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olive-gardens-breadstick · 1 year

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MORE DC HEADCANNONS

bruce wears his mothers pearls, he gathered every last pearl in his little hands before the police got there and either had the necklace remade by a trusted jeweler whom he watched over as they did or remade it him self (after doing copious amounts of research of course)

monopoly and clue are banned from game night

diana is supposed to be the goddess of the moon and hunt, in Greek mythology but diana is actually the goddess for that in roman mythology. now

Aphrodite made the gauntlets she wears to like make sure she uses her powers for good (i think dont quote me on that) what if zeus suppressed his actual daughter, artemis within diana so she would kill ares when the time came (bc rome came after greece and diana wouldnt know ares wa her bother)

when bruce’s kids find the pictures on him with the cats (most of the notes on the back are written by oliver or martha) then spend hours looking through them because their dad is happy in these photos!!! he’s smiling!!

they also digitize them all (front and back) and put them on a flash drive shaped like a paw

after finding them in the attic they decide to snoop around for some more pictures of their dad before batman and find ONE (1) photo of him oliver harvey and harley at a drive in dress as the characters from rocky horror (bruce - dr frankenfurter oliver - janet harvey - brad harley - magenta) upon finding this the immediately to question them they go as civilians and get nothing out of oliver almost nothing out of harvey and way more than they asked from harley

despite being an alien clark is terrified of the ‘alien’ movies

clark met bruce as a teenager and bruce is so thrilled clark has no recollection of this

before they found out bruce was batman he was the justice leagues ‘if i had to pick a guy’ and it took oliver every fiber of his being to not think about it or piss himself laughing

the teen titans and young justice and similar situations when dick and tim were robin

at one point steph said ‘we cannot possibly ALL be dating superman it is not mathematically possible’ at dinner

damien is the only one to ever actually date a superman (jon) and when they ask jon why he would date damien he just shrugs and says ‘once he stops biting and you start to observe him carefully you can see he cares a lot just like bruce!’

the ‘just like bruce’ comment sends them into the stratosphere and they immediately start observing and sure enough jon was right bruce doesn’t say much but does things, when one of them mentions something something about it is done and dealt with (tim’s grapple got crumpled by bane? a new updated version is by his suit next patrol. cass mentions she wants black point shoes? in her bag and broke in by her next practice. steph mentions how she wants batburger before patrol? she’s gotten it twice before the night is over.) they mention this at the league while bruce is away and oliver confirms he’s always been like that, something he got from his mom

star fire hates the taste of actual strawberries but loves strawberry flavoring

kon loves lemon anything and once was in the news for just eating a lemon (tim and rest absolutely flamed him for it)

dream tried to skate board in a dream once and ate shit( it rained in the dreaming for two weeks)

dream’s favorite human food is an extinct banana

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antiloreolympus · 2 years

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10 Anti LO Asks

1. HOW DID ZEUS NOT KNOW APOLLO AND ARTEMIS IS HIS KIDS? Zeus has an affair with Leto and bam she gets banned and bam she has TWO SAME SHADE OF PURPLE KIDS AND ONE OF THEM looks a LOT LIKE HIM. I know at the wah beginning he and Hera were looking at Apollo and Zeus even goes “he reminds me of a young me!” Where I was thinking he lowkey knew and just Apollo didn’t know or something like that since I never saw Apollo call Zeus dad. Like Hera didnt like Artemis for being “unlady like” which I thought meant “my husbands kids from another mistress”. For Hera to be able to ban Leto and then two god children come out right after.

I know Aphrodite is also purple and isn’t zeus’s daughter but her non existent mother didn’t get banned from Olympus for having an affair with him!

I also wanna know how long ago this affair was since Apollo has an adult child.

2. Did anyone notice Artemis’ outfit changed during the season finally. She had to to jewelry on to exclaim Zeus is her father but take it off when watching Apollo vs Persephone

3. Does hades gets along with any other female goddesses other than hectate or ones he’s sleeping with? Demeter and him are known to not get along, him and Aphrodite have stepped on each other’s toes. Artemis hates his guts. I guess he gets along with Athena/hebe but that’s cause they have a good uncle niece relationship.

4. there are several instances in the iliad alone of the gods picking favorite mortals, protecting them, and literally weeping when they died. the fact rachel thinkss they legitimately dont care about them outside of rituals (??? what does that mean??) is just her once again admitting she does not actually know what she's talking about and the extent of her "research" is just whatever tumblr said in 2015.

5. the fans saying magically creating a child "isnt the fun way" both confirms they do not actually care about persephone's in comic trauma and fear of pregnancy/birth (I would say sex too, but Rachel seem to have acted one therapy session is enough to "fix" it), but also confirming they will not accept any sort of adoption, so considering Rachel writes off fan reactions just get ready for her to think up a random way to get Persephone knocked up for their weird pregnancy obsession.

6. You guys have to realize LO fans and even Rachel don't care for Persephone, it's really just about making Hades their perfect Emo Husband™️ who they get to live out their fantasies with because the other male gods are too defined, and Hades in myth lacks so much about him they can just impose a any personality on him to make him "perfect", Persephone is just a vessel to live out that fantasy. If they truly gave a damn about her, there wouldn't be romantic HxP adaptions to begin with.

7. I haven't read past the first three chapters of LO because I legit hate nearly everything about it, but I found and plowed through this blog because I find it hilarious how catastrophically bad it is. But I went to check a random late chapter after ppl said the art improved, and Persephone at one point is wearing a backpack?! It's normal in college obviously, but it's such a symbol of academic youth. Old ass man in a suit+backpack girl..looks like dad picking up his daughter from fucking school.

8. TBH the webtoon weekly format is also a big reason why LO isn't very good. Not only is that not enough time to relax and keep up the art quality, but it def seems like a lot of LO episodes is just Rachel thinking "this will sustain them for a week" and that's about it, not that's important to the story or develops anything, but that it meets enough filler until she can think up something else, which isn't good writing. She and many others could benefit from a longer in-between between episodes.

9. I feel like I would be able to support HxP in this story if it weren't for the fact Persephone has no other options but him, and they're not developed well either. Like if she has a prior dating life and partners before him, it would be more realistic, and more so some actual development in them as to why they'd work as a couple, because all we have is just Persephone with no options, plot forcing them together, physical lust. and trauma bonding. That's not good writing to make us buy the couple

10. Even beyond the atrocious design, are we not supposed to notice Rachel is phsyically incapable of letting GREEK GODS having any negative traits at all? Hera couldn't just throw her child out because she's an asshole, Eris had to randomly want to kill her! Persephone can't have inner darkness, she was cursed by Eris! Hades had to do slavery because "its tradition"! Like if she and her fans can't handle Greek gods being morally complex and even bad, then go focus on Disney movies, not the myths.

#anti lo #anti lore olympus #lo critical #lore olympus critical

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sokayisaidiot · 3 years

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Things I see people forget or overlook

Here’s a list I made, because I think other forget some certain aspects or just simply don't know them! Have fun with it :D

Dream was a caring person in the beginning, but slowly became obsessed with the thought of control, or maybe he is just possessed

The Minors are CANONICALLY CHILDREN

THE FUCKIN BIGGEST PROBLEM ON THIS HOLE SMP IS JUST MISCOMMUNICATION AND THE LACK OF THERAPY

Eret has betrayed L’Manberg in the first war with an after effect of PTSD

Niki and Jack WEREN’T in the L’Manberg Revolution

But both of them still do have their own amount of trauma

No one is a innocent person on this server

--------- read under the cut for more!

Wilbur did not always do the best for L’Manberg

Beating each other in a pit is not really good and healthy, despite people saying it’s “normal”

Jschlatt was a fairly elected President

Nobody is really certain on how to spell L’Manberg/L’Manburg or disc/disk

Tubbo was actually the last to join the rebellion of L´Manberg

Fundy was the third person and Eret the fourth

Sapnap actually dragged Tommy into the first kind of big war

Tommy could have refused, but he didn't know what would happen

All of the people have their own trauma and inner demons to fight

Phil is also just a human who in the pressure of time and confusion, which is normal in that situation for everybody age, had to do something. Wilbur would have done it himself or searched for another person to do it. It was inevitable either way.

Tommy and Tubbo, even with their age and past have done some stupid shit. It should not be forgotten, but also the next to posts are needed to be read for this.

Age DOES make another Level for Trauma and doing actions seeable and it should not be forgotten

Childhoods and pasts filled with Trauma and PTSD do not just go the same way like normal childhoods and past without that. It leaves an impact on how you act and work.

Punishing is not teaching a lesson. It just makes the person more stubborn

But Tommy just apparently has the biggest amount

Opening about Trauma or past mistakes is really hard to do

You shouldn't use VIOLENCE as an ANSWER

Theres always more than one side to the story

Philza DIDN’T confirm Tommy as his son, because it was Tommy’s decision

THIS IS ALL A ROLEPLAY

Everybody, and I really mean EVERYBODY has done some kind of grieving, destroyed something with a creeper or simply made something ugly once. Try me, I can count up--

When you have a panic attack or mental breakdown, you won't be having a “villain arc”

Peer Pressure is real and can happen to any of us. Even the oldest or best fighter

The content creator will somehow see weird shits of weird people. Just stop doing bad things, especially when they told “you” to stop

Not everybody in this Fandom has respect, but you shouldn't go for violence or cussing either

We are not people to order others around in the chat

The CC ARE having clear lines between themselves and their characters

Even if you really love the Dream SMP and dedicate so much to it, remember to take care of yourself first! It won't run away and self-care is way more important!

Just because a character is joining a arc, doesn't mean they are stupid. It’s always probably talked about it offline to discuss their involvement

Tommy and Techno have one of the biggest miscommunications in the lore and both have betrayed each other in one way or another

There isn't really a good or evil

Don’t cross tag, promote your thing when it’s NOT related to the content or be a dick when you post something against a character. Use the negative or critical character hashtag and LEAVE OUT the main one. When you don't like to have hate on your main tag, don't spread the hate to others

Nobody is better than the other in the story line. You can have your favorite characters, but don't say something like “Ranboo is better than Tommy” openly and generously

Respect creators decisions in general. You can make funny jokes, but no crossing boundaries like getting aggressive or shit like that

A character isn't a good character just because their doing something with your favorite character. Respect their own storyline and plot. Maybe do a little research

SAME WITH THE PLOTS IN GENERAL

Don’t try to cancel someone because you JUST DONT LIKE THEM. If you have something really bad with enough sense to talk about, then act like a decent human being. The hole Technoblade situation is getting to my head. He made a joke 4 years ago. When someone else next to you, who you don't know, would make such a joke, you would just shrug and ignore. When someone like Technoblade is already a really supportive person of various positiv things, then you can see it was just a stupid little joke. Don't act like 13 year olds and please try to be more civil. You're just becoming a Karen or Chad of the internet. And that doesn't mean I found the joke funny, no I found it stupid, but nobody is fuckin perfect, you are not, the youtubers are not, streamers are not, Authors are not, your local shiny perfect fine family are not, I am not. We all make mistakes or just stupid things. And this was one of them.

And Techno would know if it was a really bad thing. He ain’t stupid

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freshlybakedspiderbread · 3 years

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I brought up hanyang type 88 here and i said i’d explain, so here I am!!

okay so first off here’s a bunch of likely useful context about girls frontline. There is this feature in the game called digimind upgrade, or mod 3, where certain t-dolls can be upgraded past the normal maximum levels and stats, and at the same time gaining whole new abilities and also a new design. Basically a reinvention. There are like hundreds of playable characters in the game, and only a fraction will get mod 3s, typically the ‘main characters’ who are relevant to the major ongoing plot.

two things about getting a doll who has the ability to do digimind upgrade, to actually do that. One, is that it can be very costly in terms of in-game materials. like, maybe i just played the game wrong but I would have to grind for weeks in order to amass the materials to upgrade just one doll to mod 3. So even though by now there are dozens upon dozens of dolls who are capable of this feature, i’ve only actually done so with like, less than one dozen. A normal player probably has to be picky.

secondly, and this is the big one, every t-doll’s mod 3 comes with story cutscenes that become available for you to view upon upgrading them. Personally, i think most of the only worthwhile mod 3 stories are the ones that are associated with the actual major characters of the main story, especially since their upgrades actually happen in-canon and their mod 3 stories fill in blanks or otherwise expand upon the regular story chapters.

for the t-dolls who aren’t major characters that get digimind upgrades, their associated stories tend to follow a very basic pattern. They’re feeling like they are falling behind other T-Dolls in abilities or are otherwise experiencing a drop in confidence in their abilities, but then find the resolve in them to either change themselves or stand by an aspect of themselves, and this leads them to heading to the lab to get upgraded. obviously theres some nuances here and there depending on the character, but a lot of them, from what i saw, follow this basic pattern.

hanyang type 88 has a mod 3 but i certainly never wanted to see it. Firstly, using the feature at all takes up resources are kinda precious so i wasn’t just gonna use it on anyone. Secondly, she is just one of many one-off t-dolls that basically dont ever show up in any actual main story cutscenes or even funny events. Thirdly... you saw what she looked like in the linked post, i was in no rush to make use of her.

