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risuola · 27 days

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ENTRY #1 ♡ F. READER X GOJO SATORU

My crystal tears and my heart’s beat, And all the pieces of my soul’s depths, I lay my dreams upon your feet, Please be careful taking your steps.

cw: angst-ish, arranged marriage!au, slight age gap (reader's around 22, Satoru is 28), loveless marriage, brief mentions of blood and toxicity — 1,9k words

a/n: starting a new series while two other are hanging in the air and hundreds of wips are waiting for being written? yeah, that's me, but hey, I needed to start something new to get my creative juices flowin'. this one's gonna be a series of entries, a diary if you will.

series masterlist

When you were younger, a girl innocent and little, blissfully unaware of the world around you, you wished to marry a prince. Influenced by tales told by your mother and tv shows you watched with big and curious eyes, you had a vision of the ceremony straight out of a dream. A magical display of love and the path of rose petals and feathers through which you were meant to stride in a dress made of satin and lace – white and elegant. You also saw him, the man that your heart would choose and desire. A prince handsome and kind, who would love and protect you even if by doing so, his life would be on the line. You were too little to be aware of the naivety of the dreamy pictures in your head.

Sometimes you wished to turn back time and once again step into the shoes of the innocent you who never got to know sadness and fear. Sometimes you think of it with a bittersweet smile, reminiscing the way you used to go about your days without care about the world around. With mild regret you reminiscence the moment you learned that everything around you was–

“I’m talking to you. God damn it, are you deaf?”

“I heard you.”

–a lie.

You were a late bloomer but besides the judgmental looks you were receiving left and right from the elders of your clan, you also owe it the beauty of your prolonged childhood. Few years of freedom that you lost the memory of how it tasted and yet, you like to go back to it and drown in the pictures it left in your mind. Whilst all of your siblings were training and learning, fighting and risking their lives against the cursed spirits, you brought shame to your family. There was no place for someone without a cursed technique in a world of sorcery and you were made painfully aware of it at the day of your tenth birthday. That was also the end of your childhood and the day you wish to forget. You remember how the smiles of your parents turned into frowns and the soft, melodic tone of your mother became harsh and never got back to how it used to be. The tales and cookies vanished and what was left was nothing but suffering and degradation.

“Oh, did you?”

It took you six years of training to awaken the technique that later on was called the most powerful in the history of your clan. Six years of days and nights filled with sweat and tears, six years of bloody knuckles and bruises but also, it took six years of your determination to prove all of them wrong. Despite being the youngest of four siblings, you were able to stand against the worst of curses with nothing but a sword and raw power when everyone else relied heavily on the cursed techniques. You were strong and skilled, you were trained and fearless but still, you were looked down. A shame. To your family you were nothing but a shame.

And then, suddenly, you became a pride. You were on everyone’s mouths; you were talked about as if you were the most expensive and rare diamond. Years of harsh treatment you received suddenly became forgotten because once your technique awakened, you became the strongest in your clan, surpassing your siblings, your parents and everyone else who bore the same name as you. Suddenly other clans were talking about you too, with curiosity and fear. Suddenly, you became someone. But somehow, it didn’t make you happy. Once you realized that the world you were born into wasn’t a tale you always thought it is, you lost the ability to enjoy it. Maybe the pain of what you had given to become a true sorcerer rendered you unable to fully appreciate the adulthood, but you found it hard to see the light, when the darkness seemed to embed itself into your soul.

“You know what? Fuck that. I’m leaving.”

Ah yes, the marriage. With years that had passed since you were young and naïve, you stripped yourself of the dreams of sharing a life with a prince, but a part of you still hoped for love and calm. A part of your heart wished to settle with someone you’ll trust and care for. Someone who will ground you in the world of constant danger and for years you thought that you will find a man with whom the stressful life of sorcery will be a little kinder, a little less scary, a little more bearable. It was a child in you, a faint spark of juvenile carelessness that never died down, even in the darkest of days you endured.

You let out a deep sigh and allowed your lids to close. Your head leaned forward, forehead restless against the cold doors of the kitchen cabinet. The loud thud of doors snapping shut echoed in your ears for few moments and then it became silent. An earie cacophony of nothing but your own breath and soft ticking of the clock on the wall next to you. For a moment you thought about how many times you relived this very same situation already. The cold detachment, harsh exchange of words and then he’s gone. A salve of ruthless stabs that never seem to hurt less and the sound of your own voice forming sentences you wouldn’t think of if the circumstances were different.

First time you saw Satoru Gojo was many years before you truly knew who he is. It was a picture that you noticed by accident, somewhere in the papers your parents had spread out on the coffee table. He was a young boy back then. You remember the impression he made on you. He looked cold, intimidating, unapproachable. He looked like someone you’d never think of becoming friends with. You were young, just barely nine years old and he was already fifteen. He was already the strongest and even though you weren’t actively involved in the world of sorcery, you knew his name.

And then, many years later you sat in front of him. While the elders of your clans discussed the importance of the arrangement that was planned within the sorcerer’s society, Satoru was resting on a couch unamused, with his legs crossed and eyes covered by a layer of white bandages. You watched him, analyzed his lack of interest and the veil of cold arrogance with realization that everything you wished for was never on the table for you. During the two long hours of conversations that were about you and yet no one asked for your opinion, you and Satoru didn’t exchange one word.

You heard his voice actively directed at you for the first time during the wedding ceremony. It was small, very private and filled with people that you mostly didn’t know. It was far from perfect, though pretty in a way. Under the cautious watch of the most important figures of sorcery, you said the vows that made you feel nothing and yet meant so much. The words of promise, that for anyone else meant love and safe future, to you meant status and the name. You became Gojo. You became a wife to the strongest man in the world.

Now it’s seven months after the wedding and the day you and him moved together. The apartment you shared was filled with both yours and his belongings and yet it didn’t feel like home. It lacked the atmosphere of love and understanding and on days like this, you were losing hope it will ever feel different than miserable.

That day was nothing out of ordinary when it came to your marriage. Yet another fight, yet another beeline he made to leave you alone in the empty house. You always argue. There was no warmth between the walls of the apartment, there was no care and respect. Instead, there were snaps and insults, there was silence and avoidance. The large bed in what was meant to be a shared bedroom was occupied only by you, while Satoru preferred to sleep on a couch even though his tall frame was way too big for it. Besides one very brief and formal kiss you shared during the wedding day, you never kissed again. There was no holding hands, no incidental touches, no nothing that would convey any sort of feeling and only times your bodies made contact was when he grabbed your wrists in anger or when your shoulder hit his arm while you were passing by.

Truth is, you had no idea what Satoru was talking about that morning before he left. You were lost in thoughts, but you could only imagine he was mentioning the meeting he needed to attempt in the evening. He probably won’t be home until late and once he’ll come back, he’ll be annoyed by elders and for that, you couldn’t blame him. Whenever you face the elders of jujutsu community, your blood pressure raises as well and you’re quite calm by nature. That being said, if unlucky, you’ll be the one to take the hit of his anger.

Your fingers run across the golden band that adorned your finger. It was an absentminded motion that became a habit of sorts, helping you gather the thoughts, calming your mind. The cold feel of metal allowed you to let go of the stress and forced you to suck it up yet again.

Two hours after the morning fight, you found yourself surrounded by the familiar buildings in the Jujutsu tech area, watching your husband from afar. Satoru was in the middle of teaching students, if whatever the hell he was doing could be called teaching. Megumi was resting next to him as some other kids were fighting on the training field. The sound of wooden swords colliding echoed between the woods that surrounded the expanse of the school zones. Gojo was looking as careless as ever, calm and smiling – a sight that you almost never see unless he’s facing someone else. He was chatting with his almost-son, shouting some advice to the sparing students and going about his day as he usually does, but one thing was different.

“Satoru,” you called his name as you went down the stairs to reach the spot where he was standing. He noticed you, you knew that. He most likely knew about your appearance way before you even got to see him, but now he chose to actively ignore your presence as his light blue eyes stayed focused on the field instead of landing on you.

“What brings you here?” He asked and you could tell how the tone of his voice changed from the friendly sensei to your husband’s rough approach. He wasn’t happy with your visit; you weren’t welcome near him and everyone knew that. The fact of your marriage being arranged wasn’t a secret and it also wasn’t a secret that it was Gojo’s clan decision, not his own. Satoru felt some sort of humiliation that despite him being the strongest, he was stripped of a choice who to spend his life with and you, as his wife, were paying for his resentment.

“I brought you this,” you replied, reaching your hand towards him. His eyes landed on your palm and you noticed a ghost of relief that washed over his features when he took the band of black fabric from your hold. His blindfold, that you realized was ripped – he left at home in the morning. That was most likely what he was talking to you about because once you cleaned up after the breakfast, you noticed the band and his broken glasses left on the coffee table.

“So you were listening,” Satoru said quietly and securely covered his eyes.

“I wasn’t.”

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p4nishers · 1 month

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rocking back and forth. i love you. i know. abed played han another time and he kissed annie (as leia) as a romantic gesture. troy doesn't remember telling abed he loves him. annie wanted his brother to move in bc troy was like a brother to her and abed wanted his girlfriend to move in bc. well. i love you. i know. im seeing real lava because you're leaving, it's embarrassing. you may notice side affects, like a compulsion to come back. cool. cool cool cool. that's a lie. i love you. i know. we can't stop, this is the last thing we're ever gonna do together. knowing that doesn't feel like enough anymore. i know you hate when people do this in the movies. i love you. i know. no one gets abed, but i got him a little. the darkest timeline is the one where troy left. i miss abed so much. you weren't supposed to think those things about me. happy valentine's day. it is now. still best friends? yeah, still best friends. i missed you so much, buddy. you know i'd do anything you did. abed, think of something safe. i love you. i know. i don't think the lava's here because you're leaving, i think it's here because i won't let go. we can never stop being friends. you were out there somewhere and you weren't looking for me? just checking on abed. making sure he's okay. just, you know, make sure he stays comfortable. i worry for him when i'm not around. maybe all relationships are made up of logical inspectors and emotional constables and we need both to make space and time a better place. yeah, troy will find me. what if abed wants to replace me? it makes me so angry and sad all at the same time. you know for the first time in my long history of being locked inside things, i knew someone would come. i haven't exactly been a whirlwind of entertainment since troy left. it has to be ok for it to get on a boat with levar burton and never come back. because eventually, it all will. i love you. i KNOW.

#tearing out my hair in chunks #troy barnes #abed nadir #trobed

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carakook · 2 months

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Bloom. °˖✧✿✧˖°

"You didn't seem to think so ten minutes ago when I was fucking your pretty little brains out, or any of the other times for that matter. What's with the change of heart? You suddenly feel guilty?"

→ Chapters list ←

⚘Intro

⚘1. Wilt.

🔞For Mature Audiences Only🔞

╔══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══╗

⚘Pairings: Jeon Jungkook x fem!reader

⚘Synopsis: Y/N realizes tonight that she can no longer handle the guilt. She wants things with Jungkook that seem impossible given their situation. As much as it hurts, this will be the last time she sleeps with Jungkook… that’s what she thinks, anyway.

⚘Genre:Forbidden love

⚘Word count: 5K+

⚘Warnings: 18+ for mature audiences only, MDNI, rough sex, mentions of hate sex (but not actual hate sex), emotional, mentions of cheating, arguing (sort of), sad Jungkook (def needs a warning no one wants JK sad), ass slapping, hair pulling, jealousy, breakup (sort of?), let me know if I missed anything.

⚘Disclaimer: This story in no way reflects the characters of those who are mentioned. It is pure fiction and for entertainment purposes only. Please don’t take it seriously. Nothing is real in this story.

⚘A/N:Chapter one is out! Starts off a bit emotional right off the bat lol but I hope you enjoy it. Can’t wait to release more chapters! Thank you for reading. 🥰

╚══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══╝

↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺ ᴺᴼᵂ ᴾᴸᴬᵞᴵᴺᴳ :

♪ Stuck with Me - The Neighborhood

♪ Eyes Don’t Lie - Isabel LaRosa

♪ Run - Joji

✧━。゜✿ฺ✿ฺ゜。━✧

Bliss.

That's what you feel when you're with him. For example, right now. Pure bliss.

The bliss is enough to make you forget about the guilt. The shame. The absolute sin that you're both committing.

He grunts out as he stalls his movements, "Fuck, baby, I need you to be still, I wanna take my time. Gonna cum too fast if you keep doing that."

This pleases you, so you slowly push yourself into him. He has you laying on your stomach with your ass perched up, face smooshed into his pillow, his favorite position. He loves the view. He loves your ass. He loves your body and how, in moments like this, it's his and only his.

As you push into him, you wiggle a little bit, regardless of how much your legs shake from the sensation. He's deep. So deep. Deeper than any other guy has ever been able to get.

He throws his head back, eyes rolling back with it, and he grunts almost as if he's in pain as his entire body tenses. He's close. You can feel him twitching. You can't help but let out a little laugh, pleased with yourself.

Oh, but he doesn't like that very much.

He grabs the back of your neck forcefully, leaning himself onto you, and pressing his back firmly against your own. He tilts your head so that his lips are touching your ear, and he grunts again as he buries himself even deeper into you, which seems impossible.

"If you wanted me to fuck you like I hate you, you could've just asked."

Without even giving you a moment to respond, he pushes your face into the pillow, muffling any noise that you make. He slams into you forcefully, so hard that the headboard of his bed slams into the wall. He keeps his hand on your head, ensuring that you don't move. He doesn't relent, as he slams himself into you at such a fast pace, that your entire body is vibrating. He's never fucked you like this before. And you love it.

You couldn't make a sound even if you wanted to, you're left speechless.

It doesn't take him long to come undone, and you don't mind, because he already made you cum three times. You're sure that you've been going at it for nearly two hours now, a mixture of heated kissing, grinding, and teasing. He fingered you and gave you head, and you had already came once around his cock, so you think that he's earned it.

He empties inside of you, painting your walls white as hot ropes of cum shoot into you. The feeling is unlike any other. Even if he isn't yours, it feels like he is at this very moment. And you're his too. You always have been.

The twitching dies down, and he lays himself on top of you gently, making sure to pepper the back of your neck with soft kisses.

He lays there for a moment, catching his breath, as you do the same. Despite being sober, a drunken smile crosses his face, his dimples on show. One of the things you love most about him.

You, on the other hand, come down from your high fairly quickly. The moment he disconnects himself from you is when reality hits you every time.

The guilt surfaces.

You've never not felt guilty about what you're both doing.

Recently, however, it's been prominent. Too prominent. At first, you were easily able to shoo the guilt away. It all started so easily, and things just happened, before you even knew what situation you were putting yourself in.

Once you found out that he was married, it ate you alive, but it never stopped you. Because you're selfish and shameless. You love him. And sometimes, love is a hell of a drug, causing you to do stupid things.

You grew to love him a bit too quickly, at first it was just fun, but all it took was a bouquet of roses and his concerned face the day after he went a bit too rough on you in the bedroom, for you to fall in love with him.

You didn't mind him being rough. It was the first time a man had ever handled you in such a way, and you fucking loved it.

But Jungkook is an overthinker.

After you were done that night, he saw the tears staining your face. You assured him they weren't sad tears, you couldn't even control them, you had just experienced such sensations that overwhelmed your brain and your body, crying and cumming seemed to have been the release of those sensations.

He showed up with those roses and puppy dog eyes, totally out of the blue, he hadn't even texted you before arriving. He was so concerned. He himself looked as if he might cry, and you couldn't help but think it was too cute.

He hugged you so tightly that you'd think he was afraid you were gonna float away. He apologized profusely and said that he couldn't get your tears out of his head after he left. He felt terrible, no matter how much you reassured him. He even had a nightmare about it.

It took an entire hour of him sitting on your couch to convince him that you were, in fact, ok, and had never felt better. Although embarrassing to admit, you explained to him that you've never felt more pleasure out of anything. And you want him to do it again. He finally gave in and accepted your explanation, but still apologized once more.

That night you didn't sleep together. It was the first time you guys had hung out without having sex. You watched movies, ate junk food, and talked about stupid shit all night long.

That's when you realized you loved him. And you were fucked.

You blame it on your fucked up brain. Daddy issues. Abandonment issues. Attachment issues. Girly things.

You shouldn't love this man. You shouldn't even like him. You'd think finding out he was married would have been enough to get you to run the fuck away from him.

But it didn't.

You loved him so desperately that you decided to live with it. Pretended that it was ok. Because when you were with him, it was oh so easy to forget.

The moment that he left though, that's when it ate you alive.

Especially recently.

Your visits used to be sporadic, spontaneous even. No more than once every week, usually two. It was easy to push it away after the first few days of being without him again. Then you started craving him, causing all of the guilt and coherent thought to completely leave, or hide maybe, which would make it easier to give in to your selfish desires.

Recently, though, he's been an animal. Wanting to see you constantly. Several times a week. As if he was addicted.

You didn't complain at first. You were able to replace the guilt with pride, loving the fact that he wanted you that badly. He was willing to make whatever excuses he did to come and see you.

But it has proven to make the guilt worse.

You find yourself awake at night, wondering what excuse he gave his wife, whether or not she's becoming suspicious of his sudden and often absence. If it were you, it'd be clear that something wasn't quite right. Then again, you don't know how good of a liar Jungkook really is or isn't, because you never ask these questions.

This leads your thoughts to a dark place, wondering if she even loves him like you do, does she take care of him like you do, does she kiss him like you do, does she touch him like you do, does he think about you when he's inside of her...

Jealousy plagues you when you have no right to be jealous. He isn't yours. The ring on his finger signifies the fact that he belongs to someone else.

You feel bitter, towards a woman that you don't even know.

You've never seen pictures of her, you've never asked about her, you don't even know her name. You don't know what kind of life she lives. If she's happy. Yet, you still wish nothing more than to be her.

Love. It's fucked up. Especially when you fall in love with someone out of reach.

