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angryschnauzer · 3 years

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Waited So Long

Summary: As an actress in her mid 20′s you had been lucky enough to get the roles you pushed yourself for, but one role in particular needs a scene you have no experience with; a sex scene, and you co-star is surprised to discover you are still a virgin even though you are in your mid 20′s. But he’s willing to help with whatever you need.

Trope: Friends to Lovers, Co-stars to Lovers Pairing: Henry Cavill x Female Reader

Warnings: NSFW, 18+, loss of virginity, oral sex, fingering, vaginal sex, protection/condoms.

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Waited So Long

Henry sat at the large table, grinning and laughing as the rest of the cast had finished reading through the latest episode’s script. Everyone was in a good mood and that was down to the fact that tomorrow’s shooting schedule required just you and Henry, meaning that everyone else got a three day weekend. But… but you were just staring at the script. You knew it had been coming, but to see the words in front of you, the stage descriptions, it was overwhelming.

The Netflix special was ten episodes of a sci-fi series, and you played an alien warrior. Henry was the plucky human astronaut that had been aboard the International Space Station when it had been sucked into a black hole and had ended up on the far side of the universe. Eight episodes into the filming schedule and the pivotal sex scene was about to be included, and that’s what was clouding every thought in your mind.

You were far from naive, you had no issue with your costume or even the nudity - you were after all painted purple with patches of ‘scales’ in strategic parts - but it was the fact you had a small secret that was making you so nervous; you hadn’t ever actually had sex.

You were already mid 20’s, you’d been through university and stage school, worked on broadway and the London west end, you’d modelled for artists and had always put your career first. Relationships had just fizzled away after the first couple of dates because of your acting schedule… and that is how you found yourself not only a virgin in her mid 20’s, but one that had never even laid in bed with a partner, been close, felt the weight of a lover on top of them… anything at all.

The producers called it a wrap for the read through, and the sounds of chairs scraping on the floor filled the room. As people shot their empty plastic bottles into the trash you felt your stomach lurch, quickly leaving the room, finding the disabled bathroom and running to the toilet, the contents of your stomach very quickly coming back up.

Finally empty, you sat on the floor and rested your head against the wall, your mind spinning. A quiet knock at the door made you open one eye, watching as the unlocked door swung open and a familiar face peered round;

“Are you ok?” Henry asked, his bulk almost filling the entire doorway; “You’re not coming down with something?”

You shook your head;

“No, just umm… nerves… haha…” you laughed rather awkwardly.

Stepping into the room, he sat against the opposite wall, leaning forwards to hand you his half finished bottle of water;

“... about tomorrow?”

Taking a sip of water you nodded;

“Bit pathetic really, isn’t it?”

“Not at all. Is this your first onscreen love scene?”

“Yeah”

He sat forwards, resting his hands on his knees as he thought pensively for a moment;

“Are you going out with the crew tonight?”

“No. Can’t really face it”

“How about I drive us back to the house and order some chinese and talk things through? This isn’t my first love scene but I remember the nerves. We’ll get everything out in the open so the air is clear ready for tomorrow, yeah?”

Nodding, you watched as he stood, holding out his hand for you and helping you to your feet.

The drive back to the shared house that most of the main cast members were staying at was fun, Henry having linked his Spotify to the stereo, firing up a playlist of old school pop with an eclectic mix of metal. By the time he rolled into the large driveway that the rental house had, you were both yelling out the words, laughing and grinning.

Once inside you excused yourselves to go shower, twenty minutes later finding Henry in the kitchen. His hair was wet and he wore a t-shirt and pair of sweatpants as he looked over the chinese menu;

“What do you fancy?” he asked and you tried not to blurt out what you were thinking, because even though you may be a virgin, your thoughts were far from pure.

Looking over the list he had already scribbled down, you pointed to a couple of dishes, watching as he added them to the list before dialling for delivery.

Pushing your plate away you stretched out and groaned. Still shovelling egg fried rice into his mouth, Henry pointed his fork at your plate;

“Roo dun?” he asked, his cheeks full like a hamster.

“Help yourself!”

He eagerly dumped the rest of your lemon chicken on top of his rice, jabbing at the pieces;

“Hey, about tomorrow… you really don’t need to worry. It’s just going to be you and me, and three other people”

Taking a sip of your beer you quietly snorted;

“That’s still three more people that would ‘usually’ be there… and four more than i’ve ever experienced”

He paused, setting his fork down and you could see his mind working through what you said;

“So uhh, it's been a while…?”

“To be honest, it's been never”

It was like something short circuited in his brain;

“Never never? Like, never?”

Putting your beer down, you fiddled with the label;

“I’m a virgin. I’ve never had sex. I’ve never even slept with anyone”

There was an awkward silence, the air tense before Henry finally spoke;

“Is it a religious thing?”

You shook your head;

“No. I just have been so wrapped up in studying or working or being on stage… I would get two dates into a relationship and some big opportunity would come up. I would get blinkered and end up ghosting guys without even realising. Ambition got in the way of a love life…”

Henry took a deep breath;

“Ok. So you know i’ll be covered up… down there i mean… and so will you… so there won’t be any slips or anything. I won’t be inside you or anything…”

Cocking an eyebrow you scoffed;

“Henry… I know you won’t be inside me. We studied sex scenes at stage school. They gave us the practical run down of what happens. It's lots of rubbing and grunting. I just need to go watch some porn again to figure out what to grunt…” you took a sip of your beer; “... and you probably wouldn’t fit inside me anyway… it’s not like anything has ever breached that hole”

Henry sat with a wide eyed look on his face, his jaw hanging slack;

“So you… you’ve never even pleasured yourself?”

“Of course i have!” you threw a prawn cracker at him; “I’ve just never…. You know… had internal stimulation…”

“Wow” he muttered quietly, shifting in his seat; “So…” he started again but then stopped, his brain seemingly unable to string a coherent sentence together.

Finally he cleared his throat;

“So there’s never been any on set stuff?”

“Nope. Usually I run through my lines for the next day, check the schedule, the set and makeup call times. I guess the one bonus about all of this is that there aren’t any lines for tomorrow”

You both knew that the scene had been set up without dialogue, mostly from Netflix’s instruction because any erotic scenes can cause havoc with sensors in some countries when it comes to subtitles.

“What did you want to do now? Do you want an early night? Watch a movie? Talk? You want me to lay on top of you?” he asked, picking his now cold plate of food up and dumping the leftovers in the waste disposal.

“Yes” you replied far too quickly.

“Which part?”

“All of it”

With the TV in the main living area out of action thanks to a rather rambunctious game of ping pong a few weeks ago, the pair of you had moved to Henry’s room. An hour into the movie and it was far from your thoughts, instead you were in the bizarre situation where Henry was literally laying on top of you as you had a conversation. The feeling of his weight pressing against you was at first a surprise, he was thick with muscles for the role, and with probably 200lbs of human pressing you against the mattress you had found you would have to shift now and again. Finally you found a position that was comfortable, and as you chatted about life you found your legs had naturally parted to allow him to lay between them, his stomach pressing to yours, his face inches from your own;

“This is literally how we’ll be spending our day tomorrow you realise” he quietly pointed out

“But there will be grunting too… plus some thrusting… it’ll probably get your ass in the gossip magazines as best ass in hollywood again” you teased him, knowing that the nudity he’d done in previous shows and movies had earned him a lot of attention thanks to his rather peachy behind.

Henry pushed up a little, poking a finger to your breasts;

“Oh yeah? Well these will earn you a whole legion of fans, you have an awesome pair of tits”

“Pfft, they’re just average”

“They’re good enough to give me a semi” he countered with a crooked grin on his face, using his finger to just tug at your neckline, exposing a tiny bit more skin.

You shifted beneath him without even realising you were doing so and that’s when you felt it, a growing hardness pressing against your abdomen. Your eyes went wide as you stared up at him, the mix of emotions showing on his face;

“I’ll get off…”

“No!” you instinctively wrapped your legs around his, leaning your head up and pressed a kiss to his lips. He let out a grunt of surprise and you felt him tense, before he softened, his lips following yours as you pulled rested your head back on the duvet beneath you.

His lips were soft and plump, and as he rocked his hips against you again this time you felt he was getting harder. Instinctively you gasped, and he took the opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth. You may not have had sex before but you had kissed, and your tongue danced with his as hands started to explore each others bodies, fingers seeking out skin as t-shirts were tugged up to expose heated skin.

Pulling your shirt over your head he admired your naked chest, the pattern on your top having hidden the fact you were without a bra;

“Oh yeah, even purple these’ll be popular”

With a smirk on his lips and a wicked grin on his face he lowered his mouth to your naked torso, taking one peaked nipple between his lips to suck on it, his hand cupping your other breast. As he worked his magic your body responded, the wetness between your thighs soaking through your clothing, the subtle movements of your bodies rubbing together making your arousal almost uncontrollable. Winding your hands into his dark locks, the soft hair curled around your fingers as he looked at you, pressing a trail of kisses down your sternum until he reached your leggings;

“Can i continue?” he asked quietly, watching as you nodded your head;

“Yes… please…”

As he pulled your leggings off he pressed kisses to the heated skin that he revealed, never breaking eye contact;

“So here’s what i’m going to do… first i’m going to get you to cum with my tongue, i’ll slip it just a little inside you so you can get used to the feeling, then i’ll gently tease you with my fingers; find that g-spot of yours as i’ve been assured a g-spot orgasm is completely different from a clitoral orgasm…

“Fuck…”

“Yes, that’s the third thing…” he grinned at you; “Once you’re nice and ready, and really really wet i’m going to make love to you… so you can practice your moans for tomorrow…”

He shed you of the rest of your clothing before softly grasping your legs and pulling them apart, revealing your virgin core. Tender fingers parted your petals before his tongue swiped a wide stripe through them, and the sound that emerged from your throat startled even you.

“You like that?”

“Yes… oh my god, please do that again!”

“With pleasure!”

“The pleasure is all mine…”

“Henry?”

“Yes?”

“Please shut up and get on with it” you grinned at him, before he dipped his face back between your legs and went to town. His tongue was seemingly everywhere, grunts and moans as he worked you open, and when he slipped his tongue into the ring of muscle at your entrance your eyes shot open and you giggle-moaned at the unfamiliar but not unpleasant experience. When a finger found your clit you relaxed again, laying back and enjoying the pleasure he was selflessly giving you.

Gripping at the bedcovers you found your hips started to move on their own, only for Henry to press a strong arm across your stomach to hold you in place, pushing you closer and closer to your orgasm. When it finally did hit your body reacted instinctively; your legs wrapping themselves around his head, your back arching and your fingers almost tearing through the fabric of the sheets, before you finally went limp. As your mind was nothing but stars a muffled voice came through the haze of your post orgasmic bliss;

“If i could get some oxygen…”

Not realising your legs were still firmly wrapped around Henry’s head, you quickly released him, his head popping up from beneath your thighs. His cheeks were flushed red and his chin was wet, and it took you a moment to realise you were the cause for the wetness. He wiped his chin with the back of his hand before standing and grabbing a bottle of water to pass to you;

“You’re gonna need to rehydrate after that…”

You went to take the bottle from him but the bulging tent in his sweatpants distracted you, your hand pausing mid air before Henry laughed;

“Drink first, then you can play with it”

“Oh… I… “

“Drink”

Taking the bottle you sipped at the tepid liquid as he lay on the bed beside you. When you’d finished he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you to his firm chest before kissing you softly;

“Are you ready for round two?”

“Can i touch you too?”

A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth before he nodded, watching as you eased the elastic of his sweats down and his heavy cock sprang free. Your jaw fell as you took in his size, but before you could overthink it he pressed a kiss to your lips as his hands wandered between your thighs.

Reaching out you wrapped your fingers around him as his own slid between your folds, dancing over your clit before he pressed a single digit inside you, your eyes going wide and your hand squeezing him involuntarily.

“Does that feel good?”

You nodded;

“Yes, a little strange that i’m not in control, but i think that’s what makes it even more exciting”

“That’s good… now, how about another finger?”

Nodding again you bit your lip as he slid a second finger in alongside the first, your eager hole stretching around his digits. Instinctively you had started to move your hand up and down his shaft, doing little more than gentle movements, but soon the pair of you got into a rhythm, working together to leave your breaths in time with the others.

“Doing so well for me… so wet. Shall we try a third?”

Nodding you let out a quiet ‘uh-huh’ as he repositioned his hand, carefully sliding three fingers into your soaked velvet channel, and the noise that came from your throat was base and full of sin. When his thumb started to rub against your clit while he continued to work three fingers inside you the spring in your belly snapped and you were coming hard, shaking around his hand.

As you came down from your high Henry carefully withdrew his fingers, salaciously licking them clean before he got off the bed and went to the drawer in the little cabinet, pulling out a condom.

“Oh… i’m on the pill…” you blurted out; “You don’t have to… In fact i’d really like to feel you, you know… bare…”

Tearing the packet open he grinned at you;

“I get that… but you’re gonna be in makeup in less than 12 hours” he knelt on the bed as he started to roll the latex down his angry dick.

“Umm yeah?”

“Well its something you’d only know from experience, but it can take up to 24 hours for a guys cum to fully leak out of you”

“Oh…”

“And your costume and makeup gets pretty intimate, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah…”

“So you want Iris in makeup to be able to smell my cum dripping out of you when she’s painting your snatch purple tomorrow?” he said with a grin on his face, rolling the condom down fully before positioning himself between your legs

“I gotta be honest, the idea that someone realises i’ve had sex is kinda kinky” you craned your neck up to kiss him as you felt his dick notch at the entrance to your cunt; “But you’re the expert here”

“That i am… Let me show you just how much of an expert…”

With a smooth roll of his hips he pushed into you and the feeling was indescribable, in fact it was so overwhelming you screwed your eyes shut, willing the tears not to fall, but Henry simply held still, kissing each one of your tears as they fell down your cheeks until you were ready.

“Breathe babe… just breathe… it’s overwhelming i know… i understand…”

Opening your eyes you gazed up at him, smiling as he leaned down and kissed you softly.

“Are you ok?”

“Y-yeah…”

“You want me to keep going?”

“Please… oh god please”

“Gonna make you feel so good”

He carefully pulled his hips back before pushing into you again, seemingly getting deeper before pulling out again. Soon you were lost in the moment, feelings both physical and emotionally almost overwhelming you again as your body was taken to new heights of pleasure, Henry seemingly knowing exactly how to make the moment special for you.

Your body reacted in the best way, the tight spring inside you curling ever tighter, until with just the right roll of his hips he tipped you over the edge and you were coming hard, your body squeezing him so tight he knew he’d found heaven whilst you saw stars.

Whilst you were in the haze of your orgasm you heard the most beautiful moans, and felt as Henry came deep within you. As soon as he stopped shaking he wrapped his arms around you tightly, pressing his face to your neck as he cradled the back of your head with his massive hand, pressing soft kisses to your heated skin as you both basked in the aftershocks of your intense orgasms.

Finally Henry pushed himself up to bear his weight on one arm, sliding his other hand between your bodies to hold the condom in place as he carefully pulled out of you;

“I’m just gonna get rid of this… stay here”

You watched his peachy ass as he quickly mad his way to the bathroom, hearing water running before he reappeared moments later with a damp washcloth. Sitting delicately beside you he carefully cleaned you up, and when he was finished he pulled the duvet over your naked body as he quickly got rid of the cloth and joined you, wrapping his arm around your shoulder and pulling you to his chest;

“Are you ok?”

“I think so… Did i make a mess of your bed?”

“No. No blood”

“Really? I thought…”

“If you’re relaxed enough you may not bleed… or you may have simply ruptured your hymen just through every day life. A fall, tampons, strenuous exercise… didn’t you do a horseriding movie a couple of years back?”

“Y-yeah…” you cast your mind back; “Now you mention it, there was one really long day when i’d spent all day shooting a galloping scene with jumps… i just thought my period was coming early, and i had this really dull ache in my lower back… i guess that makes sense now…”

“So… you’re good? Feel ok about filming tomorrow?”

You nodded;

“Yeah, i’m good. Thank you” You looked up at him and saw he was chewing his lip nervously; “What?”

“I was wondering… you know… after we’ve finished filming tomorrow… did you want to go to dinner with me?”

“Like a date?”

“Yeah… hey i understand if you say no… that you want to concentrate on your role and acting…”

“No! I mean yes!” you took a deep breath; “I’d love to go to dinner with you”

He pressed a kiss to your cheek before you settled on his chest, his strong heartbeat beating beneath your ear as you let your eyelids drop and you fell asleep in his arms.

Iris tutted as you fidgeted;

“Will you stand still? I need to get these scales on!”

“Sorry Iris… just a little sore…”

The older woman looked up at you as she held the patch of purple scales prosthetic and grinned;

“Well its about time” she nodded to the various bottles and jars that were on the counter; “Make sure you take the coconut oil when you leave tonight, it’ll help get the adhesive off without pulling on any bruises”

You looked down at Iris and smiled;

“Thanks Iris”

“Was it worth it?”

“So worth it”

#henry cavill #henry cavill x reader #henry cavill x you #henry cavill smut #henry cavill fanfiction

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youngbloodlisk · 3 years

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warnings: threesome, foursome, daddy kink, master kink, probably every standard sexual act you can think of (i honestly cant even remember what was and wasnt included and we love that), choking, petnames, sir kink, biting, some public stuff, rough smut, rlly rough smut lmao, degradation, i think thats it? but if i missed something im very sorry my brain is kind of a mushy submissive mess after reading this

omg i loved this shgdhdjdhdgh even as someone who doesnt love daddy/master and stuff as much as other people i very much enjoyed this thank you for submitting it omg

ok that was all lisa talking, here’s the actual dom!yoongi, dom!taehyung, dom!jungkook, sub!reader submission from @kpop-4-ever:

Taehyung. Taehyung. Taehyung. You banged your head in your hands frustratedly. At one point, you missed and banged your head on the desk. The teacher stopped speaking and everyone looked at you. “I’m okay…” She shrugged and went back to writing impossible math problems on the board. All but one of the students directed their attention back to the board. You sighed and winced when you got hit by a note. You opened it and smiled. Your dorm @4 and your bed is mine. Quickly, you threw a glance at your mint-haired friend who smirked at you. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at him. Luckily, you had homework so you wouldn’t fight over the bed.

Four rolled around quickly and you left your door unlocked. It wasn’t like your friend was going to knock anyways. “I’M HERE AND I BROUGHT A FRIEND.” “IN HERE.” You watched as he entered the room. “Hey, Yoongs!” He muttered a ‘hey’ and jumped on your bed. “My homework gives me more reaction than you.” “I’m here, too.” A small voice came from the doorway. “Chimmy!” Jimin was your childhood crush, but as all good things get older, they fade. That’s exactly what happened. Now you have a crush on the campus hot boy alien, Kim Taehyung. He was untouchable. Unreachable. He’s been on your mind since he gave you his umbrella and stood in the rain.

“Yoongles?” “Why do you hate me?” He sighed and groaned. “Cause I do. Now, did you pay attention in class?” You heard a slight chuckle. “I was zoned out but I know one thing. You were thinking of Taehyung.” He sneered. The closest soft thing was a plushie, so you decided to throw it at Yoongi. Jimin perked up. “I wanna talk about Tae.” “I don’t.” He forcefully turned your seat around and made you look at him. “We are talking about Taehyung.” “You looked like shit in class.” Of course, Yoongi noticed. No matter how much concealer you put on, he could tell. “I didn’t get good sleep last night.” “I can tell. These sheets smell clean, which means you washed them this morning.” True. You did. You hate washing your sheets so you do it once a month unless you have a reason to do it sooner.

"Okay, so I had a dream…” That was the truth… just not the full truth. “What kind of dream?” Yoongi smirked. “Obviously one about Taehyung, Jimin.” Sighing and blushing, you hid your head in your hands. “Ooh, was he choking you? Did he chain you up? Did he blindfold you? Did he make you call him daddy?” No. No. No. You absolutely did not want that image in your head right now, especially not in front of your friends. You bit back a moan and shuddered instead. “I don’t want to talk about it.” “He’s got you whipped.” Jimin giggled, playfully teasing you. You groaned. “Shut up, please!” Jimin looked taken aback. “Man, you need to get fucked and fast. You’re a bitch.” “I don’t need your criticism, Jimin. Or your advice.” At this point, the homework was forgotten until you turned around. Your phone buzzed violently.

ᗰᗩᗰᗩ ᒍIᑎ

Did you hear the news?

Did you?

Answer me!

I cannot believe you don’t love your brother

What news?

Taehyung’s heading towards your house

What!?

I think it was something like he’s moving in next to you.

WHAT!?

*out of text*

“SERIOUSLY, HE DIDN'T THINK TO TELL ME THAT TAEHYUNG IS MOVING IN NEXT DOOR?” “Ooh, the tea is piping hot!” “Shut up, Jimin.” You groaned as someone knocked on the door. “Must be, Jinyoung.” The dorms were co-ed which was stupid, but you guess that the administration didn’t care if you got an STD, or worse, pregnant. Jinyoung hadn’t been home in weeks and you noticed his door was closed the entire time, but he was a private person so nothing was thought of it. You stood up and readjusted your shorts from riding up any farther. Thinking he could hear you, you started complaining to the door. “Jinyoung, you know that the key opens the door. Don’t tell me you lost it otherwise-“ You finally paid attention to who was at the door. Kim Taehyung. Jungkook was standing behind him with the second half of Taehyung’s stuff. “Hi! Are you going to let me in to my dorm, roomie?”

Subconsciously, you moved but you were still surprised. You didn’t think he’d be moving in with you. Where was he going to sleep? “Sit your stuff in the living room for now, please.” Slowly comprehending, you opened Jinyoung’s room to see it empty with a letter on the bed explaining that he was moving back home. That bitch left me, you thought. “In here.” Taehyung moved his stuff to the room and noticed the letter. “Jinyoung didn’t tell you did he?” Your head snapped to him confused. “Jinyoung recommended that I move in here. Said you were chill.” “You get settled in and I’m going back to my room.” He nodded and as soon as you shut your door you screamed. “FUCK!” Yoongi was sitting up, smirking at you and Jimin was giggling. “I think I’m going to leave…” “No you don’t.” You shoved Yoongi back on the bed and threw yourself in your chair.

