience, and it's something I love to design around in my own games!

Essentially this move offers the players the room to name the feelings they have and lay bare the nature of their relationship. By the end of the move there's usually a sense that we've learned something essential about the relationship between the characters. No matter how small, it bears significance.

Many of the moves in Apocalypse Keys focus on relationships and intimacy of some kind, it's just very very queer that way.

#design breakdown #ttrpg design #indie ttrpg #sword queen games #masks a new generation #thirsty sword lesbians #apocalypse keys

[bright-side20]

Elain/The Cauldron

I don’t know if it is a coincidence but I think it's worth highlighting, the Cauldron seems to have given Elain a power similar to what he was before being corrupted by Daglan,which what think it's a proof that she reminded it of its origins.

Nesta:

"The Fae say the Cauldron holds our fates. Maybe it became this Urd."

And what did it make Elain? A seer who can control fate, and she already did that during the war by saving Cassian and Nesta.

Azriel :

"All life came and comes from it," Azriel said with something like reverence. "The Mother poured it into this world, and from it, life blossomed."

Acowar :

Elain, who it had gifted with such powers, found her so lovely it had wanted to give her something … It would not harm Elain, even in its hunt to reclaim what had been taken.

What had been taken? Death. What would he give to Elain? Life. Because that's what she reflects. I think the power it gave her is definitely related to the ability to give and create life, which fits the plot of bringing life back to the barren lands.

Acomaf:

The Cauldron was absence and presence. Darkness and whatever the darkness had come from. But not life. Not joy or light or hope.

We now know where the darkness came from; it's because the Dagglan used their power to turn it.

Acowar:

“Elain had always been gentle and sweet—and I had considered it a different kind of strength. A better strength. To look at the hardness of the world and choose, over and over, to love, to be kind. She had always been so full of light.”

Elain represents the contrast of what the Cauldron had become, yet she also embodies its original purpose. This reminder of its origins led the Cauldron to gift her with powers akin to its original duties: controlling fate and creating life.

What I want from Elain's bond rejection is for it to lead to something unexpected. the Cauldron is wrong but what if it did it intentionally ? What if it knows that she's the key to returning it to its original purpose? Nullifying a Cauldron's bond isn't something anyone would easily achieve. Perhaps that could lead to discovering a way to fix the Cauldron.

#elain archeron #pro elain #acotar thoughts #elriel #elriel supremacy

[cerealboxlore]

heyheyhey what if some villain or something uses an ability to show a physical manifestation of how the heroes see their powers (maybe they want the world to see them as selfish/vain?) and captain marvels just covered in chains tying him down

I LIIIIVE!!! so sorry for being late to answering this, hun <3

First of all, I am going wild and feral with that image of Captain Marvel seeing himself that way! The immense burden and responsibility alone in carrying the powers of several gods and ancients is astonishing, beyond the normal human mind, but nowhere near the level of being the Champion of Magic. Imagine that. Being a child who has no one to depend on, and then suddenly becoming a figure of such intense magical power that millions depend on you saving them. Billy never wanted to become a superhero, he never intended to be one, but someone made that decision for him and he can't escape his fate.

Not that it's a bad thing, Billy is more than happy to lend a helping hand to anyone in need, whether it's as himself or as Captain Marvel. He isn't pure of heart for nothing, after all.

Old lady crossing the street? Billy will be there to help. Dr. Sivana stealing from the museum? Captain Marvel is on his way to put an end things. Someone is in a burning building and needs help getting out? Either of them wouldn't hesitate to run in.

It's when he fails to save someone that it sticks to his mind and poisons him with nightmares and guilt. Billy has canonically mentioned before that when he fails to save people, they haunt his nightmares and he looses sleep over thinking about what he could have done differently or better to save them. Sometimes he thinks he shouldn't have been chosen to be Captain Marvel, and that his powers would have been better suited to someone else, anyone else besides himself. Billy is a kid for crying out loud, and yet he's filled with so much survivors guilt, imposter syndrome, PTSD, and more.

The responsibility and power of being a superhero, Champion of Magic, and guardian of the Rock of Eternity all weigh heavy on his small shoulders. Let's not forget Billy's personal life either; a homeless orphan living day to day, working tirelessly to survive and hide away from people who wish to hurt him. It's a miracle this kid hasn't burned out yet. He has too many responsibilities to care about!

Billy is fortunate enough that when he transforms into Captain Marvel, he can forget about his anxiety and worries for a while thanks to his powers giving him a healthy mindset to think with. However, deep beneath the surface, the vessel for the Champion of Magic is just a scared little lost child, crying for his mom and dad, never voicing his concerns or woes to people as to not burden them.

This is why I love your idea of the physical manifestation of how Captain Marvel sees his powers being chains. He feels trapped by his roles in life and doesn't think he can escape them. He doesn't even know if he is allowed to want these burdens and chains gone from him. The chains may seem to tie him down but he is ultimately the one with the key to put an end to it, to never say the magic word again and live a semi normal life. But that's just not the person Billy Batson is. Billy Batson will always do his best to try and save people, no matter what he has to sacrifice of himself in the end.

Maybe the chains seem to be on him unwillingly, but are actually there to represent how he is forcing himself to be a hero to the world.

#This was such a lovely ask #Tysm for the ask! #Billy batson #dc captain marvel #shazam #dc comics #Your ideas are so fun! #I think a lot about Billy and Captain Marvel's emotional and mental stares a lot #Sorry if this ended up as a lot of rambling #For Batman on the other hand #I think his manifestation would be him as a child #That is for a longer post another day though #sorry if there's spelling errors

[rainbowsky]

GG and DD and queer representation

As some of you might be aware, Greece has finally legalized same sex marriage. This was very exciting news!

I had an ask related to the Greek marriage equality debate and had begun drafting a response but ended up getting sidetracked, and by the time I got back to this post marriage equality had already won.

I figured I'd finish this response because it covers some ground that newer turtles might find useful (and because I hate leaving things like this unfinished).

@rozanthi asked: Πιστεύετε πως οι χελώνες βοηθούν η δυσκολεύουν τους ggdd στην σημερινή πραγματικότητα;

Hi rozanthi!

Here's the rest of the ask(s) rozanthi sent.

rozanthi asked: Sorry l put my question in English and not in Greek by mistake. Do you thing that turtles benefit or harm ggdd in today's sircumstansies, reality. I apologize if in someway l offended you with my question about turtles and ggdd. Maybe that is the reason why you didn't answer. But you see, in my country(Greece) these few last months, a debate is going on in our parliament about voting to make political marriage between people of the same gentre legal. There has been a lot of fight and tension from our church and people with no manners or Shane minds. I asked you that question because l support ggdd as a couple in a relationship as barriors of a message as pioneers of something important for China to accept. And l wanted to know how much public support in the form of turtles help them along or make it more difficult. Here as more we support homo. homosexuality we bring thanter and more hate. In February we will know if we made a baby's step in out parliament. Support your ggdd in any way you see tat you really help them and not making it worse on them. They need support Ln the most gentle delicate way. Thank you for baring me.

First of all, it's OK to send me an ask in another language. Don't apologize for feeling better able to express yourself in your first language. I can always machine translate and ask for clarification when I feel I'm missing something (and the asker can clarify if I get anything wrong). Although I think you've done an adequate job of communicating your question here in English.

Second, as I've said many times, people should never read anything into whether I answer their ask or not. It's almost always just a result of me picking easier/quicker questions to answer.

Now, to address the ask.

Your question reflects some misconceptions/misunderstandings about GGDD's situation and about what turtles represent. Some of the topics you're discussing here are not directly related, and I'm going to try to break them down into their component parts for you.

The first and most important thing I can say to you is (and this is really, really key to understanding GGDD and understanding what turtles are in China):

GG and DD are not representatives of the queer community, and turtles are not a political movement.

Quite the contrary. I think it's fair and accurate to say that GG and DD, and by extension turtles, actively take steps to avoid being seen as part of a political movement, queer movement, protest movement or human rights movement.

(In fact, unfortunately many turtles are actually not particularly LGBTQ-friendly, don't support queer rights or gay marriage, and don't even consider GG and DD to be gay/queer. Many believe GG and DD are only 'gay' for each other, which is homophobic and a reflection of poor sex education).

It's essential for their own safety that GG and DD are not seen as political movement in China, or as figureheads of the queer rights movement. The Chinese government and even a sizable percentage of the public at large tend to take a very dim view of anyone who tries to organize and rally around subversive political causes.

Especially the current government, which is very repressive and has been rolling back LGBTQ rights and freedoms and cracking down on queer orgs, shutting down LGBTQ outreach organizations, etc. Pride events and large public gatherings are treated as disruptive protest movements, and have been banned.

