but they’re lying all the time
trans hunter week day seven - mirror (@rqmdae)
rating: teen and up audiences
Belos told Hunter he was a boy. He had never thought about it beyond that until his life was turned inside out - and with everything going to pieces, he should have expected that simple truth to be a lie, too.
Takes place some point post-Hollow Mind, wherein Hunter stays at the Owl House instead of going to Hexside.
-
“Holy shit- Hunter, you’re trans?”
“I’m- what?”
“You’re trans,” Luz repeated, dumbfounded. “Shoot- I’m sorry, that’s probably rude-“
“No, I- I’m not trans? What are you talking about?”
“But you have…” Luz gestures inarticulately at his chest.
“Well, yeah? Doesn’t everyone?”
“Hunter. Cis boys don’t have boobs.”
“You- you’re lying!”
With that shocking revelation unveiled, Hunter had promptly locked himself in the upstairs bathroom of the Owl House, aptly labelled Ladies and King - because apparently, he couldn’t even be a fucking boy correctly, if what Luz said was right. It probably was. She was certainly right about- the Emperor.
He wasn’t stupid, he knew what being trans was. It’s just- he wasn’t. He’d always been a boy, he’d never not been a boy, and Belos had never led him to believe that he-
Ah. Belos. That would be it, wouldn’t it? His- whatever he was had been unsatisfactory, and the man had sought to change him, and never even bothered to tell him - he’d probably done it as soon as Hunter had been unearthed, or however grimwalkers were born, all the better to make him a perfect replica of the person he was meant to replace.
He’d never questioned the compression shirts, the potions he had taken every week - he’d never had a basis for comparison, after all, so why would he have ever thought that regular boys didn’t have tits, or need to chug their hormones in liquid form? He’d seen the coven scouts in the barrack changing rooms before, of course, and he couldn’t deny that strange stirring of envy in his stomach at how much flatter they seemed, how he would have to ask his uncle what sort of shirts they were wearing- but he’d never really thought himself different. It was just another lie, and it shouldn’t have bothered him as much as it did, it wasn’t nearly as world-shattering as all the rest, and yet-
And yet. When he looked in the mirror, what was he supposed to see?
He imagined himself like Eda, at first, the first decidedly female person he could bring to mind - gave himself that slim curve of her hip and chest, mentally thinned his biceps when he flexed them in the mirror- and it felt nothing short of revolting, enough to make him choke back bile rising in his throat. Well. Maybe he was doing it wrong? Terra was a woman too, so he could just- he pictures her long hair on his head, and her pink dress, and no, no, absolutely not, that was not him, could not be him, and he banished the thought from his mind, hugging himself tightly.
A knock at the door made his ears prick. “Hunter, I’m sorry- is everything okay? Flapjack is getting worried,” Luz fretted from behind the door. He could see the shadow of her pacing flickering underneath.
“Yeah,” he croaked. “I’m fine. Had to piss.”
“Okay. I- I’m really sorry Hunter, I shouldn’t have said that, it just slipped out-“
“Look- it’s fine, okay?” he snapped back, drawing his hand back from the doorknob. He wasn’t quite ready for that yet. “It’s just another lie about myself that I believed. No big deal.”
“Are you sure..?”
“No! How can I be sure of anything? I don’t even know who I am anymore?” His hands were shaking, and he buried them deep in his hair, back pressed firmly against the door.
“Okay, okay, um- well. Are you a boy, or a girl? Or something else?” Luz asked tentatively.
“A boy. Definitely a boy.” He was pretty sure of that, he thought, and if he could decide that without Belos, it was a good sign, probably. Maybe. Who the hell knew? Not him!
“Okay! That’s a start. Uh…actually, I feel like Eda is probably more equipped to handle…this..? Can I go get her?”
“Sure.” Air his laundry out to the Owl Lady, too. It was no big deal! His entire life was a lie, of course, down to something so simple as his gender, but who was he to complain?
“I’ll be right back, then.” Footsteps away, and then two sets returned, leaving Hunter without any time to gather his thoughts.
“Hey, kiddo,” Eda said from behind the door. “Having a rough time?”
“You could say that.”
“Alright, uh…so, sounds like Belos played Gender Santa with you, huh?” She chuckled at her own joke, for reasons Hunter could not discern.
“Gender what?”
“Oh, Santa- it’s a human realm thing, apparently, he gives people presents and stuff. Don’t worry about it.”
“Least of my concerns,” he muttered.
“Not the time, sorry kid. But- uh- ah, apologies in advance for asking this, but did you ever learn about, uh…you know…puberty? The bats and the griffins, and all that?”
“Oh, Titan- yes, Eda, I learned about that.” Eugh. He did not need to discuss witch puberty with the Owl Lady, thank you - that was probably the only way whatever the hell this was could possibly get any worse.
“Wait, Hunter, if you knew about puberty, then how come you never figured it out?” Luz asked suddenly.
“I don’t know!” He curled his fingers around his hair and pulled until he felt like he could breathe again. “I just- Belos said I was a boy, so I was a boy! I never thought much about it, I feel like my entire life is pretty indicative of the fact that I took everything he said at face value!”
“You’re right, kid, you wouldn’t have had any reason to think about that,” Eda said smoothly, jumping in before Luz had the chance to ruffle any more feathers. “Luz, maybe it should be just us for now?”
“Okay,” Luz said slowly. The sound of her creaking footsteps dissipated, and Eda sighed heavily.
“Alright. Well- I guess you’ll have some stuff to think about, but do you still want to be a boy?”
“Yeah.”
“Alright. That gives us a pretty good jumping-off point. Were you on hormones?”
“There was- a potion.” He’d read the stupid label enough time, and still never considered-
“Okay, okay, that makes sense,” Eda murmured. “Do you want to continue them?”
“I…guess? What happens if I don’t?”
“That’s a conversation for you and a healer, but generally, there’s some regression, and some withdrawal symptoms depending on your dose.”
“Regression..?” Hunter whispered, strangled. Regression, as in he would- no, no, absolutely not, he would not, he could not-
“Kid, you alright in there? Kid?” His breath was wheezing in and out of his chest, all strangled, like his throat was wrapped in wire, and the bathroom lights were suddenly too bright, and-
“I can’t, I can’t, I’m not a girl, I am a boy, I’m- I swear I am, I can’t-“
“Hey, kid it’s okay, it’s okay, we know you’re a guy, alright? Kid?” Eda tapped her fingers nervously against the door, speaking in a low, cautious tone, like he was some kind of animal, while Flapjack twittered nervously beside her. “I’ll get in contact with a healer tonight, and we’ll get you all situated, alright? Does that sound good?”
“Yeah,” he whispered back, knees hugged tight to his chest. “I- thank you, Eda. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it, kid. Are you ready to come out now?”
“No,” he said firmly. “I just…I don’t know. I need a little while.”
“That’s fine.”
“I…can you let Flapjack in?”
“Of course, kid. He’ll be happy to see you.” The door creaked open, and Flapjack fluttered inside, a bundled red ball of feathers.
My boy! My boy is okay! Love you! Love my boy! He settled on Hunter’s knees, tugging at the strand of hair that flit over them.
“Love you too, buddy,” he said softly, stroking the bird’s crest. Flapjack thought he was a boy. Knew he was a boy. That helped, he thought. “Thank you.”
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