A knock sounded on your bedroom door and Jimin opened it before you could react. Taehyung and Jungkook stood at the door. “YOU GOT AN XBOX ONE, PLAYSTATION, WII, AND TWO COMPUTERS FOR GAMING!” You giggled at Jungkook’s reaction. Typically, after school, you would come in here and play against people or just play for fun. “Is Jungkookie excited by my new roommate’s gaming system?” He nodded. “If you want, we can play sometime, Jungkook.” You could see him glowing with excitement. “I can come back if you want to be alone.” Taehyung eyed Jimin and Yoongi cautiously. His tone told you that he was thinking you were going to do something with Jimin and Yoongi. “It’s okay, they’re just friends.” “I’m not just your friend…” Jimin is not helping. “I’m your childhood best friend too!” “Go order takeout and make yourself useful.”

He stuck his tongue out at you before going to the living room to order. “What do you need?” “I was wondering if you’d help me do laundry?” Yoongi chuckled and gave you a look. That ‘this is the guy you want to fuck you’ look. “You don’t know how to do laundry?” He sheepishly grinned. “I mean, I do, but I don’t want to break another washer because it was different.” Jungkook chimed in much to the despair of his best friend. “Oh yeah! You broke the knob off and then fried the wiring.” Yoongi chuckled at you. Through gritted teeth, Taehyung spoke. “Yes, I was referring to that one.” Thankfully, Jimin came back into the room which saved Taehyung from complete embarrassment. Whatever, you thought. “Let’s go, it’s downstairs.” He nodded and grabbed his laundry. The two of you walked side by side in silence until you got to the laundry room. He watched closely as you showed him how to use the washer, eyes analyzing your every move.

———————————————————

On more than one occasion, you went with Taehyung to do his laundry, only staying in when you needed to study. This time was no different. The two of you had grown close, even going as far as you kissing him when you were flat out drunk from a party Jimin threw. “Why do you wash your clothes so much? Do you like me or something?” “Or something,” he responded, not paying attention to you drooling over him. His shirt stayed taut in all the right places. You watched as he tossed his clothes in the washer and started it. Growing bored as the time passed, you hopped up on the dryer and dangled your legs off the side. Keeping up with the conversation, you moved your legs as Taehyung transferred his clothes to the dryer and turned it on. Bad idea to sit on the dryer. You lurched forward as it vibrated beneath you, grazing your clit. You moaned softly and then blushed after realizing what happened.

“I-I have to go.” You were too embarrassed to stay and deal with the fact that your hot roommate heard you get turned on by a dryer. “Stay.” Taehyung’s voice was dominant and turned you on even more. Your juices were slowly soaking through to your shorts. Luckily, you were wearing black so it didn’t show, but at least you were in a place where you could wash your clothes. “Did that turn you on?” You shook your head. “Answer me, baby doll.” A small whimper left your lips when he forced his leg in between yours. “Yes, Daddy.” Daddy. Taehyung just realized that he had a Daddy kink. “Fuck, that was hot.” He watched as your face turned pink and looked away from him. This was not acceptable in his book. His hand gripped your chin and forced you to look at him. You looked into his lust-filled eyes and gulped as he leaned in closer, lips brushing yours. The need controlled your movements as you pulled him into a heated kiss. It was a mess of moans and tongues as you submitted to Taehyung.

Pulling away to catch your breath, Taehyung nipped and sucked at the soft skin of your neck, leaving marks. “We can’t do this here. There are cameras.” He nipped harshly at a sweet spot, causing you to moan. “Let them watch.” Forcing yourself not to succumb to his wants, you pushed him away. “We’ll get kicked out.” You jumped down only to be pushed against the wall. Taehyung grinded himself against you, the pleasure making you throw your head back. “Tae,” your voice was barely a whimper now. “You can’t leave me hanging babydoll, now can you?” “No Daddy but-“ He effectively cut you off by thrusting his long, slender fingers in your mouth, making you gag at the sudden intrusion. Drool spilled out of the corner of your mouth, making you feel absolutely filthy. If one were to walk into the laundry room, they’d know exactly what was going down or more who was going down.

Footsteps sounded in the hallway, nearing closer to the laundry room. “Stay quiet, babydoll and they won’t know a thing. You can do that for me, right?” “Yes, Daddy,” you sighed. “Good girl.” Taehyung removed his fingers from your mouth and wiped them on his sweatpants. “Hey, Taehyung. ________.” You managed to squeak out a small hi to your classmate, but Taehyung’s wandering hands didn’t help either. When she looked away to grab clothes, Taehyung’s large hand groped your breast, pinching your sensitive nipple through the shirt. “Shit,” you gasped. “Are you okay?” You looked up to see the girl staring at you worried. “Yeah, just had a cold chill.” It wasn’t a total lie, but it was believable enough for her to return to her laundry. “Who knew my baby doll had a little mouth on her?” Taehyung whispered into your ear, sending shivers down your spine. “What else can that pretty mouth say?” “Wait until we get back to the dorm to do anything,” you hissed, scared of getting caught but loving the thrill. “Tsk. Are you disrespecting me? Do I need to punish you?”

The thought of what Taehyung could do to you made you even wetter. Your juices threatened to escape your shorts and show him how much that affected you but there was no need. His fingers slipped into your shorts and ran across your clit forcing you to bite your lip to keep quiet. “Hey, you look sick. Are you okay?” You looked up to find the girl staring at you and suddenly, you were all too aware of Taehyung’s fingers threatening to push into you in a public area. “Yeah, it’s just hot in here.” “It is a little, but will you be kind enough to watch my clothes? I have to study and I don’t want someone to set them on top again in the middle of the wash.” A quick nod made her smile, and leave the room. “Babydoll, I think you have a voyeurism kink.” A smirk was etched on his face as you turned to him, wide-eyed. “And I think I know just how to satiate that. Would you like me to call Jungkookie? Or how about Yoongi hyung, hmm? How would you like to have your best friend watch you get ruined?”

“You don’t even need to talk, your body is talking for you,” he purred into your ear. You whined when he slipped his hands out of your shorts and tapped your lips. “Open up, babydoll.” Maybe you could get some retribution for his teasing. The lewd sucking sounds from you made Taehyung groan out loud. He pulled his fingers out and dried them on his sweatpants before turning to the dryer. “I think the dryer’s done.” Your mouth hung open as he completely ignored the fact that he had just been toying with you, making you a mess. Taehyung grabbed his phone and pulled up his contacts before calling someone. “I’ll be right back,” he said heading out to the hallway. Dumbfounded, you stood in place trying to figure out what just happened. Sexually frustrated, you squeezed your thighs together, hoping that your classmate would come to get her clothes so you could go home and fix your own problems. Fuck Taehyung. Fuck him and his effect on you.

“Hey, thank you! I owe you a favor.” You came back down to earth to see the second person you wanted to see the most. “Oh, it’s no biggie.” Exhaling heavily, you grabbed Taehyung’s clothes from the dryer, put them in his basket, and walked out to where he stood, still on his phone. He grunted when you shoved the basket into his chest before stomping back to the apartment, clearly struggling to keep your cool. Behind you, you heard Taehyung chuckle. “Okay, see you soon. Bye.” Was he really going to leave you like this? Almost immediately, you shut your bedroom door. You threw yourself face down on your bed, screaming. You turned over and stared at the ceiling, thinking about how it would feel to have Taehyung’s long fingers reaching lengths that your own couldn’t. Just the thought itself made your hands crawl down to the place that needed the most attention. You wasted no time slipping your fingers in between your folds, collecting the slick that was now dripping down onto the back of your shorts.

With ease, you pushed in one finger, your back arching at the pleasure. “Fuck,” you moaned out, now thrusting your fingers in and out. Moans spilled from your mouth as you edged closer to your high. Your door creaked open and you heard a tsk. “Babydoll, you couldn’t wait for me?” “You were busy on the phone,” you spat. “Being a little brat, are we? I think I can fix that.” Taehyung grabbed the silk tie from your robe hanging on the door and crawled onto your bed. “Hands.” “No, I’m so close,” you whimpered. He ignored your pleading as his large hands wrapped around your wrists, forcing them up towards the bed frame. “You don’t want to listen, then you don’t get to cum, baby doll. Fine. By. Me.” You tugged at the silk that restricted you to the bed. “Tae,” you whined out, earning a glare. “What did you just call me?” He asked darkly. “I’m sorry, Daddy.” His dark eyes disappeared when he smiled, causing you to internally scream at the fact that he could look so sexy one minute, but the next minute so cute.

“I brought you a gift!” Taehyung exclaimed, excitedly. Confused, you watched as he opened the door to reveal your best friend, leaning against your door frame. “Y-Yoongi, what are you doing here?” “No speaking without permission, Babydoll.” Yoongi strolled in and sat down in your desk chair, spreading his legs while exerting dominance. “Daddy, what are you doing?” “Kitten, I believe he told you not to talk without permission.” You gulped and watched as Taehyung stalked you like his prey. “Hmm, I bet you taste sweet.” Your hips rutted into the air as Taehyung dragged his fingers up your leg, over the spot you wanted them most, over your chest, and to your cheeks where he harshly squeezed them and forced you to look at him. “I want you to be a good girl for me. Or else.” Without warning, Taehyung ripped your shirt, exposing the dark red bra that you were thankful you had put on before going to the laundry room. “We won’t be needing this,” he said before reaching underneath you and unclasping your bra in one swift motion.

As the garment was thrown across the room, Taehyung was working at your perked nipples. You gasped as he pinched and twisted the sensitive bud. A low chuckle escaped from his lips as he took the other in his mouth, using his tongue to stimulate you. “Fuck,” you whined. Taehyung pulled back and removed his hands. “I’m pretty sure Taehyung made himself clear, Kitten,” Yoongi stated. You looked up at Taehyung as if asking for permission to talk. “You may speak, babydoll.” “I’m sorry, Daddy. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Just touch me please,” you said desperately, already having been denied an orgasm once. “I think you should ask Yoongi hyung what he thinks.” “Yoongi-“ He held up his hand to quiet you. “If you want to get anywhere with me, then you should call me master.” “Master, I’ll do anything, I just want someone to touch me. Please.” You saw a small smirk appear on his face as you spoke. “Taehyung, I think Kitten wants you to taste her.” “With pleasure.”

Taehyung tapped your thigh to signal for you to lift your hips so he could take off your shorts. “Babydoll, you're soaked. Is it because of Daddy or maybe it’s caused by your master?” You took your lip in between your teeth to stop the noises threatening to release themselves. A loud moan forced its way out of your mouth as Taehyung licked a stripe up your folds. “How does she taste?” “So good.” Just as quick as he spoke, he was already diving back in, devouring you like a starved man. You let out a broken sob at the euphoric feeling. If your hands weren’t tied, they’d be tangled up in Taehyung’s messy hair. Instead, you let your thighs tighten around his head. “Kitten, you're gonna suffocate him.” The male in between your legs let out a groan when he realized Yoongi’s words affected you. “Use your fingers, Taehyung.” Complying to Yoongi’s command, Taehyung slipped a finger into you, moving it at a fast pace. “Don’t be a pussy, add more. She can take it.” “Master-“ Your words were cut off by the male adding two more fingers. You felt your high approaching and so did Taehyung. Right before you came, he pulled away, letting your orgasm fade.

“You didn’t think I’d actually let you come so soon, did you, babydoll? You’ve been a bad girl.” You stared at him, tears spilling out of your eyes from being so close. “Don’t look so sad, Kitten. We’re just getting started.” Taehyung crawled off the bed and stripped off his shirt and pants, leaving himself in his underwear. Your eyes widened at the sight of Taehyung’s bulge straining against his boxers. You happily sighed as he took them off, letting his dick stand tall and proud. “Like what you see?” Taehyung asked cockily. “I know for a fact that Yoongi’s bigger.” He let out a growl, sounding almost animalistic as Yoongi chuckled from the side. “Well, she’s not wrong.” “It doesn’t matter the size, as long as you fuck your bitch right.” The bed dipped as he untied the silk from the bed frame. He pulled you towards him, seeing as how your wrists were still tied together. “And tonight, along with every other night, you are my bitch.” His lips crashed against yours in a messy make out. You fought for dominance but ultimately lost. Taehyung pulled away for air and readjusted you so you were on his lap. Even though he was dominating you, he still wanted to make sure you were ready for him.

“Are you ready?” The sincerity in his voice was sweet but you were too far gone to care. “Take me, daddy. Make me your bitch.” You whispered the last word into his ear before nibbling at it, making him groan. Taehyung lifted you up and helped you ease onto his dick. He let out a guttural groan as he bottomed out. “Move for me, babydoll.” Using his chest as leverage, you brought your body up before slamming it back down, repeating the process. Eventually, you started to slow down, becoming worn out from doing all the work. Taehyung gladly took control, flipping you over and pounding you deep into the mattress, making you moan out loud. You glanced over at Yoongi, who was watching the entire show with a cocky smirk plastered on his face. A sharp gasp left your lips as Taehyung found that ‘special’ spot. “YOONGI,” you screamed out in pleasure, making Taehyung wrap his hands around your throat and lean down towards you. He chuckled deeply into your ear. “Oh babydoll, you’re in for a long night.”

You became frustrated when Taehyung pulled out once again, making you cry out. “Daddy. Please let me cum just once.” He pretended to think about it before shaking his head. “I think you’ve been a good girl but I’m not letting you cum. He might though.” You froze and looked to where Taehyung was pointing. Jungkook stood dumbfounded in the doorway, watching your naked body shudder under his gaze. Yoongi pulled up the other chair and patted it, signaling Jungkook to sit down. You watched as he shifted in his chair, trying to ignore the raging hard-on he was sporting. “Looks like Jungkookie has a little problem. Why don’t you let him use you? Maybe he’ll let you cum.” Jungkook visibly gulped as Taehyung stepped away and gave him permission to come up to you. “C-Can I?” He asked, reaching out for your hand. “Yes, sir.” His eyes darkened at the two little words that held a monumental effect on him. Jungkook carefully took your hand in his, wanting to be a little more on the sweet side.

“She’s not porcelain, she won’t break,” Taehyung scoffed. “Trust me, I know.” He added, throwing you a smirk. “You’re right, I didn’t break. Maybe you just didn’t fuck me hard enough.” Sure you were gonna die, but it would be worth it. “Bitch-“ Jungkook turned and stood face to face with Taehyung. “You said it was my turn, therefore; it’s my turn. Clearly, you didn’t impress her.” Taehyung backed up, astonished that his friend just spoke back to him. Jungkook returned to his spot beside you and untied your wrists. “No need for this.” You sighed and rolled your wrists, happy that there wasn’t something restraining them anymore. “Thank you, sir.” “On your knees.” Gladly, you dropped down on your knees in front of him. His hands fumbled to get the belt on his jeans undone, but once he got it off everything else was easy. “I want you to put that pretty mouth to use. You said you don’t have a gag reflex and I’m here to test that, Princess.”

Once his dick was free from its confinement, you set to work, smearing his precum along his length. He let out an almost pornographic moan when you kitten licked his tip. “Don’t tease.” Not wanting to make him wait any longer, you opened your mouth and fit as much as you could at one time. “Good girl,” Jungkook groaned, his fingers tangling into your hair and pushing you further down, enjoying the feeling of your tongue swirling around his dick. You hollowed your cheeks and began to suck on his length softly. He bucked his hips harshly when he felt you swallow the drool threatening to spill out of the corners of your mouth. “I can’t hold back, Princess.” You tapped his thigh signaling to let go of his restraint and just fuck your mouth until your throat is raw. Jungkook happily did so, thrusting roughly to the point where your nose reached the skin at the base of his dick. “You weren’t lying, babydoll. You really don’t have a gag reflex.” Feeling proud of your little feat, you sucked harshly making Jungkook’s head fall back in pleasure. Somewhere in there, you swore you heard Yoongi mumble, “fuck, that’s hot,” under his breath.

“I’m cumming, Princess.” You felt him pull out of your mouth and use his hand to get his release. “Open your mouth,” Jungkook commanded. Just the sheer tone of his voice made you eagerly stick out your tongue awaiting his next move. He moaned as he came, his release staying mainly on your tongue but escaping to your chin and down to your chest. “Look at the little cum slut so eager to please,” Yoongi chuckled, his thumb coming to wipe the excess off your chin and bringing it to your mouth. “Open up, Princess.” You took Yoongi’s thumb in your mouth and sucked, trying to make his facade break. “You can show me what that little mouth of yours can do later. Right now, it’s Jungkook’s turn, Kitten.” Listening to Yoongi, you turned to see Jungkook already shirtless and working on his skinny jeans. You gawked at his muscles, admiring how well built he was. “Shit,” you whispered under your breath, imagining Jungkook fucking you up against your bedroom wall. His strong arms holding you up while his hips thrust into you at an inhuman pace.

“Tell me what’s on your mind, Princess.” Back in reality, Jungkook was already stripped and standing in front of you. “Nothing, sir.” “Now don’t lie or you won’t get what you want.” You gulped nervously and spoke. “I was thinking about you f-fucking me against the wall.” Your voice was hushed and raw but Jungkook still smirked, hearing you clearly. “Your wish is my command.” Before you could speak, his hands were already helping you to your feet. He pulled you into a kiss that started out soft, his teeth occasionally nibbling at your bottom lip. “Jump.” As soon as your legs wrapped around his body, the kiss became rougher and needier. Your hands tangled into his hair, and your back hit the cold wall, making you whine. With his strength, he gingerly slid you onto his length. The sound of his skillful hips slapping against your skin soon filled the room as Jungkook set to work on covering your neck in his marks. You moaned when he found your sweet spot. “Found it,” he said with a small chuckle. He continued his assault on your neck, enjoying the sinful sounds you made dangerously close to his ear.

“Sir, I’m going to cum,” you whispered in between marking his neck. “Cum for me, Princess.” Unable to hold back any longer, you bit down onto Jungkook’s neck as you came, your moans being muffled. Jungkook wasn’t expecting you to have a biting kink but it had him pulling out and cumming in seconds. “I wasn’t expecting that,” he worded breathlessly. Your head laid on his shoulders, tired and worn out. Jungkook laid you onto the bed and watched as you started to drift off, chuckling because they were not done with you. Sleep was only an inch away when you were jolted awake by a tongue against your sensitive clit. You looked down to see Yoongi lazily eating you out, taking his time and ruining any chance of you getting any energy back. “Yoongi,” you whimpered out, earning a small bite on your thigh. “Master, please. I can’t take it. It hurts.” He pulled his head up to look at you with dangerous eyes. “Keep complaining and I’ll make sure you can’t walk tomorrow.” You threw your head back in defeat as Yoongi continued his assault. After a minute or two, he decided to add one of his fingers, pushing it in slowly. Instinctively, your hips bucked into his fingers to get more friction. Your own fingers were tangled in his hair, pulling when his fingers pushed in.

It was so dirty and filthy the way you were enjoying how your best friend was making you feel. The way his tongue skillfully danced across your clit. The way the sucking and nibbling made you cry out in pleasure. “Did I say you could make noise?” “No but-“Yoongi looked up at you with a dark, piercing gaze. “Make one more sound, and I’ll punish you.” You almost whimpered at the sound of his harsh tone, but you held it back and nodded your head. “Good girl.” While Yoongi was teasing you, you tried your hardest to not make a sound, biting your lip so hard it almost started to bleed. His lips traveled up your body, placing light, feathery kisses along with marks that would take weeks to disappear. He crashed his lips against yours in a messy make out and you were careful not to make noise. Your hips moved along with his fingers at a fast pace, making the whole scene feel heavenly. Everyone else in the room became non-existent as Yoongi kissed you roughly, sending bolts down to your core. Even as you were making out with him, you still fought the urge to make noise. Yoongi pulled away from the kiss. “Struggling much, kitten?”

With all your strength, you reached up and crashed your lips against his again to stop the whine threatening to slip from your lips. You were so caught up in kissing him, that you didn’t feel his fingers run through your hair. Yoongi waited a few seconds before tugging your hair harshly. A cry escaped your lips as you grabbed the sheets, crumpling up the once pristine purple sheets. Your eyes widened at the realization of what you had just done, broken his only rule. “Master, please. I didn’t mean to.” The pleads of forgiveness slipped out in a broken voice. Yoongi chuckles darkly. “I had one rule, kitten. And you couldn’t even follow it. I’m disappointed. I didn’t want to have to punish you.” “Please. I’ve been a good girl. Don’t do this,” you whined, feeling his fingers work your orgasm closer. Noticing the way you clenched heavily around his fingers, he pulled them out of you. “You sound cute when you beg, kitten. I can’t wait to make you beg me to stop. If you take your punishment like the good girl I know you are, I’ll fuck you until you’re crying. Okay?” You nodded desperately. “Good. You didn’t have much of a choice in the matter.”

“On your knees, slut. I’m going to fuck your throat raw,” Yoongi commanded. While you got on your knees and awaited your fate, Yoongi undressed himself. He walked to where you were kneeling for him. You were too busy looking at the floor to notice him, so he yanked your hair to make you look at him. “Now that I have your attention, you ready?” You took a deep breath before nodding at him. He released your hair, but only for a minute. He pulled your hair into a makeshift ponytail as he thrust into your mouth. Yoongi chuckled as drool dribbled out of your mouth and down your chin. His low groans were music to your ears. As he grew closer to his release, his pace got rougher and sloppier. Right before he came, he pulled out of your mouth, breathing heavily. “Master, you didn’t cum,” you forced out, your words not fully forming because of your raw throat. “Listen to that. Babydoll can’t speak properly.” Yoongi threw a smirk towards the two other boys in the room as if saying ‘I did this and you didn’t’. “I don’t want to cum yet because you are going to take it like the little cumslut you are. And you’ll enjoy every minute of it whether you like it or not.”