There are queer male turtles in China who actively avoid openly identifying as turtles in order to protect the fandom from being seen as a queer rights movement.

Turtles are a fandom and are categorized and treated that way both by turtles and by passersby. Just a fandom of 'cute young girls' clowning over some handsome boys they ship together.

It's important that it stays that way. GG and DD cannot be seen as leading a movement, they cannot take on the role of leading a movement, and many turtles would likely not even support such a movement.

That's not because GGDD are queer, by the way - although under the current government queerness is becoming in some ways more restricted and frowned upon at least from an official perspective - it's because political movements are frowned upon*.

*That's not to say that Chinese people don't organize or protest around certain causes, but those causes tend to be more municipal or limited in scope. Broader political movements - especially ones that appear to stand against the policies of the current regime - are generally very quickly quashed.

That's also not to say that GG and DD aren't hugely inspiring to queer people all over the world, because they are.

GG and DD do not even present themselves as queer.

This is important to keep in mind. GG and DD are closeted, and are assumed by the public at large to be straight single men. 'Eligible bachelors'. This is a double-edged sword, but ultimately it protects them and protects their careers. Top stars are a lot more marketable if there's a perception of romantic availability, and relationships - even relationship rumors - can have a massively negative impact on a star's career.

Even straight married stars hide their relationship status and present themselves as single for this same reason, and straight married celebrity couples - even ones who are out as being married - who attend industry events will often pretend not to know each other in public (sound familiar?).

Coming out as (or being outed as) married or in a relationship is viewed as career suicide, and a star's numbers, opportunities and popularity will plummet. Not always, but usually. Producers and backers know what sells, and married stars just don't sell as much as hot singles do. Fans will pursue stars that appear to be single, and drop them when they marry or come out with a relationship.

Heteronormativity means the vast majority of people in China will assume GG and DD are straight, and GG and DD will not 'correct' them on that. Quite the opposite, they go along with and even at times might say or do things that help feed the perception that they're straight.

There are almost no LGBTQ public figures in China, and those who are out are not top stars.

As international fans, what we do and think doesn't matter much.

Things that happen in the international fandom are largely irrelevant to people in China, and are almost never going to have any impact whatsoever on GG and DD. What we think about them and what they represent to us is of little consequence to their careers.

For example, the ongoing i-fan debate about colored light banners is a bit of a wank because nobody in the international fandom is ever likely to be at an event where we would have to make decisions about what color of light banner to bring. Our thoughts about colored light banners are utterly irrelevant to the fandom in China.

It's really easy to lose sight of that as an international fan, and get so caught up in and wrapped up in our own ideas and arguments and debates that we forget that nothing we say do or think really has any relevance to GGDD's lives.

Our support for their projects and merchandise and brands, our subscriptions to platforms to view their dramas, our movie tickets, our fan support when they travel internationally... these things do have an impact on them and do matter, but the opinions and political ideas that we might discuss and debate here on Tumblr or even on Twitter are highly unlikely to ever reach their circle or directly impact them, whether positive or negative.

There are some notable exceptions to this. Making candy out of nationalistic posts - particularly posts about events of national mourning or major political significance - is unwise and could potentially backlash on them. More about that in this series of posts from Pie.

I talked about some of the other harmful things we should be avoiding in this post.

But the idea that anything international fans might do or say as turtles might negatively impact GG and DD is - for the most part - not a reflection of reality.

There are valid reasons to believe GG and DD value turtles and take strength from our support.

This fandom has been around for 6 years, and in all that time GG and DD have never sought to shut it down. Other dating rumors, CP, etc. have been shut down over the years, but turtles continue to be the top CP in China and the fandom is constantly growing.

GG and DD have been caught on camera many times reacting positively to turtle light banners.

LRLG rumors - which many turtles believe hold a lot of credibility - have repeatedly depicted GG and DD as enjoying our support, and have at times directly expressed GG and DD's appreciation and gratitude to turtles for our support.

Despite the fact that this fandom is hugely controversial among GG and DD's solo fans and even among some passersby, GG and DD and some of their associates continue to regularly feed us candy. This is something that simply would not happen if we didn't have GG and DD's support.

If we believe BJYXSZD, then it only follows that turtles would mean a lot to GG and DD.

There is a fine balancing act between GGDD and turtles, where we show our support and they feed us, and we all try to keep things light and fly somewhat under the radar.

But turtles aren't 'under the radar at all'. Turtles are an incredibly active, vibrant, loud fandom in China, with big events and public charity work and fan activities and banners and billboards, etc. etc. However, they manage to fly under the radar because they're 'just fans'. They're not a political movement and they're not troublemakers. They're just a bunch of fans having fun together.

They also fly under the radar by being seen as a crazy fringe group, a bunch of deluded clowns. They are underestimated and dismissed because of this, which protects GG and DD.

A lot of turtles wear that proudly because they know that they're acting as a shield for GG and DD. Turtles make it possible for GG and DD to get public support for their relationship without having their relationship outed. Turtles take all the hate and ridicule that's piled on them, so that they can show GG and DD they're loved and supported.

This is one of the things about turtles that is most beautiful and powerful. Turtles stick their necks out every day to support and protect GG and DD.

I talked about that in more detail in this post.

I hope this helps give some context about queer issues as they relate to GG and DD, and to the turtle fandom as a whole. While many people inside and outside China support GGDD and are inspired by them and view them as queer icons, the way they are framed and discussed will differ wildly between the Chinese and international fandoms, and what is said outside of China won't have much of an impact on GGDD. That's for the best.

For my thoughts on the politics of all this, please see this post.

#bjyx #yizhan #ggdd in the public eye #bxg perspectives #bxg ggdd #lgbtpride

[gx-gameon]

DM power point party

My friends and I have done one to many power point parties recently. (An excellent time highly recommend)

But it got me thinking about the DM crew and what they would do for a power point party. Because all it is is info dumping about whatever you want.

Téa: different styles of dance and why you should learn.

Complete with demonstrations.

She makes them all try at least one dance move.

Tristan: which duel monsters I could beat in a fist fight.

He goes hard.

It’s a complete guide of the monsters attack and defense points, as well as any flavor text.

He then says if he would fight them or not “I wouldn’t fight Dark Magician because he’s Yugi’s ace and he wouldn’t fight me, Battle Ox on the other hand is Kaiba’s monster and I’m punching it in the face.”

He tends to states if he could win or not. Some of them are wild over estimations of his own strength but it’s all in good fun.

Yugi: the game I think represents each of you best.

He’s gone through and matched their personalities with different board games.

Some are based on the way they think. Kaiba is strategic so he would get get chess (he would also be low key upset if he didn’t get chess or Duel monsters) although you could also give him a resource management game like Catan, I’d be scared to play Catan with Kaiba

Others are based on vibe alone.

Téa gets a corporative game where the players have to work together to win (something like Magic Maze; a great game!)

Joey would probably also get a team game or a corporative game. He is competitive but he also loves his friends and is very loyal.

This maybe a creative ploy to try and get the others to play more board games with him (as some one who loves board games I approve)

Joey: ranking all the people I’ve dueled by how much they annoy me.

He’s poking fun at everyone. It’s light hearted for the most part, and is not based on any skill.

It’s mostly so he poke fun at Rex, Wevil, and Kaiba who is not impressed.

Joey ranks them from most annoying to least annoying.

Mai takes third. She’s his friend but she can drive him mad in a duel.

“Second is the Pharaoh, you’re always respectful and dramatic but there is one person better than you” Yugi is siting their confused because who’s better thank the Pharaoh but Yami/Atem already knows the answer

The winner is a Yugi his best friend and least annoying person. “Yug’s the best person to duel and my favorite buddy.”

Yami/Atem: Which duel monsters card represent you all best

He knows exactly which monster is their spirit card

He might give 3 option and let them pick their favorite.

He knows what their soul card is but it’s fun for him to give them the option to pick and watch them pick their soul card every time.

Other ideas for Atem

Why I love all of you

Very sweet, thank you Atem.

Yugi would do this to.

modern day things that still confuse me.

It’s actually really fun as he puts things on the screen to tell his friends what he first thought each item was/did

Alternatively if this is after he has his memories “things that would send my Egyptian friends into a coma.”

But it’s Grandpa who’s gets everyone.

He video calls Prof Hawkins in. The Professor was more than happy to do a short power point about his research.

He finishes and asks Solomon what his presentation is. He’s expecting his old friend to do something about games

Solomon smirks as he opens his slides

Why my grandchildren are better than yours

Grandchildren? Let him explain

The next slide is a picture of Yugi “my grandson, the King of Games”

The next slide a picture of Yami/Atem “my other grandson, he was once the Pharaoh of Egypt.”

