#my mental health is important and seeking help does not make me weak or less than.

[letsplayballet]

alright, losing my mind about october 3rd in my persona 5 royal replay in 3, 2, 1, go!

first off, this whole thing SUCKS. hearing the vice principle talk about a dead girl and her grieving sister as "wastes of effort" is so infuriating i don't have the words. why is this school the absolute worst (but also why isn't is further out of the realm of possibility)

but onto the important bits that i missed my first run through:

starting off strong is this tasty piece of dialogue, bc that's the problem, isn't it? sumire *isn't* kasumi, even when she thinks she is. she's still anxious and unsure, still unsatisfied with herself to the point of having significant mental health issues (though sumire-as-kasumi is headed towards perfection-seeking overworked burnout, instead of her more typical major depression).

side note: the fact that maruki insists she's better off like this really shows that he thinks about pain and trauma very... shallowly? i guess would be the word? it's very surface level, instant gratification stuff. is she less actively suicidal? yeah! is she actually better? of course not! bc she is *still sumire* and still has those thought patterns and instincts that lead her to that mindset, but instead of having the tools to deal with those thoughts in a healthy manner she has an "i'm happy and perfect :)" mask that she feels she has to live up to. repression isn't healing. maruki do your fucking job challenge.

anyway.

so we get the keywords from her pep talk and a random couple, get sucked into the palace, and hunt her down to find her confronting what you THINK is her dead sister your first run, but is pretty obviously sumire herself on repeat plays:

this dialogue didn't make a lot of sense to me my first run, to the point i forgot it was there, but DAMN does it hit this time. her guilt over her sister's death, her complete inability to face it, is VERY apparent. sumire gets so upset over seeing maruki's cognitive version of her, and you really get the impression that she's not even sure *why* she's so upset. sure, it's her dead "sister", but we've already seen her brush that off pretty easily the first time we went to odiba. and given the headache she gets right after, it's pretty clear the real sumire is close to breaking out of the kasumi mask.

and when the shadow attacks the cognitive sumire, she goes down easy.

which is indicative of something maruki says in the third semester: that he thinks sumire is TOO WEAK to handle her own trauma. that the only way she can live at all, much less happily, is by being someone else entirely. that sumire *doesn't even deserve a chance to try*.

... this is NOT the post for my rant about maruki's god complex and how it undermines any "help" he's supposedly trying to offer, but these images are here just so you know it exists

luckily, sumire is able to fight back:

and i do think this is elements of the actual sumire coming through! i'm not sure if sumire's idealized version of kasumi would be fazed enough by criticism to get angry about it. and we know their promise to each other about gymnastics is important to sumire, especially as the only sister left to fill it. if i'm remembering her third semester confidant stuff right, it seems to be one of the few totally positive memories she has of her sister, even with how much pain constantly being compared to kasumi in gymnastics has brought her.

and these pieces of sumire breaking through the brainwashing are probably why she's able to awaken to a persona, even though she literally has no idea who she actually is (and thus shouldn't be able to confront her true self and get one). ESPECIALLY since her persona references the fact that she's not herself!

i did not manage to grab "if those really are the shoes you've chosen..." but that also applies, as does the fact that her hair comes down for her transformation (the way sumire wears it, instead of kasumi's ponytail) but is put back up by the end.

this got, uh. long. but the point is i love her dearly and maruki can go fuck himself.

#quinn (re)plays p5r #this took longer than i expected it to whoops! #but here's my thoughts #it's a much better twist than i think i gave the game credit for initially? well foreshadowed and executed #this isn't even everything i wanted to say i just want to be done with the post #sumire yoshizawa #p5r #p5

[senseicowpoke]

October 18, 2023

TW: Suicide

As I sit here in front of my computer, I can't help but feel the weight of the anniversary that looms over me. It's been fourteen years since my best friend took her own life and the ache in my heart is still as raw as it was on that day. Being from a small town like ours, mental health was often swept under the rug, and anyone struggling with it was immediately labeled as "crazy." But I'm here to tell you that mental health is just as important as physical health and should be treated as such.

Our town may be small, but the effects of mental health issues are still prevalent. It isn't uncommon to hear whispers and rumors about someone that is struggling, and it's even harder for them to seek out help without fear of judgment or ostracization. As such, my best friend kept her struggles hidden, and we never knew the depth of her pain until it was too late. Mental health is not something that should be taken lightly. Just like how we go to a doctor for a physical ailment, we need to seek out professional help for our mental health as well. It's important to know that having a mental health issue does not make you weak or less of a person. It's a medical issue, and it needs to be treated with the same care and attention as any physical ailment.

It's been years since that fateful day, yet it still feels like yesterday. I remember finding her and feeling like everything around me was a blur. The image of her lifeless body is etched into my mind, and I can't seem to shake it off. Her death sent me spiraling down a road of pain and grief that I wish no one ever had to go through.

But life has a funny way of throwing curveballs at you. It seems like every time I think I'm starting to heal, something else happens. The Grim Reaper has come knocking at my door one too many times, and it's starting to feel like I'm cursed. I've lost friends and relatives, and the pain never truly goes away.

It's hard to explain to people who haven't been through it, but being the one who finds a loved one's body is a trauma that never goes away. It's a memory that replays in my mind every time I close my eyes. And yet, it's something that I've had to deal with more than once. Since my friend's passing, I've lost other friends and family members, each one a tragedy in its own right. But it's my nana's death that hit me the hardest. She was one of my biggest supporters in the world and losing her felt like losing a part of myself.

My Nana was my rock through it all - the one person who never judged me or made me feel like I had to be strong all the time. There's something that she told me, "You can't expect a broken clock to still tell time. It's okay to not be okay." And she was right. Time doesn't always heal all wounds. Sometimes, we just have to learn to live with the pain. It's been a few years since she passed, and I'd like to say that time heals all wounds, but that's just not true. The pain doesn't go away, it just becomes more bearable. There are still days when I pick up the phone to call her, forgetting for a moment that she's gone. And it hurts all over again when I remember.

One of the hardest parts of dealing with all of this is trying to talk about it. People always mean well when they ask about my friend's suicide or the other deaths I've experienced, but I dread those conversations. I don't want to relive the pain, and I definitely don't want to be known as that person who's been through so much loss.

But through all of this loss, one thing has become abundantly clear to me: kindness is key. We never know what someone else is going through, and a little bit of kindness can go a long way. One of my old coworkers used to say, "You never know what day you'll need someone, so be nice to everyone." It's a sentiment that I try to live by, because it's true. We're all fighting battles that no one else can see, and a little bit of kindness goes a long way in making those battles a little easier to bear.

So, if you're still here, then thank you for reading. And if there's one thing that I hope that you take away from my ramblings today, it's this: be kind to everyone you meet. You never know what struggles they're facing or what demons they're fighting. And if you're one of the people who has lost someone, know that you're not alone. You'll may never fully heal from the pain, but you'll learn how to live with it. I wish I had the answers, but in the meantime, remember to be kind to yourself as well. You deserve it.

#spilled thoughts #blog #mental health #suicide #grief #small town usa

[b-lessings]

10 lessons I learned from the first 10 days of Ramadan 🌙

(personal, subjective, and in no particular order)

1) It's a constant work and it doesn't get easier. This is the first thing that came into my mind. As a matter of fact, the daily routine of this month is no joke, whichever deeds you try to perform and incorporate in your deen from the 5 obligatory prayers, to the sunnah, to the nawafil, to the azkar, to the Qur'an recitation, to the daily x number of istighfar you promised yourself you'd achieve, it is a lot of work, especially if you have a family to take care of, a job or school to go to, or more critically, if your mental health is not at its best condition. Every day (or night), you get out of bed and you're back at square one, you have all this list of tasks to do, and it gets a lot some times, and you do feel exhausted (but if you are among the lucky ones, then it is the good kind of exhausted), and it's not like your prayers are gonna perform themselves, you have to ger up, you have to act. That's why you need to constantly remind yourself why you are doing this in the first place. What is the point of fasting and waking up in the middle of the night to pray and spending hours throughout the day just remembering Allah swt and reading his book, etc. You have to remind yourself of the ultimate purpose of this month, that we are sacrificing the worldly pleasures for the sake of Allah swt, to gain Taqwa, to be in a state of constante awareness and consciousness of Allah's presence, to get closer to Allah swt the most gracious the most merciful, and that if we don't actually put on some work and effort, we won't get to where we want to go, we won't achieve any of that. It is good to keep things in perspective. Be aware of what you are doing, where you are now, where do you wanna go and what it takes to get you there. If it's constant work and effort, then be it.

2) You can't achieve anything by yourself, your intentions are not enough, you need Allah's support. In fact, for the first couple of days I was so confused, I had to ask my sisters " If the devils are all locked away, why do I feel like I can't focus? " And I was constantly asking myself, if I have already prepared, downloaded the calendars and planners, put up a big board on my bedroom wall, etc., Why do I feel like my Iman is getting low?, AstaghfiruAllah. Aren't we supposed to feel on cloud nine? In a state of pure bliss? And then I came across a khutbah where the Sheikh may Allah swt bless him answered my question. He explained that even though Shaytan is locked away, he has already programmed us, for 11 months (he even made a joke that Shaytan deserves a month off because he has been working too hard for the rest of the year). Anyways, what I realized is even your will and your plans and your excitement about Ramadan and your promises to do so and so deeds is not enough if you don't ask Allah swt for support, for sabr, for guidance, for help, for strength to be able to fulfill those ibadat and carry out the plans you have made for this month. You need to constantly ask Allah swt because who else is our refuge? Who else is our source of strength and patience ? Who else will keep us steadfast on the straight path? And who else is gonna help us against the traps of Shaytan? No matter how willing or excited or determined you are to perform your prayers, finish reading the Qur'an, etc, you still need Allah swt to bless your deeds, every step of the way. Without Him, nothing can be achieved. So in your sujood, ask Him that He give you enough strength to finish that prayer in full Khushoo' and concentration, and after that prayer, ask him for sabr and strength to manage to perform the next one and the one after. Tell Him that you seek refuge in Him from the traps of Shaytan, from laziness and lethargy, from the disoriented heart and the distracted mind. Show Him that you are vulnerable and that even though you are trying to do this for Him, you actually can't do it without Him. SubhanAllah.

3) Forgive yourself when you fall short.

{يُرِيدُ اللَّهُ بِكُمُ الْيُسْرَ وَلَا يُرِيدُ بِكُمُ الْعُسْرَ}

{God intends for you ease and does not want hardship for you}

Allah swt literally said this in Surat Al Baqara (The Cow) when he prescribed Fasting upon us and introduced us to the holy month of Ramadan. Soz read it again. As simple as that, I am not gonna develop this idea further.

4) No matter how much you prepared before Ramadan came, you aren't prepared enough. Well, are you familiar with the saying that Ramadan is like a marathon and you have to prepare for it way before? That's actually true. And guess what? No matter how much you think you are prepared, there are still gonna be some moments when you'd still feel out of breath, where you wish you'd have prepared more. May Allah swt make us reach the end of this month smoothly and seamlessly. May Allah swt bless us and accept our deeds from beginning to end.

5) Our deeds don't get accepted because they're good enough, they get accepted because Allah is merciful. I heard this in a youtube khutba just last night and it resonated with me. Put this in your mind, learn it by heart, print it out on your forehead if necessary! No matter how perfect you think your deeds are, they won't get accepted because you're an amazing slave of Allah swt and you win at worship and ibadah. Don't get too confident, beware of arrogance, control your ego. Stay humble and know your place. The only reason why your deeds would be accepted is because Allah swt will have mercy on you, not because you are so good that your deeds would qualify you for forgiveness and acceptance. So pray that Allah swt accepts our deeds and pray that he encompasses us with His mercy.