You mentally smiled, knowing that even though Yoongi was treating you like a slut, he would stop if need be. “Bed. Now.” You immediately stood up and went to the bed, complying to Yoongi’s command. “Face down, ass up,” he enunciated each word, forcing you to do the action by pressing his hand in the middle of your back and pushing down so your back was arched. The bed dipped as he climbed up behind you and prepared himself. The stretch was a little different from Jungkook’s and Taehyung’s dicks. It was slightly longer than Jungkook’s but less girthier and Taehyung just couldn’t compare. Taehyung’s length was a bit shorter and less girthier than both men. It was perfect for a causal sex but right now, you wanted to be fucked, destroyed, not able to walk tomorrow. The sound of Yoongi placing harsh smacks on your ass while pounding you face first into the mattress was a sight for the others. Jungkook had gotten his phone out and started to record while Taehyung had grabbed his camera from the other room and took pictures of your fucked out expressions to add to his new keepsake box.

“Let the neighbours hear how good I make you feel, kitten,” Yoongi growled out, focusing on the feeling of you clenching around him. A loud, pornographic moan erupted from your lips, eliciting a smirk from Yoongi. He groaned when he looked at where your cunt was swallowing his dick, pulling it in with a vice-like grip. A word slipped past your mouth, making Yoongi chuckle. “Are you sure you’re ready for me to go faster, kitten?” You tapped the bed, signaling yes as your confirmation words were swallowed into the mattress. Your face went even further into the mattress… if that was even possible. Yoongi thrusted into you at an almost animalistic pace, making you scream into the sheets. “Maybe you should fuck the bitch more often if she screams that loud for you,” Taehyung said, his voice deeper than usual. “Maybe I should. It’s not like you could anyways.” Taehyung clenched his jaw, but opted to not say anything. “Are you going cum all over my dick for me, Kitten?” Knowing you couldn't answer, Yoongi continued to thrust into you harshly, edging you closer to your limit. “Yoongi,” you yelled out as he continued his relentless pace through your orgasm, immediately overstimulating you.

“I’m not stopping until I cum, little brat.” He flipped you over onto your back and repositioned you so that your leg was on his shoulder and the other was against your chest. Tears spilled from your eyes as he ignored your pleas. His hips stuttered as he came inside of you, thrusting a little more to milk himself of every last drop before he fell beside you. “I did too much work,” he huffed out. “Pfft. A good fuck goes all night. A mediocre fuck goes one round,” Taehyung teased, riling up the mint haired boy. “I never said I couldn’t go more rounds, I just said I’m done doing the work.” While the two bickered back and forth, Jungkook was already making his way over to you, wheeling in the chair. With the last bit of strength you had, you climbed into his lap. “How are you feeling, princess?” He asked sweetly. You laid your head on his shoulder, tired. “Sore and tired,” you sighed out, placing a soft kiss on his neck. Jungkook placed a kiss to your forehead and allowed you to rest for a minute or two. “Don’t go to sleep yet. We aren’t finished with you,” he said softly but yet something about it was hot. Discreetly, his hands moved your bottom half against his growing problem. “Sir, please. Five more minutes.” Jungkook sighed sharply. “But I need to be in you.” You lifted yourself up and allowed Jungkook to slip his dick into your sensitive heat.

“Don’t move.” While he didn’t enjoy orders from you, he did enjoy the warmth of your tight walls around his length. Caught up in the passion and slowness of the moment, you kissed Jungkook. You kissed him slowly and passionately, not rough like you did when he was taking you against the wall. His hands laid upon your waist, holding you close. Your arms were wrapped around the back of his neck as you continued your soft make out session. You were so into the kiss that you didn’t realize a few things. A)Jungkook had started moving, going against your instructions, B) Yoongi was watching what was going on, and C) Taehyung was now behind you, trailing his fingers up your body as he sucked marks on your neck and shoulder bone. Feeling Taehyung behind you, sucking and biting at your neck made you kiss Jungkook with a little bit more rush. “Let’s turn you around, babydoll.” Careful, not to move too much, you turned around and came face to face with two dicks. “We’ll give Jungkook the pleasure of finishing off in you last, but I want your mouth, babydoll. Let me see what had the others coming so fast.”

Yoongi looked at you expectantly, clearly not wanting to be left to help himself. Your hand wrapped around his dick and began to pump his length. Taehyung on the other hand, had tapped your lips with his fingers making you open up. He slid his dick in easily and you hollowed your cheeks before bobbing your mouth up and down. Jungkook, noticing that you were preoccupied, took matters into his own hands by bucking his hips up into you causing you to moan around Taehyung. The vibrations against his length made Taehyung groan out and you were pretty sure the neighbours could hear and knew exactly what was going on. “I’m taking over, okay Babydoll?” You looked up at him through your blown out eyes and nodded. His long fingers grabbed ahold of your hair and the back of your head pushing you down to meet his thrust. He did this a couple of times to test the waters before picking up the speed almost making you gag at times. The hand that was working Yoongi stuttered as you tried to focus on the two things that were fucking into you and he quickly lost patience, taking matters into his own hands (metaphorically).

Yoongi started fucking into your hand at the same pace as Taehyung, imagining that it was your skillful tongue working him and not a measly hand. Your knees quickly grew painful at the hard cracked leather scraping and scratching at them but you pushed through. In your bliss, you looked up and saw Taehyung become a groaning mess as he felt his high near. His face was contorted with pleasure as his hands grabbed whatever was nearest to him which happened to be your desk. Yoongi was close by, moaning out your name as you struggled to keep your hand shaped for him. Jungkook wasn’t far behind as he had been edging himself during the time Yoongi was fucking the life out of you. You weren’t as close as the others and you were counting on one of them to help you. “I’m coming, babydoll,” Taehyung choked out. You swallowed the drool that had form in your mouth around him to make room for the next thing. His large hand pushed your head down all the way and released down your throat effectively making you gag. He pulled away, exhausted and went to grab some lotion and towels.

You felt Yoongi’s thumb grab up the excess cum from your mouth and wiped it on your bottom lip. You were going to lick it off to tease him but Jungkook hit just right and had your head falling back against his shoulder. “Sir, more please.” “Yoongi is finished yet.” A whine fell from your lips but you set to work making your hand meet Yoongi’s thrusts. You leaned down to where his dick poked through and kitten licked the tip each time it came through. “Shit. Keep doing that and I won’t be able to hold back.” A few more thrusts or so of doing that and he was cumming. Bits of it were all over your neck and face and some landed on your breasts. The entire picture was lewd. Before Yoongi could get affected by the scene again, he rushed to get the bath running. “It’s just you and me, princess.” With ease, Jungkook went faster while you slammed your hips down to meet his. “Jungkookie, I’m cumming!” “Cum for me, Princess.” He had neared his high right as you had and you both came at the same time. You shut your eyes, tired, sore and hungry. A scream came from the doorway.

“What the fuck?” The new voice had Taehyung and Yoongi running, only Yoongi had the decency to wear a towel around his waist. “YOONGI? Oh my god! I’ll come back later. Have fun.” “Jimin-ah.” Yoongi called him, effectively making the boy turn and stare. “Tell anyone about this and I’ll break you.” Jimin smiled sheepishly knowing he would die if he didn’t listen. “I believe you. I mean, you already broke our best friend. Wait, is she still your best friend or….” “Go wait in the living room.” You gave a weak smile as you heard Jimin laugh down the hallway, running from Yoongi. “Let’s get you two in the bath.” The voice wasn’t registering in your head but you felt yourself being lifted up and placed in the hot bath. Not long after, you felt another body enter the tub. “Come cuddle me, Princess.” “No, we are washing you guys up.” You felt hands placing soap in your hair, washing it before moving onto your body. “She’s tired, Taehyung.” “We all fucked her pretty good.” “Correction, I did.” “Shut up Kook.” “You, Tae.” You chuckled at the boys and let whoever was washing you, continue. “Come on, up you go.” It was Yoongi washing you with such gentleness. He wrapped a towel around you as soon as he helped you stand up. “Let’s go get you some clothes,” he spoke softly which was a nice change from all the times before.

You walked out to the living room in Jungkook's shirt and a pair of loose shorts and nothing else. With the help of the walls, you walked out to Jimin and sat beside him. “One of the boys couldn’t have helped you out here?” “I could do it myself, I’m a big girl,” you said weakly. “Yes you are. So tell me….” You looked at him expectantly, not knowing what was going to be said. “How were they? Especially Yoongi! Was he as big and good as he claimed to be?” The way Jimin threw question after question and cutely stared at you waiting for the answers made you laugh. “They were good and Yoongi is way better and bigger than what he said he was.” The two of you got lost in conversation when the other three came out to sit on the couch and chairs. “I hear you talking good things about Yoongi and Jungkook but what about me?” “You were okay,” you teased Taehyung who pouted. Still hazy from the sex, you leaned over and kissed him. “Did you just kiss me?” “Was I not allowed to?” You question, curious as to why not right now, just minutes after they were all kissing and making out with you. “What are we?” Jungkook asked. “Whatever you guys want to be,” you shrugged, down with being in a relationship or a friends with benefits situation or even just friends and this never happened. The room was silent with people thinking of what to call this.

Yoongi spoke up first. “I’m okay with all of us being in a relationship.” “You’re suggesting polyamory?” You asked, watching his head nod. “I’m down!” All four heads turned to look at the enthusiastic Jungkook already eyeing you. “All you guys need is Taehyung,” Jimin pointed out. “Yeah, I’m good with it. I have more chances to prove myself now.” You threw the pillow at Taehyung and laughed when it hit his head. “Shut up.” “How about no?” “Wait, so this means that I can do couply things with you guys and kiss you and be alone with you?” Yoongi nodded. “Yeah but don’t kiss me in public. Don’t need Jimin getting jealous.” “Yah! I’m not jealous. You’re mediocre at best, hyung.” You smacked Jimin’s chest making him wince. “Don’t say anything you don’t know.” “Oh yeah, I forgot. You’re an expert on Yoongi now,” he joked, sticking his tongue out at you. “I am. And I am an expert on Taehyung and Jungkook. Got a problem?” “No. You aren’t an expert on me so we are good.” You painfully crossed your arms standing your ground. “Oh yeah? Should I tell them about the 3 am Dream calls where you interrupt my sleep talking about your sex dreams?” Jimin’s eyes went wide. “No, I’m sorry. I’ll go order Chinese as a sorry.” The four of you laughed as you watched Jimin scurry off to order food. “Hey, princess?” You turned towards Jungkook only to be met by a quick kiss. “Meanie.”

------

here ya go :) (i'm suffering)

#bts #yoongi #taehyung #jungkook #bts smut #yoongi smut #taehyung smut #jungkook smut #submission #kpop-4-ever

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bangtan-pugh-bug · 3 years

Text

Scott Lang x Reader

Chapter 7 of the slow burn I am writing at snail pace

Sorry this is a short chapter. I should make a master list. Please let me know if you want to be added to my taglist , enjoy :))

Warnings: none

After feeling sorry for yourself for a while and listening to Scott’s mither you caved.

‘Good there’s no queue.’

You yawned as Scott inspected the empty McDonald’s with too much energy for your hungover self to deal with.

‘Because it’s like 9am.’

‘It’s nearly 11.’

Oh.

Earlier Scott had left the room while you’d gotten ‘dressed’, which just meant you were in a hoodie and sweatpants. In fact the two of you were almost matching except he was in all black and your hoodie was green. Was that cute or was it embarrassing? You weren’t sure. It didn’t really matter. What mattered was how quickly your fries were going to arrive.

The moment they did you had to fight the urge to eat like an animal. You felt gross enough already.

‘Do you rememb-‘

‘No.’

Scott looked taken aback at your ‘defiance’. ‘No we’re not doing this, not the guessing game.’ Every moment the two of you didn’t speak was filled with Stephen’s face. You hadn’t spoken to anyone since, except Scott. What was going to happen when you saw him again? Did Scott even know? Everyone saw the two of you leave.

‘Why because you’re filled with regret?’

Oh he knew. His expression said it all, until it didn’t. Until his frown and sad eyes transformed into an easy going smile you didn’t expect. He looked as if what he was going to ask you was hilarious to him. You ate your fries and watched Scott experience what could only be described as ‘rebooting’.

‘Okay I have to ask,’ he looked gleeful and you wanted to down whatever drug he must have just taken. Hangover brain was kicking you in the ass. ‘Does Stephen do sex differently cos he’s a wizard?’ For a split second you thought your plan was to stare at Scott in shock and feel offended but you just...didn’t. You started laughing and Scott did too. His laugh was adorable.

‘No!’ Your sudden exclamation earned you a dirty look from an employee, ‘He’s not a wizard Scott he’s ...he’s-‘ someone you had not slept with. You’d only kissed Stephen. It was all coming back to you-oh fuck! You hadn’t even done anything.

‘Exactly!’ He continued to point at your puzzled face and explain why Stephen was 100% a wizard. Not a sorcerer. ‘If he was a wizard he’d have a hat. Like Fantasia.’ You rubbed your eyes and continued eating, wanting to bathe in your relief. For once you were happy to have blacked out and woken up confused. ‘Now you sound like Sam.’

‘Oh thank god.’

Scott stopped eating and talking just to stare at you. Now he was the confused one. You stared at nothing in particular for a moment, feeling a sudden urge to be completely transparent. ‘Okay,’ you turned to look in Scott’s pretty face as he waited for your explanation. ‘Stephen’s not a wizard and I didn’t sleep with him.’ It felt good to say. Before Scott could speak you cut him off to quickly add ‘We did make out I think I can remem-not important. Point is :it didn’t go further than that...I’m sorry.’ What were you sorry for? As you said it it felt right to but you hadn’t actually done anything wrong.

To maintain some level of normality and avoid an awkward silence, you took an overly long sip of your milkshake. Scott was clearly processing your words and then he said what you feared. ‘Wait- why are you sorry?’ And he chuckled. He was amused, not full of relief that you hadn’t fucked Stephen Strange after holding his hand. He didn’t seem to have any hint of jealously that you kissed someone else. What did it matter?

You both finished eating what little food you had left, which did not take long, before Scott raised his eyebrows at you. ‘He’s a bit old for you.’ There was some judgement in his voice. Ironic.

‘He didn’t take advantage, don’t worry. Plus that’s my type.’

As you stood up and grabbed your belongings Scott wiped his mouth and smirked. ‘Yes I know.’

Taglist: @supraveng @thottio

#marvel #marvel fandom #paul rudd #scott lang #antman #antman and the wasp #antman x reader #Scott Lang x reader #Scott Lang angst #Scott Lang series #slow burn #marvel x reader #marvel slow burn #x reader #Paul rudd fan fic #antman fanfiction #scott lang fanfiction

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anemonenemerosa · 3 years

Text

The Spare- Chapter 13

Hello fellow people, I’m sorry for the delay (The chapter has been posted on AO3 for ages and I don’t know what took me so long)

Credit for the Sweater-verse goes to the wonderful @lumosinlove

Chapter 13

TW: Violence, a bit of blood, forced outing, abusive families

In calls and texts: Reg is normal Ben is bold-italic Mateo is italic Jo is bold

When Reg got from the airport to the hotel to change into his suit, he learned that his mother had, indeed, tricked him again. The contacts on his phone were mostly deleted and he had to share a room with Severus, who was less than thrilled at the prospect.

"I have to share a room with you to make sure you stay mommies little boy! Rookie, I tell you, get close to that faggot and I rip you apart. I'm not getting shit from Riddle or your mother because you don't stay at the sight side." He growled at Reg and combined with the cold glare of his deep-set eyes, Reg was convinced that he could -and would- actually do that.

"Your mother will be here tomorrow to have a look herself." They had him... he could not escape... his happy family idea was gone; The universe had hit back. He thought of losing his Hobbits, as he named Jo, Ben and Mateo and it pained him too much to let it dwell. Reg closed his eyes with a sigh and a resigned nod.

Of course, they had to arrive at that damn Red Carpet together with Sirius and Tremblay. Walking behind Sirius was bad, walking there with Severus eyeing his every movement was worse but the worst was when Reg saw the look on Sirius' face. Tired, lonely, hurt. He heard bits of the questions his brother was asked and hurt with him. Hockey is about hockey, not what a player does in his spare time.

And there was nothing he could do. He had to re-watch the introduction with a proudly sniggering Severus four times this evening without a chance to sneak out and find Sirius. Reg considered drowning himself in the bathtub. He really ruined it for his brother ...and Remus. That poor guy who had probably lived a peaceful live until now, that he was accused of fucking his way up. What Regulus heard on the phone that dreadful night did not sound like he took advantage of his brother's fame.

The next morning, he briefly met his mother, who dismissed him curtly, her eyes scanning the players for his brother.

"Regulus, do what you are told. No missteps! You really thought I would let you roam freely, disgracing the name of Black even more?" her long nails were digging though his armour, her voice calm but freezingly cold. They would not let him go and stay with Ben and Mateo. He was stuck with his actual family. Although completely unhelpful, Regulus felt the abandonment by Sirius cut in his chest. He left me with them... he knew how they were, even then.

But determined as always, he tried to help Sirius. He came here to talk to him, to -hopefully- mend fences and become brothers again.

How do I even get to him secretly? Regulus was still finalising his tactic as he noticed Severus and his mother glaring daggers at Sirius, looking much better than yesterday and signing stuff for people covered in rainbow-flags. He made an uncommonly rash decision.

Regulus quickly skated over to his brother, almost knocking him over and tried to warn him without being obvious. If he looked angry, he could play it off as scolding, if his mother inquired. But Sirius didn't understand that he tried to warn him, not to berate him. Reg allowed himself his internal eye-roll as he had nothing else going for him. Connard stupide.

That damn Tremblay wouldn't go away either and there was not much he could explain without him overhearing. Il est trop relou. He's annoying.

And before Regulus had conveyed the, rather important, message that their mother was coming for him, Snape called him over. After the skills-competitions, which he lost (much to the disdain and disappointment of his mother), he was ushered into the hotel room, petulantly supervised by Severus until the next day.

During the games, Snape couldn't hover around him and Regulus was paired to play with Sirius. He was not sure whether he should be glad or upset about this. He missed his few days of peace with his Hobbits, missed the easy conversations with Jo, missed being Reg.

Regulus felt miserable. Sirius had made it clear that he did not want him anymore and he dreaded going back to the prison that was his life. He rubbed over the butterfly stitches, closing the cut at his thigh and somewhat cursed meeting Ben at all. Without him, he wouldn't have known how lousy his life actually was. He was not in the mood anymore to get through to Sirius although the All-Star people all but shoved him into his face. He wanted to be left alone.

That was, until Sirius spoke, really spoke to him. Made clear that he did not hate Regulus, called him Reg, told him that he would help him get out if he wanted to.

His thoughts were twirling in his brain. There was a rapid shift in their estranged relationship, one that Reg loved. But they hadn't talked about the outing-thing and he grew more and more terrified of losing it all over again when he opened up. But Sirius seemed quite happy with the prospect of sorting things out. Alors, because he has no idea of the shit-show on the horizon.

Reg was happy, too. His brother really stayed with him. He did not go after the interviews, where he found the courage to openly support his brother, not just quietly in his mind. But he was also scared out of said mind by the prospect of returning to Slytherin, especially after that public statement.

Sirius turned to him. “Come back to Gryffindor with me. Minnie got you a seat with me and Logan. Tomorrow.”

There was an out? Relieve beyond belief soared though Reg as his brother pulled him into a hug. They hadn't done that in years. But the embrace triggered a chain of thoughts that yanked him out of his comfort. Ben. He thought there was an out before, but Ben and Mateo were not in the position to really help him, as much as they wanted to. Sirius, on the other hand had quite a bit of leverage.

Reg felt ungrateful.

That weird guy who found him bleeding and crying in the shower, hugged him, took him home and just made him part of the family in three days.

"You know what, I’m your mom now!”

“I’m talking now as your fried -or co-mom, apparently..."

Both, Ben and Mateo said that after Reg confessed what he had done. Even then, they wanted him to be there, to stay with them. He wanted to be with them, too but not with everything else waiting in Slytherin. His throat was tight. Reg wanted both. He wanted to keep this new-found people and be with his brother. And he felt like shit for assuming Sirius gave him a better chance for an escape.

But Reg and Sirius hadn’t talked yet. His brother new nothing. Would he still be so inclined to take Reg with him if he knew who turned his life inside-out? He needed to talk to him before they boarded the plane. And he needed to talk to Ben and Mateo. And Jo. Wonderful, funny Jo, who was open, honest and kind. Who cared for him and liked him as person, not as hockey player. And Jo, who he would probably leave behind just like Ben and Mateo for his brother. If Sirius still wanted him.

The fear of losing so much nearly overwhelmed him. He needed an out.

“Okay,” Regulus said into Sirius’ neck, voice thick. “Okay."

They would meet at Sirius room in about an hour. Time for Reg to sneak into his own room and gather his things, hopefully without running into Severus.

Thank all the deities whose existence I doubt that Severus is anywhere but in there. Reg thought relieved after closing the door behind him. He felt a bit calmer now that he made a plan. He would call the Hobbits from a telephone booth he saw on his way (Apparently, they still existed).

A small piece of paper with the number was shoved into his pocket by Mateo before he went to the airport in Slytherin.

"Just in case."

oOo

"Hello?"

"Ben?"

"Reg? Hi! Is everything OK? What kind of number is this?"

"We watched All Star all day, you did great!!!" Jo's voice drifted in from the off

"Erm... yes, well... um...I call from a telephone booth and I- I kind of need to talk to you guys."

"Okaay... I didn't know these things still exist. Anyway, do you want me to put you on speaker?"

"OK." Reg felt so nervous, his voice was tight, his gut clenched.

