#he just gave him what he thought was a suicide pill; like of course he wasn't ready to go have a hang and some drinks

[bullagit]

it's just. it's just

if your take on aziraphale at the end of the day is that he is, ultimately, a wholly selfish person. that his relationship to crowley is him taking and accepting and asking for more from a partner who, lovesick and waiflike and unable to draw a line, continues to carve off of himself to supplicate, while aziraphale does not "for once" contribute back.

then honestly i think you missed a step somewhere. and i'll preface by saying no shade on that front because it would be a boring thing if everyone everywhere had the same idea about every character, but this particular read on aziraphale chafes me.

because coming at things from his angle i think the larger issue is that he's selfless.

not in a cutesy job interview "my only flaw is i care too much :)" way, not in the sort of way that negates selfishness entirely (because like ALL of the characters in good omens, he IS still selfish!).

but i think aziraphale is selfless in a terrible and passive sort of way. i think he does not love himself and he does not think that he's someone who is easy to love, and i think that like crowley, aziraphale believes that when it comes to himself, love is conditional. it must be. when he receives it straightforwardly, seemingly unconditionally, he balks, because to his mind he's never done anything to deserve it.

i think he's been taught that, when he's himself, he's somehow wrong. i think if he's the only one on the line, he wouldn't choose his own happiness over something he feels he has to do. and if he feels that something is right, truly fully right, and that it needs doing, and that he can do it, he'll always ultimately throw himself onto that proverbial sword.

he'll run higher and higher up the celestial ladder trying to save earth (and crowley) and when that gets him nowhere, he'll decry the entire war and throw himself down to earth to try to stop it anyway. he'll stand at the edge of the end with actual satan bearing down upon them and pick up his old sword and say we can't give up now. he'll hand the most important person in the universe their destruction in a tartan thermos and feel like the most wretched miserable creature in existence for doing it.

he'll love someone in a way he's never loved anything and make himself be the one who keeps the rehearsed distance, the walls of plausible deniability and loopholes and convenient coincidences, because the distance is the most concrete way to keep that person safe. (because that was always one of the first points he'd hit with crowley: if hell finds out, they'll destroy you.) i think he operates out of fear before nearly anything else.

i think that for all that aziraphale indulges in his material pleasures-- the books and souvenirs and drinks and food-- he's starved and repressed and made himself very carefully wall off the pieces of his heart that want only to love wholly and to be loved in return. especially where crowley is concerned.

and honestly i'm not even going to get into their relationship dynamics bc that's so much to get into that's like a separate issue separate post. except to say that just because aziraphale doesn't do the exact same things for crowley that crowley has for him, it doesn't mean that this relationship is not reciprocal. (my wording struggles here because in general the point is not to gain returns, crowley doesn't do things for aziraphale because he expects to get something out of it. he does things because he loves him and he's big acts of service energy)

and tbh i feel like if crowley saw or caught wind of any of this "aziraphale should sacrifice for crowley ~for once~ protect crowley ~for once~" rhetoric he'd be pretty fucking offended

if any of that even makes sense idk

#good omens #good omens 2 #aziraphale #crowley #ineffable husbands #spoilers #good omens spoilers #go2 spoilers #yk there are a lot of reasons 'you go too fast for me crowley' is painful #its painful for aziraphale too #like. he just handed crowley his own destruction bc it was safer than crowley trying to get it through other means #he just gave him what he thought was a suicide pill; like of course he wasn't ready to go have a hang and some drinks #he's sitting in that car nearly crying the whole scene he loves crowley so fucking much and he's so terrified for him all the time #i will never deny that aziraphale is so flawed and so frequently ruled by his own trauma; he messes up a lot he's hurtful to crowley a lot #but it's so night and day between fanon and canon #when ultimately what he wants more than anything in the universe is to just. be with crowley SAFELY for ONCE

[princess-of-thebes-1995]

Baby Trap

This is an extra chapter after the final battle. Spider is with Jake. Neteyam is alive because you took the shot. 

Since your little love confession to the Colonel, things have been smoother.

The recom Navi gave you privileges, such as a television in the bedroom and your own personal vegetable garden. And best of all, the Colonel hesitantly allowed you to take medicine for insomnia and depression. With the advance technology and advances, you now have the best stuff.

The branches of the army got the best stuff on Earth. So, you got medicine that so far has no side effects. The colonel wasn't stupid. He would feed you the pills in the mornings and evenings before sleeping. He didn't trust you after your attempted suicide.

He gave you scissors to trim his hair and the remaining kids under his supervision. He for some reason also banned coffee. Even decaf. But you were too scared to argue. Oh, well. Your medicine made you mellow. So, you don't think you need coffee to function. 

The colonel would also for some reason act more strange. He would buy you baggy and loose clothes. You didn't wear them. He just hanged them in the closet. Oh, well. At least he started taking care of your half breed Navi twins even more. 

One day, you were in the supply store of the base and asked for pregnancy control pills since you recently ran out three weeks ago.

"I am sorry, Ma'am." The receptionist looked scared. "The colonel gave me orders to not sell you birth control pills. You are banned from all contraceptives till He says so."

……….

You quickly walked back to your room. Thanks to Quaritch making you suck his dick in public, you tried to not be seen. You hated being in your room all day. Now, the one time you left your area of the base besides your kids' rooms and the kitchen, you got one of the worst announcements of your life. 

That jerk wants more kids!?

His human death made you raise triplets on your own. His job hunting Jake made him too tired for the twins. Now, another baby? Sure, physically maybe almost all women your age loved being pregnant due to the body changes and hormones. But, it lasts only nine months.

You shouldn't be hasty. Maybe there was a misunderstanding.  You should talk to Quaritch first.

......

You were washing the dinner dishes after serving your family and Lyle.

The colonel was watching TV while laying down on the bed.  He would shower after he eats with Lyle and the family. He came out fresh and was waiting for you to join him in bed. He tucked all the children to bed.  

You finally finished with the dishes and then took a quick shower. You showered twice a day. In the morning because you always had sex with quaritch at night.

And after cleaning the kitchen at night. To be fresh for your husband after working all day.

You came out to the bedroom.

Quaritch turned off the TV and held one arm out open for you. You crawled next to him and he kissed the top of your nose. He placed his chin on top of your head and held you close.

"Um, honey. I went to the supply store."

The colonel curiously looked down at your lovely face.

"The receptionist told me you forbade her from selling contraceptives. Is that true?"

The colonel nodded like it was natural. "Of course you shouldn't take pills."

You then sat up and separated from him. The colonel looked annoyed from the distance. He beckoned you back to his embrace.

You then got off the bed and stood next to it. The colonel narrowed his eyes at your disobedience. He gave you a warning look.

"I don't want any more babies." 

 "Remember what I said at the gym? When you sucked my dick?" He sat up from his position and swung his legs over the bed. "You no longer have an opinion. You will obey me."

Your eyes pricked with tears. "Five kids is enough."

The colonel got off the bed and stood to his height. "Don't lie. You love being pregnant. Minus the nausea. Besides, I have a feeling you might betray me again. I will fix your attitude."

You began to shake. You thought…

"You thought after that make up fuck we had last night will change my decision?" He sneered. "I said I love you. But, I don't trust you."

You began to back away and he menacingly followed you. Mocking you.

"You drugged my drink, you took my kids away from me, and you almost killed me multiple times. I would have killed you if you were not in my heart."

You sobbed and told him that he baby trapped you. 

The colonel grabbed your shoulders and slammed you against the wall. To his level your legs were lifted off the ground. 

"Says the gold digging whore who seduced me to help those science bitches years ago. You claim to be an independent woman. But you're a fuckin joke. A spoiled and entitled brat who uses her good looks and cunningness to get what she wants. You would always use your pretty face to persuade others to all your demands. But not me."

He breathed hard. "You're the weakest and most pathetic girl I ever met. You're everything I hate in a woman. I met real independent and tough women like Walker, Zdinarsik, and general Ardmore. But sadly, I fell in love with you of all people."

You felt his words shatter your heart. 

"You hate loving me?" You whispered. 

He nodded with a clenched jaw. "You ruined my fuckin life."

#avatar #miles quaritch #yandere miles quaritch x reader #miles quaritch x reader #yandere miles quaritch #dark miles quaritch #recom miles quaritch #avatar way of water #spider avatar

[nanawritesit]

Bodyguard!Baekhyun x Pregnant!Reader: Angst to Fluff

Anonymous said: “Hi! Could you write cold/bodyguard Baekhyun and pregnant reader? Baekhyun doesn't want the baby but reader resists. No angst end pleaseee. 😢”

TW: fem!reader, domestic angst, mentions of contraception, pregnancy, sex, and violence. brief mentions of suicide

——————

Your heart was beating out of your chest. Your palms were sweating profusely. You were shaking like a leaf.

You tried your best to ignore your growing anxiety, mindlessly going through the motions to prepare dinner for you and your husband. Of course he didn’t expect you to, but you wanted to surprise him. Especially because you were planning on presenting some big news to him. You might be pregnant.

To be honest, you weren’t sure how Baekhyun was going to act. He was religious about using condoms and always asked if you were taking your pills, so part of you was worried he absolutely did not want a baby. On the other hand, when you first got married he would sometimes fantasize about moving somewhere far away with you and starting a family. You didn’t know what to expect tonight, so you were obviously very nervous.

“Baby I’m home-“ a voice boomed from the entrance of your home. You croaked out a simple “kitchen” in response. You heard him set down his bag and begin to take off his boots, and after a while he appeared in your doorway. He was dressed in all black, like usual. God, he looked so rugged and strong. It’s no wonder you were knocked up. “Hey beautiful. How was your day?” he asked, coming up behind you to kiss your cheek.

“Oh…. the usual…” you lied, setting down your spatula. “Dinner’s almost ready.”

He was resting his head on your shoulder, lips pressing against your neck in the form of a few short kisses. “You didn’t have to cook, baby.” he chuckled.

“I know, I just thought it sounded… nice tonight.” you lied once again, nervously pushing yourself out of his grasp and huffing over to the other counter to cut up some vegetables. “You should go wash up, I’m almost done.”

“Yes ma’am.” he laughed, confused but going along.

You heaved a sigh of relief as he left the kitchen, busying yourself with setting the table. Soon he was back from the washroom and fixing up a plate. You both took your seats at the table and began eating dinner. You were too anxious to eat normally, picking at your food and taking small bites. He was the opposite, ravenously devouring the meat and vegetables with rice.

“You’re hungry today.” you commented, trying to make conversation to calm your nerves.

“Yeah, I am.” he chuckled, taking a sip of water. “Work was so rough today. Some crazy fan jumped at my client and I had to hold him off.”

“That sounds scary, are you okay?” you asked, concerned.

“Oh yeah, he wasn’t armed or anything. I guess I should’ve mentioned that.” he laughed at himself, and you joined him in spite of your anxiety.

“Yeah, just give your poor wife a heart attack why don’cha.” you giggled, pushing your plate away from you.

He looked up at you. “You done eating already?”

“Yeah, I’m not feeling too good tonight…” you told him. It wasn’t a huge lie, you did have a decent stomachache. That’s what led you to buy a pregnancy test in the first place.

You continued listening to him talk about his day at work, laughing at the funny parts and gasping at his stories of crazy people. Being married to a bodyguard was always interesting to say the least. Of course, it worried you how dangerous his line of work was, but you knew how much he loved it, and it at least gave you some interesting conversations. Before you knew it, he was done eating.

“That was delicious baby, thank you for cooking dinner.” he complimented you, reaching across the table to pat your hand. “Hey, do you wanna go get some ice cream for dessert? I’ll pay.”

“No I’m okay honey, like I said I don’t feel very good.” you told him.

“Man, you must be sick if you’re turning down ice cream.” he chuckled, giving your hand a light squeeze.

“Yeah, that’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about…” you began, sitting up in your chair.

“What, are you sick or something?” he asked, slightly concerned.

“Not exactly…” you explained, feeling your stomach tie into a knot. “I don’t know how to lead into this, so I guess I’ll just come out and say it. Baekhyun, I’m pregnant.”

He completely froze up. He didn’t move a single muscle for what felt like ages, then he just clicked his lips and brought a hand up to rub his brow bone. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I think you heard me Baek.” you laughed nervously.

“Are you absolutely sure?” he asked, looking into your eyes intensely. He wasn’t showing any emotion at all, which made it very hard to gauge his reaction.

“Babe I peed on like four sticks and they all said the same thing.” you blurted put, starting to feel defensive.

“I don’t understand. We use condoms every time we have sex.” he began, getting up and rushing to the bathroom to grab the box.

You sighed and rolled your eyes, then got up to follow after him. “Honey you know those only work like 98% of the time right?”

You found him in the bathroom, sifting through the trash with the box of condoms next to him. “There must have been a hole in it or something. I swear to God when I find that thing I’m gonna sue the company.”

“Baekhyun what is the big deal!” you asked, tugging on his shoulder. “Why can’t you just accept it?”

“Because I don’t want a baby right now Y/N!” he snapped, whipping around to look at you. There was an awkward moment of silence between the two of you, the tension in the room just having reached its climax.

“You don’t?” you asked meekly, swallowing the lump in your throat.

“Y/N, we’ve talked about this…” he sighed, getting up to stand in front of you. “I have no business being a father when I work in such a dangerous environment.”

“Okay, so do I not have any say in whether or not I want to be a mother?” you asked, starting to get angry.

“That’s not what I said.” he stated flatly. “Do you know what it’s like to go to work every day and know that you might get hurt, or even killed? Now imagine having that knowledge with a family involved. If anything happens to me, this kid doesn’t have a dad anymore. Do you want that for them?”

You started to feel tears prick at your eyes. You bit your lip and looked at the ground, choking down the sobs that threatened to erupt from your throat. “Do you not consider me your family?” you asked finally.

His mouth dropped open a tiny bit at the accusation, baffled that he had implied such a thing. “Yes, I do. I don’t know why I said it that way, but that’s not what I meant.”

“Because maybe you shouldn’t have married me if you’re so worried about dying everyday!” you shrieked, finally snapping. The tears were streaming down your face like a waterfall and you could hardly breathe. You wanted to scream.

“Honey, I-“ he reached a hand out towards you, but you pushed his arm away and shoved your way past him and out of the bathroom.

Baekhyun immediately turnt around and tried to follow you into your bedroom, but you were too quick to slam the door behind you and lock it.

“Babe!” he pleaded, fiddling with the door knob and knocking urgently. When you have no response, he sighed and rested his head on the door. “Okay… I can see we’re not getting anywhere like this. I’ll give you some time to yourself. I’m gonna go take a walk. I love you.”

——————

Baekhyun didn’t know how to feel as he walked through the park. He never liked seeing you upset, and he tried his best to never be the reason. But he just couldn’t accept the idea of having children.

It wasn’t that he didn’t like kids… he got along with them just fine. And he’d be lying if he said he didn’t fantasize from time to time about starting a family with you. However, he thought that was as far as it should go. Fantasies, not reality.

He exhaled into the cold air, hands shoved in the pockets of his leather jacket, before plopping down on a park bench to collect his thoughts. As he was disassociating, he noticed a man and a woman playing with what looked like their young daughter. She had to be around five years old. They all looked so happy.

He knew he eventually wanted kids. Just not now. Work was too stressful.

But when was it not going to be? Was there ever really going to be a good time to have a baby?

Baekhyun began to look closer at the man. He wondered if he had any worries about his capabilities as a father. Did he ever regret settling down?

He took one last look at his face, and noticed the bright smile upon it. As the man stared at the woman and child next to him, he looked as if he had everything he ever wanted right in front of him. It was honestly pretty easy to envision himself as the man, and you as the woman. He really liked thinking about what your child would look like. What features of his they would have, and which of yours… raising them, protecting them, and keeping them safe…

That was something he was confident he could do. He kept people safe all day at work. He also enjoyed feeling like he protected you and your home. Would it really be so difficult to add a little one to his list? People tried so hard to have kids everyday, and you were both just given one with hardly any effort.

He knew you would be a terrific mother. He saw the way you looked at other parents with their children… the loving sparkle in your eyes when you played with kids. You wanted it more than anything, but with him always shying away from the idea, you never talked about it.

It was then that he realized, he could give you that. In fact, he already had. You were probably so excited to tell him, and with the way he reacted…. oh god, he felt just horrible. He immediately sprung up and started jogging back to your apartment.

———————

“Baby?” he cried out as he burst through the front door of your home. He wanted to see you so bad that he didn’t even bother to take off his boots or jacket.

He instinctively started running for the bedroom, as it was the last place he saw you. But as soon as he got there, the door was open and you were nowhere to be seen. He glanced over to the bathroom to see the door shut, signaling that you were in there.

“Baby!” he called for you, reaching for the doorknob. The door was locked, and you weren’t answering. All he could hear was the water running, so he immediately assumed the worst.

“Y/N!” he exclaimed, pounding on the door rapidly. He was freaking out. He knew what he had to do. He took a few steps back, then leapt forward and broke the door open.

You jumped at the sudden intrusion from your place in the bathtub.

“Baekhyun what the hell!” you shrieked, ripping your earbuds out of your ears.

He breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of you. “You weren’t answering and I heard the water running, so I was worried…”

“Oh my gosh, no. I’m not going to drown myself just because you don’t want our baby.” you huffed. “I just wanted to take a bubble bath to clear my head.”

He kneeled down next to the tub and reached for your hand. You hesitated, but let him hold it.

“Y/N, I want to have this baby with you.” he told you.

“Do you actually?” you asked sharply, shooting daggers at him with your gaze. “Or are you just telling me that to make me happy? I’m only going to raise this kid with you if we both want it.”

“No, I’m not saying I’ll just be ‘okay’ with it. I genuinely want to be a father. ” he reassured you, reaching forward to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear.

You looked over him suspiciously. “What changed your mind?”

He placed his hand softly on your cheek. “When I was at the park, I saw a family playing together. They looked so happy together. I started to think of all the wonderful things I’d gain from being a father. All the memories we could make as a family, all the love we have to share with our child…”

You started to relax into his touch, leaning more towards him. “What kind of memories?”

“Teaching our kid how to walk and talk, taking them to school, taking them to the park…” he started listing, looking at you with an excited sparkle in his eyes. “I’d like to take them to Disney World. We can all make breakfast together, throw them birthday parties, read them stories…”

You smiled at him lovingly. “You’ll be an amazing dad Baekhyun.”

“And you are going to be the most amazing mother in the world.” he continued. “You’re so kind, and patient, and smart, and strong… I hope our baby is just like you.” He suddenly plunged one of his hands under the water to touch your tummy. “I’m so excited to go on this journey with you Y/N. I’m so sorry my first reaction was so horrible.”

“You’d better be.” you teased, splashing some water up at him. “Every woman’s worst nightmare is getting pregnant and the father wanting nothing to do with them. I was worried I was going to have to leave you and move in with my mother!”

He laughed at you, wiping the water off of his cheek. “I promise you, as long as I’m living, I’ll be by your side. I’ll take you to all your doctors appointments, buy you all the food you’re craving, give you back rubs… You won’t have to lift a finger for the next nine months. And if you go into labor while I’m at work, I’ll just tell my client they’ll have to protect themselves and hop in a cab.”

You giggled as you imagined the scenario. “Well you don’t have to do that, but I appreciate the sentiment. I’m so glad you’re ready to start a family.”

“I really am.” he told you. He leaned forward to place a tender kiss on your lips. “Now, would you like some company in that big lonely tub?”

“Yes I would.” you chirped in reply.

Maybe telling your husband about your pregnancy didn’t go exactly as you’d planned. But the two of you never really went the traditional route anyway. You knew that the two of you could overcome any obstacle, big or small. All you needed was each other. Soon, you would be parents. And you couldn’t wait to meet your little baby.

#baekhyun x reader #baekhyun imagine #baekhyun scenario #baekhyun fanfic #baekhyun headcanons #byun baekhyun #bodyguard!au #exo scenarios #exo imagines #exo x reader #superm imagines #superm scenarios #baekhyun angst #baekhyun fluff #domestic au

[bemydoctor]

The Cold Shadow

Title: The Cold Shadow

Summary: Bucky is sinking slowly. He is overwhelmed by negative thoughts of the worst kind. Trouble is, he can’t climb back up on his own. Fortunately for him, he doesn’t have to.

Characters: Bucky Barnes & Sam Wilson

Trigger warnings: sleep deprivation, alcohol and drug abuse, thoughts of suicide and self-harm, mention of blood, depression, PTSD, mentions of nightmares and night terrors

Other tags: Language, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Sad!Bucky, Crying!Bucky, Sam Wilson is a good friend, Bucky Barnes needs a hug, Bucky Barnes gets a hug, Bucky Barnes feels

Notes: Dealing with PTSD is a roller coaster. There are ups and downs, good moments and bad ones. This fic is in no way insinuating that he will miraculously get better after an episode like this. It’s just a chapter on his journey to recovery. It puts him on a path that is hopefully forward and maybe we can hope the next drop of this roller coaster won’t sent him as far back down and he will be better prepared to deal with it and ask for help. All my knowledge on the subject comes from TV shows or other works of fiction besides Google and YouTube, and not from any sort of professional qualification or personal experience. Edited by myself. Please message me if you find anything I might have missed.

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/44369254/chapters/111587995

Words: 4016

>---<

Bucky listed to the side slowly, eyelids drifting close. His sluggish brain’s delayed response was to get his body upright again.

He blinked blearily, feeling like he was glued to the floor, as if gravity had increased tenfold turning his limbs to lead. His metal arm was so heavy it was just a useless hunk of metal beside him. Moving the fingers on that hand too much of an effort to even bother trying. Anyone who saw it would think it wasn’t even properly connected to his body.

Sometimes, his head would start falling, eyes rolling to the back. On occasion he would catch himself, forcing his mind to work for long enough to lift it again. It wouldn’t stay like that for long and gravity would soon resume its course. Usually, however, it was his head abruptly falling forward and almost hitting his bent knees that would get him to snap it up again. Not too much though. There wasn’t enough energy left in him to get him very far.

He tried to keep his eyelids from drooping, to at least keep them a sliver apart. The tiny slit of blue from the wall across from him slowly getting thinner and thinner. No amount of trying would get him to pry them open again.

A particularly sudden fall of his head woke him. He sluggishly raised it back, getting it to a position it wouldn’t take too much effort to keep it up.

If he had the energy, he would smile for finally getting his mind empty enough to make everything go numb. No amount of alcohol, pills or needles had managed that, his super soldier metabolism too fast to let any of that have any effect. For a moment he had even considered cutting himself. Maybe blood loss would be able to get him there. But then the exhaustion from several unslept days made him consider this.

