Im here to tell you that Utena having to go by stairs changing to her having to go by elevator symbolizes her thinking she has it easier now. That its more simple. That she gets it now.
But NO
She is trapped now.
Once there were stairs, she could just turn back.
Once there were stairs, she could go by her own feet, in her own speed.
But now, that all gone.
Now, she can only get in and only get out once the elevator stops.
She is in a Cage and She doesnt even realise it.
This isnt a ride worthy of a real prince, its a prison that you walk in. One that you cant call a prison because from the outside it looks beautiful.
"its easier" they say. But its realy hard to get out once you are in.
hieu minh nguyen / sarah lewarn / lia kimura / isabel emrich / taylor swift / phoebe bridgers / rnn90 after mark rubenstein / penelope douglas / katie maria / jakun kujawa via @nailone on dA / rainer maria rilke / kate elizabeth russell / ale casanova / sylvia plath
// TW : mentions of mental illnesses, suicide, eating disorders, grooming and possibly more
pt: tw: mentions of mental illnesses, suicide, eating disorders, grooming, and possibly more end pt.
my mom: my child is doing fine.
your child barely eats/drinks, has severe social anxiety, has no energy to do anything, struggles to do basic things, messed up sleeping schedule, has iron deficiency, "mean" and "rude", bruises easily, unhealthy, can't stand yelling and loud noises, can't eat around family members, afraid to even talk to their family members, suicidal thoughts, bottles up their emotions and feelings, always exhausted, can't take care of themselves, a victim of grooming, undiagnosed with adhd and bpd, gets uncomfortable talking about their problems, trust issues, doesn't know how to comfort people, suffers from gender dysphoria, isolates themselves, doesn't go outside, cries for no reason, lost interest in everything, losing most of their memories, just want to be loved, and lacks parental guidance. /srs
trigger warning, the following content discussion mental illness, trauma, child sexual abuse, swearing, victim blaming, aggressive behaviour. You have been warned.
Honestly I don't know what to be mad at.
Like, I was a kid. Who the fuck does that to a kid? In HIS own damn house! Why did that happen? Because I feel like I deserved it, or like it's my fault? I was a kid, i was old enough to talk and say no??
IT'S BEEN OVER TEN FUCKING YEARS why am I still afraid!? I'm so fucking pissed at myself because I haven't got over it.
BUT I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT SO SOMEONE ELSE!?
Just-
I dunno I'm tired.
I'm tired of holding myself to a higher standard than everyone else but I don't stop doing it?? And I'm fully aware of victim blaming right now but i feel like I deserve to be blamed, and if I ever told my family they'd hate me.
at this point I've just convinced myself the grooming trauma does notnecisht, like I was the one who sent that shit, I was never forced to, it was our fault for being a dumb 10yr old, like nop, dosnt exsist, not real,just dramatic , my fsukt, not matter either way, its all my fault, imy fault for being toungs and dtupif, shouldnt even live non!oes, sounds just die, deserve it anyway, just worthless fuckhead, hehehe istg I sound just die and sifeere l lie I'm sposs to only prupos non like to stuffer in sorey in deunk and iddiodic rn, stupid iddiot rn, I just want love but I don't deserve to love or happy just deserves suffter -tefz
It does exist. Telling yourself it doesn’t can cause more harm than good and can stop the ability to heal from it, but I also understand not wanting to deal with that right now.
You were 10. You weren’t dumb. You never have been dumb. You were taken advantage of and forced to do things, you were coerced. A 10 year old won’t always know the dangers. That doesn’t make you dumb.
You’re not dramatic or at fault. You’re not the one to blame. The one that hurt you and thought it was good to prey upon a minor is the one at fault and the one that needs to be punished. Not you.
You don’t deserve to die. No one does. As sad as it is, it’s so common for grooming online to happen even in person. That doesn’t mean the victim (you) is the one to have blame and be told “you should have known better.” You were 10.
Make sure to hydrate. I know I can’t help much with the drinking, but make sure to take care of yourself.
You do deserve love. You deserve love and happiness. Try to not deny yourself those things.
And remember. You were 10. 10 year olds won’t always know the dangers, that doesn’t make you or anyone else dumb, never made you dumb.
You’re loved and appreciated here. I know it might not be much, but you are loved and cherished.
do we think that, like... baby marcy successfully escaped from the vampires until she was an adult and olnly after she was turned she joined their side, or was she captured in that scene when she was still a kid and raised by the vampire king, who waited until she was an adult to turn her? obviously she was bitten in this universe at the same age she was bitten in ours since she looked the same, but the way she refers to the VK as "dad" makes me think he raised her
I just found out puppychan is on tumblr now under a different username and ngl, the whole situation with them just feels so....conflicting
On one hand a lot of the shit they did is straight up awful and stuff that should not be excused (endangering minors / innappropriate interactions with them, that racefaking incident they had for a bit 💀, the constant suicide baiting, among many other things)
But on another I just feel...man. i can't help but feel bad for him. I followed him when Antoonz was directing his bigoted ass audience towards him when he was still a minor, and all the ableist, racist, transphobic and straight up violent shit that was thrown Puppychan's way was genuinely awful - ESPECIALLY at such a young age. (I still remember the lynching art someone made on the day of his 18th birthday...ugh.) Not to mention it feels like the internet was kinda the only coping mechanism he had, and a really unhealthy one at that. It's very clear the internet just fucked him up a lot from being exposed to so much shit at a young age.
Don't get me wrong - I'm still incredibly disgusted by the things he's done and I do think people should definitely be warned about his antics. But part of me feels just...sad - sad that this clearly unwell person needs help and has been through so much shit, and they've dug themself into a hole, and because people are constantly on their tail they dig even deeper into said hole. It's like the Chris-chan thing all over again.
I will never condone any of the harmful shit that he did, but I do still hope he someday leaves the internet, finds a proper support system and works on himself. (And learn to stop blaming his harmful actions on his mental health issues). Cuz the internet is the last place he should be right now.
Going through old chats where you were being abused is really… indescribably painful. But I could set boundaries and I did. They just weren’t respected at all, ever. No wonder I stopped setting boundaries after that and all that fell down to 0. I hate my history and what has happened to me.