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iwhishtomeetinournextlife · 3 years

Text

An anonymous lover (Part 5)

Summary : Y/N sees Sirius Black running away after a particularly rough letter from his mother. She wants to cheer him up and decide to send him a letter, anymously, she knows how much he hates her house.

Warnings : Slytherin!Reader, female!reader, angst, arguing, not proof read

Word count : 2.2k

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - You're here - Part 6 - Part 7

English is not my first language, sorry if there is any mistakes

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It is not possible. It is a mistake. He has dream of that moment so much, he is just imagining things now.

Sirius was in his dorm, laying down, looking at the stars on the canopy of his bed. He has stuck all the enveloppe he had receive decored with stars there, so he could see the sky before falling asleep, this had helped him to sleep better for the past few weeks.

But even the soothing looks of the stars could not help him calm his mind, he simply could not believe the person he was exchanging letters with, for now soon to be two months, was a slytherin. He knows her house shouldn’t be important, that no matter what she had helped him in so many ways, but he had developped such a hated for this house, he could simply not accept it.

He didn’t dare to compare the handwriting, fearing it would be indeed true, but after a few minutes he finally decided to look, he had to be sure, he couldn’t stay in the mystery like that for much longer.

He took the notes Y/N gave to him and the latest letter, the one he got today, it was a warming letter, she was talking about how she used to climb trees with her brother when she was a kid but never dared to go high, and how all the assignment was stressing her out and that writing to him helps her feeling better. Sirius felt like shit reading the lines.

He finally compare the two handwriting and threw his head back when they were the same. All the memories of the letter who were a source of joyed turned into a taste of disgust in the back of his tongue. What was before a blessing to be able to read those impossible lines became a curse. He hated it.

He hated how much of an impact her being a slytherin had on him, he didn’t want to deal with the emotion and decided to burry it deep inside of him. He didn’t copy the notes Y/N gave him and used Remus’ instead, he didn’t go to supper that evening, he didn’t respond to the letter like usual, and he didn’t sleep that night.

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Y/N was a bit surprise to not have any letters from Sirius that night, she had not see him in the Great Hall either, that got her a bit worried. She tried to reassure herself, he did say he had difficulties with that specific potion so he was probably studying.

She laughed at that idea, she had never seen him study before, clever and smart Sirius. Always finding ways out of situation, always the right answer in class if he bothered participating. The two month were over soon she realised and he had still to find her. She felt a bit of dispointment but also a satisfaction of winning the bet. She blushed when she remembered Sirius had promised a date if he find her before. Would he still wants to ask her if the bet was over ?

She thought for a moment, she hoped he would, she was still a bit scared to reveal herself, but she was confident everything would go alright if she did. After all, they had spend so much time sharing their hearts, it couldn’t desappear that easily, right ?

The next day she searched for him in the crowd and she felt her stomach flip, he looked livid, her first thought went to his mother, has she send another letter ? She felt so bad for him, she just wanted to hold him in her arms and tells him everything would be alright because he was capable of anything.

When their eyes met, Sirius quickly looked away, he didn’t want to see her, didn’t want to think of all the things happening in his head and she was only making things worse. Y/N didn’t know what to think of that, she decided to let him his space, he could always write to her if he needed her help.

But Y/N’s concern only got worse, it was Remus who gave her back her notes, and when she asked if Sirius was ok, he just nodded and said he will be alright. He completly ignore her in class, and wierdly enough he seemed to look at her way more often than before but always looked away when she noticed him.

She send a little message, a very short one, “Are you ok ? I’m worried”, all she was able to write down, she felt a weight in her stomach getting heavier every day and sharp glass in her throat forbbiding her to talk.

Those feeling only got worse when Sirius only responded with “I know who you are. Astronomy tower, 11PM, tomorrow” Y/N has never sweat that much in her entire life.

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The walk from the dungeon to the astronomy tower was a long walk, and she was very careful to not get caught by anyone patrolling the corridors, she was trembling like a leaf in the wind. Each step getting heavier. But when she finally arrived, he was there, looking at the window, he turned to her when he heard someone enter.

For a solid second they just stand there, looking at eachother, not daring to say a word, but after a few moment it Y/N who spoke. “So... You know who I am”

“Yeah..”, his eyes looked in the void, he didn’t know what to do, he felt completly paralized. “Well.. What now ?” she didn’t dare to look a him either. “I don’t know”

Y/N froze for a moment, he didn’t know ? He is the one who asked her to come here ! After all they shared to one another, all the words exchanged, all those freaking kisses and hugs that’s all he had to say ? What for ? “Is it because I’m a slytherin ?”

Sirius didn’t answer for a moment but that spoke for itself, Y/N scoffed, tears running down her cheeks. “Of course” Sirius frowned “What do you mean by that ?”

“Of FUCKING course the great Sirius Black can’t deal with the fact he befriended a slytherin, how could have i been this stupid to think he could get over his own prejudice on a house he knows nothing about” Sirius stood from the window seat and walked to her visibly pissed “I know enough ‘bout yer stupid house to know t’s just a bunch a soon to be death eaters !”

Y/N open her mouth, completly shocked “Death eater ? Death. Eaters ? What do you even know about it ? Have you even try to talk to-” “Actually, yes, I did ! And mind ya all those I have talked to are nothing but monsters, so I prefer keep you and your kind away from me as much as possible”

Heavy tears were falling, how could he say that ? Her voice were cracking “Me and my kind ?! Do I look like a monster to you ?” Sirius opened and closed his mouth a few times “Maybe, yeah ! I know nothing about you !”

“NOTHING ?! I OPEN MY HEART TO YOU AND SERVED IT ON A GOLDEN PLATE !”

“WELL I DON’T WANT IT ! YOUR PEOPLE ARE NOTHING BUT A SHAME TO THESE SCHOOL, I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW YOU ARE LET STUDYING HERE ! NOTHING BUT ABOMINATIONS ! YOU WILL JU-”

“MAY I KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE ?!”

Y/N and Sirius froze, Professor McGonagall and prefect were standing at the door, arms crossed, a severe look on her face. “So ? I’m waiting”. Both the students were heads down, ashamed of being caught like four years old. It is Sirius who answered “Nothing Professor", she frowned when she saw the tears Y/N was quickly swipping away and her puffy eyes. “Well I am sure you will gladly do nothing at your detention tomorow after class”

“Yes Professor” have they replied in union, “Now, I believe you both know the way back to your dorm ? Go Miss Y/L/N, accompagny her Mister Collins, and it better not happen again” Y/N nod, unable to say another word and got out, following Collins. “Follow me Mister Black”, Sirius followed without a word.

After a few minutes, when they were starting to climb the moving stairs back to the Gryffindor commun room, she spoke, “I will not hide to you that I am quite desappointed Mister Black”, he frowned but before he could they anything, McGonagall added “I heard enough of your conversation to know what was happening, Mister Black” He felt his blood running out his face, probably leaving whiter than snow. “Professor I-”

“I don’t need your explainations, what you have said to Miss Y/L/N is simply intolarable, I thought better of you” Sirius was now red of shame, he didn’t know what to say, actually, he already regretted every words, he regretted them the second they have left his lips. “I can understand your disfavour toward the slytherin, I know your difficult relationship with your family and the fact they were all from this house, but I need you to understand that not all slytherin are bad people, the same way not all people who were from gryffindor turned out to be good people. Do you understand ?” Sirius nodded “I want you to think about it, goodnight Mister Black”

Sirius said goodbye and enter the common room before going to his shared dorm, he was not surprise to see that none of the marauders were sleeping. Sirius put the map he had used to sneek out in James drawer, his friend spoke “Where were you ?”

He didn’t answered at first, letting himself flopped on his bed, face first and groaning into his pillow. His friends looked at each other, worried, “Were you with a girl ?”, that only made him groaned louder. “C’mon, talk t’ us” said Remus, who stood up to sat beside his friend.

Sirius didn’t said anything for a moment, he was gnaw with guilt, he wanted all he said back, when he remember you crying his chest tighten, it was his fault if those tears were rolling down your cheek, if you were screaming at him, he had said such horrible thing to you but you didn’t said anything bad, you just observe a hard truth : this idiot could not go past his jugmental ass.

“The anonymous lover is Y/N”, all the marauders gasped together and hurried beside on his bed. “So ? What happenned ? You should be through the roof !” Sirius turned around, “I knew it for ‘ few days now”, James widen his eyes “ ‘nd you did tell us ?!”

Sirius grimaced “I know ! ‘m sorry ! ‘t just...” Remus frowned, something bad happened. “Pads, what have y’ done ?”, he simply put a pillow on his face, groaning and speaking intelligible words. “Wha’ ?”

“I TOLD HER SLYTHERIN WERE ABOMINATIONS !” they all sat there for a moment. James finally took the pillow from Sirius and hit him as hard as he possibly could with it “You. Are. An. I. DI. OT.”

“OUCH ! Yeah, YEAH ! I know, stop hitting me !” but he didn’t stop before a few more hit. He stop and catched back his breath. “I wouldn’t like to be you” said Peter, “Yeah, no shit Worm-” -another hit from James- “What do I do now ?!”

“Wha’ ? ‘cause you want her now ?” questionned Remus, he did not approve of his friend behavior, but he assumed that since he basicly called her a monster, he must not want to be with her. He observed his friend for a moment “C’mon, tell us everythin’ “

Sirius told them everything, from how he foud out, to what McGonagall had told him, passing by the horrible things he said to Y/N and him hiding his feelings away, getting interrupt occasionly by hit from James. But then he stopped, realising something horrible. “Oh no. Oh no no no no, I’M BECOMMING MY MOM !” He put his face in his hands. “I said such horrible things to her, she didn’t deserved any of it ! How do I make her feel better ?” He sounded desperate.

James put a hand on his friend’s shoulder “You gotta show her you really regret wha’ you said”

“Maybe some gifts ?” suggested Peter.

“Nah, first you have to deal with yer slytherin hate” said Remus.

Sirius frowned “What do you mean ?”

“If you want to date a slytherin, you have to deal with your irrational hate towards all of ‘hem”

“It’s not irrational ! I have perfectly good reas-” but he stopped mid-sentence, it was the argument with Y/N all over again, he sighed, he did need to deal with that.

“Let’s sleep, it’ll be better tomorow” said James who went to his own bed, the rest nodded and did the same.

Sirius put on some pyjamas and laid there for long minutes, thinking about why he hated slytherin so much, about his family, about Y/N. About the tears he caused, he wanted to punch himself for that, he swore that night that he will do anything to put a smile on her face and never see her cry again. He knew it will be hard but he will do anythign to deserve her fogiveness.

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@blackpinkdolan @jentaculargums @bruxa0007 @deathkat657 @theincredibledeadlyviper @bleh-bleh-blehs @whiskeypowder @edithsvoice @weasleybeb

#An anonymous lover #sirius black x reader #marauders x reader #sirius x reader

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atinydise · 4 years

Text

Ateez reacting to their s/o being scared of flying

❦ Genre: Fluff.

❦ Pairing: OT8.

❦ Word count: 3k.

❦ Requested: Yes, thank you! 🦋

❦ Masterlist.

HONGJOONG

Hongjoong and you needed to go to Paris for the Fashion Week. He insisted to go there with you. “I’m so excited!” he claimed, sitting on his seat. “Oh yeah… me too.” You replied quietly. Hongjoong noticed that you were quiet as soon you stepped in the airport. At first, he thought that you were probably tired, it was 4 AM. “What is the first thing you want to do when he will arrive in Paris?” “Hum… If it’s at night, I will definitively go to the Eiff-” you started. When you felt the plane moving a bit, you couldn’t help but to hold your security belt tighter against you.

“Y/N?” Asked Hongjoong. You couldn’t reply, you were like in your own world. In your mind, you were alone in this plane. Terrified and paralyzed. You never say it to Hongjoong that you were terrified of plane. You saw so many things about crashes or accidents that you were imagining a thousand of horrible scenes. “Y/N, I might be wrong but… you don’t seem really comfortable right now.” Said Hongjoong. You wiped the single tear sliding on your cheek. “It’s okay, I was just a little scared.” “Scared? Of what?” He asked, obviously worried for you. “Plane,” you scratched your head, embarrassed. “Really? Why you never told me! I would never bring you here!” “You really wanted to go to Paris. I didn’t want to ruin the moment and one of your biggest dream.” You explained, mentioning the Fashion Week. “Babe… you are too kind sometimes.” He held your hand. “But I would completely understand the situation.” “It’s okay, now we are in already.” You bit your lip of anxiety. Hongjoong looked around him to see if you had time to go out of the plane, but the air hostess started to talk about the security rules. “Well… I will try to help you as I could to make you relaxed enough!” “I doubt you can but let’s give it a try,” you smiled. For the whole flight, Hongjoong was making sure you were comfortable enough and that you could rest. He chose good movies for you, played his favorite playlist and you talked the whole night when everyone was sleeping. You almost forgot you were 873 km away from the earth.

SEONGHWA

“Are you ready babe?” Yelled Seonghwa, closing his luggage. You sat on the bed, behind your boyfriend. “Not yet,” you whispered, resting your head on his back. “We leave in 7 hours; you should get ready!” He reminded you. “7 hours? It’s okay I will have enough time…” “Usually, you are the first one ready.” He stated. “This is a strange.” “I’m just lazy I guess.” You lied, wrapping your arms around his waist. “Do you smell this scent?” You sniffled to smell something, “What?” “Isn’t your perfume?” “I don’t have any perfu-” “The LIAR perfurme,” he claimed. You rolled your eyes and pocked his side, making him whine a little bit. “I’m not lying.” “You seem anxious and stressed babe, I can see something is wrong.” He rubbed the arm still wrapped around his waist. “Nothing to worry about,” you replied. You didn’t want to tell Seonghwa about your flying fear. It’s probably the stupidest fear for him. He’s an idol, he needs to go overseas so many times that plane was like his second house. Seonghwa turned around so he could face you. You pouted a bit when you lost your comfortable “human pillow”. “Just tell me. You know you can tell me everything.” He stared right into your eyes. You sighed; a bit ashamed. “But this is stupid.” “Just tell me Y/N,” he repeated. “You won’t give up huh?” You flicked his forehead. “I won’t,” he replied. “Okay…,” you gave up. “I’m just scared of flying.” Seonghwa raised his eyebrows, surprised. But he simply nodded and grabbed his phone. “What are you doing?” you asked, a bit disoriented. “Cancelling our flight and renting a car.” “What? Seongh-” “We will take the plane when you will be ready,” he kissed your cheek before leaving the room. “This boy…” you smiled, falling on the bed.

YUNHO

You were in the van with the whole group. They needed to go in America for their new world tour. Yunho invited you to come for all the US stops. Of course, you accepted. You really wanted to follow your boyfriend overseas and learning new cultures. But at first you didn’t realize that going to United States means you will need to fly. You tried to find a ton of excuse to stay safe at home but a part of you really wanted to go there with Yunho and the whole group. So, there you are, sitting between Yunho and Mingi in the van. With these 2 towers, you can’t even jump off the car. “Are you okay Y/N?” Asked San behind you, pocking your shoulder. “You look tense.” “Ah?” you sneered. “Probably just tired by thinking of these longs hours of flight.” “I will ask the pilot to do some looping to wake you up.” He laughed at you. “NO!” you yelled; a bit too loud. “I mean… No.” you repeated quietly this time. “By any chance… are you scared of flying?” giggled Yunho. “Huh? What no!” you chuckled. “Cool because we have a ton of flights coming for this tour!” he pocked your cheek. “Oh… so cool…” you smiled shyly, hiding your embarrassment. They continued to talk about the tour and the flights the whole way to the airport. It wasn’t helping your fear to go away. You could imagine a thousand of scenes in your head, but they all ended by a crash. You were so focus in your thoughts, that you didn’t notice that everyone was already out of the van. “Y/N,” called Yunho. “Huh? Yes?” You looked at your boyfriend. “You’re not coming?” he asked, smiling lightly at you. “I don’t know…” you ran your hands in your hair, completely lost and frustrated. “What’s happening?” “I never told you about that because it’s probably so stupid but… I’m really really like really really really really really-” “Really what Y/N?” he stopped you. “Scared of plane, flying and stuff like that.” You finished; you avoided his stare. “Y/N! Yunho!” called San from the airport entrance. Your boyfriend made a quick sign, to make them understand that you were coming. “I know I should have told you earlier, but I really want to go there with you and the boys.” “Do you think you can handle all of these stops?” “I need to,” you shrugged. “I will help you to relax okay?” he tended his hand to you. “Okay…” you hesitate but held his hand. “It’s going to be okay!” He smiled. “It’s going to be the best time of your life!”

YEOSANG

You were reading a book about how to erase the flying fear you had since a long time. Yeosang and the group needed to go to Japan for a special promotion. Your boyfriend decided that it would be a good opportunity to bring you there since it would be your 2nd anniversary. After thinking about this proposition, you accepted. But you needed to find something which could help you to suppress or at least reduce the fear a bit. “I don’t want to take medicine…” you bit your lip. “I want something natural.” Too far in your thoughts, you didn’t notice Yeosang’s head appearing at the door frame. “Yes, but medicines are faster…” you changed your mind. “Y/N,” whispered Yeosang. “Gosh! You scared me!” You put your hand against your chest. “What are you doing?” he raised his eyebrow. “Nothing, just reading.” He stepped in the room, carefully closing the door before. “Reading what? A medical story?” he asked. You understood that he heard you talking about the pills. “Ah y-yeah… kinda.” You stuttered. “It’s a love but tragic story.” Yeosang laid down next to you, enjoying the warmness of the bed. “Are you ready for our little trip by the way?” “Talking about this…” you started. “Do you really think it’s a good idea? I mean it’s our first trip, it’s a big deal.” Yeosang looked at you, not understanding what you wanted to say. “It’s our 2nd anniversary, we are grown enough to spend 3 days in Japan.” “Yes, I know! But Japan is… you know, far away!” You played with the hem of your hoodie. “We could start with something closer! Like… I don’t know… Busan?” you offered. Your boyfriend sat up on his elbows, “what if instead of lying you tell me why you don’t want to go to Japan?” ‘He’s smart’, you thought. Visibly, you can’t lie to him. “Okay, it’s just that I’m scared of flying. It’s paralyzing me just to think about it!” “Oh, I didn’t know that.” “I never told you.” You whispered shyly. “Then… let’s cancel it and go somewhere else when I come back?” “Hmm… you were supposed to comfort me and told cringy things which could help me to hop in the plane, like in these fanfictions.” You claimed. “This is nonsense…” he yawned, laying back on the bed. “If you feel strong enough to beat your fear then come with me. I won’t force you to do anything.” “You and your nice vibes…” you rolled your eyes. “I know, I’m the perfect boyfriend.” He claimed before turning in the bed. “Just tell me when you’re ready. I’ll wait.”

SAN

You were walking with San, hand in hand, in the street. The weather was nice and not really cold. Just a hoodie or a simple jacket would keep you warm. “This is such a good night!” declared San happily. “Yes,” you giggled. “Good thing you had a night off.” “The promotion is going to end soon so I’ll be freer.” He brought you closer to him. “Oh already? I love to see your performing.” You pouted. “It’s the last promotion for this comeback not my career.” “I know but still.” San stopped in his track. You were about to ask him what was happening, but he pointed the ice cream truck in the corner of the street. “I thought you were dieting,” you smirked. “This night is too beautiful to think about a diet!” he stuck his tongue out at you and pulled you to the truck. You sat on a bench while your boyfriend was picking the sweet dessert. When you saw the smile on his face, you couldn’t help but to fall in love over and over again. “Why are you looking at me like I was the ice cream?” he laughed. You blushed lightly, but hopefully he couldn’t see it. “Just give it to me.” “Like this? No it’s boring. Open your mouth so I can do the plane. Like babies.” “Plane?” you repeated. “Yes,” he nodded. “Your parents never did the plane to help you to eat?” “I don’t think I’ll remind something like that, but they probably did.” You scratched your arm. “Maybe I would be less scared of planes with this technic.” San handed the ice cream to you, “really? It’s like a little fear or a phobia?” “I guess that it’s a phobia.” You shrugged. “I can’t stop thinking of crashing and stuff…” “Hum… like everyone, I guess. We all have this apprehension.” “Yes, but actually, you can go there. I can’t even step inside.” San stared intensely at you. “I can help you with that.” You sneered, “and how?” “Just relax and you’ll completely forget you are in a plane.” “Without being mean, let me doubt about that.” You replied. San brought his pinky fingers to your face. “Promise. I’ll erase all of your flying fear.” You hesitate. Erasing a phobia isn’t so easy. But with San, everything seems possible. “Okay, you better keep your promise.” You intertwined your pinky with his.

