#anyway am also STRESSED and TIRED once again bc back pain | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

astralhugs · 4 years

Note

Hi! May i request the RFA + Saeran reacting to an MC that is too stressed bc of school/work so she starts crying? ♡

I’ve added bonuses bcs yall seemed to enjoy it and its also an apology for taking too long TT enjoy~~

masterlist

requests : open

YOOSUNG

* omgomg he understands

* HE RELATED TO YOU SO MUCH

* You’d both usually study together, take breakd together.

* It wasn’t too bad.

* Well...until final exams were coming up and Yoosung’s finished sooner before yours even started

* So you didn’t wanna bother him anymore.

* Third day of studying accounting and you passed out on the desk 🤩

* Yoosung was awake in the middle of the night, getting water when he saw you weren’t in bed.

* He checked on the desk to see you, asleep on the desk with some notes and reviews scattered around.

* He also saw some dried up tears probably from a few hours ago due to stress.

* He gently picks you up, checking the clock.

* 1.37 AM.

* The next morning, he woke up extra early to give you breakfast in bed.

* When you were about to leave, he would kiss you for good luck.

* Will help you when you have some problems during studying!

* Would even stop playing LOLOL just to help you study!!

Bonus (since most of yall loved these~) :

MC! Wahh! I can’t believe you made it this far! You did your best this school year, I believe in you okay? I can’t help you study all the time but I’m always cheering on for you~ All the best!! ♡

ZEN

* he was a good student up until middle school

* so whenever you needed help with a problem uhh he feels bad but he can’t solve it either.

* Unless its like language or a reading comprehension then he’s good at those!!

* A few days before your presentation, about some character analysis that you were still reviewing and ZEN had just gotten a new role.

* Did I mention its a major character role?

* You didn’t want to distract him so...you decided to try studying on your own.

* It was until you got too stressed out about it and started crying.

* You weren’t able to memorize it and had to look at the slides all the time.

* Zen finished his practice when he came back to see you with teary eyes, in a dark room, your laptop with full brightness.

* Zen immediately turned on the lights, worried your eyes would get hurt.

* He saw your eyes were still puffy and immediately held you in his arms.

* “Babe, you could’ve asked me...I would’ve made time for you.” he softly whispered.

* He lets you cool down for a while and asks you with a soft voice to show him your presentation.

* He started to read through it and realized what was wrong with it.

* He started to explain, little by little. Not wanting to stress you out again

* Rewards you with little kisses, be it on the lips or on the neck idk

* Its relaxing studying with him.

BONUS : Babe! <3 why are you stressed out? TT Oh! You’re studying? Take it easy~ I know exams can be important, especially during this time but please make sure to take care of yourself! Drink water and eat, okay? Love youuu mwah mwah mwah

JAEHEE

*empty i’ll write hers soon once i know what to write for her*

BONUS : Oh dear...are you still up studying? MC, I’m working late tonight so I can’t help you but I hope you’ve eaten and have been taking care of yourself well! Please know I’ll support you even from the C&R Building to my place and always will!

JUMIN

* He’s smart.

* Like high IQ smart

* Its canon

* Anyways, he saw that you were struggling with your business classes.

* One day, you were finishing up your graphs when Elizabeth got on top of it and scratched it.

* Tearing the paper apart.

* You widened your eyes, you were too tired to scold Elizabeth so you just sat there and shut down for a while until Jumin came home.

* He saw Elizabeth in the front door looking bad and poiting her paws at you.

* Jumin saw you, sitting down, staring at a torn paper and immediately saw what happened.

* He placed Elizabeth on the couch and went up to you and hugged you from behind.

* From there, you started crying.

* “I-i worked so hard on it, I’m not blaming Elizabeth but-“

* “My love, don’t worry. I’ll help you, okay?” he said in his calming voice.

* Starts from scratch with him again.

* It was easy for him because 1. he’s the ceo in line 2. he has a high IQ 3. hes a business man? tf?

* Very relaxing to study with him, though its not often, he’d try to make time to teach you<3

* Won’t yell at you if you get it wrong.

* Rewards you like kisses and ruffling your hair everytime you get an answer correct.

BONUS :

Its you. I’ll be running late tonight, Assistant Kang needed a few more files finalized before showing them to my meeting tomorrow so I won’t be able to come home early tonight. If you’re studying, please be sure to drink and eat somethinf healthy. I’ve asked Mrs. Kim, our maid to watch Elizabeth to watch her to make sure your work won’t be destroyed so I hope that helped. I’ll see you soon, my love. Wait for me.

707

* ANOTHER SMARTY

* Idk if it was mentioned but I remembered reading somewhere he had a high IQ

* WELL

* Your compsci class was teaching you how to code with C++

* You struggled with ‘HELLO WORLD!’

* Well...Saeyoung and Saeran just reunited so...you obviously didn’t want to bother both of them.

* Saeyoung was peeking around to check if you were eating when he saw your laptop, opened with C++ on it.

* “MC! Where did you learn how to hack?” he asks cheerfully.

* You turned around, tears in your eyes, “Why can’t I do it?”

* Saeyoung was shocked, he saw the piles of papers and the textbook.

* He smiled, while holding your hand tightly, grabbing a chair and sitting down next to you.

* He scanned through your code and immediately saw the error.

* He fixed it for you and taught you the basics.

* Dropped some easy hacking materials for you to impress your peers.

* Would definitely have a study session together! All three (four if Vandy wants to join) once every two weeks.

* Saeran would read the textbooks his brother would give to him and try explaining it to you while Saeyoung does the computer stuff.

* Studying with the choi twins? I’d like that.

BONUS :

DUNNNNNNN! Is my precious MC sad??? :((((, O-oh no, I didn’t mean to make you more sad! Ahh I’m not making this easier for you huh? MC, I hate seeing you sad...even if its just from a screen. Studying may be a bit hard. I was there. But I will always support and love you. Even if we are from different universes so take care, okay? :>

SAERAN

* OOO BIOLOGYYY

* You were learning about flower languages and you knew Saeran was good at it...while you weren’t.

* So you decide to ask him for help.

* Well...that day, he was in a bad mood but wanted to calm down so he thought teaching and reviewing with you would calm him down a bit.

* Well it for sure didn’t buddy.

* You showed him the book and he scanned through them.

* “How do you not get this? Are you dumb? An airhead?”

* Ever since he stopped drinking the elixir, he never really said those words to you so...it was kinda painful for you to hear that.

* He saw the tears in your eyes and regretted what he said.

* He snapped out of it and immediately held you tight in his embrace, “I’m sorry I’m sorry....” he mumbled, stroking your back gently.

* Tries not to get mad when you get it wrong.

* Would secretly put candy under your book everytime you get a question correct.

* “Princess, is that a candy you placed under your book?” he secretly placed it there.

BONUS :

Ah. Don’t ever think of yourself as an airhead when you��re studying! You’ll feel better when you don’t do that! Whenever I scold you...scold me back! Don’t just accept it and cry- hhh, please take good care of yourself even when you’re studying. I um...I love you okaythisisembarassingbyeee

OMGMGMFKFKF IM SORRY I ANSWERED TO THIS SO LATEEEE I JUST FINISHED SCHOOL LIKE TWO WEEKS AGO AND FOUND INSPO TODAY TT SO SORRY

requests : open~

have a great week guys <3

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zevlors-tail · 4 years

Text

Lonely With You

Pairing: ProHero!Izuku x GN ProHero!Reader

Warnings: Self doubt, self deprecating thoughts/words, cursing, reader is very angry in the beginning and throws something if that’s a trigger for anyone (doesn’t throw it directly at anything or anything in particular), lots of crying on reader’s part, song fic, tooth rotting fluff at the end. <3

A/N: Song fic! Sports by Beach Bunny. I said I couldn’t write shit but here we are. I just one shotted this thing in the span of like 3 hours and in 3 more hours, I have to go into work with no sleep. :’) But really it’s fine bc I had motivation and I DID THE THING. I wrote something I kind of liked! I am obsessed with this song right now, so suffer with me I guess.

The second you stormed into the house and slammed the door shut behind you, Izuku could tell something was off. Sure, you had your bad days, but somehow this was different.

“Hi, love! How was your da-” Before he could even finish, you cut him off with an angry look and a short response.

“Fucking awful. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Izuku knew better than to take your short response personally, though he would be lying if he said it didn’t irk him in the slightest. However, you didn’t curse often, and using the “F” word usually meant you were at your wits end with whatever situation you were dealing with. He watched you as you strode past the kitchen with blind rage and threw down your headpiece to your hero costume. A piece of it actually busted off from how hard you had chucked it across the room, nearly missing his eye as it flew past him and making him visibly flinch.

Upon seeing his reaction, you immediately stopped in your tracks and snapped out of your fit of anger, concern for your partner taking over you instead. “Shit-! Izu, I’m so sorry, are you alright!?” Tears welled in your eyes as you panicked and checked his face over for any collateral damage, and when you could find none, you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“I’m fine, Y/N. Are...you okay? I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it, but you look really...upset.” He struggled to find the right words for a moment. You looked upset, sure, but it was more than that. There was a foreign look in your eyes he hadn’t seen before, something heavy and dark lurking behind your usually bright orbs. His heart couldn’t help but ache for the look you gave him.

If you feel lonely, I could be lonely with you. Tell me baby, why do you seem so blue?

You broke down in tears within seconds, cries of frustration and anguish clawing their way up from your ribcage to your throat. Today had drained you for all your worth and made you feel utterly exhausted. But if you were being honest, this had been going on much longer than just a day. It just so happened that today’s events had been the last straw for you and left you feeling defeated. Months of self doubt and anxieties were finally catching up to you, and now you were paying the price.

Izuku wrapped his arms around you tightly and held your head to his chest as you hiccuped. “Shhh, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” He nuzzled his face into your hair before pressing a sweet kiss to your crown, his hand sliding to your back to rub comforting circles.

“I’m no good,” you managed between sobs. “I’m a terrible hero, and I should just quit while I’m ahead. I’ll never amount to anything useful. All I do is get in the way and cause problems for others!” You continued to cry while Izuku let you vent, although it took everything he had in him not to interject that all of those things couldn’t be further from the truth.

Why are we so complicated? Maybe love is overrated...

“I’m a failure. I failed my mission and if it wasn’t for Uravity...” You let out a strangled cry as you admitted what was weighing you down so heavily. “They almost died! They almost died, and it would have been all my fault! If I had just pushed myself harder, if I had done more, then- then- then none of this would have happened!”

“Oh, love...no.”

“I should just do everyone a favor and stop being a Pro. My manager did always say I was better as a sidekick, anyway,” you laughed bitterly at the memory, distracted only for a moment before returning to crying, albeit a little quieter. “I’m ready to give up. Everything I do is wrong... I don’t think I’m cut out for this anymore.”

I’m tired of waiting! I was never good at sports; save the games for the girls on the tennis courts.

Izuku sighed softly before cupping your face in his hands and gazing intently at you. “Y/N Y/L/N, you are not a failure. You are the light of my life and the best thing to have ever happened to me. Do you know that?”

You hesitated a minute while you sniffled and rubbed at your eyes. “Are you sure about that? Because I feel like I’m failing at everything... At being a hero, at being a friend, and at being your partner. I’ve been so stressed out lately that I’ve barely been able to pay attention to you. I’m so sorry, Izuku...” Fresh tears pooled at the corners of your eyes as your self doubt ate at you.

Say you need me, but lately you feel unsure.

“You didn’t let me finish.”

“Ah, I’m sorry-”

“Nope! No more apologizing, especially when you didn’t do anything wrong.” A small smile found it’s way to his lips as he spoke, “I’ve watched you grow from a student in the hero course with me into the wonderful person and amazing hero you are now, and I want you to know I’m proud of who you’ve become. You’ve been nothing but nice to Uraraka, Iida, and Todoroki, and you’ve done everything you can to support me and be there for me when I need you to be. You cheered me on and pushed me to do better when I felt like giving in so many times. Without you, I wouldn’t be the hero I am today.”

“That’s really flattering, but I think All Might was mostly responsible for making you the hero you are now.”

Come on to me, come on to me...I need more!

Izuku laughed a little as you smiled at your comment, though the pain remained behind your eyes still and his gaze was just as intense as before. He quickly regained composure and continued. “You’re not giving yourself enough credit, love. I was watching the live feed from home while you were on your mission, and from one hero to another, you did all you could with the hand you were dealt in that situation. You can’t place unnecessary blame on yourself for something that’s not your fault. You weren’t a hinder to them, and you didn’t cause them any further problems. I mean, unless you were the one who set the building on fire, but that’s not likely, right?” His teasing tone was meant to lighten the situation, but it seemed to have no affect against the worry and anxiety radiating from you. “Y/N.”

“Hm?” At some point you realized you had zoned out and starting daydreaming about all the possible ways the situation could have gone wrong. Izuku’s voice pulled you back to reality and away from your twisted reverie.

“I love you. It’s okay to feel upset and angry about today, about yesterday, about last month- and especially about that comment your manager made. Which, by the way, we need a new manager for you now, but that’s not the point. I want you to know that I will always be here to support and love you like you’ve supported and loved me. Your friends love you and support you also, you know. Uraraka was just asking me about you yesterday, actually...said you looked a little blue. Oh, and Todoroki wanted me to pass on a message. Something about an angry pomeranian? Are you two making fun of Kaachan again?” He gave you a pointed look.

“Well...yes and no?” You sheepishly grinned and laughed while he just rolled his eyes.

“Anyways, the point I’m trying to make is that you are worth so much more than you think. Your friends love you, I love you, and your fans also love you. You’re more than just a sidekick. You’re an amazing hero and an even better partner to me, and you are not and will never be a failure at any point in time. You did all you could to save those people, and if you hadn’t stepped in when you did, Uravity might not have been able to get to them after all. If you don’t want to be a hero anymore, then of course I’ll support you no matter what, but that’s not really what you want to do, is it?”

Deep down, you knew Izuku was right. There was no way you could step down from being a hero; you loved helping people almost as much as he did. Being a hero was just as much a part of you as your nose or your eyes or your lips. It was a second nature, something you couldn’t just give up on so easily.

“I want to help people and be a hero. I just...lately, I just don’t feel like I’m good enough.”

You sounded so sad and dejected still, and it absolutely broke his heart. Izuku silently promised himself to do everything in his power to make you believe in yourself again before racking his brain for ideas on how to further cheer you up. When you had bad days, there were certain things he did to comfort you and help you relax, but this seemed to be a bit more serious, and thus, required a more elaborate solution than the normal hot bath and back massage. Maybe...yes, that was perfect! It probably wouldn’t fix the problem long term, but it would be a good start.

“You are good enough, and I will always be here to remind you of that.” He leaned in and gave you a soft kiss. “Come on, let’s go relax in bed. I’ll even give you a ride there if you want.”

Your eyes immediately lit up as he turned around and crouched down so you could climb on to his back. As goofy as he was, you absolutely adored him. “Yes! You’re the best!” You squealed as he lifted you up with ease and locked his arms around the back of your legs to keep you nice and secure while he strode to the bedroom. Once there, he set you down on the bed before putting his plan into motion.

At the foot of your bed, you had a night sky projector that would cast the image of stars and planets onto your ceiling. Izuku had gotten it for you for your last birthday, and you loved it dearly. It made you feel content and relaxed when you were restless. Often times, you used it while you were in the bath or right before bed when you were having a rough night. It was perfect for occasions like this. Choosing the setting with the purple colored lights, Izuku powered it on and the two of you watched as your bedroom lit up all over. It was like you were really in space.

He made his way back to bed where you were currently snuggling into the giant comforter you both shared, a blissful smile on his face at the sight of you. You seemed to be feeling better already; you cuddled up to him as the little spoon as soon as he slid under the covers with you. He made sure to find a comfortable position for the both of you, and with the ambience set, there was only one last thing to do.