"Hello there, Reg! What's up?" Mateo.

"Erm..." The Reg of question had no idea how to approach the issue, but time was pressing.

"Come on, it's us. What's bothering you?"

"I- I talked to Sirius and he wants to take me with him home but he doesn't know it's all my fault and Maman will not let me stay with you she will find a way and if I don't leave with Sirius I might never get out of there but I do not want to leave you guys and I do not want to be ungrateful but I feel like this but I really want out of there but maybe Sirius doesn't want be with him once he finds out and please don't hate me." Once the floodgates opened it all came out in a stumbled, confused word-vomit.

Smooth and collected.

"Whoa, whoa Okay. Keep calm, everything's okay. Just let us go through that one at a time. Do you have enough coins?"

"Yes." He choked out.

“Good. So, we try to repeat to what you have told me in some kind of order, and you tell me if we got that right, OK?”

"OK."

"You talked to your brother and he wants to help you out of your abusive situation. You think that he can really help you, but you are afraid he doesn't what once he learns how he got outed, right?"

Reg couldn't answer. That was on point. Instead, he let out a deep sigh. "Mhm."

"Okay. Well, we do not know Sirius. So, we don't know how he might react but at least on the screen he seemed to be getting more confident with this. Talk to him. I'm sure he sees that, while you accidentally started the whole thing, the reaction of the people is not your fault."

"But-" Reg all but choked out. He was so fucking afraid. “But what if not?”

"I know. Maybe you have to trust him a little there."

"I- I try. There is not much else I can do anyway, is there?" A bitter laugh escaped his lips.

"Well, you could also come back to us. I know you said your mother wouldn't let you." Ben said quickly before Reg could tell him exactly that.

"But if everything else fails, rebook your flight to another time and we get you directly from the airport. Please keep that in mind. Our door is open for you. We're your moms, after all."

"None of us is mad because you want to get out. We want you to get out, too. You are not ungrateful. It's not that you walk out on us or anything."

"Also, phones and stuff exist, obviously. Or did you plan to say goodbye now and never call again?"

Jo hadn't said anything so far and Reg ached with the slight insecurity in her voice. But then all the other things they said seeped through his mind, followed by warmth. They did not hate him; They were not angry. He hadn't messed up, so far.

"I- No. No, this is not a goodbye. I just wanted to talk to you, let you know what changed."

"And that was very nice of you, my son. Now, better go and talk to Sirius, yeah? And please give us a short call or send a message later. So that we know whether we have to kidnap you on Slytherin airport, or not." Ben sounded like he was joking but practically ushered him from the phone.

For the last five minutes, any unsuspecting hotel guest on floor three would have had the opportunity to observe one Regulus Black attempting to knock on a door and failing repeatedly.

Alors, Regulus Arcturus Black. Where are your metaphorical balls? Knock on that fucking door already!

The moment he did, he regretted it a little. Sirius flung the door open, phone at his ear, grinning. Hey. He mouthed and jerked his head to beckon Reg inside. Once the door was closed, Sirius looked at him again, still grinning and gesturing at his phone. Remus. Want to say hi?

Reg was very sure that he did not want to say hi. He still dreaded the wrath of both of them and shook his head no, looking pained.

oOo

Looking at the frantic shaking head of his brother, Sirius felt his stomach knot. What if he's not as accepting as he told the media? Does he hate me after all?

After saying goodbye to Remus and hanging up, there were a few eternities of awkward silence. They hadn't been alone in a room together since... a long time ago.

"Alors... Reg, erm" Sirius switched to French now. It felt more comfortable, like they were children again. "Would you like to tell me about what ha-"

"I'd rather not talk about that right now." Reg fidgeted nervously at the frayed cuffs of his sweater.

"Yeah, yeah. Sure." His brother looked like he'd rather just go to bed and never talk again but Sirius really had to ask before taking him to Gryffindor.

"Did you mean it? You really support me?"

"What do you mean?" Reg just glanced up from intensely memorising the pattern of the carpet.

"I suppose you followed twitter" At his dry tone, an eyebrow of Reg moved upwards.

"Yes, I did... But who you spend your free-time with and what you choose to do with them is indifferent to your hockey play."

"Warm words as always, loving brother." Now, the second eyebrow followed.

"Okay well, fuck you! You left me there, with our parents expecting me to outdo your every move! I know they are horrible, but you went and got better without me. You promised, to always be my brother, to be there for me. And then, you weren't. You abandoned me! Do you know how much I envied you for having friends, a team that supports you and genuinely likes you as a person, not just your play?”

"Reg..." Sirius tried to reach out to his brother, but Reg backed away.

"S-Sorry, that's not what I came here for. I wanted to tell you..." but the sentence just trailed off into tense silence.

"What is it?"

"I..."

"Come on, spit it out"

"I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about the situation."

"For what? Me being gay?" baffled, Sirius could only stare at his brother.

"No... for getting you into that situation... I did not want to hurt you or Remus"

"Well- Wait what?" Something awful was dawning in Sirius mind.

"I overheard your call on thanksgiving, you weren't exactly quiet... and please believe me I did not want this to happen... I-" Sirius felt suddenly cold all over.

"What. Did. You. Do?" his voice was barely above a whisper.

"It was at the Snake's Christmas... I- I was so lonely because of that Interview I was basically grounded and under constant observation... and I thought you hated me after that and... and I didn't want to - it just kinda slipped. I thought they all were too drunk to notice but-"

"Regulus." Crashing headfirst into the boards was pleasant compared to what Sirius felt right now. "Really I'm so-" Reg stammered, voice thick and eyes fixed on his shoes.

And next Sirius' fist crashed into his brother's face, sending him to the floor.

Sirius took a few ragged breaths, ready to succumb into a fit of rage but looking into his brother's face, almost a mirror of his own, eyes wide and blood tickling from his nose, not even trying to defend himself, he realised that this was not Regs fault… Sirius knew how their parents could get, knew the Snakes, knew that feeling of loneliness from when he was that young. His brother did not want to harm him but most importantly, it was not Regs fault how the public reacted and that he run away from Remus at the airport… Long ago, he promised himself to never hurt his baby brother, to protect him…. Sirius eyes welled up as he yanked him off the floor and pressed him to his chest. I'm sorry. Je suis désolé, je suis désolé... I'm sorry... I left you there, all alone... I'm sorry...

Regulus looked up into his face, tears streaking his face, too while both realised that although there is so much work to do between them after hall they lived through and did to each other, that they still have each other.

oOo

"Do you love him?" The brothers were sitting opposite each other on Sirius' bed, legs stretched out between them, both a cup of tea in their hands, Reg still pressing a tissue to his nose. Sirius was telling Reg about the general situation in Gryffindor.

"Yes", Sirius didn't even hesitate for a heartbeat.

"Have you actually put in the effort to tell him?" He leaned back against the headboard, crossing his legs.

"Reg, stop smart-assing."

"I see." Reg smirked a bit, " Then maybe, you know, mention it sometime. Or is he psychic?"

"You are a git."

"You like me."

"I ldo" Sirius snorted. " but I am still mad at you."

"As you have every right to be."

"Reg, ...why did you not speak to me first?"

"You mean because talking about feelings was exactly the sole centre of our upbringing?"

"You are not helping your cause."

"Je le sais. Je suis désolé mon frère... je suis sérieux." I know. I'm sorry... I really am.

oOo

After a few beats of a little more comfortable silence, a sudden reminder pinged through Reg's thoughts.

"Oh. I almost forgot. Can I take your phone to send a text? Mine is still spied at." He piped up rather automatically, then saw his brother's eyes narrow.

"Who would you want to text?"

"Erm..." Reg felt his cheeks heat, no idea how to explain this fever-dream-situation but the raised eyebrow with the expectant look on Sirius' face made him spill something. Reg thought it was a rather messily told story, but his brother seemed to follow.

"So, you had a meltdown after the tweed outing me and ...the guy that, cleans the stadium put you back together, had you checked by his EMP boyfriend and then took you home with the boyfriend to ...feed you soup and hug you good-night after telling you their life-stories?

"Yes."

"And then you came back to them two days later and told them about our family and they just offered you to live with them and -and announced themselves your mom and co-mom, while you refer to them as the Hobbits because they are short and friendy?"

"Yes."

"You are aware of just how absurd that sounds?"

"Mhm." Reg was gnawing at his bottom lip. He had not mentioned Jo so far. This was odd enough already.

"Just checking... Well, then go on." Sirius threw his phone across the bed, thinking of how lucky Reg got with these people but also looking for a catch.

This is Sirius' phone. I survived and will accompany him to Gryffindor tomorrow. Hugs, Reg. he quickly typed the message and sent it on its way.

When he woke up the next morning, around five, he found himself curled up on his side, head at the foot of the bed. Lifting said head, he caught a sight of his brother, mirroring his position so that their calves were at the back of the other.

"Just as we used to." He mumbled before carefully getting up and heading for the bathroom, getting ready for his flight.

#the spare #regulus black #sirius and regulus #my OC's #lumosinlove sweater weather

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lilaclovestowrite · 4 years

Text

Arcade Chaos (Katsuki x Cheerful!Reader)

“ Bakugo oneshot with cheerful!reader at arcade plz? ”

Type: Request from Quotev

Words: 2556

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Pairing: Katsuki x Reader

Genre: Hint of fluff, lots of Katsuki rage lol, and mainly humor

Summary: Somehow, you’re able to drag your crush, Katsuki Bakugou, to an arcade for the day. Of course, this creates chaos, since the Bakusquad happens to be there as well. But maybe, after all the chaos, you’ll finally be able to confess your true feelings to him!

Warnings:

None

💥💥💥

“Why the heck are we in this lame place!?” questioned an irritated Katsuki.

“Cuz arcades are fun!” I answered, leading him in by the hand. He was very resistant—but he was no match for my nonexistent strength.

“Fun? This place is for nerds who live in their mom’s basement. Just like stupid—”

“Deku, yeah, yeah,” I finished for him with a blasé attitude. “I’ve heard it all before. Why don’t you just focus on something else besides Midoriya?”

“Pfft, like what?”

“Uh, something that actually matters. Video games, obviously.”

“I’m leaving.” Just as he tried to escape, I pulled him back.

“Get yer hands off me!” He flicked his wrist away from me, and huffed as he scanned the arcade’s interior.

“Come on, please stay with me for just an hour? PLEEEEEAAAASSSEEEEEE~!?” I forcefully smiled, holding my hands together in a purposely pathetic pose.

“Well, you already kidnapped me so—whatever. And what’s the difference between these games and the ones on my phone? Only geeks play these chunky, 8-bit fossils.”

“Trust me. You’ll see,” I vaguely left as an answer.

After I dragged Katsuki around the building, I asked him if anything caught his eye. “So, do you know what game you wanna play?”

“’Nuke the Zombies’ didn’t look too trashy, I guess.”

I blinked once. “Uhh, how about something more child-friendly?”

“Fine. How about ’Blow up the Bunny’ then?”

Why did I ever think this was a good idea?

“Let’s not.”

But what we didn’t know, is that our other friends happened to be here as well! Eijiro, Denki, Hanta, and Mina approached us all at once.

“Wow! Hey, guys! Nice to see you here,” Eijiro greeted.

Hanta laughed. “Didn’t really expect to see you two here. . .specifically, together.”

“The heck you mean by that!?” Katsuki nearly erupted, but I held him back.

“Oh, y’know—just figured you’d be at home plotting your revenge for Midoriya or something.”

His response only earned him a snarl from Katsuki. But Mina, on the other hand, decided to push all of Katsuki’s buttons without thinking.

“Maybe they’re on a date!!” she gasped. “WAIT, ARE YOU—”

“SHUT YOUR MOUTH!! This isn’t a heckin’ date!” Katsuki debunked. “She bugged me nonstop about coming to this trash hole, and finally got on my nerves, so I came.”

By the smug look on my friend’s faces—they were obviously not buying it. Truthfully, I wouldn’t have minded it if were a date. Considering I’ve always had a thing for Katsuki. People may have thought I was crazy for liking someone so spastic with anger management issues—but there was more to him than just his atrocious personality. He had a lot of admirable qualities like uh, well, I’ll think of some later.

“Alright then~” Mina giggled.

“Guys, when can we play some games?” asked Denki.

“Right now!” Eijiro made an immediate beeline for Whac-A-Mole. “Bakugou, you gotta try out this game! I used to play it when I was younger, and it’s so much fun.”

“The heck is it?”

Katsuki stormed over and studied the attributes of the vintage game, while Eijiro explained the rules of it to him.

“And when the mole thing rises up, you just hit it with this mallet!”

“Pfft, sounds like a baby game. Pass.”

“Aw, c’mon!” I joined in, trying to convince him to try it out.

Hanta agreed, “Yeah! Don’t be such a wet blanket, man.”

After all our nagging, he eventually gave in and reluctantly picked up the game mallet. “Gross, a thousand brats probably got their diseased germs all over this thing.”

“They’re not as diseased as your attitude, that’s for sure—”

“COME AGAIN, KNOCK-OFF PIKACHU!?!”

“Hey, hey,” Eijiro tried calming. “Just try one round at least!”

“Ugh, fine.”

Once the game started, the plastic moles slowly rose up from their holes, and each one was hammered by Katsuki. He displayed his obvious boredom through stance and expression.

“This game is about as fun as watching paint dry.”

“Oh, it gets harder,” I snickered.

“This is about as hard as using Deku as a football.”

But he was soon showed otherwise—as the game’s difficulty increased. The moles now only stayed up for half a second now, and even Katsuki was having a hard time keeping up.

“C’mon, dude! Whack them!” Eijiro cheered.

“THIS STUPID MALLET ISN’T WORKING!!!” he screeched, causing the rest of the people around us to stare. It was a bit embarrassing. But that’s my penalty for going out in public with Katsuki. “DIE, RATS, DIEEEEEE!!!!” So, he dropped the mallet, and just started exploding the moles with his hands.

And of course, the result was he melted the arcade machine. All the moles were now nothing but liquefied plastic, which was totally uncalled for compared to the games standards.

I walked back to my friend’s table with Katsuki by my side.

“Alright, I just called Katsuki’s therapist and he was able to, er—scream out his issues. So, I think we’re good!” I informed with a thumbs up.

“My therapist can bite rocks.”

I let out a sigh of disappointment at his rude response.

“Hey, (Y/N)! Did you see any games that caught your eye?” Hanta wondered.

I answered with, “Hmm. . .well, I did wanna play Whac-A-Mole. But now it’s melted into the flooring, so. . .”

“It wasn’t even fun,” Katsuki downplayed. “I have more fun beating Deku. Wait—they should make a game called Whac-A-Deku. Now, I’d play that.”

We only stared at our friend, mildly disturbed.

Hanta said, “Pac-Man it is, then.”

After playing a few more games, we headed to the eating area. We ordered some pizza and soda, so we just chatted as we ate.

“You guys, what do you think is better? Pac-Man or Ms. Pac-Man?” asked Mina.

“They’re the same thing, Raccoon Eyes.”

“NO, PAC-MAN IS A MAN, AND MS. PAC-MAN IS A WOMAN.”

I awkwardly nibbled on my pizza, watching the conversation between them take a nosedive for the worst.

“Guys, is butter a carb?” Katsuki asked us.

Denki replied, “I don’t know—I don’t watch Gordon Ramsey.”

“Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.” He launched his pizza in the trash can (which he carelessly missed), and headed back to the ordering station.

Just as Katsuki got out of earshot, Mina immediately began interrogating me.

“So. . .ya sure you two weren’t on a date~?”

I went red with total shock and embarrassment. “What? No way! He doesn’t like me like that.”

Hanta chuckled. “He liked you enough for you to literally drag him here. That’s like, a deathwish for most people.”

I knew he had a point.

Eijiro said, “Plus, he needs a girlfriend. He needs someone to keep him fairly sane.”

All their talking had me blushing. Yes, I liked Katsuki a lot—but I never thought it’d go any further than that. However, you never know about these kind of things.

“So. . .should I ask him out or something?” I hesitantly questioned.

“Go ahead! I mean, there’s not a line of girls trying to date him, that’s for sure.”

I took it into consideration. Maybe today, I should try to make a move. I mean, YOLO, amirite?

“Alright, I’ll try next time I see him,” I gulped.

They all smiled uncontrollably, but instinctively stopped once Katsuki returned to the table.

“Why’re you idiots all staring at me like a bunch of idiots?”

“Oh, uh—well. . .” I mentally prepared myself for rejection. I knew all my friends were bursting at the seams, waiting for me to confess my feelings to Katsuki. But it was just so awkward. So, I chickened out. “I uh, wanted to know if you were gonna share your cheese fries with me.”

“What does share mean?”

I could hear Eijiro facepalm. So, I ended the awkwardness with, “Nothing! Just eat your fries—”

Later, we all continued searching for what else to play.

So, I cleared my throat to get everyone’s attention. “Ahem. How about we do something that’s multiplayer?”

“You mean like a competition?” Katsuki wondered, a psychotic smile forming on his face once the idea of winning first place entered his mind. Now, we were all scared.

“Uh, you’re smiling like a psycho again—I MEAN, uh, yeah! We just need to find a game that allows two players. . .and one that isn’t taken.” As I examined the room and every one of its consoles, I found one that caught my eye.

Dance Dance Revolution (DDR).

“Hmm, I know! That one!” I excitedly pointed to the one I was referring to.

“OMG, that one is so cool! I used to play it when I was younger!” Mina beamed.

“Oh, great. Dancing? I thought you’d pick something that would actually hold my interest. Like no-scoping zombies or something.”

I crossed my arms and said the thing I knew would make him do what I wanted. “What? You think you can’t beat me? Think I’m gonna win instead~?”

“Pfft, in your dreams. I’d beat you at any game at any time of the week. You’re a lame gamer.”

“You think so, eh? Well, let’s just find out!” I skipped over to the DDR machine and patiently waited for the two children to finish up their round. However, patience wasn’t an idea Katsuki could process in his arrogant brain.

“Hit the road, punks! I’ve got a game to win!” He shoved the two kids off, and cleared the platforms for both of us. I tried mouthing an apology to the two schoolboys, but they had already escaped to find their parents.

Katsuki extended his arms and stretched out his fingers. Eijiro and Hanta approached me, asking if I was sure this was a good idea. I knew Katsuki was unhealthily obsessed with winning, but that only made it more fun being his opponent, at least in my opinion! (Plus, seeing him fail was ten-times funnier).

“Go easy on her, dude,” Denki tried helping out.

“No way, Calamari. I’m not a braindead loser like you.” Finishing up his mini exercise, he stepped onto the dance platform. “What’re you waiting for, girly?” Katsuki snarked at me with a confident smirk.

I stepped on mine as well, and scrolled through the list of songs to perform. “We could start with easy mode,” I offered.

“No way. Go for the hardest mode you can find.”

Someone was going to break their legs, and it wasn’t going to be Midoriya this time around.

“Oh. . .well, uh—alright!” I landed my finger on this Vocaloid song called The Disappearance of Hatsune Miku, which was apparently the most challenging one on this menu. “Alright, there’s the modes: Beginner, Intermediate, Pro, Master, and uh, Death.”

“Choose Death then.”

With a cloud of anxiousness looming over my figure, I pressed that option. I didn’t know what to expect—but I was scared.

“How bad can it be?” chuckled Eijiro.

Oh, but it was pain. It was the most torture I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.

When the gameplay started, it wasn’t too hard in the intro of the song. But when the fast part came, it was like we were dancing to save our lives. People in the building came to spectate us and our anguish—but our friends cheered us on the entire time.

“REEEEEEEEE, END MEEEEEEEEEE!!!” Katsuki screeched as he barely managed to touch the flashing tiles on his platform.

I felt as if I was jumping across a room full of nails sticking straight up. I could barely keep up with the beat of the song, and I was already exhausted. But we weren’t even halfway into it.

“BEATING ALL FOR ONE IS EASIER THAN THIS TORTURE MACHINE!” roared Katsuki.

“You’re almost to the beat break!” Hanta reassured.

Finally, the first verse of the song ended. So, our legs could take a break for a few seconds. Katsuki and I were desperately trying to regain oxygen, since it was such a rush. When we looked at our current scores—I saw that I was luckily five points higher than Katsuki.

“WHAT THE HECK!? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!?” he raged.

“HA.”

Everyone cheered for me at the moment, but Katsuki wasn’t having it. He was more than determined to beat me now.

When the gameplay resumed, we continued to push ourselves to dance on the correct tiles. Our scores were nearing closer together, and it was only a matter of time before one of us passed each other for good and won.

“ALMOST THERE,” Katsuki spoke to himself, as he glimpsed at his own score.

But just the moment before it was all over, Denki accidentally activated his Quirk due to the hype building up in his system—and it shot out at the DDR machine, causing it to short-circuit and die.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” Katsuki bellowed out, as he fell on his knees and placed his hands on the now black screen. “I’M GONNA KILL YOU, STUPID PIKACHU!!!”

However, it was pointless because Denki already fried his brain and went dumb. “Wheyyyy~”

Eijiro couldn’t help but laugh hysterically, along with Hanta and Mina. It only made Katsuki’s blood boil—and frankly, I couldn’t help but giggle too.

“I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS PAIN.” Katsuki stood up and stalked out of the arcade. Of course, I followed him.

“Katsuki! Don’t be upset. It’s only a game.”

“I WAS SO CLOSE TO WINNING!” he fumed. “I COULD HAVE BROKEN THE STUPID RECORD—”

“Shh, just relax! They’ll probably fix it, and we can always come back later.” I placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, which he surprisingly didn’t flick off.

“Hmph. I’m never playing that demon game ever again.”

I laughed softly. “Well, there’s plenty of other games. But other than the fact Denki shut off the game—did you have fun?”

He turned his head to me, and for I moment, I swear I saw his eyes soften by a fraction. “Maybe a little—but not that much.”

I’ll take that as a yes, coming from him.