Since he has made his frequent visits a habit, you've been slowly becoming comfortable with the idea of calling things off. You love him. You do. But you know that he will never be yours, and although he so often proclaims his love for you, you just can't believe him. If he loved you, you wouldn't be his dirty little secret.

Dirty. That's how you feel.

So, you made a vow to yourself before coming to his second apartment (the one that's so kindly reserved for your secret encounters), that it'll be the last time.

Comforting, in a way, that you'll be able to leave the guilt of what you're doing behind. Or you hope so anyway.

Yet, the dread that you feel from the fact that this means he'll no longer be in your life, makes you feel almost as if your heart will explode into tiny little pieces and result in your ultimate demise.

Death would be easier.

He has no idea about the thoughts going through your head right now. He's still coming down from his high, looking as if he's never felt happier. He has no idea of the bomb you're about to drop on him, and you're entirely terrified of what his reaction may be. Will he care? Will he freak out? Will he fight for you?

As if he can read your thoughts, he looks at you with concerned eyes, moving your hair out of your face as he moves to lay next to you, instead of on top of you.

"Was I too rough?"

You smile sadly at him, "No. No such thing."

He smiles so innocently at you as if he didn't just almost break the bed fucking you into oblivion.

His smile quickly fades as he sees the frown on your face that you so desperately tried to contain.

"Baby, what's wrong? Talk to me."

You glance at him, biting your lip nervously, trying to figure out how to bring this up. How to end it.

Yet, you can't help yourself. There are so many questions in your head, questions that you have no business to ask. But still, you're curious, and you blurt out before even giving it a second thought, "What have you been telling her? Since we've been seeing each other so often."

This catches him off guard, the hand that was cradling your face so tenderly as you let yourself get lost in your head, suddenly tenses. He slowly pulls it away and turns his body so that he's lying on his back, now staring at the ceiling. Avoiding looking at you.

His guard is up.

"Told her I have some projects at work that require extra attention. Why?"

He still doesn't look at you. Your heart crumbles.

"Don't you feel... guilty?"

He sighs and closes his eyes, purses his lips, and lets out a deep breathe that sounds labored. He props himself up on his elbow and looks down at you, his gaze remains loving, but guarded.

"What's with the questions?"

You blink at him, now you're the one who's caught off guard by his cold response. He feels guilty. Behind that tiny spec of love in his eyes, is nothing but guilt. And now worry.

He thinks you're gonna tell her.

You quickly shut down those thoughts, "Stop overthinking Kook. I'm not gonna say anything. This is a secret for me too, you know. I'd never wanna out myself as someone's fucking mistress."

You can't hide your irritation at his distrust. You don't blame him, but also, you aren't the only one in the wrong here. It takes two to commit this type of sin. He isn't innocent. And you hate knowing that all you'll ever be is his secret. A secret that he'll never cherish enough to tell or share with someone.

He furrows his brows, suddenly looking angry, "Mistress? What the fuck?"

You glance at him and scoff, "That's what I am, right? I'm your mistress. Side piece. Sneaky link. Take your pick, Jeon."

That pisses him off even further. He hates it when you refer to him as Jeon. As if you're his business partner. It feels cold. It feels wrong. He's always been Kook, Kookie, and sometimes even Koo when you can't fully get his name out while he's railing you. Jeon is reserved for impersonal encounters. Or frustration, in this situation.

He looks at you as if you've slapped him in the face, becoming animated in his frustration as he speaks, his eyebrows scrunch up as he speaks, and he sounds a bit whiny, "You aren't my mistress, don't ever call yourself that again. I love you. Fuck."

This earns him another scoff, more like a laugh, "Ha!" Is the sound that you let out, and he glares at you even further. He's nearly pouting at this point, and it takes all of your self-control not to smoosh his cheeks and kiss his face all over. It pisses you off that he can be so cute when you are feeling like such shit. You channel that anger into the problem at hand.

Your guard is up too. The mention of love will quickly bring the walls up, separating you two from each other.

"Love me? You don't love me."

He shakes his head, almost as if he's certain he heard you incorrectly. His eyes blink rapidly, and he stares at the wall with a pout on his face, thinking to himself, "Surely she didn't just say that?" It takes a few moments of him looking at you like a lost puppy for him to respond.

"Where is this coming from Y/N?"

"Do you love her too?"

You don't want to hear the answer. But you know that you need to.

His tongue darts out of his mouth, licking his bottom lip before he bites it. A clear sign of nervousness. He's overthinking. Considering his words carefully.

He sighs before he responds, tilting his head to one side as if it'll help him understand your sudden cold mood, "Can you explain to me what the sudden change is? I don't understand why you're asking these kinds of questions all of a sudden."

He avoided the question.

Your anger rises.

"Would you leave her for me?"

You make sure to look him directly in his eyes, wanting to relay how absolutely serious you're being. You won't back down. You feel that you selfishly deserve answers after everything. Even if you're guilty.

"Y/N, you know that's not an easy question. I can't just leave my wife. I've built a life with her. Shit isn't easy."

Not a straight answer, but it is a straight punch in the gut.

The hurt disguised as anger reaches the surface, overflowing, leaking into every crack of your being.

Enough.

You hastily get off of the bed, picking up pieces of your clothes to quickly dress yourself. You feel too vulnerable. You want to hide. You need to cover yourself in some way.

"Y/N, what is happening? Talk to me please."

You don't answer. He's looking at you as if he's silently panicking. As if his entire world is about to come crashing down, and he's having to watch. He doesn't know what to do. And he can feel what's coming. What you promised yourself would happen tonight.

"I want to stop this, Jungkook."

He stills. As if he's becoming a statue. One look at him, and you second guess whether or not you're Medusa, and fear that he may soon crumble into dust.

"Why?" He nearly whispers, and his voice cracks, and oh fuck, it takes everything in you to not run over and cradle him as if he's a baby. Your baby.

But he isn't. That's the problem here.

"Because, Kook, I can't live with the guilt. I can't live with being someone's mistress. I want to get married too, at some point. I need to move on and live my life, stay open for whoever is gonna make me theirs one day."

You didn't just punch him in the gut, you took a dagger and dug it into his heart, twisted it around, and left it there. He's hurt. So hurt. He wishes that you were Medusa because then he could crumble into dust instead of having to watch you walk out of his life for good. Instead of having to endure the consequences of his mistake. A mistake that he, himself, would never ever call a mistake. Maybe a tragedy, or a twist of fate, but never a mistake.

But he's like you and disguises it with anger. It's easier that way.

"You fucking serious? What do you not understand about the fact that you're not my mistress? I love you, Y/N."

As you button up your jeans, you notice that he's now standing. He's perched himself against the dresser, staring at you with an intensity that makes you nearly uncomfortable. As if he can see into the depths of your very soul. Something you do not want right now.

"No, Jungkook, you do not love me. If you loved me, things would be different. You're married, for fucks sake, and all of this is so wrong."

Jungkook is a sweetheart. Always has been. Despite his rough hands in the bedroom, never once has he not been gentle with you, even when you're snarky with him. But one thing about him is that he's petty. He can be immature when he's provoked. When he feels hurt or rejected. Like a big man-child, he acts out.

"You didn't seem to think so ten minutes ago when I was fucking your pretty little brains out, or any of the other times for that matter. What's with the change of heart? You suddenly feel guilty?"

You snap.

"I've always fucking felt guilty Jungkook! Always! It eats me alive. I can't continue doing this knowing that you're not only married but will never love me the same way that I love you. It's going to ruin me. I need to get on with my life."

He's closer now, as you button up your blouse. You ignore him. You can't bear to look at him. You want to get this over with.

"Y/N, please look at me."

He says it almost as if it's a plea for forgiveness. As if he's begging. So soft that he's nearly whispering. He regrets his outburst, not even a minute after it happened. He's too sweet. He has too big of a heart. A heart that is not yours.

But you don't look at him. You can't. You can't risk the fact that one look at him may just change your mind.

"Look. At. Me."

No longer a beg, now a demand. But you still don't look at him. He probably assumes you're being stubborn, but in reality, you're fucking scared to look at him right now. He makes you so damn weak.

You start to bend down to grab your shoes, but he grabs your arm, forcing you to face him. His touch is firm, urging you to comply, but still gentle. And when you still don't look at him, he grabs your chin in the same way, firm yet gentle, forcing you to look at him.

Don't back down.

"I love you."

But then you see it. As you look into his eyes, it mirrors your own. He loves you just as much as you love him. Eyes don’t lie. It's clear as day. Yet, all logic in your brain tells you that he's lying. How can he possibly love you when this is your relationship? Regardless of the time you spend together after the sex, you wonder if he'd even come around if sex wasn't involved.

So you push him away.

You yank your chin out of his grasp. And you spit out, "You have no idea what love is. You fuck someone else behind your wife's back. That's not love. Not for either of us. You're selfish."

You've once again hurt him. You continue taking that dagger that you left in his heart, stabbing it over and over again. Yet, no matter how many times you defile his heart, it is still beating for you.

He didn't expect this sort of reaction out of you. He didn't know what to expect, actually. He hoped that his words, and the sincerity in his gaze, would convince you. Even if you did leave. He didn't want you to leave thinking that you were no more than a good fuck to him. Because even if you don't know, you're so much more, and he has no idea how to explain it.

What you said really hurt him. He, himself, doesn't quite understand why he's put himself in this situation. He does love his wife. Or he thought that he did. Ever since you came along, he isn't so sure.

Jungkook has never cheated on anyone, even in his younger and more irresponsible days. Loyalty was always important to him. He'd rather break his partner's heart by leaving them than break their heart by cheating and making them feel as if they're not enough. Although that's exactly what he's doing with you.

He's a great liar. Something that you've always wondered about. So great that his wife is none the wiser… or maybe she just doesn’t care enough to notice.

Ever since he met you, something blossomed inside of him. It's as if there was a seed planted in his heart, all of the women that he had ever been with nurtured it and tried to get it to grow. Some did the opposite, causing it to get buried deeper inside of him and stay stagnant. But, as soon as you came along, it sprouted. A tiny leaf. A new feeling. Slowly, as you spent time together, regardless of how impure what you did was, this leaf bloomed into a beautiful flower. The petals are decorated in the various shades of you. Claiming his heart in a way that you aren't even aware of.

Not even his wife could do that.

And he's married to her. He has been for two years now. He's been in a relationship with her for four. They met freshman year of college, and the rest was history. He assumed that would be the end of it. His happily ever after.

But, he never bloomed. He didn't even know that he could bloom. Didn't know that he needed to bloom. He just thought his wife was it for him.

Until he met you.

He doesn't want to let you go, but he doesn't exactly know how to keep you either. There are options, there are always options. But none are viable. None give him a clear conscience, and regardless of how eagerly you asked him earlier, he knows that if he did leave his wife for you, you would feel guilty the entirety of your relationship. There is no good ending for you two. Every single option ends in you two living with guilt for the rest of your lives. Which ultimately would end in the downfall of you both. Chaos. Disaster. Two worlds colliding that shouldn't have to begin with. The end of the fucking world.

He doesn't want that, no matter how tempting the thought of leaving his wife is. No matter how tempting being with you forever sounds. No matter how tempting the idea of being the one to marry you one day sounds. He doesn't want you to have to live with the guilt of his own selfish decisions. He just wants you to bloom.

His wife isn't perfect. In fact, she's kind of a bitch. But he's always been able to handle her. She grew up rich, privileged, and a bit stuck up. Jungkook had an average childhood and was a bit of a delinquent in his teenage years. She clung on to the bad boy in him. Yet, she still treats him as if he's a child.

He was ok with this, didn't mind it at all… until he met you. You cared for him in a way that she never did. Regardless of this little secret being built upon a foundation of lust and infidelity, you treated him as if he were your husband instead. You cooked for him, you took care of him whenever he was drunk or hungover, you checked on him if you felt something was wrong, and you did so many little things to show him how much you cared.

He remembered the time when he was so stressed at work that he gained a few pimples. He never got pimples. Regardless of how beautiful he is, he’s still human. He gets insecure. You hated that he didn't feel beautiful.

So, you invited him over that morning before he went to work. It was unlike you. You usually save your unholy acts for the dark. So he expected that you just missed his touch.

However, when he arrived early that morning, you did no such thing. You greeted him with a big breakfast composed of pancakes, eggs, bacon, and strawberry syrup that you homemade. Something that his wife never did. She never cooked, always ordered takeout, or nagged him to cook.

After the breakfast, which was filled with innocent conversation and banter, you took him to your bathroom. You knew that his pimples were bothering him. He texted you a selfie of it the night before, followed by "I look like a fucking teenage boy :(" Something so human, so natural, caused him to doubt himself in so many ways. He held himself to such a high standard that something as simple as an inevitable stress-induced pimple made him feel less than worthy.

So, after he became stubborn and told you that he didn't want you to touch or look at them, you reassured him to trust you. And he did. So easily. You decorated his pimples with tiny little star patches, patches that you reserved for yourself and your really bad days because they were expensive as fuck on your tight budget, but he was more than worth it. He was hesitant, as he saw what you were doing. But then he looked in the mirror, and he didn't even see the pimples, he didn't even care about the girly and childish stars covering his chin and temple. He saw you, and the way you lit up as you saw him.

Inevitably, the morning ended with you two having a quickie. But it wasn't lust-filled as usual. It was something more. Something sweet.

He arrived at work no longer feeling insecure. He kept the stars on his face, regardless of how goofy they felt, they were a reminder of you. How you saw him, how you wanted to reassure him, how you wanted to protect him. Even from himself.

He had such a good day at work that day. Although, as soon as he got home and his wife saw the stars, she scolded him. Told him that they weren't manly. They made him look ridiculous and childish. Made him take them off. But it didn't matter, because the flower had bloomed fully that day.

He wanted your flower to bloom.

He wanted to make your flower bloom.

But he knew that he couldn't exactly do that when he was married. Unlike you, his flower, the one claimed by you, was surrounded by a fence. A fence composed of his wife.

Maybe a cage is more accurate.

He knew that your flower would never fully bloom as long as that cage was in place.

He knew that he needed to let you go, for your flower to bloom, no matter how much it hurt him.

So, he did. Or he tried to anyway.

He cleared his throat, fighting his tears. There were some truths behind your words, but the one prominent lie is the fact that you think he doesn't love you. He does. But he'll never convince you with the nature of your relationship.

"I... I understand. You're right. We should stop."

Your heart cracked. Your flower wilted.

He didn't deny it. He didn't fight. And a part of you was expecting him to. But you know how selfish and naive that is.

You say nothing. You grab your purse after putting on your shoes. You head for the door and hesitate as you feel his sad eyes boring into the back of your head.

You don't look at him, but you quietly bid your goodbye.

"Goodbye Jungkook. Take care of yourself... love your wife more."

And you walk. Nearly run. Desperate to escape the suffocating smell of his apartment.

He follows you but says nothing. He stops as you reach the front door. But he doesn't stop you.

Quickly, you open his front door and slam it shut, and then you freeze. You don't know why you linger, but you do. Possibly waiting for him to rush out, profess his love to you, and offer to leave his wife so that you can live happily ever after. Hope, that you have no right to hang on to.

Instead, you're greeted with a few seconds of silence. And then a bang. And then a crash. And then a scream. He's losing it. And you know you've lost him. He won't fight. He won't beg you to be his. He's lashing out because he knows that he can't.

So you take a deep breath, and you walk away. Feeling numb. Feeling alone. Feeling empty.

Dirty.

✧━。゜✿ฺ✿ฺ゜。━✧

#bts #jungkook fanfic #jungkook smut #bts smut #bts imagines #bts x you #jungkook angst #jungkook fluff #jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook #jungkook #jungkook fanfiction #smut #18+ only #mature audiences only #mdni

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kil-g · 9 months

Text

surprise

a/n: i got too sad after writing that last thing and needed to do something silly

summary: there's a new member of the household and you have to convince simon to like them.

g!n reader; civvy!reader

word count: 1.6k

warnings: simon being mean to a dog :(

---

“Hey, I’m…uh—I’m on my way home.”

“Oh!” You say.

There’s a certain exasperation to your voice that makes him think that you’re somewhere that isn’t the house. He puts his phone down in the cupholder and places both of his hands on the wheel of the car.

“In an hour.”

“An hour?”

“An hour.”

“Could you fuck off somewhere and maybe make it, like an hour and a half?”

“I’d like to go home.”

“I know, yes. I know. It’s just that I have this whole thing planned and I need an extra thirty minutes. You’d be doing me a pretty big solid if you fucked off for a little bit longer.”

“I’m tired and I’m hungry. I’m not gonna fuck off.”

“What, are we making this a race?”

“You can race. I’m going home.”

“Okay, we’re gonna race.” You say, halfway through laughter.

“What are you doing?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“I don’t like surprises.” He says.

“Well, I love you and I need you to suck it up because it’s a pretty cool surprise.”

Simon blinks, keeping his eyes on the road. Then, he sighs and says, “I’ll see you at home.”

“Not if I see you first!” You reply, this time a little out of breath.

“I’m not racing you.”

“Scared you’re gonna lose?”

“Goodbye.”

“Love you!”

The line dies out.

Part of him wants to be annoyed. Surprises weren’t exactly his favorite thing in the world. He especially did not like such a surprise that would keep him from coming home after a very long month of trying not to die in a violent, fiery explosion. And, he deeply, desperately wanted to lie down in a bed with an actual mattress, real pillows, and clean blankets.

But, for the life of him, he could not think of anything more unbearable than the thought of letting you down.

It was almost laughable. Simon is first and foremost a soldier. And, when you’re a soldier first before anything else, like a friend, companion, romantic partner, let downs were par for the course. A birthday, an anniversary. Celebrating a promotion or any other achievement of the like. Those didn’t even come secondary or even tertiary on the line of things that needed to be cared about.

And, the worst part, is that you tolerated it. Sure, there was a certain disappointment to a missed call or text. Despite that, you loved him with a stability that he couldn’t possibly be more grateful for. It made him feel almost normal. Normalcy was a luxury someone like him couldn’t typically afford.

