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zapgraptrash · 7 months

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42, 4 ocs of your choice :)

as in 42 (x4) times? i'll do that and do number 4 just in case i misread lol

42. Let them vent for a second, without the fear of being judged. What would they like to say?

slyger: WHY is it that OTHER ANIMALS can eat their own kind and it's accepted as part of NATURE, but when I do it, i'm A CANNIBAL and a MENACE TO SOCIETY? i'm not even fully human by the arbitrary standards! i'm sure PLENTY of other people would think this is STUPID if they too were to eat another human. it's not like i even do this ALL THE TIME either??? it's all STUPID, FUCK SOCIETY, HANNIBAL LECTER WAS RIGHT.

zapper: YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS? grappler: taking multiple dicks at-- zapper: WHEN PEOPLE DON'T PUT THE LIDS BACK ON THINGS. HOW HARD IS IT TO DO? YOU WERE JUST USING THE THING, YOU WERE ABLE TO REMOVE THE LID JUST NOW, WHY IS IT SOOO DIFFICULT TO PUT IT BACK AFTER? grappler: is this because of the toothpaste or the pringles? zapper: YOU LEFT THE FUCKING CAP OFF THE TOOTHPASTE AGAIN??

dom: why do Hot Dogs come in Package of 10 but the Buns come in Package of 8? for the People who don't have a Bun with their Hot Dog people might say. but a Hot Dog with no Bun is just a Sausage. if you want Sausage, why would you buy Hot Dogs? there is no Substance to a Hot Dog Sausage alone. the Bun and the other Filling is part of the Dog as a whole. if you want Sausage alone, that is when you get Bratwurst or something. it makes no Sense to Dom why Buns come in 8 and Hot Dogs come in 10.

jeffrey: it's sooooo hard to be surrounded by MORONS all the time! in fact i have dedicated a paragraph of crticism to each of these empty headed freaks i am forced to be surrounded by, day in day out-- thaddeus: nobody has time for that. jeffrey: babe no i need to-- thaddeus: send post.

---

4. What is the thing they like the most about their friends and what is the thing their friends like the most about them?

grappler can answer this since blah blah his colour is the Harmony colour in the pride flag

i mean what's not to like about me right. i'm a fuckin riot, i'm the coolest person they know.

do i gotta give a reason for all of em? well ok i guess. they're not listening right? this shit is so lame.

uhh granox. he's hilarious and he doesn't even try to be. just the way he says shit and when it takes like 3 seconds for his brain to catch up that's hysterical.

ricky now that she isn't like our boss anymore, she's actually cool as hell. ultimate wingman. wingwoman whatever. she'll literally big anyone up and make em believe they can do anything. everyone needs someone like that in their life y'know.

dom, if you like ever wanted a friend who will dish out the physical affection, she's the one. i know it sounds big cringe but her hugs rule. and she like hangs on to your every word, she like remembers the smallest of things

thaddeus i mean uh have you seen him? yeah he's hot as hell and oh my god he sure knows how to [REDACTED]. ok but like fucking aside, he like knows a ton of shit? once you get him talking he'll talk your ear off about something and it's like, so cool to listen to? always the quiet ones.

does masuyo like consider me a friend? well i hope she does i guess. she's badass. like in the effortless way. not many people can pull that off.

slyger sucks ass hahaha he's a big fuckin baby. (is he listening? no? ok well you know the animal people he draws? what the fuck that's awesome man.)

i'm not gonna talk about zapper fuck him haha. he like knows how annoying i think he is already.

#text post tag #slyger tag #zapper tag #grappler tag #dom tag #jeffrey tag #thaddeus tag

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superfuxkinghungry · 5 months

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**PART 2 OF RANT**

So sorry for the late ass post, I procrastinated again *face palm* even though nobody really views my shit anywayz, to all those ppl who do tysm, I'm trying to tell y'all the real, horrible things that happen to the animals that are supposedly "humanely" slaughtered for our selfish consumption, and get my point across. The more we breed these animals, the more pain-feeling and sentient lives we put through fear, depression, sadness, torture, and suffering. Nothing about physically and mentally torturing and abusing, taking animal's children from them right after birth for the consumer's selfish demand, and depriving an animal of their needs is humane AT ALL!! We as individuals may not make a big difference of course, but together we can make a change in the demand for products from brands that use animal testing, meat, dairy, and poultry, lessening the amount of products made, if we all stood up for the innocent lives put into a world of cruelty and suffering before their eventual MURDER. So in order to help stop this, we can protest publically or online, stop buying from brands that use animal testing, (animal testing is also a terrible procedure done on animals in order to expirement the goodness of a product.) stop buying from domestic pet breeders, from the poultry, meat or dairy industry of course, and talk to our friends, family, or other people, or show them real videos depicting terrible instances that animals in slaughterhouses that can easily be found on youtube, articles, and google. not all people are convinced easily, we can always try to slowly help them understand the horrors of which billions of animals each year are subject to in the cosmetics industry, medical industry, and the dairy, meat, and poultry industries. I understand not all are easily convinced and we can always start at the pace that will help us transition fully, its just the best to keep in mind that we are doing this not for us, not for our needs, but for the animals that are constantly abused in slaughterhouses and not able to see their children, raped to be impregnated to produce even more meat to be consumed. Male cows are taken from their mothers and used as veal because they are unable to produce milk. It is so sad. Pigs are raped to give birth, confined in metal cages so claustrophobic that they are unable to even cuddle or hold their young near (Only big enough to let their babies drink their milk) and slaughtered by throat slitting and boiling (they can be conscious during) after suffering cruelty their whole life at the hands of the people who buy their products and the people who murder and torture them for consumption. Does that sound humane to you? It is EVIL and needs to be stopped. If we were in the animal's place, we wouldn't be able to stand one day in a slaughterhouse, so why should we treat these sentient beings like they are below us? They feel the pain we do, they feel anxiety, fear, sadness, affection, and depression. There is no excuse to contribute to the suffering of these lives subject to inhumane and disgusting ways of cruelty just so we can have something to eat. I also do NOT in any way support the breeding of domestic pets as I am an antinatalist that believes putting any life in a world full of suffering, depression, hate, sadness, and risking giving my child a mental or physical disability (I have a mental disability, it sucks ass!!!) is super weird and nasty and will never consider having a child. Anyone who thinks their genes are SOOOOO special to pass them down to an offspring is so disgusting. The world is very overpopulated first of all, secondly there's so many children and teens in need of adoption and a loving family that are constantly ignored because people want their own mini them or whatever, its weird af!! And if you want a pet, then get as many as you want at an animal shelter or pound!! It makes no sense to put a new life in danger of suffering the raising prices and economical ruin of today, instead of tend to ALREADY EXISTING life!! We could all make a change, if we TRIED.

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alilkathastrophe · 1 year

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Dear future husband,

So, today, I decided to communicate with you through this page just so I can share with you my "life I had when I still don't have you" life in the future.

Spoiler alert: IT SUCKS

Ready for your very first story?

Earlier today, I just broke up with a guy I've been dating for 4 months. Yes, it was short, but those months changed me. It's really funny how one person can change/affect you even just for a short period of time. (I've had exes that lasted for years but didn't make a huge impact on my life. But this guy here did.)

I really was happy dating him. We're actually kinda opposite with each other. Our interests were different. Our humor is different. So I guess you know now why it didn't work out.

However, I've learned so much about myself when we're together. I've realized that I have a different/deeper side of me. I discovered a lot of things about me through him. He was able to inspire me to do past interests and hobbies that I've abandoned a long time ago. I've felt and experienced things that I have never experienced with my past relationships. I'm not sure if I can enumerate all, but let me share w/ you some of those:

I realized that I do love to write. When I was a kid, I used to have a diary where I write good & bad stuff about my day (obviously, 'cause that's what we do with diaries, lol). But idk why that stopped.

I missed reading books. I've been a fan of books/comics (special mention: W.I.T.C.H.) when I was still young. I used to always ask my parents to buy me one whenever we shop at NBS, and I also can't remember how I lost that passion.

NSFW: Sexual compatibility is so so sooooo important! I used to settle with ex-boyfs who I'm not sexually compatible with. Our sex life is so dry and boring, and that really affected the relationship. With him, I was able to comfortably open up whenever I want it, and lo and behold, we're always having a good time. I never felt shy when I do sexy/hot things with him. So I realized, yea, this is how it should've always been.

I forgot to be who I am. Growing up, I'm so used with adjusting myself for others. Not necessarily to fit in, but I try to like what they like, love what they love, just so I could understand them and forgot that we're all different and I have my own. Ever experienced the feeling where you're being asked to describe yourself, and you're standing there confused 'cause you don't know how? Because you don't know yourself? Because you have no idea who you really are?

IT'S NOW TIME TO SET AND FOLLOW MY STANDARDS AND BOUNDARIES. Well I always have standards ever since. The problem is, whenever I'm starting to like someone, I try to compromise my standards and boundaries just to be able to match with them. Note to self: never again 'cause this is how it always ends. I have compromised my boundaries for this guy just because I love him and I want this relationship with him.

a. I like high efforts; he shows me low (and I say that's fine. maybe he just doesn't have the time and money to do it)

b. I like being prioritized; he always put me last (and I say, that's okay 'cause I should support him with his dreams, and his world shouldn't revolve around me)

c. I like updates, even just the smallest ones; he makes a big deal out of it (and I say, that's alright. maybe he's just really not that kind of person)

annnddd, so many more.

BUT NO. Love doesn't work that way, and I know I deserve better.

I'm in pain right now 'cause I lost someone I loved. But, looking at the bright side, I'm taking this chance to love and be kinder to myself more.

I'm not really looking forward to meeting you yet. I'm not ready. It might take a while for me to be able to trust someone again. For now, I'm choosing to rediscover myself :)

Will you wait for me?

Love,

Kath

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jeanslongschlong · 3 years

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a-z fluff alphabet for connie springer

requested by @squidonmywall !! i hope you enjoy <3

warnings: some swearing

word count: 1871

A = Admiration (what do they absolutely adore about you?)

Your sense of humor! Connie is a really funny guy, so it means a lot to him that you can match his energy at all times. He doesn’t believe in soulmates, but he’s starting to think that maybe, just maybe…

B = Body (what is their favorite part of your body?)

Your cheeks! Connie LOVES to pinch them, caress them, kiss them, and so on. He makes it his life mission to make you blush, as seeing the red tint on your cheeks makes pride swell up in him over the fact that he made you have that reaction. He also loves when- jk, we’re keeping this PG here. I’ll expand more on this when I do his NSFW alphabet.

C = Cuddling (how do they like to cuddle?)

Under lots of blankets and on top of lots of pillows. But he will cuddle with you anywhere and everywhere; Connie is not shy about PDA with you.

D = Dates (what does their ideal date with you look like?)

I get extremely romantic vibes from Connie, so probably some sort of mountain getaway, during which you spend time in a sauna, go skiing, and have a candlelit dinner with the breathtaking view of the snow-tipped mountains in the background. I can assure you he will do everything in his power to make you swoon, and (more likely than not) CRINGE at some of his cheesy attempts at flirting. He may be a romantic, but I never said anything about being smooth. That is a whole other story.

E = Emotions (how do they express emotion around you?)

Connie is pretty open about his emotions with everyone, but even more so with you. You just make him feel so comfortable, he knows that no matter what he’s feeling you won’t judge him; you’ll try your hardest to sympathize and help him work through it. That’s another thing he loves about you, your empathy.

F = Family (do they want one? If they do, when?)

CONNIE WANTS LIKE FIVE KIDS AND YOU CANNOT CHANGE MY MIND. In any case, he only wants them if you want them of course. He isn’t going to force you into something you don’t want. However, I would say that it could be a deal breaker for him…but it just depends. If you do want to have kids as well, I’d say he wants to start having them around 24/25.

G = Gifts (how do they feel about gift giving? What are their habits when it comes to this?)

HE LOVES GIVING GIFTS. I don’t think he has a lot of money so they probably aren’t expensive ones, but expect a bunch of small things randomly. He doesn’t need a holiday to buy you a gift, he just does it whenever he feels like it (which is almost always LMFAO he’s such a sweetie I am in love).

H = Holding Hands (when/how do they like to hold hands?)

All the time. Everywhere. Everyday. He holds onto your hand like it’s his fucking LIFELINE. (please I simp for this man so much he is so precious help)

I = Injury (how would they act if you got hurt?)

Simply put, he would cry. Similar to Eren, he would most likely shut down, overwhelmed by the panic and regret that washes over him when someone informs him of your injury. He would be so patient and loving during your recovery period, though. If you were staying in a hospital room he would give you his pudding cups during dinnertime.