His dreams had gotten bad enough that sleep was even more torture than wakefulness. Of course, being awake meant thinking too much, feeling too much, hurting too much. But sleeping was even worse. Without any barriers, his subconscious would take over and the nightmares were at a point in which waking up was getting more and more difficult leaving him stuck in a never-ending loop of terror. He would wake up with a sob, drenched in sweat, face covered with tears, lungs sucking in so much air it felt he would pass out straight back to sleep.

So he gave up on sleep altogether.

And right now, because of that, he felt like heaven.

His mind could barely come up with the idea of keeping his body from falling down. Any and all thought had drifted away several hours ago. He was floating in clouds. Finally at peace.

Was this what it would have felt like if the needles had worked?

A deep sense of calm overwhelmed him. He wished he could stay there forever. To just drift away and never wake up again.

Finally be free.

>---<

Sam called Bucky’s name again, his banging on the door more frantic this time.

“Bucky, I know you are in there. Open the door.”

He waited a few beats.

He banged more insistently. “You can’t hide from me, I’m tracking your phone.” More seconds passed. “Bucky, if you don’t open this door, I swear to god I’ll kick it open.”

Still nothing.

Sam sighed. His concern had turned to annoyance when Bucky wouldn’t open the door, but the silence brought the worry back, fiercer than before. This didn’t feel right.

Yes, Bucky would ignore him. He would make Sam wait and knock several times. He would ignore him away, then grumble and groan but would eventually open the door, if only to grunt at Sam and tell him to leave.

Sam shook his head, trying to keep his voice level.

“Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he said as a last attempt to ease the worry away.

He tried the doorknob, not surprised to see it locked. He looked around the nearly empty street. He lowered himself and looked under the mat, finding nothing there. He tried the empty pots on the dead garden next to the entrance and under the rocks nearby.

“Shit!” he swore under his breath.

He would imagine Bucky to be the type to have more than one lock, so even if Sam managed to pick the obvious one, there would be others on the inside.

Sam took in a deep breath and decided to try the window. It was higher than he would have liked but he eventually managed to get it open. He looked around again, hoping no one had called the cops on him.  

He jumped through. “Bucky?”

He continued across the empty living space not seeing much out of place until he stopped by the kitchen counter. It was littered with empty whisky and pill bottles scattered around. He picked up a rubber tourniquet, the kind used to give someone an injection. He saw the empty syringes inside the sink and ominous thoughts swam through his mind.

He forced his legs to move again, his heart now hammering in his chest. He turned into the corridor that led to the bedroom then rushed to his friend’s side.

“Bucky!”

Shaky hands hovered over the limp form on the floor. For a moment he retracted them, too scared to proceed. He swallowed thickly and took in the sight of his friend. No obvious signs of injury or smells that could indicate he had overdosed. He wasn’t even clammy. In fact, he was still breathing. Not only that, but his breaths were deep and steady, and Sam realized the man was asleep. Really very asleep.

“Hey, Bucky!” he whispered, trying not to touch him. When he got no response, he tried again, this time in his normal tone. “Buck, wake up!”

Bucky hadn’t even changed his breathing rhythm. Sam took in a deep breath, resisting the urge to call an ambulance. He remembered the empty bottles of medicine on the counter. They wouldn’t have worked on him. He knew super soldiers couldn’t keep drugs in their systems for long enough for them to have any effect. Not without an elephant-sized dose on a constant IV drip.

But that didn’t mean the man wouldn’t try. If he was desperate enough.

“Hey, Buck, it’s Sam.” He touched his friend’s shoulder gently. “Bucky!” He shook him slightly.

No response. He let out a shuddering breath.

Sam shook him. “Wake up, Bucky!” he said more loudly.

This time, he noticed a slight change and the dread started to fade away. Bucky was alright. Just sleeping.

“C’mon, man. Just wake up.”

Sam tapped Bucky’s cheeks which seemed to rouse him a bit. He continued tapping away, not stopping even after he saw eyes squinting and a moan escaping his lips.

“That’s right, open your eyes for me.” He stopped his ministrations to look at him.

When it seemed like Bucky would fall right back to sleep, Sam continued slapping the man gently.

“Ngh.”

A pathetic arm movement that Sam could only guess it was Bucky’s attempt at waving him off made Sam grab Bucky’s chin to turn his head at him.

“Don’t go all lazy on me. Open your eyes.” he said firmly.

“Shhh. Go ‘way.”

Sam grabbed the limp man’s arm and forced him to a sitting position. Bucky slumped a bit and Sam pulled him back up again. Bucky’s reluctance was making Sam’s worry climb up his esophagus. He swallowed it back down. When Bucky started relaxing again Sam held him upright.

“Na, uh. Stay!” Sam commanded.

“M not a puppy,” he slurred.

“Then stop behaving like one. Now open your damn eyes!”

Eyelids fluttered for a few moments before slowly prying open. Bleary eyes blinked slowly, seeming to have difficulty focusing on him.

“Hey,” he said softly. Sam lifted the man’s chin and looked into his eyes, one at a time. He didn’t see anything that would normally worry him.

They started to close again.

“No. Keep looking at me.” Sam continued to search Bucky’s eyes for anything of concern.

Bucky finally focused on him. His brows drew together in annoyance. He rubbed his eyes then had to gall to pout his lips like a petulant child.

“What the hell, man? What happened?”

“I was taking a nap! What does it look like?” He waved around.

“Here? On the floor? In the middle of the corridor?”

Bucky shrugged. “Good place as any,” he murmured.

“What about, I don’t know, the bed?” Sam waved his arms around towards the bedroom.

Bucky brought his knees up against his chest and looped his arms around them. He supported his head on them. “Why are you here?” he said tiredly.

“Because I was worried about you. I’ve been texting and calling you for days!” He sat down in front of him. “Jesus, Bucky, I thought you were dead!”

He lifted his head. “Well, obviously I’m not. Now, will you leave?”

Sam sighed and ran a hand over his face. He looked at Bucky, examining him. The dark circles under his eyes, disheveled hair, unkept beard, and he didn’t need to sniff the air to know he hadn’t showered in days. His heart sank.

Bucky huffed. “Why are you still here?”

“Bucky, please, talk to me. I want to help.”

“Then leave me the fuck alone!” He shook his shoulder away from the hand Sam was about to place there.

Sam shook his head. “That’s all you have to say?”

“What do you want me to say, Sam?” His voice cracked and Sam’s heart also cracked a little along with it.

“You need to let me help you, Bucky.”

>---<

Sam moved to sit next to him then just stayed there by his side, their bodies touching. Bucky felt Sam’s body heat and released a shuddering breath, resisting the urge to lean onto him. For several moments Sam was a constant solid presence that wouldn’t let go. “You are not getting rid of me,” he said.

Bucky hid his face on his hands. For several moments, his entire existence was solely focused on getting a hold of himself and yet the vice grip around his chest wouldn’t let go. He felt it tighten and spread all over his body like a cold shadow that turned everything into misery. The pressure inside his head was getting stronger and stronger until it turned into tears that started to sting at his eyes. He suppressed a sniffle and tried to breathe through it but his eyes continued getting wetter by the minute. He started trembling and couldn’t stop himself.

A warm hand circled around his back. Bucky felt himself lose control when the gentle touch pulled him for an embrace. He let himself breakdown for no other reason than the fact he no longer had the energy to hold back. He buried himself on Sam’s shoulder and simply let go. The hand rubbed circles on his back through his tremors, but it only made the weeping turn into desperate sobs.

He gripped tightly and gave up fighting the tsunami of emotions that flooded out of him. He felt himself unable to stop. Every single tear that his body had ever produced overflowed out of him along with all the snot and spit too. He shook uncontrollably and wrapped his hands around Sam.

Sam held him through wails that felt like it would never end. Every single bad emotion that had clung to his chest over the last several weeks, months, years, being washed away.

Time seemed to have stopped. He didn’t know how long it lasted. He felt like he had been sucked into a vortex and come out the other side dazed and muddled. He sniffed away the last few sobs and broke away from Sam, still shaking, feeling a weird sort of disconnect between himself and his body. He was exhausted. Everything moved too slowly. He sat on the floor, shoulders hunched down, mind numb.

“You good?”

Bucky nodded, not trusting his voice to work.

“Why don’t you take a shower? That will help, ok?”

Bucky nodded again, too tired to argue.

Sam stood then an arm appeared in Bucky’s field of vision. He took the arm and gingerly got up onto his feet. Sam held onto him until he was sure he wouldn’t fall.

Bucky walked timidly, still feeling out of sorts. When he got into the bathroom, the water was already running.

“Do you need any help?”

Bucky shook his head and supported his weight against the sink, looking away.

“Okay,” Sam said before he left, leaving the door open.

Bucky shed his clothes and stepped under the stream, the hot water easing the knots he hadn’t realized he had. For several minutes that’s all that he did. He breathed through the numbness and eventually managed to find the energy to scrub himself.

By the time he was finished, he could barely keep himself upright.  He put on the clean pair of sweatpants Sam had left for him at some point during his stupor.

He turned his head slowly when he heard footsteps approaching.

“Hungry? I made you an omelet.”

Bucky shrugged.

“C’mon. It’s ready.”

He sighed, too spent to do anything else. Sam had gone through all that trouble; he might as well try. He dragged his feet all the way to the stool behind the counter where the plate was laid out.

He managed to take a few bites before he found himself unable to swallow any more. He pushed the plate away, looking sheepishly at Sam.

“What about the juice?” Sam looked at him across from the counter.

Bucky forced a few gulps down then put the glass down, surprised to find it empty.

Sam rounded the counter. “C’mon. Time for bed.”

“I’m not a child,” Bucky muttered, shaking his shoulder to get Sam’s hand off.

The comment seemed to have no effect because Sam continued to supervise Bucky all the way into the bedroom. Bucky practically collapsed onto the bed.

“You don’t need to tuck me in too,” he mumbled, even though Sam was already pulling a blanket over him.

He really wanted to complain again, but his eyes were already closing and whatever it was he was going to say, he figured it must be less important than the gentle pull of sleep.

>---<

He woke up surrounded by gentle darkness. A faint light came through the window and Bucky figured it must be nearly morning.

He stared at the ceiling.

It was weird. He felt well rested. His body was relaxed, and his mind refreshed. He tried to remember the last time he felt that way.

He couldn’t.

Then, memories came back to him. The bottles, the pills, the syringes. Sleep depriving himself for days in the hopes of a short reprieve. The thoughts of maybe not waking up again.

And Sam.

He shuffled to the edge of the bed and placed his bare feet down, standing up. He realized his bladder was nearly bursting so he made his way to the bathroom.

After he was done, he followed the faint light and stepped into the living room, finding Sam sitting on the lone armchair in the middle of the room, reading his copy of The Hobbit. Upon hearing Bucky’s footsteps, he looked up, putting the book down.

“Hey, sleepyhead.” He stood. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine,” he said, failing to contain the annoyed edge to his voice. He shouldn’t be annoyed. Sam was trying to help.

He walked over to the stool and sat down, noticing that all trash had vanished from his place. He also saw that his sink was empty and that the marble had been scrubbed clean. His shoulders sank.

“You didn’t have to clean up.”

Sam walked over to him. “Yes, I had. This place was disgusting.” He moved over to the fridge. “Hungry? I can heat up the rest of that omelet.”

Bucky scratched the back of his head. “What time is it? How long was I out?”

Despite Bucky’s lack of an answer, Sam had taken the omelet out of the fridge and was putting it in the microwave. “I don’t think you want to know the answer to the second question, but it is now sunrise.”

Bucky’s eyebrows rose. “You stayed here all night? Where did you sleep?”

“Don’t worry about that.” Sam shrugged and placed the food in front of Bucky.

Bucky slumped his shoulders, guilt and shame seeping into him. “I’m sorry. You didn’t have to do any of that. Shouldn’t have.” He looked down at the steaming plate, the smell making his stomach growl. “Not for me, anyway,” he continued softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Of course I had to. You’re my friend, Bucky.”

Bucky looked up at him finding it hard to find any words.

He looked down again. “Why?”

Sam chuckled. “What do you mean why?”

He sighed. “Well…” He looked straight at Sam. “The first time you saw me, I ripped the steering wheel off your car before crashing it with you still inside. The second time, I tore your wing out then kicked you down to what should have been your death. Then the third time, after blowing up a tunnel on top of you, I knocked you out, trying to escape custody.” He ran a hand over his face. “Do I need to continue?”

Sam laughed.

The man actually laughed.

“Yeah, but that wasn’t you.”

Bucky shook his head.

He grabbed the fork and started to pick at his omelet, suddenly finding himself too hungry to continue the conversation.

“C’mon. After you finish up, get changed. We’re going out.”

Bucky whipped his head up. “Where are we going?”

Sam waved at his fridge. “You need stuff. Besides three eggs, all you had inside was an empty carton of milk. An empty one. What kind of animal puts an empty carton back into the fridge?”

Bucky decided his eggs were more interesting and was in the middle of stabbing it with a fork when an alarm went off. He looked at the direction it was coming from, seeing his phone next to the TV, blinking and blaring at him.

“Ah, yes. I took the liberty of setting up a few alarms on your phone.”

“What for?” Bucky asked making his way to silence the damn thing. He unlocked it and saw a series of alarms programed into it, all with different names. This one was for waking up. The next one for breakfast. There was one for cleaning, showering, cooking...

“So you don’t forget to take care of yourself.”

Bucky continued to scroll through, finding his entire routine loosely timed out for him. He ground his teeth. “How did you even unlock it?”

Sam smiled. “Did you know you are a very heavy sleeper?”

Bucky slumped back onto the stool and tossed his phone aside.

“Look,” Sam started. “I just want to make sure you don’t spiral out of control again. Keeping a routine might help. And if you hate it, you can always change it to something you like.”

Bucky let go of his fork, suddenly having lost his appetite.

“Keeping busy is a great way to stop thinking about things you shouldn’t be thinking about,” Sam continued. “Keeping a stocked fridge, having stuff inside your place, doing something you like.”

“I don’t need stuff,” he mumbled.

“Yes, you do. You need shelves.” He waved at an empty wall. “Then you need stuff to put on the shelves.” He pointed at an empty space on the floor. “You also need a couch. You know why I didn’t sleep? Because you got nowhere for me to.” He paused. “You need a coffee table. Some magazines to put on it. A side table over there.” More pointing. “And then some more stuff to put on it. Some pictures on the walls would be nice. Some plants that aren’t dead, knickknacks, throw pillows, I don’t know, whatever it takes to make this place feel like it’s yours.” He walked closer to him. “I can help you with all of that. You don’t even need to ask.” He tilted his head. “In fact, I insist. And if you don’t go shopping with me, I’ll go by myself and buy everything on my own and have it delivered. Possibly choosing the worst possible color.”

Bucky finally looked up at him.

“When you wake up and open your eyes, you will find yourself somewhere that feels like it belongs to you. Not an empty shell.”

“What if I can’t stop thinking, Sam?” His tone was quiet, defeated. He slumped even further onto the stool.

“Then you can talk to me.” He took a deep breath. “If reading a book, going to the movies and cooking dinner won’t work, you call me. Talk to me, yell at me, doesn’t matter, just don’t keep everything in then try to pour it out in all the wrong ways.”

Bucky suddenly felt his chest constricting again and had to breathe through several times to get himself back under control. “I don’t know how.” His voice still sounded hoarse.

“Then I’ll help you. Because that’s what friends do.” Sam placed a hand on his shoulder. “You are not in this alone and I’m sorry if I made you feel like you were.”

Tears started to sting at his eyes. He blinked them away. He still felt like he didn’t deserve any of it. He certainly didn’t deserve Sam.

He sniffed and wiped away the tears. He was tired. He was bone tired of always feeling like his body weighed a hundred tons. That every step was a chore and that every moment that he lived was one he didn’t deserve. He was tired of thinking, he was tired of feeling, he was tired of being miserable. He looked up at Sam.

“Can you try that for me?”

Bucky shrugged a shoulder. “Don’t know.”

“C’mon. Get dressed.”

Bucky looked out of the window. “It’s too early.”

“You’ll be surprised how early some places open.”

He didn’t know that was true or not but he knew there was no fighting him. Sam would keep bugging him and bossing him around so he just complied.

“Fine.”

>---<

The door closed behind him and Bucky made his way to the kitchen. Sam walked over to the counter and placed the shopping bags down, Bucky following suit. There were too many things, in way too many bags, what seemed like an excessive amount of food for someone that grew up during the Great Depression. Bucky placed his hands on the counter and just stared.

Sam started to take packages out of the bags and spreading them around. “Are you going to help or not?”

By the time they were done, cupboards were full and the fridge fully stocked. Everything from canned foods that could feed him for a year, to just enough vegetables to last a week.

“I still don’t think it was all necessary.”

Sam ignored his comment, talking the items that weren’t food over near the armchair. He looked back at Bucky then let go of the stack of books and magazines on what seemed like an imaginary coffee table. The items scattered across the floor.

There was something about the scene that almost made Bucky chuckle, but he resisted the urge.

“Come on. You thought that was funny. Admit it.”

Bucky glared at him. “Hilarious.”

“Yes, it was.”

Sam was now grinning, his unwavering smile lighting up the room. Bucky failed to keep his lip from quirking slightly upwards. He rested his hands on his hips and shook his head, lowering it until his chin touched his chest.

“That was so fucking stupid.”

Sam raised a shoulder. “Whatever works, man.”

Bucky let himself finally smile. It wasn’t a grin, and it didn’t quite reach his eyes, but it was the smile from someone that was finally feeling warm air after weeks of being freezing cold.

“Thanks, Sam.”

>---<

#fanfic #marvel fanfic #marvel #bucky barnes one shot #bucky barnes #sad bucky #sam wilson #sam and bucky #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes has ptsd #bucky barnes has nightmares #sam wilson is a good friend #sam wilson is a saint #sam wilson is a gift #tfatws #fic: tfatws #fic: mine #the falcon and the winter soldier #recovery #bucky barnes feels #emotional hurt/comfort #bucky barnes fic

[potatodog]

Auto Pilot(Staff Sergeant William James

an: since no one else will write for him, I will :] word count: 1,241

You had just been transferred as part of the Delta Company. One year to go. This wasn't torture, just another way of fleeing from feeling. Your life had been on auto pilot now for some time. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*flashback*

Your mother  has just gotten the call. The call that your older brother, Mathew, had been killed in a school shooting while protecting three other people. 

Your father was absent from the time you were born but he decided that it was time to come back. Your Mom had fallen into a deep hole of depression and couldn't care for you. Your father was a drunken fool, and your mom finally had enough and sent him away. You had to care for her and the house, forced to live the life of an adult and just 13.

*end of flashback*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were 110 days left of your rotation, but you would probably stay on because you had nowhere else to go.  While in the camp, you had grown close to SSG William James. The two of you have had a little bit of light in the dark to share together. 

Your thoughts had been chasing you throughout the mission and you had to deal with them sooner or later. Later is what you decided, unfortunately your head didn't agree. 

'9 o'clock. Finally bed time,' you thought, exiting the bathroom trailer and turning to go to yours, across for James's. The dread in your chest that had been marinating suddenly swelled enough to fill the ocean. You felt your legs start shaking, pins and needles poking at your skin. Rapidly tapping your chest, you sank down by your front door, unable to breathe properly. Tears were falling freely now. 

"I can't- not now," you whispered like a mantra barely above a wisp of air leaving your lips. You had started shaking your hands in an attempt to calm down. It made the pins poking at your skin lessen, but it didn't help your breathing. Your chest felt like it was on fire. 

James had taken that moment to leave and go wash up. Seeing you having an attack, he ran over.

" hey love, it's alright I'm here now. Let's go inside, yeah?"

You shook your head and allowed him to grasp your hand, leading you inside. He closed the door as you sat down, trying to breathe again. Tears were still streaming. Your throat was dry and itchy.

He got the water bottle from beside your bed and handed it to you. After drinking well over half of it you said thank you. He sat next to you on the bed

"S'no problem," he said rubbing your shoulders, easing the tension.

The crying had lessened now, and your legs didn't feel as much like jello as they did 10 minutes ago. 

"D'you wanna talk," He asked quietly. 

"Only if you want to hear about my life from 13 to current."

"Of course."

"Well, when I was 13 years old, my older brother, Mathew, was shot in a school shooting at his college. He died a hero, protecting 3 other people, including his boyfriend's little sister. After that my mom got so depressed that I had to take care her and my younger sister. At 13 i was forced to assume the identity of both parents for her. Which meant that I couldn't process my feelings. When I was 14 my dad showed up demanding me and my sister. My mom pulled herself out of her hole and told him to go fuck himself. So that was nice. Then my mom got better, we thought she was fine. After school a few months later, I came home and..." You stopped, a few tears falling at the memory of her lying there. James reassuringly grabbed your hand.

"It's ok. You don't have to tell me."

"No-I... you deserve to know. She had been suicidal and I tried to get rid of all the guns and pills, but one gun i kept. My father's pistol that he gave to me when mom told him to leave. He said to me 'keep this safe, it might come in handy someday' and so I kept it. And. And my mom, she found it."

"Oh god. I'm sorry, love I'm so sorry, he said opening his arms asking for a hug. You accepted his arms. Leaning in, you grasped him tightly as if he would leave if you let go. He wrapped an arm around your waist and stroked your hair softly. 

Over an hour later, you had fallen asleep in his arms. You woke up and saw him still holding you.

"James did you really stay the whole time I was out? You could have left."

"I know. I wanted to stay. You're like a heater," he said, chuckling.

"What time is it," you inquired, getting up to put on a sweatshirt.

"10:34."

"D'you wanna stay over tonight," you asked, secretly hoping he would.

"If that's alright with you. I have to run over and get some pyjamas." And then he left. You felt foolish for falling for him so hard, but he was solid and there. He had never given you reason to doubt him, even if he was reckless and it was a war, you felt you could trust him to come back. He had told you about Connie, his ex wife who had his son and he had told you about how glad he was that she knew that it wasn't going to work out between them, and how it had been a clean divorce leaving the two of them on good terms before their son was born. They were still good friends. 

The sound of knocking woke you from your trance. Opening the door, James was there of course, hotter than ever in a tight white tee-shirt and gray sweats.

“I brought my dvds. I have Dodgeball and Hellboy,” he said, brandishing them.

“I love hellboy!”

After setting the movie up, you got some snacks out and settled in. You both got under the covers and James wrapped and arm around you.

Almost completely through the movie, you abruptly asked him a question. Since you had met, he asked to be called James, his last name. His first name was William, but for some reason he didn’t like it. The thought had been nagging at you for months now and what better time than the present?

“James?”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“I’m sorry if this is random, but why don’t you go by your first name, William?”

“My father was a deadbeat dick head, and he forced my mom to name me after him. He was quite abusive towards us.  One day after drinking with his sluggard pals, he decided it was a great idea to drive intoxicated. On the highway a trucker ran into him, killing him. I was 10. After that I introduced myself as James because I wanted his memory gone. 