“If you feel broken, promise I won’t break your heart. If you shatter, I won’t let you fall apart. Why are we so complicated? Love’s a word I’ve always hated...”

You listened to him sing softly, the words falling from his lips effortlessly as he serenaded you with your favorite melody.

“I’m tired of waiting! I was never good at sports; save the games for the girls on the tennis court. Say you need me, but lately you feel unsure. Come on to me, come on to me, I need more...”

You closed your eyes and slowly drifted away from your worries as he sang. If every night could end like this, then maybe everything would be okay after all.

“It always feel like I need more... Jesus Christ, you’re so confusing! If we keep score, bet my money that I’m losing...”

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“No, I love you more.”

You felt his laugh reverberate through his chest as he snuggled closer.

“Go to bed, Y/N.”

“Mmn...”

“If you feel lonely, I could be lonely with you... Tell me, baby, why do you seem so blue?”

#izuku x reader #izuku midoriya #izuku #midoriya #izuku midoriya x reader #midoriya x reader #bnha #mha #bhna x reader #bnha midoriya #bnha izuku #izuku x reader fluff #izuku x reader angst

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oncefutureemrys · 3 years

Note

17. "Don't Ask" bc I'm an idiot and send afraid twice

Alright I promise I’ll be getting to your hug haha I just realized that it was nearing the end of April and so I needed to finish this last one before the end.

Thank you to the amazing prompts @night-faye created! You can find them right here.

Also Click Here If You Would Like To Read On AO3!

Anyway, here it is:

Merlin finds Arthur sitting on the edge of his bed, his glassy eyes staring at the wall in front of him.

Merlin knows why he’s like this, understands why he seems so distant, so sad. He sees it in the way he bites his lips, in the way his hands clench beside him, the way his shoulders seem stiff from the tension.

He understands the anger, the hopelessness, the utter shame, and unhappiness. He knows because it’s exactly how he feels, the pain still etched in his mind even weeks after the incident.

Merlin sighs, his body drained from the strain he has been put in since the attack. “Sire,” Merlin says, holding a potion in his hand. Arthur flinches from the sudden sound, turning to look at him. Merlin smiles, one that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, before gently handing him the potion Gaius had instructed to give him. For the pain, he had said. He hadn’t bothered to express which kind.

Arthur takes a whiff of it and wrinkles his nose before shrugging and downing the substance. He sets it down and attempts to relax his shoulders, wincing at how stiff they are, before attempting to massage them himself. When it proves difficult, Merlin bats his hands away.

“Let me,” he insists and Arthur seems too tired to resist. Merlin situates himself behind his back before pressing into his shoulders and neck. Merlin’s about halfway through kneading his shoulders when Arthur breaks the silence.

“It’s surprising.”

“What is?” Merlin asks.

“How you’re actually able to do something.”

Merlin rolls his eyes, scoffing. “I’ll have you know I can do many things.”

“Yes, I’ve seen,” Arthur says, grinning smugly. “I know perfectly well you’re incredibly clumsy, bad-mannered, horribly dumb, and most definitely— “

Merlin presses hard on Arthur’s shoulders. He yelps, turning to see Merlin’s playful smile. Huffing, he looks down, not saying anything else.

It was strange how they could always do this, how even after an incredibly difficult experience, they could always pretend as if everything was normal. Merlin suspected it was largely because they had both been through so much. When they were constantly thrust into intense situations, jokes and banter were their one shield they could hide behind, their one way of pretending all was normal when it was anything but.

The painful silence reminds him of the events that happened a few weeks ago, of the suffocating smoke, the sticky blood that stained his clothes – his or someone else’s blood, he wasn’t sure anymore – the area littered with dead bodies of all the innocent people and—

“Merlin, Merlin,” he hears Arthur say, breaking him out of his thoughts. It’s only then that he realizes his nails were digging into Arthur’s skin, breaking into it and leaving small marks on his neck.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin says horrified, taking his hands off of his immediately, swallowing back the panic. “I am so sorry. I—I can’t believe I would—“

“It’s okay,” Arthur says, but Merlin doesn’t hear him, muttering “I’m sorry,” over and over until Arthur has to reach for his arm. “It’s okay, Merlin.” He looks into his eyes at that moment and Merlin swallows, calming himself as he nods slowly.

Arthur continues to look at him, filled with such intensity that Merlin finds it hard to breathe. His heart beats erratically, his mind fixating on every little detail of the moment – the way his hand lingers on his own, the way his eyes look at his with a hint of something more, something Merlin’s too afraid to name, the way his eyes flicker to his lips. He’s so focused, he doesn’t even realize when he’s starting to lean in, the way he’s starting to mimic the same movements.

Finally coming to his senses, he slowly moves back away from him. Arthur blinks his eyes, his cheeks flushing before reluctantly letting go of his hand, the awkward tension nearly smothering him.

Merlin, not knowing how to react, silently moves to sit next to him, making sure to keep enough space between the two of them. He knows what happened, God that isn’t the first time that it’s happened, but he knows more than anything that they can’t. It was foolish to get his hopes up and believe they ever could.

“Are you feeling alright?” Arthur finally asks, not looking at him.

Merlin raises his eyebrows. “Does it look like I am?”

There’s a silence before, “No, I guess not.”

Merlin sighs, biting his lip. “I’m just… mad, I guess. I don’t even know what happened and just… one second they were there… and the next…”

“…they weren’t,” Arthur finishes and Merlin nods solemnly.

“Merlin, I don’t blame you. For any of it. If anything, I blame myself.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Merlin immediately responds. “You were just trying to help.”

“Yes, and so were you,” Arthur says right back. “We just… we weren’t in time, I guess.”

There’s a brief pause when they both seem to be digesting what the other has said, the past few moments still lingering in their minds. Finally, after some processing, Arthur says:

“You confuse me greatly, Merlin.”

Merlin snorts. “Yes, I do that often, it would seem.”

“You do,” he agrees. “In fact, every time something happens, you always seem to surprise me even more.”

“How so?”

Arthur hesitates a moment before starting. “I just… I’m used to you sacrificing yourself for someone else, God knows you have the worst self-preservation skills known to man. What confuses me is… how you can look so fearless.” Arthur takes one shy look at him before turning away once more to look at his hands. “I mean… I’ve spent years and years training, forcing myself to never show fear, and you on the other hand… Whenever we’re in a dangerous situation, all I see is bravery. And I’ve never known where you got it from.”

Merlin certainly never expected this to be what he was confused about. He shrugs. “I don’t know… I suppose I have a similar feeling that you do. Have to keep people safe and all of that.”

Arthur looks even more confused than before. “But you’re not king. None of this is your concern. You don’t have to do any of this. Which is why I’m confused. Because you always act like you are… even when you aren’t.”

Merlin’s not sure how to respond, not sure how to evade the indirect question, and so he doesn’t. He just sits still, indecision freezing him in place.

When Arthur notices this, he pauses a moment quietly asking, “What are you hiding from me?”

Merlin’s head shoots up to look at him, his eyes widened, his heart beating rapidly. Arthur’s face is surprisingly vulnerable, his eyes longing to know, to understand. He wants to lie once again, play dumb, but then he remembers Morgana and Agravaine and Uther. He reminds himself of everyone who has lied to him, he thinks about Agravaine telling him “how you managed to deceive him” and telling him that “perhaps we’re more alike than you think,” and he decides that maybe, just this once, he won’t lie.

But he’s not sure he’s ready to discuss his magic after the stress he’s experienced over the past few weeks, not sure he can stand another scarring memory, another betrayed look, just weeks after a tragedy. And so instead he takes a deep breath and whispers, “Don’t ask. Don’t ask because I can’t… I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?” Arthur looks imploringly at him, almost desperate, and Merlin feels guilty for not responding. But he can’t tell them, he’s not ready, and he doesn’t think that Arthur is. After everything Arthur has been through, he’s not ready for another betrayal so quickly.

Arthur, after a while, reluctantly nods, looking away. “You don’t have to tell me,” is what he starts with and Merlin sits up straight, turning to look at him with confusion. “I don’t know what your secrets are or why you can’t trust me with them – but it’s fine. I can live with that. Just promise me—whenever you feel ready… just tell me. I mean, I trust you enough to not need to worry but... one of these days, I’d just like to know you, Merlin. All of you.”

Merlin’s shocked that he had told him that, he was shocked that Arthur trusted him enough not to ask about his secrets. Merlin’s eyes water at this and he has to cough to keep his emotions inside. All of these years of lying and being terrified of this moment, to have Arthur tell him that he trusts him despite his secrets and his lies… he has the urge to hug him, even though he knows Arthur wouldn’t be happy about that. Merlin finds himself nodding solemnly. “Okay,” he says, hoping his gaze will tell him how much this means to him, just how thankful he is for him, just how much he absolutely loves him at this moment. “I promise.”

Anyway, that was that! Thanks for reading! I appreciate anyone who does!

#merlin/arthur #pre-slash #two bros just having a deep convo at night #not gay at all #there is no gay here #season four spoilers for the show #cause i mention agravaine #so i guess thats kinda a thing?#also some angst #but some hopeful ending on the side there #thank you for reading!

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a-dauntless-daffodil · 5 years

Photo

“Do you know who I am...?”

words not working but, Glimmer is deliberately soft with Adora in a way she really just isn’t with anyone else, and probably wasn’t much in general before and

i think that’s an important part of everything??

including how things when down when Shadow Weaver tried to wipe Adora’s memories, and what happened right afterwards

what Adora gets from Glimmer is support, comfort, hope, security

what Glimmer gets from Adora is- The feeling of finally being on even footing with someone for once. Finding a patient/careful side to herself she maybe never knew she had, a part of herself she can trust completely and be proud of. And the- idk, relief???- of seeing someone dealing with a lot of the same pressures and fears as her, but being able to give help this time instead of just needing it

they’re on even footing because they both know the other isn’t perfect and can be wrong, can make really big mistakes (eps 1&2) no matter how well they meant.

and they’re both rash af compared to Bow. Adora never tells Glimmer to slow down or says hey maybe this isn’t sucha good idea, bc often Adora herself is the one who came up with said Probably Bad Idea in the first place (re: trying to heal someone with an unreliable magic sword that could just vaporize them instead). Glimmer can relax with her, she’s not left feeling like a scewup like she is when Bow, or worse, her mom worries about her

those worries feel like doubt, a vote of no confidence chipping away at Glimmer’s already dangerously low self confidence

none of that is a thing with Adora

with Bow formerly as her only friend, im pretty sure being free of that is something Glimmer’s NEVER had before, someone she’s equal to

part of that is also how much Adora’s stresses and fears mirrors Glimmer’s. A She-Ra who has no idea how to She-Ra and the (in Glimmer’s opinion, which, as Bow has pointed out, is WRONG) weak and disappointing daughter of the immortal queen of the rebellion. The fate of the rebellion rests a lot on their shoulders. They’re both terrified of making mistakes. Neither of them feel good enough but have to try

they’re both also people who have family they never knew / a dad who died, and were left with a parental figure that was either unintentionally undermining their sense of self worth, or was, y’know, literally brainwashing and manipulating them

which means when Adora gets scared or unsure or freaks out, Glimmer can get why, knows what that’s like, and tries to be as steady and reassuring for her as she can

she’s makes an effort to be with Adora like Bow is with her, except Bow (if word of god is true about the Two Dads) doesn’t share the same kinds of parents c*rap Adora and Glimmer have, and isn’t She-Ra or Angellas daughter

whether or not he’s compassionate enough to imagine what they’re going through, just that fact is probably enough to make Glimmer feel like Bow’s sympathy is, not hollow but, there’s this tinge of ‘you have no idea what this is really like’ that isn’t there with Adora. Adora knows. Adora’s dealing with it too. And Glimmer can help

she can HELP! Between her mom constantly scolding her for being reckless, Bow trying to make sure she doesn’t get herself killed, and her aunt going overboard on the affection to the point where it’s embarrassing and makes Glimmer feel like she’d being treated like a little kid- She’s never been in the the position of being the one who can worry, explain things, give some very needed comfort. She’s never felt she had something to offer other than what she can do in fighting the Horde

but she helps Adora by being soft. By just being Glimmer, not a princess or a commander, and the Glimmer who is neither a princess or a commander isn’t someone Glimmer’s thought of before, I’m thinking

So who is Glimmer when she’s not fighting the Horde or trying to prove herself to her mom?

these days she’s the girl who Adora trusts completely. She’s the girl who can make Adora relax and calm down with a touch and a few words

“Glimmer-?”

“Right here, Adora.”

She’s the one Shadow Weaver impersonated in Mystacor to break Adora and her name was the one Adora called out after waking up from a nightmare. And again, just a touch, just a few words, and all Adora very real and fresh fear was washed away again

She, Glimmer with nothing else attached to her in those moments, is someone who can get things right for once

When she’s with Adora, when she sees Adora enjoying herself despite everything she has and is living through- Glimmer can look at Adora’s smile and feel good. Confident and certain that she is at least not making a mistake here. Because to Glimmer there is no question that Adora deserves to be happy, and there is no question that Glimmer is helping her slowly figure out how to be

maybe that’s why one of reasons why she said what she did after Shadow Weaver nearly wiped all that from Adora’s memory

not “Do you remember Sh-Ra”

even though that’s what SW specifically threatened to erase, even though She-Ra is the rallying point they’re all counting on to turn the tide against the Horde

not “Can you remember the Rebellion” or “Do you know who you are” even though narrativily those could both have led to some very satisfyingly impactful answers-

(imagine Adora answering with ‘I’m Adora, of the Rebellion’ or ‘She-Ra’, finally cementing her new life right after SH tried to strip it away) (imagine Adora answering back ‘Force Captain Adora’ and Glimmer’s look of horror before Adora slowly amends ‘wait.. no...’ as she remembers)

Glimmer could have even said “Do you remember me?” and that would have make perfect sense for the moment!

but she doesn’t say any of that

Glimmer unties Adora and, in a small and fragile voice, she asks

“Do you know who I am..?”

because there is a part of Glimmer that Adora brings out. There are sides to her that she feels only Adora really shares

there is a version of her that she’s discovered since becoming friends with Adora, a version of her herself that she feels proud of and confident in, someone who is not a failure

and she was scared

Adora did know who Glimmer was. she knew her in ways no one else did

but what if she didn’t anymore?

and what if her losing everything Glimmer had tried to help her find, safety, freedom, fun- What if the reason Adora lost it all and was stuck back in the dark because she gave herself up for Glimmer

because Glimmer screwed up. Got distracted. Rushed in. Got captured. The one thing she thought she could do right, help Adora, protect her, save her, she ended up ruining anyway. Mystacor all over again except the Glimmer who’d been key to Shadow Weaver getting her hands on Adora hadn’t been a fake this time

Adora had been hurt. Because of her

and watching while it happened maybe Glimmer wondered if the person she thought she could be for Adora... was never actually real

But. She. IS

she DID save Adora. She couldn’t break free when her magic was fresh and SW was taunting her about her mom getting ready to surrender, the end of the Rebellion just hours away- Glimmer tried to break free then and she COULDN’T

but when Adrora came for her later, found her tired out from struggling, maybe unconscious seeing how her doesn’t answer Adora’s first panicked yells. When she was worn down and had tried and tried to break free without anything but pain to show for it. When she should have been even weaker than she had been before-

it didn’t matter

being there for Adora is part of Glimmer now. A very IMPORTANT and STRONG part of her. So when Adora needed her most...

she was there

She got there in time

and that’s what Adora’s answer really meant to her

“Adora! Are you okay?”

“...Do you know who I am?”

