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trashfor-imagines · 4 years

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My Senpai | 4

Ushijima x Reader

Summary: You’re Goshiki Tsutomu’s older doting sister, second year at Shiratorizawa and captain of the girl’s track & field team. At your brother’s first practice you sneak in to support him and end up meeting the impressive force that is his captain. Warnings: None really. Mentions sex. Spoilers: We’re encroaching on manga territory. Takes place after Karasuno v Shiratorizawa.

Author’s Note: Sorry for not updating in forever! I lost my original chapter and got discouraged. I started rewatching Ushijima episodes to refresh my grasp on his character.

[1] | [2] | [3] | [4] | [5]

It was a shock. You never thought Shiratorizawa was capable of losing this year. Ushijima appeared unaffected, but that was just him. It was always mental for him and he had the ability to act with a sort of chivalric grace whenever faced with conflict. God, your boyfriend was really cool. Your brother, however, it broke your heart to see him cry.

After the award ceremony, you raced down to wait by the bus. Ushijima walked out first, his head held high. Noticing you, he simply rested his large hand on your head before getting on the bus. Quiet hello’s and thanks for coming’s were whispered to you. Your little brother could barely make eye contact, the last one to get on the bus. Reaching for his hand, you gave it a squeeze before letting it go and heading for the bus that brought the cheer squad.

The ride felt long. You spent most of it listening to music and playing with the sleeve of Ushijima’s spare team jacket he’d given you shortly after dating. You smiled and chatted occasionally with your fellow students, but the topics of discussion were focused on how Ushijima and the third years were doing. They expected you to have the answers and quite frankly, you thought it was obvious.

Getting back, you made your way into the gym to see the team working on serves. You sat quietly on the sidelines and watched as everyone gave their all, letting out their frustrations from the day. You never knew you could find the slams of volleyballs to be comforting to where they could put you to sleep. Or maybe you were just exhausted. Either way, you woke up from being carried.

“Wakatoshi,” you mumbled, snuggling closer to his chest.

The two of you snuck into your dorm room, stripping down into your underwear and entangling under the sheets. Ushijima’s body was like a radiator, warm and comforting.You ran your fingers through his hair patiently. If he wanted to talk, then he would. Until then, you whispered little praises to him, pressing kisses to his shoulder between sentences.

“I won’t lose again,” he spoke quietly.

Months passed and things continued to go well between the two of you. They were better than ever honestly. During Christmas you visited each other’s families at his request. You didn’t even have to prompt it! Your parents loved him. They thought he was quite the protector type and approved. His mother ended up accepting you once she realized you were intelligent and genuinely loved her son. Your personality had definitely thrown her for a loop.

Graduation was soon approaching and the two of you decided on a five year plan together. Long nights were spent discussing goals and dreams, wondering if they would be compatible with one another. He intended on going pro right after school; the Schweiden Adlers seemed most likely and they were based in Oita. You still had your third year of high school to finish, but you were applying to Kyushu University for architecture. It was in Fukuoka and closer than your other options to Oita. It was just a couple of hours by train or car. You also had plans to stick with track and field and keep your spot on the national team for as long as you could. You both had your eyes on the 2016 Olympics.

For a year the two of you managed to maintain a healthy long distance relationship.

After graduation, there were farewell and congratulatory parties almost every day, but the most fun for you was going apartment hunting, together. It was like a vacation, enjoying the beaches and hot springs. You spent a week staying at his apartment where the lease was ending soon. He said the two of you needed a new place together, that his current apartment wasn’t fitting enough for you. On your third day in Oita, Ushijima decided on the place, a 2 bed and 1.5 bath townhome instead of a one and one apartment. When you told him it was a bit expensive, he said it was perfect because he wanted you to have your own space at home to study for school without being bothered by him. You cried right there and he handled it like a champ. The two of you moved in a week before you started school.

“Wakatoshi!” you called to him from the rooftop terrace. He appeared, sticking his head out from the sliding glass door. You wiped your cheek, smudging dirt across your face. “Can you help me move this bag?”

He slipped on his outdoor shoes and walked over, lifting the bag of dirt and moving it to one of the two raised garden beds that he built earlier today. The two of you had plans for a small vegetable garden. “I thought we were going to plant seeds after lunch. I’m almost done cooking.”

“I know, I just got really excited. I was staring at your beautiful work and couldn’t help myself,” you cooed, giving him starry eyes.

Sighing, he set the bag down where you needed it before taking your hand and dragging you back inside. “We’ll do this after lunch. Together.”

“Aw, are you jealous I tried to start before you?” He didn’t say anything in response, making you grin. “My handsome farmer, I’m so sorry.”

After lunch, the two of you filled the garden beds with dirt and carefully planted seeds for carrots, lettuce, tomatoes, peas, basil, parsley, rosemary, thyme, marigolds, lavender, and scarlet plume celosia. Ushijima had done quite a bit of research on complimentary plants. Hours really. Hours spent doing online research and drawing diagrams of how the garden should be set up for its fullest potential.

You were watering one of the garden beds when you caught a glimpse of Ushijima squatting with a spade in his hand. It was so cute how concentrated he was and how much attention he was giving this simple task. Biting your lip, you sprayed him briefly. He blinked, as if not comprehending what happened and looked up, as if blaming the sky. A muffled laugh escaped you. You went back to watering the garden bed as he went inside. Minutes later you heard the glass door slide open and didn’t pay much mind to it. Suddenly you felt chilled and were thoroughly soaked. Moving your hair from your eyes, you looked up to see your boyfriend holding a bucket over your head.

“Wakatoshi!”

Soon you were off to university, moving into a small dorm room with a single suitcase. Your dorm was littered with photographs of you and Ushijima and it was hard to cope with the fact that you wouldn’t see him through at least the rest of summer, maybe not even until the end of September if your school’s track team did well.

For a month you and Ushijima would call or FaceTime every night and tell each other about your days. He was quite proud of the garden the both of you planted and would send you progress photos and then describe what he saw in fine detail. Honestly, you didn’t realize your boyfriend was capable of being so invested in something other than volleyball. There were a few times you tried spicing up your phone calls, but honestly Ushijima didn’t get it. He was terrible at phone sex. It was fine though. Summer break was.... just a few months away.

It was a Saturday night after track practice when you got a phone call from your boyfriend.

“Wakatoshi! You’re calling early. I haven’t gotten back to my dorm yet,” you spoke, excited to hear from him.

“(Y/N), I’m lost.”

Your brows raised in surprise. “Lost, how? Do you need me to look up how to fix something?”

“No, I’m somewhere on your university’s campus.”

You felt your heart skip and you immediately ran toward main campus. “Okay well tell me what you see.”

In thirty minutes you were in your dorm taking a shower and Ushijima was reading the newest shonen jump he picked up at the train station on your bedroom floor. You came out with your hair in a towel and one of Ushijima’s t-shirts you had stolen. He set aside his magazine and pulled you down into his lap, holding you tight.

“I’m so surprised you came. I’m so happy,” you squealed, burying your face into his neck and running your fingers through his hair.

“I missed you too. I can stay for two days, but then I must go home.”

Pulling back, you let your fingers run over the stubble on his jaw, pouting a bit, “So what do I owe this short visit?”

His stare was intense and a faint blush kissed his cheeks. “I recognize that a few times you’ve tried to... initiate some things on the phone. I admit I’m not very good at it, so hopefully my presence now can make up for my... lack of experience.”

“Wakatoshi,” you breathed out in surprise, gazing at him with so much love. He literally traveled almost three hours because you were horny without him. Pulling the towel from your hair, you knocked him over onto his back as you jumped him.

Visits like these happened sporadically and soon it was fall. Track and field season was over which meant you could make your weekend visits home to Oita. You’d leave Wednesday nights and head back to school on Sunday mornings. Despite the second bedroom serving as a private study for you, you found yourself curling up to Ushijima almost always - as long as he wasn’t busy.

This was life for a couple of years. The two of you had become quite the duo. In fact, throughout your relationship, you had only argued about two things:

You broke your phone once and he wasn’t able to contact you and he freaked out from not knowing what was going on.

He forgot your anniversary and cancelled on your date for volleyball and you laid in on him for it.

Things were great until the 2016 Olympic qualifiers came around. You had broken a metatarsal in your right foot at the first qualifying meet of the 2015 season. You were out for the next eight weeks and even then, you weren’t going to be in shape to qualify because you had to go through physical therapy and get your athletic abilities up to par. Your coach told you that staying on the national team, going pro, and qualifying for 2020 was still possible for you. It didn’t stop the feeling of complete and total devastation that wrecked you and you were jealous.

Ushijima wasn’t sure of how to help you; he’d never seen you so vulnerable before, never seen you so sad, but he did his best to support you, even if that meant being a punching bag. He was consistent, despite things he had going on for his own Olympic goals.

After two months it was summer break. You had to go through physical therapy and you moved back home to Oita, transitioning to online classes for the second term of the year. Because Ushijima’s love language was different from most, you found yourself being forced to do your PT homework exercises, no matter how down and bratty you got.

“Wakatoshi, I don’t want to do stairs,” you groaned, curling up into a ball on the couch.

“You must, or you won’t be ready to start training any time soon,” he replied simply.

Your foot was throbbing and you were on your period, and everything just felt like shit. All you wanted was to watch anime and eat the small bag of chips you had hidden under the blanket you were under. Ushijima had been so strict with your diet and honestly all you wanted were trans fats, sugar, and carbs. With ease, he ripped the blanket from you, exposing you in your underwear clutching a bag of Calbee honey butter flavored potato chips.

“You should get up and walk the stairs now,” he said, prying the bag of chips from your hands, “if you want these back.”

Throwing your legs over the couch, you winced, balling your hands into fists in frustration. You got up, favoring your left foot, which he noticed. He walked up the stairs and sat on the top step, waiting for you to follow. Biting your lip, you moved slowly, trying to ignore the pain. There were 14 steps to the top and you had to go up twice and down twice. You were doing fine until your second trek up the stairs. It was a misstep and you slipped and you were clinging to the stair case, crying. It was embarrassing for you to be like this in front of him. This sweet giant quickly enveloped you in his arms and had you lying on your side of the bed, gently caressing your foot as you sobbed through it.

When you were calm again, Ushijima left for a while before returning, dinner in hand. The two of you sat in bed and had the meal he made in silence. You’d barely eaten, but you waited until he finished before you curled up to his side.

“I’m so sorry, Wakatoshi.”

“I would be surprised it you took this easily. You’re a competitive person. It’s one of the things I find attractive about you,” he replied. He wrapped his arm around your shoulders, his fingers gently running up and down along your own arm.

“Really?” you asked, feeling shy. He hummed in affirmation, glancing down to make eye contact. Smiling, you played with the hem of his shirt that was beginning to ride up. “What else do you... find attractive about me?”

“You’re thoughtful, kind. The way you pursue your passions and you’ve encouraged me to pursue my own; you believe in people wholeheartedly.” A thoughtful expression settled on his face as he spoke on effortlessly. He paused and his brows furrowed briefly before settling into a relaxed expression. “You’re beautiful.”

Placing a kiss to your forehead, you watched as he got up and headed to take his evening shower.

While you couldn’t compete, you concentrated on therapy and school and finished your courses early for your degree. You picked up a simple class to stay enrolled until your four years at school were up*, this way you could go back to competing your last year of university. The summer of 2016, Ushijima took you with him to Brazil. Japan didn’t win, but the competition was incredible. You got to meet with track and field athletes and it reignited your passion for competition.

You’d graduate come spring and then your focus was on 2020 Tokyo.

*In Japan, early graduation doesn’t exist. It was explained to me that if you attend a 4 year university, you have to be a student for 4 years before graduating, even if you complete your degree early.

tag list: @hihiq

#Ushijima Wakatoshi #ushijima x reader #shiratorizawa #my senpai #haikyuu!!#haikyu #haikyū!!#reader insert #imagine #fanfic #volleyboys

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cass-watson · 3 years

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⋆ ⠀⠀⠀࿐ྃ ▸ ; ⠀ [ crystal reed. human/feeder. 36. Bisexual. cisfemale. ] was that just CASSANDRA WATSON, I saw coming out of THE GYM? the SELF-DEFENSE INSTRUCTOR is best to be described as + INDEPENDENT, but pronouns could also be - RECKLESS and as well as being previously unmarked they can easily be noticed by RUNNING HEADFIRST TOWARDS THE DANGER, LIVING WITHIN HER MEANS, DENIM JACKETS, as well as THE HEAD OF MEDUSA, which has only just appeared. @lovebitestarter

Trigger Warnings: Mentions of Alcoholism, Mentions of Infidelity, Mentions of drug use, Mentions of overdose, Mentions of Physical, Verbal, and Emotional Abuse (None of it is explicit or heavily touched upon beyond a sentence or two, but it is still there) [[If anyone cannot read this due to the triggers let me know and I will give you the short version! I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to force themselves to read something that’s potentially triggering.]]

About You

My name is Damian and I live in the cst timezone. I’m twenty-five, currently working from home, and have two dogs of my own. I am open to any kinds of plotting! Currently my discord is not setup so for now the best way to reach me via tumblr messenger. The biggest plot I am looking for is for a vampire who Cass is the personal feeder for! Other than that I enjoy drinking iced tea and knitting while listening to podcasts.

— * ⟢ 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕓𝕒𝕤𝕚𝕔𝕤 !

full name: Cassandra Ann Watson

species: human

age: thirty-six

date of birth: april 19, 1987

hometown: everett, washington

gender: cis female

pronouns: she/her

sexuality: bisexual

+ likes: working out, yoga, going for walks with her dog, autumn, cooking, gardening - dislikes: people who get into her business, the ocean, heights, coffee, mustard

positive traits: Independent, Courageous, Protective, Dependable

negative traits: Reckless, Impatient, Impulsive, Possessive

hobbies: Archery, Yoga, Cooking, Gardening, Trying various new foods

fears: The Ocean, Heights, Being Cheated On

Biography

You were born in a town in Washington. To two high school sweethearts who loved each other and they loved you. The apple of their eye. Doting on you, supporting you, you walked with them hand in hand. And when your family grew bigger that just meant more love and attention to go around. You loved your siblings, even if they did not resemble you or your father, your mother told you that meant god wished for your family to be as colorful as a rainbow.

You are a child no longer

Your childhood was a lie. A lie you would not see until you were finally old enough to understand. Your father is an alcoholic and when he’s not out on the job he’s at the bar, you rarely see him sober. Your mother got pregnant in high school and the year you were born was the year she dropped out, to raise you. She reminds you constantly that if it weren’t for you her life would be better. Your siblings, whom you love so dearly do not have the same father as you or each other. Your mother sleeps with other men a lot. Sometimes she’s doesn’t come home. On those nights it’s up to you to take care of the home, of your family. You are more of a parent than your own parents ever will be.

You cannot escape their claws

When you graduated high school it was with honors. You were almost valedictorian. You wanted to be more than your parents were and more than they thought you would be. You get accepted into the college of your dreams on full scholarship. There is nothing that is stopping you from finally achieving your goals. In your first year, only a few months in and you get a phone call. Your father beat up your mother and her current secret lover pretty bad. Both are in the hospital, your father in jail. Your mother begs you to come home. She needs you. You drop everything and move back home. To take care of your family again. Your mother tries to be better, do better now that your father isn’t around but she falls back into old habits. She tells you that with you back home where you belong and your father in jail she can do what she wants. You are left back at square one.

You love so much but who will love you

You are now turning twenty and working at the local diner, trying to make ends meet. Your brother picks up a job after school and your sister watches your two youngest siblings while you’re at work. There is a guy your age at the diner. His name is Derek and he washes the dishes, maybe even cooks if the diner is short staffed. He flirts with you often and you just roll your eyes with a smile. You have no time for dating or flings. But one night you both work late. You both talk as you work and for once you felt seen, all your issues, your baggage is accepted. You feel lighter than you have in years. You decide to go on one date with him. It turns into two that turns into more. You are in love, truly in love and you tell yourself that this is will last. Through the rose colored glasses you don’t see him breaking your heart until it is too late. Another woman is in his bed and you see red. You want to murder him, no you want to hurt him like he hurt you and it takes everything you are to not do it. Instead you break the nearest thing he owns, you slash his tires, you make sure he knows that you will kill him if you see him again.

You don’t let yourself cry

Four years later and you set foot into Everwinter for the first time. You had to get away, you needed a fresh start. You needed to bring yourself happiness for once. And the first couple of years go by fine. Until, almost like deja vu you get another dreaded phone call. Your mother overdose on her pills. She’s in the hospital. She needs you. It is like you are back in college. Like your mother has you like a puppet on strings that she tugs when she thinks you’ve been happy for too long. This time is different. You are not returning home this time. You are not giving up the life you are finally building for yourself. You tell her in no uncertain terms that you will be sending money each month to your brother, he will use it to take care of the family as he sees fit. Your mother will not get direct access to it. Unless she once and for all gets better, does better, actions speak louder than words. When you hang up that phone you feel like a puppet who cut its strings. And you feel good.

You broke the water’s surface and finally draw breath

You spend a year with your feeder buddy before you become an official feeder. The first vampire who employs you is for the most part nice and that’s it. Neither of you try to become friends and that is fine for you. Few years with them then you are employed by a different vampire, your current employer. They’re different. They talk to you before they feed, sometimes even chat afterwards. At first you are guarded however they have a knack for wearing you down. You’re not the biggest fan of your job but the money is nothing to sneeze at and your employer doesn’t care that you send all your earnings back home. You don’t have a use for such luxury. Life is good, you are content.

Your mark appears and the water begins to ripple

———

Other Info

Has a 3 year old blue nose pitbull named Maggie that tends to be at her side at all hours of the day. Cassandra loves her and doesn’t think she would have gotten through the past couple of years without her. (image)

She is bisexual, leans towards men/masculine presenting people.

Is a Self Defense Instructor at a local gym. However due to also being a feeder she just gives verbal instructions while using her coworkers as visual aids.

Speaks English and German fluently. Does have a basic understanding of ASL. Currently learning Spanish.

Does not take cheating well at all. If she is in a relationship with someone or with two others then she expects it to be exclusive. She does not share.

———

Wanted Connections

Cassandra’s Current Vampire Employer: either gender or non-gender. She has been a feeder since turning twenty-six and they would be her current vampire employer, possibly only been feeding from her for at most five years or so. They have a not quite friend but not strictly business relationship. They would know that Cassandra sends all the money she earns to her parent and siblings.

Cassandra’s friends: either new or old friends though she has a difficult time keeping up with her friends and isn’t proud that she sometimes leaves them on read. Has been trying her darndest to do better and do right by her friends, hanging out a lot more.