That being said, even if you don’t ever upgrade a t-doll, simply having them in your possession allows you to at least view the first of four parts of their mod 3 story, which nets you a small amount of those materials needed to see the rest (its a pretty fiendish system, huh o_O). I was lacking in some materials to upgrade a doll i cared about, so i just mucked around, eventually happened upon type88 again and decided that instead of just immediately feeding her to the furnace, I’d watch the first chapter of her mod 3 story. I watched it, it made me just curious enough to look further, and well. ...I got into it. Exactly what I got into, i shall now just elaborate and summarise the whole thing in my own way! Warning, it’s long!

(disclosure: my summary will bias towards my own preferred interpretation whenever any aspect is somewhat vague.)

The story starts with type 88, or as she is called by others in griffin base, Ai, working her shift in the base’s cafe, because what else would she be doing.

i hate looking at her! Anyway, its just a pleasant peaceful day and Ai is taking the logistic person, kalina’s order when suddenly in the middle of a conversation, Ai freezes in place and starts making worrying sounds.

kalina here and the t-dolls present in the cafe are concerned, and talk about how Type88 has actually been crashing like this more and more frequently lately, yet has not reported any of this to the maintenance crew despite the advice of her friends. They try rebooting her on the spot, but it has an even more concerning effect, because she starts erratically acting like she doesn’t recognise the others, and talks about how she is a maid in “Jiangcheng Cafe”. Afraid that her neural cloud (her mind) has been scrambled, they put her to sleep and bring her to the repair bay.

Its in the repair bay where they explain exactly what is wrong with type88. She is a fairly old doll, and her processing capacity has been severally clogged up for a long time. Her internal memory is overflowing because many large sections of her mind is filled with very large encrypted files (memories that she stored away). she is likely to keep crashing and possibly even cease functioning entirely one day if those encrypted files are not deleted, but nobody is really keen on just deleting parts of her mind without her consent. For now, kalina just opts to try and decrypt the files and see what they are.

And from here, we watch type88 memories from her perspective. Sort of. Kind of. It gets complicated later but for now, we view the first memory of her life, not as a combat t-doll type88, but...

...as 59898, a doll designed to be what is basically a ‘crash test dummy’ for testing artillery technology in a research station. With a purpose like this, 59898 has an (ostensibly) rudimentary AI. Her learning ability is intended to be used to better aid the results of their testing, but she also knows how to understand and even imitate specific human gestures in order to better respond to instructions or conversation, even though she herself has no voice module to speak with. She is assigned to assist one specific person.

first off, i was pretty shocked right off the bat that this story above so many others actually has unique assets to it. The above two sprites don’t show up anywhere else in the game, i don’t think. Secondly, this woman’s name is only ever spelled with those white squares, so I’m stuck with having to just calling her ‘the pilot’, as dry as that sounds... I just don’t want to type out weird characters every time, or call her ‘triple cube’...

Anyway, so 59898 is assigned to help this woman in testing artillery tech (stuff like mechs and tanks). I should mention really quick that in the game’s story, during this point of time is when world war iii is happening, but that’s just a backdrop for robots to eventually gain more prominence. Anyway, we move on to the second memory, where some time has already passed. At the beginning of this memory, the pilot is visibly depressed, which 59898 takes note of.

Her ‘comfort mode’ consists of patting the pilot on the head, who while surprised, actually is grateful. She feels comfortable enough to talk about her worries aloud to the doll, mentioning how she is a war refugee and has to make a living in the research base because she can’t go back to her home in china, at least not before making enough money for a very expensive and exclusive train ticket. She continues to talk at length to the doll...

...not that the test doll is capable of responding to anything she says. The pilot insists that she’s happy just to have someone listen to her though, since she feels like she can’t really express her feelings to any other person on the base. Despite that-

That aside, the pilot says that referring to 59898 by her serial number all the time feels a bit weird, so she decides to give the doll a name. (I sure wish the story would give this woman a name too, other than ‘three white squares’ but oh well...)

She talks more with Jiangcheng Ai, or just Ai, after that, asking her if she’d like a change of clothes sometime, like some casual clothes, or an old maid outfit from an old cafe job she used to have (I guess they had to throw in any explanation for that outfit somehow) Point is, more and more time passes.

As time passes though, and we go into the third memory, the pilot brings up complaints to her superiors about how the more recent testings, becoming more increasingly intense and frequent, are putting a great strain on Ai, and even repairs can only help maintain her chassis so much. She insists on wanting to take Ai’s place in the testing, but they refuse because, well, Ai’s entire purpose is to take the strain of these tests so that the human pilot doesn’t have to, and the doll is just a tool there to pave the way for the pilot to eventually take over the mech in action

The next time Ai wakes up from her most recent repairs, the pilot is there to greet her, and Ai can tell straight away that she’s unhappy and tries to comfort her again. The pilot is not surprised at this and talks about how this is how Ai has been since they first met. She goes on to say how all the other people on the base don’t know her half as well as Ai does. Ai tries to understand and determine what the pilot’s intentions with saying all this is, but she cannot do so and can only listen while offering ‘executing - affirmative nod’.

The pilot talks about how once the war is over, she’d like to take Ai back home with her, where they could go to all sorts of gatherings, and the pilot would introduce Ai to her friends.

Ai reviews her personal data, confirming that she has no owners or obligations other than the pilot, so she executes another affirmative nod, and the pilot says this:

As Ai tries and fails to further determine this, something bad happens! if you’ve read this far, i’m sure you’ve already guess what happens next...

At that exact moment, a warning goes out and the research base is being attacked by nebulous enemy forces. With no time to talk anymore, both the pilot and Ai head out into their first real fight.

They spend a good long while repelling enemy forces, working well together and apparently using all sorts of wacky anime weaponry like beam blades and whatever ‘retrograde evasion’ is!

obviously though, you already know this isn’t going to end well for them... When the pilot takes a breather, Ai moves to protect her, but at a critical moment, a sudden high-speed projectile comes her way. In the next instance there’s a crash, and we move onto another memory. Where its all fire and debris, and Ai can’t move.

^ this text box actually repeats several times, indicating that she is repeating her scan for life signs over and over. She gets an internal warning from her systems (differentiated with red text) that she has insufficient power and it warns her to immediately cease ineffective operations. [Unable to detect owner life signs] repeats again.

At this point, uuuuh, its a little stupid actually? because two humans show up, reusing generic ‘bad guy’ sprites from other events that don’t match the current environment and situation at all (one is in a suit and the other is in casual clothes). but the reason they’re here is to provide exposition out loud about what happened. It looked like the human’s mech took a hit for the doll and was blown to bits, though they talk about how that doesn’t make any sense.

Ai at this point tries to execute a bunch of different actions like hugging [target not found] and screaming [no relevant module] but they all fail, and her internal systems tell her that her power is running out and she will cease to function in 30 seconds.

So in those last 30 seconds, Ai decides to quickly review her internal files. the damage she took has corrupted her memories and she doesn’t have the time to properly go through them, so she executes a ‘simulated processed records’, which basically mean she’s just filling the blanks of those memories herself with simulations.

And I have to say. I was decently into and enjoying this little story so far, but its this part that’s the reason i became forced to make this stupid giant post. the first ‘memory’ loads up, and we see the pilot.

Different ‘memories’ of the days spent with the pilot are loaded back to back, each are very short and only last a few lines. Across these files, the two of them talk comfortably with each other, Ai is invited to go get coffee with her, the pilot talks about how going alone is boring and would rather spend time with Ai, Ai saying back with her own words that she always likes spending time with her, etc etc etc.

And then finally, she loads one last ‘memory’, from earlier that same day, before the explosion and the fighting.

and she shuts down.

i passed by this scene the first time all calm, but an hour or so later when I was in the bathroom replacing shampoo bottles, i started thinking about it and I literally started sobbing. And then again later that night when i was in bed. I hate this game!!

so that’s the ‘end’ of that, and the next scene opens, once again in griffin base’s cafe, except...

Ai is sporting a brand new (ugly) look. She says she’d like to take kalina’s order but she was just leaving on other business, as she likes keeping herself busy with all sorts of work around the base ever since she got upgraded into a gundam gajinka. and after she leaves, kalina talks with the other dolls about how Ai used to have some cache issues because her neutral cloud was too full, but upgrading into this new chassis easily fixed that and even allowed her to make use of her old locked away abilities.

Because of the way this scene in the cafe opens up exactly like the very first one at the beginning, it makes me believe that this final scene is also a simulated ‘memory’, that is, Ai filling in the blanks of her corrupted memories with what she wishes to be reality. And i feel confident in believing that because after the scene fades to black, we see more of her internal system monologue.

She (the system) says that the priority execution is to preserve those encrypted memory logs. She does so, and the neural cloud upgrade is complete with confirmation of no loss files. With no risk of deletion in this new form, she executes the command to unlock the encrypted memories. And finally...

[spiderbread dies]

i still wouldn’t use her in gameplay because i can’t stand looking at her design but i told you all i eat up robot with feelings stuff and this is like prime example of exactly that... and if i didn’t make this post, i think my own neutral cloud’s cache would be at risk of overflowing x_X!

#spider bread crumbs #gfl

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mg-sytem · 4 years

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Shitty therapist vent

TW- sexual abuse, CSA, sexual content, invalidation

So, when I first went into therapy at 13/14, it was shortly after I had finally told my parents about the sexual abuse I endured from 6-10. They quickly got me into therapy and reported this to the authorities. Anyways, I had went over everything I was willing to say to the therapist, and things I could remember, and we went over my symptoms of anxiety, depression, apathy (I didn't have the word for this at the time, and we'll get into this a bit further down) and just a lot of bad things.

She had the nerve to tell me, that FOUR years of sexual abuse, was not enough for me to have PTSD, because he had never penetrated me. Regardless of the amount of times he touched me, or tried to get me to touch him. Regardless of the fact that I was terrified to be around him. I simply couldn't have PTSD because of the things he DIDN'T do. Because he wasn't as "forceful" as he could have been.

But it doesnt end there. A while into therapy I was having full weeks of feeling apathetic. But my only words for this at the time were "like feeling numb and angry at the same time"

And her response? "Well you can't feel numb if you also feel angry so that doesnt make sense" instead of trying to help me find words for what I was feeling, she invalidated me.

Another time, I was going over the things that were happening that were really depressing me, like me and my girlfriend at the time being bullied really badly, even to the point of physical bullying. And her response? "It sounds like you're trying to find reasons to be depressed"

She also had a habit of trying to make it seem like I was...privileged i guess? She would tell me countless stories of clients she had that were severely abused, neglected, and were in foster care. She spent more time telling me stories about other kids who "had it worse" than actually help me.

I don't even remember the majority, because I just shut myself off after a certain point. I was young and didnt know how to tell that she was actually a fucking horrible therapist. I didn't know I could simply ask for another therapist, either.

She was a therapist for abused and neglected children specifically, by the way.

Then we get to the therapist I had from 16 to almost 19. That was the best therapy I had ever had. She helped me a lot, listened to me, gave me actual good advice and didn't invalidate me. She even helped me try and find ways to help myself while I was trapped in an abusive relationship. But sadly, she had to move away. Too far for me to continue seeing her.

