#turns out i don't need therapy i just need to read a good book

[sambaldyke]

"You tear yourself down for things you could not have known or done. Why punish a seed for not yet being a tree?"

#turns out i don't need therapy i just need to read a good book #sriracha reads #a song of wraiths and ruin #roseanne a. brown

[freshylemonade]

Waiting Room

Pairing: (Platonic but you can view how you like, but it's better platonic because there is a mention of Annabeth) Percy Jackson x Clearsighted! Mortal! GN! Reader.

Summary: Percy goes to therapy (🥳🥳), in the waiting room he meets someone a bit...different from the normal mortals.

Warnings: Swearing. And that's just it I guess? Ohh I almost forgot it has a mention of Gabe. (🤢)

Notes: Okay I don't know how hospitals and medical services work really well in other countries. But in mine this is how private hospitals work in Portugal. So this is just how I know. 😭😭😭 And hope you all like it! (And my Clarisse work was on fire, really happy!)

1.

Percy gets out of the car with Paul driving and Sally sitting on his side.

"Do you need for us to enter with you honey?" Sally asks smiling.

"Nah, it's okay mom." He kisses her cheek and waves at Paul.

"See you at home." Paul nods and waves back, Sally looks at him until he passes the door of the hospital entrance.

She relaxes as he does so.

"You need to relax." Paul says as he starts driving, after he tells her that he turns on the radio.

Sally nods. "You're right." She says and holds his hand that isn't in the steering wheel.

2.

Percy enters and goes to the balcony.

He waits for the register to even look at him, she is making gum balls and looking at a magazine, after he coughs to get her attention she looks at him, her ball gum going to her red lipstick lips in suprise.

"Hello there." Percy says as she looks at him. "I have a session with Doctor Brenner." She looks at her computer, he hears the sound of the offline 'Dino Game', but he hopes he is becoming deaf instead of that.

He coughs again.

"Oh yeah, I'm sorry." She makes a forced smile with full teeth, wich has some of the red lipstick she is using. He makes a mental note to not say anything about it.

"So here it is." She talks to herself in the computer and points at the customer service password machine.

He goes and takes one: 'A458'.

'I hope that is good.' He thinks. She coughs at him to get his attention. He suddently feels the pressure to yell to all the people that she has lipstick in her teeth, but he doesn't.

"Yes?" He tries to make a smile.

"Doctor Brenner has a lot of people today, so the wait may be longer than the normal." She says now really playing the 'Dino Game' as he can see trough the reflection in her eyes.

"Thank you." He says, not very thankfull.

He goes sit in the waiting room, looking at the sides. The girl was right it is kind of full today, and isn't just because of the therapy sessions.

He goes sit at the place who has less people, a person reading a book, a mom who looks tired of life with two kids (he can tell that they are twins), and and emo kid in the corner who looks like could pull his phone out of his pocket and the people in there would think it is an AK-47. He sits beside the person reading the book. He waits for his time and looks at the TV who says the customers password. He sees that it is in the Q457 and W231. He has no idea if that is good, but it doesn't look like it, because he is A and it is in Q and W now?

"They are random." He hears the person next to him say. He looks at you as you look at him too.

"...What?" He asks suprised.

"The numbers...you were looking at them right?" You ask.

"Yeah I was." He makes a embarassed smile. "I was just suprised that you knew."

You shrugh your shoulders, now closing the book putting the marker in it.

"You were looking at the TV like an idiot." You smirk. "It was likely to knew." He smirks back.

"Very funny." Percy says mockingly.

"Thank you." You say and continue. "So what brings you here? I never seen you here before. Not that matter of course."

Percy thinks of it for a minute but he decides to tell. "Therapist." He says and looks at you.

"Doctor Brenner right?" You ask smiling.

"How did you know?" He asks again suprised.

"Wow, for you I must look like a wizard or something like that." You chuckle and tell him."I'm going to the therapist too."

"Oh." Percy says.

"Oh." You say mockingly but smiling.

"Soooo..is Doctor Brenner good or..?" Percy asks.

"He is." You say. "5 stars, I recommend." Percy chuckles with that.

"So sorry to ask. If you don't feel okay to answer I understand. Since we met now and whatever." You say. "But is there a specific reason you need a therapist?"

'Lots of them.' He thinks.

"Nope. Just a shitty ex-stepfather." He says and you nod.

'Hey, I'm not lying at least.' He thinks again.

"I see." You say and sigh.

"You seem disapointed." He says.

"It's not that." You pause for a moment. "It's just that...my reason to be here is kind of...rare."

Percy nods. "Can you tell me what it is?" You nod. "Yes, it's only fair...you answered my question." You pause again and sigh.

"I see things that other people can't." You tell.

Percy thinks for a moment. "So...you're schizophrenic?" He asks and as he sees you become tense he adds.

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean to be rude."

"I understand." You say and make a small smile to him. "And no I'm not schizophrenic...I don't know what I suffer with." You add and he can see your hand tremble. "They are there for me, and not for others, I don't know why." You say.

"Did you already made the tests to see what you have...?" Percy tells carefully.

"Yes...and nothing, it looks like it's rare, I don't hear voices, nothing! Just see strange things." You say looking at your lap as another man enters our section of the waiting room and sits besides the emo kid, the man looks at the kid and almost jumps in suprise as the kid takes a book from his bag, after that he goes sit across one of the twins.

Percy and you almost die in laughter but after some seconds it finishes and you say again.

"Doctor Brenner says that maybe it's because of stress. But I don't know." You sigh and Percy looks at you sadly.

"Well, what strange things you see?" He asks.

"Okay, it is really strange so don't alarmed." You sigh.

"I won't. Can't you see that we are at the hospital?" You two chuckle again.

"Okay.." You sigh again. "Flying horses, with wings... And giants with one eye and sometimes...I see people with swords and strange weapons." You look at him carefully.

"Wow." He says, he didn't expect to meet a clearsighted mortal right now, but here you are. He thought of his mom and Rachel and how they must have suffered when they didn't know of the godly world..like you.

"Wow." You repeat, this time not mocking. "I feel like I'm crazy, more than the emo kid." The emo kid looks at you and you wave nervous, and mutter a sorry.

'If Nico was here.' Percy thinks and chuckles to himself.

"Well, it might sound suprising but I know some people with the same condition as you..." He smiles.

"Really?!" You smile with full teeth. "OMG, I could kiss you right now!" You look at your hands still smiling.

"No thank you, I have a girlfriend." He smirks.

"Shut up and give me they're contact." You smile at him.

"Ouch, but okay." He gives you his mom and Rachel contact, writing on a paper. "Wow, one of your friend name is Red? Kind of cool."

He tries not to laugh. "Noo, it's Rachel Elizabeth Dare: R.E.D."

You nod. "That makes more sense."

And then Percy remembers something. "I don't know your name."

"Neither do I know yours." You smirk.

"Okay then. I'm Percy." He smiles at you.

"Hello, Percy. I'm Y/N." You shake his hand and smile aswell.

"Can I ask you something?" You tell.

Percy nods. "Well is Percy a nickname or your real name, because the only Percy I can think of is Percy Weasley form Harry Potter." You chuckle.

"It's a nickname, but it's what everyone calls me." He tells you.

"Why? Is your name that bad." You ask.

"I don't know, tell me you that." He pauses for a moment and tries not to laugh, he take your hand again and shakes it. "Hello Y/N. I'm Perseus."

You look at him suprised. "Percy it is then." You laugh at his face and then the TV makes a sound and shows 'A458: room 23.' Percy smirks and gets up.

"How the hell is yours first than mine." You hiss.

"No idea." Percy shrughs his shoulders. "But it's not like you are going to need it again." He points at the paper with the numbers and you smile.

"Right..." You get up and hug him. "Thanks again." You sit again and open your book.

He smiles to you one last time and goes to his designed room.

3.

After you're own session you go out of the hospital and wait for your parent at the entrance, while you are waiting you see a car pass by you. Percy is in there with an older woman and man, maybe his mom and another stepfather that isn't shitty? You shrugh and look at what he has in hand. A sword.

You look at him and he looks at you

trought the window, he looks at you with a smirk and you look back angry.

The car goes away and you yell at it.

"Fuck you." You sound angry but you have a smirk in your face.

#pjo #gn reader #percy jackson and the olympians x reader #pjo x reader #platonic pjo please!! #spotify #percy jackson x platonic reader #percy jackson x reader #percy jackon and the olympians #percy jackson #Spotify

[inkskinned]

it's the levels of scrutiny too.

a movie that has a largely-female cast has to be well-written, well-shot, well-acted, well-advertised. people will spend 2 hours on youtube talking about a single plot hole; about a moment of bad pacing, about a singular background character's poor scripting. if there isn't something obvious, they will say - well there's nothing specifically bad, but it wasn't specifically good either.

they will turn out another all-male movie, and it's just a movie.

a book that has queer representation in it has to defy every convention of writing while also being true to traditional plot, structure, format, and pacing. it must have no boring chapters, no missteps, no awkward dialogue. it must be able to "prove" that any queer relationship "makes sense", their sparks must fly off the page and their love must be eternal. the writing must be clear and beautiful, the storyline original and fresh, the values traditional but with an undercurrent that is modern and saucy.

they will turn out another book without queer rep, where a man and woman just-fall-in-love, and it's just a book.

i am latinx. i am queer. i am nb & neurodivergent. my father said to me once: you will need to be exceptional to be just-as-good, and you will need to be beyond exceptional before they see you as just-a-person, and not your labels.

i am not beyond exceptional. i am a human person. i am skilled because i worked my ass off to be skilled.

i am currently reading a book that's so-bad-it's-good about a girl that falls in love with a vampire. i was 64% of the way through the book before she figures out tall-dark-fanged is not natural. i like books like these, i like letting myself relax while i just enjoy the read. but i do spend a lot of time wondering - would this have been published if it was about queer people? would this have gotten past the editors if the characters weren't white and sexy?

i want to write a movie about being a woman in a male space, and i want to start that movie with a 10 minute scene where the woman is lectured with the exact same whining that occurs in the youtube comments of even the trailers for those movies: "haven't we had enough diversity?" "we've had enough girl power movies" "sorry, this is just pandering. it's boring."

here's what's fucked up: it shouldn't matter, you're right. my identity shouldn't fold after my name like a battalion of stars: a cry of what i've gone through. what we all know i had to move past and through. i should just be a writer, plain and simple, without my work being shifted through with tweezers - i know everything i make, always, i am incredibly responsible for. beholden to. i don't like knowing that if i fuck up, i am also fucking up for every person like me. every person in a community i belong to.

once, back in undergrad, i wrote a short story about a girl who had been kicked by a horse. it was my first time writing about my experience with my ocd; i felt proud of it. the story was mostly about grief and slow recovery. the queerness of the main character was not important to the plot, my main character was just-queer. there wasn't even a romantic interest in it.

i remember one of my classmates being disappointed. "i just feel like you always write about girls who like girls, and i'm bored of it," he said. "you're a beautiful writer, but i'm like - oh, at some point, it's gonna be gay again." during the workshop, he folded his hands over my story and said, "and okay, i'm just going to say it. she's ocd, she's gay, she's depressed - it's a little much for me to believe is all happening to one person."

it is a little much to be that person (and more besides). i have therapy weekly, after all.

over and over, belonging to exception.

#spilled ink #poetry #prose #warm up #idk what this is #maybe more of a confession #btw the book is called crave it's OKAY #it's very straight #main character keeps being like totally okay with situations where dude is DEF #being a stalker villian #she's known him for a WEEK and shes like #'hes all that matters' #girlfriend ur parents only died a MONTH ago #there's a lot about timing in that book im like .... did this author ever have any #actually bad experiences #like main character being like ''i shouldn't cry over them it's pathetic'' a mONTH after her parents die #btw this isn't bc she's in denial/suffering/etc it's bad writing #the narrative is instead like #'' .... bc the author doesn't want to remember to discuss it'' #she forgets she has a sprained ankle a lot #tbh im THIS close to saying ''fuck good writing'' #and writing my OWN stupid supernatural school YA romance #and YES!!!!! IT WOULD INDEED BE GAY #''oh this school? we're all... different here....bc... of the witches??oh . i mean yeah but no actually we just really believe in a diverse

[amyintherapy]

Things I've Learned in 18 months of therapy

When people repeat the same patterns of behavior that are more negative than positive, it's usually trauma related. Examples: Your sister who has dated 15 different men who all are emotionally unavailable, short-fused guys who don't respect her. Or your aunt who has gotten into severe debt several times in her life, always buying items she doesn't need. Or your friend who has always befriended people who are not disabled but don't work and chronically need 'favors' so they end up allowing people to mooch off them to the point of it harming their own financial security. Basically anytime you find yourself frustrated and wondering 'why do they always DO that?" or "why don't they just do X instead? They always do Y which just makes things worse..." the answer likely is, they have trauma related to this issue, and/or their behavior is related to their trauma response that they are stuck in. Of course, this is true for you also! If you keep reacting to certain situations in a way you dislike, or going back to a coping method that you see as harmful and can't figure out why you can't stop...it's probably trauma related in some way.