“Damn. He got what he deserved,” you said into his chest whilst hugging him tightly.

“Now whaddaya say we sleep,” James said while the end credits rolled. 

Stifling a yawn, you got up and turned the light off. While climbing back into bed, you turned away from him to sleep. He grabbed you and pulled you close, spooning he and burying his face in your neck.

“Much better,” he mumbled.

That night you got the best sleep of your life. 

#The hurt locker2008 #jeremy renner #william James #the hurt locker #x reader #x you #fluff #fluff with angst #angst #reader insert #cuddles

[quietly-by-myself]

Shadow By My Fireplace - Chapter 29

Masterlist

In which, Cyril breaks down.

Thank you as usual to @darkthingshappen for beta reading. You're amazing.

CW: drug/alcohol addiction (opioids), opioids, overdose and death due to overdose, hospital setting, chronic illness, panic attack, caretaker has a breakdown, hospital whump, mass shooting mention, minor character death, brief suicide mention, emeto

===

One of the questions Cyril would have never been able to answer clearly was simple. What would happen if somebody he loved walked into the emergency department, dying?

Of course, there was always another doctor on call for that very reason. Nobody could act objectively. 

Well.

That was the ideal. Sometimes, it happened, in those smaller, less equipped hospitals, the more rural ones that Cyril found himself working at, that doctors were alone to manage an entire emergency department. Sometimes, the other attending called out sick. Sometimes, the residents just quit. Hours were longer in rural hospitals. The patients were sicker, poorer, more in need. 

In cities, perhaps doctors were praised. In rural medicine, Cyril was lucky to see a patient before they cut their own melanoma off. A backache in the rural emergency department was never just a backache. 

That night that haunted Cyril every night was a particularly bloody one, but not because of a gang turf war or mass nightclub shooting like in the cities.

No, the plague of the country was far less dramatic: oxycodone. 

Well, oxycodone was how it all started, at least. It was like a hydra. Once the doctor who’d been paid to overprescribe left, the problem sprouted two more heads. Cyril remembered in high school when only a few people knew the word “oxycodone.” Now, everyone knew it, along with heroin, codeine, and fentanyl. 

All it took was one miscalculation and Cyril would be working twenty-four hours on his feet, fighting to save life after life that just didn’t get Narcan in time.

They had a word for it.

Oxycuted. 

Cyril never thought it would be someone he knew. 

However, that night, when a bad batch had found its way into town, everything changed.

The attending was down with the flu. They only had one resident on staff. Cyril’s eyes were red from a lack of sleep and far too many caffeine pills.

He wanted to go outside to smoke. However, there were far too many people pouring in, mothers with sons and sons with sisters.

Everything in Cyril’s world fell apart when the stretcher with paramedics came rushing in the back.

“Code Blue. Code Blue.”

Cyril froze. He recognized the face.

Oliver.

Oliver. The one he’d grown up with. The one he’d had his first cig with. The one that had asked him to start a band when he knew what little talent he had.

Oliver. His best friend.

What little food Cyril had managed to fit in between patients immediately came up. One of the nurses rushed over to him as he huddled over one of the hallway trash cans.

“Dr. Galanos, are you okay?”

Cyril shook his head. “It’s Oliver. Oliver Marchmont.”

The nurse looked at him sadly. “Dr. Galanos, you’re the only doctor here tonight. I’ll call Dr. Tharby to see if he can come in.”

Cyril knew what that meant. He stood up, accepting the paper-thin tissue that the nurse gave him.

As Cyril had to test Oliver’s reflexes to ensure his death after thirty minutes of trying to save him, the moment of peace they held for him didn’t feel real.

However, when Cyril had to see Oliver’s mother, tell her that her baby boy was dead, he couldn’t take it anymore. Holding her in his arms as she cried and cried and cried was too much for Cyril.

That night, he cried as he smoked his last cigarette. Cyril never cried. But, that night, he nearly jumped off a bridge from the depths of his sorrow. He felt like an awful person. Why was he the one who had to tell that woman, the one who was practically a second mother to him?

He would never return to the hospital.

In fact, after a few months, he never returned to medicine at all.

The farther he was from the hospital, the better. So, he moved where there wasn’t one for thirty miles.

His little cabin in the woods.

—

Sacha awoke during the night in pain. It wasn’t out of the ordinary, exactly. Sacha had lived most of his life since Master bought him in pain. Even then, five months after Master’s death, Sacha was still in pain.

Cyril had explained that it was likely permanent. Nerve damage, he’d called it. Pain from injuries that never healed correctly, too. Those years of medical neglect and endless tortures had taken its toll on Sacha’s body: neuropathy, migraines, essential tremor, tinnitus, vasovagal syncope, and a lot of other diagnoses that he didn’t care to remember.

Luckily, Cyril wasn’t Master. He gave Sacha medical care. He gave Sacha medicine. A pill of acetaminophen and a pill of ibuprofen did the trick most of the time. Cyril had offered to try to get him on longer-term treatment, but Sacha didn’t like taking pills. He’d take medicine when he needed it. 

That night, the pain was bad enough that he decided on two acetaminophen and one ibuprofen. 

He rummaged through the bottles in the medicine cabinet and pulled out what he thought were the bottles he needed.

As he laid his head down, Sacha felt especially sleepy. The pain was going away in a different way than usual. Sacha almost recognized it, but the medicine was also taking away any worry that he might have.

Before long, Sacha’s head hit the pillow and his eyes closed.

—

Cyril awoke with a start. Nightmares of the time before his cabin in the woods, that time before Sacha, had plagued him recently.

He was getting awfully tired of seeing dead bodies in his sleep. He was tired of seeing their lifeless eyes and their bleeding bodies. In some ways, his experience with Sacha had triggered it all to come back. He’d stopped practicing medicine because he didn’t feel like he was actually saving people. Now, in order to save someone who genuinely needed it, he had to practice again.

Did Cyril mind? Not really, though taking care of Sacha was definitely taking a small toll on him. Well, maybe small wasn’t the word. The toll wasn’t insignificant, but it wasn’t big enough that Cyril would want to get rid of Sacha. The very thought was repulsive. Cyril loved Sacha like a little brother. It was his job to take care of Sacha.

Eventually, Cyril decided to get up and get something to drink in the kitchen. He wasn’t worried about waking Sacha up. Sacha slept like a log. 

However, as Cyril brought a glass down from the top shelf of a cabinet, he noticed a bottle on the counter.

“Hydromorphone, 5 mg tablets.”

Why did he still have those damn pills?

Immediately, he turned to Sacha. Had Sacha taken them? Sacha often woke up in the middle of the night to take pain medicine. Cyril had tried to convince Sacha to switch onto something long-term, but Sacha refused. He never gave a reason as to why, but Cyril suspected that he had a fear of long-term treatment after being drugged for so many years.

Sacha was sound asleep.

Almost dead asleep.

Cyril took the pills out, counted them. Sacha had taken two. He took two!

Panic overwhelmed Cyril as he ran over to Sacha and shook him.

“Sacha! Sacha! Wake up.”

At first, Sacha didn’t wake up. Dread filled Cyril’s blood like a poison. Sacha was dead. Sacha was dead.

He’d lost another one.

He couldn’t. 

Surely, he had Narcan somewhere. Maybe it wasn’t too late to give it to Sacha.

“Sacha, wake up!”

Desperation filled Cyril’s voice.

In fact, he didn’t even realize when Sacha groaned. He was too busy looking through the cabinets for Narcan. He needed Narcan. He needed to save Sacha. He couldn’t lose another person. Not another friend.

“Cyril, what’s wrong?”

Cyril’s breath caught in his throat. Sacha was standing, breathing.

“You-”

Cyril stopped himself from asking Sacha if he was dead.

The panic suddenly came crashing down and Cyril felt tears in his eyes. Sacha wasn’t dead.

“You took two hydromorphone pills.”

“Two… what?”

Sacha squinted at Cyril. He sounded pretty tired, groggy, but he was still there. A lot more calm than usual, but not anywhere near being dead.

“Opioids. I thought you overdosed.”

Sacha shook his head. “I’ve overdosed before. I’m… definitely… tired, but not overdosing.”

Hearing that Sacha had overdosed before certainly didn’t calm Cyril down. However, he knew that he risked freaking Sacha out with his panic, so he quickly went to his room and slammed the door shut.

Cyril heard Sacha roll back over to bed. He’d ask in the morning what Sacha meant by that.

Still, he grabbed his shirt, placing his hand over his racing heart. Sobs broke through his chest. He kept himself quiet. He couldn’t stand to have Sacha hear him cry.

However, Cyril couldn’t hold it back anymore. He cried tears, remembering the dead body of Oliver laying on the bed. The cold of his dead skin. The hollowness of his dead eyes. Sure, the soul was impossible to prove from a medical standpoint, but from a physical one, a presence always left the room or was simply not there.

Oh, how Cyril longed to be in his garden, far away from the worries and fears that plagued him.

But it was winter. It was cold outside. There was no garden to tend to. Only the fears that he had to face head-on.

===

Tag list: @whumpsday, @i-can-even-burn-salad, @pigeonwhumps, @darkthingshappen, @pumpkin-spice-whump, @darlingwhump, @maracujatangerine, @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi, @flowersarefreetherapy, @octopus-reactivated, @quietshae, @whump-blog, @inkkswhumpandstuff, @whumpycries, @whumpkinz

#shadow by my fireplace #whump #whumpblr #whump fic #whump writing #whump community #recovery whump #cyril #sacha #hospital setting #hospital whump #doctor whump #cw are above #drug/substance use/abuse #opioids #panic attack #chronic illness

[souvenir116]

please tell me we're getting charles' pov after max leaves him in that room in chapter 17

oh dear anon... I'm working on the chapter 17 right now, and I don't think I'll add it to the fic but I can give you a little summary if you'd like, that how I think it would happen

Tw for drug abuse, suicidal thoughts and literally attempted suicide; overdose (please, please, please, take care ❤️)

Basically, Charles would be shocked when Max had said "I wish I had died rather loving you." Wouldn't be able to even move or process the words properly, so he would just try to stand on his feet after Max had locked him, leaving him in the room alone, trying to make sense of what had happened while tears would fall down from his face slowly, without his notice.

It's such a devastating way of phrasing 'to regret falling in love with someone', to wish to die instead, the way Max implied, 'it's hard to love you because you're a burden, and I regret is so much that I would give up on my life',

And it of course can trigger Charles in such a state between being heartbroken by his lover, being defined by the same person as a 'traitor, liar', that nothing was 'real' between them according to Max, and the usage of word 'death'-

Charles would repeat the words and focus on the 'I'd rather die' everytime again and again while sitting on his bed slowly, his cry intensifying, turning into sobbing, he wouldn't be able to think straight of anything other than Max.

Not Oscar literally coming to rescue him because he values him, not his family, not what would happen if he'd die in reality, the consequences from Lewis' side. (you'll see what I'm implying here in the next chapter)

His hand would find a way inside his hoodie, to the necklace Max gave him, caressing the blue sphere of it, maybe his eyes would get stuck on the photo of them on the beach together, which he took from Max's bag earlier, remember?

Standing on his nightstand, so he would get up and take it from there, see their happiness on the photo, that how he ruined everything, "what could've been's" even if it was not actually his fault that events turned out to happen like that, but he would feel a huge remorse inside his heart, wanting to fix the 'mess' he created, and as someone said in the comments on Ao3, which I very liked, "Because if he would see Max suffer, he'd rather end his own life than seeing Max in pain."

It wouldn't be hard for him to find the drugs, since he was supposed to meet Daniel formerly about them, and in the heat of the moment of Daniel following them, Max ordering for his men to prepare a room for Charles and only wait for him until he comes back- but his men needing to give sleeping pills to make Charles calmer from his tantrum, etc, etc- Charles' body could've not been searched since he still had both the photo and necklace, so in the peak of his emotions, he wouldn't think straight, but would like to stop the pain.

He wouldn't think for a second time before swallowing the pills (or whatever drug form he would use since I preferred to not specify) but it wouldn't be his first time (which, you'll also see in the next chapter :) )

He wouldn't be able to stop his cry even if he tried to, while giving up on his life nonetheless.

But he would know the consequences and effects, his heartbeat decreasing, his body spasming, sobs and tears coming to an end slowly as the minutes passes, that when his legs would give up on carrying his weight so he would lay down on the bed, on his side, with one hand wrapped around his necklace, tears leaving his green, hurt eyes and sliding down his temple before meeting the sheets, when he would caress their photo with Max beneath his fingertips softly, wishing everything was different, hoping to meet in another life, hoping for Max to be happy after him, to have a happy life just like how Max implied before,

Maybe pressing a kiss to the photo softly before his heartbeat would eventually come close to stopping, body movements slowing and his mind shutting down, that Max and his happiness on their photo would be the only and the last thing he would see and dream of, when he would give up on his fight, his life eventually.

#asks #f1 fic #my fic writing #mind the TW's please #Once I Pull This Trigger Off (You'll Be Begging Me To Stop)

[bteezxyewriter12]

Reaper

Pairing- Tae x Named Reader

Word count- 5.4k

Includes- Angst, mentions of suicide, amnesia, mentions of seizure, sex, oral, face fucking, face riding, riding sex, pussy eating, love making, missionary sex

Masterlists- check out for more fics

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📝BTS Masterlist 📝Tae Masterlist

🌟gifs are from google

Tae POV

I'm sitting in my office, looking over the list of people who are scheduled to die today

This of course doesn't include accidents where the person isn't scheduled to die yet

There's a lot dying today

I'm going to be so busy

I sigh, getting up and getting the scythe

This thing is stupid

I haven't had to use it for centuries

But I have to carry it so people know it's me

I gave up wearing the robe

I hated it to begin with and now I opt for suits, mostly Gucci

But when I wear suits, the dying soul think I'm just another person coming to see them

Hence the scythe

I look at myself in the mirror

I hate this job

I didn't used to

Not when I was first asked to take over for the last reaper

He was the first death reaper but he got tired of doing it

He wanted a chance to be human

He was searching for a replacement for a long time

Then he came upon me six centuries ago

I was a soldier in what is now Daegu, South Korea and I was fighting in a war for my king

I was stabbed with a sword and as I laid dying, death came to me and asked me if I would take over his job

I was young, twenty four years old and I didn't want to die

And the concept of living forever was appealing to me

So I said yes, he trained me and I became death

I loved this job so much, up until about a year ago

I push the thoughts away

I can't dwell on it, I have a job to do

I turn and leave the office

Just as I close the door, she suddenly appears in front of me.

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J POV

Where am I?

I look around and it seems like I'm in a office

How?

I was walking to work one second and now I'm here

I turn around and I have to stop a gasp

In front of me is the most beautiful man I have ever seen

And he's looking at me

He looks like he was sculpted by an artist

Tall, Curly black hair, sharp jaw, an cute beauty mark on his nose

And his eyes are such a beautiful dark brown

I feel myself falling into them

Suddenly he shouts, "I thought I told you to get lost! You can't keep dying to meet me. We are over, you hear?"

I blink confused

I don't know who he is

Why is he yelling at me?

"Uh who are you?", I ask

He stares at me in anger

"Cut the shit Joanne. I told you we can't be together. I told you I don't want you anymore!"

Ok, apparently he knows me?

And we dated I guess?

"I'm sorry but I don't know you. What's your name?"

"Joanne what the fuck kind of game are you playing? I told you last time you tried to die that we're over!"

Last time?

That means...

"Oh I see.", I say, "We must have known each other before my amnesia"

His eyes widen, "What the fuck are you talking about? Last time you said you'll keep doing whatever you had to to see me again."

I did?

I don't remember

"Oh uh well you see when I woke up in the hospital a year ago, I didn't know who I was or where I was. I didn't even know what happened. I couldn't remember anything. I was told by a woman who said she's my mom that my name is Joanne and I tried to commit suicide"

I remember the fear of waking up and not knowing anything

Not remembering people or any of my whole life

Twenty three years gone

"You tried to commit suicide?", he gasps

"Uh apparently. I don't remember. My mom said that I took a whole bunch of pills then left my apartment. I guess I was getting woozy or sleepy and I walked into a busy street. A car hit me and I was taken to the hospital. They saved me but I had a lot of damage to my head and it caused amnesia. The doctors don't know if it'll ever be fixed", I explain

His face pales as I tell him this and he looks shocked

"You don't remember anything?", he asks

I shake my head

"No. Just bits and pieces that come back to me when I look at a picture or smell something or hear a story. But I've never seen a picture of you, so I can't even recognize you from that."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know", he chokes out

"It's ok. It's not your fault. I've just been trying to get back to normal for the last year. But I don't know how I got here"

"You're here because you're dead. Or about to die"

I blink

Seriously?

How am I dead?

And why am I not more panicked?

"How? I was just walking to work and now I'm here."

"Something must of happened for you to die", he answers

I think about what could cause me to die

"Maybe I got a seizure and fell somewhere"

"Seizure?", he gasps

I nod, "I developed seizures after I woke up a year ago. I had a lot of them when I first woke up. But they found the right medication for me after a few months and I haven't had one in seven months"

"Then why would you think you had one?", he questions

"Well because the medication helps to prevent them but doesn't stop them completely. I can still get one every once in awhile"

He's silent, with a look of distress on his face

"Well uh, you're not scheduled to die today, so I'm going to send you back"

I'm not scheduled?

There's a schedule?

But I guess this is good, I get another chance of life

But there's something I want to say to him

"Ok. Thank you. But there's something I want to say first"

He nod, "Go ahead"

"Look apparently we know each other and we were together. And I just want to say I'm sorry if I hurt you or did anything bad to you"

He blinks, "What?"

"Well you seem very hostile towards me and I'm guessing that's because I did something to you. And I just want to say I'm sorry. I don't remember how I used to be but I'm not that person anymore."

He's silent

"I'm sorry if I hurt you.", I finish

"Uh ok. Thanks.", he says questioningly

Well there's nothing else I can say

"I'm going to send you back now", he tells me

"Ok. Thank you"

He nods and I see the office fade away

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Tae POV

What the hell is going on?

She has amnesia?

That's why she's stayed away from me for a year?

She doesn't remember me

I need to sit down

I almost passed out when I saw her again

I miss her so much

She's the reason I hate this job

I love her so much

And the miraculous thing is she loves me

I'm death and she fell in love with me

Even after I told her who I was, she didn't care, she just wanted me

And we had an amazing relationship for three years

But I knew it couldn't last

She's human and I'm not

She'd age but that doesn't bother me

What bothers me is that I'd have to take her when her time came and she'd be away from me forever

And she could never have a normal life with me

Never have children, never have a family.

I didn't want to take that away from her

She didn't care but I couldn't do that to her

So I ended things

And I had to do it by making her believe I didn't want her, that I didn't love her

The things I said to her hurt her so much

----------------------

"I don't want you", I snapped

"What? You're not serious Tae?", she said, panic in her voice

"I said I don't want to be with you. I don't love you"

"Tae what's going on? Why are you saying this?", she asks, tears falling down her face

It hurt so much to tell her these things

"Because I fell out of love. I'm death and I'm going to live forever. Why would I want you when I could have any girls I want?"

"But I love you Tae", she whispered

"Well that's too fucking bad"

-------------------

She tried to keep me from ending things but I had to

Seeing her cry like she did that day killed me

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life

And she just apologized for hurting me now

That was a punch to my heart

She never hurt me, I'm the one who hurt her

But she apologized anyway

When she just told me the last time she saw me was because she tried to committed suicide, I almost lost it right then

I hurt her that badly that she'd rather be dead

She was hit by a car and I stood there screaming at her to never come back, telling her that I didn't love her at all when she came here last year

And still after all that she told me she still loved me and was never going to stop trying to get me back

After a year of not hearing from her, I thought she moved on

But she didn't

She doesn't remember anything

Not her entire life

I can't imagine how scary that is, to wake up and not know anything or anyone

And for her to be here again something had to happen to her

Something bad

And I need to know what it is

----------------------------------------------------

Walking into her hospital room, I find her in the bed, unconscious

I have to hold in a scream

She has a huge bandage on the right side of her head and a bruise under her right eye

The right side of her face has scrapes all over them

It's late at night so no one is here

Visiting hours are over

I sit next to her bed and hold her hand

"I'm sorry baby", I tell her, the tears finally coming

This is all my fault

Everything that happened to her from the second I ended things is all my fault

"I love you so much", I cry

"Excuse me. You can't be here"

I look up and a nurse is standing in the doorway

"What....what happened to her?", I get out

"Sir-"

"Just tell me. Tell me and I'll leave. I couldn't come before and I had to see her. Please", I plead

Her face softens, "Let me get her chart"

She walks to the door and takes a folder out

"She had a seizure and fell, hitting her head on the curb as she was crossing the street. It caused a subdural hematoma and needed to be drained. Unfortunately the blow was substantial and she's in a coma"

A coma?

No she can't be

She has to wake up

"Is she going to wake up?", I ask panicking

"Unfortunately, we don't know. It's up to her whether she wakes up or not. There's nothing we can do for that"

I nod, crying more hysterically

"I'll give you a few more minutes", she says, "But then I'll have to ask you to leave"

I nod again, "Ok"

The nurse leaves me with her

I can't believe this is happening

She can't stay in a coma

She has to wake up

I need her

I can't stay away from her anymore

This past year was torture

I was so stupid thinking I could stay away from her

She's my everything, my one

I never found the girl I was supposed to be with when I was alive

But I found her as death

She accepted me as I am and I was stupid to let her go

I won't be stupid again

I stand up and kiss her lips softly

"I'm going to fix it baby. I promise"

I walk to her door

Time to talk to God

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J POV

I hear noises as I come to

Machines and voices

There's a pounding in my head that's very intense

Where am I?

I open my eyes, slowly, the light in the room making my eyes tear

I groan from the pain

"Jo? Oh my god Joanne!", I hear

I turn my head slowly to the voice, blinking the tears away so I can see whose talking to me

A face comes into focus

"Mom?", I ask

"Yes Jo. Oh my god, you're awake!", she says through tears

"James go get a doctor"

I hear footsteps leaving the room

Now that my eyes are fully open, I look to see my sisters and mom looking at me

They're all crying

I guess my brother went to get the doctor

But I don't see Tae

Why isn't he here

"Mom, where's Tae?"

She gets a look on her face that I can't read

Why?

Where's Tae?

Is he hurt?

He can't be, he's death

"Jo. Um Tae isn't here"

I don't understand

Why?

"Why not?"

"Jo what do you remember?"