Atem is greatly touched by the sentiment, but it’s the next slide that gets everyone.

The next slide is a picture of Joey, Téa and Tristian “my adopted grandchildren, Joey is a world class duelist I should know I taught him myself! Téa is going to be a world renowned dancer! And Tristian is an incredible mechanic and sharp shooter (according to the manga) I’m so proud of them.”

The whole group is shocked. Solomon goes along with his presentation, it’s just him boasting about all of their accomplishments to Arthur.

Joey is in tears by the end. “You think of me as your grandson?”

Yugi just smiles at him “of course he does, you’re family.”

#yugi moto #yugi mutou #seto kaiba #pharaoh atem #yami yugi #atem #téa gardner #tristan taylor #joey wheeler #solomon muto #duel monsters #yugioh

[trevenbran]

i really love monstrous regiment. of course there is much to be said on the story's handling of gender, and indeed much has already been said on the topic. but one thing i don't see discussed much is something i picked up on my second read.

the dichotomy between Jackrum and Blouse.

on the first read through, the book was largely a comedy to me. the snark and absurdity, and of course i was too taken with Maladict's hypnotic insouciance to be paying as much attention to the themes of the book as i should have. but on the second read, the book became much more serious, and the themes of war and politics made themselves known. i also came to understand Jackrum and Blouse much better.

jackrum is not just a jolly old soldier keeping his lad's secrets and having a bit of a laugh on the side. he is a hard man, and ruthless. by real word standards, a war criminal (maybe by discworld standards too. i do not know if the disc has a geneva convention to violate.)

and Blouse is not just a clueless schoolboy in a uniform. a bit naive, and inexperienced certainly, but genuinely intelligent, and most crucially, open minded.

jackrum represents the past; tradition, the way it's always been done. he held in his mind the key to progress, but did not use it. preferring to stick to the game he knew, than to attempt to change things for the better. an authoritarian in an authoritarian institution.

Blouse on the other hand, was a force of change. he studied history, sure, and had a respect for the great generals, but he undertook those studies with a mind to innovation. he was consistently thinking outside the box and coming up with strategies that utilized the resources at his disposal (that he knew of) to their best potential rather than fall back on standard army procedure.

indeed it was this that created the most friction between him and jackrum. he refused to play by the rules, and jackrum seriously considered killing him for it. and if he had? the regiment would not have fared nearly so well, and at the end, no one would have been there to insist that they be treated as soldiers, it was Blouse that stood by them as a stalwart ally. so that when jackrum finally arrived on the scene, change was already in motion, and he had no choice but to see his lads through it safe. had their positions been reversed, jackrum would have tried to smooth things over and keep everyone in the closet.

but if jackrum hadn't been there, they wouldn't have survived at all. it was his experience and cunning that saw them through to the end, and his reputation that forced Blouse and the regiment to be taken seriously.

so it's not so simple as jackrum = bad and blouse = good. you cannot have the future without the past, and what are past battles for, if not to secure the future. jackrum lost sight of that for a while, but his little lads reminded him. so on the foundation he laid, Blouse and his soldiers brought a new day to Boragravia, as glorious as a great big fish.

#monstrous regiment #terry pratchett #trevenbran #sergeant jackrum #lieutenant blouse

[mcflymemes]

ASSASSIN'S CREED III PROMPTS *  assorted dialogue from the video game, adjust as necessary

we never took them seriously. maybe we should have.

i'm getting ahead of myself.

we've been fighting them for thousands of years.

i've seen the truth.

it holds the power to change everything.

there's only so much we can do.

if we can't find a way to stop it, these next few weeks will probably be our last.

it worked. we think. we hope.

we're here. let's go.

you must find the key.

here we go again.

do you hear us?

you collapsed and entered into a fugue state.

you weren't in any danger.

i know what i'm looking for, by the way. it's a key.

i'd like to run a couple of quick tests.

have you seen it before?

my father brought me here as a child.

on to business then.

the stairs are watched. you'll need to find another way up.

you should have come to me.

for what it's worth, i'm sorry.

that's why we've called you here.

i am yours to command.

well, then i'd best be on my way.

my research has been stolen. without it, i'm of no use to you.

i'll see if i can't speed things up.

we need to find a way inside.

i believe i've found the solution to our problem.

we'll attack on my signal.

i made a promise to you, [name], one i intend to keep.

the sooner we're done, the sooner we can get out of this cold.

it does not engender peace to cut your way to resolution.

if we applied the sword more liberally and more often, the world would be a better place than it is today.

now i've upheld my part of the bargain, i expect that you will honor yours?

you seem disappointed.

you have shown me great kindness, [name]. thank you.

really? that's your response? it's like dealing with a six year old.

i sense my words cause pain.

do you even know what that symbol represents?

come on. i've got something to show you.

very well. i'll train you.

you're also going to need a new name.

what's true and what is aren't always the same.

you'll be happy to hear there's actually good news for once.

it's silly for us to go back and forth like this.

we cannot give up our home.

do you have a name? do you know who is responsible?

time will tell if you speak the truth.

why are you here? has something happened?

you should have heeded my warning.

perhaps you'll respond better to the sword.

are you threatening us?

i thought it might bring clarity or instill a sense of accomplishment. but all i feel is regret.

such sacrifices must never come lightly.

all of them must be dealt with in turn.

you speak the words, but do you believe them?

takes a true monster to do something like this.

every day i wait, more will suffer.

many who should've died today now live because of you.

we do the best we can with what we've got.

you wield your blade like a man, but your mouth like a child.

there are more important things at stake here.

i do what is right. no more. no less.

i don't even see a stall in here. what if i had to take a dump?

please just mute the microphone if you do.

life is not a fairy tale, and there are no happy endings.

in your haste to save the world, take care you don't destroy it!

our interests are aligned.

perhaps some time together might do us good.

i can kill you now if you prefer.

would you like me to come along and hold your hand, perhaps?

why the change of heart? where is this coming from?

you oppose tyranny. injustice. these are just symptoms. their true cause is human weakness.

you have said so much... but you have shown me nothing.

tell me of your latest exploits.

you have not come this far to throw it all away over misplaced sentiment.

there is nothing more to discuss.

i should have stayed.

now you must hide it.

what once was shall be again.

#rp meme #rp memes #roleplay memes #rp prompt #rp starters #roleplay prompt #ask meme #ask memes #roleplay meme #writing prompts #writing prompt #rp asks #askbox meme #roleplay inbox prompts #rp inbox meme #inbox prompt #inbox meme #sentence starter #sentence starters #sentence starter prompt #mcflymemes #assassin's creed #i watched the entire playthrough to get these quotes.... #so don't leave this hanging

[deathlieteez]

ATTENTION (4/5)

yunho x reader

♡ attention series masterlist ♡ ┋chapter 1┋chapter 2.1┋chapter 2.2┋chapter 3.1┋chapter 3.2

chapter 4: heaven and back. when you finally met yunho that Saturday night, he confess the reason why he's acting that weird, and it is not going to be a bliss to your heart. feeling more lost than ever, you let yourself be drawn into whatever the night has to offer, though it seems to end up being much more than you can control.

appears: yunho as your exboyfriend x femb!reader + choi seungcheol (seventeen) x son chaeyoung as ur bests friends + yoon jeonghan (seventeen) as ur friend + chwe hansol vernon (seventeen) as seungcheol's friend

genre: angst. college au.

warning: cursing, mean/heartbroken reader, mean/heartbroken yunho, petnames, using/abusing of drugs (don't!!!!!!!), cheating.

word count: 9.1k (oops)

intentional use of lowercase letter

english is not my mother tongue

the chapter is called heaven and back because is sighly based on the chase atlantic's song

songs i get inspired by: heaven and back - chase atlantic + you broke me first- tate mcrae + the grudge - olivia rodrigo + falling - harry styles + creepin' - the weeknd + if you want love - nf + sorry, i love you - stray kids + we go down together - dove cameron ft. khalid + remember that night? - sara keys

the one i recommed the most to read it is the loneliest by maneskin

it is not meant to be representative of jeong yunho's personality or any ateez or another groups' idols who appeared ♡

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘♡⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

see you tonight.

yunho's absence and message made your morning into something infinite. got out of bed as if you had spent the whole night drinking, but what actually felt was a terrible emotional hangover. the memory of yunho haunted you as if he had never left, and almost had the damn sensation of his lips going all over your skin, as well as that sweet smell of his still stuck in your nostrils. his attitude was strange enough in itself to leave you thinking all day, but if you added the idea that he had been with another woman close enough to leave her scent on him, and the fucking fact that he had left you alone in bed after you let him spend the night for the first time after so many pleas, it was going to drive you crazy. was literally all you could think about all morning. it was, in fact, what you were thinking about when your doorbell rang, being so immersed in the memory of your fucking ex that the fright was such that you threw the coffee cup, which you'd been stirring for twenty minutes now while leaning against the kitchen counter, onto the floor. "shit!" you grunt for a moment before the doorbell rings again, and several times in a row "coming, i'm coming!" had absolutely no idea who it was, but it did nothing but fuck your mood even more.

you were very surprised to see that it was chaeyoung. well, an exaggeratedly angry version of chaeyoung. if thought you were in a bad mood, you were a puppy next to your best friend at that moment "i didn't come in just in case that asshole's still here. you better hide him, because i'll chew him up and spit him in the toilet, and u're next" she said pointing her index finger at you, still not crossing the threshold of the door. you sighed, stepping to the side to let her know she could come in.