“....Glimmer.”

it wasn’t just yes i remember you. Adora saying her name and smiling as she did was proof that everything that had come before had been Real, Glimmer hadn’t been fooling herself

THIS is who she really is

She is Glimmer

And she’ll always, always be there when Adora needs her

#spop #she-ra #glimmer #adora #glimadora #glimmadora #meta #ffff #f

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ethospathoslogan · 5 years

Note

“Are you fucking insane?!” (For the ask thing lmao I don’t think you’re crazy)

catch me being uhhh terrible and responding to this incredibly late

it’s been a couple weeks since i saw this but i appreciate you specifying that you don’t think i’m batshit bc omg when i first saw this, i just saw “are you fuckiing insane?” and immediately thought “oh god what did i do”

i also haven’t written sanders sides in……….. a really long time, so go easy on me

–

pairing: logince

tw(s): injuries, blood, some angst/hurt-comfort, happy end

–

Sometimes things got… rough in Roman’s realm. Which was expected. Roman’s realm was the realm of Creativity, something that was obviously Roman’s specialty and, with that, Roman had control over it.

And, well, with how… theatrical Roman could be, sometimes he lost control over his own control. Which was an odd thing to think. He was Creativity, after all, so he should be able to maintain his hold on how he commanded his specialty.

God, he sounded like Logan, so analytical and nerdy and thinking.

Well, perhaps it was because Roman had a deep slash down his arm that was bleeding profusely, and he was trying to channel Logan’s sciency mind to see what he could do to, possibly, stop the bleeding.

But, still, if he wasn’t in enough pain to be fearing that his arm might be permanately severed, he would laugh at how deeply he was thinking about his place in the Mindscape.

Sides couldn’t die. They weren’t actual people. No matter how real they all seemed, physically or mentally manifested, they didn’t have beating hearts. Logan made that clear to all of them. Something inside of them, perhaps their very being, pulsed, and, yes, they bled, and they did perhaps live, but they weren’t human. They couldn’t bleed out and die. They could bleed out and weaken, perhaps actually proving Logan’s theory that they were just made of power, but they couldn’t die. Logan’s theory as to whether they could be lost to the Mindscape was still debatable. Sides could “duck out,” but could they be forgotten?

If Roman fell in his realm, could he be found? Or would he just be lost among the grass and the flowers and the Witch’s Tower that loomed behind him?

He caught himself again. So much thinking, pondering, guesstimating, if you will. He really wanted to laugh at himself. Obviously, he spent too much time with his boyfriend if he was thinking this existentially. Logan with his theories that made Roman think too much and his expertise in science even though Thomas hadn’t been in science classes in years and his stupid face that Roman couldn’t stop thinking about and-

… He really wanted to see Logan. Not even just because Logan would know what to do, but because it was… Logan.

His arm pulsed with pain, and blood seeped further into his white jacket, and he swallowed thickly and gritted his teeth.

Logan would know what to do.

The castle which he came from was now in his line of sight. If he squinted, he could see the rift that parted his realm from the Mindscape. He just had to get a little further, and then shout his lungs out for Logan. Partially to be dramatic, partially because Roman would be bullshitting if he said he wasn’t at least sort of terrified.

He’d been injured before. That came with being a dashing, knightly prince, of course!

But… not like this before. He had had some bad run-ins before, what with some bruises and even a broken arm once or twice, but- yep, he was definitely losing feeling in his right arm and- yeah, his ribs felt like they were stabbing him when he breathed too deeply. And maybe it was the blood or the exhaustion but his head felt like it was swimming.

So, perhaps, Roman was a bit fucked.

When he finally stumbled through the rift -yes, he was pathetically stumbling now- he came out into his room. It was a shame his carpet was white. The blood would stain. If only the red velvet curtains replaced the carpet, because then-

As if his exhaustion was tired of hearing about the curtains and the carpet, his knees buckled beneath him, and he fell to them. Despite being cushioned, the force still wracked a sudden burst of pain throughout his entire body, and now Roman was thinking that perhaps something was wrong with him besides his arm and his ribs and his head. Maybe this was his power seeping from him.

Maybe Sides really could die. No, no they couldn’t. Fuck that. Roman wasn’t about that.

He hadn’t even realized he let out a cry of pain when he fell until Roman’s door flew open, gracelessly smacking into his wall, and Logan stood, wide-eyed, in the door.

Roman, tiredly and trying to muster up as much charisma as possible, smiled up at him. “Perfect timing, Specs.”

Logan gaped at him, his eyes blown wide behind his glasses. Roman noted that he, just for a moment, looked lost for what to do. Like the sight of Roman in front of him was something unknown to him.

Maybe it was. Logan hadn’t ever seen Roman like this.

And then the moment broke and Logan was rushing over to him. Logan actually slid on his carpet over to him.

“Roman, you have to tell me what happened.” Logan’s voice was tight, like he was trying to keep the panic out of it. “What happened? Tell me, okay? You need to tell me what happened, okay? You need-”

“To tell you what happened, yeah,” Roman interrupted, smirking through his pain. “Broken record, much?”

Logan stared at him and whatever sarcasm or snark that Roman expected wasn’t there.

Shit, Logan was actually concerned, and it probably looked like Roman was going to keel over, and here Roman was, being an asshole.

Roman’s smile dropped. “Please help,” he whispered, giving himself over to the vulnerability and pain that he felt.

“What hurts, Roman?” Logan asked, his voice just as quiet. “I don’t know what I can or can’t do that won’t hurt you.”

Roman’s body felt like it was on fire. His arm was heavy and numb. His head hurt. His ribs and chest ached. He was exhausted.

His eyes burned. “Everything,” he said with a watery laugh. “Fucking everything hurts. My ribs, my head, my arm might fucking fall off, and-”

At that, it was like Logan was seeing Roman’s arm for the first time, or perhaps the shock of the situation was finally settling and Logan could finally face what was infront of him again.

Before Logan could rush out a string of questions, Roman said, forcing his tone to be light, “Did you know that the Dragon Witch got a new dragon? Crazy, right? A new familiar. Puts up one hell of a fight.”

Logan, who had been moving his hands to start unbuttoning Roman’s jacket, froze. His eyes flitted back up to Roman’s. “Are you fucking insane?” he asked, his voice barely filling the room. “Why would you- Roman, you’re one person- oh my- holy shit, I need to look at your arm and your- your everything and- and stay here! Don’t move, Roman, don’t move, or I’ll-I’ll-”

“You’ll finish me off?” Roman asked with a smirk.

Logan was already rushing out of his room. “Don’t tempt me,” he was shouting back.

Sides couldn’t die but, alone, it sure felt like it.

When Logan came back in, a giant med-kit clutched in his arms, Roman had finally managed to take off his jacket and was now holding it against the gash in his arm. It was ruined anyway, might as well put it to good use.

Logan was already tearing out disinfectants and bandages from the kit. “So stupid, so reckless,” he was muttering, shaking his head. No heat was in his voice and, instead, it was full of concern. “Just because you’re a prince doesn’t mean that you actually need to go out and fight a dragon! What if you couldn’t get back here? What then, Roman?”

During his rant, Logan had taken away Roman’s jacket and, to puncuate his final question, he quickly wiped over the wound, and Roman hissed at the sudden increase of burning.

“Sorry,” Logan muttered.

It wasn’t until Logan started bandaging his arm that Roman spoke again. “You know,” he said, “I expected a grander reaction from you for seeing your boyfriend on his knees in front of you. Not even in a cool sexual way. In a very uncool, painful way.”

“Don’t be an idiot,” Logan said with an eyeroll. “You can’t die. You would- regenerate, or just come back to us. You can’t die. These wounds will heal within the day. I’m not losing you.” And, then, he looked back up to Roman, and held his gaze. “I’m not losing you, Roman.”

Roman swallowed thickly and nodded. “You’re not,” he agreed.

When Logan finished bandaging Roman’s arm (and he had been right; just with the bandages, Roman’s arm had already stopped pouring out blood), he cut Roman’s shirt off to examine his chest. Roman looked down, too, and winced at the ugly green bruising that had already begun.

“Trees hurt when you’re thrown against them,” Roman expained.

Logan glared at him. “It’s good that you can’t die” he said, “Because I would kill you just for that comment.”

Roman noted that Logan kept specifying that Roman couldn’t die. Like it was more than just a fact they all knew; like it was a comfort blanket.

Roman smiled. “How else am I supposed to stop our Mindscape from being terrorized by dragons?”

“By not thinking of them,” Logan said, turning back to the med-kit.

He took out an icepack and, cracking it, handed it to Roman. “Sit back,” he ordered, and Roman did. He carefully shifted so that his legs were crossed, failing to hide the wincing, but broken ribs would probably do that. Hurt. With his uninjured arm, Roman held the icepack to the worst of the brusing. “I should probably go get more, so-”

“Wait,” Roman said and Logan, about to get up, stilled. “Stay.” Logan arched an eyebrow and Roman took a deep breath. “You said it yourself: I can’t die, and these wounds will be healed by tomorrow. It hurts, yes, but… stay. One icepack is fine. Stay.” He worried his bottom lip. “Please?”

Logan nodded slowly and sat back down, crossing his own legs. “You’re a very stressful boyfriend,” he said. “Going out and fighting all the time is reckless, no matter the actual severity of your wounds.”

“Well, then it’s good that I have you,” Roman said with a smile. “With your nerd skills and all, I practically have a doctor.”

Logan glared at Roman and Roman’s smile turned to a grin. “Please try to be more careful,” Logan said. “I… I know I can’t, but even the thought of losing you is… rather distressing.”

“Aw, you love me.”

Logan’s glare hardered and Roman’s smile softened. “I’m not going anywhere, Specs,” he said. “You couldn’t even get rid of me if you tried. I’ll always be your Prince Charming, your knight in shining armor, your-”

“Reckless idiot sitting shirtless on a bloodstained carpet?” Logan interrupted, raising an eyebrow.

Roman sighed and let out a slight laugh before wincing again. “That too,” he said once the pain subsided.

Logan ran his eyes over Roman. “You’re going to be okay, Roman,” he said. It sounded like an assurance for both of them.

“Oh, definitely,” Roman agreed. It was a promise to the both of them.

He was Creativity, after all. If he could think of dragons and witches and dragon witches, he could think of ways to be okay.

“And I do,” Logan said, averting his eyes for a moment before looking back to Roman. “Love you, that is.”

Roman smiled. “Such a romantic,” he said. “I love you, too, you beautiful nerd.”

#logince #roman sanders #logan sanders #sanders sides #thomas sanders #stuff i write #answered #Anonymous

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icharchivist · 5 years

Text

i’ve got a spiral down about my past and needed to throw it all out somewhere sorry about that, scroll past

under cut cw: self harm mentions, suicide idealization mentions, the usual deal from my parents, abandon issues and even slight bigotery discussion that has nothing interesting to say, just me being upset at my parents, so please just scroll past.

Honestly i act as cheerful as possible lately and to be honest, i truly am happier than i had been in a long while - my current hyperfixation helping a lot and i think it also helps me process some things that I need to process as of now, especially the whole “living in the present, moving forward and try not to think too much of the past” angle that i obsess about lately -

but there’s not a single day that passes where i’m not angry at my family, that i’m not frustrated, that i don’t want to scream. I look back at my past and want to destroy it all, throw it all out, hating every single minute of it.

And it’s while it’s better now that my (ex)stepdad left for good (I still have the 6 fucking years of trauma he left me with to deal with though) and that my mom is barely there bc she’s happily living with her bf right now (and even there this bad, bitter part of me is just BITTER that she can just move on and be happy as if i hadn’t been miserable due to her decisions in that whole time) - there is still the case of the fact that there’s this trial against my dad that is bringing back sour memories because my dad just... come to shake things bc he sucks.

And meanwhile i’m happy i don’t have the weigh to bother with my mom but like?? that adds to all the times i’ve felt neglected, abandonned, left behind. And she will be /happily/ doing so and i must be happy bc she’s happy.

All those problems i have to still process the consequences to shouldn’t even have been problems to start with. There is no reason any of it is fair, any of it is worth it.

And like everytime i look back i just see how miserable it made me and how i still pay those decisions to this day: hell right now my hands hurt like crazy and GEEZ. bc what is handicaping my hand? a sickness that started due to high dose of stress my parents put me under AND neglect bc my mom argued for months i didn’t need to see a doctor and we didn’t have the means for it, leading to me contracting a deadly disease that will ALWAYS remain in my blood and always show up again when i’m having some pick of stresses and that still forbid me to do things to that day.

And like... everytime i start to be in pain i get frustrated because those problems, i’ve learnt to deal with them and i especially learnt to shut the fuck up about it. Because even if those are things that could kill me, it’s always things that do it /slowly/ so my parents don’t care?? they just tell me to stop complaining and move on? Like i almost had a ulcer and since then can’t eat some stuff anymore but does that stop my mom from just cooking it and joking that “she too is in pain eating them”?

And i’m frustrated because I compare to my sister who had also been deadly sick, but those deadly got very quick and concerning very fast so my mom at least always overprotected her - and that’s good and fine, i’m glad my sister got the support she needed, but in the meantime when I got my deadly sickness i was just told to suck it up and that we couldn’t see a doctor because see it’s slow so it’s not important?

And there’s not a day without those thoughts to come back to me. And it frustrates me, it makes me want to yell.

And like. Like. My mental health had been SO BAD for ALL THOSE YEARS and all i’ve ever heard was my mom in denial shutting me off everytime i tried to bring it up because “no no because it’d mean you’re crazy and you can’t be crazy” mom i’m telling you i want to kill myself pay fucking attention, or worse, my dad who used my confession to my mom about self harm (that my mom welcomed with fucking “I have more important things to deal with” before snitching to my dad that it was his fault while i didn’t want to tell my dad) tO PUT IT IN COURT and tlel the judge that my mental unstability “caused by my mom” was why he shouldn’t give me allowance and lol i was 15??? And that led my dad to make suicide jokes at my expense to total strangers as i grew up???

And then 4 years ago when i cut ties with my dad he started to send threats telling me he was going to send doctors from the mental institude against us because we were “dangerous to society because we’re mentally unstable” for thinking he should pay the fucking allowance, and he’s threatening this very thing again now???

Meanwhile like even my mom told me that perhaps i should keep low my attempts at therapy because my dad might use it against me and like?? like??? in what fucking world.

And I think back to those once in a while, those thoughts sneak back into my mind and i’m angry, i’m so angry, i’m so so angry at this past. I want to tear it off i want to remove it I just don’t want it. I am tired of staying up at night reviewing my trauma because my brain finds it funny to remind me that everything went downhill and i’m trying to fix what people had destroyed around me and i wonder why i even bother it’s not like i knew how it was when it wasn’t broken and i don’t see why i have to put this much effort into all of this that shouldn’t have happened to start with.

and I can see random things and it sets off the spiral down, anything that is a cute tongue and cheek thing about your past can make me remember stupid things that happened and then it’s over for the few hours that follow because i need to review AAAALL of that trauma, including things i have no reason to remember about like my fucking ex.

And it happens over and over and over again.

I’ve ended up having a rather weird spiral down rn bc when my brain keeps me awake at night i try to focus on learning Japanese so i still stimulate my brain and distract myself from mental breakdown, but it comes with its lots of trauma, like the fact my mom had always been pretty bigoted toward this culture and had always made me feel bad for being curious about it, that i’ve wanted to study it for ever but my mom always killed it in some way or another, that i was made ridicule for it, and hell so did my Dad, he was no better he was just less virulant than her and just more humiliating. My mom was shutting me off and my dad was humiliating me, they made such a goddamn duo (and anyway from the letters i’ve found back from my sister running away that was already their combo kill before, lmao, and they still do that while divorced ofc).

And I was thinking what would be THE event in my life i could change that would have saved me all that trouble? And i think, if my grandmother took me with her when she took my sister away from my family. If i grew up with them what would have happened?