But now that we were together with no other distractions, I decided to take a risk and slide my hand into his. He widened his eyes—since affection was probably a concept far removed from his unfriendly mentality.

I looked down at the floor and smiled, saying, “I was thinking, Katsuki. Would you uh, would you consider being my Player Two?”

I didn’t even care how cheesy I was being at this point.

“The heck does that mean?”

Our friends screamed from a distance, “SHE’S ASKING YOU OUT, GENIUS!”

Katsuki stiffened up, since he was struggling to find a riposte to throw back in my face. But it was relentless. Instead, he let out a sigh and told me, “That’s the sappiest and most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard—but sure. You’re not as annoying as the others.”

I strained my cheeks from smiling so much, and I threw my arms gleefully around Katsuki. The others were probably afraid he’d blow up or something, but thankfully, he didn’t. Instead, he returned the favor by awkwardly rubbing my head.

“They’re so cute together~” sighed Mina.

“Yeah, Bakugou better not screw it up,” Eijiro added with a smile.

“It’s Bakugou, he screws everything up.”

“True.”

Maybe coming to this place was a good idea after all~

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pyrogina · 5 years

Text

my keto experience

Intro/TL:DR

As a preface I can report that I lost 17lbs in 30 days while strictly adhering to a keto diet. I'm a 34 year old canadian woman who works from home as an artist and a huge helping factor for me was the freedom to stay home on the bad days and the ability to purchase fresh meats and vegetables on a weekly basis. This is a really tough diet but if you put the right pieces in place, it might work for you too. Additionally, I am NOT a dietitian/nutritionist in any way, shape, or form. Everything posted here is from my own experience and a modicum of research on the net. Please double-check my facts before you begin this diet for yourself.

Is keto for you?

The first and hardest question to ask yourself about a ketosis diet is, Can I Endure this? And you should not feel any guilt if the answer to that question is no, because this is a very invasive and aggressive diet that will cause you physical pain even if just for a brief amount of time. Similar to vegetarianism, or is extreme cousin, veganism, a keto diet involves cutting out large swaths of the food pyramid to facilitate this diet. This does not mean going hungry, the foods that are removed will be replaced with other foods, only without any (or minimal) artificial or natural sugars. Sugar is just a chemical, which doesn't sound like a huge sacrifice, right? Most adults don't bother adding sugar to anything other than tea or coffee, but sugar is much more deeply rooted in our lives than you may realize.

Carbohydrates can be found in virtually every type of ready-to-serve foods: breads, wraps, pastas, fried snacks, hors d'oeuvre (these are examples of things I ate before this diet). All of these delicious and very satisfying foods have a fiber content and sugar content. You're still allowed to consume these, and I encourage you do so, but make sure to monitor the grams of total carbohydrates you consume that day. During this diet you will only be allowed to consume 20 grams (to 50 grams, depending on your body and personal needs) a day. remember this. Those 20 grams of carbs maybe the difference between you having a normal day and one of the worst days of your life.

Before I chose to begin a keto diet, I had been exercising casually (as before I was sedentary, more details on this later) and consuming about half as many carbohydrates as I had normally done in my life before. During the two years I was living this way, I was able to lose approximately 20lbs (from about 230 to 210). If you're starting your diet or lifestyle change from scratch, maybe try starting here first. Its significantly slower (10lbs in nearly a year), but it will not cause any pain or significant inconvenience.

What’s the big deal?/What to eat?

Sugar is a chemical, and more than that, its a drug that your body has been dependent on since you were a wee baby in your mama’s belly. Sugar makes your brain work and when you mess with your brain’s intake of the all-important-life-sauce it goes into panic mode. In the first 2-3 days (up to 6 if your me!) you will literally, physically go into a state of depression. Many had described it to me as ‘keto flu’ but as a survivor of 2009s Swine flu, I can most assuredly tell you that keto is much, MUCH worse.

First, my appetite became very finicky (and i'm already a very picky eater). I had no desire to eat the genuinely tasty keto meals that my boyfriend had lovingly prepared. I didn't want to draw, and I wasn't even in the mood to play easy video games. All I felt like doing was crying or sleeping (which I did, for 9 hours in the middle of my 3rd day). This is why, whenever I speak to someone who’s even moderately interested in this diet to BOOK TIME OFF YOUR JOB!!! It’s inconceivable to me to be forced to face other human beings in this state of physical distress. You need to pamper yourself while in this state in order to endure it and ensure your success.

There was one more bump in the road around the one-week point but i'm fairly certain it came down to a combination of dehydration and moodiness (period) so perhaps that was an outlier. Either way, water is the key when you start feeling shitty. Get yourself a nice BPA-free water bottle that you're comfortable carrying around and keeping full of fresh water. Once your body is in ketosis (you can check using those little paper sticks you pee on from the drug store, wash your hands!) you will get tired and moody the very instant you become hungry at mealtimes. Sometimes you don't even feel the familiar hunger pangs from your previous diet and mistake it for just a general bad mood. Always have a sip of water, babes; that’s your brain telling you to hydrate.

Alternatively, after eating a keto meal you still may feel hungry or unsatisfied, even sad (longing for your favourite dessert). This is where those 20g of carbs come in pretty clutch. Finding your perfect portion of reward may be impossibly difficult, I can only tell you what made me feel better when I got the cravings. Blueberries are quite sweet, they have a lot of natural sugar, but a handful of them sufficed as an incredibly sweet treat (some keto dieters have proclaimed that ‘regular things taste much sweeter than before’, I didn't experience this). Minigo/iogo yoghurt cups are fatty and sweet and work as a decent replacement to ice cream (count the carbs!). On extra tough mornings (in addition to bacon and eggs! Totally keto!) we would split a cavendish oven-fried hashbrown (about 15g; 7.5g split between my partner and I).

There are a surprising amount of natural foods that are not keto, but in careful proportions, can be incorporated into a daily keto diet. Most every fruit (that I checked) is very sugary but can make for a nice dessert. Certain vegetables like carrots or potato have too many carbs to be anything more than a boost when you feel shitty. Red onions have a very small amount of carbs (sugar and fibre work together to your benefit!) and server to replace pasta as a side to a nice steak dinner.

On that note, you need fibre to make your BMs move. Cutting carbs from your life means your number 2’s go bunny mode…. Take a sugar-free metamucil on any day where you have more meat during a meal than other types of food, or the toilet will be a nightmare.

Meals:

Cutting away pastas, breads, and other sides seems like an insane task but with some discipline and creativity, it's quite manageable. Breakfast didn't change much: eggs any way (sunny side for me, cheddar omelette for my BF) with bacon or sausage. Lunch was some combination of chicken breast and various salads (so many salad dressings are low or no carb! Read the back!). On steak night, we replace noodles with sauteed red onions fried and seasoning. Snacktime was usually pre-sliced cheddar cheese (go NUTS that shit is A-OK!), unsalted peanuts (other nuts have marginally more carbs, almonds and sunflower are moderate, check what works for you), or small amounts of beef jerky. Accompany those snacks with a big drink of water, or if you've had enough of that, certain drinks are acceptable like tea or coffee (with sweetner and high fat milk, skim milk is too sugary), diet sodas, sugarfree drink mix (migo, nestea). Just remember water, water, water.

Is it worth it? Pros/Cons

Cons:

-HURTS LIEK DRUG WITHDRAWL (you're literally coming down from the lifelong chemical addiction of sugar. It hurts like Trainspotting)

-MEAT (you will be consuming a lot of animal product)

-POOP (even when you have your metamucil, the toilet can take some time)

-SWEETS (the cravings for your favourite yumyums will almost never stop, it takes monk-like discipline)

-BORING (you can't go out and enjoy meals/drinks with friends and family without them or the restaurant making odd or even crappy exceptions. Keto menu options are slowly becoming popular though)

-TIRED (the first week or two will be very tedious and you won’t have any energy, even your favourite hobbies may seen unfulfilling for a time)

-ALCOHOL (basically none, unless you like vodka and sugarfree mix, you'll get drunk a lot quicker and end up feeling shittier without carbs in your body to process the liquor)

Pros:

-INSTANT RESULTS (in my first week i lost nearly 10lbs, and then two for every subsequent week. note that, just like any diet, there will be bounce-back)

-APPETITE LOSS (once you get into the swing of this, after the 2 week mark, you’ll find you no longer are pained when your hungry and the bigger cravings subside)

-BUDGET (this is a bit of an odd one and may not necessarily reflect your cost benefits. Before engaging in this diet, my BF and I discovered we were spending too much money on restaurants and leaving the food in the fridge to waste. This was primarily because we were too lazy to cook. Getting off our asses and cooking 6 days of the week made an immediate impact on this for us. If you already do that, this won't apply. Concurrently, we spent more money at the grocery store ensuring we always had fresh meat and vegetables; this did net us positive)

-REWARDING MEALS (having to stop and think about what it takes to make a tasty and satisfying meal has forced us to look at things in a different way. Making yourself and your partner a healthy, supremely tasty meal gets those endorphins peaking)

-EXERCISE (Unnecessary! Your choice! Just note that building muscle increases your weight as muscle weights more than fat)

My fave meals:

-Coffee (reluctantly replacing 1tsp of sugar with a fairy-dust sprinkling of sweetner cos i HATE sweetner, its 20-30x stronger than sugar so you only need 1/20th as much)

-Eggs and bacon!!! (sausage sometimes too)

-Garlic grilled chicken with spinach salad (onions, sliced almonds, feta, dressing)

-Steak and red onions (meat rare and onions grilled with seasoning)

-Spicy ground pork tacos (replace the taco/burrito with large boston lettuce leaves, shredded cheddar, green onions, diced tomato, dab of ranch sauce)

-Baked chicken breast stuffed with ricotta and spinach, topped with parmesan

-Slow-cooked pulled pork slathered with sharp cheddar (just eat with a fork!)

-Baked shrimp with garlic butter and parmesan

-Jalapenos stuffed with ricotta, cream cheese and cheddar, then wrapped in a strip of bacon (great late-night snack)

-Even changing the texture of a cheese can change the taste of the meal. Shredded cheddar adds a salty bite to a lettuce wrap, grated parmesan can trick a baked chicken breast into thinking its breaded. creamy cheeses can replace other baking sauces entirely.

-Diet pops (make sure its 0 sugar!), and tea/coffees with sweetner are fine, they do contain a lot of sodium though, make sure to drink 1-for-1 with water (meaning: every diet coke or tea you have, accompany it with the same amount of plain water so your body can process it and pee it out).

Variations/Control:

Vitamins: It should be noted that I take a daily multivitamin (C3+D) as I generally don't get enough sun or fruits. I highly recommend you take these just in general. They help keep skin soft and blemish free (I initially began taking these because of acne on upper arms and it cleared within days).

Activity: As briefly mentioned earlier, I began shifting from sedentary (not moving much, sitting for hours a day) to a more active lifestyle about 2-3 years ago. This entailed a personal regimen of making an attempt at physical activity approximately half the days of the month (period week was generally excluded). Every other day I would attempt one of the following: walking at least 2km, 15-20m of floor exercises (‘lady push-ups’, sit-ups), 15-20m of time on the indoor bike, or an hour of house related chores (lifting, laundry, cleaning, anything that involves getting sweaty). In addition to these, yoga is peppered into my lifestyle as frequently as possibly, particularly in the morning before breakfast. On days where i'm unable to exercise, I at least attempt the basic yoga poses to stave off my (no-longer chronic) back pain.

#personal #diet #keto diet #ketosis #okay to reblog #no one proofread this for me...#ill try to keep edits to a minimum

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the-captains-on-shore-leave · 6 years

Note

I've seen a lot of tf2 stuff here and I'm wondering if I should get into it? I know OF the game, but that's pretty much it. What's it about? Where do I start?

buddy Y E S. it’s like this weird unlikely ~timeless masterpiece~ that has sooo many different facets to it. it’s silly and ridiculous and saturated with lots of interesting lore and characters, as well as fun and INCREDIBLY versatile gameplay- it can be played like a serious shooter with a serious objective, or it can become a block party where everything’s silly taunts and hats and the points don’t matter and oh boy just wait until you see the halloween events. tf2′s given me some of the best friends i’ve ever had, has gotten me through some of my darkest times, and has just generally brought me so much joy (directly and indirectly) throughout the years, that it will probably be one of my favorite video games for the rest of my life. so YES i highly recommend you give it a shot lol.

AND OK, SO…I ENDED UP WRITING A LOT. LIKE BASICALLY A BRIEF CRASH COURSE ON TF2. but c’mon man you’re asking me about one of my favorite games..i can’t help myself lol. i mean…objectively it’s very short for covering 10+ years of content, riiiight

but foreal it’ll just take a few minutes to read and it will give you some useful insight into tf2, what it is, and everything else you need to start your ✧・ﾟ:* magical *:・ﾟ✧ hat-based journey (btw almost all italics are links jsyk, i know my blog is dumb and doesn’t make that obvious)

TL;DR:gaem is about shoot and silly hat with 9 boyes. is v fun 2 play, start with am watch meet the team videoz on tf yootoob.

And now for a more detailed explanation:

i’ll start by telling you how it began: “team fortress” was the first team fortress series game ever made. this game was a quake mod, made in the mid-90s, not developed by valve, and based in another engine. it got reeeally popular, so, eventually, valve saw it, liked it, and put a ring on it, hiring the team to make a team fortress half-life mod, and later, a standalone version, known as “team fortress classic” (essentially, in regards to modern lore, tf1). valve eventually started developing a standalone sequel to tfc, “team fortress 2: brotherhood of arms.” this game was, stylistically, VERY different from the tf2 we know today- it was a super-realistic military game (kinda like counter strike?). but for some reason (thank you god) they ended up doing a 180 and went for something more cartoony (if they’d gone with that original design, tf2 probably would’ve outdated and died off years ago). this more cartoony style is what you see today.

so now we’ve covered tf2′s history, let’s talk about what it is: team fortress 2 is an online team-based multiplayer first-person shooter game that features a variety of gamemodes. here’s the basic in-game menu layout when you fire it up:

these different gamemodes include a casual mode, a competitive mode, and a player vs bot mode (which is super fuuuunn). here’s what the menu looks like when you click the “find a game” tab:

i’m mostly familiar with casual mode (formally known as “pubs” for “public servers”), which is the main part of the game anyway, so i’ll list what type of objectives you have to choose from in casual mode: (CORE GAME MODES) attack/defense, capture the flag, control points, king of the hill, and payload; (VALVE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE DOING ALTERNATIVE GAME MODES) payload race, mannpower, pass time, and miscellaneous game modes.

but tf2 doesn’t only appear in game form! i remember i was hella confused about what exactly tf2 was for the longest time because of this, so next, let’s break down what it manifests as: a video game, a comic series, and animated shorts (both official and fan-made). source filmmaker (sfm) is the animation program valve developed and uses to animate their shorts. a few years ago, this program was made free to the public, so there have been maaaaany many fan animations and posters made over the years about tf2 using the program. so many, in fact, that valve decided to start holding an annual tf2 film festival, called “the saxxy awards” (”saxxy” coming from “saxton hale,” a dude we’ll touch on ina bit). the festival is an opportunity for animators to showcase their skills, and SO many seriously amazing projects have come out of them. i recommend checking out winglet, uberchain, mag magnet, krunkidile (specifically his “TSA” series), py-bun, and nonamesleft, they are all very skilled animators who are also quite active in the community! there are so many more amazing sfm animators, but my brain is just about fried (it’s almost 4am), so i can’t think of them right now, but keep an ear open for whenever this year’s saxxies roll around and you’ll discover more no problem!

let’s move onto what it’s about: the story takes place in the 1970s, and centers around 9 mercenaries who have been hired to fight in a “war.” the “war” was started by 2 bitch ass rich ass brothers who got their wealthy father to buy an enormous expanse of land in new mexico and move their family there. the brothers hated each other with a petty fury, and their father hated them both because the land they convinced him to buy….was absolutely worthless! so when he died, he gave their family munitions company “mann co.” to his closest aide (barnabus hale), and left them both nothing but that enormous plot of worthless gravel-filled land (hence the name “the gravel wars”) to fight over. and they’ve been fighting over it ever since. the bros got played, but they are so single-minded in their sibling rivalry that they don’t care.

it’s on this land where most of the in-game maps are located. the brothers’ names are redmond mann and blutarch mann (hence the team names red and blu). in-game, you play on either red or blu. on both sides, you can play as any of the 9 mercenaries, scout/soldier/pyro (offense), heavy/demoman/engineer (defense), or sniper/medic/spy (support). it’s never really touched upon in lore how both brothers managed to hire the same mercenaries to fight, and it probably never will be, since it is just an in-game mechanic. but it does still beg the question. in the shorts, it’s shown that they literally fight clones of themselves (like in the game). in the comics, certain mercenaries are shown on blu team, while others are on red. there are a lot of fan theories, but generally it’s just said that “they fight each other” (interpret as you will). the world may never know.

each of the mercs are referred to by their job title (i.e. heavy weapons guy, sniper, medic, etc.), but they have their own real names oc (except maybe pyro). however, we don’t know all their names yet. they each have really unique personalities and skills that have built them to be these memorable characters. which leads me to where you should start:

i would say go to the team fortress youtube channel and just start working your way through the videos. Start with the “meet the ____” videos, cause those will give you a sense of who the 9 mercenaries are personality-wise (and sort of lore- and gameplay-wise, too). on that channel, you’ll also find some shorts that don’t have to do with any particular mercenary. these shorts were made to coincide with the various in-game updates that have happened throughout the years (the most recent short being “jungle inferno,” released just a few months ago).

once you’ve gone through all of that, and if you find you wanna dive deeper into the lore of tf2, you could start reading the tf2 comics. i highly recommend them, they’re all written very well, have a great sense of humor, and have a surprisingly extensive and intriguing storyline. you can find them all here. the comics are broken up into sections: tf comics, update comics, and the saxton series. the saxton series are some silly vintage comic book covers that feat. ya boi saxton hale (current owner of mann co. and grandson of barnabus hale. also i didn’t mention this before but mann co. supplies the gravel war effort. jsyk). the saxton series isn’t really lore relevant. but the update and tf comics are. i highly recommend starting from the bottom of the page and working your way up. pay attention to the date the comic was uploaded (beneath the comic icon and title), and just read them in chronological order from oldest to newest. that way you won’t get confused or not know who’s who, what’s happening, etc. it’ll basically be like you were along for the updates without having to put up with the wait! speaking of which…

currently we’re all on the edge of our seats waiting for the next and final tf2 comic. been waiting for over a year and counting…

the last comic came two years after it’s predecessor, so….let’s just say you’ve got time. and plenty of it.

OKAY SO I THINK THAT JUST ABOUT BRIEFLY TOUCHES ON EVERYTHING U GOTTA KNOW. the rest of the story is lore stuff that you really should read in the comics. it’s worth it, trust me. and you just gotta experience the game for yourself. you can add me if you want (send me your steam profile) and we can play some. i’m always down for a few rounds :)

anyway, i hope this was helpful and not too tedious to get through. most importantly, i hope it encouraged you to get into tf2! it might seem daunting or a lot of stuff to take in at first, but it gets easier once you get a foothold. and you might decide that you don’t really care for the lore, only the game. or vice versa. but however you choose to enjoy it, it’s a great thing to experience, and i hope you choose to. i hope i helped at least a bit!

#asks #tf2 #tf2 crash course

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aion-rsa · 6 years

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Avengers: Infinity War Easter Eggs and Marvel Reference Guide

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We're tracking down every single Avengers: Infinity War easter egg and Marvel Comics reference, but we need your help!

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Mike Cecchini Jim Dandy Gavin Jasper

Avengers: Infinity War

Aug 1, 2018

Marvel

This article is full of MAJOR Avengers: Infinity War spoilers. If you haven't seen the movie yet, read our spoiler free review here.

Well, it's finally here. The culmination of the Marvel Cinematic Universe has arrived with Avengers: Infinity War, and as we all suspected, it's insane, and absolutely packed with everything fans want to see.

But don't be fooled by the fact that this is a story about Thanos wielding an all-powerful Infinity Gauntlet to make life miserable for all your favorite Marvel superheroes. Avengers: Infinity War is full of crazy surprises, and all the comics knowledge in the world won't prepare you for what's coming. We're trying to track down all of the Marvel easter eggs in the movie...but we need your help. So if you spot something that we missed, shout it out down in the comments, or hit me up on Twitter, and we'll keep updating this until it's the most complete Marvel easter egg guide to Avengers: Infinity War around!

Read the latest Den of Geek Special Edition Magazine Here!

Now, let's get to work...

The Infinity Gauntlet

- The movie takes plenty of liberties with the original The Infinity Gauntlet comic story. In fact, you can't even really call this movie an adaptation of that story...and it's certainly not an adaptation of The Infinity War comic, either. But there are still some early similarities. But the fact that Thanos spends most of his time gathering the stones during the movie makes it more of a loose adaptation of The Thanos Quest by Jim Starlin and Ron Lim than anything else. But again, it's a pretty loose adaptation.

- The Hulk falling to Earth from space and landing in Doctor Strange's Sanctum is reminiscent of something that happened early on in The Infinity Gauntlet comics, except there, it was the Silver Surfer who warned Strange of Thanos' coming, not Bruce Banner, right down to the "Thanos is coming."

- Loki is dead. Most fans (including me) expected Loki to serve the kind of role that Mephisto did in The Infinity Gauntlet comics. There, Mephisto was kind of an obsequious "guide" for Thanos, and that's the word that Loki offers...before he tries (and fails) to betray Thanos. Well, if you've gotta go, this is the way to do it.

But seriously, couldn't you just imagine Loki behaving like this for his own ends? Even the body language is the same!

Also, Loki's attempted betrayal/stabbing of Thanos reminds me of Prince Thun trying to take out Ming the Merciless in Mike Hodges' masterful Flash Gordon movie.