Then we get to the last therapist I had... this was right after I was questioning if I was part of a system. I was diagnosed at that office with OSDD, and I started seeing the therapist that they said was the best LGBTQ+ therapist in their office. Well, she was pretty fucking terrible.

First she asked a lot of questions. Pronouns I used, how I identified, my transition goals, etc. Those are fine. But then she would ask things about my sex life? She asked how it was, what kind of people I had sex with, if I had any kinks/was into BDSM. (Not really sure how most of that was relevant)

I told her I had a sexual alter that would come out just for sex, then leave afterwards. I was also having issues with her insulting me, and my partner system. Especially when it came to sexual things. So I told the therapist about this. And her response? She had the NERVE to ask me if "she was a way for me to sexually roleplay as a beautiful blonde woman". I was disgusted. I'm a nonbinary trans man, I'm not a woman. My sexual fantasies don't involve me being a woman. I don't need to be a woman during sex to enjoy the things I enjoy.

She honestly said quite a few things that were Invalidating and gross, and caused a few alters to go dormant because of how uncomfortable it was for them. She tried to tell me that since we dont have full amnesia and i never leave the front, that my alters weren't developed very much, and were just "masks" I put on. The wording there is woefully incorrect. Not only do many OSDD systems have fully developed alters, but I really didn't choose to have this disorder. I have no control over who fronts when. And back then, I was still having a hard time accepting that I didnt get all the time to myself.

She started to realize that I was uncomfortable and FINALLY decided "okay I'm going to start doing more research on dissociative disorders" and actually asked me if my goal was integration, to which I said no. A big issue was, is that she kept comparing my experiences to a client she had, that had DID, and not OSDD. of course, my experiences are going to be very different from most people with DID. Because the disorders present very differently in many cases.

My partner system has DID. Their experiences are a lot different than ours. Their amnesia is between switches. OUR amnesia is that every other alter than me, they have amnesia about themselves. It can take them a long time to figure out who they are, and they don't have their own memories. We function off of collective memory when they front. The things they experience out here, are essentially stored in "my" memory. We don't yet have an inner world, which I assume is a reason we have this issue. Not even an alter that's been confirmed to exist for a long time. (I was 11 when I first interacted with him), remembers that far back. He doesn't remember the time he completely fronted for at least a few weeks where I have 100% amnesia. He doesn't remember the things we did and experienced at the younger age. He only recently gained emotional connection to a few memories.

Anyways, sorry this was long...I've just, been sick and tired of shitty therapists. And it makes me horribly sad when I see people feeling so shitty because their therapist or psychiatrist said something that hurt them so bad, that their worlds turn upside down.

Please please remember that just because they're therapists, doesn't mean they're always right. It doesn't mean they know EVERYTHING. and most therapist ESPECIALLY don't know much, if anything, about DID/OSDD. They're still only human, and sometimes they shouldn't even be QUALIFIED to be therapists.

Never feel guilty if you need to try again, and again, and again, to find someone better. Not every therapist will be a fit for you. Some are truly amazing at what they do, and some will connect with you, and many of them likely won't. Therapy should not be something that you dread. A good therapist will make you feel comfortable, and make you feel like they're someone you can confide in.

ENDOGENIC SYSTEMS DNI!!!!

#Therapy #Vent #OSDD #DID

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heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet · 4 years

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When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th

Mood/anxiety = numb.

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick.

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO.

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done.

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep.

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator.

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship.

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same.

---Emotionally it hurts the same.

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way.

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am.

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation.

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate.

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally.

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety - still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested.

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way.

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean.

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board.

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum.

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far.

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine.

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict.

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed.

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings.

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days.

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely.

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness".

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room.

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod.

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am.

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes.

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok.

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house.

We are having a picnic social distancing style.

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around. But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction)

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives.

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant.

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past.

#mental health #lost #hurting #help #self reflection #finelinebetweenloveandhate #still breathing #GAD #recovery #survivor

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thefeckisthis · 4 years

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manifestation and religion

disclaimer: im going to write my opinions on religion and if you consider yourself a believer - dont get offended as we all have different experiences and beliefs. also, i will be mentioning some stuff that most people find weird and unusual so please keep your mind open and leave your judgment somewhere else.

i wrote quite a bit and then my clumsy ass accidentally closed all tabs and everything was gone so this time ill write my intro in short version. so we all heard the saying ‘’be careful what you wish for it may come true’’. well it does come true and it has proved to me so many times, and before i get to the basics of law of attraction and manifestation I am going to say a bit of background how i got to it all.

as most of my country i was raised christian and had to practice the religion until i was 14/15 and got my holy confirmation so after that i was finally happy that i did not have to go to church if i did not want to. my family is not super religious, we do follow the holiday traditions and such as its normal in our country, but personally i dont give them much meaning. two of my family members are religious and i am grateful because in a place as my hometown our parents gave us free will when i came to religion (after our confirmation only :P) .

with all my experience and research i came to realise that christianity is most rotten, corrupted, vile and disgusting religion there is. there are exceptions that were better than rest, that is a small number unfortunately. i always considered myself agnostic, there is no defined god but there is something bigger than humankind and its still unknown. and you look at all the religions you will find that mostly all of them have same stories, people and facts, just bit amended to their culture. so to explain a bit, here is internet definition of agnosticism # Agnosticism is the view that the existence of God, of the divine or the supernatural is unknown or unknowable. Another definition provided is the view that "human reason is incapable of providing sufficient rational grounds to justify either the belief that God exists or the belief that God does not exist." and no, atheist is not the same. heres couple of pictures giving some insights

so now that we have that sorted out i would like to stress out that i never had anything against people who believe in god or dont believe in god, i have friends who are strong believers and friends who are atheist, its just called being adult and accepting people as they are. not enough people can do that.

so i did lots of research on religions and i do like polytheism ( Polytheism is the worship of or belief in multiple deities, which are usually assembled into a pantheon of gods and goddesses, along with their own religions and rituals) so i always had huge interest in roman and Greek deities, Egyptian as well and for a while was reading about Hinduism. of course i read a lot about all other older civilizations and most of them are based on polytheism.

during my exploring i came across a doctrine about paganism (havent fully finished all the books and here is a link if anyone would be interested in buying https://despot-infinitus.com/proizvod/paganizam-u-teoriji-i-praksi-doktrina-paganizma/) and i really liked the whole idea of it and i am still actively considering of becoming a white witch/wicca and reading those books inspired adding bit more on my pentagram tattoo, which is actually representing five elements so with added moons it represents triple goddess symbol.

many people ask me is that devils sign and am i a satanist, and that is ridiculous assumption based on only one symbol. and as a matter of fact i have been reading about satanism itself as well (of course i have) and its quite surprisingly peaceful religion and makes more sense than christianity does. to read more about their rules (which are way better than 10 commandments) click here - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LaVeyan_Satanism#Basic_tenets

those who know me a bit better know that i love paranormal stuff and that i have strong connection with it and that caused a lot of paranormal experiences in my life (i bring all the ghosts to your yard aaayyy) so i recently also discovered demonology ( Demonology is the study of demons or beliefs about demons. They may be human, or nonhuman, separable souls, or discarnate spirits which have never inhabited a body.) and that you can actually learn how to practice it and cant lie that also interests me as well as you contact demons and entities and you work together to learn about world and history and you give them chance to peacefully experience the world (they literally posses you and that way they get to taste food and emotions etc)

yes this is quite informative post as well. and yes, you will all probably deem me insane after reading all this. and what i noticed is that all of them mentioned above work on the principle of cooperation, you have to give to receive. and i dont mean like you have to make blood sacrifices to get your wishes, i mean you have to put in some effort in it and show good intentions and most important of all - you have to show some respect.

so to finally get to the reason why you are all here. manifestation and law of attraction.

there were loads of instances in my life where i noticed small details that most of people wouldnt notice and after googling them one word kept coming up - universe. so automatically when you start look into that law of attraction and manifestation come up as well, they all g hand in hand like little happy family.

So law of attraction is something you all definitely had experience with. Basically its what you put out to the world is what you get. Simple change of mindset can change everything in your life. Have you noticed when you are happy and spreading happiness everything around you seems nicer, people are nicer to you, nice things happen and then when you are in bad mood everything is going bad.

Sounds familiar? That is law of attraction for you people. you’re releasing/giving good vibes to the atmosphere and people around you so universe makes sure to give good things back. notice that give and take relationship here? Dont be fooled tho, its not always as simple as it sounds. it is especially hard when you get into that deep hole of feeling bad a and depressed. it is really hard to change your train of thoughts and get yourself to think positive. universe wont award you for one good thought, it has to be series of it and you really need to feel them. you truly need to be in a good moment to get something back from universe.

say thank you to people serving you, ask people how are they, show that you care, pick up a paper from street and throw it in a bin, smile to everyone, pet a random animal on a street, anything counts. and dont do it just because you expect something huge from universe as most of the time universe will give back with good things as well, someone will help you, smeone will compliment you, you’ll get free cup of coffee, just random things like that. you will be surprised that good things will come to you in a moment you need. it also makes you more grateful for everything in your life and makes your everyday nicer and more positive.

then we come to manifestation.

thiiiiiis my people is bit more complicated than just law of attraction, but one without other does not go. there is no definition of the manifestation, but it is a fact that if you want something really bad universe will give it to you. i had universe manifest so many of my things that i wanted, just took a bit of time. maybe it has happened for you too. sit and think how many things did you wish for and you have them now? there are certainly more than few things that come to your mind. i can easily name at least 10 things that universe manifested for me without even realizing that was it.

there are many ways to manifest something and it is impossible for me to write everything about it in this post as it is bit more complicated than law of attraction, but i will try to outline some things and believe me when you google manifestation you will find loads of examples and you can read for days about it.

every single wish you want to manifest you can, it just requires some work and that is the hardest part. there are many ways of manifesting something, scribbling, drawing, visualizing, meditating and many more - you need to find something that works the best for you. you need to have clear vision of what you want (general idea wont work), you have to want it really strongly and you need to start working towards it, even little steps - remember when i said you have to give to receive, same with universe. it wont just drop it in your lap because you decided it would be beneficial for you.

and have in mind very important thing universe will always provide and it will give you what you deserve when you are ready for it.

so yes, it means it can take waaaay longer than you expect it, it may not be hours, days it may be years, it just means that you are not ready for it yet but that doesnt mean universe is not working on bringing it to you. all the work you put into it will definitely be worth it.

for example i fell in love in marketing in university and always wanted a job in that field. it did not get easy to me at all. i spent long five years applying for the jobs and either getting rejections or no answer. and believe me that could put me in such bad mood sometimes that i just wanted to give up on everything. add to that anxiety struggles and that makes it even harder. and as mentioned in the last year i worked on myself mentally, my anxiety has been on lower levels for a while and it does spike up now and then and it messes things up, but i’ve been happier mentally then i ever was in last 5 years and towards end of the last year more and more good things started to come my way and then i finally got that long awaited job.

i am still looking a proper way to thank universe for making it happen for me as that is also important thing for manifestation.

going to use myself as example - being a cheerleader, moving to another country, going to enrique iglesias concerts, visiting loch ness and Neuschwanstein Castle and many more were just big wishes at one point and so far they all came true and i couldnt be happier. it can be small things as well, once i tried to test it and i wanted to manifest a drink date. so i kept thinking how i will go for a drink with someone next week. and it happened, next week i went for a drink with a guy i just met, completely unexpectedly. i didnt specify anything else other than gooing for a drink at that was the only thing that happened.

once wished for more money (also nothing specific stupid me haha) and after two days i found €5 on the floor. not much but universe did provide what i wanted :D

as i’ve said, manifestation is more complicated than law attraction and requires strong mind and strong will, so not only that you get what you wish and work for - it makes you a better person as well! To end this i am going to leave couple of links you can visit and see more about them, or if you’re more adventurous just google manifestation and enjoy your journey :) https://medium.com/thrive-global/9-principles-of-conscious-manifestation-3d2df7a4a87

https://elysesantilli.com/what-is-manifestation/

https://blog.mindvalley.com/manifestation/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZNFXNnKOLdA5ZD7Sn2p5aQ/videos

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvptCAXYmDZMOffniGRfomQ/videos

#new post #manifestation #law of attraction #universe #believe #follow #Followme #follow for follow #fun #religion #thoughts

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blossem12 · 5 years

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Vampire!Deetz Part 14

Part 14! Its a long one. But we both had so much fun with this chapter!