Part of being traumatized involves your brain trying to hide the trauma from you..at least most of it, if not all of it. My therapist has used the example of a piece of paper that is standing upright. You might see the fine edge of the paper, so you sometimes know a piece of paper is in front of you, but you can only see the edge, so when that paper finally gets turned so that it's facing you and you can read everything written on it, it kinda knocks you over and you feel like you should have known all of that all along...after all, the paper was right there. But you couldn't read it before, and you didn't even know there was all that writing on it anyway so you didn't realize such a big piece of your puzzle was missing. In other cases, the paper may be more like...trapped in a book, so it was always there, but you had no idea it was as you thought it was just part of the book, not this hand-written note hidden inside. So anyway, it's very normal to feel shocked at how lacking in awareness you were about the full impact or detail of your trauma once you get on a roll with therapy. I always knew I had trauma, and I've always been a self-reflective person...so I thought I was self aware of my trauma. But I've been surprised at how much I was failing to see fully.

ADHD is stupidly named. Having ADHD doesn't mean you have a deficit of attention. It means you can't control (aka regulate) your attention the way most people can. Tons of people with ADHD would tell you that they feel like they have too much attention. They are interested in ALL the things which is why they struggle to keep their focus on one thing while blocking out everything else going on around them. The things you do that cause you problems, were things you originally did to protect yourself. For example, maybe your addiction started because you were reaching for emotional relief and had no other (healthier) way to make yourself feel better. Or maybe you shut down and isolate when you're hurt, because when you tried reaching out for support as a child it just made things worse because your caregiver was reactive instead of supportive. Endless examples, but people do things for a reason. Your coping methods have a logical cause of some kind or another, even if they do more harm than good now, that wasn't always the case. At one time, they helped you cope with or avoid some bigger pain or problem. Depression and anxiety are both forms of avoiding other feelings. Much of general society knows the concept that "anger is a secondary emotion" (which is only sometimes true, it's also a core emotion) but I didn't know this was true of anxiety and depression. They're always secondary emotions. However, it's important to differentiate between sadness and depression, and fear and depression. Fear and sadness/grief are core emotions, but anxiety and depression are secondary. The fact that I am detail-focused and couldn't be concise if my life depended on it, are both ADHD related for me. Social anxiety is usually attachment trauma aka an insecure attachment. Anxiety and depression are often caused by trauma. I wish I knew this earlier. I spent a lot of time thinking of my anxiety was simply genetic or sort of temperament based and therefore unlikely to be healed or fixed. I don't mean to suggest that genetics or temperment isn't some element but...I can't help but wonder how many people are like me and don't realize they could heal a lot of their anxiety or depression by doing trauma work. I'm definitely still an anxious person, but I've seen a really big improvement in my anxiety. More than I thought was possible two years ago. Most kids and teenagers are avoidant in therapy, so they don't usually see as much progress from the experience, at least compared to adults. It's often a rather slow process to see improvement. However, it's still really helpful in the longrun if they have a positive experience with therapy as a teen, they're likely to try again as an adult when they're really ready to face their issues. Online, I've seen child therapists outright say that their #1 goal with kids in therapy is to make them think of therapy positively so they'll come back to therapy when they're older! I saw some progress in therapy as a teen for sure, but the 4+ years of it resulted in roughly as much (if not less?) progress than I've seen in 18 months of therapy as an adult. Apparently that's quite common. Talking about trauma feels awful, and it often makes me leave trauma-related therapy appointments wondering if there is any point or if i'm just making myself sad. A "okay, I understand this issue I have now was caused by XYZ experience from my past...but wtf do I DO about it? I understand it now, but I still have no clue how to fix it?" type of feeling. This is the result of being too close to the current day to see the full picture. Over the course of time, the benefits and healing always become apparent to me.

People who get angry often are sort of the opposite of me. I default to feeling anxious when I "should" feel angry (like when someone is rude to me), and sometimes also when I 'should' be sad. Most people who experience chronic anger are simply people who are converting their fear and/or sadness into anger. It's sometimes the difference between being an internalize and an externalize. Anger is an external emotion, fear/anxiety is an internal one. So if you struggle to externalize, you'll convert anger to sadness or fear, and if you struggle to internalize you'll convert sadness and fear to anger.

My "small t" traumas - like emotional neglect, are at least as impactful as my "big T" trauma (sexual abuse) was.

Sensory issues are common in ADHD, not just autism even though the content online often makes it seem exclusive to ASD.

I am probably forgetting a lot, but if I don't publish this now I never will. So if I think of more later, I'll just add on. :)

#my posts #trauma #adhd #therapy #mental health #cptsd #ptsd #anxiety #depression #generalized anxiety #social anxiety

[ash-says]

Being in touch with your sensuality:

On today's episode of ash-says we are going to talk about how to get in touch with your sensuality. Personally it's something I am very passionate about and kind of indulgent too.

Sensuality helps me in feeling alive and in tune with myself. I can't guarantee it for everyone but for me it works wonders. It's like the "Amrut" or "rejuvenating water" (for a lack of better terms) for me. Along with that it's the most healthy way for expressing my sexuality and keeping it in control to not let it affect my day to day functioning.

Here are some ways I incorporated in the last five years of my life to be in touch with my sensuality:

1) Exercise: No matter what I am going to vouch for this always. The way it helps me in expressing the surplus energy and controlling my desires is a chef's kiss. Plus helps in tackling the sluggish feeling.

2) Dance: Especially the slow sensual seductive dance. Not only it's a good outlet but above all that it validates the emotions and creates a space to delve in it to create a beautiful synchronisation with the body movements.

3) Art: Create! Create! Create! Nothing better than creating beautiful art or writing poems, stories,etc to voice your passion for the world and it's offerings.

4) Music: I have playlists on Spotify that specifically cater to my sensual mood. It has all the songs that can set a tone for the bedroom (iykyk). Singing to it or dancing works wonders. It's a magical experience.

5) Meditation: You can meditate on those feelings to internalize it and put all that energy in proper use for achieving a goal,etc. This is something I very rarely do because I am a very active person but putting it out here cause it works for some people.

6)Play Barbie: This is my personal favourite. After all I am just a girl. I put on some makeup, wear a bold sexy outfit or a cute dress (depending on the mood) then spend my time reading a romance novel and listening to sensual songs. It's my kind of therapy🦋🦋

7) Be a model: Being all dressed up but not clicking any photos you got to be kidding me!!! Come on girl! Pose and click! You are not going to be this young again. The best thing I do is this. It literally helps in skyrocketing my confidence. I don't click pictures daily but boy when I do, God forbid!!

8) Unlearn the shame: The basic one. You need to own your body first and appreciate it. I know saying is easy but hey you won't get there if you never start.

9) Imitate things that you find sexy: I will explain this with an example, so I find laying on the bed on my chest with my legs dangling in the air extremely sexy so when I am alone I will lie on the bed in that way as a way of expressing. Secondly, we all know sipping wine while reading a book is incredibly sexy while being dressed all slutty but I don't consume alcoholic beverages so as an alternative I drink pomegranate juice. Plus I find pomegranate as the sexiest fruit for obvious reasons.

10) Invest in things that make you feel sensual and seductive: It doesn't need to be costly. Find your sexy and invest!! For me it's aroma candles, jewellery, deep neck tops, skirts, ribbons, art honestly I have developed a knack to turn any ordinary thing into something seductive atp I feel. Everything works for me. So exploreeee!! If you are experimental enough and don't have parental risks you can try out sex toys too.

That's all for today's show on ash-says. Stay tuned for more illegal tricks and explosive opinions.

#girlblogging #glow up #it girl #self care #that girl #gaslight gatekeep girlboss #self love #becoming that girl #dark feminine energy #becoming her #feminine energy #the art of seduction #the 48 laws of power #self development #self help #self reflection #level up journey #level up #pink pilates princess #pink pilates girl #that girl aesthetic #femme fatale vibes #femme fatale #seduction #thewizardliz #wellness #motivation #healing #ash-says #dream girl

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

Hello my maggots 💕 I woke up from my sleep and I'm sure I'm better. I hear you were worrying on the Discord server and I promise you don't need to.

Basically day before yesterday, after therapy I was stressing out so much about college and finances that I wasn't in the most uh present state of mind. I ended up falling down half a flight of stairs. Which is NOT a lot, it was like four steps.

Because I didn't break the fall with my hands, my wrists were fine and i could type, so I didn't really care about my legs. This turned out to be one of my less intelligent decisions. It got swollen and painful. That's all (I swear).

I got yelled at by a bunch of you (I love you maggots) and so I took my arse to the hospital. I was sobbing there because I was stressed about college (I had to explain to them that no, it was NOT paining that badly, I was worrying about other stuff) (I mean come on I got through the whole bleached hair chemical burns thing without crying why would I cry here).

Anyway, I got X-rays of both my legs and then I fell fast asleep. I don't remember what happened much after that, because I was dazed, there was a diclo injection and the doctor said something about no fracture, just a mild haematoma. So it's all good. Then I got back and slept.

OH AND. At the hospital, I cuddled the Good Omens book and slept. It reminded me of you all and of Crowley and that there's a whole world out there that isn't the shitty one I live in. I read one line of it, where Crowley at the birthday is cringing in contact embarrassment at Aziraphale's magic and it made me smile.

Look, it's me just after the X-ray. I was exhausted but I read the Crowley line 💕

"What about Internet safety Asmi???!" I am far too tired of everything to care, my loves.

I just want you to know that I'm okay, and that when I was miserable and sleeping at the hospital, what comforted me was the book because it reminded me of you.

I love you all so much. I hope you're all okay. I'm sorry to everyone I haven't replied to on dms here or on discord or the notifs I haven't got to. I'm really trying, and I'll do better.

Take all the love in the world.

Asmi 💕

#good omens mascot #weirdly specific but ok #asmi #maggots #good omens #book omens #my beloved #life update #god i love you all

[mangywayway]

“You should wear glasses more often, you know?”

Steve raised an eyebrow, without lifting his head from the book he was reading. He knew if he did that he would be too distracted to continue reading.

"Why on earth would I do that? I don't need them that much and it makes me uncomfortable to wear them" Steve muttered to the boy blissfully lying on his lap. "Because," said Billy, reaching out to better adjust the glasses on the other's nose, attracting his attention, "they look good on you and they suit your face very well. And then" and here Billy smiled broadly "they make you look like one of those sexy professors" concluded the harpy, accompanying it all with a suggestive movement of his eyebrows.

Steve, caught off guard, couldn't resist and burst out laughing when he looked at his boyfriend's face. Steve closed his book once and for all, as he had already given up for a while and given up on reading; he was convinced that he had gotten used to Billy's outings and yet he always managed to surprise him with something new. He wiped the tears from his eyes while Billy continued to look at him all pleased. It looked like the emblem of a big, chubby cat, which was saying something considering which of the two had feline origins.

There was a silence between them, broken only by the soft purring that rose from the young gattu's chest.

Steve's hands were tangled in Billy's hair and he let himself sprawl even more on his boyfriend's legs, so relaxed that he allowed himself to leave one of his wings free so he could stretch it a little.

Billy had let himself go so much that he didn't notice how Steve, after observing his face for a while, decided to remove his glasses and then place them delicately on the harpy's face. Feeling the added weight, Billy opened his eyes, blinking quickly to adjust to the change in view before him. He turned to Steve questioningly, his face slightly distorted by the lenses, but clearly curious as to why Steve's glasses were on his face. The latter shrugged his shoulders, replying "I don't know, I think they suit your face better. Although I don't think the role of teacher is for you"

"Oh, really?" Billy sneered. "In my opinion I could be a great teacher, what do you know," he said, moving his wing animatedly, as if he were illustrating something to an imaginary audience.

Steve rolled his eyes "Yes of course, as if I didn't know you enough. And then we both know that if you were a teacher you would have classrooms full of people who would spend more time looking at you than at the blackboard" the latter grumbled.

Billy was surprised for a moment, a little twinkle in his eye.