- Wong tells the origin of the Infinity Stones, which is kind of like the creation myth of the entire Marvel Universe when you think about it. Something very similar was done in the pages of The Thanos Quest, and they basically hint that these are fragments of God!

(thanks to Dylan Bates for helping me out with that one!)

- The weird reality-warping "deaths" that Thanos inflicts on Drax and Mantis is really reminiscent of the ways that Thanos tortured Eros, Nebula, and others in The Infinty Gauntlet comic.

Thanos

- In the comics, and certainly by The Infinity Gauntlet era, Thanos was known as the Mad Titan, and he was a pretty irrational dork most of the time. Thanos was in love with the cosmic physical manifestation of death, and this whole thing was a way for him to impress him. He's a really needy, giant purple MRA, basically.

But here, Thanos is kind of rational, if still a dick. Here is obsession is with bringing balance to the universe to preserve resources, and his motives are almost like, I dunno, an extremely shitty environmentalist or something. If anything, his motivations here more resemble the character as he was portrayed in The Thanos Imperative comic than The Infinity Gauntlet.

Thanos' armor and helmet bears the strongest resemblance to recent designs in the comics, as well as the design for Thane, his son's outfit in Infinity.

- Gamora has "always hated" Thanos' weird throne/chair, which is pretty hilarious considering it was such an iconic part of the character's whole "thing" for so many years.

- Have we seen Thanos' vaguely Ancient Egyptian looking guards before? They're the ones guarding Nebula while she's being tortured. What a cool design they have. I feel like maybe they were hanging around with Ronan in the first Guardians movie, but my brain is so fried from this movie I can't trust myself.

- Thanos creepy army of Alien-looking drones are called Outriders, and they're also from the Infinity crossover.

- Thanos' crack about how he could "finally rest" once he achieves his goal is a reference to the "Farmer Thanos" he became in the comics, and that we glimpse at the very end of this movie.

- Thanos literally snaps his fingers to bring about the end of half of all life in the universe, which is exactly what he did in the first chapter of The Infinity Gauntlet comic. And that's what he did BEFORE the fighting started there!

- In the closing credits, there's a line that reads “the producers would like to recognize Jim Starlin for his significant contribution to the film.” Saying Starlin made a "significant contribution" to this movie is an understatement. The vast majority of Thanos stories, and certainly the Thanos stories that matter, were written and often drawn by Jim Starlin. That's HIS character, just as surely as most of the others on screen are Stan Lee and Jack Kirby's.

The Black Order

We're introduced to Thanos' Black Order early on, and they first appeared in Jonathan Hickman's massive Thanos vs Avengers story, Infinity. In the comics, they were also known as the Cull Obsidian, and are basically Thanos' generals, but here it's implied that they are Thanos' children. We went into MUCH more detail about them right here.

Check out the whole skeevy squad in the movie...

From left to right, that's Proxima Midnight, Ebony Maw, Corvus Glaive, and Cull Obsidian. Your ears do not deceive you, that is Carrie Coon as Proxima Midnight.

“Even in death you have become children of Thanos” - this line from Ebony Maw (who never shuts the hell up) hints at Thanos' obsession with death as a concept, even if the movie gives him a more practical outlook than his comic book counterpart, and a less physical manifestation of Death herself. We'll get into more of that in a bit. I also couldn't help but feel that Ebony Maw kind of acts like a "herald of Galactus" when it comes to announcing the coming of Thanos.

But speaking of death...

Heimdall is dead, and it's always going to be a shame that this franchise never used Idris Elba to the fullest.

Guardians of the Galaxy

- The song playing during the Guardians' intro here is "Rubberband Man" by The Spinners, and it's kinda great. And as it turns out, James Gunn did indeed choose the tune. "The first song is James," co-writer Stephen McFeely told us. In fact, go read the whole interview with the writers because it's a riot.

- The Guardians are flying a new ship. This ain't the Milano...it's the Benatar. And for real, nobody can tell me that "Invincible" isn't the best Pat Benatar song.

- Teen Groot is playing a handheld version of the 1981 arcade game, Defender, which is an all-time coin-op classic. This is the closest we're going to get to the Netflix Defenders on the big screen, though. We wrote lots more about Groot's favorite game right here.

- Thanos calls on the Collector to pick up the reality stone from him. In The Thanos Quest comic, he does indeed kick the Collector's ass for a stone, but there it was for the soul stone, not reality.

- This is a great catch (thanks to Andrew Gallo!), Thanos' "where is the stone" line to the Collector echoes Benicio del Toro's line in Snatch!

By the way...what is the tree in the Collector's place, there? It looks familiar, but I can't quite place it, and I feel like I'm going to look like an idiot as soon as one of you points it out to me.

- The Collector for whatever reason owns Tobias Funke of Arrested Development fame (which is even confirmed in the end credits). Tobias is covered in blue paint, much like the episode of the show where he tried to join Blue Man Group. I don't even want to get into the can of worms with the continuity considering Tobias once put together a Fantastic Four musical.

- As the Guardians are heading into the Collector's lair, there's some circuitry on the wall that kind of reminds me of the Jack Kirby-esque designs we saw so much of in Thor: Ragnarok.

- The unnecessary reference to Footloose is a callback to the first Guardians of the Galaxy movie, but also feels a little out of place with Spidey. It makes sense that Spidey would be down with things like Star Wars and Alien, but Footloose? C'mon. Nobody his age cares about that flick.

- Drax is eating a bag of Zargnuts...which makes me think of Zagnut, the candy bar that Beetlejuice used to lure an insect to its death in Tim Burton's classic movie which had seriously better never have a sequel or reboot ever. Anyway, this is perhaps an unnecessary pop culture connection to make and I now apologize to Peter Parker about my Footloose crack above.

Nebula

- Worth pointing out that Nebula is Thanos' daughter in the MCU, but she's his granddaugher in the comics. His shitty treatment of her remains the same. Seriously, dude...lighten up.

We see Nebula half-disassembled and held in stasis, in a state of constant agony. In the comics, Thanos used the power of the Gauntlet to burn her to a crisp and keep her in a state between living and dying. Zombie Nebula with flesh dripping off her skeleton might have been a bit of a stretch for PG-13 MCU stuff, but this is the closest we're likely to get to that. It's definitely inspired by the comics.

Gamora

- During the flashbacks detailing how he adopted Gamora, I'm pretty sure you can spot those giant Chitauri worm ship things from the first Avengers movie.

- In the comics Gamora has always been a big fan of blades and edged weapons. I feel like we get the "origin" of that with the knife here.

- Maybe Gamora knows ANOTHER secret about Thanos? For example, in the comics, Thanos always plants the seeds of his own defeat, because subconsciously he feels that he isn't worthy of power. Is this something Gamora knows? Well, knew...because she's dead. Right? Nah.

- While Gamora's death is a powerful scene here, this is the one proper on-screen death that I don't expect to stick. James Gunn has plans to complete the team's story in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3, and I can't imagine Marvel would rob him of one of his most important and interesting characters.

Don't be surprised if it turns out Gamora is just imprisoned in the soul stone. And seriously, how amazing is Zoe Saldana in this movie?

Thor

- This movie has the best Thor moments of any of his big screen appearances. And yes, I'm including the wonderful Thor: Ragnarok. The fact that they took us to Nidavelir, the home of the Norse Dwarves, and instead made it the heart of a star where Mjolnir was forged, well, that's a pretty wonderful way to do things.

- Making Peter Dinklage into the dwarf, Eitri, was even better. The Marvel Comics version of Eitri isn't nearly as cool as Peter Dinklage, but he made his first appearance in Thor Annual #11 in 1983.

- Is this the first time we learn Thor's actual age is 1500 years old?

- The whole sequence of Thor "starting up a star" is the kind of crazy "only in comics" thing that I love so much, and it feels like something that would come right out of the mind of Jack Kirby or Jason Aaron.

And c'mon, tell me this next shot doesn't look like a Jack Kirby panel come to life!

Right? Anyway...

- Oh my god, Thor is wielding Stormbreaker now! Stormbreaker wasn't ever really Thor's weapon in the mainstream comics, but rather that of Beta Ray Bill, the noble, horse-faced replacement Thor, who we kinda sorta got a glimpse of in Thor: Ragnarok. He did wield a hammer/ax just like it in the Ultimate continuity, though.

Spider-Man

- We get our first ever MCU use of Peter's Spider-sense in this movie when the ships arrive!

- Peter swaps out his regular costume for Tony's "17A" model, which we glimpsed at the end of Spider-Man: Homecoming. This is the cinematic equivalent of the dreadful "Iron Spider" armor Peter wore in the Civil War comics, right down to the extra appendages it gives him. This design is a little better than the comic book one...but only a little. It's kinda hideous, really.

Go back to the blue and red, kid.

- Spidey's line, “I’m being beamed up,” is a slight nod to Star Trek.

- But more importantly, and please tell me whether or not I'm crazy here, does the Tony/Peter relationship and banter in this movie feel like Rick and Morty to anyone else? I didn't get that vibe in Captain America: Civil War or Spider-Man: Homecoming, but it definitely felt that way here.

Except when Peter dies. That was heartbreaking.

Nice to see Peter got the old "web to the face" in that he did on Thanos in The Infinity Gauntlet comic, too!

The Stan Lee Cameo

- You all spotted Stan Lee driving the bus, right? Good. Now, someone get Stan away from the skeevy vultures currently handling his affairs, please.

The Avengers 4 Roster

So maybe we shouldn't be surprised that the folks who survived are the core Avengers from the first movie. Our Avengers 4 roster will consist of Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Bruce Banner, Black Widow, Hawkeye (even though he's not here, we can confirm he isn't dead...more details here), plus War Machine, Rocket Raccoon, and Captain Marvel. The jury is out on whether Ant-Man makes an appearance, I think.

I wrote more about what's next for the MCU in the leadup to Avengers 4 right here.

The Post Credits Scene

The post credits scenes kind of drive home the fact that the ending of Avengers: Infinity War is basically the beginning of the MCU version of The Infinity Gauntlet comic. In the second chapter of Infinity Gauntlet we saw how the world was affected when half of all humans just disappear, and yes, that includes car accidents, aviation mishaps, etc.

That final symbol you see belongs to Captain Marvel, but since this article is long enough already, I wrote in much, much more detail about the post-credits scene and everything it means right here.

Miscellaneous Cool Stuff

- Did I hear this correctly, and is the Asgardian spaceship known as the Ice Guardian? I know they also say "Asgardian families" when sending the distress call, but I feel like this was how they identified the ship.

- Overall, the opening to this was more akin to a Star Wars movie than anything Marvel usually does, just dropping us right into the jaws of a defeat with a seemingly unstoppable villain. Shades of A New Hope right off the bat...although some of the genuinely gruesome carnage with the dead bodies lying all over the place made me think of the end of Rogue One.

- At the Central Park reservoir, before Tony is told that "the fate of the universe is at stake" (which is some proper comic book dialogue right there), he makes a reference to Pepper having an eccentric uncle named Morgan. I'm drawing a blank on what this might be a reference to, though.

- You can basically just consider Cap's team the Secret Avengers in this. The lineup is similar enough!

Cap taking on Thanos in hand-to-hand combat is amazing. Thanos is, after all, a guy who could go at it with Thor or Hulk and come out OK. But this in particular reminds us of a specific scene from the original Infinity Gauntletcomics...

Cap is the best, you guys.

- Tony calls Ebony Maw "Squidward" which is pretty great. I...don't have to tell you who Squidward is, right?

- During the fights on the streets of NYC you can spot a New York Post newspaper dispenser. Still no sign of The Daily Bugle in the MCU. Seriously, what the hell? Although it's fun to point out that the layout and logo of the Bugle in the Sam Raimi Spider-Man movies was based heavily on the Post. I'm just surprised they used the Post here and not the Marvel Netflix-centric New York Bulletin. Apparently the producers considered having The Defenders make an appearance, but it just couldn't work out. It's probably for the best.

-Xandar's destruction was a key plot point in Annihilation, the opening chapter of the greatest era of Marvel space stories ever. Maybe that's the jumping off point of the Nova movie rumored to be in development?

- When Glave tries to take the Eye of Agamotto from Strange, his hand gets burned/branded, like Toht in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

- Captain America's phone number appears to be 678-136-7092. I haven't called it yet. I'm not going to AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU because if I read that wrong on the screen some poor senior citizen is going to get bombarded with phone calls and it's going to be my fault.

- I'm pretty sure that Vision and Scarlet Witch never lived in Scotland in the comics, but I'm willing to be corrected. Still, they're right on the verge of committing for life here, and assuming poor Vision manages to make a return at the end of Avengers 4, I'd love to see them get married, like they did in the comics.

This is a pretty radical departure for Black Widow. It's actually referencing the second comics Black Widow, Yelena Belova, who was created in Paul Jenkins and Jae Lee's late '90s Inhumans series and ended up being an evil foil for Natasha.

- Who the hell has a bass guitar in Avengers HQ? Please tell me that's Thor's.

- The Alien tribute with Ebony Maw is an absolute highlight.

- If Avengers movies had been made in the 1980s, wouldn't David Bowie have been the most perfect Vision ever? And I'm getting such Bowie vibes from Paul Bettany's Vision performance that now I want him to star in a Ziggy Stardust movie. Hollywood, call me. I'm waiting by the phone. Alone. Writing about the intersection of Marvel superheroes and David Bowie. For the love of gods, someone please call me...

(ahem...ANYWAY)

When Vision "dies" he's drained of color. While he isn't completely white like he was in the West Coast Avengers comic, there's definitely a resemblance.

That look pretty much defined the character in the early to mid '90s, too...including in the still awesome Captain America and the Avengers arcade game.

- When we're on Titan, and see the flashbacks to how it was before, are we basically seeing the seeds of Eternals society, there? They do have a movie in development, now.

- Vormir (the location of the Soul Stone) is a "real" place in the comics, existing way the hell out in the Kree galaxy. It was first mentioned in Avengers #123 in 1974.

- C'mon, admit it, NOBODY saw that Red Skull surprise coming, right? Sadly, that isn't Hugo Weaving, it's The Walking Dead's Ross Marquand. Bummer. On the bright side, maybe if we ever get a Captain America 4 this means the Skull can return!

OK Avengers, it's time to assemble! Let us know what we missed down in the comments or on Twitter, and if it checks out, we'll update this!

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#aion-rsa #Books

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fuckyourlist-blog · 6 years

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15 Irrational Fears ‘All’ Guys Have In Relationships (According To These Three Guys Who Fucked A Microwaved Banana Peel)

Relationships, ah that old song and dance we’re all forced to endure if we ever hope to sneeze our dick gravy into a welcoming hole and birth a small version of ourselves. Why are they so hard though? Why are they so hard in particular for men? As women, we grow up completely entitled to our Disney prince, one who lets us eat from their plate of fries, one who will buy us tampons AND insert them, one who will hold our hair back while we’re throwing up on the penis of the man who is cucking him.

So why are relationships LITERALLY the n word of social interaction? “How do talk to laaaady” grunts the primitive man as he drags his knuckles off the floor just long enough to yell at the burning sky egg in exasperation.

Well, we decided to ask three guys whose first and last sexual encounter was fucking a microwaved banana peel for the top 15 reasons why they’re too scared to slam down on some gash, rather than a warm hollowed out fruit.

1. She Will Use His Vulnerability Against Him

The problem is, men are like video game bosses. They have glowing spots on them you’re meant to drive a knife into for them to lose hit points. Shit, it’s NO WONDER they are terrified of showing this to women, they probably didn’t get to pick up the first aid kit in the barrel on the first level, and will be absolutely FUCKED into a black hole of weeping and silence if you expertly aim the knife of “I don’t know what I want for dinner but let’s avoid KFC because you’re getting a bit thicc” at him. Poor fella.

2. She Will Change After Marriage

It’s completely ok if he changes into a complacent sentient garbage bag after you marry, but don’t you DARE think of unzipping your back skin and crawling out to reveal the shrieking ballbusting demon you really are. I swear to god if you don’t remain as the fun loving party girl he fell in love with at 19 (before you realised he was obsessed with Magic:The Gathering) then I will turn this damn car around.

3. She'll Ask Him What He's Thinking...

Bitch are you cray cray?! who said communicating was a part of this?! Don’t worry your pretty little head though, just put your mouth back where it belongs (back on his dick).

4. She Will Turn Out To Have Ulterior Motives

Such as falling in love with him when he wanted to spend his life exclaiming how much of a shitbag undeserving of love he is. You’re going off script! You might push him into having a feeling! Once again, this is on YOU. You’re the only one who could do wrong here or have something up your sleeve. Not him. Because banana peels don’t chew him out for leaving stained underwear on the couch.

5. She Will Blackmail Him Into Doing What She Wants By Threatening Divorce

Because 4 points in and 10 minutes into your first date you’re wet enough to host an Olympic swimming team, and he’s skipped past marriage and right to how you’ll fuck him over in divorce. You wonder how long he spent thinking of the good times before jumping this far ahead, it was zero long, his brain just went right here. Ask him what he’s thinking right now and he’ll respond “If I saw our children in half do we have to do a custody battle?” and a laugh track will play because this is actually some dumb shit.

6. She Will Not Come Back Home One Day

When you come home from work it’s cute when a pet comes running up to you because they’ve missed you and are glad you’re home. To be fair, their concept of a ‘year’ is different to ours, and yet they still keep their proverbial shit together. Men like this though? They’ll make themselves unemployed so they can sit in a darkened room peeking from behind a curtain down the driveway. Every minute it inches closer to your usual home time his heart races faster. He pees a little, tears swell in his eyes, and at 5.29pm he slowly begins to close the scissor blades on your sexiest pair of underwear. How dare you do this to him.

7. He Will Find Out That She Was Comparing Him To Her Last Boyfriend

Who gives a shit. I compare cups of coffee from different cafes and I assure you coffee has provided me with more comfort and warmth than a great number of my relationships. It’s not that I’m comparing you to ex boyfriends, I’m comparing you to a $4 cup of coffee that I still think about, unlike you.

8. He Will Wake Up And Realize He Doesn't Like Her Anymore

Notice once again how this one is about how she has undesirable qualities. Women never wake up and decide men are terrible. Never. Because they’re the best and if it weren’t for the scientific law of queues we’d be fighting each other to slurp down your balls daily. I mean, aside from that nobody has any agency to just walk away, it’s impossible. We’re referred to as the ‘ole ball and chain’ because we literally are weighing them down to the floor, and they skipped leg day.

9. He Will Be Financially Ruined By Divorce

From Scrooge McDuck to Scrooge McCuck

10. She Will Leave Him For Someone Richer

...From Scrooge McCuck to Scrooge McDuck

Ah, it’s the circle of life. Just like Simba said but not in the bit where his dad dies. We all know Mufasa killed himself cos bitches ain’t shit anyway.

11. They Will Have A Child Who Needs Extra Special Care

If this list has demonstrated one thing it’s that men hate competition.

12. He Will Go From Happily Single To Unhappily Committed

As we all know, happily single men definitely frequent toxic subreddits revolving around how to interact with women. Happily single men totally post online feverishly wanting to know whether a woman being nice to them wants to skin them and live in their flesh in a sexy way. Happily single men send dick photos to strangers for validation. Happily single men were not the people being asked this. They will be unhappy no matter what because at no point have they understood that happiness in a relationship (or outside of a relationship) is LARGELY about them and their own demonstrable value. A woman or man cannot turn your world into a happy fun filled existence unless you put in the work on YOURSELF.

People like this see commitment as a swear word because they want to keep being able to fuck their way through people who will not add anything of worth to their lives, to self destruct and self abuse without punishment.

13. She Will End Up Pregnant Unexpectedly

Well it’ll be unexpected for one of you. While you were studying the blade, we were doing a handstand in the bathtub pouring a used condom into us.

Birth control definitely isn’t a choice that involves two parties. It’s entirely on the woman to ensure her vagina infested with evil doesn’t clamp down on your dick during those final moments of intercourse and force your balls empty into her uterus. Did you know when this happens we also steal one of your superpowers?

14. She Will Turn Out To Be A Worn Out Shell

This is blatant miseducation. When this happens, guys, you just need to go find us in our jelly form hanging out on the couch waiting for our new shell to harden. Don’t worry! We’re certainly not worn down to an internally crying husk because you’re a dreadful example of humanity, we’re just molting.

15.They Will Be The Family The Neighbors Gossip About

“Hey honey check it out, that rich brooding manchild is banging his withered old bitch out in the poolhouse again, while leaving their handicapped son to play with a sanding belt unattended.”

“Oh weird, I thought they were getting a divorce?”

#men listicle shitpost

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schmerzerling · 7 years

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Did dean ever get his heart transplant? I gotta know.

Yes. Absolutely. I had a sequel started and outlined where he does, and I went back to writing it whenever I missed Disneyland, but I haven’t worked on it in a long time. I just opened it for the first time in forever, and if it’s any indication of the pain I had planned, here’s the first line:

The good news is, Dean finally got bad enough that theybumped him up the transplant list.

The bad news is, Dean finally got bad enoughthat they bumped him up the transplant list.

Yeah, whoops.

HOWEVER, if it’s any consolation, when I opened that document, I found a couple little fic bits for the Your Heart Makes universe that I had written at some point and forgotten about? So uh, here’s one:

Dean visits sick kids while he’s in the hospital because of-fucking-course he does. Since he andCas had started dating, Dean had been admitted to the hospital twice. Before,he’d been too sick to do much of anything. More pacemaker issues. Respiratoryproblems. Ideally, Dean’s job situation would mean he’s not exposed to thatmany germs from the people in the park, but Dean doesn’t exactly play it safeon his own time. Luckily, this third time he was admitted, he felt okay, wasjust in overnight as a precaution, but it meant that the whole time he was thereit was like he was blowing some kind of high-pitched whistle that only thenurses could hear.