I think back and I remember being with Tae

We were arguing

Then the emotions slam into me

He...he left me

Pain hits my chest fast and hard

Not physical pain

Emotional pain

It's taking over and I feel like I'm dying

He told me he doesn't love me

He told me he hates me

He never wants to see me again

"Mmmm...mom", I choke out, starting to cry

I remember everything

The suicide attempt, talking to Tae when I died from that, the amnesia when I woke up, the seizures

And talking to Tae again

When I didn't remember who he was

How he yelled at me as soon as I got to him, telling me not to come back again

He still doesn't love me

It's ripping my heart out

"Jo"

"I remember mom. I remember everything", I cry

"Oh Jo. I'm sorry", she says hugging me to her

I can't breathe

It hurts so much

"It hurts", I wail

"I know Jo. I'm sorry. You never had a chance to deal with it when you had amnesia. I'm sorry."

I don't want to feel this

I can't

I wish I was dead

Tae should of never sent me back here

----------------------------------------------------

The door to my bedroom opens

"Jo, are you hungry?"

"No mom", I answer, laying in bed

"Joanne you have to eat. And you have to leave your bed. You've been locked in this room for two weeks"

I can't deal with this now

"Mom, just go away"

"Jo"

"Go away. I'm not hungry, I don't want to go outside. Just leave me alone!", I shout

She sighs but I hear the door close

I hate my life

Why couldn't Tae just let me die?

The pain of not having him is killing me

I went from one bed in the hospital to another in my room

I refused to go to my mom's house so she or my siblings have been spending nights here, watching me

I just have no motivation to do anything

I don't have to go to work

They gave me time off to recover

I don't do much anymore

Just stay in bed, sleeping or watching some dumb videos on my tablet

I get up to use the bathroom, brush my teeth and shower

Showering is exhausting but I'm not going to be gross

I eat sometimes and whoever is with me gives me my seizure medication and whatever else it is the hospital prescribed

I just don't want to get up

And I don't have to

----------------------------------------------------

A little while later my bedroom door opens

I get annoyed

"I said leave me alone mom!", I yell

What doesn't she get?

"Baby?"

I know that voice

I sit up, staring at Tae

Am I dreaming?

Oh god are those pills making me hallucinate?

Or is this a side effect of the damage the fall caused to my head?

I really don't need that right now

Seizures are enough

"Jo?", he asks, coming in and closing the door

"Am I fucking hallucinating now? Great just great", I mutter to myself

"No baby you're not hallucinating. I'm here.", he says coming closer and sitting on the bed close to me

"Uh ok. Why are you here? You said you never wanted to see me again", I say, my heart breaking again

"You remember me?", he asks, sounding hopeful

"Yeah Tae. I remember everything. I wish I didn't"

"Don't say that Jo"

"Why not? It's true"

He doesn't say anything and I just want him to get to the point

"Why are you here Tae?"

"I came for you", he says

"So I'm dying today? I'm on the schedule?", I say flatly

At least I won't have to feel this pain anymore

And honestly I don't care

He looks me in my eyes

"No baby. I came to be with you", he says softly

What is this now?

More torture

"What?", I ask confused

"After I saw you and you told me what happened to you, I went to see you in the hospital. I hated that you were hurt and everything that happened to you was my fault. Because I told you I don't want you"

"Ok... It's not your fault though", I say

I know my actions are mine and not his fault

He may have been the reason why I did things, but I still chose to do them

He didn't make me

"Yes it-", he starts

"What does that have to do with you being here?", I ask cutting him off, "You don't love me why do you care what happens to me?"

He shakes his head, "I do love you Joanne. So much"

What?

He told me over and over he didn't

What game is he playing?

"What are you talking about Tae? You're not making any sense"

"Jo, I love you. More than anything. You're my everything baby. But I knew that you'd never have a normal life with me. Never have kids or a family or do anything that a normal girl can do. And one day, I'd have to take you when it's your time and after you pass over, we'll never see each other again."

I'm getting angry

I told him over and over that I don't care about kids or a family, if I can't be with him

I knew what I was getting into being with death

I'm not stupid

"I told you I don't care about a normal life! Being with you is not your decision to make for me! I know what being with you means and I don't care!", I shout

He nods, "I know. I shouldn't have made the decision for you. Everything I said to you I didn't mean. At all. I love you so much. I do want you. You're the only girl I ever wanted. I hated being without you. It was torture"

I know what he means

Being without him is tearing a hole in my chest

But nothing has changed

I'm still human and he's still death

Everything he said is all still true

Why is he changing his mind now?

"Why are you telling me this now Tae? Nothing has changed"

"Yes it did baby"

I raise an eyebrow, waiting for him to continue

"After I saw you in the hospital, I couldn't just leave you like that. So I went and talked to God"

I choke on air, "What? You talked to who?"

"God"

"Are you serious? He's real?"

Tae nods, "So is the devil"

Oh my g....shit

My world just flipped

This is insane

He's real

I look up and silently apologize for all the shit I did when I was a teenager

I thought I was such a badass back then

Instead I was just a massive idiot

Then I ask Tae, "Why did you go talk to him?"

"To bargain with him"

I'm in complete shock

"I...uh..I...I", I stutter

"I asked him to help you. To fix everything. To bring you out of the coma and stop the seizures. He asked why I would ask for that and I told him"

"You...told...him?"

He told God he loves me?

He nods, "I told him I love you. I told him about us. And apparently he's not as mean as people say he is. When I was done, he said he'd help me without me having to give him anything"

I'm impressed that he got God to help him

"So God helped you and made me better?", I ask

He nods, "But that's not all."

It's not?

What else did God do for him?

"He made me human."

"What?", I exclaim

"I'm human now. Remember how I told you I became death?", he asks

I nod

I remember how he said accepted death's offer to take over for him

"He said that if I could find someone to take my place, he'd let me be human again. And be with you"

"Be with me?"

I don't think I can be anymore shocked than I am now

Tae nods, "You are destined to live a really long life. And he said that since it's been a long time since I've been human, he can designate how long I can live for. So he did it to match your life span"

My mouth drops

I can be with Tae for my entire life?

I can't believe it

"I found someone who was in accident. Someone who was like me. Young. I offered to them what death offered to me. And she took it. I spent these last two weeks training her."

Her?

Death's a girl now?

And he had to train her?

Huh I guess it is like a normal job if training is needed

"Today I woke up in an apartment. My apartment. And my heart is beating again. I didn't want to come to you immediately. I needed to figure out what to tell you. And to be honest I was starving"

That makes me smile

I know he didn't need to eat when he was death

"When I knew what I wanted to say, I came here. You're mom was upset when she saw me but I told her I was stupid and here to get you back. She made me promise not to hurt you again and I did"

That sounds like my mom

Tae reaches to me and takes my hand, "I love you. And I'll make everything up to you. I just want you back Jo. Please take me back"

"Yes", I answer without hesitation

He looks at me and repeats hopefully, "Yes?"

I nod, "Of course Tae. I love you. You're the only one I want."

He smiles his gorgeous smile and comes closer to me

His lips touch mine in a kiss and fireworks explode in my vision.

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Tae POV

When I kiss her, my entire body flood with heat

Just like every time I kissed her

When she wraps her arm around my neck and slips her fingers in my hair, I shiver from her touch

I missed her so much

I was so scared she'd tell me to fuck off

But she still loves me

And now we have our entire lives to be together

I've never been more happy in my life.

"I love you Tae", she whispers

"I love you Jo", I answer

Then she pulls me back to her, kissing me again

I pull her close to me and I'm so relieved when she presses her body to mine

Feeling her body against me feels so fucking good

I missed her so much

Her arms go around my neck and I'm so happy to feel that

"Baby", I whisper

I want her so much

I haven't been with her in a year but I don't know if now is the right time or if it's too soon

"Yes Tae", she answers, looking at me

She runs her fingers in my hair, feeling so good and I love it

"I want you too Tae."

That's all I need to hear

I pull her onto my lap and she comes willingly

She crashes her lips to mine, her tongue in my mouth

Yes fuck

I kiss her back, pulling her shirt up

She lifts her arms up so I can take it off

Her hands move to my shirt, unbuttoning the buttons quickly

When she gets them all undone, she pushes the shirt off me, her hands immediately running all over my back

Her hands are so small and warm as she touches me

She moves off me, standing and undoing my pants

I lift myself up, pulling my pants and boxers down

When she gets everything off, I pull her up, my lips on her stomach, trailing kisses all over

I feel her hand run in my hair, making shivers run up my spine

I love anyway that she touches me

Hooking my fingers in her shorts and panties, I slowly pull them down, kissing lower

I hear her breath hitch when I get to her pussy

I lick her, moaning and loving the way she feels against my tongue

Pulling away, she steps out of her clothes

I grab her, making her squeal

Laying down, I pull her on top of me until she's over my face

Holding her hips, I pull her to my mouth, burying my tongue in her pussy

She's already so wet and I missed how she tastes

So fucking good

"Tae", she moans

Fuck me, I missed hearing her moan my name

And I really miss hearing her scream my name

Which I'm so going to make her do

"Feels good baby?"

"Yes Tae fuck. I missed your tongue"

I laugh

"I know baby. My tongue makes you scream."

I know I what she likes and where she likes it

I love her so much so I learned her body so well

What she likes, what drives her insane, what can make her cum over and over, how much teasing she can take

I was never like this with any other girl I was with

I've been death for six centuries, I've been with human women before but it was always just sex

I didn't care about the woman or tired to make her feel good

But from the first time I was with her, even before I fell in love with her, it was different with her

She wanted to please me, make me feel good and it made me want to please her

Then I fell in love and all I wanted to do was make her feel good

And I still do

I don't even care if I cum as long as she does

Multiple times

But she won't have that

She makes sure I orgasm too every time

Sometimes more than once

She's just the best in every single way and I will never be stupid to leave her again

I lick her clit and she yells loudly

"Yeah baby. Scream for me", I ask, then suck on her clit

"Fuck TAEHYUNG!", she cries, her hands gripping mine tightly

I keep going, sucking harder and faster

"C'mon baby. Gimme your cum. I want it so bad. I haven't had it in a long time.", I tell her

I attach my mouth to her again, squeezing her hips as she yells in pleasure

She's almost there

I'm so excited to taste her again

I feel her legs start to shake as she orgasms, screaming my name

"TAEHYUNG!"

Her taste floods my mouth and I moan, swallowing greedily

She's so fucking good, I love it

When she finishes, I keep licking her

"Tae"

"More baby. I need more", I beg, "Do you want it?"

"Yes Tae. Yes"

Fuck yes

My tongue flies all over her pussy, swirling, up and down

I can't fucking get enough

"Fuck my face baby. Fuck my mouth. Please", I ask

Her hips start moving against my mouth, grinding against my tongue

I fucking love this

She gets so into it and my tongue can get everywhere

I slide my tongue inside her, then lick back out, then back in

"TAE fuck yes baby. Don't stop."

I know she loves this

It can make her cum in seconds

And honestly I love being inside her in anyway

My cock, my fingers, my tongue

I just love being inside

Squeezing her ass hard, I moan, "Baby cum on my tongue"

I slide my tongue in her as far as I can

"TAEHYUNG!", she screams, orgasming again

Her pussy tightens and throbs on my tongue that's in her and I taste her cum

It coats my tongue and she tastes so fucking good

"Yes baby, yes give me more", I whine, still tongue fucking her

"Tae, oh fuck Tae"

Her breathing gets harder

She's close again

I love giving her orgasm after orgasm

She gets so much pleasure, I love watching her

"FUCK!"

Her cum floods my mouth again and I greedily drink it all up

When she finishes, I lift her up and slam her on my cock

"Fuck TAE!", she cries

"Fuck baby. I missed you around my cock", I gasp

"I missed you too", she moans, starting to move up

"No baby. Stay on my cock. I want to feel you for a little longer

"Oooo...oooo....ok", she stammers

She's so horny, pulsating hard and fast around me, getting more wet

I love the feeling of her soaking my cock

I need to fuck her

Putting my hands on her hips, I move her up then slam her down, thrusting up as well

I go in so deep, making her scream in pleasure

"There TAE!"

"Ok baby girl. You don't have to do anything ok? Just let me make you feel good"

She bites her lip nodding

Gripping her hips I move her fast, bouncing her on my cock and slamming her spot at the same time

"Yes Tae, fuck. Oh god", she cries, her hands gripping my arms so hard

"Good baby?"

"So good Tae"

I smile at her, happy I'm making her feel good

"Fuck baby you look so pretty on my cock. You're pretty pussy taking me so well"

"Mmmm", she whimpers

Seeing her leaving my length soaked in her juice is so hot

"Gimme your pretty cum baby. Soak my cock", I plead

"Tae", she moans, her body arching as she cums again

"Ffff...fuck", I stammer, feeling the insane pleasure she's giving me

When she finishes, I rolls us over, getting on top of her

Her legs wrap around me and I continue to move, slowing it down

"I love you so much", I tell her, running my fingers in her hair, looking in her beautiful brown eyes

"I love you more than anything", she whispers back, "My Tae"

I nod, "Always baby. I'm always yours, I swear. I'm not leaving you again"

"Don't Tae. Please don't. I need you"

I nod

I know

She does need me just like I need her

And I was so dumb to keep us apart.

But that will never happen again

"I need you too baby. Always"

She lifts her head to kiss me and I meet her lips, pressing mine against hers

Her hips move, meeting my thrusts, making me go so much deeper

"Mmmmm", she groans against my lips

She feels so good, spasming around my cock so much

I know as soon as she cums, I am

I won't be able to hold it back

I kiss her desperately, tongue against hers as we move together

She clings to me, holding onto my back hard, my hand squeezing her thigh tightly

Hitting her spot, she explodes, spasming around my cock, shaking under me as she moans and keeps kissing me

Her orgasm triggers mine and I moan in her mouth as I spill inside her, pleasure running all over me

Oh my fucking God, it's so good

So incredible

After, I lay down next to her, holding her tightly in my arms

"I missed you Tae. So fucking much", she whispers, looking at me

"I miss you too baby. You don't even know. The thought of living without you forever....it was torture"

She shakes her head, "You don't need to anymore Tae. I'm here, you can stay with me forever"

I nod

I will

Nothing will take me away from her

"We're going to have a long happy life together baby.", I promise her

She smiles, "I can't wait Tae"

Neither can I

#ksmutclub #taehyung smut #taehyung fic #taehyung fanfiction #taehyung fanfic #kim taehyung smut #kim taehyung fic #kim taehyung fanfic #bts taehyung smut #bts taehyung fanfic #bts fic #btsfanfiction #bts fanfic #bts smut #writing prompts #writing prompt #prompt series

[autumn-foxfire]

Prompt 45) "Where are you from exactly?" from (x)

"Where are you from exactly?"

Izaya was a curious man, a very curious man who was very curious about humanity. That was why he was always fascinated when he met up with these types of people, those who post online about their fantasies of ending their life and yet kept secrets from those who they share their desires with like they actually cared about the life they had wish away just moments prior.

He knew he current subject of interest was not from Ikebukuro, nor was he from any of the surrounding towns and cities. It had immediately caught his interest that all of his attempts to look up the man had resulted in nothing but a wild goose chase, he was like a ghost, someone who had just blinked into existence that very day and yet here he was messaging Izaya about how much he wished for the embrace of death.

The man gave Izaya an impish smile, "I'm originally from Yokohoma," he answered simply, "However I've been travelling around Japan these past couple of months."

Izaya hummed as his mind buzzed with ideas and possibilities of the man and his life that had ultimately lead him to be standing next to Izaya beside a bridge he was intending to jump off.

There was something very different about this man than the others Izaya had met in this very scenario. Many of the humans he had met with before had been anxious about the meet up, skittish about taking their own lives even though they had gone into a great amount of detail with Izaya about their suicidal thoughts just hours prior over text.

This man however carried with him a sense of calmness that he had yet to encounter with any of the others. He looked over the side of the bridge almost wistfully, as if he was about to meet an old friend and not the hard concrete lying below.

It fasinated Izaya to no end.

The man was a mystery and Izaya was eager to pull back his layers until he found what made the man tick.

"This isn't your first attempt," Izaya guessed, eyeing the bandages wrapped around the man's neck and wrists.

"Not at all," the man sighed almost dramatically, like he was discussing the weather and not suicide, "My endeavor for a quick and painless death that inconveniences no one has so far been in vain however when I saw your tempting offer of a double suicide, I couldn't resist."

He turned to Izaya and looked him up and down, "I'll admit, I've always dreamed to die in the arms of a woman however beggers can't be choosers and every woman I've asked so far has rejected my offer."

Izaya couldn't stop the scoff that left his lips as a disappointment flood him, "It's always the same with you people," he complained as he collapsed against the railing of the bridge, "You want a 'quick and painless' death, an impossible feat regardless of how much you think otherwise," he drawled, "Even if you pop a bunch of pills and drift off in your sleep, someone is bound to find your body eventually, jump off this bridge and you'll be another stain on the pavement, an inconvenience to the people who have to clean up your worthless corpse when they inevitably find you."

Izaya has said a variation of this speech countless of times and is usually met with anger from the recipient yet just as Izaya let the disappointment roll over him, the man did the unexpected.

He laughed.

It wasn't the manic laugh of a man losing his mind. No, it was a laugh that spoke of it's agreement with Izaya's words. He perked up and looked over at the man.

"I'm well aware, Orihara-san," the man eventually replied and Izaya stiffened and went on guard.

He narrowed his eyes, "You know who I am," he said. He never used his real name during these internet conversations but he was also aware his reputation often proceeded him. This was an unexpected outcome but not an unwelcome one. It just fueled Izaya's curiosity once more.

"Of course," the man replied with a simple smile, "Izaya Orihara, 21 years old, an accomplished information broker known for his many dealings from upper class business men or Yakuza-" he paused and scrunched up his nose "-though from my experience those two tend to be the same people."

Izaya couldn't stop the shark-like grin that spread across his lips, "My my, it seems like you might be interested in taking my job," he joked, "You're becoming more and more interesting the longer I speak with you, Osamu Dazai."

The man, Dazai, returned the grin with one of his own, "I feel the same way."

#durarara!! #bungo stray dogs #bsd #izaya orihara #bsd osamu dazai #autumns writing #tw suicide mention #i mean it's izaya and dazai both characters heavily associated with suicide #wrote this because I was feeling low and thought I could vent these feelings and experiences through these two assholes #I also just want them to meet because I think it would be so entertaining #excuse the roughness of this i'm tired #imma go bed now

[n0b0dy11]

Ghost ~DreamWasTaken

╔═════ ∘◦ ☆ ◦∘ ══════╗ !TW!   abuse drinking suicide Mention of Rape !TW! ╚═════ ∘◦ ☆ ◦∘ ══════╝

Y/n Pov:

I was here once again, staring at my wall as if a monster was ready crawl out of it. Maybe it would and it would eat me.

I like that idea, maybe I even found it comforting instead of scary, weird, freaky or whatever others would say.

My mother was out drinking again, my father had left when I was 11 years old. Mother blames me for his absence. Is it my fault? I ask myself that a lot, maybe it is, and maybe it isn't I will never know, because he isn't here to answer the questions now is he?

I had a few friends, not even sure if I could call them friends. They sat next to me in the cafeteria but then again there isn't anywhere else they can sit, maybe it's just a pity act? Wouldn't be the first,I mean I haven't ever even been invited to any of the hang outs.

And now I have nothing. School is over, for at least a period of time every day I would be somewhere 'usefull' but then again that was also bullshit. I have worked my ass of in that school yet all they left me with is another mental illness.

And I was so sick of it.

I was always there! I gave my notes to classmates, I stood up for people who got bullied and take their beatings instead, I made class funny, I did everything. But nobody noticed. i was a nobody, a ghost, a wallflower.

I heard them all when they whispered about me in the halls and when they gave me looks I would see it, I'm a 'ghost' after all, I hear and see everything even when it wasn't meant for me. It was just my luck seeing everybody around me happy, laughing and playing with each other. Yet just one person, that's all I asked One Fucking Person to be there beside me. Of course that was too much to ask.

"What are you doing here?" my mother's slurred words caught me out of my thoughts. She looked horrible, her mascara was smudged, her hair full of knots, her eyes red, her lipstick smeared, she just looked like a mess.

"this is my home too you know."

I really don't need this right now.

"DON'T SAS ME!"

I just rolled my eyes, fixing them on my phone instead of looking at the poor excuse of a mother. I opened the first thing that popped up, 'instagram'. But when I opened it, I closed it just as fast. I was met with all the photos of prom night, a party as a farwell, the girls showing their dresses before posting their reaction of walking inside, the boys with their typical mirror photo's. i didn't know. i wasn't even invited.

I was just a ghost, alone, here.

"Oh! So you're going to in-gnore me too?! Why don't you just move out?! You don't help me with anything! You just sit around and mope all day!!"

"You don't know?! YOU DON'T FUCKING SEE?! I HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO LOOK FOR A JOB BECAUSE MY, SUPPOSED TO BE, MOTHER COULDN'T HANDEL HERSELF!!"

As soon as the words left my mouth it closed again. I saw her eyes widen and her arms reached up. Yup, here comes the slap.

A loud smack was heard in the apartment but would sounded louder and heard more was her whispering, "I wish you were dead."

as do I

So that's were I found myself next. Standing on the bridge, high on pills, blurry eyes from my tears, hair messy, and voice hoarse.

But I couldn't leave life like this. So I did a few things first.

1. I messaged Brian and told him that Rose loved him too. 2. I posted my first picture on Instagram. 3. I texted my mom a last message telling her I forgive her but can't forget. 4. I texted Lilly that it was Jack who poured the milk in her bag. 5. I screamed, "you are enough" at the forest behind me. 6. I liked Clay's photo and messaged him that he shouldn't be insecure about his face and I believe in his streaming career. 7. I sent a lot more messages to the people who loved each other. 8. I exposed my rapist, and Brittany. 9. I took a breath. 10. I was ready to jump.

Clay's Pov:

As soon as I entered the prom ball I knew something was wrong. I mean, it was a good prom, and the drinks weren't spiked.

i think so at least.

But something was missing, as I started looking around I realized what. Y/n wasn't here. I know it was stupid of me to think about her now. I hadn't made an effort to talk to her in all these years we spent together and now I pick the excuse of missing her.

As i wanted to ask Brian, a team mate of mine if he had seen her Brittany walked up to me. She put her hands on my chest and smiled so sickly sweat it almost felt illegal to watch.

"Hey, Clay. Dance?" her words were a bit slurred so I guessed she had already found the drinking stands.

"No thank you," I (tried) to say politely, "Have you seen Y/n?"

"What do you see in the pathetic excuse of an human being?" she spat.

"She's more human than you'll ever be. Have you seen her?"

"No, I see you sitting next to her everywhere! Just look at me, it's obvious she isn't sane!"

"Don't say that!"

Just as I was about to walk away my phone buzzed. I thought it was from George or Sap but when I looked it was an Instagram dm on my private account from Y/n,

"I know, we weren't friends or anything but I hope you know I believe in your streaming career. I hope you'll find your way in it and make this world a better place by inspiring more people than you already have. I hoped we could've been friends and this wouldn't come as such a surprise to you. have fun at prom, Goodbye."