MINGI

You were with Mingi at the airport. Precisely, in the line to give your luggage. Mingi was so excited to go on tour with you. He asked a thousand of time his manager and CEO. Honestly, you think they accepted because they were done hearing him saying “please please please please pretty pleeease” the whole day. It’s a good thing for you now. You would enjoy the Europe countries and their special charms. But before strolling around the Eiffel Tour or the Madame Tussaud Museum, you would need to take a long flight. Flight means plane. Plane means your biggest fear. But the worst part, is that you will need to act like nothing is going on since Mingi ignored the whole thing. How you could hide your shaky legs for all the stops? “Babe what’s your seat number?” asked Mingi. “2-261,” you stuttered, trying to suppress the sob in your throat. “Okay I’m 262 so everything is alright.” You nodded, staring at your shoes to avoid his stare. But the man isn’t stupid, and he knows you too well. “Babe? Are you okay?” “Yep, so excited,” you lied, still staring your feet.” Mingi lifted your chin with his finger. “HUH?” he gasped, “why are you crying?” “I��m crying?!” you acted like you ignored this information. “Hey babe,” he whispered, holding you by your shoulders. “What is happening?” The question made you cry a little more. “I’m just so scared.” You sniffled. “Scared? Scared of what?” You wiped your tears, “flying.” “Ah…” he nodded. “That’s why you were always avoiding the subject.” “Ah, you noticed?” “Of course,” he giggled. “When I ask you if you are excited to fly and that you reply me that you want to bake… it was suspicious.” “Ah yes true...” you admitted. “It’s going to be okay babe, I’m here for you okay?” “Easy to tell but to do…” you sniffed. “You will be with me. So just focus on me! When you’re scared, tell me and I will help you to relax. When you are bored, tell me. I’ll entertain you.” He smiled. “Only you could make a whole fear so relaxing.” You smiled sadly. Mingi wiped the tear off your face, “everything my girl needs.”

WOOYOUNG

“Babe I need to book our flight; do you prefer to fly the morning or the night?” You gulped, “does it really matter? We are going to be stuck on a chair for 8 hours.” “Hum at night you can sleep during most of the flight.” He claimed. “Yay so I would die in my sleep...” you whispered. “Huh?” Asked Wooyoung. “What did you say?” “Night is good,” you smiled. “Okay then go for 9 PM.” You glanced at your boyfriend’s laptop screen. Just looking at those planes’ pictures made you sick. “Okay booked!” He clapped happily. “Yaay...” you claimed falsely. “I will print our tickets!” He claimed before rushing to his room. You slid lazily on the couch. “I will die...” you sighed. Why did you accepted to go to America with him? You buried a pillow on your face, secretly hoping that you will choke. “Stupid stupid stupid! So stupid Y/N!” You insulted yourself. “Babe?” Called Wooyoung with his tiniest voice. You glanced slowly at your boyfriend and gave him a shy smile. “I forgot my phone...” he pointed at the object next to you. “Ah...” you replied embarrassed. “Are... you okay?” You took a deep breath and sat up correctly on the couch. “Would you be mad at me if I say that I’m scared of flying?” “Of course not.” He replied instantly. “You are?” “Yep...” “Okay then do you want me to cancel our flight?” You shook your head, “I really want to go with you.” “Then okay!” He snapped. “I will bring so many things for the plane that you will be completely relaaax...” he smiled before rushing back to his bedroom. “What. Just. Happened?” You asked yourself. “Did you prefer Titanic? Or dirty dancing?” Yelled Wooyoung from the other room. Now, you ignored if you were scared because of your future flight or your boyfriend.

JONGHO

“What are you looking at babe?” Asked Jongho, plopping on the couch. “Suits.” You replied without even glancing at them. “You are so into Megan Merkle.” He chuckled. “She’s gorgeous!” “Sure...” he whispered, almost praying that you didn’t hear him. “Are you ready for tomorrow?” “Yes, my luggage is ready.” He sighed. “Too bad you can’t come with us.” “2 weeks isn’t that long sweetheart.” You rubbed his arm. “How can I survive without you?” He yelled dramatically. “Just FaceTime me between 2 fansigns.” You giggled. “Count me in.” You focused back on your series but Jongho asked. “By the way Y/N?” “Yes?” “Why you don’t want to come?” “I’m afraid of flying.” You replied, grabbing the pack of candy on the coffee table. “Really?” His eyes widened. “Yep...” “But you flew to Korea no?” “I spent the whole flight sleeping. I took so many pills I was slumbering for 2 days.” “Wow.” “But it’s okay. One day I will need to beat this fear again.” “Do you mean by that you will leave Korea?” He asked, worried. “No, silly.” You giggled. “I want to come with you, but now I don’t feel ready.” He kissed your hand, “I understand.” “Are you disappointed?” “What? Why would I be disappointed?” he asked. “Everyone has a fear.” “But because of this I can’t make you fully happy.” You bit your lip. “Usually I don’t curse but what?! This is bullshit Y/N!” “Come on, I know you want me to go with you…” “Yes, but it’s okay! I will just wait for you to be ready.” He insisted. “Hum…” you mumbled, not satisfied. “Listen.” He paused the TV. “I want you to come with me of course. Honestly, I want to bring you everywhere I go. But I’m not disappointed because of this. I’ll be glad to help you to be comfortable enough to go on a trip with me!” He explained. “Then I’ll do my best,” you smiled shyly. “Take your time, okay?” he kissed your hands. “Sure.”

168 notes · View notes

wefoundloveunderthelight · 3 years

Photo

Marco’s Home for Lost Boys

GleefullyCaptainSwan

Read on AO3 - Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7 , Chapter 8 , Chapter 9 , Chapter 10 , Chapter 11 (Or on FF if that’s your thing)

Tagging:

@kmomof4 @lfh1226-linda

Chapter 11: Reckoning

Killian was staring out at the ocean for what felt like hours. He had become so distracted that he hadn’t even lifted the anchor. He feared sailing out to sea in his condition.

He stepped into the bowels of his ship, looking at all the crates that Neal had him storing in his hold and his anger began to rise again. This needed to stop.

He took the photo out of his jacket and his resolve grew. He wasn’t going to let Neal get to Emma. He didn’t care if that meant everyone hated him or that he had to grovel with Graham in order to expose Gold’s secrets.

His entire life he had protected Emma and he wasn’t going to stop now just because he was ashamed of who he had become.

He ran down the plank and made the walk across the parking lot to the police station.

“I’m here to see Sheriff Graham.”

“One moment, let me see if he’s available.”

He nodded and took a seat next to the window. He hated the police station. Just sitting here made him feel like he was already guilty.

He was.

“I must say, I didn’t think you would show.” He looked up to see Graham’s smug face staring at him with apprehension.

“That makes two of us.”

“Let’s talk.” He sighed in annoyance and walked to the back of the station; Killian reluctantly followed him.

Of course, Graham would put him in one of the interrogation rooms. He knew that the man wanted to give the appearance of having the upper hand over him.

“Have a seat.” He gestured for him to sit in the chair.

“I’ll stand.”

“Of course, you will.” He says with annoyance. “So, Emma says you wanted to share some information.”

“Perhaps.”

“Either you do, or you don’t. I’m a busy man so don’t waste my time.”

Killian looked around the station. No one else was there except the man at the front desk. Raising his eyebrow, he chuckled. “Yes, things look so out of hand here.”

“Look, I’m only doing this because Emma asked me to. It’s no secret I don’t exactly like you.”

“Well, the feelings mutual then, Mate.” He plops down in the chair.

“Do you have information or not?”

“I happen to have lots of information, so really it just depends on what kind information it is you are interested in.”

“Gold. Stick to the damn information about Gold. What’s your job?”

“You are already aware that I play pirate on the Jolly Roger.”

He slams his hand on the table. “For Gold. What do you do for Gold?!”

Killian sighed. “Fine. You know, just for the record, I had no idea what he did when he hired me. I didn’t go looking for trouble.”

“Yeah, but it always finds you doesn’t it, Jones.”

“I suppose that’s a fair assessment.” He conceded.

“So, when did you realize it wasn’t on the up and up?”

“After a month I suppose. I was curious about what was in the envelopes I was gathering for Gold.”

“Cash?”

“Aye. A shit lot of it.”

“So, what was the money for?”

“At the time I wasn’t sure. I only picked up the envelopes. I didn’t ask questions. People who ask questions don’t usually show up for their next job.”

He growled, his annoyance obviously hitting his max. “Do you know anything? Because so far, you sure seem to know nothing.”

“Do you want my fucking help or…”

Suddenly the entire police station shook. They both looked at each other. “What the hell was that?”

“Sir, there was an explosion at the dock.” The man from the front desk stuck his head into the room.

Killian got up and followed Graham to the front of the station and that’s when he saw it.

Emma’s yellow bug idling next to his motorcycle.

He shoved Graham out of the way and ran toward the docks. Her car was still running with the door wide open. He looked down toward the pier. From what he could see, the spot his ship used to be sitting had been completely destroyed, fire was burning on the wreckage of what was left of her that was still floating.

He stopped thinking. His feet were numb.

“Emma.” He screamed as he pounded down the ramp to the bottom of the pier. “EMMA!”

No No No!

“Killian, isn’t that your ship?” Graham yelled from the top of the ramps to the docks.

He was looking around frantically. “Emma.” He yelled again.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw red under a large piece of wreckage on the dock.

Emma’s jacket.

His feet carried him as fast as they could run and he dropped to his knees, ripping up pieces of broken wood and throwing them behind him.

Oh God, please be alright.

He yanked the last plank from her body and cradled her into his arms, protecting her head in the base of his hands.

“Emma, please.” He begged, peppering her hair with soft kisses.

“Oh my God, is that Emma?” Graham ran up behind him, “I’ll call an ambulance.” He opened his cell phone and dialed. “What the hell happened here?”

Killian shook his head. His ship was gone, Emma was hurt. He had no idea what happened.

Why was she on the docks?

He rocked her back and forth in his arms. “Please wake up, Love. Please, I can’t do this without you.”

Her pulse was weak. Her hair was covered in soot. She had scrapes on her face and her hands. There was blood on her shirt. He had searched beneath the clothing trying to find the source. As far as he could see it was small cuts here and there. His biggest concern was the gash in the base of her skull. She must have hit her head during the blast.

If not for the destruction around them, he would have thought she was merely sleeping. She was peaceful curled around him, cradled against his chest.

He would give anything to go back to that night where she slept in his bed. He remembered her looking angelic in the hours he stayed up watching her toss in her sleep. If only he could go back and wake her with a kiss and tell her he never wanted her to leave.

“Killian, you have to let go of her.” He felt someone pulling on his arm. “Jones. They need to take her.” He looked up to see Graham staring at him. It was only then that he noticed the paramedics trying to assist Emma. “She won’t wake up.” He mumbled.

“It’s ok, we’ve got her. But we need you to let go.”

He nodded and released her to the man in uniform. He fell back against the crate and watched them put her onto the stretcher. He couldn’t feel anything. He stared blankly ahead.

Suddenly strong hands were pulling him to his feet. “Come on Jones, I’ll drive. David is going to meet us at the hospital.”

He stumbled forward and followed Graham to his cruiser, barely registering the fact that his soot covered cheeks were soaked with tears that continued to fall.

An hour later, Killian was sitting next to Emma’s bed, lazily rubbing circles on Emma’s hand. The constant beeps that annoyed him when they first arrived in the room were now serving as a sort of reassurance. She still hadn’t woken up but as long as those beeps continued, he convinced himself that she was going to be alright.

“I’m going to make some calls and see if they have found out anything about the explosion.”

Killian glanced toward Graham who stood from his chair against the wall and walked out of the room. He realized he didn’t even know the man had been in the room.

“I know you’re in there, Emma.” He whispered against her ear. “I wish I knew why you were on the pier or what happened down there. You gotta wake up and talk to me.”

He let his lips lightly graze hers, a tear sliding onto his cheek. “You have no idea what you mean to me.”

He let his forehead rest against hers. “I love you. Please wake up.”

Beep…Beep…Beep

“I came as soon as I could, what the hell happened?” David burst through the door and rushed to Emma’s other side.

Killian stood up quickly. “I don’t know. I was talking to Graham when we heard an explosion on the docks. I found her down there.” His voice was shaky.

“Yeah, that’s the story Graham told me, I was hoping you would know why the hell your ship exploded and why Emma was next to it when it did.” He eyed him for a moment. “And why were you talking to Graham anyway?”

Killian swallowed, trying to stay calm. “We have much to talk about, but right now is not the time. I can’t answer what she was doing there or what happened to my ship. I fear I have just as much information as you do.”

Beep…Beep…Beep

David looked down at Emma. “Have the doctors said anything?”

He shook his head sadly. “Nothing, just that they expect her to wake up at some point. She hit her head pretty hard. I suspect it was the railing based on where I found her.”

“I got ahold of Robin and Will earlier. They should be on their way.”

“Ah thanks, I guess I haven’t been in the right frame of mind.”

“It’s understandable, I’m just glad you were here for Emma.”

“Aye.”

The entire room erupted in noise as Will and Robin sprang into the room.

“Where is she? Is she alright?”

There were many questions and expressions of concern and worry and yet Emma remained stoically quiet, her eyes still closed.

Beep…Beep…Beep

“You have no idea what you mean to me. I love you. Please wake up.”

Emma felt like someone was playing the drums in her ears. Each loud thump caused her head to hurt more.

Beep…Beep…Beep

She tried to remember why her head hurt.

She was talking to Neal. He was being a jerk.

That was no surprise.

She slapped him. She definitely remembered how good it felt to do that.

But then she had left Neal. She was driving somewhere.

Where was she going?

The ship. She was headed to Killian’s ship.

Why was she looking for Killian?

And then she remembered. She was on the docks. There was an Explosion. Killian’s ship exploded in front of her. She didn’t get to him in time.

She lost Killian.

She felt the tears welling inside of her and she wanted to scream in sadness. Nothing was coming out of her mouth.

Why couldn’t she scream?

She heard a groan. It was coming from her. She needed to open her eyes. She blinked; streams of light brought on intense pain. She squeezed them closed again.

“Killian.” She felt like she had eaten an entire bag of cotton balls as she tried to use her vocal cords.

Her eyes blinked slowly again, lightness flooding her.

“Emma.”

She turned her head, her eyes fluttering, trying to focus on anything in the room.

And then she saw blue. He was there. He was alive.

“Are you real?” Her voice was hoarse and deep.

“Of course, I am Love.” He held her hand in his, her fingers pressed against his mouth as he peppered kisses to her knuckles.

“But you were…” She coughed and her throat hurt.

“Shh, don’t try and talk.”

“Sh..Ship.” She groaned. “Your ship. Explosion.”

“Yes, Emma my ship exploded. I don’t know what happened. I don’t even know why you were there.”

“Neal.” She swallowed hard, hoping to coat her throat with enough saliva so that she could speak easier.

“What about Neal, Love?”

She coughed and tried to sit up, but his hands kept her against her pillow. She needed to tell him before something else happened to him.

“Emma, you can’t get up.”

“No, Neal, he did this. The crates on your ship. He told me.”

“Wait, Neal told you what? When were you with Neal?”

“He said you were going to see your brother again. I went straight to the docks; he knew you were sailing, I tried to stop you. I saw the ship explode, I thought you were on it, I thought I lost you.” She was sobbing and shaking.

“Emma, please stop.” He was hugging her tightly. “You need to relax. I’m fine. I left the ship earlier to talk to Graham.”

She lay back on her pillow and pushed the tears out of her eyes. She looked up at Killian who was a million miles away in thought. She reached out and pressed her palm to his cheek and he blinked.

“I’m so sorry, he was trying to hurt me.” He whispered. “Either way, he succeeded because he hurt you.”

“I’m ok Killian.” She smiled.

“What about next time?” His voice raised to a yell and then quickly calmed.

She gulped.

“Get some sleep. There’s something I have to do.”

Emma tried to sit up again. “Killian, no, he’s not worth it.”

He kissed her forehead. “Don’t worry Love, I’m not going to see Neal. I’m doing this your way. I need to see Graham.”

A day of Reckoning was coming.

He shoved the door to the police station open, the small bell ringing over the door. It was past midnight, but he knew Graham was working the overnight shift. There was no one at the front desk at this hour so he pushed through the small door and headed to the back offices.

Graham stepped into his line of sight. “Jones, is everything alright? Is it Emma?” He seemed less hostile than he was earlier, yet there was something off about Graham. He seemed almost reserved toward Killian. Perhaps it was his concern for Emma.

He waved him off, “She’s alright. She woke up an hour ago.”

The tension in his shoulders relaxed. “Oh, thank God. So, what are you doing here?” He asked cautiously.

Killian squared his shoulders. “I’ll help you take down the Gold Empire.” His jaw clenched. “On one condition.”

Graham shook his head. “I’m not a judge, Jones, I can’t promise that you won’t do jail time.”

“I don’t care what happens to me. And you can do whatever you want to Gold.”

“So, what’s your condition?”

“Neal Cassidy is mine.”

He laughed. “Ok Jones, maybe it’s time you and I have a real chat.”

It took hours to walk through everything with Graham. He couldn’t tell if the man was feeling vindicated for having a hunch that turned out to be correct or overwhelmed by the fact that the revelations were much worse than he imagined.

“So, what is he trading then? In the ships that move inventory every night?”

“Mostly drugs, but I’ve seen guns occasionally. Felix controls the docks. So, he keeps the inventory log.”

“How did we not catch this after all these years?”

“Well to be fair, he owns a lot of people in this town. It’s easy to cover something up when so many have their hands in it and are making money off it.”

“And Neal seems to be taking on a bigger role?”

He shrugs, “Neal has become a bigger dick if that’s what you mean, but I fear that has more to do with Emma. However, the older he gets the more Gold entrusts him with.”

“Did Emma know that Neal was involved in this the whole time?”

He paused. “That’s not my story to tell. What I will say is that Emma is a smart girl, and she knew enough to remain away from him.”

“So why didn’t you get out? Why keep working for Gold.”

“I had my reasons. None of them will matter to you. I tried to get out. The ship was part of that plan. But things did not work out the way I had hoped.”

“This have anything to do with Milah and how suddenly I don’t see the two of you meeting up at the park at 9pm anymore.”

Killian’s brow raised. “Cheeky bastard.”

“Sorry, but I am a cop, I’ve had you on my radar for a while. I stopped following you when I realized the intent of the meeting had nothing to do with business or Gold.”

“Oh, how I wish that was true.” He said sadly.

Graham seemed surprised. “Milah works for Gold?”

Killian stared at his hands resting on the table in front of him. “Yes.” He said softly.

“I always thought the two of you were thick as thieves back in high school, even when you tried to hide it. I guess you could say I was partly right.”

Bastard.

“My relationship with Milah is not part of this discussion. I will tell you however that she is with Gold in more ways than one.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Let’s just say their relationship is both professional and carnal.”

Graham’s face scrunched in disgust. “Ewww.”

Killian chuckled. “Not quite the reaction I had when I found out.”

Graham continued taking notes in his book and then paused and looked up at him. “We’re going to have to bring David in on this.”

Killian tensed. “I feared that would be the case.”

“I can give you til tomorrow evening to tell him yourself, but after that I’m afraid it’s going to come from me.”

“Thank you, Mate, I appreciate that.”

He looked like he was contemplating his next thought before speaking again. “Can I ask you something?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s what you’ve been doing for the last 3 hours.” He chuckled.

“Why are you coming in now?”

Killian met his eyes. He reached into his jacket pocked and found the photo he had been debating on providing and tossed it on the table.

Graham took it apprehensively and then his eyes widened.

“What the hell is this, Jones?”

“I found it on my ship. Before it went Kaboom.” He shrugged.

“And you’re just giving the damn thing to me now?”

A man walked in the room and looked between Graham and Killian before speaking. “Boss I need to speak to you.” He looked at Killian and then continued in a whisper. “In private.”

Graham walked out of the room closing the door behind him leaving Killian with his anxious thoughts of how he was going to tell David everything that was going on and the decisions he had made.

He was never going to hear the end of the lecture once he had the full story. David had the purest heart of anyone he had known and behaving in any way that was less than honorary was a huge disappointment to him.

The door opened and Graham was holding a folder in his hand. “I need you to look at something.”

Killian sat up in his chair as the folder was tossed across the table to him.

“Do you recognize this man?”

He flipped open the manila paper and stared at the photo of a mangled and bleeding man.

He turned the photo over to face right side up and his eyes went wide. “That’s Felix.”

“Well, it was Felix.” Graham corrected. “They just found him in the wreckage on the docks.”

“Would you stop fussing, I’m fine.”

“I just want to make sure you’re comfortable.” Will yanks her pillow and pushes it around her back.

“I can still smack the shit out of you! Stop doing that!” She reaches out and smacks his arm away from her bed sheets.

“Bloody hell. That hurt!”

“Will, would you just go out on your date with Belle, please?”

“Oh, I’m gonna cancel with Belle. I want to make sure you are taken care of now that you’re home.”

“That’s not going to happen unless you leave.” She groaned loudly as he continued to fuss back and forth in her room.

“I swear if the two of you don’t stop fighting, I’m going to ground you both.”

They both look up to see David leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed and a look of amusement on his face.

“Please tell him I don’t need a babysitter. I’m fine.”

David laughed. “Will, it’s good. Go. I’m not leaving for a few hours and Killian just got home.”

Emma felt a flutter in her heart at the mention that Killian was there. She hadn’t seen him since he left the hospital last night. He did not return when she was released from the hospital either. She needed to know what happened with Graham.

If she was being honest, she just needed to see his face. She longed to feel his touch again. She was so relieved to know he was alive. That she hadn’t lost him.

“See, I have enough babysitters. Go on your date. You waited 21 years for Belle, please don’t waste another day.”

He leaned down and kissed her forehead. “Fine, but you’re a right pain in the arse, you know, that right?”

She winked at him. “Only for you dear.”

“You alright, Emma? Need anything?”

“I’m good David, I’m just need some rest.”

“Take all the time you need.” David switched off her light and pulled the door partially closed behind him.

Emma woke with a start in a darkened room, voices being raised somewhere in the house.