And I was thinking, geez my mom always told me they were horrible people and i mean the apple can’t have fallen so far from the tree right? Like, how is there any garentee it could have been better except for the fact my sister got a happy life there.

and from all the things I could remember i remembered that they moved away back to the island my mother grew up to that is nearby Japan (which was my mom’s justification for being bigoted), and that for a couple of months when i was 14 where my mom managed to get in contact back with her mother (not allowed to talk back to my sister though and that’s when things turned sour but that’s a whole other can of worms), and for that slight time my grandmother actually talked back to me and was the most encouraging person from my whole family, and she had patrons from Japan so since she knew i was interested she sent me goodies she could find, like a traditional fan i still have, and she was even talking about how my mom and I could move in with them, and that i’d study there and study the language and all and it was already more support than i’ve ever had before which i’ve never realized until now and i started to cry in the kitchen out of nowhere (probably not helping i was making onigiri so it’s the mood i guess)

and like all of this was a lie since a few weeks later she told my mom last minute that we weren’t allowed to approach them anymore since my sister didn’t want to see her anymore (DUH that’s why she ran away) so we had to change our plans last minute and we lost contact and i’ve lost pretty much all interests i had at the time because now i associated it to a sour memory, and i suppose that’s part of the reasons why i hadn’t considered studying Japanese again until pretty recently (that and the fact my mom still found bigoted boyfriends who belittled me for that as well but hey when the shoe fits i guess)

and i guess this whole spiral down i was thinking, i was told all my life they were horrible people and I don’t know them enough to have judged them, yet in a couple of months i was in contact with them they had shown more support to me than my family ever did.

And it just... guh.

I feel like ever since i’ve read my sister’s file and that every affection i still had for my family broke, everyday is just a flood of remembering memories i’ve repressed of slight neglects here and there, or things i’ve been in denial about because it couldn’t have been that bad right?

And I feel like.. the more now i’m trying to be in a better place mentally, and to sieze things I want, the more i remember why i wasn’t doing those to begin with and it’s not just my mental health being bad because of my parents, it was the whole package the problem, i have this sort of trauma on every aspect of my life, there’s not a single thing i can think back without taking it in the lense of feeling betrayed by my family in some regards.

And hell even to some extend i feel so, so upset that those bounds with my families are things I want to throw out to start with, because I value the principle of legacy, but my family never did and I think back about the fact my parents come from very different and vast cultures that has nothing to do with France (my father is southern italian, my mother is of jewish descendant (as in she herself considers herself atheist and she never passed it down but she was raised in the faith) with her family branches from Algeria and she grew up in tropical islands surrounded by their cultures) and that they always, always specifically made sure i never knew about it until very late, shutting me off of it and then being mad that i don’t know stuff from my father’s side or mad that I get curious about others things in general.

and i feel misplaced, i feel like this odd number that never got the attention of my parents, that didn’t inherit anything and perhaps it’s better this way, but i’ve been envious all my life of this concept and now i keep thinking and thinking and thinking about what the hell went wrong and there’s nothing in my control, just trying to break the paterns over and over again. (and all of this not helped by the fact it was the same as school for similar reasons, so the problem always felt like a me thing, it takes forever to try to heal from it)

All while also i was the one who took care of all of them, ALL of them, of my mother’s trauma, of my father’s abuse, of my sister projecting her abandons issues on me and my eldest that left such a ghost in our life i have no memory of despite this weigh, all while dealing with life’s problems, school, bullying, my fucking ex, and I had to think about it, i had to take a lot of responsabilities very young to stop my mother from collapsing and to try to stop my father from hurting us, and it comes back, it comes back that i should have never taken this burden to start with, and that all this burden i’ve taken is for a family who had never connected with me, never tried to and always making me feel bad for doing so, and the people i’ve villified all my life as a coping mechanism ends up making me feel a sort of homesickness i don’t even know how to express because i don’t know what it is to have a home that doesn’t hurt and no place of escape was ever actually safe.

And i want to move on, i want to move past that, i’m tired to deal with those ghosts all over and over again, it should never have happened to start with. I am so frustrated of those battles i should never have had to pick, of this responsability i’ve taken, and now between my mom just going on living her life happy go lucky leaving me to fend on my own as if she hadn’t destroyed my life and my father who keeps arguing of how much of a terrible person i am for just asking for the rightfull help my parents owe me, all while also my father keep making me feel guilty about the disconnect i have with my family, about how i’ve cut ties with everyone, that i neglect this heritage i have, so much that the timing leaps over the things i want to focus on now and i grow bitter and bitter and there’s nothing my parents aren’t always poisoning in some way or another.

I’ve been told all my life to not mimick my eldest, hearing humiliating things about her with the constant threat of “dont be like her” and now i yearn for having understood her back then and having done like her sooner instead of trying all my life to do the extra miles to not hurt my parents again the way she hurt them, while she was right, she was right all along and i’ve villified her all my damn life while she was right and i should have done the same far earlier if i hadn’t been made to feel guilty about having this clear exemple of a way out in front of me.

And i’m tired and i’m tired and i want out i hate this life i hate every single things that brought me to that past and i have no idea what i’m doing with my life nor why i even bother trying to keep walking but i sure as hell need to at least fucking try, if only because i can’t them let win it, if only by spite of wanting to finally cut it all out and them having to live with the fact they’ve destroyed everything they ever touched.

So the spiral downs and freakout that keep me awake lately are super fun and i fucking love that i just had a breakdown in the kitchen because I just thought about how i was given my eldest sister’s room when she left home and all the things that then followed from me never feeling at home anywhere ever, and that just a single thought about a material thing from my past suddenly brings an avalanche of bad things to remind me of all that repressed memory i refuse to acknowledge.

Im having so much fun on this tuesday night, peace out i’m tired, i’ll blast some music again now.

#ichapersonal #really just. scroll past.#it's just an episode i need to let it out or else it'll eat me out #anyway back into Repressing Stuff.

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honeybunash · 6 years

Text

Three Missed Calls at 2 am

Warnings: kinda angst?, some fluff?, mentions of drinking, cursing

Requested?: nope

Prompt?: best friends to lovers no. 2, 8, and 14

Pairing: best friend!Ashton x Reader

Word Count: 1.7k+

A/N: This is my first ever writing and I’m super nervous to post this but here it is!!! I wrote this all in one night and I stayed up way too late to finish it but it was worth it bc i’m lowkey super proud of it! Hope you enjoy! Also I’m so bad at endings so sorry that the end is so shitty in advance

Summary: You blacked out one night and you may or may not have drunk-dialed your best friend and confessed your love to him

Admittedly, you didn’t make some of the best decisions of your life last night. In all honestly, you barely remember it. It started off with you and your girlfriends taking shots and once they headed to the dance floor, you stayed back and took a few (a lot) more by yourself. After that, everything was black until you opened your eyes to the sunlight flooding your living room the next morning. Head pounding, you let out a frustrated moan, annoyed that you keep letting yourself do this. You try to roll over but, not realizing you’re on the couch, you roll right off and land on the hardwood floor. Too tired and hungover to care, you curl up on the hard ground with the blanket that your girlfriends placed over you. They also took off all your makeup and made sure there was advil and a large glass of water on the table next to the couch. You already expected this since they’ve done the same treatment for the past few days whenever you come home so drunk you don’t even remember your own name. They think you’re just stressed out and need something to take your mind off everything so you’re constantly intoxicating yourself. You know the real motivation behind it but you’d never tell them because if you did, they wouldn’t let you leave the house again. Instantly regretting curling up, you attempt to stand up but as soon as you put any pressure on your left foot, sharp pains shoot up your leg. You manage to crawl onto the couch and notice a note next to the water and advil.

Good morning Y/N! Hope you enjoyed the 15 shots you had last night that made you black out! You went a little too wild on the dance floor and twisted your left ankle. You couldn’t walk at all so we had to leave early. Ellie carried you home while the rest of us made sure you didn’t puke on anyone or anything. Thanks for making us carry you home for the third time this week! Really appreciate it. Anyways there’s extra pancakes in the fridge and Natasha cut up some strawberries so those are in there too. Try to take it easy and don’t put pressure on your ankle. Take your advil and drink a shit ton of water. Don’t plan on going out again any time soon. Your ankle and your liver need a break. See you tonight. -Tina

You roll your eyes while you swallow the advil and down the rest of the water. “Really appreciate it.” Fuck off Tina you’re acting like we’ve never had to carry your drunk ass home from drinking too many dollar margaritas or when we had to go to ER to get your stomach pumped after Julian broke up with you? Grow the fuck up. And “Don’t plan on going out again anytime soon.” Excuse me? Who the fuck are you? My mother? Ugh.

You go to check your phone and once you realize it’s dead, you also realize that you have to somehow get up the stairs to get to your charger in your room even though you can barely walk. Such a great start to the morning!

It takes you ten minutes to cross your living room, go up the stairs, and across the disgusting mess your room is, trying not to twist your other ankle while you step over the piles of dirty clothes, bags, and any other belongings that line your floor. You plop onto your bed and plug in your phone, waiting for it to turn on. As you lay there, you hear the deadbolt to your apartment unlocking and the fast paced thuds of boots heading towards your room. The door to your room opens and you see it’s your best friend. He’s visibly frustrated and his chest is rising and falling quickly under his shirt.

“Hey Ash, what’re you doing here?” you ask him groggily.

“Why the fuck do you think I’m here?” He responds, slamming the door shut.

“I don’t know, you wanted to check up on me to make sure I didn’t die last night?”

“Oh, I know you didn’t die last night.” He snaps back.

“Well that’s good, right? Here I am! Alive and well! Kinda!” The frustrated look on Ashton’s face isn’t going away. “What’s going on? Did I do something?”

“Yes you fucking did something, Y/N.”

“Well obviously I don’t know what I did so would you just tell me?”

Ashton rubs his temples with forefinger and thumb and looks at the ground. “Have you not checked your phone yet this morning?”

“No. It was dead and I just came up here to plug it in.”

“Maybe you should check it.”

You keep your eyes on him as you reach for your phone. You check your notifications but there’s nothing that seems urgent enough for your best friend to burst into your apartment to confront you about it at ten in the morning.

“Ash I don’t see anything what’s going on?” You search for any answers in his eyes but you can’t find anything.

“Check your call history.”

You immediately check it and see that you called him three times last night. “So I called you a couple times in the middle of the night, what’s the big deal?”

He tilts his head back in frustration. “Do you not remember calling me?”

“No. I blacked out at like midnight. What’s this all about?”

“So you called me while you were drunk.”

“Yes I just told you that I was out by midnight and these calls were at like 2 am.”

“You know what happens when you call people when you’re drunk.”

What the fuck happens when I call people when I’m drunk?

After giving Ashton some confused looks, he exhales sharply, looks at the floor, and then looks you right in the eye. “So are we’re just going to ignore the fact that you drunk-dialed me to tell me you love me?”

Fuck. You just stare at him, unable to form a sentence. Did you really do this? The one thing you’ve been always dreaded doing?

“I-I did?” you manage to stutter out. He pulls out his phone and plays one of the voicemails you left him.

“Heyyy Ash! I’m at the club right now with El, Nat, and Tina and I maayybe had a few too many drinks. But don’t tell them! I don’t want them to get mad at me. Uhhh anywayss I just wanted to let you know that I love you a lot. Like a lot. I know that I tell you that alllll the time but like I really mean it this time, okay? And it’s like more than just as a best friend, ya know? cause like you’re my favorite person on this whoolleee entire planet and I don’t think you know. I mean, you might, but I doubt I would’ve told you this when I was sober. But you know what they say! Drunk words are sober thoughts! So yeah uh I’m in love with you and now you know. Yay! I can finally get that off my chest. That’s been sitting there for like two years so I’m glad I don’t have to worry about that anymore. Okay I’ll probably see you tomorrow because you always check up on me in the morning which is so nice by the way and just one of the reasons why I’m so in love with you. Okay! I love you! Byeee!”

You just sit there in utter disbelief, listening to your drunk voice coming out of his phone. This can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening this can’t be happening.

“Now do you know why I’m here?”

All you can do is nod. Tears start to well in your eyes as the recording shuts off.

“I have two more just like that. Want to hear those too?” you can hear his voice raising.

“I don’t need to hear anymore.” you burst, stopping Ash from embarrassing you again. “I’m sorry.” This is it. This is how I lose my best friend. Over one stupid drunk phone call. Why the fuck did I have to do that?

He turns around and slams his fist on the door, making you jump. His head hangs down and he takes a deep breath.

“God Y/N, why the fuck are you like this?” He turns back around to look at you. “I know that you drunk-dial your exes and any of the guys you flirt with on tinder... but me? Why me?” Your heart breaks at your best friend’s words and it breaks even more as your eyes meet his, filled with hurt and confusion. There’s no helping it now as tears drip down your face and you can see his eyes are tearing up too.

“Ash I’m-“ you begin, but he puts his hand up to stop you. He walks over, narrowly avoiding twisting his own ankle as he sits down on the bed next to you. His breathing is heavy again and you can see his lip quivering slightly. To your surprise, he takes your hand in his, interlacing your fingers. He gives your hand the slightest squeeze.

“Why is your hand so sweaty?” you can’t help but let out a small laugh. “No but seriously why? Am I making you nervous?” His mouth curves into a slight smirk, knowing exactly what your answer is. He takes a deep breath and meets your eyes with his hazel ones again. “I always told myself that I wouldn’t fall in love with my best friend, but here I am.” Wait what? You turn to him and now it’s your turn to look confused. What is he talking about? He isn’t in love with you. He can’t be. That’s impossible why wo- his words cut off your thoughts.

“You remember when you surprised us on tour in LA?” you nod in acknowledgement, eager to hear where this is going to go. “Well that’s when I knew I was in love with you. You were so understanding about everything and you didn’t complain once. Okay except for that one night when we got back in the middle of the night and we were really loud and obnoxious and we woke you up and you were mad. But you got over it once I said I would come cuddle with you so you could fall back asleep.”

You smile at the memory, it was one of the best nights that you spent on tour with them. The two of you cuddled together in your bed that was definitely not made for two people. You were smushed but comfortable. His body heat kept you warm and you fell asleep safely in your best friend’s arms.

“And as I was laying there, I realized that there was no one else that I wanted to be with but you.” Tears immediately start to roll down your face as a wave of emotions washes over you. “I love you, Y/N.” He flashes his beautiful smile at you and you can’t help but smile yourself.

“Say it again.” your words came out more desperate than you wanted.

“What?”

“Say it again. I want you to say it again.” You’re practically begging him.

“I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too, Ash.”

“Also, just so you know, I’m going to be keeping those voicemails and using them to blackmail you in the future so be prepared.” He says with a smirk.

“Um, no you’re not because those are getting deleted right now.” You laugh and then lunge to grab his phone but end up collapsing on top of him, both of you laughing and fighting for his phone because if any of this was up to you, those recordings would’ve already been deleted.

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lmk if you want more? you can request something if you want?? leave me some feedback!! i desperately need it bc this is my first fic and literally anything would help!! thank you for reading 💖

tags: @calumsdemons

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ellanainthetardis · 6 years

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Prompt (only if you're still taking them ofc): Effie embarrasses herself pre-Mockingjay and Haymitch tries to calm her down (maybe with Cinna there too just bc i love Cinna) :)

Here you go! [x]

One For The Gag-Reel

“I cannot wait forthis dreadful Tour to be over!” Effiesnapped, her cheeks still burning red. She limped to the closest armchair andsat down with relief, immediately folding her right leg over her left so shecould get a good look at her ankle.

“But we’rehaving so much fun…” Haymitch drawled out. Without any sympathy. As usual. He went straight to the liquor cart and shesupposed she should have been gratefulhe hadn’t headed directly to the train’s bar car.

She pursed herlips and glared at his back.

“It’s not that bad.”Katniss offered, dropping on the couch.

Humiliating.

It was humiliating.