"easy beast, he's not here." she snorted, entering your house in a bad temper. you couldn't blame her, but she had a lot of things to blame you. followed her into the kitchen, feeling slightly anxious. the only times you had ever seen chaeyoung like that was always when was involved with yunho, yunho's friends or the university. you had never been her target. you knew for a fact how much she loved you, in a practically sisterly way, so you understood perfectly why she practically left a trail of flames wherever she passed by. you would have appeared the same, or worse "careful, there's glass on the floor" you warn, she automatically grabbed several paper napkins and bent down to wipe the huge coffee stain on the floor. you imitated her.

"i've called tons of times, and left lots of messages." she accused, you sighed "the least you could do is call me back" looked at her with a mixture of shame and embarrassment building up in the pit of your stomach. you couldn't say anything, because she was right. not only had you blown them off the night before, but ignored them all and with no reasons. that's probably why seungcheol wasn't with chaeyoung to find out what happened after he left. he was too upset to show up at your house, and it was more than clear that he would have told chaeyoung why you didn't go to the club.

"m so sorry" you mumble, "wasn't in the mood. know that's no excuse, but…"

"but nothing. it's already awfully wrong for that guy to show up at your house at night, but to be ignoring us for him? girl, it sucks" she accuses again and you nod, as if you were being scolded by your older sister "i don't understand how you could even let him into your house, after everything that's happened".

"you know we've been seeing each other, chae" you swallowed after materializing it in words for the first time to someone other than yourself or yunho himself.

"yeah" she groaned in annoyance "but thought u guys fucked at parties or something, not that you let him get into your house?"

"we're all grown up now, chaeyoung" you sigh, picking up a few pieces of glass again, trying not to cut yourself and in the process avoiding her gaze. she stood up, throwing away a handful of soggy papers and picking up a few more to continue drying the floor.

"oh really? well doesn't look like it" she then growls "look, u can fuck whoever u want, but be consequent. u can't just disappear the whole night and leave us all worrying"

"i'm really sorry" repeated "it was a bit of a weird night" you confess once finished collecting all the crystals, cutting a small awkward silence "did u have a good time at least?" chaeyoung denied.

"cheol came in pretty upset, he told us what happened and we tried to call you several times after a while. still were going to stay, but then we saw yunho's little friends and seungcheol didn't want to continue the night. he and han went home together and i went home with jihyo" she related, making you sigh again.

"they didn't say anything to any of you, have they?" she denied, you nodded in relief.

"you know how overprotective he is with you and the whole thing with those guys" threw away the last handful of papers once the floor was finally clean, grabbing another cup from your cupboard and a capsule of coffee "at least tell me what's going on, and what happened last night".

so you did. recounted in detail everything that had happened, from the episode at the emergency exit, to yunho dumping that girl for you, and ending with the night before. you put special emphasis on one detail "he smelled like another chick!?" she practically shouted, you dropped your back on the back of the couch and nodded "he finished being with some chick and came to see u?" he snorted "i thought he couldn't, but he get even more scraggly. he must have been training"

"he's coming tonight" you confessed, causing chaeyoung's eyes to practically pop out of their holes.

"and you're even dumber, i see."

"wanna see him, chae."

"that's the first sign why you shouldn't do it. never again. fuck him. but no literally!"

you'd love to say that the conversation with your best friend did some good. that you took matters into your own hands and wrote yunho to tell him you didn't want him around, that he should stay the fuck home. but the reality was much different, much sadder and, from chaeyoung's point of view, ridiculous. your friend didn't understand what it was about this guy that kept you so interested, and you didn't exactly know either. but if there was ever a time when you really felt the need to see him, it was that night. his attitude and that message had to mean something, and it's not like you were able to ignore everything you felt while being with him.

luckily, now that you had finally been completely honest with her, chaeyoung decided she wouldn't leave you alone and tried her best to keep your mind off yunho, almost like the first time she had to deal with what he left of you when he cheated. it worked for a few hours, but as the time approached when you had to get ready to leave, it became clear how the anxiety was eating away at your confidence. you checked your cell phone every few moments, feraring a message from him, or maybe even hoping for one. chae watched you worriedly. she knew for sure that the time when you would relapse would come. yunho would be a problem again, because you two were in love and it didn't end well. one of you would come crawling back, but she hoped it wouldn't be you and that when he did, you would kick him back to his house.

"so can i borrow the black one then?" she asked with her head dipped in your closet. you laughed again, affirming with a guttural sound while trying not to go too overboard with the lip liner "great! i was looking forward to trying it on. it's so pretty!"

"just had to ask for it" you tell her once you finish filling in your lips in a gorgeous burgundy shade matching the dress you wore that night, and which didn't go unnoticed by your friend.

"how is it possible that u been looking like shit all day and now you look like you came out of a magazine?" she grunts, making you laugh again "it's cute" commented, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking at your reflection in the glass of the dressing table. you were doing the same, trying to gain confidence in your image. knew you looked pretty, but didn't feel particularly well. "haven't worn it in a while, have you?" chaeyoung asked, getting your attention. you look at her a little confused "the dress" you smile faintly at her, nodding.

didn't really wanted to have to explain it to her, but the outfit you were wearing that night was a real statement of intent, because it was exactly the same one you had the night you met yunho. it was still quite nice, a little less revealing than what you've been wearing lately, but sexy enough to fit a night like that. telling chaeyoung something like that would end up driving her crazy, but the truth is that you were wearing it hoping yunho would remember the dress. as you looked at yourself wearing it in the mirror, remembered all the times he told you how beautiful you looked and how much he loved the dress. he even asked you to wear it again several times throughout the relationship, but saved it for a special occasion because it meant so much to you. didn't know why, but that night you needed the confidence that dress gave you. it was probably a mistake, but you would do it anyway.

it wasn't too long before you arrived at the same place that had already visited countless times, and where the story with your ex was awakened with a fuck at the emergency exit of the reserved area. you felt a little better when you let the lively atmosphere captivate you, letting yourself be carried away by the incredibly cheerful and energetic attitude of your best friend, who guided you to the same place as always, where your friends were already waiting.

the first thing you did was apologize to all of them, and especially to seungcheol, who didn't take more than a few seconds to fall for your charms and your puppy face to hug you and kiss your forehead, even though he made you promise not to do something like that to them again "a message is enough. just want to know you're okay". the way it had started, the night had potential. and you could have taken advantage of it; you could have drunk, danced and laughed with the amazing friends you had at your disposal. you could have even tried to meet someone new, like the guy at the bar who had left his number on a napkin he shamelessly gave you, because didn't need one and hadn't asked for, during one of the many times you visited the bar in such a ridiculously short period of time. just like went to the bathroom, to smoke with jeonghan -when you didn't even smoke- and any excuse that was plausible enough and allowed you to browse the place as many times as possible, in search of a single person. of course, your friends asked you if everything was all right, but with the help of chaeyoung, who knew what was going on and didn't want to worry them, you distracted them. it was about one in the middle of the night when you finally saw him appear in the crowd, looking particularly handsome that night. he wore a white yarn sweater, the collar quite wide, revealing his collarbone, beautifully decorated with a couple of necklaces and highlighting the width of his shoulders. his hair was apparently messy, but you knew that he had probably spent a long time in front of the mirror checking every strand, and it had certainly paid off.

you didn't even try to find an excuse to meet him that time. just jumped up and left the reserved area, not listening to any of your friends' questions. from the stairs you could see him reaching a table at the down floor, where a couple of girls were sitting that you didn't remember seeing before. noticed him greeting one of them with a kiss on the cheek, bringing that smell back to your memory, but made sure to ignore the idea that crossed your mind and faded as soon as you saw him looking for you in the reserved area himself. he approached the stairs as you went down, so you decided to wait at the end of them "finally!" you said almost without breaking, sounding a little - too - excited to see him. yunho was about to speak, but your impatience interrupted him with a soft kiss on the lips that was confused to say the least, swallowing his words, not even sure what he wanted to say to you. with a sincere smile, you pulled his wrist to a corner a little further away from his friends and yours, a little further away from the crowd, and while he was still silent, you allowed yourself to kiss him again, leaning your back against the dark wall of the room. took a few seconds for yunho to react, feeling a slight panic sweep through his body, but deciding to surrender to you again. it was much easier to be carried away by your lips, so he brought one of his hands to your waist while cradled your neck with the other to deepen the kiss. felt as if the night before had not ended, as if the truce you had happily signed yesterday had continued to stand against all odds. "took a long time, yuyu" said to him as you separated to get some oxygen. he didn't even open his eyes before kissing you again.

he pressed his body closer to yours, breathing into your lips and making you feel like you're in a damn cloud9. buried both hands in his hair, stroking him as if to calm him, "hi" mumbled over your lips. actually, you didn't even hear it, you guessed it.

