#don't mind me i'm dumb and only just now figured out how tumblr works

[innitmarvellous]

Part 2 of my ace contemplations - Part 1 can be found here - or more like: more whining, haha. Sorry.

First off something more general: I'm happy about the responses I got on the original post, but I think it's a bit sad that there isn't a hashtag or something for people who want and need the support of the aspec community here on Tumblr (without having to join a special forum or sth). Because it seems that while the community is quite active, it's mostly for sharing memes and snappy textposts and stuff, and less about more helpful things and discussions. I'm not saying the memes etc are wrong and shouldn't be a part of it too, but idk, I just wish there would be more of an actual community bond, if that makes sense? To help the people who aren't yet at the stage where they can view their identity as something great, people who are still struggling and are reliant on online communities for that kind of help.

Because for all the talk about the very active Tumblr aspec community...I personally haven't seen and benefitted much of it, apart from the memes etc. And I hope I'm not the only person who don't just want to agree with meme posts and would wish for more. Or am I just unfortunate? Looking in the wrong places? (In short, where are the nice supportive ace people of Tumblr? I'm desperate here...well, kind of.)

---

Something related to the books I mentioned in the original post:

these books are all written from such an US-centric, university-educated and creative business viewpoint. And that's just not my world at all, as an mostly unemployed European with crappy education.

Like, one time it was mentioned that aces always look out for each other and how great that is. And yeah, sure. It is. It would be great, but what about the people who aren't part of that lucky network or community? People who possibly haven't met another aspec person in real life? They are missing that kind of support, and maybe it would be the one thing that would make everything easier.

---

Another thing: I found the probably supposed to be inspirational stories from other aces in the books rather disheartening. Yeah, fine, so person XY found their perfect partner by luck, despite whatever made them think it would never work out, yadda yadda. Good for them, but that's not gonna happen to me, right? I'm not gonna strike that jackpot and will find someone who accepts me as I am. Maybe I'm just a really, really spiteful person, but stories like that don't inspire me or show me what's possible for me personally in any way.

---

Well, yeah, I never encountered that. Like, truly never. That's one thing where I'm very ace: I don't get what's supposed to be sexy about a (mostly) naked body. I understand a appeal of a open top button and bit of chest being visible or something like that (lol that sounded so stupid), but the body being in full view? Nah man, put on your shirt again before you catch a cold, lol. (And it's not just guys actually, but people of all genders, if I'm honest.) I should probably add that I absolutely don't mind seeing anything like that, it just doesn't do anything for me.

---

I guess my takeaway from all the reading I did isn't like for other people who don't feel wrong or broken anymore when they find out there are other aces out there. Even after knowing a lot about it I still feel like some crucial part of me is missing, and I could be more than what I am if that were possible. But then again, there isn't really a possibility for change, so I need to do my best to accept this. I just wish I had it easy one single time...why is basically everything about me so hard to accept? lol

Idk, but if I ever manage to convince myself that inevitably dying alone one day (and spending the time until then alone too) is a good thing, then I'm sure I'll be able to do anything. Now I only need to figure out how to convince myself and that's where it gets difficult, lol.

Being both aspec and too dumb/awkward to make friends is such a curse tbh 😓 And I can't even become a crazy cat lady because I'm bad with animals too, ugh...

---

In connection with the previous bit, I'm kinda envious of that way of thinking. Would make things much easier, I assume. And it's great if it worked for her, but I on the contrary would find it quite painful if I look back at my in a sense similar life.

---

And to counter all the hopelessness a little bit - we're supposed to do that kind of thing, I guess - I tried my best to come up with some positive points, although I take them with a grain of salt myself.

- Well, it does give me an explanation for whatever is going on with me. (Although I only need that explanation for myself, since I seem to give off so much sad loser energy that no one ever bothered to ask me whether I want a boyfriend or kids. They just look at me and think "nah, that's obviously impossible for her". Which is oddly funny yet a little bit hurtful... ^^')

- I'm kind of glad that I never actually have to hug people or cuddle with them since I hate physical contact so much, lol. Doesn't matter if it's platonic or not. Remember when everyone missed being hugged during the pandemic? Couldn't be me :D

- I guess someone who is a rather bad person with way too many negative traits like me shouldn't be on the dating market anyway, so it's a plus that I'm no relationship material. Although that's more of a plus for others, not so much for me, lol. But it is a plus in the sense that everyone I would fall in love with would be unattainable for me anyway, so it's good not to be tempted in the first place.

- Idk, that's about it, I think? Maybe I forgot something, but I believe that's the gist of it. Kind of sad, but I tried, haha.

#aspec #aroace #acespec #arospec #asexuality #aromanticism #asexual #lgbtqia #queer #i sure hope this will be the last part but i guarantee for nothing

[eisforeidolon]

Trying to navigate the spn fandom with the Jared and Jensen hate has not been easy. I have decided just to enjoy the projects they do I'm interested in and ignore the rest. How have you managed to keep so level headed with the constant craziness and infighting amongst the various fan groups? I always appreciate your thorough replies to asks.

Thanks, anon! Although I'm not always as level-headed as I'd like to be, there are a couple of things that I try to do and remember to keep from getting too wound up about anything that goes on in the various factions.

First, I try to remember that it's just fandom and sometimes fandom is pretty fucking blinkered or just straight up dumb. Especially when we're talking about the opinion of some random blog in their own space, what does it really matter? Opinions, assholes, etc. And that's when it's even a take you can actually consider seriously. Some of the shit like complaining about the way Jensen poses for pictures or Jared sits on chairs is just so inconsequential, absurdly petty, and childish? I really do just find it more funny than anything. Like, you're so determined at that point to fixate on hating an actor you've resorted to analyzing that for something to be buttmad about? LOL, okay.

It's a lot harder to not steam over the crap that gets sent directly to the actors - like the creepy fetishistic RPF posted on the SM of Jensen and his business/projects, the suicide bait/death threats to Jared, and the attempts to slander both Js with faux social justice bullshit. Which, first, mostly come from hellers who we have years of knowing are Like That (a lot of what made the aftermath of prequelgate so hard was the seemingly sudden schism of it). For that stuff, I generally figure J2 are probably not personally regularly wading through the sewer that is their SM, so hopefully a lot of it goes unseen. I also figure that they're mature enough and have good enough support to see that fandom has some unhinged people in it who are acting out for attention and it's not really about them. Furthermore, outsiders with a working brain are going to see it for exactly what it is - butthurt, entitled fans that need to get a fucking grip. That doesn't make it not creepy, not hurtful, or remotely fucking okay, but knowing most of it probably isn't hitting its mark and won't generally move beyond the fandom does help a bit. Especially in the context of knowing that you can't actually stop it because twitter really is for trolls and assholes. They can always make more accounts.

Second, when I really can't get something out of my head, because I keep seeing it over and over again, or one thing or another just sticks in my craw for some reason? I post about it. Sitting down and organizing my thoughts "on paper" seems like it helps me feel like I've dealt with it, in a way? I can't stop bad takes, but I can make it clear that there are obvious other takes which exist and make my best case for why my take is better - or at least a reasonable alternative. That's actually what lead me to make a blog way way back in the beginning, just constant annoyance at really bad takes analyzing the show. I knew then I wasn't going to change the minds of detestiel truthers and I know now I'm not going to change the minds of hardcore J haters, but there are a lot more people in fandom than just the extremists and it can help to see that you're not alone in disagreeing with opinions that can seem overly ubiquitous.

Third, when I still can't get away from something, or even one of the petty things hits particularly hard on an already bad day? I walk away for a bit. Stay only on blogs I know don't play into the drama. Do something else that takes enough of my focus to keep me off tumblr for at least a few hours/days - read or work on fanfic, play the sims, rewatch a canon. Come back after I've had a chance to cool off and remember that it really is just fandumb.

#askboxery #anonymous #anti actor stans #long post

[timpac-capstone]

Week 6

I spent this week fixing up my Tumblr, I've never used Tumblr before starting my Capstone so I just assumed that it functioned similarly to Twitter since the top articles when you search up Tumblr are how it's a Twitter alternative. So my first couple of posts were very short and sweet, not even specifying the week these assignments are for and don't contain any reflection. However, after my professor showed me an alumni from last year's class Tumblr I had a much better understanding as to how my weekly posts should look like. I also watched a video by STRANGE ÆONS to learn all of this site's features and capabilities. If you look at my blog now it's a lot more neat and tidy which makes me way happier, I also started using hashtags so that people outside of my classmates and professors can chime in with their support and or criticism of my work. Unfortunately, that does mean I lost all the likes and reposts my Larry 3000 post had but oh well.

So normally whenever I have an idea for a YouTube video I always start out like this, I create a Google Doc and let my mind run free as I create bullet points trying to capture whatever I can from inside my head onto the page. The first couple of lines usually describe what it's about, an example here would be "Focus on the physical cringe feeling I get when I think about a dumb thing I said or did in the past", everything after that is jokes or funny scenes that I think up on the spot, usually in the form of a dialogue rather than the acting out of a scene. Then the next day I read through what I wrote and I try to put this jumbled mess into a cohesive script, still in the form of bullet points rather than the traditional look of a screenplay, and as I'm writing the script I think of even more jokes or brainstorm how to make a specific idea I really like work in this project.

I've tried writing screenplays before but it has always felt so unnatural to me and I feel like I lose a lot of my ideas in the process of trying to make this script look nice in comparison to when I just write everything in bullet points. But I know other people have to see and understand what I want to do with this project so I have to just figure it out. I've tried looking at a couple of videos that explain how to write a screenplay but most of them are around 15 minutes long and all I really want to know is how I describe where the camera is and the actions of the camera and the actions of the characters, which does not take 15 minutes to tell me. In the end, I was only able to get a page and a half done because as I was writing this script I was struggling to organize my preexisting ideas while trying to get all my new ideas onto the page as well. Also while all the new ideas I was coming up with were great it was starting to make this project feel a bit more overwhelming. I was now thinking, "Oh my god am I going to have to hire professional voice actors because of how many characters I'm thinking up, am I going to have to hire a musician to make a score for this, how am I gonna find all these sound effects, how many backgrounds am I going to have to draw" and ultimately I had to stop because my brain was feeling burnt out.

Example of how I usually write scripts:

REFLECTION:

So not a lot was done compared to the other weeks but that was because reorganizing and learning how to use Tumblr took a lot longer than expected. But I would say it was worth it because now everything is a lot more cohesive and presentable to viewers. I was also able to start making some actual progress regarding my animation by finally having a story but I realized while making the script that I might be a bit too ambitious and might want to try reworking the story into something that I can do with my skills and time frame given.

#Tumblr #animation #study motivation #capstone #scripting #Youtube

[clanoffelidae]

i'm not putting this one under a read more because i think it's actually important this time you're just gonna have to scroll lol

(if it's under a read more it's honestly mostly just for me to say things 'out loud' and get them out of my head than really wanting anyone to read it, lol. if it's not and it's just bc it's long then i usually try to specify that above the read more)

you know what, i think i'm actually okay to try and use tumblr again so long as it stays extremely limited. i'm not going to download the app again because i know i'll start scrolling endlessly again if i do that, so i'm going to keep it limited to desktop. and i'm also going to try and keep it limited to only posting things myself or looking for very specific things (like i have a friend's webcomic i need to read!!! so i'll be doing that, but that kind of stuff), not just scrolling my dash for 5 million years

because initially why i stepped back was because i had just had a very real and personal fear of mine about encountering someone who hurt me again used as a weapon against me and it left me so deeply shaken i had to shut down everything, logging out of everything and cutting myself off from outside contact because everything was suddenly so overwhelming i was just spinning and not getting anywhere because of how upset i was as it sunk in. like i was up all night and didn't manage to get myself to take a shower until 7am and then finally got a little sleep at like 9am or so, when i made the call to get away from tumblr (and not JUST tumblr either) i was not okay

(irrational because they're not even on the same continent, have no idea who i am, and i can easily block them (and have!); but the part of my brain that was hurt has some trouble accepting that <3)

but i've had a few weeks to process everything and talked out what happened with some friends and i'm not in the same shocked and spiraling state that i was

(as anonymously as possible, whenever i have miscommunication issues i often try to explain what happened to friends to see if they can help me figure out what happened since my dumb neurodivergent brain is often confused by the event; but for privacy's sake i always keep things as anonymous and vague as possible, and won't mention the names of the places where i met the people involved, never mind the names of the people themselves; i'm genuinely just trying to get help to figure out what happened and process it, not gossip about it or otherwise be unfair to the people involved in any way! i just have trouble understanding things that aren't said as directly as humanly possible sometimes and try to get help from others to translate <3 it's part of why i overexplain so much, i need to make sure we're all on the EXACT same page and not leave anything up to chance. and hey it's my blog so anyone reading this should be used to it by now lmao)

i'm still hurt by it, yes! seeing stuff related to the fandom it happened in is still a bit much right now if it's not something i'm seeking out in a very controlled way, it just makes me think about it too much and brings the hurt back up. so part of why i'm staying off my dash and not scrolling is still for my own mental health, to not risk putting myself in a situation where it all gets brought back up to the surface when i'm not in a place to approach the topic in a controlled manner. (like, i don't want to take a 15 minute break at work and suddenly get stressed out and reminded of things. i'm trying to chill and have a snack not ruin my day lol)

but i'm not so hurt i'm in a place where i can't start putting myself back out there a little bit, and since i feel like i can i want to start doing so so as to start addressing it and getting myself sorted again.

but i also noticed, very quickly, just how much tumblr was taking up in my life. i hesitate to call it a full addiction, because addictions often interfere with one's ability to take care of themself, and i certainly wasn't at that point, oh no! tumblr did not get in the way of me feeding myself or sleeping or any of that.

but it had very much become my go-to when i had free time, and i don't like that.

i wasn't really doing many other things that i enjoy. i wasn't reading, or playing any of the games i like, or writing, or trying to one day claw my way through that blender tutorial lol. and i don't like that. so i'm taking measures to make sure that that doesn't happen again.

i think i'm in a place where i can trust myself to log on and not start immediately scrolling or give in to temptation, it's been a couple weeks. i feel like i can trust myself to log on with a specific goal in mind, like make a post or go read the next page of the webcomic, and then log off again. so that's what i'm going to try!

so, in a way, i guess both reasons are for my mental health really, lol. just two different aspects of it.

but regardless, hello again! i still have covid, unfortunately, and while tomorrow was actually my original return to work date i'm still shedding a lot of virus so since HR didn't respond my supervisor told me to just stay home and hope for monday. it's already the end of the week at this point lol

i'm doing pretty well fine tho! still have a little bit of congestion and cough, but the latter is mostly only a problem if i talk for a few minutes and start irritating my throat again. i wasn't doing so great last weekend, chest was rattling and i was having to very shallowly hyperventilate to get enough oxygen, by the end of it i was really understanding a bit too well how people end up on ventilators, it was taking so much effort and focus to try and muster up the strength to cough the stuff out of my lungs y'all, but fortunately i seem to have patched myself back together well enough! the worst of it was over by monday afternoon-tuesday, honestly, the cough and congestion have just been slow to fully fade. the bad part is that i'm still contagious as all get out lol, and i don't have the option of hiding in an office to work F

not really sure what i'm gonna be doing on here for the next bit beyond reading the webcomic n such. i had some plans for some posts i wanted to make but then i kinda got sick so that hasn't happened yet lol. maybe i'll work on those a bit. i feel like i had some shorter ones that were just idle comments i could say and dip but it's been like a week and a half since i last thought about them due to the ✨extenuating circumstances✨ so i can't quite remember off the top of my head. i was ranting about philosophy at @/korvidking on discord earlier so i might just reformat that a bit so it's comprehensible without the context of the rest of the convo lol

hm. we'll see i guess lol.

but hi! hope everyone's doing well <3 don't exactly have a HUGE follower base but there's some people who've been around here for quite a while and i hope you guys have had a good couple of weeks, whether we're mutuals or not <3

if you actually read everything and didn't just scroll past immediately you are strong and will continue to pass on your genes, if you just scrolled past you are weak and will not survive the end times but it's not like you're reading this anyway so the strong will just get to live with the ominous prophecy on your behalf

like come on, 95% of the time if i make a post of any significant length i put it under a read more, you can be brave and strong this once i'm sure lol

#anyway im gonna go try and find some food after i check korvid's blog so i can like any of his new stuff #since idk what he's posted these past couple of weeks #but after that it is food time

[kindkindling]

what i want is to be with you

fandom: the wayhaven chronicles

pairing: mason/nb detective (Billie Vale)

rating: E

warnings: explicit for M being M

word count: ~4.5k

summary: The detective and Mason dance, and they talk about stars.

ao3

This was unbearable.

