#and also that rage and ‘bad’ emotions and selfishness and all these evil things that rise up from within a person are in fact natural | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

always-andromeda · 1 year

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˚ʚ 𝕬𝖓𝖉𝖗𝖔𝖒𝖊𝖉𝖆'𝖘 𝕻𝖔𝖗𝖙𝖆𝖑𝖘 𝕽𝖆𝖓𝖐𝖎𝖓𝖌 ɞ˚

Here's the giant Portals ranking that no one was waiting for!! 🥰 This whole post is unnecessarily long and includes my shitty little analysis so hey, thank you if you read any of this! If you don't read this giant post, then I will make my main point quickly. This album is fucking beautiful. And Melanie continues to top her previous work in so many ways. The direction that her narrative is going in is one that I am so into and if this post does anything at all, I hope it encourages you to take a look at this album and her other music. Because I think the things she has to say with her discography are both highly creative and deeply topical. My love for her artistic vision is immense and I hope that comes across in this post. Anyhoo, I love you all. Stream Portals, please and thank you!! 💞✨

𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐫: I am just a random dork on the internet who's a huge music lover and especially a massive Melanie fan. That's all. And I genuinely love every song on this album. For me, Melanie's discography is one of the few skipless ones I know of and this album continues that tradition. The songs near the bottom of this list are only there because the ones that are listed before it were so memorable for me.

❥ 𝐄𝐕𝐈𝐋

loving you was lethal, guess that makes me evil...

We're starting off this ranking strong with my absolute favorite song on this whole album. I'm warning everyone by saying that I love this song with my entire heart and I am taking this opportunity to get all of feelings about it out. Because if you've ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, this is a song you scream the lyrics to. I would 100% recommend doing this; it's unexplainably therapeutic. I think one of my favorite little tidbits about this song is that Melanie kept rewriting lyrics because they weren't mean enough. She said she spent a whole day completely wrecking her vocal cords for this song. And there's something so empowering and radical in a person who is normally so compassionate and empathetic exercising that kind of pure, unadulterated anger. Personally, I've spent a very long time almost feeling guilty over that anger because it isn't proper or kind. But Melanie's articulation and expression of this rage and refusal to keep taking mistreatment is fucking everything. In the past year or so, I've had to do a lot of work to completely embrace that evil and crazy label. Out of all the conflict songs on Portals, this one is my favorite. The lyricism and instrumental are perfect for the song's energy and I will keep screaming along to it basically any chance that I get. For all of my friends out there who have been in this kind of relationship, you are entitled to your anger. You are allowed to feel wronged. You are not a bad person for being upset that you were hurt. Fuck decency and respect. That all died the day they decided to cross you over and over. Your anger and your emotions are powerful and they are allowed to be expressed.

❥ 𝐍𝐘𝐌𝐏𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐘

be the manic pixie dream girl that you fucking ought to be...

Based on the name alone, I didn't think I would love NYMPHOLOGY as much as I do now. Prepare for me to also go on a massive rant for this song. Now, I know a lot of this song references Greek mythology. But, as a person who got a kick out of consuming Lolita analysis' as a teenager, my brain can't help but draw comparisons to Lolita's main characters. Like I heard the lyrics, "Call me your nymph, / Praise me for martyr, praise me for sin" and, "Auctioned to a selfish man who thinks that he's the prophecy," and went, "Oh my god...Humbert Humbert????" But this song definitely commentates on a larger social trend. And that is know-it-all man children who victimize women who are ten times more interesting and compassionate than them. Which is an experience that way too many AFAB folks can relate to. Similar to EVIL, the first words I can think of to describe this one are angry, empowering, and earnest. On a real note, I love the way that Melanie makes it very clear that there's no point in blaming yourself if you've fallen into this kind of situation. I've had many conversations with friends who've shared this kind of experience and the first thing we all do is think of ways we fucked up. But at the end of the day, we loved earnestly and that shouldn't have been used against us. Not only that, but we can continue to be the manic pixie dream girls that we once were, but this time for ourselves (btw, the AMULET outro at the end slaps and I love how it connects to EVIL).

❥ 𝐌𝐎𝐎𝐍 𝐂𝐘𝐂𝐋𝐄

womb shedding any lessons, making room for blessings...

I'm about to go on a hell of a rant for this song too. I cannot describe how frustrated I got at all the folks using the snippet of MOON CYCLE on TikTok and going, "Oh, I guess Portals won't be skipless lmao." I was a MOON CYCLE Stan from day one and I take such pride in it. Not only does this serve as a fun little diss track on Oliver Tree but it is also a song that makes me feel like...wow. I am a being that has a period. That's kind of fucking cool. And this is something I've struggled to be okay with for literally almost ten years now. There's something incredibly empowering in how Melanie's art has recontexualized gender and expression for me. This is something I could talk about for forever, but I have always felt very removed from the concept of femininity. Between being a plus sized person and having never really fit into the classical definition of femininity in the first place, Melanie manages to reframe femininity in a way that isn't dependent on misogyny or comparison. It's beautiful. And I love her endlessly for giving me a song that listen to when that period depression is hitting hard and I wanna visualize a man who is down bad for period sex. Thank you, Mother Melanie.

❥ 𝐒𝐏𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐄𝐁

no one can leave once they merge...

Most of my initial love for SPIDER WEB came purely from my ADHD ass brain going "ooooo fun instrumental!!!!" Truly...put an instrumental that scratches the neurodivergent urge in brain in my lap and I will be playing that funky noise on repeat forever. However, I have since read a little more into the background of this song. However, with the added context of this song being about social media makes every lyric hits that much harder. It also really explains Melanie's reluctance to be active on social media outside of artistic purposes. The parallel she draws between a spider web and the tantalizing but destructive draw of social media is actually brilliant and I love her for it (I say as I write a Tumblr review for her album lmao whooo no one say anything to me).

❥ 𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐑

you are the light, i've been searching for forever...

Based upon just the snippet of this song that was released, I didn't think this one would rank super high on my list? Like I loved the snippet, don't get me wrong! But the whole song continues to grow on me the more I listen to it. I think this is closest we get lyrically to peace and happiness on Portals. And I think it's grown on me so much because it reflects so much of the personal growth I've made in the past year. It perfectly describes the relief and comfort you take in finding people who genuinely give you hope for living after spending so long being devoid of it. Those kinds of people are rejuvenating, refreshing, and healing; they're showers of pure light.

❥ 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇

i'll be meeting you here every time...

This opener is nothing short of perfect in my eyes. It's effective at giving the listener a taste of the themes that Melanie touches on in the rest of this album. Narratively, it functions as our introduction to Crybaby's new form. But in a real sense, it's Melanie reintroducing herself after a three year hiatus since K-12. Using this as the first single before the release of the album was actually brilliant and it makes me glad that Melanie's label is finally seemingly putting more into the marketing of her music? Overall, a powerful and iconic opener to this era.

❥ 𝐓𝐔𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐋 𝐕𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍

but i'm more than than, more than that...

Now I've been obsessed with the prelude snippet of this song since the Hatching clip was released about a month or so ago. In this, Melanie is challenging the subject of the song to widen their tunnel vision; to look at her in a deeper way than just purely superficial aspects. This is a theme that she's touched on a little bit in some of her other music (see K-12's Lunchbox Friends). But here is where she also plants the idea that underestimating her isn't just a mistake, it is dangerous. This underlying darkness and danger is expanded upon beautifully in NYMPHOLOGY and EVIL (Also the chanting at the end gives me such goosebumps, holy shit, I love it).

❥ 𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐃

i fear i won't live to see the day tomorrow...

VOID is the track that really kicks off the pop-punk and pop-rock influences of this album. And apparently this is the first song Melanie produced completely on her own!! Which makes complete sense considering how personal the lyrics come across. Narratively VOID fits snuggly alongside DEATH. It is Crybaby grappling with her anxiety and insecurities after going through rebirth.

❥ 𝐁𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐋𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐑𝐘𝐍𝐗

how stupid, selfish baby...

As a person who has had to calm articulate themselves through many arguments with folks who just yell a lot of nothing at you...this one slaps. There's something kind of reassuring with Melanie continually emphasizing the importance of being empathetic, thoughtful, and communicative through her music. Mostly because sometimes it's easy to get exhausted being that way. But her eloquent lyricism and her ability to mesh metaphors into her music absolutely convinces me that those abilities are valuable and I should be proud of them in myself.

❥ 𝐅𝐀𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐄

gather me, all of we, everyone...

Genius describes FAERIE SOIRÉE as Crybaby on a mushroom trip, trying to escape the hallucinations before ultimately giving into the magic. Which...yeah. That kind of makes sense. Melanie's vocals exude this ethereal, dreamlike quality that is only elevated by the vocaloid interlude at the end. The interlude portion is actually one of my favorite parts lyrically as it builds more of the mythical, mystical vibe from this era by suggesting that all beings are connected in some way or another.

❥ 𝐋𝐄𝐄𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐒

i guess that is the luck of the draw...

LEECHES is another song that touches on the effects of fame; something that Melanie has written about previously with Show and Tell. Except where Show and Tell seemed to focus more on fans and media people who demand too much of celebrities, LEECHES describes a more sinister type of creature. In my opinion, it's about people who maybe have used Melanie in the past to either leech off of whatever she could provide them. For me, I think the most memorable part of this song is her projection? I adore how assertive her voice sounds during the chorus, as opposed to the breathy quality of her verses.

❥ 𝐖𝐎𝐌𝐁

cut the cord, i'm coming...

I feel kind of bad ranking this one so low? But basically every song on this album is a fucking banger in its own way and this is one that is simply a liiiiittle less memorable to me than the others. However, that doesn't mean I'm ignorant of its importance to the album's narrative. The main motif of the album is rebirth. We started with death and we now end with life, all because of the womb. The bit I adore most is how the outro parallels the intro of DEATH. It really highlights the cyclical process of life and death and stresses that there really is no end to growth. The main point of this album is that life is all just energy being repurposed over and over and over again; we are constantly growing and evolving.

❥ 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐈𝐒𝐓

stretching my self worth just like you usually do...

Okay. So I love this song. Truly. I love every song on this album. And I understand both the narrative and literal functions of this song. However. The one aspect that makes me kind of cringe is the bone crushing beat. But that's just because I'm a squeamish little baby and that sound is a little too good for my liking. However, I still wouldn't skip it. This song makes up for the squishy and crunchy sounds with Melanie's warped and maniacal laugh. You can tell that they really don't give a fuck about conforming to anyone's standards. There's something so unhinged about this song that I can't help but love it anyways.

#˚ʚ meda reviews ɞ˚#melanie martinez #portals #melanie martinez portals

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chaosmultiverse · 2 years

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Oz’s Siblings

So Oz’s doc mentions that he has some siblings which are the embodiments of the following: Anger, Grief, Desire, Despair. and I thought I should go a bit into each of them

Grief - Ara (From the name Arachne)

Ara was born in the aftermath of the big dang to mourn the universe that had just died, at this time it was only them & The Goddess (The one that contracts the Coven and a story for another day), She and The Goddess disliked each and fought often but it didn’t truly mean anything until life started to form in the universe. Ara found themselves drawn to the still infit earth and watcher over, soon getting to finally met gods like themselves.

Ara raised her siblings from when they were children into their late ‘teens’, keeping in mind their roles within the world to be the enemies of ‘good’ she tried to instill a desire for power and control, so they’d be strong enough to survive and meet her standards.

Ara is worshipped both by those who have lost a great deal and those that wish to inflict great deals of grief to others, when someone prays without a god in mind for the life of someone it’s she whom receives it. Within cults they are known as The God Of What Was Before.

Notably they are also the lead deity worshiped by cults that worship their whole family and sometimes is misinterpreted as the other’s mother, also being known to have made the first ghost and perhaps even the system that causes ghosts form, as in a sense unfinished business is just grief that hasn’t been resolved.

Out of the family she is the main one that works towards taking control of the world and purging it into chaos, though without ‘Dread’ around she isn’t able to make as much progress within the modern era, still with the right items and some gullible people she’d be able to make a move (aka I am open to writing a Prank Masterz type ending).

Her powers are out of her family the least restrained as she has the most worshipers and her concept has a lot of stuff that goes under it’s title, as anything from uncontrollable rage to bravery unmatched can be caused by grief so her powers are more in line with a classic evil goddess, though a lot of her powers that are defined are tied to the dead.

Their form takes the appetence of a vaguely femmene person made out of old star dust and other space debris, they have short sharp hair that frames her face and is often wearing a all black outfit that matches the surroundings. No one has ever seen their face as it’s covered by a mourning veil, and when people have taken a peak in the past they’ve gone blind and weren’t able to explain what they saw. Within the veil are faces within the lace that act as a procession.

She took the name Ara during the modern era to be better able to speak with other modern gods and monsters.

Desire - Nao (Naomi)

They were born a natural god, unlike a lot of the other gods that were embodiments of emotion they weren’t defined as good or bad, desire as a feeling can lead to great deeds or horrible deeds so for the first while of Nao’s life they were simply worshipped as a lone god that helped with wishes, the strongest form of desire.

But they grew tried of being seen as less note worthy due their lack of stakes in moral matters and got annoyed with The Goddess trying to call all the shots for all gods, to the point of renaming herself to ‘The Goddess‘ as if she was the only goddess that mattered. So Nao turned to Ara’s family knowing they would be welcomed with open arms into her pantheon/family, after this Nao started to more embody desires gone wrong, jealously and selfish wishes but they still would answer prayers for good or neutral things.

Nao is a very charming person that knows what people want, they though seem pretty detached to the people they speak with, they could be saying they would gladly marry someone but sound so uncaring. They mostly care about their own gain and fun, almost acting like a trickster archetype.

Nao’s powers allow them to always know what someone desires the most, and they have the power to grant any wish asked of them though there are always strings attached to the wish granted. It is easy to trace them to monsters like genies and other wish granters but they are always to blame for some monsters like ghouls, as a whole any wish for a form of life normally causes either death or new twisted form.

They mostly get along with Oz though are a little confused why he gave up being a true god when they can tell that he misses it, they’re pretty much just waiting for him to come crawling back.

They always look like who the viewer most wants to see, so for an example it could be the face of an old friend or someone the viewer thinks is hot, their form avoids taking the form of children or if the viewer is into Nao of the viewer‘s family members. The form doesn’t have to even be of real people just whoever the viewer would want to see. If the viewer just wants to see them then they would see a form that is a pale white humanoid who looks like different manikins put together, their outfit is mismatched and patched together, their face is simply a glowing void alit with red fire, the flames and glow go up to where their hair would be.

They have always had the name Nao simply because people wanted to call them something.

Anger/Rage - Id

Once known as The Goddess Of Grace, this deity was cast aside when they called out their oldest sister. With no where to go Ara welcomed them with open arms into her family. It took some time but the bitter feelings over his abandonment turned him from a deity of Grace into one of Rage, at this point he barely sees what remains of his old family as his family and is fully devoted to Ara’s family.

Id is very close with Ara and perhaps a bit co-depended on Ara as he as a really big fear of being left again and can’t rely on the groundwork he had when he was born. In a since he acts as a godly agent to her and out of the family is the most loyal to the cause.

Id is actually very well worshiped as someone to inspire those that take part in combat and within cults is known as The Righteous Flame, and as a god that is willing to take prayers from the circles of hell, especially from any demon connected to wraith.

Id’s powers mostly go into a mix of fire and power over people’s feelings, since he’s both been a god of grace and now anger he can make someone go from 0 to 100 and then right back as he wishes.

He’s got some anger towards Oz due to Oz basically leaving the family behind to become ‘Oz’ and Id feels abandoned due to that, which given his past is like the last thing he wanted to repeat so if Id ever got the chance there would be the mother of all beat downs before dragging Oz back to the family to talk everything out.

Part of him misses being ‘good’ and being worshiped as some sort of deity that could do no wrong but he wouldn’t trade away his new family for anything, even going back to being beloved.

Lastly he thinks that the Coven is lacking due to not having someone for the role of Grace and thinks that they should totally let Dahlia join, mostly because he thinks it’d torment The Goddess to no end to have someone so much like him around her little coven.

His form has a lot more of the details missing from his sibling's, his body looking like an angel that was burned/has cracks with fire under the surface, with black charred wings. His face has all of the normal details and is the only part where there isn’t seemly fire under the surface as he has light gold eyes. Clothes wise he either wears light armor or for more causal events a simple biker jacket, rippd jeans and tshirt that says “I was casted from the heavens and all I got was this t-shirt”

Despair - Pandora/Dora

Dora is the youngest of the siblings, born from the first wars between humans but trapped as basically a child until the human Pandora freed her during Greek times, she was always the more soft hearted of the family and hated how all of her powers could do was rub salt into the wounds.