She sat up, wincing at the stabbing pain she felt from head to toe.

“What in the hell were you thinking?”

“Not everyone can be you, mate!”

Emma grasped the door and used the structure to keep her standing upright then took a small step into the hallway.

“All these years you’ve been lying to us!”

“I’m trying to make things right.”

“It’s a little late for that don’t you think?”

Emma followed the sound of the raised voices and turned the corner to see David and Killian locked in a shouting match in the living room.

“I get it, you’re disappointed, but I’m trying to do the right thing here.” Killian yelled.

“You almost got Emma killed!” Killian flinched and David took a step toward him. “This is your fault.”

“Stop shouting at each other.”

Both men’s eyes snapped toward her. David moved quickly to her side.

“Emma why are you out of bed. Sit down.” He grabbed her by the arm and Emma yanked it away from him.

“I can take care of my damn self.” She looked up to see Killian masking a slight grin.

David sighed. “Let me get you back to bed. Killian and I were just talking about something.”

“It sounded more to me like you were blaming him for my being hurt, and that is really unfair of you David.”

“Emma, you don’t understand what is going on here.”

“If you’re talking about Gold, I already know.”

David’s mouth parted and he looked between her and Killian.

“Emma.” Killian finally spoke.

“No, you will not protect me either.” She turned back to David. “He’s trying to do the right thing, David.”

“How could you know about this and not tell me?” He argued.

“It was not my secret to tell, David.”

“This is different.” He scowled.

“Marco always told us that it didn’t matter what wrong we had done in our past as long as we allowed the future to lead us to the right path.”

David’s head dropped. “Emma, this is serious. What he’s doing with Gold could have gotten you killed.”

“Neal caused this. Not Killian. Neal. I was the one involved with Neal. That’s on me.” She yelled.

“His ship exploded!” He shouted.

“And thank God he wasn’t on it. Did you think about that? Did you think about the fact that maybe Killian could be dead right now? Because I do. I watched that ship explode in front of my eyes and I thought he was on it. So, I think I’ll take a few scratches over the alternative.”

Her eyes met Killian’s across the room, and he lowered his head sadly, his eyes glossed over.

“So, what the hell do you want me to do now?” David sighed. “All is just forgiven?”

“No, I get that you are upset and I’m not telling you that we just let it go. But right now, we need to help Killian make this right. Because ridding this town of Gold isn’t going to be easy. Hell, just a few months ago you thought all this was a conspiracy that Graham made up in his head. It’s been going down right in front of your face for years, David.”

“And that makes it ok, because I didn’t see it?”

“No, but we’re family. And that means we stand by each other.”

“Thank you, Swan.” Killian said weakly. “David, I want to fix this. Things are getting out of hand.”

David laughed. “You’re telling me!”

“People are getting hurt, killed. They found one of Gold’s men on the pier when they were cleaning up the wreckage. Things are escalating, David.”

David hung his head and sighed loudly. “Ok. Let’s just deal with the problem at hand first, then we will all sit down, as a family, and work through this.”

“That’s all I’m asking for, Mate.”

There was a loud knock on the door and David and Killian exchanged glances.

David walked to the door with his hand on his hip, cautiously touching the pistol that was attached there.

He opened the door slightly before standing down. “Hey Graham, what’s going on?”

Graham stepped into the house with a serious look on his face.

“I fear I’m not here for a social visit.” He frowned and then stepped toward Killian.

“What’s happened?” Killian asked.

“Jones, I’m afraid I need to take you in to the station, I have an arrest warrant.”

Emma stepped forward between the two men. “What the hell for?”

“Emma please, we can talk about this at the station.” Graham pulled his handcuffs off his belt as Emma stared in horror.

“Mate, can you at least tell me what I’m being arrested for?”

“Killian Jones, you are under arrest for the murder of Felix Hernandez.”

Notes:

Not sure how many chapters are left. I had originally planned to go to 15 but I just wrote what I thought was going to be Chapter 13 and only used the first 3 notes from my plan so this might go a bit past 15 but not too many past :) Thanks again for sticking around.

#Marco's home for lost boys #stacy's fics #my fic #emma x killian #killian jones #emma x hook #emma swan #captainswan #captain swan #captain swan au #captain swan fics #captain swan modern au

12 notes · View notes

neptunesnxpple · 4 years

Text

Adopted by the League Part 7 (Shigaraki x male!reader)

****Minors Do Not Interact****

Summary of the Series: You move to a new country- only to find out the apartment you moved into is the home base of a league you don’t even know about! This is sort of a found family situation where reader takes care the league.

Warnings/Tags for this Part: reader is a man or masc identifying, new years celebrations, alcohol, reader and shigaraki get extremely drunk, kissing, going to bed together

Part 1 ;; Part 2 ;; Part 3 ;; Part 4 ;; Part 5 ;; Part 6 ;; Part 7

New years eves you were passing out the glasses, mugs, and any other drinking apparatus you had stored away in the kitchen. You really hadn’t planned to have this many people over at any given time, but well, that hadn’t exactly gone according to plan. A month and a half ago you moved to Japan, got a small one bedroom apartment in a lower income area, and started work at a local market before being transferred to their café department. Unfortunately, your apartment wasn’t really that vacant- at least not after the first few days. Then, part of a league moved in. Without anywhere else to go, you didn’t feel all that great about kicking out six or so people even though technically the apartment was in your name. Now you shared the bathroom with a minimum of six other on any given day, kitchen space, living room, at least your bedroom was limited to one other person- the leader of the league, Shigaraki.

Now you weren’t always the drinking type, usually sparingly if so, a glass here a glass there, but this was new years eve and you had a couple of conversation topics you wanted to get off your chest so to speak. You had already pre-gamed at a bar after work, gotten a drink or two, before heading back home with the left-over pastries- the café was closed on New Years Day and they weren’t a fan of keeping food around past the 24 hour mark. It was only two hours until the count down, you had laid out the pastry spread, Toga and Twice had worked together to pick up a couple of osechi-ryori for the group, Compress, Magne, and Spinner had put up decorations, and Dabi and Shigaraki were in charge of the alcohol, although you had a hard time imagining them working together. Shigaraki had gotten the others to bring the television out of the bedroom and into the living room where you could watch some kind of count down leading to a fireworks display. You hummed anxiously, finger tapping the edge of your glass and foot jittering. Shigaraki made his way over, pushing his hood down and taking your glass, drinking what was left in it, before capping it off again.

“What’s got you so amped up?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all. Why do you ask?” you accepted the glass, bringing it to your lips and not even pretending to look his way. You stared blankly at the tv screen,

“You’re standing out here in the kitchen while everyone else is in the living room, and I’ve seen how many glasses you’ve downed so far. I’m pretty sure your eye keeps twitching, not like I’m looking or anything,” he muttered the second part of that, now fixated on his own mug. You looked over from where you were leaning. He looked soft. The front part of his hair was tied back, and you knew it wasn’t from his own doing. But it looked nice all the same. Seeing that much of his face. The skin around his neck wasn’t as crusted or peeling like it had been. There were still nicks, the excessive scratching and picking a hard habit to break, but it was nice to see some change.

“I’ve got a lot on my mind,” you answered shortly, careful to not appear curt, “I’m glad you all were able to take off,” you said, changing the subject and watching the slight tense in his shoulders at the mention of work. Now it was his turn to feel uncomfortable. He wrinkled his lips, pressing them together for a moment,

“Yeah, we had some plans but decided to hold off on them. At least until after the holidays.”

“I didn’t take you for the celebratory type.”

“I- We wanted your first New Years in Japan to be with friends. As a thank you, for letting us all stay with you,” he blurted out, rushing through the words. You could tell the wine was working, his face was flush and he wouldn’t normally be so transparent about these types of these.

“You don’t have to be so worried about this kind of thing, I would have been fine,” you moved a hand to your cheek, rubbing it as if to make sure this moment was real enough. “Thank you, though.” You let the sound of friends talking and the news caster reporting take over for the time being. Shigaraki had given you a great transition to something you had wanted to bring up. You heart began to beat harder in your chest, swallowing dryly, “there’s something I wanted to talk to you about. Well, a couple of things. I’ve got a lot of things to talk to you about tonight, but I’m not really sure which I want to do first, they’re not exactly… easy to talk about,” you turned fully to face him, both hands on the stem of your glass and nervously tracing it. You glanced up at him briefly, enough to catch the panic on his face. “N-nothing too bad. Well, one of them isn’t that good objectively, but the other is, or could be good,” you rattled on, sensing that this was actually making him more nervy or at least as uncomfortable as you were. You had a feeling you were losing him if you didn’t pick up the pace.

“I’m, I,” you stuttered, stepping back for a moment to take a deep breath, “I really like all of you, and this past month and a half have been some of the best times of my life already, but, it’s really cramped in here. It’s kind of hard getting ready for work when there’s people sleeping all over the living room, and the bathroom is really tough to figure out. I bring a spare travel case with a tooth brush and tooth paste just in case I can’t get in before work. I don’t want to rush you all out, but I think I could use a bit of personal space from time to time. We could still hang out of course! I wouldn’t mind sleepovers every now and then. Have you had any luck, searching for a new base?” you all but pleaded, tongue feeling thick and heavy. You took a moment between heavy breaths to see how Shigaraki was taking it, worry clear in your brow. The answer was not well. His lips turned up into what could best be called a grimace, taking a half empty bottle of booze and stalking off towards the a particularly dark corner of the room, barking at Spinner to hop off the bean bag chair and flopping in it, loose strands of hair falling in his face. Your hands continued to shake, bringing you to the realization that they were shaking in the first place. You leaned back against the counter, shock and horror filling every muscle and bone in your body. You had just ruined everything. You set your glass down, grabbing the bottle of wine you had been sipping out of and deciding to make the process much quicker. The next thing you knew, a familiar shadow drew near,

“Rough night?” Dabi asked, pointing to the bottle. Your hand squeezed the neck of it tighter, shrugging,

“I’m not sharing,” you joked, voice falling flat,

“Relax, I don’t drink wine. Reminds me of people I’d rather not think about. So, what’d you say to get him so riled up? Did you tell him you’d have to reschedule the wedding? You know he’d prefer something in the fall.”

“Shut up,” you snorted, smiling and giving him a shove.

“See? That wasn’t so hard was it? Now you’ve got me in the perfect spot between tipsy and drunk, which means if you want to spill your guts about anything without anyone else knowing, nows your chance,” he offered, picking through the assorted pastries until he came across a chocolate stuffed croissant.

“I think I said something stupid. Something that messed everything up,” you sighed heavily, that weight being applied directly to your shoulders.

“I’m sure it couldn’t be that bad.”

“I asked him when you guys were thinking of moving out,” you forced out, feeling ashamed immediately, “I didn’t even mean it that way, it’s just…”

“Relax. I know we’re a lot to handle, I mean Spinner just learned to pick up after his sheds not too long ago, there’s no way you should be expected to deal with seven other peoples craziness on top of your own.”

You perked up a little, setting the bottle back on the countertop.

“I mean, you didn’t really think it was customary to let strangers live with you while they apartment searched, right?” Dabi said between bites,

“Well, at first I did,” you admitted sheepishly,

“Then you’ve got nothing to worry about. Chances are his panties are just in a bunch because he thinks you’re kicking him out. For good.”

You tilted your head in confusion,

“I sort of am though.”

“No, I mean like from your life. He pissy because he thinks you’re trying to push him out, and he doesn’t want to admit that he’s taken too long to do anything about it, unless there’s something you’re keeping from us?”

“Taken to long to do anything?” You paled, nausea coming back to you.

“Yeah, he’s been trying to make a move since you let us move in here but has been too chicken shit to do anything. It’s embarrassing, really.”

You looked over past Dabi, seeing a sulking Shigaraki that looked like he was locked in a conversation with Toga, Twice, Spinner, and Magne that he’d prefer not to be in.

“Alright, advice time over, you don’t have to leave but don’t talk to me,” Dabi shooed you away, making his way down the buffet line. You stuck around in the corner for some time longer, lost in thought as you planned your next move. There was an hour left for midnight, more than enough time for you to work up some courage and practice what you wanted to say.

Thirty minutes remained. You were back to your glass mode, keeping the liquid confidence going as your body felt warm, light, like you were made of all things sparkly just like the liquid in your hand. You were aware that you were a bit clumsier, bumping into the corner of the couch and taking a second to balance yourself out, slowly, slowly inching your way closer to Shigaraki. The energy had simmered out since an hour and a half ago, almost everyone was trapped in their own conversations. You guest starred in a few on your way over, buying time but also enjoying yourself. You had really grown quite fond of everyone in such a short amount of time. Ten minutes to go and you had only a couple more feet to go, your speed dramatically reduced, both anticipating and dreading the eventual meet up. Shigaraki was still in the bean bag chair, and while you made a point not to check out the situation, you were sure he was just as grumpy as before. Five minutes left and you arrived, drunk, and feeling absolutely wiggly. You felt like a worm on the string being pulled around, and you wouldn’t lie, you could feel the smile pull on the corners of your lips. You knew something he didn’t know that you knew. You went to sit in the space next to him, miscalculating and ending up partially in his lap, throwing and arm around his shoulder and sipping your drink, kicking your feet a little. This was fun. It pleased you even more when Shigaraki didn’t try to push you off. At least not right away.

“What are you doing?”

“Hanging out. What are you doing?” you asked, a knowing grin rising to your face. He raised an eyebrow, eyes fixed to you. You could feel it, his breath was a little more labored, he was just as drunk as you.

“Hanging out.” He repeated. He adjusted, moving an arm behind you, “I don’t want my drink to spill,” he explained. You looked at the countdown on the screen. Two minutes.

“I know something you don’t know,” you started, mischevious glint in your eye. You leaned toward Shigaraki, speaking just to him, “Something you don’t know that I know. I found something out.” You whispered, inching closer. Your hand brushed the back of his neck, feeling how warm it was and the sweat that beaded along the jackets’ edge.

“Oh? And what did you find out?” he lowered his drink, resting his free hand on one of your calves,

“Something about you. Something fun,” you did the same, setting down the glass and poking his chest with your fingers. You twirled the drawstring of his hoodie. One minute left. You felt his breathing grow ragged, face flushed and not looking away. You watched the timer on the tv.

“Something fun…” he repeated, trying to coax you along after some time. You nodded, resting your cheek on his shoulder and talking quieter now,

“Something we have in common,” your eyes, half lidded and having trouble keeping them open, stayed glued to the clock. Sitting down had caused a wave of wooziness to wash over you, enjoying the way the room spun slowly. You felt his arm wrap around tighter, finally it was time. You sat upright, staring with wide, wide eyes as you heard your friends chant along.

Ten

Nine

Eight

Seven

Six

Five

Four

Three

Two

One!

You turned to Shigaraki, the cheerful shouts of your friends as they celebrated became background noise. You bravely took the leap forward, pressing your lips to Shigarakis’, feeling both of your bodies tense before he tightened his grip even more, both arms around you now and pulling you closer. You both let out a breath sigh of relief, foreheads touching,

“I found out that you like me. I mean, like like me,” you teased, eyes closed. Eyes closed felt nice. You felt yourself melt into Shigaraki, feeling more like liquid and less like solid mass. Shigaraki adjusted underneath of you, hand rubbing your back and pressing his lips to the top of your head. Your hands kept busy with his hoodie, twirling the draw strings and feeling the soft fabric, “which means you have to carry me to bed,” you joked, doubting that someone as scrawny as him could carry you too far. Or at all.

“Alright,” Shigaraki slipped on arm under your leg, the other remaining wrapped around your back. He shifted in the overly amenable bean bag chair, pressing his feet firmly pressed to the ground, and putting as much force into standing as possible. He shot up, swaying clumsily with you in his arms. Your eyes snapped open, throwing your arms around his neck and holding on tight. Shigaraki continued to sway until his back was propped up against the wall. He adjusting you more, tossing you up higher on his shoulder for better grip and with a lot of swaying and stumbling from side to side, he got you in your shared bedroom, dropping you on the bed and flopping down on the blanket nest beside you. You rolled on your side to face him, pulling on of the warmer blankets around you and eyes drooping shut. “I thought about what you said.��

“Hn?” you sleepily responded, shuffling closer to him.

“I was talking with some of the league, and we agreed we need a bigger apartment. You can have your own room, if you want,” Shigaraki said softly.

“My own room,” you repeated, smile creeping onto your face, “with you all. In a bigger apartment.” That sounded nice. You’d figure out logistics later, but for now you’d enjoy the idea, the fantasy, of living somewhere spacious enough for all of you.

You wouldn’t mind sharing a room with Shigaraki, wherever that room might be.

#shigaraki x reader #shigaraki tomura x m!reader #shigaraki tomura x reader #shimura tenko x reader #shigaraki tomura #bnha x reader #mha x reader #requests are open for headcanons

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this-is-a-chat-astrophe · 4 years

Text

Oblivious ch 11

1 || 2 || 3 || 4 || 5 || 6 || 7 || 8 || 9 || 10 || 11

AO3

Chat ponders over Marinette and Ladybug getting the same injury at the same time while he vaults his way back to school. An ankle sprain is a common injury, but the timing is enough to make him suspicious. Normally he wouldn’t even consider Marinette as Ladybug because their personalities were so different, but recently Marinette has changed around him. She has become stiff and, for lack of a better word, awkward. Just like Ladybug is with Chat Noir. Thinking back, he realizes that Marinette was like this with Chat Noir as well, during the Evillustrator fiasco and when they first became friends.

He tries to think about how Ladybug acts and realizes that he never really paid attention. He recalls her being timid in her conversation and banter, fierce only when directly in battle. They’re partners and he thinks of her as a friend but they aren’t very close. Chat realizes that he knows nothing about his partner and he’s ashamed. He feels as if he’s failed her as a partner and a friend. The thought distracts him from his original train of thought and it doesn’t return that day.

____________

Tom and Sabine feel bad sending Marinette to school on her own using crutches. They had hoped that there would be enough of a lull in the bakery for one of them to escort her, but the breakfast rush and a last-minute order leave them too busy to see her off. She must face the walk alone.

Thankfully, her parents made for certain that she would be awake and ready on-time, so Marinette is not in her usual frazzled rush.

It is a small miracle that Marinette, as clumsy as she is, makes it to class without any problems. She actually makes it to class early enough to be the first one there.

Marinette is trying to pull herself up the step to her seat when Nino arrives.

“Hey Marinette! Need some help?”

“No thanks Nino, I’ve got this,” she says, waving him off with one hand. This leaves her weight unevenly distributed between her left leg and right arm on the crutch. She leans dangerously to the side.

Nino dives in to catch her, helping her stand back upright. “Maybe you should take my seat, dude.”

Marinette accepts the offer, knowing that otherwise she may end up with two injured ankles from trying to battle the step, and lets Nino guide her to his side of the bench. He stands in front of her and they chat as the room fills up. A few minutes later, Alya shows up, and Adrien is the last of their group to arrive.

To say Adrien is excited about their new seating arrangement is an understatement. He’s ecstatic, almost bouncing in his seat at the chance to sit next to Marinette.

“How long are you on crutches?” Adrien asks, really wanting to know how long this seating arrangement will last.

“They told me to use them for at least a week.”

Alya leans forward in her seat, lingering over Marinette’s shoulder. “Are you planning to walk around all by yourself? Knowing you, you’ll have a cast by tomorrow.”

Marinette chuckles awkwardly. “I made it to class fine this morning. I can do it!”

The offer escapes his lips before he can even stop to think if it is possible. “We can drive you! To school and home from school, I mean. I’m sure Gorilla won’t mind.” Adrien smiles, thinking that any way he could help Marinette is worth the repercussions.

Marinette is about to say no when she remembers Chat Noir’s words from the other night. Her heart is there so why not give him a chance, one step at a time. “Nes! I mean, yo!” Marinette flails her arms, already regretting opening her mouth. “I mean, yes please!.” She rests her arms on her desk and drops her head onto them with a huff.

The teacher arrives and Marinette needs to lift her flushed face out from its hiding place. She feels the breath of Alya’s laughter on the back of her neck and sinks further into her seat.

____________________________

After school, Nino and Alya excuse themselves first, Adrien alone to help Marinette out of the school. In the car, when they are parked in front of the Dupain-Cheng bakery and Marinette has her good foot on the ground and her crutches halfway inside the car and halfway outside, Adrien comes around and grabs the crutches from her.

Adrien leans the crutches against the car and holds out a hand to help Marinette up. Marinette is grateful for the hand and lets him help her out of the car, minimizing the amount of pressure she has to put on her bad ankle.

He’s sweet. She already knew this, but she can feel it now in the gentle way his hand wraps around her waist in a quick hug before he opens the bakery door for her. Once she’s passed the threshold of the bakery, the strong scent of baking bread blowing through, he waves and bids her goodbye.

She stands there in front of the door, face flushed, until her dad comes over to move her out of the way so customers can use the door. “Sorry, Papa!”

“How’s your ankle doing, Marinette?” he asks, leading her gently to the counter.

Marinette realizes that she may be stuck in the bakery until someone has time to walk her upstairs. She curses their home for having so many stairs and no elevator. She’ll probably have to move into the living room for the time being so she doesn’t hurt herself more on the stairs to her room, the same way she earned her injury.

Thankfully it doesn’t take long until there is a lull in customers and her father has a few spare minutes to escort her upstairs. She tells him her thoughts on staying in the living room for a while, and he says he’ll help her move some stuff after the bakery closes. For now, she can hunker down on the couch and work on homework.

