#she willingly stayed behind to die because she didn’t want to live anymore. she didn’t take the action herself but it’s still suicide.

[proudfreakmetarusonniku]

also i just wanna give a quick note to ppl bc I’ve seen this happen before when characters commit suicide- please be careful how you phrase posts about them having a happy afterlife/being happier/ect. like that is not necessarily a bad thing to do but you do have to be careful. q!jaiden commited suicide. she chose to die to the nuke due to her own grief and trauma. now obviously stuff just depicting her chilling with the dead eggs and server members is fine, but specifically framing it as her being better off dead due to said grief and trauma or framing it like she could never heal or be better alive can be extremely triggering to people with suicidal ideation. obviously out of universe we know jaiden has said she'd make it more angsty if she was alive, but in-universe the idea that q!jaiden could only be happy through killing herself is just like. potentially very harmful.

#idk if people are doing it bc again not really familiar with the qsmp fandom but I have seen it happen in others #and like. i get the idea but like. q!jaiden committed suicide. that is explicitly what jaiden has said. #she willingly stayed behind to die because she didn’t want to live anymore. she didn’t take the action herself but it’s still suicide. #pleaee be careful with that #suicide tw

[no-droids]

Ch 17 was so, so, so good (thank you!!) 🥺 i am still processing. ((Edit: this turned into an essay so i Am Very Sorry in advance, there is a tldr at the end though))

First of all. We get to see Din going through it the same way sweet girl was a couple chapters ago and I love it! She’s been so clear from the start that she doesn’t want to run away from him and now Din’s getting to the point where he doesn’t want to chase her anymore because he just wants her to be physically there with him again. The second night of comms while she’s camped out at the orphanage?? “I thought this was going to be alright, but I hate it.” ??????????? i am a Puddle of Emotions no one look at me 😭

And then the way he’s so unsure about whether she hasnt begun to reconsider wanting to keep up with his bounty-hunter life now that she’s finally gotten a break if being forced to outrun a mandalorian can be really even be called a break for the first time in a year?? And he can SEE all the places she’s stopped to talk to people on this planet (his comment about the number of times the blond guy turned around to talk to her in the line? 🥺.) Din knows she’s enjoying these small encounters with people, getting to interact with a new planet and learn new things as she’s making her way through each place, and since they’re only talking at night he gets to think about it literally all day long as he follows her trail and tries to figure out what her plan is. This is truly an exercise in Din thinking nonstop about sweet girl (which ofc he does already, but like, thinking critically about what she thinks/wants/does/needs and why) and I feel like that’s causing him to slowly start to second guess himself in terms of where he would put himself on sweet girl’s list of priorities. And I wonder how much of this he’s actually considering for the first time? because it’s always him who leaves and comes back when he gets jobs — this is the first time that sweet girl has left him instead of the other way around. Sweet girl has had tons of time to think about these things, whereas Din hasn’t really had to... because it’s not the one who leaves who feels the absence most, it’s the one who’s left behind (even if just temporarily).

I can just picture Din’s increasing doubts as the chase keeps going, whether he’s worth putting up with his lifestyle and whether sweet girl wouldn’t rather have a life like the people he sees in the footprints around hers? because he knows her, knows she likes soft beds and meeting people and fresh fruit and beautiful scenery, which are all things that living on the razor crest can’t always provide except for the last one bc Din Djarin IS beautiful scenery let’s be clear and just. the ANGST. I cannot. ( a n d meanwhile sweet girl is having a breakdown thinking he wants to STOP looking and LEAVE her? As if)

So when she shuts down his tentative doubts about it on the second night she’s at the orphanage and Din starts asking questions about favorite animals and flowers and things?? 🥺🥺🥺🥺 I lost it. Din is mirroring the love and care he receives from sweet girl (and learning to tap into those emotions as he does) and I am just in awe of both his character development from ch 1 to here and your ability to show that gradual shift in your writing.

Tl;dr thank you very much for this latest chapter! I will continue to be a soft emotional little puddle for the foreseeable future, or at least until I can figure out to scrape myself off the floor and function like a human being who has not just read rough day ch 17 and promptly dissolved as a direct result🌻

okay

okay first of all ma’am/sir/friend, please do not put tl;dr’s on a fucking MASTERFUL DISSECTION LIKE THAT like I genuinely hope people read every word of what you have written because you’re so spot on about everything that I was almost taken aback JEJFJJDJFJF

I would like to say, and I need to do this in list form because you have presented so many beautiful points that I’d like to address them one by one,

1.) Din Djarin is used to being alone. Full stop. Like even with sweet girl helping out with the baby and agreeing to stay on the ship while he goes and grabs quarry, he’s gone for weeks sometimes. He is used to being by himself, to fending for himself, protecting himself, patching himself up, EVERYTHING by himself. He is the most independent self-sufficient driven bounty hunter Karga has on the payroll and he’s reliable, which is why Karga would give him four pucks at a time. Giving anyone else four pucks would mean that if they happened to die during their hunts, then more than one puck would be lost and that’s money down the drain. Din doesn’t die, he always comes back with all four bodies and he’s fucking quick about it. Him telling sweet girl “I thought this was gonna be alright” is apt, because he’s been able to exist without her and do good work while he knows she’s safe on the Crest. In fact, the only time he EVER didn’t do good work is when a) she was attacked on the Crest on Corellia, or b) when he desperately wanted to get back to her as quick as possible and he pushed himself too hard and put himself in danger (aka frozen on Hoth scene). And actually c) when he stole Grogu back from the empire and had Karga and the guild on his ass about it. Those were the only times Din had trouble doing his job. The only times he stopped looking and gave up. “I thought this was going to be alright, but I hate it” means that YES ABSOLUTELY DIN DJARIN DOES NOT LIKE STAYING PUT WHILE SHE LEAVES, even though he’s okay with going out and doing his job when she stays. Even though he’s still hunting, it’s like the roles have been reversed. She’s understanding his side, and he’s understanding her side. It’s been 4 days and he hates it, so imagine weeks or months of that. Not being able to move or chase after her either, just hanging out on the crest with Grogu and waiting to see if she’ll be able to make it back. Which

2.) makes it hurt just a lil more in that wonderful delicious angsty way when he actually asks if she wants this life. On Naboo, he didn’t know where she went or where the kid was—he didn’t know if they were in danger, if she was safe. He said he’d rip the galaxy apart to find her if she ever disappeared like that again. But... she’d be safe on Sanctuary II. This is different, and just like you said, he’s had multiple days where all he did was try to think like her. Get in her head, predict her. Understand her more than he’s ever attempted to do before, in a NECESSARY capacity, like he would a bounty he’s hunting. Din Djarin is used to being alone. He’s used to being silent and that’s how connections are severed before they can even be established. His only practice at empathy was through his job, a job that he is very very good at, but it was never enough to get him to stop looking. He would never be able to empathize enough to ask if the bounty wanted him to stop looking for them. Even with the baby, he turned him in at first and then let the guilt eat him alive before going back to save him. So, if you couple that with his true connection to sweet girl, the natural empathy he has for her and the kid (him immediately following her after he accidentally snapped at her on the Crest and apologizing) and Din is now TRULY beginning to understand her on a level he’s never experienced with another person

3.) BUT!!! Even though he “needed to ask” (meaning he understood enough to know that asking the question was necessary) he started out the entire conversation by admitting he doesn’t think he could do it. Before ever telling her what specifically he doesn’t think he could do, he already knows this about himself and says it flat out. I don’t think I could. Even if you asked me to, even if you said you’d be happier if I did, even if you told me right now that it’s what you wanted, I don’t think I could ever stop looking. And a lot of the turmoil he experiences is because of that. I make you sleep on the floor. I teach you to fight when you just want to look at waterfalls. I do all these things that you’d never willingly do yourself, and I’m a bad person BECAUSE I still want you to always be here with me in spite of all that.

4.) Meanwhile sweet girl just has no fucking clue all this is happening and it seems to come out of nowhere, all she knows is that he’s been in the city when he should’ve caught up to her days ago. She’s out experiencing things and meeting new people and yet she always comes back to Din and the baby and how much they should be here with her. She tries to come up with clever ways to outthink him but she also offers to give her coordinates to him practically every single night. Her wanting to be with him so bad but trying to hold out (“ask me again tomorrow”) while Din is also wanting to be with her so bad and also trying to hold out (“find her again tomorrow”) 🥺

So yeah basically in conclusion I love them together and they’re so different but they make each other somehow both stronger and softer in so many ways and yeah u mighta heard of DD/LG u kinky fucks but lemme present to u DD/SG

#ask #anon #I am so sorry I rambled so long jshdjdjdjddh #rough day spoilers

[angellesword]

MAGIC SHOP | JJK (FINAL CHAPTER)

Description: You and Jungkook were best friends who were in love with each other. What would happen when Soojin, your half sister who you’re trying to impress, told you she’s in love with Jungkook too?

Alternatively:

“Would you believe me if I said that I was scared of everything too?”

Pairing: Architect!Jungkook x Architect!Reader

Genre: childhood best friends to lovers, family drama, angst, fluff, idiots to lovers, pining, slice of life au.

Warnings: none except kissing (There’s so much reconciliation happening in this chapter, lol)

Chapter’s OST: Magic Shop by 방탄소년단 (See English lyrics here)

Word Count: 3.9k

Series: CHAPTER 14 | CHAPTER 01

"I can't believe you got married," the smile you rendered to your brother was soft as you helped him fix his bow tie.

Taehyung hated bow ties, but he knew he had to endure wearing one today. It's his wedding day after all. Besides, ditching the said tie would definitely sadden his husband. It's something Taehyung couldn't afford to make the love of his life feel, mainly because Yoongi seemed very excited when he told Taehyung he designed their wedding outfits himself.

"I got married and I'm doing it all over again." Taehyung grinned back at you.

It's refreshing to see his boxy smile after many months of awkward eye contacts and tightlipped smiles.

Taehyung avoided you for a long time because he was embarrassed. He wasn't an idiot. He knew there's a part of you that blamed him for not being able to see your father for the last time. If he had only gone with you to Seoul, you'd probably be given a chance to say your goodbyes to Taemin, but alas, those days were over.

You just hoped your father was in a good place now. He deserved it even though he'd be shitty to you. You realized you didn't want to hold grudges any longer.

You hated the idea of spending your days filled with rage and pain. No. You didn't deserve it. They might not be worthy of your forgiveness, but you also didn't deserve to feel the heaviness in your chest just by thinking about them. Besides, those who hurt you and the people around you were already paying for their wrongdoings.

Namjoon and Hoseok often called to tell you what's happening in Seoul since you're already back here in New York. Apparently, there's already a verdict in Soojin's case. Your sister was deemed guilty for almost all criminal and civil cases she was facing. You also came to know that Sin-ae was pressed with charges for helping her daughter hide and destroy evidence in a crime. She wasn't incarcerated though. Sin-ae simply paid a fine of a few thousands of dollars.

Needless to say, her family's reputation was ruined. She sacrificed a lot of things just to maintain a good public image. She even went as far as tolerating you instead of going to court to sue her husband and your mother for concubinage. But in the end, she still lost.

She couldn't face the public with pride and joy anymore. Hoseok was the one who told you about this heartbreaking news. Namjoon didn't have the courage to do it. Sure, he helped your eldest brother, however it didn't mean he's guilt-free. There were times when he felt like he betrayed his own family, mainly because Sin-ae expressed her hatred towards him.

You suspected that the only reason why Namjoon called you and Taehyung was because he was afraid he's losing his mind. You and Taehyung were his only reminder that he did what's right. You wished Namjoon would learn to live with the decision he made too.

"Ah, I'm happy you didn't forget to invite me this time." You poked your brother's stomach as a response to his smug claim that he's getting married to the love of his life for the second time.

Yes, second time. Taehyung and Yoongi's family and friends demanded that they get married again. It's unfair that you all didn't get to attend the first time they did it.

"It's a spur-of-the-moment decision!" Your brother and his husband would argue every time you teased them about forgetting to inform you about this big decision.

Truthfully, you didn't really mind that they got married behind your back. What worried you was that you felt like your brother only agreed to marry Yoongi because he was lonely and grieving.

You see, it hadn't been a while since your father died. If you remembered it correctly, you only stayed in Seoul for three months after his death. The day you went back to New York was also the day you had learned your brother was married to Yoongi for almost a week already.

No one knew, not even Jimin. Your roommate rarely saw them after you went back to Seoul. He wanted to give Taehyung space, especially because Jimin was aware that your brother's way of coping up with pain was by pretending like the problem didn't exist at all. This was why he chose to go to New York after telling his family about his sexuality. He pretended like he didn't care about what they thought and that he was better off on his own, but deep inside, he was afraid too. He was scared to fuck up again, scared to push people because he might lose them in an instant. You guessed this was why he married your best friend. Maybe he was afraid he'd end up taking him for granted. After all, Yoongi had sacrificed many things in order to be with him.

But you didn't doubt Taehyung's feelings anymore. He wouldn't agree to marry Yoongi for the second time if he didn't love him, right? Besides, your brother willingly chose to move in with Yoongi even before they got married.

It was lonely to stay in your shared apartment with Jimin. He missed and felt sorry for you. It didn't help that your roommate kept calling you, reminding Taehyung of the mess at home that he chose to ignore.

Anyway, moving in with Yoongi was for the best. At least Taehyung wouldn't feel bad for disturbing you and Jimin anymore. He knew there were times your roommate just wanted to chill and watch movies in the living room, but he couldn't because Taehyung was sleeping on the couch.

Unfortunately there's a new person invading your apartment.

"Are you two ready?" Jungkook, the same person who was staying with you and Jimin for two days now, barged inside the dressing room, disturbing your little moment with Taehyung. "The guests are waiting and your husband is sweating so much. I think he just wants to kiss you and get this over with, Taehyungie-hyung."

Jungkook had an innocent look on his face that you didn't even realize that he's saying what he wanted to do with you right now: kiss you and bring you back to Seoul with him.

Two days ago was the first time he saw you in person after you left Seoul eight months ago. If Taehyung and Yoongi didn't invite him to the wedding, Jungkook wasn't sure what excuse to make to see you again.

Talking to you through the screen of his phone wasn't enough. He craved to be with you. It's unfair that Jimin, your other suitor, got to spend time with you while he was stuck in Seoul, thousands of miles away from you.

But little did Jungkook know, he had the advantage here. He's the one you loved, not Jimin. Your roommate accepted it already. He kept telling you it's okay, that you didn't owe him anything. Jimin knew from the very start that you only saw him as a friend. You also assured him there was someone out there who could return his feelings.

In fact, you felt like he had met her already. Chou Tzuyu, the pretty girl next door. He was Jimin's date today.

"Really?" Taehyung snorted but he was smug when he said, "but we literally just fucked two hours ago—"

"Please stop. I don't need to hear this." You pouted. Jungkook chuckled as he stepped closer to you, he was still keeping a fair distance though.

"And here I am, only allowed to see the girl I love on special occasions."

"Bloody hell. Are you two still playing this game?" Taehyung grunted, looking at you and Jungkook in disbelief. "Can't you just kiss and be together already?"

Heat travelled to your face upon hearing your brother’s complaint. Jungkook chuckled again.

"Don't look at me. I'm trying here..." He was. He always tried to win you over.

You're just stubborn.

"Enough about us. This is your day, oppa." With this, you and Jungkook both escorted your brother out of the dressing room.

Hoseok and Namjoon would be the one to walk Taehyung down the aisle. Sin-ae didn’t want to attend, she said she’d rather visit Soojin in jail. As for Seokjin, well, he also wanted to walk his brother down the aisle, but Yoongi asked him to officiate their wedding instead.

Seokjin and Yoongi were already waiting at the altar. The theme of this event was a garden wedding. You were in awe as you watched the couple exchange vows while surrounded by pretty flowers and colorful butterflies.

You're glad they're doing this. Taehyung and his husband first got married in Vegas. It was rushed and not as heartwarming as this one. At least today they got to see that their family and friends were very proud of them. In fact, Seokjin made the couple cry when he abruptly stopped his brother from putting a ring on Yoongi's finger.

Seokjin brought out a ring box. You all gasped when he opened it, revealing the traditional wedding ring of the Kims. It was passed to the eldest child every generation. It meant a lot to Taehyung that Seokjin was doing this, however your brother said it's not his decision alone.

Before Taemin died, he told Seokjin to hand the ring to Taehyung. It's baffling, considering the fact that Taemin spent years hating his son just because he was gay.

Seokjin didn't say but Taemin made this decision the day before the accident occurred. It's like their father knew he was going to die and that he wanted to apologize to Taehyung for not treating him right.

Taemin also instructed Seokjin to give you a certain box but your brother figured it's best to hand it to you after the wedding. The box contained the set of Farnsworth House LEGO Architecture—Jungkook's gift to you during your sixteenth birthday.

You remembered the time when you and your sister were fighting over it, with Soojin insisting that the gift belonged to her. Taemin confiscated it, saying that if you two couldn't share, then no one could have it.

You didn't mind sharing, just like how you didn't mind seeing Yoongi and Taehyung share a passionate kiss.

Your heart hurt but in a good way. It's remarkable to see the two people you loved find their way to each other's arms.

The ceremony ended with a round of applause and with Jungkook hugging and kissing your temple as he whispered how much he loved you.

The reception of the wedding was also in the same garden where the ceremony was held. The sun had set and now fairy lights illuminated the place.

It's romantic. You saw Jimin and Tzuyu dancing a few feet away from where you're standing. Your roommate's hands were wrapped around his date's waist. Jungkook was holding you like that too, or maybe your and Jungkook's position was more intimate. Your forehead was pressed against his. You could feel him nuzzling your cheek.

"Miss you, Tiger..." Your best friend murmured, lips trailing your cheek down to the side of your mouth.

You tightened your embrace to him as you admitted, "I miss you too, Kook." Because you did. More than so much. Seeing him now made you feel like you could finally breathe.

You didn't know how you survived the past months without him by your side.

"You do?" Jungkook hummed, his voice was innocent and full of hope as he continued asking you a question. "Will you come home with me, then?"

"I have work here, Kook.."

"So quit and accept my proposal." He grumbled and kissed the side of your mouth once more, hoping that it's enough to coax you.

Jungkook built his own architectural firm. He proposed to you, saying that he wanted to run the company with you. A professional partnership. You two were competent enough to do this.

His proposal was lame though. You told him he needed to make a concrete business plan to convince you to accept the job. So far, all his proposals didn't spark excitement.

"Please, baby, I can't spend one more day away from you." He was begging, big doe eyes and all. "Just give me more time and I'll perfect that business plan."

You threw your head back and laughed. You actually laughed because he was adorable and because you were insanely in love with him too.

"You have a month, Architect Jeon." You said, finally relenting.

"Yes!" Jungkook briefly let go of you to punch the air. He was so excited you could literally see his body shaking.

"I only need two more weeks, baby..."

You did it.

You really quit your job and went back to Seoul with Jungkook. Admittedly, you were thrilled but at the same time, you were scared to death.

You were officially jobless now. You knew Hoseok wouldn't hesitate to hire you but you didn't want to live your life like that. You helped him break the chain when your father died. You couldn't create another one.

Apart from this, you trusted Jungkook. He said he needed fourteen days to show you that his firm was viable. You had no doubt about this, but as a future partner, you should learn how to practice professional skepticism.

"Is the blindfold really necessary?" You groaned at Jungkook, already pissed because he disturbed your peaceful morning at your eldest brother's place.

You were staying at Hoseok's apartment again. It's difficult to find a place of your own. If you were to become Jungkook's partner at the firm, then you would need to find a home near the office building.

Jungkook's architectural firm was situated on the fourth floor of Queens Building. Architect Jeon decided to rent a space first because his business was just starting. He started operating ten months ago. Perhaps he could buy a piece of land if you chose to form a professional partnership with him.

"It is. I told you this will determine my future with you." Jungkook said as he guided you.

Today was the day he'd present his business plan. He said it took him more than eight months to finish the proposal. However you weren't sure if this was still a proposal because your jaw dropped the moment he removed your blindfold.

This wasn't a proposal.

Architect Jeon Jungkook literally built a shop for you.

"Welcome to Magic Shop, Tiger." Jungkook's grin was big as he beckoned you to enter the place.

You remained rooted in your spot though, still in awe. The facade of this shop was aesthetically pleasing. On the left side of the wooden door was a pot of red flowers. A display of books on the other hand, could be seen on the right side of the door.

You could also hear a pleasing melody as you roamed your eyes around the place. You realized the music was coming from the inside of the shop.

I know that you're hesitating because even if you say the truth in the end it will all return as scars

"Come on, Tiger..." Jungkook held your hand. He could feel fear radiating from you.

You were probably afraid to discover what he prepared for you.

I'm not going to say anything blatant like "find strength"

"Okay..." You sucked in a deep breath as you gripped his hand. Jungkook led you inside the shop.

The inside was better than what you saw outside. There were no other people here aside from you and him.

You let go of Jungkook's hand since you were excited to check out the whole place. Jungkook let you be, allowing you to explore what he built just to make you stay.

Jungkook watched as you picked up a book, flipping through the pages like you were interested to see what's written there.

But that's the thing.

There's nothing written there. The books had blank pages.

I will let you hear my story, let you hear it

The lyrics of the song demonstrated the very purpose of these books. Jungkook explained that people could come and go to this place, especially if they felt like the outside world was too much, like it was suffocating them.

What did I say?

They could grab a book and write down their stories.

I said you'd win, didn't I?

They could let out their emotions through writing. It didn't matter if they'd only share their worries because someday, Jungkook knew these people would come back.

I couldn't believe it (really)

They would come back and reread their entries, and then they'd realize that they made it.

Could I win it?

That they really won.

This miracle that isn't a miracle

They'd think it's a miracle, but really, it's on them. They worked hard, they didn't give up, and they pulled themselves from a very dark place.

Did we make it?

Just like what you did.

(No) I was here

Just like what your mother and the rest of her circle in the CA meeting did.

You wrote a single entry in the book before returning it to the shelf.

You were the one that made your way to me

Entry: I’m scared because I quit my job without thinking. No, wait. I did think. I thought about the person I love. He wants to be with me. I do too. He promised he'd stay with me.

I do believe your galaxy

And you believed him. You believed his galaxy, that it's going to shine bright and guide you.

I want to listen to your melody

Jungkook's way of saying that he was here for you was through murmuring I love you. This was his melody.

Your stars in the Milky Way

His doe eyes lit this world full of despair.

Don't forget that I found you anyways

Jungkook found you when you're suffering alone.

At the end of my despair

He didn't stop supporting you even when you pushed him away, even if you told him you didn't want him to fix you.

You're the last reason for me who was standing at the edge of the cliff

He would never let you jump off a cliff. He would stay there and inspire you to

Live

On days I hate being myself, days I want to disappear forever

But Jungkook learned his lesson. He understood what you meant when you said you didn't want to be fixed.

Let's make a door in your heart

So he literally made a door instead.

Open the door and this place will await. It's okay to believe, the Magic Shop will comfort you

A door that would lead you to a place where you could find comfort, a place where you wouldn't be forced to share and solve your problems at once.

You could just chill and take a break here.

While drinking a glass of hot tea

You went to the second floor of the Magic Shop, there's a corner where you could drink different kinds of tea. There were tables and chairs if ever you preferred to talk to someone and share to them your problems. This corner was for extroverts and those who felt comfortable talking to others.

And looking up at the Milky Way

There were bean bags as well. You could drink tea here alone while looking up at the sky shining with stars.

You'll be alright, oh, this here is the Magic Shop

"You'll be alright here, Tiger." Jungkook was standing behind you. He gave you a back-hug while you both enjoyed the fresh air in the veranda.

So show me (I'll show you)

"I built this place for you, baby. I won't force you to tell me things anymore..."

So show me (I'll show you)

"I won't try to solve your problem if you don't want me to..." He kissed your nape.

So show me (I'll show you)

"I won't try to fix you..."

Show you show you

"Because you're not a thing. You're a person who needs to feel and to heal."

Like a rose when blooming, like cherry blossoms when being scattered in the wind

You were going to bloom and stop hurting at your own pace and way. He would encourage you to spread your wings and fly, enjoying the wind.

My greed that was my weapon suffocated me and also became a leash,

"Thank you, Kook..." You turned to face him. Your eyes glistened with tears of joy.

You couldn't believe he still remembered what you said to him two years ago, the thing where you didn't want him to fix you.

You're also glad he understood what you meant. Jungkook understood the type of love you needed, but days ago, you asked him when he realized he loved you.

but looking back on it now, truthfully I feel like it's not true that I wanted to be the best

Jungkook said you had to wait for a few more days to know the answer. Today, you came to know his reason.

I wanted to become your comfort and move your heart. I want to take away your sadness, and pain

"I was a very selfish person before I met you. I used to believe that what's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too."

You laughed at that. It sounded like little Jungkook. If Jong-in was alive, he'd probably nod his head in agreement.