———

species

Cassandra is a human through and through, she can’t imagine being anything else. Living forever or being stronger does not hold much appeal to her.

The potential that she is bonded to a different species is terrifying. But the idea of her being bonded to anyone is terrifying to her.

Vampires: she feels neutral about vampires as a whole. Her vampire employer isn’t too bad. However she is often warned by other feeders that most rogue vampires, and those of the Malkavian Clan are practically evil incarnate while they consider the Menesis Clan heroes. Cass knows that like humans even vampires are not black and white.

Witches: she does not hold much opinion on witches. To her they seem the closest to humans, if you just think of it from a mortality perspective. Each witch is vastly different from each other so most of her opinions are based on individuals.

———

soulmarks

Cassandra is terrified of being bonded to someone or someones. She does not want it to become another string to control her like her mother did. Or another Derek situation. If she can avoid it she will and is somewhat grateful the mark is in an easy to hide spot.

Getting her mark only recently Cassandra knows, at least assumes the person she’s bound to is a vampire. At least one of them is. She feels pulled in more than one direction.

She does not plan to let her mark disrupt her life. Hopefully. She is trying her best. Cassandra focuses on her two jobs and her dog.

#bio : cassandra watson #lovebites.intro

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srhlsx · 4 years

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Rewritten & Reposted March 24, 2021

MASTER | Ch. 14 | CHAPTER 15 | Ch. 16

You guessed that you had about twenty minutes until the official start of your next game, the finals for the girls that would determine who was the number one seed going into the Spring tournament. It was exciting to be so close to your goal, a thrill that was filling you up with bubbles of excitement and good anxiety.

You’d been playing in games all morning, your body thoroughly exhausted at this point but running on adrenaline now. The previous night you had talked with Bokuto about sticking around after your games were done to catch his, something he was very excited and proud about. But for now, you had one more game to get through - one more game and you’d be back on the national’s stage.

Abscently munching on a piece of fruit, you heard the familiar tone of your phone ringing from deep in the depths of your sports bag. You pushed around a few of the other bags in the pile to get to yours, recognizing the contact name right away and sliding the screen to unlock and answer the call.

“Mmf-” You mumbled, swallowing your food before trying again. “Hi, Baba.”

“(y/n), dear,” The older woman answered, sounding like she was outside with the wind blowing into the speaker of her phone. “Sweetie, we’re on our way to you. Hiroto cut himself while trimming the bushes outside and needs to go get stitches. I’m going to need to drop Eiji and Yua off-”

“W-what?” You stuttered out, panicking only slightly as you started to look around for your warm-up jacket. Some of your teammates noticed your sudden frenzy and laughed as you hobbled all over the little area you had claimed as your own in the hall. “We have a game in twenty minutes-”

“Dear, I know this is terrible, but I can’t take them with me, Eiji is losing his mind. We’ll be outside the main entrance in five minutes!”

It was lucky timing that you were on a break between your games at the moment, but also terrible luck because what were you supposed to do with a ten-year-old and a three-year-old at a high school volleyball tournament?

You continued to panic as you ripped off your playing shoes and slipped into some athletic slides, zipping your tracksuit jacket all the way to your chin as you tried to politely push your way through the crowd of people. When you got out to the front entrance area, Eiji and Yua were just getting out of the car, a sympathetic look on the woman’s face as she waved to you. You looked behind her to the old man sitting in the passenger seat and he waved at you with both hands, one wrapped in an old beach towel that you could see a little bit of blood bleeding through. You cringed.

“Hey you two,” You smiled down to your siblings. Yua bounded right up to you and jumped into your arms, Eiji following behind with a backpack on his back and a slightly paled expression. Blood and injuries were not something your younger brother was known to handle well, so it really was for the best that they were not going to the hospital with the older couple.

What am I supposed to do now?

Eiji you knew could handle himself if he were alone, being mature beyond his ten years. But you couldn’t expect him to watch Yua, especially since he loved watching volleyball more than anything in the world and his attention would be wholly devoted to you and your team. Your siblings didn’t usually make it to your games anymore, especially this year without someone to accompany them. Think… think… think…

“Hey, hey, hey!”

“Oh, thank the gods you answered!” You breathed out, shouldering open the doors to the building while holding your sister on your hip and pushing your brother in front of you. “Tell me you’re here.”

“Yeah we just sat down, gonna try and watch you guys before we-”

“Great, awesome, whatever.” You interrupted in a huff, climbing a set of stairs and grunting a little from being shoved around by the crowd of people. “Sorry, that was rude. Um, are you guys in the spectator section?”

“Uh, yeah? Are you okay?”

“Just fine, we’re coming to see you.”

“We-”

You rounded the corner as you hung up on Bokuto, seeing his full team in an empty section of seats. They all matched in their gear, white tracksuits with black and gold detailing. You might’ve been intimidated had you not been on a mission to find one person in particular as the warmup clock continued to count down.

“(y/n)!” Your eyes locked on familiar, bright gold orbs and you made an immediate line straight for the boy.

Bokuto swore that the look of relief that came across your face was like the heavens opening up and smiling down on him. He’d never had someone look at him the way you did in that moment, and he was prepared to ride that high for the rest of his natural life. The sudden change in the air was also noticed by his teammates, their gazes turning from the girl’s teams practicing below them to your frenzied state as you charged straight for them, two young children in tow. They also noticed the sudden palpable air of excitement radiating off their captain as he stood up to greet you - good, something to motivate him today.

“Can they sit with you guys?” You asked hurriedly, setting Yua down before she squirmed out of your hold and fell on her own. She beamed at Bokuto and practically ran up to him, luckily he wasn’t holding anything or it would’ve been dropped when he caught your sister and gave her a squeeze. Eiji did his best to casually wave at Bokuto, eyeing the rest of his team respectfully before leaning over the railing to look down below at your team warming up.

“Y-yeah, of course?” He answered, confused. He moved around in his seat to help your sister get a little more comfortable as she climbed all over his shoulders. “All good?”

“Fine, just-” You waved your hand dismissively, taking in a deep breath and letting out a laugh that was just shy of being maniacal. “Another day, another problem! I seriously owe you.”

“Oh, I’ll think of something!” Bokuto beamed. As you were turning away you felt him grab onto your wrist and pull you back. You whipped around to face him, only to be brought right into his lips for a short kiss. You pulled away with wide eyes, his face a smug expression as he grinned up at you. “Good luck!”

You said goodbye to your siblings, pressing a kiss to the top of both their heads (and one to Bokuto’s making you laugh since he looked up at you childishly) and warning Yua in particular to be good for your friends, she only giggled mischievously. You turned on your heels quickly and jogged back down the steps, then running through the gym doors on the main level to get to your team and join warmups.

As you hobbled up to them, you unzipped your track jacket and clumsily shoved your shoes on your feet. Rumi teased you playfully, tugging on the top-knot of hair piled on your head and then shoving you into position for the current drill as the seconds ticked down as she teased you endlessly.

“Babysitting for your girlfriend?” A voice leaned in towards Bokuto, a smug tone to it. He looked over and saw Konoha eye the two children with alarm, unsure if Bokuto was really the best fit for this.

“Hardly!” Bokuto laughed a little nervously, eyes shifting around to your two siblings to see if they heard someone call you his girlfriend. He hadn’t gotten to that point yet and he hated to admit it was killing him a little bit - he liked you so much. “We’re best buds! Right, Yu-chan?”

Your sister laughed as she stood on Bokuto’s lap facing him, she held out her hands and of course Bokuto knew what she wanted since they’d had a regular habit of playing together when he would be at your home.

He stood up, grabbing Yua’s hands tightly while she stood balancing against his legs. Her tiny feet climbed up his chest and eventually she flipped herself over and landed with a light thump on the seat in front of them - Bokuto’s hands still grasping hers. They repeated this fun over and over again, Yua never growing tired and laughing the entire time. Her small laughter filled the area and made his teammates watch in shock, was Bokuto actually good with kids?

“Bokuto-san, have you seen (y/n) play?” He looked up to see your brother still completely focused on the end of the warmups below, hands gripping the railing tightly as his eyes lit up with excitement.

“We played a little at camp this summer,” Bokuto half shrugged, pulling Yua up into his arms right side up so he could properly sit back down with her. “Caught the end of a practice match once.”

Bokuto knew that Eiji loved volleyball, they’d had many good discussions about the game when Bokuto was over at your place to hang out. But the look that lit up in his eyes as he watched his older sister below was one the Bokuto recognized well - he was a fanatic.

“But you’ve never seen her play a real game?” Eiji asked, finally looking back at Bokuto and his teammates. “You’ve never seen her take it seriously?”

“I think she probably takes practice pretty seriously,” Bokuto wasn’t one-hundred percent sure your brother knew exactly what he meant.

Eiji deadpanned, “No. She doesn’t.”

“You mean to tell me the two of you got your ahh… uh butts handed to you and she wasn’t even taking it seriously?” Konoha had a hysterical look on his face, like this fact was the funniest thing in the world.

“Well, I wasn’t taking it seriously either!” Bokuto tried covering up, clearly flustered.

“Bokuto-san, you made us practice line shots for another hour.” Akaashi deadpanned from behind.

At the new voice and attention, Yua’s eyes sparked up. “Neechan is number one!” She pumped her little fists and clapped her hands excitedly.

“Technically, she’s number three.” Konoha mumbled.

“Actually, that’s not true either.” Eiji spoke up, coming to your defense almost immediately as he rustled through the backpack at his feet. The magazine he pulled out was already folded back to a particular page as he climbed on top of a chair and stretched out to hand it up towards Konoha. “Here. It came out yesterday.”

Other members of the team leaned forward to study the page the magazine was open to, an article in the familiar Volleyball Quarterly- this one was about top liberos for girls across Japan. As all their eyes scanned the words they slowly started to bulge with shocked expressions.

On the page was a dramatic outline of three columns, each topped with a stock image of a particular girl’s volleyball player they were featuring. There was the second year from Sarukawa listed third, the third year from Tsubakihara in second, and then in the top spot was a picture of a familiar face.

“Originally they weren’t going to rank her,” Your brother commented. “Since she isn’t playing after high school and all, but obviously they had to after Interhigh.”

Smiling brightly at the camera, your hair was slightly shorter since the picture itself was from a previous year and you’d been growing yours out. You wore the black libero uniform for Shinzen proudly, hands posed on your hips and looking every part the superstar.

Konoha turned slowly to look at Bokuto with a bit of disbelief in his eyes. Bokuto simply continued to smile and sing along to the song your sister had been making up about you being number one. “Have you seen this?” Konoha asked. “Did you know?”

“Of course I knew.” Bokuto paused his singing but didn’t look away from Yua for a moment, “She’s my girl.”

#bokuto koutaro #koutaro bokuto #bokuto x reader #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu!! x reader #hq!!#hq!! x reader #hq

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ofclaires · 4 years

Photo

⌠ MAYA HAWKE, 21, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, CLAIRE WALSH! according to their records, they’re a FOURTH year, specializing in THREAT ELIMINATION; and they DID go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of (chipped black nail polish, a leather jacket with boxing gloves slung over the shoulder, bandaged knuckles, and a wicked smirk). when it’s the (aries)’s birthday on 3/31/99, they always request MAC & CHEESE from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ kati 22, she/her, est ⍀

STATS / PINTEREST / CONNECTIONS / CLASSES

INSPIRATION.

Rosa Diaz - Brooklyn 99

Kat Stratford - 10 Things I Hate About You

Faith Lehane - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Mandy Milkovich - Shameless

Akane Owari – Danganronpa

Arya Stark – Game of Thrones

Kim Kelly – Freaks and Geeks

Kyo Sohma – Fruits Basket

BACKGROUND + CLICK FOR BIO.

pre-gallagher.

her parents were young as hell when they had her so she was raised by her grandma in her earlier years ! claire gets a lot of her values from her grandma, mainly her biting sarcasm and devil-may-care sort of attitude. she tells claire stories of her grandfather, who was a champion boxer and it ignites claire’s interest in the sport from a young age. she grows up without a tv and plays outside a lot.

her grandma dies when claire’s about eight years old and she goes to live with her mom, who spends the money from the will about as fast as it lands in her pocket. her mom dates a lot of unsavory dudes.

she and her mom actually grow quite close over the years, but a lot of times it’s claire taking care of her mom and not the other way around. the entrance to their trailer is like a revolving door for shady dudes and her mother drinks too much and sort of acts like an overgrown teenager, never ready to let go of her youth. claire learns a lot of responsibility and independence as a result of this.

her mom finally lands a dude that seems like a genuinely nice guy that makes her want to settle down and become a housewife. claire likes seeing her mom starting to act like an adult, and their lives start to turn around. he’s rich and they wind up moving in with him after the wedding, but things change shortly after, and he reveals a darker, more manipulative and abusive side of himself.

he takes claire out of her passion, boxing, because it’s not ladylike enough, and he starts talking to claire’s mom about boarding school. it’s then that he starts fighting your mom more physically as they disagree.

the climax of the drama is when he hits claire ( she’s sneaking around and still boxing ) , but claire knows how to hit back hard. claire’s mom gets caught in the fray, it’s a huge fight, and claire nearly kills the guy ( tbi for sure. )

as a result of the incident, claire is recruited to a spy prep school in new york at age 16, her sophomore of high school. claire’s angry and closed off, and has a difficult time making friends in high school. but she does go through a lot of anger management and such.

gallagher academy.

YEAR ONE: claire gets adjusted to school at gallagher academy, determined to prove herself among some of the world’s best. she quickly gains a reputation for her prowess in combat and spends long hours in the gym training. she slowly starts to open herself up to the idea of making friends.

YEAR TWO: even though claire’s made friends, she still keeps secrets about her past, keeping her guard up. she receives letters from her mom about a new guy she’s seeing, and an invitation to her mother’s wedding. she ignores it. she and her mom still haven’t spoken since she was sixteen. near the end of the year, she gets a postcard that her mom is moving to iceland, but she does nothing about it.

YEAR THREE: ( where our story started )

boys come to campus and claire feels like she has to fight harder for her reputation as THE BEST, isn’t pleased with their presence due to a longstanding distrust when it comes to men.

claire’s ego is boosted after she’s been chosen for a MISSION, to explore the abandoned boys’ school, blackthorne academy. there, she and mary sakamoto discover that it was a school for assassins. explains why claire keeps getting her ass kicked – these boys have been trained to kill.

witness protection kids come to campus, resulting in the death of one of them and gallagher student, amelia taylor. claire feels helpless as a result, always thinking of herself as a protector and gallagher has always been her stronghold, her safe place, and it all feels threatened.

claire has a falling out with a friend and feels super alone with all this shit going on and winds out reaching out to her mom. i wrote a self-para here, but her mom invites her to come stay for the summer.

when a brotherhood member is discovered on campus, she teams up with a group of...unlikely allies, and sneaks into the sublevels to kick his ass. his current status is unknown, and he’s quite possibly dead. either way, as far as she knows, they were never caught.

claire visits her mom in iceland for the summer (details here) and they sort of mend things. she meets her moms new husband and actually likes him.

PERSONALITY.

DETERMINED – when claire sets her mind to something, she will stop at nothing to accomplish it. she’d probably even risk death to accomplish her goals, she simply can’t accept failure.

HARD-WORKING – claire can pretty much always be found in the gym, trying to make herself better. it’s honestly a running joke how often claire is working out, but there’s a basis in it. honestly, claire thinks her only value is her muscle, so if that’s what she’s good at, she’s going to be the best. she’s that kid in your gym class that’s going way too hard for no fucking reason like calm down.

BRAVE – there’s little that claire fears, and even her fears don’t generally stop her from accomplishing her goals. you could chalk up some of her bravery to determination, but she’s been through enough that she doesn’t really stop to consider what she’s going to lose. so maybe it’s also stupidity!

LOYAL – it’s really challenging for claire to form connections, but when she does, she latches on. when she cares for someone, she really cares for them, and she’s pretty ride or die. this sort of loyalty can be a burden for some of her friends, because she can be somewhat overbearing.

ANGRY – claire’s probably best known for her anger, it’s like she walks around with a fuse waiting to be lit at the slightest inconvenience. funnily enough, her training has made her better at controlling it, but she’s still known to snap.

RECKLESS – claire often acts impulsively, says the first thought in her mind, does the first thing she can think to do in order to solve a problem. act first, ask questions later is usually her mantra, and sometimes it saves her ass – and sometimes it comes back to bite her in it.

DISTANT – claire finds it hard to open up or form connections with people, not often readily sharing her feels with people. she’s really averse to personal questions but she’s gotten better about sharing things about herself since making more friends at gallagher. still, she’s somewhat hard to get to know. i will refer you to this musing.

BRASH – she’s pretty cocky to a point that often comes off as rude, but the positive spin on it is that you’ll always know where you stand with claire. whether it’s good or bad, she’s up front, but most people she trains with are probably sick of her arrogance.

HEADCANONS/RANDOM FACTS.

can usually be found exercising. she’s really into sports and fitness and prior to the berlin internship, she used to spend her summers working at summer camps for athletes-in-training. she’s a pretty good coach, and tutors some of the other students that need help with their athletic prowess, although she’s described as a bit intense.

identified as bisexual until fairly recently, realizing that she doesn’t care or have much interest in romantic relationships with men ! so, now she identifies as a lesbian.

cannot sit through a movie to save her life, claire’s easily distracted and bored, always needing something to do. she didn’t grow up with a television set in her home either, so she hasn’t seen many movies and is a little out of touch with all things pop culture.

takes pictures like a mom, if you ask her to take a photo of you it’ll probably a) be a little blurry, b) have her thumb in it, or c) both.

really likes podcasts! she listens to them a lot during her workouts, while she runs the track, or anything else. claire’s not exactly known for her intelligence ( among the astronomical iqs of other gallagher students at least ) but she can spout some knowledge on things you wouldn’t expect.

generally a hard-ass but she’s a softie around animals, particularly dogs or cats, but catch her cooing and talking in a baby voice around puppies, she’s like a completely different person, pretty much.

drink of choice is whiskey, neat.

despite her preference for hand to hand combat, threat elimination has given her a multitude of skills. she keeps two knives on her at all times and sometimes wears a bulletproof vest for kicks. she’s prepared for anything.

#gallagher:intro #no need to reblog this on the intro blog tho ty #just updating everything!#abuse tw #violence tw #(light mentions/not much detail unless u click the bio tho)

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juminsmysticmc · 4 years

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Hi! It's me again! (You're probaby sick of me already) Can you write headcanon where MC ask Zen to go with him to the gym and thinks it will be all sweet but he turn out to be really strick trainer and then she gets a small revange? Love your writing and you're amazing!