6) Don't compare to others, don't get intimidated by others, we are not on the same journey. Walk your own rocky path. I can't stress this enough. I know a lot of brothers and sisters Mashaa'Allah, Allahuma barik, are overachievers, or they might just be out of our league. And sometimes, through social media, we see what they share (in their attempt to motivate us and share some tips and good deeds, spread the knowledge, May Allah swt bless them, accept their deeds and reward them), so we get intimidated. Sometimes it feels like what we are doing is not good enough because it doesn't even compare to what X or Y are doing. And we feel a bit scared that we are not good enough of slaves for Allah swt or that Allah swt wouldn't be pleased with us like He swt would be pleased with them, and we can even feel unworthy and get discouraged ( beware it's a shaytan trap). It is simple though, your path to Allah swt is very personal. What a brother or a sister does only get to inspire you not discourage you or intimidate you. When you see someone sharing something good or beneficial, make duaa for them and make duaa for yourself then leave it at that. Competition is taking over every aspect of our worldly life, we shouldn't let it mess with this sacred part as well. And remember, we are not all on the same journey to Allah swt. It is okay if you can't recite the Qur'an in such a beautiful way or if you can't pray 10 rakaas of Taraweeh, it is okay if you can't read in Arabic or if you don't learn any hadith by heart. Allah swt is patient enough and considerate enough. Scratch that, He swt is the most patient, the most considerate, the most gracious, the most generous, and He appreciates your effort. What matters for Him is your sincerity and the purity of your intentions.

7) The less food you take, the more energy you will have. FACTS. I mean, imagine the struggle of having to pray Ishaa and Taraweeh on a full stomach where every time you get down for sujood you feel like your soup is coming up :/ Allahu almusta'aan. This month is not about feasting. It is literally about giving up pleasures (food being one of them) to focus on Allah. So, Focus on what's important and set your priorities straight.

8) Don't overdue it. Beware of the ghost of Burnout. So yeah, like I already said earlier, it is a lot of work and it requires preparation and constant effort. The aim is to be at our best shape of health and Iman on the last 10 nights because they are the most sacred, the most important, the most blessed. You might wanna consider starting small with your deeds and building up slowly. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately and know that your deeds will not make you enter Paradise, and that the most beloved deed to Allah is the most regular and constant even if it were little." [Al Bukhari]

9) Personalize your ibadat / plans. In other words, do what's best for you and what's beneficial for you. Define your weaknesses and the areas in which you want to improve. Don't just do this or that deed because everyone else is doing them. Do not follow blindly. What is good for you might not be the thing recommended or done by the others. And what you need on your faith journey is not what X or Y needs. You will be judged on your own deeds, your own journey. Have a purpose and a reason for what you are doing and why you are doing that. Also, the more you feel like your plan or your routine is personal, the more you can relate to it and connect with it, the more sincere you will be, the more excited and enthousiastic you will be, and the easier it will be for you to perform your ibadat in Shaa Allah.

10) Too much information can be poisonous. If ,like me, you got into a habit of watching lectures and videos of speakers this Ramadan, then breaking news: it might get confusing. I don't want you to feel lost and confused. Allahima barik the resources are countless and limitless. But also, you have to beware whom you listen to. There are different sects, different perspectives, different rulings on certain things. So, try not take things blindly. Take them with a pinch of salt and always try to do a background check. And eventually, when it gets too much, always choose what's best for your heart, because we are created with an innate sense of "right" , our fitrah is sane, Alhamdulillah. So, try to be critical. Allah swt even recommends that.

I hope this post can be beneficial. Tell me which part you related to the most, and if you have any extra tips, please share. May Allah swt accept our deeds and grant us forgiveness, amen. 🤍

#ramadan thoughts #tips #ramadan experience #islam #رمضان١٤٤٢ #شهر رمضان #رمضانيات #sabr #muslims on tumblr #muslims #Allah

[where-theres-smoak-2]

This Needs To Stop.

Trigger warning: Sensitive topics, p*dopilia, grooming, mental health and r*cism. 

Ok so this is a bit of a rant so apologies for that, I usually try to stay away from sensitive or controversial topics but this is something that I am passionate about and that I think is important. Also I just want to say that I am in no way directing this to the entirety of the M*lina fandom, I know most are just enjoying their ship, but there are those few who are deliberately seeking out darklina posts or are cross tagging and coming into darklina’s asks and just generally harassing the fandom which sadly I am seeing happen more and more often. Also I do feel like this can apply to all fandoms not just exclusively shadow and bone/ grishaverse, its just this is the one I am experiencing it in right now.   

I’ve seen antis call darkling/darklina fans many problematic things, delusional, mentally ill, ab*se apologists. They also like throwing around words like grooming and p*dophile. The thing that makes me angry about this is that they are taking sensitive topics, topics that many users have been effected by and they are using them to attack shippers merely for liking a character or ship that they don’t. What is even more frustrating is they seem to be throwing these words around without evening fully understanding what they even mean. For example the claim that the Darkling is a p*dophile because Alina is only 17 in the books. Well p*dophilia is a psychiatric disorder where adults are attracted to children and in order for it to be classed as p*dophilia the child involved has to be 13 or younger. A 16 year old can be diagnosed as a p*dophile if they become attracted to a child that is five years or more younger than them. So the relationship between the Darkling and Alina does not meet the criteria to be categorised this way as Alina is over the age of 13. As for it being a case of Alina is underaged, well, for one that depends on where in the world you are. This is based on imperial russia, in russia the age of consent is 16. This means that a 16 year old can have a sexual relationship with a 30 year old, a 70 year old or a 500 year old immortal and in a court of law it is still legal, whatever your own moral issues around age gaps might be. Even then it can be argued that it is irrelevant because, as with most historical literature where young girls marry older men, you cannot put modern day concepts onto them. Like I said this story is based on Imperial Russia, the life expectancy of a person in that time was around 30 years old. That means a 15 year old girl is already half way through her life, she is literally middle aged. It is at this point usually that girls started to prepare to get married and have children and yes sometimes it was to an older man because men were expected to provide for their wife and family which means having a house and job and means to support a family which an older man was more likely to have. My point is a 15-17 year old in say Imperial Russia is not the same as a 15-17 year old in modern day therefore you can’t take modern day laws and morals and place them onto that situation, it doesn’t work, they lived completely different lives. In Alina’s world, she is at the age where girls might get married and her being courted by a man of the general’s status would have been a normal occurrence, for her to have caught the attention of someone with his standing would have been considered very advantageous for her. I mean she literally gets two marriage proposals in book 2, where I believe she is still 17, and Nikolai is talking about how if she marries him it’ll be in name only and they can make Mal her guard so she can do the horizontal tango with him whenever she feels like it, so clearly the characters themselves feel like Alina is at an age where she can, one get married, and two be engaging in a sexual relationship. 

So why does all of this matter? Well it matters because people reading these posts, asks and comments left on posts, may be victims of p*dophilia and grooming. A lot of these comments don’t have trigger warnings and when you are talking about sensitive and triggering topics like this you need to be careful and when you are talking about them without even really understanding them, and where they can’t apply to the characters you are talking about anyway, then you are potentially triggering someone needlessly because you didn’t need to be talking about it in the first place, I hope I am making sense there. I am not saying don’t talk about these subjects if you do think they are relevant, I am saying make sure you do the research, that you understand the subject you are addressing and when you do talk about it do it in a respectful manner, don’t throw it out there in an angry spew accompanied by alot of other derogatory words because that won’t help anyone.     

Another subject I want to talk about is I am also seeing a lot of posts about how darklinas must be delusional or mentally unwell. This, again, is hurtful and harmful. Mental illness for a very long time has had a stigma around it, one that makes the person suffering from it feel weak and ashamed. There was always the attitude of if you are mentally ill then there is something wrong with you, or the attitude of oh just get over it, cheer up, think a different way. But mental illness isn’t just a state of emotion its often caused by hormonal imbalances and chemicals. Genetics can also play a part. There is nothing wrong with someone who is mentally ill their brain is just wired a different way. I also find it problematic when people throw around the word delusional. Maybe its nothing to you, just a word, but alot of mental illnesses have actual delusions as one of their symptoms. These can be scary and upsetting and are outside the control of the person experiencing them. Making the suggestion that liking a particular ships means you are delusional is potentially very triggering to those who do battle delusions and have fought to overcome them. The stigma around mental illness has prevented alot of people suffering from mental illness from seeking help out of shame or embarrassment or even out of fear of being judged and although I do feel like as a society we’ve become alot more open about mental health and alot more accepting there is still a long way to go. When antis start saying things like ‘I can’t believe people ship this, they must be mentally ill,’ or ‘they must be sick in the head’, or ‘if you like this ship than you must be delusional’ not only are they being incredibly prejudice against people who have mental illnesses but it is also so harmful because if there is someone reading that post who is struggling with their mental health and are considering seeking help then you’ve just made them feel more ashamed, more like there is something wrong with them which will make them even less likely to seek out help and as I said before there isn’t anything wrong with a person who has a mental health condition they are just different from you. That doesn’t give you the right to make them feel like they are less capable of deciding what they do or do not like or even what they should or should not like to be classified as a ‘normal’ person. 

The most latest problematic statements I’ve seen have been those accusing Darklina’s of being r*cist. This one I found a bit funny in a it’s not funny kind of way. I just don’t think there is much logic behind this view point. I’m not sure I understand the antis reasoning here. Mostly because I’m pretty sure the majority of the Darklina fandom comes from the books where Mal is described as being a white, brown haired, blue eyed guy. Funnily enough the Darkling is described as being able to pass for Shu, though to be clear it isn’t confirmed that he is a POC, but out of the two in the books the Darkling is more likely to be a POC than Mal. On top of that whilst many darklina fans have made it clear they are not a fan of Mal in the books many have said they like the show version of Mal who, as we all know, the actor Archie is a POC. So by anti logic darklinas are all r*cist because they don’t like book Mal who is depicted as white but we do like show Mal who is a POC. It just doesn’t make sense to me. I do understand that there were some ‘fans’ who made inappropriate and r*cist comments to some cast members including Archie and I would never ever condone that no matter who I ship. But you also can’t condemn an entire fandom just because of the actions of a select few. I don’t judge all M*linas for that one fan who accused Ben of being a pr*dator and p*dophile because of his friendship with Jessie. Once again my point is r*cism is a serious topic and not something someone should use as a retort or comeback to someone not shipping your ship. When we use these words casually it makes it less likely that they’ll be taking seriously when they really do need to be taken seriously, when they really are relevant to what is happening. If we keep using them so casually then when we really do need to talk about them, when it really matters, people will just shrug and go ‘its just antis being antis.’ 

I think it is possible for people to like different things, to debate and analyse different relationships and characters and talk about what flaws they may have in a respectful manner. I wouldn’t say I am anti m*lina but at the same time there are things about them that I find problematic but when I talk about those things I hope I do so in a way that doesn’t demean those who do like the ship. I understand that people will have a different interpretation than me and whilst I might not understand where their thinking comes from or why they have a particular opinion I would never make the assumption that they are mentally unwell or make judgements on their character or morals. I try to think about the words I am writing. I know how easy it can be to just throw a word out there without thinking about it. I used to use the word delusional to describe fans of certain ships, but when I recognised how damaging and problematic that was I stopped and I changed my behaviour because it was never my intention to hurt others. I guess the main message I am trying to convey here is we need to be careful with our words they’re not as insignificant as we might think.                

#darklina #anti anti #anti anon hate #anti anti darklina #excuse the rant

[wxlfbites]

The Church of Satan

I can only imagine the amount of criticism and hate I'm going to get for this, so I just want to preface this post by saying that in 2015 I considered myself a LaVeyan Satanist for a while. I was a teenager and felt like what I was reading was exactly how I felt, it gave me a sense of justification for the views I had. I am not just some random, misinformed individual who only read anti-satanism propaganda. In fact, I've still actually never read anti-satanism propaganda. My opinions have been formed based exclusively on what I've read on the Church of Satan's own website. These are of course, my own opinions and people are allowed to disagree... I just think it might be something to think about if you're considering becoming a satanist.