"But just by looking at you makes me want to give you everything already, you know?"

Would you believe me if I said that I was scared of everything too?

"That's what love is for me. To offer you everything, but I learned what truly matters. I don't have to sacrifice and break myself for love. All I want now is to simply be your comfort, the shoulder you can use to lean on. That's the love I want to receive too."

Jungkook was saying the time you two spent away from each other made him realize what he wanted too. He tried to put himself in your shoes, making him realize that he wouldn't want you to take the blame and do everything for him.

He just needed you to stay with him while he fixed himself. He knew now that this was what you desired as well.

"So to answer your question why I love you. Well, it's because—" He swallowed hard as he stared deep in your soul. "You gave me the best of me."

He learned not to be selfish but also to not offer his one hundred percent to someone, that he should still leave some love for himself too.

"And I know you'll give you the best of you too." Was the major realization he came to know as to why you didn't need to be fixed.

You'd do it yourself. You'll find it, the galaxy inside you at some point.

"I love you, Tiger..."

You pulled Jungkook closer and then you caressed his cheeks.

Your eyes twinkled as you responded, "I love you too, Kook," and then you kissed him.

Jungkook melted, the worry engulfing him evaporated. He wasn't scared anymore because the kiss you shared made him know an unspoken communication between the two of you. It went like this:

"So show me..."

"I'll show you..."

- END -

BONUS: LETTER WRITTEN BY KIM TAEMIN FOR OC

Thank you guys so much for reading this fic. <333 I love you all! 

Please stay tuned for a new JJK fic!

Preview of BST: Jeon Jungkook was the very definition of that fictional fawn named Bambi: brown doe eyes, innocent, and a prey—something you hated about him. He was so weak. Seriously. The boy needed to grow a spine, luckily you had an idea to do just that. 

 The plan was to send him on a mission where he would be forced to defend himself, but surprise, surprise. Jungkook fucked up, causing  him to become the complete opposite of Bambi: red eyes, corrupted mind, and a...predator.

 Jungkook was a vampire and he might just bite you. 

 Alternatively: 

 “My blood, sweat, and tears. This is a spell that will punish me.”

#jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #jungkook x reader #jungkook x y/n #jungkook x you #jungkook x oc #jungkook x yn #jungkook best friend #jungkook best friends to lovers #best friend jungkook #jungkook fic #jungkook romance #bts jungkook #bts jeon jungkook #armywriterssupport

[justxright]

Zeke Yeager x Reader - “Traitor”

Chapter 3 - “A Flash of Thunder”

Summary : It’s been weeks since you willingly left with The Beast Titan in order to survive in exchange for information on the Scouts and whatever strategy they had. Over time you had grown close to the Beast Titan, also known as Zeke Yeager, whom told you the truth about everything in the world. Now as battle grows closer to you and Zeke, you have to make a decision whether or not you’ll leave with him or go back in the arms of your older brother, Levi.

Warnings : Spoilers for season 3-4, gore, mentions of SMUT, and a bit of Stockholm syndrome.

The tent you slept in grew cold as the wind lingered on your backside side while the wind crept in through the tent’s entrance. Drowsy and half naked you turned over to notice the empty spot next to you. Where’d Zeke go?... Usually the man was always asleep next to you keeping you warm, but suddenly it seemed he had vanished.

The cold wind froze your bare skin and you quickly reached somewhere in the tent to search for your sweater. Well, his sweater. You hastily threw the sweater on and crawled towards the entrance of the tent. Peaking your head out, you could see the fire was lit and the smell of black tea seemed to be brewing, or at least that’s what you thought it was. Zeke never really told you what is was.

There he was. The man you had been staying with for nearly a month now was there sitting on one of the boxes. However, he was not alone. Your eyes widened as you saw them. Reiner and Bertholdt. They were back so soon? Reiner noticed you peaking your head out and slowly waved. “Good morning Y/n. Sorry, Zeke didn’t want to wake you.”

You shook your head and coughed awkwardly. “Oh no, it’s no worries. It’s still a little dark out so I figured it was still nighttime.”

It was so weird seeing Reiner and Bertholdt like this. All this time, and you wouldn’t have guessed it. The Colossal and the Armored Titan were them this entire time. You had only found out when Zeke told you everything the second day you had been with him. It made you reconsider everything about going home. Eren was the ‘Coordinate’ or the ‘Founding Titan’. Something they do desperately needed in order to return home to Marley.

It only broke your heart even further the day Reiner and Bertholdt came back to Zeke with Ymir. The minute she had seen you though, she talked about how Levi had so desperately wanted to find you. “Why are you here Y/n?! Don’t tell me you’re a Titan shifter too!”

Visible confusion spread across your face that day. She was a Titan shifter like them? No it can’t be. Reiner had her keep her mouth shut while he continued to escort her away. “Shut up, she's no titan shifter but let’s just say she’s traded it up.”

Ymir scrunched her eyebrows in confusion and shock. “W-Wait! Hold on now-! Y/n?” Suddenly being pulled away, Pieck had held your hand and managed to get to to walk away. “Ah, don’t worry now Y/n. I promise that things will be okay. You’re making the right decision here...”

“Y-Yeah...” Ymir’s yelling and bickering echoed as you walked away from her. Levi was mentioned and you knew that might drive Zeke nuts. It certainly drove you nuts. Hearing that he was so desperately looking for you while you willingly stayed because you thought this was the best decision for humanity. Let’s face it, the people living within the walls really did have no future if Titans were to roam the Island forever. Or perhaps maybe if Eren handed over the coordinate, Marley would negotiate and leave this island to rot powerless. Either way, you also didn’t want to leave Zeke.

Suddenly snapping back into reality, you left your thoughts alone. What’s done is done. You loved Levi, but he didn’t seem to care too much for humanity and you did. Now you only hope that he’d understand your reasoning if you guys were to cross paths again. Turning slowly from his seat, Zeke turned his head and smirked. Seeing the bruises around your neck made him want to go back into that tent and finish what he had started. He knew you’d grow to like him, and he definitely grew to like you after you got pass the skittish, timid phase with him. “Good morning darling, care to join us?”

Butterflies seemed to flutter around in your stomach as he looked back at you. Nodding your head, you got up from the tent and walked out to sit by Zeke, who immediately threw his arm about you. Visible hickeys were littered around your neck and you felt Bertholdt”s eyes stare them down. Yes, it was slightly embarrassing but you knew it was exactly what Zeke wanted. He wanted everyone to know that you were his in all ways possible. Pieck even teased you the other day that Zeke won’t ever neck your neck clear up again. 

The smell of tea and honey filled the air while the sound of pouring liquid accompanied it. “Here you go darling.” Zeke handed you a cup of tea, the warmth of it in your hands made the rest of your body heat up. You took slow sips, but little by little since the tea turned out to be broiling hotter than it usually is. As time went by, you listened to the three men talk about Annie and the reveal of her identity. Honestly, the reality of it al seemed so surreal and it was almost impossible for you to wrap your head around. Titans eat humans in desperate hopes of regaining their humanity. Just like Ymir ate Marcel... and gained his humanity and powers. 

“War Cheif Zeke.” A distorted voice came from below the wall that made you jump in your seat. The rapid sounds of footsteps echoed as the three men, including yourself, ran to the edge of the wall. There she was, or at least the titan form of her. Pieck had grown to be one of your good friends. The kindest being you had ever met and despite being a “devil” from the Island, there was never a moment where she wasn’t kind to you. Zeke especially trusted her with you. The relationship between him and Pieck was solid. They just had that brother-sister bond that made you feel relaxed. Something you and Levi had, only he was much more blunt and rough about your feelings. “Enemy troops are approaching. They’ve reached the foot.”

Slowly, your throat went dry when you heard her words. They’ve reached the foot...enemies. All your friends are enemies. Right, you weren’t on their side anymore, and they don’t even know it. Levi doesn’t know it. Had he given you up for dead yet? No, that was very unlike him. Eren, Mikasa, and Armin don’t even know what’s coming for them. All your friends would no longer be your friends after this battle. But you figured if you finally got your hands on Eren, then maybe this could all end. After all, you finally saw light in Marley’s point of view after Zeke had repeatedly told you over and over again what their plans were.

There was a slight pause before Zeke nodded at Pieck and took you, Reiner and Bertholdt back to the fire pit. He poured you all a fresh batch of tea in each cup before clanking the cups together as if it were a celebration. “My brave warriors.” He spoke triumphly. “It’s time to settle this here and finish our mission once and for all.” Reiner and Bertholdt both seemed relaxed and prepared, but deep down you knew they were both terrified and you know that Zeke didn’t want you involved. You would be staying on Pieck’s gear with the rest of the boxes so that you’d be safe. In case of emergencies too, Zeke allowed you to fix the ODM gear he had taken from Miche while he was with you. That way, in case something happened to Pieck or himself, you could escape.

Everyone slowly took a sip from their teas, sipping slowly from the yummy sweet boiling hot tea, until Zeke had startled all of you. “Ah-! Hot!” He covered his mouth and looked at you slowly. “Ah, sorry. Perhaps I boiled the tea too harshly. Careful dear.”

Reiner raised an eyebrow and grinned. “Oi, what about us chief?” He chuckled and nudged Bertholdt.

Zeke rolled his eyes and turned to give him his famous bored look. “Oh please, I couldn’t care less about you being hurt. You’ll end up regenerating anyways.” Standing behind you, he suddenly put his hand on your shoulders and began to lightly massage them. “My dear Y/n is not able to regenerate. Which is why she’ll be staying with Pieck. I will not risk her getting hurt.”

“Oh please. I’ve seen her fight with my own eyes.” Reiner crossed his arms and spun the liquid around in his cup, probably a learning habit from Zeke. “She’s a killing machine.”

Blushing, you giggled lightly and shook your head. “Oh stop, you’re exaggerating Reiner...” Your voice was like silk to Zeke, but he didn’t like the way you softly spoke at Reiner. Nor did he like that he was praising your skill, making you want to go back into the field and risking your life. Absolutely not. Zeke will not allow it. “Hey Reiner... shut it. Y/n will not risk her life for our plan. How many more people have to die for your mistakes?”

Your heart completely stopped, and you saw the life from Reiner’s eyes drain while Bertholdt just stood there completely lost for words. Those words definitely hit Reiner hard, but you knew not to interfere with those stories. “Come now, Y/n. We must prepare.” He brought you away from them slowly and back towards the tent. Once you were fully in, he took you by your chin and kissed you softly. “I’m sorry if that was intense back there. I just can’t risk you getting hurt.”

The usual familiar feeling of your face being caressed by his fingertips made you bite your lip. “Oh no... I understand.” You took your hand then rested on his cheek. “But I also don’t want to lose you either... So be safe?”

Zeke’s heart raced as your fingertips touched his face and your gentle look stared at him. It was a feeling that no one ever gave him, and in his mind he promised he’d be safe. He would end this all so that he could finally bring you back home with him and end this Paradis Island nightmare. Sure it’s been nearly a month or more, but he was certain about you and he’d do anything to make you his. No woman at home ever suited him. So ignorant and void of the world. They either cared about his title as a war chief or his Eldian blood that he carries. Most Marley women did not want him because of that.

He remembered the horror and heartache of his former friend Tom, who had a wife, child and stable family. However, it fall apart because his wife had found out he was an Eldian, and because their son carried his blood, she had killed herself and the innocent child. Zeke feared that if he had a child with a woman from Marley, she might have second thoughts about caring for a child with Eldian blood and might eventually kill them. Afterall, acts like that were not uncommon.

“Oh Y/n, my dear...” His voice grew softer with you as the days went by. “I know I was rough on you that first week, but I’d do anything for you. Honestly, you’ve stolen away a part of me that you’ll always have.” A wave of electricity zapped through him as he finally had full control over you. Never did you ever think twice about the things he said, and you never thought twice about giving all your trust to him. “I will be safe. Don’t you worry.”

Zeke moved in both his hands into your hair and began to caress it, while you gave him a smile of relief. Of course you knew he’d be okay, he is the war chief. Nobody could ever outsmart him. “Now then, go get ready and meet with Pieck at the bottom of the wall. She’ll be waiting.” He leaned in to kiss the top of your head and embraced you in one last hug. “Stay safe, and stay put understand? Then this will finally be over.”

The smell of cigarettes and black honey tea hit you in the face while he embraced you. You prayed and prayed as he held you in his arms. Please be safe... you’d miss the smell of him and you’ll never be able to get it back from if he didn’t survive. “I will be safe, don’t worry.” Your voice echoed in his mind as you mumbled your last words to him. Softly speaking as you always do.

And with that final embrace, Zeke let you go. It was time to end this battle on Paradis Island.

•

The wind grew silent and the earth was too still. Even though you were sitting in a rather comfy box and being transported, you knew the sky and earth would collide and rumble. Zeke’s plan was just all too perfect, and you were about to witness the death of everyone you once held dear in your heart. Pieck stayed out of sight, preparing to roll the boulders to Zeke while you sat in the luggage on her.

Both you and Pieck waited for the signal. Then you heard it. The transformation of Reiner. They found him...

Then it grew quite once more and then you counted.

3...2...1...

Suddenly the ground shook and the scene around you grew brighter than it did before. You looked up from where you were and the sky was blinding yellow. Lighting stuck the Earth, and dozens of Titans appeared with it, surrounding the Scout’s only exit. The center piece of all those titan of course, was the the Beast. It was just as terrifying as you remembered it. The grin spread across its face didn’t help the situation either.

The long arms of the Beast reached out and grabbed the boulder. The position and the pitch itself was all too perfect as Zeke threw the boulder miles towards the wall, and perfectly blocked their only exit. Back and fourth, back and fourth. It felt like hours while you sat in Pieck’s luggage, watching and seeing her collect boulders for Zeke. Until you heard that familiar roar of his titan. The roar you heard when he took you with him to the outskirts of Wall Rose and made you watch him turn Connie’s village into Titans.

Suddenly, all of the 2-5cm titans that surrounded the walls began to run full speed at the wall’s entrance in attempt to kill the scouts that were stuck. This is power... Everything was at the mercy of Zeke and nobody else could interfere with it. Oh but it didn’t end there. Zeke picked up the barrel next to you that carried Bertholdt inside, and threw it further into the walls. Good luck...

Zeke just threw in the Cossal Titan and you knew what would happen from there. It was a god of destruction and a part of you prayed that Levi would make it out alive. The other part prayed that he wouldn’t have gotten involved in the first place and stayed to clean the stables back at home.

The last part of you prayed that you wouldn’t have to reunite with him on the battlefield.

Note : I can’t thank you all enough for the positive messages and love that you guys been sending to this story. It baffles me that this story has been sitting in my mind for weeks, and when I finally wrote it out, it got this much love. Seriously thank you guys, I can’t thank you all enough. <3

Tags : @mother-ting-ting

#attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #zeke yeager #levi ackerman #armin alert #eren yeager #mikasa ackerman #attack on titan zeke #reiner braun #attack on titan x reader #attack on titan zeke x reader #zeke x reader #zeke x you

[teacup-crow]

Maybe, Maybe, Maybe

Fun bit of survivors’ guilt for @badthingshappenbingo, based pretty heavily off Don’t Poke the Bear and Variations on a Theme. Post-finale.

They take it in turns to keep watch for when he wakes up: Doug, Reneé, Isabel, first names still such a novelty. Just his luck, he opens his eyes to the impassive face of Captain Lovelace.

“Hi, dickbag. Sore head?”

“Unnnnhh…” he whines as if he’s lying under a ton of rocks rather than a cosy quilt on Renee’s living room floor. His face is a patchwork of bruising. “Aspirin?”

She takes pity, and passes him two and a glass of water. The sitting up takes longer than he thought it would.

“You look terrible. Lucky for you, Renee makes a mean chilli con carne. Never would have guessed she could cook.”

“No thanks, I should, should be going-”

“You need food in your system, that’s non-negotiable. First thing’s first, though, you’re having a shower, and you either go willingly or get dragged bodily, because you goddamn stink. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, sir,” he mumbles automatically, and he remembers the Colonel - Warren? Was it on a day he could call him Warren? - once saying something similar and his head pounds. ((“mr jacobi, of all the irresponsible, stupid shit i have seen from you this really takes the-“))

“Bathroom’s on the second floor, just past the master bedroom. Dominick put a pile of clean clothes in there before he left for work. And it’s Isabel, okay? Not sir. Not Captain. Never again.”

***

“Who did this to you?”

He grips his mug of sweet tea like it’s thousand dollar whiskey. He’s still ashen. “I did this to me.”

“You beat the shit out of yourself? Okay, yeah. Don’t buy that one.” Isabel repeats the question. “Who did this to you?”

“Just some guys I pissed off. I don’t know how many. I don’t know who. Happy now?”

The room goes silent. Isabel continues:

“And did you go provoking them deliberately?”

Not for the first time, Renee wonders whether they should have included Doug in this little intervention. He’s been through so much just like the rest of them, but he doesn’t know it, and he’s clearly freaking out at the situation.

“Why would he want something like that to happen? He looks terrible!”

“I don’t know, Doug,” Isabel says levelly. “Care to answer, Jacobi?”

He’s not on a first name basis, apparently.

“Not… I didn’t... no. No, no, no. I was too drunk and… picking fights, but suddenly there were too many of them, okay? But I got out. And if I want to drink then that’s my own problem, so thank you for the hospitality but-“

Renee cuts in there. “When you drink yourself into a stupor, get attacked by a gang in a back alley, and stumble into my doorway at 0300 hours after six months of radio silence, it becomes our problem.” Her look of pity makes his stomach churn even more than the chilli did. He breathes in, hold, out; in, hold, out; in-((alana’s breathing technique and why why why is she everywhere in everything why does he have to see her out of the corner of his eye when it’s been so long he can’t properly remember her face-))

“Fine. What do you want from me?”

“You are a good man and you saved every single one of our lives and we need to understand why you’re so intent on throwing yours away.”

Jacobi starts laughing then, guttural laughs that worsen the ache in his head and bones but he can’t seem to stop them. “...me? I’m a good man? Oh my God, Lieutenant, that’s hilarious. Give us another.”

“You need to take this seriously! This is a form of self harm! You could have died!” Isabel is pacing up and down. She and Renee do good cop, bad cop like it’s a professional sport.

“Boo fucking hoo. And the world would forever be worse off for my passing.”

Isabel stops, and turns back towards him with some heat in her gaze. “I have lost too many crew members who deserved to die far less than you do. Okay? Is that what you want to hear? Do you need me to reconfirm that you are a an asshole? Do you need to hear about how Fisher, and Hui, and Fourier, and Lambert were all far better people than you will ever, ever be? Or will you accept that you are good in there? That deep down you’re on the right-“

“We burned their letters.” He’s staring at the duvet he’s wrapped in, running his finger over the flowers on the pattern. “Okay? Still think I’m a good person?”

“...wait. What?” She laughs a little, in shock perhaps. “But you told me…”

“I told you what I needed to tell you to make you trust me. We burned your crew’s letters. Lambert’s… I remember those especially. His hands were shaking really hard when he wrote them, weren’t they.”

It’s not a question.

Isabel stops pacing, and Jacobi grins again but it doesn’t reach his bruised eyes when he looks up at her. “More than mine, even. You could tell he was sick. They didn’t make any sense. We laughed at them. The irony of a Communications Officer who can’t communicate. Are you listening to me? We read their letters and we burned them and we laughed about it-“

Renee loses her softness. “Jacobi, that is enough!”

Isabel has a hand on her chest as if something has hit her there. She counts to ten in her head, ((fisher’s technique to try and stop her fighting with sam, never worked but still stuck in her head, or this copy of her head, or whoever she is now-)) and leaves the room.

They hear her slamming drawers in the kitchen.

Doug glances at Jacobi and shakes his head, before hurrying after her.

“How could you,” Reneé says. “How could you.”

“I don’t know. Will you let me go and ruin my own life now?”

“Never,” she replies. “Because, God help me, you’re still a member of my crew.”

At that, his eyes prick with tears he can’t explain. He rolls over on the air bed, and closes them.

***

“Lovelace?” Jacobi finally makes himself walk into the kitchen, grimacing like each step is on hot sand. The words are monotone. “I’m so sorry. What I did and said is... inexcusable.”

“Nope. That’s too large a word for your vocabulary. Come back to me with an apology Renée didn’t script,” Isabel snaps, going back to scribbling in a sketchbook.

“Look, I’m not much good at this-“

“You’re telling me.”

“I’m… really used to people yelling at me and hitting me until they feel better. Or you can shoot me if you like!”

“Jesus. Well, I am not about to do that to ease your guilt. You look like you’d snap if one more person poked you. So apologise properly.”

“I’m sorry…”

“For?” Isabel prompts over the top of her book.

“I’m sorry for burning your crew’s letters.”

“You did what you were ordered to do. It is what it is. I’m not condoning it.”

There’s a moment of silence, and Jacobi realises she’s waiting for him to continue. “And… I’m sorry for bringing it up. That was… needlessly cruel. It sucked.”

“It really did,” she replies, putting the book down. “Tell you what: that sounded somewhat genuine, and Goddard brought out the shit in all of us. You look so pathetic, I’m going to forgive you. Not because you deserve it, but because I don’t bear grudges. Not anymore.”

She holds out a hand, and he shakes it. “Thank you.”

“Wow. That actually hurt for you to say.”

Jacobi nods. He sits down across from her at Renée’s huge darkwood table, and thinks about how she and Dominick must have bought this when they moved in together with plans to have people over for dinner every other night. Maybe even plans to have kids.

He wonders if Dominick ate at it alone while his wife was gone.

“So, you gone on that holiday yet?”

“No, actually. I’ve legally been dead for about seven years, so getting a passport is proving pretty tricky.”

“I can imagine.”

“Where have you been, anyway? We tried to get into contact with you. We drove down to your old apartment - got your address from the Goddard database - but it was cleaned out.”

Jacobi looks sheepish. “Yeah, well, I’d mostly been staying at Alana’s for the last few years or overnight at… yeah… so I’d not been a very good tenant and turns out they took ‘lost in space’ as the perfect opportunity to kick me out. So I’ve been sofa to sofa, on the streets a bit-”

“For heaven’s sake, Jacobi. We would have helped you, you stupid asshole! All you had to do was ask and you could have stayed here! Renee and Dominick would probably even let you have a cheese collection or whatever the fuck it was.”

“Guess the amount of drinks it takes for me to lose my pride is somewhere over eighteen?”

“How do you have a functioning liver?”

They sit in an almost comfortable silence for a few minutes, Isabel reopening her sketchbook.

“I never knew you drew.”

“You never knew me outside of a life-threatening situation.” Isabel sighs, twists the pencil between her fingers. “I don’t think I did. Before. The old ‘me’, I mean. But I was bored and I can’t get a job because of the ‘being dead’ issue, so I thought I should take up a hobby or something. Might be therapeutic. I’m not very good at it…”

“Can I see?”

“I, uh,” Isabel suddenly looks uncertain. “I drew her. Maxwell. I drew everyone, actually. Are you sure you want to look?”

“Yes.”

He leafs through the pages, at first simple doodles before branching into full portraits. Eiffel, upside down and smoking a cigarette. Hilbert, looking troubled at a shadow behind him he can’t quite see. Two ghostlike figures in lab coats staring out at the star, the man with a prophetic terror etched on his face - must be Isabel’s old crewmates. Mr Cutter smiles up at him with far too many sharp teeth in sharper lines where the pencil was pressed far too hard and he turns the page quickly. There’s Kepler, mid-whiskey speech and it almost stops his heart. He pauses. Maxwell.

In the picture, her eyes are shining as she stares at Hera’s console, fingers nothing more than a blur - the three-day stint she spent trying to get the AI online. Aside from the orange and blue of Wolf 359, elsewhere in the book Isabel has barely used colour, but here the room is bathed in a serene green light from the screens. Behind Maxwell, Jacobi sees himself, little more than a stocky, sketchy outline, waiting for her to finish.

He looks so proud of her.

He looks so… content.

After staring for a long moment, Jacobi closes the book and hands it back. “Thank you.”

“You can keep the pictures of them, if you like,” Isabel offers, but he doesn’t know whether he would like, so he says:

“Tell me about your crew.”

“What?”

“Your old crew. Tell me about them. Was Lambert the one staring at...?”

“No. No. No, that was Kuan Hui, our senior astrophysicist. He was whipsmart and funny and fearless, until the time Goddard Futuristics played around in his brain, stretched out his perception of time. He was completely alone in the dark for two weeks. His smile never really reached his eyes after that.”

Jacobi sips tea awkwardly, even though it’s cold.

“Something like that, it stays with you. At least he had Fourier, though.”

“That’s the woman behind him?”