"Don't tell me you'd be jealous Stevie"

A light blush appeared on the young cat's face, and he didn't bother to respond, except for a muttered under his breath, you're an idiot, Billy Hargrove.

To his mortification, the harpy had heard it (because of course he had), so much so that he exclaimed "Ah! I may be an idiot, but remember that I am your idiot Steve Harrington, and you can't say anything against it".

Steve looked up at the ceiling, a big smile present on his face.

He would never admit it out loud, but what Billy had said was true and he would never change it for the world.

Okay, gouache defeated me (this time). I started this illustration with gouache, ruined it, and then draw it again and colored it digitally. I will keep practicing with gouache but with smaller subjects, because in this case I really went overboard lol. Also yeah, there it was a book in the original sketch (I'll leave it below) but I didn't like it at the end so I removed it. The illustration was based on this small thing I wrote; as always I tried to pay attention and translated it the best I could (even if there is something I'm still not sure about but eh) but yeah, if you see errors or change of verbs and stuff, just ignore them 🗿 (adding that I'm a big reader, but absolutely not a writer. Still, having them in these comfy settings is like free therapy to me so I'll probably try and do more stuff like this)

Pencil versione below ✨

#art #fanart #werecat steve harrington #steve harrington #harpy billy hargrove #billy hargrove #mythology au #harringrove #it's free serotonin you all #so I'm not stopping ✌🏻✨ #mangywayway

[alicerosejensen]

I just finished your piece of Leon saving reader from kidnapper. So good, definitely one of my favorites for my boy Leon.

I was wondering if I could kindly request a sequel piece of dealing with the dissociative amnesia. I have that and a huge part of it and is forgetting memories that aren’t associated with the traumatic event. You can slowly start to forget everything and you can also sometimes get snippets of a memory back from triggers.

As a Leon lover, I’d love to see Leon comforting and helping the reader with that as well as the PTSD in general.

Of course no pressure or worry if you don’t wanna do this! You’re an amazing writer and I hope you keep writing in the future!! ❤️❤️☺️

Slowly I think that I will start writing again. My mood is still crap, but at least I have the desire to write something. So I'll probably continue to answer requests.

Let this be a small addition to that post about the kidnapping of the reader.

- First of all, Leon will be afraid to leave you alone. He will walk with you everywhere and hold your hand.

- Of course, having experienced such stress, he understands that this will not pass without consequences, so he tries as much as possible to smooth out all the corners and make sure that nothing reminds you of the kidnapping.

- Dissociative amnesia is a shitty thing, you remember that you were afraid, but the memories of those days and the kidnapper himself seemed to be erased from your memory. Leon is only happy about this. He really thinks that you shouldn’t bring this up and constantly tries to distract you from this activity, believing that these memories should be forgotten.

- You instinctively cling to him like a little puppy of a beloved owner. Leon calmly accepts your desire for intimacy with him (not intimacy), so he tries to provide any attention you need.

- Takes you to sessions with psychotherapists and makes sure that you take medications to quickly recover.

- Leon asks to refrain from studying for now. Knowing that the kidnapping took place after classes at college, he is afraid that you will remember the events themselves and you will feel worse, so he suggests that you rest or study at home.

- He cooks food for you (probably simple dishes since I’m sure he doesn’t know how to cook), reads books with you and watches movies and TV shows in the evening, but Leon carefully checks the material before watching.

- Leon will learn different types of therapy thanks to which you can safely express your feelings. Of course he will consult a doctor.

- He really provides incredible support coupled with adequate treatment, thanks to which he sees that you are slowly but surely getting better.

- Leon rejoices at your small achievements in therapy.

- You talk to each other a lot, but subconsciously or not, you don't want to go anywhere or sleep without him. Leon always falls asleep later so he becomes a big spoon in your bed, shielding you from your fears.

- Do you have a fear of the dark? Leon will have no problem turning on the night light just to make you feel safe.

- He will never blame you for your slow recovery. Yes, he's been through a lot of crap and Raccoon City has mostly broken him, but he takes your traumatic experiences very seriously. Leon is not the kind of person who can one day say that he has been through more crap than you.

- If you have a panic attack or react to some trigger that scares you terribly, Leon will immediately rush to calm you down and create a safe zone.

- Of course, he's still a government agent. He can easily be called on a mission at any time, so he will ask someone to look after you. If it's not Claire, he'll just find someone like a nurse.

- However, he will be with you at all critical stages to get through together. You can always lean on his shoulder, especially for you.

#leon kennedy #leon scott kennedy #leon s kennedy #resident evil #leon kennedy x reader #leon x reader #leon s kennedy x reader #resident evil x reader #leon kennedy x you #reader #leon resident evil #leon kennedy headcanons #leon kennedy resident evil #leon s kennedy x fem!reader #leon s kennedy x you #leon scott kennedy x reader #leon x you #resident evil leon #resident evil headcanons

[justmeinadaze]

Without Me (Steddie X You)

PLEASE READ EVERYTHING I PUT HERE BEFORE CONTINUING!!

A/N with warnings: This is not a warm fuzzy story. This is riddled with angst and feelings. This version of Steddie aren't bad men they...they just have extremely toxic behavior due to their trauma. Steve struggles with alcohol and Eddie with drugs while the female readers drug of choice is them. She does try to stay away from them but they do not make it easy. An accident involving drunk driving is mentioned with the reader getting hurt and ending up in the hospital. They belittle her and try to make her jealous and reader mentions how their behavior has affected her. There is talk about their fears of losing her and insight into why they are the way they are.

SMUT is present closer to the end. She is a willing participate! I want that clear. It may seem like she's not but she talks about how she needs them to fight for her. Some spit play, slight edging, use of the stop light system (yellow), aftercare.

I was listening to "Without Me" by Halsey and this just flowed from me for like 2 weeks. Its not my normal stuff written wise so again I say ENTER WITH CAUTION! I will still love you if you don't read this. <3.

Word Count: 10,596 ( seriously didn't realize I typed this much)

“They’ve been asking around for you.”, you friend whispers into your ear before blowing out the smoke from her cigarette. 

“Well, they can keep asking but the answer will always be no.”

She softly grins as she takes your hand. “I’m really proud of you.”

“For what?”, the new guy you had been seeing jumped on the bench behind you, pulling you tightly to his chest.

“For finally getting my ass up for physical therapy this morning.”, you reply as you beam up him. 

“About time.”, he chuckles. “Even though I’m totally fine with you moving like an adorable little sloth.” You roll your eyes as you smack his arm playfully and he leans down to kiss your lips. “Come on. Let me walk you to your class.”

He tangles his fingers with your own as you both head back towards the building. Glen was a good man and the past month you had officially been together had been incredibly easy. That was honestly the best way to describe it. He was kind and gentle with you, always making sure you were alright. When he took you on dates, he pulled out your chair and listened intently to anything you had to say without even a squeak to interrupt. 

He didn’t smoke a pack a day or do any kind of drugs that left him so stoned you literally had to lift him from the floor on to his bed. The few times he drank in your presence, it was sips and he rarely finished the can in his hand. He never drank to the point that he slurred his words or passed out and left you to carry him into his house to get him to at least the sofa. Glen never called you names or made you feel guilty about not sharing a vice with him. He never left you crying alone in your room because he was too busy doing something else he shouldn’t be. He never hurt you or broke your heart…

“Hey Y/N.”

The man’s voice hit you like an arrow to your chest. You hadn’t heard or seen him in over two months…either of them. 

“She’s not talking to you.”, Glen growled immediately coming to your defense. 

Steve stood up straighter as he made himself seem taller. “What the fuck are you going to do about it?”

Without hesitation he stepped forward, bumping the other boy’s chest.

“Hey, hey, hey.”, you reach out to grab your new boyfriend’s arm. “It’s ok. I’m alright.”

His eyes tear away from Steve’s to meet your own as he touches your cheek with his palm making your ex huff. 

“I’m going to be right there, ok?”, he advises as he points towards the lockers on the other side of the hallway; kissing your forehead when you nod.

Steve’s eyes glare at Glen until he leaves, turning his attention towards you and promptly softening his demeanor.

“Where’s your attachment?”, you ask as you try to appear nonchalant, placing books in your locker. 

“Eddie didn’t want to overwhelm you. He thought us both talking to you might…scare you.”

“Why would I be scared of you two?”, you scoff. “Is that why neither of you came by the hospital or to my house after?”

His jaw tightens as he looks down at his sneakers. “No. We just…we thought your parents wouldn’t want us there.”

“This coming from the boy that used to sneak through my window when he was drunk.”, you chuckle sarcastically to yourself as you slam the locker closed. “You’re still such a terrible fucking liar. Stay away from me; both of you.”

“Y/N, wait—”

“Don’t touch her.”, Glen warns as Steve tries to reach for your hand. 

The man watches as your new boyfriend wraps his arm around your waist and guides you towards class as you slightly limp along the way. Angrily, he reaches into his pocket for his always present flask and takes a long swig.

**** 

“Wow, you really suck at this.”, you giggle as Glen misses another ball on the pool table. 

“Look, I’m sorry I’m not as cool as you Miss Suave who can shoot with the stick behind her back.” You grin as he gestures for you to take your turn. What he didn’t know was Eddie taught you that on one of his more sober nights. When the three of you were just able to hang out and have fun. It was hard being here as the cigarette smell reminded you of the nights after they would make love to you or when he would cheer you on while you played arcade games with him and the other Hellfire kids. 

It also reminded you of when he snorted to much of his stash and fell asleep with his cigarette in his hand almost burning down his uncle’s trailer. Or when he would light up in the middle of a fight he started with you because some guy smiled at you a little too long.

Shaking your head out of the memory, you make your shot and it promptly slams into the hole in the corner pocket. 

“I will never be as cool as you.”

“Oh, I think you’re plenty cool.”, you grin as you crane your neck just enough for his lips to meet you halfway. 

“I’m going to run to the bathroom real quick and then I can take you home, ok? Do you want to wait here or…”

“I can wait by the car. Some air would feel really good right now.”

After handing you his keys, you gradually make your way towards his car trying to cover the fact that you were gripping your side. This cold weather was killing your injury. The doctor said that would be normal especially on days it rains. What he didn’t explain was that it would affect everything else like your mobility. Every step you took shot a pain straight through you side and it was like being stabbed. 

“Hey sweetheart. Need some help?”

“Jesus fucking Christ.” You turn around meeting Eddie’s concerned gaze. “I guess Steve didn’t talk to you yet."

"No, he did. I just needed to come check on you myself.”

“Welp, I’m fine, Eddie! Now leave me alone.” He flinched slightly at your sarcastic filled tone as you try to continue heading for Glen’s car. 

“Why, um, why are you limping?”

You chuckle as you turn on him, throwing your hands in the air. “Oh, I don’t know. That happens when you’re involved in a car accident! But you wouldn’t know anything about that would you?!”

Your boyfriend appears in front of you, blocking you from the metalhead’s sight. “Get the fuck out of here! You and Harrington need to leave her the fuck alone! Come on, baby.” Without any hesitation, Glen lifts you in his arms and carries you the rest of the way. 

Eddie watches with jealous eyes as he stomps towards his van and searches for the powder that will numb the pain.

##############

For the next week, you did everything you could to ignore them but you felt their eyes on you constantly. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t miss them. You thought about them every day even after what they had done but you knew what you had with them wasn’t healthy. 

“Baby are you alright?”, Glen asked as you both share your lunch. 

“Yeah, I’m just exhausted. Mrs. O’Donnell isn’t playing around this year.”, you giggle but your smile tapers off when he doesn’t laugh with you.

“You know, it’s ok that you miss them. They were your best friends.”

If only he knew… What would he think of you if you told him the truth? What if you told him that, yes, it had started as a grade school friendship but escalated to something more? What if he found out how much you loved them and why you kept them around for so long? Why you tried so hard to save them…

A loud crashing startled you back into reality as Eddie jumped on to the table and walked to where you and your boyfriend were sitting.

“Well, hello gorgeous…and Glen.”, he mocks as he turns his head towards him sarcastically. 

Steve slides into a chair beside you as the metalhead jumps down and sits across from him. 

“Can we help you, gentlemen?”

“YOU can’t.” You cringe as Steve slurs his words. You can smell the bourbon wafting from his lips as he speaks. “We just want to have one conversation with our friend. Is that too much to ask?!”

Glen breathily laughs as he faces both boys. “It’s funny. Y/N never talks about what happened. Anytime anyone including her doctors ask about the accident she says all she remembers is something darting across the road and flipping the car. I admire the fact that she’s still so loyal after what you did.”