She took the name Pandora out of sympathy for the human that freed her upon the world and was the first of the siblings to actually pick a name. For a long time no one actually called her by this name but once ‘Dread’ (aka Oz) started to see the errors of their family’s ways they started calling her by Dora. In modern times the rest of the siblings do so since they modernized and don’t wanna be total hypocrites.

Within cults she is simply known as “The Lady Of Tears” though she isn’t really worshiped outside of the whole family’s worship since she’s never been known to bless or smite anyone.

In the present day she mostly spends her time within a pocket demission writing cursed fanfics and plain old fashioned cursed books which cause the readers to have ‘feels’™ forever. When she’s dragged out of hiding it’s normally because one of her older siblings either have an enemy they want to be miserable or want to vent to her.

Powers wise Dora is able to read what has made people give into despair in the past and would push them into it at that moment, she can also force people to feel others despair or even her own. When she forces someone to feel her despair it’s been known to drive anyone less than a fellow god to madness and even turn people into things like banshees upon their deaths.

Her form takes the appetence of a young woman made totally of water, if someone were to ask or test said ‘water’ they’d actually find that she is made of tears. Like Oz she has no mouth though her eyes are a lot more defined though she always seems to be on the edge of crying. She wears a simple white dress with a gold pin keeping up it’s one sleeve which looks like the box she was so long ago locked in. If she had to dress for the modern day she’d just wear a plain white sundress.

#😱 {In The Shadows Of Your Mind} {Headcanons or Meta}

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talabib · 1 year

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How To Master The Mindset Of Wealth

Do you sometimes wish you had more money? Of course you do! Who doesn’t? Even so, most of us harbor negative emotions about money and the people who make it. All this negativity is keeping you from realizing your economic potential. That’s a shame because, as you’ll see in this post, you have the power to change your situation.

All you need to do is get into the right mind-set and overcome the notions that are holding you back. Let’s get to work on making you a badass at making money!

Many of us have a conflicted relationship with money that keeps us from reaching our potential.

Money is a complicated subject. Some people love and obsess over it while others have come to despise the stuff. And while there are those who desire money, there are also those who feel ashamed over having so much of it.

Our culture has many negative beliefs about money, like it being the reason people turn into greedy and selfish monsters. But this is a myth.

Making money is what allows people to break free from financial constraints and use their time and energy for the things they care about. This is how philanthropists and activists are able to start charities and spread the word about important issues.

Often, our attitude to wealth will fluctuate between good and bad.

If you visit a friend who has an impressive widescreen TV, you might feel the desire to buy a similar TV. But then you might see a person you don’t like bragging about owning the exact same TV. In an instant, you feel disgusted with yourself for ever wanting such a pointless luxury item.

Another misguided belief about money is that if one person gets rich, it means someone else stays poor.

This idea stems from what’s known as a lack mind-set, which leads us to believe that there just aren’t enough dollars or resources to go around.

But think of it this way: If you eat a sandwich, do you think someone in another country is having their sandwich taken away?

No, the real scenario is that you eat your lunch to have the energy to work and create opportunities for others to do their job, thereby making it possible for them to afford their own sandwiches.

Money isn’t inherently evil; it’s simply an effective way of conducting business.

On its own, money isn’t good or bad – it’s a blank slate. It’s up to us to decide how money will be put to use – for good or evil.

Certainly, there weren’t any evil intentions when the concept of money was invented back in ancient times. People just wanted a better way of doing business than bartering, which had become a royal pain in the ass.

Back in the day, if you wanted a nice fur coat, you might have to build a stone wall. Or a nobleman could be asked to trade his daughters in exchange for a seaside castle.

Negotiations like these could take a lot of time and involve a lot of yelling; whereas with currency, if you wanted a camel, all you had to do was open up your change purse and pay for it.

So rather than being evil, it’s more accurate to recognize money as an efficient way to get things done.

Think of it this way: Are all cars evil because some people are filled with road rage and scream obscenities when they get behind the wheel? Are all computers inherently evil because some people use them to commit crimes?

It’s true that people around the world have done horrible things for money, but the blame should be placed with the individual perpetrators of these acts and not with the cash.

Here’s an exercise to help you disassociate money from evil, greedy characteristics.

Since these negative qualities are usually reserved for people, try writing two “Dear Money” letters, as if you were addressing a person – one that explains your negative feelings and one that explains at least a few positive feelings.

Once you’ve finished, read the letters out loud. At this point, you’ll realize that your negative feelings don’t hold up to logic, while the positive things all make sense.

To continue nurturing a positive attitude toward money, express your gratitude when you get paid and treat these occasions as the blessings they are.

You can improve your situation by putting out positivity to encourage solutions to emerge.

Even though we’re taught to accept the things we see and hear as reality, the truth is far more complex.

Since our five senses are being processed by our brain, we’re creating an illusion – our own unique universe in which we constantly live. So it’s important that our brains are processing things in a positive way and creating a prosperous universe.

At any given moment, we can interpret things as being either good or bad, and it’s easy to only view things negatively and get stuck in a bleak worldview.

So you might think to yourself, “I’ll never be able to afford a vacation, so why even bother trying to save up money. Screw it, let’s just waste it on junk food, at least that’ll make me happy for a little while.”

This kind of thinking can last a lifetime. Alternatively, you can start putting positive thoughts into your universe and experience opportunity and good fortune.

People who accomplish great things, like ascending a mountain in a wheelchair or escaping poverty, don’t do so by thinking negative thoughts. They change their situation by putting out positivity and grabbing opportunities when they happen.

Money can bring either positive or negative energy into your life, so learn to control it.

When you exchange money with someone, it’s not just a physical transaction; you’re also putting either good or bad energy into the universe.

That’s why it’s important to make the right kinds of transactions to bring good fortune back your way.

For example, if you made $50 raking up leaves on your neighbor’s lawn, this puts out different energy than stealing $50 out of someone’s pocket on a crowded subway train. Naturally, offering a helpful service is positive, while stealing is negative.

If you’re an employer, you’re also putting out energy when you pay your workers. So, if you’re ripping people off and underpaying them, you’re giving out bad energy and creating a negative relationship. But if you’re being honest and paying your employees the right amount, the relationship and energy will be positive.

You should always be aware of the kind of energy being created in these money situations and strive to keep all your dealings positive. You should also think of how you can channel this energy so it can continue to generate more good in the world.

For this to happen, you shouldn’t focus your energy on one single thing, but rather be open to all good possibilities.

By focusing on just one person or possibility, you’re blinding yourself to the infinite number of other opportunities that await and can provide more positive money.

It’s a lot like finding the man of your dreams. If you’re focusing all your attention on one guy, your happiness is therefore completely under his control, whether or not he decides to return your feelings. So instead, focus on recognizing the qualities of the person you’re looking for, and you’ll soon find there’s more than one guy out there who can bring you the positive love you’re looking for.

There are ways to break free from your fears and worries about making money.

If you’re feeling like your anti-money beliefs are still too deep-seated to shake, here are some more ways you can break free.

One of the best ways to start thinking differently is to dive right in and take a bold move toward making your dreams come true.

Once you leap into the great unknown, there are bound to be lingering doubts and worries. But instead of ignoring them or letting fear take over, write them down as a way to acknowledge their power and move on.

Any subconscious worries can be altered to create a new narrative for your success story.

You don’t necessarily have to pay for a therapist to change the narrative in your head. In fact, it’s best when you can prove to yourself that you have the power to think positively and control your own destiny.

Create specific financial goals to help increase your chances of monetary success.

Generally speaking, people don’t become rich unless they want to. So naturally, it’s important to tap into your desire for money if you want to start banking the Benjamins.

The key to unlocking that desire is to get specific about why you want money and how much of it you need. Then you can set solid goals for yourself.

A famous example of how well this can work comes from the actor Jim Carrey, who wrote a $10 million check to himself when he was broke and desperate for a job. Carrey dated the check three years in the future, and sure enough, this act sparked his motivation and his career.

By the time the date on the check arrived, he’d landed his biggest role yet in the movie Dumb and Dumber, which earned him enough money to cash that check.

A goal like this is effective because it’s specific. When you’re precise about the goal and how meaningful it is to you, it increases the likelihood of the goal becoming a reality.

Think of it as placing an order with the universe. Now, you wouldn’t place an order at a sandwich shop by saying, “One sandwich, please.” You have to tell them what kind of bread, whether you want mayo or mustard, and so on. This way, you’ll get what you want – and the same goes for getting what you want out of life.

Being specific also provides a great boost for your determination. A sandwich is great, but a sandwich with all your favorite ingredients in just the right proportions is what gets your mouth watering.

But being specific doesn’t mean limiting yourself. Remember to stay open to the surprises the universe has to offer. This concept is known as surrendering to universal intelligence.

Let’s say you’re a writer and you’ve set a goal for the month to find ten new publications that you’ve never sent samples to before. This is great, as long as it doesn’t blind you to what your old contacts may have to offer.

The world is full of opportunities and a true badass doesn’t let them slip by.

Many people have negative associations with money that keep them from their full earning potential. By adopting a positive outlook on life and opening yourself up to the universe, you’ll find that good things can happen, and wealth can be part of a harmonious, happy life. The universe wants to provide you with money, so take control and become a badass at making bank!

Action Plan: Create a positive environment for yourself.

If you decide to transform your financial reality, make sure you avoid all the naysayers and doubters and surround yourself with people who believe in your potential to realize your dreams. You should also spend time in places and doing activities that form your ideal life. If there’s a car you hope to buy in the future, take it for a test drive. If there’s a neighborhood you want to move to, spend time in its cafe’s and parks. Being in these environments is a great way to help keep you inspired and motivated.

#How To Master The Mindset Of Wealth

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david-talks-sw · 2 years

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About Luke, the Jedi and “attachment”...

So The Book of Boba Fett - Episode 6 came out and it was *muah* chef’s kiss.

But a lot of viewers seem to be disappointed with how Luke Skywalker is training Grogu. In the episode, he (and Ahsoka) both seem to adhere to the notion that a Jedi shouldn’t have attachments, like the Prequel Jedi did.

Why would he do such a thing? Aren’t the Jedi teachings what made Anakin fall in the first place? Well, the thing is... there’s nothing wrong with the Prequel Jedi’s teachings.

Luke training Grogu the same way the Prequel Jedi did is really not that surprising.

Bit of a long answer, but I put lots of pictures and GIFs to make it enjoyable :)

*ahem*

1. Lucas says the Jedi teachings aren’t the problem.

[Lucas quotes about Jedi teachings & attachment can be found on this post]

First off, the notion that “the strict Jedi teachings are ‘wrong’ and the Jedi failed Anakin” and that’s what the Prequels are all about is purely fanon.

Cuz that’s sure as hell not what George Lucas says they’re about... no, what he says the Prequels are about is:

How a democracy becomes an Empire (aka, Palpatine’s rise).

How a good man becomes evil (aka, Anakin’s fall).

[Quotes on what the Prequels are about can be found on this other post]

Secondly: the Jedi rules are, indeed, strict… but that’s not a bad thing.

Because while anyone can be a Jedi, being a Jedi is not for everyone. Fact is, being a Jedi is a hard thing to do.

It’s all about selflessly serving others, saving lives the best way you can and doing your duty.

It’s not a hobby, it’s a whole way of life. So you can’t be a “part-time” Jedi… if you wanna be one, you need to commit to the Jedi path.

So the Jedi rule of forgoing attachment doesn’t mean forgoing relationships or emotions. A Jedi can love, a Jedi can have friends.

Examples: We see Obi-Wan has friends like Dexxter Jettster, Jedi Knights Tiplee and Tiplar are sisters and nobody gives them shit, and Yoda obviously knows of Anakin & Padmé but doesn’t criticize Anakin for it.

But seeing as being a Jedi is about duty and greater good over your own selfish desires… if the time comes where you need to choose between saving 1,000 people in a burning building and your best buddy… you gotta do your duty and prioritize the 1,000 people.

That’s what that “no attachment” means. Duty over personal attachments.

It’s not about depriving yourself of relationships, it’s about being able to let go when the time comes.

And Grogu & Din Djarin’s relationship is a tight one, right?

If there’s a burning building, Grogu will likely prioritize saving Din, because he loves him. And viceversa. Which is a very normal reaction (because they’re basically father and son), and it wouldn’t - at all - make Grogu a bad person…

… but it would make him a bad Jedi (which could lead to him falling to the Dark Side, like Anakin).

And that’s why Luke is making him choose. The Jedi path is a very difficult one and while Grogu’s already been initiated… his heart isn’t in it. He misses Din.

And if Grogu continues the training, by the time he’s done with it, Din may already be long dead because they age differently.

2. Luke and the Jedi Order.

So after this episode of Book of Boba Fett came out, there’s this outcry of fans on Twitter saying two things:

‘Luke would never teach the “non-attachment” rule because it’s his attachment for Vader that allowed to change his father.’

‘The fact that he is teaching it is like the old Prequel Jedi would is indicative of his inevitable failure, in TLJ.’

Both statements also do not align with Lucas’ vision.

First off, it doesn’t help that Luke from the Legends continuity is okay with attachment and even gets married (which George Lucas never liked).

But also… it’s not Luke’s attachment for his father that allowed him to turn Vader back to the Light Side. It’s his love. A very selfless form of love: compassion.

Luke is furious at Vader, for taking his hand, killing his friends, threatening Leia. But despite that rage, he makes the hard choice… and rejects it. And in doing so, he turns his back on the Dark Side, the easy path.

He lets go of his anger for Vader and chooses his love for Anakin.

Which inspires Anakin to do the same.

Lucas makes it very clear that there is a very big difference between selfish love (attachment) and selfless love (compassion). A Jedi lives off of the latter.

A Jedi can and should love selflessly. And that’s what Luke does.

So the notion that somehow, “Luke rose beyond the dogmatic teachings of the Jedi and found a middle path” is so inaccurate it hurts. I mean, I already talked about it in this post, but let’s look at the facts:

He faces Vader while ready physically and mentally, instead of letting his emotions rule him and rushing into danger. AKA, practicality over heroism.

He sacrifices himself and lets Vader capture him, so that Leia and the others can carry out the mission.

He tries to talk to Vader, get him to see reason.

Rather than murdering him in a fit of rage, Luke lets go of his anger and stays true to the Jedi way.

That’s all standard Jedi stuff.

Like, look at how Lucas describes what a Jedi normally does (left), versus what Luke does (right):

See what I mean? There’s pretty much no difference.

Luke isn’t “better than” or “rejecting the rules” of the Jedi who came before him. He’s following the Jedi path.

Which brings us to Luke in TLJ.

In TLJ, Luke says that following the Jedi path is a mistake, and that the Jedi teachings lead to failure.

I think a lot of people forget that… well… Luke is wrong, in TLJ. As Rian Johnson puts it:

Bottom line, Luke fucked up. Right here:

He saw a horrible vision of the future and considered killing his nephew. So points to him for not going on a rampage, like he did with Vader in ROTJ… but still. Big mistake.

And his reaction to this mistake is blaming it on the Jedi teachings and the Jedi path… when it’s his own personal failure.

He’s saying “I failed because I’m a Jedi Master, and as long as there are Jedi you’ll always have Sith so I’m taking myself outta the equation” and bla bla bla, when, actually, he messed up because he’s human and even the wisest humans are flawed and make mistakes.

Luke’s arc in TLJ is understanding that he failed…

… and learning from his failure.

Which is why he acknowledges that the Jedi teachings had nothing to do it with it and the Jedi should not die out.

So Luke in Episode 6 of Book of Boba Fett is VERY consistent with both Lucas’ view of the Jedi’s teachings and Luke’s character.