“Junior physicist. Victoire Fourier had eyes like stars. Cleverest person I’ve ever met. She played six instruments, spoke four languages and she had the most gentle soul. She used to read to Hui when he got sick with Decima. Coughed up every organ in his body. I thought it would break her, but she was made of stern stuff. She vanished off the space station in the final days and I still don’t know what exactly happened to her-”

“I… do. If you want to know, I mean.”

Isabel shakes her head. Then pauses. Then shakes her head again. “I get the feeling whoever is to blame is long gone.”

Jacobi shrugs. “Who else?”

“Well, there was Mace Fisher. Fisher… Fisher died because of me, not Goddard Futuristics. Asteroid shower tore him from my hands. He had a boyfriend waiting at home. He was sensitive, sensible, grounding. A real older brother type. I- I didn’t deal particularly well with his death. Well, you know that much.”

((Pill popper!)) Jacobi gulps more cold tea.

“And Lambert?”

“Sam Lambert. Officer Samuel Lambert had a stick up his ass. He was whiny, and authoritarian, and he treasured his copy of Pryce and Carter more than Reneé and Kepler combined did. He drove me nearly insane, and I drove him likewise. The best second in command you could ask for. A damn good man. Sam got sick after Hui, so we knew what was coming. What it meant. He was brave, though. At first.”

((“C-Captain, please shoot me, please, it hurts, it hurts, Captain, please, I just want it to-”)

She falters.

“Lovelace?”

“Yup?”

“You know, it’s not even really about the Hephaestus. I keep… it’s insane, but I keep thinking about… I was an explosives guy for the Air Force. Before Goddard. A trigger failed and two men died. Andrews and Sullivan. I haven’t thought about them in years and suddenly-“

“They’re everywhere?”

There’s a sudden understanding between them.

“They’re everywhere. Them and Maxwell and Kepler. They’re in mirrors, in the back of my brain, around corners.”

“Flashes of them.”

“And if you just reach out far enough, maybe-“

“Maybe-“

“Maybe.”

((let’s go be monsters)), Jacobi’s brain echoes. He grits his teeth.

“Did it stop for you? When does it stop?” He finds himself asking. Isabel doesn’t answer.

#wolf 359 #bad things happen bingo #Daniel Jacobi #isabel lovelace #w359

[secret-engima]

I’m interested in hearing more about that AU you told me about before- the RWBY/HTTYD fusion(?) where Oscar is basically Hiccup and Ozpin is the dadliest Nightfury ever :)

OH YES THAT WAS A FUN IDEA.

Okay so like- RWBY/HTTYD fusion kinda thing where instead of vikings there’s Remnant characters. And possibly Remnant’s world. Anyway dragons are a thing, dragons are something people all have strong mixed opinions on because most dragons are furious monsters that try to destroy human settlements at any turn, but there are stories and legends of a time centuries ago when dragons were peaceful and tamable and kind.

Oscar has no real opinion on the legends. He’s mostly scared of dragons after an attack of a huge flock of Terrible Terrors when he was a small child left his hands and neck all scarred up. Even so, he doesn't ... really hate them? They’re wild animals. They’re just angry ones. He and his Aunt are pretty good at keeping their farm unnoticed when a flock passes overhead and as long as it stays that way, he’s fine. Any stray dragon that comes by and starts making noises to set the barn on fire or steal livestock, his Aunt deals with it. She’s a good shot.

Then one day, his hideout is broken into.

Now, his hideout isn’t really a “hideout” it’s just the old barn that the farm doesn’t use anymore. it’s too far away from the house, right on the edge of their property. But nobody has a reason to go there, so as long as he’s careful, Oscar gets to use it as his own little clubhouse. He stores books in there, and notebooks to sketch in, and all the junk he likes to tinker with because he likes building things on the side. His aunt says that maybe someday he can get a scholarship to a proper school for engineering and stuff.

He’s always careful not to store food in there, so that the wild animals of any kind have no reason to try to get in, and he locks it when he leaves.

So he is understandably VERY surprised when he comes in and finds a DRAGON on the floor of his hideout, having apparently broken in through the old window on the upper floor. The dragon stirs when Oscar gasps in fear, moves faster than Oscar can think and suddenly Oscar is pinned by a dark paw as the dragon looms over him with bloody, sharp teeth and furious gold eyes.

So this is how he dies then.

He squeezes his eyes shut with a whimper, waiting for the half-remembered agony of being mauled by a dragon to start (it had hurt so bad as a child and this dragon was so much bigger than a Terrible Terror-).

Hot breath on his face and then instead of pain, a low noise that was too soft to be a growl. Oscar whimpers again because please, please don’t try to eat him alive or something, but instead of pain the paw just leaves his chest and when Oscar dares to open his eyes and sit up, the dragon has limped away to curl up in a corner of the hideout again.

....Dragons aren’t supposed to let humans live.

......They probably aren’t supposed to look so exhausted and in pain and bloody either.

Oscar knows he should run. Go get his Aunt so she can come put the dragon down before it changes its mind and hurts him but-. The dragon looks at him, and gold eyes aren’t furious anymore. Just resigned. Scared. The dragon looks like it’s been on the losing side of a very bad fight with something that wasn’t human. There are gashes where scales have been clawed away, and when its tail slides slowly to curl around its paws, Oscar can see its missing a tail fin.

...Was this dragon attacked by other dragons?

Curiosity and pity make Oscar hold his silence as he backs slowly out of the barn and shuts the door behind him. He ... maybe it will go away in a few hours. Once it’s caught its breath.

He peaks in that evening and finds it hasn’t. It’s curled up tightly in the same corner, and he’s pretty sure the dragon is shivering.

He should REALLY tell his Aunt about this.

He brings it a small bucket of fish from the farm’s massive pond the next morning instead.

The dragon looks at him in open surprise and takes the fish as politely as a well trained dog. When it stands up again Oscar flinches, but all it does is sniff at him and then start licking his hair and Oscar yelps from shock more than fear. It’s like a switch has been flipped and even though the dragon is still exhausted and injured, it gently wrestles him down to give him ... a bath? A dragon bath. The dragon is purring while it does so. Oscar takes it as a form of thank you and has to work hard to snag a shower before Auntie Em can see him covered in dragon drool.

It takes a few more tentative visits to realize that 1. the dragon can’t leave because he can’t fly anymore, 2. he’s not actually black like Oscar thought, but a really deep, rich green in the sunlight when the dragon sneaks out to the old back field for a sun nap, and 3. Oscar is pretty sure he’s been adopted by the dragon. It (he, the dragon is a he), keeps cooing at him and trying to follow him and giving him tongue baths and offering him regurgitated bits of fish, which Oscar frantically turns down each time.

He names the dragon Ozpin, after one of the few dragon stories he knows where the dragon isn’t a horrible monster, and the first time he uses it, Ozpin reacts like it’s always been his name.

Oscar realizes halfway through designing a new tail fin for Ozpin that 1. this design is going to need a rider and 2. he’s had a dragon for about three months now and still hasn’t told his aunt. That ... will probably come back to bite later. But by now he’s more afraid of her reaction over the delay than her reaction over the dragon. So he keeps putting it off.

He kinda sorta really wants to ride Ozpin before his aunt can shut the idea down.

Ozpin expected to die that night he fled. Hundreds of seasons he’d managed to keep ahead of Salem, his mad former mate, freeing dragons from her control in twos and threes and hiding them away where she would not find them again, and she had finally caught him. He had been betrayed. Willingly. Leo’s eyes had been clear as day as he stood by Salem’s side, not glazed with her hate and control, and that hurt almost as much as the claws of her horde of dragons (always a horde, never leaving the risk that she will have to fight him alone, because she knows that in an equal fight, he would win, just like he almost had last time) tearing apart his scales, driving him from the air before he managed to fight some of them off and escape.

He’s not sure when he lost his tail fin. But that is a death sentence to a dragon like him. A dragon who cannot fly is a dead dragon, either by starvation, by Salem, or by the humans who have long forgotten what it was like to be friends and companions to dragon kind.

Ozpin wakes up in a human structure and can’t remember how he got in, but he hears movement and pained instinct drives him up to attack (what if it’s Salem, what if it’s one of her scouts, a poor dragon that Ozpin is too weak to free from her control and will have to kill to save himself like the coward he is-).

A child.

A human child.

Oh. Oh dear.

He really is going to die.

Ozpin removes his paw, hoping he didn’t break any fragile bones (human hatchlings were so *delicate*, he remembered that even after so long) and slinks to a far corner. He could run again, but he’s too tired and too heartsick. Let the boy call his parents.

At least the humans would probably make his death quick.

Except the boy does not call his parents, he leaves and pokes his head in hours later as if to check if Ozpin is still there. He leaves again and the next morning arrives with a bucket of fish to feed him. It is strange and kind and strange because it is kind and when he sniffs at the boy in curiosity, looking for a reason, the child doesn’t run, just flinches nervously. He smells of only one guardian and no other hatchlings. He smells nervous and a bit frightened and ... lonely.

Ozpin finds himself gently pulling the child close and bathing him before he can think better of it, and it is foolish, to risk claiming another human hatchling, he hasn’t shared his Life with a Rider in a long long time (not since Salem killed the last one before his eyes back when he was young and foolish and still thought he could call her back from the edge of madness), but he is so grateful and lonely and this child is all but aching with the need for love. Why else would he risk bringing Ozpin food when all the stories men tell nowadays are of how dragons are bloodthirsty monsters?

The boy keeps coming back, bringing just enough fish to take the edge of Ozpin’s hunger, and even though his days are numbered, Ozpin stays and croons and tries to impart love on the child who is so lonely he would befriend a monster. He lets the boy tentatively climb on him and touch his scales, even lets him inspect Ozpin’s injured, ruined tail. He can’t help it. He always loved hatchlings, human or dragon, and it’s been so *long*-.

The boy takes to sketching and building ... something. Ozpin isn’t entirely certain what. He almost jumps out of his scales when Oscar (that was the boy’s name he learned at last) calls him Ozpin, calls him by name, and then learns that there still are a handful of stories of the Old Days. Dismissed as myth now. It’s amusing to be named after himself.

Ozpin frets quietly over the child sometimes, because while he can smell a guardian on him, he has never seen this guardian, even from afar. He knows this barn is on the edge of Oscar’s little territory, but even so, what guardian lets her hatchling wander off so frequently and never thinks to check on him? Sometimes Oscar falls *asleep* in here, curled up against Ozpin’s side and tucked under a wing, and only wakes up when Ozpin nudges him up because he can hear the far off bell that he thinks means it’s time for his hatchling to go home and eat.

He wishes Speaking Stones still existed. That he’d managed to save more of them, or that he was able to fly and get one. The only way to exchange true words without a Speaking Stone would be a Rider bond and- and he can’t do that to Oscar. It wouldn’t be fair.

He doesn’t deserve to be dragged into a war for freedom of mind that Ozpin and dragon kind has been losing for seasons upon seasons.

Except the child doesn’t seem to think so, doesn’t even know what he flirts with when he tentatively drags in a rudimentary replacement tail fin and saddle as well as a harness to connect them.

Ozpin tries to reject it. As much as he wants (needs) to fly, it’s too dangerous. The boy pouts and sets the harness and gear aside, muttering to himself that he’ll just leave it in the barn for a while until “Ozpin gets used to the smell”.

Ozpin snorts. Because he is not a dog that can be tricked into forgetting something exists thank you.

Oscar sticks his tongue out at him. Adorable, feisty, silly little hatchling.

#SE asks #keeperofgems asks #Secret Engima Rambles #Dragon Rider Oscar verse #long post #rwby #httyd #very loose fusion #OH LOOK NEW AU

[chryuhwan]

helloooo i’m sol (21+, they/them) and this is yuhwan. he’s an old oc revamped too many times so if he seems familiar... my b dude i’m attached i guess. anyway, i’m excited to be here! please like this post if you’re interested in plotting and i’ll hit you up. i’m not on twitter and pretty sparse on discord, so i prefer tumblr im! but if that’s difficult for you, we can figure smth out! i have a short (haha) tl;dr under the cut, but you can also read up more on his BIO and PROFILE pages.

RUNDOWN

TRIGGER & CONTENT WARNINGS: physical abuse, underage drug/alcohol consumption, (attempted) suicide (lmk if you want a redacted summary!) 

BASICS — born and raised in busan up until the tender age of seventeen, when he was sent (“exiled”) to seoul to live with his aunt and uncle and attend hannam. the catalyst was a rebellious phase turned lifestyle (a lot of really reckless decisions involving drugs, alcohol, vandalism, swiping money from the tithes & offerings, u name it) and his parents deciding they a) didn’t want to deal with that and b) didn’t want that to reflect on their reputations. he’s been in seoul ever since and has never stayed in busan for longer than a couple of days.

ON RELIGION & FAITH — the only son of the head pastor of a well-known megachurch in busan, yuhwan was raised under the strict and watchful eye of his obsessive parents! he’s not religious anymore by any means, but faith (or his lack thereof) has shaped a huge part of his mentality. his lack of belief in a higher power is the foundation of his ‘if i have the confidence to own up to the potential consequences of my actions, then i’ll do whatever i want to’ mindset. he’s not going to be discouraged by a god that doesn’t exist! 

ON SEOUL — hates it. yep. he hates seoul, but he doesn’t really have the drive to try to find somewhere he does like because he hates busan too. when he was sent to live with his aunt and uncle, he was treated pretty poorly (still flinches when people raise their hand at him), like a glorified punching bag. hannam wasn’t any better, and the military was nice in the way prison cells might be. he hates cramped things and the only decent jogging path he knows runs him right by the bridge he almost jumped off of after his military service ended so. you know. you win some, you lose some. 

ON HANNAM — hated it. yep. straight up hated it. he was pretty good about being friendly around virtually anyone who held his attention for more than a couple of seconds, but yuhwan hates the idea of hierarchies! finds them downright stifling, and he doesn’t like the idea of being placed in a box, etc. hannam felt like an oppressive social pyramid and he thought that kinda sucked so as friendly as he was on the outside, he had zero interest in making friends and has probably only willingly kept in touch with a handful of people since graduating. 

ON GOSSIPS, RUMORS, AND SECRETS — he’s a tabloid writer. once a regular editor for a small newspaper, he gave that up and decided to sacrifice his morals for a higher paycheck. he blames his mom because she, as the pastor’s wife, had a lot of access to juicy gossip and liked to tell yuhwan about it. yuhwan’s probably the least trustworthy person he knows. he’s careful to keep the secrets of people he cares about, but as it turns out, he doesn’t really care about that many people. he’s friendly, open to listening, and honestly not that bad at giving advice etc., but be on your guard. wouldn’t want your dirty laundry to be aired out for the world to see, after all. 

ON THE PRESENT — he’s minding his own business. really. like i said, he’s probably kept in touch with some people, but otherwise he’s not really interested in the busy lives of almost-strangers unless they’re going to get him a bonus on his next paycheck. yuhwan very much so marches to the beat of his own drum. he doesn’t care much about the world around him and only cares when it inconveniences him. like a kite without a string, he’s floating wherever the fuck the wind’s going to take him!

ON HIS SECRET — after graduating from high school, and then university, and then finishing military service, yuhwan thought he might literally lose his fucking mind if he didn’t set himself free in one way or another. ultimately, he decides he won’t be able to coexist in peace with his parents unless they change. and because they won’t change of their own volition, he submits an anonymous tip about his father’s embezzlement of church funds. in the end, it doesn’t destroy his dad’s legacy or anything; the church is still up and running—but it’s an ordeal that takes months, years of being humbled by the weight of the world. he doesn’t feel bad about it. his mom gossips less and his dad’s less of an asshole, after all. makes family gatherings that much more bearable when they’re all tired of existing!

CONNECTIONS

BEST FRIEND — just one. no dramatic childhood friends story or anything like that. just one person he actually really genuinely sincereeeeeely liked from hannam that didn’t take any effort or slow build to figure out. probably the only person he really trusts in this big, bad city. you’ve got a huge weapon in your hands! he’s not used to putting this much trust in others. (+1000 if in a two-day relationship that ended terribly. ‘i would never date you again, but i’ll still die for u’ kinda vibes) 

HANNAM FRIENDS — there won’t be many, but! anyone? anyone?? he was a friendly, easygoing person (still is, tbh) during his hannam days, but was definitely a free spirit who did whatever he wanted. if you could keep up with his pace, then he might have liked your company. he’s not a fan of overly serious people unless they have the patience of a saint! (trust me, you’ll need it.) 

HANNAM... NOT FRIENDS — he’s not so conscious of his surroundings as to have enemies himself, but he definitely did get pushed around for a little while when he was first getting settled. and he’s also definitely spoken out of turn and said some rude shit (not on purpose) (he just doesn’t have a filter) here and there. want to hate his guts? please do. negative energy’s welcome in this house!

COUSIN — a similar-aged cousin, also the child of the aunt and uncle yuhwan absolutely fucking abhors. they might have a contentious relationship. might even be a positive one. either way, they lived under the same roof for a few years! 

TABLOID VICTIM — got a little fame to your name? have a nasty scandal you didn’t want to get out? well, now it’s out. and sensationalized, too! maybe you know it’s him who leaked it (and wrote the article, while we’re at it). maybe you don’t! 

BUSAN BUDDIES — and i use the word ‘buddies’ loosely. grow up in busan? have religious parents? religious yourself maybe? well, maybe you bumped into each other then. yuhwan had the reputation of being a prim and proper pastor’s son, amiable and cheerful and so so devoted, up until he was suddenly sent to seoul. all of his bad habits and reckless adventures were largely done behind his parents’ backs (until he got caught, at least!)—you know of them? partake in them, maybe? or maybe you didn’t know, and you’re wondering why the fuck he came to seoul in the first place

BLACKMAIL — he’s not above using underhanded tactics if they’re made available to him. sometimes he doesn’t even need a big reason. maybe he found out a secret of yours and he wants a secret you know about someone else. he’ll hold it over your head! call it a little game of cat and mouse!

#thank you for the welcomes! will get to them soon #chrintro

[villainsandvictimsalliance]

The Leauge of villains in a horror movie (no quirk au)

I just think itd be interesting

I'm more a fan of horror books than movies, because I get scared easily with visual content. BUT I'd do the best I can. Here it goes:

THE YEAR OF THE DEMON LORD AU :

The story is about a little boy (Shimura Tenko) who was sold to a demon (AFO) by his father (Shimura Kotaro), who was trying to bring his mother (Shimura Nana) back to life.

The demon tricked Kotaro and he only brought the ghost of Nana back. To mark the little boy as his, the demon changed Tenko's name to Tomura. His hair also changed from black to white and he got permanent scars along his face and neck, the a curse that would be always screacting.

The story cuts to the future, where we see an older Tomura playing with his train set. Nao, Kotaro's wife, is arguing with him because she refuse to let the demon take the kid. That night when the demon appears, Nao makes her choice: crying, she tells the demon to take Kotaro in exchange of letting her son live for another 15 years. The demon accepts the deal but in exchange he decides he's gonna take the lives of all the Shimuras one by one, whenever he wants.

Nao takes her family and begins her career against the clock: she needs to find someone who can fight the demon to free her son.

She doesn't hide to his son what is happening. Tomura knows he's cursed and a demon is looking for him. But Nao also teaches him about how his grandmother, Nana, used to fight against demons all the time. Tomura is not alone and he can't let the demon take him, because he is a special boy, she knows it. Whatever happens, the demon can't take him.

Within the first 5 years, Tomura lost both his maternal grandparents. Tomura is now 10 years old, but they haven't found someone to fight the demon. Instead, Nao has spend those years finding someone to teach Tomura how to resist the demon's influence. His name is Kurogiri and he's a young specialist on fighting satanic influences. He becomes like a father to Tomura and Hana, something Nao is grateful for.

Another 5 years go by and Nao dissappears. Hana is 18 years old, Tomura is 15 years old. The grieve causes Tomura to forget most of the past 15 years old of his life. Hana starts her theological studies as Kurogiri helps Tomura develop his supernatural abilities. They don't tell Tomura the truth, because they want him to have some normal years.

Tomura gets some friends. They all are strange and weird as him, almost all of them having some or other form of connection with the supernatural, even if they don't know about it.

Hana and Kurogiri agree that it's best for him to keep some close friends to help him. Still, they're time is running out.

Tomura doesn't know why her sister acts so strange. She's jumpy, scared, tearful and constantly worrying over him. She fights a lot with his friends, he goes paranoid.

They have a fight. Tomura leaves their home. After some hours, Hana panics and calls everyone to go after him. She barely finds him and is able to apologize when she sees the demon lurking in the shadows. Hana tells him to run but Tomura doesn't. He stays there while the demon takes his sister.

Everything comes back to him in a flash. He faints. When he wakes up, he finds out Kurogiri was the one who saved him, but he got his own curse for getting in between the demon and him.

With all his family dead and his mentor injured, Tomura needs to make a decision. Is he going to expend the rest of his years looking for a savior or is he going to fight the demon himself?

Tomura dissappears. Hana is dead. The Villain Club (the way Tomura decides to refer to his friends), are madly worried. Tomura has always helped them, he was always there when they needed him, so how can the let Tomura just dissappear like that?

Magne uses her power to contact a ghost to help them. Most of them are terrified and won't even talk to her. Compress is her anchor to the real world, Twice is the bait, so Toga is the one protecting Magne from the ghost in the spirit realm. Since Spinner is not spiritually sensitive and Dabi can't control his powers, they are the ones protecting the others in the real world.

Toga, Spinner and Dabi are doing their best, but there are too many ghost attacking them. They are almost past the limit when Magne finds the ghost of Nana.

She explain the situation as quickly as she can, before begging them to rush, giving them Tomura's location. He plans to contact the demon behind Kurogiri's back to get done with the whole deal.

Tomura is not strong enough, but he's tired of watching the people he loves die. He knows in his bones that if he asks his friends for help, they won't refuse. But getting involved equals getting kill, and that's something he can't deal with.

I bet you already know that everything goes wrong from this point further.

The demon needs some time to properly possess Tomura. The Villian Club are on their way, but know the demon knows that too.

They crash. Magne gets badly injured and she just knows the demon won't let her live, not when she was the one who contacted Nana. That's why she tells the rest to go save Tomura while she stays behind. She's gonna use her own blood, flesh and bones to create a protection for them. Human sacrifices are powerful, and even more when the person gives their love willingly.

Tomura is fighting the demon's will. Their in an abandoned building, one the Villian Club needs to break in. Except now they're not only dealing with ghosts, but with demon possessed humans.

This time, Compress and Twice are the ones to keep the demon's servants at bay. They find Kurogiri is already there, but there are too many. He orders the rest to keep going.

Spinner, Dabi and Tog fight their way to the room where Tomura is. While Toga is on transe to properly kill the demons, Spinner needs to carry her on his back and keep her safe in the real world. Dabi is able to kill both demons and humans in the spirit and real world, but it activates his curse and the more he uses his senses, the more his body burns.

When they reach Tomura, is almost too late.

Toga almost collapses for just staring into the demon's real form. Spinner needs to wake her. Dabi can use his arms properly anymore.

That's when the ghost of Magne appears. She's not dead, thanks to Giran and Mustard finding her on time. Using Giran as an anchor and with the help of Giran, she finds a way to contact the Villain Club to give them the final piece Nana told her: the demon has always wanted Tomura because he has the same special ability she was born with: the can bind demons inside of them to destroy them from within.

All they need to do is bring Tomura's consciousness back and tell him that he can contact his dead family, because every life the demon has ever reclaimed keeps living inside of him. A demon as old as that one... He must has thousands and thousands of ghost inside of him.

Dabi and Toga take the most damage, because they're both trying to slow down the demon in both realms the best they can. Spinner is in charge on making Tomura wake up. But how?

He remembers Tomura once confessed that, in order to wake from a nightmare, he created a copy of his father on his subconscious. Whenever the copy of his father put his hand on Tomura's face, he knew he was in danger and his instincts kicked him awake.

With Dabi and Toga defeated, with the possessed humans surrounding the rest of the Villain Club, Spinner tries one last time: he let's the demon capture him, let him think he's done. And when he lowers his guard, Spinner puts his hand on Tomura's face.

For a second, just the laughter of the demon. And then...

“Spinner?”

Spinner almost cries out loud. Or maybe he does. He can't talk, so it's a blessing that Dabi has kept himself awake enough to yell Tomura to contact his family. When Tomura retreats, the demon already attempting to regain control.

The Villain Club uses their last sparks of energy to anchor Tomura. Like hands holding him all over his body, reminding him he's not alone.

And that's when Tomura remembers his mother, his sister, his grandparents. Nana.

He cries and kicks and shouts and bites his way down down down into the demon memory, reclaiming all those lives who took, asking them for help. They are like specks of dust floating on the air, slowly retaking their mortal form. And they are so many... An army of the death.

When he reaches his family, he's tired. He can't move anymore. He closes his eyes while he hears how the ghost tear the demon apart. And he feels gentle hands, gentle voices, gentle smiles.