So, before he pulls his car into the driveway, Simon mentally prepares himself to be open-minded. Whatever the surprise was, he would do his best to actually try and enjoy it. That is until he unlocked the front door to the house and stepped in, only to be greeted with the sight of a dog sitting up, barking at him from within a metal crate.

She was clearly still a pup. Her paws are far too big for the size that she currently was. And, the more clear it is that Simon was no threat to her, the more she cries to be let out. Though, Simon makes no move to do any such thing. Instead, he sits on the couch and looks back at her until eventually, she stops making noise all together and resolves herself to sit quietly. Each time Simon accidentally catches her eye, her tail wags, bumping against the floor of her crate softly.

This goes on for about twenty more minutes before a key turns in the door knob once again. You step through, carrying bags of groceries.

“Sweetheart.”

“Can you help me with these?” You say.

Simon gets up, takes bags out of your hands and walks them into the kitchen. “Why is there a dog in the house?”

You lean down to lift the latch off of the door and the dog comes barreling out. “You couldn’t have opened her crate up for her? Why were you just staring at her like a weirdo? It’s a dog.”

“Why is there a dog in the house?”

“It’s our dog.” From one of the bags you were still holding, you pull out a bag of dog treats and throw it at Simon. “Give her one of these so she knows you’re not a complete hardass.”

“I’m not giving it anything.”

“Simon.”

He looks back at you. And, from the way you stare back at him, it becomes more and more clear that this dog is one of the very very few things that you simply won’t back down on.

In fact, there were toys all over the ground. He’s not sure how he didn’t notice them earlier. And, with an attentiveness that only slightly put him off, the dog fell into step beside you following you very closely while also looking up at you for any sign of praise or reward.

Simon inhales, then exhales. He grumbles under his breath, then rips the bag of treats open and kneels down with one of them in his hand. When the dog notices, she clumsily stumbles her way over to him and gratefully takes the treat from out of his fingers.

You appear at his side and kneel down next to him, pressing a kiss against his cheek. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“Whose dog is this?”

“Ours.”

“I don’t want a dog.”

“You’ll learn to want a dog.” You say, jokingly. Your hands wrap around his arm and shake him gently.

“I’m serious.”

“Well, you aren’t exactly home very often. I think the decision is mine.” You say, firmly. “And, as sad as it is to admit, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t lonely, sometimes.”

He can feel the weight of your head on his shoulder. He doubts that your intent is to guilt him–but if it is, it’s certainly working.

The dog nudges her wet nose into the palm of his hand. No doubt looking for more treats Her head is smaller than his hand. As gently as possible, he brushes his knuckles over her head.

“Does the dog… make you feel less lonely?”

“Yes. Most of the time.”

He rests his palm over her head now, brushing his thumb back and forth over the space between her eyes.

“What’s it’s name then?”

“Goose.”

“Stupid fucking name.” He says, softly.

“Fuck you.” You laugh. “You love it. Asshole.”

Goose walks in a circle in her spot, then sits with her back turned to him. She leans her weight against his knee.

“Not much of a guard dog.” He murmurs, and you reach a hand to scratch behind her ear. “Hardly did anything when I came in.”

“Because she’s a good girl.” You say.

He can feel her tail hit his foot at the sudden excitement at being praised for being anything. “If she’s gonna stay in this house, she’s gonna have to protect it.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

Simon takes another treat out of the bag. Goose does absolutely nothing to hide her excitement. “And, how did this happen?”

“She got dumped outside of my work. No one wanted to take her so I took her.” You say. Simon looks at you and you look back at him. “No chip, no collar. She was wandering around our parking lot for hours, I think. Probably waiting for whoever dumped her. Vet said she can’t be any older than five months.”

“When was this?”

“About a month and a half ago.” You rub your thumb against his arm and press your mouth against his shoulder. “I’m glad you’re home.”

“Yeah.”

“So, what do you think?”

Slowly, Goose sinks down closer to the ground and settles her chin over her far-too-big paws. She looks at Simon, blinking at him with big eyes before they slowly settle into a nap.

“I think that a dog is a perfect waste of space.”

“Okay, what do you really think?” You chuckle.

He sighs. A moment passes of complete silence. You’re hanging onto his arm, kneeling beside him as you both look down at this dog who can only get bigger and dirtier and stupider. This dog, who is also very soft and sweet. And, while (in his own opinion) he might be something of a monster, Simon couldn’t allow himself to be completely heartless. He couldn’t be the thing that takes away the bits of happiness that you can find for yourself.

“If it makes you happy, then I can hardly say no.”

You smile at him, give his arm a squeeze, and press another kiss on his cheek. You stand, “Do you wanna help me with dinner?”

“I’m gonna get cleaned up first.”

You hum in response but before you can fully turn away, he takes your hand and places a kiss on your cheek just below your eye, then another on your mouth. And in the moment that either of you are looking away from Goose, she gets up and begins chewing on his shoelaces.

“She likes you.”

“If I’m lucky it’ll pass.”

“Unfortunately, I can’t say that it will.”

Another moment passes where it’s nearly completely silent, save for the sound of Goose’s mouth gnawing the little strings attached to Simon’s feet. Then, slowly, you wrap your arms around his neck and give him a squeeze.

Then, you pull away, picking up Goose with a labored groan. You walk her over to the back door, open it, and place her down at the threshold. She all but stumbles down the steps into the backyard.

“Well, go get cleaned up if you really wanna help me with dinner.”

Simon watches you empty out grocery bags, then sighs. You listen to his footsteps walk farther into the house. And, through the window, you watch Goose twist up and roll into a splotch of mud.

#simon ghost riley x reader #simon riley reader insert #simon riley x reader #ghost x reader #ghost reader insert #mw2 x reader

1K notes · View notes

bedoballoons · 5 months

Note

Hi! How are you?

This is my first request on this blog so it’s nice to talk to you! I was wondering if I could request Childe and maybe Kaeya (you can add anyone else you deem as fit for the role if you want to) with fem!reader where reader is sad and character does the dirty sad little sushi roll thing…If that’s okay!

Feel free to decline this! And have some flowers for your time 💐

Thank you lovely!

I'm doing well thank you, hope you are too! You called me lovely oh my gosh >////< Welcome to my blog cutie! I won't lie I had to Google this so I hope I got it right and you enjoy! <3

─⊰⁠⊹ฺ🍂𝔾𝕖𝕟𝕤𝕙𝕚𝕟 ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕔𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕟𝕤⊰⁠⊹ฺ🍂

{༻~Dirty sushi roll~༺}

CW: NSFW: MDNI! Bottom Fem reader! Rough s*x, overstimulation (Wanderers), orgasm denial (Childes), kinda bondage?, and cream pies! (Pet names: Lyney: My love, baby, Wanderer: Goodgirl, Childe: Beautiful, Kaeya: Goregous, my dear)

Also in case you don't know what a dirty sushi roll is: It's when you wrap up your partner in a blanket like a sushi roll, d*ck them down really good and make them happy by doing so!

(Includes: Lyney, Wanderer, Childe, and Kaeya!)

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

𑁍༄Lyney:

You gasped quietly into Lyneys kiss, feeling your sadness fade with every touch, every soft moan that escaped your lips as he sunk deeper into your cunt, making you forget the reason for your downcast mood so quickly. The blanket wrapped around you made it even better, heat surrounding your body inside and out, comforting you while also making your legs quiver.

"Feeling better my love~" Lyneys warm breath caressed your ear and it sent chills down your spine, your tight walls clenching around him so perfectly. "Y-yesss nnhh-hh!" He intentionally thrusted into your wet heat as you spoke, delighting in the way you threw your head back with glazed over eyes, so goregous for him.

"Mmm good~" His hands wandered down your silky legs, forcing them forward so he could go deeper inside you. His groans growing louder with every snap of his hips in yours, your pussy sucking him in everytime he almost slipped out...this may have been to help you feel better, but he enjoyed it just as much.

"L-l-lyney! Gonna nhgh! Gonna cum!"

"Me too baby, finish with me~"

You clenched the blanket in your fingers, making eye contact with him as his name escaped you over and over. He gave one more harsh thrust into you, causing waves of lust to was over you, muddling your mind while strings of sticky hot cum shot deep inside your womb...in such large amounts that it dribbled down your fluttering cunt onto the blanket.

"Cuddles my l-love?"

"M-mhm!"

𑁍༄Wanderer:

Wanderers hands gripped the couch on either side of your head, keeping him steady as his dick plunged into your drooling cunny with no remorse. He'd keep going until that sad look in your eyes was all but gone, till the only emotion written on your face was that blushy doe like lust that made him want to ravage you all over again, "How's my good girl doing~"

You cried out a moan in response, your mind was barely able to come up with words as your body grew hotter with every second, pussy aching to finish once more and soak the blanket wrapped around you, "B-better! Cu-mmminh! Nhhh-gh!"

He smirked, keeping up his pace as your love splashed around him, dripping down the base of his cock,...this was going to be fun, "Better isn't good enough~"

"Ahhnh! W-wanderer! S-to much!"

"You like it when it's to much~" He leaned in close, sinking his tongue into your hot mouth as his hips thrusted into you faster, "Mmm you always taste so good~"

𑁍༄Childe:

"Awe beautiful, why the whimpering? Don't you like being wrapped up all cozy and full of me?" Childe chuckled teasingly, listening to your pleas for him to let you finish like they were his favourite song. He would've too, but he was just so entranced by the way your drenched pussy fluttered around nothing needily everytime he pulled out of you, the way his hot white cum had begun to mix with your wetness and make stringy line from his tip to you.

"W-wanna finish! P-please mnhnhh-hhah! P-p-leanse!"

He slowly ran his hot fingers along your clit, internally deciding if you'd had enough yet while you moaned loudly, "Hmm, but we are having so much fun...maybe if you moan real nice and loud for me I'll give you what you want, and I mean scream my name loud~"

You gasped under your breath, feeling him softly rub himself against your entrance, prodding you to give a answer...he was making you feel better after all..."S-someone could h-hear-"

"And? Come on beautiful, please~"

𑁍༄Kaeya:

Kaeyas mouth felt hot against your neck, his lips leaving prints on your soft skin as he adorned it with perfect marks, if only he could relieve your sadness the second it appeared...but then he wouldn't be able to wrap you up like this. Watching your sweet little face get more relieved with every movement he made in your heat, listening to your melodic moans while his length stroked your tight walls, already slick with his pre-cum.

"How are you feeling goregous? Is my love helping~"

You squirmed inside the blanket, wanting to grab his hair and pull him into a deep kiss, move your hips in time with his for that perfect rhythm, but the comfort of the blanket also felt nice after the tough day you'd experienced, "Nhghh, i-is good. T-thannk you~"

"Any time my dear~"

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚~Have a nice day~*⁠.⁠✧

#genshin impact #genshin smut #genshin headcanons #genshin #genshin fanfic #genshin x reader #genshin x you #lyney smut #lyney x you #lyney x reader #wanderer smut #wanderer x you #wanderer x reader #childe smut #childe x you #childe x reader #kaeya smut #kaeya x you #kaeya x reader

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ghost-recs · 28 days

Note

CAN I ASK FOR A SUNA REC? (preferably timeskip)

YES YOU SURE CAN !! i may have gone down a small rabbit hole but most of them are oneshots. hopefully you'll find something that fits your fancy :)

Suna Timeskip Recs

love sick by @idlerin

synopsis: you are the campus "cupid" and give out love advice to the other students on campus as a hobby. but what happens when suna asks you to fake date him as a way to fend off the girls you're encouraging?

smau, college au - fun dynamics between characters and i'm obsessed with seeing where this goes [ongoing...]

bet on stones by @animatedrapture

synopsis: suna lost a bet, but for you he'd do it all over again.

a pure fluff oneshot with your pro-player boyfriend!

once in a lifetime by @moonswolfie

synopsis: this may be your once in a lifetime opportunity to talk with ejp raijin's suna rintaro, who could blame you for indulging in your small celebrity crush?

cute oneshot, flirting, i love this scenario

Lame Jokes by hurtbycanonthoughts [ao3]

synopsis: the same grumpy customer comes in every morning. you swear you'll get him to smile somehow.

oneshot! full of bad puns and fluff

clair de lune by MyAUIsAMess [ao3]

synopsis: it's been years since you've seen suna, since he made his promise. you're not sure if seeing him again was worth it.

angsty oneshot, right person wrong time that put me in my sad hours.

untitled scenario by @emmyrosee

synopsis: suna misses you while away for volleyball...

it's just cute, okay? he deserves it!

cameral roll by @haijmei

synopsis: suna is known for not being super expressive with his emotions. so how can you tell if he loves something? easy! look through his camera roll

short little oneshot of suna going through his camera roll

don't smile at me by @atzuums

synopsis: model suna is a real jerk, a hot one, but a jerk nonetheless. you just had to fall for him anyways.

smau, this is a bit cheesy, started off with a lot of good potential, but felt rushed at the end

it's a match! by shittyshima [ao3]

synopsis: matching on tinder with suna made your day. him messaging you was the cherry on top!

college au; i'm not gonna lie i feel like this is ooc, but the idea is cute!

i'm just gonna leave this one here again tho - you're not the one (ik it's not a timeskip but it's so good)

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zepskies · 4 months

Text

Green

Pairing: Soldier Boy (Ben) x F. Reader, Ben and daughter!OC

Summary: Ben spends the day alone with his daughter, to varying degrees of success. When you get home, it prompts a serious conversation.

AN: Another one-shot for the BMD-verse, set sometime after "Until Morning" (you'll see). This can be read as standalone as well!

Word Count: 2,500 Tags/Warnings: 18+ only! Father and daughter fluff, followed by husband and wife spice.~

Read more of the BMD-verse! ⤵️

💚 Break Me Down Masterlist

Father and daughter were glaring at one another, gazes locked.

Green against green.

“Young lady, I’m telling you right now. I’m not gonna tolerate any more of your little attitude,” said Ben. “If you want to try me, be my guest.”

He held the ravioli poised on a pink plastic spoon. His daughter Lila sat in her highchair in the kitchen, boldly refusing any more of her lunch.

Her stubborn face reminded him entirely too much of you. But he needed her to eat. He wouldn’t have it said when you came home that he couldn’t feed a damn two-year-old.

He huffed. “Work with me here. Just a couple more bites.”

Lila made a shrill sound of refusal when the spoon came near her face. He knew she could use a spoon just fine. She was being difficult on purpose.

To demonstrate her resolve, she slapped at the ravioli with a chubby little hand, and it ended up splashing back into the bowl. A bit of red sauce splattered onto Ben’s cheek, with a pinch of it hitting his eye.

He blinked in annoyance. “Delilah Marie, I swear to Christ—”

She’s just a baby, a voice that sounded a lot like you infiltrated his mind. It still didn’t take away his aggravation.

“No!” Lila insisted. It was her favorite word, right behind Bluey.

She then pushed the bowl right off the highchair. It spilled ravioli and pasta sauce all over the floor in spectacular fashion. Ben was sitting in his own chair by the dining table, where he moved his feet back at the last moment. She almost got his Italian loafers.

“You gotta be f…” It took every scrap of patience within him to hold his tongue…and breathe calmly through his nose. He didn’t want to reward this destructive, disrespectful behavior, but he also knew that he needed his daughter to eat.

“Want some applesauce?” he said, as a peace offering.

Lila’s face scrunched.

“No applesauce, huh?” Ben muttered. He glanced at the mess across the highchair and the formerly white tile on the floor. “Your mother’s gonna have a conniption.”

“Mommy?” Lila asked. “Mommy’s home?”

“No, she’s not here right now,” Ben replied. “She’ll be home later.”

Lila seemed to understand, because that’s when she got upset again. Her red-stained finger drew a shapeless form in the sauce as she pouted. At least she wasn’t crying.

Ben sighed, once again, and stroked her cheek with his thumb.

Fuck it.

“You want some ice cream?” he bribed.

Her sadness dissipated at the thought; she smiled brightly and nodded. “Yeah!”

“Yeah, I thought so,” he grumbled.

After a scoop of strawberry ice cream for each of them (she liked it because it was pink), Ben wrangled her up out of the highchair and declared, bath time.

He did fine with the bathing process. He’d helped you with this before, and so he knew what to do in order to wash the sauce off her face, hands, and even her hair. It was what came after the bath that remained a problem.

Lila was stubborn beyond belief, even before she could articulate what it was about the soft green onesie that she didn’t like. No, she wasn’t satisfied until Ben pulled out the yellow Starlight themed pajamas. Probably because they had “Auntie Annie’s” face all over them.

He rolled his eyes, but this wasn’t a hill he needed to die on. He dressed Lila and tried to tuck her into bed for her afternoon nap. The problem was, she refused to lie still in the crib.

Instead, she was bouncing on the balls of her feet, using the edge of the crib for balance. He’d be impressed, if she wasn’t trying to climb out and give him a small heart attack.

He grabbed her and gathered her against his chest. Despite the super strength you’d temporarily displayed off and on throughout your pregnancy, Lila’s powers were latent at the moment. Dr. Baker seemed to think Lila would start to display them once she got old enough. Like Ryan, who hadn’t started growing into his powers until around 10 years old.

So for now, Lila was a mostly normal two-year-old who could still get hurt.

Ben frowned. “This is the time you usually go down. Why do you have so much energy?”

She just giggled at him and put both hands on his face, over his eyes.

“Daddy, guess who?”

He sighed, but couldn’t help smiling. As usual, he indulged her.

“Could it be my baby girl?”

He waited until her hands came away from his eyes, and he opened them wide.

“There she is!”

She squealed and giggled and grabbed his hair when he kissed her cheek. In the comfort of his own home, he could afford to be this openly affectionate.

Aw shit, he thought, as something occured to him.

He finally realized why she was so fucking hyper. Maybe it had something to do with the giant scoop of ice cream she’d had for lunch.

Goddamn it. Ben sighed and unwrapped her arm from around his head.

“Okay, let’s watch some TV.”