J = Jokes (do they like to joke around with or prank you? how?)

Obviously Connie likes to joke, he’s one of the funniest characters in AOT. However, pranks? Nah. Not alone, at least. Teamed up with Sasha is a whole other story. But I don’t think they’d be anything serious. If he did prank you, it would be like…hiding a whoopie cushion on the couch where you normally sit, not a breakup prank or a cheating prank. He thinks those are too cruel and he would feel wayyyy too bad about it.

K = Kisses (how do they like to kiss you?)

Lowkey…I feel like he gives wet and sloppy kisses. But the type that make you feel warm inside. Kissing him brightens your whole day, they’re so infused with love that you could faint.

L = Love (how do they show you they love you?)

Words, gifts, kisses, random hugs, cuddles, you name it. He makes it VERY KNOWN in every way possible that he loves you. He is not embarrassed about it at all, and he makes sure you don’t forget it.

M = Memory (favorite memory together?)

Your first date. He stuttered so bad and yet you didn’t make fun of him. That’s when he knew that he had it BAD for you. He went home and literally couldn’t sleep he was so overwhelmed with affection for you.

N = Nightmare (what is their worst fear?)

He’s afraid that his forwardness will eventually scare you away. He’s so open about everything, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are, so he’s afraid that one day he will overstep his boundaries and drive you away permanently.

O = Oddity (what is one quirk they have?)

French kissing is a no-no. Even though his kisses are wet and sloppy, I really think that the thought of your tongues in each other’s mouths gross him out. I think the same goes for Levi, too, if I’m being honest.

P = Pet Names (what do they like to call you?)

Angel, my love, my dearest. THIS BOY IS SO CHEESY BUT IT MELTS YOU

“You’re so pretty, angel. How the hell did I manage to get a girlfriend as heavenly as you?”

(And then you probably made fun of him and you two double over in the type of laughter that makes your stomach cramp. Oh, to be loved by Connie.)

Q = Quality Time (how do they like to spend time with you?)

A lot, quality time is his love language, second to gift giving. If he had it his way, the only time he would be away from you is when he was at work, at school, or going to the bathroom. Otherwise, he wants to be all up in your business. But, he respects your space so he tries to refrain from asking you to hang out every day. Key word: tries.

R = Rhythm (what song reminds you of them?)

“Two” by Sleeping At Last. No explanation needed.

S = Secrets (how open are they with you?)

He tells you everything, even things you think ‘god, why did he tell me that?’ afterwards. SO, he tells you everything. He keeps nothing from you, which makes surprising you SUPER hard for him LMAO. He just wants to tell you as soon as he possibly can.

T = Time (how long did it take you to get together?)

Not very long. 3 months at most. This boy can’t wait LOL he has 0 patience. He knew he wanted to make you his even before you had your first date, but he waited to give you time to think about what you wanted. (Although how could you not want him??? FR)

U = Upset (how do they act when you’re upset?)

Super supportive. He will be whatever you need him to be. If you need to scream at him to let out all of your frustration? He’ll let you. If you need him to hold a pillow for you to punch while you’re angry? Consider him your new punching bag. If you need him to just hold you and stroke your hair while you cry? He’ll do it. Anything for you.

V = Vaunt (what are they proud of? Do they like to show you off?)

He’s honestly just so happy that you love him. He loves to show you off; he tells anyone who will listen how amazing you are, how beautiful you are, how he’s convinced that if soulmates did exist, you’d be his.

W = Warrior (how do they feel about you fighting? Would they fight for you, beside you, etc?)

Like Eren, Connie would lay down his life for you in a heartbeat. He gets a little scared when he thinks about you fighting, but he knows that you’d be fine, so he never really voices that fear.

X = X-Ray (how well are they able to read you?)

Pretty damn well. He’s not dumb, he can tell when you’re actually mad and when you’re just crabby because you haven’t eaten. He’s memorized all of the indicators that point towards how you’re feeling, and he’s always prepared to deal with it.

Y = Yes (how would they propose to you?)

SOOOOO ROMANTICALLY PLS IM GONNA SOB THINKING ABOUT IT.

This is the only secret that I feel he would successfully keep from you; he wants to make it as special as possible (which is quite the opposite of Eren LOL). He would take you on a walk near sunset, and would time it so perfectly that you would end up at the place you first met right when the sun starts to set.

The sky is filled with picturesque shades of pinks, yellows, reds, and oranges, and you stop for a moment to gape in astonishment at its beauty. He admires you as you stare at the sky, your hand held to your forehead to shield your eyes from the brunt of the sun’s mighty rays, your eyes filled with such bewilderment that it warms him from the inside out. He takes this moment to kneel down onto one knee, reaching back to fish out the black ring box he had put in his pockets a few hours before.

“Y/N…” he says softly, trying to get your attention. You turn around, expecting him to make fun of you for being so infatuated with the colors of the sky, but instead let out a strangled gasp.

“Holy shit, are you-“

“Yes,” he smiles up at you and reaches out with his left hand to grasp your right. He gives your hand a loving squeeze, sucks in a breath, then continues, “I knew from the moment we met here all of those years ago that I was going to marry you. You know how I knew?” You shake your head no. “The moment our eyes met, I was filled with such a sense of completion that there was no other way to explain it. I’ve told you many times that I don’t believe in soulmates, that I think it’s just a shanty created by the romance genre to create unrealistic expectations when it comes to love. But…I’m now thoroughly convinced that you are mine.”

“Connie, I-“

“Marry me.”

“Yes.”

Z = Zen (what makes them feel calm?)

Taking a nap with you under a thick blanket. He loves to be held by you, so preferably with him on top of you, your arms wrapped tightly around him and him using your stomach as a pillow. Prime sleeping position for Connie Springer.

#aot headcanons #aot #attack on titan x reader #connie springer x reader #connie springer #connie springer fluff alphabet #snk #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan

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elias-code · 3 years

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My OC's relationships on the Dream SMP

These are all characters, not the actual streamers! <3 It's also not all of them since I don't watch a few of them :) I harbour no hate towards the people behind the characters that I have issues with lmao

Awesamdude - Negative relationship - basically, he let Quackity get away with putting Techno away, let Tommy die and get revived by Dream and then never apologised, and then let ghostbur die and... wtf - Yeah we aren't friends. In another universe, if he weren't the warden, we might get along.

BadBoyHalo - He kinda gives me bad vibes - After the egg stuff I just don't really like to be around him... he killed Foolish and tried to kill everyone at the banquet which I just don't vibe with - I kinda understand why he joined the egg. I mean he was there for Skeppy which I think is ok, but he really went off the deep end. If he redeems himself, I'll be the first to befriend him (cautiously)

Callahan - Alright I taught him some American Sign Language for basic communication - I go and hang out with him whenever I feel like there's too much angst on the server, he's so neutral it's honestly relaxing.

Captain Puffy - We don't know each other very well - I mean I agree with her when it comes to the egg and she seems nice but it's hard to be friends with her when her son is Dream... poor Foolish, though.

Connor - I don't know how to feel about him - I don't have anything against him but... he just seems like someone I wouldn't get along with so I don't hang out with him. He is kinda funny tho

Dream - Ok, ok, he's just an ass - I'm not even gonna list why, you know why... I'm just saying. - I do feel bad for him since Quackity just beats the living shit out of him and he's already in prison so why...?

Dream XD - I fear no man... but that thing... it scares me. - Why his voice do that?? - I avoid him but if he approached me, I would be ok with being his friend, I mean he's a god. If I don't then I might die. Might as well use it to the fullest extent I can.

Eret - I don't really understand why he joined the opposing side during the L'Manburg war - I mean she's cool! I like their outfits and it's nice to have another queer person on the DSMP - I think we'd be good friends in another life, but our friend groups don't overlap very much, so it's hard to hang with them.

Foolish - Little bit scary ngl - Lightning go brrrrrr - I feel really bad for him since he's gotta be related to Dream and he died during the egg shit. That's just cruel. - also I don't really vibe with his personality but I do like to talk to him about his building ventures since I also love to build

Fundy - I feel sooooo bad for him - He's super cute, super sweet, and he just deserves more love - I plant sweet berries around his house to brighten his day whenever I can and I also feed his fox - I love to talk to him and he teaches me dutch sometimes because it's an interesting language. Also, he just deserves a good role model in his life... Like Will kinda sucked as his dad, Schlatt was not a good role model, and his friends don't really care about him. :( - Um also (IRL) he's the reason I started watching the DSMP, I love coding and Dutch so it was a very good mix for me

George - I sleep the opposite amount that he does. - I love his mushroom aesthetic but I stay away from him in fear of Dream XD. - I don't have a lot to say about him since he's not on the dsmp much

Jack Manifold - Yo he's lowkey annoying??? - Give Tommy his hotel back??? He died??? - If he were nicer to Tommy I'd be his friend but he's gotta get his shit together lmao

Jschlatt - Fuck that guy - bruh, he ruined L'Manburg?? - He drinks too much, not surprised he had a heart attack oof

Glatt - Ghost Schlatt gives me such chaotic evil vibes - I enjoy his presence much more than I enjoy his living presence. - I like the fact that he's kinda useless and can't do anything. It's like going to a zoo to see a creature you wouldn't want to see in the wild

Karl Jacobs - I feel bad that he's losing his memory, he's such a fun character. - I like to hang out with him but he makes me sad and also our friend groups do not vibe with each other oof

Niki Nihachu - She's super sweet and absolutely terrifying. - I love to help her bake and its super fun to try out new recipes with her - People really underestimate her and in return for her help with the baking, I help her train her fighting skills.

Philza - DADZA - I get in trouble with him a lot oof, I like to troll people so it happens quite a bit. Also, I take the blame for a lot of the stuff Techno and I get up to as well as with the bench trio. - He taught me how to sew and crochet so I can make my own clothes. I also build with him whenever he asks for help

Quackity - Scared. - He's rude and evil and I dislike him... gambling bad - I like Charlie and I think he's a good influence on Quackity but tbh I feel the same as Techno in this scenario. I am not a Quackity apologist!

Ranboo - I have the same vibe as him. We are one and the same. - I keep an eye on him during his enderwalks, he worries me sometimes. - Out of everyone in the bench trio, we get along the best. I take care of Michael sometimes when he's out doing Snowchester stuff with Tubbo.

Sapnap - I mean I dislike him a little, he throws off my vibe. - He's on the wrong side of everything imo, just stop being weird, big man... - Also I mean I don't understand why he threatened Dream with torture if he ever escaped. Like you don't have to tell him that, just do it? - We have very similar voices (IRL oh no) and so I'll mess with people by doing my best impression of him

Skeppy - One of the many victims of my trolling (with techno usually) - He's fun to hang out with for a while but I can't handle being around him for too long, he gives me a headache - Sometimes I wonder if he's actually made out of diamonds... should I kill him and see what happens?

Charlie (Slimecicle) - BEST BOY I LOVE HIM - HE'S SO CUTE DAP ME UP - Honestly, we get along soooo well, he reminds me of a slime for some reason, hmmmmmmmm - I try to teach him human-ness because if he doesn't want to look like a slime then there's no reason for me to say no

Technoblade - Ah yes the best one on the SMP - He did not like me at first, I can be a bit annoying oh no - Eventually, he got a soft spot for me since we have the same sense of humour and I love to mess with people - I sympathise with him, he deserves so much more than he's getting. - I wish he didn't express his emotions as anger all the time since it really affects everyone. He's got some anger issues and I try to deal with them with him.

TommyInnit - Omg I still find him annoying but I love to hang out with him like Wilbur does. - He needs to learn some boundaries but he is still a kid, so it doesn't really matter. I think people have to stop being little shits to him since his brain hasn't fully formed, like all adolescents. - He's very sweet sometimes and I appreciate his assistance in a lot of random tasks

Tubbo - I am allergic to bees so we can't hang too much - I like to chill with him and Ranboo and sometimes him and Tommy, but I'm always telling Tommy off for being a little shit to Tubbo. - I do not approve of his governmental ways, but his heart is in the right place. Also, why do you have nukes?

Wilbur Soot - Too much government, I do not approve - not a good father - Eventually, he stopped governmenting so whatever, no more animosity from me, eh?

Ghostbur - Awww he gave me blue - how dare he die twice - I love friend, I walked him sometimes. So glad he has infinite canon lives - I wish he had more time on the SMP, he's super sweet and his vibe is amazing

Revivebur - Alright he's kinda cool, I like his hair. - He doesn't have any governmental plans thank god - He's a bit worrying but he hasn't done anything yet. I'll just keep my eyes on him.