Every step felt like a mistake, likely because it was; Mason was seriously regretting not paying more attention when Nat was trying to teach him the steps. He couldn't stop staring at his feet, which Nat had said was "improper" and "unacceptable", but how else was he supposed to keep from stepping on Billie's foot again? He grunted for what felt like the hundredth time as he abruptly shifted his foot at the last second to narrowly avoid yet another mishap, scowling all the while.

On top of that, the ballroom was too large for his liking, filled with too many people; the light was too bright, crystals dangling from the chandeliers, refracting to and from every angle and leaving no spot unlit; waiters kept walking by with trays of little finger foods that, despite their size, managed to assault his sense of smell with every pass; the suit the Agency had provided was scratching at his skin whenever he so much as thought about moving; and none of these assholes seemed to ever shut the hell up. He was learning way more about the business dealings and personal dramas of smarmy rich people than he ever wanted to know. And it was keeping him from focusing on these steps that he shouldn't be struggling with so much, goddammit — 

"You're doing pretty well, y'know."

Mason spared a moment to glance up at his partner. Billie was wearing an amused expression, and their eyes were lit up with a mirth that had only recently started showing up more often around Unit Bravo. It was far from unwelcome, but Mason forced himself to look back down and scoffed.

"I can do without the pity, thanks."

"No, I mean it," Billie insisted, gently running their thumb over his side where their hand rested. "You should've seen me the first few times I had to do this. I think Tina described it as 'somewhere between a toddler's first steps and a waddling duck.'"

That got a chuckle out of him, and he could see Billie grinning from the corner of his eye. "I can actually believe that." Billie was many things, but graceful wasn't one of them. Mason was actually a bit surprised they were pretty decent at this dancing thing; Billie didn't really seem like someone that would go for a ball. He meant to ask further, but as he made a step back, he felt his back collide with another dancer, and a frustrated growl came out instead. He quickly turned to snap at whoever made the stupid decision to stand right where Mason needed to be, but just as fast, Billie moved in front of him with a hand on his chest.

"Sorry about that," they blurted out before Mason would almost certainly say something they would all regret, their other hand raised in placation. (Well, Mason wouldn't regret it, but he imagined Ava and Nat would have some choice words for him, and that was usually worth avoiding.) The other dancer nodded, and Billie took a few moments to ask whether they were alright; uninterested, Mason spent the time noticing how Billie's hand was resting right over his heart. Their hand was warm, even through the irritatingly scratchy fabric of his suit, and he could feel their pulse tapping a faint beat through their fingertips. It was running a little faster than normal, but focusing on it helped bring his own frustration back down, until he was no longer in danger of jeopardizing the night over his two left feet.

Billie finally turned back to Mason, seemingly assured that the dancer wouldn't cause a scene, and they let their hand drag across his the sleeve of his suit as it slid down to grab his hand, threading their fingers through his own. "Come on, let's move a little farther away."

As he followed Billie's lead across the dance floor, he made a point to glare back at the dancer he had hit, smirking as they started a little. At least he could still tell someone to go fuck themselves with only a look, even if his dancing was shit.

Satisfied that they were far enough away from everyone to avoid another incident, Billie came to a stop. "This'll do," they said, looking up to meet Mason's eyes. The sheepish grin they had worn moments before turned back into a look that was becoming more and more familiar as of late. It was hard for Mason to describe; he wasn't entirely sure what Billie was trying to convey with it, only that it was... soft, and it made their blue eyes light up so brightly, and it made his chest tighten up in a way that wasn't wholly uncomfortable. He stared back, lost for a moment as Billie's hand, still holding his own, squeezed briefly before raising them back into position.

"You mind if I take the lead this time?" They asked, that baffling look still in place.

Mason blinked, setting his confusion aside for now. His eyes narrowed and his mouth formed a sharp smile, letting just a hint of fang come out. "You're always welcome to take the lead, sweetheart." He leaned in as he spoke, each word bringing him closer, until he was whispering beside their ear. "You could lead us somewhere we could try a few different moves, if you'd like." He revelled in the heat he could feel starting to radiate from them and chuckled lowly as they lost their response to a stutter. Satisfied for now, he let them off easy and just blew a soft breath over the shell of their ear before backing away.

It looked like Billie managed to get a hold over the blush before it spread across their face, which was a shame, but it wasn't like he wouldn't have more chances to see it later. Their expression had changed to one of flustered indignation, which was always one of his personal favorites, and if he felt a twinge of disappointment that the odd look from before was gone, well, so be it.

"Come on now, sweetheart," he teased, "show me how it's done." He readjusted his hands so they fit more comfortably against Billie's hand and side while they regained their composure and followed suit, clearing their throat a few times before speaking again.

"So, this is just going to be a simple box step," they started. "You can watch our feet to begin with, but you shouldn't need to after a bit. Whenever I take a step, just follow along with the matching foot."

Mason watched as Billie moved their right foot back, and followed it forward with his left. He couldn't help but feel that the beam Billie shot at him was completely unwarrented.

"Great! Now follow with the other foot, and we'll turn it into a kind of sidestep at the same time." They brought their other foot back, but moved it out to the side instead of resting with the other. Mason kept silent and watched intently as he did his best to mirror the movements. "Exactly, now we just bring the other foot back in..."

 

After a few minutes going through the motions, Mason found that he could perform the steps with only a cursory glance at his feet every so often, and he looked up to see Billie looking almost smug.

"You're looking pleased with yourself there," he said, cocking an eyebrow.

"Ha, well, I guess I am a little proud of myself," they chuckled. "It's not a particularly complicated step, but I still never thought I'd be able to teach it to someone else."

Ah, that's right, he had a question about that. "How did you learn this, anyway?" Mason asked. "Dancing doesn't really seem your style."

"I suppose that's true," Billie said, leading him through the steps in time with the music without thought. "Since this ball is an annual thing, and attendance is mandatory for those at the station, I've had to come for the past... oh, four or five years." Mason let his thumb run over Billie's hand as they moved, and gave a small grin at the way their eyes flashed to where their hands met before continuing. "That first year though, it didn't take long for Tina to realize I was spending more time hiding in a corner than on the dance floor, and she couldn't have that. So, she was the one who sort of forced me to learn, ha."

"The bobblehead does seem like she can be - ack!" Mason flinched as Billie pinched his side. The glare they gave him lacked any real substance, but he acquiesced all the same. "Alright, sorry."

"Mmhmm." Billie waited a moment, gaze narrowed, as if to see if he had a smart remark coming. When he didn't, they continued. "Anyway, so Tina was the one who taught me, but this is actually about all I know. I can't do any fancy steps or anything, but to be fair, this is the only time I actually use these moves, so I think it works out okay."

Mason nodded, curiosity sated, and took a moment to look around the room as they danced in their own corner. He could spot Felix almost immediately; he had been a pretty popular dance partner all night, even though he wasn't exactly sticking to the moves Nat had tried to teach him — or maybe because he didn't stick to them. He almost scoffed, holding it in at the last moment; Felix was almost as bad at this as Mason, but he still had people watching like they were jealous of his partners. Nat was on the floor as well, and Mason had to admit, she seemed to fit right in. She had a poise about her that the rest of the team lacked, and she moved gracefully along the floor with light steps alongside her partners, completely at home in the atmosphere.

He saw Ava off to one side, a glass of wine in hand, her own icy eyes searching through the crowd for any possible threats. Agent Vale had been clear that this was supposed to be a low-risk event, because "even Trappers aren't dull-witted enough to try to pull something in the middle of an event this large with so many witnesses," but that didn't mean they should throw caution to the wind entirely. He was relieved to see Ava felt the same way.

"Have you ever done anything like this?" Billie asked, drawing his focus back. "Uh, since being with Unit Bravo, I mean," they quickly amended as soon as his gaze met theirs again, "not, not... before, you know."

"Not really," Mason huffed. "Nat sometimes gets pulled to go to these sorts of things, since she's so good at smooth-talking and knows all the rules. Ava might go along if Nat needs back up, but no, this isn't really my area. Or Felix's, for that matter," he adds with a glance back at the young vampire. Felix was laughing loudly as he swung his partner around the floor, completely abandoning the slower tempo of the song. 

"Fair enough," Billie smiled as they watched Felix's partner try to regain their balance.

They continued to dance together, hand in hand, exchanging small touches and making comments on their teammates, until the song slowly drew to an end. As the band played the final notes, Billie came to a stop and took a step back. Mason noted they didn't take their hand out of his, but made no move to do so himself either.

"Do you..." He watched as they glanced away, took a breath, and looked back to him. "Do you want to head outside? It'll be quieter there."

Mason hadn't really been listening to anything other than Billie's voice and heartbeat for a while now, but he wasn't about to say no to both getting away from the crowd and having another chance to put one of those all-consuming blushes on their face. 

"Lead the way, sweetheart."

 

 

The night air was cooler than he would really like, but Mason wasn't going to complain when it came with the relief of being away from the ritzy hell inside. A speaker had taken the stage after the dancing had puttered out, and apparently she was interesting enough that nobody else had taken the chance to escape to the balcony with them. He'd made sure to catch Ava's eye to let her see them head out and had gotten a brisk nod in return. Well, and a stare that was definitely warning him not to put the detective into any... compromising situations. He grinned at the thought as he folded his arms and leaned against the railing of the balcony, looking at the mountains in the distance; Billie was next to him, staring up at the clear night sky. Billie seemed content for the moment to let the quiet settle around them, and Mason didn't feel the need to break the silence himself, so, for a time, they just existed in each other's presence.

Getting a reaction out of Billie - any kind, really; embarrassed, exasperated, excited - was definitely his favorite way to spend their time together, but truthfully, this right here was a close second. He could feel the rest of the world fade into the background in a way it never did at any other time, his senses only picking up on the feel of the heat from Billie's skin and the sound of their heart thumping its steady rhythm and the faintly sweet scent of their shampoo.

And while Mason didn't understand the how or why of it, he could damn sure appreciate it. 

A cool breeze had him watching as Billie pushed their short hair back out of their eyes, drawing their gaze away from the sky for a moment, and that must have been enough for them to break out of their thoughts, because they turned to him and asked, "Do you like stargazing?"

He thought for a second and shrugged. "Not particularly."

Billie just hummed in response and turned back, looking up at the sky again. 

"Do you?" He asked in return.

They laughed. "Not particularly."

He raised an eyebrow in a silent question.

"I don't feel especially strongly about the stars," Billie answered, somehow knowing he was asking without even looking. "I don't know them by name or anything, and I would struggle to point out any constellation if you asked, except maybe Orion's Belt. But... they are beautiful, you know?" They kept their eyes trained upward, as if searching for something as they spoke. "I've never been religious or spiritual, but there's a sort of kinship, knowing that you can look up and see the same stars people were seeing thousands of years ago."

They gave a heavy sigh before continuing. "We're too close to the city here to really get to see them, though. Light pollution, and all."

Mason huffed. "Damn shame."

Billie nodded firmly in agreement. "It is. I'd lived in the city for a few years after college before moving back here, and of course you can't see a thing there. It's not a bad life, living in the city, but I don't think I'd ever trade being able to see even just this." They looked at him from the corner of their eye and asked, "You guys said you'd been to Alaska, right? Were you able to see more than this?"

He leaned back from the railing as he thought. "I guess so. I didn't pay much attention at the time. It was so fucking cold, I was trying not to freeze to death."

Billie exhaled sharply in laughter and hummed quietly. "I wish I could see it. If you get far enough away from cities, you're supposed to be able to see all the stars, and the Milky Way, and some other planets, even. I bet it's gorgeous."

"Then why don't you?"

They started and turned to face him fully, their eyebrows furrowed. "Huh?"

"Why don't you go?" He repeated. "Make the trip, see the stars. They're not going anywhere."

They huffed quietly. "I can't exactly do something like that now."

"Why not?"

"Well," they started counting on their fingers, "I've got a bounty on my head for one; even if the supernaturals in the area I went to weren't aware of it, they'd be able to smell my battery-powering super blood, for two; and for three, I can't leave Wayhaven, knowing what... what Murphy's actions did." They had to stop and take a moment before they could say Murphy's name, and Mason felt his own eyes narrow at the mention of him. "Mom said that what he did would be attracting all sorts of supernaturals here, right? So how could I leave town for a vacation knowing —"

"And what makes you think you're alone in any part of this?"

Billie paused, three fingers still in mid-count. "I'm sorry?"

"The team is more than capable of handling whatever pops up here," he said, and then, without a second thought, he added, "and I'd go with you, dumbass."

Their mouth was gaping open now. "That's... you, I mean, you don't, you don't have to..."

Add 'eloquent' alongside 'graceful' on the list of Things Billie Isn't, Mason thought as he rolled his eyes. 

"We've been over this before, sweetheart."

He watched as Billie picked their jaw back up, and their expression slowly turned from shock to something like awe, though he wasn't quite sure why. Surely it wasn't that weird?

"You don't do things you don't want to do," they said, each word sounding somehow like it was a revelation to them, and suddenly it hit Mason, as well.

He had said those words to Billie before, that he didn't do things he didn't want to do, but he hadn't quite realized what they meant beyond the moment he said them. He didn't do things he doesn't want to do, so he only does things he wants to do. And what he wants to do...

Is be with Billie.

Huh.

He... wants to be around them. He wants to see their eyes light up when they see the stars they've never seen, like the way they've been lighting up recently when they look at him, and more than that, he wants them to see the stars just because they want to.

This was... something. Mason couldn't figure out what this was supposed to mean, if it meant anything at all beyond just wanting to see the stars in Billie's eyes.

Thankfully, Billie never left him lost for long. 

They took a step towards him and, taking his hand in theirs, softly asked, "Mason, will you come see the stars with me?"

Well, there was really only one way to answer that.

He entwined their fingers together, closed the gap between them, and after a brief moment to be sure they were okay with it, pressed his lips firmly over theirs. He wrapped his other arm around Billie's back as they eagerly responded, pulling them tightly against him so he could feel every inch of them as he desperately deepened the kiss. He felt their hand come up to bury itself in his hair and a groan escaped him as they gently grabbed hold.

He was so full of... something, it felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest. He wanted Billie, he wanted to be with them, around them, in them, he wanted to see their blush spread from their ears to their cheeks to their neck, he wanted to see them laughing, he wanted to see them crying out his name in pleasure, he wanted to see them happy; he wanted them, but he didn't know how to convey that. Not yet, anyway. So right now he would have to settle for what he did know, and what he knew was exactly how to push Billie's buttons until they were a sobbing mess.

He turned them around so his back was facing the entrance to the ballroom and Billie was against the railing, obscured from the view of any possible onlookers, as he slowly traced his hand along their suit from their back to their chest, dipping beneath the jacket to feel their nipple hardening through their shirt.

Billie had to break away from the kiss with a moan that was desperately trying not to become a whimper. "This is..."

"Do you want to stop?" Mason whispered. He watched as their eyes flickered behind him, and he extended his senses past just Billie. "That speaker is still going on, nobody's gonna come see. And there's no one below the balcony, either," he added. He spoke so closely to their lips that every word was nearly a kiss itself. "I'll stop before anyone would ever know. Trust me on that."

He watched their pupils dilate until there was only a sliver of blue left, and as soon as they nodded and he heard, "Go ahead," he crushed their lips together again and finally released Billie's other hand so he could use his to start unbuttoning their jacket and shirt. Both of Billie's hands were now finding purchase in his hair, and fuck, he had never had a thing for hair pulling before, but they were making a strong case for it at the moment.

With the jacket and shirt open, Mason let one hand come up to cup and knead a breast through their bra as his other traced the zipper on their pants. He did his best to swallow every moan Billie let out, and his best was damn good; he always wanted to hear the noises they made, but he wouldn't get to hear many more of them if he let someone overhear what they were doing out here, which was drastically more important.

He had planned to drag it out, let them feel every click of the zipper as it worked down the teeth as he worked over their mouth and breast, but Billie was as excited as he was. They brought one hand down from his head and grabbed the hand on their zipper, forcing it down all the way, and instead of returning that hand to its new home, they let it roam his chest, giving his nipple the same treatment. He tried to hold in a shiver and failed miserably, and the resulting grin he could feel breaking their kiss had him smirking in return.

"In a hurry, sweetheart? I thought you trusted me. I'm hurt," he teased, giving their breast a good squeeze before moving to the other.

"Oh, come off it." Their breathing was getting ragged, and they were having trouble focusing on his eyes, they were so worked up.

"That's the plan." Aha! There was that flush he liked so much, right at the ears. If he could keep it up, he would definitely be able to see it spread. "Do you want me to touch you, sweetheart?" He whispered, slipping his fingers under their underwear just enough to feel the soft curls there and running them along their sensitive skin. "Do you want to feel my fingers inside you?"

A whine escaped Billie as they tried their best to stay quiet without the aid of Mason's tongue, one hand still grasping his hair, the other clenched in his shirt.