With the delicate touch of a pair of colorful wings, Tomura feels a kiss on his cheek.

“I'm sorry I had to leave you. Could you forgive me, please? About that night?”

Tomura begins to cry.

Hana, his sister. He'd recognize her voice anywhere.

“It was a silly fight. I was never angry with you anyway. And you're here now.”

She laughs, taking his hand to guide him out of the darkness and he misses her so much.

He knows he can't stay there.

He let's his mother hug him and kiss his forehead, smoothing his hair. He promises to take care of his scars and scratches. L

“My brave little boy, I knew you could do it.”

He let's his grandparents tell him how proud they are. They don't accept the apology of Tomura for being the reason they are dead.

“It was our choice, a great one. We're glad of what we did, so don't regret it for us.”

When he opens his eyes, he's at the hospital. Apparently no one else died, but scared a bunch of people to death for suddenly reappearing with a bunch of injuries, covered in blood and mud.

The Villain Club gets to be angry with Tomura for not asking them for help and then they get to hug the hell out of him.

And if this is a horror movie, why didn't I kill more people? Because this is my au and I get to save them all for being the author.

Happy fucking ending you all.

And remember: I never told any of you that the demon was dead, because no one ever saw him dying.

#Shan's asks #Shan's mha aus #Shan's bnha aus #Shan's lov aus #The year of the demon lord au #bnha #mha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #league of villains #lov #shigaraki tomura #shimura tenko #shimura nao #shimura kotaro #AFO #shimura hana #Shimuras #shimura nana #kurogiri #dabi #toga himiko #magne #mr. compress #twice #spinner #giran #mustard #Mha aus #Bnha aus

[prose-for-hire]

UC Sunnyhell: Part Two

Hell is a place on Earth

Previous Part // Next Part

Pairing: Spike x reader

Request: College AU where Spike is the campus bad boy who secretly is a softie that writes poems and reader is the new transfer who just moved into Spike's apartment since it was the only available room on campus (no one wants to willingly live with Spike). Spike constantly having one night stands over, reader always trying to study. Things appear to go from bad to worse.

Originally requested by: @sunflower-stan​ 

Other tag: @fictionalhoomanofnowhere

Warning: Sex references. Swearing.

The first semester had been and gone by this point. You were settling into life at UC Sunnydale, found your friendship group in Buffy and the others. But one thing you still weren’t accustomed to, was living with Spike. He was hard to get along with at the best of times but living with him was a whole different thing.

He appeared to stay up most of the night and sleep well into the afternoon. He played loud punk music almost every waking hour and he smoked like a chimney. He never appeared to listen to a word you said and he pretty much did the opposite from whatever you said or thought anyway.

It was becoming really hard to live with him. Especially when he seemed to do everything he could to make you want to move out. He found it easier to live alone. To hide in the depths of what he knew than

Because of your current living situation you had started to branch out and pursue some of your interests. It beat staying in all the time and you really wanted to find someone that you could relate to.

You were a fan of musicals and the theatre. Poetry and literature. You liked reading and the way a writer could weave such intricate feelings. Scenes and spoken word able to explain your own feelings better than you ever could.

Your new friends didn’t really share your enthusiasm – even Willow was more into science and computers. Although your friend group were kind enough to listen to the way you spoke about your interests. They certainly didn’t make you feel bad about expressing your passions. But they just didn’t share your love and so you began to try to search out people that you could connect with. On some kind of deeper level.

You had been frequenting different bars that held open mic nights. Watching plays and listening to monologues. Letting the intricate wordplay wash over you. It could make you feel so many emotions. So many feelings were conjured.

Your favourite were the open mic nights. You pretty much never got up yourself, you usually would just listen. You were working yourself up to performing something of your own. You wrote things too it was just a matter of working on your performing skills. You were thinking of joining the clubs, maybe to improve your confidence in your writing. In your performing.

You walked back home from a play you had watched (and cried at) to find Spike sat there scribbling something. It was the first time you had ever seen him actually writing or appearing to do any work.

You were about to make a snide comment about it and then he noticed your presence. He almost jumped five feet in the air in surprise. He then hid the notebook behind his back and immediately got up to leave now you had returned. He left muttering something about you being a nosy bitch.

Spike had taken the opportunity, while he finally had time where he felt comfortable since you had actually left the house for once to write. This was something he didn’t like people knowing about. He wiped his eye as he stormed away. Hoping to God you hadn’t seen that. He couldn’t bear you knowing him that way. Laughing.

It was Friday evening and you had some friends over. There was a sudden knock at the front door. Spike had taken a baseball bat from his room and held it up as if he was ready to swing it.

Willow and Buffy’s eyes bulged at the object in his hand as they peaked from your bedroom doorway. Buffy was pleased they had convinced you to come to self-defence class now.

He walked slowly to the door, meeting you in the hallway skipping happily past him. He grabbed you back looking at you as if you were mad. He was expecting debt collectors. Again.

“Spike, it’s the pizza guy” You moved your shoulder from him before carrying on back to the door with the dollars in your hand, “What is wrong with you?” you muttered.

He scowled, jaw tensing as Buffy and Willow giggled at the way he had been so tense and he stormed away smacking the edge of the bat against the wall in his frustration. Leaving a small hole there.

You brought the pizzas back into your room (so you didn’t have to face spike again) and shared them out with your friends.

After you finished your meal and managed to calm yourselves down from whatever had just happened, talk of course turned back to Spike.

“So how is it… y’know…” Willow asked before mouthing “with Spike”. You hadn’t realised how much built up rage you had inside until you launched into your conversation.

“Well, I can tell you that Hell really is a place on Earth”

“That bad?”

“I can’t believe I’m stuck with him – if I even breath in his direction he has a problem with it!”

“Yeah, he’s always been a complete pig. Some people are just born evil” Buffy shrugged.

“Buffy! He’s not evil! He’s just… mean spirited”

“In the most evil way” Buffy added. She had never liked Spike. He was cruel and treated her as if she was dumb just because she was in a sorority and enjoyed cheerleading.

What you and the two girls didn’t realise, was that Spike was eavesdropping. You had all been laughing really loud and he was about to take his chance to kick Buffy and her little loser friend out. Until he found he was interested to hear what you all had to say about him.

You groaned, thinking about the way things had been. You needed to vent. So, you took the chance while you were in the company of your now closest friends.

“He’s inconsiderate and rude and also I’m pretty sure he never washes his clothes... but he always smells good. Weird”

“Totally weird”

“Well, we did like, warn you”

“And oh my God! He walks around naked all the time! There’s always some stranger he’s brought home and they are always so loud! He never studies and the plates are always piled high in the kitchen! It’s disgusting – he’s disgusting!”

“He’s always been so arrogant and gross”

“Hey, don’t wig, next year we can find a place. The four of us – right Buffy?” Willow offered, including her girlfriend. She comforted you as you caught your breath from your outburst. Willow rested her hand on your shoulder to reassure you.

“Really?” You asked with a smile as Buffy nodded. She was going to move out from her sorority so she wasn’t distracted for her last year she had already decided.

“Don’t worry, y/n. We’ll keep you sane” Buffy insisted.

Spike scoffed. The way Buffy acted as if she was saving you from him. As if he was a fate worse than death. You angered him. The way you had determined his character over a few fleeting conversations. The gossip your silly little friends told you.

You became enemy number one. Even more so than you had been before. He hated gossip and the way people would laugh behind his back. You reminded him of this every time he looked at you now, not that you knew this.

The annoyance for the other just kept growing. Yours had originally been fuelled by your friends rumours, but his actions were now getting worse. Spike was seething at your dismissive tone against your character. He didn’t even want a roommate, he only agreed the landlord to put the room up so he didn’t put up the rent again.

So he decided to try and make you leave. Properly this time. He didn’t care anymore, you reminded him of everyone out there. Everyone that he hid himself away from. Distanced himself from.

The tension rose uncomfortably. He was more rude. More gross. And he made sure to do everything he knew that he could to annoy you. It was petty, he knew it, but he knew it would get a rise out of you.

One afternoon, you had been scraping off some congealed red liquid that you had been concerned was blood. He hung out with a weird crowd, you only hoped some poor thing hadn’t been exploded in there. Although, upon further inspection it appeared to be tomato soup. But you would probably embellish the story a little to your friends.

You washed your hands and scowled at him. He had moved to lean against the doorway and just watch you clean.

“God, Spike, you’re so lazy”

“’Scuse me?”

“You don’t clean, you don’t study – what exactly do you do with your life?”

He was affronted by this. By the way you spoke to him. How he felt like you acted like you were better than him. In your frustration you didn’t care what he thought. He just didn’t care. You were trying to live your life.

He could hear Buffy or even Angel’s voice through your own. The way they had always berated him.

“And what? I should be like you? You’re not exactly making a proper go of it are you? Haven’t seen you do much of anything ‘cept follow them brainless bints around the shop. When you’re not doing that you sit in your room as life passes you by, livin’ through your little Musical shows rather than living in the real world - You’re boring. You’ll live your pathetic little life, stuck in your lame little ways until you die”

“Spike-”

“You’re all the same! You and your preppy little band of misfits looking down your noses at everyone and yet you can’t see the obvious, can you? You’re so bored with your pathetic, frigid little lives that you have to make it my bloody problem!”

You decided, seeing as that’s how he viewed you that you would treat him exactly like that. Like he treated you. Things got worse.

He started to invite people over all the time. You would call it a party but there was nothing celebratory about it. You were confined to your room most of the time as they all laughed and screamed along to their music. They were always drinking and playing music no matter what time of the day you saw them.

You usually avoided them, locking your door, but you had needed to slip out of your room for a moment.

“Who’s this?” One of the guests pointed you out as you tried to make it to the bathroom without anybody noticing you. Now everyone’s eyes were on you.

“Oh don’t mind them, they’re just for show hasn’t had an original thought their entire life” Spike shrugged.

“Aw, no, Spike. Another mindless automaton” One of his friends spoke up and he laughed. It was a cold laugh, there was no humour in it.

“Do you, like, want to-”

“Don’t, love. They’re nobody” Spike stopped the blonde girl from speaking to you more kindly than the rest. They all laughed at this and began to tease you.

You left, slamming the door and you heard them laughing, jeering at you for your reaction. It made tears sting the back of your eyes. You collected yourself, shrugging on your jacket. You walked to a place you knew you would be welcome.

You knew that you weren’t going to get on. But this was getting out of hand. You hated him. Hated the way he treated you. The way he judged you, despite him knowing exactly how that feels.

As you thought this, he appeared to be thinking the same thing. Which made Spike scoff and frown. Was he really better than any of the people he hated? He shook that thought away. Downing his beer and looking for another rather than reflect.

You had called Buffy on your way over and she had been quick to contact the entire group to tell them there had been a major incident. Everyone piled around to her dorm room so that they could support you. You had sounded upset on the phone.

You explained everything that had happened and they all comforted you the best that they could. Xander then showed you the stack of films he had brought to try to cheer you up. He had even found some Musicals just for you.

Buffy explained that she had called Angel but he says he’s sorry but he’s busy right now. Buffy appeared disappointed and when you asked her about it she explained. They used to date when they were seniors in college but they had broken up despite still both having feelings for each other.

She explained it had seemed the right thing to do at the time, but now she wished they were back together. You insisted that you would make it your mission to help them get back together which made Buffy grin at you. She really did value your friendship.

As the night wore on your friends began to discuss the idea of you taking your revenge on Spike. It had made you laugh as they suggested ridiculous pranks and ideas that wouldn’t bother him at all. But then they began to take it more seriously. Insisting that you should get even.

You said you weren’t sure. And left it at that. But they thought you had better do something or he wouldn’t stop.

You eventually went back to a trashed house after staying for the weekend with Buffy. You stared at the mess. Maybe you would have to do something.

It had been unusually quiet the few days prior and you should have known better than to hope he had stopped. You had heard a girl, one of Spike’s partners that came around more than most (Harmony but her sex noises were nothing close to harmonious). She explained that if they were to have a threesome it would have to be boy-boy-girl. Apparently, neither of them had been able to swing Charlize Theron.

You had overheard this conversation over breakfast one morning on. A rare occasion they were both awake (they hadn’t gone to sleep yet). You had immediately spat out your food in disgust of their blunt discussion.

It had been perhaps in slight exaggeration but you felt like you were allowed. You were fine with people having sex and having fun but you really didn’t want to have to hear about it over your breakfast. They could have at least let you rub the sleep from your eyes first.

He had scoffed at you at the time and now he had set this up seemingly just to rub you up the wrong way. As opposed to the right ways he was rubbing his partners.

He tried to push the thought down that this had been solely planned because of you. With you in mind. To get a reaction from you. Because that would start him questioning his intentions. His actions. How you made him so angry it was now near obsessive.

So, it appeared they had finally agreed on the logistics of it. And were now giving you a live audio performance. On some random Thursday afternoon just as you had settled down to study.

You swore they were doing it on purpose. Being as loud as possible just to get a rise out of you.

You pounded on the door. You could smell sex from where you were stood out on the landing. He opened the door and stale cigarette smoke appeared to pour out of the room with him. He had opened the door almost immediately. As if he had been waiting.

“Spike!”

“Problem, pet?”

“I don’t care that you’re having sex, the walls are just so thin – I have an exam coming up can you just be quiet? Or go to one of your, uh, friends’ houses…”

“Mm, someone’s jealous”

“I’m not-”

“Just ‘cause you’re not bloody gettin’ any” He prodded before he thought about it a moment, changing tac, “Oh no. I know what this is… You want me, you need me…” He teased, knowing it would make you flustered.

“I just- I just want to-”

“If you wanted a taste all you had to do was ask” He smirked, moving his hips slightly and moving his head smugly along with his words. Drawing your attention to his naked form. The people in his bed were calling him back and you were just staring at each other. All he was wearing was a single silver chain around his neck. He was attractive, you couldn’t deny this and he knew it too. 

You were both furious at each other. Silently trying to gain the upper hand.

“You’re a pig, Spike!” You suddenly screamed, stepping towards him angrily. Which made him smile and just close the door in your face. That was what he had wanted. To get such a big emotional response from you.

You were so angry you threw one of your precious book at his now slammed shut door. He winced at the name you had used, one often used against him by people like Buffy. She even managed to get to him in his own home. You angered him. You angered him.

But he turned back and the noises started up again and you knew for sure that they were doing it on purpose now. It was getting louder and louder. He couldn’t be that fucking good, you were sure of it.

You ran into your room and rummaged through the stack of CDs you had brought with you, selecting the perfect accompaniment. The soundtrack from your favourite musical. You turned the volume up fully and let the entire score play out.

You never wanted to see his stupid smug face again.

#UC sunnyhell #Spike btvs #Spike x reader #Spike imagine #Spike x you #btvs #btvs x reader #btvs imagine #btvs x you #Buffy The Vampire Slayer #buffy the vampire slayer imagines #gender neutral #gn #college au

[sasa-gay-yo]

Just Us (Chapter Fifteen: Dedicate Your Heart)

← Chapter Fourteen

I thought I was going to die. Sitting there hearing his pompous ass ramble on about how better his life than ours in the Capital was going to make me go crazy if he didn’t stop. He seemed to enjoy it too. The way his lips curled into a smirk when he heard Jonas groan next to me as he went on and on about the luxuries of the capital and what the Military Police get for their monthly bonus. I was just trying to keep my best behavior up because Ben had threatened Jonas and me before this meet-up. It was even worse than I thought it was going to be too because Catrin wasn’t there to talk over him. I’d rather hear her babble on about her baby and hair salon than whatever shit is coming out of his mouth now. Duran was point-blank lying about all of this and you knew it. MPs just sit around and do nothing in the capital, and now he was accepted to join a special team that was so top secret, he could only tell us every detail? I didn’t buy it. Also, how was he considered an elite soldier? These were all the thoughts running through your mind while he talked. 

“That sounds like an amazing opportunity for you Duran. Maybe we can visit you as a family in the capital after your training.” I also laughed at Ben’s proposal, knowing good and well I was never going to willingly venture onto Duran’s turf where he can bullshit to us even more. If anything, we should show up at a random time so he’s taken by surprise and can’t cover up his lies with a few changes of cash. 

“But enough about me,” he feigned, “What’s been going on with you all here back home?” Ben looked at Jonas and me, then to his wife, and realized that he was the only one willing to talk, so he started off about his job and the cafe. I knew I’d be next, so I was trying to build some narrative in my head that Duran couldn’t pick apart. In the middle of the part where I’m trying to figure out how to not tell him about closing the shop for a period of time, Jonas kicked me under the table. As annoyed as I was, when I saw him move his head towards the back door I was the first one out of my chair. 

“Fresh air,” I mumbled, before walking out, not hearing Duran’s comment when Jonas got up to join me. 

“Those two finally together?” I slammed the door, forgetting that Jonas was right behind, and he walked out holding his head. I mumbled sorry before starting up the ladder to the roof. The spot that Jonas and I always went to do nothing. Once on the roof, it gave a nice view across Trost and I could see the top of the walls where the guns and Garrison sat in wait. A few days ago, the whole of Trost was awoken by cannon fire, and it took all but two hours for the café to be bustling with the rumors that the first titan had reached the outside of Trost. To say it was scary was an understatement, but it was overly annoying that now the people were rejoicing how close the Scouts were to save Trost if anything happened. I don't remember those praises when the mission to reclaim the wall had happened. How easily they could switch up because they needed personal protection astounded me. After that incident, the Scouts had allocated a few people to stand watch every day at the wall to kill any abnormal or call for help if the titans that destroyed Shiganshia were back again. It was morbid, but I was waiting for the day that the Colossal Titan, as people were calling it, reached a hand over Trost’s walls. Staring at them now, I could just picture it. 

“Penny for your thought, Ev?” Jonas took out a pack of cigarettes, a habit he acquired in the past few months, and got something out of his pocket to light it. The roof and outside of my apartment was the only place he could do it without getting yelled at by Ben or his roommates. I had done my best to warm him the first few weeks, but he seemed not to care. Still, I had no idea why he started now when he had years previous to do it.

“Thinking about when the Colossal Titan reaches Trost.” He took a drag and just nodded, counting on comments of morbidity to come from my mouth. It was a common theme now. 

“Anything else less… intense? I’m trying to have a relaxing time up here before I have to go down and listen to Duran’s mouth.” I smiled lightly, dangling my legs off the edge of the building. I had to think of something else to say because that’s truly all I was thinking about. These days, I don’t try and let my mind run.

“I was thinking about paying a few petty gang members to jump Duran on his way back to Mitras. You want to donate a few notes?” He sighed, this time shaking his head, but I could see the smile on his face. It was a tempting offer for the day we’ve had to endure. 

“Unfortunately, my crime funds have run low. If Catrin was here, she’d donate though.”

“She would.” The wind whipped through once, and I put my arms around myself, regretting not storming out with at least a jacket. It was almost winter. One month till the end of the year. Six months. 

“How long did Ben say Duran was staying? Am I going to have to entertain him tomorrow in the café?” Jonas snuffed out his cigarette on the brick before leaning back a bit to feel the wind enter his ashed lungs. 

“The week I think. At least he’s not staying in your old bedroom. Now I can’t stay at home when I want to for the next week. I have a double shift in two days and it was so much easier to come back here and sleep.” I groaned. God, I was going to have to entertain him and his new happy-go-lucky attitude. That was the worst part. While he was still annoying, braggy, and covertly malicious, the only thing that changed is that he seemed less interested in fighting outright. Actually, it was even more annoying because there wasn’t anything to call him out for upfront. He hid his ass well and Ben seemed to be eating up this fake persona.

“At least Ben isn’t forcing you to make food for this fucking family picnic inside the walls. It’s your fault for telling him about the meadow. I have no idea why now Ben feels like we need to be a family again, I’m almost thirty.” Jonas huffed one in laughter.

“I could think of a few reasons why, but I’d like to keep the peace we’ve made tonight.” I nodded, knowing what some of those reasons were.

“I’m glad you’ve made that decision.” He threw the cigarette off the building and I watched it fall and hit the ground. The last spark flew out of it when it hit the mud, and quickly burnt out. I just stared at it for what seemed like forever. 

“If you went back to your old self, you know, became happy again, I’m sure Dad wouldn’t force you on family picnics.” Ah, there it was. The daily comment about my state of emotion. It was different than last time. I wasn’t crying anymore and I didn’t show up to the café with bloodshot eyes from no sleep. No, I was calm. I was living on spite. There would be no tears for someone who would never drop them for me. There was anger. Definitely anger. Sometimes it came out too. The latest victim was Elias who had spilled over a whole pail of water and I yelled at him loud enough for Jonas, who was outside throwing away garbage, to hear. I bought him any sweet he wanted from the corner shop to apologize. He wasn’t the only one I’d let my anger out on. 

Hange visits me now. I don’t know why she does it, and every time she sits in his seat. At first, it was annoying to be reminded of him, but I grew to like her conversation. Once, however, she talked about him, and I yelled at her to stop. She seemed used to it for some reason, not even flinching with my harsh words. Even after, she continued as nothing happened and let me feel guilty. The last time she came, about the same time the first titan reached Trost, I treated her to an extra tart because of it. 

“This is me now, Jonas. Pretty much.” I pushed back the skin on my nails knowing he would protest that. 

“No, it’s not. I’ve never seen you act like this. This isn’t you.” I just hummed, agreeing so he would stop pressing it. I’d try my hardest every day to not think about it. One-track mind. 

“You two! Come back down! It’s time for dessert!” The door slammed behind Ben, signaling he’d gone back inside after yelling at us. Jonas stood up before I could say something back, motioning that the conversation was done. This is how it usually went. He was too overwhelmed with the fact that I had no emotion anymore and then just left the conversation. 

“Well come on then.” 

For the rest of the week, my detest towards Duran was building. He came every day to the café, dressed up in his MP uniform, and talked to everyone like he owned the place. Some of the older women also flaunted over him, remembering the days he was here and making some form of fake past where he actually stayed in the café. I couldn’t even remember a clear time when he was in the café while I was working, and I worked there every day. They must have remembered something very, very different than I did. I just stood there and watched with distaste and told all my grievances to Jonas.  On the day of the picnic, I was about to completely snap. 

The family picnic had included Elias and June and Jonas’s sister. Elias and June had come to the café that morning, asking if they could stay with me since their family was starting another cult meeting and I agreed, knowing it would be a welcoming distraction to Duran. We were now waiting outside Jonas’s house. Waiting for Duran to put his stupid MP gear on. He thought the citizens of Trost would marvel at his status, not having any MPs here, but I told him that they’d rather spit on him. That set him off once, but he easily controlled it. I guess this new squad needed him to control that nasty ass personality to be in it. Good.

“And the person who bought the book said that it was like brand new! Mr. Philpa even commended me on my work! I really think I’m starting to get the hang of it.” I mustered to give June a smile, trying to keep her happy atmosphere up. I would need it today if I was going to be forced to listen to Duran for hours now. Since I insulted him this morning, I was going to have a target on my back the rest of the day. That was very clear when he complimented how well my makeup covered up the huge black circles on my face. Passive aggressive ass. 

“Alright, everyone! Time to head out!” Ben was over the moon that his family had gathered to do something. He was the family man, always. It was probably instilled in him by Mrs. Flynn, at least that’s what Catrin had said, and it was getting to be annoying. I could come to their house to eat, but to forcibly make me make food for Duran who was just going to complain about the flavor? I couldn’t handle that. I swore up and down the kitchen when I was making this last night. As we walked to the Trost entrance, Duran just kept talking, and even at the front of the pack with Jonas and Elias, I could still hear him rambling. It was giving me a headache, which was a telltale sign I was going to burst any minute. This is always what happens when I yell at someone. The anger builds up into physical pain, and I can’t get rid of it any other way. In the dead of the night, I’ll wake up from a dream and find no better remedy than yelling Fuck really loud. It’s embarrassing when I forget Jonas is usually on my couch.

“You good?” Jonas leaned in to whisper in my ear and I just looked at him out of the side of my eyes. He got the memo and continued talking to Elias about his school work. It was too loud in this part of Trost, and Duran’s stupid voice was even louder. This coupled with the fact that people would stop to talk to Ben or even me was getting to be way too much. This is why I stayed in the café most of the time. 

“Eva, haven’t seen you come this way for a while,” the Garrison captain called out from where he and the morning watch were playing cards on a barrel. At that moment, I vividly remembered punching him in the face, and I was tempted to do it again as he stopped the whole party to talk to me. The way he said it was definitely hinting at the fact that I was no longer in his secretly assessed relationship. 

“I’ve just come when you’re not around, Captain. Probably drunk in a pub somewhere.” Duran was the first to hop into the conversation, ready to begin a military circle jerk. 

“Evylnn, that’s not how you talk to a military member! Good morning, Captain.” Duran held his hand out to the Captain who gave one weary look at it and shook it. He remembered Duran correctly and he knew how much trouble he’d gotten into as a kid. He was also probably surprised that he had an MP uniform on when he would throw rocks at the Garrison.