“What are you implying?”

“I’m implying that real men own up for their mistakes especially when it almost gets their supposed best friend killed.”, he spits. “Come on, baby.”

You don’t move; you CAN’T move. Memories are flashing through your brain and the two people you want to comfort you most are the two people who are responsible for your pain. 

“Stevie, baby, maybe you should let me drive.”

“Pfft, I can drive, honey. I’m barely even drunk.”

Eddie’s arms wrap around you from behind as he tenderly kisses the nook between your neck and shoulder. “Come on, princess. You can sit in the back with me.”

“Y/N, it’s ok. I got you.”, Glen coos as he reached for your arm.

Shakily, you stand pausing for a moment as you turn towards them. 

“Stay the fuck away from me.”

****

The loud blaring of your phone beside your bed shook you from your peaceful slumber as you sleepily reached over to answer it. 

“H-Hello?”

“Y/N?”

“Steve? What…what’s wrong?” Turning your clock, you sighed as you read 2am and slammed your head back onto the pillow. 

“Baby, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I wanted to stay with you but I was so fucking scared and Eddie said you’d be okay.”, he cried tearing your heart in half. 

“Steve, why don’t you call him, ok?”

“Please, Y/N. Can we see you?”

“It’s two in the morning. Go to bed.” He sobbed harder and you heard what sounded like him hitting the wall. “Um, where-where are you right now?”

“I’m at home.”

“Ok, I’ll be there in 20.”

****

The entire short drive to his house, you knew you were making a mistake. You made yourself boundaries and promises when it came to them that you were already breaking. It was so hard for you though when they broke. There were many a night like tonight where Steve had cried in your arms after his father had hurt him in some way and downing half a bottle of whatever strong liquor was in the house. 

With Eddie it took a lot more for him to get to that place but when he got there it was heavy. Sometimes he would frighten you as he tore his room apart, angrily trashing the things around him or saying anything he could think of to start a fight with you. The few times he cried were the moments he thought you were asleep, pulling you tightly against his chest as he sobbed.

Afterwards, you would do anything you could to make them feel better whether it was making them laugh, going to dinner, or letting them vent their pain on to you in bed. You didn’t mind it at the time especially since they knew every little way to make you cum. It was a blessing and a curse to be in love with two men who were passionate. On good days, the spoiled you, making you feel special as they wined and dined you and afterwards playing your body like one of Eddie’s guitars.

On bad days, they demeaned you and made you feel worthless. They made you feel like nothing you did was enough and then fucked you like a whore. 

You should have left them a long time ago but there was a part of you that held on to hope that one day the boys you met all those years ago were still in there.

“Hey, Y/N. Thank you. Thank you for coming.”, Steve sighed in relief as he opened the door for you and you pushed past him to get inside. “I called Eddie. He’s, um…”

The metalhead waved from his spot on the sofa.

“Yeah, well, I’m here. Now talk. You have five minutes.”

“Ok. Ok, ok, ok…um…” You rolled your eyes as Steve tried to collect his thoughts. “Honey, look, we know we fucked up. What we did to you is completely unforgivable.”

“We never would have left you if we thought you were really hurt.”

“Hm, gee, define ‘really hurt’, Ed. Because apparently metal slicing open my side doesn’t count.”

“We had no idea.”

“I’m not surprised, Steve, since you were so wasted you didn’t realize you had swerved to the right and hit a fucking parked car so hard that it flipped yours over!” You felt the tears burn the corner of your eyes. “This was a mistake.”

“Wait, wait! Please.” Eddie reached out to grab your hand and you yanked it away.

“Don’t you fucking touch me!” Your body shook as you began to cry. “You left me…After everything I’ve done for you. After everything I ignored…after cleaning you up after you threw up and passed out.” You gestured towards Steve before turning to the metalhead. “After treating your cuts after someone knocked you on your ass when you snorted your drugs and yelled at a guy in the parking lot because you thought he was hitting on me. After all the fucking bullshit I was there for…when I really need you…you left me! You didn’t even come to the fucking hospital to make sure I was ok. YOU DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING CALL!”

“Y/N…I…we…fuck!”, the metalhead shouted in frustration as threw something against the wall, shattering it on impact.

“There has to be something we can do.”, Steve whispered making you laugh again. 

“Nothing, Steven. There is nothing either of you can fucking do. I’m never going to do bullshit like this again. You two are on your own now. Leave me alone and let me be fucking happy with Glen.” As you turned to leave you paused, hearing Eddie snicker behind you. When you shifted back around there was a sinister look in both their eyes you had seen numerous times. 

“Speaking of ‘everything we’ve done’…”, Eddie addresses you with that slick tone that tells you he’s angry as he plops back down on the couch, digs in his pocket to produce his white powder, and pours some of it on the glass table in front of him. “You think that asshole can take care of you as well as we can? After all the gifts, dinners, and making you cum till you couldn’t move… we’re just trash now, huh? Is that it?”

You slowly stalk to him as rolls up a piece of paper nearby and snorts the contents in front of him. 

“Yes.” He turns to glare at you at your response. “You think everything positive you’ve done wipes away the negative? You think just because you were able to fuck me till I couldn’t walk straight, it will make up for the fact that I literally can’t walk straight because of a car accident you two caused AND RAN FROM?!”

“If we’re so bad then why did you stay?”, Steve countered. “Fuck, Y/N, why are you even here?!”

“Because I’m a fucking idiot! I’ve always been an idiot! If I could go back in time and stop that little girl from befriending those two heartbroken little boys I would.” Tears flooded down your face as you hugged your arms around yourself. “Why, Steve? Why wasn’t I enough? Why did you both have to turn to drinking and drugs? I loved you. I loved you so much.”

Strong arms suddenly wrap around you and you angrily push at his chest. Steve steps forward again, allowing you to hit him knowing he deserves it. Collapsing in his embrace, he holds you as you cry, lifting you up, and carrying you to his bedroom where he lays you in the middle of the mattress, pulling you to his chest after he climbs in beside you. Eddie follows soon after, his limbs circling your waist as he rests his cheek in your hair.

###########

By the time they woke up that next morning, you were gone and to their dismay you weren’t at school. They tried so many times to be sober especially after they started dating you but everything just seemed to get worse. Steve was always terrified you’d realize how much of a pathetic man he was (or at least that was what his dad told him) and you would leave but…you always stayed. So, why did he feel like trash 24/7? Why did he think it was inevitable? Why was he scared all…the…time? The alcohol helped suffocate a lot of that but in turn it amplified the worst versions of himself. For a while he thought that was an ok trade. Being an asshole sometimes is better than feeling like you were nothing but on nights when he’d listen to you cry or hear you beg him to stop drinking, he knew he needed to quit…he just couldn’t. Steve didn’t want to feel those feelings he’d buried in the back of his mind. 

Eddie was more or less the same except he was pretty confident someone was going to take you away from them. That you would discard them like his parents had and run off to be happy with someone else while they suffocated without you. That’s why he needed to show you and any other man that dared to come between you guys that you were theirs. Even if he had to fight all of Hawkins he would. Unfortunately, it was a double edge sword. While he knew he would fight for you, like Steve, he felt like it was inevitable that you would leave and he took that out on you constantly by screaming, throwing things, and belittling you. If he could villainize you now, at least when you left maybe it wouldn’t hurt as bad. 

Like Steve’s alcohol, Eddie used drugs to dull his pain and the rage that coursed through him. Weed used to be enough to calm him down but after a while it wasn’t so he upped his game. There were days he would snort so much that he could barely move let alone think and he was fine with that. 

You had asked them why you weren’t enough and the truth was you were more than enough; you were too good for them and they knew that. 

When they first met you, they knew instantly you were special. In the beginning, you were like their vices. You made them feel good, listened to them, and made them laugh. They often wondered what they did to get so lucky to have you in their lives. The first time Steve drank and Eddie did drugs, you knew something was off, heartbroken that they didn’t feel comfortable confiding you. Instead, they distracted you with a kiss, sending you down that path of becoming involved in that way. 

What you didn’t know was at the start of your relationship they used intimacy to distract you from what they were doing. After you would fall asleep with a smile on your face, one or both men would sneak away to do what they needed. When they fell in love, that’s when everything got worse and their fears amplified. 

Now, what THEY didn’t know was that they were YOUR drug. You thrived on making them happy which you didn’t realize until after accident. Even as you laid in the hospital staring at that stupid, bland white ceiling, you missed them and felt the withdrawals of not having them near you. By the time you were discharged and sent home, you felt clear headed and purged of their toxicity. When you met Glen and he made you smile, you felt like you were finally free of them and headed in the right direction. 

The biggest mistake was thinking you could avoid them forever which is why you set your boundaries and told yourself to stay away. You vented to your date on the phone and he cheered you on constantly boosting your self-esteem while offering anything he could to help make things easier for you. 

For your sanity and theirs, you needed to let your boys go. You prayed maybe if you stayed away, it would convince them to start healing. That’s all you ever wanted for either of them…for both Eddie and Steve to be happy. 

****

“Wayne?”

“Hey, Y/N. How are you doing?”

“I’m doing alright, thank you. Is everything ok?”

“Um, no. I just wanted to drop by and see if my nephew is here or if you’ve seen him at all these past two days?”

“No, Wayne. I’m so sorry. We don’t talk very much anymore.”

Eddie’s uncle scans your face as he nods before backing away from your front door to head back to his truck. 

“If you hear from him, can you let him know to call me? I’m worried.”

You promise him you will as you close the door and lean against you, sighing. You have an idea of where he might be but you knew if you told Wayne and he caught Eddie with drugs again he would follow through with his promise of calling the cops and have him arrested.

“Now, Edward, I already dealt with an alcoholic brother. He never listened to me and I couldn’t force him to go to rehab but I can with you! You’re my responsibility, goddamn it! You deserve better, son. Get your life together…”

Gnawing on your nail, you grab your jacket as you run out the door. 

############

You spotted them immediately when you pulled up to Hawkins Public Swimming Pool. They were so out in the open, you were surprised no one had reported them already. Even though Steve had a pool, they always seemed to like to hide out here. Usually, it was just the two of them, both toxicities bouncing off each other as they vented about things. 

The first time you found them here was before you even started dating. Steve’s dad had screamed at him about not making the varsity basketball team his 7th grade year and told him he was a failure. He didn’t show up for school the next day so you got on your bike, riding around until you found them both swimming. From that point forward if you lost one of them and were worried, it was the first place you searched. 

“Well, well, well.”, Steve slurred.

“Long time no see, princess. Came to check on your trash?”

You scowled at him as you crossed your arms over your chest. “Wayne is looking for you, Ed. He says you didn’t come home last night.”

“What do you care? You don’t love us anymore, right?”

“Just because I’m furious with you doesn’t mean I stopped caring about you.”

“Not in our experience.”

“With me, Eddie, or bullshit people from you past?”, you growled. “One of our MANY problems. You both comparing me to your parents which fucking hurts. I don’t know if you realize that.”

Steve stood up from the chair he was leaning back on and came to stand in front of you. He was so close the bourbon smell was making you feel a little drunk but it was more so due to the cologne smell underneath that always had you clinging to him when you three went out. You loved his signature smell, his and Eddie’s, but hated that it was normally obscured by other things. 

“Do you remember when we were kids and we used to swim in my pool at like 2am? You weren’t the best swimmer but with my help you got better.”

A blur suddenly swished passed you as Eddie ran and jumped into the pool behind you. You turned right as his soggy frame came back up for air with a huge, toothy smile on his face. 

“Eddie, oh my god! It’s cold out here. You’re going to get sick.” You try to suffocate the smirk that wants to be seen. You loved seeing them genuinely smile like the metalhead was right now. 

“Oh, calm down, mom. I’ll be fine and so will you.”

“Steve, no.” Right as you spun around to warn him, his palm connected with your body and shoved you into the water. While you were underneath you heard another splash as his lanky frame came into view. As you popped through the surface, your arms promptly clung around the metalhead’s necks as you gasped. 

“I got better! It doesn’t mean I actually can.”, you laugh as he obnoxiously swims around you two. For a moment, you forgot what happened. You forgot about the accident and that you were angry with them. You forgot all your boundaries you had set in place for yourself and for just a moment felt like everything was how it used to be.  

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. I got you.” Eddie’s palms gripped your thighs as he wrapped your legs around his waist and held on to you as they floated around. 

“Why do you both come here when you want to hide?”

“Hmmm… reminds us of an easier time, I guess. Plus, no chance of our parents coming in and berating us.”, Steve sighed. 