That's it, just doing this for fun! I have a lot of things in the works, don't worry! If you're curious as to what I'm working on, take a look at my masterlist (it's on my page at the top where my asks are) If you do have any asks please give 'em to me, I love to write for you guys :)

THANK YOU FOR 80 FOLLOWERS!

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mycandylavynder · 4 years

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MCLLL Spoilers

MCLLL Episode 1 & 2

Sooooo with all of the madness going on... I present to you....my thoughts (more like summary) on Episode 1 (I will reblog and add 2 when I finish it this week for real this time)

I am going to get my bitching out the way first. Feel free to skip ahead... but I am soooo bummed that BV decided to bring the hammer down on videos and sharing screenshots. I really enjoyed watching the other routes and it sucks that I won’t be able to see how theirs plays out unless I start hemorrhaging money. I seriously wished that BV set up the game like they do the spin offs where you “buy” the episode and can play it through as many times as you want for your route. I genuinely hate that I have to buy AP or wait forever to save up AP to play through again. it really bums me out.

Ok done ranting.

Episode 1 starting out with Candy talking to Cas on the phone in THEIR apartment is a dream come true. I loooooooooved all of the touches in the room. I love the little stuffed animal, the purple duvet. It just feels like …

I ARRIVED. WE ARE AN ACTUAL. SERIOUS. THING. WE LIVE TOGETHER.

We are making all of the love. We are doing all of the things. LIke ughhhh…. Castiel is super casual about saying I miss you... I love you... and I took receipts because this is what I have played for!!!! Candy and I have worked so hard for this moment and we shall bask in all of it’s glory.

Anyhow...if you don’t know, Candy owns the Cozy Bear so we spend the day trying to get things ready for Crowstorm’s art exhibition party thing that she threw together to get some $$$ coming to the café. Nina works there. She is ‘spirited’ as ever. She gets into a playfully heated argument with a customer and then proceeded to lecture us about spoiling episodes for people and how that makes her mad. Blah blah Blaaaaahhhhhh.

So after that ordeal we go on a quest to hang up posters and we run into our beloved Chani. Chani has been working for Mr. Labarde since Uni and has been feeling down about doing the same old thing. It was sad to see Chani feeling down but I am happy that we will get the chance to be there for her. We eventually get to encourage her about her artwork. Our meeting with her is brief, but I like her new vibe. It’s still her but it is a bit more formal. And the blue dipped ends are cute. I am digging it.

Somewhere on our journey we run into Alexy, and he is sad af. I hate his outfit. But it was cool to see him. He is still with Morgan (yay) but he is struggling to find a job in his field (boo). He was actually on his way to a job interview when he stopped by. He let’s us know he misses us and Rosa (who is busy being a new mommy and starting her career as a psychologist.) But Alexy is super down. And I think BV was really trying to make this more realistic so they made (almost) all of our friends depressed adults that we barely have time to talk to. Cause...what’s more accurate than that?

When we finish up talking to Alexy we get to meet the mysterious Yael. I love her! she is so much nicer than I thought she was going to be which was a relief. She is an art agent and arranges the pieces that go into the Crowstorm exhibit. she’s talks to us about an artist. But I actually ended up ignoring her when Castiel said his plan landed and he was coming back home. (I know I am terrible) so I missed her telling us about another artist

Somewhere throughout it all we get a phone call from our banker telling us that we need to talk cuz we ain’t making moneeeeyyyyyy and he is upset about it. Candy tells him not to worry cause she has a plan, but internally Candy is just like...

And oh! Eric....We met Eric in this episode along with our lovable blonde junior police officer Nath. Eric complains about his wife and Nath has some peak banter about Cassy. Eric really sucks tho. But Nath seems super happy. So I am happy he is in a good place. I am just crying that I can’t follow his route without creating a second account or giving them all of my money (because see gif above).

But yesssss when we get home, Candy gets home before him (Idk if me ignoring the f out of Yael made a difference) but we get home early never the less. She cleans up a bit, pets Pancake, and then BooOOOm. He is home.

He is the best. He looks good. He is happy to see Candy. He is just everything I ever wanted...

Like need I say more?

They just chat about him being on the road and how he cares about her pretty much.

So over all, I was very happy with the first episode of Love Life. I don't feel like it was hard on the AP and I even think the writing is better. The conversations between Candy and Castiel felt natural and smooth and I really liked it. Cas feels so much more relaxed and open. He casually expresses affection and he is very open about how he feels and his concerns. It feels like we reached a very great place in our relationship and it feels...amazing.

#my candy love #mclll #my candy love love life #my candy love life castiel #mclll castiel #cas #mclll episode 1 #mclll spoilers

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oceanmonsters · 5 years

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thoughts on “tall girl”

I’m gonna make another post actually going into detail (edit: made post here) about some of the points that really bothered me (because I had a Lot of thoughts while watching this) this is just an overview & what I was thinking while actually watching the film:

movie about a straight white girl opening with Make Me Feel by Janelle Monáe playing...........

the movie is going so hard straight off the bat with the “Jodi is alienated and unaccepted by society because of her height” with the parallel being made between Jodi and the character in the book

“You think your life is hard” god I was really trying to go into this movie with an open mind but literally within the first 5 minutes they’re doing exactly what I predicted and making it seem like being tall is literally the biggest source of oppression ever. Like yes, her life is harder than it would be if she was average height but she’s still a rich cis straight white girl. That doesn’t mean she can’t have problems but there are SO MANY people with lives harder than hers. This line was so tone deaf that it’s so hard to give the rest of the movie a chance.

“How’s the weather up there” is literally being treated as if it’s a slur. Like yes it’s annoying but it’s really not that deep.

this school seems very racially diverse which is usually a good thing but when you’re framing the white girl as having the biggest problems and being picked on / harassed by everyone else, it’s really not...

the scene with the mom taking about her “problems” in high school for being so beautiful and popular and asking Jodi if that counts as adversity and her being like ‘what the fuck, is this what she really thinks adversity is’ is literally a metaphor for me watching this movie rn

her friend Jack is Sam from American Vandal and that’s not relevant to the plot but I keep thinking of his name as Sam now

Sam: He might not even be smart

Stig: *writes the molecular formula of the molecule drawn for which literally all you have to do is count the number of atoms of each type, and happened to recognise the molecule

Sam: oh NO what’s he DOING fuck I’m screwed he’s a genius he’s literally the PERFECT GUY

also is the movie really trying to tell me Jodi is the tallest person in her whole school? There are NO guys taller than her? Because my school was definitely smaller than most American schools and there were definitely at least 5 guys in my year taller than 6’

most of the mean girls making fun of & laughing at Jodi are WOC which really feels wrong...

why is he talking about c-sections what the fuck that was so creepy!

why is Jodi acting like just because she’s tall she somehow has some sort of claim to Stig over Kimmy... like I know Kimmy was horrible to her and now she’s dating the guy she likes which sucks but Jodi’s not entitled to Stig’s affections and he clearly likes Kimmy back but she’s acting like Stig is rightfully hers or smth

Sam is the best thing about about this movie so far, like his character is annoying but he’s actually not bland and is somewhat amusing to watch

also I literally can’t remember his character’s name, they just call him Dunkers or Dunkleman, they haven’t mentioned his first name since they first introduced him so I’m just gonna keep calling him Sam

he just kissed her even though he has a girlfriend... Jodi, run away girl

why is she enabling her sister’s extreme dieting?? This is a teen movie, they should really not be normalising this

I don’t know if it’s because of Griffin’s acting or because of how bland the other characters are so far but Sam is actually my favourite character so far even though he’s annoying and is actively trying to sabotage their relationship... like at least he has personality

also she keeps going on about how tall girls never get the guy or aren’t considered attractive or whatever but she’s had 3 GUYS be interested in her throughout the course of the movie

this kissing scene is making me very uncomfortable... like it’s sooooo zoomed in on their faces to show how they’re all looking at each other

who let Sam just come into her room while she’s sleeping???

he’s sitting on her bed and watching her hello????

he’s now weirdly touching her hair

SHE FUCKIN DECKED HIM SHKSHDKSJ and he deserved it

also this has been bothering me for a while but why does this kid wear so many rings. Who made this style choice bc it adds nothing to his character and imo just looks weird

I’ve also been noticing this for a few scenes but her house is SUPER nice, damn. Like she’s definitely rich, which makes the “You think your life is hard?” comment even more tone deaf.

okay Sam’s actually redeemed himself, if your friend wouldn’t charge at someone way bigger than them with a fucking crate for being an asshole to you are they even your friend

although DAMN if he’d actually hit him with that crate he could have seriously injured him, he was going straight for the head

why was everyone cheering so much for that bland, cheesy speech that was all about her. If I were in that crowd I’d just be like “girl get down & let us enjoy our dance, jesus.” Like realistically hardly anyone would be invested or really care about what she has to say because they literally don’t know or care about her. The movie’s acting like she’s known by everyone in the school, when in reality while people would recognise her they probably really don’t care that much.

also yes, some people in her school are assholes but I refuse to believe that the majority of her school constantly going on about her height - especially if she’s been at the school for a long time, they should be well past used to it by now. Most people in the crowd probably literally just don’t care about her at all and just want this to be over

this guy carried his shit around in a milk crate for all this time JUST IN CASE she ever wanted to kiss him?? I honestly don’t know how to feel about this because on one hand that’s a really extra level of dedication, which I somewhat respect but on the other hand... it’s just way too much

I literally feel nothing for this couple at all - I like Sam but as a couple, I wasn’t rooting for them or particularly happy or satisfied when they got together. Also, they didn’t show Jodi liking him at all up until this point. He was in love with her but there was no indication that she had any kind of feelings for him whatsoever. I guess it could be one of those situations where something happens and you see them in a whole new light and realise that you’ve been overlooking them the whole time but I feel like the timespan between her realising this and then getting together was way too short for me to actually care about them as a couple because for like 98% of the movie the attraction was completely one sided. If they’d shown her starting to have feelings for him earlier in the movie, e.g. when he started dating Liz, and shown her feeling jealous or upset or anything that indicates she actually does have underlying feelings for him but is scared to date him because of the height difference or whatever, I think I would’ve found the romance way more believable.

Also the characters of colour are so underdeveloped & sidelined in this movie - there’s Fareeda, who is literally just a walking “angry black girl”+”sassy supportive black friend” stereotype. She has no other development throughout this entire film. We literally know nothing about her other than that she’s Jodi’s best friend and always sticks up for / supports her even though she’s clearly ungrateful. Kimmy is a one dimensional caricature of a Mean Girl with apparently nothing else that matters to her but being a dick to Kimmy for no reason and being popular and being Homecoming Queen. There’s literally no reason given for why she hates Jodi so much either, because she’s never shown being awful to anyone else - she just really has it out for Jodi. And apart from Fareeda, the only named characters of colour only exist to be rejected romantic interests for the white characters and have no purpose or personality beyond this.

Overall I wouldn’t say this was the worst movie I’ve watched but I disliked it more than a lot of objectively worse movies I’ve watched - it was definitely one of the least enjoyable and most frustrating movies I’ve ever watched. I was hoping that even though the premise seemed dumb it would still be a cute, enjoyable teen movie - but they focused so much on how much supposed adversity she faced and how difficult life is for a tall girl that it’s hard to focus on anything else. Honestly I think that if they’d just cut out all of the dialogue about how hard life was for her, about adversity, about how “tall girls don’t get happy endings” or whatever, the movie could actually have been somewhat enjoyable with the rest of the plot being the same. It could’ve just been about a taller-than-average girl who feels insecure about her height trying to date a tall guy but realising her best friend is actually the right guy for her - and realising that it’s not the world that’s holding her back, it’s actually her own insecurities. My opinions on the quality of the plot and romance are obviously just my opinions and you obviously don’t have to agree with them but I don’t think you can deny how objectively tone deaf the premise is and how the characters of colours are basically sidelined and only exist to support the white character’s storylines, which is why I’m definitely putting this movie in the Never Watch Again pile.

#tall girl #tall girl spoilers #movie review #kind of #it’s not really a review it’s just an outpouring of my thoughts but it’s still Reviewing the movie

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michael-radi-the-glamorous-life · 5 years

Text

Let The Sunshine In

Lately, I’ve been hearing a common refrain from people throughout my life - friends, family, students, parents, and even strangers and acquaintances on social media…

“I’m just so tired. Everything is exhausting.”

And when exploring this a little further, I’ve begun to notice a pattern. A very common pattern, in fact, and one that I have fallen into many times.

Does this - or something like it - sound familiar?

Wake up

Caffeinate/Eat

Work

Eat

Work

Exercise perhaps?

Obligations

Eat

Obligations

Zombie out in front of electronics

Sleep

Rinse and repeat.