Revenge

Pairings: Zen x MCEnding: Happy End

As if! I love you! It’s a good idea, thank you very much for this request!! I hope you enjoy it!

,,Awwee, cute...ohhh cute!“ you chuckled as your fingers double touched the screen of your new Iphone.Somehow you were currently into couple goals and searched up everything that other idols did with their partners.One of your current favorite things was working out together.You imagined working out with Zen in a long gray shirt, hair up, and flirting together until both of you were sexily soaked in sweat.Perhaps you would be the last ones going out of the gym…You imagined his warm hands on your shiny body after a workout.Your limbs would probably hurt from the hard training but you guessed Zen would make you feel better in no time.You grinned at your naughty thoughts.

You took your white soft pillow and pressed it at your chest, burying your face into it.,,Jagiya? Are you alright…?“ you heard your boyfriend‘s soft voice behind you.Suddenly, one of his hands was on your shoulder and the other was apparently checking your temperature.Your head shot up and you turned around to look at your boyfriend.His red eyes were observing you.You had to smile. Yes. This would surely turn out adorable!,,I‘m well, Zenny! I was just...embarrassed by my thoughts!“ you laughed, making him turn red as well.,,By the way, Zenny! I want to work out together with you in the gym...what do you think?“ you sweetly asked him.Zen‘s smile got wider as he heard your words.,,Okay then, Princess, let’s get changed!“ he laughed, motivated.And so, both of you left the house with a bag full of towels, water, and gym clothes to change into.

Just like you wished for, both of you were wearing a grad shirt and wide pants.The Adidas shoes, which Zen bought you for your birthday, fit perfectly into your cute plan.,,Okay, boomerang…!“ you mumbled and unlocked Instagram, ready to post a boomerang and tag your boyfriend.With various colors you wrote ,,Gym Time-Boyfriend time“ and smiled.,,Are you ready, Princess?“ Zen called you.,,Yes!“ you called back and got on his bike.Your hands were strongly wrapped around his body while your head rested on his back.Of course you were wearing a helmet.

You weren’t that sensitive about that matter, but Zen never let you on if you forgot your helmet.Once, he made you stay in a restaurant, got your helmet, came back, and took you home again.,,Even if you trust me, we can’t trust other people!“ he whined that time.

,,So, let’s do it!“ you joked.,,Nice. Every Nike fan will kill you if you say that in Adidas Shoes,“ Zen laughed. But as soon as you entered the gym, his laughter died down.He was eager to work out today and you weren’t allowed to slack either.,,You have to stand like this!“ he scolded you and repositioned your arm by one millimetre.You glared at your boyfriend who seemed like a demon.,,You have to straighten your back! No one runs like this!“ he scolded you again. ,,Aish…“ you mumbled and looked on your phone.A lot of people answered on your boomerang, saying how sweet it was.,,You guys don’t know a thing,“ you hissed and put your phone away.Usually you weren’t whiny at all, but when you saw that he was laughing with a female trainer, you grabbed his hand and asked if he could take you home.

,,I think I hurt my wrist, Zenny…“ you mumbled.,,Oh, let‘s go then. I thought we could stay longer, but if it hurts... let me carry the bag,“ he said.,,Goodbye, take care!“ he then hugged the woman and took the bag.You couldn’t believe it.Usually you weren’t the type who was jealous at all, but today you were on your last nerve. He wasn’t just a devil clothed in white, he also hugged a half naked woman!,,Oh, it was amazing today! I‘m happy that you wanted to come along! We need to work out together more! Let’s do that, babe!“ he laughed.Suddenly, he was the old Zenny you knew.You smiled back at him and agreed.,,Next week!“ you laughed, but in your head you were thinking something completely different.

The next week came quickly.

Today, you decided to wear a jacket to hide how you would get your revenge.,,Oh, you‘re already ready?“ Zen asked you.,,Yep, but get changed, Zenny. I’ll wait for you!“ you lied.As soon as the white haired man stepped out, you quickly took off the gray, long jacket you were wearing, exposing your pink sports bra.Of course, it wasn’t over yet.You quickly took off your trousers and ended up being just in your hotpants which were usually used to work out.You sat down on the power station.You knew what impression you would leave on the men that were watching you. They were in heat, tired, and were taking a lot of hormones. You also knew well how Zen would react.Indeed, it didn’t take long until all men in the gym were around you, observing you.,,Beauty, you‘re doing great!“ one man laughed, meaning it.You smirked at the comment.Everyone was complimenting you and saying which exercises you could do as well.And so you followed their lead.,,Okay, these two on your hands…“ one of them said.,,One step back, dear,“ the other grunted, simply touching the leg which had to go back.,,And now spread your arms and lay back…“ a third one said while the other man were observing you.,,Okay, I think that’s enough,“ suddenly someone said in a strong voice.You looked back at Zen and smiled at him.,,See, Zenny? I‘m better now!“ you chuckled.But your boyfriend wasn’t overjoyed at all.,,Okay, guys, that’s my girlfriend. I will teach her the rest. You can go do your own stuff…“ he mumbled, feeling deeply hurt.,,Okay, man, just think about it. You can’t be too strict on her. Don’t be an ass…“ one of the men said.

You suddenly realized that the man was there last week too and probably already realized what you were trying to do.Zen simply nodded and waited until everyone went away before he hugged you. He put his jacket around your body and glared at you.,,What did I do wrong?“,,You were so mean to me and then flirted with the girl last week…“ you confessed honestly.Zen planted a big kiss on your soft lips, brushing your long hair away to feel your skin on your neck.With the other hand he held your back.When both of you had to catch air again, your boyfriend laid his head on your shoulder, nuzzling your neck.,,Okay I‘m sorry...I was strict and I didn’t notice. You need to tell me, but please don’t do things like that...and about the girl, she‘s a friend of me...and besides, she has a girlfriend…“ Zen mumbled, making you burst into laughter.Both of you decided to go back home and have a movie night together instead.When you wanted to work out, you just tried to go jogging or watch YouTube videos at home.

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lalainajanes · 5 years

Text

The Kindness of Strangers

It takes a good half hour for Caroline to realize that she’s been ditched.

In her defense, she’s not exactly at her best.

She can’t stop coughing, her chest hurts. She’s freezing, still wearing her coat and scarf even though she’s been indoors, waiting for her turn to see a doctor, for three hours. Caroline will admit that she’s never been an ideal patient. She hates every single part of being sick – gross fluids leaking from her body, disruptions to her carefully plotted schedule. She loathes weakness, isn’t used to having to count on other people. She’s lived in Chicago for just under a year, doesn’t have many people to rely on.

She’d been self medicating for days, guzzling DayQuil and NyQuil in turn, googling home remedies and forcing down cup after cup of chamomile tea with honey.

The medicine hadn’t helped, nor had the tea and the best medical advice Pinterest had to offer.

Hence why she’s sitting in an uncomfortable plastic chair, in a packed waiting room, braving screaming children, bloody wounds, and even more airborne germs.

She’s staring dumbly down at her phone, at the picture that’s just popped up on her Instagram feed. Posted just a few seconds ago it features her boyfriend at the gym, his face strained as he lifts a kettlebell. She hadn’t bothered to read the caption, knows it’s some nonsense about reps or mile times that she’s only ever feigned interest in for the sake of politeness.

He’d been yammering on about his workout plans since he’d picked her up. Caroline had been humming in acknowledgement at regular intervals but she’d figured it didn’t need to be explicitly stated that leaving her in a hospital waiting room was so not cool.

Apparently she’d been mistaken.

“Please tell me he’s some sort of useless relation. A cousin you’re only nice to because your mum insists.”

Caroline’s head swivels to the speaker, a touch surprised by the accent. The guy next to her is looking down at her phone, his expression disbelieving. She’d nodded tiredly at him when she’d sat down, some part of her brain cataloguing a general impression of an attractive man in her age range. She hadn’t been in the mood for conversation and he hadn’t attempted one either. She’d felt him shifting next to her, restless, and probably in pain judging by the impressive rainbow of purple-black bruises covering his bare left foot.

She should probably snap at him, demand he mind his own business but, if her own freaking boyfriend can’t be bothered to skip a workout when she’s in the emergency room, it’s probably a good idea to expand her social circle.

“My mom has even less time for useless relations than I do.”

“She sounds like a smart woman. Does she like your boyfriend?”

Her mother had yet to be introduced. Caroline had planned a trip to Mystic Falls for a long weekend but Stefan’s brother had called last minute with one of his bimonthly crisis’s so Caroline had made the trip solo. In hindsight, maybe she should have read more into the lack of effort. “Very smart. And handy with all manner of firearms.”

A warning, just in case he happens to be a serial killer.

His brows rise, a hint of amusement beginning to curl his lips. Caroline’s forced turn away and bury her face in the crook of her elbow as she’s wracked with coughs. She slumps back when she’s done, needs a moment to catch her breath.

When she peels her eye open her neighbor’s expression has softened with concern. “I’m Klaus,” he offers.

“Caroline.”

His arm nudges hers on the armrest between their chairs, a weird approximation of a handshake that Caroline returns. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, even if the circumstances are less than ideal.”

She’s naturally nosy, and he’s given her an opening, “What happened to your foot?”

“Stupid accident. I was helping my brother move, he got distracted. A rather heavy sofa came down on my foot.”

Caroline winces in sympathy, leans forward to peer around Klaus. She hadn’t noticed him talking to another guy but, as she hadn’t really noticed Stefan taking his leave while in her fog of misery, that doesn’t mean much. “Is he here?”

Klaus makes a low noise of denial, “God, no. Kol can only sit still as long as the average five year old. I’ll be storing this incident away for later, when I need a bigger favor than a ride to the hospital.”

Caroline doesn’t know much about healthy sibling relationships but she can admire a strategic mind.

“How long have you been waiting for?”

“I got here about an hour before you did.”

“Ugh,” Caroline grumbles, crossing her arms and yanking her sleeves down over her hands, “maybe I should have just made another pharmacy run and gone back to bed.”

Klaus leans forward, pulls a jacket and a scarf out from under his seat. He shakes them out, offering them to her. “Here. I find it quite warm in here but you’re obviously suffering.”

She shakes her head, “No, I wouldn’t want to infect you with whatever I have.”

“Did you just fall ill?”

“It’s been a few days.”

Kat, her boss, had bullied her out of the office when Caroline had nearly passed out after standing up after a meeting. Caroline had tried to protest but Katherine Pierce was excellent at getting her own way. Caroline had been in the back of a town car, under a blanket, with a driver who’d had strict instructions to only stop at a restaurant for the giant takeaway container of chicken noodle soup Kat had ordered.

She’d texted Stefan when she’d gotten home, had gotten sympathy followed by an apology. He’d told her to rest, that he hoped she’d feel better soon, but he’d claimed that he couldn’t rick catching anything, not when he’s training for a marathon.

Alone on her couch, trying to muster the energy to get herself to her bedroom so she could change out of her pencil skirt and blouse, Caroline had told herself that she shouldn’t be resentful. That ambition was sexy, goals were admirable, and she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself.

That it wasn’t at all annoying that, just a month ago, she’d spent a whole weekend refilling a hot water bottle for Stefan every half hour after he’d pulled a muscle. He hadn’t asked her, she’d offered, and relationships shouldn’t have scorecards.

Maybe they had different love languages. That didn’t mean they were incompatible.

Reciting the bullet points from Cosmo relationship articles hadn’t stopped Caroline from feeling resentful.

Klaus shakes his jacket gently, drawing her attention back to him, “I doubt you’re contagious at this point.”

The jacket looks to be wool, heavy and lined and probably super cozy. She only hesitates for another second before taking it, draping it over herself like a blanket and looping the scarf around her neck.

She manages to avoid obviously tucking her nose into the fabric, to better appreciate the light touch of the very nice cologne Klaus must use.

“Thank you,” she murmurs. “You can tell your significant other that you’ve earned a pile of gentleman points.”

It’s not the most subtle fishing Caroline’s ever done but she’ll just have to blame that on the large doses of over the counter meds still swimming through her system.

Klaus doesn’t seem to mind, his smile widening as he leans back in his seat. He rests his head back against the wall and sprawls a bit, closer to her than he’d been before. “There’s no significant other.”

She probably shouldn’t consider that good news but she totally does.

“And you?” Klaus asks, “how long have you and the… fitness afficianado been an item?”

Caroline suspects the moniker he’s settled on is far more polite than he’d like to be.

“About six months. But we’ve known each other since we were kids.”

“Let me guess, you were high school sweethearts who reunited years later.”

His distaste is obvious and Caroline laughs softly. “Um, no. Not even close. I had a ginormous crush on him but he was really into my best friend.”

Who’d waffled between being into Stefan right back and being into Stefan’s older brother.

Klaus sighs, “So he’s got an appalling lack of taste in addition to his other less than stellar qualities.”

It’s instinct to jump to Stefan’s defense. “He’s really a great guy.”

“I’m sure.”

“He’s training for a marathon. It’s a lot of work.”

“Is this marathon tomorrow?” Klaus asks pointedly. “Because otherwise I don’t understand why he couldn’t take a day off when you’re so ill you can barely walk.”

Caroline deflates, presses her lips together as she swallows the argument she’d been about to make. She’s had plenty of practice lately. When she’d first moved, and Stefan had shot her a message offering to take her out for a drink to celebrate her new job, it had been easy to fall back in with her old friends. He’d been familiar, Elena and Damon too, and she’d been busy with her new job and settling into a new apartment. It had been easier to relearn how to be around them than to meet new people.

She’s a people person though, has started getting closer to a few coworkers, and Enzo, Rebekah and Kat all have certain opinions about Stefan that Klaus is mirroring.

“Perhaps this is none of my business,” Klaus says, after her silence has stretched on. He’s watching her carefully, like he’s wondering if he’s pushed too far.

“It’s really not.”

“Lost those gentleman points, did I?” he jokes.

Caroline laughs, willing to roll with his attempt to lighten the mood. “Maybe not all of them.” Because she is warmer now, with his layers piled on top of hers. “Where are you from, anyway?”

He’d given her the perfect opening to pry and Caroline’s not going to waste the opportunity.

All in the interest of broadening her social circle of course.

A month later, after a breakup, rearranging her entire apartment (three times), she’s decided to make more of an effort to turn her coworkers into real friends.

Rebekah’s throwing herself a birthday party. There’s even a dress code. Enzo informs Caroline that all of Rebekah’s brothers are ridiculously hot, so clearly she needs a great new dress. And heels. And some lingerie and a new lipstick because, why not?

She sees Klaus before he sees her. He’s planted on a loveseat in the living room, his casted foot resting on an ottoman. He’s flitted through her thoughts more than once since they’d met and Caroline had regretted not getting his contact info. Or at least a last name.

Klaus might be a unique name but her attempts at social media stalking had all failed.

Caroline grabs a flute of champagne (seriously, Rebekah knew how to throw a party) and hugs the perimeter of the room. She approaches Klaus from behind, sitting down on the arm next to him and chirping, “Well, fancy meeting you here.”

His eyes snap up, widening when he recognizes her. “Caroline,” he says, something like wonder coloring the tone.

It’s enough to confirm that she’d not the only one who’s spent way too much time thinking about those few hours they’d spent together.

“Glad you remember me,” she teases. “How do you know Rebekah?”

“She’s my sister.” He shifts over, threading his finger through hers to pull her down next to him. Caroline has no objections, not even when he’s pressed along her side, leaving enough room for another person beside him. “And you?”

“We work together.”

“Small world,” Klaus murmurs, very pleased about it.

Caroline can relate.

She nods down to his foot, “What was the verdict?”

He groans, “At least six weeks in the cast. I’m right sick of it. I’ve barely left my place since it happened because I can’t drive and the simplest things are infinitely more annoying.”

“I’m glad you made it out tonight.”

He’s still got her hand clasped in his but his free arm comes up, resting loosely around her shoulders. He speaks more softly and Caroline leans closer to make sure she can hear. “Likewise, love. I’ll never complain about Rebekah being a shameless nag again.”

Somehow, Caroline doubts that.

She spends the duration of the party at Klaus’ side but she meets a whole pile of new people. There’s Kol, the brother whose couch had maimed Klaus’ foot, Elijah, who is a little scary, with his appraising eyes and aggressively perfect manners. She gets some tips about thrifting vintage clothes from Gia, a classical violinist, and when she chats with Marcel he says he hopes he sees her around, promises that he knows plenty of embarrassing stories about Klaus.

She’s kind of kicking herself for falling back into old habits when she’d first moved to Chicago. Clearly, she’s pretty kickass at making friends.

She leaves with Klaus’ number in her phone and plans for dinner the next night.

Sunday brunch plans follow, with Rebekah, where there are bottomless mimosas and vague threats.

It’s easily the best weekend she’s had since moving.

Though not for long.

#klaroline #klaroline drabbles #i probably should have saved this for auweek #but like all writer's i am needy yo #inspired by an aita post #where the answer is usually YES YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE

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letstalkaboutsebbaby · 4 years

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Changing Habits - Chapter 5

When she gets a big role with an action franchise, Camille has to make some improvements and training with coach Lance might be exactly the changing she needs.

Pairing: Lance Tucker x Camille Thompson

Author: Deb @letstalkaboutsebbaby / @letswriteaboutsebbaby

Rating: mature

A/N: I’m not sure why I’m keeping this up to be honest...

“Will you tell me why you left so suddenly yesterday night?” Camille asks after 20 minutes of waiting for Lance to say something. He keeps jogging and only looks at her briefly, not really sure how to respond to her. The truth is not an option so he ignores the question and changes the subject.

“You didn't order pizza, did you?” a side smirk almost making her forget the main goal for the morning: make him go to her house.

“You should trust me” she stops and looks seriously to him who stops a couple of steps ahead. “I said I’m in a no pizza policy”.

“Sorry. I do trust you. Let’s keep on running, there’s a pap right behind us”

Camille looks back to see the man with a camera not far from where they are “Great. Mom’s gonna have a fit”, she mumbles, resuming the run. “She keeps arguing that the treadmill is enough but I love our runs, the wind, the motivation…”

“We’ll do whatever you want to do, Cami”

“Yeah, but I told her I wasn’t running outside anymore”

“I see. You know, you shouldn’t have to lie to your mother about exercises...”

“I know, I just don’t want to fight with her”

“Tell her I insisted. She hates me already”

She smiles and stops again this time in front of the gym “Have lunch with me? I’m leaving tomorrow and I’ll miss you”

“Yes, sure. But you won’t, you’ll be too busy to notice I’m not there” He says before holding the door for her to enter and walking to the bathroom to refresh himself. She watches him as he goes and it takes more than the right amount of time for Camille to realize that the receptionist is staring at her. Yeah, I’m gonna miss him.

