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wildlife4life · 9 months

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Fuck-It Friday

Tagged by the wonderful @prince-buck-diaz and @jesuisici33

Another tag day means another snippet of NFL Buck for ya'll. This fic has no end in sight yet, but good news, it is being consistently worked on! So hope this tides you all over.

“Nothing is ever going to be more awkward than our first date, even though you didn’t call it a date until after you kissed me that night.” Eddie reminded. Buck smirked, “I am still surprised that I was able to accomplish that. Considering you were subconsciously trying to sabotage the entire evening the moment you walked in.” Eddie scoffed, “I was not!” “Dude-“ “Don’t call me dude. You don’t call the man you frequently make tender love to, dude.” Eddie reprimands. Evan rolls his eyes, “There was nothing tender with the way I fucked you up against the dresser yesterday morning.” Eddie smacks his arm in retaliation, earning a devilish grin that quickly softened, “You’re right. But I’m right about the sabotage. You walk in and without a single greeting blurt out you’re not gay, snap at me about not being gay, argue my own sexual orientation, and then instead of telling me your favorite color or where you were born as facts about you, you tell me you have a wife and kid. Then got upset with me when I got upset.” “And then I cleared everything up! And apologized!” Eddie defended. “You kept bringing up Christopher, and his CP and all his appointments and the time you didn’t have because of your extra shifts to pay for everything. Even after I told you I love kids, that his CP would never make me think lesser of him, and even tried to find common ground with the whole busy schedule thing.” Buck recalls. Eddie huffed in mock outrage because yea, their first date was very awkward because of all that and more, but it wasn’t until much later he could admit he was trying to sabotage the evening. Hell, it wasn’t the only time he did it either. Eddie mentally dragged his feet for several dates before Buck called him out on it and broke up with him. The breakup lasted for less than 24 hours. In that time span, Eddie had a break down on Tommy’s back porch, argued about therapy, set up an appointment with the VA and even researched therapists that could help with the whole repression thing. On hour 22 of their breakup, it was Eddie who invited Buck to Red’s Door, along with an extra special guest. Introducing Christopher was his way of telling Evan that he was committing himself not only to being with the quarterback, but also to bettering himself, for himself. Not just Christopher or for Buck. For him. And here is he today. Lying in bed with his shirtless boyfriend of almost 10 years, openly admitting to his coworkers he is gay and laughing about the whole ordeal with said boyfriend. No panic in sight. Just warmth, and love, and jovial delight. Just like that evening all those years ago with Buck’s bright demeanor at just seeing Eddie, he wanted to chase those feelings and again he did. This time he followed it all the way into a soft kiss that had them melting into each other. Eddie pulled just an inch away and murmured, “Let me make it up to you?” Buck smiles, “Nothing to make up for.” He gives Eddie a quick peck, “But making tender love with you dude is something I will never turn down.” Eddie narrowly avoided another awkward conversation his next shift, just barely getting his t-shirt over his head before Chimney walked in, and hiding all the evidence from his ‘tender love making’ with Buck.

Hope all you dudes enjoyed!😉

Tagging (no pressure!): @thewolvesof1998, @transbuck, @alyxmastershipper @wikiangela, @911onabc, @911-on-abc, @forthewolves @hippolotamus @lizzybizzyzzz @thekristen999 @bekkachaos @homerforsure @sibylsleaves @cowboy-buddie @ebdaydreamer @monsterrae1

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tagedeszorns · 1 year

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Coming to terms with stuff

The first thing I come to terms with is that Tumblr has somehow blacklisted me. I've been told that you can't find my posts (unless someone who follows me has reblogged them) and that you can only see my blog if you follow me. Interesting. I guess it has to do with the fact that I post Mature Content. And that I apparently use tags deemed problematic by Tumblr. Which means I don't really need to be surprised that I get virtually no interaction anymore if no one (or very few) reblog my pictures. Because apparently I only exist on a very limited scale now. Well, there's nothing I can do about that. Then that's just the way it is.

That's reassuring in a way, because it means that I'm not suddenly drawing so crappy that nobody cares anymore, but that I'm just not drawing well enough for enough people to reblog it and thus avoid the shadowban.