This part is co-written with the AMAZING @nimarasnetherworld

Check it out on AO3 on her link!

Chapter summary: Lydia works with the Maitlands and Otho begins to plan.

---

Lydia sat in the maitlands garden at midnight, staring at the watering can that she had been trying to move for the past few days.

"Lydia?" Barbara's voice came from the window. Lydia looked over to see the witch staring at her, "its super late"

"It's the only real time i can practice with the sun not out" The teen explained,

"Are you okay by yourself? I'm nervous with it being so late"

"I basically live in the night. I'm sure I'm fine."

Barbara let out a yawn and a shrug. Lydia shifted her focus back to the watering can and held her hands in front of her.

"Come on.." Lydia pleaded to herself, her hands shook but no light emitted from them. She groaned loudly in frustration and threw her hands back. The can then flew past and hit the outside of the maitlands house.

"I'll be out in a minute." Barbara laughed slightly as she moved from the window. Lydia sat on the ground as she waited for the woman. Small conversation between Adam and Barbara was heard and then moments later the witch came out the door.

"Adams awake but he's going to try and go back to bed." Barbara explained as she walked. Almost instantly her thoughts turned to static, her feet felt bolted to the ground. Yet as soon as it arrived it disappeared, Barbara found herself holding the watering can and standing at the spot where it had been before it flew.

"Everything okay?" Lydia asked, Barbara glanced at the watering can in her hands.

"I don't remember going to grab the can."

"Its probably just because you're tired. But i'm glad you grabbed it, I was just about to ask."

"Well, moonlight doesn't last forever. Lets get working"

"Working on powers?" Charles asked as his daughter walked into the house, Lydia nodded, "Its late."

"Im aware." Lydia's words were stale, her eyes refused to meet his,

"Any progress?"

"None. I haven't been able to control the power."

"Any guess on why?"

"No. And Barbara doesnt know either… im basically screwed," she mumbled.

"Are you trying hard enough?" Charles asked, Lydia was taken aback by his question. With all her signs of frustration, he still was oblivious.

Same as always

"I'm trying as hard as i can Dad." Her words came out sharp, almost scaring Charles.

"Did I say something wrong?" The father asked clearly confused of the way his words reached the teenager

"I dont feel like talking anymore" She snapped, "just leave me alone."

" Lydia, I don't believe I understand? I try to talk to you about your power training and you turn me away,"

"I said leave me alone!" She yelled, when she looked up she saw her father's eyes become glossed over. Charles's expressions dropped as he turned and walked away. Not a single word to Lydia.

Lydia watched, she felt a wave of sadness hit her chest.

Maybe I was too harsh?

Maybe he didn't mean to sound rude

Before she could process her movements Lydia found herself next to her father in the other room. He was looking around confused on how he ended up in the space.

"Dad? I didn't mean… to yell.." She began to apologize as her dad shook off the weird feeling.

"I understand. My statement came out wrong." Charles added, Lydia felt a weight leave her shoulders at her dad understanding.

"Maybe you would like to join us for training? So i can show you and maybe see if you know how to help?"

Charles let out a small smile.

"I'd love to join you."

The two stood in silence for merely moments before Charles spoke up again,

"I don't fully remember walking into this room." He explained, Lydia tilted her head in confusion.

"I don't understand?"

"I remember you yelling at me and then I remember being in this room. The middle just feels like static."

"That's weird. Barbara had a similar incident. I wonder if it's the weather?" The teen asked her father.

"I don't know. I can ask Mrs. Maitland tomorrow."

Lydia let out a laugh at her father's attempt at elegance.

"You can just call her Barbara"

***********

Why did these meetings always happen so late? Otho sighed. He was glad to back in New-York but he was less happy to be stuck in a building someone would probably never approach on their own. But he had to be here. It was important. They needed to keep the population safe and vampires were a threat. His dad had been a hunter before him and he had taught him very early on that vampires needed to be killed. Of course, Otho had questioned it many times. He had never heard of fatal vampire attacks in his life. Surely it meant that vampires weren’t as dangerous as they thought they were. But it was before his mother was killed by one of these monsters. Otho was only 15 at the time. His father descended into depression and spent his time chasing vampires until he died a few years ago.

Otho could have thought about walking away from the hunters. But it was before he bumped into Delia a few weeks ago and had realized that she could become a victim of those creatures of the night. He liked Delia. She was actually his only student who was genuinely concerned about her clients and wanted to improve their lives. He had somehow ended up seeing her as a friend. She didn’t deserve to meet the same fate as his mother.

Just as Otho was about to leave, tired to wait, Damon made his entrance, flanked on each side by hunters Otho had never met before.

“We were able to confirm the location of the vampires.” Damon smirked, “god job Otho.”

“Don’t sound so surprised. After all I’m always right. Just like the weatherman telling you about the weather.” Deadpanned the guru.

“Well, now we have to plan the attack.” Said Damon, taking a seat in front of Otho, “We have to act fast, so they don’t have the chance to escape again. We’ll take the team from the first failed attempt. After all they are the best.”

Otho nodded before Damon spoke again,

“We have to be careful too. We did more research on them and they are both born vampires so they might have very strong powers.” The hunter paused, leaning back in his chair, sending a smug look at Otho, “My guys also confirmed the presence of your mortal friends.”

Otho didn’t show any emotions but, he was relieved that Delia was still human and safe.

“And how do you plan on taking them down.”

Damon dismissed the question with a wave of his hand,

“We’ll talk about our tactic with the whole team. But,” he leaned toward Otho, as if he was going to share a juicy secret, “We have a new toy.”

The guru jumped slightly when Damon slapped a small, round device on the table. Otho raised one of his eyebrows questioningly.

“This little thing can release a gas that neutralizes vampiric powers. It includes specific powers as well as their strength. Once they inhale that, killing them becomes as easy as stealing a baby’s lollipop.”

Otho had to admit that he was impressed. The attacks would become way easier with that new gadget. He sent an approving nod to Damon before adding,

“So, when do we move?”

“We meet with the team tomorrow. The gas still needs a few touch-ups so we’ll probably get to the main action in about two weeks. Meanwhile, I’ll have some of my guys watching the vampires, so we’ll know if they move.”

An evil smiled appeared on the hunter’s face, it made Otho shivered,

“This time they don’t have a chance. We’ll crush them, like bats under a hammer.”

#vampire deetz #vampire au #delia deetz #charles deetz #adam maitland #barbara maitland #charles/delia

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magical-agatha · 5 years

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god my fuckin temperament is too weak to handle thinking about inguinal hernias anymore today. this: http://transhealth.ucsf.edu/trans?page=guidelines-testicular-pain is still the only link i can find that has any confirmation of it as a danger to trans women who tuck. but it doesn't go into detail about how the actual hernia is occurring and what the relationship is with tucking. but at least it confirms a correlation so i know that it is in fact a danger and not just wild speculation or something based solely on one person’s experience, which may or may not reflect the rest of the community. from what i can guess its probably like? pushing the testicles into the inguinal cavity is distending it and weakening the muscles, which is allowing the intestines to slip through into the cavity. i wonder if theres like, something in this to do with like, physical exertion, bc it could also be that tucking is creating a weakness that is getting exacerbated by a moment of physical exertion? or maybe by moving in a way that like, affects the muscles in there? idk. there really isnt a lot of info about this and im not a doctor so the best i can do is speculation. but i dont think the idea that tucking is distending the inguinal cavity which is weakening the associated abdominal muscles is too extreme of a jump. this is one of those times where i really really wish there was more medical information and research about trans bodies, bc most of what there is is sporadic and incomplete and the rest is sourceless uhh, whats the word, when its just based off a persons experience being recounted without any like, reliable research or info. starts with A. im very tired lol. point is i wish there was more info out there cuz there really isnt a lot and im scared ppl are going to get hurt bc of that. this is also like, opening my eyes a lot about how uncertain the information i have in general about like, my body and the bodies of other trans women. bc im finding inconsistent info about things i thought were facts, like for example tucking has always been held up to be perfectly safe, but ive never been able to do it without it hurting, and apparently like?? the whole ‘hrt will turn you infertile’ thing might be inconsistent too? apparently it happens to some but not others. and the thing about like, ‘you WILL lose the function of your dick’ (with the implied ‘but thats a good thing’ that has always pissed me off) and my dick still works, it works differently and i cum and orgasm differently than i did before hrt but it still very much works, it just seems to follow different rules? and i still cum and i can still get hard, both of those things were supposed to stop happening but they didnt. it just like.. went through a process of being reprogrammed so it behaves differently now. cuz there was a period where i couldnt orgasm and i couldnt cum, but then i could again, and now my orgasms are totally different than they were when i was pre hrt. instead of it being like, sudden and intense and overwhelming, it builds up slowly to a peak, then gradually declines from there and leaves you feeling warm throughout and very very soft. and my hen leaks precum constantly when im aroused, and then when i cum it shoots a little bit out then like, leaks goo for the next half hour, not a little bit either. its a mess.

there was something else i wanted to say here but i forgot it. all in all im just. mad that the only ppl who care about the health of trans ppl are some doctors and trans ppl themselves. and that information about our bodies is inconsistent even between professionals. i cant be sure that my doctor actually knows how my body works and whats best for me. it makes it so much harder to trust doctors and feel safe when i see them. what a nightmare. i want to help ppl. i want to find and compile info about our bodies to keep us all safe but i can barely look after myself and i cant commit to doing that. i have to focus on myself. so all i can rly do is like, give advice and try to warn ppl of potential dangers and do what research i can. which is what we’re all doing. the danger is when personal biases conflict with caring for the safety of other ppl, which is the root of all the problems with trans medical stuff i think. whether its doctors enforcing their biases on trans ppl thru medical advice/medicine, or trans ppl themselves giving advice that is warped by their personal beliefs. it leads to misinformation and inconsistency and thats dangerous. that means people getting hurt. so i have to be careful when i give advice to be aware of my own personal biases. such as like, i hate tucking, but i cant tell ppl to just not tuck bc its not my body, i dont know if theres a way to tuck safely or not, so instead i have to tell ppl to be careful and to be aware of potential risks, and to listen to their body bc pain and discomfort are important indicators of harm being done. but im scared that will be lost in the tide of ‘tuck or you arent a real trans woman, you need tucking to pass, it cant hurt you’ that has been spread among us for a really long time.

i feel like this is like, tied to another big problem which is the like, necessity and obsession with passing. which are two very different things. necessity is like, passing to be safe, which i feel like has room to accept that tucking might not be totally safe and comes with certain risks, because it isnt about affirming self worth or identity, only about staying safe. then obsession, which might not be the best word but it will do for now, by that i mean ppl who feel they Have to pass at all costs, bc they think that if they dont they arent a real woman or something like that. they tie passing to self worth and identity, if they dont pass they are worthless or incomplete or like, inferior to cis women, and they will do anything to pass, with little to no regard for personal safety. they will do risky things like skipping meals or tucking unsafely bc they want to pass at any cost. but they spread their perspective on this through advice to other trans women, telling them they need to tuck and they need to wear makeup and they need to do voice training and get implants and srs and all manner of things or they are a trender. a faker. they put insecurities into other trans women and bully each other to propagate their personal biases and force other trans women to conform. most trans women pre hrt are extremely vulnerable and lost, which is when these obsessive trans women give them bad advice and twist them to their world view. that happened to me. i got sucked into that when i was trying to figure out my identity and needed validation. luckily i got out of that and i know better now. its really fucked. ive talked about like, versions of this idea before. that there are two kinds of trans ppl, those who love being trans and those who hate is and want to be cis. and i think as im getting a bit older and learning more and getting further thru my transition im starting to put together a bigger picture of the interplay between all of this stuff. like, the interactions between cis society and its expectations of trans ppl, how trans ppl deal with those expectations and how they deal with living and moving in a cis society thats hostile to trans ppl. this is all one big mess. and thats not even touching on the interactions between terfs, transmeds, and the various levels of trans communities both online and irl. its an absolute nightmare. and then as well there’s like, further interactions with like, nb and gender diverse ppl, gay vs straight trans ppl, intersex ppl, exclusionists, and the mess that the current lgbt+ community online is. i could write a book about this. im living in a nightmare. a massive roiling chaotic community thats fighting itself and the world around it and trying to survive and destroy the parts of itself that it thinks arent ‘valid’. which sounds like a metaphor for my experiences as a trans woman. god and theres more i keep forgetting. im so scatterbrained tonight. i havent had enough sleep to be trying to talk about something so complex as this. and im destroying my hands by typing this much. time to stop. i can sort all this out later. what a mess.