THIS WILL BE AN EXTREMELY LONG POST

Firstly, I'm addressing the membership the Church of Satan is now implementing. ~ While the Church of Satan says that you do not need to become a member in order to consider yourself a satanist, it is clear that they encourage you to do so. It has registration and payment based memberships that allow you access to confidential information, rituals, and online chat groups you are otherwise not entitled to. Their website claims these memberships have always been in place, but I do not remember any such kind in 2015. ~ It is their policy that affiliated members are discouraged from exchanging member-exclusive information with non-members. They also express that if you are a non-member of the church, you should not expect members to keep up extended exchanges or promotion of your wares. Further, your membership is subject to rejection and retraction at their discretion and they openly state that when you apply for a membership, they gather information on you to ensure you are someone safe and trustworthy to allow in. ~ Whether or not it is intentional, they use guilt tactics in order to persuade people into becoming members. To quote some of these phrases on their own website: "Those who proudly carry our red cards identifying themselves as members have the strength and dedication to implement the tools traditionally associated with Satan". "Look to your other possessions and expenses (most people spend far more than this on general entertainment) and we’re certain you can do this if it means something to you to become a member." "We’ve discovered that most individuals can muster these funds if membership is something they truly desire." ~ They describe your membership card as a key that you must show and scan to other members to prove your affiliation. They make a few references to the underground secrecy that members may or may not choose to maintain, and so to protect their identities as members, these... calling cards if you will.. are used to discretely confirm ones membership in the Church. ~ They do not tell you where the money for your registration fee goes. In fact, they say: "That is up to the administration. It will be applied to whatever is most required at the time it is received. If you feel the need to know in more detail, then don’t join." Implying you don't have the right to know exactly where your money goes? ~ Their membership application includes inappropriate questions that no organization, religious or otherwise, should ever ask. These include: " Are you satisfied with your sex life? Describe your ideal of a physically attractive sex partner." "How many years would you like to live?" "In what organizations do you hold membership?" "Are you a smoker? If so, to what extent." "Do you drink alcoholic beverages? If so, to what extent? State preferences." " Secondly, how does satanism compare themselves to other religions and philosophies? ~ The Church of Satan declares themselves to be "a formidable threat to those who would halt progress in the name of spirituality and theism of any sort." "We are a group of dynamic individuals who stand forth as the ultimate underground alternative, the “Alien Elite.” ~ They state things like "Our members and officials will not serve as teachers nor as entertainers—we have neither the time nor the inclination.", "It is our policy not to spoon-feed information to students who are too lazy to do research." and "Your schedule is of no importance to us." so it's no surprise that the satanic texts they do not provide in full on their website, including the Satanic Bible, - which is there main text and one they highly encourage you to read - cost money. ~ They believe themselves to be the only form of satanism, stating: "People who believe in some Devilish supernatural being and worship him are Devil-worshippers, not Satanists.", "Anton LaVey was the first to define Satanism as a philosophy, and it is an atheist perspective." and “Theistic Satanism” is an oxymoronic term and thus absurd." ~ Statements like: "we stand in opposition to theist religions and their

inherent hypocrisy.", [regarding the word Shemhamforash] - "So, Satanists use it for traditional blasphemy’s sake.", [regarding someones question about their experiences with demons] - "Satanists do not believe in demons or other supernatural beings, nor do we believe in spells. Seek help from local mental health professionals to assist you to get over these delusions.", "We Satanists are all anthropologists to some degree and can find that not upsetting people who think in such simplistic and erroneous terms of “belief equals goodness and truthfulness” might be worthwhile to smooth the proceedings in which one is involved. Trying to teach them that they are mistaken in such a belief may not be worth one’s efforts." are pretty much self explanatory as to the lack of consideration satanism has for other religions as being true for others.

~ This statement: "Knowing this, if you choose to affiliate with any pseudo-Satanic or anti-Satanic groups, you may well find yourself disaffiliated from the Church of Satan. Forewarned is forearmed." might sound harmless at first glance, but this kind of reminds me of an isolation tactic where cults discourage their followers to read or engage with opposing or differing opinions because it might open their eyes to the truth of things?

Finally, here are some statements that I personally don't find are morally or ethically okay?

~ In terms of kids worrying about their parents approval the Church says: "Satanism teaches that, so long as you live with your parents, you are in “their lair” and must show them respect". Which... is literally the same shit abuse victims hear all the time..... (example "you live in their house, they're your parents and you should love and respect them no matter what")...

~ "There can be no more myth of “equality” for all—it only translates to “mediocrity” and supports the weak at the expense of the strong." is a statement I just .... wish I were making up at this point.

~"The emotional drive to “change the world” is a common stage of early adult development typically beginning around age 16 and lasting until around age 24. Usually, individuals who become aware as to how the world actually functions—rather than being lost in a fantasy wherein they will be some sort of savior figure—come to realize that idealism (such as changing the world) is less important than the principle of getting what you want for yourself.",

Also! Um.. they are fully aware and okay with people who uphold discriminatory political views....

To quote their website regarding politics: "Our members span an amazing political spectrum, which includes but is not limited to: Libertarians, Liberals, Conservatives, Republicans, Democrats, Reform Party members, Independents, Capitalists, Socialists, Communists, Stalinists, Leninists, Trotskyites, Maoists, Zionists, Monarchists, Fascists, Anarchists, and just about anything else you could possibly imagine."

And to justify this, they say: "Members who demand conformity from other members to their particular political fetish are welcomed to depart.”, "For a Satanist to expect, much less demand, consensus on any given issue, beyond basic advocacy of individual liberty within local laws, is an enterprise which is probably as masochistic as it is insane.", "Some naïve idealists seem to think that the Church of Satan as an organization risks irrelevancy if it does not become an advocate of certain political positions—usually their own pet issues which are assumed “must” be shared by other Satanists. This fear is based upon the assumption that the Church of Satan needs to change the world or risk “fading into obscurity.”

Again, all of this information comes directly from the Church of Satan website itself. It it not "propaganda". It comes from their own mouths. You're free to disagree with my interpretation and views of the above. But if you do agree, I'd love to know.

The things above make me uneasy. They give me huge cult vibes and are actually disappointing to read as someone who once considered themselves a satanist. As an omnistic pagan now, I do believe that all religions hold truths within them and can say that there are certain things within satanism I do agree with. But overall, I feel like calling satanism a religion is a stretch and should be joined with caution if it's something you are really interested in. I am only one person, I can't tell anyone what to do. But if you were considering becoming a satanist but hold values and views that the things in this post opposed or were opposite to, then maybe satanism isn't right for you. It's definitely not right for me.

I hope this post was educational at the very least. I hope that it might help people make a decision either way if they were interested in joining the Church.

#the polymorph chronicles #satanism #the church of satan #religion #satan #satanic #spirituality #philosophy #satanist #paganism #pagan #eclectic pagan #omnism #omnist

[high-warlock-of-brooklyn]

This is one of the previous anons who sent another ask, but since it canbe triggering, I’m putting it under the cut

TW Depression, mental health problems

Every word you said is true, every suggestion you gave is the one I should be working on.

But *deep sigh*, I can't talk with my family , they are already fighting their own fights, already are more than needed occupied with things, and I can't increase their issues. I know I won't be a burden to them , you are never a burden to your loved ones, but I still can't , I can not when I know how it will go and how they would react and everything. They love me so much that thy would be more stressed than me. Also ,I am very very very bad at expressing myself even to my closest ones. There are things that no matter how much I try, the words never come out. Idk what force pulls me but it always win.

Actually tbh,i never really try , cuz the reason I am like this is because of things that happened in the years I lived till now( I am 20) , I never knew that events that heppened had affected me until last to last year. I thought and thought and thought , and then when I connected the dots I could see how it all started and still continues. I can never talk about it with family though they were part of it,they were there all along , they went through same, but no never. The events that occured in my childhood were not normal, they were a bit messed up. I went a lot of mental stress . There are events from my childhood that I remember like they happened yesterday. Tho i dont remember how I felt but the pictures are enough to know that that whats shaped me and made me who I am today. They are the reasons I am reserved, bad at expressing emotions, insecure, and much more i don't know about.

But what I hate the most is that now whenever something small happens it makes me sad as hell. And whenever I am sad and someone comes to me, I feel a smile forming on my face. Now my body automatically does things to hide everything. And I have become so good at all these that I sometimes doubt that is this even real what I feel or am I just faking it.

Trust me I know , i need professional help but I can't. I am fine dealing with my mental stress alone. The only time I find hard to gather myself up is when I am crying. It is so hard to cry without making sound.

I know things are bottling up and it may end up bad but I will fight , I have to fight on my own .Though I won't win , and I won't ever give up.

Whatever I told you it is in the best way possible and there is much more than this. There are some things I am yet to accept . It is messed.

_

I know you want to help and I really appreciate it from bottom of my heart.

Thank you listening to everything. Thank you so much.

Hi Anon. 

First of all, the whole thing about ‘you are never a burden to your loved ones’ is very misleading despite the intentions of the statement. No-one is free of burden. In truth, we should say ‘you are worth the work, because you are loved and cared for’.

You are right, your family has their own responsibilities and they are fighting their own fights. But you should know, that you are part of that fight too. You’re helping them every day in those fights, and it’s very important to know that no one fights alone. They don’t, because they have you to help them. It’s only fair that you have support in your fights too. It doesn’t make it problematic, it doesn’t make it a problem, it just makes it a fact of any relationship, familial or otherwise.

And it’s very much okay to be bad at saying what you need, and that’s why communication is so important. You don’t have to say entire essays every time you talk. Just saying that ‘I need a hug’ is better than saying nothing. Even hugging without saying anything is better than nothing.

It’s such a terrible feeling to look back at your life and see exactly how things went sideways, even though you can’t do anything about it. You’re the same age I am, and trust me when I say, it fucking sucks. And you’re right, no one has gone through the things you have. I’m autistic, and the same family events couldn’t have affected my family the same way as me, even though they went through the same thing. But that doesn’t make either of our struggles any less valid. Your hurt and pain and the shit you go through every day is valid. And I’m sorry you have to go through it.

Our trauma defines us a lot. Especially if it’s left unresolved. I hate loud utensil noises because it triggers the memories of my mom being furious with rage. It’s a very small thing to be so afraid of, or to do all the things I do to avoid it. But that doesn’t make my trauma any less valid or important. Some days all it takes is one dismissed wave of a hand for me to break down completely, but that doesn’t mean weakness. It means there are a lot of hurt and pain and issues left to fester for a long time without any relief. If you keep cranking up the pressure without letting it out, then it would find ways to escape anyway. Small things triggering you means your mind is exhausted, and needs a break.

No one can force you to seek help, all I can do is to ask you to do it. But if you choose to fight alone, then you can at least fight smart. I’ll advise reading up on your problems, it’s always better to know how things work than diving in blind. And learn to anticipate your tells, how your mind feels before you’re completely exhausted, how your body reacts to a certain trigger. Those are always helpful.

I want to give you a hug and I hope you know you are loved and appreciated, and please know you are not alone, and asking for help is okay 💙

Take off your burden on or off anon

#asks #anon asks #tw depression #tw mental health issues #tw depressive episodes #tw depressing thoughts #take off your burden on or off anon

[turtle-to-eternity]

Psychiatric Medications Are Good, Actually

You may think getting prescribed medication to regulate your mood, or improve your focus, or manage your anxiety, is weakness.

Maybe you think you should be able to handle it on your own, and that if you can't it's your fault.

Maybe you think the mental healthcare system just isn't worth it.

None of that is true. Let me explain.

Listen, our minds are projected by our brains. The brain is a physical organ like any other. It's not divine, it's not special, it is just as prone to defect and error as any other part of the human body.

Is a man with no legs weak for using a wheelchair? No.

Is a woman with a missing hand weak for using a prosthetic? No.

Is a person with diabetes weak for taking insulin? No.

Then why would anyone be weak for taking psychiatric medication?

A brain is not supposed to leave you frequently feeling anxious, or self-loathing, or depressed. If it does, it's not working right.

Medication fixes that. Just like insulin fixes a diabetic's high blood sugar. You aren't going to leave a broken leg untreated. Don't try to leave a broken brain untreated.

I have experienced first hand how life-changing psychiatric medication is for those with dysfunctional brain chemistry.