“Wayne would never berate or belittle you, Eddie.”

“Yeah, I know, but I hate seeing that disappointed look on his face. Hey, Harrington, did you see that new Tom Cruise movie coming out? The three of us should go see it.”

You exhaled at his deflection as the reminders came crashing back down. 

“Glen isn’t really a fan of his.”

They both grumbled at the mention of his name. “I don’t think when Munson said three he meant us and your bitch boyfriend.”

You chuckled sarcastically at his words as you tried to pull away but Eddie clung to you tighter. “Let me go, please.”

“Oh, please. Did you hear that, Stevie? Our girl has manners now. Did he teach you that?”

“No, he showed me respect and what being loved is really like.”, you spat as you continued to try and push away from him. “And I’m not your girl. Not anymore.”

“You think we don’t love you?”, Steve asks as he swam to your sides. 

You stop moving then as all previous memories with them flash through your mind. They see you disassociating as the boy beside you brushes your hair away from your face, a little sigh of pleasure escaping when you don’t flinch away from him. 

“I’ve always found it amusing that you two are afraid of becoming your parents, yet you ended up becoming exactly like them.”

Thrown of guard, their eyes slowly darken in anger as you continue. 

“Steve, when your drunk and having a bad day, you call me whore and tell me I’m worthless. There was one night, you told me I’d never measure up to being good enough for a Harrington so I should feel lucky you even bother with me. Eddie, when your high and having a rough day, you throw things and squeeze me kind of like you are now. You’ve never hit me but you’re not gentle with me either. One night, I was taking you home from The Hideout and some guy held the door open for me as I carried you. The entire ride home, you screamed at me because I thanked him and said I had your permission to go back and fuck him like the slut I was.”

“You hurt me like they did you and I allowed it because I loved you so much. I changed things in my life to be there for you but you guys could never do the same. Then, like your parents, when I really needed you, you left me. If you love me…why do you insist on being the way you are?”

They stared at you for what felt like forever and it killed you. Not because it made you uncomfortable but because you would give anything to wrap your arms around them and laugh with them as you continued to swim. You didn’t want this, you never wanted this.

“Loved? You don’t love us anymore?”, Steve asked. 

Your jaw clenched as you held your resolve. “No. I don’t.”

“I don’t believe you.”, Eddie growled. 

“Well…that’s you’re problem. Not mine.”

“Say it then. Say the entire sentence. If you do, we’ll leave you alone and you’ll never hear from us again.”

“N-No, Steve and Eddie.”, your voice cracked as you said their names. “I don’t…don’t…”

The metalhead’s forehead fell on yours as your tears began to fall. “I love you. I’ve loved you since the moment I met you, baby.”

Slowly, his lips move forward to land on yours. When you don’t pull away or stop him, he grows bolder until you’re reciprocating and your arms are around his neck. 

Your heart abruptly catches up with your brain as you push him away with all the energy you can muster and climb out of the pool, running to get to your car. Just as you open the door, a heavy palm slams it shut and you’re forcefully turned around as Steve’s lips crash to yours. Your arms circle around him as he lifts you up by your thighs and presses you against your vehicle. 

“I love you to—mmm—so fucking much, Y/N. I-I-we can be better.” He groans as his lips trailed down your cheek to your neck and your fingers gently tug on his hair. “I’ll stop drinking. I-I’ll do whatever you want, baby. Please.”

Pushing him back, he drops you to your feet as you smack him. 

“The problem is, I don’t believe you. How many times have you promised me that, Steve?! Eddie?!” You turn to the boy you was now leaning against the hood of your car. “This is the last time I’m saying this. Stay away from me.”

You open your car door but he slams it again. 

“Who do you think you are, Y/N?!”, Steve screams as he steps towards you sandwiching you between himself and the car. “We didn’t ask you to fucking come here. YOU showed up! You showed up at my house! You can’t keep getting mad at us for not ‘leaving you alone’ when you don’t fucking stay away! You obviously still fucking love us so why are you making this so fucking complicated!?”

“Obviously, I’m not like you. It’s harder for me to stay away when someone I care about is hurting.” You take off your shirt and toss it in his face. “THIS is what loving you two got me!”, you shout as you point to the massive wound on your stomach. Their eyes widen as they look you over. 

“It’s been over two months and it’s still healing. Can you fucking believe that? I was in surgery for twelve hours after the ambulance brought me in. Some metal from your BMW sliced into me and I lost a lot of blood. The doctors said the only reason I didn’t fucking die was because it had managed to miss all the major veins and arteries. I was out for almost three days and when I woke up apparently the first thing I asked about was you two. When they told me I was the only one found, I didn’t believe it. ‘No. They’ve done some fucked up shit but they would never abandon me.’”

“I waited for you…every…day…I waited. It took a while for me to really lose hope though. When I had my first physical therapy session to help me walk normally again, I thought ‘This will be the day. I want to get back to normal as quickly as possible so when they come see me I can show them how well I’m doing.’ When they discharged me, I considered maybe then I’d hear from you since no one would be constantly checking up on me. I even left my window unlocked thinking you might sneak in. Nothing… but do you know who did check in on me? Glen.”

“Glen called me every other night to talk to me while I cried about my pain. He came over and watched movies with me while I was stuck in bed. He held me when I woke up from nightmares after falling asleep because of my pain medication. Glen, someone who I met only a year ago was there for me when my BEST FRIENDS who I’ve known since we were kids and supposedly love me DID NOTHING.”

“So, get a good look, boys, because next time you call I won’t be there. You finally get to live your fucking lives without the one person who actually gave a damn!”

##############

“Babe? Are you alright?”

“Huh? Yeah, baby, I’m fine.”, you grin as you lean against Glen’s shoulder at your lunch table. 

It had been almost a month since that night at the public pool and you were proud you were able to stick to your guns. They had called a couple of times and each time you ignored it. You had seen Steve stumble out of the locker room after school giggling with a girl as he buckled his pants and kept walking as she practically carried him to her car. You caught Eddie passed out at the arcade on the pin ball machine and left him there as people around him chuckled. Every time you were able to let them go, you felt yourself getting a little stronger but that didn’t mean this wasn’t killing you. 

“Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t we go see a movie tonight? That Tom Cruise movie is playing.”

“Oh, sweetheart, we can watch something else. I know you aren’t a big fan—”

“Y/N, you like him so I don’t mind. Seeing you smile is all I care about.”

“Aw.”, you coo as you pull him in for a hug. “That’s so gross.”

Glen laughs as he leans down to kiss your lips. 

***

“Well, holy shit.” Your eyes squeeze shut at the sound of Eddie’s voice as you and your date walk up the stairs in the auditorium. “Stevie…STEVE! Look, its Y/N and her idiot.” The metalhead mocks as he tugs Steve off of his date he was already heavily making out with. A twinge of jealousy pierced your heart but you suffocated it as you glared at them both. 

“I thought you hated Mr. Cruise, Glen.”, he slurred as he laughed. 

The girl beside the metalhead kept sucking on his neck as her hand rested on his upper thigh.

“Come on, honey.”, your boyfriend grabbed your hand and pulled you towards your seats. “Jesus, how could you tolerate being their friends for so long?”

“They weren’t always like that. When I first met them they were shy and sweet. Steve used to make me little cards for valentine’s day and Eddie would sing me some random love ballad.”, you giggle at the memory until your eyes glaze over with his sadness. Glen tenderly pets your head before wrapping his arm around your shoulders and pulling you to his side. 

Throughout the movie your eyes kept shifting their way as the continued to make out with their dates. They were doing this on purpose, they were trying to hurt you. Normally when you three went to the theater together Eddie would lift your legs over his lap as you leaned back against Steve. They would tenderly run their palms against your skin as they watched whatever film was in front of you. They rarely if ever were sexual with you here and honestly you never really thought about it. You just enjoyed the tenderness of these moments when you had them. 

You noticed the parallels in the movie immediately and so did Steve as you watched him disconnect from the girl he was kissing. A football star from a small town wanting to get out and make something of himself while not being ‘good enough’ for the people around him. Halfway through, he stopped paying attention to his date all together as he focused his eyes in front of him. You wanted to hold him and tell him everything would be ok. That he deserved to be happy; they both did. Curling your body into Glen’s side, he wrapped his arm tighter around you as he kissed your forehead. 

****

“You know, I must say that wasn’t too bad. ‘We didn’t quit! You did!’” 

You giggle at his enthusiasm as you guys head for his car. 

“So, does that mean you’ll see his next one with me?”

“If you come watch a Clint Eastwood movie with me.”, he laughs as you stick out your tongue in disgust. “As long as I’m with you, baby, I don’t care what we see or do.”

Glen’s lips lean down to kiss yours as you wrap your arms around his neck. As his kisses grow more passionate, he carefully lifts you up, and places you on the hood of his car. Your brain began to wonder as his mouth did the same down to your neck. Your boyfriend was a good man and a really good kisser. You hadn’t been intimate with him sexually yet and with everything going on you were okay with that but that was just a double edge sword. BECAUSE with everything going on, you desperately wanted to be fucked. 

Your exes were phenomenal at that. When you felt low (usually because of them), they pounded into you till you were begging them to stop and even then they didn’t. You guys had a safe word but you had never used it. Oddly enough they had never crossed that line in bed. As you felt Glen’s lips suck on your skin, you couldn’t help but wonder if he had it in him to fuck you like that.

The sound of screeching tires brought you both back into the moment just in time to see Eddie’s van just inches from your boyfriend’s vehicle. 

“Have you lost your fucking mind, you fucking freak?!”, one of the girls screamed as she punched his arm. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

Through the windshield you could see them both glaring at you but especially Eddie. You saw that look so many times but this was the first time he had ever actually seen you kissing someone else. 

“Babe, get in the car, ok?” As Glen reached for your hand, the boys finally moved. The metalhead opened his driver’s side door and stomped to the back, flinging open the doors. 

“OUT! Get the fuck out!”

“Fine! We’d rather walk then spend any more time with you two.”

“Y/N, look at me. Get in the car.”

The sound of the skidding tires thrust you into your memory of that night; the tires screeching, glass breaking, metal crunching… them shouting at each other…

“Y/N?”

“Eddie, let it go, man.”

He barely heard his friend as he came around the car and grabbed Glen’s shoulder, flipping him around, and shoving him against it. His fist was raised in the air but as it hovered your boyfriend grabbed his collar.

“Do you really want to do this now? After you scared her half to death? I guess it’s not enough you two almost killed her. You have to keep twisting the knife, huh?”

“You keep saying bullshit like that but what proof do you have?”

“Beside my fucking brain? Oh, I don’t know, maybe it’s the fact that I have a nose and can smell the drugs and bourbon. Maybe, because I’ve smelled it on you and still watched her get in a car with you. Speaking of, where’s your BMW, Steve?” Glen pushes Eddie off of him and faces them both, gesturing towards you. “This isn’t the first time she’s shut down like this. When she does it’s hard to get her back but she does mumble. Do you know what she says every single time? ‘Please don’t leave me.’” He shakes his head in disgust. “Neither of you deserved her friendship.”

Reaching for your arm, he guided you to the passenger side and opened the door. 

“Probably why we were more then just friends.” Your bag fell as Eddie spoke, your wide eyes turning towards him. “Oh, let me guess. You didn’t tell Captain America here that you were fucking us to, did you?”

Glen looked you up down as his body froze.

“Please…”

“Give me a fucking break with that pathetic little girl routine. She’s a wild one, Glen. Definitely too much woman for one man.”

“Stop it.”

“Stop what? Telling him the truth? Trust me, bud. The stories we could tell you about her.  Fuck me…”

“Stop.”

“…There were times we didn’t even have to ask. You could just push her into an empty classroom and fuck her tight little pussy till she cried and she would still beg for more…

“Eddie.”

“…Oh and wait until she sucks your cock. She can take it so far down her throat—”

“STOP IT!” You charged at him, screaming and crying as you smacked his chest. “WHY?! Why can’t you just let me be happy!? I hate you! I hate you! I…”

Strong arms held you back and pulled you away from the metalhead as Steve moved to his friend’s side. 

“I hate you both.”

“Come on, Y/N. There we go.”, Glen soothes in a gentle tone as he guides you into his car. He flashes them one last cursory glance before climbing into the driver’s side and speeding away. 

############

You and Glen sit in silence as he turns off his car outside of your house. 

“Is it true?”

Closing your eyes, you heavily exhale before you answer. “Does it matter?”