Mason pulled their bra down so it sat under their breasts, pushing them up and letting the cool night air brush over both now-hard nipples before letting one hand return to cup them again and rolling a nub between thumb and forefinger. He let his breath ghost over their cheeks as he pushed just a little closer to where he knew they wanted him most right now. "I can smell it, you know. I can smell how wet you are, without even having actually touched you there. Do you know how good it is? How hard it gets me, to know how much you want it?"

"Mason, please, I - I need -"

"What is it? What do you need?" He traced the edge of their jaw with his tongue, delighting in the shiver they felt as the air cooled the line he left.

"I need you, please, Mason, just - mmph!"

He silenced their pleas with a kiss as he gave in. As much as he loved the teasing, they really didn't have a lot of time to play. He dipped his fingers between their folds, feeling how truly wet they were, slicking them up before slowly sliding one digit in. The sob of relief against his lips, the way their hips twitched forward with every circle of his thumb over their clit, the way he could feel every beat of their heart as if it were his own; fuck, he never got tired of this, could never get tired of this. Nothing else, no one else would ever compare.

He slid in another finger and curled them just so, committing the feel of every sound they made in his mouth to memory, squeezing their breast firmly and speeding up his hand. "Come on, sweetheart," He mumbled against their mouth, "Come on, Billie, come for me, right here." They cried into him again and he quickly ran his arm around their back to pull them closer as they came, clenching around his fingers and pulling his hair taut. He slowed his fingers, but never stopped their caress until he felt their hand thump gently against his chest; pulling his hand back out, he leaned back just far enough to see Billie's face, red and panting and eyes half closed with sudden exhaustion, but smiling wide all the same.

That same tightness in his chest hit him again at the sight, and rather than question it, he raised his hand to his mouth and started cleaning his fingers with his tongue, locking his grey eyes on blue. They shivered and let out a quiet curse as they watched, enraptured, their own tongue peeking out to lick their lips as he finished.

"What — " they had to clear their throat before trying again, and Mason couldn't help but be proud of the mess he'd made as they redid their clothing. "What about you?" 

He took another moment to listen out. People were starting to move around slowly, but he couldn't hear the speaker, so she must have just wrapped up. "Sounds like we don't have time for that now," he said. He smirked at the frown that appeared in response and stepped aside to lean against the railing again as he waited for his own arousal to fade. "Disappointed?" 

"Kinda," Billie admitted, turning their face out over the balcony, letting the night air cool the heat in their cheeks. 

Mason knocked his shoulder against theirs. "Don't worry about it. Let me come by after you head home, and you can show me all the stars you want."

He got a scoff and a shove for his trouble, but Billie also grabbed his hand and entwined their fingers before looking back up at the sky, so it was worth it.

#the wayhaven chronicles #twc #twc fic #sea's OCs #let's see if not adding the ao3 link will let it into the tag #IT FUCKEN WORKED WE DID IT LADS #don't mind me i'm dumb and only just now figured out how tumblr works #twc m

[babygirldennis]

This shit is fake bby!!!

Here she is.. My masterpost of all the dumb, illogical bits of info contained within these s15 “leaks” that make me fairly confident they are complete bullshit. It also includes my little tinhat theories that have absolutely no evidence.

I will be putting it all under a Readmore in case you don't want to risk it or if you simply Do Not Care

First up, I'd like to point out that these call sheets repeatedly give very detailed backstories to characters that have few lines which conveniently paints a picture of each episode's plot. And I'm not an expert so correct me if I'm wrong, but after looking at other similar casting calls, they only ever include the demographic and necessary skills.

Basically who in their right mind would write up casting calls that give away so many spoilers? Seems like that could cause and issue if they were leaked lol. But anyway that's my 1st point. But onto the actual content

So the conceit of this episode as a whole is that during the pandemic, the gang "gamed the system" and received three (3!) Loans to start businesses that went bankrupt. One of these businesses is implied to be the one started by dee and charlie who end up selling to Qanon shaman. Already this is so impossible baby.

1. We've already seen the gang try to get a loan and it didn't work. They don't have good ideas. Ur telling me, they managed to finagle 3 separate loans for 3 separate business ideas from an actual bank?

2. Maybe I just have bad reading comprehension but how does one have a business that is both fictitious and bankrupt?

3. If the customer is supposed to be Qanon shaman, an actual real life guy, why are the only descriptors white and male? They say he's shirtless so are they going to paint on all of the tattoos he has? And if so, doesn't that kind of ruin the dramatic reveal when charlie "throws in" the viking helmet? Why would he do that anyways? Sus.

Moving on

Alright this episode would fucking blow for obvious reasons but im going to refrain from looking at this through my gay dennis thruther lens because im biased.

Purely from a narrative standpoint, a woman hasn't been shown to be interested in dennis in nearly 5 years during the wade boggs episode. Ever since, every single woman he approaches has been actively creeped out by him. And now I'm supposed to believe that 3 "smart, passionate woman" (In Their Twenties!!!!!!) agreed to go on a date with him? And Anna even slept with him! Just because he what? Agreed with her? I'm not buyin it.

Plus the concept of this scenario lacks any potential for comedy. When iasip gets political, they always discuss a very specific topic using hyperbolic situations and flawed metaphors. If this is supposed to be a political episode, what ultimately lukewarm point would rob be trying to make here? So far we know they're ranting about

The patriarchy

Privilege

Socialism

No more personal responsibility(?)

The... nature of power in society(??)

How on earth would an episode like get approved? This shit sounds like a Ted talk. It sounds like it was written specifically to sound like a political episode so boring and pointless it would generate outrage and mile long essay posts from Tumblr users and reddit users alike. Almost like this one lol.

On a completely unrelated note, do not try and convince me that Frank "casual cock ring wearer" Reynolds is unable to perform.

Jeez this is getting out of hand fast. Let's move on

Ok now we're starting to getting into the Ireland of it all. Let me go on a bit of a tangent here about all this.. Now I thinq there are just 3 possibilities. Either this is all a publicity stunt and there is some truth to the Ireland rumors, the entire thing could be bogus from some weirdo fan (ps, if a fan did write this I want you to know I fucking hate you. You did this to me), or it is a publicity stunt but Ireland is just more bullshit.

I am going to assume it was a publicity stunt, otherwise I just wasted my entire evening and I can't have that kind of mentality rn. Additionally, I'm Going to tinhat here for a second and say that the Ireland rumors are true, but the details are different.

I say this because if they were going to do filming in Ireland, they probably figured that that information would be impossible to hide. In essence, my completely unfounded hypothesis is that this leak was their fucked up little way of controlling the situation while simultaneously messing with us.

Ok tangent is over, returning to the casting calls. From the looks of it, dee starts a "scam" acting class and has some very devoted students (Note that Tony was also the name of the porn shop owner. Seems weird!) Presumably after the gang replaces her with a monkey as the title suggests.

Honestly, there isn't too much here that's a red flag to me... seems like a nice little dee-centric episode that is the link to the Dublin angle. Assuming I am At All right, this could be a genuine plotline for Dee. However, the monkey could be a red herring and there could be a whole different side plot with the guys. who's to say. Next one!

Ah yes this is the dennis we all know and despise.. no red flags for me here really, I'm also running out of steam because idk if it shows, but I am majorly sleep deprived atm. Anyway I'm going to the next one

Okay this is where things start getting weird again ough a migraine just hit, anyway back to my earlier point about how casting calls would never contains major spoilers bc the people who see these wont be under any kind of NDA..

These ones reveal that bonnie dies. Again, that info wouldn't be in a casting call.

But also they suggest charlie has a irish penpal named Shelley who is his biological father. First off charlie is illiterate, although as pointed out by @undeadbreeze shelley could also be communicating in symbols. However, this scenario is still unbelievable to me for a couple reasons:

1. Bonnie's last name is Kelly obviously, and we know it's her maiden name because Jack's last name is also Kelly. But Shelley's last name is... also Kelly? In the context of this big ol hoax, it feels like it was written to show that look! his last name is the same as charlie's! That's how you know that's his dad! But It would be way too big of a coincidence if charlie's dad happened to have the same last name bonnie.

And 2. There's the whole mystery of charlie's long-lost sister from 'charlie got molested' but never any mention of a brother which according to this, shelley has been pretending to be his brother for years. And we all know how much rcg loves their continuity, it seems uncharacteristically lazy to just tack this on without any prior buildup.

And finally let me talk about mac for a second and specifically the line in gus's summary "both are gay men who are attracted to the priesthood for all the wrong reasons"

Iasip has commented on pedophilia in the priesthood many times in the past which leads me to believe that they are implying that mac is a pedophile? Please let me know if I completely misread the implications of that statement, but if not, then that is completely insane and one of the biggest indictators that this is fake. Mac is awful, just like everyone in the gang but he is definitely not a pedophile.

However even if i did completely misread that, it's still proof this is fake.. For all his faults, Rob put a surprising amount of care and effort into mac's coming-out. It hasn't been perfect, but Mfhp in particular firmly established that mac's faith is integral to his identity so Its unlikely that rob would throw all of that away for a cheap shot at priests.

Ok my brain is irradiated sludge at this point, but in conclusion. I hope that 1. I'm right, at least about it being fake (Otherwise damb that'll be so humiliating for me) And 2. This eases ur fears a bit. I don't want to lose all faith in future seasons bc I love iasip and miss the gang. If you read this far youre insane but I literally love you so goddamn much because I spent so so long tapping this out on my silly little phone

Please feel free to add on or message me your thoughts and opinions I need to know I'm not the only one who uhhh went a bit insane. And finally: whoever made these is a cunt. Mwah.

#iasip #s15 spoilers #oy vey..... #they could also be written by a reddit fan who is too much of a pussy to just write fanfic but that seems kinda unlikely? #cause 1. itll be disproven so everyone will know u just... wrote weird fanfic #and 2. there are a lot of little details that are so random that even if this is a fan just messing with people.... why put in so much effo #wahtever im pressing post #actually tho what gge fuck is that priest line supposed to imply #i guess for mac it could be talking about his view that god smites enemies and u must fear him blah blah #i jus don't know what it was supposed to imply about gus!!! #bc they describe gus like he is fat mac with healthy views on the bible which :] #then that last line just gives me whiplash what does that mean!!

[alecxaheart]

Someone's Someone | Bang Chan Oneshot (1)

✎ Genre : CEO AU, Soulmate AU, Fluff

✎ Pairings : Bang Chan X Reader

✎ Word Count : 3.5k words

✎ Synopsis : We all just wanna be someone's someone that we can't live without. At this time, Chan was looking for his. And unexpectedly, he was already tied down to someone.

✎ Warnings : Explicit Language

✎. . . I actually just played my songs on shuffle then Monsta X's Someone's Someone played so.. yeah, I'm inspired. Also, this is my first post in tumblr btw. :)

✎ Parts : 1 , 2

The relaxing sounds of nature enveloped him as a whole. His shoulders less tense and eyes closed as he sat on the cooled sand, facing the burning star and calm waters ahead. Seagulls could be heard in the distance as they caught themselves a dinner to eat. The refreshing cool wind hit his body, slightly making him shiver for a second. Waves, created by the sea and wind, kisses the shore repeatedly. For once, he was far away from worries, stress, fears and regrets. Just him, contented with the company of nature.

As he fluttered his eyes open, he was met with a stunning view of the sun meeting the ocean. The ocean reflecting the sun's visuals as well as the sky above it. Even though the reflection was blurry, it's still pleasing to the eye. Just perfectly imperfect.

However in his opinion, it wasn't stunning as it seems. This secret escapade paradise of his doesn't quite appeal to him yet. A missing piece that could be anywhere on this wide world. That thought kind of bothers him every time.

Sighing, he figured that it was time to go back. He slipped onto his slippers and headed out of his escapade paradise with a head hung low. Hopping on an enormous boulder that happened to break the wired fence and fixated there, having easier access to and from the place than climbing over the fence.

With a last glance towards his escapade, he knew he'll be coming back and that next time will be the scenery he's been looking for, hopefully.

Frustrated with the task at hand, Chan ran his fingers through his blonde locks as he leaned back on his chair and head facing upwards toward the ceiling. Taking a brief break from a whole 6 hours straight of writing and staring at the monitor. Followed by him grabbing his coffee and taking a sip, eyes boring on the monitor. He was just half finished with his paperworks at the time of nightfall, which made him more in distress and felt crammed.

His eyes then wandered around his office, landing onto the view of the opposite building of his company in the end. Where he could see the workers of the Marketing Department bidding their goodbyes to one another, closing the lights and exiting the room. Oh, how much he too wanted to leave and rest right at this moment. Although his belief of 'getting things done before going into slumber' is preventing him to do so (even though he already got a lot of things done). With a sigh, he faced back in front of his monitor and papers, determined to get everything done before tomorrow starts.

" Sunbae-nim, aren't you coming with us? We're having dinner at the Chicken & Barbecue restaurant just a block away from here. " Seungmin asked, grabbing his suitcase below his desk. You leaned back on your chair while stretching your cramping arms and a yawn escaping your mouth.

" As much as I want to, Seungmin, I can't, " You started, rubbing your temples to ease your aching head. " Because our new boss literally gave me 5 thick documents to finish before tomorrow morning without any mercy. And that's just bullshit. I don't even think I'm halfway through it! " Seungmin replied with a chuckle to your short rant, an amused expression written on his soft face. You were having another small mental breakdown as you stared at your unfinished pile of work, feeling your soul escape your body.

" I think you're overreacting. "

" Well, what if I am?! "

Laughing, Seungmin leans his side on your cubicle, looking over at your messy desk filled with sticky notes, papers and pens. " I don't think it's that much. You're lucky that your boss isn't here to hear any of your complaints, " He muttered as he took a peek at one of your documents. You scoffed, not my fault that I'm not as good as you.

" Hear what? "

Frantically, you immediately hide yourself behind your cubicle and pretend that you were focusing on your work. On the other hand, Seungmin casually brushed his navy blue coat with his palms and lifted himself off from the cubicle. Making it all seem like nothing happened.

" Oh, it's nothing, Ms. Ka- " Seungmin paused as he met the owner of the voice who wasn't the person they were expecting to be there. " M-Mr. Bang?! " He stuttered, eyes widened at the blonde headed CEO. Seeing in the corner of your eyes, Seungmin bowed ninety degrees at him as a sign of respect. Even with his heated glare on you, you continued your work like no CEO even entered. Thanks to your cute height, for sure you wouldn't be spotted.

" What are you doing here? Working hours are done. "

Seungmin stood straight and scratched the back of his head. Curiosity slowly arose in you as seconds passed - since you've never met a CEO called by your colleague as ' Mr. Bang ' - although as much as possible, you didn't let go out of hand and kept your focus on the documents silently. The least thing you wanted to happen to you right now is get caught by one of the company's CEO. " I was about to head out, Mr. Bang, " Finding an excuse, he pulled up his sleeve to check the time on his wristwatch. " Uhm.. Yeah, I'm late for dinner. Sorry, Mr. Bang, I have to leave right now. Have an great night! "

With a last bow to the CEO, Seungmin dashed his way out of the building, leaving you alone with your work. The blonde head noticed how the room was still lit up despite it being unoccupied, which he thought. Heading to the switches, everything around you darkened. The only source of light you had was the monitor, and Chan caught it in the corner of his eye.

" Is someone still there? " His voice, catching a bit of foreign accent with it, echoed in the hushed area.

Baffled as he approached that light with a few slow strides, you freaked out mentally. Swiftly but silently, you left your chair and hid yourself underneath the desk next to yours. As he neared your cubicle, you held your breath, slowly starting to feel lightheaded. You don't know what are the consequences if you get caught after working hours since you're still kind of new - got hired just 5 months ago. Dumb you overthink random shit first before even going to the thing called 'common sense' and the rules you heard just goes in one ear then out on the other.

The moment Chan was about to reach your cubicle and take a glance to his right, the sound of marimba playing a soft tune echoed in the room. Stopping in his tracks, he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket and grabbed it, swiping to the right to answer the call. You let out a hushed yet shaky sigh of relief, your shoulders less tense than a while ago. In your mind played a chant, thanking whoever was your savior.

Chan narrowed his eyes at the back of your cubicle while his phone is still pressed against his ear, listening to the person on the other line's complaints. " I'm on my way. Don't do anything stupid, " Not too soon you hear heels clacking against the polished marble tiles, the noise fainting as he left the room.

It took you a good couple of seconds to get out of your hiding spot (since you had to catch your breath and calm your heart down from the thrill), slightly shaking your whole body first before heading back to your seat and continuing your pile of work. Mentally groaning at yourself.

Oh. My. Gosh. These. Eyebags.

Is the first thing you thought as you looked at yourself in the mirror. The cause of it appearing badly because you obviously lacked sleep. All due to the time allotted for slumber was consumed by finishing your 5 thick documents that will be passed this morning. You could've cared less if today wasn't a work day, which fortunately for you it was still work day and these damn documents aren't gonna pass themselves to your boss this instant.