#long post #Luke Skywalker #meta #the book of boba fett #the book of boba fett spoilers #tbobf spoilers #tbobf 1x06 #Jedi Order #in defense of the jedi #attachment #yoda #grogu #anakin skywalker #sw meta

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comradekatara · 3 years

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the gaang + how well they would do on the infinity train?

this is suuuper hard because there are so many factors to take into consideration. first is obviously the train itself. the train's function in a metanarrative sense is to serve as a vehicle for storytelling, dissecting & deconstructing the process of a narrative and how a character's arc is propelled by their circumstances. the train supposedly functions to improve its passengers, and yet we also know that The Train is a deeply flawed mechanism that can corrupt and further traumatize its passengers just as much as it can "fix" them. when the train invites you in with the single-minded goal of getting your number to zero, assuming you ever disembark, you're probably gonna be left with even more trauma than when you arrived, or at the very least, weirder trauma.

grace wanted to be seen, but instead of learning to value herself for her own intrinsic worth instead of relying on validation from those around her, she was enabled by that validation and literally started a cult. likewise, since jet is basically a less heinous version of simon, i see him taking a similar path to the apex (though he would of course name them the freedom fighters) trying to overthrow the tyrannical one-one and reinstate the True Conductor. he would think his path is righteous. he would think he is protecting those kids from evil. who knows what would happen once he learns the truth.

then there is the matter of what the train wants from you. the train arrives at a pivotal moment in one's life, when they are at an emotional crossroads and need a catalyst for growth. for example, jesse's problem was relatively small (because he is perfect) but hurting his brother caused him emotional turmoil nonetheless, so the train stepped in. this means that to answer this question properly, i would have to answer not only when the train arrives for them, but why, and seeing that every single atla character carries massive amounts of baggage (most of it flavors of trauma that infinity train has not addressed), this proves extremely difficult. i have to identify the most narratively satisfying moment in each character's lives to have the train arrive, and then i have to make assumptions about which cars would propel them which way (emotionally). you're asking me to outline nine different fanfictions.

only jet's character feels similar enough to any of the characters we've seen in infinity train for me to even have an inkling as to what path he would take. while sokka and tulip are quite similar as people (rational, scientific yet creative thinkers who over-rely on logic over feeling, are deeply loyal, and instinctually blame themselves for the problems caused by others), their character arcs themselves have little in common. both aang and hazel experience a tragic loss of pure, childhood innocence (which is why i cry over both of them every day), but in relatively dissimilar ways (at least appa gets to return to aang). min-gi and zuko are both pressured by their upbringings to conform to a standard that makes them miserable to please their parents, only to ultimately embrace their own passion & truth... but not only do those arcs play out completely differently, zuko and min-gi are completely different people, and if anything, zuko's approach to life is far more like ryan's (ie, jumping off a cliff and hoping he lands on his feet).

but what i think you're really asking, at the end of the day, is how emotionally mature, self-aware, and capable of positive growth is each atla character? because how am i supposed to know what the train would do to their psyches, considering each external situation would shape them differently, and unless i'm supposed to meticulously craft fanfiction for each one of them (which i wouldn't be opposed to doing, but only for one character, i simply cannot do all nine – also, i'm surprised infinity train AUs aren't more common, but then again i'm not particularly familiar with fanficition, so maybe it is!), it would only be an approximation, in which i identify their core problem (which again, is not how real people work, or even how atla characters work, but how The Train works) and then analyze how long it would take for each of them to solve said problem.

so, that was a very long-winded preface. without further ado:

aang's main problem is that he keeps running away from his problems, which is to say, distracting himself from the enormity of his grief. personally, i would say his coping mechanism isn't the worst. after all, he experiences so much world-shattering pain in such a short span of time, and he does deserve to preserve his childhood and his innocence for as long as possible. but, for the purposes of the narrative, the train must necessarily disagree. he must confront his grief head-on, without distracting himself from it or flying into a destructive rage that he'd only regret later. it also depends on who his companions are. with katara by his side, he can get through anything (and vice versa), but it's unclear who will be there to guide him through his pain. that said, i know he'd make it through okay. he's aang. he has to.

katara lives in a fairytale. like i said with aang, that's not really a bad thing. she's a great kid with big dreams and a big heart. she wants to save the world, and – guess what! – she does. but living in a storybook strips one's worldview of the nuances of life, not simply the harsh realities of the world, but also the full extent of one's personhood, outside of simply the black and white worldview of heroes and villains. katara's apotheosis is when she confronts yon rha, looks him in the eyes, and sees a human being staring back at her, another human being. she is no longer in a revenge tale. she is out of stories to tell herself. (life doesn't make narrative sense.) ironically, the train is a metaphor for storytelling, so katara coming to realize that she isn't in a story would both be confusingly meta and also fucking brilliant (if i do say so, personally). i don't know how exactly it would play out, but by god i would pay to see it.

in many ways, sokka is remarkably open-minded, and in many ways, sokka is extremely stubborn. i think he'd come to terms with his own emotional growth (which would be rooted in learning his own self-worth) faster than he'd come to terms with the train itself. "okay, fine, yeah, i deserve love regardless of what i can do for other people, but WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE?!?!?" his journey through the train is actually everyone else's dream experience on the train. passengers and denizens alike keep falling in love with him (or at the very least, admiring him more than they've ever admired anyone they've ever met), but he doesn't even notice because he's too busy being extremely suspicious of everything he comes into contact with. yes, he'll solve your problems and puzzles and help people and make meaningful connections and eventually he might start to realize that he is worth something even when he's alone, even (especially) when he's being unconventional or "weird" or "selfish." but even once he does get his door, does he walk through it? oh no, he takes it apart and tries to figure out how it just created a fucking portal. so while he would technically "do" quite well, he is never leaving that fucking train. rip sokka.

well, toph needs to learn to accept and embrace her own vulnerability. she definitely goes through that same crystal karaoke car tulip did. that, or the train just tortures her by putting her in increasingly more painful situations in which she must ask for help. but that's too awful to even think about, so i'm just gonna say she has to sing karaoke.

zuko needs to learn to trust his instincts and his own internal moral compass instead of the external pressures being forced upon him by his Father (capital F to emphasize that his nation & his father – aka the patriarchy – are one & the same for him, lmao). and he would fail. a lot. but eventually he would realize that his number goes down when he lets himself be himself, and he would leave the train happy. he probably also gets a bunch of cute little talking animal companions to guide him through. he deserves it.

the train appears to suki while she's having a breakdown in solitary confinement at the boiling rock. she finds healthy ways to cope with being put through hell while on the train, and by the time she gets off, she's being let out of solitary. it is a very rewarding experience, and one that she can swear wasn't just some hallucination. she's constantly telling herself yes, of course it was just a hallucination.... but still... it felt so real....

if i had to diagnose azula with one singular problem that plagues her at the core of her very being, it would have to be her fear of rejection. but it's not good enough to just keep having train cars reject azula, she has to accept that rejection, instead of just intimidating people into submission after the fact. she needs to understand why she is being rejected, and be fine with it, and learn from it, instead of letting her lack of universal perfection in every area anyone could ever excel in shake her to her very core. when ty lee proved that she secured the affections of dumb stupid boys better than azula ever could, she did an arson to cope (which of course is still very valid of her uwu). azula needs to learn to come in second place, third place, even last place, and shrug it off, think to herself, "hopefully i'll do better next time, and if not, that's okay also," and once that happens, everything else will fall into place. though maybe she could read bell hooks or smth at some point on the train cuz i think that could help too.

mai needs to stop being so goddamn depressed all the time. has she tried lexapro, or perhaps using a lightbox in winter? her favorite coping mechanism, knives, only helps her feel something some of the time, but most (if not all) of the time she's still being expected to play a part. has she tried, like, being herself? i heard from zuko (you know, the guy? from the train?) that "being yourself" works wonders. so the train gives her that opportunity. and she actually even enjoys herself for once in her miserable fucking life.

omg there must've been some sort of mistake ty lee was totally sent here by accident because she's actually super happy all the time and doesn't have any problems!!!!!!!! jk, can u even imagine? ty lee hates her life too, she just doesn't go around advertising it like mai does with her big dyke boots and depressing eyeliner. but apparently she also needs to learn how to "be herself," whatever that means. as if life isn't a constant performance, you know, like jacques said or whatever. she sees mai on the train. she rolls her big beautiful brown eyes. "oh god, not you too."

#obeetlebeetle #fuck this took me over an hour to write #asks #the gaang and #analysis #AUs #synthesis #mailee infinity train au when.....#sokka is the only one who dies on the train. unfortunate. aunt wu was right once again.#god this question was hard #so many factors to consider #i want the mailee season tho #and i want it NOW!

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faeobsessed-cauldronblessed · 2 years

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Why Tamlin Is One of the Most Hated ACOTAR Characters: A Rant

I've been thinking about this a lot. I see a majority of people dislike Tamlin, however, there seems to be a new legion or pro-Tams emerging. Especially post ACOSF, it seems people's disappointment in Rhys has somehow made their lense shift on Tamlin. I wanna share my thoughts, and I want to be clear about something: I do not care if you think Rhys does the exact type of shit. I disagree for one but even assuming he did, that does not make anything Tamlin did less bad or good.

"Tamlin Wasn't That Bad"

This is something I see a lot. People will point out how much he loved Feyre and how he helped her family financially. They point out only his good behavior, and then say "all he did was lock her in a house."

Let's consider this just momentarily as fact. "All he did" was lock her up, taking away her agency, after she had just been locked up in a cell for months in order to save Tam and the rest of Prythian. Those of you who are fortunate enough to not experience PTSD symptoms may not see what he big as a huge deal. But what he did essentially put Feyre right back in that cell under the mountain. This is supposed to be her lover, her partner. And he treated her like a treasured object not to be stolen, not a person with desires and needs.

Also.

That is far from all he did.

I think some of you forgave him literally exploding a room at her just because she was quick enough to put up a shield of defense. Just because he didn't hit the target of his rage doesn't mean it wasn't abusive.

He also never gave her any opportunity to prove her strength. He complete underestimated her and essentially didn't trust her. There is no real partnership if there is no foundation of trust.

So no. Tamlin did a lot more than "just" locking her up.

"Tamlin Redeemed Himself in ACOWAR"

I mean, sure, to an extent. He also humiliated her in the High Lords meeting, and is still too stupid to see Ianthe for what she is. But yes, he did help her escape Hybern's camp versus let her get brutally killed. And he did help bring Rhys back. These are baby steps toward Redemption. Not true redemption yet.

"He had a terrible life! And no friends to help like Rhys did! And a bad family except his mother!"

Literally all of this applies to Lucien as well. Next.

"He and Elain should be together!"

Glossing over the fact that it's her sister's ex (🤮), why are y'all so fond of reducing Elain to nothing more than flowers? Flowers don't just belong in spring, and I hate reducing a character down to one thing about them. This is a gross take, period.

"He deserves redemption!"

I agree but ONLY IF he genuinely looks inward and tries healing, not just covering his emotions with a beast form and feral anger. I don't think he is the most evil character in this Fandom and I would enjoy seeing him realizing his mistakes and working hard to be better. I think that would be beautiful. But right now? He still needs to work through his shit before any chance of genuine redemption. Also with that said I don't want his redemption to be death! I want him to face his issues.

"Why does he get so much hate?! Amarantha, King of Hybern, Koschei, etc are so much worse!"

I think we're all intelligent enough to realize Tamlin is not driven by pure evil like some of the other villains in this series. He's driven by selfishness and self entitlement and control. So why is he so hated? Because many people, myself included, have experienced a Tamlin in our lives. He is the most realistical "bad guy" I've ever read because you don't see 🚩🚩🚩at first, and by the time you do, he's locking people up and nothing like the fiddle playing Fabio we liked in book one.

So, in conclusion:

Fuck Tamlin. (For now.)

#acotar #sarah j maas #a court of silver flames #acosf #a court of mist and fury #a court of bongs and fangirling #feyre archeron #a court of thorns and roses #tamlin #feylin #feysand #acotar rant #azriel

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iamshwee · 3 years

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SHADOW WORK: The Ultimate Guide

I. Why Focusing Only on the Light is a Form of Escapism

For most of my life, I’ve grown up firmly believing that the only thing worthy of guiding me was “light” and “love.” Whether through the family environment I was raised in, or the cultural myths I was brought up clinging to, I once believed that all you really needed to do in life to be happy was to focus on everything beautiful, positive and spiritually “righteous.” I’m sure you were raised believing a similar story as well. It’s a sort of “Recipe for Well-Being.”

But a few years ago, after battling ongoing mental health issues, I realized something shocking:

I was wrong.

Not just wrong, but completely and utterly off the mark. Focusing only on “love and light” will not heal your wounds on a deep level. In fact, I’ve learned through a lot of heavy inner work, that not only is focusing solely on “holiness” in life one side of the equation, but it is actually a form of spiritually bypassing your deeper, darker problems that, let me assure you, almost definitely exist.

It is very easy and comfortable to focus only on the light side of life. So many people in today’s world follow this path. And while it might provide some temporary emotional support, it doesn’t reach to the depths of your being: it doesn’t transform you at a core level. Instead, it leaves you superficially hanging onto warm and fuzzy platitudes which sound nice, but don’t enact any real change.

What DOES touch the very depths of your being, however, is exploring your Shadow.

II. What is the Human Shadow?

In short, the human shadow is our dark side; our lost and forgotten disowned self.

Your shadow is the place within you that contains all of your secrets, repressed feelings, primitive impulses, and parts deemed “unacceptable,” shameful, “sinful” or even “evil.”

This dark place lurking within your unconscious mind also contains suppressed and rejected emotions such as rage, jealousy, hatred, greed, deceitfulness, and selfishness.

So where did the Shadow Self idea originate? The concept was originally coined and explored by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, Carl Jung. In Jung’s own words:

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”

When the human Shadow is shunned, it tends to undermine and sabotage our lives. Addictions, low self-esteem, mental illness, chronic illnesses, and various neuroses are all attributed to the Shadow Self. When our Shadows are suppressed or repressed in the unconscious long enough, they can even overtake our entire lives and causes psychosis or extreme forms of behavior like cheating on one’s partner or physically harming others. Intoxicants such as alcohol and drugs also have a tendency to unleash the Shadow.

Thankfully, there is a way to explore the Shadow and prevent it from devouring our existence, and that is called Shadow Work.

III. What is Shadow Work?

Shadow work is the process of exploring your inner darkness or “Shadow Self.” As mentioned previously, your Shadow Self is part of your unconscious mind and contains everything you feel ashamed of thinking and feeling, as well as every impulse, repressed idea, desire, fear, and perversion that for one reason or another, you have “locked away” consciously or unconsciously. Often this is done as a way of keeping yourself tame, likable, and “civilized” in the eyes of others.

Shadow work is the attempt to uncover everything that we have hidden and every part of us that has been disowned and rejected within our Shadow Selves.

Why? Because without revealing to ourselves what we have hidden, we remain burdened with problems such as anger, guilt, shame, disgust, and grief.

All throughout the history of mankind Shadow Work has played a powerful yet mysterious and occult role in helping us discover what is causing us mental illness, physical dis-ease and even insanity resulting in crimes of all kinds.

Traditionally, Shadow Work fell in the realm of the Shamans, or medicine people, as well as the priests and priestesses of the archaic periods of history. These days, Shadow Work falls more commonly in the realms of psychotherapy, with psychologists, psychiatrists, spiritual guides, and therapists.

IV. Do We All Have a Shadow Self?

Yes, we ALL have a Shadow Self.

As uncomfortable as it may sound, there is a dark side within every human being. Why is this the case? The reason why all human beings have a shadow is due to the way we were raised as human beings, often referred to as our ‘conditioning.’

“But I’m a good person! I don’t have a ‘shadow’ side,” you might be thinking. Well, the reality is that yes, you might be a good person. In fact, you might be the most generous, loving, and selfless person in the entire world. You might feed the hungry, save puppies, and donate half of your salary to the poor. But that doesn’t exclude you from having a Shadow.

There are no exceptions here.

The nature of being human is to possess both a light and a dark side, and we need to embrace that.

Sometimes, when people hear that they have a Shadow side (or when it is pointed out), there is a lot of denial. We have been taught to perceive ourselves in a very two-dimensional and limited way. We have been taught that only criminals, murderers, and thieves have a Shadow side.

This black and white thinking is one of the major causes of our suffering.

If the thought of having a Shadow side disturbs you, take a moment to consider whether you have developed an idealized self.

Signs of an idealized self include attitudes such as:

· “I’m not like those people, I’m better.”

· “I have never strayed.”

· “God is proud of me.”

· “Criminals and wrongdoers aren’t human.”

· “Everyone sees how good I am (even so, I have to remind them).”

· “I’m a role model.”

· “I should be validated and applauded for my good deeds.”

· “I don’t have bad thoughts, so why do others?”

Such perceptions about oneself are unrealistic, unhealthy, and largely delusional. The only way to find inner peace, happiness, authentic love, self-fulfillment, and Illumination is to explore our Shadow.

V. How is Our Shadow Side Formed?

Your Shadow side is formed in childhood and is both (a) a product of natural ego development, and (b) a product of conditioning or socialization. Socialization is the process of learning to behave in a way that is acceptable to society.

When we are born, we are are all full of potential, with the ability to survive and develop in a variety of ways. As time goes on, we learn more and more to become a certain type of person. Slowly, due to our circumstances and preferences, we begin to adopt certain character traits and reject others. For example, if we are born into a family that shows little interpersonal warmth, we will develop personality traits that make us self-sufficient and perhaps standoffish or mind-oriented. If we are born into a family that rewards compliance and shuns rebellion, we will learn that being submissive works, and thus adopt that as part of our ego structure.