Then it buzzed again. This time she posted something on her story. "I hope you die Y/n." It was a video of Brittany, "Do my homework! Get out of the way." It were different videos with different scenarios. In the first she was talking to Y/n herself, the next to a blond i think called Rose, Brian likes her. It kept on going exposing a lot of Brittany and other people.

But the last was shocking. Everybody had pulled out their phones to watch what she posted next and laughing was heard above the music. And then it played a video of Y/n,

"I hope you see this Jack." a lot of photo's flashed from her looking in the mirror and the bruises on her legs and arms, then a few photo's of Jack trying to kiss some girls who were obviously trying to push him of. "i'm a survivor, and I hope a lot of the other girls he raped will be believed now."

A group surrounded Jack in the middle of the hall, "I am one of them." A girl spoke up, she stepped forward and poured her drink over him, and before we knew it a lot of girls stepped forward. "You have a small one anyway," the last one said.

Jack had been pushed out of the room and everyone cheered, a lot of the girls started chanting Y/n's name and me, being, me I joined in a little later so did the rest of the football team untill everybody was cheering for the one girl who wasn't here tonight.

Where even was she?

I started to wonder where she was before I saw another ping on my phone. looking down at it I saw it was from George and Sap, I smiled at it and opened it but when I saw the words my head was turning.

They texted me a screenshot of a message they got from Y/n, it said something a long the line of, "I know, you're friends with Clay. I hope you'll keep him into what he is doing, make sure to tell him I still believe in him. I know he was the only one who actually cared a little bit so I couldn't send directly at him. Please make him as happy as he did for at least a few seconds of my day.

I know this may seem like a scam and I am sorry if you don't believe me, have a great day further and make sure Clay doesn't feel guilty."

Feel guilty? For what?

┍━━━━━━━♔━━━━━━━┑ the dream team ┕━━━━━━━ ☝︎ ━━━━━━━┙

Pretty privilege Who is she?

Sappy Nappy Yeah? She send almost the same to me? But I don't get a good vibe from this.

Pretty privilege OH NO! He used a punctuation mark But same tho do you know her?

Big D Yes she goed to my school! Y/n the girl I used to talk about? That's her! but she isn't here right now

Sappy Nappy Dude go search her! you've been in love with her since for ever Go on prince charming!!

Pretty privilege Yeah, what do you got to lose?

Big D I had a crush on her a long time ago that's over!! Okay, maybe not completely Where would i even find her

Pretty privilege IDK but yo gotta do it fast cmon this is your like last chance?!

Sappy Nappy VOUCH ^^ Have to agree with th eold man Dream

Big D OKay but how do I find her?

Y/n Pov: As I was looking down, I started questioning this. Maybe it wasn't time for me? Maybe, just maybe, my person would still come? Would they?

Why was i even considering this, I was ready to jump a few minutes ago.

I was ready now. I made a list in my head of people that might have cared end in the end it wasn't that long of a list. It was no list.

But then I heard my phone go off.

Clay: Hey! Thank you for the message i really appreciate the dm! i wanted to get a goodbye from you too? I see you aren't here and i really do consider you my friend So can i find you somexhere?

I hesitated he didn't really care, he was probably dared to do this. But he wouldn't tell people about my message to him. Maybe he would I don't really know him at all.

Me: (Location shared)

Clay: Why are you on the bridge? Y/n? I am coming right now! Please be there

It was a joke. He didn't care. I'll give him 15 minutes. He won't show up.

But I waited. Like I promised. But when I opened my phone to see if he had sent something new, I saw a message from another person.

'Mother': I don't need you to forgive me, i'll be glad if u just jumped

If that's what you want, maybe it's even for the best.

Brittany Golding: Hey girl!!! I wanted to say that from yo posting that stuff didn't change anything. I still hope you disappear.

I will no worries

I checked for him on last time "20 minutes ago", that's it. It was a joke.

I closed my eyes, and stood up. I gave the world one last smile, "look what you did. It's your fault!" tears streamed from my eyes.

"HE LEFT BECAUSE OF YOU!" "LOSER" "Just DIE" "Omg, she's pathetic." "I bet she does selfharm." "I would like it if i didn't need to see her face all the time."

Everything played before my eyes. I saw me getting bullied, I saw my mother drinking, my father leaving, her slapping me, the kids laughing at me, the notes telling me to kill myself. I was ready, but then I heard his voice.

"Don't leave, please."

I chocked back more tears as I tried to ask, "w-why?"

"I care."

"You don't."

"I do."

"You aren't even here. I am imagining you."

"I am here."

Then he took my hand. My eyes snapped open when I felt his hand really slip in mine and pull me of the railing. I fell with my head in his chest and my eyes screwed shut. Tears screamed from my eyes and I started punching his chest.

"I was going to be free!! Why did you stop me?! Why did you fucking stop me!!" I was a sobbing mess now. My hands stopped punching his chest and I slid to the ground. "Why didn't you leave me like everybody else."

He just cupped my face and stared in my eyes. "Because you are enough. Alright, whoever told you otherwise is telling a load of bullshit." his eyes are so green, "I wanted to be your friend ever since I saw you, I, I just thought you were too cool for me and I- don't leave. Please don't leave."

His beautiful eyes were now also shedding tears. How was he still pretty crying?

"You care?" my voice was hoarse and it hurt but it was just loud enough for him to hear.

"I do, I care so fucking much."

"I really fucking do."

"I-I don't know what to say."

He focused his eyes back on me and placed his hands on my neck forcing me closer to him and I was about to question it before he closed his eyes and pressed his lips on mine. I was shocked but kissed back. Moving my hands in his hair, while his hands travelled down and circled my waist.

"Just promise me to not leave. Please. Just don't leave me..." he whispered quietly when he pulled back.

"I promise," I whispered back equally as quiet against his lips.

"Prom isn't over till three hours, want to be my date?"

"M-my dress is at home, and i- I don't really like it."

"Why don't you like it?"

I looked in his eyes, I couldn't tell him. It made ma look fat, it was the truth Brittany said it, mom did, josh did.

"It makes me look fat."

"I don't think anything can make you look fat."

Clay had done a lot of convincing, but in the end I went with him, we danced all night, and I had fun. I felt happy.

And all thanks to Clay.

It has been eight years, me and Clay had started dating after prom and three years later he asked me to marry him. I said yes of course.

I invited my mom to the wedding. She didn't come.

"I am so sorry, my love." Clay whispered in my ear, he had my hands in his while his teary eyes looked at mine equally as wet.

"I don't care, she chose to not come. Her loss."

He smiled at me, it was the best day of my life.

Then after two years of being married we had our first kid. Jason. Both George and Sapnap being the godfathers.

"Darling, I have a surprise for you."

I was very nervous, confidence is key, Y/n.

"If it is a new set of your lingerie I won't hesitate-"

"NO! It actually has to do with that."

"Your lingerie?"

"What you do it and me when I wear it."

No he looked scared. He sad down on the bed and placed his hands on my waist, "Did I do something wrong? If it hurts or-"

"It's perfect," I whispered, I couldn't stop my smile and tears. A stream broke on my face and a grin replaced itself under it.

"Then what's wrong?" he chuckled nervously.

"Nothing's wrong." I watched as his face turned confused.

"You're going to be a dad." I whispered.

I had never seen Clay as happy as he did then. Maybe when he found out it was a boy or when we had our second child. Jenna (Clay's sister) and Karl being her godmother and -father. Millie.

And I lived by my promise, I never tried to take my life again, I never harmed myself in any way again and I just lived my best life. I was happy all thanks to him. I finally was seen, I wasn't a ghost anymore.

Clay "dream" Fisher. My person.

A/n I hope none of you ever feel like this. Of you do i am so sorry, I hope you will find help or 'your person, if not don't worry about it for now you are here for a reason and I care a lot! Have a nice day and try to eat and/or drink, have some good rest, don't feel about taking some time for yourself. Lots of love, NLP

#dream #dream x reader #dreamwastaken #ghost #georgenotfound #sapnap #gnf #dwt #dsmp #mcyt #oneshot #imagine #xreader

[seiyasabi]

Enceinte

(This is a Yandere Amajiki x Pregnant Female Reader story :)) Please proceed with caution!

TW: Stockholm syndrome!, mentions of abuse! (not you), mentions of dub/noncon! (not you), !mentions of unsafe abortion! (not you), pregnancy!, !!!mentions of a suicide attempt!!!! (not you), captivity!, !lactation kink!, !breast milk drinking!, no sex but NSFW themes!, etc..

I hope you guys like this!) 

Tamaki’s large hand rubs your back soothingly, attempting to alleviate your current backache. He’s taken you on a ‘playdate’ with his friend’s darling, and the four of you are sitting in the jovial blond’s living room. 

“Everytime we see her, she just keeps getting bigger and bigger!” Mirio cheers, “How far along is she now?” He talks about you as if you aren’t there, causing you and your previously unwanted husband to become uncomfortable. The blond is definitely not a Yandere anyone would want; he’s controlling, sadistic, misogynistic, entitled-all things you’re happy that your Amajiki isn’t. It’s just another reason why you gave into him a year ago. 

“Mirio, pl-please don’t talk about (Your Name) like she isn’t here. You know it makes me uncomfortable,” The brawny man’s eyes flash with a dark emotion, causing you to lean in closer to the indigo haired man’s side. His friend scares you, and you can’t help but pray for his darling. The poor girl is always covered with bruises, littered with painful gashes, and just the thought of your friend being hurt by that monster brings a tear to your (colour) eyes. 

“Ah, it seems I forgot. Sorry Ama,” Your husband freezes up with further discomfort at his best friend’s use of your nickname. His blue eyes land on your rigid form, a small smirk on his thin lips, “How far along are you, (Nickname)?”

Your left hand is on your round stomach, your son kicking lightly at your touch, “We’re about seven months! I’m set to give birth in a few months,” A small smile is on your lips at the thought of your future child. Amajiki’s free hand places itself on top of yours, causing you to look up and give him a full on grin. Seeing that he was smiling at you as well, you place your head on his shoulder. He always knows how to make you feel better. 

“See, (Friend’s Name)? This could be us if you weren’t so stubborn,” Your husband interlaces your fingers together, squeezing reassuringly. He knows that his friend’s actions are somewhat triggering, especially because you know the things he’s done. Mirio lets out a wicked laugh, looking at the both of you with cruel eyes, “(Friend Name) here and I were pregnant a few months ago, after a long night of love-making,” Amajiki holds you even tighter, trying to stop your terror-filled shakes, “But someone was selfish. Someone decided to take a handful of pills, and now your mini Tamaki won’t have a friend. But don’t worry,” His large hands grip your friend’s thigh harshly, “We’ll try again. That’s the point of women, eh, Amajiki? Our own personal baby-makers?” 

Your teary eyes find (Friend’s Name)’s, your hand covering your mouth. You hadn’t seen her for a month, and you now know why. You also now know why her hands are covered with mittens, why her throat is wrapped with a shock collar, why she-

Tamaki stands up quickly, his hands gently guiding you onto your swollen feet. He wraps a protective arm around your waist once you’re fully standing, and he starts to guide you to Mirio’s yellow front door, “Ah, I-I think it-it’s time we go home. (Your Name) i-is sleepy, so-”

“Don’t worry about it, buddy! I totally understand. After all, good Darlings get nice privileges, and (Your Name) is one of the best Darlings I’ve ever met. She knows her place,” He stands to his feet, standing a good five inches above your very tall husband, “Come on, (Friend’s Name), let’s walk them out.”

The (Hair colour) girl struggles to her feet, her broken foot in a boot. She hobbles to the door in her house-wife esque frock, drawing a laugh from the sunny man. The sight hurts your heart so bad, that you have to look away. 

Once the other couple reach their front door, Mirio draws a large keyring filled to the brim with different coloured keys from his pocket, before inserting each one into the ten locks present on the painted wood. Once all are unclasped, he holds the door open with a boot clad foot. 

“You two have a good day! I’m sorry for (Friend’s Name)’s behaviour, I’ll be sure to straighten her out once you leave,” You hear her barely muffle a sob, making your lip quiver with your own sobs. Once outside, you hear the door slam shut, and hear a series of locking mechanisms go into place. 

“He’s gotten worse,” You hear Amajiki mutter, which is enough to send you into a breakdown. His muscular arms wrap you in a tight side hug, his own tears dripping onto your (hair/head). 

You cry for your friend and the person she once was. 

He cries at the monster his best friend has become. 

-

Tamaki was right, you ended up taking a nap the moment you got home. 

When you awoke, your back hurts even more than before, along with your milk filled tits. Massaging your sore chest, you sit up with a bit of trouble. At your last appointment, your doctor said your son was a big fella, and cautioned you against doing anything besides resting. This caused the already doting Amajiki to take up every chore and task you have. 

Right now, you can hear and smell him cooking your favourite meal, causing you to stand onto your wobbly feet. With one hand on your tummy and one on your back, you waddle towards your personal chef of a husband.

He’s currently leaning against the grey granite counter across from the stove, and when he sees your form struggling towards him, he rushes into action. Tamaki quickly sweeps you off of your feet, and brings you to your kotatsu couch. Gently placing you onto your preferred spot, he helps you place a few pillows behind you to help give you better back support. 

“Bunny, what are you doing out of bed? You could’ve hurt yourself,” He’s improved on his nervous stutter since you’ve fallen for him, warming your heart completely. 

“I’m sorry, Ama. I woke up with a backache and wanted a massage, but then I got hungry-” He loves listening to you ramble, you’re the most precious person he’s ever known. Especially when you ‘talk’ to your son. Sometimes he’d listen in and hear you coo about the cute outfits you found for him, or how his Daddy is a super cool hero, or how you can’t wait for him to come out so you can pinch his chubby cheeks, or- “Are you even listening?” He glances up, taking in your adorable pout, causing his face to go red. 

“Of course! I’ll give you a backrub after dinner, okay? Then we can take a shower,” You nod, allowing him to hurry to the kitchen to grab your food and utensils. 

He comes back at a lightning fast pace, he uses a few tentacles to juggle the (bowls/plates) along with the (chopstick/spoons/forks), side dishes, and toppings. 

“Go ahead and eat, okay? I’m sure you and (Son Name) are starving,” Giggling at his overeagerness, you give in to his demand. 

-

“-Is this pressure good? Let me know if it’s not,” Amajiki’s massive hands knead your aching shoulders, and rub down your pained spine. His thumbs massage the area around your ribs, trying to loosen your muscles to allow you to relax. You’re currently shirtless, clad in only your bra and your comfortable joggers.

“Mhm, you always know how to make me feel better, Ama,” He practically preens at your words, smooching the bare skin of your upper back. 

The massage continues, easing the pain in your back. Now, the only thing ailing you is your sore breasts. 

“A-are you okay, Bunny? You tensed up quite a bit,” You turn your head enough for him to see your comforting smile. 

“Yes, I’m okay. It’s just, uhm, oh man, this is so embarrassing,” Both of your hands cover your face to hide your flushing cheeks, sending Tamaki into a mini panic attack. 

“What is it? Is the baby giving you trouble? Do I need to take you to the hospital?” Seeing his panic, you try to turn to face him, but require his assistance to do so. His clammy hands grip yours as he brings you toward him. 

“No, Tama, it’s nothing serious, it’s just…” You look down in shame, “My, uhm, my breasts hurt,” Your voice trails off at the end, causing your husband not to hear you. 

“Wha-what was that?” Small tears group in your eyes, as your shame overwhelms you. 

“My boobs hurt! Please don’t make fun of me by making me ask again!” Seeing your distress, he quickly brings you into his embrace. 

“No, no, it’s okay! I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you the first time, I swear! I’ll help you, Bun, there’s no need to cry. Here,” The indigo haired man unclasps your bra, allowing your tits to fall out somewhat harshly. Yelping at the ache, Tamaki tries to soothe you by holding your larger breasts up, alleviating the pain, “I’m sorry!”

“It’s okay,” You smooch his forehead, his entire face is bright red, “Please help me, I need you,” Your wet eyes and much larger breasts make your husband look away, trying not to become aroused. 

“Oh-okay,” His warm hands gently squeeze your teats, testing to see if that was enough pressure. A small moan leaves your lips, telling him that what he’s doing is helping. 

His hands knead your sensitive chest in a rhythmic fashion, slowly quelling the pain you were once suffering. 

Just when you fully relaxed, disaster struck. 

Two streams of thick milk spray from your teats, coating the front of his black shirt. You gasp, covering your mouth with both hands. 

“I’m sorry Ama! I-I didn’t mean to! It just-” Without missing a beat, the indigo haired man suddenly latches on to your nipple. His lips suck vigorously, trying to drink all of your yummy milk in one go. A loud moan leaves your lips, as you try to detach him from your leaking tit, “Wha-what are you doing?” A keen escapes your throat when he tweaks your other nipple, dripping your milk onto your joggers. His own moans vibrate against you, sending a flash of arousal to your pussy. 

Once he has his fill of your right breasts, he lets go with a small gasp, “Do-do you feel better Bun-Bun?” Now that you thought about it, yes, yes you do. So, you nod your head, mouth slightly agape. 

“Please, ‘Jiki! Please milk my other titty too!” He doesn’t say anything, before he latches on to your left nipple. Whilst he sucks, he lets his tongue flick your leaky teat, triggering a little more milk to spray out. You both moan, one of you in absolute lust, and the other in relief. The heavy, aching feeling of your breasts slowly fades away, leaving you feeling light and happy. 

Your hand runs through his soft locks, a sigh of pleasure going through your nose, “Thank you, Ama, you’re so good to me. I’m sorry if it doesn’t taste good-” He quickly releases your left nipple to kiss you on the lips. 

“Your milk is delicious, Bunny. I don’t think I can ever go back to cow’s milk ever again!” He fondles your enlarged chest, playing with your sensitive nipples, “I love you so much, (Your Name). Is it okay if I nurse with our son?”

You flush at his words, “Bu-but my milk’s for (Son’s Name), won’t he go hungry?” He shakes his head no, kissing you on the lips once more. 

“I asked your doctor for breast milk supplements, you’re going to have more milk than he’ll need! Please, Bunny! Please let me have more!” You can’t say no when he asks you so sweetly. Smiling at him, you nod. 

You know you should be upset that those ‘extra vitamins’ weren’t truly vitamins, but you can’t bring yourself to care. After all, he loves you so much that he wants to drink from you! 

So, when he reattaches himself to your right nipple, you pet him sweetly. 

#yandere amajiki #yandere tamaki #suneater x reader #tamaki amajiki x reader #yandere tamaki x reader #tamaki x reader #amajiki x reader #yandere mha #yandere bnha #tw lactation #tw: pregnancy

[melancholydreadfuldream]

no one rips it up like you

Fandom: Doctor Who

Summary: You are tired of being second best. Hell, you are not even second best. You don't know what number you are on in regard of the Doctor's priority.

 Warning: ooc, angst, plot holes as usual, attempted suicide, death, etc. You have been warned.

    You are tired of being second best. Hell, you are not even second best. You don't know what number you are on in regard of the Doctor's priority. The first place certainly belong to Amy and then River, if the rumour about River being the Doctor's wife is true. 

  You tried not to be jealous of Amy who have the most of the Doctor's attention. But it is hard. You were both his current companion and yet it feels like you are nothing to him. You were not as brave, smart or sassy, like Amy or River. Those are the sort of behaviour the Doctor encouraged in companion. He need that quality in his companion so that they can keep up with him.  

  You have no idea what the Doctor saw in you at the beginning when he invited you into his Tardis but it certainly an opportunity of lifetime and so you accepted his offer. The first time you did meet the Doctor, you did show that once-in-a-while bravery and maybe that is why the Doctor thought you deserved an invitation into his Tardis. Unfortunately, you don't always show that quality of yours during adventure. Honestly, you didn't even have to, what with Amy on the spot ready to speak out her mind, being sassy as hell, toward villains of the days, which always earned her the Doctor's proud smile. And on the occasion of adventures where you stumble with River and her awesomeness, the Doctor is quick to flirt with her.

  You didn't hate Amy or River; jealous, yes, as ugly as that emotion is, it is quite normal. But you found friendship with Amy and respect for River. Amy is kind and protective of you as you often unable to talk back when people are mean to you. River saved your life during the weeping angels fiasco and a few times after. For some reason, River seemed to have some soft spot for you. But then again, maybe she did that because you are the Doctor's companion. She showed concern for you the few times you met which is more that you can say about the Doctor.

 The thing is at first, it wasn't like that. The Doctor always gave both you and Amy the same amount of attention. Somehow along the way, that changed. If you have to point the change, it must be after you, River and the Ponds got invitation from the future Doctor at Lake Silencio. You noticed that the Doctor is always staring at Amy borderline obsessive, as if he is trying to record her every movement. He never has time for you anymore, always quick to be distracted by anything or by Amy.

  It hurts. It is so hurt. At first, you endured it but when time passes and he still ignored you, you have to wonder if he grew tired of you and if he is leaving hints that he want you to leave the Tardis. 

  No one noticed your pain. At least, you thought so, until Rory talked to you and asked if you are okay.

  "I'm always alright." You said with a forced smile. You were honestly surprised that he noticed. You always thought he only have eyes for Amy. But you should have known. Rory is soft and kind to everyone he met and that of course included you.

  "Then why do you look so sad? why do you look like you wanted to cry?" He asked in concern.

  You didn't meant to but you started to cry in front of him. 

  Rory gave you a hug as he awkwardly patted your back in comforting gesture. He gave you tissue to wipe your tears and snots as you told him your insecurity and how lonely you felt most of the times. 

  "I know it was childish of me. Why do I want him to pay attention to me anyway?" You sniffed as fresh hot tears once more filled your eyes. "I am so stupid."

  Rory look pained when he heard your confession. He comforted you, saying the right words to make you feel better about yourself and your situation.

  "I'm sorry." You said after you calmed down some. "I didn't meant to cry on you."

  "It's okay. We are friends, aren't we? If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, feel free to ask me."

  You couldn't help but smile at that. "Aren't you afraid Amy will be jealous?"

  Rory snorted, not unkindly. "I don't think Amy is capable of being jealous."

  You chuckled as you agreed with his statement. Amy is so perfect and so lucky to have a loyal husband as Rory. You only wished you have half of her charm.

  7777

  You didn't know what you were thinking anyway when you saw right before your eyes of the two Doctors' presence in the St.John's Base. No, wait, of course, you do, you wish one of them can maybe pay attention to you now, that is how pathetic you are. Heck, you would settle for the ganger Doctor if only he will turn his eyes on you. But, of course, his eyes glued only on Amy, despite her treatment of his ganger status.