“I don’t know what it’s like in Mitras, but that’s how we talk to them here in Trost, Duran. Then again, what would a military mouse like you know?” He turned and glared, making me reminisce about the real Duran. The signature glare was still there. You just had to wait for it.

“We’re just leaving, Captain. Sorry to bother you!” Ben grasped my shoulder, hard, making me pay for what I’d said to both the Captain and Duran. He pulled me too, right to the front where Jonas and the kids were standing. While he pushed me, he whispered a threat in my ear. 

“If this picnic is ruined by you, you’re paying.” I didn’t react, even though I wanted to roll my eyes at him. It wouldn’t be my fault if I said something to make everyone uncomfortable. It would be Duran’s fault because he provoked me. I just tsk-ed as he let me go and started walking back to join Analee. 

“You don’t know how bad I want to ruin this picnic now, Jonas.” He sighed, but I could definitely tell it was to hide a laugh in front of Elias and June. When we got to the open gate, the Garrison soldiers saw my glare and just let us through without any protest. Usually, this large of a group would be questioned thoroughly, but since I was in it, they knew not to ask me anything. Duran seemed surprised by this and stopped to yell at them for not doing their job, holding us up again. I just stood there, halfway through the tunnel as he blabbed on and on able the Garrison's responsibility like he was their boss. An MP wasn't going to boss Garrison members around, but here he was in his arrogance, trying to do that.

“You don’t know how to do your jobs! If there’s a group this large the-” 

“Scouts are coming!” Someone yelled from above the wall, and when I looked out the entrance, I could see the horses nearing the walls. They were leaving late today, but how could I forget it was the first of the month. 

“Please, Miss. Flynn, we're going to ask you to move and stay here till the Scouts progress through. It won’t be that long there isn’t a lot of them.” I was touched by one of the Garrison soldiers, and I quickly shrugged their hand off of me, not wanting to move. I could see Erwin now in front of everyone, and subconsciously I was looking for the black hair. Jonas was the one to come over and drag me to the side of the tunnel so I wouldn’t get trampled on impact. 

“How could I forget?” I whispered, and I knew he had heard it. Technically, there were supposed to leave by the time I woke up today, making sure I never was tempted to look out my window when they left. Whenever they came back, I would sit in the back room too. I was making such an effort to never see him, but now I was forced to stand here as the Garrison blocked the two sides of the tunnel. Duran and the rest were held back and only Jonas, Elias, June, and I stood in the tunnel. I couldn't even hide. I was there in plain sight and I knew I would be face to face with him. I hardened my face quickly as they approached. He wasn’t going to get to see any emotion from me. Just like he did to me. He stood on his horse right next to Erwin and right in front of me. I didn’t even look at him like I said I was going to do. I stared right at Erwin who was stopped by the Garrison squad leader to do a head and supply count. 

“Commander Erwin!” Elias called out, making everyone who didn’t care about our presence now look right at us. I felt the eyes. I heard some of the whispers. Some of them didn’t die between then and now, and they remembered my face. It was telling too that I couldn’t stare at Levi, but I didn’t feel his eyes on me. He didn’t care about me. I had to remind myself about that. He didn’t care. That’s why he left me. He used me. I just had to tell myself this over and over again to try and forget. I was doing so good recently too. I’d only think about him once a day now, but this instance was going to ruin it. If I even glanced and met his eye, it would all be gone. 

“Hello, Elias. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. You’ve grown,” he looked over to me, noticing that the two of us were just glaring at him instead of looking at each other, “Eva. It has been too long.” I fought back the urge to scoff, but I knew I had to respond. I had to let him know I wasn’t hurt. 

“It has, hasn’t it Commander. If you come to the café with Squad Leader Hange, I’ll treat you.” I smiled. The best smile I had mustered in months. He needed to know I was done. I was past him. I didn’t need him. I didn’t think of him every night. I didn’t regret not sleeping in my bed once with him. He needed to know that I didn’t. 

“Of course I’ll take you up on that offer, Eva. Well, we’ll be off.” He nodded down to the Garrison soldier and they moved the blocks out of the way so the horses and carts could continue. When his horse started walking, I thought it safe to look at him. His eyes were filled with that one emotion. The one that was there when he had nightmares. When he confessed his feelings to me. When he told me about his life in the Underground. The emotion, still unnamed to him, I had labeled pain. He was in pain. I hoped my eyes didn’t display the emotion that I was feeling either. With one look up, and one sheer shot of pain through my heart, I looked back down on the ground. He knew. He knew exactly what I’d been through. What I was thinking. And it was sadistic of me to think that for one second that that look of pain was because he missed me. No, it must have pained him to see how hopeless I was. It must have further proved that I couldn’t live without him. Pain. I was feeling pain. I was feeling it this whole time. These whole six months. 

“You may carry on, Mr. Flynn.” 

“I didn’t know that you knew the Commander of the Scouts, Eva. Fitting.” I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. He was talking about Kristian. I handed the picnic basket of food to Jonas and took one look at Duran and smiled wickedly. 

“I’m sorry you’re jealous that I’m closer to high ups than you’ll ever be, Duran. Maybe if you got on your knees for them like you probably did to get on this special squad of yours, then you’d be in my position. Sorry brother, but I’m not hungry anymore. I’ll be cleaning the café.” Ben didn’t stop me, but I knew he was mad. I’d ruined his figurative perfect family picnic and now he was going to have to deal with a pissed-off Duran and talk about me the whole time. I did feel a bit guilty, but I just couldn’t stand being there. Not now. I took the long way home, making sure not to cross the main road, and walked up to my apartment from the back. I shut all my windows too. Loud. Hoping that maybe if he was situated outside my window in formation, he would hear it. 

I left those upstairs windows closed for what felt like forever. Jonas would always complain how stuffy it felt with no light besides oil lamps in the living room, but I always yelled at him if he went to touch them. I need to stop myself from being tempted. Every first of the month, I would hear it. I heard the horses and the carts match forward. I listened to Erwin’s speech each time. Every speech had a similar form and ended with the famous line shinzo wo sasageyo. There would be some lowered shouts and then they would all ride off to the other gate into the land of the titans. Give your hearts. How to give your heart when it’s in pieces? That’s what I thought every time and if the windows weren’t closed, I would have looked out to see Levi. Was he looking up at the windows like he used to? Giving me a firm nod before they left, only to do the same when I saw them come back. I wanted to know so bad, so that’s why I kept them shut. If I looked and he didn’t do it, it would ruin the illusion in my mind that somehow he still had feelings for me.

Eren, Armin, and Mikasa came back too. One last time before they were off to training camp. I was touched that they would remember my single act of kindness, and I treated them to their last sweet meal for three years. 

“If we can write letters, Miss. Eva, I’ll write one to you.” Armin told me in confidence, and I nodded, telling him that I would like that. Even if I’d known them for so little, it was hard to see them off to training camp. They were cadets now and Eren was still going on about killing all the titans. I guess it was a bit refreshing to see such passion in his eyes, but it still scared me a little. I told him to calm himself down before they stepped off back to their last night in the Garrison storeroom. They waved, even Mikasa, and I made them take a little food-to-go. Once they were done with training, they would be stationed in Trost as cadets before going to be Scouts. They would visit me then, they promised. I would be able to see them all grown up. I also told them that I would probably be able to see them when they graduate regardless, but it gave something for the others to look after. Armin and Mikasa seemed much less enthusiastic to go out in the field and kill titans.

“Their names are Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. At least, Eren said he wanted to join the Scouts.” I passed the cup of coffee over to Hange who seemed to be scribbling furiously in her notebook. I had to even light a candle since she had stayed so late, stuck by some inspiration. After their last exhibition, she’d gotten to study a titan’s gut up close and she said she needed an extra dose of coffee to be able to draw everything. 

“If they want to be in the Scouts that bad they will. Only the top 10 people get to be an MP and then the rest usually go to the Garrison. Scouts are a special breed. We usually only get twenty in good years.” I took a sip of my coffee, not caring about how long I’d stay up tonight. I’d probably be here talking to Hange either way. She seems to have made it her mission to not let me feel lonely. Every time she comes she has little tasks for me or something that she needs to consult people for. I never get sleep on the days that Hange comes, but I feel a bit warmer slipping into bed. 

“I have a brother who went to the MPs, that means he was in the top ten of his class?” I gave her a look of disbelief. There was no way Duran was actually good at what he did. Top ten my ass. He would be bragging about it if he was.

“The only way they would allow that if most of the top 10 pick Scout or Garrison. The MPs need to hit a certain quota every year, so that could be why. What do you think of this? Is it proportional to the titan's body?” She showed me her notebook and pointed to something that looked like a small intestine. I shrugged.

“Hange, I don’t know what titans look like.” She sighed, nodding. 

“You’re right, I forget that you aren’t a Scout. You know, you’re the only person who isn’t a Scout that I know.” I didn’t know if I should take that as a compliment or not. 

“Don’t you have a family, Hange?” She pulled back the notebook and erased the part she pointed out at me, redrawing it. 

“Well, yeah, but they don’t count. It’s just my parents and they don’t really care about titans either. I think they’re just fascinating.” I gave her a light smile before turning to look out the window at the setting sun. The snow was starting to melt now, but relatively early. I wondered what Eren and the others were doing. If it wasn’t dinner, then probably more training. Their first day was only a few days ago and Hange had told me again about the man who trains them. Hard as a rock and yells really loud. She didn’t have him personally, but he spent his last year in the Scouts when she had just joined.

“I wish I knew more about titans and the military. A lot of people I know are in the military, so it would make sense, you know?” She put her pencil down and crossed her hands. 

“If you want to know more about titans I can tell you about all my experiments. If you want to know more about the military, you can ask me. I’ve been there a while.” She pushed her glasses up again and I turned to look at her. Hange really was an almanac in front of me. 

“Do titans really look like they draw them in the newspaper? They look like big humans?” A finger went up as she started her lecture. 

“Titans have faces like humans sometimes, and other times their features are often... oversaturated. We have no idea why this variation happens occurs. Some look like big versions of you and me, and others look like they have giant eyes, a small forehead, and huge lips. Like three feet long lips. They’re naked too, but without human genitalia. It’s just bare down there. Most of the time, they just look like pink humans. Then there are abnormals.” 

“I’ve heard those words before,” I pointed out and she nodded quickly. I wasn’t going to tell her who I heard it from, but I’ve heard it. 

“Abnormals are those who don’t act like regular titans. They might have more intelligence or partially weird bodily traits. Some can jump, others can crawl. You probably heard it when people talked about Shiganshina. The two titans that broke through the walls were abnormal. One was taller than the walls and the other was really muscular and had armored plates on its body. And it was yellowy-orange, which is not a titan color. But you want to know why those titans are even more abnormal than abnormals?” Her eyes lit up in the candlelight, and it was almost scary how she was getting when talking about this. I wondered how the Scouts got so lucky to find someone like Hange to discover these things for them. 

“Why?” 

“They disappeared. Poof!” She yelled using her hands, “Into thin air! No matter which titan they are, the body is always there to cut into. Once we got there, both the Colossal and the Armored Titan were gone in thin air. There was no way that would happen with any normal titan. I just want to know why! This is like one of the biggest titan secrets ever!” They disappeared into thin air?

“That doesn’t make sense.” 

“I know!” She seemed delighted with this information, “You can see why people left this out of the newspapers. The citizens would go crazy if they knew a titan that was like 80 meters tall just walked off!” She went off in her usual manic laughter after that, just overly joyed that a titan like this could have an ability like that and she was one of the only people who could figure out the mystery. 

“Hange, are you supposed to tell me all of this?” She stopped laughing and blinked once or twice before breaking out into a smile again. 

“No.” This made me laugh too. That was Hange’s ability. I don’t laugh unless it’s about her. Really laugh. She says jokes or acts in a way that lightens the mood in the empty café. I thank her for that regularly.

“Hange, it’s getting late, you should probably head out. You have an expedition tomorrow… Unless you want to stay here. I have space upstairs.” This was the first time Hange had come over when an expedition was the next day. She apparently snuck out to come here and it would probably be hard to sneak back in. I knew by the way her eyes lit up too that she was going to agree. 

This is how I found that, besides the length of the pants, Hange and I were the same size. She sat on the couch, a blanket around her shoulders, staring down at the notebook with the same intensity as earlier. This would be the first time Hange had stayed over. Hange was also very comfortable with this idea. I offered her space in my bed and she took it right away. However, this began to be a mistake on my part because she couldn’t stop talking next to me. 

“This bed is really comfortable, what is it made out of?” 

“Feathers.” 

“If you had to choose between eating a whole onion or eating a cockroach, what would you pick?” 

“Can I choose neither, what kind of question is that?” 

“Okay, eaten or stepped on by a titan.” 

“... stepped on.”

“I agree!” At first, it was a welcomed distraction. When I was alone in my bed, these were the times I thought of him. Especially since I would wake up to the sounds of the horses at my front door. I wouldn’t cry anymore. It had been too long. Pretty soon, it would be over a year of loneliness and discontent. I hadn’t seen his face since the picnic disaster, and all I had of him were the letters. The letters that I now kept shoved under my mattress so that I could read them. Over and over. The letters that hid his lies. I fed into the lies too. When I read the letters, I didn’t feel alone. I would revert back to the times when I met him. The times when he wrote me these letters. When I was in love. Who am I kidding, I’m still in love. I never forgot. That’s why the letters are sitting under my mattress, right below my arm. It hurt. It always did. Loving someone who didn’t love you back. I never experienced it till now. This was how Jonas felt. 

“Eva?” Hange asked, seeing that I was staring up at the ceiling, getting lost in my thoughts. I’d have to remember that she was there. I couldn’t wake up screaming into the night like I had before. She wouldn’t ignore it like Jonas did. 

“Yes, Hange?” She shifted so that she was facing me. 

“He still asks about you.” My heart clenched and I closed my eyes. No. Not now. It was fueling me. The thought all the way back in my mind. He was lying. He did love me. 

“Does he?” It was hard to spit out and it sounded like a whisper when it didn’t mean to be. 

“I’m not allowed to tell you everything, but he does. He misses you.” 

“Why are you telling me this, Hange?” I could feel her smile next to me, and I turned my head to see it. It was a smile that was hiding secrets from me. 

“Because I want to make you two happy again. You two aren’t happy like you were before.” I sighed, turning away from her as I felt tears well in my eyes. There goes my three-month-long record of no crying. 

“He doesn’t love me, Hange. You of all people know that.” She tsk-ed, just like him. 

“You’ll know soon. Both of you will. I know it.” I sniffled once, and she already had her hand on my back. Great. She heard me. Was she going to tell Levi about this? 

“It’ll be okay, Eva. Trust me.” 

The next morning, she woke me up. She was already dressed and hopping around the apartment and I just took my first few steps out. The front windows were open too, for the first time in months. The light was radiating down onto the kitchen counter and living room table she was currently sitting at, gathering her things.

“Good morning, sunshine! Isn’t it such a nice day to go see some titans?” I huffed once, rubbing my eyes to get them more awake. This was the earliest I’d been up at in a while. Only Hange would say something like that this early in the morning. 

“Don’t you need your gear?” I walked to the kitchen, looking out at her in the living room. 

“Moblit will bring it. He knows I’m here. He’s a member of my squad.” I nodded, turning on a kettle to make hot water for coffee. I’d offer it to her as retribution for comforting me last night. Maybe I’d ask her to not tell him what happened either. I didn’t want him to know I was still weak after all this time. She just looked down at her notebook, writing more and more things in it, a book to her left. I never knew how she could read so much. 

“Coffee?” I offered to after I poured some, but she shook her head, saying it would make her even more jittery during the expedition. I could already see that when the time entered for the horses to be filling up in Trost’s main drag that she was shaking, not with fear, but excitement. What a weird girl, I thought, shaking my head at her. We talked a bit here and there about the expedition's plans, but at this point, we were both waiting for the Scouts to come and pick her up. I was planning too. Planning whether I would close up those windows as she exited.

When they finally came, she did something unexpected. She grabbed my wrist, letting me put on some proper shoes, and then pulled me down my front stairs to hundreds of eyes preparing for take-off. It was a bit embarrassing that I was just in a single nightgown in front of all of them, and Hange seemed to forget I was only wearing sandals as she pulled me.

“Moblit!” She yelled and pulled me into the middle of the Scouts. Now, I was feeling really watched. Those who survived had now seen my face for the third time. When Hange yelled, a long-faced blonde turned around, ODM gear in his hand. He looked shaken too like he was about to get yelled at. 

“Moblit, this is my friend, Eva! I was having a sleepover at her house last night. My gear, thank you!” The blonde man, Moblit, dropped her gear and bowed to me. I bowed a little bit back, putting my hands on my arms. The morning was still not yet a summer one, so wearing nothing over my slip was making me start to freeze. Everyone here had on a coat and the signature green cape while I was bare. 

“Hello, Moblit,” I managed out and he turned to Hange to talk about something. I just stood there, not knowing if I was able to just leave, or if Hange had wanted to talk more. With every passing moment, I was getting more and more anxious about seeing one face in the field. That’s why I was staring right at Hange, eyes not moving anywhere no matter how tempted I was. 

“Oh my goodness!” Hange announced loudly, making others turn to look again, “You’re freezing! How could I drag you out here like this!?” She turned around to look through the bags on the cart behind her. She was probably looking for something to give me so I wasn’t freezing and shivering. This probably meant that she was going to make me stand and talk to her before Erwin dismissed the families. That’s what usually happened. Some wives, husbands, and families who relocated to Trost would come in the morning to say goodbye for, possibly, the last time, and Erwin would politely dismiss them before giving his big shinzo wo speech. 

“Moblit, do we have any extra capes, I can’t find on-” The green dropped over my shoulders rather sloppily, but I could feel the warmth left behind by the previous wearer. I didn’t want to turn behind me to see who it was though. I knew who it was. So did Moblit. So did Hange. So did the others who were still looking at me. They knew who had given me the cape, and they were surprised at the generosity. I was scared. Scared of the generosity. What did it mean? How did it align with what Hange said last night? 

Mint, lemon, and cedar. 

“Please, don’t expose yourself in front of my cadets.” The horse trotted off to the front, but his foot lightly brushed my back. Just that one touch. That one single second. It sent a chill down my spine. It had been so long since I’d touched him. The last time was our last goodbye. Just like the families here in Trost. I’d held him on my doorstep, right before the expedition, not knowing that it would be our last goodbye.

Hange stood up, giving me the same smile she did last time. It said those two words. Trust me. What was Hange doing? Had she changed his demeanor? Why could I still feel that chill down my spine? Why was I holding his cape so close to me when I should’ve been throwing it on the ground? 

I took the cape off my shoulders, taking one look at it before giving it back to Hange. I wouldn’t let him do this. I wouldn’t let him care about me. The chill, however, was unbearable after I handed it back. It wasn’t just the chill of the morning wind anymore. It was the chill of his eyes still on me as I handed it back to Hange. 

“I-I need to get the… the café, yeah, I need to get it ready.” She nodded, the smile still on her face, and I turned around to go back up to my apartment. 

“That’s cute! Haha, look at this, Moblit. Levi marks his cape with a little L so he knows it’s his!” I stopped walking. I was at the edge of the Scouts, all of them behind me, yet if I looked to my side I would get a view of him. He was always on the right of Erwin. So, that’s what I did. After Hange said that, I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and locked eyes. There it was again. Pain. His eyes were full of pain. Vivid pain that made me feel it too. My heart twisted inside, and I was so close to getting caught if I didn’t stalk up the stairs to my apartment and close the door. I crouched down, my back against the door, the tears coming again. Pain. That’s all I felt. Pain. Why had he done that? Why was I suffering this whole time? Why had he put an L on his cape? What was it supposed to show me? Why were we suffering? Why couldn’t he just tell me plainly? Why couldn’t I understand what he was doing? Why? Why? Why? 

I cried through Erwin’s speech, his words a lot louder this time. They were echoing in my head. About sacrifice. About saving the world. Everything that would make an apprehensive cadet ready to go outside the walls and die. And then he ended it. That one phrase. 

“Cadets! Scouts! The people of Trost! Shinzo wo sasageyo!” The cries lifted in the air. They made my head hurt. I wondered if Levi heard my cries from inside my apartment. I held my head in my hands. 

“I can’t. I can’t dedicate my heart. Not again. Not again.”

Jonas found me like that when I didn’t show up for his morning delivery. The café remained closed that day. And the next. I closed the windows back up too. Jonas didn’t question what happened either. He just stacked up the delivery boxes in the stock room and then left, promising he’d come back later when he was off. When he came back, I was still in the same spot he put me on the couch. He echoed his words from the first time. 

“What did he do?” and I just shook my head. 

xx just a cute little double update for yall

Chapter Sixteen →

Chapter Masterlist

#levi attack on titan #levi ackerman #levi ackerman scenario #levi ackerman x reader #levi ackerman x oc #attack on titan levi #attack on titan #attack on titan x reader #attack on titan x oc #AoT #aot levi #aot x reader #snk levi #snk x reader #snk #shingeki no kyojin #shingeki no kyoujin levi #Captain Levi

[marshmallowprotection]

Cyclamen

Pairing: Saeran Choi/Original Female Character(s)

Bio: Saeran had just been given his hope for the future and freedom. Yet, it was all being tugged away from him just as quickly as he had been able to taste of the river of life. She wants to stand by his side no matter what that means, but her selfless love goes around both ways. They cling to the other as night falls and fate is put into their hands.

Set Post-Good Ending. Spoilers for the After Ending. 

[Read on AO3]

Happy Birthday Saeran!

Lila knew that she didn't have a moment to hesitate anymore.

It was only a matter of time until things got out of control again. The plan was underway and now that it was fully started and in control, there was no way to turn back. No matter how much she wished that there was. 

She was utterly frustrated but she knew that that wasn't going to fix it or change it.

Saeran made up his mind. He held her close and told her that there was no other way. He didn’t have a plan for it. He didn’t want her to know the truth but he couldn’t lie to her face. He had to admit that he had no rescue plan for himself. He was going to give up his life so that Saeyoung could live and so she could live his freedom for him.

He had told her over and over again that there was no other choice here. Lila didn't want to argue with him in front of Jihyun and Rika. The last thing she wanted was to be angry if this was truly the end of things. They both had decided that it proved nothing to be angry at everything. He had let go of that part of himself and he refused to let it overcome him again.

She was proud of him for choosing kindness over cruelty. That was hard for anyone to do. His heart held so much hurt and she knew that he wanted to scream. He wanted to cry and lash out, but it didn’t help him. It just made his heart hurt more in the process. He didn’t want to hurt anymore.

That wasn’t his choice, though.

Saeran was trying to be the better man, not because he wanted people to respect him or think he to be a saint. It was because he wanted to be kind. He wanted to choose to be kind because he’d been forced to be angry and bitter for so long that he didn’t want it anymore. He just wanted to be free and happy.

Happy to be himself and to find out what that meant.

His kindness knew no bounds. He did not know what was too much and what was too little. In a way, it was a double-edged sword. Because he was willing to give up his life it meant that he had the power to protect someone’s heart and happiness. He was willing to do whatever it took to be able to ensure the life and love of those that meant something to him.

And yet, he was learning how not to give himself too much at the same time, but this was beyond the limit. He had tried to set boundaries and assert himself as they started living at C&R after the escape from Mint Eye. He was able to say that he wanted a break, or that he wanted to eat or to go to sleep for the first time.

A taste of being able to do what he wanted without someone treating him like a child that didn’t know any better.

This is why Lila was so desperate to find him, now. Jihyun had told him something so scary and frightening that he must have been having a hard time. The secret made her skin crawl so very quickly, and all she could think about was how Saeran had been lied to for years about the truth of what happened in his life, not just to his twin brother, but to his mother as well. The only family that he ever had.

Lila couldn’t imagine the pain inside of his heart. She knew how he felt about his mother. There was a part of him that loved her and a part of him that hated himself for it. She stayed with him all those years, even though she had been a monster, and he wanted to care about her. He wanted to be the one that cared because nobody deserved to be…

Nobody would mourn that woman.

Saeran would, if only because he was too kind for his good, though Lila could say that she didn’t miss the woman. She never met her, never wanted to, and never will. The idea of seeing a woman who hurt Saeran like that so willingly for so long… It was hard enough to look Rika in the eyes and control the part of her heart that was angry.

She shoved that thought to the back of her mind as she sped the forest. Her eyes glued to her phone as she ducked and dodged any of the guards in the way. She had to get to him before it was too late. She wanted to try to convince him to come with them, she wanted to get him to leave with Saeyoung and herself.

He could.

Lila was prepared to beg. She wasn't sure how much good that would do but she was at the point where she would do it if she thought it would work. He meant so much to her, so much that she couldn't even put it into words, and to think that he would be willing to do something like this for her…

She was willing to do the same thing for him.