It was a bit after 1 pm when Lance gets to her apartment. The actress routine is too busy for her to actually cook so almost every meal she has is done by her lovely neighbour Reena - an old lady that lives in the building across from Camille’s and that was struggling since her husband got fired at age 68. Camille hired her as a cooker and pays very well for the lady to make the everyday meals.

“Lance! Cami is on the phone with her mother, she’ll be here in a moment...how are you my boy?”

“Mrs. O’Donnell, I’m good and you, Ma’am?”

“Great, great! I made you kids some delicious pasta, I hope you like. I’m leaving so you kids have your time...be a gentleman!”

“We’re just...having lunch. I will be in my best behaviour”

“Yeah, yeah...I heard it all before…” the old lady pointed out, leaving the flat at the same time Camille pops up.

“She’s gone?! Oh, I wanted to give her something…”

“You’re looking cute” he confess before he can think about it. The big sweater looking comfy and sweet on her.

“Thank you, It’s getting chilly...you look good too” it feels a bit strange cause this is not a date but they’re acting like a it’s a date. “Can you help me getting a suitcase from the wardrobe, please? I’m not tall enough it seems”

“Sure, lead the way”

It’s the first time the coach enters her bedroom and he tries not to look around, but surely there’s a box with a sexy black lingerie on her bed wich she pulls away as soon as she realizes is on display, a blush on her cheeks.

Lance gets the mentioned suitcase and she leaves it at the side of the bed, saying a shy thank you. “Is there anything else that you need?” he whispers,

She looks at him startled trying to figure out if there’s a double meaning to the question. She decides to brush it off, the nerves getting the better of her. “No, let’s go eat...Reena made pasta with bolognese sauce, I know you like that”.

The lunch was pleasant and they talked about her routine, his plans for the free week, and her mother being mad about the pap encounter from the morning.

They were washing the dishes and talking about her development in the gym when Louise walked in, surprising Camille and making her feel like a child.

“Mom?”

“We have some things to talk about, Camille” Louise states before going to the living room without saying hi to Lance.

“I was already leaving...thank you for the lunch”

“Thank you for coming, I…” she says before Lance sees Camille is embarrassed by the way her mother entered unannounced and without acknowledging him, so he takes her hand and gives a little squeeze before bringing it to his lips and placing a kiss on the back of it.

“Talk to you later, sweetheart” he gets his jacket and leaves.

I’ll definitely miss him.

#lance tucker #lance tucker fanfic #lance tucker x ofc #lance imagine #lance x ofc #sebastian stan fanfiction #changing habits #my fics

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merrrcurius · 5 years

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some step-papashi for you hoes

i’ve written several scenes for myself and i’m having a lot of fun with this au, but i’m not sure if i should add to my growing pile of wip’s on ao3 lol... lotta pressure, but i’m down if y’all are?

the gist: kakashi is a fine-ass soccer coach who cares. the following circumstances bring our two fav people together.

Fingers thrumming against the steering wheel in rhythm to the rock song playing on the radio, Kakashi drove down the winding exit of the park debating the pros and cons of cooking dinner or picking up takeout. The barbeque colored street lights illuminating the road made him crave some type of meat, but that would take too long to cook and he was feeling particularly lazy tonight.

Dealing with his latest team of brats tend to put him in the mood to sloth out for an indeterminate amount of time. Tonight had been rough. It was only the third week of practice with his new team and already he wanted to strangle these kids. They were a bunch of little shits that needed an ass-whooping, especially Tenzo’s team. Unfortunately, he could only dole out so many laps and exercises as punishment before the kids began complaining to their parents and then the parents started complaining to them…

Kakashi had to remind himself that he actually enjoyed coaching.

Whatever his food choice, or lack thereof, a hot shower and some smutty fanfiction on the back porch would conclude his day. Forget answering emails, cleaning his cleats, or managing the gym’s finances. All of that could be saved for tomorrow. He'd rather starve than waste any precious time relaxing, especially since The-Toad-Master's new chapter should have updated during practice if the last author’s note was anything to go by. Kakashi glanced at the clock on his dash and shift impatiently in his seat. Oh yeah, I'm way late.

Slowing down for the stoplight at the end of the drive, the man looked both ways out of habit despite the empty highway only to do a double-take at the sight of one of his U-10 soccer players sitting on a bus bench. Yanking up the mask he'd left hanging around his neck to hide his “degeneracy”, Kakashi rolled down the passenger window and called out to her. “Yo."

She was either really smart or really stupid for ignoring him. Kakashi cleared his throat as he turned the knob down on the radio and said a bit louder, “Sarada.”

“Coach!” The little brunette startled, fumbling her flip phone like a football before turning to gape at him. “Ah - hi! It’s you!” She squeaked and tucked her phone away. “W-What're you still doing here?"

“Aa?” Kakashi cocked an eyebrow and withheld the amused chuckle bubbling in his throat. "I could ask you the same thing."

"Oh, um, this…" She gestured to the bench nervously and stuttered out, "I… I was just… er, you know… waiting."

“By the highway?” Kakashi asked and set his forearm on the steering wheel, giving a discreet glance around to emphasize that this was not acceptable. He cocked a brow. “What happened to the ride picking you up at the pavilion?”

Sarada pursed her lips angrily for a moment and tugged on the sleeves of her red jacket as if she were uncomfortable. Then muttered. “Er, s-something came up…”

“Okay…” Kakashi trailed off with a frown pulling at his mouth. Narrowing his eyes, Kakashi wiggled his fingers against the gearshift. Who the fuck leaves their - “But, wouldn’t it be safer to wait back at the field?”

“I’m fine, Coach! Really!”

“Maa," Kakashi sat back with sigh and ruffled his hair as he thought about what to do in this kind of situation. He wasn’t fit to be a parent - or a coach really - hell, this whole gig had only started out to log hours for community service. Considering that, did he have any right to judge another parent for something like this? He cast an uneasy eye at the kid. Yes. Yes, he did. Consternation coloring his tone, he said, “I dunno if I can let this slide. Come on, I’ll drive you back. We can practice drills while we wait for your ride.”

Sarada scrambled for the laminated square hanging on her backpack as she tried to explain her situation and said, “You don’t have to, Coach! I take the bus all the-”

Perhaps he had been to open handed with his instructions. Kids these days.

“That wasn’t a question.” Kakashi interrupted firmly and stared at her. The girl crossed her arms and attempt to hold a glare, refusing to move despite the nervous bounce to her leg. Kakashi raised an eyebrow at her attitude and stated grimly, “If you make me step out of this car, you won’t be playing in next week’s game, Sarada. Get in.”

Sarada attempt to hold her ground a few more seconds until she heard his car door open and the overhead light came on. With a yelp, she ran to the passenger side door and yanked it open. Moving some binders for their stats and strategies out of the way, Kakashi eyed the large overnight bag she situated on his floorboard wondering if she was homeless but quickly dismissed that ridiculous thought. She was ten years old. And she had a mom. Although, that had never deterred him as a child...

Sighing inaudibly to mourn the chunk this would take out of his reading for the night, Kakashi twist in his seat to look for any cars behind him before pulling a u-turn in the entrance of the park. The ride back to the soccer field was quiet and tense; Kakashi pondering whether he had been too harsh on a child that wasn't even his about something not even sport related and Sarada embarrassed, worrying if opening the car door count towards her suspension.

Parked once more near the fields they'd claimed earlier in the evening, Kakashi reached under the seat to pull the lever and scoot his seat back for extra space to put his cleats back on. They were wet and muggy. He sighed.

“So, that’s what that smell was…”

Kakashi shot Sarada a look and retort. “More like your upper lip.”

Sarada blew a scoff through her lips to hide her laugh and turned away, crossing her arms defiantly. She muttered to the window, “What a lame comeback.”

“You’re just mad you don’t have anything to comeback with,” Kakashi mocked sassily, bobbing his head as he bent his leg for a better angle. Once his socks were snug in wet ass cleats again, he grabbed a ball from the backseat and stepped out.

Sarada didn’t budge from her spot.

Glancing back, Kakashi shrugged and decided to juggle while they wait. He couldn’t care less if she sat in the car and ignored him. After removing the doubts of his behavior, he'd decided it would simply be irresponsible of him to leave her by the highway and there was no way around that fact, even if Sarada chose to be stubborn about it. Perhaps, if she’d been smart and waited inside the pavilion like she’d originally said she would do... they wouldn’t be here. To think he had thought everyone was picked up. How had she managed to walk all the way to the exit without him noticing, anyways?

It didn’t take long for Sarada to get bored. She climbed out of his 4runner and stomped across the sidewalk to join him, a scowl maring her face. When he didn’t acknowledge her, she called out for him to pass. Looking all the world as if he were blatantly ignoring her, Kakashi turned away to take in the field with his hands on his hips. It was another cold night in January, a fine mist settling on some of the fields. He was glad the city park kept the lights on after dark, otherwise they would be in a pickle.

When asking didn’t work, she huffed and puffed before charging to take it by force. Kakashi smiled and adjust his mask as he await her approach. Her pigtails were whipping around her shoulders. Poor form. He needed to teach these kids how to run properly otherwise this season was going to suck. When she was close enough, he kicked the ball through the open stride between her feet at the last minute and walked around her.

Spinning to face him, Sarada growled impatiently, “Why won’t you pass? You said we would practice!”

“Why should I?" Kakashi teased as he dribbled circles around her. "It’s no fun passing to a grump.”

“I’m not a grump! You’re a grump, old man!”

“Old man, eh?” A chuckle huffed through his mask as he backpedaled away from her, dragging the ball with him as he taunt her. “At least, I can keep the ball.”

“I’ll show you!” Sarada yelled and dove in, leaving her stance wide open when she ran up.

He nutmegged her a second time and kept running toward the goal in case she tried to kick him like a savage brat. These kids were vicious. He called over his shoulder, "Maa, what was that, Sarada-chan?"

Now, normally, he’d feel bad for showing up a little kid, but not tonight. Sarada and Boruto had argued all two hours of practice about something completely unrelated to soccer. She deserved it for giving everyone a headache. Everyone being him and Tenzo. The kids thought it was hilarious.

“What a coward! You can’t run away!”

Stopping short with one foot on the ball and one hand rubbing his masked chin, Kakashi looked to the sky and said, "What were you showing me again? I can’t remember.”

Sarada bellowed a funny little shannaro he'd learned the girl favored over the last few weeks before he heard her running at him again.

Kakashi tucked his hands in his sweats as he waited patiently and listened to her cleats tearing into the ground. He had to admit, for a nine-year-old with poor form, what Sarada lacked in defense, she made up for in speed when she got going. Glancing behind him to confirm her position, he wait three more seconds and rolled the ball behind him, effectively nutmegging her again with his back turned. She squeaked and ran straight into him since he didn’t move. He glanced over his shoulder and smiled. “Hmm… how should I put this? You suck, Sarada-chan."

“O-m-g, whatever! I’m done!” Sarada yelled and kicked the grass angrily. “I should have caught the bus. This is stupid!”

“You’d be waiting till six in the morning for that.” Kakashi said, idly dragging the soccer ball back and forth under his foot as he watched her throw a fit.

Sarada stopped suddenly and looked up at him. “What? Why?”

“The bus doesn’t run this late, goofball.” Kakashi crumpled his brow and said incredulously, “Maa, you weren’t kidding when you said you were new in town.”

“Seriously?” Sarada cried and threw her hands in the air as she fell back on her butt. “Why is this place like this! What am I supposed to do now? Mom will have to drive all the way across town just to pick me up now. This is terrible!”

Kakashi hummed quietly, allowing his judgemental confusion to bubble for a moment as he swayed back and forth with his hands in his pockets. Then, he asked, “Doesn’t she usually?”

“Yes sir, but not this time.” She mumbled and crossed her arms angrily.

“Well…” Damn, now he had to know. Sarada’s mom was pretty exotic and hella feisty. She punched one of the dad’s in the head at open tryouts for saying something or another. He’d never seen anything like it. It was one of the only times Kakashi wished he indulged in gossip with the parents. After a moment of deliberation, Kakashi adjust his mask nervously, afraid of overstepping boundaries and asked, “What about your dad?”

“Um… He’s not...” Tiny fingers pulled at the grass beneath her, ripping patches out until she found words. She looked across the fields and said quietly, “Around… very often.”

“Aa, I see...” Kakashi said, gaze flickering between her face and her angry sundering of the grass. He hadn’t known Sakura was a single mother, although he shouldn’t have been surprised. Both parents usually showed up for Opening Day, took turns picking their kids up, or showed up to watch the first game at the very least, but he hadn’t seen any male that fit the description. “And you don’t have anyone else to pick you up? Maybe a grandmother?”

“We don’t have family here. My mom was offered a better job at the hospital, so… we moved.” Sarada shook her head at the ground, too busy cleaving grass in two to notice his awkward inner dialogue. She ducked her head and sniffled. “I’m really sorry, Coach. I didn’t mean to… for this...”

Mild panic shot through his system realizing this little girl was about to cry. Fuck. Why? It wasn’t that big of a deal. Things like this happened. It couldn’t be helped. Kakashi sucked in a breath of air as he crouched in front of her and plucked a few grass strands of his own. He wasn’t good at small-talk or emotions, he knew this and that was fine. Coaching was easy in a way that allowed him to be a hardass, strict and precise without all the extra stuff, but this… He really should work on his people-skills if he wanted to continue working with kids.

What could he say? What exactly should he do? The girl claimed she rode the bus often, she even had a laminated bus pass, although it was for a different city, but leaving her unsupervised was just… not his forte. Children weren’t supposed to be left alone so young. It was strange that her mother would allow this and yet it seemed she actually wasn’t, somehow. “Sarada... next time your mom has to work late, just hang out at the field. Alright? It’s no big deal, I’ll wait until-”

“No! It’s not her fault this time! Please don’t kick me off the team!” Sarada cried out suddenly, big watery eyes gazing up at him imploringly. “Dad was supposed to be here, to-to pick me up f-for dinner - but... but something came up-” Sarada snapped her jaw shut and looked away, face twisted with all the fury of a child betrayed. Tears steadily dripped down her chin despite how fast she was attempting to wipe them away.

Kakashi rotate his jaw as he bowed his head to give her a moment of privacy, and if he also happened to be avoiding her emotional display, well, he never said he was a good coach. Her words weighed heavily on his chest, uncomfortably close to his own childhood wounds and he didn’t want to think about it. He pressed his thumbnail into a blade of grass and watched it split.

“It’s just… It’s so embarrassing! I don’t want everyone to know and I didn’t want them to think I was getting extra p-practice like my last team. They started a whole crap ton of drama and Boruto w-would only make fun of me and call m-me a loser if he knew.”

“Hey, don’t worry about that butthead.” Kakashi said as he tossed his grass blades at her, jumping on the chance to turn this conversation elsewhere. “If they thought you were getting special training, they’d probably ask me for extra on the sly, too. You’d be a trendsetter.”

Sarada’s face lit up with a small giggle, but it died out quickly. She wiped her nose and looked up at him nervously. “S-Still, wouldn’t you have to wait here the whole time? I mean, my last coach got… he got really mad when I had to stay late and eventually told my mom to stop bringing me... I-I don’t wanna h-hic-old you up…”

Kakashi frowned at the thought of a nine year old taking the bus in a city as big as Konoha and wondered what in the fuck was wrong with whoever she’d had last year. Coaches had a duty to the kids while they were in their care, they owed that to the parents. To abuse or neglect those unspoken vows was just... wrong. Kakashi suddenly felt lucky to have had the kind of coaches he did growing up. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for his next words. If she had no one else to tell her what was wrong with this situation, then he would have to. That’s something he had loved about Minato-sensei. The man never let bullshit fly.

He picked at the bottom of his mask nervously, wishing he didn’t feel so constricted, wishing he felt more confident. Failure wasn’t an option, though. Lessons like this were imperative to learn at a young age, no matter how uncomfortable. Leveling a finger at her, Kakashi said perhaps too blunty, “Screw that guy. And your dad. It isn’t safe to sit by yourself next to the highway of all places, especially at this time of night… Do you understand what I’m trying to say, Sarada?”

Sarada looked down at her twisted hands and nodded meekly, eventually managing to croak out a weak ‘yes sir’ as another trail of tears dripped down her cheeks. Kakashi felt his insides twist painfully at the wobble in her lip. He hadn’t meant to make her feel worse or feel like it was her fault because it damn sure wasn’t. Maybe he should have worded it differently?

Running an anxious hand through his hair, he tugged at the ends as he bowed his head and tried to think of what to say to make her feel better, at the very least, turn this conversation to something easier so as not to end on a bad note. How would this look for her mom to drive up and see her daughter crying? There would be hell to pay, for sure. She may even take her daughter off the team and Kakashi couldn’t afford that. They only had two substitutes this year… He didn’t have kids, but he considered his soccer team to be pretty close to what it would feel like to have some and he didn’t want her to quit the team because of this or have hard feelings towards him and he hated to think of what she might be going through at home.

“Listen,” He began, dropping to his ass to mirror her as he took on a more gentle tone so it wouldn’t sound as if he were attacking her. “You don’t even have to say anything next time, okay? Just kick the ball around and if you haven’t left by the time everyone else has, I’ll understand what’s up. And I promise - Hey, look at me,” Kakashi wiggled a cleat in her line of sight and ducked his head to catch her watery eyes past the glare of her glasses. “I promise I won’t be mad. Or kick you off the team. That’s stupid.”

“Really?” Tears welled up in her eyes again as her face screwed up with emotion. Then she held out her pinky and wheezed out. “Pinky promise?”

“Aa,” A quiet, uncomfortable chuckle escaped him as he looked down. “My big toe’s stronger. How about that?”

“Ew, no! I’m not touching your big toe!” Sarada giggled a bit hysterically and scrubbed under her glasses to wipe her eyes.

“Are you sure?” Kakashi asked quickly and wrangled off a cleat to wiggle a sweaty sock at her. “Perfect timing. Big toe soup right here.”

Sarada shrieked and jumped up to run around him. He couldn’t help snickering as he pulled his shoe back on. Good. Things were… better. Okay, at least.

They passed the ball around a bit and he attempted to explain how to time a nutmeg until her mom arrived.

===

now that i’ve put this out, i’m debating whether or not to add their meeting when Sakura picks her up... i dunno yet. lemme know whatcha think peeps!

#kakasaku #fanfic #kakashi hatake #sakura haruno #sarada uchiha #fanfiction #anti sakura uchiha #look #i just don't care for the punk #alright #writing #soccer au #modern au #kakashi is a degenerate #or is he?#papashi #hatake kakashi #kakashi

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tammistories · 4 years

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Our Dilemma Chapter Four: The Game | Christine Mynt

Christine's POV

Everyone was getting pumped up for the game. The last class was a mess and the teacher didn't even try to silence everyone, actually, he was beginning to talk about the game. I'm super excited for Aim, George and the rest of the team, actually Mia was getting annoyed of me constantly talking about it.