This is a common pattern - and I have absolutely nothing against patterns or routines, I personally thrive off them! But the above doesn’t seem to be leaving much, if any, time for joy.

Now, I’m not talking about carving out big periods of time on a daily basis for “relaxation” or regularly skiving off obligations to instead do something fun. What I’m talking about is finding a way to include just a little bit of joy in your daily life. Just a little bit of sunshine amidst all the necessities.

But how?

Walking Proudly In Our Winter Coats

“Michael, why are we talking about this? You’re not a life coach, so what’s the artistic spin here?”

Excellent question as always, dear reader!

Do you ever notice how we sometimes wear our exhaustion as a badge of honor? We may hate how tired we are, but then we’ll compare how run-down we feel to how our friends, enemies, frenemies, and/or strangers feel.

Of course we do, we’ve been conditioned to do that! *Work yourself to death for that money, or die trying!*

But this overworking is a strictly capitalist idea - it’s meant to produce output, not creativity. It’s about the greater machine, not the individual. It’s about achieving what we’ve been told to achieve or what we need to achieve for survival, not about what we are interested in or what we desire.

Therefore, dear reader, it’s relevant to art because creation is something we do to bring us joy in our lives.

For many artists, even though our art is our careers, we are often not getting paid enough by our creative endeavors to work purely in that field on a daily basis. So we must take other jobs as well that may not be as fulfilling (though hopefully they are adjacent to our careers), but at least they make us the money we need to survive and fuel the creative side.

But when there is no time or energy left in our routines - something that tends to be a gradual shift and which we don’t see happening - the art and the joy are left to the wayside. And then the world is a lot less beautiful and interesting.

Exhaustion is not a badge to wear. An inability to be energized is not good. A lack of joy, large or small, is not positive for anyone.

Ultimately, however, it is us who has control.

Simple Joys

There are countless things in life that could potentially bring us joy, which means there are a million and a half ways of incorporating those things into our lives.

I can only speak from personal experience and the experiences of those I am close to, but I think the basic principles can be applied to most everyone.

Here are the things that we first need to know:

Was there a time my daily routine made me happier? Have you always felt this way - just tired all the time? Or was there a time when things were better? When was that?

What changed? If there was a less overwhelming time, what is the difference between then and now? Perhaps even write out what your day looked like then and what it looks like now. What’s different? Is there an obvious shift of some sort?

What small things bring you joy? These can be things that, perhaps, you used to have or do that have fallen to the wayside recently. Or these can be things that you like to do, but you only reserve them for specified “relaxation times.” Or perhaps they are changes you’d like to make, but just haven’t figured out how yet.

What in your daily life is exhausting you the most? Sure, most of life is tiring. Everything demands energy from us - work, travel, family, clients, social obligations, unexpected events, emergencies, phone calls, texts, emails…the list goes on. But what are your top, biggest drains? Can anything be shifted to make these less exhausting in any way?

Are there smaller exhaustions you can get rid of? These are things like not answering work emails after 5:00pm. Or, deciding that you don’t have to pick up the phone every time it rings. Can the smaller things be gotten rid of or diminished?

Now, do you see ways to incorporate the small joys into your daily routine? Have you actually created spaces that can be filled? Or do you see any flexibility?

This process is not of my creation, it was recommended to me by a therapist friend of mine several years ago. At the time I was young and stupid and proud, and totally ignored the advice.

Bad move.

I allowed myself to go from feeling tired all the time, to absolutely exhausted and depressed. Again, this is a common pattern that sooooo many of us fall into. But! This process is fantastic and it works.

Allow me to give you an example from my own life.

Sweet Summer Evenings, Hot Wine and Bread

Last year my routine began to feel tiring and stale.

In addition to the tons of work I was doing for my job, I was working like a madman during any and all open times in my schedule to prepare The King’s Legacy and its materials for the upcoming production.

I wasn’t creating. My lists had lists. Anxiety was building into sleeplessness. Exercise became too much of a chore. Food was becoming a struggle. In other words - I was leaning into all of the behaviors that perpetuate exhaustion instead of fighting it.

Super common pattern.

There wasn’t a ton of leeway in my schedule to do anything about it, but I decided to shoehorn some flexibility in there anyway. I couldn’t stand the tiredness any longer. So…

Step 1 - The blog. I began to write this blog on a weekly basis. Perhaps there wasn’t enough time in my schedule to work on a new project or do much in-depth writing, but at the very least I could write a weekly, one-off piece to whet the creative muscles.

Step 2 - Podcasts. I love learning. I’m a huge nerd (surprise!) and I adore information. So I began taking my long commute drives and turning them into educational sessions by listening to podcasts. Instead of feeling tired at the end of my commute, I felt engaged and productive. I gained energy instead of losing it.

Step 3 - Greens. When working on Long Island I often buy a meal while I’m out there - partially for convenience and partially for lack of time. But I was always trying to be super conscious of how much money I was spending, and that was driving my food choices. Therefore, I wasn’t eating as many healthy choices as I could have been. So I decided to suck it up, pay the extra $3/day, and get a big ole salad as my daily LI lunch. Turns out that healthy foods really are that important.

Step 4 - Order the damned coffee. I love coffee and always have. Not for the caffeine necessarily, I just love coffee. I was feeling super guilty about the extra caffeine, cost, and stomach acid that was coming from my afternoon coffees before work, but I also work afternoons into the evenings and needed to remain awake enough to teach. So, I made the decision to just do it. Make it part of the day, no questions asked. It’s no longer a daily choice to get the coffee, it’s routine, and therefore no reason to feel guilt. Apparently, that small amount of daily guilt was draining more pre-work energy than the coffee had been providing.

Step 5 - Socialize. I realized about halfway through last year that I hadn’t been seeing my friends as regularly as I previously had been. Instead, I was choosing to spend all of my time working. As soon as I made the choice to stop working and socialize at least once per week, there was a marked improvement in my happiness level.

And these were just the changes that I made last year. Since returning from the summer, I came prepared with a plan to add even more happiness into my daily life. Here are some other changes I’ve made:

Buying scented candles - They may be expensive, but they make me feel calm and productive. Seems worth it.

New exercise routine - The old one was stale and not giving me the necessary endorphins.

Eating - I’ve stopped being as worried about counting calories, and thinking more about which foods I eat and how they will (positively, I hope) affect my body.

No more double screens - I used to scroll through my phone while watching TV at night and I think it made me overstimulated and anxious. Now, I take care of my social media first when I get home, then watch a little TV. Seems to help.

These little changes are working for me. I feel more energized and more ready to attack the day all day long. They may be tiny alterations, but they do add up.

Why Not Go Ahead?

I know that everyone is different. Peoples’ schedules and struggles and energy levels and physical/mental situations vary greatly.

But this is all I urge you to do:

If you’re one of those people feeling constantly exhausted, I want you to first forgive yourself. It’s okay to feel that way, and it doesn’t have to be a forever problem.

Then, I want you to take the time to evaluate, but do it on your schedule. When you’re able. No pressure. But, as I learned, it really is good advice from the mental health field and it does help.

And lastly, find some simple joys. Whether that be buying all the pumpkin spice you can consume, writing for 15 minutes two days per week, shutting off your phone at night, or planning a little me-time into your week…whatever it is, it will help rebalance your energy levels.

Find a little sunshine and let it in.

#glamorous life blog #glamorous life #sunshine #let the sunshine in #simple joys #joy #energy #exhaustion #tiredness #pattern #routine #creation #create #art #artist #time #time management

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tenecity · 6 years

Text

dead

requested: yes

genre: angst, a little fluff

masterlist

❝ you say you can live without me so why aren’t you dead yet?❞ —dead, by Madison Beer

❝ you could be here, but you’re there. ❞

You irritatingly press the phone icon again and press the now warm screen again your hot ear. Pacing up and down the empty hallway, your teeth capture your lips again and they knaw hard on the chapped skin, breaking it eventually, a light trickle of blood staining your pale lips, but you couldn’t care less. All you care about at the moment is, where is Chengcheng?

For the 30th time, he doesn’t answer and your determination breaks down into nothingness. Collapsing on the couch, you face the door, heavy eyelids trying not to fall shut as you curl your body in, hope against hope that Chengcheng will come back home today.

And he does.

It’s 5:20am when you open your eyes to the light creak of your door. You open your eyes as a blurry figure appears at the doorway, trying as much as possible to be quiet. Seeing that you are already awake however, he noisily drops his shoes and lets out a loud sigh, making his way towards you. “I’m so sorry princess. Work got us up all night, I couldn’t come back any earlier.” The smiling facade takes over your furrowed brows and you let out a soft smile. “It’s okay. I know you’ve got a lot of work to do. It’s okay.” Fingers thread through his soft locks and you run your fingers through his hair, combing the messy locks back and a genuine smile plays on your lips as he leans in to your touch.

“Can I make up to it?”

The softly said words don’t wait for an answer as he leans in, dry but soft lips meeting your chapped ones. The same bubbling sensation, that same, familiar feeling of want courses through your veins as you loop your arms around his, carefully sitting up as he makes his way to sit on the couch, gently shifting you to sit comfortably on his lap.

His fingers dance against skin, hands tracking soothing circles on back. Lips find their way slowly trailing their way to your jawline and down your neck, pressing soft kisses against your sensitive skin, sending shivers down your spine.

“I love you”s were whispered against the smooth skins, onto each other’s lips, echoing through the empty flat. You sigh, whether in pleasure or in relief that he is finally back, finally right next to you, you have no idea. You just know he leaves your skin burning at his touch, sparks at where his lips meet yours, leaving your mind fuzzing like you’ve been drunk.

Eventually, the two of you pull apart breathless but grinning like idiots, foreheads leaned against each other as you steady your breaths. As the puffs of air slow, he gently carries you towards the bed, crawling under the covers, holding your head close to his chest.

And as you snuggle into the crook of his neck, taking a deep breath of his cinnamon scent, your lips pull into a smile.

He is finally here, and not there, somewhere.

Morning sun rays filter gently through your fluttering lace curtains, causing your eyelids to flutter open. Your arms stretch, in hopes of finding a certain boy next to you, but the mattress is cold as always, and he is no longer there. Emptiness fills the pit of your stomach as you scroll through your phone. Once again, you find his apology message, same as always; “I’m so sorry princess, the manager called us early, so I had to go first. See you soon princess, :)”

But right from the very first words to the last few characters, you know he is lying. He never “sees you soon”. The last time you two actually met, actually had physical contact like last night’s, was 21 and ⅔ days ago. 520 hours ago. The last time, as always, he had said he was sorry and he would see you soon.

But, if he really was that sorry,

Why did he have to come to you only 520 hours later, to say I love you?

It’s a lovely Saturday. The rain drops have evaporated from last night’s storm, leaving the atmosphere cool and fresh, crisp with some morning dew.

Taking large strides, you count the number of steps you need to reach from one end of the park to another. As numbers fill your mind, you try hard to distract yourself, but images of him, laughing, head thrown back; kissing, mature and reliable; eyes darting, not meeting yours as he tries to find another excuse for not coming home; your messages not answered till one, two days later, even though you could clearly see that he was active on Weibo.

When you saw Chengcheng in high school, you didn’t see what everyone saw. You didn’t see him as Fan Bingbing’s sister, you didn’t see him as a spoilt, rich kid, you didn’t see him as 高冷, high, mighty and cold.

You saw through the layers of facades, you saw through the labels and identities stuck on to him. You saw him, Fan Chengcheng, authentic, raw. You saw a boy, mature beyond his years, understanding that he needed to be a step ahead of everyone else in order to excel. Understanding that he had a name to live up to, and yet at the same time, was looking for ways to carve an identity for himself, one not tarnished with his sister’s fame, or his family’s riches or the names the bullies in school called him.

He was looking to create an identity that belonged to him, and him only.

And you loved him for that. You loved how he wasn’t willing to hide in the shadows as many family members of celebrities do. He was willing to step out, acknowledge his sister’s success, but at the same time, declare that he was a different person, he wasn’t his sister. He was determined to succeed with his own hardwork and talent, and not make use of a foundation that wasn’t intended for him.

You two, well, were partners in crime. Skipping class occasionally, having dates at the nearby ice cream store, sleeping in class, blowing up some chemicals in the lab. You two were complementary pieces of a puzzle; fitting perfectly with each other.

When you heard that he wanted to become an idol, you were all for it. You gave him your utmost support, cheering him on in the background.

But perhaps because you were in the background, you felt like you were fading with the black and white wallpapers, becoming invisible.

He didn’t go public with your relationship, claiming his manager said it would “decrease his market value”. He didn’t acknowledge you when you passed by each other backstage, in front of the cameras, claiming that he didn’t want people to start rumours and say mean things about you.