She wouldn't have even blamed him if he left and never looked back. Saeran would never do that sort of thing. However, when they had been separated after they agreed to go through this together, it felt like it was a smack from the universe trying to tell them that it wasn't meant to be.

Everyone lied to them and kept trying to pull them apart. They had worked so hard to get to where they were. He had worked so hard to get to the point that he was at now. It was a cruel joke that it was being thrown all back in his face.

What was freedom when it was being taken away from him after he got to taste it? What did it mean when he never really even got to have it? It was all some kind of sick joke and it made her sick to her stomach. Part of her wished that she could just take away all of the pain for him.

Yet, he was trying to do the same thing for her. They had had this conversation many times during the day and it always ended up the same. He didn't want her to die and she didn't want him to die. They would not address the word directly but they both knew that whoever was left behind, was most likely going to be killed. It was a macabre truth, to say the least.

But, the most important thing on her mind was finding him to comfort him. He didn't deserve to be alone right now. He needed to have someone there to tell him that it was going to be okay. Even though it felt like it wasn't going to be okay.

The last thing that someone would want to do is be alone when they learned something so traumatizing. He had to be reliving all of those memories.

That was no way for anyone to live. He was strong and he was very capable of handling his emotions, but that didn't mean that he had to suffer that by himself. It may have been a diversionary tactic but a part of her just knew that he had done what he did because he just needed to be alone. It had to be suffocating.

He had been handling it very well thus far, she had seen the look in his eyes all day.

That daunted look in the back of his eyes that he could not hide no matter how much he tried to suppress it. He could rationalize it as much as he wanted and he could stand his ground, but it didn't take away from the institutionalized fear that had been instilled in him from everything that happened.

Where was he?

It felt like Lila had been running around in circles. He had placed his location precisely on the map and she was working backward to be able to find it. The location that he had given V and Rika was very vague. It would require them to look at their phones and run around like chickens with their heads cut off.

It wouldn't buy them a lot of time, but it would give the two of them a chance to be distracted long enough for everything to work out the way that it was supposed to. She knew that he was intending for this to be goodbye. She didn't want to believe that, but as she continued to make her way through the forest, the fact became more and more clear.

Lila wished that the night wasn't as beautiful as it was. There was hardly a cloud in the sky, and the moon was as full as it could be. All of the stars were viewable overhead in a way that seemed to be just the same as it was at the compound, Magenta. In many ways, it felt like the first night that she and Ray kissed.

That had also been a lovely night. There had been so-so much going on but their emotions had never been stronger. Her heart felt the same way it did that night, if not impossibly stronger. The way that they made her feel, the way that Saeran and Ray had made her feel… the way that her Saeran now made her feel…

Lila had never loved someone as strongly as she loved them. As strongly as she loved the man they had come together to create. Those two people she learned how to love, she had seen them come together although they did not plan on that happening so soon and so suddenly. Through them, she had suddenly found confidence that she never had before.

Through Saeran, she finally felt like she could look at herself in the mirror and like the person that she was looking at.

She had struggled so long and so hard with her perception of herself.

Yet, just as she had managed to reach his heart in ways that nobody else ever had, he had been able to see the hurt inside of her and he had taken a chance just as much as she had.

Lila isn't sure where she would be if she hadn't met him. She felt as though she would have been lost and hurting if she hadn't accepted the offer to play a game.

She had been running away from her problems for so very long, and with him, she realized that you had to confront your problems. Through the RFA, she was able to see what happens when you close yourself off to the rest of the world and you run away from your problems to deal with them on your own.

Saeran was facing all of his problems head first now. No matter how scared he was on the inside, he never let it show. He was running into the fire without hesitation or fear. He was so much braver than he thought he was. Seeing him being able to do all of this made her think that she might be capable of facing her problems in the future.

She just wished that they were doing this together in the end. They had walked in this together and she thought they were going to finish it together. The idea that he would be left out here by himself to the very end made her heart weep. They weren't dependent on each other but they needed each other in this life. She couldn't imagine a life without him within arm's reach and no matter what he tried to say, he knew very well that he thought the same.

Kindness was supposed to be the thing that kept them close together.

It was her love for him that connected them.

It was his love for her that united them.

Lila reached out to him when he needed someone the most to see him and he took a chance on someone who needed to have her voice heard. The communication that they had with each other was so powerful that even the others around them commented that it was unbelievable how well they worked together.

A night like tonight just felt so bittersweet. It was every bit as perfect as it could have been as far as it looked but it couldn’t have been any further from the truth. It wasn't perfect. It was possibly the worst night of her life… of his life, too. The closer she found herself getting to him, the more ache inside of her chest that she felt. She did not want to leave him.

He wasn't going to give her a choice at the end of the day.

Yet, again, she was ready to beg him to reconsider his choice. He didn’t have to die. It wasn’t fair for him to stay behind when he finally got a chance to be free with his brother. Her frantic breath escaped her lungs as she finally pushed past the thick brush to the clearing that Saeran had put on the map. She looked around until her eyes finally rested his back.

Saeran was standing there by the edge of the lake, his eyes gazing out over the water and looking at the moon as it reflected its light against him. The faintest sound of the cicadas hummed in the back as she stumbled forward towards him. Lila didn’t stop to catch her breath as her trembling hands grasped at him and she buried her face in the back of his shirt.

He lifted one of his hands and pressed it against hers, “We don’t have that much time, my love. I am happy to see you again.”

“...Are you okay? After all that V told you?” She asked. Her hands still holding him tightly. It was just like how they always slept together. She would hold him and press her lips to the back of his throat to ease his nightmares. Standing up, Lila was too short to manage that but she felt the need to hold him.

“You never stop caring for me, huh? You’re always sweet,” his smile was bright but he looked away from her and back out to the lake. “I think it’s good that I got to learn the truth. It’s just one less loose end for me.”

Loose end, huh?

Saeran was adamant about his choice.

The cry that she wanted to hold back tumbled from her lips. Saeran stiffened in her arms but he didn’t pull away as the sounds of her crying echoed through the clearing. Lila was always trying to be brave for him because it helped her feel like she was being brave for herself. He had given her a chance to feel confident in her own right.

Before she met him, Lila was always running away from her fears and silently suffering from the pain because her voice was so small and it felt so insignificant. She tolerated being the punching bag for years. She withstood her parents treating her like she couldn’t be truly good enough to be a member of her family.

But, when she met Ray… when she met Saeran…

Suddenly, she felt like she was strong. She felt like she had the power to stand up for others and herself. Seeing him learn how to defend herself made her want to stand up to everything that hurt her and be a better person. Her love for him was of support, admiration, and more. When he looked at her and saw something brave…

Lila was looking at Saeran the same way.

The tears that were flooding her eyes refused to disappear. Lila had tried to hide her sobs for so very long to ensure that Saeran didn’t break down in front of V and Rika but now that they were truly alone, she felt herself starting to break down. “Please, reconsider, Saeran. Can’t you think about this one last time?”

Imagining a life without the person that made her feel this way…

She didn’t want to do that.

Saeran gently wrenched her arms from around him so that he could turn to face her instead. He cupped her cheeks in his hands and brushed against her tears with his thumbs. The look on his face was bittersweet, pained, but he was trying to hold himself together. She knew that he was hiding his pain.

Lila knew that he was hurting. He just wouldn’t admit it. He wanted to be the hero and he wanted to be the brave one, but she didn’t want him to do it alone. She wanted to stay by his side until the very end… no matter what that meant for her life and what that meant for their future.

Their love was something timeless.

“I’m sorry, Lila. I am. But I won’t change my mind. It has been destined ever since I was born to him. I can’t escape my fate in this life, but I can decide who I am and I know who I want to be now. I have finally learned everything about myself, and as sad as it may sound, I’m happy. Look at me, Lila, right now, I’m not a victim of abuse begging for kindness. I’m Saeran Choi, the man that you chose to love.”

He paused, only to brush his lips against the top of her head. Saeran poured his heart into how he showed her his love and compassion. He always did. Even as she was trembling in his arms, he was trying to reassure her that things were going to be okay. Even if that was a lie that they both knew very well.

There was a weak chuckle at the back of his throat, “For some strange reason, I’m really happy right now. I feel free, too. This is my chance to sacrifice myself for my precious beloved… to be strong in ways that everyone has always been strong for me.”

Lila shook her head at that statement. It was obvious that she was struggling to find something to say amid their dwindling time together. Her hands grasped at his sleeves desperately. It hurt so much. He couldn’t truly want this for himself after getting his freedom. It wasn’t right to be forced into this.

A quiet plea of “No, no, no, no…” escaped her as she furiously shook her head. She didn’t want to let go of him. This wasn’t the way that she thought this was going to end. This wasn’t what it had been planned to be when they started hunting for Saeyoung. Everything was within his reach now and he was…

Saeran didn’t stop her from clutching so hard at him that he could feel the burn, “I always was the weak one, and everyone needed to protect me… but I’ve grown. I can be the one to save my brother now, to save the RFA, to save everyone… and I think it’s an honor that I can lay down my life for you. It proves how far I’ve come. I feel as though I can finally forgive myself for hurting you.”

“Please, tell me you’ll find a way to survive… please… you need to live, my prince! You need to live!” Lila lifted her head to look at him. Her brown eyes ringed with red and tears. She didn’t at all know what else to say. “You’ve fought so hard, this can’t be the end of everything! You need to— You can’t—”

His heart was breaking at the same time that hers was. Yet, in his tears, he was smiling at her just as he always did. He said that he didn’t want to give her memories that hurt. Yet, this was hurting them. It wasn’t just hurting her in this situation… It was hurting him. Lila didn’t want to fight with him.

She just wanted him to value his life as he valued hers and Saeyoung’s.

“...I’m sorry. But, I… I don’t think I can promise you, my love.” He grasped at one of her hands and took it in his own. He pressed it against his cheek. Saeran noted how small her hands felt in his own. She noticed how slender yet firm his grip was. It felt like they were trying to study the other person to memory.

All this time… taken for granted.

His bright eyes were glimmering with tears that matched her own, “Please don’t be sad. I will surely be happy once all my emotions, yearnings, and burdens are gone. You and Saeyoung will survive, and you will be happy. I promise you that. The only thing waiting for us is happiness in the end. Thank you, my love… my light. I know this plan will work. It has to.”

“Why does it have to be like this, Saeran? It’s not fair! You shouldn’t have to throw your life away for us! Why can’t you be happy with us?” her voice cracked despite how hard she was trying to keep it from blowing up in her face. “We’re supposed to be a family. Our family can’t be complete without you! My family can’t be complete without you!”

Saeran closed his eyes. She wasn’t sure if he had the strength to look at her anymore. She wanted him to look because that meant he would have to think twice about this. “You’ve given me more than I ever could’ve dreamed of, Lila. You gave me love, hope, passion, and courage. This power that you’ve given me… this love you’ve coveted. It’s precious to me, and I want to make amends for my mistakes and be the best man I can.”

Resolution of his choices.

Lila never yelled. She never screamed. She never raised her voice at someone in her life, but at that moment, her frustration and anger caused her to speak so loudly of her wishes and her one and only heart, “Then, stay with me, Saeran! Don’t die! Let’s protect our love together and— I don’t know, I don’t know! I just can’t lose you… I can’t… I can’t…”

Her world was crumbling. Their fairytale was rotting. Nothing was going to change it and she wanted to stay. She wanted to stay with him. Despite everything, she broke him in his arms at last and found herself unable to say anything. Her words became nonsensical as he held her so very tightly to his chest.

As Saeran held his life in his hands, the person who gave meaning to his life, it felt like the moon was shining brightly.

“Lila, once this night is over, you can forget about me. Please, forget about me and live on. Be happy. Go back to your life as if nothing happened. Eat, see your friends again, and sleep when you need to rest at night, just like everyone else can. I want you to carry on my deepest wish, an ordinary life.”

“An ordinary life, sometimes… gloomy and lonely, but also… delightful and exciting. A life worth living is what you deserve. I’ll always be waiting for you. Even when my life is over, I’ll be your guardian angel as you were mine all this time, and I’ll always remain by your side. You are the one and only… you’re the start of my love and the end of it. This is the reason why I was born.”

“The only thing that I can feel at this moment is you, and as I hold you… I… I won’t hate anyone for this. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I just want to be free. I’ll be grateful for as long as I have left. I’ll hold onto this feeling of love that you gave to me and never let go. It’s my reason for being. I love you, Lila.”

“Even when my life is no more, I won’t forget all the experiences that I’ve had with you. Short as it may seem, these days have been the happiest of my life. I will cherish them forever. As long as my energy exists in this universe… until the end of time. My love for you is limitless, and it exists beyond mere mortality.”

Saeran kissed her forehead. It spurned her cries to continue but she squeezed her arms around him in response. That was what they did. When he gave her love, she would squeeze his hand to tell him that she wanted more. When she leaned over and kissed his cheek, he would always pull her hand back towards him with a small nudge.  

In many ways, their shared love language was touch.

It always would be.

Their time was running out. She needed to get back to Saeyoung and Vanderwood as soon as possible so that he could distract Rika and V for as long as possible. He looked down towards the ground where his phone lay abandoned. 

The screen lit up in the dirt to let him know that things were about to begin and that the final day had begun. So, he kissed her... he kissed her lips over and over again to remember the feeling of her against his skin. Neither of them stopped to catch their breath. They just wanted to hold onto the other and never let go. But, reality didn't work that way, and their true hearts were torn.

“It’s midnight,” his voice was soft. Though his cries were now prominent between the two of them. It was over now. He had to be brave for his love. “It’s time, my love. I’m afraid this is the end. I love you, I love you, I love you… I love you so much. You’re the greatest gift that I could’ve ever asked for. You’re the only present I could ever want.”

Though her voice was muffled, he knew exactly what she said to him. “Happy birthday, Saeran.”

With any luck, she was going to come back for him, regardless of what he said.

#saeran ae #saeran after ending #mm #mysme #mysticmessenger #mystic messenger #saeran mm #mm saeran #mysme saeran #mystic messenger saeran #saeran mystic messenger #saeran mysme #saeran #saeray #saeran choi #choi saeran #mystic messenger cmc #mysme cmc #cmc #lila lancelot oc #saeran x lila #birthday fic #mod kait

[b-rainlet]

I promised to answer this in a seperate post so here it goes!

(Sorry this took forever but...I think the length explains why ajsnsns)

For @honestmrdual who asked for Alice +/vs/or Jervis!

Slight warning??? For the discussion of kidnapping since I mention Alice and Jervis within my Rotten AU

Also Murder. And Suicide.

Also Incest. Duh.

Jervis vs. Alice

That's...a hard one but also super simple? Like, I don't think either of them would want to fight the other, you know?

Of course Jervis doesn't wanna hurt his love but Alice also would rather avoid a confrontation with her brother.

But since as long as one of them is alive, they're gonna play an eternal game of cat and mouse, it would've come down to a fight eventually.

And even though in canon Alice dies, I think she would win.

Because canon seems more like an accident than a strategic suicide (even though Gordon words it like it's one).

But if it came down to a one on one fight?

I mean, Alice is shown to be willing to shoot Jervis whereas Jervis never truly threatens her.

Like yeah, she's tied up but he doesn't threaten her with a gun (like he does at the Lee/Valerie/Jim tea party for example) and when they meet on the roof he's mostly super happy to see her, he doesn't even think about defending himself??

He just stands there, arms up and obviously wanting to touch/hug Alice.

(Which…I think about often ansnsnsn)

So if they didn't need Jervis around for longer, Alice would've definitely killed him.

Shot him. Stabbed him. Lit him on fire. Whatever she could think of at that moment.

And Jervis probably would be super surprised because?? Alice??? His dear sister?? Why would you hurt him like this if he only wants to keep you safe???

Also I have made a post before about how he never once tries to hypnotize her - possibly because she's immune but that's never outright stated so maybe he also just...wouldn't do that to her. And I lose my mind every time I think about that for more than two seconds).

Also also, if I am already rambling - when am I not - the way it would've given Alice way more agency if she would've chosen to die the way Jim seems to imply she did.

Since he goes 'She would've rather been dead than spend any more time with you' or something like that and you could argue that yeah, she does pull away from Jervis but I think that was more 'I need to get away' and less 'I'm actively choosing to get impaled now'.

Just imagine!!

Jervis once again pressing Alice to his chest, watching Jim and Harvey fight tweedle dee and tweedle dum, when suddenly Alice pushes away, frees herself and stumbles into the room.

And everyone freezes for a moment because she's yelling at them to stop and Jim's telling her to go hide somewhere while Jervis is trying to reach for her without getting shot but she's having none of it.

She's sick of running, sick of hiding, she doesn't wanna live the rest of her life like this, always looking over her shoulder, always ready to vanish again, never truly able to build herself a life, to make any friends, to do more than survive.

Mostly, she wants to be able to wash all the blood from her hands, wants to stop being responsible for people getting hurt, the ones close to her and the ones unfortunate enough to be in her brother's way.

It's her fault Jervis is in Gotham, it's her fault Jim nearly died, it's her fault Jervis manipulated and maimed and murdered his way to her.

Not to mention she's a killer too! It's in her blood just as much as it is in Jervis' and she's tired of it, of all of it.

And it seems for a second she's gonna go to Jervis willingly and stay with him (which is an option she knows, but it wouldn't stop the running and the hiding, wouldn't stop the detectives from coming after them) but no.

Instead she picks up Jervis' gun (that I think he discarded in that scene? If not, he did now ajsjsjs) and she shoots herself.

And everyone would yell at her not to do it, voices shouting and people running toward her before there's this loud bang and then there's silence.

For a very long time.

Anyway, since Alice made it very clear she chose to die, it would be harder for Jervis to delude himself into thinking Jim somehow forced her or tore her away from him (although he would probably still manage, it's Jervis after all) so maybe, they'd actually get to arrest him (because I can see him just...falling to his knees and not moving after Alice is dead. Maybe cradling her in his arms. There's no real reason to go on now after all).

But even if he gets dragged away like in canon, this minor change would've made Alice' death a lot more driven in my opinion.

(And if we still need her impaled then imagine her speech and then she lets herself fall backwards with her eyes closed and her arms outstretched and she still ends up on the pole).

(Plus, because I like multiple endings, two possibilities I would also consider very sexy but wouldn't make sense in canon since they need Jervis around:

Jervis kills himself after seeing Alice die - much like Victor Fries tried to do, because what kind of life is this if the one person worth living for is dead?

 Alice pretends she's willingly going with Jervis but she used the time she had while she was monologuing to acquire a weapon (maybe one of the needles Jervis used to draw her blood) and once she's close enough she goes for a hug and ends up stabbing him in the neck multiple times until he's falling down in front of her, slowly bleeding out, murmuring her name with his eyes open in shock.

Just....some musings you know akjssksm).

Jervis + Alice

Do I even need to answer this? xD

They're on my top ship list, they're right up there next to Jecco and Jerelina, but they also have scenes within canon that make my mind go !!! like Jerome/Lee and Jervis/Ecco do.

They're just....good. Very good.

I have...a lot of thoughts and AUs for them but I think I shared them all already because I can't stop blabbering about them lmao.

Although I gotta say I've been thinking about them within my Jeremiah/Ecco/Jerome AU (aka the Rotten Fic)

Specifically about Jervis being Alice' legal guardian since she was about 10 or even younger (since their parents died very early in her life) and Alice isn't exactly being held captive but everytime she tried to run away while she was growing up, the police simply brought her back to her brother.

Because she was a minor and he was her 'loving and worried' big brother - who also could be very persuasive and knew how to manipulate people in his favour - and soon she was known as a 'notorious runaway' and the people she tried to plead for help only smiled at her in that condescending way people do when they pity you.

'Ah there she is, the little Tetch Girl, poor thing, lost her parents so soon. Now she's a troubled kid, running away, telling lies. She can be thankful her brother is so patient and loving with her.'

And surely all the tales she likes to spin about her brother crawling into bed with her or giving her 'special baths' are simply a sign for her overactive imagination, a hurt child making up all sorts of morbid things to get some attention.

And now she's around 20 and she knows she's old enough, an adult now, they would have to at least listen now.

Or she could simply try and get away, out of town, the police can't escort her back to her house anymore, they can't stop her at the train station and tell her she's a bad girl for worrying her brother like that.

But she also knows Jervis would never let her, he would come after her and he would kill everyone she would dare to care about besides him.

He would find her no matter where she hides.

It's safer when she stays, for her and for all the people out there she will never get to meet.

I simply like the idea of Alice basically being in a kidnapping situation but no one realizes. She's the sweet girl living with her brother, she belongs at home with her brother, what is she talking about being 'at her brother's mercy'.

And it's gotten to a point where he put her out of school with the promises of 'homeschooling' to 'help her anxiety' and oh, isn't he such a sweet and caring brother?

Taking it upon himself to teach her at home, what a big sacrifice it must be for him to completely focus on his little sister like that, to make sure she doesn't get left behind!

(And of course, since Jervis can be...persuasive, no one questions whether he actually has a teaching degree or anything of the like, no, Alice is shoved into his arms with smiles and waves).

And as Alice grew up, got to a point where her words couldn't be brushed aside as child's talk anymore, she learned to play her part. Made some…mistakes, said the wrong thing to the wrong person and had to live with the consequences.

(Consequences the other person can't live with anymore).

So if some newer neighbours notice that Alice is never seen outside? Well, she's a shy girl, no need to be worried!

Her brother is such a gentleman and he does make it a point to introduce the both of them to everyone who moves into their street, did the same when they first moved to Gotham, going from door to door with little Alice on his hand to prevent any rumours from spreading to make a good first impression!

And even if someone does worry, they only need to wait until Jervis is gone for the day to ring the doorbell. Alice will open and invite them inside, will play nice and portray the little sister Jervis told her to be.

The neighbour will come back home thinking 'Oh well, the girl is a shut-in, nothing too out of the ordinary. It's a dangerous city after all' and Alice will remain in her room and fight back the panic inside her, knowing that if she didn't do her job right and they get suspicious....accidents happen all the time.

Of course this routine is gonna get disturbed once Ecco enters the scene but let's not get ahead of ourselves👀👀👀

(Anyways the inherent horror of being kidnapped and used by strangers - aka Ecco and the twins - vs. Being permanently kept in a glass cage that no one else can see except you and no one can ever hear you scream for help - aka Alice and Jervis)

Jervis or Alice

Okay that's a hard one! Like, harder than choosing between Ecco and Jervis because Jervis and Alice are kinda on the same level here.

I love Jervis. You know if you've seen even just a fraction of my blog lmao.

But Alice.....so much potential. Such a good fucking storyline.

(Jervis and Alice as two sides of the same coin? I'd even say they have a big 'star-crossed lovers, one can't truly exist without the other' vibe. I mean, you could even compare them to 'B*tjokes in a way - only the who hunts who down is flipped).

Also Alice is very pretty and I have an obvious preference for girls in pretty much any piece of media I consume.

But then you have Jervis, who isn't only involved in the Alice storyline but is also part of the J Squad.....you have the legendary Jerome/Jonathan/Jervis team up and all three of them being horribly into each other....Jonathan and Jervis basically being an old married couple....the way Jervis looks at Jerome which still has me losing my mind....also you have the Ace Chemicals Episode which single-handedly saved the 5th season......the superb Ecco/Jervis interaction......fuck, this is hard.

I love Alice and I need to talk about her more often but I think Jervis wins simply by having more interactions with other characters (and oh to have Alice around for longer.....have her face off against Jervis on the regular.....Bruce deserves a little ragtag team of protoheroes in my opinion so why not add Alice...).

...But I am getting off track :D

#Tetchcest #Rotten Fic #long post #not happy with this but oh well #I absolutely hate making posts on tumblr that are longer than like one paragraph #a nightmare to write and post #anyway I hope this is okay even tho I made it way too deep #@the Jerome anon yours is probably gonna end up even longer akjdjsjdbs

[evien-stark]

✧I Need You✧  Chapter 229

Tony had stared death in the face many times. Usually willingly so. ...mostly willingly so, these past few years. The feeling that came with it should have been intimately familiar and not as terrifying- this time it was different. Maybe because all those times he’d put his life on the line, it was by choice. 

This was not his choice. And maybe it was terrifying now because this time it came in the form of Steve Rogers bearing down on him. One of the last things he’d ever really expected out of this wild life he’d been cultivating lately. 

But really the worst part was being aware that she was less than twenty feet away- and she was going to see it- she was going to see Cap ram that shield straight down through his neck- 

Was that really how it was going to end?

Is that where it had all been leading? Were they both so far gone that he was going to be murdered by someone that he respected- someone that he cared for- someone that used to be his friend- 

Maybe it was his own fault. The past few minutes he hadn’t had enough brain power to know whether or not he would have killed Barnes, either. All he’d known was-... well it wasn’t really knowing anything. It had been running on pure adrenaline. Pure anger. Raw pain. Would he have killed Barnes? It wasn’t really a question he could have answered anymore. Because now-

Tony realized within a few thin seconds that he thought Steve would really do it- because instinct drove his arms up in a futile attempt to stop the inevitable. His normally noisy brain, always in overdrive thinking a million little things, went deadly silent in its mad scramble to try and comprehend any of this. There were only two thoughts then. 