"How come you're so excited about this game?" Mia is sitting backwards on the chair and Aim's next to me. His hands are shaking, he must be super stressed and nervous for the game.

"I'm always excited about Aims games! He's gonna kill it, right Aim?" We both look over to him and he's spaced out, not paying attention. Mia leans over telling me to leave it be and let him be until he calms down.

Class end and we all go to our lockers to leave everything and grab our wallets to get something in the cafeteria. Aim walk us there but then head to the basketball court to prepare and warm-up.

"Don't look so worried, you know he gets like this when it's game season." Mia push me a little as we get in line. We pay for our coffees and take a seat outside on an empty table. Mia sits on the table while I take a seat on the built on bench. Almost everyone is in the cafeteria waiting for the game to start and allow people into the court.

"Christine!" I hear George call me over the crowd and he moves over and when he gets away from the thick crowd inside I notice the dark-skinned, purpled hair girl clinging to his arm. I look over to Mia who's slurping her soda through a straw and she's looking back and forth between me and George. I ignore her and greet George as he takes a seat.

"Shouldn't you go and warm-up for the game?" I look over to the clinging girl and she was looking at me but turn away when she noticed me watching her.

"I'll go down soon, I was actually looking for you." Mia's slurping stops.

"Okay?"

"There's a party after the game. The team is gonna go and a lot of people from school. You guys should come." The girl next to him looks shocked and whisper something to his ear, he laughs it off.

"Don't be ridiculous Lena." Lena. I've seen her but never spoken to her. She always looked at me with such hatred, at least that's what it feels like.

"I've already sent you the address. Come, you won't regret it." He winks and then walks off with Lena.

"Did you know there was gonna be a party?" Mia shakes her head. I know for sure we're both thinking the same thing: why haven't Aim mentioned the party? I give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he was stressed and forgot. Nothing to make a big deal out of. Mia did not think the same though. She snatches my phone away from me to look for George's message.

"You had his number and you didn't tell me!" Ursula found us and have taken a seat with us. In silence, she drinks her bubbly water and watch us.

"It's just George and he put it there himself, I didn't want it." I look over at Ursula who shrugs her shoulders and look over at Mia and tells her it's no big deal.

"No big deal? First of all, have you seen George, he some sweet eye candy."

"God Mia." Ursula and I chuckle as she continues explaining her reasons for knowing everything about me and my life. I guess it's nice to have such good friends as Mia and Aim that cares and actually wants to know about me and my life.

Finally, after a while, we're interrupted as the cafeteria empties. They must be letting people in. In a hurry, I grab Mia and Ursula's arms and pull them with me through the crowd to get the best seats.

"Slow down!" I hear Mia call me as I drag them with me but I don't slow down. We need to get the best seats so Aim will be able to see us cheering him on. We get the seats in the third row and sit down. In front of us is the team talking tactics, I see Aim and George exchange a few words to the rest of the team.

"Aim!" Out of nowhere, Ursula yells out his name to get his attention. When he looks over so does the rest of the team, including George. We cheer them on yelling their name, Pirates, along with the rest of the crowd. The principal walk up to the middle of the court and says a few words and the whole gym quiet down.

"Welcome to this semester's last game. The Pirates will play against the Cheetahs..." He speaks some more but no one is paying attention. It feels like a small forever until the game begins when the whistle is blown.

The Pirates doesn't get a good start as the Cheetahs took the ball and made a goal. George doesn't look happy but Aim tells him something as they walk by each other and he swallows his anger. Throughout the game, each team make a goal one after another. Mia, Ursula and I are surely the loudest in the gym when the Pirates hit a goal.

"Come on Pirates!"

"Go Aim! Go, George!" We all yell together when the time is counting down. Less than a minute. We and a few others, that includes Lena and the rest of her group are the only ones standing and cheering. The players run back and forth as they take the ball from each other. It's a tie and the clock is ticking down too fast. Aim takes the ball from one of the Cheetahs players, he passes it to George. George throws the ball to the hoop but he's too far away.

"They're gonna miss it!' I hear someone behind us say in a panic but as if playing with our minds the ball roll around on the hoop and then falls inside it. Our side of the gym screams of excitement, as do I and jump with Mia and Ursula. The Cheetahs side of the gym has gone silent and are starting to leave.

"Way to go George!" I yell out with a bunch of others in the crowd and he looks over at us and quickly stops by me and waves in victory. The whole team is cheering and singing their victory song along with the cheerleaders.

***

We're at Aim and Mia's getting ready for the party. On the way here we asked him why he hadn't mentioned the party but he refused to answer us. Since we got here Mia has asked him no stop why he hadn't told her about the party. I try to stay out of the conversation, it's not a big deal he didn't tell us I honestly was unsure if I want to go.

"Because these types of parties always get out of hand. They're not much fun." I smell the cologne I bought Aim for his birthday and quickly comment it in the middle of Mia's fit.

We all have dressed up for the party, Aim hasn't gone all-in though as Mia. He's wearing a plain black shirt and ripped jeans with his long necklace with a thin metal hanging from it. Mia, on the other hand, is wearing a tight pink tank top that exposes her belly, with that she's wearing black shorts. Mia forced me to put on one of her tight, belly exposed tops which I'm not very comfortable with but just for tonight, I guess. I have blue shorts with my jacket over.

When we arrive at the place which is surprisingly close I feel like I've seen it. I must have passed it a million times when I walk to work. I wonder who from school lives here?

"Dude you should have put on more makeup." Mia complains. I had only put on a little mascara and lipgloss that she had borrowed me but I didn't apply any more. The music is playing through the windows and when we walk up to the door and are about to knock it flies open as a girl, that I don't know, storm out in laughter with a guy following her. I look over at Mia and Aim that are giving me the same looks as I am. We're all thinking the same thing I'm sure of but we don't say anything and step in.

This isn't my first high school party but it definitely was something different. The play is already full of drunken boys and girls, laughing, playing, dancing and kissing. Anything you can think of their doing. Upstairs I can see people dancing, or more like grind on each other.

"George!" Aim calls out to the crowd and I then notice George's tall figure walk over to us. He first greets with a brotherlike hug and hugs both me and Mia too. When he hugs me the smell of alcohol comes like a punch and I hold my breath a little.

"You guys came! I've been waiting for you." He only looks at me as he tells us he has waited for us but he's 'you' sound more specific. Maybe I'm imagining it so I decide to ignore it.

"Come one, let's get you guys something to drink." He guides us to the kitchen table that is covered with bottles of alcohol, all kinds of alcohol and when he asks us what we'll have I look helplessly to Aim that might know more than me of alcohol. Aim just asks for beers and George hand us them after asking us before if we don't want something else, but we decline.

Mia's looking around at the place like it's heavenly. She drags me along for a good while to talk to our classmates from different classes we meet. She pulls me into playing a game beer pong, that I lose very quickly. Before I can leave the games area George comes over and gently grab my arm.

"Me and Christine against Sarah and Alec!" He shouts and people start cheering to the game. I couldn't even bother to react to Alec's name, another round here we come. He walks over to the table with Sarah clinging like a koala on his arm, it looked ridiculous. When I meet Alec's eyes he's already looking at me, I thought he would look mad but his eyes seem empty. George start and misses which gives Alec the turn. He put the ball in one of the cups, the public cheers and he has a smug smile on his lips. I take the glass and drink it, I don't know if I have to drink it or not, I just want to erase that smug smile off his face. I take the ball and for a small second, I feel dizzy but shake it off, the ball flies and fall into one of their cups. Without losing eye contact Alec takes the red cup and swallow it all in two chugs. We continue back and forth just me and Alec, George and Sarah aren't playing by this point, just cheering on. Near the end, he has 3 cups left and I have one. It's gotten harder to put the ball in the cup, it always jumps over the cups and Alec catches the ball with that annoyingly charming smile. He throws the ball and it falls into the cup, I pick it up without taking out the ball and chug the beer.

"You almost had him, Christine!" Mia says loudly next to me and George have changed to cheering for Alec now, he had walked over to him calling him a champion and being silly. Mia tries to talk to me but I don't take my eyes of Alec, he's still looking at me with that stupid, stupid smug smile, I feel his satisfaction like waves falling over me.

"I need some air." I excuse myself from Mia and walk away from the table and through the crowd. I try to walk to the door but oddly enough I get lost and find the stairs so I go up them hoping to find a little privacy. Further inside the house, I find an empty hallway and enter one of the rooms, luckily it has a small balcony I can go out to, to get the fresh air I'm needing.

From here I can see the backyard, there's light shining from underneath the grass. I hadn't noticed that there were people outside when we got here but maybe they moved out there since we got here. How long had we been here? I take out my phone from my pocket and see the clock, 1 am. We've been here for 4 or 3 hours, how is that possible?

"Are you okay?" I hear a dark voice come from behind me and when I turn around I just see a dark figure standing in the dark. I try to focus with my eyes to see who it is but nothing until he walks out to the balcony and I see that smug smile on Alec's face.

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I’ll keep updating every weekend!

On my Instagram (@tammistories) and Twitter (@peredo_tamara) I’ll be posting teasers and other things on my current stories, so make sure to follow me there!

#writer #own story #teenagenovel #lovetriangle #highschool #highschool story #ongoing #highschool drama #ourdilemma #badboyxgoodgirl

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laurent--stpierre · 5 years

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ORIGINS & FAMILY:

Name: Laurent Saint-Pierre.

Nickname: None. He hates when people try to shorten his name to anything. Last name is generally abbreviated to St. Pierre, though.

Birthday: December 28th.

Age: 37.

Gender: Male.

Place of Birth: Élysée, Paris, France.

Places Lived Since: Launceston, Massachusetts, and Porto Velho, California, United States. Messina, Sicily, Italy.

Current Residence: Chelsea, Kensington & Chelsea.

Nationality: French. Doesn’t hold dual-nationality.

Parents: Grégoire Saint-Pierre, Céleste Évreux.

Number of Siblings: Four. Odile, Agnès Saint-Pierre (sisters), Étienne, Jean-Paul Saint-Pierre (brothers) Laurent is second youngest, after Odile.

Children: One (that he knows of) a daughter, Gaia Cacace. That is something he has shared with nobody. Not even Odile.

Relationship With Family: It’s complicated. Growing up, Laurent’s parents were always more focused on working and their own hectic lives. It meant that the kids pretty much fended for themselves, despite the nannies, and whilst it might seem like that would have driven him closer to his siblings, the only one he ever really bonded with was his sister Odile; the single relative from Paris he still actively keeps in contact with. It was the rejection of his parents as a young boy that drove him into the streets of Paris in the first place. When he stole, they simply threw more of their wealth at him, thinking that if they bought him what he needed then he would stop. Obviously, it didn’t work, and he’s not really sure they’re sorry about it. Don’t get him wrong, it’s pretty fucked up (considering they essentially abandoned him during his prison time) but he still loves them. He just…doesn’t like them. Laurent saw them briefly when he got engaged to Claudia, but hasn’t bothered trying to see them since.

Happiest Memory: Without a doubt, his best friend’s wedding. Laurent might not have always approved of Oliver and Aurélie’s relationship, but finally seeing the man happy after all the shit they’ve been through was important to him. That was a good fucking time. I think all of the French took count of the things they had to appreciate in their lives at that point. It was a few days where they could just celebrate and forget about all the shit they had to go back to in Launceston.

Childhood Trauma: Besides his shitty upbringing, and ignorant parents, nothing.

PHYSICAL:

Height: 5′11″

Weight: 177lbs.

Build: As we say in the UK: built like a brick shithouse. Laurent is a big guy in terms of muscle, despite having a smaller frame than some of his colleagues. Serves him well.

Hair Color: Brown.

Usual Hair Style: Usually, he doesn’t do much to it. Has a habit of just falling into a scruffy look that suits him. Is also sporting a beard for the first time in his life.

Eye Color: Blue.

Glasses? Contacts?: Neither, his eyesight is perfect.

Style of Dress/Typical Outfit(s): Laurent is incredibly picky about what he wears. He knows that it’s important to look good to make an even better first impression, and for that reason, he takes a lot of pride in his appearance. Suits make up the majority of his closet. Tom Ford three-pieces for formal, Hugo Boss for daily. If you’re lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the rare, non-suited Laurent, then he’s probably in some black jeans, a plain t-shirt, and a leather jacket.

Typical Style of Shoes: The expensive leather kind. So try not to bleed when he’s kicking you in the fucking head.

Jewellery? Tattoos? Piercings? No piercings, no tattoos. The only jewellery he wears is his St. Clair signet ring, and it’s a great source of pride for him.

Scars: Far too many to list them all. I suppose his most obvious are the ones when he got shot up at the Versailles hotel opening. Took four gunshots that night, and was lucky to survive. Has some pretty nasty ones from his time in the basement, but thankfully they spared his face. I would imagine the rest of his body looks pretty torn up though.

Unique Mannerisms/Physical Habits: None.

Athleticism: Incredibly fit. Laurent used to compete as a junior boxer, and has definitely kept his skills up. If he’s not at Vixen, sleeping, or on the job, he’s probably working out. Does a lot more strength than cardio. Loves to fight.

Health Problems/Illnesses: Cocaine addiction. Probably only has half of his liver left, too.

INTELLECT:

Level of Education: Secondary education, at a private, Catholic school. Finished at 16. Nothing after that.

Languages Spoken: French and English fluently. Was in the process of learning Italian for Claudia, and is pretty good at it. Would consider himself intermediate.

Level of Self-Esteem: It’s so hard to tell with him. It’s on the lower side, but he’s still incredibly confident and thinks he’s better than you? Laurent can hate all his flaws, but the rest of you bitches are not allowed to point them out.

Gifts/Talents: Besides his boxing, he is also a rather gifted pianist. It was the compromise he had to make with his mother to be able to go to the gym. As she was adamant fighting was too aggressive, he attempted to appease her with something a little more refined. Though he always acted as if he hated it, he didn’t really, and ended up being quite good at it. He even has a piano that he takes to from time to time, though if anyone asks, he doesn’t hesitate to tell them it’s just for decoration.

Mathematical?: Fuck no.

Makes Decisions Based Mostly On Emotions, or On Logic?: A mixture of both. Laurent is influenced pretty easily by anger and frustration, and for that reason, his actions can be swayed by that. But when it comes to anything else, his feelings slip into insignificance, and he’s pretty logical.

Life Philosophy: Trust is a weakness.

Religious Stance: Was raised a God-fearing Roman Catholic. Lost his faith in prison and never really revisited the idea of religion after that. Claudia did try to encourage him back to church when they moved back to Italy, though.

Cautious or Daring?: Daring to the point of fearlessness. That’s going to have to change now he’s boss, though, and he knows that.

Most Sensitive About/Vulnerable To: People mentioning Pénélope or Michel. Also Odile. You fuck with his sister, you drive him to violence.

Optimist or Pessimist?: Pessimist.

Extrovert or Introvert?: Introvert. 90% of the time he wants you to leave him the fuck alone.

RELATIONSHIPS:

Current Relationship Status: Single

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual.

Past Relationships: Pénélope and Claudia are the key ones. More info here.

Primary Reason For Being Broken Up With: Being closed off. Inability to commit. Being an awful fucking person. His infidelity.

Primary Reasons For Breaking Up With People: Boredom. Laurent usually likes the chase more than actually getting the woman, and so moves on pretty quickly when they start showing serious interest. Also if they’re clingy. Nope.

Ever Cheated?: Yes.

Been Cheated On: Yes.

Level of Sexual Experience: Way too fucking experienced.

Story of First Kiss: He was fifteen, and a particularly pushy girl—the daughter of a family friend who’d been visiting their house for some kind of social function—was adamant that he was going to be her first kiss. It wasn’t like he was going to decline. As soon as she left, he’d run to tell Michel all about it, because they’d made a bet earlier in the year about who could kiss a girl first, and now he’d won.

Story of Loss of Virginity: The same girl as above, a few weeks later. Nothing monumental.

A Social Person?: The thing is, whilst I think he’s instinctively a loner, when he’s not being a total douche bag, he’s actually a really good friend. Some people see that, and really want to stick around. I think he has stages where he really enjoys the company of others (particularly female), but then relapses and hates the world, and wants them all to play in traffic.

Most Comfortable Around: Oliver. Veronika. Odile. Évelyne.

Oldest Friend: Évelyne is the oldest friend he has that hasn’t fucked him over since.

SECRETS:

Life Goals: Laurent would say he’s doing pretty well, to be honest. I don’t really think there’s anything career-wise beyond this point? He has peaked. I guess his life goal now is to keep up the good work, and maybe try not to be miserable forever. Taking control of London from the Rutherfords would be a nice bonus.

Dreams: Same as above.

Greatest Fears: Terrified of spiders and will act little bitch if he sees one. Getting old scares the shit out of him. Probably because he worries about two things that will follow: Losing his looks, and being less useful on the job. Something happening to his sister. Something happening to him that means he’s not around to look after her anymore. Someone hurting Oliver, Aurélie, or Ronnie.

Most Ashamed Of: How much he trusted Michel. Leaving Gaia in Italy, even though he knows it was the right decision. Still makes him feel like a shit person.

Secret Hobbies: Besides his pianism, none.

Crimes Committed (Was he caught? Charged?): Okay, let’s be real, I can’t list all of the crimes he’s committed because I’d be here forever. The only time he’s been caught and charged for anything, however, was when he took the fall for a job both he and Michel had been responsible for. The dick left him injured at the scene of the crime, and ran away to freedom. Laurent ended up with eight years in prison. It should be noted that Laurent’s kill count is relatively high in comparison to other non-assassins in the Organization, but the two biggest names on his list are Michel Chevalier, and Margaux St. Clair.

DETAILS/QUIRKS:

Night Owl or Early Bird?: Night owl. Unless work calls for the contrary, it’s rare Laurent gets out of bed before lunchtime.

Light or Heavy Sleeper?: Unless he’s crashing from a high/dealing with a hangover, his natural sleep is pretty light. He likes to think it’s a good thing because it means no one can sneak up on him.

Favorite Animal: Cows.

Favorite Food: Dauphinoise potatoes with bacon from Adrienne’s. That shit is banging.

Least Favorite Food: Generally not a fan of Indian. Beetroot.

Favorite Book: Laurent isn’t a big reader, and doesn’t really have a favourite book. He has neither the patience nor concentration to finish one.

Least Favorite Book: See above.

Favorite Movie: A Beautiful Mind.