She tries to be a diligent student, really she does, but her mind keeps wandering to the gentle way Adrien held her, the kindness of his offer to escort her to school and back. He’s incredibly sweet, and that’s why she’s developed a crush on him.

That’s why she’s considering giving up on Chat Noir. Chat hasn’t expressed any interest in her, inside or outside of the mask, and he told her to give Adrien a try, so why not? Her heart is there so it’s not like she’s considering dating him just because she’s lonely. It may seem like he’s just a consolation prize, given that Chat Noir is the one she liked first and who technically turned her away, but she really does care about him. Anyone, including her, would be lucky to date Adrien. If he would want to date her, of course. She blushes at the thought.

She doesn’t get much schoolwork done, too busy dreaming.

#oblivious #miraculous ladybug #marichat #adrienette #reverse love square #ml fanfic #my drabbles

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let-it-raines · 5 years

Text

Rising from the Ashes (16/?)

When her husband died, Emma wasn’t sure that she could ever move on. He left her with a broken heart and a baby who was only three-months old. It’s enough to take most people down, to make them not want to keep going, but Emma Swan isn’t most people. She’s stronger than she has any right to be.

And after years of heartache, she’s found ways to move on…one of those being in Neal’s best friend, Killian Jones.

As she’s always known, however, things are more complicated than they ever seem to be.

Rating: Mature

A/N: I cannot thank you guys enough for reading this story. Lots of things are about to start happening, not all of them pleasant, and I simply ask that you trust me again. You know I’m a happy ending kind of girl 💙

Found on AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16

Tag list: @blowmiakisscolin @jamif @artistic-writer @cs-forlife @qualitycoffeethings @resident-of-storybrooke @captainsjedi @captswanis4vr @teamhook @ekr032-blog-blog @mayquita @bmbbcs4evr @wellhellotragic @kmomof4 @jennjenn615 @onceuponaprincessworld @shady-swan-jones @snow-into-ash @andiirivera @mariakov81 @shireness-says @kristi555 @facesiousbutton82 @superchocovian @jonirobinson64 @snowbellewells @thejollyroger-writer

-/-

Liam: Caleb is officially going to be our son, so if you’d like, you can tell Emma now!It’s no longer a secret!

Killian: Bloody hell. That’s fantastic!

Killian: I’m more than thrilled for you two, and I’ll have to call you tomorrow.

Liam: I can’t believe I’m going to be a dad.

Killian: Welcome to the club. It’s the best one.

He’s got a smile on his face for the rest of the day after receiving Liam’s texts about he and Belle’s news about Caleb, and for how things have been lately, that’s something that he appreciates even more than usual. He’s been drowning himself in that all too familiar feeling of guilt, and it’s only when he’s occupied at work or with his family that he’s able for it to lessen, for the weight crushing his heart to lift to a bearable pain that allows him to breathe.

This, finding out that his brother and Belle get to fulfill a dream they’ve had for a good while, one that’s been breaking their hearts for years as they continuously fell short, helps to lift his spirits for a few minutes. Being a dad is his greatest joy in life. He understands that it’s not for everyone, that not everyone wants it, and he gets that. It’s difficult, emotional, disgusting sometimes, and causes more stress than many other things in his life. It’s all about personal preference and want, but when you want to be a parent, well, he doesn’t see how anyone could ever think that it’s not a wonderful blessing.

And that little boy, Caleb, is about to have more love and family than he knows what to do with.

He has to no idea how he’s going to get his family over to England this year to meet the lad, but it’s got to happen. Liam and Belle made the effort to be here for Ada’s birth and for so many milestones in Henry’s life that he can’t imagine not being around to meet this kid once he’s gotten a bit settled into life in a new home.

This is bloody magnificent.

It makes him happy when he hasn’t had a lot to feel happy about lately. Well, that’s not true. He falls asleep at night with the love of his life in his arms, and he wakes up in the morning and gets to take care and love these two children who are the lights of his life. Really, he has everything he ever wanted, everything he ever dreamed about when he realized that he didn’t want to live the life of the bachelor Navy Captain forever.

He has everything in the palm of his hands.

He can feel it all slipping through his fingers.

It’s been exactly forty-seven days since he took Henry to therapy and saw Neal get into a car before returning back to the office, and even though he told himself that it was nothing and that Neal deserves his own time, he has not listened to his thoughts. In fact, he has run marathons with them and paid more attention to Neal’s every movement than he has those of his girlfriend’s.

One day he’d love to propose to Emma so as not to be nearly thirty-eight and still calling her his girlfriend when they share their entire life with each other.

Among other reasons such as loving her and wanting to commit to her in every way possible. Those being the most important.

And yet he can’t propose to her. Not now. Not when he’s harboring this secret that she would hate him for, that she will hate him for. He’d wanted to propose before Neal was found alive, and after he came home was not the time. He’d wanted to propose after they’d gotten back together in December, but it was too soon, their wounds still too fresh. He’s wanted to propose every day of this year, but he cannot ask Emma to marry him, to love him for the rest of their days, when he’s entirely sure that her ex-husband has been lying to all of them about what he’s been doing since he got home…and possibly before then.

He’s seen a lot of outlandish things in his life and in his time traveling to different countries, but thinking that Neal Cassidy is living some kind of secret life has got to be the most outlandish thought to ever cross his mind. It’s Neal, the man who he used to go out for drinks with, the man who he used to watch football matches with, the man who Emma once loved more than anyone in the world, the man who was living in his house until he officially moved to DC last week.

Neal Cassidy who is his friend.

Neal Cassidy who is his son’s father.

Of all of the things that make his thoughts horrible, he thinks the worst is that he could possibly accuse Henry’s dad of being someone other than who he says he is when Henry looks up to Neal.

It’s that thought that has made him walk miles back and forth while weighing everything in his mind.

But his thoughts of protecting Emma and Henry, Ada too, are the ones that have made him decide that if he can’t stop thinking about it, there must be something to it. And when Kyle Thomasson came up to Neal at the zoo and started talking about their time together in London, that’s when he knew for sure that something is not adding up, that something is not right. It could have been a mistake, yeah. Neal’s face has been plastered across the television and online, but Kyle seemed sure enough that it stuck with him.

Neal Gold.

Of course, Emma pulled him away from listening so that he could hear that his little girl had just said his name for her first word. He wanted to mark the moment as one of the best in his life, but he was distracted and confused, his mind focusing on everything else. But he wouldn’t let the craziness completely take away from the moment. He simply wouldn’t. Too much has already been taken from his family, and he wanted to treasure the fact that his little girl with her chubby cheeks and hazel eyes said his name. He wanted to be able to appreciate that the little girl who he was terrified of being a bad father to, is still terrified of being a bad father to, loves him enough to say his name before she says any other words. He knows that there are other factors, that it’s really her saying sounds, but he loves whenever she babbles his name to him.

He can’t keep having family moments taken away from him. He won’t keep letting it happen.

Which is why he’s spent his nights compiling every oddity about Neal to try to make sense of his thoughts and his stories. While Neal was still living with them, he took the time to notice more about him than anyone would expect him to. If he’s honest with himself, he’s gone too far with his investment, with his theories, and he’s ashamed of it all. He’s deeply ashamed, but he doesn’t think he’s wrong to think that every duck isn’t in its row and that every domino isn’t perfectly placed. If he were to tip one over, he’s sure they’d all still fall, just not in the right way.

It’s all been a perfect merry go round of thoughts, the same words repeating over and over again in his mind so that he can’t make them stop, so that he can’t make them fall away.

Ashes to ashes, we all fall down.

But now that he suspects something, now that Neal is out of the house and not sharing a breakfast table with him, it’s been easier to try to make his thoughts more coherent. It’s been easier to know that he’d lost his mind and started following the man to his therapy appointments and support groups. Sometimes Neal went into the buildings. Other times he didn’t, either getting into another random car and driving away or never showing up to the right addresses to begin with. When he got into the cars, Killian tried to follow him, but traffic and crafty driving had always made him lose his tail. He’s an idiot for not being able to get it done, but he’s also an idiot for thinking that he should be following Neal.

A step too far and a step too short all at once.

If Neal found out…it’d be all over. He would destroy everything that mattered to him over some dumb hunch that he’s convinced himself is real and reliable and important in keeping all of those things (those people – Emma, Henry, and Ada) together in the little bubble of happiness that they’ve finally found after so much heartbreak and heartache, shattered pieces still littering the floor.

He cannot shatter them again.

He’s going to.

He’s an idiot for lying to Emma about his slightly late days at the office every now and then. They’re not supposed to have any secrets, but he can’t tell her about this. Not yet. Maybe when he knows more, when he has more information. He needs to know something solid for sure before talking to Emma. She believes him about a lot of preposterous things, but this…this would be asking too much.

There’s just…something is not right. That much he knows for sure. Neal is hiding something, and he doesn’t know what. But it’s there. It has to be. There are so many things that don’t make sense, so many oddities and disconnections that simply don’t make sense. Every day of his life is spent connecting metaphorical dots and actualizing how they would play out in real life, and he can’t get his mind to stop doing that here.

He’s terrified, actual chills seeping into his bones and settling until there’s a hollow ache, that something, someone, is going to hurt his family. He’s terrified that it’s going to be someone other than him as he tries to figure out why Neal was lying to them about where he spends his time.

What if Neal hurts Emma? What if he hurts Henry? What if they’ve welcomed him back into their lives with open arms only for him to be lying to them?

There are several facts that Killian has always known. They’ve been a constant in the past decade of his life, and he never thought he’d change them. His world has been built around them, and they were set in stone.

He met Emma Swan on November tenth, two thousand and eight.

Emma Swan fell in love with Neal Cassidy, and they had a wonderful marriage that was full of life and light that the both of them were missing during their childhoods.

Emma Swan gave birth to Henry Cassidy on September fourth, two thousand and eleven, and she and Neal were the proudest parents on the planet.

Neal Cassidy deployed for Afghanistan on October third, two thousand and eleven.

Neal Cassidy was declared missing and presumably dead on December eleventh, two thousand and eleven.

Killian kissed Emma for the first time on April twenty third, two thousand and fifteen, and it was the most glorious moment of his life until she told him that she loved him for the first time on August seventh of that same year.

They moved in together in Alexandria, bought a house and moved to Portland, continued to date and raise their son with as much love as either of them could muster, and on May seventeenth, two thousand and nineteen Ada Grace Jones was born and he knew for a fact that his heart could never be so full of love.

His life was practically perfect in the way that lives can be perfect.

And then it wasn’t.

On September thirteenth, two thousand and nineteen, Neal Cassidy was found alive and rescued in Afghanistan where he was a prisoner of war for just shy of eight years.

Killian’s entire life was flipped, twisted, revived, and changed.

These are things he can’t dispute, that he can’t change. He’s always thought that. For a long time he lived in a world of facts, a place where only black and white existed, no murky gray filling the middle. His father left him, his mother died, and his brother moved back to England instead of staying in America with him. It was how it was, and that’s how he lived.

That’s no longer true.

Because what if everything he knows was a lie?

What if? What if? What if?

He thought Emma and Neal had a great marriage, and even though it had its bright moments, he now knows that it was darkly shaded in variations of gray, merging into black at some points, rarely merging back into the light.

He thought Neal was always a proud parent to Henry, that he was as excited for that baby to be born as Killian was for Ada to make her entrance, but that fact was all a lie too.

He thought that Neal was dead, but he wasn’t. He was a prisoner of war being tortured and beaten for information he likely didn’t have.

But what if he wasn’t? What if that fact isn’t true either?

That’s the crutch of the entire situation. That’s the crazy thought that keeps replaying over and over again. Something about Neal isn’t adding up, and if some of the things Killian has known for years aren’t true, who’s to say that others can’t be as well?

He’s ashamed of himself for thinking this way when his focus should be on making sure that Henry is okay now that his dad is living away from him. He’s ashamed that he’s thinking awful thoughts about a man who is his friend and is a part of his family, but he’s not going to be ashamed if he’s right about this all.

Because what if Neal wasn’t a prisoner of war all of that time? It’s quite possibly the most preposterous thing he’s ever thought, but crazy thoughts turn out to be true every day. What if Neal was deployed and simply…never came home? It doesn’t make sense, he knows, but when he thinks about the man who they ran into at the zoo, the man who was convinced that he knew Neal in London, it…does.

It makes sense because Killian remembers being in London with his family and thinking that he saw Neal at the park. It’s a large city, one that anyone could discreetly make their way through, but what if he really did see Neal that day? What if Kyle really did spend his evenings drinking ale and watching football with Neal at a pub?

But it doesn’t explain anything, not really. Why would Neal live in London instead of coming home? How would he dodge the military like that? How would he create a new identity? Why would he? What would he have been doing in London all of this time? Did he check up on Emma and Henry at all? And if he was in London, how did he become captured again? How was he in that cell for the SEALs to rescue him?

That’s the part he can’t add together no matter how hard he tries. He cannot think of any possible explanation for that. Not a one.

He also can’t think of how any of this relates to what’s going on now. He can’t figure out why Neal had lied, why he would skip out on therapy and dinner and go places he tells no one about. He can’t figure out why the man would come home and put such effort into building a life with Henry (and Emma) if he really did stay away from them for eight years voluntarily? What is Neal doing, and why is he doing it?

Nothing adds up.

Nothing at all.

There’s no way in hell he can figure any of this out on his own.

When he walks in his front door after work, he feels drained, all of the life practically sucked out of him despite having a good day at work and beaming over Liam and Belle’s news. Shedding his suit jacket, he hangs it on the hook by the door and takes the few steps into the kitchen where Henry is sitting at the table with notebooks spread out and his hand gripping onto his pencil as he does his homework. Ada is working on standing, her little legs holding her up as she holds onto a kitchen chair, cruising a bit. God, she’s growing up so fast with her first birthday next month, and he wonders how the hell it’s all gone by so quickly. He’s not ready for his baby to be one, but it’s not as if he can stop time.

Maybe he can try.

“Hey, Henry,” he greets, clapping his hand down on his shoulder and kissing the top of his head. “Did you have a good day at school? You excited about your field trip to the lighthouse tomorrow?”

“Yeah, but Mary Margaret says we have to do a project too, which is boring.”

“Oh come on, projects are fun! Your mum and I will help anyways, okay? Besides, you get to go to the top of the lighthouse and see everything. I feel like that makes the project worth it.”

“Maybe.” Henry shrugs before pressing up in his chair and cupping his hands around Killian’s ear. “Mom is making broccoli tonight, and it smells so bad.”

“But it tastes so good,” he chuckles, knowing that Henry isn’t going to change his mind on the vegetable.

“Dada,” Ada mumbles, reaching over to him as she guides herself along the table only to plop down, hard, against the wood floor before scrambling herself back up again.

“Hello, my little love,” he smiles, reaching down to pick her up and press a smacking kiss against her cheek that makes her giggle while he runs his fingers over her stomach and over the soft material of her dress. “Did you have a good day too? Solve any mathematical equations at nursery? Make a new best friend? Grow a few new inches?”

“Ada can’t do math, Daddy.”

“Oh, you’re right,” he laughs, flashing a smile at Henry. “She can’t do math quite yet, but who knows? Maybe your sister will be a little Einstein.”

“That’s a TV show.”

“It is indeed.”

Emma rounds the corner at that moment, yanking at her shorts to pull them up. She must have run to the restroom or something and trusted Ada and Henry not to break the house down in her two minute absence.

“Hey,” she says, switching her direction and walking toward him, pressing up on her toes and kissing his cheek, “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“I’m very good at sneaking around.”

“That is not as funny of a joke as you think it is.”

She’s being playful, but he realizes the truth in his choice of words. He shouldn’t have said that. Not at all.

“All of my jokes are funny.”

“No they’re not,” Henry very helpfully supplies.

“See,” Emma laughs, backing up from him and walking back toward the stove, “Henry agrees with me, so obviously the two of us are right.”

“Obviously,” he agrees, putting Ada back on the ground so that she can keep propping herself up before he walks to the kitchen island and sits down on a barstool. “So I’m told that we’re having broccoli tonight, and it is not popular among the peanut gallery.”

“It never is, but the cool thing about being the mom is that what I say goes.”

“Very, very true.”

-/-

“I hate you,” Henry screams at Emma, his face as red as a ripe tomato while tears stream down his face.

“That is not okay, Henry,” Emma says calmly, her arms crossed over her chest and her lips pressed into a straight line. He’s got no clue what to do here, no wise words of wisdom. No one ever really prepared him for what to do when his girlfriend’s four year old decides to yell at her because she said no to a box of cookies at the supermarket. “We do not say that.”

“I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”

“Henry.”

“You’re mean.”

“Henry, I understand that you want a cookie and think they’re yummy, but not right now.”

He huffs, crossing his arms over his chest, seemingly mimicking Emma in his posture all while Killian is shocked into silence over what to do. Or what not do really. It isn’t his place to parent, and he feels stuck between that metaphorical rock and hard place as all of this unfolds.

“I hate you.”

“Well, I love you.”

Emma and Henry go back and forth for what has to be ten more minutes before Henry calms himself down and Emma takes him into his bedroom where he hears them quietly whisper to each other, a gentle hush after the absolute chaos of earlier. He feels awkward and out of place. Henry is honestly the first kid he’s ever been around for such a large amount of time, and he’s usually only here for the good moments. He’s Henry’s mum’s fun boyfriend who takes him to the park and buys him ice cream because them going out together is supposed to be a treat for the lad. But ever since he and Emma started dating, he’s seen so much more, seen the darker, harsher sides of parenting that he rarely saw before, and he’s still in an odd limbo of not knowing what his place is.

He and Emma love each other, and he loves Henry. It’s just…odd.

Grabbing a glass of water, he takes a few steps into the living room a sits down in the large lounge chair, rubbing his thumb over the rim of the cup. This is not what he was expecting when he came over for dinner tonight, and he’s nervous for how Emma is going to be feeling when she comes out of Henry’s bedroom.

Liam: It’s now two in the morning, and I’ve been watching a show about baking for five hours.

Liam: I’m not sure if I’ve ever baked a day in my life.

Killian: Great British Bake Off?

Liam: Yep.

Killian: If you have a cup of tea next to you, you’re fulfilling all kinds of stereotypes.

Liam: I did just tell my wife that we had a jolly good shag, so I feel like this is true.

Killian: That’s more than I ever needed to know.

Belle: Your brother did not say that, and I agree. That’s more than you ever needed to know.

Killian: Amen, love.

He’s typing another message when he hears a door shut behind him and sees Emma emerge from Henry’s room, her hair now pulled up into a bun on top of her head, the loose blonde strands falling on her forehead and down her neck. He opens his mouth to say something, to ask if she got Henry down for bed, but he doesn’t get the chance before Emma is unceremoniously plopping down into his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck while her face burrows into his shoulder. He can feel her shoulders shake, her entire body quivering, and he can do nothing but rub his hand up and down her back while he rests his chin on the top of her head.

“Shh, shh,” he whispers, words failing him for how to comfort her when she’s showing him such a vulnerable side that he only gets to see when Emma can’t hold back her emotions anymore. She’s the strongest person he’s ever known, and her being vulnerable with him is another example of that. “You’re okay, sweetheart. You’re okay.”

“He said that he hates me,” she mumbles against his neck, her lips touching his skin while her hair tickles just under his nose. “He hates me, and I don’t know what to do about that.”

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s simply upset.”

“B-b-but why did he say it? He’s never done that before. I love him so much, and he hates me.”

“I don’t know,” he soothes, wracking his brain for the right thing to say, “but I know that he doesn’t mean it, Swan. He could never. That boy loves you more than anything.”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“Then we won’t. What do you want to do instead?”

Her arms tighten around his neck, and she twists her head to rest it on his shoulder, her cheek pressing against his t-shirt. “We can watch TV so that I can forget about the fact that I’m a terrible mother.”

“Emma – ”

“Please don’t.”

“But – ”

“Killian, I don’t want to talk about it.”

He nods his head and moves his hand to find the remote, turning it on and flipping through the channels until he decides on a rerun of Oceans Eleven, figuring that it’s entertaining enough to keep them occupied and won’t at all remind Emma of why she’s upset. Henry’s four. He’s not some criminal mastermind planning a heist of a casino. This should be fine.

And it is. They sit in silence for a long time, Emma continuously adjusting herself in his lap while his hand slowly moves back and forth over her back and her waist. He thinks that she’s asleep, that the little puffs of air that are being breathed out on his neck are a good sign of that, but then she starts speaking.

“I know he doesn’t hate me. He loves me. I mean, I’m his mom, and I’m trying so hard to be a good one. But it still stings, you know? That kid wreaked havoc on my body for months, but I loved him. I do love him. More than anything in the world. And all I want is to not screw him up. I didn’t have a mom for most of my life, and I don’t have Neal here to help me and to help me make these decisions. I have…well, I have you, and I’m so thankful for you. You have to know that. I just – ”

“You had a rough night,” he finishes for her, leaning his head back against the cushions so that he can look in her eyes, the green especially bright under the tears that are covering her irises. “It’s okay. And I’ll say it as many times as I need to, but you don’t have to do anything alone, not when I’m here.”

“Thank you.”

“Think nothing of it,” he promises, pressing forward to kiss her eyebrow. “I love you, Emma.”

“I love you too. You’re a good man.”

“Oh I don’t know about that. I’m probably the reason Henry wants a cookie so badly. He does get sweets when we go out.”

