My New Beginning (My way out)
(Mentions of disabilities, mental, emotional, physical abuse, S*x abuse, bullying, self harm, suicidal ideation, Domestic violence, be wary before reading).
So where to begin……. This is about familial abuse, so this has been something happening my whole life!!! My “mother” is a narcissist. She bullied me and my sister our whole lives, I am the third of 5 kids, she would pit us against each other and watch us fight to laugh and make fun, most of my insecurities stem from her clowning me in front of my brothers, funny enough she is NEVER ALONE, my father he abused us including her but he left and I thought we were better off for it, I wasn’t wrong but little did I know the monsters she’d allow into our lives after, I was getting molested by older brother and my mothers boyfriend before I even got to elementary school, my brother started when I was insanely young, and I still protected him as I didn’t know what tf was happening, her boyfriend started when I was in 4th grade, he wasn’t a drunk or anything just a pedophile, she knew he was because he got caught cheating on her with teenage girls and yet she still kept him around for a decade so wherever we moved he was there and I started to become angry, rage grew inside my soul like a fire that had no intention of burning out, on top of that he was abusive hitting and bruising me and my siblings who all have disabilities, you know my sister as she’s a tarot reader on here so I’m not going into specifics about them, but she would sit and watch and do nothing, she would hide food with him, have us stand in the corner for hours on end while they are food in front of our faces “mmmm that’s good”. She even forced to drink her breast milk in front of him, she despised us having friends, soo when I would have a friend she wouldn’t let me see them or go out or we would move, I’ve never stayed more than 2-3 years in any place my whole entire fuccin life! I don’t know anything but toxicity when it came to relationships, I tried to kill myself multiple times but they failed so I decided to be a burner, I just burned myself, the fire it was the rage inside me felt outside, I decided to tell my mother about the molester from her boyfriend when I was 15, because I told someone in school he told me I had to tell her or he would so I wrote her a letter, he had a gun in the house and put it to his head and said he was going to kill himself (gaslighting), she kicked him out for a day, brought him back then told me that I had to share her with him, so at 15 and with her knowledge of him molesting me, we all moved to California, we drove there, and that was awful, we all fought and he screams how he didn’t care about what he did to me and he was laughing in front of her, i ended up just sweeping that under the rug because i went to focus on my career I had acting classes so my mind was focused but I met a guy from school and he automatically hated him (the boyfriend) he told my mother and automatically I was told to stay away from him, I didn’t I had got arrested the year before so I had community service and he was helping me with that, I told him what happened I thought we were meant to be but he cheated on me with his sister and I found myself in her another Jerry springer bind but I found that out months after we broke up, but he stood up for me and he was the only one on the outside that actually came and defended my honor as sick as he is I will give him credit for that. A year later we’re moving bacc to NYC, before we did though, they got Into a fight (my mother and the boyfriend), pretending to break up, he went to the gas station filled a gas canister wit gas came back to the front door and poured gasoline on himself, obviously not lighting himself on fire because it was an act, he went to jail a week or two later she invited him back into her life, I already knew that it was going to happen because the shit was predictable at that point, Skipping ahead to 17, we moved back to NYC, we came separately, I came on a plane with my mother and the rest of my siblings drove back with him, because obviously she trusted him with children why wouldn’t she? She already knew what he was capable of, she didn’t care 🤷🏽♀️, when we got back to NyC she
Promises me that he’s not coming back into our lives that it’s over this time, I told her he’s going to gaslight her she says not gonna work, fast forward to when they all made it to the apartment, she approached me with the sob story I said he would come in with so she said she is letting him stay, I was going to just walk away, but my sister told me that she fought with him on the drive here, she stood up for me, he yelled at my older brothers and her that he did What he did to me cos he truly wanted to and he’s unapologetic for it, the flame it was uncontrollable and I blacked out I went into the room and I kicked him out myself. He yelled bullshit but he left, she hated me for that, so she started to sneak him in secretly then they started hiding food again, leaving us to literally shake, starve and feel sick, we learned how to improvise with what little we had. I was going to school so I didn’t care, speaking of school I was supposed to be on my last year of school, and I couldn’t graduate because my principal explained because I moved so much my credits were all over the place, so she told me I had to repeat a year that was devasting to me because in California I only had a few credits before I could graduate, I got two jobs because I just wanted to save up money to leave, she told my grandma lies oh she has a whole bunch of recruits that she tells constant lies too about us and what we do never the truth because they already feel she’s sick but they do nothing about it, family tho right? My grandma called me and so again we told her the truth and she helped us kick him out for good, (so that’s the end of boyfriend 1…. For now) I was finally 18!! So again I have no friendships nothing ever stuck, but I had two jobs and I was saving up for an apartment, I shouldn’t have done this but I was so proud of myself! I told her (my mother) that I was going to move out, get my own apartment and live on my own, she didn’t