Favorite Song: I Want To Break Free - Queen.

Favorite Sport: Loves rugby. Used to get into so many arguments with the bros about it, because they were all football bitches rooting for PSG.

Coffee or Tea?: Coffee. Black, two sugars.

Crunchy or Smooth Peanut Butter?: No.

Type of Car He Drives: Doesn’t have a car in London currently. Had a silver Bentley in the United States, though.

Lefty or Righty?: Right-handed.

Favorite Color: Navy Blue.

Cusser?: Every other word.

Smoker? Drinker? Drug User?: All three. Laurent smokes like a chimney, drinks like it’s going out of fashion, and regularly uses cocaine. Has dabbled with heroin because it was always a big thing back in Launceston. So was marijuana. There are few drugs he won’t touch, to be honest.

Biggest Regret: Same as the things he’s ashamed of.

Pets: A Siamese cat called Franz. Though he usually hates animals, he likes that cats are independent. Also, Franz is a bit of an asshole. Laurent can appreciate the attitude.

#character development

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stanstraykidsstantalent · 6 years

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Stray Kids as high schoolers

Woojin

Senior - Legit the only dude who takes Childhood Development, one of like the five guys in choir, student council, always putting up some kind of poster for something, calls all the teachers he hates by their first names behind their backs but kisses ass to them in class, gets pranked by underclassmen all the time but honestly doesn’t give a shit so he just shrugs it off, got roofied at homecoming junior year and Chan still won’t let him live it down, has his own car so he drives to and from school, somewhere along the way he becomes everyones chauffer, always up to date on school drama even if he’s not involved in it, doesn’t give pencils back after he borrows them, accidentally steals dry erase markers because he forgets he’s holding onto them, panics and shoves them into minho’s backpack when he’s not looking

Chan

Senior - does like three different sports, everyone knows him, even the freshmen, the one senior who actually doesn’t hate a particular class, biggest case of senioritis EVER, smart as fuck but doesn’t take any honors or AP classes because he’s stressed out 24/7 as is, that one dude always wearing his letterman jacket, always gets school lunch yet is somehow fit af, goes to parties but is always roped into being the designated driver, mama bird has pain pills and band-aids and Neosporin in his bag, people go to him before they go to the school nurse (because school nurses don’t know shit), brought a bag of candy to school one day and nearly lost his life fending it off from the swim team, will literally sprint after a kid with the intent to kill if he sees them naruto running in the halls

Minho

Junior - hates sophomores with a passion, randomly starts dancing in the middle of lunch to get people to give him food, twerked for some skittles once, literally always doing something for the school, whether it be helping with concessions or selling raffle tickets or fundraising, definition of been there done that got a t-shirt, “hey do you have a charger on you?”, every time he sees someone wearing neon he goes up to them and hands them a psych ward business card, goes to all the pep rallies but ends up sitting with the teachers and talking shit with them about the other team, best buds with all the deans assistants so he never gets stopped in the hallways, spends social studies class secretly looking at memes, sucks at making presentations

Changbin

Junior - passed out during dissections in freshman year bio and it’s forever his legacy, ripped jeans and band tee shirts every single day, sleeps in class and still manages to pass, tries too hard in gym, always has food on him, in contrast hE NEVER HAS A PENCIL, pretends to be illiterate so he doesn’t have to read in class, somehow still had to play juliet during the class reading of Romeo and Juliet, “Romeo, Romeo, where the fuck art thou Romeo” (Minho was Romeo), could probably deck a dean and still not get in trouble, all the freshies follow him around like chicks even though he’s the WORST ROLEMODEL EVER, one time woojin asked him for a second opinion on what he should do for a schoolday plan for childhood development, after that woojin didn’t talk to him for a week

Hyunjin

Sophomore - smuggles his dog into school once a semester, somehow never gets caught?????, snapchat king, always manages to document whatever crazy shit is happening in the hallways, has a youtube page for it, everyone follows it even the principal, everyone has a crush on him, everyone, is in like four AP classes and is always making jokes like “lol I wanna die” but actually enjoys the workload because he’s fuckin crazy, somehow has a really small backpack even though he has like a shit ton of stuff he needs to carry around, takes a full hour study instead of a lunch so he’s always swindling snacks off Changbin and sneaking food in the middle of class, has an infinite supply of granola bars in his gym locker

Jisung

Sophomore - a girl in his first hour once gave him a flower crown and he wore it the whole day, has a shit ton of aesthetic pics in his locker, like you open it up and there’s goals level pics with everyone, he doodles on the whiteboard, accidentally broke a basketball hoop during gym, manages to blow something up during all his chem labs, once ripped his pants in the middle of class and just fell to the floor and laughed his ass off, until the teacher told him he had to get clothes from his gym locker, literally sprinted down to gym in hopes that no one would see him, but then a deans assistant caught him and dragged him over to the office, the dean looked like he was gonna have an aneurysm

Felix

Sophomore - taught the principal how to dab and now he NEVER STOPS, if something doesn’t go well he just kinda shrugs, whips, then shimmies it the hell outta there before he can get in trouble, has broken more desks than you can count, no longer allowed near the art wing, naruto runs down the hall just to piss of chan, moved schools at the beginning of freshman year and the whole grade was SHOOK, recreates all the memes he can, tried to shove himself into a locker one time and got stuck, took a headfirst dive into a trash can once, and that’s how he made all his senior friends cause they were all like “same”, came back from spring break with dyed hair and earrings and this one girl legit started sobbing when she saw him

Seungmin

Sophomore - everyone thinks he’s an upperclassmen so he just acts like one, yells across the hallway if he sees someone he knows, is literally saying hi to someone every other second, popular kid but a nice popular kid, wore a one direction shirt for a prank once and now it’s a school wide meme, gets really into class games, another one of the choir kids, takes honors math classes and everyone thinks he’s insane for it, read somewhere you can blow up pottery in a kilm if you form it right, so he decided to sign up for a 3D media class just because for that, somehow ends up liking it and becoming one of the best students, he’s a literally always refilling his water bottle, never remembers his locker combo so he just pries the door open when he needs something

Jeongin

Freshman - had a huge glow up over winter break, no one recognized him when he came back, took one for the team and passed out during the pacer test so now the school doesn’t use it anymore, shy goofball, teacher makes him change seats? No problem, ten seconds in and they’re his best friends, takes the bus and hates every second of it so he hitches a ride with woojin when he can, the choir teacher hunted him down and bargained with him to make him join, roasts teachers behind their backs, has fallen down the stairs at least twice in one week, refers to the hallways as if they’re roads, has secret names for all the sections of the school, like the math wing is the “witches hut” and the foreign language section is “diddly darn squat”

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gethealthy18-blog · 4 years

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309: How I Overcame Trauma (and Lost 50 Pounds)

New Post has been published on http://healingawerness.com/news/309-how-i-overcame-trauma-and-lost-50-pounds/

309: How I Overcame Trauma (and Lost 50 Pounds)

Child: Welcome to my Mommy’s podcast.

This episode is sponsored by Fabletics, my go-to source for all types of athletic wear. Fabletics creates clothing that’s made to inspire physical activity in any type of setting. Moreover, Fabletics always aims to create fashionable, on-trend workout clothing at an exceptional price point. Their mantra is ‘Live Your Passion- every day.’ And Fabletics is your ‘one stop shop’ for affordable athletic wear. They have yoga, running, gym gear, sports bras, shoes, accessories and more. In fact, I am wearing leggings and a jacket from them right now as I record this. Here’s how it works… After taking a super quick, 60 second style quiz, you’ll receive a personalized showroom of pieces specifically catered towards your own unique style. This takes the guesswork out of what styles are best suitable for you and with just a few clicks, Fabletics is doing all the homework for you. Right now, you also get 2 leggings for only $24 ($99 value) as a VIP by going to fabletics.com/wellnessmama. I personally love (and am currently wearing) the high waisted powerhold leggings and they have some really cute new patterns with cut outs and designs that I am loving. That price is less than half of just a sports bra at some other brands, and just as good of quality. Also, here is a pro tip – make sure you enter your email address at the end of the quiz, as you’ll receive exclusive monthly discounts and the inside scoop about new collections that haven’t been released yet. You will always get free shipping on all orders $49 or more! There is international shipping available. Best part is that there is NO commitment to purchase monthly. All designs are done in-house so you can’t find these pieces anywhere else and you’re going to get a much cheaper price that most stores and a 45-day workout guarantee – Sweat it out for 45 days and if it doesn’t perform, return it for a full refund! Again, check it all out and grab your leggings at fabletics.com/wellnessmama

This podcast is sponsored by The Ready State. If you’re at all like me, you might have perpetual stiffness and pain in your neck and shoulders from years of working, carrying kids and all of the demands of parenting. Or sore hips from too much sitting or multiple pregnancies. I found a great way to relieve my aches and pains and improve my fitness and flexibility. It’s from someone I highly respect, Dr. Kelly Starrett at The Ready State. If you don’t know Kelly, you should. He’s a Mobility and movement coach for Olympic gold medalists, world champions, and pro athletes. He’s the Author of two New York Times bestselling books, including “Becoming a Supple Leopard”, which has sold over half a million copies. He has over 150,000 hours of hands-on experience training athletes at the highest levels. A Doctor of Physical Therapy who helps top companies, military organizations, and universities improve the wellness and resilience of their team members. He created a program called Virtual Mobility Coach. This program is easy to do from home each day, making it ideal for me, and for most moms. And I can do with my kids. Every day, Virtual Mobility Coach gives you fresh, guided video exercises. They show you proven techniques to take care of your body, relieve pain, and improve flexibility. And you can customize your videos in three ways. If you’re in pain, you can pull up a picture of the human body and click on what hurts. And from there, Virtual Mobility Coach will give you a customized pain prescription to help you find relief. Second, you can find a library of soothing recovery routines in the daily maintenance section. They’re a great way to wind-down and practice self-care from the comfort of your home. And third, for athletes, Virtual Mobility Coach also has an entire section of pre- and post-exercise routines for more than four dozen sports and activities. They help you warm-up before your workout so you can perform your best with a lower risk of injury. Right now, you can try Virtual Mobility Coach totally risk-free for two weeks without paying a penny. And after that, you can get 50% off your first three months. Just go to thereadystate.com/wellnessmama and use code WELLNESSMAMA at checkout. That’s half-off your first three months when you sign up for a monthly plan. And you’ll get personalized techniques to relieve nagging pain and improve your fitness and flexibility.

Hello, and welcome to “The Wellness Mama Podcast.” I’m Katie from wellnessmama.com and wellnesse.com. That’s wellnesse.com, which is a new line of completely natural personal care products that I’m so excited to share with your family. This is a much-requested episode and one that took me a long time to be able to formulate just because it’s a tough topic.

And today, I’m opening up and sharing about my own inner journey over the past year and how that led to some pretty dramatic physical changes without focusing at all actually on diet or exercise any more than I normally would have. And I’ll explain some of the details of that in this episode. Of course, and I’m happy to answer follow up questions if you guys reach out to me on the show notes of this at wellnessmama.fm. But if you told me a few years ago that something like the transformation I’ve experienced in the last year was even possible, I would not have believed you. My journey this year involved realizing first-hand just how connected the mind and body are and addressing the mental and emotional aspects that I had ignored for a really long time. In this episode, I’m going to share what worked for me and the resources that helped me along the way and those will also be linked in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm. But before I jump in, I also really want to emphasize that I think that even more important in the physical aspects of health, dealing with the mental and emotional side like this is an extremely personalized process and what works for one person might be ineffective or potentially even problematic for someone else.

And in my experience, it also was extremely important to find the right resources and practitioners that I could trust and to help me work through these things and I think that is extremely personalized and varied. I also want to say before I jump in, that in this episode, I talk about some pretty tough topics that might not be appropriate for children of certain ages. And there’s one specific topic that I’ll explain in an analogy related to Christmas that young children don’t necessarily need to hear. So, I would encourage you to stop listening now if you have kids with you or at least pre-screen this episode to make sure that it’s not going to create problems if you have kids listening.

So, I started this process last year to try to deal with my weight and ironically, the weight loss is probably one of the smaller benefits that I’ve experienced from doing this work. Even though it was the one I thought I needed the most and the one that took up such a huge amount of my mental energy for so long. At the beginning of last year, I vowed that I would figure out how to finally conquer my struggles with losing weight, not just for myself personally, but also for my daughters. I had the realization one morning when looking in the mirror that…and I was noticing all these things that I didn’t like about my physical appearance and it was a script in my head and I realized I had been doing that without even actually noticing it or paying attention to it my entire adult life. In fact, I had been focusing on finding my flaws and physically, especially since I was about 12 years old and since puberty pretty much. And at that moment I realized I have a daughter who’s almost 12 and while I remember feeling so grown up at that age and already feeling the weight of responsibility in a lot of ways, I couldn’t imagine her struggling through some of the same things I did.

And I also realized that while I had always made it a priority to talk to her and create a safe space and make sure that she felt like she could talk to me at any time, I knew that she needed an example of having a good relationship with one’s body, not just me telling her that that was important or trying to help her facilitate a good body image and self-image. So, for that reason, one of my goals for last year was to do whatever I had to do to get past those body image issues and finally make peace with my body. I vowed to figure it out no matter what and that I would not enter another decade with that issue still taking up so much of my mental and emotional energy and I would not pass on that pain of just always being so self-critical to my children.

And at the time, I thought that in order to do that what I needed to do was lose weight and that then I would be happy. And ironically, the complete reverse is what made it possible. So, the irony is I have a background in nutrition and I actually probably got into that in hindsight, because I was trying to solve my own weight struggles. I had been researching different aspects of health and wellness for years. When I say I had tried everything, I mean it. I had tried essentially every diet and plan imaginable. I had taken all the supplements, worked with all the doctors, literally dozens and maintained a really clean diet for pretty much the past decade. I had lifted weights and tried running. I did CrossFit, pretty much every other possible plan. And I did put on muscle and I got healthy and my blood levels actually were great. My labs were always perfect. Even my Hashimoto’s was now in remission, but at the same time, I knew that none of these things were working for weight loss. And so, I set out to figure out why.

And of course, a couple of factors were obvious. I had received a diagnosis of Hashimoto’s thyroiditis in the past and I had six pregnancies in nine years and any of those things on their own can make weight loss difficult. And when combined it made sense. And that’s what I had always, I think mentally defaulted to as my excuse. But I also started to realize, even though that was my excuse, I didn’t think it was the reason and my youngest was two at this point. And I knew that I couldn’t just default to it being post-partum anymore. I knew that it had to be possible to work through these issues and that the things I was doing weren’t working. So, I needed to really delve deep and explore and figure out what would work.

So, in the first week of last year, I did what I always do. In the past few years at least we start the year, my husband and I with a water fast, which physically is great. There’s a lot of benefits I’ve written about and talked about in podcast before. But also mentally, it’s great because there’s a level of clarity that comes with removing something that is so core and so important to daily life like food. And also, during this time I tried to really get self-reflective, reflect on the lessons of the past year and any goals for the new year. And also, to reread some books that I find personally important. So, every year I reread Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning.” I reread “The Four Agreements” and last year I also read “The Body Keeps The Score.”

Those first two books are great for perspective shift at the beginning of any new year, but “The Body Keeps The Score” set some things in motion that I now realize in hindsight were the beginnings of major shifts for me. I would recommend the book to anyone, not just those of us who know we have a major trauma to deal with. For me, I realized that some of the problems I seemed to be experiencing seemed to stem from a couple of specific things. Specifically, and I feel like this is something difficult, but I feel like important for us to talk about anyone who’s been through it so that it’s okay to talk about it. I experienced sexual trauma, I was raped in high school and I hadn’t ever really dealt with it or faced it internally or emotionally at that time. In fact, I remember in that moment being in such a place of pain and shock that I shut down emotionally as a way to protect myself. And I made a decision and internally at that moment that I would put up walls and I would never let myself be hurt again. And I built metaphorical walls that over time translated into physical walls.

Looking back, I can see just how powerful that mental decision was and that when we make a decision like that, the body and the brain line up to protect us. And I thought if I ignored the pain that I could protect myself from being hurt by it. So, I pretty much completely shut down and decided I was not going to feel that pain. I was not going to be hurt and I was going to power through. And looking back, I think at least an element of that excess weight was protective mechanism, a physical armor of sorts that helped me feel safe in my body for those years. Every attempt to lose weight in the past had been fighting a subconscious need for safety and the body and mind are wired and excellent at protecting us when we need them to. And in that moment I did need them to, I ignored the emotional side and I was relatively unemotional for a lot of my adult life, I think, as a way to keep that protection in place. I think I thought that by ignoring the pain and the emotion, I could protect from it, but it wasn’t until I was willing to face and experience that pain that I could work through it. In fact, it wasn’t until I recognized the pain, let myself finally feel it and experience all the emotions of it that I could get to a place of thanking my mind and my body for keeping me safe for all those years and then I could release the connection and the pain and to be free of it. And that said, that sounds like maybe a short process, but it wasn’t. I didn’t know actually how to do that. And so, the entirety of last year was a journey of trying to figure that out.

There were also other things that I worked through that I had never really even paid attention to. Like beliefs from early in life that I wasn’t good enough and always having this internal desire to prove that I was through achievement or being good in school or always like following the rules and being a good kid. And I was worried that when I started working through these things that I would lose my edge or that if I dealt with those things, I’d be less motivated or less productive. And what I’ve realized now is that when I was able to process and integrate those experiences and get to a point of being grateful for what they taught me, even though I, of course, wish they hadn’t had to happen, I still had the ability to use the beneficial aspects and lessons of those without having to hold onto the walls and the pain. And I found a place of much more peace and actually more productivity and more ability to work through things.

So, like I said, this was a very long process and it’s one that I’m still working on. I suspect that this is a lifelong journey that we all walk in some way. On the practical level, for those who wonder, I lost about 60 pounds in the last year and I’m still slowly and naturally losing weight without really trying to. So, for the first time since having children, I could easily button a size six pair of pants and that’s a new experience for me. I also found a new appreciation for my body and I feel like I have become a much more present wife and mother with the ability to connect deeply with the people I love the most. And the weight loss was a by-product of the much more important inner work. And I would gladly do all of this work again, even if the weight loss had not happened because of the inner shifts and the ability to connect more deeply that has come from this.

I, also, like I said, I wanted to talk openly about this trauma because so many of us have experienced similar things and it’s still so taboo to talk about. And I get it because having been through this, I know the pain and the shame and all the layers that go with this. And of course, Brene Brown has written some great books about vulnerability and shame and working through that. But my hope here is that I can provide a forum for this conversation to become more acceptable and especially focused on results and for those of us to be able to support each other and finding ways to work through these things instead of getting stuck in the trauma like I did for so long.