“He wants them because he’s four. That’s how it works.”

“Had he calmed down before he went to sleep?”

“Yeah,” Emma sighs, her fingers tracing patterns at the tape of his neck, moving between his skin and his hair. “He did. He was so angry, you know? But we went through our routine and then he told me he loved me right before he drifted off to sleep. So I felt better even if I still feel like absolute shit.”

“Tomorrow will be better. Would it be totally hypocritical if we indulged in some sweets to make you feel better?”

“It would, but I’m the mom. What I say goes.”

-/-

The rest of their evening is spent feeding both Ada and Henry, the two surprisingly similar in their resistance to eating vegetables despite the age gap, but they manage to get it done, as they always do, even if there’s a little kicking and screaming along the way. He helps Henry with his homework before Neal calls, something he’s done every day since he moved. It’s usually the highlight of Henry’s evening, and all things considered, the lad is handling it well. Killian can tell that he misses Neal, that he misses having him around to spend time with, but he’s doing okay.

Henry loves Neal just as Neal loves Henry, and it’s what makes all of Killian’s thoughts about Neal so much more heartbreaking.

He has to be wrong. He has to be.

He knows that he’s not.

Eventually the get the kids to bed, Ada refusing to fall asleep more than usual, but once both of their bedroom doors are closed, he and Emma walk down the hall to their room and fall onto the mattress, their limbs spreading out in exhaustion while the ceiling fan turns above them.

“Liam and Belle are adopting a two-year-old boy named Caleb.”

“I’m sorry. What?” Emma gasps, quickly turning on the bed until she’s sitting up, her hair falling down and creating a curtain over his face. “Did you just say they’re adopting?”

“I did.”

She slaps his chest, her hit far more powerful than she probably realizes. It always is. “How long have you known about this? When did it start? They’re really getting to be parents? Is the paperwork official? Oh God I hope the paperwork is official because if it’s not – ”

“The paperwork is official,” he promises, reaching his hand up to cup her cheek, soft skin against his rough palm while he tries to stop the spiral she’s going down. “I’ve known since Christmas, but Liam asked me not to say anything because he didn’t want to jinx it, I guess. Or maybe he didn’t want everyone to get their hopes up and get Belle’s hopes up when it wasn’t a for sure thing.”

Emma’s lips press together as she nods her head in agreement before a smile breaks out on her face, one that actually takes his breath away. The could also be her elbow on his rib, but it’s probably both.

“I get that. I mean, I didn’t try for Henry, but we tried for Ada and you know how difficult that was even though we only had to wait a little under a year. I can’t – I can’t imagine going through what they’ve been through.”

He taps his thumb against her bottom lip, agreeing with every word that she just said. He’s had a lot of heartache in his lifetime, but he can’t imagine going through that.

“Me either, love.”

Emma sighs before falling back over on the bed, the mattress squeaking a bit as one of the throw pillows topples onto the ground. “I can’t believe you managed to keep that a secret from me for so long. I’m impressed, Jones.”

His heart lurches at that, guilt beginning to thrum through his veins so that his blood somehow both boils and goes cold. She has no idea what he’s going through, and he doesn’t want her to know.

God, he’s such an asshole.

He may very well be the worst man on the planet. How many times does he have to think that before it comes true?

“Your superpower is obviously a little off kilter,” he teases, twisting his head to the side to smile at her, forcing the joy onto his face.

“Never,” she laughs, and his heart breaks a little more. “I’m so freaking happy for them. I can’t believe I’m going to be an aunt again. Can I call Belle in the morning?”

“You could call her right now, but I’m not sure she’ll answer.”

“True.”

“How was therapy today?” he asks, changing the subject as he gets up from bed and begins undoing his jeans, shimmying out of them and folding them.

“Weird,” Emma admits, sitting up and propping herself on her elbows. “I mean, I like Dr. Lawrence, but I’m just not used to talking to anyone but you about all of the craziness that’s going on up in my head.”

“Considering I have an equal amount of crazy going on in mine, it’s likely a good thing you’re still talking to someone else. You and Henry have been through a lot.”

“So have you.”

He clicks his tongue, disagreement on his lips even though he knows she’s right. But because he’s the biggest asshole in the world and can’t talk about any of the thoughts he’s having right now, he unbuttons his shirt, letting it hang off of his shoulders, and stalks over to Emma, leaning over her and caging her in.

“Aye, but I’m far more interested in you and I not talking than anything else right now.”

“Really now?” she purrs, looping her arms around his neck and arching her back up so that she can ghost her lips over his.

“Aye.”

“Well then, Captain, I’d say you’re going to struggle then because you talk far too much during sex.”

“I’ve never heard any complaints from you.”

“That’s because I can’t get a word in edgewise.”

He chuckles at that, something deep and low, and for the next few minutes as their lips and bodies move with and against each other, he forgets every awful, dark thought he’s been having for the past few weeks.

-/-

“You like your burgers well done, right?” Mary Margaret asks him as she sets the meat out on a tray the next day at their lunch with the Nolans.

“Yes, that’s fine.”

“Okay good. That’s how the kids like it too. That’s also how Emma cooks them because grilling isn’t really her thing.”

“She’s a woman of many talents, but that is not one of them.”

“I’m literally standing right here,” Emma groans, taking a sip of her lemonade as she messes with her sweater, fingering at the frayed edges that hang over the waistband of her jeans. “And I can so grill. It’s not that hard.”

“Sure, love.”

Emma cuts her eyes at him, the right side of her lips moving up despite his teasing insult. She’s been in such a good mood today, practically skipping as she walks, and he loves to see her happy like that.

“If you keep talking like that, you’re not going to get to eat.”

“Oh no. However will I live if my girlfriend doesn’t feed me? You know I can’t do anything without being waited on by you. I’m a helpless man.”

“That is not even funny.”

He winks. “I know.”

“You two are just so cute,” Mary Margaret sighs. He’d honestly forgotten she was in the room. He doesn’t know how, but he did. “I can’t get over it. It’s like watching my little sister fall in love.”

“We’ve been together for four years. I think we’re pretty solidly there. You act like I’m a teenager.”

“Teenage Emma would have slapped me for saying something like that.” Mary Margaret smiles affectionately at Emma, and he can see the affection in Emma’s eyes, even if she sometimes gets annoyed with how Mary Margaret talks to her. “Now let’s go grill some burgers because I’m starving, and I think the boys may throw a riot if they don’t eat soon.”

“Henry and Leo or David and Killian?”

“David and Killian, obviously.”

He shakes his head at the two of them as Mary Margaret picks up the tray of meat and walks outside, Emma quickly following behind her. He’d offered to cook today, but Mary Margaret insisted that she would do it since it wouldn’t take so long. It’s nice coming over to their house to spend some time with them, even if David isn’t home from work yet, having to work a shift on Saturday for one of his cases. He should be home soon, though, and it’s part of what keeps Killian inside the Nolans’ kitchen instead of going outside with everyone else. The other is that Ada is currently napping in her car seat, and since they don’t have a baby monitor here, he didn’t want to leave her inside by herself. They’ve done it plenty of times before, always coming to check on her every few minutes, but he didn’t want to leave his girl right now.

Grabbing a beer bottle out of the fridge, he twists open the top and settles down at the kitchen island, scooting up in the barstool and thumbing at his phone, replying to texts Liam and Belle have sent him today. Emma called Belle first thing this morning and ever since then his brother has been sending pictures they have of Caleb. He’s the cutest thing with the freckles spread across his face and the red hair gracing his head. He looks happy too, and that’s all that really matters to any of them. He’s got some good people who want to be his parents.

He also responds to a few texts from Neal. They haven’t shipped all of his clothes yet, so Killian has to remember to box all of those up and send them on Monday or Tuesday. Henry also wants to send him some more drawings, so he probably needs to get a protective notebook to do that in.

Ada coos in her seat, and he glances over only to see that she’s still asleep, twisting a bit. He smiles before going back to his phone, typing in a few reminders for tonight as he hears the click of the front door, heavy footsteps following it as David comes out of the entryway and into view.

“Just make yourself at home, why don’t you?”

“Always,” he laughs, stretching his arms over his head to ease some of the aches that he’s feeling. “Everyone is out in the backyard. I’m watching Ada while she sleeps.”

“She’ll be fine on her own.”

“I know.” He takes a sip of his drink while David takes off his coat and his badge, placing them on the counter top. “I don’t mind spending some time by myself either.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah? Why would you even ask?”

David points at him, circling his finger around him, and Killian gulps, the façade that he’s been putting on for weeks now crumbling much faster than he thought it would. If he could tell anyone his thoughts, it’d be David. He could always tell Liam, but Liam wouldn’t – Liam wouldn’t know enough to help him. David would. David knows Neal, has known him for nearly as long as he and Emma have, and David might…would David believe him? Would David help him? Could he? He’s a detective. He has resources, far more than Killian does.

Of course, David might also think he’s batshit crazy and tell Emma, making him lose everything he has.

Everything.

“You look like you’ve eaten some rotten sushi.”

“What a pleasant thing to say.”

David shrugs. “It’s the truth, so I ask again, you okay? Are you and Emma okay? God, please tell me that you and Emma are okay.”

He nods his head up and down before leaning forward and rubbing his fingers between his brows, trying to even out the lines, those of age and stress. This is all too much for him. This would be too much for anyone, and he’s not sure that he can carry the weight alone anymore.

Add another notch to his asshole ranking for laying it all down on David as well.

“We’re fine. Well,” he huffs, a dark chuckle escaping his lips as he sits up, straightening his back and not bothering to take a breath, “except for the fact that I think my girlfriend’s ex-husband is some kind of bloody liar who wasn’t really captured for all of that time he was gone.”

The words escape his lips before he can stop them, tumbling out as quickly and as smoothly as the beer runs down his throat. He needs something stronger. He needs rum. Hell, he doesn’t even like beer that much, but it’s something for when he doesn’t want or need to get a little intoxicated.

He kind of wishes he was drunk right now. It would numb the pain he’s feeling and give him a plausible excuse as to the absolute bullshit he just spewed to David.

Honestly, though, he can’t focus on the erratic beating of his heart or the way his lips suddenly feel dry when all he can focus on is David’s lips continuously parting and pressing together, his eyes widened into round saucers, and all of the color on his face palling to a white that matches the white of his knuckles as he grasps them into fists. The man must think he’s insane. He is insane. He is.

But he’s not.

“What the fuck?” David sputters, stumbling back a bit before he straightens himself out, shoulders hunching forward before they push back into their usual broad state.

“Exactly.”

“No, seriously,” David starts again, some of the color coming back into his face as he runs his hand through his hair, making it come out of its styled place, “what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Neal. I’m talking about Neal. Something is wrong there, and I can’t live thinking this by myself anymore and you’re the poor sap who gets to listen to it all.”

“I don’t…I don’t understand.”

“I don’t either.”

“Why are you telling me? Why not Emma? I mean, she could talk you down.”

He laughs again, but it gets stopped, the sound turning into a quiet whisper. “Dave I can’t – I can’t…” He has to stop talking, a sob getting caught in his throat while he massages his face with his fingers in a desperate attempt to calm himself down, all of the emotions beginning to fall loose from the tight hold that he’s had on them now that he’s spoken the words aloud. “I can’t let her get hurt again. She doesn’t deserve it. Emma has been through more than anyone. She was abandoned at birth, had a bad marriage where her husband disappeared and she was left to raise a kid alone, and then that husband came back from the dead. And yet she has trusted me with her heart. I can’t break it. I can’t do that to her.”

“Killian, I think you’re being paranoid. I think maybe you’re jealous of Neal and – ”

“I’m not bloody jealous of Neal,” he barks, slamming his hand down on the kitchen counter, only quieting when he remembers his daughter sleeping a few feet away from him. “I’m fucking pissed at him because something is happening. Something doesn’t match up. Something isn’t right, and I am terrified that whatever is going on is going to hurt Emma and Henry.”

He can feel the tears streaming down his cheek, a hot sting pressing behind his eyes. This can’t be happening. It can’t. He’s going crazy. He’s imagining things. He has to be.

Why can’t he make up his mind?

“Hey, Hey,” David soothes, his voice a quiet whisper, while he leans over the counter and places his hand on Killian’s shoulder. “It’s okay. You’re okay. I don’t want Emma to get hurt either. I love her too.”

“She’s my life,” he croaks, finally looking up at David again. “I have watched her go through so much pain, even the pain I have caused, and I can’t do it again. Not like this. So I need you to help me, okay? I don’t know how. I don’t know what I want you to look into, but something is wrong with Neal. I don’t know, mate. I don’t – for some reason I think he wasn’t captured for all of this time, that he was somehow free. It doesn’t make any sense, but I – ”

“I believe you, okay?” David promises, looking around his kitchen to make sure no one has come inside from the backyard. “You’re right. Something about Neal is off. I haven’t had the opportunity to notice like you, but there are definitely more oddities than before. I just…Killian, he works for the federal government. They’ve screened him. If he was up to something, they’d know.”

“But what if they’re not screening the right person? To them he’s Neal Cassidy, a war hero who’s been gone for eight years. There’s nothing to screen. But what if he’s…what if he’s been going by a different identity. When we were in DC a few weeks ago, this guy came up to him and called him Neal Gold. Neal insisted that the man just knew him from TV, you know? And had gotten the name messed up. But he kept saying that they used to go to The Three Kings in London together. And, yeah, it could have been a mistake, but Dave, I swear that I saw someone who looked just like Neal when Emma and I were in London two years ago. I didn’t think anything of it but…what if that was actually him?”

David doesn’t say anything. He stares in him in silence, his fingers tapping against the counter the only sound besides the pounding of his heart in his chest.

“Fuck. What if you’re right?”

“I know,” he sighs, the weight that’s been pushing him down lifting off of him a little bit. Not much. He’s still hiding things from Emma when he promised he’d never do that. He’s still holding the cards to rip both Emma and Henry apart. He’s holding the cards to have his family ripped from him again, and this time it won’t be for two weeks. It could be forever. “What if I am? I don’t want to be, but what if Neal has been living some kind of secret life? And if he has...why the hell has he come back?”

“Listen, this is crazy. Flat out insane, and this stays between you and me because this is not something that I’m supposed to do, but if you can give me all of the information you have, I’ll do what I can to look into it. You don’t need to be messing with any of this shit.”

“Okay, I can – thank you because I – ”

The kitchen door slams closed, and all of the words on his lips die as Emma comes into the room, her hair falling down over her shoulders and this effervescent smile painted on her lips. She looks beautiful. Happy. And he doesn’t deserve her.

He has never deserved her a day in his life.

“Woah, why so serious guys?” she laughs, her hands ghosting over his back as she grabs a bottle of water out of the fridge, placing it on the counter. When neither of them say anything, she speaks again, “Babe? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he lies, plastering a smile on his face as he turns to look at her, allowing her to place her hands on her chest. She doesn’t believe him, her brows pinched together in distrust.

“What are you hiding from me?”

“Nothing, love,” he says again, wishing he could have thought of other words.

“Killian, I know when you’re lying. Superpower or whatever. I swear it still works.”

“Aye, I just…I think I just desperately need to kiss you right now.”

He leans down to kiss her, to press his lips against hers and feel them be connected, but Emma sways back, her head moving around while she laughs.

“No, seriously. Talk to me. Ignore the fact that my brother is awkwardly standing right next to us.”

“And that’s my cue to leave,” David says, sympathetically shrugging before he walks away and leaves Killian to fight this battle all on his own when he finally felt like he had someone on his side.

Emma looks back to him, her eyes large and pleading, the green as bright as ever, and she slides her hands from his chest until they’re wrapped around his neck as she sways further into him.

“Sometimes I’m overwhelmed is all,” he answers honestly, knowing that he can’t lie to her even if he’s leaving out the truth. “I know feelings are easier for me than for you, but sometimes they’re still hard, you know? I thought I was going to lose you, to lose everything I had, and that does something to a man, even months afterward.” “You’re never going to lose me,” she promises, her gaze never leaving his. “That’s not something you have to worry about.”

“Aye, I know. It still affects me, you know?”

“I know.” Emma presses up on her toes and gently slides her lips over his, the soft warmth that always radiates from Emma consuming him and grounding him, making every single one of his worries fade away if only for the thirty seconds that Emma is gently sucking on his bottom lip. “I love you, Killian Jones. You’re a good man and a good dad. Nothing is ever going to change that.”

“I love you too, and I hope so.”

She tilts her head to the side, that same happy little smile on her face that he loves. “Why don’t you come outside and come play with the kids on the swing set? Your son says you’re the best at getting him really high off the ground, and your daughter just kind of babbles words. But those words are our names, so it’s super cute. We can easily wake her up and be selfish even if we’ll have to pay for it later.”

“I’ll be right out, love.”

Her eyes squint the slightest bit, her gaze entirely focused on him as she studies him. He hopes that he’s not giving anything away, that he’s not letting her know, but he already knows that he has failed.

Emma’s hand moves up to caress his cheek, the softness brushing against the hair on his cheeks, and he closes his eyes and leans into her touch, letting her support him for a moment. “You sure you’re okay? Because you know I’m always here to talk when you’re ready. It’s just us. No walls, no secrets. Just us.”

“I promise I’ll tell you everything later. I’m not…I’m not trying to hide anything from you. It’s simply not the right time yet.”

She gets a little smile on her face then, her eyes lighting up even more than they were, and he realizes that he’s really gone and done it now. Because what else could Emma possibly think he’s hiding from her and only sharing with her brother? She’s waiting on him to propose. She wants him to propose, and that ring is still sitting in his uniform pocket, likely collecting dust.

He’s a bastard who does not deserve this woman’s heart.

“I can wait,” Emma practically sighs, that same smile growing bigger so that the lines around her eyes crease, “but I think you and I both know that there’s no such thing as the right time. And besides, you know me. You know what I’ll say to whatever little plots you’ve got going on in that big brain of yours.”

If only she knew.

“Aye,” he chuckles, twisting his head and kissing her palm, lingering for as long as he can while he simply breathes her in. “Go play with the kids, Swan. I’m going to run to the toilet and bring Ada outside with me. You know I have the bladder of a small child.”

“You do have to pee a lot on road trips.”

“Exactly.”

Emma walks away with a laugh on her face, the sound trailing behind her like music to his ears, but it only calms him for a moment before he’s running to David and Mary Margaret’s guest bathroom and slamming the door behind him, fumbling with the lock so that no one comes in. He can barely breathe, his stomach rolling, and before he can even try to stop it he’s vomiting into the toilet, his eyes filling with tears and his entire body shaking. This is all too much for him, and he just brought David into it too.

He’s likely ruining his entire life.

What is he going to do if everything that matters to him, if everything he has, is taken from him?

What is he going to do if he’s the one to rip everything away from Emma?

He can’t break her heart. She doesn’t deserve it. He’ll live a miserable life thousands of times. He’ll go to the end of the world for her. But he can’t let her get hurt again.

And yet he’s already set the wheels in motion and pushed the damn start button himself.

#rising from the ashes #cs fic #cs ff #captain swan fic #captain swan

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rhysanoodle · 5 years

Text

Perfectly Aligned

(Banner art by @sncinder, who is also my wonderful beta and sounding board for this fic. Go check out the full piece on her Tumblr or Instagram 💕)

A/N: Elain Archeron is struggling to adjust to her new life as a High Fae. Luckily for her, she’s about to become friends with a mysterious male and through him discover untapped powers and healing. This is Elain and Azriel’s story starting in ACOWAR and extending beyond where the series left off.

There are canonical scenes included in this fic where much of the dialogue and the general plot of those scenes belong to Sarah J. Maas.

“I have been a little off balance since the day I met you. This is because I had never known what it is like to be perfectly aligned.”

- Courtney Peppernell

Elriel fluff, angst, slow burn

Word count: 3455

AO3

Thank you so much for beta reading, @sncinder! 😘

Part 26

The next few days went by in a blur for Elain. She’d been doing a lot of thinking about her life, and she wasn’t sure where she stood.

She just wished more than anything that she could be spirited back to the townhouse garden. She missed the flowers and the peace she felt whenever she was around them.

Putting on Graysen’s ring again on the night of the meeting had been a mistake. She had woken up that morning and donned it out of habit, and then had decided to leave it on.

Perhaps Elain had wanted to dare him to approach her, to have realized that he made a mistake and that fighting in this war had changed his viewpoints.

Would it really reverse all of the hurt she’d felt from his words and actions? Not really. But there was just something inside her which wanted to see the good in people and to be able to let these hurts go. And it also would have lifted some of the ache of feeling so pathetically unwanted.

Elain had lost so much in her short life so far that she wasn’t sure how to just let things go. And when Graysen hadn’t even looked at her, she’d felt ashamed of the iron pressing coldly to her skin.

She had watched him go, longingly perhaps, but she knew that she was much more upset about the fact that this was the final time she’d be in these lands. At least in the near future.

She didn’t want to step foot in the ruins of this house again. She’d taken a look around but found nothing of significance that she wanted to take with her.

Nesta had spied the small carving lying on the mantle, apparently overlooked by their ransackers, and Elain hadn’t argued when her sister had pocketed it for herself.

She secretly wished it was hers, but Nesta had been through more than Elain could imagine. So she’d let go of this trinket, this last possession of her father’s to offer her sister some closure.

The ring and Siphon were now tucked at the bottom of her travel sack, amongst her discarded clothing, and Elain had never felt freer.

She studiously avoided Lucien, though the male seemed to have keyed in on that, and after the first full day in camp, she found that he mercifully wasn’t around.