"been waiting for you" you confessed, not even thinking about how your attitude let yunho look a little deeper into you. "thought you wouldn't come" he remained silent, looking into your eyes like trying to find something. in fact, he was looking for some sign of remorse, of hatred, of resentment, of anger. some trace of everything you were giving him all this time, but he found in you nothing more than a honest desire to see him. he sighed heavily and took some distance from you, though his hands never left your body, going up to your face to cradle it once more. you held his wrists and smiled sweetly, "don't have a very good face, yuyu" you stated, looking genuinely concerned, "u ok?" yunho felt his chest shrink as the sweetness colored your words.

it was like you were doing it on purpose, as if you were fighting with your last ace to keep him close. he had worked hard to get to this point, he had fought against everything he felt so that would be moderately comfortable with what was about to happen. but it would only be fine if you continued to be a fucking bitch to him, one who didn't seem to care about anything. now that you looked at him as if you really wanted to be with him, as if you cared about his well-being and kissed him so lovingly, how could he say something like that to you? how could he not grab the last burning nail that was your relationship?

"no, i'm not well" he confessed. you took a careful breath and gently changed your sweet expression to a worried one. something was really wrong.

"here, let's sit" you suggest, pointing to the high chairs a few feet away "and maybe i can help you" if he didn't know you well enough, yunho would swear that you were trying to torture him playing with his feelings to trap him in your web so he would never leave you. but in actual fact, you were genuinely concerned about him and wanted to help him. reaching the chairs, without letting go of his hands, you sit facing each other. legs are intertwined, you only have to move a little closer to kiss him again, which you did, "come on sweetie, tell me".

"why 're u treating me so well?" he asked suddenly, almost burning with the torture of having you so close again.

you pursed your lips, tilting your head with a shy smile, "don't know" confessed this time, "yesterday was a nice day, i guess" yunho sighed with the memory of your naked body hugging his all night, making him feel like the fucking worst person in the whole earth.

"i have been waiting for you to look at me like this for a long time" with a weak and deep voice, it comes out almost in a wail "it is not fair that you act like this today" you looked at him with some confusion while he avoided your eyes as much as he could. instead, he look at your body without taking a second to notice what you're wearing. a grimace of sarcasm crossed his face, and he couldn't help but think that what you were trying to do to him must be some kind of heavy joke.

"today? what's happening today?"

"i've been doing the best that i can for about, how long, maybe a year?" his voice rises slightly and you can hear some bitterness in it. by contrast, yunho never lets go of your hands, making the grip harder and focus all the attention on them laying over the dress you are wearing "i have respected your space and accepted all the times you kicked me away" he said, you parted your lips without knowing exactly what to say, feeling more confused by the moment "gave you love whenever u were around, just to make u feel wanted and wash away what i did" you blinked several times, trying to pull your hands away, but he held them firmly, "went where you wanted, when you wanted, even when i knew you were doing with other guys" he sighed heavily, sharpening his gaze and finally looking at you. "needed to see me so fucked up to empathize with me a little? or did you realize that you still love me?"

when he looked into your eyes, you didn't like what you saw. no clue if all that anger and pain had always been there or if something you are missing had happened and yunho was actually in pain. the only thing you were sure about was that your patience was too thin to keep listening to him, and the sarcasm of his words didn't help at all. or did you realize that you still love me?

you yanked hard from his hands, surprising him but managing to escape his grip. denied with a bitter smile before said "let it go, it was a mistake", you said it out loud, but those words were more for you than for him. wanted to leave it there now that you still had some will to have a good night, but suddenly yunho realized he couldn't let you go that easily. the pride he had been swallowing all this time returned all at once and he was not willing to let you be the one to decide the course of the conversation again. yunho had come to this place with a damned purpose, and he was going to fulfill it whether you wanted or not. he stopped you down impulsively, grabbed your wrist and pulled back towards him. almost crashed into his chest, but you reacted quickly and put a hand on his shirt, pushing him back "what's wrong with u?"

"with me!?" he opened his eyes as if you had told him the most savage thing he had ever heard in his life, "the problem here is you!" suddenly yunho grabbed your shoulders and pushed you back against the wall, surrounding you with both arms into a corner so he can look down on you. it felt like you were tiny, and that wasn't what you needed that night, "come to me like you need to see me, kiss me, care about me, and in that fucking dress!" you looked away from him when his breath crash into your face so aggressively, because yunho was yelling, almost out of control and too close for your comfort. caught your breath to regulate the tension in your chest, feeling slightly dizzy. you looked like a prey, trapped under your ex's harsh and unforgiving voice, full of resentment "am a joke to u? wearing this on just to hurt me, yeah?" he growled. despite the toughness of his words, yunho was far from feeling tough inside. he was pushing himself to the limit, trying to contain a huge amount of emotions that he did not know how to handle at a time like this, when he had you in front of him and the person he decided to commit to just a few steps away, waiting for him.

when he got up in the morning next to you, had a feeling that he holds the world in his hands again. he barely slept through the night and made sure to stay close to you as long as possible, watching you as you rested, with your chest rising and falling gently, your peaceful face and your body completely relaxed. no tension, no fighting and no bitterness. you were an angel - his angel -, and he told himself he was the luckiest man in the world to be able to watch such a spectacle. yunho also realized you still had some habits, such as sleeping on your right side - which made yunho get used to sleeping on his left side so he could hug you -; you still talked a bit at night, and still hadn't given up your eagerness to steal his blanket whenever you had the chance. but his favorite, which he treasured as a precious memory, and which he loved to see you kept, was your adorable need to cuddle at night. he wondered more than once if you'd gotten over it because didn't have him anymore, or if you were holding plush animals like you once told him you did before living together. now that he had you there, tied to his torso as if you never wanted him to leave, he was afraid to even breathe too hard in case you moved and let him go. it was hard for him to give in to sleep, but was overly nice to see you again when he woke up. sure, you moved and were no longer holding him, but you were holding his hand. really seemed that you needed any contact with him as much as he needed you to do it.

knowing he must go while you were still asleep, he tempted his fate and stayed for almost an hour. the thought of leaving you was killing him, and his tears were the only witness, but it was better to go for himself than to let you push him again. was certainly sure he couldn't take it after having you this way again. he worked hard to convince himself that it was best to get away from you and trust her. she was good for him, but you weren't, because you could offer him nothing but nostalgia and the ghost of the woman he fell in love with. yunho told himself that the last night you spent together was almost a mirage, a kind of truce he had signed with you, but that it expired as soon as the sun rose on the horizon. so you wouldn't want him there anymore then, not knowing you haven't forgive him yet. he needed to stop blaming himself because you didn't want him anymore, to stop punishing himself with your kisses and your fleeting caresses, no matter how sweet they were. she looked like a white promise at the end of all this agony. couldn't even believe that she was giving him a second chance after what he had done to her for you, but he told himself he wouldn't mess it up this time, that would let you go and that you wouldn't suffer because you were really just playing with him. yunho wouldn't have to see you cry and he wouldn't cry for you anymore.

what he did not expect was to see you the next day in that dress that meant so much to both of us, taking him back to the night you met, while your eyes showed him a genuine illusion to see it again. he could even see the pain in your pupils as his voice, against all odds, became much harsher. he should hate you, but he hated himself instead "yunho, enough. wanna leave".

"oh, u want to go now?" he insisted, making you swallow hard while see him shocking his head many times "please tell me what you want from me" you looked him in the eyes again, an uncertain gaze locked with his. could barely make out the colors of his face in the dim light of the room, but you could clearly see the damage in his look, "can't take it anymore" he almost sobbed, dropping his head down to the floor "i can't keep paying for what i did. need u to stop punishing me, it's not fair to either of us anymore" locked out, the air was missing and could only feel the strong fragrance that yunho wore that night clouding your senses. you tried to concentrate on his words, but they only hurt. it was as if he had hit you so hard that all you could hear was a hollow and annoying sound. yunho kept talking to you, becoming more and more impatient with your silence, and in the midst of all the dull noise, your face began to fall as his words began to sink in. you thought coldly about what he was really telling you and a sour taste grew in your throat. you'd swear you'd fall to the ground if yunho hadn't left you barely space to breathe, intoxicating you with his accusations.