Lila didn’t seem all that interested in watching anything, or even playing with her toys. She mainly wanted to jump on Ben’s stomach while he was trying to relax on the couch. He put on a football game you taped for him. Or recorded, as you'd said.

“All right, enough. Your old man’s trying to watch the game,” Ben said, bringing Lila down to sit in lap.

That lasted for about two seconds. Thereafter, she was climbing up his chest and trying to smother him with her little hands.

He took her hand from his nose so he could at least breathe in peace.

“Where’s Mommy?” Lila asked, as she sat on his shoulder and beat a little fist on the top of his head.

“She’s with your aunt,” Ben replied. “Well, not your real one, the fake one.”

Lila made a sound of confusion. Realizing that she didn’t know what the hell he meant, he rephrased.

“She’s with your Aunt Annie. They’ll be back soon,” he said.

He didn’t mind you wanting a day out to yourself. What he minded was the attitude you’d struck when he suggested dropping Lila off with Louisa, your actual sister.

“What, you can’t handle her alone for one day?” you’d asked.

His pride hadn’t allowed him to say no to that.

So here he was, with a wily toddler who was doing her damndest to suffocate him. Better attempts than this had failed, but it was still annoying while he was trying to watch the game.

Somehow, he managed to tune it out while he watched the ref make a bad call.

“What was that?! You gotta be kidding me!” Ben said, holding Lila to his chest even as he pointed and shouted at the TV. “Son of a bitch. What a pussy call that was.”

“Bish, bish, bish,” Lila said, making a game out of the word. It called Ben’s attention.

He forgot about the game for a moment when he looked down at her. His eyes widened a fraction, even as a smile pulled at his lips.

“What’d you just say?”

“Bishhhhhh,” Lila repeated. “Somvabishhhh.” Her lips squished like a fish. And then she giggled, like it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard.

“Aw, fuck,” Ben uttered.

And he pressed his lips together with ever widening eyes at what he’d just said.

Lila grinned. “Fack!”

“Uhh, no. No. Don’t say that,” he said, trying to sound stern. Inside, he was trying not to laugh. He didn't really give a shit what she said, but you were particular about the kid not inheriting his vocabulary.

In fact, he was pretty sure you were going to go nuclear for this one.

“Why?” Lila asked.

“Because it’s uh…a bad word,” Ben replied, even though he wanted to roll his eyes at himself. This was what he’d become. A suburban dad.

"And it's not ladylike," he added.

“Fackkkk,” Lila giggled some more.

Christ on a cross. Ben bit the inside of lip hard to stop himself from laughing.

“Whatever. Just don’t say it around your mom,” he relented. He brushed his fingers through her soft brown hair. She preened at the attention, like the little showboat she was.

“Daddyyyy…” Lila wrapped her arms around his neck and snuggled as deeply into him as she could, like a koala clinging to a shaking branch.

Ben sighed and rubbed a hand up and down her back as he cradled her against him.

These were the moments he didn’t mind. In fact, these were the moments he did his best to remember. They helped block out the older, darker ones that this kid would never know.

Ben woke to the shutter of a camera going off.

He blinked his bleary eyes open to find you standing there with a highly amused smile on your face, and your phone poised in your hand.

He groaned, but he soon realized that Lila was sleeping in his arms, on his chest. You leaned down and rested a hand on her back. You also greeted him with a kiss to his temple.

“Long day?” you teased quietly.

Ben gave you a deadpan look, one that had you straining to taper down your giggles. Though he drew you closer by your hip and squeezed the soft flesh over your white sundress. He took you in with a lazy once-over.

You looked good. Sexy as hell, really. Your face was glowing and relaxed, and he liked the shade of red you’d done on your nails.

“You have a good time?” he asked.

“Yeah,” you replied, massaging his shoulder. Though you arched a brow. “There’s a catastrophe in the kitchen.”

Ben blinked.

Fuck. He forgot about that.

“Yep,” he said, giving you a teasing smirk of his own. “Right on time for you, baby.”

You chuckled, though your eyes narrowed in warning. “Yeah, right.”

You still helped him put Lila down in the nursery for the rest of her nap. She yawned and turned over onto her back. You pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, though you had to smile when it accidentally left the red mark of your lipstick behind.

You bit your lip and gently rubbed it off without waking her up. (An amazing damn feat, as far as you were concerned.)

Ben laid a heavy hand on your back, prompting you to straighten up and turn into his waiting embrace.

His lips curved as he looked down at you. “Hey.”

You laughed quietly. “Hey, yourself.”

Your hands glided up his chest, and further still to hold his face. You brought him down to kiss you, with your fingers slipping into his hair, and your nails dragging along his scalp. He hummed into your mouth.

“Miss me?” you teased.

Ben huffed. As usual though, his answer was in his actions. He held you close for a moment, just to feel you there.

Your arms slipped around his, clinging to his shoulders as you rested against him. This was your safe, comfortable place where you always felt at home.

But, you couldn’t help but break the spell.

“Come on. Clean up on aisle 12,” you quipped, reaching around to smack his ass.

Ben rolled his eyes, but when you pulled away from him, he followed you into the kitchen.

“You know, I had a lot going on. Your kid is a fucking menace,” he said. “Like a bull in a China shop.”

You scoffed. “She’s only my kid when she gives you a hard time. Where do you think she gets it from?”

“You,” he retorted.

You had to laugh at that one. It still didn’t get him out of helping you clean the kitchen from top to bottom.

After a long shower, waking an errant child from her nap, dinner, and a joint effort of getting Lila to sleep for the night, Ben joined you in bed wearing just his usual sweatpants.

You’d opted for some black satin, he noticed.

Good, he thought, for the night to come. You’d spent the whole day getting massaged and moisturized and whatever else women did on a day out.

When he rolled onto his side, you greeted him with a smile and a hand running up his arm, already pulling him toward you. His hand glided along your bare thigh as you hooked it over his hip.

“I need to tell you something, but you’ve gotta promise not to say anything to anyone,” you whispered in the small space between his face and yours, and you tapped his chin.

Ben raised a brow and squeezed your thigh. Whatever it was, couldn’t it wait until long after he’d undressed you?

“What?” he asked.

“Annie’s pregnant!” you said with a wide smile. “Six weeks. She just told me today.”

Ben blinked at that one. “Is it Hughie’s kid?”

“Wha…of course, it is!”

“Wow. Guess he had it in him after all,” Ben remarked. “Who woulda thought.”

You shook your head, but his grin made you laugh.

“You’re ridiculous,” you said, through your remaining giggles, though you leaned forward and stole a kiss. It led Ben to want more, and more of you.

He started to ply you with slow, lazy kisses that grew deeper, becoming all-consuming as his tongue warred against yours. His hands dove under the satin covering your body, and his thumbs brushed the sides of your breasts.

“Maybe it’s time we go for number two,” he said.

You uttered another incredulous laugh, gripped a fist in his hair and tugged. “Excuse me?”

“You fucking heard me,” Ben said. He rolled you onto your back and pinned you there. “Ain’t no way we’re stopping at one. Lila needs a brother.”

“You can’t even handle one,” you teased. Your hands slid up his arms and then down his chest. “Baby, we can talk about having more kids, but—”

“And? We’re talking now,” he said. He dipped his head to start kissing a hot, wet line down your neck. It made your breath falter and your back start to arch. Your hips shifted against his, trying to find friction. You could feel his length hardening against your thigh.

“Ben,” you warned, and implored, but the graze of his teeth on your neck made you shudder.

Your grip on his arms tightened. “Please…”

“Please what?” he smirked against your skin. His hips rocked against your heated core.

This conversation was going into a no man’s land very fast.

You literally took matters into your own hands…by reaching down and grasping your husband’s cock through his sweatpants. You gave him a demanding squeeze.

His breath hitched. Ben paused, unlatching from your neck, and turning his lips toward your cheek.

“I’m listening,” he said, in a gritted voice. You smirked.

“We can, and we will talk about this,” you promised. “Just not when you’re about to be balls-deep inside me.”

You were back on birth control anyway (the pill this time).

Ben chuckled. His hand reached up and smoothed your hair away from your forehead.

“Fine,” he conceded. A smirk grew across his face. “But we can still practice.”

A giggle fell from your lips, just before he claimed them once again.

AN: A little callback to the BMD Epilogue at the end there. 😂

What did you think about the father/daughter time? And do you think Ben won against either of the ladies in his life? 🤣

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BMD Tag List (Part 1):

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@xoxoviennaa @katherineann814 @lollag0w0 @globetrotter28 @nancymcl @ashbatz @secretdreamlandmentality @kristophalis @wonderland2022 @emily-winchester @shelh93 @sl33pylilbunny @spoonmynoodle @chernayawidow

@buckybarnes-1917 @asgardprincess97 @sometimes-i-sing @itsyellow @karnellius @kimberleymjw @is-this-a-febreze-commercial @iamsapphine @sanscas @se-fucking-hun @lassie-bird @jessjad @yepimthatperson @fromcaintodean @stoneyggirl2

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#Green #soldier boy x reader #soldier boy #Dad!Ben #new dad #father daughter feels #husband and wife spice #daughter OC #Soldier Boy imagine #BMD verse #the boys #soldier boy/ben #soldier boy x female reader #soldier boy x you #Break Me Down verse #zepskies writes

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randombush3 · 5 months

Text

audentes fortuna iuvat

alexia putellas x reader

part one, part two

words: 9541

summary: alexia and you as posh + becks III

content warnings: there’s some (a lot of) cheating + postpartum depression. it’s more frustrating than sad though x

notes: this covers 2019-22(ish). It was SUPPOSED to be the last part. It’s not anymore. I’m gonna do a fourth to deal w the mess I have created in a more self-indulgent amount of words than the 3k i had planned. That will probably have smut in it 😛

“Y/n left me.”

The limousine you are in is completely black, save for the white lines being measured out right next to you.

“What?” says Jenni.

“She left me,” Alexia says once more. The hotel room is a non-committal beige. They lie in the same bed, the older of the two welcoming her lost teammate wordlessly and without judgement. Tomorrow, they will return to Barcelona, losers yet another time. “She moved back to london. She took Nico.”

“She can’t just take Nico, can she?”

“Y/n, how’s Nico?” Your stomach turns, but whether that is provoked by the thought of the baby boy you left crying in your father’s arms or by the white powder outlining the rim of the woman’s nostrils, you don’t know.

Your son’s creasing eyes, red face, and grabbing hands appear in front of you. He screams as you walk away. He doesn’t understand why he has not smelt Alexia in weeks, and he misses the comfort of home.

Everyone waits for your answer. No one comments on the bags under your eyes. “He's fine,” you say with a smile. “He loves it here.”

“I think she is depressed,” Alexia tells Jenni, comforted by the arms wrapped around her waist, holding her close and tightly and reminding her that she is not as alone as you have made her feel. “She told me that she couldn’t be in Barcelona anymore, but she said that without giving me a chance to come with her. Her bags were packed before the conversation started — she might as well have called me from the plane.”

“Are you angry at her?”

“Yes.”

Alexia thinks about it.

“No.”

“No,” you say when they point at your very own line. The drug holds a place of both familiarity and hatred in your heart. The fine, white powder reminds you of greatness – of being the most successful girl group in the UK – but, also, of hospital visits. It’s not a past addiction, but it could have been. You light a cigarette instead, though it will make the vehicle reek. “I can't. I have a son.”

“You’re not a saint.” They boo. “You’re allowed to have fun. I saw you the other day, and you had no qualms with any drugs then.”

“No, I'm not a saint,” you reply. You regret that night — however little you remember. “But I am a mother.”

“Is it that thing? Postpartum?” Jenni asks. “The baby blues are really shitty, I've heard, but they’re not supposed to cripple you. Maybe the relationship has other issues.”

“I'm not angry at her, Jenni,” Alexia repeats. “I miss Nico. He looks like her. He has started to look a lot more like her now.”

“He would definitely suit those sparkly bralettes.” Jenni giggles at the thought.

With an understandable lack of good humour, Alexia ponders something more realistic. “He would suit a Barcelona kit.”

“He would be made for it. You are his mother.”

“I'm not angry at her,” Alexia says for the third time, just to make herself believe it. Just to carve those words into her bones and tell herself that it isn’t anger, what she’s feeling. “I don't want to be angry at her. I think I'm going to see if I can move to arsenal.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“Well, I'm not angry at her.”

“Alexia.” Jenni cups her cheek tenderly. “Ale.” She knows she shouldn’t. She’s not angry at you, and so there is no punishment needed. Not that… Not that kissing Jenni would ever be utilised as a weapon to get back at you. Or that she’d actually kiss her.

“Daddy, I can't get him tonight. No, I don't want to stay over. Daddy, I…” You hate the baby. You hate yourself. You hate that Spain hasn’t done well, and that your fiancée is disappointed that nothing is how it was supposed to be. Alexia is probably lying awake in bed, missing her son, and missing you. You expect one of her teammates to call you soon, and tell her that she needs you. You’re her person. “I'm going to get some sleep and I'll pick him up tomorrow. Probably around lunchtime, okay?”

“Alexia, bésame.”

…

You had passively bought your house. It’s how property sale works when you’re a celebrity. People are always willing to do things for you if you know the price, and it never hurts to use your name to add a new flashy level to whatever stupid business they are running. It’s a mutual exploitation, to some extent.

Highgate is beautiful. The house is beautiful.

The reception room, with its high, decorated ceilings, is your favourite place to numbly take in the twisted jigsaw of your life when Nico has cried himself to sleep. The nursery is on the first floor. He is near enough for safety, but at a distance that allows you to regret all the mistakes you have made.

You watch him roll over onto his stomach, eyes trained on the baby monitor though your fingers graze the ivory keys of your new piano, attempting to compose something worthwhile. At this rate, your solo career is going to fail just like your relationship seems to be doing.

Yesterday, while Alexia seemingly disappeared from the face of the Earth, you came out. It was an off-hand comment during the Graham Norton Show. A quick ‘my fiancée named him. She’s from Barcelona’ was all it took. You hope Alexia, wherever she may be, has heard about it. Jenni would have told her. You trust Jenni to be somewhat on your side because she always has been.

The doorbell rings just as you sniffle, wiping away the tear that slips down your cheek. “Don’t be pathetic,” you mutter to yourself. “You didn’t pay five million pounds to sit here and cry. You chose to come back home.”

Being in England – colder, drearier, lonelier England – has made you realise that your decision was not the right one. Or maybe it was. It has proven that you are as terrible a mother as you convinced yourself you were back in Barcelona, and it has also shoved the cavity Alexia leaves in your life when you refuse her entry right down your throat in the form of a constant lump and a dull stabbing in your chest whenever you think about anything past whether Nico has had anything to eat. You can’t even feed him properly, despite it being supposedly in your nature. You buy formula from the nearest Waitrose.

The doorbell rings again.

The insistence is not uncommon seeing as you are, at the minute, the English press’s number one target. You open the CCTV app on your phone so that you can decide whether or not to ignore the potential stalker, and your heart rate spikes when you see the hooded figure standing on the porch. Back to the door, it is not possible to determine the threat. A well-buried maternal instinct kicks in for once, and you ensure that Nico is still peacefully out cold before getting up to answer the door with the poker from the Victorian fireplace firmly in your grip. Just in case.

You are a mother, in whatever capacity you have decided that role looks like, and so you undo the three latches on the door with brave, protective fingers. The baby monitor’s volume has increased, and the fuzz of white noise is audible if Nico were to make a sound. The vague repulsion at the idea of it all is only an aftertaste in your silent prayer for the hooded figure to not want to kill you. Some sick part of your brain imagines Nico dead, as well. It tortures you.

The poker in your other hand, for the most fleeting of moments, is almost plunged into your chest. The imaginary, self-inflicted wound makes you think of the blood and how the baby upstairs would wail until someone found him. The grimace of annoyance on your lips is nothing new, but you have no more time to torment yourself because the doorbell is pressed again, rather impatiently.

You open the door and the hooded figure is right in front of you. “He’s asleep,” you say, the Spanish foreign on your tongue.

Alexia shrugs, and her hood falls down, revealing the brunette tendrils that hang from her slowly sinking bun. “I came for you,” she replies, so earnestly that it is as if nothing ever happened: past pain forgotten and replaced by sprouting memories of soft kisses and mornings where leaving was too hard to do. Some of them, you think, are not real. They don’t seem to be. Your blank stare is unsettling. You almost don’t believe her. “Can we talk?” she tries, and you notice the team-issued duffle on the tiled floor she is standing on. Then, from the pocket of her hoodie, she extracts a pastry box. The plastic window is filled with circles of different colours, and she holds out the macaroons to you as if to bribe her way into a home in which she is unsure she belongs to.

Stepping aside, leaning the poker against the wall by the door, you scratch at the bare skin of your neck. Alexia, while sweeping an arm down to collect her bag, fixes her gaze onto the ring you are wearing, and the diamond glistens with hope that this can all be fixed. “Would you like to come inside?”

She swallows the whine of anguish that tears her heart open at the idea that this might never be her house to live in, too, and she follows you dutifully as you lead her through hallways far more luxurious than the flat in Barcelona could ever be. This is what you left her for – the person you are, no longer in worn clothing with messy hair, is quite the opposite of the woman with her back to her moments before she had to focus on football. The necklace draped on your sharpened collarbones is new, and she does not dare believe what she has been hearing is true. Yes, there are pictures, but she trusts you. She will always trust you.

“Have a seat,” you say, gesturing to the wooden dining table. It is clean enough for her to determine that it is unused. Alexia places the macaroons in front of her, and aches at how you sit at the opposite end.

“I…”

“I thought you were going to give me all the time that I needed.” It is a statement of distance, as if your location is not enough.

Alexia, eyes widening at how unwelcome she suddenly feels, needs only to remind herself of the impending date of the wedding. It is beginning to loom uncomfortably, with the excitement of getting married drained out like a low tide on a deserted beach. “We have two weeks. If it isn’t going to happen, then you should tell me now. We have to give everyone notice so that they can cancel their flights.” Your silence spurs her on. “You will need to contact the wedding planner, because you refused to let me have a hand in any of it so I don’t even have their number. I’m sorry that you won’t be able to wear your dress. Vivienne Westwood is a big thing for you, I know. I’m sorry that it’s inconvenient.”