#hashtag blogging with aggy #transgender

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samwinchesterisourhero · 6 years

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Sam WInchester: The Reluctant Hero

When we wonder in frustration, as to why Sam seems to suffer more than Dean does, instead of being angry at a narative bias, or assuming the show runners hate Sam, take into consideration that Sam and Dean, though equally heroic, are different types of heros Dean is a willing hero. He has been proud of his job as a hunter since he was young, even if sometimes he was bored with it, or would have liked to persue a career as a machanic. From what we see in flash backs, Dean was boasting “Im a hero!” since high school, where Sam just wanted to be like every other kid. Sam’s first choice in life is not to be a hero. Not directly anyway. He was studying to become a lawyer. Azazel said he was becoming a Tax Attorney, but Dean saw him as a Criminal Justice Attorney in What is and What Should Never Be, which I think is more fitting for Sam. The indirect hero that would get justice for the victims. He would make a wonderful psycholigist also. Dean would be a very good cop, or soldier, or first responder. This is not to say Sam wouldnt run into a burning building to save a family, he most certainly would, but his interests seem to lie mostly in long term after care. So for Sam to be in the front line with Dean, is something he does because its the right thing, not because it’s his chosen life path (early life anyway. he has stated in his later life that he did chose this life for himself) and this makes him a reluctant hero. The problem with that though, is that in literature, the reluctant hero always suffers the most.

Its no argument that Dean suffers too. Both brothers have broken my heart on many occasions, but Sam’s suffering over any event, stretches far past the season he suffers it in. This is so we, the viewers, have an idea as to how much of a hardship Sam is willing to endure to save Dean and to save the world. Sam and Dean both willingly went to Hell, but their experiences were greatly different, and unfolded on the show wildly unbalanced. Dean sold his soul for Sam, so Sam would live. He didnt want to go to Hell, but he did it willingly. in Dream a Little Dream, Dean said to his dream self, that he didnt deserve to go to Hell, and even though he made the choice on his own, I think we all feel like it’s a horrible punishment for a guy who just wanted his little brother to live. I know I hoped they could find a way to get him out of the deal, but unfortunately, he didnt. He stayed in Hell for 4 months, or 40 hell years. He was tortured by Alistair for 30 years until he became a torturer himself. Cas raised him out of Hell, completely whole, even old scars were gone, but we didnt know for a while that the memories were haunting him. How did we find out? Because he told Sam. He tearfully confessed to Sam on more than one occasion, what happened, what he did, what it felt like at the time and how it was hurting him then. What came of it is that he got to confront his torturer, and even though he couldnt kill him himelf, Sam killed him for him. Dean got justice. Sam on the other hand, also willingly went to Hell to save the world, but he felt like he was mainly at fault for breaking the world in the first place, when it was expressed that it wasn’t only him, and he was completely unknowingly breaking it when he did. He obviously didnt want to go to Hell, but he felt it was the right thing to do. What he got for that though, was his soul in Hell, canonically, for 1.5 years, 180 Hell years. He was torured by Lucifer himself in the most brutal ways imaginable. Cas raised his body, soon after he went to the pit, but we arent given an exact amount of time, whether it be an hour or so, or a few weeks, we just know he was physically out for the majority of the year, but I can’t imagine 10 minutes in the cage with Lucifer is a picnic. However, he came back incomplete, without his soul, which endured unimaginable torture. If that’s not enough, while soulless, Sam did things he wasn’t proud of when he got his soul back, and suffered with this, Once he got his memories of Hell back, a whole new level of suffering began. How was this handled? To our knowledge, he never told anyone the details of his Hell tour. All we know about it, was shown in flash backs and hallucinations, that ended up driving Sam insane. Sam was “fixed” by Cas, by simply shifting the pain to himself, not by Sam talking about it, or confronting his torturer, or anyone killing Lucifer. Sam didnt get justice in any sense, and he still carries all of this with him. He has even had to work along side Lucifer to try to stop Amara. No one even brought this up, even though Sam had very recently been back to the cage and had to face Lucifer and the trauma all over again. Season 13 and still Sam hasn’t been given justice or seen closure when Dean’s was answered in only a few episodes. How can we not see the imballance? Well, when we look at it as Sam is the long suffering Reluctant Hero, suck as it may, it makes more sense. It plays into the narrative that the pain piles on Sam, and Sam stuffs it down. We ourselves may forget this happens, if the show itself didn’t bring it up. The case of Tracy Bell for example. A girl that pops up out of nowhere in 9x2 for no reason than to remind Sam that he let Lucifer out and people got killed. I know a bunch of you blame the writers of the episode for that, as though they hate Sam or Jared, but that was part of the Gardreel story. Something that the producers must have told the writers they wanted. “Bring something painful up from Sam’s past, so that when he feels good at the end of the episode, we can be reminded that theres an Angel healing him from the inside” is probably close to what was said in the meeting. We the viewers need to be reminded that Sam never lets things go, at the same time as he never really speaks of them either. It took 13 seasons, but Dean confirms for us in 13x4 that Sam doesnt admit things or it makes them real, and then he has to deal with it. Sam even confirms it himself in 12X3 when he says he knows Mom is burying herself in hunting instead of dealing, through years of personal experience. Now that we understand this is part of Sam’s character, we can better understand why we dont get to see his emotional POV very often, and his traumas rarely get worked out. The differences between Sam being the reluctant hero, and Dean being the willing hero, manifest in many ways. Dean gets very antsy if its been a few days that they havent had a hunt to go on. Sam however, is content to stay home researching. Their short time of trying to live a domestic life with their girlfriends shows reluctant vs willing also. While Sam was with Amelia, he had nothing to do with hunting except reading the news paper and believing other hunters were taking care of things. He refused to tell Amelia about that part of his life. Dean didnt hunt, but he kept it at arms reach. He kept devils traps in the door ways, a rosary in water under the bed and a gun nearby, and he let Lisa know all about that part of his life, and even tried to live it and maintain a life with her. Dean is the kind of guy who will show you every scar and tell you the details of how he got it, while Sam will hide his scars. Dean suffers when innocent life is lost, but he holds on to the fact that he’s saved more people than he’s hurt and it can help him make it day to day. Sam feels like he failed if he didnt save someone. This is precicely why Sam suffers the burdens of his wrongs for years, and Dean doesnt. Dean did a lot of crap while he had the MoC but he hasnt had to visibly suffer from it after the fact. Sam however, is reminded of his poor choices for seasons after the fact. Now since its not a matter of Sam goes to jail for things and Dean doesn’t, we only need to realize its part of maintaining a character trait for us, so we dont forget that Sam never forgives himself and suffers for years over what he considers failures. Now, this willingness vs reluctance shows in their relationship also. Im not going to try to prove one loves the other more, because I am convinced that Dean is #1 in Sam’s world and Sam is #1 in Dean’s world and they love each other as much as any two people can love each other (to steal from the mouth of JP) they both take care of each other, and neither had to be told to do so. Even when Sam was too little to actually take care of Dean, he still did the best he could by wanting to be with him, and giving him gifts. Dean didnt have to learn 100 ways to make mac and cheese, he did it because he wanted to make Sam happy. That being said, lets move on… Sam’s reluctance in their relationship, isnt that he loves Dean less, or doesn’t want to protect him, but his biggest fear is letting Dean down. He can save Dean’s life a million times but considers himself a failure if he let Dean down. Dean’s biggest fear however is Sam dying. He can let Sam down, he can piss him off, but if Sam isnt alive and well, Dean considers himself a failure. When Sam assumed Dean was dead in S8 and didnt look for him, he was going on a promise that he wouldnt look for him. Since we didnt get enough insight to Sam’s state of mind at the time, Im going to assume that Sam was crushed that Dean was dead, but for himself, it was more important, that he didnt let him down by breaking that promise. He saw how angry Dean was when Dean thought he made a deal that raised him from Hell, so he “knew” Dean would be disappointed if Sam looked for him now. Dean however, needs Sam to be alive, so he will risk Sam being disappointed and possibly hating him, as long as he’s alive. So now in S11 its brought up again, that Sam didnt look for Dean in Purgatory, and Sam hadnt forgiven himself for it, its not the writers hating Sam/Jared, its showing us that Sam still hasnt gotten over letting Dean down. He’s a long suffering character, and doesnt see that he was justified in his actions, but instead blames himself for inaction. This fits right into Sam not finding a Win in a case where he couldnt save everyone. He knows he helps more people than he hurts, but the fact that he hurts people at all outweighs the good in his eyes. There will be a time Im sure, and hopefully soon, given the events of the last 2 seasons, that Sam may collapse under all this weight. Maybe he will have some time to voice how badly things hurt him. But if he doesnt. try not to write it off as no one caring about his character, but understand his character feels like a burden if he unloads to people, even, and especially to Dean, who Im sure he believes has enough burden on his shoulders, without Sam sharing his. So try to be patient my friends. This would come out differently if it was a written story. The writer would be able to show us inside Sam’s head easier than they can this way. The only way into Sam’s head is through someone vocalizing it. If Sam does, then we dont see him burying things, if someone else does, it sometimes looks like hes being picked on for no reason…. but there is a good reason. It’s to keep his character consistant as the longsuffering reluctant hero. By @missjackil

#Sam Winchester #Letters #supernatural #Sam Winchester is our hero #missjackil #submission

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iamsonyeondone · 6 years

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heir!svt // boo seungkwan

♥ fluffy!

♥ 3k words

this cutie full of sass and just overflowing love is the heir to his mother’s infamous jeju tangerine company

yeah people might think, oh thats nothing

but hoo boi they’re the no. 1 selling jeju tangerines in korea

because they’re so sweet just like the boo family :O

and sometimes they even import their goods worldwide, ITS THAT GOOD

back to our boo

he may seem pretty eccentric, especially when he’s around seokmin or soonyoung, but he’s also a sweetheart who takes care of his juniors and friends

like he will always remind them of their worth and sometimes get really clingy

but of course his sassy side is one of the many reasons that people love him too!!

they find it funny whenever he goes on a savage strike and literally drag anYone

like he doesnt care who your parents are, he will drag you down to hell

but everyone knows he doesnt mean it half the time, but when he actually does, it will bring shivers down your spine

since his well-loved among the students, he’s literally friends with everyone

especially the younger ones because he like to feel like an older brother and feels proud when his juniors look up to him

this is so soft fk

but he also has his moments where he wants to be taken care of too so he simply just joins his closest group of friends aka the big bunch of thirteen boys

people wonder how the heck they seem so close when all of them could form a class

anyWays, onto you

so theres two groups of people when it comes to seungkwan

1) you’re friends with him or 2) youre not

lucky you, you drop in the first category because if you dont, you’re just a sad outcast who doesnt like the cutest squishy boy

but even if you were friends with him, you werent as close to the extent where you guys hang out often

its the little greetings you guys say to each other in the hallways that keeps this acquaintance going

and its not like youre scared of him or anything

in fact its a little bit more than that

you’ve always admired him for being such a positive light in Pledis High along with his friends

and he’s someone that you aspire to be like - to be fearless and firm in yourself as well as be a pillar of strength for everyone else around

but you’re just that shy student who stammers during presentations because being in the center of attention scares the living heck out of you

he’s practically your aspiration

and its pretty difficult to get close to someone who has 46389392 other people to choose from to hang out with

but thats just you overthinking it because seungkwan has been wondering if he should just ask you to join him for lunch

on the other hand, seungkwan sees you as someone who works diligently behind the scenes

yeah sure you might not be able to lead people in a group project or voice out your opinions

but you do research like a mad scientist and quietly lead the group to an A for a project by leaving notes for improvement in their files

hell yeah he sees you, he sees potential in everyone

but its also because he thinks you’re pretty cute when you get so into the textbook that you’re literally inches away from kissing the pages

but he threatened vernon not to tell you that because he cant just mAke A MoVe

he wants to get to know you more first, about your favourite colour or what you think about when you daydream in class or how your brain manages to store so much information about general facts

most of the random facts you remember is from snapple bottles but no one needs to know that

so yeah maybe boo seungkwan is a little bit Whipped™ for you h a h a a little bit???