Fumbling around in your bag, you found your makeup kit and started fixing yourself. A little bit of touch ups here and there, just a little to look like it's still more natural than a lot to look like a plastic doll barbie.

Once satisfied, you smiled sweetly at yourself just to start your day nicely and exit your household. While walking on your way to the train station, incoherent mumbling leaves your mouth. A train of thoughts clouding you about your worries if you've left something important behind. In all honesty despite of your current good looks, you look stupid or crazy for talking to yourself in public. Well, at least you aren't as worse as someone yelling nonsense.

" I have all my files, identification card, phone, wallet, pocket knife 'cause anything could happen, keys- " you paused as soon as you misplaced your shoes at the edge of the last stair, falling forward. Luckily for you, you caught yourself and regained your balance. Wide eyed, you saw a kid, a giddy smile plastered on his face as he saw your commotion with a lollipop in hand. You felt embarrassed but laughed it off anyway, a light tint of pink decorating your cheeks.

You rushed towards the gates as soon as you realized the time with the card in between your fingers. Three beeps emitted from the machine when the gates opened after you placed the card on the scanner. With a few more strides, you caught up to your train ride as it was about to leave. You sighed in relief and sat down on a vacant bench, head automatically leaning back on the window. Your eyes boring at the ceiling while taking steady breaths after your short marathon on the way.

On the other hand, across you sat Chan. His right leg crossed over the other while scrolling through his phone. He wore a button up shirt, the first two still unbuttoned revealing more of his chest. His navy blue tie hung loose around his neck while his coat is still folded around his arm. His slacks were the same color as his tie and coat and wore black pointed shoes to finish the statement of his overall clothing. Blonde hair locks were scattered around his face but still managed to look stunning and attractive.

You haven't noticed his presence, so did he to you, and the fact that you both don't know each others' appearance even though you go to the same company just adds to the reason for you two's ignorance to one another's existence.

You got yourself to go back to slumber comfortably in your current position although you know when you wake up, you'll be greeted by your neck aching. Hopefully you don't miss your stop while gaining more sleep. The train swaying you lightly from time to time that you found quite relaxing, like a cradle rocking back and forth lightly to put a baby to sleep.

A child was running around the train with a joyful smile, giggling. He only stopped in his tracks when he reached in between you and Chan. His eyes glowed like there were stars decorated around his chocolate brown pupil when he eyed you two. Looking around, he spotted a roll of red thread underneath your bench and grabbed it. He thought it was just right.

With you being the closest, he starts to tie the thread around your pinky finger. You were too tired to even feel his small cold fingers run around your fingers nor the string tighten around it. Once done, he smiled to himself, his dimples appearing on either side of his cheeks and eyes forming into small crescents.

He left your side and skipped over in front of Chan, who was now too deep in thought as he gazed outside the window and his phone tucked in his pocket. Holding the other end of the thread, he wrapped it around Chan's thumb. Chan's body shook in surprise as he felt cold fingers ghosting above his hand and averted his attention to the child. He saw him knotting the red string tightly, strange that he barely even feels the string tightened around his thumb. " What are you doing? " he questioned although the child only responded with a bright smile, followed by a giggle.

The child turned and ran away from him, more giggles leaving his lips. Chan stood up and tried to chase him. But stopped as soon as he saw the child in the distance, dissolving into little particles in thin air and completely vanished in his sight. In disbelief, he rubbed his eyes and looked for the child around his area. Thinking that he was out of his mind, he sighed in defeat. There's no way anyone could do that in reality. It's either I'm insane or living in a fantasy or a chosen one blessed to see ghosts. Maybe, all of the above.

Chan looked down on his thumb, following where the other end lead to. Then, he spotted your sleeping beauty state, the other end attached to your pinky finger. With the sun rising in the horizon, a ray of gold-like light shines through the window, casting a shadow on you. And he thought you looked mesmerizing like that, peaceful and lovely. At least he wasn't tied up with a bitch or a hag.

Your eyes slowly fluttered open as the sun shined upon you. Squinting at its brightness, you raised a hand above your eyes to see more, only finding a red string wrapped around your pinky finger. You examined it, wondering what prank is anyone even planning and why did it have to involve you out of all people. Before anything stupid could happen, you attempted to loose the knot, ignoring the curiosity for a while of where the other end was. Looping and tugging it, even tried to chomp on it with your teeth, but all attempts failed. Well, that's until you gave up, untying it was impossible, unbelievably there's a knot that couldn't be untied. Sounded like marriage when you think about it, but there's the annulment and divorce ruining the picture.

Tearing your gaze at the string, you caught a pair of bewitching dark brown eyes staring back at you. In that particular moment, everything just froze in place. Time has stopped just for the two of you, you thought.

You felt your heart melting, probably from the warmth emitting in your body or from the warmth his eyes give off as you saw little sparks decorating the pupil. Unfamiliar light feathers tickling the insides of your stomach is what you felt other than the heat and that thawing heart of yours. Your mind knew it well that you shouldn't feel this way towards someone who you just met but your body and heart reacted so differently. There's just something about him that made you feel so exposed and vulnerable in his eyes that you couldn't come up with a possible answer to your 'why's.

Both of you didn't notice how seconds turned into minutes, too lost into one another's orbs. That was until the train stopped, causing Chan to break the eye contact and lose his balance. Before his hands made contact on the metal floor, he took a step forward in order to regain his balance which he successfully did. A small chuckle left your lips, eyes turning into crescents as you saw the commotion. He narrowed his eyes at you as the train was back in motion.

Chan fixed his clothes first before asking, " Who are you? ". Grabbing the pole next to him to prevent him from falling again on the next stop.

" Shouldn't I be asking you that as well? " You replied with a gummy smile, which quickly faded when you remembered what's the problem.

" What is this on my finger and why is it connected to yours? What kind of trickery is anyone pulling? Why am I involved in this? " You kept firing questions at him while he stayed there unbothered. Unlike you who did some more attempts to remove the thread, silly you even tried aggressively shaking your hand in hopes of making it a little loose. But no prevail happened once again.

" Just get rid of it. I didn't want this too, you know. " Chan taps his foot impatiently as he eyed your useless attempts.

" I am trying! " You exaggerated. Deciding to bring out the best tool you have for the situation in hand, your hands fumbling in your bag. Once you felt the cool metal on your fingertips, you brought it out and flipped it open.

Chan's eyes widened at the sight of the pocket knife in your palms. " You carry that on a daily basis? Are you insane? "

You rolled your eyes in annoyance. " It's not insane when it's used for self-defense purposes. I'm too nice to be the murderer you're assuming, " You replied, head throbbing as things aren't going well with the charming blonde.

He responded just before the blade and thread were in contact, starting with a scoff. " Yeah sure, nice. Anyone can wear that façade anywhere. "

" You know what, " You started as you withdrew the pocket knife back and glared at him afterwards, pissed off. " You deal with this shit yourself, I'm done with my part and I could care less about this red thread anyway. You look like you don't need any of my help 'cause you look fancier than me and it seems like you're not taking any gratitude towards my kindness. Damn these crazy rich people. " You threw the tool towards his direction and looked away from him, arms crossed. Chan instinctively caught it without getting any cuts despite the fact it's closed, his eyes burning through your figure in fury.

" If I actually got wounded instead from your little stunt, I would've sued you this instant, " He growled, only to be ignored by you.

Irritated by your sudden change of attitude, Chan flipped it open and skillfully ran the blade through the string. Only for it to just fall through like the string never existed, ghost-like perhaps. " It's not cutting, what the hell, " Chan muttered under his breath as he tried a few more times again.

"It's just a string, how could a- " You spoke as you turned your head back to his direction, only to be cutted off as you witnessed the unusual. Mouth a little bit agape in disbelief. The thread didn't fall apart even while the blade was just sitting in between of it on air. Maybe that explains why you could barely even feel the thread wrapped securely around your finger. You could tell that this stunning blonde head was just as puzzled as you were.

" Sir, if you're having any problems that includes this woman, we can sort it out. Just withdraw the knife first please, " a man suddenly blurted out, his voice a little bit shaky. That's when you realized the commotion you both have caused, everyone around you two took steps back away. All had fear in their eyes.

" Wait, you don't see the thread we're trying to cut? " Chan questioned, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. At that, he was more misunderstood.

" There's no thread..? " With that, it got the two of us surprised. Is the crazy one here them, who couldn't see this string, or us, who could?

Chan tried to explain our situation thoroughly but when he was about to speak up, out of the blue, a voice spoke in the speakers. " Please mind the gap, " You immediately grabbed his arm, carried his belongings and dragged him out of the train. Leaving its passengers confused as they eyed us. They might be thinking that you two are idiots.

The doors just shut a second later when you two got out. You felt a bit suffocated for an unknown reason, your hand reaching for your chest where you could feel your heart beating. Panting, you shoved Chan's belongings into his chest. " Are you alright? " He asked as he tried to place a hand on your back, the least thing he could do to comfort you.

But his hand only stopped in mid-air when you took your last deep breath, replying. " Let's just part ways here, " Saying those words felt a bit disheartening at some point, yet you chose to disregard it.

You walked forwards, while Chan stayed in his position, wearing his coat and fixing his tie. Although, something stopped you. As in you couldn't go forwards as much as you force to. Well when you did force yourself, it only tugged Chan towards you. Turning around, he was already eyeing you. " What was that for?! "

Glaring at the thread, you thought out loud, " Is this string telling me, it can only stretch itself approximately at 7 meters?! "

Continue

#stray kids #skz chan #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #bang chan #chan #stray kids bang chan #stray kids chan #stray kids oneshot #bang chan imagines #bang chan oneshot #stray kids oneshots #kpop oneshot #kpop imagines #kpop #skz #kpop scenarios #stray kids fluff #stray kids bang chan scenarios #skz fluff #fluff #ceo au #soulmate #soulmate au #straykidznet #sk-writersnet #alecxaheart

[thefallenbibliophilequote]

I Wish You Would

Loki x Reader

1989, chapter 7

"He drove past her street each night"

Summary: It's hard to find the one, but even if you do find him it's always going to be a daily struggle to make it work. Can you even make it work after he broke your heart? The answer to that is complicated, but it all started when you found each other again in the Stark Tower- and that's where our story begins.

Word count: 2,896

Warnings: angst, alcohol, poison, only a pinch of fluff. Not in that particular order.

A/N: this one has more Loki than the last. And... I'm sorry. Also, the timeline is important from the last chapter and forward, so keep it in your mind.

A/N2: @chrissquares made me these awesome dividers! And dear @nacho-bucky beta read this for me!

No one is allowed to repost my writing or steal or copy my work! Reblog on tumblr is fine.

Series masterlist

Song on Spotify and YouTube

"We won't be able to control the dwarves for long, we need to calm them down soon or they will attack."

"Your Highness, we need a plan of attack to keep them from breaching through their borders, some shield spell or-" A different councilman piped up.

"No, what we need is to keep peace. We need a negotiator to help maintain order. No more endless war, we can solve it without offence." The Allfather looked at his counsel until his eyes fell on his son who sat quietly throughout the whole meeting. "Loki, I want you to go and calm the situation down, solve it peacefully."

Loki looked up at his father, his stern gaze left no place to argue.

"Yes father." Loki got up after that, getting ready for the long day ahead of him. But before he could go his father's voice stopped him.

"I expect that when you'll be back you will make arrangements to make up with Lady Iyllir for your past behaviour."

"My first priority now is with the negotiation I need to handle." With a thin smile Loki walked away from his father, now with newfound determination to leave Asgard soon.

He stayed there longer than he wanted to. Apparently their species didn't sleep as often as Asgardians do. When he finally got back to the palace, he teleported right into his room and got in bed; he was never more grateful for his powers than now. Through all of his tiredness though, the moment his head hit the pillow you plagued his mind and sleep faded away from him as you pulled him closer into your dangerous clutches.

He felt as if he was the same heartbroken guy he was before everything happened. She took over his dreams after he let her go, and if he was being honest he let her. He'd imagine her next to him, holding his shattered heart together just enough for him to be able to go to sleep, keeping it as close together as she could until the morning came and she was no longer there and the pieces were all scrambled again. He woke up and remembered that you weren't next to him, and no matter how much he'll conjure her up he knew she won't be you. A face identical to yours still doesn't feel like you.

You were so much more than just a figure to him, he could conjure her up and she would be just like you with the same smile and eyes but beyond that she was nothing but empty. She wasn't you because you had a soul that he could feel just by being close to you, and you had emotions behind those brilliant eyes and sincerity behind the smile. You were so much more than a trick of the eye.

He couldn't even touch her.

Last time, after he left you he was ruined, knowing that he had no way to undo what he did- he had no way back, especially after the fall. But now he knew that even if he would go back and knock on your door- you won't let him in. He knew he would only shatter the peace you could have had if he hadn't barged into your life and wrecked you all over again. He was a selfish man but you wouldn't let him in your door again. Loki wasn't dumb by any means, he knew that you meant what you said and he couldn't blame you.

Sleep decided to claim him, but he could only hope you won't be there too haunting his dreams.

"Are you sure this is wise?" Loki voiced out his doubts as you picked your head out of the blanket fort the two of you spent the afternoon making only to shake your head at him.

"Yes, it is like the best thing ever," were mortals so destructive that they enjoyed lacking their needed sleep time? He was certain midgardians needed more sleep than him and it was rather crucial for them. "I cannot believe you've never had a movie marathon!"

"I don't see the point of sitting in front of your screen for many hours without any break, we could just as easily watch one and on another occasion the other. Why the rush to do things we can just do another time?"

"Time is short, and you have to live in the moment. There is nothing wrong with spending just one day as if you're running out of time with someone, actually that is something endearing in a way." He watched as you got lost in thought before your eyes focused on his again and he knew you won't let him deny this. So the god of mischief entered the warm steady fort you created, well it wasn't actually that steady but you didn't need to know the little magic he used on it.

He had to admit that the little nest the two of you built was quite charming, it was odd how such a delicate thing could give one the feeling of safety.

"Come on we are starting the first movie!"

"You still haven't told me, who is this Potter?" he picked up the disc and examined its packaging.

"I love it when you say that with your accent! And he is a wizard!" you giggled at him and put a bowl of popcorn in between the two of you as the movie started playing.

"Are you trying to tell me that this guy is doing magic?" It was preposterous to know that this is how humans perceive magic. He wished he could show you what real magic is like, maybe one day he will.

"I know! it's amazing! I love Sci-fi so much." The movie kept playing on with him making snarky comments at the characters and with you giggling and defending the movie.

The movies went on one after the other and he might have gotten emotional over some scenes, not that he showed it of course.

It was in the fifth movie that he felt a soft weight on his shoulder and when he looked to the side he saw you laying your head on him with your eyes closed. At this point the snacks were pushed aside and you had gotten closer to him and now you fell asleep on him, your bodies touching and he doesn't know why but he held his breath then. You let yourself to be in such a vulnerable state with him, in this makeshift fort, and his body reacted to it more than it should have. With each loud fast beat of his heart realization fell upon him. He didn't know what it was just yet, but he understood it.

It was odd, the feeling he got, he had never been this enchanted with someone before- let alone a human. You seemed to have some sort of effect on him that he couldn't shake off even when you weren't around him. You caused these blooming feelings to erupt inside of him and it was unlike anything he had ever experienced before. And all you did was fall asleep with your head on his shoulder. The god of mischief was falling in love.

•

It was 1am and you might have just stolen Tony's car alongside some expensive bottles he had locked away.

You just had to get out of there, the thoughts got too loud and the dreams got more vivid, so you knew exactly where you needed to go to get your mind straight and maybe drink some wine.

No one knew about the apartment that you kept even after moving into the Tower. The only other person that knew about it was Tony, who bought it and kept it there just for you, clear of annoying neighbours in a silent neighborhood.

Getting into the apartment you shivered at the cold, so you turned on the AC and popped open the first bottle of wine.

So you sat there with the bitter sweet wine scenting the room. So far you had no luck of forgetting the young prince, his taste and smell easily overpowered the alcohol if you focused on them strongly enough.

You almost did.

But with each sip you got sent back into a kaleidoscope of memories. Headlights pass the window pane and sent you aware to a far memory.

"Why are you dressed up like that?" Loki raised an eyebrow at you when he took a sit at the dining room table and you put a drink in front of him. He grew quite fond of midgardian drinks, they were much better than mead. You closed the window and the curtain, the bright light outside was blinding you. It was too early in the morning for that.

"Like what?" you stretched your arms and hem of your night shirt went up a bit and revealed skin that Loki tried not to look at.

"Still in your sleep wear."

"It's morning and I'm not going anywhere." You shrugged him off and sat down in front of him.

"Are you not going to change because I'm here?" he kept his eyes on your face.

"No, I'm comfortable." You shrugged him off again and began to eat your toast. Your answer however lingered in the back of your head.

"Alright," he answered and took a sip. "I'm just saying that it's not fitting for a lady to be dressed like this."