“But Alexia,” you whisper, “I don’t not want to get married.”

Her eyebrows furrow, head tilted slightly to the left. “I know. That is why I am saying this.”

Your voice grows louder. “No, no. Sorry, that wasn’t the easiest thing to understand.” Across the dining table, your love that has faltered, that has hesitated and been reconsidered and been stamped down over the past month, extends towards her: its final destination, always and forever. Alexia feels it grab her by the throat, wrenching the words from her before she can even formulate a thought in response, and her body is so drawn to you, in such a powerful fashion, that she pushes her chair out from the table with a grating scrape and is stepping towards you with a finality that makes her wonder if she’ll ever leave your side.

As she approaches, the idea that she is here becomes a little too real. You have played with the fantasy of it, of course, but the tenderness in her usually fierce eyes does not match the anger you had expected, and, in the most feeble fashion, you have never felt more apologetic in your life.

“I’m so sorry,” you begin to say. Tears stream down your face with freed anguish, and the words are so simple yet they bear the weight of your entire soul. “I’m so sorry, darling. I made a mistake, and I have been met with the most crushing of realisations: I can’t do this without you, Alexia.” I still want to marry you, Alexia.

The room seems to close in on your despair, attempting to bottle it, almost, and keep you trapped underneath a haze of emotions you don’t quite know how to sort through. “I… I’m beginning to hate him.” The confession hangs heavy over Alexia’s bowed head as she stands frozen in place, stuck in her journey towards you but unable to arrive. “I’m acutely aware of how cruel it is,” you continue, this next admission being what agonises you the most. It floods the room with guilt, and your voice trembles with self-condemnation that reigns harsher than any other voice in your head.

“It’s ridiculous. I’m evil and I’m wrong, and I just feel like it is inherently in my nature to be like this, as though some fault has been built into me with warning signs we evidently ignored.” You struggle to breathe. “I wish I could take back the day we decided to have him,” you confess, your voice barely above a whisper, lips doused in tears, skin searing with shame when Alexia cups your cheek with a strong, calloused hand. “He should not have to be stuck with me as a mother.”

Your chest heaves, and you are finished. You have never verbalised it before now, and it is impossible to decide whether it has helped remove the lead lining of your heart where it has been bolstered against your will. Her other hand steadily rises to your face, but then, with only a second of hesitation, she is pulling you upwards and enveloping you in her embrace. You feel a little bit closer to her. “Mi amor,” Alexia murmurs, tone cracked with sorrow and regret. “Lo siento mucho. Desearía haber sabido, desearía haber estado allí para ti.”

Gently, she tilts your face upwards to meet her gaze. “You are not evil and no estás equivocada. Estoy aquí ahora, y no te dejaré enfrentar esto sola nunca más.” You collapse into her. “I’m here, cariño, and I am not going anywhere.”

The sentiment is wonderful, and Alexia makes good on her word.

When Nico begins to cry, the sound piercing through your choked sobs, Alexia realises she has missed all of her life with you. Being separated and being apart due to work, she now knows, are two excruciatingly different things. The whiny wails from upstairs visibly jar you, though you pull away from Alexia to attend to him. “I will do it,” she declares, though her firmness is not mean. “Sit down. Eat the macaroons – they’re… ‘to die for’?” You nod with instinctive encouragement. “Sí. They’re to die for. Try. Jenni says that the pink ones are the best.”

“Jenni picked them out?” you ask with a briefly regained humour, eyebrows raising. “Had to get your friend to choose your apology gift?” In truth, neither of you know what Alexia would be apologising for, but Nico’s crying grows more incessant and Alexia is climbing the carpeted staircase before the topic can be discussed.

Alexia reaches her son with tears brimming in her eyes. The failure of Spain at the World Cup is amplified by the idea that she has disappointed him, though he does not yet possess the tools to pledge his allegiance to her country. In fact, Nico has been sleeping in Manchester United attire (your father has been his primary carer of late, and he does not charge you money, so the price is obviously Alexia’s sanity). She is more than glad to smell his nappy, and delighted about the opportunity to change him into something less hideous.

“Mama loves you so much,” she tells him as she manoeuvres his chubby legs into a plain, inoffensive onesie. “I promise, petit. I am going to help her, okay? And we are going to get through this together.” Alexia forgets about the taste of Jenni’s lips and the heat between them. “Mama just doesn’t see the direction she is going in. It is like her eyes are covered, and she is telling herself that she is walking down the wrong path, but this is not true. You are the most special thing in the world to us. You are the sunrise, the sunset, and the hours of the day.”

She pauses to stand him up on his tiny feet, hands hoisted underneath his armpits. He is heavier than when she last held him, but she is stronger than before, too. Women’s football is growing, along with her muscles. Nico babbles out a vague reply, but Alexia hears what he is trying to say. “I agree. We’ll be alright.” And, with all her heart, it rings true.

…

The following day, she calls the doctor for you, script written out on a piece of paper in front of her, translated perfectly so that her concern does not waver the information she needs to tell the receptionist. The clinic is famous and discreet, and they are quick to prescribe you antidepressants before the week draws to a close. You won’t be able to drink at your wedding, and everyone might think you are pregnant again, but Alexia reassures you that it will be worth it.

Wrapped up in your own bubble, the three of you enjoy London in a way that isn’t possible in Barcelona.

Here, Alexia has no commitment to football. There are no training sessions she must rush off to, there are no teammates to pry, and no one else to interfere with your private little routine. You quite like it, and she does too. It is only temporary, before you fly out to Menorca and hand Nico off to Eli in order to enjoy your respective bachelorette parties and then, in exactly seven days, your wedding itself.

“You’re still smoking,” Alexia says disapprovingly, the sleep in her voice enough to make you feel a pang of guilt. It’s late at night when Nico has finally been soothed from his aching gums, and she has been able to climb back into bed expecting to find you asleep already. “Why are you awake?”

“I’m still smoking,” you tell her. She sighs at the way you parrot her words, but presses an affectionate kiss to the junction of your neck and shoulders despite the lingering smell of cigarettes. “If I can’t drink, I’m going to smoke. This is Hollywood.”

“This is Highgate.” Her accent curls around the name with something a little too foreign for her to ever consider this place home. “Why are you awake?” she repeats.

You look down at the open notebook in your lap, the pages either blank or full of crossed-out lyrics. “He was so loud, but I can’t seem to write anything either so, really, it has been quite redundant.”

“I had to get a glass full of ice and hold it to my fingers so that I could help him. I could have lost some very important assets, but it seemed to do the trick.” He’s teething. You’re telling yourself that the antidepressants are little pills of miracle, and have kicked in already. “Feel.” She presses two freezing fingers to your cheek, and you gasp, flinching away from her.

“There’s a teething ring downstairs, you know,” you tell her. She shrugs. Maybe it isn’t clean. “Don’t give yourself frostbite. I happen to quite like your fingers.”

Alexia’s smirk is beyond suggestive, and her lips hit your neck once more with an entirely different heat to them. “Yeah?” You push her head away. “I bet it would feel good. Nice and cold.”

“You’re delirious.”

She continues to kiss you. “I don’t know what that means,” she mumbles into your neck, until her lips reach your face and she is near climbing into your lap – notebook long pushed onto the floor. “Dímelo en español.”

“No lo sé.”

“Ah. Una palabra inteligente.”

“Claro.”

She laughs into the kiss she presses against your lips. She never has never felt like this with anyone else. Never this relaxed, or loved, or safe. “Me vas a matar con tu inteligencia y voy a sentirme estúpida para siempre.”

“I love you,” you state softly. “I love every part of you.” Alexia, in that moment, decides to never do what she did with Jenni again, and to never break your heart by informing you of her betrayal.

…

You’re married.

You’re married to Alexia, a woman who bears the beauty of a goddess and the strength and will of someone who could capture the sun and tame the fire that rages on its surface.

You admire her as she sleeps so peacefully beside you, tanned skin warmed by the sunlight streaming in through the large windows of the hotel room. Later, you will get on the ferry, go back to Barcelona, and then fly to Capri for three days alone before Alexia’s preseason starts. Aside from a few meetings with Dave, you theoretically aren’t swamped with anything. You’ll be joining her in her city with Nico with a bit more permanence than last time.

Alexia buries her face in the covers, crawling into your open arms the minute the sunlight rouses her. “Everything is sore,” she groans, her bare skin slightly sticking to yours, the sweat from last night not yet gone.

“What happened to ‘mi vida, one more time won’t hurt’?” you tease, impersonating her heavy accent over your English with enough drama to get her to elicit another grumble. This time, it’s something about being bullied. “Darling, we have to get up. We’re having breakfast with our parents, and apparently Nico has been upset that we got a night to ourselves.”

“Pobrecito,” she replies with a newfound level of English sarcasm. She spent the wedding reception avoiding the dance floor, engaged in a long conversation with your father. The topics spanned over most areas of life, and briefly touched upon how you are doing now. Alexia, with much pleasure, confirmed the improvement, however miniscule it has been. She is very proud of you, and he is too. “I only want one thing for breakfast.”

Her hands begin to roam, the band of her wedding ring hitting your pubic bone. “Mi vida, one more time won’t hurt,” she mocks you from before but in her sexier, Spanish husk, sucking at your collarbone, straddling your waist.

You replace your near moan with a thoughtful hum. “I really want pancakes. Do you think they’ll make me some?”

Downstairs, where it is brighter and impossible to conceal the hickeys on both of your necks, you greet your parents, brother, Anya, and Gio. Alexia’s mother, her sister, and Jenni are sitting at the table, too. Your baby is pretending he isn’t teething, and grinning like an angel.

“How’s married life?” Anya asks as you take a seat opposite her, Alexia to your right. The table has a gradient of bilingualism, but Gio discovered that she picks up Spanish quite easily considering she can already speak one romance language. “We’ve already found, like, four articles talking about it.”

“How?” you ask, but you are not offended.

Gio shrugs. “Drones, I guess. Nothing bad, though. Some speculation about the other bride – if the article does mention that. Most talk is on the dress.” It was a bloody good dress. “And I suspect that there’ll be a juicy little question about who was your Maid of Honour.”

“Don’t be salty,” you tell her. The MOH issue was sorted out years ago – perhaps 2015 – when you binged Friends together despite having watched it thousands of times before. Anya has been yours, Gio will be hers, and you will be Gio’s. And they say trios never work.

“I left Mia with her dad for this.”

“You shouldn’t have had a baby with a man-slag,” Anya says with a snort, enjoying her second mimosa and Gio’s grimace at the idea of her daughter having to put up with her father’s revolving door of one-night-stands. “You’re one to make terrible decisions. At least our girl over here’s married someone who looks at her like she’s hung the moon.”

Alexia turns to you with a smile, as if on cue, with Nico in her lap. You glance at his rounded cheeks and shining eyes, looking back up at your friends as though to check they are still there. Alexia leans forwards so that she can whisper in your ear. “Te amo. Nico, también. Mi familia es perfecta.”

…

Returning to Barcelona comes with one negotiated condition on your part. You buy a bigger apartment, where there is space for an office and extra bedrooms. Alexia says her teammates will be taking the piss out of her grand new place the minute she sees it, but she is more than content to contribute to the finances with her new-and-improved salary for this season. “It’s weird to think that I’m from Mollet,” murmurs Alexia, standing in the middle of the large lounge area, surrounded by boxes. Most are from your old flat, but a few have been flown in from London. Alexia wanted you to have your Grammy with you. “This place is so fancy.”

“It’s half of what the men’s team get,” you remind her, holding Nico with care as he gnaws away on a frozen carrot. His saliva drips onto you, but the antidepressants are working, and the therapy has been effective enough for you to start taking childcare in turns. (You had tried to previously, but Alexia wanted you to focus on yourself, knowing that things will change for all of you once the season started.) “Hey.” You place your hand on her shoulder. She tickles Nico’s chin. “We deserve this. You deserve this. Why don’t you host one of your team’s dinners? I’ll take Nico round to your mum’s – God knows she’d love to shove some food down my throat, too.”

She shakes her head, strands of brown unstraightened due to the stress of the move and falling out of her bun with a determination to defy her hair bobble. “They would kill me if I did it without you. They’re all far too grateful that you invited Taylor Swift to our wedding.”

“She’s a friend.” If you hadn’t been distracted by various other happenings that night, you’d have clocked that Alexia’s side of the guests were completely up to their ears in celebrities they’d never expected to meet. “Okay, so do you want me to stay here?”

“I always want you to stay here,” she answers.

“Not what I meant.”

“I won’t take it back.”

Nico babbles an incoherent yet cutely Spanish-y noise, though his words are getting closer to being said at the old age of eight months. Then, suddenly, something in him clicks. “Mama,” he squeals, his little fist scrunching up the fabric of your t-shirt. “Mamama.”

“Nicolau!” Alexia replies with just as much enthusiasm, cupping his cheeks. She kisses his nose, and then his forehead, and then his chubby knees and socked feet. “Nicolau, sí, la mama et té a las mans! Bon noi, el meu bon i intel·ligent noi.”

“Does that count?”

“Mama,” Nico repeats, tugging your earlobe. “Mama. Mama.” It is easy to forget about the (lessening) resentment you harbour when he speaks. Alexia gets him to say it as many times as she can before he goes back to his carrot, but, even then, the two of you stay in that spot, marvelling at your creation.

Slowly, she turns around in a circle, absorbing the plain walls and towers of boxes. “This is going to be good. Life is going to be good,” you declare with such a firmness that it has to be true. “Darling, let’s get to unpacking and then we can think about a date for this dinner party.”

“We are going to plan the party?” She raises her eyebrows at you. “Is this party going to start at five o’clock?”

“Not all of us shit yellow and red.” (In a national sense – you’d have haemorrhoids for United any day of the week.)

Alexia takes Nico off you, in a show of cultural dominance. You’re actually outnumbered, considering he isn’t a British Citizen, and though he shares no DNA with your wife, he has inherited the same ability to narrow his eyes just enough to serve absolute cunt whenever he so pleases. If you weren’t feeling so ganged up on, you’d be a little impressed. “Nico y yo vamos a hacer croquetas de jamón. Adiós.”

“Darling, the kitchen isn’t–” But you cut yourself off, deciding that she can discover that on her own, along with the criminally empty fridge. You don’t hide your smugness at all when she finds you in your almost-finished bedroom, wearing a look of utter disappointment and mumbling out a heartbroken request for a food delivery as soon as possible.

…

November marks three years of being together and, also, four weeks of having Alexia’s ‘DNA’ – a pomeranian called Nala, whose Instagram account is run by her favourite parent after you called it silly and told your wife you’d much rather attend to your own seventeen million followers.

Towards the end of the month, after a well-spent morning and then a family outing to Barcelona Zoo, Alexia meets Jenni Hermoso in a restaurant in what Jenni calls ‘your new rich-people neighbourhood’ in her text to Alexia.

Alexia, really and truly, is happy to have her best friend back in Barcelona. She missed her last year, when Jenni had returned to Atleti, and that separation maybe made what happened the night Spain was knocked out of the World Cup just that bit more understandable. “You’re a Culer, no matter how hard you try to fight it,” Alexia had said when she had climbed back into her own bed, not wanting to fall asleep in Jenni’s arms. “It was terrible to not have Y/n or you.”

You and Jenni: Alexia’s people.

“How’s your wife?” Jenni asks with a grin, two glasses of wine into a pleasant evening at an expensive restaurant. “You’ve left her with Nico, so something must be working.”

In truth, you have been determined to get better. There were articles released not long after the photos of your wedding were circulated, and those speculated a lot about how you are finding motherhood. The baby pictured, captured by long-range lenses and invasive drones, was the world’s first glimpse at what Nico Putellas L/n looks like, and reminded many of them that you had a child to care for when in London, yet were frequently spotted at nightclubs and parties. You rise to most challenges, however, and find it a lot easier to adapt to weekly therapy sessions and pills every morning when you have a wrongful image to disprove.

“It’s as if it never happened,” Alexia says, both with pride and surprise. “She now seeks to spend time with him. She takes him with her to the recording studio – the album’s coming along well.” It’s your first on your own. Nico plays with one mixing desk, while Dave (flown in from London with the promise that the Barcelona sun will do wonders for his wife’s misery) plays with another. “And… Jenni, we’ve been talking. The clinic that we used for Nico asked us if we wanted to reserve sperm when we first had him, and now they have called asking if now is a good time. I think… I think that she is really considering it. She told me yesterday that her therapist wants me to sit in on the next session, so we can go over how we can make this time different.”

Jenni frowns, which is not what the woman opposite her had expected at all. “Why are you two having more children? You’re only twenty-five, Ale. Isn’t this going to affect your career?”

“The men do it all the time.” She’s done a spot of research. They are younger than her when their girlfriends start getting pregnant, and they continue to play with the added admiration that they are fathers as well.

“Yes, but they have the benefit of getting paid millions. They don’t have to fight with their federation for pitches or pay, and they can focus on football without their career sparking controversy for even existing.”

“Then my children will grow up with a mother who fights for change.”

“Or they grow up with a pop star who only wants things she cannot have and a footballer who can’t spend any time with them because she is too busy speaking at various conventions so that the next league match isn’t cancelled.”

“Jenni, do you think your opinion would be different if Y/n was a man?”

This elicits laughter from the other woman, who rolls her eyes in a way that can only be described as condescending. “Alexia, you’re forgetting that I’m a lesbian too, which is a magnificent feat.” Jenni references the kiss they shared, and what happened after that. “But, no. I don’t. I want you to be the greatest footballer in the world, and you want that too. What are you going to do when Y/n tells you she wants to move back to England? Are you going to give up your future here for her?”