As authors and Jungian therapists, Steve Price and David Haynes write:

“But, as we develop our ego-personality, we also do something else at the same time. What has happened to all those parts of our original potential that we didn’t develop? They won’t just cease to exist: they will still be there, as potential or as partly developed, then rejected, personality attributes, and they will live on in the unconscious as an alternative to the waking ego. So, by the very act of creating a specifically delineated ego-personality, we have also created its opposite in the unconscious. This is the shadow. Everyone has one.”

As we can see, developing the Shadow Self is a natural part of development.

But you also formed an alter ego due to social conditioning, i.e. your parents, family members, teachers, friends, and society at large all contributed to your Shadow.

How?

Well here’s the thing: polite society operates under certain rules. In other words, certain behaviors and characteristics are approved of, while others are shunned. Take anger for example. Anger is an emotion that is commonly punished while growing up. Throwing tantrums, swearing, and destroying things was frowned upon by our parents and teachers. Therefore, many of us learned that expressing anger was not “OK.” Instead of being taught healthy ways to express our anger, we were punished sometimes physically (with smacks or being grounded), and often emotionally (withdrawal of love and affection).

There are countless behaviors, emotions, and beliefs that are rejected in society, and thus, are rejected by ourselves. In order to fit in, be accepted, approved, and loved, we learned to act a certain way. We adopted a role that would ensure our mental, emotional, and physical survival. But at the same time, wearing a mask has consequences. What happened to all the authentic, wild, socially taboo, or challenging parts of ourselves? They were trapped in the Shadow.

What happens as we grow up?

Through time, we learn to both enjoy, and despise, our socially-approved egos because, on the one hand, they make us feel good and “lovable,” but on the other hand, they feel phony and inhibited.

Therapist Steve Wolf has a perfect analogy that describes this process:

“Each of us is like Dorian Gray. We seek to present a beautiful, innocent face to the world; a kind, courteous demeanor; a youthful, intelligent image. And so, unknowingly but inevitably, we push away those qualities that do not fit the image, that does not enhance our self-esteem and make us stand proud but, instead, bring us shame and make us feel small. We shove into the dark cavern of the unconscious those feelings that make us uneasy — hatred, rage, jealousy, greed, competition, lust, shame — and those behaviors that are deemed wrong by the culture — addiction, laziness, aggression, dependency — thereby creating what could be called shadow content. Like Dorian’s painting, these qualities ultimately take on a life of their own, forming an invisible twin that lives just behind our life, or just beside it …”

But while the Shadow Self may be portrayed as our “evil twin,” it is not entirely full of “bad” stuff. There is actually gold to be found within the Shadow.

VI. What is the Golden Shadow?

Jung once states that “the shadow is ninety percent pure gold.” What this means is that there are many beautiful gifts offered to us by our Shadow side if we take the time to look. For example, so much of our creative potential is submerged within our darkness because we were taught when little to reject it.

Not everything within our Shadow is doom and gloom. In fact, the Shadow contains some of our most powerful gifts and talents, such as our artistic, sexual, competitive, innovative, and even intuitive aptitudes.

The ‘Golden Shadow’ also presents us with the opportunity for tremendous psychological and spiritual growth. By doing Shadow Work, we learn that every single emotion and wound that we possess has a gift to share with us. Even the most obnoxious, “ugly,” or shameful parts of ourselves provide a path back to Oneness. Such is the power of the Shadow – it is both a terrifying journey, but is ultimately a path to Enlightenment or Illumination. Every spiritual path needs Shadow Work to prevent the issues from happening that we’ll explore next.

VII. What Happens When You Reject Your Shadow?

When shadow-work is neglected, the soul feels dry, brittle, like an empty vessel. — S. Wolf

Rejecting, suppressing, denying, or disowning your Shadow, whether consciously or unconsciously, is a dangerous thing. The thing about the Shadow Self is that it seeks to be known. It yearns to be understood, explored, and integrated. It craves to be held in awareness. The longer the Shadow stays buried and locked in its jail cell deep within the unconscious, the more it will find opportunities to make you aware of its existence.

Both religion and modern spirituality tend to focus on the “love and light” aspects of spiritual growth to their own doom.

This over-emphasis on the fluffy, transcendental, and feel-good elements of a spiritual awakening results in shallowness and phobia of whatever is too real, earthy, or dark.

Spiritually bypassing one’s inner darkness results in a whole range of serious issues. Some of the most common and reoccurring Shadow issues that appear in the spiritual/religious community include pedophilia among priests, financial manipulation of followers among gurus, and of course, megalomania, narcissism, and God complexes among spiritual teachers.

Other issues that arise when we reject our Shadow side can include:

· Hypocrisy (believing and supporting one thing, but doing the other)

· Lies and self-deceit (both towards oneself and others)

· Uncontrollable bursts of rage/anger

· Emotional and mental manipulation of others

· Greed and addictions

· Phobias and obsessive compulsions

· Racist, sexist, homophobic, and other offensive behavior

· Intense anxiety

· Chronic psychosomatic illness

· Depression (which can turn into suicidal tendencies)

· Sexual perversion

· Narcissistically inflated ego

· Chaotic relationships with others

· Self-loathing

· Self-absorption

· Self-sabotage

… and many others. This is by no means a comprehensive list (and there are likely many other issues out there). As we’ll learn next, one of the greatest ways we reject our Shadow is through psychological projection.

VIII. The Shadow and Projection (a Dangerous Mix)

One of the biggest forms of Shadow rejection is something called projection.

Projection is a term that refers to seeing things in others that are actually within ourselves.

When we pair projection and the Shadow Self together, we have a dangerous mix. Why? Because as psychotherapist Robert A. Johnson writes:

“We generally seek to punish that which reminds us most uncomfortable about the part of ourselves that we have not come to terms with, and we often ‘see’ these disowned qualities in the world around us.”

There are many different ways we ‘punish’ those who are mirrors of our Shadow qualities. We may criticize, reject, hate, dehumanize, or even in extreme cases, physically or psychologically seek to destroy them (think of countries who go at war with the “enemies”). None of us are innocent in this area. We have ALL projected parts of our rejected self onto others. In fact, Shadow projection is a major cause of relationship dysfunction and break down.

If we are seeking to bring peace, love, and meaning to our lives, we absolutely MUST reclaim these projections. Through Shadow Work, we can explore exactly what we have disowned.

IX. Twelve Benefits of Shadow Work

Firstly, I want to say that I have the highest respect for Shadow Work. It is the single most important path I’ve taken to uncover my core wounds, core beliefs, traumas, and projections. I have also observed how Shadow Work has helped to create profound clarity, understanding, harmony, acceptance, release, and inner peace in the lives of others. It is truly deep work that makes changes on the Soul level targeting the very roots of our issues, not just the superficial symptoms.

There is SO much to be gained from making Shadow Work a part of your life, and daily routine. Here are some of the most commonly experienced benefits:

1. Deeper love and acceptance of yourself

2. Better relationships with others, including your partner and children

3. More confidence to be your authentic self

4. More mental, emotional, and spiritual clarity

5. Increased compassion/understanding for others = who you dislike

6. Enhanced creativity

7. Discovery of hidden gifts and talents

8. Deepened understanding of your passions and ultimate life purpose

9. Improved physical and mental health

10. More courage to face the unknown and truly live life

11. Access to your Soul or Higher Self

12. A feeling of Wholeness

It’s important to remember that there are no quick fixes in Shadow Work, so these life-changing benefits don’t just happen overnight. But with persistence, they will eventually emerge and bless your life.

X. Seven Tips for Approaching Shadow Work

Before you begin Shadow Work, you need to assess whether you’re ready to embark on this journey. Not everyone is prepared for this deep work, and that’s fine. We’re all at different stages. So pay attention to the following questions and try to answer them honestly:

· Have you practiced self-love yet?

o If not, Shadow Work will be too overwhelming for you. I have starred this bullet point because it is essential for you to consider. Shadow Work should not be attempted by those who have poor self-worth or struggle with self-loathing. In other words: if you struggle with severely low self-esteem, please do not attempt Shadow Work. I emphatically warn you against doing it. Why? If you struggle with extremely poor self-worth, exploring your Shadow will likely make you feel ten times worse about yourself. Before you walk this path, you absolutely must establish a strong and healthy self-image. No, you don’t have to think you’re God’s gift to the world, but having average self-worth is important. Try taking this self-esteem test to explore whether you’re ready (but first, don’t forget to finish this article!).

· Are you prepared to make time?

o Shadow Work is not a lukewarm practice. You are either all in or all out. Yes, it is important to take a break from it from time to time. But Shadow Work requires dedication, self-discipline, and persistence. Are you willing to intentionally carve out time each day to dedicate to it? Even just ten minutes a day is a good start.

· Are you looking to be validated or to find the truth?

o As you probably know by now, Shadow Work isn’t about making you feel special. It isn’t like typical spiritual paths that are focused on the feel-good. No, Shadow Work can be brutal and extremely confronting. This is a path for truth seekers, not those who are seeking to be validated.

· Seek to enter a calm and neutral space.

o It is important to try and relax when doing Shadow Work. Stress and judgmental or critical attitudes will inhibit the process. So please try to incorporate a calming meditation or mindfulness technique into whatever you do.

· Understand that you are not your thoughts.

o You need to realize that you are not your thoughts for Shadow Work to be healing and liberating. Only from your calm and quiet Center (also known as your Soul) can you truly be aware of your Shadow aspects. By holding them in awareness, you will see them clearly for what they are, and realize that they ultimately don’t define you; they are simply rising and falling mental phenomena.

· Practice self-compassion.

o It is of paramount importance to incorporate compassion and self-acceptance into your Shadow Work practice. Without showing love and understanding to yourself, it is easy for Shadow Work to backfire and make you feel terrible. So focus on generating self-love and compassion, and you will be able to release any shame and embrace your humanity.

· Record everything you find.

o Keep a written journal or personal diary in which you write down, or draw, your discoveries. Recording your dreams, observations, and analysis will help you to learn and grow more effectively. You’ll also be able to keep track of your process and make important connections.

XI. How to Practice Shadow Work

There are many Shadow Work techniques and exercises out there. In this guide, I will provide a few to help you start off. I’ll also share a few examples from my own life:

1. Pay attention to your emotional reactions

In this practice, you’ll learn that what you give power to has power over you. Let me explain:

One Shadow Work practice I enjoy a great deal is paying attention to everything that shocks, disturbs, and secretly thrills me. Essentially, this practice is about finding out what I’ve given the power to in my life unconsciously, because: what we place importance in – whether good or bad – says a lot about us.

The reality is that what we react to, or what makes us angry and distressed, reveals extremely important information to us about ourselves.

For example, by following where my “demons” have taken me – whether in social media, family circles, workspaces, and public places – I have discovered two important things about myself. The first one is that I’m a control freak; I hate feeling vulnerable, powerless and weak . . . it quite simply scares the living hell out of me. How did I discover this? Through my intense dislike of witnessing rape scenes in movies and TV shows, my negative reaction to novel experiences (e.g. roller coaster rides, public speaking, etc.), as well as my discomfort surrounding sharing information about my life with others in conversations. Also, by following where my “demons” have guided me I’ve discovered that I’m being burdened by an exasperating guilt complex that I developed through my religious upbringing. Apart of me wants to feel unworthy because that is what I’ve developed a habit of feeling since childhood (e.g. “You’re a sinner,” “It’s your fault Jesus was crucified”), and therefore, that is what I secretly feel comfortable with feeling: unworthy. So my mind nit-picks anything I might have done “wrong,” and I’m left with the feeling of being “bad” – which I’m used to, but nevertheless, this is destructive for my well-being.

Thanks to this practice, I have welcomed more compassion, mindfulness, and forgiveness into my life.

Paying attention to your emotional reactions can help you to discover exactly how your core wounds are affecting you on a daily basis.

How to Pay Attention to Your Emotional Reactions

To effectively pay attention to your emotional reactions (I call it “following the trail of your inner demons”), you first need to cultivate:

1. Self-awareness

Without being conscious of what you’re doing, thinking, feeling, and saying, you won’t progress very far.

If, however, you are fairly certain that you’re self-aware (or enough to start the process), you will then need to:

2. Adopt an open mindset

You will need to have the courage and willingness to observe EVERYTHING uncomfortable you place importance in, and ask “why?” What do I mean by the phrase “placing importance in”? By this, I mean that, whatever riles, shocks, infuriates, disturbs and terrifies you, you must pay attention to. Closely.

Likely, you will discover patterns constantly emerging in your life. For example, you might be outraged or embarrassed every time sex appears in a TV show or movie you like (possibly revealing sexual repression or mistaken beliefs about sex that you’ve adopted throughout life). Or you might be terrified of seeing death or dead people (possibly revealing your resistance to the nature of life or childhood trauma). Or you might be disgusted by alternative political, sexual, and spiritual lifestyles (possibly revealing your hidden desire to do the same).

There are so many possibilities out there, and I encourage you to go slowly, take your time, and one by one pick through what you place importance in.

“But I DON’T place importance in gross, bad or disturbing things in life, how could I? I don’t care for them!” you might be asking.

Well, think for a moment. If you didn’t place so much importance on what makes you angry, disgusted or upset . . . why would you be reacting to it so much? The moment you emotionally react to something is the moment you have given that thing power over you. Only that which doesn’t stir up emotions in us is not important to us.

See what you respond to and listen to what your Shadow is trying to teach you.

2. Artistically Express Your Shadow Self

Art is the highest form of self-expression and is also a great way to allow your Shadow to manifest itself. Psychologists often use art therapy as a way to help patients explore their inner selves.

Start by allowing yourself to feel (or drawing on any existing) dark emotions. Choose an art medium that calls to you such as pen and pencil, watercolor, crayon, acrylic paint, scrapbooking, sculpting, etc. and draw what you feel. You don’t need to consider yourself an ‘artist’ to benefit from this activity. You don’t even need to plan what you’ll create. Just let your hands, pen, pencil, or paintbrush do the talking. The more spontaneous, the better. Artistic expression can reveal a lot about your obscure darker half. Psychologist Carl Jung (who conceptualized the Shadow Self idea) was even famous for using mandalas in his therapy sessions.

3. Start a Project

The act of creation can be intensely frustrating and can give birth to some of your darker elements such as impatience, anger, blood-thirsty competitiveness, and self-doubt. At the same time, starting a project also allows you to experience feelings of fulfillment and joy.

If you don’t already have a personal project that you’re undertaking (such as building something, writing a book, composing music, mastering a new skill), find something you would love to start doing. Using self-awareness and self-exploration during the process of creation, you will be able to reap deeper insights into your darkness. Ask yourself constantly, “What am I feeling and why?” Notice the strong emotions that arise during the act of creation, both good and bad. You will likely be surprised by what you find!

For example, as a person who considers myself non-competitive, that assumption has been challenged by the act of writing this blog. Thanks to this project, the Shadow within me of ruthless competitiveness has shown its face, allowing me to understand myself more deeply.

4. Write a Story or Keep a Shadow Journal

Goethe’s story Faust is, in my opinion, one of the best works featuring the meeting of an ego and his Shadow Self. His story details the life of a Professor who becomes so separated and overwhelmed by his Shadow that he comes to the verge of suicide, only to realize that the redemption of the ego is solely possible if the Shadow is redeemed at the same time.

Write a story where you project your Shadow elements onto the characters – this is a great way to learn more about your inner darkness. If stories aren’t your thing, keeping a journal or diary every day can shine a light on the darker elements of your nature. Reading through your dark thoughts and emotions can help you to recover the balance you need in life by accepting both light and dark emotions within you.

5. Explore Your Shadow Archetypes

We have several Shadow varieties, also called Shadow Archetypes. These archetypes are sometimes defined as:

· The Sorcerer/Alchemist

· The Dictator

· The Victim

· The Shadow Witch

· The Addict

· The Idiot

· The Trickster

· The Destroyer

· The Slave

· The Shadow Mother

· The Hag

· The Hermit

However, I have my own Shadow Archetype classification, which I will include below.

13 Shadow Archetypes

Here are my thirteen classifications which are based on my own self-observations and analysis of others:

1. The Egotistical Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: arrogance, egocentricity, pompousness, inconsiderateness, self-indulgence, narcissism, excessive pride.

2. The Neurotic Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: paranoia, obsessiveness, suspiciousness, finicky, demanding, compulsive behavior.

3. The Untrustworthy Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: secretive, impulsive, frivolous, irresponsible, deceitful, unreliable.

4. The Emotionally Unstable Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: moody, melodramatic, weepy, overemotional, impulsive, changeable.

5. The Controlling Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: suspicious, jealous, possessive, bossy, obsessive.