He knew how much you hated being called that. His smirk was hidden by his cup of coffee.

"You son of a bitch… don't call me that."

"Not call you what, my lady?" you pointed your fork at him and he couldn't help but think how adorable you look like this.

"Call me Lady one more time and I'll show you exactly how not lady-like I am."

"Okay, fine!" he watched as you brought your cup to your lips only to realize that you drank all of your tea. "Come on, I'll make you another cup of tea as an apology."

You let him take your empty cup with a satisfied smile. When he was in the kitchen you wandered to the question he asked and the immediate answer that you gave him. It took you a second to get out of your thoughts when you realized something.

"Oh wait Loki you don't know how I make my-" you got up to the kitchen only to open the door right to Loki who just gave you the tea he just made. He moved past you and sat at the table.

You hesitantly took a sip, only to sigh in content- it was perfect.

"You know how I like my tea." It was a statement but you were still fazed by that fact as you sat down. His reply was short.

"Well of course I do."

It was odd how such a simple thing as that could make your heart flutter with a feeling that you haven't felt in a long while but you knew exactly what it was.

•

Three months ago in Asgard.

Asgard looked beautiful in the morning. Loki stood in his room next to his window which overlooked the garden. His mind wasn't in Asgard though, and he had a decision to make, one that was waiting for him the moment he steps out of that door.

He knew that it's been almost a month since he left you and you told him to never come back. He had to find a way to move on even if he couldn't. He'd call it a coincidence if it weren't just unfortunate luck.

He was well aware of his options and the fact that there were none, and while he'd rather perish in his own misery a part of him still knew that he would have to take the other choice.

You'd never take him back, not after what happened when the two of you were well aware that the heartbreak would come, not now that you knew who he is.

Without letting himself think any further Loki went out of his room and descended a floor down until he stood outside of the large doors. He gently knocked on them. Who knew, maybe this will someday give him some twisted peace?

The door opened and there she stood in a flowery gown, Lady Iyllir.

"My lady, I've come here to apologize for my past behaviour. I would very much like it if we could resume the plan for our marriage."

•

You threw one bottle of wine aside, it was 2am but you couldn't even drink, you couldn't do anything. You just wished that he would come back and be here. He could always read your mind even when he assured you that he wasn't actually reading your mind.

"Please Loki, I miss you too much to be mad anymore, just come back."

You knew deep inside you that you'll never be clean of him; you'll never forget him for as long as you'll live. If you could, you'd rush all the way to Asgard for him, throwing away your stupid pride.

Maybe he will knock on the door, maybe he is on his way. You humored yourself but the hope was still there.

Yes you told him to leave but what you really wanted was for him to be there on the other side of the door screaming "I'm in love with you" or maybe he'll wait there in the pouring rain and throw pebbles at your window.

How did the god of lies not see it? Why couldn't he see that when you told him to leave you wanted him to chase after you and fight for you?

"I need you Loki, I do."

Then there was a knock on your door, you were sure you imagined it. But it was real and a smile took over your face when you went towards the door. He heard you.

Everything you needed was right there on the other side of the door, with his face and his beautiful blue eyes, and even with the conversations with the little white lies.

You rushed to open the door after he knocked on it again.

But he didn't have his blue eyes.

"Mike?" you really thought that Loki would show up for you. Your smile fell.

"You seemed off today darling," he walked past you into the living room. "I thought you might want some company."

In your state of disappointment you shook yourself out of it and closed the door. You had a boyfriend, you didn't have Loki. You won't have Loki.

"Oh, thank you. That is very thoughtful of you." He put some bags of food and drinks on the counter and came back to you. He wrapped you up in a hug. He may not be Loki, but you needed a hug right now so you held onto him.

"I know that as an Avenger it must be rough, with the missions and the constant danger," he brought you to sit on the couch with him. "I understand that it could get hard, but I'm proud of you for doing that and I want you to know that I am here for you."

He was saying everything you needed to hear, and so you nodded into his chest. Loki was wild and crazy but here you have a guy who is steady and stable and your heart can't seem to listen to logic.

At least he's here.

"I'll get us something to drink and then we can talk about it if you want, okay?" you nodded at him again as he got up and went to the kitchen.

You straightened your shirt until he got back with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

"Oh, I already have wine right there-" you looked back at the half bottle that was left and cringed.

"Don't worry, I'm sure you'll like this one. Plus this one is brand new." He tried to joke but you wished he hadn't seen how much you drank already. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to drink more but you needed it.

You took the glass with the red liquid. Testing it, you shook it in the glass and sent the burning red liquid down your throat. It was pretty good, you had to admit. It had an unusual taste to it that you couldn't quite figure out.

"It's from Europe." He smiled and you smiled back lightly.

You talked to him and didn't really care that you finished your glass of wine soon and he poured you another one.

The alcohol must have started to get to you, you felt a little spacey, the smell of the alcohol made you feel weird.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" he laughed at you a bit and put his glass on the table.

"I asked you if you're okay, do you feel better now?" it was starting to get a bit hot in the room, you forgot to turn off the AC, you looked around for the remote.

"Yeah I'm just- didn't you drink from your wine?" you looked at the full glass on the table. Your head was starting to hurt and you picked up the glass, the weird smell came back to you and the world felt blurry around you.

"No, I'm afraid I am not here to drink."

•

Tags: @ayybtch @buckys-other-punk @chaoticpete @madcrazy50 @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @the-departed-potato @rogerrhqpsody @onceupona-happilyeverafter-love @percabethismyotp14

#loki #loki x reader #my writing #i wish you would #1989 #1989 taylor's version #1989 loki's version #loki odinson x reader #loki odinson #loki fluff #loki angst #loki series #loki show #loki fanfic #loki fanfiction #loki x female reader #loki imagine #loki laufeyson #marvel #taylor swift

[shnuggletea]

InuKagWeek 2020

Alright, to those of you still here, thank you! To those of you who left... eh, it's your choice. Anyway, here is chapter two day two of InuKagweek 2020! Loyalty. @inukag-week thanks for the poster art and here’s my day two! Still working on my own art for this piece. Something I was working on a while ago and quit. Hence why Kagome looks way better if you ask me. Thank you @petri808​ for showing me a few tricks for my posts on tumblr!

Chapter 2 of 8 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8

Fanfiction link HERE

AO3 link HERE

Or if you’d rather, just reading reading!

Loyalty

If I'm being honest, I never had a job in food service. But I had to assume they were all the same mostly. Things like learning the names of the drinks and the regular customers as well as how to handle a tray filled with heavy things were to be expected. However, given my place of 'work', getting grabbed, touched, and pinched wasn't. Two weeks later and I was as used to it as you could be. When you go from living in a girls home, sharing a room, and counseling sweet innocent children to your own space in a mansion and bringing drinks backstage to the dancers, it would never feel normal.

The girls were nice enough though and I never saw Inuyasha which I was fine with. Mostly.

I'd even made friends with most of those that worked there. Some were just there to strip and make money so a little inexperienced waitress wasn't worth their time. Which was fine. But my favorite was a girl named Sango.

Her eyes brightened at the sight of me, a smile on her pretty face as she paused in putting on her fake lashes. I handed off the other drinks, giving Sango her whiskey sour last. "Oh, I do love the nights you're working Kagome."

"Which is every night?"

Sango giggled, taking a sip and moaning her appreciation of the flavor. "Yes. But you are so quick with our orders. The others take forever."

"I just don't want you guys going without some liquid courage. I couldn't do what you guys do."

Sango tisked her tongue at me as I leaned against her vanity table. "It's not that bad. I mean, the audition was a little awkward."

"Audition?"

Sango went back to her makeup, lining her lips with a dark red lipstick. "Yeah. Having to get naked in from of the boss? That was nerve-wracking, wasn't it? Naomi told me she had to do the same thing even as a server. You had to too right?"

I shuttered. So everyone had to do that? Inuyasha had slept with every single girl in this place as an audition? Was that what that was? I lost my virginity to a man like that?

I swallowed my disgust and the rising vomit in my throat, suddenly feeling a desperate need to get checked for STDs because he definitely didn't wear a condom with me, and pushed off the table. "I should get back to it."

"Yep yep. Don't want the boss to catch you slacking!"

As if he could, he was never here. Too busy 'auditioning' more girls. The only one here every day, giving me a hard time, was Koga. He was always somewhere around the club, waiting to bark at me for doing something wrong or touch me. It was never in an inappropriate place but it was still unwanted. A hand on my shoulder or a push to my back. Once, he patted my butt and I nearly tore his arm off. He hasn't done it since but I see him do it to the others all the time.

Returning to one of my tables, I leaned in to be heard over the loud music. The girl on stage now was talented for sure so I was always surprised when anyone gave me their attention over those on stage. Probably thanks to the required low cut top I had to wear. It wasn't even a top really, it was a vest and I barely fit in it. There definitely wasn't room for a bra. And the pants sat low on my hips so my skin showed all the time. Every time I leaned over, I waited for a breast to fall out. Not that anyone would mind, save for me.

Plastering a smile on my face, I listened as the guy I was attending rattled off a drink order as slowly as he could to keep me there longer. It was a struggle to keep my fake smile up. He finally finished, certain he was touching himself under the table the whole time, I fled to the bar. Far from safe, it still had fewer men ogling me at it.

I rested, waiting for my order and Naomi stood next to me. "Hey, Kagome? I'm not really sure I should say something but...there's a guy here who keeps sitting in my section and watching you."

I suppose stalkers were a normal thing here. It didn't mean I was okay with it. "He's watching me? With that going on?"

I thumbed towards the stage as Sango did a super sexy split on the pole. Not sure what I'd do with myself if I was ever that sexy but it was nice to dream. "Well...I've only been here a few days but yeah. I wasn't going to tell you until I was sure. I mean he's far less creepy than the other guy that watches you…"

"There are two guys watching me?!"

She grabbed my shoulders to reassure me. "I'm not really sure! I haven't even been here a week yet. But it seems like this guy is definitely here to watch you. He sits in the corner booth in the back so he can see you but you never seem to see him…" I gently pulled from her hold and made the quick decision to face the creep. "Wait, Kagome!"

I waved back to her, heading off towards the mentioned table. "Don't worry, I won't get you in trouble."

I didn't have to go all the way to the table, figuring out pretty quickly who it was. Shaking my head and growling a laugh in irritation, I walked right up to Inuyasha who looked a little taken aback that I seemed to notice him. Crossing my arms over my chest served two purposes; hiding my overexposed breasts and showing him how pissed I was at him in general. How the hell did Naomi not know who this was? She auditioned for him last week!

Setting his drink down carefully, he cleared his throat over the loud music and adjusted his seat. "I just wanted to check on you, that's all. See how my investment was holding up."

That wasn't good enough for me and I told him as much by not changing or saying a thing.

"This is my club, damnit, I can come in and do whatever the fuck I want."

"Yes you can, Boss," Koga said, coming up from behind out of nowhere. "Everything up to your standards?"

There was something about Koga. He said one thing but clearly felt another. Inuyasha had to be ignoring it, no way he missed the indignation in Koga's demeanor. "Everything is fine, Koga. Except for your customers getting too handsy with the wait staff!"

To my added irrigation, Koga put his hands on my shoulders as if to hold me steady. Never did I ever need another to keep me steady or still and now wasn't the exception. I glared over my shoulder at him but he ignored me. But then his hands popped off me as if burned and I turned back to Inuyasha who looked ready to kill someone. And that someone was Koga so he stepped further away from me.

"I'll..uh...I'll see what I can do about that, Sir."

Just the two of us again, I turned to leave but Inuyasha called out to me again. "Looks like you're blending in here. A real chameleon or just within your element here?"

Turning on my heel, I stormed back up to his table. Leaning over I put my finger as close to his face as I could. "I survive. It's what I've always done and those girls back at the home wouldn't if they were tossed out on the street. So remember that when you think I'm okay with any of this. With you, this place, getting my ass grabbed daily, or even going through your audition. I'm a survivor and I will survive this."

He had backed up a little in his seat but I'd rid the distance in an instant. Big golden eyes danced between my finger, eyes, and lips. "I can see that." I slowly removed myself from his bubble and he crossed his arms over his chest like he was the one wronged. "I said I was sorry the other night. I lost control and took things too far…"

"Do you say that to all the others too? Is this your blanket apology for using women the way that you do?"

He had been looking toward the exit but snapped back to me with my words. "What are you talking about?"

I huffed, pissed to the point of tears. "Fine. Play dumb. Stop coming here and watching me. I'm not going to screw up your stupid club."

He tried to say something but I really wasn't interested. It wasn't like we didn't live together, not that I ever saw him at home either. If he really wanted to talk to me, he could do it there.

I caught Koga grinning at me as I stormed away, feeling Inuyasha's glare on my back. All I could think was that I really had fallen into a den of demons somehow.

oOo

Checking every day, every hour, I didn't see Inuyasha return. A week had passed and he hadn't come back to the club. Meaning things went back to the way they were, not seeing or hearing from him at all. This time I was glad.

That is until I got to work on another Friday night.

The place was packed and Koga was far too pleased about it. "Kagome you're going on stage tonight."

"Wait, what?!"

"We're short-staffed and I've gotten requests. So you're dancing tonight. Be ready to go on after Kiki."

I was numb, staring at my reflection at the vanity that Sango let me use. She was doing something with my hair but I felt none of it. The only man I'd ever been naked in front of was Inuyasha and I was fine with that. It was a livable condition to my servitude. But now I was going to be naked in front of a ton more. As I said, the place was packed tonight so easily 50-60 people were going to see my bush.

"It's not that big a deal, Kagome, I promise."

"That's easy for you to say! You can dance! And you're super sexy."

Sango sat down beside her and frowned. "You're sexy!" When I frowned in return, she kept on. "You are! Plus, dancing isn't so bad. You're alone and no one is touching you. It's easy to pretend you're just dancing in front of your mirror. Stay out of the champagne rooms though. They touch a lot in there."

I'd heard about those rooms and had stayed clear the entire time I'd worked here. But I was a server. As a dancer, if someone paid to take me in there, didn't I have to go?

The question was bouncing around in my brain when the door to the dressing room slammed open. Inuyasha took a quick look around and when his eyes landed on me, they went from bronze to molten metal. The others squealed and ran while I was frozen in my seat, Sango stuck by me even as he stormed up and ripped me up from my seat. The only thing he said or did before dragging me out was grab a robe and throw it at me.

"Cover yourself."

In the bra and panty set I had worn there that night, cause no way in hell was I borrowing from anyone else, it was nearly my turn to go on but Inuyasha was taking us towards the exit. Koga stood near it, shaking with anger and...fear?

"I told you. I fucking warned you. She's not to go on the fucking stage. Ever. She can't even dance!"

"Look, I got requests, what was I supposed to do…"

"Tell them to fuck off, that's what! Jesus, what the hell do I pay you for?! When some asshole with a few bucks tells you what to do and you listen to them instead of me?"

Koga's head hung low but I didn't feel any pity in the slightest. "Sorry, Boss."

Inuyasha still had my hand in a death grip but he put his free one on Koga's shoulder. It was the kindest act I'd ever seen him do. "If anyone bothers you, you call me. Got it?"

I didn't get to see how Koga reacted, Inuyasha pulling us out into the night. He stopped, only to wrap his coat around me before shoving me into his car. The ride was silent until I could take it no longer. Anger was surging in me. Sure, he saved me but who asked him anyway?!

"I don't get you at all. You put me in a strip club to work but then get pissed because people want me to take off my clothes?"

"You're a server."

"IN A STRIP CLUB! What did you think was going to happen?!"

"I thought you'd do your fucking job!"

A dark laugh escaped my lips and Inuyasha turned to glare at me. "My fucking job? Interesting words coming from you. Considering you bought me to fuck you."

"I told you, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to …"

I wanted him to stop apologizing because it made the loss of my virginity a regret to him. I didn't regret it, I had enjoyed it until he opened his fat mouth! "It doesn't change a thing! Your apology doesn't change that night and it doesn't make my hymen magically grow back! And it doesn't change your complete lack of care for my feelings on the subject either!"

"Lack of care?!"

"I know I should be thankful...that things could be a lot worse…" I really tried not to, because I didn't want to give him my tears, but I couldn't stop them either. "But it's hard to feel anything but resentment when I went from being surrounded by angels all day to working for the devil."

I cut my sobs off after five escaped and Inuyasha listened to each one. It made me wonder if he got off on them until he spoke again. "The devil huh? That's how you see me?"

Nothing more was said even as we split off to our rooms. The devil going silently into his and I could honestly say for the first time that I hated someone. Cause I hated Inuyasha.

oOo

I half expected Inuyasha to show up at the club again the next day. But with him nowhere in sight two hours in, I considered him a no show and went about business as usual.