But before we get to that, a story about how even seeking help can be a struggle. And how that should never stop you.

I regret no part of my effort to improve my lot in life. Go to the bottom of this post to see the important point, if you feel uncomfortable reading my story.

So after going a general physician about my numerous mental health concerns, and getting put on Zoloft, I was directed towards a psychiatry office about 45 minutes away from me.

I did not have insurance, and even though I had $10,000 at my disposal I suspect that was why they gave me a nurse practitioner. They gave a first time psychiatry patient a provider that was RIDICULOUSLY underqualified compared to the actual psychiatrist.

Oh boy, did it show.

She started reading questions out from her clipboard, half of which I already answered filling out paperwork, and actively stopped me from talking whenever I tried to expand upon anything relevant to my issues. She could not have given less of a damn about my concern.

Of course I gave '9's and '10's to questions relating to mood swings, concentration, and daydreaming, and trouble sleeping. She also especially wanted me to shut up when I started talking about how awful school is/was. She just completely ignored all I said that could be even tangentially related to ADHD.

At the end she said I was depressed and anxious and threw out Zoloft (which I had only been on for a week) and gave me Effexor for depression and anxiety, and Trazodone for sleep and depression.

I had to forcibly bring up ADHD myself. About how hard it was to so much as watch a tv show consistently. About my despair at not progressing in my GED program. She said 'Can't never could.'

'I'd like to try Strattera.' I said.

'Well we could put you on Wellbutrin.' She said after a deep sigh.

'Strattera has a better chance of results, and I don't want to leave without trying something for my problems.' I said, barely civilly.

So she gave me a script for the maximum daily dosage of Strattera. I felt good. I took a stand and even had a shot at progress. However, it was disturbing how stubbornly opposed she was to even the idea of ADHD.

Strattera didn't really work. It leveled out my mood and gave me some motivation, but my mind still pushed itself away from anything that demanded concentration. Be it work or leisure.

However, Effexor greatly dampened my sense of anxiety in everyday life. I started a photography hobby, walked around outside no matter how many people were there, and started 'dating' (for lack of a better term) online. It definitely worked.

So when I came back to that nurse, I told her about how things had improved. How Strattera calmed me down to a moderate degree. She was quick to put the credit entirely on antidepressants, though. Naturally. Strattera wasn't doing its most important job and had terrible side effects for me, so I asked to try another ADHD medication.

'Well maybe you could take the Strattera a little closer to when you want to, like, do stuff. Then it'll work better for you.'

That is not remotely how Strattera works.

Holy god damn, this lady has absolutely no knowledge about ADHD or the medications she is giving me.

'I'd like to try a first line medication.' I said firmly.

'Well there's a lot of medications for ADHD, honey.' She said smugly.

Then she absolutely floored me.

'You haven't really been evaluated for ADHD yet so we can't really give you amphetamines.'

What.

What.

Why did you ask me all those questions before, then? Why did Strattera affect me in a way consistent with an ADHD person? Why are you being so suspiciously stubborn?

'So how can I be evaluated, then?' I asked her.

'You said no insurance, right?' She asked back.

When I confirmed that, she got up and said 'Let me go ask the doctor if you can get some stimulants, sweetie.'

15 minutes later she came back with a script for Wellbutrin.

I was in despair.

My life, on hold for years, now for another month. When help was just in arm's reach.

I started spending tons of money on food. The Wellbutrin replacing Strattera brought back the mood swings within days. The first day they came back, I called that office to cancel my follow up appointment. I was going back to the doctor I originally saw.

But for the month up to that, I ate like crazy. I gained back 20 pounds. I stopped blogging, I stopped Duolingo, I stopped doing anything but watching YouTube videos and sleeping.

I did get a job that I had applied for before my fall off the deep end. My state of mind greatly improved once I had work. But still I did nothing.

Then I went back to the original doctor.

He was patient, understanding, and asked relevant questions. This general practitioner spent more time talking with me in 1 visit than a psychiatric nurse had in 2.

He diagnosed me with ADHD, and gave me 5mg Focalin.

The weight of the world came off my shoulders. The Focalin has had absolutely no effect on me but drowsiness. But that doesn't matter right now. I am being taken seriously, and am being helped.

And this right here is the important part.

The medication helped immensely.

Once I got back to taking the Effexor regularly, my mood drastically improved. I talk to real people of my own volition occasionally. I take pictures of myself without fear. I am making plans and believing in them. I am believing in myself, for the first time in my life.

Yes, 1 nurse treated me like I didn't matter.

But 1 doctor changed everything for me.

He listens to me, works with me, and is invested in helping me. He is going to get my medications right, make sure they stay right.

Then, once I find the right stimulant, I will be unstoppable.

This life is mine, I will never lose hold of it again.

#life blogging #self improvement #actually adhd #mental heath awareness #mental health #mental heath support #depression #anxiety #antidepressants

[lycorogue]

Amelia and Trish🌺💐

Awww, yay! Someone sending me an ask from a list! 😍 I get these so rarely. This is such a fun treat! Thank you! (For anyone wondering, the “Soft OC Ask” master list can be found here.)

🌺 What does your OC do to calm down when they’re scared or after a nightmare? Do they have any special comfort items or need to be reassured by a specific person? How do they handle this if they’re alone?

💐 How does your OC handle being unwell or forced to rest in bed? Who cares for them and in what ways? Does your OC enjoy being doted on or are they a terrible patient? Reversed: is your OC good at taking care of others who are ill or in need?

Funny enough, the answers to most of these questions more-or-less happened canonically within the X-Future roleplay, so these are fairly easy to answer. Since each question is actually a series of related questions, and this ask is for two of my OCs, this got a bit lengthy. You can read my reply below the break.

Lia: 🌺 When Lia was a toddler, her mother crocheted her a little stuffed Calcifer the flame from Howl’s Moving Castle. Lia still has this stuffed Calcifer and cuddles it whenever she’s super stressed or awakes from a nightmare. If she feels she’s failing at reaching her true potential with her powers or as a leader, she goes to the X-Men archives of her mother’s training and watches those. If anything, doing so makes her feel worse because it makes her feel even more inadequate and tears at her grief of not knowing what happened to her mom, but neither fact stops her from doing so. Alternatively, if she’s stressed about generic Teenage DramaTM, she usually storms off to be alone, literally burning off some steam as she rages with her powers once she knows she’s in a safe location where she won’t permanently damage anything. As a child, she would also come to her dad (who was literally never too far from her at any given time, thanks to his powers; he was the ultimate helicopter parent) if a situation was too big for her to handle by herself. As a teen, she tends to vent to either her then-boyfriend-now-ex-but-still-friend Chayse, or her roommate Willow, or her current boyfriend Ripley. If it’s something minor that she needs to work out, she’ll sneak off to dance; just to get the positive energy flowing again.

💐 As the “mom friend”, Lia is much better at playing nurse than being nursed. Although, she is a bit naïve when it comes to emotional/mental-health support. She tries, but usually falls a touch short when trying to help out in those matters. She’s much better at nursing physical illnesses or injuries because she can study the most effective ways to heal those. When she’s the one sick or injured, though? She gets antsy if she’s forced to rest up in bed, especially if she feels like it’s overly cautious for her to do so. Now, if she’s majorly sick or in pain, she will gladly hide under her covers and ignore the world exists. Anything short of “OMG, I’m dying”? And she’ll fight bedrest tooth and nail. Her father is the #1 person to care for her, but since attending the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters, Jamie has allowed Lia’s roommate and friend Willow to take on the role of primary caregiver, with Lia’s boyfriend Ripley on stand-by to tag in. If neither of the teens are willing or able, though, Jamie will gladly jump back in to take care of Lia. Aside from being antsy and a bit whiny about being forced to stay in bed (if she’s feeling alright), Lia does accept being cared for fairly gracefully. She’ll comment it’s unneeded and that her caregivers should focus on “more important things” since she’s clearly “fine”, but will still gladly accept the soup, extra blankets, pillow fluffing, and so on. She’s a bit more grumbly if she’s recovering from an injury because she hates feeling helpless or weak in that regard.

----------------------------

Trish: 🌺 Trish HAAAAAAATES showing any kind of weakness AT. ALL. So she does NOT go to anyone for comfort when she’s feeling overly stressed or scared. The exception is MAAAAAAAAYBE Pyro if she is majorly shaken about something. She hates seeming weak and immature in front of Pyro, though (and hates adding to the father-daughter dynamic when she wants a lovers one instead), so there has to be something TRAUMATIZING to her before she goes to even him for comfort. Otherwise, she turns her fear into anger and rage. She’ll run the training obstacle courses to the point of exhaustion, just to give her mind something else to focus on, and something to aim her powers at. She overcomes fear by adding to the façade that she’s completely fearless. She allows adrenaline to completely over-ride her fear as she almost always goes for a “Fight” response. As for nightmares, she’ll usually calm herself down by playing with her butterfly knife; something else to focus on until she forgets the nightmare. She’ll also calm herself down with a shower, especially if she’s covered in sweat from the nightmare. She’ll chant to herself, “it’s not real. It wasn’t real. Ignore it” until the nightmare is forgotten or no longer intense enough for it to affect her.

💐 Trish is a TERRIBLE patient. She’s even more antsy and stubborn than Lia. Being sick or injured enough to be bedridden is a sign of weakness, and she CANNOT be weak for Pyro. The only time she’ll submit and actually listen to instructions to rest up is if Pyro himself tells her to do so. She’ll also gladly ravish the attention if Pyro is the one nursing her back to health. She’d even milk it, just to be doted on further by him. Otherwise, lord help the person playing caregiver. She will stubbornly battle them every step; again, only complying when Pyro tells her to behave. Once her roommate Nyssa was forced to play nursemaid when Trish was badly injured by a shrapnel blast. Trish was like an injured feral creature the whole time, snarling at Nys and trying to swat her away; claiming to be healed further than she was. Nyssa practically had to have Pyro there at every bandage changing to force Trish to accept the treatment. The major exception to all of this is a mutant vigilante Trish simply calls “Stranger” since he’s never given her his name. He was hunting down the anti-mutant terrorist group The Purifiers, and stumbled upon a few that were teaming up against Trish. He saved her, but she was still wary of him; attempting to leave him to the Purifiers so she could escape. When the escape plan failed, and he saved her a second time, she was more welcoming to him attempting to help patch her up (if nothing else, she didn’t want to worry Pyro by coming home injured again). They have since met up a couple of times to hunt down more Purifiers together; helping with Trish’s bloodlust and Stranger’s want of revenge against the Purifiers for murdering his whole family in front of him and leaving him for dead. They have an uneasy bond, and Trish wouldn’t go to him if she were sick, but if she were injured she might seek him out just so she had someone she trusted moderately to care for her without feeling like a burden on Pyro. As for Trish being the caregiver? HA! She is absolute trash at caring for anyone other than herself and Pyro. Exceptions being Stranger - she would tend his wounds as well so she didn’t lose her partner in these non-Brotherhood excursions - and anyone that Pyro asked her to care for. If it’s a request from Pyro, she’ll do the bare minimum to satisfy the request, and grumble about it the whole time. Even when caring for Stranger, she’d spend the whole time bitching at him for being so “careless” as to be injured in the first place (ignore that this also implies that she’s careless whenever she gets injured).  For Pyro, though? She’d go full on Florence Nightingale and dote on him every waking moment.

----------------------------

Okay! I think that’s everything! This was fun. Thank you so much for the ask. I hope you got to learn a bit more about my OCs.

Also, I’d like to note that Stranger is one of my husband’s OCs named Jack Knoife (yes, the name is a pun. Yes, Jack is Australian. Yes, Hubby leaned hard into the classic Marvel naming tropes)

Anyway, if anyone else wants to learn more about my OCs (or if you’d like to learn more, @doesnotloveyou ), feel free to drop me an ask. 😁

#writing #LycoRogue writing #LycoRogue ask #doesnotloveyou #OCs #Soft OCs Ask #Lia Madrox #Trish Morrison #both fire users #might explain the hatred for bedrest #dealing with being scared #dealing with being bedridden #long post #THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK! #<3

[winebleeds]

@bnjmin    sent    ❛    🍍 (obligatory to send this one) 🍏 🍎🍊🥝 for all    ❜

⤑   FRUIT HEADCANONS

you’re really making me add this to a read more, huh.