  You don't know what your stand is about the gangers but you know the Doctor will want peace between humans and gangers and so, naturally, you will stand by his firm belief. The Doctor is kind and strive to do the right thing and you can only wish and try to do the same thing as he did. You watched as Amy giggled as the Doctor talked to her and spun the chair she was in around. How come he never spend any time with you anymore? Was there something wrong with you? 

  You sighed as you tried to compose yourself as you instead try to approach the ganger Doctor but he barely able to keep his eyes off Amy, only give you a half-smile, before leaving you behind to go to Amy. Amy, always Amy! You hated yourself for resenting Amy, she is your friend. This feeling of yours is disgusting. No wonder the Doctor didn't pay attention to you. You are so ugly on the inside.

  It was at that moment that you realized you have to either confront the Doctor for the truth or just leave the Tardis forever before your ugly emotion took full control of you. But, you are a coward, you are afraid to confront the Doctor. What if he really ask you to leave? What if he thinks you are not good enough to be his companion? Because, the truth is, you don't want to leave the Doctor or the Tardis. So, what now? Do you just have to endure this pain and hope someday he will set his eyes on you again?

  "(name)? (name)!"

  You blinked your eyes through the tears.

  The Doctor is standing right in front of you with concern in his eyes.

  You wiped your tears. You gulped. "I think I got something in my eyes..." You said dumbly.

  The Doctor look pained at your words. "You can tell me anything that is bothering you."

  "Can I, really?" You didn't meant to say that but you sort of blurted it out.

  The Doctor look surprised that you even have to ask that. "Of course. You are my friend, (name), I care for you."

  You bit your lips. "I..." You can't tell him anything. What if he really ask you to leave later? But the dam is finally broken, despite your will, you ended up blurting it out. "Am I still good enough to be your friend?"

  The Doctor frowned at that.

  "Have you grow tired of me yet?" You asked again despite uttering those despairing questions brought more tears and heartache inside you.

  "What bring this on?" The Doctor asked in concern.

  You scoffed. "You have been ignoring me since forever. If you wanted me to leave, you should have say so." You wanted to hit yourself for saying that.

  "Have I? I didn't realize that I hurt you this badly." The Doctor whispered softly. "I'm so sorry, (name)."

  You wiped your tears again. You refused to look at the Doctor, ashamed and honestly unable to face him anymore.

  The Doctor put his hand over yours. He then pulled your chin up so that you look at him. He smiled kindly at you but his eyes bore sorrow. "You will always be my friend, (name), my precious, soft and kind, friend. I didn't meant to make you feel less about yourself. What I have been doing...I am not ignoring you, (name), I have my reasons and you will understand soon."  He said as he used his thumb to wipe your tears. "I promise."

  You stared at him hesitantly hopeful. Seeing the expression on his face makes you feel guilty for thinking the worst of him but also you feel the tension inside you slowly crumble away. "You better keep your promise..." You finally replied, forcing a smile on your face for his benefit.

  He grinned at you.

  You stood up, wanting to leave the room to wash your face when Amy entered the room in a hurry, quick to approach the Doctor. You bumped into the ganger Doctor. You apologized but he ignored you as he tried to reach out to Amy. Amy yelled at him to stay away. You were rooted to the spot as you watched the rest of the crew turned against the ganger Doctor despite the Doctor's protest. You left the room and goes to the bathroom, washing your face a few times, hoping to wash away the evidence of your breakdown.

  As you stared at the mirror at your reflection, you flinched suddenly at the sudden sharp headaches. You sighed as you pulled a medicine strip from your pocket. You have been having headaches every time after you have a crying fit so you took the medicines everywhere you goes. After you swallowed a pill, you took another look at your reflection, forcing yourself to smile cheerfully. You sighed and returned to face the music.

  The Doctor spoke really fast at everyone about his plan, sending you a smile once in a while. You smiled back at him.

  You really thought that everything will be fine now. But series of events revealed that the Doctor is actually a ganger and that he switched place with the original Doctor. You were confused then, was it all a lie then? If he was the ganger, does everything he says to you still true? You felt like the ground beneath you is about to crack under pressure.

  The ganger Doctor stared at you in sorrow after he said his goodbye with Amy. He suddenly pulled you into a hug as he whispered to you. "Everything I said to you is true, (name), so it is also true for him." 

  You stared at him after he pulled away. "I believe you when you said it but I don't think..." You turned to stare at the original Doctor who looked at your interaction with his ganger-self curiously.

  The ganger Doctor cupped your face. "Be more confident in yourself." He said and then he kissed your forehead. "Good bye, (name)." He pushes you toward the Doctor who is quick to pull you away and inside the Tardis. 

  You turned toward the ganger Doctor just as the door is closed and the last thing you saw is his kind eyes and sad smile and your heart broke for him.

  You fell down on the floor as the Doctor goes to the console to put coordinates to get the Tardis away.

  It was Rory who come to you and asked if you are okay as Amy went to apologizes to the Doctor.

  7777

  It was revealed that Amy is a ganger and that she has apparently been kidnapped for a long time. The Doctor finally revealed why he was obsessed with Amy. You felt like a fool once you learned the truth.

  The Doctor and Rory quickly prepared themselves to go to wars so to speak.

  You were tasked to get River on board the Tardis as you made your way to her prison room at Stormcage. River is dressed beautifully and is humming a song when you saw her. You explained what is going on to her.

  "Demons Run?" She asked you. She look stunned. "This is the day the Doctor found out who I really am." She turned to look at you suddenly and her eyes look sad. She walked toward you and pulled one of your hands. "I'm so sorry, (name), but you need to remember to hold on for the Doctor. He will need you."

  You blinked in confusion.

  River smiled before stepping away from you, not explaining what she meant.

  7777

  The Doctor was able to rescue Amy and baby Melody. You honestly didn't do anything worthy during the mission but you still feel victorious when you saw the Ponds reunited and crying over the baby. The Doctor walked into a room and put his arms on you as he watched the Ponds with a satisfied smile. He exchanged a look at you and grinned. You couldn't help but chuckles.

  You smiled as you also played with baby Melody. You were in awe of the newborn. Amy jokingly called you to be the god mother of her baby. You smiled widely at her as you declared yourself to be the best aunt ever. Deep inside you feel guilty for ever resenting Amy before.

  You thought that will be the happy ending they need to wrap it up. But the Doctor said they can't leave the base until they figure out why they want Amy's baby. The Doctor left to meet Madam Vastra in the control room.

  You smiled as you watched baby Melody inside the Doctor's crib as Rory and Amy playfully argued with each other. You left to follow the Doctor once Amy have baby Melody in her arms humming a lullaby. You walked on the long corridor into the console room where you saw Madam Vastra and Dorium who went back to where the others are.

  Your smartphone suddenly rang. The contact said 'Home'. You received the call just as you are about to enter the room but stopped short when you heard the Doctor yelled at the monitor.

  It was Madam Kovarian. For someone who already lost, she sounded so smug. 

  "Oh Doctor, fooling you once was a joy, but fooling you twice the same way? It's a privilege." Madam Kovarian grinned evilly at him. before the communication shut off by itself.

  The Doctor looked confused at first before his eyes widened in horror but just as he turned around to leave the room, he bumped into you. He was surprised to see you and more surprised when he suddenly feel a sudden sharp pain in his body. His eyes widened in disbelief as he took a look at you.

  You were staring at him with blank eyes. On your hand, a bloodied knife make its contact with the Doctor's flesh body. 

  "(name)?"

  You pulled the knife out and then twist it back inside a few more times, still with a blank expression on your face.

  The Doctor gripped his wounds with his hands. He reached out to you with one of his bloodied hand, smearing his blood on your face before falling to the floor.

  You blinked your eyes a few times as the haze inside your mind finally cleared. You glanced down and screamed at what you saw. You quickly bend your knees as you fussed over the Doctor. The Doctor is not responsive.

  You ran into the console in front of you trying to use speaker system to call out Rory for help but for the life of you, you couldn't figure all the buttons. You finally figures it out and you screamed for Rory, telling him the Doctor is hurt. You have no idea though if your voice come through.

  It was then you notice the blood on your hands and the bloodied knife in your grip. You dropped the knife in horror as your mind slowly supplied what it meant.

  You couldn't breathe. Your heart pounding hard. Your head is splitting with a sudden sharp headache. You fell on the floor. You stared at your hands as your body trembled from shock and fear. You screamed. You screamed and screamed. Distinctly you know you should warn everyone, should get the Doctor the help he needed, but for some reason, you couldn't stop screaming.

  Your vision suddenly started to grew blurry before black is all you can see. Distinctly you saw the Doctor's body started to glow yellow just before you lose consciousness.

  7777

  You woke up inside your room back in the Tardis.

  "You are awake."

  Your mind does not register the presence of a man in black suit. You blinked a few times until your vision cleared. 

  The man stared at you flatly.

  "W-who are you?" You asked nervously clutching on your blanket.

  "The Doctor."

  You blinked in confusion. "What about him?"

  He raised his attack eyebrows at you, not impressed that you still not getting it. "I am him."

  Your mind went blank at that. It was then you remembered, finding the Doctor's bloodied figure on the floor. You gasped. "The Doctor...is dead..."

  "I'm really not. I regenerated. Well, that part was very surprising considering I should no longer have any regeneration left." The Doctor said.

  "I...I killed him."

  The Doctor stared at you, not contradicting your claim. He sat there, observing you as you cried, full on sobbing. He made no move to comfort you. He looked cross. 

  You sobbed tearfully. "What have I done?"

  He sighed. "Don't cry. I am no good at crying human."

  You glanced at him. "Are you really him? Are you really the Doctor?"

  "I already said I am." He said a tad harsh, making you flinched. "Get some rest. We will talk again once you refresh." He left the room.

  You watched him go and wonder if he hates you now. Well he has every reason to hate you, after all, you did kill his previous self.

  7777

  Amy and Rory are wary around you and you can't blame them. But they did filled you in about what happened that day.

  You were saddened when you found out they lost their baby and surprised at the revelation that River is actually Melody.

  The Ponds also have hard time accepting the new Doctor. He is so different from his previous self. For once, he claimed he now ban hugging. 

  River visited the Tardis via vortex manipulator and went to talk to the Doctor, flashing you a kind smile as she saw you.

  You followed her and eavesdrop on her conversation with the Doctor something about your brainwave pattern.

  The Doctor suddenly opened the door and pulled you inside. You nearly stumbled if not for his firm grip.

  "Doctor." River warned. "Be gentle."

  They explained that someone hacked your brainwave pattern causing you to do thing you normally would not do. He wants to inject you with some chip so that he can always monitor your brainwave pattern at all times and isolates whatever cause you to turn against the Doctor.

  You agreed because you don't want to put anyone else in danger. But you got the sense that this Doctor doesn't take no for an answer from you right now.

  "I don't understand how can someone hack into my brain like that? I think I would know if someone did something to me."

  "Would you? Even Amy herself has no idea she was kidnapped for so long..." River said.

  "Are you telling me that I am a ganger too?" You asked.

  "I think someone did something to you sometimes after the Ponds' wedding."

  "I would know, wouldn't I?" You asked brokenly. "How can someone mess with my mind like this and I have no idea? How can they made me hurt the D...hurt you? How can they make me a killer without my knowledge?"

  River glanced at you sympathetically. She knew how it feels to have no control over mind and body.

  The Doctor exhaled. "I have no idea. But I will find out. And when I do, I will make them pay for whatever they did to you." He said as he glanced at you. "That is a promise."

  7777

  You weren't coping well with the fact that you have taken the Doctor's life despite him able to escape death by regenerating.

  Despite the Doctor's promise to find whoever did this to you, he is mostly busy hunting down Kovarian. You can hardly begrudging the fact once again you are not his first priority. Melody is still need rescuing after all. And you prayed that they will find her soon. Even if apparently Melody will turned out okay as she will become River.

  River had told the Doctor to be discreet so that Kovarian will never find out that he has regenerated already.

  Everyone is still talking about Lake Silencio and the fact the Doctor died there in his eleventh form. 

  River had the idea of using the Doctor's ganger from their time at St.John's Base to trick the silence.

  And that is how you found yourself face to face with a ghost.

  Amy is happy to reunite with the ganger Doctor especially since he has the face of the raggedy man she knew and loved.

  You were happy too but mostly you are afraid of his reaction upon finding out that you had killed the Doctor that has the same face as him. So, you mostly keep your distance.

  You were hiding from both Doctors somewhere in the Tardis but the ganger Doctor somehow able to find you.

  "So, this is where you have been hiding..." He murmured as he glanced down at you who were sitting on the floor with a book.

  You glanced up at him. "Yeah, well, I can't find a hole to bury myself under so..."

  He sighed as he took a seat on the floor beside you. "It wasn't your fault..."

  You didn't bother replying to that statement because you didn't believe it.

  The ganger Doctor sat beside you, no words are exchanged. He glanced at you with sorrow in his eyes, making you unable to ignore with him or focus on your own book.

  "What?"

  "(name), you are forgiven, always and completely." He said as he hold one of your hands.

  "I thought that you said it wasn't my fault."

  "It is not your fault. But it seemed to me that you need to have forgiveness. So, I'm telling you now..." 

  You felt your face gotten hot as tears threaten to fell on your cheeks. "I wish he said it. Because the one I did wrong to is him."

  "He probably think you know that it wasn't your fault and that there is nothing to forgive." 

  "How can you be sure? He is no longer the same as you. He has different opinions for everything now."

  "He is still me, still the Doctor, just slightly different." He said. "Though that rules of him, of no hugging is rubbish."

  You chuckled at that.

  He beamed, satisfied being able to make you laugh a little.

  7777

  The presence of the ganger Doctor lessen your guilt a bit. You could almost lied to yourself that he is the Doctor that you lost. 

  And then you learned of what the Doctor and River planned for the ganger Doctor. They wanted him to take the Doctor's place to die in Lake Silencio.

  "Will he survive it?" You asked. You don't want to lose him. The first time is hard enough, you don't think you can handle it.

  No one answered you.

  You shook your head. "You can't just sacrifice him."

  "We have no choice. If we didn't the paradox will destroy half of the world... It was a fixed point in time. The Doctor dies at Lake Silencio."

  You glared at the Doctor. "You said all life matters. Are you saying ganger don't matter now?"

  "(name)..." River spoke up.

  "It isn't fair!" You yelled at them.

  The twelfth Doctor scoffed at you. "Life is never fair. If it is not because of you, I would still be in my previous form and I would be the one who die on that lake. Instead I died in the hand of a so called friend. Stab multiply times actually."

  "Doctor!!" River warned him with a glare at his harshness.

  You felt like you were being slapped. You glanced at his face, trying to hold back your tears. You left the room without a word.

  The ganger Doctor glared at the Doctor. "I sometimes forgot how stupid I can be..." He said coldly at the original. He turned to look after you.

  7777

  In order to trick Kovarian and the silence, the ganger Doctor has to take the Doctor's place and continue his merry way having adventures with his companions.

  You and Amy honestly loves it, it was like having the real him back. It was apparent that you both has a hard time getting along with the new Doctor.

  You reluctantly said your goodbye once again with the ganger Doctor as the time come for him to go to the Lake Silencio. Was it always been the ganger Doctor then who died at the beginning?

  You never able to mend your relationship with the new Doctor. He is just too cold, too unapproachable. 

  You wanted to leave. What was the point of staying when he doesn't even want you around? But he won't let you leave until he solve your brainwave pattern.

  He noticed that your brain chemicals seemed unbalance, making you get stressed out. He prescribed you with drug to combat it.

  But honestly you felt toxic. You didn't think you could stay with him in his Tardis or having adventures. You simply no longer have the energy for it.  You were done with the Doctor.

  River had begged you to stay. "Remember what I said at Stormcage, to hold on the Doctor? I need you to do that right now."

  "He doesn't need me. He has you, Amy and Rory. Why would he want me around, his killer?"

  River revealed that she is also the Doctor's killer. She told you that she is the person behind the spacesuit at Lake Silencio. She told you how she was born and raised to kill the Doctor. She said she understood you for she too has no control over her body when she shot the Doctor back then. And yet the Doctor forgives her.

  You were surprised. If what she said is true, then it makes sense why she seemed to have soft spot for you. But that is also meant she always knew that you will ended up killing the Doctor and she didn't say anything or try to stop it. You were a bit upset at her for that.

  "I can't interfere. Like I said, your future is my past. I can't change anything." River said. "No matter how much I want to."

  7777

  The Doctor glanced at your brainwave pattern at the monitor in the console room. He exhaled. He still has no idea how to fix you. Deep inside he was enraged at whoever screw you up just to get to him.

  He suspected it was Kovarian's scheme too at first but if it was really her, she would know by now that the Doctor has regenerated. It seemed his lies back in Lake Silencio worked out. 

  But he does think about the prophecy Dorium talked, something regarding Trenzalore. Has that prophecy become invalid then? As it spoke of the fall of the Eleventh and he has actually regenerated into his Twelfth form.

  He recalled his conversation with his ganger version. He had warned him to get his bearing together or he will end up losing you and the Ponds.

  Sometimes the Doctor wonder if he is still the Doctor. He felt disconnected from his usual Doctor persona.

  7777

  Following the ganger Doctor and River's advice, you tried to talk to the Doctor but it just hard. He made it hard. He is so stern and cold unlike his past version.

  You talked to Amy and Rory about it and they both agreed to try to bond with the new Doctor as best as they can. After all the Doctor is a dear friend. They have to try to reconnect with him. He is worth the effort.

  It was Amy that is able to break through the ice around the Doctor. You frowned as you saw Amy hugged him despite his protests. They were arguing before but Amy is able to get through him.

  You were jealous. No matter which Doctor, they always prefer Amy over you.

  The Tardis currently landed in Cardiff for refuel. You got out of the Tardis in daze with tears in your eyes. You walked for how long until you found yourself seated on a bench. 

  You snapped out of your daze when your smartphone is ringing. The contact 'Home' displayed on the screen. You received the call and everything turned black.

  7777

  "You are awake." A computer-generated voice called out to you.

  You jerked awake in confusion as you took in your new surrounding. 

  There is a monitor on the wall with a screensaver of sort that spelled GI.

  "Petta, report on the Doctor." The voice said.

  You were confused. Who is Petta?

  The voice repeated the command.

  "It won't work." The Doctor replied suddenly.

  You turned toward the Doctor in confusion but he paid you no mind as he glanced at the monitor.

  "Intruder alert. Intruder alert." The voice sounded an alarm.

  The Doctor look bored. "Don't bother. My friends has this base of yours surrounded by now." He said. "GI...right? Great Intelligence? Not that smart eh? Why don't you scan her?"

  You were scared now. "Doctor, what is going on?"

  A ray of light suddenly scanned you and the voice replied in monotone voice, "Non-human detected. Analysis showed a flesh ganger."

  You felt like you are being slapped. You are a ganger? "Doctor!!" You yelled at him.

  He finally turned to you. He walked toward you and touched the side of your forehead and a flashback memory assaulted your sense.

  You were back at the Demons Run watching yourself just after you found the Doctor's bloodied form. You watched as the you of that time frantically trying to call for help and then noticing the bloody knife on your hands. You had screamed as the realization of what you have done come over you. You watched yourself sobbed in despair and then you stabbed yourself.

  You gasped and jerked away from the vision. You don't remember doing that last part.

  You heard the Doctor is explaining to the Great Intelligence how his plan to get you to kill him failed and what he did to save you.

  The Doctor has just regenerated and the first thing he saw was your dying self. Despite still out of sort, he knew what he has to do. He managed to save you and then he put you inside the flesh technology on the lab at Demons Run.

  Your flesh self actually is somewhat free from whatever virus infecting your original self. The Great Intelligence had apparenty brainwash your original self to kill the Doctor and then yourself. With how they messed with your brain chemical, it was easy to make yourself commit suicide afterward.

  But the GI didn't count on the Doctor regenerating and able to save you. The Doctor had made a flesh ganger of you and set you as a bait to trap the GI to show itself.  The chip inside you is also serve as a tracker. That is how the Doctor is able to get here as fast as he is.

  The Doctor demanded that the GI undo what it has done to your original self. 

  The GI had laughed in that grating computer voice of it. The monitor show the sims-like man cartoon of an old man with sinister face, mocking the Doctor for his inability to fully save you.

  "The reason you made a copy of flesh ganger is because you know Petta will obey me and when she woke up to find you alive, she will have no choice but to kill you again and then herself." The GI grinned. 

  The Doctor look very cross but didn't deny the GI's claim. He started threatening the GI in his fury of the oncoming storm.

  You froze, still stuck on the loop of what the GI had said about your original self.

  Despite his carefully constructed plan, the GI had managed to escape from the Doctor's grasp albeit wounded through the computer virus the Doctor uploaded.

  The Doctor has no idea what even the GI is but he will not rest until he recapture him. He turned to look at you.

  "Does everyone but me know that I am not real?" You asked.

  The Doctor didn't reply at first but he eventually nodded.

  "Did the ganger Doctor also know?"

  The Doctor nodded again.

  You snorted. "So, everyone know and lie to me about it all."

  The Doctor didn't say anything.

  "Where is my real body then? Inside the Tardis, yeah? Where?" You asked him.

  "Does it matter?"

  "Where is my true body, Doctor?!" You screamed at him.

  7777

  It makes sense now. Amy and Rory were not wary of you. That was pity for you, of being the one in the dark, out of the loop. Everyone kindness was just a lie.

  You glanced at your original self lying weakly on the bed. Your life is still on the line it seemed. You often spend your time staring at yourself which probably isn't healthy but who cares?

  You made your way to the machine that held a life support system and considering to terminate it. 

  "Step away from it, (name)." You heard the Doctor's demand.

  "Why? Do you think this is what we want? Do you think we could live with it after being a killer?"

  "I am here. You are not a killer. And I will fix you."

  "And then what? You will erased my memory of the truth?"

  The Doctor didn't reply but something on his expression convinced you that it was indeed his plan.

  You scoffed in disbelief.

  "Why does it matter? Didn't my ganger self had told you already that you are forgiven?"

  "Even if you could, do you really think I could forgive myself? I will always be a threat to you!"

  "I swear to you no matter how long, no matter what, I will find a way to fix you. You can live a normal life." The Doctor pleaded. "Just don't do this. Don't throw it all away."

  "I'm sorry, Doctor."

  "I'm sorry too, (name)." The Doctor pointed his sonic screwdriver at you, much to your shock, and vaporizing you.

  The Doctor stepped toward the bed, staring at you with sorrow. "I will protect you, (name), even from yourself."

       A/N: As usual I ended up writing different from what I've planned and it probably not gonna making any sense again. Honestly, I always ended up not finishing my stories but not on purpose, mostly because i have no idea how to fill in the blank. i'm really bad at this. But writing when I have the boost for it is fun so I hope you have fun reading this too. Please leave comments if you like this. Take care of yourself, stay safe.