He said he was trying to protect you, protect us.

But you couldn’t help but wonder. What if he was lying?

He whispered comforting words into your hair over and over again, denying the above. And you believed every word of it. You sucked it up, telling yourself, you chose this, you chose to be the girlfriend of an up and coming famous idol. You knew this was going to happen.

But sometimes you wonder. Was this really what was supposed to happen? Ignored, until he needed something from you? Did you not do enough, to at least receive just a tiny bit of his attention or affection?

Recently, he hardly comes home. Your observant eyes and paranoid mind scrutinised every weibo update, every fanmeet, every commercial. And your heart sinks at your conclusion.

He looks so happy in the updates, in the fanmeets, genuinely enjoying himself. You’ve known him for so long, so well. You know what’s genuine and what isn’t.

The smile in front of those cameras, those cheeky grins, that laughter, all of it was genuine.

But in front of you, that soft smile that leaves the corner of his lips just slightly downturned, the grins that don’t quite meet his eyes, the fleeting laughter, it was like he put them up just for show.

They weren’t genuine anymore.

You realise, slowly and surely, as your heart starts to tear bit by bit, ripping apart every time he comes home—he only ever comes back when something terrible happens at work.

He comes home, steals a steamy kiss or two, sleeps next to you for an hour or two, and goes back out again, to solve that one pitch he can’t hit, to solve those lyrics that he can’t seem to rhyme.

It was like he was drunk whenever he came back, drunk on exhaustion, drunk on stress, drunk on his work.

And you were the cure for that drunkenness, a medication used specifically when he was drunk, when he needed to lash out his anger and relieve his stress.

You were just a toy in our dear Fan Chengcheng’s game to success. Just a pawn, love.

Footsteps halt abruptly at that thought. Whipping out your phone, you text him.

you

Tonight’s our 2 year anniversary, Chengcheng. Dinner at 6? :)

prince cheng

Of course, princess :) The Chinese restaurant across our place?

you

Sure

It’s 5.20pm and you look at yourself in the mirror. Perfect. You nod at yourself, approving of your look. Chengcheng would love it.

5.40pm, you leave for the restaurant, taking your time as you drink in the bustling city life.

6.00pm, he isn’t here.

6.30pm, he calls but you don’t pick it up.

6.40pm, he calls for the tenth time, and you eventually answer.

“Princess, you ok? I called so many times-”

“Chengcheng, where are you?”

“Look, I’m sorry princess. It’s just...Xukun made up this sick beat and melody and I was so absorbed in writing the lyrics, I forgot about the time. Y/n, this song’s going to be such a hit, it’s sooooo good, Kun-ge is a genius, honestly. Here, you want to listen to it-”

“It’s okay. See you soon, Chengcheng.” You say softly, and tap ‘End Call’, your phone shutting off with a soft click of the button.

12.40am, he rushed back home just as you’re about to go to bed.

“Y/n, I’m so sorry, I really-”

“Let’s break up.” You’re surprised at how calm you sound, when a storm is raging inside of you.

“What?”

“I said let’s break up.”

“Why? Just because I didn’t come home for our second year anniversary? Don’t be petty, y/n.”

You scoff. “Petty? Me, petty?” A sarcastic laugh ripples through the air. “I’m not being petty, Fan Chengcheng. Listen carefully. I’m just wanting what any girlfriend would want. Attention, affection, love, Fan Chengcheng! You only ever come back when you’ve got some music block or something, do you realise that?

“You’re just using me to relieve your stress, just to help you get through your rough times at work. And while that’s what I should be doing, Chengcheng, I need you too.

“This isn’t a one sided thing, ok? This is me and you, this is us. Did I not do enough for you to even sacrifice your work for once and come back here?” Hot tears stream down your flushed face.

You squint at him through your blurry vision, hoping to find a trace of concern or guilt on his face. But his pale face is blank. Just blank. Emotionless.

“Y/n, I’m an idol. My work is important ok? I can’t stop working. The moment I stop working, someone is going to take my place and-”

“Oh,” you throw your hands up in mock surrender. “So your work is so important to a point where I don’t matter any more, is that it?”

“Y/n, will you stop overreacting! That’s not what I meant-”

“Do you even love me anymore?” You hate how vulnerable you sound.

“....”

The smile that tugs at your lips is burdened with sadness. “So I thought. So let’s break up.”

“Please, Y/n, please.” His words are soft and wobbly, as if on the edge of the cliff. His arms snake around yours and his head buries into your neck, lips placing a soft kiss on the exposed skin there.

“I can’t live without you.”

You laugh, the chuckle cutting through the heavy atmosphere. “Bullshit, Fan Chengcheng. You say you can’t live without me? Well, you seem completely fine in those fanmeets and commercials, and you sound genuinely happy when you’re composing.

“Why aren’t those genuine smiles transferred back home? Why are the smiles so fake, the words now all lies?”

A new wave of tears are choking you, leaving you gasping for air, but you resist the urge to break down.

“You know you can’t lie to me, Fan Chengcheng. I can see it. I can see all of it! You don’t love me anymore, and you see me as a burden.”

His mouth opens, as if about to deny all that you have said. But he swallows the words as he watches you helplessly, arms limp by his side.

❝ you say you can live without me so why aren’t you dead yet?❞ The sneer is evident and menace drips along the sharp edges of your words.

It is only when the door is slammed shut with a final, grim click, do you slump to the ground, tears flowing down your cheeks in an unstoppable stream as you feel it, your heart finally tearing into two pieces, broken shards everywhere.

Outside, the raindrops pelt lightly against the window pane. And eventually, you pick up the broken pieces of your heart and sew them together, and before you know it, you’re doing better than ever.

Because at least, you’re not a used toy anymore.

BREAKING NEWS: FAMOUS BOY BAND MEMBER DIES IN CAR CRASH

The straight, flat line and the annoying buzz can only do so much to numb your pain.

Silent tears roll down your cheeks as you gently caress the pale, cold cheeks of Chengcheng.

You stumble over your whisper as you choke out, "Can I make it up to you?"

But awh, sweetie, it's already too late.

Outside, the storm rages on.

#masterlist #requests

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purpledragonbae · 2 years

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Day 7 of the follow your joy challenge:

I failed to write yesterday but ultimately I kind of lost balance the last two days and texted my partner feeling like he doesn’t love me and essentially he then broke up with me.

I feel so horrible. Falling in love sucks. Like what the fuck is the point. You just fall in, lose yourself completely, and then have to climb out one step at a time and rebuild seemingly over and over.

I felt a ton of fear in this relationship. I didn’t feel secure. There were definitely things he did or didn’t do to make me feel that way, as well as all my fears of the past came up.

I hate the feeling of being unsure of what was intuition and what was fear. It is so confusing. Also sometimes it just feels like are there any guys out there who want to build a life with someone? Everyone is protecting their Selves which just causes what they fear. Including me.

So anyways - it’s been a bit tough to feel inspired to follow my joy, but I still hung out with a friend last night, and tonight I’m going to play soccer. But ya I felt really broken today and sad.

He said he wanted to be friends still. This just boggles my mind. Like I am not good at being friends with exes at all.

I ended up calling him last night and pouring my heart out and saying I don’t want it to be over and that I see how I’ve been pushing him away. He admitted he has been too. We talked about the dynamic that got created from our fear and talked about how we want the relationship to be. He has no idea what he wants still, other than space.

It’s so strange because it feels like I’m going through a very similar pattern of a relationship as I did with an ex I have that completely broke me. I was so in love with him.

I do this thing where I fall sooooo deeply in love with people and get insanely attached. Like it feels like my physical body is holding into them and they’re slowly being ripped from inside me. I don’t know why this is other than I’m very open to love and love love.

But it makes it scary because of how deeply I feel this shit. I just want my past to stop affecting my life. I just want to open my heart for good and attract only the most high vibration people.

It felt like such a power dynamic playing out with my bf/ex. Like we were both having all our fears coming up and all it did it create space between us, make us not be ourselves, and ruin what actually has the potential to be epic.

I feel like there are so many bad perspectives on love and like how to pursue it. Sometimes it feels like everyone is disposable in this world. It’s sad. But I guess in a way it’s true. Like there are so many people in this world. But sometimes it’s hard to lose people.

I think there’s a hurtful movement of people cutting others from their life in hopes to up level and cut energy drains. This is what I was feeling with my bf in a way. Like my mind was thinking he was holding me back. Maybe he was. Maybe I was.

Is a relationship that doesn’t hold the two people back even possible? How do you expand freely while maintaining a relationship. How can two people grow separately but still stay aligned?

Love confuses the fuck out of me. I’m really at the point of being hopeless about it. I keep having hope and going into things with an open heart but totally fucking it up and having the same fucking dynamics play out over and over. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone because I feel like I am doing the work but it doesn’t change. I’m so hopeless about this.

Maybe relationships just aren’t for me. There’s a massive part of me longing for one and longing for that lifelong partner, while another part of me doesn’t even believe it’s possible.

A broken heart is so painful. It literally feels like you merge with another being and then they take part of you with them.

I have some deep wounds about worthiness and about abandonment and they just keep getting reopened over and over again, and the sad part is a cause it by fearing it. I know this. I see this. But this energy is so powerful it takes me over. The fear is so strong.

Following my joy today would look like me crying and doing nothing and eating shitty food. I’m trying to sit with the pain and still remain unconditionally happy. I’m trying to practice the teachings of the untethered soul. There is so much we can’t control, but our inner joy is in our control.

I wasn’t happy with my partner. I was sad and depressed most of our relationship. I felt insanely lonely. He was very introverted and at first he wanted to be near me all the time but slowly pulled away. Especially when my hormones got a bit off. Like from taking plan b. Anyways… it just hurts.

Trying to feel loveable while having the whole outside tell you otherwise is confusing.

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bigbrotherfiore · 4 years

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episode six: “i am about to shake this house down boots ” - addilyn

hoh: addilyn

evicted: rich

MIKKI: https://youtu.be/CBq0rnYR8mk

SZYMON: https://youtu.be/54DwTSjkhdw

SZYMON: https://youtu.be/SIByJuI7KtA

HALEY: https://youtu.be/wUZEHzxZB5w

daly said callout elise for playing both sides the MOMENT she stops playing both sides. im so mad. and admits that i was on the outs of their lil 4 so like bye whatever i dont even... im mad. because i think there is a difference between angrily saying someone is dangerous and outright exposing shit and also saying im in some alliance that im NOT in, he was wrong, so clearly i was right to say byeee because he thought that was a thing.

im just floundering. i feel the tension and i hate it. i dont know who i can trust of austin/sara even tho i want to and i'd lean towards neither even tho austin is trying to send me nice dms like "oh fuck" like yeah oh fuck dude ugh i dont even know what to say. addilyn should nom rich as the target but idk if i am in danger of going up beside him or as a renom. im on the outs of the entire game rn and pretty expendable to most people. i was hoping for hoh to prove my loyalty but i completely fucked it up by fumbling with my timer so RIP. hopefully i can survive regardless but it's definitely gonna be a hard path from here on out and i have no idea how to rebuild right now because nobody has any real trust for me. im gonna talk to some people more like lana and see what i can do. i could reach out to the bottom but i know they'd throw me under the bus no questions asked for doing that. my gameplay was not good this round, floaty untrustworthy lookin ass, but maybe i can make like regina george and survive being under the bus.

WHO WANT'S TO SEE MY HOH ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM feeling very glad i finally won a comp.. after coming second... This is far too much power for me to handle. But I am about to shake the house down BOOTS..........

So giving Daly a pity vote at this last eviction might have done more damage than good. Haley is pissed and wants to know who the other vote is and I can't tell her it was me, especially after I just told her I knew Daly before this game. It is also kinda hurting my own game because people are thinking that I was the vote to keep Daly and lol I was

Every day that continues in this house, it just makes it harder and harder to not tell Haley that I also know Sara as well from before this game began. I truly do believe that if I mention to her that I know Sara after seeing how she reacted about the Daly thing, I think that would be the end of our friendship. On the other hand, after this game she is going to find out regardless and she will probably never talk to me again... Luckily I told her about the Daly thing after he was already gone from the game or else that could have been really bad

Addilyn is the new HOH and I think this is good for my own personal game tbh... We have that Winnipeg connection and I truly believe she wants to keep me in this game because she gets genuine vibes from me. Unfortunately Rich and/or Sara will nominated this week and that will be a whole hassle to deal with

This game has become really unenjoyable over the last 24 hours for the reason that I hate having to lie to the people I genuinely love in this game. Knowing Sara and Daly from before this game really put me in a shitty position from Day 1. I didn't know either of them were applying but when they were both casted, I wanted to work with both of them immediately, then Haley came along. Haley has been my rock in this game and I know that I can trust her with my life in this game. She tells me everything about her game and it kills me to have to keep secrets from her but if she knew about me knowing Sara as well as Daly she would instantly not trust me and I want to go to the end with her...