"yunho" mumbled, sealing his lips so he could hear you after trying to get your attention so much "if u don't like it, just leave" your head remained a little bowed, as if the neck couldn't bear the weight, so you looked at him from below "fair, you say?" snorted in denial as you closed your eyes again "know what's not fair? your boyfriend cheating on you, and knowing about it by a pic that someone sent of him kissing that fucking chick. that's not fair" yunho was going to say something, but you cut him off "it's neither fair that you came home the next morning and covered yourself with a lie, not fair that you kissed me with the same mouth that you kissed another girl the night before. that you came home every morning of every weekend without feeling the slightest bit of guilt until i discovered you, that's not fucking fair" yunho stepped back a little, letting you breathe a bit easier "it's also not fair the fact u forced seven fucking people who were also my friends to lie to me to cover up your fucking betrayal" looked at him again "know what it was like for me to lose u and all of them at once? that. is. not. fair" you spitted bitterly, punctuating every word "i saw the person i trusted the most taking away those we considered our friends, and yet you also took away my first love, my home, and everything i felt for u" here they were again, the tears piling up and threatening to wet yunho's cheeks, while you felt like tearing out every piece of yourself, every single night you spent awake missing him. you were now throwing them out in the form of all the conclusions you came to between cries and tears "so if you think what's happening is unfair, you'd better go and leave me alone for good" you were angry, and your words were not what really was in your heart, but weren't able to control yourself in the same way that he wasn't able to. however, also failed to calculate the consequences of what you just said.

"that's exactly what 'm trying to do" he replied, now at a safe distance from you.

"how do u say?" despite the word just spitted, you were incredulous.

"'m leaving you, leaving this" his cold gaze froze your body "i am tired, tired of you" he confessed. didn't even know how you felt at that time, but yunho wasn't finished with you yet "i've met someone, and i think i like this girl, but need to be away from you to find out" that was the masterstroke. the last words he needed to end you, with everything you had built since decided to focus on yourself, everything you had risked to bring him back into your life. even though you had managed to recover from all the hits he had soothed you with his words, there was no turning back from what he had just said so easily.

words sharp as blades pierced your whole body mercilessly, straight from the same lips that kissed you so lovingly just moments ago. you clearly heard something inside breaking again. i'm tired of you. his voice echoed in your head, as if he would never stop shouting it in your ear, over and over again, like a damned mantra he'd decided to tattoo on your skin. yunho knew for real he was being cruel, he watched almost in slow motion how your pride faded away as the light in your eyes started to dim, but he couldn't help his mouth breathing away what his broken heart was crying out.

the strident music fades and instead you only hear this one sentence and a high-pitched sound drowns your eardrums, you have the feeling that they will even start to bleed if you try to say something else, but all your pride has vanished with your breath. you have nothing more to say, and even if you tried, would not be able to hear a single word, so you close your eyes and try to erase yunho from your mind, but of course, his silhouette appears in the darkness of your eyelids, smiling and laughing at you, reminding the horrible person you are. felt so out of place, so confused and lost in a feeling of incorrigible pain, even greater than the first time yunho left, that don't even know how you have returned to the side of your friends. when you figure it out, you're sitting next to them and they're talking to each other as if you weren't there. inside, everything fell apart. on the outside, your face remained blank, almost serene. you craved to scream, wanted to find yunho again and shout him that it was all his fault.

the image of your boyfriend, with whom you even shared an apartment, kissing another girl, along with the certainty that he had been hiding it for god knows when, still burning inside your eyes and were not exaggerating when you said that it was the first time you felt the pain of a betrayal, added to the pain of a broken heart and the sudden loneliness. well, if you had to be completely honest with yourself, you hadn't handled what happened right, and had to admit that you were cruel. but within the pain you felt at that moment, the idea that it was yunho who had broken you to such an extreme, that it was yunho who was wrong first, who broke you and all that you were, shone more brightly in your head.

your gaze wandered from one side to another. the floor, the ceiling, the round table in the center of your seats, filled with full and empty glasses, the distand and happy faces of your friends, seungcheol holding one of your hands and giving you a loving grimace… the neon red of the exit sign where you fell into yunho's arms again.the light soon blinded you slightly, feeling your gaze begin to unfocus as the bright red dazzled you and tears unconsciously welled up at the edge of your pupils. memories of your ex filled your blurred vision, pulling you away from reality and back to the image of his lips on yours, begging you to stay a little longer. his hands craving around your skin, trying to keep you close. now all that was gone. i think i love that girl, but i need to be away from you to know. and to think that you had stayed devoted to his arms, while he sought solace in another girl.

when you were able to refocus your gaze, found yourself looking at yunho's table in the distance. everyone seemed perfectly happy, including your ex, who was hugging who you assumed was the girl that took him away from you, who was winning his heart, the same heart had been your home " honey, is everything okay?" when you heard seungcheol's voice, suddenly realized you are already truly crying, feeling the happiness of those boys as a direct attack on you. why, if you were the victim, were the only one still suffering? "baby, look at me" seungcheol quickly located where your gaze was heading and gently picked up your chin to force you to stop hurting yourself, trying to comfort you with a warm smile and a kiss on the forehead.

"guess 'm not at my peak" you let out a chuckle far from funny and wiped away your tears.

with his thumb, seungcheol caressed your wet cheek and raised both eyebrows "we have two options. i can take you home, you'll take a shower, we'll watch anything on tv and i promise i'll play your hair until you fall asleep if it'll make you feel better" the smile grew natural on your lips, provoking a similar one on his face. he couldn't help it even if he wanted to and he wouldn't; sex or not, you were his best friend and one of the most important person in his life since you both were able to open up to each other, understand each other, support each other and care for each other. he had met many people in his life because he was someone of a social nature, but with you it was a crush in any sense you wanted to take it. he was sure that whatever you could offer him would be enough, because loved you sincerely and would prove it "or you can stay here with all of us, try to enjoy the night and not let anything or anyone else get the better of you" knew perfectly well what his words meant, because he wasn't stupid and no matter how much you had tried to hide it, he clearly saw something big going on with yunho, and confirmed it as soon as he saw you unable to take your eyes off him and that beautiful girl he wouldn't let go even for a stand second "both options are valid and in both i promise not to leave you alone at any time. it's up to you" you took a breath with lips sealed, biting them slightly at your pathetic image going home early for a fucking cheating guy, who was also happily a few meters away enjoying himself after breaking your heart for the second time.

you wondered if you were too naive, if you really didn't know him that well and those looks full of love and pleading he so often gave when you were together were nothing but pure show, a fake better than yours designed to fuck up your life even more. was yunho so cruel, so cold and manipulative? that night, you needed to believe that he was.

"think i can give this place a second chance today" you spoke unsure of your decision, but willing to at least give it a try. yunho couldn't stop you, wouldn't let him, and you knew that seungcheol was ready to help with that.

"that's my girl" he said, kissing your cheek "in that case, i have something for you" you watched as he pulled out his wallet from his denim jacket, showing you a small black baggie that brought a new smile to your face "are you in?"

"sharing is for pretty people" chaeyoung appeared at your back, holding out her hand to seungcheol, who laughed and didn't fail to leave a small white pill in the palm of her hand, but to you he put it straight into your mouth, with a greedy smirk that you were quite used to and that made you slightly fall into his game. you stuck out your tongue slowly, where he left the pearl while looking at your eyes, brushing your tongue with his fingers and listening to him saying again that's my girl but, this time, several octaves lower.

however, cheol didn't move any more cards in that direction with you afterwards, again respecting your boundaries, which you were extremely grateful for. if you had to take it out on your best friend, you didn't want to do it. it seemed like playing dirty, even though you knew for a fact that he'd be more than glad to offer himself to the cause. it wouldn't happen, but his attitude helped to immerse you in the night.

while you waited patiently - as long as you could - for the substances to take effect in your system, you tried to distract yourself with literally anything. smiled, talked to all your friends at the table, joked even with them and tried to laugh heartily when the others did, but your attempts were not enough to contain your fucking curiosity and the inertia to satiate it by looking back to yunho's table.