I don’t want to die.

And, maybe more importantly-

I don’t want her to see me die like this. 

He’d bore the crown for king of unintended consequences perhaps all his life. This was one in another long line. Could all of this have been avoided? Perhaps. Maybe. But… he was so used to taking the blame for everything- would he do it, even now? Maybe he shouldn’t have lashed out. But pain, and grief, and betrayal were strong killing tools that fogged an otherwise stable mind. 

In the end it didn’t matter. There wasn’t enough time, as Steve raised his shield, hefted back, and started that downward swing. There just simply wasn’t enough time to think anything about anything. Just that… Tony didn’t want to die. He didn’t want to die here. And he didn’t want to die like this. And above all else…

He didn’t want to leave her behind, didn’t want her to be alone to deal with everything this would bring. The world- the universe was not safe yet and- ...he didn’t want to die- for many reasons- but sitting on top of them all was that… simply… 

He loved her. 

What more reason was there to want to stay alive? 

Tony didn’t want to die- He didn’t want to die- He didn’t want Steve to kill him- 

His racing thoughts came to an immediate halt, as always- for her. 

“Stop!!” 

In the very next instant the entire room was flooded in a bright light. One he knew very well. Hers. And in that moment… he knew he was safe. He knew he was not going to die. -because of her. 

But as Steve stiffened and completely locked up, Tony eased his arms back a fraction to try and see past that bright glow, and where the idea of safety had eased his panicked mind, looking at her then made him sweat with fresh anxiety. 

She was lit up like a firework- eyes enveloped in a sunset shine, skin glimmering. His helmet was broken and gone now, but he imagined FRIDAY’s warnings were going off a million miles a minute. All protocols set in place for when she went too far- when she was just on the edge of exploding- 

This was further than that. He’d never seen her like this. Her arms moved, outstretched for a second and then she brought them inward, cupping over her chest in… in a sight a little too familiar. Almost like she was making a heart shape- ...one she’d made at him dozens, if not hundreds of times by now. An intimate, adorable gesture that normally had him melting in place but now… 

Now in between her palms another burst of light seemed to take shape. She was foreign to him now. He’d never seen her like this, never heard her like this and never felt her like this. In all the ways they’d blended together, the ways he knew her best- ...this was different. Her power weighted the room in a heavy blanket- and then seemed to consume Rogers whole. 

He not only stopped but seemed… lifeless. Just for a few seconds and then- 

“Step back.” She commanded and Cap obeyed. Stiffly. Strangely. 

But Tony was at least a little glad when Steve got to his feet and that heft lifted off of him. He wasn’t sure what to do. Or what he should do- if anything. If he even could. 

She moved then, and it wasn’t really walking. It was like a calm sort of glide. Like she owned the universe and everyone in it- and she knew it. More powerful than he’d ever seen her, maybe more powerful than she even knew she was. It was… frightening. Even when she’d saved him, potentially from near death… in doing so, what was happening to her?

Using herself like a wall, she stopped between the two of them, and Tony didn’t much like the sight of her back, not able to see her face. Not able to see her. Watching uselessly, staring up at the two of them as his palms braced the ground beneath him as he tried to help himself up. 

“I don’t ever wanna see you again.” Her voice was a little more hers then. Not as booming, not as commanding. Just… her. Her desire after this fiasco. “I don’t want you near my family ever again.” But there at the tail end of laying down the law, her voice rumbled in that strange, powerful way again. Then he saw her lift her hand, and while she was otherwise blocking his view, he knew exactly what she was doing. 

Especially as she continued, and the outline of a glow burst around her again, “You keep that. Hold on to it. And think about it. Every day.” Tony didn’t need to see what she was doing, and while he couldn’t comprehend it- like most things about her that drove him mad- he felt it then. An inky ooze that flooded the room. Something terrible. It suffocated him for a second and he found it hard to catch his breath. His mind spun in a dizzying ache. 

She was giving something back to Cap. Something she thought he’d earned. Something she thought he’d deserved. And while there were no words that could capture what it was… 

Tony knew. As that feeling bottomed out, it was something he realized he knew maybe even a little too well. And he wasn’t quite sure what to do with the knowledge that all of this- all of it- what had brought them here, what had started and nearly fatally ended all of it- 

...was guilt. A guilt so crushing it threatened to kill. 

Yeah. 

Tony knew that feeling. 

The power around her died in the next few seconds, and Tony found himself exhaling. Maybe even foolishly. Because the next thing Steve did was reach his hand up in a lightning whip of a strike, and her fear consumed him so deeply- a noise he’d never heard from her escaped into the open air. It all happened so quickly. He couldn’t even get up in time. 

He wanted to- Something was happening that was devastating her and he couldn’t even do anything to stop it. To help her. To protect her- and it didn’t matter. He understood in the next moment- as her suit peeled off her skin in some sort of cascade failure, and as Steve’s arm jerked down, he saw the dying light of the Heart Reactor crushed into darkness. 

It made sense- His brain told him it made sense- especially as he pushed her over- Tony weakly reaching up to put his hands at her shoulders to keep her from tumbling further as she landed just beside him- and then Steve just turned in the next instant and began walking away. Picked up his pal Barnes- what all the trouble in the world was worth to Steve- and kept going.

It made sense that he’d do that. Tony’s suit was junked. There was no way he’d make it out of here. And Steve couldn’t risk that she’d go after them too- so it made sense that he’d destroy her suit as a last effort to keep them from following but- 

The quiver of her pain lit a fire in his heart. It didn’t matter whose fault any of this was anymore- and he had a pretty good idea whose it was. 

Barnes had murdered his parents. Rogers had known about it. And now he’d hurt her- 

“That shield doesn’t belong to you!” Tony spat the words as quickly as they would come. “You don’t deserve it!” If that shield was any symbol, any modicum of the picture of truth or justice or fairness- Steve Rogers no longer deserved to be the bearer of it. For many reasons. So many reasons, but- most poignantly perhaps, “-my father made that shield!” 

Howard Stark. Who for all of his life had pushed Tony into Steve Rogers’ shadow- who never shut up about Captain America- who never let Tony live any of it down-

Howard Stark’s greatest creation- and yet that gift to earth had betrayed him so deeply. 

...what would dear ol’ dad think about that? 

The sight of Barnes beating down his father flashed vividly in his mind and he was punished for his quick internal sass, gritting his teeth, and shutting his eyes tight as a sizzle of pain infected his heart- 

He had hoped it would be gone in the next instant, at the sight of Rogers dropping the shield to the ground- but it didn’t fade. Tony wanted to tell himself that he would be okay- that he would get through this- like he did everything else, but those were not the thoughts that came. Instead something terrible preyed upon him. Pushed on him. Weighed on him. 

When he’d started panting he had no idea, his heart was squeezing painfully- he thought he might be having a heart attack- 

But it was her. 

She was wheezing- gasping for air, strange, weak, wet noises escaping her on every other draw of breath. It was clear what was happening, and he knew then he had absolutely no way of stopping it. Perhaps that was the scariest part. He wasn’t sure if he had enough in him to stop this- ...not even stop it, at this point she was too far gone to even have a hope of stopping- but even to help her- 

“Honey-” His voice caught in his throat as he found it harder and harder to breathe. But it wasn’t her own hurt infecting him then, he knew. Because the next second she was wailing. Something deep and guttural. Her hands were pressing at her chest, her head tucked down in shame as tears poured down the sides of her face. Shivering. Pained. 

She couldn’t control herself, another tinge of light sparking around her. She was losing it- and that played a large part in his own inability to help where she was accidentally crushing him but- ...seeing her like this… 

Seeing her fall apart- because of Rogers- 

They were trapped in Siberia. His suit was damaged beyond repair. Her suit was gone. He was hurt pretty bad, she was hurt worse and getting worse by the second- 

They might die out there. 

The reality of that scared him. If he couldn’t help her get it together, if he couldn’t think of something- maybe his suit was just not broken enough to get an SOS out to Happy or- anyone nearby- maybe her ear cuffs had enough power in them still to do the same but- 

If not- what then? 

Had Steve really just sentenced them to die out there in the freezing wilderness? 

Tony was babbling something at her- honestly, he couldn’t even hear himself over her. The painful noises leaking out of her, and her pain- god- such an awful, heavy, stabbing pain piercing through every pore in his body- he just kept trying. He didn’t know what he was saying, but he tried. Eventually it wasn’t words. He couldn’t get them out.

His arms came around her, he pressed his forehead to hers, and he just… he held her. The two of them shivering against each other. And after what felt like an eternity she… she just… stopped. So suddenly it frightened him. Her crying, her aching, it just stopped. And in its place was an eerie emptiness- ...that and a glow. On and off. Shuddering around her. Like she was… signaling something. Or maybe it was a countdown to her actual explosion.

“Honey?” He put a hand to her face, pushed some hair behind her ear and looked into her eyes but there was… there was nothing there. “Honey- hey-” 

She looked so fragile then. So small. Beaten, bloodied, bruised- And so terribly empty. She wasn’t even shivering anymore. She wasn’t anything.

That was the most terrifying thing of all. That she’d gone somewhere so deep he had no way of reaching her. And that warning flash emanating from her wasn’t slowing- His mouth opened, a desperate clutch of noise- no idea what to even say, no idea what would save her but- 

“Stark.” 

It really wasn’t the best time or place to be caught at their lowest point. And he was pretty surprised to see Prince- ...rather, King T’Challa standing there, in that Black Panther suit of his, minus the helmet. What he was doing there…? Best guess, probably trying to finish up. Like the rest of them. Must have gotten their infodump faster than Tony had realized.

Probably a good thing he hadn’t gotten involved in the family fighting. 

“Can the two of you move?” It didn’t take a genius to see the medical condition the two of them were in was probably not great. And there was a modicum of shame to be had here, looking like they were- fighting like they had been- or rather, who they had been fighting with. It also didn’t go without notice that T’Challa seemed completely unfazed by her on-and-off light show.

But there was no time to think about that now. “I’m fine.” Broken ribs and internal bleeding aside. “Take her. She’s- ...worse.” He could worry about himself and his pride later. If T’Challa was here that meant he had a means of getting out of there, too. And Tony would take what help he could get right now. If only for her. 

T’Challa neared, lowered a little, and offered his hand to her and she just… sat there. Thousand yard stare. Nobody was home. No one was in there. And when he realized she wasn’t going to do much of anything, T’Challa instead took her arm around his shoulder and tried to get her to her feet. 

Thank god she stood- otherwise they’d have to carry her out. 

It left Tony on his own to get up, but as long as she made it out that was fine. He was tired, and losing more by the second. It was why he made it quick, pushing himself painfully to his feet, staggering behind the two of them.  They went ahead of him and as he lagged behind him he came to a stop near the shield. Staring him in the face. For a moment he contemplated simply leaving it out there. Who cared, anymore? But- ...but… instead he lowered, and clutched it in a tight grip as he lifted it from the snow and continued his dazed trek.

Had it all been worth the outcome? 

Probably not. 

Outside he felt worse- some parts due to his quickly failing body, though mostly just watching her shuffle out like a zombie. Thankfully, as predicted, there was a small jet waiting in the snow. The Quinjet was nowhere to be found. Obviously. Rogers and Barnes had gone wherever they’d gone. And Tony hoped he wouldn’t have to see either of them for a very long time. 

But when Tony realized T’Challa already seemed to have a passenger inside that small cockpit, he bit back a pained grin. “Four’s a crowd, huh?” He wasn’t going to fit. 

T’Challa had taken possession of Zemo. It made sense, and honestly, Tony was glad the man hadn’t gotten away. After all the trouble he’d caused- the last hour notwithstanding. T’Challa deserved first crack at him. 

Turning, the two of them looked at each other solemnly before T’Challa offered, “I have called for backup. They should be here within the hour.” But as T’Challa said this, he seemed concerned. He was also doing spatial math. And it wasn’t added up in a way he liked.

“Take her. Please.” It was hard to say this. To let this happen. But if T’Challa was about to ask him who went first, the answer was obvious. He didn’t know T’Challa all that well. He seemed like a decent guy. Honor-driven. And… from what he understood, she and him got along well. She seemed to trust him. So Tony would have to take that for all it was worth. And… let him take her. She needed to get out of there. Now. “You take mine and I’ll take yours- until your backup gets here.”

Really. Really what Tony was begging for here was for T’Challa to trust him.

He could wait. And he would force himself to stay conscious and on top of Zemo. As long as she was safe. 

“And where would you like me to take her?” The question seemed like some sort of cryptic test. 

There were a lot of ways Tony wanted to answer this. Anywhere but here being on top of the list. Somewhere safe a close second. Or, maybe, wherever you’re going. But… he was somber as he made another plea, “Somewhere she can get help.” And in asking this, he was really saying- I trust you. 

He would have to. He had very little options left. She’d gone completely catatonic. And right now, much as it hurt to admit it to himself, he wasn’t sure he was in the best state to be of service to her.

T’Challa considered this for a single solitary second, slow as it seemed. But finally he delivered his judgment. “I will. I owe her that debt.” 

This puzzled Tony, and maybe he shouldn’t have asked, but, “For what?” 

“Her kindness.” 

They didn’t know each other at all but in that one moment, as both men looked at each other, they understood one another. She was the greatest woman in the world- in the universe. She was loving, she gave all of herself to everything worth her time, she did everything for everyone, she was brave, and valiant, caring- and- yes- kind. Of this, Tony was wholly, completely sure. More sure of that than anything else in his life. 

She deserved to be repaid for all of that. For her service to everyone. 

It was good that other people were finally catching on. 

                                                             --- 

There was a light in your eyes. An extremely bright one. And a noise- 

Every part of you tried to resist. Resist what was happening. You hadn’t been cold in some time. You hadn’t really been anything. And that was nice. ...but you’d been alone. 

Really alone. Alone and… somewhere else. Somewhere far away. Sights you couldn’t quite put into words- or memories, for that matter. Just… all feeling. And not a lot of it was good. But… it was better than anything else. 

The screaming had stopped, hadn’t it? The crying had stopped. Everything had stopped. You had stopped. And you had no desire to start up again. Floating… somewhere. Alone but… somewhere quiet. And… just alone. Alone was fine. It was fine if it meant… if it meant nothing. 

And it all had meant nothing right? At least alone nothing could- 

“Where am I?” Your voice was groggy and unwilling as it left your throat. Finally you focused. On that light and- the young girl who stepped out from behind it. With long dark hair in braids. Wearing a lab coat. And- “What’s going on?” 

Your entire body sagged under its own weight. Stress wracked your brain. Panic was not too far behind. 

“Ah. Good. Welcome back.” Her words were accented. It was hard to place- ...wait. No. You knew an accent like that. She lifted a tablet and started writing. “Physically I have done all I can. She will be fine. So… please take her home now.” 

This wasn’t Siberia. This wasn’t anything recognizable. But maybe that was better. Because thinking of that bitter cold made you shiver and flinch under the heavy weight of those memories- you didn’t want to think about it. You’d been fine but now- 

“Honey-” It was easy to zero in on Tony’s voice. On his presence. Something you’d been unaware of until just that exact second. Weakly, wearily you lifted your head to try and locate him. Somewhere in that room- but- 

Someone else said your name. Someone else you remembered. And instead of searching desperately for Tony you saw T’Challa step closer. “How are you feeling?” 

“I don’t know- I’m-” The words started to come out in a rush. Heat drenched you. Your heart was hammering. Why? 

T’Challa looked… displeased. He was close. A little too close for comfort. Maybe it was just you. “Just take a moment.” He wanted you to slow down but- 

His hand lifted- He was close and he was reaching for you- He was so close- too close- 

Your body jerked off the table, into a smaller one, objects scattering onto the floor- legs uneasy and unstable, barely able to keep yourself up, especially as you went into overdrive, clutching at your chest. Steve’s anger- the look in his eyes- 

“Don’t-” God- please- don’t- “Don’t touch me-” You’d backed yourself up into the nearest wall. All three people in the room looked at each other nervously. “Don’t touch me- just, please-” You couldn’t stop saying it. Why? What was wrong with you? Steve wasn’t here. He wasn’t here. Wherever here was- Steve was not here. You just kept saying it over and over and over again until it made sense. But it didn’t. He wasn’t here- he was gone- he’d left and- 

He was staring at you. Bearing down on you. Putting pressure on you. Cracking your ribcage open and just yanking- -god… hadn’t you already suffered through this enough?

You wanted to go. Be anywhere but here. Wherever here was. You just wanted- you just needed- 

“I cannot fix that, I’m afraid.” “Shuri-” 

“Honey- hey… just look at me. Focus here… focus on me...” Tony had gotten close. You recognized him before you actually saw him. He was right there. And his hand was warm as he reached up. Testing you- but it wasn’t much of a test. You made contact. Desperate contact, seeking him out. Crumbling into him. Because he was safe. 

There was really only one thing to say, wasn’t there? 

So you said it. Again and again and again and again… 

I’m sorry. 

                                                            ---

Wakanda was a secret nation with a king that had had the good grace to try and help you. With technology that was far beyond you. They never let anyone into their borders yet T’Challa had wanted to help you and you couldn’t even remember leaving- 

Let alone saying thank you. 

You probably hadn’t. Because all you’d wanted to do was go home. Somewhere safe. Somewhere you could stop existing. And when Tony took you back to that fucking awful tower with awful memories- that’s what you did. Even though you didn’t want to be there, that was your home and you had nowhere else to go. 

The Avengers Tower. Maybe you should have gone to the Avengers Compound. 

It didn’t matter. He’d put you down for bed and- ...and… 

Every so often he’d check on you. Ask you if you needed anything. If you wanted anything. What he could do. 

You were being selfish. God- he’d just learned his parents had been murdered- the Avengers were dead- people were in jail that you’d promised to help- the UN was probably calling nonstop- Rhodey was paralyzed and- 

And… 

Every day he came and asked what you needed. What you wanted. What he could do. 

And… 

You couldn’t get up. You just… you just couldn’t… You were tired. You were exhausted. Some weird mix of empty and too full of all the terrible things at the same time. The world was waiting for you to get the fuck up- and… 

You just… 

“Please eat something. ...please…” 

So for Tony you would. Because he was suffering and it was your fault and you didn’t want this, didn’t want to put him through this- but nothing seemed to work. You drifted like that in a daze. Heavy and sad- more than sad- so much more than just that word and- 

“Rhodey is coming back to the Compound. He’s gonna rest up and… I’m gonna help him through his physical therapy. I made-” Tony was talking to you and you weren’t really listening. He’d been talking for a long time, too. Selfish selfish selfish… “-Happy will be here- if you need anything you can call me- and if you want to come…” 

“Is Rhodey okay?” It was maybe the first thing you’d said in a long time- it was hard to tell how much time had passed, exactly. You had no way of knowing. But it must have been a very long time because it stopped Tony dead. Shocked him even, just a little. 

...he’d probably come into the bedroom to talk to you every day- now that you thought about it and you’d just… ignored him. Every day for who knew how long until just now. 

Had it gotten that bad? Why? Why was this the thing that had ruined you… 

“He’ll be okay. He needs to do a lot of work but. He’s tough. You know him. He doesn’t give up on anything.” Carefully he reached out, putting a hand atop your leg over the covers. As your head lolled to the side, weak under your own strain and weight, the two of you looked at each other through the dimness. 

You realized then, really realized, you hadn’t seen him in a while. He’d been there the whole time but you hadn’t heard him. Hadn’t seen him. Hadn’t… hadn’t anything. 

He was so pained. So devastated. Haunted and just… just sad for you. With what little strength you had left, finally you sat up, leaning back against the headboard. Your body protested it greatly. You felt disgusting. ...you were disgusting. And- 

Reaching up, you pressed your hands to your eyes. Taking stock of everything. Finally coming to. “Does T’Challa think I’m an asshole?” Tears started escaping your eyes, you weren’t really sure why. Weakly you forced a sniffling laugh out. As if that question really mattered right now. 

Tony moved to sit next to you, putting an arm around you. The sound of his own nervous laughter eased you. Just a little. “No. Well- I didn’t ask but. That’s not the impression I got. You’re good at making friends in high places. I think he was mostly just worried.” 

“I don’t think I said thank you.” For whatever it was he’d done. There had to be a reason you’d ended up there. 

“You didn’t. But it’s alright. I did enough thanking for the both of us. It’s not like he’s waiting on a card or fruit basket or anything.” 

“Are you sure?” This came out watery, worse than the rest of it and you hid your face in the side of his neck. Crying. Still. Or maybe again. Who even knew anymore. 

His hand was gentle in its slow sweep up the length of your spine. “Yes, honey. I mean, he does want to talk to you but he’s fine waiting.” Slowly he guided you just a little bit back so that he could hold your face in his palms. Carefully. Sweetly. “Everything’s gonna be okay.” 

He said this. And he meant it. In the way that he always did. And it… it broke your heart. That he was trying so hard. That he was looking after you after- ...after all that terribleness. 

Your hands reached up to hide your face again as you started bawling. Where you’d been content to drift in emptiness, to not face this… it was there now. The dam had broken. Ugly and awful. 

He pulled you to him again and you clutched to him like a child, crying on his shoulder. Asking him something you had no right to- “Are you sure?” Asking him to comfort you. Still. Again. Always. 

Even when he was hurting too. 

Tony held you tight. Tight. In a way that grounded you. Made you feel secure. Safe. His head laid atop yours. And that close, his voice rumbled against you, low and warm as he promised you, “Yes. Everything will be okay.” 

“I’m sorry I’m like this- I’m sorry-” Apologizing. Because… he probably needed help too. Needed comforting. And yet there you were-

He held you just a little tighter then. “It’s alright. It’s okay.” “I’m sorry about your parents...” Tony fell quiet before answering this, but eventually he did. “I know. Me, too.” The two of you soaked in each other’s somberness. Just… there together. “I’m sorry. You need help too- need me- and I’m not doing anything- I’m sorry-” It was more hyperventilated blubbering noises now than anything. But he understood. “I know you are. I believe you. It’s not your fault. It’s okay. We’ll be okay. We’ll get through this.” These could have all just been platitudes but you believed every single one of them with all your heart. Only because they were coming from him.

Where there wasn’t enough space for breath or words to get out, you made sure to let him know- I love you.

And he paused, breathed out slowly, and then, “I love you, too. More than anything.”

He’d must have done this a million times- because you were broken- yet you kept finding new ways to get hurt and he always cleaned up the mess. He must have promised you a million times that everything would be okay. 

...and even when it wasn’t, it was eventually, right? 

So you believed him. Because you wanted to. And because he wanted you to believe him, too. 

But even that was overwhelming. Which was why it was nice that he just sat there with you. And let you get it all out. It. All the awfulness. Everything you didn’t want to face. ...at least with him there… it wasn’t as bad. 

#Tony Stark #Tony Stark x Reader #INY Spoilers #Civil War spoilers #we're all having a bad time over here

[tragedy-for-sale]

Monster; I am

It's like my hiatus is a desert and this is your oasis. A beautiful lake filled with the water of your tears.

─── ❖ ── ✦ ── ❖ ───

Dead. Dead. Dead. Drag and drag in her head did that word. On a never ending loop. But it should be not be on loop. Everything ends at death, Ahsoka knew this all too well. The way the pain always ends at death. But only for the dead, pain always begins at death for those left behind.

Ahsoka Tano was a monster. That she had decided. She was no longer a Jedi and never a sith. Nothing but an abandoned ship fading in the waves. The ocean was calm, but it hadn't been. As she'd fallen from the sky she could sense it all. This young, former Jedi remembered it all upon walking down those halls. Hearing the silent pain of every painfully stoic man. As she fell from the sky she remembered this pain. She remembered an old friend especially, he was the loudest in her mind. This friend hated her. He'd wanted to kill her. Ahsoka sensed it, just seconds before the silence, all that noise, the wails in the force, all of it, had silenced in less than a second.

But before that, she remembered hatred, but just in between the two, Niether hate and never peace, was fear. Not a fear Ahsoka was familiar with in the terms of a clone, but a fear of a child. Ahsoka, in that moment, in that split second, realized, she was the villian in this story. She was the reason all those men had but one soul to live through. Captain Rex.

They stood at the end. Where smoke and ash danced lively over the dead, two survivors stood. The term survivor, quite odd it is. For what did they survive? War? Oh, they didn't survive that, war had taken them, taken everything they were and left them with how they are now. A survivor, the wrong term to use in this moment, for this two weren't survivors, because these two weren't the same people that they were at the start. Ahsoka Tano had nothing to her name, the title of Jedi long discarded. Captain Rex felt more reduced to his number, an easy to look over number in a sea of thousands. But in an instant all those numbers, his number, was reduced to zero.