6. The Cynical Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: negative, overcritical, patronizing, resentful, cantankerous.

7. The Wrathful Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: ruthless, vengeful, bitchy, quick-tempered, quarrelsome.

8. The Rigid Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: uptight, intolerant, racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, obstinate, uncompromising, inflexible, narrow-minded.

9. The Glib Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: superficial, cunning, inconsistent, sly, crafty.

10. The Cold Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: emotionally detached, distant, indifferent, uncaring, unexcited.

11. The Perverted Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: masochistic, lewd, sadistic, vulgar, libidinous.

12. The Cowardly Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: weak-willed, passive, timid, fearful.

13. The Immature Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: puerile, childish, illogical, simpleminded, vacuous.

Keep in mind that the above Shadow Archetypes are by no means exhaustive. I’m sure that there are many others out there which I have missed. But you are free to use this breakdown to help you explore your own Shadows. You’re also welcome to add to this list or create your own Shadow Archetypes, which I highly encourage. For example, you might possess a judgmental and dogmatic Shadow who you call “The Nun,” or a sexually deviant Shadow who you call “The Deviant.” Play around with some words and labels, and see what suits your Shadows the best.

6. Have an Inner Conversation

Also known as “Inner Dialogue,” or as Carl Jung phrased it, “Active Imagination,” having a conversation with your Shadow is an easy way to learn from it.

I understand if you might feel a twinge of skepticism towards this practice right now. After all, we are taught that “only crazy people talk to themselves.” But inner dialogue is regularly used in psychotherapy as a way to help people communicate with the various subpersonalities that they have – and we all possess various faces and sides of our ego.

One easy way to practice inner dialogue is to sit in a quiet place, close your eyes, and tune into the present moment. Then, think of a question you would like to ask your Shadow, and silently speak it within your mind. Wait a few moments and see if you ‘hear’ or ‘see’ an answer. Record anything that arises and reflect on it. It is even possible to carry on a conversation with your Shadow using this method. Just ensure that you have an open mindset. In other words, don’t try to control what is being said, just let it flow naturally. You will likely be surprised by the answers you receive!

Visualization is another helpful way of engaging in inner dialogue. I recommend bringing to mind images of dark forests, caves, holes in the ground, or the ocean as these all represent the unconscious mind. Always ensure that you enter and exit your visualization in the same manner, e.g. if you are walking down a path, make sure you walk back up the path. Or if you open a particular door, make sure you open the same door when returning back to normal consciousness. This practice will help to draw you effortlessly in and out of visualizations.

7. Use the Mirror Technique

As we have learned, projection is a technique of the Shadow that helps us to avoid what we have disowned. However, we don’t only project the deeper and darker aspects of ourselves onto others, we also project our light and positive attributes as well. For example, a person may be attracted to another who displays fierce self-assertiveness, not realizing that this quality is what they long to reunite with inside themselves. Another common example (this time negative) is judgmentalism. How many times have you heard someone say “he/she is so judgmental!” Ironically, the very person saying this doesn’t realize that calling another person ‘judgmental’ is actually pronouncing a judgment against them and revealing their own judgmental nature.

The Mirror Technique is the process of uncovering our projections. To practice this technique, we must adopt a mindful and honest approach towards the world: we need to be prepared to own that which we have disowned! Being radically truthful with ourselves can be difficult, so it does require practice. But essentially, we must adopt the mindset that other people are our mirrors. We must understand that those around us serve as the perfect canvas onto which we project all of our unconscious desires and fears.

Start this practice by examining your thoughts and feelings about those you come in contact with. Pay attention to moments when you’re emotionally triggered and ask yourself “am I projecting anything?” Remember: it is also possible to project our own qualities onto another person who really does possess the qualities. Psychologists sometimes refer to this as “projecting onto reality.” For example, we might project our rage onto another person who is, in fact, a rage-filled person. Or we might project our jealousy onto another who genuinely is jealous.

Ask yourself, “What is mine, what is theirs, and what is both of ours?” Not every triggering situation reveals a projection, but they more than often do. Also, look for things you love and adore about others, and uncover the hidden projections there.

The Mirror Technique will help you to shed a lot of light onto Shadow qualities that you have rejected, suppressed, repressed, or disowned. On a side note, you might also like to read about a similar practice called mirror work which helps you to come face-to-face with your own denied aspects.

XII. Shadow Work Q&A

Here are some commonly asked questions about shadow work:

What is shadow work?

Shadow work is the psychological and spiritual practice of exploring our dark side or the ‘shadowy’ part of our nature. We all possess a place within us that contains our secrets, repressed feelings, shameful memories, impulses, and parts that are deemed “unacceptable” and “ugly.” This is our dark side or shadow self – and it is often symbolized as a monster, devil, or ferocious wild animal.

How to do shadow work?

There are many ways to practice shadow work. Some of the most powerful and effective techniques include journaling, artistically expressing your dark side (also known as art therapy), using a mirror to connect with this part of you (mirror work), guided meditations, exploring your projections, and examining your shadow archetypes.

What is the spiritual shadow?

There is light and darkness within all areas of life, and spirituality is not exempt. The spiritual shadow is what occurs when we fall into the traps of spiritual materialism – a phenomenon where we use spirituality to boost our egos and become arrogant, self-absorbed, and even narcissistic.

XIII. Shadow Self -Test

https://lonerwolf.com/shadow-self-test/

As passionate proponents of Shadow Work, we have created a free Shadow Self test on this website for you to take. Like any test, take it with a grain of salt and use your own analysis to ultimately determine how ‘dominant’ your Shadow is in your life. Please remember that tests online cannot be 100% accurate, so see it as a fun self-discovery tool. And note: those who receive a “small Shadow Self” answer still need to do Shadow Work. No person is exempt. ;)

XIV. Own Your Shadow and You Will Own Your Life

If you are looking for some serious, authentic and long-lived healing in your life, Shadow Work is the perfect way to experience profound inner transformation. Remember that what you internalize is almost always externalized in one form or another.

Own your shadow and you will own your life.

Here are some final inspiring words:

“The secret is out: all of us, no exceptions, have qualities we won’t let anyone see, including ourselves – our Shadow. If we face up to our dark side, our life can be energized. If not, there is the devil to pay. This is one of life’s most urgent projects. — Larry Dossey (Healing Words)”

“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we are not really living. Growth demands a temporary surrender of security.” — Gail Sheehy

“Who has not at one time or another felt a sourness, wrath, selfishness, envy and pride, which he could not tell what to do with, or how to bear, rising up in him without his consent, casting a blackness over all his thoughts … It is exceeding good and beneficial to us to discover this dark, disordered fire of our soul; because when rightly known and rightly dealt with, it can as well be made the foundation of heaven as it is of hell. — William Law”

“To confront a person with his own shadow is to show him his own light. — Carl Jung”

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shepherds-of-haven · 3 years

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I'm obsessed with this dark!Shepherds AU?? Could you tell us more about it? Or in a head-to-head fight, which Shepherds would win against their evil counterparts or vice versa?

Hi there, good question! I haven’t really given that much thought to the dark!Shepherds AU, but I imagine (if we’re making it very similar to the Justice League scenario) something happens to make the majority of the Shepherds snap, and they turn against the Autarchy and instate a form of governance based solely on power and domination. They think they’re doing what’s right by preventing conflict and protecting the world from demons, just like the Justice Lords felt when they took over the world. That being said...

Dark!Blade: Dark!Blade isn’t all that different from teenage/young adult Blade, who was perfectly comfortable with the idea of assassinating and killing people for his cause, and because he firmly believed it would lead to the greater good. Dark!Blade would be like that, but even colder and more ruthless than his past self. He would rid himself of all personal attachments, such as friends, family, and romance, believing that such feelings made him weak and hesitant, and made himself vulnerable to his enemies in the way that the Autarch was made vulnerable through her sons.

In a toe-to-toe combat situation, it’s hard to say who would win. Both have razor-sharp killing instincts and battle tactics, but I’m probably going to give it to Dark!Blade, because he would be willing to fight dirty (taking loved ones hostage, threatening kids or bystanders) and Blade would sacrifice himself willingly for others while Dark!Blade wouldn’t. So I’ll give it to him 90% of the time!

Dark!Trouble: I really can’t imagine a dark version of Trouble, not in the whole “bad Justice League” sense. I suppose he already walks a fine line between light and dark as it is; his relentless good, altruism, courage, and compassion make him a hero, but there’s that edge of temper, rage, and darkness (especially in his past--he was a criminal and killer-for-hire too, after all) that colors it as well. Like, now it’s fine for him to beat the everloving shit out of an asshole like Lazu Reen, but that could tip over to someone who’s not so black-and-white bad, too--he could turn that hatred towards an enemy who is more nuanced, like a politician who ultimately serves the people and does good, but who happened to make Trouble an enemy by personally slighting or hurting a friend, something like that. Trouble’s sense of loyalty tends to override his desire for justice in some ways, and I could see him supporting someone like Blade or MC to the end if they framed their endeavors in a way that could still be read as “good”. Like, yeah I had to kill this group of people, but it was for the greater good! And he’d be like “alright, I trust you!” He’s got your back even when the whole world turns against you, until there comes a point when he just can’t stand it anymore--but by then, he probably already did a lot of bad out of love of his friends.

If it were a death match between Dark!Trouble and our Trouble, I’m betting our Trouble would win, purely because Dark!Trouble’s desire to live would be just slightly lessened by the weight of all the deeds he committed. I don’t think he’s truly cut out to be bad, so our Trouble would probably win...

Truthfully, though, if we’re following the Justice League formula, I could see Trouble being the one dying to trigger the domino effect that leads to the Shepherds turning bad. Like the Flash (I’m pretty sure it was Wally West in JL), in a way, he’s one of the hearts of the Order that bridges them to the civilian population and vice-versa. If he were killed, I could see them falling into the path of darkness (with a lot of other factors involved, too).

Dark!Shery: we already know that Dark!Shery and Shery are one in the same, lol. I don’t think Dark!Shery would be so much like the bad Justice League; I think what would be dark about her would be her indifference, her total passive indifference to their quest for domination “for the greater good” and their thirst for revenge. Dark!Shery is more just personally angry, aggressive, loud, forceful, and selfish, but I don’t see any world where she sets out for power or world domination. If anything, I see Dark!Shery (in that AU) being petty and mean, ripping lollipops out of kids’ hands because she feels like it and not batting an eye at seeing a beggar collapse in the street.

That’s not to say drunk Dark!Shery is like that, I’m just taking her badness to an extreme in an AU where all of the Shepherds are bad!

In a fight, Dark!Shery would absolutely win, lol. She doesn’t have any better combat abilities than our Shery, but her sheer rage would be terrifying and would lend her crazy strength, lol.

Dark!Tallys: Tallys, too, already walks the edge of the path to darkness a little bit, I think. Obviously she’s chosen the good side, but in a different world where a demon promised her revenge for her fallen family and an opportunity to burn the Autarchy down, I think the younger her would have taken it. In a dark!AU where Trouble was killed or something, I think she would be like, “okay, fuck it” and give in to that doubtful, vengeful side of herself and just go apeshit on the world. She would be one of the people spearheading the plan to take over the world. She’d give lip service and say she was doing it for the greater good, but another part of her would revel in the blood and chaos. It wouldn’t heal the wound in her heart, though, and would only make her even more twisted and angry.

In a head-to-head first, I’m going to give it to our Tallys 60% of the time. Part of the thing that makes Tallys so effective in battle is her ability to sever herself from her emotions and maintain a cool head; she can detach herself from personal feelings and analyze combat with cold clarity. I feel like dark!Tallys would be easy to taunt into a rage, or she would let her hatred and thirst for blood cloud her mind, so I feel like our Tallys would have the advantage most of the time!

Dark!Riel: I say this in complete seriousness: in a world where Riel decided to turn evil or fall to the dark side, everybody is already fucked. He would absolutely be the most effective and terrifying villain out of the entire cast. He will rip, slash, and burn entire countries with the easy ruthlessness of an accountant making budget cuts. He knows a dozen ways to starve, lay siege to, and lead public campaigns against the enemy. He would be the scariest Autarch the world has ever seen. If you think he’s mean to his enemies like Ebert now, wait until he has no moral code holding him back...

It’s difficult to imagine a battle between Dark!Riel and our Riel, but I’m going to guess the utter dispassionate cruelty and lack of compassion in Dark!Riel would win 90% of the time. Our Riel has a little less edge than Dark!Riel, so for that reason, I think he would lose. And so would the world...

Dark!Chase: I feel like Dark!Chase is very similar to our Chase, just colder, more ruthless, and bloodthirstier. He’d take genuine pleasure in torturing and killing his enemies, and I think he would cut out the flirtatious aspect of his personality in favor of a crueler and more sadistic sense of humor. He would also probably be batshit insane, like, somewhere on the Joker’s level but not obnoxious; in fact, quieter and calmer and deadlier, like you could never really know what he was thinking. People would be afraid to look into his eyes. I think it would take a lot more to push him to that point than the others, though; but once he tipped over that cliff into darkness, there’d be no going back or remorse for him. He’d love to kill his enemies with a kiss and a smile.

In a fight between our Chase and Dark!Chase, I feel like it would be 50/50. Dark!Chase would be more reckless, unpredictable, and have even less of a fear of death than our Chase does; our Chase would have the edge in terms of strategy. So yeah, I think it would be 50/50!

Dark!Red: I can’t even imagine what Dark!Red would be like, lol. I just can’t imagine him being truly evil or ruthless without feeling guilty about it. I guess I could only imagine it if, like, he messed around with some spell and it robbed him of the ability to feel love or empathy?? But even then, I feel like he doesn’t have any inclination to go around conquering the world or hurting people. He mostly just wants to chill and read his books. I feel like he’d be the only one out of the group (besides probably Trouble if he’s not already dead) to be like uhhh guys what’s going on here, this isn’t like us?? He’d probably defect and lead a small underground rebel force with Pan and Neon. OMG and he’d be the one to figure out worldwalking and travel to our Blest to get our Shepherds to fight his because they’d be the only ones to stand a chance at taking down the evil versions of themselves!!! OMG!!! IT ALL FITS WTF.

Dark!Ayla: I could see Ayla Hulking out and becoming full of rage, but it’s difficult for me to imagine her doing something like supporting the death of innocents or using dirty-handed maneuvers to conquer the land. She’s also among the most independent of the Shepherds, so I feel like she’d be the most vocal of their opposition... it’s realllly hard for me to imagine her casually killing anybody except for scumbags who hurt other people, like murderers and kidnappers. In a war between different political factions or a bid to conquer the world, I just don’t think she has it in her--no matter how angry and aggrieved she was at whatever turned the rest of the others bad.

I think she would either be on the good side, such as supporting Red’s rebels, or vocal enough among the bad guys to have been killed as a dissenter; she might not be around by the time our Shepherds made it to the dark dimension. But if she was, I’m pretty sure our Ayla would win against her 80% of the time. Our Ayla still has the courage of her convictions and the scrappy desire to survive no matter what; dark!Ayla probably wouldn’t.

Dark!Halek: Also hard for me to imagine Halek turning truly evil; I feel like, if something bad were to happen to turn the rest of the Order bad, Halek would give himself more to grief instead of rage and revenge. He most likely would remove himself from the situation rather than try to take over the world; they would probably have to go hunting for him in the wilderness, kind of like when Luke was a hermit on that blue milk island in Star Wars (spoilers I guess?). I guess dark!Halek would be sort of tired and indifferent Halek, not able to go up against his old allies; our Shepherds might regard him as a coward, but he wouldn’t be evil like the others.

Our Halek would definitely beat that Halek in a fight, but they’d probably have no reason to fight in the first place!

Dark!Briony: did any of you ever watch the Flashpoint Paradox (another DC movie about the Justice League--well, the Flash--finding out about a really evil parallel universe)? There’s a scene in it where Dark!Wonder Woman--Queen of the Amazonians and waging a war against Aquaman and the Atlanteans--like, beheads Aquaman’s wife Queen Mera and holds her head up to Aquaman like “fuck you”. I won’t link the gif because all of the violence in that movie is pretty gruesome, but that’s how I feel Dark!Briony would initially be. Super strong, running through the enemy army like a knife through paper, annihilating whole forces and landscapes with just her fists, and not giving a shit just how many people she’s killing. I feel like there’s already a tenuous grasp on her emotions in our Briony; beneath the happy-go-lucky, sweet exterior, she feels so much and loves so much that there’s also the ability for her to snap. It wouldn’t take that much (a few more Nathes) to unhinge her and decide to hurt the world as much as it has hurt her. I think she would sort of black out into an all-consuming, heartbroken suicide run where she just decided to do everything in her power to create as much destruction as possible, to somehow soothe the destruction in her heart.