So, to start to walk you through my process, it started with recognizing that there was a problem. Like I did it in the beginning of the year and having a motivation strong enough to make me want to face it. It became more important to me to resolve this for the sake of being a better mother to my children and especially to my daughters than it was to protect myself from the pain anymore. And I also, it also took realizing that while I had done a lot of the “right physical things” in the past to try to address the problem, I had ignored a really large and important part of that, which was this whole inner journey.

And as a result, I was literally fighting my body and my brain in a losing battle because no matter how hard I tried to lose weight, willpower is not stronger than those internal protective survival mechanisms that keep us alive and keep us safe in that we’re wired for because there was very much a purpose for that. And so, I had this internal protective belief that it wasn’t safe to lose weight, which physically also kept me most likely in a state of fight or flight all the time and made it to release weight as it’s not something that happens naturally when one’s fighting for one’s life, your body’s not worried about digestion and sleeping well and all the things that go along with that when it feels like you’re fighting for your life. And I had gotten stuck in that process.

So, to explain it a little bit more, the process was very multifaceted and it kind of started with reading that book “The Body Keeps The Score” last year and here’s why. The book is written by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk and it summarizes his four decades of research on the impact of trauma on childhood brain development and emotional regulation. He’s definitely qualified to talk about this. He was a researcher at Harvard and a clinician. He published hundreds of academic papers and led studies on the effectiveness of many types of modalities to deal with trauma, including EMDR, different types of neurofeedback, MDMA-assisted therapy and just many others. In short, I would say he’s probably one of the most qualified in the world to talk about this topic.

So, in the book, he explains that trauma doesn’t just include major trauma like the one I had. Statistically and sadly, many of us do have this type of trauma, especially women. And this type of trauma is defined as acute trauma in the book. So, that would be things like rape and physical abuse, assault, domestic violence, being through a war. And sadly, while this is common, the numbers are one in five were sexually molested as a child. One in four was beaten as a child. One in eight have witnessed a parent being assaulted as a child. And depending on what statistics we look at, roughly one in three women have been sexually assaulted. These numbers are awful. And based on the statistics, there are a lot of us who are walking around facing the aftermath of acute trauma. And I was one of those. So, but it also is important to know that’s not the only kind of trauma. I know many people who work through a lot of these problems as adults and they actually feel guilty because they don’t have an acute trauma. And they think like, my life was actually pretty good and my parents really did love me and they worked hard and my parents were the exact same way. So, they feel guilty of feeling like there’s trauma because they feel like they shouldn’t feel like there’s trauma but, there is.

And what was really interesting in the book, so researchers looked at something called adverse childhood experiences or ACE and the numbers were much higher than they expected. In fact, only a third of participants didn’t report some kind of childhood trauma when they use this kind of mechanism of gauging trauma. They also expected that acute types of trauma, like the one I experienced, would be the worst ones, but it turns out that wasn’t the case at all and it wasn’t necessarily the most difficult adverse childhood experience to work through. For instance, emotional withdrawal from parents ranked as one of the most profound long-lasting impacts and that’s slow and continued child experiences like that led to the same types of long-term issues as acute trauma. They found that when a child, for instance, is regularly ignored by caregivers, that child learns to anticipate that and compensates by blocking out emotion and acting like it doesn’t matter. And so, that can lead to a lot of the same types of problems even if there was not an acute actual assault or trauma. But for many of these types of trauma, the body still knows and it remains in a state of alert to be able to handle that abandonment or neglect or abuse. And this carries into adulthood, it can manifest in a lot of different ways as lack of self-respect or self-love.

In brain scans, people had increased activity in the brain, specifically an area called the insula, which integrates and interprets information from sensory organs and transmits fight or flight signals to the amygdala when necessary. This part of the brain should only be firing during acute situations but can end up firing all the time when there’s either of these types of trauma, which leaves the body always on alert. From a physical standpoint, this makes it tough to ever enter a parasympathetic state and could mess up stress hormones. From an outward perspective, this can express in a variety of ways depending on the person and the coping mechanism. So, it could be things like disassociation and disembodiment like kind of being disconnected from one’s body to hypervigilance and panic attacks or anything in between. And I could tell from reading the book that I was dealing with some of the effects of acute trauma from that assault in high school and more subtle traumas from childhood that I’d actually largely forgotten or ignored until I started working through them. So, in the book, he talks about kinds of several different silos and types of treatment first being a more common one that we have all probably heard of, meaning top-down. So, this is like talking, talk therapy, connecting with others, allowing ourselves to know and understand what’s going on while processing the memories of the trauma.

There’s also the option of taking medication to shut down inappropriate alarm reactions or by utilizing other technologies that could change the way the brain organizes information and he makes the case that there is a time and a place for this and for some people, that is part of the equation. And then lastly, kind of bottoms-up approach by allowing the body to have experiences that deeply and viscerally contradict the helplessness, rage or other things that resulted from the trauma. For me, personally, I wasn’t comfortable taking medications and I didn’t think I actually needed medication, but I committed to working through my own inner struggles in any other way possible. I made it a priority to find safe places to process those feelings of those experiences and to focus on creating relationships where I felt safe and could process. Realizing the physical component of healing and that whole bottoms-up approach, I also committed to trying a lot of physical modalities that worked in that way to help the body during this time.

So, I’ll go deeper on all of these, but on a practical level, I tried a lot of things including, I did a lot of traditional talk therapy with a psychologist and psychiatrist. I used a method called tapping or emotional freedom technique. And I’ll link to these in the show notes if you want to read more about them. There’s a book called “The Tapping Solution” and an app that goes along with it that has specific tapping protocols for different things. And then also, I worked with someone named Brittany Watkins who does body image specific tapping. I tried hypnosis. I tried supporting the vagus nerve, which is connected to that fight or flight response. On the physical level. I tried to things like myofascial release and Rolfing, which I’ll talk about in more detail later in the episode. But realizing that, in “The Body Keeps The Score,” he talks about how the body physically stores trauma and how things like that can help actually release the trauma. And then I also focused on physical activity to help me reassociate with my body but not exercise. So, this was things like play, singing, which was something I was terrified of, which ironically, singing stimulates the vagus nerve and I started taking voice lessons last year. Things like that. So, I tried a whole wide variety of practice, all kinds of therapy, all kinds of mental work, all kinds of physical work.

As a key of this though, I want to talk a little bit more about the vagus nerve. So, vagus nerve starts in the regulatory center of the brain and it’s essentially connected to the muscles of the face, the throat, the ears, etc. It’s connected to our facial expressions and the emotional correlations that they make. So, interesting fact, people who aren’t able to smile for physical reasons, even temporarily like paralysis or too much Botox, whatever it may be, are actually more at risk for depression. And there seems to be a two-way correlation here. So, not triggering these movements actually makes it harder to be happy and to empathize and connect with others. Interestingly, the data also shows that people who can smile and laugh, even if they are upset, it can help pull them out of that.

So, it’s really interesting the research that we’re seeing on that right now. The vagus nerve also sends signals to the heart and the lungs, which is connected to things obviously like heart rate, heart rate variability, respiratory rate, and deep breathing. So, when this response is working properly, we feel calm and relaxed, we feel centered, etc. When it isn’t, we can feel disconnected or on alert, which is great. That’s why it’s there. The vagus nerve is there to kind of take in sensory information. And if there is a threat, make sure that we are properly alerted to that threat.

So, when we’re threatened, this leads to changes in heart rate, breathing, voice, things that would signal other people to help us. And it helps us prepare for fight or flight if we need to do that. If the threat continues, something called the dorsal vagal complex is stimulated and that even affects things like digestion, hormones, reduces metabolism, leads to shallow breathing and impairs sleep because when you’re fighting for your life, you don’t need to sleep or digest or meditate. So, the body shuts those things down to keep you safe. But understanding this, the vagus nerve offers insight into why these physical bottom-up approaches might work better for healing for a couple of reasons. And this was kind of paradigm-shifting for me to realize because I, even though I think I like logically knew better, I kind of viewed the body and the mind as disconnected or at least like mind as something I could more easily control and I didn’t realize that the body, like the physical types of therapy could actually affect the mind in a two-way stream.

So, as an example, traditional talk therapy just addresses what a person has conscious access to and is willing to work through. So, just talking about the problem might not always be enough to fix it. And some researchers think that talking without using another modality to change the trauma expression could actually make things worse. There’s a really sad study on dogs that illustrate this. Basically, researchers shocked dogs who were locked in cages and they could not escape. And they called this inescapable shock, which sounds absolutely horrible. And the result was something called learned helplessness in the dogs, which this means that when the cages were opened, the dogs didn’t even try to get out.

In fact, that fear have rendered them so helpless and they were so afraid of the unknown, they wouldn’t even lead the leave the cage. The only way to undo the damage was to physically drag the dogs out of the cages repeatedly until they saw that there was a pattern of how they could get out. And in “The Body Keeps The Score,” van der Kolk explorers how this also applies to humans. The correlation here is that humans who went through a similar type of inescapable trauma like rape or assault or war, they learned similar states of helplessness because often in those experiences, as was my experience one of the most difficult parts is that helplessness and not being able to get away or to fight or to flee and all those things that we’re so wired to do.

And they often got stuck here and had trouble being able to work through it. So, his theory was that one way to get through this was using physical action that counteracted the helplessness. So, these types of interactions basically interrupted that fight or flight cycle that we get stuck in when we have that helplessness and the stress hormones and they let us start working through trauma. So, in other words, not being able to protect oneself during trauma, whether it be acute or chronic, led to this helplessness and restoring a physical way to engage and connect the body or to flee or defend oneself can help counteract it. So, on a personal level, I found in several of these therapies that I had the physical reactions that I had likely shut down during the acute trauma.

For instance, at some points, I had the desire to yell and fight or at different times to run away or hide. And to my surprise, this is why the somatic and physical therapies seemed to work much more effectively than talk therapy ever had for me. Because since I had shut down those emotions, in talk therapy, I could easily like dance around them and not have to go too deep and not actually work through them. And because of that, I thought I could just wire my body and get it to do what I wanted or make a system to fix it like I could do in every other aspect of my life. And it turns out as I found that you can’t hate yourself, then you can’t force yourself happy or healthy. I had to learn how to be in my body again and to feel safe there and to send that signal to my mind so that it would let go of that protective mechanism.

And ironically, once I did that, the body stuff started shifting immediately without any other dramatic changes. So, I found that some unexpected situations had a big impact. In hindsight, I don’t think these exact same things would work for everyone and I don’t think that you it even necessarily would have worked for me in the past until I was ready to face them. It was very much kind of a when the student is willing, the teacher will appear scenario and so I think there are probably a lot of other things even that would’ve worked as well. It was just also that I was willing, but I’m sharing the ones that did help me in case they might be helpful to you as well.

So, for me, the cascade of events that led to this included some bizarre and unusual things starting with a trip to Finland. And I talked about this on the podcast before, but I had the chance to visit Lapland in Northern Finland with Four Sigmatic last year. And this is in the Arctic circle. It was incredibly cold and it was an amazing trip. In hindsight, it had a very lasting and profound impact, but not in the ways I expected. So, as an example, I knew that we would be doing a sauna and cold plunge while we were there. I was nervous for the cold because I hated cold water at that point. But also nervous because, and it sounds silly now, but I dreaded the idea of wearing a swimsuit in public, especially when there were cameras around because of all my body image issues, that was actually one of my biggest fears at that point. And on that trip, I conquered the cold and the fear of wearing a swimsuit. And I also started to value my body for what it could do instead of what it wasn’t. So, ironically at that point, despite the fact that my body had grown six healthy babies, I was always focused on its deficiencies and its stretchmarks and what it did or didn’t look like.

And Finland was the first step in starting a shift towards appreciating what it could do, which was lasting in cold water as long as the toughest guys on the trip or hike through waist-deep snow or handle extreme cold for a week or sled downhills. Even though I was terrified, I didn’t know it at the time, but that shift started a much longer year-long process for me that I’m still in. And so, just kind of facing that and the littlest shift into valuing my body for what it could do instead of just focusing on its physical deficiencies started, I think to crack the walls a little bit.

And the next step for me involved tapping, which is a physical modality that stimulates the vagus nerve like I mentioned and make use of acupressure points. And I had tried this in several ways. I’ll link to the ones that I’ve used personally. There’s a lot of options out there. I used “The Tapping Solution,” which there’s an app and a book and that was from a previous podcast guest, Nick Ortner. If you guys want to listen to his interview, it’s phenomenal. And the app walks you through tapping for different scenarios and goals and I love that it’s easy to use and can go anywhere with me and I still use that pretty regularly. I also worked with a tapping expert in another previous podcast guest, Brittany Watkins. You can listen to her episode as well, but directly to see if there were any underlying issues with emotional eating or related to the trauma that I needed to address. And I also worked with a psychologist who specializes in trauma as I started bringing things up through tapping and through all the other work I was doing.

Another shift happened for me in an unexpected way when I tried the mixture of Acroyoga and Rolfing. And it sounds bizarre and I would never have guessed that this could have had an impact, but it absolutely did. In fact, I didn’t go into it with the idea at all that it was going to cause a shift. If you aren’t familiar, Rolfing is a deeper soft tissue work that is designed to improve posture and body positioning. It can affect fascia and soft tissue, which is probably what made it effective for me because as he talks about in “The Body Keeps The Score,” trauma can actually store in memory physically in the body, in places like fascia. And so, things like Rolfing can help release it and combined with Acroyoga for me this meant that I was, in that situation involved, trust involved not being on the ground because you’re held in the air by another person while this happens.

And so, I wasn’t in control, I wasn’t on the ground. Then I also brought up a lot of like body image issues because I was being held up by another person and I was worried about my weight and was worried that I was too heavy and that I was going to hurt this person. And so, I realized as soon as we started that I had some trust issues that I had obviously not dealt with and that I did not at all like the feeling of not being in control and not on the ground. And this practitioner used Rolfing as I was balancing in the air and then as I was doing certain movements and during the process, I felt physical shifts as he worked on areas of fascia and muscle groups, especially my shoulders and even just moving to my hips because through having a C-section, and I think probably all those years of carrying babies there were just a lot pent up there.

It was a strangely mental and emotional experience, too. As memories of some of these past things came up and I felt like I was experiencing them again in real-time and processing them. And so, afterward, once I was finally on the ground, it was a bizarre thing. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen an animal show, for instance, on TV where an animal narrowly escaped death and then the animal goes through an involuntary kind of like shaking episode where all that adrenaline and all those emotions release and they just kind of shake to get it out. And that happened to me after this treatment. In fact, I shook uncontrollably for two hours and I couldn’t stop it. And I think, in hindsight, what was happening was that I had shut down in the actual time when I should have processed the trauma. And so, in reliving it a little bit, that all came out and I finally was able to like process the emotions and the adrenaline and all of the things that went along with that experience. And so, this was essentially like a somatic therapy that helps me, I think in that moment, reconnect with my body and process that trauma.

So, this guy was on my podcast before and he had a quote to never waste a trigger, speaking to the idea that when something brings up a strong emotion or makes us angry or upset, it’s a chance to look internally and figure out why. And so, like starting to see in that moment that mind and body connection was stronger than I thought I had realized before. I started paying attention to that idea of not wasting a trigger and realizing there were quite a few things that were triggers for me and that kind of led to a spotlight and an insight into where these triggers maybe came from and how I could then start to process them.

So, that was kind of my internal work that was very quiet and calm for quite a few months. And I would notice like anger come up from something or fear or insecurity and I could then start to look at, like I said, fighting that emotion, thank it for being there and see what it could teach me and that sort of really providing insight into those walls that I had built and into the things I was doing to protect myself that were actually not serving me at all. And so, I started to work through those things internally and with therapists. A few months later, I met a woman named Erin and she will be on the podcast as well. I attended one of her sessions at this conference and I’ll link to her website in the show notes as well. But her session at this conference was called dealing with entrepreneurial head trash. I did not expect it to be anything that was going to help with anything I was processing. I thought it would be about productivity or organization or dealing with procrastination. What ensued was a 90-minute mental exercise that I did not expect and that I was not prepared for. So, she and the other presenter, Rhonda Britten, who has several great books on this that I will link to in the show notes. They started talking through the idea of filters and the subconscious. And as they started talking, pieces just kind of started clicking into place in a wonderful and terrifying way.

So, they explained that only a small part of our brain is managed by our conscious thoughts and that much of what motivates our actions is actually controlled by the subconscious. This is the reason that talk therapy isn’t always very effective as we can only work through the things we can consciously access and such a small percentage of what we can access within our conscious thought. So, long-term, we have to figure out how to deal with the subconscious and to work through these things, which is tough because a lot of this is formed by early childhood experiences. We may not necessarily have words or frameworks for this and it can be tough to activate the subconscious because we, of course, can’t consciously control it. And what really resonated with me in that session was the idea of filters and it was truly paradigm-shifting for me when this clicked into place. So, I had always assumed that since I had some difficult stuff to work through, that it would be a long and complicated process and that had been my experience to this point. They explained a lot of how we perceive and interact is controlled by our filters. So, as an example, if person has a filter that he or she is not lovable or that people don’t like him or her, that that person will see examples of that everywhere.

So, for instance, if it was me and that was my belief that no one liked me or that everyone was out to get me, I would read into people’s facial expressions. Or if someone walked by without smiling, I would take that to mean that they didn’t like me. Or if there was a tone of someone’s voice, I might take it to mean that that person didn’t like me, even if it was just meant that they were having a hard day. These filters are often formed by very early childhood experiences.

So, as a personal example, I had an underlying filter that I was not good enough and that I was not lovable. And I had mentioned that a little bit in the beginning, but as a result, I spent a lot of time and energy trying to prove to myself and others that I was good enough and worthy of love. On the one hand, this was an advantage because it made me very motivated and probably borderline neurotic, which was great for our work and for business and productivity. I also always tried to help others as a way, I think, to prove that I was lovable and instead that people would like me. And this led to some great relationships. And I don’t actually think either of those things is objectively bad, but the degree to which I did these things wasn’t healthy. And it led to me, I think at times ignoring some personal needs and becoming rundown and resentful. And it led to some relationships that were not balanced. And so, at this point in the session, I’m trying to figure out how to deal with these filters. Like I said, thinking it must be a long process because they were so deeply ingrained and they were formed some of them before I even had conscious memory.