“Not that bad?”she hissed. “You are aware this willprobably go into the gag reel, aren’t you? Everyone will watch me fall downthose stairs on a loop and laugh.”

“It was funny.”Haymitch snorted, taking off his jacket and tossing it on the back of thecouch. “That little screech you made? Comedygold.”

“The important thing is that you didn’t really gethurt.” Peeta commented, not unkindly, as he sat on Katniss’ other side.

“It truly wasn’tthat bad, darling.” Portia swore. “I doubt the cameras had a good angle…”

“You are sweet but the cameras were aimed straight atthe flight of stairs I missed.” she retorted. She undid the buckle of the shoeand rotated her ankle a few times. There was an unmistakable pinch. “Damn shoes!”

“Told you they would kill you.” Haymitch taunted fromthe cart where he was doing who knew what. How long did it take to pour oneselfa drink? And really was it too muchto expect for him to do the polite thing and offer everyone one?

“I am so sorry, Effie.” Cinna winced. “I designedthose heels..”

“Oh, it is fine…” she sighed, a little subdued by thatapology. “It was the stairs… The stairs were faulty.”

“She should have told Six’s mayor.” Katniss mutteredto Peeta under her breath. “I’m sure he would have liked to know.”

Effie pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes at thechildren.

“Here’s some ice.” Haymitch declared before she couldtell the girl off for being insensitive to her pain. “Quit bitching now.”

She was genuinely surprised when he placed ice cubeswrapped in a cloth around her ankle. He hadn’t been fixing himself a glass then,after all. It made her feel guilty and she gave him an apologetic look that hedismissed with a roll of his eyes.

She was not really angry anyway.

Simply…

Well. Humiliated.She couldn’t even tell how it had happened. One minute she was walking up thestairs next to Haymitch, the next she was falling all the way back down. Sheremembered having made a desperate grab for him, she remembered he had tried tocatch her… Then she was sliding down the stairs on her side. Everyone rushed toher naturally. The Mayor, the kids, Cinna and Portia… Even Haymitch had beennext to her in a flash, asking if she was alright before defusing the tensionwith a joke…

She had laughed along and she had smiled for thecameras but she hadn’t been able to relax all dinner, fixated on the fact thatthe whole country had seen that fall and that it would probably play on repeatfor days. The simple thought wasenough to make her flush again.

The children didn’t linger long in the living-room andPortia, after making sure she was alright, followed them down the corridor,declaring she wanted to get as much sleep as possible before they reached Five.Effie could understand that. They were all tired and stressed out. She wouldn’thave fallen down the stairs if she hadn’t been tired and stressed out.

The ice made her skin numb and she moved the makeshiftpack around a little, wincing when she caught sight of her ankle.

“Oh.” Cinna made a face, crouching next to herarmchair and lifting the ice pack to get a closer look. “That doesn’t lookgood…”

“What?” Haymitch asked from the other side of the roomwhere, this time, he was fixinghimself a drink.

“It’s swollen.” the stylist said. “I think you mightneed a doctor…”

“It is simply a sprain. Nothing I cannot handle.” shesighed.

Haymitch took a sip of his drink on his way to herarmchair and handed it to her for safekeeping. He carefully coiled one handaround her ankle and placed his other one of her foot. He slowly made her footturn one way and then the other…

She had half a mind to ask him if he had gotten amedical degree while she wasn’t looking…

“Shit,sweetheart, it does look bad.” hefrowned, a bit sheepish. Probably because he had been making fun of her nonstopsince it had happened.

“I will keep it wrapped until we have to go on cameratomorrow.” she sighed, glancing at Cinna with a pout. “I was supposed to wearthe red heels in Five but I think they might be too high now. Do you think wemight switch for the black ones? They are less impressive but they are alsomore comfortable.”

“You’re joking.” Haymitch scoffed, gently rubbing histhumb on the swollen part of her ankle. “You shouldn’t put weight on that foot.Never mind wearing those death traps.”

“Oh, don’t you worry. I went down the catwalk withmore serious injuries than this.” she dismissed. “Sprains are a model’s lot.”

“I will go see what we can do for your outfit.” Cinnapromised. “We’ll make you look so fabulous nobody will remember what happenedtonight.”

“I doubt that but I thank you.” she smiled, squeezinghis hand when he placed it on her shoulder. “Goodnight, dear.”

Once the sliding door had automatically closed behindthe stylist, Effie slouched a little in the armchair, losing her regal bearingand wincing at the pain in her side. She only hesitated a short moment beforefinishing Haymitch’s whiskey. The taste was awful but she hoped the alcoholwould help her relax.

He tossed her an annoyed look when he saw what she haddone but didn’t comment, still busy inspecting her ankle as if he could heal itjust with his willpower.

“I hate totrouble you but would you terriblymind helping me to my room?” she asked.

“You hate to trouble me?” he snorted, openly mocking.“Since when?”

She pouted. “I was simplybeing polite.”

“See, you sayyou’re being polite but that’s just a covert way to be bossy.” he accused,outstretching a hand to help her up. “Come on, I’ll carry you. Should have saidit was that bad. Wouldn’t have letyou walk all the way from the Justice Building to the train.”

“I told youI was in pain.” she argued.

“No. You told me it was a disaster ‘cause everyone’dbe laughing at you.” he objected, rolling his eyes. “You said you were fine.”

“Well, I was not about to admit being hurt through myown clumsiness on national TV.” she retorted, wrapping her arms around hisneck. She held her breath when he picked her up, pain flaring on her right sidebut she clenched her jaw and pressed her forehead against his shoulder.

“What now?” he grumbled. “You’re okay?”

“Bruised.” she breathed out slowly.

He didn’t answer but his expression grew a little darkerand he hurried down the corridors and to her bedroom. He was careful when heplaced her down on the bed and she was grateful he didn’t toss her like hesometimes did when he fancied himself a funny man.

“Where’s the first aid kit?” he asked, alreadyrummaging in the cupboard of her en-suited bathroom. “Never mind. Found it.”

There were more sounds of things being moved around.She supposed he was looking for the right salve.

She did a quick job of getting rid of her remainingshoe and of the dress. Then she stood up and hopped to the full-length mirrorscrewed on the wardrobe door. And she made a face.

There were angry looking bruises on her right sidefrom her ribs to her mid-thigh.

“You shouldn’t be up…” Haymitch started scolding as hecame back in the bedroom only to do a double take. “Holy shit.”

Before she really understood what was going on, he hadher sitting down on the bed and he was running his palm all over the bruisedarea, sometimes pressing a little too hard for comfort. There was a frantic,almost panicked look in his eyes and it took her a few minutes to figure outwhat was wrong.

“I am fine,Haymitch.” she promised.

“You’re lucky you didn’t crack your ribs.” hemuttered. “Shit. You should have saidit was that bad.”

“I honestly did not know.” she sighed. “And the factyou are distressed do not excuse your language.”

“Ain’t distressed.I don’t care if you go and break your neck.” he grumbled, picking up the smalljar he had found in the bathroom.

She tried to take it from him but he batted her handaway. It seemed he was determined to take care of her injuries himself so shelet him, relaxing because as strong as his hands were – and there were strong – they could be extremelytender when he wanted them to.

He was only satisfied when her side was entirely coated with cream. He rubbed a generousamount on her ankle too and watched, apparently fascinated, when she expertlywrapped it tight.

He lifted his eyebrows. “How often have you donethat?”

“I told you. Sprains… It is a common thing.” sheshrugged. “I have been wearing heels since I was ten. It is bound to happen.”

He stared at her and then shook his head, standing upfrom the bed to get rid of his own clothes. “But you still wear them. You’recrazy.”

She huffed but didn’t rise to that bait. She watchedhim discard his waistcoat on the chair in the corner before kicking his shoesagainst the wall…

“I do not remember inviting you to stay tonight.” shescorned, a little vexed by his name-calling.

“Thought it was an open invitation thing…” he smirked,glancing at her over his shoulder before ripping the tie off his neck andtossing it on top of the waistcoat. The shirt and the pants didn’t get thatfar, they remained on a heap on the floor, prompting her to press her lips in ahard disapproving line. Not that he cared.

“Perhaps you thought wrong.” she hummed, unclaspingher bra and slipping her panties off. She had to use the bathroom anyway so shepointedly hopped to the clothes hamper to drop her dirty laundry.

He was usually more receptive to her naked self – evenif she was hopping around – but his grey eyes remained on the bruises marringher pale skin. And they were hard.

She rethought her original plan of going into thebathroom and limped closer to him, locking her arms around his neck. His handshovered uncertainly next to her hips before settling at the small of her back.She wasn’t sure she liked the way he was touching her, as if she was abreakable fragile thing. He never touched her like that.

“You know Imark easily.” she reminded him. “It looks more impressive than it is. It doesnot even hurt that much.”

“Yeah.” he granted, brushing his knuckles along theline of her spine. “Just don’t like seeing you hurt.”

She smiled and raised on tip toes – balanced on heronly good foot – to kiss him.

She didn’t make the mistake of telling him she thoughthe was being sweet but she hoped she made herself clear anyway.

#hayffie #effie trinket #haymitch abernathy #prompt #victory tour #funny one #hurt comfort #hbic effie #protective haymitch #coconuts friends #injuries #the kids #the stylists

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midcing · 6 years

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okay so i have some New Kids.... they are all trash but some of them are trying their best which should honestly count for something imho... i’ll probably bring some more muses in at some point during this week bc i legit have 25 apps in my drafts right now and i just didn’t apply for all at once bc didn’t want to overwhelm myself... honestly tho? i want all the plots.... so like... pls like this and i’ll im you or come to me throwing ideas at my face so we plot and have some connections and threads ?? love my new trash sons pls ?? thanks !

JAMES WEST looks an awful lot like CHARLIE WEBER. HE is THIRTY NINE and while they’re LOGICAL, they have a tendency to get pretty CONTRARY. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to POLARIZE by TWENTYONEPILOTS.

inspired by ;; frank delfino from htgawm, walter white from breaking bad and jaime lannister from game of thrones.

a lawyer

has 2 daughters.

would probably start a war for both of them if they asked him to.

thinks his daughters are angels who can do no wrong. if he saw them murdering someone in front of him, he would probably come up with a reason why they were doing it and defend them which isn’t great bc they are both like wild kids who are not actual angels ( wc ?? anyone ?? i’m trash for families ngl )

sketchy morals at best? ? doesn’t think of himself as someone who would do anything wrong but if something wrong is being done for his benefit he is sure as hell not gonna stop it

got into an ivy league school because his father - criminal known for money laundering, corruption, and fraud - donated a huge sum of money to the college. will die pretending he got in on his own merit

the older brother of my character mark west bc i love families sue me

would probably google ‘how to know if i am a dilf’

says thing like ‘lit’ and ‘on fleek’ to relate to the youth

pretends everything is fine until it blows up in his face

wants to much ! a perfect life, a perfect house, a perfect family, a perfect wife, a perfect job ! pretty good ? nah. not good enough for james west. scratch that and start again. everything must be 10/10

wants to be everybody’s dad even tho he isn’t a great dad to his two kids

will make your life choices for you if you let him

will bail you out of jail but only if he is allowed to give you a 3 hour lecture on Responsibility

will logic his way out of moral conundrums

the kind of person that turns a blind eye to corruption if it benefits him in some way

tries his best, which really honestly can only be said about 5% of my characters, so i would give him some credit

if you ask him a question he doesn’t want to answer he will just straight up ignore the question and change the subject

feels guilty about the way his helps criminals and does wrong stuff for his benefit and the benefit of the people he loves but also doesn’t try to change

aesthetics — watching the sunset through the office window, loud alarms playing an hour later than it should, unrecognizable reflection in the mirror, child laughter and the heavy feeling of stress in your chest, hushed whispers of assertions amidst a crowd, old wedding rings saved away after the divorce, big houses and empty space, thousand dollar watches, the smell of jail permanently stuck to a three piece suit, painfully happy memories, ignoring the way guilt makes it hard to breath, arguing in a favor of a guilty party.

FRANK HAMILTON looks an awful lot like DAVID HARBOUR. HE is FORTY ONE and while they’re DEVOTED, they have a tendency to get pretty UNPRINCIPLED. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to SEDATED by HOZIER.

inspired by ;; hank from detroit become human and chief hopper from stranger things

tw: gambbling, alcoholism

a mess trying to pass for a functioning human being

he is a dirty cop that accepts bribes to let people off the hook and gets money from gangs to look the other way when he knows they will be doing something wrong somewhere bc he truly cannot bring himself to care

honestly i have no excuses for his behavior

has a huge problem with gambling.

born in kola. lived in kola for almost 30 years. moved out after his marriage fell apart, but has recently moved back

the kind of human being who thinks blood and gasoline are sexy

the kind of person that goes All Fucking Out for things and then when things don’t turn out exactly how he expected them to he makes a fuss about it and goes like “why did i even bother?”

will call you out on your bullshit and then act like people just throw shit at other’s face like that. stare you in the eye after exposing you and ask ‘what?’

says stuff like ‘i might be a shitty person but at least i’m upfront about it’ and ‘i prefer not to get involved in people’s lives.’

there is no such thing as a acquaintances. frank either loves you with all his heart and would kill a man for you OR he hates you and the fact that you are able to talk annoys him

you’ve heard of overachivers ?? well frank is here to present you A True Underachiever. he tries to do the bare minimum amount of work possible

the personification of /r/notmyjob

would probably go to an underground fighting ring for fun

channels his unhappiness into unhealthy habits. drinks too much, smokes too much. doesn’t do anything to change the fact that he is unhappy

gambled his marriage away by which i mean he gambled everything owned away and kept trying to find excuses for it until she was done and left . he still loves her but he feels like shit and he doesn’t wanna drag her back into his shitty life ( wc ? pls ? )

moved away from kola when his marriage ended and went to las vegas. lived there until he got in dept there too and he couldn’t find anywhere else to play then came back to kola

at some point was wide-eyed and hopeful and interested in helping people but slowly became unhappy with how he didn’t go anywhere, didn’t become better, greater, didn’t do more and then slowly things just went to shit

aesthetics — casual cruelty in the name of honesty, cigarette buds collecting on an old ashtray, crumbled dollar bills found between couch cushions, falling asleep at three o’clock and waking up the next day, bloody knuckles, handcuffs and police siren, the smell of alcohol in your breath at ten in the morning, unironed shirts and old cologne, knowing something is wrong but doing it anyway, ignored calls from concerned family members, remembering you have to do something just as it is too late to do it, the thrill in heartbeat when you land a punch in someone’s face, drunk steps stumbling out of the bar, begging people for one more chance.

SEBASTIAN “BASH” VANCOOP looks an awful lot like LIAM PAYNE. HE is TWENTY TWO and while they’re CHARMING, they have a tendency to get pretty SELFISH. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to PLAY ME LIKE A VIOLIN by JEREMY.

inspired by ;; hakeem lyon from empire and aaron burr from hamilton

that one sort of famous person that is always shirtless in other famous’ people instagram stories

treats people like things he can use and drop when he gets tired of

fake af. will say he likes you and then shit talk about you behind your back

that one person that goes ‘ooooooooooh you are gonna let them talk like that about you ?? ’ when other people are fighting

only wears prada chanel and gucci

can actually be really nice if you get to know him but how ? when there are three hundred walls up ??

thinks people are gonna take advantage of him or make fun of him so he just doesn’t trust anyone. can’t get betrayed if you never let anyone in right ??

doesn’t understand internet culture

was born in an insanely rich family. his father was a famous movie producer and his mother was a famous movie star. picture like spielberg as his dad and kate winslet as his mom

hates when people say like ‘Oh So You Are [ ]’s son?’

the first movie he was ever in was when he was about 5

he was in a bunch of movies from ages 5 to 12 but it was never really anything big. he was just the main character’s kid or that one kid that doesn’t get much screen time in movies like goonies

he never really liked acting but what else woUld he do ?? look at his family !! look at his legacy !! [ cue ‘wait for it’ from the hamilton soundtrack playing in the background ]

when he was 20 his father produced and directed a movie in which he stared. it was like his first Real role in hollywood action blockbuster. before the movie was out there was this whole hype about him and his dad working together and wow it’ll be awesome but it pretty much bombed. picture like After Earth bomb. everyone shit talking about him and the movie and how dumb it is on youtube bomb. the movie doesn’t get money to pay for itself bomb.

despite the fact that his parents said it didn’t matter. it was just a bad movie. everyone making fun of him and people shit talking about how he didn’t have his parents’ talent got to him real bad. he stopped acting all together.

his parents keep telling him to Do Something but he just doesn’t

is living in kola bc LA is a dumb of reminder of everything he thinks he did wrong

aesthetics — the blinding lights of camera flashes, the light feeling of being drunk, loud songs blaring through club speakers, interviews stopped halfway through, rude comments and anger, crowded parties in expensive summer homes, the overwhelming feeling in your chest when someone gets too close to fast, feigned charm and stranger’s company, running out of things to say after you have known someone for a while, wasted champagne dripping off a tilted bottle and loud laughter coming from the other room, the slow but continues pain in your heart that reminds you you are disappointment.