like that, she was saying that it was disloyal and what was she going to do without me and she needed help because most of my siblings have a disability, so I stayed, I couldn’t be disloyal when she needed me, that was a big mistake. A year later we are moving BACC to California because she has found A NEW BOYFRIEND, some guy she met over the phone, guess who helped her move back to California though (boyfriend #1), my brother who molested me left to go into the army, don’t worry he’s not in it any longer dishonorable discharge (it was fitting). So anyways the new boyfriend was some white guy who I felt meant no harm the fuccin dude was quiet and softspoken so I paid it no mind, but I was wrong, he was a drunk, not only was a he a drunk, he was a RACIST DRUNK! Did she care???? NOOOOOOO! Everytime I tried to leave she stopped me, til we fought then she would say to leave knowing I had nowhere to go, if I had a friend to go too she would hate that friend, funny thing is most friends that want to take me away from this be friends she introduced me too, she wanted to be friends with them but they wanted to be my friend yes they are younger people, I don’t have those friends anymore because they were very similar to her go figure right ? I thought I should call the cops, call for help, but everyone I reached out too did nothing INCLUDING COPS! So I felt backed into a corner, well I had my sister my little sister my rock, funny fun fact though, her new boyfriend ALSO LIKES LITTLE GIRLS oh and BOYS! He got arrested and she stood up for him, while he was doing that in her home, she would run away and leave us all my siblings in the house with him drunk calling us the N word, kicking doors down and causing mess, I couldn’t leave my siblings who couldn’t understand what was happening behind all I knew is that they were scared and their mother wasn’t there all she did was make excuses for him she told me I should kill myself, that I was a cunt that didn’t deserve her name, ( I don’t have it, I have my dads last name), that I was going to be nothing more than a whore, by this time………………
She knows about what my brother did to me I didn’t mention that confession because she just skipped right over it. She literally didn’t care and she told me to my face she believed he was only playing with me and I am confusing it all and that I know nothing about it because it happened to her and she the only one who knows pain and my pain doesn’t matter she tried to assault me and again tried to tell family but she already took the narrative so they weren’t trying to hear me out or help, in august of this year, me and my sister left, we went to stay in a motel for a week or two, with the help of my booking agent we didn’t have enough money to stay and the homeless shelters were all full and we’re not answering back, so we had no choice but to go back, we are back and nothing even a week later back to the drunk racist, not eating, starving routine, I wanted to die and I felt like a failure! I couldn’t even get out of bed I felt like I deserved this I got my sister out to end up right back 2 WEEKS LATER?!?!! I fuccin hated myself! He was drunk and again causing ruckus, she came back a morning later and was telling him to leave, he was going to hit her, my brother (diagnosed with MR) was out there with my younger brother (autism) and they were scared and standing up for her and the boyfriend was in their faces what was I supposed to do???? Me and my sister tried to help and she tried to tell us to leave for helping her!!!!! Me and my sister decided to just call the police, they started to fight, and he tried to kill her, the police got him out, and they told her that she was lucky to have her kids here, we cleaned up her room after he broke her whole house apart, I mean EVERYTHING IS TORN APART RN!!!! she decided that she was going to move down to Texas with the molesting brother because he has kids, (oh yeah other fun fact she kept forcing me to have kids she even wanted me to give her my eggs so she can have kids with both of those boyfriends she approached me TWICE ABOUT IT, one she wanted my eggs and the other she wanted me to be pregnant for her!) So now my brother has kids she was like saying she knows I’ll never have kids and I’ll be forever alone, that no one will ever love me, anyways skipping to now my birthday came and left I’m 27 now! The housing program that me and my sister signed up for began to pend and we found a place! We didn’t tell her we found a place and that we were in a program we didn’t even tell her that we went down the city. We ended up getting a random woman come into the house and serve us she was evicting us (my mother) even on the eviction notice it says no fault just cause, she didn’t even tell me, so we have 60 days to leave and vacate her premises! Funny enough yesterday my sister got her APPROVAL NOTICE!!! Mine is still pending but I know that I’m getting approved and if all goes well we will be in our transitional home on SATURDAY! We finally did it, dug our way out, I didn’t think that I could and that I would, I would’ve been opened up to someone if I didn’t believe that it was against the family or that no one would love me like she did, she painted the world as such a unloving place and that this toxicity was normal and for the longest I believed it, but I am waking up now! And I am looking forward to beginning my life AWAY FROM HER! Just me and my rock @silvershiningtarot I AM NOT ASHAMED OF MY STORY, I’m only ashamed I kept quiet for so long, I allowed them to get away with everything and they took control of the narrative but I’m taking my power back! This is the first chapter of my success story! I’m not looking for claps or sympathy or for yky to actually care or anything I just wanted to put my story out there because this shit shouldn’t be in the dark anymore, mothers can be demons, family can be a dark and scary word for people and they’re not family, only relation! And I wanted to make that clear! RELATION DOESN’T MEAN FAMILY
I feel more familial love from you guys on here than I ever did anywhere! My music gave me hope and tarot gave me community
You deserve to know your reader through and through!