Sango was happy to see me, jumping up as soon as I entered the dressing room while everyone else seemed surprised to see me as well. "Oh man, last night was intense. You're okay, right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Inuyasha is just...weird…"

"Weird? I thought it was hot as hell. I wish I had a boyfriend that protective. I was wondering why you were just a server all this time but now I get it…"

"Wait," I stopped her ramble with a gentle hand in her face, "that guy is not my boyfriend."

"Huh? Then who the hell is he? The way he dragged you out of here I thought for sure he made you quit…."

"What the hell do you mean, who is he? He's the boss!"

Sango's face and those eavesdropping around us twisted in confusion. "No, Koga's the boss."

I looked around, finding faces that agreed. "Wait...so when you said you auditioned for the boss…"

"Yeah, Koga. He made us all strip for him in his tiny little office. I was scared he'd do more but that was it."

I felt faint, my head getting light and my breaths feeling shallow. "But I thought… Inuyasha…."

"Kagome? Are you alright?"

Sango was holding me up off the floor and I gripped her shoulders tight. "Yeah, I just… need some air…"

If she didn't have her first set in five minutes, I was sure Sango would have gone with me. As it was, I wasn't sure I wanted the company anyway, following her finger to the back door of the dressing room.

It was freezing out, middle of January, and snow falling lightly from the black sky above. The cold helped my brain though, forcing the sticky feeling inside it to freeze so it would function.

So when Inuyasha said he was sorry...what had he said? He didn't mean to, that he lost control. Did he never intend to sleep with me? He was Koga's boss but not the boss of the other women? How did that make sense? It was if he had some kind of loyalty and he was actually showing it to me but I didn't understand or know how to take it.

Damn, now I hated him a little less.

"Hey."

So lost in thought, I missed the guy standing nearby, smoking. He took a step closer and I took a step back. It pushed me into the dark and him into the light. The bright red bulb at the end of his cigarette as he took a long drag and then tossed it. His features were sharp and dangerous looking, even with his long, wavy locks that softened his appearance. It was his eyes really, they were dull and lifeless and set on her.

"You're...Kagome right?" I really didn't like that he knew my name. "I'm a bit of a fan of yours. I'm Naraku."

He stuck out a hand but I refused to remove mine from their wrapped position around my chest. Naraku chuckled as he dropped the offer, digging in his pocket for something so I took another step back. A new cigarette and lighter in his hands, I still didn't relax, trying to slide towards the door. If he noticed, he said and did nothing as I grabbed a hold of the handle and pulled with all my might. But the door didn't budge.

"It's locked from the outside. Usually, the girls leave something to block the door but I guess they didn't tell you about that, did they?" he was grinning while my skin was trying to find a new home far from him. "Why don't you dance? You have a killer body and are so damn sexy. Does Inuyasha have a reason for not letting you? I must admit, it has me curious about your relationship to him."

"We don't have a relationship past employee and employer."

He shook his head, clucking his tongue at me. "Koga is your boss. Or...isn't he?" I fidgeted, looking for a way out. "Oh...I see… you belong to Inuyasha, don't you? Just what is your title then?"

My only choice was to walk around the building to the front, which I was about to do when the door popped open and Sango's head appeared. "Kagome? There you are! Sorry, I forgot to warn you about the lock…"

I was breezing past her, not worrying about the slip-up and Sango was glaring at Naraku. "If you ever want a change of pace, Kagome, let me know."

The door slammed heavily behind us and I couldn't be happier. Sango was still looking behind us as if Naraku had a key he forgot to mention. "You should stay away from that guy, Kagome. I'm not sure why he's even allowed near the building."

"Why do you say that?"

She looked back at me, her face pale. "Well...he snaked away a few of the girls that worked here a few years ago to work at his house or something. He promised them more pay and no stripping. But the last I heard he was sleeping with all of them and only some of them were willing."

I didn't bother hiding my disgust, nearly vomiting on the dark tile below us. Sango looked sick too. We were making our way back towards the front, Sango required to 'meet and greet' after her show and get tips. I was supposed to get tips too but I think they all went to Inuyasha or something. They could all go to the home for all I cared, I was loyal to the cause.

Naomi ran up to us as soon as we made it out of the hall and into the main floor. "Kagome, someone is here for you."

If it was Naraku again, I was just going to slug him and call over Koga. But it wasn't him. It was Mother Kaede.

And Naraku shows up, so you know there's going to be issues. Drama. Angsty drama. Weeeeeee...

#inukag week #inuyasha fanfiction #inuyasha fandom #inuyasha x kagome #angsty #fluff coming soon #no lemons today

[charliesworkshop]

Señorita - A Bucky Barnes smut

Song inspiration: Señorita - Shawn Mendes, Camila Cabello

Pairing: Bucky x OFC (there's no name but I don't feel comfortable enough with my writing to do proper reader inserts)

Warnings: basically smut without plot, swearing, unprotected sex

AN: How do you add a "read more" on your phone? Asking for... me. I'm dumb. My posts are usually short, and not NSFW. HELP~ I posted this on my laptop with the "keep reading" thingy and it worked until I edited the post on my phone. It's just like Tumblr doesn't want me to write here.

Also, yes, I know on the gif there is SNOW and the ff states it's HOT, but that's the best I could do.

Saying goodbye to coworkers she walked through the hot kitchen of the diner she worked in, and out of the back entrance, only for employees and delivered. She gladly welcomed fresh night air, cool breeze making her more aware of sweat on her skin. Wiping her forehead with the back of hand she looked around the dark back alley, as always, hoping he'll be waiting for her.

And tonight she wasn't disappointed.

"Hola señorita," he greeted her, smile tugging at the corner of his mouth as he pushed himself off the wall he was leaning against, walking towards her.

"Hi," she smiled back at him, meeting him quickly half way, exhaustion of the hard day leaving her body as she inspected his face in search of new bruises and cuts. At the first glance he looked fine, and she felt her heart getting lighter, her smile got more relaxed.

It's been four days since she's last seen him, and with every passing night she was getting more worried, but now it was all irrelevant. He was here, safe, without any wounds, any signs his last 'mission' went sideways.

"I was worried, James." She cupped his face with both hands, making him look directly at her. She called him by his name only when she was very serious, or angry, or when she wanted him really badly. This time it was a mixture of all of the above. "You've been gone for four days, no text, not a single call..."

Yes, she was happy to see him, however, she didn't like that he let her worry for so long. She'd understand if he got in trouble and couldn't keep her posted, but apparently he just... forgot? Or maybe did it on purpose? How the fuck would she know...

A smug smile creeped upon his features when she huffed with annoyance. "What is so funny?"

"Did you miss me, señorita?" he asked teasingly, his arms wrapping around her, "Because I really fucking missed you."

"Why do you insist on calling me señorita?" she stammered, pressing her palms flat to his chest, hard muscles working beneath her fingers as his hands roamed her body, gliding down her sides, brushing over hips, grabbing her ass, pulling her closer to his hot body.

Yes, she was a bit angry he didn't call even once, but she couldn't be mad for long when it was so obvious she missed him as hell, her body quickly responding to his touch, her heart beating faster, face getting hotter.

"It fits you," his raspy voice warmed her ear, teeth grazing over her earlobe sent a shiver down her spine, making her shudder in his arms, soft moan escaping her parted lips.

"We shouldn't..." she whispered, breath pitching in her throat when he pressed her back against the wall, lifting her body from the ground, his hands securely gripping her thighs. "Someone can see us..."

"Tell me you don't want this and I'll stop," he crooned, leaving her really little to no choice when his lips trailed her jaw, peppering her skin with wet kisses, biting gently on her chin, catching her lips with his, muffling a whimper when he rolled his hips onto hers.

"Make it quick," she breathed out, her hands running up his chest, on the back of his neck to tug on his hair.

She didn't have to repeat herself, he groaned deeply, corners of his mouth lifting in a satisfied smile. He knew which of her buttons to push to get exactly what he wanted from her, and right now it was to completely immerse himself in her, in her intoxicating warmth and scent.

"Fuck, doll... I barely touched you and you're already dripping," he teased, pushing her panties aside, fingers brushing over her hot folds already covered in slick, wet enough for him to just slip his cock inside. She moaned impatiently, her hips bucking up in search for some friction. She could feel how hard he was, his cock straining against the fabric of his tac pants.

"Oh just fuck me already," she urged him, her heaving chest pressed against his, breath hot and shallow, warming his neck as she pressed her lips to his skin, sucking an angry red mark right above his collarbone.

"As you wish." Holding her with the metal hand, he slipped the other one between their bodies to free his cock, pushing the waistband of his pants just enough so they wouldn't restrict his moves. Gripping his arm with one hand, she pulled her dress up, wrapped her legs around his waist, only glancing at the end of the dark alleyway to make sure no one's watching. But even if there was someone watching, she didn't care as soon as he aligned his length with her entrance, spreading her folds, coating himself with her arousal. She moaned louder, pressing her lips to his neck, her hips rolling unvolounterly into his when he pushed past her entrance, rushing him to fill her entirely. To which he gladly obliged, bottoming out in one swift movement, low growl escaping his throat at the hot feeling of her tight cunt.

"Keep squeezin' me like that and it's really gonna be very quick," he grunted, free hand now resting at the back of her neck, fingers entwined in the loose hair there, his lips ghosting over hers. "Give me a sec... I need..." What he needed, wanted, was to fuck her brains out, make her scream his name, but if he was to last longer than a minute he needed to take it slow, at least at the beginning. And her rapid heartbeat against his chest, and the musky heavy scent of her arousal mixed with the taste of her lips, skin, sweet breath, wasn't helping. He wasn't moving, his cock buried deep in her welcoming warmth, but she was getting impatient.

"Less talking, more fucking, sarge," she cooed knowing well how this nickname worked him up, catching his lips with hers in a sloppy kiss, one hand slipping underneath his skintight shirt, fingers digging into his side, pulling him closer.

"Be careful, doll," he warned her, pressing his forehead against hers, inhaling sharply when she pushed her hips harder onto his, "I don't want to hurt you."

"Maybe I want you to hurt me," she mused in raspy voice, dragging her nails across his ribs, earning a quiet hiss from him, a slight push deeper into her itching pussy. Oh, she really wanted him to move, to bruise her skin, to mark her with his desire. And she knew he wanted the same thing, but as always he was hesitant, afraid of hurting her too much.

"Stop... sayin' things like this," his deep growl sent a shiver down her spine, spreading warmth across her entire body, her nails digging deeper into his sweaty skin.

He really tried to control himself, his thrusts slow, almost lazy, but every sound she made was driving him more and more crazy, to the point when he eventually pressed his palm to the wall, stabilizing himself as he snapped his hips harder, and she was done for.

Her head fell back, lips parted in ecstasy as his thick cock was hitting that sweet sweet spot inside her, bringing her closer to the edge, and he could feel that. Pressing her back harder against the wall, he hooked his arm underneath her knee, spreading her legs even more.

The hot coil in her stomach was tightening so fast her breath quickly became uneven, shallow, only gasps escaping her lips, fingers squeezing his arm so hard her knuckles turned white.

"Fuck, I'm gonna-" she stuttered, eyes shutting close when he licked a long stripe up her neck, teeth sinking into sensitive skin just below her ear.

"I know, baby" he murmured, "I know." He always liked to watch her come undone due to his fingers, lips, cock, but this time he was chasing his own release, his thrusts deep and fast, metal fingers gripping her ass hard enough to leave bruises.

Her pussy was squeezing him so so deliciously, his senses were almost overtaken by the sounds their wet skin made, lungs filling with her scent with every rapid breath, but he needed to make sure she comes first, as always.

And as if she was reading his mind, she reached between their bodies, nimble fingers pressing to her clit, rubbing fast circles to help herself, him, to tip her over the edge.

"Kiss me, please..." she begged breathlessly, half-lidded eyes meeting his, darkened with lust. He captured her lips with his in a sloppy kiss, one that quickly turns all teeth and tongues, his flesh hand grabbing the back of her neck, pulling her closer.

She didn't stop rubbing her clit, her arousal now dripping onto his cock, drenching his balls and pants, making his thrusts easier, the sounds wet and lewd. And that was exactly what she needed, mind blowing orgasm crashing through her body, cunt clenching around his length so hard his thrusts became erratic, frenzied.

Burying his cock deep inside her hot pussy, he coated her walls in his seed, letting her milk him dry, as she rode down from her high, her fingers pressed to her throbbing clit. His lips muffled her moans, and if he wasn't kissing her when she came probably everyone would hear how good he made her feel.

"I missed you, too, Buck," she whispered, resting her forehead on his, noses brushing against each other, heavy breaths mixing.

"Yeah, I figured it out," he chucked, his fingers loosening the grip on her ass, and she winced, already feeling the bruises forming. Her legs were sore, tired like after a long run, so she relaxed them, letting him hold her entire weight on his own.

"We should go, you know. We're really risking getting caught..."

A moment later he tucked himself into his pants, straightened his belt and shirt, watching her closely as she quickly made herself look presentable. She, on the other hand, was avoiding looking at him, slightly ashamed of herself, of what they just did.

Thank goodness she was wearing a longer dress today, his cum was dripping out of her, her thighs were wet and sticky, panties a damp mess.

Her cheeks were burning with shame, but she couldn't escape his gaze for eternity, especially that he was weirdly quiet, and that made her look at him.

"What?"

"Did I... Did I hurt you too much?" He was honestly concerned, his brows furrowed, worried wrinkle forming between them as he studied her face.

"That's what you're thinking about?" She quirked her eyebrows, smile spreading across her features. "No, you didn't. I'm fine, really," she reassured him, tucking wet from sweat strands of hair back behind her ears.

He didn't seem convinced, but he learned not to argue with her, only nodded slowly, running fingers through his hair.

"May I walk you home?" An innocent question.

"We live together, Buck," she laughed lightheartedly, her eyes sparkling with true joy when he smiled smugly.

"I know. I'm just trying to be a gentleman. And I like when you laugh..."

"I think you like it more when I moan your name," she teased, slipping her hand into his, interlacing her fingers with his metal ones, and to her surprise he didn't even flinch, making her smile grow wider. "Come on, you've been gone for four days, I need more than a quickie."

AN: So, yeah, my first time posting here. It took my five days to finish this, and I'm not even sure if I like it. I have a problem with finishing smutty parts, that's why it ends... badly. Also, it was entirely written on my phone, so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes.

There's no name in the fic so I'm tagging it as a reader insert, dunno, feedback would be nice, but if I may, please, be... kind. English isn't my first language, and I've never posted anything like that here, or anywhere to be honest.

#bucky #bucky barnes #bucky barnes smut #bucky x reader #bucky x reader smut #bucky x ofc #bucky x ofc smut #smut #marvel smut #reader insert #song fic #first time posting

[marmar-97]

First I want to say thank you @uglynicc-kitchensink for giving me permission to use this pic of your demon Troy drawing, love how you draw him, also got this idea of a fanfic after watching demon slayer and decided on a cross over. HONESTLY THE ANIME IS LITERALLY AMAZING, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU WATCH IT IF YOU HAVEN'T!Sorry this took long Tumblr kept being ass and not letting me upload it. Sorry if it's too long for y'all to read I might have gotten a bit carried away hehe. 😅 but I have a Troy and Tyreen head canon coming sometime this week of their childhood.

To befriend a demon|Demon Troy x fem! Demon slayer

Warnings: blood, biting, smut maybe?