#doctor who x reader #11th doctor x reader #ganger!doctor x reader #doctor who fanfiction #doctor who imagine #shiefenwrites

[lovelypale]

Narcotics // Addict!Senjuro x Dealer!Reader

Warnings: 18+, drug use, addiction, toxic relationship, suicide mention, it’s consensual but I’m gonna say dubcon just in case, mostly plot with a bit of spice, Senjuro is college aged.

Words: 1600

a/n: Had this idea plaguing me and I just needed to get it out. Sensitive topic here (as if I write anything that isn’t) but yeah may or may not give these two a happy or sad ending. Let me know I guess!

You opened the door to the large figure in front of you, dripping from the downpour that was tearing through the city. He was imposing in stature but still very skinny otherwise; a very meek man. He was shivering, but you had a feeling that it wasn't from the rain. 

"Why did you take the last train?" You tested the water with a small opener. It was very curious that he would show up so late, again. He knows what he's here for, but you wanted him to say it himself. 

He opened his mouth to speak but ultimately couldn't, instead opting for a shaky wave. You scoffed and opened your door wider for him before leaving to get a towel. When you returned he was still at the door, still shaking, still appearing utterly helpless. You handed him the towel and he took it from you, still avoiding your eyes. Everything was silent. 

"I'm not selling to you anymore Senjuro." 

He continued to stand there, blond and red locks frayed and dripping water on the floor. He looked beautiful, always does, it was a talent that even helpless and strung out he still looked breathtaking. He nodded and hugged himself tighter. "I'm sorry. I'll do anything, please." 

"You don't want anything from me." You put your hand against his cheek and felt his cool trembling against your warm skin. He was desperate again. He said he was going to quit plenty of times but he would always end up right back at your doorstep. You watched him grow from a slightly misguided kid to a truly fucked over adult. He barely knew his mom, dad's an alcoholic, and his brother seems alright but he was always busy teaching. You're sure he's messed up like everyone else and is just the type to let things fester in secret but Senjuro doesn't know that. He thinks he's the problem, the only one that couldn't cope, that can't contribute in the way that his older brother does. It messed with him so badly that it led him to you. The school's dealer. Not only can you make the pain disappear, you can make it feel good.

He doesn't need to feel good. He needs to never see you again. 

"I can't stop shaking, my family will notice. Please." 

"I hope you know they’d hate what you do for this more than the actual drugs itself." He looked at you with his dull red eyes through his foggy glasses, you remember when they used to sparkle. He wasn't like you, he was always so motivated and happy. At some point you used to envy his shy and upbeat demeanor. 

"I understand." He smiled at you but it looked eerie and unnatural. He wasn’t lying about his shaking though, it really did look bad.

You shook your head at him and sighed, turning around to a side room to check your supply. Lucky him, you had exactly what he needed. You took just one and dropped It in his palm. He looked at you confused. "I told you I'm not selling you shit anymore. You're getting one to tide you over, other than that I don't want to see you here ever again. Get help."

He looks at you with a plea in his eyes as he gently grabs your arm. "I don’t think I have anyone else y/n, please don’t leave me alone.”

"That's not my problem, do you even have money anymore?" You pushed away from him and he quickly latched back on to you. Your heart strained in your chest, you always hated this part. This stupid hug he gave you that brought you back to your youth, the days of being in high school when he hugged you before running off to his friends. This was always just business to you but he walked into your life and you’ve felt increasingly responsible for him since. It felt less and less like making money and more like assisted suicide. 

He placed the pill in his mouth and pulled himself even closer to you, ''Anything." You felt his still wet body pressed against you and you knew this fight was over.

You sighed before pulling away from him and walking to your room. He followed you, knowing exactly how this routine went. He watched you kick off your pants and your underwear. You sat on your bed in nothing but your top and watched him with guilty eyes. He was pretty, even with fading hair and way less weight than he started with he was gorgeous to you. Usually people as deep as him don’t maintain as well but he managed to keep his baby face. He looks tired, the type of tired sleep can't fix, but at least you can't tell that he's sold his life away for a drug. At least not yet, but he's getting there. 

You know you're taking advantage of him, but he's also hoping you do. He’s always been a people pleaser and you can’t say no to letting him please you. It started with him running you drinks to making out in your car and now...Terrible. As sinister as this courtship is, neither of you truly want to stop. You loved him, but not enough to stop him from hurting himself. "Hurry up, you have an 8 AM tomorrow." 

“I dropped that course.” 

You stared at him with pure pain in your eyes. “Of course you did.” 

He peels himself out of his wet clothes with a slight sway to his form, you can tell whatever issues that plague him are starting to float away. As usual, he keeps his glasses on. He smiles at you with weird reverence, like he's thankful that you're going to be the one to ultimately kill him. Your hand immediately takes hold of his pretty cock. Long, curved, and pink at the tip. You swirled your thumb around his tip as he patiently waited for you to tell him what to do. You made languid movements up and down his twitching dick, thinking to yourself that you should probably do something before he's completely spaced out. 

"Lay down." He listens and slowly gets on your bed before giving his attention back to you. You can never seem to get over how dainty he looks, it makes you feel even worse about your little situation. You get on top of him and he instantly starts bucking against you, not really even aiming for anything, just trying to get the burning sensation on his skin to cool down. You didn't prep but you didn't need to, taking him was easy. Power and pity is two things you've learned to sexualize when it comes to him. His vulnerability had to be hot or else it would quickly become sad.  

His legs squirm underneath you from the building sensitivity. He utters small "thank you" and gasps as you move up and down his dick. His slight curve rubbed against your upper wall, causing you to be noisier than you'd like to be.  He's getting warmer and warmer, feeling found inside of you. The world is fading off into something more obscure, something that isn't tangible. Your hips feel plush against his palm, he's digging down and tearing into your skin but he knows you’ll forgive him for it.

You watch him writhe in ecstasy, getting closer and closer to his high. He looked so beautiful with his hair all over your bed and his glasses threatening to fall off completely. You never get a warning with him, your orgasms are always so sudden and violent. Your thighs squished his as you curled into yourself, he was still thrusting, seeking his own relief. You thought you were going to pass out from the feeling of him still plunging deep inside of you. "S-stop." 

You pulled off of him and wrapped your hand around his sticky cock again, not wanting to leave him hanging. He seemed to be capable of the job on his own, thrusting into your warm palm with pure joy. "I'm getting close-." You didn't give him the chance to finish his sentence before you changed your hand motion to a slight twist. He came almost instantly in your grasp, you flinched from the slight splatter against your face as you continued to move your hand. He struggled to look at you. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that." 

You let go and grabbed the same towel you gave him to dry off. "You always say sorry so much, stop it." You knew he probably didn't hear that, he was past the point of holding an intelligible conversation. There's nothing but the sound of your sheets moving underneath his squirming body and the sound of faint moaning, it wasn't a pretty sight but you're used to it.

You watched him move around until he eventually stayed completely still, fully enraptured by his high. He was going to be stuck like this for a few hours. You shook your head, admonishing yourself for even letting him in. You can't keep giving him drugs, and you especially can't keep letting him pay you like this. You grabbed his glasses and put it on your dresser so he wouldn’t crush it, in that moment his phone lit up and you saw the message, it was his brother. His friends stopped asking where he disappeared to a long time ago, it was truly only Kyojuro that still cared about where he went to at night. He has to know the reason why his brother is slipping away.

Hey! I finished grading tests early and picked up your favorite on my way home. I was hoping I could talk to you tonight but don’t worry about it! Your food is in the fridge. Wherever you are, stay safe. We care about you.

You winced at the message and decided to respond for him. Thank you, I'm staying with a friend to study tonight. I'll be back tomorrow. 

Nothing but routine.

#senjurou x reader #senjuro #rengoku #demon slayer x reader #kny x reader #demon slayer #kny #kimetsu no yaiba x reader #senjuro x reader #kyojuro rengoku #plot makes me thirsty I'm sorry guys #as usual if you see any mistakes no you didn't

[caffeinatedseri]

Dead Apple Light Novel

Recently, I decided to buy LN 5, Dead Apple, purely because I’m a sucker for all of BSD’s light novels, so this post will revolve around what I took away from this novel. 

Dead Apple is Canon

Since the story jumps around in the timeline a lot, I had originally thought that Dead Apple took place outside of canon (especially with Atsushi’s flashback). 

However, a particular part of Asagiri’s afterword stuck out to me:

Now, allow me a moment to discuss some of the particulars of Dead Apple. Chronologically, the story takes place after the second season of the anime — in other words, after the war with the Guild, which puts Dead Apple somewhere between the ninth and tenth volumes of the manga. 

The novel also ended up affecting the main story in numerous ways, and I’m sure this new experience will continue to influence my future work as well.

It’s not unusual for a light novel to insert itself into the main timeline (see 55 Minutes which takes place in the 10th volume), but it’s nice to have confirmation that the same applies to Dead Apple. 

Of course, just because a work isn’t canon compliant (see BEAST), doesn’t mean that it has no potential for further analysis or it doesn’t bring any added complexity to the main plot. Regardless, this post serves as somewhat of a precursor to my other posts concerning Dead Apple since I have a tendency to talk about it a lot, and I’d like to establish a basis for a lot of my posts. 

Differences between the Movie and Light Novel

In the afterword of the light novel, Hiro Iwahata (the author of this LN) said:

“Furthermore, I worked on this book under Asagiri’s supervision, meaning there are several lines in certain scenes that differ from the movie. It might even be fun comparing the two!  Nothing would make me happier than the fans enjoying this novel alongside the movie.”

As per Iwahata’s request, I went into the light novel, looking for differences between it and the movie. However, the novel is surprisingly, almost identical to the movie (maybe not surprising considering it is a “movie novelization”).

Because the differences are so miniscule, I believe they hold an even greater significance, since Asagiri must have wanted to change these specific details for a certain reason. 

Some of the differences I talk about might be unimportant, but I did my best to catch everything that was changed from the movie.

1. The movie doesn’t mention SKK as a part of the Dragon’s Head Conflict, but the novel says, “Some fought under the alias Twin Dark.” 

This probably means that SKK became a pair either before the Dragon’s Head Conflict or during (although I’m pretty sure that the “organization” they destroyed over night was Shibusawa’s organization).

2. When Dazai says that he would’ve continued killing people in the mafia if it weren’t for Oda, Atsushi has little to no reaction in the movie; I would describe it as maybe a hesitant or concerned feeling.

In the novel, Atsushi has a more outward reaction.

““Huh...?!” Atsushi was baffled. He had no idea whether that was true. What did Dazai mean by that? (...) The melancholy Atsushi felt from Dazai had disappeared, and Dazai continued to speak in his usual lighthearted manner.”

Not only does he react verbally, but the novel also adds an inner monologue (mainly for Atsushi) that can’t be portrayed as well in movie format. 

To me, this change highlights how Atsushi sees Dazai purely as a good person; he reacts in such a startled manner because he believes that Dazai is too good of a person to be in the mafia killing people (which we know Atsushi hates). This trend reoccurs throughout the story, of Atsushi turning a blind eye to Dazai’s “bad side.”

3. This one isn’t at all the movie’s fault, but the novel gives a lot more clues as to what the “dead apple” and the dagger in the apple motif represents.

The first time it appears is when Kunikida and Tanizaki meet the Special Division’s agent, but they find out that he’s already dead.

“It [the apple] was, without a doubt, a simple fruit... save for the fact that there was a knife sticking out of it as if to condemn the taste of sin. A blade had been driven into the symbol of original sin. A dreary, ominous aura, oozed from the ripe fruit like venom. 

Throughout the novel, it seems to associate the “dead apple” motif with Fyodor pretty strongly, especially since this paragraph ties in Fyodor’s ideals nicely with the symbolism of the apple and dagger.

The apple represents sin, the very first sin — which you could interpret as sin at its purest — while the dagger represents the condemning of such sin. However, the apple can also potentially symbolize life, while the dagger stabbing into life can mean death. 

Fyodor’s ideals revolve around “removing the sin” of ability users (represented by an apple in this case) but he does so through manipulation. The dagger is associated with stealth and deception, which is fitting with what Fyodor does to “remove the sin” of ability users.

However, he’s also taking the lives of ability users in this process, hence stabbing the apple, coincidentally committing another sin in his attempt to relinquish all sin.

4. In the “Snow White” Oda and Dazai flashback, everything is identical to the movie (word for word), but there is some additional narration.

“It was an alarming sight — Dazai sounded like he was in a trance. It was as if he was ignoring all this world had to offer while in pursuit of something else.”

I’ve talked about this particular scene before here, but the gist is that Dazai was discreetly talking about himself while referring to Snow White. 

Dazai joined the mafia because he believed that the violence (or true human nature) would give him a reason to live, but we already know that this kind of thinking was flawed.  Thus, this line most likely means that Dazai was ignoring all of the “good” qualities of the world while pursuing a reason to live, which inevitably wouldn’t work. 

5. Right after the flashback, when Dazai takes the pill, the novel really sells the act of “Dazai walking towards his death and going to the evil side.” 

Personally, this scene in the movie felt more open to interpretation after you’ve seen the ending. You could say that Dazai took the antidote and said “Being on the side that saves people is more beautiful,” because his plan is to continue living to save more people. 

However, the novel throws away any possible double meaning with this paragraph:

“Dazai then reached for the pill with his bandaged hand, neatly picked it up, and slowly brought it to his lips — just like Snow White and the sweet, poisoned apple. The venomous red-and-pure-white-pill disappeared inside his mouth.”

After Dazai’s tangent on how Snow White could’ve committed suicide out of despair, the narration compares him directly to Snow White. With the added venomous pill stated outright, it only further cements the idea that Dazai’s actually committing suicide here.

I don’t particularly like this change, because it feels like this moment was set up entirely just to divert the audience’s expectations, rather than it be a standalone scene that makes sense when considering the rest of the story. (It might not necessarily be a change, possibly just a rough translation from movie to novel). 

6. When Atsushi wakes up from his nightmare, there’s some additional inner monologue:

Everything’s okay. I’m not the same person I was when I lived at the orphanage. I have friends. I have a place where I belong — the Armed Detective Agency. Things are different now.

The anime (and in turn the movie) tends to downplay the effects of Atsushi’s trauma — probably due to the limitations of anime — but regardless the novel portrays it much better with how Atsushi’s trauma affects practically every aspect of his life. 

7. I thought Fukuzawa’s ability only gave his subordinates control over their abilities, but the novel says:

“Yukichi Fukuzawa and his skill, All Men are Equal, a peculiar ability that allowed him to suppress and control his subordinates’ skills.”

Does this mean that Fukuzawa could control and suppress all of the agency’s abilities? It could be a weird translation, but it seems oddly specific.

8. This detail isn’t actually a novel exclusive, but it is an extremely small detail that I missed while watching the movie, so I figured I would add it here too.

“the phantom’s notebook had the word Compromise written on the cover. A copy of himself that didn’t follow ideals but made compromises was an abomination to Kunikida.”

Considering how abilities act as the shadow to every character in this story, this is a nice detail that shows how Kunikida’s inner desire is to compromise, because carrying such heavy ideals is undoubtedly a burden. However, because he holds onto his ideals so strongly, it becomes his biggest weakness AND his biggest strength.

9. There’s a super small detail added to this scene with Dazai, Fyodor, and Shibusawa. When Dazai suggests that Shibusawa could be saved by an angel or a demon, the following exchange occurs:

“Hmm... Maybe an angel?” Dazai picked up the skull on the table. “Or maybe a demon?” “It’s obvious what both of your true intentions are, if you ask me.” The third man mirthfully cackled and took the skull from Dazai’s hand.

In the movie, Dazai doesn’t pick up anything, so as a result Fyodor doesn’t take anything from Dazai either. 

Because Fyodor walked into the scene after Dazai suggested that an angel or demon would save Shibusawa, I strongly suspect that this was foreshadowing future events in which Fyodor does “save” Shibusawa by giving him his memories back.

The novel adds more to this foreshadowing by having Dazai pick up the skull before it’s taken by Fyodor — essentially having Fyodor take the cards out of Dazai’s hands and put them in his favor. 

It’s also worth pointing out that the skull is also the object that Fyodor uses to revive Shibusawa into a supernatural ghost of some sorts at the end of the story.

10. This may be just a difference in translations but in the movie, Shibusawa refers to Fyodor as “Demon Fyodor-kun”, whereas in the novel Fyodor is called “Fyodor the Conjurer.” (Ango uses the Conjurer title as well).

In western esotericism, a conjurer is a person who summons supernatural beings, like spirits, demons, or God.

This slightly changes the connotation of Fyodor’s title from a inhuman being of pure malicious intent to just a human who summons these otherworldly beings. This idea also aligns with Shibusawa’s revival, since he’s some sort of supernatural ghost that was “summoned” by Fyodor. 

11. Skipping past the parts where Kyouka and Akutagawa regain their abilities, and Chuuya talks to Ango in the government facility, (since they have little to no changes between the movie and the novel) there is a somewhat significant detail changed in Draconia once again with Dazai and Fyodor.

In the novel, this glowing ball of energy from the movie is actually described as an apple: 

The two lights melted into one and spun until they formed a juicy sphere. They had produced a single apple — a juicy, poisoned apple red as blood.

It birthed a skill — and an extremely powerful one at that — the ability to absorb. Every last crystal adorning Draconia’s walls was sucked into the apple with intense force. Ten — a hundred — a thousand — two thousand — every last one was greedily devoured by the apple...

The apple swelled as it absorbed the numerous crystals until the red light became hotter than the surface of hell.

Since the “dead apple” motif aligns with Fyodor’s character, we can assume that the apple is representative of sin, and sin is associated with abilities, as Fyodor believes.

This strange poisoned apple is made of abilities and has an ability (the ability to absorb), and it commits a sin (greed) in its devouring of other abilities; it’s also hotter than “hell”, which is a very specific connection that leads me to this idea:

My theory is that a normal apple represents life, while a poisoned apple (or dead apple), indicative of a stained, impure life, represents sin. Fyodor believes abilities are akin to sin (what a clever rhyme), therefore all of their lives are sinful.

12. This is arguably the most insignificant change of this entire post, but I feel obligated to put it here regardless since it was different from the movie. When the Special Division detects the singularity of Shibusawa’s dragon form in the novel, it says:

“Abnormal values for singularity are increasing! They’re twice — no, 2.5 times higher than they were six years ago.”

In the movie, the number is five times higher instead.

Why did this number change? Is it significant? I honestly have no idea (I’m surprised I even caught this), but it’s there and I had to document it anyways. 

13. The novel adds this narration for Shibusawa when he gets his memories back and he’s in the orphanage’s room with Atsushi:

“Shibusawa clearly recalled the events from six years ago. Fyodor had enticed him to go to the orphanage where he tortured a young Atsushi... until Atsushi fought back and killed him.”

There’s two things to take away from this: Fyodor had known Shibusawa for at least six years, and Fyodor had been planning the events of Dead Apple since at least six years ago. 

I find it hard to believe that Fyodor’s plan was thwarted by Dazai, because of how Fyodor demonstrated his ability to plan ahead in the main series, but I’m not sure what the long term effects of this plan could be. If Shibusawa succeeded, then it could’ve aligned with the DOA’s goals, but once again I don’t think Fyodor’s plan was actually foiled.

14. Super minor once again, but right after Shibusawa gets revived, the last sentence of chapter 5 is,

“Nobody would ever see the smile on Fyodor’s face.” 

Honestly, I think this was just added to create an ominous tone, but it’s a nice detail regardless.

15. As the red fog spreads across Yokohama, there’s a good part of exposition that connects the “dead apple” motif to Fyodor once again:

“After the red fog devoured the earth, the planet would undoubtedly look like a floating red apple from space. There would be no humans left on its surface, nor any signs they ever existed. It would be a true paradise, and with that, the Dead Apple would finally be complete. A dead planet covered in red fog — that was what Fyodor had planned and sought out.

Nothing other than death could wash away the original sin of man, so it was only fitting for the sin, which started with a fruit, to end with one as well. 

It’s pretty long, but I like the way this passage is written, more specifically the last part since it fits well with the sinful poisoned apple idea.

It also aligns with Fyodor’s ideals of creating a true paradise, free of ability users. However, if Fyodor had planned to have the Earth covered in fog, that could mean that his plan was actually stopped by Dazai and Atsushi in the end.

16. Shibusawa has a few additional lines of dialogue when he talks to Atsushi in their final fight.

“The dragon and tiger... I see now why they are called rivals.”

The dragon and tiger have their roots in Chinese Buddhism, but to go further into that topic would make this already lengthy post even longer.

“Don’t get the wrong idea, though. I’m not blaming you for what happened.”

This line is a brief moment of weakness for Shibusawa, which is interesting in contrast to his strong will to kill Atsushi. Just as Atsushi learned to accept the past and the tiger’s ferocity, Shibusawa shares the same attitude by separating the blame from himself to just simply accepting the past for what happened.

17. In the aftermath of the last fight against Shibusawa, Atsushi and Kyouka meet up with Dazai.

Kyouka asks, “Are you sure this is what you wanted?” which prompts two different responses in the movie and novel respectively.

In the movie, Atsushi says, “Just as Shibusawa was able to forget that he’d been killed before, I think Dazai can put his past behind him again. But this is fine.”

In the novel, Atsushi says:

“... I could probably seal away this memory just like how I’d forgotten I’d killed him before. But... I’m okay with this.”

I interpreted Kyouka’s question in the movie to be questioning Dazai’s loyalties, as he did betray everyone, and Atsushi responded in Dazai’s defense because he trusts him.

However, the novel does change Atsushi’s response to focus on himself rather than Dazai, which in turn changes the implications of Kyouka’s question. 

Kyouka seems to be asking Atsushi whether he was okay with killing Shibusawa, and Atsushi responds by acknowledging that he did kill Shibusawa, and that’s okay. (a very clear development from the beginning of the story when he believed it was unnecessary to kill anyone, and he didn’t want to kill anyone)

18. In the epilogue, Ango talks about the underlying motivations behind the “Dead Apple” case. This change could be attributed to translation differences (like many others in this post), but the connotation does slightly differ from movie to novel. 

In the movie, Ango says, “How is a man like Shibusawa, so intelligent that others look like alien creatures to him, to act, to be destroyed, or to be saved?”

In the novel, Ango says:

“Perhaps the two of them [Dazai and Fyodor] just wanted to get a glimpse of someone like them... Perhaps they wanted to see what he would do and how he would meet his demise... or perhaps how he would be saved.”

The movie simply poses a broad question of what would happen to Shibusawa, a person alienated from the rest of society. 

The novel changes this to focus on Dazai and Fyodor’s perspective — two irredeemable aliens from society just like Shibusawa — executing this grand scheme out of curiosity to see what would happen to someone of the likes of them, and if there’s a possibility for redemption.