Standing at the city of ash they were silent. Their tugging chains inturrupted by the former Jedi, "I killed them." She did not move or even flinch. She was speaking in the same manner of ominous waves, calm unlike their nature. The Captain knew instantly, but a click in his pounding head tugged at him.

"Who?" He answered, a clashing wave against the bay. The former Jedi was silent. They'd been so silent since the day the sky had fallen. The Captain didn't entirely care if she replied, for he already knew the answer, he just wanted to hear it.

"Soldiers. Good men. Your brothers." She had admitted at last. The Captain closed his eyes holding that sentence in his mind. 'I killed them' She had killed them. Captain Rex blamed her, at his core he knew better. But a part of him, a part of him the never entirely grew up, blamed her. Former Jedi Ahsoka Tano. She'd killed them. Luckily the Captain could shove those childish feelings of blame away and take to the truth.

"You wanted to live, and they would have died anyway." He mumbled, his voice unconvincing and certainly not comforting, "Not all of us were going to make it out alive." He added, not caring to comfort her as he had always done before. He was done caring for now. He'd look to the helmets of his dead brothers and feel nothing, he no longer felt anything. Captain Rex decided he didn't want to feel anything anyway. Because when he let himself, when he let all that agony leak in, Rex was drowning in an ocean. An ocean of suffering, and it would be in that ocean, he'd drown, Rex would drown, and he wouldn't care.

"They could have lived, Rex." She agued, hating herself with every bone of her body, "If I hadn't... One person compared to hundreds." She sounded bitter, looking to place her immense hatred towards herself. She hated herself, that she really did. But it wasn't entirely her fault, that she knew. It was natural to fight to live. For every time she found herself drowning in her ocean of agony she'd fight, fight a war against herself to survive. She couldn't stand the feeling of water filling up her lungs, she wouldn't drown. She didn't know why she cared to fight against the pain, but she did, oh did she care.

Ahsoka sensed the man next to her didn't. Ever since the war had ended he hadn't cared. She could tell. Stoic and composed, the Captain always pulled himself together for her. But now, it was different. He wasn't the person she remembered. He wasn't someone she recognized. Captain Rex wasn't someone she knew. But here they were. Standing together in the last fading light of the day in silence. Rex stayed silent, staring at the helmets almost hearing their cries and almost seeing their faces. "Don't look at it that way." Rex told her. He didn't really care if she did though. He didn't really care. "You made a choice."

Ahsoka shifted her gaze to the Captain, who was staring so blindly at the battered helmets. She looked at him and wanted to cry and break into his arms. He was so much older, he knew so much better, she'd always felt safe with him. But right now, ever since their world ended, she didn't know him, she didn't know why she didn't feel safe. But she sensed he didn't either. But that was okay, wasn't it? They had each other and Ahsoka wasn't going to leave Rex this time, only if he wanted her to. "What would you have done Rex?" She thought to ask.

In the midst of the silence came a loud noise in the Captain's seemingly eternally still mind. His tired eyes fell closed as he cursed his thoughts and as he tried to answer he found himself not wanting to say anything. He didn't want to hurt her. But in his mind the thought tugged, 'Even though you've hurt me,' In his mind he related to a child, wanting to hide under the blankets from the storm until better times came, but he learned a long time ago, he was the storm, the crashing tidal waves, he was the reason he wanted to hide, Rex was the only thing he was afraid of now. He didn't care anymore though, those wanting thoughts soon departed because Rex didn't truly long for those things he wished only to no longer be afraid. To be afraid of his own mind, to be afraid of what he'd do. Of what he'd say to Ahsoka when he exposes that he'd finally had enough. That thought terrified Rex, the moment he'd finally snap.

But what would he have done? If he could start the end over again? Rex was meant to die, that he hadn't a problem with. Ahsoka, on the other hand, clearly did. It was the long selfless ways taught by the Jedi from a young age. A supposedly willingly given sacrifice. But for a clone, everything was programmed, he knew that. He was programmed to sacrifice himself and be okay with it, and he was. One of the perks he'd never minded. Not fearing death. But Ahsoka, Rex knew, did. She was a child after all, her mind aged a thousand years but still at her core, she was young and fearful.

So Rex couldn't, he wouldn't hate her. Ahsoka certainly hated herself. She did. She'd chosen her way, she'd chosen to fight and she didn't regret it. She often wondered if Rex wished she had. Ahsoka regretting the blood spilled by her hand, but she didn't regret fighting. She'd been a fighter all her life, just as Rex, it was she knew how to do. But now? Now there was nothing to fight but their minds. Which is the worst type of war because the mind almost certainly will win, everytime.

For the mind is patient, it will wait until the lowest moments of the day and seep in those pain ridden thoughts and cause suffering. And the mind would enjoy it. Rex would take a bitter comfort in the pain, he always would. Ahsoka would be relieved that she was still able to feel after all she's done, because, "I am a monster." The Captain turned to look at her, he wore no signs of disagreement, which caused the former Jedi to look at him peculiarly. "Rex?" She spoke, wondering if he would agree, because his mind did.

"Of course you're a monster," he turned away from her to gaze upon the dead. He would lie if he were younger. But he was so much older now and he cared not about comforting her. Anyone who would have comforted him is certainly dead. So the Captain agreed, "You're a monster.... But so am I." Rex knew a lot, all through experience, which is why the Captain near hissed his words as he spoke, he knew that word all too well. Monster. Every soldier is a monster. Ahsoka Tano. Captain Rex. They were creatures of war, and war, well,

War doesn't create anything, except monsters

─── ❖ ── ✦ ── ❖ ───

|| Tag List ||

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#this was random #.. #well happy Sunday #hope you're crying #clones #clone wars #star wars #tcw #sw #captain rex #ahsoka tano

[letfatewritethewords]

I process things with art. I process with written words in the hopes that one day it can be spoken without my voice shaking. This week has been one for the books.. and I decided to share. This is long, but I want to remember what I’m learning.. how I’m processing.. if you decide to read, thank you. If not, this will still be here as a reminder of my progress every year.

I always tell people that there was no reason for my name, but it’s a lie. I’m named after Samantha on BeWitched. My grandfather loved that show and suggested it when my mother couldn’t decide. I was born in early September and that makes me a Virgo. Astrology is one of my favorite things. There’s something extraordinary about the idea that we’re connected to the universe by the positioning of the stars. Sometimes it’s so vague.. but other times, it’s right on the nose and my horoscopes will make me cry. Speaking of that, I’m an empath and a 2. When I’m unhealthy, I’m a 4 and If you know what any of that means, I’d love to talk to you more about it. Winter is my favorite season. Fall is a close second. I love the snow and how muted everything is. I like the quiet, the beauty. Sometimes, the light from the sun will shimmer off a fresh coat of snow on the ground. It is absolutely blinding, but I’d still stare, and when the snow fell at night, I’d watch it under the street light across from my house and it felt like time stood still. When I was little, I would lay in the yard full of snow, alone, in my puffy suite, until my fingers and toes would go numb from the cold, listening to the silence, but the best part of those days was going back into my grandparents house and warming up with hot coco made on the stove, wrapping myself in a soft blanket and watching old movies with my grandfather. To me, the Winter is magical. My love languages are Quality Time and Acts of Service. I’m an introvert but I love people. I like to observe, I like to really understand how the mind works and Im eager to help. I thrive in controlled chaos. I like puzzles, I love music, I like crafts, I like to fix things because grandpa always taught me that nothing is to broken to fix. Nothing. No one.

This is the light. This is the part of me that I give willingly to anyone I meet. I wear it on my sleeve. It’s only the light. Until the last 2 years.. this was all I could give of myself because I’ve always been scared of the dark.

The darkest part of me lasted 8 years, my rock bottom lasted 4.5, but as a whole it’s taken up almost 12 years of my life. Sometimes I worry that all I'm ever going to be is this thing that happened to me. That this will define me for the rest of my life and I need to remind myself that I’m a person that can live separate from an event.

I went to the police station this week, I filled out more forms. I’ve filled out so many forms over the last 2 years. For an emergency restraining order this time. For Florida this time. I knew it would eventually follow me here but typhus felt too soon. The clerk called me brave. I smile and thank them every time but I never know how to respond to that. She has no idea how weak it feels and I mean.. how could she. This is the right choice, the obvious choice, the smart choice. In a different situation, it’s one of the many steps I’d be urging someone else to take. In all the chaos, all the hurt, in all the anger and sadness.. it always circles back to “I loved him”. I did. I wanted to fix him. I wanted to see him grow and heal and if I loved him hard enough for the both of us, it would’ve evened out eventually… right?

I failed.

He was always who he was, but I was young and naive and ready to fix the whole world. When I was 18 and we were free, I would’ve told you he saved me. Now that I’m in my 30’s… and he’s in prison and I’m in limbo.. I don’t know what I’d tell you. He didn’t save me, but he didn’t destroy me either. I had every opportunity to tap out and give up.. but I grew into a person I might not have been if I never met him.

Am I angry? All of the time.

Am I scared? Yes.

I see things more clearly now though. People talk about how you never know someone’s story, and that’s because we are experts at playing pretend like we have it all figured out until we’re alone and have to face truest selves. The facade is the hardest thing to give up. Some people saw through mine and there are others, who have built their own, that never will. I share posts about what I’ve learned, how I see people, how I’ve try to treat people with grace and teach children with love and patience in hopes that a little of that sinks into whoever it reaches, but I very rarely show the journey. Partly because I know the details are gruesome and that’s not for everyone, but mostly because I’m scared.

How will you see me?

What will you think?

I’m learning that I’m not this big awful thing that happened to me. I was never anyone’s property and I’m not chained to it anymore. I was very much lied to and manipulated and hurt long enough that it flipped onto me and I carried it without missing a step. I wanted to love him so much that I would heal him. Instead, he “loved” me so much it almost killed me, and he did call it love. Enough times that he re-defined it and I didn’t use that word for a very long time in any meaningful situation. He, for better or for worse, drastically changed the trajectory of my life.

But it’s ok.

I’m wounded but I’m healing. I’m lonely, but I’m learning how to slowly welcome more people in and step out of my comfort zone. If I’m being honest, I’m relearning a lot of things, including how to exist in a world where I have room to make mistakes and fail. I can say or do the wrong thing and be gently corrected for it by my people and move on … sans violence. There are no words for amount of relief I feel because of that truth.

Is it over? No.

He was sentenced to 7 years last year and every year around mid July early August there is an opportunity to apply for an appeal based on his behavior, which will always be immaculate because he is not as tough as he thinks he is. This means that if he applies and it goes to trial, I’m also notified and have to reappear, show any new evidence, and reexplain why he needs to stay there for the safety of others and myself. Telling my story once a year on a whim to a room full of strangers, always men, so they can decide my fate, as well as the fate of this “upstanding young man with a good head on his shoulders” (actual words used during my initial rape/domestic abuse trial against him), was never what I imagined finally turning him in would look like. I really never thought that after everything, his sentence wouldn’t even be as long as our relationship. The original sentence was 5 years. After he got out on a Governor Cuomo Covid related prison loophole and broke his parole almost immediately, he was sentenced to another 2 on top of that. He has 6 left. We talk about how flawed our system is, but really seeing it is a different kind of punch. Women aren’t believed. There’s a reason so many of these crimes go unreported, and why so many women die at the hands of angry men. The hoops you have to jump through are miles high and on fire, and when you and the advocate show up armed only with your truth, your tears and a little evidence from one night at a bar when he got to drunk and forgot he was in public, it’s very easy for a judge to rule on the softer side. Because, as you all know, we’d never want to ruin a wealthy mans life unless there’s cold, hard, reason to.

Seeing his face when they read out his sentence, after years of terror, was satisfying to say the least and if I hadn’t been so numb to get through the hearing, I would’ve enjoyed it more. I will never forget going to a trusted friends house after that hearing and being completely overwhelmed with all of the emotions. Relief, guilt, sadness, anger, happiness, fear.. so many I couldn’t express.. all at once because the novocain wears off and numb isn’t forever and I fell asleep with their dog after a lot of crying. I’d be lying though if I said that 18 year old in me didn’t feel a loss. I grew up with incredible grandparents that did amazing things in teaching me how to love people and be a good human, but no one can protect us from everything. I also grew up with a mother who fights demons of her own and never had the capacity to love two kids. In a situation like that, someone becomes the punching bag. I became the punching bag and desperately looked for ways out, an opportunity to run.. and I ran right into him, who accepted me with open arms for the first time in my young, very inexperienced life.. and I followed him blindly and he was my whole world. Until I was 27, I didn’t have a guide. By the grace of God I landed into a community in Florida that slowly helped me realize my worth.

So.. what now.

How do we fix what our parents and past broke?

How do you reparent yourself?

The mental health journey is proving to be my biggest struggle yet. There’s no more outside factors, it’s just me and the lies that have fed me for years and altered how I think and feel and understand the world. I can feel myself frustrating people I’ve let close to me. I feel myself getting nervous and pushing people away. Sometimes I can catch it and regroup, other times that nasty little voice is too loud and I’m exhausted. My goodness though, how cool is it to learn so much about yourself? I know I have the capacity to love that broken part of me eventually, but it’s still hard to face. Getting to learn and understand the reason behind your actions is terrifyingly amazing. I am proud of this journey. Even when I don’t always come up on top. It’s hard to see the progress while you’re in it, but laying it all out like this.. I can safely say I’m never going to be that 18 year old girl ever again. Some days this journey looks different, some days the darkness wins, because healing isn’t linear. Sometimes it’s one step forward, 2 steps back… but nothing is too broken to fix.. and I will never call that darkness home again.

#lonliness #abuse survivor #survivor #domestic violent relationships #domestic violence #processing

[matchasprouts]

Listen Closer - Chapter 10

[ 20,000 WORDS (altogether as a story) BAYBEE, THE POLYCULE IS SO POWERFUL ]

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“Why would I apologize to him? He was asking for it.” Garrett was defending his position on biting Strahm as he made dinner for himself and Mark, who apparently just kind of lived in his apartment now. He’d even brought some spare clothes.

Mark sighed at his response, running a hand through his hair. The longer this went on, the more exasperated he got. “Because he’s an FBI agent, and if he thinks you’re dangerous, he’ll accuse you of being Jigsaw. We can’t handle an FBI investigation, Garrett, you should know that.”

Garrett just hummed, as if the idea of the FBI finding them really didn’t bother him. “He’s not a very good one. I mean, he could barely even take a little bite.”

“That was not a little bite. He had to get stitches. It’ll probably scar.”

The knowledge that he’d scarred Strahm made Garrett grin, darting his tongue out to lick his lips as if he could still taste his blood. “He deserved it,” he finally replied, finishing up with the preparation and putting the tin pan he was using into the oven.

Then he joined Mark on the couch, immediately cuddling into his side. Mark sighed and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close.

“... Do you really want me to apologize?” Garrett asked once they were comfortable, one of his hands up Mark’s shirt and gently playing with the hair on his chest.

“Yes, I do, because the last thing we need is an investigation with an agent that hates us,” Mark answered, tightening his grip on Garrett slightly. “It doesn’t have to be genuine. Just make it seem like it is.”

Garrett muttered an ‘ok’ in reply, falling silent again as he rested his head on Mark’s shoulder.

This quiet lasted for a good few minutes, to the point where Mark honestly thought Garrett had fallen asleep. Until he spoke up again, of course.

“Thoughts on polyamory?”

Mark almost choked at the suddenness and bluntness of the question, and he could feel Garrett tense up in response, like he was ready to run at any second.

Garrett knew that if he had to choose between them, he would choose Mark. Yes, he had known Lawrence for longer, but he was in love with Mark the second they met. Besides, he was only officially dating the detective at the moment.

But he didn’t want to choose, and he knew an ultimatum would change the relationship forever, and he couldn’t handle that.

Before he could spiral too far, Mark cut in. “I’ve never tried it, but I’d be willing to, for you,” he said, immediately feeling the tenseness in Garrett’s muscles drop, even hearing a soft sigh from him.

“Are you sure? I mean, you don’t have to date Lawrence too if you don’t want to, I really don’t mind if you just wanna date me-”

“Garrett. You’re overthinking this. I’m sure,” Mark cut him off, pressing a long kiss to the top of his head. “I’d do anything for you.” There was a pause, before he continued. “Lawrence Gordon?”

“Yeah… it would appear that my type is people tied to Jigsaw,” Garrett joked, leaning back again now that he wasn’t freaking out. “Have you met him?”

“Once, when he was being investigated as a Jigsaw suspect. It wasn’t a very long meeting, Tapp and Sing were about to interrogate him,” Mark replied. He wasn’t all too surprised that Garrett would be into him, his actual type seemed to be big men, and Lawrence fit that category.

Garrett hummed softly, kind of expecting that. Lawrence had told him about the investigation, and he’d been the one to plant the penlight in the first place. Of course, Lawrence knew that now, but he’d been rather upset when he first found out.

“I just wanted to check in with you,” Garrett said softly after a moment, looking up to press a kiss to Mark’s jaw. “I don’t like keeping things from the people I care about, especially not when it’s this important to me.”

It was then that the timer on the oven went off. Garrett groaned before pulling himself away from the warmth Mark exuded and headed over to turn off the timer and remove the pan from the oven.

After setting it on the stove and cleaning up some so it could cool off, he called Mark in for dinner.

Despite the earlier altercation and other excitements of the day, the night was peaceful and relaxed, which Jigsaw apprentices didn’t get all too often. They just had to cherish the moments they did get.

---

“And you’re sure everything is in place? You double checked?” Garrett asked as he and Amanda made their way over to the abandoned building they were using for his first multiroom and multi-player game.

He still had to gather the players- his coworkers who were more focused on gossip than doing literally anything else with their lives- but he wanted to be sure that his traps were in place.

Especially his version of the “iron maiden but for the face”. He was so excited to see that one in action- he designed it with Nadia in mind. He hoped they would appreciate his work if they survived.

“Yes, everything is in place,” Amanda replied with a groan, rolling her eyes. She was already tired of Garrett constantly asking her about it. “I double checked, John double checked, hell, I even had Nar take a look at it.”

Well, at least she had the foresight to check that many times, because Garrett did not trust her anymore. He did, however, trust John and Nar.

“Okay, okay, I get your point. Thank you,” he replied, unlocking and opening the door. “I’m just gonna check one more time and then I’ll go get Nadia.” He didn’t have time to get all of the players himself, so he was getting Nadia, Mark was getting Tyler, and Amanda would be getting Joyce.

They all planned on leaving at the same time, so they would hopefully get back at the same time, which meant they were waiting on Garrett.

“Just hurry up, I’m not going to wait around for you forever,” Amanda said, crossing her arms as she stood by the door. Garrett just brushed her off with a wave of his hand, heading further into the house.

The players would be locked up in their own rooms with their own traps- a mask with retractable spikes on the inside that would activate if they didn’t find the key in one minute for Nadia, a device that would slowly pull out his tongue if he didn’t find the code to unlock it fast enough for Tyler, and a machine that would crush Joyce’s fingers one by one until she willingly cut them off.

He’d had a lot of fun creating these traps, but he could only hope the rehabilitation worked.

And, theoretically, the only one in danger of dying early was Nadia. Tyler and Joyce would run the risk of bleeding out, but they still had a much better chance than them.

Garrett ran through the house, checking each room and the center trap, where they would all have to work together. Of course, it was survivable without Nadia, should they die, but if they failed, they would die slow and painful deaths in this house.

“Okay, everything’s good,” Garrett announced as he returned to the front door, ignoring the huff from Amanda. “Let’s go.”

“God, finally,” Amanda said, opening the door for them and heading out to their cars. “If you’re not here when I get back, I’m not setting up your trap.” Of course she wouldn’t, because she knew he didn’t trust her anymore.

“Thank you,” Garrett replied, grinning at the offense on her face. “Just put her in her room, I’ll take care of the rest. Try not to fight with Mark if you run into him.”

He didn’t hear Amanda’s retort, since he got in his car and drove off as fast as he possibly could. Besides, he didn’t have the time to argue, Nadia would only be home alone for another fifty or so minutes.

Unfortunately, he was cutting it really close, but it wasn’t his fault. Mark legitimately made him go to work with him in the morning to apologize to Strahm for biting him, only letting him leave when he explained WHY he reacted like that to a simple touch.

He’d made up some stupid shit about how it was laced in with his trauma and how he reacted violently to things he wasn’t expecting because of it. It wasn’t like he could tell Strahm that he’d ripped his step-father’s throat out with his teeth and became obsessed with the taste of blood, so that would work.

With that taking up most of his day (the other part of it being him making Mark make up for the wasted time), he was now in a rush, and he hated being rushed.

He noticed Nadia open her curtains when he drove past their house, hissing softly to himself as he had to keep going, circling around until he had clear access to her backyard instead. There was a fence around it, but that was okay, he just scaled it and unlocked the back gate to make it easier to pull them out.

Despite hating it, Garrett pulled on the pig mask he’d brought before heading inside, remembered that Nadia kept their backdoor unlocked- they made the mistake of telling him, when they were talking about how safe their neighbourhood was.

It seemed like they had stayed upstairs after seeing his car, which was good because it was what he had planned for.

Nadia didn’t have any pets or children either, which made heading upstairs without alerting them a lot easier. They didn’t even look up from their computer when he slowly pushed their study door open, hardly even twitching as he approached them from behind.

They tried to scream when he grabbed their hair, but he jabbed the syringe into their neck too fast for them to get the chance, the sedative inside making quick work of their consciousness.

Luckily, Nadia wasn’t very heavy, so it was extremely easy for Garrett to carry them back outside and to his car. He made it out of there with twenty minutes to spare, which made it his fastest job yet. He was sure Nadia’s roommate would be concerned when she got back and found them missing but not enough that she would call the cops. Nadia had a habit of leaving without saying anything, which worked out nicely for him.

He still drove quickly to get back to the house, but he was significantly less worried now. He knew the sedative would last a long enough time for him to not risk getting pulled over for speeding.

It wasn’t long before he was hoisting them out of the back seat and carrying them inside the house, not at all surprised to see Mark already there but Amanda still out. “Did you have any trouble with Tyler? He’s not a big man, but he’s fast,” he said, readjusting Nadia on his shoulder.

“I just hit him in the head,” Mark admitted bluntly. “Not my greatest moment, but he came running at me and I just kind of reacted on instinct.”

Garrett stared at him for a second, before bursting out in a laugh. “Holy SHIT Mark, you were supposed to SEDATE him, not knock him out in one blow!” He meant to be scolding, but that was damn near impossible.

“I- I tried, alright? It was instinct!” Mark defended himself, covering his mouth in an attempt to not join in on Garrett’s laughter.

Garrett just shook his head, still fighting back giggles as he made his way to Nadia room.

He laid them down on the floor once inside, taking two keys out of his pockets. One was for the door, the other for the trap. He put the one for the trap in a whole in the wall that he covered up with a painting- Nadia used to be quite the peeping tom, so it seemed appropriate. The key for the door was placed inside the mattress on the iron bed frame sitting in the middle of the room.

Once that was done, he placed the heavy metal mask on their face, securing it with the thick leather straps that wrapped around their head. The buckle was held shut by the padlock the key belonged to.

With the mask secured, he placed the tape player on the floor next to them and set the timer to activate in an hour, which was when the game was to begin.

It had been excruciatingly timed by him several weeks before, so he knew exactly when everything was going to go off.

Now that Nadia’s game was set up, he left the room and locked the door behind him, moving on to the others.

---

“Do you want to watch the game with me, or do you have work to do?” Garrett asked Mark when he was done setting up all the traps, Amanda having left as soon as she dropped off Joyce.

“I’ve got to get back to the precinct,” Mark said, getting a “booo” from Garrett that made him chuckle. “Don’t worry, I’ll probably have to call you in anyway to save face.”

Garrett didn’t like the idea of leaving in the middle of a game, even if he had it timed down to the last second, but he knew that keeping up their lie was important, so he just nodded.

“Well, I’ll see you later then,” he said, pulling Mark down for a kiss. “Bite Strahm for me, will you? He needs to remember his place.”

Mark laughed at that, just giving Garrett another short kiss before heading out.

Garrett checked the center trap one last time before heading to the room that contained his “trap”. What better way to facilitate the trap than being in it himself? Lawrence had agreed to watch it through the cameras, since Garrett had already known Mark wouldn’t be able to.

It was complicated, had a lot of moving parts, and would require him to get hurt.

He was more excited than he had ever been.

#story tag: listen closer #self ship fic #self shipping #self insert #scrap.writing #scrap.ships #s/i: garrett whitlock #mark hoffman #lawrence gordon #peter strahm #romantic: 🦿🩺 #romantic: ⛓🕵️‍♂️ #romantic: 🖊💧 #(poly) romantic: ⛓🩺🖊 #chapter 10