When that wouldn’t work, I think she would come back to her senses a little and start to slowly realize how fucked up and evil the things she’s doing (and the people around her) have become. It would be slower than someone like Ayla or Red, but gradually I think she would start to nurse a secret doubt in her heart, and if someone like Red was still around, he’d be able to convince her to start working for the good guys in secret, as their mole within the dark!Shepherds. However, I feel like cleverer minds like Blade, Lavinet, Chase and Riel would find her out, and she’d probably be executed for her treason.

In a fight against Dark!Briony and our Briony, I feel like it would depend on what stage of her development she’s at. If it’s still full rage mode, Dark!Briony probably wins like 80-90% of the time!

Dark!Lavinet: I could see Lavinet turning evil, but it’s sort of hard to imagine because she takes her duty to serve the people so seriously--it’s difficult to imagine what would need to happen to make her forget that, or to make her think she knows what’s best for them, even if that means doing bad things. It would already be so easy for her to do that in our world that she’s very conscious of it, so it would take a lot for her to fall into darkness. However, it’s still possible, and I could totally see her agreeing to be installed as a figurehead Autarch in order to maintain order and peace, slowly becoming more callous and ruthless over time. She would totally execute the old guard loyal to the previous Autarch and make their heads roll publicly to instill fear and respect for her reign. She does have that streak of ruthlessness in her; in our world, it’s reserved only for her enemies, but in that world, she’d slowly start to view everyone as her enemy--even past friends!

In a fight between Dark!Lavinet and our Lavinet, I would guess that our Lavinet would win 90% of the time. In that AU, I feel like Dark!Lavinet would let others do the fighting for her, and she would get used to ruling and being behind the front lines; in a way, she’d lose her fighting edge, something our Lavinet still has in spades. So in a direct combat situation, I think our Lavinet would win! In a game of wits and politics, I’m not sure--I would give that one 60-40 in favor of Dark!Lavinet!

#Shepherds of Haven #evil #evil AU #dark AU #AU #villain #villains #tw: suicide #cw: violence #cw: war #cw: murder #deadliest warrior #dark!shepherds #long #long post #all characters #anon #dark!AU

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dubsxreader · 3 years

Text

worship the king //.o1 // shigaraki tomura x female!reader

summary: after the soul crushing realization that you're not meant to be the Hero you've spent your life training to be, you hunt down the most indiscriminate killer you know: Dabi. his man-child of a leader being there only makes the task easier, right? too bad Shigaraki has a knack for seeing things in others they don't see themselves. wc: 3,312 playlist: here!

rated: M for dark and mature themes; future lewd tw: suicidal ideation (seriously don't read if you're in a bad mindset this probs won't help), depression, toxic thoughts, manipulation, the start of a v dependent, idolizing relationship ie "worship" in all definitions of the word haha. Shigs taking advantage of a mentally vulnerable hero basically; dead dove do not eat for that reason.

a/n: this is something I wrote almost year ago now, when I first fell head over heels for Shigs and really felt like bnha was saving me from insanity haha. I have 15 pages of notes for this fic, but for now, for the King's birthday, this is my thank you to him and a year of loving Shigaraki Tomura <3 also to the xreader community for being my gateway into every fandom that takes over my life haha. will be posted to ao3 later

You stand on a cracked, littered rooftop, sullenly looking over the calamity you figured would be destroying the lives of every day, happily unaware citizens tonight. A slight sigh of relief leaves your chewed-to-hell lips, hidden to your own addled mind but glaringly apparent to any of your fellow heroes who’d commented on your state of mind the past few months.

You appreciated their care, you really did—for all the surface level care it could give, that is. It wasn’t their fault they couldn’t understand. They were simply more Heroic than you, official capital and all. More driven, stronger, faster… But you’ve been doing the absolute best you can, and you were sure of that. Days–weeks months?–of harshly honest self speculation assured you of your failures and of the fact that, simply put, you weren’t cut out for shouldering multitudes of lives every time you stepped out your door. Heroism didn’t just end when you took off your costume; no, it was an ideology that should be ingrained into the soul of the costume wearer, and you’d come to the jarring conclusion that, after all your special training, you just weren’t up to snuff.

You couldn’t even save yourself from your own demons. How the hell were you supposed to save those more deserving of life if you couldn’t cope with your own shit?

A small, condescending snort leaves your nostrils as you observe the blue flames engulfing the area below you. Fucking worthless. What was the point, then? Hours of support Hero's work on your items, costume—wasted. The countless words of love and support from friends and family. Ha. Your eyes track the small movements of the current chaos’ perpetrators with a keenness you've found twisted comfort in recently. A familiar, all encompassing fixation gears up that brings you out of the cloud of self-doubt, hate, and deprecation that was so, so wrong to feel as a Pro-Hero in today’s society. In this bubble there's a solution, so it's okay. You let out a numbing breath.

Maybe you could give the Villains +1 morality in the eyes of whatever twisted being rested on their laurels, idly watching as you drive yourself insane.

A swift gust of wind knocks the empty cans and bottles from their peaceful resting places as you leave your perch, descending into the empty alley below to begin your last stand against yourself. Resolute and heavy steps echo in the widened, deserted streets of the city you vowed to protect—a small, still aware part of you thankful it’s so late at night that most would be sleeping. Your targets (saviors?) usually moved when they would make the most social impact, but you’d been tracking a certain member that didn’t seem to adhere to their strict schedule.

Whoever they were behind the obvious moniker, they seemed to kill liberally. It should be easy. You take a numbing breath.

The stench of burning flesh and ash is suddenly all too pungent, assaulting your senses enough to kick your mind into another, more logical plane and question how stupid you’re being. How disappointed everyone who knew you would be. Izuku and Hitoshi, especially, had been trying their hardest to devote extra time to you recently, you knew that—fuck, how selfish were you to bring their attention away from a goal they’d fought so hard to achieve?

The flames are smoldering char on concrete when you arrive at the end of another alleyway, just as dirty as the one you’d come from… But the incineration just seemed to have cleansed the way of its trash. You nearly sigh again in morbid relief when you see two men still standing there in the aftermath. You can see from behind that the man you’ve been tracking, Dabi, still has his left arm extended, as if relishing the memory of his flames destroying the ones he deemed unworthy.

Hands in your hero costume’s pockets, you steel yourself in your usual Hero emotions: indignation, conviction, disgust at the idea of them feeling they had a right to do anything going against the grain of the society you were indoctrinated into. You clear your throat with the last of your practiced confidence, bringing the sights of the two Villains to your own frame shadowed by the bright street lamp at your back.

“You two aren’t planning on getting away with this, are you?”

Your simple, deadpan drawl has both men scoffing to themselves and sharing a look of exasperation and annoyance. They clearly want nothing more than to be done with whatever the hell they were doing; your gaze sharpens in acknowledgment while their own take note of your hero costume. This is it. This is really it. You’ve done it. Is it really what you want?

Your eyes ice over, hardening to protect your vulnerabilities when they meet those of the second man’s own carmine flecks, so unflinching and so, so bored from behind his trademark hand.

Yeah. This is it.

Resignation freezing the rest of your visage and nothing left to say, you dash forward with simple physical speed, locking onto the Villain you recognize as the leader of the League of Villains himself. Sure, Dabi was a proven relentless killer, but you figure if you go after the leader himself there would be even less hesitation or time to think on either side. They were both reportedly unflinching, ruthless, uncaring and absolutely evil, but Shigaraki’s devilishness was practically beaten into you at this point. He was the obvious candidate, the oddness of his presence meaningless yet welcome at this point.

Your eyes never leave his as you take those last three lunging leaps, your arm cocked back in a hopeful show of some impressive power you might possess, in a display grand enough to paint yourself as a threat if not at the very least an annoyance.

Blue flames lick at the back of your costume. You’d somehow been faster than Dabi’s flames, which made no sense at all—you weren’t fast in any capacity if you were to judge yourself. It must’ve been a misfire. Lucky you’ve targeted the faster acting Villain.

Something distinctly odd flashes in his previously disinterested eye as you rush him, your Quirk barely powered yet still reflecting in his observation as you aim for the mask. Your own, in contradictory spite, slows as your mind races, brushing the hand enough to feel the inexplicitly soft and leathery texture, knocking it clean off the face of the man you’d targeted. Maybe it's the adrenaline, maybe it's the anticipation of the end, but you don’t feel anything near what you thought you’d feel when his living hand grazes your outstretched arm. If anything, it feels like an angry wasp had come at your elbow in some sort of misguided revenge attempt. Bearable.

Fucking livable.

You skid to a shaky stop feet behind them, your glare going to the small hole in your costume’s arm where he’d made the briefest of contact. The skin had only begun to crack and decay from a central point; nothing near the scale and intensity you’d been warned about by your superiors and peers. What the fuck gives?

A desperate rage threatens to erupt at the lack of damage. You feel cheated. Your eyes shift from the minimal damage to the apprehensive yet notably curious eyes of your chosen euthanasist. Was he just not taking you seriously? You didn’t blame him, but…

“I thought the League was the best of the best?” The sting in your arm is mockingly there and you scoff, barely hiding your indignation at his unfulfillment of the role you’d forced upon him. You take it and use it to fuel the crumbling foundation of your resolve, ashing it to the ground yourself and focus on the slightly slumped figure topped with white-blue hair.

His eyes are now magnetized and piercing, never wavering from your own, adding to your rage and confusion. Just what is he getting at, looking straight at you in the fucked up state you’re in and just–just fucking seeing–?! You aren’t looking for pity, fuck all if it's from the person you’ve deemed would have the balls you didn’t to end this shitty nightmare you live in. With a primal, anguished and utterly guttural scream you dash forward once more towards Shigaraki Tomura, hand erupting in a more accurate show of your true power.

Once again, he simply guides your attack away from him into empty space, this time with a deft shove of his index finger. Silent and calculating. You stumble on your feet as you land, ignoring the insulting sting, and turn to face them at a pace you know isn’t up to Hero standards but unable to even fake it anymore. Your eyes, though.

They fucking call to him.

How could he dust you? A Pro-Hero, coming at him alone, a deadly ally at his side, with what he knew from his research to be nowhere near their quirk’s power and potential?

Nevermind the look in your eyes he’d recognized immediately—this Hero was asking to be killed. Cracked lips twitch to grin at the situation. His mind works at full throttle to balance the possibilities.

“Heh…” The small breath leaves him, a smirk winning out and pulling at already taught skin, “You’re looking to die, aren’t you, Hero?”

Your brows furrow in… Fuck, you can’t identify your feelings at this point–they shouldn’t matter–they’d become obsolete the moment you took a swing at the supposedly impulsive and irrational Villain in charge. All you can feel is the overwhelming sense of weight, of pressure, of absolute and total CHAOS destroying any semblance of unity you’d pulled together to end this.

“What the fuck does that matter to you, Villain?!” Your glare is full of a rawness you can’t recognize, let alone mask, “Fucking fight me or die!”

His smirk, now fully on display, stretches to the smuggest of smiles as he takes his experimental first steps forward, casually retrieving the hit hand and placing it safely in his trench coat pocket. You weren’t immediately attacking him—hell, you weren’t even defending yourself! You’d only be more obvious if you’d delivered yourself to his doorstep tied in a bright, blood-red ribbon labeled “do what you want, I don’t care anymore!” It made his blood simmer, his skin itch in excitement at all the optional routes opened up before him.

Quickly, too quickly to deploy your defense {even if you wanted to}, he’s in your face and encircling your neck in a four fingered grasp. Your eyes vaguely mark Dabi looking on with a detached interest, and you can’t help but mirror his lack of understanding—your emotions and thoughts unfortunately too far past controllable to be hidden behind the usual Heroics.

“You could still serve a purpose, you know.”

Narrowed (e/c) eyes meet piercing, analytical rubies set to freeze and crumble enemies. You have no answer to that, none at all—if you hadn’t come across another anything while you’d been searching in earnest, how could it be tossed into your lap from the hands of a Villain? Your clear disbelief doesn’t deter him in the slightest. It only gives him the subtle signals he needs to ensure a dedicated new member of his team. This situation could only go well for him and the League, if he plays it right, and he’s thankful Dabi knows when to shut the hell up and take the back seat when he truly should.

He’s never seen Shigaraki’s version of recruitment before. After Dabi's climate destroying display, he could use a lesson.

On the edge though this Hero is, the line is thin and the touch needed is delicate and calculated.

“You can make a real difference in this rotten world,” Shigaraki slowly lowers his defensive arm and loosens his grip on your neck, conveying his intentions to calm you. He notices this strikes an especially sore nerve that you’re too unhinged to recognize. You’re taken over by your emotions, unable to distinguish that you’ve offered your weaknesses to your enemy on a silver platter. Disgusted rage he’s now certain is self-focused meets him, only bringing him a step closer to your frozen and highly panicked figure. His free fingers fidgets on the clammy skin of your neck, tapping a pattern across your throbbing pulse, expectant and soft while the other stays loosely, carefully, against your clavicle.

It's constant.

It's… calming?

No, it's fucking overwhelming and uncomfortable and— As if your body’s acting on the last vestiges of your studies, you struggle in his grasp and pull your dominate arm back, channeling all your sadness and panic you’d been unable to expel into the attack you hoped would just fucking end this fucking end this it’s done—

Another four fingered grip captures your wrist, directing your power away from anything important and only ruffling Dabi’s clothes as he watches on. You choke on a cry, near your mask’s end with Shigaraki’s unexpected patience. You’d been told this was nothing more than a spoiled, raging, calloused young man entirely unable to connect with any feelings other than his own selfish need to destroy all Heroes he came in contact with. The only conclusion your racing mind can come to is that he doesn’t even view you as a Hero worth destroying. Thick and torrid tears rush from your eyes, betraying your need to be recognized and being denied that luxury in your final moments.

“I can’t even get what I need from you fuckfaces—!” Your cry rings out, eyes shutting tightly, shaking with the force of your emotions finally finding the breaking point they need to crash through into the real world, “What the fuck can I do to make a fucking difference?!”

Shigaraki pauses to assess your sobbing. You’ve all but folded into yourself; you would’ve disintegrated against his hold on your neck if he hadn’t been paying attention. No… he sees you. He sees you. His fingered grip on your neck slides up to force your head to follow, meeting his sure gaze. You’re lost. You’re anxiously grasping at anything you can to stop the burning, itching need to destroy your own mind… And he gets that. He knows what it took to hook him tightly into his own mindset. He knows of seeing a seemingly impossible goal set before him, of feeling unworthy and needing to prove himself to his peers and himself. If anyone could reshape you... it would be him. If anyone were to reshape you... it should be him.

“It isn’t fair, is it…?” He starts slowly, voice dripping with cooing understanding, gauging your expressions and body, “You work so hard to be what others want you to be… And never feel enough, even when you put your all into it.” Your whole being shudders at his words, breaking down and melting into the pressure of your expectations for yourself. You choke on another messy sob, tears blinding you, snot nearly reaching your lips, a trail of drool unknowingly slipping from the corner of your grimacing lips.

“We’d never expect more than you can give, you know,” He all but whispers into your ear, his words echoing with staying power. You miss the tiniest bit of excitement he lets slip into his tone at the thought of corrupting a fairly strong Hero to his cause with mere psychological one-upmanship. The power over your entire existence is an intoxicating prize and he’s not about to let go of it if he can help it.

A sad cross between a whimper and a cry escapes you as you crumble even more into a hold you’d only come to for annihilation. Why wasn’t he killing you? Why weren’t you dead? You’d wanted to die, needed to just stop everything and just—just STOP, finally, just stop. He was a hardened criminal with no need for heroes, what the hell kind of use did he see in you? You still the tiniest bit. You just need a use, a tangible use, is that what you’ve been missing? A clear direction set before you by an overwhelmingly liberating, intelligent, capable force… Could he see it through all the absolute shit you covered yourself in?

A tentative spark lights the furthest parts of you as you finally meet his confident and knowing gaze. Fuck if you don’t feel seen for the first time in your life, finally seen and accepted for the absolute mess you see yourself as. The conflicting, philosophical doubts you’ve had about Heroism, and your own heroics in the existential race you call a life, find a peaceful place in Shigaraki Tomura’s vision.

It's an alien calm, a powerful sedative on your mind, leading you to melt into his look—telling him all he needed to know and more. The grin he sports widens and his eyes shift to give a silent command to Dabi, still (surprisingly) observing quietly, before changing your life indefinitely, “Follow me, little hero. You'll never be lost again.”

A deep, swirling purple warp gate you’d only seen in footage appears at the entrance to the alleyway.