“Jesus.”, he sarcastically chuckles as he turns his head to glare out the window. “I don’t even know what to say.”

“Nothing to say.”

“It would explain why you’re so protective over them.”

“No. I WAS protective over them because I used to love them…even before we became intimate.”

“Psh was.”

“I don’t love them anymore.”

“Oh yeah? Why don’t you go to the station then and tell Hopper who was really driving that night. Let them experience the consequences of what they did without the safety net of you getting them out of trouble.”

“You don’t understand.”, you whisper.

“You’re right. I don’t.”

“Glen…”, you pause as you try to gather your thoughts. “When I met them, they were both in a bad place even as kids. Eddie had just moved in with his uncle after his dad was arrested. His body was splattered with bruises. It…”, your voice cracked at the memory. “Steve wasn’t at the king status he is now. He hid any chance he could so no one would notice he was crying because his dad had told him he was worthless that morning. I remember our first in-depth conversation he looked at me and asked me why I was even talking to him because he wasn’t someone worth being friends. They needed me. Someone who would listen to them and—”

“Use?”, he interrupted making you sigh again. “Y/N, MAYBE, in the beginning you were exactly what they needed but now…now you’re like another drug to them. You realize that right? They use you whenever they need to feel better, take advantage, and then leave. They aren’t little kids anymore, sweetheart. They are grown men who know what they are doing and they know every time you’re going to bail them out.”

“Thank you for the movie. I’ll see you tomorrow at the party.”, you mumble as you start to open the door, now physically exhausted from this whole evening. 

“Y/N…Maybe we should take a break.”

You laugh under your breath as you get out and slam his car door, stumbling inside of your house as you sit at the base of your stairs and cry. 

***

They watched you from a far as you danced your way back to the punch bowl for the fifth time that evening. You had shown up to the party that Saturday alone and as soon as you walked in you began drinking which was something they would normally do but not you. This was wrong. You couldn’t be like them. You had to be better than they were especially since you were their angel, their saving grace. 

Steve huffed, having enough of the sight before him as he stomped to your side and grabbed your wrist. 

“Y/N, stop. You’ve had enough.”

“Oh, really Steve Harrington? You’re telling me when I’ve had enough?”, you cackle as you yank your arm back and dip the cup into the bowl. Before it can reach your lips, he pulls it from your grasp making you whine. “Jesus fucking Christ. Isn’t this what you always wanted? Me getting wasted with you while the freak gets stoned.”

You continue to drunkenly laugh making them both glare at you. 

“Y/N Y/L/N, I’m warning you.”, he growls as you reach another cup and fill it. 

“What are you going to do, Stevie? Ruin my relationship? Your partner in crime already did that. Accidently almost get me killed? We can check that off. Break my fucking heart…” You raise your glass in their direction. “Done and done.” After chugging back the liquid, you feel your body begin to sway. “Steve…” Suddenly, it feels like your legs no longer work as you fall into his arms. 

Effortlessly, he lifts you up against his chest and carries you out the door. Your mind drifts in and out as things happen around you. You feel quick movement that you assume is a car driving. 

“No! No!”, you grumble as you fight against something holding you. 

“Y/N, calm down. We’re in Eddie’s van. Everything’s ok.”

Your head violently shakes before your eyes get heavy and you feel yourself fading. “Don…don leave…don’t leave me again.”

When your eyes open once more, you’re being carried again and you smell cigarette smoke in the air. You mumble something but your struggling to form words as you feel your body being laid flat on something soft. 

“Hospital?”

“No sweetheart. You’re at my trailer. Just sleep it off, ok?”

“Are they ok?”

“Who, honey?”, the other boy asked.

“Steve and Eddie. Did they…get hurt?”, you start to drunkenly sob. “Please…are they safe?”

“Y/N, go to sleep, baby.”, Eddie soothed as you felt his arm wrap around you and your mind finally shut off as you passed out.

***

“We’re assholes.”

You wake up a few hours later but keep your eyes closed when you hear their gravelly voices on either side of you. 

“What’s your point?”

“Munson, look at her!”, Steve hisses. “She’s never been like this. She’s never been so…angry.”

“Well, what the fuck should we do, Harrington? We love her and she loves us to. I know she does. It’s good that preppy fucker is out of the picture.”

“I don’t like this…”

“Oh? Then tell me, Steve. Why did you let Olivia Samuels suck your cock in the locker room last week? Or make out and fucking grind on that girl you brought to the movies? Why are you still drinking alcohol like its fucking water?!”

“Really, Eddie? You want to lecture me right now? You were the one that always flipped out anytime anyone would even look at her! I’m surprised you even fucking noticed with how many times you’re so fucking high on that blow you pass out wherever your body lands.”

They both become silent but you can feel the heated energy between them. 

“Look…”, the metalhead sighs. “We can do better. We can be what she needs. We just…”

“What do I need?”, you mumble as your eyes finally open. “What do I need, Eddie?”

“You need us to stop idiots, to give up our vices. You need us to love you the way you deserve.”

You shake your head as you sit up and rub your eyes.

“You’ll never understand. I gave up on trying to make you a long time ago. I need to go home.”

As you try to slide of the bed, Steve’s palm grips your arm and pulls you back down. “Explain it to us then.”

“I need you to actually love me.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Y/N? We do.”

“Flush your stash.” Eddie’s eyes search yours as you glare confidently back at him. “Flush your stash and tell Wayne what you’ve been doing. Let him help you get clean.” You shift your gaze towards Steve. “Throw away the flask in your back pocket and pour out all the booze you have hidden around your room. Come clean about the accident and tell Hopper you need help getting sober.”

Neither boy moves or says anything and you laugh as you slide out of bed searching for your shoes. 

“What does that have to do with loving you? Huh? We can give up all that crap without us having to get in trouble.”

“It’s accountability, Eddie! That’s what I need! I need you to take responsibility for your vices and the damage they fucking caused. You say you love me and I don’t doubt that. I really don’t. But the truth is and always has been, that you love that stuff way more then you ever loved me!”

You feel the tears start to surface but you refuse to let them see as you suffocate them down. 

“Glen was right. I’m just another drug for you two to use and, honestly, you’re like a drug to me but unlike you I’m strong enough to let you go.”

As you reach for the door, a strong hand grabs your arm and shoves you against the wall. 

“Miss high and mighty over here. You want to play that game? You’re weak just like us according to you. ‘I’m strong enough to let you go.’” You cringe as Eddie mimics your tone. “If you’re so fucking strong then follow through, little girl. Say you don’t love us. My offer still stands from the pool. Say you don’t love us anymore and we’ll leave you the fuck alone.”

“Even if I do say it, you won’t. With the way things are now, you two can barely function without me.” You giggle as his eyes darken with anger. “Seriously. For the past 3 months you haven’t notice you have gotten worse? And not just with the booze and drugs. Steve…Olivia told everyone that you came early.” As you laugh harder, you can see them getting angrier but at this point you don’t care. “She said…that’s why she stopped at a blow job because she didn’t think you could make her cum even though you offered. And you Eddie, did you know they have private Hellfire meetings without you? Dustin is their Dungeon master now.”

Steve abruptly comes from the side and throws you over his shoulder as he carries you back to the bedroom kicking and screaming before tossing you back on the mattress. 

“Say it. Say our fucking safe word and I’ll take you home so you can continue sitting up there on your self-righteous pedestal.”, he growls as he straddles his body on top of yours.

“Fuck you!”, you shout as you spit in his face. You push against his hold on you but he’s stronger, keeping you down with one hand as he uses his other to wipe off your saliva. 

“Open. OPEN YOUR MOUTH, Y/N!” When you don’t do as he commands he pinches your cheeks between his fingers forcing your mouth to pout open before spiting between your lips onto your tongue. “Swallow it. We both remember how good you are at swallowing things.”, he snickers. “Eddie, can you help me?”

The metalhead, who had been watching the whole thing unfold thus far, climbed onto his bed so he could unbutton your jeans and pull them down. 

“5 bucks she’s dripping.” Eddie pressed his fingers against the fabric of your panties between your legs. “Oh, yeah. What’s wrong, sweetheart? Fucking boy scout hasn’t been taking care of you?”

“Believe me, he has. He’s made me cum harder than you both ever did. Probably because he was actually fucking coherent.” You wiggled enough to get Steve off of you and push Eddie backwards as you ran into the hallway.  The metalhead was faster, catching your arm, and shoving you against the wall. Holding his palm against your chest, he pinned you against it as he tore off your underwear and sunk down to his knees.

You gasped when his mouth wrapped around your clit as his tongue worked its magic. This is what you needed and they knew that; it was something they were good at. For a while you thought maybe it was the roughness that allowed you to relieve some of the stress you always built up especially when it came to them but after not having them for so long you realized it was so much more than that. You enjoyed the idea of them needing you. Of doing whatever possible in the moment to make you stay and make you theirs. 

Lifting your leg over his shoulder, he pressed his face further into your cunt making you moan as you clung to his hair on the back of his head. 

“Why do you fucking lie to us?”

“Mmm…I don’t.”

“Yes, you do, honey. First you say you don’t love us and then you claim that your boyfriend is better in the sack than we are. Come on, baby.”, Steve coos as he leans on his arm by your side.

“I-I—fuck—I don’t…he is better.” Just as the coil was about to snap, Eddie stopped and abruptly rose to his feet. “No! No, please.” Your hands cupped his face as his fingers took over and he pushed two inside of your entrance, moving them so fast the sound of your arousal filled the hallway. “Please.”

“Don’t lie. Tell us the truth.”

“Why do you get to lie…but…but I can’t!”

“Because you’re better than us.”, Steve answered. “We all know that.”

You whine as he cuts your pleasure short again and as you begin pushing back against them, Eddie holds you still with this shoulder as he straightens his arm and moves his fingers again to build you up. “Please…”

“Say it, Y/N.”

“I’ve—mmm—I’ve never slept with him! We haven’t even done anything besides kiss.”, you cry as your arms circle around his neck. “Please, Eddie. Please.”

“You can cum, sweetheart. That’s it. Use my fingers to cum.” Your hips grinded against his hand as you clung tightly to him. “There you go. Come on, pretty girl. I can feel you squeezing me.” Your body shuttered as you came and his free arm promptly caught you as your knees buckled.  

You crashed your lips to his, humming at that familiar cigarette taste as his tongue grazed your own. Your fight wasn’t as forceful this time as you pushed him to get away. Falling to the floor, Eddie wrestles with you, pushing you onto your stomach, and holding you down with his palm between your shoulder blades as you listen to him unbuckle his belt and jeans. 

“One lie down, one more to go. Tell us you love us, princess.”

“I hate you.”, you grumble into the carpet below you. 

“Did you hear that, Stevie? She fucking hates us!” Your body trembles as he runs the tip of his cock between your folds. “You should tell that to your pussy honey because it’s just sucking me in.”

You both groan as he guides himself fully into you and you force down the tears of happiness that try to push free. They always felt so good inside of you, knowing exactly what you needed and how to get you there. As Eddie thrust into you roughly, you felt fingers brush your hair away from your face and you opened your eyes to meet Steve’s who was lying beside you.

“Say it, baby. We know you do. Why do you keep torturing yourself?”, he murmured as he continued to pet your head. “I mean look at you. How long as it been since anyone made you feel good like this?”

Lost in the feeling of you, Eddie pushed you further into the carpet causing you to squeak and wince as you grabbed your side while the other boy’s hand shot out to grip his friend’s arm.

“Y-Yellow. I’m sorry.”, you cried and the metalhead shook his head as he pulled out and slowly turned you onto your back. 

“No reason to be sorry, sweetheart. You’ve never had any reason to be. Unlike us assholes.”, he softly chuckled as he laid on top of you making sure most of his weight was on his forearms. “Is this ok? Am I hurting you?”

Wrapping your hand around the back of his neck, you tug his lips to your own. Reaching between your bodies, you grip his cock and guide it back into your core. 

“I love you.”, you whisper as his glassy eyes quickly scan over your face trying to get a read on you. “I love you, Eddie Munson, so much.”

His head fell beside yours as he thrust his hips into you, panting into your neck as your nails ran down his back and into his hair. 

“I love you to, Y/N. I’m sorry, princess. I’m so fucking sorry for everything. For—fuck—for what I said at the theater. For yelling at you and being jealous all the time. Oh my god… For leaving you there that night.” You mewled as he pumped into you harder, his cock repeatedly hitting that spot inside you that had you suffocating the screams of pleasure that wanted to escape. 

“It was my idea, Y/N. I told him we should leave. I-I told him you’d be fine. I’m so sorry.”