The waiter interrupts briefly, collecting their empty plates and carting them off with a mission to retrieve the bill after a sharply declined offer for the dessert menu. “You don’t even know if that will happen,” Alexia scoffs, though she is a little sad that her exciting news hasn’t been well-received. “I was going to say that I’d think about the name Jennifer if it ends up being a girl, but now I’m leaning more towards María…”

She is kicked under the table, and she has to hold in her cry of pain because this restaurant is one of your favourite places to eat. “Mapi cannot have this victory over me. She’d be insufferable. Ale, you simply aren’t allowed to do that.” There’s another kick, but it is more playful this time.

Alexia laughs, smiling and thankful that the tension has diffused. “I’m only joking. Y/n has a list scribbled in the back of her lyric book. She’ll probably be called Elena.” That is much more acceptable to Jenni’s ears, and she files that information away for next year, when she’ll tell Mapi that Alexia doesn’t like her name.

…

It works. Alexia and you are lucky. The doctor tells Alexia that, if she were a man, the two of you would have to be extremely careful. Your wife marvels at your ability to destroy your body and stay fertile, but she supposes that you are not the kind of woman to be a lesbian. Sometimes, she wakes up in a cold sweat, believing that you have changed your mind and left her.

The New Year is a fresh start. Alexia decides to fix the (not so) hidden cracks in your relationship. She confides in her newly-acquired therapist. She may have made a mistake once; the secret is sandwiched between her worries about your susceptibility to depression and how Nico is a decided food critic.

Though the therapist, a lovely bilingual woman named Sofía, raises her eyebrows, she does not pry. She slides a paper calling card over to Alexia. The paper squeaks along the coffee table between the two comfortable armchairs of the office. “I specialise in couples. Seeing as your wife is already a client of mine, I think you should consider a joint session.” Alexia is new to the idea of mental health. Before, she had been too focused on football to care about it. Even when her father died, any professional she spoke to was only hearing how her mind worked because she knew it was what was best for her performance. “And, Alexia.” She looks up at the therapist with a small, nervous smile. “Congratulations on the pregnancy. I am sure Nico will make a wonderful older brother.”

Morning sickness drags you out of your shared bed most days.

Alexia asks you about couples’ therapy when you have finished your dry-heaving one morning.

“I mean,” you begin before pausing, gulping down the sour taste in your mouth and hoping nothing else is trying to hit the toilet water until tomorrow. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise.” She is dressed in her training kit, but she slings her jumper over your shoulders as soon as you shiver. “Do you think it’s a good idea?”

“It would do no harm.” As long as Sofía does not bring up Alexia’s confession, your statement will ring true. “You book the appointment. It’ll be easier to work around your schedule that way.”

“When are you flying back to London?” Her question is not filled with hatred for the city, but with resignation to the fact that your job involves you being stretched between here and there.

“Not until next month. I thought that I could take Nico to an away game with my dad if I got a flight for Saturday. The rest of the week would be interviews and photoshoots.”

“How’s the album doing?”

So far, your songs are only written when Alexia has paid you enough attention to swirl your thoughts and blur your vision. It is in these moments that the lingering, sinking weight inside of you dissipates. “Dave remains hopeful. It won’t fail, but I need it to be better than what we currently have.”

Shamelessly, Alexia is aware of her effect on your songs. She smirks; “Alba has been begging to babysit, you know.” With no care for your current state, Alexia’s eyes rake up and down your body. You grow embarrassed by how you are slumped over the toilet, and how she is standing above you as though she runs your world. “You look beautiful, mi amor,” she murmurs as you bashfully duck your head between your bent arms.

“You’re a flirt.” It feels too late for her to still be in the flat. “And you’re going to miss training if you don’t get a move on. There are eggs in the fridge, and Nico definitely liked the omelette you made him a few days ago. He’ll be waking up soon.”

A small sigh escapes the midfielder’s lips, but the prospect of the things she loves most in the world appearing in her life consecutively is enough to convince her to pad her way out the bathroom, swanning into the corridor with a little grin on her face as she sings out ‘bon dia’ to an impressively multilingual toddler and heads into the kitchen with the domestic intention of getting breakfast started. She leaves an omelette out for you, which you attack shortly after Alexia and Nico disappear into their daily routine. She drops him off at preschool, and you pick him up a few hours later, taking him first for lunch with Alba, and then to the studio.

You come home to a showered Alexia who is memorising her most recent match. She lets Nico slide into her lap without hesitation, but she stays focused on the football even when he tugs on the strands of hair falling out of ponytail. You marvel at the idea of having enough room in your heart for so much love. You decide that you are not like Alexia, though it is not necessarily a terrible thing. A further observation from watching your wife settle her son with a calm, muttered Catalan telling-off, coaxing him into loving football as though he does not already, is that you are so very content with your life at the moment.

But 2020 kind of sucks.

For the entire world.

You’re cut off from your home in any other manner than a digital one, and being stuck in a luxurious penthouse in Barcelona isn’t the worst fate, but it really isn’t ideal.

Elena, however, has the benefit of coming into the world with ever (physically) present parents, who could recite the java script for Zoom given that they spend hours on therapy calls. Elena, bright and smiley and the picture of her mother, spends the first few months of her life in a happy, happy family, protected by an entire football team and a fierce older brother. (And a yappy Pomerianian called Nala.)

“Y/n doesn’t like the name María,” Jenni tells Mapi when Alexia sends the first picture of your new addition to the Barcelona group chat.

“The next baby is going to be a Jennifer,” Mapi says, to both the forward and the unimpressed midfielder walking a few paces in front of such a silly conversation. “For that, I can only feel sorry for her.”

…

The routine changes the following year.

It starts with an abrupt but expected conversation. One that Alexia has been dreading.

Your album – the first one that is just you – was released two months ago, and it has done too well. Selfishly, Alexia had hoped it would fail. You have enough money, and she is earning more and more each season. Success, unfortunately, means that this little life can no longer exist. Or can it?

“I have to do it,” you whisper to her, tears in your eyes though the smell of sex still lingers. The quietness of a child-free apartment allows for you to hear her gulp. “It’ll be different this time, darling, but I can’t be here anymore. I can’t fly out to London every few days. I can’t leave you with a five-month-old and a toddler when you are training every day and playing matches every weekend. It’s not fair on anyone.”

Alexia kisses your bare shoulder, hands slipping round your waist as she pulls your sweaty body into her. Her chest presses against your back, but she is only behind you in this bed. She does not agree with you. She does not support it. But, like she always does, she bites her tongue. “If that’s what you want,” she replies, and part of you dies with the thought that she does not really care. “I love you. I want what’s best for you. For us.” And she tells Jenni all about it when she goes to see her a week later – the flimsy excuse of meeting a childhood friend for dinner enough to wrap a cloth around your eyes and leave you at home with a screaming toddler and a baby whose only flaw is that she grows distraught the moment she is put down.

In the dimly lit living room, the tension hangs thick in the air. You lock eyes. “Why can't you just move with us? Everyone will want you, darling, and life would be easier,” you plead, a month down the line. The house in Highgate has been readied for your more permanent return.

Alexia takes a deep breath, her gaze unwavering. “Why can't you get it into your head that I'm not leaving Spain or Barcelona? This is my home.”

“What about the children? School? Life? My career? Does it mean nothing to you?”

Her eyes soften. Your heart breaks, and the piece of you that has already died somehow dies again. “I'm thinking of the children. All the time, I think of them. About the reputation of my name – their name. Putellas, the greatest in the world, or Putellas, the one with potential wasted at West Ham?”

“You're being selfish, Lex,” you snap. “This is an opportunity for all of us, not just me. Think about their future!”

“Their future is here, in the culture they know, the languages they speak. I won't strip them of their identity for the sake of a 'better' life. And my career? I've worked too hard to build what I have here. I won't throw it away.” I don’t want to throw it away. Underscored by Don’t leave me again.

The room echoes with the weight of her voice. “Their identity comes from both of us.” It’s too final for either of your liking. Elena begins to cry in her cot. “I want to try it. I want you to be open to trying it.”

She gestures to the suitcases by the door. “Trying it and doing it are two different things. You’re taking them from me!”

“You’re probably going to love life without them anyway!” you shout. You feel like the crying baby, except the tears rolling down your cheeks carry much more suffering than hers. “You’ll – what? You’ll go out with your friends, and you’ll be able to go to the gym whenever you want. No arguing, no crying, no toddler to entertain, no nappies to change. You never wanted children. I forced it upon you. I regret it, and I’m sorry. We’ll go.”

“Don’t go.”

I don’t want you to go.

“I have to.”

You turn your back to her as you fly through the corridor, prepared to console Elena in a taxi. Alexia slips her ring off her finger, and clutches it in her palm instead. Desperately, she searches for a solution. There is nothing within her reach, not even you.

…

She is an island amongst a sea of happy people. She is going to be the greatest footballer in the world. It kills her to realise that she can now focus on football.

Nico starts nursery, attending the same school you once did. He adjusts to life in London seamlessly, and Elena does not seem to care either way. He learns more English every day, and his other mother calls him nightly to read to him.

With childcare more than sorted, you are free to be interviewed, pictured, and invited to events. You rake in the publicity, especially after laying so slow over the course of the lockdown in Spain.

“Alexia.” Jenni’s hands knead her tight shoulders, partly teasing her. Alexia wears a frown, eyebrows knitting together with an emotion she’s not sure she can name. “Ale, it’s the same game as always. Nothing has changed.”

“I know,” she murmurs. “I don’t understand why I feel like this.” She has continued to speak to Sofía, though your joint sessions have now come to a halt while you spend your time doubling as a singer and model. The therapist, try as she might, cannot evaluate the situation effectively enough. Eli and Alba have both tried to help, hoping that weekly dinners and the constant reminder about the invention of aeroplanes would ease the turmoil of Alexia’s mind. It does not. “I am so alone, Jenni.”

Nala is too small to fill the emptiness of the flat. Screens don’t allow for her to kiss you, or play with Nico. She is scared she will miss Elena’s first words.

“You don’t have to be.”

It only takes a month for Alexia to break, and it sort of works.

In Jenni’s bed, it works. Hips keening, soft pants falling from her mouth.

Quiet moans that stay locked in Jenni’s apartment.

Each time Alexia leaves, though Jenni repeatedly requests that she stays, she walks out as half a woman. She blinks back her tears and she checks her phone. When she calls you – not a video call – you are never any the wiser to the scratches down her back.

Alexia remains an island, but the sand beaches are tainted with the arrival of someone else.

In this way, she is functional.

She can do sex. She can deal with borderline romance. She can fill the space that you are tearing open with every passing minute spent in that god-awful country you insist on calling home. She can fix it a little bit with Jenni.

She tells herself that it does not mean anything more than a bandage means to a wound. Who wears the bandage once the gash has healed?

Where does she put the used bandage?

Why is she focused on bandages?! She’s having an affair. It’s not an affair! (It is.) Alexia doesn’t… quite… wanttoadmititjustyet.

…

The buzz of your phone is the final push that gets you to conclude the current interview you are trapped in. Before checking what the notification is, you glance at the time. You have half an hour before you need to pick up Nico, and your parents said they would drop Elena home once they returned from London Zoo.

Alexia: Jenni has had a really good idea

It’s an intriguing text amongst the more practical ones that oil the mechanics of managing the distance. Tonight, Barcelona play their last match of the season. After this, she’ll be flying out to London. You have missed her. The last time you saw her in person was after Barcelona embarrassed Chelsea in Gothenburg. Elated and filled with pride, it was incredibly nice to have the biggest room in the hotel to yourselves. Her medal was almost as beautiful as her.

You: Go on…

Alexia: Just draw a heart on Nico’s hand from me porfa. You’ll see.

You slide into the driver’s seat of your newest self-indulgent car; a Porsche. Momentarily distracted by a camera flash, your turn onto the main road is a little risky, but you manage to make it to the school in time to collect your son.

“Was he good?” you ask his teacher as she hands you Nico’s book bag. You take in the sight of him: hair messy, school uniform stained though they require the little ones to wear aprons for most of the day. “It’s a little different here. I’m hoping that he’s enjoying himself.”

“Our new assistant is from Spain,” says the teacher with a small, tired smile, batting her long eyelashes at you. “We had to pry him off her.”

You let out a laugh. “He misses his mum.”

“He’s extremely intelligent. He knew to speak Spanish to her and English to us.” Though your grasp of Spanish is near-fluent after such reluctance from your wife to try English, you know that the two-year-old has a talent for juggling the three languages he is growing up around. You’re proud of him. “You shouldn’t worry about him. And, speaking of, we have a parents’ coffee morning just around the corner. It’s always great for the parents to get along – it helps the school feel even more like a family. Will it just be you attending?” Nico’s teacher is around your age, and you can smell her rose perfume that mingles with the soft hint of ready-mixed paint. She has deep, brown eyes, and she is definitely flirting with you.

“Next week, right? I’ll have to check with my wife.”

It’s then that a toddler-sized hand grips your fingers and tugs. “Mama, me voy,” he groans; something akin to Alexia’s impatience. It reminds you of when you used to go shopping and she’d herd you out with the threat of getting in the car and driving away. “Venga.”

“One sec, sweetheart.” There are countless ways in which you miss Alexia. “My wife and I would love to come.”

Her smile does not falter on her lips, but there is a greyish disappointment that dulls the warmth of her irises. You smile as you turn your back and lead Nico to the car. You are so excited for Alexia to complete the broken puzzle.

You melt when she kisses the heart drawn onto her hand when celebrating her goal. Nico copies her, lips pursing and sloppily mimicking the action on a similar heart. “For you, sweetheart,” you tell him as he settles back into your side, careful not to jostle Elena who has fallen asleep on your chest (the therapist did wonders for you).

“It was for you,” Jenni tells Alexia after the match. Her goal is now serving as the move Alexia feared she’d make. They have changed and been massaged and done the media the are required to do (women’s football is growing): they are free to roam Barcelona if they so wish.

Her flight is tomorrow evening – “I have a flight tomorrow evening.”

“Come over tonight.” It isn’t a question, yet it is not quite a command. Mapi passes the two of them, eyes narrowing at the way Jenni has wrapped her hand around Alexia’s wrist. The defender is aware that something is going on, though it breaks her heart to imagine Alexia ever doing that to you. Not knowing they are being watched, Alexia steps in; cups Jenni’s face, brushes her cheekbone with a stroke of her thumb Mapi knows is meant for her wife. Mapi’s stomach lurches. She feels sick.

“I need to…” It’s not a ‘no’. “Jenni.” She hates that it is not a ‘no’.

“Ale.” There’s a beat. Mapi blinks twice, shakes her head, and backs away. “I’ll miss you, you know?”

…

Jenni doesn’t seem to mind when, the next day, blurry pictures of you on a family outing make rounds through the tabloids she usually doesn’t read. The fact that, up until now, no one has known that your wife is Alexia Putellas has no effect on her. She was stupid for thinking the last six months meant something. Winning together, losing together. Sleeping together.

In this deal, Alexia has fucked over both women who love her. Except, you don’t know. She hasn’t told you, though Jenni had hoped for it secretly – hoped Alexia chose her – and it is obvious. Obvious to Jenni, who is well acquainted with the blonde hair in the wings of your concert at the O2. Obvious to Jenni, who refuses to think of herself as the other woman.

She consults Mapi.

Mapi, who she has come to shamefully realise already knows.

“I can’t believe the two of you.” The defender is clear in her distaste and disappointment and, honestly, her disgust. “But I am not going to be the one to break that poor girl’s heart.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

What is she asking? What does she want from this utterly useless conversation?

“Mapi.” Jenni closes her eyes, but she sees two faces instead of darkness. Nico. Elena. She’s Elena’s godmother. You decided that – convinced Alexia to choose her best friend over her younger sister, told your wife that there’d be another for Alba to corrupt. “Mapi, I love her. I don’t know what to do.”

“She loves her wife.” The next sentence proceeds to brutally remind Jenni who that isn’t. “Tell her you’re done. Find someone else. Anyone but her.”

That is Jenni’s resolve, because she knows that Mapi is right.

…

June, July, and August pass with bliss.

Everyone says that you are a beautiful couple with beautiful children. Alexia beams with pride as she flaunts her practised English, and gladly claims ownership of Nico when he wins a prize on speech day. Every child in Reception is awarded something but that doesn’t stop her from boasting.

She explores the country with the children while you shack up in the recording studio, and brings hugs and kisses (and Red Bull) every evening after dinner. The visits are what reminds you of the sun Alexia brings, especially as the warmth follows her from Barcelona and London is blessed with golden days. Dog days.

“This isn’t permanent.” Alexia looks up from her phone, comfortable in your bed. The house in Highgate has flecks of Spain woven into the decor now, and you like it that way.

You climb into the bed beside her, and her arm lifts so that you can snuggle into her chiselled stomach (wow, she has been working hard this season). “What’s Jenni saying?” you ask, following your statement and hoping you’ll get her attention. She presses her phone screen into the duvet before you can translate the message – it is too long of a paragraph for you to handle. “Anyway, I wanted to tell you that this isn’t permanent.”

Alexia, over the past few months, has been the most affectionate, loving, amazing person with the same smile and giggle you married. You thought she had disappeared and was replaced with stern, career-focused Alexia Putellas, jugadora del fútbol. You were wrong.

“I’m thinking January is when we’ll come back. Nico’s English will survive.” Your parents are going travelling. They’ve never been on the Orient Express before. “I want to be with you.”

It is a good thing Jenni has just broken up with her.

“I love you,” you continue. “So much.”

Alexia hums. Her heart breaks, and she does not know for whom. “¿En serio?” She is happy, she thinks. Certainly, she is glad that the four of you will be reunited.

You are.

January 2022 ruins things for Jenni Hermoso. She calls Pachuca back.