They all came at him and wanted to tell him off for nottaking it easy or for eating too many fried foods or for drinking too muchcoffee. He took it gracefully until a dark-haired nurse with a sultry smileapproached to tell him that the kids down in Peds missed him, and then it wasall game-face and sullen determination. Dean didn’t like being here, hatedbeing strapped down to equipment, hated the way that hospitals made him feellike he was already dying, so Castiel could see the exact moment where hedecided to turn it into another exercise in self-destructive selflessness.

Cas was a part of this now. He couldn’t pinpoint the exactmoment he went from ‘unwilling tagalong’ to ‘reluctant co-conspirator,’ but ifhe had to try, it would probably be that first day back in the park, rightafter he learned about Dean’s heart condition. Right around when he kissed himon a ride that they shouldn’t have been riding at all. Dean, it seemed, neededto do these things, and since it was Sam’s role to tell him not to, Sam’s roleto object to the things they both knew he would do anyway, it fell on Castielto make sure he did them as safely as possible.

So when night fell, Castiel helped him to secure his leftarm in a sling so he didn’t forget himself and lift it above his head, then he strappeda paper mask over Dean’s mouth so he didn’t get anything nasty and catchingfrom a sick kid. And finally, it fell on him to follow behind Dean down thehallway, dodging nurses and wheeling his drips and monitors in an attempt to besomething approaching stealthy. Castiel figured out pretty quickly that thenurses must have been turning a blind eye to it anyway, because there wasabsolutely no way that no one would have noticed them by the time they made itto the elevator. They even shared the elevator car with a stout nurse who hid asmile behind her hand as Dean, red-faced, complained that Cas wasn’t willing tocarry his IV pole down two measly flightsof stairs.

It was quiet in the kids’ ward. A lot of them were settledinto their beds, but when Dean squeaky-wheeled his way inside, many of themperked up. It was clear many knew him--these were the kids who were obviously repeatoffenders. The whole ward was bright and overly cheery and the kids were paleor bald or skinny, and Cas felt himself taking a nosedive before he was evenall the way inside the room.

Naomi called what he did spirals.Little loops of bad thoughts that he got himself stuck in. She gave himbreathing exercises and thinking exercises and exercise exercises to try and work himself out of the bad places hegot into. And she taught him how to recognize when one was coming on.

That’s not really rational,she’d stop him in the middle of a story to say. That’s not what people really think about you.

Now, he recognized that it was silly to look at these kidsand pity himself. But he couldn’t help thinking of his two wasted years inno-man’s land, his two years wallowing in self-pity, his two years where a daydidn’t mean anything and if the earth had swallowed him up, he wouldn’t havecared, and he couldn’t have helped thinking the no one else would’ve either.Looking at kids like these, kids that had to fight ever day to just exist, kindof put things into perspective.

Dean was one of those kids once. He still hadn’t heard muchabout Dean’s childhood, but there were painted Disney murals on the walls, andthey struck a chord with something that Sam told him that first night. He couldsee little-boy Dean sitting in front of a television, watching 101 Dalmations, strapped to the sameclunky equipment he was right now and trying to make the best of his bad situation.Back then, he’d probably thought that when he was the age he is now, he’d havea healthy heart to sustain him.

And who was Cas, someone who so freely took advantage of histime here, to be with someone like Dean? Dean must’ve thought it sometimes,too. That Cas wasn’t strong enough for him. That Cas didn’t have the fortitudeto do more than survive when he washealthy enough to be living.

Naomi compared thoughts like that to a steam engine, andCastiel liked to think of his brain as the Disneyland Railroad, blastingstraight through Tomorrowland Station and right into the Primeval World. Exceptwith fewer dinosaurs, maybe. Naomi’s exercises did an okay job of slowingthings down, taking some of the coals off the fire—

“And this is my boyfriend, Cas.”

But nothing ever derailed the train quite like Dean. Cassnapped from whatever steep incline he’d been tumbling down and marveled againat the fact that that was so easy forDean. He took Castiel’s hand for a second, gave it a brief squeeze, and heldhis eye. Castiel could feel where Dean’s IV hooked into the back of his hand,so he tried not to squeeze back too much. But it was hard, because some part ofhim always wanted to hold onto Dean for forever.

Most of the kids didn’t give a shit who Cas was, didn’t givea shit about boyfriends or social stigmas, they only seemed to care that Casmight also be able to draw them in princess dresses or fighting monsters.

“Can you draw like Dean can?” One of the girls asked. Caslooked down at her. Visibly, there was nothing wrong with her, but she waspale, and her lips were a little bit chapped and dry. Castiel knew that he wasmentally assessing what was wrong with each of them, silently doing the is-this-one-going-to-get-better? tangothat Gabriel insisted everyone did but no one admitted to. They got a lot ofMake-A-Wish kids in the park. A lot.And the character actors were always amazingwith them—but the younger people working the rides. The seventeen- andeighteen-year-old kids who had just gotten their first summer jobs—they had noidea what to do with them. Cas didn’t really either. Definitely not to start.

It was always hard. Facing that. Facing something so damningin someone so young.

“No.” The little girl shuffled her feet. He wanted to say, I can’t do much of anything that would be ofinterest to you. I’m not even sure why I’m here. But that was probably alittle bit heavy for a little girl in princess jammies who was up past herbedtime. “I’m not very good at drawing.”

“Oh. I’m okay at it. Last year I won second in a art contestat Garcia’s. You know. The restaurant? I got a free burrito. But Dean’s betterthan me though.” Castiel nodded along. “Do you like horses? I can teach you howto draw horses.”

Castiel nodded again. He watched the little girl scamperback to her bed and grab paper and markers. And then he sat down, shut up, andlearned how to draw horses.

Dean was swamped with kids, smiling hugely behind his papermask, popping off caricatures left and right. Disney characters and otherwise.But Castiel took charge of just the one, and he followed her careful instructionsto produce about as good a horse as he had ever doodled alone.

By the time the nurses came around to break up their not-so-subtlerendezvous, Dean had won the heart of every kid twice-over, and Castiel had aquiet field of pretty horses, grazing in the moonlight, on top of the starklinoleum. The little girl yawned and hugged him and took the drawing with herwhen she climbed back in bed.

As they waved goodbye to the kids and walked, nursesupervised, out the door, Dean bumped him with his shoulder. Castiel, stiffly,bumped back.

“You made a friend,” he teased, that same winning smilecrinkling his eyes.

“Yes, well. I learned how to draw a horse.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

“No shit.”

“Nothing quite so impressive as your artwork, I’m afraid.”

Dean blew a raspberry with his lips, took hold of Castiel’shand with his one free one. The rubber tubing of his IVs rubbed against Castiel’sforearm, and Dean’s hidden grin softened into just a smile.

“Sometimes just being there is enough, you know?” Heshrugged.

Castiel squeezed Dean’s hand.

“Yes,” he said. “I suppose it is.”

#spn #how did i forget about this #there are like three more #my fic #your heart makes #long post #Anonymous

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fulldreamsahead · 5 years

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Hotel Strange

I last night I had a dream where my partner and I are in a hotel and we’re being psuedo-haunted? by some sort of shapeshifter. It starts when I get up in the middle of the night to pee and I see something fly across the room back towards the bed. Mason is still there and I scream for him to grab it. Mason bolts upright to look at what I originally thought to be some sort of huge moth, but now it sort of looks like a tiny mouse? Mason can’t shake his sleep-brain like in real life, so he’s too tired to rightly deal with it and after airing out the sheets and finding nothing, we decide to stop the search. Mason goes back to bed, but I am too upset to sleep and keep looking for whatever it was. Eventually my search rouses Mason enough to truly join and we are able to find and close it off in the bathroom. We then call the hotel staff to come deal with it.

A woman attendant arrives and as she opens the door to the bathroom she seems at ease while we are stressed. She tells us that it is alright and it’s nothing more than the hotel bird. We look out from around her to find a double yellow-headed amazon parrot on the ground. She kneels down and it immediately bows its head for scratches. I exclaim that this is outrageous and we are being harassed by some sort of monster and not a bird. The woman is unimpressed so I leave to go complain at the front desk. On the way I run into an old friend from college, Eddie, who is staying in the hotel on a business trip. I ask how he is and he is upset because he can’t make a money withdrawal on his bank account for some reason. I forget my original mission and offer to help him.

In this dream world, all I need is to take Eddie’s info over to an ATM and I will be able to hopefully get into his account. So I take out a pen and paper and jot down his birthday as being 1/20/2020 and his name as being Mason Meyers (which are both obviously very wrong). I leave Eddie and find myself in what is essentially a tiny store room lined with shelves and a counter barring me from directly using the ATM. I take this at face value and wait for a clerk to show up to operate the ATM for me. As I wait a commercial for my friend’s gym runs on a nearby TV screen. After watching it, I think how great it is that their business is growing.

I become impatient that no one is coming so I turn around to find that this store room is butted up against some sort of bustling kitchen. There are beer steins lining the wall and something about seeing them jogs my memory of seeing similar glasses in Eddie’s room, so I go back to see him. His room number is highlighted in gilded gold numbers reading 102. I think how funny it is that its the same as his birthday (it’s not and it’s not even the same as the fake birthday?!). I ask him what he was trying to pull the money out for and he tells me he had just had a few drinks and was trying to order more but they forced him to close out his tab because his card could not be charged further. I told him that is alright and ask if I can take one of the beer steins so that I can at least help with that. He agrees because the steins will need to be returned at some point anyway.

I take the stein over to a cafe that is being waitressed by three South American women. The cafe sits mostly outside on a huge open air deck with a view of the sea. It seems very casual and I try to order, but they are quite haughty with me. For some reason I follow them around while complaining about everything that’s happened in the hotel and they dismiss me and tell me to wait my turn. I get tired of waiting for them and pour myself a few shots of clear liquor into the stein, but remember that Eddie wanted a margarita and I have no idea where the mix is. I go to one of the waitresses who is piping out some pastry dough on parchment paper. She pipes three circles, each one a bit bigger than the last. I tell her it looks like a beautiful pate de choux and I watch as they bake and rise right there in front of us.

The other two employees join us and one of them says the big one did great and they’ll definitely be able to sell them as a new menu item. The woman who piped them says she is very proud of her ‘shoe’ buns and I try to correct her. She argues that her name is good enough and I’m about done with this whole cafe situation. I demand margarita mix for the stein and one of the other women goes to get it. Just to spite me, she pours so much in that the blue tinted mixture overflows and spills all over my hand. I stare at the mess with red in my eyes and seething silence. I go to check out with Eddie’s information and see review cards for the service you received. I leave a vicious review and as I set the card into the small accompanying box the information is seemingly transferred directly into all three waitresses’ heads.

The woman who overfilled my glass screams at me about how she was never rude and I was the one who was rude. I lose it, climbing over a suddenly impossibly large table like this is Alice in Wonderland to scream at her ever growing form. She towers over me and just as I am ready to storm off, I get a better idea and turn around to get some fries from a dedicated fry box. Now the fry box is something I truly wish existed in real life, because it is a box affixed in mid-air with a picture of fries on it (very similar to a brick block in Mario games). I consider an order of fries from the box to be restitution for my pain and suffering. Everything returns to the same size, which means I am now a bit too short to reach up and headbutt the box.

My friend Jon strolls up to me wearing an all black suit. It has a black suit jacket with red pin stripes and he is wearing the Classic graphic tee under it. I think that he looks like an arcade cabinet and decide that it would be best not to tell him because I am too focused on trying to climb on a bench to reach the fry box. He’s on a date with one of my old co-workers and he tries to show her off to me, but I am obsessively focused on my potato-based goals. Even while standing on the bench I cannot reach the box so while Jon is still trying to talk to me, I make a great leap and just barely am able to grab onto the fry box as if I was a video game character that was barely able to grab the edge of a cliff. I am now in a predicament, because I need to strike the bottom of the box to get fries, but since I am now suspended in mid-air and hanging from the box itself I cannot do so. As my fingers begin to slip, something enters my throat in real life and I wake up in a suffocating coughing fit.

#me #dream #dreams #strange dream #story time #original story #fiction #hotel #paradise #bar tab #misinformation #shapeshifter #fry box #alice in wonderland #food service

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chaunceyandchumleysdad · 7 years

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Riot Fest 2017 Wrap Up

This was my 5th consecutive year at Riot Fest. I was recently telling a friend that I get as excited about Riot Fest every year as I did about Christmas when I was a kid. How can you not like a three day party with awesome live music? I also love how this community of roughly 50,000 people a day gather at one spot to have fun and put the rest of their lives on hold for a bit. Many people also travel from all over the country to come to Riot Fest, so I consider myself most fortunate that it is based in my home town of Chicago which allows me the opportunity to attend every year.

Weather – I thought last year (2016) was the best ever Riot Fest from a weather perspective. This year may have topped last year depending on how you look at it. 2016 was the warmest and driest Riot Fest I had experience up to that point. Temps were hitting mid-to-upper 70’s during the day and the only rain was a brief light sprinkle on Friday afternoon. This year, no rain at all and hot weather! High temps were in the mid-80’s all weekend. I’m not sure how some of band members could stand to wear their stage costumes in the heat. A few different band members did comment on the heat including John Doe of X. And X is from Los Angeles! There were some nice periodic breezes, which helped. It was mostly good for me, but I cannot take a lot of intense sun. As a result, I had to pace myself a little more this year, spending some time in the shade, frequently slathering on sun block, more trips to the water station, and wee bit less alcohol than I might otherwise consume. It all worked out well. For the bands on my A-list, I hung at the stage in the sun. For some of my B-list bands, I would simply head into a shady area that still allowed me to see the stage from a distance while clearly hearing the music.

Mud (or lack there of) – Mud had been the bane of the first three Riot Fests I attended. Not a detriment to enjoying the festival, but a poor condition for walking or sitting on the ground. This year, no rain meant no mud. In fact, we had the opposite of mud with dry dirt sometimes getting kicked up into surrounding dust clouds, particularly near the stages when mosh circles developed. However, the wind typically would blow out the dust cloud so it was never a big issue.

Music and Bands I Regret Not Seeing - My summaries of the bands I saw are in my separate day-by-day posts. Here are a few bands I did not see, but would have like to have seen if timing permitted: The Regrettes – yeah, I regret not seeing The Regrettes. They did just a 30 minutes set on the small stage at 6pm on Saturday and it was a time when I needed some food and the small stage was on the opposite end of the park from the food vendors. They are a young band so I am going to look for an opportunity to catch them sometime at a club show. Paramore and Minus The Bear – both A-List bands for me that I did not see due to “game time decisions.” I missed Paramore because I ended up staying for all off M.I.A. I enjoyed M.I.A., but I heard that Paramore was really good. Dirty Heads and Bad Brains – both B-List bands for me but I would have liked to see them if the scheduling had worked out differently. GBH and The Smith Street Band – there were a few bands that I had listed that were in the early time slots that I did not get to see because I didn’t make it to the grounds early enough on Saturday and Sunday. Of that list of bands, these were my two A-Listers.

Favorite Quotes:

Gogol Bordello: Front man Eugene Hütz referred to Chicago as “chick-UH-go” and Chicagoans as “chick-uh-cog-uh-AIN-ians.”

Jawbreaker: “Thanks Riot Fest for inviting us out of retirement. It’s tough getting good news when you don’t know what to do with it.”

Pennywise: “We have special guests today. Donald Trump and Melania are back stage. They’re drinking Russian vodka.”

GWAR: “I hope nobody has a job interview tomorrow!”

Cold Beat (during their mid-afternoon set) “We’re very happy to be playing night time music in a very non-night time environment.”

Danzig (referring to the heat): “It’s a mother fucker out here!”

That Dog (quotes by Anna Waronker,): re playing Retreat From The Sun in it’s entirety: “I’m worried about the clock and I want to get it all in. It’s like (being at) therapy.” And noticing a fan in the audience stretching: “Oh, that was a good stretch!”

Stages – The third year in Douglas Park, and just five stages this year; one less than 2016 two less than 2015 and three less than 2014. There were 90 bands this year compared to 122 in 2014, which I think may have been the peak. I don’t know why Riot Fest is shrinking but I would suppose they are cutting overhead for more profit. It may also have to do with the untimely death of Riot Fest co-founder Sean McKeough late last year. His co-founding partner Mike Petryshyn cited the canceling of the Denver edition of Riot Fest his year as a direct result of McKeough’s death as he did not feel he could manage two festivals this year without McKeough’s assistance. They are also catering a bit more to the VIP experience with more VIP areas including some cabana style “suites” set up near the main stages. Even at 90 bands, that is still way more than anyone can see in a three day period. Riot Fest is still one of the more reasonably priced rock music festivals around, so if cutting acts and stages helps keep the cost down, I’m not going to complain about it. The only thing I did miss is the having two small stages side-by-side. This year, there was just one small stage, The Heather Owen Stage. I do like that little remote corner of the grounds. Most of the early sets on the small stages are just 30 minutes. So with two stages, I would sometimes get to see four bands in two hours. With one stage, there is some down time between acts, so it was not quite the same experience as past years.

Time – For the most part, the bands respected the time and started and ended on time. While that is the norm by today’s standards, I can still remember going to concerts in the 70’s when bands either had no respect for start times, or the start times were non-existent. So I am always appreciative the professionalism of today’s Rock shows.

Services – A couple of big improvements this year. First and foremost, the Water Station was vastly improved. In the past, they ran a hose from one of the park water fountains and hooked up several satellite water fountains to the hose. That really cut the water pressure and made it very slow to fill up water bottles and it resulted in long lines and long waits. This year, they added a product called Quench Buggy. It is a portable filtered tank and once hooked up to a hose, the filled tank creates it’s own pressure so fill ups go considerably faster. And the dispensers are also bottle filler designed (along with some fountains) so that also makes it easier and faster. Given the heat we had to deal with this year, this new system could not have been more timely. The other cool thing was that they had beer vendors walking around the stage areas selling cold beer. I did not avail myself to their services as I prefer draught beer so I always made the walk to the All Rise tent, but nice to see that they had that option. Clean up was always good throughout the day. The grounds only start getting trashed later in the evening when attendance is at it’s peak and it’s too crowded and dark for the crew to do an effective job. Otherwise, they do an outstanding job.

Drinks – The All Rise Brewery which was started by the late Sean McKeough, was again the selected brewery for draught beers. I drank Wonder Beer all weekend which is a delicious APA and I believe named after the Naked Raygun song. I also enjoyed chatting with servers who were just awesome.

Food – As I have mentioned before, if you are a foodie, there is a lot to sample. I’m not so much of a foodie and at Riot Fest, I eat just once a day to get refueled. Last year, I really liked the Guinness mac and cheese with pulled pork from Mrs. Murphy and Son’s Irish Bistro. I was disappointed that they did not have it this year. So instead, I tried their banger sandwich. It was bad, as the bread fell apart. I then discovered that Reggie’s had mac and cheese with pulled pork and with some added BBQ sauce and giardiniera, it was the perfect combination of carbs and protein to keep me going each and every day.

Amusements & Shopping – There is the circus attractions and the vendors selling clothing and various wares. I walked around the vending area a bit. The coolest t-shirt I saw was one that mimicked the 1980’s Chicago White Sox logo but instead of a baseball bat, the character was holding a microphone and mike stand and it said “RIOT” where it would otherwise say “SOX.”

Exercise – According to my smart phone, I walked an average of 6.4 miles per day. On the other hand, I had a Riot Fest hangover and sucked in my Monday night racquetball league following the festival. But it was all worth it.

CTA – Wonderful again! The Blue and Pink Lines provided plenty of trains with little wait.

Neighborhood – I enjoyed walking through the Douglas Park area in the old West Side neighborhood of Lawndale. Upon arrival each day, I walked up California Avenue on the edge of Little Village, and when returning each evening, I would walk down Kedzie Ave. through the South Lawndale neighborhood. Kedzie was more lively with neighbors selling food in their front yards. On Sunday night, I stopped by a small church on Kedzie for a Polish sausage and fries and ate the food under the “L” station at Kedzie and 21st while watching Riot Fest fans funnel into the station.

Crowd – The Riot Fest crowd is always awesome. I did not see anyone that was causing trouble or that looked over-the-top wasted. Just a great community of “Punks” hanging together for three days of music and fun.

Style – There were some great Punk styles this weekend including some awesome spiked Mohawk hairstyles. My favorite hair was the young lady with the watermelon hair. It was green on the sides, pinkish red on top, and it had little black “seed” spots at symmetrical points on top. I wish I had gotten a picture of it. It was very cool. Not that I’m stylish by any stretch, but for me, it was the second year in a row that I had to abandon my pseudo-Punk attire in favor of dry-fit shorts and t-shirts for comfort in the heat.

Thanks!!! – Reiterating from last year, I want to say thanks to all the bands that came to our fine city. Thanks to all the park maintenance crews, vendors, paramedics, and security, and much thanks to the Chicago Police and Fire Departments. Thanks also to Mayor Emanuel and the Lawndale City Council members for their cooperation and support. Thanks to St. Anthony Hospital and Mount Sinai Hospital for their three days of tolerance and for their dedication to caring for people. And most of all, thanks to the Douglas Park neighbors for allowing us “Rockers” to take over your park for 3 days during one of the finest seasonal times of the year in Chicago.

#riot fest #douglas park #chicago #music festival #live music #punk rock #fuck yeah riot fest

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milesawaylove-blog1 · 7 years

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10 thoughts of a first year

Semester One. It was nice knowing ya’ but I’m SO glad you're almost done. Here’s 10 thoughts that went through my brain at some point or another whilst trying to get used to a whole new life.

1) OH MY GOD I ACTUALLY LIVE ON MY OWN NOW

Waving to your mum while she drives away from the place you are now supposed to call ‘home’ for the next year is really weird. I’m lucky enough to only live 40 minutes from my real home, so soz Mumma J you're going to have to continue dealing with cooking for me every now and then when I can't be bothered. hehe.

2) Shit, its the first day and I’m already late. And lost.