I am getting real sick of Jakey in this game. He is going around starting rumours about every single person in this house and I am getting sick of it. It is clear he is working with Addilyn and Mikki because some things I have said to them only has gotten back to him word for word and that is upsetting because I really did trust Addilyn and Mikki and feel a little betrayed by them, especially if Addilyn nominated me this week after telling me I would be 100% safe

So another week where I escaped the block. Unfortunately Sara and Rich are on the block but all hope isn't over yet. We still have Devil's Lair and POV to get them off. Rich asked if I would play in the POV as his houseguests choice but I really didn't want people to see how close we are so I convinced him that picking Haley would be a better option for us. Hopefully I am not screwing myself over by setting myself up for the backdoor option this week...

LMAO not haley lying to me about not talking to Austin or ferg much when I know they're in an alliance together and her and Austin make it SO obvious that they are a duo. I can't help but laugh. it's cute how they think they are slick when they are literally MESSAGING ME THE SAME TIME, and like start messaging me after the other and then end at the same time it's just.....so obvious. like guys please try harder???? if you wanna be a secret duo keep it more secret??? you're literally in an alliance together I- and I know about it because you're aligned with MY secret duo. ahhhhh how cute of you to try how cute how cute. I'm so bitter and over these people like so over it every single thing out of haley and Austins mouths is FAKE and they think they are being so great at playing people but I'm sitting here playing them back it's so exhausting keeping up a fake conversation. the sad thing is I think I would love haley outside of this game. but in it she annoys the crap out of me because she's sooooo fake and boring. I'm over it.

So I somehow managed to avoid the block this week, considering a number of people were trying to get me up beside Rich because they were worried I would save him, which I would LOL. So from here, I have to casually try to sway the votes for Rich to stay, depending how the Devils Lair goes... I really don’t want to lose Rich and Mazden isn’t even playing this game so it’s not a difficult decision for me.

Rich is probably leaving tomorrow and this game is just getting worse and worse for me... It is literally killing me not being able to tell Haley about the full relationships I have with Daly and Sara and the longer I wait, the worse it is getting... I actually feel like a horrible human being lying to her...

(a little while later)

So I came clean to Haley about the whole knowing Sara/Daly thing because I do truly trust her with my life with in this game. Sara is probably gonna smack me when she finds this out but I will ensure that it won't affect her game. Haley means a lot to me and I couldn't wait until the end of the game to tell her or else she would probably never talk to me again.

So uh... there’s a lot to unpack here but really all I can say is that I’m really disappointed in myself for letting a dumb game really get to me and make me feel real things. Austin, Sara, and Daly all knew each other. AND have gamed together before. And took 1st, 2nd, 3rd in a previous game. Honestly, when he told me, I should have been more surprised but I wasn’t. I know I should be used to more people lying to me but he was like the #1 person I wasn’t lying to. And because of all of the work he put in to our relationship I believed he wasn’t either. But I was SO wrong. Poor rich, he and I connected immediately. And I know I stated before I don’t know who I would have picked, but I have a gross gut feeling that it would have been Austin based solely on how often we talked. Which makes me feel sick that I betrayed someone who I was great with for someone who did nothing but lie to me. Austin admitted he was the daly vote. And last night when he told me I told him I understood the vote but I didn’t understand the continued lying. And I’m not sure I stand behind that. I know this is a game of cut throat, do what you gotta do, scheming, etc... but I wasn’t here to play that way and Austin knew that. The fact that he voted against me at all really pisses me off and just hurts tbh. And Sara continually making comments about the daly thing makes so much more sense now. Like yeah I realize now how good you felt with him. You knew him! But I didn’t! BUT IF I HEAR YOU SAY WE NEED HIM OR HE WOULD HAVE HELPED THIS ONE MORE TIME ILL SNAP. You’re in my alliance, not daly. And If we all could have agreed on a renom or you let me put up jakey when I wanted to we wouldn’t be here. I also wouldn’t have put him up if I knew you all knew each other. I wanna tell sara really badly that I know. And I think rich deserves to know more than anybody. But I told Austin I’m not the type to ruin people’s games. So I’m not going to make a liar out of myself. WHICH REALLY SUCKS BECAUSE I LOVED MY IDEA OF A CAMEO GOODBYE FROM AN ACTUAL HOUSEGUEST DISHING ALL OF MY TEA. I don’t know where I want to go from here. I’ve put a lot of time and energy in to someone who didn’t need to. He had other people and was most likely playing me the entire time, he swears he wasn’t but there’s been so many lies I don’t even care anymore. I’m literally just so annoyed I let myself get here. I truly don’t want to play anymore, I don’t know if I have the emotional capacity to continue. Depending on who wins next week, I might volunteer to be a pawn and do some stupid shit to go. I’m not interested in just quitting, I don’t wanna ruin their game like that. But I’d rather have my fellow houseguests think I’m just a really bad game player rather than a coward who quit. Because it’s going to look like I quit for nothing. And really I did it to save myself from continually getting hurt, which is the first really selfish game move I plan on playing.

I am getting really sick of Sara/Haley/Rich talking about quitting this game just because we aren’t in power for one week. Yes, I will admit I was thinking about quitting my own but it was because I had to keep a huge lie from someone I truly do like and it was making her cry killed me but I wouldn’t ever go thru with it and to think that they are thinking of quitting just because things aren’t going our way for one week is really getting annoying...

Click HERE to see the Goodbye Messages for Rich.

youtube

#bbfiore #episodes

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pastorofnone · 6 years

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Becoming more radical in 2018

***Long post but includes things I just haven't had the time or energy to write out on social media

New Years is coming up and I just wanted to touch on some thoughts and notes that I gathered from this week's VWPA podcast. These ladies have been so incredibly influential for me this year, and I wanted to make a master post of some points that were made in this year's podcasts that were kind of summed in an episode talking about what we can do in 2018. A lot of these tie in to each other in several ways but here we go, Here's the princess' list of tips for becoming more radicalized in 2018: 1. Reject all diet talk. Just. Say. No! It's all bullshit. Body talk, fat shaming/body shaming... this time of year it is so prevalent. Media and advertisers have been pushing consumers to eat like crap for 3 months, and now they're gonna make you feel shitty, and ~make new resolutions~ and ~lose the weight~ and it's New Years, everyone wants a fresh start, etc. There's this constant "waiting" period for people, putting your life on hold until you are the person you want to be, the new you, tying your body to a certain quality of life and it's all bullshit. And as for disabled people of all types, don't worry about not looking or behaving in a certain way that society expects you to. All of it is a scam and decide that you're already the person you want to be, and go up from there. For some disabled people (mental illness included) you may never get better, and don't hold yourself from what you CAN do. Dating and relationships are hard when you don't like your body. Not liking having adventures or being vulnerable because you don't like your body is sad and you should never deprive yourself of experiences because of feelings surrounding how you look. Be mindful of where your goals are coming from. Try to make your goals come from a place of self love in regards to everything, including lifestyle changes that affect your body. 2. Resist. This revolution is becoming watered down and commercialized, but... in big ways, in small ways, taking days off, chasing a passion, anything you do can be a form of resisting. Resist. You have to be in a good place to continue to keep going. All the systems we operate under that oppress human and non-human animals totally break us down, and resting in and of itself is resisting. This is the second year of the Trump presidency. We're exhausted and burnt out and everyone needs a reminder, I think, that it's a marathon-- not a sprint. Challenge all the pressures that make you feel uncomfortable. Push back. Shut down your TV, read books, self soothe. Anything that makes you feel like you're reclaiming yourself and escaping this... capitalist trap we're in. Any time you can intentionally do something, without external expectation, is resistance. A day where you don't experience micro-aggressions is a huge form of activism. Lets stop giving our thoughts and energy to the oppressor. 3. Be kind to yourself. It sucks that we all have to remind each other of this. Self forgiveness is important. Not to say don't learn from your mistakes... but we aren't gonna get through this if we don't take care of ourselves. We need to stop the self deprecation. In revolutionary spaces, I feel like everyone is like "we're not activists if we're not sad and down all the time". There is an unhealthy amount of negativity and self hatred. You can be part of the group and make mistakes. The kinder you can be to yourself, the kinder you can be to other people. This heavily ties into resisting. Use that seemingly silly trick to apply how you'd treat a loved one to yourself. Allow yourself the same compassion. You deserve the same things everyone else does. Not to mention, when you don't apply these standards to yourself, it seriously strains your relationships in your life. Self hatred drives sooooo many of your actions that you're not even aware of. It's definitely a lifelong process to filter these actions, but it's well worth it. 4. Be mindful in and of your relationships. Let's be mindful OF the relationships we have and IN the relationships we have. Are your relationships adding to your life? Enriching your life? You have ups and downs in every relationship, but I think it's important we really evaluate our relationships because they heavily affect our energy and ability to cultivate a good life. Lets look at how we're showing up in our relationship. Are you acting out of insecurity? Are you expecting others to take risk first? Do you expect reassurance because of insecurities you're feeling? Can we be more honest with each other? Lets be real! Lets stop dancing around eachother, (ex: "Do you want the last slice?" "No, I'm good!" "You sure?" "Yeah!.... I mean, yeah, no I'm fine!" or... "Do you need a ride?" "Ummm, no I'll walk! It's okay!") You should be honest with what you want and say. And other people should be, too. And if they're not being honest about what they want, they will learn. Everyones trying to meet social expectations and be polite, we're not saying what we mean, and it's teaching us that honesty is not okay and it creates this whole culture that it's not polite to communicate fully and that you have to lie or cut corners to maintain relationships and that's simply not true and also super backwards and weird. It makes it so we can never tell and we have to try and mind read and it's exhausting! Especially for us introverts out there. Practice in small ways if this seems hard, say "yes I want that". Girls! We're taught to not like... take the thing. Take the thing! Fuckin' take it! Operate in a way where you're not pretending to not be hungry or not want a thing. Trust your friends' word. It will enrich your relationships so much. It's so incredible to be in relationships where you can say what you want and trust that they are saying what they want. It clears up mental space where you're not like "Uh I think they really want this but are saying _____" or "What do they want me to say", etc. It's okay to have this conversation, too! If there's a person you always do these mental dances with: sit down and just be like "Aren't you tired? I wanna be more honest. Wanna join me?" It will alleviate so much anxiety around translating things and trying to please people and build so much trust and communication, and hopefully it will spread to larger circles! It's not impolite to not question every social exchange. Let people be advocates for themselves. If you can be an advocate for yourself about small things, it will be easier to be an advocate for yourself with the big things. Get what you want and need, in a safe space, and hopefully someday we can do that out in the world, which is not a very safe space right now. These are are closest relationships and we're just lying to each other. I don't have the energy to do it anymore, and I have a feeling most people don't, either. A.k.a: Don't say it's fine if it's not, say what you mean, mean what you say. Expect that from the people in your life, too. If you have resentments, it's your responsibility to express them. There are so many misunderstandings that should be non-issues. How do you feel? Does anybody know that you feel that way? 5. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Boundaries in relationships are so! Incredibly! Important! Welcome to Boundaryville. Lets not give more than we're able or let others take more than we are willing to give. A lot of us don't have them or even know what they are but they're kind of... the most important thing to have in a relationship. Do the people in your life respect your boundaries? How do you reinforce the boundaries you've tried to set? It's truly just assessing what you are and are not okay with and feeling confident enough in your needs to communicate these needs. Also, allowing others to set boundaries with us. I'd love to see everyone allowing our relationships to be THAT open. Regardless of being a people pleaser, let's try to not expect certain dialogue to occur or expect anything from one another based on our needs when we haven't communicated them. Boundaries are really scary! People feel impolite and cold when they set them, but in reality, if you're being manipulative to get the responses you need, it's just cutting corners to get what we want. Manipulative isn't always this evil adjective, either, we all become manipulative in some sense when we don't feel comfortable communicating and asking for what we want and need. Manipulation can be a survival tool, a shitty coping mechanism coming from awful childhoods that weren't safe or secure or supportive. The much easier, healthier, kinder thing to do is communicate your boundaries. It can be hard to deal with others' boundaries or a "no", but dealing with the reality of our feelings is so much better than building a collection of unresolved issues and feelings towards one another. Go forth and be brave. Have good relationships in your life and model that by having boundaries. 6. Call shit out. Not every situation is going to be safe and of course take that into account, know the potential consequences are of calling shit out, but I think especially white people: we need to do more than we're doing. We need to keep a constant awareness that there's a lot we ignore, we try to be too polite, we hear inappropriate jokes, we have problematic people in our lives that we give a free pass to. The stakes are real. We have to stamp out bigotry in all it's forms. It flourishes in these small spaces. People aren't simply monsters, they're probably normal, maybe well respected, loved people. There's someone, maybe you, that's choosing to not make the situation a little uncomfy by not saying "Hey, that's not okay. It's not okay to say it and it's not okay to think it and I do not agree with you." Not saying anything makes it come across that we don't disagree with what they're saying. Racism, ableism, transphobia, body shaming, cis sexist comments... they are still so invisible. Jokes around rape culture and anti-consent culture. I'm sick of people acting like it's not a problem. These small comments add up to bigger social constructs. Let's stop being all, "They're normies... they can't help it, I won't say anything... I'll just make a blog post about it." People don't understand why it's bad, especially when it comes to fat-shaming and transphobic comments, I think. Also, stigma around mental illness is still a thing. It's okay to say that you feel that they are being inconsiderate, and problematic, or that maybe they are not educated on things that affect a LOT of people. We really need to step up and attack all forms of oppression. There are humans being left out of a lot of conversations within intersectional oppression. When you can, be a little brave. Spread awareness. You may not see the transition of their thought patterns after a conversation, but often times these confrontations are the beginning of a domino effect and that is the least we can ask for. Racist Uncle Bob may always be racist, he may never change... but maybe Aunt Sally will. Maybe someone else at the dinner table will be like "someone gets it". We get closer to the end goal by doing this, and we find allies this way. I mean conservatives are like, not at ALL shy about their beliefs, so why as leftists are so many of us so nervous as if we're in the wrong when we're the ones trying to ensure the protection of lives of MORE people? Republicans aren't concerned with being polite or quiet. Like we're here, too. Silence is a sign of siding with the oppressors, not the victims. 7. Fight call-out culture. Our anger is justified, but we don't need to lead with it. Call-out culture via the internet has become like... so bullyish? So toxic? Shuts so many conversations down? And I am NOT talking about arguing with nazis, I'm talking about rejecting people and assuming ill intent with everyone and treating everyone like an adversary. I'm tired of seeing so many people looking for one missed word and looking for one misstep and discounting the entire discussion when people are LEARNING. I feel like in everyone's SJW journey everyone goes through periods of anger, but I think staying in this place is doing us nothing and is making us lose our compassion which is the point in the first place. It takes away our ability to educate. It's frustrating to see so many people demonizing allies or victims themselves instead of oppressors and bigots. 8. Embrace nuance. Getting beyond our initial reactions behind things and getting to the core of feelings and issues: having conversations, going deeper than the surface level, fighting defensive reactions. Not every issue is meme-able or summed up in 30 seconds, you can't summarize huge issues that could be centuries old or something that has so so many layers to it. Allies, if you're going to step into an Ally Role, it's your job to have nuance conversation. Yes it's your job to call stuff out, but in a way that facilitates conversation, in a way that is understanding and builds connection. That then frees up the victims to have that healing anger they need to have. Ally anger is not really a healing solution to oppression, and using anger as a weapon is a really easy way to just turn the discussion into ~Ally Theatre~. I understand that when you're first informed of injustice, you're angry, but when you're an Ally on ten about something and shaming everyone, it's prohibitive to anything constructive happening. You're not really doing your job. You should be taking on emotional labor that someone else shouldn't need to. If you're a victim experiencing this, you're pretty much like "I can't hear this anymore!!!" and they shouldn't need to. If you're an Ally, to the point that you can, please try to explain to someone something instead of just shutting it all down. Unless they're being violent or racist, ____phobic, etc in a way that is obvious, yeah shut that shit down and it's pretty much totally acceptable to be like "you're being fucking racist" but there are things that aren't always so apparent. Example: hearing "All Lives Matter", for a lot of us we're like "Shut the fuck up you're being ignorant" but a lot of the time they don't understand why it's wrong and problematic and harmful, it's possible they aren't totally hateful individuals and they do not understand the situation. Ignorant, yes. But probs not actively hating POC. So as an Ally, it's our job to explain why they're being incredibly ignorant and POC can have whatever reaction they need to have. It's almost like in this ~Ally Theatre~ people are like giving themselves cookies for being harsh and reactionary when it's just unnecessary. Victims need support and advocates. Not everything is this elevator pitch explained in 30 seconds and activism is about building community, building understanding. SJWs have just started cannibalizing each other. We can see these big things controlling these issues and we're all frustrated (understandably) and taking it out on each other and policing each other and telling each other to shut up and it's concerning. This isn't where the real work needs to happen! Of course my heart is heavy and the anger is real, but I just want us to like, be more loving. Be. More. Loving. We make mistakes, we respond in ways we regret, we're learning and growing. That being said, not all days you have the energy but when we are doing this work, we're trying to humanize a group or groups of people, and we're not going to get that by dehumanizing others. We're treating people in our SJW space as we would some highly offensive & awful thing on like a Reddit thread. You can be firm and direct about things that are problematic but not be rude and shameful. Educate, don't shame. Give people space to be better. You don't need to coddle them and be syrupy sweet, but speak with respect, allow them to step forward. The best way to learn is usually by making mistakes. It's chaos out there, just be kind. That's all we can do. You don't have to always be nice, just be kind. A lot of us are on the wrong path because of the way we grew up, and we're all just trying to reach each other. OKAY PHEW. I hope everyone has an awesome New Years celebration if you're celebrating it, and I hope this upcoming year brings you happiness and excitement. I hope this post was helpful and that it inspired forward movement. I love you all and I can't wait to see you next year! <3