It's still a major dickmove by Tumblr - but until the anti-sexuality climate in America changes for the better again, there's nothing I can do about it.

The second thing I'm trying to come to terms with now is that Warhammer fandom seems to be moving away from Tumblr. My feed is getting emptier. I see fewer amusing rants, fewer completely weird headcanons, hardly any "hey, I wrote a fanfic, check it out!" posts, and far fewer new pictures from fanartists.

Or, who knows - maybe all these other content creators are shadowbanned like me? Maybe Tumblr has muted them too?

I guess it's like everywhere else: fandom is moving to Discord. And that's where I can't follow.

For me, Discord is a sensory overload of a thousand messages that I can't cope with. It first confuses me, then exhausts me and finally makes me aggressive. It's just too much. It's like standing in a central station at rush hour and not having headphones to block it all out. So now I am excluded from this new medium that unites so many fans.

I'm not asking for it to go back to "the way it used to be". I just have to come to terms with the fact that I'm not really in fandom any more, even though I'd like to be. I'm waving from outside and hoping for reports from friends who still catch things.

And the last thing I want to come to terms with is that the things I particularly love and find interesting in the Warhammer universe are not shared by many others. No matter how often and enthusiastically I hold up my Blorbos and shower them with glitter - they are and remain uninteresting to the majority of other fans. Fulgrim is the most likely to be Flavour of the Month, but I'm more interested in his Legion than in him, even though I love his tragic, dramatic and monstrous aspects (and even those are things that meet with very few other fans' approval).

I am happy that I have found friends whom I can bombard with my ideas and images. And from whom I get their ideas and works in return. That's great and fun.

But still … it's like we say in Germany: Früher war mehr Lametta! ("there used to be more tinsel.")

I want to make do with the little tinsel I have and be happy.

That is a little like Zen!

Accurate depiction of me drawing Lucius and Saul.

#Warhammer #Fandom #Community #Tumblr #Meta #Coming to Terms

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greyaugustuspoetry · 1 year

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Pondering Dad

What I remember of my father,

Is pain and beer

What I remember of my father,

Is anger and fear

There was probably love

Mixed around somewhere

But when it was expressed

It wasn’t fair

I hate that I remember,

The faults and cries

Because I like to think when he was young

There was kindness in his eyes

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b-ryj · 3 months

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a part of me is stuck in the past

and most days, it's all of me

#i write #poetry #poetry and prose #writing #journal #diary #dear diary #digital diary #poems #female writers #past lives #memory #memories #move on #moving on #coming to terms #living in the past

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melancholicdavi · 11 days

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I can't wait to see the twinkle in your eyes,

Knowing you're going to see him again.

After spending our evenings listening to the somber sounds on the wind

I've realised what we had in those moments was golden

And as you awake to the birds singing hymns at your window,

The feint sound of the kettles whistle in the kitchen

You turn to see the sunlight eek through the break you left in the curtains,

Passing along their form

Adorning their beauty with a hue so singular yet impalpable.

You've never been in the presence of such divine inspiration,

The gods are jealous of your eyes.

Anpao's dawn resonating in every fiber of your iris

I hope you feel at home in this moment

With endless emotion running from your cheeks to the soles of your feet

Darling with him may your soul be at peace.

#poetry #me #spoken word #loss #realisation #original poem #Grief #sadness #Happiness #Coming to terms

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pansextastic · 3 months

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Paul is now in Brian Epstein's, and in his arms. McCartney is determined to be stubborn, but then John comes into the room.

#fanfiction #the beatles #fanfic #beatles fan #paul mccartney #brian epstein #john lennon #john and paul #mclennon conspiracy #mclennon fanfiction #mclennon #so sweeeeeeeeeet #coming to terms #emotional #emotional hurt/comfort

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alberta-sunrise · 1 year

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Starting to feel like myself again… here’s hoping next year will be my year

#me #selfie #green eyes #blonde #nose piercing #eye makeup #miscarriage #coming to terms

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pherruhcreates · 1 year

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I want to write a collection of short stories based on idioms. So far I only have two in mind:

1. Losing my shit

2. Coming to terms

#short story #short story prompts #losing my shit #coming to terms #writing prompts

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remuziguezz · 8 months

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Something I've came to terms with lately is the "you don't owe them anything" thingy.