A/N: if you're sensitive to this type of stuff then you probably shouldn't read this 😅

"This is it, final selection. Today I'll become a true demon slayer." You thought to yourself as the ceremony began, although you were a bit nervous thinking you won't make it out alive. You enter and once you're a bit far into the mountains you pick up the scent of two demons as they charge towards you quick. "Pft this'll be easy." You draw your sword out using your technique instantly killing them. "Huh, that was way too easy, they weren't even thinking straight." You walk away putting your sword back and noticed some kid running for his life you saw what he was running from, a demon. He had bat like wings dripping with blood, jet black hair, tall figure, red tattoos in some pattern on his left arm and near his left eye and his jaw was split with blood dripping from it and a long tongue along with razor sharp teeth and he starts speaking. "Every year some dumb child sacrifices their life just to try and kill me? HA! I'm the damn king of this mountain and I'm not going anywhere." The boy falls and the demon grabs his leg with his right arm. "Guess it's snack time!" He says while dragging the poor boy towards him cackling laughter coming from him, screams of terror erupting from the boy's throat as he claws at the ground. "Save him...save him...SAVE HIM NOW!" The little voice in your head said as you jumped out from behind a tree trying to strike the demon but ended up missing as he moves out of the way. He let's go of the person he was about to devour putting his focus on you now. The boy ends up running off on his own now, probably gonna end up getting killed by other demons. "H-hey, don't go off on your own!" You tried calling out to him but he was far gone. "Dammit he got away thanks to you, no matter, I've got new prey now. Heh, more prey asking for a death wish huh? Well then, let's dance shall we? I'll give you a 10 second head start, after that, hide and seek is over, and I'm going to feast on you. Countdown starts... now." You got up and started running as fast as you could away from him. Seconds have passed by already. He was ready for his next treat. "Annnnnd... 1... TIMES UP!" You hear him shout as he extends his wings again and splits his jaw doing the same cackling laugh as before. You managed to jump and dodge tree roots and branches. Taking a glance behind you, you didn't see him in sight making your heart rave a bit. But that's when you knew you messed up as you tripped over a tree root tumbling onto your back hitting your head on a tree very hard. Your vision kept fading in and out as a pair of feet were approaching you. His feet. He had found you. He kneels down next to you. "Well so much for a demon slayer like yourself, heh I could devour you right now but that would be no fun now would it? I like taking my time sometimes when I'm not starving like these other demons out here." You tried moving but he pinned both your wrist to the ground. You tried breaking free from him but he was incredibly strong. You wanted to black out right there but knew you couldn't with a demon around, showing surrender. He saw the blood on your head and licks it. "Ohhh yeahhh that's the stuff, your blood tastes really good, my type of treat." Your body shiver from the feeling of his tongue licking your wound. "Let...me...go!" You knew struggling to break free was useless at the moment since he had a stronghold on you. "Mmm my blood is pumping from the adrenaline, this year's final selection is sure bigger than last year. More blood for me. You demon slayers sure love to come out here thinking you're the shit and could easily kill us demons. Just know that I've survived for so long and became the king. And also..." He shows you his left eye. You couldn't even do anything at the moment but stare at him in shock. He was one of the twelve Kizuki demons, a high ranked one at that. "R-rank 2? S-so who's rank 1?" He must be one of Muzan Kibutsuji's demons." You had a good look of his features up close and noticed how attractive he was, but he was still a demon who devours humans thirsty for blood.

He softly caressed your cheek with one of his sharp nails as his face was inches from yours now as he hovers over you. You closed your eyes thinking he was about to devour you. He still had blood on his face, torso and hands from someone he's devoured before the boy you had seen earlier. "It would really be a shame to actually kill you right here and now, even though I'm supposed to but I think I'm going to have more fun with you. Oh, heh how rude of me not introducing myself, name's Troy Calypso, or demon king, which I go by around here, and what may yours be sweetheart?" He uses his long tongue to clean his face of human blood now. "Ugh, their blood wasn't even good like yours to satisfy my taste." He licks his fingers and hands clean soon after leaving the blood alone on his torso. "Y/N, m-my name's Y/N." His grip on your wrist got a bit tight holding you down still. His lips brushed against yours as he breathed in your scent making you shudder. "Heh, nice name. You smell of, kindness, what a sweet smell." His voice was low and husky. You held your breath as he stared at you with those fiery eyes of his. He held your chin with an index finger and thumb making you look up at him dead in the eye as his lips pressed against yours. Your mind went blank from the move he just pulled. He was kissing you instead of devouring you? You suddenly snapped out of your thoughts and noticed you were kissing him back. Why were you, you weren't really sure yourself. You also weren't sure why he was even kissing you to begin with but you had no other choice. You instead close your eyes as he gets more into it forcing his tongue into your mouth while pushing your legs apart as he moves one of his legs between yours kissing you still. You suddenly let out a low moan from the feeling of his tongue exploring your mouth. He pulls back then sits you on his lap straddling him going for your mouth once more. This time you were whimpering while moaning. You wish you could scream for help but he was preventing you from doing so. After a short while you both pull back to catch your breath. "Guess you humans are worth living sometimes, if only humans and demons could get along somehow."

He goes to kiss your neck or maybe bite it even but gets interrupted when you both hear people shouting for more demons in the distance. You get off his lap as he stands up with his back against you. "How rude of them to interrupt me, well I've got more work to do, maybe when I'm done you and me can continue before you leave this place. Now I must hunt." You see him make multiple copies of himself. "Find them, and bring me their body and soul." They Kneeled in front of him. "As you wish master." And off they went in a flash. He opens up his jaw once more and his teeth get sharp again, along with extending his wings. "W-wait, I can't leave without bringing something back, I-I'll need a head or something to prove I killed a demon." He stops and turns around to look at you. "Fine, here you go." He pops his head off and regenerates a new one shortly after. "You're welcome, now you better go. Don't forget we have some unfinished business before you leave here." And off he flew. You kept the head in a basket as you continued on with your hunt for more demons finally reaching the end. Seems like you've made friends with a demon, or maybe more? You held a hand over your mouth remembering the way he had kissed you. This is a demon you won't forget. You then checked your watch noticing that final selection was over within 2 hours, that also meant the sun will rise up. You've had enough time to wait for other demon slayers to show up. You then saw him him standing there cleaning himself off from the blood that was on him, turning to look at you. "Well I'm full now. Thought you were gonna leave without finishing what we started? You didn't forget our deal now did ya?" You furrowed your eyebrows looking at him now. "I've never made a deal with you." He chuckles low as he walks close to you now. "Oh really? You were enjoying my tongue inside your mouth and didn't fight back so that means you want to continue. You were… aroused. Now, to have some fun, don't worry I don't bite unless you tell me to." You wanted to say something but in one swift move he had you over his shoulder flying off with you now. "What the- HEY WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?! I-I GOTTA GET BACK BEFORE SUNRISE! HEY ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?! I'M NOT VERY FOND OF HEIGHTS EITHER!" He chuckles while having a smug look on his face that you couldn't see. "You'll see soon enough princess, I'm not gonna kill you if that's what you're thinking, like I said, I'm gonna have fun with you, just be patient." You huffed out in frustration as he finally landed near some cave walking in finally letting you down. You looked past him seeing an exit thinking of escaping but quickly knew it would backfire on since he would actually catch you very easily. "Thinking of escaping? Not possible." He picked up on you looking past him making you tense up. "U-uh n-no I'm just, trying to figure out where I am." You watched as he made his way towards you. "You're not lying to me are you?" He didn't seem a bit angry, in fact he had a neutral look on his face. "N-no of course not, but wh-what do you mean by fun?" You asked just to change the subject, playing his little game now. "Hmmm lemme show you." He picks you up wrapping your legs around his waist pressing his lips against yours in a hungry kiss. You could tell he was waiting to feel your lips on his again. This time you went along with it, not because you liked it, but because you knew you wouldn't be able to beat him in your current rank. Plus you wouldn't even be able to escape. You held onto his shoulders for support so you won't fall.

Suddenly he stops kissing you and changes the inside of the cave into a room. It seemed like it was fit for a king. You look around in amazement at how nice it looked and also from what he just did. "Like it huh? Fit for a king like me. Now to enjoy my time with you." He throws you on his bed not too hard making you bounce a little. It was very soft and comfortable. You watched him as he poked his index finger with his sharp nail on his thumb drawing blood from his finger. He then pressed it against your forehead. Suddenly you felt light headed and numb. "H-huh, what just happened?" You felt like sleeping from the feeling of being on his bed and from being numb. "I don't want you feeling pain from what I'm about to do, plus I want a taste of your blood once more. It's been on my mind ever since and I just needed more. Plus just the thought of tasting your blood while getting intimate with you is getting me all riled up." You didn't say anything as he ripped your dress with his sharp nails. His gaze was hungry when he saw your breasts and he immediately sucked and licked them. You would be lying to yourself saying you didn't like the feeling of his tongue on you. You were getting riled up yourself a bit. He then ripped your bra with his nails putting one of your nipples in his mouth sucking and licking it. You arched your back from the sensation letting out a low soft breath. He then did the same to the other one earning a low moan from you. "P-please, s-stop..." He was enjoying this moment. He bit down on one of your breasts hard drawing blood and drinking it. He hummed in approval sinking his teeth in deeper. He was breathing through his nose as he kept drinking your blood then finally pulling back licking the wound. "Fuck I needed that, but I want more." He goes to your other breasts doing the same thing. You felt his length pressed against your hip while he was enjoying his drink. He pulled back once more ripping your panties then going for your thighs now. He licked one of your inner thighs near your entrance making you squirm a bit. A low chuckle was heard from him as he did it again. And then he bit down on it drinking more of your blood, doing the same to your other thigh. "Mm looking good so far, but you could look better." He pulled you into his lap as his length was pressed against your entrance. He bites your upper arm getting another taste of your blood as you held onto his shoulders for support. You started to grind against him as the pleasure was building up inside you more. And without warning he entered inside of your wet folds. He leaned back propping himself up on his elbows watching you with half lidded eyes as you started to move slow, your blood on him getting him more excited. "yes this is just how I imagined it, you feel amazing." You picked up your pace while having your hands on his chest with your head thrown back as low soft moans escaped from your throat. He helped you by gripping your hip with his left hand pushing you down on his full length. Once you were you leaned in kissing him on the lips as he had a grip on your ass moving you back and forth on him. You moaned into the kiss as his tongue dominated your mouth once more. "Why am I even letting this happen? A-a demon? I should know better than that, but he's just so-" You were cut off when he bit into your upper arm. You hear him groan from both the pleasure and taste of your blood. He sinks his teeth deeper reaching bone and breaks them with one chomp. You didn't feel the pain but knew it would hurt so much if you did from the way your bones just cracked. He bends you over positioning himself behind you as blood dripped from his mouth and jaw. "Don't worry, once I'm done these wounds will be healed right up."

He lightly scratched the back of your neck with a nail drawing out some blood. He leans over you licking your upper back working his way to your neck. You felt him push himself back into you thrusting harshly but slow. You bit your lip trying to hold back your moans but failed when he hit that one spot. You weren't sure how you didn't even pass out yet from all the blood you've lost so far. His pace started getting fast and more harsh. He bit down on one of your shoulders while thrusting inside you still. You couldn't help but moan more getting close to the edge, a knot forming in your stomach. He bit down on your shoulder more breaking your shoulder blade. He finally pulls back from your shoulder admiring his work. He was panting slowing down his pace but his thrusts was still harsh. He kept it up until you finally spilled all over him, your orgasm finally hitting you. He chuckled as he pulled out of you releasing himself onto your back. "Heh you were such a good girl for participating in this sacrifice." You felt more numb than before from all the blood you've lost but managed to speak. "S-sacrafice? Wh-what do you mean?" And that's when you saw him, Muzan Kibutsuji appearing right before you. "Well done Troy, another successful sacrifice, you're close to being rank 1, do your master proud and kill the next victim you bring. This one lives another day." And he's gone in an instant. That's when another demon enters the room, and this one was female with a similar appearance to him but much shorter than him and had white hair to the side covering her right eye? "Were you holding back on this one Troy? What did master think?" She saw that you were still alive and sounded disappointed. "He said the sacrifice was successful but to kill my next victim." She goes over to you now hovering a hand inches from your body and heals your wounds and the same clothing you've had on before. "Well that's good I suppose Troy, alright my work here is-" She gets cut off as you start speaking to her now. "H-how do you know Muzan Kibutsuji?" They looked at both each other giving it the okay to tell you. "We both work for him, and I'm rank number 1." She moves her hair out of the way showing you her right eye with the mark, opposite from her brother's. "So are you two related? But how? I-I thought demons weren't supposed to be in a family." She turned on her heels facing the door now. "Let's just say, we stuck together before becoming demons and our bond never gets broken. Plus we're twins." And she started leaving. You looked at your watch seeing that you've had five minutes left before final selection was over. "Shit I've got five minutes left, I have to get back or they'll think I'm dead." He holds you against him flying with you to the bottom of the mountain where no one could see you both. He landed near a tree placing you on the ground. Before you ran off you felt him grab your arm. "So when will I get to see you again?" Seems like he took interest in you. "I'm not coming back, you know that right?" You actually didn't want to leave him but you had no choice. Seems like you became friends with a demon, though it was against demon corps. rules but you didn't know that yet. "I know but, maybe I could try to see you other than the mountain?" You looked at the entrance seeing everyone starting to leave now. "Sure, now I have to go. Also, I did have fun with you." You smiled at him and he smiled back as you ran to join the other demon slayers who made it out alive. "Guess demons and humans can get along in a way." He says to himself leaving before daybreak.

#demon slayer #demon Troy #troy x reader #kimetsu no yaiba #fanfic #fanart #troy borderlands #troy #troy calypso

[reneereadskingdomofash]

1/8 I really wanted to ask you a question, anonymous because I don't have an account, and anons are off on your main blog so I'm asking on this one! There are no spoilers in this, I promise you. KoA is coming out very very soon, and that means I'll have to do a reread of Tower of Dawn, my favourite in the series. How should I read it? ToD is my favourite because I really love the new characters and worldbuilding. But the main reason is because of Chaol. This book meant a lot to me

its below a cut because its long... 

2/8 because of his healing arc. I didn't even love Chaol that much before this book, though I never really thought he was that annoying. I did think his actions toward Aelin and Nesryn were crazy. But the thing I loved most about the book was the message to stop hating yourself for your mistakes, to forgive yourself, and get up when you fall. It was the Valg darkness that had injured him, wasn't it? And it was feeding off of his pain and regret.3/8He had to face all of it to finally be completely healed when Yrene realised that the Valg weren't just an enemy to fight against, they were something to be healed from. I think his insecurities and regrets, and his feeling that he was a failure, were also just like a parasite. That message that this darkness that doesn't let us go forward, that tells us we're not good enough, is like a parasite, and can literally and figuratively paralyse us, and we have to let go of it, really helped me.4/8 I think we all have those feelings in us sometimes, and they are the real enemy, just as much as the Valg are in this series. Tower of Dawn showed me how to fight them. When I first read the book, I was in a bad place and felt like I had failed everyone, and this book let me heal. Now I'm rereading this series and I'm back in a less-than-healthy place, and this year hasn't been that easy. But I've been thinking a lot about the characters—more specifically, Chaol.5/8 He became my favourite character in this book, but I've read so many reasons why I shouldn't like him, and many ways in which he's problematic. I don't condone all of his actions, but I never really read him as annoying. I can see where they're coming from, though. One of the most well-known metas on Chaol is the one about how ToD wasn't his redemption arc and he didn't really change, and mostly stayed the same idiot. I never really read the book to see him redeemed.6/8 I just liked the message of his healing. Heir of Fire is a very close second to ToD as my favourite, because of both Aelin and Manon's change of view. (Side note: Aelin went through so much in the series and triumphed, so it seemed a really crazy idea to put her in an iron coffin, and give her that feeling that she's failed everyone again. But I think it shows that the path to complete self-acceptance in anyone's journey is never linear. But I digress! Enough about my love for healing arcs.)7/8 The point is, there are many, many valid reasons to dislike Chaol, and so many of the things he's done—not just to Aelin and Nesryn, but throughout the whole series—are pretty stupid. But can't I like the good parts and learn from the bad parts, without condoning them? Are the people who like Chaol better at excusing problematic things or something? The reasons to hate him are all such good reasons, and I acknowledge them. I feel like I should probably start reading him that way too.8/8 I'm sorry for all the rambling in your asks, but my question is: should I do my reread looking for all the reasons why I shouldn't like him, or is it okay to read it my way? I acknowledge the wrong things he's done, but does it make me a bad person to like him anyway? Does liking problematic characters make me a bad person? Is it all right if I didn't read his character as that annoying? I feel very conflicted about this, and that's why I'm asking you.

Hey NONNIE! 

I am so sorry I only just saw this as I came back to tumblr today! My asks are back open on my main btw - or they are supposed to be. :) So I’m first going to say that we all take in books, movies, stories differently.

Sure over time some are deemed to be "less than great" while others triumph and are called the best books of a generation. (and I disagree with a few of those lol).

I like to listen to a lot of different point of views in the tumblr world. But I have learned that people will see what they want to see. 

Read Tower of Dawn how YOU want to read it. 

If Chaol is your fav that’s valid. Even if Maeve was your favourite - that’s Valid too. We can like characters without condoning what they do. We can like stories while knowing that they might contain controversial topics. I loved Tower of Dawn when I first read it. And I Loved it the second time as I read it simultaneously with Empire of Storms.

I'm sure I’m going to go off on a tangent so I apologise if I do.

But its important to read for your own enjoyment. Decide what you think. Decide what you like or don’t like. Its fine. Then if you decide you want more ideas and perspectives then look for them. But don't beat yourself up if you don’t completely agree.

And if your mind changes after a second read - that’s fine too. Opening ourselves to more experiences and stories is what makes us more accepting as a whole - I believe.

So I'm going to focus on your questions before I go on a meta Tangent.