#barca femeni #woso fanfics #woso x reader #woso #fc barcelona #woso imagines #mapi leon #jenni hermoso #alexia putellas x reader #alexia putellas

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fairyhaos · 1 year

Text

how seventeen deal with your period cramps

requested by anon: "Would it be ok for you to write : How would Seventeen react and help with bad period cramps ? (I am currently on my period and its killing me... I can barely stay up, cramps are hurting as hell, I have nausea, hell I feel the worst...)"

notes: tw for menstruation pain, reader therefore has a uterus

masterlist

seungcheol:

tbh he's kinda a little bit Clueless, but he tries his best. cannot fathom the amount of pain you're in, but he does his research and immediately jumps up to boil water for a hot water bottle the second you tell him you're on your period. is confused by the idea of pre-menstrual syndrome n thinks that it's very unfair: bc you can be in pain???? even before the actual menstruation itself???? that sounds terrible :((( always has his arms open for a hug

jeonghan:

spots its arrival better than you. can tell when your period is coming like some sort of seer. has a cupboard full of chocolates and snacks which he stocks up constantly and allows you to take your pick of whatever you feel like having when you're on your period. insists that you don't have to do anything while you're going through the worst of your cramps, tells you to just lie down w the hot water bottle he made for you n he'll do whatever you need okay?

joshua:

you Need to tell this man whenever your period starts bc otherwise he'll get upset that his calendar is all messed up :(( i firmly believe shua is the typa guy to keep track of your schedules for you, even if your cycle isn't regular. does Everything you want. you wanna eat a whole tub of Celebrations? he's rooting for you. need to cry bc the world is just too frustrating? tell him what movie you wanna cry to, he'll stream it illegally if that's what it takes. will probably also end up crying w you, but hey, we love a supportive guy <3

junhui:

curses the menstruation gods every time you tell him you're having cramps again. is essentially trying to stuff you full of painkillers the entire day bc he hates the idea of you being in pain </3 wanted to buy one of those period cramp simulator machines to see how bad it was for you, ended up chickening out when you told him vv seriously that it was like being thrown into the pits of hell. isn't allowed near the kettle to boil water for you (due to previous Mishaps), so he'll give you a pillow to put over your stomach and hug you in his arms for warmth

hoshi:

is confused for all of two seconds every time you tell him you're having rlly bad cramps (again?? didn't you have them last month??) before it clicks in his head. coos and baby-talks to you, offering his shoulder for you to sleep on if the physical contact will help. builds you a pillow fort to get comfortable in practically every single time. you had a really bad headache one month, and so now he's constantly talking in a hoarse whisper when your cramps are bad

wonwoo:

he's not Entirely sure what to do, but he does know that period pain can often manifest itself in mood swings, so he's always extra caring and considerate around your time of the month. will Let himself be yelled at if you do end up getting frustrated, then will hug you and pat your hair to help you calm down after. makes hot water for all the hot water bottles that you're ever gonna need.

woozi:

makes sure you take your painkillers on time, and also makes sure you eat. he's heard from his mom that loss of appetite can happen often during periods, especially when cramps are bad, and so he encourages you to eat foods with lots of magnesium and nitrates in it. will hug you if the cramps are really bad and you're practically crawling to him in tears. will probably hug you even if you're only pouting and talking in a sad voice tho, tbh.

minghao:

he researched that milk chocolate and white chocolate increase cramps pain, and so now he only ever gives you dark chocolate that's 60% cacao and above. has encouraged you to take up meditation when you're not on your period, saying it'll help strengthen you. you're still not entirely sure it's working, but then again, it's better to try than not. swaddles you in fluffy blankets and cushions bc seungcheol stole the hot water bottle to help with his indigestion or something

mingyu:

he's a lil confused, but he means well. carries you bridal-style everywhere you wanna go. searched up the types of foods best to eat to help with period cramps, and cooks food with lots and lots of spinach in it. regardless of whether you like it or not, because it's good for you and makes you feel better. spoon-feeds you the soup he makes, asks if it's making you feel warm inside with his adorable bright eyes

dokyeom:

has a little corner in the bottom of his wardrobe full of sanitary pad packages, bc one time he panicked when you asked him to buy you some and practically cleared the whole shelf of them. also has like 3 boxes of chocolates stacked on top of them bc of that same time where he panicked and ended up buying too many. as a result, always has supplies whenever you need them. is a little clueless too, but he's willing to help w lots of hugs and warmth!!

seungkwan:

Knows your menstruation cycle for you. frets if you're a few of days early or a few of days late. if you have an irregular cycle, then oh god he's analysing everything to see if there's any sort of pattern. ngl he's a little nervous of you when you're on your period, but he's always ready to open his arms for you to draw you in for a hug if you need. starts crying if you end up crying bc of the pain/ mood swings, bc he's an empath okay n he feels your pain so bad

vernon:

i get the feeling he's like. the hidden pro at dealing with cramps. you tell him that you're hurting, and he's already boiled the kettle to make you a hot water bottle, arms laden with snacks and blankets and do you wanna come into his room to relax and watch the new movie he's fixated on or do you wanna just go to your room by yourself and sleep? big encourager of sleeping through cramps, bc he swears it helps so much and actually. he is so right it really does

chan:

went through like five different brands of paracetamol with you during your previous cramps to see which one was the best n lasted the longest. steals the expensive chocolates from mingyu's stash bc really, the guy has far too much and it's more deserving to go to you when you're in pain and also pls share w him as a thankyou for getting them for you. offers to run you a bubble bath to help you relax, often forgets about the bath while he's doing other stuff and almost makes it overflow

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hannieehaee · 6 months

Text

18+ / mdi

content: friends(?) to lovers, one sided pining (kinda), a lil angsty, smut, f reader, oral (f receiving), penetrative sex, etc.

pairing: joshua x reader

wc: 3369

masterlist

you had first met joshua a few months ago when jeonghan walked him up to your established meeting place in the university's cafeteria. it was a common thing for him to bring strays (as he liked to call them) upon befriending them with his very particular and friendly personality. joshua had been the latest addition; an overly pretty boy with the manners of an angel and with a humour similar to that of jeonghan's, making them the perfect pair.

despite now having been in the same friend group for a few months, joshua never really seemed to like you much. he's never made it overtly obvious, nor has he ever said anything mean (at least to your face), but has still made it clear with his lack of interest towards you in comparison to how friendly and invested he's always been with everyone else in the group.

you, on the other hand, had always taken a special interest to the pretty guy jeonghan decided to introduce to your friend group a few months ago. you'd always tried to make friendly conversation with him, always asking him for his opinion on things and trying to make him feel as included as possible. your efforts always seemed to be fruitless, however, as he would often give you monosyllabic answers or straight up ignore you in order to talk to someone else in the group. you never understood the root of his attitude, but you also never let his attitude deter you, having a bit of a crush on the guy, and thus never wanting to give up hope.

you hoped that as his birthday approached you'd be able to find some one-on-one time to give him his gift (a guitar, which yes, might be a little too much for a guy who clearly doesnt like you, but enough for a conversation-starter), and maybe have a chance to talk to him a little bit.

when the day finally arrived, you knew jeonghan would go all out with the party he prepared for his friend, as he always did. so, you dressed up prettily for joshua, wanting to finally have some of his (positive) attention after feeling ostracized by him in your own friend group. you mightve been slightly over dressed, but who was gonna beat your ass over it anyway?

showing up as soon as possible, you knocked the door to jeonghan's and a few of your other friends' shared house, being welcomed in by the owner himself. he chuckled as soon as he saw you, eyeing you up and down, "is that for joshua?", he smirked, taking notice of your dress and fully glammed face.

"shut up. its a party, of course i'm dressing up for a party," you knew it was a dumb excuse, having attended multiple of jeonghan's parties before in less favorable outfits, but you were NOT going to be bullied out of getting joshua's attention dick tonight.

you pushed past him, bumping his shoulder jokingly before entering the buzzing party, going straight to looking for the man of the hour, dropping your gift off with the rest of the pile. it wasnt until half an hour into your arrival (and two drinks later) that you had found joshua. he had his hair slicked back and was wearing a button up that made him look irresistible. his attention was occupied by hoshi and mingyu, who seemed to be challenging him to take some shots.

well, there was no time like the present, you thought before decidedly marching his way.

mingyu's eyes widened at your presence, "holy shit, __. you look amazing. whats with the dress?", well shit. you guess maybe you did overdress a bit.

"shut up, i always dress like this," you lie roll your eyes in response, not fully minding your friend. "hey, josh, i was wondering if-"

"uh wait, i gotta go say hi to some people," he interrupted you distractedly before bolting away almost immediately.

your friends, well aware of your crush, couldnt help but feel sad to see how easily joshua dismissed you any time you approached him. even as you had showed up to his party dressed to the nines and with a thoughtful gift, "listen, __, you shouldnt take it to heart. he's just a stoic guy," mingyu tries to reason as soonyoung nods while pouring himself another drink.

after regretfully indulging in the impromptu pity party, you attempted to find josh again only to be met with the same outcome. this continued to happen a few more times through the night. you'd arrive to whichever part of the house joshua was at, only to be met with his instant departure, which was clearly caused by your mere presence. disheartened didnt begin to describe how you felt. you'd done everything thus far to fix whatever had destroyed your friendship with joshua before it had even started, but josh wouldnt even give you the time of day.

you were finally able to catch him alone just as you were giving up on your plan for the night. you had said goodbye to a few friends and prepared to leave with your tail between your legs when you caught a glimpse of joshua stepping into what you assumed to he his room. alone. like any irrational person, you sneakily walked towards the door and opened it, stepping in as quiet as possible, closing it behind you.

upon hearing the sound of the door, joshua turned around, tilting his head in confusion at you, "what are you doing in my room?"

"uhh," okay you didnt think this through. but hey! now you had him alone!

"can you get out? i have to change my shirt. mingyu spilled beer on this one," he sighs, muttering the longest sentence he had ever spoken to you, his back to you as he unbuttoned his shirt.

you stood there, only thinking about how you were buzzed and in a room alone with an almost shirtless joshua. in a movie this wouldve been the perfect time to-

"listen. i dont want to be rude. but you have to stop doing this. i dont know how else to get you to take a hint," he halted his unbuttoning as he turned towards you upon realizing you had not left the room like he'd asked.

"what?"

"i get that we're in the same friend group or whatever, but that doesnt mean we have to be friends. ive tried to keep my distance but it doesnt seem to work."

oh.

you had thought he was just indifferent and maybe slighting uncomfortable towards you, but it seemed like there was something deeper behind the way he constantly avoided you.

"i ... is there something i did to offend you?"

"does there have to be?"

"i-i mean, yeah?", well, since your hopes with joshua were already fucked, there was no point in holding back with any questions, "its customary to have a reason to hate someone."

"hate? who said hate? i dont hate you," he dared to draw shock onto his face at the mention of the word, "and either way, its not important."

you were beginning to get peeved off at his carelessness about the issue. and you were also still buzzed from the extra drinks mingyu and hoshi had fed you when comforting you earlier, so you decided to just give it to him.

"joshua. i dont know what type of shitty communication issues you may have grown up with, but some petty one-sided beef with me is not a valid reason to ostracize me from a friend group i was part of first. you ignore me, you roll your eyes at me, you know that i like you and you just dont care to consider my feelings even a little bit by showing the tiniest ounce of politeness towards me. you let me embarrass myself over and over again by blatantly rejecting any type of interaction regardless of how innocent it may be. whatever it is that i did, just fucking say it so we can move on and i can salvage my dignity at least a little bit," you felt a weight off your chest, finally admitting both to yourself and to joshua how his repeated rejection has continued to hurt you since you first met him a few months ago.

"you dont even remember, do you?"

what?

"remember what?"

he scoffs, taking a seat on the side of his bed, looking up at you, "you don't remember knowing me in high school?"

what??

you had gone to high school in a different country. you were pretty sure none of your friends even remembered what school you went to prior to university.

"we went to the same high school. we knew each other back then. you really dont remember?"

"i-what? joshua, we've never met before jeonghan introduced us?"

"yeah, thats not true. you knew me. pretty well, actually. or well, i guess the other way around," he chuckled sadly, taking a pause, "i used to have a huge crush on you in high school. we sat next to each other in biology, and you'd ask to copy my notes almost every day. we were friends. or at least i liked to think so," he paused, "that is, until you got a boyfriend. liam? i think?"

well, that part checked out. you did date your high school crush for a few months in junior year.

"after that," he continued, "you pretty much just cut me off. you started ignoring me when i said hi in the hallways, partnered with someone else for bio, moved your locker away from mine ..." he took a pause, sighing as he looked down, "... laughed in my face when i asked you to junior prom even though i knew you had a boyfriend..."

oh. everything he was saying checked out as true. he suddenly reminded you of that phase in high school were you had turned into a bit of a mean girl upon scoring the quarterback at school, but joshua wasnt there for any of this, that was jisoo, the nerdy foreign exchange student who- OH.

"you're jisoo?!"

"yeah," chuckling with no real emotion behind it, "i stopped going by that when i moved back to korea. i felt like an idiot crushing on the only girl who was nice to me in high school and getting brutally rejected in front of everyone, so i cut my stay short and tried to start brand new back in korea."

jesus christ.

you had always regretted the last interaction you'd had with jisoo, feeling so ashamed you removed it from your memory, scolding yourself every time it came back to you. you knew jisoo had ended up moving away before senior year, but you hadnt known you were one of the reasons for it. you'd never felt shittier than at this moment.

speechless, you took a seat on the bed next to him, unable to meet his eyes.

"joshua, i'm so so-"

"dont. its fine. i dont know why ive held onto that grudge for so long. its been so many years."

"so you recognized me when jeonghan introduced us? oh my god, does jeonghan know? do any of them?!", you hadnt thought about how your friends would feel about this til now.

"yes. and no. i recognized you immediately, but i still felt so embarrassed after what happened i thought i should just pretend i didnt. but i was still mad, specially knowing you did that to me but didnt even remember," although his words hurt you, he didnt sound angry, but moreso solemn.

"joshua. fuck. i know you dont wanna hear this, but i'm so sorry. i always regretted what i did. you didnt deserve that. you were always so nice to me and i let popularity and my ex's stupid clique get to me. i was young and an idiot. i know thats not a good excuse, but i hope you know i've never forgotten about you. you just look so different, i'm sorry i didnt realize you were jisoo earlier," as you spoke, you got up and neared the door, turning to look at him one last time as you swallowed back tears at your shame, "i understand if you hate me. you can tell the guys the truth. they think you hate me for no reason, but they deserve to know what really happened."

you were about to leave when he spoke up again, causing you to look back at his figure that was now standing in front of you.

"i already told you. i dont hate you. its so .. i hate that i dont hate you. i didnt want to lose the first group of friends i ever made, so i thought i could just put up with it and stay as far as way from you as possible. but i still couldnt stop thinking about you."

you had nothing to say. there was nothing you could possibly say at him hitting you with one shocking statement after the other.

"its funny, isnt it?", he chuckled bitterly at himself, "i still like you even after all this."

"joshua-"

"did you ever like me? as jisoo, i mean. was .. what do you like about me that i didnt have as jisoo?", his gaze was now facing the floor due to the vulnerability of the situation, unable to meet your eyes

you could tell joshua was beginning to feel emotional, his speech appearing to be taking a turn to a self-deprecating expression of his old self.

despite knowing you might get rejected once more, you stepped towards him, putting your hands on his cheeks and forcing him to look at you.

"nothing. jisoo. you were as perfect then as you are now. i hate that i ever did this to you. dont let the stupid actions of a teenage girl make you think you were ever anything less than you are. i hope one day you'll forgi-"

that's as far as you were able to get before joshua suddenly closed the space between you with a kiss.

with eyes closed and furrowed brows, joshua put everything in himself into that kiss, expressing every pent up emotion he had felt towards you in the past years.

unable to help yourself, you grabbed onto his hair, pulling him as close as humanly possible and moaning loudly into the kiss as he tilted his head for a better angle. upon opening your mouth, he stuck his tongue inside, playing with yours and moving his hands down to your waist in order to push you as close as possible to him.

it continued on like this until you found yourself laying on his bed, him on top of you holding your hands over your head and exploring your mouth as he saw fit.

he pulled away suddenly, ripping off his beer-stained shirt as you caught on and pulled off the pretty red dress you had worn to catch his attention. he immediately ran his hands over your figure, excited to finally have the girl he had been crazy over in high school. the same one he had unknowingly pined after all these years.

he stripped off of his pants and ripped off your bra. gluing his mouth to your breasts as you whined his name, "jisoo. oh fuck jisoo, please," you couldnt help using his old name, feeling an even deeper emotional connection now that you knew joshua was the sweet boy who looked after you in high school.

taking his mouth away from your tits, joshua pulled himself off of you and got on his knees next to the bed, pulling you towards him by your thighs. he kissed and licked at your thighs, savoring the taste and smell of you.

"tell me," he demanded, staring up at you in a daze, "tell me how much you want me."

"j-jisoo. so bad. please, so bad."

"more," he kitten licked at you through your panties, making you whine and tense your thighs.

"jisoo, please. want you so bad. i'll do anything. just .. just touch me please!"

he dragged your panties down your thighs, pressing them to his nose like a deprived pervert and taking a breathy whiff at them, moaning at your scent.

"jisoo ..." you moaned at the depravity of the act, having never had someone express such nasty want towards you.

"fuck. so tasty. always wanted to know how pretty you smelled, baby. bet you taste even better," and with that he began going at your cunt like a mad man, burying his face between your legs and moaning whenever you'd grind on his face in desperation.

"jisoo! oh fuck, jisoo. dont stop fuck, please. i'm gonna cum- argh, shit."

your incessant moans and cries had him going crazy, wanting nothing more than to prove to you what you'd been missing all these years.

as soon as you came, joshua got up and discarded his boxers, grabbing a condom from his nightside table and climbing on top of you again, ready to enter you before you spoke up.

"wait."

"whats wrong?", he furrowed his brows worriedly

"i wanna ride you. can i?"

with no verbal response, he flipped you over, moaning at the pressure of your naked core pressed up against his dick, feeling as if his heartbeat had migrated to his nether area.