like every other day when seungkwan passes by your class, he sees you in your seat scribbling on your notes with furrowed eyebrows and your bottom lip between your teeth

and you just tugged on his heartstrings because how can someone look this good while doing something so,,, normal

and vernon has to snap him out of it

“dUde you’re really not making this crush thing any less subtle,”

and seungkwan nearly wants to hold him in a chokehold and make him regret his words

but when he takes another glance at you, you’re staring back and he’s quickly covering up his slightly blushed cheeks with a little wave

while you shot a shy smile towards him and waved back

and that simple action of yours just saved vernon from being suffocated

which also makes seungkwan say fuck it and ask you to join him for lunch or a study session after school that day

he wasn’t able to catch you at lunch that day, probably because you felt more comfortable in the quiet and cool library of the school

so when he sees you preparing your things to leave the school, he jogs right after you and nearly slams himself into your locker door

“hi! yn right?” he asks you, as if he’s never repeated your name in his mind every time he sees you

“y-yeah, what’s up?” you inquired back, zipping up your backpack and closing the locker door shut

“i was thinking, if you had the time, if you could join me on a study session today,”

and as much as you want to confirm his words, the way he looks at you with the hopeful sparkle in his eyes confirmed itself

boo seungkwan was asking you to hang out, and he chose you out of everyone else

“oh,, im free but i have a curfew so i hope you dont mind if we dont stay out too long,” you mustered every ounce of courage you had as you slung your bag over your shoulder

“great!! i know just the right place for us to study at,” he smiles, taking the spot next to you as he guide the both of you out of school

throughout the walk to the study spot seungkwan had planned, he had been talking about the stories about his friends and the way they have been annoyingly him lately - but of course they did it out of affection

“they say i pout alot when i get angry but i dont pout that much >:((”

and as he whined about the statement, his lips indeed formed into a big sad pout just as his friends had said

as you tried to hold back the giggle, that is until he brows began going up and down in frustration like a rollercoaster

and that was the trigger

you burst out laughing, covering your mouth even though it was too late to cover up

while he looked back at you with a confused look - although his chest felt entirely different

the way your eyes turned into crescent moons when you smiled really wide as well as the way your voice sounded harmonious to him

“i’m so sorry,, it’s just that,, your friends are totally right. look at you!!” you attempted to catch your breath while you held your phone to him, the front camera had indeed showed him the pouty face his friends had mentoned

“even you too??? but its not that bad right?” seungkwan looks back at you with pitiful puppy eyes and a part of you melts at the adorable sight

“no its not bad!! its actually pretty cute,” you reassured him, still recovering from your laughing fit

cute?? did you just call boo seungkwan cute??

he’s smile starts to radiate and his cheeks turn bright red from being flustered

but you were too busy chuckling at the accidental selfie he had taken on your phone

before he could even mention the compliment, the both of you had reached the cafe, swinging the door gently as you entered first while he followed behind you

you guys grabbed a spot by the corner, it being one of the best place, as recommended by seungkwan himself

“i’ll order the drinks and you can start studying first,” he shoots you a kind smile before sliding out from his chair

“oh yeah, what would you like?” he inquired, quickly giving him your normal order before he went to the counter

the place was beyond amazing and you werent sure how you havent seen it before when the shop had been placed near the school

the calm and soothing ambient given by the soft jazz playing in the speakers and the bright light illuminating the place was not glaring either

as you began flipping through your notes and your textbooks, seungkwan arrives with a tray of your drinks as well as slice of cake on a plate

“we didn’t order cake but the owner of the shop gave it to us on the house. maybe its because i’ve become a regular,” he chuckled, rubbing the nape of his neck after he had placed the tray to the side

“really?? ah we should thank them,” you turned towards the cashier where a man with circular glasses had a smile plastered on his face

and is that a,,, thumbs up?? did he just mouthed ‘good luck’?

“i think he wished us good luck for our exams since exam season is coming up,” but when you turn back to face seungkwan, he has his hand motioning back and forth across his neck, mouthing something along the lines of “shh”

“you actually know him?” you inquired, catching his attention as he nearly cracked his neck from turning too fast

“o-oh yeah sure! i come here pretty often remember? besides, we should really start studying before its too late,” he laughed nervously, slipping back into his seat and fetching out his required materials

and hour pasts and the pain in your neck starts to grow from facing your textbook from a weird angle, making you stretch in your seat while it captures his attention

“10 minute break?” he asks with a knowing smile as you nodded a little too enthusiastically, immediately regretting your decision while you held your drink in your hands, taking a few sips every so often

“did you get a lot done? i barely got the english practice questions done,” he sighed, taking a sip from his own cup

“yeah i guess. i managed to finish my english assignment too so i can help you if you want!”

“reALLy?? ugh you’re a life savior yn. but enough of studies for now, LETS DIG IN,” he excitedly exclaims, placing the sliced cake between the both of you and handing a dainty small fork that matched his

your eyes sparkled in delight when you tasted the light whip cream along with the soft and spongy cake, eliciting giggles from seungkwan as your shoulders danced in elation

“you’re too adorable,” seungkwan complimented you on instinct

and its only when you look at him with wide eyes that he realized his action

“a-ah am i too straightforward?? i’ll stop if its uncomfortable,”

but that compliment had brought a shy smile to your face, tinting the edges of your ears while you shook your head

you were slightly confused then - was your heart racing because you were with someone you admired, or was it because you began to see him in a different light

in a span of a few hours, seungkwan was more than you had assumed and you really meant that he was more than just an embodiment of positivity and sassiness

you werent sure what words you would exactly use to describe him now that you knew him a little more

but it was definitely not in a way where you saw him as an aspiration any longer

and more on seeing that smile on his face

“yn? yN? are you really sure its ok?” and that cute pout is on his face once again

“y-yeAH its totally fine!! we better finish this cake quick, my curfew is in another hour,” you smiled apologetically before taking another bite

“it’s alright, we can study together again if you want to,”

and minutes just as fast as the time the both of you had spent together

in a split second, you had arrived at your door - although with many times you had reassured him you would be able to walk home alone, seungkwan wouldnt budge an inch

“i guess i’ll see you at school tomorrow?” he questioned, a small shy smile on his face

and as the both of you waved goodbye and went your separate ways, neither of you could wipe the wide smiles on your faces

days turn into months and a year felt like it had passed in a blink of an eye

so many things had happened during that period of time

without a doubt, you had become one of his closest friends (but others think otherwise when they see you two linking pinkies in the hallways)

and as we all know, all 13 boys came as a package, so it was only a matter of time until you met all 13 of them

it was a chaotic meeting, having to meet all of them at once made remembering names wayy more difficult

but after a while of getting to know them, you had grown accustomed to their personalities

like that one time that the noticeboard fell off the wall for some reason and you immediately thought of mingyu

you turn around and mingyu is standing right beside that noticeboard, with his entire body frozen into place

or like that one time seungkwan was telling about a prank that happened to him and asked if jeonghan was in charge of it and he just goes yEAH AND I GOT MY HAIR DYED BLUE FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK

and seungkwan was relieved that his friends had accepted you as a person

because they can get pretty protective of each other #squadgoAls

but also because he wouldnt know what to do if they didnt like you when his crush on you is mAssive

it has grown to the point where he’s so close to confessing, but he never knows the right time to do so

on the other hand, you had begun to see him more than just a friend

the way he looked so worried when you had a little papercut on your finger

or when he stopped the other boys from teasing you because he feels this weird sense of anger boiling in the pit of his stomach

its called jealousy but boy has a little bit of a problem seeing it as it is

and anytime seungkwan initiates skinship with you, you feel your body heat up but its not to the point where you feel its overwhelming??

its more like this comfortable warmth that you can never get enough of

the kind of feeling you dont get with anyone else

and that was the moment you had finally accepted the fact that it had grown into a full-fledged Crush

either of you is still oblivious to each others feelings but its wayy to obvious to everyone else that theres something else brewing than ‘just friends’

but your thoughts and doubts get the best of you

because what if seungkwan is just this nice to everyone else?? i mean he did help out most of his juniors with their homework

and its normal seeing him hold hands and hug his other friends

and it kind of has your hopes lowered but it didnt hurt having a harmless crush right??

they come and go anyway

but seungkwan’s crush on you hasnt gone ever since his heart raced at the sight of you with the widest smiles

and he wasn’t planning to ignore it either

as per normal, the both of you walked into the cafe the both of you now frequented together, ordering the same drink but a different kind of cake to try every week

its come to the point where you guys have nearly tried every pastry there was in the cafe

but this time, seungkwan doesnt take out his notes or his pencil case with the matching tangerine keychain which you had gotten for him as a gift while your similar keychain hung on your bag

“what’s wrong?? no assignments this week?” you questioned, debating if you should finish yours alone

“well,,, not quite actually. but i felt like we needed a little break from studying since exams are over,” his eyes remain glued to the cup of iced americano in front of him

which was weird since he would usually shoot you that warm smile you’ve grown to love so much

“is there anything wrong?” you had held onto his arm instinctively, thinking that maybe he just needed a little push to tell you whats on his mind

“i dont want to scare you or anything, so you dont need to answer back if you dont want to,” he rubbed the nape of his neck, playing nervously with the end of his hair

you nod along for him to continue, letting your hand linger on his while his eyes glanced towards the skin contact

“do you,, see me as anything more than a friend- you really dont have to answer it if it makes you feel-”

“yeah, is there something wrong with it?” you answered with a tiny bit of confidence

meanwhile your feet was bouncing under the table and your cheeks had already turned as bright as the red velvet cupcake between the both of you

and you answer shuts him up quickly

and it had been the first time he had looked back into your eyes ever since the both of you had stepped into the cafe

and they still look as sparkling as ever, if not, even more than you have ever seen them

his lips slowly curled into a bashful grin, accompanying his flushed red cheeks

“then i guess its appropriate to ask if,, if you’d be my,,,lover?” the term rolling off his tongue sends shivers down his spine

but when you bring his hand towards your lips, placing a quick peck, he nearly explodes and shortcircuits

“how could i ever say no?”

a/n: im so soft for seungkwan??? like i would squish his cheeks all day if i could o k also as per usual i’ll proofread this tomorrow morning because i can never get as inspired when it isnt 3 in the morning oops

#kpop #imagine #scenario #writing #fanfic #fanfiction #x reader #reader #reader insert #svt #seventeen #pledis #17 #boo seungkwan #seungkwan #vocal unit #vu #heir au #au

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missjackil · 6 years

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Sam Winchester: The Reluctant Hero