While the others were busy negotiating treaties, she found herself wandering, sitting on the edge of a stream for hours on end, going to a nearby meadow to contemplate.

She had frustratingly gotten nowhere with her internal turmoil.

She kept inviting Nesta along, to do something other than lie in her bed, when she wasn’t dragged off as meetings to be an emissary, but Nesta had completely shut down.

Elain had even tried talking about how they could make a memorial to remember their father by in Velaris, but Nesta simply … didn’t care.

She wasn’t really speaking with Elain, with anyone at all. And when she was, it was usually to tell Elain to stop. Just stop. She didn’t want to hear it.

There was no crying, just emptiness. A complete disregard for what was going on around her.

Elain had even worked up the courage to ask Cassian what it was about. He just grunted, looking rather distraught, and Elain could tell that he didn’t know either. And it was killing him just as much inside.

Whatever this thing between them had been, whatever had compelled them to be willing to die for each other, Nesta had decided not to acknowledge it anymore.

Elain found herself wanting to talk to Az but lacking anything of substance to talk about. He’d been strangely silent since the other night, and she supposed it was for the best.

This alone time would be best for her. She’d always found herself more easily in the silences than around others.

She just needed to retreat into her shell a bit. She thought about using the shadows to travel somewhere if only for an hour—she knew that the second she went back to Velaris, she’d probably go back to her life cooped up in the house—but she could think of nowhere to visit.

The world was in disarray right now, and there would be no hospitality waiting for her, only a tired people working to rebuild their homes wherever she landed.

So she’d bide her time, learning how to be truly Fae before setting off on her own. She’d take advantage of the hospitality her sister was offering her until it was time to set off on her own.

Elain only hoped that would be sooner rather than later. But she had an eternity to look forward to.

She could move throughout Prythian if she wished, move over to the continent if she dared. And if she regretted the decision, she’d always have a home in the Night Court to return to, family and friends who she really should be trying to bond with more on a regular basis.

She realized that she hadn’t really talked to Nuala and Cerridwen since the incident with Graysen.

They had fallen by the wayside, casualties of the aftermath of that explosive conversation, and though she lived under Feyre’s roof, she hadn’t made much of an effort to engage with her sister, content to watch from the sidelines.

Well she would be content no longer. She would lean on them as much as they would allow as she adjusted to this new normal.

And it would feel normal. Elain would make it so.

Three exhausting days of bargaining and diplomacy later, they dismantled the war camp.

The Inner Circle stuck around with the other High Lords’ parties as the troops were winnowed home, until all which remained was for Rhys to throw their personal belongings in that pocket between realms and spirit them home.

Good riddance. It wasn’t the first war he’d cleaned up, and it may not be the last, but Azriel would give more of himself to make sure it didn’t happen again.

He had already planned some trips to meet with dignitaries in the coming month.

Everyone would travel home to settle down in their own courts, but peace would wait for no one, and spymasters, generals, and high-ranking officials alike would be working tirelessly after the small break they were giving themselves to ensure it went as smoothly as possible.

Starting with their summit in Day in a week’s time.

It was still one of the most neutral courts, so there was little relative to fear from traveling there. At least not enough to make everyone so worn down with the proceedings of the past few days want to question the location. They’d be alternating courts as the year went on anyway, so he couldn’t see how it really mattered where they started.

After saying goodbye to the other lords and exchanging formalities, Rhys winnowed the lot of them into the townhouse foyer.

Peaceful. It was so peaceful here. Somehow, there were still children laughing in the streets, despite the fact that many of their fathers had gone off into battle. It was strange how … untouched, unmarred Velaris was in the wake of the catastrophic battle which had just taken place.

But it was here that they all would heal. Slowly, but time would erase these wounds as they rebuilt their court.

“I supposed I shall have to eat real food now,” Amren muttered as they touched down.

What had she been doing these past few days? Drinking blood to see if it would still fuel her? Refusing to eat to figure out how this High Fae body functioned?

He guessed that she was used to go days on end without blood before, so perhaps the thought of eating hadn’t occurred to her before now, though her stomach must be protesting.

“A monumental sacrifice,” Cassian jested.

She flipped him off, but she didn’t have enough fire in her to truly snap back at him as she took in his wings, once again heavily bandaged and splinted—as if he just couldn’t stay away from trouble, where they were concerned, lately.

One way or another, they’d been injured—he’d been gravely injured—too many times in this war, over the past couple of months.

And then Amren’s gaze hit Nesta, whom Az realized none of them had really seen for the past few days. Elain had still been sleeping in the same tent as her and hadn’t reported anything particularly wrong, but they’d all noticed the fact that Elain tried not to spend much time in that tent and that Nesta’s food trays kept being sent back untouched.

She had already been thin, but a gauntness had crept over her face, and Az knew that, if left unchecked, she may end up as bad off as Feyre and Elain had been.

“I’m surprised you didn’t take the king’s head back to have stuffed and hung on your wall,” Amren said to Nesta.

Nesta’s dull eyes shot toward Amren, but she made no move to bite back, to strike with that infamous tongue of hers.

“Some would consider that joke to be in bad taste, Amren,” Mor chided.

“I saved your asses. I’m entitled to say what I want.” Amren didn’t even spare a glance back at the group as she prowled out of the house, likely to go struggle in silence as she adjusted to her new body in her apartment.

“The new Amren is even crankier than the old one,” Elain murmured in a hushed voice, as if embarrassed that no one else would find it funny.

Az couldn’t help the grin that spread over his face as he burst out laughing. For the first true time in weeks. The others joined along, Elain even grinning at how well the joke had gone over.

She was shining. She was a light in this new world, and he was so incredibly happy that she was able to find it within herself to even laugh after everything she’d been through. Even if it had seemed rocky between them since the battle ended.

He supposed it was to be expected that times were changing and so were relationships. He’d still try to be a good friend to her, but he got it. He really did. That she might begin to branch out and try to find herself, lean on others.

She would find her own healing, and he would find his.

Nesta remained on the outskirts, the only one not overtaken by the joy of the moment, but Azriel couldn’t bring himself to care. Not right now, when celebrating and being present with his family was so important.

“Come on.” Mor slung a carefree arm around his shoulders, as Az breathed in her heady citrus and cinnamon scent while she gingerly hooked the other around Cassian. “We need a drink.”

Indeed.

“We’re opening the fancy bottles,” Cassian yelled as the trio limped their way into the sitting room.

“Save a bit for me, at least,” Rhys countered, though Az knew he didn’t give a care in the world.

He had his life, his mate. Rhys wouldn’t truly be wanting for anything in the near future.

When they reached the sitting room, Cass broke off, on a mission to dig through Rhys’s liquor cabinet while Mor went straight to fetch glasses for everyone.

He knew he should be helping, but there was nothing else to busy his hands, and he was getting the world’s largest tension headache from the release of adrenaline.

For the past few days, he’d just been chugging along, letting the needs of others guide him, and this was the first time he’d allowed himself to just … stop.

Even for a few minutes. And now the weight of the exhaustion, the realization of what was to come as he didn’t get to settle back into his life like the others but had to go and help with unifying the territories threatened to drag him under like a lead weight.

He raised one hand to his head, rubbing at his temples, as the clinking of glass on glass grated against him.

Feyre and Elain entered the room, Nesta apparently having decided she was not going to attend their little celebration, and for the first time since he’d met her, there was a glimmer of hope and life in Elain’s eyes.

Az hadn’t been paying attention to what had been said after his exit, but whatever Feyre and Elain had discussed, it had made her cheerful.

“What now?” Elain asked no one in particular, as if she were dreaming of her own future in that head of hers.

A broad grin spread across her face, gorgeous and free, so lovely and comforting that Az felt his shadows stir in response. Where they’d been swirling around him, they stilled, fading from view, a few even running over to purr in her presence.

“I would like to build a garden. After all of this … I think the world needs more gardens.”

Az’s mouth parted in awe at Elain already being able to plan for such beauty in the world. That she was willing to try to make it a better place, in the best way she knew how.

“Yes—I think it does.” Feyre’s eyes seemed like they were about to brim over with tears as she gave her sister a kiss on the cheek.

What now for you? With the others now cracking open the bottles of whiskey, Elain had seated herself on one of the plush sitting room chairs and was now glancing shyly at Az.

I drew the short stick. After this week, I’ll be traveling around Prythian and the human lands as we work to unify, gathering intel. It’s not going to be easy, but somebody needs to do it. And I already need to keep tabs on everyone to make sure nobody decides to take advantage of this fragile state we’re in.

I see. How long will you be gone?

As long as it takes. Peace is never just as simple as winning a war.

Don’t you need a break?

Not everyone can have the luxury of that. He had to admit that his own words were getting a little clipped right now. He knocked back what was left in his glass.

Oh. Okay. She seemed on edge now, unsure of what to say to him. He really should stop being so cold with her, though he was having trouble controlling his bitterness as he thought about his role for the next few months. He wished more than anything that he could stay here. Will you still be able to train me?

I won’t be around very often, so I would recommend beginning to practice on your own. You’re doing great, and I’m sure that if you find yourself in need of a tutor while I’m gone, someone will be able to assist you. And we can always pick up when I return.

Whenever that is.

Whenever that is, he echoed. He took in her slight frown. Cheer up. It won’t be forever, though I am rather glad to hear that you’re going to miss me, he smirked.

Who said anything about that? Her cheeks were blushing now, though.

I think it was rather obvious, El. Now, come on, we should be over there—he nodded toward the hearth where the others were gathered—celebrating. We did just win a war after all.

And so the two of them walked over to where their family were clinking glasses together in a toast to their victory. The sheer disbelief of the outcome still seeming to be a bit of a shock. It had been days since the final battle, but this was the first time they’d truly been able to be themselves, relax just a fraction, since that dreadful day.

Already on her second glass somehow, Mor was rosy-cheeked and cracking jokes about the other High Lords, letting off some much-needed steam.

Az couldn’t help himself from laughing along with the others as Mor’s high-pitched cackle rose above all the rest. She draped an arm around Elain, offering the middle Archeron sister a glass of her favorite vintage.

Elain looked too embarrassed to turn it down, and they all laughed a bit as she took a tiny sip, cringing at the burn of the liquor as it went down.

Mother above, it was adorable, and Az could watch this for hours. His friends, laughing and joking like old times. Before Rhys had been captured. Before Hybern had declared war. Before their High Lord had sacrificed himself because he believed that building a better world was worth it, even if he wasn’t in it.

A High Lord who had supposedly slipped away to the restroom but still hadn’t returned. Az sent a scout looking for him, only to find that he was lingering in the kitchen, all by his lonesome, staring out the window at the garden.

Not a terrible pastime, but he should’ve been the head of the party.

Az knew that what had happened had hit home and Rhys, but he also knew how much love and support could do to heal the emotional wounds of war.

Our brother needs us, he said to Cassian, indicating with his chin that Rhys was in the kitchen when Cass caught his eye.

Cass nodded, and Az took the decanter, pouring out another glass to bring with them. An offering.

They sauntered into the kitchen, Cassian drawling, “You coming to drink, or are you just going to stare at the flowers all day?” as they crossed the threshold.

Rhys spun, trying his best to look casual, but his hands were in his pockets. He’d been a split second too late in hiding the slight frown of concentration he’d had on before attempting to greet them with a smile.

Az summoned his power, sending the glass across the room into one of Rhys’s hands, removed from the pocket just to catch the liquor.

“Sneaking up on your High Lord is ill-advised,” he replied. But still, he drank deeply, taking a large swig, draining half the glass in one go. He needed this distraction. Needed them to pull him out of this state.

“It’s good to keep you on edge in your old age,” Cassian quipped as he took a sip, leaning lazily against the doorway. “Why are you hiding in here?”

Az’s head whirled.

Wow, way to ease into it, Cass.

The prick knew he was being miserable. He deserved me cutting to the chase.

Rhys didn’t seem offended though. He just chuckled as he took another sip, eyes lighting up a bit in surprise. “You really did open the fancy bottles.”

A deflection if Az had ever heard one.

A silence crept over them, broken only by the sound of the females in the other room all erupting into laughter. Rhys’s head snapped to attention at the noise, and by the time his brother had schooled his gaze and glanced back at him, Az knew.

That Rhys was expecting this to be taken away from him at any second. That there was still that seed of doubt in his mind that this had actually happened. That any of this peace was real, was earned.

“It’s real,” Az murmured.

Rhys’s eyes began to tear up, but he slowly walked over to where Az and Cass were waiting for him in the doorway.

“Let’s not do this again for another five hundred years.” His voice was hoarse with trying to keep his emotions at bay as he clinked their glasses together.

Az couldn’t help the tentative smile at that, his brother coming back to them, giving in and agreeing to join in the festivities in his own way.

“And what are we going to do until then?” Cassian lifted an inquisitive brow full of mischief.

“Hey, bat boys! Stop comparing wingspans in there and bring us food. We’re starving!” Mor yelled from the sitting room amongst a host of giggles from Feyre and Elain. “And it better be impressive. With extra bread.”

A tipsy Feyre and Elain sounded like they were in stitches and would definitely all be in need of that bread to soak up a bit of the alcohol.

Az rolled his eyes. Leave it to Mor to break the tension so perfectly in her own ridiculous way.

At the sound of his mate’s laugh though, Rhys broke out into a genuine smile for the first time today.

“Until then,” he said, throwing his arms around Az and Cass’s shoulders, as they headed back into the sitting room, “Until then, we enjoy every heartbeat of it.”

A/N: Who’s ready for ACOFAS?! Glorious Solstice presents and shadow potatoes are imminent! 💙🥔🦇🌺

Tagging these lovelies: @rosehallshadowsinger @montherox @sncinder @mikaylamee @maastrash @illyrian-bookworm @queen-archeron @librarian-of-orynth @abillionlittlepieces @fucking-winchester-trash @hellas-himself @acourtofabsandillyrians @julesherondalex @wolffrising @cassianpeia @mehlisssa @queenofillea1 @laurannabookstuffsblog @dreaming-of-bohemian-nights @propshophannah @dreamerforever-5 @icvechu @arwenbk3 @lokis-wifey1212 @shimmerglimmerandsparkle @actuallyfreely @fireheart-of-your-dreams @marvelmyass @actuallyacotartrash @jemma-nessian-and-elriel @tswaney17 @beelezebub @devilsadvocate15 @sailorainbow99 @azriels-forgotten-shadow @faequeenaelin @courtofdreamsandterrasen @tragically-broken @bibliobug @vicisbookishblog @writer-reader-traveller @the-regal-warrior @faelightsstarfall @courtneyehk @queen-of-wings-and-fire @thebriarpost @justtanerd @court-of-fuck-me-daddy @hope-unswervingly @illyriangarbage @sleeping-and-books @chloeness-blog @azrielismycinnamonrollprimary @jmbhorses @erinmau @feysand-rowaelin-worshiper @kylizzles @booksatteatime @maficorral @trashpandablr @loysydark @to-the-stars-who-wish @bookishblood @red-dragon-princess-blog @illyrianbeauty @insufrableknowitall @queenofbumblebees @highqueenofelfhame @cookiemonsterwholovesbooks @nuclearplanets @aquariarose @nightcourtstarlight @acer6437 @mikalya12 @mrspettyferr @sydney-marlis

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list! 💕

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#elriel #elain #azriel #elain archeron #perfectly aligned #elain and azriel #azriel and elain #elain x azriel #azriel x elain #acotar #acomaf #acowar #acofas #a court of thorns and roses #a court of mist and fury #a court of wings and ruin #a court of frost and starlight #fanfic #my fic

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zebrashavestripes · 5 years

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Answer all questions for ask game about your cats!!(I'm dying for knowing about ash and Sabby pleeeaase!!😍)

Oh my goodness girl, so many, but okay.

1. Name? Ash and Sabrina2. Fur colour? Ash has grey fur on his back, with white markings on his face and white on his belly. Sabrine is the same, but with black on her back, and a special marking on her face.3. Any family you know (other than you)? They are related by blood as brother and sister, which is cute I think :)4. Age? 21 months old (my babies), which is around 17 in cat years5. Favorite toy? They love playing with cardboard for some reason, it’s super weird. There are cardboard scraps all over my house. And, according to Ash, Sabrina’s tail is his FAVOURITE toy.6. Nicknames? Ash: Ashy, Ashy baby, baby boy, pretty boy, foofy boy, crazy boy. Sabrina: Sabbi, Sabrrrrrrrrrina, Miss, purrty, pretty girl, baby girl, fluffy girl, Miss desperate and more7. Cinnamon roll or problematic fave? Ash is both of those and Sabrina is neither. Sabrina is too good for you. How dare you be in her prescence? But also, freaking pat her already, she’s desperate, people!8. Length of fluff? So long, omg. The flooofiest. Ash is the fluffiest, just covered in clouds of fur. Sabrina’s fur is long but a bit sleeker.9. Any funny habits? Does eating things they’re not supposed to count? Or the fact Ash always wants me to walk him to the food and keep him company while he eats. Sabrina’s habit of turning around and forcing your hand into her face is a nice one.10. How old were they when you met? 9 months. BABIES11. What does their food bowl look like? They have a conjoined bowl which is bright green and a water bowl with little fishies on.12. Indoor or outdoor cat? They’re allowed to go outside, but Ash prefers to be indoors where he can move and lounge around without cause, where as Sabrina loves exploring outside, she kept escaping when I first got her, lol13. Recent picture?

Sleepy babies.14. Old picture?

BABIES15. Cuddly? Reasonably so. I’m the only one they really let pick them up, but they don’t mind sitting beside you or on your bed and stuff. I actually think it depends on their mood, or how hot it is on the day.16. Ever changed their name? YES. I kept Ash’s name, he was called that when I got him from the SPCA. But Sabrina’s original name was Scamp which we didn’t like because such a name is not appropriate for royalty.18. Eye color? Yellow/green19. How do they express love for you? Ash follows me around the house, Sabrina walks up to me when she comes in from exploring. Both like to be in my room when I wake up. They’re really nice cats. Also, tolerating me picking me up is definitely a sign of love.20. How do you express love for them? HEAPS of pats, feeding them good food, and by telling them all the time through long blinks and actual words.21. Any theories on what breed? I don’t really care about breeds, honestly. What matters is what kind of personality they have, not their genetics.22. Do they ever wake you up? YES. Recent time Ash woke me up: He was meowing for me to get out of bed so I went and saw he had a mouse. Sadly, I was not surprised by this. Recent time Sabrina woke me up: Came into my room and started ripping up my homework, lol. Silly girl.23. How much do they meow? They aren’t super loud, but Ash will meow when we go to get his food because he’s happy about it and wants to communicate. I always meow back. Sabrina’s meow is more squeaky, lol, and she does it when someone touches her unexpectedly of when she comes inside and sees me, or when she’s been picked up and she doesn’t like it.24. Any hiding spots? Ash likes to lie beneath the table and my chair, etc. Sabrina will hide behind the couch occasionally. They have both hidden beneath stools because the fabric will hang down to cover them, bu their paws and tails peek out so I always know they’re there.25. Do they enjoy guests? Depends. A hoard of screaming children? Hell no. A lot of people in one room? Nope! They’ll be in my room the entire time. One person carefully introducing themselves? Okay, now you’re talking.26. Lofty objects to sit on? The back of the couch. Various window sills.27. Wear a collar?(and describe collar?) Yes! They have matching collars. Ash’s one is blue, Sabrina’s is purple. They both have a magnet on to get through the catflap.28. How much shedding? Inevitable with such long-haired cats. There is so much cat fluff all through the house.29. Do they enjoy brushing? Sabrina LOVES brushing. Will purr the entire time, will make you feel so special. Ash hates it. Will only let me do it, and I still will come back a little scratched and bitten. He’s a vicious boy. I love him.30. Ever drink from the toilet? Lol, yes. They leave paw maks on the bowl. But Sabrina prefers to drink from the sink. She’s more proper that way. Sometimes, they even drink from the bowl.31. How do they get your attention? For Ash, meowing usually does the trick. Sabrina, you can call her sometimes but it’s best just to go up to her.32. Embarrassing thing they’ve done? Ash fell out of a window. His face, omg. He was so ashamed.33. Weirdest thing they try to eat? Ash likes to eat peas. There’s no try about it, he does it. Sabrina likes to try to eat paper and cardboard.34. Are they like your siblings, children, or friends? They’re my children. My babies.35. What time do they eat breakfast? Whenever they want. They self regulate their eating.36. Do you cut their nails? No? Why would I do that? How else will they scratch their foes?37. Do you think they understand you? Yes. Of course.38. Ever make fun of them? Of course. Ash can be so stupid and violent (He’s an Ed Nygma, lol). Sabrina pretends to be all innocent and perfect but she likes to play just as much and is SO desperate for the pats.39. Do you take their picture often? When I feel like it. I like taking pictures of them.40. Ever hiss at you? Not really. Last time I heard Ash hiss, it was because a baby was crawling towards him and Ash felt trapped and didn’t want to hurt the baby, so he was trying to tell it to go away. I don’t think I remember Sabrina hissing.41. Ever try to scratch or bite you? Yes :) Attack babies. Ash has no hesitation, loves clawing and biting. Sabrina Will claw to stay attached to you or to bring your hand closer to her face for PATS.42. If you try to grab their paw, what do they do? If they’re in a good mood, they do nothing. Otherwise, Sabrina will pull away, and Ash will bite you or scratch you or both. 43. Do they ever eat bugs? SO MANY BUGS. They don’t discriminate, if you are bug they are eating you. They bring them in to play with before they have their meal. They’re a bit sadistic, although I’m sure Sabrina would protest me saying that. The favourite is Wetas, which are exclusive to NZ as far as I know.44. Canned or dry food? Dry food. It’s better for their fur.45. Weight? Ash is heavier, around 7kg or so last time I checked. Sabrina was closer to 5kg. But it’s been a really long time since I checked.46. Ever got lost? Nope.47. Do you buy them presents? I am their present. I am a gift.48. Do they respond when you call? When they want to, lol.49. Do they ever see other cats? There are other cats on the street, but they don’t like each other.50. Declawed? NO!!!!!51. Funniest expression? Ash makes a face everytime he thinks I’m about to give him food. Sabrina likes to look around with her eyes barely open, silently judging you for being in her presence (and not patting her).52. Favorite place to be pet? Face. Cheeks, chin, fore head, FACE.53. Worst thing they’ve destroyed? A whole frozen chicken. We don’t talk about it.54. Give them a head kiss. I did. Sabrina made such a cute, squeky meow that I had to pat her afterwards. Ash was like “wtf are you doing?” I think he’s only interested in food atm, lol.55. What time of the year is most exciting for them? Spring. They go outside lots and the grass is super wet and they get leaves and shit stuck in their fur.56. Are they good at hunting real prey? They have killed two birds and one mouse and soooo many insects. Does that count?57. Do they ever attack nothing? Of course. Especially Ash. He stupid.58. What are they doing right now? Sabrina’s on the chair, wondering why I left her after giving her kiss and pats. Ash is licking himself.59. How long have you had them? About a year. My last cat I had 8 years.60. If you could have them stay as a kitten forever, would you? No. What would be the point? Cats are more peaceful than kittens anyway.61. Ever baby-talk to them? Everyday. They are babies.62. Favourite napping position? Ash is a lover of the C position, or loaf position. Sabrina is a big fan of Ball of Fur position.63. Have you ever stepped on their paw? No.64. Ever tripped you on stairs? Yes, lol. That’s what they get for running like that.65. Any ear hair? They gots furry ears, it’s cute.66. Favourite view from a window? They like to watch the birds nest out one of the windows, Ash especially.67. Describe why they are precious. Because they just are so preicous. Sabrina is so tiny and baby but also attac and playful but she deny it. Ash is stupid baby, scaredy cat but he attack and pretend to be brave and I love my brave scaredy-cat baby.68. Fit the cat stereotype? Some of them, yeah.69. Chaotic neutral? Lol, Ash is chaotic Evil, but Sabrina is def chaotic neutral, even though she claims to be lawful good.70. Do they enjoy following/ keeping you company? Yes, I believe they do.71. Are you their favourite human? Definitely.72. Do they like tv? I think so. I’ve caught them both watching my laptop screen over my shoulder.73. Favourite noise to make? They love to purrr and make their lil meows.74. If they were a Neko Atsume cat, what would their momento be? I don’t know what is is, lol

Wow, so many questions. You now know so much about my cats.