You barely heard him as your legs wrapped around his waist. It was all things you had heard before and he still wasn’t mentioning what you really needed from him, what you had mentioned before about flushing his stash. He wasn’t even acknowledging that the drugs were part of why he did the things he did. 

“I know, baby. Make me cum, Eddie, please.”

Pushing up on his hands, his hair tickled your face as he picked up his pace, groaning as his eyes squeezed shut. 

“Say it again, sweetheart, please. Tell me that you love me.”

As you closed your eyes, flashes of the boy you met all those years ago passed through your mind. The boy who made you laugh, who wrote songs for you to strum on his uncle’s guitar which was a bit too big across his chest. The man who took you to concerts and danced with you in the aisle at the movie theater as you waited for it to start. 

“I love you, Eddie.”

Arching your back, your hands gripped his forearms as you came. The metalhead grunted at the feeling as you tightened around him, slamming into you till you felt him warm your insides with his release. 

Collapsing to the side of you, he tried to catch his breath as you turned to find Steve starring at you with those beautiful but needy eyes.

“I love you to, Steve Harrington.” 

He exhaled heavily in relief as he delicately slid you closer to him and placed his lips on yours. It didn’t take long for his kisses to become passionate and he spun you on to your side till your back was against his chest. He fumbled with his belt and pants before pushing them down as much as he could, lifting up your leg by your thigh, and guiding himself into your entrance. 

His heavy breathing filled you ear as you lean back into his warm chest reminding you of the boy who held you close to him while you three would swim in the lake. The boy who pretended not to be scared by horror movies but always jumped and pulled you closer after any scary scene. The man who showed up with flowers randomly because he said he was just thinking about you and wanted to get you something nice. 

“I love you, baby. I’m…I’m sorry to. I shouldn’t have left you and we shouldn’t have stayed away. I’m a fucking coward, honey.” Your arm looped around his neck as you kissed his lips. “I don’t know what we would have done if we lost you, Y/N.”

“You did.” His rhythm slowed as he looked down at your face. “You haven’t had me for months. Did things better?”

Steve’s jaw tightened as he wrapped his arms tightly around yours and began pumping into you slow and deep making you groan. 

“Things will get better, Y/N. I promise. I don’t care what I have to do. Fuck my dad, fuck these people, fuck this town!”

Eddie’s worried eyes met his as your face scrunched and your nails dug into his skin. 

“Am I hur—”

“No. No. Harder, Steve. Please.”

The sound of skin slapping skin echoed through the trailer as he did what you asked. 

“Is that what you need, baby girl? Fuck…I’ll give you anything.”

As his fingers reached down to play with your clit, his other hand gripped your throat as you tilted back moaning his name as you came. His own face scrunched in pleasure as his mouth fell open and with a few more rough thrusts came inside of you as well. 

You laid on your back staring at the ceiling as you tried to control the urge to cry. There was a part of you that wished you could back to before the accident when you were still slightly ignorant to their behavior. When they would scoop you up and give you a bath, curl up with you in bed, and talk about different things. 

That was always just an illusion though and it was now completely shattered. Eddie lifted off your shirt as Steve carried you to the shower, turning it on for you, and held your hand as you stepped inside. As he sat on the counter, from behind the shower curtain, you heard his heavy sigh before the quiet clinking of his flask pushed through the silence. 

When you stepped out, he softly smiled and handed you a towel as he led you back to Eddie’s room. The boy quickly wiped his nose before grinning in your direction and handed you his clothes you used to sleep in but his smile faltered when you hesitated. 

“I’m sorry. I just assumed you would sleep here like you used to.”

It was your turn to smile but it didn’t stop the tears that began to flow. They reached for your hands and pulled you between them, whispering promises they could never deliver as the comforted you. 

###########

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[capcavan]

If Riko hadn't been killed off, but he still had his broken arm, how do you feel his recovery and road (if possible) back onto the playing field would have been? How would Tetsuji have reacted to it?

Boy this really went in a direction as I wrote it

Considering the rules of aftg universe [Kevin whose hand been through meat grinder but could use it after few months without any physical therapy and being held together by duct tape ] Riko shouldn't have any issue healing from clean spot breaking of 2 bones in arm. Add to that the fact that Riko got professional care right after the breaking and as resident of cult i mean Nest he will have access to all resources needed to make safe and successful recovery. So depending if we want to use aftg law or real life law i think his recovery is possible it's just difference of ,, will he play in 2 months or in 6 months" With good diet and listening to his doctor, recovery and coming back to health won't be issue and assuming Tetsuji would not pit him against ravens and allow him to train with a coach he wouldn't loose more than 3-4 months [during which he can still do cardio and train other muscle groups, improve his footwork as well as study exy from more technical standpoint, research read books watch old games and THINK i think he would easily went back to play with his team in second half of the next season in games and bit earlier in trainings. But being separated form them for so long to allow for his healing and injury care would put a big rift between him and his team. They would be resentful and not at all sympathetic ravens are competitive Riko is star but he is also their captain, and i assume while Riko is decommissioned someone else took that position- temporarily as Riko would hope. But what if the Second Captain turned out to be better? What if ravens decided the new guy deserves their respect more than Riko does? I think Tetsuji would not extend his protection to Riko any more, Rikos little outburst on the court was embarrassing and illegal There would be no way for Riko to play exy after attack on another player, in best case scenario Moriyamas might keep him out of prison but I don't think any of them would care, I think Riko's most likely future is being murdered in prison depending if anyone who hates the family is behind the same bars.

#riko moriyama #aftg #all for the game

[writingsbychlo]

immediately re-read how we survive when i saw u reblogged it. it's just as good as the first time i read it. i love love love it you are just such a talented writer 🩵

i have some questions for my own side fanfic of a fanfic that lives in my head

did reader x rhys ever kiss or do anything under the mountain? cause reader says she gave everything to him and vice versa,,, or did reader just mean that in an emotional way?

if they did ever kiss or do anything,,, could we see it 👀 or how az reacts to finding out more details of everything that went on utm?? 😵‍💫

again i just love all ur writing and every fic u put out lives rent free in my head xxxz

personally I always just planned it as friends! so, what I'm about to type below is not canon for that fic, just a little bit of fun! there will be no more to this, no continuations or full fics! just a little out of place drabble 🤍

"You have been freaked out all day, what's wrong?" Azriel asked, lowering his book where he sat on the couch, and placing a hand on your shaking knee. "I know you slept well, I was holding you, and you didn't stir all night, so what's up?"

"I have to tell you something." You finally whispered, hands shaking as you settled one over the top of Azriel's. His smile melted away, concern taking over his features. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Only one thing can hurt me, my love, and the strength of this bond between us is rather strong, so I don't think you're breaking up with me." As if to emphasise his point, he tugged that golden thread connecting you both, tears welling in your eyes to accompany a wet laugh as you rubbed your chest. It was still a marvel to you to have it back, all these years later. "Tell me, and it'll be okay."

"It's about me and Rhys." Across from you both, Feyre lowered her paintbrush, brows raising with worry for you, and Rhysand looked up from his documents. A talon scratched at your mental shields, and when you let him in, he stiffened, pen dropping from his hands. "I was at therapy this morning, and I remembered something, and I have to tell you."

Rhysand groaned, his head falling into his hands as his elbows braced on the table. "I forgot about that too."

Feyre turned on her stool, glancing between the two of you, and Azriel did the same. Taking your hand back, you rubbed sweaty palms down your jeans, shuffling on the couch.

"There was a night, Under The Mountain." Rhysand began, taking the pressure off of you and giving you a slight smile at the grateful look on your face. "A night when I was particularly low. It had been hard for a while, I felt so dirty and worthless, because of her. What she did to me, what she made me do. I didn't think I could ever be loved again, I didn't think I was worth being loved. By anyone, by any of you, and especially not by... you."

His eyes met yours, haunted, but only a fraction of the pain in them that you'd seen that night. "We hadn't been sharing a room, a bed, for long up to that point. It was still fairly new. Rhysand was somewhat drunk—"

"I was plastered, you can say it."

"Alright," You smiled a little, fiddling with your fingers as you stared at the carpet. "Rhysand was very drunk. And very upset. He was babbling about everything, and he came to bed. He didn't feel worthy of love, he wasn't sure he'd ever feel a loving touch again, just hers. It broke my heart, and I just wanted him to feel a loving touch again. He needed it."

Azriel's throat bobbed a little, Feyre's eyes were wide, and you forced yourself to look at both of them, before looking to Rhys. Tears were threatening to spill, from both of you, and Azriel set a steady hand on your knee once again. "I kissed her."

"I kissed him back. We... We got about as far as getting his shirt and mine off before neither of us could take it anymore." One of Rhys' tears finally fell, trickling down his cheek, and your throat stung. "It was love, but it wasn't the love we wanted. It wasn't right. it was forced, and we hated it, so instead, we cried together for hours, and never spoke of it again. That night disappeared into just another of the days we cried away down there."

Moving now, you knelt on the ground before Azriel, his face blank, taking his hands in your own and clutching them to your chest as those first tears finally came free.

"It was the one and only time I have been unfaithful to you, Az, and I am so, so sorry."

"Oh, my love, is that why you've been upset all day?" He finally murmured, hands coming out to cup your cheeks, smoothing along and wiping away all the tears that fell. "It's okay. I know your heart belongs to me, I know you don't want to hurt me, I know you love me as much as I love you."

"But I kissed him!" More tears spilled over, a broken sob escaped, and Azriel gave a soft chuckle.

"S'okay. I've kissed him before too. Actually, Rhysand was my first kiss, back when I was a rowdy youth in those camps."

"That was before we were together, it wasn't the same!" Your blubbering hardly made sense to you, but he still seemed to understand it, stroking his thumbs over your cheeks lightly.

"Would it make you feel better if I got even?" You paused, trying to process his words, and he stood before you. He paced across the room, Rhysand's eyes widening as Azriel stalked towards the desk, and you shot to your feet at the same time Rhysand all but fell from his chair.

"Az, woah, hold on—" Rhys held up his hands, and Azriel lifted a hand. Grabbing him by the neck, Azriel hauled him in, barely giving Rhysand a chance to move before— before his lips were slamming down onto his friends.

Azriel kissed him fiercely, lips moving against Rhys' who squeaked, before slowly lowering hands raised in defence to sit on Azriel's shoulders. Your mate slipped his hand into Rhys' hair, scratching lightly at the back of his scalp, and when he pulled back, Rhysand let out a breathy sound.

Licking over slick lips, Azriel wiped his thumb over Rhys', smirking as he pulled away, patting the High Lord's cheek.

"There, does everyone feel a little better now?" He waved a finger between himself and Rhys. "You kissed Rhys, so did I. Now we're even, and you don't have to worry at all, my love."

"Fucking hell, Az. I thought you were gonna' hit me." Rhys mumbled, slumping back down into his seat, and Az grinned, ruffling his hair.

Before you could speak again, Feyre was bouncing across the room, gripping your damp cheeks and planting a smacking peck on your lips, beaming as she pulled back. "There, now everyone's even!"

"Fey—" Az started, and Rhysand waved a hand.

"Shhh, Az, let the magic happen."

"Oh Gods, Rhys, shut up!"