Its no argument that Dean suffers too. Both brothers have broken my heart on many occasions, but Sam’s suffering over any event, stretches far past the season he suffers it in. This is so we, the viewers, have an idea as to how much of a hardship Sam is willing to endure to save Dean and to save the world. Sam and Dean both willingly went to Hell, but their experiences were greatly different, and unfolded on the show wildly unbalanced. Dean sold his soul for Sam, so Sam would live. He didnt want to go to Hell, but he did it willingly. in Dream a Little Dream, Dean said to his dream self, that he didnt deserve to go to Hell, and even though he made the choice on his own, I think we all feel like it’s a horrible punishment for a guy who just wanted his little brother to live. I know I hoped they could find a way to get him out of the deal, but unfortunately, he didnt. He stayed in Hell for 4 months, or 40 hell years. He was tortured by Alistair for 30 years until he became a torturer himself. Cas raised him out of Hell, completely whole, even old scars were gone, but we didnt know for a while that the memories were haunting him. How did we find out? Because he told Sam. He tearfully confessed to Sam on more than one occasion, what happened, what he did, what it felt like at the time and how it was hurting him then. What came of it is that he got to confront his torturer, and even though he couldnt kill him himelf, Sam killed him for him. Dean got justice. Sam on the other hand, also willingly went to Hell to save the world, but he felt like he was mainly at fault for breaking the world in the first place, when it was expressed that it wasn’t only him, and he was completely unknowingly breaking it when he did. He obviously didnt want to go to Hell, but he felt it was the right thing to do. What he got for that though, was his soul in Hell, canonically, for 1.5 years, 180 Hell years. He was torured by Lucifer himself in the most brutal ways imaginable. Cas raised his body, soon after he went to the pit, but we arent given an exact amount of time, whether it be an hour or so, or a few weeks, we just know he was physically out for the majority of the year, but I can’t imagine 10 minutes in the cage with Lucifer is a picnic. However, he came back incomplete, without his soul, which endured unimaginable torture. If that’s not enough, while soulless, Sam did things he wasn’t proud of when he got his soul back, and suffered with this, Once he got his memories of Hell back, a whole new level of suffering began. How was this handled? To our knowledge, he never told anyone the details of his Hell tour. All we know about it, was shown in flash backs and hallucinations, that ended up driving Sam insane. Sam was “fixed” by Cas, by simply shifting the pain to himself, not by Sam talking about it, or confronting his torturer, or anyone killing Lucifer. Sam didnt get justice in any sense, and he still carries all of this with him. He has even had to work along side Lucifer to try to stop Amara. No one even brought this up, even though Sam had very recently been back to the cage and had to face Lucifer and the trauma all over again. Season 13 and still Sam hasn’t been given justice or seen closure when Dean’s was answered in only a few episodes. How can we not see the imballance? Well, when we look at it as Sam is the long suffering Reluctant Hero, suck as it may, it makes more sense. It plays into the narrative that the pain piles on Sam, and Sam stuffs it down. We ourselves may forget this happens, if the show itself didn’t bring it up. The case of Tracy Bell for example. A girl that pops up out of nowhere in 9x2 for no reason than to remind Sam that he let Lucifer out and people got killed. I know a bunch of you blame the writers of the episode for that, as though they hate Sam or Jared, but that was part of the Gardreel story. Something that the producers must have told the writers they wanted. “Bring something painful up from Sam’s past, so that when he feels good at the end of the episode, we can be reminded that theres an Angel healing him from the inside” is probably close to what was said in the meeting. We the viewers need to be reminded that Sam never lets things go, at the same time as he never really speaks of them either. It took 13 seasons, but Dean confirms for us in 13x4 that Sam doesnt admit things or it makes them real, and then he has to deal with it. Sam even confirms it himself in 12X3 when he says he knows Mom is burying herself in hunting instead of dealing, through years of personal experience. Now that we understand this is part of Sam’s character, we can better understand why we dont get to see his emotional POV very often, and his traumas rarely get worked out. The differences between Sam being the reluctant hero, and Dean being the willing hero, manifest in many ways. Dean gets very antsy if its been a few days that they havent had a hunt to go on. Sam however, is content to stay home researching. Their short time of trying to live a domestic life with their girlfriends shows reluctant vs willing also. While Sam was with Amelia, he had nothing to do with hunting except reading the news paper and believing other hunters were taking care of things. He refused to tell Amelia about that part of his life. Dean didnt hunt, but he kept it at arms reach. He kept devils traps in the door ways, a rosary in water under the bed and a gun nearby, and he let Lisa know all about that part of his life, and even tried to live it and maintain a life with her. Dean is the kind of guy who will show you every scar and tell you the details of how he got it, while Sam will hide his scars. Dean suffers when innocent life is lost, but he holds on to the fact that he’s saved more people than he’s hurt and it can help him make it day to day. Sam feels like he failed if he didnt save someone. This is precicely why Sam suffers the burdens of his wrongs for years, and Dean doesnt. Dean did a lot of crap while he had the MoC but he hasnt had to visibly suffer from it after the fact. Sam however, is reminded of his poor choices for seasons after the fact. Now since its not a matter of Sam goes to jail for things and Dean doesn’t, we only need to realize its part of maintaining a character trait for us, so we dont forget that Sam never forgives himself and suffers for years over what he considers failures. Now, this willingness vs reluctance shows in their relationship also. Im not going to try to prove one loves the other more, because I am convinced that Dean is #1 in Sam’s world and Sam is #1 in Dean’s world and they love each other as much as any two people can love each other (to steal from the mouth of JP) they both take care of each other, and neither had to be told to do so. Even when Sam was too little to actually take care of Dean, he still did the best he could by wanting to be with him, and giving him gifts. Dean didnt have to learn 100 ways to make mac and cheese, he did it because he wanted to make Sam happy. That being said, lets move on... Sam’s reluctance in their relationship, isnt that he loves Dean less, or doesn’t want to protect him, but his biggest fear is letting Dean down. He can save Dean’s life a million times but considers himself a failure if he let Dean down. Dean’s biggest fear however is Sam dying. He can let Sam down, he can piss him off, but if Sam isnt alive and well, Dean considers himself a failure. When Sam assumed Dean was dead in S8 and didnt look for him, he was going on a promise that he wouldnt look for him. Since we didnt get enough insight to Sam’s state of mind at the time, Im going to assume that Sam was crushed that Dean was dead, but for himself, it was more important, that he didnt let him down by breaking that promise. He saw how angry Dean was when Dean thought he made a deal that raised him from Hell, so he “knew” Dean would be disappointed if Sam looked for him now. Dean however, needs Sam to be alive, so he will risk Sam being disappointed and possibly hating him, as long as he’s alive. So now in S11 its brought up again, that Sam didnt look for Dean in Purgatory, and Sam hadnt forgiven himself for it, its not the writers hating Sam/Jared, its showing us that Sam still hasnt gotten over letting Dean down. He’s a long suffering character, and doesnt see that he was justified in his actions, but instead blames himself for inaction. This fits right into Sam not finding a Win in a case where he couldnt save everyone. He knows he helps more people than he hurts, but the fact that he hurts people at all outweighs the good in his eyes. There will be a time Im sure, and hopefully soon, given the events of the last 2 seasons, that Sam may collapse under all this weight. Maybe he will have some time to voice how badly things hurt him. But if he doesnt. try not to write it off as no one caring about his character, but understand his character feels like a burden if he unloads to people, even, and especially to Dean, who Im sure he believes has enough burden on his shoulders, without Sam sharing his. So try to be patient my friends. This would come out differently if it was a written story. The writer would be able to show us inside Sam’s head easier than they can this way. The only way into Sam’s head is through someone vocalizing it. If Sam does, then we dont see him burying things, if someone else does, it sometimes looks like hes being picked on for no reason.... but there is a good reason. It’s to keep his character consistant as the longsuffering reluctant hero.

#Sam Meta #reluctant hero #sam winchester

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onisionhurtspeople · 6 years

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Sorry I just ran into this blog, Lainey said on Twitter they're an ISFJ awhile back. I can see both them being an unhealthy INFP that thinks their Si is stronger than it actually is due to looping and them being an unhealthy ISFJ. They could be in an Si-Ti loop where they dont let new ideas in and believes their experience/conclusions are always correct without looking further than that for information. (1/3)

They’re also very tactful (auxiliary Fe) which makes them seem innocent and wanting group harmony instead of drama. An unhealthy Fe user sweeps issues under the rug to live in their ideal “peaceful” world. If an ISFJ is gripping, their inferior function is Ne. This may cause them to think of all the ways life could be and using it as an excuse that nothing could go wrong due to the likelihood (they think) of it in their life (ex. bringing 18-20 year olds into an unhealthy relationship, believing Onision didn’t cheat due to the fact many things could happen since there are infinite truths in the world and Si-Ti may think that their POV is the most correct from what they gathered). I can see INFP but I do want to see what you think of this.

Sorry it took so long to respond! I knew this was going to be a long one, so I’ve been avoiding it because tbh you will never meet a lazier INTJ than me. I apologize in advance for the poor quality of this message, because my brain fog is really shitty today and I’m feeling not nearly as sharp as I usually am. My arguments will probably not be as convincing or wordy as they usually are.

Anyway, I believe she actually said she was INFJ. I remember because I was the one who asked her to take the quiz. >_> (Unless we’re thinking of two different incidences? This was, if I recall correctly, around the time that Billie had just left for the final time, so I want to say September or October of 2016.) Anyway–tbh, the fact that she got INFJ just confirmed to me more than anything else that she really was an INFP, because let’s be real, I’m pretty sure no INFP has ever existed who didn’t first mistype themselves as being an INFJ. (I’m mostly joking, but like.. only mostly.) Of course, ISFJs also frequently mistype as INFJs, so this is an idea worth exploring.

Anyway, I shall try to explain why I see her as an INFP rather than as an ISFJ or INFJ. I apologize in advance if you’re an INFP; if I end up saying anything rude about them, please understand that I’m not making disparaging comments about INFPs in general - I’m just evaluating Lainey, who is (I believe) a very unhealthy version of her type.

So, first and foremost: Fi. Sooo much Fi. But Fi in the most unhealthy way possible: incredibly self-righteous and self-absorbed, and excessively concerned with interpreting and relaying her own individualistic, unique identity to the world. She needs to be acknowledged for her differences. If you look back at all of the arguments she’s ever had with Greg on social media (in other words, the times when he says something that aggrieves her enough that she’s actually willing to confront him over it), they all have the same theme in common: they’re always about her feeling affronted because he invalidated her values or sense of self somehow. For example: the last fight they got in was because Greg referred to himself as being in a straight relationship, which offended Lainey because she interpreted that as him undermining her gender. I can think of a few other examples of their arguments on social media off the top of my head, and they all follow that same theme: Greg being insulted that she was hero-worshiping a musician who didn’t like him (also an Fi user); Greg arguing with her about eating fish; Greg calling her filthy because her room was dirty and she hadn’t cleaned it; Greg insulting her family (especially her mother and sister). When Lainey gets involved in Greg’s debates or ongoing feuds with other content creators (Jaclyn Glenn, Joy Sparkle BS, Blaire White, etc), it’s never to weigh in with her opinion, and only ever to express her irritation over them misgendering her, either accidentally or on purpose. When she’s rude and condescending towards her fans, it’s typically because they questioned her sense of self somehow (usually in regards to her gender, internal motivations, or relationship with Greg). It’s rarely in defense of anybody else, which I feel like would happen more often if she really was an Fe user.

I think the tactfulness and willingness to sweep things under the rug that you’re interpreting as being aux Fe may actually be a combination of Fi seeking harmony in relationships (high Fi users can do this too, just like Fe users can; the difference mainly lies in when, and for what reason, their feeling function becomes triggered when somebody crosses the line. For Fi users, this tends to be when something strikes a personal nerve or attacks and invalidates their character or sense of self; for Fe users, this tends to be when somebody rejects, abuses, or takes advantage of their warmth and care, or when somebody expresses a lack of concern for the collective (family, friends, neighborhood, club, church group, society, etc) - other words, selfishness. If you dismiss their overtures of affection after they’ve put effort into displaying warmth and consideration, then they may become offended when that same person then takes advantage of those polite gestures, or refuses to reciprocate them), and also Lainey just generally not caring enough to say or do anything to counter Greg that might rock the boat in their private life.