sometimes, he wasn't there and you could only see his friends, because she was never there if he wasn't. you'd even swear that, on a couple of occasions, yunho looked in your direction too, but couldn't say for sure because, when you got that feeling, you looked away like a fucking coward. the last time it happened, your eyes ran to the bottom of your empty glass, and the need to cover your shame with alcohol fills your patience. obviously, you asked cheol to come to get another drink, and fulfilling his promise, he took your hand and walked with you downstairs to the bar. the crowd was heavy that night, which wouldn't bother you on any other occasion, but on this one felt the anxiety fill your lungs and keep the oxygen out. to make matters worse, a guy a little shorter than cheol walked up to him. you saw them hugging and understood immediately that they hadn't seen each other for a long time "babe, give me a minute. pay for the drinks, today it's on me" he took out his wallet again and put it in your hands "you'll be fine" you nodded with a smile, knowing would be very selfish if you told him otherwise "i'll be right back" cheol kissed your hand lightly before disappearing into the crowd. the thought of running into yunho, that girl or one of his friends hit your mind immediately afterwards, and had to take a deep breath not to run upstairs, because you didn't feel confident enough to face any of them, especially not your damn ex. luckily, you were served quickly and soon had full glasses in hands, so you opened cheol's wallet to pay the bill. that's when you met up again with the little black baggie.

the idea inevitably crossed your mind. looked around to find the people and the music were thick and mingled inside you with heaviness, feeling genuinely overwhelmed and the night didn't seem to be getting any better. although you'd already had one, this time it hadn't had any effect, so maybe… a second pill wouldn't be such a bad idea, would it? before you could think clearly - and realize that it was a terrible idea - you had the pill in your teeth, putting the bag back in seungcheol's wallet, who appeared seconds later accompanied by the same guy from earlier. you sighed, honestly a little uneasy because it was the first time you'd taken two pills in one night, but were too sober to stay on your feet. had run out of any strategy to keep you distracted and your gaze kept coming back to yunho and that damn girl over and over again. you were afraid of being too obvious, starting to cry again, or that some guy in that fucking group would notice you staring at them. "vernon, meet my favourite girl" the presentations were short, but pleasant. you soon find out that he's actually american and has been living there for a while, so it was great to see cheol again, a feeling that soon rubbed off on you. he was a really strange guy, but funny and very, very nice.

after talking to vernon for a while, which really kept you distracted - wouldn't be lying if you said that meeting him was almost a promise that the night could get better - it wasn't long before you finally felt your body react chemically. no clue if it was the fact that you were a little more relaxed, or that the dose was already high enough to have an effect on someone who was already used to a single pill, but suddenly, felt energetic and some kind of adrenaline rush hit you, along with the urge to expend that shot of electricity by partying for real. pulling your new friend along towards the same destination, the rest soon followed, tired from sitting on those leather couches all night. when finally made your way through the crowd of people, the music vibrated through your body, causing you to crack a smile that felt like it would tear at the corner of your lips. you knew yunho was close, but at that moment, didn't give a shit, focusing on nothing but your breathing becoming heavy in your chest as you jumped on the track, your heart pumping so fast that couldn't count the beats even if you wanted to.

at the height of the ecstasy you were experiencing for the first time, it felt like hours had passed, but in actual fact it only took two or three songs for the situation to change radically. in one of your little hops to the music, you clearly felt your knees failing to break your fall, and if it hadn't been for vernon and seungcheol's quicker arms, you would have crashed to the floor along with your glass, which shattered into pieces. it wasn't a big deal, and if you were in your senses, would have laughed at the situation and the fact that had already broken two glasses in one day. but not right then.

right then, you felt like every single look in thet club was falling on you. the hollow sound of glass crashing on the floor deafened you for a moment, and you could only focus on all those judgmental stares on your body, as if they knew you had just fucked up. as if they knew you had been dumped for someone else, that you were high and that, in reality, you would rather have taken cheol's first offer and gone home to rest and cry all the broken feelings pouring out of your heart. your breathing, once heavy, now became scarce. you had to hold on tightly to vernon's arm, who brought both hands to your sides to give you balance "beautiful, are you okay?" cheol asked you and you looked him practically panic-stricken in the eyes. you wanted to say no, that your heart was going too fast but you had no strength in either leg. you then tried to speak, but sickness built up in the pit of your stomach, causing a gag and forcing you to cover your mouth with a hand and only deny it.

seungcheol's reaction was, thankfully, fast. he whispered something in vernon's ear that you couldn't hear and gave you a quick smile before he disappeared running, or trying to, into the crowd. so far, you had been drinking quite a lot and quite possibly too much, so he opted not to waste a second trying to help. you wanted to follow him, confused and increasingly dizzy, but vernon held you tightly and forced a hand around his waist for a better grip "he'll be back. come with me upstairs" spoke in your ear. he broke away, looking at your legs slightly bent under your own weight "can u walk?" you nodded, gripping his waist even tighter before starting to move.

right then, you felt like every single look in thet club was falling on you. the hollow sound of glass crashing on the floor deafened you for a moment, and you could only focus on all those judgmental stares on your body, as if they knew you had just fucked up. as if they knew you had been dumped for someone else, that you were high and that, in reality, you would rather have taken cheol's first offer and gone home to rest and cry all the broken feelings pouring out of your heart. your breathing, once heavy, now became scarce. you had to hold on tightly to vernon's arm, who brought both hands to your sides to give you balance "beautiful, are you okay?" cheol asked you and you looked him practically panic-stricken in the eyes. you wanted to say no, that your heart was going too fast but you had no strength in either leg. you then tried to speak, but sickness built up in the pit of your stomach, causing a gag and forcing you to cover your mouth with a hand and only deny it.

seungcheol's reaction was, thankfully, fast. he whispered something in vernon's ear that you couldn't hear and gave you a quick smile before he disappeared running, or trying to, into the crowd. so far, you had been drinking quite a lot and quite possibly too much, so he opted not to waste a second trying to help. you wanted to follow him, confused and increasingly dizzy, but vernon held you tightly and forced a hand around his waist for a better grip "he'll be back. come with me upstairs" spoke in your ear. he broke away, looking at your legs slightly bent under your own weight "can u walk?" you nodded, gripping his waist even tighter before starting to move.

you had never experienced this feeling before. your legs were not responding and could clearly feel your body getting heavier by second, along with the involuntary bouncing of your head, like you had been drinking uncontrollably all night. it got worse as you approached the stairs, each step becoming a world, "there is not much left" vernon said, trying to cheer you up. you could see how was struggling not to fall down the stairs pulling your weight up, and couldn't help but feel stupid and helpless, because your head seemed to be working quite fast, with some clarity, but no part of your body wanted to cooperate. it was only when vernon finally managed to drop you into one of the couches in the reserved area that the fear really took over. every muscle in your body was so numb that you barely felt it, "easy, stay easy, you're fine" vernon knelt down in front of you to be at the height of your face, holding your hands and trying to comfort you. then he approached your face, looking closely at your pupils, trying not to be too obvious. didn't want to think about it, he wanted to be wrong. but either fortunately or not, vernon was quite sure of what was happening to you, and even though he tried to calm you down, because he also knew that it would be much worse if you found out, he was scared, and the deep black that suffocated your iris did not help.

seungcheol finally arrived with several small bottles of water and a tiny towel he had to ask for at the bar. you listened with a certain distance as vernon explained that your body was practically dead and you swore that you could hear your friend's heart racing as he realized how bad it really was at that point. you wanted to ask what was happening, but couldn't find any voice and only had the ability to cry, which you did when you saw cheol giving you a look of panic. he sat down on a chair in front of you and took both of your hands "hey, don't cry, don't cry" he began "i've called chaeyoung, we'll be leaving soon" you nodded in tears "but first u have to be honest with me, okay?" nodded again "did u drink something u didn't buy yourself? or any of us?" you denied this time, cheol sighed in relief "so you drank a lot then?" denied again. well, you actually drank a lot, but not enough to have you that bad.

"cheol, it's not alcohol, she's high" the music still raged in your ears and your senses weren't working properly, but you could hear vernon clearly. his words hit you like a bucket of cold water, making you cry even harder.

"high? like, drugged?" cheol repeated, notoriously confused. he was dead sure he had only given you a single pill, nothing you hadn't done a thousand times before.

"did u give her anything?" vernon denied, "nothing" he spoke honestly, "but these symptoms are not from drinking too much alcohol" vernon's voice was also full of concern, but he spoke with much more confidence than seungcheol. you opened your mouth to say sorry, wanted to tell the truth and apologize for being so stupid and irresponsible, but once again a gag forced you to shut up, sobbing in your seat in defeat as you tightened the grip of cheol's hands.

"what happened!?" you immediately recognized the voice of your friend nearby, and soon the left side of the couches sank, "u okay?" she cradled your face with both hands, getting a bad surprise when she saw the paleness of your skin soaked with tears.

"think it might be an overdose," Vernon spoke, "she've taken something, hasn't she?" your friends nodded.