🍍  :    how comfortable is my muse in their body? how do they feel about their height,  weight,  strength,  and body type?  how important is being attractive to them? 

raleigh: yeah, he’s not. he hates looking at a mirror. out of his insecurities, his height gets to him the worse. while barely below average at 5′8, he becomes one of the shorter men within a group. doesn’t help when his younger brother became taller than him or even his youngest sister being taller in heels. he was also the weakest of his siblings when they got older, though he doesn’t make too much effort gaining muscle. only enough to keep lean and not too tired looking. despite his insecurities about his appearance, he is low maintenance when it to looking attractive. in fact, his insecurities block how others consider him attractive, puzzled when someone does mention such; it’s just pity for him. so yeah, the most insecure about his body but the least caring about attractiveness. 

liz: yeah, very comfortable. too comfortable. a big portion of her attire is meant to show off her body, knowing she looks good... and people definitely pay attention to that.  still, like raleigh, she does have some insecurity about her height. instead of drowning in said insecurity, she alters how people view her height, to the point people blink at figuring out she’s 5′2; it’s the same at minimal curves, considering she enjoys viewing curves on other women. she does the most to portray her attractive features through her attire and confidence, knowing it pays off. but, again, it’s less on insecurities or even as much on manipulation anymore; it’s simply a preference. 

jamie: despite his job as a fitness trainer, he’s smaller than his football years. he won’t gain those muscles of his college prime again, and he does look back with a twang of guilt, even if some of it wasn’t in his control. after his injury, he lost a lot of weight he’s beginning to gain back. he also had a smaller figure during his teenage years that brought insecurities, especially his braces, until he grew several inches and boarder shoulders right before his senior year. he also made a drastic change in his outfits to better fit his fitness now rather than the southern style of his former years. he’s the most cautious on his attire because of his insecurities, despite acting confident about it. 

maddie: due to societal standards on plus size, she does have insecurities about her weight. but even jamie & liz, one in fitness and the other much smaller, ensure her she doesn’t need to worry about such; she’s just board built and curved like a spencer. but her conservative clothes, especially compared to her sister, hints of her hiding herself, though her personality outshines those internal feelings. she can feel insecure of her height as well, since it throws of men shorter than her, but she’s gotten more comfortable with that aspect of her. 

🍏  :    how stable is my muse’s physical health?  do they go for regular or semi-regular checkups by a physician?  do they have any diagnosed illnesses and / or take any medication?  how often do they get sick?

raleigh: unless his slight limp from his leg injury counts, then he doesn’t have any health issues, and never really did. so far, his seasonal allergies haven’t occurred in la, though he has his allergy medicine just in case he gets stuffy like he did in the carolina autumn. otherwise, he’s quite healthy. besides being, well, a surgeon, he does get checkups.

liz: generally, she’s healthy. she may get the sniffles or a cold during the winter seasons, but nothing she can’t recover from by the next couple days. however, her reproductive organs cannot reproduce.  she was diagnosed with primary ovarian insufficiency at 16, since she never experienced her natural period. the doctors are not sure the source of the condition, though it’s potentially a genetic defect once amenorrhea and/or being underweight was ruled out. so she had taken estrogen & continues taking calcium and vitamin d supplements to avoid bone loss. besides more common dryness during sex that lube fixes, she doesn’t think often about the condition; she’s never wanted children to begin with and knew her career would define her anyways.

jamie: oh boy. so his childhood was bombarded with health issues. the main two were chicken pox & tonsillitis, which weakened his immune system. once his tonsils were removed, his health started to get better, where he was able to stay outside without high risk of getting sick. still, his immune system isn’t the best, and will get a sinus infection or the flu (if he doesn’t get his shot in time) each year. then, there’s his concussions, his single ear deafness, and other injuries. throughout horseback riding, he has broken a wrist and a couple concussion. for football, there’s his rotator cuff, sprained ankles, and his deafness in his right ear, though he’s been hoh since the fall from the cliff with raleigh. the lining of his stomach is also weak from alcohol, so he’s careful about any foods that could erupt it. despite having the healthiest lifestyle (now), he’s the least healthiest.

maddie: she had appendicitis, and had her appendix removed. but other than that, she’s been pretty healthy, similar to raleigh. out of the four, though, she goes to doctors least, and haven’t been to a checkup for awhile. 

🍎  :    how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they or should they attend therapy?

they all need therapy.

raleigh: besides extreme insecurities and bouts of depression, he’s pretty stable. his stress levels can get high, which heightens his insecurities and anxiety about how other people view, which spark his depression. he has been diagnosed with depression during med school, and goes back & forth to therapy when he feels worse about it. but he’s done better since he has a more stable life, instead of the turbulence during his parents’ divorce.

liz: most of liz’s mental state come from her fears. while, yes, she is scared of snow & water, those are two factors that trigger her claustrophobia; elevators and not being able to see a way out of tight spaces trigger it as well. the source came from her nearly drowning in the lake as a child, and has been struggling since then. she has gone to therapy for her infertility as a teenager, but not much happened during the sessions with the minimal talking on liz’s side. but she should go back to have someone to guide her about opening up & her trust issues, since it does cause issues in relationships.  and, no, while particular on cleaning, she does not have ocd.

jamie: his multiple of concussion enhance his recklessness & behavior. and his alcohol intake did alter his decision making & temper as well. he was diagnosed with alcoholism, and went to aa meetings for a couple years. he still goes to therapy, though continues to have anger issues. when he was a child, people did think he had adhd, once he gotten out of his shell from the health issues, but doctors did not think he had adhd & was just simply hyper.    

maddie: she’s the most stable of them all. she’s open about her feelings to people; she probably opens up too much. and, while she can get sad or mad about certain aspects of her life, it doesn’t halt her life. she doesn’t go to therapy, but she’ll do fine at it when talking in general helps her. 

🍊  :    does my muse desire romance?  is it something they would actively seek out,  or prefer to happen more  ‘  naturally?  ’  what is their love life like?  do they have any exes or past flings,  or crushes?

raleigh: it’s less about romance than having a partner when raising a family that will stay long term. because he really wants a family and kids. which, due to his clueless, the romance will have to happen naturally and the other person has to seek him out. he has dated here and there, but nothing that amounted to anything beyond a first date; sometimes, he’ll go get coffee with someone and not realize it was a date until a week later, so... but he does have two exs, one in high school and another from undergrad, which is mentioned in this timeline. and he did have a crush on his friend tessa, but it died down when they both decided to remain friends. 

liz: no. not romance, and 9/10 she ghosts someone the minute they think anything between her is getting serious, with examples in her timeline. it’s the opposite of one night stands, she does not seek out romance at all. gross. she doesn’t have time for that.

jamie: similar to raleigh, he wants a family in the near future, though wants to settle into his life a little bit more, knowing how rough his past will work to a future spouse. he’s a good 50/50 on seeking out dates and letting it happen more naturally; it will be more naturally with men while he controls the flirtation with women. he has several exs and old flings and crushes, but the most noticeable is lillian irene, a dance major he dated throughout college... even if he wasn’t the most faithful and she deserved so much better than him; still, she helped him sober up even after the officially broke up their relationship. oh, and his main celebrity crushes as a teenager were britney spears  & jennifer beals... who lillian irene had close resemblance to...

maddie: she enjoys dating and being romantic, but it’s something that’s casual as she’s still exploring the world. while she seeks out dates, she also seeks out the friends and just enjoys knowing other people. she doesn’t understand how liz can have one night stands, since sex for maddie means close attachment and romance. 

🥝  :    does my muse have any  ‘  unusual  ’  habits, interests,  and  /  or talents?  do they hide it,  or are they proud of it?

raleigh: he has some obscure science fiction books that have a special place on his bookshelf, but those have a personal connection to him coming from his piano instructor / role model. but a lot of his interests are pretty mainstream in terms of star wars & whatnot, even if they were as much as a child. 

liz: her most unusual will have to be her random construction projects. this started with raleigh’s legos as a kid, and of course expanded to her engineering career. but she still have her designs of buildings or computer codes or airplanes in her free time, and, once she has the space for it, will experiment on building her own car engine or whatever she can assemble in a garage and may get a few patens in her later life. while not too unusual, it’s more of a shock that someone as “feminine” as her would do something so “masculine.”  because, while she doesn’t hide it, she doesn’t promote it either.

jamie: he dances, or he can dance well. which makes sense, with his ex being a professional dancer & needing to impress her. but, still, it wasn’t hard to get him to share that interest. even before lillian irene, he would sneak into hidden places to figure out the choreography for music videos, especially britney spears. of course he hides it, outside of appropriate moments of dancing with someone on the dancefloor. but he’ll just pretend he doesn’t know the difference first and fifth position in ballet or that he knows the final dance to flashdance.

maddie: she often paints on jean pockets or vinyl records rather than a tradition canvas. considering there’s a market for such, it’s not too unusual and can make money from it. but she purposefully doesn’t like using traditional canvases for her artwork. also, her knowing how to play the harp stands out when she points out which music instruments she knows how to play. 

#ask to tag #this took me the whole day i hate this. #and yes jams has repeatedly watched flashdance and yes that is a guilty pleasure of his. #if there's anything you need to get out of this... it's that. #( j. headcanon ) #( m. headcanon ) #( e. headcanon ) #( r. headcanon ) #bnjmin

[iamtheothersideofthemoon]

“When a brain can no longer effectively process a certain level of stress, the processing of information and emotions is impacted, resulting in trouble perceiving reality,” explains Garrett

Things are hard atm.. I want to attention or pity, I am sharing as I want to break free of the fear stigma has put in me and other reasons listed below.

I am trying to make my recovery from a recent break so I thought this should be a good time to share... it’s hard, but it shouldn’t be. Mental illness shouldn’t be something people are afraid to talk about but I am. However, I’d be wrong to not speak out. Mental illness is not about attention seeking or being crazy. I’m just here to share, nothing more, for what it’s worth. I know it’s not a lot, really. But slow and small steps.

I have had many breakdowns, and due to the trauma I’ve survived and the mental illnesses it left me with, I now have had ...another psychotic breakdown. Apparently, when you already struggle with trauma related, severe mental illness you are also more prone to go further into these breakdowns, and i was told it will probably be on and off all of my life... [I’ve also had “emotional collapses” (or nervous breakdown) which is different than a psychotic breakdown * just so ppl who may not know, ... now know lol

Please know, long term,,trauma related mental illness is a result of the way the brain our brain kept us alive; it is what helped us to survive (not always, I hate to generalize; but it is related in some way, to how the brain coped during early years of trauma and thus developed into the teen and adult brain)

I say that because..., I think it is pretty bad ass that our brains can do that, go in to survival mode and though I hate my mental illnesses, the brain still is fascinating as hell.

Mental illness doesn’t make you weak, crazy, or less than. No matter what your diagnosis(es). The stigma is horrible. I am slowly trying to share more on myself and my mental illness struggles in hopes someone, even just one person!, will find it and realize they aren’t crazy and that mental illness is just as real and important as any other “physical” illness. And NO; mental illness does not equate to crazy or stupid; at all!

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/March-2017/Understanding-Psychotic-Breaks

#trauma #breakdown #psychotic break #ptsd #bpd #dissociation #mental illness #mental health stigma #my mental health #major depressive disorder #derealization #derealisation disorder #mentalhealth #mental health matters #mentalillness #losing myself #psychology #the brain #survival

[valiancyvulnerability]

Adolescents and Mental Health

The years during adolescence present many complex problems that are often times very specific to that window of time in their life. Whether it be something as minuscule as schoolwork, school drama, boy or girl problems--These small issues can be the origin of deeper and darker underlying feelings and problems.