It's both sides. If someone ghosts you they do not owe you an explanation. Sure you probably want one. And you'll probably do anything for an explanation. But they do not owe it to you. Just like how if you ghosted someone you don't owe them a reason why. Hell, there might not even be a reason why. You just did it. Yeah most of the time it's shitty for someone to ghost you but I mean, that's their problem and it might have nothing to do with you. But remember, they do not owe you a reason why.

#reminders #reminder #you don't owe anyone anything #ghosting #coming to terms

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poemsbyrhymmi · 11 months

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Backgrounds on “Remembering” and “Dreaming in Blonde”

Both of these poems are pieces that I really love - both written in 2022, the initial about the same boy I wrote “uncomfortable silence” about and the latter written/based on myself, as I’ve slowly been coming to my senses with my sexuality and as I’m still coming to terms with who I am as a person. I absolutely love the first and last verses of “dreaming…”, because I think it captures my mind in an incredible way - or at least the best way I could at the time of writing.

“Sleepless night are out of purpose

Clouds coming down on my head

But the dreams are ever changing

And I am left on my bed”

those last lines of that poem are some of my favorite I’ve written of all time, and for some reason they took me quite a while to come up with. The poem was basically finished for some months with the exception of those lines - I had written it in like half an hour to an hour just without those four lines and I couldn’t come up with the right ending to it for the longest time. When it did finally arrive I had felt sooo relieved, because even though these lines may be pretty simple, I love the way the capture the universal feeling of feeling scared of growing up.

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aquarianrage · 2 years

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Losing a parent is like losing half of the heart. Especially when it’s happening before your eyes. My sweet mother, things weren’t always good between us. We had our ups and downs but, this is a down that hit me unexpectedly. Like a huge stomp to the face.

The one responsible for my being, who taught me all the etiquette and manners In the book. Why does it have to be your turn, and so quick.

Like honestly the way I feel if I can be frank.

How tf am I supposed to cope with this on top of being with child?

#cancersucks #irl stuff #grieving #processing #coming to terms #losing a parent #ultra weird

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dellb1969 · 1 year

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1981-82

While my home life was becoming more stable with my parents being more responsible and stepping into their parental roles, my personal life was still spinning out of control and about to become even more complicated.

My alcoholism was set to take over after my sexual abuse was coming to an unknowing end. At the age of thirteen, I was too old and I was becoming aggressive. It was a defense mechanism of trying to be less desirable, I would run the gamut of trying to find ways in doing this.

I ran away from home a lot in my pre adolescence, often staying away for days at a time. I liken it to those donkey boys from Pinocchio and running throughout the town late at night, drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes and stealing food or clothing.

The adolescents that I chose to hang out with were street smart and tough, I wanted to be like them, to have that kind of confidence. They knew how to manipulate situations and people, they could play a heartstring so well.

In moments of calm or when trying to navigate a next step we would relate in ways that seemed so natural, about abuse, emotional, physical and sexual. I was drawn to them, like kindred spirits in survival.

They were three years older than me, I looked up to them, but I kept myself protected, even from them. To them I was just another disposable person in their lives, after that school year they drifted away or were sent away. I went back to school and did my best to grow from my experiences with them. In time they would each be locked up for most of their young and even adult lives.

I had my first drink of alcohol and I liked it, I felt older, mature. I could relate to people better, I kept myself in check as to not act so foolish. I had been around enough drunks to know what that was like and knew that it wasn’t popular behavior. I read facial expressions and learned attitudes, prepared myself for the unexpected.

I knew that I was gay at this age, drinking helped me perfect a protective barrier. But, contradictory it also allowed me to relax in the same way, this would come into play later in life. In my life, I wasn’t allowed to just be… my soul hurt and I was incomplete as a human being. Mostly I felt like an orphan or an outsider to my loved ones, often invisible.

To say that my young life was difficult during this time is an understatement of great proportion. I was in my formative years and my absolute confusion led to more alcohol abuse.

I was an alcoholic at a very young age.