"but we've done it many times, nothing like this has ever happened before." chaeyoung's voice cracked as she tried to talk to vernon.

"she must have taken something else" he approached your face again, lighting you up with his phone to see that your pupils, which turned your irises practically black, barely reacted to the intense light of the flashlight "for the moment she is awake, but it might be a matter of time before she collapses"

"don't mess with me, man" cheol complained, "we have to call an ambulance"

vernon took a deep breath before he replied "if you do, remember that this is punishable in korea" his voice seemed much more loaded with anxiety "she is not going to get rid of his drug use easily."

"and what should we do? expect the worst!?" chaeyoung was crying. you heard it clearly in her voice, and you felt your heart break for the second time that night, guilt and fear paralyzing any little sense you had left in your body, hating yourself for bringing yourself to such situation.

"of course not!" you felt the other end of the couch sink way, "we need to try getting her to vomit while she still awake"

"are u sure about that?" cheol insisted, but vernon shook his head.

"i'm not, but given the sympthons and her dilated pupils, it might be."

the next event was something you wished with all your might you could wipe from your memory, but clearly it would stay with you forever, as a lesson. the three of them accompanied you, practically dragging your body, to the toilet upstairs. it was chaeyoung who helped you vomit using her own fingers, succeeding after several attempts. the bile and tears stained your face, making you feel miserable in the cheol's arms, who tried to comfort your sobbing. when they succeeded, they sighed with a sigh of relief. chaeyoung hugged you after wiping her hands, and you felt guilty again because you could still smell the stink of your vomit on her. the crying increased as they tried to comfort you, and the worst part is, as you sat on the white bathroom floor, with your head resting on cheol's chest and your other two friends trying to soothe what was obviously pain, the only person you could think of was yunho, hoping that he would somehow find out what was happening, and come to take care of you. "i'm gonna get the water from the table, try to rinse her face while" vernon spoke again.

you heard the door close, and soon after, chaeyoung closed the lock to prevent anyone from seeing you in that situation. cheol tried to lift your body, but, oddly enough, it was even heavier than before. sure you had vomited, as vernon suggested, but you didn't feel any better - the nausea was still there and all the strength in your body was just a memory. all you could do was cry "chae" he called her "chae, it's not okay" the trembling in your friend's voice finally confirming reality, was the last push before anxiety, or panic, or maybe both, took over. you began to hyperventilate, the little air that filled your lungs left and felt a horrible pressure in your chest. your legs were shaking involuntarily and although you could feel your friends holding you up, had no stability at all. you were falling. their voices were still present, calling out to you in sheer terror, lightly patting your face as the lights dimmed. until you could no longer open your eyes. it was barely a couple of minutes, seconds for you and an eternity for your friends, but your consciousness faded for a moment, and your body became completely lifeless. by the time you opened your eyes again, the white light blinded you slightly before could clearly see the face of your friends surrounding you again, swollen and drenched "fuck, she's awake!" cheol practically shouted. you quickly pulled yourself back up, taking a big breath of air before running back out to the toilet to vomit. chaeyoung followed, brushing your hair away from your face as she patted your back. you could still hear her sobbing.

"let's go home" you mumbled, relieving a little more of chae's fear, who was yet to come out of shock at how you had ended up. you, who had always been an angel, who once trembled at the thought of taking something illegal or dangerous, were now slumped over the toilet bowl, messed up and on the verge of something she would have regretted for the rest of her fucking life.

didn't have to ask twice, all of your friends without exception, even including vernon, never left leave your side for a second -genuinely scared after seeing you in such a situation-, left the place. as you dodged the crowd, you thought about what could have happened, and you couldn't even have asked for medical help without ruining your record and destroying your working future in the country. you thought about what had done to your friends, who felt helpless and lost without knowing how and when you had consumed so much as to push yourself to the limit. but most of all, being infinitely selfish, you thought about how the only person you would really want to walk you home that night, to comfort you, to hold you and not let go until the next morning, was yunho. but the only, and the last, thing you got from him after all, was a last glimpse of his arm around that other girl you had been seeing him with all night, without him even giving you a single glance as you left that fucking club.

as you walked away from his figure, blurring through the salt that irritated your eyes, realized something that clicked in your mind like the piece of a puzzle you had been trying to complete for too long, and it is that the bitter taste of failure that agonized in your head and that did not let you breathe was actually the certainty that you had lost the only thing you thought you could still keep from yunho after he betrayed you in that way, after confirmed that he did not love you by doing something like this, that he was not faithful to you, that he was not yours. you had lost the one thing you could still treasure as your greatest and darkest obsession, you had lost his attention.

and with that, you had lost him forever.

OKAY ITS HERE!!! i struggled too much with that part because, although i had been thinking about it for a while, i had no idea how to write it to try to convey a sense of real loss and despair. i hope i succeeded at least a little bit!!! and above all that you enjoyed reading it ♡ although it is the last part, there is still the epilogue!!!!! and i am seriously thinking if it should be a good or bad one... anyway, thank you very much for reading me and giving love to my work, i am infinitely grateful ♡

all the loveeeee

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[inajda]

The 12th house and it's meanings

Welcome! To reinforce, I mainly study traditional astrology so you can disagree with some of the things I´m saying, but understand it´s just another way to read into this study. I tried to brief and I might do another post with the 12th placements (planets, astral points, etc.) Enjoy!

In traditional astrology, the 12th house is portrayed as the place of "the bad spirit" (in contrast to the 11th, known by traditional astrologers as the place of "the good spirit").

Traditionally, some keywords to this house are; hidden enemies, suffering, death, troubles, injuries, spiritual problems, and more. The main reason for these dramatics is because the 12th house is right above the 1st, the rising line, meaning the true self of an individual. The things above you cannot see, it becomes a matter of the unconscious. When you have a physical or internal injury you can feel something is wrong with your body - the 6th house represents your physical health, if your 6th is afflicted, it mostly means health issues - but when your mind is not well, you can't just do an x-ray or routine exam, is something hidden from you, the conscious mind cannot access by its own. It makes it difficult to seek help because you don't know immediately.

place of isolation can be one of the significations of the 12th. placements in there tend to feel alone, as someone can never truly understand them. Sometimes that's the case. These placements can have a unique way to look at things, they tend to have an outside look at matters since the 12th is right above the ascendent line, so unconsciously, they put themselves out of the situation to have a better understanding of what's going on, and that can sometimes go wrong since they can be in it as well.

In my previous observation post and wrote that is very difficult to have malefic planets (Mars and Saturn) in the 12th, but I mainly meant Mars since Saturn rejoices in there. But a Mars in the 12th is an unhappy Mars, and the planet of anger and war being unhappy is not a thing. It's very uncomfortable because Mars needs a place of releasement, to let go of whatever thing is holding them back. But the 12th blocks any type of releasement mars needs, it can't see things truly, they're walking in a fog field with someone poking them. A common way of this appearing in an individual is that they can have a very difficult time admitting fault. It creates a victim complex of someone blind by their own errors, blaming the person next to them and creating scenarios that people are coming for them and they did nothing wrong. In my language, we have a saying that translating means "persecution mania", which is someone that thinks people are constantly trying to make the worst of them, and with Mars being there it can be true sometimes, but most of the time is just the anger not knowing how to get out. And to be frank, it manifests worst in men.

I know two guys with this placement (who didn't know each other btw) and the amount of gaslighting and pretending to be a victim of the situation was insane. I also know a girl with this placement who had some communication problems about anger, but it wasn't anywhere near the two guys. I say it's worst in men but not because of an astrological factor, it is simply how women and men are raised and what society expects from them. And when these men were raised thinking things would be just the way they wanted, when in face of frustration, they become massive manipulators who don't know how to acknowledge their own problems.

coming back to the 12th, aside from the negative significations, it can be a good place for spirituality. Is not material and nobody can take it from you. Is a place to travel with your soul and mind, not your body. To connect with something beyond what you can see and to accept we don't know everything. Sometimes things are hidden from us but are not always a problem.

At last, one of the key ways to have a good relationship with your 12th house is both the conscious and the unconscious. You need your consciousness to not put yourself as the victim of the circumstance, to understand that you have control of things, and not let your vulnerability be a weapon for others to use. And also to not be afraid of what you cannot see, feel, or touch. Realize the thin line between what's in your control and what is not and be satisfied with the choice you make. Practice your spirituality and do things you like, train your own wellness and satisfaction. Karma will come, you have the power to decide what type of karma you'll receive.

and feel free to comment any questions, suggestions, or thoughts you want to share!

xo!

#astro observations #astrology #astro notes #traditional astrology #astrology placements #astrology notes #zodiac signs #astro posts #astro community #astro placements #astroblr #12th house #mars placements #spiritualism #6th house