That being said, there are many more elements that play a role in what affects a teenager’s mental state than there would have been thirty years ago. Social media, the excessively greater amount of schoolwork, and the many problems globally that directly affect our generation. With this though, many parents may find it difficult to grasp a complete understanding of what could possibly be going through their child’s brain, especially when they don’t fully experience any anxiety, depression, etc. themselves. “What could you possibly be anxious about? Nothing is happening!” or “What could you possibly be depressed about? You are so lucky to have what you have!” These are frequent questions, which seems reasonable to ask from a parent’s point of view, but from the child, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. Here’s why:

For me, I ran into my worst struggles March of 2020. As COVID-19 began to take effect rapidly in our hometown, I found myself isolated (as I should have been--stay safe!). The complete switch in routine slapped me across the face. I coped with my issues my whole childhood by surrounding myself with my friends. As I am a very people-oriented kid that likes to keep himself busy at all times, the Zoom calls, texting, and social media got monotonous and lost its charm very quickly. During my time alone, I began to come to terms with my sexuality, and chose to publicly come out as gay, knowing it would be a good time to do so while I don’t have to be out and about and around my peers for long. Shortly after that, I began to have some eating issues that hit me in full swing. I stopped  eating almost entirely, hated the way my body looked, and began passing out almost every other day. Once I tried to get that under control, my general anxiety took complete ownership of my being for a good month. I would sit in my room and shake, I would drive around and cry in the dark for hours, and I would pull all-nighters obsessively cleaning my room. Although I have these very real problems that took control of me and my life, they stemmed from minuscule things. It stemmed from different experiences I had in high school. I was bullied, I had friends that were demeaning towards me, and I had problems with girls throughout those four years. Each of those things seem small to me now, but they were very powerful at the time, and the traces of those feelings I felt then never truly left, and in fact, just built up to become a monster of sorts.

Now, this is where the role as a parent comes in. I had gotten in a fight with my parents one night about a month ago, and I went to my room and isolated myself from the situation altogether. I could hear them talking about me from my room, and I couldn’t take it. One of my biggest fears in life is disappointing my friends and my family, so it was hard for me to listen to. I went out into our living room and let it go. I yelled until my throat hurt. I spilled everything I had been feeling the past month and it was completely unrelated to the argument, but it came out. Because it was so out of the blue, my parents were quick to question it’s validity and it made me feel like my problems weren’t real because they weren’t real to them since I had done my best to keep it hidden out of their sight.

If you are a parent reading this and you feel or know that your child may be going through a mental instability, you have options as to how to help them.

1. LISTEN

     This is the first thing I can’t stress enough. If your child brings something up to you. Whether they’re upset about something small, whether they are seeking medical help, or if they want to tell you about some serious inner conflicts they are experiencing, you have to listen. Don’t interrupt them. Don’t disregard what they say. Don’t say anything to make their problems seem smaller or less valid. When this happens, it truly feels like there is nobody that can assist them in getting the help they need, because nine times out of ten, there is a reason they are choosing to tell you.

2. BE ATTENTIVE

     The signs of mental illness come in many different forms, and sometimes they aren’t just going to jump out at you for you to see. Sometimes they go through periods of overworking themselves, or doing the exact opposite and have no motivation to do anything at all. Sometimes they don’t sleep at all, or sometimes they don’t STOP sleeping. Pay attention to what they say, or if you notice any signs of substance abuse or self harm. There can be mood swings, sudden emotional outbursts (such as the one I mentioned with my parents), or constant states of feeling panicked or anxious. As I had said, not everything will be apparent or in plain sight, but if you make a point to look for these signs, it may be helpful in having a conversation later on, which brings me to my next point.

3. HAVE THE CONVERSATION

     If your child hasn’t made it a point to talk to you first, but you have noticed some behaviors that worry you, or even if it’s just a conversation you want to have so they know that they are safe to come to you, don’t be afraid to sit them down and talk to them. Mental health, especially in teenagers, has an odd stigma around it, because the majority of us are trained to suppress and forget, when in reality, that is the most toxic and unhealthy behavior to become accustomed to. Make sure that you express to your child that their feelings and emotions matter, and just because they may be battling the negative ones, doesn’t mean they are any weaker than anyone else.

4. DO NOT REFUSE TO HELP

     I cannot stress this enough: if your child comes to you expressing that they want to seek medical help, whether it be put on meds, to see a therapist, or request a change in your home that may be a better healing environment, do not shut it down. By all means, take time to think about it, but do not refuse to help. As teenagers, we can’t just go see a therapist on our own, get our own prescription meds, or change the dynamic of our families. It has to be a group effort, whether parents like the idea of it or not. It seems scary and concerning to go through the motions of getting your child medical help, but that’s exactly what it is: help. The alternative of assisting them is having a child that feels like a hostage within their own mind, and as a parent, I genuinely would hope that you would prefer a happier child that is healing over the opposite.

There are more positive steps you could take as a parent in helping your child, but most of them are specific to the individual situation they may be going through, and that is up to the parents to take those steps on their own. 

One thing I can say to any teenagers that may be reading this, mentally healthy or not, be kind to one another. As cliche as it often sounds, you never know what somebody else is going through. We all come from different walks of life, with differing personalities and different thought processes. Many issues begin from the way we treat each other. This doesn’t mean you have to be walking on eggshells with the people you choose to surround yourself with, but it does mean that as a friend and peer, you need to listen, you need to be attentive, and you need to be there for them. That is what’s important. Wanting to improve your mental health doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you small. It doesn’t make you helpless.

That being said, there is so much more that needs to be done. Conversations about mental health need to be normalized, especially in teenagers. Remove the stigma, be there for those around you, and be kind to one another.

#mentalhealth mentalillness teenagers anxiety depression eatingdisorders parenting

[streamacademe]

Week 106, Day 735.

My trip to Scotland was a success and I managed to collect some samples! But, I don’t want to talk about that this week. As my 3rd year has officially commenced, I would instead like to dedicate this post to lessons I’ve learned as a 2nd year PhD student and reiterate over my coping strategies.  So, without further ado... 10 lessons I learned as a 2nd year PhD student:

Be prepared to face some dark times with your mental health - I won’t lie to you, it can, and probably will get pretty ugly. At times it will feel like the entire world is on your shoulders and you can’t breathe. I have had countless mental breakdowns this year, which usually involve bawling my eyes out and hyperventilating, before passing out from the exhaustion of it all, then coming around and crying again. Not fun. I have also suffered from insomnia, and, on the flip side, have had many days where I couldn’t get out of bed. I have included some coping strategies for set backs with mental health at the end of this post. 

It will get hard and you’re going to want to quit - I’m sorry to be a bit of a downer, but it’s the truth. For me, giving up is not an option, but even I have had days where I’ve wanted to quit. It’s probably in the terms and conditions of a PhD to feel like this sometimes, but no one ever reads those. How you keep the love for your project glowing is for you to figure out. I always think of the finish line and of how far I’ve come. Or neck a glass of wine, that also helps...

Find a balance between feeling terrified and apathetic, and stupid and self-assured - PhD’s are terrifying, which I appreciate can be exhausting and can lead to feeling apathetic. However, apathy is both a blessing and a curse. It may make you feel calmer and more able, but it sure as hell won’t motivate you to try harder and do better. The same applies for feeling self-assured; yes, you’re clearly a clever bean for getting this far and you should acknowledge and celebrate that, but feeling stupid pushes us to seek knowledge, which is what science is all about. 

Focus on genuine priorities - Procrastination/dedicating your time to non-essential tasks are your no.1 enemies. PhD’s are extremely unpredictable and you have to try and be ahead of the game or you risk falling too far behind. So make sure you know exactly what your priorities are and treat them as such. 

To do lists and GANTT charts are life savers - On your worst days,  refer to these to reorient yourself and stay on track. Make sure they’re always up to date, kept neat, and, most importantly, realistic. 

Self-care is critical - And no, I don’t just mean bubble baths with scented candles every night, although those are definitely helpful. Self-care is looking after your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Pushing yourself too hard can end really badly. Use me as an example, I pushed myself too hard physically and damaged my spine, which resulted in me taking a week off work. I won’t even mention the amount of mental health set backs I’ve had. So, do whatever it is that allows you to rest your bones, de-frazzles your mind, makes you happy, helps you feel better, and makes you feel like you can keep going. 

You have to learn to say ‘no’ - This will probably be something you’re not used to or are comfortable doing, but I have learned from personal experience that this is literally the most important thing when it comes to  looking after yourself and avoiding burnout. 

Your personal growth is impossible to ignore - Who you are when you start your PhD is definitely not the person you will be at the end. You never stop learning and developing in a PhD, but like, at an accelerated rate. I find it fascinating looking back at my progress reports; something that may have felt impossible 6 months ago is now the norm. 

Rely on your supervisors for help - THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. You DO NOT have to do everything alone. Ask questions, talk to them about your problems, seek their advice. And if they make you feel inferior, uncomfortable, stupid, or make themselves unavailable to you, contact your student support office/r, because a supervisor should NEVER do that. Furthermore, don’t be afraid to voice your opinions and stand your ground with your superiors, they are only human, just like you, and if you feel like they are misguiding or misunderstanding you, tell them. This is your PhD, not anybody else’s. 

Remember that your PhD is your work not your life - As hard as that may be. That is all. 

My ways of coping with the challenges of doing a PhD:

Spend time with animals and in nature - Honestly, if I had to choose just one bit of advice, it’d be this. Animals are the definition of joy, and being in nature always reminds me how beautiful the world can be, irrespective of how dark and rubbish mine may feel at times. 

Sleep - Getting enough sleep makes my anxiety more manageable, my mood better, and means I have more energy to deal with what life has to throw at me. Don’t listen to how much sleep you “should” have, instead listen to your body and work with it. Personally, I aim for at least 8 hours a night. 

Minimalism - I have mentioned minimalism many times on my blog. The benefits of this lifestyle are countless. With respect to my PhD, living with less allows me to have more room to breathe and think. It also means I spend more time on experiences instead of material things. Minimalism also allows me to live intentionally and aligns with my personal values. This in return means that I am more at peace with the life I lead outside of my PhD. 

Save money - Not only do savings mean a sense of security, but having money set aside can be really helpful if you are in need of a getaway or simply want to treat yourself without getting into debt. Furthermore, as there is no guarantee of a job straight after your PhD, or if your funding runs out before you finish, it is essential to have some savings as a safety net to fall on if need be. 

Read - I use books as a form of escape from reality, typically reading either before bed or in the morning before work. It helps take my mind off  the stresses that clutter my brain.

Exercise, eat healthy, and drink plenty of water - I know you’ve heard it all before, but here it is again. It works.

Red Bull (as a last resort) - There are many things in life that have impacted my ability to focus this year, including long drives, bad news, sleepless nights, and mental health issues. However, life doesn’t stop when you want to and so when I’m really struggling I turn to Red Bull for help, and it really does help me. (I don’t drink coffee and tea doesn’t cut it). I always ensure not to drink more than one can a day or drink alcohol within the same 24 hours that I’ve drank Red Bull in. 

How I try to cope with mental health set backs: Disclaimer: ‘Try’ is a critical word here as it is not always easy or straightforward to do the below, and, sadly, sometimes none of these suggestions work. 

Talk about it - I HATE talking about my mental health issues to people as I don’t want to burden my friends, upset my family, or appear weak at work. However, there are times where I’ve had to, and it’s helped. I mainly talk to my boyfriend about it, but should probably see a therapist. Hey ho, small steps. If you really can’t talk about it, write about it, either publicly or privately. 

Perspective - I have been watching a show called ‘New Amsterdam’ recently, which has really helped me see how insignificant some of my problems are. That’s not to say you’re not allowed to feel like crap just because you’re not having open heart surgery, of course you are, but trying to do things that change your perspective can be very helpful in coming out of a mental health episode. Geddit?

Give back - There is always someone having a worse time than you and nothing helps to snap you out of your pity party like lending a helping hand. Whether it’s volunteering at a homeless shelter, running a marathon for charity, or simply donating what you can to a cause you believe in. Give back. 

Headspace - I’m sure you’ve heard of this app/website, if not, here it is. Personally, I don’t like Andy Puddicombes voice, or listening to a human in general, so I don’t use the platform for meditation, but they do have a great range of sleepcasts and sounds, which I use to combat my insomnia. 