The loose grip on your neck finally leaves completely, giving you ample room to escape up and out across the rooftops. You’re frozen in your battling thoughts at the suddenly very real decision in front of you.

You knew you weren’t good enough to be a Hero. You’d been struggling with the core beliefs on what the word even meant, if the world you’d been taught was even so black and white. Did you even want to die or did you just need someone to come and give you a purpose, some great refocusing direction? Someone to swoop in, recognize and acknowledge your pain before wiping it away and giving you something definite to live for? You knew you couldn’t make it as a Hero. You were nothing in that world. But maybe you could make that nothing existence, doomed to the weaker, better…?

Eyes nearly blinded before blinking down more streams of tears, you sniffle and take a tentative step towards the man looming tall over you, an umbrella shielding you from a brightness you couldn’t stand to be seen in. You harshly wipe your falling tears to watch Dabi walk swiftly into the portal, an unlit cigarette of some sort dangling from his patterned lips. Shigaraki steps to it much slower. He stops before he reaches it, twisting subtly to look at you from over his shoulder. He shouldn’t have to say anything more for you to follow, if his assumptions are correct—

They are.

Your first steps are slow but pick up speed quickly, feet nearly throwing you into his right side, at the mouth of the portal to a place described by your thoughts as no return. His eyes widen in delight, a manic grin following as he places the fingers of his left hand onto your head in a semblance of comfort. More than he ever got. His right arm wraps confidently around your waist, absurdly consoling to your rapidly evolving morals and needs.

It allows you to let it all go, though. It tells you someone more capable, more prepared is there. That he sees you and is keeping you alive because you’re useful to him. You can’t seem to care why when the overwhelming realization that such a powerful man saw you as you were, truly were, and still found a profound use for you in a world you were dying in takes a strong hold. You’re practically weightless as he guides you into the inky blackness of his caretaker’s portal, mind clicking into place and recognizing the distinct choice you’re making with a calm acceptance of this development in your life.

You were a useless hero. Perhaps this is your chance to prove you could make a difference to someone as a villain.

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a/n: thanks so much for reading!! :) hope you enjoyed~ happy birthday, Shigster! maann I wish he'd take me away ;w; drop of a hat, I'm gone lol. the ultimate escapism... yandere!Shigaraki! xD annyway, I hope you have a wonderful day~ <3

#shigaraki tomura x femaie!reader #shigaraki x reader #tw sucidal ideation #tw depression #tw manipulation

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plasticnightmaredoll · 3 years

Photo

This is an idea/scenario I’ve had for a good while now pertaining to Arkham Knight Riddler. I don’t know if it’s any good -- it may be too “fluffy” to be in character -- but I wanted to write it down and get it out there, see what people think. Ironically, the idea came from a similar one involving Telltale Riddler, and I may post that one someday, too, but this AK Riddler one is...very different. Different in regards to a lot of headcanons, imagines, drabbles, etc. about him.

So, the scenario is like this: Someone wants to fuck with this poor guy -- not Batman, not one of the Bat family, not even one of the Gotham Rogues. It could be some random new villain, someone who is maybe more sadistic than any of the Rogues (save for Joker). I thought about this antagonist kidnapping AK Eddie’s s/o and holding them hostage …

But with a twist.

Catwoman has nothing to do with this because she’s not evil, but I thought about the explosive collar Riddler put on her in Arkham Knight, and what if this antagonist -- to really mess with Eddie -- decides to put such a collar on his s/o? And Riddler has to show up and complete some tasks (dangerous puzzles and riddle-based traps most likely), or else, his s/o loses their head.

Of course, Eddie shows up because he’s panicking. This was never supposed to happen! Nothing was supposed to happen to his s/o. This is beyond anything Batman had ever done. This is so sinister, so vile, so abhorrent, Eddie can’t even begin to comprehend it. At first, he bargains, offering money, tech, robots, his hacking skills -- even offers himself up to wear the collar instead because he can’t take the sight of his beloved wearing something that could blow their head right off, right in front of him, and leave him emotionally and mentally broken for life.

But the antagonist doesn’t want to bargain, even when Eddie begs -- like, really begs to the point of tears, asking for mercy and pleading with the antagonist to let his s/o go free. They have nothing to do with any of Eddie’s work. They’re innocent, and they’re too important to him! He can’t let this happen!

The begging amuses the antagonist but once again, it’s not enough. Eddie has to do the challenges, and if he completes them all correctly, the collar comes off. If he messes up, then his s/o dies. Eddie reassures his s/o that everything will be just fine, he’s got this under control, they’ll be out of trouble in no time so don’t be afraid.

It’s difficult to not be afraid when you have a bomb around your neck and a sadistic psychopath with the trigger. As bad as Eddie can be, he’s not THIS malevolent. He has some humanity left in him. But this person, they’re just out there to make him suffer because it’s “entertaining” to watch him squirm.

As you know, by this point in his life, Eddie is very mentally unstable and could have a mental breakdown if pushed even just a little too far. His s/o is the only thing keeping him grounded, the only reason he has to keep his sanity (or what’s left of it), and this is the only person who has ever cared for him despite the fact he knows he’s not worth it. If he loses his beloved, then what would he have left? There would be no recovery from such a thing.

So, Eddie completes the challenges, although he is internally freaking out the entire time, partly because he doubts himself and partly because he has no idea if the antagonist will just press the trigger and kill Eddie’s s/o without warning. By the time Eddie is done, he’s a nervous wreck and on the verge of a breakdown, but he hopes that, by enduring all this, by letting this person watch him squirm, sweat, beg, cry, and panic, that maybe it’s enough to end this madness without his s/o dying.

But the antagonist doesn’t care that Eddie completed all the tasks. In the end, it’s about making Eddie suffer horribly because watching a nearly broken man finally break -- shatter -- is the point of all this. So, the collar has a 30 second timer set, and as it counts down, Eddie obviously freaks out, hyperventilating as he tries to plead once again for his s/o’s life, offering himself up again in their place, and yet, it’s not enough (kind of reminding him how he was never enough for his father, even if he agonized over pleasing him). The antagonist just laughs at Eddie’s mental breakdown and tells him he better use the remaining time to say goodbye. And no funny business. If Eddie or his s/o attempt to remove or disarm the collar, then it will detonate.

Eddie’s s/o, despite being terrified does their best to put on a brave face and they tell him it’s ok, it’s not his fault, just don’t look, look away, it will all be over soon, he has to keep going for them...Eddie doesn’t know what to do, and seeing as he now has 10 seconds left, he does the only thing he feels he can and should do, and he grabs his s/o despite their protests and holds them tight, crying and saying over and over how sorry he is, he’s so sorry.

And the timer reaches zero on the collar.

There’s a soft click.

Then nothing.

No explosion.

The antagonist bursts out laughing, confessing that the “bomb” is a dud, was never going to explode, and since both Eddie and his s/o were too distressed to think all this through, they never even considered this as a possibility. The collar has been unlocked and Eddie’s s/o just kind of sinks to their knees in complete shock, and he can’t believe what he’s seeing. At first, he’s confused, wondering if this is all some sort of twisted dream, then he’s relieved because his s/o is safe, then he’s angry because what the hell was this?! He vows to get revenge on the antagonist and throws the collar away as he all but screams in rage.

Now alone, Eddie remembers his s/o is still on the floor, pale as a sheet and unresponsive. Kneeling down, he asks if they’re ok, tells them they’re ok, that this was all some sort of sick joke. When his s/o snaps out of their daze, they get mad and push him away, yelling at him for being so foolish

“You were just going to let yourself die with me?!” they demand.

“Yes!” Eddie responds, too overwhelmed to even know how to respond to this.

“Why? Why would you do that?”

“Because!”

“WHY?”

“Because I can’t go back to my old life! Not having known you! You think that I would just sink back into my old routine without a hitch? You think I would forget you? You think I’d just move on and live life normally? How could I do that? How? If I lost you, I’d have nothing, do you understand? Nothing. My life would be empty, more so than it’s ever been, and nothing could fill that void, not the way you do. No one has ever loved me, not even those who were supposed to! But you, you love me! I didn’t ask for it, and I don’t even deserve it, but you love me anyway. You make me feel valid, you make me feel like...like I exist, like I actually matter.”

His s/o is crying, and he’s crying, and they’re both going to be emotionally traumatized for a while. Sure, Eddie will get revenge but he’s also going to be having night terrors -- nightmares would be much better than what he experiences at night -- about his s/o dying in gruesome ways while is helpless to do anything. Sometimes, he won’t even be able to sleep because he doesn’t want those ghastly images in his head, and he’ll stay up holding his s/o as they (try) to sleep (they have nightmares of their own after this experience).

He has to come to terms with his first real encounter with the threat of loss, a real loss. He never cared about anyone before because no one ever cared for him. He was used to being ignored, bullied and belittled, and he always had trouble trusting others because of how he was raised. He never had friends, never thought he would need friends because, well, he never had any. Forming emotional attachments was beyond him, as he never had such a relationship with his parents, and that is the first time children are supposed to experience attachment. If your parents don’t love you, you grow up feeling unloved, alone, and don’t understand what it’s like to be close to people, so you just push everyone away and look out for yourself. It makes you selfish just as much as it makes you feel lonely.

But now, Eddie has his s/o, someone who just kind of barged into his life and stole his heart despite his best efforts to not feel anything sentimental because being vulnerable meant he could get hurt, and he didn’t like the idea of forming an attachment only to have it ripped away from him due to the other person’s betrayal. In his eyes, love equals abuse, since that’s the only kind of “love” this Eddie seems to have ever experienced.

It’s going to take a lot of time -- and patience -- for Eddie to deal with this, and he’s going to be watching his s/o like a hawk. They won’t be allowed to go anywhere alone, and definitely not at night. He’ll be very clingy, protective, maybe a little possessive but mostly protective. When he does eventually find a way to calm down, it will actually make him a stronger person emotionally, I think, because he will understand himself better, and he’ll understand the relationship he has with his s/o better. This experience has taught him -- in the most insane and unwelcomed way -- why his s/o is so vital to him, and while attachment like that is almost frightening because of the risk of loss, he doesn’t want to go back to his old life and be alone, being seen as some sort of joke by everyone in Gotham. He doesn’t want to go back to being isolated, left with only his thoughts to comfort him despite his dwindling sanity and self-esteem. He needs to have a reason to press on, and trying to be better than everyone just won’t do it anymore. He needs to be loved, loves to be loved, but is also thrilled to be able to give it in return, whatever the risks may be.

And you know the antagonist is going to be utterly destroyed by Riddlerbots. Or something. Something awful will happen to that person. We know that much.

-------------

Ugh, so let me know what you guys think! This is way out there in left field in terms of portrayal of Arkham Knight Eddie (or just Arkhamverse Eddie in general) but this idea has been stuck in my mind for so long now. Feedback is definitely encouraged and appreciated here because this is such an epic and crazy h/c. Constructive criticism is welcome. Just don’t be mean, please.

#arkham knight riddler #arkhamverse riddler #edward nigma #riddler #the riddler #edward nygma #riddler x o/c #edward nigma x o/c #riddler headcanon #riddler imagine #riddler h/c #edward nygma x oc

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allandoflimbo · 4 years

Text

Ashens (Part 1)

Summary: She falls in love with Bucky Barnes from the moment she sees him. Bucky, still in love with a woman from his past, hates Y/N and plans to make her life miserable. To both their dismay, they are assigned together to go undercover into The Capitol for six months. There, they develop a heartbreaking friend with benefits agreement. Dystopian.

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Chapter Word Count: 2,214

Rating: M for Mature, E for explicit. Enemies to lovers trope, sharing a bed trope, friends with benefits trope, temporarily unrequited love, heavy angry sex, heavy on the angst, and very strong language.

Author’s note: for clarification purposes...the blurb, in the beginning, takes place in the Present. The "Prologue" is just back story on Bucky. You can skip to Chapter 1 if you'd like (just simply scroll past where it reads “Prologue”). Reading the Prologue is not essential, but might be helpful to better understand Bucky's emotions at the beginning of the story. Optional.

This book is split into 3 Parts: "The Society", "The Capitol", and "The Agreement".

Soundtrack | Trailer | Moodboards | Full Masterpage

In a moment of weakness, you can’t help but try to find your building on the horizon made up of glass.

You try to find the room that had been yours for the last six months; the home where he had belittled you countless times.

But also where he’d touched your skin so softly, leaving a trail of fire and heat.

The bedroom where you had given your heart to him in your bed, and where you thought he had given you his.

Prologue

It was 1938 in Brooklyn, and he was just twenty-one years old when his father had died. Consequently, he became an orphan.

Months before, his sister had been taken away from him while he was training at the same camp his father had trained at - Camp Lehigh. The day his father died was also the same day he had met her.

Her name was Daisy.

It was a magical fairytale. He was just outside the Cotton Club when she emerged from inside the Dusenberg J. She had light blonde hair and piercing blue eyes.

She had a pearl and diamond bracelet on her left hand, and her other hand was wrapped up in a prestigious white glove.

Her gown had been sparkling and silver, hugging her body at just perfect places. It showed off her curves gracefully and it was obvious that she was the woman Bucky had been waiting for his entire life.

And so they danced that night to The Way You Look Tonight after she had sipped a dirty Martini.

His hand settled for the small of her back and, as they danced, he took her breath away just like she had his.

Later that night, they ended up in Dumbo in his cheap apartment where they ended up sharing their first kiss.

Ella Fitzgerald’s voice was playing on his record player in the background as he laid her onto his bed.

That was also the same night she realized he was a soldier, and that he would soon be leaving her behind.

They fell in love too fast, too strongly. They had only known each other for a few weeks when he proposed to her. He wished he had known it would be the last time he would see her.

He wouldn’t know what he lost until seventy-six years later.

Year: 2021

You needed to escape The Capitol.

The tears are heavy in your throat and it burns from the screaming and crying that you had done earlier in your room. Your right-hand closes and tightens again.

You didn’t think it would get this bad. Not your love for him, nor his boundless hate towards you.

Every dagger, in the form of a word he threw your way, pained you. It hurt the same way it did when you first met him, when you first told him you loved him, and when you first fucked.

He had continued to stare at you with those cold eyes and with that expression that he always saved for you. You filled his eyes with hate and disgust.

How could you have hoped for a change?

He showed you nothing but antipathy, yet you couldn’t pull away. You allowed yourself to believe your self-doubt, thinking he was getting better, and that he was changing. And you were falling for pity; he had been through so much, he just needed to heal, you told yourself.

You had continued to let him hurt you with his words and you let him have his way with your heart and body. It was the only way you could feel him.

Call it desperation or call it love. It wasn’t an obsession, nor a strange case of Stockholm Syndrome. You weren’t his captivate nor his trainee. You were never tied up, and neither was he. He didn’t hold you at gunpoint.

He was on the good side.

He was your partner.

You weren’t forced into what you had done with each other. He would never hold it against you. You went into it willingly. You and him both knew what you were capable of and that you could have stopped it. He would rather feed you to the wolves, knowing you’d do your very best to free yourself without his help. What happened wasn’t a delusion. It was something else.

And you had allowed it to go on for way too long. You fell in too deep, and you think he knows.

You needed to escape The Capitol.

Keeping your head down as you walk through the howling of the city life, under the monorail and through the heavy puddles, you hear the undeniable whispering. You had to be fast.

There’s a Coroner out of your peripheral. He wore his traditional black garment, boarded by a gold essence that only the Elite could afford. His hair was immaculate, but his eyes filled with uncertain rage. For half of a second, you think your eyes meet. You’re unsure, looking away as fast as you can.

The scarf on your flesh is soaking from the drizzling rain and now you grow even more nervous. If the Leviathans or Snipers were to even spot a fraction of the tattoo on your neck, you knew you were screwed. You would be dead on the spot and given no opportunity for forgiveness or freedom.

They didn’t believe in jail here. There would be no trial or interrogation; only death. The people of The Capitol watched you as you pushed through the heavy crowds of the subway, under the overpass, and into the dense fog. You knew they were wondering if you were one of the traitors they warned the society members of.

You cursed to yourself as more strands of your hair begged to fall out of your hood, your left fingers aching and trembling as you tried to tuck it back inside. You pull the black hood over your head and wrap your silver scarf around your lower face and neck. It had served as a protective barrier in your life before the mission. It hid your identity well.

The scarf smelled of dust mites and humidity from being packed away in your closet for the last six months. You didn’t need to wear a scarf inside The Capitol. Your thin, gray top reached your upper thighs. Your black pants were soaked against the hot skin of your thighs and it was irritating as you walked.

You shivered, knowing that the shirt would serve you no use of protection outside of The Wall, where you soon would be again. It would not protect you against the winds, the virus, or the ongoing civil war. You would not survive.