#new years #sjw #feminist #communist #leftist

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aliceellablog · 7 years

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Can’t really think of a title for this one... awks...

Hello blog readery people :) So it’s Saturday afternoon and I’m not gonna lie I’m in a bit of a weird mood, kind of an in-between mood… am I happy? Meh… am I sad? Meh… I don’t even know anymore…. I can tell you one thing though, I have been SO EMOSH!!! - I am in the process of coming off my antidepressants which I’ve been on for 14 years and it’s naaaaat been easy. I’ve cried freakin’ rivers, ok, probably puddles- but hey theres a lot of water in a puddle!! - and I have also laughed like, a lot. It’s like I can feel everything so much deeper than before, and I’m still not sure if I am doing the ‘right’ thing or not…. it’s like, do I keep taking a chemical that affects my brain and dulls all my feelings a bit and makes it harder to cry... or do I FEEL everything but maybe get some of the highs back too?!?! Time will tell eh!!

So my last two weeks has been pretty good I guess :) Can’t complain too much… although I’m sure that’s basically what I’m about to do! ;) I’ve had a few great writing sessions beginning of the week including one with Reece who is mega awesome!! We wrote and recorded a topline for a proper coooool song- thing is, we were both so sure we nailed it, and it’s a song I’ve had stuck in my head ever since and feel it’s SO strong, but we didn’t get the bloody cut did we!!! :(

It’s such a shit industry, where you just constantly do your best work and put hours and days and weeks (sometimes years!) into songs and send them off to usually not even get a response, or to get a ‘no’, and then you’ve just gotta pick yourself right back up and do it over again, and again until one day (please for the love of god) you get a yes! And even then I’ve had ‘yes’s back which then haven’t actually happened…. It’s cool though I’m sure we will use what we wrote on another song but it’s just that constant rejection that makes you doubt if you’re any good or if you should bother again- but of course I do! I have to! Even when it’s a ‘no’ I love writing songs more than anything and am pretty damn determined!!!!

Mid week I had a few meetings with some people I have been potentially thinking of working with - I think they went pretty well, but again I am never quite sure wether to mention my health or just cross that bridge if and when…. I usually just see what the vibe is and on this occasion the guy I met with actually told me all about his health issues so I went for it! You never know who is suffering what and we seemed to bond over this so that was good!

I had a few admin days and days of resting but then had a mega awesome night on the Thursday! A good friend of mine who works in publishing invited me down to ‘Fekky’s album listening party- he is a well known rapper signed to Universal & Island Records and it was an industry event so I had to go!!! I had all the usual worries… will there be a queue to get in, will there be anywhere to sit, what if I feel too ill and have to go home bla bla bla, but all worked out SO well!! I got a bus all the way there (massive win for me legs!!) and then the night went without a hitch. I met so many great industry people and got lots of email addresses!!! I have of course done all me follow up emails and really hope something comes of it! It was also great to meet Fekky and hear the album- not totally the kind of music I am ‘into’ but genuinely really enjoyed it :) And great to catch up with Ben too! GOOD PEOPLES!!

The next day was a rest day and then in the evening it was one of my best friend Katie’s birthday dinner. I felt so shite. I’d almost cancelled a few times but pulled it together and was sure I could get through it, but for me it basically sucked balls. I’d been in tears because I’d felt so unwell all day and on the way there but was not going to turn up crying at someone elses birthday thang!! (Even I wouldn’t do that ;) So I got there and I smiled. I really tried to smile lots, but when people asked me how I was I had to change the subject as I literally couldn’t talk about anything to do with me without bursting into tears. MAJOR AWKWARD.

My best friends who I live with were all there and all I wanted to do was tell them how gutted I was feeling and collapse in a heap on the floor and cry my eyes out - and I really do mean gutted- heartbroken- I get into this place of utter despair quite quickly, as though my life is completely over and not worth living and that I just can’t do it anymore, and like no-one understands. I think it was brought on because I’d had such a great night the night before and made all these great contacts and then had woken up feeling so ill that I was in bed / on the sofa all day, and so it was like, what’s the point of me even going to that event and networking if I can’t even really function the day after - how am I meant to live the lifestyle of a singer / songwriter when I have to rest all the bloody time - ok so just writing that sentence has made me well up…. I just can’t put into words how much I want to be well enough to follow my dream and work at it every day. I know I should be grateful that I managed to go to that event in the first place…. But it’s just not enough. Ugh, anyway… I got through the dinner part of it but then had to leave. They were drinking and having fun and it was like being on a diet sat with ALL the cakes in-front of you.

I could’t sit and watch them- I’m sure this sounds so bitter- ofcourse I am so glad that Katie had a lovely birthday and of course I want my friends to all be happy but I obviously have major jealousy issues!!! So I said my goodbyes and they were all very sweet to me and I left. As soon as I got out of the door I phoned my poor mum and sobbed down the phone. I could hardly breathe I had been holding it in for so long! I had a complete crying panic attack at kings cross station but luckily mumma bear was on the end of the phone to make everything that little bit better. I spoke to her and my wonderful step dad for about half an hour and they kind of got me to just focus on one thing at a time, like getting home, getting to bed, and what I had to do the next day…. Which just so happened to be a gig day- probably also why I felt so panicked about everything!!

The next day was like I say, gig day- The only money I have coming in at the moment is function gigs, so weddings, birthday parties, cooperate events etc and I really do love them….. but never really feel well enough to enjoy them!! However, this one went pretty well! I took my lil’ gigging stool with me as my legs just get too painful if I stand up on stage the whole time. And what with a mix of determination and adrenaline I got through the gig.

Then the Sunday was spent in bed all day - I couldn’t even get out of bed to pee until about 4pm…which probably aint good for ya!! Sorry…. TMI!!! But I was SHATTERED… so ordered takeaway and did utter nothing all day :) - At least I felt like I’d done something to deserve this rest though :)

The next week was again a mixture of resting days and meetings, oh and a Crohns flare up I think…. I know I only really talk about my M.E. on here, but I guess I should try and be a bit more open about my Crohns… my bowels certainly are ;) (see what I did there) hahaha… but Yea, I’m not gonna go into too much detail don’t worry… but last week really did have a fair few ‘moments’ where I really fucking hated my silly silly body and what very random situations it had gotten me into….. I had a little op a few months ago and am getting all the results etc next week when I see my Crohns specialist… so fingers and legs crossed she can help!! I’m sure I’ll let ya know ;)

Then I went home to Sussex these last few days to see my cat, mum and stepdad (in that order!! Haha - JOKING) and go to the dreaded dentist!! Ahhhh!!! - it actually went ok but I do have to have a filling (woi oi) in a few weeks so I will be bloody terrified then!! Is ANYONE ok about going to the dentist? Please do tell me…..nah didn’t’t think so!!

Right… I’m gonna go and paint flamingos on my nails now - as you do! Oh I haven’t mentioned it yet- tomorrow is our yearly house party so I am sooooo looking forward to it! I am praying to the M.E. gods that I am well enough to enjoy it at least for a bit!! So I’ll tell you all the #clubtropicana (party theme) goss next time!! Let’s see if I can get away with having one drink!! Maybe even two! Ah!