Calming medication (natural) - I use an essential oil aromatherapy roller ball to help me overcome an anxious episode or get me off to sleep. Personally, I use Tisserand for these. I also use Rescue Remedy drops for the same reason (these contain alcohol so aren’t for everyone). 

Get the F off of social media for a while - Honestly, your phone isn’t an essential organ, take a break from it, see what wonders it can do for you.

Cut out toxic/negative people - Fill your life with wholesome people, get rid of anyone that makes your recovery impossible, or your life difficult. Be as harsh as you need to be, cry about it, drink about it, but do it, and don’t go back. Here’s a great song to support you through this.  

That is all folks. It took me all day to write this, so I hope it’s at least somewhat helpful. ❤ Peace. 

Photo: A photo of a sunset that made me feel better after an especially difficult day. Source: My camera.

#diary of a phd student #phd life #phd #lessons learned as a 2nd year phd student #10 lessons #coping mechanisms #mental health #wanting to quit #tips #balance #give back #headspace #sunset #burnout #tisserand #rescue remedy #social media #toxic #red bull #exercise eat healthy drink water #sleep #minimalism #muna stayaway #youll be okay #personal growth #learn to say no #save money #prioritise #advice from a phd student #new amsterdam

[opiatemasses]

The dark truths of being an athlete – it is time to face the facts

Think of an athlete. Now describe that athlete in 3 words. Let me guess ‘strong’, ‘fit’ or ‘fast’ was one of the words you came up with, right?

I took to Instagram and asked my followers to do the same, this was the response:

We are all guilty of perceiving athletes to be especially resilient and therefore less vulnerable to what the average person may go through in life.

Athletes can be viewed as superhuman and the impact of their emotional wellbeing is frequently overlooked. I myself admit to being guilty of this.

Determining the burden of mental health issues in sport can be difficult. Especially considering the stigma associated with speaking out and the positive association between physical activity on the prevention and treatment of mental health issues [1]. 

Athletes have a huge amount of pressure to deal with. It is common for elite athletes to develop a perfectionist personality at training and competition, which often can lead to anxiety, stress, depression and fatigue.

What could cause an athlete’s mental state to deteriorate? 

        I.            Abuse from fans

Fan abuse can easily contribute to a decrease in an athlete’s psychological state. Dealing with this level of hate from such a large audience during competition and then having it carry on in the media cannot be easy to deal with.

Football players especially receive a lot of hate from fans as tensions rise in the stadium. The level of abuse athletes experience is no secret.

A recent incident involving Mario Balotelli the former Manchester City and Liverpool striker displays the level of hate footballer players face day to day. Balotelli makes new headlines after storming off the pitch due to falling victim of racist chants.

This video gives you an insight into the event and how Balotelli responded. Evidently the torment is causing a reaction that could quite possibly lead to a bigger issue regarding his mental health.

Racism doesn’t stop after a game or competition. Abuse from fans is moving online. Less than two months into the new football season Paul Pogba, Tammy Abraham and Marcus Rashford had all encountered racist abuse on Twitter after missing penalties.

Kick It Out reported 22,000 discriminatory online posts directed at players and teams during the European Championships in 2016. During the 2014/15 English premier League season, there was around 134,000 discriminatory posts aimed at players and clubs. Overall, an average of 16,800 discriminatory posts every month. Both pieces of research show racism being the most common form of hate speech [2]. 

        II.            Injury

One of the most recognised risk factors for psychological distress amongst athletes has been sport injury. Brewer and Petrie (1995) were among the first researchers to compare depression symptoms in athletes who had and had not experienced injuries, using a retrospective study. They found that athletes who experienced an injury during the previous year reported significantly higher depression symptom scores than those reported by non-injured athletes [3].The fear of not being able to make a comeback can affect athletes mental state after suffering from an injury.

QPR technical director Chris Ramsey has spoken about the depression he faced during his injury-hit playing days. In an interview, Ramsey said: “People don’t realise with long-term injuries you go into depression no matter how mild it is. You think about where you are in your career, if a new manager might come in who doesn’t know you – will he buy someone to replace you?” [4].

When athletes experience physical injury, there is often a team of medical employed to ensure a speedy recovery. However, when an athlete experiences a mental health issue, the treatment process is often not quite as similar. Leaving athletes feeling abandoned and unsure of where to turn.

        III.            Stress

Within elite sport, athletes face an extreme load of physical training and psychological stress, including competition-induced stress either prior, during or immediately after competition, as well as training, rehabilitation, team meetings and contract negotiations.

The stress players experience does not end when their playing career does, it follows them into retirement. For example, retired professional footballers are as likely as anyone to be exposed to stressors especially major life events.

The pressure and stigma behind being an athlete 

Athletes may even be more predisposed than the general population to depression, because of the physical and psychological demands placed on them by the sporting environment.

Mental health has the stigma of being weak, the absolute antithesis of what athletes want to portray. Elite athletes are idealised within the media, gaining them a large fan base, giving them false perceptions and the immunity to such problems.

Stigma causes athletes to disconnect from seeking help for their mental health, mainly, to avoid the label of being mentally unwell and the harm it brings on their pride.

Anyone can suffer with depression 

Mental health stigma is still an ongoing issue in society; however, with the help of athletes opening about their mental health walls are being broken.

John Kirwan (Rugby Union coach and player, New Zealand) quote: “Getting help [for depression], for someone like me who saw getting help as a weakness, was a big step. I did an awareness campaign and that first step was difficult for me. I thought people were going to think I was mad.”

Kirwan is now using his experience of suffering with depression to spread awareness and help others going through it.

Emma Mitchell, similarly, in an interview with BBC sport revealed how even after winning the league she felt “terrible” and has now learned to make room for her feelings.

Mitchell describes her struggles with mental illness: “It was like I had a constant pressure on my chest, like somebody was standing on top of me.”

In her interview with the BBC she also highlights how mental health should be valued with the same importance and support that is in place as standard for physical injury.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/49934256

Mental health in elite sport is receiving more publicity due to an increase in athletes sharing their personal experiences.

Michael Phelps and Ricky Hatton have publicly spoke about their struggles with mental health to raise awareness. This is helping break down existing barriers within sport, such as mental health making you weak.

Ricky Hatton (professional UK boxer) openly speaks about his struggle with depression in an interview.

Hatton states: “It's adrenaline, the euphoria of having your hand raised in the middle of Madison Square Garden, and then having it taken away.”

Food for thought 

Remember those 3 words you had at the start? Is it as easy to label athletes with those 3 words now? Or has your opinion changed?

N0749063

Footnotes:

[1]  Rosenbaum S, Tiedemann A, Sherrington C. (2014) Physical Activity Interventions for People with Mental Illness: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Journal of Clinical Psychiatry. 75(9): 964-974.

[2] http://theconversation.com/racist-abuse-at-football-games-is-increasing-home-office-says-but-the-sports-race-problem-goes-much-deeper-124467

[3]  Brewer, B.W & Petrie, T.A. (1995). A comparison between injured and uninjured football players on selected psychosocial variables. Acad. Athl. J. 10:11Y8.

[4] https://www.mylondon.news/sport/football/football-news/qpr-technical-director-chris-ramsey-13202247

#athletes mental health #depression #sports injuries #abuse in sport #stigma #pressure

[bbq-hawks-wings]

More Hawks HCs!

I feel like the Hawks tag has been a little bare as far as HCs go for a little bit so throwing my hat in once again while I wait for dinner to cook between stirrings.

Finances:

Hawks grew up dirt poor - like concerningly poor. Now that he's rolling in the dough he literally has no idea how he would ever spend it all.

What's more, he doesn't WANT to spend it willy-nilly. He grew up with the mindset that money was a responsibility, not a luxury. He takes his responsibility very seriously.

When he started hero work and immediately shot to the top and saw his checks swell at breakneck speeds, the first thing he did was hire a finance manager to make sure he planted his money into investments instead of burning through it or letting it sit stagnant.

He has a diverse enough portfolio that should he be out of work for good today he still wouldn't need to work another day in his life if he didn't want to.

But now that he's settled he makes a point to donate large amounts to charities focusing on underprivileged families and children in particular.

He tries to keep it under the radar, though. Part of it is him desperately trying to avoid the top hero spot but another part is a genuine sense of humility trying to do what's right.

He actually ended up with a personal procurement staff at his brand consultant's suggestion. People who are clearly paid enough money are often expected to act like it, and he almost caused a scene when he was on a live interview and learned the actual cost of his ensemble that had been picked for him.

He looked somewhere between horrified and absolutely going to be sick (Do you know exactly how many rotisserie chicken dinners that could buy?!?!), but he recovered and got someone else to hold his credit card for him. Now all he does is tell them his tastes in clothes, furniture, etc. and they find and buy it for him so he doesn't have to look at the price tag, and they only get something when he speaks up to mention it.

He has good people, though. They still try to keep costs down for his sake. He still buys all his own food, though.

Still, some habits are just a little more deeply ingrained, and he practically breathes the "reduce, reuse, recycle" mantra. He's often praised for taking care of the planet; but honestly he's just so thrifty deep into his bones it hurts to be wasteful.

He also can't help but resent people (often entitled people born into money) who don't understand how fortunate they are and take everything, especially people, for granted.

Family:

Hawks was an only child (wait and watch Horikoshi throw an enormous family in my face later) and lived with his mother, father, and grandmother.

Gran-gran was his favorite playmate, and the two were thick as theives. She was the one who really cemented many of his key values as a person as well as taught him how to fly.

His grandmother was not a conventionally attractive woman. She had pronounced, almost masculine features; a scowl that could send people running, wild hair, and a long, prominent nose. She looked like a tengu, though the wings on her back also earned her the mean nickname of "harpy" from time to time as well.

Hawks' good looks are thanks to his late grandpa - a guy with a much more bird-like quirk.

Gran-gran was clever, though, and tough as nails! She wasn't afraid to make her grandson earn all his victories in their games, but she was also doting and praised him when he did well or did his best.

God, what he wouldn't do to spend just one more festival with her watching the fireworks again. He misses her more than even he realizes.

Hawks' father did his best to provide for his family, but the financial hardships got on top of them more times than he's proud of. Sometimes it was hard for him to look his family in the eye.

His mother also tried to bring in money with odd jobs, but often ended up sick and having to rest at home. Her telekenesis quirk was what gave Hawks his quirk's competitive edge to it.

Hawks always wanted brothers or sisters, but it was never financially in the cards for them. To this day he loves big families, and the sight of parents juggling three or more children always makes him smile.

If he hadn't been taken away to boarding school for his training and separated from his family, they probably would have bonded even closer and continued to grow again. He'd hoped for that when he agreed to it; but he didn't understand the depth of the situation or the greed/desperation of the Hero Public Safety Commission.

Personal life:

Hawks is too busy for a pet, but that hasn't stopped him from wondering what kind he'd get if he could.

He really does just get along well with birds, so he'd probably get one, but a smaller one that probably wouldn't outlive him. He couldn't do that to the poor thing, nor could he only get one. Bare minimum he would ever get of any pet is two because even if he wasn't as busy as he was he probably still couldn't necessarily give a social bird the time it needed to be happy. Friends are a must.

As much as he loves the personality of the larger birds, he knows it takes a lot of patience to live with them on top of the life span thing, so he'd probably get some parakeets or cockatiels.

He'd be lying if he didn't admit getting chickens has crossed his mind on several occasions.

If he had to pick a fuzzy buddy, though, he likes ferrets. When they're not bouncing off the walls full of energy, they're out cold for a good snooze. (That's the life!)

Learning how to play an instrument is also on his bucket list. He knows it's so basic, but he would love to pick up the guitar. He doesn't expect to be any kind of amazing musician and his singing voice is less than stellar; but he'd just like to be able to play some of his favorite tunes for himself from time to time.

He's an easy person to like, but he is not easy to love or live with. Much of his darker personality traits come out the more time he spends with people. They aren't "evil" traits, by any means, but much more like survival mechanisms developed by the lifestyle forced on him that are clearly unhealthy the longer you look at them.