"jisoo ..." you said in an exaggerated moan as you began to grind on him, scratching up and down his chest, "wanna make it up to you," you breathed, lowering your face to his, "wanna show you how much i like you. how much i want you. how perfect you are and the things you do to me," you licked his lips as you said this, causing him to open his mouth for you, allowing your tongues to meld together in a mess of spit and open-mouthed moans.

you finally took the initiative of lowering yourself onto him, cringing at the intrusion at first but then finding the pleasure behind it. the stretch drove you crazy, making you throw your head back and move your hands to your nipples, rubbing them as you ground yourself back and forth atop joshua.

joshua couldnt believe his view. the girl he had fantasized about since high school. the girl who broke his heart and made him spiral into finding a new sense of self. the girl that took his breath away as soon as he found her again. the girl he tried to punish but was actually punishing himself. the girl that walked into his party and made him lose his mind all over again. the girl who has now making him lose all sense of reality as she rode him desperately trying to prove to him how his feelings were finally mutual.

it was easy for the both of you to find your ends with one another, having had pent up emotions for so long, your bodies were unable to hold back for too long.

you screamed his name as he began to thrust up, unwilling to let himself cum before you, "baby, give it to me again. show me how much you want me. fuck, give-give me what ive wanted all these years."

with that, you came, with him following closely after, finding nirvana almost simultaneously.

joshua made sure to take care of you. he cleaned you up and laid you down under his covers as he wrapped his himself around you, content to hold you in his arms after finally having you in the most intimate of ways. joshua felt love in this moment. he might have struggled through the issues that arose inside him after that fated day, but he felt a sense of contentment knowing his anger was misplaced, and that what he truly wanted all these years was just you.

"jisoo ..." you interrupted his thoughts once more, turning in his arms to face him. you rose your hand towards his cheek, caressing it softly, "icare about you. i hope you do know how much you mean to me. then and now."

he smiled at this, happy you understood and accepted his feelings. "i want to put it all behind us. you hurt me. i hurt you. but now i have you. it was all worth it if this is how it ended."

"happy birthday, jisoo. thank you for the new start."

a/n: i did proofread it this time but idk if it makes sense .. anyways hope u enjoy <3

#seventeen #seventeen fanfic #seventeen smut #seventeen x reader #svt #svt fanfic #svt smut #seventeen oneshot #seventeen imagine #svt x reader #joshua fanfic #joshua hong #joshua x reader #joshua smut #joshua oneshot

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palms-upturned · 1 year

Text

I’m not gonna jump in ppl’s notes over this bc lord knows I do not want to have a debate about it but seeing someone say “I have qualms about people calling Jean ableist for trying to fire Harry and in the same breath saying Harry is unfit for cop work” is really getting to me. I am practically on my knees begging people to actually engage with what disco elysium has to say about disability and addiction and ableism and policing and social murder because it’s not even subtextual, it’s as blatant and hand holding as it could possibly be. The 41st is an awful environment for Harry not bc him being disabled makes him incapable of doing his job, it’s bc the job is fucking hostile to his existence. Like, no one is “fit” to be a cop because they shouldn’t exist, firstly, and even Harry himself will say as much in the Ruby bad ending. But talking about Harry’s case specifically, we know that this job is part of what landed him where he is to begin with.

From the start of day 2:

ELECTROCHEMISTRY — You mean why are you so tired? Too tired and *down* to even think? It *is* worrying, isn't it. You can't be a detective like this -- detectives need to be able to think.

YOU — Why is this happening?

ELECTROCHEMISTRY — It's just that your heart has finally pumped all the *speed* out of your system, buster. Time to get some more.

YOU — Wait. What *is*... speed?

ELECTROCHEMISTRY — Speed is a potent central nervous system stimulant. It kept you propped up all day yesterday despite your debilitating hangover. How else did you think you even got up from this floor?

VOLITION — You got up from this floor because of a holy vow you made sixteen years ago. With *me*. To wake up exactly 07:30 every morning until the day you die.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY — Don't be silly. There was no vow. You were high on speed. That was the only reason you got up. You can't *detect* without it, it's that simple.

YOU — No. I can take this. I am not going to go looking for speed.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY — Are you sure? Ready to live as this pathetic shell of yourself for days? Basically a week? Let's be honest -- two weeks, maybe three? You won't make it. Half the town will be dead by then. You will be fired.

YOU — That's a lie. I can do this without the speed. Half the town won't be dead... (Opt out.)

ELECTROCHEMISTRY — Suit yourself, slow, sad shell-man. See how you do without your spark.

And from this talk with Kim in Klaasje’s room:

KIM KITSURAGI — "Amphetamine -- does it make you a better detective?"

SUGGESTION — Be honest. He's not grilling you, he just wants to know. Ask if he's ever wanted to take it too.

YOU — "Honestly, it makes me the detective I am. Have you thought of taking it too?"

KIM KITSURAGI — "Maybe I should?" He lets out a little pensive hum, rubbing his shoulder...

DRAMA — It's not insincere. He's actually giving it thought.

KIM KITSURAGI — "Doesn't the... pupils and the gurning jaw, the sweating... doesn't it become tiring after a while?"

YOU — "I understand it's unbecoming but if I don't perform this job well I am nothing. It's the price I pay."

Harry knows that the cost of getting sober would be that the precinct would let him go. They’re not going to have the patience to deal with him slowing down from the combo of withdrawal and no speed to “keep him propped up.” Not when the reason that he’s stayed on the force this long and risen in the ranks is most likely because he manages such a massive caseload, as we find out from Kim:

YOU — "Is two cases a week a good case load, lieutenant?"

KIM KITSURAGI — "Huh?" He raises his nose from his notes. "Two *complex* cases to undertake is a lot, yes. You *really* have to push yourself. I would not suggest it. Lest you start making mistakes."

YOU — "Two cases a week appears to have been my load, lieutenant. I'm not sure I completed them though."

KIM KITSURAGI — "Two?" He raises both eyebrows. "That's a lot. I didn't mean to say you're making mistakes, by the way. That was presumptuous of me."

And later:

KIM KITSURAGI — "This next row -- the one that wraps all the way around -- is your number of closed cases. *Closed* is good. It means finished. You've got, let's see..."

KIM KITSURAGI — "Wow, more than 200!"

YOU — "Is that a lot?"

KIM KITSURAGI — "It's *quite* a lot, even for someone who's been on the force for nearly two decades. Usually clearing more than 10 cases a year puts you in the 90th percentile of *all* RCM officers..."

Despite the trouble Harry makes, he’s considered an asset so long as he closes cases. To the point where he wasn’t punished for drunkenly beating Burke unconscious and then injuring his knee so badly that he can’t walk anymore just because this allowed them to close the “unsolvable case” of Leslie and Burke. 41 and the RCM as an institution don’t care about Harry’s or anyone else’s wellbeing, they care about whether the pros of having him around outweigh the cons.

From the lazareth call with Gottlieb:

YOU — "Isn't there *anything* you can do for me?"

NIX GOTTLIEB — "What, you want me to do blood work for you again, tell you just how bad things really are *across the board*? You want another rundown of everything collapsing inside your body?"

YOU — "Yes. I want the truth!"

NIX GOTTLIEB — "You want the real, honest-to-god truth? Stop drinking, eat magnesium and vitamin D. Our station is not a retirement home. We don't have the funds to deal with *rock stars* past their prime."

RHETORIC — So it's political! You're being *neglected* because of political reasons...

NIX GOTTLIEB — "And no, I *don't* want to hear a *political commentary* on the topic. In fact -- I've got work to do."

If I were to quote every time Gottlieb was notably uncaring or said something blasé about how you probably didn’t have long to live, I’d have to quote pretty much every word of that dialogue. That’s the whole joke with Gottlieb. That’s just how it is dealing with doctors when you’re in Harry’s position.

From talking to Kim about Uuno:

KIM KITSURAGI — "We could take him to Remedie or Saint Batiste, but he doesn't have money for medical services. The Almshouse would turn him down..."

KIM KITSURAGI — "They don't do charity for people who're trying to kill themselves. Besides, he'll be dead in a few..." The lieutenant stops, listening to him.

RHETORIC — ... years? Months? Weeks?

“They don’t do charity work for people who’re trying to kill themselves” really sums up the absurdity of Harry’s situation and institutional responses to it. Harry isn’t seen as the kind of person in crisis who deserves intervention. He’s treated as a lost cause who deserves to suffer the consequences of his self harm, even though the unending crisis and the lack of response to it is what drives him to harm himself and hope that he “gets worse.” If he weren’t a cop, it’s unlikely that Kim would care about him any more than he cares about Uuno and Cuno’s situation. Harry’s job is killing him, but it’s also the only thing that gives him access to anything resembling a community or support network (at least at the start of the game). Again, that’s just the way it goes when you’re disabled.

From the second tribunal:

TRANT HEIDELSTAM — "Well -- here is my theory: What if this is an absolutely normal reaction to the world we're living in? What if this is *not* a significant anomaly at all, something to be explained, approached as a defect? Look at the sensory input here..." He gestures toward the scenery.

TRANT HEIDELSTAM — "Look at the ruins, the neon, listen to the radio, the multitudes. The people. Live here for forty years... As a police detective, he's like a magnetic reader on the world-tape -- to borrow a known metaphor. Harry's been pushed *flat against it*. Total input."

TRANT HEIDELSTAM — "Hard-wired to the free market..." He nods confidently. "He just needed for it to end."

JEAN VICQUEMARE — "Okay, Trant, thank you. That's... absolutely meaningless. I'm glad we brought you. Will he or will he not be able to work in the Major Crimes Unit? Is he a cretin now? I want to know *that*."

TRANT HEIDELSTAM — "He is *not* a cretin. And he *is* able to do work -- if not in his previous leadership role, then as a line detective."

YOU — "Line detective is good for now."

JEAN VICQUEMARE — "For *now*?" He looks at you, then at Trant. "I misphrased my question. It should have been: Is he able to put his clothes on, and use the potty, or do we need to get him on a disability pension?"

Or, alternatively:

YOU — "He's wrong. I'm too far gone for work."

JEAN VICQUEMARE — "Agreed, Harry." He nods. "Just don't expect us to get you a disability pension. Cops who actually gave a shit are waiting in line. You're not gonna hog their seat."

Trant, who, notably, is technically a civilian consultant rather than a cop, (edit: and maybe even more notably, as someone pointed out in the tags, has had experience with addiction, too) suggests to Jean that Harry’s breakdown is a basically inevitable result of his circumstances and the systems that created them, and Jean’s response is that he doesn’t care and all that he wants to know is whether or not Harry can work or if he’s going to be “hogging” resources from other people who are more deserving of help because they “actually gave a shit.” He’s a mouthpiece here for the institutions that he represents and his ableism is blatant and heinous to drive the point home. He denies that Harry’s case is as serious as it is and accuses Harry of faking it, despite the fact that it’s happened (at least) twice before, and very recently:

JEAN VICQUEMARE — "I believe you *drank*. People do that -- you especially. What they don't do is forget their *whole life* because of drinking."

JUDIT MINOT — "But, Detective Vicquemare," she interjects. "He *has* blanked out before."

YOU — "I have?"

JUDIT MINOT — "Yes, a couple of times. After some of the more... serious benders." She pauses, remembering. "One was after the Two Drunks case, the other when we looked into that mural."

REACTION SPEED — The two cases... in your ledger. The Unsolvable Case and the Next World Mural. Those were recent.

And despite the fact that even Gottlieb doesn’t seem shocked about it:

YOU — "I've lost my memory. All of it."

NIX GOTTLIEB — "With all the damage you've been dealing yourself with drugs and alcohol, I'm not surprised."

AUTHORITY — There is no surprise in his voice. Only careless superiority.

DRAMA — It's hard to say if he doesn't believe you -- or doesn't care.

(Considering that Gottlieb’s PSY stat is so high (he’s even eating one of the PSY boosting candies during the call), along with his uncaring responses to all your other problems, it’s more likely the latter.)

Jean also won’t believe that you’re sober even if you haven’t touched so much as a cigarette for your entire playthrough, and even when Judit points out that he’s wrong, he’ll double down and say that it doesn’t matter because you’re going to relapse:

JEAN VICQUEMARE — "Even the insect -- I don't care. But you're an *alcoholic*. And you've been drinking -- again. I won't let my life unravel because of this."

JUDIT MINOT — "Jean -- I think he hasn't. I can see it on his face..."

ENDURANCE — The bloating *has* gone down since you woke up that morning...

JEAN VICQUEMARE — "Okay, so he's stayed clear for what? A week?" He sighs.

TRANT HEIDELSTAM — "It's tough. One of the toughest addictions to overcome. Comparable *only* to heavy synthetic opiates. Even morphine is easier to kick than alcohol -- statistically. The odds are against him. Especially at his age."

JEAN VICQUEMARE — He nods. "He's too old. He's been like this for too long. I've seen him try many times. It's a farce by now."

SUGGESTION — They're leaving. They're all turning away from you.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY — No. You can figure it out. *Replace* it! Replace the alcohol with amphetamine. Or GBL! Fuck it -- morphine! Graffito removal agent! Anything. It'll buy you time. All you need is time.

Electrochemistry brings up yet another facet of Harry’s struggles with substances, which is the idea that some of them may be replacements for alcohol. He doesn’t have time or space to try to quit in any way that is remotely healthy. What he has are substances like speed that keep him from collapsing from the strain of it all so that he can keep showing up to work, and other substances that might (he hopes) help him wean himself off the alcohol.

The game explores all of these different factors of Harry’s struggles with addiction and the circumstances that keep him trapped in them exhaustively (and the fact that Robert Kurvitz apparently was recovering from alcoholism during the development probably contributed a lot to that). The structure and culture of the RCM are hugely responsible for Harry’s situation. He’s mocked and berated for being an alcoholic and told repeatedly to get his shit together without actually providing him with the means to do that. Instead, he’s not only enabled but practically forced to keep using just so that he can show up to work at all and not risk losing the only support network he has (even if it’s the shittiest and most unhelpful network imaginable). As Luiga (iirc) said, Harry’s biggest tragedy is that he’s incapable of quitting the force. Many of the reasons for that are genuinely just due to Harry being a class traitor and an asshole, but it’s also true that even if he did want to quit, there is no safety net to catch him.

And then Harry comes to Martinaise, a town that has been “orphaned” by the RCM and neglected by Revachol at large, left mostly to their own devices. It’s not like policing doesn’t still exist in Martinaise, and things are pretty dire for everyone in the community, but at the very least you can see that it is a community. Isobel houses you for free. In Kim’s absence (and after Gottlieb stitches and ditches you), Cuno and Garte take care of you when you’re shot. Acele responds to your breakdown on the ice by saying it’s okay to cry and that you can talk with her about it when you’re ready. Idiot Doom Spiral and co run to your aid when they see you drive your car into the sea and invite you to come drink with them just to stop you from doing it again. Harry discovers that life, while very painful and bleak at times, isn’t necessarily hopeless for the marginalized. You can still find solidarity and support outside of the system.

Meanwhile, if Harry in the end has no one to vouch for him and hasn’t stayed sober, that system will abandon him, a well-known suicide risk with at least one bullet hole in him and severe amnesia, with the promise of nothing but getting served a station call slip. The point is not whether or not Harry “deserves” to be forgiven or even whether he’s a danger to himself and others (to be clear, he is). The point is that this is a system that doesn’t care whether Harry and people like him live or die. That is why, even in a “good” ending where Harry is welcomed back to the 41st, the work won’t be sustainable. It’s going to kill him because that’s what it’s designed to do. The miracle of Martinaise was the realization that he doesn’t have to die. There are people who will help to keep him on this earth. They’re just not members of the fucking RCM.

It’s not a “gotcha” to say that if Jean (and the RCM, and the institutions of Revachol on the whole) is ableist for wanting Harry fired, then saying that cop work is unsustainable for Harry is also ableist. I won’t even say what I personally think of that logic because I’m trying to keep the tone of this post polite. Jean’s dialogue during the tribunal is meant to parrot every bit of ableist rhetoric that the system is built on and that keeps Harry trapped in this hellish feedback loop. He’s a mouthpiece for the general culture of the RCM, just like Gottlieb is a mouthpiece for the shit that addicts and the disabled have to deal with from the medical system. He thinks Harry should be fired because he’s a drunk and therefor a lost cause. The truth is that Harry needs to quit this job because it shouldn’t exist and because it is actively killing him.

In one of Martin Luiga’s articles about the process of creating the game, he brings up the concept of social murder, which is a term coined by Engels:

When one individual inflicts bodily injury upon another such that death results, we call the deed manslaughter; when the assailant knew in advance that the injury would be fatal, we call his deed murder. But when society places hundreds of proletarians in such a position that they inevitably meet a too early and an unnatural death, one which is quite as much a death by violence as that by the sword or bullet; when it deprives thousands of the necessaries of life, places them under conditions in which they cannot live – forces them, through the strong arm of the law, to remain in such conditions until that death ensues which is the inevitable consequence – knows that these thousands of victims must perish, and yet permits these conditions to remain, its deed is murder just as surely as the deed of the single individual; disguised, malicious murder, murder against which none can defend himself, which does not seem what it is, because no man sees the murderer, because the death of the victim seems a natural one, since the offence is more one of omission than of commission. But murder it remains.

None of this is subtext. And all of it is intended to make players actually spare a thought for what it’s like for people in Harry’s situation in real life. For God’s sake, please engage with it. You have to try and understand what it means to be trapped in a life that is made unlivable and to know that your death will be ungrievable. That’s what this whole game is about.

Edit: I’ve seen some ppl say in the tags something like “yeah, I like to imagine a happy ending for Harry, but…” and listen. I am laying a very gentle hand on your shoulders. The point of this post was never to say that there’s no happy ending for Harry. The point is that the first step toward that ending is conceptualizing a life outside of the RCM. In Martinaise, he got a glimpse of what that might look like. Hell, in the bad ending, you can even say to Jean, “fine then. I’ll just live here.” There’s hope for him and for us. I promise.

#meg talks #disco elysium #i have been seething over this all day. sorry.#i’ll be nice and won’t tag any characters mentioned here

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