Your long, dark gray, cotton overcoat you had harbored for the last few months in our metal getaway box, felt heavy against your aching shoulders. You hadn’t used it since you had to fend for yourself for survival. Dirt and grime of the outer perimeters of this place badly ripped and tainted the seams on the bottom. After months of combat fighting, stress, and other physical activities, your sore muscles were catching up with you. You had allowed yourself to reach this point.

Because of your self-loathing, not because of your enemies or because of Hydra, or because of the people that had killed your family, having caved and hollowed you, but because you loved him.

And now all you could do was give up and run.

You passed the start of the iron gates, started your Stark Tracker, and you ran and ran.

You took every secret pathway that you and Bucky had learned and dissected over the last six months; the ones you trailed together.

It didn’t take long for you to reach the border of The Wall. They made the perimeter up of deep mud and it was thick around your beat-up combat boots, making it harder to walk.

You look down at your feet, glad they were still tied on. You feel a twinge in your heart. You had stolen them a little over a year ago off a poor girl on the side of an abandoned and looted grocery store. She had not made it. As you approached her body, it was apparent that she had been dead for days, but your feet had been unprotected for much longer. These boots have protected you, guided you.

The howling of the voices and the sound of the city were distant as you crawled towards the concrete barrier of the outside. It was massive, and it sent a shiver down your back. You slowed down your pace so the sound of the squelching mud became almost silent. There was nothing but the sound of the rain hitting the mud and the terrifying silence that you all knew that stood behind the wall. A distant howl, if you were quiet enough, maybe also a scream.

It was a wall that had protected you, protected you and Bucky, and that had given you hope for something different from what you had previously experienced. For those six months, because of this wall, there was no fathom or hunger. It kept you alive, and you felt alive.

There was no physical pain. It was just the two of you.

The tears burn heavy in your throat as you look back to the beautiful, yet pure evil, city that you were supposed to overthrow and destroy.

Hydra’s Society.

Eligible only for the elite, the rich, privileged, and those who harbored evil and selfish acts in their hearts. Not all the society members were amoral people, which was something you had learned early on. It was a horrible thing, what Hydra had done. What they had conquered. What they had stolen from your parents. Yet, it was beautiful.

The city comprised of tall glass towers and mesmerizing skyscrapers. A few were still under new renovations, but most were mesmerizing to the eye. Neon lights of the many signs caught the fog in the air, and you watched from afar as the hologram in the sky showed your faces, warning the people of your presence in their territory. It had a blue glow, illuminating even in the dense fog and rain.

You could hear the eery echo of the sound system and the soft hum of Neptune in the sky above, peaking through the heavy clouds. You know they are alerting their people again.

His face is there in the sky along with yours. Your eyes linger on his picture as it turns. He’s gorgeous and capable of sending way too many emotions throughout your body. You were once a forceful girl with a tough skin, and a strong heart. Stubborn and rebellious. But now, you are a disgrace to even yourself.

You close your eyes tightly together as you fist your hand again, pressing your back farther into the massive concrete sheath behind you. It’s cold and you feel it through the fabric of your coat. It was at least three hundred feet up into the sky, powerful enough that not even a nuke could breakthrough. You had doubted it for years, but now, feeling it behind you, you knew it wasn’t just a rumor.

Your mom and dad knew what they were doing.

The heavy rain pellets felt like hard stones on your heated flesh. Your hand sizzled with that feeling: attack, revenge, avenge, love; heal. But you couldn’t, not anymore. After stooping you so low, and after so many months of pure hatred and hostility, his words worked, and you allowed yourself to believe them.

You had to leave The Capitol.

Your eyes dart up towards the guarded gates at the top of the wall. You see several of The Officers and Minesweepers, already on heavy patrol for the fugitives, the cowardly, the traitors; the hunt for you both. You are afraid.

You knew your Stark Tracker could only keep you shielded for ninety seconds, which is why you had waited so long to even activate it. The stupors and generals could catch you at any moment if it were to fade, but that’s the least of your worries as you pull your hood higher above your head, tightening it with the scarf.

You couldn’t risk being seen if the tracker were to expire too soon. Your black boots splash in the mud that cave into the wall.

With tears still running down your cheeks, you turn around one more time to watch the power that Hydra had become. Towering in beauty and made up of skyscrapers that touched the clouds.

Part of you feels guilty as you remember his touch.

He was so broken.

You try not to think about how far he had come; you both had come, because you can’t let emotions cloud your judgment of what he really is. Not anymore.

He’s heartless. He’s... your chest grows tight.

No, no.

You had become so angry that you couldn't control your emotions any longer. It had almost cost you your cover. But you no longer cared about the mission.

This was all Bucky’s mission now to complete. Without you.

Just like he always wanted.

So you ran.

I don’t believe that anybody, feels the way I do, about you now.

Part 2

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky x you #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes series #bucky barnes AU #bucky barnes fanfic #marvel fanfiction #winter soldier fanfic #winter soldier fanfiction #bucky barnes dystopian #bucky x reader series #Ashens #Alandoflimbo #allandoflimbo #ashens part 1

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thechangeling · 3 years

Text

Out of our heads Out of our minds

So evil writer brain decided to cook up and incredibly toxic kitty fic because apparently I'm a terrible person lol. Blame @ilikebooks8 for letting this see the light of day.

The title is based on the song Out of this world by Bush.

Cw: slightly nsfw, violence, cheating, incredibly toxic behavior, beloved characters making bad choices, and implied sex.

Kit returns.

He returns to Ty with the same dazzling smile and charming witt, only now he seems to have grown even more impossibly beautiful as time has passed.

Now he's all hard lines and defined muscles and piercing sinful blue eyes that make Ty so angry he could scream.

Kit laughs and Ty wants to tear his insides out. Wants to rip Kit's heart right out if his chest just like he did to Ty. The painful gnawing rage of a betrayal that still stings after all this time. And yet still, Ty heard Kit was in danger and he came running like a man obsessed.

Ty knows deep down now matter how angry he is, he could never let anything happen to Kit. Nothing permanent anyways. Sometimes when the ache becomes to difficult to bare, Ty imagines punching that stupid smirk right off of his face. Or choking him hard enough to leave bruises. Of course Ty would never actually do such a thing. The sight of Kit in pain, any sort of pain is just too unbearable.

And that's the worst part. No matter how angry Ty gets he knows it can't last. And no matter how painful it is to be near Kit again, he still feels this unexplainable pull. This whispering in his ear to get closer and closer. To reach out and touch.

But it's stupid, and it's wrong anyways because Ty already has someone. Anush who was by his side the whole time at the scholomance and has never betrayed him. Anush who is sweet and thoughtful and gorgeous. Ty should be happy. After all, wasn't this what he always wanted? Someone to be there for him?

So he tried to distract himself from Kit by throwing himself into spending time with Anush and working the case. That's all Kit was now, just the latest problem to solve. A supernatural disaster. They would save him and stop the oncoming war and everything would be fine.

And then Kit would be gone. Blind panic teared at Ty's insides at the thought. There were these moments with Kit where they would make eye contact, or they would bump into each other in the kitchen and their fingers would brush and Ty would just desperately want to wrap Kit in his arms again.

He wanted to ask if Kit had really meant what he said that day on the beach. Sometimes when Kit stared at him with that soft sad smile on his face Ty wondered if they were going through similar things. Sometimes Ty wanted to tell him that he wished he had never met Kit either.

Kit Herondale was dangerous and unpredictable and loving him was like holding a live wire. But funnily enough the same could probably be said about Ty. Especially lately.

He felt like he was constantly in pain. Like his body ached with invisible wounds that made it impossible to breathe. The world was brutal and unforgiving, berating him with constant noise and blinding lights jabbing hot pokers into his brain. And the people with their sickly sweet smiles as they demanded he bare his soul.

But what if there was nothing left anymore? What if his soul had died with Livvy? Ty tried to cling onto the things that made him feel better. He hid away in his favorite spot, listening to his favorite music and pouring over Sherlock. Repeating the words to himself over and over again like they could pull him out of this tailspin. Ty distracted himself with Anush's sweet kisses and wandering hands as he tried to turn his brain off for once in his life.

But his soul was screaming out for another person to be the one touching him. He wanted Kit and that was infuriating. It made no logical sense. Not only was Kit responsible for breaking his heart but he also was notorious for playing fast and loose with his own life. Ty couldn't spend all his time constantly feeling like his heart was living outside of his body. Constantly in danger of being ripped open by some dark and evil thing.

Ty had everything he thought he wanted. But it still wasnt enough.

During another sleepless night, Ty found himself wandering the institutes halls. At this point he was simply just overtired. Too many nights spent worrying or studying or reading instead of sleeping. Now his body doesn't remember how to rest. Ty was far too exhausted to operate on logic or reason so he found himself standing outside of Kit's door, wondering absentmindedly how he got there.

Ty placed his hand against the door, fighting the urge to open it and walk through. He can remember the first time he waited outside of Kit's door, just like it was yesterday. He had no idea at the time why he was so drawn to the mysterious boy who had shown up at the institute after Ty had threatened him with a knife. The boy who turned out to be a lost Herondale. And honestly after all of this time Ty still couldn't explain it.

This is a bad idea, He thought to himself as he slowly turned the doorknob. This is a terrible idea. Ty, driven by pure need like fire under his skin, pushed the door open.

Kit was awake as Ty suspected he would be, sitting by the window and staring out into the night sky. Under the moonlight he was glowing. He turned around to stare at Ty, first with a look of shock, and then that same hallow desperation Ty had been seeing on Kit's face lately.

He also looked angry.

"What the hell are you doing in here Ty?" He sounded exhausted. Ty almost felt guilty in a sense. He stared at Kit for a moment, unsure of what to say.

"I don't know," he whispered, staring at the ground. "I suppose I was compelled." Ty let his gaze slowly rise up Kit's body, drinking it in.

Kit scoffed harshly. "Compelled? By what exactly, Tiberius?"

Ty looked up at Kit's face in surprise. He rarely called Ty by his full name. Ty really didn't like how it felt. Cold and distant. Ty sighed, pushing his fingertips against his collarbone and tracing it slightly.

"I don't know. I guess I just needed to know. I need to know why you left me." Ty tried not to let himself sound desperate or weak, but he had become worn down by this point. He couldn't keep up his defenses much longer.

"Why didn't you want me?" He muttered. "Why wasn't I good enough?"

And there it was. The painful truth that Ty had been avoiding. The fact that Kit had tossed him aside just like so many had before. Like Paige. Like his father. He had always tried so hard to make people happy. To live up to their expectations. But in the end it didn't matter how hard he tried, sometimes there was just no pleasing certain people.

Sometimes it seemed like there was no point in being good and following the rules if nothing ever changed. If Ty always ended up in the same place. If people always saw him as a problem or an inconvenience or worse, then he could just live up to their expectations. Be selfish and cold and cruel because no amount of begging and smiling was going to earn him respect.

Kit glared at him in shock. "Who the hell do you think you are? Coming in here to play mind games with me?" Before Ty could register what was happening, Kit was storming towards him and shoving him up against the wall with a loud thunk.

The feeling of Kit touching him again after all this time was dizzying. Kit was shorter then him so he needed to crane his neck a little to look up at Ty, which meant that his throat was completely exposed for Ty to stare at.

"I told you how I felt and you did nothing! You ignored me!" Kit cried. "I wanted you more then I've ever wanted anything Ty! I still do!" Tears were streaming down his face. Ty stared at Kit, completely frozen. His wrists were pinned to the wall by Kit's hands and their faces were inches apart.

Ty struggled to collect himself. "I didn't know what was going on," he gasped out shakily. "I was a mess Kit. I just had to get her back. But-." He cut himself off. It was all for nothing. Ty had lost Livvy in the end and he had lost Kit as well.

Ty shook his head. "Does this mean that you love me?" His voice sounded so far away. Like the words were being pulled from some unexpected place within him. Kit let out a soft gasp and squeezed his eyes shut before fixing his expression into a blank slate. He leaned forward slightly so that their lips were just barely touching, then gently trailed his mouth across Ty's cheek to his ear.

Ty felt him smirk slightly before Kit whispered in his ear. "Go to sleep Ty. Go back to your boyfriend."

And before Ty had time to think, he was lashing out. He shoved Kit backwards as hard as he could with a snarl. Kit went flying across the room and slammed into the opposite wall. If Kit had been human it probably would have knocked him out. Ty stared in horror at what he had done as Kit clutched his ribs and groaned.

"You seriously have some anger management issues!" Kit snapped at him, glaring pointedly. Ty knew that. When he was younger he used to have fits of uncontrollable rage all the time. Words didnt come easily to him so he would hit, scratch, bite or throw whatever was closest to make people realize he was in pain. When he wanted to say "don't touch me" or "you hurt my feelings" but he just could make the words form properly, he would get angry. And then he would lash out.

Ty thought he had been getting better at managing his emotions and communicating. But there was something about Kit Herondale that just evaporated every last bit of logic and reason he had until all that was left was the urge to scream.

Ty gaped in shock, searching for the right thing to say. "By the angel Kit, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that I swear!" He pleaded. His fingers were beginning to shake and flutter at his sides. He tapped desperately against his thigh, scratching at the material of his sweatpants to try and calm himself down.

Kit just shook his head and laughed humourlessly. "Honestly Ty, we should just tell the Seelie Queen not to worry. And Janus, and all the other people who want the first heir dead. You'll destroy me just fine on your own." He gaze was piercing and ruthless.

Ty's breathing was frantic and erratic as he shook in agony. He could feel he was on the urge of a meltdown.

Kit pulled himself to his feet. He stared at Ty longingly and then smiled slightly. A genuine smile. "But honestly what a way to go. Does that answer your question sweetheart?"

Ty gasped soundlessly, his hands shaking at his sides. He fought to get a hold of himself. Kit studied Ty for a moment, then slowly began to approach him.

"Why are you here Ty? Why did you come here exactly?" Kit was speaking in a soft lulling voice as if he was trying to hypnotize Ty.

"I'm here because I miss you," Ty admitted. "It's confusing. Because I'm still mad at you. But I can't stop thinking about you." Ty felt as though he was close to crying, which was concerning because he rarely ever cried.

Only for Kit.

Kit scowled at him slightly. "You're with someone else, remember?"

Guilt instantly pierced through Ty's chest. "Yeah I know, I'm a terrible person," he said bitterly. He didn't want to admit to himself that he had been trying this whole time to distract himself from Kit. That he was using Anush. But that was technically true. Ty saw the opportunity to lose himself in a pretty boy with an honest smile who loved him wholeheartedly.

Ty thought he could forget but then here he was. All roads led to Kit Herondale.

Kit sighed and reached for Ty, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close. "You arent terrible. You're spiraling. And you come to me like I can save you from yourself? Please," Kit chuckled. "I can barely save myself."

"I don't need you to save me."

Kit stared at him with an expression that was hard to place. Then he smiled, but it wasnt a kind smile. It was a satisfied, knowing smirk. Kit traced his thumb under Ty's chin then back up to his lips, forcing them to part slightly.

"You think I don't know why you're here love?" He cooed in a voice that was both soothing and alluring. You think I don't know what you're after?" Kit sighed, sounding a little worn down. "If I was a better person, a stronger person. I would tell you to leave." He dipped his hands down underneath Ty's shirt.

Ty shivered at the cold feeling against his skin. He dropped his forhead down to lean against Kit's, revealing in the contact. "Lucky for you," Kit whispered against his lips, "I'm not."

Ty felt the last string of his self control snap as he kissed Kit roughly, grabbing onto his torso and pulling him closer. Kit responded to the kiss eagerly, parting his lips for Ty and laughing deliriously as their lips met again and again.

Kit was tearing off Ty's shirt as he walked him backwards, closer to the bed. As soon as he had slid it off if Ty's body, Kit tossed the shirt aside and went back to kissing him. Ty felt his knees hit the bed frame and he fell backwards onto the soft welcoming mattress, pulling Kit down with him.

Kit kissed a line down Ty's neck to his pulse point and Ty groaned, burying his fingers in Kit's curls. He was lost in a sea of pure desperation.

"Tell me to stop," Kit whispered between kisses. Ty froze for a moment. Then he understood.

Kit was giving him an out.

Ty responded by pulling Kit even closer and letting his head fall back against the pillows.

He closed his eyes and let Kit Herondale ruin him.

The morning after was the hardest. Ty pulled himself from Kit's arms and forced himself not to look back.

And that was when he finally cried.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

WHAT THE HELL FAE! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS OMG 😭

#tsc #tda #the dark artifices #kit x ty #kit herondale #ty blackthorn #twp #tw violence #tw cheating #cw toxic behavior #cw toxic relationship

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