MATTHEW “MATTEO” DECKER looks an awful lot like JON BERNTHAL. HE is FORTY TWO and while they’re WILLFUL, they have a tendency to get pretty BLUNT. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to SEVEN NATION ARMY by THE WHITE STRIPES.

inspired by ;; frank castle from daredevil, frank castle from the punshiner, frank castle from the born comics series. ( they are three different people, fight me ) seeley booth from bones in season five

tw: alcoholism, ptsd, mention of army, and war

former us marine

mostly goes by decker. his family used to calls him matteo but when other people do it it’s like .. “no”

you have been heard of resting bitch face ? matteo is here to show you the resting i fucking hate you face

swears too much like Wayy too much

he can be honestly really fucking soft i’m ngl but then you gotta be that one person that breaks down walls and again ? who has the time for that ? in the twenty first century?

wants to take care of everyone but pretends he is not interested in people bc he “Knows” everyone is gonna die or leave so there is no fucking point

actually just pretends he isn’t The Absolute Softest for everyone and tries to keep them all at arm's length but then people say ‘hi’ and are nice to him and he is like ‘Fuck me now i like them’

can actually laugh and make jokes which is Impressive imo

but then goes back to being bitter and angry at life

too straight up about things : could heavenly benefit from learning how to read social cues

you have to Tell him things if you want him to understand it. you can’t go around dropping hints. he won’t get it.

drinks his coffee black and without sugar

enlisted when he was eighteen bc patriotism and american dream and red white and blue stars but then that slowly stopped being the point. then he was just doing it bc He had been doing that for years what else would he do ? and then at some point he just saw too much … and then when he was discharged he just Never came back

after he came back he couldn’t find a job and he didn’t know what else to do and he slowly started getting involved with shady stuff and now he sells drugs to pay the bills

disappointed in who he is right now.

he is honestly Trying his very best.

aesthetics — punching a wall until your hands stings and your chest doesn’t anymore, the pleasant light feeling of holding back laughter, completed tasks and unachievable peace of mind, low chatter in dive bars in dark parts of town, questioning your belief system, roadside motels and failing neon lights, moonlight coming through the bedroom window, leaving the morning after, combat boots, loud honking cars and shaky hands, fighting the urge to shove someone away when you feel their touch against your skin, quiet places and pleasant loneliness, old dusty books and rock music, waking up multiple times in the middle of the night, whiskey mixed with coffee

OCTAVIANUS BRUNO GENTILLE looks an awful lot like FRANCOIS ARNAUD. HE is THIRTY SIX and while they’re ROMANTIC, they have a tendency to get pretty UNREALISTIC. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to SOMEONE NEW by HOZIER.

inspired by ;; jay gatsby from the great gatsby, romeo from romeo and juliet, tom hansen from (500) days of summer, a slam poem i saw on youtube once

tw: bullying, mention of learning disabilities and stutter

romanticized every bad thing that happened in his life.

will romanticize every bad thing that ever happened in your life.

the kind of person that says “things happen for a reason…”

goes by his middle name. honestly thinks his first name is the Most Stupid Thing In The World if you call him octavianus he’ll be legit annoyed. kids used to make fun of him at school all that jazz. just call bruno

he is legit in love with italian culture and history. his father was italian and he just highkey Cannot Shut Up About It

art history professor in kola’s college

the kind of professor that just loves what he is doing… you know when the professor like kinda looks excited that he is talking or sharing knowledge or just talking about shit they truly like ? that is bruno

a nerd but pretends he isn’t

could not do a one night stand without catching feelings if his life depended on it

loves people too much too fast with all his heart

there is an argument to be made for him not actually falling in love with people and just with the idea of love that he made up in his mind but let’s get to that when we get to that

will spend the entire lesson arguing with one student about how inaction in our current political climate is just as harmful as supporting people who are doing harm when he was supposed to be talking about impressionism or something like that

thinks people have a soulmate and he is just trying to find his

100% not only Shows up to slam poetry sessions but Helps organize them

real political. the type of person that rallies when things are wrong and gets others to do it

has too many exes

posts pictures with his current girl/boyfriends on instagram and then doesn’t delete them when they break up bc ‘that’s who i was at that moment’

can recite poetry for you in italian but do not let him trick you. he’ll only be around for the honeymoon phase of the relationship then he’ll be like wow this isn’t perfect. time to end it

loves art !! all type of art !! is terrible at all of it : writing, panting, photography. but he loves it and he does it despite being bad and he tells people to do what they love !! and follow their dreams !!

his parents got a divorce when he was 7 and it was pretty bad. his dad was italian and moved back to italy shortly after. his mother was from kola and he stayed with her.

it was as if his world had fallen apart at that. bruno had never even seen his parents fight and then one day his father just moves out to Another Country he was pretty lost and confused

bruno moved back and forth between italy and the u.s. throughout most of his childhood and adolescence. never spending a lot of time in one place.

though his parents tried to remain friends after the divorce for his sake it never really worked out. his father wanted his mom back while his mother moved on and got married again.

growing up, he had a lot of trouble with accents and language. his father used to speak only italian at home. and his mother used to speak only english.

he developed a learning disability and a stutter after his parents got divorced

kids in school used to make fun of him. the way he talked and his name specially.

doesn’t stutter anymore but when he is talking about something that is hard to talk about, he talks really slowly to make sure the words come out properly

aesthetics — ukulele songs playing softly in a room with echo, piano recitals with ten people in the audience, walking around aimlessly, kissing greek statues, being happy that you are sad because it means that you are alive, cheering on others success, lacking ambition and living the present, old songs hummed in the shower, waking up early and staying in bed until 10am, cuddling under warm blankets, failing in love with a stranger, laughing loudly with new friends, white wine, beautiful paintings in an empty museum, admiring something for way too long,

ANTHONY MILLER looks an awful lot like JOSH DALLAS. HE is THIRTY NINE and while they’re PATIENT, they have a tendency to get pretty SELF-RIGHTEOUS. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to JACKIE AND WILSON by HOZIER.

inspired by ;; prince charming from once upon a time, ned stark from game of thrones, bob belcher from bob’s burgers

tw: cancer

cannot talk about his feelings . cannot accept his own mistakes . cannot show weakness . at any point. no matter the subject . cannot let anyone take care of him.

Must be the best at all times for everyone and take care of everyone

self-care is a myth anthony does not believe in

works too much

he needs glasses to read stuff but he pretends he doesn’t so he does that squinting and pulling things close to his face thing. at which point you would probably ask ‘anthony if you don’t want to wear glasses wouldn’t it be easier ? to just ? wear contact lenses ?’ and yes it would it definitely would but anthony likes to make things harder for himself

slow to anger but he has that temper that you literally cannot see coming. he looks serious and stoic and then wow thunderfucking storms breaking chairs and stuff

loves beers and american football

the type of person that says this generation is lost

might smoke too much but he doesn’t talk about that

he doesn’t talk about anything actually

although i love him with all my heart. i would not rec

there is a right way to do stuff and anthony as the holder of all the knowledge and morality Must tell you about it

rarely ever smiles bUT when he does ? smiles like a prince. if we had a royal verse he’d be the king of the entire universe honestly.

he was a oldest child in a family of 7. his parents were super wealthy and he was the One favorite child who both parents used to love and cherish and cheer on.

he got his high school sweetheart pregnant. his parents didn’t want him to marry her bc she was Poor and Not up to standards but he chose love over his family and got disowned for that. hasn’t talked to his family since

his dream life was always to have the perfect picket fence house and american dream type of family. it was supposed to be him, his wife, his son and maybe some day he would have a daughter and it would Be great

he and his wife had a son and they named him hendrix bc she loved rock and jimi hendrix and he loved the name even tho he never liked rock. but honestly ? he was so weak for her he would have loved the name lkgjdflajf if she suggested it

a few months after their first son was born tho she was diagnosed with cancer and a few months later she passed away

after that he raised his son by himself. he really threw himself into it. spent most of his life focused on it and work and now his son is going to college and he doesn’t know what to do with himself

the only person he ever Truly dated was his wife and then he just focused on his son and raising him so he never really allowed himself to date bc then he would have to introduce someone else to his son’s life and all that … sO anthony is usually all cool and fine and then you show romantic interest in him and there is like a visible shift ya know? like he goes from anthony to a truly profoundly awkward person trying to pretend it’s cool

aesthetics — organized work tables, color coded to-do lists, trying your very best at all times, mental exhaustion showing through physical symptoms, dad jokes and laughing by yourself, the smell of new books, comfort found in old libraries, forgetting your reading glasses at home, losing your temper and breaking something, old family photos lost somewhere in the attic, pushing someone else on a swing, sundays afternoons lost at the park, working extra hours instead of going home, cold breeze and hugging yourself to your jacket, trying to explain to someone why they are wrong when they don’t want to listen

#fckit:intro #okay i know some of those got really big but i have already played all of them somewhere else at some point so like #i had already developed them a bit

2 notes · View notes

admirablemushroom · 3 years

Text

chat with a stranger

[7:43 PM] ttd29: Tell me more about him [7:43 PM] ttd29: What is it that you like so much about this guy who doesnt respond to your needs? [7:43 PM] Theodore: ok so we met by playing dota2 together [7:44 PM] Theodore: he was a very nice guy who didn't scold me for feeding the enemies [7:44 PM] ttd29: Ok great start