Thank you!!! For listening and taking the time for hearing this sad ass story, I hope I didn’t drag your day down! 💋
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Pick the photo you are drawn to. When you find this it's the message you need to hear.
Deck used is the Sexual Magic Oracle Deck
1. Scarlet johnanson- Conquest card
Im getting sexual magic. You are using your sexual energy to attract things into your life. Some may be celibate and that is making you attractive because the energy you have put towards partners who probably were not worthy of your energy or you felt disempowered with is now focused on you. You are using that energy to manifest the life you want. As well as the sex life you want. You becoming empowered and have zero desire to let others to come into your energy that are not in tune with themselves and bringing their best version of themselves to you. Love this energy. Keep your standards, don't waver. You will get the best, because you believe you deserve the best.
2. Sade- Awareness card
Im getting intuitive energy. I feel a partner or people you are dating feel you are psychic. Your intuitiveness is very high. You may have been interested in tarot or channeling messages. Im also getting coaching, like a life coach is something you are pursuing or interested in. You are very good read of Bullshi*t. When you feel something is off listen to it. That is a gift of yours. Im feeling a partner around you or person that thinks this connection you have with the universe is beautiful, but makes them a little nervous, because they don’t feel as connected to the universe as you. Don’t push them to be like you, but if they ask you questions about your beliefs and spiritual practice don’t be sacred to share. Also, don’t hide or feel ashamed of your gifts or spiritual practices. Be authietcally you, that attracts the right people. I also want to say you may attract all kids of people, but that’s where your intuitive knowing comes in. Also, do a lot of energy clearing with yourself and take a moment everyday to connect with yourself.
3. Hilary banks- Healing card
I want to say you have been on a journey. There could have been a past you walked away from surrounding heartbreak, not having the highest standards for partners. Your self worth may not have been high. That was the past you have worked/ working on reversing all of that. You may be working on your self concept. You could have been listening to a lot of content about feminine energy and hypergamy and implementing that content into your life. Also, see you have a slight similar energy to pile 1 in the fact you may not be having a lot of sexual encounters right now, because of your standards. Your standards may be linked to if your partner is showing up finically in the way you desire to feel comfortable to take that intimate step. Again, keep your standards. Don’t let anyone pressure you and make sure they are backing their words “promises” with action FIRST!
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How the Our Life 1 Leads Love | As Told By Tarot
cw. gn!reader, tarot, headcanons
pairing. cove x reader, derek x reader, baxter x reader (separate)
notes. is it really an indoctrination into writing for a fandom if i don't make some sort of tarot headcanons post for the leads? no, it isn't. so here are is my usual brand of headcanons for the leads of olba
deck. prisma visions tarot
cove
the winged boar, ace of chalices, nine of pentacles, king of chalices
once the gate of love has been opened with cove, it flows without abandon and without restriction. and yet it's not overwhelming. cove's love is more akin to finding yourself overflowing in wealth after discovering a spring with luxurious minerals. he likes to be spoiled but cove gives back just as much as he takes. cove's love is peaceful. it's the domesticity in lazily making pancakes on a sunday morning and. in an impromptu trip to the aquarium or sleeping on a poppy-covered hill during the last days of summer. cove can admit he can be quick to be a downer and he is slow to warm up to people, he's also fairly emotional and quick to tears. and yet despite his self-perceived shortcomings he still managed to connect with you. perhaps the saying 'when pigs fly' has some merit to it because he feels like some sort of boar must have been flying for you to come into his life. he wouldn't change that for the world.
derek
two of pentacles, six of chalices, wheel of fortune, the star
it's like derek's a kid all over again when he's in love. there's a bright-eyed, hopeful innocence to him you can't help but notice. the sky is bluer than normal, the grass twice as green. the world is just more vibrant to him when he's in love with someone. as hard a worker as derek is, however, he never makes you feel like second place. he works his hardest to make you a priority in his life, even more that you honestly feel that way too. you're a team and a team looks out for one another, especially when it's a team as precious as this one. derek most assuredly believes in soulmates and he know he's found his. of course, derek knows that a relationship isn't only the good and beautiful. relationships take work, they can be difficult and can be ugly at times depending on the period of life one is in. that's only a small bump in the road as far as he is concerned. he is in this through even the bad with the hope you'll both find yourselves on the path of good again
baxter
nine of chalices, king of chalices, the emperor, two of wands
a baxter that no longer runs away from commitments and those who wish to maintain lasting connections with him is a love as sturdy as they come. as he is now, baxter doesn't date with only brief fulfillment in mind, baxter is in it for the long hall. he wants you to feel like he is in this all the way, because he is. he's articulate in expressing how he feels and he wants you to feel comfortable enough with him to do the same. gone is someone who was scared to do more than give a half-hearted parody of a relationship to avoid letting people see who he is. who baxter is is now on full display and he presents his heart to you on a transparent platter to do with what you choose. to baxter, you provide a level of comfort he feels he never let himself have before. it's more than satisfying
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