Trying to make it to my first 9am welcome lecture meant having to navigate my way to one of 4 buildings dotted around campus. It doesn't sound a lot, but when all you have is WA305 and a crappy little map to guide you, its hard!

3) Really, Lego????

First ‘icebreaker’ was to make something that represented who we were in animal form. Yep. My initial idea was a dog cos I LOVE little doggies and then I realised I had 10 bits of lego in front of me, so I settled for a snail as thats all that was possible. I know, a snail :)))) wonderful X

4) Errrr did they really just say that..

Uni is all about meeting new people, and for me first impressions tend to stick, so when someone says on the first day ‘I went in too hard at the sesh last night’ I already think you’re a massive tit and I'm probably going to spend the rest of the day trying desperately not to let my eyeballs roll so hard they do a 360 spin every time you speak.

5) I can’t make pasta again can I?

Food. My other best friend. Going from having great food at home and my boyfriends, going Gordon Ramsay (sorta, not really) all alone was a big step. Before uni I had a pretty decent knowledge of cooking tasty easy meals, so that was never an issue, but after a long day sometimes you just want dinner in 12 minutes, to be precise. So pasta it is.

6) I MISS MY BOYFRIEND

After spending a whole summer together its a real big adjustment to go back to being by yourself again. Luckily, my boyfriend is the best EVER and we talk every single day so its like he never left. Although sleeping in a double bed alone when its freezing cold is crap; I need my human hot water bottle to put my cold feet on :-))) Plus is great when you haven’t seen them in a while and you get those lil butterflies again before you meet them.

7) Why am I here?

You know when you get up for a 9am, have a lecture and seminar for 3 hours and all you do is talk about crap and play a game. First week is full of that. Yes, its important to go so you don’t miss important info, but why the hell would I want to play Pokemon GO for a few hours when.. I COULD HAVE STAYED IN BED FOR SO MUCH LONGER.

8) I’ve not got uni till the afternoon, it’ll be fine

NO. ROOKIE MISTAKE. A 1pm start does not mean you’ll be over your hangover by then. You think you can handle it when really the jagerbombs weren’t the best idea, and you spend the next day saying how you’re never going out again, but can't wait for the work party next week. #logic

9) OMG, is that due tomorrow????

That instant panic when your friends are talking about a bit of work you haven’t done. Honey, get your bum down the library and prepare for a 5 hour session of near-breakdowns cos critical reviews are actually quite hard to write on a subject that makes your brain feel like its being battered and deep fried. Don’t even get me started on referencing and a Harvard bibliography. WHY U SO COMPLICATED?

10) I deserve a drink, or 5

The relief of getting all your assignments submitted on time, and the sheer elation of getting the Turnitin likeness score back at 0%. YESSSS, SO ORIGINAL IT HURTS. No plagiarism here hun !!! Can’t wait to do it all again in a week or two :)))) Now get me a vodka cranberry ASAP please and thank you x

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sinceileftyoublog · 4 years

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M. Geddes Gengras Interview: Happy Accidents

Photo by Gabrielle Valenti

BY JORDAN MAINZER

Producer M. Geddes Gengras has taken advantage of quarantine to release music at a breakneck pace. Living among the nature (and Brooklyn spillover region) of Hudson, NY, he’s got six distinct releases on his Bandcamp this year alone, half under the moniker PERSONABLE. The most notable is the full-length album Time Makes Nothing Happen, a propulsive, techno-heavy record released in May but filled with many tracks that date back years past. (Thumping, clattering, glitchy opener “Dragging My Feet” is from the Aughts!) “I put it out there and wasn’t really sure whether anybody was gonna buy it or listen to it,” he told me over the phone last month. Indeed, as much as Bandcamp Fridays have helped, self-releasing still carries and inherent risk. “It either does really well or disappears,” he said. Plus, Time was far different from the material he had been working on and releasing under any moniker.

As it turns out, the album caught the ears of Max Allison, co-founder of Chicago bonkers experimental label Hausu Mountain. It wasn’t out of the blue; after all, Hausu had released Gengras’ I Am The Last of That Green and Warm-Hued World last year. But they had been long talking about doing another record, and while something never-before-heard is still in the works, Gengras and Hausu decided to physically release Time on CD and cassette, with a bonus track for good measure. It’ll be out November 13th. Most importantly, the record fits nicely within Hausu’s increasingly wonderfully sundry catalog.

Below, read my conversation with Gengras about the original record and the rerelease, edited for length and clarity.

Since I Left You: What was the inspiration behind the aesthetic of this record?

M. Geddes Gengras: For the past few years, I had been putting out music at a much slower pace than I had been in the past. I wasn’t working on as much stuff and wasn’t recording as much. My process had gotten a lot more layered. My last record for Hausu I had made pretty quickly, but it was very dense. A lot of going over and over and changing things bit by bit. Lots of editing, micromanaging of sound. This one, it’s all live, with maybe a single overdub. I had a couple old tracks I never found a place to put out, and they had never really fit in with the straight techno stuff, but it was also a little too rhythmic and beat-oriented for what I had been releasing under my own name. The division between those two things had just been sort of pushed out to the extreme in a couple ways. So this was something where I was trying to bring it all together in a playful way, making decisions really quickly, first take-best take, and not obsessing over every contour and curve of each track. Trying to do something that felt a little more impulsive.

SILY: That impulsiveness speaks to the spirit of Hausu Mountain, which is funny, because you didn’t even make this record for them.

MGG: Absolutely. But I feel like it was inspired by them, even if indirectly. The last one I put out on Hausu, there are certainly things in their catalog that go along with it, but so much of what they put out is hyperactive, hyperkinetic off-the-wall. Max’s stuff is so crazy. It’s so bonkers. He’s one of those musicians where I’m just like, “I don’t know how you come up with that.” I don’t know how his brain works. It blows my mind.

When I’m working on something, I think about people. I think about an audience, even if it’s just one person or a couple people. It helps my mind file my way through decisions that might take longer otherwise. [laughs] Max and [label co-founder Doug Kaplan] and Hausu, we had been talking about doing another record together, and this wasn’t intended to be that, but that sort of ethos and spirit pervaded its way into this. It was also pretty early in the whole quarantine thing, and I wanted to do something that was fun, that wasn’t dour ambient music. I wanted something that felt like what I needed to hear at that time.

SILY: The notes on the back of the CD say “composed for/by synthesizers.” It speaks to the randomness inherent in synthesis and improvisation that was how this record was recorded.

MGG: Definitely. I know some people hear something in their head, and they make it. I don’t work like that most of the time. Sometimes, things like that happen, but that’s usually well down the road into the project, and I’m like, “I can hear this part over that.” This is just setting up machines, laying around with them, and being influenced and inspired compositionally by what they are doing. It’s a little more like riding a horse than driving a car: You can tell it what to do, but it’s not always gonna do what you want it to. That’s the fun part for me.

The things that I love when I listen to the recordings is the stuff I didn’t necessarily do but emerged out of these processes and systems I built. Those are the things that really excite me. It feels more like collaboration and less like sitting alone in a room and plugging wires into things.

SILY: Tell me about the bonus track. Was that just added on when you knew it was going to be rereleased?

MGG: When we talked about doing a physical release, I wanted something that was a little value add. [laughs] I was really happy with the way the original record flowed from beginning to end, so it was a practical thing. We were playing around with the order, and it felt a little lopsided. That was a good excuse. I had a couple things left over from the sessions and a couple earlier things I slotted in there, and what I ended up putting in was a year or two old. Something I made and forgot about that sat on my hard drive. I started digging for tracks for an appropriate length. It’s not really an exciting story now that I tell it. [laughs]

I have a handful of tracks that don’t really fit in with the kind of aesthetic I want to do with the PERSONABLE releases because they’re slicker and stripped down. But they haven’t really fit with other releases I’ve done. One thing I’ve done a lot during quarantine is go through a bunch of old stuff. I have a lot of finished recordings that have for one reason or another never found their way out there. In a time when I’ve been feeling particularly productive, it’s been good to clean that stuff out. Find something I like that I want to get out there.

SILY: How did you come up with the track titles of the record?

MGG: Coming up with titles is probably my least favorite part of making a record. [laughs] It’s always the last thing that I do. Maybe that makes it harder, because I’m attempting to put words on something that has existed in a wordless space for a while. I started with the album title, which I stole from a book by Roland Barthes, Mourning Diary, which I was thumbing through. The title caught my eye, and I was thinking a lot about time--I think a lot about time in general--and my music plays with the concept of time, whether it’s distorting your perception of time, or this release, different rhythms, which are expressions of organized time. I started with that, and then I went through the tracks and listened to them over and over again and wrote down words and imagery that came to mind. I started using that as a launching point. Some of the track titles are descriptive of what the sounds sound like to me, and some of them are more playing with the imagery I get when I hear it. It’s not a terribly deep process. It’s usually done in kind of a panic, and sometimes it’s okay. It’s one of those things after the fact I’m like, “It’s fine, I guess. At least I did it.”

SILY: So the album art got the Hausu treatment, too.

MGG: Oh yes. Max asked whether I wanted to do that, and I said, “In fact, I demand it.” Any time I can see a new piece of Max’s art, I’m excited to. His aesthetic is so deeply up my alley as a lifelong gamer from the Super Nintendo generation. He somehow makes the most psychedelic 16-bit dreamscapes and gets things perfectly, and it’s never what I expect. Both this and the last one. I love the aesthetic of Hausu. It’s so fried and beautiful and fits the sound of the label. They’ve created this visual umbrella: You can spot it from a mile away.

SILY: Are you doing any sort of release show with them?

MGG: That remains to be seen. I think it would be fun to do something. I’m a little intimidated about performing this kind of stuff live because it’s out of my comfort zone. I’d like to do something. It’s probably a lot easier to do something like this now that we’re trapped in our houses than it would be to [coordinate] from our respective cities otherwise. I’m gonna say yes, and then I’m gonna talk to Max and Doug. [laughs] I’ll be like, “I told the guy!”

SILY: Yeah. “In fact, it’s already published.”

MGG: That’s how you get things done. You start with the media and work backwards. But I haven’t done a performance since the first or second month of quarantine. I’m kind of itching to do something.

SILY: What’s next for you?

MGG: I’ve got a few really cool collaborations I’m working on right now that I’m really excited about. I’ve got a record with Miles Seaton from Akron/Family. I played with them for about a year. We made a record and did the basic tracking here in Hudson a little over a year ago. I’m right now going through the mixing and overdubs. It’s a strange record: a lot of weird instrumentation and operating in zones we don’t normally work in. I’m working on a project with this guy from Los Angeles that’s a video game-themed band that’s happening via WeTransfer. And I’m doing a record with a friend of mine who records as Psychic Reality that we made three years ago. A few solo things. And a few other things I can’t talk about yet.

I find it helpful to put something down for a long time, come back to it later, and see what makes sense. Coming out of a long period of inactivity, I’m trying to poke my brain cells a little bit, and one way of doing that is to work with amazing musicians.

SILY: Is there anything you’ve been listening to, reading, or watching lately that’s caught your attention?

MGG: I’ve been reading a lot of Stephen King. I had been already, and it just seems extremely appropriate right now. It’s nice to curl into something where you could blast through a few hundred pages at your leisure. I haven’t been listening to a ton of music except for a lot of Imaginary Softwoods. That’s been my go-to recently. A lot of Keith Jarrett, too. I’ve been feeling really melodic, beautiful things. And the other side of that is I’ve been revisiting a lot of my favorite hardcore records from the late 90′s. As our world descends into chaos, I feel like it’s more relevant than ever.

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Please Send All Your Fried Brains and Micro-Brisket to Novelist Gary Shteyngart

As research for Lake Success, a novel about a wealthy Manhattan businessman who hops on a Greyhound to escape his troubles, writer Gary Shteyngart went on a bus trip of his own through the American South. This journey turned out to be something of an epicurean odyssey for the author. “In some of the roadside places where ‘the Hound’ would stop, you’d have, like, the best fried chicken on the planet,” Shteyngart says. And to get inside the mind of the hedge-fund types depicted in Lake Success, Shteyngart also embedded himself among a bunch of New York finance guys, who, he says, actually “eat really bad food.” All things considered, Shtyengart thinks that “10 percent of the book is food-based.”

For close followers of Shteyngart’s work, this should come as no surprise: Throughout his career, the author has peppered his novels with food references, while also writing dining guides and occasional odes to important restaurants in his life in between novels. For all these reasons, we thought the acclaimed author would be the perfect fit for The Famous Original Eater Questionnaire.

In the middle of his “87-day tour” promoting Lake Success last fall, Shteyngart took some time to answer questions about the dishes he loves and the ones he’ll never eat again.

What’s the last thing that you ate? Gary Shteyngart: It was on an Amtrak, and I had… oh, I guess a beer doesn’t really count.

Beer totally counts. I had a Brooklyn Defender IPA? It was a Brooklyn Defender something on the train home last night.

When and where was the last time you had a hot dog? Oh, wait a minute, I’m sorry, I had a hot dog with that IPA. I forgot all about that. I’m trying to repress that, I think.

How was the hot dog? It was good. I mean, it’s not the world’s worst hot dog, but it is microwaved, so the bun doesn’t quite work out. But in theory, it should be the easiest food you can have on the Amtrak.

Follow-up question about the hot dog: A character in your new novel mentions that the Old Town Bar serves the best hot dogs in Manhattan. Do you think that’s true? Yeah, I think it is amazing. I order two of them with fries. It’s just pure heaven. I don’t know what it is. They have a great cheeseburger, too, but that is just amazing.

I feel like people don’t know that place for hot dogs. People think of it as a cheeseburger place, because they have a great one. But I actually prefer the cheeseburger at Joe Junior’s. That is a succulent cheeseburger.

What do you want to eat right this second? Well now that I mention that cheeseburger, I very well might order it right now. Are we at lunchtime yet? I hope so.

What’s your favorite but admittedly strange food combination? I do like eating foods that should be eaten later. Like, I feel really — what’s the word? —subversive when I have something that’s meant for lunch at breakfast, and it’s not a brunch situation. Let’s say it’s Tuesday morning, and what if I order a ham-and-cheese sandwich, and not an omelet or anything like that? A ham-and-cheese sandwich slathered with mayo and I have coffee with that at 9:30 a.m. Can you imagine?

What’s one food item that you didn’t try till later in life? Well I grew up, you know, in the Soviet Union and then with a sort of post-Soviet household, and we really didn’t use garlic that much — it was not a big thing. I discovered garlic when I started going to Spanish restaurants. There used to be a bunch of Spanish restaurants [in New York] and I think there are still a few left. Back then, they were pretty avant-garde, or associated with “cool eating” before all the other stuff. Back then, I loved shrimp al ajillo and mariscada in green sauce — stuff like that is so good. So garlic-flavored.

In your book, you cover a lot of high-roller culture in NYC, and I read somewhere that you did some research hanging out with hedge-fund guys. What was that like? A lot of them eat really bad food. The problem is that if you go to your club or the high-end places in New York, they’re all kind of the same. The clubs are awful, but the high-end places are, eh, you know... I like some of them. But the Polo Bar is not that great, honestly, for food. It’s great for people watching, so it becomes this event. But for pure food, I would take them to great Korean and Indian places I love, like Madangsui on the 35th Street, which has the best micro-brisket I’ve ever had. Or what’s that place on Lex that has the best chicken biryani on the planet? Oh, what is it called? Shit. [Checks his computer] Oh, Sahib, I think is the name. Oh my god. So, you do that instead of one of those places, and you’re really eating the best food in New York.

What’s a food that you’ve never eaten that you wish you could try? Well, I was just in Scotland and I had haggis for the second time and I loved that, but I guess I have tried that. You know, the thing is that I’ve eaten almost every animal alive. I was at a ceremony in the Arctic Circle where the local Inuits were eating whale, so I ate the whale — not great. I’m not a big whale guy.

What did it taste like? Like fish, but in rubber form? I dunno… it was not good. But they’re allowed to, I think, eat one whale per year or something. It’s a huge part of their customs and lifestyle, so I was honored to be a part of that. My wife and I got married up there, so it was part of the thing. Oh, caribou is great — raw caribou.

“I’ve eaten the brains of every animal imaginable.”

Raw caribou? Yeah, like caribou sashimi. Delicious. I’m trying to think of what I haven’t eaten. I think I’ve eaten just about everything. I’m a little bit of an insectophobe, so I don’t think I could ever eat a water bug or something like that. I know people live on that stuff, but that’s the one thing. Brains? No problem. I’ve eaten the brains of every animal imaginable.

What is your drink? I’m traditionally a vodka-tonic guy, because I love vodka — obviously, I grew up in Russia. My favorite new drink, which I’ve been really loving is, there’s a place called District Distilling Co., I believe. It’s out of D.C., and I’ve never been a huge rye fan, but this just blew my mind. It is so good. They make the best rye on the planet. They just sent me a six pack of that because I am jonesing for it all the time. I’m on, like, this 87-day tour, and it’s the official drink of the 87-day tour. Because every time I touch down back home, I just uncap a bottle and drink it the way people drink a Pabst — glug, glug, glug.

Related to being on a book tour, I know that you took a bus trip while writing Lake Success. What is your traveling game plan when you’re on the road? Do you go to chain restaurants? Do you hit-up mom-and-pop restaurants? What’s your strategy there? Oh yeah, absolutely. Wherever I go, I just try to hit the best place imaginable. I’m going to St. Louis, so obviously that’s going to be ribs. But my friend also told me about this thing in St. Louis call the St. Paul sandwich — have you heard of this? It’s in Chinese restaurants, and it’s like an egg foo yung patty with dill pickles, onions, mayonnaise, lettuce, and tomatoes, served on white bread. So that is my goal for this trip to St. Louis — I gotta get a St. Paul sandwich.

Do you have a universal dinner party soundtrack? Yeah, I put on... I dunno, it’s a mix. Old Dr. John’s stuff like “Mama Roux,” I feel like that really helps with digestion. I like the… what’s the Ethiopian jazz that’s really great and mellow?

Is it the Éthiopiques compilation? Yeah, slide into Éthiopiques. That’s great for digestion.

Do you have a favorite chain restaurant? It’s a bit of a cliche. But I think In-N-Out is insane. I mean, that is a huge part of going to LA for me. They have one right outside LAX — they probably have one inside LAX, but I just haven’t figured it out. You know, again, I’m going really cliche on this, but Animal-style fries and all that. And that actually showed up in Super Sad True Love Story. I believe one of the characters is from California originally and is like, “Oh god, why am I living in New York, where there’s no In-N-Out?” Why can’t they open one here?! I think it’s just obstinance on their part.

If you could bring one now-closed restaurant back to life, which one would it be? For sure El Faro. That’s where I discovered garlic. I grew up in Eastern Queens — Littleneck — and now it’s really cool. They have all these Korean restaurants there, but they didn’t before. And then I went to Stuyvesant High School and started meeting people. I think I was already in college, but I started to develop a more global, kind of New York-y taste. El Faro was not cutting-edge at that point. It wasn’t new, but it felt like an old bohemian New York, and the whole thing smelled of garlic to such an extent that your eyes really watered.

I’ve written about it quite a bit — I did a piece in the Times magazine, I think, about it. And when it closed, that was horrifying. That was the one. Union Square Cafe closing was a big thing too. I wasn’t as much of a [fan], but I do remember when I published my first book that was a big publishing hangout and that’s where they took me, so that was pretty awesome, but it wasn’t like heart-rendering. Anyway, it reopened now on Park Avenue South I think, and it’s not bad either.

But yes, there is this weird feeling you get in New York, where, because the rents are so high, [you wonder] what’s going to survive in Manhattan. I do live in Manhattan. I don’t want to live in Auburndale to get the best food, right? I mean, nothing against Auburndale, it’s just really far from my shrink.

Is there a food trend that you’re sick of? I dunno... I just don’t get into these food trends that much. I can live without kale for a very long time and be totally happy. I’m one of those people that looks for staying power. Some things are just better than others, and almost every culture has a great cuisine, a great dish. Russian food is not my favorite, but just oily sturgeon with a shot of vodka, that is a great meal in and of itself.

What’s your “Proust’s madeleine”? It’s a dish that my mother made a lot when I was a kid. It was kasha, which is buckwheat groats, I think. It’s boiled in water and milk, and my mother would put little slices of sausage in it. When I was growing up, I thought this was the most disgusting dish ever, and I would fight with my mother — I mean, we’d have screaming fits about it. In Russia, it’s considered health food, and I guess it is health food, considering everything else in Russia is just butter. She would make me eat it, and I would hate it. I would love the sausage part, because it was meat, you know? But I would eat around the kasha, and she would literally cram it down my mouth.

And then I had a kid, and he used to love a Russian chain called Teremok that was near us, and it closed down. It wasn’t my favorite place in the universe, but my kid loved it, and I think it felt for him like a connection — obviously he was born in New York — but a connection to Daddy’s culture. He actually ate the kasha, and not just the sausage. He loved the sausage very much, but he ate the kasha. And I would almost get tears in my eyes whenever I would see him eat it. I almost felt bad, like, “I wish I had enjoyed it as a kid.”

What’s a food secret that you think more people should know about? Oh god, I’m going to really gross people out here, but fried brains are amazing. That is actually something my mother made. She said it would make me smarter — that didn’t work out — but that was sort of her pitch for it. You can get them in Italy. They’re called cervelli fritti and they are spectacular — lightly, lightly fried. Ahhh, they just melt in your mouth.

I know people have this thing about brains, but they don’t taste like brains. If you take out the idea of brains, they taste like the essence of the animal, like a Vulcan mind-meld with a cow. And I just had them in London — calves’ brains — that were also very delicious. If you’re a carnivore, it makes sense to eat every part of the animal, because the animal has given itself up for your eating pleasure — go nuts, and eat every piece of it. Eat its brain and feel like you really are communing with the animal.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

• All Installments of the Famous Original Eater Questionnaire [E]

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Source: https://www.eater.com/2019/2/15/18224955/gary-shteyngart-food-interview

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