[7:44 PM] Theodore: so for some reason i asked him his fb and we started to become friends [7:45 PM] Theodore: at the time i was dating a girl [7:45 PM] Theodore: i sent a few memes to him [7:45 PM] Theodore: u know, from r/suddenlygay, etc [7:46 PM] ttd29: Wait you’re bi? [7:46 PM] Theodore: you can say so... [7:46 PM] ttd29: Lol interesting [7:46 PM] ttd29: Anyway go on [7:47 PM] Theodore: i usually go by being gay in order to avoid surprise moments like this [7:47 PM] Theodore: anyway [7:47 PM] Theodore: we got closer and closer [7:48 PM] Theodore: i even asked him how to kiss a girl before i got that girl [7:48 PM] Theodore: then one day he was comfortable enof to admit that he's bi [7:49 PM] Theodore: and i eventually dumped my ex-gf bc i was an asshole [7:50 PM] Theodore: in my defense i felt tired to fake my masculinity [7:50 PM] ttd29: No need to defend yourself [7:50 PM] ttd29: At least you didnt cheat [7:50 PM] Theodore: then a few days later i met him in a coffee shop [7:50 PM] Theodore: that was our first meeting [7:51 PM] Theodore: and we started hanging out more often [7:51 PM] Theodore: after 2 meetings, we became boyfriends [7:53 PM] Theodore: ok after this point there was no major event [7:53 PM] Theodore: he also gave me a book 'call me by ur name' [7:53 PM] ttd29: How long did you guys date? [7:54 PM] Theodore: in the book, he signed "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" [7:54 PM] Theodore: the book has been given away to one of my friends [7:55 PM] Theodore: i can go on about how disgusting that book is but maybe another time [7:55 PM] Theodore: (not his fault, Andre aciman's fault) [7:55 PM] Theodore: then i took a 6-month exchange study [7:55 PM] Theodore: so we maintained our communication online [7:56 PM] Theodore: after getting back to vn, we went out together again [7:56 PM] Theodore: then we had arguments about this and that, i remember i was a pretty rude guy and i raised my tone a lot of times.... [7:57 PM] Theodore: must've been tiring for him to go thru all that [7:58 PM] Theodore: at the peak of the conflict, one day we were arguing about something i dont remember but pretty sure i started first [7:58 PM] Theodore: he left in the middle of the convo to play video games [7:58 PM] Theodore: which i was very angry and sad [7:59 PM] Theodore: but he also quit the match to talk to me [7:59 PM] Theodore: and u know, i was not a considerate person, i usually started a fight and made a fuss about anything [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when im stressed, i write a lot [8:00 PM] Theodore: and when i write a lot, whoever read it gets stressed too [8:01 PM] Theodore: ok i see u went offline lol, prolly u got stressed too [8:02 PM] ttd29: Lol relax [8:03 PM] ttd29: I just took a shower [8:04 PM] ttd29: And then after that what happened? [8:05 PM] Theodore: wait me, i need to finish the monstrosity i cooked [8:06 PM] ttd29: =))))) [8:06 PM] ttd29: Oke [8:20 PM] Theodore: ok so at one point i just straight up told him dont talk to me anymore [8:20 PM] Theodore: which i very regret til this day [8:21 PM] Theodore: after that text, he never answered me again [8:21 PM] Theodore: he didn't respond to anything [8:21 PM] Theodore: basically he ghosted me [8:21 PM] ttd29: For a year??? [8:22 PM] Theodore: yes [8:22 PM] Theodore: i had been through a lot of confusion, anger, self hate, regret, depression, you name it [8:22 PM] ttd29: And he never talked to you again until now? [8:23 PM] Theodore: i kept messaging him for months, until July last year i told him this would be my last text (it wasn't), which he also didnt read [8:24 PM] Theodore: and a few days ago my depression hit me so bad i had to bring up that shit again [8:24 PM] Theodore: this time i talked with a mutual friend of us [8:25 PM] Theodore: along the lines i told my fren that 'the only reason i haven't commit suicide is because my mom would be sad if i did' [8:25 PM] Theodore: my fren told my ex that i wanted to commit suicide... [8:25 PM] Theodore: -.- [8:25 PM] ttd29: Quào [8:25 PM] ttd29: Okay [8:26 PM] ttd29: Great friend [8:26 PM] ttd29: =)) [8:26 PM] ttd29: After that then what happened [8:27 PM] Theodore: anyway, i also sent him a few words that said 'i dont understand how things went wrong but im sure whatever my mistakes are, i am not deserved to be ghosted for a year like this' [8:27 PM] Theodore: after i filed a request to delete my fb account [8:27 PM] Theodore: so i told my fren find some way to make him read my last message before the account got deleted completely [8:28 PM] Theodore: actually he completed what i asked him to do, but the way he did it was a bit questionable wasn't it [8:28 PM] Theodore: in some way, he distorted what i said about suicide [8:29 PM] ttd29: Yeah that was totally not cool [8:29 PM] Theodore: anyway, my ex sent me an email to apologize bc i blocked him on all media [8:29 PM] Theodore: before i received the email, i felt like i was reborn [8:30 PM] Theodore: that i could finally give up the past and move on to the new chapter [8:30 PM] Theodore: but then... the email =.= [8:30 PM] Theodore: i just wanted him to read, i didn't want an answer anymore [8:30 PM] Theodore: it is too late for an answer [8:31 PM] Theodore: anyway i got stressed again and my emails sent to him got longer and longer [8:32 PM] Theodore: he eventually responded that he was super tired with this way of talking of mine and that's one of the reasons he gave up the relationship [8:32 PM] Theodore: i guess he had a point, i sometimes feel like im overdramatic about things [8:32 PM] Theodore: and yes when im stressed i'd write a lot and talk a lot [8:32 PM] ttd29: Yeah well [8:33 PM] ttd29: Now where are you guys? [8:33 PM] ttd29: Still exchanging emails? [8:33 PM] Theodore: so fast forward a few emails, i got friendlier and finally connected to him on discord [8:34 PM] Theodore: i dont really use discord but im not ready to reconnect with him on any other platform [8:34 PM] Theodore: so this is the choice [8:35 PM] ttd29: And you guys are talking normally now? [8:35 PM] Theodore: i guess??? idk, i dont feel that way [8:35 PM] Theodore: but, as i said, his mom is going thru cancer treatment [8:35 PM] Theodore: so he must be very busy and, in his words, he did not have the mental capacity for this [8:36 PM] Theodore: so yeah, although i really want to get back, i still feel like im chasing him [8:36 PM] ttd29: Okay got it [8:37 PM] Theodore: id been already texting to a ghost for almost a year, now i still have to try to get his attention [8:37 PM] Theodore: but [8:37 PM] Theodore: i cant blame him because who knows what his situation right now [8:37 PM] ttd29: Was about to ask why do you want to get back together but realize that’s a redundant question lol [8:38 PM] Theodore: here [8:38 PM] Theodore: also cuz he's cute so it's not that easy :frowning: [8:38 PM] ttd29: =))) [8:38 PM] ttd29: Lol [8:39 PM] ttd29: Cute guys are abundant out there waiting for you [8:39 PM] ttd29: Anyway [8:39 PM] Theodore: just enjoy my awkward humor amidst a stressful story [8:39 PM] ttd29: I kind of understand what you’re going through [8:39 PM] ttd29: Enough to know that you wont be rational right now lol [8:39 PM] Theodore: ... [8:39 PM] Theodore: thats disappointing [8:40 PM] ttd29: If i tell you he’s not the right guy for you, would you suddenly stop wanting him? [8:40 PM] ttd29: I don’t think so [8:41 PM] Theodore: that's what u think [8:41 PM] Theodore: this afternoon u said something that was quite impressing [8:41 PM] Theodore: but now it's not cuz i forgot [8:41 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [8:41 PM] ttd29: I said [8:41 PM] ttd29: It’s okay to miss someone [8:42 PM] Theodore: here [8:42 PM] ttd29: But you need to be rational enough to know whether they are good for you [8:42 PM] ttd29: That’s the more important part of the equation [8:43 PM] Theodore: it's so pity to give up such a beautiful story like that, i literally could turn it into a wattpad series which makes fangirls cry out every night [8:43 PM] Theodore: what we had together was so romantic and any relationship which came after was incomparable [8:44 PM] ttd29: This right here my fren [8:44 PM] ttd29: Is why every relationship comes after are not comparable [8:45 PM] ttd29: You havent fully dealt with your shit yet so everyone else are just rebounds [8:45 PM] ttd29: You think they would cure you, but you need to cure yourself first [8:45 PM] Theodore: i never found any friends that were so compatible with me like him, let alone a lover [8:46 PM] Theodore: for real, if i had great friends, i could have just turned to my friends and never given a shit about him [8:46 PM] Theodore: but i've always been a lonely person [8:47 PM] ttd29: Do you ever think [8:47 PM] ttd29: You’re so consumed by your pain, that you’re not letting your friends in? [8:47 PM] Theodore: ive been always like this since kindergarten [8:48 PM] ttd29: Like what? [8:48 PM] Theodore: alone [8:49 PM] ttd29: Lol it’s all connected together now [8:50 PM] ttd29: You’re always alone. So once you found someone who cares, you put wayyy too much pressure on that person to care for you [8:50 PM] Theodore: wow [8:50 PM] ttd29: So they cracked [8:51 PM] ttd29: Yeah [8:51 PM] ttd29: At least that’s the vibe I got from our conversations [8:52 PM] ttd29: And then you never really let anyone in to care for you after that person left. [8:52 PM] ttd29: I’m sure your friends really care about you. But you don’t tell them how they can help you so they must be frustrated as well [8:52 PM] ttd29: Hence the suicidal distortion thingy [8:53 PM] ttd29: Maybe they were concerned and wanted to help, but didnt know how to [8:54 PM] Theodore: hmmm [8:54 PM] Theodore: w8 me, im on a phone call w mum [8:54 PM] Theodore: brb [8:54 PM] ttd29: Oke [9:12 PM] Theodore: you are right about the whole thing [9:12 PM] Theodore: i wouldn't say i didn't let anyone care me after he left [9:13 PM] Theodore: it's just hard for me to connect with someone on that deep level [9:13 PM] Theodore: i used to be quite clingy around friends who i found compatible with me [9:14 PM] Theodore: but at the end of the day, i think it's important to know that they also have their own lives [9:14 PM] Theodore: so i dont really have friends anymore, cuz i feel like im bothering them [9:15 PM] ttd29: What is this deep level that you were able to connect with the guy? [9:15 PM] Theodore: yeah i have best friends here and there but i dont find myself comfortable as i was with my ex [9:17 PM] Theodore: he's both a best friend and a lover; we shared a lot of hobbies and favorite topics, ... and also i felt like he would always be there to lend me an ear, unlike a normal friend [9:17 PM] Theodore: which has been proved to be incorrect lol [9:17 PM] ttd29: Sounds like you need a hug lol [9:18 PM] Theodore: i really appreciate that u are staying here to listen to me [9:18 PM] Theodore: and u gave some very interesting insights that no one else did [9:18 PM] Theodore: prolly becuz they didn't care enof, or they just wanted to quickly conclude my problems so they could go to sleep [9:19 PM] ttd29: Haha i’m flattered [9:19 PM] ttd29: Idk you just sound like you really need to talk this out [9:20 PM] Theodore: and now that we're connected on discord, i kept getting mixed signals from him [9:20 PM] ttd29: I believe being able to talk about our problems always help [9:20 PM] Theodore: i'm a bit obsessed to discord recently and i found myself waiting for a dm from him [9:20 PM] Theodore: :neutral_face: [9:21 PM] ttd29: You know what your problem is? [9:21 PM] Theodore: i dont want to... you know... after all the shit ive been thru, i now have to continue waiting for him [9:21 PM] ttd29: You never really get a full closure from him [9:22 PM] ttd29: I mean he just ghosted you out of the blue. Then he only came back and apologized when he thought you were going to committ suicide [9:22 PM] Theodore: yes, please continue [9:22 PM] ttd29: You never got a sincere apology [9:23 PM] Theodore: you are right... [9:23 PM] ttd29: That’s why you’re so hung up [9:23 PM] ttd29: And you got your own problems to fix to [9:23 PM] ttd29: Starting from your “clinginess” [9:24 PM] ttd29: He’s not going to fix that problem for you [9:24 PM] ttd29: And if you guys got back together, you will eventually break up again, because the root of the problem was never resolved [9:24 PM] Theodore: you are right [9:25 PM] ttd29: I don’t want to tell you what to do. But you surely deserve an in-person, sincere apology from him, for leaving you in the worst way possible [9:26 PM] Theodore: i suppose [9:26 PM] Theodore: but he's in an emotional distress, so i cant really blame him, or expect anything from him [9:26 PM] Theodore: im thinking about ending this come-back plan from my side [9:27 PM] Theodore: i think he wont give a shit lol, because he also said we would still break up if none of us changed [9:28 PM] ttd29: Yeah so if he is aware of that [9:28 PM] Theodore: i really thought i had improved myself as a person after all the regret, but now that we found out that i still have a tendency to cling to people i care about and that makes them suffocated [9:28 PM] ttd29: And if he really did love you and respect you enough, he would understand you need this, Theodore. [9:29 PM] ttd29: This is your problem that you need to work on improving [9:29 PM] Theodore: need what? an apology? [9:29 PM] ttd29: Yes [9:29 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology [9:29 PM] ttd29: Not an “i only apologize because i think you’re going to commit suicide” [9:30 PM] Theodore: you are right, the moment i knew that was the reason he apologized, i was shocked and disappointed [9:30 PM] Theodore: shall i keep waiting for anything from him? [9:30 PM] ttd29: Just text him that [9:31 PM] Theodore: no, i dont want to [9:31 PM] ttd29: :))) if i were there, I would snatch the phone from you and text him myself [9:31 PM] Theodore: u seem like a cool friend to be around :)) [9:31 PM] ttd29: You said he was mature enough to know it’s not a good idea to get back together [9:32 PM] ttd29: So be it [9:32 PM] ttd29: But he must admit he was wrong [9:32 PM] ttd29: Wrong to treat you like that [9:32 PM] Theodore: i also asked him for an in-person meeting but he declined becuz he's busy with his mom [9:33 PM] Theodore: i think it will take a long time for him to get over that, and by that time he will have forgotten about me probably lol [9:33 PM] ttd29: Or via text, or via email or whatever. [9:33 PM] ttd29: Get him to apologize sincerely [9:34 PM] Theodore: he did apologize me multiple times [9:34 PM] ttd29: Okay fine [9:34 PM] ttd29: If you’re think they’re sincere then they are [9:34 PM] Theodore: even on discord, one time he asked me how i was doing and i told him about my depression and he apologized [9:34 PM] ttd29: But if they are not then you should get one [9:34 PM] ttd29: Omg no that’s not sincere [9:34 PM] ttd29: :slight_smile: [9:34 PM] Theodore: ??? its not [9:35 PM] Theodore: how do i know [9:35 PM] ttd29: Why must his apology always be connected to your mental state [9:35 PM] Theodore: he's not capable of writing dancing words like me [9:35 PM] Theodore: idk?? [9:35 PM] Theodore: so it's not sincere... [9:36 PM] ttd29: A sincere apology should be when you guys are both in normal state [9:36 PM] ttd29: And you know that he’s really sorry for what he did [9:37 PM] ttd29: Not just because he thinks saying sorry would make you not depressed/want to commit suicide/etc [9:37 PM] Theodore: got it [9:37 PM] Theodore: aww fren thanks for helping me realize it [9:38 PM] Theodore: maybe i still have feelings for him and want us to be back so i did put the bar quite low for an apology [9:38 PM] ttd29: Lol I need to consider becoming a mental therapy [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah to be frank I don’t think getting back together is a good idea [9:39 PM] ttd29: You need to deal with your emotional baggage first [9:39 PM] Theodore: okay [9:39 PM] Theodore: so no waiting for him [9:39 PM] ttd29: Yeah!!!! [9:39 PM] ttd29: Work on yourself [9:40 PM] Theodore: ok... [9:40 PM] Theodore: haizzz... [9:40 PM] Theodore: such a beautiful story

0 notes

misfitgirlonanisland · 3 years

Text

New Year’s Resolutions 2021

i’m writing this post with my belly full from one of my countless binge eating series i had this year.

well folks, i know nobody is gonna care to read this post, but i kinda promised myself to do it for my own wellbeing: writing something down is better than just thinking bc i know myself too damn well, i will procrastinate and never take the time for a good face to face talk with said person here (mind to mind talk could do better, to be fair)...anyways, i was getting lost in trivia comments here, let’s get to the point.

There is no easy way to say this but looking back this year has been a failure, i have been a failure. after spending one semester abroad where i had the time of my life and i was loving myself like never before, i was feeling myself, i came back and what did i decided to do? be depressed. and this was even before the whole corona virus damned thing. so i came back and i hated my life, every possible thing i had in my old and boring and monotone life: i hated my place, my town, my life, i hated the chains that tied me to this reality of things and in this world i was forced to live in i even hated myself. i thought it was normal, i told myself i should be gentle and give myself time to realize how golden were the times i had overseas, that that one was a fairytale and i got my call of midnight...well i had no time to adjust to my sucky reality that the pandemic started to blow up. so before i even understood a thing, we were all in this big giant and apocalyptic scenario. i had two weeks of normal everyday life and then the lockdown. OKAY, thank you Jesus, if you hated me you could have just said so... i had to go back home. my depression already kicked in, i came back fat as a pig and at home, where i was even sadder and felt more claustrophobic and lost i kept gaining weight, binge eating the crap out of my shelves.

Result: stretch marks, big and red stretch marks on my inner thighs. now i love stretch marks, but those were a wake up call for me: i always had changes in weight but never this serious... i looked at myself and i wouldn’t even recognize the reflection anymore. i was doing nothing all day, when instead i had to study and work on my assessment for my graduation. i risked my graduation. i was just shocked with myself and began to feel really uncomfortable with my mind: i thought that i have these big dreams and plans for my future but maybe i am not strong enough, not motivated enough. maybe i got it all wrong...

i rebuilt myself: FUCK MY LITTLE BRAIN, FUCK ME! i screamed in my head, i am way stronger than this. i need to get it straight, i need to get it right, i’ve worked my ass off before and i can do it again. i deserve this and i am not gonna throw it all, i am not gonna screw this up!

well...it worked! i was back on track: i started living like a normal and functional human being, i started exercising daily and lost weight, i was feeling strong and regain some mental stability, i felt confident enough to go out and feel kinda fine. i got a friend who helped me get up in the morning, he would call me every morning and hear my rocky morning voice when i confused as fuck don’t even know my name. we would study all day together (skyping like in the early 2000s) and chatting, laughing, i really love him and i am so grateful to have him in my life. my other best friend, well with her i had a pretty rough time with her last semester, but we prepared together our chinese exam and, God, we were on fire. finally my best shrink and adviser, i always run to her whenever i am a wreck cause i know she won’t ever, once, judge me, my kpop queen, she kept me sane, safe and loved. i got past the semester, i got my graduation with full marks and got to pass every fucking admission test for the masters i wanted to attend. each one that i tried, each one of them...i thought i would be happy with what i did, i had to be happy: i mean, i was doing fine! i even had a summer flirt (veeeery brief but you know, it always boosts your confidence a bit)

WHAT WAS I MISSING?

Well...i still have no answer to that!

to be completely honest i was still insecure about my appearance and body, but that i had it all planned: going back to uni for me means going back to a “healthy” lifestyle and it always pays in image, i always feel better and consequently treat me better, like if i were some kind of princess.

So as happy and with my hopes high i start in September this new chapter of my life.

i was doing okay at the beginning: i mean i knew somethings changed, but i got in the master i always wanted and hoped for, i was getting thinner, i was then feeling more confident and i even got to be the crush of a guy who seriously was dying to see me every time he had a chance, i tighten this bond i had with some friends in uni and i love them, i do...but something cracked inside of me

i started to feel all this pain, numbness and void i couldn’t fill with anything. not enough cigarettes or food could help me, but did worse instead. at the beginning it was a matter of some sporadic days, then it lasted for longer and it occurred oftener...to the extent in a month i was counting with my very own hands the days i felt like i could live a normal life. with the second lockdown i decided to stay in my college city, alone at home and this was on one hand a blast, sick in a very positive way, on the other hand i had the freedom to behave like i wanted. so i lost myself various times, i thought about the sense of living, i thought i was not meant for this life, that i had not enough tools or capabilities to survive this lifetime of my own. i didn’t recognize what i wanted to do in life, i didn’t recognize what was i even doing and who i was. the days were just passing by, each one of them the same. i didn’t even care to bother what was the time, what the weather outside was like. i was just spending my life in bed and in the kitchen eating everything passed through my wicked mind.

there i recognized i may be suffering from something a bit too big for my bare self only. but who wanted to go to someone and admit to have once again been defeated at life? not me, not now. no sir! i can do it on my own, i thought...and i was wrong, again.