Like his instinctual need to control any given circumstance or interaction. It's not something he does out of malice; but it becomes obvious if you look close enough. He doesn't feel like he has agency over his own life, and people on all sides are always trying to take advantage of him.

He also ever so subtly changes his persona depending on the situation and company present. It's such a habit at this point even he doesn't realize he does it. We've seen before that he can expertly read a room and react accordingly.

Hawks is also used to putting up emotional barriers between himself and people with potentially meaningful relationships to him. Whether consciously or not, since losing his family he's afraid of losing people important to him again.

This poor man is also unbelievably touch starved. His childhood was filled with affectionate hugs and roughhousing as it was one of the few things they had in spades. Now, not only is he alone in the middle of a VERY "hands-off" society, he has his public image to manage as well.

Someone get this guy a therapist, seriously! He's too close to the situation to realize how precarious and easily compromisable his mental health state is, but on all sides are people that would discourage him from seeking therapy because it could be considered as being "weak" where mental illness is stigmatized.

Hawks has only been truly furious once in his life as a adolescent. It was terrifying for everyone there at the time as he completely let loose and lost control in the heat of the moment. He tries to keep himself reined in since then, but as with many other things doesn't realize he may be making it worse by bottling up his frustrations and shoving it down.

That isn't to say he's incapable of deep, meaningful relationships - romantic or platonic - but the amount of firm patience and persistence needed from the other party nears sainthood. He craves those relationships and NEEDS them, but he's deathly afraid of losing them as well as being vulnerable and taken advantage of.

If he got even just one or two people that could truly love him unconditionally like that, that would be enough for him to completely reprioritize everything. His hero's heart was born out of love and uncertainty about tomorrow as a child; and Commission or not he would have become a hero in the end anyway. As a grown man, that kind of love would drive him to be a force to be reckoned with the kind that would make his past accomplishments pale in comparison.

To be clear, a good friend or a lover would not "fix" him, but would certainly help and encourage him make the time and space he needs to examine and work through his own issues he's let bottle up for so long. There just isn't much pushing him to do so while he's as isolated as he is.

(I've made myself really sad now...)

He's a generous friend and lover, though, once he allows himself to open up. Though from an outside perspective Hawks really doesn't need much - just patience and time and attention - to him it's everything, and he'll do nearly anything to show his gratitude for it.

(That's a little better)

That turned out way longer than anticipated, but here ya go! I promise I'll get back to writing (haven't forgotten those kiss prompts!) soon. I have a commission and a painting to finish, but now that baby takes regular naps I can finally take time for me again!

#hawks #hawks mha #mha hawks #hawks bnha #bnha hawks #hawks hcs #she writes

[insanityinherited]

Love In The Time of Covid19

Well, here we are. The invisible zombie apocalypse. The end of the world as we know it. Covid19. It seems as though that poor Mayan calendar maker was dyslexic... it wasn’t 2012 that the world was slated to end, it was 2021 and someone got it backwards. Fuck me.

I think I have officially reached the point of not-coping-well. It’s day twelve of the invisible zombie apocalypse and I’m at work, starting on day four of officially-not-coping. On Monday, I contained my panic internally and worked extra hours. Then I went for a run. Voluntarily. Turns out that in the middle of a respiratory related pandemic, having a huge asthma attack in a public place isn’t great. On Tuesday, telehealth cock-ups with my GP [who is wonderful] meant that apart from suddenly needing to teach a home school class about neurodiversity, I also needed to cave and take diazepam. Even with my newly-discovered acceptance and love of my quite-amazing-and-very-different brain, I still prefer not to use medications where possible. Diazepam is addictive. My mother and father both have addictions and I’m pretty sure that I, like 95% of the western adult population, have an addiction to caffeine. On Wednesday, homeschool wasn’t working. Neither of the boys was feeling it, and I honestly was so full of unsettled feelings that I decided to skip the ‘remote learning’ structure and give the kids a lesson in listening to their bodies needs. It was sort of a weak excuse for lying on the floor with L7 and the cat, but my Brains and theirs needed a break from reality. Today I am just vibrating. I’m able to focus for about as long as a 4 year old, and that’s going to have to be enough. After listening to an interview on ABC this morning with one of the directors from Monash Alfred Psych, I know that people with existing mental health conditions are going to have those conditions exacerbated by the current IZA [Invisible Zombie Apocalypse]. The whole point of this post today is to list some of the ways this crazy is affcting me, but also to list some of the things I’ve been using to calm myself down. It’s interesting, because normally I deal with my Brains freaking out about the past, which while valid can usually be dealt with in a better way. Freaking out about the present seems very valid and honestly, I think it’s a little bit the best way to cope right now.

I am “freaking out”. I am vibrating with ticks and jiggles like an over caffeinated cat in a bath. I am trying to catch my racing thoughts like a tiger trying to catch a freeze of panicked penguins. I am more exhausted than a sleep deprived sloth. I am about as motivated as a baker without flour or an oven. I’m flashing between suicide, self harm and a weird panicked apathy that I don’t really understand. It’s like I have present-day-anxiety and past-tense-anxiety at the same time. Fucking Weird. It’s not that I’m afraid of the virus. Either I will get it, or I won’t. What I am not coping with is the total and complete lack of routine. The rules change every day or every couple of days. When the rules *do* change, it’s often unclear if some activities are still allowed or not allowed. As someone who has some serious trauma related to getting in trouble for not following the rules [despite actually having followed the rules], this uncertainty Does. Not. Help. This is added to the fact that I am most comfortable in a black and white word where the right thing to do is clearly visible to me.

I’m trying really hard to combat these problems as best I can. I have started developing a routine that is flexible around the changing requirements of each day. I’m also making sure I have the things I need with me all the time - something sensory, some caffeine, some chocolate and my emergency stash of diazepam. I’m also trying to limit my exposure to the things I can’t control. I listen to the news when I’m eating, and only then. I take my exercise at night time, when I am less likely to see people out breaking the rules. I am being realistic in my expectations about my achievements and the abilities of the people around me. We do the bare minimum of school work. We follow the rules abut hygiene and social distancing.

One thing I need to work through is balancing my mental health and physical health. All the rules about physical distance say that I should limit my exposure to people I don’t live with as much as possible. All the rules about my mental health say that if I don’t get to see Boo in person, I’m probably going to go insane, or seriously hurt myself. In normal circumstances, this would be a no-brainier. Go and see Boo for her birthday because staying alive and unharmed is important for both her and I. However, there’s a question of whether or not it’s wise... I need this to stay alive, but what good is being alive if I get Covid19? On the other hand, what’s the point of being alive if I’m going to end up in a psych ward because I can’t take care of myself? It’s a bit messy.

I don’t have the answers for this one on my own, so I’m going to toddle off and seek some professional wisdom...

[musical-chick-13]

People talk a lot about how judgmental and patronizing people are to single people, how not being part of a romantic or sexual relationship doesn’t make you less than, that being single is a perfectly valid life choice, that people are tired of feeling like they have to be forced into relationships when they’d rather be romantically unattached.

But what happens when you’re single but still want to be in a relationship? When you are trying and wish to date someone, but just can’t find anyone.

I don’t really see anyone talking about that. So, since this is what I do with my blog regarding any topic no one else has written about the way I want, I’m going to.

Sometimes, the feeling of being alone really sucks. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge introvert, and I LOVE reading alone in my room at 2am and coming home from rehearsal, making tea, and locking my door, never to speak to another human until I have to do my job the next day.

But sometimes, I want someone to hold me, to kiss me, to go on dates with me and tell me I’m beautiful and loved and who gets me in a way no one else does. It’s not for lack of trying. I crush hard and relatively frequently, and it’s always been on good, reliable, single people I’m compatible with. And I have always made a habit to tell whomever I’m interested in that I have feelings for them (barring a few exceptions, like if said person gets into a new relationship before I have the chance to say anything). I’ve given the “nice guys” a chance because they were there and, well, even if I didn’t like them, I couldn’t find anything wrong with them. (Sidebar, you don’t actually owe anyone anything, you’re never under any obligation to go out with someone.) Dating websites really aren’t for me, though this revelation was achieved through a great deal of deliberate consideration. I meet a lot of different people of various opinions, life experiences, and sexualities through theatre, which is my job, but there still hasn’t been...well, anyone.

It’s not my fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. Circumstances have just not lined up. It isn’t because I’m overly selfish or incompetent or too jealous or not talented enough or because people suck or are shallow and no one could ever find me attractive. A romantic relationship, as much as I want one, has simply never happened. And I would love, and I mean LOVE, to believe that isn’t a reflection on me, that it doesn’t mean anything, that it doesn’t affect my life in any significant way, but...well, it does.

Because on one side, I have all the people telling me that wanting to be paired up is buying into an idealized version of love, and that I am a so-called “bad feminist” for wanting to be in a romantic relationship, instead of being singularly focused on my career or friends. That wanting love outside of myself makes me weak or buys into the patriarchy or is a sign that I have been brainwashed by society and its archaic views.

And then I have the other side that gives me a pitiful look, an insincere and patronizing “Well, you’re still rather young, you’ll find someone,” a glare of poorly-disguised judgment. There is a subtle but distinct divide put up between them and me, the people who are “worldly,” who know their way around a relationship, who have experienced the feeling of wanting and being wanted back. A feeling which, apparently, makes it harder for them to meaningfully relate to me, having not personally experienced it. I am cut out of conversations at parties and while getting ready in dressing rooms because I have nothing to offer in regard to relationship gossip. It is automatically assumed during discussions of being an adult or dealing with mature topics that I cannot possibly know what I’m talking about because the lack of having had a romantic relationship somehow makes me completely naive and unable to offer advice or worthwhile personal anecdotes. I try to talk about the struggles of dating, and no one can relate to me because they all have experience that I, for a variety of reasons, simply lack.

And this...can easily take its toll on a person. Sometimes, I feel very lonely, not because I need someone with me at all times or think that being romantically involved is Super Important Above All Else, but simply because I am cut off from a part of life and personal experience (or conversely, enlightened singlehood and active rejection of that experience) most people seem to have.

I do not personally know one single person with any capacity for romantic attraction who has also never been in a relationship, and while I would, ideally, take the opportunity to celebrate my uniqueness among my circle of friends and acquaintances because my uniquenesses are, by definition, what make me me, all it has done is make me feel isolated, pathetic, and alone.

I don’t think I deserve to feel like that. I don’t think any single person deserves to feel like that. Who I am as a person isn’t defined by whether or not someone’s brain produces the same happy love chemicals at the same time mine does. I am not my relationship status (or lack thereof). I am simply me. A musician, a loyal friend, an advocate of mental health reform, a proud member of the bisexual community, a lover of flawed fantasy TV and obscure musical comedies, a curious woman on a quest for knowledge who does calculus for fun and reads too much Good Omens fanfiction. Just to name a few things. And although other people’s opinions don’t really matter, I still wish they would see that instead of Poor Area Single Who Needs Help.

I don’t have any answers. I...don’t really know how to deal with this or what I hoped to accomplish by writing this out. But I do know that I haven’t really seen this particular experience described in a way I could relate to, and, well, I’ve found that discussing my feelings through writing helps me to better deal with them. And if I can help anyone also feeling these things to feel less alone, then all the better. I do think we tend to commodify romantic love, and I think sometimes we can lose sight of just how much that can hurt people. Even people actively seeking it.

And there is nothing wrong with seeking it. Just as there is nothing wrong with not having it. My heart is my own and doesn’t rely on someone else’s feelings or proximity to keep beating. That’s not how human anatomy works. And as we reevaluate our ideals and what things like self-love and feminism and happiness truly mean, I hope we can all collectively realize that.

#relationships #love #loneliness #identity #single #being single #the single life #singlehood #singlism #can you believe I essentially wrote an AP English essay on my feelings about chronic singlehood #also if anyone comes on this post to say how *You'll find someone someday* or *I'm so happy in my relationship I want that for you too* #I will literally actually block you that wasn't the point of this post and I'm tired