Should I do my reread looking for all the reasons why I shouldn't like him, or is it okay to read it my way? - READ It however you want hun

I acknowledge the wrong things he's done, but does it make me a bad person to like him anyway? NO You are not a bad person Example. My grandfather cheated on my grandmother with another person. He was still my grandad. I still had a relationship with him. I use this story a bit. He did some dumb shit but it never made him a bad person. He did some worse shit to some other people which def could make him a bad person, but he was still my grandad and I loved him. He lived his life and made mistakes and spent a lot of his life trying to atone. WE ARE HUMAN. And I think it actually says a lot about SJM's storytelling abilities to make such complex characters. The older I get - the more I seem to forgive people for some things and condemn them for others. When I was 15 I told my uncle he was going to die if he kept smoking - I was blunt and brutal and didn’t care. Now I wouldn’t say that - but I also wouldn't let my kids be around him while he smokes and I would say that to him instead. He can do what he wants - i’m not there to police his choices. So I guess perspectives change, or how we go about enacting change changes. Anyway You are not a bad person. I am not a bad person.

Does liking problematic characters make me a bad person? um short answer - NOI really like Lorcan. A lot of people don’t and that’s fine. But he's my problematic character I'm stuck on hahaha 

it all right if I didn't read his character as that annoying? Yes because we all make friends with different sorts of people.My best friend is not going to be your best friend. We cant all be the same. Different backgrounds and morals, beliefs etc are going to mesh together and we form friendships. So you can have your best friend and not need everyone else to love them too - the world doesn’t work like that. So loving a book character that other people don’t love is fine too. 

I feel the conflictedness- (I just made that word up its now a word) but honestly. Do what you enjoy. Do what you want to do. Don’t let it get you down. Remember Dorian and Chaol are BFF's so he's gotta be the right best friend for someone and maybe you are just more like Dorian than other people are - ;) right!  hahaha. 

Sorry I’m not sure when u sent this ask, hopefully its not been answered too late. :) 

#tod #ask #nonnie #answered #Anon #renee answers

[gotoveritstillloveyou]

I'm just writing to let you know that I've pet Christ into my heart and all my sins are forgiven, I've been in an AA program and I'm on step 7 and I just want to make amends with you, everything was my fault, and I'm on a mission to spread love and light and I've found my true path as an empath moon child, I've found healing and now I must heal the world.

Jesus, if I actually wrote you something like that, I know that you love me enough that you would do the right thing and take me out back and shoot me.

Now just hold you're fuckin horses. I know you probably don't want to hear from me. Maybe you've even forgotten me. You probably have an idea of who I am and what kind of bullshit letter I'm about to write you. Just wrangle your ponies for a second and throw out that idea. This is not what you think it is and not what you're expecting and I am not the person that comes to mind. Just let me explain before you bail.

I know what I'm writing. So we had this thing together. "Figuring it out". We were on a mission. We were gonna figure out life, figure out ourselves and become our best happiest versions, figure each other out, and we had this big dream. It went well at first, then it really went to shit with a high fiber diet. You left forever. I accept that. I kept going. I kept working on the same mission. Not just working on my life and mission. Our mission. That thing we worked so hard on and tried so hard for. I just kept going. Again, not for me. For us.

This may seem like a stupid decision. Maybe it was, but it was my decision. It was barely a choice honestly, but I stuck with it. I kept you on my mind and I kept working on those things. I kept loving you, again not much choice in that, but I still love you. I love you more than ever honestly. Again, not your fucking problem. You owe me nothing and hold no obligation to return those feelings.

Here's the thing. I succeeded. I triumphed. I am victorious in what we set out to do. It was extremely difficult. There's one thing left. I hold all this information and discoveries in my head and all these thoughts of you and something in me is just screaming that I must write it down.

Why should you care? It is long forgotten and in the past. Look, have I bothered you at all? Have I did one single thing? You knew me for 2 years, did you ever know me to respect a law? No, that's not what's been stopping me. I haven't had anything worth saying. Now I do. This doesn't have to mean anything to you, but this is more than some love letter or some old boyfriend.

There are things you don't know that I think you should. After you left I started writing and investigation and experimenting. My main goals were to get an answer about what happened between us, to figure out what was wrong with me, and to somehow recover and get over you or to come up with something to say to you. Over the course of trying to do this I discovered some shit. I found something to say to you.

I discovered that things were not what they seemed. Never once in this letter will there be any gas lighting, any denial of what happened, any denial of facts. But I found out that there was truly something else going on. I found out that we seemed like somebody else to each other. I found some things truly paranormal and supernatural in nature.

I came to a deeper understanding of myself, you, God, and life. I began to realize that it had to happen like that. I brought it full circle. When I look back and see who we were and what we set out to do, I see that what has happened was the only way to actually achieve that. What I went through was the only way I was ever going to truly change as a person, and I'm not talking about the mean messed up guy I was back then, I'm talking about everything. I'm not talking about baby I've changed, baby things could be different. I am talking about a fundamental change from top bottom, from the tip of my nose to the bottom of my soul, everything that I ever was. The experience was nessecary to you too. What we experienced was not some good/bad failed relationship. What we experienced was God's plan. It was a psychedelic horror show.

I've began making some lofty claims, and I can promise you I have proof and explanations for what I'm saying. Give me a chance.

Again, pull the rains on your unicorn. I know what's probably going through your mind, so let me finish my intro.

I know writing you and thinking something is going to happen is absolutely futile. That's not what I'm doing. I've climbed so many mountains and died so many times. I'm not quite done with what I'm working on, I'm in a period of transition and rest, but I've got past the hard part. I am empty of any desires or any problems and things are kinda finally over with, but since the day you left, to this day, on this day more powerfully than ever, I am driven to write this. There is not much left to do, and not much going on, but these thoughts in my head are beyond important, greater than meaningful, and they are screaming to be let out, and there's only one person they could possibly be said to.

You.

I know who you are, and who I'm writing to. Through this journey I've been on I've come to a deeper understanding of you than probably anyone ever will. But I'm not living in the clouds any more. I know that the person I'm writing to is someone from the past, who has changed a lot since I last saw her. I'm writing to someone who does not want to hear from me, someone I will never ever see again. Someone who I hurt and betrayed who will never forgive me. I have absolutely not change at changing your mind, writing to you likely will even have bad consequences for me, or it might upset you to hear from me. You might have a kid now, or be with someone else, or become someone else. Maybe you're horrible now, maybe all those bad things I thought were true. Maybe you're even more amazing now, and would never let a wretch like me cross your mind. My point is, I'm not being some romantic fool. I'm writing a letter to a memory, someone who has long moved on and forgotten me, and no matter how badly I want it, someone who will never be in my life again, someone who ultimately will not give a single fuck about what I'm about to write, someone who most likely would laugh at this and share with their friends so they can all laugh at it together.

And I do have a fantastical notion of who you are, but believe me I would never let myself be dumb enough to believe and hope for it to be real, that would be suicide. But I think of a girl that truly loved me so much and tried so hard for us. I write this weird cryptic shit and think man nobody would understand this, but I realize that I used to know someone that would get it. I write this, and my other even crazier Tumblr, and think God I could never show this to anyone, and then I remember a girl I knew that showed me her fucked up Tumblr that was way worse than this on our first date. Every day I have all these thoughts and I know there's only one person that would understand, and I have this feeling in my heart that just won't quit, and then I came upon these revelations and discoveries and I know that I have to tell you them.

Hold the fuck on I'm not even done, put your Pegasus back in its hangar.

You're remembering the wrong person. You're sitting here reading this bullshit and you're thinking it's bullshit because you're thinking of someone else. You gotta let that go or you're gonna miss out on what I'm about to say. You have some really bad memories of me. I was broken. What you saw and what we experienced together was full of secrecy and illusions. You will understand if you read this whole thing. I was hidden to you. I purposely hid myself from you, I acted a certain way on purpose, I was scared of you l, I refused to give my true self to you. Beyond that, I was fundamentally broken, in more ways than you have any clue of, I was hidden from myself beyond my own control. I didn't know who I was. You were in love with me, but you weren't in love with this hidden version of me, or this broken piece of shit I was on the outside. You saw right through that, and I don't know how, but you were in love with the truest form of me, you were in love with my soul and nothing else, and despite all else. I think that's beautiful. And then you went through all that shit with the other me. That other me said and did so many things to you. Finally, just one time, read what the real me has to say.

Rein in your rhino. I'm not saying what you think I'm saying. I am not forgiven or absolved. I am not saying I'm different now so those things don't matter. I will provide no excuse, no rationalization, no justification. What I got for you are reasons, reasons I fought hard to obtain. I have a story to tell you. I will not ask you for forgiveness, I will never be able to undo what happened, nothing changes it, but there's a story you need to hear.

And just park your fucking chariot right there. I am not insane. God what a relief that would be. I know what it's like to be insane. Currently, I am the most stable, well balanced, clear thinking, and consistent I have ever been in my entire life. In fact, for a few years there, I kept thinking I figured it all out! And I would eventually get a moment of clarity, and be like damn, I've been mentally ill for the whole past 3 months and I was wrong as fuck about everything. That day refuses to come. It would be such a relief. Because what I'm about to write I know is true, and it being true is the greatest Hell I probably could've landed in.

Do you truly hate me for what I did and wish the worst for me? Then that's why you should read this. This is my punishment. I truly lived in torment for about a year after you left, so enjoy that. But then I began to figure it out. I figured out what happened. You think I'm guilty and you hate me about all the mean ways I acted? Oh, what I really did is much worse. It is entirely unknown to you, and this is my confession. I did find some peace and health through the journey after our relationship, and through working through all those memories, but then I found all the missing puzzle pieces, and I truly know what I've done, I truly know what I've missed out on, I truly know what was possible, and what it all meant, and the conclusion I've arrived on is the most painful and brain shredding thing I ever could've imagined.

I really want you to read and understand this. Just give it a chance. None of this made sense to me for so long, but I began to uncover all these hidden truths, and all this secrets, and all these connections. Despite who you are now and what you think now, we went through that together. We were together almost 2 years and lived with each other for almost a year. We felt extremely huge emotions and put in so much effort and changed our lives so much. You deserve to know the truth.

Please put aside, just temporarily, whatever you told yourself about what happened, what you told other people, what you remember happening, what you told yourself in order to move on, and what you have done since then. I know it's something from the past and that it's so pointless, but every cell in my body is screaming that you need to hear this.

Just for a minute, remember me. Remember how I just kinda appeared in your life and changed everything. Remember in what a shit place you were, both of us were? Remember how bleak and empty life was. How you were all messed up and nobody could help you? And then boom it all changed. I watched you transform. You can't deny that happened and that I helped you. I watched you go from someone near death to someone glowing like the sin. I'm sorry I was so blind to it then, but I look back and I see you trying so fucking hard and putting in so much effort, I saw that you were incredibly in love with me. Remember that feeling? Don't you remember how it all felt like it was all meant to be? It all felt like it was all clicking together and it was some big adventure. It wasn't all bad, I'm sorry I ruined most of it and it was overall boring, but remember the times we had fun? Remember triumphing over problems, and growing together? Remember when we would finish a project and it actually went well and we were happy? Remember the real me. Remember that you always had a protector, someone always looking out for you. Someone that finally could handle and understand your bullshit, someone you couldn't scare off. Someone that swept you off your feet and carried you off on an adventure.

Yeah it went really bad and turned out shit and ended. I'm not telling you to forget that. But you stuck through all that for a reason. I tried hard as fuck to get rid of you. Everything that was happening was horrible. But still you stuck around. Because I did something for you, and you were hoping it would turn around. Remember that big dream life we had and trying so hard to make it happen? Remember all the times I held your hand when you were scared, calmed you down from a panic attack, woke you up from a nightmare and soothed you back to sleep? That guy that had a million dreams and always had a cool idea or a cool something to show you. The guy that always brought you a cool rock or specimen from nature? The guy that cried like a baby when the betta fish you picked out died? I know you knew the real me, like I said you knew and loved my soul. Don't you remember how confusing it was for it to all fall apart, what a contradictory experience it turned into, this crazy push and pull of emotions, a collapse we fought so hard to stop?

Don't tell yourself it was all a mistake and a lie. It's not. Don't tell yourself your just a Pupina that had yet another bad relationship with a crazy person. That's not what happened. Forget the story as it stands. You and I were the only ones that know what really took place and what it felt like. I have explored every single memory and feeling and discovered the truth behind all of this and you deserve to know it.

What I'm about to write is complex and crazy. I've been working on figuring it out for 2 years and I've tried multiple times to write it. Just please hear me out. I never would've ever considered even writing you a single paragraph if it were not for the truth I've discovered. What happened happened, I will not change any of the facts of that or explain away a single thing that went down. But what I discovered was supernatural in nature, I found many things that were kept secret and unknown to the both of us, I found deeper meaning behind every meaning, I found all these little clues scattered throughout that led me right to where I am, I found that the things that happened were often illusory in nature and had something greater under the surface. In fact, I discovered that most things were SUPPOSED to seem exactly what they seemed like, but were actually something else. And, most of all, I found that we were supposed to break up, and that a massive wall was put between us, and that we were supposed to think exactly what we think of each other and that that big wall was supposed to be there. Please peek over the fucking wall. Don't let them blind you to this.

I'm sorry you don't get a love letter or an apology. That's in here though. You get a psychedelic psychological spiritual conspiracy theory. That's just who I am. I will address all the facts as well, the normal view of things. I will confess to everything, apologize for all the bad, admit all secrets, unveil the hidden truth, describe my punishment, explain everything, I will do it all. It's all in here. This is something I never thought I would understand, and I understand it now. I never thought I would have anything to say to you, I always had a million things to say after I left but none of them were worth it to say, but this is. Please read it.

So go ahead saddle up your pony. Ride on out of here if you want. If that's what you wanna do I have just one last thing to say. There are no words on this world that can describe how sorry I am for the bad things. There is no book of poetry that could ever describe how I feel about the good things. You owe me nothing and are under no obligation. I owe you everything. Everything I am and everything I've done, the fact that I am even alive, I owe it all to you. You have given me the greatest things that life could ever offer. I love you more than I could ever love anything, I don't care what the future brings, you will always be everything to me and I will love you beyond the day I die. I love you forever and ever. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and as far as I'm concerned you're the most amazing person that ever existed.

People do a lot of shit after a break up. You've told me about your past relationships. You have to have a way to explain it to yourself and a story to tell other people. That's not for me. I want the truth. I've been in a relationship and a breakup before, and I didn't have a books worth of shit to say about it, I told myself a story but all in all it wasn't hard to understand. With you? The most complicated thing I've ever experienced. In fact I could keep going but I must write this then stop.

I did one thing. I followed my heart. I needed answers and I wanted true answers. Looking back and sorting through everything that happened, it leads to something else, and it leads to you. I followed my heart and it leads to you. I ended my fued with God and he is pointing right at you. I remembered the things you taught me, and the good things I felt, and I just followed my heart and accepted my feelings. It was a singular and narrow path and it gave me everything I ever wanted, except you of course. Just that one simple thing I chose to do after you left, to keep loving you, changed everything about me, answered all my questions, and fixed everything that was broken. I know there is nothing I can do to change anything. Every time I write I fail to make it make sense. But what has happened and what is happening is inevitable. The truth is inevitable and you must face it. The past has passed but you must face the real truth. Whatever hate or love you have for me you must face the true me. It won't be by anything I can or will do, but it has to happen.

You can deny it all you want. You can be whoever you want to be. You can tell yourself whatever story you want about us. I know the truth. I know that it was a dark and light spiritual experience and a story of true love. I know it was supposed to happen and it was the most meaningful thing that ever happened to me. I know that I'm not even supposed to know the truth. I know what God has been up to and I know the secrets of this world. On everything I've ever loved, on all the energy I've ever possessed, I put it all into this, and I throw it at your feet. The truth will be shown. I have returned and the circle is complete. Come and see. Be not afraid.

 "And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder

One of the four beasts saying,

'Come and see.' and I saw, and behold a white horse"

… There's a man goin' 'round takin' names

And he decides who to free and who to blame

Everybody won't be treated all the same

There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down

When the man comes around

… The hairs on your arm will stand up

At the terror in each sip and in each sup

Will you partake of that last offered cup

Or disappear into the potter's ground?

When the man comes around

… Hear the trumpets hear the pipers

One hundred million angels singin'

Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettledrum

Voices callin', voices cryin'

Some are born and some are dyin'

It's alpha and omega's kingdom come

And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree

The virgins are all trimming their wicks

The whirlwind is in the thorn tree

It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks

… Till armageddon no shalam, no shalom

Then the father hen will call his chickens home

The wise man will bow down before the throne

And at his feet they'll cast their golden crowns

When the man comes around

… Whoever is unjust let him be unjust still

Whoever is righteous let him be righteous still

Whoever is filthy let him be filthy still

Listen to the words long written down

When the man comes around

… Hear the trumpets hear the pipers

One hundred million angels singin'

Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettledrum

Voices callin', voices cryin'

Some are born and some are dyin'

It's alpha and omega's kingdom come

And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree

The virgins are all trimming their wicks

The whirlwind is in the thorn trees

It's hard for thee to kick against the prick

In measured hundredweight and penny pound

When the man comes around

… "And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts

And I looked, and behold a pale horse

And his name that sat on him was death, and hell followed with him"

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