#childhoodsurvivor #childhood abuse #childhoodtrauma #emotionalabuse #emotionaltrauma #physicalabuse #sexualabuse #sexualtrauma #coming to terms

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wordsonmars · 2 years

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There’s bile in my throat

And pain in my bones

And love in my soul

A life on parole

There’s an ache in my chest

And my body wants rest

And I scream out in the snow

I let you go

There’s dark in the night

And every day is a fight

And I wish I could hide

A part of me died

There’s ghosts all alone

And spirits with no home

And a life to be lived

Just myself to forgive

#original poem #short poetry #anxienty #chronic pain #self pity #coming to terms

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realityescapee01 · 2 years

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4 Weeks (part 5)

part 1 , part 2 , part 3 , part 4

Harry x Tao

"I don't want it!!!" Harry shouted. Startling Tao. Enough to stop him from walking out.

"Turn around, look straight to my eyes, and tell me what's happening here!" Harry, again, touched Tao on his waist ever so gently.

Tao hated it. It felt so comforting to him and yet at the same time so confusing. He wanted this 4 weeks to be over. Harry is his first guy crush and it sucks that he doesn't have a chance.

Or so he thinks.

Harry noticed the changes after their museum trip. He feels sad that Tao is guarded again around him. The banters, he could take, but the distance, the wall, he couldn't. It might be invisible but he felt it. No more small talks, movie talks, ice cream or milkshake talks, just pure tutor-student treatment. Tao is keeping him at a distance. For a reason he doesn't know but wanted to. He needs to know what he did wrong. What ever happened.

He watched Tao get in the car that would take him home for the day. Harry thought he was making progress. He thought back at what Tao said. That he had paid for 4 weeks of Tao's time as a tutor. For weekdays.

Maybe he was out of line for hanging out with Tao on weekends. Asking Tao to watch movies with him. Play games with him. Asking him to spend extra time with him after their tutor sessions. Did he crossed something he shouldn't? Everything was okay before the museum trip.

Harry paced in his room, thinking he had made considerable progress with Tao and Charlie. They were cool and pretty fun to be with. They were becoming friends. Right? Or was he the only one thinking it?

He let out a sigh and massaged his temples. The past few days were a mess. A few moments, him and Tao were okay. And then suddenly, as if Tao remembers something, Tao would be distant. Quiet and snarky to him. Sometimes he catches Tao looking at him and whenever he reacts, Tao looks away. It was driving Harry mad. He doesn't know if Tao is angry or not.

He kept thinking back to their museum trip. And listed things he did that might've pissed Tao off. He went with his rugby friends for a while. Then when he came back, Snarky Tao was out. Biting him off or ignoring him.

He hated it. He doesn't want Tao to get mad at him. He doesn't want to be strangers with Tao again. He wants Tao with him. All the time.

'Wait! What the fuck did I just think? Tao... Tao?' Harry suddenly felt nervous. He was seriously scared of his mind. Why did he think that? He wanted Tao with him? All the time?

Harry walked back to his bed and laid down. Staring at the ceiling, he remembered how Nick started with Charlie. Nick was a mess too that time. Always out staring off.

'Why Am I thinking this?!? We're not Nick and Charlie! I'm not gay!... right?' Harry grabbed his pillow and squeezed it.

Truth be told, he did question his sexuality before. Because he was staring at his teammates in the lockers while they're changing or showering. Staring at their waist a lot. That's how he noticed Tao actually. He noticed how small Tao's waist is. And he touches it whenever he can. Sliding his hand on it, holding it with both of his hands as he move Tao out of his way to his room. Those little things. He hoped Tao didn't notice. And it seemed like it because Tao never commented on it.

And he never had a crush on a girl before. Ever. No one. He just didn't. Harry sat up suddenly. "Am I... no way!" Harry squeezed the pillow tighter and started biting his nails. "...Am I?"

Harry then grabbed his laptop and started googling.

---

The next day, Harry was with the car that fetches Tao from home to school.

"Hey."

"!!! Good morning, Harry." Tao greeted as he got in. "No training this morning?"

"No, the season's over."

Tao just nodded. The drive to school was quiet. Harry would try to open up a conversation but Tao would answer with just one word or two. They arrived at school, the driver parked too close to one side so they had to come out of only one door side. Harry stepped out first followed by Tao.