“get up you undefined mass of lard and bones, get your shit together and do something”. this helped me that time i was beaten pretty bad, after a week and a half i spent in bed, not even having the strength to shower. i got up, eventually, and i did fine. i thought i was doing it again, “who needs to seek help?! i got me, i know how to behave, i know what to do, don’t need nobody but me to get back on track”

and two weeks after another breakdown

and then again, after three/four days, Sergeant G is back! i checked upon myself once again and got back on my feet ready to fight another battle.

i am tired and ashamed, i have to admit i am losing this war. every time i get up i fall, and it takes me more energy every time to believe in myself. i don’t even know how to walk straight anymore, i just know somehow i am gonna trip again.

here i am, dear G, it’s almost 6am, it’s the 31st December 2020 and you have not taken a shower since Xmas’s Eve. It’s not important how i ended up here writing to you, or even how bad i’ve been feeling these days. what’s past is in the past, i told myself i would give me until the new year so i know i am also taking advantage of that...anyways again i am talking too much.

the deal is: you gotta get your life back and we understood you cannot do that alone. i have the exams coming so for now i need to be focused and concentrated on those. after that i am gonna search for someone who can help me understand what’s going on in that head of mine.

it’s been way too long since i last truly enjoyed being myself and being alive. i want to be happy again and laugh again until i cry and feel alive again, i want to fall in love with who i am and with every little thing that makes being alive a gift.

these are my goals:

1. unfortunately my first thought goes to my exams: GOD give me enough mental health to prepare them and pass them

2. fix yourself and love yourself

3. be grateful for what you have and for the opportunities life gives everyday

4. dedicate more time to what makes you you

5. don’t hate yourself over food

6. laugh

7. love

8. enjoy the little things

9. embrace the challenges of life

10. find your way back to you

11. travel

12. dream

13. fight for what you love and for what’s right

14. be kind

15. read more

16. sharpen your cinematic culture| make yourself one

17. don’t stress over what was yesterday and what can be tomorrow, live the present: day by day

18....

these are just some of the simple rules i wanna live by starting from tomorrow. they’re not imperative, some days i can forget to follow them, some days are just big fat NOs, i have to accept it and move on.

until then, be brave little and sick G, see you in 2021, stay alive!

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ataraxetta · 7 years

Text

Good morning, Starshine! I hope you are all having a wonderful day free of stress and full of happiness!

And now the real reason I’m here: since posting this gifset of how terrifying the Six summons must be for Noct to experience (bc Noct/pain/anguish is my OT3), I have gotten asks about how I made the gifs and got the Astrals to appear in game so I could snag video. I have about eleven different ones in my inbox now so I figured I would just make a hopefully user-friendly post to consolidate things. Also wow, you guys, that is probably the most traffic I’ve ever gotten on a post you guys are great thank you 😊

I did kind of answer some of your questions awhile back in this post here, but sadly there is no good trick for getting the Astrals to appear. I really did just spend hours running around in one of my lower level saves letting everyone die until they showed up. Howevs, because I’ve seen it mentioned a lot in tags on that gifset that I shamelessly read all of, I do want to like go and ahead and HASHTAG#CONFIRM that Titan is by far the Rarest of them all and A Shy Boy. To put the level of Rarest of Them All I’m talking about into perspective, Leviathan - who can only be summoned near a body of water - showed up in the middle of the goddamn desert outside Hammerhead three times before I got Titan once. “But Ayla!” you ask, “HOW did you get him to appear?”

GOOD QUESTION. THE ANSWER: I WASTED HOURS OF MY ACTUAL REAL LIFE. Following in my footsteps is not suggested. To finally get his cantankerous ass to grace my poor boys with his presence I went to Formouth, let those level 80 walker things kill the bros, and then set the game to easy so carbuncle would revive Noct whenever he died, and let the level 80 things kill him over and over and over again while I worked from home one day until upon the rapid approach of Noct’s 74279084675486th death, the summon music started playing and lo and behold, a wild Titan appeared. So Noct had a really bad day and I still feel guilty about that, and the video that I got is actually pretty shitty, quality wise, but it is my precious and I feel like I should get a medal for it and several awards elsewise. It’s not even an actual accomplishment on my part and I am still filled with pride for my Titan vids. This game, man. Of course after I was done with him the prick immediately showed up again in the Vesperpool, of all places, so whatever, you thrice-damned pissbaby quake monster, I guess the high ground (and low ground, and all ground) is still yours. In my main save, which is over 400 hours, I still haven’t gotten the Titan summon, to which I say 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻

Anyway! Yes I got vids, and it took a long time, and it probably wasn’t really worth it but since I did it please god use them, help validate their existence. They are totally up for grabs if you want to make your own gifs or caps or edits or just look at them because the summons in this game really are so cool. I posted them individually to Tumblr, those posts are:

Titan (both versions)

Shiva

Ramuh

Leviathan

I actually got like 4 of Shiva and 3 of Leviathan (and weirdly only the 1 of Ramuh, but getting Ramuh to appear is cake, baby, so that’s okay), but only posted one of each for them, so if you guys want to see the others/want them for gif making or edits or w/e just let me know I will upload.

If you really really want to get your own vids, the post I linked way up top is kind of a general rundown of how I went about baiting them all, but it’s really mostly luck. The only other thing I will mention is that you should always save before you summon one and then go reload once it happens, because there’s a wait period between one summon and another that varies and is annoying and makes only a modicum of sense like most of this ridiculous tire fire of a game that I inexplicably and passionately love to the depths of my soul. *Kanye shrug*

(PRO FFXV-FISHING TIP: same rule applies for the carp pond. catch one, save, reload! It will cut your war with the carp by figurative years and literal hours).

So I think that’s it. Thank you for your time. And uh The End.

#ffxv #i don't even know how to tag this #ffxv summons #ffxv astrals #lots of:#anon #ask

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couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name · 7 years

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what's another embarrassing story you have?

Alright let’s talk about my last day of high school.

So like, my school had this program where seniors could actually leave school like a month and a half early and work as interns for people in the neighborhood or something (Senior Study? Community Study? I forget what it was called). Most people did it because, hey, getting out of school early AND if you did it you didn’t have to take final exams- but some people chose not to and some couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it because, I think I had too many detentions (long story)? I don’t remember if that was the reasoning, but I didn’t actually wanna apply in the first place because the idea sounded lowkey terrifying to me at the time for whatever reason. So anyway, our grade had suddenly dropped from like hundreds of kids to like, maybe 15-20 something. So, naturally, everyone left had even more of ‘Kings of the School/Senior Privilege’ attitudes than usual. We were mostly just dicking around at this point.

So basically, all the classes that were just seniors were like…anywhere from 2 to 5 people max. So the teachers kinda stopped paying attention too, and didn’t really even seem to realize who was there and who wasn’t. And high school was such an…exhausting time in my life that I was thrilled with this, I just wanted it to die already.

So we get to my final day, and I am relaxed to the max. All I had to worry about that day was my fifteen minute “Fault In Our Stars” play for Theater last period. I slept through most of my other classes, or texted my friends from other schools, or read, or ate candy. It was a great day. And after how tiring, stressful, and emotionally overwhelming high school had been, I was really loving this as my last day. I deserved this for my last day, you know? A nice, calm memory!

So, I’m in my forensics class, and it’s maybe 15 minutes to the bell but I was worried I might have had a chemical on my hand, so I asked to go to the bathroom. Mistake one: Not just waiting to go until after class. Mistake two: Leaving my phone in my bag instead of slipping it in my pocket.

So I go to the bathroom, it was like down two halls and on the corner kinda. I could see the doors that lead to the stairs on both ends, and the elevator, and the door to the upstairs gym from the entrance. I go in, wash my hands and I start to walk back out.

And the fucking alarm goes off.

Not the fire alarm, the “We have a gunman in the school” alarm. We were in full fucking lockdown.

Before I can even fucking react, All the doors are slammed closed. There’s a rule that teachers have to lock the door and cover it and not open it for anybody but the principal who knows a secret knock code, which I didn’t know. The doors to the stairways were closed, the gym was probably locked, and I wasn’t gonna risk an elevator. So I ran back into the deserted bathroom.

Now, here’s the thing- usually, when there’s a lockdown or a lockdown drill, comes over the loudspeaker and says whether it’s real or not, and if it’s a drill we’ll have been notified it was going to happen because the teachers tell us. My forensics teacher didn’t even give me a hall pass, so he clearly hadn’t been anticipating this. My school had only had an actual, real life lockdown once, and that ended up being a false alarm- it was right after Sandy Hook, someone looked on the grainy security camera to see some boys holding an umbrella like it was a gun, people panicked. Right now there was no announcement, just the alarms blaring, so I was freaking out.

And then I start fucking hearing someone pounding down the halls.

And I’m just like…not fucking today. I do not deal with all this bullshit just to die on my last God damn day of school. We are not doing this, Satan!

So some surge of need for survival that I’ve never experienced blasted through me, right? So I fucking run into one of the stalls, and brace my back against the wall, with one foot up on the toilet bowl and one foot on the paper dispenser, and my arms against the door and the far wall, so that when someone came in to see if people were in there, they looked under the doors and didn’t see any feet. The person eventually left but I didn’t get down because the alarm was still going.

I need you guys to understand how hard this was though. Like, first, I had to keep my head and neck at a painful angle so my hair wouldn’t be visible over the top of the stall. Also, I have like, a lot of back problems, and bad ankle, and shitty knees (I’m literally an 80 year old man), so to hold this position for 40 minutes as I ended up having to do was quite a fucking feet let me tell you.

And I was so fucking terrified while this was going on too. At this point I’m positive it’s not a drill, because those last 15 minutes tops. I didn’t have my phone on me so I couldn’t text anyone to see if they knew what was going on. Someone is still walking around and banging on doors, and I’m certain it’s not a police officer because wouldn’t they be talking???

And then all the sudden, the alarm shits off??? And the principal comes over and is like “Everything’s fine go to class” WITH NO GOD DAMN EXPLANATION, and I hear people moving through the halls and loudly freaking out about what just happened, and I am forced to come to terms with the fact my body has ceased up I literally can’t get out of this position. Oh my God.

Finally, after like ten minutes of using my one moveable leg to kick the wall in hopes of getting someone’s attention, some random girl comes in and hears me. She deadass had to climb under the stall and open the door to get it open before helping me down. She was cracking the fuck up the entire time and her friends who were using the other stalls were demanding to know what was going on like. Holy shit.

(side note: apparently it was a bomb threat but they ended up finding no evidence of anything in the school. Although, like? Wouldn’t you want to remove people from a building before looking for a bomb? Is that just me?)

So that was well and good, but then??? I guess she mentioned it to her older brother who was in my gov class??? Because next thing I know all the remaining seniors and some junior boys were going “YEAH JAVERTS A CHAMPION” and cracking up whenever they saw me that day. And like, I can appreciate the humor in it and was like “Oooh yeah I #SURVIVED” and all that but I was just. Cringing so hard the entire day. I only thought to respond to your ask with this story bc someone just messaged me about it on facebook. I’m never stepping inside a high school again omfg.

#send me asks guys!!#lol #true story #asks #molly mumbles

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gingerstarburns · 7 years

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I just realized that the post I wrote earlier sounded a bit like I was recommending smoking as a mean to sleep better and...guys. NO. Absolutely not. You can take up smoking for any number of reasons and I won’t judge you for it, but DO NOT take it up as some kind of “remedy” for insomnia bc someone on the internet said it worked! Everyone reacts differently to it and it might make things worse for you and then it’ll be really hard to stop. And, like. Smoking IS bad. I’ve been smoking on and off for the past 2-3 years, so it’s nothing new for me, but if you can avoid starting, don’t start. (My off was mainly my father saying “if you’ll stop I’ll stop”) (And then he didn’t) (Even when he was diagnosed with cancer) (Which is practically gone at this point but, still, dumb move). If I choose this way to deal with my mental illnesses, that’s on me. And smoking is still waaaay better than the other self harming tendencies I used to have, and I really don’t want to pick those up again.

Anyway! If any of you have sleeping problems that are interfering with your ability to do things during the day, you should definitely talk to your medic. They’ll first start with more “light” remedies (which take time to actually work, so be patient at first!) and if those don’t do anything they’ll probably switch to some sleep meds. Do not feel guilty for needing those! They can really help you enjoying your life!

But if your sleeping problems aren’t that bad, or you don’t want to build a tolerance (esp with benzodiazepines), or you’re already taking meds and just need an extra kick (esp in the last two cases you should still talk abt it with your medic), here are some “““natural””” remedies that worked out for me:

1) Aromatherapy! You can put some kind of diffuser in your room (try to avoid anything that burns, esp if you have breathing problems), but the method I found works best it to fill a spray bottle with water, add some drops of essential oil, shake it well and then spray it on your pillow/duvet before getting ready for bed. Some oils that work really well are: lavender (the best for sleeping, but it’s a strong smell and not everyone likes it), menthol/eucalyptus (my absolute favourite, it will make your bed smell super fresh even if it’s not exactly clean), lemon/sweet orange/verbena (if you like a more zesty smell, these also work great for stress).

2) Physical activity! If you can, moving around during the day will help you be more tired at night and fall asleep faster. It doesn’t have to be anything taxing, just a small walk will do! If you’re not used to exercise, start with a 15 minutes slow walk, then keep adding a bit more everyday. Do not exert yourself and absolutely stop if you’re in pain (once you know your limits you’ll know when to stop BEFORE you’re in pain, which is way better for your body). I now try to take at least a 30 minutes walk everyday, but I used to do it for 2-3 hours. It also did wonders for my back hernia. And bring a water bottle with you!

3) Turn off your devices! Ok, I’ll tell the truth: this is something I never managed to achieve bc I am Weak. But avoiding electronics (including tv) for 2-3 hours before going to bed would be best. There is also an app called Twilight which will gradually add red tones to your screen as night approaches (bc blue tones are supposed to keep you active and awake). (HAHA TUMBLR)

4) Valerian! You can either buy an infusion or, if you don’t like the taste, pills. It’s a common herb, I can usually find it both at the pharmacy and the grocery store.

5) Integrators! I only have experience with melanin and magnesium, and the second one is def better for me (it also helps with a lot of other things, like muscle cramps, mentrual cramps, pms, stress, etc...). If you can find and afford pure magnesium carbonate, go for that, but be aware that it’s gonna be expensive. Every night, rougly 2 hours before going to sleep, put two teaspoons in a glass of warm water, stir it until it dissolves completely (the water needs to become perfectly clear) and drink it. Give it a couple weeks to work properly tho. (If you can track your period, you can add another teaspoon the week before it’s supposed to start. Mine always sneaks up on me so it’s no use.)

6) Good eating habits! Another thing I half ass bc of my lack of will. Try to have a light dinner (esp cutting back on the carbs, save those for lunch) (also, light doesn’t mean “small”, don’t ever go to bed hungry bc you’ll either be unable to sleep or you will creep back in the kitchen at 3am to make instant ramen). There are some things that definitely should be avoided during the evening, which...I absolutely cannot remember. But there are also things that will help you sleep! A good to-go smoothie is banana, peanut butter and almond milk. The only thing that I practice is not drinking/eating anything with caffeine after 4pm. (2pm would be better, but what the hell I work with coffee. You can’t ask that of me.)

Obviously there are many more, but these are the ones I tested and found that worked for me. I heard people saying great things abt crystals and acupuncture (which I tried, but needles are a big NOPE for me), but I really don’t know anything abt those. If you have something to add or if I said some bullshit and you want to correct me, feel free to add to this post! For example, I have zero experience with methods specific to disabled people or anyone with chronic pain or mobility problems or even with mental illnesses different from mine (I have bipolar type 2, anxiety and executive dysfunction, as well as being a maladaptive daydreamer, so for those things all of the above should work just fine), and I’d love if someone could add something in that regard!

Sleep well cuties! <3

#mental illness #insomnia #sleeping problems

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