#ask game #long post #so many questions #cats

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tipsintrips-blog · 6 years

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61 Travel Tips to Make You the World’s Savviest Traveler

Updated: 8/01/18 | August 1st, 2018

Most people aren’t born savvy travelers. It’s something that only comes with on-the-road experience. In the beginning, you make a lot of mistakes. Travel savviness is a process born of missed buses, foolish behavior, cultural unawareness, and countless tiny errors. Then, one day, you begin to seamlessly move through airports and integrate yourself into new cultures like a fish to water.

I want to help speed up the process and help you avoid my mistakes (and I often make a lot of them), so I put together this giant list of 61 travel tips that cover everything under the sun to help you reach your full travel ninja potential:

1- Always pack a towel

It’s the key to successful galactic hitchhiking and plain common sense. You never know when you will need it, whether it’s at the beach, on a picnic, or just to dry off. While many hostels offer towels, you never know and carrying a small towel won’t add that much weight to your bag.

2- Buy a small backpack/suitcase

By purchasing a small backpack (I like something around 35/40 liters), you will be forced you to pack light and avoid carrying too much stuff. Humans have a natural tendency to want to fill space so if you pack light but have lots of extra room in your bag, you’ll end up going “well, I guess I can take more” and then regret it.

3- Pack light

It’s OK to wear the same t-shirt a few days in a row. Take half the clothes you think you will need…you won’t need as much as you think. Write down a list of essentials, cut it in half, and then only pack that! Plus, since you bought a small backpack like I said, you won’t have much room for extra stuff anyways!

4- But take extra socks

You’ll lose a bunch to laundry gremlins, wear and tear, and hiking so packing extra will come in handy. I only take a few more than I need. Nothing beats a fresh pair of socks!

5- Take an extra bank card and credit card with you

Disasters happen. It’s always good to have a backup in case you get robbed or lose a card. You don’t want to be stuck somewhere new without access to your funds. I once had a card duplicated and a freeze put on it. I couldn’t use it for the rest of my trip. I was very happy I had an extra and not like my friend, who didn’t and was forced to borrow money from me all the time!

6- Make sure to use no-fee bank cards

Don’t give banks your hard-earned money. Keep that for yourself and spend it on your travels. Get a credit card and debit card that doesn’t charge a foreign transaction fee or an ATM fee. Over the course of a long trip, the few dollars they take every time will really add up!

7- Travel by yourself at least once

You’ll learn a lot about yourself and how to become independent. It’s a cliché, but it’s true. Traveling solo taught me how to fend for myself, talk to people, and handle unfamiliar situations with ease. It’s made me comfortable with myself, helped me learn about what I’m capable of, and allowed me to be super selfish and do whatever I want! It can take some getting used to if you’ve never done it before but do it at least once. Make yourself uncomfortable and surprise yourself. You’ll learn valuable life skills when you push yourself!

8- Don’t be afraid to use a map.

Looking like a tourist isn’t as bad as getting really lost and ending up in the wrong neighborhood. Don’t be afraid to use a map or ask for directions and look like a tourist. After all, you are one! I always use a map when I travel. It helps you get to where you need to go!

9- But don’t be afraid to get purposefully lost.

Wandering aimlessly through a new city is a good way to get to know it, get off the beaten path, and away from the tourists. You might be surprised by the hidden gems you find. I like to wander around and try to find my way without using Google Maps!

10- Always visit the local tourism office.

They know about everything going on in town. They can point you to free activities, special events happening during your stay, and everything in between. They even offer discounts on attractions and transportation. It is their job to help you experience the destination better. It’s amazing how many travelers skip this when they are visiting somewhere but, as a savvy traveler, you know to use this resource!

11- Don’t buy a money belt — they’re stupid.

Thieves know they exist and being seen with one basically shouts, “Look at me, I’m a tourist with money! Rip me off!” The more you can blend in and act like a local, the easier it will be to get deals and avoid touts. If you’re worried about pickpockets, keep a better eye on your stuff!

12- When you go out, take only what you need.

Limit the amount of cash and bank cards you carry with you, so if something does happen, you can easily recover. Never take more than one credit card or ATM card with you. My rule for cash is to limit what I carry to $50 USD.

13- Always carry a lock.

They come in handy, especially when you stay in dorms and need to lock your stuff up. Carry a small combination lock with you when you travel. Don’t use one with keys because, if you lose the keys, you’re screwed!

14- Make extra copies of your passport and important documents.

Don’t forget to e-mail a copy to yourself too. You never know when you might need to have some sort of documentation with you and might not want to carry your original. Additionally, if your passport gets stolen having a copy will come in handy for your police report.

15- Ask hostel staff for information — even when you aren’t staying there.

Hostel staff deal with budget travelers all day, every day. They know exactly where to go for cheap meals and attractions. They also tend to be locals so they know the city very well. Ask them for all sorts of information. Even if you aren’t staying in one, just pop in and ask for help. They’ll usually give it.

16- Learn basic phrases in the native language of your destination

The locals will appreciate it and it will make your interactions easier. You don’t need to master the language but learning a few things like “Hello,” “Goodbye,” “Thank you!”, “Where’s the bathroom?” will go a long way to endearing yourself with the locals. They’ll like that you tried.

17- Read a history book!

You can’t understand a place’s present if you don’t know anything about its past. Read up on the destinations you are visiting. It will give you a deeper understanding of this place you’ve wanted to see for so long!

18- Don’t be ashamed to walk into a Starbucks or McDonald’s.

Sometimes familiarity is comforting and both places have free wifi and public restrooms you can use. (Just don’t eat the food at McDonald’s! That shit is gross and unhealthy for you! You can get it back home!)

19-Don’t fly direct

When booking flights, sometimes it is cheaper to fly into airports close to your final destination, and then take a train or bus to where you need to go. Be sure to shop around for your flight and know that direct isn’t always the cheapest route.

20- Always get behind business travelers when in security lines.

They move fast since they are usually in a rush and travel light. They know the drill. Line up behind them as much as possible. You’ll speed through the line!

21- Never get behind families.

They take forever. It’s not their fault. They just have a lot of stuff because of the kids. Try to avoid getting in lines with lots of kids. It’s going to take awhile.

22- When you check in to the hotel, don’t be afraid to ask for an upgrade.

They have a lot of flexibility when it comes to assigning upgrades at check-in. It never hurts to ask. Often times they can accommodate you if the hotel isn’t full. Just be super nice!

23- Libraries, Starbucks, and most cafés have free Wi-Fi.

If you’re staying someplace that charges you to connect, check out one of these places. You can connect for free.

24- Lunchtime is the best time to visit historical sites.

Be a contrarian. You’ll have fewer crowds getting in your way as big tour buses, groups, and most travelers head to lunch. It’s always best to visit an attraction super early, late, or when people eat. You’ll have even the most popular places to yourself!

25- Never eat in a touristy area or near a tourist attraction

As a general rule, I walk five blocks in either direction before I find a place to eat. The closer you are to tourist attractions the more you are going to pay and the worse the food (and service). Use websites like Yelp, Google Maps, Foursquare, or Open Rice to find some delicious and popular restaurants around you.

Additionally, never eat anywhere the menu is in like 6 languages! That means the restaurant is just for tourists!

26- Locals don’t eat out every night and neither should you.

Go grocery shopping. You can learn a lot about locals’ diets by seeing the type of food they buy. Plus, it will save you a lot of money. You won’t regret it. Cook your food, save money, surprise yourself!

27- Eat at expensive restaurants during lunch.

Most expensive restaurants offer lunch specials featuring the same food they would serve for dinner but half the price! That’s the best time to eat out when you travel.

28- Pack a flashlight.

It will let you see at night, you avoid stepping on stuff, and help you tell ghost stories. Who’s afraid of the dark?

29-Carry a basic first-aid kit.

Accidents happen so be prepared. I take band-aids, antibacterial cream, and ointments for minor cuts and scrapes. You never know when you’re going to need it and you can’t always get it when you travel.

30- Book flights 2-3 months in advance to get the best price.

Don’t drive yourself too crazy trying to get the absolute cheapest fare. Spending five hours to try to save $10 will cause you a lot of stress. Here are some article on how to save money on flights:

31- Stay in hostels

They are cheap, organize events, you’ll meet a lot of people, and they are just tons of fun! Plus, hostel bars sell cheap beer.

32- Use Meetup, the sharing economy, and hospitality websites to meet locals

These websites will help you get an insider’s perspective on your destination by connecting you with locals in the places you visit. The sharing economy has changed the way people travel allowing you to meet locals, get off the tourist travel, and save mega money! It’s a triple win – and resources that I use all the time when I travel. Here’s an article on how to use the sharing economy (and what websites to use) when you travel.

33- Be open to strangers

Not everyone bites. Say hi to people on the road. Turn strangers into friends. Remember they are just like you! They want to live a happy, full life and have hopes and dreams too! You never know. You just might make some lifelong friends.

34- But keep your guard up.

Some people do bite, so keep a healthy level of suspicion. You don’t want to fall for any travel scams or get yourself into uncomfortable situations. Be open but cautious.

35- Try new food.

Don’t ask what it is. Just put it in your mouth and see if you like it. If you put your guard up, you might miss out on some unusual and delicious local cuisine. Here

36- Avoid taxis.

They are always a budget buster. Never, ever take a taxi unless you absolutely have too!

37- Take an empty metal water bottle through airport security and fill it up at your gate.

Drink from the tap when you can — you’ll save money and help the environment. If you’re going somewhere where you can’t drink the water, be sure to get a water bottle with a filter. I love LifeStraw and Grayl as my two preferred ones.

38- Take free walking tours.

Besides being free, these tours will give you a good orientation and background of the city you are visiting. I love, love, love taking walking tours when I travel. You pass the time, you get to pepper the guide with questions, and you get to learn so much about where you are! Take a walking tour when you travel!

39- Get city attraction cards.

If you are going to visit a lot of museums and other attractions in a short period of time, a city pass is going to save you money on admission (plus most provide free public transportation too!).

40- Take pictures of your luggage and clothes.

If your bag gets lost, this will help identify it more easily and speed up the process of having your travel insurance reimburse you.

41- Carry emergency cash.

Because emergencies happen. Like that time in Romania when I couldn’t find an ATM and needed money for the bus to the hostel! I usually try to keep around a $200 USD in emergency cash in case something happens!

42- Get good shoes.

You walk a lot when you travel. Don’t beat up your feet. Love them as much as they love you, and they’ll take you to amazing places.

43- Get vaccinated.

Because falling prey to an illness in a foreign country is not fun — and many countries require you to get vaccinated in order to visit them so, regardless of your opinion on the subject, you just might have to.

44- Learn to haggle.

Haggling is a fun, playful way of not getting charged the foreigner price. It’s the art of negotiating and one that will help you throughout all of life, not just at the market.

45- Use points and miles for free travel.

You can go a lot further in the world when you don’t have to pay for it. Learn the art of travel hacking and collect points and miles through your everyday spending so you can get free flights, accommodation, train tickets, and other forms of travel! It’s what all expert travelers due to lower their travel costs and something you should do too! Here’s how I earn 1 million frequent flier miles every year!

46- Take a jacket.

Nights get chilly.

47- Eat street food!

If you skip the street food, you miss out on culture. Don’t be scared. If you’re nervous, look for places where kids are eating. If it’s safe for them, it’s safe for you.

48- Get travel insurance

Travel insurance is the most important thing you get that you never want to use. If something goes wrong, you don’t want to be out thousands of dollars in bills. It will be there if you get robbed, flights get cancelled, you get sick or injured, or have to be sent home. It’s comprehensive and, for just a few dollars a day, one of the best investments you can get for a trip. You may think you’re superman/woman but so did my friend who broke her arm, didn’t have insurance, and had to pay thousands out of pocket. Insurance was there when I had to replace my camera and when I popped an eardrum scuba diving!

49- Be patient.

Things will work out in the end. No need to rush. You’ll get to where you are going in due time. Travel is about the journey, not the destination.

50- Be respectful.

Locals are willing to help you out, but there’s probably a language barrier, so keep your cool when something doesn’t go your way. If you don’t, you’ll end up just looking like an asshole tourist.

51- Don’t overplan your trip.

Let your days unfold naturally. Schedule two or three things and let the day fill in the rest on its own. It’s less stressful, and letting the day just take you is one of the best ways to travel.

52- Relax.

See Be patient.

53- Be frugal — but not cheap.

Don’t be penny wise but pound-foolish. Look for deals and don’t waste money, but don’t miss out on great experiences or walk 10 miles to save a couple of dollars. Time is money. Spend them both wisely.

54- Take earplugs.

Snorers are everywhere and you need your sleep.

55- Always have an extra USB charger.

Batteries die. Your good mood shouldn’t.

56- Take photos of and with people.

Lots of photos. Years from now, you’ll want to look back on those nights you can’t remember and the people who made them memorable.

57- Book your tickets online

If you’re planning to do any activities or excursions on your trip, book them online. Companies usually offer a discounted price when compared to buying in person. Not only that but you’ll be able to pay with a credit card, giving you some extra protection as well as more travel points!

58- Sign up for flight deals

When it comes to travel, your flight(s) will likely be your biggest expense. Save money by signing up for flight deal websites like Scott’s Cheap Flights, The Flight Deal, and Secret Flying. You’ll get epic flight deals straight to your inbox, saving you time and money. Also be sure to sign up for airline newsletters, since that is where they will announce their sales first!

59- Pre-book your tickets to attractions

Many major attractions allow you to reserve your spot and skip the line. Always look online to see if this is an option. This will you to avoid wasting time in multi-hour lines and go right in. I’ve seen people wait hours for the Paris Catacombs, Louvre, London Churchill War Rooms, churches, temples, historic fortresses, and more. Pre-book the day before, skip the line, get to see more during your day!

60- Avoid TripAdvisor

TripAdvisor is fine when you need opening hours or an address, but when it comes to reviews I ignore it completely. People always leave a negative review when something bad happens but rarely leave a positive review when something good happens so the reviews tend to be skewed. On top of that, it’s very easy to create fake reviews and make a place seem better than it is. Many hotels and restaurants hire firms to artificially inflate their reviews on the platform. Additionally, TripAdvisor has been known to take down reviews that are overly negative as well reviews on sexual assualt. Use TripAdvisor with caution. Or better yet, don’t use it at all.

61- Finally, wear sunscreen.

For as the Baz Luhrmann song “Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)” goes:

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable Than my own meandering experience.

#trips #trip #tipsintrips #travel #photography #behappy #tripadvisor #passport

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thefinalcinderella · 6 years

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DIVE!! Book 3 Chapter 7-MEET THE MONSTER

Just found out that the anime cover version of the DIVE!! novels is no longer be sold...fuck

Lesson: get limited edition stuff as soon as they come out

Full list of translations here

Previously on DIVE!!: Youichi regifts, but then doesn’t.

November 4th, nine a.m. The south entrance of the JR Shinjuku Station (1) was crowded late-commuting salarymen and office ladies, couples who looked like students, and people who don’t seem to know what they were doing. Youichi, dressed in a thin black sweater and casual jeans, and slipping through the ticket gate quickly, would also seem like one of those people who didn’t what they were doing to an observer.

It was a bright and pleasant morning. The sky was clear, and the sun shone with a moderate body warm-up-ish light, like it was a diver preparing for its performance in the afternoon. The people walking down the road were still dressed in light autumn clothing, but beneath their feet, the cold wintry wind drew small swirls, already signalling the arrival of winter.

Youichi walked straight forward on the Koshu Kaido (2) that stretched from the station to the government offices. Even he knew the way he was walking—directly forward—was awkward and jerky.

It took ten minutes to walk to the hotel of his destination. The promised time was exactly ten o’clock. Even though there was plenty of time, Youichi’s feet moved forward like he was a robot that ignored time allocation. If he slowed his pace down forcibly, he felt like he’d come to a halt in the valley between the skyscrapers, and no longer be able to move his feet forward again.

He was nervous. He was as nervous as if this was right before the final dive of a competition he absolutely couldn’t lose.

That person is waiting.

Just thinking that made Youichi’s heart beat faster.

The time had finally come.

Regarding Youichi’s appeal to see Chairman Maebara, Keisuke had called it “extremely absurd” and that it was “impossible to set up.” Chairman Maebara controlled the entire Japanese water sports world, which not only included competitive diving, but also competitive swimming and water polo. There was no reason for him to spare some of his precious time just for a mere high school diver. Youichi himself knew how reckless this endeavour was, as Keisuke emphasized repeatedly. Nevertheless, he refused to give up on that reckless endeavour, because in his mind he was thinking that it was impossible for such a preposterous thing, like having Olympic representatives suddenly fall from the sky one day, in this world.

Youichi kept on persisting, but Keisuke hardened his stance. Their relationship became more strained by the day, and that didn’t lead Yoriko, unable to put up with being stuck between the two of them, to support Youichi, they might have continued this cold standoff forever.

Yoriko, who had been neutral until then, had a very simple reason for why she came to be Youichi’s ally for the first time.

“Your father has watched from the poolside how you are suffering from your slump. I have been watching from this room as well. The room is closer, and I can see how completely lifeless your eyes are better from here. You’ve asked for a favor that made your eyes shine like that after such a long time. No matter how crazy it is, isn’t it just like a mother to want to grant it to you?”

Youichi had no idea when and where she persuaded Keisuke. Keisuke, who knew Youichi’s disposition to not yield once he proposed something, might have expected this conclusion from the very beginning.

Nonetheless, even after writing an impressive-seeming petition to the chairman, he continued to show that he did not approve of Youichi’s “extremely absurd” act. Every time Youichi saw his face, he felt like he’d fall into the deep wrinkles carved between his brows.

Youichi had no idea when and where Chairman Maebara looked over Keisuke’s letter and accepted the meeting. If anything, it seemed that the assistance of Yoriko, who worked at the JASF, was a bigger help than Keisuke’s letter. For the first time, he was aware of the “blessing” of having parents who were well-known in the diving world.

In any case, fourteen days after he visited Tomoki, he finally got his desired reply.

Two weeks from Thursday, Chairman Maebara will be interviewed by several magazines in a room at a certain hotel in Shinjuku. He could only leave one hour before the interview aside for Youichi.

The message he brought from his mother to Chairman Maebara was the first flake of snow that he himself sent down.