19. This is the final difference on this list, and it’s quite a large change. In Fyodor’s monologue at the very end of the story, he has a completely different tone from the movie to novel.

In the movie, Fyodor says, “But in order to end this world, rife with crime and punishment, I do need that book.”

The novel says: 

Glittering high-rises and stately brick buildings stood side by side in this port city with its countless citizens who struggled against crime and punishment. “I think I’ve taken a liking to this city myself..”  Fyodor took a bite of the apple in his hand, and the juicy nectar ran down his delicate fingers. “You’d all better be on your best behavior until next time.”

The reference to the book may have been removed for consistency with the main series, as the book is a part of the DOA’s plan (or more specifically Fukuchi). 

It also seems like Fyodor has grown fond of the city, and no longer wants Yokohama to be destroyed, so it’s still possible that his plan deterred from what he had originally intended.

Beyond that, I’m not entirely sure why crime and punishment was mentioned, or why there’s such an ominous tone to his ending statement, but that’s up to personal interpretation. 

That concludes the long list of extremely specific and minor differences between the Dead Apple movie and light novel! 

Overall, I would say it’s worth checking out the light novel if you don’t have a strong grasp of the Dead Apple story, because it definitely presents the small intricacies of the plot in a more comprehensible way. 

On a side note, the manga adaptation has a lot of noticeable differences from the movie and light novel, mostly with the addition of entirely new scenes (which you can read @buraihatranslations​ — what a shameless self plug). I would highly recommend reading it as those extra scenes are very amusing, to say the least without giving any spoilers.

Honestly, this post was a lot longer than I intended, but I hope you enjoyed it regardless. Thank you for reading!

#bsd #bsd dead apple #bsd meta #bungou stray dogs

[slytherinqueenrose]

You Saved Me | Tom Felton

Hi! Before reading l'd like to say my English, my grammar and all of that are huh not very good. That's my first time writing in English so l'm sorry about all possible mistakes. I wrote it because I don't see imagines about Tom. Draco and Erich are popular as hell but Thomas... :/

Summary: Tom's about to suicide but changes mind after talking with you.

It’s me again. Tom. I’m back being sure, it’s true. She has someone. She cheats on me. After all those years she did the something-something on the side and what’s the worst - she’s been lying till the end and I believed she loved me. What a dumb boy I am, aren’t I? I just threw her stuff out of my house, not thinking of what people will say. Not their life, not their problem, not their business. And now I’m sitting right in front of my coffe table full of bottles, thinking which one I should start with. Just … what he’s got that I don’t have? I wasted so much time… Maybe I could find somebody worth my attention if I wasn’t blind. I did everything I could, I gave her what she needed and what I got back? She kicked me out of her life. I don’t even have someone who’d let me cry in their shoulder. I am left alone. No sense.

Tom looked at the bottles and then leaned his head on the headboard of a big sofa he was occupying. Eyes closed suddenly, to stop his salty tears from falling but it didn’t help. His cheeks now wet and lips started trembling. He really loved her and couldn’t believe she left him. It’s been few days now, since he lost the whole happiness. His eyes always sad and mind… full of suicidal thoughts. Terrifying but real. One day he saw a wedding picture of his ex with her new man and that totally broke him. Unbelievable how quickly she started her new life with another one. Tears, broken heart, suicide - three words which described his life perfectly. Tom though he has nobody to live for anymore so one day he was ready to end his existence. Alcohol and pills - ready. But he wanted to talk to his beloved fans one last time before making any movement.

Tom Felton’s going live.

As always, massive amount of people asking about joining him. Of of them was you. Y/N Y/L/N, his huge fan for few years now. He made you who you were and helped you to move on after… a traumatic incident. You loved him with your whole heart so that made you click on “ask for joining” with a light speed. You didn’t actually know what you could tell him but who doesn’t try, doesn’t drink a champagne as well. Additionally you’re sure, there’s no chance he could choose you out of few thousands of fans so there’s no reason to worry. But wait -

Tom Felton accepted your join request.

Shock? Of course. Only a few seconds passed and you were sharing screen with the blond beauty, now smiled (but it definitely wasn’t a real smile).

- Oh my god. Hello Tom!-You said with a visible excitement.

- Hullo, my darling. I couldn’t deny you. I really like your name. It’s really nice to meet you, love. How are you, how old are you, where are you from?-He asked, his eyes never leaving your face.

- Oh so many questions just at the beginning.-You chuckled.-Well, I’m 21 and I live in England. And thank you, I’m kinda fine. What about you? Are you alright?

Well, you knew people don’t really use to ask these questions to their idol. They suppose celebrities all doing great just because they’re famous and rich but it’s a bullshit. No matter how much money and fame you have, you can be struggling with different problems as well. You didn’t want to say stuff like “I love you, you changed me”. Let’s be honest - that was just predictable and boring.

- Thank you for asking, darling. I’m fine. It’s really kind of you.-He said and you could tell he melted after hearing it.

- That’s absolutely normal. You have problems as anyone here. Only because you’re famous, it doesn’t make you free from struggling, does it? I’d love to say thank you for choosing me. You have no idea how much it means to me. I had such a bad day. I almost said it’s the worst one lately but after seeing a notification about your live, I changed my mind. It’s not that bad.-You said and you both laughed. Tom seemed pretty relaxed listening to your voice. The truth was he totally forgot about his plans.-You know, you’re just such a living happiness. I’ve gone through a lot in my life, believe me. I met you in the most horrific time and you gave my ass such a strong kick that I said goodbye to my depression the same moment I saw you. You know, I was planning a suicide. I’m not sure if I should say it but yeah, I’m not kidding or so. I have no idea why but you could just stand right in front of me, motionless and you’d still make me the happiest person existing. I believe your family and friends are proud they have you. You’re the best, the purest person I know, even though I don’t actually know you personally. What I wanna say before I’ll start crying is thank you for being, smiling, talking to us and going live because maybe it seems to be nothing but it really saves many lives. Mine too. I don’t know what I’d do without you or if I’d still be here. Ok, gonna cry, just stop now.-You chuckled and hidden your face behind a notebook. Tom’s cheeks were wet again.

- Oh, don’t cry, my love. You’ll make me cry too.-He said, while wiping tears of his face.-That was lovely. Really lovely. If I could hug you right now, you’d probably have to sleep in my arms because I wouldn’t free you.-He laughed.

- Same to you, Thomas.

- Could you tell me what you meant by saying you went through a lot?-He asked and you sighted.

- Well, I was 15 when my parents died in a car accident. I was bullied at school for 3 years because of being an orphan and then when I though the hell has already finished… My ex raped me. Many months passed by thinking of the quickest death. I had nobody to talk to and though it’s the only way to free myself from suffering.

Your voice seemed quieter by every spoken word. Tom was just sitting there, motionless, shocked, with mouth slightly agape.

- And then I found your Instagram. It gave me so much positive energy and motivation that I just left everything behind and started everything again, from the very beginning.

- I shouldn’t have asked it. Not here, with so many people are listening.

- That’s alright. I’m fine now and that’s your job. I’m really thankful for meeting you. I know I wasn’t meant to die. You were my sign.-You said with a smile on your face and then… a message appeared on your screen. A message from Tom.

- You’re wonderful. Strong and a very powerful girl. I love you, don’t ever forget, my darling. It was a pleasure to talk to you. Thank you for everything. Now I guess it’s time to go for me. I’m pretty washed out and need to go to bed. Have a great night, love.-He told, then blinked right at you and finished the stream.

- Can’t believe I actually talked to him.-You whispered to yourself before opening his message.

Will it be all right if I’ll ask about your address?

Taunton, 6 Manor Rd, London. You wanna visit me? ;)

I really need to talk to someone.

I’m waiting.

What’s wrong? You were kind of frozen, thinking of all possible scenarios. What could had happened so he needed someone so bad? You were waiting for about two long hours, thinking and thinking and thinking and then a doorbell made you jump. Finally. You opened the door with a light speed and the sight totally broke your heart. Tom’s wearing a hoodie. His mouth trembling and eyes teary. Before you said a word, he hugged you so tightly, you almost lost your breath. He was crying. That angel really was crying and all you could do was hug him back and stroke his back. After few minutes of standing like that, you closed the door and walked him to the sofa, still holding him tightly.

- She dumped me.-He whispered.

- What a fucking slut…-You growled.-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t say it. I’m not the best in comforting but… You have to move on. You’ll find a perfect person one day. She’s not worth your time and tears. She already wasted few years of yours.-You whispered. He just shook his head and looked at you with a puppy face.

- You don’t understand. You saved me. I was about to end my life.-He added and that’s all you needed to have your vision blurred.

- W-what are you talking about? No. You’re not serious, are you?

- I was ready to do that. Alcohol and pills are still lying on my coffe table. I just wanted to talk to my fans first and happily I met you. Then heard your story, which made my heart break again and let me forget about my plans. You know, I’m pretty childish. You really landed in hell moved on and I’m crying because a stupid woman left me.

- I moved on because you helped me. I wouldn’t be here with you if I didn’t find your account.-You said, while gently stroking his cheek.

- So… I think we both saved each other.-He whispered, before placing his head on your shoulder.-I bet our destiny made us meet. I will never believe it’s just an accident. Unbelievable how small our world is.

- Oh yeah. Happily we’re both fine. What about having some sleep, huh? Your eyes are red, you should rest.

- Wouldn’t you mind if I spent the night here?-He asked.

- I won’t let you go before making sure you’re absolutely alright. You can spend here as much time as you want. Let me show you your room. Sorry, but I don’t really have any clothes for you to change. I’ve thrown away all that belonged to my ex.-You said and then you’re both heading to the empty guest bedroom upstairs. Was that really happening? Was he really in your house, planning to sleep there? Or maybe that’s just a dream? Maybe you shifted? Your head was full of thoughts. At last it sounds like a fan fiction idea after some time. Who would believe it? No one and you neither. The blond beauty seemed to be overwhelmed by the look of your house. His eyes wandering around the place like he never saw such an interior (which wasn’t that interesting or impressive to be honest). You let him in and after that you started making the bed for him. Tom’s eyes never leaving you what made you blush and he was pretty proud of that.

- Could you sleep with me?-He asked after some time and you just looked at him surprised by his question.-I’m not used to sleep alone. I need to have somebody by my side. I love cuddles and hugging. It would be great if you don’t mean it. I’m not a bad guy. I don’t want to hurt you. I would never do that.-His eyes now focused on your expression, trying to predict your answer.

- Well, of course.-You answered.-Don’t you want to eat something before-

- No. Thank you, darling. Go and eat if you want. I really am done with everything today.

- I’m not hungry too. Just let me change into something comfier.

- Come back soon. Not gonna sleep before hugging you so tightly that you won’t be able to breath.-He laughed.

- I could say you’re feeling better now, aren’t you?-You asked, before leaving his bedroom and Tom blushed. HE BLUSHED. Such a sight for sore eyes.

- You made me feel better, angel.-He said and bitten his lower lip. That was hot.

- Well, I’m glad then. I’ll be back in a few minutes.-You chuckled, then left and whispered under your nose.-It’s a dream, isn’t it?

Happily it wasn’t. He really was waiting for you in the bedroom. Waiting to hug you and fall asleep. That seemed more impossible and unrealistic with every passing minute.

***

- Mooorning.-He whispered, seeing that you’re waking up slowly. His arms quickly found their place around you, as you shyly tugged his hair behind his ear. Tom’s smile was just charming. So big, yet so delicate.

- Hello. How are you?

- Wonderful. Can you believe it?-He giggled.

- That’s good. How’s your night?-You asked and he put his head on your pillow, slightly bumping your nose with his.

- Comfty and warm. Best one so far.

- I’m glad then. So maybe I’ll go now and prepare a breakfast? Any wishes?-You half-whispered.

- I will eat anything.-He said and then you both stood up and stretched a little. The next thing you did was leaving the bedroom and heading to the kitchen where you started preparing pancakes. You could feel Tom’s perfumes on your nightgown (what a smell it was!).

- You know, I was almost dead yesterday and now I could do anything.-You heard. Tom’s leaning against the doorframe with hands crossed over his chest. Hair messy and this characteristic smirk you loved for years.-Thank you, Y/NN. You gave me hope and… what you said during my live means a lot for me, really. People usually say that they love me. Nobody’s ever asked if I’m fine. I don’t know what made me click on your profile but if it wasn’t you, I’d be lying dead on my sofa.-He said.

- Don’t even say it, please.

- You’re a real guardian angel. Appeared in a perfect moment and changed my mind completely. I thought nothing could make me.

- You see, I’m just charming, aren’t I?-You giggled and set plates with pancakes on the table. Tom sat on one of chairs and started eating immediately. He then poured some tea into your and his cup. He really seemed to love your cooking.

- You’re the first person who knows about the rape.-You said, while taking a small sip of the hot liquid.-Even my friends didn’t know. They’re pretty… strange. They’d say it’s me and my outfits that made him rape me.

- Cool friends, I guess. Very caring. But you’ve got me now. You can tell me everything.-He babbled before grabbing your hand and giving it a kiss.-About nice, interesting or strange stuff. Even about your fan fictions.-He laughed.

- There are things that are just as strange as I am and also forbidden like my fanfics. I’ll never show you them.-You said and… what? Oh, come on, girl! You just told him you’re really writing fanfics! His smirk was the last thing you needed after that.

- Well, well, well. I knew that! I’ll find the way to make you let me see them. I’ll be such a git that you’ll want me to read them, I swear.-He giggled.

- Oh shut up, Felton.

- Make me, darling.-He smirked and then bitten his lower lip. You rolled your eyes and he was just mesmerised by your blushes. You spent the whole day talking, laughing and sharing small secrets, which made you closer to each other with every passing minute. You could say you knew him for years. He filled your life, gave you happiness and … your small talks ended up with a passionate making out. Fan-idol relationship after knowing each other for a few hours? Seems unbelievable but it’s real.

#tom felton imagine #tom felton #thomas andrew felton #feltonfanartfriday #draco malfoy #dracotok #slytherin #harry potter #potterhead #potterholic

[my-emotional-self]

Toxic Love Chapter 6

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Reader, Bucky Barnes x Reader, Steve Rogers x Reader x Bucky Barnes

Summary: Finding out your soulmates were Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes was one thing.  But when someone from your past comes back to haunt you, you have to figure out if a relationship with two super soldiers is something you really want to pursue or if you’d rather go back to your comfortable single life.

Series Warnings:  18+, Swearing, Angst, Fluff, past mentions of rape, self-harm, attempted rape, domestic violence, stalking, death threats, possible Dark!Steve?, Steve will be an asshole a LOT in this series but I don’t know how dark it will get, explicit sexual content, mental health issues, kind of A/B/O dynamics but not really (no they are not actual wolves, more like the hierarchy), mentions of suicide, flashbacks of suicide, nightmares

A/N: There will be no taglist for this story!  I apologize in advance!

After Steve and Bucky helped you get everything unpacked, the three of you enjoyed some take-out. Pizza to be exact.  Well, the same pizza you had earlier with them.  You had been craving it for the last two weeks and your stomach was very happy.  

“Did you make your grocery list yet?” Bucky asked as he took care of the cleaning up.  

You couldn’t help but laugh. As you were unpacking the few items you had for your personal kitchen, you began playing with the screen on the refrigerator.  You couldn’t believe the high tech gadget and while it took you nearly an hour, you finally figured out how to add groceries to the list.  

“I did.  I’m surprised I was able to figure it out, it only took me about an hour,” you responded.

This made Bucky full out laugh.  “An hour? That’s actually impressive.  It took Steve here almost a month to figure it out before he finally gave up and asked for help.”

Trying to hide your smirk, you turned to look at Steve.  He had a scowl on his face as he was looking at Bucky.  “Let’s not forget I was frozen for 70 years.  I’m still trying to learn all this damn technology.”

Leaning over you pressed a kiss to Steve’s temple.  “Don’t worry about it Steve.  Other than my gaming setup, I’m not too big on technology either.”

~~~

“Dad, I’m home!” you called out to your father as you shut the front door to the run down farmhouse.  It was just the two of you now ever since your mother’s death one year ago today.  You didn’t want to go to school, you wanted to stay home.  Stay in bed.  But your father said it would be best to try and continue on like it was any other normal day.  It would never be a normal day.  Ever again.

As you turned the corner and into the living room, you saw him. Your father.  Dead.  Hanging from the wooden ceiling beam with a noose around his neck.  “Dad?” you choked out, not believing that this was happening again.  “No. No, no, no, no, NO!” you screamed as you ran to him.  Upon touching his leg you knew it was too late.  Way too late.  He was so cold to the touch.  It had been hours since he committed suicide and you weren’t here for him.  

“Why dad!  WHY DID YOU DO THIS!  DON’T LEAVE ME PLEASE!  DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE!!” you cried and begged but it was no use.  He too was now gone.  

~~~

You jolted awake by the feeling of hands on you.  Your breathing was ragged and you were dripping in sweat.  Both Steve and Bucky on either side of you; their eyes filled with worry.

“Are you alright?” Steve questioned.  

“How..did you…get in…here,” you replied as you tried to catch your breath.  These kinds of nightmares always made you feel like you had just ran a marathon.  

“F.R.I.D.A.Y alerted us that your heart rate was going through the roof.  You scared us half to death with your screaming doll,” Bucky spoke quietly in the dark room.  “You feel warm,” he said as he placed the back of his flesh hand over your forehead.

Shrugging him away as nicely as possible, you got out of bed.  “I’m fine.  I’m just going to take a cool shower.  Thanks for coming to check on me though.”

Inside the confines of your bathroom you opened the medicine cabinet and took out a couple of bottles. Filling up a glass of cold water, you placed the pills in your mouth and downed the entire glass.  

It had been months since you last had a nightmare.  To be honest, you thought they were finally done with, until you realized the todays date. Of course.  It was the anniversary of your parents’ death.  How could you have forgotten?  Oh right.  You had met your soulmates and spent the entire day moving into your new place.  Now you felt guilty for even forgetting in the first place.  

As you stripped of your sweat soaked clothing, you hopped into the shower.  The water mixed with your tears as you quietly sobbed and asked your parents for forgiveness.  

~~~

When you got out of the shower, Steve and Bucky were no longer in your room.  Instead, you found a little note on your pillow.  

We didn’t know if we should give you space or wait for you so we will let you make that decision.  Let us know if you need us to come back tonight.  Try and get some sleep sweetheart.  

Steve and Bucky

Even though the note was sweet and thoughtful, you knew instantly that you would not be getting any more sleep tonight.  

By eight in the morning you were still awake and scrolling through social media when a text from Bucky came in.  

Bucky: Breakfast in the communal kitchen?  Everyone would like to meet you.

Oh god.  You were dreading this part.  You had already met Natasha, but to meet everyone else all at once? Anxiety began to creep over you. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to meet them, it was that you had anxiety about meeting people for the first time.

Y/N: Just give me a few minutes and I’ll be ready

Jumping out of bed you headed for the closet to try and figure out what to wear.  Was this casual?  Or was everyone going to be wearing their pajamas?  Did you want to dress to impress them?  Or did you want to be yourself?  You went with the latter, figuring if you were going to all be living under the same roof, they might as well get to know the real you.  

You put on a pair of black skinny ripped jeans and a plain forest green t-shirt.  Slipping your feet into your comfortable black flats, you were about to head out the door when you took a look at yourself in mirror.  Steve would blow a fuse at the dark circles under your eyes.  So you quickly placed some concealer under your eyes.  

Steve and Bucky were waiting for you in the kitchen and the three of you headed down to the communal living area.  They didn’t ask you about your nightmare and you were grateful for that.  

The elevator doors opened and for once, your stomach growled at the smell of breakfast in the morning. You loved breakfast food, but you weren’t big on eating in the morning.  Now breakfast for dinner, that was something you could eat every night.

Steve cleared his throat and everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at the three of you. Instantly you felt your face heat up.

“Everyone, this is our soulmate Y/N,” Steve spoke loud and clear.  He began pointing everyone out for you.  “That’s Tony, Pepper and Bruce.  You know Natasha of course and right there is Clint and Darcy.  Thor and Jane are still on Asgard but you’ll meet them another time.”

You awkwardly waved.  “Hey everybody.”

Tony was the first to come up to you and he shook your hand.  “Tony I can’t thank you enough for my rooms here.  They are perfect.”

He waved his hand like it was no big deal.  “Please. My gift to you.  And that is why I pay my interior designer the big bucks. She knows what she’s doing.  Now, if you need anything, anything at all, just ask F.R.I.D.A.Y and I’ll make it happen.  Happy to have you here kiddo.  Maybe you can keep those two out of trouble huh?”

“I’ll try,” you chuckled.

Just then Bruce came up and the two of you exchanged quiet ‘hellos’ before he and Tony were off to their lab, food and coffee in hand.  

“Hey, now that you’re here, maybe Cap will stop being such a grouch all the time now that he’ll get laid,” Clint blurted out and as quickly as the words left his mouth, Natasha smacked him upside the head.  “What? It’s the truth.  No offense Steve but you have been a real crab ass the last few months.”

“Shut up Clint!” Darcy spoke as she shoved him out of the way.  “Hi there.  I’m Darcy. Darcy Lewis.  Just ignore him.  He doesn’t think before he speaks.”

In that moment, you knew you were going to be good friends with Darcy.  “Nice to meet you Darcy.”

“Now I hear that you game, is that correct?” she began to say as the two of you piled food onto your plates and sat down.  

The morning didn’t go as bad as you thought.  The only downside was that it now seemed Steve was in a bad mood because of Clint’s big mouth. At least you were getting to know Darcy and Pepper and they both were really nice.  

Darcy asked you a lot of questions about your job and gaming.  She had even asked if she could sit in on a night that you worked so she could watch everything.  Of course you said she could.  Hell, it would be fun to have Darcy there.  

You were starting to get tired after not getting much sleep so you excused yourself and went back to your room.  Tonight would be the first night that you will be working at the tower and you wanted to try and get some rest.  You had a feeling it was going to be a long night.  

“Is everything alright sweetheart?” Steve’s voice startled you just as you were about to open your door.

“Jesus Steve, don’t sneak up on me like that,” you replied with a hand on your heart.  

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to.  I just wanted to make sure you were feeling alright.  Especially after last night is all.”

Dropping your hand from your chest, you gave him a tight smile and put your arms around his narrow waist, pulling him in for a hug.  “I’m ok Steve.  Just a little tired is all.”

He placed his chin on your head and held you in his arms.  You felt safe against him.  Like nothing or no one could ever hurt you.  You were starting to realize that maybe single life wasn’t what you truly wanted. Single life was just something that you had become accustomed to over the last year.  Maybe being in a relationship again would be better for you.

#steve rogers #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers fanfic #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #steve rogers smut #bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes smut #dark!steve rogers #dark! steve rogers