[coffeebrownn]

ur winterfield art is so cute I love how you depict both of them💛do u have any winterfield headcanons you’d feel comfortable sharing?💛

WAAA THANK YOU SO MUCH!! GLAD YOU ENJOY THEM!! 😭😭

also, my time to shine,,, funnily i don't have much headcanon about them in terms of relationship(?) i have individual headcanon and then see how they interact 😭, but yea! here you go

chris only remember ethan's face in detail since his job is meeting new people and they come and go pretty quick, even someone who's close with chris, he only remember them on what qualities they stuck the most, claire with her red leather jacket, jill with her gruff voice, leon with his chicken handwriting, etc. So you can say that out of everyone, ethan for chris stuck out like a sore of thumb, and ethan finds it pretty comforting.

i picture them living in alaska with new identities, off from populated area but close enough to a major city if there's any emergency, so you can see both of them mellow out (took the a few years), still each of them wear a cap/scarf to cover their face partially.

all of them (chris, ethan, rose) takes medication daily. chris is getting old and have some issue with his mental problems. for both ethan and rose is mold related, ethan has additional medication for his mental health

chris mostly rest his eyes and never really go into deep sleep, so he could monitor ethan, but at the same time he's very self conscious on how loud he can snore. They have a guest room and sometimes chris sleeps there or the floor.

they have a "no shoe indoor" house because of chris, from his worldly travel, he finds it fascinating that some culture does this and thought that i'll bring everyone closer together, because of that they (chris,ethan, rose) does family activities together, naps on the floor, play. etc. But because of this they mop the floor weekly for hygiene and they wear slippers.

ethan still suffer from social anxiety even with extensive therapy and consultation (with or without chris), and because of that for the most part he stays at home since it's his "safe place" and chris knows this well. So, he prepared and got themselves a house with good enough backyard as chris doesn't want ethan to feel trapped inside, but ethan did muster up enough energy to leave the house sometime as he doesn't like the particular feeling of "burdening other due to my circumstances" and chris appreciates that ethan is taking small steps

a very boring, quiet couple, they just have a very mundane life, walks rose to kindergarten, walk to park, cook food, eat dinner together, laundry, read books, etc. i guess the boring part is they don't really bicker (argue yes, teasing also happens often), but their presences just lifts each other up. They don't need to reassure each other "i love you" that kind of sentences, they trust each other deeply and so much so that you thought that they can read each other's mind

they take turns dressing rose to kindergarten, but for the most part it's chris since he wakes up pretty early to work on the bakery, this also one of the reason why chris prepares breakfast and lunch for them.

some NSFW headcanon (nothing too spicy but PLEASE DNI IF YOU'RE UNDERAGE) (tldr; they don't really do it)

sex isn't their first priority/ comes to mind, they're both old, but for the most part chris just lets ethan do whatever (so bottom!chris), he's tired and he like to get pampered time to time.

and for the most part i can picture them to forget what they're doing and just side line to them mostly cuddle

#winterfield #chris redfield #ethan winters #re #rebhfun #headcanon #resident evil

[icouldntfindthedoor]

relationship headcanons for Konig with a male reader?

So this delves into my personal headcanons for König's backstory, written in a separate post. Trigger warnings for mention of abuse.

He tries to deny how he feels at first. He struggles with his bisexuality for a long time, as he was hurt by a male family member when he was a child and he has an intense fear of turning into the bastard that hurt him. He at first thinks his affections for another man are sick perversions and so he tries to bury them deep.

Going to therapy and discussing things with a doctor help, and it's a relief to hear someone else tell him his feelings aren't wrong or sick, they're normal. He's normal. He's fine.

Even with that knowledge, he struggles to open up to his SO about how he feels. Every time he thinks he will, his mouth goes dry and he can barely get a word out. Either his SO confesses first or they suffer a near-death experience together, and while on an adrenaline rush masks are pulled off and mouths smashed together and König's tongue is in his SO's mouth and then it dawns on them what's going on and he's like ???????? Oh, Scheisse I'm late for something bye.

He doesn't want to talk about it.

It takes being put on a mission with his SO, alone, for him to finally open up about his feelings, his face burning under his mask and his hands shaking so bad his gun nearly falls out of them.

"I didn't mean to kiss you." "Oh? Well, that's a shame. Because I definitely meant to kiss you."

When they've been dating for a long time, almost two years, he finally tells his SO why he freaked out at first. He talks about the abuse, the shame, and how even now he'll have nightmares about hurting his SO. His SO asks him if he can hold him. König nods and his SO pulls him in for a hug and tells him he's so sorry that happened to him, that he wishes he could take all the pain away. And make the bastard who hurt König bleed.

He's like Ghost in that he doesn't like PDA, but he's touchy in other ways. Clapping his SO on the back, brushing debris out of his hair and giving his hand or arm a quick squeeze as he walks by.

He likes being the little spoon when they cuddle, but it also depends on his mood. If he's suffering from triggers about his abuse, he doesn't want to be held or touched at all. This happened a lot in the earlier stages of their relationship. It took a lot of time, patience and love for König to feel safe and secure with his SO.

Stares at his SO's ass whenever he gets a chance. Has no shame in telling him that.

Both out on the field and in privacy he likes teasing his SO and lowkey flirting, knowing full well his accent flusters his SO. He doesn't go too far though when they're on a mission, they need to stay focused after all. But he'll still call his SO a "guter Junger/good boy" for getting something done or that his new uniform looks good on him. It would look even better on König's floor.

Is very protective of his SO. If anyone threatens him or tries to hurt him, König can and will cut a bitch. He knows his SO can handle himself but König feels like he needs to make a point. Don't touch his boyfriend.

He keeps his SO up to date on his fantasy books. Like you won't believe what this bastard did in this book, liebling, he lied to his daughter about her mother being dead! And he goes back to reading furiously, scoffing every once in a while, presumably when said bastard speaks.

When he's suffering bad panic attacks, he doesn't want to be touched or told not to worry, but he does want to listen to his SO read from one of his books. It doesn't matter which one, he just wants to hear his soothing voice distracting him from whatever triggered the panic attack in the first place.

#König' #könig call of duty #konig x reader #konig x male reader

[jaymesdoodles]

As much as I really dislike Willy. It makes sense if he would be a veteran. Especially with the way he acted and everything. Especially about masculinity and everything. It also makes sense if he was also a victim of abuse too. Because people don't just. Randomly do that. Abuse doesn't just come out of nowhere.

That's literally what the story is about. That's literally why we've gotten such a human side of everything with all of these characters. They are human. They are victims. Intergenerational trauma is a very real thing. Evil doesn't come from nothing. That's WHY the Doodler is sympathetic. Because it's a story about how those evils come to be. That so much of hate comes for ignorance and misunderstandings.

This is why Anthony always tells us that everything Willy is doing comes from fear. When we look into the motivations, it's always some he's terrified of. Because that is the source of hate. This is why Daddy/creator magic is fear and love and not hate and love. Because Willy, The Doodler and everything other villain aren't just doing this out of hate. But fear. Whatever that fear is. It's scares the shit out of them. And it's very real to them.

I think what is happening to the forgotten realms is a really good example of this. Obviously when dood was still above the world it was heavily influencing everyone, but I don't think that was everything. The people are doing everything down there not just from the corruption, but out of fear and survival. They are doing all these terrible things because they need to live and they are scared. And it makes them fearful of others. It makes them invested with hate.

But all of this is human. Even if people are aware of their terrible actions and continue to do terrible things. I think it's important in this story to understand that every villain has been incredibly human. Because even humans can be terrible and evil. Ordinary evils happen more than we might understand.

I think it's why it's important that we knew the S1 Dads. We know them. We understand what they have been through. We understand what has been unleashed because of them. We understand the mistakes they left for their kids to clean up, and then now their grandkids are cleaning up.

We know them because it makes us understand the kiddads. We can look at them through a sympathetic lens. All of them. And understand why didn't just randomly turn out this way.

You traumaize your kids whether you want to or not. I think even in the best relationships in the world. That there are ways you traumatized your children. No matter how gentle it way or how many books you read or if you went to therapy. You will fuck up. That is just the reality of life. But it's not something that means that it's a failure.

We know the kiddads are traumatized. We know that their parents tried their best. We know that the kiddads after everything they went through tired wjat they could and Still fucked up. But these relationships aren't damaged forever. We know this. We know that Grant loves his dad despite awaking something in him and probably scarring him forever. We know that Ron probably fucked up thousands of times, but Terry Jr loves him so much. We have an example of a parent that fucked up more with Glenn, but we know that he cares deeply about Nicky despite what happened. We know Nicky loves his dad even if it will never be the same. Even with Jodie we know that there has been mistakes, but he's tried a lot with son. We know that sometimes it's as good as it gets. With Henry we don't know everything that happened. We don't know why the twins stopped talking to him. But everything we saw and some of the flashbacks we knew that he'd do anything for his boys and the twins love their dad, and their is no denying that.

These relationships are complex. Probably the most complex and sibling relationships following. These traumas don't just happen. These are things that build up over time. We see that with the doodler. This story is about intergenerational trauma. The doodler is literally a representation of all the emotions that come with childhood and adulthood of being a parent and being someone's kid. That's what the story is about. That's why we literally have this story in the point of view of the dads and the teens. Because that's what it's all about. How family can be our own villains, but also our heros. They every part of the story. The middle, the end and the beginning.

#jaymes talks #dndads #dungeons and daddies #dndaddies

[llynwen]

hey I saw your tags abt reading the MM book too and I desperately need to hear abt it from more ppl that also shoved it up their ass. Thoughts?

oh brother you have no idea just how many thoughts i have about it.

i really didn't wanna read the book because i knew it was going to make me go insane, but then a friend of mine who i'm trying to force to watch the show (i beg of you martyna. it's so good) decided to get it for me for my birthday.

from the very first few fucking pages i was Perplexed, to put it lightly. i was expecting a light and breezy autobiography with some silly childhood anecdotes and maybe behind the scenes tea about the hollywood crowd. Instead i was served almost 300 pages of trauma dumping, philosophical ruminations and some very TMI info that i wish i never read. i rated this book 5/5 on goodreads btw.

the first thing that really knocked me on my ass was this (i'm ignoring the ketchup story i DON'T want to think about that)

this should've given me an idea about that kind of book this was gonna be. yet i continued on, blindly, thinking, okay maybe he just wanted to get that out there. more power to him. whatever. (not really).

then the motherfuckers starts explaining his little philosophy, the titular green lights, right? and i'm like, yeah. i agree. you're correct. but why did it take you 50 years to figure this out? i'm 24 and i've been living by this very logic for years. Anyways. i continue reading.

now, bro spends half the book trying to convince us his parents were NOT abusive. i disagree. i think he has stockholm syndrome. i hope he's in therapy. i don't wanna think about this either.

now, this is where i started catching on that he was lying to me. i know it took me an embarrassingly long time, but i was giving him the benefit of the doubt. the undead parrot and the 13 story tree house, however, was what made me go Wait A Damn Minute.

yeah, turns out this book isn't a memoir, it's a mix between a magical realism novel, a self help handbook and a philosophical treaty. served to you on really nice paper (i mean Really nice. i appreciate that) with important words in bold, italics or even sometimes in green (which i appreciate even more, since i am tragically dyslexic).

after establishing that all men do is, in fact, lie, i gained a different outlook on the whole thing (i swear i need to read it again, this time in full englit major mode, make some notes and dissect this thing like it's shakespeare).

i like how candid he is about kind of getting lucky with the whole famous thing. he really took that slutty slutty waist and peculiar bone structure of his and said I'm Gonna Make A Career Out Of This. good for him.

he is, however, just a man, and at the end of the day, you can really tell he sees the world through his privilege. the white straight cis christian rich and famous thing kinda sways him into obnoxious territory in some parts, and it had me seething with rage. like, i too would love to go hike through south america because it came to me in a dream. i'd looooove to go visit my favorite unknown artist in a country on the other side of the world. i was half hoping to read about a piranha biting his shlong off when he went skinny dipping in the motherfucking amazon. (un)fortunately, no dice.

the david and goliath story made me chuckle out loud. he makes it Just believable enough to make you think about it. i like being made to think.

the philosophics continue in the form of the single most cursed wall of chicken scratches i ever did see. i sat there, straining my eyes, trying to decipher this shit, and i'm pretty sure he was on something when he wrote it because all of this

could be summed up with "you've gotta leave your comfort zone to learn more about yourself and the world." suck my cock dude.

i Really like how he talks about his wife. but then again, when you look at her, there really isn't any other way of talking about her.

i mean. how the Fuck did his stinky ass pull this goddess. lucky bastard.

now, the 3ish pages where he talks about filming the show (which was the whole reason i even started reading) are criminally underwhelming. i was hoping for a sneak peak into that elusive 450 page manuscript (i will Steal your laptop matthew. watch out), but instead i got a one liner of him being like i wanna play rusty because he's the specialest little girl in the whole entire world and the producers going yeah fine. THAT'S IT. still mad about this, especially because after that he hits you with the love letter to new orleans. i mean be serious. he should Not be allowed to write shit like that.

to summarize, i think he might be a genius, or he might be insane. he is probably both. i want to shove this book up his ass for many reasons, for example him making me learn the names of his kids (i hate knowing things about celebrity kids. leave them out of this) or for making me agree with him. because i do. agree. I don't appreciate his continued efforts to convert me to christianity and i think he's disgustingly obnoxious in some places, but the truth is he has a real cool outlook on a lot of things and i'm very mad that i now respect this bastard for more than his acting skills. i would like to buy him a six pack and listen to him talk about it. i'd love to argue with him, too. i can recommend this book to everybody who feels like they need to experience some psychic damage and maybe an existentialist crisis alongside it. on Very Nice Paper.

#i can never think about lord byron the same #damn you matthew #banger of a read for realsies #ask #matthew mcconaughey