Secondly: Ne. In Lainey’s case, her Ne is not as overt as I’ve observed it in other INFPs, and I’m not sure why this is. I apologize if this comes off as rude (and it really kind of is, but I don’t know how else to say this in a non-offensive way), but I think it’s really just because Lainey is an INFP of average intelligence, whereas most INFPs (that I’ve encountered, anyway) are in the gifted range, and so their Ne is much more readily apparent. Ne and Se share many qualities (being that they’re both Pe functions), including that they both have a preference for wanting to live life by their own standards, a strong dislike of feeling constrained or held back, feeling compelled to seek novelty (Se in a more physical, concrete way, and Ne in a more abstract, conceptual way), and wanting to learn through experience. Se and Ne both feel driven to be seen as cool–but in different ways. Se wants to be seen as cool in a more physical and conventional sense - for example, by being entertaining, or by dressing in a manner that is immediately impactful in a sensory way. Ne, on the other hand, wants to be cool by being unique, different, iconoclastic - it wants to be regarded as quirky and iconoclastic, cool for being “uncool”, if that makes sense. And so many INFPs are drawn to countercultures (hipsters, for example) who are unconventional, but still have a certain mystique and draw to them; and I definitely think Lainey fulfills that aspect of Ne.

Ugh. I’m sorry, my brain power is running low. Brain fog is super bad today. I think we both see Si in her, so I don’t think I have to explain that. Mainly where I see Si in her (especially in the form of Fi-Si loops) is her inability to let go of people from her past. She even did it with Billie: brought her back over and over again because she would find herself looking back on the good times, and minimizing the bad ones. She makes the same mistakes repeatedly because she reviews her memories of them (memories which are attached to emotional experiences), and feels compelled to relive them, no matter how painful they were.

Please don’t make me write something for Te. My Te is all pooped out today. :C

Anyway, it’s lovely running into somebody on here who’s knowledgeable about the cognitive functions! =O I’m guessing you’re an INFP as well? Sorry for this shitty argument, I might try to redo it in a few days when my brain fog dissipates a little.

Edit: I just went back to the the post; and yeah, she scored as INFJ-T on the 16personalities test (admittedly shitty and has nothing to do with the cognitive functions). In the comment section, I left a link on how to differentiate between INFJ and INFP, lmao.

Edit #2: Oh, one last thing: here’s a description of what a destructive INFP looks like from one of my favorite MBTI sites, Psychology Junkie. Doesn’t it remind you of Lainey?

Destructive INFPs are self-absorbed, self-righteous, and waver between being passive and extremely judgmental. They enjoy living in their fantasies, but care little for the practical realities of daily life. They may neglect their loved ones and family members and instead prefer to live in a world of their own making, in essence abandoning everyone who holds them dear. They may consider themselves more morally superior or “righteous” than others, married to their idealism to such an extent that any and everyone in the real world seems flawed and disappointing. They may retreat from the world and silently judge everyone they see. Over time, they may become increasingly harsh and condemning of people in their lives. They may become so obsessed with their own emotions and fantasies that they shun or berate anyone who tries to find a way into their hearts.

Healthy INFPs are extremely empathetic, gentle, and compassionate individuals. They care for the persecuted and marginalized people of the world, and strive to help them. They are honest and driven by their morals to live a life that adheres to their values. They are creative and insightful, slow to judge others yet holding themselves to a high standard.

Also, just for the keks, here’s the description of destructive ESTJs, the type that I suspect Greg is. (I do believe that he actually took an MBTI test and scored as ESTJ, which he hilariously tried to use to “prove” that he wasn’t a narcissist or psychopath. Really shows how much effort he puts into researching his “facts”.

Destructive ESTJs are dictatorial, aggressive, and controlling. They believe that they know what’s best for everyone, and that their way is the only way. They suppress their moral compass and disregard the feelings and values of other people in exchange for their own rigid views. They push forward to achieve their goals, but instead of taking time to reflect on their decisions, they steamroll over everyone in their path in order to accomplish tasks without considering alternate viewpoints or the moral implications of their actions. They may be loyal to a corrupt system or authority and suppress anyone who stands against that authority or questions it. They trust their own personal experience and disregard other people’s experience. They scoff at the emotions and values of others while they allow themselves to have their own temper tantrums and emotional overreactions.

Healthy ESTJs: Healthy ESTJs are hard-working, trustworthy, and loyal. They see the world logically and push themselves to live up to a high standard. They don’t ask other people to do things they wouldn’t do themselves, and they uphold traditions they see as morally right and effective. They are intellectual, practical, and usually outgoing. They are very supportive of their communities and families and want to make the world a better place.

(Source)

#laineybot #infp #question #mbti

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thelifetimechannel · 6 years

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#tlc upd8 #tlc a6a6a6 #end of update 144 #i see ur metal gear joke gill #sidenote: this time i did have the appropriate equius quirk #but it appears the computer just automatically converted the double dash into an n dash #oh well

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meggannn · 6 years

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ironically one of my favorite things about shepard/garrus is one of the things i think bioware did least successfully, at least for my personal taste. and i admit this is mostly cause i prefer developing/reading professional or emotionally reserved sheps (at least on the surface) who gradually open up to their li over time, over sheps who wear their heart on their sleeves from the beginning, and there are very few bw romances that really allow you to play that first kind of character, considering you, the pc, have to instigate the romance dialogue. there’s only so much a game can do to mimic a ‘real’ romance after all. even so i do prefer a bit of, if not subtlety, then.... tactfulness, i guess, when the pc pops the question, especially with a character like shepard who is so duty-focused and (until the proposing scene) never really indicated they were driven by their libido when looking for a partner (even if they were joking). so that “do you wanna bang” scene gives me such second hand embarrassment i gotta rewrite most of their entire me2 romance in my head and one day i’ll put it to a fic, but in the meantime...... i’ll just blab about it on tumblr dot com i guess....

like, i like the VIBE that is established. i like that in me2, we get confirmation that: a) garrus’s confidence in personal matters is absolutely nil when it comes to romance, much less an interracial romance; b) it sets up a real sweet theme of realizing they actually DONT know that much about each other’s culture or biology or anything related to their race, and the romance is staged to give them each time to do research on the other’s biology and anatomy (which is practical and common courtesy and the right thing to do! and also a little sweet when you consider how terrified garrus is of screwing it up!), c) however it started, whether facetiously or nervously or enthusiastically, these two are still able to have a nice moment together and acknowledge there are feelings between them that can (and if you ask me, do) still go unsaid. and in me3, we see them both (or at least garrus) in a bit more emotionally stable situation, maybe driven by a desire to see something go right in the middle of the war, so we establish a) garrus is still nervous and treading cautiously, but b) confident enough to prepare for a reunion, to articulate his questions about their relationship, to let shepard know he’s there for them regardless, and c) if you confirm the relationship, shepard and garrus can tease each other as friends and work together as soldiers and still have a supportive emotional/intimate partnership in their private time.

i just think you can have all of these angles to their relationship without the current get-together. imo you lose a lot of possible development and depth when you start all of this by having shepard walk in and say “heyyyyyyy let’s you and me ‘‘‘ease some tension’’’ together ;) :) ;) do you see me winking”, like.... how does a commanding officer say that to another adult they respect and (possibly) genuinely like, idk. it seemed like such a lazy way for the writers to get them into bed together without considering who these people are. and yeah, every shepard’s different, it’s possible someone found that very ic for their shepard. personally i’ve always been more of a fan of piecing together canon clues to tell me who the pc is and extrapolating an oc from there, and what most of canon tells me, is that shepard is someone who prioritizes duty (either to the alliance, or to saving innocents, or to just getting the job done) above nearly all else, including their own personal life. that doesn’t mean i don’t see shepard being an instigator or an occasional flirt. just......

bleh. is it too much to want a better get together than “let’s fuck”? idk. i feel like a whiner bc shepard/garrus is obviously the most popular pairing in the fandom, it dwarfs so many others in content and you can’t throw a stone without meeting an insufferable stan, and here i am complaining about it not being done my way. i guess i just feel like the writers listened to the fans who wanted garrus as an li from me1, but didn’t listen to why. they drew the shortest line between a and b (“they want to bone the alien? here you go, i guess!”) and left it at that.

i mean admittedly, left up to me, i’d stuff so much drawn-up pining into a canon shepard/garrus get-together that neither of them would be able to breathe through the ust. there’s a line i like in kaidan’s romance (not to hijack a shenko line for a shakarian thing, but it’s something i find so true to shepard’s character i adopt it for my shepard too, even though i don’t romance kaidan and save ashley) when shepard tells kaidan in the moment that she needs a shoulder, not a subordinate, and kaidan says “cut me a little slack, shepard, it’s not like you’re easy to read.” that is how i tend to play and read shepard: as someone who is emotionally available for their crew but plays things close to the vest with their own feelings. paired up with garrus, who is a better turian than he thinks and is pretty goal-oriented and professional under shepard’s command, it’s hard for me to believe these two would just fall into bed with each other after only one or two conversations of known build-up (stressing “known” here is as “acknowledged feelings” but could also be notable ust, which is my hc). in my reading, these two are much better at reading others (c-sec and officer training) than themselves, and one could argue are duty-driven enough to maybe not even bring up/realize their attraction until me3 (why couldn’t garrus have been an li in me3 for new romances or mshep!!!! who tf knows!!!!!)

all those times femshepard tells garrus she loves him in me3? not really my shepard’s style..... how’s an earthborn kid who’s been a marine all their adult life and never had a family or serious relationship know how to recognize and admit love out loud? garrus himself doesn’t tell shepard he loves them till the beam run, and even then, he barely whispers it. i have to turn my freaking speakers up just to hear him. it’s hard for him to say out loud. maybe turians have different language for it, or maybe there’s a stigma, or maybe the culture’s different. i dunno! but i keep thinking about the impact it would’ve had for that to be the first time shepard says it, too. like they’ve just realized it and want to get it out because they know it’s the end. or you could get away with not saying it at all, if you pick the renegade option. or you could have them try to say it and fail! come on, isn’t that sadder?

shepard wants to say -- she doesn’t know what she wants to say. whatever great emotion she’s been holding back since that night in her cabin is stuck in her throat and refuses to form. the bay door can’t remain open for long. garrus’s skull is caked with dark blue blood, his leg bent awfully, and shepard sees a sharp, snapped edge to his armor where his spur used to be. he should be in the med bay. he needs medical attention more than he needs to be wasting time saying goodbyes.

but he won’t go, he refuses, he won’t leave her be. “shepard -- i’m still good. just give me my gun. i can still fight.” blood dribbles into his eye from a crack in his forehead. he’s crouching so low to stand that he nearly meets her height. she’s never heard him plead before.

“vakarian -- ” her voice is hoarse when she talks; her throat burns. she’s been shouting all day. she’s surprised she can still talk at all. “don’t make me give you an order.”

“that’s not fair.” he laughs desperately, a bit disbelieving. half of his visor is dangling, interface dead; his armor scorched and chipped across the carapace; and his eyes, still, are locked on hers. “don’t -- shepard. please.” she’s ever heard him plead before.

“shepard,” tali says quietly under garrus’s arm. her helmet is cracked, badly, suit ruptured in a dozen places. but shepard hasn’t heard a single complaint from her, from either of them, and she realizes in this moment that she can’t let them go on. if they followed her, they’d follow her through hell again, follow her until they dropped, and she cannot abide by that.

“we’re in this -- ” garrus coughs, badly. fresh dark blood spits up from his throat; spots hit shepard’s chestpiece. his eyes water. “we’re in this ‘till the end. shepard.”

she’s never pleaded in her life either; she will not start now. “i need.” her voice is too hoarse, too quiet; he can’t hear her over the roar of the thrusters. she swallows, tries again. “i need to know people are getting out of this alive. i need you to be one of them.” to tali: “both of you.”

garrus stares at her, lost for words. “shepard,” he whispers. he looks prepared to say something great, and she readies herself for another argument -- but then she sees the moment the fight leaves his eyes, the moment lays down his gun, and she hates herself for being relieved. “just,” he says, “make sure that includes you too.”

harbinger roars in the distance; she glances to the great white beam heading their way, then back to the bleeding pair of them, waving firmly toward the ship as she moves off the gangplank. “go! tali -- take care of him!”

she realizes belatedly that those will be logged as her final words, and the last he’ll remember her by. and then he’s gone, and so is the normandy. the moment is over and she’s missed her chance. she thinks, garrus will understand. he couldn’t say it either.

i mean that’s garbage but i like it better than shepard dropping the l-word in every romance scene! fuck! i just want a little nuance ok leave me alone

#megan talks about bw

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