- Please do feel free to get in touch if you want to- I will reply ASAP and LOVE hearing from you guys! You are all wonderful and having this support network means a lot :) We can get through all these shitty times together right?? Right!! ;) xxx Mwa xxx

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stephjournal · 5 years

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Monday November 18th

Today is my last off day before going back to work! I’m planning on clocking in a long run, doing Healthstream, and going to bed at 9:30 sharp. My sleep has been horrible and I’ve been feeling utterly gutted and fatigued.

Lately I feel so dissapointed and bothered by my relationship with Dom. I just feel so un attracted to him. I hate his greasy long hair, his ratty clothes, and that he eats like garbage and doesn’t care about the physical consequences. I work so hard on my physical appearance and Dom doesn’t even wash his hair or wear nice clothing. I know I’m being harsh, especially since he shaved and fucked up his beard for me. But I just want him to cut his hair more than anything. I feel so completely un attracted to him and like my mood is gone because I hate his hair and that he’s gotten chubby. I can tolerate the Chubby and sometimes it’s cute to me, but the hair always grossed me out and it’s become sort of a fixation and bother for me. Like when I see pictures of Dom I just feel kind of repulsed because it’s so ugly and kills that he’s actually a pretty boy. I feel like he has so much potential and doesn’t do anything and purposely fucks it up with bad food, ugly ratty clothes and neglect. He could be so fucking cute, like when we first started dating. I feel kind of duped because I remember how cute he was with his short hair and his casual cute sweaters and vans and nice jeans. He even dressed super nice and cute for our dates and everything. Now I just feel like I’m stuck with a partner I’m not at all attracted to. I love him dearly and this feeling makes me really upset because it feels ugly to be repulsed by your partner, just like it feels exhilarating to be attracted to one. It’s also really un motivating because I work hard and try to be beautiful and I have a partner that doesn’t give a fuck about doing that for me. It honestly feels kind of disrespectful to me. Like when we went to go get pumpkins and Dom didn’t try at all. I felt sooooo disrespected. I’m 23, I want to at least be attracted to my boyfriend at the very bare minimum. I don’t need him to be wealthy or successful or have everything in his life all in a row, but he could at least try to look nice for me like I do for him. And lately I just get annoyed at him not letting me pay for my own things because I know he has no money and is deep in debt. I feel like he’s smart enough to get out of it but he just does not have things together and it really kills my attraction to him in so many ways. It sucks to not be attracted to your partner. It really feels like a moral disconnect, having to say I love you and mimicking affection when you are not feeling it at all internally. It makes you really unhappy to fake like that. And I’m not faking all the time, sometimes I genuinely feel happy and attracted, but those times are far and few and they’re usually related to love language acts of service gifts that he does. He is a kind and attentive partner and I am completely un attracted to him most of the time although I love him deeply. The most frustrating part is it is so fucking FIXABLE and he doesn’t care to fix it! A haircut, clothes I’ll gift him for Christmas, and an altered diet. My unhappiness with my physical self also is so fucking fixable. Sleep early, don’t cs and run. Simple.

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ontheedgeofrecovery · 5 years

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Self-regulation and ambiguity

So, I have been trying online dating again. And I 100% suck at it. I was basically spinning down a rabbit hole the other week for a number of reasons. 1) The guy I have been hanging out with is really nice and we get along well, but I don't know if we are actually dating or where anything stands and I don't do well with that 2) He was able to hang out last night which means I couldn't go to the gym 3) At what point do you tell someone new in your life that you almost died from anorexia and still only eat about 7 foods?

Basically, I spun down this hole and my best friend, trying to be supportive, told me I should not compromise my routine and maybe just stop seeing him because I was having trouble with the ambiguity of dating. She also thought it would be okay to set boundaries about my routine so I could still go to the gym when I wanted, but I disagreed. She also said she was worried about me because I seemed to be swinging wildly through emotions. Here is what I said back to her and I thought I would share because I think some of you may relate to where I am at recovery wise.

"I have been thinking a lot about it and I think the main thing I am struggling with is the ambiguity. Like, if I knew we were just friends and not dating, none of this would bother me. But it's the fact that I don't know what is happening. Like, we met on a dating site and we get along well and have very similar interests and goals in life. I have talked about this with my therapist a lot and I am trying to be okay with the fact that there is ambiguity when trying to date. But I suck at it. That's why I did so well with Nick (my ex-husband) because we met and it was instantly, "let's spend our lives together".

I am trying to understand that my rigidity and need to have answers about exactly where things are is not realistic in a lot of situations. Most people don't operate like that and I haven't really just come out and had that conversation with him about how this is making me feel. I would have had it last night, but it seemed like he was really stressed being back from South America and had worked a 12 hours day, so it didn't seem fair to unload my crazy on him at that time. Particularly since we have hung out 4 times in person. I realize that hanging out 4 times and then demanding where we stand may be a little over the top. Online dating is so awkward and forced and weird.

Also, I have also talked to my therapist about this and if I write off every dating interaction that isn't an immediate click the way it was with Nick, I am never really going to get anywhere because that is not how most relationships start. It is what I am comfortable with, but it's just not realistic. I want to just shut down and never have a romantic relationship again, but as I said before, that will create a very lonely life as a result of my rigidity and need for routine and certainty.

I really need to work on my emotional regulation and not allow outside things that are happening to so wildly affect my mood. Like, Tuesday I was sooooo up because of the concert and then yesterday I was soooo down because I thought I was being rejected. I need to find a center place of emotion that has nothing to do with what is going on around me, but that's really hard. I was talking about this with my mom the other night and she remembers me being a kid and almost being manic when we had something exciting coming up. Like, a really elevated mood., And then it would be over and I would fall into a super deep depression and not want to get out of bed for days.

So yes, I am swinging wildly through this and it is super uncomfortable and I hate every second of it. But the alternative is to keep my structured, rigid, lonely life and that seems worse. That is a big part of the ED for me - it's a wild attempt to self-regulate. If I keep everything the same - rigid and controlled - I feel like I have less of these uncomfortable swings because my world becomes very small and is solely focused on numbers and food. It takes so much concentration and brain power to starve oneself that there isn't room for all of these crazy emotions that make me swing all over the place. It's a much more comfortable place for me to live. Also, it will kill me.

Being an extrovert has basically saved my life. If I was okay with being alone all of the time the eating disorder would have definitely killed me by now. It is my desire to connect with people and have authentic, deep relationships that has made me push myself to do so many things that absolutely make my skin crawl."

So, obviously, my best friend and I have very long text conversations.

The urge to restrict is so strong. Everything feels tenuous and out of control. It sucks that whenever I try to move outside of my comfort zone my brain freaks out and tries to sabotage me. I am just so sensitive to change and upsets in my routine. I really feel the need for structure and routine to function comfortably. When things feel uncertain, my go-to is to find certainly and respite in the eating disorder's structure. But on the flipside, I want to be around people and people make it difficult to be so restrictive with my food and dedicated to exercise.

Living alone has really made the rigidity and routine worse for me. I also have a job that I operate largely by myself. I do not rely on a team or anyone else to do my work, so there are very few upsets in my day. I structure everything the way I want and no one interrupts it because I live alone and pretty much work alone. Starting to branch out and trying to date again has made me look at how married to my routine and habits I actually am and it is kinda of scaring me.

One more note - I read this to my therapist and she said what every mental health professional has always said to me, "you have so much insight!" And while this is true, insight has not made the ED any less difficult to deal with and manage.

*update, I started writing this last week and since then I have pretty much given up on this guy. He appears to not only not be into me, but also we have very different social styles. I like to hang out and do things and he likes to spend his free time alone in his apartment. Which is totally fine, but I do not want a relationship that is solely based off of texting and never seeing one another in person. It kinda sucks, but I was structuring my days to have free time so we could hang and then he always bailed or said he just didn't want to do anything. However, as much as that does suck, it also gives me hope that not all is lost. I was interested in someone enough that I was willing to slightly alter my routine to make room for something different. It just scares me that I continue to operate alone and become more entrenched in my habits. I need to find more ways to branch out and interrupt my routines.

#self-regulation #ambiguity #eating disorders #anorexia #restricting #control #online dating #insight #recovery #comfort zone #therapy #Extrovert #routine

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howtogettheshyguy · 6 years

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(1) #gymGuy known this guy for... 7 months. He is who initially initiated contact (awkwardly 😂) and who kept (awkwardly) small talking with me for a few months until I actually got more comfortable with him. have hung out relatively often (once or twice a months, plus and see each other a few times a week (at gym). He is a shitty texter but responds to me 50% of the time - from what he says and does, I am probably who he interacts with the most the past few months (he has full time job AND PhD)

(2) #gymGuy he is confusing. When we first met he definitely used to stare for long time. And wink. But that was before we really started talking.Then he got more nervous. And sometimes I would think he didn’t want to interact at all and I would step back, confused. But then he would always come find me (gym) or randomly respond to texts (days later). Look the guy is busy, excessively so. During the course of past few months, I did ask him on a date, flirted heavily (touching and stood b/n legs)

(3) #gymGuy we definitely have gotten closer - slowly. I kissed him, late March. He told me “…. no, we can’t. I’m too busy right now, and I can’t guarantee the future”. I asked him for clarity and wanted to know if he only wanted friendship and that was his response 🙄 the man is a clear and concise, smart man, so it’s just weird he never gives straight answer (multiple times). Afterwards I said (like texted hour later) I value our friendship. Also, before this, I’ve always …

(4) #gymGuy … and like he always responded amazingly well, talked about it, said he appreciated the pushback. Which, idk, in men who are smart and attractive etc is crazy to me (lots of men get defensive you know?). Anyway, after kiss, I you know, backed off. The week after he threw a towel at my face (flirty..) and then asked me to go to a museum with him (?!? First time he has asked me to do anything, properly). Anyway since then more flirting, more hanging out, more getting closer…

(5) #gymGuy and for a month after the kiss I did try and remain more pulled back and friendly and he only responded in being more… intimate? It was really confusing. I said fuck it and just full on flirted with him all the time the past 3 weeks. We have dome sexual innuendos plenty and increased sooooo much past 3 weeks.Side note: he finished his dissertation in a couple weeks. I figured it coincided. Also: we talk about future plans all the time.means nothing w/o action but he brings some up!

(6) #gymGuy so here is the thing: consistently the one rude rude rude thing (that I once fought with him about. Scolded. Yelled) is that he so often says YES to doing things with me and then sucks at canceling and a couple times, they are pseudo plans that require confirmation, and he tells me to text him on the day of and he doesn’t respond at allllllllll. And a couple times (gym plans - when he plans them!!!) he doesn’t show up!!!Which he is busy with his thesis BUT it’s so disrespectful to me

(7) #gymGuy I think we both care about each other a lot. He made time a few weeks ago to come move my couch out. He didn’t have to. He like moves the umbrella to make sure I don’t get wet. He offers me rides home out of his way. I just really don’t understand how he can be so so so disrespectful (and again I get he is at a stressful point in life) of my time and me literally going out of my way or waiting for him? What’s your insight on this. Sometimes I feel like, what if he just fake cares?..

(8) #gymGuy okay also sorry if I lost track of numbering haha. But sometimes I wonder “what if it’s just because I’m all I have in his life right now. What if he doesn’t actually give a shit about me and is selfishly receiving my affection and care?” I like. Don’t think so. I can see how much he cares about me - whether it’s just friends or more…. in his eyes and in some of his actions (moving, umbrella, etc). But like. Ugh! I just don’t understand ☹️

Hi, good work on your whole story up to now :-)

I think you are indeed dealing with a shy guy. By working so hard, he is probably hanging to the only thing he can truly control. Everything else, including what he could have with you, is out of his control. A shy guy like him needs to be in a secure position to be able to take on new risks. A shy guy is always in a fragile situation especially if he is working on building his life. I think your guy is at the limit of his capability in handling what life throws at him. So I feel he was truthful when he told you he wasn’t ready and that he couldn’t guarantee anything.

Whenever you are making progress and you’re about to take a new step with him, that creates new stress for him. It’s new situations that he may have never faced before and so it makes him nervous. Since his life situation is already stressed, he does what many shy guys do. He pushes back, he closes himself up, he avoids you, he avoid having conversations, he flakes out on activities, etc.

I think that he will get much better at everything once his studies are completed. Once he has found a job, etc. The question is how long can that take and are you ready to wait that long? I agree with you, he seems to care and be attracted to you. So if you wait chances are it may work. But you’ll never know unless you are patient yet again, and potentially for a while… :-)

#htgtsg gym guy

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