When he saw the white walls of the designated hotel, the watch on his wrist still indicated that it was nine thirty-six. It’s like I’m an anxious student about to take an exam, Youichi thought, ashamed of being twenty-four minutes too early. If he was going to come, he might as well be like Musashi who kept Koujirou waiting (3), and arrived comfortably late. However, unlike Musashi, Youichi was confined to the given time of the battle.

In order to calm his nerves, he killed time by walking one lap along the streets that surrounded the hotel. When he thought about how everyone at school would be in class around this time, he felt like he had come to a somewhat terrifying, distant place. Youichi couldn’t surmise what kind of person Chairman Maebara was, but he didn’t seem like someone who honoured the common sense that high school students shouldn’t be absent from school.

Maebara Ichirou. Seventy-eight years old. A former competitive swimmer who although was one of the leading figures in creating a swimming boom in post-war Japan, never participated in the Olympics. It seemed that person was more complicated than he thought, as Youichi received differing advice from both Kayoko and Yoriko.

“In the outside world, he’s called a medal ghoul, but he rather gives off the feeling of a monster. At any rate, he’s strange. He is so powerful he doesn’t seem like he is near eighty, and if you are careless, he’ll knock you down, so be careful.”

Kayoko seemed to have been acquainted with the chairman, and when she learned that Youichi was going to go meet him, she warned him, half-threateningly, half-amusedly.

Rather a monster. A strange person at any rate…

And so, the seeds of bewilderment were planted, with Yoriko sprinkling the fertilizer on them.

“Generally speaking, there are many differing ways to assess him. Medal ghoul, self-righteous, fascist…the different malicious gossip around him cannot be suppressed, but the ardent devotees who idolize him cannot be suppressed either. As for me, I have been in his anti faction ever since he touched my butt at a competition where he was a judge, during my athlete days.”

“They didn’t have words like ‘sexual harassment’ back then,” Yoriko said, with her eyes seeing the distant past.

“But well, one thing is certain. Chairman Maebara is more well-versed in diving than anyone else in the JASF. Some say that because he is a former competitive swimmer, he doesn’t know diving, or that he does not put effort into the sport of diving, but that is not the case. He knows diving very well, perhaps he even loves it.”

He was startled when he heard the word “love” from his mother’s mouth.

To Youichi, who reflexively looked away, Yoriko held out an old booklet. The handmade booklet was bound with large staples, and on the yellowed cover, the title “Diving Manual” was handwritten in stern-looking letters.

“This booklet was made by the chairman twenty years ago. At that time, he was teaching swimming at a university while serving as a committee member for competitive swimming at the JASF, and though he was sometimes urged to be a judge for competitions, he had nothing to do with diving. But for some reason, he made this book. At that time, as well as now, because books written on diving were non-existent, I was ecstatic when I received this from my coach. You’d know if you read it, but its descriptions are really detailed. Of course, at the time I didn’t care who wrote it. A few years ago, I suddenly remembered it and looked over it, when I saw Maebara Ichirou’s signature in the author’s field, I was truly shocked.”

From that day onwards, Youichi kept turning over the pages of that booklet every night before he slept.

Diving events. Rules. History. Training methods. Recent overseas news—.

Not only did Chairman Maebara’s pen spell out those topics precisely, with regards to matches he also touched on noteworthy things in diving competitions, and the complex psychology of the athletes. The page that explained the events was accompanied by illustrations that in no way can be called skilled; the diver diving from the platform looked like a dragonfly, and depending on one’s point of view, like they’re leaping towards their death. Yoriko might have felt the love there, but to Youichi’s eyes it looked quite surreal, and it seemed to have made him unable to sleep.

It wasn’t just the strange illustrations that made it difficult for him to sleep.

The Maebara Ichirou who made this book twenty years ago, and the current Chairman Maebara who adhered only to medals, did not resolve well at all inside Youichi’s head. If one of them was a mask, then it’s a big deal, and if both of them were genuine, then he really was a monster.

These sprouts of bewilderment were quickly nurtured within Youichi, and thus somewhere in his heart, he gradually became afraid of his desired meeting with Chairman Maebara.

When he walked one lap around the hotel and stood in front of the front entrance once again, the hands on his watch indicated that he had about ten minutes left before the arranged time. He didn’t plan on going exactly at ten, and it might be effective as psychological warfare to go a little bit earlier to catch the enemy off-guard. Usually, Youichi was the type to slowly count “one, two, three” right after the whistle was blown before stepping forward, but sometimes he purposely started early to catch the judges off-guard and get them to pay more attention to him.

But here on the land, there was no water that would catch Youichi no matter what mistakes he made. If he failed, he’d fall all the way down into the depths. He was resolute, and while mustering up courage for his unusually cowardly self, he ended up loitering around the lobby floor until the very last minute.

Just before he got on the elevator, he realized he needed to go to the washroom badly because of stress.

Translation Notes

1. JR stands Japan Railways, a group of companies that operates Japan’s railways

2. Koshu Kaido is one of five routes built during the Edo period to connect Edo with Kai Province

3. This is referring to the famous duel between Koujirou Sasaki and Musashi Miyamoto, where Musashi was three hours late in order to psych out Koujirou.

Next time on DIVE!!: We actually get to meet the monster.

#DIVE!!#dive novel translation

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careforselfs · 7 years

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Tips that changed my young life

Part 1 (one)

As a kid with ADHD, sleep deprivation and a severe case of laziness, at one time in my life I had stressed myself out to the point where suicide was looking like a viable option. No young person should have to feel that way, especially if it’s because of preventable habits. Around the start of high school my time was spent being unproductive and feeling miserable. I had no motivation to get any work done, I was tired 24/7 but I hardly got any sleep, I was grumpy and depressed and unfocused, and my social life was suffering. Although these are still problems that I (and everyone on this planet) face, I’ve gotten a lot better at handling myself and I’ve stopped putting up with my own bullshit. Although not all of these tips are going to help/are practical for everyone, hopefully some tired and sickly kid like me will find this list and feel a lil more inspired to get the most out of life.

1. Self-care isn’t what you think it is:

A few years back my idea of self-care was so skewed that my habits ended up doing more harm than good. Whenever I felt bad, I’d usually curl up in a blanket, watch some netflix or scroll tumblr, wallow in self-pity, and eventually fall asleep. While admittedly that is something we can all benefit from every once in a while, when that becomes a daily ritual is when it becomes counter-productive. Self-care is supposed to make you feel good; not only in the moment but in the long run too. Blanket pity cave feels great at the time, but when you finally emerge into the light you find that you’ve wasted time, you still feel sleepy, and nothing has been achieved. But what else could self-care possibly be?!?! you may ask. Well I hate to be the one to say it, but sometimes self-care is doing the last thing that you feel like doing. If you’re feeling tired and sad, often the best remedy is to go for a quick walk around the block. If you knew me at all, you would know that walks are not something I very much enjoy. Especially when I feel like curling up into a sleep-ball, exercise is the last thing I want, but the first thing I need. And I always end up feeling better in the end. And exercise isn’t the only form of self-care! It’s getting a glass of water even when you’re too tired to get up from the bed. Its doing your god-damn homework even when you’re so fucking sick of calculus oh my god I can’t even bare to look at it. Just do it. Even for, like, 10 minutes. Then take a break. It doesn’t seem like much but you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment and therefore feel more motivated. Please, just take this from me. Two years ago I would have laughed in your face if you had suggested this to me “I can’t do homework if I don’t feel like I can do it! Are you crazy? That's not how ADHD works!” Well suck it up kid. You gotta take care of yourself. Think long term!

2. Just ask for help:

I like to be independant. I like doing things by myself, without help, because that's what smart people do right? Wrooong. Nobody is born with the innate understanding of how to do everything. It’s a waste of time if you’re trying to get stuff done but you’re stuck because you don’t understand something, and instead of asking a simple question you stubbornly sit in your chair for hours wracking your brain for the answers when you know in your heart they aren’t there. Asking for help can be embarrassing, especially when you think the question is stupid or you think you should be able to do something by yourself. But teachers/parents/chaplains/whoever are usually more than happy to answer your questions, and will rarely think badly of you. They need help sometimes too! And help isn’t only for school work. At some point in time you’ll realize that you need mental health help, or physical help, or emotional help. Those aren’t things to be ashamed of. I used to/still have a lot of trouble getting motivated to complete basic tasks. Before I’d just sit on my ass and wait for the motivation to come naturally, but it never would. Finally I realized that if I simply asked my mom to help me (set a timer, check up on me, go through things step-by-step) I could... actually accomplish stuff. And yes, asking for help, especially for simple and “easy” tasks, is anxiety inducing. Sometimes I felt like a child, incapable and useless. But if you get help straight away, then you learn how to be independant sooner rather than later, and you’ll need less and less help. There’s really no shame in it. Everyone needs help at some point in their life. Everyone.

3. Identify and treat any underlying health problems you may have:

I was diagnosed with ADHD in grade four, but it didn’t start to affect my life until high school. The second semester of grade ten I noticed my marks dropping an unusual amount, and I was struggling to stay motivated. I was tired, disoriented, grumpy, all the things I’ve listed above. Finally my mom took me to see my old psychiatrist, and she put me on medication. It took a very long time to find a combination of pills and coping strategies that worked for me, but now I find I’m able to cope a lot better. And I know that I’m not just lazy, or dumb, or useless. My brain is wired differently from the norm and I’m not able to function well in the environment that modern society has created. And now that I know that I’m able to adapt. And mental health problems aren’t the only health problems that can affect your outlook on life. For a long time after I had settled on the right meds, I was still feeling tired and hazy. I was weak and pale, had absolutely no strength or energy, and fell asleep so uncontrollably that I started to wonder whether I was narcoleptic. After a blood test to check if I could start new medication, it was discovered that my iron levels were non-existent. All my symptoms were symptoms of low iron. It was such a simple and common health problem, but it had gone undiagnosed for so long that it had started to severely affect my life. I started supplements and added iron-rich foods to my diet, and two years later I’m a completely different person. I can go for hikes. I can wake up early and not feel tired. I have the energy to do whatever I put my mind to, and even my thinking is clearer. Don’t just chalk up all your problems to “I, as a person, just suck.” Sometimes, our “quirks” or “faults” are actually symptoms.

4. Love unconditionally:

This tip doesn’t focus on you, but your perception of others. My whole life I’d been in a toxic friendship. My best friend didn’t treat me or others well, but she was all I’d known and therefore I didn’t know any better. She was extremely quick to judge others, on their clothes, hair, and personality. If someone did something she didn’t like, no matter how small, she’d cut them off completely. After a while I learned to think and act the same way, and eventually, to our surprise, we ended up with no friends but each other. I just thought that people were mean. That I was better than them. I understood how the world worked and everyone else was immature, and not worth my time. Unconsciously I ended up judging people by their flaws. I’d disregard all their good traits, their kindness, their loyalty; I’d look through all of that to see only their faults. And nobody is perfect, so I had no friends! My “friend” had even higher standards than I did, so naturally I was cast aside after 10 years of loyal friendship. I was shook, to say the least, and I started to reevaluate how I viewed people. All along I’d obviously known that everyone makes mistakes, you should love people with their flaws, blah blah blah, but I actually started to put that mindset into practice. And I discovered a world full of beautiful, beautiful people. I began to realize that if a friend did or said something I didn’t like, I could still be friends with them. We didn’t have to agree. Sometimes people say or do stupid things. Sometimes people have outbursts, take all their anger out on you. Sometimes they can be unkind or unloyal or untrustworthy. But those things don’t define them. For all their flaws, they have 100 more beautiful traits. You shouldn’t let their problems outshine who they really are. And that’s what I’d been doing! I missed out on so many wonderful friendships because I couldn’t get over the fact that sometimes people aren’t 100% awesome. They can make mistakes and it’s alright! Sometimes they even make big mistakes! And that’s alright too! You can work past them together. I find that when someone is shown unconditional love, instead of taking advantage of you like you might think they would, they tend to become more appreciative of your friendship, and become a more confidant person. But it’s important to remember that it’s also ok to cut toxic people out of your life. Sometimes, for no reason at all, you won’t get along with someone. Your personalities just don’t mesh, or some of their traits just rub you the wrong way. You’re not obligated to be friends with everybody. You don’t have to hate these people, remember they have good things inside them as well, but you also don’t have to devote any of your time to them. It’s also important to remember that some mistakes are just unforgivable. It doesn’t matter what it is, but if someone does something that affects you so much that you don’t know if you could handle keeping them in your life, it’s ok to let them go. You can’t say “it’s fine whatever” when in reality you’re going to suffer. Sometimes, people’s negative traits can outshine their positives in your life. They might not be a bad person, but they can be a bad person for you. All in all, I find that it’s easier to just accept people. I have sooo many more friends now. I’ve been exposed to different types of thinking and different ways of being, and I’ve only become a better person because of it.

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thehappymessproject · 7 years

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Wallowing 101 : let yourself feel the pain

Yesterday, I had to answer a lot of similar questions. It seems like a lot of us have a hard time letting themselves feel the pain they are feeling deeper, inside, wearing those closeted feelings on their shoulders, heavy and bitter.

It's only natural to fight something unpleasant. Trouble comes up when avoidance and numbing become the only ways we interact with those feelings. Here are a few leads to let yourself be when you feel really low : First of all, stop doing anything you are doing just in order to avoid unpleasant feelings.

Anything you will do solely so you don't feel bad anymore won't be that rewarding. You need to engage on things you truly value and learn to do them for the sake of them. Like with any kind of physical pain, if you focus solely on not feeling the pain, your life will become an utter nightmare. If you accept that the pain will come and go as it pleases, so in the mean time, all you can do is take the best care of yourself possible, and go on with your life because pain doesn't rule your life. It's just an occasional road companion.

Then instead of trying to change how you feel :

1 - Be compassionate and gentle

Again, if you break your leg, it doesn't make sense to decide you will ignore the pain, get out of the cast and go for a run. Even if you really love to run or you need to run that race. You keep your cast, make sure it doesn't get wet, wait for the bone to heal itself and take it out when the leg is ready. Not when you wish it would be. Being very sad all the time means you need to stop and rest. Protesting that you don't want to be sad, resisting it, avoiding it only make it worse and more susceptible to bite you in the ass when you least expect it.

2 - Be mindful

To really engage with your self care you need to be on the moment the more you can. I've written already about easy gates to mindfulness and connecting to yourself (meditation, yoga, writing). Those methods are the most efficient and straight forward. Although any tiny step goes if you are struggling.

Try this easy 5mn grounding exercise : Look around you. Breathe deeply. Find : 5 things you can see. 4 things you can touch. 3 things you can hear. 2 things you can smell. 1 thing you can taste. Very efficient especially if you are panicky.

Other tiny things that help if you really engage with them :

- Eat an apple and just do that for the few next minutes. - Open and close the curtains and watched the difference in lighting. - Listen to a song, keep coming back to it until it's over. Hum it or sing it ideally. - Watch your pet be. Your fish swimming, your cat licking herself, your dog playing. Or interact with them calmly. - When doing any of it, be all at it. Don't rush to the end, take your time. Find ways to enjoy it. Pause and reflect on what's happening in you.

You are going to be distracted, just make a priority out of coming back to your mindful moment. Take your time : nowadays, this is the ultimate luxury.

3 - Ask your Little one inside : "How I can take care of you right now?"

They're the ones who know. It will probably sound childish, something along the lines of 'I want my mummy'. Not that you really want your mom. You don't need anyone in reality.

You need the ‘idea' of a mom. You want to feel safe, nurtured, held, supported, encouraged, loved. We all do when we feel really vulnerable and helpless.

What helps you feel that way? Or How can you engage in what you do so you can feel that way?

4 - Let it go. Whatever it is.

Drop the struggle. Let go of resistance. Stop fighting yourself.

That's a key. I realised a couple of years back that every time I'm getting crazy trying to find "what I am missing", you can be sure I'll end up on "you forgot to accept everything you can't change".

You'll know when you'll let yourself really go. When you'll trust yourself enough to be as big of a mess as you are inside. Any progress is to be celebrated, victory is adding one moment of awareness and gentle presence at the time. Yes. Even if you're gross, ridiculous, weak, stupid, ugly, any awful word you beat yourself up with to avoid feeling whatever you need to feel.

Often, tears are involved, if so, often what I call 'belly crying'. 'Chest crying' is superficial, a bit like when we feel like complaining about everything but wouldn’t know we feel so crappy and snappy. When it happens a lot, it's a cry that means there are a lot of crying that should be happening but isn't. But belly crying feels like our guts are ripped off. Like nothing can help but letting out the suffering. We stop fighting and totally let ourselves go. That’s when the healing can begin, when we can feel all the pain.

It's ok. It's probably scary, unknown, it is going to hurt. But only once you feel the hurt and bleed, only then you can let go of the pain and move on. Unfelt pain feels SO heavy and empty at the same time. It really isn’t worth it on the long run.

5 - "I can't understand why I feel that way" + "I don't know what to do"

Don't look for a why. It'll be wrong anyway, it's always lots of reasons and a lot of randomness.

Right now, you need to feel, not to think. Not to act.

Emotions make us more prone to action. You will feel like you need to do something about it. That doesn't mean it's true or that even if it is that you need to listen to that impulsion. Give you room and time to decide what YOU really want to do. Not what your habits tell you to do.

Stop reflecting. Talking about it. Complain about it. FEEL IT. Where is it in your body? Is it cold? Hot? Hard or soft? Is it still or moving? Does it have a colour? Does it have a pulse? Feelings don't have words. That's our interpretations. Feelings are sensations. Focus on that, leave room for that feeling.

6 - "I don't feel that bad when I let myself go."

That goes with a lot of emotional control. Usually, when a patient is feeling that way, he/she feels stuck, but me saying certain things can actually make them feel very emotional very easily.

If you really don’t know how you feel, try reading those prompts and see what happens, which ones strike a chord when you try them out and imagine they are true (spoiler alert : none of them is more than a thought) : - I feel so lonely. - I feel so helpless. - There's nothing I can do. - I am lost. - I am scared. - I am ashamed. - I am so angry. - I am so disappointed. - No one has my back. - I should be different. - I should feel differently. - I have bad thoughts. 7 - This is your hibernation time. Honour it. Cancel everything that feels unpleasant for a while. Even if you have nothing to do and it's scary or depressing. You need space, the most space you can give yourself. You need space and time to do nothing. To reclaim back your time. It's not to hide yourself because you aren’t presentable : talk about your hibernation, be proud of your ability to know when it's time to retreat and your courage to do so. This isn't defeat. This is strategical self care. You aren't weak, you are smart. You know when you need to rest and recharge. So put your phone on plane mode. Shut down the internet. Stop the time for a while. Retreat. 8 - Treat yourself like you would treat a young, desperate and hurt child. Or someone you really love who has anything that makes you want to protect them and make sure they feel loved if you wouldn't have the patience to be kind to a child who needs you. A pet who really needs you is obviously totally ok too.

When we lacked a lot of the love we are talking about here, being compassionate gets really really hard. That's because compassion starts with ourselves, and we weren't given that much, so we struggle to know what it feels like. It takes practice to learn how to treat ourselves. Most of us don’t know how to do more than numbing or avoiding the pain and discomfort. 9 - Keep showing up for yourself Persevere. Keep going. We have days when everything feels awful and we feel it won't ever get better. It's part of the human experience. Teach yourself that you will love yourself unconditionally even if it never gets better. Prove it to yourself by never giving up on giving yourself self love. When I am having a true hard time, my only focus is to be there for myself. I don't necessarily know when it'll be over, it doesn't always change the way I feel. It's not the point. The point is me, still there. Not only numbing myself or avoiding displeasing feelings, but there on the hard times. Not just being harsh with myself and judging me, but when I do (old habits die hard), learning to repeat to myself things like : "It's ok that you feel that way. I love you anyway. It doesn't mean anything about you, or your future. Millions of people right now feel that same pain, you are not alone. You just need some down time and space and room. Whatever happens, you'll find ways to make it work. You are going to be okay."

10 - Do your best, and celebrate the smallest step.

Do your best doesn't mean give your best every second of the day. It means accepting that wallowing takes a lot of energy and therefore we have less energy for other things. Other things can wait. If something cannot, make sure you do a tiny amount of it regularly. 10mn (1% of your waken time) at the time eg.

Show yourself that doing things doesn't have to be excruciating. That you can do a bit, and then stop yourself and continue later. Make sure you feel safe when you are in your own custody. That may sound dumb phrased like that, but many people think they're not trustworthy when it comes to take care of themselves. How can we expect to take good care of ourselves if we keep thinking we can't do it?

Go on the @todayifeltproud Tumblr and check out what baby steps means. Sometimes courage is moving mountains, sometimes it's just getting out of bed or promise yourself you'll do better the next day late at night. Celebrate anything that felt hard to do. Even if it might seem stupid or insignificant to others. Because if it was hard for you, and you did it anyway, well, you needed courage. Not a lot of people choose courageous paths. Doing hard stuff is hard. And anything can be hard depending on the state we are in. Drink a glass of water. Stand up every hour. Stretch. Walk inside, just a few steps. Outside your house if you can. Augment your radius every day. Spend 5mn at least everyday doing things you love. And things that help you being mindful.

IT IS ABOUT THE TINY THINGS EVERYDAY.

Give yourself more love everyday, one moment at the time and trust yourself : you are stronger than you think. So far, you always survived. Even the hardest things. You will find a way back to yourself. Credit photo Christine Donaldson - Unsplash

#recovery #wallow #sad #depressed #anxious #retreat #therapy #therapist #emotional badassery #self care #self love #self compassion #the happy mess project

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