As Tao stepped out, Harry placed his hand on his back sliding it to Tao's waist. Tao pursed his lips and just let Harry touch his waist. He gets out of the car completely and stood up straight. They started walking into the halls, Harry's hand sliding off of his waist as they take steps forward.

Tao walked Harry to his classroom as usual. Took lunch with him a usual. And went home with him to tutor as usual. They had dinner together as usual. And Tao is being driven home as usual. But Harry is sick of it.

"I don't want it!!!" Harry shouted. Startling Tao. Enough to stop him from walking out.

"Turn around, look straight to my eyes, and tell me what's happening here!" Harry, again, touched Tao on his waist ever so gently.

Tao hated it. It felt so comforting to him and yet at the same time so confusing. He wanted this 4 weeks to be over. Harry is his first guy crush and it sucks that he doesn't have a chance.

"Harry..." Tao turned and faced Harry. He noted how Harry's eye color looks so vivid in this lighting. "...You wouldn't understand, Harry."

"Understand what?" Harry was genuinely confused. "A few weeks back we're okay. Then suddenly you're cold to me. What happened?"

"Like I said, you wouldn't understand, Harry."

"How would I understand if you don't tell me! I thought we're doing okay. I thought we're starting to be friends."

Tao just smiled at that statement and got in the car to go home. Harry stomped back into his room and called Nick. He noticed Tao and Nick got closer this past days.

"Hey, Harry."

"Nick, what's up with Tao?"

"Uhm... what do you mean?"

"He hates me!"

"Uhm... what exactly happened?"

Harry proceeded to tell Nick about Tao's change towards him. And what Tao said before going home today. Nick was quiet a while he doesn't really know what to say. He doesn't wanna tell Harry because it is not his place to tell. Tao should be the one to tell Harry about his developing feelings.

"Harry, listen. Tao's going through something very personal right now."

"And what is that?"

"I can't tell you, Harry. Please, understand."

"Fine... But he is okay, right?"

"He is."

---

The next day, same thing, Harry and Tao going to school together. And Harry still trying to have a long conversation. And Tao is either, one to two words reply or snarky, strong worded comments. And then later at lunch or noon break, Tao would be okay, they'd talk and Tao is more receptive and kinder. And then he'd be snarky and irritated again. It was driving Harry mad.

But Harry remembered what Nick said and just let Tao do his thing. But what Harry doesn't know is that Tao is also being driven mad by all of it. He feels good that Harry is concerned about him and is making efforts but also it's making him hold onto hope that maybe there is something. Harry has grown to be precious to Tao.

His mind is a mess. Harry's mind is a mess. And so is Charlie and Nick's

"Nick! I wanna help them out!" Charlie hugged Nick. "Have you talked to Harry yet?"

"I can't get a good time."

"Ugh! I can't stand this. I'm gonna make time!"

Charlie gets up and set out to find Harry. They rugby season is done but they still have end of class practice. Charlie saw Harry in their locker room. On his phone... googling something.

Charlie's eyes widened when he read what Harry was googling...

thank you. more on my master list here

-+-+-+ ( to be continued ) +-+-+-

part 6 here

I also have an AO3 account

Like the gifs used here? See source under them. Reblog, do not repost. Thank you all gif creators here ♥️

#heartstopper #harry x tao #hartao #tarry #hao #harry greene #tao xu #charlie spring #nick nelson #coming to terms #nick and charlie

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potsmokingweirdo · 2 years

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Sometimes it takes sticking your head out the window to better appreciate the stars to understand that it’s ok if this isn’t real. If this is a simulation, that’s ok. They gave us stars and dogs. The ability to feel love and happiness. The ability to feel the wind and warmth. And to exist in every climate. Even if none of it was real, it was for me, right? I existed and felt this and even if one day someone shuts off the game and my consciousness comes to a random end, I still will have existed. I still will have had this experience. Even if no one exists to remember me and my energy has returned to its roots, I existed. In a billion years, I still existed. I existed in a time to see cars and tumblr and the first pictures of black holes and domesticated dogs. For me, there has never been a better moment to exist.

#the world is a simulation #nothing is real #i’m ok now #coming to terms #acceptance #existential thoughts #existential musings

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inkskinned · 9 months

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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

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