And Erin and Rhonda explained, they used a really great analogy called the Santa Claus analogy. So again, if you have children listening this is an important topic so I would encourage you to stop listening right now. But what they explained was that as a child who believes in Santa, there’s a filter that Santa Claus is real and this child will through that filter, see proof of it everywhere. So, the child will see that the cookies are gone the next morning or the presents are there or whatever it may be like they write a letter and they can receive a response, whatever is a child believes that’s their filter, that Santa Claus deeply exists. And if you ask them, this is a firmly held belief, they absolutely believe it. And they see proof of it everywhere because they’re looking for proof of it everywhere. And they explained that when a trusted person helps them rewrite the framework and explains, then tells them at that point that Santa Claus does not exist, that it undoes that entire filter. And then that child never defaults to that filter again. They never forget that they don’t believe in Santa. They don’t revert to previous ways of believing.

Once they receive proof that shows them a different light of all of those things they thought they saw that proved it, it takes away that filter, instantly and permanently. So, in other words, once trusted person, like a parent explains that Santa is no longer there, they realize, “Oh, it was mom and dad who ate the cookies.” Or “Oh, the presents came from mom and dad.” Or “Oh, that wasn’t really Santa at the mall.” Or whatever it may be. And so, the filter is completely gone. And so, they said that basically the same thing works for adults. And that when we’re able to identify the core reasons of these filters that we build as children to protect ourselves and see where they might actually have come from, then we no longer are bound by that filter because we have a new narrative for why it exists and we have the ability to then consciously deal with it and choose our response. And so, that’s how I worked through the idea of not being good enough or not being valuable or not being lovable. And it made sense at the time in their session, but I didn’t fully believe it till actually worked with Erin and that filter was and is gone and has not come back. So, that was another kind of pivotal moment for me.

Another theme throughout the past year that was really instrumental in the process was the idea of play. So, another thing that shifted for me is I started changing my perception of my body from what it wasn’t and how it looked to what it could do and appreciating it is that I rediscovered the idea of fun and play. I realized I had gotten to the point of thinking as exercise as a chore or a punishment and I hated it and felt like it wasn’t effective. When I shifted this perception, I found ways to incorporate movement that felt like fun and play, including walks alone or with my kids and my husband, or jumping on a trampoline, learning how to do a handstand, which ironically was extremely scary process for me because I didn’t like being upside down. Even things like now trying pole vaulting with my kids or things like hot and cold therapy, which helped me feel very much in my body or running for fun and not just for exercise. And so, the idea of play was something I started really incorporating. And over time especially, it really made a dramatic impact of how I related to my body. And I think it helped. Like those forms of movement also helped somatically and maybe be able to work through a lot of the things I was going through.

I also had a theme last year of kind of consciously breaking through comfort zone barriers for myself. And, some of these were instrumental to the process and some them were just kind of, I think expressions of having worked through some of these things. So, as example, I think, like I said, I had built these walls as a protective mechanism that had built a lot of other walls around those to keep myself safe. And once I was able to start really addressing the core wall, I was less afraid to address a lot of these other walls as well. So, I mentioned that I started taking voice lessons and learning how to sing. And this was one of my biggest fears in life because I was pretty sure I was not good at singing, which was true when I started for sure. And the idea of singing, especially in front of people was terrifying, especially at the time because of that narrative of not being good enough and the judgment that would come with that and what if I failed at something.

So, to face this, I started taking voice lessons and I think there’s also a correlation here, like I mentioned, singing being really good for the vagus nerve and for stimulating the vagus nerve, it was something I had never really done. I think also singing can be very beneficial in speaking, and there’s a metaphor here for me of throughout the last year, finding my voice. So, my whole life people had always told me like, you’re so quiet, you can talk, like talk louder, don’t be so quiet. And I think a lot of it actually went back to some of those traumas and like holding myself back or censoring myself. And so, in singing and then it kind of translated into speaking, I feel like I found my voice last year. And so, I actually ended the year by doing karaoke in New Orleans in front of people, which was I thought the scariest thing I could ever do. And like form of immersion therapy, I faced it. And ironically now, so many things that I used to think were scary don’t scare me at all because I faced the one that I thought was the scariest.

Another example of this is stand-up comedy. So, this one sounds simple and funny and kind of bizarre maybe, but I never thought of myself as funny. And I don’t even think I knew how to be funny or it wasn’t something that was even on my radar, but as I sort of breaking my comfort zone and trying to find things that I was scared of, this was one that came up. And so, I started taking a class in the stand-up comedy and at some point this year I’ll actually be performing stand-up comedy onstage in a relatively popular place for stand-up comedy, which is another way I think of finding my voice and learning to break through comfort zone.

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Music has also been a thing for me in the last year. So, I mentioned voice lessons, I’ve also been trying to learn guitar and there’s an emotional component here that I’m still learning and I see glimpses of it and I now start to really understand why people love music so much and how it can touch like inner parts of us that just speaking can’t. But, there was this interesting correlation with anything musical, whether it was singing or guitar or anything. When I first started, I was relating to music very much the way I related to life where everything was very calculated and systematized and I wanted a process for everything and I didn’t even understand the concept of just kind of feeling the music and learning to feel the music. And so, slowly, I have started to be able to like feel the notes and to feel the music and to actually let the emotion come out through it. And I think that’s been an interesting part of the therapy that I wouldn’t have necessarily expected but that’s been kind of really deep and metaphorical. I’ve also started just getting back to things like painting. So, I loved art when I was younger and I would do all different kinds of painting and drawing. And I’ve been getting back to that just, not that it breaks my comfort zone, but just as a place, like a release and a place that I can go and have quiet as I’m working through stuff. And I’ve been doing that with my kids, which has been also a really fun way to connect with them.

And then lastly, when it comes to the comfort zone breaking, I’ve started letting myself be visible in photos. And this is something that I did not do for pretty much all of my adult life. And sadly even with my kids very much. I have lots of pictures of my kids. I don’t have very many pictures of me with my kids because I was so insecure with my body that it was hard to look at those photos. And in hindsight, I really wish I had taken more photos because that was part of the journey. And I now can look back at the person who would have been in those photos with so much more empathy and love and respect. And thanks for, like I said, for my mind, protecting me in that time and for all the lessons that came with that. But I can’t go and undo the past, so instead I’m trying to make an effort to be present in photos to make sure there are pictures of me with my kids at their different ages and family pictures and even on the blog pictures just because I think that was something I was so afraid of for so long and it’s a way that we can connect as humans. And so trying to face that fear as well.

There’s also obviously like the physical side of this, which is not by any means the big part of the transformation, but there was an aspect of this, I want to speak to it as well. As I said, I didn’t make any major dietary or changes in exercise intentionally. That wasn’t my focus. In fact, if anything, I shifted from an attitude of depriving my body by dieting and punishing it with exercise to loving myself and wanting to nourish my body with good food and enjoy it through fun movement. And this led to some practical changes, but they weren’t the focus. They were the by-product. At this point, physically I’ve settled into a comfortable plan that nourishes my body. I’m still losing weight and I’m building muscle. And I would say I’m much more in tune and intuitive with what my body wants and needs. So, there’s not really a typical normal day in this aspect, but there are some things I commonly do and I’ve also found through like that reassociation with my body that there’s not really a form of dieting. It’s definitely focused on nourishment but when my body is fuller doesn’t need any more food, I now I’m like no longer able to keep eating. So, when my body reaches whatever level of nourishment and food that it needs, I just physically don’t even want to put any more food in my mouth no matter how good I think it is. And so I’m trying to be very in tune and intuitive with my body and listen to it as we kind of learn this process together.

But some things I commonly do are I often intermittent fast till lunch. And I don’t think this again is right for everyone. This has worked well for me and I feel better when I do this. It helps me actually just feel much more productive in the morning. Lunch is my biggest meal and I’ll usually eat light at night, but I’ll get my most protein and most calories in general at lunch. This just seems to be really good for me for focus and also because then I’m not eating a lot at night for digestion and I’ve noticed improvement in my sleep. Like I said, I don’t think intermittent fasting is great for everyone and for people with acute hormone issues I think it can be problematic and I made sure to watch my hormones and that they’re all fine. My hormone levels are fine by doing this, but again, not recommending it for everyone.

There is a lot of data on this from researchers like Dr. Satchin Panda, about time-restricted eating and how even just shortening the window in which we eat…shortening the window that we eat even by a little bit can make a big difference. So, they’ve done studies on even, for instance, cancer patients and other people who ate in even a 14 or a 12-hour window, which doesn’t sound as scary when you think of it like that instead of eating 16 or 18 hours a day and how that led to changes, not just in weight but in other markers of health as well. So, I look at it that we all fast while we’re sleeping because no one, at least that I know of, has figured out how to eat while we’re asleep. So, most of us are already fasting for at least eight hours a day. So, I experimented with extending that window and I probably eat within a six to eight-hour window. Most days, I will consume non-caloric things if I’m just intermittent fasting in the morning. So, like herbal teas or sometimes coffee or like herbal teas at night, but things that don’t have calories whereas, if I’m water fasting, which I’ve written about, I don’t consume those things at all.

Another thing that is a very common aspect of my life is getting morning sunshine with people that I love. So, often my husband and I will sit on the front porch and drink tea or coffee in the sunlight. And this is advice I got from one of my first doctors that was instrumental in my healing from Hashimoto’s, Dr. Alan Christianson. And he explains how getting outside, even if it’s a cloudy day as soon as possible after waking up, is really vital signaling mechanism for circadian rhythm. So, it leads to big changes in melatonin production at night, in stress hormone levels and all kinds of things. And it’s an easy free thing that we can all do. And I like to kind of stack beneficial things. So, I do that with my husband so there’s time for connection or with a child. Sometimes when my kids will go for a walk during that we’ll all a beverage that I like that has some kind of nutrients in it but without the calories. And that’s just a time to center and connect and also to get those hormonal benefits.

I also have shifted to focusing on nutrient density versus calories and actually having to actively track nutrients to make sure I’m getting enough because I’m not as hungry now. Like I said, and I eat on a shorter window, so I have to make sure that all the foods that I eat are very nutrient-dense and consume a lot of them. So, I aim for high-quality proteins and I’m usually based on getting about 6 grams per pound of body weight daily. Mostly, for me, from seafood or broth or other types of meat. So, this is things like, I eat a lot of sardines, tons of greens, both cooked and raw, lots and lots of cooked and fermented vegetables and lots of broth, which has beneficial amino acids like proline and glycine that balance out the other amino acids that are found more in meats.

Every day, I also consume things like broccoli sprouts, which I grow in the kitchen. There’s tutorials on the blog if you want to figure out how to grow those. Those are a source of sulforaphane which supports the body in a lot of ways and also just a great source of nutrients. And sometimes I’ll make really nutrient-dense smoothies with like wild-caught blueberries and cacao and maca and added protein and all kinds of stuff or make protein shakes with added nutrients on days where I’m having trouble reaching my protein levels. Again, I think it’s extremely personal, both diet and supplements. But there are some supplements that I take regularly, although I don’t take any supplements every day.

The ones that I take most often are probiotics. I take one from Just Thrive, I’ll link to it in the show notes. There’s so much evidence about the gut-brain connection and how focusing on our gut health can help our mental health. And I’ve noticed this as my gut health has really improved over the last two years, I noticed the more calm and more happy mental state as a result. I also take vitamin K2-7 also from Just Thrive, which is anti-inflammatory and one that I think has a lot of benefits. I take specific B vitamins, so riboflavin was big for me during this year just because that’s something that’s in higher demand during weight loss and maybe protein, all kinds of things. So, I realized from experimentation that I needed a lot more riboflavin than I was getting. And also thiamine and pantothenic acid.

I also added a lot of extra vitamin C, magnesium and vitamin D, which I was testing for to make sure I kept my levels good. Because all of those things can be needed more during weight loss. I also drink, like I said, herbal teas daily. I’ll use all kinds of different kinds. And then some other supplements I’ve been experimenting with are things like resveratrol. I mentioned vitamin D, choline instatol, I think is what it’s called, and phosphatidylcholine, which both have made a huge difference in my mental state and focus. And then I think I was not getting enough because I can’t eat eggs. That’s one of the few foods that I still react to. So, I was trying to find an alternative source of choline. I mentioned riboflavin and B1 as well.

And then other things I just do regularly as part of this process for me, I make sure that I incorporate play and movement regularly. This might be something as simple as going for a walk or trying to slackline with my kids or I have been playing tag and capture the flag with the neighborhood kids lately. Just things that remind me to be in my body and that are fun. We also in our area, also sauna and cold tub often with friends. And this is something that I’ve learned from Finland as well. Saunas are such an important part of their culture, but also very important to their community and to their connection. And so, I love being able to do this with friends or my husband or ideally with like a group of us because I think it’s also a chance for connection and community as well as all the benefits of sauna, which I talked about at length in previous podcasts and have written about. But I think the community aspect really just amplifies it.

And then I’ve also tried to really prioritize time not working and spending time with family and close friends and to do that almost every day. And statistically, those types of relationships and building strong community like that is one of the most important things that we can actually do for our health. It’s more important than exercise or not smoking. And it was something I wasn’t doing well and as I’ve taken baby steps of learning vulnerability and learning to be more deeply connected in relationships, that’s been a really important part for me.

In conclusion, I think I’m very much still on the journey and I think that for all of us, especially the inner work, it’s always a process and I don’t think we ever fully arrive. I think we’re constantly on the journey, but this past year has been transformational and extremely paradigm-shifting for me. And even though this is still like the aspects of this are difficult to talk about, I hope that my experience and sharing this can somehow be helpful to you if you face any of these same things.

What sticks out to me most I think in this journey is that I fought my weight and I hated myself for my inability to resolve it for years, literally for my entire adult life. And I had that script in the filter that if only or when I lost weight or looked a certain way that I would be happy and accept myself. I think we all have some version or several versions of the “if only” script. And the irony was that when I decided to work on loving and accepting myself and being happy with where I was even, and especially for my flaws, the thing I’d wanted so badly to happen happened without any of the fight at all. So, in other words, instead of if when this happens I will be happy, I was finally able to decide and choose that I will be happy now and I will love my body now where it is and I will love my children where they are and I will love my husband where he is and I will love my life and the lessons and all of these things and we’ll choose happiness. And when I did that I could start letting go the fight and letting go of the walls and that led to stuff that I could never have anticipated.

I found a quote recently that really resonated with me, it was by, I think her name is Nayyirah Waheed and the quote is, “And I said to my body, softly, “I want to be your friend.” It took a long breath and replied, “I’ve been waiting my whole life with this.” And that was my lesson of the last year, was taking that first step with my body and connecting again, my body and my mind and my emotions and realizing how much more whole and connected we can be when we do that. I’m not saying that self-love is a panacea and that it fixes physical problems, not by a long stretch, but I can say with certainty now that at least for me, the mental and emotional stuff was a huge part of my journey that I ignored for a long time. And that I don’t think I could’ve worked through the physical stuff without addressing those.

So, I will leave in the show notes, wellnessmama.fm, a comprehensive list of all the stuff I’ve mentioned, the books that have helped, other resources, you can find all of those there. But I’ll mention a few again, just that it really helped in case you are just listening and you want to hear. So, I read a lot of Brene Brown over the last year. I love all of her books, especially “Braving the Wilderness” and “Daring Greatly.” Of course, “The Body Keeps The Score” was pivotal for me. There’s several great books by Rhonda Britten. I’ll make sure all of those are linked in the show notes. Other resources I’ll link too is Erin, the woman I mentioned who did a session at that thing. Aaron Alexander who runs the line podcast, who did Rolfing with me, “The Tapping Solution” book and the app. The idea of never wasting a trigger and then also just some practical things that have helped me track and make sure I was staying healthy during this process.

I used an app called the DietBet app, which is funny, just as a motivator. It was not something that I thought would actually make much of a difference at all. But the idea being that you can bet like $35 or some small amount that you will lose whatever amount of weight, a small amount of weight by the end of a certain period of time. And for me, that just was like a reminder and a motivator. As I was going through that process and I realized it was, I think a lot of us as humans we have more of a fear of losing than we do have a desire to win. And so, that app was helpful to me.

I also use an app called Zero, Z-E-R-O which is a fasting app. And so, that let me track my intermittent fasting every day and just see what window I was eating in. I was using a Renpho Scale, which I’ll link in the show notes and it has an app connected to it. And that was really motivating and just to be able to see my progress, not just in weight loss but in things like protein levels in the body and muscles, like skeletal function and muscle mass and things that I was trying to improve as well. And to make sure I was getting enough nutrients, I used MyFitnessPal to track the foods that I was eating and just make sure I was actually getting enough calories. So, an interesting part of this for me is that I’m actually eating probably more than I was in the past, which was also helpful in healing my metabolism and making sure my body was getting enough nutrients but I’m very conscious of getting enough protein especially and enough nutrients from things like green veggies.

I’ve been using something called the Heads Up Health dashboard that lets you keep track of labs and a whole lot of other metrics in one place. And I did this regularly with labs to make sure I wasn’t messing up my hormones and this let me see, easily graphed out kind of examples of every metric so that I could see where I was improving. And then I used the Oura ring and the Biostrap. I’ve used both. I’ve used them individually and both at different times, but those track things like sleep and movement and heart rate variability and other factors. I used the Real Plan app all the time for meal planning and again, to make sure I get enough nutrients.

And so, in hindsight, I would say the things, the lessons of this past year that I’m keeping and sticking with are focusing on things like community, learning how to be vulnerable more and more, learning to play and be happy with my body and never wasting a trigger. And as I said, I’m very much still on this journey and I was hesitant a little bit even to share what I’ve shared today because I don’t think that I’m in any means at all an expert in any of this. I just wanted to share my personal experience in hopes that maybe that story could be helpful to someone else who’s working through some of these same things or afraid to start that process or to take the first steps.

I’m not trying to give any medical advice and certainly not any kind of mental health advice, just sharing my own inner journey and I would love to hear yours, especially like I said, I wanted this to be a way to start the conversation. And if this is a conversation that resonates with you or sadly that you’ve ever faced in any similar way, I would love for you to be part of the conversation because I think that there is tremendous healing in community and in relationships and in loving each other. And I hope that I can maybe be a small part of a domino in a cascade of events for someone else. And either way, I’m very grateful to you for listening and for being here as part of my journey and I would love to hear more about yours.

So, please join me in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm and say hi or if this resonates with you or reach out to me on Instagram, I’m wellnessmama on Instagram. Message me if you’d rather not share publicly and just tell me about your journey because I think there’s power in the story and there’s power in acknowledgment and I hope that I can start to be a forum for that. And as always, thank you, thank you, thank you, for being here and for sharing what is truly one of our most valuable gifts, our time, with me today. I’m so glad that you did. I am so grateful that you’re part of this community. I’m just so grateful for your time today and I hope as always that you will join me again on the next episode of “The Wellness Mama Podcast.”

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/podcast/wellness-mama-weight/

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